#fuck this im gonna watch winning time
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see now i cant stop thinking about a manga or a show about pro sports. real sports already has enough drama as it is. now imagine ur a writer and u can toy with all of this and making everything go to ur plan to tell a perfect story. i'd go fucking feral.
i am guessing it would be tough to make because while u can always make up some random high school, most pro sports leagues r already fully established and u cant really just drop a new fake team into that. you'd probably have to craft a whole NEW fake sports league and itd have to be on the national scale.... but hey if fucking queens gambit can do it for chess, somebody should take the hit and do it for another sport
#recommend to me shows abt pro sports please.. it can be fake#i think an exploration of love and passion for ur work could be interesting 🙄 and how different people deal with losing that passion or#never quite achieving what they want to#and of course dealing with life and personal growth outside of their career and their possible (in)ability to balance them#i just.#walk w me here#fuck this im gonna watch winning time#it isnt fake pro sports just a dramatization of real life events#which can also be fun
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ARCANE EPISODE 7!!!!
MY GOD I WASNT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!
Also ekko wallpaper I got with my fries lmao
#OH MY GOOOD!!!!!! POWDER AND EKKO!!! AND BENZOOOOOO#ITS LITERALLY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN OMGG!!!!! POWDER LOOKS SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭 IM CRYING ALREADYYYY#VANDER WITH A BUN!! AND EVERYTHING IS SO FULL OF LIGHT!!! HER EYES!!! MYLO LOOKS SO RIDICULOUS AKDJSK THIS GIRLAAA#“where would you be without her” WELL BUDDY IF YOU KNEW HOW HE IS WITH HER!!! VI IS DEAD????? OR SHE WAS TAKEN FOR THE INCIDENT!!!#LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID JAYCE!!! MY GOD!!! THE GEMS KILLED VI SO THEY JUST COMPLETELY PROHIBITED THEM!!! JAYCE IS IN JAIL PROBABLY!!#the fact we are seeing exactly why jayce should be sorry about what he has done.... and we are seeing him suffer because of it... cinema 🚬#also mel fading into viktor.... also has he realised how she manipulated him in the beggining??? there is so much stuff...#jayce eating contaminated animals and his wound being infected with the arcane too..... is that what will push him....#omg.... ekko likes powder so much... he apologised by painting actual adult vi portraits where the fallen are in his universe 😭😭😭#“she looks so badass” if you knew... is he gonna ask her to help him make hextech.... that is so sick and twisted....#also jayce hurting his leg loke viktor and having to use a cane and brace.... damn and you know whats worse..... that ekko could be like#this with the jinx of his universe IF ISHA HADNT DIED!!! AND IT IS BEACUSE OF JAYCE!! AGAIN!!!!! THIS MAN!!!!!#the drawing with the anomaly and the two men and the inifite symbol... we get it... jayce and viktor forever intertwined by fate....#powder is sensing something is off.... omg time travel..... THE LIMIT IS FOUR SECONDS AFTER HEIMERDINGER EPXLODED ALDHAKSHSKSJSOJSOSLS#i dont want a time travel ending.... if its done for plot to an extent is okay but idk about solving it all.... it makes it feel worhtless#claggor looks so fine its not even funny..... i cant wait to see what everyone thinks. WHERE IS THE LITTLE LADY bc hes called little man 😭#and vander with arm tattoos.... why did they hipster fied him.... he looks younger somehow ajdhakj he went from taking care of 4 kids to 3!#SILCO!!!! AND HE DID TRY TO KILL HIM!! ALSJAKSKAK Ekko just laighing at it.... girl i would be pissed STROMAE??? OMG POWDER!!!!#I JUST REALIZED THE PINK IN HER HAIR IS FOR VI!! AND HER JACKET!! AND A DRESS LIKE HER MOTHER'S!! CRYING!!! FULL BODY CHILLS!!!#CAN WE JUST PRETEND LIKE ITS THE FIRST TIME!!! I GAVE UP ON YOU!!! WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN I NEED TO KNOW!!! IM SOBBING!!! EKKO!!!!#NOOOOOOO THE ANOMALY NOOOOO!!!! HEIMERDINGER NOOOOO!!!! AND THATS JAYCE!!! IS THAT MAGE VIKTOR???? the monkeys......#the vi toy with the out love song machine.... my god i wasnt expecting any of this i need to breathe i am stil tearing up my god#what a fucking punch in the stomach christ i cant breathe right akdhsksso#the credits saying the deries has benefited from a spanish tax rebate in the canary islands??? you're welcome i guess lmao#animation production carried out there and has ben collaboration with the Spanish gov... alright another win for perro sanxe#talking tag#watching arcane#watching arcane season 2#watching this i dont think im ready for caitvi sex.... after reconciliation even like what will be of me.... now im scared#i am still scared bc idk what happened to jinx and vi and cait still... thats what worried me and boom!! ekko powder with the steel chair..
