#fuck i love cynical sun and moon

[sinnabee]

The order of things

Part 1 | Part 2(tbc)

People tend to forget that Sun and Moon are literal items. They have no free will, no choice, no freedom, nothing at all. Everything that can be in their possession, can also be torn away by the company and they won't be able to do anything about it. And the worst thing about it all is that they need to believe they're nothings here because if they don't it will crush them. Their opinions? Nothing. Feelings? Never existed in the first place. Memories? It belongs to Faz co and to them only.

What will happen if you treat them as equals? Denial. They cannot let themselves to believe you. Because if you're right... the reality is a very cruel thing.

This particular comic is a part of a storyline where the dca physically cannot have romantic feelings.

Yet.

As much as I love the sweet fiction I also love the cruel realism. Programming is a very simple thing - if you don't put something in the code, it won't appear by itself. The daycare attendant is not programmed to be able to love.

But self-operating AI can learn. Especially when someone wants it to.

Virus makes them feel a lot. Probably too much. It's a new program, new commands, new triggers, new opportunities to push the boundaries.

It doesn't make them feel love of course. But they think that it does. It feels like love to them.

Not like they know how it supposed to feel anyway.

And while Moon tries to embrace it, to feel, to understand...

...Sun hides. But not from his feelings, he hides from the fact that the virus affects him as well.

It can't be true. Why would he be dangerous like Moon? No, if he ignores it, it will go away. Moon is the one who's broken. Sun is totally fine, everything will fine. He will make sure of it.

For Moon's part, he's fed up with hiding. It's always him who's in shadow. But with virus?

Freedom for Moon. Control for Sun.

AI will learn.

[that-starry-freak]

We've got five of these this time chat

Okay wooo I actually am struggling with this one. Like the pairing sounds interesting immediately, but I'm at a loss. Uhh-

I mean obviously it'd be toxic. Its giving enemies with benefits tbh. Hate. Lots of pain and trauma. Eccpecially after old moon was the reason SSun died.

If they don't try to kill each other though they'd growl a lot and be assholes and that just sounds like a lot of fun (if they got along they'd be a fucking asshole power couple)

ECLIPSE AGAIN?? holy shit okay uhm

I mean I rant about this all the time I dont think im gonna here the point of this is for crackships

Okay I'm about to take all the eclipses off this wheel I've got an eclipse every single time so far-

Anyway, uh- I actually have an au thats servant sun x v4 eclipse so I'm trying to figure out how their dynamic would be if it was v2

servant sun would be really anxious around him. V2 ecliose would just make snarky comments to him about his kittishness and how he wasn't the same eclipse. SSun would slowly warm up to him. I remember v2 ecliose was a lot more sparky and manipulative than v4's more cynical nature so thatd be fun. I think they'd be interesting together. Skittish x sassy, both very traumatized

Yeah I like that- omg if this was in the same au as the bm x lord eclipse one there's an added thing of v2's trauma with bm and how they tortured him- nauanshs

(My first spin was lord eclipse and I said no fuck you and respinned)

Ohhhh- okay, so technically its another ecliose, augh, but idc cause its not a very eclipsy eclipse its solar, so its okay

And oh my god?? Their friendship already bro. The sass. They joking fighting. The figuring out relationships together. The awkwardness???? The nerdiness??? Bro, its like solarnexus but moon is a bit of an asshole and more awkward so its less soft and just fun

Fuck yeah i love this ship

... im not going to say anything, im just gonna

@alexandraisyes

the wheel ships it (it was the first one without any sort of Eclipse too-)

Okay I think that's enough that's a lot god I'm addicted this is a lot of fun

[velvet-games]

1, 2, and 30 for the music asks?

ask game

1: A song you like with a color in the title

Pink Pony Club 😭 I'll never get over this song tbh, esp when it's live and you can hear the crowd singing

2: A song you like with a number in the title

13 Angels Standing Guard 'Round The Side Of Your Bed by Silver Mt. Zion <3 scared the shit out of me at first when I just heard a clip of it but it's actually really beautiful

30: A song that reminds you of yourself

ooh there's a lot lol

EP.4: Important by Ian McConnell: 'Cause humans aren't really gonna kill the planet We'll just make the planet unlivable for us But earth will keep right on spinning Way long after we ain't in it And life will keep right on living 'Til the sun explodes and oh I'm not important and neither are you So let's do whatever we wanna do Bask in our cosmic insignificance Soak up this blip we're living in 'Cause nothing matters anyway Isn't that great?

the reason I love space haha; there's nothing better than looking at the moon and realizing you really are a tiny blip on a tiny rock in a very, very big universe that doesn't care about you. just breathe and focus on enjoying the happiness you can make for yourself and others; your child hands were never strong enough to break the world.

Thank You and Goodnight by Black Gryph0n & Baasik:

We may be monsters, creeps, and killers But we'll miss you just the same And don't be sad, we're stuck for eternity In constant torture, fire, and pain 'Cause there is love, and joy, and laughter Who cares if it's wrong or right? We had so much fun, so thank you, and good night

I think this is the basic theme of the helluverse and the reason I love and connect to it so much; yes everything's terrible but people manage to find joy in each other anyway.

Apple by The Narcissist Cookbook: Like an apple You carry a seed around inside you And from it will sprout a brand new person A sapling A child in your image but entirely separate ... They will look up hoping to find heaven wedged Between the Earth and the sky Instead they will find the sky just keeps on going and going They'll crack open atoms hoping to find God's initials enscribed on the inside Instead they'll find neutrons and protons And inside them they'll find quarks And inside quarks they'll find fucking something else All its dark materials, Eve All its dark materials laid out neatly on the workshop table Waiting to be discovered!

fucking love this whole song. don't let god get in the way of your humanity.

Midwest's Best by Nik Salah:

I don't know how to deal with all this bullshit This nightmare that I'm living in What if you aren't impressed by the best I have? I'm a collection of the people and the places that Gave me a home, broke all my bones, told me I'm ready My mother's rage, my father's pain, hereditary When did we go from growing up to growing old? I'm a progression of all of the things that came before Live wire, head on fire, my heart beats out of my chest Answer me, will I ever be more than Midwest's best?

can't believe this is by nik salah of all people but I love this song lol. 'gave me a home, broke all my bones' is a perfect description of it.

honestly thanks so much for this ask haha; I've been feeling kind of cynical lately but these songs reminded me of why I want to stay <3

[jooniperbonsai]

I'll Give You the Sun (jhs) | Teaser

Pairing: SunDeity!Hoseok x MoonDeity!Reader (afab)

Rating: 18+

Teaser Length: 1662

Part One Length: 10.6k

Release Date: Fri, April 18, 2024

Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, fantasy au, royalty, mythology

Summary: Fated to fulfill an ancient prophecy claiming he will ascend into a curse-breaking hero on the day of his kingdom's first total solar eclipse, Hoseok is jaded and cynical over his lack of choice in becoming the king and god of the Solar Kingdom. He's even less pleased that his coronation is to be shared with the future king of the Lunar Kingdom, whose clear obsession with power is already a sign of trouble ahead.

But when the moon fully overtakes the sun and bathes everything in darkness, the ascension of gods and kings doesn't seem to be all that the fates prophesied. With you now coming out of the shadows to claim your rightful title, the pressure is on for the two of you to break this curse together, before it completely destroys your two kingdoms.

Warnings for Part One: Swearing, physical aggression, low self-esteem, implied emotional and physical abuse, dirty talk, grinding/thigh riding, dom! hoseok already making himself known

a/n: I am so so so excited for this series. I had considered initially making it just a super long one-shot, but as this story builds, the characters have come alive for me in a way I didn't expect. I will of course be continuing Thanks for the Sub, but you can happily add this one to your roster.

