#forcing myself to. not delete this is 5 minutes

[dokukoi]

STRAY KIDS: ATE

[thirstingfortoxicmen]

Can I request an Ominis Gaunt x Male Reader? Where the reader is really pent up and just needs a break and Ominis gladly helps reader turn his brain off. (Dom Ominis and Sub Reader) please

Yes absolutely 👍 just a warning ive never done sub reader so... we shall see how this goes! (also it deleted my progress so this is me starting over😭)

(oneshot) 🔞🔞🔞

You feel so Beautiful🔞

Dom Ominis x Sub male Reader

(not my photo)

---

“ughhhhhh…” WHAM! my head hits the desk, rather hard but alas still not enough to swindle my headache. Unfortunately, I had woken up with a headache and people have been feeling extra dumb today, which was not helping. I squeeze my eyes tightly closed and hope to Merlin everyone goes away so I can pass away… swiftly… please? I quickly realize there is no god as i get a rude tapping on my shoulder. I take a deep breath in and raise my head from my desk only to find… the godstones kid again.

Dear Merlin I swear if thi- she interrupts me before I can spit my thoughts out, “I need your help, some kids took my gobstones again.” I deadpan.

“Have you even looked yourself, because last time i helped you it took me no less than 5 minutes, basic magic, and simple common sense.” I ask, headache brewing up a storm of death and suffering.

Her face flushing at the (accurate) accusation, “I- well its just- umm… no.” She practically mumbles the last part, she starts shuffling her feet back to the door she marched through feeling so courageous just a second before.

“yeah that's what I thought,” I mutter to myself, as she swiftly leaves the room.

“That was rather odd, what did she want?” I hear Ominis ask. He takes his seat next to me,

“Sebastian being out sick has made me realize how many bothersome people beg for my attention, her for example, wanting me to find her gobstones… again,” I sigh as I say it. Ominis chuckles at my frustration.

“That's true, Sebastian is a great guard dog that is for sure.” Ominis’s hand finds my thigh and he starts caressing it gently, sliding me closer to him. I rest my head onto his shoulder, headache dissipating slowly but surely. Also slowly but surely I feel Ominis creep his hand higher up my thigh.

“Ominis… class just started dont start teasing me now,” as I whisper that into his ears I feel his smirk grow across his face.

“Whatever could you mean,” the sarcasm audible in his voice. I see him flick his wand slightly and as I was about to ask what he'd done I felt a disillusionment charm wave over our laps. My eyes grow wide for a moment only to force my face back to normal so as to not draw attention. My cock twitching against my pants as Ominis teases me. My face had bloomed into a bright shade of red as Ominis pretends all is normal.

“Ominis please…” I beg softly, thanking Merlin that we sit at the back of the class.

“Professor, could I please be excused to Madam Pomfry’s my eyes seem to be bugging me.” Ominis speaks up.

“Yes of course Mr. Gaunt, here let's have someone help you there. hmmmm, Mr. L/n how about you help Mr. Gaunt to Madam Pomfry’s.” the professor declares.

“Yes Professor,” I manage out. My lower half now throbbing with anticipation. I quickly gather our stuff and pretend to guide Ominis to the hall, door shutting behind us. I follow Ominis as he leads me to the Undercroft. He grabs my collar pulling me close.

“Just let me do everything, alright.” Ominis all but demands. He pushes me lightly against a wall, grabbing my chin with one hand the other pressing against my erection. I exhale at the pressure, hearing that Ominis pulls me in and we kiss deep. His tongue working his magic. His hands float down below, freeing his member first then mine. Both of us red at the tips, after almost 30 minutes of teasing. Precum leaking onto the floor as Ominis grabs us both, the action causing me to groan into his mouth. We part for a breath of air. “Accio desk,” Ominis pants out. A desk from nearby pulling up behind me, he sits me on it. Slowly he starts stroking his one hand stroking both erect, leaking cocks. My hips stuttering into his hand as I grow close to the edge.

“Ominis please!” I moan out, his hips stuttering when he hears it. “I'm getting close!” We start making out again, his tongue now scouring my mouth.

“God you feel so beautiful,” Ominis groans into my ear. Like a switch flipping my eyes flutter and I moan out softly, holding onto Ominis’s shoulders I cum. Ominis looking frustrated and on the verge triggering me to hop off the desk and down to my knees. I move Ominis’s hand off his cock and take him into his mouth, he grabs my hair and forces me down. Gagging on him I look up at his face and see a flushed face. Tears welling in my eyes I hear, “C-cumming!” I wait until he finishes before removing my mouth and swallowing. “You did so amazing my dove,” Ominis says. Helping me to my feet I cast a cleaning charm, the mess vanishing. “We should probably go back to class now,” Ominis says whilst holding my face in his hand.

“Ugh, don't remind me.” I say over exaggerating my face. Ominis laughs, having felt my face move.

“Darn…”

“What?”

“It seems my eyes still hurt,” A smirk growing across Ominis’s face.

[ghostphys]

Update after a week of doing this:

So it’s finally update time! Thank you all for the support on my post about this, it really meant a lot!!

I’m going to list the pros and cons of my little experiment, then add a summary/TLDR at the end of the post. This is probably going to be quite a long post as it was definitely an interesting 5 days. P.S, if you have any questions please ask! I’m 100% willing to answer.

Pros:

• My time spent studying over doubled this week. This was the most obvious pro (and the one I was kind of hoping for the most) and I’m so proud of myself for how much I managed to get done. I studied for an average of 4hours/day, whereas before I was only doing 2.

• Studying felt so much more relaxing and productive at night. This probably contributed to the increase in studying; I found I enjoyed studying more, was able to pay attention for longer periods of time, and it started to feel less like a chore, and more like a hobby.

• I started to feel more present in the moment, especially on the bus travelling to/from uni. This wasn’t something I was really expecting, but I think also was partially a result of me deleting social media (which i can totally make another post on if that’s of interest). But where I used to sleep on the bus, or even just daydream, I started to read books, look over notes, and just feel a lot more present in general, which was a fresh of breath air honestly.

• I actually felt a lot less tired while at uni. I think this is most likely due to having been awake for a while before even travelling, so I had plenty of time to wake up. As someone who suffers from both physical and mental health issues, this was really important to me and i was so so much more focused during lectures and just generally wow it was amazing.

