#fuck you andrealphus

[mandareeboo]

Oh, god, he has no custody of Octavia now? He lost the rights to his own daughter??

[puritydoom]

Andrealphus #1 hater!!!

[anemicjellyfish]

He is the absolute worst, I want him in every episode

[hiemaldesirae]

The Hazbin Graduate’s Guide to Homicide (3)

HAZBIN'S MIDSEMESTER STUDENT REPORT Student: Vox Vanhal Supervising Staff: Professor Enoch Leviathan Sponsor: Not Applicable To the Board: Vox Vanhal may be one of the most brilliant students this school has seen in decades. In all my years of teaching at Hazbin, I have never met a student more insanely ready to learn and apply their skills- due in part, of course, to said student's own possible insanity. I mean this in a jovial way, of course, but I will admit that when young Vanhal's true identity was revealed to me that my first thought was along the lines of 'is this student insane?' Whether or not my student's reason should be called into question is something myself and my fellow professor Asmodeus have discussed in length, but there is one thing that we can definitively agree on: If there is any one student in this school who I would choose to place my bets on, it would be Vox Vanhal. There is nothing more to say at this time of report evaluation. Sincerely, Professor Leviathan.

May God's blessings be with you now and at the hour of our deaths, Amen.

[ 1 ] / [ 2 ] (<- read these first for context and more murder academy radiostatic content!)

Though Alastor may have thought that Vox was much more knowledgable in how Hazbin's Institution for Homicide worked, the truth was, Vox was still fully flying on the seat of his own coattails.

He had no damn clue what he was doing still, and although it'd been two weeks since he'd arrived, part of him still felt like how he did when he'd first arrived: hesitant, scared, not knowing where to go or what to do besides the want to make his boss suffer as he killed him.

That level of animosity might sound strange to anyone not a Hazbin student or alumnus, but it was perfectly normal for any student enrolled in the academy to have such feelings. After all, there was quite a rigorous process involved in the application, and for Vox, this application process (and what led to it) was perhaps more intense than most.

There had once been a time where Vox had dreamed of becoming a Hollywood starlet, one who lit up the silver screen and was blessed by hundreds of thousands of cheering, dedicated fans who would fawn over his every move and action. He'd wanted to follow in his mother's footsteps, at one point. But after taking on his first roles in Carmine Studios, the glamour of Hollywood had shattered like fine glass.

"Miss Vesper! Would you please look over here for a second?"

"Miss Vesper, when is your next movie coming out?!"

"Miss Vesper, is it true that you and your co-star on Anna Karenina, Valentino Vega had an affair-?"

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! That- fucking bastard!" Vox rushed into the privacy of his and Val's shared apartment, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed into the couch, head cradled in his hands. He couldn't even begin to start detailing the number of ways he'd wanted to fucking butcher and rip apart his boss.

Andrealphus Goetia was no stranger to the spotlight, naturally. One of Hollywood's top directors, the man had been an influential cornerstone in the history of movie-making, a real legend to light the days. But behind that picturesque platinum reputation laid a monstrous piece of shit.

It had been a complete accident that Andrealphus had found out about Vox's identity.

Vox himself hadn't even really planned out what to do about himself at that point, only that he'd known that the dresses he wore on screen were far more suited to his best friend than they were for him. Knew that the copious amounts of makeup flattened on him everyday made him feel more like a clown than a princess, that it was the most uncomfortable feeling to have to sit and play the pretty face for the audience's sake.

But he persisted, telling himself, one more year, one more year til my savings account has enough to supply Val and I with a comfortable life and we can leave.

But of course- of course Andrealphus had to ruin it for him.

The man had found out and immediately proceeded to blackmailing Vox with the information, holding things such as promotions, media gossip and rumors over his head. And now... now... Vox stared down at the script he held clutched in his hand, his knuckles turning white as he grasped it with an iron grip.

"Dieser verdammte bastard," Vox muttered under his breath.

Though he'd never loved the spotlight that came with his first taste of fame, he had loved acting. Had loved being adored for his skill, applauded for the emotions that he could evoke in crowds of people and the way he could twist people's hearts. He had wanted to be one of the best, a household name.

