#fought myself on whether i should make this but fuck it

[choctalksalot]

[x]

i'll be honest i just really wanted to make a joke out of the fact that this is my first time drawing june

[lostreverb]

RUNNING OUT OF TIME

(warren lipka x reader) in where your boyfriend shows up on your doorstep in the pouring rain and you're left to face a bleak reality

content: angst-fluff (b/c i can't help myself)

HERE'S AN UNOFFICIAL PART 2! (a/n: i had planned one when i started drafting this but the lovely @jazz-berry made an drabble that already serves as a perfect continuation!)

--

warren's future was slipping away like rain down the gutter.

he stared at your front door, his breath shallow, as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the doorknob—tense jaw, shoulders slumped under the weight of failure.

the meeting with the art dealer was a disaster; it unraveled faster than he could react. now, spencer's phone was compromised, chas had threatened his life, and he was left wondering how everything had gone so wrong.

warren had been standing outside in the pouring rain for 5 minutes, debating whether or not he should ring the doorbell, before it swung open.

"warren?- warren! you're drenched, come in dry off-"

there you were. somehow knowing he was at your place, without him even calling. already willing to take him in.

it had been weeks since he heard your voice, even longer since he last saw you.

as much as he wanted to tell you how it everything went down in new york he didn't want you to get involved. not towards the end. considering how shit was hitting the fan the less you knew at this point, the better.

warren remained rooted in place, shaking his head despite the rain running down his face, dripping from the ends of his hair—once neatly combed back, now curling at the ends as the water seeped in. "no, it's… it's okay," he mumbled, voice shaky, nearly inaudible.

you were too good for him—too kind, too smart. yet you were making the stupid choice to love him, no matter how deep he dragged himself into this mess. you stayed when anyone else would have walked away. and he let you. again and again, he let you. he should have dropped you by now like he had with every other girl before. but you? he couldn’t seem to push you away, no matter how hard he tried. your love for him was so genuine it was intoxicating.

"warren, stop this. come inside," you urged, tugging on the wet fabric of his coat, not caring if it soaked through to your skin. you needed him close, safe.

"y/n."

"...what happened?"

your eyes bore into him, wild with concern and affection, searching for any explanation in the features of his face of where he'd been all this time. it was almost too much for him to bear.

warren's face began to heat up, eyes stinging as he fought back tears. as he looked at you, your face mirroring his expression it finally set in.

the fear.

the fear of what he'd lose if everything doesn't miraculously pull through.

if he went to prison...

you both were still so young.

the last thing he wanted was for you to waste your life away, waiting for him.

although he probably couldn't bring himself to stop you even if you did.

"baby…" you whispered softly, your lip trembling as you studied his face. you could see it—the panic behind his eyes. he was terrified.

"i just wanted to see you…" he looked away for a moment, staring into the rain before his eyes flicked back to you. "before i, uh…" he swallowed hard, blinking rapidly to clear his vision. "just wanted to see you…"

for a brief moment, there was only the sound of the rain, each drop hitting the pavement like a ticking clock, counting down the seconds he had left.

there was a pause of silence before he spoke again, his face scrunched up in a pained expression. "hey.. you know i love you, right?"

you chuckled at his redundant question. obviously you both knew that he did. "that's like the only thing i feel sure of nowadays," you answered, the corners of your mouth slightly lifting.

he sniffed, his gaze dropping to the ground for a second as his shoulders trembled. "fuck…"

warren couldn't help himself anymore.

he pulled you out into the rain, arms wrapping around you tightly as his lips found yours. rainwater soaked through the thin fabric of your top as you melted into the kiss, feeling the desperation behind it, the unspoken words that neither of you could bring yourselves to say. his hands were shaking as they moved to cradle your face, his forehead pressing gently against yours after he broke the kiss, leaving a trail of warmth as his lips touched down on your forehead.

you let out a soft, breathy chuckle, your fingers resting against his chest, feeling the erratic thrum of his heart beneath your touch. your gaze drifted down, hands squeezing the red scarf draped over his shoulders. "i was gonna ask if you could pick me up from class tomorrow," you murmured, your tone light despite the knot in your stomach, "but why do i have a feeling... you can't?"

warren’s mouth formed a bittersweet smile as he brought his arms around you again, his hands moving in slow, comforting circles on your back. "’cause you're smart," he whispered. "keep usin' that big noggin of yours… don't be like me, okay? promise me that."

you gave a small nod. "i promise."

warren leaned in again, his lips hungrier this time. like he was afraid if he didn't make the most of this moment he'd never get to again. he held you against him, one hand holding the back of your head, the other caressing your backside, passionately conveying his love for you. after a long while, with both your lips swollen and wet with tears, his thumb stroked the side of your cheeks, wiping yours away. he pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against yours again.

"bye.." he whispered, barely audible.

you couldn't bring yourself to say it back.

he hesitated for a second, his eyes lingering on you like he was trying to commit every detail to memory. then, with a deep breath, he turned and walked away, the rain swallowing him up as he went back to his car and drove off.

--

tags (ask to be added or removed anytime!): @fear-is-truth @juliamaximoff @jazz-berry @violetsghosts @quickreider @tiffysdeath @marchsfreakshow

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 164 spoilers and thoughts that are totally not late what are you talking about this is on time for sure <- writing the day that 165 drops

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JAVIER WAS THE ACTUAL MVP OF THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAH GOD I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

THAT SIGNATURE SLIGHT SMIRK, THE MENACE IN HIS EYES. YES!!! SAVE UR MAN FROM GRIEF!!! GO KNIGHT BOY GO!!!!!!!

oh how he's grown, oh how he's learned from lloyd,,, truly using all the skills hes seen and putting them to the test. ITS SO FUNNY HOW EFFECTIVE THIS IS HAHAHAHAA THE EXPRESSIONS ARE SO SO GOOD THEYRE SO UNHINGED I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

back to the top!

lloyd trying to bargain and figure out loopholes only to realize there really is no other way besides losing it all over again makes my heart ACHE. OOOWWW. OWWWWWWWW.

just. watching that shutdown happen is so so so cruel why would u do this to me. the way the artist shows the energy and life just leaving his eyes and then subsequently showing how. tired he is. makes me so so emotional

it fucking HURTS. and by god ive been there before - certainly not to this extent ofc, but ive also been in tough spots where all the work ive done for my engineering projects ends up being,,, pointless. it is VERY real, how demoralizing that feels and lloyds reaction to that, and i cant imagine the scale of how that despair increases when its related to the work you did to simply just live in peace. god. ow. ow ow ow ueueueuuee

like he just essentially got told that it didnt matter how hard he fought to live, to survive, it doesn't matter that he's "lloyd" now; kim suho is destined for an ill-fate. and considering we know him as someone who lives almost entirely for others? it's basically "hey, all this stuff u did for other people to make urself not a burden, became a burden. tough luck!" GOD THATS SO. GHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH

and he's trying so hard to think of himself as lloyd frontera still but like. whats the point? his association with lloyd frontera became the thing that doomed him

this panel in particular is INSANEE AAGHGHGHHGGG the colors washed out, how limp he looks, the blankness of the background like nothings there. this is where lloyd is right now, hope ripped from him, this reflects that really well. it HURTS.

is dissociated the right word for this? in despair? either way he's emotionally and mentally going THROUGH it, and essentially back to isolation considering how he ignores javier

i also wonder now if lloyd has already made a choice, to let javier live? we dont get to see more of his thoughts beyond this point, so its hard to say whether or not he's already made the decision of which protagonist lives,,, god im so worried for him. a part of me suspects that maybe he already chose javier to live,,, IM SO SCARED,,,,

speaking of javier,,, we see him talking to arcos and marbella!! and AGGGHHH AAAHHH MY HEART i really really think that javier was being completely genuine here. i think he really believes this. javier in general has a tendency to be incredibly genuine in the things he says (examples i cant think of off the top of my head but this episode has a lot of em LOL). he's asserted multiple times that he believes lloyd can save their estate, and its clear he means it every time. the faith javier has in lloyd is so so strong and it makes me so fucking EMOTIONALLL im getting ahead of myself a little bit sorry

but then the stare that arcos gives to javier,,, i think silent was the one who mentioned it but its as if arcos isnt sure if he should believe him, and if u take into account the last time they asked about lloyd's status,,, it's very much possible that he doesnt believe javier, but javier has so much faith in lloyd that he leaves them alone anyway. god,,, gghh,,, mmy heart,,,,

AND JAVIER ASKING LLOYD TO WAIT FOR HIM AND THAT HE'LL HELP LLOYD GET BACK TO HIS FEET GOD GHGHGH HE LOVES HIM SO FUCKING MUCH GOD FUCK GOD DAMMIT YOU!!! YOU!!!!

lloyd doesnt even respond but javier doesnt need to wait for a response bc he'll do whatever it takes now to protect this noble he's come to care for and love and gone on so many adventures with GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT FUCK

and now we reach the second half of the episode and it made me giggle SO FUCKING HARD HAHAHAHAHAHAA

LIKE I SAW THIS PANEL AND MY JAW DROPPED PLEASE JAVIER ALDKJFLSKJDF

ppl were posting that apparently someone in ORV does this too and like thats so fucking funny . if i had a nickel for every time there was identity fraud in a manhwa id have two nickels

POOR RAPHAEL GETTING CAUGHT IN THE FIRE TOO HAHAHAHA HE LOOKS SO NERVOUS

some more panels of javier harnessing all that unhinged lloyd energy IT'S SO SO GOOD. it feels like javier's now a really really strong prosecutor i think he'd do a good job as a lawyer. THIS IS SO SO FUN

LIKE HE LOOKS SO MENACING GOD ITS SO FUNNY AHHAHAHAHA while making entirely good points he's so golden i love u sm javier. yes save ur man. outargue the FUCK out of these angels u clever little knight.

THE BITS WHERE ITS REVEALED HE'S TRULY GENUINE TOO ARE SOOOO FUCKING GOOD

ITS FUNNY ON TOP OF BEING SO REAL OF JAVIER

i talked about it above but like. when javier really truly believes something, when he really truly wants something, it's so fucking obvious. this boy does not lie or pretend about how he feels, point blank period. hell we've seen his behavior when he lies/is not telling the truth; his words are stiff and out of character, and his expression is either menacingly tight or stiffly robotic. he has so, so SO much faith and such a deep desire to save lloyd, and it shows in how he's genuinely fucking thankful that the angels agreed to (or well, were coaxed into agreeing) with what he asked for. i think it's a really interesting character trait and it completely tracks that javier was the protagonist of knight of blood and iron. genuine, emotional characters who love and lose, who have hope and can believe and can also experience despair, can make for an extremely compelling story. javier nails it right on the head

i also think that this character trait completely influenced the way javier used the tactics that lloyd uses. like yes, this is something that lloyd could do, but he also would never be able to pull it off because he doesnt have that same protagonist heart and honest-to-god (pun intended) genuineness that javier has. this inherent authenticity that javier seems to just naturally possess is what allowed him to make these statements and demands, because the sincerity he wears on his sleeve makes it all end up feeling reasonable. only javier could have done something like this, and no one else. i think thats REALLY fun!!!

that is all for this ep for now,,, i am SUPER excited to see where this'll go. hopefully we will hear from alicia abt the eye of summer!!! god javier u clever lil thing im so glad he was able to do this SAVE UR BOYF!!! AAAAHHHH

see y'all next week! aka tmrw! today? whenever 165 drops!

[newtonsheffield]

I can imagine PM Kate absolutely tearing into PMQs from the opposition when they bring up how Kate got into her staffers pants and she just lists off every scandal for every single politician who asks a question about her and Anthony. It sends her poll figures through the roof

Kate just sitting in her chair as one of the Tories smirks at her across the room,

“Don’t you think you should answer for your sexual relationship with a junior member of your staff during an affair that happened on government property, while the tax payers pay you to run the country?”

Kate stared at him for a very long second before she leaned into the microphone, “I will answer to my sexual relationship, with a man who is a consenting adult when you answer to the four women who have accused you of sexual harassment whom you’ve swept under the rug. Surely no man’s career could survive that but: There you are, wasting your constituent’s money.”

A roar went through the crowd and the speaker fought to regain control. “Madam Prime Minster-“

“No, I will not allow myself to be lectured on appropriate workplace relationships by this man! And as for whether or not this affair, your word, not mine, occurred and has continued on government property I would put this to the honorable Member of the opposition: You show me a list of where you’ve fucked your wife and I’ll show you my list.”

The entire room erupts and Kate knows she should be worried about it. She should be concerned for the fact that this is going to make international headlines. But she’s not really.

And no one’s more surprised by hers when she reads the headlines tomorrow

Show me your and I’ll show you mine: Prime Minister Sharma takes aim at the opposition sending opinion polls skyrocketing

[hideyourautumn-milkteeth]

Anyways on the topic of body positivity I think we need to kill the people on the internet who still go around pushing the idea that having a neck beard is a sign of something inherently negative. Whether it be misogyny or unhygienic, we need to start treating it neutrally like we should with any body or facial hair.

I'm not going to hate the hair I'm growing on myself just because some fatphobic fucks decided to make a stereotype out of it over a decade ago. I went on T, I fought hard for the facial hair I have, and I'm not going to make myself hate it just cause some stupid motherfuckers keep telling me I "have to" for whatever dumbass reason.

I love my neck beard. I love the hair that grows between my chin and neck. It makes me look like an actual DUDE and is fun to stim with. I love the hair I've fought so hard for and I'm not gonna act ironic about it.

[devilat-thedoor]

What Is and What Should Never Be Ch. 4

A/N: I know this one took awhile and i’m sorry. life has been life-ing😅 I don’t know if anyone has really noticed or cared, but for each chapter, I’ve linked a song that heavily inspired the story for me, whether it influenced the specific chapter or just influenced the storyline in general. I’m always listening to music while I write and it’s where i draw a good bit of inspo from. idk. But I really recommend listening to the songs or at least reading the lyrics💖

Word Count: 7.8k

Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI. No smut this chapter. Toxic Themes(Fighting/Arguing), A lot of angst and a bit of fluff. Nothing else really? just a general sadness…

…Stay a little longer if you convince me and tell me all the things that you have against me // Every time we make up the truth is fading, everybody’s blind when the view’s amazing...

You pulled the visor down, letting the keys drop into your lap. Your chest felt tight and you fought to keep the tears back, blinking them away as they came. As you turned the car on, you realized that you left your bag beneath the counter and it had your wallet with your license and money and cards, but there was no way you could go back into that place. You looked through the windshield as you put the car in drive and saw Josh barreling through the back door, trying to get your attention. Ignoring his waving hands, you drove out of the lot and went straight home.

“Why are you home?” Bellamy was standing in the kitchen when you came through the door and dropped your keys on their hook, “I thought you didn’t get off until 9?” 

You slipped out of your shoes as you turned to her, “Umm. I wasn’t feeling good, so J- I got sent home…” You walked past her to open the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water, “I’m gonna go lay down.”

She caught your arm before you could exit the space, “Don’t lie to me, Y/N. What’s wrong?” She gripped your shoulders, forcing you to face her, “This is the second time you’ve come home upset and I can’t help but think this time also has something to do with Jake. What is it?”

“Bellamy, it’s nothing, I just want to go to bed.” Your voice cracked as you tried to pull out of her hold.

“It’s not nothing. What did he do?” Concern was etched across her face as she stared at you.

You shook your head, trying to hold the tears back again, “He didn’t do anything, Bell, it was me. I fucked up… You told me from the start not to get caught up in them and I didn’t listen. I did this to myself.” You were embarrassed at letting it get to this point. You should’ve just left them both alone and kept it purely professional.

“Hun, I also told you to have fun…” The guilt was creeping over her but it was quickly replaced by her protective nature over you, “Which one of them were you working with? Who’s there now?”

“No. Bell-“

She cut you off, stepping around you to exit the kitchen, “I just want to talk to him. Which one was it?”

Now you were grabbing her arm to yank her back, “Please, Bellamy.” You let out a sigh, “You can’t fight this one for me. I’ll deal with it, I just- Not right now. I wanna forget about it until tomorrow.”

“Okay. Fine.” She released a sigh, nodding her head as she allowed you to exit the room.

You strolled into your bedroom, clicking the door shut, and went straight to your closet. Stripping out of your work clothes, you reached for the one article of clothing that you always sought solace in; Your dad’s old, blue Penn State college hoodie. It was littered with teeny holes and fraying seams, the nittany lion logo peeling away from the fabric, but it still smelled like him. You pulled it over your head, the hem falling to your mid thigh, and held the sleeves over your face to breathe in the familiar and comforting scent.

Grabbing your phone from the dresser, you flicked the light off, crawled into bed and checked your notifications. There was a single message from Josh but nothing from Jake.

Josh 7:21pm: Did i cross a line? What is going on with you and jake?

You 8:02pm: I crossed the line. I’m sorry.

You didn’t wait long enough for a response, just plugged your phone in after turning on Do Not Disturb and laid it facedown. You picked up your laptop from beside the nightstand, opening it up to play some music. After clicking play on a playlist, you put the laptop down beside you and curled deeper into the mattress. The soft organ notes of the first song floated through the room, Cold Heart Killer by Lia Marie Johnson, the lyrics immediately plaguing you with thoughts of Jake.

But my friends keep saying he’s a cold heart killer

Make you crazy, yeah, he’s smooth as liquor

So damn dangerous, I got too close

Oh, I should’ve known better…

You really should have known better but even now, after the constant back and forth, after what he said, the idea of him was still enticing. Pulling the duvet up to your chin, you closed your eyes and willed your brain to conjure up thoughts of anything else, anyone else, but it was no use. Your mind kept wandering back to the night you spent with him, waking up with him, your body longing for the feeling of his draped over it. You gave up on fighting the thoughts and let them run wild until you inevitably fell asleep.

💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿

“Y/N…” Bellamy’s hand was on your back, shaking you awake, “Hey, Jake is here to see you.”

A soft hum vibrated from your chest as you peeked an eye open, not quite registering what she was saying, “M’sleeping, B.” You pulled the blanket up over your head to partially block out the morning light but also to make her go away.

She yanked the comforter away, whisper-yelling, “Jake is in the living room…”

You rolled over, wide-eyed, “No. Get him out.” Sitting up, you pulled yourself from the bed.

“What am I supposed to tell him? He knows you’re here, Y/N!”

Now you were yelling in a hushed tone, “Tell him that I don’t want to see him. Tell him that he’s a fucking dickhead! I don’t give a fuck, Bell, just make him leave.” You pointed at the door to get your point across and watched her slip out and pull it shut behind her. Raking a hand through your hair, you let out a sigh and reached to pull your phone from the charger when your door was flinging open.