I am obsessed with Sun Deity/God?Royalty Hobi as a concept. I remember when I read "fermata" by @yeoldontknow for the first time and I was ENAMORED with the world and way Hoseok existed in it. The prose was so poetically written, and I modeled a lot of my process after what I remember reading. Honestly, I would highly recommend this one if you haven't read it already.

This fic has been one in the making for years, but it really just took that extra push of the eclipse to bring it to life. I'm not sure how long it'll be in terms of parts, but I am loving the ride I'm on with it. Now that I'm back from Korea, it's safe to say that you can expect more writing from me this spring and summer.

thank you for your support. -h

He can hear her shuffling down the hall. His mother. No doubt draped in the silky, long golden cape that shines as she passes by every sunny window. He doesn’t need to look at her to know that she’s wearing it. That, or her crown, pointed at all sides in honor of the many ancestral deities who have served the stars before, whose power and strength created the very particles of the universe. He also doesn’t need to look to know she’s heading directly toward his chamber, seeking Hoseok out. 

He knows she is, because he was supposed to be in the Great Hall an hour ago to go over his coronation and is instead sitting out on his balcony, looking up at the moon high in the sky despite it being one in the afternoon.

“Hoseok,” his mother echos from his doorway, breathless and exasperated. 

“I know,” he calls back. He knows he’s due for a lecture, but because his mother is impatient, because the entire palace and kingdom and evidently the entire fucking universe is impatient for their prince to become a king, and with that title, a god, there’s no time for a lecture. 

He takes one last look up at the sky, the pebbled moon inching ever closer, and scowls before retreating back indoors.

If Hoseok had things his way, he would seek out whichever god before him who uttered his prophecy to ascend to the throne and burn him with all the power of the Sun he is so called the god of. Apollo, Ra, Helios, Tsohanoai, Sol, Tai Yang Xing Jun, whoever it was who caused this, who murmured his message before the fates, he is probably laughing at Hoseok as his mother clucks at him and pinches away invisible specks of lint from his pristine suit. 

“Your father wants to see you before we begin.”

“I thought the party was already under way,” he mutters, his mother cocking an eyebrow at him. 

“It is, which I now take it you are staunchly avoiding instead of simply losing track of time like I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt for.” 

“Eomma, you know I don’t want to do this. I have told you so for years. I don’t want to be king. I don’t want to be a god.”

“Yes, but the fates decided it so. They chose you over your sister, and this means whether there’s a party or not, it’s going to happen. You might as well enjoy the food and music and make the best of it.” With a sigh, she adjusts the heady gilded crown pinned to her head and strolls out of Hoseok’s chamber, leaving behind the faint note of her jasmine perfume.

Hoseok knows he can’t hide here forever. He knows that once the total eclipse occurs in a matter of hours, he will be thrust into a life of duty. And not soon after he ascends, he also knows that he will be expected to begin courting someone. That is another matter entirely, one he is not going to even entertain today.

He’s not opposed to marriage or courting, not in the slightest. His elder sister married a few years ago, a marriage that gives structure and stability. Her husband clearly loves her, and Hoseok enjoys when he sees his brother-in-law when they visit during the summer months, when the days stretch into nights and for a little while, the state of things feels less cursed and oppressive. 

They often have long, decadent dinners in the back garden, surrounded by the low hum of the bees as they move from sunflower to sunflower (his mother’s favorite). The summer months are coming, which means soon Hoseok will feel a little bit more like himself. Why wouldn’t he want to spend time with someone, to enjoy strawberries straight from the garden and walk along the river with the one he courts? 

All of these things are exactly what he wants. 

Or he used to, anyway. He glances at the mirror above his vanity, his black hair already losing some of its hold despite only being styled a handful of hours ago. Normally, it doesn’t do that. Normally, once set into place, he appears as the precise and put-together person in the room. 

But today, he realizes, is not normal. 

In his lifetime, there has never been a total solar eclipse over his kingdom. Which is why in many ways, today is the beginning of the end, as today he will fulfill his destiny within the prophecy:

On the Eve of day, the day of night,

when the moon fully captures the sun’s light

over the House of the ones who worship the rays, 

will an alliance occur that pleases the fates:

Two kingdoms will gain what they most need

after long years of suffering from past gods’ greed.

From the cliffs off the shore where the sky hangs low, 

will come the fated one crowned with a moonlit halo.

And from the flowering valleys where the rolling hills run, 

will come the destined one crowned with the beams of the sun. 

The shadows shattering during the fifteenth hour

shall bestow these two souls with ultimate power.

The moon stepping forward with nothing to hide

is burdened not by the sin of pride

nor the sun is he plagued by the darkness above, 

but balanced with allegiance, passion, and love.

United these two the fates will regard

with the highest of honor among the stars. 

What was once divided now becomes one, 

with the all sacred moon and almighty sun. 

And together these two blessed by the heavens’ ring, 

will end the curse of the promised false king.

He can recite the entire thing by heart. It is a prophecy that echoes in his oldest memories, ones when he could scarcely understand the phrases coded within, but recognized the cadence of over time as it swirled into words he one day understood. It was read on his tenth birthday as he watched the red wax of his “10” candle slide down the pillar and onto the buttercream frosting of his cake, the red upon white almost looking like blood. It was read at weddings, graduations, all a reminder of the great hope that is to come. 

Even then he knew it to be less of its intended blessing and more of a curse dooming him to follow its guidelines, to be “balanced with allegiance, passion, and love”. Hoseok doesn’t deny that these are traits he has, but he isn’t entirely sure if these are traits he was destined to have, or if through the power of suggestion and pressure over the years, he has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

He looks back in the mirror, scooping a curl off of his face, memorizing the rich brown of his eyes, the even slant of his nose. He knows his ascension isn’t technically supposed to change him, at least not in the ways that are noticeable. All of the royal advisors and lesser gods on the council have assured him, reassured him, and if it’s even possible, over-assured him as such. 

Even his parents have dipped their toes into the conversation, despite always and forevermore being mortal.

It’s not like you’re going to sprout a second head and start devouring the souls of mortals. You are just going to feel different. More powerful. Rightly so. You will be. 

And that’s what concerns him. Not the sprouting of another head or bloodthirst. 

How can things still be the same–how can he still be the same–if he is about to be given power? Not just any power either. This is enough power to end the long-standing drought that wiped out the southeast corner of the Solar Kingdom. A drought so severe that the only thing left in that part of the kingdom is abandoned homes and stories from the Elder gods that prove it was once a vivid place full of diverse life, with lush flora that bore plump, juicy fruits, art, and culture. 

The Elder gods have been around for, well, no one quite knows how long, including them. When asked, they often click their tongue, sipping whatever sparkly alcoholic concoction that fancies them that day before dismissing the curious soul who asks. After a while, time just rolls itself together. You mortals are so obsessed with it. Relax, take it all in. Hundreds, even thousands of years may have passed, but still we eat and drink and dance. 

And from all that eating and drinking and dancing came the many stories about the parts of the kingdom that Hoseok had never heard of, and some he is still sure don’t really exist. How on this planet were there once waterfalls that fell up instead of down, or vines that could bear grapes the size of his head? Over time, he has learned to take what the Elder gods say at face value; they are bored and ancient and looking for something to entertain them. The only reason he knows the southeast corner once had any of these things is because of the ruins. 

