#fucking disabled dude. why are you making it Harder for disabled people and not making the abled people write about why THEY should get in.

[sagxshi]

i fucking hate everything about applying for mcat fee assistance this shit fucking sucks fuck the aamc

[safe-ship]

Heads up about the safeship creator everyone, they refuse to provide accessibility to screen readers despite being asked to multiple times & is generally ableist. Below are some screenshots + a transcript of a really long paragraph rant went on.

Context: An anon asked her to stop using ! and 0s to censor proship related things. This was her response:

Context: The same anon sends another ask that the OP screenshotted. (I cannot find the post as it seems she either deleted it or Tumblr's search feature is funky)

Their response is copied + pasted below. Content warning for NSFW mentions, sexual harassment (of the anon), and guilt tripping.

Listen dude i do know better you fucking insufferable misinformed prick. I myself need readability accessibility with ny fucking aphasia that is only getting worse. I already know firsthand how little people give a shit about this stuff becuz i need it. I already have difficulty writing legibly okay. And i get a lot of shit over this disability that i dont deserve. I made this fucking tag to help others to the point that i dont even block the few people weve had problems with so that even if i have to sed it at least the tag will work well for others. So if i have to put a 0 and ! In the forbidden word to decrease how much extra stress is gonna be on me from putting it straight up on their dinner plates then im fucking going to. Why dont you get off your high horse and grow the fuck up and stop making fucking assumptions. Cause im doing a hell of a lot more of kindness and effort for accessibility than you are for saying its immoral for someone WHO NEEDS screendreaders and is ashamed about it to choose a fucking single exclammation point over getting the regular bullshit i put up with from people who wanna be pedos x100 so that you can feel good abt yourself becuz u would choose the latter. Whether ur also a screenreader needer or not what you are is a fuvking asshole becuz i literally have two spine surgeries voming up with a huge threat of bevoming a paraplegic or dead before then and i have a shortened lifespan from all my disabilities. I come into this community to cope with how shit my life is and i try to make it better for others no matter if its a little harder on me and i get nothin but disrespect from invasive and presumptuous assholes like u behind anon who dont wanna have a real vonversation with me or actually think abt anyone but yourself and how good it feels to stroke ur moral dick over the dying woman and i have had it up to here!

U guys wanna keep coming in my inbox being assholes to me? No nuance in life im a bitch? So little thanks nothing but pussies on anon talking shit or invading my privacy? Maybe someone the fuck else should try and run this ship then becuz im fed the hell up and abt to deactivate.

And even despite being told twice to provide accessibility, they continues to be inaccessible even excluding shipcourse.

And in regards to more of their ableism, they told someone to "develop a frontal lobe" which is harmful towards those with intellectual disabilities. For context: calicofemme was their old main.

Anyway, do what you will with this information. If anyone wants to add more things to this regarding her behavior, go ahead & I'll reblog it. I made this post to raise awareness of how the creator is harmful and shouldn't even be in this community because of how they go entirely against their motive for making it.

[bonesandthebees]

Okay, glass divine. Before I get to any of the motivations, I just want to talk about the Deathlings a little bit. I didn't really talk about the actual football last time, but I love who you can just tell they are a very inclusive little society. Which is to be expected when most of not all of them have prosthetics which can be disabling at times. It’s also kinda fun to see Wilbur figure the prostetics out by observing and ot’s a nice way to let us know without having to force the characters into revealing it themselves.

Anyway, I just love all their rules for making it fair and how they stop to take breaks or have people sit out and there’s no fuss around it. It makes me very happy to see. Also, if I understand the interaction correctly, then Tubbo has hearing aids. Like that’a what Techno was asking and why he used hand gestures. Is there and actual sign language or did they make up some signs themselves? Anyway, it makes sense that Tubbo’s ears would be fucked since he has an explosion scare on his face.

There’s also the fact that a lot of the Deathlinhs seem to have had near-death experiences which involved losing a limb or take. Ranboo the worst of all. It’s interesting to see how normal it is to them vs. how Wilbur reacts to and interacts with it. He doesn’t treat it as if it’s that abnormal, but he still can’t look at Ranboo because the idea of what happened to him makes him sick. And even if he doesn’t really want to or take pleasure out of it, he still abuses Tommy’s bad lungs to try and escape.

(1/?)

-🌲

oh thank you!! yes I wanted to provide more descriptions for who had what prosthetics, and I realized that when they were playing football I could add little details here and there showing exactly that. also, I wanted to emphasize that while the cybernetic prosthetics are extremely advanced, it's still a prosthetic limb. it's never going to be a perfect replacement. so yeah, sometimes people need to take breaks, and they're all fine with that.

and you're right, tubbo has hearing aids! sign language still exists in the world of glass, so yeah, the Deathlings just use the standard sign language for their country. tubbo's hearing aids will be touched on a bit later in the story, but most of the Deathlings at least know bits and pieces of sign for tubbo. only tommy, ranboo, and aimsey are fluent though. tubbo tends to turn his hearing aids off later in the evenings because leaving them on for too long gives him a headache, and sometimes it's nice to have everything be just a bit more quiet. that's why techno asked if he had them on, because it was late at night so he wasn't sure if he'd turned them back on or not.

ok so note: a lot of the injuries the Deathlings sustained wouldn't typically lead to a loss of a limb, but you gotta consider the context. the Deathlings are an illegal terrorist group living underneath the city. if they get hurt, they can't just go to a hospital to get fixed up. Ponk is the only doctor they have. say someone were to severely break their leg in several places. with access to a full hospital including a full surgical staff and tools, that person probably wouldn't lose their leg because the staff would be able to piece it all back together. now consider that same break when your hospital is literally just one dude living in an underground temple without access to things like x-rays, MRIs, etc. it's gonna be a lot harder to piece that bone back together. but the Deathlings DO have a master engineer who can create a fully functioning prosthetic limb. so the solution is pretty obvious.

of course, a lot of the injuries the Deathlings received that led to their cybernetics happened before they joined the group, but yeah I just wanted to give that explanation

the thing is, cybernetics are fairly common in the lower districts in general and not just with the Deathlings. of course, prosthetics like what they have aren't very common because of how high quality sam's workmanship is (he could make so much money if he wasn't part of a death cult), but cybernetics are often considered a 'cheaper' solution to injuries that will cause long-term health issues. so it's really just wilbur not interacting with anyone that's not rich for the past 10+ years that's caused him to be so startled by all of this.

[anon-1863727]

dear fake autism assholes:

erasing the parts of ASD that make it difficult to live with so that it's cute and quirky for the internet isn't "acceptance" or "education" it's just calling us retarded in a different typeface. it is a disability. it is a disorder. by saying that those things are "offensive" you're saying "disabled" and "disordered" are insults. you're doing the exact same thing you make all your posts about stopping.

my disability is not your cosplay. my headphones are not your prop. my stims are not your choreo.

i can't find community online because every group, subreddit, etc is so flooded with mushroom hats and unofficial diagnosis.

i understand there are circumstances where people can't reasonably get diagnosis and that i am lucky to have been able to, but it makes no sense to me that i see more undiagnosed people who *think* they're autistic speaking for us than i see actually autistic people. it's just as bad as autism speaks. I'm not taken seriously when i mention my condition and it isn't because of people having misconceptions about autism, it's because of people immediately assuming it's fake because I'm within the age range of the people faking it.

I'd just ignore it and leave it be but its so hard to avoid the effects.

just because you're irritated by sound or like to jump doesn't mean you're autistic. AUTISM IS A DISABILITY. IT IS A DISORDER. YOU DON'T HAVE AUTISM IF ITS NOT DISABLING, IT IS A DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITY. YOU WOULDNT FUCKING TELL A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR THAT HES NOT DISABLED BECAUSE HE CAN LIVE A FAIRLY NORMAL LIFE. YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE ON CRUTCHES FOR A WHILE WITH A BROKEN LEG THAT YOUR LIFE IS THE SAME AS SOMEONE WHO'S MISSING A LEG. SAME GOES FOR US.

if you only use autism as a conversational point or internet persona chances are you are not fucking autistic. it affects day-to-day life, it doesn't just turn off when you're alone.

i understand there are flaws in the diagnostic process. i understand it's harder for women. i understand that some people do genuinely find out they're autistic because of the internet. low support needs autism is just as valid as low-moderate support like myself or high support or anything in between. i don't think being young or part of the alt scene invalidates asd either, I'm 16 and for a while yeah i did like the goblincore style. it's just a very specific group that I'm fed up with that's made themselves a very loud minority and screams ableist when questioned.

i don't know why people fake things like this but y'all need to take it elsewhere. I'm sorry you feel the need to do something like that but you're damaging the community while you pretend to be our saviors and it has got to go.

that being said i don't support things like r/fakedisordercringe and such bc dude its just making fun of kids 90% of the time and harassing people isn't ok or productive even if it were. if those who want to trash those kinds of people's accounts had any sense they'd just stop commenting or reposting etc bc all it does is boost the post and encourage it. just suffocate it please. and if you're one of the people faking that kinda shit... dude stop. seriously stop you're just hurting people and making a fool of yourself. it doesn't make you a bad person but you're definitely making bad decisions so just please for the love of g-d give us back our space.

[delusion-of-negation]

what the actual fuck are you talking about? the passage of time literally isn't constant. it changes based on gravity, speed, and it wouldn't even be wholly accurate to describe it as "passing", but relevant to the post, people's perception of it changes through a bunch of mechanisms and for a bunch of reasons, then it "goes" faster when you get older - something nobody believes when an adult tells them when they're a kid, then they get slammed with years passing like months and they feel out of their depth and in need of a moment to catch their breath that can't come. and we haven't even gotten into how losing your entire childhood to the things like trauma, war, severe ill health, etc, that plenty of folks feeling lost now went through, makes it even harder to watch an eternity crumble to dust, to realise you're in the final stretch and racing towards the finish line and you've got no brakes and your entire existence is going to end and everything will stop forever. nobody needs to hear your sardonic holier-than-thou bullshit, if they're struggling you can shut your mouth and leave 'em alone.

anyway, I have another post about this gross attitude you have:

this screen isn't the only person to leave something on the post about wii, one started off like "I do understand, but..." and gave whatever speech about how actually it's beautiful and good and exciting when time happens. for the record, what I said, what all these dudes are replying to when they reblog from me, was this

literally just left those tags on a post about time, right before I'd reblogged an original post of my own from earlier about how I'd stumbled upon a trigger, then I had kept reading or seeking out things that actively worsening the suicidal feelings I was having, following having had a particularly bad other thing triggered...

