#fucking absolute agony

[chipped-chimera]

💀

I kind of really, really fucking hate I'm lonely again. Post relationship-of-10-years-blowup from my deeplore I've gone two solid years of just not wanting any of that shit and I could focus on healing. I was content. Because of my fucked energy capacity and autism I get tired by irl social interaction so quickly so it was fine anyways. I don't have a super high social need most of the time and usually chatting with people online is enough.

But after realising more things about myself in terms of sexuality, in really realising maybe it was women all along I might have been interested in (idk still not 100% on it - I really worry about the difference between sexual attraction in my head vs irl and that if I get there it's gonna be 'Well shit guess I'm still grey ace' which I'd hate actually. I wanna have fun too!) It's twisting in my body like a knife. And I don't want it. It was in a way, easier to feel dead to it. Easier to not have a hope in hell - I know parts of it is trauma but it's just been the way I protect myself, I don't 'get my hopes up' about anything anymore. I don't plan anything beyond 6 months because I feel like every time I do get my hopes up about anything some malevolent force in life is going to come along and violently throw me back down. And I'm scared of that. I am really, really fucking scared that the next time? Maybe the next time I won't be able to handle it anymore. I don't want to feel like a soldier in endless combat with my own life. Every battle 'victory' feels phyrric and I don't know if I'll win the war anymore.

But there's always a tiny, quiet hope in there. And that's what is turning into the knife that cuts through me when I consider reality. I know I am not an attractive partner, physically maybe I'm okay. But who I am as a person? I have too many 'dealbreakers'. I am a ruined human being in the eyes of the social status quo. I'd probably be seen as too 'dependent', too 'lazy', too much. And not enough at the same time. And it fills me with a visceral kind of rage that none of this is my fault. Everything that has broken in me, was done to me, gladly by others around me.

I don't want the hope. I don't want the lonliness. I was happier feeling nothing.

I don't want to be hurt again. I just want to be loved.

[fullscoreshenanigans]

(The Promised Neverland Art Book World)

Ah yes, one of my favorite genres of baby full score trio pictures: Isabella being openly affectionate toward Emma and Norman in front of Ray while being hands off with him.

(Chapter 2 | Chapter 37 | Chapter 165 | Chapter 170 | Chapter 177)

[nightssideblogofshame]

Honestly, i respect the hell out of just how involved the game forces you to be with seeking mr eaten

Like, when i first started playing, i was having a good time, yknow? Then i discovered u could seek mr eaten, and like, im curious, of course im curious, but theres piles of warnings on that story and when i went to look it up as like, idk risk investigation, i found out that (spoilers btw) it would lose me my character, like my character would just be gone, idk how or why and i dont want to know without seeing it myself, but i knew my character would be for all practical purposes gone if i did it

And like, by this point i was already attached, yknow? I liked this character, i was doing my best, i was being a slut down in veilgarden and trying to become a master criminal on the side, i was having fun and way too emotionally attached to this character to sacrifice them, yknow

But the mystery, the intrigue, what in the name of the masters happened in the seeking mr eaten story???? I had to know

So what i did, was i made a seperate account, a sacrificial lamb, if you will, specifically to seek mr eaten with, i thought that id just dive directly into seeking mr eaten and like, kill off this character or condemn them or whatever horrid fate would happen to them, and I'd get to know the mr eaten story without risking my emotionally invested account, pretty standard strat in these kinds of risk storyline yknow, just make a throwaway to experience it with

Except! Except! That didn't work!

See, to seek mr eaten, you need high stats, you need resources, you need knowledge, you need a large variety of things that u just dont have and dont have the ability to get in the early game, i didnt get anywhere at all by trying to jump right in, my sacrificial lamb could not be sacrificed

So i start playing with her, and playing, and im choosing choices i didnt in my first go and focusing on stats i hadnt on my other account, and suddenly im invested in this character too, they arent a sacrificial lamb anymore, they came down to the neath to hunt down their nemesis, they were a mother whose child was murdered, she was ruthless and practical, cruel at points but not without reason, had a soft spot for children, i had like a whole mental storyline for her

And i went oh. Oh.

