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ejm513 · 4 years ago

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FAIRY TAIL NEXT GEN CHILDREN-GRUVIA EDITION

NALU

1-I know there is now a cannon child for edo Nalu and edo Gruvia with names and everything. I also know that Gajeel and Levy have twins and Levy is currently pregnant in 100 Years Quest. I love it and their names and everything about those precious babies-but I’ve had these ideas and characters and backstories growing and developing in my head for years so I’m being the stubborn Taurus that I am and sticking with it.

2-Also please forgive any misspellings and grammar mistakes as I am dyslexic and my school failed us at teaching spelling and grammar. I did my best.

Hello my lovelies!!

So I’ve spent most of the day working on the first two ships and editing everything so I figured why not just post the second one right away.

And the next ship we’re doing on this crazy journey is my personal favorite my OTP to end all OTPS

GRUVIA!!

Ah yes people... I’m in my happy place.

THE FULLBUSTERS:

Nicolai Sliver Fullbuster- Nicknames- Nick, Nicky, Nicky Bear (gotta love little sisters)

Birthday: March 15th, 797 (Bonus points if anyone gets the reference :P)

Magic: Ice Make Magic

Appearance:

-Height: 5’10 (same height as Gray)

-Hair: Dark and thick like Grays, slightly wavy curiosity of his mother.

-Eye color: Dark blue and large like he’s mother’s.

-Built like his father.

-He and Gray are the closest to clones.

IMPORTANT FACTS:

-Gray doesn’t want his boy to deal with the consequences of being a demon slayer… so he doesn’t teach him how to be one. At least not completely. He does pass on some techniques and skills but nothing more.

-For example he teaches him Ice Make Sliver.

-He got the name Nikolai Sliver from both of his grandfathers-I chose a Russian name because I have this idea in my head that in the real world Juvia would be Russian and nothing can convince me otherwise.

-Though he got over it eventually poor thing hated the cold and having to strip in the snow.

-He too got the illness Ultrear had, and while he didn’t get through it as easily as the Dragnell children he got through it in the end.

And before anyone ask yes… he stripes.

Personality:

-Kind

-Loyal (but maybe not to a fault)

-Laid back like his father

-A little moody and temperamental at times

-Can be a bit reserved but more or less wears his heart on his sleeve like Juvia.

-Very imaginative like his mother… which sometimes lead him to being a little ditzy and spacy.

-Very loving

-Very protective of those he loves

-Definitely inherited Juvia’s possessiveness-when his sister was being introduced to the guild for the first time after she was born he grabbed hold of her little blanket, stood in front of her and said

“No! She’s MY baby sister!!”

-Gray QUICKLY helped him get it under control

-A huge romantic like Juvia…like MAJOR romantic. He even enjoys reading her romance novels (but don’t you dare tell anyone)

-He also enjoys drawing, doing anything in the snow and ice

-Very intelligent and did well in school-given his magic he was particularly skilled in art. No one understands how he managed to do so well in school because his note books are covered in doodles

-In general just a much more open and expressive person than his father or sister, much more like his mother.

Relationships:

-Extremely close with both of his parents-the Fullbusters are known for having a very close knit and loving family.

-Like almost every boy in this generation he is a total mama’s boy and you better not call him out on it.

-Also idolizes his father and wants to be just like him

-Absolutely adores his little sister is very gentle and sweet with her. He’s extremely protective of her and one of the only four people he can be a little possessive over (the others being Lila and his parents).However, she can get on his nerves because like most little siblings she follows him everywhere and wants to do everything with him. Plus they can both be temperamental and stubborn. They are also so much alike yet express themselves in such different ways that it causes clashes. As a result, they bicker the most out of any of the siblings in the next gen-but their fights never, EVER turn physical. But the bottom line is they are exceptionally close-so close in fact they are one of the only pairs in the next gen that can successfully pull of a Unison Raid.

-Real he just wants Eliza to stop calling him Nicky Bear… in public at least.

-The first of his two best friends is Simon Scarlet. At first it was a matter of convenience because he was the only boy in the guild close to her age, but it didn’t take too long to become genuine friends. They love to bond over their love of sweets. The other of course is Lila.

And naturally Happy… Happy is everyone’s best friend

-He has loved Lila pretty much his entire life-before he even understood what that feeling was. When he learned what the concept of marriage, he knew right away she was the one he was going to marry. As stated before he constantly referred to her as his wife as children and when they were older (like almost 20 or older than 20) he would say “You know I’m going to marry you one day Dragnell right?”

Elizaveta/ Eliza/ Liza Ur Fullbuster

Birthday: November 23rd, 801

Magic: Water.

Appearance:

Height: 5’2 (a couple of inches shorter than Juvia who is 5’4 according to the Wiki)

Hair: Long, thick and wavy like Juvia’s, dark like Gray’s

Eyes: Juvia’s shape but dark like Gray’s

-She has the same gifted build as Juvia, but somehow a little more fragile looking

-Has her father’s smile

-Yes that beautiful beautiful smile

-Has heard from Gray that despite her strong resemblance to her mother something about her reminds him of his mother

IMPORTANT FACTS:

-Elizaveta or Eliza Ultear got her name from Juvia’s mother and obviously Ultear. Eliza is what she goes by and only those closest with her call her Liza

-Eliza was born five weeks early and this caused… problems. She was extremely sick as a baby. She ended up becoming dyslexic. Finally, it messed with her powers. She has water powers like her mother, but because she was born so early they are technically incomplete because her body isn’t completely made of water like Juvia. This means she’s not impervious to physical attacks, but she makes up for it in other ways.

-Due to being born early and being a little sickly, when she got that infamous illness all the children in the next gem see to get Ultear’s illness (I have no idea what else to call it) she got hit the worse. She actually came close to dying and Gray and Juvia were told to expect the worst.

-Because of this, despite obviously being a skilled and well trained wizard, Eliza is more known for her emotion strength and endurance rather than her physical strength (at least until she was almost an adult)

-Is definitely no ice wizard and can’t stand the cold, but did learn some tricks including how to freeze her rain into snow or freezing rain.

And yes… she is absolutely forbidden to strip under any and all circumstances unless she doesn’t want to see the outside world until she’s 30 or until Gray is dead… which ever comes first

Personality:

-Massive, huge heart of gold

-Very sweet

-Very shy and introverted

-Extremely reserved, keeps everything close to her chest like her father

-Appears laid back but is a ball of emotion and anxiety and occasional bouts of depression

-Comes off as an ethereal, sweet, Mary Jane type of dainty princess when she is anything but

-Actually, has a very snarky, sarcastic sense of humor a la Gray and is just funny like her mother.

-Is never willing to start a fight but if you push her enough she follows the same line of thought as Lila;

-Is very stubborn, moody and temperamental at times

-Very ambitious and always smiling despite everything that’s happened to her.

-Is quiet laid back with her language when she’s older and has been known to swear.

-Is also great at impressions.

-Has Juvia’s quiet astounding imagination and is definitely a dreamer.

-Is a HUGE romantic, openly reading her mother’s romance novels. Otherwise she’s very good at hiding it… mostly.

-Exceptionally smart but struggles with math and is a slow reader because of her dyslexia. She excels in history and music.

-I have a head cannon that Juvia can sing because of all the hydration she gets from having a water body, mermaids/sirens luring sailors with their voices and because apparently Juvia’s voice actress can sing. So Eliza inherited that gift but never sings on stage for the public.

RELATIONSHIPS:

-Because of how sickly she has always been, and because she was the first girl born to the guild a string of boys, and because of how bad she’s treated by kids at school, Eliza is utterly spoiled and a little coddled by all. No on one minds though because she never acts spoiled. She just loves having such a safe and warm space to fall.

-Like her brother is super close to her parents.

-Juvia is her rock and the pair are inseparable.

-She is also daddy’s littler girl though don’t you ever get her to admit it. They love joking around with each other and just talking.

-She adores and idolizes her big brother-her Nicky Bear. She always wanted to follow him around and do what he did-which after a certain point would get on his nerves. She also sometimes get annoyed with how protective he can be. They can both be a little possessive over each other and their parents. As mentioned before they have many of the same personality traits but express them in different ways, so they bicker a lot. But in the end she would be lost without him.

-Like her mother Eliza was unfortunately bullied badly by kids outside the guild and even more unfortunate a few kids in the guild. So her three closest friends are Lila Dragnell, Hazel Redfox and much to her chagrin Iggy Dragnell.

-Iggy is the only person who can flare her temper on the daily and who she has fought with-he never fights with more than words but from time to time she will blast him with water just to get him to leave her alone. He is more or less the annoying younger brother she never asked for but similar to her own brother would be lost without him.

-And before you ask no she has not and will never have a crush or any romantic feelings for Iggy… but Simon Scarlet on the other hand….

-Has a love hate relationship with Happy after he was flying her around ounce and dropped her from pretty high up which gave her a fear of heights.

All right my lovelies!! That is it for this round! I’ll be back soon... hopefully with the next ship!!!

GAJEELX LEVY!!!

#fairy tail #fairy tail next generation #gray fullbuster #Juvia Lockser #Gray X Juvia #gruvia #Headcanon #ocs #super long #this is gonna take forever

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mc-doppomine · 4 years ago

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30 Days of Hypmic Challenge

Day 3: Favorite Division

Represent Shinjuku!

I’m sure that’s not a surprise to anyone that wandered on this sideblog. Like... *stares at name* *stares at avatar and background* I hope that wasn’t a surprise. But I will say Matenrou was surprise contender for me. Because I think when I first stumbled onto Hypnosis Mic, I read like rough translations of the profiles (I don’t know why a wiki never occurred to me) and I was like ‘this sounds so crazy, it almost feels stupid.’ Like you ever see a mash of things and just think how this feels like the set up to a really bad joke? A doctor, a host and a salaryman walk into a bar--does that not sound like some set up?

I think what changed that for me was both Rhyme Anima and hearing Battle Battle Battle for the first time. Like what sold me was the fact, you find a dead body and your first instinct isn’t actually phoning the cops but calling your dumbass friend to be like ‘why is there a dead body in our house?!’ And then both of you proceeding to still not call the cops but phone your responsible friend to be like ‘hey, we found a dead body in our home and the cops are coming, please help us.’ And there was no real questioning of the whole ordeal? That’s real homie stuff there. I believed from the jump that these guys were friends. True friends.

And then I would say I jumped into the real strength of their music, which I feel are them as rap battlers. I think their best performances are in relation to DRB, which I feel fits them as they are not harming or (purposely) malicious to anyone until they have to be. Which I feel is both cool and scary at the same time. I think Jakurai’s chill remaining the same but his intensity changing is great. I think Hifumi is really good at finding the places to poke where it hurts, he’s like a middle schooler. He makes fun of you but in an accurate way. And Doppo is a dog that’s been let off the leash and y’all better fucking run because he gets a hold of you. And that combination is a force. Someone remarked their material in relation to DRB looks like some final boss material and I agree.

Sadly I would say that I felt like I got to their strongest and then it went down from there. Not that their stuff was bad, I don’t think there’s many songs I hate. But I think half their group songs are absolute bangers and then the other are okay. It kind shows the eccentric bit of their dynamic, which can still be...off. I think Hifumi’s solo songs took the longest to grow on me and I think it’s mainly because at this point the word champagne is dead to me from it.

I would say time for rumination and admittedly fanfiction gave me a better appreciation of their dynamic. Like I feel like Jakurai’s initial reaction was best put by him in first drama track ‘because it is interesting.’ A curiosity and maybe a chance to help save someone else. But I don’t think he expected to end up finding sanctuary in the two he set out to save. And he is pensive about it but also unable to leave either. I see it as the one bit of selfishness that Jakurai can’t hope to part with. And he serves as a grounding force to Doppo and Hifumi as they are both ‘flighty’ in their own way and despite all of them being apart of the dark of their town, he keeps it from swallowing either of them.

Doppo’s seems a bit harder to place since some seem to place that he is like a child that has be cared for by Hifumi and Jakurai. And admittedly, he does have hard times and he does need them to pull him from his own self-destruction. But he is endlessly kind and I believe those two are only ones truly see this silent strength and support that he lends. And for both of them, they do not necessarily someone ‘loud’ about that support because either an unwitting pride (Jakurai) and just needing a hand to hold (Hifumi). In addition to that, Doppo is likened to a dog because of his viciousness as rapper but I see it also fitting because he’s like a guard dog to both of them. He’d put his body and self on the line if it meant the safety of the other two. He’s not standing by for anyone’s disrespect of them, I mean he was willing to face the force he knows could wipe him off the face of the earth to defend Jakurai’s honor (FP vs MTR when they first arrived) and protect Hifumi from the source of his trauma (BAT vs MTR), who could utterly destroy him.

Hifumi’s I’ve only become a bit more acquainted with because it seemed so straight forward at first. He’s the sunshine of the team, probably why he’s designed as he is. I mean if you notice in their parts in group songs, he hypes up the others and his voice is distinctly lighter in tone and material than the other two. Weirdly, Hifumi is also the one with the most sense in Matenrou. That sounds so strange if you know his personality and his penchant for trouble but like he pushes past the eccentricities to get to the heart of Jakurai and Doppo. And Jakurai probably doesn’t feel he needs anyone to see that aspect of him but he has to compete with Hifumi’s straightfowardness and stubborness, which he actually loses against a lot. And Doppo is long accustomed to it because he’s probably had his heart open to Hifumi for years but still touchy because of how bright Hifumi seems. Although also simply, Hifumi is the one that actually looks out for the basics that the other two seem to over look a lot.

I have a lot of feels of this guys and probably could write a whole thing on them but this is already long so I’mma end it with...anyone else notice that these guys are the one power of friendship team? Like their whole team only works because they genuinely like each other and want better for/defend their friends. A lot of the other divisions have a friendship, don’t get me wrong, but if you notice in the 2nd DRB season, a lot of the original ones are having arcs where they are figuring out that yes indeed they are friends and they have each other’s backs. (Only exception probably being Bad Ass Temple, which is probably why they were paired against each other). But Matenrou on the other hand were already at that point. This season was more to emphasize that they’re not fair-weather. Like they’re willing to go through the mud and pain that could be faced when you say that you are a confidant and ‘there’ for your friends. Which is why regardless of how ever they are seen as, I believe they possess such a strong and beautiful love that while unreal, is nevertheless a light and warmth within the dark.

#30 days of hypmic challenge #matenrou #jakurai jinguji #doppo kannonzaka #hifumi izanami #hypmic #hypnosis mic #long post #maybe they'll get shorter but please let me wallow in my feels

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minkdenmilo · 4 years ago

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💙 Autism Trait Listing Time 💙

I am self-diagnosed as of now but I'm in the process of trying to get tested and my diagnosed friend said that a lot of what I told her lines up so it's likely I am autistic.

+ Constant Fidgeting: Bouncing of my leg, Tapping of my fingers - If I stop I am physically uncomfortable and tend to shake my ankle/foot or shake my wrist/hand

+ Sensory Oveload at Noise: Usually it's not the loudness of noise for me, but the overlapping of noises. Hearing a television play a show + someone talking + someone somewhere else talking etc. makes me get a headache and I sometimes feel like crying because I can't focus or really hear myself think.

+ Sensitivity to Sudden/Loud Noises: I flinch and startle at loud noises frequently- to the point in which it is noticeable by friends. If the bell goes off when I don't expect it to or the fire alarm I nearly fall out of my chair. If my dad raises his voice or if anyone gets upset and raises there voice I instantly assume they're yelling and tense up- even if they're just raising their voice a little.

+ Tactical/Texture Sensitivity: I detest certain textures and actively avoid them like cotton balls (which feel like how nails on a chalkboard sound), fennel/rosemary, any texture in drinks, nuts in bread, etc. in which my family has noticed and teased me over. Where as other textures I adore and constantly seek out like tree bark or soft fur like textures.

+ Stimming(?): I constantly pick at my skin and when I try to stop I can briefly before I go back to doing it without thinking because it's relaxing. I constantly play with the joysticks on my Nintendo Switch to help compensate and give my hands something to do. I use a fidget spinner sometimes as well to help relax and when I get anxious I use it more often cause the noise it makes and the action of spinning it is helpful. I also do the ASL (sign language) alphabet without thinking to myself just cause it's relaxing and when told to stop I get a bit anxious. I tap my fingers together repetitively a lot and my friends have noted this and have mentioned I tend to do it more when I'm stressed or bored.

