#fucking help me not think about anything
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Look okay yall are allowed, expected, even encouraged to ignore everything below the upcoming readmore. I'm only posting this here because I need to rant somewhere that isn't a brick wall, and I don't feel like dumping this in a vent channel for a school club.
(cw friendships and endings, anger, irritation, the things that come along with being autistic around people, etc. Abuse/trauma mentions. Talk of being a shitty friend/shitty person. All that good stuff. Lots of self-deprecation.)
I'm pissed off. I'm not showing it externally because there's just no fucking point to that but I want to do SOMETHING about it at this point and journaling it isn't enough anymore okay. I'm fucking irritated.
Like lemme start off with my high school crush. I have a friend who rants about his high school crush and I'm happy to listen, don't get me wrong, but I so badly want to rant back about mine because I thought we were friends and this person just kinda faded out of my life. And I'm irritated because I reached out and I tried to ask what I did wrong because I'm still very sure it was something I did. I have no clue what. The message containing the plea for information got no response, so I still don't know what I did, but it warranted whispering and pointing and I know that realistically I don't want to be friends or partners with someone like that but it still hurts in my chest when I think about it too hard, so I just have to try really fucking hard not to think of that person, as if I get a fucking choice in it.
And then there's my up-til-recently best friend. Like. There was a lot of shit that went wrong there on both fucking sides. I know this. Painfully-fucking-aware of the role I played. Because admittedly, I did something pretty similar to what my ex-crush did. We had an argument, and neither of us reached out. The thing is that we were both fucking HORRIBLE for each other and I could not do the things this friend wanted me to do without changing a lot of who I am as a person and how I naturally relate to people. I thought for the past two years that I was just an overall bad friend, and in hindsight, I was a bad friend to this specific person. But I have different friends that really like how I perform friendship.
So why the fuck would I sit there breaking someone else and being broken when I could just accept that things would not work out? It's not like I fully withdrew; I didn't break the DM silence, no, but I still liked and shared posts that this friend posted. I still tried in my own way because I was holding out hope that maybe we'd shift to acquaintances for a while and be able to try again later once we both had grown.
IT IS FULLY ON ME FOR NOT COMMUNICATING THIS DESIRE. I'm not saying it's not. But I talked about it in therapy, and I built the skills I would need to have this conversation, and every time I thought I was ready, I saw, vividly, intrusively, how it was likely to end.
And it's definitively, exceptionally selfish of me to say this.
But I decided I'd rather take advantage of the moot point we were at and just let shit happen, for better or worse.
Than to have to speak how I was feeling. And have it out in the open. And hear for the thousandth time what a terrible, shitty friend and person I am.
BUT MORE THAN THAT, the fucking CORE of why I'm pissed off has less to do with either of them (FUCK MICROSOFT FOR JUST GIVING ME A POPUP ABOUT PICTURES SAVED THAT SHOW ME AND MY HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH BTW. FUCK YOU).
The core of why I'm pissed off goes back to my fucking abuser, as everything seems to. Because that's the bitch that got me masking so hard in the first place for the sake of safety and survival and I'm pissed off that I ever fucking had to do that at all. Bullying contributed, yes, but she played such a major role in taking what was already stress-fracturing and just smashed it in finally.
Like I've changed so much about myself over the years, to the point that for a good chuck of late-middle to early-high school, I was a shell of a person. At some point I felt like I was waking up and seeing the people around me in a completely different way. I interacted with my siblings and learned about them as if I'd been away for years and just came back to fully-fledged tweens and teens.
I suppressed and changed and fucking. Ignored the idea of boundaries. To the point that honestly, now-ex-bestie was screwed over by all of this. Because when we became friends I was still so much more broken than I am today and he helped a lot but when shit went wrong it went SO wrong. And I never got the hang of boundaries or communication with him and I don't know why exactly I didn't feel safe but I didn't and I don't think that's entirely his fault.
But like. She fucked me up. I don't know a better way to say it.
And what actually pisses me off, the core thought that led to this entire, rambling, pain-in-the-ass blog post is the idea that I've changed myself so many times and I tried so hard to be what I thought people wanted me to be and I can't do that. I can't continue to do that because I'm fucking miserable, and aside from my partner and the remaining QPP that I haven't pushed away yet somehow, I have maybe three other friends who see me being myself, even as terrified as I was when that started, and embraced that person.
I'm rediscovering things about myself that I hadn't seen or remembered in years, and I'm becoming closer to my core self over time, and I value that greatly, but it should not have taken this much pain and suffering, whether that I've given or received, to get to this point. And I hate it and I regret the shit I've done but I just want to grow from this and move on and my stupid fucking brain sees tiny things and overreacts to them.
So I should be doing homework but instead I'm sitting on Tumblr, writing some fucking blog post trying to excuse everything I've done, to myself and others, to get to this point as if the ends could ever justify the means.