“Dude, what the hell is your malfunction?!” You heard Bellamy yell before the door slammed shut and drowned out her shouting.

You whipped around, knowing exactly who you were about to face, “Did you not get the message? Leave.” 

He stood just a few feet away from you, those stupid sunglasses covering his big, dumb, brown eyes and his annoying, soft mouth drooped into a frown. He lifted his hand, holding your bag up, “You left this at the shop…” He was looking around your room and you weren’t sure if it was just out of curiosity or because he was trying to avoid your eyes.

“And you couldn’t just leave it with Bellamy? You had to bring it to my room?” Your tone was growing louder and you thought you saw him flinch, “Or better yet, why bring it at all, Jake? Why make the special trip down here for a whore? That’s what I am, right?”

“No. Y/N-”

“No? But that’s what you said, hun…” You were sure you looked crazy with your wild sleep hair and angry eyes, “I’m just a fucking whore who gets on her knees for everyone, according to you.” You released a humorless laugh as you turned away from him, “Yanno, my dad always said all a man’s got in life are his balls and his word and he shouldn’t break ‘em for nobody…So don’t take it back now, Jake. Own the fuck up to it.”

“Can we just have a conversation like adults? Are you capable of that or does everything have to be a goddamn fight with you?” He grabbed your shoulder, spinning you to face him again, “I wanted-”

You were cutting him off again, ripping yourself from his touch, “Fuck you! I don’t care what you wanted and you made it blatantly obvious that you don’t care what I want.” Your voice dropped, cracking a bit as your emotions became overwhelming, tears prickling in your eyes., “Why are you here, Jake?” You brought your hands up to your face, trying to stop the tears from falling. When he didn’t answer, you dropped your hands to see him coming towards you. He was grabbing your waist with one hand, the other curling around the back of your neck, as he collided his lips with yours. You instantly melted into him, moving your mouth against his without a thought as your fingers desperately searched for any sliver of his skin they could find. He was pulling you in tighter, his thumb pressing into your hip, when you finally realized what was happening. You flattened your palms on his torso and forced him away, “Stop it- Just-”

“Y/N, please…” He reached for you again, but you threw your arms up, blocking his hands.

“Don’t touch me… I want you to leave.” You could hear your voice shake with every word, but you tried to remain stern, “I don’t want to see you anymore, Jake, just let me be.” You finally started crying, unable to hold it back anymore, “Can you please just leave me alone? I can’t do this anymore, I can’t- I need you to leave.” You sat on the bed, letting your head hang as you stared at the floor, watching the hardwood collect the salty droplets from your cheeks.

He stayed rooted in place for a minute or so and you could feel his eyes boring into you, begging you to just look at him and tell him to stay. You saw his old, filthy vans turn around, followed by the sound of the bedroom door opening, “I didn’t mean it, peach. I’m sorry…” Your head snapped up at his dejected voice, but he was already gone, leaving the door to hang open as he left you alone. Just like you asked…

“God, he’s a real piece of work.” Bellamy came into the room after a few moments and found you crying, “Oh babe…” She rushed to your side, sitting down on the bed to hold you, “What did he do?”

“Bell, I just want my dad…” You leaned into her, letting your tears soak into her shirt, “I d-don’t kn-know what to do.”

She took one of her arms away from you to pull her phone from her pocket, “I know, Y/N. Hang on…”  After a few seconds, you heard the facetime calling tone coming from her cell, “It’s not the same, but it’s the best I can do, babe…”

You raised your head just as Bellamy’s dad picked up, “Hey, hon- Oh, it’s both of my girls! How are you guys?” Mr. Cole’s jovial greeting brought a tiny smile to your face.

“We’re okay. Umm… Y/N could really use some advice, dad.” She angled the phone in your direction.

His eyes focused on you through the blurry pixelation, “Awwe, sweet pea, what are you crying for?”

Your heart warmed at the nickname; Your dad graced you with it when you were three years old and took it upon yourself to pick all of the flowers from your mother’s garden. You held them tight in your grasp, running to find your mom on the back porch and presenting what you thought would be a nice gift, Mommy, look what I got for you! When she saw you, covered in soil with fistfuls of the tiny, pink blooms, she was furious. She yelled and threw a tantrum about her precious flowers, but your dad just smiled as he pulled you to the side  of the house and turned the hose on to clean your little fingers off. He looked at your mother with a gentle smile and said, “We can always plant more, honey… But this sweet pea? She’s irreplaceable.” He pinched your chubby cheeks and left a soft kiss on your head and the name stuck. Even after a few years of him being gone, Bell and her family still kept the nickname alive for you.

“I really messed up, papa Cole… Dad would be so disappointed with me.” You put your head in your hands again, shaking with soft cries.

“No, Y/N. There is nothing you could ever do to disappoint him.” He paused, only speaking again once you brought your attention back to the phone, “You were the world to him, his perfect, little sweet pea blossom.” His voice held a solemn tone now, “Talk to me about what’s hurting you, honey.”

After a few more sniffles, your eyes flicked to Bellamy and she gave a gentle, reassuring nod. You know she was dying to know what was going on so she could help. You looked down at your fingers, twisting them together as you started to unload on your best friend and her dad, leaving out the moment in the parking garage, for obvious reasons. “...And Jake saw me kissing Josh and he said some really shitty things…and maybe I deserved it, yanno?” You shrugged, confused by your own feelings, “He made me feel disgusted with myself, but I…can’t stop thinking about him. Part of me still likes him and I hate myself for it…And I like Josh too, of course I like him. He’s so sweet and he’s funny and he doesn’t make me insane, but I just-.” You couldn’t find the right words to describe what you were feeling, but Mr. Cole and Bell both listened to your ramblings with no judgment. “God…I can’t even imagine what dad would say.”

You could tell Bellamy had so much she wanted to say, but her dad spoke up first, “I think he would say that you went with your gut and you shouldn’t punish yourself for that. You may have made a few missteps, but that’s life, Y/N. You can either make decisions with your heart or your head, and though the outcomes may be different, neither choice is wrong… Now given what the boy said, I can confidently say that your father would’ve made him eat his words and his teeth.” He released a soft chuckle. It was times like this when you realized just how close he and your dad were. He could form sentences to sound exactly the same way your father would put them, “Girls, I have to get back to work but you can call me later. I love you both.”

“Love you, dad! I’ll call once you’re home, I wanna see mom too.” She hung up the call after you waved bye and mumbled a ‘love you.’

You flung your arms around your best friend, pulling her backwards to fall into the mattress with you, “Thank you for sharing your dad, B…and thank you for just being you. I wouldn’t be able to get through life without you.” You planted a hard peck on her cheek, making sure to pop your lips when you pulled away.

She forced a grimace as he wiped the wet splotch from her face, “Pea, my dad loves you like you’re his own, hell you practically are. I don’t think of it as sharing. You’re my sister, you know that.” She rolled on top of you, grasping your face to return a sloppy peck to the middle of your forehead, “I’m gonna make some breakfast. You hungry?” She popped up from the bed, heading for the door.

“No. I’m gonna shower and try to get my shit together.” You pushed yourself to stand and snatched your phone from the nightstand. The screen illuminated as you pulled the charging cord, showcasing a few text notifications. You pulled the old hoodie off and folded it, tucking it back into the safety of your closet for the next time you’ll need it, and made the short walk to your bathroom. Allowing the water time to heat up, you finally opened the new messages, three from Josh, one from Jake…

Josh 8:11pm: Y/N i wanted that kiss but if there’s something between you and my brother then tell me. Why did he say that?

Josh 8:32pm: Can you at least answer me to tell me you made it home okay? You were crying when you left

Josh 12:02am: Okay I’m trying to give you space but I’m going a little crazy worrying about you Y/N please

A new kind of pain rippled through your chest at his messages and you knew you owed him an explanation.

You 10:56am: I’m sorry, Josh. I didn’t mean to worry you. I made it home and just went to bed early. There was something with me and Jake or at least I thought there was. I never should’ve kissed you the first time, it wasn’t fair to either of you. I’m just really confused about my feelings.

You hit send and swiped out of the thread to read Jake’s single message, only it wasn’t a text, it was a voice message. Your heart dropped into your stomach as you clicked play to listen, his slurred speech coming through the speaker.

Jake 2:35am: *inaudible grumbling* … Youuuu… ha ha…. You really have me soooo *hiccup-burp* so fucked up… I don’t know hoooow you do it, peach…ha ha ha ha…peeeeeach. *glass clattering* You love it when I call you th-that. My sweet pea- *hiccup* My sweet peach… But you’re not miiiiine, are you? Nooooo. Naaaah. You’re too good for me…drive me fucking craaaazy, baby… *childish giggle* You and that goddamn mouth…just love to… press… my but- *droning snore* Shit…*more grumbling* ha ha. She…loves it…

What the fuck…

You listened to it again. And then again. The bathroom was filled with steam by the time you put your phone down and stepped into the shower. His message continued to replay in your head, the nauseating rush of butterflies growing more powerful each time you thought over it. You had him fucked up??? Did he even know what kind of effect he had on you? You finished washing up and pulled a towel around you to go back to your room. Sitting on the edge of your bed, you let his voice play one more time, catching on one thing that hit you with a head rush; Your nickname. Albeit accidental, caught in a boozy hiccup, but it was there. Spoken through Jake’s lips with that intoxicating rasp that made you weak in the knees. But it didn’t matter… None of it mattered anymore because you sent him away, told him to leave you be and that’s what he did. Would you have acted differently if you’d heard his message before he’d shown up? You shook your head, trying to dispose of the thoughts altogether, and started getting dressed.

When you walked into the kitchen, Bellamy was sitting on the counter, eating a bagel, “Hey, babe…” She mumbled cautiously around her bite of food.

You looked up at her as you pulled the fridge open, “What’s up?”

“Would you be like…upset if maybe…Sam came over later?” She lifted her shoulders, bracing for you to tell her that you would absolutely be upset, but it was the complete opposite.

You chuckled at her, “Bell, of course not.” Grabbing a string cheese, you closed the door and leaned on the counter beside her, “I love that weird little guy.” There was a pause and you turned your head to see her smiling shyly as she typed on her phone, “You like him don’t you?”

She looked up at you, her smiling growing, “I think I do, Y/N. Don’t tell him that, I can’t let it go to his head.” She bumped your shoulder with her own, laughing quietly, “We’ve been hanging out a lot when our schedules line up. Most of his classes are either early morning or early afternoon. He goes to CCA.”

“Oh yeah, you said he’s majoring in photography, right?”

“Yeah! He’s actually really fucking talented too…Hang on.” Bellamy held her phone up, opening instagram to find his account, “Look at these pictures, they’re unreal.”

You took the phone from her and scrolled through the array of photos. A mix of landscapes and portraits, even a few wildlife. You were quickly noticing how much he favored film over digital, but nevertheless, his talent was undeniable. Scrolling for a few more seconds, you were about to give her phone back when one portrait grabbed your attention. You tapped on the tiny square to get a full view. Jake. A black hat, wild hair and an intimidating glare, his eyes staring straight into the lens. He looked exactly like the Jake you knew, yet different…younger maybe? You slid out of the app and handed your friend the cell, “You’re right, he does have talent. Those are all amazing.” You looked away, peeling the wrapper from your string cheese.

She clicked on instagram again, the screen popping right back to the photo of Jake, “Don’t do this to yourself, sweet pea… He doesn’t deserve you, not with the way he treats you and definitely not after what he said.” She jumped down from the counter with a sigh, “You have to understand that, babe. You are worth so much more than what he’s reducing you to.”

You wanted to argue, to tell her that he wasn’t the guy she thinks. He was sweet in his own warped and twisted way. She thought he was sadistic…maybe he is…but not always. Not in the way he held your hand or how he always made sure you had lunch when you worked with him. The way his tongue would beg for permission before slipping against your own…But arguing was no use, she made up her mind about him, “Yeah, Bell. I know…I uhh- I’m gonna go get a coffee and maybe check out a few of the local shops.” You turned away and stalked out of the kitchen, wanting nothing more than to escape everything for a bit, “I’ll be back later. Love you.”

After getting your coffee, you wandered through the streets, slipping in and out of different locally owned stores. You found a cute little thrift store that you wound up spending over an hour in, sifting through vintage t-shirts and knick knacks that could be considered relics. When you finally started your trek back home, it was slipping into early evening. The apartment was too quiet when you entered and you found Bellamy napping on the couch. Deciding to let her be, you went into your room and followed suit, stripping out of your clothes to pull on an oversized tee and some boxer shorts, and fell into bed for a nap of your own. You opened your music app and clicked on your ‘Dad’s Favorites’ playlist, being met with the distortion heavy opening of War Pigs by Black Sabbath. Placing the phone on the opposite side of the bed, you snuggled beneath the warm blanket and allowed yourself to drift.

💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿

*bzzbzzzzzbzzbzz*

You woke up to the feeling of your phone vibrating beside your head. Snatching it up from the pillow, you squinted through tired eyes, focusing enough to swipe the button and lay the device over your ear with a groggy, “Hello?”

“Y/N, hey…You answered…”

You shot up into a sitting position, pulling the phone in front of your face to be sure it was who you thought. Slowly bringing it back to your ear, you squeezed your eyes shut, “Josh… What’s up?” You tried to sound normal but you’re sure he could hear the anxiety in your voice.

“I wanted to apologize for not texting you back earlier, the store was slammed all day. We did really good in sales, but the order is gonna be a bitch to put away next friday.” The casual conversation threw you off a bit, but you were lying if you said it wasn’t comforting.

Your nerves eased at his usual joyous tone, “That’s great about the sales, though. And if you need me to come in to help out with the delivery, I’d be more than happy to, Josh.”

“Y’know, I might hold you to that, especially since I don’t know where to pick up with your organizing in the storage room.” You could hear his smile through the phone, but then there was a shift, “Hey, listen…” You braced yourself for what was coming, staying silent, “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about anything. I like you, Y/N… You’re cool as hell and such a sweetheart. But if there’s business between you and Jake, I’ll step back.”

You released the breath you didn’t realize you were holding, “I like you too, Josh, really…and not just as my boss, but-” You took a pause, not really sure what to say, “It just that- Jake and me, whatever it is or was…it’s unresolved and I don’t know where we stand right now.” You dropped your voice to a whisper, the bleak shame settling in, “I made a complete mess of everything and I don’t know how to begin to fix any of it…”

“There’s nothing to fix with me, consider the slate clean. As for him… Jake is easy. Just ask him.” He stated it so plainly, like it was the most obvious answer, “I know he wears his bad guy mask pretty well, but it’s just an act. He’s not good when it comes to feelings ever since-.” He stopped like he was about to share something sacred, “He just has a hard time dealing with his emotions. You have to push a bit and he will push back, but he can only fight for so long. I promise, I know exactly how he is.”

“I don’t know…” You fell back against the pillows, talking to Josh like he was your middle school best friend, “He’s so confusing, Josh. Just when I start believing that he likes me, he’s saying mean things or he’s flirting with Olivia. I just can’t help but feel like he only serves to hurt me.” You sat up again, realizing how shitty all of this probably was for him to hear, “Fuck. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-”

He was quick to shut you down, “Don’t fucking apologize. This is the shit friends talk about. We’re friends, aren’t we?” He let out a breathy laugh and put on a valley girl accent, almost like he was mocking Olivia, “Baaabe, like, you know that, you can tell me, like anyyyything.” When he heard you giggling he broke character, “Okay, seriously, Y/N. Just talk to him and find out where his head is at. If not for yourself, do it for me…If he doesn’t want what you’re selling, I know somebody who’s dying to take it off the market.” He was laughing again, a sweet, melodic sound, “Listen, I gotta get everything cleaned up for closing but I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

You were smiling wide, feeling the hot blush spread across your face, “See you tomorrow, boss… and thank you, Josh. This- I like being able to talk to you, it’s nice.”

“Feelings mutual, Y/N. Goodnight.” He hung up the phone before you could respond.

Pulling the phone from your ear, you checked the time, feeling a comforting warmth spread through your body. 8:39pm. You slept a lot longer than you wanted to, but you felt great after the conversation with Josh. Flinging the duvet from yourself, you rolled out of bed and heard voices coming from the living room. You stretched your limbs as you remembered that Bellamy invited Sam over and made your way out to say hi. They were both on the couch, Sam leaned back with his bare feet kicked up on the coffee table and Bell, stretched across the cushions, with her legs over his. You stepped closer, making your presence known, “Made yourself right at home, huh, Sam?” You said it with a laugh so he would know you were joking.

“I actually did, yes. The moving truck is downstairs, I was waiting for you to wake up to help carry the big stuff.” He flipped his palms up with a shrug, “I’m surprised you’re not spending the night with Jake since he has tomorrow off.”

Bellamy pulled her legs from his lap to sit up, smacking his arm, “You’re brother is a dickhead, Sammy. She’s done with him.” She said it with finality, like she was making the decision for you.

He dropped his feet to the floor, looking from her to you, “Wait, what did I miss? Weren’t you guys like-.” He poked his fingers together, making kissy noises.

“I thought we were, but shit happens, I guess?” You dragged a hand over your face with a sigh.

Bellamy popped up, “He made her think that he liked her and then practically called her a whore. Not to mention the way he flirts with that other girl.” She shuffled around his legs to walk to the kitchen, “I’m gonna grab another beer, do you want one, babe?” She pointed at him, receiving a nod in return as she disappeared through the doorway.

When you turned back to him, his eyes narrowed, giving you a questioning stare and prompting you to tell him what happened, “Look, Sam, I don’t know, okay? We hangout, have fun, and then he changes in a flash and becomes this malevolent force that just loves to jumble my brain. I can’t do it, the back and forth, it’s- He’s fucking twisted but…I still feel this pull towards him, I hate it.”

Sam sat up straight on the couch, “He’s got some shit to work out, that’s for sure… And I don’t know all sides to the story, but there’s something you have to understand about Jake.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked up at you, “He’s barely even looked at a woman since his last girlfriend. Yeah, he flirts, he’s had hookups, but it’s never serious, not to him.”

“Nothing excuses what he said, Sam.” Bellamy chimed in as she came out of the kitchen, “He’s been treating her like trash since the minute he met her. Brother or not, you can’t sit here and defend him.” She handed him the IPA and sat down beside him.

“Bellamy, just let him talk. I wanna hear this.” You sunk into the chair opposite the couch and turned your attention back to Sam, “What were you saying?” You ignored your best friend’s scoff as you encouraged him to continue.