Cons:

• Although I found it easier to study, I dedicated a lot less time to keeping my room/study area tidy. I’m not sure exactly why this was, I think maybe just moving around to tidy up at 2/3am felt a bit wrong as I was scared to make too much noise? I think the way around this would be to just tidy right before sleeping at around 6pm, but this was probably my least favourite of the cons:(

• No time for social life outside of uni. Unless your friends are all also borderline nocturnal, then yeah if you are a person who loves going out etc then this is not the schedule for you. Fortunately for me my friends already know i sleep a lot, so most of our socialising happens in between lectures during uni time. (And by that I mean going to cafés and doing even more studying).

• It was kind of hard to figure out mealtimes? Eventually I settled on only having two meals a day, but just increasing portions sizes, and having more snacks in between. This is just what worked best for me, and this wasn’t a huge con tbh, just kind of confusing at first.

• It was so much easier to just hit snooze on my alarms. Because I didn’t have to worry about a bus to catch or anything forcing me to wake up, I found myself saying ‘just five more minutes’ way more times than I should have. I definitely slept in one day sadly. I think this is definitely preventable, I’m sure there are special alarm apps to help with this sort of thing, and i’ll probably be checking that out.

Summary/TLDR: This was such a fun experience for me, I’m really super proud of myself for trying this out and for improving my studying! All in all I definitely found this to be a positive experience, obviously that’s a personal thing so please don’t take my word to be truth! But just in my experience I really found it to help my mental aspect of studying as well as just physically doing more. Although my room got a bit messier, and I kind of just got disoriented about the time of day sometimes, I definitely think these are things that could have been fixed.

Disclaimer: I only tried this for a week which is definitely not enough time to fully change your sleep schedule, and I am obviously not a professional in this field or in research. This was just a fun little experiment and a chance for me to talk about my personal experience. I’m not encouraging this behaviour or saying it is healthy. (I am not informed about the effects on health this would have long term). Do not take some random person on tumblr’s experience as a holy grail of truth or something like that.

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

Wish you peace, always. Considering all, it been extra rough. My guardians were sick, and my fragile of a stability was about to break— but it okay now, and the pendulum of consciousness returned swaying in my head.

Somehow in the middle of everything, I was starting to feel okay and accept that this is the best it can get for this non verbal Mani. I honestly I stopped living as if there was tomorrow maybe the majority of 2023, zero drive or hopefulness, and lately started to accept that there's no denying that I'm not made to survive this life, and dropped all pretence that I'm able, set a 5 years counter. Because if mere looking at people's faces distress me so much that I blank out &/or go mute, since childhood, no amount of me forcing myself to watch videos/ pictures over and over can fix that. That's simply how I'm made and I know that now, and in a way it's bringing me peace.

Because I thought I'm bratting when I wore my headphones to cancel out noise that were literally going to drive me insane, or when I couldn't respond to messages knowing that I can articulate deeply in writing but ignoring all the endless times when I simply couldn't, and have forced myself to eat many things that set me days in nausea and abdominal pain while I only enjoy liquids more and get high off of fruits, I love them so much half my OCs are named after some.. and drew.. drew even before I spoke because it was my only outlit to express because how much I'm told I'm like a robot, I'm so expressionless and non reactive and disgustingly literal, even when they actively beat me black Nd blue to stop drawing, I couldn't.. where do you free those emotions when U can, i needed emotion displays and heartfelt trimmers, thrilling or killing, I needed to do them as if my life depended on it, and I haven't realised it back then, but my life was dependent on them, even when I had 'no talent ' , as I have always been told.

(commissioned by precious Julia ♥️🖤)

And besides drawing my needs, I actually, physically, started to feel better when I didn't do what my body said it literally can't do, all my life:

-Walked away from my guardians arguments, my chest stabbing pains became less frequent.

Stopped "practicing" my voice &/or facial expressions, I talk for 2 minutes, immediately my whole face muscles hurt, voice is cracking and gone, I don't feel like my eyebrows hurt as much. I'm okay being the monotone no expresso train c:

-stopped eating what I "don't like" (I mean it's not like I have much choice, but stopped feeling guilty over refusing it cuz food be tight) Nd now I can actually drink more water, and my tummy aches are on lower levels now

-i stopped dealing with Discord, or group chats in general cuz I don't expect accommodation over things I can't deal with. Stopped stressing over doing engaging material that no body seems to care about, cuz I'm not a good judge of demand, or stressing over either I should be thanking everyone who spams me with likes or not, (while I appreciate it to the moon) 90% of the time they don't respond Nd Im forced to think like I've done something wrong. I'm now at more ease with posting — (literally I have to fight the urges to delete my socials daily) just with interacting with who addresses me (I lov U guys sm) and I've been more relaxed from it.

I returned to "speaking in riddles" cuz if I don't use the words my brain spews no matter how weird they R, a tire will pop somewhere on the other side of an AU- idk lo'

-i rock, hum and laugh OUT my maniacal laugh, hard and strong, continued loving and talking to my plushies as I used to do, the easiest thing I could do to feel calmer again. As everyone should do

.. I stopped saying the word sorry. It's a naughty Mani era.

Accepting these facts and many, even with having no will to live had me saner than I ever been, at least I hope so.

I just know that I have a few to be grateful of: that I'm still here somehow, even with my dwindling income, Nd my internet not worth costing 120$± I'm always grateful for the sudden one or two commissions that keeps me here and buys me coffee and pumpkins seeds..

I still struggle horrindously with sleep. But I'm grateful at least I'm at pure ease playing games. Games been my go to media for knowing basically all based on books they were made about, like Severus and Tintin, I still play their ps1 games! Tho I got stuck on this game & their sleep has given me so much ease lo

I'm at my happy place rn, heh.

Bonus panel: ye they R hungry for that SHI- lo 🙈

And an honorary appearance of my OC with Tintin hehe

Stay safe, don't feed the overconsumption machine, don't give up on your heartstrings's stringers, don't worry— there are people who think and feel like you always between the crowds, and I'm thankful that I share the same timeline with you♥️🖤

Sweet dreams 🌃 19.2.2024

[hanasnx]

indy do u ever experience writers block? i feel like that brain of yours really gets put to work, u make it look so easy

writing is truly my only hobby. it’s writing, watching things, and video games. i do indeed experience writer’s block, i’ve been writing my entire life, almost two decades of experience in it. so i have tried and true methods for getting around it. before i begin those methods, i would like to say: do not force it. if you have to force it, you don’t actually wanna do it and therefore it’s not worth doing. i experience what i call “indy droughts” which is usually a period of time, days, weeks, months that i don’t write and i don’t wanna write, so i just don’t. anyways, let’s get on to my tips.

