#found the energy to get up go grocery shopping plan this weeks meals and make a healthy dinner for both of us and

[xofre]

Why the fuck is it easier to take care of others but not of myself.

[rachelbethhines]

Things That I Use To Help Manage My ADHD and Executive Dysfunction

1. To Do Lists

I know, I know.

Making a list is boring. I lose the paper. I forget to make the to do list.

Believe me, I know.

I've been there, but trust me it does help once you get into the habit.

Here's some tips on how to get started

Try making your list in a digital app or a document file so you don't lose it

Sticky notes in a place you're sure to see them

An erasable board like a marker board or a chalkboard that you keep up in a specific place and never move. Like on the wall or the fridge.

Put "make 'to do' list" on the to do list so you don't forget to do it

Set aside a certain time to fill out or check off the list each day. Consistency is key.

Use calendars, alarms, and timers liberally to keep track of appointments and to manage your time so you don't hyper-focus on something to the determinant of more important things

But be flexible for things that don't have deadlines or appointments. Don't beat yourself up if something doesn't get done, just add it back onto the list for next time

2. Randomizers

Part of the problem with executive dysfunction is being overwhelmed by choice. So I keep a few randomizer websites booked marked that I use regularly

Wheel pickers

List randomizers

Random number generators

Like I keep my list of projects on a wheel picker app. And my chores that I don't have deadlines for on another. When making my to do list I'll spin the wheel to pick the project or chore that I'm going to work on that day.

I do the same when picking out albums to listen to or movies to watch so I don't go doom scrolling while wasting time deciding.

3. Meal Planning

Similar to the above, I take one day out of the week to draw up my meal plan for the next week.

Use this time to take stock of your pantry and fridge. What needs to get used up?

Anything special you want to fix over the week or weekend? Save the recipes to a document or leave a bookmark in your cookbook

Overwhelmed with choices or just don't know what to do with certain ingredients? Try a randomizer or an app like supercook to come up with ideas.

After you've taken inventory of your kitchen and figured out any special recipes you want to make, go ahead and fill out your grocery list

Set aside time on your to do list for shopping, meal prep, and cooking through out the week.

Pre-plan what days/times you are going to eat out or get takeout and work that into the meal plan/budget

Budget not only your money but also your time. How long will this recipe take to prep/cook? How much effort will it require of me? Is there any shortcuts I can take to make things easier, like buying my veggies already diced?

Try using an app to keep track of your meal plan, grocery list, and recipes so that they're all in one place

4. Mental Health Apps

I like Booster Buddy, but it's no longer supported for newer devices. I have also used Finch. But at the end of the day it doesn't matter which app you choose.

The point of having a program dedicated for mental health is to have a handy way to check in on yourself and see how you are feeling. Many apps will offer visual cues to allow you to break down your motivation and energy levels.

This will help give you a guideline for the day so you don't stretch yourself too thin.

A good app will also offer little suggestions and tips to help improve your mood or provide genteel reminders for small things that help with self care.

But most importantly it will help you spot patterns over time so you can better notice ongoing problems or see gradual changes as you get better.

5. Finding and Avoiding What Triggers My Dissociation

This is the hardest one.

I suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming on top everything else which only makes my ADD and Executive Dysfunction even worse.

For others it maybe obsessive compulsion or a tendency to hyper-focus.

Things that I found that can be triggers are boredom, anxiety, isolation, health/dietary complications, and even the weather.

So here's some things I noticed that help

Set aside a certain time during the day to read/watch the news and then ignore it for the rest of the day. Yes be informed, but don't obsess.

Get your news from actual reputable news sources and not social media! Avoid algorithms feeding you negativity.

If you want to be more politically active schedule time for it, get involved with actual charities or political organizations, and then go about your regular business afterwards

Limit social media time. For me it's mornings before work for about 30mins, and then maybe an hour after work.

Curate your online experience. Block what you need to. Unfollow who you see fit. Social media should be fun not stressful.

Talk to other people! Make plans to hang out on weekends or call/text someone during the weekday. Try to make contact with another human being in some form everyday for at least a few mins, even if it's just online in a discord chat.

Have a book or notepad handy for when you get bored at work. Read, write, or draw during your downtime so you don't start staring off into space.

Keep a short list of fun things to do handy if you feel bored at home.

Set aside time to daydream/worry/plan/meditate/decompress. You need to mentally unwind at some point. The goal is to have that time per-planned so that it doesn't distract from other needed tasks. Getting into a routine with that time will also help.

Eating enough iron/vitamin C/protein ect. Food is energy and you need energy to focus. Meal planning will help with this.

TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!

Sometimes the weather will make you groggy, irritated, or anxious. There's not much you can do about this other than to accept it and just try your best.

You can however plan for bad weather ahead of time. Go to the National Weather site to find out about upcoming weather in your area and to figure what you need to be prepared for it. Try getting into the habit of doing this regularly.

[lexa-lives-in-us]

Saving Tips for Hard Times

I found this old document where I collected a series of tips to save money. This is all part of my experience of when I was near homeless, and some work depending on where you live, some don’t. Here we go.

BILLS:

1. The optimum temperature for refrigerator operation is 5°C, and -18°C for freezer operation. As a rule of thumb, for each additional degree of refrigeration output about six percent more electricity is used.

2. Unplug your appliances. Lamps, microwave, tv, computers etc. They don't need to be plugged until you use them, and it saves energy to keep them unplugged. Therefore, money.

3. Do homework for phone companies and internet plans. Call them! Often they are toll free and if you mentioned that you were already with them or thinking of going with them and then found out another company had a better deal, they could offer you deals for lower prices. I had to do it all the time for my phone, until they couldn't really offer anything better.

4. BIKE. Invest in a used bike if you can, especially for the warmer months. It offsets the transit costs and better your health.

5. WALK. That's the same as the bike, honestly.

6. Pay your bills on time, you will avoid late fees which can up to HUNDREDS of dollars wasted over the course of a year. If you can, set up automatic payments so you don’t forget.

FRIDGE:

1. Every time the refrigerator door is opened, cold air escapes and warm ambient air enters. To compensate for the temperature increase in its interior, the refrigerator must then use energy to bring the temperature back down. Always avoid opening the door unnecessarily and for too long.

2. When defrosting frozen food place it in the refrigerator. Not only does this ensure that the food is carefully defrosted, its presence cools down the refrigerator interior, reducing the amount of work that the compressor has to do, and therefore lowering energy consumption.

3. Never put warm food in the refrigerator as this will heat up the interior, as well as other stored foods. Hot food should always be allowed to cool to room temperature before placing it in the refrigerator

MONEY:

1. Keep all the containers like glass bottles, juice bottles, jars, cans etc. Look for your Return-It depot and have trips to return them. They give back coins for laundry, small expenses etc

2. Use that junk mail. Go through it, find coupons for food, for essentials like toilet paper or shampoo.

3. CHECK. THAT. DOLLARSTORE. They often have things like pasta, ketchup, toilet paper, batteries etc for literally 1 dollar.  Pasta is pasta, toilet paper is toilet paper. Seriously. Don't need to spend 5$ on a shampoo bottle when you can have it for 1/5 of the price.

4. Do homework and check with different banks for which one offers a better plan. Some of them are willing to help out. Sit down with their advisors, find the best solution!

5. Use the envelope system! For example, one envelope with a label “food” the other with “entertainment” the other with “bills”. Then set the right amount of cash for each. That’s what you’re allowed to spend each month. If you realize you need more for food, grab it from the entertainment envelope. Adapt and arrange as needed.

6. If you can, set up an automatic saving (example 50$ every paycheck) for both regular saving AND an emergency fund.

7. Use the 24-Hour Rule. Avoid purchasing expensive or unnecessary items on impulse with a self-imposed 24-hour rule. For any non-essential item, wait 24 hours before purchasing. It’s perfect for online shopping where your items can simply be added to your cart to purchase later.

8. Make a grocery list BEFORE going to the grocery store and STICK to it. You’re going to avoid buying things you don’t really need.

9. DO. NOT. SHOP. WHILE. YOU. ARE. HUNGRY. Or you’ll end up buying food that you actually don’t need just because you feel snacky!

10. Only use ATMs from your bank, or you get charged small fees.

11. Set a “No Spend Day” per week, where you consciously DO NOT spend any money for that day.

12. Ditch the paper: Cutting out paper towels and using cloths and napkins that you can simply wash and reuse is a simple way to save.

13. After you wear clothes, hang them outside your wardrobe, on a door or something. You can air them out a bit, then stick them in the closet without washing. You can basically reuse the same clothes two or three times without having to wash them, sometimes they just need a bit of air and they won’t smell AT ALL.

14. If you don’t own or want to spend money on an iron, hang whatever blouse you need to iron in the bathroom while you shower. The steam will humidify the fabric and straighten it up.

15. Hang stuff to dry. Really don’t need to spend money on the dryer.

16. Sign up to the library. They have so many books and DVDs nowadays. You can also just go, sit at the library and stay warm for a while, so that you don’t have to sit at home and either suffer the cold or use money on your own heat.

17. Budget, budget, budget. Get a lil notebook, write down the monthly expenses, cut what you don’t need. It gets easier with time.

 FOOD:

1.       Make a meal plan. Write 10-14 days worth of dishes that you can do (lunch, dinner, everything you need). You can then toss them around as you go on with your week, but that way you have a pretty clear idea of what you use and the food you go through for how long. It also reduces the risks of getting take out since you already have plans for what to eat.

2.       Cook double! Seriously. Make that dinner and double it up. Leftovers can be frozen or put in the fridge for the day after.

3.       Meal prep. Once a week, prep a bunch of different recipes. Let them cool down, stick them in the freezer. At that point you’ll already have all these meals at the ready to just thaw/microwave or oven up.

4.       You don’t need pop. You don’t need alcohol. You most likely don’t need milk, but go for it if you wanna. Just remember dairy products go bad WAY more quickly than non dairies, so consider getting food and drinks with no dairy in them. Mainly, though. Water. Just drink water. Lots of it too! Sometimes our brain can’t tell the difference between hunger and thirst. You think you’re snacky? Drink some water instead! It’ll quell your hunger.

5.       Freeze fruit! If you think you’re not gonna be able to eat fruit in time, put it in a Tupperware or a ziplock and slap it in the freezer. You’ll be able to then use it for smoothies.

6.       Use the Italian saying “Colazione da re, pranzo da nobili, cena da poveri.” Which quite literally means “Breakfast as a king, lunch as a noble, dinner as a poor.” Breakfast should be very filling, carbs, protein, vitamins. It carries you for the whole day. Lunch should be quite filling too! But supper doesn’t really need a lot of it, and if you REALLY have to skip a meal, skip supper. Your body doesn’t need that much sustenance while sleeping.

7.       This is for the desperate times but I’ve done it, and I would do it again if I ever had to. Go to markets that have like… Fruits and veggies. Talk to them. Ask them “HEY, can I have the fruit/veggie that you have to throw away?” Ask them if you can have the ugly produce, the one that doesn’t look pretty enough to be put out. Or ask them to have whatever extra they have to dump because is past the expiry date. EXPIRY DATE IS USUALLY MUCH LONGER THAN WHAT THE LABEL SAYS. I wouldn’t risk it with dairy stuff or with things that are VERY expired, but one or two days? Totally fine, I promise. And if you have to? Dumpster Dive. Especially at markets with fruit and veggies that have to be sold on the same day (because it’s not considered “fresh” past that day.) Or behind pizza places like Dominos or Panago or whatever chain. They get pizza orders wrong all the time. Just give a peak behind these buildings and look inside their boxes. You have no idea how many times I found perfectly fine pizzas. For free! IF YOU DUMPSTER DIVE, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE GLOVES, A MASK AND PLASTIC BAGS TO PUT YOUR STUFF IN. ONCE AT HOME, DISCARD GLOVES AND WASH PRODUCE THROUGHLY. Also check tumblr for your divers community, they usually know the best spots.

 CLOTHES:

1.       Thrift shop! So many GOOD used clothes are out there! Honestly! My whole wardrobe is thrifted and everything looks brand new. It takes a bit of research and maybe that shirt you liked is not in your size, but you can find EVERYTHING, from socks to bras, at a thrift store. Don’t thrift underwear though. You want to go new with those.

2.       Invest in some needle and thread, then open youtube. There are SO MANY tutorials that teach you how to mend holes in socks and underwear. And really, no one will really notice if a mend is perfectly done or not. After a week, you’ll forget it too! But that prevents you from throwing away clothes that could just be mended a little.

3.       Something doesn’t fit you? Too small, too big? YouTube, homie. They have tutorials on how to fix these kinda things! All you need, again, is needle and thread.

4.       Organize clothes swaps with friends and/or neighbors. Everyone brings clothes they don’t need, put them in a pile. Go through the pile and grab whatever there is. There’s no money exchange, one could go home with 1 item and one could go home with 50 items. Who cares? The extra stuff… DONATE IT TO A SHELTER.

Feel free to add more, and stay safe!

[certifiedtarotbarbie]

THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS OPTIMIZES HER TIME BY SIMPLIFYING PROCESSES.