Twisting the cap from his bottle, he took a long drink before speaking up, “I’m not defending him. I just think there’s a reason that he’s acting like this.” He took another drink and placed the beer on the table, “His last girlfriend, Ivy, she really fucked him up. They were together for four years, really fucking lovey dovey.” Sam shook his head as he recalled, “We all kind of thought they were a forever deal, even mom and dad. Jake was so deep in love, he talked about moving across the country with her because she wanted to live in New York… Two years in and he was gonna drop his entire life to stay close to her.” He paused, scratching his chin, “He’ll kill me for telling you this.”

“Sam, please. Help me understand.” You stood up again, pacing back and forth, “Explain to me what I could’ve done for him to treat me like this, because I can’t keep forgiving his behavior. He’s letting me in, making me feel like he might really want me, just to push me away again. Over and over, and I can’t do it, I won’t.” You were rambling out of pure anxiety and frustration, “It’s not fair… I made it clear that I liked him, that I wanted him. We had fun on his birthday…at least I thought we did. We stayed up all night, completely wrapped up in one another, then the next thing I know, he wakes up a completely different person and kicks me out? I mean, what the hell was that?” You stopped to take a breath and Sam was quick to raise a question.

“Wait, you- He let you stay the night?” His confusion was clear as you nodded your head, “Like, slept in the same bed?”

Now you were confused, “Yeah… He begged me to stay. Not that he really had to.” Your shoulders dropped in defeat, “It was kind of sweet, when I woke up, I mean.” A faint smile appeared as you remember the warmth of his body draped over you, “He was out cold, laying on top of me. Fuck, he was like, clinging to me. But then he woke up and it was like a switch flipped… He pushed away from me, wouldn’t even look at me. I tried to ask him what was wrong, he gave some bullshit excuse and practically told me to get the fuck out.” You wrapped your arms around yourself as you stood in the middle of the room.

Bellamy stood up and came over to you, “He kicked you out after you slept with him? Why didn’t you tell me that when I picked you up, babe?” She was mad, that was clear, “I would have went straight up there and beat his ass. What an asshole!”

“We didn’t have sex…” Your voice was quiet as you stared out to the balcony, “But we still did things… That’s why I didn’t say anything. I felt used and I was embarrassed, Bell…”

“You didn’t sleep with him and he still let you stay? All night?” Sam was standing now too, trying to connect the pieces.

You released a huff of annoyance at having to repeat yourself, “No, I didn’t sleep with him and yes, I stayed all night. We made out, cuddled, wrestled a little bit and listened to music and then we fell asleep in the same bed, wrapped up in each other. Any more questions?” Pulling away from your friend, you stalked towards the sliding door to get a breath of air.

“He likes you, Y/N… Like, really fucking likes you.” Sam let out a chuckle and you turned around to glare at him, “No, I’m serious! It makes sense now!”

“No it doesn’t, Sam! Nothing makes sense!”

He flinched at your loud tone, “It does though…” He held his hands up in defense, waiting for you to lash out, but you stayed quiet, allowing him to explain, “Jake doesn’t let himself get close to anyone anymore. Not since Ivy. He barely hooks up, but when he does, it’s always some girl he meets in a bar that he knows he’ll likely never have to see again and he’s sending them home the minute he’s finished. Then here you come.” He was smiling like he solved an impossible puzzle, “I knew something was up with him. That day that I met you, when you came into the store and he forced me out?” You nodded to let him know that you remembered, “He was off his game. Normally, nothing can bother Jake, he’s always so sure of himself. But he was messing things up, putting shit where it didn’t go, and just overall in a shitty mood. Kept checking his phone and staring at the clock… Then you came in and there was this shift. For someone who doesn’t know him, it wouldn’t have been noticeable, but I noticed.”

You thought back on it for a moment, “You said he was on edge because of me…I wanted to ask what you meant but he was shoving you out the door before I got the chance.”

“I just kind of forgot all about it, but him sleeping with you- or not sleeping with but- well, you know what I mean.” He was waving his hands to get his point across, “Anyways… You said he kicked you out in the morning?” Nodding your head slowly, you told him about the entire interaction you had with his brother that Sunday morning, “He got freaked out. That’s it, I’m telling you!”

“Freaked out about what? He woke up with the same girl he asked to spend the night. What is there to get freaked out about?” Bellamy stared at Sam with her eyebrows raised high, clearly frustrated.

He slapped his palm over his forehead, “How can I simplify this…” He took a deep breath, “Jake hasn’t wanted anything past sex with women for two years. After Ivy, he changed. He-he’s closed off, doesn’t let anyone in, doesn’t let himself get close to people or let people get close to him. Ivy fucked him up, destroyed his trust.” He was talking with his hands, waving them around as he explained, “But he likes you and he refuses to admit it to himself. That’s why he freaked, because when he woke up, all cuddled up with you, it scared him. He’s afraid to get close to you because he thinks you’re gonna hurt him just like she did, Y/N.” Sam tossed himself onto the couch with a grin, proud of himself for cracking the case.

You let it all soak in, but something was still digging at your brain, “What did Ivy do to him, Sam?” You didn’t know what Jake was like before, but the way his little brother described it, she must’ve done a good bit of damage.

“That’s something he’s gonna have to tell you himself, it’s not my place.” He shrugged, leaving it at that, before grabbing Bellamy’s hand to pull her down on his lap, “Sorry, Y/N.”

You were fiddling with your fingers in silence for a few minutes while they both stared at you, completely lost in your own head. Your eyes went back to the balcony door as you gazed out at the city lights and then you were moving, heading for the front door and slipping your vans on. Bell called after you, asking what you were doing, but you just grabbed your keys from the hook and left.

💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿

“Come on…” You had been standing outside for at least 20 minutes, waiting for somebody to come through the front door of the building so that you could slip in. You tried calling Jake multiple times, but he would just send you straight to voicemail every time. Just as you were about to give up completely, by some stroke of luck, a man was coming outside. You rushed to get into the door before it shut and went straight for the stairwell, running up to Jake’s floor. When you made it to his door, you hesitated, wondering if what you were doing was a bad idea. Pushing the nerves aside, you shook out your hands to wrangle your nerves before leaving three knocks against the door. You could hear him shuffling around inside, but he wasn’t answering the door. You knocked again. No Answer. Refusing to leave without talking to him, you reached for the doorknob, chancing it with a slight twist. You were surprised when it turned and the door popped open, “Jake?” You said it quietly, unsure if you should have gone in at all. Closing the door softly, you walked a little further in, calling his name a bit louder, “Jake…”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He came out of the kitchen and walked by you, straight into the living room, making no move to send you back out, “How did you get in?”

You kicked your shoes off by the door and went after him, “You weren’t answering and it was unlocked. You ignored my calls… I need to talk to you.”

Jake was slumped into the couch, a bottle of bourbon in his hand, “Now you wanna talk. Convenient.” He scoffed, lifting the bottle to his mouth for a short chug, “You said you didn’t wanna see me, told me to leave you alone. So I did. Now you can repay that fucking courtesy.” His voice was calm, not the slightest hint of aggression despite his words.

You inched closer until you were standing at the end of the couch, looking down at him, “Tell me about Ivy.” You watched his eyes go wide as he swallowed hard, “What did she do to you, Jake?”

“Who the fuck- I’m gonna kill Josh.” He sat up, slamming the bottle on the coffee table with a bang, “There’s nothing to tell. It’s in the past and it’s nobody’s fucking business.” Now his chest was rising and falling hard, angry huffs pushing through his nose.

You didn’t come here to upset him, you came for clarity and he was the only one who could provide it. You put on the softest tone you could muster, “Baby, look at me…” His eyes flashed to you, a sad vulnerability in them that made your heart ache, “Why do you pull me in just to push me away? Tell me what she did, Jake, please.” He started to shake his head as you took a seat beside him, but you reached down, carefully taking his hand in yours, “How did she hurt you?”

He stared down at your hand wrapped around his, your thumb rubbing over his knuckles, “She left. That’s all people do is fucking lie and then leave.” He picked the bottle back up for another drink.

“Jake, I’m not leaving. I’m-“

“But you still lied, Y/N! You fucking lied right to my face!” His tone made you wince.

You pulled your hand from his, taking his face instead, “You’re right, I did. I’ll own up to that, Jake. I lied and I’m sorry.” You tilted his head, forcing him to look at you, “I can’t take that back, but you have to know it was only twice. I kissed him before I came into work and I don’t know why I did it, but then he came back and it happened again and I just-… You have my mind so messed up.” You watched him roll his eyes, ready to argue, “I’m not blaming you, I made the choice, that was all me. But you’re not entirely innocent either.”

He gripped your wrists gently, removing your hands from his skin, “I don’t know what you want me to say. What do you want to hear, Y/N?” He was lifting the bottle back to his lips when you snatched it from his hands.

“I just want the truth, Jake! You fucking string me along and just when i start to fall a little bit for you, thinking you might catch me, you cut the fucking string and leave me to fall on my face.” You put the bottle on the far end of the table, away from him, “If Sam’s right and you’re just afraid that I’ll hurt you, then tell me that. But if it’s all just some game, then it’s over. You don’t get to question me about what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with, it’s not fair!” Your voice was rising out of pure frustration, but he remained quiet, staring at the floor, “Tell me what you want, Jake… If you want me to leave, I will walk out that door right now and you’ll never have to see me again.” You waited for him to say something, anything, but he was silent, still avoiding your gaze, “Okay… I’ll text Josh my resignation.” Standing from the couch, you looked down at him, giving him one more chance before heading for the door.

Just as you slid your shoes on and grasped the doorknob, his hand was grasping onto your shirt, tugging you backwards, “Please don’t go.” His big brown eyes were pleading with you, holding all the emotions that his words couldn’t carry, “It’s not a game… Not anymore. I-.” He paused, fighting to find what he wanted to say, “I’ll tell you about her, just- Not tonight… Don’t make me talk about it tonight, peach.” He sounded so deflated, the complete opposite of the Jake you’d come to know.

“Okay.” Your hands went to his arms, sliding up over his shoulders to cup his face, “We don’t have to talk about her tonight, baby, it’s okay.” You kept a gentle tone, guiding your arms around his neck to pull him into an embrace. Despite the tension keeping his body stiff, you held him close, “Do you want me to stay, Jake?”

His movements were hesitant, but he slowly brought his arms up, circling them around your waist, “I do.” His face was buried in your neck as he mumbled the two words.

“Are you still gonna want this in the morning?” It came out a whisper.

“I will.” His body finally began to relax against you, “Promise. That night you stayed, my birthday…” His was still murmuring against your throat, “I slept so well. For the first time in so long.” He was tightening his arms around you as the confession spilled from his mouth.

“Then why did you kick me out?” You brought your hands back to his shoulders, trying to push him away so you could look at him, but his grip remained locked.

Jake released a soft sigh, “That shirt you picked to wear- the old store shirt… That’s the one she always reached for.” His lips were tickling over your skin as he spoke in a solemn tone, “When I woke up, I was groggy. I saw the shirt, your body underneath me…felt like the last time I woke up with her and it made me sick.” He finally lifted his head from your neck, meeting your eyes, “When I came out of the bathroom, I wanted to tell you to stay but the look on your face… I knew you’d want an explanation and I couldn’t-.”

“Whatever she did, whatever pain she caused you,” You held his liquor-blushed cheeks, “I’m not here as a reminder, let me help you forget it, Jake… Just let me in.”

“I’ll try” He let his head fall back into the crook of your neck, letting the silence take over as he breathed you in. You held onto him, pulling your fingers through his tangled hair, until he finally spoke up again, “Can we go to bed, peach?”

His arms tightened around your waist again as he lifted you from the floor. You wrapped your legs around him, keeping a grip on his shoulders as you whispered, “Yeah, baby. Let’s go to bed.” Allowing him to carry you into his bedroom and kick the door shut behind him.

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🤍Taglist🤍

@jakekiszkasbuttsweat @ieatedasammy @twistedmelodies @dropdeadalyx31 @ageofbajabule @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @ignite-my-fire @becinabubblegvf @literal-dead-leaf @sanguinebats @myleftsock @laneygvf @writingcold @sinarainbows @lipstickitty @giraffehippy @jakesmustache @gracev0609 @gretavansara @profitofthedune @gvfmarge @brookekiszkaa @earthgrlsreasy @welllauragvf @takenbythemadness @swim2shore

[merik72-blog]

⚠️ CRINGE FANFIC PAST THE BREAK ⚠️

"Keqing..." Ganyu murmured, "your form?" She lazily placed her fingers atop Keqing's wrists, guiding them. "Would you like me to remind you?" she continued.

Keqing's posture stiffened slightly and her eyes widened for a moment. Ganyu's breath tickled the back of Keqing's neck, causing jolts of Electro to dance down her spine. She slowly turned her head while cracking a shaking smile.

"Yes- I mean- No, I remember. Straight wrists. To line up with the force of the weapon, right?" Following the pressure of Ganyu's fingers, Keqing started relaxing her wrists.

"Mmhmm, better," said Ganyu, yawning.

Ganyu's morning voice took out whatever parts of Keqing's brain were still functioning. Her mind was sent swimming. She couldn't help but notice how the groggy morning Ganyu was a bit more informal, a bit less reserved...

These archery lessons would be more affecting than Keqing anticipated.

---- End of Fanfic. Beginning of random thoughts ----

I want to believe that Ganyu uses war bows with serious draw weight: she fought in a war, didn't she? So, God as my witness, she should have the muscles to do that.

I bet Ganyu's lat spread is crazy. Wings and horns? Is she an alicorn? buffalo wild wings?

I also don't personally ship these two very hard, but just Aesthetically though?

I had a lot of fun with this one. For the sake of learning, I tried using no blending (full cell shading), no blending layers, and choosing every color using the color wheel. I definitely wouldn't do it this way again, but it felt instructive!

I think i'm gonna draw some class of '09 next because if i don't get some of this out of my system i'm gonna be watching jeckole animatics forever

Here are the progress shots of this because i just love how the sketch/lineart of them look

I wanted to draw a complex background but I just hated how it looked, so i scrapped it and put them on the jade chamber.

i want groggy ganyu! i would love to see an irritated/fed up Ganyu. Do you ever think Ganyu gets finished with a 30 hour shift and just go "fuck work, fuck this, i can't believe this shit. the whole country is resting on whether or not i decide to slave away working inhumane hours"

I also made pfps of these for myself and the loml. This makes it kinda look like I headcanon Ganyu as trans; lmao. i don't but nothing against anyone who does. if you wanna use these, idk credit me ig. if you dm me and ask nicely, i might send you one with a transparent background instead lol. if i have time

the keqing border looks worse imo but it was mine so idrc

[lacontroller1991]

Whumptober Day 1: Johnny Lawrence

Main Master List || Whumptober Master List

DAY 1: Drugging/Sick/Poisoned (Sub: Bloody Knuckles)

Summary: You got in a fight for your life and the only thing you could think about is going to the comfort of your sensei, unknowing of your wounds.

WARNINGS: Blood, open wounds, ILLUSION TO ATTEMPTED S.A

----------

You don’t know where you’re going. You don’t know what day it is. You don’t know whether it’s sunny or raining and you don't know what time it is. All you know is that your feet subconsciously carry you to the door of the man who had inadvertently saved your life. Letting out a shaky sigh, you slowly raise your fist, hoping that he’s home. Knocking against the wooden door, you wince from the pain, looking down at your knuckles and seeing red everywhere.

Too engrossed in your thoughts, you don’t realize when the door opens, revealing your sensei on the other side, confused as to why you showed up at his door. “(Y/N)?” Your name being called snaps you out of your thoughts as you look up at Johnny, your lip quivering slightly before you launch yourself into him, grabbing onto his shirt and sobbing into the fabric. In confusion and concern, Johnny guides you through his door before shutting it, letting you cling to him. “What’s going on?” 

“I- I was walking home from class- and- these guys came from nowhere. I had to-” you choke, sniffling, ignoring the way your fists burn. “I had to defend myself.” Johnny doesn’t need a full explanation to get the gist of what had transpired. Looking down, he winces at your busted, bloody knuckles. Despite the situation, he is glad that you were able to utilize what he has taught you to defend yourself, afterall, that’s what it’s for.

“Ok, ok. Let’s get them cleaned up,” he comments softly, guiding you to his bathroom and sitting you down on the toilet. He rushes to the medical cabinet, grabbing some alcohol wipes, bandages and hydrogen peroxide before returning to your side, kneeling in front of you. “This is gonna hurt. Is that ok?” 

You nod silently, holding out your hands to him, not really saying anything. You watch as he gently takes your hands in his, wiping away the dried blood with some alcohol and revealing your busted knuckles. You slightly flinch away from him as he pours hydrogen peroxide and he immediately pulls away, looking up at you in concern. 

“Are you ok?”

You nod your head, tears having subsided to hiccups. “Yeah, sorry, I’m still shaken.”

“Don’t apologize. I know that even if you have the tools to protect yourself it still doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s terrifying. I hate that you had to use them.” His voice is sincere as you allow him to retake your hands, lightly dabbing the peroxide onto the wounds. In the dojo, Johnny is intimidating and can come off as scary, but when you get to know him, he really cares about each and every student. “I remember when I lost the All Valley tournament back in ‘84 my sensei had placed me in a chokehold. I was so terrified that even though I was really good at karate, it didn’t mean anything in that moment. It really says something about your strength that you fought through that fear,” his words are more comforting than you thought they would be as he finishes wrapping up your knuckles. “Do you want to go to the police? Get those bastards behind bars?”

You shake your head, a small smile on your face. “Even though my knuckles are fucked up, you should see them.” Johnny smiles in response, standing to his full height and offering you a hand, helping you up.

“I don’t doubt it. You’re one hell of a fighter. Do you need a ride home?” 

“Can I stay here for a little?” Johnny is slightly confused as to why you would want to stay at his place but he doesn’t make a comment on it. Instead, he moves to his kitchen and pulls out two Coors Banquets, handing one to you. 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” You nod in thanks, taking a seat on the couch next to him as he turns on his tv. The both of you watch in silence for a few minutes before you turn to look at him. 

“Hey sensei?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. Without you teaching me, I don’t want to know what could’ve happened to me.” 

“I’m just glad that the lessons were useful and that you can protect yourself.” He smiles in return, taking a sip from his beer. You nod in response, taking a sip of your own beer as you internally thank yourself for walking into Cobra Kai that one day that changed your life. 

==========

[quicktosimp]

Your Turn

Warnings: Sub!Spider, Mean!Reader, Dacryphila, Cum Eating, Drooling, Overstimulation, Anal Fingering, Pegging, Degradation, Spitting , Aged Up

Part 1 here

A/N: This has been in the works for a long time now! I am so happy to give @fuckyoumakeart their gift, and I am sorry it has been so late ❤️❤️

“You just can’t help yourself, can you?” I sighed in disappointment.