+ Hyperfixation: I have the habit of finding something I like and then focusing on it violently. When I was a kid I would watch the same three movies (Newsies, Highschool Musical, and Hairspray) on repeat until I memorized the lines. I went through a phase where everyday I watched Total Drama for like half a year- I still remember the events of each episode. If I watch a video on a video game I have to look up the Wikipedia entry on it, read everything in the fan wiki, and watch video after video deconstructing the game until I'm satisfied. I'll listen to the same song for hours at a time for a week or more and then ramble about it to my friends. My habit of infodumping everything I know about a subject bothers my families and friends. I'll ramble for an hour about an idea I have for a play to a friend before realizing I haven't shut up cause I know most people don't care about minute things like I tend to.

+ Being a Kid: As a kid I was definetely the odd one out. I would hug everyone regardless of who they were, how close we were, or if they were receptive. I just had to hug people- I would get upset if I couldn't hug people. To this day I have stuffed animals I hug because I get anxious without the physical sensation of hugging after too long. I never seemed to be on quite the same wavelength and would stare people down just randomly, even I didn't really understand why I'd do it but I would just lock eyes with someone and not stop until they told me to. People would openly mock me and it would go over my head because I genuinely thought they were my friends and were being nice (I would get called werewolf due to my messy hair and sharp teeth and I would just smile and say I preferred being a vampire). I wore the same velcro shoes everyday until they wore out and demanded my mom buy the exact same pair. I'd cry whenever someone hurt my feelings even once I turned 10 and 11. I accidentally hurt my friends by punching them or pinching them cause I didn't realize how much I was hurting them until I drew blood or they demanded I stop.

+ Routine: I hate being late. I hate being on time. I have to be 10 minutes early to everything. If I have to be somewhere at 9 and its a 30 minute drive then I have to leave the house at 8 or 8:10. If it hits 8:11 and we aren't on the road I lose it. I cry and panic and I shake like a leaf until my dad starts the car. In elementary if we were even a second late I'd sob uncontrollably and panic. Now I still cry and shake but it's not as bad. I am an avid rule follower even when I know I'm being silly. My friends and I went to an abandoned building and I was anxious that we'd be arrested despite knowing people did it all the time and it was fine. I had to stay at school after hours for a project and I wouldnt stop worrying we'd get caught and expelled even though our teacher said we could. When I was like 8 or 9 I read about how not turning off your heater started fires so every day before I left for school I'd check to make sure the heater and oven were turned off three times each. Even if we'd never turned them on in the first place. I haven't been able to focus in online school without the structure of being physically in school no matter how hard I try. When my dad takes the family places last minute I feel unbearably anxious and out of it, even when I am aware I am overreacting. I have noticed executive disfunction issues in the past and when presented with multiple things I need to do I get overwhelmed and panic and do nothing instead. I hate clutter and in the desire to clean one item I end up deep cleaning everything just because I start one chore then think of another in the process and it spirals from there.

+ Misc: I have always been the sensitive emotional child. My mom frequently teases that I never get her sarcasm. I can't decipher how people feel unless I can hear their voice and see their face which makes texting and to a lesser extent voice calling anxious and weird for me. I actively avoid eye contact with people I don't know well and avoid conversation on elevators or in public spaces. I adore watching slime videos and stim boards are wonderful now that I've discovered them. Math isn't my strong suit because the numbers don't make sense to me- I can't decipher even simple algebra equations but I've always been great at reading and I pride myself on my vocabulary and way with words. Despite this I can't give speeches or explain things to save my life even if I know exactly what I mean and want to say I just cannot verbalize it properly so I have to write down exactly what I want to say before I say it. Even then I ramble too long and my dad frequently notes I can never "get to the point and trim out the unnecessary details" but like- I can't tell which details are necessary or not. I can never be presented a broad piece of information and understand it, I need every minute detail first otherwise I cannot understand the bigger concept and thus when I speak I provide every detail to make my point crystal clear. I also feel uncomfortable around authority figures and adults- way more than seems normal- and avoid eye contact and tend to be especially anxious and respectful because adults and authority figures just scare me.

These are all just like the immediate things that jump into mind + context around them. Idk if these could actually point to me being autistic but if anyone has any advice or help then please let me know. I'm kinda worried I'm being a hypochondriac but that might just be because my dad doesn't believe in autism so I'm internalizing that.

I've had close friends say some of my symptoms seem like anxiety or OCD but the texture based stuff and the fact that I have purposefully tried to stop stimming and fidgeting and have tried to repress my natural behaviors due to being seen as like weird and "off" makes me think maybe it might be autism and I just didn't realize because I assumed everyone dealt with similar things and I just was bad at handling it.

#autism #possibly autistic #asd #autism advice?#plz help i am very worried im overreacting and i dont want to talk to my parents unless im like 100% i have it

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dapper-ships-herself · 5 years ago

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Beast au, mafia! Gillian and ADA! Gillian

I will mention some spoilers for the Beast light novel, so if you would rather not know them you can ignore this for now.

I will also say right now, I have not read the Beast novel, I think it's still as of writing this not even published in english yet, so my knowledge is mainly from the wiki and I may have read some things wrong. My canon any way tho

Beast! Mafia! Gillian

She joins the agency.

After Mori was taken out by mimic and Dazai took control of the mafia, she was very... confused. She has always hated being in the mafia, but saw no way out and also knew the only family she had that accepts her was Mori. Now that he's out of the picture, she knows she could leave, wants to, but there's still Dazai.

Dazai knows he's now the only thing keeping her in the mafia and wants to set her free.

The Beast novel, from what I gather from the wiki, is a world where Dazai got the Book and is guarding and using it to have a world where Oda lives and gets to be happy with the orphans and be a writer. He basically sacrifices a lot and like his own happiness for Oda. He also wants this to be a world where mafia! Gillian can be happy and finally in the light of day.

So he fires her.

He kicks her out of the mafia, basically being as cold as possible and acting like the boss position has really brought out his cruelty in the handful of months he's had the position. He wants her to hate him so she won't look back and regret leaving him in the mafia.

Lost, alone, and even more confused, mafia! Gillian wanders the city. She's only ever known the mafia, the only skills she's ever had are ones meant for the darkness, how was she supposed to find a real, normal job?

Dazai, because he's Dazai, of course managed to manipulate things and pull some strings do she'd just so happen to meet Oda while out in the city. I think like, a car is coming for one of the kids he takes care of and she uses her shadows to save them.

Oda, from what I gather about the Beast novel, is alive because he'd left the mafia before mimic ever even showed up, so he and Dazai also weren't ever friends in the Beast au.

He sees how lost she is and offers for her to come stay with him and then recommends her to the agency.

Oda once again becomes a father figure to her, but her attachment is maybe a little more unhealthy oops. She hardly speaks to anyone except him and the kids.

She is genuinely happy to not be in the mafia and to be able to help people, but despite Dazai's best efforts, she looks back everyday and wonders what she did wrong, should she have tried harder, should she really have just left him?

She still cares about him, so when he tries to fall from the port mafia building, she catches him and damnit they get to heal together send tweet.

Beast! ADA! Gillian

She joins the mafia.

Instead of the police officer who took her to Fukuzawa finding her in that alley, more port mafia goons showed up. She was still drained and emotionless from unleashing her scream for the first time and from watching Ume get shot, she just kind of let's them take her.

In canon, she fully recognizes that the only reason she was able to heal from what happened and not go crazy, was because of the support she received mainly from Fukuzawa. In the Beast au, the mafia does everything it can to make sure she breaks.

She is sadistic and cruel in the Beast au. Where in canon her commands are sugared so she feels less bad about taking people's agency, so instead of saying just a curt "come here" she'd say something like "would you please come over here", in the Beast au she gives no shits about being polite. She is there master in that situation, her voice leaves no room for argument. Her scream is also a lot more powerful as it's now mainly fueled by a lot more rage than in canon.

She was kept muzzled and sort of locked up by the boss who recruited her and Mori out of fear of her ability. They used her for mentally torturing prisoners and in situations where her scream was necessary, mostly.

It's my understanding that Beast au Dazai remembers the canon universe or something like that, so going with that he remembers how ADA! Gillian should be, or at the very least he knows something is deeply off with how she should be.

He wants her to be happy, wants the perfect world, but as so far this is the "only world where Oda lives and is a writer" (bullshit), he can't bring himself to rewrite again. So ever since becoming the boss, he's kept her close.

He wants to help her, but he just is for once at a loss because he has no idea how. The mafia broke her mentally, and he can't just release her like she is.

She also feels some loyalty to Dazai because of his gentleness with her, even is she finds it strange and confusing and sometimes wants to command him to stop because she's just not used to it. She too saves his life and prevents him from throwing himself off the port mafia building, because I said so.

#bsd spoilers #bsd beast spoilers #dapper inserts #beast au #dazian #self ship au

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ralfstrashcan · 6 years ago

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3x13 Reaction / Commentary

Yeah I'm aware, stop judging X___X

I feel the need to point this out. Apparently it's common practice for the Praetor to just, kill off their more troublesome charges. Interesting. But Jordan has a different work ethic which is a) apparently not usual for praetors and b) something at least Nick attributes to his past and not, idk, common decency. Just how savage is the Praetor exactly?? (Also let me add this to the list of things why 3x15 makes no sense at all.)

Okay, so they found another mundane dead by Heidi's hand...... why exactly don't they call the Shadowhunters? Aren't they obliged to? I mean?

True, but it sure as hell is her responsibility how she handles them. But we established already that she has a serious perception problem and always sees herself as the victim.

I mean, prime example, if she could have made that smooth exit through the vent where the werewolves couldn't follow, why didn't she just do that from the start instead of attacking Nick? Because she wants to cause trouble and not just “live her life in peace” as she's pretending to.

More like, he didn't have the guts to face Alec like that. Also does that mean he draped Izzy on the couch like that in that cliché sleeping pose with one hand under the head? At least he took off her boots like a sane person.

“I'm just drained.”

Haha it seems Alec isn't the only Lightwood sibling with a shitty sense of humor.

“I don't have the same preexisting condition.” “You mean my addiction?”

No, Izzy, he obviously means your fashion sense, keep up. Seriously, who wrote that stupid ass line of dialogue.

I found it pretty hilarious that Simon, Clary's literally oldest and bestest friend since kindergarten, feels the need to apologize to Izzy for taking up so much time with his Clary-reunion and blocking the path for her. The Clizzy Energy is Strong.

“Hmmmm hot hot hot Clary, please show me more.”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY HAHAHAHA PERFECT

Also, Morningstar.... didn't Val name his dumbass tanker ship in S1/S2 Morningstar? Guy really has it with name repetitions, first Jonathan 1 and 2, now Morningstar Ship and Morningstar Sword... I bet he named all his stuffed teddys Mr Snuffels 1, Mr Snuffels 2, Mr Snuffels 3.....

The way he delivers this line me might've as well said “Please cut out the emotional disgusting bullshit my skin is crawling already from this I can't take any more mushiness PLEASE GO AWAY.” Gotta love Alec.

MAGNUS RAGE PUNCHING THE KEYBOARD IS THE MOST RELATABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

Magnus opening up about missing his magic MY HEART OH MY GOD

(Sidenote though: No wonder he got frustrated with the pretentious Shadowhunter Technology, I mean, look at it. There are only runes. Runes may be called runes, but they don't actually make up an alphabet. Why the heck is there a flexibility rune on the screen? It makes no sense.)

This whole scene (and Izzy's lipstick lol) is absolutely perfect. I love everything about it, especially Magnus and especially Izzy. I'd be really surprised if Magnus didn't find a way to get her that weird root thingy anyway, because he surely doesn't buy the “feeling a lot better now” line.

(Edit: Now thinking about it I realized two things, a) she probably didn't take him up on his offer to go to another warlock because she felt like that was unnecessarily rubbing in that he can't do it himself anymore* and b) with that line she probably meant she feels lighter already for sharing what happened and just <3<3<3<3<3)

*The only think that would have made this scene more perfect is if Izzy hadn't skimmed over his magic comment without acknowledging it in any way. Though with this thought in mind, that she rejected his offer to spare his feelings, I find myself placated.

Also I love how Magnus pretends he's going to look for pen and paper when really he's running straight to Alec to tell him all about this (and to prevent a repetition of 2x09 form happening.... and now I made myself sad again).

#effortless (Also reminds me of that post about fire message mechanics that I still owe a certain someone. Where is the time.)

HAHAHAHA

???????????? How do they know that? More importantly, does Alec know? Will he hear through the Shadow World grapevine??? So many questions.

I mean, I have sympathy for her. But like, she's too smart for me to buy that she genuinely can't see any other course of action. She just does this because it's the least effort for her, not because she's truly clueless what alternatives are there for here (aka not running around, killing mundanes, starting a fight with everyone). She just thrives on chaos.

Also “Wolves don't just attack without cause. Not in New York” ? Seems like all Institute except the NY one do a shit job since supposedly keeping peace between the Downworld factions is part of their responsibility. Yes, I am still salty about 3x15. (Also, if anyone's confused by this weird foreshadowing, I wrote notes for this reaction post while watching 3x13 when it first aired, but only got to finish it now after 3x19 aired and I can't keep my chronology-screwing bitterness to myself while finishing up the post. But mostly these are my thoughts from then.)

Yeah something tells me she's not gonna be totally uninvolved in that.

This and the fact that Russel wants to stop Bat from even leaving the Jade Wolf are the final proofs that all the werewolves actually live at the Jade Wolf and pile up in a giant snuggle pile in the kitchen at night. This is further cemented by the fact that Luke and Maia claim to have flats of their own but we never actually see them. Clearly they're both dirty liars that just wanted to mislead.

*late Jocelyn's late friend Eliot #rude #whatever

.......why the hell would Elias code that shit in Circle short hand? So other Circle members, who Jocelyn was hiding from, could easily open that super important safe? So smart! Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Luke in the Circle as well? Shouldn't he be able to read that, too?

1) Eliot is such a loser and a showoff for ostentatiously writing that J in Jocelyn 2) His hint is seriously “Don't open with brute force.” Wtf kind of hint is that man are you even real.

I'm sorry, okay, but everytime I see / hear Bellicosi I think Maxi-Cosi XD

*glares at 3x15* Will I ever tire of raging about that episode? Unlikely.

Why.....? Since he didn't have any problem 100% blaming Raphael for everything Heidi did (not unjustified, but I'm just saying he's suddenly changed his mind). I mean, if he'd said she's dangerous to him and his family that would've been another matter.

These are all runes that I don't remember seeing on the Shadowhunters' Wiki Rune Page. Please tell me more.

Jace: “Clary, you've been going nonstop since you came back. You need to take a minute.”

lol if only Jace would implement the same advice himself.

“Wow I suddeny remember I had a life before I was 10.”

German Dubbing: Yeah, the ones Consul Penhallow categorically ignored. Honestly. Who dubbs this shit. Wtf.

Listen I love everything about this scene. (Fun Fact: In the German Dubbing she says vampire addiction, not venom addiction lol as if she was addicted to vampires XD)

Alec Lightwood, best brother of the year. Btw he's been holding that title since birth. I also don't think Alec would ever judge Izzy for her addiction / look at her as if she's weak, so the fact that she thinks that says a lot about how the addiction affected her self-image.

Too bad Alec forgets this for the next few episodes and acts like a total tool in that Clave Investigation Thing, smh.

Good to know.

Haha that was witty.

Oooooh why don't they ask another warlock then? For example one who's actually always the smartest person in the room?? Who's also willing to work on this??? Just a thought tho, don't let me interrupt the Maruke Bonding. No, you know what? I hate the shipname Maruke, it's shit, so I'm calling it Luryse as it should have been called. Then again, when am I even gonna talk about that pairing? We shall see.

“Outrageous, just because people around me keep turning up dead! It's ridiculous, really, that they'd think I could have something to do with that. It's as if they're not aware this is a TV show and supporting characters die because *Moriarty Voice* THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO!”

“That what the kids call it these days when they get kicked out on their ass?” She literally says “From one exiled to another” so she clearly realized he's full of shit.

“And that's why in two episodes Imma get myself arrested by behaving like a dumbass and then chill in prison as if it's my greatest accomplishment.” Honestly Luke, so many No-s. I can't even.

“Wow I can't believe I have to see this Luryse bs up close.” Hah, now I used the right shipname and can move the f on from bashing that pairing. Sorry about that. I'm sleep deprived. That always makes me extra salty.

“When you're alpha you need to make the pack your first priority. Your personal life needs to take a back seat. And mine never did.” I applaud Luke for admitting he was a shit alpha because he didn't proritize the pack. Hindsight is 20/20.

Wow Luke so helpful <3<3<3 Just like I know and love you.

