#fuck rob thomas for killing all his gays

[asexual-juliet]

rob thomas doesn’t know cassidy casablancas was queer but he absolutely was

[queer-coded-camaro-driver]

Queer Metalhead History

It’s time for a brief lesson about the history of queerness and metal music. That’s right, the metal and queer communities are old friends and allies. 

So, the leather community has been around since the late 1920′s/early 1930′s, but leather bars specifically became more popular in the late 1950′s. And you know who was hanging out at leather bars? Gay bikers and veterans, who needed safe places to gather during McCarthyism and the Lavender Scare. In fact, the Satyr Motorcycle Club, the oldest gay biker club in the United States, was recently inducted into the Leather Hall of Fame.

And who was spending time in those clubs and with those gangs? Rob Halford, lead singer and songwriter for the legendary heavy metal band (and my personal favorite band of all time) Judas Priest. His song “Raw Deal” (1977) includes the line: “The true free expression I demand is human rights” and references “Fire Island”, a popular gay hangout in New York. 

He stated in a 2019 interview: “I urge people, LGBTQ, any of us that are still trying to find that moment to break down the door … step forward and say, 'This is who I am and I’m proud of who I am. I'm not going to be intimidated. I'm not going to live in fear. I'm not going to put everybody else before me.”

In 2020 he was interviewed by Rolling Stone and said: “Everything changes when you hit the stage. Just getting out there and holding a mic, there’s something very tangible that shifts in me and suddenly it’s the Metal God. It’s a bit like when Superman went into the phone booth and came out. Whereas he came out in a cape and tights, I come out in leather chaps.”

The title “Metal God” comes from Priest’s sixth studio album, British Steel, which was released in 1980. The album cover depicts a man’s hand holding a razor blade and wearing a spiked leather cuff on his wrist; Halford’s experiences in the leather community forever affected the metal community, who picked up on this trend quickly and spread it through the culture. 

He posted selfies with his favorite cat t-shirts through the entirety of the COVID-19 lockdown, for fuck’s sake, and swaps book recommendations with his life partner, Thomas. 

And yet the metal community remains largely homophobic, with Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx using the f-slur repeatedly, the infamous “AIDS Kills F***s” t-shirt worn by Skid Row’s guitarist Sebastian Bach, and plenty of other examples should you care to learn more. 

This Pride Month, as a metalhead raised by an 80′s metalhead who took my queer ass to see Judas Priest a few years back (love you Dad), let’s say thank you to this badass “stately homosexual”. Let’s remember who’s predominantly responsible (not entirely, but he helped A LOT) for the leather aesthetic in metal. For some of the queerest lyrics of all time (Grinder, anyone? Perhaps Hell Bent for Leather?). For being a general badass Metal God.

Rock on, Rob Halford.

[neroushalvaus]

Top 10 favourite characters from any fandom

I was tagged by @limalepakko , thank you! Since I have recently listed male characters here (or you know, in August, but we all know time hasn't been a thing for many moons), I took the liberty to list characters in general this time. I also went with which characters feel right at the moment, so does not show all my favourites. I also try to keep these short. (edit: okay so these are not remotely short, I will post a list first and have the explanations be under the cut, read if you want to hear my ramblings c': )

1. Fantine, Les Misérables 2. Javert / Jean Valjean, Les Misérables (yes i am cheating) 3. Carrie "Big Boo" Black, Orange Is the New Black 4. Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's Marple 5. Aunt Lydia, The Handmaid's Tale 6. Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones books & movies 7. Rock Lee, Naruto 8. Sarah O'Brien, Downton Abbey 9. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables / Anne with an E 10. Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

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1. Fantine, Les Misérables

I love Fantine with all my heart. I remember reading Les Mis for the first time and her story sending chills down my spine. Her character development makes me so sad, from a girl who falls hard and fast and won't deny anything from her lover, to a woman who is so beaten down by society that she can't do anything but laugh at her fate. But I love how she doesn't lose her pride or her fighting spirit and how she still has the guts to spit in Valjean's face when she sees him after being arrested. And I love how all she does is for her daughter and how despite selling "the gold on her head and the pearls in her mouth" she is content, because all that matters to her is that Cosette will live.

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2. Javert & Jean Valjean, Les Misérables

I was really trying to limit this list to one character per fandom, but alas, I am but a weak little person. Thus, I am cheating already. The thing is that when it comes to Les Mis characters, Fantine, Javert and Valjean are the eternal top 3 for me, but I'm never quite able to say who I love the most. Last time I picked Javert for the male character meme because I love the symbolism and critique of society his character embodies, but let it be known that Jean Valjean is the best character in all of literature and I will fight you on this. The original soft on crime icon (aside from Jesus Christ but they're the same and you know it). Valjean's character journey is such a complicated one from an ordinary man (no worse than any man) to a person, who had been shaped by society and criminal justice system to be a very dangerous man, to someone you could compare to a saint if you wanted to... To an ordinary man, who would do anything for his daughter. He has so many character-defining moments, the biggest ones being in my opinion the trial of Champmathieu and letting Javert go instead of killing him. I just love Jean Valjean so much and could speak about him for hours.

*

3. Carrie "Big Boo" Black, Orange Is the New Black

Hopping away from the Les Mis hole and into a OITNB hole. I was debating on whether I'd put Boo or Pennsatucky on this list since I love them both so much, but I've been feeling so much love for my angry butch king that it had to be her. First of all, I'm just so happy to see butch lesbian representation where the butch identity is not just a joke. I know OITNB sometimes uses Boo questionably, but in general she is a nuanced character and one of the most interesting ones in the series in my opinion. I'm so sad they forgot all about her on the last seasons. I love everything about her, how she has trouble with feelings besides anger and often deflects serious stuff through humor, how fiercely protective she is of those she loves (boosatucky otp forever fucking fight me), how proud she is of her butch identity ("i refuse to be invisible")... Also, not to express attraction, but... Mama I'm in love with a criminal. And not to be a slut for how characters view religion/spirituality/God, but the relieved smile she has in one of her flashbacks when she says "there's no God... there's nothing", like you can't just do stuff like that and expect me not to love the character to bits.