Looking down at Spider, he lays on his back, and his chest shakes with each breath. His arms spread wide above his head, wrists bound, chaffed by his struggling against the ropes. The same goes for his ankles, lifted high, forming a V. Spider’s body was soaked in sweat as he moaned around the gag, spreading his mouth wide. 

“I told you no, and did you listen? No,” I groaned, swiping a lone finger and smearing the mess Spider left on his stomach after cumming, “I just wanted you to be a good boy so we could have fun tonight, but now I have to think of a punishment,” I pouted at him.

Playing with the pool of cum on his stomach, I got an idea. Looking at Spider’s face, I easily unlatched the gag from him, letting it slide off his face. Spider worked his jaw, easing the ache as his drool dripped off his face.

“Please, baby, I tried, but it was just too much; please don’t make me do this again,” Spider’s words were quiet as he tried to find my eyes.

I giggled as I scooped as much of it as possible into my palm, dragging it over his face, “Trying isn't good enough. Now, hold this for me,” I waited for Spider’s mouth to open before tilting my hand and pouring his seed into his mouth.

Spider’s mouth filled with cum, covering his tongue. He tried to keep himself from flinching at the taste, not wanting to upset me. 

“Aww, now that’s a cute sight. I like it when you obey me,” I wipe the remaining cum on Spider’s cheek before turning back to between his legs.

Long and muscular, flexing in their bonds, Such a beautiful sight to behold. I couldn’t help myself as I rubbed around the underside of his knees and racked my nails down his thighs, leaving trails of raised red skin. Spider’s legs trembled under my hands as he attempted to moan around his full mouth.

I chuckle as I continue, tracing patterns on his thighs and legs, making Spider squirm from the pain, even as his cock twitches on his stomach. Getting tired of this game, I took my hands off Spider’s legs, watching as he lifted his hips, attempting to seek my touch.

“I love how you’re so needy,” I hummed, skimming my hand over Spider’s prone body but not giving him the relief of touch, “If you’re so desperate, maybe I can make it better,” I mocked him.

Spider’s cock was still an angry red from cumming not long ago. It hadn’t even had time to soften. I take his dick into my hand, wrapping my fingers around the shaft. Spider’s whines increased in pitch as he tried to wiggle away from my touch, only succeeding in fucking himself into my hand. His moans garbled from the cum in his mouth mixed with his drool, sliding down his face. 

“Aww come on, baby, I just want to play with your cock some more. You know I love playing with it. Now be a good boy and stay still,” I cooed at him.

Spider forced his hips down and stilled as more of the thick liquid spilled from his whimpering lips. 

With my free hand, I smile at him and pat his face, “Good boy.”

My grasp was feather-light, but that didn’t stop Spider’s whining as I played with his oversensitized cock. He did everything he could to keep still, even as tears spilled from his eyes and his hips fought to stay in place. I stroked his cock from base to tip, feeling it twitch in my hands, unsure whether it wanted the touch or to escape it. Spider’s moans and whimpers kept me entertained as I played with him. Slowly his cock started leaking pre, adding to the mess over him.

“Maybe I should make you cum from this, just some gentle teasing. Your body is so fucking greedy. I bet you could cum from this,” I muse, wondering if I wanted to pull another orgasm from Spider so soon.

A sob forced its way through Spider, slattering the cum and drool over his face and neck, leaving him covered. 

I yanked my hand off of him, “Look at you! That was so disgusting!” I screamed in outrage, “I asked you for one fucking thing! And you couldn’t even do that correctly?” I sneered at his filthy face.

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t stop it! I’m so sorry!” Spider begged as more tears fell from his doe-like eyes.

“I keep hearing you say sorry, but that doesn’t clean up your mess.”

“Please, I’ll be good, please, Tìyawn, let me be good for you,” Spider’s voice was wet but determined as he begged; in a way, I couldn’t help but believe him.

Releasing that I was being a touch too mean, I figured I could give him another chance. I slowly walked over into our shared bathroom, needing to grab a quick tool.

“Okay, Spider, I’ll let you be a good boy for me,” I said softly, moving back between his legs. “But first, I have to clean you up a little,” I said, showing him the object I had received.

His bright red electric toothbrush held high, covered in minty toothpaste. The look on Spider’s face was beautiful. I knew he wanted to protest, but unwilling to push me further, he nodded obediently. 

“Yes, Tìyawn, whatever you wish,” He swallowed loudly as fear covered his face while I slowly moved the toothbrush to his weeping dick. 

At first, I rubbed the gel-like substance over his cock, smearing it along his shaft but not letting him feel the bristles. Slowly I moved up, spreading it over his cock head, then I waited because I knew it wouldn’t be long.

And I was right; Spider’s face slowly morphed into one of pain and pleasure as the coldness seeped into his dick, covering every inch and engulfing him in the sensations. 

“Oh, Eywa!” Spider’s deep brown eyes were wide as he rolled his hips, trying to escape the cold.

“Nope, not Eywa, just me,” I laugh at my own joke before placing the toothbrush back on his cock head, starting to scrub it. 

“Oh fuck, n-, shit, fu- oh!” Spider’s moaned as his eyes rolled back, his head hitting the bed with a thump.

“It’s a good thing that was soft. Norm said even a light bump, and you’d be back on bed rest. I’d have to tie you down to make you behave, but that’s not too different from right now, is it?” I rub my cheek against his thigh before sinking my teeth into his flesh, leaving a ring of purple. “Maybe I should do that anyway? I like having you all tied up for me. Nothing more than a pretty moaning slut. Just a cock for me to use when I get horny, not that I’d use it now, though…” 

Despite the obvious agony he was in, Spider’s cock was yet again leaking pre, bubbling at the tip before I brushed it away again, mixing it with the foamy toothpaste. His dick was an angry red as it throbbed erratically in my hand. I swiped the toothbrush over the tip again as more pre spilled out, leaking into the pool on his stomach.

“Yes! I-I’m yo-your cock!” Spider’s words were barely understandable over his moans.

“Such a good boy, knowing your place, cause that’s right, you are my cock,” Grabbing his dick, I stroked it harshly, uncaring of the speed and pressure, “Now cum!”

Spider’s moan was choked as his back arched, and his seed spilled onto his stomach, his hips rolling into my hand, fucking the last ropes of cum out of himself. Not nearly as much came out of Spider this time; most of it came out earlier. I slowed down my pace but not relenting as I continued to stroke his cock. And his moans soon turned to whimpers as Spider tried to get away from my touch, bucking and twisting his hips to get away. But I was relentless in my efforts, ensuring I had wrung out every last drop.

“P-plea-please! S-st-op!” Tears flowed down Spider’s face as his screams echoed throughout our room.

I slowed my pace down, savoring his wines before I stopped letting go of his dick, “Fine, if you must spoil my fun,” I signed dramatically as if I didn’t already know what I was going to do to him next.

“S-s-soo-ry,” His pitiful whine came out.

I laughed at him as I prepared the object I had ready, stepping into the straps and tightening them accordingly. I grabbed a clean glove, ensuring none of the toothpaste got into it. I may be cruel, but that would be a tad far even for me. And finally, I grabbed the large bottle of lube. I smacked Spider’s thigh, gaining his attention, as his breaths were still unsteady from his orgasm. 

“Remember this?” I asked, letting the thick silicone cock rub against his thigh. 

Spider tensed his asshole, remembering the feeling of being spread open on this cock. How sore it left him, but the pleasure it brings, and even Spider knows the pros outweigh the cons. I can see it in his eyes as he licks his lips. Probably remembering the taste when I fucked his mouth after fucking his ass last time. 

“It’s your cock,” He answered breathlessly.

Smirking, I leaned over his, rubbing the fake cock along the cleft of his ass, “That’s right! Good boy! Now tell me, where does my cock belong?” 

Spider licks his lips as he stares into my eyes. His own are red and wet from leftover tears, “Wherever you want,” His voice was reverent as he relaxed again into his bonds.

“You really are my precious,” I gently pat his thigh. 

I opened the bottle of lube, pouring a generous amount onto my fingers. I warmed the lube between my fingers, spreading it around before I brought my hand down and rubbed at Spider’s puckered hole. A breathy moan left his lips at my gentle touch. I continued to rub around his tight muscle, spreading the lube around and easing his hole open for me. All I could hear were Spider’s soft breaths; his head was thrown back, and his eyes closed in bliss. I inched my finger inside, wiggling it around until my palm met his ass. I eased my finger out, purposely avoiding his sweet spots, before thrusting it back in. A cute little whimper left his mouth as I continued my actions, feeling Spider tense around a single digit. 

“Such a good boy, but we both know you can do better than that,” With that, I eased in a second finger, and I watched as his ass swallowed my fingers, nearly drooling at the sight.

Spider hissed in a breath, “Oh fuck.”

“That’s it,” I cooed, starting to move my hand a bit faster.

Spider’s cock twitched weakly, interested in the attention, but spent after cumming twice. He started to rock his hips, trying to get me to go faster.

I smacked Spider’s hip, making him still, “Tell me, baby, use your words and not your slutty ass. What do you want?”

“More, please,” Spider moaned as I sped up my fingers.

I cocked my head to the side, “More? Okay, I can give you more,” and I squeezed in a third finger.

I spread my fingers around, wiggling them around, as his walls flutter around them. The feeling of his body submitting to my hands is addictive as it loosens, begging for more. 

“Such a pretty asshole, I could play with it all day,” I mutter, more to myself, but the responding moan tells me Spider liked the idea just as much.

I removed my fingers from his hole, much to his disappointment, “No, please, more.”

I ignored him as I popped the cap on the lube again, pouring it across the silicone cock, the deep blue of the silicone now shining. I placed the cap's top near his hole and poured more lube out, and pushed the remaining in with my fingers. 

“Come on, pretty boy, open up for me,” I grab Spider’s thigh with one hand and my strap with the other, lining the tip with his asshole.

Spider’s eyes were blown wide as I slowly pushed in, watching as the tight ring of muscles gradually gave way to the cock head until it finally popped past his rim and closed around the shaft. 

“Eywa!” Spider shouted as his back bowed.

I chuckle as I glide the rest inside him, pushing until my hips meet his ass. My thighs became sticky from the spilled lube. Needing to tease him a bit more, I grind my hips into his, giving him a slow, warm pleasure, which is not what he wants.

Soft grunts escape from his mouth, “Please,” He whispers.

“Please? Please what? I like you using your manors, but you gotta tell me what you want,” I grinned as I lazily ground my hips.

Spider gulped, “Will you please…” Spider trailed off as his flush intensified.

“Words Slut!” I demanded.

Tears pricked at his eyes, “Please fuck my ass,” his words were no more than a whisper, but it was enough for me.

“Gladly,” I pulled out completely before slamming it all back in.

“Oh!” Spider exclaimed, his eyes crossed.

I kept the pace, no matter how difficult it was, hearing each broken moan as I punched it out of him.

“Ah, ah, ah, ah!” Spider’s body rocked with every thrust.

“Good boy,” I grunted over my movements, my nails digging into Spider’s thigh.

I angled my hips so the cock was angled upward.

“Oh fuck!” Spider screamed, and I knew I found the right spot. 

I aimed for that spot over and over again, and Spider’s cock twitched each time. Sweat built over my body, sliding down my neck; my legs ached with each thrust, but watching Spider made it all worth it. Spider’s face was a mess of tears, drool, and cum, and his mouth slack from the continued moans. Spider thrashed his head from side to side as he pulled on his bonds, his chaffed wrists becoming redder. His chest was covered in sweat and old cum, red from his flush, as he heaved each breath. Spider’s thoughts were covered in my nail marks, and his ass a delicious red from my thrusts, sticky with lube as his asshole stretched around the large blue cock. And his cock was red, twitching, unable to get hard again, yet was leaking pre. 

“You wanna cum, baby?” I growled.

“Ye-es! Wa-nn-a, w-wa-nna cum!” Spider gasped out, his eyes rolling back. 

I leaned over his chest and grabbed his cock in my hand. I fisted his cock to match the speeds of my thrust, and Spider’s moans turned to screams.

“No! Pl-ple-ease! To-to much! Gon-nna cum!” 

“Then cum! Cum for me!”

Spider’s body became tense as dribbles of cum left his cock, unable to produce anymore. He held his breath as he went completely silent. But that didn’t last long, as I continued to stroke his cock harshly. Having cum three times, the pleasure was unbearable.

“NO! Stop! No more! Please!” Spider begged me, shaking his head.

I let go of his cock, and pushed the silicone back inside fully as I reached over him and grabbed his face, “Remember this the next time you do something stupid,” With that, I spat in his mouth, which Spider eagerly swallowed. 

I untied the straps but left the cock in his ass. I walked over and climbed over Spider, leaving my pussy in front of his face.

“Come on now, don’t be selfish.”

Dividers by: @cafekitsune

[nabaath-areng]

I don't know how to handle breaking down like this, I was free for a while from the bouts of complete and utter inability to move and react to my environment for between an hour to several hours at a time while my heart and pulse go absolutely haywire, I have barely any energy to keep up a conversation without feeling like I have to disconnect from my body entirely, I feel like all I do these days is despairing over the fact that I don't know what's wrong, that I'm not strong enough to fight for any sort of help and worrying that by the time someone cares enough to look it will be too late for me.

I know full well that I've had the means to recognize when something's wrong completely beaten out of me and it terrifies me to think that I won't be able to distinguish between daily shit vs actual danger. I don't recognize myself, I don't know how to feel normal, my physical breakdown is stealing everything I love from me and I'm starting to lose hope.

My throat hurts so fucking bad because the tears want to explode but they can't cause I've lost almost all ability to show both pain and negative emotion like crying. I'm trying to stay normal, to force myself to do the things I love, but I get so exhausted and I feel like a burden on everyone I know for being a mere shell of my former self. Even when I was broken down from psychosis people told me that I made them laugh. I used to be on the phone with my mom for up to 3 hours every time. Now I can't even read her messages without feeling horrible dread about being unable to mentally conjure up a response.

I'm starting to resent my home even though I love it because it's starting to turn into my prison. At least before I could leave the house and go out. Now I have to debate whether or not it's safe for me to shower half of the time. I fall from the stars more and more often nowadays. I keep passing out and injuring myself, both small dips and full out collapses. My hearing and vision both black out more often than before. My foot is deforming itself, and so is my knee it seems. My thumbs are broken beyond repair. Brain gets so foggy I can't do anything but stare into nothing.

I struggle with speech more and more, language is getting harder, and I struggle more and more in games including FFXIV because I lose all ability to move my hands and grasp what they should do or where they should be or move. I am struggling to keep my composure when upset more than usual or I get so apathetic that the thoughts I get scare me with how uncharacteristically negative they are. One day activity requires several days to recover from.

I keep trying to not talk about it cause I don't wanna burden anyone or make everything about myself to be this, but god it's turning out that way anyway and it's not like I'm even good at pretending that this isn't killing me on a fundamentally soul deep level.

I want to be okay so fucking bad and I want to be happy and I wanna draw and write and play games and talk to and hang out with friends and loved ones and take walks and grocery shop and cook and bake and so much more. I don't know how to not feel useless now that I'm losing the extremely few things I actually had potential with.

Maybe my worth as a person does not lie in my productivity but I guess I'm a bad disabled person then for finding it hard to be happy about losing everything I fought to stay alive for. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point I'm so tired and sad and

I don't know what to do about it and I don't know how to make things better even though I'm desperate to figure something out that doesn't require me to humiliate myself before healthcare providers that scold and berate me for being a stupid autistic hypochondriac tranny addicted to google and benefits. More and more it seems like the most likely outcome is a downwards spiral of this until there's nothing left and every part of me is beyond repair and salvation. A slow and painful demise outside my control. I don't know how to process the possibility that I might not get to live as long as I maybe should.

[woodsfae]

B5 s03e13 A Late Delivery From Avalon table of contents - previous episode

B5 has money problems now that they're semi-independent from Earth. They should consider bringing back the merchandising. :P

Interesting dream sequence. Vision? I suspect we'll find out who this dream having person is in this episode. If he's been introduced already in the show, I can't recall it.

Oh. OH! I'm here for Marcus being friends with Dr Franklin. They seem sweet together. idk what it is about these actors in this show, but their emotions absolutely radiate sincerity.

Ah, the dude having a vision claims that he's King Arthur! If we're about to dip into the high fantasy side of B5 then we're in for a good time. What a hilarious concept, though - King Arthur in space!!

Hm, Marcus is very good with King Arthur. Who speaks perfect modern english and is 1700 years out of time and place. It could have been the Vorlons like with Jack the Ripper, but he knew where he came from and had a reason to be speaking modern English - the Vorlons kept him educated.

Arthur escaped the medical bay and went straight for the saddest, oldest lady in the Down Below. I'm inclined to like him! And to think that he is, somehow, Arthur, even if only in spirit.

G'Kar is so awesome. See someone kicking the shit out of assholes, join in when asshole reinforcements join up. One of King Arthur's new 23rd century knights? And he is! G'Kar is so socially intelligent and so charming. What a great duo they are: King Arthur and Sir G'Kar the Red Knight!

Dang, mental note: make a gif of G'Kar standing up then passing the fuck out. That was funny as hell. Also, I appreciate that Arthur said Gawain used to do that, because I had thought to myself that G'Kar could be the 23rd century Gawain!

Dr Franklin found Arthur's dna match in an Earthforce soldier! And he doesn't recognize a photo of himself. He was at the Battle of the Line, got a medal for valor, and was honorably discharged. But he was on the first ship to encounter the Minbari, the Prometheus. The one that started the war with Minbar, and by the cut of the flashback, Arthur was the person manning the gun who fired on the ship. And then fought in the war all the way through, survived a suicide mission and was discharged.

This begs the question: where did he get the armor and sword? Was he coincidentally a really big Arthuriana buff or did he have to study up?

Marcus was right: confronting him with the information did great harm. And also, Dr Franklin isn't a psychologist. I'm pretty sure that wasn't best practice for such a sensitive topic. And now King Arthur is catatonic! But we need him more than ever in these divided times. :(

G'Kar as Gawain, Dr Franklin as Bedivere, and Delenn as the Lady of the Lake. That's pretty beautiful, actually. Which knight does Marcus get to be? He seems like a Galahad to me.

This is more proof of my Delenn-as-a-telepath theory. She's just involved in so much telepathic and mystical shit, it seems like she must have at least some low level skills.

I can't take any joy in Garibaldi fucking with people when he's such a dick in the first place. He's just a petty asshole who's nice to the people he likes. And that's not the type of person I get along with.

