#ftmblog

[fleaworld2]

I deadass desrcibed my dysphoria to my therapist as "mild" once. I was sitting there with three binders on, like "eh it doesn't bother me THAT much..."

well it sure is bothering ur mf ribs dipshit! take that shit off and BREAVE.

[tyworsnop]

07.05.2020 - 10:00, Do

Today i had my appointment with a Surgeon because of my Hysterectomy, Kolpectomy & Clitpen OP. She said i will have two catheters and one of them for 3 Weeks, and the other one for 9 days. I will stay about 10 Days in Hospital, Essen. I spoke to my Therapyst and he said he will write me something to submit the application for my health insurance company, so that i can apply in September then.

[caseysbrain]

“Brovaries”

***Trigger Warning: Menstrual Cycle***

So up until Sunday I was two weeks late for my "monthly visitor" or "that time of the month". My period... My period was late... Now, for some stuuupid reason I assumed my body had finally caught up with my brain and thought oh yeah I'm supposed to be male so I shouldn't bleed every god damn month! if only it were that simple. So when "shark week" did inevitably arrive it hit me like a tone of bricks, like, it normally does but this time someone threw in an extra ten or so bricks. I'm not saying periods are all happy and rosey for women but I'm male... My body shouldn't be bleeding every month like not only am I sat here in my bed at exactly *looks at time* 2:21am(!) with unbearable lower back pain and stomach cramps I also want to rip out/off any "female" part of my body. It makes being transgender 10 times more mentally draining than it already is like HELLO I don't have any use for this body part so if my “brovaries” could stop reminding me they're there and please leave this instant I would highly appreciate it!

p.s. I’ve added the word brovaries to my dictionary and you should too... (:

[trash-on-t-blog]

almost 6 months on T now: I forgot to update because nothing really changed in the last few weeks. I still got the problem with my itchy skin and I am still taking meds because of it. My Doc who gives me the T wanted me to stop taking it for 3 Months but I didn't wanted to. He didn't even listen to my problem and just said that it's from the T and that i could die if i continue taking it and that i just should go home, just to make me stop wasting his time (This guy is from f*cking hell and doesn't like/understand trans people at all.. for all german trans-people out there who happen to live in cologne: Do not ever go to Dr.Kaulen). Also: not T related but I finally officially changed my Name and Gender on my documents and ID and stuff like that. Another thing that other people noticed is that i am way more agressive than i was in the last few months.. i myself didn't notice that at all, so i'm not sure if i'm able to change this and i'm scared to ruin my friendships.

[manmodeactivate]

Does anyone elses dysphoria get so bad that you feel like vomiting? Today is one of those days for me

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

09/23/17

So today, I stumbled upon a bookstore while exploring in Capitol Hill. As I aimlessly wondered around the bookstore, in search of the poetry section, I was drawn into the Gender/Queer Studies section an decided to browse through those books.  For the first time I ever, I was consumed by something in a bookstore other than poetry... I spent almost 45 minutes there, looking for answers, looking for guidance..wondering if any of these people who live inside these books ever felt as lost and confused as I do now.  Because Im pretty comfortable in the PNW and everyones seemingly open-minded ideas, I had no reservations about opening flipping through books frantically, in search of my missing pieces... Back home, I would have looked over my shoulder every second, and felt awkward just being in that general area. But I was comfortable here...almost felt some sort of support in the fact that no one seemed to care that some dyke was hanging out in the transgender section of the bookstore. I realized today, that dyke being associated with female is probably why I hate the word so much...and that’s the first time it’s ever clicked. I cringe at the word and hate it when anyone uses it to describe me and I just now realized it’s because I don’t want to be seen as a strong statured female, I want to be perceived as a strong, tough, male.  And even that is a stretch to say... I feel like when it comes to the spectrum, I for sure lie more with identifying as a male.. But I wouldn’t go as far to say I am a male... I don’t know if it’s fear holding me back from accepting it or if it’s truly just not how I feel but trust me when I tell you, it’s a terrible feeling not being able to trust what your gender even is. I envy the people who lead their lives with such certainty... People who never have to question their sexuality or gender identity or any of the stuff that, to me, feels like it should just come easily.  I don't believe I was born in the right body, but I also don’t believe I was born in the wrong one. I wonder why God would grow me in a womans body if he didn’t want me to be a woman...why would he create this functional, healthy body, if this wasn’t meant to be? But what I feel inside makes me question everything, and the fact that I’m becoming more open about talking about my gender identity, the fact that I wondered into a gender section of a bookstore, and even the fact thatI’m making this very blog, makes me believe that it’s something I need to face more and more everyday...It’s something I need to come to terms with. When I was back home about a month ago, I had my parents kind of open up the conversation to allow me to come out to them if I wished. I’m not ready to make it permanent...I’m not ready to even begin to throw that curveball to my very conservative parents...But I was proud and happy....and also completely surprised, that they opened it up in the only way they knew how to... I just wasn’t ready to take the plunge. Knowing my parents may be open to the fact that I could be trans relieves so much stress for me, but it’s still not enough if I can’t even come to terms with it in myself... I don’t want to be a “freak”....I don’t want to face the awkward stages of transitioning, and I don’t want to make my own life hard... This is a big thing that I struggle with....wondering if some things are better left not acted upon...Wondering if I just stay the way I am, maybe I could be happy, living the life I’m meant to lead in the body I was born in... But even despite an actual title, I hate my boobs. I hate the way they look, I hate the way they feel...I hate the way it feels like I’m carrying the weight of a burden every single day (literally). I dream of days a flat chest would make my shirts flow better....how I’d instantly look 15 pounds less heavy because I wasn’t carrying these massive jugs attached to my chest.... I’m so thankful the PNW has opened my eyes even more to to the fact that my body may not align with my gender because I believe it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time now. It’s crazy how deep into burying a hatchet you can get that you don’t even realize what haunts you.. I’m tired of running scared from what might be my truth. I’m ready to work through the cobwebs and face my own truth... Whatever it takes, I’m slowly accepting that I’m wading in the grey... No more black and white, there’s so much grey in my life, and I’m ready to accept whatever shade fits who I’m meant to be.