And I said I didn't really want people to read it but that's a lie. I'm just scared that people will finally tell me how terrible of a person I've been for the past 24 years. And confirm every bad thought I've ever had about myself. Because for every part of me that believes I've never deserved it, there's at least one part that believes I earned every single scar that exists on my body and mind.
#vent#personal vent#vent post#fucking help me not think about anything#I'm sorry.#I'm safe.#Unfortunately.
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thinking of a new steddie fic/au hmmm.
It’s just the classic, Steve buys weed from Eddie in season 1 era, he and Tommy meet him at the bench in the woods behind school. Steve and Eddie have some playful banter and clearly get along, but it’s dismissed as just a drug deal and they go on about their lives.
Next time they meet is when a frantic Steve comes and finds Eddie after he’s just fought off the demogorgon for the first time. He’s rattled, and skittish, wearing a nasty black bruise on his eye, and just overall not acting like himself. He snaps at Eddie multiple times to just ‘hurry up’ and ‘get him his stuff’, and sure he’s being an asshole, but more than anything Eddie is just concerned. He has never seen The King Steve Harrington lose his cool like this. So Eddie cautiously gives him the weed, making sure not to give too much, and lets him go about his day, but not before asking if he’s alright. Steve clearly wasn’t expecting this and brushes it off defensively, but that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about it for the rest of his week. How the hell did Eddie Munson notice something was wrong, when his own parents didn’t? Nor his “friends”?
They cross paths again a year later, the beginning of season two. Steve is still with Nancy and has freshly dumped his old douchebag crew of superficial friends. He is still sitting quite comfortably on the higher ranks of popularity, but there is no denying his status is not what it used to be. He comes to buy weed from Eddie in the first week back at school, and it’s a casual interaction. He’s still as charmingly stuck up as he ever was, but now without Tommy there to judge his every move, he seems a little more at ease when making casual conversation with Eddie. Eddie doesn’t mention the year before and Steve is so glad for it, secretly very embarrassed that he went to Eddie for some refuge after arguably his most traumatic experience to date. He gets his stuff, giving Eddie a smirk when he notices he’s dropped the price significantly for Steve when it’s just him alone. Eddie gives him a challenging smile back, almost daring him to call it out, but he doesn’t. They both just laugh and part ways.
The next run in is tina’s halloween party. They notice eachother when Steve first arrives, making eye contact and giving a polite nod. Maybe Eddie lifts his drink up to Steve in a silly salute. They don’t speak at all or make any effort to hang around eachother. That is, until Steve storms down the stairs in a rage after he’d gone up there with Nancy Wheeler. But then are those- tears? Eddie was standing on the front porch smoking a cigarette, trying to discreetly hide from one Billy Hargrove to avoid having to sell him anything, but staying visible enough that he won’t lose all chances of making any money tonight. Steve storms right past him and hits his shoulder. Eddie whips around and is about to call him a dick before he sees who it is.
Steve tries to quickly wipe his face, he won’t make eye contact with Eddie, and he’s clearly trying to get out as fast as he can. Eddie doesn’t let him, though, since he’s obviously not thinking very clearly and is most likely about to do something emotional and stupid. He asks if Steve’s alright, and his answers are all short and rushed, so he’s definitely not. They’re not really friends, but Eddie’s not an asshole.
— “Did you drive?” Eddie asks
“Yeah”
“Well, you’re drunk, Steve. You can’t get behind a wheel right now. And if I knowingly let you, then that makes me an accomplice. I’ll take you home.”
Steve tries to protest, attempting to push past him, but Eddie interjects. “Yeah, yeah, alright! Don’t thank me yet, Steve’o. This is not for you, see, I’m not trying to get a criminal record, here. I cant go to prison, Steve. Do you know what they’d do to a pretty guy like me in prison? Nope, let’s go hot stuff.” —
Eddie takes Steve home. They don’t talk much. By the time they reach Steve’s drive way and Eddie has put his van in park, Steve is making no attempt to exit the vehicle just yet. Eddie doesn’t know what to do, he didn’t really plan this far, so he’s just tapping away awkwardly at his steering wheel while Harrington stares down the dashboard so clearly lost in thought Eddie fears his head might explode. Steve tells Eddie what happened, says it’s ‘relationship troubles’, and he’s not quite sure what compelled him into being so honest with Eddie Munson, but he’s blaming the alcohol. Eddie wasn’t expecting that. They chat for a bit, Eddie makes Steve laugh and considers the whole night a success after that. Then they start cracking jokes about their shared hatred for Hargrove, and Steve looks and sounds a bit more ok to go inside. He thanks Eddie, quite sincerely actually, and it throws him a bit. He stutters a ‘yeah, for sure. It’s no problem.’ And Steve goes home.
After that, it’s a little different. Steve, doesn’t actually really have anyone, anymore. When they go back to school he’s now greeting Eddie here and there in the hallways, making conversation when they find themselves alone together, in the lunch line or at the bathroom sink. He doesn’t approach Eddie when there’s too many people around, though. As much as he’s grown, Steve Harrington still carry’s some prejudice in him about how certain things may make him look. But it doesn’t bother Eddie too much. It’s not like they are really friends, they’re just like, strange acquaintances. And Steve would never deny that they get along, that really Eddie’s ‘not so bad’. So that’s a win.
