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zaffiri-saffici · 1 month ago

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Thanks for tagging me here, @girl4music! Finally got the chance to read your post and was nodding my head the whole way through. You make such compelling points that are hard to argue against, if at all. And, as someone who is currently in the process of rewatching this show from start to finish, this additional context really alters your perspective of the thing you're seeing in such a fulfilling and important way!

I think when you reframe the show from the standpoint of it being an epic, slow burn romance between two women who are seemingly different yet absolute compliments to one another, what ends up happening is this: you realize that the cornerstone driving the whole show forward is the exploration of that exact thing.

Xena and Gabrielle, two parts of a whole, the "other half of a soul," finding each other, time and time again. In every lifetime, in every story, in every moment past, present, and future. This is especially evident when you examine some of the dialogue of the earlier seasons.

I am drawn back to the scene in "Prometheus" 1x08 where Gabrielle tells Iolaus the story of how the gods split people in two, forever walking the earth in search of the other desperate to be united because they share the same soul. You could even extend into the HTLJ episode "Armageddon Now Part II" 4x14 because of how much the franchise crossed over. Even though it's a past/altered timeline, it's important to take note of it. Ialous tells Xena she's destined for great things as a hero, and Xena's response to it is, "A hero? Me? Well, maybe I'll even find true love, huh?"

It's so telling because as we shift back to the present timeline and the Dahak arc, we can see that the thing so innately tied to Xena's redemption is this story of her journey with Gabrielle, that it is almost impossible to see XWP as anything else than this astounding tale. The love story of the ages.

(Can I also point out how funny it is that some of the most important dialogue that sets up this love story happens when they are both with Iolaus?)

The beauty of it all is that we, the passionate viewers of this incredible show, are privileged enough that we get to join them for this one snapshot in an eternity of stories of them reuniting and falling in love all over again and again and again—the absolute reunification of two halves of a whole.

One soul in two bodies.

It so happens that this particular story—the one where they find each other first as a warrior from Amphipolis and a bard from Potidaea, just so happens to be in Greece, in a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings.

Xena and Gabrielle: Character study thesis

This is a character study thesis for explaining and understanding how and why Xena and Gabrielle are, as I always like to call them, the human representation of ‘Yin-yang’. Putting forth a point of view that clearly identifies and exemplifies that they are one soul in two bodies throughout the whole show, and as you watch each episode in sequence, it becomes apparent that they swap over roles and become each other.

Section 1: What ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ is about.

What is the show about to begin with and how does it change to represent stronger and more substantiated content, that inadvertently revolutionizes the show passed its initial premise and delivers excellently written character development?

I could just say it’s an action/drama/comedy show about a female ex-warlord who has turned good and now helps the innocent to seek redemption for the evil things she’s done in her past, but that’s honestly not the truth… at least… not the whole truth. That’s just how it starts off. The show becomes much more than was ever intended for its original plan, and it seems almost by accident that it happens. What it becomes is something else entirely. What ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ is about, throughout all its seasons, is an EPIC romance about soulmates who find each other at the most critical time. The entire show is dedicated to the growth of these characters both as individuals and as a couple. They bring out the best in each other. It is a slow burn romance of best friends evolving into lovers. Very slow. But you see their connection from the very beginning. The evolution of these characters, in their individual storylines, and the storylines they have together, will be the main factor in the postulated idea that they were one soul in two bodies that eventually passed into each other. As you watch them, episode to episode, you see for yourself the evidence of that.

What my intention is with this character study is to point out when and where Xena and Gabrielle show signs of their spiritual essences permeating into each other through how much they influence each other’s mindset and personality. I don’t want to state the case that they turn into each other because they make each other that way. More so that they become each other because they are already whole at the soul level, but that it takes a lot of life experience in the negatives and positives to bring that out at the human level. It takes meeting each other and travelling together to set in motion the events of the indications of their oneness. To prove to them that they are indeed a part of each other because they are two parts of one whole. That’s what I will try to explain as best I can in this thesis to help you recognize this same perspective and understand as to why it’s important to be aware of as you watch the show. So that you can see and appreciate for yourself that stronger and substantiated content that shows you that you’re watching a story of the romance that is just as good, or in my opinion, BETTER than those classic love stories, such as ‘Romeo and Juliet’ or ‘Guinevere and Lancelot.’

Section 2: In the right place at the right time.

How does meeting each other play a huge part in the changing of Xena and Gabrielle’s lives, and why was it exactly at that moment in exactly that way that they did meet when it could have been at any other time and in any other place?

Forget about Xena’s introduction in ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ because this is really where it all starts. Not only Xena’s individual storyline in seeking her redemption for the sins of her past but also hers and Gabrielle’s storyline of going from sheer strangers to the most loyal of partners. They meet each other in the most unusual of circumstances. While during a fight. Gabrielle, as well as most of her town, including her mother and sister, gets taken hostage by Draco’s henchmen, Hector and his band of thugs. He has plans to take them to the ruthless warlord and sell them off to the highest bidder. Xena runs for the cover of the nearby bushes and watches as the young blonde bravely steps forward and demands from him to take her in exchange for letting the rest of the captured go. He raises his hand ready to whip her and that’s when our lead protagonist steps in to stop the situation. This saves Gabrielle from a severe beating, that in her brittle form, she probably wouldn’t have ever recovered from and eventually died.

Unbeknownst to the audience on a first watch, it is also the moment when Xena’s about to commit suicide. So, we take in the information that Gabrielle saved Xena’s life at the same time Xena saved hers. It’s so subtle, that if you don’t pay attention, you will miss this, and it will take you a couple of run-throughs watching the scene to notice it. There is evidence for this interpretation as it is revealed in Season 6, during the episode ‘Legacy’, where Xena admits to Gabrielle that she changed her mind, or rather, took over it enough so that she didn’t go through with it. This information changes the tone of the entire show, I would say, as it immediately brings you right into what it is that Xena and Gabrielle do best for one another. Change and save each other’s lives. Constantly preventing these dark tendencies of suicidal or self-sacrificial instances to keep each other alive. Therefore, they meet then and there to do just that. Change and save each other’s lives. The circumstances were foretold. It was destined that they should discover each other in and at that precise moment. For in that lifetime, if they had followed through with those events, they never would have discovered each other at all, as they would both be dead.

Section 3: The balance of ‘Yin and Yang’.

What is it that makes two completely opposite and contradictory forces interconnected and complementary, and how does this relate to Xena and Gabrielle and explain the intensity and seemingly intrinsic nature of their relationship so accurately?

I’ve been developing a theory for a while now about Xena and Gabrielle that’s about how they influenced each other in personality and changed each other emotionally. I sometimes refer to Xena and Gabrielle as ‘Yin and Yang’, as to me, they are the perfect human representation of duality. Basically, what I mean by that is that they are each other’s balance. Their spiritual essences permeate into each other throughout the course of the show, and this is my theory that they become as one by the end of it. I wanted to present that as an overall thesis because there was so much within the episodes that showed this incredible spiritual connection between these two characters that you just don’t pick up unless you are conscious of the perspective in the first place.

Before we go into it, I first want to explain what I interpret ‘Yin and Yang’ to mean. ‘Yin and Yang’ are two polar oppositions. For example; the Dark principle and the Light principle. The principles are contradictory, but they complement each other in that one principle can provide what the other principle does not have. I use the analogy of a puzzle piece to explain this. A puzzle piece can only connect into another piece if that piece is the perfect opposite to it, otherwise, it can’t fit and therefore won’t connect. The pieces in a puzzle are designed in such a way so that they can fit into each other to create a bigger picture. It’s just the same as a soulmate, but I prefer to use the term puzzle piece, as it makes far more sense to me. ‘Yin and Yang’ are never separate as one needs the other to exist. Much like how you can’t have space without solid or solid without space. It cannot be either solid or space as neither principle can exist without the other there. It needs its polarity to exist in the first place. Even if these principles appear to be separated, they are not, as neither is what it is without its significant other, or it cannot function properly without it. Understand what I mean by that? “Shadow and Light are two sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other”, as Zelda so beautifully put it in ‘The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess’ game.

Let’s get on to how Xena and Gabrielle are the perfect human representation of ‘Yin and Yang’, and how they influenced each other in personality and changed each other emotionally because they are soulmates. Think about how opposite the pair is and how that might be beneficial to them in a relationship. Xena is very mind-orientated. She thinks three steps ahead of the game. Constantly thinking, planning and measuring. This gives her extreme advantage in battle, as she always knows what to do before she does it. To begin with, she has a lot of trouble with intimacy and emotion and is very stiff and stoic. So she isn’t much of a talker, other than the few well-thought-out intimidating lines to her foes. But because of this, she’s very good at listening to others and listening to her surroundings, which proves to be very useful to Gabrielle, who is very heart-orientated. Gabrielle feels, and she feels very deeply. This causes her to act before she thinks and that gets her into a lot of trouble in the early episodes of the show, which Xena just happens to have the ability and the quick strategic thinking to sort out. To begin with, Gabrielle is naïve and idealistic. But because of this, she is a fantastic storyteller and is very compassionate, therefore can offer emotional support and healing to those that need a bit of a pick me up at times, such as Xena. Do you see how their differences in strengths and weaknesses help to aid each other? One can give what the other lacks. They feed off each other. They fill the empty spaces in their lives as individuals by being together. They need each other to be all that they are and to evolve as people. Together, they are a complete whole. This is precisely what ‘Yin and Yang’ stands for. It’s balance. The scales are equal in the principles when together but unequal when apart. They balance each other out.

So, as I’ve stated above, this leads me to a theory that because Xena and Gabrielle can influence each other in personality and change each other emotionally like this, eventually they swap over roles. The principles correlate with each other so much that they end up passing into each other and by the end of the show, Xena and Gabrielle become each other.

Section 4: A dark heart is shadowed until the light shines in.

How do the consequences of a dark past have an extremely effective influence over the thoughts and feelings of the Warrior Princess, and why isn’t a guilty conscience enough for her to stay on the road to redemption and walk it without promising to her compassionate companion that she would not return to her old ways?

The introduction of the character Callisto to the show adds a much heavier layer to what is already an overwhelming story of redemption, vengeance, love, forgiveness and balance, which are to me, the main themes in the show that are reiterated repeatedly as it progresses in writing, production and direction. Callisto becomes the main villain in the show, but she isn’t your run-of-the-mill evil villain. Oh, no, no, no. I like to think of Callisto as more of an antagonist than a villain. She has an extremely complicated storyline of her own that inexplicably ties in with Xena’s because Xena murdered her family, or so that’s what she adamantly believes. It’s hard to explain or understand just how much this character is an integral reason for Xena’s reformation from being an evil warlord to a heroine for good, and how the consequences of her dark past have really screwed Callisto up and turned her into, for lack of a better word, a psychopath who is absolutely bent on destroying everything that makes Xena who she is. Starting with her reputation, and eventually escalating to the people she loves and cares about in all the world. This character is so crucial to ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, that there is never any way to stop her even when she dies. She’s that dedicated to ruining Xena and Gabrielle’s lives. Callisto doesn’t just want to kill Xena. She wants to kill her soul because that is what Xena has done to her. It’s hard to think of Callisto as any kind of villain because you develop such sympathy for her throughout all her appearances in the show. She’s so messed up in the head that you just don’t think of her as an evil person, just an extremely depressed and misunderstood one. What happens to her, in the end, is something that needed to happen, and I was unbelievably happy did. She did terrible things, but she needed the opportunity to be saved and forgiven as Xena did, and fortunately, the show’s producers gave her the ending she deserved.

This leads me on to what happens when Callisto meets Xena face to face for the first time in the late Season 1 episode, titled ‘Callisto’, and how Gabrielle plays a part in stopping Xena from crumbling down in guilt and regret and letting her go because of it once they captured her. Xena doesn’t blame Callisto for how she ended up, knowing that it was her own fault she became that way in the first place. Even if she didn’t mean for her family to be killed in the fire her own men started against her orders all those years ago in ‘Cirra’, Callisto’s hometown, she still felt solely responsible for the consequences that followed.

There is a very important scene, which I call ‘The Promise’ scene, from this episode where Gabrielle asks Xena to promise her that if anything happened to her in their travels together, that she would not turn away from her path of atonement, and rampage like a raving blood-lusted lunatic the way Callisto was. You see for the first time Xena’s vulnerability and struggle with sensitivity. She was finding it so difficult to cry in front of Gabrielle. She tries to send her off to bed before she could see the tears streaming down her face, but Gabrielle wasn’t having it. She made sure she promised her, and that she was sincere with the words. She sees the tears and tries to brush them away from her face. Xena immediately turns away from her and tells her to go to bed, but she doesn’t move. Gabrielle just sits there by her side sharing her pain and accepting her for who she is now, which I find extremely powerful and beautiful. Xena has probably never encountered acceptance like that in her life before, or she wasn’t paying enough attention to see it. The fact that Gabrielle refuses to leave her must have thrown her off. She left herself unguarded for the very first time in her life in front of this young woman. As the flickering flames danced before them, illuminating their faces, we see the Warrior Princess’ walls down for the very first time. The Bard had succeeded in bringing out her sensitive side, if only just for a moment. This would be the beginning of a transformation so intense, it would completely change Xena’s personality and mindset forevermore. Love and forgiveness would be her saving grace, and the beautiful soul sat across from her would be the reason why it happened at all.

Flashing forward to Season 4… When Xena lost Gabrielle she focused on trying to see her again instead of going back to her old ways. In ‘Adventures In The Sin Trade’, while searching for her, she realizes she had to put something right that she caused to happen in her history. Keeping her promise to Gabrielle, she tells her that she can’t carry on in her search for her. Sticking to ‘The Greater Good’, as that is what she would want her to do.

The final sections to this character study thesis are to tie up loose ends in the perspective and conclude the overall point that there was a lot of logic and reasoning to give the opinion that Xena and Gabrielle are the human representation of ‘Yin-yang’, that served on the basis of proof that they passed into and became each other in the end, as one, and will forever be together in all the alternative realities, soul reincarnations, and any denominations of the afterlife they would experience because their love was just that strong.

Section 5: The three-way love triangle.

How does Gabrielle and Ares’ interesting dynamic significantly impact Xena, and what is it that seems to make the Warrior Princess side with the Battling Bard and reject the God of War, despite having an unwillingness to do so, and no control over the situations she’s put in?

To start off, we’ll talk about what it is that Gabrielle and Ares have in common if anything. Obviously, it’s Xena. They both have a thing for her, but it’s more than that. They both also have an influence on her in different ways. It appears that Ares is Xena’s Dark side and Gabrielle is Xena’s Light side. This is what I really want to explain in-depth here to show the significant changes in Xena’s personality and mindset in her daily life travelling with Gabrielle and not being guided by Ares anymore. So, we’ve established that Gabrielle is Xena’s Light. Xena even refers to her as that in ‘Adventures In The Sin Trade’, just as she was deciding on what to do between looking for her or helping the Amazon tribe pass over into eternity. She chooses to do the latter, as she knows it’s what Gabrielle would want her to do, and she dedicates that specific good deed to her later in the second part of the story, exclaiming, “This one’s for you, Gabrielle.” So Gabrielle’s influence on Xena was for her to dedicate her time, energy and life to ‘The Greater Good’. Helping others and being a heroine for the world.

In Season 5, in the episode ‘Succession’, after Gabrielle’s physical transformation into a sai-wielding warrior, Ares offers Gabrielle a chance to become his ‘Warrior Queen’, even though he has absolutely no interest in her at all when it comes to who deserves the opportunity to carry on the God of Wars’ mantle. He wouldn’t give it to Mavican, and at that time, she was clearly the better fighter. So why was it that he was offering the position to Gabrielle of all people? Why is he giving her a chance to prove herself as a worthy candidate? Twice, in fact, he makes this odd proposition to her. Now, this isn’t really brought up in the show, but I personally think it comes down to his tendency to use people as leverage to get to others. In this case, Xena. I personally feel he had no intention of giving Gabrielle the honour of what he would gladly give Xena if she were to take it. But he knew if there was one thing that would make her take it, Gabrielle would be it. Gabrielle was his sway over her resolve. This, I believe, was a plan he was concocting for a long time since he knew that Gabrielle was her weakness, and yet the only thing that stood against him when it came to manipulating Xena into being triggered into her warlord ways again. It wasn’t her father or her mother or even her son. It was always Gabrielle. Gabrielle was the ticket to getting his way, and he used her in ‘Succession’ and ‘Seeds Of Faith’ as a ploy to force Xena to say “yes” to being his ‘Warrior Queen’.

Which then leads us on to the way Gabrielle thought about Ares. Her opinion of what his constant attempts to try winning Xena over from her would ultimately do to her. It would destroy her and everything she’s worked for in seeking her redemption. According to Gabrielle, he would be her downfall to be a better person. A person that wasn’t necessarily good or bad, but someone who would always choose the selfish route because she wouldn’t be given the choice to do the opposite. THIS WAS IT! This was why Gabrielle always won the battle for Xena’s love and affection. That choice of being good or evil. Gabrielle gave her a CHOICE, whereas Ares never did. Gabrielle did not try to manipulate, condition or control Xena. What she did was something far greater than that. She showed her that living for others would be more fulfilling than living for herself. She reminded her that although she could do anything she desired, the consequences were that she would never be truly happy, and innocents would suffer. Gabrielle had so much faith in Xena, that even when she did do something wrong, she trusted that Xena could find her own way out of it when it was showcased several times in the show that she could not without her help. Xena loved her immensely for this reason and despised Ares because he provided her with no other alternative. Before Gabrielle came into Xena’s life, Xena thought Ares’ ways were all there was for her, and she just couldn’t live with herself anymore.

So now we come to the overall impact this Light and Dark dynamic had on Xena. The events in the episode, ‘Chakram’, told Gabrielle that Xena couldn’t be entirely on one side of the spectrum or the other. She needed both her Light and Dark to be the best warrior she could be and to do the most good she could. But she didn’t need Ares because Gabrielle succeeded in doing what Ares never could. That was bringing her back into the Dark enough to balance her as a person. Enough to bring her sense-of-self back. You see, despite wanting Xena to be in complete opposition to that, Gabrielle was able to understand how much both sides were needed, and the importance of that duality. This means we’ve uncovered something amazing to do with Gabrielle’s individual influence over Xena. That Gabrielle wasn’t just her Light. She was also her way of staying balanced. She was the reason the real Xena, as we know her to be, existed, as the Light cannot exist without the Dark, as previously stated in Section 3 of this thesis. Gabrielle was her balance. Her reason for existing, at least, until the moment came when she had to sacrifice her life and her happiness to follow the ‘Way Of The Warrior’ and be ultimately redeemed.

Section 6: No going back and no way forward.

How does being in an alternative reality affect the Battling Bard’s personality and mindset once she encounters Xena within it, why does she behave so differently and aggressively in this reality, and what made her make such a drastic decision to destroy ‘The Universe’ when we, as the audience, know how much she values the peace and well-being of human life?

Gabrielle, to begin with, is idealistic, empathetic, persuasive, philosophical, spiritual, kind, compassionate, naïve, enthusiastic; the labels that define one being heart-orientated. That changes as the show progresses. Gabrielle becomes quite a complex character that has a lot of layers to her as she’s making her transition through the show. A lot of her personality becomes very nuanced. You’ll have to look quite deeply into her character to pick up her personality later in the show, much like you do with Xena in the earlier episodes. Xena, to begin with, does not put her heart on her sleeve. She is so stoic that one can’t have a solid grasp on her true personality because her heart is guarded, and she protects it by being strong-minded. By not talking or expressing herself in any audible way. She has issues with showing intimacy and emotion. That starts happening to Gabrielle too with all that happens to her in Season 3 and 4. She develops that stoic-ness, only she’s a lot more able to handle it because she has a lot more emotional strength and is much more expressive than Xena is. She’s able to express how she feels when she’s upset easier than Xena can. She’s able to be that emotional person without lashing out and going way over-the-top with it or holding it all in so that eventually it all explodes anyway.

The one time when this doesn’t happen, and she does indeed go over-the-top and lash out emotionally, is in the Season 6 episode ‘When Fates Collide’. Not only does she, in her blind rage and desperation, disregard all consequences for humanity and reality as she knew it, and destroys the alternative Universe, but she also makes it very apparent that she blames ‘The Fates’ for the mess of the loom, and the situation her and Xena were in, rather than Caesar. That is very uncharacteristic of her. That doesn’t sound like the Gabrielle we know, that would always take in all information first before making such judgement, and that would always see the good in all before accusing them of any kind of wrongdoing. What happened? Where’s our compassionate gal gone? Why is this how she acts in this episode? You could make the argument that she was living such a peaceful life in this alternative Universe that any kind of brush with danger and trauma would fire her up immediately, making her extremely angry and reckless, and make her do something she would possibly end up regretting. Selfishly and heartlessly putting all of humankind aside just to vent her emotions. That is a valid argument… However, I think it has more to do with the fact that Gabrielle, regardless of which Universe she’s in, is one of these people that just can’t be at peace with doing the same thing day in and day out, and not having any sort of surprise or shock or thrill. Not having a change in the schedule. After all, isn’t that why she left her home to travel with Xena in the primary Universe? It’s because she was sick of the conservative, boring lifestyle and wanted an adventurous, exciting lifestyle where no two days were ever the same.

So, you see, it’s not uncalled for that Gabrielle would react like this although it seems that way. There is sufficient reasoning behind it. But what strikes me most is how quickly she breaks the mould of the peaceful playwright, as she’s known to be in this Universe, as soon as she comes into contact with Xena, who is known as the Empress Of Rome. Despite knowing her for a few candle marks at best, she is already so invested in her that she becomes this emotional and aggressive when Julius Caesar sentences Xena to death and wants to do something about the unfortunate condition she’s in. We know it’s because they’re soulmates, but these characters don’t know that. They aren’t aware of everything to do with the former reality, so why is Gabrielle acting this way despite living a tranquil life? Something within her changed, and it was a quick change because in the former reality this was always her fate. That she’d never remain the Gabrielle that was innocent and sweet and calm when her karma comes to intertwine with Xena’s so strongly. There was a fire in her. A rebellious attitude that was just waiting to be unleashed. This was meant to be, and somehow, she knew that. She knew that’s the way it was supposed to be. So she didn’t care. She chose to destroy ‘The Universe’ because living an entire lifetime without Xena just wasn’t acceptable. Xena and Gabrielle were so much a part of each other, that it didn’t matter how long or little they knew each other for in any lifetime. They were connected in every single one of them and would be for eternity. This much, made sense to Gabrielle, that nothing else was beyond or above it. She wanted to get back to the life where she never felt empty or lost or bored. She wanted Xena and she didn’t care what she had to do or had to give up to get her.

It is my personal belief that Gabrielle behaved this way because it was inevitable that she would become just like Xena, as her original wish was to be just that. Xena would permeate into her personality so much that it would ultimately and completely change her emotionally. Even using such terms and phrases the likes Xena would use to get her way, such as “so be it!” For better or worse she was the other half of Xena’s soul and although their personalities were so contradictory, they complemented each other so perfectly that they eventually passed into each other, so that even their personalities were the same. It really didn’t matter what timeline, Universe, dimension, reincarnation or afterlife they were in… they still weren’t balanced or whole without each other because they were one. They were one whole soul.

Section 7: “You’re where I belong, I belong with you.”

How does travelling with Xena all those years make Gabrielle feel about her, and why does she choose to be with Xena’s family over her own family, or even her Amazon tribe, when she finally would be laid to rest?

In the episode from Season 6, titled ‘The Abyss’, Gabrielle gets wounded and is on the verge of dying from pneumonia. She confesses to Xena that her dying wish was to be buried with Xena’s family; Cyrene and Lyceus. This confession threw Xena off-guard, as that is probably the most tragically romantic thing you could ever say to someone. Furthermore, she explains why she’d rather be buried with Xena’s family than her own. She’s basically saying, “I’m dying, but I still want to be with you. You are more important to me than anyone else in my life”, and that’s pretty freaking intense. I do not blame Xena for the tears rolling down her cheek. It’s a beautiful statement, and yet so upsetting at the same time. She has taken Gabrielle away from her family, even if she didn’t mean to, and she’s chastising herself mentally for it, as we see a little later in the scene where she says she’s lead her on a path she was never meant to walk. To Gabrielle, she couldn’t be more wrong. Gabrielle has always considered Xena her “home”. She’s stated several times that with and to Xena is where she belongs. Xena is her path. So it’s not surprising that she would have a wish like this. It’s a testament to show how much Gabrielle is invested in Xena’s life. From the very start when she met her and chose to travel with her on the road, to the very end, when she stated that Xena was her whole life and that she refused to lose her.

