#for the record it *does* feel weird talking about a character who is me but also isn't but as if they're just another OC

[the-consequence-of-imagination]

Kay absolutely jokes about having been (and being) a shitty wizard. Average intelligence (which is considered low for a wizard) & has a hard time remembering spells (especially remembering *which* somatic component goes with *which* verbal & so on, just so many variables). She relied to heavily on her spellbook to really memorize much, only to lose it when she got stuck on the Astral Plane. And then lost her next spellbook when she *left* the Astral Plane.

But also, after getting close to Gale & meeting Lorroakan, she notes how other wizards tend to have a penchant for hubris (Elminster is much more chill but he does see much of himself in Gale), meanwhile she's... kinda not? Like yeah, part of her hoped that *maybe*, with her time spent in the Crystal Spire she might end up as Kelemvor's apprentice or something & eventually become a god of death herself, but that was more of a "wouldn't that be cool if it eventually happened" kind of thing. She doesn't actively seek out godhood, & she's generally pretty humble (and when she does act confident, it's usually because she thinks that's what will make the situation go smoothly; it's not really genuine confidence, but a part to play), hence her not shying away from jokes at her own expense.

Gale makes a comment after a development with Wyll along the lines of "that's why I would never be a warlock", & Kay kinda internally winces. She knows that most wizards look down on other forms of magic, that warlocks are lazy or foolish or both in their eyes. She feels the need to get defensive about warlocks even though her case, her pact, is a somewhat unusual situation. Kay has been lucky enough that the gods & god-likes she's come across (Kelemvor and The Raven Queen) aren't evil like Shar or Mizora, or jealous & possessive like Mystra. She's incredibly lucky that they've actually been helpful (Kelemvor for allowing her to reside in the Cystal Spire for so long, even if part of it was because her father was a devoted cleric of his; RQ for granting her safe passage to the material plane as well as magic at the "cost" of basically getting to play grim reaper) rather than utterly ignoring her (that one Astarion line lives rent free in my head). It's because of that that she believes that not all warlock patrons are sadistic manipulative fiends (literally or figuratively), & warlocks tend to get a bad rap in general, so she's a little defensive.

On a different note, I'm thinking of respeccing her again & going with her getting a couple levels in warlock before decides to multiclass into cleric (for Kelemvor), & then after another level or two she takes up wizardry again (particularly divination, as there doesn't seem to be any resources on chronurgy on the Sword Coast) but goes back & forth between leveling as a warlock & as a wizard. She also considers dabbling as a bard; she's certainly got the charisma for it, but despite her love for theatre, music is not her forté.

When Gale mentions Sorcerous Sundries, she hopes they might have some materials on chronurgy, but of course only ends up disappointed (especially after she & Gale ran around where they shouldn't have trying to find the Annals of Karsus & stumbling across what they needed to unlock the Necromancy of Thay, & yet NOTHING on chronurgy; sometimes she really does miss the home she made of the crystal spire). After killing Lorroakan, she wonders who will take over the Sundries... and if maybe, *if* all goes well in taking down the Chosen and the Elder Brain, she could possibly step into the position. Surely if so asinine a man as Lorroakan could run the place, then she could?

[allisonlol]

Bsd characters with a s/o who does only fans?

a/n: omg hello?? i’m BACK. thank y’all for all the love in my absence btw…we hit 3k awhile ago and i didn’t say anything so TYSM❗️🫶🏻 here are some little hc’s to get me back into the swing of things. i chose a bunch of randoms!

warnings: mild sexual content, implied violence

BSD Characters When You Have an Onlyfans

Dazai:

first and foremost lol

he is DEFINITELY down for this shit

you need him to take photos for you? he already has the camera open on his phone. you wanna record something with him? you blink and his clothes will already be on the FLOOR

i feel like dazai already has a thing for recording sex, so he loves it

i’m sensing a bit of voyuerism with the way he wants other people to watch y’all 🤨

also doxxes and hunts down the people who leak ur shit 🫵🏻❌

Chuuya

hmm mixed opinions on this one

like. chuuya doesn’t wanna control u or tell u what to do, but…

he is too possessive a man to be alright with u having an onlyfans

is embarrassed to admit this tho and will just be like “oh…okay” while avoiding looking you in the eye if u ever mention it

completely avoids getting involved with it…sorry but you’ll have to take ur own pictures.

don’t get me wrong, he likes to see them after and always think u look incredible!! chuuya just hates to imagine all the other men doing the same and worse to them

bro will hustle even more to provide enough money for you to get off the net 💀

Akutagawa

u had to tell him what onlyfans was and even then, he was like “erm…”

i feel like he doesn’t take it too seriously. at first almost considers it like instagram 😭

but once u ask him to help take pics for you, and he sees what ur (not) wearing, he’s suddenly like “what’s all this abt…”

let’s you continue to post but only if he can stand in the background of each picture with a knife 🔪

besides that, he doesn’t like being on camera for videos or anything. doesn’t feel comfy with u filming what he considers ur most intimate moments 👎🏻

Nikolai

don’t have to ask him twice!! this man is even more eager than dazai

becomes his goal to get you to the top 1% (and y’all get pretty damn close)

your photos and videos turn much kinkier once nikolai joins you

gets u new lingerie to wear for each photo set, buys u a bunch of toys, proposes new ideas for videos…might as well give this man 50% of profits

almost starts to take over YOUR onlyfans…makes an appearance in every post 💀

Fyodor

i’m unapologetic about this one

it’s an immediate and definite no

demands u delete the account and “respect yourself more” 🤨🤨

(covering up for his extreme possessiveness…he cannot stand any “vile men” looking at u)

u try to show him the photos on there and he shoves your phone away, talking some shit abt how it’s disgusting??

i feel like fyodor has one of those weird madonna-whore complexes…whole other thing to get into but basically he doesn’t even like to see sexual photos of u most of the time 💀

ur messing with his religious vibe!! don’t tempt him!!

taglist: @deadmitochondria @miycutie @chuuyasboots @shy-socially-awkward-intovert @beandaifuku @stygianoir @sonder-paradise @irethepotato @serenareiss @ashthemadwriter @mrsdostoevsky @creamygojo @disa-ster

[briardoll]

The Obey Me! Characters react to an MC who talks to themselves!

Lucifer actually thinks it’s kind of cute, but worries you may be lonely, or quite possibly mentally ill. He may ask why you talk to yourself so much so please assure him that you’re fine!!

Mammon thinks you’re crazy, “who likes talkin’ to themselves??” Maybe it’s a weird human thing, or maybe you’re just a weird human. Either way he’s gonna bust in and ask why you’re so passionate in your hatred for modern art. (The kind of stuff where they paint a canvas entirely blue or tape a banana to a canvas and call it art. <- defo isn’t something I’M passionately hateful about (¬_¬))

Levi understands completely what it’s like to have to converse with yourself because you know nobody else understands/cares about what you’re saying. Comes in and tries his best to listen and understand your thoughts!

Satan stands outside and eavesdrops on what you’re saying, uses the information he earns to one-up his brothers by knowing what you like/dislike without ever having asked or being told directly. It creeps you out until you come out of your room unexpectedly and catch him spying.

Asmo will originally think that your live-streaming something and check all your socials, (why would you stream without telling him!? He wants to watch every second you know!) when there are no lives to be found, he comes in and asks to help film the deviltube video with you, realizing there’s no video to film either he decides to get in on the conversation and even agrees with what you’re saying! He never knew you had that much in common before!!

Beel thinks you must be hallucinating, it’s because you haven’t eaten enough of course!! He brings you your favorite meals, drinks, and snacks so that you can regain your mental stability. You tell him that you just talk to yourself to get your thoughts out somewhere and it confuses him, he’s a man of not too many words, and if it’s not about food he’s doesn’t usually pay enough attention to form an opinion. Eats snacks with you and listens to what you have to say.

Belphie thinks you talk way too much about things that aren’t important. Does laugh when he hears about the time a cicada flew in your mouth one summer as a child. “So you’ve never known how to keep your mouth shut, huh?” Whoops, gave himself away, now you know he’s there!!! (Definitely never happened to me and I’m definitely NOT speaking from experience! Actually… yes it did. I’m scared of cicadas TO. THIS. DAY.)

Diavolo thinks you talk to yourself because he doesn’t make enough time for you! He feels bad that you feel the need to talk to yourself because he’s made you so lonely! Please promise him that he did nothing wrong! He’ll still deploy a little D. To be your conversation partner when he’s busy with paperwork.

Barbatos only requests that you speak to yourself quietly, the young lord is working you know! At least now he knows your likes and dislikes better and can better cater to your needs. (him and Satan have similar mindsets in this regard)

Simeon wonders in you’re recording some kind of podcast. He’s never found it online, but it doesn’t bother him because he can listen from right outside your door. Is always excited to know what the next episode is about!

Luke comes in and asks you if you’re sick, when you tell him no, he asks if you’re lonely. You could’ve just asked him to talk! Baked some sweets and shares them with you while you talk about your common interests.

Solomon responds randomly to your rhetorical questions from outside the door. You tell him to go away and that you weren’t talking to him, just when you think he’s gone he answers you again and laughs, it’s now a fun game for him to play when he visits you.

Thirteen plays pranks on you while you do it, knocks on the door really hard and then hides so that when you open it nobody’s there! Will go to the electrical breaker in the house and switch the lights in your room on and off to hear you scream in terror.

Raphael thinks a curse might’ve been placed on you, asks if he needs to rain spears onto the person who did this to you, you tell him that no, you weren’t cursed, you’re just like this. He now thinks you are very odd and may possibly need some kind of mental help.

Mephisto will not tolerate your stupidity. If there is nobody in the room, you simply don’t speak, you aren’t filming a video, you aren’t talking on the phone, and you’re certainly not normal for acting like this! Cease it at once!