Steve finds Eddie again not long after the party to buy some more weed, a plan that sparked purely out of boredom. Eddie says yes, of course, but tells him if he wants it today he will need to wait till after school and meet Eddie at his place, since he was busy. So Steve takes a trip to the Munson trailer to make his deal. Eddie invites him inside and they sit together on the couch as he gets Steve’s bag ready. They end up making quite pleasant conversation, joking around and ultimately finding they are really enjoying each other’s company. They enjoy it so much so, that Steve ends up smoking there, with Eddie. So now they are kind of like, hanging out? And it’s fun, so they do it again. Still they’re not, friends friends, they just get along. Eddie just sells Steve weed sometimes and they keep it civil.
He doesn’t hear from Steve for a while, and the next time he sees him it’s from a distance, in passing. The man has the most roughed up face Eddie has ever seen, bruised and swollen in multiple areas, stitches and bandages all over. It’s really, concerning? completely metal, but alarming. This is the second time Eddie has seen the guy all beaten up like that. He knew that boys fight, but surely not that bad? As worried as he was, Eddie doesn’t approach him to ask questions, because they don’t know eachother like that. So he goes on about his day, and he doesn’t see Steve again after that for quite some time.
Then it’s summer, Eddie isn’t graduating again, and he’s not really sure what to do with himself over the break. The new mall has just opened up, and there’s a cool music store up on the second floor that he likes to visit sometimes with his band friends. And wouldn’t you know, working at the Scoops Ahoy located directly across from his favourite store, is Steve Harrington. The guy hasn’t come to Eddie for any weed since last year, and then there was that sighting where he looked like he’d just fallen face first into a flying fist or two, so it’s been a minute since Eddie’s seen him. And he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t a nice surprise. He only goes into scoops once. He’s curious, okay? Sue him. And, he knows the girl who works with him, Robin. So he plays it off like he had no idea he’d see Steve there. And to his surprise, Steve actually acknowledges him. He doesn’t act like Eddie is a total stranger just because they’re not in school anymore. The interaction is quick, they make very casual conversation, Eddie says hi to Robin, grabs his milkshake and goes home. That’s all. He doesn’t go back, and he doesn’t really plan to. Steve’s nice, and he knows Eddie’s around if he needs to buy from him again, and that’s really as far as their relationship goes. That’s all it ever was. It’s been fun getting to know Steve Harrington a little bit better, even if it was just for a short time. Eddie liked having the chance to see in past the quaffed hair and pressed polo shirts to learn that Steve was really just a person under it all. He never thought he’d say it, but Harrington wasn’t so bad. It was a nice little eye opening experience for Eddie.
Eddie was ready to write off his little blips of interaction with Steve Harrington as a thing of the past, no hard feelings, and move on with his life. That is, until he gets a knock at his front door in the middle of the night afew days after the big mall fire. And it’s Steve on the other side. And he looks awful, his face is the worst Eddie’s ever seen it. And he wasn’t really knocking, more like pounding. He says he needs Eddie’s help.
What the fuck?
#and then he#he asks eddie for help getting really strong drugs oit of your system#and if he knows if there’s anything out there that can have long lasting affects on your system#and if he can please have some weed too actually so he can sleep because maybe that will help#because please give me more paranoid steve not just moving on right away from being fuckinh drugged non consensually !!!#i need to see season 3 steve going to eddie for help after the russians because he doesn’t know anywhere else#and eddie is just like what the actual fuck is this man on about ????#what the hell goes on in the harrington household that causes him to get a black eye annually#and now be rambling about getting drugged????#eddie getting so curious about what is actually going on with him#ugh#anyways might write this proper oooh what do we think#stranger things#eddie munson#steve harrington#steddie#robin buckley#st3#stranger things 2#stranger things 3#steve and eddie#steddie fic#steddie au
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Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanoff The Avengers (2012)
matching each others freak
#marveledit#dailymarvelgifs#steverogersedit#blackwidowedit#steve rogers#natasha romanoff#black widow#captain america#the avengers#my gifs#another one baby#this came along a lot easier and faster#helps that it was all one scene so i could do basically the same coloring and stuff#anyways i love this scene it makes me fucking crazy#i love these two im so sad about what happened to them individually but also as a duo#they barely know each other at this point in the avengers but steve totally goes with her completely bonkers idea to hitch a ride on one#of the aliens?? like shes out of her mind#shes not enhanced or anything either the way steve is like yeah shes a badass and very capable but shes also very much human#but he doesnt argue with her at all he sees her throughline and is like well she wouldnt suggest it if she couldnt pull it off#and his like.... awestruck look as she zooms away...... i know he thinks shes so cool#i just love them i love nat and steve as friends i love their dynamic#i dont ship them romantically but like. i do get it
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been thinking about pok a lot again and that moment when riz told him sklonda was dating gorthalax (in some capacity or another) and pok just went quiet for a bit before he wished her well and like. he's riz's father to such a degree that it hurts. he died young, got to paradise and then said, ok time to go back to work, chop chop. and he does take breaks to listen to riz at his grave and he works in a beautiful meadow when he's not down in hell and -literally speaking- he does sit down but metaphorically he keeps on going and going.
