#for some reason i thought he had reawakened everyone of those guys

[beedreamscape]

This bitch bastard man (affectionate)

[chao-writes-stuff]

DELTARUNE SPOILERS

Heyyy! I wrote a thing involving Jevil and the Chapter 2 Superboss! I'm going to put it under the cut, but at the end, there will also be an Ao3 link if you wanna support me there!

Thank you! Remember to Reblog if you wanna

The Lightner Trio walked down the stairs in the Queen's massive manor, their hurried footsteps echoing like a rough pitter-patter in the technological nightmare. The massive lair confused and bamboozled them, but they definitely wanted to figure out the mystery behind what the Fountains were about, what Queen's true intentions were… and what was in the basement?

"Uhh… Kris?" Ralsei asked, his soft voice echoing out. "Why are we even here? Aren't Queen, Noelle, and Berdly upstairs? And not here…?"

Susie quickly interrupted him, punching his arm lightly to get his attention. "Of COURSE they aren't here. But whatever is here is probably important. Right, Kris?"

"I guess!" The currently blue human replied. "I've been asked by some… guy, about doing these weird favors for him. He really wants me to be alone."

"We sure he ain't a p-" Before Susie could finish her thought, Ralsei muffled her mouth with his scarf. "Who is he? And why does he want you to be alone?"

"His name is Spamton, I think. I don't know much about him, but he gave me this Loaded Disk earlier, and--"

Suddenly, a strange, chaotic voice rang out. Everyone recognized it. The tail attached to Ralsei's cloak popped off, diamonds and hearts flying out with it. The tail spun and took form, and the chaotic Jester they quite literally put to rest yesterday was reawakened.

"Spamton? SPAMTON? The same Spamton who wished for me to go, to go, and be free, free?" Jevil laughed chaotically, with Ralsei caught quite off guard. "You know him?"

"That dorito chip was part of the reason why I was set free, he was! He used to rule this world, before the Queen I've been hearing oh so much about took over. Oh, I MUST know more of how you met that ridiculous lunatic! And that's coming from ME, ME! Spamton, oh Spamton, I'd like to have a word with him~!" Jevil looked quite pissed off, his normally jovial expression looking slightly stern.

"I didn't wanna go down there anyway. Just come back, okay? You're kind of carrying us with your defense boost." Kris, with a neutral expression, gave the clown the disk they were gifted by the malignant salesman, and watched as Jevil immediately sprinted off into the basement. They could hear an echoed "Buh bye~! I'll be back in a few hundred words!" As the jester descended into the decrepit basement below...

Jevil entered the musty, rotting cellar. Despite him rarely stepping on the ground, each step he did take left a haunting impact on his feet. It was silent, save for the occasional rustling of his clothes. He didn't have long to do this. His physical form only had a few hours to be out and about before he solidified, just like the young boy and the puzzle freak. Thankfully, that's all he needed. He was getting excited, almost giddy, to interact once more with his old acquaintance. Oh, what a wonderful conversation they'd have!

He didn't walk for too much longer before he found the train station that was buried deep below. Or was it a roller coaster? Whoever had this built clearly had some elaborate roundabout in mind… too bad they were still imprisoned, haha! Jevil walked and floated across the tracks, reaching a room with a decaying robot inside.

He knew this was a bad idea. But when did he ever have good ideas?

Without hesitating, the joker put the disk into the robot. At first, nothing happened, and he was getting impatient VERY quick. He gave the robot a swift kick in the lower area, before stepping back out of the room.

Step…

Step…

SLAM! The clown was admittedly caught off guard with how fast the silhouette from above came and pushed him onto his knees. With a small gasp for air, Jevil looked up slowly at the encroaching menace. The jagged movements, the glitchy, unsolidified form… this was him alright.

"KRIS… MY LOYAL [Sponge!] THANK… YOU. THE [Clown Around Town!] I REMEMBER YOUR [Disgusting] FACE. EVERYONE WAS SO [Thrilled] TO SEE YOUR [Calcified] FACE." The massive robotic behemoth loomed over Jevil, rage in his glasses. Spamton NEO.

The clown got up, a smug, shitfaced expression on his mug. He knew damn well that the dorito in front of him was pissed off, so he leaned back in the air to retort. "At least I drink plenty of milk, uee hee hee! As for you, you haven't changed one bit since we last spoke~! Or would it be a byte, a byte? Regardless, I do hope you've given up on the illusion of freedom, freedom~! The only one who can be free is MEEE!"

The robotic menace swung around to the other side of Jevil, making it very clear who was in charge of the conversation. A small concentrated blast of Pipis was fired at the jester, pushing him back with a surprising amount of force. "YOU ACT SMUG, BUT YOU [Crashed our stocks!] AND THEN YOU [Spoiled relations with our Esteemed Partners!] I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU… GOT IN HERE, YOU… [Tuna Fish,] BUT I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR [Roundabout!] AGAIN!"

Jevil laughed maniacally at this thought. This guy was mad! Over something that happened how long ago? Why even bother holding a grudge still? Petty, petty! He knew why, and it's why he came back too. "You influenced him. That pretty little kitty. You gave him enough funds to release me into that carousel of bliss and innocence! But I wasn't done, not one bit! And all those years, spent being free… they made me realize something, my dearest Spamton."

The oddly calm tone coming from the jester put Spamton NEO at an incredible amount of unease. "WHAT? WHAT COULD YOUR [Calcified Lump] THINK OF THAT WOULD MEAN ANY GODDAMN THING TO ME?"

"I CAN DO ANYTHING!"