I do this by planning my personal life in advance as much as I can. If you are new here please check out the parent post here. This will be an ongoing series. I will go into detail on each of the 12 CHARACTERISTICS OF MY DREAM GIRL.

Before I start this one I want to give some backstory. I am very much a free spirit. In addition I would like to say I am a person that requires a lot of rest. I do not like the idea of my time being tied up consistently, and I don't like the idea of staying in one place too long. And I believe that spontaneity and variety are truly the spice of life. But through relentlessly fantasizing about a life where I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I have found that planning and discipline is where you reach true freedom.

So with all that, the first characteristic of my dream girl is that she optimizes her time by simplifying processes. This is something I feel is pivotal for me to maintain clarity. I have had a lot less brain fog in implementing these very simple processes. The less time you spend on doing things like deciding what to wear and what to eat, the more time you will have for understanding things and most importantly... rest.

I have been utilizing meal services like green chef and hello fresh for the time being and it has been incredible. During the fall & winter, I will be making vegan dishes that keep well in the fridge and can easily be warmed up without a big mess.

I no longer go grocery shopping weekly. I do have to stop in the store weekly for fresh fruits and veggies but that is one department in and out. And ALWAYS when I am doing a ritual or just needing to have some good old-fashioned soul food.

I purchased a Brita pitcher, not having to go buy water all the time seems very minor. But it conserves a lot of energy, it avoids long lines and I am able to save anywhere from 10 - 25 mins three times a week. Being able to use that time for rest makes a major difference (for me).

I have implemented a cleaning schedule which will be saved for a different post. Also, utilize my dishwasher more.

On Sunday's I get my outfits ready for the week. And I have implemented a hair and makeup routine that is quick and easy. I have a signature scent and staple jewelry pieces,

More things I would like to implement are some processes around getting focused on work. Studying and note taking...

I am working on it, let me know if you have any suggestions.

[pascalpanic]

Sirenita (Marcus Moreno x f!Reader)

Summary: You and Marcus were supposed to have a wonderful long weekend to yourselves in his home. Your immune system has other plans.

W/C: 2.7k

Warnings: language, talk of having a cold and some of the gross details are included, talk of like mucus, sore throats, stomachaches etc. talk of sex and sexual flirting/innuendos.

A/N: I woke up this morning and have NO voice from a sore throat, after last night when I was researching Spanish terms of endearment and I found one to mean “little mermaid”... of course I had to write it! Thanks to @theteddylupinexperience and @sanchosammy for reading this one for me :)

There are very few things that you love more than long weekends. There’s a definitive list of the things you do: Marcus Moreno sits at the very top. He’s your everything, really, your comfort and warmth and all of your heart is hidden within his. The second-place title goes to Missy Moreno. The little girl is your best friend, and you are hers. She’s funny and whip-smart, and she loves you like a mother figure.

Fourth place seems like a fitting spot for long weekends. As much as you love them, there are three things you love more, even though two and three might sound contradictory. Number Three in your heart is long weekends with Marcus where Missy isn’t home.

Missy is at an age where she’d much rather be with friends than family during her free time. You understand the feeling, remembering your days of spending leisurely days with friends and seeing your parents only when you came home to sleep.

As much as you and Marcus both adore the little girl, you empathize. Marcus is surprisingly lenient with her, allowing her to go to friends’ houses or come to theirs whenever she’d like. There was a long time where Missy didn’t have any friends at all. He’s more than willing to let her make up for lost time. It makes his heart swell to see his little girl happy again.

This long weekend, a dreary three days in the middle of March, was supposed to be wonderful. Missy made plans to go with her friend’s family to their lake house a few hours away, and you and Marcus were more than willing to hold down the house while she was gone.

Weekends are always too short. They’re never enough time for you to properly adore Marcus, to cuddle and fuck and do things and sleep and hang around the house. The two days are filled with driving Missy places, shopping for groceries and meal prepping for the Morenos and their busy weeks. If you’re lucky enough for Missy to fall asleep earlier than the two of you, you can sneak in a round of lovemaking in Marcus’s ridiculously plush bed.

That’s why three days are perfect: you can finish everything you need to, and still have time to cuddle on your boyfriend’s strong chest, to watch movies and lay around for a while, recovering from your hectic lives. When Marcus’s daughter isn’t home, you can wander the house in your underwear, can fuck spontaneously on the couch or in the kitchen or in the shower. The two of you can pretend you’re responsibility-free and young again for a while.

That had been your plan for the weekend, complete with a large package of condoms that had been discreetly delivered to your house and hidden in Marcus’s nightstand. Thursday found you with drained energy and pounding in your temples. You took a mucus relief pill and hoped for the best. Much to your chagrin, you’d come home from work on Friday night with a nagging cough and a dripping nose, feeling utterly miserable. You’d helped Missy pack and sent her on her way to her friend’s lake house with a large bag of snacks you’d helped her shop for.

The cold evolved over the course of the night, leaving you a whimpering mess in Marcus’s arms. Marcus made the two of you hot chocolate with almond milk, insisting that dairy would only make you produce more of the slime plaguing you. He was right, and you’d cuddled and sipped your hot beverages while you watched a movie you’d been waiting to see when Missy wasn’t home. He pressed gentle kisses to your forehead, noting the heat radiating from your skin every time. If it ever felt warm, he’d insist you take your temperature again. The beeping of the little stick made you wince when you heard it now, but you were always relieved to find you didn’t have a fever.

You’d retired later than the two of you normally did, but it was still early in the night. As Marcus removed his glasses and set them on his nightstand, you cuddled into his chest and sighed. This was going to be a long night with your painful throat, and you hoped you wouldn’t wake Marcus.

It took a long time to fall asleep, despite Marcus’s steady breathing calming you. You’d got up and sat at the window, admiring the way the large tree in the Morenos’ backyard swayed and rustled with the gusts of wind. Marcus made the soft noises of a nightmare. He’s had many of them, too many, and it breaks your heart. You climbed back into bed and kissed at his neck and jaw just enough to wake him from the dream, then admired the rise and fall of his chest as he fell back asleep.

Around 2 A.M., you finally fell asleep.

-

When you wake in the morning, the Saturday sun filtering through the gauzy curtains you’d hung in the bedroom, Marcus is still deeply asleep. You roll over and take a deep gulp, taking inventory of the feelings in your body.

Your throat still stings, but nowhere near the level it hurt the past few days. That makes you sigh in relief. You still can’t breathe through one nostril, but that’s a minor effect. You yawn and attempt to pop your ears but they’re still too plugged.

The biggest issue you notice is in your stomach. It aches and churns, feeling just generally gross. You suppose the amount of your mucus in your stomach isn’t exactly helping your situation. Sighing again, you sit on the edge of the bed for a moment before standing next to it.

Marcus rolls over, frowning at the lack of your warmth, the emptiness in his arms. “Baby?” He asks, groggy and rough from sleep.

“Right here,” you say- or you try to. Your voice croaks from your throat, barely audible. Oh, shit.

Marcus opens his eyes as he looks over at you, frowning even deeper. “Are you okay?” he asks, sitting up and putting on his glasses. It’s a small relief to see that you’re right next to him and not visibly pained or distraught.

“Fine, yeah,” you say, but your hand flies to your throat, coughing and trying to clear it. You chuckle, the raspy and cracking voice sound filling the room.

Marcus laughs softly. “How do you feel?” He asks gently, taking one of your hands.

“Okay. Better, actually, but my voice is just…” you sigh at the strain of talking. “And my stomach feels like absolute shit.”

He frowns, pushing the covers off from his lap. “Well, you should eat something. Let’s get you some breakfast, huh? I’ll make you some toast,” he offers, standing up and pulling you alongside him as he begins to walk.

He’s warm, and you’re unbearably hot. “Sure,” you nod and scoot away from him. He looks at you with sad eyes and you offer an apologetic smile. “I’m just really warm, I’m sorry.”

Marcus’s eyes are filled with understanding and he nods. “You wanna take a cool shower and I’ll make you some breakfast?” He asks, just taking your hand instead.

“Please,” you smile and kiss his cheek. “I love you so much,” you whisper, finding that at least you can sound somewhat normal if you speak in such a low tone.

“Love you too, beautiful,” he chuckles and kisses the top of your head. “You’re like Ariel. Did some kind of mean sea witch steal your voice?” He asks teasingly, making you croak out a laugh.

“Just call me the little mermaid,” you sigh, swallowing and wincing at the pain.

“You know, that’s a nickname my dad called my mom when I was little. Sirenita. It literally means little mermaid,” he smiles down at you, placing a hand on each of your upper arms. “Go hop in the shower. It’ll feel good.”

You nod and obey, heading back in the bedroom and into the attached bathroom. You take a nice shower, and the cool water feels good on your warm skin. You turn up the heat a little and relish in the way the steam soothes your nose, makes everything feel just a little better. Once you’re done, you dry your hair and pull on a tank top and a pair of Marcus’s sweatpants, wandering downstairs.

Being Marcus, he’s made a gorgeous spread of food for you. There is toast and fruit, scrambled eggs, all kinds of foods. “Hi. I didn’t know how much flavor you could tolerate, so I just-”

He’s cut off when you throw your arms around him and kiss the side of his face. “Thank you,” you rasp out, squeezing him tight. “You’re the best man on Earth. How are you so cute?”

He’s about to respond but there’s a high pitched noise and he turns quickly, out of your arms. “Oh, I’m making tea for you too,” he tells you and kisses the bridge of your nose before he grabs the kettle from the stove.

“You literally just proved my point further,” you laugh and follow him along, wrapping your arms around him from behind. “I know we had all kinds of grand plans for this weekend, but I think we need to put today’s on hold.”

He smiles at the feeling, putting one hand atop of your arm. “Oh, I know. It’s alright. We’ve still got two more days,” he assures you and rubs your arm slowly with his strong hands, the other one pouring the kettle into two mugs with tea bags.

“God, I don’t deserve you,” you sigh and let go to stand next to him, pulling the tea bag and watching it bob in the water.

Marcus frowns, a few lines in his forehead. “Yes you do. You deserve everything I can do for you and more, mi sirenita,” he says softly, looking down at you. “And what you deserve today, especially with how you’re feeling, is rest. So I’ve made us an alternate plan.”

“Oh yeah?” You croak.

“You got it. The first part is that you don’t talk for the rest of the day. I’ll only ask you yes or no questions,” he tells you as he picks up the two mugs. “We’re just going to cuddle in bed or on the couch and binge watch that new series we’ve been meaning to watch. You’ll only get up to go to the bathroom, and I’ll get you everything else. My mom is going to bring some of her famous soup over later, she texted me, and we’ll have that for dinner. Does that sound good?”

You pout at him with big and loving eyes. “That’s so sweet,” you coo and reach for the mug of tea.

He pulls it back and raises an eyebrow, teasingly smiling. “Ah. No more talking starting… now. Does that sound good?” He repeats, holding the mugs far from your body. You nod and he grins, handing you the mug.

“Good.” Marcus kisses your head softly. “Alright, babe. You want honey and lemon in this?” He asks as he prepares his own tea.

Once again, you nod. Marcus never said anything about phones. You pull it from your pocket, and an automated voice speaks what you type for you.

“Marcus Moreno you are a little shit and I adore your cute butt,” a robotic voice vocalizes for you. He turns and you grin as you hold up the phone, giggling softly. You type in more words for it. “Hello Marcus it is me I am a cyborg now. Marcus Moreno has a cute ass and the world knows it because he is famous and I am eternally grateful for that.”

Marcus frowns. “Stop making that thing talk about my ass.”

“I am solely using this to objectify you now that you said that. Marcus Moreno has washboard abs and is really sexy. Marcus Moreno’s ass is squishier than it looks. The reason Marcus has such strong thighs is because he fucks like a machine. Marcus Moreno is a DILF.” You’re giggling uncontrollably now.

“Give me that goddamn thing, I swear to God,” he laughs and tries to steal it from you. You jerk it back with a squeal, and Marcus leans forward again to grab it. “You can’t run from me with that thing. It’s metal.”

You break your promise not to speak. “I can try!” You squeal and the Heroic lunges for you again. With a squeak, you take off into the living room, dodging around and running through the maze of the couch and coffee table.

You stumble a little, your arms waving in the air as you try to catch your balance. That’s the perfect moment, and the phone in your hand zips through the air and into Marcus’s palm. “Goddamnit,” you whine and flop down on the couch, lying on your back.

Marcus shakes his head but he’s smiling. “It was all cute until you called me a DILF.” He walks until he’s standing at your side.

“You are,” you grin up at him, voice crackling. “You’re a dad and I’d like to fuck you.”

Rolling his eyes, Marcus bends down and lifts you up, making you squeal again. “Jesus Christ,” he sighs, but you can practically hear the smile in his voice as he fireman-carries you to the kitchen. “I told you not to talk. I told you to relax. And what do you do?”

“Sorry,” you laugh, your face nearly pressed into his back as he holds you over his shoulder. “Couldn’t help it. It just sounded hilarious. I had to.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He sets you down and playfully smacks your ass, stealing a quick kiss before pulling a chair out from the table. “Eat.”

Shaking your head, you laugh. “I suppose that’s a good idea.” You grab a fork and scoop up some of the various foods. “I love you so much.