1) create a ritual. fill your water bottle, bring a sweet drink, go to the bathroom.

2) if you get your laptop all ready and then suddenly you don’t wanna write, do it on your phone. you trick your brain into thinking you’re only gonna write a couple sentences, or jot an idea down, or answer an ask and then suddenly you’ve gotten into the zone. it’s a low pressure, low stakes situation, which helps your brain chill out instead of making it think it has to write because you brought your big bad laptop out.

3) music. listen to music. especially music that matches the atmosphere of what you’re writing.

4) if you’re in the middle of a piece, and something is just not working. you were writing, and now you’re not, you’re staring at the page waiting for the words to happen: that means you don’t like where it’s going. you may think you do, but you don’t. take the last section or sentence and delete it. use it for a different piece. right now, take it in a different direction.

5) i usually start a piece a couple different ways before i get into it. i’ll write a beginning sentence opener and then delete it and try again. i’ll do it a few more times like a warm up of brain jumping jacks and then i’ll get into it.

6) if you have asks, answer them. answer the small ones first, the ones that don’t require a lot of time. move onto bigger ones at your leisure. and only write what speaks to you. it’s another warm-up for your brain.

7) set a timer for 15 minutes and then no matter what, write. doesn’t have to be good. just write. i did that kind of thing for kinktober and it was truly the only reason i got through it.

8) if you have wips that just aren’t working, even if the idea is good but you just can’t get it to work and you’re like “maybe someday!” you are lying. get rid of them or post the idea in the form of one sentence. do not say you’ll do it because if you don’t wanna do it now, you don’t wanna do it later, you are creating a chore for yourself. writing is supposed to be fun. not chores.

9) my favorite method is taking a walk. i listen to my music and i take a walk. it helps my brain develop all kinds of scenes to occupy myself while i walk. and i get sunlight and it’s fresh air and it’s good for you. walking helps and is the most fun.

if none of these work, don’t worry. they might work later. you have to do these things knowing there’s a chance you won’t write after them, and that’s okay. but you’ll never get anywhere making yourself feel bad, or trying to force yourself into doing something your brain simply does not wanna do.

[littlecatfishgoddess]

Your last post, about edging and sending, is so fucking evil. You probably don't even have a clue. That happened to me with another Domme. I thought it was just a fun way of combining gooning and financial domination. It was so much worse. It nearly ruined my life. The denial kept me wired constantly. Could only sleep for an hour or two at a time, before I would wake up horny and confused. I would hold off and tell myself not to send today. But the arousal would keep building. Then I would suddenly see something that triggered me and I say to myself "I'll just send $1 a bunch of times. Just keep sending till I reach the edge." Of course, after stopped, I was even more insanely horny and desperate than before. And much more likely to do it again a few minutes later.

Gradually it started feeling lame, but by that time I already spend a few 100s and I did not want to cum and quit. I was "invested" in it. However, the edges were hard to get and less satisfying than ever.

I started sending $5 sends instead. That made it more intense. I'd send 6-7 times and get to the edge that way. But one time I accidentally double tapped and typed $55.

Instead of deleting the extra digit, I froze. Something in my head told me: "Fuck! If I sent $55 that would be so FUCKING INTENSE!". I was still stroking while thinking this and that didn't give me time to think clearly. At that point, either I would stop or press the the "pay" button. Fuck CA, I hate that app. Ruined my life.

I hit pay.

A flood of adrenaline hit me like a brick wall. I was sweating, heartbeat fast like crazy, couldn't breath. What the fuck did I do? I payed $55 just to stroke my cock a couple of times. Fucking idiot.

I literally threw my phone away from me. I was pissed at myself. What a fucking waste of money!

But my cock was throbbing so hard. Instant edge. Had to stop in fact, but it was like I stayed on the edge for a good ten minutes after, without touching.

Looking back it was such a rush. I don't think anything could beat that. Except there was something that could.

I forced myself to get up and do other things and clear my head. Swore never to do any of that shit again. Domme shrugged and told me to go ahead and take a break.

Jerked off like a maniac and came 9 times in 2 days. I thought that was the end of it.

Next week, I was back. Same rules. No touching unless I am actively sending. No orgasms only edging. She said "you will be a mindless ATM". I actually thought that was hot. Fucking moron!!

I thought this time I'd be more careful. Keep the sends small. Be cool. Just a hot way to make the edge more intense. Wasn't working though. I mean it worked just enough to keep me hooked, but not enough to give me any lasting satisfaction.

I would start with $5 sends. Between typing the numbers, choosing the recepient, pressing pay (fuck the shape of that pay button is still branded in my mind's eye), hit confirm a bunch of times, I could stroke for maybe 10 seconds before it was time to stop... or send again.

Of course I needed to do it again. After the third or fourth time, things would start get going. By going I mean, the voice in my head would start saying: "double it, it will make it so much more intense! Do it, I dare you!" I would try to argue, resist, but then something else would happen. I'd started spacing out.

Probably because of sleep deprivation, or all the hypno stuff I watched for years, I started getting in the habit of basicaly trancing out. Fuck, I wasn't even looking at porn. It was just an app with numbers, and I was jerking off to it while my mind would go blank. I would quickly turn into a fucking zombie. And soon I'd send $10 a couple of times. Instant rush, but not enough to get to the edge. Then I'd send $20. I could not stop myself. I had to continue and gradually send more until I reached the edge. I tried to stop before I reach the edge a few times, but it did nothing for me. Worst than nothing, it was like I wasted the opportunity and money for no reason. No, I HAD to get to the edge.

Long story short. I ended up with a routine. Wake up in the middle of the night. Start stroking and sending $5 dollars. Then start doubling till I reached an edge. Each edge would end up costing me $400 to $1000. I would edge fall asleep. Wake up an hour later, do it again. 3-4 times a night and more during the day. And the "sessions" would only take a minute or two. It was fucked. I was fucked. I was so so fucked. I still am. I am so fucking triggered right now just writing this. I want to do it again. But I am broke and that's the only thing keeping me from relapsing. I have to cum 3-4 times a day just to keep myself from spiraling. Lost over 30K I think and I hate myself. This fucking ruined my life. I will NEVER be able to have normal sex. I will always crave to chase that thrill. Nothing else comes even close. It's like jerking off at the edge of a cliff with a gun pointed at my head. Gooning is a joke compared to the massive dopamine hit I got from this. This shit should be illegal.

