#i was watching gothamchess once and something he said stood out to me.
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honestly should've fucking expected a leak in the ceiling with how much every ounce of this world wants me to suffer.
#vent#im really gonna do it#its just. whats the point anymore.#thinking ''oh maybe if i wait long enough itll get better'' is just stupid even for me.#it doesn't get better. it doesn't heal. it just festers and eats away at you until there's nothing left.#until you're just another number. a statistic in the news. how dare you tell me they'll care afterwards when they sure as hell don't now?#i was watching gothamchess once and something he said stood out to me.#he said he watched a video from some pro tennis player and /she/ said that her experience with winning and losing was that.#winning didn't make her feel happy. it was a relief. but losing made her feel very sad.#that stood out to me because thats how i feel about everything.#making a mario maker level. beating a baba is you puzzle. doing my job. hell even playing minecraft for fun feels like that.#i finish something in my base and it doesn't make me happy to see what i can build. its just ''fucking finally. its done.''#theres just. no point to what i do other than to waste time.#why don't i just do something right for once and finally leave this hellhole.
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