And now, he stared down at the script for a movie that Andrealphus knew would tank his reputation. It was absolute bullshit. The plot was held together by thin strings and a bit of glue, despite being an adaptation of one of the past decade's best selling books. Not only that, but the moment he left the safety of the apartment once more, he would also have to contend with the rumors that were steadily piling against him and dragging his loved ones and friends into it too.

All this, because Vox had refused to sleep with his shitty boss.

He could still hear the fucker's voice- come on, don't you wanna say that you got a piece of me? I'll even leave out the part about you being a transvestite, darling, just the fact that I got a piece of you is enough.

God. If only.... if only he could see that bastard's face when he crushed his fucking skull in between his hands. He wanted to see Andrealphus' stupid face contort in revulsion and terror when Vox finally did the deed, wanted to bathe in the the fotze's inbred blood. He'd do anything for the chance to just kill that piece of shit-

"Amorcito?"

Val's voice makes Vox jump on the spot, quickly shifting to hide the script from view. His friend comes around the corner, eyebrows furrowed with concern, and it's this that makes Vox break his composure, a single tear falling down his face as Val frowns, taking a seat next to him on the couch. "Voxxy, amor... tell me what's wrong."

And because he can never keep his mouth shut when it comes to his best friend, Vox tells him everything. Val nods along, pauses at the right moments, all of that stuff that friends do when they're trying to let you know that they'd rip apart your shitty boss if not for the law.

But- and perhaps this is something that Vox knew deep down to be true anyway- Val was a bit different in that aspect. He'd met the man under... less than legal circumstances, after all, and he knew that Val was the heir to quite the illustrous cartel career.

So when Valentino stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder and hands him an application paper for Hazbin, telling him to think it through, Vox barely takes even a second glance at it before filling it out.

Now, two months later and sitting in the auditorium of Hazbin's famed Music Hall, Vox doesn't find himself regretting the decision. Sure, it's a bit lonely without Val's supporting presence by his side, but the students he's met so far have proved to be some of the friendliest people he's had the pleasure of knowing: ironic, considering the kind of school they're studying at. And he's even managed to make a friend! Not that bad a start, altogether.

Vox absentmindedly doodles on the edge of his notes as Professor Leviathan's soothing voice lectures them on the importance of a proper alibi. "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, but it has an airtight alibi, it is...?"

"Not a duck," the auditorium echoes back to the professor, who nods, looking satisfied with the class's response. "So, then! The first step to alibi making is...? Miss Velvette, perhaps you'd like to answer this one for us?"

The girl sitting beside Vox shoots up in her seat, looking as if she'd just fallen asleep and was awoken by the professor's question. "Uh... the..."

After a moment of silence and stuttering, Vox takes pity on the girl, sliding Velvette over a slide of paper that she squints at before reading. "Make sure you're in a different place from the crime?"

"And how would I do that?"

"I... uh. Use an accomplice...?" Velvette stutters.

Professor Leviathan shakes his head, looking disappointed. "Not quite. One thing you will have to learn at Hazbin's is that you should never rely on any other person to carry your deed out for you. No hiring accomplices- after all, paid personnel's loyalty is shaky and they have no honor code preventing them from taking you to the police- and absolutely no committing crimes as lovers, unless you can guarantee that neither of you will be snitching. Would anyone else like to take a try?"

Vox raises his hand hesitantly. "Move the crime scene or otherwise obscure the culprit?"

Professor Leviathan snaps his fingers, "Yes! Absolutely. One of the best ways to make yourself an iron clad alibi is, if the pope is shot in the church at midnight, make sure that you are seen halfway across town in the bar at midnight; so drunk that you cannot even leave until your wife comes to pick you up at two- and no one will suspect you, even if he was actually killed right outside the pub and moved to the church instead. By moving the crime scene, you can make yourself an ironclad alibi. Obscuring the identity of the perpetrator and making it someone who couldn't possibly be you also works splendidly. After all, if the police believe the murderer to be a six foot tall adult man, then the actual perpetrator, a four foot tall young woman, would be able to pass by completely unnoticed. Thank you for that input, Vox. Now, onto the actual creation of such an alibi..."