You probably won't post this, but you should go fuck yourself for posting about this stuff. I pray to god nobody else ever tries it.

lol... that's hot.

Anyway: Send

[fire-water-grass-core]

OOC

tl:dr i'm placing all my blogs on indefinite hiatus, i'll be putting that in my pinned posts as well.

Well. I made the decision. it's been coming for a while tbh, i've taken a lot of breaks in the last few months, and if i'm honest i never really wanted to stop these breaks. I'm not having fun roleplaying here anymore. It's an ugly truth, but its a truth.

I don't want to blame anyone but myself, please don't get this wrong. But i want to explain myself and i want to be honest. And also, i'm very sorry about incoherent rambling, i can't really help it right now.

I feel like i had no involvement in this community anymore. Which is... objectively false, but that doesn't help me feel better. All the people that made me join rotomblr either left themselves or they evolved so much and so fast that i can't keep up. There are new people as well, and there are many that i like a lot, but in the end, rotomblr is changing way too fast for me to keep up and it simply kills all my joy and motivation. (again, i don't blame anyone here. I want you to have fun. It's just sad that i can't be part of the fun)

I have tried a lot to bring my motivation back to rotomblr by making A LOT of blogs, some have been very well received, some are not getting any attention. And again, i understand that. I don't want anyone to force themself to be into something they're not. And i understand much much better that i can't just expect a blog i created 5 minutes ago to get asks and followers in the hundreds. But this is, in the end, another reason for me to feel left out.

I also tried to plan an event, i tried making a story and none of it really went anywhere. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can go and plan something like this, and how you work together with people like this, and i just can't keep it up anymore. It's gotten so bad that i actually fear opening the app on my phone. I don't read my favourite blogs anymore. And since i realized that, i also realized i need to make a change.

In addition, there is also real life, and other hobbies, and all of it is draining the limited time i have as well as my mental capacity and lately have been getting REALLY depressed. Not specifically because of rotomblr, but i think it's been a part of it.

So. I have made the decision to put all of my blogs on hiatus. I don't want to delete them, because i had it often that i just gave up on a hobby or a game or a book and came back to it after a long time. And honestly, i like a lot of the characters. They are very dear to me, and most of them only live through tumblr, and i don't want to lose them. But i don't have concrete plans to come back anytime soon.

On the other hand, i won't leave the few discord servers i'm in, mostly because i still really like the community and i consider quite a few of you people good friends by now.

PS: I am so incredibly upset with myself it's unbelievable. When i made the blog and started having really a lot of fun, i said to myself that i want to keep this hobby up for one year. That was my goal. And i failed. FUCK. On the other hand i have been ignoring rotomblr for a bit already and it's been kinda freeing. so... yeah... meh.

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

Season 2 Rewatch Drabbles--2x09 The Queen of Hearts

Summary:  A series of 100-500 word drabbles to accompany my   rewatch of season 2 of Once Upon a Time as an attempt to finally jump   start the muse again.  There will be a drabble–either a deleted scene, a   “fix it” fic or a character musing for each episode of the season.    Focus will be on Emma, Henry, the Charmings and Killian–with an   emphasis on the very beginnings of Captain Swan’s epic love story, as   soon as a certain dashing pirate makes his appearance.  

Word Count: 1262

Other Chapters: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (17.5) (18) (19) (20) (21-22) (22)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Note: I know, I know.  This installment is more than twice the word count I limited myself to in these drabbles (making this clearly not a drabble), but I couldn’t end it with that first scene.  I just couldn’t!  We needed a little hope and inspiration after all!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dried up. Dead. Useless. Much like you.

Emma slumped down the rocky wall of Rumplestiltskin’s cell and settled on the ground, dropping her head as the utter futility of their situation washed over her.

For several minutes after Cora and Hook had left the cave, her anger had fueled her, giving her the strength to use her sword to bang away at the bars of their prison, to use brute force to try to get them the hell out of here.

If nothing else, it had been a good outlet for her aggression.

The absolute son of a bitch!

He’d betrayed her, betrayed them all, stolen the heart out of a princess’s chest for the sole purpose of manipulating them.  Who did that?

You betrayed him first, a small voice in the back of her mind whispered.

It was that voice that made the fight go out of her entirely.  Maybe if she hadn’t betrayed him, he would have continued to help them.  Maybe it would be Cora in this cell instead of them. He’d already shown himself to be endlessly resourceful.  Who’s to say she hadn’t picked the wrong side?

Not that she had any illusions that he was anything more than an absolute blood-thirsty mercenary, who would stoop to absolutely anything to get what he wanted.  No, she was right to not trust him.

Where she messed up was in trusting herself.

Dried up. Dead. Useless. Much like you.

He was right; she was useless.  What good had she ever been?  Yeah, she was the “savior”, but this cell, the scroll Rumple had written, proved it wasn’t anything special about her.  She was the savior because Rumple had made her the savior.  Now that she’d broken the curse she was indeed useless.

And even a man she’d just met could see it.  The two of them understood each other, after all.

Dried up. Dead. Useless. Much like you.

The thing is…he hadn’t meant it; not really.  Her superpower had not only flipped on at that phrase but sounded as loud as a five-alarm fire warning.  He’d been lashing out, trying to hurt her.

Because of how badly you hurt him.

The guilt bumped the hopelessness out of the way to take center stage.

He may have been lying his (smoking hot) ass off when he compared her to the bean, but his insistence that he wouldn’t have left her at the top of the beanstalk?  Yeah, that had been entirely sincere.  He’d trusted her, believed in her, put his life on the line for her, and she’d betrayed him.

Because I knew he’d screw me over the first chance he got!

Her superpower flared to life again.  That was a load of crap and she knew it.  She’d betrayed him, because she sensed she could trust him.  She sensed he could become something to her, something big and important and all encompassing, and she couldn’t go there again.  

And because of her fear, they were in the mess they were in now.

Mary Margaret continued talking about hope and optimism, insisting they would find a way out and get home, but truth be told, Emma was beginning to wonder if they’d all be better off if they just left her here.

She was, after all, dried up, dead and useless.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hey!”

Killian’s heart leapt at the sound of her voice, the relief overwhelming.