I fully support King Arthur joining the Narnuan resistance. Seems like a place he'll thrive, whether or not he can remember his Earthforce memories very well.

ngl I think he is Arthur. Reincarnated, maybe.

Bester is back in the next!

[pretttydemonboy]

they called it so quickly, so much quicker than the last one i think. i can't remember what 2016's felt like, but i know i was drunk during that one too. i've made it a point to be drunk on election night, because whether i'm celebrating or mourning, i'm always glad when it's over.

on January 6th, 2021, while bigots stormed the capital with their cries of a stolen election, one of my friends dropped dead in their backyard. to this day i still don't know how or why. is it wrong to be glad that they didn't have to see that? that they didn't have to see this election?

people are saying, 'we survived him once, we'll do it again' but the truth of the matter is that some people didn't survive. many people. and some of us who did make it through did not do so unscathed.

and those of us that are still here? panicked talks of moving, of detransitioning, of making sure our paperwork won't arouse too much suspicion. should we get married while we still can? should we make sure our wills explicitly state who we're giving things to, just in case?

if we get married, will it matter? will the ones that voted for him still hold him in such high esteem when he nullifies their vows, when he strips away their disability, their retirement, their pension, their ability to vote four years from now? do they think that sucking the enemy's cock with enough enthusiasm will save them?

if we buy into a favorite talking point of the right, the right to defend oneself, the stand your ground crowd, if we all get our permits and we get our guns, and we use them in the way that they say we should be able to, will we be safe in the courts? or is it only self defense if the one doing the shooting fits the white criteria? if they figure out the reason that someone was coming after you was because you were a faggot, a tranny, or black, hispanic, or someone trying to have an abortion, will the court give a single fuck about your rights after that?

i don't have these answers, any of them. i am at a loss for what to make of the world that i live in. i struggle to remember a time i felt proud to be here. i've spent the last decade wondering whether i should just off myself so that nobody got the chance to do it themselves. this is my reality. this is the world i live in, these are the thoughts that plague my brain. i don't want to die. and i'll be damned if some motherfucker is gonna take me out because they were so fuckin certain they had the right.

and that's ultimately why i'm still here. because fuck. that. these freaks don't get to erase me. they won't erase who i am, they won't erase who i love, and they sure as fuck won't erase my community no matter how hard they try. we have always been here. we will always. be. here.

i am depressed, numb, scared, and angry all at the same time. but above all of that, there is so much that i love about my life, so much that i have to look forward to. i won't let anyone take that away from me. i will not kneel, i will not fucking yield.

even if i can't do much, even if i'm not cut out for the grittier parts of revolution, i will do what i can. mutual aid, safe spaces, organizing, community, creating weird fucking art, all of it. i will do whatever i can for myself, the people i love, the people that came and fought before me, the people that will continue to fight even after i am gone. i won't give up.

if i can ask anything of you, whoever manages to read through this, it is that you do one thing to make the world better than it is. however small that may be, it will mean everything to someone else.

i love you all.

[some-triangles]

It's Portland's annual new year blizzard/ice storm, which we are unprepared for every year, because this never used to happen. It barely snowed here when I was a kid! I was a kid 30 years ago, mind you, and this has been happening pretty consistently for the last 20, but institutions are slow to change. We have been spending our money on other things.

So here I am, sitting in my own living room (my own in the sense that I rent it), in my long johns and thermals and two pairs of socks, heat on, still gradually losing feeling in my toes. This seems like a good day to write the politics post.

I belong to the category of person who expresses political and moral beliefs mostly through jokes, and only then when my personal frustration has reached a point where I can no longer make myself be quiet. The jokes are there to make the pain less raw, but lately the jokes themselves are getting dark enough that it's upsetting people. So let's proceed without the jokes.

Where to begin? In the 90s, I guess. I was brought up liberal but cynical, which is already kind of a tense balance, and I was by inclination a person who wanted things to make sense and follow understandable rules. (The answer is as always neurodivergence.) I figured out that religion wasn't real by looking at a map and realizing that the world was too big for any one group of people to be right about things. Despite this, I still thought American democracy was the correct answer, the least bad option, and that the world as a whole was heading towards where I was, a kind of tolerant, reasonable middle class existence.

In my defense, this was a belief broadly shared by my parents' generation, and I hadn't been taught a lot of the stuff that argued against it. Francis Fukuyama got up in front of people and declared the world a solved problem and nobody important even laughed at him. I bought into this to the extent that I suffered from a kind of wistful sadness that all the important battles had already been fought. In short, I was a child, and not a particularly bright one, despite what people told me. I did, however, form a belief that stays with me to this day:

I AM NOT SPECIAL. I, personally, do not deserve any more or any less than any human being. And since I think I should be safe and well fed, every other human being should also be safe and well fed. The fact that I am better off than some others is an accident which should be rectified.

This came about because I was aware that a lot of the people in the world were poor and miserable and I wasn't, and I had to decide whether luck or virtue was responsible for my safety. I went with luck. I didn't realize it at the time, but this choice put me at odds with a lot of the logic underlying the society I live in - because if I'm not special, you better believe nobody else is either, and that means no elect, no chosen, none blessed by god, none elevated by blood. I was 10, I hadn't even had a chance to fuck up my life yet, and yet there were all these other 10-year-olds worse off than me. Did they deserve that? And what about those kids who had it better?

And so, decades later, we end up with the joke about how it's a good deal to trade your life away to take out a rich person. It's the same impulse, just with a lot of broken promises and bitterness stacked on top. I work full time at a job that's officially essential (no stoppage during the pandemic), strenuous, and physically dangerous - I get paid the 1993 equivalent of a little less than $30k a year - I will never be able to afford a home in the city I grew up in. This job has to be done. I am not special, I do not "deserve" a better job. I, as a working person, watch people who do jobs that do not need to be done or who don't work at all get paid more because they are members of an invisible elect. I conclude that they must believe they are worth more than me, that they are better than me, because how else could they justify their lives? And I think if I subscribed to that worldview, it would be a net win for me to blow both of us up. Thus, the joke.

I also watch the rest of the world. My belief in liberal democracy is a pretty aerated Jenga tower by this point. Learning about America's imperial history took out a bunch of pieces, but I could still believe all that was behind us. Then we went back to war, which I could initially write off as a traumatic reaction, but as years turned into decades it became obvious that peace had been the exception, and that even that peace hadn't been that peaceful, had it? At that point it was still possible to believe that at least all of our bombing and killing had been in the interest of some kind of moral good, if you really tried. I think Gaza killed the very last part of me that could believe that. There is no atrocity we will not enable to pursue our own ends. Does it matter that much what kind of system we use to choose our leaders if this is what our leaders do?

The last thing keeping my tower standing is the need to protect the outgroups I and my friends belong to, which doesn't really rise to the level of a moral imperative. It's a moment by moment strategic thing, where you support institutions if they protect you and oppose them if they attack you, like any interest group. Right now HR culture and capitalism are trending pro-trans, so we support Disney against Florida. We will do voter suppression if the alternative is Trump. It doesn't go well with rule number one up there, but neither does the fact that I care about my friends more than I care about people I don't know.

At the end of the day it's all a joke. Moral imperatives give way to political reality one hundred percent of the time. It doesn't matter what I call myself. I hate tech culture, so why not be a Luddite? I'll smash steam looms in my mind while continuing to pay for my groceries. Just let me have my jokes. Trashfuture did a great riff about Butlerian Jihad the other day where they imagined a butler named Ian Jihad. "I've oriented sir's slippers towards Mecca, sir." That's the kind of political commentary I want, and the kind I will refrain from posting here unless my toes are really, really cold.

[lovingherrscher]

Rebellion -  叛逆の物語

Warning: Contains spoilers of Madoka Magica the Movie: Rebellion, so read at your own risk!

Note: I was really lost that whether I should post this here or not, since this is a very, very old work of mine. I wrote this about 3 years ago I think? Well I did it anyway, please enjoy this! What was I thinking when I wrote this you may ask? I always wanted to make a scenario where I can take Dazai out and see my all-time favorite series, up till now it’s still got some pretty heavy impact on me, so I whipped this up randomly, I couldn’t recall how did I manage to go this far. Again, I’m sorry if there’s any grammar mistakes, or in some case did I make Dazai seems OOC. 

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It's been a while since you two have a movie night, and since both of you got the day off tomorrow, Dazai decided that tonight will be movie night. He texted you to choose the movie on the way home and he'll prepare the popcorn and stuffs. It didn't take too long for you to answer, instead of popcorn, you told him to prepare some tissues and hot chocolate with marshmallows. Dazai was surprised, usually you'd be the one who ask for popcorn, but maybe you just want some change once in a while.

When you're back, everything is already set up. Dazai even place a few extra pillows around the sofa too, so you won't be sore even if you fell asleep. It's about 7pm, the perfect time to start. Yes, you two skipped dinner for movie night. You inserted the disk then went back to the sofa with Dazai.

Puella Magi Madoka Magica

"A magical girl anime? Now that's rare. Why did you choose this, (y/n)?"

"I just wanted to share some new things with you, Dazai. Is there anything wrong?"

"Nothing, let us get back to the movie, shall we?"

The first, then the second episode passed, everything seems normal, at least it was until the third episode. That part when Mami confessed that she wasn't all reliable and that she was only forcing herself to man up made you cry, even though it's the third or fourth time you seen it.

"I don't deserve anyone's admiration."

"I'm just forcing myself to man up."

Eventually, you two reached the eighth episode, where Sayaka lost herself and let the despair take her, so that she became a Witch. It took more than just a box of tissues and hot chocolate for you to calm.

"When wishing for someone's happiness, someone must be cursed in order to keep the balance."

"The balance between hope and despair remains at zero."

"That's how us Magical Girls work."

"I'm...such an idiot."

No matter how many times you seen this scene, it always manage to strike you right in the heart. You could say that you can understand the Holy Quintet's pain. To Mami, it was loneliness, to Sayaka, it was the feeling when you realized you've done everything for the man you love, but ended up didn't have the courage to tell him about how you feel, to Kyoko, it was the guilt when you did something you thought it'd be good but then fucked up. To Madoka, it was a bit lack of self-confident and sacrifice because of the wants to help everyone ends their suffering. Last, but not least, to Homura, it was the burning desire to protect the one you love, using every methods you have to, even if it was the cruelest thing you ever did.

Dazai stays silent as you two reached the next episode, when Kyoko took Madoka to fought against Oktavia, hoping they could get Sayaka back. There was that line Kyoko said, in the Witch's barrier that made Dazai remember his old days back in the Dark Era, when he was still a mafia executive.

"Only people who have been forced into a corner would do this kind of job that disregards their lives."

He, too, wasn't given a choice. Joining the Mafia was his only choice then. Mori took him under his wings and trained him to be an exact copy of him, so Dazai could one day took the position of being the Mafia Boss. He despise both that man, and himself, who would have become an another him if it wasn't for his friend's death.

Those who've been forced into a corner, huh? It's true that there are many people joined the Mafia almost being forced. For example, himself, Kyouka, Chuuya, and the Akutagawa siblings too. They do the kind of job that disregards their lives, knowing they could die any moment if their guard was left down. Well, again, if it wasn't for Odasaku's death, he wouldn't have left the Mafia and would probably be the Boss now.

"Hey Dazai? Are you alright? You have been staring into space for twenty minutes already.."

The sound of (y/n) calling for him pulled him back to the reality, where the movie was stopped and she was looking at him worried. Dazai just pat her head, saying that he's fine and reach for the remote to continue. It was getting late, but neither of you want to stop, so you wrapped the blanket around the both of you and leaned your head on his shoulder as you two continue watching Madoka.

"As long as you protect the one you want, to protect them to the very end is enough."

Why? They're just little girls, right? If that's the case why did they understand life that much as if they've been living for a really long time? Dazai didn't want to admit it, but he feels as if he is going to cry. Their words lingered in his head, reminding him of his past, those were the days that he wanted to forget for good. After Oda died, he went to Lupin almost everyday like a basis, drink until he's drop and then went back to his empty apartment, passed out on his bed before waking up middle of the night because of nightmares.

The tenth episode, which explain pretty much everything about Homura strikes both of them. That part when Homura fell into despair and began to imagine when she and Madoka became Witches, just right after when they battled Walpurgis Night.

"Hey.. How about the two of us become monsters like that, and ruin the entire world."

"Taking bad things, sad things, and wiping all of it clean."

"Destroy. Destroy. Destroy without end. Don't you think that's good too?"

She was desperate to the point that she had thought about becoming a Witch wouldn't be that bad. She can keep on destroying things, no matter it's good things, bad things, sad things, or happy things. Why did it have to become like this? They were so young and pure and filled with hope and dreams.. Just like him. At least before he tried committing suicide.

"I promise!"

"I'll definitely save you!"

"No matter how many times I go back! I'll always protect you!"

It risen a thought in his head, he wondered that if he was gifted with time-manipulation power, would he choosen the path like Homura did to save Odasaku? No matter how many times he have to go back, and probably see him die. Would he still be able to feel anything? Or would he became numb and eventually give in to the despair? No, the real question is, will he be strong enough to choose that path. Homura may looks fragile and weak, even a bit timid, but she was the strongest one. Normal people wouldn't be themselves after seeing their important person dies right in front of their eyes without being able to do anything once, left alone times after times.

"I don't want to be a Witch."

"Although I've seen terrible and bad things, there are still many things I want to protect in this world."

Strangely, this reminds him of his deceased friend. He was always the one looking on the bright side of the problem. Why did he have to die? He was in the Mafia, yet he refused to kill anyone. But everything changes when Mimic came. Because of them, Mori thought of a way to use him like a pawn to get the license, and ended up dragging the innocents in. He couldn't forget how he looks when the owner of the diner dies along with his adopted children. If it wasn't for him that founded out about Ango, then things probably wouldn't go this way, and Oda would still be alive by now.

"Madoka. If someone came to tempt you with miracles, never be manipulated by them!"

"There's no one to rely on anymore."

"There's no need for anyone to understand."

This.. Feels so familiar. He didn't need anyone to understand the circumstances he was going through. He can't rely on anyone as well. How can he possibly tell them? Would they understand anyway? So there's no need to do such a thing. It'll only be a waste of time.

"Return."

"No matter how many times, I will always choose to return. Repeating the same period of time over and over again, searching for the only exit. For you.. A path out of the destiny of despair."

Will there be a timeline, or a world out there where Oda is still alive, and was able to achieved his dream to become a writer and have his novel published? All of the sudden, he wanted to become a little girl and find that Incubator creature, so he can form a contract with him just to see his friend once again. To see him living the life he had always been wanting. A Mafia non-related life, staying in a house with his room that can see the sea clearly, even in days with bad weathers, writing novels, maybe having one or a few cats. But..

"Why does she fight and risk everything?"

"Because she's still pursuing hope."

"No matter how many times, she refuse to quit; therefore repeating this meaningless and endless cycle."

"To her, stopping is equivalent to giving up."

"As long as she believes there's still hope, she can't be saved?"

After the series ended, you two had a short break before continue with the third movie, Rebellion. You simply said that it was the best thing that ever happened in this entire series to Homura. Was that she finally reached Madoka and get to see her again? He can't know.

At the beginning, it makes Dazai wondered was this an alternative universe where they can all live happily. But things aren't that simple, when Homura's journey to find the truth begun. When she regained her memories about Witches, their barriers and her previous battle against them, even about Madoka becoming a God to save every magical girls and she, along with Tatsuya, are the only ones whose memories of Madoka remained.

Her battle with Mami reminds him of when Oda and Gide fought. No magic, no abilities, just pure skills and weapon. But in the end, Mami still have the upper hand. The way she used her ribbons to tie Homura reminds him of the third episode in the series, when she was about to go against Charlotte, Homura did offer to help her, since Mami was lack the experiences and aren't strong enough to deal with such a strong Witch. She ended up losing her head.

"Would you really be okay destroying this Mitakihara City? You should think hard on that before you decide. So you won't have any regrets."

That was what Sayaka asked her. Since she had became a Witch, she would know how it feels like when the despair swallow you whole, filled your veins and become the blood that flows inside your body. Regrets. Pain. Desperate. It feels like your body became the vessel for every single negative emotions out there.

"It really hurts me to see you suffering so much and being unable to do anything about it."

"You see, I had a really scary dream."

"In it, you had gone to a place so far away that I had no chance of seeing you again. And everyone else in the world forgot all about you. Only I could remember you in the whole wide world!"

"I was so lonely and sad. But no one could understand how I felt. Surrounded by that, I started thinking my memories of you were things I'd made up. And I began doubting myself."

It reminds him of when Oda died, almost no one remember or know who he is. To the outsiders, he's just an unknown man. To the members of the Mafia, he's just a low-level member that they don't need to care about. But to him, and maybe Ango too, he was a friend. An important friend who enlightened their paths and their souls. He was luckier, that he didn't doubt himself, because there was something that proves Oda really exist is always with him. The photo they took together for the last time in Lupin, just a day before the storm.

"But you see, I became a magical girl solely to save Madoka. And that holds truth until now."

"So this is a Witch. My emotions have all come back to haunt me."

"I can't remember anything but glimmers of light and regret."

"Ah.. So this is my despair."

He cried. Dazai cried for the first time watching it. He didn't notice tears were rolling down his cheeks until you pulled him in your arms, holding him tight, pecking his forehead and caress his cheeks in the gentlest way possible. You said that it's okay to cry and let it out like this. You wanted to show him this because Homura reminds you of him in many ways. He needn't to ask for the reason, since he had witnessed it already.

"Despite her appearance, she's the most hurt."

You told Dazai that, the first time you saw him, you didn't think he'd be broken this badly. The truth that everyone thinks that way. He seems to be a happy-go-lucky guy and knows how to irritated serious people, lazy and likes to play around. But inside, he suffered from many things. Ghosts of the past that reminds him of the days in the Mafia, his shadow which guilt-trip him over every single small things happened, his anxiety that caused him to fear for failure therefore he has to think of every single possible that can or may happen to deal with them. Yet people think he is the genius, back when he was in the Mafia, he was called "The Demon Prodigy" because all of his plans worked. But they know nothing about him and what he is suffering from.

"I have to die in this world."

Yes. He has to die. That's what he has been thinking ever since a long, long time before. He had countless suicide attempts, yet none of them succeed. They all failed. Why is that he can't die? Why is that the world is trying to prevent him from dying to atone for his sins?

"I had a sickening dream. A dream where you were dead."

"Because I actually do have one regret. The fact that I left you behind."

He cried again, did Odasaku has any regrets when he died? If he had, then what would it be? You turned to him, whispering that he wouldn't want you to die and his regrets probably was that he left him behind all alone back then.