[swirls-for-gratitude]

3-2-2016 I emailed my boss last night. I told her my pronouns and that I'd be correcting anyone who referred to me differently. She said that everyone would respect that. And today they did! They referred to me as he! It made me feel a lot better and much more comfortable. I even talked to my coworkers and we joked around a little. It felt really great. Something really hard about being away from home is not seeing my wonderful California friends. I hope I make some out here soon. Even if it's not with my coworkers, it feels really nice talking to people. A total plus: there was this HUGE husky puppy today ;_______; SO FLUFFY. CRY. Today felt a lot better then yesterday!

[the-twentyfirst-pil0t]

FTM Blog & YouTube

Hey guys! I stated a blog about my transition on here: my-way-to-jo.blogspot.de My latest YouTube video: https://youtu.be/tPAU5BT-gYI Go check it out :D

[kadechasescats666-blog]

Shot Day Blues

I really dread the few days before and after shot day. I have started calling them the shot day blues. A few days before I turn into this almost slug human hybrid where I refuse to move from the couch unless I am about to shit in my pants. When I do finally remove myself from the couch I move very slowly throughout the house. I like to call this "grumping". My grumping quickly turns into some crazy shit I call rage days. About 30 minutes after my shot this will kick in. The rage only lasts for 1-2 days. I am quite aggressive and sexually frustrated on these days. Tonight I get my shot so I am very very sleepy right now and I am having my taxes done so I can't exactly go into my netflix binge. I should probably start working out, but I am too lazy.

[fleaworld2]

nothing more humbling than having to explain Kalvin Garrah and transmedicalism in a therapy session

[tyworsnop]

07/02/2019 - 02:06, Do

Hey guys, i‘ve been very depressed lately.

My ex boyfriend won’t try to understand my feelings, which makes me uncomfortable. He said „i will call you by your birthname anyways and you don’t have a penis, so you’re not a Man“ and stuff like that. It sucks. Also, i can’t find a good psychotherapyst which makes getting on T very difficult.. i want to end it all rn. I just can’t handle it anymore.. I want to Die so bad atm. I wanna commit Suicide.

[caseysbrain]

4:43am

Laying wide awake with a massive headache because you can't figure if your friend had accidentally called you she a couple times or whether she was referring to someone else in the group and anxiety got it all confused.

- tired and stressed Casey 🥴

[trash-on-t-blog]

about 3,5 months on T now: my voice keeps dropping and people notice. I have to shave my face once or twice a week now. The problem with my itchy skin got worse.. I've got "hives/urticaria"-like symptoms, jet this is not the case because given medication isn't effective- so my doc is sure that this is somehow the cause of T. I also got more hair on my legs and my skin got worse again, especially on my back and my shoulders. Apart from this i don't really notice anything new.