The joker used his latent power to pelt the giant mecha with small white hearts. Spamton was caught off-guard, stumbling back a fair amount. Of course, you have to fight fire with fire, so the robot used his abilities to send out a Big Shot of blue Spamton Head Pipis.

"YOU [Saturated Marketshare!] YOU CAN'T SIMPLY ATTACK ME AND EXPECT IT TO WORK [As seen on TV!] I'M A [BIG SHOT!] [BIG SHOT!!!]"

Jevil hopped up onto the ceiling, clearing the first few Pipis on the lower row heading his way. Unfortunately, the higher row caught him clean in the face as he bounced between the two, making a small Jack-in-the-box melody as he pinged around.

"SPAMTON, MY BELOATHED! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND, UNDERSTAND, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A CAGE WITH A SHARK, A SHARK! YOU GET BITTEN AND CHEWED UP!"

The fool retaliated by running circles around Spamton, turning into a carousel of horse bullets! The robot, in a surprising feat of puppeteering, dodged the attack almost perfectly… until a stray horsie cut a string, sending the mech's right arm into the horse race. One thing about arms with cannons on them? They fire.

As soon as it happened, Jevil was face to face with a swarm of Pipis all around him. He was stuck. All of them exploded brilliantly, sending the clown flying clean across the rotting tracks and into the wall. Tauntingly, mockingly even, Spamton NEO retorted.

"I'M THE SHARK NOW, JEVIL! I'VE CHEWED UP SO MANY [Failed Buisness Partners] THAT I COULD MAKE A WHOLE [Presentation] OUT OF THEM! STAY OUT OF MY GODDAMN WAY, OR [Sparkle like new!] YOU BRAT."

The buisnessman charged at Jevil, his hands becoming phones. "IT'S FOR YOU." Suddenly, before either of them could react, loud blasts of garbage noise manifest expelled from the phones, attacking the court jester with white blasts of energy. There was nothing he could do to stop this robot's onslaught, it looked like.

"OH SPAMTON, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? THAT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SO POWERFUL RIGHT NOW, NOW? I'D SUGGEST YOU LOOK UP, UP! YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT THOSE STRINGS IMPRISONING YOU, UEE HEE HEE! YOU'RE NOT A BIG SHOT, YOU'RE JUST A LAZY FRAUD WHO CAN'T STOP HANGING ON TO HIM! I GUESS SLEEPING FOR 100 YEARS DOESN'T MAKE LITTLE OLD ME MISS MUCH, RIGHT?"

Without warning, Jevil was myseriously gone from his corner. The spamware looked frantically for his target, before being struck in the arm, the leg, and the chest by scythes. Devilsknives. The last knive cut a few strings clean off the puppet, who briefly hit the ground before rising back up.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! [Hyperlink Blocked.] I'M STILL HIS LOYAL ASSOCIATE! HE MAY NOT HAVE TALKED TO ME IN [Employee of The Month for 144 months!] BUT HE'S STILL THERE…"

Jevil interrupted him cleanly and concisely. "FACE IT. YOU'RE NO BIG SHOT ANYMORE, SPAMTON G. SPAMTON. ALL YOU ARE IS A FAILED INVESTMENT, UEE HEE HEE!"

With those words, a purple blast came from behind the clown, striking the robot right in the noggin. He flew back a bit, giving the joker enough time to turn around to meet his esteemed guests.

"Ah, my imprisoners~! Didn't you guys have a Queen to rock-em sock-em?"

Susie immediately cut him off, as she punched him in the arm (causing his head to spring up, naturally.) "Well, Kris over here couldn't shake the feeling things were off. So they forced us down here, and now they're right. Somehow?"

"I know I'm right.. Jevil, who the hell is Spamton?" Kris replied, their worry about the situation starting to rise.

"It's of no concern to you~! His screws were almost as loose as mine, and I don't think it's my job to tighten them~! Uee hee hee! Thank you for the help, but I can do anything~! Even tell you guys that 3 coasters are about to come down and force you guys along for the ride~!"

Ralsei immediately stuttered something out. "Three… what?"

And just like that, with a loud rumbling, the heroes were swept up into 3 old, rusty carts, barrelling down the track. Jevil laughed to himself, proud of what he got to do. "Ah well, it's a shame I can't finish him personally…"

"But oh well! Are you proud, proud? They took care of him…"

"Doctor."

Ao3 Link!

[song-tam]

right where you left me - Sophie x Fitz

A/N: So this was a bit of a nightmare, writing this, writing Sophie not moving on hurt a lot more than it should have. This is basically an angsty human!Sophitz AU based off of Taylor Swift’s “right where you left me” from evermore. And it is not meant to be romantic in any way! I don’t want to give anybody a false sense of what romance is supposed to be like, this is all about Sophie being unable to move on.

Warnings: this is pretty much heartbreak, pining, all that angst

Word count (including the song lyrics): 1.7K

Taglist (I’m really just tagging random mutuals, let me know if you want to be removed): @stardustanddaffodils @dreaminq-out-loud @sunset-telepath @summer-waves9764 @thoserainyrainboots@thatonewhalewatcher @jenniecrushed @jaxtheshade@beautifuldaysahead​ @bloodred-roses @bianavacker-is-bi-as-hell @where-in-the-world-are-we @scribblesnsketches05 @real-smooth

Pairing: Sophie x Fitz

Read on AO3

Friends break up, friends get married Strangers get born, strangers get buried Trends change, rumors fly through new skies But I’m right where you left me

Sophie Foster had experienced a lot in life.

Those experiences taught her that hearts were made of glass, that bliss never lasted, that love left wounds that time couldn’t always heal.