It’s sad, but beautiful and romantic at the same time. Tragic romance. It’s kind of like ‘Romeo and Juliet’, only she never took her own life at the reality of Xena being dead and staying that way. At least, I hope she didn’t, because that would be truly tragic. The overall point is that no matter what, Gabrielle would always choose Xena. It’s paramount to her to always be with Xena. Even in death. You don’t make a statement like the one she did in this episode unless you are 100%, unequivocally, unconditionally in love with the person.

This is a character study video showcasing how much Xena and Gabrielle need each other in their lives to stay on the right path for themselves. Xena seeking her redemption and being a fighter for ‘The Greater Good’. Gabrielle transitioning from a simple village girl into a warrior. This video looks into what it is they most desire in their hearts. To belong. They belong to and with each other. This is a collaboration between me and @warriorbard-always.

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Conclusion: “In a flurry of snow, two breaths of wind unite and become as one, and then disappear into each other.”

How will Gabrielle deal with the shocking, unannounced death of her beloved, and will she respect her wish and love her enough to let her go so she can receive her ultimate redemption and an eternal rest?

After being told that Xena has to stay dead, Gabrielle goes through the motions of understanding as to why. She takes the information in and ponders it, but you can see the defiance on her face. The morally justified Bard makes a bold statement, exclaiming that she doesn’t care about the 40,000 souls that would be eternally damned if Xena were brought back to life. She doesn’t agree. She doesn’t think it’s right. She wrestles with her own code of conduct. The same code she asked Xena to stick to all those years ago in that longhouse in Tripolis when she was wounded by a poisoned arrow and had only hours to live. Back then it felt right to say ‘The Greater Good’ was more important than her own life. But of course, it’s not her own life she is losing now, is it? Gabrielle, once again, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She must decide whether to accept the consequences of her beloved passing on into eternity or denying her an eternal rest, and her ultimate redemption. It may be the hardest choice she has ever made. The poetic verse in the title of the final section of this thesis perfectly describes exactly what happened to Xena and Gabrielle throughout the course of the entire show, which leads me to the conclusion of it. When Xena disappeared at the end of the final episode of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, ‘A Friend In Need Part II’, what happened was she transferred over the last of her spiritual essence into Gabrielle. Gabrielle had a lot of her spirit already within her, which is what allowed her to touch Xena physically when material objects like her chakram just went right through her. That didn’t happen with Gabrielle because they shared a spiritual connection that was so intense, it proved to us that they are one soul in two bodies. One body of which no longer existed, but the spirit still lived on in Gabrielle, so that instead, they became one soul in one body. This meant that Gabrielle was now just as much of a capable warrior as Xena was and would be just fine on her own in carrying on the legacy of the Warrior Princess because she never really was on her own at all. Ever. Xena was always with her. She was just inside her, and therefore, had the ability to appear beside her in ethereal form, from the other side, even though she no longer had a physical body. This is just how Gabrielle remembered her in her heart. With such a graphic imagination as hers and hundreds of self-written stories describing her, she could create the exact form of the woman she fell in love with standing right beside her whenever she wanted and could still physically touch her and hold her.

At the apex of it all, Xena and Gabrielle weren’t just perfectly balanced, they were also physically complete. This is the true nature of ‘Yin-yang’. My most personal headcanon for the show is the belief that when it did come time for Gabrielle to die, she chose to be cremated like Xena, so she could combine her ashes with Xena’s. Knowing because they’re soulmates, they’re connected as one and will be together for eternity, in many lifetimes and beyond.

Summary: You can love someone so deeply and so intensely that you become one with them, and not only that, but you can also pass into them, so that you become them, and they become you. It’s through this that you will come to the realization that you are one in the same. There was never any separation between you, and there never will be because there was never a beginning, nor will there be an end. You and them and your love can only be an end in itself, as you were always one soul in two bodies all along. This is how beautiful and powerful true love between soulmates is.

“The highest state of human love is the unity of one soul in two bodies.” - Sri Aurobindo.

My character study video for Xena, detailing the challenges she went through both when she was evil and good, showing that she needed both to become the hero she does, and commit to ‘The Greater Good’.

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Dear Xena,

You have been through so many challenges that took a toll on your heart and soul in your search for redemption. There were times when you let yourself slip back into your old ways out of anger and hatred, but with the help of your Light, you found the willpower to get yourself back on track again. You were finally able to reconcile with your Dark side, knowing that without it, you would not be the force you need to be for ‘The Greater Good’. You came to understand how important it was for you to stay balanced so that you would always have the skill, strength and determination to fight evil, and be the Warrior Princess we all know and love.

My character study video for Gabrielle that took 2 days to make. It is in dedication to my favourite character of all time, with the greatest written character development and evolution that I have ever seen in my entire life. It’s about time she was honoured as the true warrior and hero she is.

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Dear Gabrielle,

In your immense journey in evolving into a warrior, you learned that the fighting, violence and pain was inevitable and unavoidable. Despite all you had to go through and all you’ve overcome, you’ve still managed to remain on the side of ‘The Greater Good’, when so many things and unfair experiences that happened to you were completely the total opposite from anywhere even close to great or good. It got really Dark for you at times, yet you never lost your Light. You only ever realized that it was worth fighting for it. I respect and admire you for the huge amount of emotional strength you had to have in order to be able to stay sane. My incredible Battling Bard… I really hope I did you justice!

#sometimes it makes what happens in the s6 finale okay because what was never born may never die #and you know without a doubt that xena and gabrielle will soon find each other again #also y'all need to go watch Emma's videos because they will make you cry if nothing else #so so good #love me some good meta!#thank you again! <3 #xwp #xena warrior princess #xena x gabrielle

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heechwe · 1 month ago

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higher than heaven | 𝐜𝐬𝐛

୨୧ pairing: choi soobin x fem!reader ୨୧ word count: 10.3k ୨୧ genre: fluff, angst, smut ୨୧ tags: guardian angel!soobin, human!reader, mutual pining, sexual tension, dirty talking, nipple play, chest worship, fingering, unprotected sex ୨୧ synopsis: Soobin, your devoted guardian angel, has one singular purpose in his ethereal existence: to bring your heart's deepest desires to life. Unbeknownst to him, his mere presence fulfills that desire. Yet, the lingering question remains— how can he effectively transform your most intimate dreams into reality? ♬ playlist: iris | nightly, dizzy | yueku, unbreakable | jamie scott, monsters | joan, feel every bit | the ivy, infinitely falling | fly by midnight, kiss my scars | august royals, next to me | peter fenn, hideaway | jacob collier, salvation | gabrielle aplin, magic island | tomorrow x together ⟢ AUTHOR'S NOTE: First fic of 2025! I’d like to thank @lovetaroandtaemin, @chugging-antiseptic-dye, @ylangelegy, @gyubakeries, and @xomakara for beta-reading this fic for me, I know it was a quick journey and I appreciate every one of you who followed the story from the beginning to the end 🤍.

The time fills as plastic shot glasses and empty solo cups discarded into trash bags. Some stragglers of the party lay on the couch or floor, but you pass by them with ease. You sigh before Beomgyu stops you with a sharp tug. "Dude, you don't have to help me. You're supposed to be one of my guests!"

"I'm just avoiding the inevitable tomorrow. And if you come into the shelter late because you procrastinated cleaning your own apartment, I may just kill you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, boss.” He rolls his eyes and unfurls the empty bag you had between your hands moments before. You giggle in earnest.

“If I get a single text, Gyu–”

“Why don’t you enjoy the early morning hours of New Year's and get out of here?" He shoves you towards the door of his apartment with an "I love you” to follow you out, determined to do what you swear he won't without your help.

Beomgyu may be your childhood friend, but habits hold on tight with him. It’s clear from the three years he’s worked at your animal shelter. Your parents always said he has good intentions, although he’s brash in decision-making. "The kid just asks for forgiveness more than permission most of the time," your dad would joke, and Beomgyu wouldn’t disagree.

Your parents’ words replay in your head on the walk home. You hear every piece of parental advice with each step on the cobblestones, the clack or your heels accompanying every word. It's customary on New Years to feel the ache of their absence so strongly. Your thoughts of them are as vivid as the pain of their loss. It seems to haunt you more with every year that passes.

One day, you had been tagging new intakes and cleaning food bowls like normal. The next you were receiving the call that your parents had been in a fatal car accident. Every space they inhabited, including the shelter, felt colder, quieter, a little less like home. Even your own house twenty minutes from your job barely felt like your own.

Five years of grief made the pain manageable, but on nights like tonight, it doesn’t feel like you’ve made much progress..

The cold of January accompanies the repetitive emotional and mental cycle you're on. The weather bites with a hard set of teeth, almost more brutal than the traces of sadness you feel in your heart.

You don’t realize amid the somber trek home how close the surrounding shadows are, one of a stranger within an arm’s distance.

Your animals greet you at your door with perky barks and whooshing tails. Mina and Minho, your two tabby cats, seem to be delighted that you’re back, but save the ecstatic greetings for their canine siblings. Key, your senior chihuahua, does what he can energy-wise compared to Bori, your labrador mix.

“Bobo, please,” you beg as she jumps up on you when you kneel at her eye-level. It’s all a mess of slobbering tongue and eager pants with her. Once she’s done, you rub Key between the ears to give him some affection.

Even your hedgehog, Rio, taps against the glass of his enclosure to say hello to you. It’s almost like every pair of animal eyes asks you how the party went and why you left them alone for so long.

You can’t supply them with an answer, because you notice the person-shaped figure at your kitchen counter, silent and clouded in darkness. The sight makes you release a decibel-breaking scream.

You grab an umbrella from the iron wrack near your door and charge to the kitchen, expecting Key and Bori to follow you and bark aggressively at the intruder. They don’t, but they do pad behind you in curiosity at your strange actions.

They barely react at all when you turn on the light in the small kitchen. The new illumination reveals the black-haired stranger dressed in white. He says nothing, but holds a smile of mirth on his face at your line of defense. He's neither scrawny nor muscular, but towers over you to a surreal degree.

You think you can take him if you have the element of surprise, but with the alcohol still buzzing through your veins, you may lack complete hand-eye coordination. It’s anyone’s guess.

“What do you want? If you’re looking for money, you got the wrong house, buddy.” You say with a steady voice, aiming the sharpest point of the umbrella in his direction.

He smiles wide, pearly teeth and a set of dimples almost blinding you. “I’m Soobin.”

His lack of an answer and warm smile throw you off. It’s definitely not the reaction anyone expects from a burglar. Maybe the guy's intoxication is even greater than yours, enabling him to enter someone's home without permission. No matter the reasons, you don’t release your hold on the umbrella. You stare him down hard despite your shaking hands.

“Well…Soobin…I don’t know what you want, but you’re not gonna find it here.”

“I’m in the exact place I need to be.” He says your name with the same level of warmth that remains in his smile, but your blood runs cold at the fact he is aware of who you are. Was he stalking you? Had he stopped by the animal shelter while you were too busy to make a mental note of him? “Put down the umbrella and we–”

“Get the fuck out of my house, you creep!” You raise the umbrella as high as you can before it falls on his head, shoulders, or any location on his body that will stun him. He knows it’s coming, though.

Soobin somehow materializes right in front of you before you can step forward, taking your wrists gently in one hand to stop you. “There’s no need for that. I’m not here to harm you.”

You struggle in his hold, trying your hardest to release yourself from his grip with all of your might. Then, you freeze, unsure of how both his speed and his lack of alarm to your furry animals makes any logical sense.

Soobin senses your lack of effort to go through with your attack and lets go of you, taking a small breath of air. “Will you drop the umbrella?”

“Once you tell me what you are,” you whisper. “My dogs would have ripped off your ankles by now, but they didn’t. Why?”

Soobin chuckles, but you feel anything but humorous. “The why to that question is a bit hard to explain. But I can tell you why I’m here.” He runs a hand through his hair, suddenly bashful. “Let’s just say I have a mission to complete.”

Soobin sits at one end of the couch, hands in his lap, while you sit on the other. Your dogs lay at the edge of the couch, snoring peacefully now that the chaos is over. Your knees sit tight against your chest, still guarding yourself from him or any potential advances he may make.

You may not think he wants to kill or rob you anymore, but that doesn’t mean you’re immediately trusting of the stranger. One that is no doubt breathtaking, but still hiding his intentions.

You size him up, still unsure how or why the guy is familiar with you when you’ve never seen him before. He can barely provide you with an adequate answer for the questions that pop into your head.

Where are you from? How do you know me? Have we ever met before?

He chuckles at each one, continuing on with the same reflexive response. “Proprietary information.”

You roll your eyes. “Every time you say that, you sound like some kind of spy.” You move closer to his spot on the couch, looking at him with more intensity than before.

The analysis makes him laugh even more, his cheeks turning pink. “I’m not an alien, if that was your second guess.”

“That’s not what I was thinking!”

He quirks an eyebrow at you. “You look like you’re about to cut me open with a scalpel.”

Your lips transform into a firm line. “Should I want to, Soobin? Maybe you’re saying you’re not an alien to throw me off.”

“Trust me, I am not an extraterrestrial. Not cool enough.”

You can’t help but laugh at the ridiculous situation you find yourself in, matching the smile on Soobin’s face with your own. An hour ago, you were about to kill him in self-defense for what you assumed was a classic break-in scenario. Now, you’re laughing with your would-be victim. This has to be the most peculiar first day of the year you’ve ever had.

He claps his hands softly on his white denim jeans. “We should call it a night. You’re probably tired. I can explain more tomorrow, if you’d like.”

You look around your house, unsure where Soobin is planning to stay for the next few hours. The one-bed-and-bath cottage is anything but roomy, most of your space taken up by work supplies or your animals’ stuff.

He senses your trepidation and grins. “Don’t worry, I can come back in the morning.”

You suck in a breath. Most of you feels relief, but there’s a small inkling of sadness that pervades your emotions. You barely know Soobin, but his presence provides a warmth that your home has been missing.

It has to be the last traces of alcohol and the simmering grief still in your system.

“Okay. I have work in the morning, but–”

“I’ll be here before you have to leave,” Soobin cuts you off. He holds his hand out in a goodbye, and you take it. His soft palm meets yours and heats your skin, and you have to cut the parting short to not feel any more flustered.

“See you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, love.” He leaves you with one more grin before he exits, confusing you further.

The touch of his fingertips on you follows you into sleep, his skin the last coherent sensation you have before it all goes black.

There is a murky quality to the dream you find yourself in. You’re surrounded by grey, the color’s opacity fading only partly as the details become clearer.

The room around you looks more like a cavern than a traditional room. It’s made of stone, cavelike and primitive. The entrance to the area is too vast for a normal door. It’s almost as if you could step out and fall into nothing but clouds. The world outside is a mixture of inky blacks and dark blues, signifying nighttime outside the four rocky walls.

You look back to the inside of the space. It holds a desk covered with paperwork and photographs. You’re alone, standing in the center of it all, but too far away from the papers on the table to see any information.

Before you can step closer, Soobin enters with a blonde man hot on his heels. They both walk right through you, seemingly not noticing your presence at all as they continue their discussion.

They emit their own light somehow, the room nowhere near as dark as when you were alone inside of it.

“If you fail at this, Yeonjun will demote you and have no qualms about doing it.” The blonde man ruffles his hair in frustration, and inches closer to Soobin. They clearly have a close relationship, from the concern on the stranger’s face to the hand that he rests on Soobin's shoulder. “You’ve worked too hard to lose everything, Soobin.”

“I know, Hyuka,” Soobin says in a somber tone, sorting through the papers on his desk. “But she needs me now more than ever. And I know I can help. And if I succeed, I can actually—“

“I get it. We’re just not supposed to get involved unless we’re certain about it. You know this.”

Soobin sighs. “You didn’t see her, Kai. I have to.”

The man named Kai exhales a deep breath and walks away, his pleas seeming to hit a brick wall. The last thing he says, “I hope you know what you’re risking,” barely makes it to your ears. All you notice before Kai’s departure is the unfurling of wings from his back, the white and gray feathers spouting from the tendons just below his shoulders.

You scream when he drops from the entrance, his wings carrying him away. You don’t care if the sound alerts either of the two men, not after witnessing such an unrealistic moment.

You scream again when you hear the unfurling of Soobin’s wings, the sound almost whipping you onto your back from the gust his wings emit. They’re dark grey, larger than Kai’s are. They create such long-casting shadows that you have no question now what Soobin is or where he comes from.

The word replays in your mind as the surrounding scene dematerializes and you wake up with a rapid heartbeat: an angel.

Soobin waits at your door in the same white button-up and jeans he had on the night prior. You welcome him inside, and he looks more ethereal somehow in daylight.

The dream hits you again with its full force, the image of his grey wings flashing across your memory.

“So, you’re an angel,” You say, filling the space between you both with a new tension. The anxiety only permeates from you; Soobin exudes an air of calm instead, despite your accusation.

He almost ticks his head down in a nod as he responds with the words, “Proprietary information.”

You nod your head and gulp hard. Somehow, the aura around you and the subtext in his expression tells you what you know to be true.

He showed you all you needed to know last night through your dreams, a miraculous loophole to the restrictions placed upon him.

When you’re finally ready to go to work, the morning chores around the house finished before Soobin even made it to your doorstep, you look over at the man in front of you again with trepidation. The white attire may lead to a multitude of questions that you and Soobin cannot answer.

“What? Is there something on my face?” Soobin asks, confused.

You laugh and shake your head, any residual tension from your realization broken. “You look a bit too…uniform for the shelter.”

“Oh! Well…” He blushes, unsure how to respond.

An idea pops into your head when his words come up short. “I may have some old stuff that’ll fit you.”

“Why is the rando wearing your dad’s windbreaker?” Beomgyu asks while cleaning Jin, the newest adoptee at the shelter. His eyes peer over at Soobin filling some food bowls with kibble. Soobin’s presence fills the space the same way it did in your house.

He wears your dad’s long-sleeve shirt, windbreaker, and khaki pants well. Despite his freakishly tall height, the clothes don’t look small on him, and you’re relieved he’s able to fit in like any normal guy with the change in wardrobe.

You scoff, continuing to fill out the documents for Jin’s tag and vaccinations without looking up at your friend. “Soobin’s new in town and lost everything on the plane ride here. He just needed to borrow some stuff until his luggage gets delivered.”

Beomgyu nods, still concerned. He goes back to scrubbing Jin’s coat with the anti-tick shampoo, and you leave his spot at the cleaning station to stand beside Soobin.

“You do this every day? These bags are heavy, even for me.” Soobin grunts and clips the bag closed.

“I usually make Gyu or another volunteer do it. But you saved me the trouble of asking.” You smirk and take two of the bowls in your hands. “Want to help me feed the dogs?”

Soobin’s eyes light up, and he nods. You wonder as you walk to the cages if he’s ever interacted with animals before he left his home in the skies.

Since you were a kid, the shelter has always been a part of your daily regimen. Once college was out of the way, you had a stable job waiting for you to practice your veterinary degree on. While some could only handle so many cat scratches, dog poops, and absurd origin stories, it made every day worth it in your eyes. And the fact that you had a history with tending to furry friends with your parents only made it more worthwhile to continue doing.

The second you open the cages to let the dogs eat, you recognize how natural Soobin is at the job. He talks to them in a childlike voice and rubs their bellies as they munch on kibble and necessary medicines you give in between feeding. Even the dogs with the rougher backgrounds take to Soobin like a bee to honey, the warmth he naturally exudes relaxing them.

He truly is an angel, you realize, and not just in the literal sense.

You lock up the shelter for the day with a lot less weight on your shoulders thanks to Soobin. “I might as well give you the keys to this place. It suits you well,” you joke.

Soobin tucks his hands into his windbreaker, smiling hard. “It just came easy, I guess. Animals aren’t like people. They don’t have to hide behind words. It’s all about energy.”

You look at him as you walk away from the building together, your face softened from his words. “My mom always used to say stuff like that. To her, animals were the bestest friends you could ever ask for. She’d say it’s like they see into your soul.”

Soobin grins. “She seems lovely.”

You swallow hard, balling your hands into fists inside your jacket. It’s not anger that permeates your body now, not the way it used to. All that exists is the reality that their words are simply memories. “She was. My dad too. That place was their second home.” You wave your arm in the direction of the shelter. The building diminishes from view as you round the corner to head home. “And mine, too.”

“Did you envision this being your life?” Soobin asks, the question taking you by surprise. “I don’t mean to pry.”

“No, it’s okay!” You laugh. “I mean—I love working with the animals every day, and I have great friends. It just can be very routine sometimes, like there’s this gap that I can’t fill.” You hold back the more intimate details of your desires to Soobin, still guarded and uncertain of being so vulnerable so soon.

He steps closer, the walk becoming more intimate with his shoulder almost brushing yours. “You’ve been alone for quite a while. It’s understandable to want to share your life with someone.”

You blush hard, a mixture of the January cold and his correct assumptions building a steady heat on your cheeks. “That’s what most people want, I guess.”

Eyes widening, you realize now why Soobin may be discussing these things with you. Could his super secret mission, which he discussed the night you met, relate to right now?

“No fucking way,” you whisper to yourself, stopping on the stone street. Soobin only gets a few paces farther than you before he stops.

“Is there something wrong?” He asks, his eyebrows drawn up and his mouth in a small O that you would normally giggle at.

Now, you have no time for humor.

“Did you come here because of the stupid wish I made on New Year’s Eve?”

“Taehyun, if you give me another shot, I will throw up!” You exclaim in a fit of giggles, three drinks already in your system over the last hour and a half. His girlfriend, Kazuha, stands by your side as she downs the shot in her hand, her mouth puckering as she swallows it down. “Zu, I thought you were the DD tonight!”

“Fuck it, I’ll call an Uber.” She winks and chases the shot with a sip of beer. Beomgyu wades through the throng of people in his living room to join all of you in the kitchen.

“Taking shots without me? That’s a party foul.”

“Whatever, man. It’s not like we can’t make more.” Taehyun passes him one filled with tequila to catch up, and Beomgyu downs it in the next second. By the time the buzz of the drinks hits your head, Jungwon barrels into the kitchen with his own girlfriend Yeri to tell you all that the ball is dropping.

Everyone crowds around the television to watch the remaining minute of the year play out. The strangers around you scream out the last seconds, others speak in a drunken lilt.

You turn to your friends, somehow the only person without someone attached to their hip. Beomgyu is holding a random girl's shoulder, while your other friends stand closely together in their respective couples, watching the countdown..

“Four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!” Beomgyu says the words into his date’s neck before kissing her roughly on the lips. Your other friends have their own celebratory make-out sessions. You feel like an intruder as they all enjoy the moment in their respective couples.

You’ve never been a grouch about your single status, not once. But it felt like a part of you was missing out with little of a choice in the matter. Whether by the confines of chance or love simply not being meant for you for the past twenty-seven years, you can only be comfortable for so long before the pain of solitude drains you dry.

Was it so awful to want to find someone to share funny videos with? To talk to about days at the shelter when a cute animal comes in and needs a loving home? When days are heavy on your heart and you need the one you love the most to lift you up and make it all evaporate with a simple “I love you”? To make every struggle and hardship, no matter how big or small, worth it?

And so, with only a drunken mind and heart to listen to your deepest whims, you wish for what seems the most out of reach as your eyes line with tears: a soulmate to bridge the gap between your loneliness and true fulfillment.

When the reality of why Soobin’s here hits you, you can’t help but release one of the loudest laughs you’ve ever emitted before.

“You have to be fucking kidding me,” you say with exasperated breaths, all the air in your lungs saved mostly for your laughter. “You came all the way from up there to play matchmaker?”

Soobin chuckles to himself, the sounds that leave his lips a lot quieter than yours. “You make it sound so childish.”

“Can you blame me?” You ask. “I don’t need help in that department!”

Soobin gives you a knowing look, hitting you somewhere deep in the chest. “Then I wouldn’t be here, would I?”

“Okay, don’t speak in riddles to me!”

“I’m just stating facts, love.”

You roll your eyes, and Soobin laughs again. “So you’re magically going to find me the perfect partner after only knowing me for 48 hours?”

“I’ve known you for much longer than that.” He steps even closer to you, your fingers brushing his as he stands a few inches from you. “But again, it’s—“

“Proprietary information, I get it,” you whisper. You cough into your fist and glide past him, the moment broken. “Either way, I am just fine with or without a boyfriend, Soobin.”