[manmodeactivate]

Trans realisations #1

A few years ago i would call myself a gay girl instead of a lesbian and i had no idea why the term made me so uncomfortable. Now i get it

[c-you-on-the-otherside]

04/29/18

I needed to take the time and sit and collect my thoughts.  I’m on a journey that won’t slow down for anybody, and sometimes, it feels like that even includes myself. I live a lifestyle of up and go, and I guess, as of now, it’s becoming to be a lot when also weighing in the emotional weight of my transition. A lot has happened since I last took the time to post. With how rushed getting me to Hawaii was, I didn’t even get the chance to sit and reflect about how I’m feeling. With being home with family and all the events that occurred there, no matter how small, to my birthday, to the things that have started occurring out here, there’s a lot to be said.

Let’s start with my very short visit home. Me and my mom take a trip to get my fit test done, and get into a fight on the way back home when we start talking about me being trans. She claims she doesn’t understand and can’t wrap her head around the fact that some people can just claim they are trans, and have that be enough. She keeps asking why I can’t just say I am....why can’t I be okay with not surgically transitioning. She says it’s asking for more problems... I’ve noticed I get the most defensive around her when she asks questions that I can’t provide a solid answer to. I know she wants an explanation that’s more than “Well that’s just not my journey....my journey is different..” and when I can’t provide more than that, because I myself don’t have more than that, I get very angry, towards her, but also to myself.  My mom also has a hard time with the WAY she says things. This is probably the cause of a lot of our fights (that and I have absolutely 0 patience with her) seeing as we’ve butted heads since I became old enough to speak up for myself. My mother is a saint with good intentions...and she doesn’t ever mean any harm in what she says or does, but sometimes she can come off a little rough. After she noticed how upset her comment made me she tried to back track and explain that she didn’t mean to offend me but the damage was already done.  When we got home, I took some space from her and cried about another comment she had made about how my dad is not on board at all... When I came down from my emotions, I reflected back on the conversation to see how much my mom is trying, how open she is to learning, and how accepting she is of me, in spite of her not understanding. My mom loves me more than anything in this world, and nothing could ever change that...I know. I headed downstairs, hugged her tight, and apologized about how I was wrong to get upset with her. I told her I knew she was trying and how much I appreciated that and that I loved her very very much. She started crying and told me she was trying, and that she knows that sometimes she says things wrong, but she’s just trying to understand. She walked into the other room, grabbed 2 books, and placed them in front of me. My mother had bought books, novels about transgender stories and educational material, and had started reading. She told me how much they’ve been helping to bring her acceptance, but admitted that there still was a lot she needed to learn. My heart overflowed with how proud I was of her, to put forth that effort, to spend that money, and to take that TIME, to learn and grow so that she can support her CHILD better. This isn’t easy on my mom, but watching the journey of her not allowing this to become about HER, and letting it be about me, as well as my own journey to being patient with her and her process, shows me how much we both have grown, and how beautiful and strong our bond has become throughout our years of struggle.  When we got back onto the topic of my father, she scoffed about how he isn’t budging at all. My dad has completely clammed up. He won’t talk about it, to anyone, and anytime my mom is reading a book or educating herself he rolls his eyes.  Back in February, one of my friends who is now a therapist sent me info on this transgender seminar that they are holding in a town over from ours. The speaker is a mother of a FTM child and I guess discusses the struggles and hardships of going through that but also about how to be a supporter. This is a rare occurrence seeing as we come from such a small and closed-minded community. Not thinking my mom would ever take the step, I forwarded the info and told her that it might help her to go to something like this.  I found out, while I was home, that my mom fucking bought TWO tickets to the seminar which is to be held sometime in May. NOT ONLY DID SHE DO THAT, but she fucking called the office that this girl is a psychologist at to BOOK AN APPOINTMENT WITH HER ONE ON ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MAMMA DIANE.

Honestly, my heart basically exploded. If anyone knows my mom, like really knows her, they know that my mom is as sheltered as they come. To honestly witness her doing all of this to better understand me, makes me the happiest fucking person in the world. 