I also love how nobody questions that Heidi bit that mundane and then chilledly made a phone call at the scene of her Accords-violating crime. How frakking convenient.

But their runes aren't on the same side. Sloppy work. Also, if the illustrator obviouly takes artistic liberties, then the rune missing on the second pic doesn't have to mean anything. Maybe they just forgot to draw it. Then again this isn't even the most flimsy conclusion-making I've wittnessed on this show so I'll let it slide.

lol Jace and Jonathan are basically playing tug of war with Clary: Jonathan burning himself, Jace activating her healing rune XD

Ooooh brainless S1 Clary, how I have not missed you. Srsly now? Carve it out? That didn't work for Simon so why should it now? lol she should ask the seelie queen if she has some handy floor mosaic thingy in her courtyard to help with that.

In his defense, he moved.

It's not gonna work is what it is. Srsly how dumb are they? Why the hell does she think something so powerful can just be carved out?? Wtf.

Woooow they're using a rune removing device, color me impressed. I really thought they'd just put a scalpel to it. So, at least points for trying.

Uuuuh get some morphin, try again. I mean. But anyway.

*break up

......didn't she just break up with him because pack reasons? Where is that not a Shadow World Reason? Please explain. (Also choosing an unflattering screen cap of Simon because he annoys me? Absolutely. I am petty like that.) The easy way Simon accepts their break up really makes me wonder. If Maia hadn't said anything, would he have broken up with her? Since apparently things “changed” and they could “both” “feel” it. Honestly. He literally calls her his girlfriend at the start of the scene as if to draw attention to how ridiculous this is.

You know what, I don't even have the energy to rage about this. Their relationship was so great, they were so supportive of each other, they had great chemistry, great communication, they always stood by each other. And just because Sizzy has to be endgame there were suddenly weird-ass tension between them for no real reason – none that 3A Saia wouldn't have worked through like pros anyway – just so this break up wouldn't come out of absolutely nowhere. It's shit treatment of both their characters and their relationship and I'm just so exasperated with it all. (Also not the way to endear me to Sizzy. But at this point I feel like a broken record.)

Discount? It was free. Which I'm still finding super hard to believe by the way, that a werewolf establishment would just give out free food to vampires who don't even work there. But what do I know, right, I mean it's not like they just mentioned a few minutes ago how werewolves and vampires hate each other? Right?? Hahaha.

Wow. This actually takes the time to highlight that this break up wasn't as amicable as Simon thought. Maybe he thought that they were breaking up for human reasons, but Maia clearly feels she threw her relationship away for the pack and it's hard for her. And Simon's tirade wasn't really encouraging her to let him know that. I really appreciate that detail.

Other things I want to say: 1) I didn't like that Maia just flat out broke up with him. She should have informed him that she was going to step up for the pack and would have to prioritize that over their relationship and then leave it up to him if he wants to put up with that or not. By breaking up she made the choice for him. Her course of action is ic, I'm not critizising that, but from like, a personal stand point I don't like it. 2) Foreshadowing: Since her whole pack gets slaughtered, if that would have been the only reason to break up with Simon she coulda just gotten back together with him lol. Haha sorry I'm trash. I know.

Wow he's really dumb. He knows Heidi's brand of crazy and still he doesn't realize this was a trap. He said himself that Heidi must have done something for the Preator to be after her, and when the Praetor tells him she's been leaving copses left and right he...... takes this as his cue to ally himself with Heidi??? Wtf?????? Does he not believe what Jordan said? Again, he suspected something like that himself and since the Praetor are playing at being the Downworlder Police they wouldn't just make something like that up with no proof. The heck. I don't get you, Boss Vampire Guy.

Also, thumbs down for the Praetor, if they'd just told them their source was Heidi herself (on the phone) this could have been prevented. But, ugh. With how things are I can at least kinda buy that no working communication between vampire clan and Praetor exists.

Still, if the Praetor wants to be accepted as some kind of Shadow World Institution they should really work on their manners.

.................................................

I I don-- I can't. *sigh* I can't believe I just had to watch this with my own two eyes. Have they not been trained for a case like this? A fellow shadowhunter injured in the field? That activating the healing rune should be the first thing you do? Before lovingly prying information from the dying person?? I mean, if that's not Plot Convenience then I don't know what is. Sure, he needs to give them a snippet of info, but not too much. But please, please, couldn't writers have found a way for this that didn't make them look like the stupidest of idiots in the entire frikkin world?! Wtf. WTF. I can't believe it.

Uuuuuuh how did she know how to turn those things if all she had to work with was Don't use brute force?? Do I have to understand that?

“You brought coffee, after all.”

Look she's so ashamed she even turned away from the screen haha. Also it's so refreshing to see grown ass people approach a relationship like idiotic teens. (Yeah, that was sarcastic.)

“And right now I wanna do you.” Hahahaha sorry, too good to pass up, you can bet your ass imma turn this into a dumb comic XD

“I love you, Clary. And I'll love you until I die. And if there's a life after this I'll love you then, too.”

Okay, I wanted to roll my eyes at their love confession, but what Jace said was actually really sweet <3

Alec: All our people were accounted for at the time of the murder. Izzy: We think it was a Clave hit.

Oh couldn't have been one of the millions of Shadowhunters from another Institute? No, I'm sure Alec checked that on their neat little Shadowhunter Intranet, that all other Shadowhunters all over the workd were accounted for as well. Honestly.

Also, Maryse says “By the angel,” but in the German Dubbing she says “What the angel” which makes it seem as if Shadowhunters curse by replacing dirty words with “angel” and just... what the angel XD

Why the hell are they all so obsessed with Latin? Ugh. Exhausting hobby.

Btw lol, please rewatch that scene, the background music is weirdly reminiscent of the Stranger Things Theme hahahaha. (Also omg I'm peeking into the German dubbing and it doesn't even make SENSE hahaha what the shit.)

LOL that's like the soulmate trope but in painful XD basically the creepy incest edition XD But honestly can we appreciate what a nice hand Jonathan has with a knife and with his left hand?? Prodigy.

This is it, the final proof that they actually all live at the Jade Wolf hahahha.

...................................? Why the f is she happy to see Jordan? Last time they saw each other she clearly stated she hated him?? Do I need to understand?? Oh right. In the books Maia and Jordan get back together. Right. Stupid, why am I even surprised by this??

Wtf isn't he the clan leader? Why the hell is he acting so submissively to Heidi all of a sudden? Literally half a day ago he threw her out of his clan, knowing his place. And now he's like a puppet on her strings. Wtf. But I guess that happens when you treat characters as plot devices. They get inconsistent even if they only have two scenes. *sigh*

Awwww would you look at that, werewolves and vampires fighting with fists like mundanes. (Okay some of them had like, daggers, but where are the fangs and the claws? Honestly.)

Okay I did her injustice in my trailer reaction since this is a vamp and a legitimate fight situation.

Wow that actually surprised me. But Jordan also dies in the books so, oops. Just didn't think they'd skip the getting together.

WOW that really surprised me. I thought Maia would challenge him and they'd have an epic fight to the death or something. (Also wtf Griffin guy, what's with that creeper face.)

To be honest I find it hard to believe that Maia acts like this. Scared out of her mind, yeah sure. But she acts helpless, and she's never been that. When she got that pipe thing I thought she'd use it as a stake. Using it to block the door is smart, too, but why didn't she get another to have a stake? Her whole posture, uselessly hangig over Jordan screams damsel in distress and I don't like it at all.

Edit: I had certain fears how this plotline would be developed in 3x14 which thankfully didn't come true, but my conflicted opinion on this ending scene remains.

Anyway let’s take a moment and appreciate Maia’s Killer Boots.

BTW watched the 3x14 trailer and just.... what. Why the f would Magnus ask Lorenzo of all people for help? He can't be trusted. As if he wouldn't use that opportunity to break Magnus even further! WTF! Where's Catarina? Oh, let me guess, another Drunk Doctor Conference *epic eyeroll*

#shadowhunters #3x13 #clary fray #magnus bane #alec lightwood #jace wayland #isabelle lightwood #simon lewis #maia roberts #luke garroway #maryse lightwood #kyle #heidi #reaction

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cavaliant · 6 years ago

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Time to actually articulate my issues with the Fandom FE wiki’s Reinhardt page ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ This is like...obviously coloured by my own interpretation of the game so pls don’t kill me lmao. All bolding is mine.

(Also, disclaimer: since I don’t feel like deciphering the original script rn, this is based off Serenes, as well as this LP, with all the possible lost-in-translation things they may entail.)

“A paragon of professionalism and honor among Friege's knights, Reinhardt is an honorable leader who understands the horrors of war.”

Does he understand the horrors of ripping countless children away from their families to sacrifice to a dark god tho??? Like. It’s entirely possible that he was helping Ishtar free the children in secret since he was so close to her. But it’s also possible he was in the dark and/or turning a blind eye. We don’t know because it’s never confirmed either way onscreen; all we DO know is that when Olwen brings up the child hunts being deplorable all he does is say he doesn’t want to lose his only sister. He doesn’t endorse them, but he doesn’t condemn them in that convo either. It’s even lampshaded ingame:

Regardless of whether he endorses it or not, he isn’t really...confirmed to be doing much about it onscreen either, unlike other characters from Friege such as Ishtar, Olwen, Fred, Amalda, etc. So...not really sure on that honour bit for now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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“He holds immense respect and love for his sister Olwen, with his own doubt only serving to improve his impression of her despite her siding with the enemy, with him observing that she has chosen the path of good.”

OH YEAH SURE giving her a sword to kill you with and basically encouraging your YOUNGER SISTER to murder you (he doesn’t even fight back) but ALSO not bothering to tell anyone else on his side to like you know...maybe look out for his little sis out there...maybe like...don’t kill her...totally fine...much love, very respect, wow.

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“In spite of his common sense, Reinhardt, similarly to Camus, loves his motherland to the point where he will disregard what he may believe is the right path, in favor of continuing to serve his friend Ishtar, and his motherland of Friege, until his dying breath.”

1) What common sense. I dunno man he seemed pretty desperate to get his sister back to the side of the motherland despite his “common sense” telling him it ain’t right.

2) It’s possible to say he’s too loyal to Friege to join you but he never really...gives much indication that he’s doing this for his country specifically. I know it may be a product of not getting the time to give a massive speech about his undying love for his country or something but from the way he talks I always got the impression he was doing it more for Ishtar (who happens to be part of Friege) and, after she sends him away, because he didn’t know what to do next.

Like if Ishtar defected from Friege, I’m 100% certain Reinhardt would have defected too instead of telling his sister to murder him (which isn’t at ALL helpful to his supposed goals of serving Ishtar and/or respecting his sis).

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“He even regrets fighting against Leif's army, requesting forgiveness when he enters combat against them.”

When you fight Reinhardt in Chapter 22 he says, “This was meant to be… Forgive me…”. His sword version in FEH also states, "Leif is the enemy. However, being here—another place, another time—may allow me to tread another path."

Since the quote from the wiki focuses on his Thracia lines, I’ll focus on those as well. It’s possible for his request for forgiveness to be made out of genuine regret. However...going “sorry please forgive me” and then killing people doesn’t!!! Excuse you!!! From what you did!!! Does he do anything afterwards to make up for it? No!!! Beyond the sword he gives to Olwen, he doesn’t do shit about his “fate” of fighting his sister and the Liberation Army.

Maybe he really felt sorry and caught between a rock and a hard place! But at the same time, it also seems like he’s dodging responsibility for his actions. “Meant to be”, my ass. Was it just the “whims of fate” that led him here? No! Ishtar made her choices, and Olwen did the same. And he chooses to remain as he is, unwilling to betray Ishtar but unwilling to stain his own hands with his sister’s blood (though he’s certainly willing to kill her comrades, guess it was just meant to be!).

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“He holds immense respect for Ishtar (out of appreciation for her skill with thunder magic) as well as Saias (for his tactical prowess), and it is revealed that he has seen the former as more than a friend. It is never known how he feels about Julius beyond the typical jealousy, due to his code of honor preventing him from objecting Julius's order to separate him from Ishtar.”

MAYBE he’s feeling a bit resentful of Julius for separating him from his mistress, but what he actually says is:

Rinehart: “Yes, she has, but I chose to stay because I’m worried about my sister. Besides…Lady Ishstar has no need for me any more.”

Cyas: “She told you that herself?”

Rinehart: “Yes. She said that since she is with Lord Yurius, there is no need for me to worry about her…”

And then the subject turns to Olwen. So sure! Maybe there’s some salt and jealousy simmering there under the surface. Maybe he hates Julius for sending him away from the side of the person he’s been serving faithfully ever since she was young. You could take these lines that way. You could also just as easily not. You could just as easily take it as him just being gloomy and lost now that he’s suddenly been tossed out of a position he’s presumably held for years now, unable to protect one of the people he cares about anymore.

As for the “more than a friend” bit...it is implied by an NPC soldier (who mutters about Reinhardt “running to the queen’s side in a time like this” and is then told off by his commanding officer) and by Julius himself that Reinhardt might have romantic feelings for Ishtar. However, I’d also like to point out that rumours about lady-and-knight relationships probably aren’t uncommon in Jugdral, and that Julius himself has a highly personal stake in the matter.

If anyone’s jealous, it’s Julius, forcing Ishtar to tell her male bodyguard not to hang around her anymore on the pain of death (Reinhardt’s death that is). Regardless of whether Reinhardt actually had feelings for her or not, you get the feeling that Julius just doesn’t want any men hanging around his fiancée, particularly Reinhardt who has been close to Ishtar for a long time. And again, Reinhardt never actually says anything explicit about how he feels about her. So while it’s possible he does love her romantically, I wouldn’t call it canon beyond a shadow of a doubt.

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Anyway yeah I don’t think Rein is an evil person but he sure as heck ain’t a poor bb paragon of virtue who just happened to be forced to stay on the wrong side ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I love him, but I also want y’all to know he’s a fucking trash man so please don’t baby him on this blog! Call him out! Judge him! I support u...

#this is a really fucking long post jsyk #rein: hcs #i love reinhardt but he's a fucking garbage man and i will fight on this #ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRASH #ACCEPT THAT HE HAS GOOD POINTS AND BAD ONES #many bad ones...#every day is roast reinhardt day on this blog #*adds him to my collection of crispy boys*

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aroworlds · 6 years ago

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Hey super big question , I feel like we’re about to be slaughtered this December because Grindlewald is Aro Gay And I’m worried that jk is going to completely dehumanize him with Jonny Depp and that she chose Jonny because of his ability to play dehumanizing characters and the writing and his portrayal combined is going to be horrific for us and I can’t stop stressing about it , and asshole allos had to bring up Grindlewald is Nazi metaphor and then I just read the wiki on Hitler, he was ace fml

I said on the weekend that we should be allowed to connect to characters who are not good representation and express that connection, and that’s absolutely true. This said, it is also true that our connection does not mean other people cannot discuss the problems with that character and story. I can express a connection with Clariel; other people have the right to discuss how her position as series antagonist situates her as another loveless villain and her message is, consequently, damaging. Both approaches are important.

To deny people space to talk about the problems, parallels and metaphors in a work or character because of our connection is as silencing as their denying us space to speak of our connection. There are specific spaces where it isn’t appropriate to discuss some feelings in that space (a fanblog where folks gush about Clariel isn’t the best space to argue that she’s dreadful aro-ace rep) and this should be respected. On your own blog, you can certainly put up boundaries on the conversations you prefer not to see. But in broader, general community spaces, the risk is that people will have differing viewpoints and that many of these viewpoints can be hard for us to take, especially if our connection to a character or work is deep and intense.

As an autistic, it can be difficult to see people have a differing opinion about a special interest. It bothers me if they don’t like something I like; it bothers me even more if they like something I consider terrible! It feels like a personal judgement, and it’s hard not to get extremely defensive in response. When it’s tangled up in questions of representation, erasure, marginalisation and identity, it becomes even more complicated, and my connection to my special interest is such that seeing differing attitudes and evaluations of it that hurt me provoke depression, defiance or anger. Those feelings don’t make for easy conversation about it with other people.

One thing I’ve found as an answer, at least in the realm of a work I connect to being dismissed, is analyzing works myself. Yes, I like it, but what does it mean? What’s the context of this character? What are the themes and how do they relate to real life? How might these themes cause harm to others? What does the context of this character say about identity? What lead them to develop this viewpoint? Is it one I should keep? This allows me to continue to engage with a special interest topic while having desensitised myself to viewpoints that aren’t mine, because part of how I now connect to it is thinking about it from lots of different angles. But this took me years to develop and you may not be yet in a position to approach things this way. It also doesn’t work for attitudes and evaluations of a work based in out-and-out hatred or bigotry; you need to be prepared to dismiss them without being overwhelmed by them, and that’s also an ability that takes time and self-awareness to gain.