He follows behind without a word, but you sense his smile without looking at him. Jerk.

Soobin has helped many people in his immortal life. It’s an existence he couldn’t fill in just one book. He’d have to go back centuries to the very moment he started his work as a guardian. His life began long before that, but his true merits came when he started helping those who needed supernatural guidance.

He’s seen from his eagle’s eye view many heartbreaks, losses, successes, and love stories, but nothing as encapsulating as the story of your life.

You were a vision to see the first time you held an animal in your hands, hands tepid but heart full from the creature giving all of its affection to you for you to reciprocate wholeheartedly. He was in awe of you when you stepped across the stage with your degree, eager to put all the knowledge you gained about medicine to a good use. And his ever-still heart ached with yours the second you got that phone call in November five years ago, wanting nothing more than to catch you before your knees hit the tile below.

You’re the one assignment he’s kept too close an eye on, the others in his caseload not holding his focus so strongly. He succumbed to forbidden desires, wishes he knew were unattainable.

But the second he felt your heart break on the one night he knew he could seize the chance to step over the border between Heaven and Earth, he chose the only option that felt right: he had to leave home and heal what needed to be mended inside of you a long time ago.

He watches you help the teenage girl adopting her first pet with immense adoration.

You check off the supplies needed for Jin and all the vaccines the dog will need moving forward with clinical focus. It’s admirable how dedicated you are to your work, not caring if it went beyond the bounds of a traditional work-life balance.

And when you wave the teenager and her parents out the door and turn to him with a signature eye-roll, he can’t stop the way his skin heats. Your gaze in his direction screams: How long are you going to keep pestering me?

Forever, he says to himself with a hell of a lot of hope.

When you’re both alone in the shelter, one hour after you’re closed for the day, you sweep the floors in a huff. “I am telling you I do not need you to play matchmaker for me.”

“You keep saying that and yet I’m still here, love,” Soobin tuts, flipping through the magazine on top of your desk. He sits at the chair opposite from the receptionist counter so casually, feet crossed and casual despite his heart yearning to explain everything to you.

I’m here because I can’t take any more of your pain. Because someone deserves to know how special you are. Because I—

“I can find a date without your help. Beomgyu already took up that role a long time ago. He’s been pestering me about going out with his friend Heeseung for months. So there.” You stick your tongue out at him and continue sweeping.

Soobin chuckles to himself and flips to another page of the magazine, but he can’t deny how his focus remains on you, the center of his attention, for longer than he expected.

“Lee Heeseung, twenty-two. Works at the ramen shop downtown. Entirely incompatible with you. Just for your information.”

You stop sweeping and aim an accusatory eye at him. “And that’s not proprietary information how?”

“I’m not looking out for him. And that only took a couple of Google searches to figure out, love.”

By the time you lock up the store, Soobin is in the habit of checking the door behind you to make sure you didn’t miss the back door or forget to close the play-gate on the way out. Two weeks of observing your routine up close has given him incredible intel, and not just into your schedule.

“Let’s walk past downtown,” Soobin suggests, taking your hand and walking through a new pattern of alleyways and cobblestone paths.

You’re unsure why this route that adds another ten minutes to your walk is worth the trouble, but you take his advice, anyway. He’s your angel for a reason, after all.

“Soobin, unless you suddenly got a hankering for human food, we really should—“

You knock into someone’s shoulders hard; the impact sends you to the gravel. Soobin vanishes from view, his name on your tongue the second you recognize that you’re on the ground.

A pair of hands that aren’t Soobin’s, more calloused and robust, lift you up off the ground.

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have been standing so close to the alleyway.”

A beautiful pair of brown eyes gaze at yours, and it stops you dead in your tracks. The stranger’s brown hair falls over his face in a mess of free curls, some of them tinged with sweat. He wears a baking apron around his waist; flour and, you presume, icing cover his shirt.

You look at the building next to you, the pastel pink sign reading “Gyu’s Baked Goods” beaming over your head. And you turn back to the man in question, the baker himself as his hands keep you sturdy on your scraped feet.

“It’s totally fine. I’m the one who should be sorry. I mean, I wasn’t looking anyway and I—“

“No, you don’t have to apologize. This is what I get for taking a smoke break when I have cupcakes to make, right?” The baker chuckles and releases you. Your heart thumps at a rapid tempo when he holds his hand out to you. “I’m Mingyu. Sorry I’m built like a mountain.”

You chuckle and take his hand, the handshake gentle for the size of his palm. It reminds you of a sturdy fireplace, strong but tender. “Pleased to meet you. Apologies for having the build of a leaf.”

Soobin looks on with a knot in his stomach from an opposite alleyway. The process has begun, and he cannot halt its progress. No matter if he wants to be the one in the human male’s place.

Soobin watches on as Mingyu stands with you by the kennels, acid simmering on his tongue from watching the two of you in such a chummy position.

He clutches the novel in his hands with intense pressure, on the edge of ripping pages between his fingers. For the past week and a half, you and Mingyu have spent time together as new acquaintances, giving Sobbing time to read mortal literature.

He should be happy for you; his initial plan to find someone who fits your life and wishes so well is going perfectly. Yet why does he wish he could rewind time and take it back?

To your pleasure and Soobin’s secret dismay, Mingyu’s surprise gift of homemade mini animal treats made the day an amazing experience for all three of you.

You pay no mind to Soobin’s sudden and off-putting sulking as you show Mingyu around the animal shelter, your new friend interested in your job as much as you’re intrigued by him.

Beomgyu saunters up to Soobin with a bag of kibble in his hands, clicking his tongue. “It’s tough, isn’t it, man?”

Soobin huffs and looks at the younger man, the aura around your friend similar to his back home. If only Kai could see him now, grumbling and pouting like a kicked puppy.

“What is?”

“Seeing the girl you like with someone else. I mean, she’s pretty great so I get it.”

Soobin rolls his eyes and goes back to the novel in his hands to distract himself. His jaw ticks when he hears your laughter. The sound creates such a beautiful symphony to his ears, but it’s not reserved for him at the moment, and it makes his stomach turn. “You’re wrong.”

“Okay, dude. I get it. None of my business.” Beomgyu lifts the bag over his shoulder and starts walking, but looks back at Soobin with a smirk. “But maybe it might be mutual if you gave it a shot.”

Soobin scoffs at the kid, and then at himself for the split second he entertains the idiot’s idea. Soobin can pine all he wants, but he knows the boundaries. A multitude of reasons prevent this line from ever being crossed.

He may have incredibly powerful feelings for you, but they’re hidden away and unable to reach the light of day. Not just because he has a strategy for you and Mingyu, but he is not an acceptable suitor because he doesn’t belong here, simply put. Earth is only a temporary stay on his list. And when he goes back and reports to Yeonjun of his success, who knows what will happen?

All he knows is that your paths will cross only once in his and your lifetime, and never again.

Soobin almost remains stuck in his misery until you walk up to him with an orange icing-colored dog bone treat in your hands. You hold it out to him with a shy smile. “For you.”

He smirks, taking the snack from you and rotating it between his fingers. “Isn’t this for the dogs, love?”

And the signature eye roll comes, your bottom lip between your teeth as you do it. “They’re organic. Anyone can eat them.” You look back at him directly, suddenly concerned. “You can eat, right?”

He chuckles. Nodding his head, he looks back at the snack. “Just not sure if I’ll like it.”

You stick your tongue out at him. “Just try it, please?”

Reluctantly, he bites down. Sweet potatoes and carrots, harmoniously blended, flood his mouth. The icing and pinch of cinnamon provides the perfect level of sweetness to round it all out, and Soobin groans. Even the dog treats the guy makes are perfect.

“Okay, it’s pretty great,” Soobin admits, taking another bite. “Even if they’re meant for dogs.”

You laugh and take a tiny corner for yourself. “At least you can say you’ve eaten a dog bone.”

Soobin’s tender smile makes you blush, and it stirs up all the feelings you’ve suppressed when you’re not in his presence. Mingyu’s a welcome distraction from it all. His looks and personality are undeniably attractive, but you always circle back to the angel in your midst.

Who can blame you? He’s ethereal, his magnetism undeniable. But that warmth he’s had from the first day you met is why you can only stay away for so long. He’s a part of your world now, and you can’t imagine that changing in the foreseeable future.

He’s made his place on Earth with you, and you dread the day he has to go back to where he belongs.

The end of January brings the last time for branches to stay vacant of leaves. You notice the small sprouts of leaves amidst the brown limbs as you and Soobin walk back to your house. You bite back a smile, and Soobin comments on it.

It’s like he clenches your heart between his fingers as he says it. “You always hide your excitement like nobody should be watching. Like it’s wrong to be happy about the little things.”

You blush while strolling beside him. “It’s not that I’m hiding it. Maybe I just don’t think anyone will get why I’m happy about certain things.”

Soobin bumps you with his shoulder, a close-mouthed smile on his lips. “Try me.”

You exhale a breath to get your bearings. “Okay, so everyone is always excited about the start of the new year. But then it’s like the excitement dies down and we just go on our merry way until the next holiday comes up. It’s not in the days for me. It’s the environment that always makes me feel the shift, you know?

“Like with animals, almost. The energy is unique, and I feel it when I see the colors and feel the temperature fluctuate.” You shake your head and tuck a stray hair behind your ear. “That may sound stupid, but—“

Soobin stops you on the open sidewalk, taking your hand in his. He looks into your eyes earnestly, wanting you to take his words to heart before he says them. “Nothing you’ve ever said to me is stupid, love. Every thought you have is beautiful because it’s yours.”

Like the town greenery, something shifts inside of you then. Even on the rest of the walk home and the talk over dinner about the day at the shelter, you sense an unfamiliar emotion swirling in the air between you and Soobin. You can’t name it, but it reminds you of the first blooms of spring, brimming with promise.

The first week of February comes in a tidal wave. Many people flood the animal shelter looking for the perfect furry friend to complete their family on the cusp of Valentine’s Day.

All you can hope for is that a majority of them, or at least fifty percent, don’t come back to the shelter after the holiday is over to return the animals looking for forever homes.

That was the one thing that bugged you the most about this job: biting your tongue at the obvious lack of responsibility people put into owning pets.

It holds more weight than anyone knows, bringing another being in your home to tend to like a child. The only difference is that many of them have histories that deserve more care than normal, and some don’t want to put in the right amount of effort.

You sit on these thoughts as Soobin holds the newest cat to the shelter in his hands. “Have you thought of a name for Mr. Cat yet?” Soobin inspects the spot near the cat’s tail. “Or Missus?”

You giggle and grab the clipboard with the cat’s information on it. “He’s a he, Soob. You can come up with a name.”

He ponders the choices, before his smile grows and he presses his nose to the cat’s. “How about Hyuka?” He rubs the back of the cat’s ears tenderly.

You grin at Soobin and brush your fingers over Hyuka’s fur. “I think it’s a perfect fit.”

Soobin looks over at you with bright eyes, his expression transforming into one that feels like the one you held that day so long ago when he called your thoughts beautiful. A question forms on his tongue, but it flits away the second Mingyu walks through the double doors of the animal shelter with a bouquet of daisies.

At least the jerk knows your favorite flowers, Soobin thinks to himself as he walks with Hyuka back to his block in the back room.

You smile at Mingyu and thank him for the flowers, immediately pressing your nose to them to inhale their smell. “They’re amazing, thank you.”

“My buddy Wonwoo is a florist, so don’t thank me too much. I got a discount even though I should’ve paid full price.”

“Can’t beat a couple bucks off.” You set the bundle down on your desk and cross your arms over the countertop. “I take it you’re not just here to deliver flowers?”

Mingyu chuckles and presses a hand to his neck, his toned biceps stretching out his shirt. “Actually, I was going to ask if you had any plans for Valentine’s.”

You stumble on your explanation, discussing the closure of the shelter for the holiday. “Well,” Mingyu starts, “I was thinking you could come by for dinner. And I promise it won’t just be me making you taste test cupcakes again.”

You laugh, but the sound falls flat. You had always been the one pining, yearning for the boy you liked to like you back. Being on the other side of the coin was not exactly ideal. “Mingyu, you know I appreciate you and I am flattered, but…”

Soobin.

You’re unsure how to continue, but Mingyu holds a hand up in understanding. “I get it. How about I make you a meal, anyway? Consider it a friend treating a friend for all of her hard work.”

You blush and nod. “I’d like that very much.”

You’re washing dried-up wet food from the cat bowls when Soobin walks up to you, his face red. By the time Mingyu left, you expected Soobin to come back to your side so you could wash the dishes together. You did it yourself, seeing as he took forever to come back. Soobin asks with a tone of authority, “What the hell are you thinking?”

You poke your cheek with your tongue, contemplating. “I’m thinking Hyuka’s chances of getting adopted before Valentine’s is about—“

“You know that wasn’t what I meant, love.” He says the pet name with annoyance as he drops one bowl into the sink next to you. His tone catches you off guard, not expecting to see Soobin angry for the first time like this.

“You asked me what I was thinking, and I’m telling you.”

“Why did you say no to the date?” Soobin asks, his eyes blazing with fury. Something without a name sits below though, you can tell.

“I, technically, didn’t say no. It’s just more friendly than romantic.”

“Do you expect me to find you another soulmate like this?” Soobin drops another dirty plate in the sink for you to clean up. You don’t know if the question is exactly for you or for himself.

The tension sits thickly in the air, the running tap the only sound for a good minute or two. “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” you respond, hoping to ease the awkwardness.

Your cheekiness makes Soobin chuckle deeply. You missed his laugh, you realize, not hearing the sound in a while. Not since before Mingyu came around. “What am I gonna do with you, love?”

You shrug and go back to washing the bowls, hiding your smile behind soap suds and dishwater.

Soobin’s leg shakes as he sits on your couch, watching the clock on the spot above your door. 10:49 PM. He’s been waiting for hours to welcome you home from your “friendly” date with Mingyu. Admittedly, he’s been waiting since the second you left, the night of Valentine’s Day on the forefront of his brain since he heard the meathead ask you to have dinner.

Minho and Key keep him company, the older animals in your horde understanding and patient while Soobin mopes around. The angel feels as impatient as Bori can be when she has to wait for dinner.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Soobin says to Key, the chihuahua’s overbite hanging almost like a taunt. “I’m not stewing.”

He’s definitely stewing. The animals must be saying to each other, conspiring about what will occur when their mother finally gets home.

And on the cusp of eleven, you walk into the house and unbuckle your heels. You watch Soobin on the couch, his hands fidgeting on his lap. “Have you been sitting there for three hours?” You ask in a cute tone that drives Soobin nuts.

“No, I made the animals dinner.” You set your bag on the iron wrack where your coats lie, and throw your shoes in some corner of the living room before Soobin continues with, “So, how was the date?”

You stride to the mirror, beginning to unclasp the flashy studs in your ears. “It was fine. Nothing special. Just two friends having dinner.”

“That’s all it was? No candles at the table, no romantic music, nothing?”

“Why are you so concerned, Soobin? I went out, I had fun, now I’m home.” Soobin’s not prepared to hear your voice so clipped and direct. Your frustration is usually a mask of humor or concern. Not genuine anger, like right now. You don’t look at him directly, continuing to remove your jewelry as your ire grows.

You try to de-escalate the argument by retreating to the kitchen, but he only follows you there. And moving back into the living doesn’t help either. “Stop following me, Soobin!”

“Stop running away,” he barks back.

“I will when you stop making a big deal out of this.”

“It is a big deal,” he says with a scoff. “And am I not allowed to worry about you and who you’re with?” He asks with a bite that matches your irritation.

“Why are you so concerned if Mingyu’s the person you wanted to set me up with in the first place?”

“Don’t ask me that question,” he whispers. His jaw tightens and his hands clam up, but you don’t give in. If he wants to finish the discussion, then you’ll continue to press him for an answer.

“Why? What kind of ‘proprietary information’ relates to how you feel about this? What does me going out with Mingyu and you being a complete ass about it have anything to do with top-secret intel?”

“I love you, alright?!” He yells, standing stock still as his veins pulse in his head and neck. His hands go to the messy strands of his hair, almost like he feels himself going crazy at his own confession. “I did not mean to, and it’s awful. I can’t give you the life you deserve. Someone like Mingyu or any other human man would be lucky to have you, yet I can barely stomach the thought of someone else getting to touch you in all the ways I wish I could. And it’s driving me insane.”

The confession knocks something loose inside of you, remaining inhibitions be damned if it means now that the feelings Soobin harbors mirror your own without a doubt.

You step closer to him, the tension almost too much to bear any longer. You press your hands to his neck, and bring him closer until your lips are a mere inch apart. “Nothing and nobody’s stopping you, Soobin.”

He takes a deep breath to hold himself back, grounding himself so he doesn’t do something that will upend both of your worlds. “You don’t know that, love.”

You chuckle softly. “Maybe not, but I do know that I love you too.”

When you brush his mouth with your own, every being in the universe, heavenly or not, ceases to exist in your mind. It’s only you and Soobin in your own world. You want to kick yourself for taking so long to seize this moment, this kiss, with him. For all of the reasons Soobin supplies as to why it’s wrong for the two of you to be together, this could not feel more right.

Soobin only gives himself a second of separation from you to catch his breath before he dives back in for one, two, three more kisses. He moans eagerly into your mouth. He tugs on the fabric of your dress to occupy his hands, his body hungry for any contact he can get.

Heavens do be damned, if it means he can keep you between his arms and against his lips.

Your back hits the bed as Soobin attaches his lips to your neck. The dogs scratch at the locked door of your bedroom, but you know they’ll give up after another minute of waiting for a result that will never come. You have other priorities to tend to.

Soobin’s lips and teeth mark you up as he travels along your skin with his mouth. He removes your dress and his shirt so your skin is in closer contact, the feeling of his every present warmth lighting you from the inside out. Your undergarments are still in the way, but you know they’ll be discarded soon.

“You do not know how many days I wished for this,” he mumbles into the spot between your breasts, his kisses setting you on fire to the point you can barely tell where he’s going next. He unclasps the clips holding your bra together, your top half now bare for his eyes to witness.

He marvels at the fullness of your chest before he takes one of your nipples into his mouth. He licks at the skin as he suckles. The action pulls a moan from your lips, your body thrusting up at nothing but open air.

“You can touch me in other ways, Soobin,” you gasp, taking his hand in yours and intertwining your fingers.

He blushes a deep crimson, releasing your nipple from his lips. “I don’t know how,” he admits.

You take his hand to guide lower to the top of your underwear, urging him to slip his hand inside. He does so, immediately finding the wetness of your folds against his fingertips. “You can move them around—just like that.”

He takes your advice and expertly finds your clit to take between his thumb and index finger. Your hips buck up into his touch, and he smirks against your lips. He asks, “Is this what you like?”

“Yes, please.” He takes your underwear off to freely glide his fingers in and out of you, three of the digits simultaneously filling you but leaving you aching for more. “Please, Soobin, please,” you beg.

“What do you want, my love? Don’t hold back.”

“I want you inside of me,” you confess. He listens to your request without question. Unbuckling his pants, his cock springs free to make your eyes linger to the bottom half of his body. You don’t guess for long what it feels like, as he immediately sinks into you to make your eyelids flutter.

“Holy shit,” you exclaim, pressing your hands to his lower back, pushing him in deeper until he’s filling you to the hilt.

“You feel amazing.” Soobin says the words against your lips as he thrusts for the first time. He pulls completely before slipping back in, groaning the entire way.

While you appreciate the slow movement of his body against yours, not too eager to rush the experience, you cling to him with eager fingers, hoping the message will come across. “Soobin, go faster.”

You’ve only ever been with two other men in your life, two lackluster experiences in college you wished to forget. All the time between now was just a waiting game, you only willing to go the distance when you felt it was with the right person. And it seems like all the failures in your history have led you to this perfect blip in time.

Like Soobin can read your mind, he slows down just enough so he can whisper to you, “It’s always been you. It’s only ever been you.”

You can’t help the tear that forms in your eye, but it’s quickly kissed away with Soobin’s lips on your cheek and, subsequently, your mouth.

“I’m gonna come, Soobin. Please don’t stop.” His hips work faster, his thumb pressing down and rubbing your clit harder, and you can barely feel your body before it lights up in every area.

Your toes curl, your mouth slacks, and your soul explodes as the pleasure overtakes you. You feel empty yet so full from the endorphins released from your orgasm.

Soobin continues to move his hips against yours. His pace stutters, signaling his own release. He captures his lips with yours as he spills inside of you, your body his to claim completely. Nobody has ever had you in this way—emotionally, mentally, physically.

When you tell Soobin “I love you,” you mean it in every facet of reality, your soul intimately linked with his otherworldly one.

“I love you too, my love.” He smiles like a bashful child, taking you into his arms and pulling you closer as the night continues on outside. When you again, bodies intertwined between your sheets, all that you wish for now is for the moment to last forever.

And when you fall asleep that night in his arms a few hours later, you pray to every god you can name that it never ends.

The expectation of waking up to the warmth of Soobin’s arms and kisses dies when you feel his empty side of the bed. You search the entire house , your dogs padding behind you as you search every corner for him.

To your terror and slowly breaking heart, he remains to be seen. Soobin is gone like he was never there to begin with, your house flooding with a chill that hits you to the core.

You crawl back into bed, naked and alone, tears streaming down your face. The only time you rise is to let the animals eat and use the bathroom. For the rest of the day, you remain in bed like a phantom. Half out of your body, half inside of it to feel every ounce of pain. Each shred of sadness reminds you that you still exist, and the man—angel—that you love is gone.

Yeonjun has his head in his hand when another pair of associates throw Soobin in front of his desk. Soobin put up an intense fight in the resulting scuffle to bring him back to the office above Earth, but he doesn’t regret it. The only thing he regrets is not leaving you with some sort of explanation, even something as little as a minute to tell you he loves you.

“When I approved your descent, I expected you to help your assignment. Not sleep with her.” Yeonjun sighs and reads over the paperwork at his desk. “The guys above me are gonna love this.”

“Jun, please.” Soobin falls down on his scraped knees and raises his hands in a prayer. “Let me just tell her—”

“What else is there to explain? You’ve clearly done enough.”

“I’m begging you—”

“You think I’m going to let you spend another second with her and make me look like an idiot? No.” He slams his hand on the desk. “If you’re lucky, Soobin, all the archangels will do is send you to the second circle of Hell. I’m surprised they’re not reprimanding me as your superior. You broke our greatest oath.”

Do not consort with humans, Soobin reminds himself as tears stream down his face. “I love her, Yeonjun. And you know she loves me. Didn’t I do my job? I found her a soulmate, just like she wished for.”

Yeonjun shakes his head with a sad smirk. “Don’t think you can get around our rules this time, Soobin. I just called you here to tell you the council will see you in the morning. Be grateful they’re giving you a chance to explain yourself.”

The angels that brought Soobin in drag him away to the lower cells of the building. As he’s pushed and pulled through dark hallways, Soobin has barely enough time to come up with a plan to fix what he’s ruined. Barely.

Your dream is almost the same as the one you envisioned months ago, the dark cavern welcoming you like an old friend. The fog of your transition from sleep to dreaming still pervades your senses. You barely have time to make out the details before Soobin has you wrapped in his arms, holding you so tightly that you feel the air knocked out of your lungs. “Thank God it worked.”

You sob immediately when you recognize Soobin’s voice and his arms around you. It’s like a magnet the way you gravitate to one another, not worrying if the dream will last a second or into eternity. You can barely remember the pain of being without him now that he’s in front of you.

You call his name as he kisses the crown of your hair. He backs you into the desk at the far end of the room, lifting you up by the legs to sit on its marble top. He trails his lips down until they meet your own, and he says so tenderly, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there when you woke up.”

Breaking into a fit of sad laughter, you run your hands through the hair at the nape of his neck. “I’m just happy you’re here with me now.” You kiss him again and again, until your lips feel bruised and sore.

Soobin sheds a tear and looks back into the night outside of his office door. “I don’t have long. They’ll bring me back to my cell soon. But I wanted to tell you I love you. And I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

“W-Why are you being punished? You did what you were s-supposed to,” you stutter, a mournful knot building in your throat.

“I fell in love with a human when I shouldn’t have,” he answers, another tear welling in his eye. “But it was worth every rule I broke. How could I regret finding my best friend?” Soobin smiles despite the pain that you two share.

You hiccup into his neck. “When will I see you again?”

“I-I don't know. But I’ll fix this,” he assures you, a steadfast determination in his expression.

“You don’t know that for sure, though,” you cry, heart ripping deeper at the seams with each word.