When he was young, he was taken there by the royal council and his parents to help him understand the weight of his place in all this, how crucial it was that he rise and grow to end the drought that forced thousands to become displaced and desperate. How better was he to understand the importance of the power he would one day be given than to see how selfishly wielding it only resulted in strife and suffering for all?

The drought is expanding, leeching more from his kingdom by the year. By his twenty ninth birthday, the Great Forest of Solaria, a region two hours south of the capital, known for its tall redwoods and cypresses, has had three sizable forest fires, forcing its people, including Hoseok’s best friend Namjoon, to flee north. Namjoon and his family have been living in the palace for almost a full year. 

But because of this curse, this reign of the nefarious king Mang Shin, who tore down Hoseok’s people and the land around it for his own selfish gain, because of his cruelty that angered the fates, the Solar Kingdom has been managing a worsening drought. How much longer before the capital city can no longer sustain any of its people, when it is no longer a refuge?

His kingdom is not the only one impacted by the cruelty of Mang Shin. The Lunar Kingdom to the northwest is half underwater after high tides that led to flooding. While the capital city of the Solar Kingdom has not directly suffered from the curse of Mang Shin, the Lunar Kingdom’s capital city has not been so lucky. 

A month ago, a large tidal wave capsized the northern end of the city, drowning thousands and destroying a major sea port that was essential to the booming trade industry of the north. From the rumors Hoseok heard, the crown prince was set to be in the district that morning on official business, but was running behind after spending a night out drinking and occupying the brothels in the southern corridor. He would have been washed away in the sea if he were on time. 

Which means all this, all that Hoseok has been procrastinating on attending, has stopped seven times in the short hallway over, would have been for nothing. There would be no end to this curse, only the slow suffering of his actual fate. 

No. The crown prince is in the Great Hall waiting for Hoseok to get his shit together and help restore balance to both kingdoms. A dual coronation. Two princes to become kings of their own kingdoms. The Lunar Kingdom exists as the Solar Kingdom exists. Both need each other now to ensure the longevity of the other. There’s no other destiny than this. 

He pauses in front of the door to his father’s study, grazes his knuckles against the wood of the door. He sighs. 

You have to do this. There’s no other way. 

And just as he thinks to turn, to run, to flee his home and this kingdom and go everywhere and nowhere all at once, the door to his father’s study opens. 

He expects to see the firm set frown of his father, to be given his final lecture and coronet before his father abdicates and Hoseok is the owner of the hefty, ornate crown he has come to despise.

He is not expecting to hear a soft feminine gasp that is very different to the sounds his father makes. Nor is he expecting to see you staring right back at him.

©2024 by jooniperbonsai

[capriciousleo]

“Fatui Harbinger Natal Charts” Pt. 3

∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴ ∵ ∴

Parts: 1, 2

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𝑺𝑪𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑴𝑶𝑼𝑪𝑯𝑬’𝑺 𝑵𝑨𝑻𝑨𝑳 𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑻

Sun- Capricorn

Moon- Cancer

Mercury- Capricorn

Venus- Cancer

Mars- Scorpio

Rising- Aries

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OKAY! Let's start with me correctly guessing his sun sign before he was canonically announced to be a Capricorn kgekbhi. He possesses typical Capricorn traits, with his Mercury-- cold appearance, a bit standoffish, a tiny bit arrogant and condescending, sarcastic, cynical. He places huge value into respect and authority, hence why he constantly reminds others that he's a god and he's above others (ex: Sumeru Archon Quest). He doesn't particularly understand that respect also needs to be earned, however. Many Capricorn placements are known for their sharp tongue that is not usually used for malefic purposes. Scara is also known for this, and speaks about it himself. Despite voicing out the hardcore reality and facts, people constantly get upset and hurt by these placements. Even Dottore's pride was hurt by Scara's simple, and imo, not even negative words about the latter and his experiments on the former. He simply called things as they are, but Dottore saw that as disrespect and was so quick to jump on "You have to be more respectful with me, Scaramouche" thing. Capricorn Suns and Moons don't get along particularly well, I've noticed hfihfiewhwi. Deciding to get rid of his feelings so it would disrupt his goals is also such a Capricorn thing, but I'll also come back to it in his Mars placement. Capricorns are also quick to cut out what’s not serving them any longer, hence why he chose to sever his ties with the Fatui and not go back after Dottore kicked him out, which other Fatui members perceived as Scaramouche betraying them.

Cancer Moon + Venus cries. He's a baby. Despite putting on a Capricorn front that nothing hurts him, doesn't feel anything at all, and that he's practically invincible, he feels fuck ton of emotions. After all the years Ei left him, he still feels deeply hurt. Remember him being discarded because he was too kind-hearted? Boy literally played around with kids, collected flowers/fruits, helped around, etc etc. He wants to feel loved. Now, as the Wanderer, and after spending time with Nahida, I do think that he slowly heals this trauma and slowly develops the sense of inner calmness. I may make a separate post about his transition lmk🤭.

Scorpio Mars. All of the things that happened in his life, people leaving him in different ways, he saw that as betrayal- he said it himself. This Mars placement is distrusting and cynical, and it takes a long time until they begin to open up. And, whenever someone betrays them, they feel it deeply. I do not think any other Mars placement feels the pain of a betrayal and hurt as deep as Scorpio. They may not show it on the outside in the beginning. These people are like a volcano- the emotions, like lava, slowly but surely rise up until they finally explode and burn everything on their way. Scara, the same way, piling everything up, turned evil and became a part of the Fatui. Erasing his emotions to achieve what they want is something this placement shares with Capricorn placements, particularly Suns and Mercuries. He’s also quite cunning and knows how to get around. And let me mention the way he looked when he was in the Fatui- it was so greatttt. The dark colors added onto his already dark brooding appearance, and his hat veil will be missed, rip. I want it back it looked amazing, crying.

To be frank, the rising was somewhat difficult to conclude. I was running back and forth Scorpio and Capricorn, but in the end I picked Aries🧍🏼‍♀️. Scaramouche is not afraid to say what’s on his mind, he’s quite opinionated and has an air of leadership around him. He does have the energy to fulfill his goals, which I believe also comes from this fire placement. He’s dedicated, intense, and not afraid to be independent and walk his own path. I think he can also be prone to jealousy.

P.s. Sorry it took so long, my lovelies! But Laura’s back ❤️

[spotsupstuff]

Wait, so you mentioned a few times you've got Strong Feelings about 7RS, so uh. could you articulate those feelings please?

they are just so fuckin....

like aight my initial reactions to some of the broadcasts were this

(didn't have it figured out yet that Suns used they/them at that time)

because like lets set the setting for NSH here, alright? he has this friend he's been loving for who knows how fucking long. after all the Ancients left everybody was ought to feel lonely and thank the all good in this world he has probably found solace in this other iterator, Looks to the Moon. she means a lot to him. he wants her to be okay

so he tells this to this one other guy he's been talking with and also finding solace in. he tells them that he really cares for Moon, that they've been close, that he's so fucking scared right now for her because he just doesn't want her to be hurt. he cares for her to SUCH extent that he leaves behind his jokester shtick (and local therapist friend shtick, as per me headcanons and perception) and actually grows cold and actually kind of fucking bitey????

like in one broadcast i was marvelling over how healthy their communication actually seemed, next moment i know NSH is hammering it into Suns how much of a fucking idiot they are for all of this. the THERAPIST FRIEND goes OUT of his way to ATTACK HIS FRIEND (however subtly and verbally). that is INSANE to me, i'm often in the position of the therapist friend and it usually takes so much for me to actively attack and then give a cold shoulder to the bud???