and i'm just imagining that- obviously he knows that he's dead, right? but the human* brain is weird in that way where you'll know things, and you might even sit with them and think you've processed them, but then something will hit you out of left field and you'll realize there are so many aspects of the situation you hadn't internalized yet, and i think that one of those aspects for pok was sklonda, or rather all the dimensions in which her life branched off after he died. because with riz he'd always been painfully aware that his kid was growing up and changing, but with sklonda it's a bit more complicated, it's a bit easier to process the grief of being apart from her, purely on an unconscious level, as being away for work. he's working, she's working, she probably tells him about her work and about riz and riz includes his mom in his stories and it's like, oh this is horribly painful, that i can't be there, but in a way he and sklonda share a lot of what they used to when he was working abroad, no matter how far apart- they're always connected by their love for each other and the quiet but omnipresent nuptial tie and the state of being riz's parents.
and then he's suddenly hit with the reality of an area of sklonda's life that hadn't been on his mind before, considering they were happily and monogamously married. truly just a matter of like, this is not a space you occupy anymore, you're fucking dead, until death do us part and all that, and she might still love you but she loves you like a dead husband like a source of grief like the man she once knew not a living partner. and it's neither of their faults, it's purely a tragedy, and he genuinely wishes her the best because he loves her, he doesn't want her to be alone nor does he expect her to be faithful past reason and the vow they made to each other. but the grief of it still really fucking stings, doesn't it?
#pok gukgak#sklonda gukgak#riz gukgak#the gukgaks#fantasy high#fhsy#fantasy high sophomore year#i have no idea if this makes sense it's an attempt at articulating mush and they exist as multitudes in my brain#and the tenses are all over the place but rly if u get it u get it#im just incredibly abnormal about pok and sklonda ok its so fucking sad#i do hope that at least i articulated that i dont think pok was jealous or anything so benign and unimportant#i do gen see it as him being grief stricken. keep moving keep moving so u dont have to think abt the pain of others moving#and then GAH riz is so much like him. he rly is so much like his dad. help me#dan talks
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not. the greatest cook (still comic under cut <3)
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#woooowww lex actually finishes a comic??? crazy /lh#yes im bullying myself#anyways.....the boyfriend the husbone the soulmate#im not top chef or anything but im USUALLY decent enough?#though i have been known to forget a pot on the stove and have it overflow and smoke the entire house#he always jokes that when he gets startled he ports to the other side of the world map and it never fails to make me giggle#he doesnt mind though (i think he is so fucking good @ cooking.....guess it helps that he raised papyrus 🤷)#for sure had to learn some shit now bobby flay should be kneeling to him for a simple burger#that and he has to run grillby's from time to time..probably to pay off his ridiculous tab 💀#or maybe he's just a good friend?......no. no hes def paying off that tab.#....i still think about that burger...#undertale#utmv#undertale au#ut sans#undertale sans#sans undertale#sans x self insert#sans x oc
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it's been a week and i still haven't recovered </3 so i did a little sketch with this scene between normal and scary because it fucked me up and i need more moments of them comforting and caring for each other
#dndads#dndads s2#dungeons and daddies season 2#dndads s2 spoilers#dndads spoilers#scary marlowe#normal oak swallows garcia#these two make me so fucking ill#i love their relationship and i missed them having moments so much and i was so heartbroken when normal comforted scary about terry jr#it sucks! when your best friend looses her dad and she has to face all this feelings she was trying to protect herself from#and you can't do anything to help hee besides being there and hugging her#if normal could he would take her pain away in a heartbeat#which is an idea i am thinking. about normal messing with the modify memory spell to protect scary from being sad#anyways they are my babies and i love them so much and they are the siblings ever <3
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Would
(go to one of his theatrical broadway-wannabe concerts or perhaps a late night gameshow comedy hour sketch performance. I’m not too picky I’d be willing to pay money just to see him perform anything period)
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Yea I felt like doing something silly in order to break away from the dread of finals week coming up. What can I say? I’m a professional procrastinator. But man oh man it was a good call this time around—I mean just look as this scrumptious masterpiece right here. Time well spent for sure. Genuinely I believe to have cooked with it chat /j
This is a version without the added stars by the way. And the second one is obviously just raw image reference/the original “bereal concert meme” source. I was very tempted to put Puzzles in that same exact outfit—however I decided it would be overly time consuming to make two separate versions. Maybe once finals are over I’ll be able to do that :)