[solarmorrigan]

I know everyone and their mother has made a post about this already, but the thought makes me laugh every time

Hopper does not approve of Steve and Eddie together

This is not because they're both guys – he genuinely does not give a shit about anyone's sexuality one way or the other. If everyone is legally consenting, then he can't be bothered. But he doesn't like Eddie

It has absolutely nothing to do with Eddie dealing drugs (let us not forget that Hopper was on some less than legal shit himself in at least the first season). It has nothing to do with Eddie being a "criminal" or a "delinquent" or a ��bad influence.” Hop's a good judge of character, he knows Eddie isn't a bad person. He probably knows that Eddie is actually kind of a marshmallow. He doesn't give a shit about Eddie's "criminal record" or about his reputation

He doesn't want Steve to date Eddie because Eddie annoys him

Hopper doesn’t understand where he went wrong. First El with Mike, now Steve with Eddie. Why do these children have such terrible taste in boys? Surely there have to be at least some other gay guys in town around Steve's age? Literally anyone other than Eddie. Someone who doesn't just randomly pull weird voices out in the middle of conversations, or who doesn't go on rants about capitalism or forced conformity or whatever the fuck that remind Hopper a little too much of conversations with Murray, or who don't speak half in book and music references (specifically books and music Hopper is unfamiliar with; he's 90% certain Eddie's doing that on purpose)

Hopper does not truck with theater kids

And yet he finds himself seated at the dinner table, making nice with Eddie goddamn Munson, because somewhere along the way Hopper acquired Steve, and then Steve decided he likes Eddie, and if Hopper wants to keep Steve, he has to make his peace with Eddie. Joyce is the one who’d suggested they all have dinner together (she actually likes Eddie, and Hopper would accuse her of having bad taste, but he’s pretty sure her bad taste had led her to him in the first place, so he feels like he shouldn’t really complain about that) and it’s probably only the fact that she’s doing most of the talking that’s keeping Hopper’s annoyance level below critical

But the worst part. The absolute worst part. Is that Eddie is entirely oblivious to how annoyed Hopper is. But Steve? He keeps glancing over at Hopper and fucking smirking. Steve knows. And he is greatly amused

[fumifooms]

Laios Touden and autism; admiring the non-human

Do you think people exaggerate when they scream about Laios being autistic? Do you feel like it’s weird that so many people including autistics are so set on Laios, the problematic (but incredible and kind) king TM, being the most autistic that has ever autisticed? Why do we cheer on autistic people wanting to be monsters?? Isn’t that weird?

Well, of course it depends on the way it’s done, it can be done quite offensively, but long story short Kui blew it out of the park. The thing is, autistic people really do like monsters and animals and robots. Nonhuman does not mean subhuman, it just means Other. Feeling a connection with them has been shown to be an extremely common autistic experience for that very reason.

Because some people don’t understand why we autistic Tumblr Laios stans cheer “autism! Autism!” whenever he talks about monsters and feeling alienated to humans so! Here’s a post about how yes even research papers are analyzing the special connection we form with animals. I’m not even joking but Laios Touden & the mass cries of relatability with autistic people he gets and all the love for him could be used as study material and evidence for future papers because the link is that strong. Oh also I think it’s notable that being autistic and undiagnosed vs diagnosed makes a huge difference. In my experience as someone who was undiagnosed up until 18, it’s even more alienating to not know that there’s a reason why you’re different, being gaslit that you’re ‘normal’ and you just need to try harder and get with the program, etc. Personally when getting diagnosed I went through the 5 stages of grief because the thought of having been fundamentally different all your life (a difference which you will never be able to change) and mistreated for it when you weren’t “wrong” all along makes you unload all the anger and sadness and loneliness and sheer trauma you’ve built up over time. Like it’s world shattering.

So! Back to seeing dogs as family. Also I implore you to value experiential evidence when it comes to autism and other neurodivergences because brains are complicated and neurotypicals not being able to understand us well even with scientific research is like, a whole thing even though we’re right there speaking about how we feel and being right every time because the topic is literally us and how we experience the world. 

Disclaimer for this whole post that, of course, no group is a monolith and everyone has different experiences or can diverge from the norm of the group, and that doesn’t diminish the validity of either side! Like, I know autistic people who have trauma with dogs and hate them. But, trends do happen, and in this case... Autism is very “My experiences with humans make me feel dehumanized in a bad and lonely way so instead I’ll dehumanize myself in a good and inspiring way”.

“I was treated like a failed human my entire life and you’re surprised that my response was to become a dog.” -Patricia Taxxon

It’s literally well recorded that autistic people relate to animals more than humans globally. With this post, besides spreading autistic Laios truthism and explaining why the portrayal hits so deep for so many,  I want to show in what way this is a very specific experience and not looking at his character through an autistic lense really misses a lot of why he’s everything that he is. (Tacking allegedly onto here for legal reasons, different interpretations are valid etc etc /gen). This honestly isn’t super long though.

To define an important term, anthropomorphism in the studies and in this post means to attribute human traits to the nonhuman, which not only includes anthro furry designs but also animals irl, inanimate objects, and animated media as opposed to live action, to humanize them and empathize with them.

Paper: https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0027 

“Dogs taught me how to hunt and socialize and work in groups”, Laios having internalized body language... So real so real. I, too, make a great dog impression. And I want to emphase the part that it helps greatly develop a sense of emotions and relationships! For Laios, he didn’t get along with kids his age, it was him, Falin and the dogs against the world. Since it’s a group of dogs too, it taught him group dynamics and social hierarchies (like with Falin being considered as being below the dogs in authority according to the dogs rip), and the importance of group coordination when hunting.

For me, I cannot like, concisely explain just how much animals were important to me developmentally. I also grew up with dogs, but like I vividly remember encounters with like hamsters as well just radically shaping my understanding of boundaries, the importance of giving something space and the way you interact with them and respect their side of it. Unlike humans they don’t really mask how they feel, it’s direct cause-effect reaction and data gathering. There are no words involved, so the focus on having a perfect phrasing and tone is gone, leaving just pure interactions. 

There’s also no reason to mask how you feel either, and you don’t have to feel silly over wanting to form a connection and it showing, what, is the dog gonna laugh at you because you obviously want to make friends with it? Toshiro or Kabru might, but dogs and cats will just tell you to fuck off and leave it there worst case scenario. I often say that I think one reason Marcille is special to Laios and he feels comfortable around her is because she emotes INTENSELY, she gestures, she puts her whole body into it, her facial expressions are pretty exaggerated and her ears even emote too- like with a dog’s ears!

I think there’s def also things to be said about how he gravitated towards Izutsumi at first, all excited, was eager to sleep in the same bed as her, but in the Izutsumi sleep rating chart we see they really just casual and chill so it’s not a Laios talking to Shuro deep into the night situation just a “I like sleeping besides animals” situation and that is enough to hype him up. I love how he pet her in the extra about why Chil let her sleep with him too. He’s just so transparently eager to befriend her, even if in the end they weren’t all that compatible and he accepted that.

There are honestly so many examples I could give for this. Like Grandin the famous cow lady.

More about autism & empathy:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/ (Also mentions a study in which groups of autistic, allistic then a mixed group played a game of telephone and both singular groups had similar levels of information retention, but the mixed group was significantly worse. As an autistic person yeah duh, obviously autistic people are different from one another and can have plenty of interpersonal issues, but communicating with other neurodivergent people feels pretty intuitive and straightforward and comfortable. One of the reasons why neurodivergent people tend to naturally gravitate towards each other I suppose.) 

^ Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5932358/  For good, extensive summary of why we relate to animals so much you can go to the “anthromorphizing and asd” section of the paper. This paper extends to our widespread liking of cartoons and robots as well. Ok so this is a whole thing I won’t get into here but this is a big reason why a lot of autistic people are agender leaning as well. Genders and queerness in general is a lot about social constructs, and being queer is being marginal to these, not fitting into boxes or challenging those social norms and conventions. Queerplatonic relationships are a great example of this, where the framework of the relationship is platonic but the intangible nature of what it is exactly is the point, not familial not anything but everything at once too, just adoration, I like to say having pets is a bit like it as well, bc obvi it’s not romantic and often not fully familial, very platonic but also sooo much cuddling and adoration and kissing and whatnot that you wouldn’t typically do with a friend or family member. I’ll talk about qpr and labels another day though.

I got carried away but queerness in Dunmeshi is something I 100% want to make a big post on one day. Experiencing the world with different guidelines and not registering things to have the same boxes, sigh. Personally I also relate to Laios on a gender level, “cis by default because I don’t care all that much but if I were to dig deeper I’m probably otherkin and I want to be socially associated with traits of monsters and animalistic rather than man/woman” sighh hard to be a cryptid in this day and age. I wish we had a term like furry but for monsters, I want to be in the fantasy or folk tale genre ty, like changelings. Goshh changelings... You know, the irl myth where people said their neurodivergent kids were fairies’ children instead of human. Diminished physical sense of self means I see myself as some unknowable black  void aesthetic wise, but like in a way that simultaneously makes me feel seen. Like becoming a monster, losing your sense of self but also somehow just being simplified and seen for what you are, it’s weird to try and explain. This post is more about relating to the nonhuman than about seeing yourself as such, but like connect the dots right, that IS an important point of Laios’ character. It’s because our brains literally work different than allistics which makes us feel as other, but also because of social ostracization and functioning in a different way than society at large, living in the margin of society, being weird and non-conforming.

Meanwhile, animals and social norms... Like ok, showing your neck and rolling on the ground to show that you’re friendly and harmless and play biting might not be proper. But have you considered that it’s also fun and feels very intuitive. Play with a dog in the dog’s way I promise it is so nice and freeing. Play tug of war and growl back when they growl. Hiss at your cat to tell them they do something wrong, engage with them on their level.

Autism made social life hard, but it made animals easy. Do you have anyyy idea how good it feels to mask all day every day and feel constantly misunderstood or like you’re doing a performance but then you can just, drop all of that in the company of animals and they understand you. They understand you. You form an understanding and rapport so easily.

And this whole thing with Laios is so explicit too, with the Winged Lion saying “You’re sick and tired of the human world”. Notice the choice of words. Sick and tired of the human world. Exhausted from the constraints, sick of the mind games. It really isn’t as much about loving monsters as it is about loving the nonhuman. Relating to them because you feel that you can actually understand how they work and think, and feeling like they could understand you back as well. Animals are safe.

Like I could go on about how Laios admiring even just demi-humans like orcs is because they’re socially seen as non-humans more than any true physical thing, that they’re not bound by human society and its rules and live with their own lifestyle. But it would deal myself 1000 points of psychic damage and I am not ready to cry today. It’s idealization 100%, and like, Laios DOES want to be treated as human, to be valued, but it feels like an unreachable thing meanwhile becoming a monster is instant gratification and freedom and a sense that now no one will be able to hurt you in a way that reaches you, never again shall you be defenseless, and then if people dehumanize you then that only strengthens your sense of identity as a monster and UGHH ugh ugh.

And like. This post is a mess at this point but if you want to kinda delve into the more “why” then I recommend this Patricia Taxxon video essay. It starts out on a very different topic, but it’s all about autism and finding comfort in the inhuman. Long story short is othering made us like this also animals are just simpler to intuitively get along with.