and on top of all of this Suns goes ahead and call this entire dooming fucking situation a "SETBACK" to Pebbles' development into a satisfactory enough cynical person, i'm going to fucking throttle this toaster.

but at the other hand, despite all of this, Suns isn't necessarily a bad person! i'm not actually saying that nor i actually think that. they obviously care for people (Pebbles, Spear), but they are just so fucking emotionally stupid that they don't know how to go about it or they just really realize a thing much Later. they are slow as shit when it comes to processing emotions. they are analytical and very logic based, which isn't a bad thing but yanno! no matter how you are as a person you are still responsible how you are going to act towards the people around you. you are expected to Not Hurt others and such a thing as actually Hurting someone will not be accepted

low empathy or low sympathy or lack of experience with the emotional aspect of life does not equal or excuse being a shit person

again, but they do care. all of the iterators are fucked up by a religion taken to extremist reaches (as per my understanding of the lore and the RW world). so naturally, they are going to believe that sending step by step instructions on how to commit suicide is a good thing. so i don't actually blame them for that, even though it is horrifying when We look at it. it's how they showed that they care for this little pink fool. they tell him that everything is useless and they are fated to run in circles over and over again. that it is good to lose your ambitions and the fire of a fight in you. they truly think That is the best course of action one can take- the whole Society believes in that and because of That these helplessness inducing advices are signs of care and love

they want Pebbles to be happy. they want to lead him to safety and show him how things work. protect him from the tiring useless fight that is swimming against the stream of a river

and yet they are so cold and hurtful. Suns is a mess of opposites- the warm and kinder ones forced behind their Exact negatives

[mamapilled]

mother nonsenses 1.0

was part of the manifesto. (but not anymore?) though these are just random ideas in my notebook that i havent yet found a way to fully write sth decent with. though the evidences are all there. here just for archive, none of these really mean anything. except the last bullet point? but it also doesnt mean anything

- [this was one of my replies when heilhades333 and i was talking abt my ageswap luther and her matriarch nature. then somehow it snowballed into ranfren chi no wadachi?] i think as far as where the series is currently at, randal's still far too young for luther to consider anything about him having a family of his own or even a partner. at this life stage he is still under luther's care, and therefore, a part of luther's family. i see luther as the highest queen of her own beehive, so she wouldnt want randal to eventually have his own family (though, as the "ivory heir", maybe that day will come. if they can grow old that is). luther's way of building a family is more of collecting "family members" - what she'd like to call them, rather than building branches. i dont think she would mind if randal gets a partner as long as they'd submit to become a part of her family (like how she got sebastian as a pet for randal) maybe only when said partner wanted to pull randal away we'd have a problem (satoru. though its mostly bc she wanted to go camping with her family and also blueberry pancakes)

^ i kNOW the mother here is referring to the mother/earthbound franchise. but this is my domain and i can say whatever i want

- [purely delusional. hello hitchther nation?] in my beautiful mind theres this specific what-if situation luther is the queen bee, the hitchhikers are the drones, randal is the queen-to-bee (haha get it) while the catmen and like, nana carpet seb and the rest are worker bees. the drones' only purposes is to mate with the queen (only the fittest ones get this honor) and they'll die in the act but they're happy doing so ^^; this is just me fumbling the hitch hikers’ role theres nothing more to this really, lol

- [i’m still marinating this thing with nou but its going to be mother manifesto 2.0 when i finally know how to verbalize it. wonder when that is... the following paragraphs are choppy and rough bc theyre mostly texts i sent to nou at 12am] AGAIN IM NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER PLEASE EXCUSE ALL THE... IDK VERBS FORMS ERRORS I DONT KNOW! WHAT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

i know luther is the emperor tarot card (totally agree. shes also the empress TO ME. because im me of course) but then nou told me about her being the sun while randal is the moon and. huh. that kinda caught me off guard because the sun is supposed to represent. well? good omen and all the nicest things in the world. huh. everytime i think too much abt this i’d get super emotional (im getting emotional Right Now. thats why i dont think i can fully articulate this 2.0 manifesto any time soon) bc yknow. according to a normal regular person’s standard, luther is far from “good”, but also cap did write that luther “believes hes a nice person but is working on it” (not the exact quote but you get it)

something about her trying to be a good person though she probably would never be one but still in her cynical little mind hes being sweet and loving and Good. and not doing whatever she "in the past" has done. bunch of references to "the past" are mostly if not all abt how horrible and terrible and scary she was and how she keeps saying shes not like that anymore though we arent sure how much of it is true bc shes fucked in the head to oblivion. its the thoughts that count i guess?

these are probably all related to luther giving birth to randal (in my head) since ARHGHGH idk!!!!!! i'd imagine this was her before having him (or at least, when she just had him for a few? years? decades?) and then until she had to raise randal and realized he needs to grow into a decent person and started that fucked up roleplay spiral game of her she goes out less and less and trying to be a perfectly normal loving human and a caretaker of this made up family and stopped doing whatever the fuck she was doing when she was still a young maiden terrorizing canada’s deepest forest suburban hell

since randal is like. THE ivory heir to me too he'll take over one day its like now shes just being a mom and making sure hes ready to be it. one day (that day might never come once again she loves making shits up in her head saying stuff no one can fucking understand. cynical woman) and also making sure everything around him is ready for his growth and also being a good role model for him. yadda yadda. not to mention randal keeps talking abt how shes not like before / this body isnt what it used to before as if they both know shes fucking aging (old) and having randal is what she wanted in life like how parents after having children just want to devote their entire life to give their children the best upbringing bc their time is ending soon its time for the next generation. THIS IS ALSO PURELY DELUSIONAL SORRY

whatever im rereading camping arc again (i do this every night) what can i say i love female hysteria and getting the horrors abt luther von ivory slowly descending into insanity

[solwintersarchived]

𓏲ּ  ֶָ  𝑤𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑜𝑠𝒕𝒗  ⁝         charles melton,  30,  cis man,  he/him.    announcing  the  arrival  of  GERION  of  house  LANNISTER,  the  LORD  HEIR  of  LANNISPORT.  whispers  among  the  court  name  them  to  be  both  CHARISMATIC  and  SELFISH  in  disposition,  and  those  closest  to  them  speak  to  their  interests  in  politics.  if  we  bards  could  compose  a  song  for  them,  it  might  tell  stories  of  cerulean waters crashing on rocky shores , fingers running through hair like silk , gold  embellished  armour  , knowing eyes that nothing gets past , hidden daggers , a pile of old parchments , secrets and feelings well-concealed , sleepless nights , the  calm  before  a  storm.  the  seven  whisper  to  their  most  devout  queen  as  she  sleeps,  making  her  question  where  their  loyalties  truly  lie.  are  they  right  to  whisper?  for  their  loyalties  truly  lie  with  THE  LANNISTERS.         