#Obviously the abrupt ‘would’ was only referring to watching him not alluding to anything else don’t read into subtext or innuendos teehee#I’ve officially gone bananas over this pathetic twink#what does this say about me? honestly I’m still trying to figure that one out chief#are the rumors about me listening to Billie Eilish’s ‘Lunch’ continuously while drawing this true? I won’t tell :)#sorry once again I find myself in the delicate situation of wondering if I want to be that man or if I want to be with him#or if I simply wanna admire him from afar and cheer him on like the rabid fan/stan I have become#all the questions running rampant in the mind of an aroace who somehow wound up with this fruity man as a comfort character#ladies and gentlemen welcome to the mind fuck (cue the song ‘Mind Brand’) /j#….sorry I think I’m getting progressively less coherent with these tags every time I post lmfao help#it’s just so fun writing whatever nonsense comes into my mind first#smg4 bereal concert meme#mr puzzles bereal concert meme#bereal concert meme but Mr. Puzzles smg4#bereal concert meme mr puzzles#yea okay think we are in the clear with all the oddly specific tags—now time to see if my art finally makes it to Google images lol#hplonesome art
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[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]
saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#GONNA START FORMATTING MY COMICS BETTER. W THE PROPER 'PREV' 'NEXT' LINKS#REALLY DIDNT EXPECT TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES BUT AAAUUUHH MY BRRAAAIN MY BRAIN IS SO IDEASSS. I HAVE 3 OTHER PAGES SKETCHED OUT#NO PROMISES ILL FINISH EM ANY TIME SOON OR EVER. MY WHIMS ARE THEIR OWN BEAST AND I ONLY DRAW ON MY WHIMS#THAT BEING SAID IF U COMMISSIONED ME ILL GEEETT TO YOUUU IM SORRYYYY. ART IS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE FOR ME N BABY I HAVE EMOTIONS.#ESPECIALLY ABOUT GILLION TIDESTRIDER CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEA HERO OF THE DEEP.for the desc here i put smth that i typed up in the tags of#another thing i made. i gotta make a proper Baby Gillion tag or smth. eventually.. eventually...I LOVE DRAWIN THIS LIL BABY GUY..#i also LOVE depicting the teachers as just being so fuckin mean. ofc theres variation in that. just like in all things.like the teacher her#idk if itll be mentioned but the octo lady is named Ms Octburn.an octopus pun based off the name of an actual councilor i had#when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them.#but this councilor o mine was so genuinely sweet. i remember spending alot of time w her. she doesnt work there anymore.#but that one school adult that actually earns ur trust and is there for you when they can be.its SO important for a child i think#i hope she knows how much she helped me.youll see in the next page that ms octburn isnt perfect either.but she tries. they all try.somehow.#ALL these comics are gonna be inspired by somesorta experience o mine in the school system. school is so fucked up u ever thing abt that#AND GILLIOOOOONNN IN THE MOST FUCKED UP LITTLE SCHOOL OF ALL. MAINTAINED BY A CULT. CENTERED AROUND HIM. OUR CHOSEN ONE#I IMAGINE ALOT BANKS ON HIS SUCCESS. THIS IS THE WORLD. THE WHOLE WORLD. THE PROPHECY IS GOING TO COME TRUE N UR TELLIN ME#THAT ITS THIS LITTLE IDIOT THATS GONNA BE SAVING US? WHAT IF HE FAILS. IF HE CANT GET THIS RIGHT THEN HE WILL FAIL AND WE WILL DIE#WE NEED TO TRAIN HIM. WE NEED HIM TO LEARN. AND TO SUCCEED. OR ELSE WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. I IMAGINE THAT MUST BE STRESSFUL#in other news i hope ppl actually giggle when they read these. they ARE intended to be comical. dark humor or whatever. like its also sad#this is intended to be a sad comic series. but a funny one too. does that make sense? god i hope so.saw some1 say they had flashbacks-#-reading this. like YES!! THE INTENDED EFFECT!! YOU GET ME!! i love seeing ppl get upset on this lil baby boys behalf. i LOVE seeing ppl-#-wail n weep n cry in the comments. i LOOOVE seeing ppl RELATE to baby gillion. and i love letting u all know that this wont be a happycomi#gillion gets his happiness arc in the actual show. this series is one of unfortunate events. teehehehe. do u guys remember that show#i keep listening to the lil songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events for inspiration. GOOD STUFF!!#anyway uuhh uhh thats all i got in my brain. for now. feed me ur comments give me ur input i NNEEEEEDD THHEEEMMMM
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I really liked “I Saw The TV Glow” for a lot of reasons like the lighting and sound design and stuff
But I also really liked it because how similar I felt to it. Like you watch a show you love so much you want to Be In It and all you do is interact with That Show to the point where you start talking like it and you make everything you see like it because you don’t Know anything else
I really liked owens character because of how Stuck he is in his life. He says he doesn’t think about “that stuff” because it makes him feel gross so he doesnt. He takes a job at a place he doesn’t like and when it gets shut down he goes with the manager to the next place also doing a job he hates. When his parents die he lives in the same house he grew up in because he doesn’t want to leave. He had one friend and when she disappeared presumed dead he didn’t do anything but reminiscenced on his time with her and watching the show she helped him watch. You can also see how he starts taking care of himself less after his father died, in the last scenes of the movie he looks like he barely eats or drinks water, he doesn’t do anything but his job. “Years feel like seconds” because he isn’t doing anything of importance he lost everything that he looked forward too
He doesn’t talk above a normal speaking volume until he’s literally DYING and even after he apologizes still out of breath. He’s still dying then. No one responds to his apologies or responded to him when he was screaming