“I don’t, but for now, know that I love you. I love you more than my existence allows.” He kisses you one more time as the edges of your dream blur. “It’s only for now, I promise.”

When you wake tangled in the comforter on your bed, the morning sky bleeding through your window, you begin the torture of waiting for the person you love most in the world to come back to you.

TWO MONTHS LATER

For the past seven Fridays since Soobin left, you’ve stayed in and waited for the phone to ring or the doorbell to sound, any way to signify that he hasn’t broken his promise. You don’t bother going into work, trying to find any excuse to stay in the house.

Beomgyu tries to get you out, go on dates, avoid the aching hole in your chest, but he doesn’t understand. None of your friends do. They think he’s left without an explanation like another random asshole would, but they don’t understand how wrong they are.

They’ll never understand you’re waiting for the one who took your heart between his hands and still holds it to this day, even if you can’t see him for now.

For now. The words play in your mind on a loop, the sound of Soobin’s voice as vivid as the day he said them between kisses in your dream. It’s only for now, I promise.

This Friday, you take his words to heart and decide to go out. You walk Key and Bori, the morning sun turning into an afternoon sky clear of clouds. The warmer weather signals winter is giving way to spring, although you can still feel the chill in your bones.

When you bring the dogs back home, you’re still too restless to stay inside, too many memories in the house haunting you with Soobin’s presence.

You walk around the town streets, the memories of those you love the most filling your heart with a solemn nostalgia that edges out the parts of you that are still miserable. You and Beomgyu learning to ride bikes around the animal shelter. Your parents treating you to your first scoop of mint chocolate ice cream after you won gold at your spelling contest. The kiss you shared with Soobin in your living room, and all the kisses that followed.

Each one contains longing for the past, yet offers some hope for making fresh memories in the same spots. And even locations you haven’t discovered yet.

By the second trip around the blocks you know too well, nighttime rears its head. The city lights mark the street names and numbers with a yellow glow, the heavens above pitch black.

Your legs are sluggish, ankles sore from continuing through the world around you without stopping for rest, but no physical excursion compared to the mental expedition you’ve been on today, a microcosm for all of your tangled emotions for the past two months.

You almost give into the demands of your body when you hear the faintest sound of your name behind you. Turning on shaking limbs, you see the perfect contours and edges of the man you love in crystal clarity. His shoulders heave as his face remains wet with tears, his body on the verge of convulsing from the travel back to you.

Although every muscle strains and screams inside of you, you run towards him with all of your might and crash into his arms. The water on your cheeks mixes with his when your skin touches. He kisses each tear before he reaches your lips, his mouth tasting of salt and peppermint.

“I’m here. I’m here, my love.” He strokes your hair with his hand and runs the other across your back.

“I didn’t get to say I love you too, last time I saw you,” you say, the words tumbling over one another as you try getting them about. You’re crying and mumbling and it all feels incoherent, but you know every sound you emit is true.

Soobin chuckles, and you’re reminded how beautiful the sound of his laughter is. “You never had to say it back, my love. I already knew.”

Your heartbeat is erratic, but it doesn’t distract you from the fact Soobin’s heart seems to beat as well. A strong, even-tempered rhythm, one you’ve never heard before. You look him deep in the eyes, needing to hear the words on his lips. “Are you—“

His voice is still hoarse and tattered, but his smile is like the salve to all of your wounds. “I told you I would come back to you.”

You whimper, another tear escaping from your eyes. “You gave up everything for me? Your immortality, your friends, your—”

He presses a finger to your lips before running it over your cheek, his expression soft. “I completed my mission. And my everything is right here with me.”

You kiss his lips, all the I love you’s not enough to encapsulate every feeling and gift Soobin’s given you since he came into your life. You both may be on Earth, one old and one new human soul linked as one, but you know this is what it means to be higher than even the immensity of heaven.

@yvnempire @sjylouvre @mini-mews @jayparked @heesuncore @yoursjaeyun @sungbeams @jenoslutie @loserlvrss @pars-ley @lovetaroandtaemin @wonwovy @biteyoubiteme @jjunbug

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oddinary4bts · 7 months ago

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Chasing Cars | ch 12 (jjk)

☆summary: when your brother goes to study on a semester abroad, your life collides with his best friend Jeon Jungkook, who's coincidentally your roommate. Will you survive the collision, or will you crumble into dust?

☆pairings: brother's best friend!Jungkook x younger sister!female reader

☆rating: 18+ (minors DNI, some chapters have mature content)

☆genre: forbidden love?au, college!au, slice of life!au, smut, angst (as usual a lot of it), fluff

☆warnings: jungkook is stubborn and it leads to some sort of miscommunication?, reader feels cheated on, alcohol, clubbing, cursing, promises to exes fuck everything up basically

☆word count: 7.3k

☆a/n: new week, new angst-filled chapter :') I hope you guys still love it :') thank you to @moonleeai for beta-ing, you're the best <3

☆series masterpost

☆add yourself to the taglist here!

☆☆☆☆☆

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

☆☆☆☆☆

Saturday, May 4th

You’ve barely slept. Whenever you close your eyes all you can picture is Jungkook and Gabrielle. Gabrielle and Jungkook.

Just a friend from high school…

You don’t know why, but that lie is the one that hurts the most. Maybe because you thought he was opening up to you, telling you about his past, but he’d shrugged it off, lied about it like it was just second nature. It’s sour, bitter, and you think you might hate him for it.

You feel cheated on. You’re fully aware that you weren’t dating, that you were just a maybe, but you hate that it was taken from you just like that, in a stupid video call from your drunk brother…

It really does taste vile, bitter, sour, and everything in between.

Ria left earlier today. She had to work, but she told you to invite Yoongi or Nabi, to not isolate yourself. You don’t feel like seeing anyone - yes, you could be miserable with Yoongi, but you don’t want to hear the told you so that your friends will say in the aftermath of what happened last night.

Taehyung didn’t even text you once. You wonder if he saw you crying, before Ria hung up the call for you. If he did, you think he’s unbelievably cruel for not even texting you anything, but then again maybe that had been his plan all along. To show you Jungkook’s true nature, the one he’d hidden from you in the last few months.

Were there any other girls? If he’d so easily kissed his ex after just a few days in Paris, does that mean he might have easily done the same thing here, with other people?

You feel nauseous. Thinking about everything makes you feel nauseous.

As does the text that sits on your phone, sent early this morning, while you were in and out of your troubled sleep.

[4:23 am] JK: can we facetime tonight

You haven’t replied. You don’t even want to talk to him, or see his face. You don’t want those treacherous doe eyes to ever meet your gaze again and yet…

Yet you want some closure. You want to tell him off, to break him like he broke you, but that would be assuming he felt for you the way that you did. Which, you highly doubt since he kissed his ex like you’d never been in the picture to begin with.

You sigh, rubbing your face, trying to keep the tears in. They keep sneaking up on you, like you’re not done grieving for what could have been, and frankly, you don’t know if you’ll ever be. You reckon the first step in the right direction might be to seek that closure, to talk to him and be done with it, permanently.

You didn’t think there was a time when you’d have to be done with Jungkook. Everything that you were building, everything, now just rubbles that will slowly turn to dust.

And so you finally open your phone, heart squeezing uncomfortably as the conversation with him pops up. You ignore the texts from before yesterday night, those where you believed he was falling in love, too, and you reply,

[2:09 pm] You: sure at what time

You put your phone away after you press send, sighing deeply as if that might shake the weight of the world off your shoulders. You figure you should stop rotting in bed - it’s not like it’s helped make you feel better - and so you get up, heading to the kitchen.

You’re not hungry. You’re not hungry, but when you see the spicy ramyeon he bought to help train your spice tolerance, you can’t help but crave some. Because you don’t want to let him go, don’t want to let go of all of him. So you put some water on the stove, preparing the noodles as if that might change what happened last night.

It doesn’t. The only thing it does is make you realize that you’ve indeed improved your spice tolerance, as you eat and you barely even have to sniffle. It makes you sad, far too sad, because what was the point?

What was the point of developing a spice tolerance if you won’t eat with him anyway?

Tears pool in your eyes, and this time you don’t bother keeping them in. You let them flow freely, memories of him swirling in your mind. You think about every time he cooked for you - that first time on Valentine’s Day. You think about New York, about every night you’ve spent cuddled up in his arms.

There won’t be any new nights, any new memories. Everything that you and Jeon Jungkook once were is in the past now, to forever haunt you.

You push the noodles away. You’ve only eaten half of the bowl, but the thought of eating more makes you feel sick to your stomach. Instead, you drop your head on your arms on the table, body rocking with sobs.

You don’t even know why you’re crying so much. Why your body holds so much pain for what Jungkook did, when part of you had been expecting it all along. Yet you break and break, like you’re glass thrown from the roof of a building, exploding upon impact with the ground.

It takes a while before you stop crying, the post-tears clarity filling your brain. You straighten, wipe your cheeks and the snot on your upper lip, and then you get up. You throw away the rest of the noodles, and then walk back to your room, trying to hold onto the clarity.

You slow down in front of Jungkook’s door, imagining him to be behind. To never have gone to Paris…

It only makes you want to cry again, but you’re done crying.

You don’t want to be crying for someone that cheated on you.

You finally make it to your room. Your phone awaits you on the night table, face up to the ceiling so that you can see that Jungkook texted you multiple times. You steel yourself, grabbing your phone, and then read his texts.

[2:28 pm] JK: we’re at the restaurant rn [2:28 pm] JK: so maybe in an hour and a half? [2:29 pm] JK: we finally went to the catacombs today [2:29 pm] JK: you were right it’s hella creepy

It’s like he’s unaware that he broke your heart, that he destroyed the trust you had in him. It makes you think, did you imagine everything that happened yesterday?

Was it all just a nightmare?

You wish it was, but the tear stains on your sheets are proof enough that it truly happened.

[2:35 pm] You: call me whenever

You spend the next hour lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying to chase him out of your thoughts. Trying to figure out what you’ll tell him: there’s no way you’ll pursue a relationship with him now that that happened. But maybe he’ll have an explanation, reassurance that not everything was a lie…

You don’t know if that would make you feel better. Maybe relieved in some way, yes, but the throbbing in your chest would likely not be lessened by such reassurance. You fear it’d be worse. It would mean losing something that was real, and you don’t know if you’d survive it.

When your phone finally rings, you consider not picking up. You consider ghosting him, disappearing from his life before he has the power to hurt you more, but you’re weak for him.

Far too weak, and you pick up after a few seconds.

He’s obviously called on Facetime, and the moment he comes into view, a soft smile on his lips, you feel like you’re breaking all over again.

The last time you saw those lips they were pressed against another girl’s mouth.

“Hey,” he greets you.

You can’t find it in you to speak around the lump in your throat, so you just offer him a tight-lipped smile. He frowns, eyebrows almost touching over his eyes.

“Is something wrong?”

Of course he’d notice, but… is he that oblivious? Anger cuts through the sadness, and you raise your eyebrows.

“Don’t you have something to tell me?” you ask.

His frown deepens. “I…” he trails off, and then something changes in his demeanour. The frown disappears, his lips part and his eyes widen, filling with fear. “You… Is this about Gabrielle?”

You laugh, so bitterly you taste it on your tongue. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes?” he lets out.

He looks terrified. It’s a strange sight, and it makes unease settle deep in your stomach.

“Tae called me last night,” you reveal.

“Oh.” He pulls on his piercings, eyes dropping. “Oh.”

“What the fuck was that, Jungkook?”

Your question strikes him deep. You see it in the way his shoulders drop, like he’s burdened with the weight of the world.

“Nothing happened,” he tries.

But he doesn’t meet your gaze.

“I saw you kissing her,” you spit. “Don’t fucking lie to me.”

“Peach…”

You scoff, yet the nickname brings tears to your eyes. “What the fuck was that?” you ask again, and you hate that your vision is turning blurry, hate the way that you are so completely, irreversibly weak for him.

“It really isn’t what you think it is,” he says.

“You spent the evening locked up in a room with her.”

He closes his eyes, and his phone shifts just enough so that you see his surroundings better. He’s in a park from the looks of it, much like he’d been when you’d facetimed on Wednesday.

“I promise it really isn’t what you think it is,” he insists. He meets your gaze, his big doe eyes so pained you almost want to believe him.

You sigh deeply, and a single tear falls on your cheek. You dry it with the back of your hand. “What was it then?”

A muscle feathers on his jaw as he clenches it, yet he remains silent. His lips stretch in a thin line, horror filling his gaze.

“I really thought…”

You can’t finish the sentence. I really thought we’d work. You can’t finish it, as your heart breaks and breaks and breaks until you’re back to where you were last night, struggling to breathe as you’d watched him kissing her.

“I made a promise to her years ago,” he admits, his voice wobbly. “I can’t tell anyone, but I swear, peach, it’s not what you think it is. I’d never do that to you.”

“But you did!”

His mouth opens and closes a few times, like he wants to say something but can’t.

“I can’t…” you trail off because you don’t want to say it.

You don’t want to be the one to kill the relationship when it hasn’t even started yet. Though you reckon he killed it when he kissed her.

“I can’t be with you,” you whisper, as if the words can’t be uttered aloud.

“Peach…”

“Stop calling me that,” you burst. “Stop fucking calling me that when you basically cheated.”

He frowns, his jaw clenching again. “We weren’t even exclusive.”

“Excuse me?”

Undiluted rage consumes every inch of your body, taking away the pain. All there is is the blaze of anger, and it burns and burns until you think you might turn to embers.

“I don’t know why I said that,” he immediately replies, eyes so wide he looks like a deer in headlights. He takes a deep breath and swallows as the movement of his Adam’s apple shows. “Please just trust me on this.”

“No, Jungkook,” you say. “I can’t trust you when it took you all of a few days with your ex to end up kissing her.” You close your eyes, shaking your head. “You told me Gabrielle was just a friend.”

“And she is!” he says. “She really is, peach. She’s nothing like you.”

“Why the fuck did you kiss her then?” you ask, blinking away tears the second you open your eyes again.

“She kissed me,” he answers. “She kissed me when Tae opened the door. I didn’t even know he was on the phone with you.”

“You’re aware that it sounds like lame-ass excuses?” You scoff, shaking your head again. “I can’t fucking believe you. I should have listened to Colton.”

You see the blow that it is to him. His waterline turns silver, and he clenches his jaw hard. His shoulders drop even more, and you think you hear the sound of breaking.

You doubt he deserves to be breaking over his own mistakes.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “Peach, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you as soon as I’m home, and then we can…”

“There’s no we,” you interject. “There’s no we anymore.”

“Please.” He’s begging. You never thought you’d see a day when Jeon Jungkook would beg for you, and it hurts fiercely, replacing the anger.

You’re on a roller coaster, and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to get down.

“What did you promise her, Kook?” you ask, your voice infinitesimally small.

He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I promised her I’d never tell anyone. So I can’t tell you.”

You’re crying again, though this time it sweeps in softly, gently. No rocking sobs, no shaking hands. Just tears, heavier than the sun, rolling down your cheeks.

“Then there is no we anymore,” you whisper.

Because you can’t be in the shadow of his ex. There can’t be secrets between the two of you - especially not when his parents want him to marry her.

“Peach, please.”

“Stop, Jungkook.” You shake your head as more tears spill from your eyes. “Stop.”

“But I can’t lose you,” he says, and you think you spy a tear on his cheek too.

It feels out of place, like it’s a waterfall in the desert, or maybe oxygen in space.

“I can’t be with someone who keeps secrets from me, Jungkook.” You pause, taking a deep breath in to give yourself courage.

“But it’s just…” he trails off, and you watch as defeat takes over him.

You wonder if he ever had to fight for anyone before. If he even has it in him to do it. Though you don’t think you’d want to be with him even if he fought for you.

Not after last night.

“It really is nothing,” he finishes, though he sounds just as unconvinced as you are and that, most of all, tells you that it is truly over.

You and Jeon Jungkook weren’t meant to be together in this universe after all. You should have known - you saw the signs and chose to ignore them. Maybe because your pink-tinted glasses coloured the red in such a way that it became the most beautiful colour you’d ever seen.

But now that the glasses are gone, you think, were you just blindsided all along?

“Have fun on the rest of your trip, Jungkook,” you whisper.

“Peach…”

“Do not ever call me that again,” you say softly, but you mean it.

You can’t afford him calling you that.

He tries your name, but you shake your head no. He curses underneath his breath, clearly unaware that he did it loud enough for you to hear, and then says, “So that’s it?”

You shrug, like you don’t care at all when in reality it’s taking everything in you not to break down right now. “That’s it,” you confirm. “We don’t even have to tell Tae.”

He nods. “Okay.”

Okay.

Everything, crashing down into a single flat word. Everything, ending on a note of heartbreak that rings and rings in your head until you think you might go insane.

You should have known you weren’t the muse behind the song, behind the poem and the art. You’d always been meant to break away, weren’t you?

You don’t remember hanging up. All you remember is staring at your reflection on the screen, and the sound of your breaking heart in the background.

*****

The thing with the end, it’s that it never really is just the end. The end of something is the beginning of something else, and sometimes the new beginning is better, sometimes it’s worse.

You think beginning your life post-Jungkook in a club might be good. The distraction of the flashing lights, loud music and alcohol is an effective one, yet you know it for what it truly is: escapism.

You don’t know how Ria and Nabi convinced you. You do like clubbing, but Nabi hates it. So maybe it was the fact that she suggested it, that she said it’d be fun that made you want to go. You even invited Yoongi, but Yoongi said he wanted to have a night in, so it’s just you girls tonight, and you reckon it has to be enough.

You follow Nabi past the coat check, waiting for Ria as she drops off her own jacket. A few seconds later Ria meets with you, and she hooks arms with you both to head towards the bar.

“Let’s get some shots before we go dancing,” she suggests, almost screaming so that you can hear her over the sound of the music.

“Dancing?” Nabi lets out.

“What do you think clubbing is for?” Ria teases, and you offer a half-hearted smile at that.

In other circumstances you likely would have laughed, but a smile is a good start, no?

“I don’t know,” Nabi grumbles.

You reach the bar, and you stand behind a group of four guys who are also waiting for shots, or so it seems. You glance at them, and your gaze meets that of the one who’s leaning against the bar, looking your way. You politely smile out of reflex, looking away a second later as you try to focus on Ria and Nabi’s now surprisingly heated discussion about the pros and cons of clubbing.

You think clubbing is good. Clubbing is empty mind, busy body, and right now it’s all you need.

It’s all you need not to run back to the Facetime call this afternoon, and the finality of Jungkook’s path in your life.

You close your eyes, take a deep breath and slowly let it out. Though your heart is aching - it hasn’t stopped since this afternoon - you’ve been good at ignoring it. At pretending that you’re fine, that you didn’t lose something that mattered to you far more than you should have let it to begin with.

You don’t think Jungkook deserved the devotion you had for him. Not when lying to you, when refusing to tell you the whole truth is more important to him. And you’ve gone down a spiral after the call. Stalking Gabrielle on social media, understanding why he kissed her in the first place.

If you were even a little bit gay, you too would probably want to kiss her. She’s attractive, elegantly so, in the same way that all people who are born into old money are. She’s from the same universe as Jungkook, has a beautiful smile and striking green eyes that you can only envy. Her hair - somewhere between blonde and red - is also amazing, probably because she has the money to maintain a good hair care and skincare routine.

You do have your own skincare routine too, but nothing that having a lot of money can pay for.

“Hey, you girls want shots?” one of the guys says, mostly in your direction.

Maybe because Ria and Nabi are still bickering next to you.

“Huh…” you let out, heart momentarily stumbling in your chest as you look at Ria next to you.

You nudge her, and she finally acknowledges the guy, staring him up and down once before smiling her ‘I’m on a mission’ smile. It works right away: the guy smirks, extending a hand for her to shake.

“I’m Jacob.”

She unhooks her arms from yours and Nabi’s, shaking his hand. “Ria. And this is Y/n and Nabi.”

You nod your head and wave weakly in greetings, and Jacob mirrors the motion before setting his gaze on Ria again.

“So, do you want them shots or not?” he asks.

She tilts her head to the side prettily. “Sure, we’ll take them.”

And that’s how you find yourself downing shots with guys that look straight out of a frat - Jacob, Chad, Elijah and Lucas. Lucas is the one who smiled at you earlier, and he easily finds his way to your side as you drink the shots.

After that first round, Lucas suggests a second one, and you all end up downing Jaggerbombs, the sweetness of the Red Bull contrasting the taste of the alcohol in just the right way. Ria suggests heading to the dancefloor next, and no amount of pleading gaze from you and Nabi makes her change her mind.

She truly is on a mission, and you think it might be partly because she needs to stop thinking about Seokjin. Not that you would ever tell it to her face though.

You end up dancing with Nabi, both of you slightly uncomfortable with the unknown males. In another world, you’d probably be dancing with Lucas, indulging in his company, but right now the last thing you want is to sidle close to a man.

Pretending isn’t making you forget how, just a little under a week ago, you were breathing Jungkook in like he could be the oxygen in your lungs.

You tense. You fucking tense, and Nabi immediately notices, leaning in to say in your ear, “Everything okay?”

You shrug. “I’d do without the guys, but I guess it was to be expected with Ria in a club.”

Nabi winces, offering you an apologetic look. “Do you want to go?”

“No,” you say, shaking your head. You even snort at the way her features fall in disappointment. “Do you?”

“I don’t know,” she admits.

The song ends, blending into another one, and you pull her to the side as a girl walks behind her, parting your group.

“Do you want to go to the bathroom?” you suggest.

She pouts, looking up to the ceiling as if in deep thought, then nods her head enthusiastically. “Yup, let’s do that.”

You chuckle, and then you pull her towards Ria. Ria glares at you when you pull her away from Jacob, yet leans in when you make to speak to her.

“We’re going to the bathroom,” you tell her.

You don’t give her a choice. You grab her hand, pulling her behind you as Nabi leads the way to the bathroom.

The music isn’t as loud in the hallway, the red lights giving Nabi’s white top a tint that makes it just a little creepy. There’s already a line, and you stand at the end of it, turning to face Ria.

“Can we do no guys tonight?” you ask her.

Her mouth falls open. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think-”

“Don’t worry about it,” you reassure her.

She still looks apologetic, and it lingers for longer than just the bathroom trip - you have to pull her in a dance after you’ve taken more shots for her to stop looking forlorn. She’s reluctant at first, pouting, and you pull her closer.

“What’s wrong?” you ask.

“I’m really sorry,” she repeats. “I’m so dumb sometimes.”

You offer her a scolding look. “You’re not. Besides, it’s mostly for Nabi that I asked that.”

Ria glances towards Nabi, who’s dancing next to you but completely oblivious to the conversation. “Right.”

And that is that. Ria recovers her playful mood, and you dance and laugh and drink with your friends. You think Jungkook slips out of your thoughts on the fourth shot you down, and by the sixth, your mind is swimming in way too much drunk bliss to even feel the ache in your chest. It’s liberating - you feel like a bird who’s flying for the first time, and so you cling to the feeling as best as you can.

Nabi decides to leave before you and Ria, Namjoon picking her up on his way back from Yoongi’s place, where they apparently gamed together. You don’t care - you’re drunk enough to want to ride into the sunrise, to party until it’s light outside and the world has forgotten about your existence.

Luckily for you, Ria is one for such parties as well, and so you dance and dance and dance, taking another shot ten minutes after Nabi left.

This time, when Ria pulls you back towards the group of guys, you follow her grudgingly. You even let the dancing tide push you closer to Lucas, who leans in and says, “Hey you”, in a way that makes you think maybe true solace lies in another person’s lips.

It’s early. Far too early. But you’re also far too drunk to care, and so when he pulls you closer to dance with him, you let him do so. You let him sway your hips to the music, let him lean his forehead against yours. Your eyes flutter shut, and you breathe in the same air, and the rhythm is everlasting.

You sigh in contentment. You’re back in New York, back at that DJ show you’d attended with Jungkook. It’s his hands you imagine on your hips, his breath that you breathe in, his sweaty forehead that rests against yours.

It’s him. Because it’ll always be him.

He kisses you, and you kiss him back, hands grabbing at his shirt. He kisses you all wrong - the lack of piercings a stark contrast to your usual.

It hurts. It hurts, and the hole in your chest gapes open wide.

You pull away from the kiss, eyes snapping open to see Lucas’s startled face. His eyes are brown, but they’re not Jungkook’s shade. And he doesn’t have that small scar on his left cheek, or the eyebrow piercing. He doesn’t have the mole under his mouth, or the doe eyes that you fell in love with.