stats :

name : gerion lannister age : 30 title : lord heir of lannisport date of birth : september 13th sexuality : pansexual languages spoken : common tongue, various dialects of low valyrian and trader's tongue religion : faith of the seven

height : 185cm hair colour : black eye colour : brown

father : tba lannister nee tba ( deceased ) mother : ruling lady cerenna lannister ( 55 ) siblings : tba lannister ( 25 - 26 ) , tba lannister ( 22 - 24 ) other : casterly rock lannisters ( cousins )

traits : charismatic , deceitful , gregarious , eloquent , adaptable , decadent , fanciful , hedonistic , cynical mbti : entp alignment : chaotic evil astro : virgo sun , gemini moon , leo rising

about :

eldest son , an heir , pride and joy you are supposed to be . you are full of light and love , your laughter echoes throughout the halls and the household says you are the ray of sunshine lady cerenna needed after so many tragedies . but she is cold and your warmth cannot reach her no matter how hard you try . the maesters and servants speak of your mother , of how she used to be , lannisport's delight , but you do not know that woman , the jovial one . all you know is stern words , looks of disdain and shivers at the mention of dragons . your aunts princess lelia and lady elissa haunt the halls of the castle , they have your mother's eyes but gentler . you catch mother finding comfort in their portraits , as if praying to them , for what are they but saints in this household ? and you are her warrior , carefully molded into what she wants you to be , you will be her vengeance , you shall give it to her because all you crave is to prove that you are worthy , that you are a lannister .

headcanons , personality & other :

mama lannister lost half her family ( including father and beloved sisters , one of whom was a targ princess ) in the crimson rain so gerion was raised on horror stories of the event , how the dragons must pay , etc . and he is so desperate for mother's approval that he is willing to bring down the targ dynasty down himself . feels the weight of generational trauma of ppl he never even met u feel

was a very happy , sensitive kid but that seems like a past life now . from time to time he gets this splurge of genuine feelings and he is like what the fuck is happening . i don't like that . please save me .

golden boy , was raised to do it all . can run a household , handles most of lannisport trades as of recently , can play the harp good enough to make the most hardened soldier cry , is a pleasure to have at all social events and feasts.. but beneath it all it feels so empty . it is merely a performance and it leaves him wanting more . he craves the state of chaos and danger . he is so close to self - sabotaging all the time .

he is so fun to be around . you will have the best time with him and then , he leaves in an instant ; either because he got what he wanted from you or he simply got bored and moved onto something better , because he is always craving the next best thing . or it was becoming dangerously real , breaking through his walls and carefully placed facade and he did not like that . he is so good at creating the false sense of intimacy that sometimes it can become real .

loves to show off at tourneys . loves attention in general .

has travelled almost all over westeros and parts of essos at this point . trading is merely an excuse , for connections and schemes are what's important . even going behind mother's back , lord gerion believes himself capable of doing what's best for the lannisters ( or perhaps himself ) .

[thezenanna]

Out of the twins, who's the sun and who's the moon? (Compared to each other) And what are the twins like when angered? How do they express it, what's something that's unique to their anger (or uniquely them).

Thank you for the question!

I think Dina and Maya are both the sun and the moon alternating depending on their perspective of the situation! ☀️🌙

Anger wise, I think angry Maya would physically go and destroy something, then plan a revenge. Angry Dina would be very quiet about it until someone pries it out of her, then she would start second guessing herself and direct the anger at herself! 👊🏽

Longer answer below! ��

☀️🌙 Sun & Moon: Dina often feels insecure about herself, constantly doubting and beating herself up. Meanwhile, Maya exudes confidence even with things she has no clue about and for sure fucking it up (fake it until u make it lol, Maya would say). Dina gives moon while Maya gives sun on this one for me.

Or when Maya vented to Dina about how Gadrielle would long outlive Maya because Gadrielle is an elf Maya is just almost human, a little envy at Dina and Maya who will get to grow old together. Dina--who has been teetering between life and death many times--just replied by saying that as long as they love each other truly, 'the rest is confetti' and they'll blissfully figure it out together. You tell me who's the sun and moon!

On the other hand, Dina innately wants to be good, wants to be helpful and do good. Dina wants to be someone that her loved ones can feel safe around and can rely on her. Dina got a good heart. On the other hand, Maya is a little bit more grey and cynical of the world. She is morally grey at the core. She's willing to do the wrong thing for the right reason. Both undoubtedly would kill for the people they love, Maya would just cope with it better than Dina.

🔥Anger: Angry Maya would immediately lash out physically. She puts up with no shit and would make sure that you regret pissing her off. It sort of came from her protectiveness over Dina bc Dina let people walk over her a lot and Maya doesn't like that. Maya always thinks she's the big sister even tho they're only mere seconds apart.

You wouldn't even know Dina is angry if you're not her partners neither her sister. Dina is self sacrificing and loyal to a fault. When Dina is angry, she would just sit there silently going over everything in her head, then eventually reach the conclusion that it's all her fault (then Maya would step in and be like 'who do i have to beat up now'). However, if someone hurts her loved ones, Dina would turn 180 and make sure they're gone the next day and no one would even know about it. It happened and Dina is regretting how it affected her loved ones after she confessed to them tho... 🤧

[mellyyoutubestuff]

Mind Brand English Lyrics (Melly Ver)

Hold on, one second pregnant lady there, what's with the baby inside you?

Your body robbed of innocence, despite what you try to convey

Is that stupid brain of yours still thinking you're naive and pure?

Get a grip you fucking fool, I know that you're not even sure.

Hold on, a sec man, I gotta ask. How are you just a filthy scum?

Plucking that girl's blooming flower, just you leave your seed with sun.

You promised to give her the moon before giving a swift farewell.

Leaving her so casually, you're such an asshole go to hell!

"When, oh, when will you be due? Hey, pregnant girl, I'm talking to you. "

Some cheap ass sympathy from bed, born so you aren't misled

You're so fond of mocking cynicism, but dear, I can tell

By the end of this, we'll all be in the bottom layer of our own hell

(They'll all be dragged down there)

Alas, the hero starts to cry, no justice to find, the happiness he that fought bravely for

It has been stolen right out from his fondling hands

It would be so much easier for him if it slipped his mind

The times of embracing, fighting, and sharing he had to find

Bruised skin covered with scars brings out the most insane pleasure of ours

It's funny how your voice almost held some love for me

Don't tell you're feeling silly little Miss "Needs Everything"

Looks like there's so much to learn before you're truly ready!

Is it almost time for us? "Gotta catch up with everyone!"

Throw in that mindless chatter, doesn't matter, "oh you're wandering!"

Eyes becoming wet with tears. "The lost kid is trying hard!"

But it all means nothing. We're all just pawns for the time yet to come

(Such is our place in life)

Alas, the heroine in tears, her tragedy is near, the happiness that she barely grabbed

Was stolen from her pretty, bruised, and painful grasped

It would be so much easier for her if it slipped from her mind

The times of sharing, fighting, and comfort she had to find

You can bluff, but every lie will come out

There'll be blood, even if you're scared of a doubt

That cut you tried to hide opened again

"You don't like it, but the wounds will be in pain,"

Remember the past, locking eyes at last, fooling nights went fast, then came us now

I feel like wallowing in my pessimistic ideals

I used to run to you, get close, and we knew we'd been laughing soon!

Why must I remember? Please let me forget it all!

Aah! Aaaaah!

[b-sai-des]

What to Take From Roger Waters' "Time" Redux

I’m a huge fan of Pink Floyd’s music and I love Dark Side of the Moon. It's a big year for the album, as a lot of people are celebrating its 50th anniversary this year. Pink Floyd released a remaster earlier this year, but Roger Waters (former Pink Floyd bassist and songwriter) has announced a "redux" of the original album as well, and not with the Pink Floyd members. I previously was not all that knowledgeable about the relationship between Roger Waters and the current members of the band. I had a general understanding of his role while in the band and knew that he and the band aren’t on the best of terms even now. I’ve also heard about his controversies regarding antisemitism and the Ukraine War. All this is to say that this made me very skeptical when I heard that about the redux. Is this really necessary, and is it motivated to be a sort of “fuck you” to David Gilmour and the others?