He gets a chance to leave and go with Maddie to The Pink Opaque and he gets scared, he gets a chance to leave with her when he was younger and he gets scared. He’s so unhappy with his life but he doesn’t want to change it because he doesn’t know what else to do
#yeah this movie totally didn’t resonate with me at all#haha#fuck#also he didn’t say anything or really try to wxplore not being a guy except that one time he wore a dress with Maddie. he didn’t even bring#it up with his parents but they made little comments that made him scared. so for the rest of his life he didn’t think about it he tried to#hide how he felt his entire life about everything because he didn’t Want to live his life. he was happy while watching The Pink Opaque so#everything else felt like he was waiting to get back to it#when he rewatched it years later it didn’t feel the same and that’s when he started falling apart. you could see his ribs when he was on th#ground in one of the last scenes his inhaler didn’t work he didn’t do anything to try and get help or get out of it#uhhhhh do I tag the movie#I think I will I liked writing this#I wanna talk about it more but idk How rn#i saw the tv glow#woo hoo!!#the feeling this movie gave is one that got me to start making dextrine and stuff. I don’t want to say too much and spoil it but it’s simil#similar ((:
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"[character] wouldn't act like that"
oh really? have you fucked them? have you personally had sex with this character? have you engaged in so much sexual intercourse with this fictional character that you can assure me they would or wouldn't act a certain way in a sexual setting? have you ever even seen them in an explicit sexual setting in canon?
i don't fucking think so, smartass
#and the same goes when a character falls in love in a fic#and they don't have a confirmed romantic interst in canon#so people are like:#“this is not how this character behaves”#love changes people's behavior dave plus they're fucking fictional#if i want this complete sadistic of a character to be a fucking sap with with their significant other#so help me god#i will do it#im mostly thinking about#chirisu#and any ship with bakugo#AND#steddie#some of y'all act as if we knew how eddie is like when he's in love#WE DON'T#also#jegulus#like we barely know anything about him wdym he wouldn't say that#but honestly#so many more#anything you were thinking about#i'm probably thinking about as well
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So anyway, I really like @moodymisty's custodes oc Valerius Caledon
#warhammer 40k#wh40k#wh40k art#wh40k oc#adeptus custodes#custodes x reader#warhammer x reader#highly relate to beleaguered seamstresses that shit is stressful as much as it is relaxing#since I gave the reader-insert more romanesque clothes I could not help but think about poor wet meow meow bully Cato#getting absolutely cockblocked by a fucking custodes of all things#makes me giggle thinking about his sulking#so anyway#thank you so much for putting all your creativity into the world#I have not seriously drawn anything in like two years and I haven't so much as doodled in a full year#this was really refreshing and invigorating and I'm so happy to have made the time to do this thing that gives me so much joy and pride#myart
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Guys you have to start going to brick and mortar stores again instead of buying every little damn thing online. I am so serious
#saying this bc look I don’t like joann’s fabrics as much as the next person#but looking at the chap 11 closures is truly hellish. we only have 3 of these stores in our state and they’re closing two of them#and I can’t help but think about how few options those communities will have to get anything afordable once they’re gone#and I’ve looked it up multiple times for my own purposes: there are so few fabric stores elsewhere in the state. like these go down#and online shopping will be the only option. and especially with something like fabric that can be a huge problem!#sometimes the websites can be reliable enough to tell you thread count and weave and weight but there are soooo many websites that do not#so you could easily get stuck with some fucked fabric and then what!#not to mention on top of shipping shit can get super fucking expensive real quick#and sure joanns is faaaaar from perfect but jesus at least I can go there and scope out the fabric properly#I’m lucky my own local joanns is staying open but holy fuck it’s so bad!!!#like does nobody else see that buying everything online is draining places of local resources and furthering our enslavement to capitalism?#or is it just fucking me????#god DAMN#also this should go without saying that you absolutely should shop local places first too#but like also I get it bc even one of my local places sells their linen for like 40 bucks a yard which is nuts so just. please as long as#you’re not feeding the devil called amazon for god’s sake
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gonna read all of House of M this weekend i think
#snap chats#making this post so i actually be pressured to do it jvlakJJK#or at least most of it this shit so much longer than i thought no wonder they have a textbook of it HELP#textbook ver dont even include Son of M or the 2015 ver... bruh i got so many tabs open now..#i must remind myself i can read comics whenever i want and i don't HAVE to buy them to read them.. easy to do for the 60's comics#idk why im so against doing that for anything past the 80's but anyways vjAELKJAK#for like months ive been telling myself to read it but ive also been telling myself i want the physical of it first#but Big Dog im not buying that textbook version for a while and i want to read ALL of it so. eJLKJAKL#ill read that big fuck off omnibus this weekend online just to see what all this is then ..... i always see mixed reviews on the saga..#i mean i ordered the rest of Excalibur and THAT. apparently leads into house of m so. makes sense no...#i don't think my excalibur comics will get to my house before /i/ get to my house today so i'll have to read backwards but gjAELKJKL#anyway. will i live blog about it. idk maybe if something funny happens#hope everyone joins me on this journey of actually reading the things i say im going to read it'll be fun#my To Read list is disgusting and ive made it my duty to start making good progress on it this year