Sophie’d watched her friends fall for each other and then leave, destroying any bond between them. She’d seen babies sitting in strollers, still at the beginning of their lives, and the elderly pass on. They were lucky, Sophie thought, the elderly. Becoming numb to the pain that came with life.

Life, after all, was a cold, cruel thing, and love was even more vicious.

Matches burn after each other Pages turn and stick to each other Wages earned and lessons learned But I’m right where you left me

Sophie’d scraped along after Fitz. She worked as an assistant librarian, watching children and adults alike come and go, getting lost in another world through books, even if just for a little while.

She remembered the days when she could still dare to pick up a novel. Sophie knew that an escape, for a little while, might have helped her over the years, but she knew that she’d be reawakened the second she read a page.

Sophie couldn’t afford to live again. Life reminded her too much of Fitz. All she could do was simply survive, get by as the empty shell she was.

Being numb was better than being in pain, but numbing the pain would only make it hurt worse when it wore off.

She would have to stay numb forever if she was to protect herself from that kind of hurt.

Help, I’m still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross legged in the dim light They say “What a sad sight”

Sophie went back to the restaurant almost every night.

It hurt each time, bringing back memories that she should have tried to forget if she was ever going to move on with her life.

But it made her feel closer to Fitz.

It destroyed a bit of her, every time she thought of him.

And yet she still wanted him.

She wanted the one thing she would never get.

And that was why she went back to the restaurant--back to the closest she could get to Fitz.

I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on

It was always quiet at the restaurant, even quieter than the library.

Occasionally, if there were new waiters, they’d come seeking her order, but most of the staff knew to serve her the blandest meal on the menu and then leave Sophie to her thoughts.

They’d been kind to her, in the beginning. Some of the staff had been there on that fateful day years ago when Sophie’s relationship came crumbling down, offering her tissues and chocolate cake on the house.

But the years had passed. Sophie didn’t expect them to keep pitying her like this--she knew that some of the staff had gotten tired of her sorrow dampening everyone’s mood, not that she could blame them.  

I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared

One of the waiters silently slid a dish of mashed potatoes over to Sophie.

“Thank you,” she whispered hoarsely, the waiter only nodding in acknowledgement.

Sophie was used to it. They’d all expected her to leave eventually, to stop showing up at the restauraunt, to move on.

Not just the staff, but Sophie’s friends, family, and colleagues as well. Dex, especially, was often upset at Sophie’s state. Dex hated seeing his best friend still brokenhearted with her ex-boyfriend from years ago.

Dex didn’t get it. No one really did--they all talked like moving on was easy. Like Sophie was nothing for not getting over Fitz. But it took all of her strength to work and eat and try to at least get to a point where she was just okay, and by the end of all that, she didn’t have enough strength to get over Fitz.

Right where you left me You left me no, oh, you left me no You left me no choice but to stay here forever You left me, you left me no, oh, you left me no You left me no choice but to stay here forever

He’d left her. Sophie’d always been more vibrant when Fitz has still been in her life. When Fitz had still thought that she was worth loving.

“But then you left,” Sophie said softly.

Knowing that Fitz had stopped loving her hurt a thousand times than the fact that he had left.

Perhaps Sophie didn’t deserve love, no matter how much she wished she did.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it She’s still 23, inside her fantasy How it was supposed to be

Sophie often imagined the what-ifs and alternate endings to her doomed love story. What if she’d tried harder? What if she’d tried less? What if she’d done something different? What if he’d never left?

They shouldn’t have ended like that.

She thought about it all the time, so much it wasn’t healthy.

But Sophie had been glass, and she’d shattered. She’d broken.

Sophie broke when she thought about Fitz leaving or anything after that, so she had to think about all the good memories from when they were dating. Midnight drives and shoveling mint chip ice cream into their mouths, kissing on a picnic blanket underneath the stars.

She tried to imagine what other memories the two of them would have made, if they’d lasted.

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Breakups happen everyday, you don’t have to lose it She’s still 23, inside a fantasy

Sophie knew she was focusing on all the wring things, she knew she should get over Fitz, she knew she was destroying herself with every time she thought about her failed relationship.

This love wasn’t healthy, and yet she was still holding onto it. Somewhere, deep down, she still held onto the fragile hope that Fitz would someday come back.

It was delusional to think that he ever would, the logical part of her brain knew that.

But Sophie hadn’t really been paying attention to the logical part of herself these past few years.

If Fitz magically showed up on her doorstep, saying that he’d made a mistake, she’d take him back in a heartbeat, even with all the hurt he’d caused her.

And you’re sitting in front of me At the restaurant, when I was still the one you want Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right I, I could feel the mascara run You told me that you met someone Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on

That night had easily been the worst night of Sophie’s life.

They were at the restaurant, the one that they’d always gone to for dates--the two of them never could get enough of the food. Dinner had started out great, they’d talked so much about everything, Sophie had always been more comfortable around Fitz than anyone else.

Fitz, though… looking back on that night, Sophie recalled how distant he was. How absentminded and anxious he acted. She hadn’t noticed at the time, too caught up in his company to notice. Perhaps that was a reason he’d moved on--because Sophie was never the best at recognizing his feelings, never really knew how to comfort him when he was down.

“Ate you okay?” she’d asked.

Fitz had looked like he was about to say yes, but then shook his head no, his eyes turning slightly glassy. “Sophie…” he said slowly. “I… I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what anymore?”

“Us, Sophie. I can’t keep pretending that we aren’t drifting apart, that we aren’t meant to be anymore.”