"That's no good, Homura."

"I told you that you shouldn't go off by yourself."

"No matter what happens, you'll always be you, Homura. And I would never abandon you. So don't give up."

"I'm sorry.. I'm so spineless.. I wanted to see you one more time.. And if I had to go so far as to betray that wish.."

"That's right, I knew I could shoulder any sin. No matter what I became, I knew I'd be fine with it. As long as I could have you by my side."

This.. He only wanted to see his friend again.. But it's impossible. He almost screamed due to his emotional burst out.

"Why did such a good person have to die? Why didn't I the one who dies instead?"

You simply pat his head, pulling him closer and embraced him tightly.

"It's alright. I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens, you'll always be you, and I would never abandon you or stop loving you. I love you, Dazai. So please, don't let the ghosts from the past get to you.. No. I won't let them get to you. I swear that I, (y/n) will bring you happiness with my own hands! Even if I have to turn myself into a mere concept, I will still take all those despair from you, I will be your only God that brings happiness."

He was stunned. There hasn't been a single person who has said something like that to him. He was touched. Even though you two have been dating for quite a while already but he had never heard such a bold decision from you. Immediately, Dazai pulled you into a tight hug, his face buried in your neck.

"Thank you, (y/n).. I couldn't imagine how I'd become or what I'd become if you didn't come into my life. You don't have to go that far just to make me happy, all you have to do is stay by my side, that's more than enough already."

You kissed him before getting back on the ending of Rebellion. You knew what was coming, and you're sure Dazai would be surprise by it.

"It was not even curse that soiled my Soul Gem."

"It's the pinnacle of all human emotions. More passionate than hope, far deeper than despair. It's love."

"She was as sacred as a god, and I couldn't help but pull her from heaven and undermine her."

"A being that perform such threat could only be called a demon, I suppose?"

He smirked, paused the movie before turned to you, who was dumbfounded of what just happened.

"(Y/n), did you just say that you'll be my God?"

"Yes..? What's wrong with that, Dazai?"

"Oh, there is. Because I'm a demon that couldn't help but pull you down from heaven and make you mine, forever."

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To be continued...?

[greatideas-badwriter]

Worth The Risk: Chapter 4

"What do you want?"

Sakura squeezed her eyes closed. Her voice hadn't wavered, and for that, she was grateful. For the past three days, she slept on the floor at Ino and Karin's dorm. A call from the terrifying man seemed inevitable, but it hadn't come until now, her first night back at her own place. Upon arriving home, she realized someone had been inside because the deadbolt was no longer locked.

'I have a strong inkling who it was, too.' Obviously, it was Sasuke. It'd be too big of a coincidence if not.

The line remained silent, which threw the woman off because she expected Sasuke to immediately start yelling at her like he had in the alleyway on Sunday.

"Are you there? I'm going to hang up."

"Don't," his voice finally came, sounding just as irritated as it had last she heard it.

Trying to come off as brave, Sakura said, "Did you break into my apartment? I should call the police."

Sasuke scoffed, making her irritation flare, "Yeah, good luck with that. Listen," he paused for so long that she had to look at the screen to ensure the call hadn't dropped, "I…have a question."

Sakura was confused, for sure, because the man on the other side of the line wasn't anything like she'd experienced thus far. He almost seemed nervous or uncomfortable, but that couldn't be true. "Y-You can ask it, but I won't promise to answer it," she cringed when her attempt at masking fear came off as argumentative.

He bit, sounding more like himself, "Where do you get the audacity to talk to me like that? Keep pissing me off and see what happens."

'Damn it, Sakura! Stop digging the hole deeper!'

The man continued when she couldn't figure out how to respond, "Did you know it was me Saturday night?"

To say Sakura was bewildered would put it lightly, 'He all but threatened to kill me, and he's worried about whether or not I recognized him at the club? Is he insane?'

"Uh, no. No, I didn't, or I wouldn't have…."

"Are you telling the truth? If you're lying, I'll find you no matter where you run."

"Do you really have to threaten me every five minutes?" She bit her tongue at the end of her outburst, cursing inwardly because she'd, once again, lost her temper on the irritatingly gorgeous man.

"Are you at home right now?"

Sakura immediately panicked because she was sitting on her bed with a pillow on her lap, "J-Just tell me why you wanted to know. What does it matter if I recognized you or not?"

A long silence followed her question before Sasuke finally responded, voice severe and odd like when she first answered the phone, "The reason I acted the way I did was because I thought you did it on purpose."

Sakura gasped, "Of course not! Are you kidding?"

"Well, what the fuck do you expect me to think? You dumped wine all over me and then gave me blue balls a few days later. I thought you were trying to get back at me."

"I already told you I didn't mean to pass out! I get really sleepy when I drink a lot!"

Sasuke paused before calming down again, if only slightly, "So, if you hadn't fallen asleep, would you have gone through with it?"

The woman felt uncomfortable but reluctantly responded, "I don't even remember leaving the club with you, Sasuke, so I don't know. If I willingly let you in my apartment like you insinuate I did, then I guess I probably wouldn't have fought it."

"Why do you have to say it like that? It's not like I forced myself on you."

"That's not what I'm saying. Can you stop trying to argue every time I answer a question?"

Sasuke sighed, sounding irritated again, but a hint of something else coated his words, "Alright, look. I haven't met a woman that pisses me off as much as you, but I admit that I might've deserved to have wine dumped on me. I also jumped to conclusions the other day, so I'm fucking sorry, okay?"

Sakura's mouth fell open, 'Did he just apologize? What the hell! I thought he was calling to-' "So, do you forgive me or what?"

She wasn't overly familiar with the man's mannerisms, having spent a very short time in his presence, but it wasn't hard to picture the angry and embarrassed expression he must've been making. The last thing she expected him to do was swallow his pride and take responsibility for his actions.

"I-I, um, okay. Yes, I forgive you. Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me."

Sasuke's character switched instantly, "So we're good then?" "...yes?" "Cool."

There was a long, awkward silence before Sakura swallowed nervously, "Well, I guess I'll get off of here then. Good night, Sasuke."

He seemed confused but didn't argue, "Right. Talk to you later."

Once the call ended, she stared at the screen in utter disbelief, talking aloud to herself, "What in the world just happened?" Shaking off her unease, Sakura sat her phone back on the nightstand and snuggled under the covers to attempt to go back to sleep.

The next day, during her first class of the day, the woman's phone vibrated with a text message. Clicking it open while half paying attention to the professor, Sakura did a double take when it was from Sasuke's unsaved number, 'You're in college, right?'

A little unsure, she responded, 'Yes. Why?'

A couple of minutes later, he responded, 'Which one?'

Negative, fearful emotions swept over her, 'I thought we wouldn't speak again after last night. Why does he want to know? He's not going to show up, is he?' Too uncomfortable to respond, Sakura simply left him on read. 'I'm leaving on Monday. I just have to avoid him for two more days.'

So, she ignored the second text message mid-day that consisted only of a question mark and didn't answer his call that night, either. The poor woman was so scared he'd show up at her apartment that she wedged a chair under the doorknob so it wouldn't open even if the locks were picked.

After their conversation Thursday night, she didn't feel he'd stalk or hurt her anymore, but she also didn't know him well enough to be entirely certain.

On Saturday, she was texted only once. It said, 'You're so annoying.'

Sakura scoffed, irritated as she walked home from her afternoon class and imagined what she'd say to Sasuke if he was in front of her, 'Yeah, so are you, Asshole. For some reason, I lose my temper whenever you open your mouth.'

Sunday, there were no calls or texts, to her relief.

Then, the day of Sakura's departure arrived. After visiting with Ino and Karin to say one last goodbye, she grabbed her backpack and duffle bag. The cab she took could only get within two blocks of the crowded bus station, so the woman walked sadly down the sidewalk, doing her best not to cry.

'What will he do to me when I get back to town? I know he's pissed, but how far will he take it?'

"Look who it is."

The woman jumped in fear, only to look over and see Sasuke walking by her side with his hands in his pockets. Frowning, she attempted to mask her mild fear and discomfort, "Hey."

"Aren't you a ray of fuckin' sunshine? What's with the bags?"

Sakura kept her eyes downward, picking up the pace of her steps so they'd get near other people sooner and wouldn't be alone together. "That's none of your business."

The man grabbed her arm, making her face him with wide, green eyes. He glared, "What's your problem this time? You said we were good, but you're still like this."

Brow furrowing, she tugged her arm from his grasp, and luckily, he allowed it, "Listen, Sasuke. I did forgive you, but with all due respect, that doesn't mean I want anything to do with you. Please leave me alone."

Dark, angry eyes burnt into hers for a silent moment, the man obviously not having expected to be turned down so bluntly. When he said nothing, she began walking again, "I'm going to be late. Bye."

'Don't look back. He's a walking red flag. Who cares if I hurt his pride just now?'

Sakura thought he'd finally given up but sighed when he jogged to match her step, "Are you serious? Do you know how many people would kill to be in your place right now?"

"Well, they can have it, then. I don't want it."

"Are you going to the station? If you give me a kiss, I'll drive you so you don't have to use the bus."

"Go away."

"It can even be on the cheek."

Having reached her limit since she was already an emotional wreck before his arrival, the woman stopped, clenched her fists, and turned to face the tall man, "You want to know where I'm going? Fine. I have to move back home because I can't afford to stay here anymore."

Sasuke's eyes widened, "What?"

With a lump in her throat, Sakura glared firmly, "If that's all you need to know, then excuse me, but I'll miss my bus if I waste any more time."

This time, she reached the corner of the station's block. Dozens of people were passing by on the wide sidewalk, both to and fro, before he snatched her duffle bag from her shoulder, "It's because I got you fired, right?"

Sakura made a grab for the bag, but he held it out of reach with an attractive frown on his lips, "I don't have time to point fingers and argue right now, Sasuke! Give it back!"

She jumped with an outreached arm, but he held her back with a hand on her shoulder, "Shut the hell up for a second! I'm trying to help."

'Last call for bus K-ONE!' The intercom announced, making Sakura look toward the station.

'I have to go now, or I'll miss it!' With no choice, she turned and sprinted into the station, leaving her bag with Sasuke while dodging and bumping into other people.

"Sakura, wait!"

The woman looked over her shoulder to see him trying to catch up in the thick crowd. Something hard smacked into her front, and she toppled onto her bottom. When she looked up, a massive redheaded man glared down at her.

Gasping, she scrambled to her feet, "I am so sor- "Watch where you're going, Bitch."

Mouth clamping shut, the woman stepped back, only for his dark eyes to lift above her head and widen.

"Who the fuck do you think you're calling a bitch? Apologize."

"She ran into me!"

Sasuke stepped around her, grabbing the front of the stranger's shirt and hissing with a terrifying look, "Apologize, or I'll cut out your tongue." He dropped Sakura's bag and reached into his pocket to pull out a pocketknife, flipping it open.

"S-Sasuke, what the hell? Put that away before you get arrested!"

"Sorry, Ma'am." Her green eyes turned, disbelieving, onto the now visibly frightened man. The black-haired man at her side put the knife away and released his shirt but followed him with a dangerous glare.

Snapping out of her stupor, Sakura grabbed her forgotten bag and gave her rescuer an apologetic look while glancing at the terminal she was supposed to use, "Thank you for that! I'm sorry, but I really have to go." Then she ran again, more careful not to run into anyone this time.

By the time she reached her destination, she was panting for breath. Strands of long pink hair fell from her loose ponytail around her shoulders and face. Just as she made it to the ticket booth and handed over her ticket to be processed, the doors shut, and the bus left the station. Tears in her eyes, her blood ran cold, and she whispered to herself, "...no…."

Trembling with panic, Sakura breathlessly asked the employee at the stand, "Can I exchange my ticket for the next available bus to Konoha?"

The young man shook his head, handing the item back to her, "Unfortunately, we have a no refund/no exchange policy. I apologize for the inconvenience. Would you like to purchase a new ticket instead? The next bus is at eight p.m."

Pale and entirely at a loss of what she should do, she shook her head and accepted the useless piece of paper, "A-Ah, no. Please excuse me."

'I'm stuck here. I have no money, no job, and nowhere to sleep. What the hell am I supposed to do now?'

Sakura numbly left the line so she wouldn't hold it up and walked until she reached outside the station, where she finally lost her composure. Covering her mouth with one hand, the poor girl burst into tears but tried to keep silent to not draw attention to herself.

Everything she'd done from the moment she ran away from home had been a complete and utter failure. No matter how hard she tried or how much she endured in an attempt to secure her own safety, it was all for nothing. Now, she couldn't even return to her awful past life, either.

'Why does this keep happening to me? Was I a criminal in my past life?'

"Sakura, wait!"

The woman's sniffles became sobs as Sasuke's voice met her ears.

'And now there's this dangerous guy following me around, too! Should I just off myself so I don't have to suffer like this anymore?'

As she heard him approach, she lifted her hand from her mouth to her eyes, turning her head away so he wouldn't see how awful she looked. His voice was unrecognizably soft, and he stepped in front of her with a hand on either of her shoulders so she'd stop walking, "Hey, what's wrong? Did you run into that asshole again?"

Sakura shook her head and tried to walk around him, but he held her still, "You're not going anywhere until you tell me what's up."

Though the woman was heartbroken and mentally fried, she was still completely stunned when long fingers gently pulled her hand away from her face. Sasuke guided her jaw so she'd be forced to meet his eye.

'This is pathetic. I want to die under a rock right now.' That's what she thought, but her breath was taken away when she focused on his face.

An unexpected expression of concern looked otherworldly on his flawless features, "I have no damn clue what to do right now. Usually, I make women cry, so I've never tried cheering one up."

For some reason, the uncharacteristically honest statement made her laugh, and her fingers curled around Sasuke's hand as he still held it.

His smirk returned, though not as cocky as the usual one. He opened his mouth to say something, only for Sakura's stomach to growl loudly. She looked away, face burning hot with humiliation.

He snickered, "C'mon. I'll feed you."

That's how she ended up sitting across from him in a little, hole-in-the-wall diner. "What sounds good?" Sasuke desperately tried to keep the mood casual and unserious, filling the silence so things wouldn't get awkward while they looked at menus.

Sakura frowned down at the laminated paper, not really seeing it. The waterworks had stopped, but that didn't mean everything was alright now. Now, she just felt numb. Though she was so hungry that her stomach hurt, she was too panicked to think about eating.

'I don't know why I let him bring me here.'

"Sakura."

The woman blinked, looking up to see a waitress awaiting her order.

Glancing between the employee and Sasuke, Sakura felt overwhelmed all over again. She didn't want to tell him she couldn't afford to pay him back in front of the middle-aged woman, but she also couldn't just order something and then do it because she'd feel awful for the wasted food they'd prepare. Tears brimmed in her eyes again, and she looked down at her lap.

"She'll have the same as me." Thankfully, the employee didn't make any comments and left.

Sakura felt Sasuke's gaze again and clenched her fingers into fists on her lap while refusing to acknowledge it.

"Are you going to talk, or do I have to force it out of you?" When she couldn't bring herself to respond, he sighed, leaning forward to rest his chin on his palm, elbow on the table, "At least your crying face isn't ugly, I guess."

After the food arrived, Sakura hesitated to eat, averting her gaze out the window they were sat beside with gritted teeth. Her brow furrowed, 'It's snowing.'

"Listen, I'm trying to be fucking nice to you, but this is getting ridiculous. Just eat already."

Green eyes darted ahead to meet black ones, widening upon realizing Sasuke was glaring relentlessly. The irritation that he was, once again, bossing her around and cursing, Sakura grabbed a fork and absently poked at the eggs on her plate, blushing when she finally took a bite and looking away.

'He gets on my last damn nerve.'

It was a little refreshing, honestly. Since she began dating her ex-boyfriend, Sakura could barely converse with men without getting scared. Sure, Sasuke terrified her, but he also brought out her old, feistier personality. It was odd, and she didn't understand why it kept happening.

If it was anyone but Sasuke sitting there, she'd never mouth off or talk back.

"I think I can solve your problem if you'll hear me out." She met his eye again, nodding subtly. Sasuke searched her appearance over the coffee mug at his lips, speaking casually, "You need money and a place to live, right? My roommates and I just so happen to be looking for a housekeeper. What do you think?"

That snapped Sakura right out of her silent mood. She coughed, almost choking on her food. After taking a sip of water, she gave the gorgeous man an incredulous look, "By roommates, do you mean those jerks you were with at the bar? No thanks. I'd be safer sleeping on the streets."

"If you don't accept, that's where you'll be, right? Suit yourself." Sasuke's firm stare told the woman he wouldn't let her be stubborn.

Swallowing her pride, Sakura frowned, glaring with a blush, "...How much is the pay?"

He smirked triumphantly, "Let's see. After room and board," he paused, looking up as though doing equations before meeting her eye again, "How about a thousand a week? That's what most normal jobs pay, right?"

The table became silent.

'He's joking, right? Most jobs I'd be lucky enough to land would barely pay more than that in a month!' She took another sip of her water and studied Sasuke carefully, trying to figure out if he was testing her, 'Do I tell him? What if I do, and he lowers the number? I don't want that. …But what if I don't tell him and he finds out. He'll be pissed! What would he do to me, then?'

Eventually, she shook her head, deciding to play things smart, "Um, that's a lot of money, Sasuke, especially if I'm going to live there, too. It doesn't seem fair."

That smirk turned into a full-fledged grin, and he teased, "Yeah, I know. I just wanted to see your reaction." He offered a hand across the table, "Do we have a deal?"

Sakura eyed it, hesitating, "Hold on. First, I want you to agree to some things."

The man rolled his eyes, sitting back in the booth with an impatient scowl, "You're the one receiving help, and you have demands? That's fucking brave."

"I want you to promise not to mess with me like you did at Oasis," she ignored his childish attitude.

He nodded, "Cut back on the flirting. Got it. Anything else?"

Sakura hesitated, unsure how to word things, but eventually said, "And if any of your roommates try anything, you have to deal with them."

'I think that was okay. He probably won't make any assumptions.'

Sasuke nodded, waving a hand, "Yeah, yeah. Okay." He waited for her to continue.

Feeling better since he agreed to protect her from the other guys, Sakura reached across the table and offered her hand, "Then, I guess we're good, then."

He shook it firmly. When he released it, he tilted his head and spoke around the food in his mouth, a hand covering it so as not to be too rude, "Since I'm paying so much, do you think I can convince you to wear a maid costume?"

"I am so going to regret this," she sighed, shaking her head.

