#for the record im not upset or angry or mad at the writing this is stellar shit

[kitsoa]

ah go me. trying to ignore last months cliffhanger for noragami and thinking that the events of this month chapter might not actually happen. serious case of hopium overdose.

all i could say was 'ahhh fuck' over and over and over again. cause you see it coming, but you hope it doesn't and its a slow motion car crash and has been for months now.

[skittsyteacup]

TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!

i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe). 

some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn. 

but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.

we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed. 

but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up,  “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?”                                        “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane”              i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?

im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.

[singularstiletto]

Ugh stupid rant time bc I’m mad and it’s personal and I just sent out the 3rd email bc my other two haven’t been responded to.

I’m so fucking angry with Toyhou.se right now its insane. I have lost the info to an account I made when I was 13, the min age you can join, and have been trying to get back into it. I looked for any record of my passwords at the time but no luck. turns out I dont even have access to the email because I forgot what I changed it to one summer years ago because i was going into high school.

So what would a reasonable lad think to do. email the linked support team! Of course. I ask a general question about the account, giving the name of it and the reason im emailing thinking I will talk to someone and I’ll at least get an answer...

Just under a month later I email again. I was desprate. I had tried everything, every password I ever used, even trying to log into every email I ever had and could rmemeber. No Luck. I ask if that I cannot get into the account or cannot be given access then can it at least be deleted since it’s literally my art and even some of my writing ideas on there.

THREE MONTHS LATER. I am tired. I am distraught. I have no control because I have done everything I believe that I can. And not a single fucking person has gotten back to me. I admit my email is clearly written in upset but what else can I do. I quote their Privacy Policy at them, I reason that I have tried to follow it and I am now asking for what they can do. I bring up that I CANNOT FILE A HELP TICKET TO DELETE MY ACCOUNT BECAUSE IT REQUIRES ME TO BE LOGGED IN TO DO SO WHICH IS MY PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. I am livid. I am tired, so fucking tired. I just want my work back. Old memories and hopes and stupid ideas that are mine. I have physical copies of a lot of the art, Im willing to prove that I am the owner of that account. But no one. is getting. back to me.

Sorry about the rant I’m just really upset that this is something that could have happened to someone else.

[shxxtingstarss]

stuff abt me

I contacted the psychiatric hospital where I had multiple stays and asked for a copy of my patient record, they sent it to me just two days after I requested it and it's a whole fucking folder, it's about 200 pages long (stopped counting at 50 and estimated the rest). Of course I had to read through it the day I got it and damn, that was a lot. Funniest part was how early all of the recommendations were to get me away from my abusive mother, which I wanted to, but it's funny how hard I tried to keep contact bc she manipulated me into thinking I'm the problem, I failed and it was all my fault (and I was scared as shit of her). Well, now im NC since last christmas and in general, it feels a lot better. She tried to contact me more than once and still wants an explanation on why I (currently) don't want any contact to her... well, kinda sorry but I really don't have the time to explain atm and you really, should know that best yourself...

My mother traumatised me and my brother for years, she was incapable of controlling any strong emotions like rage, sadness, etc or any impulses. She never accepted any help or treatment (properly). She had/has an ED, she intentionally made us be afraid of her in general, but especially afraid of her punching us, verbally abusing us or afraid of her mutilating or killing herself if we weren't "good kids" (her picture of good kids seemed to be kids that don't talk, eat, cry, or maybe even breathe). My favourite example of this is from a few years ago, she went to look for mushrooms in the forest and began to clean and cut them in the evening at home, when my brother had some kind of disagreement with her about... about nothing (probably school, cleaning his room, sth like that). She got angry and mad very fast (as per usual) and screamed at him that if he doesn't stop upsetting her like that, she will show him how upset she actually is. Few seconds later it got suspiciously quiet (I heard everything through my bedroom door). My brother started crying and ran to his room half crying half screaming as if he was in great pain. That was not the usual way it ended, usually it ended with more screaming and crying and my mother throwing things around (or occasionally beating one of us). I got out of my bedroom and wanted to know what happened, went to my brothers room, my mother was in the bathroom. I saw blood on the floor of the hall. My brother was under his blanket and had our grandma on the telephone and obviously tried to tell her what happened, he seemed extremely scared. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but my mother entered the room furiously and snatched the phone out of his hand. She started to tell grandma that he just imagined stories and nothing he told was true. She left the room talking to grandma on the phone, so I tried to care for my crying brother. He told me, gasping for air bc he cried so hard, that our mother just took the kitchen knife which she cut the mushrooms with and rammed it into her stomach. I forgot what happened afterwards, I probably dissociated bc it was too much, I can only remember hearing my mother leave, then I found the knife on the kitchen floor, full of blood, and cleaned the floor from all the blood droplets. My mother went to the hospital that night and had to stay there for three days. She told the doctors that she tripped and fell on the knife in the woods, I visited her on the second day and she told me to absolutely not tell the truth and stared at me with her devilish eyes that she gets when she's angry. The doctors said she barely missed her liver. I was really tempted to tell them the truth, I hoped she would've been brought to a mental facility and we could finally find peace, but I couldn't do it, I was too scared of her. And so the horror kept going on (especially for my brother). This happened when I was 14 and my brother was 11 years old. I sometimes think I could've changed everything for the better if I would've told the doctors - I got to get out of there around half a year later, but my brother stayed with her for another 5 years and I'm terribly sorry for him. My mother never changed for the better, he got beaten even more often, she started to get even more personal and aggressive and talked him down more and more in fights, I once heard a voice message from her to him and it was horrible. Can't explain how angry I am about her treating my little brother this way.

My brother often said he never really felt loved by her and I used to defense her in all ways possible bc that's how she raised me basically, I had to lie for her, I had to do everything for her. But now that I can actually think about it, I actually never felt loved by her either. I don't know if she loves/loved us and never managed to show it or if she didn't love us at all.

Back to my patient record, the weird part was, I felt something like a strange sympathy, I felt sorry for my younger me, I asked myself why all of this had to happen, especially to an innocent child. But I didn't ask this in the way I normally did, I really felt sorry like for another person instead of feeling sorry for me or being in despair about it. Don't know if that's good or bad, it just is like that.

I know I'm not a different person than then, but at least some things changed and sometimes I really wonder how I managed to do all of this while being strongly suicidal, not very self-caring (more like the opposite if I think about all the selfharm) and not having any support by "family". Luckily I got a lot of support from social workers, my therapist, and sometimes even friends (wasn't easy for me to be close to people/more than one favourite person, actually it still isn't).

Well, it's not done yet and I still feel like pure shit some days/weeks, and I still (or maybe again) have to get better. The stress of being a chem student is not very mental-health-supportive, even for the healthiest peeps. At least I know now that it's actually not my fault, I'm not a piece of shit as my mother loved to tell me as often as she could, I did not destroy my "family", I was not the problem. It was not my fault. I actually tried my best, it just wasn't enough sometimes.

So, let's hope I keep this up and maybe I'll write another post some time soon. Maybe I can even help some desperate soul out there that is being manipulated into thinking that everything bad happened bc of them. No. And yes, I fucked up sometimes, I'm far away from perfect too, that's perfectly normal. But I'm not the "mentally ill person that destroyed her new marriage", maybe she should've had a look in the mirror instead of looking at me.

[majoringinsarcasm]

It took me two hours last night to watch the first episode and I feel asleep at the halfway point in episode two last night. Happy Sunday!

S1E2: Amuse-Bouche (the small bites preceding the main course)

Can’t believe they had Mads say Last Time on Hannibal shut uuuuup

Is YouTube not gonna let me see the opening? Do I have to look up the show Intro by itself? Hang on

Ok it was shorter than I expected but aesthetically I liked it. Moving on!

Oh that scared me actually was not expecting the paper to turn into Hobbs. Was startled

THE MUSIC IS SO GOOD THE SOUND DESIGN BUT STOP IT IM STRESSED

Bruh your attic is sinister can’t you collect coins like a normal white dad Jesus

H

Ok first of all

Hi Freddie

Second of all people Love to be topless in this show and I’m. Not mad about it

THE INTRO STARTS AT FIVE MINUTES ARE YOU KIDDING IS EACH EPISODE A COLD OPEN????? I looked it up for nothing dammit

Lol do you think the class all talked about how they would clap for Professor Graham? What does the group chat for his students look like

Will: does anyone see the clue? There isn’t one. He left a phone number but no address

Me: ….. so the clue is a lack of address what. That’s. That’s literally the clue sir what

“Hannibal Lecter is a better fit. Your relationship isn’t personal”

I love Hannibal’s office so much I would pay just to hang out. Also they have a daughter now or whatever

I BET ITS MARIJUANA oh random forest children how delightful

MUSHROOM MAN WAS THE SECOND FUCKING EPISDOE?????????? HOW

BKMB

They are best friends your honor

“I got stabbed when I was a cop” the line deliveries. I love them

Also give it up for Will’s right shoulder! What a trooper!!

Honey baby sweetie please your hair

Freddie spotted!!!

I love how everyone on this show is some degree of Hot and Manipulate

I feel so bad for Will he is terrible with first impressions but only because the first time people see him he is Alone at a Crime Scene standing around looking Weird. The odds aren’t in his favor

It’s so jarring to think about the filming and how Hugh had to be the killer for like most of all the reconstructions Will does. When he’s explaining what the evidence is, his voice is just Gah can he read podfics? Bc I’d listen

EVERY TIME HOBBS GIVES ME A FRIGHT UGH

THE HAND GRABBING ALSO STARTLED ME STOP

Making him laugh in your office while standing near him. The power Hannibal must feel

Also he called Will a fungus

Ms Lounds it’s rude to record someone else’s therapy session

Ok so she’s pretending to be someone in order to talk to Hannibal but her outfit is cute

I kinda love her

Like. Hate her but I kinda love her

Oooooo he caught you

Stoooooop the tension is choking me legit go away fndkdbfjfjkddkndnfjdjdjdjffjfkjfnfnfkfjdk

Come sit by me Pat Pat Pat

Oh Bella honey

Jack: Will knows himself better than anyone

Hannibal: I think you disagree

It makes me so upset to see Jack so happy knowing Hannibal fucks up his life. That’s his new friend who makes him laugh! Fuck you!

I know all killers are Bad but an evil doctor makes me angry in a real world sort of way. Not that people aren’t killed in the real world it’s just doctors have so much access to delicate medical information and medical stuff makes me ick so. If Will kills this guy I won’t be mad

I wanna kill this guy actually move aside!

AHHHH HE guys listen I have taste in men but only actors who play characters I’m obsessed with and I don’t watch a lot of stuff HES BREAKING THE WINDOW

He’s hot to watch is what I’m getting at

Hannibal with a tablet is also very funny but I couldn’t say why

Lmao the camera shots to Zeller I love telegraphing

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t.” She’s a worm but also the only one who saw the writing on the wall like four years before everyone else

He’s sleeping 🥺 he looks so handsome why can’t the show be about a handsome man who becomes a model bc some fussy European saw him on the street and wanted to work with him. Hannibal is still a cannibal though bc he detests diet culture and people harming their bodies for fashion

ALANA IS READING TO ABIGAIL

Cozy puppy on the couch I’m sobbing

Someone read to this lonely man I’m begging you

Oh it’s blood in water? No it’s brain matter it certainly won’t be…. Oh it is actually just coffee ok

“I know people in private security” is just my uncle works at Nintendo

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE DUCK WHAT THE FUCK WH

(Also just gonna say I enjoy the show I really do…. not a lot of diversity in this one huh. moving on)

Attractive men do have better standings in society than ugly men but in horror movies the hot guy is always the evil one. I’m happy to note we’ve got two good hot men on our side (Will and Jack) bc uhhh Doctor man who’s name they just said but I forget is one ugly bitch

Eldon Stammets

This man is really running about in a hospital holding a gun. are you even allowed guns in hospitals

People desperate for connections oh I am getting the uncomfortable wiggles now Stop

Ok but in hindsight would becoming fertilized be a better death than the one she gets? Food for thought

The PROLONGED EYE CONTACT

He Felt Powerful

Final Thoughts: This was an all about Freddie Lounds episode and I can’t say I’m mad about it. Her interest in Will is to the roof, we know she’s a sneaky smart liar who will do anything for the story, and considering how the rest of the series goes having a man killed in front of her doesn’t seem to phase her in the long run. Will was very handsome in this episode as was Jack and I wish I knew the timeline of all this because it’s two episodes but clearly more time has passed for the characters than just like two or three days. I think. I’m ready for the next disaster!!

[deripmaver]

4 5 6 for ALL OF THE CaPri FANFICS

LKSJMDHGVLKSJ ALL OF THEM???

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? 5: What part was hardest to write? 6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Ink On Paper (tongue fic) 4. lmfaoooooooo there isn't a whole lot of dialogue in this one oop-

Laurent nodded. The wax softened as he pressed his hand into it, erasing his previous message. Soft, warm, melting under his touch. He wrote again, I need someone who is not afraid to read out the insults I make towards the idiots at court. You have been fired, Damianos.

i guess it technically counts lmfao. i just wanted to show laurent post-trauma still able to make jokes and snipe at his husband so it wasnt all doom and gloom 5. i'm not sure exactly what "hardest to write" here means because like... a lot of these fic have serious gore or otherwise upsetting content, but both emotionally and actually writing wise i find that kind of thing actually pretty easy to write hahahaha. i think i got stuck with the chronology and the decision to make it non-linear made it flow a lot better. for the record writing laurent getting raped and then having his tongue cut out was actually very easy to write, i think i got it out in basically one go. #cancelme the more fucked up and intense the easier i find to nyoom through it 6. my first ever fic in the capri fandom!!!! hehehehhehehe <333333 Level Of Concern (plan B fic) 4.

Before Nicaise could say anything, Laurent spat, “Does he know you had your first heat?”

