#sometimes it makes what happens in the s6 finale okay because what was never born may never die

[zaffiri-saffici]

Thanks for tagging me here, @girl4music! Finally got the chance to read your post and was nodding my head the whole way through. You make such compelling points that are hard to argue against, if at all. And, as someone who is currently in the process of rewatching this show from start to finish, this additional context really alters your perspective of the thing you're seeing in such a fulfilling and important way!

I think when you reframe the show from the standpoint of it being an epic, slow burn romance between two women who are seemingly different yet absolute compliments to one another, what ends up happening is this: you realize that the cornerstone driving the whole show forward is the exploration of that exact thing.

Xena and Gabrielle, two parts of a whole, the "other half of a soul," finding each other, time and time again. In every lifetime, in every story, in every moment past, present, and future. This is especially evident when you examine some of the dialogue of the earlier seasons.

I am drawn back to the scene in "Prometheus" 1x08 where Gabrielle tells Iolaus the story of how the gods split people in two, forever walking the earth in search of the other desperate to be united because they share the same soul. You could even extend into the HTLJ episode "Armageddon Now Part II" 4x14 because of how much the franchise crossed over. Even though it's a past/altered timeline, it's important to take note of it. Ialous tells Xena she's destined for great things as a hero, and Xena's response to it is, "A hero? Me? Well, maybe I'll even find true love, huh?"

It's so telling because as we shift back to the present timeline and the Dahak arc, we can see that the thing so innately tied to Xena's redemption is this story of her journey with Gabrielle, that it is almost impossible to see XWP as anything else than this astounding tale. The love story of the ages.

(Can I also point out how funny it is that some of the most important dialogue that sets up this love story happens when they are both with Iolaus?)

The beauty of it all is that we, the passionate viewers of this incredible show, are privileged enough that we get to join them for this one snapshot in an eternity of stories of them reuniting and falling in love all over again and again and again—the absolute reunification of two halves of a whole.

One soul in two bodies.

It so happens that this particular story—the one where they find each other first as a warrior from Amphipolis and a bard from Potidaea, just so happens to be in Greece, in a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings.

Xena and Gabrielle: Character study thesis

This is a character study thesis for explaining and understanding how and why Xena and Gabrielle are, as I always like to call them, the human representation of ‘Yin-yang’. Putting forth a point of view that clearly identifies and exemplifies that they are one soul in two bodies throughout the whole show, and as you watch each episode in sequence, it becomes apparent that they swap over roles and become each other.

Section 1: What ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ is about.

What is the show about to begin with and how does it change to represent stronger and more substantiated content, that inadvertently revolutionizes the show passed its initial premise and delivers excellently written character development?

I could just say it’s an action/drama/comedy show about a female ex-warlord who has turned good and now helps the innocent to seek redemption for the evil things she’s done in her past, but that’s honestly not the truth… at least… not the whole truth. That’s just how it starts off. The show becomes much more than was ever intended for its original plan, and it seems almost by accident that it happens. What it becomes is something else entirely. What ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ is about, throughout all its seasons, is an EPIC romance about soulmates who find each other at the most critical time. The entire show is dedicated to the growth of these characters both as individuals and as a couple. They bring out the best in each other. It is a slow burn romance of best friends evolving into lovers. Very slow. But you see their connection from the very beginning. The evolution of these characters, in their individual storylines, and the storylines they have together, will be the main factor in the postulated idea that they were one soul in two bodies that eventually passed into each other. As you watch them, episode to episode, you see for yourself the evidence of that.

What my intention is with this character study is to point out when and where Xena and Gabrielle show signs of their spiritual essences permeating into each other through how much they influence each other’s mindset and personality. I don’t want to state the case that they turn into each other because they make each other that way. More so that they become each other because they are already whole at the soul level, but that it takes a lot of life experience in the negatives and positives to bring that out at the human level. It takes meeting each other and travelling together to set in motion the events of the indications of their oneness. To prove to them that they are indeed a part of each other because they are two parts of one whole. That’s what I will try to explain as best I can in this thesis to help you recognize this same perspective and understand as to why it’s important to be aware of as you watch the show. So that you can see and appreciate for yourself that stronger and substantiated content that shows you that you’re watching a story of the romance that is just as good, or in my opinion, BETTER than those classic love stories, such as ‘Romeo and Juliet’ or ‘Guinevere and Lancelot.’

Section 2: In the right place at the right time.

How does meeting each other play a huge part in the changing of Xena and Gabrielle’s lives, and why was it exactly at that moment in exactly that way that they did meet when it could have been at any other time and in any other place?

Forget about Xena’s introduction in ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’ because this is really where it all starts. Not only Xena’s individual storyline in seeking her redemption for the sins of her past but also hers and Gabrielle’s storyline of going from sheer strangers to the most loyal of partners. They meet each other in the most unusual of circumstances. While during a fight. Gabrielle, as well as most of her town, including her mother and sister, gets taken hostage by Draco’s henchmen, Hector and his band of thugs. He has plans to take them to the ruthless warlord and sell them off to the highest bidder. Xena runs for the cover of the nearby bushes and watches as the young blonde bravely steps forward and demands from him to take her in exchange for letting the rest of the captured go. He raises his hand ready to whip her and that’s when our lead protagonist steps in to stop the situation. This saves Gabrielle from a severe beating, that in her brittle form, she probably wouldn’t have ever recovered from and eventually died.

Unbeknownst to the audience on a first watch, it is also the moment when Xena’s about to commit suicide. So, we take in the information that Gabrielle saved Xena’s life at the same time Xena saved hers. It’s so subtle, that if you don’t pay attention, you will miss this, and it will take you a couple of run-throughs watching the scene to notice it. There is evidence for this interpretation as it is revealed in Season 6, during the episode ‘Legacy’, where Xena admits to Gabrielle that she changed her mind, or rather, took over it enough so that she didn’t go through with it. This information changes the tone of the entire show, I would say, as it immediately brings you right into what it is that Xena and Gabrielle do best for one another. Change and save each other’s lives. Constantly preventing these dark tendencies of suicidal or self-sacrificial instances to keep each other alive. Therefore, they meet then and there to do just that. Change and save each other’s lives. The circumstances were foretold. It was destined that they should discover each other in and at that precise moment. For in that lifetime, if they had followed through with those events, they never would have discovered each other at all, as they would both be dead.

Section 3: The balance of ‘Yin and Yang’.

What is it that makes two completely opposite and contradictory forces interconnected and complementary, and how does this relate to Xena and Gabrielle and explain the intensity and seemingly intrinsic nature of their relationship so accurately?

I’ve been developing a theory for a while now about Xena and Gabrielle that’s about how they influenced each other in personality and changed each other emotionally. I sometimes refer to Xena and Gabrielle as ‘Yin and Yang’, as to me, they are the perfect human representation of duality. Basically, what I mean by that is that they are each other’s balance. Their spiritual essences permeate into each other throughout the course of the show, and this is my theory that they become as one by the end of it. I wanted to present that as an overall thesis because there was so much within the episodes that showed this incredible spiritual connection between these two characters that you just don’t pick up unless you are conscious of the perspective in the first place. 

Before we go into it, I first want to explain what I interpret ‘Yin and Yang’ to mean. ‘Yin and Yang’ are two polar oppositions. For example; the Dark principle and the Light principle. The principles are contradictory, but they complement each other in that one principle can provide what the other principle does not have. I use the analogy of a puzzle piece to explain this. A puzzle piece can only connect into another piece if that piece is the perfect opposite to it, otherwise, it can’t fit and therefore won’t connect. The pieces in a puzzle are designed in such a way so that they can fit into each other to create a bigger picture. It’s just the same as a soulmate, but I prefer to use the term puzzle piece, as it makes far more sense to me. ‘Yin and Yang’ are never separate as one needs the other to exist. Much like how you can’t have space without solid or solid without space. It cannot be either solid or space as neither principle can exist without the other there. It needs its polarity to exist in the first place. Even if these principles appear to be separated, they are not, as neither is what it is without its significant other, or it cannot function properly without it. Understand what I mean by that? “Shadow and Light are two sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other”, as Zelda so beautifully put it in ‘The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess’ game.

Let’s get on to how Xena and Gabrielle are the perfect human representation of ‘Yin and Yang’, and how they influenced each other in personality and changed each other emotionally because they are soulmates. Think about how opposite the pair is and how that might be beneficial to them in a relationship. Xena is very mind-orientated. She thinks three steps ahead of the game. Constantly thinking, planning and measuring. This gives her extreme advantage in battle, as she always knows what to do before she does it. To begin with, she has a lot of trouble with intimacy and emotion and is very stiff and stoic. So she isn’t much of a talker, other than the few well-thought-out intimidating lines to her foes. But because of this, she’s very good at listening to others and listening to her surroundings, which proves to be very useful to Gabrielle, who is very heart-orientated. Gabrielle feels, and she feels very deeply. This causes her to act before she thinks and that gets her into a lot of trouble in the early episodes of the show, which Xena just happens to have the ability and the quick strategic thinking to sort out. To begin with, Gabrielle is naïve and idealistic. But because of this, she is a fantastic storyteller and is very compassionate, therefore can offer emotional support and healing to those that need a bit of a pick me up at times, such as Xena. Do you see how their differences in strengths and weaknesses help to aid each other? One can give what the other lacks. They feed off each other. They fill the empty spaces in their lives as individuals by being together. They need each other to be all that they are and to evolve as people. Together, they are a complete whole. This is precisely what ‘Yin and Yang’ stands for. It’s balance. The scales are equal in the principles when together but unequal when apart. They balance each other out.

