#fuck me sideways with a chainsaw

[ceaselessbasher]

Was someone going to tell me that, for people in the UK, "double crochet" is what we call "single crochet" on this side of the Atlantic, or was I just supposed to find that out myself after making half of a very misshapen amigurumi???????

[teencopandthesourwolf]

the perfect swan neck, devastating blowjob lips, doll-like bambi eyes... JESUS CHRISTUS HOW TF DID DEREK HALE MANAGE TO NOT POUNCE AT FIRST SIGHT?! good grief, that werewolf honestly has god-tier restraint.

bonus (neck) for the perfect profile:

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

I do my best work when I'm too tired to give a fuck✌️

[gigacat]

sahdasjkdhkas so I go to scroll twitter and I just got this pop-up today:

[wewouldgobackintime]

also i love her even though there was never anything but pure friendship between us but i also kind of hate her for how our friendship ended and for that i want nothing more than a life without the temptation of her

i think i need to fucking kill myself i just learned that the girl that i tried to force myself to move on from who has been haunting me for years might move into my city

[say-al0e]

Hypothetical

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Eddie asks a lot of hypothetical questions, just to hear your answer. The answer to this question was more real than you wanted to admit. Warnings: Tiny bit of self-doubt, idiots to lovers. Pairing: Eddie x fem!Reader (think it could be read as GN but just to be safe) Word Count: 2.7k

“Would you fuck my clone?”

The question, asked as casually as if he were inquiring about the weather - though, to his defense, he’d asked weirder - rose above the sound of chainsaws emanating from the television and earned a confused frown as you spared him a sideways glance.

Eddie’s attention remained mostly on Leatherface, chasing unsuspecting victims, but you caught his curious glance as you laughed. Those were the first words spoken in over an hour, certainly a record for your verbose best friend, and you couldn’t help but ask, “What the fuck, Eddie?”

“What?” From his position at the end of the couch, feet propped on the coffee table and head lolled onto the cushions, he shrugged. “It’s a simple question. Would you fuck my clone?”

A beat of silence passed, in which you realized this was one of those moments where Eddie wouldn’t let the question go until he was given a satisfying answer, and you sighed. “I don’t think that’s the question, Eds,” you countered. “Isn’t it usually, ‘would you fuck your own clone’?”

With a dismissive wave of his hand and a scoff, Eddie finally sat up and turned his full attention to you, screaming teenagers and chainsaws forgotten now that he had something better to capture his attention. “That one’s boring,” he reasoned. “We know all the arguments. This is a different question, new arguments.”

“I think we’re fine without arguing,” you teased, reaching for the nearly half-empty bowl of popcorn. “Just watch the movie, Eddie.”

From the corner of your eye, you watched as a look you couldn’t quite recognize flickered across Eddie’s face. However, just as quickly as it appeared, it was covered with a raised brow and a teasing grin. “We’ve seen it a hundred times already. Anyway, what I’m getting from this is, you would fuck my clone. Interesting.”

Eddie did little to hide his amusement as you rolled your eyes and tossed a piece of popcorn at him. “I didn’t say that,” you argued, despite yourself - despite knowing that you were walking into a conversation you weren’t yet sure you wanted any part of.

A hum, unconvinced, met your ears as he reached for the bowl and plucked it from your hands. “Okay,” he prompted, ignoring your outraged huff. “So, tell me. Would you?”

There were a handful of ways you could respond to his probing. The first, shut down his question with a point blank refusal, phrased as a light-hearted joke that did little damage to his ego and even less to your already fragile nerves. The second, play into his game and debate the pros and cons of sleeping with his clone, the ethical ramifications, the conversation he clearly wanted. Or, the third, admit to him a fact that you’d concealed since the summer of 1984.

Any way you could have him, real Eddie or clone, you would take it.

That was, solidly, not in the lead. So, you opted for the second approach.

“Jeez, Eds,” you sighed, stealing popcorn from the bowl now resting on his lap. “I don’t know. Maybe,” you conceded. “Depends, I guess. Is he, like, total you or some weird, kinda fucked up clone? Like, is he totally evil or incapable of coherent thought or, I don’t, off somehow?” As an afterthought, you joked, “More so than the real you, anyway.”