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4. Jane Marple, Agatha Christie's Marple

Last time I listed Poirot and was a bit frustrated I couldn't list Marple, but now it's time to right that wrong! I love this little old lady so much. I love Agatha Christie so much for just going "you know who is the person who knows everything that's going on in a community, and thus would make the perfect detective for a detective story? the nosy old woman". As she is introduced in The Murder at the Vicarage: "Miss Marple is a white-haired old lady with a gentle, appealing manner — Miss Weatherby is a mixture of vinegar and gush. Of the two Miss Marple is much more dangerous." She is so likable and witty, you can't help but love her. My favourite portrayal of her is by Geraldine McEwan, she looks so gentle but has such a sharp gaze. I would spill all my secrets to her any day. I also am compelled to tell you that when I was a child we had a costume party at my school and I dressed up as Marple and learned some old lady things in English (it was before third grade so I didn't know much English back then) just for the occasion (such as "thank you, my dear", "what a lovely necklace you are wearing" or "there has been a murder"). Teacher might have thought me rather morbid but I remember that day being quite good.

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5. Aunt Lydia, The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid's Tale is such a great series and a book and Aunt Lydia is such a great character. The way she's capable of being absolutely cruel and vicious, but how she is also protective and caring in her own way. One of my favourite scenes in this series is when Serena Joy (my other favourite, can you tell) tells Lydia to "remove the damaged ones" from a line of handmaids and Lydia tries to argue with her. Sure, she is responsible for some of the punishments these women are now "damaged" by, but she truly believes those punishments were for a greater good and now the handmaids deserve their place with the others as much as anyone else. It is chilling and the character is such a dark shade of morally gray, but I can't get enough of it. The actress who plays her, Ann Dowd, has so interesting thoughts about her, like here. I just love this character so much I could scream.

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6. Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones books & movies

I'm mostly talking about the movies here because Renée Zellweger's performance is iconic. Plus the movies are what made me love this character first. But I'll give it to the books, they're one of the few books I've laughed out loud while reading. Anyway, how do you even begin explaining the love I have for Bridget Jones... I love how she is a character so many people can relate but who would be a comic relief side character in some other story. Yes, yes, it is really bad that she is constantly described as fat when she really is not, but when I was growing up she gave me hope that people who are viewed as fat and/or unattractive by other people can be admired and appreciated, and they don't have to be super talented at everything and highly intelligent and some kind of a super smooth social butterfly to "make up" for what they "lack". And also that they can have standards (i once dodged a bullet by rejecting someone by pretty much subconsciously quoting Bridget Jones so..). I also love how the comedic tone of everything does not dismiss Bridget's feelings. For example in some other movie we maybe would concentrate on how "stupid" Bridget was to trust that Daniel was in love with her, but in Bridget Jones we concentrate on how Bridget was hurt by Daniel cheating on her, how he is the one who did wrong. Idk I just love Bridget Jones so very much can you tell.

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7. Rock Lee, Naruto

Aka the boy who would have kicked Madara in the balls if Kishimoto had any sense of drama and good storytelling. I think I robbed Lee by not putting him on the fav male characters list. You know that post that goes like "gays be like 'these are my comfort characters', 1 literal ray of sunshine, 2 war criminal" etc? This child is the sunshine. I've been reading and watching Naruto again ( @hapanmaitogai is my sideblog for that nonsense) and I'm so ready to adopt Lee and/or Gai. Rock Lee is just such an earnest character, he has a goal he will give anything to achieve and he's the one true underdog in this manga. I love how he's so kind and polite (it's not so clear in English but in the Finnish translation he speaks as formally as he does in Japanese, he uses singular polite "you", calls Sakura "Sakura-neiti" = "Miss Sakura" etc... i love one polite boy). Also, he has the best fights in the series. Like Lee vs Gaara is a Classic, but we simply can't forget that time Lee absolutely crushed Sasuke in just a few minutes, or that time he politely asked Kimimaro not to kill him while he drinks his medicine. The best boy. I love that boy so much.

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8. Sarah O'Brien, Downton Abbey

Last time it was Thomas' turn, so now I must talk about the snakiest snake, the queen of weaponized handmaidenry, Miss O'Brien. She is such a great character especially in the first two seasons (I obviously love her on season three as well but Julian Fellowes really tried to make it hard by not explaining her actions at all, didn't he. Well, luckily I am ready to stuff the gaps with my headcanons). She has some of the best comebacks in the series and brings some needed realism in some conversations. I also love how she uses her position as a lady's maid for her advantage and how she is proud of her profession despite being highly aware of the power structures in the Abbey. And then there is the soap. That is such a good character moment, because for a character who always plans ahead, who is ruthless and cunning and intelligent... I don't think O'Brien thought about the soap thing at all before she left the room ("Sarah O'Brien, this is not who you are" hit me like a train). Just once she did something with nothing but anger motivating her and that became one of the defining moments of her character. And one of the defining things of the future relationship between her and Cora. That's why I find the Sarah/Cora ship so interesting, because there will always be the undercurrent of bitter regret. Also Sarah O'Brien and Thomas Barrow are the greatest brotp and Fellowes was a coward for driving the smoking scheming gay best friends apart, and

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9. Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables / Anne with an E

I'm not saying L.M. Montgomery is entirely responsible for me having a fondness for strict, older women who first act unkind but have a heart of gold, but she most certainly did not help. Between characters like Marilla Cuthbert and Elizabeth Murray, how can you not fall in love with the type? It's been a while since I read the Anne series, but I really love how Marilla's character has been adapted into the Anne with an E tv series. Geraldine James looks like she was born to play her, she has me in tears so often. She has the ability to portray someone like Marilla, who is a very hard and stern person but feels deeply for her loved ones. I was watching the episode that dealt with Matthew's heart attack and Marilla berating her brother while hugging herself like she was trying so hard to hold herself together absolutely destroyed my heart.