SURPRISE nic was the one who was pregnant the whole time!!!!!!! 5. this one i banged out REALLY quickly so i cant think of anything here 6. capri omegaverse!!!!!!! i wish there was more of this 🥺🥺🥺 Like Me (what if Auguste was also abused fic) 4. ******CW INCEST MENTION CW ABUSE MENTION******

“Your brother’s stuck his dick in every single member of your family,” Auguste spat out, laughing, crying, and so miserable he thought his heart would stop. His voice rose again, and he felt something burst from him as he screamed for the whole world to hear, “Did you know that? Did you, huh papa? Did he fuck you too?”

dude this line is so fucked up lmfao but i enjoyed writing it so much. actually this entire scene where auguste is having his breakdown was really intense to write and im really pleased with how it came out OR

Auguste grabbed him suddenly, looking up into his grief-stricken face desperately. “Please, Laurent,” he pleaded, voice breaking. “Please. Don’t let him end up like me.”

i felt entirely too clever with this line lmfao. i was like ~ooooohhhhh title drop~ im so dumb 5. i just remember this one like. dragged on for some time. i couldnt figure out what to do with it, how to get everything to coalesce around the final reveal about auguste 6. plot twist!!!!!!! plus auguste angst. i really enjoyed this one, i wrote it after watching the movie Spotlight which is one of my all time faves Softly, Gently 4.

“My King has been overexerting himself again, I presume?” Paschal sighed, shaking his head with a fond smile. “When have I ever done that?” Laurent cocked his head to the side, a wry smile on his face.

hehehehe sassy laurent my beloved <33333 5. honestly im just going to skip this one from now on lskjghmvlksjhglkvsjhdl i just get "stuck" sometimes without rhyme or reason and its usually on boring stuff, but then i cant remember later. the hardest part for me is when my dumb fucking adhd brain wont let me focus on writing but once i overcome that its usually pretty smooth sailing 6. horny omegaverse.................... my beloved............... giving men vaginas for horny reasons my beloved......................... Water of Life (birth fic)

“Do you want to hold him?” Erasmus breathed, eyes glassy. The baby cried, Erasmus bouncing him tenderly in those sunkissed arms. He looked apologetic. “Only for a moment, it’s not quite over yet.” A playful smile danced on Erasmus’ lips, and he brushed away a slick, damp curl from the wailing baby’s head. “A head this big, he certainly takes after Exalted.”

a cute, fun lil line in the sea of horrible angst lmfao ORRRRRR

Erasmus knelt before Damen, before Laurent. He said, “Exalted… Can you command his Highness to push?” Damen froze. “Do you mean…?” Erasmus nodded. “Alpha command.” Damen’s expression crumpled. He said, in a voice that shattered Erasmus’ heart, “I can’t. I can’t do that to him.” Erasmus licked his lips. “Exalted, in this state, he can’t push. His contractions are weaker. He’ll-” “I can’t,” Damen cried, clinging to Laurent’s limp body like a lifeline. “He’d… He’d never forgive me.”

damen is so sweet........ he loves laurent so much...... ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

He stopped at the doorframe, turning to face Laurent with tears in his eyes, and whispered, “How long does it take, your Highness?” Laurent, shocked enough to respond, hissed, “What?” “I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of it,” Erasmus said, voice thick in his throat, tears burning at his eyes. “How long until it’s over?”

real sad hours if u up click like. i love erasmus and laurent bonding over their shared trauma <33333333333333333333 laurent and erasmus friendship propaganda 24-fucking-7 bay bee!!!!! 6. unironically this is one of my fav fic ive ever written skdljmfhgvlksjdhflmgkvjshldkjfghvmls call the midwife is one of my favorite shows and writing this made me look at birth as something visceral and possibly horrible and traumatic. i wanna write more fucked up birth scenes, SO MANY MORE. ridley scott knew what he was doing Sandalwood (erasmus/kallias my sweet boys i love u so much) 4.

“I do,” Erasmus breathes, ducking his head, flushed as though embarrassed. “In the gardens, the perfume from the orange trees all around us on those summer nights.” Kallias smiles behind him – Erasmus knows his body so intimately he can feel it in how Kallias’ posture changes, though he can’t see the soft turn of his lips. “The scent was so cloying I thought it would drive me mad. It made me want to kiss you senseless.” Erasmus laughs, breathlessly, imagining the warm heat of Kallias’ mouth against his. “Don’t blame that on the orange trees, dear one.”

beloved..................... im weeping.......... 6. these two make me fuckign CRY ON THE REG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH MY SWEET BOYS YOU DESERVE THE WORLD- Wisps of Smoke******************* (lauguste fic) 4. ***CW EXPLICIT INCEST*** (i mean....... obviously lmfao)

“Call me what I like,” Auguste growled against his ear. “You know what I like.” He did. Laurent did. He knew everything Auguste liked – the slow flick of Laurent’s tongue on the underside of his cock, that tender spot behind his earlobe, the way Laurent’s thighs looked straddled atop him like his horse – and this. “Brother,” Laurent gasped, desperate, “Brother, please, harder. Harder.”

i wanted the incest to be explicitly part of the kink here lmfaoooooo 6. hehehehehehehhehehehhehe lauguste................... i need to write more of u But I Love It (laurent is allergic to latex fic) 4.

“Laurent,” Auguste said, voice high in warning. Laurent braced himself, stiffening visibly. With what seemed to be monumental effort, Auguste continued, “You know, Laurent. I’m proud of you.”

IM A SOFT BITCH OK???????????????? auguste is PROUD of his baby bro for overcoming his sexual trauma and getting that fat dick 6. SLJHVDLMKJDHGVLK PEOPLE FUCKING LOVED THIS FIC i tried to be funny and i think it worked. plus some softe bits thrown in. i also kind of see lots of humor fic where its a no abuse au, but i wanted to write something comedic where the regent still. existed u kno????? anyways hahahahha i dont think i can write anything like this again but im glad y'all liked it Is It Cold In The Water (slice of life fic) 4.

Laurent opens his mouth to say something cheeky, but instead, what comes out is: “Do you think Aimeric had the right idea?” Damen is quiet for so long, gaze serious and framed with his long, dark lashes, that Laurent wonders if he’d spoken aloud at all – and when he’s sure he had, he realizes Damen had remembered Aimeric after all. When he speaks again, the sleep is gone from his voice. “Laurent,” Damen says carefully, as though approaching a spooked horse, “Is something wrong?”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 soft,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 6. ruby likes this fic lskjdvhmflgksfjdhmvglkjsdhflkvgmjhlekjfhdvlgskjfhv im a SIMP- The Devil's Got Nothing On Me (AIMERIC FIC LEGGOOOO) 4. there are lots of lil nuggets in here!!!!

Aimeric blinks, and all he can think is, you knew? He says, "I – I just." "I am a patient man," Guion breathes, "I support everyone in my household. Everyone. But Aimeric, you are truly testing my patience. Your mother came to me in tears, begging me to find you. Look at what you did to her! There was nothing I could say until we found you!" "I'm sorry," Aimeric whispers, looking at Loyse, "I'm-" "Look at me," Guion roars.

this conversation was inspired by a very miserable encounter with my boss lmfao. fuck that guy and fuck guion

The regent, blue eyes sparkling - and Aimeric has never thought eyes could look just like a summer sky until now - says to Guion but really to Aimeric, "I was thinking I could take little Aimeric riding tomorrow. Just the two of us." Loyse says, before Guion can speak, voice trembling with relief, "I think that's a wonderful idea, your Highness."

~dramatic irony~ lmfaoooooooooo. WE know of course that this is a bad thing, but it's always fun to have characters make bad choices that they have no idea are bad. i also did this briefly in "Like Me" with auguste's ex wife taking nicaise to church because she was so overwhelmed at home and he offered to help. of course, the regent is always happy to help out. evil evil evil

"-was worried it might be difficult for him." A soft, lilting laugh. The guards had said the regent was in the library, and then there is Guion, right there with him. Aimeric is suddenly angry, not sure why his father is with the regent, who is his and no one else's. The regent responds, "I daresay it's been perfectly easy. It seems you've done most of the work already."

i wanted to highlight the fact that it was aimeric's neglect that lead him to the regent in the first place. hence "youve done most of the work already" - guion by ignoring and neglecting aimeric created the perfect environment for the regent to sweep in and take advantage. like leaving food out btwn 40-140 F is a perfect breeding ground for bacteria LOL. the books touch on that but i wanted to make it explicit

He is so, so ashamed. It's unbearable, the thought of her kind eyes, the way she cried for him, the way he pushed her away. Before he'd left to join the prince's guard, she had taken his hand, kissed it, and said in a voice fragile as glass, "It's been such a long time since I've seen you smile like that," but in that moment he could think only of the regent's letter warm in his pocket.

6. honestly i know ive sounded super conceited this whole time but i kind of tear up whenever i read through the end of the fic lmfao. aimeric is just so fucking depressing as a character and i love that i really got to explore that in this fic. he really didnt have anyone, did he????? he's like a tragic greek character where you just watch him stumbling towards his inevitable end and it hurts the whole time. its even worse on the reread ANYWAYYYYYYY thats it. thanks so much for the ask anon!!!!!!! feel free to send me more!!!

[personasintro]

Mimi, i adore your books and you’re doing really amazing.

For the record, i hate kiko too. I hate how she cheated and all. I hate how this whole situation kinda suffocate yn and locks her inside.

BUT

Yall need to remember that it’s just a book. A FREE one to be exact. And no one forced you to read it. Of course you have your opinion as a reader but guys, it’s not even a constructive criticism anymore. You guys are just upset that the story doesn’t go to your liking and i don’t know if i need to stress it again but FEEL FREE TO LEAVE🚶‍♀️i mean yo, first of all, it’s not even that deep. It’s just, repeat after me, A BOOK. And yes it’s only natural that when someone really loves a book they begin to overindulge by learning the characters’ behavior and everything, mad when someone dies, etc etc. But what you did by over-criticizing mimi is wrong in so many levels. I get it that you guys are so angry because kiko is being such a bitch and jungkook being just a normal person who’s madly in love with a girl, and i despise kiko too. I know some of you mentioned that it’s a “Y/N x Jungkook” ff so it should be weighing more to yn and jk interaction, and you’re absolutely right about that. I do see it lacking of yn pov privilege but this matter was already cleared as mimi explained that it is a slow burn story and things will fall into places eventually. Also guys, THEY ARE JUST IMAGINARY CHARACTERS. Mimi explaining her behaviors was because mimi IS the writer. Mimi MADE kiko and yn and even jk’s characteristics. I hope you guys are not hoping that the real jeon jeongkook from bts would behaving the same way as jk from mh. It’s up to a writer if they want to explain shits about their OC. In your eyes it might looks like someone who’s protecting their problematic friend but bestie, guess what? News flash it’s not. You can be all mad to kiko but leave mimi alone. You guys love to read right? Then try to spend your time on scrolling mimi’s page a bit, mimi already explained A LOT about what how and why kiko is doing what she does which is for all i can see is a charity for yall overly obsessed mfks. I got mad too when kiko appeared and doing her shit, i cursed too, a lot, but i kept that to myself because what? That’s the art of reading. You cry, you get angry, you laugh. I mean come on, imagine every time a writer wrote something that irritates the readers and they have to change the whole plot based on what their readers want, that would end up being hilarious and the plot would be bland af.

You might think I’m overreacting but im not doing all of this without a worthy reason, I’ve been following MH from the first chapter and I’ve read all of your ridiculous demands and just when i thought yall going to stop after mimi explained everything, you chose to be blind. So i feel like i need to step up a bit.

I write too, okay? But i never post anything on anywhere because i don’t want to deal with this kind of shit where i give people free stuff to enjoy but instead of supporting me they would rather be a bully.

Bestie, i take it that you already read all of the chapters, if it’s a paid story you’d already spent a lot. Please just think about that simple logic first when you’re going to talk shit to mimi or any writer out there.

To sum up everything: constructive criticism is okay, you can complain if there’s any grammatical errors or about how to write certain narrative, but keep your subjective opinions towards any character to yourself. Especially if the writer already explained themselves.

To mimi, i still hate kiko with all of my soul but thank you for sharing your amazing books with us. I really suggest you if they keep doing it, instead of stop writing and gain nothing in return, you could be just as petty and move all of your books somewhere like patreon and set a high charge. At least if they want to complain they gotta pay first.

Also im not writing anonymously because im not a pu$$y like all of you internet’s karen.

I'm very passionate about my stories and it was probably my mistake that I tried to make a conversation about characters and the story itself. It's okay to not like characters, it's okay to mention it when you guys give me feedback and share your reactions! That's totally fine. What I'm trying is to talk to you guys about it, sometimes share my own opinion about it but overall, I'm just trying to have a conversation and interact with you guys. I didn't think me trying to show different perspective in multiple situations means that I love Kiko or root for Kiko/Jungkook. I don't want you to think you can't share your opinions just because I've something say to it, most likely reacting to it. I mean you guys ask questions and send me asks, and I answer and react, right? This is how it should work. 

What the main problem of this entire thing is those disrespectful asks attacking me for characters I'm writing. I might be the author of it, but it's still a story I'm trying to tell. You want to get mad at characters? Okay, so be it. Be mad. But don't be mad at me for trying to talk to you. If someone doesn't like how the story is going, just don't read it. It's very simple. I've lost count how many times I already said this.

I don't cry over those asks, I don't sulk over it and it doesn't bother me the way they probably hope it does. I've my fair share of laughter whenever I read those asks because it's clear it's purely made to harass me. None of those anons couldn't tell me what is the main reason of their asks. I'm just genuinely curious what they want from me or what they expect. On the other hand, as much as I'm trying to understand them, I don't really care. I don't want any negativity on this blog and it's no my problem they keep reading a story they apparently don't like. 

But hey, I still get those reads and they waste their time to send me those asks🤡 who's the real winner here?💅

Anyway, sorry this got long! Thank you so much for this ask, you're really sweet for writing all of this!💜

[softlyjiminie]

the fluff | j.j.k

⇢ pairing(s): idol!jeon jungkook x stylist!reader.

⇢ word count: 1.1K.

⇢ rating: all audiences. 

⇢ genre: fluff, stylist!au, idol!au.

⇢ summary: your job as a stylist brings forward some unsettling news which might cause jungkook to end up in trouble.

⇢ warning(s): please read! brief mention of sex?

⇢ author’s note(s): hello everyone! so ive finished my exams and im hard at work, writing all the unfinished projects i have, heres a little googie fluff! ( this fic has been updated as of 2020!)  )

“jeon jungkook!”

stylists and staff members alike turned their heads to the source of the very voice, syllables of said idol’s name belting out through the building as footsteps pelted against the smooth floor.

the girl herself whizzed past the staff, apologising to figures and forms that she bumped into with small smiles and gentle nods. her breath evened out when she reached the practice room, stomping in without hesitation since the boys were usually on break at this time.