“Rude.” There was no bite in the declaration, only a fond amusement that made your chest ache, but you did your best to ignore it as he hummed. “Clone’s a totally normal, complete carbon copy. Everything about him is exactly the same, down to the last hair.”

“So, no aspirations to rule the world or become, like, the next Leatherface?”

Eddie grinned. “That’s my backup plan, you know, if music doesn’t work. So, guess it’d be his, too,” he admitted, only breaking into laughter when you grabbed a pillow and smacked him with it. “Seriously,” he relented, “nothing weird. Just another me. Everything you know and love, times two.”

With a sigh, you lifted your legs onto the couch and hugged your knees to your chest. “Then… I don’t know,” you admitted, voice barely audible over the screams still echoing from the television. “Maybe?”

“It’s a yes or no question, babe,” he reminded you, brows furrowed and eyes narrowed as he studied you. “Shouldn’t be this hard.”

That look, the one that you had difficulty placing, returned and despite your uncertainty as to what it was, you were certain that you didn’t like it very much. Doubt, or maybe hurt, were the closest emotions you could identify though neither made much sense to you in the moment.

Still, rather than ask, you rolled your eyes. “What’s the point of this conversation?”

There was none, it was just for fun - a debate, like the thousands of others you’d had over the course of your friendship - and Eddie said a much as he shrugged. “Isn’t one,” he declared, offering you the last handful of popcorn. “I just want to know if you’d fuck my clone.”

When you refused, he returned the bowl back to the coffee table before reaching for your ankle. With a gentle tug, he encouraged you to rest your feet on his lap as his fingers began to tap a beat that only existed inside his head against your skin. “Why does it matter?”

Eddie shrugged once more, though this time, he glanced at the television rather than you as he answered. “Because I asked and you always answer.”

“I do,” you relented, sighing as you also spared the screen a glance. “Well, what’s the right answer, then? There has to be one.”

This time, he shook his head as the tapping of his fingers grew a touch faster. “Right answer’s the true one.”

For a moment, you simply studied Eddie. His side profile, bathed in the warm glow of the television, was the picture of concentration as he watched a scene you’d seen a thousand times before. Only, you knew him well enough to see the telltale signs that he was in no way paying as close of attention as he should’ve been.

The slightest tick in his jaw, the quick bite of the inside of his cheek, the delayed blinking; all signs that he was waiting more intently for your answer than he wanted you to believe.

Rejection - no matter how hypothetical - never seemed possible when it came to Eddie. So, you sighed and conceded, “Okay, fine. Sure, I’d fuck your clone.”

Eddie hummed, seemingly unsurprised and feigning nonchalance as he nodded as if the answer confirmed something he already suspected. And there were a thousand ways in which you expected him to respond; none of which could’ve compared to him declaring, “So, you’d fuck my clone but not me.”

Again, rejection was not an option. However, you had no intention of admitting to him that you’d wanted him for years. There was no world in which you could see yourself admitting to him that you thought he was beautiful - with his doe eyes and playful grin. Telling him how you felt would likely end in an awkward silence at best and a ruined friendship at worst.

So, you opted for a careful denial. “What? I didn’t say that.”

“But you’re not saying anything to the contrary,” he countered, turning his head to spare you a cursory glance. There was something there, beneath the amused glimmer in his eyes, that unnerved you - something far more serious than you were expecting - but as quickly as it appeared, it was gone.

When you shot him an unimpressed glance, cutting your eyes at him before returning your attention to the television, he shrugged, teasing grin never faltering. “I never said that. I answered a hypothetical and you’re reading into it.”

Eddie met your perhaps too sharp denial with a raised brow as he gave up the guise of watching the movie. “So, am I wrong?”

“Would you stop putting words into my mouth?” You huffed as you reached for the bowl of popcorn, desperate for something to distract yourself from making a confession you knew you would regret. “I never said that. All I said was that I’d fuck your clone, I answered the question.”

“Okay, fine. You never said you wouldn’t fuck me but it’s never happened. Never even sort of, almost, maybe happened,” he reminded you - as if you needed it. “So, you would fuck my clone but not me. Why?”

“Because we’re friends, Eddie,” you shot back, resisting the urge to roll your eyes as you popped a piece of popcorn into your mouth. “I’ve known you since I was ten.” 