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@leonardalphachurch ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE (in reference to this post)
Donut thinks his fursona is a red wolf, all handsome charm and roguish double’o’donut vibe but NO he’s a collie to me, specifically a rough/scots collie— he’s pretty he’s fluffy, he does good work but theres nothing behind those eyes affectionately. Also he likes to be told when he’s a good boy DOING A GOOD JOB
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Grif… would not make a fursona for himself, but I think Kai makes one for him a-la garfield (fat orange cat) and he appreciates the Iconic humor of it at least and u know what i do think kai is right in the cat aspect but more maine coon less garfield (still fat tho /pos)- the kind of big lazy cat that make you do a double take bc like is that a big house cat or a bobcat, ya know?
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Simmons does not Want a Fursona thank you very much he’s not Weird (tm) I'm telling you, he is a chihuahua. Puntsized ball of anxiety that bites and thinks its meaner than he is(but still pretty capable of being a mean little bastard, just,, not as big of one as he thinks)
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Sarge Knows his fursona is a bald eagle. Bc its American. Patriotic! Sounds like a red hawk! Even better! He’s a pitbull— big brick of a head, mean reputation, but he’s a protective kind of caring at heart and u know he’s got that Iconic pittie grin
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Lopez is hard, honestly, and if you asked him youd either get No Answer, or something thrown at you i think but like his fursona is like transformer mech bullshit that no one ever wants to draw and if you commissioned it you get like 20+ complex design additional charges because the rivets have to be 100% accurate and if they arent he would Know, its not even a fursona really at this point its just a cool mech body he wont ever build bc he doesnt trust anyone else to not fucking break it but emotionally its his fursona - the fursona I assign him is a remote control warthog, bc im sorry dude but i cannot give you a proper fursona to save my life my brain just refuses to do it so, goofy shit it is
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SHEILA is, wonderfully, a sea turtle. Specifically i’m partial to a leatherback for her just for the scale factor alone but just the vibe in general of just,, seat turtle fits her idk how to describe it. In character, i do think she would misunderstand the assignment and just be like “oh! Im a Scorpion” bc thats the casual term for the M808B main battle tank in halo
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Church(A), like simmons, REFUSES to even Consider it (epsilon considers it a Lot okay, theta’s got some cool design concepts but keep it on the dl bud) but i think he’s gotta be idog from the early 2000s. But like an edgy one the kind that were born of 12 yearolds traced over google images of the normal ones and recolored into Original Characters (i think their shape is based on beagles iirc??? Or labs), but yeah those things. If pressed, epsilon auto answers wolf but in that asshole way that sounds like he’s being a dick about it but no thats his actual answer
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Caboose is a great dane. He’s just Great like that!! Yay! Friend shaped, really not used to being uhh mindful of his size and strength but loyal and protective ya know?? He's the only one who i think would correctly clock his own fursona on the first try
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Tex would claim something badass like a tiger or something, but she’s like,,, a mockingbird :) i mean it IS the state bird of texas, and well... shes not a mockery of anything but she isnt the og either, ya know
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Tucker claims a fox, because he’s sly and bitches Love foxes but to me?? Bluejay. Brightly colored, loud, mean little corvid asshole. Too damn clever for his own good- i would also maybe give him peacock or kingfisher if feeling more like,, flamboyant but he just feels very jay to me. maybe its the corvid bastard thing, or the bluejay in my backyard choosing the tree by my window as prime screaming spot for 6 am yelling for like a month but the vibe is there
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Kai has so many furry characters. With the worst application of color theory known to man but somehow it works for her brand??? Sparkle dogs man, the woman is made for making sparkle dogs!! If i assign her cat to match grif, it'd specifically the kind of like bengal, this cat climbs walls kind of cat you know?? Zoomies all day every day! BUt i think more accurately to Kai as a person? Raccoon. Mischief and little grabby bastard hands and she would love it
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Washington, if asked would shrug and say probably a cat bc u know, nine lives and all that- no. Im sorry cat wash truthers I respect cat wash, but nah Washington is a dog boy to me im sorry and specifically he’s a little Jack Russell terrier thats fast and vicious but man sometimes u gotta remember he’s like,,, he’s smaller than a cat man you gotta give him some help ya know?? Dont make him do it alone!!!
