#frankly I’ve wanted to say it since like the first couple weeks since it dropped (when I stopped being sick because of the breakup) but

[some-siren]

Hey btw can we agree that s2 was pretty boring and not very funny and that basically the reason why we were so obsessed with it was because of the Final Fifteen? Or is that still too early?

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Volume 9 "A Place of Particular Concern"

Happy start of a new Volume, everyone! 🎉

Shaving off a little more than a month, it’s been two years since I was writing a RWBY Recap. Is that long enough to count as nostalgic? Definitely long enough to inspire a minor existential crisis on the passage of time, so how about we just collectively pretend it’s still 2013, yeah?

Of course, that would mean we were watching RWBY on YouTube and RT’s website, not... Crunchyroll. Listen, I’ll be real with you all and admit I know incredibly little about the site’s sketchy history which, from what I’ve gleaned lately, has led to a number of RWBY fans boycotting its use. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. However, I noted the two week free trial and decided to give that a go first, if only to make my life a little easier for the premiere. I’d planned to either shell out the 24-ish dollars necessary to watch the other eight episodes - which, honestly, isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, especially if we factor in my Starbucks addiction... - or don my parrot and eye-patch once I hit that two week mark.

So there was a plan!

This plan was a mistake.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that writing, “Wow, Crunchyroll’s website doesn’t work very well, does it?” maybe isn’t news to anyone else? I read that the new episode was supposed to drop at 9:30am. I then tried unsuccessfully to get it to load through 4:00pm. During this, while trying various avenues in the hopes of getting this video started, I noticed a Google link with a four hour timestamp, which would have put the release at around 11:00 my time, closer to what we’re used to.

Regardless of when it actually dropped, I was finally able to start watching at around 4:00pm. By which I mean I watched the first 17 seconds of the episode. Then it froze. I made it to the minute mark using a different browser. Then it froze again. I let things sit for a while and finally restarted my original vid, completing the episode without any additional problems, but by then I was more than a little frustrated.

Was it my internet? Crunchyroll? The will of the RWBY gods who don’t want me critiquing the hell out of this episode? Who can say, but I think I’ll be hoisting the flag sooner than intended.

“This is the story of a girl who had a lot of problems.”

If you’re thinking that this line sounds at all familiar, it’s because we’ve heard it before. Actually, the entirety of the first seven minutes is made up of our promo clips which, in a fourteen minute episode without opening and credits, is a lot. RWBY has been gone (in its canon state, anyway) for two years. I can’t speak for anyone else, but my impression of the Ruby PoV clip was that it was purely promotional material, not the start of our far-off Volume. So it was more than a little disappointing to finally get my hands on new content only to realize that half of it wasn’t new at all. We’d already seen it, discussed it, dissected it weeks, or even months ago. Combined with how much of our starter material was in our trailer (two emotional shots of Ruby I’ll be unpacking later) and how much the fandom was able to easily infer (Weiss and Blake are captured while trying to retrieve her weapon) it almost didn’t feel like a RWBY premiere at all. There is, almost literally, nothing new for the fandom to sink their teeth into. We knew they were in this Ever After place, we knew the basic plot of the first couple of episodes, we’ve seen glimpses of all the side characters... I’d actually argue that there’s more to analyze in the opening than the totality of our first episode.

Not that that's going to stop me from writing a shit ton about it, you know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

None of which bodes well and, frankly, this episode is enough of a mess that I can’t even take solace in RT executing the repetition well. Thus, I’m going to move fairly quickly (for me lol) through the first half of the episode, if only because I’ve already given my thoughts on it in other posts. So to recap within the recap:

Yang’s fall into the void and the ways in which this moment differs from the original animation is still a sore spot for me, especially given how the characters react (or rather, don’t) to finding her alive. While I commend RT for trying something different by giving us Ruby’s PoV, Lindsay’s acting grates here and the constant whimpers/gasps just highlight how much Ruby didn’t emote in the original version of the scene. Likewise, the halo of white around Ruby’s vision prior to falling proves that the writers were very aware of her silver eyes in that moment, yet inexplicably decided not to use them. As we’re seeing more and more lately, characters loose all their powers and strategic thinking the moment something needs to happen for the plot. Why craft a legitimate failure for the heroes when you could simply have them forget that their longest-running villain is in the city with them, or have Yang repeat a major mistake she’s supposedly outgrown, or have Ruby not use the one, unique ability that would save her from certain death?

As said, we know this old tune.

A detail I don't think I picked up on the first time around though is that Ruby is reaching desperately for Blake when they fall... and Blake just isn’t paying her any mind lol.

I mean I get it. Of course she’d be looking towards the villains/the bridges that represent safety, but given the non-relationship between Ruby and Blake, it struck me as funny that even when they’re “dying” together Blake barely seems to register Ruby’s presence. ‘I really look up to you!’ Yeah. Sure you do.

Ruby floats through the orange orbs of the void and, given that they show up in our opening, I hope we receive an explanation for what they are exactly. Perhaps the souls of other people who have fallen? Idk, I'm reaching. Neo shows up and fights in various disguises, blah blah blah. Ruby wakes on the beach to someone calling her name.

I feel like I asked this the first time around, but is anyone confident on whose voice that is? It almost sounds like Ruby’s own to me - perhaps heralding the split we saw in the trailer - but it could also be a repeat of Yang’s when she saved her? Honestly though, that second option feels too emotionally nuanced for what we got in the rest of this episode.

Right now, I’m inclined to ignore the voice until something actually comes of it. RWBY history has taught me that such minor mysteries may not last past the twenty minute mark.

As we saw in the released clip, we're immediately given some details of this strange land, including giant flora and twin suns. That’s... pretty tame. I’m of the opinion that if you’re going to do an Alice in Wonderland-inspired story, you’ve got two routes you can follow. The first (and for more satisfying option, I think) is to study the ways in which the original story functioned as a metaphor for the life of a child navigating an adult world and, similarly, use the weirdness of this land to impart some message. The second option (far easier, but still entertaining) is to really lean into the oddities, captivating your audience through the sheer WTF-ness of what you’ve put on screen, even if the strangeness isn’t actually representative of anything other than a "Well damn, that was weird" reaction.

Sadly, RWBY’s “A Place of Particular Concern” doesn’t seem to be achieving either. I mentioned when the trailer dropped that I don’t trust the story to say anything meaningful via its environments, but nor are the environments spectacular enough to engage us through novelty alone. Don’t get me wrong, I think the animators have achieved an impressive feat here, especially given the constraints and terrible working conditions we know they’ve faced before, but the oddness of the Ever After is mediocre at best. Oh look, small things like shells are now big. Real birds like the Dodo now come in flashier colors. A mouse talks!

...in a story where a main character is a cat girl.

Just like RWBY failed to distinguish how magic was different - and, ultimately, more shocking - than semblances, it’s now failing to inspire that sense of awe when our characters already hail from a pretty odd world. Sure, this is a different kind of odd, but the switch lacks any real punch. Compare RWBY’s Remnant/Ever After to Alice’s Normal World/Wonderland. She doesn’t have things like faunus and grimm, so something as relatively simple as a cat smiling unnerves her (and the reader). She doesn’t just see a slightly off bird, she finds out you now use them to play croquet. And she’s at the center of every oddity, experiencing these changes first-hand. Ruby sees a giant shell for a single shot. Alice becomes a giant and deals with the social horror of filling up someone’s house. I knew this was going to be a problem back when our clip dropped because despite being a separate realm supposedly governed by its own rules, we’ve still got a mouse terrified of cats. There’s this implication that the Ever After is oh so strange and horrifyingly unfamiliar... but then we immediately turn around and learn, no wait, most of what Ruby is encountering is familiar. At least enough to get by.

Ruby: “I should have known! I’ve seen plenty of cartoons!”

Volume 9 is playing it super safe with the Wonderland references and it’s really disheartening. If RWBY doesn’t have anything to say via this weirdness, I would have at least liked to see something truly weird.

To get back to the plot, Ruby immediately starts walking into the jungle and I - true story - groaned at the screen. Despite knowing it was coming! Because how can you have a character go through everything Ruby just did and not provide some reflection on it? This girl wakes up in a fantasy world after The Most Traumatic Fight Ever and waltzes off like an automaton following a coded directive. Where’s the shocked examination of her surroundings? Where’s the horrified, “Where am I? Did I die?” questioning? Where’s the post-fight panic where she desperately shouts for her teammates, begging someone to answer her? I literally can’t think of another instance in which a character goes through that much and then, literally, walks it off.

Later in the episode Ruby will inform Weiss and Blake that she spotted an overhang on the cliff and decided to try and get up there so she could survey her surroundings. It sure would have been nice to know about that while she was wandering. During the actual act of her travel I had no idea what Ruby was trying to accomplish other than, in true RWBY fashion, what I assumed was her most logical goal(s) - like finding her teammates. The kicker is that there are a ton of easy ways to keep the viewer informed despite lacking voice-overs. Let Ruby talk to herself as a way to self-sooth. Or use Little as a sounding board (why else is this mouse even here...) Show us a shot of Ruby spotting her target, taking a deep, fortifying breath, and going, “Okay... you can do this. Just make it to the cliff. One step at a time," a goal that’s ruined once her steps start going in circles. You can add a bit of character work by having Ruby remember Tai and Qrow’s training: always get a sense of your surroundings first. You can setup Ruby’s (presumably) Volume-long depression by having her just lie in the sand for a while, the suns passing overhead, staring at them listlessly, only moving when the surf starts hitting her mouth. Hell, is anyone even carrying their scrolls anymore? I don’t care how unlikely it is that it’ll work here, the first thing Ruby should do is whip that out and try to call her teammates.

Watching this moment in the context of the whole episode made it that much worse for me. It’s just so glaring how rushed this entire premiere was, with every logical reaction - to say nothing of the emotional beats necessary after that finale - getting brushed aside so that the team can get back together in under fifteen minutes. We’ve only got ten episodes, Ruby, so hurry it up. Go on, girl, give us nothing!

So we know the rest of this silliness, yeah? There’s the implication that a small amount of time has passed, an annoying dodo bird that must have been animated in later because Ruby doesn’t react to that either, a circular path of the jungle, and the soon to be named Little watching all this from a rock.

I want to emphasize that our first tonal emphasis here is humor. Having Ruby continually ending up in the same place, growing frustrated with cutsey voice acting, and the quick cuts of Little in various poses all function as lighthearted amusement for the audience... which is really fucking weird in a Volume following up on the trauma of last season. This is going to be an ongoing problem for the entirety of the episode and severely undermines the reveal that Penny has died (again). This is the exact thing RWDE folks have been worried about for literal years now, from the moment we realized we were getting a Wonderland-type world. I have little doubt that the fandom is right in saying that the rest of the Volume will likely get much darker than this (it almost always does nowadays), but that doesn’t matter because the damage has already been done. RWBY cannot continually flip-flop like this and expect its viewers to still buy into the serious moments. So many of us have lost faith in the writers’ abilities to treat these subjects respectfully and segueing from the (supposedly) fascist storyline that ends in horrific tragedy straight into, “What a whacky world, am I right? 🤪” is a damn good way to continually alienate viewers who want an emotional connection with this show.

Every time this criticism comes up there are other RWBY fans pushing back with the claim that a show - especially one that began so lighthearted and silly - simply can’t just be doom and gloom all the time. And you know what? They’re absolutely right. However, there are numerous ways to infuse comedy into your story without outright undermining the primary tone. Given that I’m reading it at the moment, I’d like to briefly use Kim Carnby’s Sweet Home as an example.

For those who are unaware, Sweet Home is a webtoon turned Netflix series that follows 18 year old Cha Hyun-soo after both his parents and sister die in a car accident. Given that he’s technically an adult, but without much financial support and already grappling with a deep depression, he moves into a rundown apartment complex and schedules his own suicide. Before he can go through with it though, a virus sweeps through the world, turning people into various kinds of monsters. These monsters - entertainingly creative - are modeled after whatever the infected person’s greatest desire is at the time of their turning, resulting in some benign beings... but much more hungry, violent, terrifying beasts. Thus, the story is centered around Cha Hyun-soo’s attempts to survive, the horrors found in his apartment complex, and the question of why he’s trying so hard to live when he’d already planned to die.

It’s dark, is what I’m getting at.

It also has moments like this:

And just a little while later:

Here, a generational divide infuses some much needed comedy into the story without detracting from the world’s overall tone (note too that Cha Hyun-soo remains looking stressed and anxious the whole time). It would be a problem if our depressed, terrified teenage suddenly started jumping like he’s having the time of his life (Weiss). It would be a problem if the entire first volume, which is meant to highlight the horror of this situation, was constantly peppered with lame jokes involving cutesy animals (the mice). If you’re going to add comedy, keep it subtle, relatable, and in this case bound to the characters’ internal monologue. By having them each compliment the other with age-appropriate comparisons that cause confusion, but without verbally acknowledging that confusion, the humor exists purely for the audience’s sake. The characters aren’t supposed to be laughing it up right now... so they don’t. The humor is for the reader alone, recognizing the miscommunication and enjoying it as an element separate from the dark tone of the characters’ world. Because this is the vibe of the scene directly before:

RWBY fails at this division. A lot. Like, that failure makes up the majority of this episode.

You know what? It’s easier to just keep a count going.

Little’s introduction is Ill-suited Comedy Example #1.

All of which means that when Ruby starts crying - and by that I mean a few sniffles and a single tear track - I have no investment in the moment. Even if the animation were close to what I’d expect after such a tragedy, its impact is obliterated by the, “Look! Cute mouse!” immediately proceeding and following it.

Also, love how Little has never seen a human before, is watching Ruby intently during this entire process... yet makes no effort to engage with her. I suppose I get it given the emphasis on how scared the mice are of predators, but from a character perspective it leaves something to be desired. In regards to Ruby not (yet) utilizing Little as a means of expressing her thoughts to the audience, our first Ever After character is just kinda... there. Ruby stumbles across them. (BTW, is they/them what the fandom is using for our first non-binary rep?) They only speak because they feel obligated to help Ruby after she retrieves the cheese. They come on this adventure because, by their own admission, they simply have nothing better to do. What’s the point of Little again? How are they serving the story? They don’t even lead Ruby to Blake and Weiss - she stumbles across them on her own while Little sleeps. In fact, it’s already a running gag that Little naps instead of doing anything useful. I wouldn’t care so much if RWBY weren’t already a show suffering from character bloat and an inability to manage that (because the former isn’t necessarily a problem on its own). Now that we’ve finally got the girls alone(-ish) and primed for some character development, I don’t want to squander it on stupid mouse jokes.

Given which: Little’s ‘Gimme The Cheese’ dance + accompanying sounds effects is Ill-Suited Comedy Example #2.

I mentioned the first time around that I am weak for a cute, animal companion. That remains true. Unfortunately, Little’s cuteness is only carrying them so far with me. Their negative impact on the narrative as a whole is, thus far, simply too much to fix with grabby motions and snot bubbles.

They ask the thematic, “What are you?” question and introduce a number of other theoretical ideas that, frankly, I doubt the Volume will capitalize on. Is your name your purpose? (Like Huntress Ruby Rose.) How does one "Little"? The team is “similar, but different.” Until the Volume actually does something with these questions, I’m inclined to read them as simple ‘nonsense’ language included to try and emulate Carroll’s style.

With Little planning to show Ruby her village (but doesn't actually succeed in that), we cut to Weiss and Blake traversing the jungle together. How did they find one another? No idea. Why did they find one another when Blake fell with Ruby? No idea. The story tries to bypass this by, as expected, leaning into the illogical nature of the world. If they somehow found each other, then they might be able to likewise find Blake’s weapon, despite the fact that it fell long after her. Honestly, this feels more like a very convenient plot device than an interesting characteristic of this world. Things happen so randomly here! Funny how that randomness seems to solely benefit the heroes.

Sidenote: I really like that Weiss says “Gambol Shroud” because the weapon names have felt only semi-canon for a very long time. Other than Ruby referring to Crescent Rose back in the first couple episodes, have we heard the names at all? I can’t recall off the top of my head, but regardless this makes for a nice moment between Weiss and Blake. It’s a small thing, but it helps sell the idea that they do actually know one another well.

The rest of the scene is... passable. Weiss has a “Blake... I’m really glad you’re okay” line and gets a “I’m really glad you are too” in response. This is one of those cases where I think fiction needs to deviate sharply from reality. Irl that’s probably exactly the kind of awkward, rushed line I’d give a close friend because I myself am awkward and struggle to verbalize my care for others (gift giving ftw!). But in fiction an exchange like that just comes across as wooden. “I’m really glad you’re okay,” says the girl who thought this friend had died and for real saw another friend get killed by a third like, an hour ago. Wow, what a reaction! This is also a case of RWBY’s animation acting as a constraint. As said earlier, I think the animators are doing the best they can under the circumstances, but better writing, time, and funds would likely lend itself to a more expressive reunion for all the girls. It also highlights how convenient the time-skip is. You can easily argue that these two cried and hugged and went through their Face Journeys when they first found one another. No need to rehash that though because it already happened off screen!

All of this is made worse for me by the fact that Blake says that if they’re fine, the others “might” be okay too. Might! That’s a loaded word choice with absolutely no follow up. Remember, this is the girl who was beside herself with anger and grief when Yang “died.” So glad to see that emotion carried over into the next Volume. I mean hell, give me a Blake who’s screaming at Weiss to just ditch her weapon. Why are they bothering with that when Yang is still missing?? Screw vines and mice, I’m going to go find my partner!

If only.

Everything in this episode just rings so hollow to me. I mean, I expected that given RWBY’s track record, but this is a severe failure to me given the intensity of Volume 8. From Penny's death to destroying a Kingdom, the fate of their friends to lost Relics, we needed a stellar start to this emotional journey and we simply didn’t get it.

That includes Weiss dodging the question of what happened after Blake fell. I really enjoyed this on the surface, just not - as is so often the case - in the context of RWBY as a whole. Because what is Weiss doing here except keeping another secret? In her defense, it doesn’t last long and there’s a case to be made about how difficult it is to discuss such things, especially after they just happened, so as said, I think that’s a compelling situation to put her in. It’s just one that also happens to poke at a RWDE sore spot because we had such a strong anti-secret rhetoric for three Volumes. Thanks to that arc, my initial reaction is not, “Poor Weiss. Grappling with this traumatic event.” It’s “See, Weiss? See how hard it is to discuss something horrific that you went through? But oh, you and the others had no sympathy for Ozpin in that regard, so just get over it and spill the crucial information already. Snap, snap, keeping Blake informed is more important than your mental health.”

All of which isn’t even touching on how she explains the situation... but we’ll get to that.

So they have this exchange that’s passable in many regards and fails largely due to the problems RWBY has carried with it for years now. They stumble across Gambol Shroud and proceed to spend a while trying to cut the vines/reach it from a nearby tree. This is how Weiss cheers Blake on.

Weiss: “Yah! Woo!”

Example #3, folks.

Weiss’ completely inappropriate cheer-leading aside, the entire time I’m going, “How is this in any way a problem?” I know Blake has become the useless fighter who can’t take out a single grimm without Ruby’s help, and Weiss has forgotten everything except her summoning, but has the audience forgotten how these girls used to fight? Anyone recall this moment from their very first battle?

Oh no, a giant pile of vines! However will we get past this obstacle?😱

I don’t know, maybe just... jump? Or you could get a little more creative by summoning a clone and doing a cool person-tower move to reach the top? That’s definitely not me pulling from my love of Yu Yu Hakusho or anything.

TEAMWORK, BABY!

My point is that moments like this fall flat precisely because RWBY has spent so much time showing us the group’s extreme abilities. Remember that scenes like the Ace Ops fight hinge on their presumed excellence. This is a group that beat the best team in Atlas! But now they can’t even bypass a pile of vines? The downside of giving your characters great power is that you then have to continually come up with ways for them to still face challenging conflict. Some shows handle this rather badly (like Castiel not just blowing up every demon/mortal that opposes them) and some shows handle it rather well (we establish early on that despite technically having the power to get the crew out of sticky situations, Star Trek’s transporter is prone to glitches and interference from the weather). Basically, you can’t go, “These girls are brimming with power because that looks awesome in a fight! But oh, now they can’t use that power because... uh... because that would interfere with our lame gag?” There has to be a reason. And this is far from the first time RWBY has conveniently forgotten the characters’ abilities. I still cringe at Ruby hanging off the cliff during the Cordovin battle. It’s meant to be a dramatic moment wherein she faces great danger from a fall, but they tried to give that to the girl who can fly.

So this is just incredibly stupid to me. Bad enough that we have gags following the intensity of Volume 8, but RWBY hasn’t even put in the effort to make them good gags. This episode honestly feels like RWBY satire to me, more akin to a Chibi episode, or a YouTuber poking fun, than the content fans waited two years for.

Right as Blake reaches her weapon they learn that the vines were a trap and they move, ensnaring both girls. We knew that was going to occur from the trailer and I thought that this was just another aspect of the Ever After. The vegetation (a bit like Alice’s flowers) is alive, sentient, capable of helping or hurting you. That’s pretty cool and, as I mentioned in regards to the environment responding to Ruby’s emotions, could be utilized in fantastic ways for combat.

However, this isn’t actually the case. Apparently the mice have sprung this trap because... Blake is a cat?

Wait.

So let me get this straight. This village of mice - who have never seen a human before, but have definitely seen cats - assume that Blake is exactly the same because she has cat ears. Then they found her weapon before her, somehow realize it is her weapon (even though Blake has yet to even stand next to it within the Ever After), and set an elaborate trap so that they can be the “hunters” for once, instead of the prey. Blake happens to come along with another human, but who cares? Capture her too! What are they going to do with them then?

Uh... the only thing we know about these mice is that they spend the majority of their time foraging for food and they struggle greatly to get the cheese out of the ground, and this would certainly be a way to both feed the village and eliminate a presumed enemy, so...

You know what? Never mind. I’m not going there lol.

This is stupid and illogical, but not in a wacky Wonderland way. Also, anyone else a little uncomfortable with the mice calling her a cat and Blake just going with it? Is that the stance we’re going with after eight seasons of a civil rights movement? That a faunus girl and an animal are fundamentally interchangeable?😬

They could have used this moment to let Blake explain her identity to someone coming from a place of well-meaning ignorance but noooo, why would we have an interesting conversation with the mice when they can just cheer about cheese instead? “She pulled the cheese out of the ground ON HER OWN!” Little cries, causing another mouse to faint in shock.

Example #4

While all this is going on Ruby shows up because remember, the premiere is trying to get the group back together as quickly as humanly possible. Or magically possible, in this case. We get Ruby asking if Little is drooling on her - “Yuck” - before spotting the village of mice about to do presumably unspeakable things to her teammates. Remember the shot from the trailer where Ruby looks properly horrified and I wondered what could possibly be causing that reaction? Yeah. It’s just this.

Example #5. Sigh.

If you were hoping for a proper reunion between these three, keep hoping. We segue immediately into a practical explanation where Ruby explains, about five minutes too late, what she was trying to accomplish while wandering around the jungle. Little has her freak-out about Blake, explains Ruby’s magic cheese gathering skills to the others, and then decides to tag along to find Yang because, and I quote, “I don’t have anything to do yet.” For a hot second I thought this was going to lead into more information about mouse culture. You know, how Little has already admitted that they don’t have a name, how they equate names with a purpose, and therefore if they have nothing to do in their village yet because they’re so young, they’ll find a purpose by traveling with these humans. We might have even put off Little’s naming to this moment, having them or one of the girls come up with something appropriate to the task ahead: something like Guide, or even Friend (of Humans).

But no, apparently Little is tagging along just because they literally have nothing better to do? In the sense that they’re bored and why the hell not? It’s not exactly a compelling reason and, given that they’ve yet to provide any actual assistance to the girls, I’m continually questioning their place in the story. This is what critics mean when they say that time is wasted with Volume-specific side characters when we could be doing more, better work with the core team.

Case in point: Little says that they’ll be “your trusty guide!” and then the joke is that they’re immediately asleep again once the girls set out.

#6!

I do like the following scene though. As the trio follows a path that they’ve found, Weiss walks ahead with her back (obviously) facing Blake and Ruby. When Ruby likewise questions what happened after they fell, there’s this long pause where Weiss considers how to respond, not turning around. It’s a powerful little detail, refusing to show us, or the girls, her face. It leaves her expression up to interpretation while maintaining the impression that she’s hiding from her teammates, due to not knowing how to address their failure. Her insistence on finding Yang first just highlights that avoidance. Really, I think this moment works quite well and I wish the whole episode had been treated this seriously.

Just as Ruby is about to press the issue they hear a roar from nearby. Following it, they discover a creature that fans have already dubbed RWBY’s version of the Jabberwocky.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Bewared the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!"

Kudos to RWBY for trying here. It’s no secret that I think one of the best grimm lately have been The Apathy, so having another horror-leaning creature was a good decision in my opinion. Unfortunately, I like the idea more than the execution. The twitching motion of the Jabberwocky could have been creepy, but it doesn’t quite capture that feeling of unnatural otherness that makes your skin crawl. A problem with the animation, or something the engine itself just isn’t equipped to create? I’m not sure. Its voice is also a nice touch, with the exception that it’s really hard to understand once it starts yelling. At first I thought RWBY was leaning into the Jabberwocky’s origins. That is, using nonsense words like those from Carroll’s poem whose meaning is understood only in context. Now though, I think it’s just a badly voiced character? I’m not sure because Crunchyroll’s subtitles wouldn’t work for me (of course) and all I got was the “Searching. Stalking. Detecting.” in the beginning.

Which, you know, is an interesting bit of dialogue. RWBY has always straddled the line between fantasy and Sci-Fi, so I’m pleased to see some of the latter worming its way into the distinctly fantasy setting of the Ever After. The Jabberwocky sounds like an AI creation following a coded command. Out of everything this episode, I’m most eager to learn more about it.

Of course, we can’t learn anything now. Despite the fact that Yang stumbles out of the jungle, arm gone, throwing a rock at the Jabberwocky, and looking like she’s been through hell and back. Would you like to know what Yang experienced while on her own here? Or how she came across the Jabberwocky? What she might already know about it?

Would you like to see an actual battle in the combat show’s premiere?

Too bad.

The Jabberwocky just runs off and we get an... interesting reunion for the whole team. First off, Weiss just isn’t a part of this. Given that she’s not Yang’s sister or the Schrodinger girlfriend, she’s shuffled off to the side. Second, Ruby is greeted with a, “Dammit! You weren’t supposed to be here” which I really like. Rather than going the pure fluff route, the writing seems to consider the fact that Yang (as we’ll learn soon) thinks she may have died, so of course she’s horrified to see her little sister here too. This isn’t a joyful reunion for her, it's evidence that her (stupid) sacrifice was in vain. As always, I wish we could have explored that a little more - specifically this idea that Yang thought she was dead and was still trying to defend herself against hostile creatures - but a single line is all we’re given.

Ruby gets that soft smile of hers, kneels down, and says, “If you thought we wouldn’t have come for you then you must have forgotten who raised me.” Aww.

...wait.

Hold up.

The fuck??

First of all, that is NOT what happened. Ruby didn’t come looking for Yang, she lost to Cinder - DESPITE HAVING A UNIQUE ABILITY TO BEAT HER, I WILL CONTINUALLY ADD - and failed to rose-petal her way to safety. Wow, way to imply a heroic rescue that doesn’t exist, Ruby. Also, this simultaneously implies that if they had won the fight Ruby would have dove into the void afterwards to try and find Yang which... you know... I highly doubt. Just given her non-reaction to her sister “dying.” If there was going to be any rescue attempts, give me a Ruby who jumps after Yang as she’s falling and they both go in together.

So that’s a huge misrepresentation of events and then Ruby follows that up with, “you must have forgotten who raised me"? What exactly is that supposed to mean? Because a lot of people raised Ruby. Is it Tai, Summer, Qrow... or Yang herself? This almost feels bait-y to me, in the sense that the writers must know that mom!Yang has been a huge debate in the fandom for years, so they toss in this ambiguous line that could go either way. Is Ruby referring to her many capable, loving, adult guardians? Or her older sister that maybe, sorta “raised her” while their dad was recovering from the death of his wife? I don’t know, why don’t you all fight about it ;)

But no, let’s talk about the actual bait: bumblebee.

Now, for a long time I’ve refrained from calling Blake/Yang queerbaiting for the simple reason that I’ve expected the show to follow through with the romance in a way I don’t expect that from “real” queerbaiting. Remember, the word originates from a hard “No” on the queer front, that’s why it’s baiting and not a slow-burn towards representation. However, we’ve now entered an age of television where, yes, many couples do become canon, but only in the final hour when the writers don’t have to actually write a queer romance. That’s the modern from of queerbaiting and goddamn, is bumblebee fitting it to a T.

I know the fandom has some memory problems, but everyone recalls the surety that Yang and Blake’s romance would kickstart after Yang “died” right? That having Blake mourn her and then discover her alive would finally push her to go in for a kiss? We pictured a plot where the girls were separated for the first couple of episodes, still believing the others were gone, Blake stumbling across Yang in the Ever After, the confusion and shock and relief at finding her again, the kiss that would finally bring RWBY into 2023--

Yeah. There’s none of that.

I myself said that THIS was the time to do it. If you ever needed an excuse to get the queer couple together (which you don’t) then the reunion after one thinks the other has died is 100% the time to do it. Emotions will never be stronger! Inhibitions will never be lower! Don’t pass up such a golden opportunity!

They totally passed it up.

This reunion is just as generically ambiguous as all the others, right down to Yang hugging Blake with a tenderness that’s equal to what she’s given other characters:

Friends. This is all the same hug. There is nothing coded romantic in this reunion, not unless we want to claim that Yang is also romantically attracted to Ren, Weiss, and her sister.

I’ve already seen some fans talking about the importance of Blake initiating contact when before she always held back and yeah, sure, that can be read as character growth, but that’s the kind of minuscule step forward we needed years ago. Not now. Now we’re firmly in bait territory and need confirmation.

“But, Clyde, it’s just the start of the Volume. They could still kiss!”

I don’t care. RT had an opportunity and they squandered it. If there's a kiss, a confession, or whatever comes later in the Volume, it’s still more time that the show has spent in a will-they-won’t-they dance. I’m so sick of it. RWBY’s queer rep is atrocious and I find that to be particularly insulting in a show that’s praised for and celebrates its own diversity. I watch plenty of television with no queer rep at all, but I don’t give them the same kind of shit because they’re not pretending to be the Pinnacle of Queer Representation. If you’re going to claim that you have a queer main couple, then actually give us a queer main couple.

God I was actually so hopeful I’d be writing a, “We’ve finally confirmed it!” recap. It’s beyond frustrating at this point and I’m continually shocked at the fans who are celebrating that hug like they’ve been given a feast and not crumbs. If I were more emotionally invested in bumblebee as a ship - meaning, if I cared more about the relationship itself rather than how it functions as representation for RWBY - I’d be pissed as hell. Yang “died,” Blake lost her mind over it, we waited two years, and then you give us... that? If I were a hardcore bumblebee shipper I’d be writing about my extreme disappointment in RT, not my happiness that Yang touched Blake’s hair.