So, as I’ve stated above, this leads me to a theory that because Xena and Gabrielle can influence each other in personality and change each other emotionally like this, eventually they swap over roles. The principles correlate with each other so much that they end up passing into each other and by the end of the show, Xena and Gabrielle become each other.

Section 4: A dark heart is shadowed until the light shines in.

How do the consequences of a dark past have an extremely effective influence over the thoughts and feelings of the Warrior Princess, and why isn’t a guilty conscience enough for her to stay on the road to redemption and walk it without promising to her compassionate companion that she would not return to her old ways?

The introduction of the character Callisto to the show adds a much heavier layer to what is already an overwhelming story of redemption, vengeance, love, forgiveness and balance, which are to me, the main themes in the show that are reiterated repeatedly as it progresses in writing, production and direction. Callisto becomes the main villain in the show, but she isn’t your run-of-the-mill evil villain. Oh, no, no, no. I like to think of Callisto as more of an antagonist than a villain. She has an extremely complicated storyline of her own that inexplicably ties in with Xena’s because Xena murdered her family, or so that’s what she adamantly believes. It’s hard to explain or understand just how much this character is an integral reason for Xena’s reformation from being an evil warlord to a heroine for good, and how the consequences of her dark past have really screwed Callisto up and turned her into, for lack of a better word, a psychopath who is absolutely bent on destroying everything that makes Xena who she is. Starting with her reputation, and eventually escalating to the people she loves and cares about in all the world. This character is so crucial to ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, that there is never any way to stop her even when she dies. She’s that dedicated to ruining Xena and Gabrielle’s lives. Callisto doesn’t just want to kill Xena. She wants to kill her soul because that is what Xena has done to her. It’s hard to think of Callisto as any kind of villain because you develop such sympathy for her throughout all her appearances in the show. She’s so messed up in the head that you just don’t think of her as an evil person, just an extremely depressed and misunderstood one. What happens to her, in the end, is something that needed to happen, and I was unbelievably happy did. She did terrible things, but she needed the opportunity to be saved and forgiven as Xena did, and fortunately, the show’s producers gave her the ending she deserved.

This leads me on to what happens when Callisto meets Xena face to face for the first time in the late Season 1 episode, titled ‘Callisto’, and how Gabrielle plays a part in stopping Xena from crumbling down in guilt and regret and letting her go because of it once they captured her. Xena doesn’t blame Callisto for how she ended up, knowing that it was her own fault she became that way in the first place. Even if she didn’t mean for her family to be killed in the fire her own men started against her orders all those years ago in ‘Cirra’, Callisto’s hometown, she still felt solely responsible for the consequences that followed.

There is a very important scene, which I call ‘The Promise’ scene, from this episode where Gabrielle asks Xena to promise her that if anything happened to her in their travels together, that she would not turn away from her path of atonement, and rampage like a raving blood-lusted lunatic the way Callisto was. You see for the first time Xena’s vulnerability and struggle with sensitivity. She was finding it so difficult to cry in front of Gabrielle. She tries to send her off to bed before she could see the tears streaming down her face, but Gabrielle wasn’t having it. She made sure she promised her, and that she was sincere with the words. She sees the tears and tries to brush them away from her face. Xena immediately turns away from her and tells her to go to bed, but she doesn’t move. Gabrielle just sits there by her side sharing her pain and accepting her for who she is now, which I find extremely powerful and beautiful. Xena has probably never encountered acceptance like that in her life before, or she wasn’t paying enough attention to see it. The fact that Gabrielle refuses to leave her must have thrown her off. She left herself unguarded for the very first time in her life in front of this young woman. As the flickering flames danced before them, illuminating their faces, we see the Warrior Princess’ walls down for the very first time. The Bard had succeeded in bringing out her sensitive side, if only just for a moment. This would be the beginning of a transformation so intense, it would completely change Xena’s personality and mindset forevermore. Love and forgiveness would be her saving grace, and the beautiful soul sat across from her would be the reason why it happened at all.

Flashing forward to Season 4… When Xena lost Gabrielle she focused on trying to see her again instead of going back to her old ways. In ‘Adventures In The Sin Trade’, while searching for her, she realizes she had to put something right that she caused to happen in her history. Keeping her promise to Gabrielle, she tells her that she can’t carry on in her search for her. Sticking to ‘The Greater Good’, as that is what she would want her to do.

The final sections to this character study thesis are to tie up loose ends in the perspective and conclude the overall point that there was a lot of logic and reasoning to give the opinion that Xena and Gabrielle are the human representation of ‘Yin-yang’, that served on the basis of proof that they passed into and became each other in the end, as one, and will forever be together in all the alternative realities, soul reincarnations, and any denominations of the afterlife they would experience because their love was just that strong.

Section 5: The three-way love triangle.

How does Gabrielle and Ares’ interesting dynamic significantly impact Xena, and what is it that seems to make the Warrior Princess side with the Battling Bard and reject the God of War, despite having an unwillingness to do so, and no control over the situations she’s put in?

To start off, we’ll talk about what it is that Gabrielle and Ares have in common if anything. Obviously, it’s Xena. They both have a thing for her, but it’s more than that. They both also have an influence on her in different ways. It appears that Ares is Xena’s Dark side and Gabrielle is Xena’s Light side. This is what I really want to explain in-depth here to show the significant changes in Xena’s personality and mindset in her daily life travelling with Gabrielle and not being guided by Ares anymore. So, we’ve established that Gabrielle is Xena’s Light. Xena even refers to her as that in ‘Adventures In The Sin Trade’, just as she was deciding on what to do between looking for her or helping the Amazon tribe pass over into eternity. She chooses to do the latter, as she knows it’s what Gabrielle would want her to do, and she dedicates that specific good deed to her later in the second part of the story, exclaiming, “This one’s for you, Gabrielle.” So Gabrielle’s influence on Xena was for her to dedicate her time, energy and life to ‘The Greater Good’. Helping others and being a heroine for the world.

In Season 5, in the episode ‘Succession’, after Gabrielle’s physical transformation into a sai-wielding warrior, Ares offers Gabrielle a chance to become his ‘Warrior Queen’, even though he has absolutely no interest in her at all when it comes to who deserves the opportunity to carry on the God of Wars’ mantle. He wouldn’t give it to Mavican, and at that time, she was clearly the better fighter. So why was it that he was offering the position to Gabrielle of all people? Why is he giving her a chance to prove herself as a worthy candidate? Twice, in fact, he makes this odd proposition to her. Now, this isn’t really brought up in the show, but I personally think it comes down to his tendency to use people as leverage to get to others. In this case, Xena. I personally feel he had no intention of giving Gabrielle the honour of what he would gladly give Xena if she were to take it. But he knew if there was one thing that would make her take it, Gabrielle would be it. Gabrielle was his sway over her resolve. This, I believe, was a plan he was concocting for a long time since he knew that Gabrielle was her weakness, and yet the only thing that stood against him when it came to manipulating Xena into being triggered into her warlord ways again. It wasn’t her father or her mother or even her son. It was always Gabrielle. Gabrielle was the ticket to getting his way, and he used her in ‘Succession’ and ‘Seeds Of Faith’ as a ploy to force Xena to say “yes” to being his ‘Warrior Queen’.

Which then leads us on to the way Gabrielle thought about Ares. Her opinion of what his constant attempts to try winning Xena over from her would ultimately do to her. It would destroy her and everything she’s worked for in seeking her redemption. According to Gabrielle, he would be her downfall to be a better person. A person that wasn’t necessarily good or bad, but someone who would always choose the selfish route because she wouldn’t be given the choice to do the opposite. THIS WAS IT! This was why Gabrielle always won the battle for Xena’s love and affection. That choice of being good or evil. Gabrielle gave her a CHOICE, whereas Ares never did. Gabrielle did not try to manipulate, condition or control Xena. What she did was something far greater than that. She showed her that living for others would be more fulfilling than living for herself. She reminded her that although she could do anything she desired, the consequences were that she would never be truly happy, and innocents would suffer. Gabrielle had so much faith in Xena, that even when she did do something wrong, she trusted that Xena could find her own way out of it when it was showcased several times in the show that she could not without her help. Xena loved her immensely for this reason and despised Ares because he provided her with no other alternative. Before Gabrielle came into Xena’s life, Xena thought Ares’ ways were all there was for her, and she just couldn’t live with herself anymore.

So now we come to the overall impact this Light and Dark dynamic had on Xena. The events in the episode, ‘Chakram’, told Gabrielle that Xena couldn’t be entirely on one side of the spectrum or the other. She needed both her Light and Dark to be the best warrior she could be and to do the most good she could. But she didn’t need Ares because Gabrielle succeeded in doing what Ares never could. That was bringing her back into the Dark enough to balance her as a person. Enough to bring her sense-of-self back. You see, despite wanting Xena to be in complete opposition to that, Gabrielle was able to understand how much both sides were needed, and the importance of that duality. This means we’ve uncovered something amazing to do with Gabrielle’s individual influence over Xena. That Gabrielle wasn’t just her Light. She was also her way of staying balanced. She was the reason the real Xena, as we know her to be, existed, as the Light cannot exist without the Dark, as previously stated in Section 3 of this thesis. Gabrielle was her balance. Her reason for existing, at least, until the moment came when she had to sacrifice her life and her happiness to follow the ‘Way Of The Warrior’ and be ultimately redeemed.