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does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians
#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic#im just like. tired of gnawing#and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get#content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky#young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me#im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing &#digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances#m text#i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story#not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a#lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out#bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples#and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified#(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right)#and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here#(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh)#I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost.#anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein#out as lesbian#like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has#to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic)#meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just#and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so#yknow. personal viewer bias here#but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian#and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out#but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough.#im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes#I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY.#like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'
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(so it turns out i never posted this actual video so like.. here. i have so many brain worms about this now cause like. holy shit my dude. once again asking where. OH WHERE. the fuck is/was this character after his return and why wasnt he given a fair chance when all the building blocks were so obviously fucking there.......)
#wrestling#kip sabian#penelope ford#okay one more. i promise im done now (for a while cause im definitely gonna gif the ending of this video lmao)#but like.. yeah. something about this time was so special#and then they fucking fumbled him like no other. i mean there were signs before that too when they didnt let boxman reach his potential#but there was so much fucking promise during this two show run in ddt and so many things they could have done after returning#but no. instead none of this was ever brought up (neither title win or that mask or anything else) and nothing came out of it#nothing for this persona. for that mask. for their dynamic. nothing at all#they werent in television outside of dark for like two months i think#its just such a fucking shame cause he has all the tools and the talents to be a fucking top star. they just arent giving him the chances#not the be constantly fucking salty about this but.. yeah. their time in japan really just proved that#and how badly aew is actually fumbling them. like fucking seriously#anyways. please watch this if nothing else. i do miss this time it was just genuinely so fucking nice#not only to see them actually win shit lmao but also to see the character works and their dynamic evolve and blossom#it was so good and so special. and knowing especially how much it meant to kip like... yeah#aew do fucking better 2k24. PLEASE#anyways im done sorry#my beloved#kip in a box#vampire wife#boxman saga#box thoughts#if you saw me post this before no you didnt lol#the dash is uncooperative so im doing it again dont @ me
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did another quick dhmis rewatch my thoughts are thusly:
duck and yellow friendship FOREVER I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
duck best character ever created ever invented
red guy still scares me and i had to skip the end of transport bc he made me so uncomfortable.