Actually no, I grew up in the age of no rep/the original queerbaiting, so really I’d be rolling my eyes at anyone who expected a canonical relationship and instead going off to write it myself as fic. I still believe very strongly that ships don’t need a canonical basis and in some ways fandom has limited itself by only writing about what’s canon, or “realistically” canon ([waves old man cane] “In my day we shipped characters who were never even on screen together!”), but I acknowledge that we’ve entered a new age of television. Viewers expect more. They should expect more and they should get it.

With the disappointing hug behind us, Yang observers that if they’re all here then things must have gone really badly up top. This finally pushes Weiss over the edge and she starts the not-crying that all the RWBY girls do, where she has wet eyes and a single tear track. “Penny,” she says. “Jaune tried to help... but she scarified herself...”

And by that you mean Jaune killed her? Weiss’ recounting of events makes it sound like her own stabbing by Cinder: Penny was hurt and Jaune tried to heal her, only this time it wasn’t enough. When in reality we’ve got Jaune giving up because his “I’ve had a human body for twenty minutes” patient says there’s no hope and then slitting her throat because Penny mistakenly believes all she can do with her life is give it up.

Again: what happened to telling your team everything? Where did the importance of context and the complete picture go? For a team that’s so furious when others provide incomplete or misleading information, they sure do that themselves a lot. We can add, “Weiss horribly mischaracterizes Penny’s death” to the “Yang is keeping the Spring Maiden a secret, twists all their failures into victories to win a fight with Ren, and Ruby straight up lied to Ironwood” list.

In another show I’d have more faith that this would come back to bite Weiss; that the girls will later learn the truth and express some actual emotion at her inability to keep them informed... but who am I kidding. This is RWBY. It’ll be forgotten - or retconned - by next episode.

Ruby faints at hearing that Penny has died (again) and man, I really want to like this moment because it’s definitely more of a reaction than I was expecting based on our post-Volume 3 writing. However, this is primarily used as a way to avoid Ruby’s reaction, wherein she wakes up some undetermined time later and is allowed to pretend to be fine, thereby jumping over any conversation/crying/actual emotion we might have seen from her. I know that Ruby will be grappling with this for the entire Volume - our intro proves as much - but it’s still disappointing that we don’t get to see Ruby grapple with her initial feelings because she was too busy being unconscious.

Also, anyone else frustrated that the same action used to depict horror and grief is used for a gag just a few minutes earlier? A mouse faints at the thought of someone being able to pull up cheese with a single tug! Ruby faints at the thought of her dear friend dying for a second time! This is why all that earlier humor messes with the more serious moments.

Our final scene once again fails to convince me that any of these characters love each other outside of the Grand Gestures delivered post-tragedy. No one is holding Ruby while she’s unconscious. No one has made her a makeshift pillow or blanket. Yang asks once if she’s alright - when she’s clearly not - and then just drops the subject when Ruby says yeah, she’s fine. None of them waited until she’d woken up to have this important conversation. After Weiss’ tears and Ruby’s faint, there are no reactions to Penny’s death. Do Blake and Yang care? Presumably not considering they never had a real relationship with her, but RWBY likely wants us to assume that their reactions exist off screen. Remember, given that we’re primarily following Ruby as our protagonist, her being unconscious means that we also skip over how everyone else reacts too. The viewer only gets to continue seeing the story when Ruby wakes up.

I had low expectations for the Volume 8 follow up, but overall this is pretty bad even by my nonexistent standards. It’s not that the premiere doesn’t give us any worthwhile moments, it’s that none of them are capitalized on. They just sit, unexplored, or outright undermined by what the rest of the episode has produced.

It’s disappointing, to say the least. As are our final lines. Yang admits that she thought she was dead, but there’s no time to let her or the others explore that. We hear a throwaway line that her arm was stolen - which relies a lot on the viewer having seen the trailer to understand how and why that happened, at least until next episode. And then Blake follows a bit of light shining through to them, parting some of the vines to look out across the entirety of Ever After.

“I know how this sounds, but... I think we’re in a fairy tale.”

Our final line, folks! Is there anyone else that would have preferred ending on Ruby’s faint? Feels more dramatic and would have let the fandom theorize a bunch before she wakes up next episode (even if then, inevitably, there would have been disappointment that nothing was done with it). Really, I get why they want to end on the shot of Ever After, but all I could think was, how in the world did you come to that conclusion, Blake? Given that this is a world based off of a real fairy tale and not the fairy tales that exist in Remnant. I would 100% buy a character from our world recognizing that they’re in a place similar to Wonderland, but nothing we’ve seen here reflects the tales of Remnant.

Well no, there is one thing, but it exists in the opening. Blake’s been reading the script again.

So let’s unpack that, shall we?

(Sorry, I need to slam all the important opening screenshots together because tumblr won't let me upload any more images boooo).

Our first shot is of Jaune! 🤦‍♀️

Really? That’s the beginning of every episode’s opening? Jaune crying with his broken, bloody sword? Hmm, I wonder if the character imposing on the girls’ team journey will be important this Volume. We also get another shot of him with a clock motif, making me wonder if the theories about him having (somehow) spent longer in the Ever After will prove to be true.

This initial shot is paired with Neo looking sad, presumably over Roman’s death and her continued failure to avenge him. She appears in the trailer a fair bit which, alongside the Jabberwocky, is the thing I’m most excited for. I’m glad that, at least based on this, it doesn’t look like they’re going to squander her role as a villain here. We see Neo drinking her tea with a fantastic smirk, surrounded by a group of shadowy antagonists.

A huge list of one-off baddies, or the various looks she’ll be adopting to mess with the characters? I’m hoping for the latter, especially since some fans think that one of the silhouettes looks like Jacques. However, I do question whether she can actually pull something like that off. I love the idea of Neo manipulating the group, especially in a Volume hosting a grief arc, especially in a place that, as far as they know, might contain their dead loved ones. For a brief moment I even questioned if that other Ruby we see in the trailer was Neo. The problem is I’m pretty sure she speaks and, thus, it’s very difficult for a villain to pretend to be an ally for more than a few seconds when she’s mute. Combine that with the fact that Ruby knows Neo is here and that all just kinda... falls apart. Which is unfortunate because I would have loved to see a Neo using the Ever After’s impossibilities and her own semblance to mess with the heroes. Still, a final shot at the end appears to show everything stemming from Neo, which makes me think she’s going to be the major antagonistic force this Volume and/or gains control of the Ever After somehow. Fitting, for a woman with control over illusions.

Whether Neo makes much use of her semblance or not, I hope we don’t have another 8+ characters to introduce because there’s already Little, the other mice, the cat, racoon, the forge lady, the knight (same person?), the Red Queen, the creature hiding in the leaves, the caterpillar, the Jabberwocky, and this new girl. People get why that’s a lot to manage, right? Especially in a story with four main protagonists, with two others thrown into the void with them. I get that they don’t want the Ever After to be a wasteland, but RWBY continually has a problem with side characters eating up the time and focus. Then they’re left behind and that work feels wasted. Why spend a Volume developing Little (or Ilia, Sun, Neptune, etc.) just to drop them? This bloated cast means it’s a bit of a relief that Volume 9 doesn’t seem to be trying to jump between here and Vacuo, but damn. Three years to find out what’s happening with the others? The growing chance that there will be a time skip and that the girls will come back to find all these ongoing problems resolved off screen: We somehow rescued all the people from the desert! Ren and Nora are officially together! Winter has long gotten used to her powers! Oscar merged while you were gone and now we don’t have to worry about Ozpin anymore!

Not looking forward to it.

Out of all these new characters, the most important is the young girl. My current theory is that she’s the girl from “The Girl Who Fell Through the World,” with perhaps our opening line - “This is the story of a girl who had a lot of problems” - being the first line of her tale. We know due to Ozpin that many of Remnant’s fairy tales are based on true events, so it would make sense if that one came about after a young woman literally fell into a different world. We see her arrive on the beach before Crescent Rose shows up, implying that she’s been there a long time, and there are some implications that she’s a rather powerful figure now: she leads the group through the various environments (with Ruby lagging farther and farther behind. Perhaps the introduction of a new team leader will increase her feelings of inferiority and failure?), she appears right before an evil copy of Ruby turns around (love that grin), and she's in a painting with another, shadowed figure behind her. Despite the fact that we already have this reference (short of) it gives me Ozma/Tip vibes, wherein the original Wizard of Oz books Ozma is turned into a boy named Tip in an effort to keep her hidden.

Regardless of her role, I have the feeling this girl will end up being more of an antagonist than an ally; a representation of the ways Ever After can twist a long-term resident and likely a foil to Ruby (the true leader) and Jaune (someone who will overcome the world’s allure and return with the girls).

There are a number of other thematically significant shots throughout the opening. All the girls are shown in their various outfits, smiling or smirking, but Ruby grows sadder and her most recent counterpart hides in her cloak, facing away from the viewer.

Her tears - more than we’ve seen her actually cry in the show, I'd like to point out - transforms into Crescent Rose.

The girls try to navigate an impossible maze where the Ruby copy shows up, they run up the tree before being blown back (falling remains relevant then), the girls are once again gloriously saturated in their colors (even if Weiss is still more blue than white), and I really like the shot of Ruby falling past the rabbit. Actually, I like the painted style of that fall far more than I like the look of the rest of the Volume.

However, what interests me the most about this intro is a series of images that may well be connected: two streaks of blue falling through the sky, a massive explosion that engulfs the life tree, and the burning of a book of fairy tales.

Look, I don’t care how awful the gods actually are, especially when RWBY has done nothing to explore that. I don’t care if this is one of their realms and the heroes need to take drastic measures to escape it.

You are NOT going to have the girls destroy a whole-ass world after they destroyed a Kingdom, right?

Right?

On that thoroughly optimistic note, let’s end with a miscellaneous section because we are nearly 10k in and this poor recap needs to be put to bed. (As do I.)

Thanks for reading! :)

Misc. Observations

I enjoyed the little detail of Ruby wringing out her cloak as she surveyed the jungle. Nice job remembering she just came out of the water.

I didn’t enjoy the actual shot of the landscape though. I totally get that there’s wonky perspective stuff going on given how far back the ‘camera’ is, but am I the only one who thinks the jungle looks WAY too small in that opening scene?

I definitely mentioned this the first time I examined our promo clip (and briefly above), but I wonder if the weather here is influenced by emotion, given that the rain appears to start and stop when Ruby cries. I want to say “No” now just because this already isn’t consistent - there’s no rain when Weiss cries, you’d think we’d see some kind of weather influence when Ruby faints - but a part of me is hopeful just because it’s such a cool concept. Especially for a combat show where terrain can make-or-break a battle. As we’ve seen, each little bit of Ever After seems to function differently - Ruby doesn’t hit another patch of repeating jungle, for example - so maybe this is something that will return sporadically?

This is definitely me being nitpicky and petty, but you’ve gotta love that, other than the repeat dialogue of Volume 8 and the faint shouts of “Ruby!” our first words of the Volume are, “Now if only you could help me.” I don’t begrudge anyone help, certainly not the protagonist of a story that wants to be centered around unification, but Ruby has struggled with agency so much I can’t help but roll my eyes a little. Yes, why would we write our protagonist figuring out how to help herself when the random mouse she stumbles across can do it instead? And then, you know, not actually do anything, allowing the protagonist to instead just stumble on what she wants, rather than actively retrieving it.

So you know how Little not-so-subtly mentions that an easy way to get on their village’s good side is to bring more of that cheese? Surely then when we next see Ruby she’ll be animated carrying a couple of those cheeses as a bribe? Spoiler: she's not.

Anyone else feeling iffy about Blake’s description of Yang? The one where she refers to Yang as the scary looking one? As someone who has been frustrated with Yang’s lack of anger management the last couple of Volumes, I’m not a big fan of her “scariness” being played as a cute character quirk.

Ruby remembers right before the non-battle starts that she’s without Crescent Rose. Funny how she didn’t appear to notice its absence before, or go looking for her precious weapon like Blake did. (Seriously, I know I’ve said this a hundred times by now, but the girls’ reactions to landing here and everything they’ve lost are nonexistent.) This also highlights how useless most of the girls are without a weapon in hand. Didn’t we have a mini-arc back in Volume 5 about them learning hand-to-hand? Wasn’t that specifically labeled as Ruby’s flaw? Now it crops back up and she just hangs back, scared? Once again I'm asking what the point of any of that was if we're not going to see the development. Something something only the most recent Volume is canon.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Zach Bryan - The Great American Bar Scene

There’s no artist like Zach Bryan, especially with his meteoric rise to fame within the last couple of years. I remember hearing his name back in 2021, but he was an underground artist. Now that everyone knows about him, what happens next? Since Zach Bryan is arguably one of the biggest artists in the world, he can do whatever he wants at this point. His self-titled album from last year was his stepping stone, and it was the album that catapulted him to the stratosphere of country music. Hell, he dropped an EP just a few months later, which boasted features from Bon Iver and Noah Kahan.

He’s been teasing The Great American Bar Scene for awhile now, but we finally got it a week ago (as of writing this, anyway). I loved the self-titled, as it was in my top three albums of the year for 2023, so expectations were high. Fortunately, I’d say this record is quite good, and it’s still one of the best of the year, but it doesn’t top the self-titled. If anything, The Great American Bar Scene is starting to show the cracks of Bryan’s formula that originally worked quite well (and still does, frankly, at least to a degree, anyway), and I don’t know how much longer his formula can hold up without people finally getting sick of it or realizing what it is.

Zach Bryan’s formula is pretty simple: he’s a singer-songwriter that blurs the lines between folk and country, his lyrics are usually very honest, and he has a very “authentic” persona that a lot of people find interesting. That’s why he got big in the first place, because people have been vying for an authentic country artist that goes against the mainstream, especially the bro-country and pop-country eras within the last decade. Bryan’s biggest problem is that a lot of his music is the same. Even as a huge fan, I can’t deny it. I’ve gone on record many times saying that I’m mixed when it comes to artists who keep their sound stagnant, because it depends on the artist and what their sound is. If a sound works for me, it works, but I’m picky about it.

Bryan’s sound has worked for me for a long time, whether it’s for his voice being good, his lyrics being well-written, and knowing how to write some catchy songs, but he doesn’t know when to cut himself off at times. His albums end up becoming self-indulgent and running way too long, and that might be why my favorite project of his will always be 2022’s Summertime Blues. It’s a brisk half hour and has some of his best material, but his albums are always overstuffed, even if they’re not necessarily bland or bad. Hell, 2022’s American Heartbreak is two and a half hours, and it didn’t need to be that long, The self-titled wasn’t too bad, but The Great American Bar Scene is a little over an hour with 19 songs. If that isn’t self-indulgent, I don’t know what is, but I still quite enjoy it.

The Great American Bar Scene is very much in line with Zach Bryan’s sound, but that’s also its biggest issue — it’s just a typical Zach Bryan album, which is great for diehard fans, but for those that want some variety or something new, you won’t get it. I love his “typical” sound, so I’ll eat this album right up, but I can also acknowledge it’s got some problems. I don’t know if we’re getting a diminishing return here, because this record has some of his best songs. The price of admission alone is worth it for “Purple Gas,” “Pink Skies,” and with what I think is the most important moment of the album, “Sandpaper” that features The Boss himself, Bruce Springsteen.

To some, that feature may not make sense, but this album is Bryan’s Nebraska (which is Springsteen’s 1982 acoustic solo album that’s the outlier of his work, as well as his darkest, lyrically speaking). This album doesn’t have anything as dark as that album, but it’s a basic singer-songwriter album in the same vein, and he uses the album as a way to tell stories about various people, whether it’s himself or another character. Having The Boss himself is a big moment for any younger artist; The Gaslight Anthem had him on their comeback album from last year, although I felt The Boss was a little phoned in on that album. He sounds a lot livelier on this record, thankfully.

Aside from that, though, this record is standard Zach Bryan, but there is a lot to really appreciate, which are the still the trademarks of a typical Zach Bryan album, so it’s kind of two-fold. This is a great ZB album, and diehard fans are sure to love this to the moon and back, but I can see fans and the mainstream being more apprehensive towards this, minus a few big singles. Bryan’s voice sounds fantastic, the storytelling and the lyricism is rich and beautiful, and even the songs themselves are written well, despite becoming meandering or derivative after a certain point. I love this record, warts and all, and you’ll certainly see it somewhere on my yearend list.

[little-svt]

Calling Joshua “Daddy” for the first time

FEMME-READER | LIGHT ANGST + FLUFF

Wc: 2.4k+

Taglist: @pastel-princess-please @kiki-woo @fishsquishh

Good to Me

Sinking into the sofa, you were building up the energy to shower after your long day at the office had, in every way, drained the life out of you. Who knew just a couple extra hours on the clock would wear you out so much? Getting the sofa all gross and dirty was probably what you shouldn’t have been doing but your muscles had decided that was as far as you were going when you’d arrived home fifteen or so minutes before. Frankly, you weren’t entirely sure that shower was going to happen, the sofa was just calling to you, telling you it was past time for a nap. As your surroundings began to melt away, the ticking of the (mostly decorative) clock on the wall, the sound of the air conditioning clicking on again, the smooth white linen of your sofa underneath your fingers soothed you further but just as you nodded off the lock of your apartment door clicked.

Startled out of your sleep, you whipped your head around, spitting out the hair that had fallen into your face. You weren’t expecting anyone to be entering your apartment, but there was only one person it could have been. The door opened before you could get your achy legs to listen to you, Joshua waltzing in like he owned the place (he kinda did), followed by Mingyu, Cheol and a very tired Jeonghan. Joshua’s luggage fell to the ground from Mingyu’s arms as he made a B-line for the bathroom, leaving everyone behind.

“Y/n.”, Cheol pocketed his phone, crossing the room to greet you with a kiss on the cheek. Jeonghan nodded a lazed greeting to you from where he’d decided to land himself on the floor and massage his legs after their flight.

“Where’s my girl!?”, Joshua dropped his bag and walked in your direction, moving Cheol out of the way so he could pass the two of you, right to the source of quiet nibbling on the edge of the room.

“There she is!”, Joshua pulled the small, white and brown ball of fluff from her little enclosure, gently stroking over her ears with nothing more than a playful glance in your direction, “Hannah, my sweet girl. Daddy missed you!!”

Jeonghan snorted from across the room where he leaned against Cheol who had joined him on the floor, earning Jeonghan your best ‘say-one-word-and-so-help-me’ glare as he sipped his annoying iced Americano. It was bad enough that Joshua had named his pet rabbit after the man, but somehow it always felt like he was gloating about it too.

“What?”, Jeonghan smirked innocently before getting yanked off the floor by Seungcheol who was quickly routing their escape. Joshua digging his grave with you was none of their business.

“Okay! We will call you. Y/n, always nice to see you. Joshua… have a good week off!”, pressing his lips together, Cheol awkwardly bowed his head in your direction before following Jeonghan who already had one foot out the door. Amused, Joshua turned to you once the door had latched behind them.

Home, he was finally home. The smile on his face, though, was only getting further under your skin regardless of the thoughtful expression in his eyes.

“Phew, I’ve been holding that since we left Japan!!”, wandering cluelessly from the hall, Mingyu looked around the room, finding it emptier than he’d left it, “Where are Cheol and Jeonghan Hyung??”

“Oh! Right… they said they’d give you 5 more minutes and then they were leaving. Looks like you better get going!”, Joshua chuckled, shooing him out the door. It might have been a nasty trick to play but at least Mingyu left in a hurry so he could finally be alone with his two favorite girls.

With one last good scratching behind the ears, Joshua placed Hannah back into her cage, putting his hands in his pockets as he walked past you again, plopping comfortably onto his sofa.

“Really?”, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. After coming home from a seemingly never-ending tour, the first thing he wanted to do is hold his rabbit, named after his could-be, should-be boyfriend, the little fur ball that you’d cared for the entire time he was gone. In Joshua’s defense, he knew the moment he had you close and let down his walls and stopped his ceaseless teasing, he couldn’t be sure anything would pry him away.

“Tell me about your day.”, he gestured calmly to the space beside him, laying his head against the back of the sofa, his dark hair a strong contrast against the white cushion. His soft smile drew you in, he was truly just happy to see you. Even if you were grumpy and ultimately annoyed with him, it was still you. Sighing, you gave in, sinking into the sofa as easily as you had before he’d arrived, the tiredness of your limbs apparent once again.

“My day? How about the past few months.”, you shuffled to face him, laying your head against the sofa like he had, “And I know we’ve talked about it but the girls at the office are still convinced you don’t exist. Instead of some crazy cat-lady, I am reduced to the crazy bunny-lady because at least they know Hannah exists-”, before you knew it, you were ranting about every little thing he’d missed. Really though, you were okay if everyone thought you were crazy when you bragged about your boyfriend on business in America, even being called a ‘crazy bunny-lady”. It was the price of dating a K-pop idol and you’d gotten used to it over the past couple of years. At least it gave you something to complain about when you’d missed him more than you could put into words. Regardless of your coworkers, you were still the winner.

Joshua had always loved your acceptance and how you’d always see yourself as lucky without making it all about him being a celebrity. But he felt as if he were the lucky one, the way you saw him for him, it was easy to be himself with you.

Soon his hand found its way to fiddle with your bracelet, engraved with his initials, the only mark you wore of him, but his eyes never left you as you continued with your cute rambling. Being the gentle creature he was, Joshua was the type that listened as if every single word from your lips was precious, he had always watched and listened as if you were the only person in the world.

“Shua-”, you snorted with laughter, “-you’re being awfully affectionate.”

“Am I?”, his attention moved from your bracelet as his arms snaked around your waist. Nuzzling against you, his nose rubbed sweetly up your neck to your ear before he laid his head back against the sofa so he could watch you talk again. Not that your boyfriend wasn’t a cuddly person, but the nuzzling and the clinginess were definitely new enough to make your heart flutter even after you’d been together this long.

“I’ve just missed you so much, y/n. That’s all”, he squeezed you tightly, leaning his head against yours while his hand moved down to play with your fingers. After a moment of silence, his fingers tangled with yours you nudge your head lightly against his.

“You had a good time, didn’t you? Tell me about it, what everything was like.”, you coaxed him. Usually when he returned from trips, he’d have a lot to say. If not about himself, about the guys or his fans. But now he was quiet.

“Mm… maybe later. I just wanna settle in. I’m finally home-”, he squeezed your hand, pressing a kiss to your temple before giggling to himself, “-with my crazy bunny-lady”

“I’ve actually got something for you-”, smirking, he kissed you again before prying himself from you. Only because he knew he’d weasel his way back even if he had to attack with his love.

Silently, you waited on the edge of your seat, curious as to what gift he may have brought home with him this time. Joshua’s gifts were always meaningful, a show of his love and you cherished them deeply. Just like the bracelet he always found himself fiddling with while he listened to you, a gift from your first anniversary. It’s pair was safely kept in your room, the box always in view as a reminder. Though he couldn’t always wear it, marked with your initials, it was never far from his thoughts and his heart.

“-and you’re not allowed to laugh because I already got an earful from the guys for this one.”, cracking a grin, he dug through his things off to the side of the sofa, retrieving a bag that was slightly wrinkled but it didn’t matter because the prize, that most certainly suited you perfectly, was wrapped safely inside.

“It’s a little silly but I wanted to show you the city, next best thing if you weren’t there with me right?”, he spoke softly as you reached into the bag, pulling out a box that was easily opened once it’s shiny, blue bow was removed, revealing crystal clear glass encasing the city of New York and a blanket of snow and icy white and blue glitter.

Giving it a gentle shake, you gasp, your eyes lighting brightly as your happiness built on itself until it burst, giggling as you bounced in your seat, giving it another little shake. Teetering, you contentedly jumped up, looking for the perfect place to display it.

“What, no ‘thank you’?”, Joshua chuckled, standing to follow you as you began to turn around to thank him, the globe knocking against his chest and shattering on the dark wood floors, glittery water and glass shards splashing at your ankle and startling you into regression.

With quick reflexes he turned his body, grabbing you and moving you to the other side of him.

“Back, baby.”, he distanced you further. He’d never forgive himself if you got hurt because he failed to protect you.

Startled and quaking, you burst into tears, your hands going up to cover your leaking eyes. You hadn’t meant to drop it, it was an accident. But you broke the pretty gift that Daddy brought you all the way from America and made a mess on the floor.

“Babe, go sit in the room until I get this cleaned up so you don’t hurt yourself.”, he insisted, rubbing his hand over your back as he turned you. Though he wanted to comfort you, he had to clean up the glass, he couldn’t have you cutting any part of your precious little body on it.

“No, Daddy! Don’t want to!”, you sobbed, overwhelmed and shaken to the point that you hadn’t heard a thing either of you had said.

“Hey.”, taking your face in his hands, he patiently leveled with you until your expression reflected his calm one.

“You’re okay.”, he smiled sweetly, “We’ll get you all cleaned up. You can go play for a while until until Daddy’s all done with this and then how does a bath together sound??”

“What about the ‘nowgwobe”, you whimpered, turning your head to try to look at the broken glass on the floor, but he just turned you back to look at him.

“We can get you a new one, baby. It’s just material. It can be replaced. But you can’t, so Daddy doesn’t wanna see you hurt under any circumstances. Nothing matters more to me than your happiness, okay? Don’t worry.”, he assured you, never looking away. Though you don’t say anything in response, it does console you, your tears coming to a stop and the ache in your heart lessening.

“Okay??”, Joshua raised his brow, waiting for your answer.

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Now go play for a little bit so Daddy can take care of this. I don’t want you to get hurt.”, he turned you again to send you on your way.

“What if Daddy gets hurt?”, you worriedly faced him again, still unsatisfied with the situation.

“Are you kidding? All Daddies have Daddy powers to help take care of their little ones. Go color me something .”, he chuckled, petting your head affectionately. That seemed to be enough for you, soon he watched you disappear around the corner and heard the door latch.

In reality, Joshua was unbelievably cautious as he cleaned up the glass. Not only because he didn’t want to get cut, but now that he’d promised you, you’d tear him a new one if he did, little or not. Piece by piece he winced, wishing he had some sort of protective gear to aid him and mentally logging to invest in some as he continued.

When he finally finished he nodded to himself, proudly doing a last inspection to make sure no glass would ever touch your little feet. Once he deemed his job well done, he made his way to your room, carefully opening the door to find you teary eyed on the floor with your teddy, leaning against the bed.

Joshua hated seeing you sad, but still he couldn’t stop his smile, seeing his sweet little baby so distraught yet so precious.

“Why the frown, pretty?”, he titled his head, taking off his watch in preparation to take a bath with you.

“Daddy got me imporwtant present and I broke it.”, you sniffled.

“Are you crazy? Daddy is the one that knocked it from those little fingers, silly.”, he walked over, kneeling down and laying his head against the bed with you, “Remember what Daddy said? Nothing is more important than your happiness.”

Stroking your cheek, he looked at you thoughtfully until your smile matches his.

“By the way. I’m loving the new name.”, he grinned, chuckling softly as your face grew red.

For the rest of the evening, you were pampered endlessly, Joshua doing his very best to lure his new favorite word from your pretty lips as he sat in the tub with you, again playing with your fingers as he listened to you babble about your time apart and how much you missed him.

Not a week later, another exhausting day at work, you set your things on the counter only to stop with your bag halfway over your head. On your pink quartz counter sat an exact replacement, a New York snow globe and next to it, a card. Heat rising to your cheeks again, your heart fluttered as you picked up the card, Joshua’s intricate handwriting carved into the paper with black ink.

“Next time you’ll see the city with your own eyes. Right from my side.”

🧸Endnote: Happy Shua Day!!! Posting early for my beloved Joshie. I know we are tired of Joshua but I’ve been in Joshua hours a lot lately with his birthday being so close and now here!!! I may still have more too come (whoops) Wishing my bunny boy the best always 🤧💖💖 ALSO DID HE HAVE THAT THING IMPORTED?! Sighhhh men with money ~ 🐶🐰🍓

🧸Masterlist🧸

[fandomvariousness]

Finally

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x reader

Warnings: angst, mentions of violence & death, nsfw content

Summary: reader finally sees her lover Eren after the team retrieves him to the airship, yet he’s not the same. Will she bring him back?

Word count: 3.2k

A/N: Forgive me if some details are inaccurate, this is my rendering of the situation, so some things may not add up!

Finally.

Finally, the day you’re going to see Eren again.

You shivered with anticipation, thinking about the letters that were going sparse, until there were none. You’ve been inseparable, supporting each other every step of the way, but Eren had to deal with unthinkable, horrible things along the same steps too, and you couldn’t take all of it away – the burning hatred seeped into his brain, numbing his senses and compassion.

He offered no explanation in letters as to why he’d stopped writing so often, and you didn’t ask for one – he’s in enemy’s land, surely he has his reasons, but deep down you knew he was pushing you away.

What were you going to say to him? Will you hug him? Will he hug you? You had no idea, and it was killing you.

Your adrenaline was over the roof. Everything around you was destroyed, splintered, ground to pieces – Eren did that.

It seemed that you lost it when you realized that Eren had transformed without the care of hurting innocent civilians – his sense of revenge was stronger than anything else. You haven’t been able to approach him yet, to look into his mesmerizing jade eyes. You suspected Captain Levi has positioned you away from him on purpose – who knows how you and Eren would’ve reacted to each other’s presence after so long.

You felt the insides of your stomach turn as you hooked your cables on the airship and zipped-lined towards it. Just a minute ago you saw how Mikasa made it inside, dragging Eren along. You heard a commotion above you – Captain Levi was cussing Eren out. The casual.

You felt how everyone stopped whatever they were doing as you were climbing on board – secretly, they all wanted to know what will happen once you two meet again. That’s how powerful you two are. Were.

Out of breath, you stood up, regaining your posture, your rifle still in hands as you finally looked at him: if not for the emerald sheen of his eyes, you wouldn’t have recognized this ragged, miserable man with a chestnut resembling that of a lion.

You stared into each other, the unbearable grief that consumed you rendering you immobile. Quickly, your vision worsened, tears blurring your eyes as you realized there’s nothing behind those of Eren. He looks at you, yet doesn’t say anything, doesn’t feel anything.

“Move,” Captain Levi muttered and lightly pushed you aside.

You tore your gaze away from Eren, breathing shallow breaths as you stumbled towards the wall, leaning on it.

And then you heard the shot.

~

It was unbearable. One fleeting moment, one slightest miscalculation, and she’s gone. Sasha is gone.

You kneeled beside her tomb with your head hanging down, hot teardrops sinking into the pale stone. Everything was always shit, but now… now it’s pure hell. You sobbed and raised your head to look at the cloudy sky, cutting off the air flow, trying to pull yourself together.