Section 6: No going back and no way forward.

How does being in an alternative reality affect the Battling Bard’s personality and mindset once she encounters Xena within it, why does she behave so differently and aggressively in this reality, and what made her make such a drastic decision to destroy ‘The Universe’ when we, as the audience, know how much she values the peace and well-being of human life?

Gabrielle, to begin with, is idealistic, empathetic, persuasive, philosophical, spiritual, kind, compassionate, naïve, enthusiastic; the labels that define one being heart-orientated. That changes as the show progresses. Gabrielle becomes quite a complex character that has a lot of layers to her as she’s making her transition through the show. A lot of her personality becomes very nuanced. You’ll have to look quite deeply into her character to pick up her personality later in the show, much like you do with Xena in the earlier episodes. Xena, to begin with, does not put her heart on her sleeve. She is so stoic that one can’t have a solid grasp on her true personality because her heart is guarded, and she protects it by being strong-minded. By not talking or expressing herself in any audible way. She has issues with showing intimacy and emotion. That starts happening to Gabrielle too with all that happens to her in Season 3 and 4. She develops that stoic-ness, only she’s a lot more able to handle it because she has a lot more emotional strength and is much more expressive than Xena is. She’s able to express how she feels when she’s upset easier than Xena can. She’s able to be that emotional person without lashing out and going way over-the-top with it or holding it all in so that eventually it all explodes anyway.

The one time when this doesn’t happen, and she does indeed go over-the-top and lash out emotionally, is in the Season 6 episode ‘When Fates Collide’. Not only does she, in her blind rage and desperation, disregard all consequences for humanity and reality as she knew it, and destroys the alternative Universe, but she also makes it very apparent that she blames ‘The Fates’ for the mess of the loom, and the situation her and Xena were in, rather than Caesar. That is very uncharacteristic of her. That doesn’t sound like the Gabrielle we know, that would always take in all information first before making such judgement, and that would always see the good in all before accusing them of any kind of wrongdoing. What happened? Where’s our compassionate gal gone? Why is this how she acts in this episode? You could make the argument that she was living such a peaceful life in this alternative Universe that any kind of brush with danger and trauma would fire her up immediately, making her extremely angry and reckless, and make her do something she would possibly end up regretting. Selfishly and heartlessly putting all of humankind aside just to vent her emotions. That is a valid argument… However, I think it has more to do with the fact that Gabrielle, regardless of which Universe she’s in, is one of these people that just can’t be at peace with doing the same thing day in and day out, and not having any sort of surprise or shock or thrill. Not having a change in the schedule. After all, isn’t that why she left her home to travel with Xena in the primary Universe? It’s because she was sick of the conservative, boring lifestyle and wanted an adventurous, exciting lifestyle where no two days were ever the same.

So, you see, it’s not uncalled for that Gabrielle would react like this although it seems that way. There is sufficient reasoning behind it. But what strikes me most is how quickly she breaks the mould of the peaceful playwright, as she’s known to be in this Universe, as soon as she comes into contact with Xena, who is known as the Empress Of Rome. Despite knowing her for a few candle marks at best, she is already so invested in her that she becomes this emotional and aggressive when Julius Caesar sentences Xena to death and wants to do something about the unfortunate condition she’s in. We know it’s because they’re soulmates, but these characters don’t know that. They aren’t aware of everything to do with the former reality, so why is Gabrielle acting this way despite living a tranquil life? Something within her changed, and it was a quick change because in the former reality this was always her fate. That she’d never remain the Gabrielle that was innocent and sweet and calm when her karma comes to intertwine with Xena’s so strongly. There was a fire in her. A rebellious attitude that was just waiting to be unleashed. This was meant to be, and somehow, she knew that. She knew that’s the way it was supposed to be. So she didn’t care. She chose to destroy ‘The Universe’ because living an entire lifetime without Xena just wasn’t acceptable. Xena and Gabrielle were so much a part of each other, that it didn’t matter how long or little they knew each other for in any lifetime. They were connected in every single one of them and would be for eternity. This much, made sense to Gabrielle, that nothing else was beyond or above it. She wanted to get back to the life where she never felt empty or lost or bored. She wanted Xena and she didn’t care what she had to do or had to give up to get her.

It is my personal belief that Gabrielle behaved this way because it was inevitable that she would become just like Xena, as her original wish was to be just that. Xena would permeate into her personality so much that it would ultimately and completely change her emotionally. Even using such terms and phrases the likes Xena would use to get her way, such as “so be it!” For better or worse she was the other half of Xena’s soul and although their personalities were so contradictory, they complemented each other so perfectly that they eventually passed into each other, so that even their personalities were the same. It really didn’t matter what timeline, Universe, dimension, reincarnation or afterlife they were in… they still weren’t balanced or whole without each other because they were one. They were one whole soul. 

Section 7: “You’re where I belong, I belong with you.”

How does travelling with Xena all those years make Gabrielle feel about her, and why does she choose to be with Xena’s family over her own family, or even her Amazon tribe, when she finally would be laid to rest?

In the episode from Season 6, titled ‘The Abyss’, Gabrielle gets wounded and is on the verge of dying from pneumonia. She confesses to Xena that her dying wish was to be buried with Xena’s family; Cyrene and Lyceus. This confession threw Xena off-guard, as that is probably the most tragically romantic thing you could ever say to someone. Furthermore, she explains why she’d rather be buried with Xena’s family than her own. She’s basically saying, “I’m dying, but I still want to be with you. You are more important to me than anyone else in my life”, and that’s pretty freaking intense. I do not blame Xena for the tears rolling down her cheek. It’s a beautiful statement, and yet so upsetting at the same time. She has taken Gabrielle away from her family, even if she didn’t mean to, and she’s chastising herself mentally for it, as we see a little later in the scene where she says she’s lead her on a path she was never meant to walk. To Gabrielle, she couldn’t be more wrong. Gabrielle has always considered Xena her “home”. She’s stated several times that with and to Xena is where she belongs. Xena is her path. So it’s not surprising that she would have a wish like this. It’s a testament to show how much Gabrielle is invested in Xena’s life. From the very start when she met her and chose to travel with her on the road, to the very end, when she stated that Xena was her whole life and that she refused to lose her.

It’s sad, but beautiful and romantic at the same time. Tragic romance. It’s kind of like ‘Romeo and Juliet’, only she never took her own life at the reality of Xena being dead and staying that way. At least, I hope she didn’t, because that would be truly tragic. The overall point is that no matter what, Gabrielle would always choose Xena. It’s paramount to her to always be with Xena. Even in death. You don’t make a statement like the one she did in this episode unless you are 100%, unequivocally, unconditionally in love with the person.

This is a character study video showcasing how much Xena and Gabrielle need each other in their lives to stay on the right path for themselves. Xena seeking her redemption and being a fighter for ‘The Greater Good’. Gabrielle transitioning from a simple village girl into a warrior. This video looks into what it is they most desire in their hearts. To belong. They belong to and with each other. This is a collaboration between me and @warriorbard-always.

Conclusion: “In a flurry of snow, two breaths of wind unite and become as one, and then disappear into each other.”

How will Gabrielle deal with the shocking, unannounced death of her beloved, and will she respect her wish and love her enough to let her go so she can receive her ultimate redemption and an eternal rest?

After being told that Xena has to stay dead, Gabrielle goes through the motions of understanding as to why. She takes the information in and ponders it, but you can see the defiance on her face. The morally justified Bard makes a bold statement, exclaiming that she doesn’t care about the 40,000 souls that would be eternally damned if Xena were brought back to life. She doesn’t agree. She doesn’t think it’s right. She wrestles with her own code of conduct. The same code she asked Xena to stick to all those years ago in that longhouse in Tripolis when she was wounded by a poisoned arrow and had only hours to live. Back then it felt right to say ‘The Greater Good’ was more important than her own life. But of course, it’s not her own life she is losing now, is it? Gabrielle, once again, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She must decide whether to accept the consequences of her beloved passing on into eternity or denying her an eternal rest, and her ultimate redemption. It may be the hardest choice she has ever made. The poetic verse in the title of the final section of this thesis perfectly describes exactly what happened to Xena and Gabrielle throughout the course of the entire show, which leads me to the conclusion of it. When Xena disappeared at the end of the final episode of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, ‘A Friend In Need Part II’, what happened was she transferred over the last of her spiritual essence into Gabrielle. Gabrielle had a lot of her spirit already within her, which is what allowed her to touch Xena physically when material objects like her chakram just went right through her. That didn’t happen with Gabrielle because they shared a spiritual connection that was so intense, it proved to us that they are one soul in two bodies. One body of which no longer existed, but the spirit still lived on in Gabrielle, so that instead, they became one soul in one body. This meant that Gabrielle was now just as much of a capable warrior as Xena was and would be just fine on her own in carrying on the legacy of the Warrior Princess because she never really was on her own at all. Ever. Xena was always with her. She was just inside her, and therefore, had the ability to appear beside her in ethereal form, from the other side, even though she no longer had a physical body. This is just how Gabrielle remembered her in her heart. With such a graphic imagination as hers and hundreds of self-written stories describing her, she could create the exact form of the woman she fell in love with standing right beside her whenever she wanted and could still physically touch her and hold her.

