#fuck it this is Tumblr I can't have shit anymore
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meh
#if I tell everything in the tags would that make everything okay#fuck it this is Tumblr I can't have shit anymore#it's 3:25 am by the time i'm writing ts#I want to rip my skin out#everything sucks I can't think I hate it#what should I do tomorrow#everybody is probably tired of me now I can't do it#what should I do what should I do I don't know#I can't even look at somebody in the eye i'm a goddamn coward#when will I be able to get used to it. it's been 6 fucking years#I can't do it I don't want to wait I hate waiting everything sucks I can't#also I think I broke my neck (I already did)#I be moaning over something that's already over fuck this#monday's gonna suck#it happened before I can go through it again?#I don't want to face my classmates and other people what if I got cuffed again#I need to stop thinking it's gonna be over before I knew it please Lord help me please#I don't have to see these people again (hopefully)#they'll just mocked me because i'm an absolute fucking retard who can't even make eye contact with someone before looking away#I have to get used to it. I need to please#it's hot#I made too many fucking mistakes I can't do it#at least it's not as bad (it is)#oh yeah ofc my fucking brother turns on the goddamn heat lmao shoot yourself
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i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.
#rum.txt#i have to do something about my phone...........#i might be able to uninstall tumblr#i can't uninstall twitter because the stupid fucking thing turns off notifications when you do#so i wouldn't be able to catch up on the accs i have notifs on for#(a very small list of forcebook- and kaibaek-related accs)#i can't uninstall instagram because of forcebook again lol#i also use it for recipes sigh#but i might start just... leaving it in my room when i get up and see how that goes#i'd also have to try to not look at my phone first thing in the morning#i also have to start actually getting up in the morning#i think that's the main thing#ok maybe when i take my medication in the evening i start getting ready for bed#it'll take long enough that it'll probably still be late but reasonable late#and not like. almost 3 am like now#one of the problems with my room right now is that i have a lot of STUFF#and i'm afraid of getting rid of the STUFF#because the last time i got rid of a bunch of STUFF#(mostly clothes)#i totally regretted most of it and i'm still like ah shit i don't have that anymore? :(#but also i have a big bed that i just want OUT of there#and a huge wardrobe that unfortunately holds a lot of the STUFF#so i don't know where all the STUFF would go#and every job i apply to sucks#and every job i actually want is TERRIFYING in both its unattainability and the miniscule possibility of its improbable successful executio#so i'm like stressed out about a thing that hasn't happened to make something that hasn't happened that i'm also stressed out about#every possible scenario whether i want it or not feels like it could lead to a meltdown because everything is so god damn hard right now#AND I FEEL SO!!!!!! SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the worst part is that i know all this is because my stupid fucking period is coming up#but just because my hormones are making me feel overwhelmed and melodramatic about everything doesn't make anything i've said untrue
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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Things are just so bleak man.
#vent#just me rambling#SO many fucking things#first off and maybe the least bad of all#that one studio that contacted me for a feature film turned me down ultimately#i WANT so dearly to work on features. it's what i want to do. but nobody will give me a chance#because they all want experience on features to work on features. well how do you guys think this works#i'm so tired of it and discouraged#but ultimately that's the least of the issues because#my usual studio is going under. they been struggling financially for years and the CEO did a special meeting to say it#they're lowering activity (one friday every two weeks is off to try and save money) and have 6 months to get back on their feet#which is nothing. they can't find producers willing to dump money in the studio in 6 months esp with ENOUGH to pull it out of the gutter#if they're not better off in 6 months the CEO said ''then ill get back to you with terrible news'' and didn't detail but we know. we know#it's basically said and done in my mind. my main studio as big as it was is crashing down. and idk what ill do.#i bought a flat in this city due to this studio being there- without it this place has no more work to offer me. empty city#job security doesn't exist anymore#and we all know why. producers are much more squeamish about investing in animation because ai is here#why would you give money to allow hundreds of workers to live and pour passion in projects when you can pay a pathetic percentage of that#with midjourney or whatever the shit and get an easy cheap show. rack in more money for smaller an investment#and tumblr is going down that route too. can't get a fucking break anywhere#i'm heartbroken and grieving the world we lost#in a bunch of years looking at art while 100% knowing a person made it with intent will be a memory#being able to not even think about it is already out of our hands#ai 'art' will be everywhere and it will become a new normal. and i'm just.. man.#the world feels so empty already
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actually i might just leave now :((
#i dont even wanna do that anymore#like im not feeling it#i think this is gonna be my last few weeks like im being genuine#the people who've kept me here aren't even on here anymore to interact#like i just feel lonely#and like#no one even reads what i've written anymore#well now i feel like such a fucking loser#who can't even have a fucking tumblr account for 5 months without feeling like shit#ada speaks :)
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feeling fucking stupid again<3 drinking overly sweetened coffee to cope<3
#why can't she be mine and why can't I be hers anymore#we were so happy#we called ourselves the best best friends in the universe#the tumblr poets were right#you can't have friends again like the ones you did when you were twelve#i feel like i kinda drove her to talking about me behind my back#if i wasn't an egoistic piece of shit#maybe she wouldn't have done that#she said sorry and so did i but i#just can't take it#6 years#6 fucking years#i was stupid and a piece of shit yes but did i really deserve to have a friendship like ours to break by such means#i mean yes#of course i did#who am I kidding#im so young but so horrible already#vent
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Can people stop the "Don't call yourself a feminist if-" crap? Y'all still believe in the blatant lies of that movement and ideology?