[note: the original triggering post mentioned wasn't the wii one]

that's why it bothers me so much that everybody is leaving this bollocks in my notifs. go back and read the tags at the start, you literally saw me say "I'm miserable" and went "well, that's just all because you decided to hate time you dumb bitch go suffer lol". whereas I "hate time" because I didn't have a fucking childhood, because of severe trauma and poverty and a load of awful shit, because I'm severely disabled, because I'm slowly dying and the years you have to grow comfy with being an adult don't exist for processing my grief and loss, I get to watch everything just sink between my fingers like sand, and realise I never had it anyway, before my heart, lungs, or brain finally fail and I die "young", but absolutely yeah that's not difficult at all nope I just hate time ig. actually fuck people like you, who think mean sarcasm to mock struggles people have is the way you target unhealthy attitudes, people who assume the motive and reasoning for everyone who experiences feelings, who blame them for their own trauma, etc

[cervidaedalus]

Back home. Went from the awful texting experience with the Lifeline, to having to contact my friend's mom, explaining why I was afraid of going to the ER, calling the Lifeline to talk to a real person, and then staying over her place and leaving my laptop at home. I feel a bit better, but this is also the first time it's ever been serious enough that I felt I needed to call the lifeline.

And I love (not) seeing people like, um, if he stays here that's making mods uncomfortable. Okay. You're uncomfortable, I almost had to be admitted to the hospital. I -think- there's a bit of a polarity here. The discomfort is about me: -trying to get people to take a case of abuse and stalking by another member of the mod team seriously instead of just constantly dismissing it as not an FC issue -Mentioning my PTSD """as an excuse""" (hi! hello! never say that to a mentally ill or disabled person, there is a difference between explanations and excuses, and I was clearly explaining) -getting upset that it devolved into people "coming out" about things like me "using Ventspace as a personal diary" (that's a horrendously gross take) or being aggressively opinionated which last happened in January and I'd been silently working on it ever since. -??? mentioning we figured out three folks who submitted anonymous feedback, despite the fact that one wasn't me, and I actually tried to shut it down, one was someone who'd just left sending feedback identical to my DMs with her, one was someone who explicitly directed us to their post and I didn't say who it was until that became relevant to address the issue. If there was anything else, I don't know it, but for the love of orb LEARN EMPATHY. If someone is already having a bad time you don't fucking pile on them with "oh by the way we have problems with you actually". Save it. For. A better. Time. That's exactly what made it "dogpiling". CLEARLY this person is already hurting and upset, so why in the FUCK would you choose to make them MORE upset. "It wasn't dogpiling we just have concerns". Sick dude, maybe save it? Because that's EXACTLY what made it dogpiling. Like uh duh it's going to make them more upset and make the whole process harder. All you're doing is antagonizing the person. Big "read the room" vibes. I've blocked two of em. One I feel would be able to come around if talked to. I'd like to know who else voted, some it's more of a "hey realize the nuances here and we can talk" and others it's definitely a "fuck off forever". I was trying to get in contact with people yesterday before all this went down to listen individually, but a couple people I couldn't and wasn't sure if I should try sending a friend request. Also love the line about "you have to make the hard decisions"... To whomever it may concern, I regret to inform you that THAT SHIP HAS FUCKIN' SAILED. Y'all gave me the worst pushback when I tried to come out about this asshole's obsessive smear campaign. You openly LET someone else aggressively antagonize me and curse me out because "let him speak" and then jumped on me for "abusing power" whenever I did anything the other Navs suggested/agreed to, basically "hey Sparrow I know you're hurting but by the way everything you do is malicious and WRONG." Okay, thanks. Also hey hello, I wasn't the one who brought the issue down to the third mod channel. <3 It was actually that jackass who you all openly let harass me. <3 Who also refused my requests to take it to DMs which I was doin (along with spoilers) to not drag more people into an obviously stressful situation. <3 But glad to know that he's allowed in the Discord because I guess his deliberately antagonistic, harassing behaviour was okay but my directly responding to distress by speaking out (and not even cursing anyone but my sole abuser out) was too annoying. An FC that harbors abusers and casts out abuse victims. I will likely see about starting up my own FC since I was a veteran and I hate to toot my own horn, but pillar of the largest FC on Coe until this happened- but I want to think it through and recover a bit more from this. Anyway yeah, I know why abuse and r*pe victims struggle to come out, because the moment people are faced with conflict and might have to critically examine and admit the fact that one of their friends fucked up hardcore, their brains turn into aquarium gravel.

[losergaymothman]

Steve + Eddie (mainly Steve) headcanons!!!

Eddie is the type of autistic to get really frustrated when overstimulated + to often snap at ppl. he feels guilty at about it afterwards.

Steve is the type of autistic to just get up + leave when overstimulated. He usually makes a decent enough excuse about needing to go to the bathroom or some shit and then bolts.

Steve has RSD + is v insecure about his place in the party + how his intelligence is precieved. When a party member makes an off-handed remark about him being dumb, it actually really, really affects him but he usually doesn’t say anything about it.

Eddie understands why steve asks so many questions + why he often needs clarification on simple things. Most of the party doesn’t understand this, however, and often makes fun of steve for it. Eddie is v different from the rest of the party and always answers Steve’s questions w/o mocking him. Eddie (excluding robin) is the only person that doesn’t make Steve feel like an idiot.

Steve is the type of person to have the self perception to KNOW he’s autistic and has adhd and is bisexual, but not actually know what it is. He just thinks it’s some quirky Steve-thing. “Yeah, I have a harder time being social with people and had really bad grades bc school didn’t make sense to me, but that’s because I’m stupid, isn’t it?” No, Steve, it isn’t because you’re stupid. “I thought we all thought about dating men?” No, steve, straight men don’t want to date men.

Steve’s parents never really gave enough shit about him to try to diagnose anything about him. They thought it was a waste of their time, so he never actually got any accommodations for his neurodivergencies/learning disabilities.

The collective of eddie, robin and Dustin give him actual names for his neurodivergencies + sexuality. It’s a big deal, obviously, but it wasn’t super hard for him to accept. I mean, he had already accepted it a long time ago. He just didn’t know what it was. This was the timeline: “straight men think about dudes romantically” -> “oh, they don’t? I guess I’m bisexual” -> “I’m gonna go ask out Eddie”. The time between those events were between a day or two, to a couple hours. You can decide.

Even though steve wasn’t super phased by himself being neurodivergent + queer, it took A LOT of effort to accept the fact that he was disabled. With all that head trauma? Some point in between Billy smashing his head in and the Russians, Steve ended up developing epilepsy + is hard of hearing in one ear.

Steve actually doesn’t realise he’s epileptic for a while. He knows something is wrong, bc sometimes he’s doing something and then everything turns off and then suddenly he’s back and time has passed, but he doesn’t actually know what happened. A common trope in Steve has epilepsy fics, is Steve having absent seizures where it looks very similar to someone being venca’d, and I really like that so!! It isn’t until not too long after the events of Vecna that he ends up seizing in front of one of the party members and they freak the fuck out bc “oh my fucking god, Steve’s being vecna’d! What the fuck do we do?”. Once they force him to go to the doctors, he’s diagnosed with epilepsy. The thing he struggles with most is the fact that he thinks that his epilepsy makes him weaker (as he bases his worth on how much he can provide for the party). Him being unable to drive for a while doesn’t make it any easier, as a big portion of what he does for the stranger things kids is drive them around places.

Eddie, Nancy and Jonathan start helping out with the driving, tho, and even robin starts learning how to drive (with the help of Steve). She swears up and down that it’s only for emergencies, and Steve takes her for her word. She was a nervous wreck during their lessons.

Not only was Steve hesitant to accept his disabilities, but it also took a long time for him to accept his transness. This can apply to any type of trans headcanons you have for him. Personally, I think he’d be a really cool enby/trans fem lad. Any trans masc headcanons are totally cool too!! I just think enby/trans fem works really well with his character, as a huge part of how Steve is characterized is through his privilege + him becoming a better person, so him knowing he was trans since a young age + still being cool + popular doesn’t make as much sense as it was THE EIGHTIES. If he was transfem or enby, though, he’d realize after his big chunk of character development through season 1-2 and start realizing + accepting it from season 3 onward (it’s a long process). Steve really struggles with internalised transphobia though. Like, accepting he was bi? Easy. Accepting he was trans? Nope, nu uh. Not gonna happen. He often tries to convince himself that he’s making it up (as all of us envies do). The party is really accepting and supportive tho!! They make the whole experience 10x easier and are constantly making Steve feel really seen and validated in the best ways ever, especially the younger kids. It has made Steve cry on many occasions. Many occasions. Steve has spent most of his life lonely and desperately wishing for someone to love him the way he wants them to, and so after all the shit he’s went through? All the failed relationships and desperation to feel a sliver of reciprocated unconditional love? These shit heads end up run into his life and filling all the empty cavities in his chest that he didn’t even know where empty and he just feels so warm and happy all the time. Like, sure he knew that the party appreciated his presence and that robin loved him (they were platonic soulmates with a capital P after all), it’s just that he kind of thought that after a bit—if he revealed too much of him and what makes steve, steve—they maybe kinda not wanna be around him anymore. I mean, it’s happened before so it wasn’t so presumptuous of him to think that the pattern would repeat itself, okay? But then it didn’t , and steve was vulnerable in front of the party—his family—in a way he’d never been before because he didn’t think he was allowed to be and then he came out as trans!! And they were so fucking supportive of him!! They hugged him and they thought it was cool and they immediately asked him questions about what would make him the most comfortable and he just!! Fucking!! Holy shit!! He’s been waiting his whole entire 20ish years of life to find people who would genuinely like him for him and who wouldn’t get mad if he wasn’t able to sit still all the time or if he would look into peoples eyes too much or if he had to get them to talk predominantly on one side of him or!! If he actually wasn’t totally, completely a boy!! And he just!! They love him. They love him. And it’s in a way that his parents or his old friends never have and never will bc fuck them! His friends love him and they don’t care that he’s trans. Of fucking course he is going to cry.