“Fitz, what are you--”

“I’ve met someone. She… she makes me happy. She makes me feel like I’m worth something, like she’s the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I’m sorry, Soph, but I… I just never felt that way with you. I thought I did, but…”

It had become a bit of a blur after that. All she remembered was starting to cry, and her glass shattering, and Fitz walking out of the restaurant and her life forever.

Help, I’m still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say “What a sad sight”

Sophie knew that everyone saw her as pathetic, as someone who’d destroyed herself because of a stupid guy. She paid them no attention. Their words would cause her more agony and she wasn’t strong enough, she wasn’t ready to hear it yet, no matter how much she might have needed it.

I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair I’m sure that you got a wife out there Kids and Christmas but I’m unaware Cause I’m right where

Fitz… Fitz was probably happy. He’d probably gotten married to that woman who made him so incredibly happy, they’d probably had children. Sophie could just see Fitz with two toddlers, spoiling them silly with Christmas presents and chasing them around the house. Playing games with them and being a wonderful father, because he was Fitz.

He had a way of making everyone feel loved.

I cause no harm, mind my business If my love died young, I can’t bear witness And it’s been so long But if you ever think you got it wrong

Sophie, on the other hand, she was alone. She didn’t let anyone else in, she didn’t make herself vulnerable, she didn’t hurt anyone and didn’t let anyone hurt her. Not anymore. She kept to herself and kept her guard up around everyone, not pausing to pay anyone any attention.

When you cared, you had something to lose. The only thing she’d cared enough about to risk losing was Fitz, and she did him. And yet… and yet she still waited for him.

Sophie’d probably always be waiting for him.

I’m right where you left me You left me no oh, you left me no You left me no choice but to stay here forever You left me You left me no, oh, you left me no You left me no choice but to stay here forever

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Ch. 70-76

I guess anything I say here is a spoiler, so yeah, this is “Heart of Dreams”, “Relics”, “Heart of Iron”, and the arc “Finest Hour”.  Oh, and “Lunatic Dawn”.   Gotta lotta ground to cover.    Treacherous ground.

Not a whole lot to say about Anderson’s death.  He tried to become a monster using one of the Holy Nails from the True Cross, and then Alucard defeated him anyway, once Seras gave him a little help and a reason to go on living.   Alucard was pretty upset about Anderson’s demise, but Anderson says a few soothing words, and reminds him that Al only became a vampire because he couldn’t stand being a human, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense for him to cry now.  

So yeah, as determined as Anderson was to kill Alucard, he’s a pretty good sport about losing this fight, and he seems to genuinely pity the man.   He wonders how long Alucard will go on living with his regrets, and Al replies “Until my expansive future shatters my expansive past.”  So, if we want to take that literally, I guess he’s trying to find redemption by being a good guy to make up for his years as a bad guy.   Well, he’s been a vampire for 523 years, and a servant of Hellsing for 101 of those years, so I guess maybe he figures if he trucks along for another 321 years that’d balance the scales?  

And maybe I’m finally starting to appreciate some of the complexities of Alucard’s character.   The Team Four Star Abridged series spent some time on his desire for redemption, but I couldn’t tell if it was based on the original material or something they came up with for their own version.   For instance, the Abridged!Alucard rejected the forgiveness offered by God himself, but later Anderson spoke of his desire for redemption and Alucard didn’t dispute that.    It seemed contradictory to me at the time, but the manga does seem to support that.    As Vlad Tepes, he refused to ask God for anything, preferring instead to fight and drive himself and his followers to the limits of endurance and decency as proof of their faith.   

I find that idea heretical, because it suggests that a person can “earn” God’s favor, or God’s forgiveness, or a place in heaven.    Arguably, Anderson tried to do the same thing, but I think he was coming more from a place of doing zealous deeds out of gratitude for the Lord’s grace, rather than trying to earn anything he didn’t already have.  

The difference with Alucard is that he seemed to be really wrongheaded about his faith, trying to use violence to become a good person.   Then it didn’t work, and he became a vampire, devoted entirely to his own selfish desires, and I guess he’s spent the 20th Century realizing that he’s back where he started, trying to fight his way to redemption, only now he has centuries of red in his ledger instead of mere decades.   

Oh, anyway, while this is going on, Integra takes a sword and stands it upright so it looks like a cross to mark Anderson’s death.   It’s like this quiet sign of respect.   I’m not sure whose sword that is, but it looks like the one Alucard was using in his Dracula persona.   

Anyway, fuck all that, because Walter finally shows up and stomps the ashes of Anderson just as everyone was having their final farewell with the guy.  Rude.

Young Walter just looks kind of stupid to me.  Why is he still wearing the monocle?  He’s trying to be 14 and 69 at the same time and failing at both.

Seras asks what Millennium did to him, but Walter makes it clear that this isn’t some brainwashing trope.   He’s doing this of his own free will.

He also doesn’t consider himself loyal to Millennium.    They turned him into a vampire, but he’s doing this for himself, and he’s only cooperating with them because their goals are in alignment.  

Yumiko Takagi tries to kill Walter for... Was she mad at him for stomping on Anderson’s remains?    I mean, Alucard’s the one who actually killed Anderson, so shouldn’t she be mad at that guy? 

It doesn’t matter, because Walt just slices her into pieces with his magic filaments.    Now Heinkel Wolfe wants revenge, because she was her long-time partner in assassin stuff.   The TFS Abridged series implied that they were lovers, too, which seemed authentic at the time, but I’m not sure there’s any confirmation to be found in the manga itself. 