The excuse sounded weak in your own ears, but it was all you could muster without breaking down and confessing that you would, in fact, sleep with him. If only he’d ask. If only it wouldn’t destroy your friendship. If only it was that simple.

Still, Eddie was relentless. “But my clone would have all my memories, totally the same person,” he reminded you. “He’d be your friend, just like me. But you’d fuck him. So, why not me?”

“This is stupid,” you huffed. “Why do you care?” He’d never pushed so hard, not in pursuit of a hypothetical question meant to pass the time, and you were genuinely curious why he seemed so interested in your answer, or your lack thereof.

“I’m a naturally curious person,” he argued, shrugging as he squeezed your ankle. “It’s just a stupid hypothetical. C’mon, why would you hypothetically fuck my clone but not me?”

There was little doubt in your mind that he would continue pushing until he got the answer he was looking for, especially as it seemed that he’d already made up his mind that he was right, so you shifted yourself in a huff. With your legs now hugged to your chest, eyes on the television to avoid meeting his gaze as you admitted in a snap, “God, okay. I’d fuck your clone because it’s the closest I’d get to being with you without actually destroying our entire relationship. Happy with that answer?”

“What?” Eddie sounded genuinely surprised and you could feel the warmth of his gaze burning into your skin as you purposely kept your gaze on the television.

“If your clone is you, all your memories, your mannerisms, your looks, I’d fuck your clone because then I’d get to see what it’s like to be with you,” you admitted, words escaping despite every fiber of your being telling you to be quiet. “I’d get everything without the risk of losing you when I fuck it all up.”

Eddie shifted closer then, careful to keep a few inches of space between you but no longer nestled into the opposite edge of the couch as he tipped his head to get a better glimpse of your face. “What do you mean, when you fuck it up?”

Frustrated tears - at admitting a secret you swore would follow you to the grave, at allowing him to get under your skin when he was simply asking an innocent question, at allowing yourself to get so worked up over something so simple - stung at the backs of your eyes as you huffed. “I’m… you know me, Eddie. I don’t,” you sighed, cutting yourself off, before taking a deep breath. “I’m prickly. I don’t do well with romance. I freak out and run,” you reminded him. “Even if you felt the same, if we worked out enough to not have our friendship go down in flames, there’s still a chance I’d fuck it up and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to run from you.”

“Hey.” Eddie shifted even closer, close enough for you to feel the warmth of his body, and sighed when you refused to glance at him. Regardless, he exclaimed, “That’s why we’d be different.”

“What?” Of all the things you expected him to say, that was the last. With furrowed brows and tears still lining your lashes, you tipped your head to glance at him. “Why?”

“Because,” he began, meeting your eyes for the first time in what felt like hours, “when you try to run, I know what you’re doing. When you get all weird or try to push me away, I know it’s not really you wanting me to go. I know you. I get you, just like you get me.”

“Eddie.”

Of all the ways you’d expected him to react, of all the ways you expected him to acknowledge your feelings for him, returning them was not on the list. For years, you’d convinced yourself that there was no way he would return your feelings, there was no way you would ever be able to acknowledge those feelings without losing your best friend, and there was still a deep-rooted fear that, despite his seeming certainty that his understanding would make a difference, any attempt at a relationship would only end in heartbreak.

That didn’t seem to matter to him as he pressed on. “I’m serious. It’s us,” he continued, this time reaching out to press a hand to your knee. “It’s always been us, always will be us. There’s nothing you can do to get rid of me. Not now.”

“You can’t know that,” you sighed, though it was nowhere near as confident as you hoped it would be. “We can’t see the future.”

“We can’t,” he agreed. “Not yet, anyway, but the nineties seem promising.” When you rolled your eyes, barely suppressing a smile, he laughed. “But that’s the fun part. We do our best to make our own future. It’s always going to be together, might as well come clean and really be together instead of making ourselves miserable pretending.” Before you could respond, offer another half-hearted refusal, he pressed on. “What do we have to lose?”

“Everything.”

Eddie shook his head, completely unconvinced that anything bad would come of allowing yourselves to try. “I don’t believe that. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out. We always do.”

“How can you be so certain?” You wished you had an ounce of Eddie’s certainty, his true belief that the pair of you could make it, but you were skeptical. Neither of you had much luck in life, neither of you had much outside of one another, and losing him would be far too great.