Though lots of people think that hopper would be Steve’s step-in father, I personally think that the two are more of a kinda awkward, we-know-eachother-because-of-the-upside-down, type relationship. They don’t really talk that often, but they do have this mutual respect for each other + defend each other when the time calls. Wayne Munson on the other? He’s so entirely not like Steve’s father but so like Steve’s father that Steve has this urge to act likes Steve’s actual father would expects him to act, but towards Wayne. For example, Wayne is someone who commands respect. Not in the way Steve’s father commands respect by often using harsh words and demeaning comments, but rather with a mutual agreement of “if u treat me nice, I treat u nice”. Steve can tell that Wayne and his fathers demeanours are different. He knows. He’s not as stupid as others think he is. It’s just that Wayne and his father are so similar, (plus, Wayne honestly kind of scares Steve a bit) that sometimes when Steve is talking to him, it’s second nature for Steve to automatically straighten his posture, confirm that he is making the right amount of eye contact that wouldn’t get him reprimanded and start to slip “sir”‘s and “mr”‘s into sentences. Wayne notices this (of course) and tries his best to make Steve as most comfortable with him and in is home as possible. He raised Eddie, for god’s sake, who also came from a bad home and is as autistic as can be. He is quite good at showing Steve that he can trust him.

[mallowstep]

5, 9 and 22?

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*

i try pretty hard to not let fandom get to me. i think fandom can make it harder for me to get into a ship sometimes. like if people wrote blossom/ivy differently i might get into it.

also everyone who insists leafpool and mothwing don't have an age gap makes me emphasize it more. every. single. time. someone argues with me about it? i add a sentence about their age difference.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

now HERE is a good question. no more "least favourite." most disliked. that's how u ask a good question! dislike is active. i can answer this one and have fun <3

i rly hate lionblaze bc i don't like how he's shaken out post-po3. even in oots i'm not a fan. i write him in ways i like sometimes. others i don't. also everyone forgets he trained in the dark forest & i think that's funny of him like duuuude :3

greystripe sucks and is a shitty father

i write onestar as an ass and onewhisker as a nice dude. that says enough i think XD

i think mapleshade's character is trite. i haven't read her book, but i'm not into it.

i dislike blossomfall. it's petty but idc i'm allowed to dislike characters for petty reasons.

canon tawnypelt sucks a lot more than fanon tawnypelt. canon tawnypelt has good moments, but also really bad ones? like i feel like. not enough people remember that she actively chose to go with tigerstar. like damn. while it's true that she was a child (abt 15), and not all of his crimes were known at the time, he was still pretty clearly a bad guy and she still chose that. so. like. damn girl.

i don't like crowfeather. also i hate. wait.

amended answer to question five: yeah fandom ruined crow/squirrel for me. i used to think it was a cute ship and now i am so fucking done! with people doing it but now crowfeather isn't the asshole he very much is. like crowfeather is a shitty guy, ok? he's allowed to be shitty he's like 20 in tnp (yes i said 20, he's not a kid in tnp. he's described to have almost be at his warrior assessment and with how long the quest takes, he's definitely an adult by that time. everyone who calls feather/crow gross for age reasons or says shit like "well if storm/squirrel is bad..." needs to shut up because squirrelpaw starts the journey at 12-15, crowpaw at like 18, and storm and feather are in their mid 20s. if i counted right, specifically, when the journey begins, squirrel is 15, crow is 18, and the other four are 25. everyone needs to stop because it's fucking annoying and no i'm not over that one guy who said feather/crow was pedophilia despite it not being pedophilia under any definition of pedophilia unless you want to start saying consenting adults being in a relationship is pedophilia in which case i need you to explain to me exactly how this isn't going to be used to restrict the rights of cognitively disabled people and if you didn't even think of that you really should because i promise when you start dictating what consenting adults are and aren't allowed to do under the crusade of protecting the innocent it's not going to work the way you think it is

uhm.

)

okay sorry that got under my skin whoops. this is why i'm not allowed to discourse on the internet ✌

where was i.

oh yeah i hate crow/squirrel now because people turn crow magically into some great guy despite the fact that in canon he treats everyone like shit and i think that's fine for a character but now i kinda hate the ship.

<3

[doberbutts]

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was beaten by his father so savagely that he went deaf, while his father’s girlfriend watched and did nothing?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was abandoned and locked inside an empty apartment until the 1950s equivalent of CPS was tipped off he was there and took him to save him from starvation, because dear old grandpa and his girlfriend at the time didn’t want a defective child once they figured out they’d permanently fucked him up?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he bounced from foster home to foster home until he was held down and raped by one of his foster brothers, tried to tell his foster mother, and she just called him a faggot and left it at that?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was finally reunited with his mother and had to scrape together a living by eating stale bread and running errands for what turned out to be local gangs, because she was too poor to feed another mouth?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he watched a black man shot by police bleed out in the street?

Where was my father’s male privilege when teachers who should have caught his deafness instead made him believe he was failing his classes because he was stupid because that’s just how black people are?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he got the tar kicked out of him by his white classmates who felt emboldened by their female teacher’s anti-black racism?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he brought the subject of racism up with the school board after a cross was lit on fire on his desk, and he was dismissed by both male and female staff?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he struggled to find a job after completing college, completing a master’s degree, which he paid for exclusively with scholarships earned from his competitive essay writing, because no one wanted to hire a disabled black man?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was accused of assault by a white female student who could not keep her story straight and eventually admitted she had made it up because she wanted to put her black principal back in his place?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was violently cuffed and illegally searched while I sat in the carseat and he was forced to comfort me through the window?

Where was my father’s male privilege when his wife, my mother, was immediately disowned by her entire family for associating herself with him? When she was forced to make a choice between a future with him, or her family? When he sees this echo with his children, and my sister’s children have still never met my brother-in-law’s family despite more than 10 years of marriage?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he came to pick us up from school and my school refused to let him in until the cops verified he was exactly who he said he was? Despite his name matching his ID, the lanyard he wore stating he was a principal at a nearby school, and the name on the school registry as being one of my parents? Despite me being called into the office to peek through the blinds at him and verifying that yes, this was my father?

Where was my father’s male privilege as neighbors who protested living near a black man repeatedly called the police on him as he pulled into the driveway of the house he’s lived in since I was born, let himself in with his own key, with ID to match the address and having known these neighbors by first name? To the point my white-passing mother had to diffuse the situation?

My father is straight and cis. My father is black and disabled. My father is a survivor. My father is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about him, but he is not trash. He has not skated through life as though it’s easy. His life was significantly harder than my mother’s, and her life wasn’t easy either. He has been hurt by men. He has been hurt by women. Some of the instances he has been hurt, my mother was directly sheltered from because she is a woman.

Her father was also an angry drunk, but deliberately did not take his anger out on his daughters, preferring to beat his son bloody instead. Mom has the trauma of watching her father beat the piss out of her brother and having to patch him back up after, but never of having been beaten herself.

Mom found herself in compromising and dangerous positions at times, but was protected from physical harm by her brother and the other men around her who saw it as their duty to protect the girls from that sort of thing. Literally the only good thing about rural purity culture.

Mom has a history of speaking out against racism and discrimination when she sees it, but has never needed to throw a punch in her life, because there was always a man around to protect her from the resulting fight. The men might not have agreed with her views on race but they were connected to her and thus duty/honor bound to protect her if someone tried to jump her because she wouldn’t let them beat up the black kid or told them to stop bothering the asian kid.

Mom never once had to stop and consider that it would be kinder to her partner to break things off.

Mom has never been falsely accused of assault because it’s just assumed that women don’t do that.

Mom has never been accused of trying to kidnap us because it’s believable that a white woman has mixed race kids that are darker than her but inconceivable that a black man has mixed race kids that are lighter than him.

Mom has never had the police called on her for entering her own house in their very white neighborhood.

Mom has only been pulled over once in her life, and the cop was far more interested in what my sisters and I were doing in her car than anything she might have potentially done.

My mother is straight and cis. She is also a white-passing POC and disabled. My mother is a survivor. My mother is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about her, but even she admits that her life was easier than my dad’s.

Cis, straight men suffer. White men suffer. My uncle is also a white-passing POC and a survivor. Do you know how much pent up anger he has? Still has, even though my grandfather changed and got better and apologized and owned up to his wrongs? Even though my grandfather’s been dead for years now? My uncle is sullen and prefers a bottle to take away his pain, pain he’s not been able to process, not been allowed to process, and he’s been that way since he was a child, which is not surprising considering what I’ve been directly told the beatings entailed... and things are always worse than what you’re told when it comes to that.

And all of that anger and resentment and rage and pain builds and builds until one of his sisters pokes him a little too hard about it and then he roars at them and storms off and he knows it’s wrong to take it out on them and he knows it’s not fair and that they only mean well but it hurts and he knows no other outlet besides lashing out because that was the only thing he was ever taught. Men get drunk and then get angry and then get violent. So he stops himself at yelling because he knows he can’t hit in anger, and he leaves and bangs doors behind him and stomps off until he calms down.

And you can say “dude needs therapy” and you know... you’re not wrong. But why would he ever seek it? When he sought help as a child he was told to be a man and suck it up and harden and grow some balls. His mother didn’t intervene to help him. You know, I know, he knows it’s because she was afraid her husband would turn on her. But it still hurts to know your own mother let your own father do that to you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. The most help he ever got was some first aid from his sisters when my grandfather decided he was done being angry. His teachers just knew him as an angry, sullen boy who frequently got into fistfights with other angry, sullen boys and chalked new bruises up to that. 

If you grow up like this, betrayed by everyone who is supposed to help you, then why would you ever consider seeking outside help as an adult?

And if your reaction is- see? He is a violent man! He is part of the problem! He could seek help and won’t because he is a stubborn man that wants to make his problems into women’s problems by relying on his sisters!

Then you fail to understand that my uncle is the way he is because of unprocessed, repeated trauma and betrayal that he was actively discouraged from seeking help to free himself of the cycle and start to heal. And his sisters were the only people in his life that did not harm him in that way, so at this point his sisters and his wife are the only people he trusts when triggers get poked and the pot boils over.

He does need therapy. He’s not likely to ever seek it out. And it’s because he was born a boy that this happened to him, and it’s because he was born a boy that no one was willing to help when he needed it most.

These men are not part of the queer community. They still were made vulnerable, and needed help, and did not get any, because of that same logic that drives these feelings about men not needing to be helped or included or assisted today. It’s not progressive just because the logic is coming from the queer community this time instead of conservative christians.

[davidmann95]

How about those JL storyboards?