like somehow this rewatch made me like him LESS and he was already my least fave of the main 3
baker terry i love you goodnite
#LIKE. I STOPPED IT EVRY 5 MINUTES TO EXPLAIN TO MY BABY SISTER HOW THIS EP IS DUCK CENTRIC AND HOW THIS AND THAT#and at one point she was like yeah RG kinda got the shaft this series huh?#and i was like oh shut upp he has so many episodes. like uh. transport. and uh. idk but he HAS them ur gonna have to ask someone who#has him as a favorite#bc to ME transport ep is and always is duck and yellow have a fun cute time in the foreground while red guy loses his shit in the bg#HES JUST SO DISTURBING TO ME IN THAT EPPP#STOP SINGING DISSTRESSEDLY YOURE SCARING ME!!#STOP BEING SO DESPERATE AND RESTLESS AND AGITATED!!!#we are IN THE KITCHEN having a fun time COUNTING THINGS on the CLIPBOARD and you literally sound like ur gonna kill someone#stop !!!!!!!!! ffs!!!!!!!!!!!!!#STOP GRABBING STUFF STOP HITTING THINGS UR NOT DOING IT IN A COMEDIC WAY!!!!#scawy................#anyways dont ever watch dhmis with me im so fucking annoying about it#as a joke my sister said one of ducks lines along with him and then i just quoted him like .5 seconds before his actual lines for the rest#of jobs.#WHO CAN QUOTE DUCK THE FASTEST IS NEVER A GAME I /WANT/ TO PLAY BUT IT IS A GAME I PLAY AND WIN EVERY TIME#>:U STOP FORMING A BOND WITH THEM!!!#anyways. red guy maybe try not being so tall and big and scary and maybe ill like you better next time#my postings
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Super heavy vent ahead in the tags
#bird chirps#vent#Talking about political stuff and suicidal ideation#But genuinely I cant anymore with this election. Im fucking terrified#Granted my dad’s a major pessimist and I think he lowkey enjoys others suffering#So his passionate rants about how we have no future and life isnt worth it if Trump wins definitely isnt helping#But holy shit Im actually terrified#Im trying to not crawl into the pit of despair but I really don’t know how life can go on worst case scenario#I cant delay my life four more years minimum for another recession/depression#I cant stay in this house and watch my rights get taken away#Theres just so much shit to be afraid of#And granted I live in a swing state. I think its still a swing state anyway since we tend to vote republican#So the campaigning here gets brutal#But it’s hard to stay positive when it seems like EVERYONE irl is so fucking pro trump#Im just praying theres a silent majority and that isnt the case#But God I cant fucking do this man#Situations where you have little to no control over the outcome are a fucking nightmare#I can vote so at least that’s something. But thats not enough to ease the anxiety#I need the outcome to be GUARENTEED and thats just not gonna happen#So I just sit here as shit gets worse and it’s harder to keep calm#And I dont have a good track record of having Safe Mental Health while in election times#So this just. Really fucking sucks#I hate when I get like this because it feels like such a major step back#And with an event THIS big its hard to push it all away as irrational and a mental health issue#Because my brain goes ‘Well LOGICALLY you WONT be able to go on so this is a correct way to think’#I hate it so fucking much#If Trump wins Ill pick up smoking or something. Fuck it#Deciding on an action like THAT is still less destructive than full on suicide plan#But I just. I cant fucking do this#Can I teleport to 2028 and just pray everythings okay
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so magical that yakuza 1 and shadow the hedgehog came out the same year........ 2005 the best year for sega honestly.....
#snap chats#AND DAYS APART TOO IN JAPAN (rgg1 dec. 8 while shadow was dec. 15)#the gap is significantly wider for US releases but thats not important.....#japanese kids were winning on christmas i swear#'snap why are you bringing this up' isnt it obvious. i am playing shadow the hedgedhog#and i keep thinking about daigo playing shadow and then later down the line just talking to mine bout it cause he can be a lil sillay#i hope he had dreams where he and shadow got to be besties. and by Him And Shadow i mean he dreams himself as sonic#because obligatory Same VA Joke Is Obligatory IF WE CAN GET ONE (1) W FROM RCS VOICING DAIGO. LET IT BE THAT AT LEAST.#for me..... let it slide for me..... yes ik it was jason griffith voicing sonic (and shadow) back then but let it slide this once..#i refuse to acknowledge modern shadow. unless it's from that one uhhh fuck what was the cartoon called#its on netflix Point Is the one time shadow was actually like his old self girl i sobbed. too bad sonic was a dipshit though#a soul for a soul ig.... i think its ok just this once....#im getting so off topic but this is how i inflict my other interests upon you lot#i trap you into reading a post vaguely about rgg and then i make it about something else :)#look at my pfp you fool. i legally have to talk about shadow the hedgehog like once a month ok let me have this#while im here. like /i/ know this game is nine years long but sometimes i forget HOW long#326 endings and for what. because they love me thats why.#fym 'revenge at last' is only ending 11 that seems like the third route or so you'd take (only black doom missions)#ok ive talked long enough. anyway bye im gonna uhhhh god idk.... i keep getting distracted#i started watching kagerou while my sister was playing mysims the other day but i got too engrossed by her playing to continue#mysims was like. A White Whale of sorts in my house for a while since it was one of like five games my sis actually played#and it was her fave but one day 1.) we lost it 2.) our wii stopped working. since that day she's blamed me for losing it#WELL then i found it and i got the wii u working SO all that can stop now 👁️👁️ ok ive fr gone on too long#unfortunately i cant talk about EVERYTHING i want to lest i just turn this into a general games blog. but i wont i prommy#for now. bye fr i think my sis just got home actually LMAO