But before she can take the shot, the Captain shows up and shoots Heinkel in the face.    Like, through one cheek  and out the other, and the only thing saving her from serious injury was that she happened to have her mouth open at the time.  

Side note: I caught myself referring to Heinkel as “him”, which frustrates me because I’ve known she was a woman for like five years now.    When I first watched the OVA, I was confused, becuase I could tell it was a female voice actor, but maybe that just meant he was really young, like with Schrodinger.   But the Hellsing Wiki set me straight, or so I thought.    I didn’t think I’d still be making this mistake. 

On the other hand, Yumiko sometimes looks a lot like Goemon from Lupin III, so her wearing a nun’s habit isn’t as heteronormative as it might seem.  I’m getting off-track.

You’d think this would be leading up to some big double-team on the Hellsing group, now that the Iscariots are out of the picture, but the Captain’s only stopping Heinkel so Walter can have a clear shot at Alucard.    That’s the sole reason Walter turned traitor, you see.   He wants to fight Alucard and win, and for the last 55 years they’ve been on the same side.  

But is that all it is?   I never got to read or watch “Hellsing: The Dawn”, the prequel manga Kouta Hirano created after Hellsing.  I’ve heard that it never got finished, but also an anime adaptation was released with the home video release of Hellsing Ultimate Episode VIII.  All I really know about it was that there was this time where Alucard and Walter were fighting the Nazis, and the Captain showed up, and Alucard ran away because he didn’t think he could beat that dude. Presumably, he left Walter to fend for himself?   But all three of them survived until 1999, so I’m not sure what the outcome of that was.   I always wondered if Walter held a grudge over that.   But maybe I’m reaching. 

There’s also a suggestion of professional jealousy.  Walter was a rockstar vampire hunter in his youth, but he’s been overshadowed by Alucard, who is--let’s face it-- a living legend.  This would be doubly true in the 90′s, when Integra reawakened Alucard, and Walter having to step back even further from the spotlight.  The only way for him to reclaim his former glory would be to challenge the greatest of all vampires and win.    He’d go down in history as a traitor, but at least he’d be cemented as the absolute best.  

Or... or, you can go with the TFS version, where Walter hints at his motives, only for Alucard to take the wind out of his sails and announce “because you wanna fuck me!”   And I love that theory more than any other explanation, because it just brings everything together a lot more neatly.   I guess you don’t need Walter to have had a crush on Alucard for 55 years, but it’s a lot more compelling than revenge or professional jealousy.    Those things have weight, sure, but they work better as distractions, the things Walter might admit to because they hide the deeper reason that he can’t bring himself to say out loud.   

And it’s not entirely rejected by the manga.  Alucard remarks on how much more beautiful Walter looked in his old age, compared to this treasonous knockoff vampire look he’s sporting now.   The last time he spoke this way, it was when he flirted with Queen Elizabeth II.   The next time he does it, it’ll be with Sir Integra when she’s in her early 50′s.

Speaking of QE2, she’s safe and sound, because the Secret Service evacuated her to a fortified location in Dover before Millennium attacked.   If things get really hairy, they’re prepared to send her to Canada, and if London can’t be secured, they’ll nuke the whole city, though the Queen is certain that Integra and Alucard will win the day.  The vampires acting as Millennium agents outside of London are being contained and destroyed, so things seem to be getting under some semblance of control.  

However, the Royal Order of Protestant Knights, also known as the “Round Table” is down to just three surviving members.   Integra’s in London, but here we have Rob Walsh and Hugh Irons, reflecting on the death of their fellow Round Tabler, Penwood.  

This whole scene struck me as a complete non sequitur when I first saw it in the anime.  Walter’s betrayal seemed to sudden and poorly explained that it felt like the author was just winging it by this point, and now we have these two dudes struggling to provide some justification for the twist.    But reading this manga in 2021, I find that it makes a lot more sense.    We’ve already seen tons of Britons in rather lofty positions, all willing to sell out their principles for a chance to become a vampire.   Walter is no different from any of them.   It’s just more personal when he does it because we actually know the guy.  

But as Walsh discusses the utter debacle of this Millennium invasion, he deduces what we’ve just learned back in London.   There must have been a traitor in their ranks, because that’s the only way Millennium could have made it this far.   I mean, they just flew a bunch of giant blimps full of rockets right into British airspace.   That only worked because they had traitors sabotaging the U.K.’s defenses and communications, and Hellsing was especially vulnerable at the same time.  

The only thing Walsh can’t figure out is who the traitor was, since it had to be someone at the Round Table, but they’re all dead now, except for Integra, Irons, and himself. 

But Irons fills in the missing pieces.   It doesn’t have to have been one of the Round Table’s members, but someone close to one of the members.   Years ago, Irons warned Walter about Richard Hellsing.   Irons knew that when Arthur died, Richard would try to make a play for the Hellsing estate.   But when Irons’ fears came to pass, Walter wasn’t there.   It’s like he wanted things to play out the way they did.  

But why would Walter want events to play out that way?   On her own, Integra had no choice but to unseal Alucard to defend herself, and she’s kept Alucard active ever since.   And now, lo and behold, Walter reveals that he turned traitor just so he could take on Alucard.   It’s like he arranged for all of this to happen years in advance.   But how many years?    Fifty-five, Irons wonders.   

It’s never explicitly confirmed, but Irons’ reasoning makes too much sense to ignore.    Earlier, the Major said that he decided back in ‘44 that Walter “Angel of Death” Dornez would have been a good “get” for his side.    Now, Irons is suggesting that Walter might have agreed in the same year.   So maybe Walter and the Major made a secret agreement even then.   It’s possible that they might have done it later, but why not in 1944?