However, you were tired of pretending that a shared future was not what you wanted. 

The possibility that your future could go up in flames, that you could destroy the best friendship you’d ever had, worried you. It kept you awake at night. But now knowing that Eddie felt the same, that he wanted the same future you did, there was no way you could turn him down.

For all your fear, for all your hesitance, saying no was not an option.

“Because we’ve been in love for years and nothing bad has happened yet.” He said it as if it was the most obvious answer he could give, as if it made all the sense in the world, and if you really stopped to think about it, it did.

“Can you promise me something?”

Eddie shifted ever closer, nodding easily as you reached for his hand. “Anything.”

“Can you promise me that no matter what happens, we’ll always be friends? Even if we don’t work out, if something happens, promise me that we’ll still be there for each other.”

“I promise. Nothing hypothetical about that,” he agreed, corner of his mouth lifting when you offered a soft smile.

The moment stretched around you, nothing existed outside of the pair of you as Eddie tugged you into his side. It was easy, natural, and you melted into his touch despite the fear lingering in the back of your mind.

There was a brief worry that this could be a mistake. That allowing yourselves to intertwine your futures so thoroughly would only end in heartbreak, but he was right. For as long as you could remember, it had been you and Eddie. There was nothing that had managed to wedge you apart yet. And pretending had no guarantee of working in the long term.

So, you decided to dive in to the deep end and allow yourself to truly fall. There was no situation, real or hypothetical, in which he would allow you to hit the ground.

No matter what, you knew that he would be there to catch you. 

________________________________________________________

Author's Note: I spent my entire day in meetings. All the meetings. So many meetings. I also have a dentist appointment on Wednesday and I am Terrified. So have this.

Taglist: @x-avantgarde-x, @thisisparadisemylove, @eddiesprincess, @slvdsjjk, @munsonlover, @tasmbestspdrman, @urofficial-cyberslut, @jxngwhore, @hopelesslylosttheway, @meaganjm, @lazuli-leenabride, @deiondraaa, @piscesmesss, @glowyskiess, @kiszkathecook, @missryerye, @solarrexplosion, @ofherscarlettwitchways, @lovedandleft-haunted, @trappedinlimbo15, @sweetiekitten, @bookfrog242, @gwendolynmary, @sage-bun, @zealouslibrariesparadiselight, @castiels-lilass, @tojis-little-brat, @emmah787, @theworldsendxx, @asuperconfusedgirl, @flores-and-sunshine, @passi0np1t, @laurathefahrradsattel, @hellf1reclub, @slut4yourmom, @niko-04, @hannirose-loves-you, @mrs-eddie-munson, @screambabe, @vllowe, @ryswritingrecord, @cheriebondy, @ryswritingrecord, @thewitchofthewilds140, @bootlegmothman420, @maruushkka, @honeymoonpython, @keenesbeans, @jess-bonn, @sammysinger04, @khaoticken21, @denkis-slut, @spiderman-berries, @lotus-es, @amortiff, @stardust-galaxies, @ure-a-sunflower, @1-800-ch3rry, @ladybeewritethings, @ynbutbetter, @hunnybunimdun, @breathinfive, @s-u-t, @s4ntacarlal0stk1d, @rae-iin, @pennamesgame, @stefans-wife, @voldieshorts, @frankie-mercury, @bbymochi1, @serendiipty, @saturnsworld01, @eddiemunson1sstuff​, @valthevalkyrie-main​, @crying-caro​, @inglourious-imagines​

[stupidvillainousposts]

Some Werewolf Gene AU Stuff for the Holiday but It's Mostly Stuff I Thought was Funny on an Empty Stomach

Note: This is pre-Ford returning

Fidds: *Accidentally Cuts His Finger While Welding* AGH! FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW!

Stan: *Immediately Beginning to Undress* I mean, if that's what ya really want.

---------------------------------

Mabel: Grunkle Stan! Can me and Dipper go get a turkey with Soos?

Stan: Kids, you know the rule about going into town.

Dipper: But you and Grunkle Fidds go into town almost every day!

Stan: Yeah, at night. And even then we try to stay hidden.

Soos: Mr. Dad-

Stan: Not your dad.