I do recommend exploring the idea that a special interest doesn’t need to be perfect to have value to meand that a special interest doesn’t need to be perceived the same way by others to have value to me. Your connection to a work is about you and you alone. That connection is not diminished or erased by someone else’s opinion, someone else’s actions or someone else’s response. This applies for disagreement about character arc or idealised representation, and it applies to erasure and antagonism.

I know nothing about Hitler being ace, but so what if he is? Seriously, so what? There’s plenty of lesbian TERFs. There’s heaps of binary trans truscum causing harm to non-binary people. What of Milo Yiannopoulos? Does that mean all lesbians, all binary trans people and all gay men are irredeemable? Of course not! Being of a marginalised identity does not preclude one from being harmful, dangerous, cruel, malicious or damaging. There are aromantic people out there who are dangerous to me. That doesn’t make them less aromantic or less dangerous. It just means all kinds of people can be aromantic, including those I think morally reprehensible.

Anyone who declares all gay men dangerous because of Milo Yiannopoulosis a heterosexist bigot, and the same applies here. You cannot spend your life worrying that an awful person is gay/ace/aro/trans/autistic (etc) and what that means or if people will use that against you. If you do, you’ll never be able to breathe. The only person you’re harming with this worry is you, and you deserve better than that.

If other people use someone’s existence to dismiss your community, as has happened so many times in antagonistic conversations over the last couple of years, handle it like you handle anyone else hateful. Block them. Report vile hate speech to Tumblr. Move on to more constructive creations and conversations.

The majority of fictional and creative media is at least unthinkingly amatonormative, ableist and cissexist. I rarely get to pick up a book that respects me as a trans, autistic aro, and I have to acknowledge this risk of being hurt every time I start something new. This isn’t right or fair, but it is our reality. This movie is going to be no different on that regard, no different to the rest of the media that hurts us. The difference here is that I think this is a property you care about, one that you deeply connect to--and that’s perfectly right and normal! But that connection makes it harder to see that this is the same thing the a-spec community has been enduring for years and years. We’ve weathered everything that’s come before and we’ll weather this, too. You’ll weather this, just as you weathered every other instance of erasure and antagonism in a fictional work.

You can’t change what track the film takes or how people respond to it. You can’t control other people’s coding. You can’t control other people’s hatred, dismissal and erasure. Worrying does nothing to change the situation; it only causes you unneeded distress. Rowling has supported Depp’s casting despite wide condemnation, so what else can you do? You either see the film anyway, knowing the risks, or you don’t--and not seeing it is a valid and reasonable option, one absolutely worth considering.

Under the cut, I talk about therapy and self-care for handling anxiety:

Given your distress, I do feel it a requirement to say that I think you should look into psychology and therapy services for your anxiety. This ask goes a little beyond the scope of what I can reasonably and ethically offer in validation and support. As someone with severe anxiety myself, I swear to you that worrying about something like this, a situation you cannot change yourself, is a problem that is causing you unneeded distress and harm. I don’t know where you live or what your options are, but there are blogs that detail support options. I genuinely believe that you need professional support here and encourage you to consider this in whatever options available to you.

(If you are already in therapy or treatment, I take this post as an indication that your current approaches are not best supporting you and it may be worthwhile to discuss this with your care providers.)

I’ll finish by saying that you can handle the situation, if you feel that you cannot bear the finished film and conversations about it at all. Blacklist tags relating to content you don’t wish to see. Unfollow people who post content you don’t wish to see, especially if it’s most of their content or they don’t tag. Don’t go searching tags. Follow blogs you trust. Quietly block anyone who annoys you. You don’t need to engage in arguments on something you disagree with; you can block users and, if you really need to get something off your chest, make new posts about it on your own blog, in your own space. Turn off anon asks if you think you might be harassed for your opinions; restrict private messages to only blogs you follow.

I’d strongly advise not engaging in discourse and arguments with people who disagree with you. Block, make new posts on your blog if you must talk, reblog folks who are making points that resonate with you. You don’t have to convince the world of what you know or how wrong they are. You don’t have to engage in activism here. Just block and move on. Getting yourself caught up in arguments with people who aren’t disposed to hearing you will only cause more stress and harm to you. Some people can constantly engage in discourse without losing themselves in anger and aggression, but I’m not one of them, and I suspect you’re like me in this regard. Our activism is healthiest for us when directed into community building and validation, not fighting those who won’t listen.

Likewise, you can prepare for any self-care you need should the above fail. Have go-to media like books, films and music you need to distract yourself. Have a list of activities you enjoy that you know that calm you and work through them. If you have a friend or two you can trust to talk with you or distract you, contact them. If this is in your ability, go outside, go for a walk, go to the shops--away from your computer or phone. Watch a YouTube craft video and attempt to follow it. Play games. Write unrelated fanfiction. Keep a list of Calming Things You Can Do by your desk and on your phone, and work to develop a habit of reaching for that list when even slightly overwhelmed or stressed. Again, this is an area where a mental health professional will help you in identifying and using the interests and tools you already have to cope, particularly in working with your own interests and needs, so if you can’t put this into action on your own, this is another sign that you need a psychologist or therapist on Team You.

It’d be irresponsible of me not to suggest that you, and any other aro-spec who feels this way, seek professional support. That you’re turning towards me says you’re not currently getting what it is you need elsewhere, offline and off. That’s not a criticism on you: you deserve to be supported. It’s in no way a crime to want someone to help shore you up in the face of dismissal, erasure, antagonism and hate; it’s in no way a crime to want support from a fellow community member in the face of the antagonism we are so often dealt.

But right now, I do believe–again, as a person with severe anxiety myself–that you’re in need of professional support to cope with the things you’re finding difficult, much more support than I am ethically able to provide. I know first-hand that finding good mental health care is far from easy for many of us, but if anything is available to you, I hope you’ll consider seeking it out.

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hyperfixatin-blog · 7 years ago

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HOW TO WRITE A SELECTIVELY MUTE CHARACTER.

I’m seeing a lot of writers making the decision to make their character what is called ‘selectively mute’, and while I’m so happy that the S.M. community are finally getting some representation, I would much prefer that it could be portrayed as accurately as possible. I’ve found a lot of ‘how to write mute characters’ guides, but I’ve yet to find many that specifies completely on this disorder. This guide is written by someone who has personally suffered from selective mutism as a child and somewhat as a teenager. If you wish for your character to have this condition, I’d encourage you to read on and perhaps learn a few things about it.

Please bear in mind that most of what I’ve written below are from my own personal experiences and that everybody deals with the condition differently! I am also not a doctor or a health professional, but I hope that this guide will at least be of some help to you!

WHAT IS SELECTIVE MUTISM?

Selective mutism is defined by wiki as: “an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech cannot speak in specific situations or to specific people. Selective mutism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.”

So yes, for me it was the acute and intense phobia of socialising, or more accurately (and perhaps the most important aspect to distinguish) the crippling fear of being mocked and ridiculed. It is not a fear of speaking. I, for example, could talk quite comfortably to very close friends and nuclear family, but was suddenly rendered speechless when surrounded by my school friends, teachers, and most of my extended family members – however it must be noted that for my extended family, I would eventually warm up to them after a day or two.

DESTROYING THE COMMON MYTHS:

“So you basically couldn’t speak?” – Now that is a different kind of mutism, one that is usually caused by a health condition or likewise. If you wish for your character to be rendered speechless because they are physically unable to (for example, if your character is hard of hearing etc.), then this isn’t the guide for you and that isn’t selective mutism – although it is completely possible for your character to have both! Just as long as you recognise that they’re two completely different conditions. There was nothing physical preventing me from speaking but my own crippling social anxiety, a little ‘voice’ in my head that told me that whatever I said would be stupid and therefore not worth voicing.

“It sounds quite cute/adorable” – That whole stereotype of the shy girl who’s adorable because she’s quiet and blushes needs to die, right now. Selective mutism almost completely ruined my childhood. As a kid, bullies would seek me out at school because they knew I couldn’t ask for help. It got so severe that I had to move schools.

“You obviously went through some trauma in your life” – In some cases this is true, other times (like mine) I was just very socially anxious and belonged to a family with a history of diagnosed (and undiagnosed) mental disorders, which just so happened to include anxiety. There have been cases where certain individuals have been through a traumatic event and perhaps they feel they are unable to speak to the person involved in that event – whether that be due to the fact that they were part of the trauma, or the cause of the trauma, and speaking to them would stir up a fear of the event repeating itself.

“You were just being defiant/stubborn” – FUCK NO. I don’t think a lot of people understand that we didn’t choose to become selectively mute; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain like all mental disorders. It’s literally like saying to someone with a broken leg to ‘get out of their wheelchair because they’re just being lazy’. I can’t stress this enough. I honestly can’t tell you what it was like being a kid and wanting to fit in and talk to people, yet believing that whatever I said would cause havoc for myself. It’s possibly one of the lowest forms of self-esteem you can have.

“So you chose who not to speak to?” – Yes and no. Like what I said above, I didn’t choose to be selectively mute, but there was definitely a pattern of which individuals I found myself not talking to. These were either strangers/people I didn’t know well, because I had no way of predicting how they’d react to my comments and that terrified me; most of my friends from school because I cared about their opinion too much to supposedly ‘ruin’ it; and then a collection of extended family members which is a combination of both my reaction to friends and strangers, which really depended on who it was. If you watch The Big Bang Theory, Raj’s inability to talk to women is a perfect example of what I’m talking about (although please note that he is not the paramour of selectively mute characters).

SOME COMMON SYMPTOMS:

Avoiding eye contact – For me it was always this weird superstition where I thought that looking into someone’s eyes meant that they could judge me harder? It’s also just a natural sign of submission AKA I really didn’t want to fight anyone. I still can’t look people in the eye and I haven’t suffered from the condition in years.

Fidgeting – Ignoring the fact that I also have ADHD, I’ve heard cases where fidgeting (mainly with the fingers, hair, clothing, or by wiggling the leg while sitting) can be an effective way of expelling that nervous energy when finding ourselves in social situations, or just in an attempt to distract ourselves from our own shitty thoughts. My fidgeting were mainly oral fixations (which also helped my ADHD – so hitting two birds with one stone) like chewing on literally everything: my sleeves, my nails (and the skin around them), my lips, the skin inside my mouth (which has caused some weird internal Joker-like scars), and stationary like the ends of pens and pencils. All of these habits have stayed with me into ‘adulthood’. Your character can have all, some, or none of these! It’s entirely up to you.

Blushing: Good evening, my most hated side effect. This occurred pretty much every time a person of authority (that weren’t my parents) talked to me. The worst part was that I could feel myself flushing, and since I knew what it looked like combined with my social phobia, only made it worse. Let the vicious transformation into a tomato begin.

SEEMINGLY UNRELATED SIDE EFFECTS:

Difficulty expressing emotions

Fear of change (feeling most comfortable with a routine their familiar with).

Difficulty with facial expression

COMMUNICATION:

Gosh, there are so many ways you can communicate with someone who is non-verbal and it really depends on the person and their personal preferences. But here are a few suggestions and what your character could use:

Flashcards: this is what I used. I had little pieces of laminated cards which I’d use at school. They didn’t have masses on them as you can imagine, but simple sentence starters and words like the basics greetings (hello, goodbye, good morning, good afternoon etc.), a card that requested ‘help’, yes and no, and whether I had brought a lunch or required food from the cafeteria. So it wasn’t exactly a full blown conversation, but it was enough to communicate the basics.

Sign language: I’m not saying your character should be able to know sign language off by heart (I certainly didn’t), but even just a few words that would communicate what was on my flashcards helped a lot. To be honest, for me the only reason why I picked up bits of sign language was because my younger brother, Sam, was autistic and didn’t start speaking full sentences to anyone until the age of four. So it also helped me and my parents to communicate with him as well as me.

Written communication: pretty self-explanatory. Whenever there was something I wanted to say but couldn’t communicate through my flashcards, I’d get a piece of paper and write it down.

Once again this is totally flexible. Your character can use all of these, some of these or none of these! It all depends on personal preference and the environment they grow up in. I’ve also not included every single way to communicate non-verbally because that would be a hella long list.

SCHOOL:

Okay, so my school experience was pretty shitty because of my selective mutism and here are a list of reasons why:

TEACHERS: I couldn’t ask for help. Yeah sure, I had a flash card with the word ‘HELP’ scribbled across it but, uh, I had severe social anxiety y’all I wasn’t always comfortable with drawing attention to myself. Especially since it was usually followed by the most painful few minutes of trying to communicate what I didn’t understand without words. It got so bad that I didn’t know how to add, subtract, multiply or divide at ten years old, and had to do Kumon (an intense Japanese tuition styled programme to help me get back on track). Having said that, I did have undiagnosed ADHD so that would have made everything 10x worse in the education department as I wasn’t always, y’know, listening.

BULLIES: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so this was a biggy. I’m not going to go into my sob story but it got so bad that it was one of the main factors in why I moved schools when I was seven.

MISUNDERSTANDING: okay, so I was thinking about this last night and remembered something really fucked up. I was told by a qualified teacher at the end of year 2 (I was seven years old) that if I didn’t speak by the start of year 3, I would fail school. Yeah, fucked up right? I genuinely remember the crippling anxiety I felt when she told me that and how mad my parents were when I told them. ANOTHER THING: my teachers did not tell all the staff about my mutism. I was queuing up for lunch and I pointed to the thing I wanted and when I didn’t say please, they almost refused to give me lunch and called me rude in front of my entire year. It’s this misunderstanding that caused me anxiety that could have easily been prevented if everyone had been better educated about the condition.

WHAT I’VE GAINED FROM THE CONDITION (positive):

Strong empathy

Above average perception/inquisitiveness

A strong sense of right and wrong

So there you have it, selective mutism. I really hoped this helped give a better understanding of what the condition is. Please don’t take this disorder lightly because it’s an ugly, ugly thing to have and it should never be a cute ‘quirk’ for your character. Also I must stress that you shouldn’t take this guide as your only research. Google it, look on the selective mutism/actually mute tag, research research research; it’s the best way to portray anything accurately. This guide is very basic and does not involve everything because that would take me forever.

If you have any questions regarding selective mutism or this guide, send me a message and I’ll be happy to direct you the best I can! <3

#feel free to reblog !!!#rph #rph guides #writing guides #character guides #selective mutism guide #how to write a selective mute character #mute guide #mine. : guides.#tw: anxiety #tw: mutism #my posts.#my guides.

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blazehedgehog · 7 years ago

Link

I was interviewed to be part of this article over at Cultured Vultures! It talks about the history of Sonic fan games in the wake of Sonic Mania. Give it a read! I’m actually genuinely impressed the author (Ryan Atkinson) managed to track down Aytaç Aksu. That’s a name I haven’t heard in a very, very long time. That alone makes the article worth checking out, if you ask me.

I also checked in with Atkinson and he’s okay with me posting our full interview. I’m hiding it behind the “Read More” tag because as always I tend to be pretty longwinded (as usual; but that’s the entire reason I asked if it was okay for me to post)

Atkinson: How did you first get into fan games? Sometime in middle school, I started to wonder just how video games were made. My friends and I wrote up some very barebones documentation for a game we called "Sonic: In Your Face" and mailed them to the address Sega printed on the back of their game cases. Unsurprisingly, we received a rejection letter shortly after. But the idea of making your own games stuck with me; I started learning QBASIC on my home PC (an old hand-me-down 33mhz desktop running Windows 3.1). Starting high school, we all had to buy TI-8x calculators for Algebra, which came with TIBASIC. Using what I knew about QBASIC, I taught myself TIBASIC by reverse-engineering games other friends would send me. I started out by making simple text adventures (which I called "Moviegames," usually involving whatever my favorite movie was at the time -- Jurassic Park, Men in Black, etc.) and eventually started learning how to do ASCII graphics. The only problem was, if your batteries died, all software you had written would be erased. So it was a challenge to make anything substantial.

High school meant better access to internet-connected PCs, and eventually I stumbled upon something called "Sonic 2000." It was a Sonic game running in DOS, created by a fan. Or it was going to be, at any rate; I don't think it got very far. Either way, it piqued my interest, because there hadn't been any real Sonic games for a few years. It linked to a website called "Sonic Fangames HQ." Here was a whole community of fans making their own games, most primarily using a piece of software called The Games Factory (which was also available under a different name, "Corel Click & Create" -- same software, different brand). The talk of the town when I got there was the final release of the original "Sonic Robo-Blast," made in an earlier version of The Games Factory called "Klik 'n' Play." I wasn't impressed. The graphics were incredibly simple, the game didn't even have scrolling, and it was plagued by a bug called "Killing Death." It meant that sometimes, when Sonic would bop an enemy, it'd also kill him at the same time, even if you had rings. It was bad. I knew I could do better. So, after acquiring my own copy of Click & Create, I set about learning. The rest is history.