I mean, the whole backstory here is that Millennium is a continuation of a secret Nazi Vampire project that Walter and Alucard destroyed in 1944.   Except they didn’t destroy it at all, which sure makes Walter and Al seem very bad at their jobs, unless Walter let them escape and covered it up.

Meanwhile, the Captain tosses a first aid kit to Heinkel, kind of like he’s saying that he doesn’t want to kill Heinkel, but he can’t let her interfere either.   We’ll talk about the Captain later.

As for Alucard vs. Walter, Al wants to check with Integra before he goes through with it.   He asks for orders, repeating his big speech from when he killed all those cops in Brazil.    Yeah, Walter’s a traitor, but he’s been a close mentor and advisor to Integra for all these years.   Does she really want Alucard to killerize his ass?

Yes, she does.   If Walter stands against them, then he’s the enemy, and Integra has already ordered Alucard to destroy the enemy, no matter who (snif!) they may be.  Integra doesn’t relish this command, but she refuses to compromise over sentimental feelings.

Man, fuck you, Walter.  

Then the Major lands his airship near the battlefield and invites Integra to come aboard and fight all of his remaining guys.    Alucard orders Seras to join her while he deals with Walter.   I can appreciate Seras’ concern here, because the last time she watched Alucard fight alone, he took a flaming bayonet to the face.   She probably doesn’t care for Integra and Alucard splitting up like this.

Before she goes, she thanks Walter for all of his support, which disarms Walter for just a moment.   Man, fuck you, Walter.   Seras is so nice and grateful and polite and cool and you just go right ahead with your 55-years-in-the-making Nazi Vampire Jilted Lover scheme.  Fuck you, Walter.   You don’t deserve to be in Seras’ life.

So the gals go on board the airship and Schrodinger’s there and Integra just shoots him right between the eyes without bothering to slow down.    This is maybe my favorite Integra moment in this thing.    I sort of wish Kouta Hirano had done a spin-off of Integra and Seras doing cool shit like this for 30 years.

Alucard taunts Walter with the fact that he no longer gets to be a part of Inegra or Seras’ lives anymore.   It sounds kind of petty, but when you think about it, it’s a pretty sick burn.    Walter may have been planning this for 55 years, but he still had to live that double life, and it’s not like he can just say he was faking it the entire time.  

So they fight.   Walter’s magic wire powers seem to be amplified, either because of his restored youth or maybe the boost offered by vampire powers, or maybe he’s always been this strong but now he no longer needs to hold back anymore.  For instance, he can make mesh screens with his wires to deflect Alucard’s bullets.   And when Alucard summons that dog creature he used to dispatch Luke Valentine....

... Walter just bisects it with a flick of the wrist.   You really begin to see why he was “The Angel of Death” back in his heyday.  

I never understood what this dog familiar was supposed to be.   Walter refers to the Hound of the Baskervilles, but as far as I know that’s just a legend confined to the Sherlock Holmes novel of the same name.   But apparently that concept was based upon “black dog” folklore of the same region.  There’s a whole laundry list of “black dog” apparitions in Britain alone.   Black Shuck, Padfoot, Hairy Jack, Bizarro Snoopy, and so on.   So I’m not sure if Hirano is saying that Alucard was the source of these legends, or if they were all based on a single creature which Alucard eventually defeated and absorbed into himself.   

Al tries to use the Jackal to kill Walter, but that’s kind of stupid, since Walter designed the gun in the first place.   In the anime, I thought Walter somehow triggered a bomb he had planted inside it, but maybe he used his wires to make this happen.   It doesn’t really matter, because we already saw that the Casull was useless against Walter’s defenses, and not because it had smaller ammunition.  

Then Luke Valentine emerges from the black dog’s body.   This part never made any sense to me, but I loved how the Major recognized him, but barely.  “Oh yeah, it’s that guy from Volume 2!    The guy with the brother.”

The doctor suggests that when the dog was killed, this allowed Luke to reassert himself from inside the dog.   Something about a “control ratio”, whatever that is.  Like, he was absorbed into the dog’s mass, but now that the dog is no longer conscious, he can think for himself again.    Notably, only half of Luke actually makes it out .   It’s like he’s half-Luke, half dead dog monster. 

But before he can do anything else, Walter puts his wires into Luke and starts controlling him like a puppet, mostly so he can use the dog half to attack Alucard.

Alucard seems more impressed than threatened.   Keep in mind, Walter was doing pretty damn well against him early on.   You’ll notice Alucard’s missing his right arm along with one of his guns.   This is better than Anderson managed to do.   So why does Walter even need this Luke-dog puppet thing in the first place?

Well, it’s because Walter’s body is giving out on him.   Earlier, when the Doctor was performing the procedure to turn Walter into a vampire, he spoke about how rushed the operation was.  I mean, he had to finish the whole thing in one night, after all.   And Walter’s a lot more powerful than Dandyman, whom the Doctor considered his finest artificial vampire work.    So maybe Walter’s just too powerful for this, and he can’t sustain this form.   The Luke-dog-thing is just to keep Alucard busy while he coughs up blood.

The Major sees this development, and likens Walter to a high stakes gambler who’s mortgaged everything for a single hand at a high stakes table.   Walter’s risked everything just to tangle with Alucard, and it still isn’t enough.

Alucard does manage to finish off the dog-Luke thing, and this sets him up for Walter’s next attack, and then he goes to finish him off, so things seem to be going Walter’s way...