At the apex of it all, Xena and Gabrielle weren’t just perfectly balanced, they were also physically complete. This is the true nature of ‘Yin-yang’. My most personal headcanon for the show is the belief that when it did come time for Gabrielle to die, she chose to be cremated like Xena, so she could combine her ashes with Xena’s. Knowing because they’re soulmates, they’re connected as one and will be together for eternity, in many lifetimes and beyond.

Summary: You can love someone so deeply and so intensely that you become one with them, and not only that, but you can also pass into them, so that you become them, and they become you. It’s through this that you will come to the realization that you are one in the same. There was never any separation between you, and there never will be because there was never a beginning, nor will there be an end. You and them and your love can only be an end in itself, as you were always one soul in two bodies all along. This is how beautiful and powerful true love between soulmates is.

“The highest state of human love is the unity of one soul in two bodies.” - Sri Aurobindo.

My character study video for Xena, detailing the challenges she went through both when she was evil and good, showing that she needed both to become the hero she does, and commit to ‘The Greater Good’.

Dear Xena,

You have been through so many challenges that took a toll on your heart and soul in your search for redemption. There were times when you let yourself slip back into your old ways out of anger and hatred, but with the help of your Light, you found the willpower to get yourself back on track again. You were finally able to reconcile with your Dark side, knowing that without it, you would not be the force you need to be for ‘The Greater Good’. You came to understand how important it was for you to stay balanced so that you would always have the skill, strength and determination to fight evil, and be the Warrior Princess we all know and love.

My character study video for Gabrielle that took 2 days to make. It is in dedication to my favourite character of all time, with the greatest written character development and evolution that I have ever seen in my entire life. It’s about time she was honoured as the true warrior and hero she is.

Dear Gabrielle,

In your immense journey in evolving into a warrior, you learned that the fighting, violence and pain was inevitable and unavoidable. Despite all you had to go through and all you’ve overcome, you’ve still managed to remain on the side of ‘The Greater Good’, when so many things and unfair experiences that happened to you were completely the total opposite from anywhere even close to great or good. It got really Dark for you at times, yet you never lost your Light. You only ever realized that it was worth fighting for it. I respect and admire you for the huge amount of emotional strength you had to have in order to be able to stay sane. My incredible Battling Bard… I really hope I did you justice!

[anotheronechicagobog]

I’ve gotten some negative DMs so I’ve decided to make a little bit of a statement.

I am of Slavic descent. I do not know which country, or even region, of Eastern Europe I am from, only that my dad’s side of the family is Eastern European. I am caucasian, but I don’t always look it. I have been asked if I’m Asian or First Nations many, many times, I usually just respond with ‘why do you need to know?’ ‘what made you think it was appropriate to ask me that?’ or ‘how is information like that any of your business?’ There is absolutely nothing wrong with being Asian or First Nations, I just don’t know why pasty white people feel they are entitled to anyone’s ethnicity or race.

I’m getting off topic; I am of Slavic descent. Barring Brian ‘Otis’ Zvonecek, I would like for you to think of a character that was Slavic and had absolutely no ties to the Russian mob, KGB, or Russian brides (which is a human trafficking scheme btw). I bet you can’t. Don’t worry though, I can’t either! And that’s my point. I started watching the One Chicago Series because they had a character who had that same heritage as me, who looked a lot like me (olive skin, still a white person but dark enough that pasty people think you don’t share the same racial identifier as them) and he was not, in any way, connected to any of the Russian stereotypes I’d had shoved down my throat growing up! It was amazing! (I started watching because of a S6 repeat while S7 was running, and he died beginning of S8 so I only got one season in real-time, unfortunately) But I don’t think a lot of people I know grasp just how important this was for me.

I grew up being asked if my family and I were spies. I was called ‘comrade’ in a shitty Russian accent more times than I could count (seriously, if I got 5 cents every time it happened I’d be able to pay for undergrad, law school, and a house by now), I was emotionally, mentally, and physically tormented, I was told I was evil for my DNA, and I spent a lot of time fearing for the safety of me and my family. There were numerous times I genuinely thought a group of classmates were going to kill me. I was called nothing, the word ‘nothing’ so that I would know that I wasn’t even good enough to be the filth on the bottoms of their shoes.

They told me I was evil, so I grew up thinking there was a ticking time bomb in my mind, that one day a switch would flip, and I’d suddenly be speaking fluent Russian (a language I was forbidden to learn growing up, barring the word ‘matryoshka’ which is a Russian nesting doll, because of the negative and nightmarish hold the memory of the Soviet Union had on my family), doing backflips in heels, and killing everyone with acrobatic hand-to-hand combat. I am not joking. Being half Slavic has been a huge factor in my depression, anxiety, and suicidal state. I was so afraid of being evil that I did everything in my power to be good.

But none of it mattered, because like they said, I was born Slavic. I was born evil. Rancid. Rotten inside and out.

So when I found a character who wasn’t even remotely involved in the usual BS Hollywood puts Slavic people through (I’m looking at you CSI: Miami, yes I’m still salty about that), I was ecstatic. I’d only just started rehabilitating myself from the trauma I’d endured in my childhood, and this helped a lot if I’m honest. I actually cried tears of joy because of it, and stared blankly at the screen when he died.

So when I decided to write fanfiction, I wanted to put a piece of me, and consequently Chicago Fire, in my work by making some characters Slavic. And it brought me so much joy and peace to be able to do that. And to read what I wrote, because there was Slavicness and goodness in it. I know that there are so many underrepresented or misrepresented people in media, trust me, I do. But this was about me for once, and finally feeling like it’s okay for me to even exist. To not feel like an abomination. Just for a little while.

And while I desperately want for more accurate and less derogatory Slavic people in media, it is not my priority. My priority is for visible minorities to get better representation first. Because I at the very least have some people who look like me, and talk like me, and walk like me, and that’s more than most people can say. 

So I do try to be as inclusive as possible. I never put physical descriptions in (I don’t have porcelain skin, flowing blonde hair, or piercing blue eyes either \(0_0)/), and I try to even out how many of the readers in my fics are related to white characters, with readers related to characters who are people of colour. And that’s if I decide to make the reader related to anyone or from a specific culture, because I know that I probably won’t get to everyone, and sometimes what makes a reader fic so great is a blank slate. I research other cultures, their words and foods, so that I can bring other neglected people into the spotlight. I promise all of you, I am trying my best.

I don’t get paid for doing what I do, and it takes a lot of me to write and post. If I genuinely do something wrong, message me or comment, I’ll fix it. But I’m trying to make myself feel okay about existing, and I want to help others feel okay about themselves and who they are too. So please, no hate. There’s more than enough of that in the world already.

[snowbellewells]

“Uncommon Fairy Tales”

By: @snowbellewells  (TutorGirlml on ff.net)

Okay,so a while back I posted “pillowfort with CS baby” as one of my WIPs for a tag game response, and I started work on it with the hopes of posting it as a fluffy Valentine’s one shot.  Unfortunately, I did not get it accomplished in time for the holiday. However, I liked it too much to scrap it, or wait for another year to post.  Instead, with a bit of editing, I offer it to you now as a bit of general fun Friday fluff in a canon divergent near-future post-s6.  I mainly say divergent because Henry is off at college rather than traveling the realms, and I have included my own headcanon CS children: Morgan Ruth Jones and Westley Graham Jones.  

I hope you enjoy -- and I’d love to hear your thoughts! :)

“Uncommon Fairy Tales”

Giggles, snorts and snickers, along with the quickly following sounds of scuffling child limbs and whisper-hissed shushing greet Emma Swan as she returns to her family’s home by the harbor on the outskirts of Storybrooke, tired from her shift at the sheriff’s station and ready to collapse on the couch and put her feet up. However, despite her weariness and aching bones, a smile curls across her lips as she hangs her coat on the hall tree and heads toward the living room. She has already toed off her bots quietly as well, kicking them haphazardly to land on the mat somewhere near her husband’s, and is tiptoeing in her socks toward the sounds that continue to carry on the quiet evening air, hoping to catch her little pirates at whatever they are up to before they realize her presence.

Once Emma reaches the entryway, she peers around the wall, only to draw in a quick, surprised breath just as her eyes widen at the construction before her. Sometime between her leaving for work at 10 a.m. and now, in the suppertime twilight, her family’s living room has become the site of some sort of fairy glen, complete with twinkle lights, gauzy curtains, and a pink and purple blanket stronghold taking pride of place in the very center of the floor. Clearly, her clever (though endlessly spoiling) husband has been at work to help their two younger children create this; in fact, Emma thinks she can hear his deep sonorous chuckle rumble from within the blankets festooned over the backs of two kitchen chairs to the recliner, coffee table, and couch at their other corners right along with Westley’s little yips of excitement and Morgan’s protests of “Quiet! Mama will be home any minute!”