Soos: Mr. Pines, would you feel better if they, like, wear hoodies so their ears are covered? They could wear long shirts to hide their tails.

Stan: *Glares at Soos for a Second* The instant my ears pick up any type of screaming, I'm gonna look for and ground all three of you.

-------------------------------

Fidds, while basting the turkey: Stanley, honey, could ya do me a favor and check on the pies?

Stan: Sure, I got nothin' better to do. *Walks up to the Oven and Opens the Oven Door*

Soos, entering the shack without warning: Do I smell apple pie?

Stan: Soos? What are you doing here?

Mabel, happily: Soos is here?!

Dipper: Is he staying for Thanksgiving dinner?

Stan: Kids, Thanksgiving is a family holiday, remember?

Fidds: I dunno, Oats, we've known Soos since he was a youngin'. Don'tcha think that makes him one of us?

Stan: *Groans Before Closing the Oven* Fine, but you don't count as a kid. Only the pups get to break the wishbone.

Soos: Ooh, I can't wait to see who wins!

----------------------------

Mabel: *Frowns at the Potato Salad on Her Plate* Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Fidds, I don't like potato salad.

Stan: What? Since when?

Mabel: Since always! The ingredients don't go good together for me.

Dipper: I'll eat it.

Stan: No, you won't. Pumpkin, eat the potato salad or no pie.

Fidds: Oats, don't be grumpy. She don't have t' eat somethin' she don't like. 'sides, Dipper offered t' eat it, so it won't be wasted!

Soos: Yeah, Mr. Dad-

Stan: Not your dad.

Soos: Yeah, Mr. Pines! I know my grandma doesn't like it when I don't eat food because it ends up getting tossed out, and that's something we really can't afford. But at least someone's offering to eat it for Mabel.

Everyone Else: *Silently Take in Soos' Statement*

Stan: Alright, fine. Give Dipper the stuff.

Mabel: Can I still get pie?

Fidds: Of course, darlin'.

Mabel: WHOO!

-----------------------------

Mabel: I'm thankful for my family.

Dipper: I'm thankful for our shack.

Fidds, hugging Stan: I'm thankful for my darlin' sweetheart.

Stan, blushing: Yeah, ditto I guess.

Soos: I'm thankful that we didn't miss the Peanuts Thanksgiving Special!

Everyone Else: *Enthusiastic Agreement*

[citrushedgehog]

Back on my rarepair bullshit but this time it's vocaloid 🔥🔥🔥🔥

(Sorry for the absence, life's been fucking me sideways with a chainsaw lately)

[time-for-opinions]

I am exhausted

And I still have an all nighter to pull

And two sessions back to back

Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw

[yimra]

Fuck me sideways with a chainsaw

That’s murder

[nei-ning]

Woke up from a dream where I was walking on a sidewalk next to a local road. I had Verti with me off leash but I knew he was following me.

At one point I stopped and looked behind me but he wasn't there so I walked a bit back, seeing him coming. I had walked too fast for him. Then he came next to me, starting to disappear as he went to sniff certain parts of the road, eventually disappearing completely. There was tiny skateboard, fallen birch tree etc. with the sound of chainsaw nearby. I knew a crime had happened here, a missing kid case, so I hurried away from there, thinking I need to call the cops and tell them about the spots what Verti had sniffed.

I come back home and sat on the floor near the backdoor. It has long glass on it, blinders up. Sky is one big cloud, colored in darkish pink and purple as the sun is setting. I look out and instantly see huge black mass peeking over the roof, upside down.

When I realized I'm looking at fucking HUGE raven creature, I yell out loud to my mom: "It's raven!"

This raven is at the edge of the roof, sideways (facing right) while staring at me through the glass. He has two little "humps" at the base of his beak in a row and his eye... It's tiny but very light blue in color. There's weird intelligence in it as well and it, kind of, creep me out. I know this is not normal raven and that it followed me home from the road.

All of the sudden this raven comes off on the roof, doing a little roll in the air so that it lands on legs when coming down on the ground. While it came down, I noticed he had long tail, like a magpie. It stands up, now turning his head towards me. I'm not sure does he actually have 2 or 4 legs but I know he is huge. Think about huge German Shephard.

I then woke up. Seen this dream before like decade ago, if not over. I do love creatures and ravens, none never being a bad omen etc to me, not even this, even that it did have weird vibe.