“Hey,” Jean approached you, Connie not far behind. “Come here.”

He crouched down to your level and placed his palms on your shoulders reassuringly, helping you stand up.

Eren was nowhere to be seen. He kept to himself in his quarters, but Captain Levi forbid anyone to properly visit him anyway. He thought Eren’s unstable.

But you thought the opposite. Eren’s perfectly stable – the deadly precision, calculation and determination fueled his conscious, revenge-fueled decisions, and frankly, you were afraid. He wasn’t thrashing around like he would years ago, screaming and tearing everything apart, consumed by fury – he knew what he was doing now.

The last time you laid eyes on him was during Sasha’s funeral, but it seemed that he wasn’t even there. His body was, of course, but his mind was fleeting somewhere else, somewhere where he could continue plotting the utter extermination of every last one of his enemies.

It’s going to be hard, bringing him back. Hell, you didn’t even know if it’s possible – he truly looked like a goner. But you were going to try, because there isn’t any other living being in the world you love more than Eren Jaeger.

~

You sat on your bed, facing the one that belonged to Sasha. She would tell you to stand up and go straight to Eren and whoop his ass for ignoring you.

You sank your teeth in your lower lip as you stood up and made your way towards Captain Levi’s office.

“Come in,” his low voice muttered after you knocked. He rolled his eyes when he saw it’s you.

“What is it?” he asked, his desk already stuffed with a bunch of paperwork.

“I need to visit Eren.” you realized how selfish your request sounds in the midst of everything, but you couldn’t help it.

“No.” he answered after a few seconds of regarding you, without any care in the world. “You’ll just wind him up.”

Your heart skipped a beat – if Captain Levi thought that Eren still feels something for you, then maybe it’s true.

“Please, Captain, I –”

“Stop whining, brat.” he hissed, silencing you.

There was a wall of miscommunication between the two of you as you stared at each other, trying to convince one another silently.

He put down his pen after a few moments and leaned back in his chair as he sighed slowly. “You’re gonna do it anyway, aren’t you?”

You shrugged ever so slightly as you stared at nothing in particular.

Some more silence passed. “I’ve not yet decided on giving you week’s-worth punishment for insubordination, but go. Get out.”

“Thank you, Captain.” you bowed your head to him quickly, suppressing your smile as you basically ran away.

Levi rubbed his forehead. “Stupid brats.”

~

As you approached the door of Eren’s room, your heart pounded against your ribs so hard, you truly thought they’re going to crack. Yet here you were, standing within a step from the door, eyeing the little crack of light that emits from within – it’s not completely closed.

You lifted your trembling arm and knocked softly, then once again, harder this time, thinking he may not have heard it.

“Eren?” you whispered weakly after you got no reply once again.

You gulped and pushed the door further, stepping in – empty. He’s not here.

You released a breath you didn’t realize you were holding as you stepped further, looking around. The whole room looked almost untouched if not for the sack of a few items he brought from his old room. Your eyes flicked towards a stack of letters on the desk – your letters.

Your lower lip quivered as you approached them, picking one up – not even opened.

Pain and anger spun like a vortex inside you, bringing hot tears to your eyes. How important must’ve been the reason that he denied you the slightest explanation?

The letter dropped back to the desk as you flinched, hearing the door shut behind you.

Gasping quietly, you turned around, seeing him clearly for the first time since a couple of days ago. He stood there in all his cool, newfound glory: hair long enough to be messily gathered in a bun, naked torso adorned with chiseled abs, V line protruding from his waistline, and pants that hugged his muscular legs.

He had a toweled hanging over his shoulder – that’s where he’s been, in the showers.

You didn’t know what was the exact reason for the hot blush that crept to your face in a second – the fact that Eren is even more attractive than you remember, or that you stood there like a mute, with your jaw basically on the floor.

His own gaze was unreadable – he watched you like a hawk as he approached the chair and draped the towel over its back, stuffing his hands in his pockets afterwards.

You snapped awake, glancing at the letters behind you, and then back at him. “You never opened them.”

“You need to forget me,” he spoke, staring directly in your eyes. “I’ve only have a few years left anyway, if I’m lucky.”

It hurt you how assured of his words he was as you turned your body from him, desperately trying to calm down. He stood there just the same when you dared to look at him again.

“Why are you doing this?” you asked, failing to conceal the tremble that laced your voice. “I’ve told you countless times, I’m with you until the end, and even then.”

“That’s exactly why.” he raised his voice just a bit, reminding of the old Eren you used to know. “I can’t bear the fact that you’re okay with… all this.”

You covered your face with your palms momentarily before stepping a couple of steps closer to him. “Did you honestly think I’ll go down with this scheme of yours?”

“I’m determined to make it happen.”

“Eren, don’t be stupid!” you couldn’t control yourself anymore. “I’m not some… weak maiden in need of constant attention! I’m your partner!”

“You want to be partner of the monster that I am?” he asked, a faint hint of disappointment in his voice.

You sighed, closing your eyes. “Eren…”

“I’m a murderer.” he said as he lessened the space between you a little more, trying to impose his truth on you – you could almost feel his breath on your skin, what made another shiver run down your spine.

You opened your eyes abruptly, because you knew he expected that you won’t be able to even look at him after what he’s done. His jade eyes were the same as before as you drowned in them.

You couldn’t help as you placed your dainty palms on his ripped upper arms, the tips of your fingers jolting with electricity. Eren felt that too, for you heard him draw in a sharp breath.

You were going to say something, but right now you couldn’t focus on anything other than your skins touching again, after all this time. You gulped as you gathered courage to lightly stroke down to his forearms.

“You’re not a monster.” you spoke again. “You’re just a hurt boy who can’t help but hurt others.”

He stayed silent, because he knew it’s true. You always did this to him – always had one last argument that made him shut up. His eyes became glassy as he looked down in shame, gripping your own forearms in his calloused palms.

“Come here,” you mumbled as you wound your arms around his neck, cradling him, as his own arms snaked around your waist, head buried in the crook of your neck.

You were only hugging, but it felt ecstatic. You gripped him tightly, swearing to yourself never to let go again. You felt a few wet drops run down your shoulder, yet Eren didn’t release a sound – you knew he was holding back.

“I’m sorry for everything.” he whispered. “You don’t deserve this.”

“Eren, you’re never getting rid of me.” you whispered into his hair before planting a tender kiss on his head.

He released a breathy laugh, tickling your neck. You nuzzled into each other more, and then you felt his lips on your neck, pecking it lightly, immediately blazing flames in your lower region.

You arched your neck back, providing him with an easier access to your skin. You couldn’t suppress a small gasp as his hot breath trailed up to your jaw, along with his longing-filled kisses.

“I missed you.” he whispered against your jaw, before pecking just below the corner of your lips.

Your mind was already in shambles. “Believe me, I missed you more.”

Your lips finally collided: desperate, needy, hungry. His fingers dug into your hips, aligning your centers as your palms slid down to the either side of his neck. You moaned into his lips between the famished, open-mouthed kisses as he gripped your behind, trying to savor it all.

Your palms were running down his chest on their own, exploring every crevice and scar, some old and some new, still unexplored. You felt his hand slide under the hem of your shirt up to your ribs, leaving a scalding-hot trail in its wake.

You rutted your hips against his automatically, getting needier with every passing second, your hands hooked around his neck again, holding on for dear life.

Your jaw slacked as he sneaked his hand under your bra, his fingers coming in contact with your hardened nipple. He drew back a little so that he could see your flushed face and hazy eyes, a light sheen of saliva reflecting from your slightly lolled out tongue.

“More, you say? Just how much?” he teased, his eyes darting from your eyes to your lips repeatedly, the corners of his lips upturned ever so slightly.

“Really, really much,” you whimpered before he discarded you of your shirt and bra, his hands roaming down your sides as he sucked on your jugular, your hands buried in his hair, ruining his bun.

“Jump.” he said between the wet kisses as you felt his hands under your thighs.

He made his way towards the bed before gently dropping you down on it, feeling the tent in his pants become unbearable, almost painful. How could it not, when you lay sprawled out under him, hair messy around your head like a halo, all the while needy breaths escaping your lips?

You knew exactly what you were doing to him, but you wanted to drive him crazy, to make up for all the painful time you’ve spent apart. You started wriggling out of your leggings, your gaze never leaving his eyes. He unbuttoned his own pants before they slid to the ground, revealing a formed tent under his boxers.

Suddenly, he grabbed you by your calves and yanked you closer, forcing a yelp from you. Second after his lips crashed on yours again, making their way down, passing your neck, collarbones, stomach, until they reached their destination.

You found it hard to breathe as he kissed your inner tight, getting closer and closer to where you needed him most.

“Eren,” you whimpered, your eyes closed, hands gripping the sheets. “Please…”

You felt him smile against your thigh before his tongue flicked against your clothed clit lightly, coaxing another high-pitched moan from you.

You put the back of your hand against your mouth quickly, embarrassed at the sudden reaction. You felt the bed shift before you opened your eyes and saw him parallel with your own body again.

“Don’t,” he asked as he removed your arm from your face. “I want to hear every little sound you make.”

He kissed you once before making his way back, hooking his fingers on your panties and sliding them down painfully slowly. The cold air on your skin peppered it with goosebumps, yet when you felt Eren’s face lower to your center, your body ignited once again.

A moan got stuck in your throat as you felt Eren’s slick tongue go all the way from your entrance to your clit, circling it, literally driving you crazy.

“Eren,” you moaned, the back of your head buried into the mattress as you wound your hands through his hair, completely ruining the bun, his chestnut hair falling to the sides and framing his face.

His fingers dug into your thighs as he pleasured you with his tongue, awakening the passion in you that was dormant during his absence.

Eren loved the taste of you on his tongue as he sucked on you, holding down your squirming hips. He knew you were close; he remembers everything your body language tells him.

“E-Eren, I’m gonna—” you choked out, confirming his observations.

You felt cold air hit your slick folds as Eren drew back, quickly discarding himself of his last piece of clothing before he leaned down, planting a sloppy kiss on your lips.

“Ready?” he breathed into your lips, receiving a nod.

The burning sensation followed his dick breaching your entrance, stretching it out after so long.

“Fuck,” he groaned against your mouth, having forgotten just how good your pussy feels.

You choked out a groan as you wound your legs around his waist, urging him to plunge deeper, despite the slight pain that strains you.

“This good?” he asks between his heavy breathing as he makes his way deeper into you.

“Yeah, yeah,” you nod quickly, your voice out of tune.

He finally hits your cervix, staying like that for a few moments, allowing you to adjust, peppering your neck with kisses as your chest rises and falls heavily.

You kiss his lips as you place a hand against his buttocks, urging him to go on. He goes back to the point of pulling out before hitting you deep again, building up his pace as he does so.

Your mind is getting hazier with each thrust – it seemed that the room turned into a sauna as you could almost see the huffs of air that escaped both of your mouths.

“You’re doing so good, baby,” he groaned against your ear as he pinned your hand above to your head, intertwining his fingers with yours.

He was barely controlling himself as your pussy clenched around him – he probably never had to restrain himself with you as he does now, regarding the absence of your touch for such a long amount of time. You’ve never been apart that long, and he hoped you’ll never be again.

“Eren!” you screamed, sensing your release fast approaching as you wound your hands around his neck.

He pounded into you hard, bringing some steamy memories of your times before for a moment.

Finally, you fell, arching your back, your stomach gliding against his, as every nerve of your brain exploded. Eren continued thrusting into you until a few moments after you felt his own release spilling inside you.

He moaned against the crook of your neck, planting a few kisses. He rolled to your side and faced the ceiling with his eyes closed, until they snapped open again, hearing you sniffle.

Guilt washed over him like a tempest as he leaned on his side, gently gripping your waist as you covered your eyes with the back of your forearm. “Did I hurt you??”

“No!” you yelped and removed your arm from your face, placing your palm on his cheek instead. For a moment you were so frightened he would blame himself for something he didn’t even do.

“No,” you repeated, more softly. “I’m just really happy you’re here.”

He leaned his forehead to yours, worry leaving his body almost visibly. He sighed as he brought you closer.

You tucked a few of his locks behind his ear, making him look a couple years younger. “I love your hair.”

Eren chuckled, his eyes still closed in the afterglow bliss. “Captain hates it. He said –”

Then it dawned on him. “Wait, how did you get here?” he leaned on his forearm as he looked at you, genuinely interested, amusement threatening to widen his smile any moment.

“I simply asked Captain.”

Eren raised an eyebrow. “And he let you?? Just like that?”

“Well,” you trailed off. “He did mention something about a punishment for insubordination…”

“Unbelievable,” Eren whispered, as he sunk back into the mattress, quiet laughs emanating from his chest, as you drew shapes on it with a stupid smile on your face. “And you still came.”

“I’ll be fine if you visit me at least twice while I’m behind bars?”

You two laughed even harder, and this moment, this tiny moment in the vast space surrounding everything, was perfect.

[yellowsuitcase]

In the Prefect’s Bathroom Part 4 // Draco Malfoy

A/N: Guys!!! It's the FINAL part, yay!! I'm super proud of this and I think it's super cute and just AAHH I really hope y'all like it. Lemme know what you think of it and if you expected any of it. Thank you so much for reading, and Happy Thanksgiving (if you celebrate it)

Summary: Draco has been trying to get Y/N to talk to him since he confessed, but he hasn't had any luck. Until, he finds something she left in his dorm.

Warning(s): SMUT! Unprotected sex, lots of fluff, swearing, angst

Word Count: 5k

Masterlist & Taglist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Three weeks had gone by, and now Draco was on his bed, toying with the idea of giving up. Y/N had been avoiding him ever since that day he confessed. No matter how hard he tried to get her to warm back up to him, she kept her distance. He had tried everything. He'd sit next to her in class; she'd move seats. He'd wait outside the Gryffindor tower; she'd strut right past him. It seemed as nothing was working, so of course, he was getting a bit discouraged.

Just a couple days ago, the two of them had been in Charms class, and on his way out, Draco noticed that Y/N had dropped her book. This is my chance, he thought to himself. He quickly bent down to pick it up since he assumed she would've been already halfway down the corridor by the time he got back up. But when he arose from the floor, she was standing right in front of him. His heart pounded in his chest. Draco knew he had to stall for time, try and get her defenses to weaken. He turned the book over in his hands. "The Tales of Beedle and Bard," he read aloud. Y/N blushed and averted her eyes. He opened the cover and read the first few lines to himself.

There was once a kindly old wizard who used his magic generously and wisely for the benefit of his neighbours. Rather than reveal the true source of his power, he pretended that his potions, charms and antidotes sprang ready-made from the little cauldron he called his lucky cooking pot.

Draco shut the book and said, "I've actually never read them. My father didn't permit me to. Said it was written by a muggle lover. Supposedly he filed an official request to remove it from Hogwarts's shelves." Draco chuckled as he ran his finger along the spine of the light blue book. But his laughter died when he glanced up at Y/N. She looked rather upset, causing Draco to panic and quickly backtrack. "That isn't to say I don't want to read them now. I mean, I'm sure they're not as bad as Father thought they were," he sputtered. Y/N remained silent. "Perhaps... we could read them together, maybe?" he asked hopefully. He knew it was a shot in the dark, but he did it anyway. Draco hadn't heard Y/N's voice in weeks, and it was making him grow desperate.

Softly, she reached out her hand, and Draco held his breath. But then her fingers grasped the book, and the Slytherin felt his heart shatter. He cleared his throat, trying to push away the lump that had formed in it. His grip loosened, and Y/N pulled her book towards her chest. She didn't even look at him before she turned around and rushed down the hallway, leaving Draco feeling stranded, hopeless, and, quite frankly, stupid for even trying.

Since then, he hadn't put in nearly as much effort into rekindling their friendship. It was painfully obvious Y/N wanted nothing more to do with him, and as much as it hurt, Draco had to accept that. But that didn't stop his thoughts. It couldn't. Every night, he would lay awake, worrying. Worrying about Y/N's wellbeing. Was she happy? Did she make any new friends?

Did she still feel alone?

Draco didn't know. From the little he'd seen of her, he assumed she was alright. He hoped she was. But he had no real way of knowing. He had tried reaching out to her roommate multiple times, but all Stephanie would tell him was that she thought Y/N seemed fine, just a bit quiet. That answer never sat well with him. During those few weeks, before he confessed, he had learned so much about Y/N. One of those things being that she was not quiet. She had talked his ear off many times, telling him funny stories from her childhood. Like how, after one of their study sessions, she told him about the time she had made her pet fish turn yellow just by looking at it. Draco remembered that day clearly.

"My mum was terrified! One moment my fish was blue and the next he was yellow! I mean, imagine that." Y/N laughed. Draco shook his head in disbelief. "Sounds like you were quite the little mischief-maker," he replied as he twirled his wand between his fingers, it was becoming a bit of a habit. Y/N continued giggling, kicking her legs as she did so. "You should've seen the look on my dad's face when he got home. That was the day he sat her and me down and told us he was a wizard. My poor mum. She had no idea."

Draco sat up in shock. "Wait, wait, you're a half-blood?" he asked, eyes wide. Y/N cocked an eyebrow. "Is that a problem, Malfoy?" she questioned as she began to sit up. Her tone was somewhat threatening. Draco raised his hands to show his lack of ill intention. "No, no. I was just surprised," he quickly explained. Y/N chuckled and waved her hand towards him. "Relax, I'm only playing with you," she assured him. Her words piqued Draco's interest. He wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips, staring suggestively into her eyes. "Well, I'd sure like to play with you," he husked. Y/N gasped loudly and swiftly removed the pillow from behind her back and chucked it at the blonde boy sitting across from her. "Draco!" she screeched. "Joking!" he mumbled. "Just joking...unless."

Y/N crossed her arms, and obnoxiously shook her head while clicking her tongue disapprovingly. Draco snickered before throwing the pillow back at her, making her giggle. His heart skipped a beat as he watched her eyes twinkle. She looked unreal to Draco, ethereal almost. However, he was torn from his trance by her continuing the story. "Anyways, as I was saying, my lovely mum had the shock of her life. I was surprised as well. I mean, I had just found out I was a bloody witch. Although I was much more delighted than she was. Come to think of it, she might've cried," Y/N said with a small frown. "Wow..." Draco muttered. "But what does she think of it now? What with you being at Hogwarts and all."

Y/N hummed to herself, recalling that last time she and her mother spoke about Hogwarts. "Well, I think she thinks it's a bit surreal, you know? She always imagined I'd graduate and go off to university to become a doctor or something, but here I am at a school for wizards and witches," she said while gesturing to the castle walls around her. Draco nodded although he was a bit confused. "She just doesn't understand, right?" he asked. Y/N pursed her lips. "I think she will, with time. Maybe I can introduce her to you and your family. Now that would be really fun," she suggested with a mischievous glint in her eye. Draco furrowed his eyebrows. "And why is that?" he questioned, staring at the giggling girl. "Just imagine me introducing you. I'd say, hey mum, this is my best friend and his wizard parents who dress like they're going to a funeral every single day. Oh, and they also own a mansion in the countryside because they're rolling in galleons!" Y/N bellowed, nearly falling over as she clutched her stomach, erupting in laughter.

Draco would've berated her for the slander towards his parents, but his mind was fixated on three words, "My best friend." He waited until Y/N ceased laughing before asking her, "I'm your best friend?" She looked at him as if he had grown a second head. "Well, duh, you're my only friend, Draco." The Slytherin did his best to hide his blush as he looked to the floor. "You're mine too," he mumbled. But Y/N didn't hear.

Draco sighed as he sat on his bed. He missed her. He wished so badly that she'd walk through his door. But she wouldn't, and he knew that. Slowly, he pushed himself off the green covered mattress and walked over to his wooden desk. A piece of parchment was already on top of it, so he took a seat, and he reached for his ink bottle and quill. His nimble fingers unscrewed the cap, and he dipped the point inside it, drenching it in black liquid. He'd written letters to Y/N many times, but every time he finished one, he'd get scared and chuck it into the bin. Draco knew he'd probably do the same tonight, but he wanted to try. So he pressed his quill to the paper and began.

"Dear Y/N, I hope you are doing well. I'm writing to you to give you my apologies. I should've known better than to confess my feelings for you at such a time. I really hope..." he stilled his hand, not knowing what to say next. His head was reeling as different thoughts and feelings flooded his brain, none of which he knew how to convey in words. She made him so dizzy. But, ever persistent, Draco started again.

"Dear Y/N, Are you doing well? I truly hope that you are. I write to you to tell you that I'm sorry for everything. I said and did so many foolish things that day, and if I could take all of them back, I swear, I would. I know I must've frightened you that day, but Y/N, I fear you don't know how much I miss you. I've never felt this empty before. But I know it's because you're not here. I need you..." Draco, in his frustrated haze, crossed out the last line and crumbled the parchment in his fist. He then tossed it across the room, watching as it hit the wall next to his door, and bounced on the foot of his brass coat rack. He stared at it, thinking about donning his coat and taking a walk around campus. But then, he noticed something underneath. He jumped to his feet and rushed over to the rack. Curious, he lifted his black coat off the hook to reveal a brown cardigan underneath. His chest tightened; it was Y/N's. She must've left it in his room after one of their study sessions. Come to think of it, it was probably from the night before Draco confessed.

Hesitantly, the boy reached out and touched his fingers to the cardigan. It was soft. He lifted it up and held it in his hands, letting his emotions settle. Then, he brought it to his nose, breathing in deeply. It still smelled of her: apples, hazelnut, and cinnamon. Draco felt tears begin to gather in his eyes, but he hastily blinked them away. With care, he hung the cardigan back up and retreated to his desk. He got seated, pulled out a new sheet of parchment, and began writing for the third time that night.

------------

Dear Y/N,

I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing to you to inform you that I've discovered your cardigan in my room. The brown one that is. I suppose you left it after our last study session. I can return it to you tomorrow morning at breakfast, or if you'd prefer, you can fetch it tonight. The current password to the Slytherin common room is Jobberknoll. Hopefully, you remember where my bedroom is, but should you have forgotten, it's at the very top of the stairway on your left. Please knock three times before entering.

There's no need to send an owl with your reply. Just make sure to come before 9:30. If you don't, I'll assume you wish to receive the cardigan at breakfast, in which case, I shall wait for you by the door.

Draco

Y/N clutched the parchment tightly in her hands. She had been scared half to death when an owl landed right beside her while she was sitting by the open windows. But now, she was more afraid of getting her cardigan back. She glanced around her room frantically, as if she'd find an answer to her dilemma upon the walls. Her eyes then drifted back to the parchment in her hands. She looked at where Draco had signed his name. Above it was a dark scribble as if he had scratched something out. What did he write there? It was probably just 'sincerely,' but what if it was something else. What if it was 'with love'? Y/N wondered. She closed her eyes; she needed to calm down. There was no way she'd be able to make a rational decision with such thoughts running through her brain.

But Y/N had nobody to consult, nobody to refer to. Ever since she'd pushed Draco away that day, she'd been alone. Her roommate spoke to her on occasion, but only about school-related things. Almost the entirety of her house had shunned her. And the whole school knew what she did, so making friends had proven to be difficult. But because of this, Y/N had been able to do a lot of thinking. Truthfully, she missed Draco. She hated herself for rejecting him that day. She hated herself because she liked him. The only reason she had rejected him was that she knew she wasn't ready for another relationship. And on top of that, she didn't think she deserved one. Draco wasn't someone she deserved, not in her mind.

But here she was, being forced to make a decision. Should she just wait until tomorrow, or should she go to his room? Her brain was telling her to wait until tomorrow; that way, she could take the cardigan, thank him, and be on her merry way. But her heart screamed at her to go to him. Go to him, confess to him, bring him back into her life. Y/N glanced at the clock; it was nearly nine. "Fuck," she muttered before pushing off the window seat; her loneliness had gotten the best of her.

She rushed towards her closet and flung the doors open. Her eyes scanned the array of clothing for a few moments before she pulled out her favorite pair of light grey sweatpants along with her pale green crewneck. She threw them on and tucked her wand into her pocket. Then she checked herself in the mirror. Her hair was already pulled back, and she had light mascara on. It was good enough, in her opinion, so she slipped on her shoes and turned her doorknob with a shaky hand.

--------

Draco was sitting in his armchair with a blue book in his hands when he heard three distinct knocks at his door. His breathing began to hasten; surely, it couldn't be... Only one way to find out. "Come in!" he called. The door swung open to reveal Y/N. She looked nervous as all hell but nevertheless, stepped inside his room and closed the door behind her. Neither of them said anything. They simply stared at one another. But luckily, Draco came to his senses. "Right, your cardigan," he said as he dropped his book and stood up. He grabbed the cardigan off the back of his chair and walked over to her, holding out the garment. "Here you are." Y/N took it into her hands and examined it. "Thank you, I thought it was lost forever," she told him with a smile. Draco faltered for a moment. He'd forgotten how sweet her voice was. But then he nodded, and the awkward silence returned. It hung in the air for a few moments before it was broken by the two of them simultaneously blurting out, "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, Y/N," Draco insisted while shifting his eyes to the floor. "I acted like a fool that day a-and I frightened you, and I made you so overwhelmed. I should've known better, and I am so sorry...I've missed you so much," he said, whispering his last few words. Eventually, he found the courage to look up, and when he did, he saw that Y/N was crying. His heart clenched, and he felt regret pool in his gut. But before he could apologize again, Y/N spoke up.

"I've missed you too, Draco. And I'm not sorry I rejected you that day, I'm sorry that I kicked you out of my life. I thought I was protecting myself because I just knew I would've gone back on my decision if I had let you stay. I liked you too, I still do, but I just wasn't ready. You're too good to be true. I don't deserve a second chance; I don't deserve you. But you didn't deserve to be shut out, and I really hope you can forgive—"

Y/N was cut off by Draco smashing his lips against hers. He held her face in his hands as she gasped, allowing him to sneak his tongue out and run it along her lower lip. She moaned into his mouth as he started to nibble. His hands traveled downwards until they settled on her hips. He pulled her closer and groaned when his hips touched hers. God, how he had missed this. Then, Y/N reached up and ran her hands through his hair, successfully messing it up. Draco knew he wanted more but pulled away from her lips. She breathed heavily and looked into his eyes, puzzled as to why he stopped.

"You're mine...right?" Draco asked anxiously. Y/N smiled and pulled him close for another soft kiss. "I'm yours," she whispered. Draco kissed her again, and she eagerly returned it. Hesitantly, Draco sneaked his hand underneath her shirt, merely letting it sit there against her hot skin as he slipped his tongue into her mouth again. Then, he began to slide his hand up her torso, all while paying attention to her reactions. She seemed to be kissing him harder as he gently ran his thumb along the underside of her breast. He took that as a sign he was doing good, so he placed his hand on top of it and squeezed. Y/N let out a loud moan and pulled away from the kiss. "Draco, please," she whined. He snickered as he studied her pleading face. "What do you need, princess?" he asked in a sultry voice. Y/N squirmed and continued to whine. Draco clicked his tongue. "Always so scared to tell me what you want. There's no need to be embarrassed. I'll give you whatever you want. I just need you to tell me," he reminded her gently. She bit her lip and stared at the floor before finally answering.

"I wanna have sex with you," she whispered. Her face was crimson. Draco felt his heart squeeze; she was too cute. He put his hand underneath her chin and tilted it upwards. A gentle kiss was planted on her lips. "I wanna have sex with you too, darling," he murmured. Y/N couldn't hide her smile as she swiftly took his hand and led him to the bed. Draco smirked and, with sneaky hands, pushed her onto the bed, making her squeal. "Draco!" she yelled with her back now pressed against the mattress. The Slytherin wasted no time; he jumped on top of her while mimicking a roar, causing Y/N to burst into laughter. Her laugh was music to his ears.

Draco tugged her shirt up and off her body, throwing it to the floor. His hands immediately traveled to her back where he unclasped her bra, throwing that away too. Draco felt his dick twitch in his pants upon seeing her nipples harden in the cold air. He leaned down and latched his lips onto one of them while twisting the other between his fingers. Y/N's gasp sent a shiver down his spine, and he sucked her even harder.

"Draco..." she moaned. Draco let go of her tits and sat up, admiring her flushed face. Then Y/N suddenly sat up and grasped the bottom of his shirt and proceeded to yank it off him. Draco only watched as she did this. Her hands then traveled to his pants. She unzipped him and pushed his waistband down, exposing his briefs. He helped her out by maneuvering himself off his knees so that he could kick his pants off.

Once the pants joined the rest of the clothes, Y/N reached for the top of his underwear. But before she could go any further, Draco stopped her. She looked at him, confused as to why he wouldn't want her to touch him. "Tonight is about you, darling. Lie back for me now," Draco instructed. Y/N's face turned red, but she did as she was told and lowered her body onto the bed. Draco's hands grasped her pants, and he slowly pulled them down, stopping to press kisses to her thighs as he went. They were both in only their underwear now, and he could see Y/N was getting impatient. "Speak princess, what do you want?" Draco asked. Y/N pressed her thighs together and rolled her hips a bit before she spoke. "Finger me, please," she begged. Draco smiled at her and immediately pressed his fingers to her pussy, still covered by her panties.

"So polite," he purred as he gently rubbed her clit through her underwear. She closed her eyes and hummed in pleasure. "That feel good, princess?" Draco asked. Y/N nodded and opened her mouth to reply, but a long moan quickly replaced the words on her tongue as Draco applied more pressure to her nub. He continued to swirl his finger around it for a couple minutes, then he slid a different finger past her panties and slowly pushed it inside, feeling her thighs clench as he did so. "So tight," he mumbled before leaning down and giving her a sweet kiss. The intrusion of another finger caused her to gasp into his mouth. Draco groaned and pressed down on her clit, making her hips jump.

"Did you miss this? Did you miss my fingers inside you and my kisses on your body?" he questioned as he thrusted into her. Y/N clenched her walls around his digits and nodded eagerly. "So much. So fucking much," she mewled. Draco added another finger and increased his pace. He noticed Y/N's breathing beginning to get quicker, and he knew she was close. So he finger-fucked her hole for a minute more before withdrawing his hand. Y/N cried out in frustration and glared at him angrily. "Why did you do that?" she whined.

But then, without warning, Draco lifted up her shirt and pressed his lips to her soft stomach, blowing a raspberry onto it. Y/N instantly screamed and wiggled violently underneath him. "STOP, STOP!" she shrieked, trying to get away as her giggles became uncontrollable. Eventually, Draco took mercy on her and ceased his torment. He leaned up to see Y/N was out of breath, and her hair was a mess. "Quit playing games and put your dick inside me, you twat," she ordered. Draco's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "If you say so," he muttered, taking his cock out of his underwear. Y/N's eyes widened, but before she could say or do anything, Draco slid all the way inside her, burying his dick in her pussy. "Ohhh, fuck," she moaned. Draco grunted as he adjusted to the tightness of her hole. He had the instinct to begin slamming into her, but he controlled his urges and allowed her body to adapt to him as he positioned his hands next to her head.