In case you haven’t heard, Zack Snyder is putting on display the ‘storyboards’ - i.e. a rough plot summary accompanied by some Jim Lee sketches - for what would have been Justice League 2 and 3, or as this puts it 2 and ‘2A’. You can see them here (I imagine better-quality versions will soon be released), and read a transcript here. This is evidently a very early version: this was apparently pitched prior to the release of BvS and Justice League being rewritten in the wake of it, with numerous plot details that now don’t line up with what we know about the Snyder Cut, plus it outright mentions it builds on the originally planned versions of the Batman and Flash movies. But it’s a broad outline of what was gonna go down, and while I initially thought it was Snyder throwing in the towel, the timing - paired with the ambiguity left by the necessity for changes, including that this doesn’t factor whatever that “massive cliffhanger” at the end of the Cut is - says to me he’s hoping this’ll be a force multiplier behind efforts to will sequel/s into existence. He’s probably right.

I’ll be discussing spoilers below, but in short: with this Zack Snyder has finally lived up to Alan Moore, in that like Twilight of the Superheroes I wouldn’t believe this was real as opposed to a shockingly on-point parody if not for direct, irrefutable evidence.

Doing some rapid-fire bullet points for this baby to kick us off:

* Folks who know the subject say a lot of this is a yet further continuation of Snyder doing Arthuriana fanfic with the League reskinned over those major players, and I’ll take their word for it.

* I don’t know whether I love or hate that in Justice League 2 the Justice League are only an extant thing for the first scene, and then it’s Snyder giving everybody their own mini-movies. It’s compressing the entire MCU “loosely interconnected solo stories leading to a single big movie later” strategy into a single movie!

*  Funniest line in the whole thing: "Even Lantern has heard of the Kryptonian, worried that he's under the control of Darkseid. He heard his spirit was unbreakable." Hal what fuckin' Superman movie did YOU watch? Second funniest being “IT WILL GIVE HIM POWER OVER ALL LIVING LIFE”

* 90% of the plot I have nothing to say about, it’s generic stage-setting crap. That to be clear is the ‘shocked it’s Snyder’ element, it feels so crassly commercial in a way I can’t believe is coming from the BvS guy.

* Most of what I have to say is unsurprisingly gonna be about a handful of characters but Cyborg’s happy ending being “he isn’t visibly disabled anymore!” is not great!

* The Goddess of War battle with Superman...never pays off? No clue why it’s there.

* What I’d originally heard was that the Codex in Superman’s blood was the last key to the Anti-Life Equation and that’s why Darkseid was coming to Earth. It’s not like all of this wouldn’t have already been averted by Kal-El’s pod smacking into an asteroid on the way to Earth so it’s not as if this makes it any more Superman’s fault, and it would have at least tied all this back to the beginning of the movies, but I suppose that was either fake or from a later draft.

* I have NO idea how this was reimagined without the ‘love triangle’, it’s the central character thing and the entire climax flows directly out of it!

* Darkseid’s kinda a chump in this, huh

Anonymous said: So: Does Zack Snyder hate Superman?

Look: the hilarity of this when Cuck Kent has been a go-to Snyder cult insult towards ‘inferior’ takes on Superman for years cannot be understated, yet at the same time I can almost wrap my brain around where Snyder’s coming from with that as the end for his take on the character. He talked in that Variety piece on how his interest in Superman is informed by having adopted children himself, and Deborah Snyder is the stepmother to his kids by previous relationships, so I can see where he’d be coming from, and I can even imagine how he’d see this as ‘rhyming’ in the sense of “the series begins with Kal-El being adopted by Earth, it ends with him adopting a child of Earth!” In the same way as MARTHA, I can envision how he would put these pieces together in his head thematically without registering or caring what the end result would actually look like. In this case, Superman raising the kid of the man who beat the shit out of him who Batman had with Clark’s wife, who earlier told Bruce she was staying with Clark because he ‘needed her’, suggesting if inadvertently that this really honest to god was a “she’s only staying with Superman out of pity, she really loved Batman more” thing.

But Clark is nothing in this. He’s sad and existential because of coming back from the dead I guess, then he’s corrupted, then time’s undone and he woo-rah rallies the collective armies of the world (interesting angle for the ‘anti-military/anti-establishment’ Superman he’s talked up as) as his big heroic moment in the finale, and then he stops being sad because he’s adopting a kid. So his big much-ballyhooed, extremely necessary five-movie character arc towards truly becoming Superman was:

Sad weird kid -> sad weird kid learns he’s an alien, is still weird and sad, maybe he shouldn’t save people because things could go really wrong? -> his dad is so convinced it could go wrong he lets himself die -> ????? -> Clark is saving people anyway -> learns his origin, gets an inspiring speech about being a bridge between worlds and a costume -> becomes superman (not Superman, that’s later) to save the world, albeit a very property-damagey version, rejects his heritage he just learned about and space dad’s bridge idea -> folks hate him being superman and that sucks though at least he’s got a girlfriend now -> things go so wrong he considers not being superman but his ghost dad reminds him shit always goes wrong so he should be good anyway, which sorta feels like it contradicts his previous advice -> immediate renewed goodness is out the window as he’s blackmailed into having to try and kill a dude but the dude happens to coincidentally have some things in common so they don’t kill each other after all -> big monster now but superman keeps supermaning at it because he loves his girlfriend and he dies -> he’s brought back, wears black which apparently means now he likes Krypton again? -> he has work friends now but he’s still sad because he was dead -> evil now! -> wait nevermind time travel -> rallies the troops -> his wife’s having a kid so he’s not sad anymore -> Superman! Who gives way to more Batman.

Do I think Zack Snyder is lying when he says he likes Superman? No. I think he sincerely finds much of the basic conceits and imagery engaging. But I don’t think he meaningfully gives shit about Clark as a character, just a vessel for Big Iconic Beats he wants to hit. Whereas while for instance he’s critical of Batman as an idea (at least up to a point), he’s much more passionately, directly enamored with him as a presence and personality. So while Superman may be the character whose ostensible myth cycle or arc or however it’s spun might be propelling a lot of events here, it’s a distant appreciation - of course the other guy takes over and subsumes him into his own narrative. Of course Batman is the savior, the past and the future (though if he’s supposed to be Batman’s kid raised by Superman there’s no excuse for him not to be Nightwing), the tragic martyr to our potential. Admittedly the implication here is also that Batman can apparently only REALLY with his whole heart be willing to sacrifice his life to save an innocent, for that matter apparently his great love, once said innocent is a receptacle for his Bat-brood, but he and Clark are both already irredeemable pieces of shit by the end of BvS so it’s not like this even registers by comparison.

Anonymous said: That “plan” Snyder had was utter dogshit. Picture proof that DC & WB hate Superman. Also I love how you’re like Jor-El: Every single idealistic take you had about Snyder, his fandom, and BvS was wrong. Snyder’s an edgy hack, his fanbase just wants to jerk off to their edgy self-insert Batgod as he screams FUCK while mowing people down with machine guns, and the idea that BvS said Superman was better than Bats was completely wrong. You know what comes next SuperMann: Either you die or I do.

In the final analysis, beyond that mother of god is there sure no conceivable excuse for the treatment of Lois in this? The temptation is to join that anon and say as I originally tweeted that these were “built entirely to disabuse every single redemptive reading of the previous work and any notion of these movies as nuanced, artistic, self-reflective, or meaningful”.

...

...

...yeah, okay, that’s mostly right. Zack Snyder’s vision really was the vision of an edgelord idiot with bad ideas who was never going to build up to anything that would reframe it all as a sensible whole. He’s a sincere edgelord genuinely trying really hard with his bad ideas who put some of them together quite cleverly! But they’re fucking bad and the endgame was never anything more than ramping up into smashing the action figures together as big as he could, the political overtones and moral sketchiness of BvS while trying to say something in that movie reverberated through the grand scheme of his pentalogy in no way beyond giving his boys a big sad pit to rise out of so when they kicked ass later it’d rule harder, and all the gods among men questions and horror and trappings were only that: trappings. Apparently he’s really pleasant and well-meaning in person, but at his core his art as embodied in a couple weeks in his 4-hour R-rated Justice League movie meant to be seen in black-and-white all comes down to that time he yelled at someone on Twitter that he couldn’t appreciate Snyder’s work because it’s for grown-ups. He made half-clever, occasionally exciting shit cape movies for a bunch of corny pseudo-intellectual douchebags, folks latching onto and justifying blockbusters that at least acknowledge how horrifying the world is right now even if the superheroes are basically useless in the face of it if not outright part of the problem until a convenient alien invasion shows up to justify them, and a handful of non-asshole smart people who vibe with it but...well. ‘Suckered’ is a harsh word, and definitely doesn’t apply to all of them re: what they’ve gotten out of it up to this point and would (somehow) get out of this. But it doesn’t apply to none of them, either.

[abitscrewyvinn]

Welcome to Screwy Talks About DID For The Thousandth Time! Today’s episode is: How We Started.

The first Weirdness I noticed was ‘voices’.For a long time I thought I had schizophrenia because that was one of the Two Mental Illnesses I Knew Existed (Thanks, media) and it was always portrayed as scary. I was terrified that that would make me Bad. I tried to ignore it and just say it was Haha Funny Quirky Writer Shit. The voices were never quite clear audio hallucinations, but I knew they weren’t me.

I went on for a while like that just pretending it wasn’t a thing. Pretty sure that if it was a writing thing, they’d stop if I stopped writing. (Spoiler alert, they didn’t stop and still have trouble shutting the hell up actually)

My ex started my journey and I appreciate the eye-opening, but my dude’s amount of research was pretty much Nothing and he ended up just stressing us out further etc etc ended up with a lot of new splits to try and cope (several of which I’m pretty sure appeared to try and get me out of the relationship but only JD succeeded with the help of our now-wife) So my research started a little late. I knew I had DID (we called it multiplicity at the time, because he didn’t know there was a psychiatric term for it and I relied on him for most information whoops) but I didn’t know shit about it. I went with what he told me. So, back then, I felt very fake for some reason.

Then JD popped up and he and our wife were like Actually This Is Shit. After that it was free game as far as research goes. I went everywhere online, so many articles and scientific texts (I woke up at 7 am today please excuse my shitty wording. There’s a word I’m looking for and I can’t brain). I read anything I could find.

