#friend trauma

[hiding-in-my-blanket-fort]

.

Just doing a brain dump to get it off my mind. And to make sure I talk about it, rather than bottling it up.

Since I'm reading a stack of toxic family self help books, I've been re-evaluating the way I perceive myself, my self belief system, etc. I was an anxious, shy, introverted kid. I also suspect neurodivergence plays a big role as well.

So, I had trouble socializing. I was often thrown into a big group of kids with my loud, extroverted, boisterous brother and obviously people flocked to him. He was also the Golden Child so my mother told me to be more like him "because people liked him." The implication was loud and clear that they didn't like me.

She gave me conflicting messages that messed with my head. On one hand, she said, "When you're quiet, people think you're a bitch." (Gee! Thanks!)

On the other hand, whenever I expressed frustration at my lack of friends or social belonging, she said, "What do you have to complain about? Everyone loves you!"

That just made me confused. Did people actually like me? Was I not giving myself enough credit? What was I not seeing here?

But looking back, I realize that I was right. I did not have social belonging or acceptance of any kind.

I had one long term friend. She moved away and we were pen pals for 10 years. But she loved to drop little hints and comments to put me down, i.e. when she repeatedly brought up how she was having literary analysis chats with her college friends about Twilight. "You wouldn't understand. This is what you talk about in college." I went to college a year or two later.

One time, she described our friendship as Frodo and Sam. Which would have been an honor if she'd just stopped there. But she described herself as Frodo because she was "the hero of the friendship, going on adventures". Meanwhile, she dubbed me as Sam, "the sidekick who stays home and bakes pies, being domestic" (I have multiple severe food intolerances so I have to cook a lot of my own food, but she didn't know how to cook, like it was beneath her because she was An Academic Scholar).

It was kinda...gut wrenching tbh. Sam fucking carried Frodo up that mountain. But she did not describe me that way.

My other "friends" never showed interest in what I was interested in. They pushed their interests all the time, but when I shared what I was excited about, I was met with bored expressions or dismissive comments. I read their favorite books and watched their favorite movies, but they didn't give a damn about my favorite anything.

And I'm not saying I did it expecting reciprocity. But there has to be a balance. I talked myself out of expecting any return interest. I was supposed to just pour myself into them, again and again, because it was "selfish" to expect anyone to be interested in me.

And then I wondered why I felt so empty. If you're spending all the time on them, and they can't be bothered with you in return, something isn't right.

In group settings, it's almost physically painful and I struggle to just stay afloat. There's too much happening, I'm overwhelmed by all the social cues flying around, I never know when I can talk, and it's taking so much energy that it's killing me but I can't even meet the bare minimum.

I have a vivid memory of sitting in a group and interjecting a comment about art. The loudest asshole guy in the group who had been commandeering the whole chat said, "Well, there goes the INTERESTING conversation we were having!" And it hurt so fucking much because it takes a lot for me to speak up, especially when it comes to something I care about.

I was even rescued from a group once. It was a teen outing and everyone was really rowdy and loud, practically climbing all over my brother. I sat at the far end of the table feeling invisible. One of the chaperones tapped me on the shoulder and suggested we visit the art gallery next door, saying that she knew what it was like to be stuck in a situation like that.

It was very kind of her to do that, but it's also just...fucking sad.

A few years ago, I thought I was making friends with two girls I worked with. But they both had big friend groups already. And I swear they could smell my lack of friends on me or something. It was so casual for them to have group chats, order food for each other, plan a movie outing, swap phone numbers. They didn't have to think about it because it was natural and well practiced to them.

I've never done that. It's foreign to me.

I worked with one "friend" to celebrate the other "friend's" birthday. We made a poster, cards, balloons, gifts, etc in the middle of Covid. She didn't say anything to me, but she profusely thanked the other friend. It really felt...deflating. Around me, she acted like nothing happened.

I drew a portrait of a friend's 14yo dog who had passed away (it wasn't a shitty drawing either, I've exhibited art in Yellowstone and Cape Cod). I kept asking her if it showed up, again and again. She said no, it hadn't arrived. THREE MONTHS LATER, I practically begged her to go look at the post office. She picked it up, said, "Thanks!" and we never spoke again.

All of these instances have caused me pain I wasn't allowed to feel or admit to. If I did, my mother said I couldn't complain. "At least people are talking to you! You should be grateful!"

No. That's not how it works.

I am sharing part of myself here. I am expressing appreciation for a friend by making them meaningful gifts, showing interest in their lives, and it is not reciprocated.

That is fucking damaging.

I'm coming to the realization just how big of an impact these instances have had on my self belief. I really struggle to think of myself as a person worthy of...anything. I can't fathom someone showing interest in me in any way because...of this. Because this is my history.

It doesn't have to be my future. I can learn to cultivate better friendships. I can learn that walking away is better than forcing a relationship that is going to cut me down and think less of myself.