“Shit,” you let out.

“Did I do something I shouldn’t?” Lucas asks, and he lets go of you immediately, as if you burn him.

“No,” you reassure him, yet panic is swelling in you, like the tide when the moon is high. “I just…” You shake your head, letting out a sound you know to be a broken sob. “Just got out of a relationship.”

“Babe,” Ria says from behind you, stepping in between you and Lucas. “Everything okay?”

“I want to go home,” you tell her.

She doesn’t know that you mean to him. She can’t know - you can’t even allow yourself to think so. Yet you can’t help it, the alcohol inhibiting the control you had on your emotions until you’re crying on the dancefloor, just a heartbroken twenty-something who might have flown too close to the sun.

“Please,” you add when she doesn’t react, just looks at your tears like they are foreign entities.

But then she snaps out of her drunken daze, and she pulls you away from the dancefloor, away from the reminders of Jungkook. She helps you get your coat while you sniffle to the side, your eyes red-rimmed. And then she helps you get into the Uber home, holding your hand all the way.

She walks you up to your apartment, but the second you’re inside Jungkook is everywhere, and you need the loneliness. You need to be alone, you need to be able to indulge one last time. So you reassure her, tell her that you’ll be fine, that you can hang out tomorrow, and then you push her out the door.

It takes you thirty minutes to shower and take your makeup off, and another five minutes trying to convince yourself that you should sleep in your bed.

You lose the fight, and you fall asleep in Jungkook’s bed, crying softly as his scent wraps around you like the embrace of a ghost gone too soon.

Tuesday, May 7th

You’ve slept in Jungkook’s bed every day since Saturday, chasing him like you used to chase cars around his head. This morning, when you woke up, you made the bed, took one last look into this part of your life and then closed the door behind you like you’ll ever forget the hours you spent tangled up with him, fast asleep or losing yourself in him.

He’s coming back today. Taehyung is coming back today, and though you’d once wished for Tae’s return, now you’re dreading it. You don’t want to see him, don’t want to see Jungkook, or Jimin, or Sera, or even Ariane.

You want to rewind time to the week before Jungkook left, but life doesn’t work that way, does it?

You finish work late, a while after they’ve returned from their trip. And maybe you sit in the car for a long time also, dreading the moment you’ll have to go in.

[2:39 pm] bröther👽: just landed [3:47 pm] bröther👽: it was a shitshow but we’re home [3:48 pm] bröther👽: ari is going to stay at ours for a few days [3:48 pm] bröther👽: we’re planning dinner? are tacos ok [4:31 pm] bröther👽: yeah so it’ll be tacos

You haven’t replied to any of the texts. You want to tell him that you’re good, that you’ll spend the evening locked up in your room anyway, but you can’t bring yourself to do so. In some twisted way, you want to see Jungkook, want to see if this is affecting him the same way that it’s affecting you.

You reckon that might make you a bad person.

You sigh, leaning your head back against the headrest. A car passes in the street, its headlights illuminating you for a few seconds before it’s gone, the dim neon light of the streetlights returning.

You’re aware you can’t stay here forever. You have to go home, have to walk up the stairs and see Jungkook again. And so you take a deep breath, close your eyes for a few seconds so that you can steel yourself, and then you throw the car door open.

You can’t stop, can’t slow down. So you practically jog up the stairs after you’ve slammed the car door shut, locking it over your shoulder. And then you burst into the apartment, hands trembling as you still there to notice Taehyung and Ariane in the living room, lounging on the couch.

Jungkook’s bedroom door is closed, and you’re not sure if it’s a relief.

“Y/n!” Taehyung bursts, and he gets up from the couch to jog to you, immediately engulfing you in a bear hug.

You hug him back, fists closing around handfuls of his shirt, and you hide your face in his shoulder so that he can’t see the tears pricking at your eyes.

“Tae,” you whisper back. “How have you been?”

“Good,” he answers. “Happy to be back though.”

He pulls away, grabbing your purse from your hand so that he can drop it on the table by the door. You busy yourself with taking off your shoes, feeling shy under Ariane’s watchful gaze. She smiles at you when you look her way, and you smile back, offering her a small, polite nod. She gets up from the couch, walking your way so that Taehyung can properly introduce you.

She’s nice. She’s a warm person, and you feel the kindness oozing from her after just a few sentences exchanged. You know you’ll like her, and you’re relieved Taehyung finally found someone to make him forget his ex from high school.

As Ariane insists on cooking tacos for you all, you think she’s far better than Taehyung’s ex anyway. You do feel bad that she’s cooking at your apartment, but she says she loves cooking, and that you should just enjoy your brother’s return for now.

As she cooks, you and Taehyung sit at the table, telling each other stories from the last few months. Evidently you avoid mentioning Jungkook, instead focusing on what was going on in your friend group. Taehyung pulls Ariane into the conversation once in a while, and she admits she chose to do a semester in Paris because her grandfather was French, and he’s the one who chose her name.

It’s a comfortable conversation, a moment that almost makes you forget that Jungkook is hiding in his room, doing whatever it is that he’s doing. Thinking about him makes your heart strain in your chest, and you mindlessly massage the spot, as if that might chase the ache away.

What does help is when you decide to get up to actually help Ariane, and you take care of setting the table and preparing the lettuce. It busies your mind a little, and though you’re still speaking with Ariane and Taehyung, you manage not to let your thoughts wander back to a certain doe-eyed man.

You’re sitting down to eat when Taehyung finally mentions the elephant in the room, saying, “Should we ask JK if he wants anything?”

Ariane chuckles. “Feel free if you want to deal with him.”

You hope they don’t hear you gulp, and you innocently say, “What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s been weird for a few days,” Taehyung answers. “He’s been short with everyone, and he refuses to talk when we ask him what’s wrong.” Taehyung pauses, furrowing his brow. “Why?”

You shrug. “Just wondering.”

Can he hear your heart beating out of your chest? You definitely can, and it’s pumping in your ears, making you feel dizzy.

The knowledge that Jungkook hasn’t been doing well hurts far more than you expected it would. It’s like you just got stabbed right in the heart, and you’re bleeding out where you’re sitting at the table, on Taehyung’s left.

You avert your gaze, looking at the bowls on the table, eyes focusing on the steam rising from the cooked ground beef. You act like you don’t care - you grab a taco shell, and immediately start to prepare your meal, while a strange silence stretches.

It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and Taehyung flees by getting up and heading to Jungkook’s room. You hear him knocking on the door, and you can’t help but strain your ears as you try to hear what they’re saying.

“You hungry?” Taehyung says after you’ve heard the door opening.

“Not really,” Jungkook replies, and hearing his voice is shattering, wrecking, like the car you were riding just smashed into a wall at full speed.

Your eyes fill with tears, which you furiously blink away hoping that Ariane doesn’t notice. She’s luckily looking towards the hallway though, and you successfully clear your gaze before she turns again.

“I think he’s upset because of Gaby,” she comments as she starts making her own taco. “He started being like this when she stopped hanging out with us.”

Right. Ariane is Gabrielle’s friend. Her best friend even, if what Taehyung said is true.

You’re not so sure anymore if you’ll be able to get along with Ariane after all.

“Ah,” you flatly let out. “That sucks.”

She shrugs her shoulders. “He’ll get over it. Gaby said he’s the one that broke up with her anyway.”

You gulp around the lump in your throat, and though your hunger has entirely vanished, you bite into the taco so that you don’t have to talk.

It works, and you eat in silence as Taehyung walks back into the room, exchanging a knowing glance with Ariane. He sits back down between the two of you, and then he’s making his taco too, and though the atmosphere is awkward, you don’t have to partake in any more conversation.

You force yourself to eat a second taco, knowing Taehyung would tell you off if you don’t considering you usually eat at least three, if not more. It’s sickening, and you’re on your last bite when Jungkook appears in the door frame.

Your gazes immediately meet, and everything seems to stop around you, to disappear from existence. There’s just you and him, and you take in his dishevelled appearance, the dark circles under his eyes and the hollowness of his gaze.

All light has gone out from his eyes, replaced by shadows and darkness you recognize far too well.

They’re haunting your own eyes, too.

“I’m heading home for the summer,” he tells no one in particular, though his gaze doesn’t leave yours.

Like he’s trying to take everything in one last time, trying to commit you to memory like you’re doing with him right now.

Though you don’t want this to be a memory. You want to remember his lips on your skin and the light in his eyes and the way he’d always hold you close. You want to remember what it felt like to be his – or to believe you were. You don’t want any of the heartbreak, but it takes over everything, and your gaze drops to the table.

“What?” Taehyung lets out. “Right now?”

Jungkook nods. “My father needs help with his company.”

“We literally got home like six hours ago,” Taehyung points out. “Shouldn’t you get some sleep first?”

“I’m good,” Jungkook says. “It’s not that long of a drive.”

It actually is. It’s nearly four hours, and you highly doubt Jungkook’s father asked for help. Or maybe he did. Maybe Jungkook lied about his strained relationship with his family to get you to…

You stop the train of thoughts. He didn’t lie. You were there, and you saw it with your own two eyes.

You force yourself to meet his gaze again - his eyes haven’t left you. He offers you the saddest smile you’ve ever seen on his lips, and his gaze fills with words unsaid. You can almost taste them on the sharp inhale of breath you take, and you want to tell him to stay.

You want to tell him that you’re in love with him. But it’s too little too late, and so you swallow the confession, shove it down until you can forget its existence.

He nods, like he knows then that you truly are over, and then he says, “I’ll see you guys soon.”

You watch him go - your heart goes with him, and you feel like you’ll cave in on the emptiness in your chest.

Taehyung follows him to the door, leaving you alone with Ariane. This time, she doesn’t miss the agony on your features, and she asks, “Are you okay?”

You sit back in your chair, nodding once, yet you answer, “I don’t know, I feel sick.”

She offers you a kind smile. “You don’t need to eat anymore,” she reassures you. “You’ve worked all day, maybe you just need some rest.”

“Maybe,” you repeat flatly. “Let me just clean up the table.”

She stops you with a hand on your wrist. “Tae’s not done, I’ll get him to take care of it. Just go to bed.”

You nod curtly, and you hope she doesn’t see the silver lining your gaze, threatening to spill over. You do put your plate away in the sink, to be washed later, and then you head to your bedroom, seeking the cool reprieve of your own safe haven.

You can’t help yourself, glancing towards the door as you leave the kitchen. Jungkook is already outside, and Taehyung is speaking with him leaning against the door frame. You think it’s a relief you can’t see Jungkook from here - you’d probably have broken down right then and there, and you doubt you would have survived the embarrassment.

You lean against the door of your bedroom once you’re finally in, and you take a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut. When Jungkook’s pained features appear behind your eyelids, you immediately open your eyes again.

There’s a box on your bed, next to a folded piece of paper. Curiosity replaces the agony in your chest momentarily…

Until you see your name on the folded piece of paper, and realize what this is.

Tears fill your eyes so quickly this time around that you can’t stop them, and they fall freely on your cheeks as you take a wobbly step forward.

He’s left you a letter. And the box is clearly a jewelry box - there’s something so strange about the sight that it breaks your heart all over again, until the throbbing in your chest is so stark you barely can feel the paper as your hands reach for it, unfolding it carefully.

Your vision is blurry behind your tears, and as you see he’s written lines and lines of words for you, you let out a broken sob as you sit on your bed.

It takes you five minutes before you’re actually able to read, and you read it so many times you think you know the letter by heart.

Hey peach, I know you asked me not to call you that. I promise this is the last time, and I’ll never bother you with that name again. I just didn’t know how to start this letter… I hope you’ve been doing okay. The last few days have been shit for me, and I feel really fucking guilty for everything. I wish it’d never happened, I wish I’d come home to you so that we could tell Taehyung about us… but as you said, there is no us anymore. Thank you for the few months we spent together. You taught me a lot about myself, and I really enjoyed spending time with you. I’ll look back fondly on the memories I have of us. I really want to apologize. For everything that I did. I wish I’d never gone to Paris. I’m sorry that I left, and that I let old promises to Gabrielle ruin what was between us. I’m sorry I wasn’t more upfront about how I felt for you too. It was all just so new to me, and I thought we had a long while ahead of us to figure everything out… I’m sorry that I was wrong. I don’t expect this letter to change anything. I just wanted to let you know how I feel, and I don’t think I would be able to speak to you face to face. Maybe that makes me a coward, but it is what it is. I got you a gift in Paris, before things went to hell. I couldn’t bring myself to return it or keep it, so I hope you enjoy it. You don’t have to keep it either, I just wanted you to still have it. Finally, I hope you have a nice summer. I hope you have fun, and I hope you find someone that treats you the way that you deserve. Someone Taehyung would approve of hopefully! You deserve it more than you can imagine. Take care, Jungkook

Your gaze is blurry behind the tears again, yet you manage to blink them away. You think, maybe you’ve run out of tears. Maybe you’ll go dry and desiccated like you died in the desert, and you think, maybe you deserve it.

You’ve never received a love letter. And though Jungkook didn’t confess, you feel like perhaps you’re holding his heart in your hands like he’s holding yours in his. Perhaps he did care for you, perhaps Gabrielle really was just a momentary mistake.

You take a deep breath in, and though it’s shaky, it does ease some ache in your heart. Not everything - the hole is still gaping wide open, and you reckon only time can fix it.

You put the letter down, picking up the jewelry box instead. Your hands are still trembling, yet you manage to open it to reveal a thin, shiny gold chain. The pendant that sits on the velvety cushion breaks you all over again, yet you don’t hesitate before putting it on.

Your fingers, suddenly steady, secure the necklace around your neck, and then your hand falls to the pendant.

The peach sits light in your palm, a reminder of what your relationship with Jungkook should have been.

Prev | Chapter 12.5 | Next

☆☆☆☆☆

:'''''') the letter right? Did I cry writing it? Yes I did. Did I cry the fifteen times I've reread it? Yes, I also did. What did you guys think of this chapter?:')

#chasing cars ch 12 #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook fic #jungkook #jjk smut #jjk angst #jjk fluff #jjk x you #jjk x reader #jjk fic #jjk #jeon jungkook #btswritersclub #chasing cars #chasing cars series

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moonlight-prose · 4 months ago

Note

I either want to tend to Gabriel’s wounds or make some with my nails 😏

bound in the strands of permanence

a/n: knowing how intense his battles get when monster hunting, he must be so numb to the pain. because of course he is. it's been centuries of life, countless wounds, and he's unable to stop from wanting that infliction back. but in a different way. i really just word vommitted cause this was meant to be a drabble. my bad.

summary: he walked with monsters in the night, claiming their lives for a vendetta placed upon him by the church. but he found peace in daylight with the touch of your healing hands.

word count: 1.9k+

pairing: gabriel van helsing x f!reader

warnings: EXPLICIT SO MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY!!, love, tending to wounds, pain kink, masochism, tw: blood, breeding kink, p in v sex, rough sex, they're unhinged and in love, dirty talk, forever.

Pain was inconsequential in the grand scheme of being God's right hand. Immortality ran through his veins like a poison without an antidote. He couldn't necessarily die. People have tried, monsters have nearly succeeded, but death never asked for him to deign its doorstep.

He was bound to life on a planet riddled with evil—destined to drag each horrid creature to the pits of hell with him.

But pain was a different matter altogether.

After so many wounds, knives, bullets, arrows, he could no longer register the nerves that stretched to and fro beneath his body. They were there. Unmistakable with the phantom aches and near deaths that still plagued his eternal soul. But remembering why they came to be eventually rescinded to the back of his mind—an afterthought to all the detriments of his waking life.

Years went by before he dared to ask someone for help. But a particularly nasty wound to his shoulder was out of reach even for him. Which is how he came to stumble onto your small quarters in the furthest reaches of the Vatican.

There were other healers, other doctors who could have easily stitched up his wound. But you weren't a member of the church.

He found that ironic.

Neither of you mentioned how long it'd been since he stumbled through your doors, shoving a bag of coins into your hand, before falling onto the cleared wooden table meant for patients in the city. Not that either of you couldn't remember it. Two years, three months, and two brand new flesh wounds that barely needed wrapping.

Yet he still came anyway.

"Turn into a beast again?" you questioned, wrapped the cloth tight along his scarred abdomen.

He smiled, shuddering at the icy touch of your hands. "That was one time."

"One time too many."

"And if it hadn't of happened I wouldn't have a reason to come here."

You scoffed, tying the knot painfully, relishing a bit in the harsh grunt he let out. "You don't need a reason to come see me Gabriel."

"It's impolite to knock on a lady's door this late without a reason." He shook his head, unconsciously sliding his hand over yours that remained on his wound. "I'm not one to mistreat a lady."

"I'm hardly that. They won't even let me in the fucking church–"

Sharp eyes dragged up to your face, glaring at the pout in your lips that formed a curse. He may have been a man who found your way of life refreshing, but he was still devoted to the God above. Your mouth curled into a wry smile—hand moving to tip his chin up. To remove his gaze and place it where you wanted him to truly look.

"It's not right how they treat you," he rasped.

The familiar dark cloud of grief began to drip into his iris, shrouding his once sharp gaze that pierced each part of your soul. They called him God's right hand. The man who was sent from the heavens above. You merely thought of him as the man who gripped your heart in an iron fist—reluctant to let you go.

"I'm not one of you."

He sighed. "You could be."

"Only through the binds of marriage would I enter that place and even then, I don't entirely wish to follow rules not made of my own volition."

"Marriage," he mumbled, eyes dropping to the lip you worried between your teeth. "To whom, if I may ask?"

"To no one."

"Why?"

The way he looked at you is what threw you off guard. Intense, without boundaries that may have been set in place for other patients. He weeded out your deepest fears and silently vowed to rip each one apart with his bare hands. Monsters walked beside him in the night, but Gabriel Van Helsing was doomed to wander the daylight alone. Yet he found...he didn't want to anymore.

"If I were to ask..."

Your knees almost buckled - the weight of his inquiry slamming directly into your chest. "Ask me what?"

Gabriel looked at you as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. As if nothing felt more right than the words about to spill from his lips. To be bound to a soul meant permanence in the eyes of his God, and how lovely it might be.

To have someone he could be permanent with.

"To marry me darling."

There remained an answer to this madness. A final solemn vow you might have otherwise been able to say. But his confession hung in the air like a cloud that refused to dissipate with the change in weather. When had he fallen in love? When had he finally relented to the ache that built in his chest?

When did he realize that he came here at night for you and not for his wounds?

You wanted to give him something in return—a promise that could outlast all that threatened to rip him from you.

So you kissed him. You dragged him close—your hand tangling in his hair—and caught his lips in a kiss that damn near threw him off the table. He didn't expect to finally taste you, his heart hammering an unsteady beat in his chest. But he certainly wasn't about to complain. He met your actions in kind, gripping onto the flesh of your hips with a soft groan.

His tongue met yours—hesitance bleeding through each action—and when he found no resistance he finally devoured what he hungered for. Standing to his full height, he licked into your mouth, his hand gripping the back of your neck painfully to keep you close. Neither of you even registered what happened when he crowded you against the heavy wooden door sealed shut with a lock.

"Gabriel," you sighed, bending to let him drag his tongue down your throat.

"Say yes," he growled, rucking up your skirts as you worked the belt of his pants still coated in grime and dust. "Marry me. Be mine forever."

"God above." A gasp tore from your chest when he notched his dripping cock at your entrance.

He held you there, fixing his gaze on your face, even as you tried to drag your hips forward. "Darling."

"I want..."

"What?"

A moan rumbled in his chest when you finally looked at him—the love you kept locked away pouring out into the furrow of your brows. The tears that fell down your cheeks. Hiding it felt pointless at this time. Because you knew your answer, you knew the second he stumbled through your door demanding you help him. You knew it the moment his gaze locked on yours.

Forever would be spent here. In the safety of his hold.

"I'll marry you," you breathed.

There were few times you managed to see this man smile. Once or twice when you told a joke. More often due to the biting pain on his body as you stitched him up—a defense mechanism rather than agonizing grunts he used to give you. And now when your words settled in his mind - solidifying something he wondered about for years.

His lips bloomed into a smile that met his eyes for the very first time. Light practically shone directly from the hazel iris.

You expected him to give you an answer, a shower of words full of love. Instead he sunk into you with a harsh groan, his forehead falling to yours, mouth swallowing the cry that erupted from your chest.

Lovers existed in your life before him—a sprinkle of men who once or twice believed you'd be their wife one day. But none of them compared to the one before you. Gabriel stretched you wide enough to hurt, but he quickly sought out the small bud pulsing for attention—circling it slowly with each shallow thrust.

Your legs shook under the sensations, nails digging into his bare shoulders, and for the first time...he felt pain.

A fractured cry escaped his mouth, finding its way into yours as you sharply cut him to ground yourself. Panic flooded your veins at the thought of hurting him. Only to feel his hips slam into yours, impaling you on his twitching cock spurting precum like a broken faucet.

"Again," he rumbled, pulling out at an achingly slow pace. Only to punch back in and drag out a shout from the depths of your stomach. "Hurt me again."

"But–"

"Do it."

Cutting your nails down his back—blood welling to the surface immediately—you felt his entire body shudder. His head tipping back as he fucked into you fast enough to hurt. There was no rhythm to how he moved. Rutting into you wildly like the beast he once became—his body overwhelmed with a mix of pain and pleasure. Agony merging together with the love he felt for you.

The wet squelch of your cunt swallowing him in with each thrust echoed in the small confines of your room. Each one followed by the loud resounding echo of your moans and his ragged grunts. You felt unhinged. Probably looked like it too.

But pleasure was creeping up on you faster than you could anticipate. Your nails marred his skin with each blinding strike of his cock against your walls. It drowned you. Swallowed you up with the promise to spit you back out later.

You'd never felt so whole before.

"I can feel her begging," he gasped against your lips, a string of spit connecting your mouth to his. "Will you let me?"

"Uh-huh."

He smiled, harsh and unforgiving. "We'll have a little one running around by the time our vows are exchanged mea amor."

His words struck something in your chest—dragging out the darkest secret you kept hidden each time he looked at you. Binding yourself with him through the bonds of marriage was one thing. Having his child remained something else entirely. You almost loathed how much you loved the idea.

"Oh–"

"You'll make me a sinner," he babbled, stimulating your clit until pain began to spark up your spine. "A child before marriage. What will God think?"

"G-Gabriel!" A violent tremble began in your legs, working up your body until he was forced to hold you up with his body weight. "I-I can feel it."

He chuckled, speeding up just enough to push you over the edge. A scream echoing off the stone walls—ringing in his ears as your walls clamped down, a gush of cum coating down to his balls. What he wouldn't give to see that again. Your face screwed up in pleasure, pain bleeding into his body with each scratch of your nails.

"It will simply have to take," he gasped, spilling into you with a cry of his own.

Seconds bled into a minute and yet he couldn't stop cumming. The sticky warmth of it trailed down your legs and dripped onto the floor. And he merely shoved back into your—keeping it from spilling out entirely. Intent on keeping each promise he made.

Kissing your cheeks, he found your lips with a sigh. "Take this."

"What?" you mumbled, vision blurry with tears.

The cold kiss of metal on your finger stirred you back to life. "Until I find a jewel meant to sit on your hand."

His insignia burned through your chest, claiming you under the very name he sought to learn more about. You were to be his. A Van Helsing of your own volition. It should have terrified you.

Yet the fear was nowhere to be found.

"I love you Gabriel. I should have told you years ago..."

With a soft kiss to your forehead, he curled his arms around your back. "Then tell me again tomorrow."

And each day after that.

#van helsing x reader #gabriel van helsing x reader #van helsing x you #van helsing x y/n #van helsing smut #gabriel van helsing smut #van helsing #gabriel van helsing #my writing

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sold2vlaykz · 2 months ago

Note

THOMAS HEWITT SMUT 🗣🗣 THOMAS HEWITT SMUT 🗣🗣

(Plsplspls him having a long day, and established relationship)

Big boy down

It’s been a long hot day, it was usual for Tommy to be out like this. He’s been out since midnight and now it’s the morning.

He usually came back huffing and tired, taking a quick nap just to work again.

There were times where you’d try to help, with verbal comfort, gratitude and even sex. But he was always worked up, so you just left him alone.

The sun was gleaming through the windows, the vast blue sky shimmering through the kitchen curtains.

It was only seven in the morning, the only reason you were up so early is because you wanted to get last night dishes out of the way.

When you woke up Tommy was already gone, you could hear the rummaging in the backyard, doing all his usual chores.