“No talking, little mermaid,” he reminds you, taking a sip from his cooled tea.

“I like that better in Spanish,” you murmur as you take a sip of the hot tea and sigh at the relief.

“What, you like sirenita?”

You smile and nod, going back to your vow of silence as you eat some of the breakfast. The two of you eat together quietly, in the comfortable lull that the two of you are so good at. Marcus isn’t a huge talker, and he appreciates a partner who can leave the silence in the air without needing to fill it. The quiet clanks of your metal utensils against the porcelain plates is enough.

You sigh when you finish your food, a wave of exhaustion coming over your body once more now that your stomach is settled and most things feel better than before. Marcus looks over at you and smiles. “Alright, Princess Ariel. Oh, does that make me Prince Eric?” He asks with a laugh.

You nod excitedly, trying not to speak, but you have to. “You look just like him.”

“First of all, no I do not, and second of all, no more talking.”

“I can make that decision,” you tease, though you know he’s doing it out of love. “You do. You’re tall and have pretty wavy dark hair and you’re ripped.”

“Missing the blue eyes.”

“I like brown better anyway,” you tell him with a lovestruck smile. You take the last sip of your tea, your eyes falling shut.

Marcus’s love would taste like tea, you think: warm honey, delicate flowers, spiced and flavorful herbs, earthy leaves, bright citrus, and warmth that soothes any ache you can possibly feel.

The weight of your eyelids is growing heavy, and Marcus can tell. “Well, mi amor,” he chuckles and stands. “You look tired.”

For once, you don’t disagree. “I am. I love you.”

“I love you too, sirenita. Let’s get you to bed.” Marcus carries you up the stairs as you nestle into his chest, sighing. There’s nowhere better than here.

-

taglist:

@remmysbounty @mishasminion360 @softly-sad @blo0dangel @binarydanvvers  @sleep-tight1 @apascalrascal @randomness501 @spideysimpossiblegirl @notabotiswear @pedro-pastel @sanchosammy @lv7867 @greeneyedblondie44 @hunnambabe @astoryisaloveaffair @emesispo @pedritobalmando @magikfanatic

[purple-dahlias]

recovering- chapter 2

word count: 1742

trigger warnings: eating disorders, disordered eating, mental health

hello! this is the second chapter of recovering. it’s taken a while (oops) but i hope you enjoy <3

(also chapter 1 can be found here)

The days bleed by, agonisingly slow. Sarah goes about her last days in the emergency department almost completely on autopilot, in a daze. If she had to describe it, it was as though there was a wall separating her from everyone else, everything just felt far-off and somehow muffled. Perhaps it was an overreaction, but things just feel different somehow, ever since match day. Even the way the others behaved towards her.

How Natalie had reacted when Sarah had told her. Polite with her congratulations, but somehow different. Maybe even apologetic, as though she herself had been hoping to be told something different. And maybe Sarah was overanalysing, picking things apart too closely, reading into them when there was nothing to be found. But still. It only contributed towards making her doubts more pronounced, every part of her screaming out: you’ve made a mistake. And how was she supposed to tell anyone that? Especially when she had seemed so dead set on pathology. How was she supposed to turn it around? There was only herself to blame.

None of Sarah’s thoughts do any good for her, and she wishes, oh how she wishes she could turn back time. That feeling, that unhappiness, seeps into every part of her, taking a vice-like hold over her, rooting deep within. This is supposed to be her future, the rest of her life. And already, she’s completely messed things up. So she does what she always does. Retreats into herself.

But it’s on her last day, incidentally the night of her graduation, that things take a turn. Even then, she just can’t let it go. Can’t shake the feeling that she had walked into something so very completely wrong. And where does that land her? The nurses’ station in the PICU, waiting for little Michael’s test results to come back from the labs. Dr Manning had already told her to go, she had a graduation to attend after all, but Sarah couldn’t. She can’t leave now. Not until she knows Michael, lying a few feet away from her in a cot fighting for his life, is going to pull through.

It means she misses her graduation, but what does it matter? Her mother’s not coming. There’s no one else to see her. It’s of no real importance to her, she tells herself. It’s only a ceremony, a formality. She’ll still be a doctor without going. And in any case, it was worth it, because now, now she knew, Michael was going to be okay. The hug she gets, the smile from Doctor Manning, the way she gets be the bearer of good news: there was a happy ending to this story. It was worth it. All of it.

Apart, she remembers, from the fact that this wouldn’t be her life anymore. Today marked the day it was all over.

What should be a momentous occasion almost feels like a cruel joke, opening the box to find her lab coat emblazoned with pathology across the chest. She’d made it, she was Dr Reese now. But it was all just more than a little bittersweet. Even with Ethan, for all his kindness and congratulatory remarks, she can’t find it in her to be completely happy, as she knows she should.

The guilt wells up inside of her, until she can’t quite bare it any longer. Until there’s nothing else for her to do.

It’s a rash decision, one she’s sure will send the others in the ED reeling when they find out. But it’s her only option now, she doesn’t quite know what else to do. And Dr Shore telling her she won’t have a job anymore, well… it’s not like she hadn’t already thought of that.

For the first time in a very long while, Sarah Reese has no plans, no direction. Nothing. And yes, whilst it was a completely self-made problem, it was still more than a little daunting. To have your whole future, which had only moments ago been filled, now completely empty, stark and uninviting. A perfect blank canvas stretching out for miles ahead. No prospects.

One conversation and she’s gone. One conversation and it’s all over. No residency, no reason to stay: as far as she’s aware, there are no other residency posts open at Gaffney. But nowhere to go, either. It’s completely ludicrous, what she’s gone and done. Even if Dr Charles tells her she’s going to be “just fine,” it doesn’t feel that way. Not one bit. In many ways, it’s more like the world has ended for her. And for her, maybe it has.

–

There were not many things that remained constant in Sarah Reese’s life. But one that was, was the only thing that she had left now. And it’s all too easy to collapse into herself, let it fill up the gaping, empty spaces inside of her.

Her apartment seems darker, colder, lonelier these days. Which she knows seems irrational, because physically, nothing had changed inside of it. But it still all just all felt wrong. Like she had stepped into the twilight zone, was living someone else’s life.

She was alone now, completely alone. She knew it was only a matter of time before Joey stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped trying to go and get her to meet him. That was the way. Sarah always pushed everyone away, that was just how it went. Yes, she had been alone before. In grade school, at college, in med school. But this was different. Then, she had been alone but alongside other people, even if it was on the outskirts of their lives, it wasn’t total isolation. This, however: she was an island. A shell of her former self. A shadow, an outline of a person. And it’s an awful thought, but it crosses her mind, more than she’d care to admit. If she died, if anything were to happen to her, would anyone notice; who would care?

“You have nothing,” she says aloud to no one in particular, glancing at her reflection in the mirror, the morning of the fourth day after she had quit pathology. It was all true. What was she to do now? There had always been a goal to work towards. Finish high school. Get into med school. Graduate. Secure a residency post. And now? What was there for her?

Time slips by. Hours, days, and somehow, strangely, weeks, without Sarah quite noticing. What she does with that time, if asked, she would never be able to say. And not for lack of trying—it all just passes in a haze. Her lab coat remains crumpled at the bottom of her bag, stethoscope discarded in a drawer in the living room to gather dust. She won’t be needing either of them. Laundry begins to pile up, but Sarah doesn’t care. All she needs is the blue cotton sweatshirt she’s been wearing for days on end, the fabric softer against her skin, hanging far looser from her frame than it had ever done before. Groceries go neglected, not that she needs much. She finds she can hardly stomach anything much these days, apart from wafer crackers with peanut butter, the occasional bowl of cereal (without milk, of course).

The isolation doesn’t help; it makes everything a thousand times worse, she doesn’t know where to begin. Now there’s completely no one to hide from, no one to pretend for. Things are bad, and Sarah sinks into it. It’s like second skin. There again, there when she was absolutely alone.

When she finally manages to drag herself out from her apartment, summer is well and truly in full swing. She’s taken up long walks, through the parks and the streets of Chicago. Sometimes aimless, sometimes with purpose. Slowly she gets round to groceries, though never quite buying enough. But it’s not as though she uses it all up, anyway. Better to undercut, she thinks. Things seem to last longer these days, anyhow.

By the fourth week, Sarah knows this can’t go on. Her doing nothing. As much as she feels she has no energy, still no direction. Something has to change. In any case, with no job now, she needs to find a way to pay her rent at least.

She must be the most overly qualified barista in all of Chicago, with an MD attached to her name. Not that anyone knows that. Not that any of them would care in the slightest. She’s not so sure she deserves that title anyway, what with the way things turned out. But it feels at least a little better, having something to do, a little more routine, a little more structure to her days. It’s not ideal. No newly graduated doctor wants to be manning a till and serving coffee, but this was her life now. Small, quiet, trimmed down to almost zero people. The only person she still saw from her life Before was Joey. She’s pretty sure he’ll stop coming soon. And she’s right.

The upside, if there is an upside to any of this, is that Sarah Reese has always been good at working with what she had. She was used to getting things done alone, used to her own company, her own thoughts, however awful they might get. Just like in college. And medical school. She had been alone. Been there for herself. Pulled herself along. Her own champion and cheerleader in one. And maybe it hadn’t quite worked out perfectly; she hadn’t quite escaped without the scars, but still. She was here. And that had to count for something, didn’t it?

Sometimes, she thinks that when Will had asked her, she should have said something. What exactly, she doesn’t quite know. But maybe something. Because now, no one notices it happening this time. How groceries stretch further and further. How the gaps between her meals increase and the portion sizes decrease. How the dark circles under her eyes only grow. How she’s now a little more shaky, a little more unsteady. The dogs at the shelter she volunteers at on Saturdays don’t notice. The others on her shift at the coffee shop don’t notice. No one does. And it’s fine, it’s really all fine. Because there’s nothing wrong and Sarah’s never had a problem. Never.

And this is her life now, anyway. Just her, her apartment, the coffee shop a few blocks over and the dog shelter on Saturdays. That was her lot.  

[themadlostgirl]

When It’s Cold (4)

*I reiterate: horny teens are horny and stupid teens are stupid. Short but somewhat smutty chapter ahead.*

~~~

I woke with small relief the next morning to the central heating being turned back on. I swung out of bed and started getting ready for the day. I had half convinced myself that the kiss between Felix and I last night had been a dream. If it had been a dream though it would have ended a lot nicer than it actually had. Maybe with us keeping each other warm in a big cushy bed. But no. Felix had to kiss me and run. Selfish, heart mangling, prick!

After my shower I got dressed and went downstairs to grab some breakfast. What I found in the kitchen was not the cold cereal I had resigned myself to. There was a plate of fresh piping hot waffles, eggs, bacon, toast with butter and jellies, a tall glass of juice, and a warm cup of tea made the way I preferred. Felix was at the sink cleaning the dishes he had used to make this grand breakfast.

“Don’t just gawk at it,” he said over his shoulder, “Sit down and eat before it goes cold.”

“But how did…”

“This is the same time you come down for breakfast everyday.” He answered. “Like I said, don’t stare at it going cold. Eat something.”

“Right,” I picked up a piece of toast to nibble on. “You made all of this for me?”

“Yes,” he nodded, his gaze stuck to the dishes he was washing. “I figured it was the least I could do after yelling at you last night.”

“Wow,” I scoffed, “Didn’t think you’d actually admit it happened. I figured you’d avoid me all day.”

“Something you said last night resonated with me.” He shrugged, “Besides, there’s no use hiding from you since we live together.”

“What’s sparked this sudden change?” I tore into my perfectly fluffy waffles.

“It’s the same reason I came to Storybrooke with you in the first place.” He turned off the water and finally looked at me, “I don’t want to lose you.”

“Felix…”

“Stop staring at me like that.” He groaned. His cheeks were red and I stifled a laugh. “I meant what I said last night...up until I ran away from you that is. And what you said about how we don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks struck a chord with me. There is no one here to judge us. I don’t have to worry that someone may think I’m going soft because I...I…”

“You what?”

“I like you. I really like you. I think I liked you even before we left Neverland. It’s the reason I followed you out here.” A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “You’re fun and funny and smart and fierce. These past several weeks with you have been some of the happiest I’ve ever been simply because you’ve been next to me. I was scared of that feeling but I don’t want to be. I just want you.”

I stood up. Felix was still staring at the ground. “But I was a jerk to you and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore but I wanted to tell you--”

“Felix,” I tilted his head up to look at me, “I like you, idiot.”

“You do?” His eyebrows knit together, “Really? Even after last night?”

“I was prepared to be mad at you today but then you made me a nice breakfast and had an open and sincere conversation with me so I’m feeling forgiving.” I giggled. “Do you want to know how you can make it up to me even more though?”

“How?” He asked, a disbelieving but dorky smile adorning his face.

“Kiss me again.”

Felix closed the distance between us. The kiss was a lot more gentle than last night. When I didn’t push him away he went in for another. His lips softly caressing my own. His hands held my face. The soft short kisses slowly giving way to the passion and heat from last night. We were pulling each other closer. My back was pressed slightly against the countertop keeping me from falling.

We pulled back breathless and smiling. I sat back down to finish my breakfast despite it going cold. A small price to pay for what I got out of it.

For the rest of the day Felix was not far from my reach. Every so often no matter what we were doing he was turning my face to his and kissing me breathless once more. He lavished kisses to my neck as well as my lips. Sucking bruises onto my skin that had me whining and writhing. He was in love with the noises I was making when he kissed my neck so he made sure to do it often.

I tested my own hand at it and Felix damn near broke me in half with how hard he squeezed me when I sucked a bruise onto his neck. I was scared at first that he didn’t like it before he told me to do it again.

All those dirty dreams and lewd fantasies I had been having seemed closer than ever. I wasn’t sure if Felix on the same level as me though. I was ready for him to slam me up against the nearest wall and fuck me senseless this morning and it was only getting worse throughout the day. Sooner or later I was gonna have to woman up and see how he felt about sex but I figured give it a few days before dropping that suggestion. We had just admitted that we liked each other. Christening every inch of his mansion may be a little too much too soon. But god did I want it!