Emma has to press her fist to her mouth not to laugh aloud at them already, their chance at surprise long past even if they don’t know it yet. She draws back a bit further, not wanting to be seen and spoil whatever fun they have concocted. Even as she does so, she hears Killian’s gentle admonishment, warming her heart once again with his infinite patience for his little ones and the depthless well of love in his heart that had clearly lain waiting for centuries, merely needing to be tapped and set free. “Easy there, my Lass.  He’s little yet, and anxious to unveil your surprise. Try to have patience.  You know after all, that Mama will love it, surprise or not, aye?”

There is a weighted moment and a bit of shuffling and dissatisfied grumbling, but Emma’s heart nearly melts its last little bit when their six-year-old, Morgan Ruth Jones, indomitable, one-of-a-kind, and vibrant to a fault, bright-eyed and opinionated in all things, answers at last, “Aye, Papa, I know.” It went without stating outright, just from her weary tone of voice that she would still rather manage their unveiling as planned.  Even with their reward on the horizon, Emma can only imagine that their wild pirate queen, as unruly as the dark curls that cascade down her back and as mischievous as her twinkling green eyes suggest, is finding the extended period of required stealth and patience quite a stretch as well. She can almost see Killian smoothing Morgan’s hair off her forehead in a calming gesture, even as she hears his deep murmur of “Just a bit longer, she should be here any moment now…”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” pipes up Westley enthusiastically, their three-year-old as sandy blonde, strapping, and fearless as his grandpa Charming, and no doubt pressed so close to his sister’s side in his excitement that he is quite probably sitting right on her lap, looking up at her with blatant admiration and practically wriggling with glee. Their baby is the only one of her three child to inherit her lighter complexion, hair color, and pale freckles, and Emma can only imagine how flushed his cheeks must be as hyper as he sounds at present.

Emma is startled in the next instant when Killian’s own dark head of tousled hair peeks up out of their blanket construction to capture her unerringly in his gaze and wink at her saucily.  She should have known he would be aware of her presence; how had she thought she’d snuck up on a pirate? Crystalline blue eyes still glittering with affection and mischief, Killian nods to her once, as if urging her on, and then ducks back down into their hiding place, clearly hoping to keep up the illusion of going undetected for their children.

Smirking to herself and shaking her head at their antics, not to mention how she will do almost anything to accommodate them, Emma proceeds to sneak back into the hall and make an entrance they can’t miss hearing. She opens the front door again to close it just a bit louder than necessary, going through the motions she would take if she really did need to take off and hang up her coat and kick off her boots in the entryway. Finally, biting back the grin that threatens to stretch all the way across her face, she moves toward the living room where she knows her little family is hiding, calling out innocently, “Guys, I’m home! Hello? Where is everybody?”

Just as she reaches the archway from the foyer - for the second time, though unbeknownst to her two youngest - there is a squeal of glee and rustling that nearly upsets the whole blanket fortress for a moment, and then the blanket draped over the top flings back, and her husband with his two little pirates in training all leap out with a call of “Surprise!”

Emma allows herself to jump in exaggerated shock, emitting an audible gasp and letting her mouth drop open and eyes widen to what she hopes is a convincing extent. Both Morgan and Westley chortle with mirth and hop up and down, clearly proud of themselves and their success in startling their mother.  Emma’s chest swells at their happiness, celebrating within herself one more small moment in which she knows with certainty that she and Killian’s babies are getting the life both she and her husband had always wished for - the simple pleasures, the fun and unconditional love both had ached to experience, and deserved to have.  If she accomplishes nothing else for the rest of her days - and she knows Killian agrees with her in this - Emma is so proud and thankful that Morgan and Westley don’t have to grow up the way she and Killian did.

The smile that has been trying to break free wins and spreads across her face unabashedly, practically beaming even as she blinks back sentimental tears at the three people she loves most (besides Henry, now off at college but still very much home in her heart) in the entire world. “Wow,” she finally sputters, overcome more by contented fulfillment and love than genuine astonishment, though the distinction thankfully doesn’t seem to be apparent to a three and six-year-old. “What’s all this for?”

“For you, Mama!” Westley bursts out in excitement, hopping from one foot to the other before holding out his arms to be picked up by his mother. “To ‘prise you!”

“Yup,” Morgan adds succinctly, nodding in solemn agreement, “Papa says that letting people know you love them, especially for no particular holiday and when they least expect it, is a gift that can’t be replaced by any treasure.” Their feisty buccaneer recites these words sagely, pleased with her repetition and completely assured in her belief that all her beloved papa says is true.

Emma smirks, reaching out to ruffle Morgan’s dark ringlets where they stream over her shoulders while cuddling Wes closer to her chest. Her eyes lift to meet Killian’s with a challenging arched brow as she asks, “Is that so?”

“Certainly, Milady,” Killian murmurs, his voice husky and low with emotion as he bows slightly over her hand, taking it in his own and kissing the back of it, which makes Morgan squeal and Westley groan, burying his face in Emma’s shoulder. “Wouldn’t you agree?” His own eyebrow quirks upward deliberately as he gazes back at her with a smouldering stare that sends her temperature skyrocketing several degrees higher in seconds. She watches, speechless, as her husband runs the tip of his tongue over his lower lip salaciously, a low hum in the back of his throat caressing her ears as rich velvet would her skin, and Emma knows her cheeks must be flushed red as ripe tomatoes, not to mention her neck and chest. It’s an embarrassingly obvious tell that her husband never misses.

Emma isn’t sure what might be about to happen, until there is an insistent tugging on her hand that breaks the laden moment. “Hey, hey, stop kissing!” Morgan orders, not even slightly inhibited in letting her parents know they have gotten off track. She was born to be a captain Killian has stated more than once to Emma in an awed tone, shaking his head and his blue eyes far away, holding that look in them he only gets when he is remembering his older brother, seeing in his mind’s eye the sibling who was his captain, his role model, his father figure and his hero, all rolled into one person.

At any rate, there is no denying their determined daughter, especially not when Westley removes his face from her shoulder, tilting it up to look into her eyes as he adds, “Yeah Mama! You haven’t even seen your ‘prise yet!”

Emma smiles lovingly at her little boy, offering Killian a look over his blonde head that she hopes conveys just how much she wants them to continue later from where they have been interrupted. His full lips tilt upwards in a knowing, returned grin, and her heart soars. He always understands her.

“Alright, alright already, you two scurvy knaves!” Killian calls out in his fiercest Captain’s voice. “We’ve caught ourselves a Princess, mates! Let’s show her to her new quarters, shall we?”

Emma laughs wholeheartedly at their continued game of make believe, even as Westley and Morgan both yell in delighted agreement and each take one of her hands to pull her toward their fortress. Once she has knelt down closer to their height and then followed their prompting to crawl in under the festooned blankets after them, she genuinely does draw in a breath of pleasant surprise. The three of them have been busy while she was away, as beneath the blanket roof several plump pillows gathered from all over their house have been scattered as comfortable seats, there is a lamp in one corner and an open book where Killian has clearly been reading to them, and there are three lidded travel cups with bendy straws and a platter of fresh grapes and apple slices along with several shortbread cookies obviously waiting for her to join them.

It is hard telling how Killian has kept their sticky-fingered bandits out of the goodies thus far, but Emma is not at all surprised that they have been listening to him reading. In truth, Killian’s read alouds are one of both their children’s favorite things, and for good reason. Between his beguiling accent, dramatic reading style, and his ability to choose all the best stories, Emma herself can hardly look away once he begins to spin a yarn.

Without realizing she has done so, Emma has stopped in the makeshift entry on her hands and knees, taking it all in. Morgan and Westley have scampered in before her and are each waiting impatiently on their chosen pillow seats, but it isn’t until she feels a lightly playful swat on her jean clad rump that she remembers Killian is still behind her, waiting to follow her in.

With a gasp, feeling her flesh heat, Emma scuttles forward, biting her lower lip and already contemplating how she’ll make her husband pay for that deliciously later.  She hears his warm chuckle as he crawls into their haven behind her, even as she senses his presence nearby, and she can tell, simply from his tone that his blood has gone hot with the same plans for later, despite neither of them speaking a word. “Move along there, Love, or we’ll never get on to your special tea,” he jibes her.

Once Killian has settled himself by the light and picked up the book to continue from where he and the kids had left off, he says jovially, “What say you two lubbers?  Can you tell Mama where we left off?”

“Aye! Aye!” Morgan and Westley chorus exuberantly, bouncing on their seats.

“The Lost Boys just shot down a Wendy-bird!” Westley chirps, puffing out his chest with pride at knowing the answer and having followed the story, “but it was really Wendy the girl!”

“Right,” Morgan affirms, giving her brother a patient smile, but also adding with a hopeful look at her papa, as if wanting him to see her three years’ older wisdom, “but it was really Tinkerbell’s fault.  She didn’t like Peter paying all that attention to Wendy.  She told the boys there was a Wendy-bird and Peter wanted them to get it.  But that wasn’t true. She was jealous and trying to get rid of Wendy, wasn’t she?”

Killian nods quietly, his eyes alight at his little boy’s obvious enjoyment of the story and at his daughter’s clear understanding, not just of plot, but also of human emotion and empathy. “That’s right, my loves,” he murmurs, appeasing both young listeners as they settle down to hear more of Barrie’s classic adventure.