He was under no illusions that he was anything more than a villain.  He’d done what he had to do to preserve his chance at revenge, aye, but he’d done so at a price that turned his stomach.

He’d never forget the squelching sound that accompanied his removal of Aurora’s heart.  He’d killed before, of course.  Killed, injured, maimed, manipulated, all of it.

But he’d never ripped out a heart.

The bile rose in his throat just thinking of it, visions of Milah swimming before his eyes.  What had he become in his quest to avenge her?

Still, as uncomfortable as ripping out Aurora’s heart had been, it had been nothing to the look in Swan’s eyes when he’d compared her to the dried-out bean. It was such a stupid and preposterous lie that he was surprised he’d been able to deliver it with a straight face.

She was anything but useless.  She was extraordinary.  He could see that even through the pain of her betrayal.

How could he truly blame her for her actions?  Was she not protecting herself just as he was? She was desperate to get back to her son after all.

The guilt deepened at that.  Killian had already separated one boy from his mother, and the guilt of that had eaten away at both Milah and him every day of their lives together.  What manner of man was he to break up another family?

It had been enough that he had almost almost changed his mind, almost defied Cora.

But that would have been suicide.  And a suicide from which nothing useful could have come.

Given that, he’d tamped down his guilt and left with Cora, hoping beyond hope that Swan would find some way home, that her resourcefulness would get her out of that blasted cave.

And so, when the princess brigade had shown up on the scene, shooting the compass from Cora’s hand and rushing them like a troop of avenging angels, his most predominant emotion was relief.

Cora ordered him to get the compass, and he’d turned to comply, coming face to face with Emma Swan bearing down on him with her sword outstretched.

A blind man could have seen her lack of skill with the weapon.  He could have ended their “duel” before it even began, but he had no desire to defeat her, even less to do her bodily harm. His mind went to the bean he possessed.  Perhaps there was a way for the both of them to achieve their objectives.  Perhaps he could let her obtain her prize—could prove to her that he was wrong, so very bloody wrong, in the way he compared her to the bean.

Perhaps he could remind her just how special she was while at the same time retaining his ability to exact his revenge on his sworn enemy.

So, he’d toyed with her, remaining on the defensive (although he couldn’t resist a bit of blatant innuendo once he’d flipped her to her back.  The opportunity to see the surprise—and maybe even a bit of desire—in her eyes, too delicious to pass up).

In the end, back in possession of the compass, she’d dealt him a blow that knocked all sense from him.  He’d come to minutes later—just in time to watch in horror as Cora’s hand shot forward, plunging into Swan’s chest.  He’d been frozen in place, the shock and revulsion so pervasive he couldn’t move; couldn’t speak, couldn’t even cry out.

But then it had happened.  A burst of magic shot forth from Swan, blasting Cora back with such force that she was rendered unconscious.

He was right; she truly was remarkable.  Just like this bean that would soon be restored to its former glory, Emma Swan was back.

Far from dried up, dead and useless, Emma Swan was the best of them all.

                                                                                      Next Chapter-->

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Regular sleep experiment day "fuck it" of idec.

Again I fell asleep at some point after 10, woke up some time later and laid in bed trying to sleep for what I would estimate was at least about 2 hours, before checking the clock and seeing it was only 12:30 instead of even 3 am.

I'd propose that what I try next is just sleep in two 4 hours shifts, one at day and one at night, but that's effectively what i have been doing and my night sleep just erased itself.

I have crawled out of bed to have a cokey-cola and watch x-files because I don't want to spend yet another night just laying there from before midnight until after 5 without sleeping.

Illicit nighttime caffeine tastes so cold and crisp and fizzy. I actually put this box of them in the fridge before consuming them all so they are actually cold. I was torn between avoiding aluminium and avoiding microplastics, but I wanted to be able to drink it in smaller portions without the whole bottle going flat, so I got cans. Tasty tasty rule breaking.

I don't think it matters, my only hope now is to completely upend my current 'schedule' so I can sleep for more than 4 hours in a day again. I need to so desperately. I am getting weird chest pains again, and my heart acts up more when I am sleep deprived.

I guess another part of the problem is that the time I get sleepy at acts like I have a non-24h sleep cycle, where I have to push my bedtime by 1-3 hours each day or I just lay there awake, but the time I wake up -usually- understands what time it is on the clock and will be at the same consistent hour anyway. I have no problem with laying there awake telling myself calming scenarios until I drift off, but the problem is that if i do that too much, my brain becomes content to lay there all night thinking. It's best for my sleep in general if I can fall asleep shortly after laying down.

I have considered that this might be due to having an alarm which can force me awake at specific times by uh... Waking me up, but even if I set a sleep time alarm, which I do, which I currently have, it can't uh... FORCE me to fall asleep. So my body is trained to wake up at a consistent 24h kind of hour, which it will do with no alarm, but not to get sleepy at a consistent 24h kind of hour... Melatonin doesn't help set this time and sleeping pills do something weird to me that makes me really wakeful if not alert or full of any energy. [The last time I tried sleeping pills I was awake for 48 hours despite laying in bed for over 10 hours doing breathing exercises...]

None of this is a symptom of any disorder currently known to man, unless it just counts as the irregular sleep patterns you expect from a patient with dementia or certain psychotic disorders, neither of which I have to the best of my knowledge. Except the caffeine not being helpful thing, that's adhd for sure. So I don't really think there's any point in prioritizing this issue with doctors over my other problems because they aren't likely to know of disorders that I can't even find mention of on the internet in either formal or informal spaces, especially not my gp, and they can't prescribe me anything anyway due to my metabolism being weird. I have brought up issues sleeping before and I get a lot of shrugging. It doesn't help that I sleep 16 hours a day the other half of the time, so they can't treat one problem without making the other worse.

I have also tried alcohol to try to sleep by now, for the record, and that's how I was able to scrape about 20 minutes out of this.

So now I drink this can of coke, feed my cat, and see if caffeine helps me sleep.

If I can't sleep from now until 5, I am going to try again at just staying awake all day to delete whatever 'schedule' my brain thinks it's on now so I can sleep more than 4 hours. If I can sleep from now until 5... I am going to do that, but also let myself have caffeine at bedtime again.

Fuck it, I don't even care, I just want to sleep.

This is why trying to force myself onto a regular schedule is always a pipe dream that turns into regrets.