Y/N's walls clenched around him, and she bucked her hips. "Move, please," she pleaded softly. "As you wish," Draco said as he slowly pulled himself out and thrusted back in, setting a slow but consistent pace. Y/N let out quiet mewls as he moved in and out. Her legs found their way to his waist, and they quickly wrapped around it. This pulled him closer and forced his dick deeper inside her. "Fuck," Draco moaned as he leaned down for a kiss while continuing to thrust. Y/N hummed into his mouth and flicked her tongue against his. "Shit, you feel so good," she purred. Draco's cock twitched at her words, and he increased his pace. A harsh grunt escaped him as Y/N reached up and dug her nails into his back. "You're so gorgeous, Y/N," he breathed. "So goddamn gorgeous."

Suddenly, Draco's sensual thrusts were halted by Y/N calling his name. "Yes, darling?" he replied. "You can be rough, I don't mind," she told him gently. Draco smiled down at her and pressed quick kisses along her jaw. "I know, but I can do that another night. Right now," he angled his head so that his lips were by her ear, "I'm making love to you," he whispered, feeling her shudder beneath him.

Y/N's eyes grew soft, and she moved her hands to his face. "You're perfect," she mumbled before pulling his lips to hers, where they shared a passionate kiss. "So perfect." Draco started to thrust again, resuming his slower pace. The force of his cock rocked the couple back and forth on the plush pillows. But then, he had an idea.

He moved his hands from their spot beside Y/N's head, slid them underneath her back, and lifted her up. "Shit," she cursed as she was now on Draco's lap, his dick still buried deep inside her. Slowly, Draco raised her off him and turned her around so that her back was facing him. He then repositioned her hips above his cock and gently lowered her onto it. "Ohhh," she moaned as she once again became full. She was about to lift herself up and fuck herself on his dick, but Draco's hands stopped her. He pushed her legs wide and placed his hand over her pussy. This didn't please Y/N. She started to squirm and buck her hips forward, causing Draco to groan as she stimulated his cock. "Stay still, princess. I'll take care of you," he assured her. His fingers pressed against her heat and slowly spread the upper lips, exposing her clit. With his other hand, he touched his fingers to her nub and slowly began to circle it. Y/N's head fell back onto his shoulder, and a long, deep groan escaped her throat.

"Oh my god," she whimpered as her breathing became ragged. Draco's hands never stopped or stuttered, not even when Y/N's walls squeezed him tight. He just kept rubbing and rubbing; her soft pants sounded like heaven to him. Suddenly, Y/N's thighs began to tense. "Draco, fuck, I'm close," she muttered. Draco turned his head and once again hovered his lips next to her ear. "Cum on me. Cum with me buried inside you," he ordered. Y/N gasped and rolled her head on his shoulder. He could tell she was almost there. "Oh, god. Fuck, fuck, fuck, just a little more," she begged.

Draco kept circling her clit until finally, she inhaled sharply, and her walls clenched him hard. His finger didn't stop; it continued to rub her throughout her high. It only ceased when Draco felt her body jolt from overstimulation. He then pushed her forward onto her hands and knees and began pounding into her, chasing his own climax. The sounds of skin slapping combined with the tightness of Y/N's pussy lit a fire in Draco's abdomen, and soon, he was pushed over the edge. "Cumming," he warned her before he released inside Y/N with a deep groan. The couple remained in that position for a good minute, breathing heavily. Then Draco pulled himself out and laughed as Y/N immediately collapsed face-first onto his bed. He gently flipped her over and kissed her cheek. "You alright, darling?" he asked. She smiled and turned to him. Then, without thinking, she blurted, "I think I love you." Immediately, Y/N slapped her hand over her mouth. But Draco only grinned and said, "I love you too, Y/N."

She lowered her hand and averted her eyes as blush filled her cheeks. "Draco, are we..." she trailed off, looking apprehensive. "Boyfriend and girlfriend?" he asked. Y/N nodded. "I'd love to be your boyfriend, darling," he said sweetly. In less than a second, Draco was attacked by a forceful hug from Y/N. He wrapped his arms around her still naked body and held her close, breathing in her scent: apples, hazelnut, and cinnamon.

"Thank you for not giving up on me," she said softly. "I don't know what I would've done with myself if you had just stopped caring one day," Y/N confessed. Draco gently pulled away from the hug and cradled his girlfriend's face in his hands. "I never  would've stopped caring. Y/N you were all I thought about," he assured her. He watched as her tears began to fall from her eyes. "Don't cry, sweetheart, I'm here now; I've got you. There's no need to cry," he said sweetly, trying to comfort her. But Y/N kept on crying, so he dragged a blanket over his lap and pulled her on top of it. "Look at me, darling," he instructed lightly. She rubbed her tears away with her arm and looked into Draco's eyes.

"I love you. I love you so much. Do not waste your tears on the mistakes of the past. All that matters is that I've got you, and you've got me. Alright?" Y/N continued to wipe her tears and nodded. "Alright. I love you too," she replied.

Draco pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, slid her off his lap, and stood up from the bed. He grabbed some tissues and cleaned himself off before doing the same for Y/N. Then he pulled on his underwear and tossed Y/N hers. As she was getting dressed, Draco strode over to his armchair. In the seat of it sat a small blue book. He picked it up and took it with him as he went back to bed. Y/N was already under the covers; she looked at him quizzically when she noticed the object in his hand. Her mouth opened to speak, but Draco quickly shushed her. He slid under the covers and cozied up next to Y/N. Then, he cracked open the book, cleared his throat, and began to read.

"There was once a kindly old wizard who used his magic generously and wisely for the benefit of his neighbours. Rather than reveal the true source of his power, he pretended that his potions, charms and antidotes sprang ready-made from the little cauldron he called his lucky cooking pot."

The End

Taglist: @beiahadid @pastelpuffbar @cutie1365 @dracoxmgg @lumlfy @sambucky8 @emilianamason @orangecrayon @obsssedwithjustaboutanything @hustlinhufflepuff @goddessofgames @dracocanslytherin8 @superbturtlemakerathlete @raplinethereal @mllzhxrrz44 @dixiethemorab24 @prongsandprancer @azkabanlexi

[fuck-customers]

So I guess my GM thinks I'm going crazy and I might not get the promotion or respect I'm due because of it.

Backstory: I've worked in and out of fast food for close to ten years now. I've worked at this specific Wacdonalds for four with a year and a half gap in between where I found a better job, then lost it during covid. The reason I left the first time was because I had a mental breakdown. I had to go to a psych ward for a week where the psychiatrist and therapist stressed to me that my job was such a huge stressor on my life that I needed to find a new one for my own safety and agreeing to do that was part of my evaluation for them feeling comfortable releasing me. I did go back after that for a few months but on a limited basis. I didn't do service, I dropped down from being a manager in training back to normal crew, my hours were reduced, and I started seeing a therapist. Unfortunately I was still owed money where I hadn't been properly paid for six months and my supervisor said Wacdonalds didn't do backpay. That was the final push I needed to go elsewhere.

Of course, it's always something going wrong and I lost my new job during covid. I tried finding something else and ended up jobless doing a very, very low paying babysitting gig for six months ($30 a day for a 7 to 8 hour day). Well, recently I ended up needing to get an apartment and needed an actual job. Only fast food was hiring and Wacdonalds was just the easiest thing,  especially when it's all the same in my experience. The company who owned the franchise had changed but the same bitch supervisor was there. The GM was on maternity leave.

The first couple months were a STRUGGLE. Short staffed, poorly organized, no AC, managers were quitting without notice, closers were just not showing up. I felt so bad for the assistant gm who was running the show because she worked about every day and every day she walked into bad news. She did her best but the other gms who were supposed to be helping her were making it very obvious how much they didn't want to help and how big an inconvenience every little thing was. Still, she wasn't bad and she did her best to do right by the employees and that was refreshing.

The GM came back from maternity leave at the beginning of the month. People told me some stories about how she was kind of heartless, like telling a crying teenager who had just been called a bitch in drive thru to get over it. I wanted to give her a fair shake but tbh, I'm really done trying to outlast the horrible managers. I've been doing it for years and it's a part of the reason my stress was so bad. I came from a very abusive home and I've always been they'd put  protector, so it's ingrained in me, but I just don't want to anymore and decided if that GM was going to treat me poorly, I'd put my foot down.

I work nights so I've only had two interactions with her. The first was when I had tried to reduce my availability to not include closing. We just came off of weeks without any closers and I covered every single night. We also are now closing at 11 and I don't have a car but I do have a two mile walk, so I don't want to do that. I was pulled aside and told my pay would be cut for it and that was the policy. I know that, but having been told it again felt more like a threat and I had just finished helping everyone out of a tough spot, so it felt really insulting. Especially since it's the third time I've tried to do something for my own health and have had my pay threatened. Again, I was an MIT, I'm certified in food safety, and I've been expected to train people in the few months I came back but I'm being paid the same rate as a teenager who joined yesterday.

So I went to the GM and explained this. She kept interrupting me and assuming what I was saying then responding with the typical cookie cutter bs. "Well that's what the owners want." And "This is a policy decided on by blah blah blah." She clearly wasn't listening and she clearly was not going to go out of her way to help an employee. So I just shrugged my shoulders and concluded she was a dead end. This was confirmed when the assistant came to me about the conversation and told me that the GM walked about with not only a different idea about what I had said, but straight up lied about some of the contents. I told her I didn't think I could talk to the GM after that at all.

Recently a sign was out up asking for people to sign up if they wanted a promotion. I signed up as a trainer because it's something I already get asked to do, I'm one of the few people who still know proper procedures, and frankly I'm overqualified. I want the raise and I don't want to be used as a trainer without being paid to be one. 

Well, last night the assistant closed with us and we got into a conversation about the GM. She admitted to telling the GM what I said about not thinking I could talk to her and the GM allegedly said it was because I had just repeated the same thing. Now I get it, I ramble at times, but this was clearly not the case when the only thing she got out of the conversation wasn't what I had talked to her about. It's hard to stay on track when you're A) supposed to be working on table and B) keep getting interrupted by the person who is supposed to be listening. I said that felt like an excuse to not take what I said seriously. The assistant then told me that the GM didn't want to promote me to trainer because she thought I was "going crazy" and the assistant went to bat for me. The GM told her if I failed it was on the assistant... which again feels like an excuse to not take accountability. 

At the time I made a joke that I was going crazy clearly we had just had a half hour discussion on how to hide a body, but a few minutes later admitted how upset the comment made me. My mental health battle has been uphill. I try to be as open as possible with it because I don't want it to be this shameful secret. I got help I needed. I know if I don't talk about it when it comes up, I will feel ashamed because I'm not the person who fully appreciates help or can easily ask for it. I know a lot of people in my job NEED to have similar help but don't say anything. Sometimes I play it up, being a little unhinged but mostly in times of stress because jokes are how I cope. It's clearly a joke. When I'm not joking I'm serious and quiet. I do jokes and act like a dork because that's how I help people feel comfortable around me. I want people to laugh, even when I haven't felt all that happy in some time. When people take it for granted, mostly because they have spent five minutes to get to know me, then it hurts. I try really hard to not let me convince myself that I'm actually just irreparably broken and going crazy. 

I don't want to fail my assistant who is being convinced she's putting her neck out for me, but I also think it's a sign to go elsewhere. 

[rosiehunterwolf]

let me down gently

Prompts: Anger and Fight

Word Count: 6,465

Characters: Lloyd and Kai

Timeline: During episodes 96 (Into the Breach) and 97 (The Fall)

Trigger Warnings: Strained Parental Relationships, Suffocation, Major Character Death (kind of, u all know Cole didn't really die in this episode)

Summary: The thing about spending nearly every waking moment of the last several years of your life with a group of friends is that you really get to know them, inside and out, so much so that sometimes you know what they’re thinking before they do.

And, sometimes that means it’s easy to overlook what they’re actually trying to say.

(wooo! got my first bingo! what happens now lol)

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Tumblr work under the cut

The thing about spending nearly every waking moment of the last several years of your life with a group of friends is that you really get to know them, inside and out, so much so that sometimes you know what they’re thinking before they do.

Kai had learned that it was all about being observant. The littlest things could hint him off at what was going on in their minds.

For example, whenever Nya was frustrated with a piece of machinery she was repairing, Kai could tell by the sound of her hammer against the metal. It was more of a dull, clunking sound than the lighter, ringing tone that could usually be heard. Or when Zane was faced with a problem that he was struggling to solve, he would always walk with a slightly stiffer posture. How Jay’s leg would bounce slightly when he was impatient, or how Cole bit his lip when he was focused.

And now, as the ninja stood around Garmadon on the deck of the Bounty, Kai could tell from the look in Lloyd’s bright green eyes that his youngest brother was planning something- something that Kai wasn’t going to like.

“I’m done with your foolishness,” Garmadon growled at the ninja. “You do not have a choice. I will say it once more- I am the only one who can enter the Oni Cloud. Give me a weapon, and let me go, or the Darkness will consume us all.”

“It’s not going to happen,” Lloyd snapped back. “You’re not going anywhere- not without me.”

Kai balked at him. What?!

Lloyd began to walk up to Garmadon, until he was glaring him right in the face. “I’m your son, remember. I’m Oni, too.”

No. The blood was roaring in Kai’s ears, now. Lloyd had come up with plenty of dumb, impulsive plans in his life, but this was on another level entirely. If Lloyd thought Kai was letting him go into the Darkness alone with Garmadon, he was sorely mistaken.

“You are part Oni.” The man reached out, shoving Lloyd, and the green ninja stumbled backwards. Nya quickly caught him by the arm, steadying him, and the others lunged towards Garmadon. Kai barely managed to stop himself from punching the man in the face, dropping into a defensive stance instead when Lloyd pulled away from Nya, evidently unharmed.

“That means you might survive,” Garmadon told Lloyd, ignoring the others glaring at him.

“Well, I guess we’ll find out.”

Oh, you’ll find out all right, Kai fumed as he glared at the green ninja. You’ll find out that this is not happening, as soon as I knock some sense into you.

---

“Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon, have you lost your tiny mind?” Kai grabbed Lloyd’s arm, yanking him into an empty room below deck on the Bounty.

Lloyd stared at him. “Did you just call my mind tiny?”

“Yes, I did, and you deserve it, because you’re being the absolute worst idiot I have seen right now. And I’m friends with Jay, so that’s saying something.”

“Excuse me for trying to help,” Lloyd spat back. “I didn’t see anyone else coming up with a plan.”

“So the only thing you could come up with was chucking your own life into danger? Typical Lloyd move.”

His friend's eyes widened. “You’re one to talk! Do you really need me to go over every risky decision you’ve made? We’ll be here all day!”

“Half of those ‘risky decisions’ have just been trying to get you out of situations that your risky decisions got you into!”

Lloyd’s eyes darkened, and he turned away, beginning to rummage through the cabinets for a suitable weapon. “No one asked you to do that.”

Kai couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He marched forward, put a hand on Lloyd’s shoulder, and forced him around. “You expected me to just leave you. To die?”

“No!” The green ninja answered hastily, although he wouldn’t meet Kai’s eyes. “… I just could’ve taken care of it myself, that’s all.”

Kai snorted. “Right.”

Lloyd shoved his hand away. “I’m serious! I’m not a kid anymore, I don’t need you babysitting me.”

Kai felt like his heart had been impaled as he watched Lloyd turn away from him, back towards the shelves. He felt stinging in his eyes, and quickly pushed the hurt down, letting it give way to anger instead. How dare Lloyd speak to him that way. Kai had spent years caring for him, looking out for him. He had been the one to save him from the Fire Temple, from Morro, had been the one to carry him to Mystaké’s shop when he had foolishly run off to fight Garmadon alone and nearly died-

Sure, Kai had… he had failed him, sometimes. He knew he wasn’t always good enough to protect him, as hard as he tried. But in his defence, Lloyd wasn’t exactly making it easy for him! It was almost as if the boy wanted to die! He was getting an odd sense of déjà vu, and he didn’t like it one bit.

“Have you forgotten what happened the last time you left us to fight the villain by yourself? I’m still having nightmares about that night, Lloyd! You nearly died.”

“That was different.”

“Different how?”

“I know what I’m doing,” he insisted. “And I won’t be alone. My dad will be with me.”

Kai’s eyes narrowed. “Oh great, now I’m so reassured.”

Lloyd shot him a look so venomous that Kai nearly faltered. What was that about?

“Look, Lloyd, I’m just trying to watch out for you! Can’t you see that the Cloud is dangerous? Cole was only in it for a second, and we nearly lost him. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

Lloyd sighed. “I know. But someone’s gotta do it, and my father said that my Oni blood will protect me.”

“He also said your human blood would make you weaker. He never guaranteed you would survive, and, frankly, even if he did, I wouldn’t trust him.”

Lloyd’s gaze went hard again. “Of course you wouldn’t. You’ve never trusted him. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve had a vendetta against him, and that’s no different now.”

“Lloyd, don’t be ridiculous, you know that’s not true. He was our sensei at one point, remember? I accepted him then! It’s only the Devourer venom I don’t trust. He said it himself- he couldn’t be trusted with the venom flowing through his veins.”

“Yeah, well the venom’s gone now, isn’t it? And I don’t see you acting any different than those first days.”

“Lloyd, he’s different now, and you know it. He’s not Sensei Garmadon anymore.”

“So that automatically means we can’t trust him?”

“No! But I can list a hundred other reasons why we can’t!” Kai began counting off on his fingers, “He tried to kill you, he tried to kill us, he tried to kill Wu, he destroyed the Bounty, he destroyed the city, he imprisoned our friends, he created a giant stone Colossus to try and destroy us, he’s Oni-”

“I’m Oni, too,” Lloyd snapped. “Does that mean you don’t trust me?”

“Lloyd, stop being stupid-”

“Oh, so now I’m stupid!”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“So what did you mean?”

Kai sighed, rubbing his temples. “You’re only part Oni. Things are different.”

“But what if I wasn’t? What if I was full Oni? You wouldn’t trust me then?”

“I never said that.” “You literally just did.”

Kai glowered at him. “Look, it doesn’t matter- Lloyd, you’re my friend. I’ve known you for years, I know you’re trustworthy because you’ve never done anything to prove me otherwise.”

“If you trust me so much, then why aren’t you acting like it now?”

“I do trust you! I still do, and I always will. But I also know your judgement tends to get clouded when it comes to people you care about. And, I’m sorry Lloyd, but your father does not deserve to be on that list. Not anymore. Ever since he’s come back, he’s done nothing but prove to me that he doesn’t care about you. At all.”

Lloyd froze, a shadow falling over his face. Kai reached for his hand, but he jerked back, gritting his teeth.

“Oh, come on, Lloyd, I know you’re trusting, but this is ridiculous! Have you forgotten what he’s done to you?”

“You don’t get to talk,” Lloyd choked, his voice suddenly sounding wet. “You don’t know what it’s like. What I’ve been through.”

Kai stopped, blinking at him. “What?”

“You don’t know! You never had to watch your dad be an evil warlord for your whole life, never had people telling you that your entire destiny was to defeat him!”

Kai felt his anger dissipate. “Lloyd-”

But the green ninja wasn’t done. “You never had to fight the one person who came back for you when everyone else turned their backs on you, only to get him back as someone completely different than the person you remembered! You never had to suffer through those long weeks, those long months, struggling to reconnect with him after the rift that had been torn between the two of you. You never had to deal with only having your father back for a couple years before losing him again, just when you had finally been getting to know him again! You never had to suffer through that loss, thinking about him every day for the next few years, just starting to get over him when suddenly you found out he was coming back again! You never had to fight so hard to keep him from coming back, even though a small part of you really wanted to see him again. You don’t know what it was like to get a chance to reunite with him, only to have him nearly kill you, and then be forced to recruit him to help you. You don’t know what it’s like to have half of your brain remembering him as this horrible, sadistic monster that absolutely cannot be trusted, but the other half remembering him as a good man, as your true father, and feeling like there’s still some of that in there, and maybe you can have that back!”

By this point, Lloyd was crying, hard, and Kai felt like his heart was going to shatter. “Lloyd. I’m sorry bud. I’m so sorry. But you’re going to have to trust us. Your team. We’ve always been here for you, even when your dad wasn’t.”

“You still don’t get it!” Lloyd was borderline yelling by this point. “I can’t! I can’t forget everything he’s done- both the good and the bad! You can’t possibly understand how angry I am at him but how much I love him! He left me! He hurt me! But he is the only person who loved me from the very beginning- even you thought I was some washed-up street rat when we first met!”

The pressure building in Kai’s chest suddenly snapped, and he found himself yelling right back at Lloyd. “I don’t know what it’s like? Have you forgotten what my father did? I lived the majority of my life thinking that he had abandoned me! For a five-year-old kid, that was the scariest thing of my life- I didn’t know what to do, and everything was resting on me. It took me years to get over that, to get over them and to move on, and then- then I figured out they were alive and now everyone was saying that they were good and that this wasn’t their fault- that everything was okay now. But it wasn’t okay- they had left me, burdened me, and as much as I knew they hadn’t done it on purpose, I couldn’t forget all those years of pain. Even Nya thought I was being crazy, tried to stop me from lashing out at them. She didn’t understand. She was the younger sibling, she wasn’t burdened with my responsibility. If anyone could understand me, I would’ve thought it would be you.”

“It’s not the same!” Lloyd’s voice was shrill. “You still have years ahead of you- years to talk and reconnect. You think I didn’t go through the same thing with my father after he was cleansed from the venom? I thought we would have all the time in the world! But now we’re back at square one again, but worse- square zero- and this time he won’t even listen to me! He doesn’t remember me, he doesn’t remember himself, he doesn’t remember anything except hatred.”

“Then why are you so eager to listen to him again?”

“I can’t let him go again! Not like last time!”

“This isn’t like last time, Lloyd! Why won’t you listen to us? Since when did you start trusting Garmadon’s judgement over mine?” “The moment you stopped listening to me and tried to make everything about yourself!”

Kai stared at him in disbelief. Lloyd was seriously calling him selfish right now? He had just poured out all his insecurities about his parents, ones that he didn’t want to share but did anyway to try to help Lloyd see he wasn’t alone- and the brat had the nerve to call him selfish?

“I can’t believe you! I’ve done nothing- nothing- but try to help you and care for you since you joined our team. And you have the audacity to pin this on me. You know what? Go! Go with your father into that dumb Cloud! Since you obviously care about him so much more than you do me!”

“I will,” Lloyd shot back, already storming out of the room.

“Don’t come crying to me when you suffocate in there! At least you’ll be with your dear old pops!”

Lloyd turned around when he reached the doorway, their shouting match quieting as he responded in a low voice.

“Trust me, I’m not going to be crying to anyone.”

There was a loud bang as Lloyd slammed the door shut, and Kai was alone.

---

Zane walked quietly down the hallway of the ship, stopping in front of Nya as she slowly backed out of a room, pulling the door shut softly behind her.

“Any luck?”

She shook her head. “He won’t even talk to me, not to mention tell me what happened.”

“Kai isn’t budging either. He asked me how close we were to the city, and what Garmadon was up to, but refused to even mention Lloyd.”

“I’ve never seen Lloyd like this, Zane, he was… he was upset. Angry. I think they fell out, but… I don’t know why, or how…”

“It has to be about the Cloud. Kai was pretty upset when Lloyd announced his plan.”

“I’m upset too!” she snapped. “It’s a horrible plan! He’s going to get himself killed! But you know how Lloyd gets when he sets his mind on something. And Kai can get… snappy when he’s worried about someone important to him. I’m worried things have been taken too far this time, though.”

Nya buried her face in her hands, and Zane put a hand on her shoulder. “Nya, it’s going to be alright. It’s not like they haven’t fought before. They’ll make up quickly, like they always do.”

“Yeah, but it’s never been this bad before! Lloyd was really upset, Zane! He always talks to me, comes to me, when he’s having a hard time, especially if it’s with Kai, but…” her voice dropped to a whisper. “This time is different.”

“Have you forgotten everything they’ve been through?” Zane reminded her. “Their friendship has survived the green ninja prophecy, Chen’s staff, a possession, many near-death experiences, and realm-hopping. I think they can handle one argument.”

Nya didn’t look so reassured, so Zane looped his arm around her. “They’re going to be fine. They always are.”

Nya wiped a sleeve across her eyes, sniffing. “I know. I just worry about them.”

“It’s great, how much you look out for them, but there are some things that Kai and Lloyd must resolve on their own.”

Nya nodded, slowly stepping back from the door of the room where Lloyd was.

A faint beeping sounded from above them, and Zane quickly checked his internal GPS. “Now, we should head back above deck. It won’t be long before we reach Ninjago City, and the outskirts of the Oni Cloud.”

“The time is nearly upon us,” Nya whispered. “Soon, the fate of Ninjago will rest in our hands.” Her nose wrinkled. “Again.”

---

Kai stared over the deck of the Bounty, his jaw slack as he surveyed the landscape below. The entirety of Ninjago City was covered in a thick, black smog, only the tips of some of the taller skyscrapers emerging from it.

A sickly black tentacle reached up below them, curling up towards the fins on the rear of the Bounty, lapping gently against the wood. Nya put on a burst of speed, and the Bounty pulled from its grasp, leaving the tentacle to lurk hungrily, before it slowly receded back down into the Cloud.

A shiver slipped down his spine, and he gritted his teeth. He couldn’t believe the others had agreed to send Lloyd down there.

“This will allow us to see what’s happening inside the Cloud.”

Kai turned to see Zane slipping what looked to be a GoPro over Lloyd’s head. “We can watch the camera feed from the monitor screens of the Bounty.”

Lloyd was shifting from foot to foot, looking nervous. As he should be. How long will it take for him to finally realize how dangerous this is?

Lloyd wasn’t the only one looking frightened. From where she stood up by the steering wheel, Nya was watching Lloyd apprehensively, nibbling on her lip. Jay stood at Lloyd’s side, double and triple checking to make sure the armor pieces fastened to his gi were strong and secured. Cole was leaning back against the mast, arms crossed over his chest as he surveyed them all with dark eyes.

“What’s our plan for extraction?” Cole asked gruffly. “If we’re doing this, we need a clear plan before you leave. There’ll be no room for mistakes down there.”

“We’ll wait here with the Bounty while he’s down there,” Zane explained. “When he’s made it back, we’ll drop the anchor so he can climb the chain.”

“I installed a tracking device in the camera,” Nya added, “so if something goes wrong, we can come pick you up elsewhere.”

“Hopefully nothing will go wrong,” Lloyd muttered.

Nya shook her head. “I’ll say.”

“Did you guys check the parachute? Does it feel alright, do you want me to-”

“Jay.” Lloyd said firmly. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

Jay sighed, running a hand through his curly locks. “I’m just not sure about this, Lloyd.”

“Guys. I have to do this. I’m gonna get in, grab the Realm Crystal, get out. No problem.”

“No problem?” Kai growled. “Yeah, except for the freezing black tentacles, deathly fog, and swarms of Oni you’re forgetting about. Oh, and wait, your father.”

“Kai, can we not get into this now,” Lloyd grimaced.

“If we don’t get into it now, when will we get into it?” Kai pulled back from the railing, walking over to him. “Once you go, there’s no turning back.”

His eyes flashed. “I’m aware of the consequences. I’m doing it.”

Kai groaned. “You’re not even listening to me!”

“And you’re not listening to me. Do you have another plan?”

“I’m sure we could come up with something better than this.”

“Yeah? Well, you haven’t!” he snapped, loudly.

Kai said nothing, glaring at him.

“The people of Ninjago City are in danger. Many of them are already lost, and I only hope that we can save them. Someone has to help, sooner rather than later. And right now, me and my father are the only ones who can.”

“Well, maybe not you,” Jay squeaked, looking nervous to impede on their argument.

“Jay’s right, you’re taking a huge risk.”

“I’m a ninja!” Lloyd threw up his arms. “Risk is part of the job description.”

There was silence at that.

Really, what could they say? To deny it would be to put down every risk they had ever taken, every consequence they had ever faced.

But so many of them had ended in disaster- Zane’s death, Chen’s staff, Morro’s possession, Wu getting lost in time, and of course, Lloyd’s initial face-off with his resurrected father- and Kai was wondering when they would finally draw the line.

Sooner or later, their luck was going to run out. Sooner or later, they would get themselves into a mess they couldn’t get out of.

---

The ship slowed to a halt in front of Borg Tower. The tallest building in the city, it stretched far above the Cloud, but as Lloyd peered down, he saw that the bottom of it just seemed to disappear, getting swallowed by the blackness.

“This is the closest I can get,” Nya announced, descending the ladder as she hopped down to the deck with them. “You’re going to have to take it from here.”

Garmadon said nothing, stepping up to the edge of the rail to peer over the edge.

Pixal beckoned to him, and Lloyd walked over, standing patiently as she fiddled with his GoPro.

“Zane?” she called back to the nindroid, to where he had climbed back up towards the monitor. She waved at Lloyd’s camera, and Zane gave her a thumbs up.

“It’s working. For now. The reception might break up a little when he actually goes into the Darkness, but hopefully it will last us a while, at least.”

“And the GPS?”

“Signal is on point.”

“Voice feed? Can you hear me through the comms?”

“Loud and clear.”

“Good.” Pixal stepped back from him, nodding. She hesitated for a moment, her green eyes flashing. “Lloyd… just be careful, okay? Your life isn’t worth the Realm Crystal. We can always come up with another plan.”

Lloyd swallowed. Suddenly, this whole thing was beginning to feel a lot more real.

Apparently, he wasn’t the only one thinking this, because Kai walked over to him. Lloyd flinched, expecting him to yell again, but his voice was soft.

“Lloyd. If you… if you really trust your dad so much, you should let him go. Alone.”

Lloyd bit back a sigh. “I don’t trust him.”

Kai blinked. “You literally just told me earlier that you-”

“No, I said it was complicated.” Lloyd breathed out slowly, running his fingers through his hair before his voice came out too sharp. “I trust him enough to not get me killed, but not enough to bring the Realm Crystal back on his own.”

“Look, Lloyd, you don’t have to do this.”

Lloyd glared at him. “Yeah, I do. I’m going, end of discussion.”

“Please don’t go. Look, I’m sorry about what I said earlier, okay? I’ll make it up to you. Please don’t base this decision off of that.”

Kai’s eyes were looking suspiciously shiny now, and Lloyd bit his lip. He was still mad at Kai, but Lloyd hated fighting with him. Maybe he should-

No. Lloyd shut down that train of thought fiercely. He couldn’t do this again. He couldn’t let his emotions get the better of him.

Sure, this was Kai he was talking about- not Harumi, or his father. He knew Kai would never try to take advantage of him, but- he was also biased. Lloyd wanted to listen to his own judgement, for once. The best decisions were always made with a clear head, anyways.