Fallen london absolutely forces you to get invested in your characters before youre allowed to seek mr eaten, they will not allow you to remain distant, the really extremely common strat that works in any other game to experience the 'bad route' by making a stupid trash character just wont work, is absolutely foiled!, by fallen london

Fallen london gives you a route it says will take everything from you, and then forces you to gather things to lose if you want to experience it, and i respect the hell out of that

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

thank you WH update for confirming that Wally breathes. i really thought he didnt <3

[stardustvanfleet]

please check on your twin lane friends today

[fear-no-mort]

thinkign about how alone and unloved morty was for all his life and rick was the first time anyobdy ever put such an amount of intense attention and dependency onto him . and rick had a whole new family and losing them made him stop seeing the value in other people as a whole and morty was the one and first thing that woke him up

[jade-kyo]

Jade i need to know what your brother's thoughts on Grimmons is bc i cannot imagine how casual watchers view them

Oh god I don’t think that’s a can of worms I want to open

But I can definitely take a guess which is that they’d probably think it’s “woke nonsense” which is so strange cause my brothers don’t like- think there’s anything wrong with being gay? They have gay friends?? But I swear the second it’s a character in a piece of media suddenly it’s pandering, unnecessary, or forced. I think the only time I’ve ever seen them not react this way was Arcane, they’re completely fine with the gay characters in Arcane. Yeah it’s weird and they make no goddamn sense I swear. Like seriously they are the fans RT would be afraid of offending AND THEY DO NOT WATCH THE SHOW ANYMORE

Now my brother who’s in the military might be a different story. I’m closest with him and he’s a lot more open to how media can be interpreted and stuff like that but here’s the thing- he’d probably just be hilariously oblivious to it. This guy thought the romance in Good Omens came out of nowhere. Anything like that goes so far over his head that it’s downright comical. I think I would have to explain it all in detail to him and he’d just be like “huh I never noticed that”

Seriously every time I tell him RvB has had this huge affect and influence on me, more than any other story, he’s just like “that’s such a weird story to be affected by, it’s so silly” and I’m just like bro a dude killed himself inside of another dudes head WHAT DO YOU MEAN and he’ll just be like “oh yeah I guess it was pretty intense at times”

casual viewers of RvB are an entirely different species I swear, it can both be infuriating and hilarious to see

[whimsicalcotton]

Also I started getting into the namesake song of polluted marrow (Spiracle by Flower Face) and it's so good... I wanna give you the green light to ramble about how you think this song relates to the fic/the characters/etc bc I'm very curious to hear how it inspired you 😊

[cracks knuckles] Okay so,

for starters this AU is kinda old. i think i started toying w the general idea in 2016ish, and the want to write it got hardcore resurrected when i decided to watch an lis1 playthrough for the first time in fucking ages last year. i happened to find Spiracle recently after finishing up so there was already like a 60% chance i'd start associating it w lis through just that, but then i was smacked in the face specifically by this last line

so hard that i was immediately like Oh God I Need To Write That Timelooper Max AU Right The Fuck Now. (like seriously. "i want you butterfly, i want you sailor." what am i supposed to Do after hearing that if not wail over pricefield)

as a whole for me the song is about The Devotion (tm) and how Max loves every last little part of Chloe, good or bad, for better or worse, so goddamn much that she's willing to put herself through all this fucking bullshit several times over. Yearning On A Cosmic Scale kind of vibes.

but then after a few listens i Realized. that some of these lines are really good for Rachel + the admittedly unhinged amberfield dynamic i have brewing. imo Max is definitely not immune to the whole putting the idea of Rachel on a pedestal problem, but she does it Different than everyone else bc her image of Rachel is informed mostly by how important she was to Chloe. which is to say i read some of these lines in an "and i want you, too. i want every part of her and you're a part of her," sort of way.

also this one line is very Max @ both of them

and to bring it back to that last bit again, i feel like the butterfly/sailor line is pretty self-explanatory but "i am your lover, and i am your jailor," to me is the crux of all those conflicting gnarly gay timelooper feelings. no one loves you like me, no one hurts you like me. i'm saving us, i'm keeping us trapped here. i'm the one who pulls you from your grave, i'm the one who throws the first shovel of dirt onto your coffin. i'm your lover, i'm your jailor.

also! even the title easily lends itself to lis imagery bc A) english is stupid and there are too many words that look the damn same so i think of spirals every time i see it. and more concretely, B) spiracles are little holes in an insect's body that they use to get oxygen and ofc,, both butterflies And the chrysalis itself have them. i'm mentally unwell about this actually. truly i wasn't aware i could be emotionally damaged by looking up caterpillar facts but that's what writing does to you i guess.

and lastly i picked out 'polluted marrow' as a title for the whole AU because

could be Any Of Them.

for Max it's "i'll still want you if you're nothing; i'll still want you if your insides are rotting." for Chloe it's "i want to know what's hurting you; i want to take it away." for Rachel it's "i want to see the depth of your sickness; i want you to hold it to my throat like the weapon you've made it into."