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10. Sister Monica Joan, Call the Midwife

It was a tough choice between her and Sister Evangelina. I just love these nuns very much. Sister Monica Joan is such a lovable and wise character. She is so knowledgeable of many subjects, from the Bible to astrology, and I feel like her unspecified memory problems and confusion are handled very tastefully. I also love how she's such an important part of her community despite not working as a midwife anymore. She is such a kind woman and gets visibly upset when others are treated poorly. And how could I not mention her saying "I do not believe in weeds. A weed is simply a flower that someone decides is in the wrong place", like... I love her so so much.

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I won't tag anyone, but if you read this and you want to do this, consider yourself tagged and you're no allowed to mark me as the one who tagged you!

[vostokovasmelina]

henlo friend!!! congrats on 700!!!! I am so happy for you! Since i am a lil bitch for drama can you recommend me some movies to watch. both a happy and a sad ending work <3. thank you

thank you, fren!!

legit one of my favourite genres, so i collected a few of my favourites for you xx

1. phantom thread (2017) dir. paul thomas anderson

already talked about this movie about a hundred times

you can find my thoughts summed up here

god tier cinema

2. the social network (2010) dir. david fincher

also one of my favourite movies directed by one of my favourite directors and featuring one of my favourite actresses

a part of the a-man-gets-depressed-and-moody-after-his-break-up-with-rooney-mara cinematic universe

andrew garfield is so hot in this one

the only downside is that it has two more a*mie h*mmers in it than any film should (no, literally, he plays a set of twins)

if you ignore that, it is a masterpiece

m*rk z*ckerberg does not deserve this movie

3. kill your darlings (2013) dir. john krokidas

pretentious ass dark academia movie

but it’s stunning so–

gay™

daniel radcliffe is fucking gorgeous in this film wth

4. hereditary (2018) dir. ari aster

okay so this is one of the most terrifying horror movies i’ve ever seen and they usually don’t scare me

but it is also a very messy family drama

and one of the most original films i’ve ever seen?

if only ari aster weren’t ableist,,,,

5. stand by me (1986) dir. rob reiner

so before y’all (rightfully) accuse me of having a phobia of older movies, here you go

old ass adaptation of stephen king’s novella

but like, really good?

i first saw it as a kid and it changed me forever (meaning: it caused immense trauma)

it’s also kind of a lot of fun throughout but the bittersweet ending leaves you sad, so don’t fall into its trap

6. the death & life of john f. donovan (2018) dir. xavier dolan

controversial take

some people think it’s absolute garbage

but i believe they don’t fully understand this movie and honestly, good for them

but i felt seen watching this

this is my comfort movie and no one can change my mind about its absolute brilliance

7. the dressmaker (2015) dir. jocelyn moorhouse

my mum would let me watch literally anything as a kid/pre-teen,,,,

this movie is all kinds of crazy

it’s practically a tragicomedy with a good chunk of dark humour

so one of my favourite things ever!

you haven’t seen anything like this ever before

honestly, if you watch any movie on this list, let it be this one

i’m begging you

8. there will be blood (2007) dir. paul thomas anderson

lmao another film directed by paul thomas anderson and starring daniel day-lewis. we love to see it

i don’t know what to tell you other than to go and watch this absolute masterpiece

okay, maybe don’t rush it

get into the right mood cos this is a long and mostly character-driven ride

but it’ll be one of your favourite movies once you’re finished

or maybe not

but at least you’ll have seen it and that’s enough

[flintstill]

I was tagged a long ass time ago during 3 weeks of finals by @flintsredhair--thanks, Meg! 😘

rules: tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better

top 3 ships:  

Danny/Alex from London Spy. My truest pairing. Idk what it was about them but they just resonated so deeply with me. They were so different yet so fucking seen and accepted as they were by the other, and kind of saved each other. They were just what the other needed--and each really needed at the time they met. GOD they hurt. As much as the mystery conclusion of the plot was meh, the emotional one was so satisfying and validating for me. I’m sure this all probably says some kinds of things about me.

James/Miranda. Yeah it used to me FlinthamiltonS but I got and am so fucking sick of Miranda being pushed aside and invalidated that now James/Miranda themselves pushed back and pulled ahead. They were there first, and he definitely loved her and desired her sexually, and what he later had with Thomas doesn’t make that to have never happened, so 🖕

Idk if they’re an OTP, but right now I’m really into Joaquin/Kevin from Riverdale--of which I have never even seen a full episode, and have just seen their scenes from season 1. Because I’m thirsty for Joaquin (Rob Raco), and the way his biker gang member-ass looks at Kevin so sensually and softly in the little screen time he has gets my imagination going and leaves me wanting more

lipstick or chapstick: Chapstick--stay moist my friends

last song: My Spotify library is still going on shuffle from when I was working out. Adore You by Harry Styles is currently playing.

last movie: Actual movie? Probably All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (which we rewatched after the second one) on Valentine’s Day

reading: Nothing. School has killed that for me. I guess I’ve been meaning to finish Elaine Aaron’s The Highly Sensitive Person, but I havent picked it up for several months. That or The Charisma Myth on my Kindle cuz ya gurl was/is needing help in that area

Tagging: @istanstens, @gay-blasted, @sidewaystime @lycanandproud, @mshenkotrash, @buffalo-bilbo, @captain-lumberjack-fantasies, @conversationslikeminefields, and @vadered if any of you lot want to do it, as well as anyone else!

[votsalot]

Downton Abbey Oppositions Tag Game by @naevery​

I was tagged by @oleander4​ - thank you so much!

1. Favourite plotline from your least favourite season?

Season four is my least favorite because it’s a season of vacancies where they find themselves trying to replace three key players plot-wise with.....mixed...results. But one thing I think season 4 touched on that could’ve been really interesting was Jack and Rose; Jack was a total sweetheart, and a singer, and cute, and I think they deserved some more fleshing out and time on-screen instead of being something everyone forgot about. Downton Abbey generally needed more characters of color from season 1 onward, so Jack’s presence was very welcome. I wish he’d been given more love and respect from the writer’s room, though. There could’ve been a very nuanced portrayal of an interracial relationship from the 1920s, and they could’ve used it as an opportunity to give more roles of substance to actors of color. What we got wasn’t that.