#txt#that shit has been shady from day one even if some of the people involved throughout the years had good intentions#i'm sorry but women need to stop thinking this movement has ever been for them. it wasn't even created by women#also christ is literally there. you don't need that movement. christianity did that a looong time ago#“yeah but society was still patri-” shut the hell up with that. i don't want to hear it. y'all have no idea what a patriarchy is anymore#it's just evil men working together to keep women down. the world has never quite worked like that. are y'all this retarded?????#y'all are out here painting shit like a goddamn classic disney villain#the world and human civilization are incredibly complex multidimensional and gray. this isn't a black and white bs#this is the fucking problem with tumblr and people as a whole. nothing is balanced. it's either one extreme or the other#we humans tend to jump to extremes even though things are far more nuanced and complex#we live in a fallen world. this world is unfair but there's a chance at redemption#we can all be better#the problem with this ideology is that they always try to paint men as the natural enemies of women#it's the oppressor and oppressed dynamic#one is evil and the other one is good#this is a very black and white way of looking at humanity and it removes the humanity from both#i hate it because it heavily implies that women have no agency and shit just happens to them basically. nothing they do has an effect. it's#always someone else doing it. like y'all do realize women are the other half of humanity right????? you can't maintain a society without the#other#you'd have to be INSANE to subscribe to this kind of ideology
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not only do I get extremely obsessed with things (people), I also have to obsess over the fact that I'm doing it. every time. great.
#I do literally mean obsess. not like haha I like someone a lot and it's funny#can't stop thinking. can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm doing that#it's not nice it sucks and I hate my brain#I've given myself a massive headache now#it just keeps going round and round and I can't get out of the thoughts#fuck why can't I just have a normal brain like. why does this keep happening#idk I just can't stop it#so now I'll try to sleep but instead I'll think about him and the fact that I'm thinking about him and the headache will get worse and the#thoughts will get worse and I'm just the worst and#all that. because. I think a guy is cute. I'm not allowed to think that because when I do this happens and I can't get out of it and nothing#else exists anymore#fuck I shouldn't have downloaded the tumblr app again no one needs to read this shit 😭#personal
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🌹:O
:3c
Lucifer doesn't care how the labcoats say it works; he knows there's no such thing as a clean break from a drift the minute the plug is pulled. Instead, Michael goes from a second consciousness beside his own to being dragged out of Lucifer the further Lucifer gets from him, both of them gripping tight to the connection until it slips, until it snaps, with a violent recoil that knocks Lucifer's brain out of alignment and reminds his legs that they don't work. His next step falls too fast, too heavily, and refuses to take his weight. It's only Michael, now only a voice outside of Lucifer's head yelling his name, catching him from behind that allows Lucifer to collapse to the floor with his dignity intact.
#is this more than one sentence? yes. yes it is. because tumblr deleted this post once and pissed me off.#i had so many tags about lucifer already and boom. gone.#anyway. tfw you see your boyfriend get severely injured during a battle and this makes you panic so bad you manage to make it a few meters#which is a lot for a guy who can't actually walk.#lucifer's got a whole Situation. turns out plugging a guy's brain up to a giant robot is not without its bugs.#especially when said guy was one of the first to be stuck inside the giant robot with his brother. and testing was a lower priority due to#everyone wanting a faster solution to the Giant Fucking Monsters. so lucifer's brain got overloaded and can't send signals to his legs#anymore to move right unless he's hooked up to a mech. technically when this first happened the doctor told him 'well if you stop doing mec#shit you can walk again.' but 1) he's not doing that. and 2) that was years ago. just because that recommendation is still on a file#somewhere doesn't mean it would actually work for him. or even that it would have back then. it's still the official answer for 'fixing' hi#because that's better optics than the truth. which is that he can't walk.*#(technically. technically. if he was left disconnected from the mech for a week he could walk. it would also be exhausting. and painful.#and slow. this is not something lucifer considers to be helpful information when he moves faster and with more ease in his chair.#this is something other people like to point out about him that makes him want to start hitting them. and it's not even really true anymore#the 'a week disconnected' thing. again. was a long time ago. it would take over a month for him to stand nowadays.)#(v few people Get all of this but like. michael is one of them. he's in lucifer's head enough that it would be weirder for him not to get i#add to that him being one of the few people who has seen lucifer walk nowadays and focused more on 'hey he looks like he hates that'#than praising it. and he gets it. and is also the requisite amount of annoyed when lucifer *runs off* before michael can help him into his#chair!! not the first time this has happened and will not be the last. michael's used to catching him.)#ask#oh my god that was so much rambling. this isnt even the point of the fic btw. this is just. backstory. worldbuilding.