.......Or a horse i dont know how to elaborate on that one just,,, trust me
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Carolina is oblivious to the concept of fursonas almost entirely, but she’s a greyhound and you know im right
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Locus is genuinely the hardest one to place and i dont think he’d come up with a fursona for himself, but he gets assigned wolf by Donut i feel it, the whole lone wolf thing he has going and all during his redemption! Which honestly???? Maybe yeah? An argument could be made for another working dog (HELLO German Shepards my god) (context here: i had a german shepard/corgi mix, he was my lil guy, he was too damn smart for his own good and patrolled the back yard fence up until he couldnt keep his hips underneath himself anymore and then! He! kept! trying! So yes that does influence my input on german shepard locus) i just struggle to see locus as a dog???? Dogs are very high energy which -gestures to red team- but locus rarely has that same baseline energy i associate with dogs??? He’s hard to pin down and i’ve yet to manage it but im partial to something arboreal,,, the first thing that comes to mind on that train of thought is a binturong and i lost it imagining that so sure we'll go with that i have a lot of thoughts about locus
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Felix wouldve loved the energy of being like the lucky cat with nine lives. I personally dont care for felix, but he would be that guy with like, its not a proper fursona bc he wouldnt b caught dead calling it that, but he has a fursona for scamming people and driving up the prices on auctions for no reason other than to fuck with people when he's bored. I subscribe to weasel/ferret Felix personally, specifically a yellow bellied weasel bc theres just,, honestly the name amuses me with the implications. He’s difficult to catch and handle, energetic and gets into shit no one wants him getting to. It fits
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Doyle is a mouse, maybe MAYBE a rabbit, he doesnt know what fursonas are either but he just checks the mouse box for me personally,, very holdable, but skittish and might still bite you if u scare him bad enough
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Dr Emily Grey does not have a fursona but she does think theyre neat and has let her patients all give her one, tho none of them agree on what she is. I think she's a shrike, specifically a great grey shrike! they're VICIOUS little birds, who dont look like much but they regularly hunt shit twice their size and are also known for impaling bugs on thorns and like, barbed wire?? theyre neat, and technically i think they count as corvids? clever little hunting machines
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Kimball is definitely a german shepard tho like while im on the fence about it for Locus, there is no question about it for her she checks the boxes fits the vibe right down to the way she guards the new republic and chorus with her heart just under her sleeve
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Sharkface. Shark. I mean….really. SPECIFICALLY THO a tiger shark tho, and he would absolutely be a dick if you implied a great white or a megalodon would be “better” bc no tiger sharks are exactly the kind of shark he should be thank you VERY much
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thats everyone i have STRONG fursona assignment feelings for, and some are more flexible than others or more solid in some cases but YEAH! i think about this shit. a lot sidebar: i think the chorusans who know and are open about fursonas would probably use weird alien animals from chorus when picking them which makes this harder for them specifically bc the ones who would have fursonas arent limited to earth animals
all images are from the wiki pages for the animals! except for lopez. thats from the amazon page for the warthog
#i spent#far too long thinking about this#youre welcome to tell me im wrong and why im curious to hear other ppls takes too#rambling like a red#im NOT tagging everyone affectionate#i will however add#rvb#red vs blue#this is long winded even without the images MY BAD LMAO#but i think the visuals help#also i didnt have anything clever to say at the start to warrant a read more so its just long as fuck lmao
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couple of mello + near doodles
#death note#mello#mihael keehl#near#nate river#meronia#bright colors#eyestrain#been having fun w colors recently :3#these are the product of me really really really not wanting to do some discussion boards#like i don’t even hate discussion boards but something about them has been filling me with dread i’d rather just do exams tbh#i'm like dragging myself through the rest of this semester but it's different from last semester last semester i was losing my mind#this semester i've been able to sleep more than 4 hours a night and go outside bc it's not freezing but also i'm just so fucking done#with school i've been here too long i'm tired but i'm always tired and will always be tired it's tragic honestly i think i'd be more cool#with school if i weren't living how i am rn w my family but eh i don't have the money to move out so it's whatever and it doesn't really#help that i know i'll have to get at least a master's to really do anything in my field and the though of doing more of this makes#me so tired i think i might take a gap year after i get my bachelors this fall idk#anyways enjoy my doodles or don't if you don't want to i'm not the boss of you
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murder drones sonic au solely based on the fact that J and tessa would be perfect for the roles of shadow and maria. you’re welcome.
#emmy talks#sonic the hedgehog#sth#shadow the hedgehog#murder drones#tessa elliott#serial designation j#md#maria robotnik#did i think about ANYTHING other than this? nope. do i give a fuck? not at all#that’s for you people to help me figure out 😇
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