He forced his voice to be hard as he spoke. “I made this decision plenty of time before that conversation.”

Ignoring the look on Kai’s face, he turned and walked towards the edge of the deck, pulling his sword out of the rack. It was about time he finished this.

---

Kai hurried over to her looking half in tears.

“So I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’ on talking him out of it?”

Kai gripped her shoulders, tight. “He won’t listen to me Nya, I think he’s still angry with me. I can’t change his mind. Nothing I say will change his mind. You need to talk to him, please. Maybe he’ll listen to you.” “I wouldn’t get your hopes up, Kai. He may not be upset with me, but you know how stubborn he gets when he sets his mind on something.”

“Can you at least try?”

Nya looked at him, and after a moment, let out a sigh. “Fine.”

Her footsteps were quiet as she walked over to the green ninja, who was sheathing his sword. He didn’t look at her, but he knew she was there, that Nya was certain of.

“I have no idea what he said to you, earlier… but he’s just worried about you, y’know.”

Lloyd snorted. “Sure has a funny way of showing it.”

“I’m serious, Lloyd. This is dangerous. Perhaps one of the biggest risks we’ve taken yet. What you said earlier was true- taking risks is part of the job- but that doesn’t mean we can’t be careful. Can’t worry.”

Lloyd sighed. “I know- and I’m not expecting you not to. But sometimes, certain things have to be done, and… you just have to endure the worry for the sake of others.” He eyed her. “Kind of like you’re doing now.”

Nya side-eyed him, and he smiled slightly. “I can tell. You’ve been pacing.”

She breathed out slowly. “You’re right. But that’s not an easy thing to do. Especially for those who love you and care about you very much.”

Lloyd looked down. “Just get it over with.”

“What?”

“He sent you over here to talk me out of it, didn’t he?”

“Technically, yes… but he’s not my team leader. I don’t have to listen to anything he says.”

Lloyd looked up, his brilliant green eyes meeting her much tamer, softer brown ones.

“Why aren’t you going to try to change my mind?”

“Because I know what a stubborn brat you are,” she teased, cuffing him over the head. He shook her off, scowling as he straightened his hair.

“Seriously, though. I wouldn’t be sending you in if I wasn’t certain you were strong enough to handle yourself.”

Relief flooded his expression. “So you get it! Why doesn’t Kai? Why doesn’t he just trust me?”

“He trusts you,” she said firmly, and Lloyd blinked at her, surprised. “He trusts you more than you will ever know.”

“Then why is he so upset about me doing this?”

“Just because you know someone is capable doesn’t mean that you’re not going to worry or fear the worst when they have to do something dangerous. Kai’s a big brother. It’s his job to be overprotective! He’s just trying to look out for you.”

“I’m not a kid anymore. Sometimes I need to look after myself.”

“Kai’s afraid of losing you, Lloyd. He knows you’re strong. He knows you’re capable. He trusts you completely. But bad things can happen to even the best people. He doesn’t want a world without you in it. None of us do.”

Lloyd was silent at that, toeing at the ground with his foot. “I’ll be careful,” he said after a long while.

“You better be.” She reached forward, squeezing his hand. “Just know that he comes from a place of love, okay?”

“Are we going to just stand here all day?” Garmadon snapped, stalking over to him. “Or should I just go without you?”

“No,” Lloyd insisted, wiping at his face with his sleeve. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Garmadon shot a pointed glance at his sword. Lloyd sighed.

“Cole, give him a sword.”

The black ninja grabbed a katana, eyeing the Dark Lord with thinly veiled suspicion. “Are you sure about that?”

Lloyd nodded.

Cole tossed the sword at Garmadon’s feet, and he picked it up, surveying it slowly. The ninja and Pixal watched him apprehensively.

Suddenly, Garmadon was lunging at Cole, and before Nya could react, Kai was screaming at him to look out as he charged Garmadon, the sharp screech of metal sounding as his sword clashed with Garmadon’s. The man pushed past them, running towards Lloyd and Nya, and Lloyd quickly charged up his powers, hands glowing as he held up his fists protectively.

Garmadon darted to the side, wisely avoiding his son’s powers, and Nya blocked him with her spear, pinning him down as she caught him off guard.

Zane’s arrow flew past, and Garmadon rolled out of the way, causing her to lose her grip on him as he shot to his feet again, sending her flying with a sharply delivered kick to the gut.

Nya staggered to her feet, panting, just as Pixal was flung past her. Hurrying over, she helped her friend to her feet, and the two fell into battle stances behind the rest of the crew, who were now watching Garmadon through slitted eyes.

“Try that again!” Cole dared. “Now that I’m ready!”

Garmadon glared at them, raising a fist. Suddenly, it burst into purple flames, and the ninja recoiled, gasping.

His powers are back? How? “That’s better,” Garmadon rasped, grinning. Then, with a running leap, he launched himself off the side of the ship.

There was silence for a moment, before Cole burst out, “Okay, what the heck was that?”

“Conflict fuels him!” Lloyd said, walking forward.

“He was powering up!” Zane agreed.

“He did that just to get his powers back?” Jay cried.

Cole grimaced, marching up to Lloyd. “I. Do. Not. Trust. Him!”

Nya felt her stomach flip. She was starting to regret giving Lloyd that pep talk, now. Sure, she believed in his ability to take care of himself, but… Garmadon had his powers back, now? Lloyd’s powers were nothing to be scoffed at, but… they paled in comparison to Garmadon's. Those powers were what had nearly gotten him killed the last time. What would happen if Garmadon needed to “power up” again? Would he turn on Lloyd? And this time, he wouldn’t have his team to help him.

Seeing the look in her youngest brother’s eyes, Nya suddenly felt the urge to hold him back, and she grabbed his shoulder tightly. “Lloyd. Are you sure you want to go through with this?”

Lloyd hesitated, gazing at his teammates, who looked back at him with fearful gazes. He bit his lip.

Please say no, please say no, please say-

“No.”

Nya blinked. Well, that was easier than expected-

“But I don’t really have a choice,” he added, and before Nya could react, he was ripping away from her, running across the deck of the Bounty-

And jumping off the side of the ship.

---

“Lloyd!” Nya screamed, and Kai was suddenly pushing his way past her, running to the edge of the ship to peer over the side.

Lloyd was plummeting, down, down, down, until the green of his gi vanished and the Darkness swallowed him up. Kai swore, curling his fingers into the handrail.

The others had joined him, Nya leaning over so desperately that Cole had to pull her back. Unease crackled in the air as they blinked at each other.

“The camera feed!” Zane cried suddenly. “Come on!”

The nindroid hurried towards the monitors, the rest of them not far behind. Kai held his breath as Zane’s fingers flew across the keyboard, until a hazy purple image appeared. Dark, lurking outlines blurred past, as if in motion, until they suddenly slowed, Lloyd’s feet swinging into view.

“He opened his parachute,” Zane breathed.

Jay squinted at the screen, leaning forward. “I can’t see anything… except for that weird, purplish smoke.”

“Wait,” Cole pointed at the shadows, which came into better view as the fog began to thin slightly. “There’s some sort of building there.” He recoiled as something dark slithered across it. “What is that?”

“They look like…” Nya narrowed her eyes. “Tentacles, or something.”

“Eugh! Those are the things that tried to grab me, earlier!” Cole cried.

Kai bit down on his lip, only just stopping himself before he could draw blood. “Be careful, Lloyd.”

After a moment, the ground drifted into view, and Lloyd stumbled to a halt as his feet reached it, releasing his parachute.

As he looked around, the camera turned with his head, and Kai felt himself shudder at the creepy, desolate landscape that had once been their city. It was cruel, how much something could change in only a day.

Lloyd coughed, clearing his throat, and Kai’s attention was drawn back to him, frowning.

“Lloyd? Are you okay?”

There was no response, except for another, heaving cough, and Kai felt his heart drop, turning to Zane. “Can’t he hear us?”

Zane’s eyes flashed, hitting a few things on the control panel. “He should be able to, unless the reception has been blocked already, which frankly, I doubt-”

Lloyd’s hands flew to his mouth as he wheezed, a horrible, strangled sound. He gasped for air, and suddenly he was falling to his knees, the camera flickering.

Kai felt like he was having a heart attack.

“He’s suffocating!” he cried, reaching out and grabbing Nya’s arm, shaking her. “He can’t breathe, I told you this was a horrible idea, we have to get him out of there!”

Nya’s voice trembled. “Hurry, drop the anchor, he needs to get out now!”

“He can’t even stand, how is he going to climb the chain?”

“If he can't, I'll go down and get him.”

“You can’t do that, Kai, you’ll be dead within seconds!”

“What other choice do we-”

“Guys!” Zane cried, breaking over the clamor. “He’s okay now. His breathing has stabilized.”

Kai turned to the screen, seeing that Lloyd had pushed himself to his feet and was walking over to Garmadon. His breathing had stopped the horrible rasping, but it was still too heavy.

Nya slumped against him, rubbing her hands over her face. “This kid’s going to be the end of me.”

“Why is he going away from us?” Kai snapped. “Tell him to get back on the ship!”

Zane blinked at him. “The whole point of the mission is to get the Realm Crystal, is it not?”

“Not at the cost of his life!” “Of course not.” Zane reached forward, squeezing his arm gently. “But he is fine now. Trust me, I will be the first to inform you if his breathing becomes irregular again.”

Kai pulled his hands over his face, screaming into them. “Wake me up when this horrible nightmare is over!”

---

“There’s more to life than surviving!”

Lloyd’s scream made even Garmadon flinch back as the green ninja raced off, vanishing below deck. Kai watched him anxiously, and he felt Nya slip her arm out of his grasp.

“I’m okay, Kai. Go.”

Giving her hand one last squeeze, he ran after Lloyd, shooting Garmadon a fierce glare as he passed.

When he finally found Lloyd, he was in their bedroom, curled up on his bed, crying softly.

Kai sat down next to him, the mattress sagging slightly lower beneath his weight. After a moment of silence, he reached out a hand and began to rub Lloyd’s back gently.

“You were right,” he gasped suddenly. “I should never have left. The plan didn’t even work. It’s my fault, I should’ve been there, I could’ve- I could’ve-”

“Lloyd, you couldn’t have done anything,” Kai insisted, giving up with subtlety and pulling Lloyd against his side. “No one could’ve.”

Lloyd didn’t seem to hear him. “Why did I trust my father, you were right, I never should’ve done that, I was being stupid as always, I thought we could- I thought maybe things would go back, but- no, you tried to warn me, and I was horrible to you-”

“Lloyd, Lloyd stop, breathe,” Kai begged, grabbing his hands and desperately trying to pull them off of his head, where he was digging in his nails. “Stop, please, I don’t care about any of that, I forgave you ages ago.”

Lloyd took a shuddery breath, loosening his hands enough for Kai to move them, and letting his head rest in Kai’s lap. “Ages ago? We just had the argument earlier today.”

“Yeah, well, I’m quick at forgiving.”

Lloyd huffed softly. “No, you’re not.”

“For you I am. That’s what family’s for, right?”

Kai immediately regretted his choice of words as Lloyd flinched. “I mean, true family. The one you chose, not the one you’re related to by blood.”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

Kai let his breath out slowly, leaning back on the hand that wasn’t wrapped around Lloyd, and paused as it hit against something hard.

Looking back, he saw it was a photo frame. Sucking in his breath, he picked it up.

The glass was cracked, but the picture behind it was perfectly clear. In it, Sensei Garmadon was standing in front of the Monastery, an arm slung around Lloyd. Although their former sensei was standing stiff, as usual, a rare smile was playing on his lips. And Lloyd- Lloyd’s grin was all teeth, his eyes practically sparkling as he gazed at his father. He looked so happy it made Kai’s heart hurt.

“Did you…”

Lloyd looked up as Kai trailed off, pulling himself into more of a sitting position, and his gaze found the photo. His eyes darkened, but he took it from Kai’s hands, anyway. He stared at it for a moment, his face unreadable as he traced his fingers along the cracks, then, suddenly, he was throwing the frame across the room, where it shattered against the floor loudly. A sob caught in his throat, and he wiped at his eyes.

Kai wrapped his arms around him in a hug, noticing as Lloyd flinched, hard, when he squeezed his arm. He made a mental note to make him go to the medbay later, but for now, he didn’t push it.

“Kai?”

“Hm?” “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.”

“Bud, there’s nothing to be sorry about. We both made mistakes. But it’s over now. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.”

“No,” Kai breathed out, running a hand through his hair as tears stung in his eyes. “You’re right. It’s not.”

Lloyd whimpered, curling closer. “He’s gone, Kai. How can anything ever be okay again?”

“I don’t know, bud. Maybe it won’t be. But you know what? We keep going. Wherever life takes us, we keep on going, and we don’t give up.”

“It’s hard to keep going.”

“Then we just hold on. As tight as we can.”

Lloyd sobbed into the side of his gi, and Kai buried his face in Lloyd’s hair as tears slipped down his cheeks. Never again, was he going to take this for granted. He had already made that mistake with Cole.

And for that, Kai made sure to grip on a little tighter.

[tyremarbles]

Post-Race McLaren Strategy Analysis

Foreword: Y’all know me, I try to make sure I know everything I can before I actually say anything, and this analysis took me nearly 5 hours last night. I didn’t go to bed until like 3am because I was so busy double-checking all my facts lmao. Special thanks to @imthebadguyyy & my dad for being my test readers :)))

During the Dutch Grand Prix Race Session this past Sunday, September 5th, 2021, McLaren made some strategy calls that presented as the team favoring Lando over Daniel. The opinion that came to light was that McLaren were making Daniel into the secondary driver, which is something he had come to the team in hopes of avoiding. This opinion, while it is a valid one to express, isn’t one that holds much water when you zoom out from the context of that set of radio transmissions.

McLaren is a midfield team. They aren’t focused on winning the championship; just on getting the highest place they can in order to get the most money. Their best chance of doing that is by ensuring they get the most points out of each race.

Despite the fact that Lando has been with McLaren for five years now, he isn’t their number one driver; McLaren doesn’t have one. They can’t if they want to maximize their opportunity for points. What they can do, though, is prioritize whoever is consistently delivering the better results on a week-by-week basis. Thus far, that driver just happens to be Lando. Which makes sense, considering that Daniel is just starting to really feel comfortable in the MCL35M.

Lando has felt more comfortable in the car over the course of the 2021 season. An obvious explanation for this is that Lando has been with the team since 2017, where he signed as a Junior Driver, and has had much longer to adapt his driving style to the car. This is Daniel’s first year with McLaren. His previous seasons have been spent, for the most part, in a RedBull-designed car. Even when he was at Renault, it was expressed that the cars handled very similarly to a RedBull. The MCL35M, as he has expressed, handles very differently than what he had grown accustomed to, and doesn’t particularly seem to fit his driving style. As the 2021 season has progressed, however, Daniel has shown he has made progress in adapting to the car.

Comparing qualifying results to race results, Daniel has consistently started further back on the grid. This puts him at a disadvantage from a points strategy perspective. The further back you are, the harder you have to work to gain places over the course of a race. I’m not saying he’s incapable of gaining those places back; he’s shown quite the opposite actually, most notably in Portugal and Austria this season with a 7-place jump from 16th to 9th and a 6-place jump from 13th to 7th, respectively. What I am saying is that if you’re not comfortable in the car, or you’re at a track where overtaking is nigh-impossible, or you’re already close enough to the points to get there on your own, team strategy may not fall in your favor.

But despite his difficulties adjusting to the car, Daniel is in no danger of dropping off and playing second fiddle to Lando like you all suggest. Daniel is a talented driver. If he wasn’t, would he really still be in the sport after a decade? Would McLaren have followed him for years, determined to add him to the team? His move to McLaren, while still in its adjustment period, is one that’s beneficial and positive for all parties involved. Lando may have talent and skill, as clearly shown by his F3 Championship title and frankly outstanding performance the past couple seasons (4 podiums, a front row start, most consecutive points finishes), but he’s still very young. This is only his third year in Formula 1, and he’s only older than me by three years. Compare that to Daniel, who’s been competing in Formula 1 for ten years now, was a driver for one of the two top teams for over half of his career (7 years, counting Toro Rosso), and placed 3rd in the WDC for said team twice in 2014 & 2016. Do you seriously think that McLaren gives him a multimillion dollar paycheck because they want him to play racetrack bodyguard for Lando?

Bringing in someone like Daniel, who has years of training, skill, and knowledge, and an invaluable perspective on not only racing, but on one of the title contenders, is a major asset to all aspects of the team. Sure, he may be new to McLaren, but he is a long way off being new to racing.

Was the strategy this weekend arguably a hot mess? Oh, absolutely. But it wasn’t a one-team phenomenon. Strategy overall this weekend has been all over the place, and I kinda see why. We haven’t raced at Zandvoort since 1985, when the track itself and the cars were much, much different. You can’t really go off of race strategy from the mid-80’s when the track did not include the bankings it currently has and when the car and tyre specifications have changed drastically. Everyone was basically flying in blind.

What the teams could rely on, was all the data they were getting from practice sessions (even if every single one was red-flagged at some point). And the data that McLaren was receiving likely suggested that Lando would be a stronger contender for points, based on comparative lap pace alone.

Over the course of 18 laps in FP1, Lando’s lap time was quicker than Daniel’s by 0.402s, or an average of 4/10ths.

Over the course of FP2, where Lando ran two more laps than Daniel, Lando’s lap time was quicker than Daniel’s by 0.669s, or nearly 7/10ths.

Over the course of 19 laps in FP3, Lando’s lap time was quicker than Daniel’s by 0.232s, or an average of 2/10ths.

During Qualifying, Daniel actually had the faster lap time, pulling an even 0.24s on Lando, and only just squeezed his way into Q3.

The gap between Lando (P13) and George (P11) was 0.074s. That is a tiny gap to cover, and had there not been a red flag to close out Q2, I feel like Lando could have easily cinched a Top 10 start.

During the race, did the strategy of McLaren look as if it was all being done in the favor of Lando? Yes, it kinda did. But when you look at things like race pace, tyre degradation, and what other teams are doing, it’s not necessarily difficult to see why. Over the course of the weekend, Lando consistently put out faster lap times and gained three places on his own during Lap 29, when the three cars in front of him all decided to pit at once. And yes, Daniel did pit first out of the two McLarens, but he was going to have to do so anyway. He started the race on the set of Softs he ran during Qualifying, and Lando started on Mediums. Mediums last longer than Softs. Later in the race, it looked as though Lando had the pace to push past the Alpine cars ahead of him & Daniel, so a call was made to basically switch the two of them around. From what I saw, this call is what made people the most upset. I, as a big fan of both drivers, was also upset at the time, as it felt strange to not just have Daniel try to gain places he was already closer to. But the longer I put thought and research into this analysis, the more I think I see what they were trying to do.

Had this moment of strategy been implemented a few laps earlier, and had it gone according to plan, Daniel could have held off Checo until Lando passed them both (making it a P9/P10), then followed Lando until he got around Esteban and then try and take his shot as Esteban as well (which could’ve given them a P8/P10 or P8/P9). At no point does this potential line of strategy truly favor either driver. Now, obviously I do not work for McLaren and have no true insight into their plans, but this is simply what made the most sense. Have the driver who’s already there hold off the car in between until the other driver can overtake/pass, and then have the first driver follow behind until there’s an opening to make the same move on the next car. Easy points, easy money!

But, mistakes were made. That call came much too late for it to truly work, and that’s just the risk they had to take. At the end of the day, it was not a call made to screw Daniel over, or to play favoritism to Lando. It was simply what could’ve been a good call made too late for good execution.

[I made some graphics to aid my own thought process and I’ve stuck them under the Read More for y’all to look at if you want!]

[oblxvion]

euphoric | eren jaeger (5)

-> pairing eren jaeger x f!reader

-> wc: 5.6k

-> warnings: use of alcohol, mentions of weed, swearing, angst, tiny bit of fluff at the end

you sat there in shock, with eren’s phone in your hands. you didn’t know how to feel, especially with the fact that you both had just had talked about your relationship together, and for him to receive this text, just proved to you that everything you knew about him in the past and what sasha had told you were true.

you didn’t know what to do but you sure as hell wanted to know what it was about. you quickly threw on your sweatpants and made your way to where eren was in the kitchen, quietly humming to himself as he was pouring your tea in a cup. he turned around to see you with your arms crossed, eyeing what he was doing.

“i got you mint tea, is that fine?” he handed you the cup, to which you accepted with a small smile. 

“yeah that’s fine,” you said as you took a small sip of the drink he had given you. you wanted to ask him about the text but you didn’t know how to start the conversation. maybe you shouldn’t even bother and just ghost him until he comes crawling back, if he does. but part of you wanted to confront him about the text. he had told you that you were the only girl that he was seeing, now you weren’t so sure. you had his phone in your pocket and you had to think of a way to give it to him without him being suspicious but also striking up a conversation about the text.

“i brought your phone, i don’t know if you wanted it,” you interrupted the silence by taking his phone out of your pocket and sliding it across the table. you tapped the screen of his phone before taking your hand back so he could see the text that was sent to him minutes before. 

eren looked down at his phone and felt his stomach drop. if you had brought him his phone, there was no doubt that you had seen the text as well. he didn’t even remember who’s number that was, much less the name of the person.

“so, who’s the chick?” you asked calmly but beginning to get agitated at the fact that eren had visibly tensed up when you had given him his phone. 

“y/n, i-” eren was at a loss of words, he didn’t know what to say. he had no idea who the number was on his phone but he didn’t know what to say to you. you both had a conversation about where your relationship was standing less than a couple hours ago and for him to receive this text, and for you to see it, made him feel horrible. 

“eren, honestly.” you sighed, putting your head in your hands before looking back up at him. “we literally just talked about what we were. who’s the girl?” you didn’t know what to feel. hurt? betrayal? you felt numb. was he playing you the whole time? 

“i don’t know.”

“what do you mean ‘you don’t know?’” you scoffed as you stood up from your chair. he was acting as if he had no idea what was going on. “after everything eren? really? you’re seeing other girls? you lied to me?” you could feel your voice wavering, all the emotions slowly crashing down.

“y/n, baby, that’s not what this is.” eren got up from his seat and made his way over to you, resting his hands on your forearms. you were trembling with anger and eren was not helping the situation right now. 

“don’t fucking ‘baby’ me, eren.” you pulled yourself out of his grasp, feeling the tears beginning to form in the corners of your eyes. “i don’t even know what to think. sasha told me about your past with historia, and frankly, i think she was trying to protect you as a friend for not mentioning the dozen other girls that you’ve fucked around with.”

he was well aware that he had a history with girls, he knew that he did have a reputation for talking girls up, making them fall for him, getting in their pants and then leaving. they always came back for seconds, but he never would really allow it, except for you and historia. things with you were different, you weren’t like other girls, he’d told you that before.

“i swear, y/n, i have no idea who that number is. i swore off other girls once i realized that i had a chance with you, i promise.” eren was practically begging you to believe him, but your gut feeling said otherwise.

“whatever, eren. i don’t have time for this.” you snapped back at him as you grabbed your keys from the counter top and made your way to the door, sliding your shoes on. you opened the door and looked back at him, leaning against the counter with his head in his hands. 

“reach out to me when you feel like being honest with me.” you slammed the door behind you as you made your way out of the building.

eren was left all alone in his complex, wondering what he had done wrong. sure, he should have maybe blocked the other numbers in his phone once he started becoming serious about you. you had been the only person that he could really be somewhat vulnerable with, he didn’t want to lose you.

“fuck.”

you had made your way back to your car, hands shaking as you turned on the ignition. there were tears running down your face as you drove. how could you have been so blind?

it had been almost a week since you and eren had gotten into that argument. in fact, you wouldn’t really consider it an argument, you had just discovered that there were girls in his phone. if there are other girls texting him, does that mean he’s texting them back? what if he’s cheating? we’re not like dating, but we’re exclusive, right?

you hadn’t really left your room, only for food, the bathroom, or school. sasha had noticed. the day you had come home from eren’s, you went straight to your room and slammed the door. she didn’t know if was appropriate to ask you or not because you were clearly upset. you hadn’t been eating as much as you usually did, and she was beginning to get worried.

it was around 5 in the evening and you were just starting a new season of your show when you heard a soft knock on your door, pausing before the episode started. 

“yeah?” 

“hey, y/n,” sasha said softly, before shutting the door and making her way over to the edge of your bed. you shut your computer and set it beside you as you shifted to make yourself more comfortable. “how’ve you been? i’ve noticed-”

“i’m fine, sash.” you whined at your response, you didn’t mean to sound like a complete bitch, especially to sasha. “fuck, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to sound like an ass.”

“don’t worry about it.” she brushed it off as she came and sat next to you on your bed. you wrapped your arms around her waist, you could feel that you were about to break down, and sasha could too. “now, do you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

you took a few deep breaths, you knew that if you talked about the situation with eren that you would break down. but you had cried in front of sasha before, she was your best friend.

“okay, basically, i was at eren’s, right? after we had the whole conversation about our relationship. oh, did i tell you that historia practically barged in on our date?” you had decided to start from the beginning, hopefully you’d be able to be calmed down when you got to the part about the text. 

“no way.” sasha’s jaw slacked in complete shock. “what’d she say?”

“she kinda just came up to us, acting all bestie with eren. he was annoyed about it, but then she brought up how he had talked about me a lot when they used to hang, which made me uncomfortable. so i ended up telling her off, but i felt bad afterwards because she seems like a nice person.” you sighed, burying your face into her side, trying to hide your embarrassment from being mean to historia.

“well, if she was bothering you, you had every right to tell her to leave. she’s sweet, but i’m not gonna lie, she can be a bit much sometimes.” her comment made you chuckle, sasha never failed to bring you out of a bad spot. “i don’t mean to pry but what happened with eren? you came home pretty pissed off earlier this week.”

“jesus, don’t even get me started.” sasha gave you a look that said ‘uh-oh’ before you continued on with your story. “we fucked when we got home from our date, and he went to go get me a drink when some bitch texted him.”

“you’re joking.”

“nope.” you enunciated the p as you sat up in your bed, back against the headboard. “when i confronted him about it, he kept saying that ‘it isn’t what it looks like’ and that he ‘swore off’ hooking up with girls when he realized that he had a chance with me. i didn’t believe him because my gut feeling was telling me that there was something up.” 

“wow. that’s fucked,” sasha was getting angry herself, especially after she had personally texted eren and told him not to fuck with you. “if i’m being honest, i’m not surprised. he’s done this to many other girls in the past.”

“yeah, i guess i kinda got swooped into it.” you laughed as you played with your hair. “but i still care about him, you know? he told me that he sees me differently than those other girls in the past. it’s just, i don’t really know how to feel.”

“have you talked to him?” he had been texting you the first two days after you had left, trying to see you and talk to you as an attempt to clear up what happened. you only gave him dry responses, saying that you were busy or you weren’t feeling well. he’d ask to come and comfort you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to see him, so you turned him down. after that, he’d stopped reaching out to you.

“i mean he texted me a bit at the beginning of the week but he’s stopped now after i told him repeatedly that i was busy.” you said quietly as you played with your fingers.

“he probably wanted to give you some space,” she reassured you as she made her way off the bed, opening the doors to your very messy closet. “but, let’s not mope! we need to get you out of the house.” sasha looked through your clothes, as if she was trying to look for something, but she had no luck. you always seemed to have all the sweatpants and baggier clothing whereas she spent a lot of her money on the flashy clothes. you didn’t mind though, the both of you shared your clothes like siblings.

“ugh, where are we going?” you sighed, not wanting to go out. but part of you thought it was a good idea, since you had practically been barricaded in your room the whole week. by the looks of it, it seemed that she was trying to get you to go to a party. you hadn’t been to one in a while considering everything, but this sounded fun. “is it a party?”

“you bet!” she flashed a smile before it faded away slowly, leaving you confused.

“sasha, what’s wrong?”

“nothing, it’s just that historia’s hosting it…” she said quietly before scratching the back of her head, looking back over to you. “she told me she texted you.”

“oh.” you didn’t really know what to say, how did she get your number? you guys shared some friends so that could be it. you reached over to your phone, not seeing any texts from unknown numbers but then you remembered that your phone filtered out unknown numbers. you clicked there and saw the text she had sent you.

(***)-***-****

hey y/n! it’s historia, i’m hosting a party later 

on friday at 8 if u wanna come! 

i feel like i started off on the wrong 

foot w/ u and i wanna fix that

hope u can come!

you reread the text, and thought about what she had said. she did piss you off in the beginning and you were a total bitch to her, so partially it was both of you to blame. her text was nice, and it made you rethink some of the things that you had thought about her before.

y/n

hi! im sorry i didn’t see this until now

but i’d love to!

dw ab what happened 

we can start fresh :)

you began to realize that you shouldn’t be mad at historia for what she did, but eren for how he treated her. you have known him for a while and you never really knew about what he did with girls or to them, but you knew that he did have a large body count.

“what’d she say?” sasha asked, taking you out of your trend of thought. 

“oh, she just invited me and said that we got off on the wrong foot and how she wanted to fix it. i told her not to worry about it and that i’d come.”

“ah, i’m glad!” she beamed, turning towards the door of your room. “let’s go look in my room for some cute clothes for tonight! you need to forget about eren and have some fun!” you gave her a weak smile before getting out of your bed and following her out the door to her room.

she opened the door to her closet, revealing more presenting clothes, noticing that some of them were yours but you didn’t say anything. she rummaged through, humming to herself quietly before pulling out a black slip dress with a slit on the side. 

“here, try this on!” she grinned, handing you the dress. you gave her a unsure look before slipping the dress off of the hanger. “put it on!”

you undressed yourself before sliding the dress over your body, it fit perfectly on you. you didn’t like the way that your bra straps were showing so you opted to go braless for the night. the dress made your curves pop out, all you needed now was a bit of jewelry and you were going to be set.

“sasha, this is perfect!” you gushed, pulling her into a hug. you felt really confident in this outfit.

“you look so hot, y/n. i swear, the guys will be all over you.”

“oh, stop it,” you gave her a playful smack before turning around and looking into the mirror. the dress was perfect, you felt hot.

she continued to look through her closet to find an outfit for her to wear, deciding to go with jeans and a cute backless top. she looked really good, you made sure to tell her that.

“so, what time should we leave?” you questioned, peering over at her as she threw her hair up in her infamous ponytail.

“well, she did say that it started around like 8, so let’s go around 8:30. being the first ones there would be weird.” sasha was always one to show up fashionably late, especially to a party. she thought it was awkward to be the first people at events, you agreed with her.

“ok, so i have time to shower and take a quick nap!” you beamed as you made your way to the door of her room.

“you and your naps, i swear.” she joked, before taking off her outfit and placing it on her bed. “i’m gonna shower and i’ll wake you up so you can shower after i’m done.”

“perfect!”