But Alucard used a decoy, disguising Luke’s severed torso as his own, all so he could sucker-punch Walter in the face.   As it turns out, Walter’s physical breakdown is making him younger, which amuses Al to no end.

So Alucard follow suits and assumes the form he once used when they fought the Nazis in 1944.   Yeah, say hello to “Girlycard”.   I’m not sure why Alucard looked like a 14-year-old girl during World War II.   I’ve heard this form described as a Japanese 14-year-old girl, and I can’t dispute it, but it also makes Girlycard seem even more random somehow.   

I mean, I guess the idea here was for Walter and Alucard to be able to move inconspicuously through enemy territory.  No one would suspect a couple of kids until it was too late.   I’m imagining a similar scenario to the ones presented in “Cross Fire”.   Heinkel and Yumi would play innocent bystanders, then whip out their guns and swords and go ham on the bad guys.    Knowing Hirano’s style, maybe Girlycard and Young Walter operated the same way.  

And this further supports the Walter-had-an-unrequited-crush-on-Alucard theory.   He might have understood that Girlycard was a disguise.  On an intellectual level he might have known, but maybe he still carried a torch, and told himself that there was some way that they could be together.   Was he just in love with this disguise, or does he love the real thing?  Alucard says that he told Walter the truth decades ago, and claims that this is the reason Walter turned traitor, so yeah, it sure feels like Walter couldn’t handle Alucard’s true nature, one way or another.   

I mean, let’s assume that this isn’t just about Alucard not being a cute girl.  Maybe Walter fell in love with Alucard in all his forms, whatever that means for his sexuality.    The bigger issue is that Alucard’s a vampire, and he’s just fundamentally different from Walter, and maybe that was the problem all along.   It’s interesting to think about, but the point here would be that there was some kind of problem, and Walter couldn’t let it go.

Meanwhile, Seras and Integra are busy looking like total BMFs.   Just HBIC’s.   What’s better than this?   Two gals bein’ pals.   

Hell yeah!

Bad ass!

The vampires on board this airship are happy to meet their doom, and Integra recalls what her father once told her about how vampires want to die on their own terms.   Seras doesn’t get it, because if they want to die so badly, they could have just died in the war they were already in fifty-odd years ago.  

So the Major gets on the PA system and explains to her that they want more than just a glorious death.   They want bigger, better, more perfect battlefield, so as to make their deaths as meaningful as possible.  That’s why I don’t understand that airship captain from a while back.   Everyone else in Millennium seemed to understand that they weren’t necessarily fighting to win.   Britain is prepared to nuke London if they have to, so it’s hard to imagine anyone in Millennium surviving past today, even if they won.  

Anyway, as the Major explains all of this, the Captain appears before the gals.  It looks like he’s here to stop them, or is he?

[moontheoretist]