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dust has definitely killed killer before fighting over papyrus's scarf. killer and dust both have opposing views on papyrus's scarf. killer doesnt like seeing others wear it and (SHUT UP I KNOW ITS NOT CANON!!!!) dust wears it in papyrus's honor and probably for self comfort. killer even ripping a thread on the scarf warrants dust to break his hand (because killer has his silly little backstory where he did the genos and everything hes wayyy more violent towards him than horror bc horror didn't kill everyone (HYPOCRITE!!! HYPOCRITE!!!!)) anyways when killer touches dust's scarf is one of probably the few times he can't win a fight against him
perchance i think dust should get to tear apart killer's soul right infront of his eyes while he screams in pain and dust gives him the coldest look ever to exist (and horror was watching with popcorn :3)
#dont worry killer has checkpoints!#is the process of dying and having to load something killer would avoid#because i dont assume it would? like killer already doesn't give two shits about the pain that fighting would give#i'm sure if he knew that dust was absolutely 500% not gonna give him a chance to win he'd try to back out of the fight somehow#probably by trying to restrain dust or wear him out because dust is genuinely that furious and killer KNOWS he cant win#killer may have 9999 whatever bullshit LV but screw that i wanna put them all on the same power level for fun!#sadly killer will not get out of this one so easily. and then dust manages to turn him into nothing but a bleeding black mess#it is GOREY and MESSY horror is able to watch it straight faced because he's used to gore#i dont think killer would like to die unnecessarily because like. who would ngl. killer's fucked up but not THAT fucked up#but he's already careless with his life anyways so why would he be afraid of death if he can just come back#now im imagining killer letting horror and dust kill him whenever he feels like shit#or when they just need to let some anger out or whatever :3 true love ig idk#horrordust piecing together killer's dismembered and disfigured body like a puzzle :3#where can killer summon save points and that shit anyways??? is it only in smth new??? idk whatever its everywhere in this one ig#anyways i dont think mtt would EVER reach that state of closeness unless its been like 8 years#and they somehow managed not to kill themselves and eachother in the processes idk#oooohhh i reaaaally like the idea of killer letting horrordust kill him#itd be rare that they actually manage to get him off guard and kill him legitimately#but maybe he does it to get their hopes up or smth. when theyre fighting and he wants to toy with them#they know killer will come back. but they still brutalize him and go all out just to hear that beautiful crack#killer's most beautiful when his face is bashed open in horror's eye ❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙#dust would prefer it when killer's legs are broken because then he cant run 💜💙💜💙💜💙#least violent mtt interaction#triglycercule this is a bit VIOLENT??? i know i'm concerned too#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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i love being so goddamn neurodivergent about my career i love getting an email from someone i admire that i'm networking with and legit having to sit on the floor stimming for a solid minute before i can actually read the email and respond like a normal professional and yes i mean this one hundred percent unironically. turning my hyperfixation into a career is the best decision i've ever made and it's not making me any less neurodivergent about it. and now it's time to flap my hands for a solid minute again
#GUESS WHO GOT AN EMAIL BACK FROM SCOTT THOMPSON!!!!#and!!!! i have another zoom with paul bellini tomorrow!!!#and i'm still processsing how great my last zoom with bruce was two days ago#and i still have to email nick mckinney about the buddy cole doc (nick mckinney produced comedy punks and is mark mckinney's brother)#i am being so fucking adhd about all of this. winning at hyperfixation. winning at kids in the hall fan.#how has it only been a fucking year since i watched comedy punks for the first time#im gonna start crying kith has legit changed my life forever and i'm so happy
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its 12am i already missed like three+ assignments i need to bash my head into the wall real quick just let me-
#IN MY DEFENSE.#this time it wasnt bc of tf#well it partially was like im not even gonna try hiding it#bUT it wasnt the main reason! i consider that a win#i am so fucking glad i actually locked in for the first two periods now i cant sit down and watch it all burn with no worries#yippie#man if i do actually have any kind of neurodivergence and i can get treatment for it theres no way ill miss the opportunity#i wont be able to keep living like this lmao
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We got koby today.... tashigi could cut the hand like zoro did in dressrosa but we got koby today....