[timelessxmemories]

Mawce. I think that might have been it!!! Maybe. Man fuck me sideways on a chainsaw, what the fuck is this bs?!?! -?

[ajokeformur-ray]

This assignment has me wanting to curl up in a ball in Arthur's apartment right behind the sofa, shaking like a chihuahua under a blanket he let me borrow, and never resurface. Oh my god.

These are the instructions for the final assignment of the year.

I haven't even STARTED to sift through to find all the relevant material I'm gonna need to write this beast😱💀

Me right now:

It's due on the 22nd and I'm only just starting it right NOW💀

[carlyraejepsans]

and i was sick as shit yesterday so i can't even drink about this. fuck me sideways with a chainsaw

[faeikoaries]

“ARE YOU FUCKING ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW”

[dottie-writes-tmnt]

Spring Cleaning!

This is part 4 of my fic A New Kind of Familiar. Tags and more chapters can be found here!

He’d given Ruby the duster and the turtle had gone off with a look on his face. The high, squeaky sneeze from a few rooms over sounded a lot like Donnie.

In the middle of it all was Ruby, browline furrowed. “Oh, are you allergic?” Mikey questioned. He wasn’t expecting the gaze to turn fiery and defensive, and definitely wasn’t expecting that gaze to be trained on him.

Mikey stood in the doorway of the living room, gazing at him in silence. Ruby simply continued listening to Casey Jr. explain the Pythagorean theorem to him, nodding along and appreciating the human putting everything into simple terms.

The staring sent uncomfortable pinpricks up his spine and dug its claws into his brain, pleading with him to turn around, screaming at him to snap and retaliate and protect, and whispering that maybe Mikey was seeing weaknesses Ruby couldn’t. Maybe Mikey was laughing at him, judging every single fiber of his being at this very moment. The red-coded turtle ignored it, focusing solely on the ravenette in front of him.

The teen finished off his explanation, cueing Ruby to thank him, and call him a genius for knowing how all this stuff worked. Of course, the boy waved him off— he wasn’t nearly the smartest in the house, what with Donnie and Leo around —and Ruby huffed good-naturedly and gave a non-committal response. Casey Jr. was making Ruby smarter every day.

 

“We’re going out,” Mikey blurted suddenly, shaking his hands at his sides. He was in an orange hoodie, eyes holding some emotion Ruby couldn’t name, though he knew his Mikey would be able to. “D— Raph wants everyone to come.”

“Still weird hearing that name not mean me,” he muttered, Junior already standing up.

He stood as well, sighing as Leo entered the room with a smirk. His blue hoodie was long enough to stop just above his knees.

“Vamos, mis hermanos! Tenemos lugares para estar!”

Ruby didn’t know what kind of face he was making.

“What.”

“Leo speaks Spanish sometimes. He watches too many telenovelas and hangs out with Hueso too much,” Mikey explained.

“Who?”

“You’ll see. Hey, you should probably borrow one of my hoodies.”

“Why?”

“So the humans don’t see you??”

“What do you mean? They’ll see me regardless.”

“The humans are really dumb, they’ll never know.”

Ruby blinked a few times before deciding that he wasn’t going to question too many things right now. Leo suddenly spoke up again, running from the room.

“I’M ON RAPH’S SHOULDERS TODAY!!”

“You dick! ” Mikey cried, throwing a black hoodie at Ruby and running after the slider. “Raph! Raph!”

Donnie followed behind at a leisurely pace, purple hoodie draped carelessly over his shoulders. Ruby had been here for around a week now, and he still wasn’t used to…all this. Not yet.

He hadn’t seen Splinter at all, which was more of a relief than he would ever admit. After contemplating a few moments, he pulled the hoodie on. Shrugging, he followed the group up to the surface.

Well, Mikey wasn’t wrong. Nobody looked at them sideways. The first place they went was the scrap yard, Leo and Mikey perched on Raph’s shoulders. Donnie was floating with some sort of thing that had been on his shell every time Ruby saw him.

Both Caseys were lagging behind, muttering about breaking the neck of some guy named Repo Mantis. Raph cast a concerned glance toward them. When they arrived, a purple mantis mutant— ohhhh, that’s who Repo Mantis was —glowered in their direction.