~~~

Felix rode into town on your bike after lunch. He claimed that he needed to pick up an ingredient for dinner but in truth that was just an excuse to burn off some energy and do some secret shopping of his own.

This morning had gone better than he had hoped for. When he decided to make breakfast he thought of it as a peace offering gift. A metaphorical white flag to let you know that he didn’t want to fight with you. Then you two started talking and he started saying things he was planning on saving for when he was more sure he was in your good books again.

But you surprised him. You forgave him. You liked him! You asked him to kiss you. He spent the entire day wrapped in your embrace exploring every inch of skin he felt that he could get away with. He wanted to see more. Do more. Be more for you. Wanted to please you in every way that he could. Ravish you.

When you had sucked that hickey onto his neck he was this close to bending you over the coffee table and fucking the life out of you. But he remained in control. You may have forgiven him and even confessed that you liked him but that didn’t mean you were ready or even willing to let him into your bed. When and if that day ever came though he wanted to be prepared.

He grabbed a few groceries you were running low on as well as a pack of condoms. He had passed by them once or twice on other grocery runs. He knew he was old enough to not have to be embarrassed about it but his cheeks were definitely pink as the cashier lady rung up his items.

When he got home he quickly stashed the box in his bedside drawer and got to making dinner. He had already planned on making your favorite in case breakfast didn’t work out. Now it was just another sign to show you how much he really did care about you. Cause he did. Felix cared about you so much. He wasn’t sure if it was love. He for sure liked you and at this point he called you his best friend but love was something he had never experienced before and he figured it was too soon to call anything between you two love yet.

He loved the way your eyes lit up when he presented dinner to you. You jumped up and down and pulled him down for a quick kiss before sitting down for your meal. The pair of you stayed up longer watching crappy late night TV before you started to nod off. Felix made sure to get you back up to your own room so you could sleep comfortably.

He wanted to give you your space but since confessing how he felt about you he had gotten a little clingy. Night after night of laying alone in his big empty room in his big empty bed he found that he missed. It had only been a couple hours and you were right down the hall and he missed you. He really was gone for you. Just a few days of making out together and he couldn’t stay away from you.

Resigning himself to the fact that he wasn’t going to get much sleep anyways he left his room to go see if you were still awake. There were nights you stayed up late, maybe you would be.

He stopped outside your door. There was no light shining underneath but he thought he could hear you inside. Felix was being a creep. He shouldn’t be out here listening for you just cause he suddenly can’t handle being more than five feet away from you now.

“I am pathetic.” He muttered to himself as he started to shuffle away. Then, out of the stillness of the dark he heard your voice. He went back to the door. Were you awake after all? He pressed his ear to the door trying to hear better.

“Fuck…” he heard your muffled voice, “God--fuck--yes!”

Your voice shot straight to his cock. You were awake and you were moaning.

He should leave. He should really leave. It was inappropriate to come around like a helpless pup in the first place but staying to listen to you moan as you pleasured yourself was the actions of a pervert. Didn’t mean he couldn’t take the memory of those moans back to his own room for his own enjoyment though.

“Fuck, Felix!” You moaned louder and Felix suddenly found himself rooted to his spot.

You were pleasuring yourself whilst thinking about him. You were just beyond this door imagining it was him giving you this pleasure. Felix’s cock was straining against his pajama pants aching to be touched. He wanted to go in there and make whatever dirty fantasies you were envisioning real. He wanted to make you moan louder, scream his name so that everyone in Storybrooke knew who was responsible for making you feel so good. Fuck, he really wanted that.

Walk away.

Walk away.

Walk away!

“Fuck it.” Felix gave in as he braced his back against your door.

He wouldn’t go in. He didn’t want to scare you with his desires no matter how much they seemed to align with your own. But he would indulge in the sweet sounds of your moans even if it did make him feel like a pervert for doing it.

He freed his cock from his pants and closed his eyes as he focused in on your voice. The image of you laying on your bed buck naked and legs spread wide. Your hand between your legs as you pumped your finger in and out. Fuck, the thought that that was really happening just on the other side of this door almost had him cumming right then.

He made the image better though. He imagined his hands between you instead. His fingers working you into this whining mess as you cursed and clenched around him.

“God yes, fuck,” your voice trickled into his ear and he gripped his cock tighter. “Felix, oh god, Felix yes!”

He licked his lips. He could practically smell the arousal on you now. How badly he wanted to taste it. He wanted to hook your legs over his shoulder and devour your cunt. Feel the wet juice trickle down his chin as he ate you out. Your hands in his hair holding him there as he brought you to the edge.

“Fuck me,” Your moans were getting louder, “Oh god, fuck me. Fuck me!”

He would. God he would. He would bury himself in you and never leave. He imagined your cunt wrapped around him. Squeezing the life out of him as he held your hips down and pounded into you. Drawing out those moans and pleas.

“Felix,” Your voice whined, verging on desperate, “Felix, I’m gonna cum!”

Do it. He begged in his mind as he fucked his fist harder. Cum for me!

“Fuck! Felix! Felix!” You practically screamed. Felix brought a hand up to cover his mouth as his own orgasm hit him. He stayed leaning against the door as the euphoria of the moment washed away with the little whimpers of your orgasm beyond the door.

As enjoyable as the experience was in the moment he looked down at the mess on his hands with disappointment. Masturbating to the girl he liked right outside her door. He really was a pervert.

He quickly retreated back to his room. The echoes of your moans still ringing in his ears. He was hard again within seconds. Damn. If this was how he was acting after only hearing your muffled moaning how was he gonna be if he ever got to actually be with you?

---

(Previous) (Next)

[aethelflaedladyofmercia]

The Night the World Didn’t End

This fic was written for @bingokisses - the prompt was “Snuggling” but I got an attack of the sads and the soft angsts.

Ten vignettes looking at what everyone did the night after the Apocalypse.

You can also read on AO3, under my new secondary Pseud: Lady of Prompts.

--

The world hasn’t ended. Or it did, but not quite.

Saturday night, and everything is…thin. Uncertain. As if the universe might realize what had happened and change its mind. All around the world, people feel it, the hesitation, the uncertainty. Humanity can’t quite comprehend what it is, but it’s undeniable.

On a bus rolling slowly towards London, an angel takes a demon’s hand. No words are spoken, but a few kilometers later, the demon’s head falls onto the angel’s shoulder.

And a young boy sits on his bed in Tadfield and worries.

--

At Jasmine Cottage, a battered car rolls to a hesitant stop.

“Well,” Newt begins slowly. “This is it. It was…well, it really wasn’t nice at all. Parts of it were good.”

Anathema says nothing, her eyes still on the charred-black book in her lap.

“You’re not…not planning to live in my passenger seat, are you?” He asks with an awkward smile. It probably isn’t the right time for a joke, but Newt never really notices these things until too late. “Don’t think there’s, you know, space. I put my, uh, my groceries there and…”

Definitely not the time for a joke.

“Do you…” Anathema slowly looks up from the book. Her eyes land on Newt, but her mind is worlds away. “Do you want…to come in?”

He swallows, desperately wishing for a reason to say no, because saying yes is too terrifying. But a good terrifying. “Why?” he finally manages.

“I’m…I’ve never really…decided anything for myself before.” She turns the pages of the book, looking for one that doesn’t crumble to ash. “I don’t know what I want, or…or where I’m supposed to go. But I think…I think…” She looks up again, and this time her eyes hold Newt’s like an official Witchfinder pin. “I think I’d like for you to come in. If…you know…”

He gulps, at a loss for what to say. So he takes her hand.

It makes getting out of the car awkward, but they manage.

--

On the other side of Tadfield, Pepper drops her boots on the porch and heads to her room. She’s never felt this exhausted in her life, and she can’t quite remember why. The whole day is a blur, with some pieces missing - and others in stark, terrifying focus.

When she opens her bedroom door, she finds a mess – and not the mess she’d left this morning. Her comic books are spilled all over, pages wrinkled and ripped out as if struck by a tornado, and her sister sits in the middle of it all.

“I didn’t do it! It was an accident!” She’s been bracing for the argument, but her eyes aren’t defiant, just terrified and full of tears.

Pepper looks around the room. The two sisters have fought every day this summer, name-calling and arguments turning to stolen toys and pulled hair and screams for their mother. They don’t play anymore, or talk, or anything else. The five-year age difference felt insurmountable. 

But tonight...Pepper can’t seem to muster her anger. None of it feels important. She simply pushes the torn comics off her bed and crawls under the duvet.

“Are…are you mad?”

“Too tired.” Tired isn’t the word for it, but Pepper is eleven. She knows a lot of terms, but she doesn’t know how to describe the complete, draining emotional fatigue that comes from meeting a witch, fighting with your best friend, and stopping an apocalypse all between lunch and bedtime. She doesn’t have the energy for another emotion. “We can fight tomorrow. Promise.”

“Alright.” Her sister rests her head on the side of the bed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“I miss you.”

Pepper shuts her eyes, not even sure what to say to that. “Just go to bed. It’s way too late for you.”

“Can I sleep with you?”

“No! What’s wrong with your room?”

“It’s too scary.”

“How can it be scary? It’s your room…” Pepper opens her eyes and meets the tear-filled gaze of her baby sister.

They don’t get along. They have nothing in common. Pepper doesn’t even remember what it feels like to be five-and-a-half. But tonight, she feels very young, and alone, and a little frightened, and perhaps that’s close enough.

“You know what? Fine.” She moves over and folds back the duvet. “Just don’t kick.”

--

The bus rumbles down the road towards London, passing a slow-moving scooter. The scooter has rolled along for hours, and as it crests another hill the speedometer creeps towards 10 mph.

“Can ye not be more careful, ye daft woman?” Shadwell’s arms are wrapped around her waist, holding tight, as if he is afraid to fall.

He isn’t afraid, or at least, not of falling. Parts of the strange day keep drifting back across his mind. He wishes he had a strong cup of tea. He wishes he had something a good deal stronger.

But one thought keeps coming to the fore. He’s spent nearly the whole of his adult life hunting witches, and now that he’s found one, he’s not letting her go.

He hasn’t yet worked out what that means.

“Ah! Look out! Did ye not see that branch in the road?  Yer gonna get both of us killed!”

Madame Tracy pats his hand. She’s been listening to him grumble for over three decades, and has learned which words to listen to. “Just hold tight, Mr. S. We’ll get you home safe in no time.”

--

Back in Tadfield, Brian dumps his bike in the grass and comes inside. He was supposed to be home hours ago. Instead, he’s been making circles through the village, trying to think.

His parents are still on the sofa, his father nearly asleep, his mother switching between three different shows. Waiting for him. When his mother looks up, she isn’t angry, just making a point. We’re up late because you didn’t follow the rules.

Normally, he’d apologize and go to bed.

Tonight, he slides onto the sofa between his parents. It’s a tight fit – Brian is big for his age – but he manages it, his father stirring enough to make room.

Brian leans his head on his mother’s shoulder. “Is this alright?”

“I…yes, it’s fine.” Brian doesn’t cuddle anymore. He outgrew that ages ago. “Did you have a bad day?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you fight with your friends?”

He bites his lip. “Yeah. But. It’s better now. Just don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright then.” She leans closer and kisses his forehead. His father rubs Brian’s hair, as if he was still a little kid. Brian doesn’t mind.

They sit like that a long time, silently together.

--

In London, an International Delivery Man returns home after the longest day of his life. 

He hangs his hat and jacket, moves quietly into the bedroom. Maud is exactly where he left her, lying in bed, hair rumpled. Feeling a sudden urgency, he sits beside her, shakes her awake.

“Mmmh…are you finally home?” She blinks her eyes open. “What time is it? I waited all day.” He can hear the concern in her voice. “Thought something happened. You never even called.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Had an extra pickup to make, and…”

The deliveries, the final message, the strange gap in time and the half-memories that filled it.

“Lesley?” She sits up fully now, putting an arm around him. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

He wants to tell her, but he wouldn’t know where to begin. He feels like everything should be different. Certain things you’re not supposed to live through, you’re not supposed to come back from unchanged. But he doesn’t feel different. Should he?

“Nothing. Sorry I woke you, love. Go back to sleep.”