Atkinson: How has the fan game community changed over the years? The advancements in tech are probably the biggest change. A lot of 2D Sonic fan games still use the great grandson of The Games Factory -- now called "Clickteam Fusion." That's because there's now a pretty robust open source code base called "Sonic Worlds Delta" that closely mimics how the Genesis games worked. Sonic fan games today can look, sound, and feel almost like the real thing, and Sonic Worlds Delta has gone on to power games like Freedom Planet. Back when I originally joined SFGHQ, we were all using The Games Factory's built-in "Platform" movement setting, which not only does not play like anything even close to Sonic, but is also just really buggy and terrible in general. It's amazing how much mileage everyone's gotten out of Clickteam's software. That tends to happen with these [easy] game creation tools; I've heard people doing crazy things with RPG Maker, too. The complexity of today's fan games versus what everyone was capable of 18 or 19 years ago is insane.

There's also the simple fact that the community changes naturally. There seems to be kind of a cutoff point for Sonic fan games -- usually you get experienced enough that you try your hand at entering the game industry proper (for instance, the founder of SFGHQ, Ryan Langley, worked at Halfbrick on mobile games like Jetpack Joyride, and now he works at Pikpok games on games like Doomsday Clicker) or you realize game development just isn't for you and you move on. SFGHQ seems to be a very "generational" place that you don't really stick around forever, though you do occasionally end up with people like me that never seem to want to leave.

Atkinson: How does it compare to other fan game communities? I think it's just in general more advanced. To my knowledge, SFGHQ was the first website specifically dedicated to fan games. It opened in either 1997 or 1998. It took a really long time for any other fan gaming communities to crop up, and they've struggled to gain traction for various reasons. SFGHQ was already a pretty busy place by the time I got there in 1999, and it only kept growing.

SFGHQ gradually slowed down when Rlan (Langley) left in the mid 2000's, primarily because it was difficult to find someone who wanted the herculean task of maintaining the database of games and resources. In the interim, other fan gaming communities have gained power in its wake, most notably the Mario Fan Games Galaxy (MFGG), which is far closer in spirit now to what SFGHQ was back in its heyday. But SFGHQ is currently trying to stage a comeback; the forums recently relaunched with the ability to publish games to the database yourself with an almost wiki-like functionality, eliminating the bottlenecks that were strangling the community in years past. Hopefully it bounces back.

Atkinson: When you first got involved with Sonic fan games were there many games available and were they easy to find? One of the benefits in those early days was how easy it was to make a game. Making games isn't easy by any stretch, but especially nowadays, there's a lot of work involved in making a good fan game. Standards are very high. Back then, the bar was considerably lower -- you could throw together just about anything in a few days and that would be good enough. I don't remember exactly how many games were available when I got there, but I know I was never short on new things to try out from my new friends.

Atkinson: Why did you start SAGE? I loved all the games my friends and I were making, but trying to talk to anyone outside of our community about them always resulted in funny looks at best. Many wanted to stay away from our games because they viewed them as an extension of piracy. They thought we were making illegal bootleg games, like that "7 Grand Dad" NES game or whatever. Technically, we kind of were, but I always hated that terminology. By that definition, fan art is "illegal bootleg artwork" and fan fiction is an "illegal bootleg book." It's all about your point of view. So, I figured I would change that point of view. The original goal of SAGE was to create enough of a focal point on our community to generate press coverage and destigmatize fan games. I wanted to show the world all the cool stuff we were making and get people to realize these games were actually okay to play. That was a struggle, but SAGE ended up serving a good secondary purpose in that it gave the community a milestone to revolve around. Suddenly the "when it's done" deadline became "get something ready for SAGE." I think that's the actual driving reason why it's still going today.

Atkinson: Please could you describe some of the 2017 SAGE games. Well, the big one would be Sonic 2 HD, a game that went through some turmoil a few years ago due to trouble with an unscrupulous coder. They're back now, having changed out a number of team members, and the end result is a gorgeous 2D game that I think puts even some professional efforts to shame. If you ever looked at Sonic's box art and wished they'd make a game that actually looked like that, well, that's basically what Sonic 2 HD is. It's still got some rough edges, but for what it is, it looks and plays incredible. If Sega ever wants to take another fan project under their wing, it should be that one.

Sonic World (not to be confused with Sonic Worlds Delta mentioned earlier) is one of a growing number of 3D Sonic fan games. It's been in development positively for ages, and has a big focus on community feedback. The game in its current format is almost too big; we're talking dozens of playable characters and something like fifty levels, many of which were made by the community. It's very impressive, but has sometimes had issues with accessibility. It's very easy to be overwhelmed by how much stuff is in that game, but that's the way that community prefers it. Watching this game in the hands of a good speedrunner like DarkspinesSonic is a sight to behold.

Crash N. Tense Adventure is an example of how, even early on, SAGE was never entirely about Sonic. I don't know if there's a hugely robust Crash Bandicoot fan gaming scene, but even back when I personally ran and organized SAGE by myself in the early 2000's, I made sure that this was more a community event than just a Sonic event. If somebody was working on a Mario fan game, or even a totally original IP, that kind of stuff was always welcome at SAGE. N. Tense Adventure is fantastic; I love the animation. All of the characters have so much personality that you can't help but laugh at them, and it helps that it plays exactly like the PS1 Crash Bandicoot games. Honestly, this beats the heck out of anything involving Crash Bandicoot since 2001.

Clash Force 2 is an interesting beast in that the original Clash Force game just went up for sale on Steam. This developer actually seems to be using SAGE as a way to promote the upcoming sequel, which is something I don't think has ever happened before. Sure, we've had games like Freedom Planet show at SAGE, but that's because Freedom Planet started out as a Sonic fan game. This is the first time a published indie developer has shown a game at SAGE, though that kind of praise probably depends on how much you value Steam's publishing system these days. It's a fun game though, blending Sonic and Contra with character designs that feel like distant cousins to something like the Battle Beasts figures released in the 80's.

Forces of Mobius is a game I feel like I should have spent more time with. It's one of the rare few non-platformer games at SAGE, being a role playing game starring Princess Sally from the Archie Comics series. I'm a little in the dark, but it sounds like there's a growing sub-community of people making Sonic RPGs in RPG Maker, as the author mentions other games not only in his series, but games made by his peers, as well. These sorts of games don't show up very often at SAGE, but maybe they should.

And I just can't avoid mentioning SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, a remake of the notoriously bad Sonic 2006 Xbox 360 game. I think there will always be at least one modder out there who is obsessed with "fixing" a broken game, often by creating an unofficial patch. Here, the solution is apparently to just strip the game down to its spare parts and completely rebuild it in Unity. It's an interesting proposition, though I'll admit I'm more befuddled than anything else, especially given how close it's sticking to the source material. I'll still try the finished product, though, if it ever gets that far.

Atkinson: What does you believe the future looks like for Sonic fan games? I think as things continue, 3D games will grow in numbers. Sonic fan games are dominated by 2D games because those are the easiest to make. But with the availability of programs like Unity, and the existence of open source code bases like SonicGDK (Unreal Engine 3) and HedgePhysics (Unity), more and more people are trying their hand at building 3D Sonic games, and the tools are only going to keep getting easier to use from here. Perhaps some day, we'll get a 3D equivalent to Sonic Mania -- a game built by the fans, for the fans, with the blessing, support, and budget of an official Sega title. That'd be nice.

Atkinson: Is there anything you would like to add? I'm not kidding around when I say I really want to help fan games grow. It makes me sad and angry every time yet another news story comes around about a notable fan gaming project getting hit with a "Cease & Desist" shutdown notice. These stigmas are still alive and well, when the people making these games are honestly some of the biggest, most passionate fans out there. Making a fan game is not something to be taken lightly these days; it takes months, more often even years of dedication to finish. AM2R was in development for something like 11 years, and one of the oldest Sonic fan games still in active development, Sonic Robo-Blast 2, is probably over 15 years old at this point. That kind of dedication doesn't come easy. It takes these corporations minutes, maybe even seconds to invalidate a decade or more of work. There is no bigger sign that they don't really care about their fans -- they just want their money. A "Cease & Desist" is like watching your hero rip up your love letter to them. It's awful, and it needs to stop.

A few years ago Sega actually gave their blessing to Sonic fan games, so I think the community will only continue to grow. Hopefully, maybe, my original goal for SAGE will come to pass, and the sheer volume of Sonic fan games will make it a little easier for all fan game creators to make whatever they please without restrictions. If Nintendo can have a whole wall of fan art in their offices, why can't they celebrate fan games too, right? Maybe they're still just lacking the right point of view.

#sonic the hedgehog #cultured vultures #sega #sonic team #sage #sonic amateur games expo #sfghq #fan game #clickteam fusion #clickteam #nintendo #am2r #interview #history #sonic mania

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itsyaboisayori · 7 years ago

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Why I’m questioning Sayori

I said I’d make this post so here it is! Even got on my laptop to properly do the post :p I’m just kinda winging this but I’ll try to list out everything I can. If I forget stuff I’ll go back and edit it later so if you’re curious, keep watch! I’ll reblog any time I make edits, at least somewhat big ones.

Also, replies are welcome! I’m open to constructive criticism and anyone wanting to offer new viewpoints. I accept that I’m still learning and nothing is for sure yet. Also tbh anyone telling me I sound like I’m kin is validating as heck so if you’re thinking it then I’d appreciate you saying it ahaha, but please don’t lie to me because you think you know what I want to hear. I want the truth. I don’t want to be a confused mess ;n; And I know all/most of these could be COMPLETELY unrelated to being Sayori fictionkin, but I feel like they’re worth mentioning anyways. It’s more like, a bunch of little coincidences rather than big solid evidence, I’m aware of that and that’s a big reason why I’m questioning and not for-sure Sayorikin.

One thing I realized just a couple of days ago is how, since I was a kid I’ve had this like, ideal thing I guess? how do I put this into words lmao my brain is dumb,, I guess a fantasy, that I’d fall in love with a childhood friend, like someone I’m close with from a young age but strictly friends for a long time. I’ve always been in love with the idea of falling in love with your best friend. And of course that’s what happens to Sayori, due to her programming in DDLC. And if I’m kin with Sayori from other game(s) rather than just DDLC then it definitely could be something unrelated, just a coincidence.

I’m like, really drawn to DDLC?? Maybe just because DDLC is a great game and I love all the creepypasta type stuff behind it all, all the theories and dark shit, and also I think just as a cute dating sim it’d be great anyways (but nowhere near as great). But idk, when I saw it I immediately felt kinda drawn to it but maybe that’s just in my head or for some other reason like the characters look nice or smth.

Also it REALLY gives me feels. It makes me feel things in general. I rarely get genuinely scared from fictional stuff anymore but this game fucked me up. I’m still scared to play it on my own because, even after watching multiple youtubers play it multiple times, it still fucking scares me.

The Sayori suicide scene and her poem- especially the poem- really get to me. I saw people making hanging puns in the previous video before her death so it was kind of spoiled for me but even still, it got to me. And the scene where Sayori is freaking out because you deleted Monika before playing the game REALLY gets to me,, like I just understand that overwhelming, helpless feeling. Especially finding out why she acted that way, it’s so fucking hard to watch that scene and normally I’m not affected by this kind of stuff. So either DDLC is extremely good at psychological horror or I have some sort of connection to the scenarios, whether that be just that I’ve been through similar things and am projecting (not really that I remember though? idfk brains are weird) or ya know,,, I once lived as someone in DDLC or whatever.

(TW self harm/suicide/choking) Probably has no real correlation but when I have panic attacks/flashbacks (unrelated to DDLC I mean) I feel like I’m choking or like I can’t breathe. And when really frustrated I tend to choke myself? Sayori died from asphyxiation instead of her neck being broken, by accident because she used a stepping stool instead of something higher like a chair and jumping off. Btw I’m okay, I never actually choke myself to the point to causing permanent damage or anything, and of course I’m not saying this is like, okay or anything. I know it’s bad but I’ve done it completely on impulse, and this was all before learning DDLC even existed. I’m working on getting better and I’m not going to kill myself or anything, just thought I’d mention this.

I relate to her personality,,, so fucking much. Not just the whole pretending to be happy to make your friends happy thing, but how she is as a person besides her depression. Tbh I feel like a lot of people relate to her because of her depression and how she deals with it, but like she’s so much more than that. She pretends to be dumb but it actually pretty smart. Maybe she’s not the best with words but I think she’s a lot more intelligent than some people think. She’s so cheerful, maybe even annoying, and is kind of the class clown, and is a total weirdo sometimes but it’s GREAT and just,, same lmao. Like “looks like my boobs are getting bigger again >:D” is something I’d say lolol I just love Sayori so much, like idc if I’m kin with her or not she’s still fucking amazing.

Another reason I relate to her but probably is like not at all proof I’m Sayori or anything, just thought I’d mention anyways, but I was kinda like, really in love with my guy friend in high school for years, he’s actually kinda like MC in some ways, like he was kinda popular with girls but not like Popular(tm), super nice and couldn’t directly say no, but he knew I was in love with him (or at least knew I had a crush on him but he probably had no idea I liked him THAT much but hey neither did I for a long time lmao) and didn’t like me back and even started intentionally avoiding me. Like, he would make up an excuse to not give me a hug, like he was late for class, but hugs only take like a fucking second what the hell?? It sucked but like when the player turns down Sayori I Relate.

I just,,,,, want to hug Natsuki like she’s fucking adorable and I want to protect her the most bc she’s like a precious child and she’s obviously abused by her dad. Tbh Yuri is a little creepy and for some reason I don’t like her that much but I mean I’d still hug her. I don’t hate Monika, like it was just her programming to do all that stuff she did so I don’t blame her and she’s p cool and I’d hug her too tbh. When Sayori interacts with Natsuki it makes me feel all warm n fuzzy. Like I don’t think in my canon Sayori and Natsuki were dating or anything, I think I/Sayori am/was just really protective? Idk, thought I’d throw that out there.

I also heavily relate to wanting to be a mediator and wanting to help everyone get along and be happy. I often (try to) play that role in this life. I’m extremely empathetic, so that’s prob why, but I can’t stand when people are fighting or can’t see each other’s point of view. Though it also frustrates the FUCK out of me when people refuse to or just absolutely cannot see any point of view but their own. Maybe that’s not really a Sayori thing but ye

When I look at Sayori I get the same “that’s me!” feeling as when I see my kintypes. Who knows though, maybe in a month or two it’ll fade, we’ll see I guess. But right now it is Very Strong. Like I’ve somewhat questioned being fictionkin with other characters before but I’ve never had the “that’s me” feeling this strong with anyone else. Ruby from RWBY is a close second but I still think she’s just a kithtype.

I feel like having a past life or whatever as someone who was experimented on kinda makes sense?? Maybe I just enjoy horror a little too much but I really think if I am Sayori I’m kin with her like actual her not just the DDLC version of her. The new game hasn’t even been announced yet but I’m so excited, mostly because I feel like I want to learn more about my possible past life I guess. I wanna see if things in the second game connect with me or if it’s just DDLC. But I feel like, if I’ve had any past lives as any humans, they were probably really dark or smth. I kinda have a dark mind I guess and that would just make sense to me lmao, like I’m 21 why haven’t I grown out of my edgy phase, why the fuck am I still really into creepypasta? Damn.

I’ve been kinda obsessed with DDLC lately. I have BPD so it could totally just be a BPD obsession thing and maybe this obsession will fade and someday I won’t care too much about DDLC, only time will tell. Also I’ve had the song Your Reality stuck in my head for a week straight but it may just be a catchy song and I tend to have a song that kinda automatically starts playing in my head occasionally, usually lately it’s been Sad Machine by Porter Robinson (good song btw highly recommend)

Most likely unrelated but Sayori’s hair has been described as “strawberry blonde” on one wiki and my hair is like, light brown but reddish, though it looks more like Monika’s hair, especially because I keep my hair long. I’ve been kinda wanting to cut it but I like having long hair tbh and I feel like a lot of ppl don’t want me to cut my hair haha, though I really wanna get a short wig and maybe wear that occasionally (esp bc I’m non binary and wanna pass as more boyish sometimes, I know society will never accept me as nb bleh but anyways). Though, it’s been said that the reason her hair is short is because it’s easier for her to deal with, but I’m not 100% sure if that’s canon. Though I guess it doesn’t matter much? cuz multiverse stuff n all but, still.