It is only because she knows her pirate so well and grasps the emotion overwhelming him all too easily herself that Emma hears it choking her pirate’s words along with his amusement. Westley crawls over to sit in her lap as Killian picks up the tale once more; his melodious voice casting magic every bit as powerful as Tink’s pixie dust. Blinking away stray tears at the rightness of it all as she listens, her son’s hair tickling her chin, Emma marvels again at the uncommon fairy tale ending she has stumbled into, not sure how she managed to get here, but grateful all the same.

Tagging: @searchingwardrobes @laschatzi @kmomof4 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @jennjenn615 @therooksshiningknight @spartanguard @aloha-4-ever @thislassishooked @winterbaby89 @linda8084 @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @branlovestowrite @ilovemesomekillianjones @effulgentcolors @hollyethecurious @tomeandflickcorner

[lost-n-stereo]

A/N: Heyyy look who finally finished a GG fic, and it’s not even one I had planned. This is set post S6 finale. A little NJBC angst. Enjoy!

the bottles always there (when I have nowhere else to turn)

He’s in Sydney when he hears news of Serena’s engagement.

It doesn’t come as a surprise but it still stings in a way that it shouldn’t. It’s been years since they dated and almost six months since he’s even seen her.

Chuck is the one that breaks the news, tells Nate that him and Blair were asked to host the event but he wanted to make sure Nate wouldn’t have a problem with it. He’s never been able to hide his feelings from his best friend and while it’s going to hurt like hell to watch the woman he’s been in love with for most of his life marry someone else, he’s not going to stand in her way of happiness. He leaves his phone in the room, tells himself he’s just not responding because of the time difference, and makes his way to the elevator.

He plants himself down on a barstool in the hotel bar, orders a beer and tells the bartender to keep them coming. 

“Tough night?” She asks in a light Australian accent, a pretty brunette that looks nothing like Serena and for that he’s eternally grateful.

“The love of my life is getting married,” he says and raises the bottle, tips it in her direction before taking a long pull. She smiles sadly at him, pulls a shot glass from under the counter and fills it up with vodka.

“I think you need this. On the house, o’course.”

He thanks her, downing the shot without a chaser. It’s not like him to drink away his problems, he’s seen enough of that in his lifetime to curb the cravings but right now this bottle in this bar in this country is the only thing keeping him sane.

“Does she know?”

Nate looks up from where he’s peeling the label off his third bottle. “Who?”  It’s a dumb question but he asks it anyway.

“The woman you love. Does she know how you feel?”

He shrugs, finishes off the bottle with one last swing and sets it down harder than he needs to on the bar. “Doesn’t matter. She made her choice a long time ago.”

He doesn’t know how he makes it back to his room in one piece.

When he wakes up his shoes are still on, his suit pants rumpled and his phone is lying next to him on the bed. He scrambles for it, hoping to God he didn’t drunk dial or text Serena in his intoxicated state.

There’s only one outgoing message but it’s to Chuck, he realizes with relief. Until he reads it and sees that it’s past the point of no return.

It’s okay with me. Send her my love.

***

It’s an easy routine for him to fall into, one of the doting husband and father.

Henry is a great kid, already so smart and a perfect mix of both of his parents. When Chuck looks into the eyes of his son he sees Blair’s spirit and tenacity, but also her kindness and compassion. And, if judging by the outfit his son is currently wearing, he got his sense of fashion from his father. It’s barely eight am and yet his son is already dressed in black slacks, a white cashmere sweater and a pair of Italian loafers.

“Daddy!” Henry calls happily when he runs in and flings himself at Chuck, who’s reading the Post at their kitchen table. They try to spend as much time at home as they can, especially in the mornings and at bedtime. It’s not easy when they are both running their own companies but it’s worth it, to see his family every morning when he wakes up and every night before he falls asleep.

“Good morning, Henry. Did you sleep well?”

Henry widens his eyes and his arms at the same time. “Like a log, Dad. You know like those really big ones down at the duck pond!”

Chuck laughs, drops a kiss to his son’s head and looks up when his wife comes into the room. The smile drops from his face when he sees her brown eyes glistening with tears.

“Dorota,” he calls and the woman bustles in. “Can you please keep an eye on Henry for a moment?”

“Of course, Mister Chuck.”

Blair doesn’t say anything, just lets Chuck take her hand and lead her into the living room, which is enough on its own to completely freak him out.

“Blair, what’s wrong?” He asks when they are alone and she sighs, sits down on the couch and pats the space next to him. “You’re kind of scaring me here. Please tell me what’s going on.” He finally sits and she pulls his hand onto her lap.

“I’m not sure how to tell you this,” she says softly. “I just got off the phone with Dr. Brown. He said that the results of my fertility tests aren’t good. The chances of us having another baby without help are slim to none.”

It’s been something they have talked about since Henry was a year old, when to give him a brother or a sister. At first they took the whatever happens, happens approach. When Henry was three they decided to actually try but it’s been almost three years and still no luck.

“Okay,” he says, thinking of the right way to navigate the conversation. “We have all of the resources we need, Blair. If we need help, we’ll find a way. Hell, we can adopt. This isn’t the end of anything.”

Her pretty brown eyes are sparkling with tears when she looks up at him. “Then why does it feel like it is?”

Chuck reaches for her hand but she shakes her head, tells him that she just needs to be alone for a little while, and leaves him by himself in the living room.

He blows off his lunch with Lily, makes up an excuse that he doesn’t think makes sense and promises her that he’ll make it up to her. Instead he goes home, pours two fingers of scotch and sits behind the desk in his office. When his glass is empty he fills it up again, and then again, and finally once more.

There’s no way he’s going to make it to any of his meetings for the rest of the day so he texts his assistant, asks him to move everything until tomorrow, and tosses his phone on his desk.

It’s been a long time since he’s dulled the pain of something like this but right now it feels fitting. He’s a good father and a good husband, he knows this. But right now he feels like the old Chuck. Powerful but powerless. Unable to give the woman he loves everything her heart desires.

So he sits in the dark like he would have before, lets the sun go down and drowns his pain the only way he remembers how.

***

Her marriage ends only two short years after it begins.

If she’s being honest with herself, she should have seen it coming. Dan was a social climber in disguise, always looking for a way in and a step up. The start of the marriage was like a dream, parties and events every weekend. A handsome man on her arm that she was proud to call her husband.

But then one day it changed. He cared more about getting ahead than he did about their relationship. It made her question everything. Was he only with her because of who she was and her status on the Upper East Side? Did he love her or the idea of her?

Why did she marry someone that spent years tearing her down for the world to see?

Blair is the first person she tells and she can see the look of relief on her best friend’s face, even though she’s trying to be supportive.

“I’m so sorry, S.” Blair rests her hand on her growing baby bump. Serena feels like a divorce is small potatoes compared to the year Blair and Chuck have had but then thinks, no, that’s not fair. Her problems are just as valid, if not more, because they are hers.

“I am too,” Serena says, curling her legs up underneath her. “I really wanted the first time I got married to be the only time.”

“Hey, don’t knock second marriages,” Blair jokes. “Sometimes it’s for the best.”

Later that night, when she’s alone in her suite at the Empire, she pours a glass of wine and sits down next to a window looking out over the city.

She’s mourning but she’s not sure exactly which Dan she misses the most. Her partner, who was supposed to be her equal in everything. Her husband, who looked good in the photographs lining their fireplace mantle. Her friend, the one that told her time and time again that her happiness meant everything to him.

The bottle of wine doesn’t last longer than an hour and then she’s on the phone with room service. They tell her that Mr. Bass has given her carte blanche to order whatever she wants and she laughs quietly to herself, orders a three hundred dollar bottle of champagne, and leaves a tip she knows he can afford.

If she has to drink away her problems she may as well do it in style.

***

Motherhood is the most rewarding job she’s ever had.

Henry was a dream child, now a child of twelve with the wisdom of someone much older. Her pregnancy happened quickly and the following years with him were easy and carefree, up until he decided to grow up and become a preteen.

It never occurred to her that things might not go as smoothly the second time around.

After months of expensive invitro, they finally conceived. When the doctor told them they were having a little girl Blair swore her heart was going to burst from her chest. Audrey, named after her idol of course, was born happy and healthy right on time.

Now she’s four and runs their entire household. The girl has Chuck wrapped around her dainty little pinky, just like Blair always knew a daughter would. She has a penchant for pink princess dresses, which Blair indulges probably more than she should.

“Mom!”

Henry calls to her from his bedroom and she rolls her eyes, because he’s a great kid but sometimes he’s a little too spoiled for his own good.

“Henry,” she sighs as she pushes open his bedroom door. “How many times do I have to tell you not to scream at me from the other room? Sending a text would be less rude.”

Her son rolls his eyes and she cocks an eyebrow. “Sorry, mom. I just need you to sign this permission form.”

“Permission form for what?”

She watches in amusement as he visibly stops himself from giving her another eye roll. “The Paris trip, remember? My class is going for two weeks over summer break.”

He hands her the paper and she skims it, remembering only vaguely him asking about this. “Does your father know about this?”

“Duh,” he says and she scolds him. “Sorry, yes. Dad knows and he said he doesn’t care if you say it’s okay.”

Blair sighs and signs it, hands it over to him so he can put it in his book bag for the next day. She’s not the biggest fan of her son traveling overseas without them but it’s not as if four of his grandparents aren’t already there.