“jeon jungkook!”

seven heads with mops full of colourful hair turned to face YN’s direction, eyes wide with grimaces as jungkook prepared for his fate. he smiled hesitantly at his approaching girlfriend, turning to face her in the twirling chair he had seated by jimin. seokjin, taehyung and namjoon were lying spread out on the floor as they shared a water bottle and light conversation whilst hoseok helped yoongi run over their new steps.

comeback was fast approaching for the boys, and word of finalised looks and choreographies were spreading fast leading to a very unhappy YN. “yes?” jungkook mumbled, as the girl in question slipped into his lap, the angry pout on her lips not seeming to fade away even when he settled his hands on her hips. “am i in trouble?”

“yes, you’ve agreed to something terrible.” she mumbled, nose scrunching when jungkook’s finger came up to boop it.

he gave her a false frown, tilting his head in confusion. “and what might that be, princess?”

“you’re going to cut your hair!”

the maknae frowned at his jimin hyung, who had simply snorted into his book at the girl’s words. his large doe eyes fluttered up to the mahogany curl that kept settling onto his forehead as of the start of last week and hummed. jungkook had been growing his hair since their last comeback for ‘boy with love’ in order to strengthen it for the next time the stylists gave it colour, he would admit that he liked the extra length for several reasons. it didn’t stick out as much, he could roll out of bed without styling it and he definitely liked the way YN’s fingers curled in it when she was about to-

“kook! are you even listening to me?”

said idol quickly snapped from his thoughts to look at his girlfriend, her face contorted into a soft annoyance as jimin continued to snicker in the background. the silver haired male had always been a bit of a trouble maker. “you’re drooling kookie-ah.”

“shut it jimin.” kook grumbled, quietening his hyung with a final ‘aish.’ his gaze quickly settled back on YN who was still staring him down with a fond scowl. “so...youre mad that i’ve agreed to cut my hair? that’s why you marched halfway across the bighit building from your job with the other artists? because im cutting my hair?”

YN let out a low hum. “the stylists talk you know, i came to stop a terrible crime that will not only upset me, but the rest of ARMY as well.”

she stated matter-of-factly, a proud smile on her face as yoongi piped up. “we wouldn’t dream of it.”

poking his tongue in his cheek, jungkook let his gaze fall over his girlfriend once again, a vision of her effortless beautiful coming into view. she’d been grinning down at him, the crinkles near the corners of her eyes shining through and he felt his heart melt a little as he came up to toy with her hair. “can’t have that can we love,” he hummed for a moment, before chuckling for a second. “but would you still love me if i decided to cut my hair anyways?”

“jeongguk,” YN whined, her soft lips forming a pout this time as she bunched her fists in his black t-shirt, eliciting small laughs from the other members. “you can’t cut your hair! as an internal army it is my job to give the fans what they like! and they wouldn’t want you to cut your hair, it would literally devastate the whole fandom. worse than the tullet.”

“the tullet?”

taehyung popped his head up at the mention of the vaguely familiar word. his own hands came up to fist at his freshly dyed red hair, a favourite of his fans. He blinked as he pulled out a strand, much shorter than before. “the tullet.” he whimpered, missing his longer hair.

“tae’s mullet, the tullet. rest in peace.” YN hummed, hand on her chest as she looked to the ceiling. jungkook rolled his eyes from underneath his girlfriend, looking away from her when she caught his look. “jeon jungkook, i will literally run away if you cut your hair.”

“runaway where baby? who would i give my love to then?” the idol countered with a small smirk, running his hands up and down YN’s back as she failed to resist cuddling into him.

she hummed gently, sighing into his chest as exhaustion circulated in her veins. the days as a stylist were just as long for her as jungkook’s practices. being an international stylist meant she had to work just as hard to keep her position and the maknae had always admired her for that. “love to jimin, jikook forever.” she slurred as she rubbed her cheek against his firm chest, eyes closing slightly.

namjoon signalled to the others to head over to the studio for vocal practice and recording sessions. the leader nodded over to jungkook with a soft smile, noticing how YN was slowly falling into a well deserved rest. “we’ll meet up later kook.”

“yes hyung.” the younger mouthed in reply, running a hand through his girlfriend’s hair. he leaned a cheek atop her head, enjoying the comfortable and quiet moment as he breathed in her scent.

YN sighed once more, whispering groggily. “don’ cut your hair googie. wanna play with it like you play with mine.”

the boy smiled, deciding that his girlfriend’s sleepy suggestion was a good enough reason to keep his curls.

[littlemisssquiggles]

Squiggles, im so disappointed in Qrow, Clover and Robyn. Y'all literally have a member of Salem's forces cackling in the background but no. The P L O T decides we need a fight, so everyone's brain cells is gone. Robyn, actually got me mad, you shoot right after you hear word of something Ironwood does? No talking or anything. Just shoot.

*casually takes a long swig of tea* As Alpha 5 from Power Rangers once justly said, ay-yi-yi-yi! Key, m’boi, where do I even begin with the weirdness of this episode in regards to that moment? I’m going to safely call it that since it’s better than what I’ve heard other folks calling it through the grapevine.

Firstly, I have to ask the obvious question—

Why is Tyrian even being transported via regular Atlesian Airship? 

As we learnt at the start of V7CH7, Tyrian is a known criminal—a psychopathic killer wanted for several murders across Anima. So then why was he not being transported by a police airship? Y’know, like the one that was featured in the first and second episode of this season. The same kind of airship that took our heroes up to Atlas? Remember?

So how lucky was Tyrian Callows that Atlas sent a regular airship to transport him up to prison and not the version that’s been customized for transportingdangerous, vicious criminals into military custody such as himself? 

The PLOT was kind enough to highlight this little ship differentiation to us when it was used to unjustly incarcerate our heroes and take them up to Atlas. But now when it would’ve made more sense for Tyrian—THE KNOWN HOMICIDAL CRIMINAL—to be transported via this particular type of airship, especially given his track record…no that’s when they decide to use the regular ship? Y’know NOT the one where the room in the back is actually so cramped and tight; there isn’t much room to move around and do crazy things like…pull weapons on their so-called teammates or have battles and stuff. 

Not to mention that it’s also the one that window that keeps the criminals separated from the pilots in case they might try something fish to escape?

This is why I keep making the PLOT joke. I’ve noticed, especially within this season, that the CRWBY Writers have a tendency to rely a lot on plot conveniences for the sake pushing the story along. One example of this is when the PLOT has characters behave out of character or rather exhibit a type of behaviour that hasn’t been consistent with their personality up until this point so it ends up coming off very weird to the audience.

What bothered me the most about the airship ride wasn’t so much that Robyn, Qrow and Clover had an argument regarding Ironwood’s decision to abandon Mantle. I wasn’t bothered by Robyn got angry about that. It didn’t even bother me so much that Tyrian managed to escape. Nope my issue with this moment was it happened solely out of plot convenience. It was executed this way PURELY FOR THE PLOT.

The PLOT needed Robyn, Clover and Qrow to get into a scuffle so that Robyn would train her arrow on Clover only to have that very same arrow miss her mark and purposely set Tyrian free. Just as how the PLOT conveniently needed our so-called heroes to transport Tyrian up to Atlas Prison in a REGULAR AIRSHIP AND NOT A POLICE AIRSHIP just so Tyrian could easily kill the pilots who were left unprotected by our gaggle of heroes who were too busy fighting each other to watch the very homicidal prisoner they were supposed to escort up to Atlas. This only happened because PLOT.

But inspite of this, that’s not even the part that upset me. 

The part that got me was when Clover and Qrowstarted stupidly fighting each other and…STILL KEPT FIGHTING EACH OTHER EVEN WHEN TYRIAN ESCAPED! 

There is literally a part where TYRIAN AND QROW ARE FIGHTING CLOVER…TOGETHER? And I just…I…I can’t even. I have no words for this moment.

It wasn’t even done in a clever way that would make sense like—Oh I dunno, perhaps….Clover and Qrow drop their previous dispute and gang up on Tyrian to arrest him since he’s the bad guy but Tyrian ends up stinging Qrow and the poison makes Qrow start to hallucinate again and think that Clover was Tyrian and that’s why he and Tyrian are fighting him in this shot?

That would’ve made more sense than TYRIAN AND QROW…FIGHTING CLOVER TOGETHER…SINCE CLOVER TRIED TO ARREST QROW AND INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON FIGHTING TYRIAN…QROW FIGHTS CLOVER?

I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE THAT INSTEAD OF FIGHTING TYRIAN TOGETHER…CLOVER AND QROW STILL FIGHT EACH OTHER WHILE TYRIAN FIGHTS THEM….????!!! 

WHAT?

I have seen the Writers do many things for the SAKE OF THE PLOT that hadoutwardly annoyed me (coughsV6CH9coughs). But this is one of those times when I’m just in awe at what I’m seeing and the decisions being made to achieve the effect the Writers were attempting to make.

And to make things worse for themselves, they go ahead and killed Clover off. Adeath that…to be honest, did not surprise me.

 Is it odd that I felt nothing when Clover got killed? 

Not because I didn’t like his character but…based on how it was handled.

This should’ve been more impactful to me…but instead it wasn’t BECAUSE OF ALL THE NONSENSE THAT HAPPENED TO LEAD US INTO THE POINT. 

I mean….the visual is pretty neat. The art in the shot is pretty nice. I’ll toss them that coin. But…how?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL ANYTHING FOR CLOVER’S DEATH AND HOW IT IMPACTED QROW…WHEN YOU JUST SPENT THE LAST COUPLE OF MINUTES HAVING THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER…EVEN WHEN THE FREAKING ENEMY THAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ARRESTING IS FREE AND NEITHER OF THEM STOP THEIR FIGHTING TO FOCUS ON HIM? 

I mean to be honest; I was expecting Clover to die. And ironically enough, Iexpected him to probably die by Tyrian’s hand. But…not this way. 

NOT in such a STUPID way as what we got.

That’s my gripe. This whole scene. This whole fight. This whole scenario was STUPID! AND IT MADE THE CHARACTERS, PARTICULARLY OUR HERO CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE IDIOTS! 

CHOOSING TO FIGHT EACH OTHER…INSTEAD OF YOUR COMMON ENEMY? BECAUSE…PLOT?

Instead of feeling hurt by this moment, I’m more surprised than anything else. I am in awe that this happened the way it did. And what’s sad is that this episode was written by Eddy and Kiersi. The TWO NEW WRITERS! This was theirepisode. Everything that happened in this episode was of their creation.

People got mad for the weird way that Miles and Kerry wrote things for the sake of the PLOT for the past few seasons of RWBY since V4. Now I’m afraid that Double D and Khaleesi are going to get their own share of comeuppance from the FNDM since they wrote this episode.

Kiersi…Eddy…you were supposed to be the chosen ones. Your addition to the Writing Team was supposed to put an end to all the weirdness in the writing of RWBY. Instead you’ve joined it.

Sorry if I sound overdramatic here. I’m not mad at this scene from the episode. I’m more stunned than anything else.

Just…stunned.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2020)

[resplendentroses324]

Finally cooled off a reasonable amount to gather my thoughts.

THAT EPISODE WAS ABOUT TO BE SO PHENOMENAL. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS GOING PHENOMENALLY.

THEN THEY CHOSE TO HAVE TWO SEASONED, PROFESSIONAL HUNTSMAN WHO /KNOW/ SALEM’S GOAL IS FIRST AND FOREMOST TO DIVIDE, FIGHT EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF TAKING CARE OF THE FUCKING SERIAL KILLER FIRST.

The 2v1 on Robyn and Qrow vs Clover? Sure, and they were actually pretty close to resolving that and everyone calming down. Even the 1v1v1 of Qrow Tyrian and Clover? SURE I GUESS Clover just HAS to make arresting Qrow a priority as well as RECAPTURING THE KILLER. But the fucking 2v1 of Tyrian and Qrow vs Clover was SO STUPID. You needed THREE HUNTSMAN to originally capture him! You’re down Robyn, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY HAVE BOTH QROW AND CLOVER ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO TAKE OUT THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO COULD FIGHT TYRIAN WITH HIM AND PROBABLY WIN.

(The rest of this post has been edited from what it once was to be a little more analytical of the characters in-show choices, but let the record show that I still HATE how the show did this and the writing was still bad for Qrow this episode. I’m reeling. Fucking TYRIAN. Seriously. )

Qrow I can KINDA understand because it’s a “do i fight both people who are trying to come at me at once or do I accept the offer to get at least one of them out of the way so I can handle the other” situation, and Clover definitely brought that on himself by refusing to stop going after Qrow.

If Qrow had given himself up to Clover he’d have been arrested and it would have left Clover to fight Tyrian by himself, but if Clover had given himself up to Qrow they could have taken Tyrian together and finished their shit later. THAT’S on Clover. Clover didn’t even give Qrow the option. Granted I’m sure Qrow could have said “you can arrest me after we deal with HIM” and then just...say sike afterwards.

Qrow’s biggest fault here is just not fucking paying attention. Qrow shouldn’t have trusted Tyrian even minimally to take out Clover without killing him. I mean did he really expect the serial killer to....not kill him?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME THO, CRWBY DIDNT HAVE TO FUCKING WRITE IT LIKE THAT EITHER. IT’S /SUPER/ BULLSHIT THAT THE ONLY OPTION THEY GAVE QROW WAS TO TEAM UP WITH TYRIAN THE FUCKING SERIAL KILLER THAT TRIED TO KILL HIM AND RUBY

Somewhat props to Qrow and Clover for trying to diffuse the situation innitially in favor of DEALING WITH THE KILLER FIRST and going to Atlas to sort things out with James. But uh, I haven’t liked Robyn since the beginning and honestly it’s her fucking fault for this by refusing to back off of Clover even though he and Qrow were ON TRACK AND WILLING to cooperate with each other to get to Atlas safely and deal with Tyrian. But she just wouldn’t give it up. I like characters, especially women, that fight for the people as much as the next guy but Robyn’s tactics (while it’s valid and necessary to resort to stealing and violence when up against oppression) has ALWAYS been to pick fights. Even when talking things out, she just has this attitude with people that she wants to pick a fight with them and it’s been super annoying. Since Clover initially wouldn’t tell her abt Amity she’s consistently been refusing to listen or hear other people out and try to cooperate even after Blake and Yang confided in her. But still when it all went to shit Clover should have given up on apprehending Qrow to, idk, FUCKING FIGHT THE KILLER.