So when I post this

I mean it. I really mean it when I say he’s me. I have never felt so seen. So many conflicting emotions all wrapped so concisely yet so intangibly woven into the whole storyline so subtly. 

Not being depicted as a monster of an human being for feeling/having felt that way?? The manga understands you. The world can understand you. Other humans can understand you. You can bond with them. You can. And I think that’s a big part of Dungeon Meshi too- Laios opening up to others about how he really is and his interests, and all the bumps on the way but how it was the only way to truly get to know each other and bond. With the climax being Laios confronting head on his complex with monsters and humans, and his monster-loving side and animalistic side being exactly what saves the whole world, what saves humanity. Because Laios does value his friends, does think humanity has beautiful sides to it, he wants to help it thrive and eat and become more accepting, carving out a kingdom for misfits and demi-humans. At the end of it, transforming into a monster and being free is a daydream fantasy, and the reality of it is that Laios does belong in the world as he is, and does receive and give out love.

If you enjoyed this you’ll probably like some of my other Laios analysis!  Here’s an analysis of his succubus and what it says about his relationships with other humans. And here’s an analysis about his relationship with Shuro from his perspective.

[gin-juice-tonic]

Not to get too into it, because to be honest I don't enjoy thinking about the bill book, but what with the panel being tomorrow/today it's on my mind right now anyway. So lets get a teensy bit into it.

The subject at hand: The giant back and forth block quote dialogues in the missing journal pages section.

I think we can all admit that's weird. To call it "significantly weird" would likely be a matter of disagreement, but it's definitely weird. Ford didn't write like that in J3.

But the thing about it is... It's not just weird in a vacuum.

It's weird and also paired with the context of the last however many pages before the journal ones having been essentially Bill's memoirs/biography/whatever.

Bill has been talking our ears off about himself for an entire book, and suddenly we get to these journal pages where it is for some reason of the utmost importance to quote every bit of dialogue Bill is delivering. It takes up several entire pages, over and over again. None of that was something that could've been paraphrased or otherwise condensed in some way?

While it is true that Ford had a lot of reverence for Bill pre-betrayal, I don't think it went so far as for him to feel he must record every word Bill said to him like this. (And continue to do so post betrayal as well?) Within Journal 3 proper, we don't even get a single quote in general from Bill until Ford details his time in the nightmare realm after his return.

I don't think Ford thought the journals needed all these direct quotes of Bill's in them. I think Bill does.

I think Bill's been screaming "pay attention to me!" for an entire book, and now you're gonna have to sit through his full set of remarks in these journal pages, because his thoughts and ideas and words are just that important. So important that he needed to insert them where they were never actually written down.

It could be that he genuinely said some of it, and wanted you, the reader, to 1) know that he said it and 2) know exactly how he said it. Some of it might be things he said but paraphrased or edited in that sort of "And then I said [xyz]" way people do when they tell stories. And maybe some of it he's just completely made up. I think there's probably a mix/assortment of all of these going on. But regardless of what of it is true and what isnt, I don't think any of it was ever in the journals.

.

Though I do admittedly have a stance on one "quote", and it's that Bill supposedly being the one who first said "Trust no one" has real "Yeah, I taught him that" energy. Like oh, I'm sorry. Ford's famous quote was actually yours first, Bill? The big quote central to the big mystery element of Gravity Falls and heavily affecting the attitude of the main character was one you came up with, not Ford? Sure, pal.

[eldritch-spouse]

HI AGAIN. Ever since I found your blog and also sent a totally normal ramble abt cannibalism I've been just. Gently tossing your guys back and forth in my head. You're a wonderful writer and I'm always excited to see you on my dash!!

Gonna throw my hat in as asking an actual question- How would your guys fare if their obsession had a particularly weird or morbid interest? I get the vibes that some of them would most certainly encourage it but I also feel like Vinnel would hit me with a hammer if I panic infodumped about ebola-

[Hellow, glad to see you again! Also, I know you probably just forgot, but "your guys" encompasses way too many characters to talk about at once, so I'll assume you were going for TCE staff.]

Morell especially likes hearing about your cannibalism infodumps. They're actually useful to him, since he's going to be living with you, and he needs to know what he can and can't feed you, as well as a possible child between you. It's actually interesting stuff, he'd like it if you talked about it to his family too, you're a smart piggy. Any other topics are usually met with less enthusiasm (unless kitchen/food related), and he'll ask you to quit it if you start talking too much about mushrooms. Overall, it's nice background noise to work to.

Patches is all about infodumping. In fact, you're subjected to it often too, even if he doesn't always stop to explain basic concepts you'd need to understand his rambling. He'll give you a recorder he has, so he can keep the sound of that boundless enthusiasm in your voice forever. He's much more participative than the others, asking various questions and tossing random scenarios at you that'll prompt you to learn even more. There's a potential he'll get distracted and stop working to just research this with you the whole day.

Gallon loves a weirdo -No offense- Feel free to dump all that morbidity on him, he soaks it up like a sponge (so does Martin, be careful). Although he prefers to let you speak unhindered, only egging you on when it seems you're getting passionately angry about things, there's a chance Gallon may begin his own little tidbit sharing regarding a variety of poisons and toxins. He's selective with what he lets slip, but figures it could interest you.

Santi likes listening to you. Doesn't matter what it's about. There's only one thing he doesn't want you to morbidly talk to him about, anything featuring kids. Other than that, you think a rant about the intricacies of cannibalism's effects will kill his mood? Hah, nice try. He usually doesn't have anything smart to say, but may actually pitch in with some first hand details if you mention something sexual and morbid.

Let's face it, this is going in one of Grimbly's eardrums and out the other. Unless, you can talk like you're in a true crime podcast, then he's all ears. Grimbly typically responds to these interests by bragging to others about how his Mommy's "so smart" and "cultured" and he learns so much with you! You should start a YouTube channel!

Nebul likes to hear what you think is morbid. He'll let you ramble when you've been good enough to earn his attention, or if it allows you to keep obeying him. He has his own morbidities to share with you, as a wraith who has seen the darkest parts of many a mind. Surely, you of all people would be fascinated to know how the brain reacts to very invasive types of trauma only some monsters can inflict...

Vinnel will use this to his advantage during shows. You're placed in dangerous games where the whole goal is for you to explain said morbid concepts to the audience while Vinnel or Jingles try to destabilize you so you'll fall into painful contraptions or get cut/bruised/undressed. Sometimes Vinnel pays attention to your infodumps, other times he openly doesn't, it's a coin toss.

Belo sincerely discourages you from seeking such dark information in your brain. A lesser's mind is like a canvas, and it shouldn't be furnished with such desolate knowledge... If your morbid interests somehow can shine a glimmer of positivity or utility, the angel will be a little more inclined to letting you keep pursuing these topics. Otherwise, Belo actively attempts to distract you.

Sybastian doesn't understand about 80% of what you're about to tell him, but he has all the time in the world to sit and listen to his favorite person spit words. He's not verbally communicative during these episodes, but he may clap depending on how impressive the information is, and he remembers things you say enough to sometimes present you with paraphernalia vaguely related to the topics of your morbid interests.

Fank-e is a good bet because he can add onto your information in real time, or correct small detail you may get them wrong. He's generally happy to give you links to more information sources and try to match your level of knowledge, uncaring of how dark the subject theme may be.

If there's one thing you can infodump to Krulu about, it would be diseases. Plagues and ailments of several types are his specialty, the chances of him imparting bits of knowledge you absolutely should not possess on this matter are high. Another thing you may infodump to him about is corvids. It gets him in very favorable moods, surprisingly.

[nonasuch]

Can I, in fact, get you started on Yesterday? That's the movie premised on everyone just forgetting everything about the Beatles one day right?

Yes, and it drove me nuts because that’s a great premise! But it was totally wasted in a way that I found extra frustrating, because they only needed to slightly reshuffle the existing pieces and give the love interest some kind of coherent characterization, and they just. did not do that.

So like. The premise of the movie is that Jack, the main character, is a struggling musician who gets hit by a car and knocked unconscious at the exact moment of a mysterious global blackout. When he wakes up in the hospital, he discovers that he is the only person on Earth who remembers the existence of the Beatles.

It takes him a bit to realize this: he quotes When I’m Sixty-Four to his best friend Ellie at the hospital and she just gives him a weird look. When he plays a bit of Yesterday while hanging out with friends, they all freak out about how good his new song is, and he realizes that something is Weird.

There’s a fun scene where he frantically googles Beatles-related terms and comes up empty. “Beatles” turns up bugs and cars. Ringo Starr? Never heard of him. We find out that the band Oasis never existed either, and over the course of the movie there are a few more disappearances thrown in as jokes: Coca-Cola, cigarettes, and Harry Potter have also ceased to exist, or never were.

So Jack, who knows most of the Beatles catalogue by heart, and is a decent musician, decides to re-record them. And they’re instant hits, and he starts getting money and fame and record deals thrown at him, and hanging out with Ed Sheeran (played by Ed Sheeran), and going on talk shows and so on. The movie rapidly turns into a parable about the cost of fame, not letting success change you, remembering what’s more important than money and power, etc etc.

It’s just like. kind of lazy about it? and the romance plot feels both incoherent and slapdash, because Ellie has no personality and no comprehensible motivations.

Like, she’s been Jack’s music manager since they were teenagers, and she’s been convinced he was destined for greatness since she saw him play Wonderwall at a school talent show, but she also is weirdly convinced that she’s not good enough for him even before he becomes super famous. But Jack never actually stops being into her, even at the Peak Hubris part of the plot, and he eventually gives it all up and tells the world he didn’t write any of the songs as part of a big dramatic love confession. Except it’s never really clear what was holding either of them back in the first place, or why a dramatic love confession was even necessary.

So, here is how I would fix the movie.

First, the romance plot feels super tacked on anyway so let’s just resolve it earlier and give the poor girl an actual job in the plot. I’d have Jack sit Ellie down fairly early, after he’s released the first few songs and they’ve blown up but before the Fame Spiral starts, and say:

okay. look. I know this sounds nuts but either that accident caused the most specific brain damage in the history of the world, or I remember a different version of reality than everyone else, because I did not write these songs. I just remember them, and no one else does.

And the movie did actually set up a way for him to prove this, but they never used it! for some fucking reason! Because Wonderwall is the song that convinced Ellie that Jack was destined for musical greatness, and Wonderwall has also been erased. Which creates an opportunity, which the movie did not take, for a really effective scene where Jack asks Ellie what song he sang at the talent show. And she can’t answer him, which freaks her out because that’s a core memory! Thats the reason she’s so devoted to Jack in the first place!