Fun fact actually. Fenris originally went dormant because he was one of the ones who knew from the start that our ex was Not Good. He tried to tell us not to pursue him, and we ignored him, so he went Fuck It I’m Out. He came back around 2020 and went “I fucking told you so- wait wHY IS THERE A PLAGUE—” and he’s been more active.

I’d had therapists before, and tried to explain it once. But at first, all the info I had was from my ex. I got another therapist in early 2020 when that shit was free bc Covid, and talked to her about it. The cool thing was I got SUPER LUCKY because her mentor has DID. So she knew everything to ask, gave me a test sheet thingy, and I went through it. I tried EMDR and that Didn’t Go Well I just ended up kind of dissociating harder ^^” It’s not for everyone. 

So, there are still times when I feel like it’s all fake despite being later diagnosed by a psychiatrist and being validated by a therapist who was mentored by a system. I think we may also be on the autism spectrum but uh that’s a harder one to diagnose for fem-assigned folks and I have really bad insurance at the moment sooo rip me for now.

It’s taken me A While, basically. It’s very tiring, and it’s not fun, but there are ways to cope. I also think it’s important to note that it can be hilarious, and there are some interesting things a system can do. On occasion me and a couple of my partners will take party games like Truth or Dare or Would you Rather, gather a couple alters to play, and alternate between alters (hah wording). So while mental illness isn’t fun and quirky, it’s still possible to HAVE fun.

To quote a comedian I like: Disability can be hilarious. You just have to be on the right side of the laughter.

As another side note: If you’re not a doctor specifically treating someone, don’t fucking accuse people of faking. You don’t know them. You’re not entitled to their trauma. Even if they don’t have DID, they’re probably still working something out, which just makes you a dick and causes problems for them and their view on reality/themselves.

Anyway I’m going to go either fall asleep or play The Witcher.

[pendraegon]

hi ellian, I recently started trying to get into arthurian legend a bit and like, i'm working my way through some of chretien de troyes but sometimes I just want something a bit more modern and easy (I've read cliges and erec and enide.. oh my GOD erec is a dick), and if you feel like getting into it at all, why do you hate t.h. white / the once and future king ? whenever I look for recommendations its the first anyone recommends ! i'm so unsure whether to read it ?

hi!!! okay okay okay i legit got SO excited reading this because arthuriana ask<33 but also holy shit dude WHAT?? YOU READ..CLIGES AND EREC AND ENIDE FIRST?????????? cliges and erec and enide like oaisklfdjosadjfas they suck so much oh my god (anyways yeah welcome to the “we all hate erec” club on tumblr dot com, i think almost everyone who has read that text hates him with a passion) but holy shit if i started out with cliges and erec and enide i would never ever read arthuriana again. for chretien de troyes the only two things that are worth reading are yvain: knight of the lion and lancelot: knight of the cart. lancelot is significantly harder/more difficult than say yvain but also because de troyes fucking HATED lancelot and you can TELL through the text.

oh man..toafk...okay christ so we actually got into...a little bit of discourse, or as much discourse as you can GET in the arthuriana circles on tumblr, over this. i am hesitant TO call it discourse because i don’t believe it is at all but rather that me and a few friends were informing people just of...well..... it was a matter of a fact of the arthurian circle here on tumblr skews VERY white and toafk has a lot of racist/homophobic/misogynistic/ableist content in it that is either actively or unconsciously skimmed over and instead is just blatantly praised without ever getting into the nuance of discussing the fact that toafk by all means is NOT the end-all-be-all arthurian text. (personally it REALLY grinds my gears when people use toafk to cite their sources but that’s another matter aoisdjfoas)

th white is...well, th white himself and his works are incredibly racist in that there are SO many racial slurs used to the point that i remember being distinctly uncomfortable reading it, th white’s portrayal of palamedes (a muslim knight who is often portrayed as a “conversion fantasy”) is deeply upsetting, and the fact that th white uses a specific dialect FOR certain characters as well that gets even more skin crawling due to it. i cannot find the post for it but if i do i’ll update it but there are these “notes” of th white’s for toafk in which he says that lancelot (who toafk portrays as a gay man but lancelot, despite being one of the greatest and handsomest knights in legends, is portrayed as grotesque and ugly....the classical western thought of beauty = good, but also equating homosexuality to ugliness is. uh...not great) preys on younger men/squires (such as gareth, gawain’s brother). there is a lot of linking between homosexuality and pedophilia in toafk and the fact that toafk is LAUDED for this portrayal of lancelot makes me genuinely ill. similarly, mordred is shown to be the only disabled character but he’s villanized to the point of it being sickening. his portrayal of women especially in regards to guinevere is strife with misogyny (there’s this one specific part about how gaudy guinevere looks now that she’s old and applying makeup) and in regards to elaine of corbenic it’s uh. somehow he made elaine of corbenic WORSE than she is already.

that being said, toafk was published in 1958 and by all means i firmly believe that [1] no books SHOULD be banned ever but [2] that being said you MUST be aware of the author’s biases that seep into the text because of COURSE that happens. and [3] as long as you are AWARE of said biases (and th white has many and once you’re AWARE as well of th white’s family’s history in india you can’t unsee it in his work) and you KNOW what it is you’re imbibing, then by all means, use critical thinking skills -- there is still something to be taken from BY toafk and by what it is th white wrote but do not praise it as “the best” arthurian modern novel when it falls flat on so many levels. i feel similarly about mists of avalon which is another highly praised modern arthurian book especially in its portrayal of female characters, but lots of people simply do not want to talk about or KNOW that the author herself is a rapist and a pedophile. i’ve read both of these books and like, i wouldn’t recommend them at all because personally i also think that the writing sucks, but IF you read either of these works, it’s good to be aware exactly what it is you’re getting into. especially since arthurian circles, which again are predominantly white, often tend to keep these things very hush-hush or get VERY antsy if you speak out badly about toafk/mists of avalon.

arthuriana HAS and IS used as a dogwhistle online and in alt-right spaces. arthuriana HAS been used historically to promote islamophobic and antisemitic sentiment. arthuriana HAS been used to villainize people who don’t fit a particular “mold” of “normality”. arthuriana HAS been propaganda itself -- but that doesn’t make arthuriana bad or evil. arthuriana is a LIVING tradition, an evolving body of work -- for me, as someone who adores the medieval lit side of arthuriana, it’s extremely troubling to see just how the works from the 1900s and onwards has, instead of uplifting the genre as a whole to become more inclusive, has only become more entrenched in racist and misogynistic and homophobic thought. arthuriana deserves better, we deserve better, and arthuriana CAN be better.

here is a link to a discussion post that goes deeper into it!

[alfredosauce50]

What makes me human [Cyberpunk! America x reader] 11

Wordcount: 5,150 Rating: M for strong language, ideologically sensitive and mature themes, gore “In a society that normalizes cybernetic enhancements, many forget what it is to be human. He never did.” Chapter synopsis: Allen and Arthur race to find you both, but it proves to be harder without knowing your whereabouts. Meanwhile, you've successfully helped Alfred find the chip. Before leaving, you have a long-awaited conversation with your father to realize he's more insane than you thought. The reader is referred to as she/her.

Songs to listen to while you read (in order as found in playlist): Cyberninja,  Trouble finds trouble, Tower Lockdown, Me!Me!Me!, Pt. 2, Him & I (with Halsey), Atlantis. I have indented song titles throughout the chapter so you can change accordingly. Starting now:

Cyberninja

Before Arthur could even buckle himself in, Allen rammed his foot into the gas pedal. He was thrown back in a violent manner, and hit his head against the headrest. But the mechanic never complained. He looked stressed enough as is, continually scanning the road while murmuring to himself as if he’d really gone mad. “Hell, that motherfucker could be anywhere in the whole fucking city right now.” He hissed, pulling out of the driveway and into the main road.

“We can’t call him. Track him. Nothing. Same goes for (F/N). They’re off the map.” Turning to his companion numerous times in distress, he sped through the streets, though he had no particular destination in mind.

The indicator clicked. Allen cursed at the car in front of them, but never made a move to overtake. As Arthur became overwhelmed by these stimulants, he opened his mouth, defeated. “If you’re in such a hurry, why--why bother following traffic rules? You never have before, so why now?” He asked with a shake of the head, earning a loud scoff from the other.

The car windows glowed with a flurry of pinks and purples as they moved closer to the commercial district. They were near their first stop.

“Trust me, I wouldn’t give a damn if I didn’t have to.” The whites of his eyes reflected a mosaic of color as he never looked away from the road. “But that was when I was working for my boss. I had protection. I could do a hit and run if I wanted, and without the running part.” The redhead breathed. Then, he stuck his head out of the window with a huff. Immediately, he was choked by the city smog, and deafened by the blaring of car horns.

“Friggen’ prick...” He flipped off the driver in front of him. Sitting back into his seat, he flashed Arthur a grin, though the man couldn’t return the energy.

“Did you get fired? Or did you quit?” This wasn’t the best time to ask about the past, but he had been dying to know why he wound up half-dead on his doorstep. So what better a time to do it than now?

“I quit.” Allen answered point-blank. “Old man didn’t take it well. Decided to kill me. Didn’t.” Slowing the vehicle, they arrived at a parking-lot surrounded by backdoors of multiple piss-poor establishments. One of which was illuminated by a flickering red neon sign that read ‘no-tell motel’.

“He thinks I’m dead, so the rest of the city has to think that too.”

Arthur gawked at him. “That makes you no better than a fugitive! And it’s not just anybody after you--Allen, he’ll kill you when he finds out you’re still alive!”

“And that’s why he won’t find out.” Tapping the side of his neck for a flap to open, the said man slotted a small disk inside. “Disables cybernetic upgrades in a twenty foot radius. Means I can’t use mine, but it stops other people from figuring out who I am.” He dug through one of the compartments for a muffler, which he wrapped around the bottom half of his face.

What he did next was alarming, however. Sticking his hand further in, he pulled out a gun and cocked it.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing--!?” Arthur exclaimed, fumbling with a face mask Allen tossed his way. He didn’t see a silencer anywhere either. “If I can call the police without any upgrades, so can everyone else!”

His statement couldn’t ring any truer, and yet, it never slowed down the other’s movements as he climbed out of the car. Unsatisfied by his silence, he wound up getting out to follow him. “Oi, say something! At least let me know you’re not gonna shoot up a restaurant!” Whispering that part out, he had to speed up a few steps to catch up with the man, now marching to the backdoor of a motel.