You sighed, rinsing off the last dish. You missed how much time you and Thomas used to spin together yet you two understood how busy you were.

And that’s what you loved about each other, you understood.

The door closed and you turned your head, you saw a sweaty and tired Tommy making his way towards you, you smiled at him.

He usually came to you after his work, just to hug you, to get a feel of his partner.

He pressed his chest on your back, his arms caving yours in. His head was tucked tightly in the crook of your neck.

“Something you need Tommy?”

He made a soft grunt, nothing to verbal. Squeezing you tightly pressing you deeper into him.

His musky smell filled your nose, the scent of a hard working man.

You leaned into his touch, such intimacy feeling casual yet so deep.

You let out a soft moan in his ear, the release of all the tension and just feeling him against you. He leaned into you more, at the moment you could feel his cock pressed deep into the center of your lower back.

A low growl leaving his lips as the friction grew unsteady.

“You okay Tommy?”

You asked, you knew what was going on. You just didn’t want to press it in case he didn’t want too, the poor guy couldn’t control how his body reacted.

You turned around in between his arms, taking a look down as his hard on was obviously noticeable, you leaned in towards his lips.

A small peck before returning with another one, deepening the kiss.

His hands gripped your back, your surprised the whole house didn’t hear him groaning into your mouth.

“You wanna?”

You asked, your gained southern accent flowing into his ears, you reached down and gently squeezed him.

His whimper just made you even more determined.

“Right here Tommy.”

You grasped the bottom of your apron, slowly moving it up. You revealed your undergarments to him and you could hear his breathing deepen. You looked up to him deeply, with soft eyes.

Wanting and desiring more, by the look of it. He did too.

“Can I?”

You asked him, tugging at the line of his pants. Tommy’s look of affirmation was all you needed, you pushed him back a little as you tugged his pants down.

You took a look around you to make sure no one woke up from the ruckus.

His cock sprung free, hitting the top of your forehead as you stood back up. It was thick and dripping of pre-cum.

Pulling down your underwear with one hand as you fondled his cock in another, his head in your neck as he whimpered slightly.

Trying his best to cover the noise.

“You’ve been workin’ all day.”

Your undergarments around your left ankle. Lifting your leg up desperately, hungry and waiting for him to take advantage of the access.

He stood there watching you, pressing his tip towards the entrance of you.

He pushed halfway in, you let out a loud yelp but quickly covered your mouth as Tommy flashed you a look of concern. You gave him a reassuring nod as he dug the rest of himself in.

You felt like you were being split in two.

“Fuck.” You grumbled in his ear, your breath heating up his neck.

“Wait, wait.”

You cried out to him, it’s been so long that it feels like something you’ve never felt before. You feel him twitch inside of you, eyes hungrily looking up at you still waiting for your go.

“M’Kay now.”

He began slowly thrusting, your nails digging into his back as you both kept your best to stay silent, the sound of his balls slapping against your skin grew louder.

“Fuck Tommy.” His groans were sloppy and loud, your constant shushes to remind him to keep quiet. He kept going deeper and deeper, every thrust became more sloppy as the counter began to shake.

It felt like he no longer cared about the noise, he was hungry. And his meal was right there.

He lifted your other leg up and rested you against the sink, leaning you comfortable before pushing into you once again.

“Oh fuck, mm.”

You moans echoed throughout the house as he pounded into you, the cabinet doors slamming and opening beside you.

With one pound he dug deeper and released his load into you.

Fucking you through it until you released yours.

His tired limp body relaxing as he pulled his cock from your body.

You smiled and laughed with him despite the feeling of your legs gone numb, though the sound of creaking quickly cut both of you out of your loving trance.

Both of you hurriedly pulled up your pants as you neatly cleaned the cum off the counter before throwing the paper towel in the trash.

At the bottom of the steps stood Hoyt.

“Keep yer’ fuckin’ down.”

He spat on the raw floor before heading out the door.

(Hi sorry if this isn’t what you expected it to be but I didn’t really have a lot of context to go off with! You didn’t specify gender so I tried to keep it general neutral- I know it’s fast paced but please if you ever have a request be more specific!!) I hope you enjoyed it.

Open to constructive criticism

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obbystars · 6 months ago

Text

When Mother Was Here

Synopsis: Kill him. Or let him bleed.

Notes: Sebastian Solace x GN!Reader / NO ROMANCE IN THIS ONE / Based off of Zeal’s recent post of a scrapped idea / Angst, hurt no comfort, no happy ending / Sebastian backstory spoilers / Violence / Repeated deaths / I suck at writing people fighting, sorry :( / Spot the Gabriel Ultrakill reference / Short (sigh…)

Credits: dividers by @cafekitsune

(OUGHHHHH ZEAL I WISH YOU KEPT THIS IN THE WORKS I don’t think you guys know how fast I RUSHED to make this after I saw the post)

Your orders were simple. Kill Z-13, The Saboteur. Otherwise known to you as Sebastian Solace. For once, they equipped you with a weapon but it wasn’t one that’d prove that effective. At least, not one that’d give you such an advantage against the mutant so that you wouldn’t use it against the guardsmen and other staff. You were still an EXR-P, after all. An expendable. They don’t expect you to accomplish this, but it was the EXR-P that was able to find him because he lets them find him.

You figured you’d have an advantage as he may not be expecting you, an EXR-P, to be armed. Maybe even surprise him. However, that turned out to not be the case. Of course, you weren’t the only one tasked with this. Urbanshade needs him to die.

He had killed you just as quickly as the others, but you surprised him the moment he turned his back to you. He heard faint shuffling and the sound of bones cracking behind him and turned back around. Suddenly, you were standing again as if he didn’t just crush your skull into the ground. The blood was there. The cracks on the floor were there. The blood dripping down your head and onto your prisoner uniform was there.

He stares at you in complete shock for a moment, then he lets out a growl.

“I don’t care how many time you come back,” he stands up straight, “I will break you again and again, paint the walls red with buckets of your own blood! I will rip you limb from limb until even the other expendables start to cry for mercy!! I will ENJOY tearing you apart no matter how many times I have to!!”

Sebastian continues to kill you and you continue to get back up on your feet not a moment too soon. You were practically drenched in your own blood, so were the floors and walls with how gruesome some of your deaths had gotten.

You know he’s getting slower and desperate as you kept coming back and continued to manage a hit. He was running out of ammo for his shotgun and his own blood was starting to spill onto the floor. You soon spot a dead guardsman that still had his gun. It was likely it was still loaded. You weren’t sure if you were allowed to, but do or die over and over and over again. It wasn’t like they told you that you couldn’t do it, but as long as it meant the target is killed, then they shouldn’t stop you.

The gun was loaded. If you die now, he’ll take it off of your cold hands. Maybe even break it so you can’t use it. While you could finish the job without it, it’s always better to have something more sufficient for the job.

At one instance, he had managed to grab you but managed to hit him in the head with the weapon Urbanshade had provided to you. You narrowly missed your kill-shot, however, and only hit his shoulder. Still, it was a hit.

The fight’s gotten to the point Sebastian was trying to find a way to get away from you. It didn’t matter how, he just needed to escape and get somewhere safe. His recent failed attempt had you managing to aim your shot to hit his arm. You persisted and aimed your gun as he was making a break for it again.

Click.

Your eyes widened. Of course…

Seeing as you had run out of ammo, Sebastian took this chance to run. You returned to the guardsman still lying right where you found him and reloaded the gun. You looked to where Sebastian had fled to and break into a run. The trail of blood was enough to help you track him down.

You feel exhausted as you continue down the dark hallways. You were practically limping, almost literally dragging yourself to try and catch up to Sebastian. You eventually stumble upon a dimly lit room. You recognized this room. The trail leads into the vent. Yes, you know this room.

As you emerged through the other side, you hear someone sobbing. You spot him in the corner, and the sight made you freeze. You don’t know why you froze, or why you lowered the gun.

“M..mom…?” You watch as he reaches out with a trembling hand. To you? It seems like it, but it’s not you he’s seeing, “Are… Are you there..?”

The grip on your gun begins to falter. Your hands begin to shake as you listen to his cries for a mother who wasn’t here. Begging for her to come back. Maybe you’ve forgotten who exactly you were standing in front of. You’ve read his document. Judging by the years listed of when everything happened, you don’t think you’d be surprised if he was still with his family. His mother.

Someone who was accused and sentenced to death for murder, a murder he was not guilty of. It was only because of the official statement made of his execution that this information was not relayed to him or to his family. His family does not know he’s alive, nor do they know he’s not guilty. All they know is that their son was a murderer.

Why can’t you do it? Put him out of his misery. It should be easy. It’s mercy. End his suffering. They’ll kill you if you don’t do it. He’ll kill you again if you don’t do it. If not you, someone else.

You can’t move.

#🌑 // the moon provides #sebastian solace #roblox pressure #pressure #sebastian solace x reader #pressure roblox #roblox pressure sebastian

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coco-loco-nut · 25 days ago

Text

High Flyer - Part Five

pairing: charles leclerc x reader

summary: the demands of motherhood and racing are a lot, but with the right support, anything is possible.

a/n: sorry this took FOREVER, I graduated in december and it’s been kinda crazy since

masterlist series masterlist requests open

—————————

A high pitched wail ring out, soon followed by another.

“I got them, go back to sleep,” Charles whispers. It’s his turn anyway.

“They’re probably hungry,” you groan, shifting in the bed to get up.

“You pumped earlier, I’ll warm some up and get them back to sleep. You have a race in the morning,” he insists.

“Ok, but wake me up if you need help,” you blink tiredly, watching your husband disappear to the next room over in your hotel suite. A glance at the baby monitor tells you that everything is okay as you drift back to sleep.

It’s been an adjustment for you and the team upon your return. Racing with newborns isn’t easy, especially since you are determined to be a present mother. You could barely handle being outside of Europe, so you and Charles decided that the whole family would be traveling.

“Charles, which one should Hervé wear?” you ask, holding two onesies - one a chili pattern and the other a horse pattern.

“The chili, it’ll make Carlos happy,” Charles says distractedly as he cuddles Gabriel who is sporting Ferrari red.

“Alright, aaaaaand baby two is ready,” you smile, picking up the giggling baby.

“Ready to head out?” Charles asks, grabbing the baby bag.

“Yep,” you double check you have everything on your way out of the room.

“My babies,” Arthur reaches out to steal Gabriel from Charles. He was able to get a seat at Haas for the year alongside Ollie. “He’s wearing the onesie I got him,” he coos, trying not to wake Gabriel up.

“Is he? We just grabbed red,” you glance at Gabriel, whose top reads ‘I have the best Uncle’. “Yeah, that would be you.”

It isn’t uncommon for the five of you to enter the paddock together, Arthur is really trying to go for brother of the year.

Carlos spots your small group and intercepts you. He shifts his weight awkwardly, clearly a little nervous.

“Could I steal Y/n for a minute?” he asks. He looks down at Hervé in your arms and cracks a smile. “My number one fan,” Carlos chuckles as you split off.

“It’s your home race, I thought you may want the support,” you look down as the baby in your arms who is looking back at you.

“Thank you, Hervé. When you want to kart and your mom isn’t letting you, just let Uncle Carlos know. I’ll give you all the tricks on how to beat her,” Carlos says, voice pitched slightly higher.

“I know you love the babies, but there is clearly something on your mind. What’s wrong?” you cut to the chase, you call it your mom instincts. You picked them up while watching over your grid kids -who have turned out to be amazing brothers.

“I’m leaving Ferrari at the end of the season. I wanted you to hear it from me first,” Carlos says carefully, observing every little muscle you move in reaction.

“Why?”

“Red Bull offered me a better contract. I really wanted to stay here as your teammate, but I just couldn’t refuse,” Carlos attempts to reassure you, but you can’t hide your disappointment.

“As long as you are happy,” you push down any sadness, feeling a bit guilty and selfish.

“Hey, maybe we will get Scuderia Leclerc,” Carlos suggests teasingly, stealing Hervé from you as he speaks.

“I am going to get an espresso, want one?” you ask Carlos as you step into the motorhome.

“No, I’ll get one after baby time,” he says, engrossed in playing with his godson.

You run into Fred, who is also waiting for a coffee. He shifts a little, more anxious than normal.

“Carlos told me he is leaving,” you break the ice, tension loosening.

“Yes, it was a shock at first, but he’s been very helpful in choosing a replacement,” Fred replies, making you curiouser. “As soon as the contract is signed you will be the first to know,” he pats your shoulder and walk away. You take the small cup and return to Carlos who is enthralled with Hervé.

“You know, babies are fun and all until you can’t give them back to their parents,” you smile a little bitterly. You love your kids, but there is something to be said for how hard it is to have a tiny human completely dependent on you.

“What did I do?” Carlos panics as Hervé starts crying.

“Nothing, nothing,” you say calmly, taking your son carefully into your arms. “He’s just hungry, excuse me.”

Carlos watches your eyes soften with affection, it’s like nothing he’s ever seen before. You seem like two different people. Ruthless and cruel as a driver, but warm and loving as a mother. He admires it. You disappear to your drivers room and he steals your untouched espresso.

“Someone’s hungry,” Charles looks amused as the way Hervé’s tiny hand grips your shirt.

“Won’t even let me drink an espresso,” you shakes your head adoringly. Charles locks the door behind you, Gabriel sleeping soundly in the pack and play.

��I don’t blame him, he has the twenty-four seven access that every man dreams of,” Charles jokes as you roll your eyes.

“You have the same access,” you lightly smack your husband’s arm. “Now, wake Gabi up to eat,” you sit down in the plush couch you added to the small space. Charles barely touches Gabi before he cries.

“Shh, it’s okay, your mama will feed you soon,” Charles whispers, sitting beside you and helping you set up.

“At least they are hungry at the right time,” you sigh, leaning against him. With the time on the clock, you should have just enough time to pump, nap, and make it to your pre-race duties. “I really couldn’t do this without you. You are the best support,” you feel your energy drain as you pay careful attention to the babies.

“Mon amour, not only would I do anything for you, I have responsibilities as the babies father too,” Charles kisses your cheek.

“I really don’t know what I would do without you, tu es l’amour de ma vie,” you turn to look at him, love filling your tired eyes. Charles repeats your words, leaning in to kiss you.

“Let me put them down,” Charles says when the twins start falling asleep. You fight the exhaustion setting in to pump so the babies can eat during the race. Charles doesn’t know how you can do it all, so he does his best to channel your strength when taking care of them during the races. As soon as the babies are sleeping, he turns to you and finds you mostly asleep. Charles sits back down on the couch, cuddling you as you drift off.

You wake up to your alarm, a blanket covering you as you lay on Charles.

“Feeling ready?” Charles asks, smoothing your hair.

“As I’ll ever be,” you yawn, nuzzling back into Charles’ side. He fights a laugh, holding you closer. “I don’t wanna get up,” you murmur.

“I know, but you have a strategy meeting then the drivers parade and the race. Plus, it’s the end of the triple header, we have a whole week to lay around the house,” Charles reminds you. He noticed how you struggle with balancing your time on race weekends, especially when it comes to napping. Your team has dealt with your crankiness and forgetfulness, so Charles does his best to help.

“We can sleep in,” you sigh happily.

“As long as the babies let us,”

“I can’t wait for them to grow up. And to think I thought about having more,” you pout, sitting up. A gentle knock sounds through the room.

“Y/n, meeting then workout in five,” Carlos reminds you. You begrudgingly get up from the couch, wishing race weekends were as easy as show up, get in, and drive. You’ve thought about retirement more so far this season than ever before in your career.

The strategy meeting, warm up, and drivers parade drags on, and you return to your drivers room to change.

“Enzo! When did you get in?” you hug your brother-in-law. You knew he was showing up to support Arthur, but you were unsure when he was arriving.

“About an hour ago. I had to come see my nephews and sister,” Enzo squeezes you as Charles gapes.

“What am I? Chopped liver?” Charles asks, affronted that his own brother disregarded him.

“Have you won world championships? Carry my nephews? No. Until you do so, Y/n is more important,” Lorenzo teases, as any good brother does.

“Enzo,” you lightly smack his shoulder. “Why don’t you and Charles go get a coffee while I change,” you suggest, waiting for them to leave before changing.

Sometimes you think that rookie you would be astounded by your pre race routine. Rather than keeping to yourself and clearing headspace, you spent time with your babies and Charles. Headphones on until the last possible minute has turned into talking to your team and Carlos.

“Is it too late to retire?” you joke to yourself, slightly annoyed as you change into your fireproofs.

“Please don’t,” you turn around, catching Charles unabashedly checking you out.

“Charles!” you gasp scandalously, pulling your race suit over your shoulders. You didn’t realize he returned without Lorenzo.

“Ma cherie,” he laughs, standing up and wrapping his arms around you.

“I have to go, I’ll see you in the garage?” you press a kiss to his lips, melting into his arms before bending down to put on your boots.

“Of course, drink some water on the way,” he says, handing you your water.

“See you soon,” you squeeze his hand, rushing to the garage for final checks and to bring the car out. Charles appears before you get into the car for warm up laps.

“Safe and sound, asleep in your room,” Charles shows you the baby monitor as you braid back your hair.

“Awww, soon they will be old enough to be in the garage,” you smile, heart swelling with unimaginable love. “Hopefully by then I have a few more championships,” you chuckle, finishing the braid and putting your ear monitors in.

“You can do it, I’ll be here after the anthem,” Charles says, helping you finish getting ready and into your car.

“I’ll be back,” your eyes crinkle as your flip your visor down. Charles backs up as your crew surrounds the car.

Your brain switches into go mode. You haven’t won this race yet, third on the podium is the closest you’ve gotten so your pole position is a welcome advantage.

Charles watches you battle, and when you have a healthy lead with fifteen laps left, he returns to your drivers room to feed the babies and bring them to the parc ferme. Arthur bought them little headphones to protect their ears right after they were born.

“Ready to see your mommy,” Lorenzo grabs Gabriel from Charles when he walks back into the garage after watching from Haas.

“You could always help feed and change them, you know,” Charles suggests, watching you push on your final lap.

“Hey, you’re the father. I’m just the uncle who gets to enjoy the baby time. Hopefully more next year,” Lorenze makes funny faces at Gabi who babbles and giggles.

“Next year?”

“Did I say next year? I meant next week,” Lorenzo brushes it off. “I love you, but if you spit up on my polo, you are going right back to your father. He isn’t as fun as I am,” Lorenzo warns Gabi. All he gets is a blank stare and gummy smile.

“She’s done it!” Charles cheers as you cross the line. Lorenzo and Charles are careful to make their way to the front. As soon as you see Charles and Lorenzo standing with the kids, you audibly squeal. Arthur rushes over from his car after weighing in to congratulate you. He finished in the points, but just outside the podium.

“Oh my god,” happy tears well in your eyes. “You don’t think I could bring them to the podium, do you?” you ask Arthur who just amusedly shakes his head.

“Marketing would love it though,” Arthur chuckles.

“Oh, let me go take off my helmet and weigh in,” you rush away, wanting to get back to your family as fast as possible.

“Great race!” Carlos pats your shoulder after you weigh in.

“Thanks, I gotta go see my babies,” you throw on your P1 hat and return to where your babies are being entertained by Fred and Arthur.

“Hand them here,” you extend your arms, joyful look momentarily turning deadly as you give the security a warning glance. You step against the barrier, leaning against Charles as Lorenzo takes a photo.

“Fantastic drive, mon amour,” Charles kisses your cheek. You are to distracted by the babies for a proper kiss.

“Family photo, get in Arthur and Lorenzo,” Fred cuts in.

“Oh, Maman will love this,” Arthur smiles.

“Hello, little ones! Who are the best grid babies,” you are surprised a little bit by Ollie’s baby talk behind you, but that goes away when you realize it’s him. “Interview time,” Ollie says, a twinge of sadness in his voice as you hand the babies back.

“That includes me, the media waits for no one,” Arthur shakes his head, leaving for the media pen.

“My first podium with my son,” you wrap an arm around Ollie as you head towards Hinchcliffe.

“I’m excited for the family dinner next week,” Ollie tells you. He’s said as much all week, well, all of your grid kids have.

“I love having my kids around. You don’t always have to wait for an invite,” you remind him. You have a guest room specifically for your grid kids.

“I know. I just don’t want to impose, or interfere with any chances of another sibling,” Ollie laughs as Carlos finishes his interview.

“Well, the next time I have another kid will be when I’m retired,” you shake your head, giving Ollie a little nudge forward.

Later in your driver’s room, Arthur and Lorenzo claim the couch, watching you and Charles clean and pack. You showered immediately after getting back to the room, sticky from champagne then fed the babies while Charles relaxed for a few minutes after he spend hours caring for them alone.

“I just wonder who Fred will get to replace Carlos. It will be weird not having him as my teammate,” you vent, taking shirts off hangers.

“Me,” Arthur reveals, causing both you and Charles to stop packing.

“Really?” your eyes widen, praying it isn’t a joke.

“Scuderia Leclerc is real! I haven’t told Maman yet, I am waiting to finalize the contract,” Arthur lets out a grunt as you and Charles practically tackle him.

“I’m so proud I could cry,”

“You are,” Arthur panics a little as tears roll down your cheeks. You swat away his hand, grabbing a tissue to dry your eyes.

“Stupid hormones,” you wave the tissue.

“You sure you aren’t pregnant again?” Lorenzo teases.

“You and Ollie both today,” you shake your head, composing yourself. “Not until I’m retired. It’s hard on Cha and I to raise the twins on the road,” you sit on the bench, busying your hands with folding.

“Maman is going to start bothering you about children soon too,” Charles turns the attention back to Arthur. Lorenzo nods in agreement, happy to put Arthur in the hot seat.

“I’m too young,” Arthur defends himself as you stifle a laugh.

“You aren’t much younger than me. Charles, Enzo, can you get Arthur and I a water and a snack? The race was brutal,” you ask. With a nod, Charles heads out to the main hospitality area to get a couple bottles. Lorenzo seems suspicious, but follows anyway.

“You’ve thought about retiring,” Arthur states like it’s common knowledge. Sure there have been rumors, but they are from untrustworthy sources.

“It’s crossed my mind. I wasn’t lying, it would be much easier to stay home and raise the twins. But I want them to see me race and win. On the other hand, I don’t want to race so long that I can’t have another,” you frown, leaning back against the wall.

“I get it. You could always take time off again. It isn’t unheard of to come out of retirement. Not that you have to right now, but in five years maybe,” Arthur suggests.

“I’ve never seen myself anywhere other than Ferrari. The chances of them bringing me back on again are so small,”

“Even if you go to Williams, you’d at least be racing,” Arthur points out.

“Michael returned and went to Mercedes. Fernando retired for a few years, twice. A couple years off in the future does sound nice. Especially if I return before a rookie takes my number,” you consider the possibilities.

“Well, it isn’t happening yet, no point in dwelling on it,” Arthur stands up and helps you pack.

“Dwelling on what?” Charles asks, handing you a water bottle. Lorenzo follows with a plate of snacks.

“What our names will look like when shortened,” you smoothly lie.

“I’m sure they will do the same thing as they did before,” Charles goes along with it. You and Arthur snack while Lorenzo and Charles pack.

“Let’s get back to the hotel before the kids wake up,” you say as you zip up your bag. Arthur grabs the diaper bag and one car seat as Charles grabs another bag and the other car seat.

“No partying tonight?” Kimi asks, running into you as you leave Ferrari.

“No, I leave that to you young people. I’m too old for that, unless I’ve won a championship,” you shake your head. Who would’ve thought that you’d turn into a homebody.

“You aren’t that old, you are what? 26?” Kimi asks.

“Oh honey, try 29. Go have fun, we will see you soon,” you send him off to where other drivers are waiting - plus Fernando. The guy is almost 50 and parties like the rookies. He retired twice and still came back to drive again.

“You could party too,” Lorenzo tells Arthur. Arthur just shakes his head, adjusting the weight of the bag.

“No, I am looking forward to a soft bed and greasy food,” Arthur declares, mind anywhere but partying until late.

“Dinner with Maman on Monday, don’t forget,” Lorenzo reminds your small group before getting into his car.

The rest of the night is a blur, getting dinner, feeding the babies, getting them to sleep. Charles collapses into the bed beside you after showering.

“Arthur and I were talking about me retiring,” you say into the darkness, causing Charles to wake up from his drowsy state.

“What? Why?”

“Well, I want the kids to remember me racing, and I also want to maybe have a little girl but without returning immediately. I won’t do it immediately, I need a couple more championships under my belt,” you explain quietly. Charles wraps an arm around you, rubbing small circles onto your arm and resting his head on your shoulder.