#they blew helmeppo up!!! damn.... rip helmeppo#couldn't garp pull these moves in marineford like damn#<- constant complaint even if there are justifiable reasons#idc what happened he should have stepped up!!!#like okay good for this guy with the green hair who just appeared saving the people on the ship#but like tashigi (and the other two FEMALE marine officers <- i think thats an important remark) is there too...#she never gets time to shine and now is waiting with the others to be saved. come on now....#the baby and old man lesson paralel is a slay im gonna give them that#KUZAN FUCKING IMPALED GARP??????#damn. now i guess the party is going to get started#in egghead at least#tashigi gets me up the walls honestly. i believe zoro didnt get more story in wano simply bc she wasnt there and his arc evolves#with hers because obviously it fucking does. they got something in punk hazard but again tashigi loses for zoro's development#and i do not want that. but otherwise tashigi goes nowhere every time she appears. since arabasta when she declares shes goint#to get stronger practically nothing has happened or wr havent been shown how she achieved that and now we get koby development in one ep#like can i get some spare change for tashigi.... crumbs.... something....#bc how can she win??? literally how. if her path to what she wants is blocked by two swordsmen at least. and as a captian in the marines by#fucking koby. what is going on with her??#idk what im saying anymore but yeah. tashigi please#i dont care about koby i get him as a character but it i do not care about him#like maybe i care more about garp bc i can hate him so much akdjakak and i do enjoy him as a character i get him. but koby?? idc#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1122#also relating to the post text i get how the plot is to paralel koby to garp but..... tashigi could have done something... anything at all
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Haven’t been this of an emotional wreck for a while but now I feel like Im gonna be randomly tearing up throughout the whole day, and the reason? Fucking sports 😂😂
It's kinda hilarious tbh. I haven’t cried on my cousin's wedding two days ago but I did after our National man's volleyball team finally, fucking finally, won their quarterfinal at the olimpics just now, because they haven’t been able to do that for fucking five consecutive times, last three of which Ive watched and seen them completely wrecked about after and Im just--
Im so happy for them 🥹🥹🥹
#personal#Im not a huge sports fan#but Ive always been a fan of our national mans volleyball team#we've had such huge hopes for Tokyo and then that did work our#but that didnt work out*#but today they finally won and Im just#oh my god#and the way Kubi was there and hugging Kurek after?? he was so happy for him too Im---#my heart hurts for Kubi bcs olympic medal was his dream and it didn’t work out in Tokyo#but Kurek and the wholw team have a chance now and I believe with my wholw heart they wont let this chance go#gosh Im gonna be emotional about it for the whole day 🙈🙈🙈#and then there's Bieniu with his ankle right at the end of the match ;_;#gosh I Hope its nothing too serious#bcs apparently Hubi has some problems and then we'd be without one middle blocker and that#nope not gonna consider that!#Fornal's back so that's Amazing#but he had enough time to recover which Bieniu might not have and Im#extremely worried about him#but we have to wait for official news after they do some tests and see what exactly happened with his ankle#fucking hell...#anyway I'll prob watch the other quarterfinals that are today#see who else wins and could be a potential rival later on#and then there are our ladies tomorrow which im also cheering on#hopefully its gonna be a good year for our volleball team!!#teams!*#and it was lovely seeing Iga with the guys after taking pictures too 😄