[cloudbellsv3]

4, 9, 18, 38 for your mcu ask game! ILY❤️

HI THANK YOU ILY TOO MWAH MWAH <3

4. NOTP (Least favorite ship)

I have a couple answers to this that I can be normal about hating…but I fear the facade of me being not absolute bonkers coo coo crazy has long faded. So I will answer this with truth.

If I could mentally eradicate the existence of WinterIron from the minds of every single person who has contributed to its success…I’d wallow in the ethics of that for about 5 minutes and then immediately do it #mindwipingiscoolactually #giveMEthemindstone. I truly, truly, despise that ship with everything in me. And this isn’t a secret! Anyone who has ever spoken to me knows I hate this ship. Just the mere sight of it makes me sick to my stomach oh my goodness. Everyone knows to the point where I'll get disclaimers about any hint of winteriron in fic recs (also i love you guys who do this y'all are so REAL). And it’s not even for, like, morals reasons. I just hate it so much because of how I’ve seen it portrayed. I wish I could say the ship not making sense is the reason I hate it most, but it isn’t! Even though I firmly believe it makes no sense. That’s not anywhere near my main problem with it because I have plenty of ships that don’t make sense (Never ask user cloudbells what her current favorite ultra-sparkly rare pair is [the two characters aren't in the same fandom or even sister fandoms]). 

I hate it for petty reasons. And I hate that it’s so popular. Why is it one of the most popular ships?! Why do people like them? Well, I know why people like them, but I wish I could live my entire life with never seeing it ever again. Every time I’ve ever saw it, it involves some weird ass Steve characterization. But also, I just hate the idea of taking Steve’s top ships and making them in love with each other and then all the weird hateful undertones when it comes to Steve? Plus, in no way are Tony and Bucky ever getting together. I can’t even stand them as besties if we’re gonna get real lmao. I can handle them becoming friendly…maybe friends eventually, but anything further than that and I need Ativan or something to chill out. Omg, I can’t think about this anymore, someone get the straightjacket. I’ll admit myself to residential. But I do always love the chance to talk about things I don’t like. 

9. Favorite fight scene

Gotta say I’m a sucker for the scenes in CATWS where Steve fights Bucky. I love them so much. I love how you can clearly see the way his body twists, the way his muscles tense and release, the way his strikes flow - how sharp his jumping, punching and kicking are. UGH. It does everything for me. I loooooove Steve’s fighting choreography. He fights so clean…at least to me, someone who isn’t a trained fighter. Hm, well, maybe with this in mind, I should say I love the elevator fight. Or Hell - Natasha’s fight scenes. Side note that has nothing to do with the MCU: this just reinforced how much I love hand to hand. I remember when I watched Naruto and used to complain constantly over the lack of good taijutsu fights. I like seeing contact!!

18. Things you'd do if you're one of the MCU writers

Erm…SteveTony canon? Just kidding. But I wouldn’t say no to adding more undertones.

In all honesty, if we’re not talking about re-writes…I would absolutely give more weight to the Clint and Natasha relationship. I just mentioned this to someone, but I would do anything for a movie or mini-series or something just to see the moment where Natasha came to kill Clint and he instead decided to take her in, convince Fury to help, assisted with deprogramming her, ect. I’d love it. Seeing Natasha learn to trust again, seeing Clint struggle and being active in her healing. Natasha coping with everything she’s done, ect. Their bond forming…I need it. If any has any fic recs…

If we’re talking about Steve specifically, I would single-handedly force everyone to keep his deleted scenes and find somewhere to put them. I just wish we had more context on Steve himself. Like, I don’t need to see him having a self vs self angst we see with many other characters, because he’s not the type that needs that - but his external circumstances are fucking shitty and I’d love to see those explored more. I’d rewrite CACW to be more blatant on Steve’s motivations. I mean Hell, they were pretty damn clear to me, but apparently I can’t use myself as the leading authority on things like this (boooooo) and since it’s a CAPTAIN AMERICA movie, it should center around him. I shouldn’t have to defend Steve from the fandom concerning his own damn movie. 

I have some more thoughts but this post is getting long omg, I might not have enough space.

38. Favorite and least favorite villain

Favorite? I really like the potential Kang has (though he wasn’t really…great to me in Ant Man tbh). But anyways, my favorites are Alexander Pierce and Killmonger. I’ve mentioned why I like Pierce as a villain before, but it boils down to how calmly and near seamlessly he executed his power. I’ve always loved a villain that is so outwardly calm and calculated and manages to manipulate even the most suspicious of people, precisely because from his view, his goals aren’t very different from some heroes’. And because he believes in his evil so deeply, it makes him more patient and determined to carry forward. I like that. Chills!

My like for Killmonger is more…it’s a little removed from the MCU verse. I’m a black American, so I really understood where his anger and sense of betrayal came from. I mean, we're also from the same exact city. And I grew up with all typa diaspora wars between black people and African people that felt reflected in the movie…it all just really connected with me. He’s still the villain no doubt for how he went about it, but I truly, truly got his resentment. His emotions and motivations make sense! And I love a character that makes sense. 

Least favorite? The Howard guy in WandaVision. Ouuuuu, put me and him in a room for 2 minutes and he’ll be handled, permanently! I don’t even think he’s a badly written character because he (unfortunately) makes sense. But oh my goodness, I hate him so much. Now, least favorite as in boring or bad? Ultron, in my opinion. He could have been so much cooler, much more formidable, much more terrifying…but if they really dived into it, Ultron’s reign wouldn’t have started and ended in just one movie. But damn, was he disappointing.

Oh! If Namor counts as a villain (he does) I really like him. And NOT just because he's sexy and I have had a period of time where I had a very guilty and shameful crush on him.

Thank you for the ask!! <3

[peopleplacesthingsideas]

What art form is your favorite to do? Photography, drawing, poetry, making music…-What do you like about them?

i just wrote like a 5 paragraph response to this but tumblr decided to delete it so let's just write it out again i guess! basically this is a HARD ASS QUESTION but lets break it down

i think that the appeal to me with poetry is that im already kind of okay at writing and so when i have really really complex ideas in my head i can use it as a medium to articulate them in more detail than i could otherwise. you can just make up ideas out of words! how awesome is that! but i do grow tired of my own voice and style so that sucks.

i am really bad at drawing most of the time so it can be stressful to try to make something artistically valuable in that way. i do enjoy trying really hard to practice it but it takes a lot of brain power for little or uncertain reward so it's hard to make myself do it. i do really want to get better at it though

photography is very cool. i would consider myself to be a very very capable photographer, i think that the only thing really separating me from pros is the investment in the gear. the thing with photography though is that at least how i experience it its more of a reactive thing, i.e. you are trying to stylistically capture what's around you especially while exploring or living life or going somewhere. i would love to get to practice some more studio environment stuff though where i have more minute control over the shots, especially if i had some models i was really close with to work with. id also love to apply my lighting expertise in that area. for me photography is an invitation to try and see the world around you in a beautiful way.