“I’m still pissed off at all ‘o ya for lettin’ my cat out.” (What?)

“Sure, sure, we are so sorry and we should never have done that, blah blah blah, insert fake crying here, the two humans have been planning your death the whole way here for if you don’t let us in,” Leo finished, smiling with his chin in his palm as he gazed at the mutant.

Casey Jr. was wielding a hockey stick chainsaw thingy that wasn’t there before. (It looked so fucking cool, Ruby kinda wanted one) while Casey Sr. brandished her own hockey stick shaped weapon.

The mantis gazed at them for a few moments before opening the gate.

“Gracias! Onward, brothers!”

The next glance Ruby cast the humans’ way, the weapons were gone.

“Where the fuck did you put them? Up your ass?”

“Language,” Red’s voice snapped, overlapping with his Leo’s in his head. He rolled his eyes.

“Yeah yeah,” he muttered, following behind the group until he was given something to do. He was assigned to help Mikey, the orange-covered turtle going off to look for furniture. He followed as Mikey hopped down a mountain of trash.

When he reached the other, the box turtle was staring at a faded green stool. It looked like it was jade green before it faded.

“What do you think?” Mikey questioned, turning to him.

“It probably looked good before it got all fucked up. Think it was jade green, ‘n honestly, with a bit of customizing it’d look amazing. Why, you want it?”

“Yeah, but I have no clue what color I’d paint it, what I’d put on it, you know…”

His eyes flitted everywhere but the turtle in front of him.

“You could help, couldn’t you?”

“I don’t know anything about art ‘n shit. That’s always been…” he stopped.

It had been his thing, at one point. Then his brothers made fun of him for it, and a few years later, Mikey picked it up. Nobody ever messed with him about it.

“That’s more of a Mikey thing.”

“You can still help! It’ll be fun!”

He sighed.

“Fine, but if you hate it, I don’t wanna hear any complaining.”

“Promise I won’t!”

“Good.”

The furniture hunting lasted a few more hours before they all went back to the lair. April was seated on the couch, flicking through channels lazily when they arrived. When they got her attention, she declared spring cleaning.

Mikey sighed heavily, pulling out his phone.

“I forgot what my priority list was,” the box turtle muttered, before finding whatever he was looking for.

“Okay. Leo, you’re in the arcade room with April. Raph, you’re helping me clean the kitchen, Donnie, you’re actually welcome to clean your lab this time. Casey Sr. and Jr., you two are in charge of the projector room. Ruby…you can dust. That’ll be good for at least the next hour. We meet back here after we’re done with those tasks, right?”

Raph nodded, Leo pouting from where April was wrangling him toward the arcade.

“Off, family! To clean!”

—

 

Mikey hummed to himself, wiping down the counters while Raph dodged around him to sweep.

“Does Ruby seem like he’s settlin in, to you?”

“Sort of. I think having his own room would help.”

“‘N we’re workin’ on that.”

“You two have the exact same accent. Yours is just more pronounced.”

“‘S better’n Casey’s Brooklyn accent he picked up.”

“He doesn’t use it often! And it’s funny.”

“‘Nobody talks about the toitles!’”

Mikey snorted, swatting at his older brother with the rag he’d been using.

“You realize Ruby’s a Chrome Dome fan, right?”

“I’ve been tryin to forget that.”

“I think it’s a good thing he’s finding things he likes here. He’s gonna be here awhile. Even if he is a filthy traitor.”

“We’ll make a Ghostbear fan outta him one of these days.”

Mikey thought Ruby was settling in fine. Casey Jr. was helping the mutant feel at home, Splinter was doing his best to steer clear of the other for now, and everyone was trying their best to get him a car he would like. Even Donnie was pitching in.

Around 30 minutes ago, Mikey had sent everyone off to do their own jobs. He’d given Ruby the duster and the turtle had gone off with a look on his face. The high, squeaky sneeze from a few rooms over sounded a lot like Donnie.

The box turtle went to the room to tell his brother to take a break, the words already on his tongue when a chorus of “awwww” came from the threshold.

In the middle of it all was Ruby, browline furrowed.

“Oh, are you allergic?” Mikey questioned.

He wasn’t expecting the gaze to turn fiery and defensive, and definitely wasn’t expecting that gaze to be trained on him.