When class ends, Vox is the first to leave his seat and head for the door, intending on leaving and getting to Track with Professor Satan as quick as possible when someone stops him in his tracks with a firm grip on his shoulder.

"Hey. Vox Vanhal, right?"

"That would be me, yes," Vox turns to face the person he's talking to, only to be met with the young woman that Professor Leviathan had called out in class earlier. "You were... Velvette?"

"Yep, that's me," the chipper young woman responds. "Listen, I know you don't know me at all, but I really need to get through this school year. Like- look, okay, I'm in a little bit over my head right now. I still want to go here and do what everyone here does, of course, I'd love to just go and plunge a damn butcher's knife into my cunt of an ex-friend's neck, but... well, you saw how I did back in class- look, what I'm trying to get at is I need someone to help me. And you're like, Leviathan's star student. So- I don't care what I have to do, I'll-"

Vox holds up a hand to stop her.

"I don't need you to do anything for me, unless you've got any tips on how to kill my boss and make him suffer during it. But I'll help you with whatever you need to study during your courses. Just..." He pauses, taking a moment to think out what he's about to ask. "Could you teach me how you did your makeup on your own?"

Velvette blinks, clearly not expecting that response. She laughs, a shrill, sharp bark and grabs his hand to shake it firmly. "Yeah, 'course I can. So, do we have a deal?"

"We do," Vox smiles. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

[a-hell-of-a-time]

@copaceticjillybean

After what had been weeks of waiting and anxiety, Jillian would receive a text from the one she had been waiting to hear from.

To: Jillian From: Andrealphus

[Text]: Now that things have finally settled, there are things I wish to discuss with you. Please come to my manner as soon as you are able.

[sowheresmyroom]

Also like. Not to be that guy but. Is the whole Stella/Andrealphus thing a reference to royal family inbreeding? Why the fuck does Andrealphus insist on talking about how hot Stella is at every chance. Like even DURING the trial. Bro are they a thing

[anthurak]

So as something of a followup/offshoot of my theory on the Goetia Trial and the end of Season 2 (and Stolitz), here is a little idea that I imagine a number of people are really not going to like, but which personally I think could be REALLY fun.

See, regardless of what the trial involves, I think it’s safe to assume that Andrealphus attacking Stolas and Blitzo here specifically comes afterwards, and is a direct result of his plans failing. Because even in just this one shot, I feel like Andrealphus is SUPER giving vibes of ‘villain who has just had their devious and complicated schemes foiled and also possibly been humiliated by the heroes and is now out for petty revenge/murder’.

Adding on to this, and this post I did on this shot, I imagine Andrealphus is going to be killed by whoever comes in to rescue Stolas and Blitzo, be it Octavia, Loona, Vassago, the rest of I.M.P. or all of the above. Personally I like the idea of Stolas and Blitzo being saved by Vassago, who proceeds to square up to fight Andrealphus who in turn is launching into a big, unhinged villainous rant… only for Andre to get headshotted by Moxxie with the Blessed Carbine he swiped from Striker back in Season 1.

Now here’s the thing: In my big theory post, I briefly commented on the possibility of Stella also being along to kill Stolas herself, despite not being seen in the clip.

So what if it really is JUST Andrealphus showing up to kill Stolas and Stella just stays home?

It certainly wouldn’t be out of character for her. Despite her vehement hatred for Stolas and desire to see him dead, Stella has NEVER showed the inclination to actually do the deed herself, seemingly out of laziness more than anything else. So if Andrealphus decided to go kill Stolas himself after their plans for foiled, I’d say it would be perfectly in-character for Stella to essentially go ‘Oh good, I don’t even need to hire that smelly cowboy again. Could you bring me his head back, brother?’

Actually, speaking of the overrated edgelord, imagine if Striker was used as a ‘bait and switch boss’? Like it turns out Stella does hire him again and he shows up in dramatic fashion to attack Stolas and Blitzo… only to be metaphorically or literally squashed like a bug by Andrealphus who came to do the deed himself. I just think that would be REALLY funny. Particularly the fan reaction XD

But back to Stella, I think it’s entirely in-character for her to sit out any attempt to kill Stolas directly, or anything that requires her to actually DO anything. With probably the last we see of Stella being a scene of her and Andrealphus arguing about the failure of the latter’s plan, which ends with Andrealphus going off to kill Stolas himself.