2. Least favourite plotline from your favourite season?

My favorite season is season 2 --> I think my least favorite plot line was the Daisy / William “love” story. The whole thing is just super uncomfortable to sit through, and I feel bad for William because he’s a kid that’s drank the patriotism juice that everyone was loving in 1916, and you know he talks big about doing his bit but did he ever think he was really going to die?? And I feel bad for Daisy because she is only into him because Mrs. Patmore said he would die on front if she didn’t say she’d be his girl....and then be his fiancee...and then marry him....and yeah, she got a widow’s pension out of it, but I think the WIDOW variable kind of detracts from the $$$ part of that equation. Anyway. It’s sad from all angles and it fills me with a deep sense of second-hand dread.

3. What’s a quality that you actually like about (one of) your least favourite main/regular character(s)?

I like that Bates can pick locks and forge hand writing. We love some mischief. As wiser minds have said before me, rock solid evidence this man fucking killed his wife.

4. What’s your least favourite quality of your favourite character?

Least favorite quality of Thomas’s is when he’s intentionally cruel without any reason to be. For example, making light of Cora’s miscarriage and bullying Baxter in season 4/5. Sucks bad. 

5. What’s your favourite thing that your least favourite main/regular character has done?

My favorite thing Bates did was get Jimmy, Alfred, and O’Brien to cancel the “Fire Thomas” cavalcade. My feelings about why that parade was even a plot point in the first place are very complicated, but this was an efficient use of Saint Bates, even if looking back at it too closely tempts God to smite me by turning me into a pillar of salt. 

6.  What’s your least favourite thing that your favourite character has done?

My least favorite thing Thomas has ever done was write to the police that Baxter knew more about the murder of Mr. Green. I hate that whole story line. The show would be better on the whole if it didn’t happen, and season 4/5 could spend the extra time establishing that Edith is bisexual and making a bunch of gay writer friends instead. Anna never goes to prison. Rob James Collier delivered on the unhinged, “Because I FEEL like it,” though, so that’s something we could keep.

7. What’s a positive aspect about (one of) your least favourite ship(s)?

A positive aspect of Tom / Sarah Bunting is that Sarah Bunting was in proximity to Daisy and taught her to read. Run away, Miss Bunting. Onto a better show, where you lead marches and organize rallies and covertly teach kids about imperialism being evil instead of being the socialist strawman JF beats up at the dinner table.

8. What’s an aspect about your favourite ship that you don’t like?

An aspect of Thomas / Richard that I don’t like? They don’t spend enough time together. I think there should be a group proposal to fix this in Downton Abbey 2. Richard and Thomas should get two and a half hours of screen time, and then all the straight romances can get 5 minutes

Extra -

Matthew / Mary, I don’t like how the passion kind of goes *pffft* in season 3. They’re still cute, but instead of the longing and anguish over being apart, they’re arguing about what to do with Lavinia’s money....realistic? Yes. Sexy? Not to me, but if you think it is I unironically admire your ability to transmute the mundane. Bring back the psychic-connection-red-string-of-fate shivers, please.

9. What’s your favourite and least favourite styling/outfit of your favourite and/or least favourite character? (feel free to add pics if you want!)

Most of Thomas’s looks are iconic, he’s got his fingers on some kind of fashion pulse, which makes sense because that’s his job. He can’t have his bosses walking around looking bad. That being said...this is one of my favorites:

And I’m not really sure why. This is also good:

 Also his season 3 ensemble. Spiffy. And more or less every time he’s out of uniform, except for the whole striped ensemble in the season 3 Christmas Special. 

Striped suit ensemble is my least favorite styling. Take away the jacket, the hat - but that’s very 2020 of me to say.

More like this! 

And the wig in season 4...they spend so much money on wigs that look like a Marcel waves and you can’t tell they’re hairpieces, so why did the one they pick for RJC while his hair grew back look like that? Some sources said production spent 5,000 euros on it - I can’t think about it, it’s too painful.

tagging @sybbie-crawley​, @helpmemarty​, @waistcoat35​, @silentgirlspeaksout​ - you don’t have to do it, but if you’re looking for something to do!  Pass it along, this was fun.

[comradesummers]

3, 17, 27?

Hi, thank you for asking!

Top 5 underrated TV shows

Idk what really qualifies as underrated, but I’ll try my best.

1. Legends of Tomorrow

Like, outside of the cult following, people don’t give it credit for being one of the most creative and batshit crazy shows on TV. I think what really gets missed in the conversation about Legends, even when the show is brought up, is that it’s not just a weird, kooky show. I genuinely believe LoT is doing something that no other show on TV is doing rn. Like it may be silly, and not take itself too seriously, but it’s actually super creative, it tries new things, it takes risks that shows that take themselves more seriously don’t have the luxury of taking. It’s out there doing something genuinely different from the regular serialized drama format that’s overtaking television, and that’s unique and important and we should appreciate it more.  

2. Every show for or about women that’s ever been referred to as a “guilty pleasure” by men, including but not limited to: BtVS, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Jane the Virgin, Sex and the City (I haven’t even seen it, but I know that it changed television as we know it, and men still dismiss it as meaningless fluff), Gilmore Girls, and too many other shows to list here. All of them are underrated by assholes who think they’re too good for girl things.

3. Blackadder

Y’know, the concept of something being underrated is super weird, because like the question becomes: underrated by who? I mean, if you’re in the know about British comedies or whatever, then of course you know that Blackadder is one of the funniest and most innovative shows ever. But with everyone else I’ve talked to in real life, I’ve had to explain that Mr. Bean and Dr. House dress up in period costumes, and hang out with different important historical figures in British history, and it’s really funny and great (except for maybe the first season).  

4. Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23

And then on the other hand, I’m pretty sure a lot of people on Tumblr know what this show is, and know it’s hilarious, but I would still probably consider it underrated and pretty unknown outside of certain circles.