Y’ALL WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WANTING TO BE FRIENDS SO BAD JUST FUCKING BE FUCKING FRIENDS FOR THE TWO MINUTES YOU’D NEED TO DEAL WITH TYRIAN AND THEN FIGHT EACH OTHER.

But calming down. I’m not really gonna call this one a Bury Your Gays, and while I’m as tired of it as the rest of you as a gay person, and fucking pissed that this is what they chose to do with Clover and a new relationship with some of the most potential, we all have to remember that from a hard standpoint this volume was already written and done with before we got our hands on the ship, and if they really were intending on the friends thing at first, they couldn’t just rework the volume’s whole ending to appease some tidbits that people saw between two characters. But I’m still angry, they still could have done it different. But I’m numb to it and not gonna cry over spilled milk and accuse the show writers of all kinds of bullshit because it’s not worth it. What’s done is done. I hope they do better.

But Clover was also scraping the barrel on our part for the rep, WE’re the ones that hyped him up and he was set up as a trusted loyal ally of Ironwood from the beginning and we’re all acting surprised that he made his choices.

We were all HOPING Clover wouldn’t follow Ironwood, but it’s not like we were seriously lead to believe he would, and Clover’s choice to blindly follow got him killed in an unfortunate circumstance. He walked and talked like he was completely loyal to Ironwood and if he wasn’t going to (surprise) be completely loyal to Ironwood, they would have built that hesitance and questioning up more. Fuck, MARROW was more hesitant to fight than Clover was.

That being said, what I am most upset and kind of mad about was how cruel it was for them to rescind all of Qrow’s growth and budding happiness, even if it was just in finding a good friend, one that had good luck and he didn’t really have to worry about him getting hurt by his misfortune. Someone who actually forced Qrow to see the good things he’s done and should be rewarded for when pretty much everyone has been putting him down up until now. While real life struggles like addiction ARE an on and off fight, In fiction it can get repetetive and somethings NEED to be put behind characters and resolved. If Qrow goes back to drinking Season 8’s gonna look a lot like season 6 but worse for our birb and with stakes rising and bigger fish to fry I don’t think anyone will have the patience to help him this time

100% pleased with every other part of the episode, ESPECIALLY Winter and Penny, the complexity of those two’s interactions was very intriguing and hopefully if not them, SOMEONE will fucking kill Cinder next week because she hasn’t been interesting as a villain since Volume 4. 100% pleased with RWBY vs the Ace Ops. Wasn’t expecting Elm to go off so hard. I like that RWBY has confidence in themselves and have proven they really aren’t just students or children anymore and that they can and will hold their own and they’ll win too. They’ve improved so well as fighters and I think the establishment of them as the strongest is key for why they’re the heroes of the story. If they weren’t going to end up as the best why would focus on them and not a more powerful group to oppose Cinder. AND proving that their bonds are what gave them that victory. The Ace Ops were demolished the second there was even a fraction of dissonance in them because they refused to be friends and cooperate and trust each other beyond their jobs, so their teamwork crumbled because Marrow and even slightly Vine were hesitant while Harriet and Elm were off the walls. Other than that, im maybe .5% pleased with THAT whole...Thing, ONLY because they were actually on their way to calming down and backing off before Tyrian crashed the plane.

It was 99% phenomenal and 1% bad choices but the gravity of that choice made the episode like, 20% less enjoyable than it should have been over all.

Here’s hoping that good luck kicks in and Clover still has a chance.

[starrystarrybabe]

Oh, How the Mighty Fall [In Love] CHAPTER SIX (Ben Hardy x OC)

CHAPTER ONE, CHAPTER TWO, CHAPTER THREE, CHAPTER FOUR, CHAPTER FIVE

Lily Anne Mercury is brought in to help with Bohemian Rhapsody at the request of her Uncle Bri and Uncle Rog, and along the way, she might meet someone to share her life with. The only problem with this is that while their friends and the world can see that they’re perfect for each other, they’re going to be fully blind to this for a while.

DISCLAIMER: I’m fully aware that it would’ve been physically impossible for Jim and Freddie to have a child even with this method during the time they were alive, but the idea of Freddie as a dad and the idea of how his child would turn out to be was just too sweet for me to not write.

Hello, everyone! I’m currently writing this to make sure I don’t have a panic attack thinking about all the schoolwork I have to do. It’s finals season and a bitch is stressed. My brain needs a break from all the work I’ve been doing. I hope y’all enjoy this chapter and plz send me messages about the fic or feel free to submit content you want to make regarding the fic and the characters in it!

-- casey

TRIGGERS: implied sex, familial judgment, relapsing, cursing

FACECLAIMS:

Kelly Gale as Lily Anne Mercury

Sira P. Kante as Ezichi Adebayo

Erika Linder as Bronwyn Ryan-Hughes

Bree Kish as Madigan Ryan-Hughes

Lily Anne is a very work-oriented woman. She’s always bound and determined not to waste a single minute, and tries to do as much as she can in one day as humanly possible.

For this reason, she made a recording studio both underneath Garden Lodge and learned how to sound mix and use music making technology for herself, because she does not want to depend on someone else to create the songs for herself and her band.

It is a tradition for everyone in Room 301 to basically move in during the recording time. They’ve done it for years now, and it maximizes efficiency and the amount of content they can produce.

Ezichi is an early riser and often wakes up before the rest of the band, cooking them breakfast and making them tea. She even takes requests from the rest of the band as to what they want to eat and will take out Reykja for a walk before she goes out to pick up the ingredients.

Naturally, Lily Anne is confused by Reykja’s insistent paws pushing her cheek at the crack of dawn instead of Ezichi’s. She even leaves the bedroom door open so that the puppy can jump up on the bed and wake her. When Lily Anne walks out of her room with her tiny dog, she’s confused by the closed door, but figures that maybe Ezichi was worn out and just needed her sleep. It’s understandable that she would get tired of waking up so early.

When Bron and Madi come downstairs two hours later expecting breakfast made by their favorite guitarist and find that the food has been prepared by their frontwoman instead, something is clearly not right.

Lily Anne knocks on Ezichi’s door. “Ezichi? Are you alright?”

She hears the rustling of sheets and a grumble in response.

Lily frowns. “Do you need Advil or something?”

She then hears quieted voices and leans in to try and hear what is being said, and raises a brow when she catches fragments of cursing.

Ezichi clears her throat and speaks up. “N-no, but I could use a cup of tea. My voice feels a little raw.”

Lily presses her lips together before looking down at the cup in her hand. She takes her tea the same way as Ezichi, with soy milk and one sugar packet, and figures that Ezichi could use the cup more than her. “I have a cup right here, I’ll just bring it inside.”

She turns the handle and before Ezichi can protest, enters the room.

A bra falls on her head from the doorway above her, and she takes it off, looking over to see Ezichi with the rumpled covers held up to her chest and her braids out of their usual bonnet, in a mussed up bun. Her underwear is in front of Lily Anne’s slippered feet, and next to her is Gwil, looking away with a beet red face.

He looks at Lily Anne and nods, acknowledging her presence.

Lily Anne nods, back, face neutral. “Hey, Gwil.”

“Hi, Lily,” he replies quietly.

Lily purses her lips and puts the teacup on Ezichi’s bedside table, looking at her friend and giving her a tight-lipped smile.

“Sorry, Lily. I should’ve told you, but you were beyond angry at one of Bron’s song ideas, and I figured--” she begins apologetically, before getting cut off by Lily Anne’s dismissive wave.

“It’s alright, darling. We’re all adults here.” She turns to leave the room and pauses in the doorway. “Anything you two want? Tea? Food? Plan B?”

Gwil speaks up, smiling bashfully at Lily Anne. “Earl Grey tea with one packet of sugar would be just fine.”

Lily Anne nods, leaning against the doorway. “Anything else?”

Ezichi looks down, rubbing the back of her neck with the hand not holding up her covers. “Scrambled eggs and a Plan B, please.”

Lily nods, turning to go downstairs. “Got it. It’ll all be downstairs when you’re ready. I’ll just… close this.” She closes the door and heads downstairs to the kitchen, sitting down and resting her chin in her hand.

Madigan looks over at Lily. “Is she alright?”

Lily nods. “Her and Gwil should be down shortly.”

Bron snorts into her cup of tea, grinning. “I told you that we weren’t the only ones shagging, Mads.”

Lily makes herself another cup of tea to distract herself from the sudden urge to light a cigarette. “You’re washing the sheets, not me, alright?”

Bron smirks at her wife. “They could handle a little more liquid before they need to go in the wash.”

Madigan winks at her wife, and Lily Anne’s face squints up in disgust. “Jesus, Bron! I know it’s happening but I don’t need that much detail.”

The pair giggles and Lily Anne shakes her head. She’d kill for a cigarette right now.

---

Lily Anne throws down her headphones, rubbing her temples as she listens to the track of her singing. She’s tried to make this line sound perfect twenty times already, but it just isn’t coming out right, and she’s at the end of her rope.

“It sounds great, Lily! Can we just move on?” Bron asks from her reclined position on the couch, her head in her wife’s lap.

Lily shakes her head, turning around to face her. “No! It sounds like garbage, Bron. It’s not right yet. How do you not notice it?”

Ezichi and Madi look at each other, and Ezichi speaks up. “It’s good, Lily. I don’t see why you’re so upset about it.”

Lily Anne wrings her hands, groaning and covering her face.

Madigan stands up, placing a hand on Lily’s shoulder. “Why don’t we move on to another song, Lily? What about that one you just wrote?”

Lily looks up at her friend. “Which one?”

Madi smiles. “The one you named Waiting Room.”

Lily groans. “I can’t do that right now, or I swear to god I might cry.”

Ezichi shrugs. “That track could be really good, though! You’re in the right mood to sing it.”

Bron sits up. “Who knows? You could have a voice crack like in Gimme Shelter!”

Lily sighs, rubbing her eyes. “I guess… I’m just in a mood today. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with me like this, darlings.”

Ezichi hugs her friend from behind, resting her chin on the shorter woman’s shoulder. “It’s no problem, Lily. We put up with it because we love you unconditionally.”

Just then, Lily gets a text, and pulls out her phone.

Jamal (#1 cousin): are you coming to the reunion today? a bunch of cousins from Zanzibar are coming over to visit.

Jamal is her cousin, and one of her favorite members of her biological family. Lily frowns at the text. She didn’t get any notification that her family was getting together today before now.

Lily Anne: i didnt know this was happening. your mom didn’t say anything about it to me when we spoke last.

Jamal (#1 cousin): they made plans for this literally a week ago. she probably got stressed and forgot to tell you.

Lily Anne: got it. what time is this happening? i should probably do it just to get a break from recording. it’s been a rough day in the studio and nothing good is coming out from me.

Lily Anne looks to her bandmates. “Apparently there’s a family reunion today of my Indian relatives. I should probably go, I haven’t seen them in a while.”

Ezichi removes herself from Lily Anne and raises a brow. “Are you sure? The last time you saw all those people was at your grandmother’s funeral, and that went less than well.”

Lily Anne nods, closing her eyes. “I know, I know… but I’m not doing myself any good wasting time here, and maybe they’ve chosen to be a little less judgemental since Auntie Kash told them off then.”

Madigan sighs, looking over at Lily. “I don’t think going will do you any good, but I’m sure Kashmira and Jamal will appreciate you being there. I know Jer would appreciate it as well.”

Lily nods, smiling. “She always did like seeing me at family events.”

Her phone buzzes again.

Jamal (#1 cousin): it’s in three hours. If you’d like to come early, im sure mom would be happy to help you with your sari and catch up with you. i know i’d love to have some time with you as well before all hell breaks loose.

Lily Anne: got it. I’ll pack up my stuff and be over in a little bit.

Jamal (#1 cousin): great! i’ll tell my mom.

Lily stands up, sighing. “I’m going to the reunion. If you guys want to make music, feel free to record whatever you want, but I am going to take a shower and head on over to my Auntie Kash’s house as soon as possible.”

Ezichi, Bron, and Madi nod, smiling at their friend.

“We’ll record some of the backing tracks and drum lines today. Have fun!” Madi says, smiling.

Lily smiles back at her and leaves the room, pausing at the top of the stairs as she hears her bandmates talking.

“She’s in a mood because she didn’t come last night like the rest of us,” Bronwyn says.

Lily Anne frowns and shouts downstairs. “You’re an absolute wanker, Bron!”

“At least I’m not a sexually frustrated one!” Bron shouts back up at her.

Lily Anne stomps away, slamming the door with a huff.

She really wants a cigarette.

---

When she gets to Kashmira’s house, she knocks on the door, holding a bag with her sari inside of it. Her cousin Jamal opens the door and grins, hugging her. She gladly hugs him back.

“You’ve been a stranger as of late,” Jamal says when they pull apart. He points to her arm. “Is that a new tattoo?”

Lily Anne nods, smiling. “It is! I got it in New York after performing at Madison Square Garden, in memory of Jim and Freddie. It’s a tree-mallow and a zinnia.”

Jamal smiles, admiring the tattoo. “I like it. Were those their favorite flowers?”

Lily Anne nods, smiling. “Yep. Tree-mallow was Jim’s, and zinnias were Freddie’s.”

1994

Lily Anne sits in the dirt with a large sunhat on, making a small hole in the ground as her father coaches her through how to do it.

“Now what we do is we-- no, we don’t put a worm in the pocket of our overalls, put him back in the hole-- we put in the seeds,” Jim says, placing five zinnia seeds into Lily’s open palm as he takes the squirming creature and puts it in the dirt. “Drop them in, love.”

Lily Anne does as she’s told, and looks up at her father with big brown eyes. “What next, Daddy?”

Jim smiles and points to the pile of dirt next to the hole. “Take the dirt and cover the seeds, and pat it all in.”

Lily Anne nods and takes handfuls of dirt in her tiny hands, putting it back in the hole and using one hand to pat in the dirt gently. Then, Jim leans down and waters the dirt, and Lily Anne giggles, putting her hands out to turn the dirt on her fingers into mud. She does this and laughs, rubbing her hands together and clapping, splattering her face and overalls with specks of mud. She then looks up at her father, eyes wide.

“Whoops,” she says, lisping on the ‘s’. “Sorry, Daddy. I ruined my overalls.”