So he starts playing her the song. And she knows she’s never heard it before, but she also knows that on some level, she recognizes it.

So from that point onwards, Ellie and Jack can be in cahoots, sharing the secret, which allows the romance to develop a lot more effectively and convincingly, and puts Ellie in a better position to talk Jack down from Fame Hubris, and allows Jack to remind Ellie that he’s not actually too good or too famous for her, because she knows he’s actually just the beneficiary of a deeply weird cosmic accident.

Also, there’s a better way to resolve the romance plot. Ellie has bafflingly low self-esteem, for reasons that are never explained, so like. please explain that, movie. But since half the romance plot is just Ellie going “I’m not good enough for you!” I do have a better resolution than what the movie did.

The only Big Dramatic Gesture Jack does comes at the very end of the movie, and it’s boring and doesn’t actually have anything much to do with Ellie — he already hates being famous by then, he wants out regardless. He needs a gesture that’s actually about Ellie, and allows them to be together and in cahoots again for the rest of the Price of Fame plot.

Which, again, the movie laid the groundwork for at the beginning, and never used.

I’d have Jack tell Ellie that he knows — is baffled by? but knows — that she thinks she ought to leave him for his own good, and that she thinks his music career is more important than her. To prove it’s not, he’s going to give her a song. A Beatles song he’s never going to record, never going to play, for anyone but her. A song that used to be one of the most famous songs in the world, but is only ever going to be theirs, hers and his, from now on.

He plays her When I’m Sixty-Four.

That does the trick: they’re together through the rest of the movie, and decide how to get Jack out of the Fame Trap together, and retire into happy obscurity together.

There is one other optional change, but it would require buy-in from Paul McCartney.

There’s already a scene in the movie — one of the best bits of the whole thing, honestly — where Jack meets an elderly John Lennon, who has never been famous and is perfectly content with his life. I think a nice epilogue would have Jack track down Paul, and find him in his back garden, planting flowers and beatifically happy.

After a short conversation in which Paul appears to have no memory of ever ever having been a Beatle, Jack leaves Paul to enjoy his retirement.

After he’s gone, as the camera pulls away and the movie ends, Paul starts to whistle When I’m Sixty-Four to himself.

[zahri-melitor]

Thinking about my views on canonicity again, and hmm. It's not that I want everything I interact with to be canon-thumpingly rigid, even though I guess I give that impression on occasion. Besides, characterisation in comics is a sliding spectrum and can vary within a range from writer to writer.

I think my main views on characterisation and storytelling is that I want to recognise the characters and scenario. I should be able to look from the canon material to fan creations and be able to see the connection. If I can't recognise the characters that I love, why am I bothering?

It's what occasionally leads to my comments about some comics writers (that they've been imagining this story and this character in their head for so long that what they're writing does not contain the connective tissue getting the story and characterisation from A to B). Sometimes you have to take a few steps back and show your work, if you want people to be able to follow your story.

I prefer when reading to engage with stories written by people who have in fact consumed parts of the canon, because they know the material they're working with, and they're simply less likely to be iterating the same story over and over. I'd rather have a photo someone took themselves, from a bridge, that's a bit blurry or with weird composition, than a duplicate of a famous picture that has been downloaded and saved in a compressed file format and printed out and a photo of that printout taken sitting on a bedspread and then scanned back in and sent to me by email at a too small file size so that it's now blurry, pixellated and distorted. Particularly when it's in reaction to or a reinterpretation of an actual canon event. Because every layer of 'I based this on someone else's writing' that you get away from having looked at it personally and in context, the less I feel the writer has to say on the original topic and the more it is a reaction to the subgenre of fanworks in itself.

And that can be interesting! But it's often the difference between "I have read 16 different recorded variations on the fairy tale of Rapunzel collected over time" and "I have read 16 different novelised versions of the Disney movie Tangled written for toddler bedtime".

(I have in fact read 16 different variations of Tangled stories at toddler bedtime and sometimes I would like to read a variant from a completely different tradition for some variety. And depth)

Or let's take Frozen. It's an adaption of The Snow Queen. But someone who is looking for a story about the Snow Queen is probably not that interested in a story based around Olaf, the talking snowman. And if what you're doing is hanging out making Olaf retell the plot of other Disney movies in charades, then that's both valid fan material and not really related to the Snow Queen except in the most tangential manner, even if all your friends also like doing that.

You don't have to know everything. Goodness knows I screw up and miss things and forget things as well, and have times when I set things very specifically in a particular run ignoring earlier or later material. But I find that stories are more interesting and have more to say on the topic when the writer has a broad and/or deep understanding of the subject, rather than a casual one.

[bawbawbridgie]

the 'palace' scene

i have been WAITING to talk about this scene and it has finally come to it. this will be my last post in terms of the changes because i believe i have gone through them all (could be wrong).

instead of writing the whole scene (because that would make this post even longer), i decided to include an audio recording from the current broadway version (Joel Meyers & Erik Christopher Peterson 2024) and the original script. i recommend listening to it while reading the original script before reading the rest of this post.

alrighty, time to go into my thoughts. 

essentially, this scene has gone from a cute little moment between two besties having a lighthearted chat about their feelings for girls, to now a very intimate and quite emotionally vulnerable scene between them. 

removal of love interests: 

rose and scorpius’ dynamic is strictly friendship now with him only asking to be friends in which she still says no. that is a self explanatory change which results in no evidence of scorpius having romantic feelings for her. along with this, polly, another female love interest, is completely removed from this conversation. this takes away pretty much EVERY interaction scorpius has with a female interest in a ‘romantic’ way. 

now with albus; thank god no random mention of the older female professor ew. and no albus getting a girlfriend first. coincidently also removing all the lines referring to him having romantic feelings for female characters. without the statement of liking older women, it removes he emphasis on albus romantically having feeling for delphi in which we know was also changed in the scene with ginny and albus. 

now what does this do to the narrative and perception of these characters? when you remove the female love interests in this situation, it leaves a gap in the story. the gap being who do these characters now actually love?? and since this play is pretty much about ‘love can conquer all’, WHO ELSE ARE THEY MEANT TO PUT THESE FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO OTHER THAN EACH OTHER???? you cannot deny that all these changes made are for the benefit of this relationship and puts a lot more emphasis on them and what they mean to each other. 

slight word changes: 

“marriage” to “allegiance” again relates to the removal of scorpius’ romantic feelings for female characters, completely taking away this whole part of the plot for him. like all he wants is to form a friendship with rose! platonic friends is what they are now. 

again removing “love” and changing it to “harmony” takes away the romantic feelings and just creates a nice friendship. but i do think its sooooo funny that they changed “love” to “harmony” because THAT would’ve been too far for them. as albus wants that palace with scorpius, having “love” would be confirming that they love each other. that can absolutely not happen. but aren’t they just kinda synonyms or am i stupid. also it wouldn’t be that controversial because they already used “love” as albus’ weakness WITH SCORPIUS IN THAT SCENE soooo… the creatives were just too scared to leave it the same. 

we also have the whole ‘in my head’ but we have gone through it in a previous post (https://www.tumblr.com/bawbawbridgie/748173064391557120/since-you-guys-were-begging-me-to-write-about-it?source=share). 

rose’s line is now changed to “if YOU TWO let it be weird”… WHY WOULD IT BE WEIRD???? firstly, he was only asking to be friends. and secondly, why would it be weird for albus? my boy didn’t do anything? it’s almost as if rose is implying something else? perhaps her finding out that something else is going on between them? mhmmm idk. reminder that rose is quite literally on the stage listening to this whole convo.

THAT line: 

i have so many thoughts on this line and what albus is getting at. is this albus’ way of admitting he has feelings for scorpius? is it albus ‘subtly’ trying to understand how his best friend feels about him by pushing the limits of their friendship and see how he’d react? is he asking him out? is he saying he loves him in his own way as he struggles with feelings? orrrr is it simply albus just asking him if rose, his cousin, is actually the one scorpius, his bestie, wants? this line is definitely up to how you all perceive it. for me, i personally feel it’s albus attempting to address delphi outing him because they never really expand on that moment, as well as attempting to push the boundaries of this friendship to see if scorpius wants more than this as well. 

i also find it amusing that albus says this after scorpius expresses he only wants “harmony” and an “eventual alligence” with rose. like scorpius hasn’t actually shown any romantic interest in rose so this means albus doesn’t even want him talking to her. god he’s obsessed with him. 

rose’s input: 

THANK GOD FOR THE REMOVAL OF “SCORPION KING” COZ HOW DID SHE KNOW???? whatever moving on. her cute little line, “you good albus?” eeeeee i love her new role in this scene. she is just looking out for the happiness of her cousin in which i assume she knows about the two of them being more than besties. fr she is also a big scorbus shipper by the end of the play and we love her for that. 

why tf did the creatives do this?:

ughhhhh i do not know. i guess this was the closest they could get without actually confirming they are together?? idk. i do find it amusing to think about the creatives trying to rewrite this scene and how proud they would’ve been when they created this line. kudos to you jack thorne and john tiffany. but in general with the changes, i have so many thoughts and theories about why/when/how they did this which i would love to dive into but it deserves a whole post dedicated to itself.

but i think at the end of this scene/play, this relationship is open ended like there is no definite answer of what they are and can be interpreted however you’d like. and i genuinely really like this, it’s somehow comforting. one question that i still ask myself (which could be quite problematic but here we go) is: are they actually canon? i have so many thoughts about this and could definitely do a seperate post but put simply… sadly no. PLEASE DONT HATE ME I WANT THEM TO BE CANON BUT I CANNOT 100% SAY THEY ARE!!!! and i have my reasons… but that’s a whole different issue.

although we would all like a CLEAR confession/answer (to get us out of our misery), but they are only 14/15 and finding themselves so who knows, maybe at dinner they worked out what they are but i guess we will never know?? ok bye sorry for all that xx

[technicolorfamiliar]

D O U B L E F E A T U R E !

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari Dir. Robert Weine 1920 // Orlacs Hände (The Hands of Orlac) Dir. Robert Wiene 1924

I recently watched both, Caligari specifically because I was invited on a friend's podcast to talk about the film (I was totally normal about it and definitely didn't make color coded note cards about the making of the movie… I did, I did make color coded note cards). So I figured I would lump these two in one post to switch things up.

--- Even though we talked about the movie for an hour and change, the conversation we recorded for the pod easily could have gone longer. There's so much to unpack about The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Between its historical, cinematic, artistic, and cultural significance and legacy, but also the various players on and off camera, not to mention the film's genesis from concept to page to screen -- there's no shortage of rabbit holes to go down.