At least until the end credits of the episode and/or season, wherein we get a scene of Stella lounging in her brother’s palace, and is informed of the ‘tragic’ death of her brother. As well as being informed that, due to laws of Goetia inheritance, all of his wealth, status and power will passed to his closest living blood relative.

As in; his SISTER.

Cue Stella giving a small, satisfied ‘just as planned’ smirk.

For all that people hate her, I personally think Stella would make a great and FUN recurring villain for the show XD

[murderluv23]

Love Stolas not taking this shit laying down beforehand is peak. King.

Let's absolutely fucking go.

[triasticalwarlock]

What the fuck is this design

[a-hell-of-a-time-archive]

He is currently awaiting further judgment and cannot comment on the shenanigans.

[mallleus]

Ayo???

[backpackingspace]

Okay but this fic?! Love this

[a-hell-of-a-time]

@themosthatedbeingg

Ever since the demise of his sister and his family, and his subsequent servitude to Paimon, Andrealphus had become quiet and withdrawn. Aside from visits with his son and Caim, the marquis had kept his distance from the other goetia, going as far as to shut himself away in his icy mansion until Paimon called on him.

This solitude would end up coming to a halt when one of his imp servants announced the arrival of the King of Hell himself.

Hearing that Lucifer had come to visit filled Andrealphus with fear and anxiety. It was by nothing short of a miracle that he managed to walk and greet the king, and bring him to the sitting room prepared for guests.

"What brings you here, Your Highness?" he asked, his tone wary as he took a seat opposite him.

[a-hell-of-a-time]

Andrealphus tensed as the energy began to constrict around him, his eyes widening as it entered his beak and slid down his throat with ease. A searing pain soon followed, caused by a wave of emotions, visions, thoughts and more that washed over his mind. He could keenly feel everything the monarch had experienced during his long life, and the weight of such a thing nearly caused him to snap.

However, it was over as quickly as it begun, leaving the marquis a few moments to compose his trembling form. He could feel an invisible, yet very present link binding them together, and when he was finally dismissed and began to make his way home, there was one thought that came to his mind:

If they were now bound and the marquis could see and experience everything Paimon had, could the king see and experience everything Andrealphus did? Could the king now pry into his most intimate thoughts?

Just what had he agreed to?

Extending his hand forward a crimson energy would launch from the King's palm, enveloping the smaller Goetia in a fog of blood red and black. The energy would constrict around the other, entering his beak and down his throat.

The torrent of red would soon transform to pitch black, Andrealphus's form shimmering with pale light beneath. It would be then a great pain would the subordinate's skull, a wash of emotions all entering his brain at a rapid pace.

In that moment with the whole of the dark lord's void fallen upon him they were linked, Andrea could feel the weight of Paimon's mind against his own, the pain of countless loves lost to time, the regret and shame of sacrificing of his children to maintain his order. The distant frenzied emotions buried deep within the Goetic King, the parts that hated himself, but most of all the enduring cynicism of a mind who's chief inspiration had been stripped away.

All was an endless foray into nothingness. All things would end in time, life, love, wisdom, memories, beauty in all its forms. If not in reality then within one's mind.

When it had ended the King stood over him, all before turning his back.

" You may go."

[murderluv23]

Please, I love Andrealphus so much. Why is so fucking funny in this scene? Props to the animators for this episode. These faces. I can't.

[a-hell-of-a-time-archive]

Something about your portrayal that sticks out: I love that your Andre seems to do this metronome flip between being prepared for anything and done with everything. He clearly enjoys his power but actually acting on it is stressful and draining and I enjoy how you make the two things coexist.

What is something about my portrayal[s] that sticks out? : Accepting!

((Being forced into royal politics and bullshit from a young age will do that to you-

Honestly Andre's reached the point where he wants to just sit back, enjoy his wealth/power/privilege and live a little without having to worry about appearances and house reputation 24/7.

Let him have fun damnit! If Stolas can have his fun without worry, then so can he!))