“Put the mask on.” Allen murmured without sparing him a single glance. But he paused briefly to process what he said. “... A motel, you mean. But I’m hoping we won’t have to resort to that.”

Arthur’s eyes went round. “You were considering--”

He could share the desperation to save Alfred’s life, but he had a hard time following how. Shooting up a motel? What was he thinking?

“Yes.” Attaching his hand to the door, it creaked open. Before Allen took another step, he faced him with a serious glower. “Now when we get inside, I want you to walk up to the receptionist. He’s programmed to greet you. Ask him for a room, and while you do, I’ll approach him from behind and deactivate him. Kapeesh?”

But then again, he was in the dark here. Arthur hadn’t the slightest clue on what Alfred’s circumstances were, as mysterious as the man was, so he had no idea how he was on the verge of dying.

So naturally, he wouldn’t know how to save him either.

But he trusted Allen to know what to do.

“... Alright. You better not make me regret this, you tyke.” 

“You can call me anything you want, just not that. I’m not a kid anymore.” Those words would become apparent as they walked inside, where their plan went by without a hitch. They heard the automated voice of superficial kindness, which stopped abruptly to the sound of an android powering off. Its body fell to the ground to reveal Allen standing behind. Without wasting a second, he leaned over and typed furiously on the keyboard of the computer.

Trouble finds trouble

“Lemme see if this has a log of everybody who came by...” A few moments later, he started nodding at what he saw. “Bingo...” On their private encrypted server, stored the history of all the guests who booked a night. “Well, what do you know... Alfred checked out two days ago. But he’s on the move.” Pulling away to stand up straight, he jogged over to the exit.

“Even if someone tried to look for him in one a’ these places, he’d have to get behind the reception and do exactly what I did.” This someone referred to Matsumoto, but death already followed Alfred wherever he went. Not that Alfred knew that. “The perks of a no-tell motel. Even if they reek of piss, so long as there’s crime, they’ll never go out of business.” He beckoned Arthur to follow him with a tilt of the head. 

“One down, twenty-seven more to go. And that’s only in the direction he’s going... And under the assumption he’s only staying at these motels. So, uh, let’s hope he didn’t try to be too unpredictable.” 

The Brit huffed. This wasn’t going to be easy. 

“I think he’d be predictable to do that if you asked me.” He murmured. “But you call the shots. I’ll just be... Moral support.” 

Allen already disappeared out the door, but his head poked into the doorframe at that. “Nah. You have the most important job outta’ the both of us.” 

That was right. He didn’t tell him yet. He really should’ve a while ago, but he got caught up in the chase. 

“Whether you remove a chip from his head or not will determine if he lives or not.” 

Arthur paled. 

“He’s the guy my boss wanted me to kill. Remember the dude I told you about? The one who tried to steal a prototype chip three years ago?” Now that he mentioned it, he recalled the conversation a few weeks ago. But wait a minute. 

The mechanic felt his face scrunch up as he was hit with a major epiphany. That was Alfred? The terrorist Allen had been updating him about? He was the man who tore up three floors of the headquarters of Matsumoto Optics, and simultaneously, the same customer he had been serving for the last few years.

Before he could even process his shock, he was presented with even more appalling information. 

“He stole it this time. That’s what he and (F/N) disappeared to do. But now that it’s in his head, it’ll overwrite his consciousness until he’s a fucking vegetable.” 

Arthur was horrified. “Then why would he even--” 

“Because he doesn’t know.” Allen cut in with a grim expression. “He thought the chip was supposed to give him immortality, so he wanted to keep it from falling into the wrong hands. Like my boss. But no. It’s the opposite. It was all a ploy to kill him.” At this point, the blonde was at loss for words. As a doctor and mechanic, he was quite frankly terrified of how devilishly clever Matsumoto was. But he couldn’t expect any less from him, could he?

They made it back to the car, and he could only stare aimlessly out the windshield, paralyzed. 

“That’s why we need you.” He heard him say. Turning to the man, albeit slowly, he felt a hand slap down on his shoulder. Allen gave him a lopsided grin. “You’re the smartest guy I know, second to my boss. You were always great at fixing stuff. Cars, enhancements, people--so what’s a mixture of all three?”

Arthur dug a hand through his hair stressfully. “... You’re kidding.” And yet, he already knew he was on board. “... Are you calling him a car?” 

The other flattened his lips. “... He technically could be.” 

“Just to be clear, I fucking hate you.” 

Allen laughed. “Sure.”

“But otherwise, we’re wasting time.” He couldn’t believe the words falling from his lips. This was really happening, wasn’t it? After taking him in as an apprentice for his auto shop, the roles were finally reversed. He no longer took charge as the teacher. Or rather, he became the student caught up in the most difficult assignment yet. Having a taste of Allen’s work. 

“That’s what I’m talking about!” 

***

Tower Lockdown

You had all the reasons in the world to be anxious coming home. 

On top of worrying over Alfred, who had hundreds of trained assassins coming at him all at once, during every minute of the heist, you had to face an aspect of reality you avoided until now. You were in the building, and he had already stolen the chip. It was slotted comfortably in his head, ready to leave the premises.

 How come your father never appeared? Was he really just going to let you go just like that?

But the real question was this--should you stay or leave? 

Yes, you hardly approved of anything he’d done. Done to the world like Alfred always mentioned, and to Alfred himself. But you weren’t prepared to abandon him yet. He was still your father, and the only family you had. If you had to make a decision, you needed some closure. If not, a discussion. 

And you expected him to give it to you as the least he could do. 

As Alfred stood among a pile of dead bodies bathing in red, his mantis blades trembled against a katana blade. Even with his hands full, he made the time to check on you. “(F/N)! Stay away from walls! Just hang on for a second longer!” He shouted, turning to you briefly before diverting his attention back to his opponent. “We’re nearly home free!” 

Pulling away to give him a swift jab in the chest, blood sprayed onto his face, but he wasn’t fazed.

What did, however, was the sight of you being thrown over the shoulder of one of the bodyguards. Color drained from his face and he burst into a sprint. 

“(F/N)! No!” Watching you disappear into an elevator, he slammed right into the closing metal doors. “Fuck!” He slammed his fist against them to hear a loud bang. Before he could linger too long, he hastily made his way to a door adjacent. The emergency stairs would take a hell lot longer, but as if he’d wait for the elevator to come back down. 

Even if he needed to climb up a hundred flights to get to you, he would--all the way to the penthouse where Matsumoto was. 

When those men approached you, there was no struggle on your end. You knew where they were going to take you. And you wanted them to. It could even be said you were relieved, because that meant your father was thinking of you. After a minute or so, the soft whirring fell silent, followed by a soft ‘ding’. 

They moved outside the elevator, and after a few steps, they set you down on your feet. Right in the middle of your father’s office. At the very end behind a desk sat the man himself, and he was eyeing you with an unreadable expression. Upon returning his stare, came an onslaught of emotions. But the most prominent was incapacitating anxiety.

Even as his daughter, you could never see through him. He was impossible to read. So you had no idea what to expect. 

“Dad... We need to talk.” You began, walking up to him warily. This was what you wished for at the start, cried for, even. To return home. And yet, the nervous pounding in your chest seemed to worsen with every step you took. It was jarring to confront how much had changed since then. So while you barely managed any words, you were already overwhelmed, struggling to choke back tears. 

“For once, I need to know what you’re thinking.” 

He inhaled deeply before responding. “I was under the same impression that we’d have this conversation.” Standing up from his chair, he furrowed his brows at the sight of you clenching the fabric of your pants. “Don’t look so nervous, child. You haven’t done anything to anger or disappoint me.” Reaching out to your head, he settled a hand on it. 

“... Really?” You whispered out. Hearing his assurances calmed you down a touch. But when you saw the forlorn gaze he cast down at you, your heart was crushed. “... Dad?”

Me!Me!Me!, Pt.2

Any existing contempt for him melted away just like that, but you weren’t upset at yourself for it. Your father hardly expressed any emotion besides calm indifference. And when he did, it always felt like the world was ending. 

“I’m the one who deserves your anger.” He clarified, lowering his hands to your shoulders. “I’ve left you by yourself for far too long, (F/N). I hope you don’t hold it against me that you had to come home yourself.” You hung your head, unable to meet his saddened gray eyes. If you were to hold a grudge at him for it, you’d start by avoiding his gaze. “And I understand why you would’ve wanted to help him. He has a way with words, and a naïve sense of justice. But it’s a warped perception of reality.”  

You’d hate to admit it, but no matter how cruel he seemed to be, there was a method to his madness. 

And you were perhaps the only person in the world to know it. 

That was why you were so torn. Torn between hating him and understanding him. After all, you couldn’t have both. “You can’t blame him after what you did to him.” Glancing up at that, you felt bile rise in your throat. Then, your vision blurred. “I don’t know what you’re aiming for--for this company, and this world. But you can’t expect him to accept this world you created when you stole him from his. He had a life!” 

Staring at him through hot tears, he breathed out a soft sigh before rubbing them away with a swipe of the thumb. “I’m not asking for your forgiveness. And I won’t expect you to forgive me even after telling you the reasons for my actions.”  

He pulled away from you to begin walking back to his desk, but not to sit down. Instead, he stood by the window to watch the blinking lights of skyscrapers and small moving dots of cars on the streets. “In a society that normalizes cybernetic enhancements, many forget what it is to be human. He never did. So of course, he would reject the idea of immortality. The destruction of the most human quality there is.” 

He paused briefly to scan the landscape.

“Mortality. One’s inevitable end gives everything they do meaning.” 

Wrinkles creased between your brows. It was confusing to hear him speak so highly of death, frustrating, even. Wasn’t he the one investing billions into correcting it like a flaw? “If that’s what you really think, then why? Why would you make something that would take that all away?” 

He held his hands behind his back. “To serve the greater good. A sacrifice, if you will.” The man turned to you, this time with a serious glower. “Alfred thinks I would commercialize it. Sell it to the public. But he’s wrong. Immortality will only be available to the leaders of the world.”

By leaders, you could only assume he meant people like him. Not politicians, but business men and women. Company owners. The most powerful forces of the present. “The inability to die is a curse. You never move on because you’re still breathing. But that may be just what the world needs. Stagnation. An absence of change.” 