“y/n!” you woke up to the sound of the sasha opening your door, letting you know that it was around 7 and that it was your turn to shower, to which you nodded your head. you grabbed your bathrobe and exited your room.

you entered the bathroom and turned on the shower for the water to get hot before you took off your clothes that you had slept in. you stepped inside and felt the warm water hit your back, remembering the time that eren was in with you. you felt yourself smile, reminiscing about the feeling of being so close to him. you still cared about him, but the thought of him lying to you and talking to, maybe even seeing, other girls, just didn’t sit right with you. was he lying to you the whole time? and tonight, would he show? he said that he disliked historia and hadn’t spoken to her in a while since seeing her earlier that week. there’s no way he would be there. 

you made sure to shave your legs and your intimate parts, along with washing your hair. before you knew it, the water began to run cold, signaling you that your shower was done. you grabbed the towel that you had set on the toilet beside the shower, wrapping your body. you took a second towel and dried your hair a bit before moisturizing your form and reaching for your bathrobe. 

part of you hoped eren would be there, but the other didn’t even want to look at him. why were you so attached? why were things so confusing?

the door to the bathroom opened and sasha came in with her makeup bag in hand.

“the lighting here is better, hope you don’t mind!” she said as she placed her bag down next to the sink. she was in her outfit for tonight and her hair was half-up half-down.

“oh, no i don’t mind at all!” your voice wavered and she noticed it.

“what’s up?”

“nothing!” you denied before making your way over to the door. “it’s fine, i’ll come join you in a sec, ‘kay?”

“whatever you say,” she laughed as she shook her head before taking out her makeup.

the door to your room was still opened, like you had left it. you slipped the dress on and grabbed your makeup bag to meet sasha back in the bathroom. you didn’t know why you were so nervous, it was just a party, you had been to plenty before. so why were you feeling this way now?

you shook off the feeling and began to put on your makeup beside sasha, chatting away at how she was hoping that niccolo would be there. she really seemed to have interest in him, in a way you felt jealous. he was always treating her with respect, while eren did that to you. 

“i’m gonna play some music, y’know, to get us hyped up and stuff like that,” you announced as you played your favorite playlist. you partially wanted to play the music to keep your mind at ease and forget about eren to focus on the party. 

“oh my god, i love this song!” sasha squealed as she danced in the mirror, earning a laugh from you. this continued until sasha got a text from connie asking when the two of you were going to head over, offering to pick you up on the way. 

“i think that’d be smart,” you told her as you applied setting spray, “cuz then we won’t have to worry about driving.” she nodded her head and told him that it’d be great if he could lend a hand. 

“so,” she set her phone down, and looked at her complete makeup look in the mirror before turning over to you. “jean and connie should be here around 8, it’s 7:50 now.”

“that sounds good, i should be done any minute.” you had opted to leave your hair natural, just gently brushing it. they arrived a bit earlier than expected, so you and sasha went to the door, slipping on your shoes. both making sure that you had everything you needed for the night.

by the time you arrived with sasha and the two other boys, there was a large amount of people outside and inside the house. the house was massive, she must have some very wealthy parents who lived near the school. the sound of music and the smell of weed wafted through once you entered. you were greeted by people that you didn’t really remember, but you didn’t mind. people were eyeing your outfit, asking you to talk but you merely turned them down.

“someone’s popular! i’m gonna go get us some drinks, ‘kay?” sasha called over to you as she walked over towards the kitchen. 

“okay!” you yelled back over the music. it had been a while since the last time you partied but you missed the feeling. you made your way over to the living room and saw armin and annie chatting over in the corner. “hey guys!”

“hey y/n!” armin exclaimed, he seemed happy to see you. annie mumbled a quiet hey before taking another swig of her drink. “how’ve you been?”

“oh, y’know the usual,” you shrugged before sliding your phone in the light weight jacket you had brought with you. “i’ve been cooped up for so long so i decided to come out of my cave.”

“yeah of course, i get that. how did your exams go?” he asked, setting his drink down on the table beside him. 

“they were fine, i hopefully should be getting my grades back soon. thanks for your help by the way, i would’ve failed without you.”

“it’s no biggie, don’t worry about it.” he chuckled as he rubbed the back of his head. “hey, are you here with eren?” so he doesn’t know? wait, is he here?

“no, him and i are in a rough spot right now.” you sighed, looking around for sasha who had promised to bring you a drink but she was still nowhere to be seen. 

“what happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” annie spoke up, clearly intrigued by where the conversation was going. 

“just the fact that i was at his place and we had just fucked, and then some girl texted him.”

“oh, so he cheated?” she questioned.

“well no, i don’t know. i kinda was really upset so i didn’t leave him much time to explain himself.” you had left his place in such a rush that you barely gave him a chance to speak, partially because you didn’t want to hear what he had to say. the text was enough for you.

“fuck, i’m sorry y/n.” armin apologized before opening his mouth to speak again but you cut him off. 

“do you know where historia is? i want to thank her for inviting me.” the two of them were clearly uncomfortable but sasha came over just in time with your drink. 

“here y/n, i got your favorite! oh hey guys!” she beamed as she handed you your beverage.

“sasha! it’s good to see you!” they continued to chat as you looked around the room trying to figure out if eren was actually here. armin’s comment about you arriving with him did not go unnoticed by him. 

“eren’s here and he’s talking to historia but i couldn’t tell y/n that, considering everything.” armin whispered, leaning over to sasha. she was furious at eren, he was doing it to you now too? 

“y/n, let’s go take some shots!” she urged you, hoping that you hadn’t heard what armin had just said. much to her despair, you had heard and your heart dropped once again. you nodded your head, hoping that a few shots would help. 

before you knew it, you were more than a few shots deep. the alcohol giving you a buzz and it made you feel like you couldn’t give a fuck about what was going on around you. you felt free, dancing across the living room with sasha while the music blared throughout the room. you couldn’t help but feel a pair of eyes watching you.

“sasha, baby! i love you!” you slurred before grabbing the handle of vodka and taking a long sip. the feeling burned your throat as you reach for a glass of water to wash down the feeling.

“i love you more!” she dragged out her words and pulled you into a hug before a tall blonde came in between the both of you.

“wow, you guys are fucked.” he laughed before bringing his head down so you both could hear. “sasha, niccolo is asking where you are, he’s over by the kitchen taking with a few of his buddies.” 

“you go have fun, you will be my new dance partner!” you dragged him onto the dance floor as sasha gave you a cheeky smile. you and many other moved your bodies to the beat as he looked at you in awe, he didn’t know who you were but you interested him. 

“what’s your name?” he yelled over the music as he came behind you putting his hands on your waist. you were equally as drunk as he was.

“i’m y/n!” you responded as you brought your hands on top of his. you couldn’t deny it, he was insanely attractive.

“i’m reiner.”

you could feel yourself growing hot, it probably was the alcohol. you were way past your limit, and thank god you had eaten earlier because you probably would’ve been over at the toilet. his hands on your body felt different than eren’s, like he was trying to be careful with you, as if you were a doll. 

his name was called over the crowd and he apologized quickly before going over to where it was called from. “i’m gonna grab us some drinks, i’ll be back.”

“i’m gonna go find historia and thank her for inviting me!” you shot him a sloppy thumbs up as you turned around to go find the blonde girl. you weaved through the people, trying to find her. 

it seemed impossible with the amount of people, but when you turned the corner into one of the rooms near the living room, you saw her standing there and whispering with some dude. a tall guy with a loose man bun to be exact.

eren. 

it took everything in your drunken will-power to not go up to him and slap him.

“historia!” you sang as you swayed your way over to the two. 

“y/n! i’m so glad you could come!” she squealed as she brought you into a hug. “i’m so sorry about before i felt really bad about it afterwards.”

“no worries! thank you so much for inviting me!” you pulled out of the hug and gave her a smile. 

eren didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say to you. he just stood there as you talked to historia. more importantly, he had told you that he hadn’t talked to historia in a while and how he didn’t like her, you basically had caught him in a lie.

the way he was standing there, not saying anything, with historia, was driving you mad. 

“hey, eren, how are the girls? having fun?” you scowled as you stepped closer to him. you didn’t know what to say, your mind was clouded with alcohol. he was taken aback by your words, you really had no idea. his lack of response is what pushed you over the edge.

“you know what? fuck. you.” you seethed, bringing your hand up to his face with a hard slap before turning around on your heel.

“y/n, please, you’re drunk.” he reached out and grabbed your forearm. he needed to explain everything, he didn’t know what feelings you had endured this past week but he wanted to make it right.

“no, eren. let me go, please.” you felt the tears brim your eyes as you tried to turn away. he could hear the hurt in your voice, loosening his grip on your arm as you wiggled away and walked away through the crowd without turning back. “go be with her, for all i care. i’m leaving.”

what am i doing?

“y/n, that’s not - ” historia began as she reached out to you, before eren stopped her.

“let me go talk to her, she’s not in her right head right now.” he was worried, he didn’t want you to go do something stupid because of him. you meant so much to him, he had to clear things up with you. he left historia standing there and followed you through the crowd. he asked around if people had seen you, some saying they had no idea who you were and others just ignoring him. he needed to find you. the thought of some guy taking advantage of you while you were this drunk and emotionally unstable made his blood boil.

he searched all the open rooms in the house, only to find that you weren’t there. the only place he could think of where you would’ve gone would be outside. when he opened the front door, he saw you sitting down at the curb, it looked like you were waiting for some ride. he felt relieved, finding you here instead of inside. 

“hey,” he whispered quietly before sitting beside you, leaving some space between the two of you just incase.

“go away, eren.” your held your knees to your chest, seeing him would only make you break down.

i need to leave.

“can you at least let me explain?” your lack of response pushed him to continue. “the text, i have no idea who sent it, i’m not lying. whoever it was, i told them i wasn’t single anymore. and i haven’t been seeing other girls. back there, i was talking to historia trying to figure out how to work things out with you, you mean too much to me. nothing else, i promise.”

you still didn’t respond, you didn’t know how to feel. you weren’t necessarily ready to talk to him about this yet. eren could tell, but he didn’t need to hear your response yet. he just wanted to explain his side of the story so you’d hopefully understand. along with your relationship, your entire friendship was on the line. he didn’t want to fuck that up over some random girl who wanted to get fucked. 

“i just wanna go home, eren.” you whimpered, bringing your head to your knees to hide your face.

“okay, i can drive you.” he offered.

“didn’t you drink? i don’t want you driving if you drank too much. i can uber it’s fine.”

“nah, i barely had a beer. i was too anxious anyways. plus, i don’t want you getting in the car with some creep.” he gave you an apologetic smile before standing up and reaching his hand out of you to grab. you looked up at him and latched your hand onto his as he hoisted you up onto your feet. you stumbled into his chest as he held you there. he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way but the way you gripped onto his shirt with your fingers with your soft whimpers, made his heart ache.

“c’mon, let’s get you home.” he brought his lips down to your forehead, not sure if it was okay to do. his hand traveled up to your back holding you against him, his heartbeat steadying. 

the car ride home was silent, but it was comforting. you both were gonna have to talk about this tomorrow once you were sober. you could feel yourself slowly drift off to sleep in the passenger seat of eren’s car.

once eren had arrived, he noticed that you still hadn’t stirred in your sleep. it was quite cute seeing you all cuddled up and he didn’t want to disturb you. he opened the door quietly and gently maneuvered you into his arms, carrying you bridal style through your complex and up to your apartment

he noticed that sasha still hadn’t returned from the party. you were cuddled up against his chest, breathing ever so softly. he smiled to himself, he was glad to have gotten that off of his chest earlier. 

he brought you into your room and gently set you down on the bed. sleeping in a dress would’ve been uncomfortable so he undressed you slowly, making sure not to wake you. he grabbed one of the oversized t-shirts that was on your desk when you had forgotten to do your laundry and he slid it over your form. he made sure to take off your makeup with the makeup remover that he had found in the bathroom. 

before he left, he made sure to tuck you in bed and shut off the lights. eren wasn’t sure if he should leave incase if anything happened in your drunken state. he looked over at you from the door. you looked so small, all cozy in your covers. your lips parted as you breathed in and out slowly.

he knew that he messed up earlier and gave you the wrong idea, but he’d do everything he could to make it right. you meant too much to him to be just one of those girls.

“goodnight, y/n.”

© all content belongs to oblxvion 2021, do not repost or change.

[broadstbroskis]

the wedding date | morgan rielly

a/n: well first things first, i’m gonna give a shoutout to myself, because i started this fucking thing back in august and it’s finally completed (that’s right, it took me 7 months to write just under 5k, shhh, it finally came together). 

anyway, since i started this back in august, you can tell i’ve had this idea for a while. it’s morphed and changed a bit but the basic premise has stayed the same- you go home with morgan for a wedding and everyone thinks that you’re the girl he’s been dating for the last few years- so i hope you all enjoy! (also i’m sorry i suck at titles but like i’m not)

a special shoutout to these lovely people who have listened to me whine about this at any point over the last SEVEN MONTHS and some fellow mo lovers because you’re all amazing and i love you, @denis-scorianov, @brockadoodles, @danglesnipecelly, @laurenairay, @hockeyboysiguess

-----

When Morgan approaches you, with what you’ll later learn is only his first attempt to ask you something, you don’t even give him the chance, really. “Hey, what are you doing this summer?”

“Not you.” You quip back, grinning cheekily, ignoring the barks of laughter from Matthews and Marner beside him.

“Haha.” Morgan deadpans, but it’s busy that night at the bar, Saturday night after a Leafs win, and you’ve really got to get back to work now that you’ve finished serving them, so you’re already walking away from him.

The second time it happens is a Friday night, a few weeks later, when you’re out with some friends for the first time all semester. It’s late enough that you’re feeling just on the right side of tipsy, you’re drunk enough that you know you’re going to go home with the guy you shouldn’t, and you’re okay with both of those things. 

At least, tonight you are. Tomorrow morning will be a different story.

And then, Morgan stops you at the bar. “Hey.”

“Hey!” You grin back...and then it slowly fades as he just hems and haws. “What’s up?”

“I-” He blows out a frustrated groan.

Your eyebrows raise. You’ve known Morgan for years now, since his first season with Leafs had been right about when you started working at the bar for some extra cash after realizing just how expensive school was getting and grad school would be beyond that. You’re not sure you’ve ever seen him at such a loss for words. “Alright, well if you can’t think of it now, get back to me later, okay?”

“Wait-” He says, so you give him a minute or two, but there’s still nothing.

“Ok, I love you, but this is my one night out before my dissertation is due later this spring.” You tell him, reaching out for a hug. “You have my number and you know where to find me.”

“Ok.” Morgan smiles a little. “Have fun tonight.” And then you slink away from him, back in the direction of your friends, ready to let loose one last time before the craziness sets in.

The night that Morgan finally gets his question out is a quiet one in the middle of the week. He settles himself into the corner, doing his best to be discrete with a hat covering his face. By the time you and your coworker get everyone settled with drinks and you make your way over to him, he’s caught the attention of one older man, who immediately walks back to his girlfriend when you arrive at Morgan’s section of the bar.

“Well finally.” He’s free of all teammates, a rarity but not unheard of, especially this late in the season. “What’s a guy gotta do to get some service around here?”

“Oh sorry!” You tease. “Did I interrupt something here? Did you want me to call that guy back up so you guys could finish up?”

He flattens you with a look. “Don’t you dare.”

You giggle, leaning down against the bar in front of him. You know how much he loves the Toronto fanbase, but as playoffs approach, the fans are becoming more vocal and more forward with their thoughts. “You want another drink?”

He looks down at his glass, contemplates for a minute, and then nods, so you return quickly with a new beer for him and then smile as you watch him take a large gulp of it. “So what’s new?”

“Ehh loaded question.” He says cryptically. You give him a look. “But hey, you’re here on a Wednesday! You done with your...dissertation?” He trails off hesitantly, smiling at himself when you nod.

“Yup. I should know next week if I’m all clear.”

“And then?” He prompts.

“And then you can call me doctor, asshole.” You tease.

“I mean, Dr. Asshole isn’t what I would have gone with as my first choice, but if that’s what you want…”

“Morgan!” You laugh, ducking your head at the lame joke.

He’s grinning when you meet his eyes again, pleased as always that he could make someone laugh. “But seriously, that’s awesome! I’m excited for you.”

“Thanks.” You grin.

“What’s your next step then?”

“Umm I get to start researching infectious diseases for money.” You tell him excitedly, since you’d accepted a job with the University of Toronto’s medical research facilities. “But it doesn’t start until August.”

You’d expected Morgan to tease you about your excitement of infectious disease-something he and his teammates (among many other people you know) have done multiple times before-but instead, he perks up and says, “So you’d be free, on say, the weekend of July 8th?”

“Why?” You ask suspiciously. Experience has told you not to immediately say yes to this.

Morgan sighs. “Look. I need a date for a wedding back home that weekend.”

“And I’m the best you could come up with?”

“Best?” Morgan repeats. “You are funny, you’re pretty, you’re a doctor, all of which, frankly, puts you well out my league.”

“You’re not wrong.” You agree cheerfully, which puts the smile back on Morgan’s face, as you’d hoped. “But that doesn’t explain why you’d need a date to this wedding.”

The smile fades quickly and you wince. “I was supposed to go with Laura.”

You frown. “What happened to Laura?” Last you’d heard, the two of them were solid. Really solid. Headed for a wedding themselves, solid.

“She wasn’t who I thought she was.” He says flatly.

You wince. “I’m sorry, Mo.”

He shrugs. “It’s over and done with now.” You send him a reassuring smile. “So will you come?”

Well, there’s really no way you can say no now and not feel like an asshole. “Sure.”

The grin returns to his face. “Knew you’d come through for me.”

-----

Morgan rolls up to the airport in Vancouver to pick you up in a very fancy looking Jeep, a far cry from the sporty Porsche he drives in Toronto, and you call him out on it immediately. “I see how it is. You go home and you’re a fancy country boy, not a fancy city boy?”

He laughs. “Fuck off.”

“Gladly.” You tell him, grinning teasingly. “Drop me off at departures, will ya?”

His tone immediately turns serious. “Thank you. Seriously. Thanks for coming.”

Your smile remains on your face, still beaming over at him. “It was nothing, Mo.” It wasn’t, really, and you both know it. You’d quit your bar job a couple weeks early because of this, but you were happy to do this for him. He’d been down about Laura, down about being bounced from the playoffs again. This spring had been rough on him and you were more than happy to do your part to cheer up one of your closest friends.

Morgan hmms, in a way like he’s pretending to be casual about it, but he changes the subject as he switches lanes to pull onto the highway.

-----

Morgan has a whole itinerary for the next few days, prior to the wedding, but promises he’ll take you around to some of his favorite spots before you leave late next week. A quiet night tonight, dinner with his parents and brother tomorrow, and then the wedding stuff began the following day.

Much like his fancy Jeep, his fancy house in Vancouver is also nothing like the condo he owns in Toronto. You wouldn’t go so far as to say that his condo is...edgy, but it’s pretty modern? The house here in Vancouver is larger, sure, but reminds you a lot of the house you grew up in...or well, a larger and fancier version of it.

“Gonna give me a tour?” You turn to Morgan, who’s standing next to you almost awkwardly, as you look up at the beautiful house in front of you. Your bags are still in his hands, and you nudge his arm playfully, reaching for one, but he won’t let you grab it, smiling back at you as he starts to lead you in.

The inside is just as nice, and even though it’s clear that his mom and interior decorator have done a lot of work on it, there’s still a lot of Mo touches too. Each one makes you smile, the ones he points out in his tour and the ones that he doesn’t, until he finally leads you upstairs, dropping your things in one of the spare rooms. “Did I-“

“If the next words out of your mouth are say thank you, I’m walking out of this house.” You warn him.

“-ask what you want to do for dinner tonight?” Morgan finishes lamely and you laugh.

“That sushi place you always hype up?”

Morgan smiles. “Anything you want.” He says, and then, instead of the thank you that you know he wants to say, he pulls you in for a hug and squeezes tightly, before letting go. “Change and we’ll go?”

“Shower, change, and we’ll go.” You correct, dying to get the feel of airplane off you. “45 minutes.”

Morgan looks at you knowingly. “Sure, uh huh.” He says, nodding like he knows it’ll be much closer to an hour, an hour and fifteen, and you laugh, shoving at his shoulder before he makes you want to stretch it out to an hour and a half on purpose.

-----

Morgan’s parents might be the nicest people in the world, but they’re also a little...odd? Like, you’re not trying to be mean, because just like Morgan, they truly are the absolute sweetest, but, like, they just keep smiling at you with this knowing smile, like they know something that you don’t and it’s just...weird.

But they welcome you with open arms, when the two of you show up to dinner on your second night in town, hugging you just as tightly as they hug their own son, maybe even tighter than they hug the son who still lives in the same province as them. 

“We’re so excited to finally meet you!” Morgan’s mom gushes, once you get settled in their kitchen with a glass of wine, which at least explains the weirdness a little. “

“You guys too.” You admit. You’ve heard so much about them, his parents and brother, over the years of friendship with Morgan; it’s nice to finally put faces to names, to stories. “Thanks for having me tonight.” Next to you, Morgan nudges you, a grin on his face. You can practically hear him. Stop saying thank you, like you’ve been saying to him for the past day. 

“Oh stop!” She says, practically in time with his nudge. “Morgan tells us you’re a doctor now!” It’s said with pride, like you may as well be one of her own children who’s done something great.

“Yeah!” You smile, swirling the wine around a little, and then, because you don’t want there to be any confusion. “Not that kind of doctor; you should still call 911 if something happens.”

His dad laughs and his mom beams. “What kind of doctor then?” His dad asks, and you spend a while talking with his parents about epidemiology and your dissertation- his mom, it turns out, works in a similar field, and it isn’t long before the two of you are rolling your eyes about some research that just came out.

“What?” You ask Morgan, laughing, when your conversation breaks out, and she has to go check on dinner, at his dad’s request, before he burns it all entirely.

“I just forgot how excited you get about infectious diseases.”

“Can’t believe you’ve been out here this whole time knowing that your mom and I both exist and haven’t introduced us.” You announce. “The rudeness, the hearsay.”

“I don’t think that’s how that word’s used.” Morgan cackles.

“Oh, sorry, are you a doctor?”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with knowing how that word is used!” He protests, laughing.

You ignore him. “If you even think of keeping her from me when they come to Toronto…”

He wraps his arm around your shoulders and squeezes. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

-----

“Are you ready yet?” Morgan calls, and you take one last look in the mirror on the wall, smoothing the pleats in your dress. “We’re going to be late!”

“But it’s gonna be worth it!” You sing-song as you descend the stairs to meet him in the living room.

“Is it ev-” He cuts off abruptly, eyes wide and swallowing visibly as he cuts off. “Wow, okay then.”

“Worth it.” You wink at him, brushing past him to grab your purse. 

Morgan’s laughing as he picks up his keys, this soft and gentle thing that you can’t help but smile at. “Yeah, I should’ve known it would be.”

“You’ll know better for tomorrow!” You tease, and breeze past him to get in the car.

The ride to his cousin’s rehearsal dinner isn’t far, spent mostly laughing as you keep switching the station from anything Morgan changes it back to. By the time you arrive at the restaurant, you’re both giggling as you enter, flagged down almost immediately by Morgan’s mom.

“Look at you two!” She gushes.

“Mom.” Morgan says dryly. “Come on.”

She smiles at him indulgently. “Make sure you say hi to your cousin.” 

“Yeah, of course.” Morgan nods, grabbing your hand to pull you away. “Just after we hit the bar.” He mutters and you giggle.

His cousin, the bride, and her husband-to-be seem to have the same idea, and it’s just as you’re turning away, wine glasses in hand, that you nearly run into them.

“Oh!” Ashley beams excitedly, once Morgan introduces you. “Hi!”

“Congratulations!” You return the excitement. She’s so bubbly and bright; it’s easy to do, even though you don’t know her. “You guys look so great tonight; you’re going blow us all away tomorrow.”

“She’s going to blow me away tomorrow.” Dylan jokes, but you can tell by the twinkle in his eye that he’s entirely serious.

“Oh stop.” Ashley knocks his arm. “And you too,” She gestures at you. “You look amazing! How’d you do your hair like that?”

“This?” She nods and you walk her through it quickly; it’s a look that’s so much more simple than it looks and she’s gasping by the time you’re done. 

“Ok, mhmm.” She nods. “I’m getting your number from Morgan later so you can go over that with me again because I’m definitely going to forget.”

Morgan flicks a piece of your hair. “It’s a hairstyle, what could you possibly forget?”

You and Ashley exchange a look. “I got you.” You reassure her as you both laugh at him.

“Men, honestly.” She shakes her head, as Morgan and Dylan protest, but then before you and Ashley can talk any more, she and Dylan are being called away, and there’s promises for you all to catch up tomorrow at the wedding.

“You can’t have her phone number unless you promise not to talk about me.” Morgan says.

“Fat chance.” You tell him. “But nice try.”

From there, you start making your way back to his parents, stopping off to chat quickly with relatives he recognizes (and once, ducking purposefully into a small crowd to avoid an aunt he doesn’t want to see). You feel like it shouldn’t be surprising how nice his family is, given how genuine Morgan is, but each person you meet welcomes you so warmly, with kind words and open arms. 

“You must talk about me a lot.” You tease, as you two start making your way to your table.

Morgan shrugs. “More than I’d realized apparently.” You cackle and he laughs; it’s familiar and easy, but then you’re easily distracted by the appetizers coming to the table and fighting Morgan for extra of your favorites-also familiar and easy.

-----

It’s another morning of Morgan waiting impatiently for you, being rewarded with his gaping jaw dropped, and teasing him the entire ride to the wedding, before he easily gets his revenge when you tear up at the ceremony.

“You don’t even know these people!” He nudges you forward toward his cousin in the reception line right after the ceremony. “And you’re going to cry like that?”

“It was a beautiful ceremony!” You defend. You’d been right yesterday; Ashley had easily blown everyone away from the moment she’d entered the room. Their vows were incredible; you didn’t understand how anyone wasn’t crying.

Morgan snickers, nudging you forward again. “God, what do you do at weddings you actually know the people at?” He pauses as you both step closer another, like the idea has just come to him. “Oh man, what are going to do at your own wedding?”

“Bawl my eyes out, obviously.” You say dryly. “Tell my future husband to bring tissues.” You move up, next in line for Ashley and Dylan. “You clearly didn’t get the message.”

“What’d you do?” Ashley pokes him; you guess whoever was in front of you was a guest she didn’t know all that well because they’ve moved along pretty quickly.

“Me? I’d never.” Morgan says innocently, ducking down to kiss her cheek.

“I’m just giving him a hard time.” You agree and she grins, shocking you when she pulls you in for a hug. 

“He probably deserves it.” She says cheerfully.

“Wow, I see family loyalty goes a long way here, huh.” Morgan deadpans.

Ashley gives him a look. “Not for much longer, I guess, though?” She nudges him.

“Oh I see how it is, you’ve been married for all of five minutes and suddenly Dylan’s family is better than ours?” Morgan teases.

Ashley blinks. “That is...not how I meant that at all.” She says, but before she can say anything else to you, the couple behind the two of you starts sighing impatiently, and you all realize how long you’ve been talking for. You quickly congratulate her and then move along to Dylan as well, before stepping out of line and moving towards the reception area.

The bridal party was quick to get the reception started after the ceremony, so when you and Morgan make your way over, there’s already a decent sized group chatting and drinking. You both grab drinks from the bar and make your way to a group of his cousins, chatting for a while and laughing along as they’re sure to include you in all of their jokes.

When it comes time to start making your way to your table for dinner, you excuse yourself to the bathroom quickly, running into Morgan’s grandmother when you’re there, who had the same idea as you it seems.

She lights up when she sees you fixing your hair in the mirror, stepping up to wash her hands. “It looks great.” She assures you and you smile, thanking her. “Are you having a good time?”

You nod, following her out so the two of you can make your way back to the reception. “Such a good time! Everyone’s been amazing and Ashley and Dylan are beautiful; it’s been a great weekend!”

“It’ll be great to be all be here again,” Morgan’s grandmother smiles at you and you return it politely. “Next summer.” She adds, like an afterthought, and you shrug. She’d know better than you what the upcoming engagements look like. You can barely remember the names of the people you’re seated with tonight.

“If Morgan brings me back then.” You throw her a finger gun and she laughs-loudly.

“Oh, you’re a trip!” She nudges you gently, laughing. “Such a doll. Let’s get another glass of wine together before we go back, shall we?”

“I will never say no to that.” You’re pretty sure you still have a couple minutes to spare before you need to sit down. 

His grandmother links arms with you. “My kinda gal.” She beams and her smile is contagious, just like Morgan’s is when he’s really happy, so it’s not hard to grin along with her as she tugs you along for another glass of rosé.

-----

The evening’s winding down- the wedding long over and the after party beginning to do so as well. Almost all of the older relatives have made their way home or to their hotel rooms but there’s a few sloppy cousins and friends still going hard (you’ve got some serious concerns how the one groomsman is even going to make it upstairs). Ashley and Dylan keep stealing glances at each other, like they’re wondering if it’s late enough for them to sneak away yet, but each time they look like they’re going to, someone calls for another toast.

Morgan nudges you. “Hey.” He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a couple cigars. “Outside with me?”

You think about it for a second. Usually, you love a good cigar-and you’re sure that Morgan’s managed to acquire a good one- but tonight? “Not really in the mood, but I’ll come out.”

He grins, a little crooked, and offers his hand to help you up from the couch the two of you have been sitting on. Outside, the weather is beautiful, one of those crystal clear nights with a light breeze where you feel like you could be outside for hours. He lights the cigar while you continue to sip at your wine, the two of you standing in comfortable silence, until the door opens again.

“Cigars without me?” His brother grumbles. “I see how it is now.”

“Yup, just left you behind on purpose.” Morgan says shamelessly, but he’s already pulling the spare out of his pocket and handing it over.

“Unsurprising.”

“Yeah?” Morgan asks, amusedly. “Why’s that?” 

His brother gives him a look, and then, when Morgan doesn’t react, looks over at you, but you just shrug. “Just promise you won’t forget about me once you pop the question.”

You choke on your drink; Morgan looks just as shocked, the cigar halfway to his mouth. “What?” He says finally.

For the first time, his brother looks unsure. “I think...we all just thought...once you brought her home, that was the only thing holding you back?”

“Oh my god.” Morgan says breathlessly.

“I’m not-” You add helplessly. “We’re not-”

“Oh.” His brother winces. “Wait, so you’re not…” He trails off and the silence between the three of you becomes so thick it’s almost palpable. You don’t know what to do, what to say. What he even means. “You’re not together?” He says finally, sounding like he’d rather be anywhere else, doing anything else.

You can relate. You shake your head slowly, notice Morgan’s doing the same out of the corner of your eye.

“Um.” His brother continues. “And-and you haven’t been-together?” Another head shake. “Wow. A lot of people are going to be very disappointed.”