But first, I need to recognize that I've had a shitty history and I need to accept that it wasn't fair.

I also need to learn - somehow - that just because people in my past didn't give a shit about me doesn't make me a boring person. Just because they couldn't value me doesn't mean I'm not valuable.

It's hard to type that. And I can't really get myself to believe it yet. But I'll work on it.

[gecko-s-greenhouse]

lessons learned from a bad friend

#1: learn to say no. it's far better than ghosting.

summary: this "friend" made it the responsibility of me and other close friends to interpret her non-actions to mean no, she wasn't interested.

example 1: when a group of mutual friends would make plans to go out to dinner, she would often offer only dead silence first on the group chat, then in individual DMs when the group was trying to get a final head count.

example 1a: in another instance, a different group was trying to pull together interest in purchasing some product to reach a free shipping minimum. this "friend" had previously expressed interest in joining a group purchase, but again, when it finally came to the time to pull the trigger, she ghosted both group messages and DMs.

later, when confronted, she would only offer, "well, you should know me by now. i see every message that comes in, and if i choose to ignore it, that means i'm not interested."

um, excuse me. no. you're a grown-ass adult, and part of that is DEIGNING to respond to your so-called friends. what is so hard about, "sorry, i can't make it this time," or, "sorry, i changed my mind, i'll sit out this one." IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON TO SAY NO.

plus, what gives you the right to make someone else be the bearer of bad news? what if the group is getting ready to leave and someone says, "where's [name]?" and then you force the group to either feel bad for leaving you behind, or you force someone else to convey that you're not coming based on what essentially boils down to an assumption because you couldn't be bothered to learn to communicate.

who gave you the platform to foist the responsibility and burden of emotional labor onto your friends? or do you see them as minions? why do you think this attitude of holier-than-thou, i'm above the concerns of you immature twenty-somethings is becoming when you are part of the problem?

[mynnthia]

was talking with a friend about how some of dunmeshi fаndom misunderstands kabru's initial feelings towards laios.

to sum up kabru's situation via a self-contained modernized metaphor:

kabru is like a guy who lost his entire family in a highly traumatic car accident. years later he joins a discord server and takes note of laios, another server member who seems interesting, so they start chatting. then laios reveals his special interest and favorite movie of all time is David Cronenberg's Crash (1996), and invites kabru to go watch a demolition derby with him

[skittythekitty]

Why did I ever give these people another chance???

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, I guess.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Michael is very subtle about his daddy issues in FNAF..

[whatevenisexisting]

I want to believe her I want to believe her I want to believe her.

I totally respect she doesn’t want to talk about her sexuality.

But it’s the second part, that she is in a difficult season and that she said she values me, but her capacity is small for us to call or chat over video.

I knew our friendship changed when she left for college.

Before I started college she was married and when I was in college, she already had a baby.

We were in different seasons of life then but she showed up for me when I needed it, she made it clear how much she respects me and still sees me as important.

And I wanted to do the same, I tried to do the same, but she just wasn’t as open with me. Probably because she had a husband and other friends and a daughter.

It makes sense.

I feel like I’ve always seen her as more important to me, and it’s because she WAS so important to me. She is such an amazing friend and was there for me when I needed her and words cannot describe how deeply I value her.

I know she values me.

But those words, I guess they’re triggering.

Does does she mean them?

The “but” part, is that a hint? Does she mean it when she says she values me BUT her capacity is small right now?

Is that all she means?

Is there a deeper message there?

A message that is maybe not something she is saying, just that she really doesn’t view me as a friend and she would not miss me if I disappeared?

It’s happened before. Where I was told I was valued, loved, valued, and lied to.

It’s happened before and that’s why I’m triggered.

I can’t put this on her. I thanked her for being honest and straight with me because it helps my anxiety, and told her friend trauma makes it hard to believe, but I added that at ten years of friendship, I feel like I can trust her.

I hate it. I hate that I said that.

Because even if she reassured me again, I won’t believe her fully. I just can’t.

I don’t experience this with other friends, but I know, because of where we are at in our friendship, that we are secure.

I think the lack of closeness is what makes this friendship feel insecure, even though it’s been this way for a long time. And not in a bad way - more like, it just is. I’ve grown to accept it. We are at such different stages in life and it fucking sucks, but right now that’s just how it is. She’s a mom and a wife and a teacher, I’m a single person living by myself with my cats, bio kids aren’t coming out of me and I only see foster kiddos in my future right now. I finally work a full-time job but since 2017 i was in college, save for most of 2020 (COVID) and a short break after May 2022 (looking for a job for six months).

It’s hard to put all of this into words for me. I want to believe her. Some part of me knows she is being honest but another part of me just. Can’t. Another part of me, the part of me that’s been betrayed and lied to, by one friend in particular, is saying, “She doesn’t mean it. In fact, what’s she saying Liza, is that she “values” you but she wouldn’t be sad if your friendship ended, she wouldn’t care. She sees you as a person yeah, and she respects you, but a friend? Not really.”