5. Sense8

Again, I’m not sure it’s underrated on Tumblr but more people need to see it, so I’m counting it. I like Sense8 for the same reason I like Legends: it took risks, and did things other shows weren’t doing, albeit on a much larger and more unruly budget, which is probably why it got cancelled. But it really was a great, if short lived show, and I wish it had gone on for longer.

Top 5 “deserved better” characters

1. Kendra Young

Yeah, so I think there are two reasons that Kendra’s death makes me so angry. The first being just how much potential was wasted with her death. Yeah, they made her do a goofy accent, but she was still a really interesting character. Her worldview was completely entrenched in that of the Council. She was raised by them, and had never rebelled like Giles had. She would have made an amazing contrast to Buffy and the gang, but I also think there’s a really great story there about her coming to terms with just how exploited by those assholes she had been. Also, her dynamic with Buffy was already fascinating, and I think they had really good chemistry (I ship it).

The other reason her death makes me so angry is that she is the most obvious example of the horrendous treatment of people of color on BtVS. It really is unacceptable how white that show is, and once the writers finally did create an interesting and powerful (if admittedly pretty stereotypical) woman of color, they killed her off after three episodes. Kendra deserved better just like every other non-white character on BtVS deserved better.

2. Meg Manning and Paker Lee

(Yeah, I’m cheating, it’s a tie.) So one of the main issues that I have with Veronica Mars is that there just aren’t that many women on the show. With the exception of Veronica herself, most of the main characters are men, and most of Veronica’s important relationships, be they romantic, familial, or platonic, are with men.

The female characters we do have either have very little screentime, in spite of their considerable awesomeness (Mac and Jackie). Or, in the case of Meg and Parker, are used and disposed of according to the needs of the plot, often to create drama in Veronica’s love life. Meg surviving the bus crash, only to be killed off once she’d given birth, basically because she was no longer relevant to the Duncan/Veronica story is super icky and gross. And Parker getting dismissed as nothing more than road bump in LoVe’s story by both the show and the fandom drives me a little crazy, especially considering how she was introduced to the show.

Also, while we’re at it, every single ‘feminist’ character in season 3 deserved better from Rob Thomas.

3. Tara Maclay

She deserved to live, and we the viewers deserved better than Bury Your Gays.

4. Martha Jones

I mean, Martha Jones deserved better from the fandom more than anything else. And I’m adding her to the list because I’m one of the many people who owes Martha and Freema Agyeman an apology. I was like 12 when I watched Doctor Who for the first time, and I totally bought into the racist sexist bullshit (she’s boring, why is she in love with the Doctor, etc.). To be fair, I also bought into a lot of sexist bullshit when it came to Rose, so I hated her too, but obviously Martha got the shorter end of the stick, because of racism, and she deserved so, so much better.

5. Donna Noble

Fuck the amnesia bullshit and erasing her character development. Why did they have to do this to her? What possible purpose did it serve? Why not just give her a reason to leave and go home like every other companion? Wtf was the point? Was it just so that the doctor would have manpain about it?

Nevermind, I think I just answered my own question.

Top 5 brotps

Ok, not including any relationships I view as purely familial (Dawn and Buffy, Giles and Buffy, Tara and Dawn, Holt and anybody, etc.). Friendships only.

1. Buffy and Willow

Buffy and Willow love each other so much, and they hurt each other a lot too. This relationship isn’t simple and sweet, it starts out that way, but it becomes difficult, and they both do things to one another that I don’t think either one of them ever fully forgives the other for. But even still, at their worst, they love each other so deeply and so completely. This relationship is at the core of the show, I think. It’s arguably the first relationship the show establishes, and the one it spends most time on. The ups and downs are painful, but they feel real (even when they involve things like bringing someone back from the dead without their consent or whatever). And through it all, they never stop loving each other. As flawed as it may be, I think it’s also one of the most complex, interesting, and important relationships between two women ever on television. And that’s worth celebrating.

2. Jane and Petra

So I’ve been on a bit of a Jane the Virgin kick lately, and I’ll be honest, I can’t decide if this is a brotp or an otp. But I love Petramos too, so let’s go with brotp.

In any case, these two were pretty much my endgame for the show. I really didn’t care who Jane ended up with (unless it was Petra, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen), and I got sick of her love triangle real quick (to be fair, I just really can’t stand love triangles, which is why I didn’t give the show a shot for a long time). As for Petra, I just really wanted her to have a healthy relationship with someone, and Jane seemed to be the only person who seemed interested in having a healthy relationship with her.

Plus their dynamic is just amazing and hilarious. My favorite scenes in the show are always when they’re on screen together. The way they grudgingly grow to care about and love each other is genuinely sweet and well developed. And I love how even when they do become friends, their basic moral divide never changes. They still disagree very strongly about certain things, but they love each other regardless. And btw, the scene where they say “I love you” to each other for the first time might be my favorite “I love you” scene ever, platonic or otherwise.

I just love them so much.

3. Gurl Group (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend)

This is another show about romance where I’m far more invested in the female friendship than I am in any of the romances, but to be fair, I think CxG kind of wants you to do that anyway.

Regardless, I love everyone in this Gurl Group, individually and together. And their individual relationships are already fascinating. Like, Rebecca and Valencia’s frienship is pure enemies to lovers friends bliss and I love it. Rebecca and Paula’s relationship is the heart of the show, and like Buffy and Willow, this relationship is often difficult and complicated, but the love is always there. And we never had enough scenes of Heather and Valencia interacting. Every scene where they were together was pure comedic gold. And the group together as a whole was just so powerful and amazing to behold.

4. Amy and Rosa

They do not have enough scenes together. This relationship deserves the same amount of care and development as Jake and Charles get. Melissa and Stephanie have great chemistry. And like, their characters are so different, so the contrast is always so funny. But they also love each other, and support each other, and it’s so much fun to watch. I need 10000% more Amy/Rosa content.

5. Buffy and Veronica

This one’s probably also cheating because it’s a crossover and all, but I’m just kind of obsessed with the idea of them meeting, sparks flying, enemies to lovers friends, the works. They would just have such a fantastic dynamic. Like, think of all the verbal sparring that we would be blessed with. Think of all the drama and angst of them coming to understand and respect each other. If there is one crossover that I would will into existence if I could, it would definitely be this one.