Something I wish I had brought up during the recording was the score: The score matters! These updated silent film scores really do affect the viewer experience, and they're so often hit or miss. Of course, the original score for Caligari has been lost to time, but I read that the premier of in New York had classical music (Prokofiev, Stravinsky, etc) played along to the screening; part of me thinks this would be fun to try to recreate. I have no memory of the music when I first saw the film in 2009, but when I rewatched Caligari about a year ago, early in my Conrad Veidt journey, I chose a version on Internet Archive (which is, as of late October, sadly still out of commission *cries in nerd*) and the updated score was almost entirely minimal strings, which created a suitably eerie effect. I couldn't find that exact version elsewhere, so I this time opted for the 2014 restoration that's on Kanopy. The 2014 score is… fine. It’s very busy, trying too hard to sound like a traditional movie soundtrack. There's another version with a really painfully bad guitar-heavy score that I couldn't sit through even 5 minutes of, and still another that's entirely synths. Apparently the new 4K UHD/Blu-Ray that was just released has two new options for the score -- hopefully at least one of them doesn't totally suck!

I noticed deep into my third time viewing the film that I hadn't reached for my phone once. These days, I'll occasionally pick it up and mindlessly scroll through social media while watching a movie. But I think Caligari and a few other silent films require closer attention since they're a purely visual medium. I found myself greedily devouring every frame of Caligari. No shot or scene feels wasted. Honestly, I feel like every movie should be 90 minutes long or less. Anything longer should be turned into a miniseries. But in all seriousness, Caligari is another film I want to physically walk into. It would be pretty easy to recreate these sets, life size in grayscale black and white. The more I think about this, the more I need it. So, so bad.

I also came away this time with a lot of questions, mostly about the main part of the narrative, the story Franzis is telling. But the framing device makes the questions pointless. If the main story is just Franzis's delusion, then the absurdity of the script is totally fine I guess? Except the script that Hans Janowitz and Carl Mayer wrote didn't have Franzis as a patient at the asylum, they hated the framing story twist that was forced on their movie, so all those weird parts of the script and character choices that I'm overthinking and reading too much into are rendered meaningless. It's all in Franzis's head! The story and the characters in it don't matter! Or else are just part of his subconscious! Face palm. Eye roll.

Does the movie even work without the framing device? It would be interesting to show an edited version of the movie without the first and last scenes to someone who's never seen it. And if the twist ending was supposed to dumb down the anti-authoritarian message of the script, I don't know that it's successful. In the end, I still have empathy for Franzis. And we still have an ambiguous ending: Caligari/The Asylum Director looks at Mad Franzis and says, "I know just how to cure him," and there's a creepy iris wipe in on Werner Krauss's face that maybe leads us to think Franzis isn't as delusional as we think he is. So like… even if the whole Dr. Caligari with his sleepy twink in a box story is fake, whatever is happening at the asylum is probably just as messed up if not worse.

Speaking of the twink in a box, I love that Conrad Veidt's German Expressionism is totally different from Werner Krauss's German Expressionism. They both trained and performed with Max Reinhardt, so their foundations as theater actors in the 1910s and 1920s were likely similar. But, regardless or in spite of that shared experience, they are diametrically different human beings and that comes across in their performances in this movie. These two actors are like the textbook definition of "showing" your art vs. "being" your art. Krauss as Caligari is like "ooOOOoo look how ooky spooky and evil I am!", whereas Connie's performance as Cesare, even though it's hyper-stylized, is infused with something deeper, something primal that feels believable in the context of the film.

If Cesare has been asleep his whole life, waking only to be fed Chunky Campbell's Soup and commit murder at Caligari's bidding, then no wonder he reacts the way he does when sleeping Jane finally brings him out of his trance. When she freaks out, he freaks out too because he's had no opportunity to learn how to behave like a human or how to filter his primal emotions in a socially acceptable way. He hasn't lived his life except to be a madman's puppet. He reacts to Jane's panic on instinct and impulse, his desire and fear feel feral, like he's more creature or an animal than a human man. He may not actually want to hurt Jane, but he reacts violently because fight or flight is a basic human stress response! He runs away and eventually collapses because his body can't handle the sudden onslaught of stress and emotion he's never before experienced! And this internal, instinctual tendency to violence is subtly alluded to in the final scene when Asylum Cesare both caresses and slowly picks apart the flowers he's holding. Ahhhhh, I have so many FEELINGS.

And that said… Connie's performance here is wild, but it's real in a way that Werner Krauss's work could never be because Connie was a spiritual humanist who cared deeply for others and Krauss was an anti-semitic piece of shit who therefore could NEVER dig deep enough into his soul or into the collective unconscious the way Connie did to breathe life into his characters. So everything Krauss is doing here and in The Student of Prague is all surface, it's "showing" the audience his training and his actor toolbox rather than bringing a level of honesty and in-the-moment groundedness to these roles.

This is not to say Connie's intense commitment to his work couldn't be, uh, excessive. I really hope Lil Dagover was being serious when she said he would lurk around the studio in character when off camera. Can you imagine? You go up to the craft services table for a snack. Suddenly you feel like you're being watched. You look up and he's looming over you in the shadows, his unblinking glazed eyes boring into your soul. God, I hope this happened and I hope whoever it happened to peed themselves a little.

I also wish we had a behind the scenes photo of Connie in costume with the Cesare dummy. I can't believe someone actually had to make that prop. It'll haunt me forever. (The 1920 Cesare Dummy isn't real, the 1920 Cesare Dummy can't hurt me.)

Bottom line: It's an important film, I appreciate it for both its timelessness and timefullness. But it's not a movie I need to revisit often, regardless of how enchanting Connie's nostril acting may be.

---

The first time I watched The Hands of Orlac, I was floored by the visuals, the staging, and the heavy eroticism. Up until that point, I hadn't seen very many silent films, certainly few as visually striking. I think my initial impressions of this film were somewhat muted on a second watch, but that may just because I knew what to expect.

This time, I wasn't as swept up in the magic of silent era German Expressionist cinema, although stylistically I'm still absolutely 100% obsessed. Art direction wise, this is my favorite between the surviving Wiene-Veidt films (I haven't seen Furcht and I don’t plan to). Orlac is like the darker, sexier, more grown up sister to Caligari's mall goth teen. It's Vampira vs Lydia Deetz.

Orlac is just as much if not more of a cinematic feat than Caligari. The production design and art direction alone feels more mature and in itself tells more of a story.

Very early in the film, we're thrown into a very impressive, very realistic train crash. Opening the movie this way was a really interesting choice -- we don't get to meet the characters before the accident that starts Paul and Yvonne Orlac on their doomed and bizarre trajectory. There is a brief establishing scene of Yvonne reading a really horny letter from her husband, and one of pianist Paul at his final concert before returning home. Then there's a very long sequence of the aftermath of the train crash that almost kills Paul, and this scene brings a level of realism you don't really get in other films of this genre/done in this style. The set construction looks expensive; the mangled train cars piled up in heaps may have been fabricated in the studio, but because of the lighting in the night scene, the billowing smoke from passing locomotives and fires from the crash, it looks pretty damn real for 1924. It's extremely effective and harrowing, especially as Yvonne races to the site of the crash and climbs through the wreckage to try to find her husband. The chaos of the scene, made all the more disorienting by the movement of search lights and the haze of smoke and steam, feels true to life. People are running around, pulling bodies from the ruined train cars, carrying them away on stretchers. Survivors look around dazed, clutching their belongings in shock. It's such a well directed moment in the film, but maybe not the first thing people remember about it. And I think it's inclusion is important because it offsets how weird the movie's about to get.

And boy, does it get weird. However, the doctor does say Paul suffered a skull fracture, so it's not a huge stretch to think he also has some kind of brain injury. So I wonder if that has something to do with how the filmmakers chose to show Paul's intense fear and paranoia, as well as the movie's shift in tone and style after his accident. The nightmarishness of the film, from the exaggerated performances to the set design, feels like an extension of whatever might be going on in Paul's head as a result of his injury.

Regardless, I love the choices the art director made. The set, especially the Art Deco mausoleum the Orlacs have for a home, is so perfect. The huge, cavernous rooms are completely unnecessary, but they make the characters look and feel so helpless, like dolls in a doll house. The lines of the walls and the furnishings draw the eye through the frame with just as much intention as the painted sets of Caligari. Even places outside their house become symbolic and iconographic. The news stand is just a window cut out of a massive wall of loose sheets of newspaper that takes up the entire frame. The interior of Orlac Sr.'s house is like a old, drafty castle, looking more like the home of an evil, miserly king. The tavern where Paul is confronted by Nera feels dank and subterranean, just a lamp or two removed from literal catacombs. The outer world is fully a reflection of poor Paul Orlac's inner torment and despair and I AM LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

The new music composed by Paul Mercer is perfect, too. It's all skronky violins and cellos, ominous percussion and piano. It's just atmospheric enough, creating moments of soundscapes, echoing footsteps, aural suggestions of the oppressive cave-like rooms where the story unfolds. There aren't really any memorable themes like in the updated score for The Student of Prague, but that works for this movie. I would buy this soundtrack and actually listen to it on its own, it's that good.

Everyone in the ensemble is basically on the same page in terms of acting style, no one feels out of place or miscast. Connie of course steals the show, but Alexandra Sorina as Yvonne gives him a run for his money. She's a good match for him, delivering an appropriately desperate and hysterical (and deeply, deeply horny) performance as the touch-starved wife. Their scenes together are maybe some of the best on screen romantic moments of Connie's silent film work because these two are wildly hungry for each other. This movie is so funny, it tells you immediately how horny it is; in the first 30 seconds of the movie, Yvonne gets a letter from Paul that says, "I will feel your body beneath my hands," like they're telling you straight up this is going to Horn Town. And the way she grabs at him, presses her open mouth to him, hovers over him in his hospital bed, she is DTF anywhere any time. And no shame, no shade, good for her. This is a sex positive film, and we love to see it. But she's not just the sexy wife, she's also totally ride or die for Paul. She truly trusts him and believes his absolutely buck wild story about being blackmailed by a dead psycho killer. What a gal.

Then there's Paul, aka Eraserhead Baby… because when he wakes up from surgery covered in bandages, he looks like the Eraserhead Baby. Connie is doing some of his finest nostril acting in this role, I have to say. As always, I am fascinated by his physicality and the choices he's making with movement and gesture. When his bandages are finally removed, he reacts as though drugged, his movements slow as though underwater or in a dream. And when he confronts his surgeon after discovering the original owner of his newly transplanted hands, he holds them out and away from his body as if they were coated in something dirty or disgusting. As Paul's life and sanity unravel, his hands and fingers are in almost constant motion, curling, twitching, clutching; his body language becomes more creature-like, moving in a way that calls up Cesare the sleepwalker -- interestingly, the two characters both seemingly at the mercy of forces outside their control.