Jim smiles, shaking his head. “Don’t worry, flower. Gardening is all about getting messy. We can wash the overalls.”

Jim would call his daughter flower, since she was not only named after one, but Freddie loved watching Jim plant different kinds of flowers and take care of them. They named her Lily because that was the first flower Jim ever planted at Garden Lodge. It seemed only fitting to call this lovely little girl flower.

Lily Anne smiles wide, and puts some dirt on her cheeks, giggling. She loves getting messy, and this is one activity where she won’t get scolded for getting her clothes dirty. She’ll take advantage of the opportunity to go wild in the dirt if her dad allows it.

Jim laughs, holding her wrists. “Not that messy, flower! Let’s get you cleaned up, alright?”

Lily Anne giggles, and hugs her father as he picks her up, bringing her inside.

---

“Daddy?” Lily Anne asks, abandoning her rubber ducky to face her father.

“What is it, flower?” Jim asks, putting shampoo in his hands to wash her hair. He gestures for her to turn around, and she does.

“What kinda flower did we plant today?” she asks, facing the mirrored wall. She can see her father’s face become soft, and a smile graces his lips.

“We planted a zinnia flower, love,” he tells her as he begins lathering up her hair.

“Is that the yellow one you always grow?” she asks, smiling.

Jim nods, and uses cups of water to wash out the suds in her hair. “Yes, it is. You’re very smart, flower.”

Lily Anne grins, revealing a smile with teeth that are beginning to grow in every direction.

Jim looks at the photo of Freddie he has on the toilet seat beside him before looking down at his daughter. “Do you know why we plant zinnia flowers, Lily?”

Lily purses her lips, her little face scrunching up in concentration. After a few moments, she shakes her head. “No, Daddy. Did you tell me why already?”

Jim thinks for a moment before shaking his own head. “No, I don’t think I have, flower.” He washes his hands in the bath water before grabbing her conditioner. “We plant zinnias because they were your Papa’s favorite flower.”

Lily Anne turns, grinning. “Really?”

Jim smiles and nods, beginning to lather up her hair again. “Yes, Lily.”

Lily smiles, and becomes quiet after a moment, resting her chin on her knees. Her facial expression changes to one of deep thought, and she blinks, looking down. Jim becomes concerned and once he’s done washing out the conditioner in her hair, gently takes one of her cheeks in his hand and turns her to face him.

“What is it, flower? You’re thinking very loudly,” he asks, sitting cross-legged on the fuzzy bath mat to be eye level with her.

“Did Papa see me plant that flower?” she asks.

Jim takes a moment to think and smiles gently at his daughter. “I think he did.”

Her eyes light up, and she moves quickly, splashing Jim in the process. Her chin rests on the edge of the tub. “Did I make him happy?”

Jim nods, holding out a towel for his daughter. “You always make him happy, flower.”

She climbs out of the tub and lets her father wrap the warm towel around her, giggling when he begins to dry her hair. “No matter how old and wrinkly I get, I’ll still make him happy?”

Jim nods, wrapping a towel around her hair. “You will always make him happy, Lily Anne.”

Lily looks up at her father. “Will I always make you happy, Daddy?”

Jim kisses her cheek. “Of course, flower. You could never disappoint me.”

Lily smiles as her Aunt Kashmira helps her with her sari, pleating the black fabric around her waist. She’s been catching up with her aunt and holds back a giggle as the older woman’s hands touch her sensitive waist.

Kashmira smiles, looking at her niece fondly. “You’re almost thirty years old and you’re still as ticklish as you were when you were a child.”

Lily Anne grins and allows her aunt to place the fabric over her shoulder, smoothing it out. “I’m almost thirty years old and I still can’t put on my own bloody sari.”

Kashmira shrugs and hands Lily Anne some heavy gold bracelets to put on her wrists. “Saris can be difficult. Especially this one. Your grandmother always did like the more delicate garments.”

Lily Anne nods, and looks in the mirror, admiring herself in Jer’s sari. “Didn’t my Papa help her pick out this one?”

Kashmira nods, smiling fondly. “That he did. She thought that the black with the gold and red would be too much, but Freddie told her that it would help her fit in at his concerts.”

Lily puts on some of Jer’s old earrings, and the gold ornaments dangle heavily on her lowest piercings, causing her to wince. “I always forget how bloody heavy these damn earrings are.”

Kashmira passes a large nose ring to Lily and smiles. “Here’s the final touch to your outfit, dear.”

Lily groans, but puts in the nose ring anyways, looking at herself in the mirror. “Auntie Kash, you’ve made me look like a proper Indian woman.”

Kashmira nods. “I may have gone overboard, but with the whole family coming….” She looks down, concerned. “They’ll still judge you, but at least you’re dressed like you just got off the plane from Zanzibar.”

Lily sighs, looking over at her aunt and holding her hands. “I appreciate you making me look the part, but between the two fathers, my unorthodox career choice, and the fact that I’m only half Indian, one outfit won’t make me any less of the family disappointment. But your efforts are appreciated.”

Kashmira looks tiredly at Lily, squeezing her hands. “I just want a calm family reunion without any drama.”

Lily squeezes her aunt’s hands back and smiles apologetically. “It won’t go down that way and we all know it, Auntie Kash.”

Kashmira nods before groaning, shaking her head. “Oh, shit.”

Lily frowns. “What is it?”

Kash sighs, rubbing her temples. “They have a new reason to throw a fit.”

Lily looks down, pursing her lips before her eyes widen in fear. “Oh, no. Is Jamal dating a non-Indian girl?”

Kashmira shakes her head. “No. But the tabloids have caught wind that you’re dating a non-Indian boy.”

Lily rolls her eyes, groaning. “First of all, the tabloids are full of bollocks. I’m not dating anyone at the moment.”

Kash raises a brow and crosses her arms. “Then what is your relationship with that Hardy boy? Because it looks pretty romantically charged to me.”

Lily sits on her aunt’s bed. “We’re just friends, Auntie Kash. No more, no less.”

Kashmira looks at her niece skeptically. “I heard that you two are trying to quit smoking together from Brian.”

Lily nods, looking up at the older woman. “That’s true! We are. So far, we haven’t broken, and it’s been a few months.”

Kash is quiet for a moment and sits down next to her niece. “I’ve also heard from Roger that when you weren’t on set, he was very much upset about it.”

Lily Anne scoffs. “Roger is full of bollocks and we all know it.”

Kashmira looks over at Lily. “The account was confirmed by Brian.”

Lily puts her head in her hands, groaning. “We’re just friends! That’s all! Friends who try to quit smoking together and spend hours in my garden talking about our issues, and walk our dogs together once or twice a week when we’re both around! That’s all we’ll ever be!” She looks up at Kashmira, hunched over.

Kashmira takes a moment before rubbing Lily Anne’s back. “That song you wrote--”

“Was about him. Yes. I wasn’t exactly subtle, and he still hasn’t made a move. Joe told me that he’s in love with me, but until I hear it from him, I will not get my hopes up.” Lily Anne huffs, shaking her head.

“Have you ever considered making the first move?” Kash asks gently.

Lily Anne looks at her aunt like she’s crazy. “And risk getting my heart broken? Hell fucking no! I’ve been there, done that, and I hated it. I give it a zero out of ten.”

Kash sighs, looking down at her niece. “Listen. I don’t know this boy, but he seems very nice, and different from the other men you’ve dated before. I think he’s just scared.”

Lily Anne stands up, gesturing to herself. “I am an average twenty-nine-year-old, racially ambiguous woman with a meager height of five foot two. I sage my bloody house and garden daily like an old woman. I go to an animal shelter once a week to pet all the animals. What’s so scary about me?”

Kashmira looks up at her niece. “You are a stunning young woman with a voice gifted to you from the gods and a stage presence that is one of the most powerful of any artists in this time. You’ve been through hell and back and haven’t given up when most would. You project confidence and do things that most people only dream of. Yes, you garden and go to animal shelters and aren’t physically imposing, but that makes everything else you do even more impressive. You’re special, Lily.”

Lily rolls her eyes, “No--”

“Yes. You are. Most everyone can see it. He sees it, and he’s afraid that he makes a move, he might lose it. Think about this, Lily: if he asks you and you say yes, he gains the world. If he asks you and you reject him, he loses the world. Would you so easily gamble the world?” Kashmira puts her hands on Lily’s shoulders, forcing her to look at her.

“...no,” Lily replies quietly. “Aunt Kash, I would buy the whole bloody world for him. He deserves it. But I thought the same thing about Frank, and look how that ended.”

Kashmira sighs, smiling gently. “Ben is different. You know it in your heart that he is.”

Lily rests her head on her aunt’s shoulder and lets the woman hug her before she hears the doorbell ring. Kashmira pulls away and fixes Lily’s hair.

“Lily?”

“Hm?”

“At least consider making a move, alright?”

“Alright, Auntie Kash.”

---

Lily Anne greets her cousins, a fake smile plastered on her face. It’s hurting her cheeks to keep this up. She’s ignored two comments about her weight, three comments about a gray hair, and five comments about her tattoos so far. The key is to take the compliments about the sari and block out the backhanded aspects of them. The family is sat around a coffee table, and cups of tea are being handed out by Jamal and Kash.

“Lily Anne, how are you? I heard that your band is nominated for some awards this year?” one of Lily’s older family members asks, smiling at her.

“I’m good. Everything is going pretty well, and yes, we are probably going to be nominated for some awards. The album did very well,” she responds, smiling.

“I also heard that the album is about your upbringing. I certainly hope you mentioned your Zanzibarian roots in some of the music,” a cousin named Kira asks.

This one is particularly bothersome and has always rubbed it in Lily Anne’s face that she is the better Indian girl, and the family is more proud of her than Lily.

“Yes, Kira. It is. I have a whole song in our mother tongue, and if you listened to my album, you’d know that,” Lily says, eyes flashing in anger.

Kira lifts her nose, sipping her tea. “I don’t listen to rock and roll. No offense to you, Lily, but a genre of music that glorifies crude behavior and encourages… questionable life choices are not what I want to expose myself or my children to.”

Lily Anne is about to respond but feels Kash squeeze her shoulder. She sips her tea instead, quieting down as the conversation continues.

“Lily, do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you chose a less risky profession?” Kira’s mother asks, looking at Lily with concern.

“Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn’t married someone twice your age just to please your family?” Lily snaps back, sipping her tea.

One of her male cousins groans, rubbing his forehead. “Lily, we say this because we love you--”

“Bullshit!” Lily exclaims, putting down her cup. “The only ones in this family who truly love me are Kashmira, Jamal, and Jer.”

“Don’t curse in front of my children, Lily!” Kira exclaims, wrapping an arm around her little girl. “Don’t listen to her, my love. She’s just overreacting.”

Lily looks at the girl and puts down her teacup. “Darling, let me ask you a question.”

The little girl looks over and nods in approval. “What is it, Lily?”

“Answer me honestly, love. Do you want to grow up and be a housewife like your mother?”

The girl bites her lip before shaking her head. “No. I want to be a scientist, Lily.”

Lily nods. “Alright. If you get married, do you want to choose your husband or wife?”

The girl nods, and smiles. Her eyes light up. “Yes!”

“Alright! One more question, baby girl: do you want to express yourself with cool clothes and art?”

The girl bounces on the couch, grinning. “Yes! I want to have lots of overalls and sweaters and wear sparkly nail polish!”

Kira squeezes her daughter and the girl’s face falls. She leans back against the couch, quieting down. The tension is thick, and Kashmira clears her throat.

“There are some toys in the other room if you kids want to play with them. Go have fun, kids!” She says, watching as the children run off to play.

When the kids leave the room, one of Lily’s older cousins looks at her with a harsh glare. “That was ridiculous, Lily. You’re acting like a child.”

Lily scoffs, standing up. “At least I’m not acting like a wanker. Children are open-minded, and they love openly and have all these wonderful dreams, and wankers try to shut them down. So yes, I may be acting like a child, but children don’t reject people who need love and support just because of their sexuality or profession. Wankers, however, do just that.”

She moves to be in front of everyone, and spreads out her arms, gesturing to herself. “I am a person who despite all her flaws deserves support and love from a good family, and I have found a wonderful family in Roger and Brian, and my wonderful band members. So was Freddie. But because he wasn’t a perfect Indian boy, you left him out in the dust.”

“We care about tradition—“ Kira begins, glaring at her cousin.

“Fuck tradition!” Lily Anne exclaims with a barking laugh. “When has tradition ever been better than compassion and unconditional love? Jer, Bomi, and Kash bucked tradition, and they ended up being close with my Papa, who blessed them with his talents and generously provided for them if they needed it. All you greedy bastards expect me to help you out because I have money, and to do it because we’re related, but I am in no way obligated to help a group of wankers who have never done the same for me. So take your tradition and your judgment and shove it up your asses, because I won’t tolerate it anymore.” Lily Anne turns to Kash and Jamal, sighing. “I’m sorry. But I need to get away from these people before I give in to my desire to drink a gallon of bleach. I’m glad you thought of me, but I’m clearly not a valued member of this family.”

Kashmira nods, hugging her niece. “Thank you for giving it another go, at least.”

Lily smiles at her aunt. “I’ll meet up with you another time.”

Jamal hugs her and she grins, kissing his cheek. “Feel free to call me whenever, alright?”

Jamal nods, smiling. “Of course. I’ll let you know when I’m free to meet up.”

Lily nods, and as she leaves the room, she looks at the stunned Indians and hisses at them. “You make me proud to have the last name Mercury. I’d rather die than live as a Bulsara because of you all.”

The door slams behind her and she huffs, getting into her G-Wagon and letting out an anguished scream.

She wants a cigarette so fucking badly. She can’t take this anymore.

She then remembers that there’s a spare pack of Marlboros in her glove compartment and before the rational side of herself can act, she opens her glove compartment and takes out the pack and a lighter, fumbling with a cigarette and placing it between her lips.

As she lights it, she feels a wave of guilt and disappointment wash over her. She’s failed herself, and most of all, she’s failed Ben. She could throw up from guilt right now, but something about meeting with her family just put her over the edge.

She puffs on her cigarette and quickly inhales the entire thing before chucking the butt of the vile thing out the window and following that up with chucking out the whole box before speeding away.