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

Ghosts of the Shadow Market Review!

My first book of the Read to Roll challenge is Ghosts of the Shadow Market by Cassandra Clare, Sarah Rees Brennan, Maureen Johnson, Kelly Link, and Robin Wasserman. 

Look at Jem! I love my son!

Here we are at the pond! Fun fact: Cassandra Clare allegedly lives in the town next to mine. I kinda really hate it. 

I actually finished reading this a while ago, but I got caught up with school and the library book is due tomorrow, so I guess we’re doing this review tonight, bitches! 

First: I LOVED this book!! I have my issues with CC and it took me literally took me like 9 months to finish reading QOAAD (which I also enjoyed, I just couldn’t get through) but I FLEW through this book! I think maybe the short story format just fits my brain a bit better. I’m gonna break this down by story:

Cast Long Shadows

Matthew!! My child!! I want to hug you so much!! 

This story stood out to me as particularly hopeless, especially compared to the rest of the stories. It ended in total despair, and I understand Matthew did something VERY VERY BAD but he is a dumb child and dumb 15 year olds do a lot of dumb things so 

I really hope he gets some sort of resolution in TLH

This bitch deserves happiness 

Also he’s defo not straight?? like no straight boi is THAT into oscar wilde

i kinda ship him with thomas

Every Exquisite Thing

SOOO PURE!!!!!

WE STAN SUPPORTIVE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!

This story was like a breath of fresh air compared to the last

It doesn’t really connect to the overarching plot at ALL (every other story does, correct me if I’m wrong) but i’m okay with it because anna lightwood is incredible and deserves all of the respect 

the only bit that kinda not really relates is the talk about tessa’s demon parent? which is lowkey implied to be like... actually satan?? ahhhh????

That last bit with Cecily was just so beautiful. again. 

I TOLD YOU THE BLUE WAISTCOAT WAS THE ONE

I’m just imagining them just in bed one night and one of them was like ‘our daughter hecka gay’ ‘what should we do’ ‘well we gotta buy her a suit that actually fits her obv. she can’t keep walking around in clothes that don’t fit, also they’re gross’ ‘i actually already went to the tailor down the block and made a list of the ones i think she would look best in’ 

I know ariadne broke annas heart but also i feel really bad for her. being a brown lesbian in 2019 is hard enough. she lost her parents and she doesn’t want to lose what she has left. i hope she also gets some sort of closure in TLH. i would be content with her and charlie having a charlotte and henry thing going minus the pining and falling in love. they’re married but it’s just business and they can pursue whomever on the side

also isabelle do you realize that necklace you’re wearing was once owned by queer QUEEN anna lightwood?????

Learn About Loss

this story was a little slow, but very necessary for introducing the lost herondale plot

emilia is so fucking badass 

the last scene with will and jem was so pure and wholesome. i’m so mad that they were robbed of so much time together. 

A Deeper Love

this story was just anxiety

like obv i knew jem wasn’t going to die but the CLIMAX 

can kit pls have some heart to heart with catarina in twp! like she deserves some closure! like she can just tell him some stories and he can understand a bit more of where he comes from

jem deserves all of the hugs 

i just want to scream YOU GET MARRIED! YOU HAVE A CHILD! IT WILL HAPPEN! 

The Wicked Ones

this story was,, uh,, something

i’d say it ties with cast long shadows as the most depressing 

so basically, celine was horribly abused her entire life by the people who should have taken care of her, her trauma was exploited by another abuser so that she too became incredibly manipulative and potentially abusive, and then she killed herself (was murdered?) and her child was ripped from her corpse to be abused throughout his entire childhood as well

it was cute seeing kit’s parents! they were so cute! what happened. 

Son of the Dawn

baby alec! baby izzy! baby jace! baby baby max! 

i’m not a big jace fan, but ugh i just wanted him to get the love that every child deserves! 

i can’t believe raphael santiago was alec lightwood’s sexual awakening

“brother let him see my rack-ariah” 

lily chen deserves the whole goddamn world

jem CARVED WILL’S INITIALS INTO HIS STAFF

FULL HOMO

The Land I Lost

gotta admit that i wasn’t too hype about this one bc i’m kinda tired of all of the malec narratives, but it was cute

“JEM I’D-LOVE-TO-CLIMB-’EM-CARSTAIRS” (this has to be my favorite) 

once again i love lily chen with all my heart and she deserves all of the happiness and none of the shit that the world has given her 

also??? lily breathed, “cortana.” this girl was GAY for CORDELIA CARSTAIRS

BLESS THE COME AND STARE FAMILY

i love how this small child who hates everyone just physically attached himself to alec and would not let go 

cordelia carstairs was lily’s sexual awakening and you can’t change my mind

SLEEP LILY I’LL WATCH THE DOORS alec lightwood being the PAL lily deserves

THAT BITCH! poor matthew. he was still dumb but he was played by some bitch who couldn’t separate her person grudges and an entire race of people

i love how magnus saw this child run into his home with alec nowhere in sight and was like “guess he’s my son now” 

Through Blood, Through Fire

rosemary ;_;

that’s so fucking depressing like you abandoned your family and it bought them like 3 days max 

i think it’s a little weird that tessa now has some of kit’s mother’s memories and is adopting him but also i guess it’s kinda nice? 

both jem and tessa have actually almost died searching for you, kit, and i don’t think either regret a single thing they did to lead themselves to you

jem and tessa are in LOVE and they’re having a BABY

The Lost World

JEM AND TESSA ARE IN LOVE AND THEY’RE HAVING A BABY

ty u really did fuck up didn’t u

but he’s got a pet now so that’s nice

livvy ;_; 

i really hope they find a way to release her in twp 

i don’t think ty wants it, but things will come to a head. she’s not happy as a ghost. 

kit and ty are so fucking dumb just talk to each other!!

it’s so fitting that kit gave them the heron pendant

both in a sense of continuity and in the complexities of his feelings - on one hand it belonged to his mother, someone cared very much about him but on the other, it failed to save her