We don’t get to know what Paul was like before the accident, how much this traumatic event changed him. There's something this movie is trying to say about trauma and how it affects people. The doctor tells Paul, "Nature and a strong will can overcome anything." But if Paul sustained any kind of serious brain damage, who’s to say his personality wasn't affected, or that he wasn't fragile and suggestible to begin with? Either way, in the wake of the accident, Paul's vulnerability and circumstance makes him a perfect target for Nera's grift.

Even without being targeted by a sick weirdo con artist, it's no wonder Paul's really going through it. He tortures and punishes himself relentlessly for something that wasn't his fault! (Been there.) He puts on a recording of one of his old concerts and crumples in grief for having lost not only his livelihood but also his outlet for creative expression -- not being able to do what you used to creatively because of trauma is REAL. He's trapped in his misery. Even his handwriting is different, now a violent scrawl he imagines is due to the murderous acts his hands supposedly committed. He secretly retrieves the planted murder weapon in order to further convince himself he's somehow become evil, wielding it as through he committed the crimes of the dead man whose hands now belong to him. And the scenes where Yvonne comes to him, wanting to both devour and comfort him, he cannot bring himself to touch her. Clearly they love each other very much and their relationship was very physical, so the agony and yearning in his face when she embraces him is UGH IT'S SO GOOD. It's heartbreaking. There's a lot to unravel here about trauma, body dysmorphia, and intimacy that I'm interested to dig into during subsequent viewings.

Final thoughts: There's an annoying part of my brain that wants the movie to make sense, for the timeline to be clearer, for loose ends to be tied up. But I know that none of that really matters because this movie is better received as a dream or a nightmare. And by that logic, it doesn't have to make sense. The Expressionist beats are being hit particularly hard, but the surreal quality allows the filmmakers and cast to get away with it. For fans of Conrad Veidt, this is a must-watch, even before Caligari -- he gets more screen time in this film, gets to play with his silent film artist's palette, and gets to do pathos like he's the king of tragic, pathetic characters. He's gangly, glassy-eyed, and trembling like a small wet dog the whole time and it's superb. Despite not really getting a chance to know the Orlacs before they're thrown into their own personal hell of body horror and credit debt, they're both pretty sympathetic. From psychological commentary to the erotic visuals and tension, it's all very ahead of its time.

[ziploc849]

Alright I’m back on my TMA bullshit welcome to the circus. This is a long with many episodes worth of thoughts so strap in

62. Holy FUCK. Mary fucking Keay is here and she’s killing people and putting their skin in a book to. Summon them again??? I have truly no understanding of the implications of this but what the hell man. Also Gertrude is either fucking crazy or knew waaaay more than we do (or both. Both is a solid option at this point) cuz she took everything very well. Also when asked who the book was from, Keay just said “The End”??? Like fucking Minecraft???? Idk what the hell this lady is talking about.

(Also I feel like I recognize the idea of a “The *blank*” in this series. I can’t remember if we’ve seen it before or if I’ve just collected some knowledge after being on the outskirts of the fandom for so long but. Whatever it is it’s fucked and I’m intrigued)

63 What is up with this fucking architect guy what is his deal???? Why does he keep building fucked up places where fucked up things happen??? Also weird that the people in the church seem to know/want to cover up something is odd. Also also the end with Melanie King coming back was an interesting lil thing, of all the characters I expected to be recurring I was not expecting her. Don’t like that she got saddled with Not-Sasha though, hopefully it’s nothing or there are at least other witnesses to her leaving cause otherwise she might not be as recurring anymore. Idk what Not-Sasha’s deal is but I Do Not like it

64. ARCHAEOLOGY MENTION FUCK YEAH. I could honestly go on a whole rant about just how much I dislike Gwynne based on her ideals when it comes to archaeology, as someone who wants to be in the field myself, but I digress. I am curious about the fact that this is someone clearly long dead who still was conscious in some capacity? Clearly they didn’t want to continue as they were. It sounds sort of similar to something one of the officers mentioned in an episode they were giving statements (can’t remember which). One of them mentioned being called to a scene where someone who seemed like they should’ve been dead from a suicide attempt kept trying to reach for the gun. The moment where the skeleton was trying to stab themself in the chest gave me a very similar vibe in the worst possible way.

65. I am following maybe 3 of the words this woman is saying in the first 7 or so minutes. But also the stuff she mentions with the man eating the computer is so unbelievably unsettling, and the stuff he was saying is fascinating. “The maze is sharp on my mind. The angles cut me when I try to think” especially reminds me of all the variations of endless mazes or places we’ve seen in the show so far. Jon reaching out to specifically tech savvy people is also super smart, and it’s sick that he has access to Gertrude’s laptop now. Tim and Jon fighting felt like listening to parents fighting. Im glad Jon is both getting a stern talking to and Tim is getting some sort of understanding of where Jon’s coming from. The fact that they both mention they can’t quit/can’t fire the other is interesting especially. I know stuff like that has been mentioned before, I’m pretty sure after the first encounter with the worms Martin mentioned something about “why don’t I quit?” But regardless it’s just another weird fuckin thing going on

66. Mikael fucking Salesa, what is your problem. I honestly don’t have a lot to say about this episode, definitely another example of weird extradimensional spaces, and some mentions of the weird, unexplainable heat, but also the way he mentioned the box “punishing him” as if it was a living thing was interesting. I also have a lot of thoughts on the stuff mentioned about Gertrude, and I’m really fascinated by all the stuff Jon mentioned about stopping asking about who killed her and focusing more on the why. As we’ve actually gotten to hear some of her recordings, esp the one with Mary Keay where she’s incredibly nonchalant about the murder and skin book, I think it’s an interesting idea that she may have been more suspicious that we thought.

Finally I think her lil shopping list was interesting, but honestly it’s the more mundane stuff rather than the Leitners that interest me, but I’ll probably make a seperate post about that cause it kinda rolls into a theory I’ve been sitting on for a little bit now

[watercolor-hearts]

Motorsport-Focused Heartbeat Prompts

Special thanks to @fredwardart for helping me with some prompt ideas and to @wolfsbanesbite for making me realize I could try and make a list like this for motorsport fandoms to help create more heart-related stories. ❤

Not all of these are racing-related because I tried to add some prompts that can be good for when they aren’t racing.

Dear MotoGP fans, feel free to change ‘driver’ to ‘rider’ and use these prompts. Also, feel free to make any changes (like wording, pet name used, changing driver to trainer, things like that) if you need it for the prompt to fit the story better/be more in character.

And if you write for any of these prompts, please don’t forget to tag me/send me the story because I’d love to read it. 😊 (But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s optional.)

General heart-related dialogue prompts

1. “When I grabbed your hand on the podium I could feel how your pulse was racing.”

2. “Your fireproofs are so tight I can see your heart beating in your chest.”

3. “Checking your pulse won’t make it go any slower. Breathe, relax, and get into the zone.”

4. “Take a deep breath and focus. Your heart is more responsive than you think.”

5. “I’ve never met a driver with a slower/quicker heart rate than you.”

6. “Why do you keep checking my pulse?” “Because… Because of that crash. I just need to remind myself that you’re alive.”

7. “Does my heart feel weird to you? It keeps doing this after races.”

8. “I was feeling so shit I just wanted to bring the car home and then curl up on your chest and fall asleep to your heartbeat and breathing.”

9. “Can you check my pulse? I… I don’t feel too good.”

10. “Keep that pulse going for me. The medical car is almost here. Stay with me.”

Cardiophile dialogue prompts

11. “I found home in your heartbeat.”

12. “Your heartbeat is my favorite pre-race song.”

13. “I’ve recorded my heartbeat for you to help you fall asleep when we’re apart.”

14.  “When you come over to workout, bring your stethoscope, too. I want to try something.”

15. “Why is there a stethoscope in your wardrobe/suitcase?”

16. “I just want you to lay on my chest and talk about my heart.”

17. “My love, you look pale. Come sit down, I’ll take your blood pressure and listen to your heart.”

18. “I want you to make my heart race like it does when we’re racing each other on track.”

19. “I can feel your heart racing. You have no secrets anymore…”

20. “Put your hand around my neck and listen to my heart react to it.”

General heart-related scene prompts

21. Driver A being pale and feeling unwell after a session so Driver B checks their pulse, gets them some water, and takes care of them until they get better.

22. Driver A unintentionally feeling Driver A’s pulse/heartbeat.

23. Driver A feeling Driver B’s pulse/heartbeat on purpose.

24. Driver A experiencing a sudden blood pressure drop resulting in collapsing after a particularly hard race.

25. Driver A getting a panic attack after a crash and not being able to calm down because of their heart racing too fast and hard.

26. Rookie driver A being anxious before their first race so experienced Driver B teaches them a breathing technique that can ease the anxiety and slow down their heartbeat.

27. A heart rate monitor in a glove is less of a comfort when it detects a driver’s heart rate slowing after a crash. Especially when it starts to slow down too much.

Cardiophile scene prompts

28. Driver A and Driver B are training together, making a competition out of it to see who can reach a higher heart rate (and then who can get back to their resting heart rate quicker).

29. Driver A is waiting for the doctor to arrive and do the pre-season medical check-up but it’s Driver B who steps in after the door opens, in a white coat and with a stethoscope around their neck.

30. Driver A’s love for cardio is slowly starting to be picked up by Driver B.

31. It’s a well-known fact in the paddock that driver A is particularly good at being in touch with their heart. Driver B comes to them for advice on how to get to know theirs better.

32. Driver A catches a glimpse of Driver B’s carotid pulse being visibly fast while they’re chatting. “Is your heart always this fast or is it because of me?”

33. Driver A struggles to act normal during the pre-season medical check-up because of all the attention put on their heart. 

34. ‘The problem with a race suit is that there are too many layers between your hand and your heart.’ – Driver A runs to their driver’s room, unzipping their race suit and pulling up the fireproofs to be able to press their hand on their heart and find the comfort they need.

35. Driver A gets gifted a stethoscope by a fan, driver B notices it and insists on trying it.

36. Driver A surprises Driver B with a stethoscope after their first race/championship win because they knew they’d been dreaming of getting one but didn’t feel like they deserved it.

[cowboycannibalism]

just got out of a late showing of Talk To Me and I have thoughts!