She has to call Ben and face him, and she has to tell this to him to his face because she has fucked up so badly and he deserves nothing less than that. Parked in front of a random house in a suburb, she calls Ben with shaking hands, blinking back tears. He answers within five rings, and she’s faced with him on the phone screen, reclining on his couch with Frankie in his arms.

“Hi, Lil. How are you?” He asks, smiling. “I like the nose ring and the sari.”

She bites her lip, looking down and running a hand through her hair. “Th-Thanks. I wore it to a family event today.” Her voice cracks.

Ben frowns, and sits up, examining Lily Anne’s face. “I’m guessing that it didn’t go well?”

Lily Anne looks up, wiping her eyes. “Worse than it usually does.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Lily Anne sniffles, leaning back in the driver’s seat. “My nasty cousin Kira— she’s a real bitch, always has been-- and the rest of my extended family chose to openly judge me about my life choices and then claim that it’s only because they love me and are concerned for me, but that’s horseshit and I fucking know it.”

Ben nods, biting his lip. “So… I will admit that I don’t know much about your culture, but I can guess that it’s not very supportive of queer people, tattooed people, or entertainers.”

Lily Anne nods. “I got judged for all of the above. Throw in some more guilt tripping and you’ve got the whole picture of why I’m seen as a family disappointment.”

Ben sighs. “Jesus, Lily. I’m so sorry.”

Lily Anne begins to tear up, shaking her head. “I-I don’t know why I thought it would be different, but I just wanted to see if my family would finally accept me, but—“ she shakes her head, tears beginning to fall. “Nothing changed. It just got worse.”

Ben looks at her sympathetically and wants nothing more than to wrap her up in a hug and let her cry it out. “I’m so sorry, Lily. You deserve a better family than that, and you have so many people supporting you other than them. Their opinion doesn’t matter.”

Lily nods, her hands shaking. “I know. But something in me snapped, and-- and…” she begins sobbing. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I fucked up so badly. I broke my promise to you.”

Ben looks at Lily Anne through the screen with nothing but empathy in his eyes. She wipes tears from her own eyes, sniffling. “It’s alright, Lily. You’re only human.”

Lily wipes her eyes, shaking her head. “But I made a promise to you--”

“We both knew it was possible for one of us to break. Or for both of us to break. Addiction is hard, and sometimes we relapse. It’s alright, Lily. I’m not mad at you. I get why you did it.”

Lily Anne looks at Ben and sniffles, wiping her nose. “I just… I’m so upset. I cussed up a storm, caused a scene, relapsed, and to top it all off, I didn’t even get to eat everything I wanted to!”

Ben takes a hand through his hair and lets out a little laugh. “Today really hasn’t been your day, has it?”

Lily Anne laughs as well, wiping her eyes. “Yeah, it hasn’t.” She begins laughing after a moment, covering her mouth.

Ben smiles. “What’s so funny?”

Lily grins. “I’m so beyond sad and angry that I just have to laugh, and I can’t believe that I’m still so bloody upset about not having any food!”

Ben laughs as well, leaning back on his couch. “What food do you like?”

Lily smiles, wiping mascara from under her eyes. “There’s a place in London that I love called Indian Palace, and it has the best tikki masala, chicken korma, biryani, roti, and samosas that I can get without going to Kash’s house. At this point, they know my order by heart, and all I need to do is call and they know what to make.”

Ben nods, smiling. “I’ve never had most of those dishes before. I’d like to try them.”

Lily grins at him, snickering. “Most of it would be too spicy for your tastebuds, darling. Even mild would hurt you.”

Ben scoffs. “Listen, Mercury. I can handle some spice in my food.”

Lily shakes her head. “Not like Indian spices.”

They both take some time to compose themselves, and Lily Anne takes a deep breath.

“Do you feel better now?” Ben asks gently.

Lily nods, smiling. “Yes. Thank you for being so understanding and cheering me up, Ben. I appreciate it.”

Ben shrugs. “I know you’d do the same for me. If I can help you out in any way, I always will.”

Lily smiles, nodding. “The same goes for me. If you ever need anything, you know what number to call.”

Ben nods before frowning as Frankie barks. “Frankie, what’s going on? I’ll walk you in five minutes, girl.” He turns back to the camera apologetically. “I’m so sorry, Lily. Frankie is being impatient.”

Lily shrugs, smiling. “It’s alright. Go walk her and give her a treat for me. Thanks for talking with me, Ben.”

Ben smiles. “It’s no problem. I’ll see you soon, alright?”

Lily Anne nods and ends the call, sighing and leaning back in her car.

She listens to Leather and Lace on repeat until she gets home.

---

Ben walks into the little Indian restaurant the next day, and a hostess comes up to him, smiling.

“Welcome to Indian Palace! Are you waiting on anyone or would you like a table for one?” She asks, preparing to pick up a menu.

“Actually, I’d like to order something to go,” he says.

The hostess pulls out a notepad, smiling. “Of course! What would you like?”

He looks down at the notes on his phone. “I tried to remember everything she said she liked from here, but I can’t. She’s a regular customer here, though.”

The hostess nods. “What’s her name? I’m sure we know her usual order.”

“Lily Anne Mercury. She’s a friend of mine,” Ben says.

The hostess grins. “We love Lily! I know exactly what to get her, don’t you worry.” She begins writing down an order. “She’s the best, isn’t she?”

Ben nods. “She is. Also, she had a really bad day yesterday and didn’t get to eat any of her aunt’s Indian food, so if you could add what you feel she’d enjoy, I’d appreciate that greatly. I don’t care how much it is, as long as it makes her happy I’ll pay for it.”

The hostess nods and adds a few more items to the order. “Alright. Sit down and it should be ready in twenty minutes. It’s really nice that you’re doing this for her, and we’ll make her our top priority.”

Ben nods and sits in a booth, waiting for the food. The order is large and he doesn’t know what most of it is, but he doesn’t care. He trusts that the restaurant will take good care of Lily. All he has to do is be the deliverer of the food.

Twenty minutes later, the food is prepared and he carries the bags out to his car, driving off to pick up Frankie and go to Garden Lodge.

---

Lily Anne is penning the lyrics to a new song when her doorbell rings, and she gets up to look at the security footage. She sees a beagle and a tall blonde at the gate, and bags of what looks like take out. She opens the gate from inside, and opens her front door, leaning against the doorway in her sweats. She smiles as Frankie runs up to her and picks up the dog.

“What is all this, Ben?” She asks, scratching Frankie behind the ears.

Ben carries the bags inside the house with him and places them on the large kitchen island. “You said you wanted Indian food. I got you Indian food.”

Lily blinks, looking at the bags of food. “This is enough to feed a small village, Ben. What am I going to do with this much food?”

Ben smiles at her as she puts down Frankie. “I asked the hostess at Indian Palace what your usual order was, and told her that you had a bad day, so she should add whatever she felt would make you feel better. I don’t know what most of this stuff is, but it all smells great.”

Lily bites her lip, shaking her head. “All this must have cost you a small fortune, Ben! You didn’t have to do this for me.”

Ben shrugs. “I wanted to do it for you. Don’t worry about the money. It’s worth it if it makes you feel better.”

She smiles, and throws her arms around Ben, hugging him tightly. “I could cry right now I’m so happy.”

He hugs her back, grinning. “As long as you’re not crying from sadness I’m okay with tears.”

She looks up at him and grins, eyes bright. “You’re literally the best. You even brought Frankie to make me feel better.”

He shrugs again. “She always makes me feel better. I figured she would make you feel better too.”

After a moment Lily pulls away from the warm hug and begins to unpack the food. She squeals in delight when she takes out the tikki masala, jumping up and down. Reykja scratches at her pant leg and she looks down, shaking her head.

“We’ve discussed this before, darling. No spicy human food for you,” Lily says, looking down at the puppy.

Reykja whimpers and the woman sighs, ripping off a small piece of fresh roti and holding it down to the dog, who happily snatches it from her fingers.

“You’re a spoiled thing, aren’t you?” Lily looks up at Ben. “Can I give Frankie a small piece of roti? It won’t hurt her.”

Ben nods. “Sure thing. I’m sure she won’t mind.”

Lily gives the beagle a piece of the bread and the dog takes it before running off to play with her friend. Lily watches as the two bolt to the corner of her living room filled with toys. The dogs get along so well, and it makes Lily happy to see the two fur babies playing together.

Ben looks over the large spread of food, and raises a brow when Lily laughs at the sight of an orange drink.

“What’s so funny?”

Lily smiles at the drink. “This is mango lassi. It’s like a mango smoothie, but less thick. People who can’t handle spice need it to soothe their tongues.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Very funny. I think I can handle eating some of this food without needing it.”

Lily raises her brows before snorting. “Sure thing, Ben. We’ll see what dish breaks you.”

---

“Holy shit. Lily, pass me the lassi,” Ben begs, his face flushed beet red. “My mouth is on fucking fire right now.” Lily laughs and passes Ben the drink. He got through at least five different kinds of chicken before he tapped out, which is actually pretty impressive. The curry can be quite spicy, and it certainly isn’t mild.

“You did pretty well for a white boy, Hardy. I expected the tikki masala to get you,” she comments, passing him the drink.

He drinks it desperately, and when he’s done panting, he wipes sweat from his forehead. 

“Fucking hell… that’s delicious, but holy shit-- dear God!” He takes another slurp as the spice comes back for a second round. “It fights back! What kind of food fights back?”

Lily Anne leans back, grinning. “Indian food. At least for more sensitive tastebuds. I’ve been eating this since I was a baby. I’m well-acquainted with spice.”

Ben leans back, catching his breath. “I see why you like this so much. It feels comforting when it’s not setting your mouth on fire.”

Lily laughs. “Yeah, it does. My Nanni Jer made the best curry, and this is pretty much exactly what it tasted like. Her’s was spicier, though.” Ben’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, causing Lily Anne to laugh. “You wouldn’t survive dinner at my Aunt Kash’s house, but it sure would be entertaining to see you try.”

Ben rolls his eyes, and looks over the different dishes that have been laid out over the coffee table. “I’m so glad you enjoy watching me suffer.”

Lily shrugs. “You gave a valiant effort, and that’s enough for me. I’m proud of you for trying everything. The rest of the food would definitely be too spicy for you, but I’ll be fed for a good long while.”

Ben gestures to the vast array of food. “Good. That’s less grocery shopping you have to do.”

Lily looks over the containers of takeout and shakes her head in disbelief. “I still can’t believe you did all this for me. What did I do to deserve this? I fucked up big time and this feels like a reward.”

Ben looks over at her seriously. “Progress isn’t strictly uphill. It can fluctuate. But it doesn’t matter how many times you relapse as long as you continue trying to quit. You need to be easier on yourself, Lil. Sometimes we need a little comfort in order to get back on our feet again.”

She looks at him tiredly and sighs. “I’m trying to be better to myself.”

Ben nods. “I know. But you’re struggling with that, and that’s why I’m here.” He reaches out and squeezes her hand.

She smiles, squeezing his hand back and closing her eyes. “Thank you, Ben.”

They fall into a comfortable silence, and both contemplate just how far they would go for one another to be happy.

TAGLIST: @andtheytoldustotellyouhello @plethora-of-things @borhap-socials @everybodyplaythegame @i-the-fangirl @deakydeakydeaky @shisterfackisback @samanthadegaro @lv7867 @fatbottomedcurls @redspecialty @haisimsim @peterparkeroos @teenwolflover28 @ixchel-9275 @alessandra-elle @onexlittlespark @queenficarchive @leah-halliwell92 @rrrogah-tayluhh @maddistudiess @queen-fam @evrsncnewyork @reddiefreddieee 

[michaelmilkers]

what is it, exactly, that your 'friends' were angry with u about? i dont want to be invasive and u can ignore this ask, i just think that altho im leaning in ur favor i dont want to decide whether or not to continue supporting you without all of the data. i.e., you could be saying something wildly racist, or you could have insulted someones dog. obviously completely different things that merit completely different responses. i can message you if u dont want to share with the general public :)

putting it under a cut

this

i said in the blacklist chat about a month ago “is circumcision common in latinos” for a thing i was writing which was not only something i couldve googled (which i ended up doing) but also incredibly poor phrasing and i apologized

i was sometimes too open about sexual topics in the nsfw chat (which was 16+) because i was under the impression everyone was okay with it because no one ever really told me it was tmi (sometimes i put stuff in general that i didnt consider nsfw but other people considered nsfw but most of those times i deleted whatever it was i said/sent) (also for the record i had a general rule against sending irl porn in the nsfw chat and so i never did that aside from like the first few months of the servers existence where i was still trying to figure out how to go about having a server at all)

there was a “jewish” role in the server that some jewish people in the server asked for but apparently some people were uncomfortable with the fact that there was a jewish role but not roles for other ethnicities or minorities. people communicated this to me and i was going to make other roles but hadnt gotten around to it yet when everything went down bc spoons

i wasnt open enough about the reasons why i banned people (which only happened a couple times) so people assumed i was only banning them because they disagreed with me, which wasnt true

i have a habit of publicly (i.e. on the blog) responding to criticism with passive aggression or jokes, something im aware of and actively working on, and its something i dont do in private conversation because i dont think its productive, in fact one of my rules in the server was not to respond to disagreements or arguments or discourse with reaction gifs or emotes or memes or stuff like that. 

and this is the biggest incident, tw for genital mutilation and nsfw discussion, and its a long one so bear with me:

basically in december i mentioned in the nsfw chat that i happened to come across a video of a woman essentially sewing her vagina shut. i did not send the video and did not describe it in graphic detail. i shouldnt have brought it up at all, but this was another case of me thinking something wasnt that bad but it upset a few other people. because of the nature of the video the most i will say about it is that it was not a permanent thing, it was done with sterile medical-grade stuff, and it was a masochism thing rather than like actually permanently mutilating the vagina. i was browsing around the internet going down various rabbit holes out of boredom and i came across this video, i did not search for this kind of thing, i just watched it out of curiosity.

anyways, some people were upset by it, i apologized for mentioning it and that was kind of that. but then the next day i received an anonymous ask calling me a freak whos into genital mutilation so i copied the ask in the blacklist chat (tagging it any time i mentioned the video in any level of detail) and basically what then happened that night was that i received multiple anons over the course of a couple hours calling me a freak and greatly exaggerating what happened. i would post the ask in the blacklist chat, me and a couple other people would talk about what was said, and then i would get another anon or two about it.