3D rendering is similar to photography in that it can create photorealistic environments and scenes, but it is different in that you are not limited to things that you could achieve in real world setups like you are with photography. you can create things that are limited only by your imagination and they will have a resolution far beyond anything that anyone could ever draw or paint, but there are limitations. you have to have a vision beforehand, you have to create every element of the environment yourself and so you have to have your own vision and be able to accurately represent your vision in the software in detail, which can be difficult depending on what you are doing. I think it's very cool and that it can create some very interesting pieces, and I want to do more of it, but my licenses have expired and so I'm not able to do any of it at the moment until i get the money to renew them. I also have forced myself to learn it enough that I can usually create some basic scene out of an idea i have, this is not always the case but it does give me the ability to come up with things and ideate them and make them into something beautiful without too much work or struggle.

I am very bad at making music by myself. any time that I somehow am graced with some sort of musical vision I immediately try to record it, but I struggle to make much more than small snippets. I am able to add on to other people's ideas that they have started, but it is very difficult for me to make the basic structure of music in the first place. it's similar to drawing in the sense that it will make me very frustrated if I try to do it for too long and express an idea that I have that I don't have the skills to articulate.

that's it!

also graffiti is fun to mess around with lol

[lightlyt0astedtoast]

I'm back!

Tldr at the beginning so you don't have to read: I was on Tumblr before, I left, I'm back. I like Typology, MDZS, DSAF, PJSK, and Vocaloid. I'll make a real introduction later.

I've literally posted and deleted like 5 posts trying to reintroduce myself to tumblr. Once you spend years on TikTok, where if your post doesn't get at least a few likes within the first 30 minutes it's a failure and you delete it, it's kinda hard to kick the habit of instantly deleting posts out of embarrassment.

Anyway! I've come here to resurrect my corpse of an account. I made this account when I was a young teen and excessively delusional, posting about a disorder I thought I had but didn't, then when I gained a small sliver of a connection to reality and realized I didn't have the disorder I felt shameful and guilty, apologized for accidentally faking a disorder, then deleted all my content and moved far away from this website. I moved to posting strictly on TikTok, much more toxic from my experience, but I managed to fit myself into a small bit of a community. I didn't talk much due to being shit at talking online/over text, but I had a couple of mutuals and got a decent amount of traction for my Typology/enneagram content. I've been homeschooled since covid and have had zero chance to interact with anyone other than my immediate family for multiple years now, so it felt like I was sorta being social.

I'm back due to the fact my dad spontaneously blocked TikTok on our wifi, and with it, basically blocked the small semblance of a social life I had developed there. I use my YouTube to post only synth V covers (very rarely, I'm not the most confident in my covers so they mostly sit finished but never posted), I'm never touching insta again, and twitter (or ig X now?) is itself, so I decided to move here.

How tf did I even use this site back when I was younger?? I guess I had way less shame and social anxiety online, when I was on TikTok I was afraid to even comment, hell near 2020-2022 I was afraid to even like videos. Here reblogging is very important, I might just die. I will try my best to force myself to reblog posts I like and actually keeping my own posts up for more than 5 seconds until I get used to it.

I will make a proper introduction post later, but for now, what you can expect from me:

Post gushing about my faves

Random thoughts I thought was funny that I'll probably delete within the same 24 hours when I stop thinking it's funny

Typology stuff, mainly enneagram

Text posts about my interests (I can't draw for shit, so text posts are all you're getting)

Character.ai screenshots that I thought were funny (most likely in a big image dump)

Me bragging about my Project Diva/Project Sekai scores

And here's my interests:

Typology (big surprise)

Mo Dao Zu Shi

Dayshift at Freddy's (I know FNAF lore, but I don't consider myself a fan, so I'm a strange creature that is into a FNAF fan game but not FNAF)

Project Diva/Vocaloid/Vsynths in general

Project Sekai

My faves:

Nie Huaisang (forever a Nie Huaisang apologist)

Dave Miller (why he ourple?)

Jake Wilson (apparently I like purple)

Kagamine Rin (best vocaloid ever made)

Yuma (Synth V, idc if he's just a letter)

Ena Shinonome (sx4's are objectively cool)

Thanks if you read all that. I become a socially anxious mess online (for good reason, I'd think), so it'll take a while to adjust myself to a site that requires so much more active interaction. I'll make the real introduction post and then I'll try to post/reblog until I no longer have as much anxiety around it.

[thesafewaystobereckless]

Getting blackout drunk is dumb

So last night, I finished a bottle of wine, and then decided to finish another full bottle right after. Somewhere after the first third of the 2nd bottle I have NO memory of what happened. I remember making a slew of Instagram stories discussing random shit and thankfully I had the better sense to delete them. This morning when I woke up, I remembered I had done that and was so grateful there was nothing posted. Then, I remember being in my bathroom cleaning up puke. I think I had puked in the sink. Then, I remembered inflating my mattress.

However, this morning when I woke up all I could smell was puke. In my living room there was just a huge puddle of it. On my phone, I found a 43 second long video, just pointed at my Echelon bike, and I'm saying something about financial planning. At least that's what I could gather from the first 5 seconds before my words became so slurred I have no idea of what I'm saying. From the point of view, it looks like I was on the floor.

From the evidence of my shirt and sweatpants, I was covered in my own vomit. So what I think happened was I must have puked, gotten on the floor, and was unable to get up so I must have just laid in my puke for a bit. That could have turned out so much worse. I genuinely could have died if I had inhaled my vomit, or puked while I was unconscious. When I was a kid, my father actually had to be taken to the ER because my mom found him passed out, choking on his own vomit after he got drunk. He turned out okay though.

I've certainly drank more in my life, but all in all, but I hadn't eaten much yesterday and I drank about 1.75 bottles of wine in about 45 minutes. That was dumb.

But yeah. My hangover could have been worse. After forcing myself to eat, drink some water, and work out, I felt normal.