To Waters' credit, in his announcement he talked about how he wanted it to complement the original, not supersede it. He praised his work with his band members making the original, and said that he wants to gain something new from the concept and ideas of the original album. NME cited him saying in a press release that "...I started to consider what the wisdom of an 80-year-old could bring to a reimagined version." I was morbidly curious what this would be like, so I decided to take a look into the single for Waters’ version of “Time,” which he released last month. The original version of "Time" is one of my favorite songs of all time. I’ll admit that I went in cynical, but I tried to be open minded when I listened to this re-interpretation. Ultimately though I came out not too impressed, as the overall approach in this version seems to dampen its own potential to really distinguish itself from the original.

Here’s the new song: https://youtu.be/NcEHCVLMjAU?si=7uzb328PNX_du_OJ

In case you haven’t heard the original: https://youtu.be/Qr0-7Ds79zo?si=JJxUL7xPUMycPLuU

The main characteristic that many articles (like the NME one) have noted about the track is its atmospheric, low-key approach, drawing us in as we hear the straightforward spoken word introduction. “The voice had been there all along. Hidden in the stones in the rivers. Hidden in all the books. Hidden in plain sight. It was the voice of reason.” These new lyrics tie well into the theme of the song, time creeping up on you. It speaks to that new perspective, an older one who’s being reminded of the original’s message, truly closer to death. It’s quiet, just the deep piano and singular drum beat. Then comes in an acoustic guitar, piano and ambient synth. It elicits a more straightforwardly emotional tone, which I’m liking. The original version is more bombastic and it plays like a heightened version of the sadness that this song is trying to be more grounded in its focus on. The original felt elemental, primordial, speaking to eternal dread persisting infinitely, and this new version seems like it’s trying to make a more personal version of that.

Then the four drum beats together hit like how the original song did in its transition into the first verse. The bass and a slow drum beat are mostly all that’s accompanying the first verse, and there’s an occasional eerie piano that I really like. Low strings build up to the chorus, where the effect of double vocals on the production add the sense of a sober yet kind of hypnotic limp onwards. The words carry more weight with this, as if they’re echoing in the mind as time weighs down on you. The low strings are effective in emphasizing the sullenness. As the chorus ends and goes to the instrumental section, an organ and ambient high pitched synth of sorts joins in, and then another synth and strings add a level of contemplative sadness that’s unique. The organ seems to call back to the old times, it reminds me a bit of “House of the Rising Sun”.

But this instrumental section here doesn’t expand enough before returning to the next verse. When it went to the next verse, I didn’t feel the contrast that much, and it kind of blends together. The next verse’s more energetic violin feels out of place for the tone the song is trying to establish. I don’t want to suggest “what they should have done,” I’m not claiming any expertise, but as I kept re-listening to the track I felt myself wanting the instrumentals to build up more in some way. I like that they died down as Waters says “sinking,” emphasizing that word. At the same time, the music stays lower than the instrumental section for the rest of the song, so it feels like the build up from that instrumental section didn’t have a satisfying payoff. And when the strings and synth die down for the “Home again” verse, it doesn’t feel like there was a big enough contrast for that to have the seductive comfort that the original’s “Home again” had.

The goal of this redux seems to be staying low-key throughout, but that just feels like a detriment to the emotions this was trying to convey. One of the most impactful parts of the original song was whenever the big operatic vocals came in as the drum beat changed to a slower one. There, it felt like you were floating in slow motion, and the tragedy of time’s passing felt more impactful. That song feels dynamic in its different drum speeds and hard and soft parts. Despite being sung by an older man and with the same drum speed throughout emphasizing the hypnotic passage of time, the ambient instrumentals and strings of the new song feel constrained when they could have really had an emotional, raw sense of powerlessness. The vocals are kind of similar throughout as well. They work really well to convey the droning of time, especially the chorus with the double voice effect, but the “home again” ending portion feels too raspy and one-note, and Waters doesn’t seem to feel a particular sense of sadness here. Overall it feels kind of muddled and doesn’t hold your attention the way that Pink Floyd’s does. I don’t mean to judge the new version for having a different approach fundamentally to the old song. But, for me at least, one hits much harder emotionally than the other. Waters seemed to want to maintain the general polished-ness of the original as opposed to being more raw, but without the operatic grandeur that made the original’s pristineness work so well, I have to wonder what there is to gain.

I think my perspective on this might be colored by another re-imagining of another song by an older perspective – Johnny Cash’s world-weary reflective cover of the Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt.” Cash completely recontextualized the lyrics there and still did so in a generally low-key manner. Both Pink Floyd’s Time and Nine-Inch Nails’ Hurt have the angst of a younger voice that’s struggling immensely in their lives, and Cash turns that into the looming dread of a man nearing death. The thing that makes Cash’s version so memorable is its emotional vulnerability in all aspects. When the chorus comes the instrumentals rise to a climax and match the  lyrics, fully articulating its sense of desperation. With Roger Waters' Time, the instrumentals never get their chance to fully express that same level of emotion. The same goes for Cash’s vocal performance – he feels like he’s about to break, with his voice faltering in the chorus as the piano, guitar, and bass reveal the anguish that his voice seems like it’s struggling to conceal. It leaves me with chills every time.

Johnny Cash's "Hurt" cover: https://youtu.be/8AHCfZTRGiI?si=c67jhF_ZRAIN_F4B

"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails: https://youtu.be/42V6ho11NSw?si=JOlWcZ7usUkXtgQi

I don’t mean to say that Waters’ “Time” is devoid of emotion or meaning. The general approach is interesting in fact, giving a more reflective, sullen tone. The thing though is that this feels really held back in its efforts to be so calm. I may be wrong or incorrectly judging the intentions and what Waters and the other musicians are doing here, and I am definitely projecting my own desires of what I would want from a "Time" re-imagining. Far Out Magazine said this of the track: "Waters’ version of ‘Time’ is slower, less intense, and more directly introspective than its predecessor. Waters sings the song in a low hum rather than the impassioned belting that David Gilmour brought to the song’s verses or the delicate whisper that Richard Wright brought to its choruses." I personally feel like that passion replaced with quiet introspection in turn has come at the cost of some of the track's emotional impact, at least for me personally.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! Let me know what you think about the “Time” redux. I’m open to different perspectives!

[zorkaya-moved]

" you have such bad taste in men. "

@bitterseadrop

How lucky of them both that the man in question was far too gone in his sleep in that dingy tent they all put put up with the rest of the White Fang. Surprisingly, today the post to guard the team was left to them both as they sat around their carefully lit campfire, indulging in the sense of belonging and warmth. The sky above would be the witness to their little gossip, but it seemed like stars were witnessing that roast of the century. And they didn't even cook a roast today! It was pure, verbal, and uncensored roast between two sister related by experience and life instead of blood. A chose family, a choice of belonging and happiness.

"Do you really have to say it like that?" The silverette asks, giving her younger sister 'the look'. A knowing look, by the way. It's not as if she doesn't know what her choice means and that her heart chose a man so specific and so uniquely oblivious that the Sun and the Moon would be giggling like teenagers about such a funny story about a pragmatic cynic pining for an idealistic dumbass. "He is..."

He's oblivious. His cooking skills with that stew almost killed us. He completely missed when that madam was flirting with him. He was fun to tease. He had the funniest reactions. He had the strongest idealistic convictions and wish to save everyone.