from the start i did not take the anons seriously because like, youre fucking liveblogging a conversation YOURE IN in my inbox, and i stated multiple times that if they wanted to have a serious conversation about it they could dm me or bring it up in the server because i was not going to entertain this back and forth bullshit.

i called the anon a clown and they sent clown emojis in response, which is when it kind of started getting out of control. me and a lot of other people in the server were making fun of the anon and joking about it calling them “clown anon” and stuff. and then the anon sent an ask containing the sentence “do u really want to be on the team of the guy who watches pussy sewing for fun!” (directed at everyone else in the server joking with me) and i thought the phrase “pussy sewing” was fucking HILARIOUS so everyone started making pussy sewing jokes and calling the anon clussy anon and saying shit like “pussy sewing sunday” (bc this was happening on a sunday night) and “pussy sewing club” and shit like that.

i said multiple times during this that i was not making fun of the video or the subject matter i was making fun of the anon(s) and their dramatic bullshit, but some people didnt believe me ig. at the time i was maintaining the opinion that as long as its all sterile and there is no permanent damage then stuff like that is fine and its none of my business what people do to their own bodies, which i still kind of agree with? im not super sure.

but anyway a few people thought i was a shitty person because of this, one of these people left and the other two said they were going to leave so i banned them, one person was very upset by the subject matter and wanted to take a break from the server, i told them sorry about the situation and to be safe. when one of my mods came online and saw what happened she was very upset about the fact that people had left and i didnt really listen to what she was saying (something ive apologized for since then) but said that for the sake of the person taking a break this was to never be brought up again. i agreed and asked my other mod to delete the conversation because i was low on spoons at the time, they said sure and deleted it for me (and during on the incident on friday this person told everyone that i “made them” delete the messages and that they were too afraid to say no to me and it was disgusting) and that was the last time the situation was brought up until this weekend.

i had actually learned from the situation, both about the things i bring up and also the content i look at even out of boredom or curiosity, and the ethics of that, and i have since then not looked at anything like that online. the people in my server were not aware of this because i was told to never bring it up again, so i didnt, and no one brought it up to me privately so i assumed people werent upset about it anymore. so they assumed i didnt care or i was still looking at shit like that and just wasnt talking about it. i had absolutely no idea people were still harboring bad feelings about this incident and if i did i wouldve apologized again and told them about how i had learned from the situation. i explained all of this on saturday and nobody seemed to care.

multiple times during the situation this weekend i said that their criticisms are valid and tried to explain myself and apologize and own up to what i did, but apparently because im mad about them bullying me and getting people to raid the server im not actually sorry?? according to them.

which is more of them just trying to gaslight me and manipulate me into thinking this is all my fault and i deserved it instead of that event being fucking bullshit.

one person said “your criticisms are valid but the way you brought them up isnt” or something like that in quotation marks in an attempt to mock me but like,,, yeah thats exactly what im saying lmao.

so yeah thats basically it? those are the main things. sorry this got so long.

[talkingwithstraykids]

hello hello, im just trying to look for something to talk about hehe (and get to know you a little more) so could you give a little short blurb about why you like stray kids, and each individual member if you're up for it? i always love reading those little paragraphs at the end of birthday posts about the member because it makes me soft!!! if you're busy/don't want to do it, that's cool. tell me about your day instead?? :)) -skz event anon

Okay so I know you said “short” but I just wrote a 1589 wordessay about Stray Kids in less than 30 minutes when I can’t even write a 300-wordessay for psychology in an hour. And I think that shows how much easier it isto write about things that you love so yeah. Be prepared to read a whole properpaper.

Stray Kids: I think I love them because they remind me somuch of myself. Their songs aren’t about romance or anything like that. It’sabout us and them. And it makes it so personal. Even though they may not knowus. They know what we’re going through because they are too. I also love them becauseI feel like I can relate more to them cause I’m the same age.

WOOJIN: I love how caring he is of the other members. Youcan tell that the boys listen to him. But you can also tell that the boys aren’tafraid to pick on him. I feel like he’s the kind to try not to get mad at theothers and always helps to settle arguments. Although I also feel like in somecases he has a lot of pressure on him. We saw in the last episode of the 9th(season4) that Chan is almost never at the dorm. So even thought Chan is theleader, Woojin probably ends up doing a lot of leader things too when Chan isn’tthere. But I think that he enjoys it and loves his members whole heartedly.

CHAN: I love how much he loves others. Not only his members,but the fans too. And I honestly think that it’s because of how fast he had to growup. He probably had a lot of trouble at the beginning and got scolded a lot atthe beginning and he probably had other older trainees help him. And then oncehe became the older trainee, he didn’t want others to go through the same thinghe did. So, he showed how much he wanted to help them and care for them. I alsofeel like he’s one of the tough love, kinds of people. He shows how much hecares by pushing others to do what he knows they are capable of, even if they don’tthink so themselves. You can also tell just how much he loves the fans by what hewrites. He writes songs that deal with struggles that he has gone though and whatwe also have gone through. I mean Insomnia was written, cause he has a hardtime sleeping. So many other people do to, (myself included) but its never talkedabout in general. Plus, the fact that he does vlives for those that can’t sleep,just shows how much he cares about us.

LEE KNOW: I love how he’s kind of a mystery to us. He has somany sides and personalities that we as fans don’t get to see that much. You cantell he loves his members though, and he’s such a touchy person. I’m prettysure that one of his love languages is touch. And you can tell just from howmuch he cuddles and flops on and just hangs off the members. In a way he’s likea giant kid. I feel like he could be the fake maknae. I also think though thathe’s very strict, but in a loving way. Like if everyone is goofing off in thepractice room, he’d make sure that they stayed on task, but would also let themjoke around a little and be the kids that they are.

CHANGBIN: I love how he doesn’t get offended easily. It’sobviously a running joke about how short he is, along with other jokes that themembers love picking on him for. But throughout all the banter, not once has itseemed like he’s gotten offended or upset about it. He knows they are justjoking around. And some people would get very upset, but he doesn’t. Now there probablyhave been times where a joke has gone a little to far, but I think that themembers talked about it and fixed it, and they know not to go to far. I alsolove how he’s always helping the other members in the recording booth. You cantell that they value his opinion as both a lyricist and composer.

HYUNJIN: I love how confident he is. I love how he was ableto someone who wanted to be know for his dancing, instead of his looks, tosomeone who loves himself enough to constantly post selfies and isn’t afraidthat his dancing isn’t appreciated. (and I don’t mean in a conceited way). I amso proud of him for his appearances on Idol Radio and The Show. He gets to dowhat he loves, which is dancing constantly on Idol Radio and that fact that weget to see him making friends, makes my heart happy. I also love the fact thathe’s kind of the middle ground when it comes to hyung/dongsaeng. Technically he’scloser in age with Changbin than he is with Jisung. Especially with the factthat he’s an only child and he now has 4 older and 4 younger brothers. (he gotlucky with that one) And I think that gives him an advantage when it comes tofights or arguments that may occur in the dorm, cause he could probably seeboth sides.

HAN: I love how he’s the mood maker. I feel like whenever themood gets down, or the boys get tired, Jisung is the one to turn that aroundand lift everyone’s spirits. Without him, some things probably wouldn’t getdone. And not only is he the mood maker for the team when they are probablytired from interviews or shows or practice. But he’s also the mood maker for3racha. Those late nights where the boys are trying there hardest to finish asong, but keep getting frustrated, I feel like Jisung is the one to help themand encourage them that they’ve got it. I mean he’s one of the youngest, if notthe youngest lyricists/producers in the kpop scene. And with that muchpressure, you’ve got to be able to not let things get to you, you have to brushthings off and bring up the mood. On the other side of that I think that if therewas ever a day where Jisung was sad or upset, the boys would try their absolutebest to make their mood maker happy.

FELIX: I love how hard he’s worked. He was only a traineefor 1 year. And in that one year he had to learn so much. He had to learn awhole entirely different language, he had to then rap in said language, andthen he had to probably endure getting scolded at and yelled at in a languagethat wasn’t at all familiar. I mean think about it. If he was doing coreo andsomeone told him to do a certain move a different way, but he had no idea whatthey were saying, that had to be so stressful. Especially at that age. But onething I do love is that fact that he was a talkative person before, and evennow when speaking Korean, he talks so much. He never let anyone change who hewas as a person. He stayed true to himself as a person.

SEUNGMIN: I love his personality. I love how he’s able to pickon the older members so freely and to do it in such a way that he doesn’t getinto trouble. He’s able to ground the boys and remind them that they are justkids and its okay to act like one sometimes, no matter who’s watching. And notto worry about trying to grow up to fast, cause its more fun to be a kid. Ilove how he isn’t afraid to make a mistake, he just makes sure that he fixeswhat was wrong, but he doesn’t let it bother him. I was so proud of him when hewas on ASC, speaking in a language that he didn’t have to. But he wanted to, tospread awareness about the group. And I think in a way everyone loves Seungmin.He may not be their bias or bias wrecker, but somewhere in every stay’s heartthere is a special place for him. Cause honestly, they wouldn’t be Stray Kidswithout him.

I.N: I love how in a way he’s the perfect maknae. He letsthe others cuddle and coddle him. And never gets upset or angry. He gets pickedon, but he’s able to get them back in heartbeat. He is also honestly the sweetesthuman being alive. You can tell just how much he loves stay especially in thevlives. He constantly wants to keep us updated, even if its just him eating, orpracticing his typing, little things that most people don’t care about, but weas fans love to see. We love to see the boys doing such mundane things, causeit makes them seem more relatable. But I also love the fact that he is so youngand so innocent. He has so much room to grow, and although at times I thinkthat he puts himself down, he has 8 hyungs who love him and will always bethere for him. They honestly love him too much to let anything happen to him.

[panda-001]

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once again i need to rant about how much it pains me not have been born a jellyfish or another living being that it's not a human o(-(

im seeing so many posts about how people feel too "one sided" a friendship or relationship so they decide to """test""" the other person interest on maintaining that friendship by stop talking to them... that kind of behavior makes me so anxious because i never know when someone is doing that to me??? (also, it's really that hard to just ask?? stop making assumptions you self-centered asshole, you aren't the center of anyone's life so just learn to communicate your worries !! ) i mean, i almost lost one of the few friendship that i have because my friend was angry at me for never texting her even though i constantly say that i am VERY bad at texting (i just feel like there's not much happening in my life worth telling. im not gonna talk - unprompted, mind you- to someone about how i fighted with a family member or how i am doing once again bad mentally or how i'm struggling with money and life is horrible. i don't like putting that pressure on someone that isn't me, or at least i am very bad at writing it, i feel like it's too permanent in time if i leave it in a message. on the other hand, if we're having a verbal conversation i can say many things and i am at ease that my friend only heard it and it's not staying recorded on something(?? (whether that be a stupid joke or a serious conversation) i may be anxious about what i said but i can deal better with that if i can only think about it and not read it over and over and over and over and over again and not being able to sleep or function as a human being because i can't find a better way to deal with that worry haha orz)

so what a surprise when i text this friend a happy birthday and she ask me if we can do a videocall in the week and i am like "sure, i finally have a room and privacy back, let's chat for a while :D" only to get a conversation where she tells me that she wasn't expecting me to remember her birthday and that she was upset with me only talking to her about college related stuff AND that she was planning on not being friends with me anymore but that she changed her mind after talking to me ??? 😭

a... truly, human beings are complicated. I'm not mad at my friend for getting hurt thinking that i don't care (like, i went through something like that a couple years back when i asked several times some close friends if we could meet someday to catch up because we haven't seen or talked to each other in months and i miss them and we live in the same fucking city so it couldn't be too hard to meet for an hour or two?? but they always said they were too busy. so i was like, ow that sucks, not your fault though so tell me when you're free... then later i find out that while they were busy at the time, they still made time to go out and do stuff with other friends, just not with me. so obviously i got hurt because it seemed to me like they actually didn't want to spend time with me,,,,,,, that was 4 years ago and we are still friends -i think- but never that close anymore after we sorted all that mess out. SO, i kinda understand my friend feeling upset with me not making the effort (?? to talk to her more, the only difference that i see with what happened with her and what happened with my other friends is that when she told me she was upset i apologized and now we do talk and see each other a lot more, while with these other friends i don't remember the last time i saw them or really talked to them??? (i don't care anymore about them though, im just thinking about it)

THE THING IS: im scared of people interpreting my silence as not caring about them when i'm just being or trying to be human and live my life haha).

ANYWAYS, with that "im not going to talk to you to see if you care" mentality i start to get a little nervous because im someone that has like three people that can actually call friends (and i NEVER text them haha ;;) and the rest is just on a very weird gray zone were i don't know when or how to talk to them or if they understand that it's not personal if i don't text you... i don't even text my parents daily BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DONT CARE orz (funny to think that back in 2018 my mom was very angry at me for only texting her back heart emojis or pics of my cat when she was trying to start a conversation on whatsapp with me ??? i never realized what she was doing AND SHE NEVER TOLD ME DIRECTLY THAT THERE WAS A PROBLEM TO BEGING WITH. i had my dad explain to me what was happening because i was so confused,,,,, i don't even understand my own mother o(-( )

I'm not good at talking to people and the pandemic and all the lockdowns should have forced me into being more active in texting right?? haha, that's sooo not what happened. i just got to be so much more lonely orz i only talked to my siblings and my parents for two years because i couldn't make videocalls or voicecalls because i didn't have a room ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ AND i had to sleep on the living room on the most uncomfortable sofa that has ever existed with my brother sleeping on a mattress on the floor next to me... no wonder i got so fucked up mentally back in november last year ( and now i have a long way to once again be okay but that's beside the point orz )

im not someone that gets offended if people don't talk to me in a while (days, weeks, months) because i understand that people have their own life and stuff going on and it may not be the best time to text, so i prefer to arrange that we meet and then just talk about everything. if you say that it's a lot, well i don't mind being there listening for a while if you don't mind telling me?? but i know that does not work for everyone... so i don't know what else to do ??????

also I HATE SOCIAL MEDIA AAAAA. i hate instagram and whatsapp and tiktok and the fact that i have to be active there to not be like a ghost to my social circle,,,,,, but i just fucking hate doing all that, so instead i prefer isolating myself because holy fuck it doesn't make sense to me how people live with constantly talking and sharing about their personal life's o(-( that's too much for me, i have a weak heart that get stressed and overwhelmed very easily so i prefer not using social media...

so... yeah... i hate being human and not a starfish or a butterfly or a tree o(-(

[erosjeon]

A rant; most of you will relate in a way

First of all, to all bullies out there just know that you're insignificant and a waste of air. Spread love not hate.