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#delete later#well its been an interesting brain day. couldnt get my nails to feel equal so chewed them all off#then saw a silverfish and had to move my mattress and fully clean oit under my bed bc i couldnt stop thinking about them under there#so. I definitely didn't win today. and am exhausted. my knee is aching abd my hip feels fucked up. i feel more relaxed about the#bugs thing but its getting into spider paranoia and ive been Seeing Things in rhe corner of my eye the last week or so#so its not gonna be great! i hate the summer. i hate it. my ocd gets so mych fucking worse. ive been scratching more bc#i feel grimy and the intrusive spider thoughts are jumping every time i leave the flat. so i gotta do that more. the one upside#to tearing my nails down is i xant scratch myself. but also cant give the cat those good good scritches. oh and they hurt so#i hate the summer!!! it makes me want to hang every piece of fabric where it cant touch anything else so i can watch it all and ensure#its clean and safe!!!! but thats giving into the compulsion so i cant!!! so i just do my stupid lil brain shouting and ignore dark shapes#in the corner of my vision and it's FINE#ITS FINE. it will be. ive survived every summer thus far and im in a better mental headspace than ever before so defo will this one#also my piercing is finally starting to chill this week so that's good. took me a bit to work oit a routine that works for it but#we got there. turns out it prefers normal water to saline unlike my seconds so i do one of eavh once a day and amy additional#irrotation i just srick my ear under rhe tap. genuinly working wonders#tw silverfish#tw spiders#tw arachnophobia#tw scratching
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honestly should've fucking expected a leak in the ceiling with how much every ounce of this world wants me to suffer.
#vent#im really gonna do it#its just. whats the point anymore.#thinking ''oh maybe if i wait long enough itll get better'' is just stupid even for me.#it doesn't get better. it doesn't heal. it just festers and eats away at you until there's nothing left.#until you're just another number. a statistic in the news. how dare you tell me they'll care afterwards when they sure as hell don't now?#i was watching gothamchess once and something he said stood out to me.#he said he watched a video from some pro tennis player and /she/ said that her experience with winning and losing was that.#winning didn't make her feel happy. it was a relief. but losing made her feel very sad.#that stood out to me because thats how i feel about everything.#making a mario maker level. beating a baba is you puzzle. doing my job. hell even playing minecraft for fun feels like that.#i finish something in my base and it doesn't make me happy to see what i can build. its just ''fucking finally. its done.''#theres just. no point to what i do other than to waste time.#why don't i just do something right for once and finally leave this hellhole.
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i wish i could be like "people with victim complexes dni" because at this point it's just infuriating how often we gotta deal with that kinda shit when we bust our ass to remain polite and civil as we're actively invalidated and treated like shit while we're openly unstable and dealing with the darkest year of our life. needless headache, man.
#mine#people really put a needless extra layer of pressure & strain on us#& we literally don't even fucking retaliate. we just VERY POLITELY say that it's hurtful to pull that crap on us#when we're clearly in a very bad vulnerable way. & then they turn around & demonize us#& go so ridiculously far like... bruh. i cant anymore.#idk how much longer anyone else in the system is gonna be able to keep holding me back when this has happened to us REPEATEDLY too damn muc#like fuck watching my host go through such brutal depression & having it fueled for no fucking reason i wanna start biting people#we literally fucking say PLEASE and THANK YOU and are so fucking stupidly polite when it is frankly not even deserved#but we're so paranoid abt this exact shit happening and it still does any fucking way like holy shit#talk about not fucking being able to win no matter what.#i need people with victim complexes to just fuck off and leave us alone because i will not be able to keep holding back#like if it gets to a point where it starts triggering me out so fucking be it im not holding back anymore. yall can eat my shit.#these people literally watch a mentally unstable person absolutely wail in agony then make their pain about them#and how we aren't doing enough FOR THEM during such a hard time.#but then also turn around and say that if we acknowledge we're being hurt by their behavior WE'RE the one#who has a victim complex and makes everything about us like oh my god. kindly get over yourself and fuck off fuck you fucking bullshit FUCK#ANYWAY#IDEK WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO WITH OURSELVES TODAY TO ENSURE LUNS DOESNT FRONT IM ANGRY#AND I HAVE TO CALL IN OUR MEDS. GODDAMMIT BEING A PERSON BULLSHIT
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