#frillyisms

[frillythingy]

This may very well be my last update.

Things never did get better. I’ve been hurting so so much. I’ve lost basically everyone I ever cared about. I’ve never felt so alone and abandoned in all of my life. I’ve also never felt so certain that life had nothing to offer me. Every day is a pain that I just can’t keep enduring. It’s not fair to expect me to suffer forever.

I told myself a year ago that this April would mark when I make my final decision. By April’s end, I would decide if I have any reason to keep trying. And if life continued to be as miserable and awful as it is, I would finally give up entirely. Cuz I can’t just keep going on and on like this. I don’t have that kind of endurance. Especially not alone.

So far, NOTHING has improved. I’m still alone, I’m still suffering, I’m still worthless, I still make no money, I still can’t do the things I love, and it’s becoming clearer that these will never get better ever again.

You can blame me if you want to. I know it’s my fault for losing the people I loved most. I know I’m terrible at being a friend. And you can blame me for being weak and giving up too. But I just can’t do this forever. My mind wasn’t well to begin with. NORMAL life had been difficult. But this? This life where I can never do anything I love and I will always be alone? This is impossible. I can’t keep torturing myself by fighting a losing battle. It’s not fair to me.

So I make my final decision on April 30th. And it seems extremely likely that I’ll decide it’s time to stop. Unless something miraculous were to happen that involved becoming free again and my friends forgiving my stupid terrible self, I’m going to shut down entirely. Especially because my birthday is in may, and I don’t want to have to be reminded again of what I’ve lost.

I’m sorry it has to come to this. But I’m tired. I can’t fight forever. I’m not well. The only reason I made it as far as I did was because of the help of my beloved friends and family. But now they’re gone and things just keep getting worse.

I hope you all remember how amazing you all are and how much each and every one of you meant to me. Please don’t take my failure as a reason to give up on yourselves. Hate me if you wish, but never forget that I believe in you all.

I might say something again at April’s end. I might not. Writing this hurts a lot. But I was willing to do it because I think you all deserve to know what happened to me.

I wish you all the best.

-Madeline

(A.k.a. Frillythingy, Coffee Fueled Author)

[frillythingy]

I was put through so many medical tests. 

They told me what I already knew I had, and a few new things that I was unaware of that I get to worry about now. 

And they still have no clue what to do to help.

It’s so hard to want to keep trying when it feels like theres been *no* progress. 

[frillythingy]

Now my phone is dead. 

I can’t afford a new one. I cant afford to fix my computer or to fix my car. I barely afford my medication. 

I haven’t had a commission in 2 years.

I can’t do this. I absolutely despise myself. 

[frillythingy]

I'm lying awake being completely eaten alive by guilt for being so so stupid and letting every last one of my friends down. The guilt is so miserably painful. If I am doomed to this for the rest of my life, I'm not sure I'll last very long. I just can't take the thought of hurting people. It's something I can't handle.

[frillythingy]

I'm too anxious to contact some of my closest internet friends cuz I'm terrified they hate me. So I stay up all night every night convinced I'm a terrible person for making my internet friends hate me by not talking to them. And that makes me too scared to talk to them cuz they hate me for not talking to them hhhhhnnnnggg. I'm so tired...

[frillythingy]

Heading back home later today. Here's hoping my anxiety doesn't come back the second I leave this place. TwT

[frillythingy]

Everything sucks about having Agoraphobia. But ya wanna know what the worst part is? Being 100% convinced that everyone hates you and getting too completely terrified to talk to them as a result, leading to the most crippling feelings of isolation. In short, the worst part of being agoraphobic is the loneliness. TwT

[frillythingy]

Heading up north for a week. I'm gonna have nothing but time, so y'all should let me know what kind of stuff you think I should work on. ;3 And even though signals are spotty and I may take a little longer to respond to stuff, you should also send me little messages just to say hi so I don't get lonely up there. TwT Hopefully I'll have tons of art when I get back! Thanks for always being awesome! I love you all~

[frillythingy]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, what with it apparently being pride month and all. I see people in happy relationships and it reminds me that I've never been in one. I'm over a quarter of a century old and I've never had a significant other. I WANT to be in a relationship. I want to know what it feels like to have someone who loves me and cares about me and who'll let me use them as a pillow and who could be mine as much as I'd be theirs. But being a sex-repulsed asexual... Well, I feel like it would be such a deal breaker. I don't want to spring it on someone after already building the beginnings of a relationship, but I also don't want to introduce myself with "hi, before we even get to know each other at all, I just wanna say I'm asexual, but please continue!!" I guess it comes from being so ignorant to how relationships work. Eh. It's frustrating. It makes me feel like I'm inadequate and that I'm someone that no one would ever want as their significant other. I'm just that lousy of a catch. But, hey! That's also why my friends are so very important to me! I may not be in a relationship, but I'm always so thankful that I have my awesomely amazing friends to make me feel like I'm actually worth something! And maybe one day I'll get to know what a more romantic relationship feels like... I just need to actually learn how to find someone, heh.

[frillythingy]

Who are all you people suddenly reading some of my stories? AND WHY. WONT. YOU. LEAVE ME. A REVIEW. In all honesty, though, please review an authors stories! :3 It means so much to them! Feedback is super important! TELL AN AUTHOR (OR AN ARTIST OR WHOMEVER) THAT YA LOVE EM. YA DONT NEED A REASON. I PROMISE YOU'LL MAKE THEIR DAY.

[frillythingy]

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! It means so so much to me, and I appreciate each and every one of you! I plan on responding individually to a few of you as well, but will do so in the near future. 

I’m just really panicked right now? It happens after every event that I get myself psyched up for. Afterwards, I feel like my art is just awful and doesn’t improve, I feel like no one reads or enjoys my stories, and I feel like I don’t know what the heck to do with my time cuz why bother if no one will care about it.

It’ll pass! It’s just going to be a really really hard day today. I’m fighting the urge to hide away for a week without talking to anyone, heh. 

I’ll let you know when I get over this so you can expect more art and stuff. I do so apologize for delays. 

[frillythingy]

This cardiac monitor sucks. I am not doing good.

[frillythingy]

My birthday is on Saturday and all I want is coffee and plushies help.

[frillythingy]

I need a new discord server to chill at. But all my attempts to find one so far have turned up nothing. Why is it that I see them all the time when I'm not looking for one, but the second I AM they all disappear? I think I'm just really bad at finding things, haha. X3

[frillythingy]

RIGHT.

Where my artist friends at? I need new collabs and art trades to work on! 

YEAH YEAH WORK WITH ALL THE TALENTED ARTISTS

[frillythingy]

Someone asked me when my birthday is. It's May 26th. I'll be 26. I'm also having an absolutely terrible day where my self loathing is out of control, but that's another story