But Maud knows that look. Knows his brain is still running, that it will be for hours yet. Lesley isn’t usually what you would call a deep thinker, but when he finally catches on something, he has a hard time letting it go.

So she takes his hand. “Do you want to know about my day?”

“Of course.”

Maud settles against him, with the familiar comfort of many decades of marriage, and explains all about the sales at the shop, and the unexpected weather, and her hunt for an umbrella.

--

The bus finally arrives in London, dropping off its last two passengers. They lean against each other as they walk, arms around waists, holding each other upright.

A few minutes later, the driver - dazed and uncertain why he drove all this way - finds the reservation confirmation for one night at one of the city’s finest luxury hotels, and a rather large meal voucher.

He barely uses the room.

Many of the guests have gathered in the hotel bar, long past the time it usually empties. It’s a subdued affair, fewer drinks than one might expect, quiet conversation. Just little groups of strangers, sharing their stories.

The other guests have paid more on this trip to London than the bus driver earns in a month. 

He sits at the bar, glass in hand, trying to decide who to approach and how. The bartender sees him hesitating, and moves closer. “Strange night,” she says, restacking glasses behind the counter. 

“Should have stayed in my room,” the driver says sourly. “But, dunno. It was too quiet.”

“Not the only one who feels that way.” She nods to a nearby group. “Normally would have kicked them all out by now but...just doesn’t feel right.”

“Hope they pay you enough for this.” The driver hasn’t even checked the fuel in the bus, but no doubt the difference will come out of his paycheck.[1]

“Well enough,” the bartender says, then lowers her voice. “But I might be taking some sick time next week. Head up to Kingham to see my folks.”

The driver blinks. “You’re from Kingham? Out by Chipping Norton?”

“Yeah. Heard of it?”

“Heard of it? I’m from Churchill.”

The bartender laughs, leaning on the counter. “What are the odds of that? What brings you down to London?”

“I haven’t the first idea.” The driver takes a drink, smiling. It feels nice to meet someone from his part of the world, a glimmer of familiarity amidst all this strangeness. “How about you?”

“Bit of a long story.”

The driver glances at the milling crowd, no sign of breaking up any time soon. “We’ve got time.”

--

In the Wensleydale household, the parents have long since gone to bed. But their son sits in the kitchen with the telephone and a list of names and phone numbers. He’s been working his way through it all night.

Most of the numbers are unfamiliar. Family and friends you see at Christmas, talk with, exchange sweaters and fruitcakes, and never really think of again for another year. People you have known your whole life, but never really speak to.

He listens to the phone ring, until someone picks up.

“Hello? Aunt Ethel?” He pauses. “It’s Wensley – Jeremy Wensleydale.” Odd. He’s used his full name more times tonight than he has in a year. It occurs to him that he might not like it.

He’s not quite sure what to make of that, what it might mean. But it isn’t important just yet.

“Yes, it has been a while,” he agrees. “I’m sorry to call so late, but I wanted to tell you, I really did like that book you got me for Christmas. It’s not the kind I usually read,” he adds, scrupulously honest, “but father said I should give it a try, and it really was quite interesting.”

Another pause.

“You’re welcome. How have you been?” His smile falls. “Oh. I’m sorry. How long were you in hospital?” He listens a little while longer. “That sounds serious.”

Wensley doesn’t know much about medicine. He likes science well enough, but his interests don’t lie that way. He is, however, more astute than most people think. He knows when someone’s upset, even when they try to hide it. He knows when someone wants to keep talking, but doesn't want to be a bother.

He’s felt these things himself.

“Actually, I’d quite like to hear more about the table tennis. I’ve only ever seen it on television, but it seems interesting. Did everyone at the hospital play?”

He sets down his pencil and puts the list aside. He knows if he stops to talk to everyone like this, it will take all night. But he doesn’t mind. Sometimes it feels good just to talk.

--

In a hotel near the airport, Harriet Dowling pauses on the way to bed, hearing the distinctive sound of a young boy trying not to cry.

She hesitates outside his door for a long time. It’s easier to get a nanny for these things. Nannies are trained, they know what to say. No one ever taught Harriet how to be a mother.

But, finally, she pushes the door open. “Warlock? Are you…do you need anything?”

“Shut up,” he snaps, sniffling in the dark. “Go away. I’m fine.”

Should she do what he says? Should she push back? “Honey…I know you aren’t fine. You can tell me. What’s wrong?”

“What do you think is wrong? I don’t want to go to – to stupid America. I want to go back to London, I want to see my friends again!”

“Warlock—”

“I want my Nanny!”

Silence fills the room.

“Warlock. Nanny is gone.” She hears him flump down angrily in the bed. Cautiously, Harriet steps forward, closing the distance. “I wish she wasn’t. She was a model employee, but she had to…” Her brain scrambles for a moment, unable to remember the circumstances of Nanny Ashtoreth’s departure. “She had to go home.” That seemed right.

“Why does everyone have to leave? Why does everything have to change?”

“I…that’s just how life is, Warlock.” No, that tone is all wrong. She tries again, softer. “Things never stop changing. We just…we do the best we can. We make mistakes, we adapt, we keep going.” She sinks onto the edge of the bed. “I know you miss Nanny. I miss her, too. She…she took good care of you, and I’m so grateful for that.”

“She cared about me,” Warlock snaps, accusing.

“I care about you, I’m your mother—” She takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I love you, Warlock, and…if you don’t know that, it’s my fault.” Harriet turns away, trying to hide her tears. “I wish she was here, too, but, well…it’s just me. But I’ll do my best.”

She doesn’t know what to say next, but Warlock grabs her, clings to her, cries into her shoulder like he hasn’t in years. Harriet feels the familiar wave of panic, and the ache, the need to find someone who can help her child.

But there isn’t anyone left but her.

So, uncertain, she puts her arms around her son. “It’s ok, Warlock. We’ll get through this. We’ll…we’ll find a way.”

--

The angel and demon don’t speak as they walk through the apartment, settle into bed. After six thousand years, some things don’t need to be said.

They reach out in the darkness, drawn together, warmth seeking warmth. Every touch of skin on skin is a comfort, a sign that nothing has ended yet, that the world continues to turn. They hold each other silently, pulling close, closer, as if trying to become one being.

The world around them trembles, and they feel every aftershock.

“Do you think they’ll be alright?” Aziraphale wonders, lifting his face from where it rests on Crowley’s shoulder.

“Who?” Crowley clings to Aziraphale, as if to absorb his strength, as if the angel were the last solid object in the world.

“Everyone. The humans. Earth.” When he sighs, the breath is hot on Crowley’s cheek. “If something happens to us, will they be alright?”

“Dunno. Not really up to us anymore, is it? You do your best, take care of them, send them out to live their lives, and just hope it all works out.”

Aziraphale nods, but he doesn’t feel any better. “They aren’t bad, you know. The humans. Yes they can be cruel and - and cold, and they’ve made mistakes but every one of them is capable of so much kindness. So much love. They just – they need—”

“I know.” Crowley runs a hand across his cheek. “If anyone knows, it’s me. And...yeah. I think they’re going to be fine.”

The angel pulls closer, burrowing against Crowley’s chest until he can hear his heartbeat, feel the rise and fall of every breath.

“But nothing’s going to happen to us, right?” The demon’s voice is as enthusiastic as he can make it, his fingers gently stroking through silver curls. “We’ll get out of this. We’ll be back. And then we’ll be able to do whatever the Heaven we want.”

“Ah.” Aziraphale watches his fingers curl along Crowley’s bicep. “Together?”

After six thousand years, it’s good to hear certain things out loud.

“Yeah. Together.”

--

Adam sits alone in bed, except for Dog, crouched by his feet and watching attentively. The boy moves now and then, reaching out a hand to scratch Dog’s head, but never opens his eyes. 

At the airbase he could see it. Could feel it. The world had gone wrong, very wrong; all day, all week. Some of the wrongness went all the way back to when he was born.

There’s no way to fix it all, no way to find every thread and put it back in place. That just disturbed other strands, and others, and others. And every one of those threads is a life.

Still, he keeps reaching.

A delivery man, safely home with his wife.

A telemarketer, waking confused from a terrible dream full of maggots and screaming, and a young child’s voice telling her she really ought to find another job. Tricking people into buying stuff is no good.

An ex-nun who didn’t deserve to have her business taken away over a misunderstanding with some guns.

A thousand people who’d been blasted with demonic power when they’d simply wanted to go for a drive.

One very loyal car.

Adam can’t put everything right. It’s too big a job, even for an Antichrist, and in any case who’s he to say what right is?

But he will fix what he can fix, and trust humanity to figure out the rest.

So, all through the night, Adam works; and all around the world, people hold each other a little closer, feeling afraid, feeling hopeful. Feeling loved.

[1]It won’t. The bus’s tank is full, and will remain so on the drive back. A miracle, but the sort that usually goes unnoticed.

--

Thank you all for reading!

[swagpeachperfection]

Here is my in-depth The Smoothie Diet review. I hope most of the people reading this can relate me along with me! From my childhood itself, I was a bit chubby, but that I found cute and never cared off. After that, I joined my college and my lifestyle changed drastically. Staying awake late nights, eating unhealthy junk foods.

Late-night study during the examinations, all these habits led me to put on weights. More weight. But I hardly cared. After my graduation, like most people, I too have desk work. After our office, we hardly get any time or energy left with going to any fitness regime.

The Smoothie Diet Review: 21-Day Smoothie Diet Plan For Weight Loss!

Munching on fast foods as they are easily available and cheaper. People never realize things until they experience things. Once I went for a regular checkup, and I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and other severe chronic diseases. Now my life was at stake. And that’s when I realized I need to gear up and went through various articles and found The Smoothie Diet review.

Most of the diets followed starving, which I knew would lead me to eat more foods on the very next meal. But somehow while going through the internet I found this weird diet, which provided you with the daily vitamins and minerals you require, without involving cooking or other stuff- yes! The smoothie diet pdf. It may sound weird, but yes it really works.! Let us discuss more in The Smoothie Diet review.

==> Download The Smoothie Diet Program

About The Smoothie Diet Program

This is a type of food habit which really works for people who want to start their weight loss journey in a healthy manner. It works mainly for the people who are occupied in a busy schedule and face problems in preparing everyday meals. In The Smoothie Diet diet plan, you replace two of your main meals, preferably breakfast and lunch with smoothies.

The third meal you can have solid food, but keep in mind to have a lower calorie food. Scouts also allow a “cheat meal” every week, but only a few recommended ones, mentioned in The Smoothie Diet e-book. The Smoothie Diet is a 21-day cycle, power-packed with nutrition and vitamins and you can follow anytime you want to shed some pounds.

The ingredients of the smoothies may vary, mainly depending on fruits, vegetables, protein, and few healthy fats. Follow the recipes in the e-book to prepare your solid meal food. The meal should not be high in calories or else it not come up with the desired results. The Smoothie Diet guide also helps you with some high-fiber snacks and low sugar options.

The Smoothie Diet review contains two plans. The first one — “The Detox plan”, where you replace all your three main meals with healthy smoothies which keep you feel fullness all day long.

Another plan includes the 21-day plan where you replace two meals with a smoothie and have one solid food with a few snacking.

You can also modify sometimes, following a “flex day”- where you have a smoothie followed by two meals. But The Smoothie Diet pdf is not recommended for people having food allergies. So consult a doctor or get a regular checkup before starting a Smoothie diet for weight loss.

The Smoothie Diet Manufacturer

The Smoothie Diet Pdf was created by Drew Sgoutas, a certified Nutrition Expert and Health Coach. He believes in home cooking with all the real ingredients. He is the one who throws his heart and soul into success. And that what led to this revolutionary diet The Smoothie Diet program.

Pros and Cons of The Smoothie Diet Ebook

Pros

The Smoothie Diet involves having smoothies, which are mainly from fruits and veggies. They are usually low in calories and provide you with the daily phytonutrients, being a part of your healthy diet.

l Less counting on calories

As per The Smoothie Diet review, Most of the famous diets and weight loss programs count on calories. But as we are aware that fruits and veggies are lower in calories, you don’t need to get involved in counting the calories all day long. The recipes provided in the Smoothie Diet for weight loss program don’t involve much decision-making process which is an added advantage for all working people.

l Go easy with the shopping

This three-week diet plan covers the shopping list every week at the starting itself. The diet plan contains a broken-down shopping list helping you in your shopping. This makes your grocery store visit much easier during this 21-day smoothie diet plan. Apart from the above-mentioned pros, there are various studies showing the effectiveness and sustainability of the diet plan.