Hawke shut her mouth for a moment, looking back at the flickering flames. They danced like the prettiest couple in the middle of the ballroom created by wood and ashes. Milou's snort was politely ignored as the woman sighed out, thinking about the reason for her heart to chose that boy with eyes of the greenest grass and smile brighter than the Sun itself. Why? Before, her flings were far more different: similarly scheming, similarly distant, similarly smart and not this fucking dense and oblivious. Milou could call her heart's choice awful, but it seemed like the stories they read about romance and love for shits and giggles could hold some true: love didn't ask if a choice is good or bad. Love arrived, love conquered, and love stayed in that fortress one knew as heart and soul.

"You know, someday you'll fall for someone and I will tell you the exact same things," she huffs, finding her lips curl into a soft yet teasing smile as she glanced at her sister. Milou's gaze remains a familiar and safe remind of how they both were here, together. And together they'll continue on. Now with a new family by their side. "Don't know what's worse, Milou. Leon's obliviousness or his cooking skills. Think he'll get my hints by the time we're old and grey..."

A pause. Milou's smirk grew wider as she opened her mouth to say something before Zarina immediately clasped her hand against the other's snarky mouth.

"We've been over this. My hair is silver, ash colored. Yes, grey fits too, but, politely ahead: shut up," after that, she takes her hand away but then pinches Milou's nose affectionately for the sake of fun. A small punishment for her sister before she got to be a little gremlin to her. "My taste in both men and women is immaculate. The one my heart chose is just a silly man who makes me laugh and smile. And... probably someone who I'll never have."

Another moment of silence to rest between them. Leon, Saine, and Ilya were bright and colorful. Milou, too, was colorful and bright. She fitted with them much better with her personality and her in-tune approach to more emotional topics (at least, that's how Hawke saw this but only because she approached emotional topics with deduction and 'pretending' to understand certain sides without experiencing it herself).

"I hope the one who will be blessed with your love will make you the happiest woman, Milou," Zarina tapped her sister's top of the nose affectionately. A beautiful smile appeared once again, a softest touch of a snowflake. They are the daughters of winter, but they represent such different types of one. "Isha, Jove... I don't care who I need to pray to, but I hope the one your heart chooses will be one who'll never hurt you and who will make you feel safe."

After all, that's all she wanted for Milou: to be happy, to be alive, and to be safe. Elias' death continued to weigh heavily on her mind, all these years later. He sacrificed his life for them, so now it was Zarina's turn to make sure that Milou will have happiness awaiting her.

[sins-silos]

VENUS TRINE MOON

I can't give you more when I’m less of me,

while still getting less of you.

I can’t settle for your sweet nothings—

I’m demented. I still need you to touch me.

I know you miss me, even if you don’t say it.

You kiss me like a lover.

You’re playful with me,

and I know I make you nervous.

I want you to take it, but I know you’re defiant;

your ego would rather know I miss you

just to give yourself a reason to discard your feelings.

Making me the villain.

That’s stupid.

You could’ve had what you wanted

if you’d opened your heart—and your mouth.

You’ve already shown me everything you felt;

there’s no point in hiding it.

And if you’re truly holding back because you’re jealous—

again, stupid.

Do you know what my problem is?

I get used to potential.

And you know what yours is?

You thought you could move dishonestly.

You forget—we’re the same.

Your rising sign trines my sun.

In short, we’re mirrors.

I don’t trust you because you can’t be honest.

And you don’t trust me.

Guess that’s why you fuck me like that—

you need some toxicity.

You can’t handle purity coming from me;

it makes you want to love me.

You can’t handle yourself.

There’s something about me you love,

but you don’t trust I feel the same about you.

I scare you into bravery, make you say it with your chest.

Your other girls feed your ego; I feed your soul.

You can’t stand that I have the power to choose.

You want to claim me—and you can’t.

So you’d rather pretend it doesn’t bother you.

Fuck you. Tell me it does.

What you don’t know is I would tell you the truth—

you have a piece of me,

and I could give you anything you dare to ask for.

But you’re too afraid.

You think it makes you look weak.

But in bed, you worship me.

And here’s the truth:

like me, you’re cynical, numb, and yet, you feel everything.

A drop of feeling leaves you addicted,

but you won’t admit you’re made for me.

You’re too busy hiding in your shell,

focused on appearing mysterious.

Guess what? I’m just like you.

So, I’ll see you soon.

We both know this doesn’t end here.

And if it does, it’s because you finally realized the truth.

You love me, and you hate it.

But I don’t want that kind of love anyway.

I’d rather have something mutual, obsessive,

safe and honest.

Your dishonesty with your feelings

is a goddamn minefield.

[sokraaat]

Trotz

*German word for spite in its negative connotation. It could also be translated as defiance.

My boss shouted at me today and your face flashed in front of me. Your ogre white smile was mirrored on the huge window as I watch the hurt kid walking in rounds crying loudly like a dim light bulb at the blurry corner of my eye. Enough light to burn through the fog. I know this feeling, honestly I do. I do recognize the tingling toes, the warm feeling of dread raging up the legs. The shortened breaths, the blur in front of the eyes and the noise filling up the ears. It feels home again in surreal cynical sense. The ogre smile fills up the window. The traumatized Capuchin monkey in my head jumps up dancing and drumming.

Germany was an extension of you, my auto pilot kept up the cycle. I'm a soldier of abuse, I was formed by authority and in defiance to it I defined myself, tied my very existence to that of her, yes her, authority is feminine, authority is a hugging mother who makes you sweat instead of feeling warm. Ich trotzte… I trotzed. And Germany felt like home. It was a daily business just like it was with you. The charged atmosphere just before the lightning, the fear and anticipation where it would hit, who is the poor soul who'd get struck. I remember asking my sibling while still in bed every morning how is her mood today, did she find a victim yet, if not I'd stay in bed that day.

It's the same here in Berlin every morning, the charged atmosphere that anything bad could happen anytime, a racist comment, an angry old dude teaching you life, an old lady giving you the look, and your boss complimenting your pronunciation before casually correcting it. Your girlfriend telling you you're actually more German than her last German boyfriend to make you feel welcome. Well I feel home, thanks everyone for your help.

My boss shouted at me and I remembered you. I thought I let it go, all of it. I thought it healed. I thought I made my peace.

Germany was built upon the idea of "Trotz", to know what you don't want is easier than knowing what you want. And Germans are efficient so… Well, they are only efficient just to let you know that you are not, with whatever you do, while rubbing it in your face. They were anti-Romans until they formed the holy roman empire. They were anti-French to the point of having a French speaking king as his first language. They were anti-Russian, so they messed up the whole Europe to open up a highway for the soviets into Berlin. They were anti-American so they deep dived into Neolibralism. They were against a united European identity so much so, that they formed the European union. And they hated the Jews so they were the nation with the most military help to Israel. Fuck Israel. Now they are anti-Islam… Fun days are ahead of us really.

Did you ever love me? Without a plan, without a value, without expectations, without payback, without exchange, without conditions… Maybe, to be fair actually, probably. But I couldn't feel it, what came from you instead was a suffocating authority to emphasize on the fragile hierarchy between us. You kept the cycle alive, the extension of god's love - a pity, resentful, jealous and obsessed god, you only knew this love, more like a condition, be this to get that. In my turn I kept the cycle by being angry and against…the "what" does not matter that much. Bara'a keeps saying anger is good, anger is healthy. Anger is actually tiring and I spelled my last burst of energy long ago. I hold my arms up high, beyond the sky, beyond the moon, beyond Saturn, beyond the sun, beyond the darkest motherfucking dark black hole at the edge of knowing, I'm not participating… and you and your god and your rules and plans and ideas and convictions and love and my boss and his company and the whole universe can go and fuck yourselves… in a figurative sense of course, I'm not angry, not anymore, ich trotze nicht, I trotz not.