“You’re not that important to her.”

But even that is not quite capturing what my thoughts are saying.

I guess what it comes down to is that I’m just. Triggered.

And it’s not her fault. It’s something I have to take responsibility for, and I am, by writing this out anonymously on a blog, and by bringing it up in therapy tomorrow.

I have to believe her.

There is no reason to not believe her.

Here is what I’m saying to me in closing:

A, her actions were as empty as her words. She didn’t show up when you needed her, she didn’t even try. She made it clear to you that she didn’t see you as a friend anymore because of her actions, even if what she said was different. She lied to you, and you have every right to be hurt.”

“You were not important to her.”

Because of what she did, it makes sense that you are triggered and anxious in this moment.

But V? She hasn’t done this. Her actions always matched her words, in whatever way she had capacity and time for. When you told her you felt like she didn’t care, she called and left voicemails. When you were first in college, she sent you sweet cards Just Because. She invited you to her wedding. She let you visit her and her husband and her daughter. She is honest with you, telling you that she doesn’t have a lot of capacity but still values you. She is honest with you by setting her boundaries. She sometimes heart reacts your stories, or replies to what you send her. She acknowledges you.”

“You are important to her.”

V’s actions match her words.

It is allowed to hurt because you do want to be closer, but it is not something she can give right now. And that’s okay. It is okay to hurt just as much as it’s okay for her to have set that boundary.

The two can co-exist.

I was supposed to talk about my mom in therapy tomorrow but this is what I feel may need to be more important, at least in the moment. It might change. That’s okay.

Time to get back to dinner.

[thatrandomblogsays]

Percy: *sacrifices himself to save his friends*

Grover & Annabeth: having PTSD flashbacks

[seventeendeer]

ppl are too quick to point to laios' disability as the reason his friends think he's a freak sometimes. so many instances of laios getting yelled at are, in my eyes, a case of "this guy had to emotionally mature very early in order to be there for his little sister" combined with "much older friends who never had to learn to manage their own emotions to the same degree"

a lot of the time he's right about needing to be more direct/deal with things in a way that may seem scary/needing to put your gut reaction aside. he tries not to make his friends uncomfortable and he puts up with a lot because he's trying to keep the peace, but he also pushes the others out of their comfort zones purposefully to try to get them to think more constructively. everyone else in the party is prone to acting on their gut instincts and avoiding uncomfortable situations even when facing them head-on is very much necessary. part of what makes laios such a great leader is the fact that he knows from experience how to put his own feelings aside to help someone else grow.

yes, he does make a lot of social blunders by accident and he does struggle to connect with others, but not all of his positive influence on others is accidental or "despite" making people uncomfortable. a lot of the time, I think it's clear he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to help the people around him process emotions in a healthy way as they all go through some truly harrowing shit. all the main characters support each other as well as they can with their unique emotional skillsets. laios' skillset just happens to be "gently talk child into eating her vegetables"

[leos-regression-cove]

Nursery/Daycare idea:

A growth-chart style graphic for Littles next to the door of the nursery that functions similar to a clip-chart so that Caregivers don't need to use cues from their Little to figure out how old they feel and so that Littles don't need to pick a hard number, but instead it's more organized by "height" (more like baby, toddler, preschooler, elementary school, middle school, middle and adult).

And then if you have two Littles you can have multiple clips and kiddos and move them around to keep track. This could also be helpful if you're a flip or are working with another flip!

Here's how I envision it looking :D

Original image from firstgradegalore.blogspot.com

[ciderjacks]

thinking again about how much trust he had to have in Laios to recommend his own daughter in case he dies

[lilac-diatribes]

[bugcatcherkit]

Man that sure is a Situation where two 14 year olds push the limits of each other’s trauma responses until they both reach extreme breaking points. and then they deal with the aftermath basically all by themselves. Isn't that super awesome and totally not kinda fucked up at all.

[skittythekitty]

I trusted you with my life and when the moment arose, you left. Why aren’t I over it yet?

[bigfatbreak]

"what's the biggest difference in Tom's character in the dad villain au" you've never seen a papa-bear go so grizzy mode so fast

[cerleansky]

My therapist was so real for saying the meaning of life is found in connection.

People hug their friends when they meet up and hug them a little tighter when it comes time to say goodbye. My grandfather rebuilt the broken rocking horse my grandmother had as a child, a gift from her father. There's an indescribable ache that goes along with seeing someone you used to know intimately, the becoming of a common stranger. Coincidences that bind, one time I got an uber and the driver used to live in my home before me. It was the last place he saw his father alive as a child and he nearly cried when I told him the walls were still the same colour.

Has anyone ever gotten over their childhood best friend? Is that alone not a testament to the fact we are more than blood and bones.

It's all about connection, friends.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Council of lovefools.

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