Okay so here we go. To help you get a small idea of my personality, I'm a mixture of Suga and Jungkook and I have severe trust issues when it comes to specific things I will touch upon later. I am a shy person needless to say and very quiet and observant so I'm able to pick up people's personality quite quickly.

To start of, I study a very competitive course at college/university so a lot of the people i meet and work with either are friends with me for mutusl help and benefit or to just simply use me. From my previous experience at school, i had developed trust issues with people regarding how well i do when it comes to exams becaude I was bullied LOADS for getting an A, people would ask me "Why the hell would you say you're stressed? You were just lying" & "You probably eat your book and you tell us your procrastinating" and bla bla and I really was, back then I'd used kpop as a way to stress relief but i managed to understand things although never finishing revision which makes me really stressed for the exam which is normal for any test taker right?

Anyhow! Fast forward to first year college, as a few would know it's really big and you dont usually get to make really personal friendships or relationships, i had focused that year to do really well since I had failed to get into medical school due to a stupid entrance exam, i wont deny that I'm a bright person in science so I managrd to do really well (after seeing my results) that year with however, much difficulty.

This one girl which i was acquaintances with had approached me that summer and kept sticking to me and clearly was using me for something i didnt know well, so when she asked me how did you find the exams? With honesty i said really difficult because i found all the exams difficult and hadnt managed to complete my revision. When i had gotten my results, I was like oh wow thats an amazing average but since I had told her I didnt do AMAZING, my phobias kicked in and i asked my best friend who didnt attend the same university for advice, and she said " if you dont even know her then dont tell her you can trust anyone because the course your in is practically the hunger games for people who want to do medicine " so i was like your right and i dont owe this girl anything, she kept bothering me for my exact % so i couldnt actually tell her the truthful one because like o said...' i didnt do amazing'

Fast forward second year after that, she stole a friend of mine that i made in my first year and i confronted her that she's pissing me off and i dont appreciate her trying to keep people away from me but i left them both anyway to focus on my studied cos they got so much harder, i suffer from anxiety and through summer it had slipped from my mouth to her and so she knee something about me, we made up 4 months afterwards and we helped each other by giving recordings of lectures if the other couldnt come and helping with assignments and let me make this clear (i had helped her when she asked me for help and i helped her when she asked me and I knew the question or something) i had also made another friend who knew sara, i liked her personality but again everyone in this course wants to know how everyone did and i had to keep my grade consistent. Like any normal human i struggled a lot and complained when they complained and etc, i was in a lot of stress but thankfully second year went alright not that good but its okay, the same story goes i had came up tp many exams knowong 3 or 4 topics out of 20 but i was lucky for most of the questions coming up on them, im good at picking out questions. The two girls had become friends also towards that summer.

Now in my third year, as always they've bothered me with my grades and I had no trust for them, because if you tell them you did well they will cast you out and try to make you fail. I didnt talk with any of them outside college and we were no where close, we just worked in groups and etc if it had to come to it. Just today i had sent an email to my tutor for a presentation i wouldnt be able to attend because of my illness, i had screenshotted the email and sent it to them because i wanted to let them know of the situation and that its all good cos the tutor said its fine.

One of the girls had looked up my grades using my id and found my grade, i am not feeling well and they both know but for some reason they cornered me just like i got bullied at school and got accused of using them? I had never used them because when you ask someone for something and they also ask you and you give, its called mutual benefit, so i was like if you were my friends you'd be happy, i didnt mean to lie about it but then i got accused of making up times i struggled and stressed, when they said that I knew saying anything more was useless and I was just getting more ill and anxious from it.

It was so funny to see how they completely switched a 180° on me, if i had used them and never helped i would be able to understand but i didnt trust any of them, the girl who had stolen both my friends and she made me unable to trust any, i just sat down and thought why couldn't anyone mind their own business? We all got similar coursework grades and they'd usually get higher but my exams balanced it.

This year i am struggling more because of family issues and my illness so obviously before this drama i had complained when they did that i had a lot to do, so much to catch up with which is piling up till today since I'm taking rest.

It had upsetted me, i wont deny that because I'm not suffering from a flu or just some fly by sickness, they were aware of it and knew that my anxiety would probably spike but they didnt care. Sadly, i had cared whenever they had a "flu" and stayed home and would be worried sick about them.

Ahh..Since this blog is completely anonymouss it helps to get things out and even with 1k followers which is an impossibly micro fraction of the world's population I want to let as many people as I can to never let someone control how you feel, no matter how much or little they mean to you.

All of my friends had laughed about how little trust they had to search for my grades and my family are as speechless as I am, I'm mad that I got hate for doing well, i write on this blog, keep up with BTS 24.7 and watch kdramas... i procrastinate a lot and its not a lie to fool anybody so ughhh. I dont care about them but it makes me angry and sad that i was wronged and accused of using them... i cant even.

I just need a hug, being a person who had self loath and depression which is evident in many of my works it's becoming hard for me to love myself.

[decodervon]

Mean.

mean. it was mean and meant to provoke. it all hurts.

being honest isn’t a shield against being upset. that night with Kayla, I was honest and i knew it would upset you. do you remember how you treated me after i told you? i knew you would be mad. disappointed. sad. angry. i knew you’d feel those things and more and i still asked for more. i let you treat me however you wanted to treat me, because i knew what i did was wrong. ive kicked myself a MILLION times for that act and let you get in as many kicks as you wanted. just because you are honest, does not mean anyone has to be lenient in how they feel. thats a loss you have to accept and admit. its a permanent black mark on your record, and that’s just what it is. you can feel upset about having it pointed out, but its what. happened. hearing you almost OD on drugs is scary, and makes me mad, and disappointed, and angry. I KNOW you feel that way yourself, but you’ve gotten to feel that and process that already. this is still news to me. i’ve put so much time and care into you that i’m allowed to be angry. you don’t get to be angry about ME being angry about a dumb mistake you made. thats the sound of me CARING about you living and dying. a blackout is one step below hospitalization. thats SCARY to hear. what if i told you i did so many drugs i blacked out?? or how I was so drunk I dropped my bike on myself and then dropped it a second consecutive time till a stranger had to help me? see? its honest, and I fully expect you to be mad, scared. and disappointed in me. part of accepting responsibility for your shortcomings and failures is accepting that they ARE failures and if someone points them out or is disappointed in them, you have to accept that and make peace with it. if someone hates me or distrusts me for the mistakes I make... they have a right to. I have a right to be upset. your parents and the people who care about you have a right to be upset. you have a right to be upset when they do things that hurt themselves. please dont be so angry at me for caring about your well being.

i.. dont like manipulating people. it's like being good at kicking dogs. it's a way my intellect can be used to deceive people into actions they wouldnt normally. I dont morally like doing it. like I did manipulate megan to give me information.. I just asked. I wanted to know how you were. I am desperate for information about you because I'm still... addicted. I'm slowly reprogramming myself but it hurts. it hurts to know I spent so long suffering just to have to swallow that it's over. and moving on with our respective people hurts and proves that. there was a time where I was manipulating you and it was horrible. it makes me feel like that time I pressured you into sex. it feels gross and empty and I really dont want to resort to it if I can. my mom does it habitually because of whatever her trauma was growing up.. but I dont share her same wonton opinion of its use. I justified using it because I thought you were seeing someone behind my back... and I was right. that's what always killed me about that time. I was suspicious, i was controlling, and manipulative and I ended up being... correct to have tried to do so. it kills me when I go over it. but it's also true that none of that stuff helped. being suspicious made me distrustful. being controlling made it harder to believe you. and manipulation made me feel like nothing you said or did was authentic. there were BIG consequences to those actions, regardless of the situation. and none of them helped. maybe suspicion because that led me to finally outing you, but yeah. I promise, I dont want to go back to any of that. I am not trying to goad you out of any information and am happy to pay for it with information that you might want. its honorable and I dont have to feel so awful after.

I touched upon some of the feelings I felt about the tryst.. its.. I feel really complicated. I'm.. starved for physical affection. enough to throw money at randos for nudes (not a very proud moment for me [and while sex work is real work, I've usually done well enough to not have to patronize]) and would probably go way out of my way and spend myself too much for it. i... did have something physical with someone that was very brief but I don't want to get into it. I felt weird. it felt wrong and I wish it couldve been you. doesnt matter. what matters is I would spend myself much more than I should for some physical affection, especially if the person knew me and all my weird kinks. i.. wanted that from you for so long. not just the last few years. the whole relationship I wanted you to want me. i never felt like you really did. sometimes you did. moments. places. seconds. but i hungered for you. all the time. the second I decided I was in (roughly three months in) I never looked at you a different way. it didnt matter what your hair looked like, or if you had makeup, or if you weighed more or less... none of that mattered. I decided I was in and you were this.. bond I craved. I never knew how to get you to... want me sexually from a standing still point. I poured all of that desire into going down on you. into a mastery of manipulating you sexually until I could get you to cum as fast as a guy. I wanted you so bad. I wanted that.. reaffirmation of being sexually desirable. i wanted to feel attractive because that's the only way i ever FELT sexy. i wanted to be objectified by you because it made me feel good about myself. having this super hot girl treat me like my body was super hot? its was like drinking out of the holy grail of self-esteem. words are... ultimately meaningless to me. it's like. I have a certain experience and mastery where I understand that words are just... nothing. they're only the cardboard cut out of Meaning and the actions behind them, are what make them stand. you could tell me I'm Hot for 100 years and I'll shrug it off everytime. but to me, you dont fuck someone you dont find attractive. not if you have the choice.

to me you were always this stonewall. you knew the world wanted your body. no matter what you thought about it. you built up this stone face that I could never see past. I never thought my actions were good enough. it's why I always asked. why I always needed to check that I was sexually adequate enough. I felt like I was at arms reach. its felt like you were this quiet master. watching, waiting; judging. I wanted you to be vulnerable and weird and gross around me. I bring up one of my favorite all time sexual experiences with you as the time you came home drunk and had the loudest, grossest dirty talk session with me as we fucked and i loved it (for being super hot as well) because you were so... raw. you didnt care if I was into it or not. you didnt care what you said or how I responded. you just let loose and it was so honest and pure. it was the best sex because i actually felt close to you. I didn't have to ask if you liked it. didnt have to wonder for one second. I knew you got what you needed and in doing so, gave me what I needed. most of the time...sex felt like I was bothering you. like you just wanted to get it over with.

and the tryst is.. its. you spend so long feeling sexually unwanted and then these last years.. I don't really rank into your priority system. I haven't for a long time. It goes: Work>Burlesque>Family>Friends/Self-care>Cats>Me. I've had to compete against everything else in your life to just.. get a chance to see you. I'm publically banned from your house because of a relationship that came LONG before it, but we both know it's total bullshit since you still end up sneaking me in when it works into your schedule. I really wanted to show you that I wasnt just a mad, angry fucking asshole anymore. That I did have the capacity to trust. that I had more patience. but I had to fight against everything go even get a chance and you were barely willing to even see me. I just..

I'm not trying to point a finger. that's not what this is about. it's about realistic expectations and being logical. a tryst is a fun, secret idea. maybe I'll write a piece about it. I'm not saying you wouldnt put in work, but just like you dont trust me on certain things.. I dont trust you to either pencil me in or erase a plan and spontaneously appear. that has nothing to do with damages and more about character. you're someone who plans things. you like following a path. its comfortable for you. you can control it. I have always been the opposite. I am "I'll be there when I get there" and always got a secret place to show someone. I was the neighborhood kid on his bike looking for a hideout. control is.. an illusion. we are our truest selves when chaos hits. when all the plans fall apart. I like the concept of bailing on anything to go do something bad.

you're healing. I'm healing. I don't expect you to roll the dice on me and that's nothing if not just pragmatic. it gets me excited because /i/ would do something like that. like it's a hot idea to think about climbing up to your balcony for secret sex. would I ever do it? no. it's a huge violation of privacy and i already promised I would never intrude on your safe spaces. that is a gesture /i/ would like. not you. I've had so many times I've wanted you to just... show up somewhere for me. I remember ice skating alone on valentines day. I cry when I write that. you were with friends and we werent in a great way. but I showed up and I hoped you would and I got a "I would of but it's too late, I'm with my friends already" I couldve been with my biological father and still bailed for ice skating with you. and so I mean. I'm not saying you wouldnt do the the work or that I dont trust you. I'm saying the definition of Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. you're getting what you want out of someone else and I have nothing left to give. I'm sure you dont cum as hard for him, but give it time and direction and im sure that changes. everything I had or did is replaceable. repeatable. forgettable.

and both our relationships are fledgling. I know you care about him, but you're damaged like me. I know that its gratitude. it's like someone giving you a massage. you're thankful, but a connection that does not make. I'm not saying my situation is better, infact, its possibly worse. I'm involved with someone I've had a decade long crush on. who's choosing to mess with men again specifically due in part to ME. the idea of either one of us getting into something even partial meaningful is laughable and HIGHLY dangerous to those people who are involved. I'm taking things intentionally slow because I dont want this person to be a rebound. sex, affection, anything. I need to process before I dedicate myself to anyone. but you're having a much more casual and adult relationship. will it turn into something REAL? who can say. but regardless, it is a rebound. just like I was. and I had to fight tooth and nail through the first year due to your friends influencing you, you still fucking around with your ex (lol that's me now) and your general uneasiness to want to be official in an attempt to a real, honest relationship.

idk. maybe I'm reading into the fact that you dont care if "mystery man gets hurt". I am envious of your casual and open thing. I wish for the same, but the Universe apparently needed me to know that my longtime ultra crush was interested in me and.. I.. I couldn't turn it down. i need it after everything. i was almost driven crazy. the only thing that's missing is the physical part and im.. trying to keep it like that. I dont know why. I should take a page out of your book and just.. do it. you have that now. probably wasnt more than a couple of dates before, if that. I have this meaning and purpose associated with sex... and that's hard when you were in love with someone who felt differently. I wanted to be the one to take care of you. even if we werent doing well. just break it down to its physical components and go to town and just.. part ways after. no strings. but that's not something we could ever believe the other could do with one another. and it hurts.. a lot to know you're physically with someone else.

a lot.