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

so let's dive in while it's still fresh in my mind

Grief is a heavy player in this movie and that's what makes it so good. So much of what happens is because of Mia not being able to let go or face her grief. she's vulnerable to the spirits/demons/souls because she's lonely and sad and she's trying to find anything to make her feel.

The opening scene was absolutely amazing! it sets up how fucking crazy the movie is going to be. It brings us into the world where everything is for views, everyone is entertainment even when they're suffering. It's not the focus of the film but they way social media guides the story is interesting.

to add to the previous point, every time someone does the "game"/seance, the others whip out their phones with lightening speed. They laugh, they point their cameras at the possessed and scream and shout in joy regardless of what the possessed is doing. we see this in Daniel's first go which is a weird sexual possession that leaves him embarrassed and scared, whereas the group is laughing and recording. it's also what brings Mia to the hand in the first place, she keeps seeing the videos posted of people playing the game and having "fun"

I really liked the kangaroo scene because it was so jarring and the foreshadowing was just mwah. wonderful.

I will admit Mia got annoying because you want her to know that she should stop, but she won't. I was literally trying not to yell at the screen lol

on the other hand (ha hand), I get it. She was desperate, grief will do that to you, she just wanted answers and closure. And that can drive you mad.

The gore/violence in the movie was so good for a possession film! The Riley scene was intense and had the small amount of us in the theater squirming and yelling and gasping. And the limbo/purgatory scene although brief was not what I was expecting and it blew me away, it gave cronenbergian/yuzna's Society [1989] vibes.

the cast was very very good! Sophie Wilde played Mia with such an intensity and passion that drew me in even when I didn't care for her character's actions. And the supporting cast stood their own which was awesome because sometimes in horror those other characters can sometimes get pushed aside or fade into the background.

the sound design had me so tense! I swear I thought I was hearing things and not sure if it was me or the movie. We don't talk enough about sound when it comes to horror. It's honestly what really scares me, more than the actual scenes, it's the score that revs up my anxiety and fear.

All in all, the movie was really good! I'm not even a huge fan of possession horror but I was excited to see it and really glad that I did. I know it's been greenlit for a sequel which would be interesting depending on where they take the story but I'm definitely more interested in the prequel that they've already made!! I hope it gets picked up by A24 like the sequel is because I definitely would like to know more about the hand and mythology behind the "game".

Just to add on some more personal thoughts: It's interesting to me how often grief plays a role in horror. From Midsommar to Hereditary to The Babadook to classics like Pet Sematary, the list goes on. We are vulnerable when we're grieving, easier to let bad things in or ignore the people who love us who are trying to help. When I watch horror about grief, it gets to me more often than any others because I've known grief like a childhood friend. It's been with me my entire life. But I've learned to handle it better than I used to, and with movies like this it's a safe place for me to let it consume me, let it be messy and overwhelming like it is for the characters in the movie.

Anyways to wrap this up please go see Talk To Me! If you like possession movies you'll like it, if you like movies with deeper layers you'll like it, it feels like there's a little bit of everything to appeal to most horror fans.

[all-pacas]

Potentially stupid question, but when House punches Chase in S3 (Finding Judas I think?), did the other fellows find out? We see Wilson find out and presumably Cuddy would as well (hospital liability), but it wasn’t clear to me if Foreman and Cameron knew about the punch and I’m super curious how Cameron would have reacted and/or thought about it all.

And on that note, do you think it did much of anything to House and Chase’s (admittedly weird) relationship? Because it kind of feels like it should have and yet…didn’t? I’ve never been sure what to do with in but love reading your insights.

So first, the other fellows definitely knew: House punched Chase in the middle of a crowded lobby, so I assume the whole building knows, and in the next episode Chase is sporting a massive bruise and being unusually quiet in differentials. Wilson also mentions the punch to Cameron later, who doesn't act surprised. My guess is the rumors got around immediately, Chase probably confirmed when the others asked because he's mad and not in the mood to cover for House, and then Chase did his thing and brushed it off because talking? About his feelings?

As for how it changed House and Chase's relationship… I don't think it changed their relationship much, but I think it did definitely change Chase. In a real way, Finding Judas was a turning point for Chase. He spends half the episode being openly derided by Foreman and even Cameron, the entire hospital thinks he's a rat who is BFFs with Tritter, and he's done nothing wrong. He finds out that everyone, even his colleagues, think he has no moral character, that he's just a useless rich kissass. He solves the case, and gets punched by his mentor. Chase keeps looking for approval, and not only does he not get it, but everyone thinks he's pathetic.

CHASE: He nearly maimed a little girl. I got it right. And I told him, and it didn't matter.

It didn't matter. It's one thing to get picked on and called an ass-kisser (Foreman's been calling him that since season one) if in the end, you get proven right, you get respect from the person you want it from. But it didn't pay off. It didn't matter. Everyone thinks Chase is pathetic, even when he gets it right. Wilson tells him how pointless it is to wait for House's approval, and Chase says he's not waiting anymore.

And he… kind of doesn't. He still laughs at House's jokes (Chase actually finds him funny, this is genuine), but suddenly Chase is acting a lot more confident around the office: in Insensitive he comes up with a good idea the others give him credit for, in Half Wit Chase is suddenly okay with the risk of breaking into House's place and having sex in House's bed with only a "if I'm getting fired anyway…" shrug. He's uncomfortable with the hospital sex, but goes along. And sure, a lot of this is because he wants to get laid, but Chase's defining character trait from S1 was don't risk your job. He's suddenly pretty blasé! In Airborne he solves another case. In Act Your Age he ignores House's orders and goes home for the night. In the Foreman resignation drama, he gets annoyed and starts poking at House and Foreman, and let's not forget that when Chase gets fired in Human Error, it's after he barges into House's office and starts to lecture him on the Foreman situation.

Which, for the record, I don't think House was offended by. But Chase gets really assertive after the punch. He's making good calls, he isn't constantly covering his ass, he's being kind of defiant. He's not looking for House's approval. And ironically, I think House probably likes him more this way. House grins when Chase first calls him out on the Foreman situation, and is pleased in The Jerk when Chase does it again. And this trend, of course, continues into S4 and S5 and beyond. Chase isn't trying to impress House anymore, not in the same way. He's standing up for himself and it's working for him. And House in turn treats Chase just a little more like an equal.

Later seasons Chase still likes House a lot, laughs at his jokes, and tattles to him all the time, but he stops kissing his ass. He's less likely to defend House at face value, and far more likely to push back or even ignore House entirely and do what he thinks is right. He punches House and grins when he apologizes, unconcerned that it will get him fired. Chase stops being a lapdog, and I think it all goes back to that punch in Finding Judas.

[writeforfandoms]

Waking Lions 7

Find the series masterlist

Ace gets in over her head. Fortunately, Laswell knows someone who can help.

Warnings: Blood, injury (relatively minor), death of a minor character, so much spy shit, the plot thickens, Price is not very nice this chapter. 

Word count:  3k

Your flight landed in Ireland, and you had to check your phone twice. Once to check the time (you’d gone through multiple time zones in the last week) and once to confirm the location. 

You really needed a good night’s sleep, soon. You were beginning to feel stretched too thin. Maybe you’d take this info in person to Kate, crash at her place for a week. 

You arrived at the meeting place early, settling in and getting something to eat. You kept a casual eye out around you - it all just looked like locals gathering after a day of work. The gentle chatter was soothing in its own way. 

A man stood at your table, looking nervous and fidgety. “How do you like the view?” he asked, speaking carefully. He even sounded a little stilted. Hopefully you’d never run into him again. 

“The green does my soul good,” you responded the other half of the code, much more normally. “Please, have a seat. Can I get you anything?” 

He sat and immediately ordered a beer. You frowned, just a little, but complied. So long as he remained sober and talking, you wouldn’t begrudge him a little something to take the edge off. 

You were careful not to put your notebook on the table where it could be seen, but you did hit record on your phone. You’d transfer the recording to a USB later - for now, this was the easiest way to get the information down fast. 

“You know someone in the group?” you asked quietly, gently leading. 

“Aye,” he agreed softly. “My cousin. He was the decent sort, but he got into some weird shit, ya know? And then…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Dunno how he got mixed up in all of this, but he keeps saying that the new world order is coming, shite like that. Crazy shite.” 

You nodded, hoping you looked appropriately sympathetic rather than just eager. “I see. What do you know of their plans?” 

“Not much,” he admitted, wringing his hands together. When his beer arrived, he downed nearly half of it in one go. “I know they are planning stuff, right? But he’s not allowed to tell me stuff, could get him killed to tell me too much.”

You hummed your understanding, watching him carefully. He was too nervous to be lying to you. If you had to guess, he was nervous about getting caught. “What else can you tell me?” 

You sat and listened patiently for the next forty-five minutes as he went on a ramble, a mixture of propaganda you figured the Russians used, a few oblique references to Al-Qatala, how much he missed his cousin, and how he was nervous to talk to people now. Honestly, it was a bit headache inducing. 

You weren’t sure you’d exactly call this the font of information you had been hoping for… but it was better than nothing. So you slipped the man cash and stood to leave.

“Can I walk you anywhere?” he offered, cheeks pinked from the second beer. 

“No,” you refused gently. “Thank you. It’s better if we go our separate ways and don’t speak again.”

“Oh. Right. Okay.” He bobbled a little, awkward and uncertain. “Have a good night.”

“You too.” You couldn’t help but smile a little. Aw. Darling. You turned to leave, deciding to head back to your hotel to transcribe the information before taking it back to Laswell. 

A thump from behind you made you still, heart slamming into overdrive as all your hair stood on end. One look back confirmed what you had feared. 

He was dead, slumped to the ground. 

The first scream came from the pub the two of you had just left, and you dove for cover behind a car. A bullet pinged into the brick behind you, where you had been a moment before. 

You were in fucking trouble now. 

Hands shaking, you looked back at the pub to see several people on their phones, likely phoning the cops. Another bullet hit the car you were hidden behind. 

You could stay and hope the car provided good enough cover until the police arrived. 

Or you could make a dash for it and get the hell out. 

Swallowing, you reached into your bag, grabbing the beanie you weren’t using. Quick investigation showed that ahead of you was another car, a line of them going down the street to provide some cover. The opposite direction had no cover but quickly turned into an alley behind the building. 

Taking your chances, you tossed the beanie towards the next car, making sure it would be visible from above. And you booked it in the opposite direction, ignoring the bullets behind you. You rounded the corner and could have cried with relief. As you suspected, there was a back door into the pub. You yanked it open and ran through, ignoring the yells of the kitchen staff, getting to the side entrance you’d found earlier. 