[remycroft]

Cross my heart, Hope you die || Heimdall X Reader

Chapter 12 - Rise

My control was slipping. I keep trying to will the tears to stop, I could not show weakness, even if alone. I was sure Heimdall, if not other gods, could hear my screams of anguish - I hope he was enjoying it. How could I have been so blind to what was happening?

I'd lost Atreus, and it was all my fault. I feel so pathetic. How could I not have noticed? It was so blatantly obvious the moment that the Valkyries cut him open and then I continued to dig my own grave with that fucking orb.

Everything was disorientating too, my focus was shifting far and close, my vision pulsating towards the horizon and my dirt-stained knees, which was blurred by the tears that wouldn't stop. I could hear the idle chatter of the Aesir miles away, I could feel each grain of dirt and the sharpness of the grass beneath me. I could smell the iron in the smiths, the blood from dead animals, the aroma of fresh bread and could taste the blood on my tongue from when I bit into it so hard to try and shut me up. I feel sick from the hypersensitivity, and then I threw up in the pond. The poor fish. My body lurches as I do, and I end up laying on my side, writhing as the puke leaves my body, and I continue crying.

~

I don't notice Forseti making his way, but I do notice when he shouts at me to stop the apparent tornado I had around myself. I felt so weak that now I had noticed it existed, the wind slowed down, and I felt a sort of calm as he approached. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It was mine."

"No, it wasn't -"

I raise my hand, and he immediately stops speaking, "Don't give me that bullshit, I wasn't there for him enough. I chose my own safety or my own morals over the person I vowed to protect. I was selfish, and I've now paid the price."

"What part of protecting others is selfish? From what I'm aware of, Heimdall would have killed you if you hadn't had your miraculous wind powers."

"I chose them over Atreus."

"What would've happened to them would've been ten times worse than what happened to him, trust me." I did trust him. My senses return, and I feel some sense of clarity and control. "I don't agree with what's happened, by the way. And he is wrong, you aren't unnecessarily violent, you've fought out of necessity and emotion. You've done nothing wrong." I check around for ravens. There wasn't any here.

"You might want to be careful saying those types of things. We all know he orchestrated this event by manipulating him."

"Making you leave or killing you would be fine," Ouch, but I understood, temporary allies. "but causing emotional damage to the likes I've seen today is unnecessary." He kneels down and scoops me up so I'm cradled in his arms. It was more comforting than the grass. "Thank you, Forseti."

"It is my pleasure."

I can hear and see Heimdall approach and immediately stand at attention, hand on a dagger at my waist. "Feisty."

"You assisted with this bullshit, I should be."

He puts his hand up in surrender, "perhaps, but I only did it out of duty. You'd understand that right, considering what you did to the half-breed." I draw my dagger and I don't think of throwing it, I rush him instead. I hold him by the scruff of his neck, holding the dagger to his throat,

"Tell me why I shouldn't slit your throat right now." I could hear Forseti behind me screaming for me to stop, but I didn't care. He was part of this and therefore he can fucking die for all I care.

"Because it won't be the boy that gets hurt this time. It'll be your execution."

"Explain."

"Do you think your precious Atreus actually cares whether you live or die now? I was able to see into his head. He really doesn't." I'm forced back by my heart stopping. Would he really not care? I know he resents me now, but he's still good. "He's blinded by rage and resentment. He might grieve you later, but he wouldn't mind seeing it now."

"Get out of my head, you prick." I attempt to put my defenses up but feel a wave of exhaustion flow over me and almost collapse,

"Well, this will be enjoyable."

"Fuck you."

"No thanks."

"You're disgusting." He smirks, and I hear Forseti groan behind me, Heimdall grimaces, and that makes me smile slightly. "Why are you here? If you're here to make this worse, then you can leave."

"Well, I would love too do both, but I won't do either. I actually disagree with what the All-Father has decided to do with you."

I'm shocked, "I'm sorry, repeat that, please." Heimdall disagreeing with something Odin says or does seems like the most illogical thing in existence.

"I thought he'd either kill you or send you home, but he's decided to keep you here as a way to further manipulate the brat and to torture you."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Forseti, leave." he commands him.

Instead, Forseti stands closer to my side and takes my hand, "And leave you alone with her? In the state she's in? Not a chance." I hold tighter on to Forseti. It was nice to feel safe, even if it was only a little.

"I'm not going to hurt her. I even let her hold a blade to my throat. If that isn't a sign I come in peace, then I don't know what is. Besides her, and I have to go down to New Midgard soon, and you have been commanded to go to Vanaheim."

What's happened in New Midgard? I hope the mortals are alright. "Why is she needed there too? All you do there is punish unruly mortals and ensure there is order. The Einherjar and you have to be enough for that."

"This is a different case. A little girl is dead." What? How could we have let this happen? We guarded the mortals and ensured they were safe, Heimdall and I have the best hearing and vision in the Nine realms as far as the general population was concerned. How could this have slipped our notice? "I don't know much, but All-father has commanded she and I be together in all missions and duties."

I roll my eyes, "Great."

"I know, thrilling."

"Lie, allow her to stay here." Forseti orders,

"Are you forgetting where your loyalties lie, Nephew? We can get away with not liking what's happened with the foreigners but questioning an order? Not a great look."

Forseti lets go of my hand and steps forward to him, "I haven't, once. But she is in pain and I will not leave her." I start to see ravens gathering here, and I'm forced to swallow my fear at their arrival.

"It's okay. I actually want to help with this. Go, serve, do whatever's necessary." He looks around us and can see the ravens too. He says a solemn goodbye and leaves.

"Will he punished for this?"

"Probably, but in a way that looks natural."

"Like Thor accidentally hitting him in the chest with a lightning bolt?" The image that I imagined of my father's death flashes through my mind,

"Possibly. Forseti would know it was a punishment, but the civilians wouldn't."

So Odin would not look like a ruthless tyrant who requires complete obedience. "Will you get in trouble for disagreeing with this?"

"I didn't know you cared."

"I don't."

"Good, and possibly." Nothing would ever be certain with Odin, I suppose. He was a manipulator, a liar, and far too powerful for someone to take him on alone. Heimdall frowns, and I try to force him out my head again. All that came as a result was a headache and exhaustion. Hopefully, when I sleep tonight, if I do, I will be able to put my defenses back up.

~

"So what am I to expect from the Midgardians you've probably convinced to hate all Vanir?"

I ask as we step into the elevator, "Nothing if you keep your mouth shut about who you are."

"Yeah, but if you didn't notice, I look a little bit like my mother." My sarcasm clearly annoys him, and I'm grateful. If he gets to spend time in my head till I fix my emotional exhaustion, then I get to spend extra time annoying him.

"They've never seen Freya as far as I know. Just focus on being your kind-hearted self." He wasn't paying attention to his words beforehand, but now he is. His entire body tenses, and I laugh. "You think I'm kind-hearted?"

"Whenever I have been in your head, you have always done things out of good intent; protecting a child despite his insufferable nature, justice for your father, duty to your mother. They may go against my side of this war, but it would be dishonest of me to say that your intentions weren't of good intent." I am absolutely shocked. Heimdall was being kind to me, I swear today has been the most surprising day of any I've lived. "Don't take it too much to heart. Your still my enemy, an insufferable little bitch," I glare at him, "and I'll take great pleasure in watching you die."

"What a nice way to end this little ride." We move to go off the elevator and enter New Midgard and before hand something, some emotion I didn't understand, compelled me to call for him and he turned to me, "For what it's worth, I don't completely hate you anymore." 

"I don't care." And just like that the emotion goes and I feel my heart harden. I don't know why I even bothered, of course he wouldn't care. He's Heimdall, the glorious son of Odin who would do anything for him. He's a racist bigot who has slaughtered my people, branded Durlin, almost forced me to brand Lunda. He's part of the reason I lost Atreus. It was strange to think this considering he can read my mind but why would he care anyways?

The moment we got off all eyes were on us. I felt nervous to be in the spotlight around people who most likely hate the very idea of me. The nervousness was cut short by one of the Einherjar approaching and redistributed my focus towards it. "Sire, we have news on the girl."

"Do you have whoever did this?" 

"No, we just know more. She was strangled to death and yet we found blood. After we did an inspection we can determine that she was raped before her death." the wind started to howl around me and my emotions told me the reason why. I was enraged, how could we not have heard or seen? How could someone do something like this. 

I was back in that cave, my armour gone, my knives gone, my bow gone. The group of men and boys who had allowed me to speak to them about Kratos causing Fimbulwinter had drugged me somehow and I was now in just my white gown. I felt like a sacrifice. My hands were tied, my feet were tied. "What are you doing?" I asked as one of them came closer, I only just noticed how they had all stripped down to the nude. "We're friends, right? That's what you wanted, [N], daughter of the goddess Freya, right?" He came closer to me and then I blacked out again.

The next thing I knew they were all dead, killed by mother. 

*~*~*

I felt sick. I realised immediately that in her head she was no longer here and was in the cave she was imagining so vividly. Do I say something? I despise her, sure, but she's already been in enough pain today that she should at least know that I know. "Think of something else, not even I want to know this."

"Then leave my head." Her voice dripped venom and I tried to focus on the others but couldn't, they were all so boring, or selfish, they either felt pity for the mother who sobbed as she held her dead daughter in her arms or they just didn't care at all and wanted to get back to their lives. I had also become used to focusing on her, I had begun to enjoy the quiet that came with it which was a stark contrast to when I was a child and had little control and all of there little voices blended together. 

We start walking into the settlement and I can hear them whisper 'Freya'. Shit, she was right, at least some have recognised her. I suppose it was from Frigg's time in Midgard herself. Another way she's endangered her children, by not leaving people alone. [N] goes over to the woman cradling the corpse of her child and she kneels down to her level, "I'm sorry about what's happened. Both, Heimdall and I are at fault for this. We did not pay attention to her when she needed it and -"

"You - You're the Goddess Freya?" The mother started to back away with her daughter and I could see her face contort to one of fear, "Stay away from us. Guards, please." 

"I'm not, I'm her daughter. I'm here to help you, help this." The mother spat in her face and I suppose this was the best time to step in, "At this point [N] is a guest in Asgard and will be treated with the courtesies a guest deserves. You will not disrespect or degrade her." my words left me and I believe I should have thought about them more, I deserve to be punished by my father for this. The mother relaxes and I pull [N] away. 

I call to the Einherjar, "Round up all the men then bring them here! Most of them are here, it shouldn't take you long." they immediately go to their task and we move to sit against one of the rocks. "Why did you stand up for me?" she asks, "You're not useful if your torn out by angry Midgardians." a flash of her eyes, shocked because the woman was afraid of her ran through my mind and It took everything in me to believe I wasn't lying. She was useful in some regards and she definitely has the power to be an emotional influence on these people. I don't understand how to console others and the Einherjar are mindless machines of war. Besides, the All-father wants her to stay so he can manipulate the boy further. "I thought you wanted me dead or gone."

"Yes, I do, but right now you are serving a purpose. Anyways, I'd much prefer you to take your uncle's place at the stake than be torn apart by them." She gives me a look of disgust and I can see in her mind how her thoughts don't just go to Freyr, but they also go to his son, Fjolnir. She thinks about how his potential death would have impacted his son, who was without a mother, and would have been without a father, kind-hearted indeed. I know they were my enemies but she isn't thinking of her death, she's thinking of others. "You're a monster."

"Maybe, but there are worse than me out there." I looked over to the little girl's corpse, the mother was laying a shroud over her small body. 

*~*~*

The men had been collected and shackled together, the Einherjar also hadn't seemed to understand the order properly as they had also targeted young boys. I could see the young boy, Skoldjr, in the line up. His head was down and he seemed afraid, they were all shackled to each other with chains coated in bifrost. Heimdall made no move to release any of them. "Look up." Heimdall commanded to all of them, they followed the order and Skoldjr's eyes noticed me immediately. His eyes flashed with recognition and then with rage, I see Atreus has spoken with him. Wait, why am I calling him Atreus?

Atreus was the boy I knew, the kind child who loved his father and wanted to impress him, he wanted to correct the world and keep his father safe from everything. He cared for my mother, he cared for Mimir, he cared for me. This was Loki, he caused chaos, he was illogical. He did not care for my mother or Mimir otherwise he would not be acting the way he is now. He does not care for me either, but that is apparent. Atreus had not spoken with Skoldjr, Atreus was not here. Loki is. 

Heimdall had forced them all to look at the little girl and the mother who was grieving over her. He told them to confess what they've done and they'll ensure that their death is faster than what they have planned. It was weird to see him be merciful, considering he was a literal torture to be around. Everyone kept silent and I didn't like the idea of what was about to happen. "Well, anyone? Really? Alright, then." Then Heimdall focused his eyes on each person, he grimaced at a few but then he found his mark. He seemed disgusted at first but then he smiled with a sort of sadistic glee. Normally, I wouldn't agree with this but the sobs of the girl's mother still filled the area. It was becoming overwhelming.

The man, no - monster who caused this was quite scary as well. His hair was a midnight black and so was his very large beard that was not held together by a braid as men normally have it. He seemed strong and I'm sure he made sure that girl knew it. The wind sang around the area and for the first time, I felt like we were working in tandem. I suppose it was because the wind was seen as a cruel force of nature, it could command and we would obey. Right now, I wanted to be that cruel force too, and I will be. The monster noticed our eyes on him and he started to squirm in his shackles, he tugged and the other men with him were pulled too. They collapsed and he tried to run but he was held down by the weight of the other people he was shackled too, that and Heimdall was fast enough to kick him down too. "[N], come here." His voice had a sense of command that I could not help but obey, he moved his foot from the monster's chest and forced his shackles to be undone. "I'm going to give you one chance to run, maybe you'll make it far enough into the wilds that you can continue your miserable life. I doubt it considering the monsters that lurk out there, but it will be better than the plan we have for you." The monster immediately got up and started to run, Heimdall than whispered in my ear, "Stop him from running, use what you were given." and I did.

I bent the wind to my will and at first as he ran it started to swirl around him, leaves started spinning around him, and then it picked up and the wind started circling to the point he started to raise in the air. His face showed fear and he started to sob, begging for repentance. He wasn't too high of the ground when I forced the air down on him and he crashed into the ground. "Please." he begged. "Tear him apart." I commanded, with a wave of his hand Heimdall undid all shackles and then all of the Midgardians started to draw nearer to him. They didn't attack yet, they waited for the girl's mother to get up off the ground and walk into the circle all of them had created, she spat on him and called him 'monster' she then lunged for him and all of them joined in on the carnage. 

Heimdall and I turned to each other, "that was fun, wouldn't you agree?" he smiled, and despite the fact that it was probably due to the cruelty he was allowed to witness it seemed genuine and sweet, it filled my heart with something beautiful, "Oh, indeed." the crowd dispersed and what was left of the man was just blood and bones, his skin was torn apart and his organs trailed along the grass. It was a gruesome mess. "Will they clean it up, or will they just leave it there?"

"Don't know, don't care." I laughed a little and all the Midgardians turned to us, "All hail Heimdall, Son of Odin, Protector of Asgard! All hail [N], Daughter of Queen Freya, Mistress of the Wind!" they referred to my mother as Queen? I suppose she was but why now after they thought she was a traitor? "You. That's why." He seemed dazed, "Are you alright?"

"I'm surprised, and this is not going to go over well." Of course, Odin would hate to know that my mother had been referred to as Queen and I had been put in the same boat as Heimdall. "What will you do?"

"Deal with it, I will deserve what's coming."

"No, you wouldn't." Heimdall was about to reply but then I got tapped on the shoulder and saw Skoldjr, "You know, I didn't want to believe Loki when he said you were vicious and cruel but what you just allowed? You're a monster, as much of one as him." I didn't know what to say, I also didn't care. What I did was just, he deserved every agony, every cruelty that was laid upon him. I am not fazed by his mortal morality. I also did not follow the emotional path with this one, I used my ability to see the logical one. "Who are you, exactly?" Heimdall entered the conversation and I smiled, "You remember when Loki mentioned Skoldjr and how he said 'all Aesir are gods', this is Skoldjr." 

"Oh, I do remember, then don't be fazed by his words. If he is ignorant enough to believe that and Loki, then he is ignorant enough to not understand that you did what was right." he then turned to him, "I mean, all she did was immobilize him, it was the rest of you that did the killing part." Skoldjr looked embarrassed and I enjoyed it, "Now, we have to go. I have to report to the All-Father about this." I joined his side and we made our way back. 

~

"Okay, cut the shit, you didn't need to stick up for me there and yet you did anyways. Where's the real Heimdall and what did you do with him?" he scoffed and then didn't say a word. "Oh, so now you don't speak?"

"Don't try to turn me into something positive. I'm not. Don't do it with Forseti either. You are our enemy and we have our duties. Forseti is forgetting that in regards to you, and you are forgetting it to." His words struck me, I have no one now. I am aware of Forseti being a temporary ally, even a temporary friend. "It doesn't have to be that way here. The day we met you said that we were allies, why not now?"

"You seem to have misheard my conditions that would make us allies; those were if you were to aid the All-Father and have no treacherous intent, you are not here to aid him and you do have treacherous intent." he was right, but duty was a common theme with us and those were my reasons, "Oh, yes, I should definitely aid the person who gave Thor the order to kill my father out of pure fucking jealousy. Forgive me for being so dimwitted." Heimdall doesn't say a word, and it's most likely because he can't. I'm right and he fucking knows it. I think I understand now why I've gone soft on him. He's been tolerable while I've been grieving over Loki and therefore something in me wants someone to be around, I will not make the mistake of doing it again.

He does have a point about Forseti though, I won't cut him out fully because otherwise I make an enemy, but I've allowed myself to be vulnerable around him and for all I know the next time I am, Odin might have commanded him to put a knife in my back. I suppose this day has taught me a valuable lesson, and with that I have been given the strength to use my power, own my domain, and put my mental shield back up. 

As I do, the platform stops and we have arrived back in Gladsheim. I walk off to the better half of the owner-pet duo and pet Gulltoppr on the nose which is rewarded with a lick on the nose. I can feel Heimdall's strong, rageful gaze burn into the back of my head and at first I can feel him try to break them down. I think it's quite funny to mess with him so I turn around and grab my head in feigned agony and then I walk off to the Great Lodge like nothing's happened.