Three weeks later they are sending their son off to Europe, not for the first time but for the first time without them. Blair sniffles, holds her hands to her heart and Chuck laughs and presses a kiss to her temple.

“Blair, he’s going to be fine.”

“I know that,” she snaps. “We’ve never spent this much time away from him. Aren’t you the smallest bit sad about it?”

His hand tightens slightly on her shoulder. “Of course. He’s my son, I don’t want him an ocean away. But he’s growing up and we have to let him do it.”

Blair sighs, buries her face in her husband’s suit jacket. “I hate it when you make sense.”

A few hours later they are sitting at the Empire bar when Nate and Serena walk in holding hands. Blair smiles sadly at them, having called them to come commiserate the first night of Henry’s trip.

“You two look miserable,” Nate says with a chuckle, bending down to kiss Blair’s cheek. “You know he’s only going to be gone for two weeks, right?”

“Shut up,” Blair says, motioning for the bartender to bring her another mint julep. “I’m going to drown my sorrows and pretend like my son isn’t having the time of his life in my favorite city without his mother.”

“Aww,” Serena says, wrapping her arm around Blair’s shoulders. “You’re such a good mommy, B. I miss him already too.”

Chuck claps his hands once to get everyone’s attention. “Hey! Can we stop sitting around like a bunch of sad assholes and just drink? I feel this may be the only way to get my wife out of her slump and I, for one, would like to get laid tonight.”

Everyone laughs when Blair hits him in the arm but she’s thankful for him trying to lighten the mood.

They sit and drink for hours, Blair stopping to sniffle only a few times. Serena wipes the tears from her cheeks and promises her that Henry will be just fine.

The drinks help wash away her worry but it’s not what calms her down and assuages her fears. It’s the moments like these with her best friends, the people she loves most in the world, that makes her raise a glass in a toast.

“To us,” she says. “May we always have each other for the good times and the bad.”

Everyone raises their glasses and meets in the middle.

“To us.”

[dcbicki]

I'm sorry to double dip but could you do danxamy for 14 and Jonsa for 6? Those are my two fave pairings!

I did the Dan/Amy one, but (if you’re still interested) could you send me a different message for the J/S one - it makes things easier to post? Also, I love how this was supposed to be a ‘few short paragraphs’ meme but I went over 3k words with this… Enjoy! :)

14. Things you said after you kissed me | Post-s6, in which Amy is ready to give birth, and Dan’s feelings are semi-ready to express themselves.

-

“If I find even one picture of this on that phone, you’re a dead man.”

“Ah, come on, Amy,” He starts, grins - that prick! - and then he’s scrolling through what she can only guess is a new photo album on his fucking iPhone. “Don’t you wanna have something memorable to show people, to commemorate this joyous occasion?”

She can’t tell if he’s fucking with her, or if this is actually all just a part of his stupid fucking plan.

“I think the probable sociopath I’m squeezing out of my fucking vagina is gonna be enough of a souvenir, thanks.” Her teeth grit and she’s frowning, reaching for something to hold onto other than the railing of the hospital bed.

She’ll commemorate this joyous occasion by chopping his balls off and force-feeding them to him through a tube. That sounds like a pretty solid revenge scheme right now.

“Dan! Can you just put the fucking phone down and get me some ice chips? For fuck’s sake.”

Amy doesn’t notice the two cups already on the side, chips melting. So, he just smiles, picks one up and hands it to her. There, hold that.

She doesn’t though – instead she finds herself grasping at his shirt, knuckles whiter than usual, face a pretty picture of sheer agony, “You’re gonna pay for this, you dick.”

“So you’ve said.” He’s rolling his eyes, and he laughs (because he’s not the one forcing an infant through his genitals) like the asshole she knows him to be.

And then he smirks, because he’s Dan, because he can, “You can only kill me so many times, you know?” The threat count is probably nearing the two hundred mark at this point.

Apparently, within the next couple hours, she’s castrating him with children’s craft scissors, gauging his eyes out with bendy plastic spoons, ripping his hair right from his scalp with just her bare hands, carving out his shrivelled up black heart and proceeding to feed his carcass to a pack of wild dogs. Oh, and she’s gonna feed him his ballsack through a fucking tube. Whether that’s pre or post heart failure, he isn’t sure.

Sure thing, Ames.

“I still get to torture you beforehand.”

“True. But you know I’d just consider that brutal foreplay.”

“Oh, fuck off.” She’d let go of his shirt sometime in the past minute, and her palm is wrapped so tightly around the frame she’s sure, he’s sure it will snap. Fuck, it’ll probably shatter.

Dan looks over at her then, (attempts to) run a hand through over-gelled hair, phone finally shoved inside his back pocket, “D'you want me to leave? I can just wait in the hall. I mean, I’ve got some calls to make and-”

Yeah, Dan, you’re not good with hospitals or empathy, I know.

“You’re staying right here.” Her blue eyes are like frozen blocks of ice, and her lips draw thin, cheeks puffing as her face flushes, neck tenses. “You’re gonna stand there, and only there, and you’re gonna hold my fucking hand like the nice man your mom thinks she raised.”

He nods, complies, shuffles forward so he’s leaning over the side of the railing. Even when she’s sat and he’s slouched, he still towers over her, still doesn’t loom. What kinda bullshit-

“Okay.” Dan sighs, adds, “Your mom’s outside, by the way.” As though that will get her to change her mind.

Oh, yes, Dan. Yes! Go get my mom, and you can wait in the hall with fucking Gary! That’ll make you happy, won’t it? Go!

“Well, then, that’s where she’ll stay.” She huffs out, eyes closed since he agreed to stay. Her head’s thrown back, blonde hair askew, face pink, lips plump. God, he wants to fucking straighten her hair. She isn’t her.

“Really?” He frowns anyway, confusion clear across his face, “Don’t you want some other woman here? I thought that was like a… thing.” His nose crinkles, “What about your sister?”

He doesn’t quite understand why she wants him here, especially with her mother right outside and she’s always seemed closer to her than anybody else in her family. Hell, Gary’s probably better suited for this kind of thing than he is - he’s into all that feminine crap, right? And he’s just-

Well, he wasn’t even all that great when they went for checkups. He just sat there in the chair and smugly grinned like an asshole whenever the doctor pointed at the screen, at the bean-sized, peanut-sized, melon-sized spawn of his that Amy was incubating.

Come to think of it, he’s not even sure he’s ready for the little bugger to be born yet. Then again, him not ready being ready isn’t the worst thing. Amy’s the one having to do all the work.

Push, scream, push, push, scream, cry, push, sweat, cry, sweat, scream.

Hopefully, she doesn’t die. Hopefully, she won’t leave him alone with a newborn. That would be some serious fucking divine retribution right there. Dan, you take this. You deal with it. Have fun, fucker.

“That’s not a fucking thing, and if you ever fucking bring up Sophie again, I swear to God I will have you murdered in your sleep.”

He’s brought back then, all wide-eyed and lost-looking.

With a sigh, he concedes. He is the father. (Wow, that’s fucking weird.) He’s the one who did this to her, with her. He’s the one who fucked her, and subsequently fucked them both over.

“Nah, you wouldn’t.” He glances down at Amy, raises one eyebrow pointedly in that way she really, really, truly fucking detests, “You wouldn’t deprive yourself of that pleasure.”

His gaze shifts to the door then as it swings open, allowing Amy’s (midwife? obstetrician? fuck knows!) doctor to walk through. A nurse follows, and Dan catches a quick glance of Amy’s mom talking to Gary in the waiting room.

Are they deciding which one of them is going to watch over the kid first so that Amy can catch some sleep, and Dan can go home and change out of his day-old shirt? He’s actually surprised that, for once, Gary isn’t at Selina’s side like a fucking half-turtled turd.

Amy’s been here for fucking hours – all bed-ridden and shit in a sweaty dull-coloured hospital gown, and (truth be told) he’s still pretty pissed about the blue balls she’d left with him earlier. (Granted, she went into labour, but still.)

Going home to stroke one out might actually come in handy. Pun fully intended, he grins. Just as long as he doesn’t catch a view of her child-baring vag beforehand-

“How are we feeling?”

He’s flicking open the chart the nurse hands him - Dan’s forgotten his name because it was some European-sounding bullshit and he had more important stuff to do than learn it - and he smiles up at Amy, all red hair and freckles and glasses.

“Just tell me if I’m fucking dilated.” Amy writhes on the bed, focuses her attention on the patterned ceiling, and Dan’s damn sure she’s gonna pull a fucking Exorcist in a minute and start levitating. It doesn’t look comfortable. Maybe Mike hadn’t been lying about his surrogate’s birthing story, after all.

The doctor shoves his glasses up his nose, snaps the chart shut and smiles (like a fucking teenage boy who’s gonna get his first upfront look at a woman’s privates).

He leans forward, does his thing (and Dan watches him out of the corner of his eye because focusing on that is a little more personal than he’s willing to get right now, or ever.)

He’d rather not see some guy - trained professional or not - put his hands anywhere near Amy’s crotch. (Unless it’s in a mirror… and he’s the guy.)

“Looks like I was right on time. You’re just about ten centimetres.”

The blonde sits up in her bed then, neck muscles still tense, shoulders raised and bony, “So the little fucker’s finally ready to come out?”