The hurt kid sat down and took a long breath, he looked at my backpack and saw Palestine flag sewed on it. He looked at me and maybe he saw how far away the gap is between us. I stood up and walked to the window where your face was still glowing. I called the boss of my boss:

"yes, it happened, as you thought." "mmhh" "Yeah" "I know" "No, I don't work like that" "No, all good, but I'm leaving"

I walked out the door, walked down the corridor, went out the office entrance and went all the way to the train station… I revolted. My revolt is to not trotz. I won’t participate.

[spotsupstuff]

Suns is such a bizarre thing actually i have a better grasp on who Wind and Innocence are than fucking Suns. why are they like that. what happened to you. why do you speak like that, baby boy, whats going on in those neurons, baby girl, have you gone bababooya, you thembo? -smacks desk- whas happening to you. answer.

because its strange. back in 2021 i thought they were going to be this cynical but somewhat reliable dude with a respectfully sized well of knowledge. that they were going to be red and even though they gave up on most of everything, they were strong in a way. because they were there to explain things to Pebbles. they were someone he could lean on, he trusted and felt comfortable about- so obviously they were also the opposite of overprotective. because thats what Pebbles needed and because its the polar opposite to who Moon is quite a bit

then Downpour came out and i saw they were yellow and how they spoke with Nish. i am gripped by color theory and what a hue signals about a character to brain, so i came to the conclusion that Suns is an awkward anxious thing who really cant do emotions to save their life. probably has nervous breakdowns every other other hour

but Now im looking at them differently again- im thinking about how RW is filled with opposites. Moon's structure glows blue, Pebbles' glows yellow- their overseer colors are each others. a pinkish red slugcat (Hunter) helps the blue Iterator, a blue slugcat (Rivulet) helps the pink Iterator. one brings life, other brings death to their respective goals. and then we have a Moon and a Sun characters- two most important people to the Iterator we could argue is in a way the main character of RW. the Moon is warm, the Sun is cold, i realize- maybe thats what Suns is supposed to be. they are the opposite to Moon in the sense that they are emotionally cold, they dont really get angry. rather theyd accept cynicism. Moon is optimistic, Suns is sorta a pessimist. Suns is what Pebbles gravitated towards, disregarding Moon. but you do need the Moon for planet's ecosystem and atmosphere, just like you need the Sun

that doesnt mean that Suns doesnt Love the people around them- they do, they most likely love to see the life all around them but they might be ignorant to it until something drastically changes that scares them

basically after two months of pondering ive come to the well accepted conclusion that Suns is actually the biggest dumb fuck that has ever dumb fucked around. bro as a vision impaired individual to apparently another vision impaired individual, how'd you not see that comin, you yellow pasta disaster

anyway, Nish to me is a mix of Sans Undertale and Miguel from The Road to El Dorado colored in green. I Know What You Are, Videocult 👁

[camellia-ep]

UPD8

Sooo… I think it is just the 3 alters now

Esmé/Cameia, My Pisces Sun

Violet/Elle, My Libra Moon

April/Elly, My Sagittarius Rising

Robin was more of a… shape I was contorting to fit. Who knows, Violet might be snarky & bold enough to feel more like a Robin one day. Or that more mature personality will develop, or maybe I’ll just mature.

It was idealistic of me to think of myself & my plurality as one whole made up of 3 equal parts. It’s more that… I bounce around between 3 areas, & exactly where my mind is isn’t always clear.

But I’m always Elle, my inner self. Violet. The shy, nervous, bookish nerd. The awkward writer who wants to help everyone while also talking about Chainsaw Man. But I always forget there’s some of Terezi’s snark in her, & a hint of Lemony eloquence. It’s why I have trouble “being” her unless I need to focus on a task. She freezes & gets in her own head, loses herself in the stream of consciousness, all anxious thoughts & hyperfixations. Islip into this side of myself often, when I’m nervous. & I need to work on her confidence. I used to call her Elly, but I think I’ll switch things around because she’s… skilled but vulnerable, & would rather not be around all the time. She needs to speak her mind more, I think it was a mistake trying to think she was quiet like Nico Robin.

I say Violet is the writer, but it feels like Camellia is the one writing this monologue. Esmé. My core self. My drive. The force of personality that… well is kind of A Bitch. A Pisces sick of being trampled on like a fish & wants to be seen as a beautiful mermaid. Burned out by her empathy, driven by her love of the world & frustrated by the idiots around her. At her heart she just wants to be adored… & to act. To be flamboyant & do weird gestures! Put on accents & be performative. She’s the cynical monologue & inner critic that drives my brain & observes the other alters but well… she has a fucking British accent, & for the moment she’s just how I vent on an empty stage.

Then there’s April, the first alter I discovered. Elly. My outer self. The reason people think I’m an extrovert. The part of me that was embarrassed for being a clown is now transitioning into a goofy, flirty, cuddly bimbo who sings all the time. But her adhd is the worst of any of my alters, & she has trouble being present for long. Lately I strive to be her more often but she can… lose herself, & it’s something I need to work on if I ever want to be in touch with my emotions.

There you have it: my E.P. System

P.S. Sorry for the essay, it’s bc I’ve been putting off NaNoWriMo

So… I made a post when I was manic about my 13 alters. Turns out, I blew it WAY out of proportion & overestimated things. It wasn’t until after my meltdown that i stabilized & really thought about my pluralness, & I *think* I’ve figured out my System.

For a while, I thought I had 3 alters that were an id/ego/superego, Pisces Sun/Libra Moon/Sagittarius Rising, mother/maiden/crone, Hekate/Selene/Artemis trio. But recently I realized a fourth, which leads me to…

The E.P. System

Robin / Eliana

The most recently discovered alter, who is partially a fictive of Nico Robin from One Piece. Kinda the end result of DECADES of “do I want to be with her or BE her” crushes that made me trans. I realized that the more mature stable version of my little little alter is something else entirely. And re-reading the series since the show came out (yes I am a lunatic) made me realize how much I am like her sometimes: calmly sitting off to the side, reading & sipping coffee, laughing or rarely pitching in with a dark joke. And like Robin, she’s a scholar. I think of her as the part of me that wants to be a librarian. But thing is, I have been told that I DO NOT look like a Robin. Which I don’t tbf.

Violet / Elly

My little, who is present much of the time. Little means she’s partially based on me when I was younger, which for me just means anxious nerd. I think of her as the one who takes over when I text, which uh… she isn’t actually much like her namesake Violet Baudelaire, but she does share her author’s frustrating elaborate verbosity in casual settings, which also annoys people. Need to figure out how to channel her & actually WRITE something.

April / Elle

The uh… cuddly one who’s always singing. The songs that are always stuck in my head while my other alters are going back & forth, that’s her. She’s has very bad adhd. And trust me, the name isn’t from what you think it is.

Esmé / Camellia

So this one is complicated, it kinda started as me practicing a British woman’s voice because I couldn’t do a good girl voice otherwise. Then it became a manic delusion of it being my inner goddess, Mother Nature, Gaia. Then it became an alter of Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor from A Series of Unfortunate events, same series as Violet. Now she’s just like, a haughty bitch who’s always cynical & angry at straight people. I’m imagining her as my Aries in Venus, for some reason.

And that’s it… a lot of names…

Right now I’m thinking of changing my legal name to something along to the lines of

Eliana Camellia La Roux (Nico Robin?) Palmer

but Amanda Palmer is problematic so idk