Forever Fallen

i ship kit with a family that loves him

jem just talks to him and is just internally like ‘wtf has everyone in your life done wrong’ 

jem and tessa: you are WORTHY and DESERVING of LOVE, BITCH! 

i want all of the domestic herondale-carstairs family 

i think i read the scene where jem and tessa put all of their stuff in kit’s room like 10 times it had me so shook 

“WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE MORE PRECIOUS TO US THAN YOU” 

WE STAN SUPPORTIVE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Janus is as annoying as real jace 

lily be safe bby ily this is gonna end baaaaad 

the scene at the end where jem tells kit that where there is love there is no need for gratitude also has me shook bc we’ve been talking about this a lot in my spanish class, about how so many of us are trained to be complacent and to show gratitude for things that should be a given

Overall, I really enjoyed the book even though some parts bored me and I kinda skimmed through. I’m reading Girls of Paper and Fire now, so we’ll see when I finish that! 

[acsversace-news]

Note: This article contains light spoilers.

There are plenty of murders in FX’s “American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace,” but no one dies in the most terrifying scene that has aired so far. Midway through the second episode, gay-hustler-turned-serial-killer Andrew Cunanan (Darren Criss) picks up an older man at the beach. As they enter the john’s spacious hotel room, Andrew asks how many people he employs. “Five thousand, globally,” the guy admits, but hastens to add, “I can be submissive.” So Andrew covers his face in duct tape, hissing, “You’re helpless. Accept it.” Then he turns up the stereo and dances in his orange bikini-cut swimsuit to “Easy Lover” by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey until his mark stops struggling. At the last second, he pokes a hole in the tape.

The scene is chilling for many reasons. There’s the painful suspense of waiting to find out if Andrew will let the john die. (Because the season unfolds in reverse-chronological order, we’ve already seen him kill Gianni Versace (Édgar Ramírez) in the premier; we know he’s capable of it.) There’s the sadistic pleasure Andrew, who spends his days smoking crack in a $29.99-a-night Miami Beach motel room, takes in dominating a powerful businessman. And creepiest of all is Criss’ body language as he gyrates, his face frozen in determination while his arms flail. This is the moment we realize exactly how unhinged Andrew Cunanan is.

“Easy Lover” is a brilliant sync: a disconcertingly upbeat soundtrack to a man’s suffocation, with a touch of lyrical irony given Andrew’s line of work. But perhaps the most striking thing about using a Phil Collins song in this context is what the reference brings to mind: American Psycho, the Mary Harron film based on Bret Easton Ellis’ novel. Set in the 1980s, American Psycho finds yuppie serial killer Patrick Bateman frequently extolling the virtues of his favorite soft rock hits. He turns on the stereo when he’s feeling great, which is mostly when he’s toying with a victim. In one scene, he plays Genesis’ “In Too Deep” and extemporizes on Collins’ career before he fucks and slaughters two prostitutes. Andrew’s encounter inverts the roles of sex worker and john, adding another layer of queerness to this tale of a gay man who preys on other gay men. “Versace” is using music to frame its subject as an explicitly gay variation on the American Psycho archetype.

Thankfully, for those of us who have no desire to revisit “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” or “Walking on Sunshine,” the show doesn’t overstate its case by cutting in additional Bateman murder jams. While the music of American Psycho captures the banality of Reagan-era capitalist evil, it’s the female-fronted house and dance-pop tracks that would’ve played in a typical ‘90s gay bar that suffuse this season of “American Crime Story.” Released the same year Cunanan turned violent, 1997, Jocelyn Enriquez’s egregiously overplayed “A Little Bit of Ecstasy” blasts as Gianni and his partner, Antonio (Ricky Martin), arrive at the club for yet another hedonistic night out, and soon decide to leave because they’d rather be alone together. Later, Andrew dances to La Bouche’s “Be My Lover” and Lisa Stansfield’s “This Is the Right Time” at the same venue as he prowls for victims, clients, hookups, or all of the above.

Like the disco that soundtracked the sexually fluid nightlife of the 1970s, the songs selected by music supervisor Amanda Krieg Thomas layer mantras of pleasure over beats that thump like an overexerted heart. Their appeal in the context of a gay club in the mid-‘90s isn’t hard to grasp: This is the only public place where queer men can express their desires without fear, and the music heightens that temporary sense of invincibility. The only threat in a room like this is AIDS—until Andrew appears. As soon as he enters the frame, all you can hear in these otherwise liberating hits is artifice, recklessness, and caprice.

Outside the club, the pop songs Andrew loves can sound even darker. In a flashback from the premiere, Stansfield’s “All Around the World” plays as a younger Andrew tries on expensive suits owned by his rich friend Lizzie’s (Annaleigh Ashford) husband. While she scolds him for raiding the closet and he reminds her, “I have nothing,” the song emphasizes the disconnect between his worldly pretensions and his parasitic lifestyle. The first time we see him in episode two, Andrew is a fugitive speeding toward Versace’s part-time home, Miami Beach, in a stolen truck. After catching a radio news report about himself, he finds a station playing Laura Branigan’s “Gloria,”cranks up the volume, and screams along with abandon. As high on his own notoriety as Patrick Bateman was on frivolous bloodshed, Andrew is celebrating the murders of men—three of them gay—with an iconic gay disco anthem.

There is a crucial difference between the American Psycho approach to music and the way “Versace” uses it, though. Bateman is a caricature of vain, ruthless, materialistic finance bros—a monster brought to life by a dominant culture that elevated those destructive traits. His affinity for Phil Collins and Huey Lewis and the News is an indictment of those artists. (Ellis agreed: “I ended up feeling bad for Bateman’s loving attention toward the band [Huey Lewis], which, in itself is this kind of criticism of the culture,” he told* Billboard.) Their songs are just another blandly sinister accessory to Bateman’s vapid existence, like his tanning bed and his embossed, bone-colored business cards.