“Amy.”

“I can… start pushing?” She corrects herself with a sigh, half-ignores Dan’s burning stare. Fuck you.

“Seems so.”

She briefly relaxes then, lets herself fall back for only a moment, but then another contraction hits her again, only it’s worse this time, and Dan’s hand is actually there for her to hold and bruise and fuckin’ crush. Jesus, woman!

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“If we’re waiting for that, the kid’s never coming out.”

It’s intended as a joke, but Amy just tightens her hold around Dan’s hand, waiting until his knuckles crack before finally softening her grip.

Prick.

He holds up his other hand (semi-apologetically given the proud look on his face) before lowering it down to the side of the bed, wrapping it around the metal post and leaning closer to her.

“Okay. Push.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Just fuckin’ push, Amy.” He sounds ticked off, worked up, “Jesus, it’s not hard.”

Despite herself, she finds herself reassured when his hand reaches for her own, and then she’s going for it.

-

Turns out, it’d been harder than he thought it would be.

That epidural – no, those two epidurals – clearly hadn’t done shit because she was still in pain throughout, and her body was on the brink of a fucking collapse. Maybe that’s just what happens though. How the fuck is he supposed to know? He didn’t even wanna be here for this until she roped him, forced him into it.

Watching Amy Brookheimer give birth (to his child) hadn’t ever been on his bucket list, and now, he notes, there’s a reason that was. The whole thing had been brutal. She screamed, in his face, into his shirt. She cried, in his arms, into his shirt. She sweated, like a fuckload.

She’d been all red and warm and horrifically in pain, and Dan’s pretty sure he’s going to picture her mid-labour face whenever he’s holding himself back from coming from now on.

At least now she’s calmer, and quieter, and she’s finally fuckin’ let go of his hand. Honestly, childbirth turned out to be much more of a team sport than he’d thought it would be. He didn’t think he’d ever have to be someone’s punching bag, or actual fucking support system, so that was an experience.

At least now she looks like herself, and her blonde hair is straight again because she (post-labour, of course) practically assaulted a nurse until they gave her a hairbrush. Type A, confirmed.

At least now, he can run his hands through pretty, long, straight blonde hair and grab it, tug it, pull it. Maybe once she’s out of here, and he’s changed out this bloody tear-stained, snot-ridden sweaty mess of a striped shirt, they could-

Honestly, she’s really fucking glowing and he’s kind of enjoying it. Is she supposed to look this fuckable after just giving birth? He’s probably a mess himself, all bruised knuckles from her death grip, and aching legs from standing up for so long. Oh, well.

Their son is born at a healthy weight, with blueing grey eyes and a patch of light dark hair atop his head. But he’s all gunky and gooey and just plain fucking gross, so the nurse takes him away to be cleaned up when Amy’s had just about a minute with him.

He was actually kind of… cute? Fuck, she hates that word.

Cute in a way that meant if she stared at him for too long, she’d fucking vomit. Cute in a way that meant he was cuter than most babies – but then again, that’s just their genetics.

“You did great.” Dan’s grinning (again, like a dickhead), “You know that, right?”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

“I’m serious.”

It’s not the first time he’s complimented her skills, competence. But it’s a strange kind of sincerity, one with a little more meaning, depth behind it than she’s used to receiving from him, from anyone.

Pushing herself up on both palms, her back aches as she stretches, props herself up into a comfier position against some square pillows. It’s not soothing, though, and she has to readjust the shitty cushions behind her to find some kind of comfort. She’s fucking sat on one, and it’s doing nothing to alleviate the pain she’s feeling down below.

“When do you think I can leave?”

She wants to be working, walking about, running around, doing things. Being cooped up in a hospital bed is not fun, is not productive, is not rewarding. Granted, she can still talk and call and email but it’s not the same as being up and about, out where the action is, where she’s actually useful.

Dan gets to leave whenever he likes. Dan doesn’t have to remain on bedrest for an undetermined amount of time. Dan doesn’t have to deal with a sore vagina and everything else that entails. Dan is a man, got the ‘get out of jail free’ card when she drew the one that forces her to take five places back.

Dick, she scowls.

“Probably tonight. That nurse said there weren’t any complications so we can probably go home later.” He reasons, shrugs as though it’s nothing major. Dick.

“We?” Amy lifts a brow, sniffles, “You can go home already, you know.”

“What, you think I’m just gonna fuckin’ leave you here?” Dan stares down at her, runs one hand along the cool railing, “Jesus Christ, Amy, you just had my kid. Even I’m not that fuckin’ cold.” He almost looks appalled at the idea – he’s desperate to leave though, to go home. Fuck it, he’s half-tempted to pack her bag, get her dressed, grab the baby and make a run for it.

“I’m just saying, you don’t have to wait for me-”

“Shut the fuck up.” His head ducks, eyes closing. What the fuck is he doing?

“I can have my mom bring me back to the apartment later. It s fine-” Because she’s still here, because Grandma B likes being involved in all things Baby Brookheimer-Egan related, because she’s just that kind of person. At least they’ll have someone to babysit for them that isn’t hired or fucking Gary.

“Amy, seriously. Shut up.”

“Why?” She smirks, figures she can get a rise out of him and whatever the fuck he’s trying to conceal. Is that… fucking emotion, some kind of weird display of fucking devotion? What- “Or Gary. It’s not like he has anything better to do anyway, other than trim Selina’s nails or wipe her ass.”

“You’re not going home with Gary. For fuck’s sake, Amy. Is it so hard for you to just shut your fucking mouth every once in awhile?”

You getting worked up there, Danny?

He sighs (deeply, strangely), and then he’s leaning down and kissing her before she can even say anything else, anything at all.

It’s a weird kiss, different from their normal, their usual. There’s no tongue shoved down her throat (which she almost sadly longs for), no hand on her neck (which is oddly irritating), no hair-pulling or shirt-tugging (which she really fucking craves).

It’s just a kiss on her lips (soft, surprisingly bland yet somehow charming), and then it’s over.

“What the fuck?” She exclaims when he’s pulled back, scratching the space between dark furrowed brows. “What, did you develop some kind of sappy dad hormones as soon as the fucking baby started kicking and screaming?”

“No, I-” He begins, shifts his gaze from the white sheet of her hospital bed to her face, all pink lips and flushed face. “I don’t know, Amy. Fuck!”

He doesn’t know why he kissed her - like that - save for the fact that he wanted to (almost desperately), so he did. Fuck, he feels feverish. He’s flushed, more than she is, has been, and he doesn’t understand why. His breathing is faster than it was a moment ago, and he wants nothing more than to take that kiss back.

“Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Amy leans back against her pillows, hitches up the bottom of her gown and stretches out her legs. “Fuck.” Her eyes close and she swallows a breath, way too calm for his liking.

Why isn’t she on edge? Why isn’t she begging to be let out of this room? Why isn’t she bribing nurses?

Why isn’t she Amy?

“You know I like you, right?”

“You like me?” She grins despite her eyes remaining closed, and her neck reddens, “Wow, Dan. What a revelation.”

“As in, I like you more than I like anybody else.” Dan shrugs (for no good reason), and he clears his throat with one hand smoothing along the bed railing, “As in, I say I like you, but it’s more than that, and you know it.”

“Oh, I do? Because you’ve made it so blatantly obvious over the years?” She laughs, once, practically hiccups. “Sure, Dan. You like me like that.”

His fingers dance along the thin mattress, curling around the hem of her gown, all pale skin and pastel blue cloth.

Why is she Amy?

“You never wondered why I stayed?”

“Because you think you’re getting something out of this.” She reasons, peeks one eye open and looks at him, flicks both eyes open when she notices his frown. “Jesus Christ, why do you look like someone just reported you as a sex offender? Sort your face out.”

“I mean, you’re not wrong.” He nods. He did get sex out of this. He did get Amy out of this, in some way, in some capacity. He did get a mini version of himself out of this, and his narcissistic ass kind of really loves that part of the deal. “Not entirely.”

“Oh, go on.” Amy smiles, “What am I missing? Why did you stay?”

“Because it’s you.”

Why is she Amy?

Because if she wasn’t, he wouldn’t be Dan.

“Is this the part where I swoon, and you get down on one knee, and the whole hospital staff applauds when I agree to marry you?” She’s smirking - that bitch! - and she licks her lips, holds her breath for a second.

“Is this where we elope and move to the suburbs and fuck maybe once every three months and I don’t let you finish?” Biting her lip, “Is this where you say you love me?”

She drags out that word, and Dan’s face near drowns of all colour. Fuck her.

“You’re a real cunt, you know that?”

She just nods, sheepish, lets the hand in her lap move to brush against his own, toying with her blue gown, “You love this cunt.”

“I do.” His palm runs along her stomach, stops just above the space between her legs. “And you love this dick.”

Amy smiles, ducks her head, understands him straight away yet doesn’t exactly deny it, “Fuck you.”

“Oh, believe me, you will. I’m just waiting until we can leave and they clear you for sex.”

“You’re seriously fucking turned on by this, aren’t you? That’s some next level, twisted mommy-issue shit right there, Dan.”

“Babe, the only mommy I’m thinking about right now is you.”

“If you start calling yourself ‘daddy’, I swear your balls are getting the chop.”

“Daddy Egan?” He boasts, beams.

“Just my luck.”