I want to say that this is going to make me reevaluate my drinking. Ideally, I'd like to get down to only drinking moderately once or twice a month, which half a year ago was my norm. It's certainly motivation to drink less, at least less at once.

[joqatana]

Today Mr Stompy woke me up at quarter to 6 because I dared to say yesterday was a good day.

20 minutes lights. I think I’ll pump it up to the whole time I spend having coffee.

So my body has decided it’s allergic to things that didn’t bother it yesterday.

Because I must be punished.

Just like reasonable accommodation seems to mean making me move upstairs instead of enforcing the NO NOISE BEFORE 8 AM POLICY

Did laundry.

Forced myself to go for a walk between drizzles.

Saw birds

And flowers

And lichen

Took a shower. Got lectured about good times for bands to play by a guy in a bar band in Lodi who seems to have not noticed what musicians I hang out with. I think I’ll go delete the post. And so I did.

Because I am talking about actual rock stars who play stadium shows. In the daytime. Not a bar band from Lodi playing Aerosmith covers

Took a shower.

Listened to Mr Stompy’s smoke alarm for 15 minutes. Next time I’m calling the FD.

Why can’t I enjoy a day without having the next day go all to hell?

And my rain keeps getting reduced. It’s drizzling again.

11/5/23

[wasteyrselfkid]

on days i feel like no one will get it

i come to tumblr, and while i know people (i may or may not know) can read this - i like how it feels like i'm screaming into the void.

things...are....not...great. and my pessimistic self would say, when are they ever? but things are okay sometimes. and i like it when they're just okay, that's enough (especially on a day like this). i don't want my days to be filled with love and light and rainbows, i'll take days that are just ordinary - where i have my coffee without looming anxiety, and eat my lunch without shivering at the thought of weighing myself, and do my work without feeling like i've failed at life. that's all i ask for.

i enjoy my company so very much, but not today, or this week, i want to run away from myself - astral project while i am awake. i feel lonely. i texted my friends saying 'i have been feeling extremely existential, maybe it's just my depression creeping in again' (well, it's always there, just not as loud) and their response was 'oh it might be the weather changes' - oh how i wish it is. i hope it's just the weather. it rained and thundered today for exactly 30 minutes and i felt seen - so maybe it is the weather. but i doubt it, a very experienced guess.

i haven't smoked a fucking cig in over 2 months and today i almost did. i cried for a good while after work ended and i changed my outfit 5 times before going to the gym. i almost cried on my way too. gym was great, as per usual, i blast the saddest songs and it hurts so good - i wish it was a coping mechanism that last longer - i would lift heavy things for hours if i could. anyway, on my way back when the endorphins dissolved, i thought a cig would fix how i am feeling, atleast temporarily. or atleast, i self-sabotage myself to make myself feel worse. win-win. i almost walked to the cig shop but turned around, i said, let me walk around the block and if i still feel like smoking - i'll do it. so i walked around the block. then i forced myself to go home.

moral of the story is that i'm trying to be better, but everything is working against me. it's just one of those weeks, months, where i feel like i've lost the fight or atleast it's not worth fighting. i just deleted instagram and the last time i did back in 2020, my mental health improved a little - so i hope it works now too - gotta take all the shots i guess. anyway, i'd love to absolutely disappear or scream at everyone or smoke a 1000 cigs or just disappear. but no i hope it's just the weather.

[queer-jew-writes]

Sometimes the things I enjoy feel like a chore

Holding a pencil over a blank sheet and my hand shakes and my heart aches

There should be something there, it has been 15 minutes, I toss it aside still a blank sheet

The show that I obsessed over for weeks plays on netflix in the background

Netflix has asked me three times if I am still watching and three times I have lied

I do not know what episode I am on and I do not know what I've missed

I haven't looked up from the shitty aesthetic pictures on tumblr since the last time that netflix asked me to

I have not went to the bathroom, drank an ounce of water, or eaten anything in 9 hours

I have left my bed once today when I woke in the morning, if you can even call 2pm the morning, to go to the bathroom and grab what will probably be my only meal of the day, a child's nacho lunchable

I keep the fridge stocked with them for the weeks where a cooking a 3-minute microwave meal is the same as running a 12k

I have never even ran a mile and there's a good chance that trying would leave me dead on the asphalt

Maybe if I'm lucky I will make it to the bathroom again before I roll over in my bed, light still on, phone unplugged, wearing 8 day dirty clothes, and worry my way into a not restful sleep

I am living proof that it's possible to sleep for 15 hours and wake up more tired than before

The park that I once loved is a 5 minute drive away, the place I like to sit is a 5 minute walk from my car

I could spend 10 minutes sitting in the park, for a grand total of 30 minutes of my day, 1/48th

But I have not been outside in a year, that is not an exaggeration

I have been from my porch to my car, and from my car to the store or doctor and from the store or doctor back to my car and from my car back to my porch but I have not seen the sun

My skin is three full makeup shades lighter than normal and 4 or 5 shades lighter than me in the summer

My doctor put me on the highest dose of vitamin d she has ever prescribed, said I was close to serious serious complications, told me I quite literally had the lowest levels she had ever seen

I almost cancelled that appointment because I didn't already know where my shoes were, I hadn't showered since two weeks earlier, sprayed myself with enough axe to smell like a middle schooler on the football team, and silently hoped that she couldn't tell that I smelled like death

I did not shower for another week, a grand total of 23 days, before my grandma threatened to dumb a 5 gallon bucket of soapy water on me in bed

If you've met her, you'd know she's a crazy enough bitch to do it, love her with all my heart, but it doesn't change the fact

I pulled myself into the shower, stood for 45 minutes under the water before I found the motivation to actually shower, put on a shirt, wrapped a towel around my waist and went back to my room where I passed out in a wet towel half undressed

My friends text me

Are you okay

Hope you're doing well

Miss you

Worried, text me back when you can

These are people I would die for, people that I love

But I do not answer, the guilt of making them worry almost overpowers the overwhelming feeling that all of my relationships are meaningless but ultimately

20 deleted messages turn into a thumbs up and heart emoji

It's like I've already used all of the joy I'll be given in this life time, I know where I've spent it but I don't know when I will be getting paid again

Sometimes the things I enjoy feel like a chore

The box of embroidery thread sits beside me, fabric hooped in my hands, needle threaded, design stenciled, and I can force a couple of stitches

But

I feel like I'd rather get them