Cons

l Maintaining the micro-nutrients

Most of the smoothies have their calories from carbohydrates, and very little protein and fats. It is recommended to have a protein intake of at least 50 grams daily to maintain a healthy lifestyle. So the Smoothie Diet recommends getting the daily need from the snacks. Go through The Smoothie Diet review thoroughly before following the plan, or you may fall out. If you are replacing your meals with these smoothies make sure to get your fats and proteins. Try to add some chia seeds and flax seeds. They help to thicken up your smoothies as well as provide you with essential micronutrients. Get a good source of lean protein, those help you to build muscle, helping you to maintain a higher metabolism. Having various nuts and seeds in the snack may do the trick.

l High Sugar Content

This 21-day Smoothie diet contains a lot of fruits. Fruits are known to the natural source of sugars. There are many smoothies that call for the addition of honey and another sugar substitute, which only adds calories to them. So all these are not recommended to people having medical problems. A peanut butter smoothie is a healthy option as it’s protein-rich with no added sugars. Some of the smoothies are too thick to drink, so most people add juices to thin them down. But avoid doing so, rather add water to make it dilute or ice can be an alternative to thicken them up. Get the right amount of thickness without adding more calories by switching to alternatives.

l Time- taking

If you are staying at home, then making two smoothies can be a bit less pain in the ass, still cleaning up the bender each time you have one. And as a working professional. Having a smoothie in your breakfast is pretty easy, but what about lunch? You cannot have all the necessary ingredients when you are away from home. Right?

l Fails in the long run

When you start the Smoothie Diet, your body goes through a drastic change in cutting down the calories. As vegetables and fruits are lower in calories and also devoid of the essential proteins and healthy fats. Replacing solid meals with liquids may help you at the beginning and you may see noticeable results, but when you start getting into your previous daily diets, you tend to get weight again. So The Smoothie Diet e-book and The Smoothie Diet review suggest following the diet frequently, which is not always a healthy option.

Why The Smoothie Diet book is Useful, Is it a Scam?

Not only for weight loss. Your body sometimes requires detoxification. This 21-day smoothie diet plan will help you to follow a detox plan, removing all the impurities from your body. You feel light and energetic restoring all the lost minerals and vitamins.

It does no harm to your body. They are lesser in calories. Ramp them up with protein and healthy fats making them tasty as well as to get the added benefits from it.

The Smoothie Diet User reviews 2021

While surfing the internet, you will get a number of The Smoothie Diet customer reviews who received benefits following the diet. Not this, The Smoothie Diet ebook provides you with various case studies of the people following the diet plan and getting unexpected results.

==> Download The Smoothie Diet Program

The Smoothie Diet Reviews — Final Verdict

The Smoothie Diet ebook provides you with numerous recipes, but to see results you need to maintain the proportions. Make your habit to have a healthy smoothie once a day in the long run. Try to tally the calorie count and know how much you need to consume in every meal, The Smoothie Diet will save you from all the common weight loss mistakes.

Use strawberries, blueberries, and apples in your smoothies. They are rich in antioxidants. Try to have smoothies as well, including spinach and kale. They are rich in minerals, vitamins, and potassium as well. To make your smoothie thick try using ice. If you are a peanut butter lover, go for the powdered one, avoid the creamy spread. And for natural sweeteners add mangoes or bananas, The Smoothie Diet will keep you away from the extra fats and artificial sugar.

Last not, whether you want to lose weight, or just want to follow a healthy lifestyle. Download now, The Smoothie Diet pdf and ebook, and head toward the kitchen. The Smoothie Diet is not a scam, try it today and share your The Smoothie Diet review along with us! Happy dieting!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

What is The Smoothie Diet?

It was a 21-day smoothie diet is an e-book prepared by Drew Sgoutas which contains a schedule and recipes for three weeks instructing what smoothies to be taken for each day.

Does The Smoothie Diet program good for weight loss?

This diet will help you shed approximately 2 or 3 pounds per week. You should expect to get rid of up to 50–70 pounds if you repeat this diet plan several times.

Are there any side effects by using The Smoothie Diet program?

No need to worry about any kind of side effects from the smoothie diet. Because there are no recorded side effects of the 21-day smoothie diet as it is prepared at home and is completely natural.

Why The Smoothie Diet is useful?

This program is not only for weight loss, but it will also help you to follow a detox plan, removing all the impurities from your body. You feel light and energetic restoring all the lost minerals and vitamins.

Who was the creator of The Smoothie Diet program?

The smoothie diet was created by Drew Sgoutas, a certified Nutrition Expert and Health Coach.

==> Download The Smoothie Diet Program

[dearmrsawyer]

ok i am trying to just kick my own butt into gear today, everything is A LOT and i have responded to this by doing as little as one can as a physical form in the world. but i’m taking inspiration from myself because this week i successfully purchased a couple of bookcases off Gumtree (which i think is like craigslist??) and also organised for them to be transported here from Sydney by finding someone on Airtasker, and i’ve never used either of those sites before and found it all quite daunting to liaise with multiple people to get it done, but i DID it, and the bookcases arrived this morning! and SO if i could do that then i can get it together. 

i went for my lunchtime walk three days this week. the temperature is dropping but its so pleasant out in the sun, i just bought a light cardigan because its really breezy by the lake. i haven’t been doing nighttime yoga but i probably won’t, its too hard to motivate myself once the cold nights have started, maybe wherever we move won’t be such a cold house and i can try then. 

one of the areas i’m really not going well in atm is food, like i am just not preparing or planning, and whenever i talk myself into shopping i don’t prepare a list so i can’t figure out what to get and just come home with like, tomatoes and milk dfjkdk usually i’m good at improvising grocery shopping once i’m there but obviously i do not have the mental capacity for it atm! even on days i work at campus i don’t prepare anything and have to duck out in the middle of the day to buy a prepacked salad or something, and i’m not someone who buys lunch. i always always bring my own food. SO on Wednesday i forced myself to go through my recipe book and pick a few things to make over the next days of days, and wrote a very meticulous list of what i’d need, and then went shopping yesterday. Either today or this weekend i will make:

Lentil soup. My brother bought some potatoes that i don’t think he’s going to use, so i bought some lentils and will make a soup. Its such a good meal to have on hand when you have no food energy.

I bought some kale to add to the soup, but i’m going to blanch and freeze the rest of it bc its too much. I need to do this today. (Why do they only sell leafy greens by the barrel, i don’t understand who can use that much)

I made a banana bread last weekend that was SO good and i’m not sure how lol. I didn’t even stick to the recipe, which is usually pretty important when using gluten free flours, i threw in all kinds of flours that need to be used up and it turned out amazing??? I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth, and will make it again as soon as the bananas i bought are ripe enough.

Need to soak some beans. I’m still working my way through all the dried beans i bought a year ago when the panic buying happened early in the pandemic LOL. Thinking i might make quesadillas?? I can use some more kale, i also have so many gluten free tortillas, i don’t know why i have so many??

More houses to see tomorrow. and zouisfest sign ups open in a couple of days, so i need to write as much of my nouis draft as i can before then.

[sosodelicate]

I wanted to celebrate being alive momentarily this weekend, but one thing I noticed over this weekend left me wondering if the only value people have found in me is fucking me, or using me to clean and cook or labor in some manner for them.

I do not have the time/energy to cook, clean, take care of myself, work, run errands, & support my family all in the same day. Quite honestly I don’t feel like I will ever be enough to make the people I love happy. I don’t have the energy to do all the tasks I need to do without getting burned out, or if I run all the errands and complete tasks then I don’t have the energy to take care of myself. & every time I fail to do one of things then I feel worse about myself, but no one else is helping with these tasks daily currently so it’s quickly becoming overwhelming.

I swear I’m trying, but I can’t keep going indefinitely without help. It’d be a whole other thing if it was my housemates/partner asking me for help with things going on, but Im being expected to clean everything and cook meals and shop and be nice and work full time and everything with help from my partner on one or two days. Since I haven’t been able to cook after work/cleaning/picking up we’re buying take out a lot lately. Even though eating out was partially planned (it was just my birthday, & I took time off for it) it was more times than we had planned. I had offered to cook three meals last week (planned dinners out the rest of the time off), but they only let me cook once. Even though we bought ingredients for specific meals when we went grocery shopping, I was told not to make that because the other person in the house is picky- so we ate out. I just had it thrown in my face that I only cooked once since we went grocery shopping/my in-law left for visiting her family. I’m so exhausted, and everything I try isn’t good enough, and everything I don’t get to makes me a failure or lazy to everyone. I cant tell anymore if Im fucking up so badly all the time or if this isn’t right for people to react the way they do with me. I know Im not perfect but fuck I don’t want to be expected to do more just because I make less money than other people or I have a womb or whatever the reason is

I cannot be responsible for myself as is, let alone the pressure of being expected to pick up after/take care of other adults. I’ve been trying for the last gods forsaken year to not hospitalize myself because of the pandemic and concerns about getting sick because of being hospitalized. but as I’ve been vaccinated and I keep dealing with being expected to clean, cook, & work on days that I can barely manage to get out of bed or shower for less than an hour… I might. There have been safety concerns for a few years now (suicidal ideations, self harm) ; therapy, medications, coping mechanisms, etc havent helped. I feel like I need more, or something else. I can’t handle what I have going on already, and more keeps coming. The more keeps coming the more I feel myself breaking. I cannot handle the things I used to be able, I can no longer manage stress as well (wasnt ever great tbh). I just feel like a worthless piece of shit, & my family would be better off without me making things worse for them.

[consumedkings-archive]

Ultimate OTP Meme

i’m doing this because @baeogorath told me they would sue me for emotional damages if i did so take some cora/elliot content (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿) softness under the cut and also red i hope u rue the day u told me not to do something

General

Rate the Ship: Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? ○  until the bleak, cold, black end, because elliot is a Lifetime Bitch

How quickly did/will they fall in love? ○ immediately upon laying eyes on each other beating the shit out of people

How was their first kiss? ○  shy, but cute. they’re soft only for each other and the chemistry was impeccable

Wedding

Who proposed? ○  elliot; her love language is gift-giving and with her bad experience with marriage, the ULTIMATE devotion and gift to give is marriage.

Who is the best man/men? ○  joey hudson for sure

Who is the bride’s maid(s)? ○  as red mentioned before, sharky would be furious if he wasn’t the maid of honor so of course elliot would uphold that

Who did the most planning? ○  elliot; cora would spent .000005 seconds about to say how she doesn’t want to do it and elliot would IMMEDIATELY take full reign

Who stressed the most? ○  i’m going to say cora just based off of red’s prev. answer--elliot doesn’t stress once she’s there and cora gets cold feet : ‘ )

How fancy was the ceremony? Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. scarlet honeysett 1.) supports the marriage and 2.) would never let her daughter have anything less than a near-immaculate wedding, but elliot would try and reign her in.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? ○  i want to say john but i know that elliot and cora would send him an invite out of pure, unadulterated cruelty. so probably only joseph.

Sex

Who is on top? ○  definitely cora. elliot feels comfy enough around her to let go of some of that control.

Who is the one to instigate things? ○  probably elliot; she’s pretty touchy-feely when she’s happy

How healthy is their sex life? Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now don’t @ me red you know it’s the truth

How kinky are they? Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head you bet your ass that since elliot likes cora being in control it happens

How long do they normally last? ○  elliot likes to take her time; she doesn’t like to rush through things, whereas cora is a very busy, so it’s somewhere in-between. elliot probably gets her to slow it down a little more often than not when she’s feeling particularly needy.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? ○  bruh you know elliot ain’t out here keeping track, as long as they’re both happy

How rough are they in bed? Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. elliot is a sucker for pain

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory. with cora, elliot loves softer moments; being held etc, the number would probably be higher if cora wasn’t so resistant to being vulnerable

Children

How many children will they have naturally? ○  MANY dog children, at least one horse, if cora lets her elliot would have a whole gaggle of chickens

How many children will they adopt? ○  elliot is absolutely terrified of having kids because her own mother was such a failure, so like??? how would she know how to be a mom. but she’d do it if cora asked, maybe like just one.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? ○  they’re pretty equal on sharing child duties.

Who is the stricter parent? ○  probably cora; elliot is a flower-child at heart and likes to be the cool, fun parent, whereas cora provides the structure.

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? ○  both of them, but mostly cora. elliot cannot be allowed to participate in truth or dare because she has no regard for her own safety, but she’s a worrying parent.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? ○  elliot!

Who is the more loved parent? ○  elliot will say both of them, but she’s so soft and prone to hugs/arts and crafts projects that it might be her, though it’s VERY close.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? ○  both of them. elliot is hugely intense about PTA--not necessarily being a participant in events, but making sure her kids are getting a fair shake. she’s easily tiger mom and cora has probably had to intervene in elliot popping off on another parent more than once.

Who cried the most at graduation? ○  definitely el; she’s v v soft.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? ○  again, el. cora’s more of a hardass than she is and she’s always thinking back on the days SHE used to get in trouble, so she likes to give them some wiggle room.

Cooking

Who does the most cooking? ○  el, but she shouldn’t be.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? ○  elliot. she’s weird about her food, cora will eat just about anything.

Who does the grocery shopping? ○  agaaaaaain elliot. cora would live entirely off of the green planet earth if she had it her way, but elliot needs things to make lemon bars and big batches of soup.

How often do they bake desserts? ○  the one good thing el’s mom ever did for her was give her the lemon bars recipe, so frequently. and baking is a de-stresser for elliot.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? ○   cora is a big meat eater, elliot is definitely more of a salad eater. this means every meal is both things and that whatever one doesn’t eat, the other will finish off.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? ○  probably cora; elliot is a bit scatter-brained when it comes to anniversaries and she doesn’t think very highly of them anyway and no matter what it is, elliot adores it.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? ○  cora. el is a big homebody and doesn’t like going out if she can help it.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? ○  cora, although elliot is not far behind.