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FUCK OFF!!! Stupid fucking guidelines!! SHOW ME THE GOODS YOU COWARDS!!!!!
#Red's rambles#Can't have shit on Tumblr anymore#How the fuck can I bypass this shit-#The ban was the worst Tumblr decision ever#Do you know how hard it is to go on Twitter to find the art I wanna see? There's so many bad things there...
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Over 2 years and 800 restarts, and this app still isn't working any better...
I hate this app. I hate this app. I hate this app.
#personal#rant#tumblr problems#get your shit together tumblr#tumblr support#hellsite (derogatory)#stupid fucking piece of shit#are you goddamn fucking kidding me?#just got fucking restarted again#literally did nothing again#now i'll have so many fucking days to have to go back through again#and that won't even get me caught up#i am so fucking fed up with this right now#i have hardly had any time lately to be on here between work and other stuff going on in my personal life#and any time i do come on here i get restarted#so i'm fucking missing out on everything#which is horrible for my fucking fomo#no app should fucking restart for all the nonsensical fucking reasons that this one does#i don't even know why i bother anymore#i can't catch a fucking break#technology hates me#and i fucking hate it right back#UGH#���🏼🤬🖕🏼
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fuck elon musk but the privating of likes on twitter is a really interesting exposure of the absolute panopticon culture going on there
there are droves of people freaking out that they can't check people's likes before following them anymore (something i have never done or thought to do??) because "what if i accidentally follow a predator?" the pedopanic is ramped to the MAX. if you want to have privacy you must have something shady to hide.
with the general culture of "oomfs you follow this Unperson u have 24hrs to unfollow or you will be unpersoned as well" idk why i'm surprised it's considered normal to pilfer through ppl's liked posts to justify harassing them. the lack of choice on users' part whether their likes are public or not (a feature tumblr has had for years) is shitty design but i can't help but be intrigued by the panic of purity-obsessed weirdos as a feature that gave them an illusion of control is taken away
sorry guys, life isn't that easy. shitty people will exist alongside the righteous and will often be indistinguishable. the idea that you can fully avoid them by stalking their shit is not a healthy thought process. make peace with privacy.
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me staring at the clyde bot's auto-generated reply in his dms (he's cut direct communication with me and we can't talk anymore)
#sort of a vent? i don't know#also its not a partner or anything it was a close friend of mine#idk ive been feeling like shit today. some guy talked behind my back#and like. i can't talk w a close friend anymore#i just feel like a shitty excuse of a person atp.e#i have the constant worry that im annoying#whether its about my vintage shenanigans on tumblr#or even a simple discord message#im sorry for being annoying#im sorry#im so fucking sorry#i don't think anyone truly likes me. i talk in a specific server and feel like they just want me to shut up#sorry guys ik this isnt my.usual post. ive just felt a bit down lately
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a second time?
A SECOND TIME??????
tumblr staff REALLY do NOT want this comic on this site despite it including NOTHING that could be deemed inappropriate, especially when compared to to the usual shit they let pass
if i can't even have this completely safe for work comic on my blog, i don't even wanna be on this site anymore. but i guess that's exactly what they want, that's why they recently went on a trans woman banning spree, not even bothering to give reasons for some, let alone good reasons
why don't you just fucking ban me while you're at it? you've already proven you can do that without warning nor any given reason
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maybe i need to go away again
#i hit a really low point#my thoughts are really really bad and i feel like i'm going to lose control even if i won't but i still feel that way#i can't talk to anyone#online or offline#i don't know where to go or what to do or how to handle anything anymore!#if i haven't responded i'm either trying to sleep or i just feel too drained to talk right now#i'm sorry#maybe coming back to tumblr was a mistake#fuck#i hate this#i had to delete some of my other tag rambles because they were. concerning.#and i don't want to make it seem like i'm threatening to do anything since i'm not#but i just really don't want to be awake right now#i'm only staying alive because my puppy can't stand anyone else but me#i have to keep taking care of him since my parents won't#but other than that... no.#i keep lying to myself when i say things will get better#they always go back to shit#i'll die eventually so there's no point in speeding up the process but it still fucking hurts you know#i shouldn't be alive#i am fucking useless#if only i weren't a shut-in so a fucking bus would hit me already#again not gonna do anything permanently harmful but fuck it all just hurts so much rn#i hate myself
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#stfu blue#signal boost#images i captioned#i've already started the process of removing all of my creative works from tumblr over this#whether they're scraping it or not i am so opposed to this decision. they can't have my shit at all anymore#i've wiped my gallery blog i've wiped most of my transformers au-blog and fic-blog posts#i've wiped most of my blue's art and blue's writing tags. assuming tumblr showed me everything in them. which i Doubt#sorry to anyone who's enjoyed any of my creations but tumblr has ruined things for everyone as always#hellsite#fuck generative ai
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