As interpreted by this season’s writer, Tom Rob Smith, Andrew Cunanan is less a reflection of gay culture than a plague on it. If the john he nearly kills before going after Versace hadn't been closeted, it’s quite possible Andrew would have been caught before he killed the fashion icon. When Andrew leaves the hotel room, the traumatized businessman slips on a wedding ring, calls 911, then thinks better of it and hangs up. Andrew’s earlier victims, who we’ll meet later in the season, are also casualties of the closet. In that sense, Andrew is the personification of society’s homophobia, which he uses to isolate and manipulate his targets, as well as HIV, which can turn sex deadly. In Miami Beach, he hides from the FBI in plain sight, buying neon tank tops and Speedos to blend in with the throngs of innocent gay vacationers. Music is one more layer of camouflage. Andrew’s grotesque enjoyment of “Gloria” isn’t a criticism of the song—it’s a perversion of its liberating meaning, and a threat to the culture that cherishes it.

[officialfand0mtrash]

my giant-ass kinlist

Character, Source

anything else not necessarily canon

astrick (*) means literally me

not really looking for canonmates, however if you wanna talk that’d be ok!

note that the amount of info is not relating to how major the kin is to me, they’re just the ones with more non-canon memories. most of my “literally me” kins are either the kins i just feel the absolute most in touch with and closest to, and are also mostly the ones i identified as first.

sometimes i started talking in first person

Juniper Branch*, Warrior Cats (Dawn of the Clans)

Raven Pelt came out to me as identifying as a molly after our kits were born, because she was afraid I’d leave her if she told me earlier

Jerboa Jump, Tennessee Tuxedo & His Tales

heckin enemies to friends to lovers relationship with Tennessee himself

i mean it probably wasn’t that great looking back two angry smartass sarcastic people in a relationship doesn’t sound good but… Tennessee’s great i think he made me a better person through it

is mainly for coping.

Taptap*, Underdog

Riff & I were fucking. dating? maybe. it was the 60s.

i was still around in his gang in the other episodes, just around, y'know, robbing banks.

Underdog was my brother but he’d never admit it.

Thistlewhistle*, My Little Pony (Generation 3)

i was a transman

Starcatcher was also male!!

in fact not everyone was female,,

on Butterfly Island all our names were spelled as one word. but its. not like we ever spelled our names anyway.

Shifty*, Cauliflower Cabby

Boston and I were fucking. But we weren’t dating. It was illegal, he only wanted my body, and he didn’t care about me enough to.

Boston considered his title of Boston Bully, New Yorkie Public Enemy Number One very highly. He was afraid that showing sexual interest in a man would destroy his title. Though I’d always secretly thought that, since it was illegal, it would only boost him.

I never even wanted to be in Boston’s gang. I had maybe borrowed alot money from him years back and he wanted me to pay him back by robbing banks. After I’d made it up he threatened to shoot me if I left.

is mainly for coping.

Tubby*, The Beagles

Stringer & I were dating, and I wish I could say Scotty was the only one who knew. No, Scotty was the only one who’d take us to manage, I’m amazed his agency didn’t fire him over taking the Gays as clients. I suppose I’m glad he didn’t, we wouldn’t’ve done half the shit we did if it weren’t for him.

Our band’s name isn’t because we’re beagles… well, I’m a bagle/chihuahua mix but no way in hell does Stringer have any beagle in him. We called ourselves the Beagles cuz we really like the Beatles

we also really like Elvis (have you heard the bass in Heartbreak Hotel?)

I came from Jersey and am Jewish by race, I’ve never practiced the religion.

Fernsong*, Warrior Cats (Vision of Shadows)

stop shipping me with Ivypool she’s mates with Blossomfall!!

i’m a transtom and i’m so glad i’m not a tortie!!

i would’ve loved to have kits and a mate but everyone in Thunderclan is too old for me or just can’t tolerate me and im ://!!

i didn’t know and still don’t know if i want a tom as a mate or a molly…

Tigerheart, Warrior Cats (Power of Three)

No I never became Shadowclan’s leader. When I died my mother, Tawnystar, was leader, and my sister Dawnpelt was her deputy.

I also didn’t have children with Dovewing. In fact, I was never romantically interested in her. She was beautiful, she was a wonderful molly…. but she was born the day I became a warrior, and I refuse to mate with someone that’s a good 15 moons younger than me.

In fact, my mate was only about 9 moons younger than me. His name was Bumblestripe.

After Darktail took over Shadowclan and Tawnystar, Rowanclaw, Dawnpelt and I took shelter in Thunderclan is when I became mates with him. And I never left. He was too loyal to Thunderclan and I already felt like an outcast in Shadowclan, sharing my name with Tigerstar (What was my mother thinking?) and I’m very glad I did.

Roach*, Warrior Cats (Vision of Shadows)

Darktail gave me so much trauma for what he did i hate it so much i hate him so much. i’ll snap his neck if i ever find him again. (but maybe if you’re from a different canon and apologized for the shit you did, maybe i wouldn’t,,)

i stayed in Shadowclan after he was killed and became mates with Rain. i like to think… that i really helped him with not only the trauma of losing an eye, but helping him get used to only having one… and he helped me to trust cats, and other…. trust-related issues i had.

Percy, Warrior Cats (Firestar’s Destiny)

Duke, Thomas the Tank Engine

Smudger and I were.. dating? Married? I'm not sure, but we were romantically involved with eachother.

Windstar, Warrior Cats (Dawn of the Clans)

Yarrowleaf, Warrior Cats (Vision of Shadows)

i was a transmolly and a lesbian.

i was mates with Sleekwhisker and damn what a mate she was…

Yew Tail, Warrior Cats (Dawn of the Clans)

I had horrible, horrible paranoia… I thought… I thought that one day, that all the cats in Starclan would get upset with us and make the moon fall and kill us all. And I would pray every night and stay up for hours to make sure it didn’t. I think the tradition of holding vigils may have come from me.

[tessatechaitea]

Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese? Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!" Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano. Batman: "The only way out is in!" Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense." Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!" Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?" Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!" Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?" Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!" Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times. Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there. Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt. Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites! Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!" Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid? In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them. Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life. Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen. So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil! After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing. Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes. Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?" So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it? Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over! Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene! Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid! So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?