“A lot of people?” Morgan repeats. “Who...who all thinks this?” But you don’t need an answer to know and apparently, he doesn’t either. The silence thickens somehow; you didn’t think it was possible. 

“Um.” His brother’s already backing away, even as he speaks. “I’m gonna go now. Before I say anything else to make this worse.”

He’s gone before you can tell him you’re not sure that’s possible, leaving you and Morgan in the loudest silence you’ve ever experienced. 

It’s abundantly clear Morgan feels it too, from the way he won’t even meet your eyes, will barely even look at you, actually. And there’s so much to say here, but well, “You never brought Laura to meet your family? Never let them meet her at home?” Apparently, they really weren’t as serious as you’d thought.

Morgan laughs hollowly, finally meeting your eyes. “That probably should have been a clue, huh?”

“A little bit of a red flag.” You agree. It’d been how many years? Morgan’s tight with his family, that much you knew before you’d come out here and only became clearer as you met them. “Why...why didn’t you ever introduce them?”

Morgan sighs. “I think-I always knew something wasn’t right. And I just didn’t want to admit it?” He sighs again. “I shouldn’t have brought you into this.”

“You didn’t know.” You tell him gently. “And I wanted to come.” You remind him. “I was happy to!” You pause for a second. “I was happy to come across the country to a wedding with you and your family with barely a second thought. So maybe we both need to re-examine what happened here this weekend.”

“Maybe we don’t.” Morgan says simply.

“What?” You frown, confused.

“You were happy to fly across the country for a wedding with me and my family.” Morgan repeats, with a small smile on his face. “And then you come here and meet my entire family, and they think I’m ready to propose to you, because you're the girl they hear me talk about all the time.” Your jaw drops-is he saying...what you think he’s saying-and his smile grows into a grin. “I think this thing between us has been more than either of us have been able to admit because we’ve had other things going on- school or hockey or-”

“Other girlfriends?” You supply teasingly, when he trails off, like he’s afraid to mention her name.

He nods. “There’ve been other boyfriends, too.” He nudges you, just as teasing.

“There have.” You admit, because it’s not a lie, but none of them have ever worked out, for a variety of reasons, but you can’t help but think, that now that he’s mentioning it, Morgan might have been a part of those other reasons.

He’s back to smiling again when he continues, leaning against you slightly. “I think we owe it to ourselves to see what we could be.”

You lean back against him. “You do, do you?”

“I do.” He nods.

“Little early for that, don’t you think?” It takes a second for your joke to land, but once it does, he cracks up and it brings a smile to your face. 

“We are at a wedding.” He grins, nudging you playfully. “Who knows, maybe someday it’ll be ours?”

-----

a bit in the future

It’s one of those beautiful sunny days where the sun is shining with a light breeze where you feel like you could be outside for hours. 

Unfortunately, you’ve got a huge project due at the end of the week, so while Morgan’s been enjoying the lake all day, you’ve been sitting at a table on the dock, staring at your laptop, tapping away at your keyboard, and ignoring his increasingly annoying calls for attention.

It’s harder to ignore when he comes up next to you, wrapping his wet arms around your shoulders. “Morgan.” You try to shake him off. “Come on, gimme like ten minutes and then I’ll come in.”

“Promise?” He asks.

“Yes.” You say because if you can get this one last thing done you’ll be ahead of your goal for the day.

It works; Morgan sits down next to you quietly, scrolling through his phone for a bit, and then, jumps up and runs inside the cabin, and you jump on the opportunity of quiet to get ahead even further, losing yourself in your next bit of project.

“Hey,” Morgan says casually, and it scares you a bit, his return far quieter than he’s been all day. “What are you doing the weekend of July 8th?”

“I don’t know, that’s like a year away!.” You snap, turning to tell him to stop annoying you, only for your jaw to drop when you see him down on one knee.

“Want to get married then?” He says, a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face, like he’s been waiting for this reaction, like it was everything and more.

“Oh my god! Are you serious?” He slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out a ring; you gasp. “Morgan!”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, oh my god, yes!” Your computer long forgotten in the face of an engagement ring, you throw yourself at Morgan, who catches you easily, like he was prepared for this. He probably was. He knows you better than anyone; he’s your best friend and so much more. He barely manages to slip the ring on your finger before you’re kissing him. “I love you!”

“I love you, too.” He grins. “Are you sure you’re ready to take this jump with me?”

“Of course!” You beam, but it hits you just a minute too late. He’s already jumping in the water. “You’re the worst.” You sputter out at him, purposefully spitting lake water at his face. 

He doesn’t even look like he minds. “For better or worse.” He grins.

“That’s not what that’s referring to!” You splash him and he splashes back but before it can devolve into a full on splash attack, he’s pulling you into his arms.

“I mean it though.” He says, kissing you again. “And I’ll tell you again, next summer, at our wedding.”

Our wedding. The words sound almost unreal, too good to be true. “I’ll be the one in white.” You promise. “Or, well, maybe ivory.” You say and it’s hard to kiss Morgan then when he’s laughing so hard.

[barzzal]

when the ball drops

summary: out of all the times you wanted to bail, for once you were certainly glad you didn’t ditch this year’s new year’s eve party.

↳ pairing: mathew barzal x you

↳ warnings: language, parties, drinking, flirty banters + a smitten mat (set in a pandemic free au)

↳ genre: fluff, meeting a total stranger, early 2000’s romantic/comedy typa thing (what i think at least)

↳ length: imagine; 5.9k

↳ masterlist: the barn

note: this is an entry for @hockeynetwork’s winter fic exchange and i was matched as @bqstqnbruin’s secret santa! i genuinely hope you get to enjoy this, boo!! i wanna thank a few mutuals, @tkachukme @calgarycanuck @pizzarandomness (esp @thirteenisles !!) for helping me out so i could get thru with writing this imagine! you guys are so nice i truly appreciate all of you. happy holidays & happy new year, everyone! 💕 (gif used: mine)

Every year you swear to yourself that you would spend the New Year’s at home, eating a peaceful dinner by yourself and maybe enjoy a good bottle of wine whilst you spend the whole night watching The Holiday. But just like all the other years you have spent alone since you’ve moved to New York, you end up breaking that same promise, pretty much with the help of your two best friends Emma and Katie.

Now, instead of being curled up in your living room, wearing your favourite knitted sweater and away from all the New Year chaos happening all at once in the very best place to celebrate such a festive occasion, here you are, getting your second glass of vodka tonic as you wait for the goddamn ball to drop.

The local bar has always been crowded especially during this time of the year. You and your friends already made it an annual thing which is probably the reason why despite the yearning you have for the idea of spending it all alone, you couldn’t find enough courage to ditch them and disappear even just for one night. 

“Where are the girls?” Gavin, the owner of the bar whom you’ve already befriended due to the amount of times you and the girls spent helping him close up was busily wiping the counter when you sat in your usual seat.

You casually motioned your hand to where you left Emma and Katie, dancing with men they’d most certainly end up kissing once the clock strikes twelve. 

“Alone again? You’ve got to blow off some steam, y/n.” He greets you with a concerned look exuding from his virile exterior. You idly shake your head, giving him a tight smile to reassure him that you were doing okay. 

“It’s not that big a deal.” is the usual thing you say to people when your being ‘alone’ on the holidays becomes in question. “Besides, I’m a big girl, Gavs.” You proudly announce, leaning against the bar with your palm resting underneath your chin. 

“I know you’re a ‘big girl’.” He rolls his eyes before his gaze trails off to your friends and then landing onto a couple of young lads from across the room. “I’m just saying, loosen up. Meet people. It feels nice to have someone holding you close at night so don’t be too hard on yourself.” 

A snort bursts from you as soon as you hear the words leave Gavin’s mouth. Who would have known a guy as tough-looking as him would be too much of a softy underneath? 

“What?” He holds his guard as he continues making your drink. The liquid swirling around a few ice cubes and a shot of liquor. 

“Nothing, nothing. I just– I didn’t think you were one of those people.” You say, clearing your voice once you’ve finally gathered yourself. “You know, the sappy romantics.”

Gavin looks at you, giving you an ‘Oh, please.’ look. “No, ‘cause that’s where you’re wrong.” He protests. “I’ve always been this soft, “sappy romantic” kinda guy. You just choose to see me the way you see me; a typical macho man who hands you good drinks.” He pauses, finishing off with the last touches of your drink. “But you know what? That’s fine. ‘Cause that’s how I know you’re just like me.” He then slides the cold drink towards you. 

“What do you mean?” You were intrigued to be fair. You already had your head tilted to the side trying to piece something that could justify what he just said.

“That.” He looks at you, index finger circling before your eyes to make his argument even more compelling. “You act like a strong independent woman, which by the way you still are,– but you have to admit that you do want someone who’s gonna want to spend his New Year’s watching that dumb old movie of yours.” He says with a grin before he pours another customer a shot of tequila. 

You were sure you wanted to just shrug it off, but somehow, you can’t help but think of how his words hit you in the subtlest way. Each word bearing an insane amount of possibilities of him being right all along. 

But what’d he know anyway? It’s not like he knew you better than anyone else. Maybe it’s just his way with words. Or maybe he’s just that good. After all, that’s basically the reason why he’s running a goddamn bar, right?

𖥸

It wasn’t Mat’s first time spending New Year’s away from his family but if he only had a choice, he’d certainly take the next plane with no question. However, given how the team’s fight for the Cup is going stronger than the last season, he couldn’t bring himself to risk going away and missing out on his usual routines. So, for the past couple of weeks he’d let himself be stuck with Beauvillier throughout the holidays. 

Now, for the sake of festivities, the two decided it’d be best to come out to the city and have fun welcoming the New Year along with some good friends that were surprisingly available at the last minute. That being said, the local bar was already the third one they’ve gone to having started the drinking binge earlier than intended. 

“Happy New Fucking Year, Motherfuckers!” The loudest and perhaps, the drunkest man cheered at the center of the dance floor, holding up his drink carelessly as he danced to the mind numbing EDM coming off from the DJ’s booth. 

“Way to get wasted. Am I right?” Dan says as he stands to gather everyone and clink their beer mugs for the nth time. 

“Somebody’s definitely gonna miss the ball drop.” Tito snides, referring to the drunken man cheering tirelessly. Mat shakes his head and idly laughs. Their glasses meet halfway, causing some of the beer to spill over the table. The loud music and cheers echoed in Mathew’s ears, finding the whole scene a little too overwhelming despite how he liked to loosen up with bottomless drinks coming his way. 

Somehow, he was thankful that he needed a second to breathe which only meant having to take his eyes off of the same guys he hangs with on and off the ice. Because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have been able to see someone so beautiful yet seemingly out of place when his gaze landed onto that one girl sitting by the bar all by herself at what seems to be the loudest pub in the city. 

“God, she’s pretty.” The words unknowingly slip off his tongue, making him realize he’s announced his thoughts out for the group just enough to make their brows quirk at the now out-of-reach Mathew.

“What?” Anthony leans closer to him so as to give himself a view of what Mat had his eyes peeled for. 

“That girl by the bar, she’s— she’s really pretty.” Mathew says, completely sure that he has never said anything true in his life. Much to his surprise, the boys gathered around and turned their heads towards the girl sitting by the bar. 

“So? Go and talk to her, man.” Anthony casually proposes with a nudge, urging him to go after her. 

Mathew immediately lets out a foolish scoff and chooses to gulp a large amount of liquor from his mug. 

“Yeah, just go for it. What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Tyson chides, looking at the girl who has utterly made their night a little more interesting. That being said, being stuck with the three biggest blokes wasn’t that too interesting to begin with. 

“Oh, worst thing? She could hear me!” Mat runs a hand through his hair, incapable of taking his eyes off of her even just for a second. 

“You know if you don’t, I will.” Tyson puts his beer down and acts as if to make the move Mathew was too hesitant to do himself in order to boost his mate.

“Fuck off. Fine. Hold my beer.” Mat rolls his eyes and shoves Tyson his mug before gathering himself by straightening creases off his suit along with a few sharp breaths to ease out the nervousness he’d been feeling.

You watch the teeny tiny leaf of mint swirl around the whirl of liquor you’ve successfully made, ignoring all the background noise, still evidently fixated on the words Gavin has left you with earlier. Has it really been that long since you allowed yourself to be fully vulnerable around someone? 

A sad smile escapes your lips, one that made the man that was now towering all over you wonder what could have possibly caused such melancholy on the most beautiful girl he has seen all throughout the city. That’s a rather heavy way to put it but that doesn't mean he was lying. He did find you really pretty. Maybe even a little too much and too out of his league.

A tap on your shoulder pulls you from your thoughts.

“Hi.” He says, gray eyes illuminated by the strobe lights hitting your direction. You give him a tight smile, acknowledging his presence and frankly even the boldness he had to strike up a conversation. 

“I just wanted to ask if what you’re drinking is any good.” Mat subconsciously reprimands himself for coming up with what is yet to be the lamest thing he’s ever told a girl. 

Great. Now, you’re asking her if a vodka tonic is good? As if it could get any better? He thinks to himself. So, to compensate and reduce further damage, he plays it off by laughing quite sheepishly as he absent-mindedly massages his nape.

Noticing what the man was doing, you let out a shy laugh too, biting your lower lip as you find his foolish attempt of hitting on you quite adorable.

“Wow. You’re really good at this.” You tease, now giving away a playful smile, poking at his middle school pick up line. 

Mathew chuckles. His doe eyes shy and alienated by the confidence he certainly knew he had not until a few seconds ago when he met yours. “I swear I’m better than this.” He tries again, this time earning himself a soft giggle from you.

Atta boy, Mat. 

“I’m Mat by the way. Mathew Barzal.” 

He reaches out his hand which you gladly took. It was calloused and rough around the edges whilst Mat found yours completely fitting in his. Your eyes meet halfway as you both shook each other’s hands. Fingers lingering quite longer than it should be.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.” 

“So, you’re telling me you haven’t had a tonic before?” You ask him, hands now all to yourselves. Mat leans against the bar, his elbow resting on the counter, unable to suppress the embarrassment now dawning on him upon remembering his little set back.

“I’m sort of a vodka tonic connoisseur.” He kids in an attempt to redeem himself. “Come on, it wasn’t that bad.” 

You look at him, shaking your head at how unbelievably gorgeous this man is. “Fine. It wasn’t. I’ll give you that.” 

“So,” He takes a deep breath before taking one of the empty seats beside you. “I– I can’t help but wonder, I mean– if it’s not too forward of me, how come you’re drinking alone on New Year’s?” 

You take a sip off of your drink and faintly shake your head, dismissing his query. “Hmm. Actually, no.” 

Mathew muttered an “oh.” at the thought of hearing what he thinks you’re about to say next. To his surprise, and frankly feeling as if a weight had been lifted off his chest, you motion towards your best girls, Emma and Katie who were now obviously way too fond of the guys they just met.

“See those girls?” 

Mathew nods, the answer to his question now becoming much clearer and put together. An answer that absolutely went along with his cards well. 

“Those are two of the most important persons in my life going at it at a New Year’s Eve Party.” 

“Would it be wrong to ask why aren’t you ‘going at it’ like how they’re doing it now?”

Is he always this formal? You think, lips curving to a grin. 

“What?” He asks when he sees the expression (he can’t quite put a finger on) on your face.

“Nah. I’m all good. I mean, not that I don’t want to. I just–” You pause. Unsure of whether telling him the truth would do your case any better. What’s there to lose anyway? He’s just some guy you’re bound to meet at the bar. It’s not like you didn’t anticipate a scenario like this from happening, right?

“Just take me as someone who isn’t really fond of big parties,” he then cuts you off and finishes your sentence, “But still go anyways.” 

“Exactly.” 

Gavin pops in for a bit, handing Mathew a bottle of beer he was certain of not ordering. He looks at him puzzled. A silent question that Gavin answered with a wink before getting back to tending to his alcohol induced customers. 

Apparently, it’s on the house.

“How come you’re here chatting with me when your friends are all the way there?” You motion towards a curly haired man and the other boys across the room. One was even smiling at you but you just opted on giving him a nod before turning your head back towards Mathew.

“Well, I didn’t like the idea of having you celebrate the New Year’s alone.” He honestly says. But since you were the kind of person who wasn’t the best at taking any type of compliment nor flirty exchanges like a normal person would, you roll your eyes and be the blunt person you were always known for. “Oh. I thought you saw a girl sitting alone at the bar and saw that as an opening.” 

To be fair, Mat wasn’t really intimidated by your remark. In fact, he actually liked how straight forward you were with him. You didn’t look at him the way he’s gotten used to whenever he comes up and introduces himself to other girls; something that only made him more interested in you. He can’t help but want to know what exactly is going on in your mind. Not the creepy kind, of course. Just the one where he’d rather spend the New Year’s getting to know a total stranger than getting insanely pissed with the same men he’s spent most of his days with.

“That too.” He admits, taking a sip off his beer without breaking his eyes off you. 

There was a sheer silence for a moment. The kind that Mat knew was much deafening than the booming sound of the usual dreadful New Year’s Eve Party. “So tell me,” Mat regains himself, catching your attention once again. “What would you rather be doing tonight? You know, if you hadn’t had to come out here.” 

He watches your lips quirk thinking about what it was that you actually wanted to do tonight. Then again, you only had one thing in mind. 

“I kinda wanted to spend it alone for the past three years.” 

“That long? How come?”

“Well, you know, for some peace and quiet. Maybe watch a movie or two.”

Like what he has been doing since the moment he’d gone to talk to you, he watches you run your fingers around the rim of your cold drink. Evidently immersed in your own thoughts from trying to piece out the real reason behind your grave wanting to spend the occasion alone. 

Turning the tables, you ask the same question back, “What about you? I mean, other than getting shit faced, what would you rather be doing?” 

Mathew takes a deep breath trying to suppress the longing he’s felt for the past few weeks. He just misses his family so much that he couldn’t help but wonder how they’re doing even if he’s constantly kept in touch with them hours before he’d gone out with the boys. 

“I’ll be with my folks. You know, all that usual family stuff.” He answers you shortly. 

You didn’t think much of what he’s told you so you just tell him the very thing that crossed your mind. “You know, it’s amazing how two people who didn’t even want to be here find each other just so they could bitch about not wanting to be here a little bit more.”

The two of you share a good laugh, utterly and undeniably enjoying each other’s company. It didn’t feel weird having to talk to a total stranger, let alone let them have bits and pieces of yourself that only enables them to put together an image of you that isn’t even as close to who you really are. Regardless of that notion, there was something about how Mathew connected with you, and how you connected with him. 

It was far from being the movie type of thing, but you have to admit, the remainder of the time you two have spent talking over a half empty bottle of beer and a glass of vodka tonic has definitely made the two of you feel this unexplainable wanting of having to learn more about each other. That being said, when all drinks were drunk till its last drop, Mathew couldn’t help himself from wanting to spend a bit more time with you. Maybe, even the whole night if you’d only let him. 

“D’you want to get out of here?” He shoots his shot as quickly as he could, afraid that losing even just a second would mean losing a night of spontaneity with you. 

You have long waited for a reason to miss the annual party. And if that meant having to wait three years just so you could stumble upon a tall and fairly handsome man that was going to save you from a dreadful evening, nothing would’ve felt as right as this if it weren’t for the push Mat had stored in his piercing eyes and mischievous grin. 

You didn’t have to give it much thought. After spending a whole hour exchanging little trivias of yourselves, Mat finally had it easy in making a riveting case. You sigh in defeat as you fish out a few cash from your purse and slide it into your tab. 

Excitement now exuding from Mathew, he bobs his brows up and down whilst he watches you roll your eyes once again for the hundredth time tonight. “I’m gonna hate you for this.” You tell him as you get off the bar stool.

Mat hurriedly signals Tito for his coat to which he was able to catch the moment he had tossed it towards his way. He then gets yours that was placed on the back of your seat before finally following you out towards the door.

“I highly doubt that.” 

𖥸

Mathew draped your coat over your shoulders, helping you to slip into it. You politely say your thanks and hold your purse close, your gloves gripping onto the leather as the two of you stroll the streets of New York, the winter breeze brushing on your cheeks with every stride you make. 

“So,” You begin, putting both of your hands inside your coat pockets. “Where are you taking me, Mat?” 

He tries to think for a second. The thought of not having a concrete plan for the night finally dawns on him. He clicks his tongue and breathes in the familiar scent of the city. Mathew looks around the block and spots the good old food truck he and the boys once tried when they were out for an away game with the Rangers. 

“How about New York’s finest burrito?” He points to where the truck was parked, clueless to how his sudden movement placed him inches closer to you. You didn’t notice it until you looked at him for his eyes were still pinned to where the truck was at. 

Mat’s eyes were pretty. That’s a known fact. But what you didn’t realize was how astonishing they are not until you got this close. You took in the sight sitting before you as fast as you could while he was still preoccupied like a five-year-old kid seeing an ice-cream truck pass by the neighborhood. Your eyes linger from his well structured brows, his unbelievably long lashes, down to the tip of his nose and his rosy cheeks before finally settling down to his cherry plump lips. All of which were more than enough to send butterflies in your stomach. 

“O-Okay.” You agree. Mathew takes you by the hand before you can even say a word. Thank the gods for letting you live in a city that seems to never stop the hustle to still have open food trucks good for a quick bite at this time of the night close into New Year’s.

“Hey, bud. Two sixes to go, please.” Mathew says politely once he knocks on the window. 

“You’ve got to try this, I swear.” He looks back at you with the same warm smile beaming on his face.

“Unless you want a proper meal? I mean, there’s a diner down the–” You immediately cut him off and take out your purse, offering to pay for it instead. “No! It’s fine, really. I’m a bit hungry myself.” 

After spending the whole time waiting for the wrapped snack, arguing on who would be paying, you let Mathew have this one for now even if you didn’t like others paying for what you can pay yourself.

You take a good look at your watch and see that you only have about an hour left till midnight. An idea pops in your head, making you gasp at the thought. Mathew looks at you with a half-eaten burrito in his hand, his brows all furrowed as if to ask a piece of your mind. 

“Come on, I know where we should go.” 

𖥸

Mathew never thought he’d found himself standing on a rooftop of a random building overlooking the Empire State during one of the coldest times in the city. The things that has only kept him sane was the girl who was still holding his hand, the city lights that have always left him in awe, and of course, the well heated rooftop.

There have been a few exchanges that are quite notable over the time you’ve spent with Mathew. He’s told you about the usual night outs he and the boys have for leisure, the family he had back in Coquitlam, how much he misses his mom and his sister, and how much love he has for hockey that he ended up doing the thing he loved most for a career. 

Him, on the one hand, pretty much learned the same stuff about you. Well, almost, for he has yet to ask you the one thing that has been bugging him off all night. 

You were telling him how this was your safe haven in the city and how much you loved going here every time you felt like needing to take a deep breath and step back from the world when he asked you a simple question. One that’s absolutely left you surprised (and a little bit impressed) that he still even remembered it at this point. 

“What’s the movie about? You know, the one you’ve been wanting to see tonight.” He asks, both of his hands inside his pockets to keep warm. 

The two of you sat on the bench facing thousands of lights illuminating the whole city. You look at him for a second, biting your lip as you contest with yourself, the thought of Mat being the kind of douché that would shit around women and their romantic comedy films comes rushing to you like a cold December breeze. 

“Alright, why do you want to know?” You pass the ball back to his court. To which Mat shortly answers with a level-headed sigh. “I kinda get the feeling it has something to do with the three-year thing.” 

“You’re nosy.” You kiddingly say, earning a chuckle from him. 

“You’ve spent the whole night walking with me and I can barely even feel my legs anymore, y/n. Trust me, between you and me, you know you’re the nosy one.” The two of you share a small laugh, your voices are the only sound that can be heard besides the sleepless city acting as a white noise to you and Mathew’s little bubble. 

“Fine. And you’re a fucking athlete, so don’t even start.” 

You playfully give him a nudge on the shoulder when he starts mimicking what you say. Mat stops immediately and looks at you with the same doe eyes glinting under the security lights that the rooftop had. He then patiently waits for you to gather your thoughts, breathing in all of New York as he lets himself drown in your presence. 

You didn’t know how but there was this unspeakable comfort you feel around Mat. Sure, he was just a total stranger you’ve met a few hours ago, but no one, not even the guy who dumped you after your five-date rule, was able to connect with you at the same level as Mathew did. 

“It’s not that I want to see it so bad. I’ve watched it for like– a reasonable amount before it became my comfort movie. Plus, it’s literally called The Holiday. Why wouldn’t you want to see it during the holiday?”

You tell him a bit more of how you’ve come into liking it, stalling him from the real reason why you wanted to celebrate the New Year’s alone. But you know, that even after all the circles you’re willing to go through just to keep Mat at bay, you’re bound to lose all your strings and resort to telling him in the end. You just hope you wouldn’t be making the same mistake you’ve made three years ago. 

You told Mathew about your on and off childhood sweetheart Claude who has always kept you high and dry throughout the years of being together. (That is if you were in fact together.) He was the constant reminder that you will never be the kind of person someone would want to stick around with.

You and him go a long way. You both ended up going to the same university because he just had to have you around and that he couldn’t afford not being with you even just for a second. He said that he couldn’t take the thought of having to see you only on the holidays so as the dumb kid you once were, your feet followed his everywhere he’d gone.

That cycle went on and on until you finally had the courage to leave everything behind and move to New York. Months as a new kid in the city, you were scared, of course. You spent your days hanging around your apartment, doing all sorts of crap you can even think of just so you wouldn’t have to leave your flat. Although, meeting Emma and Katie was the biggest push you needed to finally let yourself let loose. Long story short, at the first New Year’s Eve Party you’ve ever gone to after moving in the city, the person you least expected to see was the very first one to come out of Gavin's bar. Claude.

Just like what a normal person would do, the two of you sat down and caught up. Pretty much the same thing you’ve gone with Mathew. Although only a lot less chit chat and a lot more kissing.

Claude told you his real intentions. He said that he wanted to start something with you for real. Of course, you had let him but you have made the biggest mistake of telling him about your five-date rule.

Lo and behold, Claude did stick around for the fifth date. That being said, he had stayed only for the fifth date. You saw him sneaking out of your flat so early in the morning, leaving you nothing but a voicemail that said his foolish reasons and insincere apologies. Since then, after a lot of major hook ups here and there, you’ve never let yourself become as vulnerable and stupid as you once were with the biggest douche you’ve ever met.

“It’s crazy, I know. You can laugh about it.” You say when Mat hasn’t spoken for a few seconds. 

He takes a glance at you, a tight smile on his face. “I don’t think it’s crazy. That man is crazy. And also, a big prick. Classic dick move.” He tells you before he turns his eyes back to the city.

“Well, yeah. That’s me. That’s the holiday story.” 

“A crappy one, of course.” You add. 

Mat shakes his head no. He didn’t know why exactly but all he wanted to do at that moment, a few seconds before New Year’s, was to give you something,– even just a memory you could look back on. That that story isn’t going to be the one you’d be remembering for the next holidays. He wanted his to be something that’ll make your three-year-old crappy story long gone and forgotten. That his version would be the one that’s stuck.

“Definitely not this one.” 

As the clock strikes twelve, cheers erupted throughout New York along with fireworks shooting into the city’s midnight sky. The first thing you see upon looking back were the same kind eyes of the man whom you have randomly met at the party you dreaded most. Only this time, drowning you little by little as it becomes iridescent under the thousands of lights covering New York City.

You were frozen to your seat as Mat’s face inch closer to yours. You feel his breath against your cold skin as if it was lulling you to sleep. His hands find its way to your face, cupping both of your cheeks rather gently as he finally paints a new memory you’d be carrying for the rest of your holidays. 

“Happy New Year.” He greets you, almost like a faint whisper whilst the two of you gasp for breath. You blink a few times just to process what had just happened and digest how unbelievably good that kiss was. 

Mathew’s hands were still on your cheeks. You held them close so he’d know you weren’t ready to let go. You take a deep breath, gathering enough courage to ask him an unusual way of greeting someone a Happy New Year. 

“Will you walk me to my car?”

𖥸

You have both of your hands tucked inside your coat pockets as you walked the street leading to where you left your car. Mat was just telling you about the game happening next Thursday against the Bruins and how it would mean a lot to him if you’d come and see him play. 

“To be fair, the Bruins are good.” You commented, a playful smirk plastered on your face rather teasingly. 

Mathew lets out a snort as he rolls his eyes, chuckling at the thought of you dissing on his team the moment you had the chance. “Hey, both teams are good.” 

“It’s just the matter of who’s better.” You finish his sentence, yet again working your way with a clever remark. Mat hums, not necessarily agreeing with your sentiment. 

“So will you come?” He asks again just so he could hear you say yes. You take a deep breath, not letting yourself think too much of the said invitation. If you’re going, you’re going as a friend. Actually, you weren’t even sure if you could even call yourself such a label.

You nod your head yes to which had become the reason of Mathew’s glee. The two of you walked side by side in peace, basking in the comfort of each other’s presence. 

Once the rush of excitement about you coming to one of his games starts to wear down, Mathew begins to feel the weight of walking befall on him as it grows quicker with each step he takes. With his brows meeting halfway, he looks at you, eyes evident with confusion. 

“Where did you park your car exactly? I feel like we’re walking straight to Long Island.” He chortles, scratching his temple quite adorably.

You bit your lower lip as you looked up at him. Mathew’s physique towering over yours. “I uh– I took a cab to the party. My car’s actually parked outside my apartment.” You admit with a shy laugh.

Mat’s mouth went agape upon hearing you confess; awkward silence envelops the two of you with every second spent not talking to one another. Not long after, he decides to break the ice, undeniably impressed at how he’d never seen it coming.

Clever. He thinks, incapable of stopping his gut from swirling. His smile widens when he sees you looking at him; unfazed and perhaps, enamoured. 

𖥸

Mat did walk you to your car. The two of you exchange your thank you’s; utterly grateful for what has to be the best New Year’s you had in years. 

You wanted to ask him for one last cup of coffee because the last thing you wanted him to do was leave. But after all the things you’ve gone through with the man within such a short amount of time (and frankly, even a tedious walk) you still failed to muster enough courage to stop him from doing so. 

Once you see him get in the lone cab that miraculously passed by your neighborhood at such an ungodly hour, you close the door behind and head straight to your flat. 

You get home to the sight of your weighted blanket spread over your couch along with a couple of pillows that seems to be the best place to bury yourself in after a tiresome night out. Things were just as they were left hours ago; prepped for a much awaited movie night. As planned, you quickly get out of your winter clothes, head for a quick shower, before finally slipping into some comfortable nightwear.

You were just finishing up putting the bowl of popcorn and a bottle of Chardonnay on top of the coffee table when a buzz coming from the intercom catches your attention.

Once your hands were free, you quickly made your way towards the box, a bit irked at the thought of Katie and Emma ruining your long-overdue New Year agenda upon remembering how she’d told you to let her in the building just in case Katie gets a little too overboard. 