Speaking of her appearance, she seems to not care too much about how she looks, which I relate to haha, especially because of depression n stuff. I mean I have Crippling Social Anxiety(tm) so I do care to an extent but usually I’m like, if someone likes me they’ll like me for who I am not how I look anyways. I don’t feel the need to dress super proper to impress anyone in casual social situations, like making friends or even going on dates (though I’ve only been on a real date like a few times and they were with my gf who I’d already been dating online for a while). And yeah a big reason she’s so careless about her appearance is depression but I think if I wasn’t depressed and she wasn’t depressed we’d still both have that mentality like, we don’t need to impress anyone with our appearance so it’s better to just dress how you want, whatever way makes you feel comfortable and happy with yourself and your body, than focus on being proper and stuff.

Maybe I’m just projecting but man I feel like a lot of stuff I do and my ways of thinking and stuff are very Sayori(tm). I feel like I am so much like her, like she’s so me. Though of course, maybe my reason for being kin with her is purely psychological. Maybe I “became” her after seeing DDLC. Maybe I am her because I relate to her so much. But again, only time will tell. If I still feel like I identify as her (which, currently, I most definitely do) in a couple of months or so, then I guess I’ll start calling myself fictionkin. Idk.

#dc #tw suicide ment #self harm ment #ficitonkin #kin #ddlckin #ddlc kin #sayorikin #sayori kin #ddlc fictionkin #doki doki kin #doki doki literature club kin #hey uh I'm open to suggestions/comments/etc as long as you're not like here to tell me I'm stupid for thinking I'm fictionkin or some shit #thanks #questioning kin #questioning fictionkin #I appreciate help and advice guys

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avoresmith · 7 years ago

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interesting dazai quotes

So I read The Setting Sun and No Longer Human recently, and each has characters that probably inspire Asagiri’s version of Dazai a lot. In the Setting Sun Naoji (the MC’s brother) is the Dazai-like, and in No Longer Human, it’s the protagonist himself.

I read about both books on Wiki and honestly wasn’t interested in them at all. the bullet points of the stories just sound kind of boring. But Dazai’s writing is honestly lovely, and his character work is great. But I only realized that once I saw some of the author’s own work. I won’t give context for many of these, but if you get curious, I highly encourage you to check them out!

Oh and CW for some very pro-suicide stuff. Uh. Dazai writes it better than Asagiri does. And additional CW for some reference to CSA.

Also, spoilers, obvs.

First, Naoji in The Setting Sun:

I want to spend my time with people who don't look to be respected. But such good people won't want to spend their time with me.

When I pretended to be precocious, people started the rumor that i was precocious. When I acted like an idler, rumor had it I was an idler. When I pretended I couldn't write a novel, people said I couldn't write. When I acted like a liar, they called me a liar. When I acted like a rich man, they started the rumor I was rich. When I feigned indifference, they classed me as the indifferent type. But when I inadvertently groaned because I was really in pain, they started the rumor that I was faking suffering.

The world is out of joint.

Doesn't that mean in effect that I have no choice but suicide?

In spite of my suffering, at the thought that I was sure to end up by killing myself, I cried aloud and burst into tears.

Solemnity = feeling of idiocy

It is painful for the plant which is myself to live in the atmosphere and light of this world. Somewhere an element is lacking which would permit me to continue. I am wanting. It has been all I could do to stay alive up to now.

When I entered high school and first came in contact with friends of an aggressively sturdy stock, boys who had grown up in a class entirely different from my own, their energy put me on the defensive, and in the effort not to give in to them, I had recourse to drugs.

I became coarse. I learned to use coarse language. But it was half—no, sixty per cent—a wretched imposture, an odd form of petty trickery. As far as the “people” were concerned, I was a stuck-up prig who put them all on edge with my affected airs. They would never really unbend and relax with me. On the other hand, it is now impossible for me to return to those salons I gave up. Even supposing that my coarseness is sixty per cent artifice, the remaining forty per cent is genuine now.

It may be true that in any society defective types with low vitality like myself are doomed to perish, not because of what they think or anything else, but because of themselves. I have, however, some slight excuse to offer. I feel the overwhelming pressure of circumstances which make it extremely difficult for me to live.

“What’s all this rationalizing for? Anyone can see that he’s a playboy from way back, a lazy, lecherous, selfish child of pleasure.” Up to now when people have spoken of me that way I have always nodded vaguely in embarrassment, but now that I am on the point of death, I would like to say a word by way of protest. I have never derived the least joy out of amusements. Perhaps that is a sign of the impotence of pleasure. I ran riot and threw myself into wild diversions out of the simple desire to escape from my own shadow — being an aristocrat.

Undoubtedly you will weep when you learn the news—apart, of course, from such ornamental sentimentality as you may indulge in—but if you will please try to think of my joy at being liberated completely from the suffering of living and this hateful life itself, I believe that your sorrow will gradually dissolve.

Any man who criticizes my suicide and passes judgment on me with an expression of superiority, declaring (without offering the least help) that I should have gone on living my full complement of days, is assuredly a prodigy among men quite capable of tranquilly urging the Emperor to open a fruit shop.

This is actually a character speaking about Yozo in the prologue of No Longer Human:

He is a student in this picture, although it is not clear whether it dates from high school or college days. At any rate, he is now extraordinarily handsome. But here again the face fails inexplicably to give the impression of belonging to a living human being. [. . . ] And yet somehow it is not the smile of a human being: it utterly lacks substance, all of what we might call the “heaviness of blood” or perhaps the “solidity of human life”—it has not even a bird’s weight. It is merely a blank sheet of paper, light as a feather, and it is smiling.

The rest of these will be from Yozo:

I have been sickly ever since I was a child and have frequently been confined to bed. How often as I lay there I used to think what uninspired decorations sheets and pillow cases make. It wasn’t until I was about twenty that I realized that they actually served a practical purpose, and this revelation of human dullness stirred dark depression in me.

It drove me indeed to the brink of lunacy. I wonder if I have actually been happy. People have told me, really more times than I can remember, ever since I was a small boy, how lucky I was, but I have always felt as if I were suffering in hell. It has seemed to me in fact that those who called me lucky were incomparably more fortunate than I.

I simply don’t understand. I have not the remotest clue what the nature or extent of my neighbor’s woes can be. Practical troubles, griefs that can be assuaged if only there is enough to eat—these may be the most intense of all burning hells, horrible enough to blast to smithereens my ten misfortunes, but that is precisely what I don’t understand: if my neighbors manage to survive without killing themselves, without going mad, maintaining an interest in political parties, not yielding to despair, resolutely pursuing the fight for existence, can their griefs really be genuine?

If that is the case, their sufferings should be easy to bear: they are the common lot of human beings and perhaps the best one can hope for. I don’t know ... If you’ve slept soundly at night the morning is exhilarating, I suppose. What kind of dreams do they have? What do they think about when they walk along the street?

[. . .]

The more I think of it, the less I understand. All I feel are the assaults of apprehension and terror at the thought that I am the only one who is entirely unlike the rest. It is almost impossible for me to converse with other people. What should I talk about, how should I say it?—I don’t know.

This was how I happened to invent my clowning. It was the last quest for love I was to direct at human beings. Although I had a mortal dread of human beings I seemed quite unable to renounce their society.

I managed to maintain on the surface a smile which never deserted my lips; this was the accommodation I offered to others, a most precarious achievement performed by me only at the cost of excruciating efforts within.

Again, I never once answered back anything said to me by my family. The least word of reproof struck me with the force of a thunderbolt and drove me almost out of my head. Answer back! Far from it, I felt convinced that their reprimands were without doubt voices of human truth speaking to me from eternities past; I was obsessed with the idea that since I lacked the strength to act in accordance with this truth, I might already have been disqualified from living among human beings.

I thought, “As long as I can make them laugh, it doesn’t matter how, I’ll be all right. If I succeed in that, the human beings probably won’t mind it too much if I remain outside their lives. The one thing I must avoid is becoming offensive in their eyes: I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky.”

Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer “Nothing.” The thought went through my mind that it didn’t make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.

At the same time I was congenitally unable to refuse anything offered to me by another person, no matter how little it might suit my tastes. When I hated something, I could not pronounce the words, “I don’t like it.” When I liked something I tasted it hesitantly, furtively, as though it were extremely bitter.

I acquired my reputation at school less because I was the son of a rich family than because, in the vulgar parlance, I had “brains.”

I had succeeded in escaping from being respected. My report card was all A’s except for deportment, where it was never better than a C or a D. This too was a source of great amusement to my family.

Already by that time I had been taught a lamentable thing by the maids and menservants; I was being corrupted. I now think that to perpetrate such a thing on a small child is the ugliest, vilest, cruelest crime a human being can commit. But I endured it. I even felt as if it enabled me to see one more particular aspect of human beings.

I smiled in my weakness. If I had formed the habit of telling the truth I might perhaps have been able to confide unabashedly to my father or mother about the crime, but I could not fully understand even my own parents. To appeal for help to any human being—I could expect nothing from that expedient. Supposing I complained to my father or my mother, or to the police, the government—I wondered if in the end I would not be argued into silence by someone in good graces with the world, by the excuses of which the world approved.

It is only too obvious that favoritism inevitably exists: it would have been useless to complain to human beings. So I said nothing of the truth. I felt I had no choice but to endure whatever came my way and go on playing the clown.

I also have the impression that many women have been able, instinctively, to sniff out this loneliness of mine, which I confided to no one, and this in later years was to become one of the causes of my being taken advantage of in so many ways. Women found in me a man who could keep a love secret.

The ensuing days were imprinted with my anxiety and dread. I continued on the surface making everybody laugh with my miserable clowning, but now and then painful sighs escaped my lips. Whatever I did Takeichi would see through it, and I was sure he would soon start spreading the word to everyone he saw.

If it were possible, I felt, I would like to keep a twenty-four hours a day surveillance over Takeichi, never stirring from him, morning, noon or night, to make sure that he did not divulge the secret. I brooded over what I should do: I would devote the hours spent with him to persuading him that my antics were not “on purpose” but the genuine article; if things went well I would like to become his inseparable friend; but if this proved utterly impossible, I had no choice but to pray for his death. Typically enough, the one thing that never occurred to me was to kill him.

During the course of my life I have wished innumerable times that I might meet with a violent death, but I have never once desired to kill anybody. I thought that in killing a dreaded adversary I might actually be bringing him happiness.

Even Takeichi seemed not to be aware of the hypocrisy, the scheming, behind my actions. Far from it—his comment as he lay there with his head pillowed in my lap was, “I’ll bet lots of women will fall for you!”—It was his illiterate approximation of a compliment.

I have always found the female of the human species many times more difficult to understand than the male. In my immediate family women outnumbered the men, and many of my cousins were girls. There was also the maidservant of the “crime.” I think it would be no exaggeration to say that my only playmates while I was growing up were girls.

Nevertheless, it was with very much the sensation of treading on thin ice that I associated with these girls. I could almost never guess their motives. I was in the dark; at times I made indiscreet mistakes which brought me painful wounds.

Women led me on only to throw me aside; they mocked and tortured me when others were around, only to embrace me with passion as soon as everyone had left. Women sleep so soundly they seem to be dead. Who knows? Women may live in order to sleep.

[. . .]

These and various other generalizations were products of an observation of women since boyhood days, but my conclusion was that though women appear to belong to the same species as man, they are actually quite different creatures, and these incomprehensible, insidious beings have, fantastic as it seems, always looked after me.

The pictures I drew were so heart-rending as to stupefy even myself. Here was the true self I had so desperately hidden. I had smiled cheerfully; I had made others laugh; but this was the harrowing reality. I secretly affirmed this self, was sure that there was no escape from it, but naturally I did not show my pictures to anyone except Takeichi.

[. . .]

On the other hand, I was equally afraid that they might not recognize my true self when they saw it, but imagine that it was just some new twist to my clowning—occasion for additional snickers. This would have been most painful of all. I therefore hid the pictures in the back of my cupboard.

I soon came to understand that drink, tobacco and prostitutes were all excellent means of dissipating (even for a few moments) my dread of human beings. I came even to feel that if I had to sell every last possession to obtain these means of escape, it would be well worth it.

(At this point Kindle got mad at me for copying and pasting too many excerpts to a friend (I wonder why!!) and so I stopped doing it, there was only one other thing I wanted to share enough to type it out myself:)

[. . .] I knew that the facts were certain to be discovered, but I was afraid to state them as they were. One of my tragic flaws is the compulsion to add some sort of embellishment to every situation - a quality which has made people call me at times a liar - but I have almost never embellished in order to bring myself any advantage; it was rather that I had a strangulating fear of that cataclysmic change in the atmosphere the instant the flow of a conversation flagged, and even when I knew that it would later turn to my disadvantage, I frequently felt obliged to add, almost inadvertently, my word of embellishment, out of a desire to please born of my usual desperate mania for service. This may have been a twisted form of my weakness, an idiocy, but the habit it engendered was taken full advantage of by the so-called honest citizens of the world.

Some final notes:

Dazai (the author) writes with a lot of character, and he tends to have characters who echo a specific miserable perspective on life which is widely believed to be informed by Dazai’s own thoughts. However, they are different characters. Naoji speaks of playing the clown out of genuine love and Yozo persistently is completely dispassionate about just about everyone in his life, even the people he behaves in loving ways towards.

Dazai (the character) is certainly going to be his own as well, since he does and acts in many ways unlike either character. For one, while Dazai acts the buffoon he deliberately does it to antagonize, which is a complete 180 from Yozo’s motivations and how he is perceived by just about everyone. Making people constantly irritated at him would have sent Yozo into a regular state of panic.

But there is certainly A Perspective here, which I think is hugely influential in how Asagiri portrays Dazai and also probably very #relatable to a great many people.

I know it seems like I quoted a lot but there is also plenty more where that came from, so if you found it interesting, please read the novels!

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #dazai osamu #no longer human #the setting sun #op me

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spockandawe · 8 years ago

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So you’ve heard Spock is the actual literal devil

Have you heard that I’m a terrible person? A plagiarist? Have you been told that I’m only into transformers at all because I wanted to make this one random guy unhappy? If you’ve been told that, you’ve probably also been told that a year and a half later, I’m still making fanworks just to upset him. You might have even heard that shhhh, don’t disagree with Spock on anything, or they’ll hunt you down and harass you.

Right, okay. This is one hell of a saga that I will attempt to tell in as compressed a form as possible. It’s a lot. Years ago, back in HS, there was this one guy who policed the hell out of one of the character tags. I’m going to call him C. He’d pressure people not to make the content they were making, decry the hateful people reading with a malicious eye who thought the character would ever do anything bad (the character was a creep). And because being obnoxious wasn’t bad enough, if you didn’t cave to his demands, he just might do things like start whisper campaigns about how you support rape, casually out you as a survivor, cute little things like that.

This is not a story about that guy.

This is a story about C’s one-time attack dog, eventual boyfriend, and current ex. We’ll go ahead and call him R. I’ve tried real hard to avoid namedropping on my blog before, but could people find him from this? Probably. Have I stopped caring? Absolutely.

TL;DR, unsubstantiated accusations of serial harassment are a little questionable when they’re coming from someone with a years-long, extensively documented history of serial harassment and a personal grudge against me.

Cut for length.

Edit 7/2/2017: R has posted that he regrets making these posts about me, and admits that he said things that were out of line. And he’s stated that he’s going to try to do better in the future. I genuinely, truly appreciate that. I’m leaving this post up because there have been lies about me floating around for a while and I reserve the right to defend myself, but I really do appreciate that.

Oh balls, none of this makes sense without backstory (I’m so sorry)

If you think I suck or my work sucks, that’s fine! You do you, go enjoy the things that make you happy.

If you think I’m the devil because this one guy told you about my evil, evil past and all my terrible misdeeds, without anything at all to back up his words? You can ask me. I don’t bite, and oh lordy do I have receipts.

To be clear, R is totally allowed to hate me! I don't care. I don't care if he hates my writing, I don't care if he hates me as a person. But now he's escalated to spreading lies about me, and people are believing him, and I’m not enough of a doormat to let that just stand.

And I’m going to cheat a little. Here’s a memo with the cliffs notes version (not the original memo, I made a copy with C’s urls cropped out since he hasn’t attacked anyone in a long while). Warning, digging any distance into this turns up violent fantasies, violent sexual fantasies, creepy interactions with a minor, and lots more, it’s all really, really unpleasant. Evidence is thoroughly documented, please tread with care.