It was daunting to know this man was your father. You couldn’t say you were born with half as many of these attributes he had. Intelligence was easily passed down, but there was something else written in his genes you could never dream of having. “With every passing year, decade, and century, humanity frays like a rope. Society continues to deteriorate... All until self-destruction becomes a matter of time.” Facing the window again, he scanned the impressive architecture he was proud to call his own. And it looked as pristine as it did yesterday. 

“The only way to stop this was to take control of it myself. And that’s how I came to found this company. I’ve found a way to govern the people. To invest in science as the world’s last and only hope. But it’s a job that will last eons, so I was prepared to do it until the end of time.” 

He was right in saying that society was inevitably doomed with the direction it was heading. That technology was the only solution, along with a world government. Matsumoto Optics. A cosmocracy with jurisdiction over the whole planet. There would be no wars. No conflict. And with only one state to call the shots, things could be done so much faster on a global scale. 

It was a radical concept to grasp, but you couldn’t say there was no logic to it. “Alfred was meant to do it with me. To reincarnate again and again as my closest aide on my quest to preserve the world. But he ended up being the opposite. My foil.” Matsumoto shook his head. “Alfred is a nostalgic soul. He’s too attached to the past. But the way of the old can never last with how fast it makes the world burn. Even if he realized that, he would want to exact revenge on me after what I’ve done to him.” 

“So before he destroys everything I’ve created, I have to destroy him first.” 

Him & I (with Halsey)

You tensed up all over, but before you could ask him what he meant by destroy, the doors burst open. The very subject of the conversation had appeared, and just in time for the conclusion of it. His arrival caught you completely off guard, successfully derailing your train of thought, but your father merely acknowledged his arrival. “Ah. Speak of the devil.” 

“Speak for yourself, you fucking demon.” He spat, marching over to your side to pull you into his chest. Immediately putting his hands all over your face, he was riddled with concern as he inspected you. “You okay? I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you in time. What are you still doing here? C’mon, let’s go.” While he reached down to your hand to lead you away, you stayed put. 

As relieved as you were to see him here, you couldn’t follow him out yet. You gave his hand a squeeze, then a soft smile of reassurance. Then, you turned to your father. 

This time, you held him in a firm stare. 

“Even if everyone thinks you’re crazy, I always knew you’d have some kind of justification for everything.” You started. Little did you know, you would take back this statement in the very near future. “But I can’t forgive you for what you did to Alfred. He never ended up doing anything you wanted him to, so giving him all those adjustments was pointless for you. But not for him. If you wanted to get rid of him, it wouldn't be easy.”

Matsumoto closed his eyes as if to agree. That was what you interpreted it as, at least. But unbeknownst to you, he was doing anything but. “I wouldn’t know what’s best for this world.” 

“But what I do know is that I won’t let you hurt him.” 

You spoke those words with a conviction so strong, Alfred’s eyes widened when he heard it. It wasn’t news you cared deeply for him, but to hear you say it to your father like that, and Matsumoto, no less, it made his mechanical heart pound more than he could fathom. You were actively disobeying him, a man you previously revolved your life around, for his sake. To say he was infatuated would be an understatement. 

You felt his grip on you tighten. 

“Say what you will, and I’ll respect your conviction. But I will come for him.” The bearded man murmured in a foreboding tone. A sinister light glinted in his dark gray irises. “And in the most unexpected way he could ever imagine. You will never want to see me again when that happens.” 

“If.” Your voice was a little strained. As much as you wanted to hate him and move on, you couldn’t. Every single fiber of your being was urging you to find a reason, any reason, to not despise the man who raised you. “If, dad. Because if you did, I really will never forgive you. I’ll hate you forever.” 

A grim expression contorted at his face. In his many decades on the planet, he’d never felt more dread. But one had to wonder if that was the right word. The regret had already arrived, because he’d already done something unforgivable. It was only a matter of time before you’d find out. “I’ve already done something to earn your unconditional hatred, child.” 

That was right. He’d killed Allen, your best friend and only other semblance of family in your life. And perhaps, the person you held the closest to your heart. “Soon, you will learn what it is. So I’ll let you leave today because you will never want to come back. I’d imagine that to be more… Convenient for you.” 

It was only your ignorance that blessed him this last moment. The last moment where you’d see him as your father with eyes unclouded by hatred. But it was short-lived. 

It didn’t take long for you to put two and two together, and in your short silence, you came to remember someone that had been gone for a while. Allen. 

Atlantis

You woke up in a cold sweat. For just one measly second as you oriented yourself, you weren’t tortured by a fury. Betrayal. Disgust. But it all came rushing back to you like the memories of that Godforsaken day you met with your father.

Sitting up with a deep frown, you felt heat build up around your face. It would be etched in your mind forever. The memory of Allen laying in the dump. Tossed out like a broken toy. Then, the stench of blood and rust as he was left for dead. 

You always knew your father was mad, but he kept on surprising you with how mad he was. Turning to the figure beside you, tears only overwhelmed your waterline to see his chest rise and fall steadily. 

He was still here. Alive and well. You could only hope the same for Allen.

It had been ten days since the heist. There hadn’t been a single sign of Matsumoto or his men, meaning Alfred really did do his research on the best places to hide. Climbing onto his form, you wound up laying on his chest. Then, you peered down at his sleeping face. 

As you got comfortable, you felt a smile creep onto your lips. If the you from a few months ago saw what you were doing, she’d be flabbergasted. Since when did you like him this much? 

Your cheeks grew a little rosy as you became self-aware of the position you were in. Full-on embarrassment hit you when he began to stir, but before you could get off of him, his eyes fluttered open. Uh oh. Now this warranted an explanation. 

For a second, he was confused, but when he saw that it was just you, he grinned lazily. “Morning, babe. Care to tell me why you’re not sleeping on your side of the bed?” 

He’d totally cornered you. And did he just call you babe? “Um... I, well... I woke up on you, so don’t get the wrong idea. I was just about to get off.” Sliding yourself off of him at that, you tried your damndest to simmer down. But he never gave you the chance. Rolling over to face you, he pulled you in around your waist much to your surprise. “Hey!” 

You never got around to pointing out that pet name, either. 

He caught you in a serious stare. “Don’t be so shy. We’re close, aren’t we?” Alfred was never one to beat around the bush. You knew that better than anyone, but that didn’t mean you were used to it. Lowering your head at that, you fixated on his chest. 

“... I guess so. That doesn’t mean I can sleep on you like that, though. And plus, it must’ve been uncomfortable.” 

“Nah. You’re light as hell.” He hummed. Sitting up with you on his lap, his statement became more apparent in how effortless he made it seem. “You’re like a few grapes, really. So don’t worry about it.” 

Why he chose to focus on that part of your argument was beyond you. Did he really not see anything wrong with what you were doing? Or maybe he did, and didn’t want to mention it. He’d been hugging you a lot lately the past week, but that wasn’t as deserving of your attention as spooning you while he slept. 

Wasn’t he pushing the envelope? It would make sense he was just trying to comfort you after your run-in with your father, and your discovery that he was the one who attempted to off your best friend. But wasn’t this a bit much? 

He wrapped his arms around your neck. There was nothing between you both, and yet, he was holding you like there was. Like you were his. 

"...” It was in his smile. It was different to how he always looked at you, as if there was finally something behind those electric blue irises. Something alive. Something hot. As you played around with the idea, you lit up like a Christmas tree and pushed his mouth away. “Don’t look at me like that.” 

Almost as if he read your mind, he relented. But only reluctantly. Picking you up from under your arms, he set you onto the mattress so he could get out of bed. Looking back at you over his shoulder, he gave your cheek an affectionate pinch. “Whatever you say. I’ll be back after a piss.” 

When he left the room, you were left to your own devices. As you brought your knees to your chest, you came to realize how tight it was. He’d only left for a few seconds, and you were already waiting for him to return. It was ridiculous to think about, but it was almost as if you missed him. Already.

Did spending all this time with him give you some kind of separation anxiety? 

Or was it something more? 

You couldn’t tell. 

The fact that he mentioned ‘I’ll be back’ suggested he was aware of your attachment to him. You buried your face into your knees. 

Turns out, you weren’t the only one having a hard time processing your feelings. 

When he disappeared into the bathroom, he pressed his back against the wall. Reaching up to his chest, he scrunched up a part of his shirt as the pounding in his heart subsided--his metaphorical one. Alfred didn’t think it was weird to find you on top of him like that, let alone dislike it. In fact, he loved it. It gave him a shred of hope that maybe, you did like him the way he liked you. 

But that didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t be with you. 

This was the fifth motel he’d been to after the heist. There was no saying he’d be dead by the end of the day. Not when your father was after his head. So he wasn’t about to start anything. That would be too selfish, even for him--though one had to wonder if ‘selfish’ could even describe him anymore. He was anything but. At least, for you he wasn’t. 

Alfred would only be proven right when he took a step towards the toilet. His vision started to glitch. Then, he lost his balance, falling over the sink and slamming his head against the mirror. “Fuck--!” Stumbling back onto his feet, he was engulfed in black for a few seconds. What the hell was going on? 

His bout of disorientation lasted for far too long to be normal.

Before he would start accepting the prospect of going blind, his vision returned. He thought he would celebrate that moment, but he forgot what he was even fussing about. What happened? Lowering his gaze to his hands, he stared at them for a while before looking back up. What was he doing here? Where was he? 

That was right. He was in a motel. With you. Running away from uncertain death. It took a minute or so to recall all of these things, and that was what alarmed him. It seemed like his body wasn’t accepting the chip very well. 

Temporary memory loss and blindness was just apart of the transition, right? 

Little did he know, it was anything but. 

Outside that very district sat two men in a car. Bags hung under their dull eyes as they scanned the streets as vigilantly as their sleep deprivation let them. It had been two days since they slept, but they wouldn’t rest until they found him. There were only four days until the damage was done.

If they didn’t get to the man before then, he would be as good as dead. 

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

you know that thing people sometimes do where they’re not quite yelling at you, and if you were like “sir, please don’t yell at me,” they’d have enough plausible deniability to be like “what? I’m not yelling at you!”

but also they are speaking much louder than previously and their tone of voice has gotten harsher and their face is redder?

and if you were like “okay but should we take this down a notch maybe?” they’d be like “I’m being extremely appropriate right now even though my job is VERY hard and also YOU implied that I was doing something unethical which is WORSE than yelling, telling people they are doing ableism, that’s worse and also I wasn’t yelling,”

oh boy, I just got out of the most garbage work meeting of my ENTIRE life.