[paperfen]

Spoilers for BNHA chapter 423; you know where this is going.

SHIGARAKI KINNIES HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT???? CAUSE I AM NOT FEELING GOOD!!!! in all seriousness, I could barely finish this sketch because I was crying so hard. Horikoshi when I catch you istg. I'm not even gonna entertain the idea that he's still alive somehow until that's confirmed because I refuse to give myself false hope. But this is not how I wanted this to end. Shigaraki deserves to have the life that was literally stolen away from him from day fucking 1. Yes, killing AFO was cathartic as HELL, and seeing kurogiri/shirakumo reach out to save his son absolutely broke me, but what happens to all of the build-up with Shigaraki's story? the rest of the league's trauma, the issues they genuinely faced within this hero society? where is all that going? down the drain ig. seems like such a fuckin waste of a story but alright. this could have been about deku becoming the greatest hero by saving and reforming the villains who were abused and tortured but ALRIGHT. also, a two page send off? be fr what the fuck. Rest easy, king. You deserved so much better. Or come back to us because that'll turn this car around so fast we might hit mach speed.

[hannibalismos-jaaneman]

sometimes i think about what would have happened if richard had died instead of henry and the rest of the book had been narrated the song of achilles style and it hurts

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

i remember someone asking you for the second years favorite out of itafushikugi but who do you think the trio’s favorite senpais are?

& who do you think the adults (nanami gojo shoko yaga) favorite students are?

I'm assuming we're talking about the sea glass gardens universe for this and not canon.

Megumi: Yuuta. No competition. I'm pretty sure this is straight up canon with his comment that Yuuta was the only one of his senpais that he actually respected. He and Yuuta have a special relationship, even if Megumi isn't aware of his Boyhood.

Barring Yuuta, Maki would be his favorite. They have identical bitch instincts and are always on the same wavelength. They wander the world as these beautiful judgmental assholes and it's their ideal existences. Soul siblings.

I see Maki as sort of slowly growing into her place as Megumi's family. At the start, neither of them were exactly looking to forge blood family ties, what with their history, but I think they both understand what it's like to have the Zenin lurking on your periphery in a way no one else does. They look out for each other.

Nobara: Maki. I also can't debate canon on this one. Nobara simply adores Maki. And has a crush on her the size of Jupiter. She doesn't know Yuuta and has sworn revenge on him for winning the last Goodwill event, so Yuuta's out of the running, and Panda and Inumaki are her constant torments.

Still, were it not for her appreciation for Maki as her senpai (re: rampant Homosexual Desire), I think Panda would be her favorite. They have identical asshole instincts, not that Nobara would ever admit it. Remember them teaming up during the Goodwill event? Nobara secretly has a soft spot for Panda, except for all the moments where she wants to beat him with a hammer.

Yuuji: I think it's actually Inumaki. Maki and him get on great because they both can compete athletically, but Maki's disposition is more suited to Megumi. She's harder for him to connect with for him on a personality level. Inumaki's also very athletically inclined, and I see them becoming jogging buddies now that Yuuta's in Africa.

I see Inumaki looking out for him a little when he first arrived, the way he did for Yuuta. Yuuji's not the sort to be phased by the difficulty communicating, and I think he respects the hell out of Inumaki as a jujutsu sorcerer.

If we count the Kyoto students in this, his favorite is Todo, but that may or may not be Stockholm Syndrome. He. He got swept up in it. It happened so fast. He doesn't know how this happened or if he's allowed to leave. It kind of scares him.

Yuuta is not even in the running for Yuuji's favorite. The thought of Yuuta torments him. He's just all sparkling and perfect in Africa, what with his curse-free existence and unstoppable power and having Megumi as his boy and what not. Just. Fuck off.

Adults

Nanami: He has no favorites. He cannot play favorites. He has raised one of these children, as adopted another, and has played a very large role in teaching a third. It would be wrong to select favorites out of them.

But also it's Yuuji.

It's not that he actually likes Yuuji better than Megumi or Yuuta or any of the others; it's more that Yuuji's his student. Megumi's practically a son to him, but Gojo was the one who took the lead on raising him and training him. And while he will always do his best to support Yuuta, by the time he met Yuuta, Gojo had already become the sort of adult pillar of support in his life.

Yuuji's the one he took the lead on training. He was there when Yuuji first had someone die, first had to kill. And Yuuji reminds him so much of Haibara that it hurts sometimes. He has a soft spot for him.

Gojo: Gojo will play favorites. It's Megumi.