You would not believe how truncated that is compared to the reality.

Now, the worst of this came via C. Who has calmed down a lot these days, and I’m really happy that’s the case. Good for him. I hope his life continues in a direction where he doesn’t find it necessary to do this stuff.

Lucky for me, R was standing by to pick up the slack.

It doesn’t show up as much in the memo, which is mostly C-focused, but R was standing by C this whole time, defending his right to spread around private information about someone’s abuse history, sending nasty messages on the other guy’s behalf, and much,much more. it’s long, it’s awful, it’s unpleasant. R personally hurt people in some significant ways that I don’t want to link directly, for their sake. He expressed deep remorse a few times, but it never stuck.

Here’s my personal favorite quote from R. He’s speaking to the CSA survivor that C casually outed (with information given to him in confidence), and who they’d been running a long, long whisper campaign against, and who was understandably a bit upset over the whole thing:

oh go wank to your own tears [name]

#and get your sympathizers to help #nasty fucking people #maybe if you cry enough youll be able to go into second grade in the fall #ooc

Said, again, to a CSA survivor they outed and harassed. That person is such a sweetheart, and this screencap still infuriates me.

The first time I saw C pick a fight he had lots of friends. Shockingly, as he did things like loudly fantasize about how he wants to mutilate people and rant about how autistic people should die, those friends mostly drifted away. I know one person had a friend even help them stage a faux relationship-ending fight, so they could be sure they’d be able to completely cut and run from C. R stuck with him, though. Eventually they even started dating.

‘Spock followed R into transformers to harass him and stalks his favorite characters just to harass him more’

Then, transformers. Here, let me show you the first post (by R) that ever brought MTMTE to my attention. I spent years being aggressively uninterested in transformers, but this caught my eye

and honestly, ppl (adults too!!!) shipping someone who has the mentality of a child and is quite glaringly lacking a world of experiences and general understanding of things outside of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, with an adult, is just. very alarming and gross to me.

and honestly, the fact that there is a large portion of people who want him to become romantically (and sexually!!!) involved with either one of two fucking adults in canon, and hell, esp those defending it with ‘hes an adult too tho!!’ is really gross.

you can pretend all you want that hes ‘an adult’ because his body is, but theres no way jro didnt intent to code him as a child. stop fetishizing children lmao,

#pedophilia -/-/- #cygate -/-/- #if someone comes at me screaming ‘rule 38′ im gonna shove them in a locker

I didn’t know transformers, but I was pretty sure this was some straight-up bullshit.

(but don’t worry, he ships it now! no hypocrisy here, no sir)

It’s “really gross” to ship this adult with other adults. Mm. Given the reasonableness of the claims these guys have made in the past, and given their extensive history of harassing people over those claims, I hopped to the wiki to check it out. I read a bit about the comic and the plot, and all of it sounded so fascinating that I just had to give the comic a try.

Reader, I married it.

I shotgunned MTMTE 1-47 in two days, started doing fanworks right out of the gate, and I’ve never looked back. A lot of my art was cygate, because come on, the comic wants you to ship it so bad, my first readthrough ended with issue 47, and that was the first ship I’d ever read about for the series, even before I dove in.

Now, both these characters punch me right in the heart, in some painfully personal ways. Tailgate’s the more relevant one here, but I don’t even know if I could do justice to the emotions both of them give me.

I’m still not a fan of how R’s lies about me have edged me into needing to say this in public, but okay. I’m developmentally delayed. It’s been a rough ride. And Tailgate hits me in some of those spots so hard it just takes my breath away. I’ve got a lot of baggage over not being a real adult, and not in the funny oh-no-how-do-taxes-work way, more like an extended months-long meltdown my first year of college because I can tell that my friends are years ahead of me and I don’t know how to even start catching up, and just existing, as myself, is humiliating.

All of my relationship milestones have come painfully, painfully late. The whole thing is still one awful emotional bruise. I hate it, and I hate how easy it is to convince myself that yeah, of course you don’t actually deserve to be treated as an adult and you never will. Just look at you. So then it is unbelievably important to me that I can see someone someone who is like me, being treated as a legitimate adult, and being able to have an adult relationship.

Hearing that shipping someone like me is essentially pedophilia is the opposite of that.

But he ships it now, so everything is fine :)

Yeah, you know what? Another fucking receipt.

uGHGH im so tired of all the rabid cy// /gat// //e fans like even cy’s giving em a look like ‘leave my fucking child alone’

#i just #im hoping jro has some taste tho and doesnt make an adult date a child #and if not im hoping the outcome blows over soon bc im so tired of seeing people defend pedophilia #pedophilia -/-/-

Parental.

This continued even after JRO explicitly confirmed Tailgate was an adult.

Bonus ableism: shipping Whirl (another character who hits me way too hard) isn’t okay either. Even though there isn’t the excuse of ‘but he only lived three years--’ No, at that point, you’re saying that an adult who fails to adult correctly does not count, and isn’t allowed to have romantic relationships. It makes my skin crawl, and it is an issue which is very personally and directly important to me.

So some of my cygate was porn from the start (it’s what I write. it’s what I draw.), and some of the porn was made because I was upset over discourse that says someone like me needs to be treated as a child. I played with cywhirlgate too, because omg how could I not, and some of that was porn as well. It was ages ago, so I don’t remember the details for every little thing I made. But when I saw someone saying that Cyclonus and Tailgate had a parental relationship, I’m sure that helped nudge me in that direction. Maybe R thinks I should have channeled my emotions by starting a whisper campaign to exclude him from fandom spaces. But I think my way of working through bad emotions might have been a little healthier than that.

So when R accuses me of making cygate content to spite him? Half true. Just true enough to be real fucking dishonest. R spent a nice long time insisting that cygate was pedophilia. I channeled my outrage over that ableism into fan creations.

I didn’t attack him. I talked about him some – on a private forum, with people who’d already been aware of him and had been watching him and C hurt people for years, plural. I haven’t told people on tumblr any real details about him until now. And R still is happy to talk about how it was his toxic ex’s right to post torture/rape/murder porn vent fic about actual people.

Tell me, how exactly am I in the wrong?

Bonus pettiness: I posted some cywhirlgate porn. The next day, R vaguely whined about robot pedophilia and turned around and wrote some obviously-a-response cywhirlgate. Where it was super platonic and the text explicitly said it was super platonic and it even had platonic thigh nuzzling. With two “children” involved. Of course I turned around and wrote more fic of my own, because jesus h christ that made my skin crawl. You want to play this game? I guarantee I can write faster than you, let’s do this. (he did not follow through on that)

I’d also like to say that forgetting inconvenient little details like this is a thing with R. Hard to call me terrible for writing spitefic when you write it yourself.

A history of Spock’s personal involvement

Let’s backtrack a tiny bit. You may notice I am up to my elbows in this nonsense for no clear reason.

I was friends with some of the people C was taking shots at, and I was unfortunate enough to believe his original smear campaign about that one artist (I’m still ashamed about that). I cared about a number of people C was trying to hurt. I think one or two fanworks of mine upset him, but he already had loads of targets. I kept tabs on him and R, because anxiety is the gift that just keeps giving.

Eventually, C fantasized about wanting to put my former datemate’s hand through a meat grinder (ey wrote a fic that portrayed his fave in a negative light). And R defended his right to do that.

The person he posted about is still feeling the effects of that incident. I’m still feeling the effects of that. And it wasn’t even directed at me, just someone I care deeply about.

R has recently posted that ‘oh my goodness, C sure was awful, remember when he posted this thing about a meat grinder and how unreasonable it was?’ Thanks buddy, glad you noticed, now just go ahead and keep on blaming me for the aftereffects of what your boyfriend did, and what you defended.

After that, it was months before I could properly look away from either of their blogs.

C posted extensively about trying to track down the street address of his ~enemies~ (including the one whose genitals he fantasized about mutilating). He posted about how autistics should die. He had skype chats about wanting to do amateur brain surgery on people. All while posting very often about finding real addresses.

Yeah, it’s more than a year later, and every so often I get a stab of anxiety and have to head off to double check on what these two are up to.

I will repeat that C has been pretty chill lately. He’s got a career he’s aiming for. Good for him, go find success, please don’t slip back into being an internet bully. It’s sad and upsetting to see R echoing some of the early patterns of his ex, and it’s so strange to see me labeled as his own personal enemy.

‘Spock will totally come harass you too’ and/or various accusations of ableism

So there are some things I did in the mix in this history that I regret. Occasionally, I went out and flipped through the blogs of C and R’s friends, seeing if maybe they’d had said something in their notes, did they have any vagueblogs C liked, did they post about— It got unreasonable. I admit that. Anxiety was at the root of it, but it absolutely got unreasonable. And also it is a massive time sink, and I can’t remember the last time I bothered with it. I enjoy life much more when anxiety and paranoia issues don’t have their claws in me. This hasn’t been an issue in a very long time.

I came down hard on some of the kinfeels and system stuff too, which I do walk back a bit. C’s approach was… hahaha. It was something. And he was my intro to the kin and system paradigms. I saw R talking about C’s approach being unreasonable too, pretty recently. So that was an unfortunate bit of poison in how I processed the next people I met who did that sort of thing. I don’t do kin stuff, but I get it. And DID may not strictly apply to all systems, by the formal diagnostic criteria, but I’ve learned there are plenty of other dissociative disorders out there. And I met people who were multiples and who did kin things that weren’t these two guys. Which helped a LOT.

But the big one, hmmm. C wrote a fic. The idea was interesting, but the execution frustrated me. Everyone but the main lead felt so… flat. Everyone was constantly cruel to the main, for no reason. I saw a way to riff on the original text while staying true to its shape, and writing my bad emotions out is also a major, major thing I do to cope. Now, my big thing is that I should have asked before I remixed. I’d been thinking in terms of, y’know, transformative fanworks. Even with authors like Anne McCaffrey and Anne Rice, who fought against fandom, people have still felt that it should be allowed, even against their wishes. So I wrote the remix. I gave full credit on ao3 in the ‘inspired by’ box, linked to the original with positive words, the whole shebang.

The guy was still furious, and… that’s fair. I thought I’d written a thing on self-sabotage that was pretty sympathetic and compelling, and the self-sabotage actually drew a lot on my own personal history. But I gave the main flaws he strongly disagreed with, and I didn’t ask for permission. I get why he was/is angry over it.

I’ve been a fixture on their shitlists ever since :P

It’s remarkable, even while R posts now about ‘oh my god, remember how C wrote the creepiest things?’, I’m still the one who’s the the actual worst, for being skeeved out by the creepy things and finding a constructive way to deal with it. R’s controlling ex gets full freedom when it comes to vent fic, even when it’s about wallowing in torturing, raping, and murdering an avatar for a real person (the original one they harassed!), or punching someone in the face until they agree to be your friend (another artist these guys targeted). But R’s position seems to be that only C is allowed to vent (even if it’s genital mutilation fantasies), and I’m definitely not.

Oh, and R has now expanded this remix into me totally having a consistent pattern of stealing ideas and plagiarism and so many remixes that are obviously done as revenge on anyone who pisses me off. So that’s nice.

So R hates your writing. Is that seriously why this post exists?

Ha, no. Let’s look at the concrete things R is saying. Here, let me post a little sampling of evidence.

These aren’t just things he’s shouting into the void, people have responded saying wow, I never knew that! These are lies that people are believing about me. And then yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to disagree with my meta, or I’d come harass them. A friend I’m aggressively leaving out of this, just as I’m leaving out other responses, because these people don’t deserve to be dragged into R’s bullshit.

Let’s have bullet points. Some of these are the silly spock-is-bad-at-writing complaints. Those are here because this whole mess is pretty fucking depressing and the ridiculous claims make me laugh, but these are all things he says.

Spock is evil – You know what, he’s not calling people pedophiles, which is a step up. I’ll take it.

Spock is a plagiarist – I remixed one fic with full credit, said only good things about the original, and linked to it in extra places so that people would have extra opportunities to click through and check it out. I arguably remixed inappropriately, but that’s not the same thing. Words have definitions. If I’m a plagiarist, so is everyone who’s ever written a fanfic.

Spock is something something mean when people disagree – I don’t even know, man. I’m actually shockingly conflict-averse. Is this because I make walls of text and explain why I hold opinions at great length? I enjoy talking about a thing I love. I’m autistic, I’m hyperverbal, and this is my special interest, so is it that I talk a lot? That’s the best I can do. I’ve talked about things I disagree with on a private forum, in which case mister pot has had a lot of fun in public on twitter, not only talking shit, but also spreading outright untruths. Maybe he wants to rethink this one.

Spock will come harass you if you disagree – You need to back the heck down, pal.

Spock’s meta/fic/characterization is bad and they should feel bad – Hahaha, fite me. He won’t, because I can articulately defend myself at significant length, and his criticisms seem to stop at ‘spock sucks’, but hey.

Spock used ableist language about Whirl - I... what? This one confuses me and makes me laugh so it stays here. Also, holy double standards, batman.

Spock is only into transformers to harass R – I checked out transformers because I was pretty sure R was being disgustingly ableist (he was). I stayed in transformers because I adore it. I had to adore it a lot to make me willing to share fandom space with these two. My god, I have better things to do with my life than spend all my time on something that bores me just to annoy one asshole on the other side of the internet. I’d ask if he thinks I spent dozens of painstaking hours cross-stitching Starscream just to bother him, but….. yep, pretty sure he does.

Spock goes after all of R’s favorite characters to upset him – R latches on to just about every interesting and/or sympathetic character that shows up. When he was dating C, they covered most of the cast between them. I don’t care who R likes best because I don’t agree with his opinions. I tend to stay away from his opinions because I don’t like reading things that bother me. This is asnine. I’m only allowed to like the characters R despises, I guess.

Spock makes fanworks for things R likes just to make him see them – Oh my god, I don’t caaaaaare. I write about things that interest me, unless I’m venting. Say, venting about the way R and his ex have deliberately hurt a shockingly high number of people I care about. ‘Spock made rodistar because I liked it--’ I made it because I wrote a thing about their parallels, and shipping was the obvious next step. R isn’t that important to me. Promise.

This is just exhausting, man. The anxiety bugs had been dying down, and it had been ages since I checked out this guy’s anything. C, who drove the whole initial blowup that led to this, has been quiet and chill on tumblr. But R has learned from his ex’s old example and has been having fun spreading lies about me.

In conclusion

Some fun history.

R was 18 when he told a CSA survivor upset about being outed and harassed to wank using their tears for lube.

He was older than that when he defended C’s right to post about wanting to mutilate someone’s genitals (for the crime of saying C’s logic didn’t make sense).

He was older than that when he complained about that person’s spouse being ‘vicious’ for reacting badly to C’s genital mutilation fantasy.

He was older than that when he nodded along as C called autistic people retards and said they should die.

He was older than that when he talked about being happy that someone he disliked was triggered, and nodded along when C fantasized about that person drinking bleach.

And he was older than that when he defended C, his twenty-something boyfriend, against the thirteen-year-old that C had been having incredibly inappropriate conversations with, despite skype log proof and everything.

And despite all this, I’m still the bad guy, because I didn’t think what they were doing was okay. I’m the bad guy for being upset by C's actions, even though... R is now upset by C’s actions. The ways I responded to C were inexcusable. My only motivation is to hurt people. Every thing I did that ever upset them still means I’m terrible, even though R is saying this while he’s busy posting about how awful C is. And this all means that he needs to warn his friends not to catch my attention, or I’ll come harass them.

So, I’m tired.

I’m very tired.

I’m glad he’s trying to grow past that history. Good. Maybe he can do that without making up a story about how I’m unrepentant villain who lives for villainy and who only takes joy in causing him pain. I’m sure it helps him, because it’s a story that brushes aside the shit he did that he regrets, and makes his past less painful to think about. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with him telling lies about me.

I don’t know why I’m the one boogeyman he has left (I kid, it’s because I’m in transformers, and because he thinks I’m popular. he harps on it a lot, and it’s weird for everyone). I mean, whatever. I’ve aggressively avoided publishing drama details on here for a very long time. But there are two blog tags, miscellaneous other untagged blog content, three forum threads, and hundreds of pages of skype logs with hard evidence of this bullshit.

I’m pretty sure that if he tries to defend himself, one, he’ll place some blame on his ex. That’s fair. C was pretty darn controlling and demanding. But R is still absolutely responsible for his own actions, and is especially responsible for the harm he personally caused. He’ll talk about how it’s bullshit to pull up all these receipts from so very long ago. In that case, his receipts for me (whatever he even has) are equally old, so aren’t they null and void? No, because Spock is the devil. And it’s not so much bullshit if he’s clearly learned nothing, and has gone back to spreading outright falsehoods about people.