“Emma, I’m about to watch Jude Fucking Law. Just come up!” You hurriedly say, turning your head back to the screen which already had the movie on pause. 

However, instead of Katie’s whiny and drunken voice, what you heard was the same familiar chuckle that had been cruising your mind all night. 

“You know, I don’t think I mentioned that I haven’t watched The Holiday. Is Jude Fucking Law any good?” He asks. A mental image of how his eyes crinkle when he laughs comes to mind upon hearing his voice. 

Once again, pretty much like how you’ve spent the whole evening with Mathew, a wide smile lets loose as you press the black button. “Come on up.”

[emotions-ew]

A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus,  and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman. 

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile 

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces. 

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists. 

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world. 

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists. 

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

-        The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

-        Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

 Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of 

 Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer. 

 All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be. 

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

-        Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

-        Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

-        Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

-        Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

-        Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

 Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

-          Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

-          Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

  How do I Get There; Deana Carter

-          This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

[diaryofabeautyfiend]

In Session

This one is a doozy. Warnings: m/f sex, over stimulation, multiple orgasms, voyeurism, male masturbation, cum eating, use of mutant abilities in a sexual situation. 18+ please!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The three of you have been home for a couple of weeks now and, unfortunately for poor Bucky, the pixie dust has worn off. All Steve has to do is breathe near you and you go off. He has apologized and apologized but you refuse to let it go. Steve tries to be patient with you. He accepts that what he said gutted you. He is trying to make it up to you but you rebuke all of his attempts.

Quite frankly the whole thing gives Bucky anxiety. As soon as he hears “You know what, Steve?” He reaches for the antacids. In two weeks he was leaving for a semi long trip with Sam and Nat. He needed to set you on the path to healing before he left you two alone. That’s why he hijacked you both and brought you to his therapist.

Dr. Coleman is far more gentle than his VA therapist. She specializes in PTSD and has worked with many first responders and members of law enforcement. She also helps couples to reacclimate following traumatic experiences. Bucky thought that, with the amount of trauma the three of you had suffered, she would be perfect to help.

Neither of you were pleased to be there. The doctor spoke ok Bucky’s behalf at the start of the session. “Steve, Y/N. I’m so glad you’re here. This is an important first step on the path to healing. You are here for each other as much as you are here for yourselves. What we know is the three of you love each other very much. I would like you to keep that in the front of your minds as we go through this journey. I do have a few ground rules. First, we will not raise our voices or become physical here or at home. Second, we will not resort to name calling. Third, we will not shut down when confronted. We will speak on our feelings. Can I gain your agreement on those rules?” You all nodded. “Wonderful. I just need the two of you to sign some consent forms and we’ll be on our way.”

You hated therapists of any kind. You never had a good experience. Grant it, your only experiences were forty something years ago. You were sure there were advances. Still, you were wary of this woman. She does seem to help Bucky. If this is what he needed, you’d do it for him. When she asked Steve to speak first you nearly gagged.

“Steve, tell me why you think we’re all here today.”

He sighed loudly and spoke in a monotone voice like he was in trouble in the principal’s office. “We’re here because our bickering is upsetting Buck.”

“Ok. Can you tell me why you and Y/N have been bickering so much lately?”

“Because he’s impossible to live with.” You said not so under your breath. Steve was quick to react but Dr. Coleman stopped him.

“Y/N, you will have your turn to speak. Please give Steve the courtesy of having his time uninterrupted.” Steve smirked at you. You wanted to reach over and slap him in his smug face but Bucky rested his hand over yours.

“We’re bickering because I said a horrible thing to Y/N and she refuses to forgive me.”

“Right. And what did you say?” Fuck it was like pulling teeth.

“I told her in the heat of an argument that I didn’t want a whore for a wife. But I said I didn’t mean it and that I was sorry. She refuses to move on.”

Dr. Coleman listened to both of your sides and gave you some short term and long term goals. She asked you to open the door for better communication. She understood why you were so upset, especially since his admission was premeditated. She tasked Steve with finding a way to come to terms with what you do. Now that he knows why he feels the way he does, it is time to confront those feelings as his own and stop projecting them onto you. She also suggested that, while Bucky was gone, the two of you should do couple things. Your love was not linked exclusively through Bucky.

The three of you left feeling a little lighter. You made promises to each other and you intended to keep them. The couple of weeks leading up to Bucky’s trip were fine. There was something hanging in the air that made Bucky nervous. Like you two were just waiting for him to leave so you could unload on each other. Steve promised he wouldn’t make faces when you left for your appointments. You promised not to snap at him over every little thing. He didn’t believe either of you.

The night before he left, Steve fell asleep on the couch. You were already in bed half asleep yourself. It was rare when you had alone time. When they were in deep Avengers mode, you cherished your privacy. Maybe it was time to start thinking of getting a bigger place.

Bucky came out of the shower still warm and a little damp. He smelled like cedar and fresh rain. He dropped his towel and slipped under the covers. Compared to him your skin felt cool when you pressed your bare ass against him. “You’re so warm, daddy.”

“I needed that hot shower after the training session Steve and I had. I wore him out.”

“Mmmm. I bet you did. Did you fuck in the gym again?”

His laugh rumbled against your back. “Not this time. Should I go wake him?”

“No. We haven’t had a moment alone since he moved in. This is gonna sound disgusting but I kind of like it when you’re sweet with me.” You didn’t have to say anymore. He slid his hands under your arms to palm your breasts and pressed gentle kisses along your neck and spine. With his knee he parted your legs so he could stroke your warmth. You whined in his mouth when he ran your slick over your clit. He took his time pumping his fingers inside of you coaxing tiny whimpers and moans out of your body. “Fuck me, Jamie.”

You had never called him Jamie during sex until you told him you loved him. His name falling from your lips became his favorite sound. You invoked him like you were invoking God praying for peace. Your cunt fluttered and squeezed his cock bringing you both to your end. “I love you, Jamie.”

“Oh my…I love you too, baby. I’m gonna miss you so much.” He stayed inside of you keeping his spend deep inside of your channel and fell asleep. Sam would be there early.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Your calendar was pretty full the first week Bucky was gone. Most of your appointments were during the day. Steve was back and forth between the apartment and compound. You settled into a pleasant routine like a normal couple with typical careers and predictable schedules. You even got through a meeting when a realtor without a single clenched jaw.

“Do you have time for lunch?” He was so hopeful. You promised Bucky.

“Yeah. I think so.” He took your hand and held it all the way to a cute little spot down the street. “I like this neighborhood. Not far from the subway. Walkable.”

“I like it too. I’ve seen a ton of kids out and about.” That made you want to cringe but you held it in. None of you have had the cliche conversation about your futures. Since you were the only one who could bear children, you figured you should speak up.

“Do you want kids?” You kept your eyes on your salad.

“Yeah. I really do. Have you um, been checked out? Can you have children?” God this was awkward.

“I can. I wonder if Hydra has successfully bred a serum baby. Like, it altered our DNA. I wonder what would happen.” His brow furrowed. He really hadn’t thought about that.

“I will have to look into it. That’s something we need to know I guess. Why do we feel so weird around each other?”

“Right?!” You were so glad he felt it too.

“Are you ever going to forgive me?” He asked so quiet and quickly that you almost didn’t hear.

“Before I answer that question can I ask a question?” He nodded. “Why are you ok with me having your babies but not being your wife? I know in therapy you said it scared you and you didn’t care for my clients. I get all of that. Those are valid things. I can’t help but think you don’t like the optics.” That was the million dollar question. Could Captain America be out as polyamorous? You felt like Steve might be a closet Republican. Most of the republicans that were your clients were the biggest freaks.

“There’s nothing our media team can’t spin. I’m not embarrassed by you and Buck. My reasons for disliking your job are exactly what I said. I feel like being out about our relationship puts a target on your back.”

“But that’s not what you said, Steve. You said ‘I don’t want a whore for a wife’. That implies something completely different. I like what I do. Those rich assholes and politicians put money in my purse. A lot of my clients are like us. Freaks of nature. They can’t have normal relationships. I help them. I don’t judge their abilities or physical mutations. We just fuck and they feel normal for a while. Like the guy I’m seeing tonight. He just wants to feel normal.”

Steve was quiet for the rest of lunch. You gave him a lot to think about. He had no idea you saw yourself as a freak of nature or that you saw him that way. Everyone celebrated what Steve was but essentially threw you away. The people on your client list who he saw as villains have been tossed out by the society he swore to protect. He guessed he jumped the shark a bit by even bringing up marriage. Not like you were there yet.

You and Bucky seemed to have a don’t ask don’t tell policy regarding your situation. That was not Steve. He wouldn’t be satisfied until he knew without a doubt that you were safe. Tonight he will follow you. If he ever wanted to move passed his own feelings, he had to know.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tonight you were seeing Erik Lensherr which meant you had to be prepared for anything. He never beat you like other idiots did. He wasn’t stupid. Why hit you when it doesn’t hurt? He liked to really bring you to the brink of pain with pleasure. Sometimes he edged you for hours. He loved when you were a drooling sobbing mess begging for relief. That’s what turned him on. After sessions with him, you always took the following day off.

You and Steve had dinner together. You were both much more relaxed. He sat in the bathroom while you got ready. You picked a dress and made sure to have lots of mascara on. Mascara tears were Erik’s favorite. While you put on your jewelry, he stood behind you and kissed your shoulders. You missed his touch. You leaned in and let him put his hands on you.

“You look beautiful, honey.” he said against the back of your neck.

“Thank you. Why don’t you take the day off tomorrow? We can stay in bed all day.”

He smiled that beautiful sunshine smile at you that made your insides liquid. “Really? Does that mean you forgive me?”

You giggled, “No. It means I want to get reacquainted. Forgiveness is not so easy for me. Maybe if you ever put a ring on it, I’ll forgive you.”

“I’ll take it. Will you be out late?” He kissed his way down your neck.

“I’m not really sure. If I know I won’t be coming home I’ll text you. I wouldn’t wait up.” You allowed him to really kiss you. My lord Steve Rogers is an amazing kisser. He is confident and strong in his movements. He kisses with his whole body. Hands roam your back and and shoulders while he presses your body into his. His eyes barely close, making his lashes flutter on the tops of his cheeks. And he softly moans which drives you crazy. Well, at least Erik won’t have to warm you up.

“I love you. Be safe. Call me if absolutely anything is off. Promise.”

“Yes, sir. I love you, too.”

He gave you a thirty second head start before he followed you on his bike. You met Erik at a beautiful brownstone. He held the door for you and kissed both of your cheeks. Steve saw him pour you a drink and direct you to the sofa by the small of your back. You looked comfortable enough. It was clear the two of you were friends. Then, he sat next to you. His movements became predatory. He always kept his hands on you.

Soon he was taking your drink and leading you up the stairs. It was the moment of truth. He could walk away satisfied that you were safe or climb the fire escape to watch. The thought of seeing you in flagrante was turning him on way more than he should have been. Option B it was.

He climbed to the second story where he sat stock still in a darkened corner. The window was cracked a bit so he could hear everything.

The two of you kissed passionately. Erik’s hands found your zipper and made quick work of shedding your dress. He pushed you to the bed which was decorated by an ornate metal head and footboard. He raised his hand and part of the bed broke off bending around your wrists to bind you.

“Too tight, Princess?”

“No, sir.” Next he attached a spreader bar to your ankles springing your legs open wide. “Color?”

“Green.” Your voice was steady but your breath was heaving in your chest. Steve wondered if it was nerves or excitement.

Erik knelt beside you and stroked your face. “How many times shall I make my Princess cum tonight hmm? Shall we try for six?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good girl.” He produced a string of metal balls from his pocket and popped them one by one into your mouth. His lips were on yours again. His tongue moved the balls around your mouth clacking them on your teeth. When he was satisfied with their saturation he pried your mouth open with his thumb and removed them. He parted your folds and sunk the balls into your dripping hole one by one. His fingers danced swirling the orbs inside of your cunt. Your back arched off the bed. “Does that feel good, Princess?”

“Yes , sir. So good.”

“Excellent. Princess, I want you to count out loud each time you come. I will edge you for one hour if I don’t hear you.”

“Ah! Yes, sir.” The coil in your belly was building. Erik smiled down on your writhing body. You tried to bring your thighs together but the bar was made of steel. Unless you focused you couldn’t break it.

“Look at you. I bet if I touched you even a little you would cum.” He ran his index finger lightly over your clit and you fell apart.

“One! Oh my…one.” You moaned and that beautiful sound went right to Steve’s cock. He stroked himself outside of his pants at first. He wanted to last as long as you. It would be difficult.

“Good girl. That’s my good, Princess. Doing so well.”

He kept the balls swirling while he licked a stripe up your cunt. His lips closed over your clit. Your hips bucked wildly against his face. You threw your head back against the bed and screamed, “Fuck! Two!”

He pressed the pads of his fingers over your clit and rubbed furiously. “Three” you whimpered.

He smacked your pussy hard. “Didn’t hear you, love.”

“Three, sir.”

“You getting tired on me? You have three more. Color, darling.”

“Green, sir.”

“Oooh. She’s being a warrior tonight. Give me one more in my mouth and I’ll take two on my cock.”

“Yes, sir.”

He went back to licking your snatch. You were sonsensitive. His big hands held you still while he licked and nibbled. Steve leaned on the railing panting. He couldn’t take it anymore. He unsheathed his throbbing member and wrapped it tight in his fist.

You got to four and tears started streaking your face. Erik pulled out the balls and tossed them aside. You mewled at the emptiness in your pussy. Erik undressed. When his cock was free he ran the leaking tip around the hole pushing in ever so slightly. The stretch made you cry out.

“So wet for me. You’re leaking and I haven’t even pushed all the way in. Do you want more?” You nodded so he pulled away. “Use your words or you won’t get to cum.”

“More please, sir. I need it.” He slammed into you letting his pelvis hit your clit hard.

“Was that five, my darling?”

“N…no, sir. M’so close.”

“Give it to me.” His hips pumped faster and faster. You screamed and nearly arched yourself in half.

“Fiiiiive. Yellow, sir.”

“Oh you feel so good around my cock. One more and then I’ll paint your belly and tits.”

Steve pumped his fist in time with Erik’s hips. When you came the sixth time, so did he. Hot ropes of cum dribbled onto his hand. He kept stroking while Erik finished.

“Think you can go for seven? It would make me so proud.” You were much too sensitive.

“Red! Red red red.” Erik pulled out immediately and jerked himself all over your belly and breasts. Out of breath he fell over onto the bed next to you. You looked wrecked. With a wave of his hand your wrists were free. He undid the spreader and kissed you deeply.

“Water, Princess?”

“Yes, please.” He brought you a glass and held it to your lips. He tossed you your dress. You didn’t clean yourself up. That was part of the scene. You went home still sticky with his cum. Steve was feral at the thought of licking another man’s seed off of you. He made it down and onto his bike before you got to the door.

You took your payment and kissed Erik goodbye.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Steve made it into the house moments before you. He changed his clothes and acted like he had been home all night. His heart thumped loud in his ears when he heard your keys in the door.

“Hey, honey. Didn’t expect you so early.” You patted him on the head as you limped into the bathroom.

“Need a shower.”

“Can I join you?” The thought of cumming again nearly made you cry.

“Yes, but only to shower.” He jumped up and followed you. You shook out your hair and went to unzip your dress but his hands were there already.

“You look so pretty right now. All fucked out. You were such a good girl tonight.” Every nerve in your body prickled. He kissed down your neck and the top of your spine.

“Steve, did you follow me?” Your voice was low. Your expression unreadable.

“Are you mad? I just wanted peace of mind. I got a lot more than that. I’m not saying I’ll be ok every time. But, if I’m honest, I’ve been thinking about licking that cum off of you.” Your whole body went warm. A smirk pulled at the corner of your lips as you edged down your dress.

“Did you like what you saw, sweet boy?”

“Mmm. Very much.”

“Did you make yourself cum watching us?”

“I did.” He ground his hard cock into your ass cheek.

“I’m so sticky. Clean me up before we shower.” He knelt in front of you and licked all of the dried cum off of your belly. “Mmm. Good boy.”

“I need to be inside of you so bad. Please can I fuck you?”

“Please fuck me, Steve.”’ He brought you into the shower and soaped you up. After the two of you were clean he kissed you fiercely. He lifted your hips and drove into you. “I can’t wait until Jamie gets home so I can tie you to the chair while he fucks my brains out. Wanna watch Jamie fuck me, sweet boy?” He moaned loudly.

“Yes, ma’am. Wanna watch him pound this pretty pussy.” It wasn’t long before you both lost it.

You got into bed and stretched out on his chest. “Y/n?”

“Yeah?”

“I had no idea I would like that.”

You giggled, “We learn something new about ourselves every day.” You both completely passed out.

The next morning Bucky got home early. He was shocked that Steve wasn’t already up. He found the two of you sleeping soundly. He nearly cried at how content you were. Steve opened his eyes and pressed his finger to his lips. Bucky got undressed and crawled in behind you. He pressed a kiss onto your shoulder and laid an arm across your back. He and Steve laced their fingers together.

“Did you make up?” He whispered.

“Something like that. It’s a long story.” You stirred a little.

“Jamie?”

“I’m home, baby doll. Go back to sleep.” He kissed you again and pulled the covers over you.

“K. Steve’s a kinky freak.” You buried your face into Steve to shield you from the sun streaming in from the curtains.

Bucky raised an eyebrow and smiled. Steve kept his eyes closed. “What the fuck happened?”

“Get some sleep. I promise we’ll show you later.” He kissed the back of Bucky’s hand and fell back to sleep. Bucky forced himself to close his eyes. He couldn’t imagine what was going to happen but he couldn’t wait to find out.

[imkylotrash]

Fading

Pairing: Musa x reader

Request: I’d love a Musa x fem reader. Maybe something angsty with fluff. Anonymous

A/N In my defense, the anon who requested this did say angst with fluff and not fluff with angst 😂 

Tagging: @bitchwhytho @music-of-melody @grey-girl​ @intoanothermind​

“I got you breakfast, sleepyhead. Wake up.” You set the tray down on the table next to her bed before sitting down on the side of the bed. She groans making you chuckle. Mornings have never been her thing and frankly, not yours either. But you wanted to do something special for your anniversary and since it’s limited what you can do while at Alfea, you figured breakfast in bed would be a cute thing to do. You give her a minute to open her eyes before handing her a plate. 

“This is lovely. Thank you,” she says with a raspy voice still trying to wake up. Terra has made herself scarce to give you guys a private moment which is very hard to come by when you live in a suite with four other girls. 

“Happy one-years,” you smile leaning in to kiss her. You notice her confusion but she’s quick to cover it up. 

“You too,” she says sitting up properly. You decide to ignore it and assume it’s just from waking up and being a little disorientated. You both munch away on the pancakes and you feed her a strawberry which does not go at all like in the movies where it’s seductive and sexy. Instead you both crack up having a laughing fit for five minutes. 

“Thank you for this, baby. Really.” Musa gives you a quick peck and head for the showers. She stops at the door looking back at you. 

“Aren’t you coming?” she asks as if it’s the most obvious thing. You follow her enjoying much more than breakfast. Afterwards, you both head for classes but you meet up once you’re both free to talk a walk around the grounds. It’s the perfect day filled with all the couple stuff you always thought you hated. Meeting Musa had made you into quite the simp to be honest but you found that you didn’t mind it all that much. It was your first real relationship and the logic part of your brain knew the statistics but your heart was too filled with love for Musa. You couldn’t ever imagine not feeling this way about her. Which is also why it hurt so much when Musa started pulling away. You thought you’d done something to hurt her but whenever you asked she said she was fine. 

“Have you noticed anything off about Musa lately?” you ask Terra one day. You’ve been sitting on Musa’s bed for the last hour waiting for her making casual conversation with Terra but you can’t keep it to yourself anymore. You have to get someone else’s opinion about it before you lose your mind. 

“Off how?” 

“What are you hiding?” you ask knowing her well enough to know that she only rearranges flowers when she’s nervous or has a secret to keep. You never thought Musa would talk to Terra before you but apparently a lot of things has changed these past few weeks. At your anniversary everything seemed fine but now you weren’t really sure of anything anymore. 

“Me? I’m not hiding anything,” Terra nervously laughs confirming your theory. 

“Terra, please. I just need to know that she’s okay.” You wish you could be having this conversation with Musa herself but she’s been AWOL all day. 

“Please just talk to her,” Terra says and it’s clear she wants to stay well out of this but you’re not letting her go that easy. 

“I’ve barely seen her for the past week. How am I supposed to talk to someone who’s avoiding me?” 

“I’m not avoiding you.” You spin around to find Musa in the doorway watching you and Terra. She drops her bag by the bed but doesn’t walk over to you. 

“Can you give us a minute?” she asks and Terra makes a quick exit probably thankful she’s not going to be a part of what happens next. You keep quiet waiting for Musa to speak while Musa refuses to even look at you. How did you become strangers when you could’ve sworn you’ve never known anyone as intimately as you have Musa?

“I’ve just needed some space.” A brick falls onto your chest and crushes your heart. You’ve forgotten how to breathe. Is this what dying feels like? Even now you catch yourself trying to dim your feelings so as not to overload Musa even though she clearly hasn’t considered your feelings these past few weeks. 

“What do you mean space?” you whisper scared your voice might break. 

“Just that I’ve needed some time to be me,” she says but that’s not all. When Musa lies, she always taps her left hand with her right index finger. You first noticed it when she would lie to Terra and say she loved all the plants. 

“Tell me the truth,” you plead, “did I do something to push you away?” 

“It’s not like that.” 

“Then how is it?! Because all I know is that I’ve been trying to pull you closer and you keep pushing me away.” You’ve been so busy worrying that something was wrong that you haven’t had time get upset. But now that you’re finally talking, you’re not about to be dismissed with a stupid excuse for what’s been going on. 

“You’re suffocating me!” Her outburst shocks even her. You were wrong when you assumed the pain before was how it felt like to die. This is what is feels like. How do people survive heartbreaks? Is there a guide somewhere that can help you restart your heart? 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” Musa says wishing she could take it all back but that’s the thing about words. They hit like knives and once they’re lodged in a person’s heart, you can’t remove them. You close your eyes feeling memory after memory hit you. Musa and you giggling as you watch Stella change into yet another of her “famous outfits”. Late night phone calls over the summer when you went to stay with your parents. That time you stole a bottle of wine and stayed out all night watching the sunrise. 

“I don’t get it. When did my love for you start to suffocate you?” Don’t cry, don’t cry, you repeat over and over not wanting to give into your sobs just yet. 

“It happened slowly. You’ve always been my safe place when everyone’s feelings became too much but then your feelings started to overcloud my own. And I just had to get away from it.” 

“So I pushed you away by loving you too much, is that it?” You look over at Musa hurt to see that she looks just fine. When did she stop loving you? 

“It just got too loud. I felt like I couldn’t breathe around you. And slowly my own feelings for you started fading.” She wants to make you understand it but you’re not ready to accept the fact that one day Musa woke up and decided she didn’t love you anymore. 

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.” You gather your things and walk right past her. You want to look back and see if she’s as upset as you are, but you already know the answer to that. When the sobs come this time, you don’t have any energy left to fight it. 

[mack3030]

Types of Paywall Abuse --- A post...

I think it’s time to tackle a topic that might make a few simmers uncomfortable, but we need to talk about it, because in addition to seeing a lot of people complain about it in general, I’ve also been getting some anons in my inbox talking about it. So let’s discuss this. 

Now, first of all, I would like to clarify a couple of things: 

When I speak of PAYWALLS here, I am talking about custom content that can ONLY be accessed by paying, or viewing an ad through a virus filled ad shortener link (which is just as bad).  Pure early access content, where you pay for it and get it earlier than everyone else who gets it for free IS NOT PAYWALLED CONTENT. 

This is why it is called a pay “WALL” because the wall portion indicates that you cannot access it without paying a fee/toll. 

Second of all, I would like to remind the public at large that this is not hate, it is a critical commentary. I am not going to go for these creators personally, nor do I want to. I, as a member of the community who plays the sims 4, and downloads/uses CC, would like to simply hold some of these creators accountable for actions that are unethical and unsatisfactory to the community in which they serve. That is it. No more, no less. I simply believe they CAN do better and BE better than this. 

Now, let’s get into the meat of this. 

The main type of abuse that I have focused on has been what I call Permapaywalls. 

Permapaywalls:

Content that cannot be accessed ANY other way than either paying a certain amount via patreon or another service, OR viewing a link through a virus-filled ad that puts your computer at risk. 

There are many creators who are well known permapaywall creators, with at least 80% or more of their content being locked behind these permapaywalls. Sometimes they may release a few items for free, but this is very similar to being allowed to test drive a car before buying it. It’s to entice the user/viewer into liking the brand, and then buying in.

I’m not going to delve into this too much because I’ve already expounded on this topic a bit. So let’s go further. 

The next type of abuse is what I like to call “Exclusive Loopholes”. 

Exclusive Loopholes: Creators who try to “get around” EA’s early access policy by offering a majority of their content as early access, but holding back certain items only to those who “subscribe” to their “patreon exclusive” content. 

There are some who are okay with this, thinking of this as a neat “bonus” for those who subscribe and support. However, the sims team made it clear: 

Folks who have a Patreon page are welcome to provide folks with "early access" incentives for their content but it should be made available to the general public within 2-3 weeks of it being given to folks early.

- Simguru Drake, The Sims Forum

Notice nowhere in this answer does it say anything about BONUS CC incentives. Nowhere. This is just a method that certain creators try to use to keep people from decrying them as “big bad paywall creators”. This way they can say “oh look, we do early access, we’re following EA’s rules~!” while still holding content hostage. 

If you want to offer your patreons some exclusives, here’s some ideas:  * Share pictures of your process, or work in progress content coming up.  * Allow them to have input into your process via polls and questions.  * Have an exclusive discord community just for your patreons where they can talk to you easier and share excitement and input about your content with you and each other.  * Have exclusive streams where only you and your patreons have the link to see you go live making content.  * Host a workshop on how to make CC using your process. (I see all of you who steal meshes from other sites sweating over this. ;D)  * Pause billing for a month and say “you know what, since you guys have been loyal and supported me, have a month of patreon on me!”  * Anything that honestly doesn’t involve only giving those patreons CC and not releasing it to the public. 

Let’s talk about another type, and oh my lanta, this type has had some anons messaging me ALL up in arms. I like to call this type “The Donation Disaster”.

Donation Disaster: Someone who CONSTANTLY uses the “downs” in the up/downs of life as excuses to not release content on time, or delay it while still collecting payment from patreons. Bonus “you’re a jerk” points if they then try to use those misfortunate circumstances to beg for even more money from their patreons on multiple occasions. 

Look, we all have junk that goes on in our lives. But when that junk is used as an excuse for you continually delaying content while still charging your patreons (and not using the pause feature), it makes them feel cheated.  In addition, when you then ask for donations to help you during your difficult time, and turn to your patreons instead of the support networks that are around you (ex: friends, family, religious communities, etc.), that can be VERY off-putting. You might be able to get away with it once, maybe twice, without a large chunk of your community turning against you. But the more regular it becomes, and the more they hear about how strapped for cash you are and how you’re asking them to give more than their pledge, and you’ll soon find yourself being called a scammer. Regardless of your intent, or if your problems are reality, you’ll find people’s empathy for your situation will be lacking.

I’ve had a few anons in my inbox talking about different patreon creators that always seem to have an excuse for why updates aren’t coming just yet, or why x is broken, and with their excuse comes a plea for help with bills, and a link to a paypal or venmo. 

Everyone has junk, don’t get me wrong. And it sucks to go through the junk we have in life, but if you’re reaching out to random people on the internet as your first method of support, you might need to be looking someplace else for support first before you come to the people who are already paying you for content you make. A one time “hey I’m in a bind, I need some help” donation thing might not be a bad thing, but when it becomes a constant pattern on your patreon....people aren’t going to take it well...at all. 

And last, but not least, I’d like to talk about the last kind of patreon abuse, which frankly, is really upsetting to me. I don’t even really have a name for it, because it’s literally so much of a “what?” thing in my head. I don’t even understand why it goes on.  Now, this practice involves the black/POC community, and frankly, as a white girl, I don’t feel I should be speaking over the community and what they have to say. Thankfully @xmiramira​ spoke on it, all the way back in 2019. Here’s an excerpt from her fantastic POST:

Even new creators who JUST joined the community sliding up in TBS with locs and braids talking about Patreon only. GTFOH. I’m not okay with creators doing Patreon only CC PERIOD, but my main discussion is focused on NON BLACK simmers making CC catered to US, and making it PATREON EXCLUSIVE IN AN ATTEMPT TO FORCE US TO PLEDGE, and how people are ASSUMING that I’m OKAY WITH THIS, and ASSUMING that I’m letting it FLY in my community. Just because I don’t go off about shit as frequent as I used to doesn’t mean I cannot see and I am not doing what I can to keep the fuckery OUT.“Oh but your friend has a Patreon” I don’t have an issue with what @ebonixsims is doing because it’s all early release. It gets released to the public a few weeks later. It’s not being kept behind Patreon, forcing people to pledge to her. Despite this, she’s still doing really good with it. So don’t get it twisted, I’m not on social media arguing with folks so people just assumed I’m okay with this shit, I’m really not. I’m actually two seconds off dropping Patreon share folders. (That also have my shit in it) Supporting people is one thing, but a lot of these motherfuckers are becoming extremely exploitive, and it’s aggravating. It’s like you goofy motherfuckers sit in DMs like “yeah let’s make some CC for the negros and put it on Patreon” Fuck outta here. And it’s not even just hair, it’s skins and even CLOTHING STYLES. Y’all are really wilding the hell out. African necklaces, black girl magic chains, Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling? IM TIRED! Next time someone asks me where I got something and it’s Patreon exclusive I’m dropping a SFS link. FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Here’s the deal. The black community has been fighting for a while to be able to feel represented in this game. Here’s two articles (ONE, TWO) talking about this issue.  But the thing that has me upset is the fact that SO many creators of content that is AIMED at Black/POC simmers are locking that content (or a good majority of it) behind paywalls. And what’s even more shameful is some of those creators are POC themselves! They understand what it’s like to feel that they cannot make themselves or have sims that look like them in this game, yet they still lock their content away and expect people not just in the SIMS community, but in the POC community to pay through the nose for it.  The fact that this is STILL going on, two freaking years after she made this post, and that both NON POC creators and POC creators are engaging in this behavior is honestly disappointing and shameful. I believe black/POC creators should be supported, BUT they should be supported without depriving their OWN community of representation and access. And frankly, if you’re a NON POC creator and you’re specifically targeting this group to make money off of them with paywalls, I have only one thing to say to you:

I’d speak on it more, but frankly, I’d rather let the people who are actually in the black/POC community speak on it, so if any of you want to let loose in the comments about this problem, go wild. I’m happy to sit back and listen, and I suggest others do the same.