“I understand. It’s your choice when it happens, and if you decide down the road that you don’t want another baby then i will support that too,” Charles replies sleepily. “You deserve to enjoy your job for as long as possible while also having the life you want.”

“You are thinking about me being pregnant again, aren’t you?” a grin creeps onto your face, reaching to run a hand through his hair.

“Maybe. I can’t help it, you just look so sexy all the time,” Charles shifts so he can get a better look at you in the dark.

“I can and will say the same thing about you. You know, it’s never too early to start practicing,” your hand curls slightly in his hair as you pull him down to kiss you.

And practice you do. Many, many, many times over the next four years.

“Arthur! Have you seen Gabi?” you ask, hoping you don’t have to run around the paddock looking for your toddler. Hervé is his daddy’s boy, always stuck to Charles, but Gabi is your runner.

“No, but Kimi was just here not long ago,” Arthur pops out of his drivers room.

“Him and his uncles, what am I going to do with him?” you rest your head against the wall.

“Relax, one of your grid kids will return him. Just enjoy your last race,” Arthur smiles, excited for your retirement surprise after the race.

“Relax? When have I ever done that?” you fight a smile. The past few years have been great. You rewon your title and kept it, now you are fighting for your fifth.

“Are you worried that I’ll take your championship?” Arthur has been on your heels all year, and while you are proud, a little breathing room in the championship would be nice.

“No,” you don’t sound convincing at all.

“Good, fear me,” Arthur dodges your attempt to hit his arm.

“Y/n, I cannot believe you sent a spy,” you turn around to see Gabi hanging off of Toto, who doesn’t look or sound mad despite his words.

“Mr. Wolff, I am so sorry,” you rush to grab your son, who is just laughing despite your frantic apologies.

“Don’t be, it’s just like when Jack was little. I just couldn’t let Kimi bring him to our strategy meeting,” Toto chuckles. Your boy really does have the paddock wrapped around his finger.

“Wanna play with my new toy?” Arthur asks Gabi, code for the zippers on his backpack. Arthur follows Gabi into his drivers room.

“You will be missed around here. You know that, don’t you?” Toto asks, seeing the young racer hungry for a seat. He tried to sign you back then but the stakeholders were against it.

“Well, I would hope so, I’ve been around for a long time,” you joke in an attempt to not tear up. Since you announced your retirement the fan tributes and statements from other drivers have made you an emotional wreck.

“I know this isn’t the end for you, you have the spirit of a true racer and not one ready to permanently retire. Now, I know that all you know is Ferrari, but it would be a shame to never see you drive again. Let’s talk over the winter break,” Toto says before leaving. Any thoughts of crying turns to joy sparking inside you.

You lean back against the wall, taking in the details of the motorhome.

“Don’t start reminiscing now, you haven’t even retired yet,” a familiar voice pulls you out of your trance.

“Seb! What are you doing here?” you gasp, pushing off the wall to give your former teammate a hug.

“Well, I had to come watch you race one last time,” Seb looks at you proudly. “You are still my eager young teammate, hungry for a podium.”

“Sure, old man. You are just mad we have the same amount of title. Tell it to me straight, how bad is retirement?”

“Oh, seeing your children grow up erases any pain of not racing,” Seb reassures you.

“Right,”

“It’s okay to miss it, you’ve spent your whole life racing,” you look around the hallway and drag Seb into your driver room.

“I want to return to racing,” you admit like it’s a scandal.

“Does Ferrari know that?” Seb asks, worried about the possibility of you returning.

“Yes, but Fred hasn’t said anything about a space being open in the future,” you frown.

“Ferrari isn’t everything. Plenty of us retired with another team,”

“But Ferrari are the only ones who supported me and took a chance on me,”

“That’s not true. Plenty of teams considered giving you offers,”

“But they didn’t.”

“Y/n, if you even give an inkling to the press that you want to return, teams will reach out. Trust me,”

“Well, Toto did just say something that sounded suspiciously close to an offer,”

“Then negotiate. Surprise the world and come back,” Seb encourages you. Before he left Ferrari, he promised he would always be in your corner. The same promise you’ve given to anyone you’ve driven with, except for Arthur. He’s a special case, you don’t want to make him think you are the reason for thing he achieved himself.

“Thanks Seb, you always know what to say,” you exhale a deep breath. “Why are you really here?”

“Ferrari is throwing you a surprise retirement party after the race. They invited former teammates and drivers you were close to,” Seb reveals, you knew there would be a party anyway.

“So you don’t care about my championship? How rude,” you tease as he heads to the door.

“Yeah yeah, go train and get ready for the race,” Seb leaves you alone, hoping you don’t stay in your head.

“Oh, let’s train in your room today!” your trainer blocks you from entering your usual training spot.

“Okay,” you try to peer around him, but get corralled away from the room.

Once you return to your room, you find Charles playing on the floor with Hervé and Gabi.

“Everyone is acting strange today, even Arthur,” you sigh, getting ready for your final meeting in the garage before the installation lap.

“They think you don’t know about the party. I’m going to miss this view,” Charles watches you pull on your fireproofs and race suit.

“These are coming home with me, don’t worry,” you wink. Charles stands up so he can do your hair.

“I’m so proud of everything you’ve accomplished,” Charles whispers, hugging you from behind after he ties off the braid.

“I wouldn’t be here without you,” You wrap your arms around his, leaning into him.

“Mama, up,” Hervé reaches up at you, his sleepy blue eyes fighting a nap. You pull away from Charles, leaning down to pick him up. A quick knock sounds through the room before your door opens.

“Ready to head to the garage?” Arthur asks. It hits him that the next time you will all be like this, you won’t be his teammate.

“Yeah,” you shift Hervé’s weight, ready to hand him off to Charles before Arthur stops you.

“Let’s bring them with us, they won’t be a bother,” Arthur suggests. Charles follows behind you, the backpack full of kid essentials. Gabi holds your hand, having chosen to walk beside you.

When you get to the garage, the crew starts applauding and you lose it. Tears stream down your face as you look around.

“I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry. I love you all so much, you are the best team I could ask for. Today’s drive is for all of you,” you thank them, letting go of Gabi’s hand to wipe the tears away. Arthur wraps an arm around your shoulders, giving you a side hug.

“Alright boys, let’s let mommy work,” Charles says quietly, taking the boys out of the garage. You put on your headset, trying to get back into the zone.

“You have been and will continue to hear this a lot this weekend, but thank you for everything you’ve done for the Scuderia. You have created a legacy of excellence and your name will be remembered forever by the Tifosi and Ferrari,” Fred starts the meeting. You mouth a simple thank you as the strategists and engineers take over. Arthur grabs your hand and gives it a quick squeeze. You squeeze back before letting go, letting him know you are okay.

After the meeting you take extra time to talk with your team and thank them, making a mental note to add a handwritten note for them on this year’s Christmas card. You and Arthur do some final warm ups, getting your reflexes up to speed before you get into the car.

“One last installation lap,” you tell Charles, a bittersweet smile on your face. You get your earpieces in, watching Charles hand your gloves to the boys.

“You two wanna help Mommy get ready?” Charles asks, still not sure how much they can hear with the headphones on.

“Yeah!” they reply in unison. Twin telepathy has to be real. You pull your balaclava on and put the helmet on before holding your hands out. Charles helps each of them put a glove on.

“Y/n! Time to head out,” one of your engineers tells you.

“I’ll see you after the lap?” you ask Charles, knowing the answer. He kisses the top of the helmet, sending you on your way.

The world fades away on your lap, it’s just you, the car, and the track. There’s no thoughts of retirement or the championship, it’s like you are one with the car. You relay the necessary information to the team before getting out. Normally you’d take the umbrella and head right back to the garage, but today you don’t mind hanging around and enjoying the excitement. Kimi, Ollie, Jack, and Oscar come find you.

“When I first met you guys, you were lanky boys. Now look at you, all grown up,” you tell them. Their thin frames bulked with muscle, no longer the young adults you took under your wing. Each of them designed special helmets with little tributes to you. Ollie’s has a mama bear and a cub, Kimi has a phrase in Italian, Oscar has your racing number on his helmet, and Jack has a grandma emoji on his.

“Promise you’ll visit often?” Kimi asks, a little scared to lose you and your advice.

“Of course. I will miss my boys. I may not be here every weekend, but you all are always welcome in my home. We will still have dinners,” you promise, extending an arm in an invitation for a group hug. Ollie launches himself into you, Kimi following right after.

“I’ll take care of them,” Oscar promises, having adopted more rookies of his own.

“I know you will,” you smile, watching them tear off one by one to do their pre race rituals.

“Thank you for being the best grid grandma,” Jack thanks you.

“I’ll send you cookies,” you promise before turning to Ollie. “There’s no one else I’d rather take my seat,” you tell Ollie, especially proud of him. He was the first person you suggested to Fred.

“I’ll honor you with it,” Ollie promises before leaving you alone again.

“Do you have a moment for our F1 TV viewers?” Will Buxton asks. It’s rare to get a driver interview at this point of a race day, so you indulge him.

“I suppose so,” you adjust the umbrella so it blocks more of the sun.

“What is going through your mind today?” Will starts, asking the question that every reporter wants to know.

“A lot. There are so many memories and things I’m grateful for, I just want to take it all in. A lot has changed since I first stepped foot in the paddock. I think I’ve spend most of my day trying not to cry at all the tributes and thoughtful things everyone has to say. It just means so much to me that my kids have had the chance to see me drive as well,” you try to articulate the whirlwind of things you feel.

“I think it’s safe to say you’ve cemented yourself in F1 history. Any thoughts for the fans watching here and at home?”

“Thank you, for your support and criticism. I know driver dominance is hard to watch as fans. Four, hopefully five, championships later, I’m just grateful to have had the chance to drive. I don’t think this is the last you will see of me, maybe I’ll try rally or something,” you joke.

“Well, I can say for all of us that we are excited to see what you do next. Thank you for your time and congratulations on your retirement,” Will says before the camera cuts. “I can’t say this live, but I certainly hope you retire as Champion of the World. Keep an eye on your phone, we are looking for guest commentators next season,” Will tells you. You thank him before heading back to the garage.

For once, the celebrity guests are former Ferrari drivers and personnel. It’s nice spending the bit of time before the anthem reconnecting. Hell, even Max returned. He retired the year after you came back from pregnancy, holding to the statement that he would retire earlier than fans would expect.

“Good luck, Mommy,” Hervé hugs you before you leave the garage, kissing your cheek.

“Thank you, baby,” you hug him tightly. Gabi is currently talking Arthur’s ear off, well as much as he can for a four year old.

“Give Mommy a good luck hug, Gabi,” you tell him. He rushes over to hug you. Charles stops talking to Arthur to wish you luck. You stand up, Gabi hugging you leg.

“Good luck, show them why you are a four time world champion,” Charles kisses you. Arthur gags across the garage.

“Thank you,” you whisper against his lips.

“Alright love birds, I don’t want a fine for being late,” Arthur calls to you. You begrudgingly step away, waving goodbye to the twins. You and Arthur share the umbrella as you stand on the track.

“Don’t give me the win, I want to fight for it like I have every year,” you say quietly, knowing Arthur would sacrifice his title to let you go out a champion.

“Wasn’t planning on it. The only way I will back down if if given team orders,” Arthur tells you.

“Don’t listen to that, unless we would crash,” you insist. Just because you are retiring doesn’t mean you should get hand outs, unless it’s in the form of money.

“It’s been an honor getting to drive with you as my teammate. I never thought you would be my sister, or teammate, or best friend, but here we are. Thank you,” Arthur hugs you when you get to your cars, your final front row lockout.

“Thank you for being the best little brother, and a great teammate. Love you, Thur,” you hug him back. Fighting any tears that threaten to spill.

“Don’t cry, you’ll be back in a few years. I just know it,” Arthur reassures you as he pulls away.

“And you will be world champion, just not this year,” you grin, heading to your car to get your helmet on and get into the car. Before you climb in, you look around at the crew. “Thank you all, I wouldn’t be successful without your hard work,” you tell them, your sincere tone adding to their motivation.

You climb in, instantly entering race mode. All sentimental emotions leaving as you focus on the race. Time ticks away and it’s just you and the car, waiting for the green light on the formation lap. You’ve done thousands of laps, and it’s time to add 58 more.

The team watches as you drive effortlessly, defending and attacking like it’s your second nature. And an hour and a half later, you cross the finish line one last time for Ferrari as a champion.

“Y/n Leclerc, once again, you are Champion of the World. Thank you for everything you have done for us at Ferrari, it’s been an honor being your race engineer,” your engineer tells you as you cross the line.

“We did it,” you fight the tears, trying to focus on the track. “Thank you everyone, for all the hours, hard work, and late nights that you’ve put in. We’ve spent so much time together and I will remember this forever. This championship is all for you. Thank you Tifosi for all your support, through the ups and downs you were there. Forza Ferrari Sempre,” you say before turning the radio off, driving a little slower on your cool down lap than you normally would.

You don’t jump out immediately after parking the car. You sit a few extra seconds, taking your time removing the steering wheel and seat belt. When you stand on top of the car, the crowd roars.

“You did it!” Arthur cheers, hugging you as soon as you get out of the car.

“Let’s go see the team,” you pat his back. Running to the sea of red one last time.

It’s hard to imagine what will come next in those moments of pure joy.

You and Charles spend the next year enjoying being parents, and you do hop into the commentary booth for a few weekends. Toto reaches out, extending a contract offer whenever you are ready to take it. You talk when you attend races to cheer on your grid kids and Arthur. And following your own footsteps, you reveal your pregnancy to the public the next year - a healthy baby girl named Emilia Vittoria who is spoiled by her racing family.

Carlos is the second person to take Hervé and Gabi karting, you gifted them their own for their fifth birthday. Arthur had the honor of being the first since you were pregnant at the time.

After being away for four years, you rejoin the grid beside Kimi, racing for another four years before retiring for the last time. You don’t win another WDC, but you get to enjoy it while it lasted and retire happy.

#f1 imagines #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #charles leclerc #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc x reader #arthur leclerc

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leonstoenailunderhisbed · 9 months ago

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What Was I Made For?

Summary: Leon, a bodyguard assigned to watch and protect his client, confesses his feelings for the reader. Although he knew he shouldn’t be involved in a relationship with his client, he still reaches out for you.

Warning: fluff/comfort. smut. afab reader. bodyguard!leon x female!reader. oral (f receiving), missionary, slight age gap (Leon is 27 and reader is 21+) loss of virginity. protected sex. CONSENTED. not proofread lol.

A/N: i got inspired by multiple things; jo and laurie, pride and prejudice, i love you and what was i made for by billie eilish. i wanted to try and write a romance so pure that it makes people cry. I think this is my cheesiest work so far.

“I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century, to repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and everlasting love.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Your father had hired a bodyguard to protect you while he was away. He loved you, like any father would, but his work seemingly came first. Not that you had any word in it anyway. It seemed that most of the choices he made for you were clearly out his heart and not out malice.

But when the tall, muscular, blonde man entered your own house, you couldn't help but feel a little angry. Not at the stranger, he was just hired to do his job, you were mostly mad at your dad for even thinking you didn't have what it takes to defend yourself. You hated feeling small and be seen as weak but again, there was nothing you could about it except take it.

Leon was his name, Leon Scott Kennedy. He's quiet, blunt, and always had a serious expression on his face. You couldn't read him- no one could, really. It was a little unsettling but overtime you grew closer to him.

He'd help you out when you needed a ride, he would reach the highest shelf when you wanted something from the pantry; he was a man you can depend on. And he, too, grew to care about you.

What you didn’t know was that every time he saw you or was with you, his heart would skip a beat. His entire being would feel like that satisfying part of a song; the bridge or the chorus or whichever part it may be. He felt complete, but he also felt empty. For how could a girl like you love him like he loved you?

Fear. He was scared, scared that you might push him away and abandon him like everyone has. That he’d have to fetch for himself again and live in solitude until his job required him to be sent away.

And so he buried these feelings deep down. He promised to himself that in order to not get hurt, he’d tough it out. That he won’t soften on you; he promised himself to stay a strong man and not let the wild emotions in his heart deter him from doing his job. And that’s what he did. Feelings were deeper than six feet, never to be resurfaced again.

Tonight was rough for you, so you found yourself in a bar. You didn't tell Leon, why should he know about this? He'd run off and tell your father about you drinking and getting with some random guy.

So, you turned off your location and put your phone on 'Do Not Disturb.' You needed an escape, a break from current reality. And what better way than to spend it on drinking away.

But you couldn't get one drink in without him bursting through the doors of the bar. His eyes landed on you, and he dashed towards you, "What are you doing here?"

His fingers wrapped around your wrist before the cup of liquor could touch your lips. You furrowed your brows and stared at his scowl, he looked beyond pissed. You knew he had every right to feel that way but at the same time, you desperately wanted to be away for a while.

"How did you find me?" you asked him.

"I'm a government agent, Y/n. I have my ways," He replied as he took your glass and put it back down on the bar table, "C'mon, let's get you home."

He pulled you up by gently taking your forearm, he guided the two of you out and away from the bar.

“No, Leon, I don’t want to go home. I want-“

“I don’t care what you want, this isn’t safe for you. I will take you back whether you like it or not,” he quickly turned to look you. He was mad and his face was not hiding it.

With a sigh, you reluctantly let him take you away. He ended taking you both to his apartment as your place was quite literally one hour away and it was dead in the night.

“What were you thinking?” He seethed through gritted teeth, “What if something had happened to you, huh? Were you just planning on getting drunk? How would you have gotten back home if I didn’t get there?”

You were currently sitting down on his couch, wearing his clothes that he let you borrow since you didn’t feel comfortable in the dress you were wearing. Right now, he was going through one of his heated lectures where it made you feel like a child. Curse him and his authorative voice.

“What were you even doing there? That’s not a place you belong and you know it,” he stood in front of you as he glared down at you.

“I don’t know, I needed a break,” you mumbled.

Leon scoffed and deepened his furrowed brows, “A break? From what? What could possibly make you want to go to one of the most dangerous place a woman could ever be in. Don’t you ever think about your safety? What if a man had taken advantage of you and you’d gone missing by tomorrow morning?” Leon sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he paced around his living room.

His apartment was nice- small but cozy. It was very him, in a way. Minimal decor with blank walls, devoid of any pictures. He never takes pictures and you realized this a long time ago when he’d gaze at the walls in your house, staring at your pictures when you were young. He liked them but he also felt jealous. Leon didn’t have these pictures. But he did have memories he wished he could keep forever.

He was beyond stressed for you. He wouldn’t have forgiven himself if anything had happened to you. As these thought ran through his mind, he couldn’t help but feel a small tug at the string in his heart. Something he knew all too well. A feeling he’s been keeping locked away seemed to be coming back at the wrong time.

“Leon, give me a break. I just wanted to have some fun,” you mumbled as you looked at him pace back and forth like a madman. You knew he was concerned for you, but was that really it? Just concern?

“Fun? Your idea of fun is getting drunk and have creeps around you? Bullshit, Y/n. Bullshit,” he quickly retaliated.

“What was the real reason? And don’t lie to me, I can tell when you’re lying,” he grumbled and stopped pacing to look back at you.

You sighed, “I… I wanted to be cool. All my friends have gone out and had fun but not me. I’m always cooped up like a prisoner. When am I going to have my fun?”

His eyes softened slightly, very slightly, but he was still scowling at you. Do not break, is what he repeatedly told himself.

“Leon, I’m an adult. I want to make stupid decisions. I want to get drunk and have sex with random strangers,” you looked down at your hands playing with the drawstrings of the sweatpants you were wearing, “I wanted to get drunk and… lose my virginity,” you whispered.

He stood frozen in place, but then he sighed and rubbed his face with his hand, “Jesus Christ, Y/n… you’re-“

He looked at you exasperatedly, “You’re way too young to be going out and drinking with random guys— especially like this.” He leaned over you, placing his hands on the couch armrests on either side of your body before continuing. “God, I could smack you right now for being so stupid.”

He obviously didn’t mean it but he couldn’t help it. You worried him, you made him want to act irrational every time something bad was threatening you.

Your eyes slightly widened from how close he got but you weren’t complaining, “Too young?” You repeated in a whisper. You furrowed your brows and leaned closer to his face, “I’m not being stupid. It’s embarrassing being a virgin at this age. When did you lose your virginity, huh?” You quickly instigated.

“At 21,” Leon replied, his scowl lessening as he noticed that you leaned in closer. “And I was sober, too.”

His eyes remained fixated on your eyes and he stared deeply into them, “You are still too young though. That’s what I’m trying to say. When someone tells you, live your life, they don’t literally mean being in the center of danger."

You groaned and leaned back against the couch, seemingly frustrated, “I’m an adult, Leon.”

You rubbed your eyes and then looked at him, “All my friends have had sex before and I’m still seen like a fucking nun. At least you lost your virginity, who knows when I’m going to lose it,” you grumbled and crossed your arms over your chest.

He was quiet for a bit. He paced around some more before speaking again with a stern tone. "Just because you're an adult-- barely, I might add-- doesn't mean you know everything. Hell, you're still a virgin for a reason."

He sat down on the couch next to you as he tried to think of what else to say. Leon sighed and leaned forward, his elbows now resting on his knees as he looked back at you, "I can just picture it if you do go home with some guy."

Leon puts his hands back to the armrests, "Idiot pulls your pants down, gets on top of you and finishes in two seconds-"

“But at least I’ll get fucked, right?” You interjected and looked away, “It’ll be nice if someone did that, except the finishing quickly- obviously.”

“I mean- that’s gotta be an exaggeration too, right? Who finishes in two seconds?” You mumbled and looked back at him.

Leon sighs, his gaze softening slightly. He opens his mouth to say something before stopping and closing it again, “Jesus…” He takes a deep breath before speaking again. “No, it’s really not an exaggeration. There are a good number of guys who think that they’re in a movie when they’re with a girl like you. And then—“

Leon leans in close to you and grabs your arm, “You’ll hate yourself if you lose your virginity this way.”

You looked at his eyes and then sighed, “So what should I do? Be the only one who hasn’t slept with anyone before? I haven’t even kissed anyone and that is embarrassing. Everyone’s kissed someone before but not me,” you muttered.

You didn’t mind him grabbing your arm, you didn’t even notice it since you were too deep into the conversation. Why did he care anyway? It’s not like he’s going to tell your dad about this, is he?

He wouldn’t. You and him both knew he wouldn’t betray you like that. Because you both knew that deep down, feelings were there. Feelings that made the two of you act exactly like this. Like kids fighting.

“I know I’m still young but c’mon… you know kids my age have done things… I don’t want to be left out, you whispered.

“Goddamnit..” Leon groaned and grabbed the other arm, holding them in both of his huge, calloused hands, “Stop being so damn self-conscious.” He glared down at you, the intensity of his eyes nearly causing your heart rate to spike a bit.

“And stop thinking about other people. You’re young and you’ve already lost the most important one…” Leon leans in even closer to you, almost so close that your noses are touching.

You furrowed your brows confused, “I have?” You muttered, “I haven’t…” your voice trailed off as you tried to look away but you couldn’t. His blue eyes were piercing right through your eyes as both your noses were so close to touching.

He stared at you in silence, his nostrils flaring from his deep breathing. Then, without warning, he kissed you firmly on the lips, his lips meeting yours for a few solid seconds. Freezing as you felt his lips on yours, not realizing what he was doing, but then you melted. Your heart was beating so fast but you didn’t protest. You closed your eyes for those few seconds and when he pulled back you looked at him with a dazed look. He sighed and took a deep breath before speaking again, “Idiot.”

“Why… you…” you stuttered as you tried to think of something to say. Your cheeks were coated pink as you licked your lips, still tasting his lips on your lips.

Leon leaned back and glanced at you. His face was flushed, but his expression was nothing but a mix of pure tenderness and soft longing. He rubbed his thumb against the side of your cheek and looked down into your eyes before speaking in a tender, whispery voice,

“Because you won’t listen, you know you’ll regret it if you do something like that with some guy, and I didn’t want that to happen to you.”

His heart was beating out of his chest, he couldn’t believe he’d just done that but he didn’t regret it. If he could have a little bit of you, he’d take it with him to his grave.

“So… you did it instead…” you mumbled as you looked at him with big eyes. Your pupils were dilated as you stared at his eyes and then down at his lips. Then your eyes shifted back to his blue eyes again. It was unbelievable that he took it upon himself to give you your first kiss. And it left you wanting more. But was that allowed?