To be clear, a lot of the lies he told about me were told a while back. Weeks to a few months to a year. I was letting it sit, because I’d really, really hoped this was over. Yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to publicly disagree with my meta or I’d come and harass them.

It’s been three years since I first saw him doing this. I’ve watched him hurt a lot of people, and I’ve watched him admit, multiple times, that he has hurt people. I thought he’d learned to stop following these toxic patterns. Apparently he has not.

Edit 7/2/2017: To repeat the edit up above, R has said he regrets posting these things about me, and that he's going to try to avoid slipping into this in the future. I very much appreciate that.

#drama tag #abusaa tag #tw: all #i can't list them all it's too many #just tread with care

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mlpandminecraftgirl1 · 8 years ago

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My Thoughts on the New Steven Bomb (WARNING: SPOILERS)

WELL THEN

I’ve finished watching the new Steven Universe episodes (not JUST finished watching, mind you. I watched them about a week ago) and I thought, with all of this time on my hands, I’d share what I thought about it.

And what I’ve got say is: - WHAT?! and - DOUBLE WHAT?!

(WARNING: These next sections concern the new Steven Bomb and will most definitely contain spoilers. I was unfortunate enough to have the new characters spoiled for me via Instagram (and my impatient non-suspense-wanting self looked at the plots on the wiki before watching the episode on YouTube because I couldn’t watch them on my TV, long story) but I am aware that some people excel at being spoiler-free (whoever you are, you’re very lucky) and I can not and will not be held responsible for anyone who ends up have the Steven Bomb spoiled for them. I apologize in advance).

Ok, so the plot of the first episode (“Doug Out”) starts out simple enough: A simple “filler” episode where Steven and Connie hang out with Connie’s dad while he’s on a stake-out. A very cute episode that I personally enjoyed and one that I know a lot of the fandom wanted after seeing the events of “Nightmare Hospital” unfold. (Also, I’d like to point out that Doug already seemed to know about Connie taking up sword-fighting and all of that at this point, so I’m guessing they already told him, which I thought was a very nice personal touch by the Crewniverse, seeing how this took away the stress of revealing this stuff to him). I also liked how he seemed genuinely O.K. with it and how he seemed more comfortable and friendly around Steven than Connie’s mom was. And of course, the bit at the end with the new gem silhouettes sent me for a loop. It was some good quality filler if I ever saw any, and I have.

The second episode, “Are You My Dad?” (I’m covering “The Good Lars”, along with “Stuck Together” as a whole because I have a lot to say about it.) was a very clever concoction of plot points and drama. We get a throwback to a VERY old episode (A very clever throwback, I might add) and we get to see two new gems: Aquamarine and Topaz.

Aquamarine is….well, she seems to be a very interesting character. It’s very interesting to see a character who is actually villainous and doesn’t also have any emotional problems like Jasper or Blue Diamond. (Inner me: You forgot about Eyeball. She’s villainous and she’s unemotional, sorta. Real me: Shut up, me).

Not that I don’t think that you can’t have real emotions and still be a villain. It’s just that I felt like the Diamonds got a little bit of hate from the fandom because they weren’t really what the fandom expected, which were intergalactic tyrants (Connie’s words, not mine). Granted, they were pretty mean-looking and they seemed pretty evil, but they were really just big ladies with insecurities for days. Jasper was the same way. She was an interesting antagonist and character but it turned out to be her insecurities that were her downfall. Appropriate concept, but a little cliché, you know? There’s a way for character to be developed without touching on sensitive emotion-y bits. So it was nice to meet a gem like Aquamarine. Her voice actor fits her perfectly and I hope to see more of her.

As for Topaz, I have just three words to say about her (breathes):

I. LOVE. HER.

Not just because of her quality voice acting, which is so cool, because her voice is so unexpected for her character yet it FITS SO WELL. It’s like how Kevin Hart and Thomas Middleditch are voicing George and Harold for the Captain Underpants movie (which I am very excited about. I’ve read all of the books at least once, except for the last two). Kevin and Thomas make George and Harold sound older than elementary kids, but they tackle it so well, I can’t imagine anyone else voicing them.

No, the reason I love this character is because I relate to her SO. FLIPPING. MUCH. Particularly, this line:

Topaz: They’re always sending me on these miserable missions. I’m always pretending that I’m fine with it. I have to pretend I’m fine.

And this is one of the relatable things I’ve heard on this show so far. If there’s one thing this show has taught me, is that it’s ok to feel bad about something. It’s ok to be sad or angry about something you can’t control, and yes, there are people out there who have these problems who like to pretend they’re fine. Most people think that this is the person’s own choice, but some people (bless their hearts) they don’t HAVE a choice. Some people know that it’s better to just hide it than to drag people down with them or to have to justify it or to keep it from slowing them down. It’s not healthy or wise to pretend you’re fine when you’re not, but most people do it because they don’t really have a second choice on what to do most of the time.

And I should know. I am (or at least, used to be) one of those people.

Anyway, I can’t wait to see more development on these new gems!

Now, for the main event…..

The Lars episodes.

“The Good Lars” and “Stuck Together” were, in my opinion, some pretty good episodes, mostly because of the Lars character development (that’s not the only reason I liked them, of course). I mean, we get to see these new sides of Lars, which show that he loves baking (which is awesome) and that, just like everyone else, he’s scared of what people think of him.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. You see, I’ve been hearing rumors (and seen fan art) that suggest that Steven and Lars are gonna fuse. Now, none of my friends really watch Steven Universe, but if any of them did, I’m sure they would’ve asked me “Do you think that Steven and Lars are going to fuse?” And my answer to that is: yes and no.

You see, I don’t exactly know what level a relationship has to be on in order for two beings to be able to fuse, but I’m guessing it has to be pretty high. I mean, Connie and Steven are the best of friends (“Alone Together”), Steven and Amethyst had a pretty strong relationship already (“Earthlings”), the Rubies were a pretty strong team (“Hit the Diamond”), Pearl and Amethyst are a good team (“Giant Woman”), and Garnet is….well, Garnet (“every episode ever”). I know that consent has to play a role, too, given the circumstances with Malachite. (I’m not going to mention Jasper’s fusion with the corrupted gem, because, as sad as it is, that gem wasn’t in its right mind to give consent at that moment, so it doesn’t apply).

Also, since Steven can fuse with Connie, a human, it’s a good guess that he can fuse with other humans as well.

So why Lars?

You don’t really need to watch every episode with Lars and Steven together to see that Lars can be a bit of a jerk, especially to Steven, but we know that Lars is just covering up the fact that he’s insecure (Inner me: just like everyone else on this show. Real me: Me, what did I just say? I said shut up), but I can’t help noticing that we’re getting a lot of character developments with Lars, and since I don’t think it would make sense to have all of this development without something big happening (and no, I don’t think he’s going to die, despite what they’re saying on Instagram), then it is definitely a possibility for a fusion to take place. Maybe we’ll end up getting a “defining moment” for their relationship like we got in “Earthlings” during this bomb.

On the other hand, the reason I say no is because of something I’ve noticed in the show, but something I’ve noticed in general, and I’m pretty sure that fandom has noticed it, to

No disrespect to the Crewniverse, but when it comes to giving people what they want, they can be a little late on their delivery.

Now, I know what that this isn’t their fault, but let’s be honest, they’ve made it a habit of raising fan’s hopes, and then shattering them. I mean, people have been asking for a Lapis/Peridot fusion for Lord knows how long, and don’t even get me started on the hate I saw on Instagram about “Rocknaldo”. I’m not trying to be disrespectful or trying to question their methods of storytelling, but if there’s one thing that this show has taught me, it’s that when expecting something big to happen, one shouldn’t hold their breath.

Like I said, I’m not saying a fusion between Steven and Lars is impossible. After all, another thing this show has taught me is to expect the unexpected. No one expected Steven and Connie to fuse, and look at them now.

Also, in Rebecca Sugar's defense, she may not give us what we want, but she gives us what we need. Anyway, that's all I have to say about this bomb so far. I can't wait for the next new episodes, because I'm sure they're going to be mind-blowing, and thank y'all for listening to my VERY LONG post about what I thought. Please like and reblog if you want me to keep on posting stuff like this and I will see you guys later! Adios!

#steven universe #su garnet #su amythest #su pearl #su peridot #su lazuli #su jasper #su lars #su connie #su topaz #su aquamarine #su thoughts

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survivorpacificislandallstars · 8 years ago

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Ep. 1 - “Have I ever seen anything that messy? Yes” - Madison (Pt. 2)

The fact that I have Jordan Pines on my tribe is a blessing because that's one person that I genuinely trust not to betray me. Going to tribal sucks, and there's no denying that. But everyone seems to be mostly on board with Isaac and all I can do is trust and hope that they're telling the truth.

So like I came back from hell to a tribe of people I have never talked to. The only two i know are Mitch and Samantha the rest it has just been seeing them around the community. I can't believe im going from being rocked to being first boot what a journey. Even if I'm first boot i hope my tribe slays and someone on the tribe wins. http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor-org/images/e/ec/F1bt6z.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150319025301

Welcome to All-stars! I'm glad I could be cast and be considered an all-star, AND be considered someone who slays challenges! Thanks to Monto and Allisno for giving me a title that will essentially make me indestructible during the tribal phase. Merge? I'll be 60 by then so it'll be okay. I'm glad to be part of this season, which will end up pretty crazy, I'm sure. Casting 32 people? Were those all of your applicants guys? Because what the hell. So this game started during band, so I don't have any idea who everyone is yet. This requires research and Monto won't update the wiki with the cast. All I know is I have the Hoshi (Yoshi) tribe, and our color is dark teal. The first challenge? Flag making. Did I help at all? No. Did Katie do literally all of the work on the flag and I felt bad about giving input because she had already blazed through 70% of the flag while I was unconscious? Yep. I had no part in that flagmaking challenge and I think my input would've been appreciated. Gif flags aren't fun. But since Katie has won flag challenges, I'm just gonna shutup and let her do her thing. We lost because it wasn't starry enough. Whatever. It was a good flag and I enjoyed it. Unfortunately we have to go to tribal, along with another tribe. I've been making decent social connections with everyone, and I'm sure my status as a challenge whore will keep me safe. Right now it's looking like Jordan's going to be the one to go, because he hasn't talked with anyone, and the first message I got from him was an hour ago asking where the vote was. So... he can be swept under the rug for all I care. Here's a tribe assessment: Sara - A sweet girl. We've been in VLs and mass chats together but we don't really know each other, so I think the game will get us familiar with one another. I can see myself working with her. Sam - Sociable and pretty friendly. She's hosting Westeros with Stevie, so that's a connection I'll have my eye on. Otherwise she seems chill and she seems like someone who I could work with. Katie - She's quiet a fair amount of the time, she did our flag so that guarantees her safety basically. I know she's a hard worker but I don't feel a swell personal connection with her, so I'd vote her out if I felt the need. Chrissa - She's pretty awkward socially, from what I've seen in other VLs and stuff. But she's a good person, and I think the sort of neurotic Hannah attitude could keep us together. I can see myself in an alliance with her because I feel like she'd agree to it and stay loyal so easily. Charlotte - Let me just say that Charlotte didn't deserve what she got in Niue because she is the sweetest person so far. I feel like her and I could become really close because she's pretty new to the scene, and I'd like to help her learn the ropes. I just hope that doesn't play against her because she's not as aware as the rest of us are. As far as I know I'll protect her if I need to. Steffen - Steffen and I have a mixed relationship. I think Steffen is an ok guy, and he's pretty chill a lot of the time. In Hawaii I wrecked his ass and lied to his face and he seemed pretty bitter about it for a while, so I'm hoping that doesn't come back to bite me. I think we could work together since we've put it aside, but you never know with these people. Jordan - I rocked him out in Hawaii, and I don't ever really know what he's thinking? He never says much... at all... So I can't exactly hold a conversation with him. Everyone else on the tribe says they haven't even heard from him, so I think it's fine if we take him out...

THE FLAG WAS UGLY, I KNOW, I'M SORRY, THERE'S NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT I mean there were several things I could have done about it but I did not do any of them so um..........there was nothing I could do. I'm CHOKING that Jordan Pines and Jay are on my tribe, I hope that means I'm okay this week? I don't think I'm okay this week, I think I'm going home first and I'm going to be 32nd boot and I'm going to have to actually actively hope that a season with 32 people also has a redemption island twist. Which realistically might not be too far off since we're going season by season and both Izu and Rakiura brought people back from the dead. But whatever. As "penalty" for putting in the most effort, I got sent to Exile, got an extra vote for later, and then came back and everyone was just like "Oh yeah, the vote is Isaac, we're all good, it's Isaac, no one has really come up with chats, it's just Isaac, group decision, vote Isaac, no one blames you for the flag, did we mention it's Isaac, well it is so go vote Isaac" and I'm sitting here like WOW like all of my efforts to campaign are gone now because I'm apparently fine? Even if I don't believe I am? Like I'm genuinely convinced that I'm going to be going home in two hours. I haven't felt this out of the loop in a long time. We'll see, I guess? I don't have too much hope. I think Jay is lying to me, maybe Jordan too. But honestly, if I die, I die. I haven't been here long enough to feel invested. If I live, I'll start to care.

Are these idiots like blind? So we're submitting Karen's and it honestly pisses me off because she basically copied mine so I had to say something, because mine is clearly aesthetically better and were losing the challenge because of these idiots. I hope the other tribe's is amazing. Well won't really matter anyways we might as well just put a picture of yoda on ours.

I love when Jordan Pines recycles alliance chats from old games. Have I ever seen anything that messy? Yes. Does it sum up how I think his gameplay will go? Yes. So I have an alliance with Jay, Dan, and Jordan, which is really cute and all, but eventually I gotta cut ties with that group and play for myself. So far the consensus is to vote out Isaac, and I'm down, but I keep having this feeling in the back of my head that there might be something bigger going down. I don't want to seem paranoid at the first tribal, but I'm really worried. Good survivor Gods, please let me be wrong. Tell me this will go smoothly.

I think I obviously contributed the most. 1 my flag was the best, 2 karen copied parts of my flag onto hers because she sucks and yeah! :- )

so vote planning seems to be going well. I’ve become apart of 2 main alliances, one of me drew and jay and one of me jay madison and dan. I have a great relationship with ash, and I think I am forming a good one with van. So that about covers everyone on the tribe but Isaac, who sadly if all goes to plan will be going tonight. It should be a unanimous vote, but honestly I’ve been sketched out cause like Isaac is online, but hes not trying to sway the vote? idk whats up. Hopefully all goes according to plan.

first of all screw liana for that judging lol also I hate that we are going to tribal and I just hope it's not me going this week, I need to stay safe, I am so so nervous not gonna lie. I am using that social game

This tribe!!!! Is iconic!!!! Winning immunity by like...a lot of points and all I had to do was nod my head and say the flag looks good when will your fav. Side note I hope it's Karen that goes home I don't even know if her tribe lost but maybe a shark will crawl out of the ocean to get her

I can't wait for Liana and Chris to replace the first people voted out and they were judges to pick which tribe they would end up on Anyways actual game stuff, Steffen and I were talking about what to do and we were talking about pulling together an actual alliance between me him Sara Charlotte then one more, I was hoping Mitch or Chrissa because I don't talk to Jordan a lot so I was hoping it would be him. So now I'm 99% positive after talking to Mitch and Chrissa that this could be a unanimous vote for Jordan... I don't wanna get cocky or anything I've just heard he's the person people have talked to the least and I'm here for it. Jordan is really nice but he's quiet and the first vote is always better if it's easy so hopefully things go smoothly omg I just realized there's 5 girls and that's majority on its own and I think everyone is on board for Jordan hopefully so that's good and Steffen thinks we're super close so like omg if we could do the whole girls alliance I would cry of happiness because that's iconic and we'd have an easy majority STEFFEN IS ACTING SO WEIRD AND IM CONVINCED I'M GUNNA GET BLINDSIDED I CAN'T WAIT TO BE FIRST BOOT OF ALL STARS FUCK

when Katie does the work for me so I don't have to get any blood on my hands

I AM LIVING FOR THIS GIRLS ALLIANCE shookt in every sense of the word

Wow I can't believe I'm going to be first boot. It's kind of hard to avoid that when no one wants to fucking talk to you.

#piallstars #daydream island #survivingnightmares #confessionals

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