-

my team’s points

-it is not equitable to give people who can travel to in-person events during a pandemic access to a better tier of benefits than people who can’t travel

-we care about equity, so we are going to insure that vulnerable people don’t receive worse outcomes than less-vulnerable people

-we will work with you to be flexible but this is a non-negotiable thing, this is a principle

-if we’re offering different tiers of benefits to different people based on their health or caregiving responsibilities, that perpetuates inequity

-if we perpetuate inequity in this blatant way, people will look at us and make judgements about our ethical fiber, actually.

-we appear to have very different ideas on “the percentage of people who won’t feel safe doing in-person and travel right now,” maybe we should try to ballpark a different number, or do some research maybe?

-we have given you our position clearly and in writing, but we’re having trouble figuring out what your concrete alternative argument is, would you like to put it in writing?

-okay, or not, that’s fine, could you be a little clearer about the position you’re starting from? what, specifically, do you want?

(things I did not say in this meeting

-why are we still making the bullshit assumption that it’s impossible to make a judgement on someone’s ethical fiber because you’re on Zoom and not breathing on each other

-we live in a society!

-the worst-case scenario here is not “my team makes your team’s job harder” it’s “somebody dies in real life because we asked for travel”

-you keep using the word “equity” and I would like you to define it, please

there is a nuanced argument to be made about whether “treating everyone the same” is what equity looks like, yes

oh boy are you not making that nuanced argument

-you cannot use “equity” to support providing better service to people in positions of privilege and worse service to the vulnerable and marginalized

-words mean things

-do not fucking yell at me!)

their arguments

-you’re being so inflexible

-you’re issuing ultimatums

-probably nine out of ten people can travel to in-person events anyway

-it’s way more equitable to design the best possible solution for those nine people and then give one person special (worse) treatment, actually

-that’s way more equitable than insisting everybody gets the same benefits

-if we do it your way all ten people will get worse benefits, and that’s not equitable

-it’s unreasonable not to design for the majority

-in fact, it’s more unfair to give ten people slightly worse benefits than it is to give nine people much better benefits and one person much worse benefits, because you’re doing inequity to more people

-being inequitable against the majority is also bad

-of course special treatment is equitable

-actually “prioritizing the well-being of marginalized folks” isn’t equitable to less-marginalized people

-asking us to put our points in writing is adversarial

-our job is SO hard and you’re making it harder

-in conclusion: fuck off into the sun!!!!!

also we debriefed with my boss and I was like “what can we do in the future if things get that heated, because I do not want to be in meetings where a colleague literally yells at me?”

and my boss, who is often very spineless is like “I think conflict is healthy,”

no you don’t! you think you don’t want to call this dude out because then conflict would happen to you instead of your junior female colleagues, buddy!

and I was like “okay, but having some guy very heatedly do ableism at us is a different experience for me, a disabled woman, than for you, an abled man who has said twice this week how much this ableist garbage “surprises” you. you gotta go the fuck to bat, my guy”

we’ll see.

[littlebabycrybtch]

yknow part of my brain unfortunately kind of gets why ableism is being left behind by modern activists bc... so much of performative and hollow ‘activism’ today is all about being super fake and digestible for majorities, and the (better) side of it is being so ‘fuck with me and die’ that either way they might possibly shut up and leave you alone. so being like. ‘i want you to listen to me and respect me, but i have physical and/or mental vulnerabilities that make it harder for me to intimidate you into doing that’ feels like. such a doomed situation. you have less leverage to get ppl to respect you so fighting back is harder, but then when you ask the fake bitches to help your community out they ignore you bc you arent sexee funnee uncringe relatable enough and theyre way too used to the clique mentality to get their own help so they see you as unworthy of their time. so we’re just slowly being left tf behind. now ppl get cancelled and held accountable for the usage of literally every other slur but a celeb could probably use the r word IN their slur apology video and i truly think ppl would literally not even acknowledge it. i think if i said ‘you just used another slur dude’ ppl on twitter would be genuinely confused or fuckign accuse me of ‘’’’‘derailing’’’’’ the situation and bro like. hoh my god the co ncept. the fuckin thought of abled bitches ignoring their privilege bc of their other minority statuses and blatantly standing up for shit (usually in a way that benefits them the most) and then acting CONFUSED when we also request their help bc they are THAT ignorant abt us just makes me see red. especially bc disabled ppl are one of the Largest oppressed ‘minority’ groups, we can overlap with any other fucking minority. we exist in ALL of your communities, we ARE ‘relatable’ to you, we ARE trying to fight, we are struggling and you are leaving us behind. 

the r word holds so much fucking weight for us and noooobody is putting a stop to it anymore, i see it literally every single day now without Any backlash, and its EVERYWHERE. more and more boldfaced ableism is casually infiltrating leftist spaces. the systemic abuse and prejudice and violence and dehumanization behind it, this outdated medical term is not just a reminder and a product of its time, the connotations it created and ignorance behind it directly fueled and contributed to the forced imprisonment in asylums, the eugenics, and the oppression we ARE STILL EXPERIENCING TODAY. beyond the fact that yall truly forget america isnt the only place and the entire world has varying levels of how disabled people are legally treated, AMERICA STILL OPENLY OPRESSES THE DISABLED. remember when us gays got marriage rights and we were like ‘dont forget we still have shit to do’? wheelchair ramps and taking service animals on planes and $500 a fucking month to live on aint SHIT compared to what we still go through. WE LITERALLY STILL CANT GET MARRIED WITHOUT LOSING OUR BENEFITS. like. for fucks sake, the LEAST you ‘activists’ could be doing is CONDEMNING THE SLURS USED AGAINST US WITH AS MUCH SPEEDY EFFORT AS YOU PUT INTO CONDEMNING OTHER ONES!

[noddytheornithopod]

So yeah, seen the premiere and had a bit of time to think things over and see what others are saying. My feelings... I’m not sure how I’d summarise them. I guess I’d say something like enjoying it but in a very distant and sceptical way? I’ll write more about the actual episode soon but to start, I should mention the source of my scepticism and hesitation: whitewashing (cut for a spoiler character).

Even back last year when the Bad Batch arc aired, I saw the mutant clones from Clone Force 99 and all of them but Wrecker looked... way lighter than they should? And the implication is that their genetic alterations is why they look, well, whiter? When these deviant clones are allowed to serve because their mutations turn out to be “beneficial” and “positive” instead of disabling?

Yeah... look, I don’t think Filoni and the folks at Lucasfilm are being intentionally racist, but nobody ever thinks they’re racist even when they’re spreading that very racism (well, except a few unashamed bigots like Nazis, but they’re a very clear minority and not really relevant here). Taking clones of a brown man and having them turn out to be whiter and the correlation of that being with genetic traits that enhance existing features instead of making them unfit to serve... yeah, really not a good look. There’s a reason some people have been using #UnwhitewashTBB. Oh yeah, did I mention that Wrecker, the only one with a normal, darker skin tone is the big dumb muscle of the group? And that Tech, the whitest one, is the brains? Crosshair and Tech both look like white dudes, and Hunter even if his tone is darker still looks paler than he should (same with Omega for that matter). And of course, Echo basically has bleached skin because even being frozen shouldn’t deprive him of that much colour, so what the heck? They can’t even justify that one with genetic alterations to the template, which is already a bullshit excuse because... why does having a brain that process information super efficiently or super enhanced eyesight make your skin lighter? There’s no narrative reason for them to be lighter skinned, it’s such a flimsy excuse with weird correlations that send some kinda unfortunate messages. It’s a shame, because the idea behind the Bad Batch is that differences are what make us who we are and that we should value that... and yes, they ARE different from regular clones (which I guess is why they designed them like this???), but they don’t need to be turned into freaking white people to illustrate this. Like, if you really want to show them be different, convey that in features associate with their traits (aka something that Wrecker’s design does, shame being the darkest skin ruins that >:V).

Oh yeah, speaking of whitewashing... the hell is up with Caleb? Oh yeah, Kanan Jarrus from Rebels is here, back when he was still padawan Caleb Dume. When I was watching the episode I was like “wait, is his skin tone right? or is it kinda light for him? also his hair too???” I then saw other reactions and yeah, this is definitely a whitewashed design. Just... why? The fact that they’re retconning a comic whose version of events I honestly prefer doesn’t help at all. How are they gonna excuse this one? That years of being on the run blasted his pasty white skin with too much UV? That he’s stuck inside the temple too much?

It’s apparently an issue that some fans have discussed for years, and I’m glad it finally became clear to me. The most I got concerned about clone whitewashing was when people tried to claim Rex was that dude on Endor, and... no? Just because they both have fucking Santa beards doesn’t mean they’re the same person. But I mean, suddenly hearing these voices all come together with the hashtag finally brought things into perspective. It seems like it’s been an issue for a while, little thing that had me going “huh that’s weird” like 99 looking awfully white even as he’s deformed (oh yeah I also think he’s written in an ableist, even inspiration porny way, but that’s ANOTHER story), the clones in general seeming to have lighter skin tones in places (in TCW it never bothered me tho I have seen criticism of it there, it’s mainly in Expanded Media and Rebels I was asking questions). There’s also Boba Fett in the episode Deception looking weirdly pale?

People have even brought up that Dee Bradley Baker, a white man, voicing these Maori men brings issues, especially with how his accent... isn’t very accurate. Like, I do think he’s a great voice actor, even with the clones and how he’s able to individualise all of them even with the same voice, but... his accent honestly sounds more like a bad Australian one than a New Zealand one, lol. Again, this is something I always noticed and found weird, but only with the recent movement has it really been giving me perspective. Even this took me a while to process, because in voice acting there seems to be more flexibility with who can play who (even if many recent conversations like the one about Apu from The Simpsons have gotten people to ask if when this happens we lean into caricature, which is what people are concerned with here).

Okay this post was actually meant to be a general reaction to the episode, but my whitewashing rant really got out of hand. I do feel like I could’ve been more vocal in the past about some of these things, especially as a white person myself. It’s easy to be complacent out of fear of conflict, and it’s something I do feel I need to work on. I also do want to specifically hear opinions of Polynesian and of course especially Maori Star Wars fans and what they have to say about this, if anyone has anywhere to direct me in that specific regard.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Lucasfilm has a whitewashing issue. I don’t believe there’s deliberate malice, but that makes it even more important to fight - things like this can be normalised to a degree we don’t question it. It’s much harder to unpack unconscious biases and things that are normalised in society than it is to confront the open bigots.