Chores

Who cleans the room? ○  el; she’s a big tidier. consistently, throughout the day, definitely not a compulsion

Who is really against chores? ○  cora, which is fine because elliot has a specific place she likes everything to be anyway.

Who cleans up after the pets? ○  elliot.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? ○  cora.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? ○  cora, because she’s so worried about get picked apart by guests. elliot is used to it thanks to her mom, so she always gives cora a big pep talk prior.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? ○  cora. the couch is the one place elliot doesn’t like to go.

Misc.

Who takes the longer showers/baths? ○  cora, but elliot will join her as often as she can to maximize hot water.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? ○  elliot, like clockwork, because she can’t stand the dogs spending all day with nervous/frantic dog energy.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? ○  cora likes to decorate fervently, elliot likes to neurotically take them down.

What are their goals for the relationship? ○  elliot is a big romance softie; she saw cora bash a man’s face in and it was true love, and she feels safe with cora which she doesn’t feel that way hardly ever. being stuck in constant fight or flight means cora gives her a sense of stability and stops her from second-guessing herself. i think cora probably just likes that elliot is so soft and also so willing to beat the shit out of someone for her.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? ○  cora. elliot wakes up at 7 at the latest.

Who plays the most pranks? ○ if any, probably cora; elliot is not a prankster and her idea of a joke is surprising her with a kiss or something. 

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

yes i did this during my lunch break (and in english)

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Mm, if not lifelong than like a good amount of years. They occasionally also see other people though (poly coded)

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - T had to think about actually dating Klaus before getting into it. She looked into his past, everything. She didn’t want to be hurt. Klaus, however was like “mm, personality, shes pretty, smart, im in.”

How was their first kiss? - It was pleasant, it was random, after T met Klaus’ siblings. It wasn’t out of nowhere, but she was like :Thank you for introducing me to your broken family. *smooch*”Casual, but not casual.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Klaus did. It wasn’t big either, he was just like “do weddings appeal to you?” and she’s always been on the fence about getting married, but she figured to might as well do it.

Who is the best man/men? - Klaus had Diego as his best man actually.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - T had her mom as her maid of honor.

Who did the most planning? - They both did equal planning. They’d talk it over and everything, but T likes to have everything exact, so she looked over everything, over and over until she found it fine enough.

Who stressed the most? - Klaus, actually. T enjoys putting things in order, and planning, but Klaus was worried about how everything would go. He wanted to make sure everything went right, and that most of all, T was happy.

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.  It was a forest wedding, so kinda big, but small enough as to where it felt special.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding?- Anyone that even remotely made T feel uncomfortable. If they were gonna cause issues, they can do it elsewhere. The trees didn’t want to hear arguing. (her one aunt who didn’t want her marrying a white man)

Sex:

Who is on top? - Topazi Um, they’re both switches, but it honestly depends on the mood. If one of them had a rough day, then the other would be the top. 

Who is the one to instigate things? - Either of them, it depends.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now. One look and the clothes are off (or on they’re kinky fucks)

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head. T’s fairly kinky, and so is Klaus, so they combine it to create just *sighs*. Their closets have a specific section for sex toys, spicy clothes.

How long do they normally last? - It depends. If they start when they’re high energy, it’ll be for longer, but if it’s later in the day, or after work, it’s for less time. an hour or so.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Mm, sometimes. If T gets frustrated with herself, and she might be in a bit of a tizzy, Klaus’ll step in and she’ll focus on his pleasure instead of her own. But T usually has more than Klaus, usually 2 more.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. If the mood calls for it, Topazi won’t hesitate to absolutely ruin Klaus. She really likes it rough, and so does Klaus, but they like being gentle every now and then.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory. T is touch oriented, and rarely ever doesn’t want to be touched in some way. She wants all of the hugs during aftercare, and Klaus is very happy to give it to her.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - None. T thought about having kids, but she doesn’t trust her body, or herself, so she just doesn’t do it.

How many children will they adopt? - They have pets. (a snake and two kitties)

Who is the stricter parent? - T. She’ll be like “Miko, I told you not to jump off the counter.” but Klaus is like “let him be, he’s just a little shaken up.” but no like water bottles, just a mild scolding.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - T used to do a lot of cooking, but Klaus also tag teams her. Especially if it’s a huge meal. 

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Klaus won’t do oatmeal, or anything mushy. But T is like “if this even looks wrong, I’m not eating it.” It doesn’t matter who cooks it though, she’ll eat from anyone, but if something looks or tastes different than how she’s used to eating it, she’ll eat some out of respect, but in the end may just get more safe things like water, fruit etc. 

Who does the grocery shopping? - Both of them. T writes the list (bc she’s very detailed), and they both get half of the list and tag-team. But T has told Klaus what’s safe, what’s not, all that. 

How often do they bake desserts? - Almost every weekend. They’re both a bit impulsive, Klaus more than T, so they have an entire fridge dedicated to baking items.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - T rarely ever eats red meat, and Klaus’ll eat anything, so it’s a big mix between the two of them. She tries to get everything balanced, then she gets cravings and everything is thrown out of the window.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Klaus. He likes repaying T, and whenever T tries to do something nice, something pops up and she can’t. It’s also best for him to do tiny things, not big things, so she doesn’t feel like it’s a competition between the two of them. 

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Klaus. Topazi wants to go out and everything, and she’s impulsive, but never really does anything about it.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Klaus because he almost fucked the kitchen up when he was high and forgot to put his blunt out (the paper towels caught fire, yada yada)

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - T does a lot of cleaning. Not that she feels like she has to, she just enjoys it, plus it gives her a sense of completion.

Who is really against chores? - Klaus sometimes. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, they usually just creep up on him when he really doesn’t want to do them.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Both of them do it equally. Klaus moreso than T though, because one wrong inhale and she’s ill.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Klaus. He can forget about something and it’s just gone. His object permanence is shitty.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Neither of them. T likes company, and people over, but she does try to make sure no naughty things are left out for people to see.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - T almost threw it away, (it was balled up), but she was like “hmm my brain is trying to tell me something” so she was like “oh hells yeah money”

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Depends, but mostly Klaus, because he does his thinking in the shower (like his dad). T, however, knows she’s gonna look like a fucking cherry when she gets out, and she needs to keep her skin not flaky.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Um-. If they had a dog, it would be either one of them, but Klaus more often than T, because when she’s painting or gardening, she can’t be bothered to focus on anything other than what she’s doing at that moment.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Very lack-luster. For xmas, they have a tree, but T puts stupid shit around the house. For Easter, she painted an egg pink and labeled it as “the easter bunny’s left testicle” and for Halloween, they have a spooky corner. She can’t do pranks though, she understands them, but she’ll scream then immediately kick to defend herself.

What are their goals for the relationship? - T wants to enjoy what life she has with Klaus. She just wants someone to love her and keep her company.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Both of them. Topazi likes cuddles, and sometimes the sleep is so good you have to just stay down. Plus, she’s her own boss, and their animals are smarter than they initially thought, but if she hears the fucking snake tank open, her eyes are wide fucking open. 

Who plays the most pranks? - Even though she gets a bit frustrated from them, T likes to do cute pranks. You know those toys that you throw and they stick to something, she’ll do those. And Klaus throws like sticky tack at the wall. Those she can handle. But she doesn’t understand the purpose of someone fake sneezing on her. (like me, please dont do that shit, i dont like it)

[matildainmotion]

Extreme Times, Transitions and Your Extreme Powers for 2021

This time last year I wrote a piece entitled ‘An Encouraging Blog about Despair’ – this was in early January, before the pandemic. My son loves that moment in a story when someone says, “Well, at least things can’t get any worse,” and then, right on cue, a whole lot of worse-ness happens. This year I am not going to attempt to be encouraging – I think we need something else, to match the gravity and uncertainty of the times, that recognises all the worse-ness that has happened. But what? Right now I am not sure. Let me see if I can write my way to find it.

The thing that has saved my sanity through the year has been the working on and writing of a novel. It has kept me sane but also driven me mad, but at least it has been my madness, of my own making as opposed to the world’s. It has been astonishingly difficult. Often, I have felt more articulate about the toughness of the process, than about the story I am trying to tell. The images I have used to describe it have included marathon running, mountaineering, white-water rafting and tightrope walking. I am struck by the extremity of these metaphors. I have done none of these things in real life, and yet I have had a visceral sense of their accuracy. Most of my writing has taken place where I am now, crouched on the children’s bedroom floor. I do not look like I am engaged in anything wild or dangerous, but I like the idea that both my making and my mothering – activities that are often seen as domestic, docile – are in fact extreme sports. 

Photo credit: Viola Depcik, as part of the online exhibition: Portraits in Motherhood and Making during lockdown.

For now, I have come off the mountain of the book. Come January I will set about editing it – an attempt to turn the manuscript into something someone might actually want to read. This morning, I am in a moment of transition. What to write in the dark bedroom, before the children wake? Christmas wish lists and new year’s resolutions are the traditional seasonal texts, but I notice I have two counter impulses to these – two very different lists I want to write. 

The first is not a wish list, but a list of the unwished-for. A backwards-looking list of some of the worse-ness of the year, not as a plea for sympathy, empathy, not out of a need to confess, or because I am looking for advice, but because it feels important to name it. In these last months, on those precious trips out of the house, I have had many two-metres-apart exchanges of the “How are you doing?” kind. “Okay. We’re surviving,” I reply, and then come away, with my groceries in hand, my mask hanging round my neck, feeling desolate, surprised that I should feel it so deeply, when I was not expecting any more from the exchange. I think it is because I want to lay bare the utter ugliness of the year, like when you pull the fridge out and expose the amazing accumulation of dirt underneath. I know that we have been lucky, so when I list some of our un-wished for times, I do it in full recognition that others have had it worse, much worse. 

Here is a selection of my unwished-for list:

Easter – everyone in the house either shouting or crying or both. Still ill. My husband and son red in the face. My mother and daughter, white. 

Then the times – more than one -when my son, who is on the autistic spectrum, needed a play fight, to channel the aggression he displays when he feels threatened (and a threat may be as slight as a joke he did not understand, a small change of plan). I offer to fight him, and as I face him, hold his wrists, the energy in his body, but also in mine, is far from playful. 

A recent one - a double meltdown – my daughter screaming whilst we are Xmas shopping because she and I cannot remember something I said three days ago about her and a bauble she was hanging on the tree. Meanwhile it is raining. She is refusing to wear a coat. She runs away from me, up the pavement, beside a busy road, whilst my son, who cannot bear loud noise, lays down on the concrete and puts his hands over his ears. I am caught between the two of them – one on the run, the other on the ground. Masked people watching me, the rain coming down, the dark coming on. 

Three in the morning and no one is screaming or sobbing but me – the children are sleeping peacefully, and I am not. 

There is an edge to this – it is allowed to be hard, but it feels dangerous to expose the difficult details. It has not all been like this, but I do not want to sweep these times aside and hurry on. So I set them down, one by one, on the page. Then I can begin list number two. 

This is a list not of changes I resolve to make in the new year, but ones that came on their own, and are ongoing, unresolved. A list of the transitions already underway. Because these arrive unbidden, this is a list of the moments when I understood that change is happening:

When I find I cannot read the instructions on the side of the ‘stuffing mix’ and I realise I need reading glasses. 

When my period is two weeks late one month, and two weeks early the next. The skin on my eyelids grows dry. I read this too can be a symptom of the perimenopause.

When my daughter is at last weening (shhhh, don’t tell her, or she will object) and her favourite game is to play at being a ‘dumb baby’ who cannot remember where its mummy’s boobies are. She runs about the room, looking behind bookshelves and under covers, until eventually the baby realises that the boobies and the milk are on its mother’s chest. She does not want the milk now, she wants to play at being the silly baby, because she is turning into such a competent ‘medium big girl’ (her current definition of her size).

When my mother (granny) no longer wants to cook meals for us, but would rather that I cook for her. 

When my son starts to grow a greater awareness of his separateness to me and I find him in tears one night because earlier in the day he heard The Beatles song “She’s Leaving Home” and grew afraid that this might happen to him – that he would leave one day, leaving only a note behind.

When my husband and I realise we are going to need to move again, find somewhere we both want to be, to settle, where we can grow older.

When the children wait for snow, go out keen to find the ice on top of puddles to crack and splinter, but the winter stays mild, wet. 

And then there is the ‘transition period’ the whole of the UK is supposed to be undergoing, moving out of the EU, whether we like it or not. Lorries, stationary, but in long lines of transit, waiting to cross the border. And then there are the transitions- endless- from one tier to another to try to control the virus. 

I think of others’ transitions too, of friends, and friends of friends: people waiting for a baby to be born; waiting for a loved one to recover, or die; transitions of age, gender, status. 