Sue him. His kid is his favorite. That's his little boy. He watched him grow up from the angriest first grader he ever met to the angriest high schooler he ever met. He's always gonna have a bit of a soft spot for his Megs.

If he couldn't pick Megumi, it would be Yuuta.

Again, sue him for playing favorites, but Yuuta's someone he's just endlessly proud of. He watched Yuuta go from being curled up on the floor of an execution chamber to being the most promising sorcerer of the modern age. Yuuta really gives him hope for the future and the next generation. He just adores the kid.

Shoko: If we're talking sea glass gardens, I think Megumi would win by default just because she has less face time with the kids and Megumi is the one she helped raise. She's his wine aunt. She's always gonna wanna pinch his cheeks and harass him about his hair. But if he's out of the running, it's Nobara. She reminds her of her at that age. Mostly in the fact that she's endlessly suffering from her two idiot best friends's mutual homosexuality. Shoko relates to Nobara on a spiritual level.

Yaga: Panda. That's his little boy. I'm pretty sure this is canon too--Maki explicitly states that the principal plays favorites with Panda in JJK0. He raised Panda and thinks of him as his own son. He adores the kid.

If Panda's out of the running, it's Megumi.

This is also because he remembers when Megumi was a little kid. He didn't help raise Megumi the way the rest of them did--he got cut out after the Zenin incident--but he remembers before, when he was trusted with Megumi. A part of him is always going to remember Megumi as the quiet little boy who used to hide under his desk to read.

I also just see him as keeping more distance from the kids. he's not as actively involved in their teaching. it's partially an act of self protection to have distance--a lot of kids don't make it to graduation. So his favorites are going to be the one he spent the most time with--namely panda and Megumi, just by pure default.

[wiclowmakers]

been thinking a lot about how odin weaponizes his abuse and emotional violence to keep his family in line,  to the extent that thor is both a victim of it and a further perpetuator of it.  literally in the very first scene where we meet thor and,  despite his anger,  thor is polite,  respects the rule of hospitality,  and while being a prolific alcoholic who has given up drinking,  offers mead as a gift to his host.

and then odin barges in and proceeds to  a)  insult thor’s dead sons to his  face,  calling modi and magni  “useless,”  and outright remarking that their deaths don’t matter,  b)  proceed to push alcohol at thor over and over and even INSULTS thor for abstaining from alcohol,  and then  c)  insults thor in front of everyone,  remarking he’s only good for his strength,  before expecting thor to fight kratos

it’s actually horrifying the more you watch because it’s just so insidious???  like thor pouring two drinks,  one for kratos and one for atreus         kratos immediately pushes one of the cups to thor,  implying he won’t drink first because he doesn’t know if it’s poisoned.  HE doesn’t know that thor has quit drinking;  thor grumbles about the temptation,  but otherwise resists.  when odin comes in,  odin helps himself to BOTH drinks,  and after he’s taken a sip,  he  pushes the cups at thor.  it’s not just that he’s moving them out of the way,  he very deliberately pushes the cups towards thor  BOTH  times.  then he remarks that thor  “is no fun anymore,”  needling thor for his refusal to drink.

like wow wow wow no wonder thor is passively suicidal.  no wonder he’s stopped taking care of himself.  no wonder mimir left and freya tried to run and tyr has been locked away.  odin turns everyone around him into bombs that he lights the fuse on for his own amusement and lobs at his enemies,  and he doesn’t care if he kills his own family doing so.  

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

they say that if a murderer kills a murderer, the amount of murderers in the world remains the same. this is not applicable to Assassins Georg, who kills twenty murderers each day-

[fischiee]

i was watching the end of s9 for reasons and honestly it really gets me how tex is literally BEGGING church not to say goodbye!!

i mean!!!

like this is not her sounding composed or put together or flippant like we get a lot from her, she is genuinely distressed at the idea that church might be trying to sever their ties in that way

she’s panicked at the idea that they’re about to die and her last moments with him will be him disrespecting everything that he made her to be that she is

she may have loved him but she knew deep down that she couldn’t trust him, not after he was the one to bring her back and force her to live her cursed half life

[mzminola]

Thanks to the animated adaptations of Under the Red Hood using the greenless Robin uniform that Tim wears in the animated series and post-Kon’s-death in the Preboot era comics, my brain parsed the first image in this set not as Bruce and Jason, but as Dick and Tim.

Which is. Very ouch.

[calamitys-child]

How to take a rest day bc of brain fog and physical exhaustion without feeling the most emotionally wretched it's possible to ever be