He looked down at your lips for a moment before looking back up. He noticed your wide, glazed over eyes, the rapid breathing, and how your cheeks were coated in pink. He noticed everything about you in this moment.

He leaned back in, close enough to be right in front of your face. Then, he placed his hand back on the side of your cheek and pulled you in for a second kiss, “I’d rather it be me instead of some guy who’ll probably just abandon you the moment they finish.”

His second kiss made you melt, you closed your eyes and brought your hand to the back of his head as you moved to straddle his lap. Once he pulled back, you looked at him, “Does that mean… you’ll take my virginity too?” You asked quietly. The question made you nervous but you still had to know if he’d do everything you just mentioned.

Leon had to take a deep breath in and out as he was getting ahead of himself here. He was barely holding back in his own eyes, and you could tell that he wanted to do so many things to you in just this moment.

But his answer was a slow nod, “Yes… I will.”

To which you could only respond with kissing him again. He grabbed your hips as you straddled him, taking you in one of his arms while you leaned down for the kiss. He moaned softly as your lips met once again for another long moment. He sighed slowly once you pulled away, leaning you back against his arm, “God, do you know how tempting it is to just carry you to my room right now and do everything to you?”

“Please do it,” you whispered as you looked down at him, your chest panting. You wanted him to absolutely wreck you. To make your first time unforgettable.

He groaned deeply at your words and lifted you off of his arm. He then picked you up, carrying you in his arms as he walked into the hall. Leon carried you into his room, and then gently laid you down on his bed, climbing on top of you and pinning you down once he did.

There were many things Leon expected in his life but none of them ever led to this moment. Sure, he’d be fine with kissing you and then pulling away to keep you safe. But that’s not what you wanted either. His heart kept pulling and pulling but he tried so hard to fight it. He tried not to fall too deep. Keyword tried.

Leon looked down at you as you lay there with your hair sprawled out and your legs spread open. Your blushing cheeks paired with your wide, dreamy eyeballs made it easy for him to feel something deep in his gut. He leaned down to your neck and began to kiss and bite it, “You have no idea about the things you make me feel.”

You closed your eyes and rolled your head back to give him more space to keep giving you hickeys on your neck. Your hands wrapped around the back of his head, gently tugging at his hair. You bit down on your bottom lip to try and suppress moans and whimpers daring to leave your throat.

“Leon,” you moaned softly as he kissed and bit your neck.

He couldn’t help it. When you tugged at his hair, his eyes rolled back for a moment from how good it felt. When you moaned his name, he had to bite your neck one last time before leaning back on his knees and taking off his shirt.

His muscly body was on display as he unbuttoned his fly and took his pants off, going back on top of you to pin you down against the bed again, “God, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do this.”

He remained in his boxer-briefs and you couldn’t help but just stare at the hot man on top of you. Heart palpitations increased as you noticed the look he had on his face- pure lust and… love?

“Me too,” you whispered as you also hastily took off your shirt and sweatpants, tossing them away to God knows where.

You both seemed to have been wanting this. It would be a lie if chemistry didn’t exist between the two of you, but it was something that was kept away and ignored. There were so many things that go against the two of you and yet, you both have found yourselves in this moment. Entangled by the strings of both of your hearts pulling you together as one puzzle piece.

As soon as he saw you down to your bra and panties, it was enough for Leon’s blood to boil and he didn’t have the capacity to wait any longer. He pulled them off of you faster than you could react, leaving you completely naked on his bed. He grinned down at you, taking one of your hands and guiding it over his chest so you could feel his muscles.

“You’re beautiful,” he muttered, looking at you like you were his angel- his goddess. A siren that captured his heart.

Your cheeks got even more red as he guided your hand to his muscly chest, causing you to whine quietly.

His smirk grew and his eyes sparkled with mischief as they looked down at you. With one hand wrapped around yours and the other at the small of your back, he leaned down to softly bite your neck again.

This was the perfect moment for him, he felt like he could finally be closer to you. To finally feel you for the first time. A renaissance, a revival of the piece of art that was under him. The rebirth of happiness.

He paused for a moment and stared down at you before leaning in yet again, “Y/n…”

“God, just ruin me,” you whispered as he leaned down on your neck again to bite and kiss it. Pink and purple spots beginning to coat your delicate skin from the hickeys and love-bites. That man was desperate, deprived of love and you could tell by the way he was handling your body. It was like fire spreading through your body, the warm sensation running down your skin as he licked and nipped every crevice of your neck and collarbone. Marking you, claiming you, loving you.

He felt his entire body vibrate as those words left your lips. His eyes began to roll back one last time and he groaned lowly. Without waiting for another moment, Leon started to slowly move his head southward. He gently ran his hands along the side of your body as he kissed and bit your shoulders, chest, and then the top of your breasts.

“Leon,” you moaned softly as he began to kiss your breasts, feeling them become even more sensitive. Your nipples were hard from arousal to the point where they ached for more. Your hands wrapped around his head as your fingers interlaced with his blond hair, pulling him closer to your chest.

He was being gently encouraged to stay there. To continue to torture you. And he did. Once you tell a dog to stay, he stays. And god, he’d be a dog for you if you asked him to. To him, you were the warmth of the sun shining through his window.

To him, you were the reason he wakes up early in the morning.

To him, you were the reason why even bothered to stay.

To him, you were everything.

With one hand still holding yours, the other one moved to the side of your thigh to hold your leg in place. He kissed your chest again, this time with more intensity as his hands gripped your thigh even tighter. One hand slid up your thigh, slowly teasing the line of your underwear.

You both have longed for this. The unspoken words exchanged through glances said enough.

The way you spoke his name in a soft, breathy voice was enough to send a bolt of electricity through his body. He liked what he was doing to you, he really did.

He leaned in again, this time placing his mouth right on the line where his hand was. His fingers pulled your panties to the side as his eyes set on your wet cunt. He used his tongue to lightly brush back and forth, barely even teasing you. And then, without warning, he slid his fingers inside you.

You closed your eyes tightly shut and arched your back, “Leon!” You whimpered and moaned softly. It all felt so fulfilling.

His tongue, his hands- it all sent wave after wave of pleasure. Your hands gripped his bedsheets as you moaned his name like a prayer.

“Leon, Leon, Leon,” you breathed out.

You were so sweet and soft when you were at this state. That was something he loved about you. And when you were begging for him like this? It was enough for every part of him to get a little hot.

He slid his fingers in deeper, moving his fingers around a bit before curling them and moving them inside you. All while his mouth and tongue nipped at your clit.

He moaned softly as he did, still teasing you with his tongue. You tasted sweet. A sweet nectar that drove him over the edge. Well not really but he could. He could cum just now from how delicious your pussy tasted.

His tongue dragged along your wet folds, eliciting a shuddered moan from you. He loved your reactions, three way his touch affected you so much when he felt like he was doing nothing.

He’d do more if you let him into your heart, he thought.

“Oh my god,” you breathed out as he curled his fingers, “Leon,” you moaned softly in a whiny voice.

Leon’s body was twitching from all the noises you were spouting and the way your legs were squirming. It was a perfect mix of adorable and tantalizing in the best way possible.

He knew you were about to cum, given the fact your moans became more short and breathy. You merge began to twitch just a little and he had to grip your thighs to hold them down.

His fingers moved faster, his tongue moved quicker, but most importantly, the strength of his grasp on you and himself increased. He was close to losing himself at this point, ready to reach his peak at any moment.

“Leon!” You moaned a little too loud. Your back arched as your toes curled when you came on his face. His tongue and fingers made you feel like you reached heaven- nirvana too.

He moaned loudly as you released yourself against his face, grabbing onto your hips to keep you in place and prevent you from slipping away from him. But even so, he could taste and smell you on him, and the sight of such a pretty girl in this state turned him on infinitely more.

His blue eyes barely visible from his dilated pupils, his blonde hair shining from the light of his room, how your cum dripped down his face. But you couldn’t help but shift your focus to his lips. They were so much more plump than before and he had this look like he just struck gold.

At that moment, he pulled his hand out from between your legs and moved it to your shoulder, moving your leg and hand away from him.

He slowly sat up and leaned close to your ear again, “You taste so sweet I want to keep you all to myself,” he whispered.

You couldn’t believe you had my first orgasm from his tongue and fingers, you were left a panting mess. But that wasn’t the end. You looked up at him and kissed him as he was still on top of you. You could taste yourself on his lips and it caused you to moan just a little bit. And he groaned when you kissed him.

He broke the kiss off once more, breathing heavily and staring down at you. Your body was still covered in a slight glow from the orgasm you just had. His eyes were fixed on yours, his lips wet with your taste.

"God, I need you," he breathed in a low tone, staring back at your body.

“I need you too,” you whispered as you wrapped your hands around his neck and pulled him down with you. Your lips finding his again and his hands immediately went to your waist.

He groaned deeply as he kissed you again, diving back into the heat of the moment as his body was filled with every emotion in the book.

He felt something in that moment though… he felt something he’s only felt a few times in his life, something that could really take him to the highest heights and then throw him down to the lowest depths.

“I love you,” he whispered softly as he breathed out, looking deeply in your eyes and staring at you with pure adoration.

His tone, his words, his eyes- he meant it. And you knew it.

Your eyes were full of pure adoration as well. In this moment you had realized that this time, you had fallen for him. You loved him too.

The stolen glances from when you were in the same room, when he’s had to help you out countless times, when he comforted you on your lowest days, and when he would make you the happiest by remembering your favorite things. He was more than just a bodyguard to you. He became your world.

“I love you too,” you whispered back. You stared deeply into his eyes as your fingers gently brushed away blonde strands of hair from his face.

His heart was beating rapidly as he took in every single touch and movement you made to him. From the strokes of your fingers, to your soft voice, to the stare of admiration in your eyes, to the way you spoke to his face.

He was all yours now, this girl who was his to protect and cherish until his last breath.

There was no hiding how much he loved you by the way his eyes looked at you. It was clear in this moment that his feelings for you were genuine and honest. He didn't like you just because you were pretty and cute. He loved you for all of who you were.

He could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes as he leaned in and kissed you lightly, "I'll protect you until the day I die," he told you, staring deeply into your eyes.

His body was trembling as his heart beat against his chest again from these words. This was a feeling he truly didn't deserve. How could this girl love someone like him so much?

Your words brought out the feelings in his heart that he so desperately wanted to keep hidden away. He took in every moment of this, the way your eyes looked at him and the way your delicate hands were touching his face.

He felt complete. The strings playing at his heart were in your mercy and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

He pulled you in even tighter than he had ever done before. His hands were all over you as he kissed you repeatedly once more, his lips pressing against your own as your own taste filled his mouth once again.

He didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want this moment to end.

He wanted to live in this moment forever.

He pulled away from you once more, looking straight down at your body with his blue eyes looking down at you, "You know, you're the first girl to ever really make me feel this way.” he muttered.

“Me too,” you whispered as you stared up at him with the same level of adoration and love.

No matter how many times you could deny it, you felt just the same as he did in this very moment. Your heart felt like it would combust at any moment from the fact that your feelings are being reciprocated. That you both felt the exactly same thing if not even more. And that was enough for you to want to be with him. Regardless of him being your bodyguard.

“I want you,” you whispered.

A warm feeling ran through his entire body after hearing these words. This was something he could never truly describe, a feeling that was so strong yet so light at the same time. The love coming from you was enough to give him an uncontrollable urge to make all of his fantasies and desires come true. He couldn't resist you anymore, not with this level of mutual love between the two.

"I want you too," he whispered back. "Just promise me one thing. Promise me that, no matter what happens, I'll never lose you."

“Say it,” he begged, “Promise me I’ll never lose you…” he begged in a whisper. It was a plea, he dreaded the idea of losing you. He wanted you forever. Just the mere thought of you being away from his arms was enough to make his heart shatter a bit.

He needed to hear you say it. To tell him everything was going to be okay and you’ll forever be his. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much shit he’s been through, he also dreams of having his true love by his side every time he wakes up.

“I promise,” you whispered, “I promise you’ll never lose me… if you let me have you.”

One simple sentence from your soft lips and he was ready to melt and fall at your feet. He was yours and you were his in that moment.

"You have me," was what he responded with, as he gently leaned in to kiss your neck and jaw again.

“And you have me,” you closed your eyes as you whispered to him. You wrapped your hands around his hair as your hips bucked against his

"I've always had you," he spoke in barely audible tone as it was filled with the sounds of wet kisses.

His hand slid down your side again, gently sliding underneath your hip to hold you in place as he began to bite your neck again. All of his attention was now on you, and there was no longer another thought in his mind.

You moaned softly at his kisses and touches, “Leon,” you breathed out as you tugged at his hair.

His breath hitched and he pulled back slowly, his blue eyes gazing down at you as you squirmed around under him. His lips were swollen from the heat of your kisses and his jaw was clenched tightly from the pure pleasure rushing down his body.

He sighed softly for a moment and his eyes trailed down to the dresser next to the bed. He picked up the condoms from the drawer, opened the pack and opened one of them, before looking back up at you.

As much as he’d love to do it raw, he would never hurt his baby. His girl. His darling. He wasn’t that kind of man. No… he’s better than that.

"I'll go slowly, okay?"

You nodded and stared as he opened the condom, “Yeah… I’m okay with that,” you reassured in a quiet voice, a small and shy smile tugging at your lips.

He felt something in his heart when seeing that small, shy smile. It hurt how cute you were. The way you said your words in that shy voice and the little smile, it all made his heart ache with happiness.

"You're so beautiful," he muttered softly before leaning in, "I hope this is everything you've thought it would be.”

With a lot of care and time, he pulled down his boxer-briefs and put the condom on. He made sure it was nice and snug. He hovered over you for a moment, his hands slowly moving to your waist and hip.

"Promise me you'll tell me if it hurts the first time, alright?” He whispered as he slowly shifted back over top of you, making sure he was positioned just right.

You nodded as you felt him position himself while being on top of you, “I will,” you reassured. Your hands found their way to his back as you embraced him.

He nodded back as he took a slow, steady breath in and out. He could feel your touch through his back, your hands slowly running along his back as he slowly entered you for the very first time.

You felt his cock slowly enter your cunt and it made you grip his shoulder blades as you closed your eyes.

He groaned softly as he sighed in relief, slowly pushing himself in until his pelvic made contact with you. He held himself in place and looked into your eyes for approval. To know that everything was okay before he’d start thrusting into you.

Your eyes closed tightly as your nails dig into his skin, he felt big or maybe you were tight, who knows. But it felt good. You opened your eyes and stared at him, giving him a nod that it didn’t hurt and everything was okay.

He sighed softly in relief, feeling the grip from your hands around his body tighten for a moment as his body relaxed from his slight worries.

"You feel amazing," was all he could muster out as he slowly and gentle began to rock back and forth, starting to move inside of you as he leaned back onto his knees again for support. As he began to thrust into you, your moans and his grunts echoed through his room as the bed gently creaked from his rocking.

The sight of you under him and the noises of your moans were enough to have his mind go blank from all of the thoughts.

His body was shaking as his heart thumped loudly in his chest. He felt the warmth of you around him and he couldn't think straight. He started to move in and out of you slowly, his grunts growing louder as time felt like it had stopped for the two of you.

His hands gripped the back of your thighs more firmly as his hands moved along your back again to have more of your body pressed up against his.

Your moans and his grunts were lost in his room as he began to move. The bed began to creak at his movements, slowly and gently slamming against the back wall. Your hands were gripping and scratching his back out of pleasure, it was a type of fulfillment that made you drunk on him. That made you addicted to everything about him. And you wanted to be selfish and keep him to yourself.

“Leon,” you moaned softly against his ear.

His breathing steadily got quicker as he leaned in closer to you. Your moans only fed the fire inside of him and made him move faster and harder. His lips were brushing and nibbling on your neck while he continued.

His back was arching as your nails dug deeper upon his skin. His breathing was quickening and he groan out your name, "Y/n..."

You were close to your second climax of the day, you felt like puddy or mush in his hands. His touch melted you into whatever he wanted- you wouldn’t even complain.

Your back arched and you pressed my breasts against his chest, “Leon,” you breathed out. Your moans began to get more airy and short.

He leaned down back to kiss you while he rocked faster and harder into you. He could feel the warmth of the room fill up with pure steam as sweat covered both of you. The kiss sloppy and wet, not even a real kiss since the two of you were moaning and grunting out of pleasure.

His grip tightened on you as he moaned your name again, his hands now grabbing onto yours and squeezing them tightly as his hips moved back and forth. His interlocked his hand with yours as he thrusted into you, his cock filling you. A sensation that drove you insane in the best way.

"Almost there," he whispered, his breathing growing heavy around you.

“Me too,” you whispered back as you closed your eyes and let him look down at your face. Your jaw slightly open as you moaned and whimpered.

He couldn’t help but stare at your face, he thought you looked beautiful like this. His eyes scanned every little detail about your face and body, wanting to remember this forever. If he could, he’d definitely have this moment hanged up on the wall of his apartment. A memory so important to him that he’d have no shame in showing you off. But he wouldn’t do that. You were his and he didn’t want anyone else but him to look at you like this.

Your walls were beginning to clump down on his cock. You were close to cumming for the second time today, which surprised you because you’ve never done this before.

Soon, you did climax on him while he kept going. Your body convulsed and fell limp under him as he chased his own high. Your eyes were half-lidded as you were overrun with that satisfied and happy feeling that came with the post-orgasm jitters.

He sighed deeply as he felt you throb around his cock. Your body shook and your head rolled back as the climax overwhelmed your body and flooded it with endorphins.

He groaned softly as he finally reached his climax, moaning out your name in such a heated tone. He was glad he was wearing a condom, but god did the thought of breeding ran through his head at least once.

He let loose with a loud groan as he came inside you, with the condom still on. His cock began to pulse inside of you as a surge of pleasure flooded his body with everything it ever needed.

He laid down on top of you, panting heavily as his sweat soaked body pressed up against you. His hands went back to their usual spot and laid against your hips as he breathed in sharply, his heart beat quickening even more.

"Oh God," he moaned, his eyes slowly closing in relief. He wanted to be inside you forever. You just felt so good. Too good, he’d say but he didn’t care. He wanted you. So. Much.

Your hands lazily drew circles on his back as you closed your eyes as well and let him fall on top of you. Letting out a deep sigh out of pleasure and relief, you couldn’t help but feel your heart also tug its strings.

“Thank you,” you whispered quietly. If you were asked who would’ve you wanted to have sex with, you’d only say Leon. He knows how to make you happy, he knows how to cheer you and make you feel this good. He knows you. Probably than you know yourself too.

He groaned softly as he heard those words, leaning a little back at you from his position. He leaned down to kiss you softly and gently, breathing in the scent of your hair as he looked into your eyes, his hair falling in front of his eyes, covering half of his face.

"You're welcome," he whispered back, his voice low, calm and soft as he laid back down on you with his face buried into your neck. He pulled you closer and wrapped his arms around your waist.

One thing he couldn't deny in this moment was how perfect this girl was to him. There was something about you that just made him feel complete, something that made everything in life just make sense.

"I love you," he whispered, his eyes still being closed.

“I love you too,” you whispered and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him too. Basking yourself under his weight and warmth- albeit the sweat sticking you two together.

Your breathing slowed down from panting. You felt exhausted but it was worth it. You both needed a shower but you were too lazy right now- you both were too lazy to even move an inch.

This moment was one that he would keep dear to himself for all time. The feel of your skin, the smell of you and the warmth of your body all made him feel home. His fingers were running through your hair, and his breathing was becoming more normal again in that moment.

"We probably need to shower soon," he muttered as he kissed your neck one last time.

“Two more minutes,” you whispered as you held on to him tighter.

He sighed softly into your neck as he lay his forehead against yours. His eyes still closed as he chuckled at your request.

"Fine, two minutes before we get up," he whispered as his breath was still soft against your skin.

You sighed contently and relaxed under him. There were many things to do; get rid of the used condom, take a shower, and do aftercare. But for now, all you needed was to be with him. To feel loved.

And so you did, spending those two extra minutes together. Your bodies were still tightly intertwined, his head pressing against your neck as he gave you little kisses every now and then.

But eventually, his eyes opened and you could hear him sigh again as he shifted his body to be on his side rather than on top of you.

“So… ready for that shower?” You turned your head to the side and as he moved next to you instead of being on top of you.

"Yeah, I think it's about time we finally do so," he sighed as he rolled off of the bed. He stretched his arms upwards and you could hear his back crack at the stretch.

"I’m sticky with sweat all over," he chuckled, grabbing the blanket and placing it over your body before standing up and walking to the bathroom.

You giggled, “Don’t forget the condom,” you teased as he was still wearing the now used condom. You pulled the blanket aside and walked over to him to the bathroom.

He stopped once he heard your teasing, his body freezing from his pace as he looked down between his legs. He groaned as his face turned scarlet from embarrassment, he slowly turned around as all of his cocky confidence disappeared in a single second.

He let loose a laugh and took it off before flicking it into the bin.

He looked back at you and smirked weakly, "I'm going to pretend that never happened."

You chuckled and walked into the bathroom first, “It’s okay, don’t get embarrassed. It happens to hot people,” you grinned as you pulled him to the bathroom by the hands.

"Yeah, whatever," was all he could mumble as he stepped into the bathroom, his arm moving to the sink to turn on the faucet. Although, his smirk and slight snort didn’t go unnoticed by you. It made you happy that you could still tease and have fun with him during these moments.

"I'd say something back but you're pretty hot yourself so I'm not going to talk," he grumbled.

He looked over the shower at you with a raised eyebrow. Leon leaned back against the sink for support and folded his arms over his chest, a small smirk appearing on his face as he was beginning to calm down from his embarrassment.

"Cold," he answered back, without hesitation.

Scrunching up your face, you shook your head disapprovingly, “Cold? Seriously? What, do you live in the North Pole or something?” You joked as you turned the temperature adjustment to cold like he said.

A single chuckle left his mouth as he glared at you, "Shut up," he frowned with a slight giggle, "Don't tell me you're one of those people that likes burning hot water during a shower?"

“Actually yes, I love hot and steamy showers that burn my skin,” you mumbled as you joined him on the cold shower. You wrapped your arms around your body as you shivered, “Holy shit, dude. This is freezing,” you muttered through chittering teeth.

He put his hand around your waist once again and pulled you closer to his body, his chest pressing against your back as he pulled you into his embrace. His body growing warmer than yours as his hand began to rub your stomach. His body heat slowly transferred over to yours.

He sighed quietly and turned the knob up, changing the temperature to a warm feeling, although still not hot. You could feel his hands still wrap around you as his one hand went down underneath your chin and pulled your head back so you'd look at him.

He cupped your face with his hand and brushed your hair back out of your face, "There, is that better?" he asked you as he smirked and looked at you.

“Actually it is,” you huffed and turned back to begin cleaning your body.

He smirked and began to clean himself as well. His eyes gazing at you as the hot water ran down his body. His eyes traveled around every inch of your body as he took a look at you, he couldn't help but feel like he was staring at an image of beauty as you began to bathe yourself.

He couldn’t help it, he wrapped his arms wrapped around your waist from the side as they pulled you back into his form. He couldn’t help it, he loved this sight a little too much. It was so innocent and yet so attractive to him. You could be doing the simplest thing and he’d love it.

He continued to watch you soap yourself up, his face having a hint of a dreamy look in his eyes. His gaze traced your entire body, taking in your curves and how beautiful you were to him as he breathed in deeply.

"You have a beautiful body, you know that," he whispered.

You chuckled and kept lathering yourself in soap, “You think so?” You whispered.

He smirked and nodded his head as he continued to trace you with his eyes, his gaze admiring every single part of your body.

"More than beautiful," he sighed as his eyes continued to wander across your form. He couldn't help but wonder how he had gotten this lucky to have someone as perfect as you in his life.

"The prettiest face I've ever seen too. You're like a goddess to me," he moaned. He put his head against the side of your neck and kissed it softly as his hands moved up and down your body.

"Every inch of you is perfect," he murmured, "I'd say you're even better than a dream."

One could tell he was so madly in love. He never felt love like this, not this strong. And he wanted more. You broke him in the best way possible.

This version of Leon became a version that he hid away and promised himself to never bring back. Yet, in all the time that he’s been your bodyguard, you’ve managed to make him break that promise. His feelings took hold of him, probably for the first time in a while. But this time, he decided not to fight it.

This time, he decided to stay true to himself and let himself be loved and love the one girl who dared enough to love his broken self.

And he couldn’t ask for anything better.

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