 

—

 

Ruby had completely forgotten about his dust allergy until he actually started dusting. His eyes burned and his nose itched, and just his luck, he sneezed just as Leo, Donnie, and April were passing by.

His stupid, squeaky sneeze. The awwws from the door sent his face burning in mild embarrassment. April snickered.

“Donnie, you two have something in common! You both sneeze like girls,” the girl chuckled.

He knew it was a joke. He knew it wasn’t even a jab at him. Not really.

“Oh, are you allergic?” Mikey questioned.

He couldn’t help the glare that made its way onto his face, couldn’t help the target it went to. Mikey looked genuine, and that made it even worse.

Or maybe, that little voice whispered, maybe he was making fun of Ruby too. But Mikey wouldn’t do that.

Who was he kidding, of course he would.

So Ruby did what he did best.

Well, what he considered his best. His brothers wouldn’t know, since all they saw was him yelling and snapping at everyone. Never what he did after.

Without a word, he shoved his way out of the room, fleeing the lair and going up to the rooftops.

What he wasn’t expecting was to be followed. The light footsteps behind him had to belong to Mikey. Was his little joke not complete? He turned, eye twitching as he laid eyes on the face of what looked like genuine concern.

“What? You don't know how to leave a turtle alone or somethin’?”

“Normally, a turtle doesn’t run away for no reason.”

“Normally, a turtle should have the fucking sense to fuck off when it’s obvious he needs to. I’m not some fucking case for you to figure out,” he snapped. “I’m not even supposed to be here, for fuck’s sake, and you all just have to make this shit my problem even though it’s not my fucking fault, don’t you?

“And you, you’re out here pretending you’re following me out of, what, the kindness of your heart? I’m not buying that bullshit. Now I’m telling you, so only a dumbass can’t get the message this time. Fuck. Off.”

“You’re not making sense!”

“Of course I’m not, Mikey, because it’s you! Nothing ever makes sense to you, does it? Just—“

“Did somebody say something? You know, Donnie’s allergic to dust, Leo’s allergic to strawberries, Raph’s allergic to peanuts…April’s allergic to bananas. Nothing to be upset about.”

“It’s not about that,” he snapped.

Why the fuck would he come up here and pretend like he understood when he clearly didn’t? To make him look stupid?

Of course he didn’t get it, because Ruby was overreacting. He let himself stay upset and anxious about being here, then he dealt with this dimension’s Splinter, then let some stupid little comment get to him and it built up until he felt like a bomb ready to explode and he finally had. Like a baby throwing a fucking tantrum, and then he ran away like a coward.

“Then what is it about? You’re not making sense, Ruby,” Mikey said, surprisingly gentle.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Talk to me like I’m some fucking baby. I’ll push you off this damned roof.”

The box turtle gave him a crooked smile.

“How can I help?”

He froze. He knew his perplexment showed on his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s clear that talking about it won’t really help, otherwise you would’ve started talking by now. And you’re clearly upset. So, how can I help you? You wanna spar? Or run rooftops? Or scream at me? You can do that, I realize I interrupted you.”

It was like someone took a loaded gun from his hands and replaced it with a fucking nerf gun.

“I don’t wanna hear any complaints when you’re flat on your shell,” he warned, cracking his knuckles. Mikey smiled, chuckling.

“Oh, you won’t.”

 

If he lost a few times, nobody had to know. Only the stars bore witness to their sparring session, tucking away every win and loss to replay in Ruby’s memories when he thought about improvement.

Mikey laughed good-naturedly when he was downed, and graciously didn’t help Ruby up after a loss.

When they returned, Ruby’s mind blissfully clear and Mikey beside him, it was to Leo chasing Casey Jr. and desperately crying out for him to give up whatever he had in his hands while Red narrowly saved his tail from being ran over. Casey Sr. was crouched in the rafters, filming while Donnie cheered for the human teen.

Ruby simply slunk off to find a nice closet to take a nap in, preferably avoiding any social interaction for the next hour at least. Mikey joined the fray effortlessly, shouting for Casey to toss the object his way.

Red caught a glimpse of Ruby before he disappeared for the evening, offering a smile. Ruby gave one back, before shutting the door and sighing deeply. His eyes shut. Yeah, the stars would keep his secrets for now.

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