*~*~*

I didn't know what to think anymore. She had changed so much over the course of this day and the majority of it was my fault. At first she was heartbroken and in need of consolation, then she was even more broken by the death of that little girl, then she became cold until I had been kind and then I rejected her so she went back to being cold but this seemed like it was set in stone. I had to ignore it though, I was right to do so. She wouldn't be safe if she allowed herself to be vulnerable with Forseti or I near her. Not that I cared much, I'd like to watch her die but I don't want to be the person to do it. She was almost as special as the All-father and it was weird, but killing her sounded as impossible as killing him. I hated that I felt this way but I did, I hated myself that I could no longer fully hate her. It was the equivalent of being a traitor. Maybe I should kill myself or kill her? Rip out any positive feelings by getting rid of the trigger or get rid of me as feeling anything positive for her meant I should have a traitor's punishment. Yet, I don't want to do it.

Fuck. 

~

The All-father was in his upstairs office when I found him. Honestly, I was quite glad, I was exhausted and I didn't want to move anymore than I had to. "Is everything sorted in New Midgard?"

"Yes, All-father."

"Is there anything you wish to tell me?" I didn't know what to say, I was so confused at this point and my head was running circles. "No? You know, Muninn reported something to me that I found quite interesting, he told me that that little witch used her power, at your command." 

"She did use her ability to control the wind to immobilize the murderer, and yes I did give the command." my palms started to feel clammy, I was afraid. "And you didn't think to tell me that? I thought that would be quite a useful thing to tell me, don't you think?"

"Yes, All-Father, I'm sorry, All-Father." he nodded and I felt a small bit of weight come off me, "Is there anything else you wish to tell me, son?"

"The people hailed her afterwards, as well as me. They also called Frigg 'Queen'. This was due to the fact that there are tales in Midgard of her being helpful that they remembered with her daughter's display." his face went red with rage and it took everything in me to remain stood, my hands held behind my back and my face cold. "the display, the one that YOU gave the order for." he slammed his scepter to the ground and I was forced down by his magic, a purple ring with runes embedded in it trapped me. I strained against my bonds as impulse to get free but I couldn't. "I'm sorry, All-father. I should've seen. I didn't think!" 

"No, you clearly did not!" and with that I felt the scars across my chest and back reopen and a flurry of electricity coursed through my body causing my entire body to spasm. I didn't want to cry but the tears came anyway, "Please!" I begged, "Father!" 

"This girl is more damage than she's worth." I heard him but I couldn't think of anything but the pain that was tearing through my body. "FATHER, PLEASE!" I screamed again, he let go of the hold and I felt the cuts close and the lightning stop. I struggled to breathe but I forced myself up into the same position. "Tonight, there is a celebration in the mess hall for Loki, you will both be in attendance as guards." I was going to ask about our duties on the wall, but this is not the time to question him. I'm sure she'd have the answer, since she follows the logical path. "You will be yourself, my loyal son. You will not question me, you will be transparent. Tomorrow, you will go to Helheim with her, if she is in any danger you will not save her. You will retrieve an artifact which will trap the moon, this should help prevent Ragnarok." 

"Of course, All-father. I thank you for your mercy and for giving me what I deserved." I ignored the scoff and walked away. 

~

I was still in a lingering agony when I noticed her, stinking of sweat , and Forseti speaking. She had obviously been training during the time I was with the All-Father. She was putting herself through pain, while I was being put through pain. My anger started to bubble up to the surface, she was the reason for all of my suffering. I deserved what I got but she was the reason for it. I had only thought of her and what I thought was necessary for her, and not Asgard. She was like a mortal illness, they can either kill you or you kill it. I will ensure I am the victor.

*~*~*

I sensed Heimdall immediately. First it was the rhythm of his heart, then the sound of his breathing, then the smell of blood on his body. It was intoxicating and it messed with my head ever so slightly. "Forseti, I do apologise, but you probably have to report to Odin and I need to wash sweat of my skin, so I'll see you later." I wave him goodbye and turn around the corner to my enemy, "You reek of blood."

"You reek of sweat." 

"I was training, what's your excuse?" No blood was on him that I could see but clearly something had happened. "I was also." I subtly craned my neck and the scent was stronger around his chest area, "Did you get cut? I don't see a wound."

"I heal quickly."

"That doesn't matter, it's like blood covers your entire torso." 

"Since when did you give a shit?"

"I don't. Lets move on, why are you hiding around a corner like a creep?" 

"I was waiting for my beloved, oaf of a nephew to leave." I lean against the wall out of breath from our quick battle of wits, "Well, he's gone, what do you want?"

"To inform you that we aren't at the wall tonight. There is a celebration for the little brat later and we are to be in attendance as guards." Why would we be necessary? Why would we be away from the wall after what's happened today? I ask Heimdall this and he replies, "I wouldn't question the All-father's wisdom if I were you."

"What wisdom?" He clenches his jaw and I enjoy the slight victory, "Oh, yes, I do love the wisdom where he willfully has us neglect the vulnerable mortals in favour of gods who can handle themselves."

"We are there to ensure that fights will be stopped easily and the mortals have the Einherjar will protect them. As well as that, the man is dead and the mortals will remember what happened." 

"Fights, Odin could stop immediately with his own power, the Einherjar are about as useful as as the shit on my boot, and even you have to agree that humanity and people are so flawed that something like that could happen again." He stops for a moment and I think for a moment that he'll agree and actually challenge Odin's orders but no, "The All-father does enough in keeping us safe that we should be of use, the Einherjar are trained soldiers who have come back from Valhalla and let them kill each other, they are lesser." I was so enraged that I wanted to slap him, I do so and it hits true. His face gets whipped to the side and a large mark in the shape of my hand appears on his face. "I suppose the true you is back then. One talk with daddy and you turn back into the cruel piece of shit you were! I'm guessing now you think he's right to keep me here just to manipulate Loki?" He doesn't say a thing and I stomp off to my room.

The moment I reach it I slam the door shut and I punch my fist into it. I felt the pain but it didn't faze me. He called them 'lesser' like he wasn't advocating for that little girl earlier. I was part mortal and yet he called me kind-hearted earlier. Why was he changing so much? I made sure to take off my bow from around my body before collapsing onto my bed. Fuck, this day has been stressful. 

I drift off to sleep thinking of nothing but the desire to sleep, or die. At this point reuniting with my brother and father in the after life sounded better than being here, and I couldn't go home. 

~

I woke up to a knock on my door and I instinctively put a hand to my blade before saying enter, it was a serving girl, "I'm here to help you get ready for tonight's celebration."

"I will not be attending tonight's publicity stunt." she frowned, good. "I'm afraid my lord has told me to help get you ready as you will have no other choice but to be in attendance. I'm going to give you a piece of advice, I know I am but a serving girl with no power and you are a Goddess with power but frankly, [N], after today you have little option but to oblige. You are at this moment, a lamb who will eventually be slaughtered and no one will be there to help you. You have no one at all. So, I suggest, you let me get you ready and then you will go this celebration with a smile on your face and your wits about you." I take in what she said, she's absolutely right. I am alone, I have to oblige and play a good little ally until Loki gains a brain and we can leave this place. Then I can come back as part of Kratos' and my mother's army and tear this place down. "You're a very smart serving girl. How the hell have you been debased to me?"

"I requested it." She started by passing me a package and I undid it. I saw inside that there was a  black cloth, when I unfolded it I saw that it was a black battle dress that was accented by silver metal across the stomach and shoulders. It stopped at my knees and had long sleeves. It looked ceremonial and was absolutely stunning, "Who is this from?"

"I do not know. It was found at your door. You should wear it tonight, from the looks of your wardrobe you do not have any other choice." I nod that I will, I lay the dress down and she rushes to undo the threads of my dress. "I can undress myself, thank you though." She moves back and turns around, "What is your name?" I speak as I undress, "Dagna." 

"And who am I to thank for sending you to me with your sage advice?" 

"Lord Heimdall." I stopped for a moment, "Heimdall sent you to me?" What game is he playing at? "Yes, I had heard of the celebration and the event earlier today. I sympathise for you, you came here to protect the giant but instead he turns on you. You are alone here, I can not do anything to help you in a way that counts but I felt at this point that you needed a reminder of caution. So, I beseeched him in his grace to send me to you and give you a run down of how to behave. He liked the last part." Of course he did, "I suppose your mind has changed on thanking anyone for my presence now. Your hatred for each other is all the servants can talk about now." 

The battle dress was on now, "Its nice to be known, I suppose, even if it for my pure abhorration of him." She turns around clearly seeing I was done, "Whoever made this has beautiful craftsmanship." she comments, "Yes, they do." 

I turned to face her, "Well?" her eyes are wide and her mouth was agape, "You look like a warrior queen." 

"I don't think that was the intention of whoever gave me this." she just shrugs and forces me onto a chair and starts on my hair. "I don't care, you may be forced to be obedient for them but you look like one." I paid attention to the word 'them', "Dagna, are you from Midgard?"

"Yes, I am. My family died in the desolation and after proving myself within New Midgard I caught the eye of my Lord." I rolled my eyes at the title she bestowed, it feels silly to consider him as royalty when I've degraded him so often. It was also weird of imagining Heimdall "How did you catch the eye of Heimdall?"

"I was just useful in forming our settlement, he said that my duty to my people was inspiring and asked me to work for him. I asked about the settlement and he said I'd done more than enough and that I had earned my place among the Aesir. I was hesitant to accept but I suppose I had to obey a literal god. It's actually been alright though, he's not horrible to any of us and ensures we have what we need. You know, its actually quite funny how people think he's this horrible person, he probably has a lot of cruelty but he does have a soft side." I know, I've seen it. I was shocked at her words still, to know that Heimdall wasn't as bigoted as he seemed. I then wanted to ask if all of his cruelty was Odin's influence, that if inside he was truly good but she probably wouldn't know. "You probably think I'm insane for believing such a thing."

"No, I don't." I feel her beam behind me, "Your hair's done by the way." I felt my hair and could feel she had put two braids in a crown around my head and then let the rest fall down, I couldn't see myself but I was sure it was stunning. "Thank you, Dagna." she bows her head slightly and then reaches into her pocket. "I also have another thing for you," she pulls a bottle of liquid in it and I identify it immediately, poison. "If you are imprisoned I believe you won't be killed straight away, and if by luck you are, it will still be slow and painful. I suggest you drink this the moment they put you in chains." I didn't want to agree with her but what she said was logical. I am my mother's daughter, I'm strong and they know it. In there heads I may also know plans for war. I would hope that they have the genius to know that if I'm executed my mother will reign down agony upon them but I doubt they would considering my strained relationship with her. With trembling hands I take the poison. "It should kill you within seconds, its painless, it will be like falling asleep." the way she described it made me want to take it now. I doubt I'll sleep from now on, now that I'm fully aware of the possible pain I will experience if I'm imprisoned. At this point I wouldn't mind dying, maybe I'd see father for the first time. "I must take my leave now, just - remember my advice."

She leaves and I feel like a ton of weights just landed on me. This place is suffocating and is destroying who I was piece by piece, or maybe it isn't just Asgard, maybe it started when my mother told me the truth I pressed her for. I used to be a kind, gentle child who did not know what I was and I liked to climb trees, read books, grow flowers by hand. I used to run around the stave following the movements of the flocks of birds as they danced in the sky. Now, I am violent, I do not understand who I am, I no longer climb trees for fun but to get a good shot, I read books but for strategy and information, and instead of using my hands for cultivation I use them for ruination. No, it wasn't just Asgard, this started when I learned the truth about everything. 

I didn't notice Heimdall walking initially but I definitely heard the beat of his heart and his breathing. I was up before he barged in the room, without knocking. "Do you know how to knock?"

"Yes, but I knew you were fine as I noticed my servant leaving and I also knew you sensed my arrival." 

"Still disrespectful."

"Do you think I care?" No, I don't. I barge past him and he moves beside me. "Are there any rules for me?"

"Just do your job, stop fights if they break out, don't have too much fun." I raised my eyebrow, "I'm actually allowed to have fun?"

"We aren't expected to stand like mindless soldiers, do as you desire, I doubt you'll have few opportunities to enjoy yourself." He was right, I wish I'd bought a book or something. 

~

The mead hall had been rearranged for this evening. The tables had been arranged so they formed a circle around the hall where people were talking, drinking, and dancing. At the back of the room a dais had been formed, most likely for Odin. I did notice that Loki and him weren't here yet, probably waiting for some grand entrance considering that this was for whatever Loki has achieved, probably done to congratulate him on splitting from me. "This is the part where I leave you." Heimdall didn't say a word as I split from his side and moved to a corner far away from the dais but good enough for me to see what's going on. 

A few minutes in and I was glad that I could control my hypersensitivity, it was boiling in here from the amount of people in the space, the music and the speaking was loud even with my hearing unfocused and I hated it. I also felt as if I stuck out like a sore thumb, no one wore black at this event apart from me in the gorgeous battle dress someone had gifted to me, most likely Forseti. I don't know how he got this done so perfectly, it fit perfectly and it was so comfortable. 

~

They arrived in a vortex of crows, Odin was dressed without his cloak in his normal blue but Loki - Loki wasn't in the silver he had been wearing previously, he was dressed in classic Aesir gold. He did not have his bow and dagger either, he had his new sword gifted to him by Odin. He looked like one of them and it was disgusting to see. I looked over to find Heimdall with a similar expression, he's jealous of him. He probably is also thinking of how despite having the title of the All-Father's left hand he's been sidelined and now ]Loki was at his left. Oh, this was glorious. "Thank you all so much for coming to this celebration." It was compulsory, for me anyways, "Thanks to our boy, here," he puts his hand on Loki's shoulder and I roll my eyes, this is so stupid, "Ragnarok has been prevented!" Oh you have to be kidding me. It didn't matter anyways as it was greeted with thunderous applause, the only people who didn't clap or scream or howl was Heimdall and I. People started chanting his name and Loki smiled with such a glee that once made my heart soften, now I just wanted to throw up. "LET US CELEBRATE WITH MORE DRINKS AND MORE MUSIC!" Thor screamed, tankards of mead started to be grabbed for and the music got louder. A headache soon arrived which felt like a sword going through my skull, I automatically thought it was Heimdall trying to read my thoughts again but I saw that he was under the same circumstances, he had a hand to his head and his jaw was clenched so hard I thought for a moment his gold teeth might break. 

It took a few minutes but the initial vigour of the celebration from Loki and Thor had died down to a certain amount and i was able to gain some focus again. "How are you finding this?" Forseti asked, mead was in his hand and he was swaying a little bit, "It's certainly something." he frowned, "You're only not enjoying it because you're being a loner at this wall. Come, dance with me."

"I'm meant to be on guard." he laughed at that, "that's no excuse, come on." he grabs my hand and pulls me into the circle. "Forseti, I don't know how to dance." I scream at him, "It's fine, you don't need to know." that seemed illogical but he was already interlocking our arms and we were skipping around in a circle like maniacs, it then turned to him spinning me around and then us holding each other's arms as we spun around and jumped to the music. It was insane but it was fun and I was happy. We continued spinning each other around and jumping and then eventually the music slowed, so we did and then it stopped all together. "I must go back to my place in the corner, thank you though, that was fun." he smiled, I turned and my heart leaped out of my chest as I saw Loki. 

"You know, it's kinda funny how you told me to be cautious around the Aesir and yet you were just dancing and enjoying yourself with one?" 

"He's my nephew, and at least I'm not allowing myself to be manipulated by any of them." 

"Still being a hypocrite, and I'm not being manipulated, the All-father has been more honest with me and he doesn't hurt me, unlike you." my fists clench and I feel tears start to swell in my eyes. This was Loki not Atreus. This was Loki not Atreus. This was Loki not Atreus. This was - I felt my heart race faster as he screamed my name I forced myself to open my eyes and I felt fear, true fear, as I stared into his enraged eyes. I looked frantically for an exit out of here, I couldn't cry in front of all of Asgard, I couldn't. I found a slim one and pushed through all the people to reach the exit. So close, I was so close. I was at the threshold of the doors when Heimdall stood in my way, "Where do you think you're going?" 

"I - I can't be here." I tried to barge past but he put his arm out in front of me, "Look at me, do you honestly think running from this will help you? We are Aesir, running isn't something we do, we fight."

"I'm not Aesir, you have ensured I remember I don't belong here." I didn't want to belong anyways, "I know that, so do they. But that's not my point, you fight this, you fight for you." His words struck where they were meant to and I felt the weakness from earlier leave me. "Now, you want to anger him more?" I nodded, he held his hand out for me to take, "the next song is something that if we dance to will piss him off." I had no idea what he was insinuating but the idea of revenge on Loki was too gratifying. I took his hand.

~

Heimdall and I walked to the floor, "I don't know how to dance by the way."

"Of course you don't. Just follow my lead and you'll be fine." 

The song started and I followed him as we bowed to each other with our hands flat against each other, it then moved to us having our palms against each other as we moved around each other like predator and prey. We then changed direction and he laid his hand on my waist and I moved mine to his shoulder slowly in time with the music we moved around in slow movements till it formed a circle, when the circle was made he span me and the back of one of my hands flowed across to meet his palm and as I did I noticed how our faces were so close to each other that our lips were a breadth apart, I was glad it was already warm as my face heated. I then pushed myself off and then for a moment we held each other close, our foreheads pressed against each other. I pushed myself back again with the pulse of the sound and we continued the same movements we had done before. He was right, this would anger Loki. The dance was intimate and magnetic, to me, we were the only people in this room and nothing else mattered but each fluid movement. When it came to a stop I felt as if I couldn't move away from him, our heads stayed together with both our hands clasping the other's hair. "Thank you for this." I said as we separated ever so slightly, "it was my pleasure, [N]." the way he said my name was as satisfying as our song was, it unfortunately snapped me to reality and I saw it was just us. Everyone else who was dancing was now watching us. "Heimdall, please for the love of Ymir tell me you also didn't notice this." he separated from me instantaneously, it seemed normal to anyone else but I felt the terror in his gesture. "What did I just witness?" Odin asked, I could hear the bite in his voice. To be fair, I'm also wondering the same thing, I know what happened on a 'we danced' level but the emotions I felt were insane and the draw towards him felt so right and clear. I had never felt anything like that before. "All-father -"

"You know what? I don't care, I'm just happy the two guardians of tonight have found company with each other. I am just glad that the one time you are so distracted with each other everyone was so focused on you both, and that stunning sequence, to cause trouble." Heimdall thanks him and bows, I do the same. 

The crowd clears for both of us as we split and go to opposite sides of the room. I continue with my duties and so does he. No one goes near us, no one interacts with us, and no one gives us a reason to interact with them.

Heimdall when she uses her powers and puts that dickhead in his place - "THAT'S MY GIRL!" moment

The reference to magnetism is legitimate as it was invented earlier than 600 B.C and therefore I can say it.

Also this chapter was so fucking heartbreaking to write. I'm already going through mental damage which made this take a while but holy shit this chapter made me NEED breaks to cry and scream. They are my roman empire everyone.