What to do in response to these unchosen changes? I almost admire my daughter’s wish to fight them. Her maxim is not ‘to keep calm and carry on,’ but rather to keep screaming, whilst being carried. I am impressed by the volume of rage in her four-year-old frame as she attempts to stop things:

“You have to stop the car now,” she cries from the back seat, when we are in the middle of the road, “Right now. You have to do it. You have to, you have to, you have to…Mummy stop! Now! You have to stop!” It is a work-out of the will that can go on for hours and which leaves us both exhausted. It is extreme, and it makes me think back to the extreme metaphors for which I found myself reaching in trying to describe my writing process with the novel. 

I counsel her in acceptance, but I recognise my own desire to scream against the times, to stop the world. Perhaps I need to flip things round - to harness the power of the scream, even as I accept the ways things are. Often I think of acceptance as passive, equanimity as cool and quiet. But I am not sure balance, as figured in this way, is the right metaphor for our times. The feat of balancing required now is that done by the tightrope walker, cliff face climber, white-water rafter – an athletic equanimity, a muscular form of acceptance that takes all our might, all our will. 

Maybe it is time to reclaim the male image of the superhero. I like the way in the film of The Incredibles, the superheroic is recognised as a form of divergence from the norm, a daring difference, how the super ability can become a disability if the surrounding culture judges it as such. The image helps me to see my differences as potential superpowers. 

A third and final list then comes to mind, a forwards-looking one, that might support me through the transitions of this time, and on into 2021 – a list of my extreme powers. If it comes to needing to grow food, hunt, light fires – wilderness survival skills – I will be useless, but I can do the following:

I can survive on little sleep. 

I can hold onto the thread of a creative project or conversation through multiple interupptions and across many days.

I can imagine disaster, very fast, in almost any situation.

I can mother two intense children, both often awake till midnight.

I can name the elephant in any room. 

I can write a novel in the hour per day when my children are watching TV (this is a slight exaggeration - when school was happening I had a little more time, but on a list like this you are allowed to exaggerate). 

That’s it for now. I do not think we need to know or understand how our superpowers, our athletic abilities, can be put to good use. I do not think it is our job to calculate this, but rather only to keep in training. Ready. Skills honed. And also to notice, name and honour one another’s skills. I think I should write a list of my children’s superpowers too. As I write this, the children have woken and my husband is now showing my daughter the trailer for the latest Wonder Woman movie. My daughter likes her outfits, especially the golden bracelets. A glittering dress sense will be on my daughter’s list of wondrous powers. 

The other day my husband shared with me a quote, from a Hopi leader in the year 2000, which seems relevant to my three lists as 2021 begins:

“There is a river flowing now very fast.  It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.  They will try to hold on to the shore…..The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above water.  And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.”

Writing a novel has felt like white water rafting, but actually being alive right now feels like that too. This year I offer, not encouragement amidst despair, but something more extreme - a call to arms, to your arms, my arms, arms that can carry children, stir soups, make stories - superhero arms strong enough, not to grip, but to let go of the shore. Mid river as we are, I want to celebrate each other’s extreme, extraordinary abilities. So, tell me your lists: the list of things you did not wish for, the list of changes underway, unresolved, and then the list of the superpowers you are hiding, honing, as we are swept along. What powers, however ordinary, bizarre, or seemingly superfluous, do you have to offer?

[anyu-blue]

~

I'm just venting here cuz I don't have anyone to really vent to right now.

I know I'm being 'too much' and 'over the top' again... I know I'm throwing a hissy fit I don't need to, and I recognize I'm hurting at least one person with it.

But God damn I'm pissed and I guess I want to be pissed.

There's so much I want to do and so much I feel obligated to do and more... A lot of what I want to do... I just don't have the energy for. I wanted to make all these custom cards for my family since I should be able to ship stuff out this week... But I pulled Everything out and found... I just really didn't want to put that effort in..I mean I REALLY do... But just... Everything was turning out terrible. I'm honestly shocked I managed the 14 for my ex's family for Christmas... I want to do it... But at the same time I don't.

Cuz what's the point? All that effort.. all that care.. when I could just buy them a stupid card instead. So I'll go buy them a card... Because my eldest and younger sister decided to head to the grocery store without me and now I have to steal the car right when I'm off work to do my own necessary shopping anyway (or risk not being able to go at all this week). All because they were nearly out of toilet paper and Tevie wanted to get me cash for her car insurance bill...

Now I wouldn't be so mad except... They didn't even ask if I had extra toilet paper in my bathroom, which I do. AND I told Tevie that she didn't have to worry- I have enough to cover the insurance for her car.

But no. She just HAD to go today so I could have the money by tomorrow when it pulls!!! Um... Tomorrow (technically today, now) is SUNDAY. How the FUCK am I supposed to deposit the $ into my account like she wants when it's a freaking Sunday?! Or or at all when uh.. she has the car until like... 7pm every day anyway?!

Uuuugh... I already told her too, I'm not depositing Anything unless I absolutely need to either. Which I don't cuz I just got paid. AND I told her her insurance will be a part of what she pays me (if she does) for all her other bills!! If I got it I got it. What part of that is so hard to understand?

Apparently all of it...

Or none of it, but it doesn't matter because she doesn't pay attention to stuff like that anyway. Literally just does whatever she wants.. and you know what? I know that's absolutely fine. Sure it inconveniences me because, well, I needed to go to the store too (and told her as such), and had nothing for dinner while they fed themselves again (didn't even ask me AND used a service I have/can get free stuff with if they use my account like I've asked EVERY SINGLE TIME we've EVER used it!!!). (Why did I EVER cook and feed them so much? I was 100% right in that they have no interest in doing the same. They BARELY cook for themselves!! And you can probably already guess what I'm going to say about it... It's all JUNK!!! Cheeto mac and cheese, ramen, air fried chicken and fries, microwaved meals- you should see our pantry right now. Almost entirely instant meals and it makes me want to vomit. What's not instant is the stuff I picked out/ingredients that have just sat since I stopped cooking.. you should see our FRIDGE right now!! Not a vegetable or fruit in sight!! It's all warm fruit cups for Tevie and idek what W0lfie eats to get her vitamins and nutrients- cuz the vitamins I bought haven't been touched except for by me, Though I told them it would be a good idea of they took some each week too.. I'd wager she doesn't!! And that's partly why she's so gd MISERABLE all the time!! She doesn't take care of herself!!)

But in reality it's whatever. Technically Tevie did nothing wrong. She's just living her life how she wants to live it. Who cares about wasting more gas? Apparently not Tevie even though she told me she did... Apparently that's out the window. Who cares about my needs? Apparently not Tevie Though I've been fighting with our property managers and walking her through every gd adulting problem she has (I'm even supposed to help her with her taxes AGAIN cuz she can't do it) and taking care of the house and all the paperwork and all the phonecalls and everything... So it's not like I've been looking out for her and our little sister at all 🙄 or thinking of them and trying to make THEIR lives easier or nothing.

They don't owe me anything obviously... Not even the requests I made of them to do particular adulting tasks on their own (like put in a simple maintenance request, or cover up the open window downstairs, or even buy the materials so I could take care of that stupid problem better than I already have with the shit we had on hand).... It's up to them if they want to follow through. And they don't. Like ever. Because it'll just be done by me because I actually DO care about how much our power bill is.. Tevie sait she does and then pulls that shit. W0lfie says she does and then pulls the shit like letting her room get ULTRA cold- which guess what happens when she opens her door for the day? You guessed it. The temp of the house goes down and the heat/furnace churns and chugs to make up for it.

I'm so FUCKING DONE.. but guess what? I CAN'T be. I'm not even supposed to be pissed about this stuff!! I'm the bad guy!! Because I'm mad!! Because I can't just let it go or deal with it quietly. Or not be a bother.

GOD DAMN IT I AM SO SICK OF BEING/GOING QUIETLY

I HAVE BEEN QUIET AND CALM AND SWEET AND WORKED MY ASS OFF IN THE WAYS I CAN FOR SO FUCKING LONG

I AM THE REASON THEY HAVE THE SHIT THEY DO!! THE ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS, TEVIE'S CAR, LOWER BILLS (not just because I pay my part, but because I literally put in all the work to make sure stuff is taken care of and that I don't use excess/as much as I want or need sometimes), PAID BILLS (EVERYTHING comes out of my account. I've asked Tevie to do it. Several times. To set it up or to even just pay it once or twice... Has she ever? No. Not even when I showed her how and offered to write it all down for the future- and still she comes back at me like 'well you put them in your name' like, bitch... The water bill HAD to be in my name because at the time they only set it up in person!! Doesn't mean you can't pay it!! All the information is RIGHT THERE!!! You have my permission!!! In fact I've ASKED you to!! And the internet- we switched it to my name so it would lower AND give us a better speed!! And autopay gives us a discount anyway- Something YOU approved of!! And GUESS WHAT? The power ISN'T in my name!! It's in yours!!! Why on EARTH do you still expect me to pay it every single time?! It's not even on autopay!!! And the car insurance.. well SORRY if you have a wreck on your record that would make the premium double or triple what it is now!!! I did that for you!! I even called and asked and compared and did EVERYTHING FOR YOU YOU WOULDN'T/COULDN'T!!! And the cellphones are in my name because years ago when we GOT the plan you didn't have a credit score which was REQUIRED... Guess who did?! ME!! So guess who did all that and set up autopay so we wouldn't get charged $20 more a month?! It's not like we COULDN'T change these things, YOU just DON'T want to deal with it OR you want those discounts and agreed to it in the first place- so your 'well they're all you're responsibility Because they're in your name' is BULLSHIT), EXTRA MONEY EVERY MONTH, EVEN TEVIE'S BANK ACCOUNT, EVERY DOCTOR/DENTIST/SPECIALIST SHE HAS EVER SEEN AFTER OUR MOTHER WAS KICKED TO THE CURB... Even W0lfie is not exempt... Because what I don't do for her, she goes to her mom to take care of. And she's told me things and I've had to ask why she hasn't taken care of it. Well. She either doesn't know how (and in some instances refused to learn cuz it happens again), or was just going to suffer through it because she assumed that was what was right (without asking anyone or even GOOGLING the information)... Gods... Half my 'knowledge' comes from google and checking at least two or three sights and sources before I act... I feel like I'm the only one in my house who has that skill despite the top-notch cellphones and computers and shit laying around everywhere. Despite my little sister literally building her computer... Can't adult life at ALL...

And I just... I just...

I'm so mad and upset.

I want to have the carefree lives they have some days... But then I realize someone wild have to be doing all the shit I do for them for me... And then I get depressed Because literally no one would or will. Even Lon didn't... He took care of his bills sure... But everything else? Well.. unless I asked him to step up, he never would.. and he to never would more than the day I asked. Another red flag I shouldn't have let slide...

No matter how sick I get. No matter how crazy I go... It's still all up to me. I don't have people I can go to to ask to do these things and know they will... I have tos er Everything up and do all the work or it never happens. Especially not more than once.

I hate nagging... And I'm just the bad guy if I try anyway.

Idk what the point even is anymore. I hate my life.

I want so badly to love it and be happy to be around... But I just want to disappear and see what happens when that happens. Would they step up? I mean they'd HAVE to and then I'd be the bad guy again... But ugh...

None of this is easy. None of this is easy especially when all alone.

Few people reach out to me... The ones that do are just as overburdened as I am and can barely talk too because they're so busy... But we try...

I appreciate every one of them/you and I feel awful I'm so drained I can barely say thank you or reply.

I know what it's like... I do... Maybe I don't 100% know the specifics of the reasons behind what you're feeling, but I can feel it with you.

I'm trying. I'm angry. I'm tired... But I'm trying my best.

[ancientblxde]

Ultimate Ship: Buster

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - FOREVER!

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - About a year or two after meeting each other during the Wutai war

How was their first kiss? - Was proposed as a joke at first but then it was made real and they both savored every moment

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Buster

Who is the best man/men? - best man would more then likely be his master of course

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Rapier

Who did the most planning? - They had help since neither of them know how to plan a damn wedding XD But Angeal probably helped out

Who stressed the most? - Neither of them since they’re not the ones planning it XD

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Hojo of course

Sex:

Who is on top? - Buster

Who is the one to instigate things? - Buster usually but Masa does every so often

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - Usually a couple hours or until they exhausted their energy

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Oh yeah, definitely

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - None since both guys

How many children will they adopt? - Maybe one or two depending

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Masamune

Who is the stricter parent? - Masamune

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Neither, thwy would encourage it

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Masamune

Who is the more loved parent? - Buster

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Neither of them

Who cried the most at graduation? - Neither

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Both of them

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Buster all the way, he doesn’t trust masa in the kitchen XD

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Neither of them, both weapons and they’ll eat mostly anything for energy

Who does the grocery shopping? - Buster

How often do they bake desserts? - Buster likes sweets so a lot

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? -Meat lovers but Buster likes to mix the meals up a lot

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Masamune

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Both of them

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Masamune all the way

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Both of them

Who is really against chores? - Neither

Who cleans up after the pets? - Both of them

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Neither of them

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Neither since what guest, it’s mostly their masters and friends

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Buster

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Masamune cause of his hair

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Buster

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - More Buster but both if Buster manages to encourage Masa a bunch

What are their goals for the relationship? - No goals since they love each other to death and all. But supposedly to make each other happy which is easy enough to do.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Buster

Who plays the most pranks? - Both when they have their moments