Continuing on, when I asked her if dad was going to go she told me that he said he would never go to something like that and that he wouldn’t go with her. A few days later when we brought it up again, my mom told me the full story, about how her and dad fight about it all the time, and that she bought these 2 tickets and she is going to MAKE him go. Pause for a moment, you all need to know that my mom has probably NEVER stood up to my father. What he says goes, and my mom has always just kinda put up with his shit. Continuing on, she snapped on him. Told him that he was going to go with her an that he needed to get a grip. She reminded him something I told her not too long after I came out to them that I was doing this whether they liked it or not, and whether they are standing there with me while I do it or not, is up to them. But I’m doing it. SO SHE TOLD HIM. And my dad had nothing to say. I’m anxious to see if he ends up going with her, so I’ll keep you guys updated within the next coming weeks.  Fast forward to breakfast with my brother, sister-in-law, and mom. Everything is going fine and dandy, I’ve got my sweatshirt on, and my jeans, and a frontwards flat brim to tie it all together. Corey, being the popular man he is in town, was approached by an older gentleman who started chatting it up. At the end of the conversation he pointed at me and smiled an said, “Is this your son...?” We all kinda stopped for a second before laughing and he was like “uhhhhh nope that’s my sister...” The guy was super embarrassed but I was proud. I think it’s funny how I get labeled a guy in my hometown far more than I ever do anywhere else... When he walked away my brother shrugged and was like, “Shoulda just said yep!” Everyone laughed and we moved on, and no one died just becauseI’m transgender.

Went out the night before me and my mom left for Boston. We all had dinner at the Sporting Club  and invited this guy named Glen who is like, basically an adopted child to our family because he’s good friends with my brothers and is always around. So it was me, my parents, Corey, my sister-in-law, and Glen, and we all took off to dinner. Now, my family likes to drink. We love to drink and we love to have fun and we like to celebrate things worth celebrating. It was my birthday weekend and it was Glen’s birthday day and I was also leaving for Hawaii in just a few short days.  As we were all around the table, in the bar area, drinking, my mom made a comment that was super adorable. I forget the specifics, but we were joking around how Glen is an adopted son to my mom and dad. And drunkinly, my mom was like, “I have 3 sons!” Me and my mom made eye contact for just a few short moments after that comment, and she gave me a soft smile and directly to me was like, “4, actually.”  I was drunk, and she was drunk, so the weight of that moment kinda went off to the side, but WOW that was HUGE. It happened for a split second but time stopped for a moment and my mom is honestly the best person. I spent the rest of the night having a heart to heart with my sister in law because she is literally the best person. She’s never flinched. When I struggled in high school from depression, when coming out, through all of it, she’s always always been there to just GET IT. And she just GETS THIS too. It’s such an awesome feeling and I genuinely feel I can talk to her about anything, so I did. I forget everything that was said, but I know we had a very good conversation and I know she commented on how the name Calvin appeared on netflix and how she liked that name a lot for me. 

Fast forward through me and my moms trip to Boston, other than my birthday, not much happened in regards to my trans stuff.  Basically, my birthday came around and half my friends refer to me as Cal, while the other half, who have known me much longer, are struggling to make the change. I fully understand this, but these “new” friends of mine don’t, and got frustrated at the fact my other friends were “misgendering” me and calling em by the wrong name. It’s nice, to have people like that, but I also need to have patience, especially with those who have known me forever and especially with those who don’t know any better. My “new” friends made the reservation under Calvin, which then kinda forced me to tell my mom that some people would probably be calling me Calvin that night. My mom didn’t say much, but needless to say she didn’t like the name. I explained to her why I couldn’t have her and dad have a say in it and that this was my call for lots of reasons. She respected it and we moved on. That night, the hibachi guy tried to ask me for my name so that he could sing happy birthday (see video posted at an earlier date)... I don’t know if it was me, or the fact that it’s so new to all my old friends, or the fact that straight up the woman who birthed me was there, but I could not say Cal for the life of me. I choked and got out a mere UHHHHH, and the guy rolled with it, luckily. My mom got a good laugh, and everyone got a good laugh..even I got a good laugh, but deep down I was mortified. That was my first time out of Seattle, around people who love and accepted me as Cal, and I couldn't even be my full self. I felt discouraged, disappointed, and ashamed. I had left my safety bubble in Seattle and learned that not every place is going to be as accepting as the West Coast.