From there, it was a matter of making as many turns as possible, hoping that the sniper was bogged down by equipment and hampered by line of sight. Any time you could, you went through a building. That got you yelled at more than once, but you ignored every person. 

After an hour of this, you felt confident enough that the sniper wasn’t going to snipe you immediately to pull out your phone. You were panting, shaking, rattled. 

“Laswell,” you gasped, looking around furtively. “I need an immediate drop point.”

“What’s going on?” she demanded, short and tense.

“Got in over my head.” You sucked in another deep breath. Now that the adrenaline was fading, you hurt. Actually, your side hurt more than you should, and you looked down. Blood had stained the front and side of your shirt. “Oh fuck.”

“What now?” She sounded calmer than you, at least.

“Uh. Might’ve got shot. A little bit.” You lifted your shirt carefully, looking at the wound. “Just a graze. Not really bleeding anymore.”

“You need to get that taken care of, before you lose more blood,” Laswell ordered.

“Yes, thank you, I do–fuck!--do realize that.” You swallowed hard, poking very carefully around the edges. “Nothing broken, no major damage. That was… Goddamn that was close.” 

“You are going to explain everything to me,” Laswell ordered. “Now.”

“Not my boss,” you grumbled, even as you looked around again, this time looking for directions. You pulled your jacket tighter around yourself, hiding the blood. “Followed some intel on some Russians, got shot at, need to drop the info.”

Laswell sighed deeply. You hadn’t heard that particular sigh in… years. “Alright. I’ll send you coordinates. They might not be happy to see you.”

“They?” 

“Captain and his team.”

“Oh, well, no problem.” You huffed a little laugh, walking quickly now and sticking to populated areas. “Pretty sure he likes me.”

Laswell huffed an almost-laugh. “Just stay safe.”

“Will do.” You hung up on her, focusing on getting to your hotel. You needed to bug out. Immediately. But you also needed to dress this damn wound and change clothes. 

Fortunately, Laswell was as good as her word, and got you the directions to the drop point. Along with a reminder to stay safe. 

You didn’t reply, busy putting some bandages over the graze. Which hurt like blazes. Then you put gauze over the whole thing and taped it down.

That would just have to hold you until you could get to an actual medical professional. Preferably one you could pay under the table. 

It was a short flight down to London, and you didn’t stop. As soon as you were off the plane, you were gone again, making your way through the city to the drop off point. 

By this point, you weren’t sure how long you’d been awake, or how much blood you’d lost. More than you were comfortable with, apparently. 

Hopefully you could throw the notebook tucked under your shirt and the USB on your necklace at him and then call it a day. 

You made it to the drop off and paused in the street. This was… not the greatest neighborhood. Half the street lights were out, many windows were dark. Honestly, it set your nerves on edge. 

“Keep walking,” someone behind you grunted, right before something hard jammed into your back, against your spine. “Captain’s waiting.” 

You swallowed, not quite brave enough to look behind you, and started walking. The door ahead of you opened, revealing Captain, looking much the same as ever. He nodded once and stepped aside while the man behind you nudged you inside. Captain took the lead from there, walking down a set of stairs into a basement, and from there through a door and down a hallway. Vaguely, you realized this must have been a hidden entrance to a base of some kind, because you walked much too far to still be in the same neighborhood. 

At least there were lights placed regularly in the ceiling, all in working order. 

Captain pulled another door open and motioned you first. You went up the stairs perhaps a little more slowly than you needed to, but you were tired and in pain and confused. You figured you could be forgiven. 

At the top of the stairs, the man behind you moved up to take the lead momentarily. All you saw of him was that he was wearing all black, was an absolute mountain of a man, and had a full on mask over his head. 

But he opened a door and motioned you in with the gun. So in you went, Captain behind you. The masked man closed the door with a soft click. 

“Really, Captain?” You huffed as you were more or less pushed down into the single chair in the room. “Is this how you treat all your guests?”

“Is that what you are?” Captain loomed over you, blank-faced, hands tucked into the neck of his tactical vest. “A guest?”

“What else would you call someone bringing gifts?” You spread your hands out, tipping your head up to look at him.

“A spy.” That came from the masked one, still behind you. 

You sighed. “Captain,” you murmured. “Still no trust after all this time? I’m hurt. Absolutely hurt.” You pressed a hand over your head, the drama covering up the very real pain. 

His eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “You know, Laswell told me about you.”

“All awful things, I’m sure.” You kept your gaze on him as he took three steps over to the table. (Which you hadn’t even noticed, too busy being drawn into Captain’s gaze. Sloppy.) 

“Not all.” He didn’t look at you as he picked up a file. “You’re not the only one capable of gathering intel.” 

You blinked as he held out the file to you. You took it carefully, opening it. Your own face stared back at you, a still from an info drop. You leafed through it slowly, looking at the pictures inside. You sitting at dinner with Sergio. You playing with Sergio’s girls. You on the phone with someone, cool and collected. You getting off the plane in Mexico, being picked up by Valeria’s men.

“And all of this is…?” You trailed off leadingly, closing the folder gently.

“Evidence.”

“Against me.” You held out the folder for him to take, heart plummeting. This was bad. This was potentially every bit as bad as the sniper you’d escaped in Ireland. 

“Laswell thinks you’re not in on all of this.” Captain took the folder and tossed it back on the table. “I disagree. I think you’ve been in bed with the enemy for a while now.”

You drew in a slow breath. So. That was his play here. Honest hurt clenched in your chest, dragged against your lungs. Only sheer bloody-mindedness kept you breathing normally. 

“Well.” You licked your lips. “It sounds like you’ve made up your mind about me.”

His eyes narrowed at you. Neither of you spoke for several moments.

“Not even going to defend yourself?”

Your smile was definitely sad at this point, and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it. You were tired. You hurt. You ached. All you’d wanted was a smooth drop off. Not this. “In my experience, there won’t be anything I can say to make you believe me. I could tell you my rules, but I suspect Laswell already has. I could remind you that I saved that young man’s life, but you doubtless took that into account. A conscious ploy on my part, perhaps. A way to get you to trust me.” You breathed in slowly. “You’re a stubborn man, Captain. As I said. I can’t change your mind.” 

“You’re probably right.” He remained calm, facing you, hands once again tucked into his vest.

“I think I’d like to give you the information now, before you let your underling at me.” Your fingers did not tremble as you pulled the necklace from around your neck. The notebook had left indents against your skin by the time you wormed it out from under your shirt, and you held both items out to Captain. “Here. Take them.” 

Looking suspicious now, he took the items. “What’s this, then?” 

“Intel.” You shrugged. “Movements of a Russian terrorist group. Weapons shipments. Numbers. What of the finances I could trace. Shell companies.” You shrugged again, folding your hands together in your lap. 

He was quiet as he looked through the notebook, not reading but skimming. The masked one shifted closer to you, banked violence rolling off him like fog, thick and eager.

And then your cell phone rang.

All three of you paused, and then the masked one snatched it and tossed it to Captain. 

“Laswell,” Captain murmured, letting it ring through without answering it. But then your phone rang again, and he huffed, holding it out to you.

“Katie Kate,” you greeted, light. Nothing was wrong. Nothing to see here.

“Did you make it?” 

You blinked, surprised, and looked at Captain. “Yes.”

“Price grabbed you, didn’t he?” Laswell demanded.

“I don’t do names, Katie Kate,” you reminded her gently. 

“Give him the phone. Then tell him where you’ve been for the last 72 hours.” 

You blinked. “Not a lackey, Laswell.”

“Do it.”

You sighed but held out the phone. “She wants to talk to you, Captain.” 

He took the phone, grunting once in acknowledgement. Then he remained silent for several moments, half-turned away from you, completely silent. “Fine.” He hung up and looked back at you. “Start talking.”

“I spent the last 72 hours getting that information.” You shrugged. “I’ve got friends in arms dealing and movements, so I visited a couple of them to get some of those numbers. Then I headed up to Ireland to see another contact who knows someone in the Russian group, and let me tell you, he rambled. Then he got shot, and I spent the next hour dodging a sniper.” You blinked, going through your memory. Things got a bit fuzzy there. “Took me a few hours to get here after that, and voila.” 

“That’s not how Kate put that last part.”

You winced. Just a little. “Does it matter?”

“It does if you bled for this.” He let the necklace dangle between his fingers. 

Abruptly, you were angry. So angry. You wanted to shout at him. You wanted to hit him. You wanted to run to the far side of the planet and burn every alias you’d ever made and retire to a quiet beach. 

You wished you’d been able to actually see the sniper. 

“You’ve made up your mind about me,” you pushed, eyes narrowing, shoulders tense and tight. 

“You never defended yourself.”

“Because it doesn’t matter!” You started to rise, only to be pushed harshly back down. “It never matters!” 

Captain crouched in front of you, the line of his jaw easing. “Let me see.”

You bared your teeth at him. “Shoot me first.”

“Nah. Someone else did that already.” One big hand caught the wrist nearer him, holding you steady as his other hand pulled your shirt up enough to see the blood-stained bandages over your ribs.

“Let go of me.” Your voice had gone frigid, frame so tense you ached with it.

“Not yet, love.”

The softness in his tone had you blinking, dumbfounded. The emotional whiplash combined with the sleep deprivation and blood loss was doing absolutely wretched things to your heart. “What?” 

“Come on. Let’s get you up to medical.” He stood and pulled you up with him. Unprepared, you swayed, off-kilter. 

“I don’t…” You felt like you were lagging, blinking rapidly. 

“You’ll feel better after some sleep.” He nodded to the other man, helping you out of the room and down the hall. “You know, took me a bit to put together your passwords.”

“...What?” You blinked at him, a little bleary, stumbling through the door. 

“Enterprise. Imperial. Used Voyager before, too.” His lips twitched in something approaching a teasing smile. “Didn’t realize you were such a nerd.”

“You were testing me.” You spoke slowly, tongue thick, mind working overtime to fight through the everything: lack of sleep, lack of blood, emotional whiplash. 

Captain hummed his agreement of that, depositing you onto a cot. “Yes.”

“Why…?” You turned your gaze to him, hoping you were hiding your hurt, fairly certain you didn’t succeed.

He sighed slowly. “I’ll explain it all after you get some sleep.” He stepped back, letting a medic over. “Rest, Ace.” 

You blinked at his retreating back. You needed more intel. None of this made sense. 

It didn’t even occur to you until later that he had somehow seamlessly traveled the long path down to the soft part of your heart without permission. Somehow, somewhere along the way, he had become important to you.

And that? That hurt worse than the stitches the medic was putting in you.