Fast forward and we are in Hawaii. I want to say that I hate it, but it is getting better, and I’m trying to work at not saying I hate it so that my energy can be channelled into actually making the best of my time here.  But I do not feel safe here. Let alone the fact that I am trans, Hawaiians just hate white people in general. I feel very on guard, very unprepared, and not welcomed at all to be myself in my entirety. I even had a conversation with my brother when I first interviewed for Hawaii before I even got it and asked him “at what point does traveling not become worth it if I have to compromise who I am and put on hold what I am to become”.... My brother hit me back with the whole “you’ll figure it out...” and “how often can you say you’ve lived in hawaii” and we moved on... The one thing about my brother is that he’s awesome, and he’s sensitive, and he's my go to guy, but he’s also your typical cis male... Meaning, he doesn’t want to get caught up in the small stuff, he doesn’t want to dig to help me find meaning, or check in with how I’m feeling all the time. And I feel like now that I’m just one of the boys, he probably feels less “watery” to me and more of a “toughen up” kinda attitude. I’ve felt that shift, but maybe I’m just being paranoid.  But Hawaii has been tough. I feel like I’ve had to fully put my life on hold to be here, and though I’m “in paradise” as all my friends say, I don’t know how beautiful a place can actually be if who you are has to be compromised to stay safe and to keep everyone around you happy. That being said, I downloaded tinder to make friends. Th way tinder works is that you can put your trans all you want and you can write whatever you feel like in your bio, but it takes your name off your Facebook. Since I’m not out publically, my name is still Carissa on Facebook, so my name is that but my profile says to call me Cal. Long story short, I met a travel ED nurse on there who works at the same place I do. We got to talking and everything was fine and dandy up until I met her in person at work. Things got awkward and now we don’t talk and I wonder if it’s because I’m trans on my profile but don’t present myself as very masculine, especially while wearing scrubs. Today was actually the first time we physically encountered in the same patients room, and let me tell you, it was awkward as fuck. I introduced myself as Carissa while she was standing there and instantly just felt super insecure about what she was thinking. I’m not getting tripped up on that though...she leaves on Wednesday as her assignment is up, nd I guess it’s a lesson learned that I’m not ready for anyone in my professional circle to know about me being trans as they first hand witness the shit show of whats called my double ass life. I made two other friends out here. Two travel nurses, who were in my orientation group, actually ended up being my neighbors. And not just neighbors, like hey you live in my same condo, this is like neighbors like oh fuck you live right across the hall. We all had the day off this past Thursday and we drove out to Kona to have a beach day.  This really concerned me because of the fact that I have body hair...My legs and underarms have gotten pretty gnarly and though I am proud of it, and though it makes me feel masculine, it also makes me super self conscious in public because I know I’m not outwardly viewed as male. I thought about this for some time, wondering if I should find a way to tell them about my being trans or if I should just hope they don’t see or if I should just embrace it. I really struggled with this because I really like them, and I like there company and they are really good people. At the same time they are from Delaware and I know nothing about the upbringing of the people from there. I really just want to make this experience in Hawaii a good one, and befriending them has already provided a light in my world, and I don’t want something stupid to jeopardize it. So I chose to embrace it and the more I embraced it the more happy I was with my decision. Because I shouldn’t feel forced into telling people I’m trans because of my body hair.....if I am uncomfortable with it, I shouldn’t feel the need to share. I have shared with as many people as I have because I have felt a sense of comfort in those specific people. I don’t OWE it to anyone to tell them. I don’t have to EXPLAIN myself to anyone....I can just be me, despite the titles and labels....I can just be myself. And so that’s what I was. They definitely saw because I went all out in a tank and some shorts and I lathered up with sunscreen right in front of them and no one said anything or acted weird at all. This is still a huge learning curve for me and I know its something I’m going to feel challenged on every single day, but it was empowering, to go in there guns blazing, not giving a damn. Hey, if people aren’t going to like me for a little body hair, or better yet, if people take it upon themselves to put two and two together, and come out of the realization not wanting to be my friend, then I don;’t need em. I got plenty of people at home who support me...and I don’t need anyone who doesn’t want me.

I’m going to try to keep you guys updated more but life gets busy and sometimes I need time to myself to even process this stuff myself. Once I’m able to do that, it’s usually easier to get it all down on here. So just be patient with me and know that I’m working on building myself too. Stay strong, beautiful souls. Always here for you all <3

[swirls-for-gratitude]

My first day.... From the other day.

Oops. Posted this on the wrong blog…..

From 2-29-2016

It went very well!! I played with like 1000 dogs. I am very sleepy, but very happy I get to call this my new job!

I was referred to as “she” once. Made me feel sad. I wore my binder, even packed a sock, Y'know…… I tried. I didn’t really get a moment to butt in and correct them which bummed me out more. 
 I kept referring to myself as my cat’s dad or the new guy.

Maybe they heard? It doesn’t matter. I must try much harder to correct them!! This is who I am, it is nonnegotiable. I am honestly a lot more intimidated than I thought I would be about everything. Like weak in the knees intimidated.

I fear the rejection I know that is enviable. I also know I shouldn’t judge people right off the bat… But I honestly don’t trust them. (not just my new coworkers, I mean anyone)

I have a hard time trusting someone I haven’t known for a long time. I have a reason that someday I’ll talk about.

Anyone out there have advice?

I feel like a fool nonetheless. But it was my first day. At my job & out as a man to strangers…. Even if they didn’t see that…. There is always tomorrow.