“Am I hallucinating?” he asks Bruce the next time he opens his eyes. Thor’s there too, but the room is otherwise empty. He’s surprised by how lonely that leaves him feeling, because even if he knows he's hallucinating, that doesn't mean he doesn't want Steve and Bucky around him. It turns out these pesky emotions are a lot harder to push aside when he’s drugged. “Hallucinating?” Bruce echoes, eyebrows drawing together. Tony’s only seen him once or twice since he woke up, but there’s new lines in Bruce’s face. Even Thor seems burdened, and he’s not sure why. “I keep seeing Steve and Bucky hanging around. Actually, I keep seeing all of you in here and I don’t know why. I thought maybe this was just a dream where I’d been rescued. I had a lot of those in Afghanistan,” he adds by way of explanation, and Bruce’s and Thor’s expressions go pinched in the exact same way. “This is no dream,” Thor says after a moment. “Isn’t that what you would tell me in a dream?” Tony points out. Thor sighs. “I suppose it would. But tell me, did you frequently have the same dream in Afghanistan? When you slept, did you always reawaken in the same place, with the same people, where nothing was different?” Tony pauses, stumped, because Thor’s got him there. Sleep was a rare commodity back then, but when he passed out he did have a lot of dreams where he was rescued, and he definitely had some favorites. He dreamt about Rhodey storming the caves, about coming back to New York to find Obie waiting for him, about Pepper's hands on his face. But the smaller details were always different in some way, in the way that dreams are. Now, though. He always wakes up in the same bed, surrounded by the same equipment, with the same sights and smells. The scene out the window changes depending on whether it's day or night, but it's always the New York skyline. The same doctor and nurses come and go. The same janitor walks by the room at exactly half past two every morning, waking Tony up with the squeaky bucket. “I am a god, and even in a dream I would not lie to you about something so important,” Thor says, very gentle, and sets a hand on Tony’s arm. “You are not dreaming, Tony Stark. You are awake.” The thin fizzle of power emanating from Thor’s fingertips makes the hair on Tony’s arms stand on end. “Then why?” he says, not looking up at either of them. “I don’t get it.” “We watched you,” says Bruce, and it’s such a simple explanation, a ‘duh’ moment really, but Tony’s been fighting not to string that together ever since he woke up with enough lucidity to remember the majority of his conversation with Pepper and Rhodey. He goes cold, because even though he doesn’t remember everything that happened, he remembers running his mouth off about what the team really thinks about him. Still, he hadn’t lied. He was honest. There's no reason for anyone to be mad. Slowly, he looks up. “Watched me…?” “They sent us footage,” Thor says, grave now. Sparks dance in his eyes, the only hint of his anger. “Of their transgressions, and of what you said in response. It grieves us all that you believe no one cares for you, or would care if you were to die. No one is easily replaced, but you least of all.” To hear Thor lay it out so blatantly, where anyone else would’ve danced around it, aches in a way that drugs can’t help. Tony shakes his head, fumbling a laugh, and pats clumsily at Thor’s hand. “Thanks, big guy, but I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who thinks that way.” “Tony. That’s not true.” Bruce looks pained. He’s holding the clipboard with all of Tony’s medical information on it a little too tightly, though there’s no green to his features yet. “Actually, it is. Do you need me to run down the list?” “There’s a list?” Bruce says, then shakes his head. “Of course there’s a list. You know what, I’ll let the others handle their bit later. But Tony – I don’t need toys from you. You were the first person ever who honestly wasn’t afraid of the other guy. That means more to me than anything else you have to offer. I didn’t come back to the tower with you that day because you said you’d give me a lab. I came back because you were, and still are, my friend.” Tony swallows. “But you like your lab.” “Of course I do. I’m a scientist. SHIELD would’ve given me a lab too, you know. And it would’ve been filled with lots of people who flinch every time I walk by, who dive for cover when I drop something, and who would be terrified to touch me, much less poke me with sharp objects.” “That’s for science,” Tony says automatically, and Bruce just smiles at him. Tony can't bring himself to smile back, and not just because his whole body is starting to hurt. He can't let himself have this, can he? “Was it also for science when you opened your home to me?” Thor asks him. “You made me, and my fair Jane and her friends, feel welcome in your home, even though it was not necessary. You offer food and shelter and fix the damage I inadvertently cause, and you never ask anything in return, except that I stand beside you both in battle and off. Does that not make us shield brothers?” “I…” Tony is speechless in the face of their combined earnestness. Out of the whole team, he thought that maybe Bruce and Thor might tolerate him the most. Thor likes everyone, and Bruce seems to dislike everyone equally. But this? This level of friendship is more than he hoped for. He turns to Bruce and lamely finishes with, “But I poke you.” Bruce shrugs. “It’s for science,” he says with a smirk. “And Tony, I’ve had a hell of a lot worse. I trust you not to take it too far.” “As do I,” Thor says. “I would trust you with the life of my fair Jane, and with the inner workings of the Bifrost.” Tony’s mouth falls open. This is something he’s never dared to ask for, but he’s not even surprised that Thor’s guessed he wants to know. It takes effort to squeak out, “What?” “When you are well, I will tell you all you wish to know.” Thor pats his arm, hard enough to leave a bruise on top of all Tony's other bruises, and takes a step back. “For we are shield brothers, and there is nothing I would not trust you with.” “Oh, that’s a mistake,” Tony breathes, rattled to his core. It’s hard not to be when a god is looking him in the eyes and saying those kinds of things. Or maybe that’s just the pain, because Thor patting his arm has set off a full scale chain reaction and now everything hurts. “I don’t think so,” says Bruce. “I think that those secrets would be safer with you than anyone else on Earth. And I’m not just saying that, either. I mean it.” He finally sets the clipboard down on the end of Tony’s bed. “You should know the other guy feels the same way. He wouldn’t bother to work with or save anyone he thought was a fuck-up.” Tony just stares at him for a long time, then looks at Thor, before looking back at Bruce, now more than ever convinced he’s hallucinating. In the end, the only thing he can think to ask is, “Wait, what did you mean when you said you’d let the others handle their bit later?” Bruce chuckles fondly. “Oh Tony.”

and you needed someone to show you the way by SailorChibi

[wthelvetica21]

Linked Souls / Decent Le Macabre MSA Side Part 2

(abandoned mining site) 

The cave had a topaz orange aura to it that made it feel like perpetual twilight. There was something wistful and mournful about it. It definitely didn’t have the same oppressive air to it like a certain other cave they are all too familiar with. However, there was something about it that put everyone even a vengeful ghost like Lewis on edge.

Lewis: I have no clue what this place even is. It doesn’t feel like that cave but something is off about it and I ain’t sure what.

Arthur: Aside from the fact we are FREAKING INSIDE A LARGE TOMBSTONE SHAPED BUTTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT! Isn’t that still kind of ominous to you guys like at all? I heard this place is literally called “the living tombstone”.  Folks from around town been talking about it for years. 

Vivi : Oh I know right. They’re rumors going around that this place houses the elevator to the after life. The reason why they call it “the living tombstone” was because people could see their loved ones in the afterlife. That’s why some people say they could hear music from this place. It’s kinda like Día de Muertos

Arthur: So a big party or something? …Well that doesn’t sound too bad…

Lewis: Really? I thought I heard it was a gate way to hell or purgatory. They were people who said they heard screams from this place too. But the Día de Muertos vibe I totally dig.

Arthur: Okay, now I want outta here. Where’s the exit again? 

Mystery: …! *hunching over growling* It’s somewhere in here: be on your guard. 

Lewis: What? Where is the damn thing? Oh shit it’s getting away again? YOU AIN’T GOIN’ NOWHERE!

Lewis summons at least 12 of his deadbeats to capture the sentient gang green arm. But it keeps on avoiding them as they try to bite or grab it. Lewis and Mystery could hear the spirit gloating at them.

Malicious Spirit : Fat chance you purple bed sheet assholes, no way you’re gonna catch me. You ain’t that scary either.

Lewis: Oh really? (He says darkly) I’ll show you scary you green little shit…

Lewis dematerializes into ghostly magenta flames to get at the possessed arm.

Mystery : Let’s move! There is only one way this time. We need to catch up to Lewis.

Mystery switches to his larger kitsune form to get Vivi on his back and tassel Arthur in his tails heading in towards a light at the end of the tunnel ahead of them

The rest of the Mystery Skulls gang found themselves on a large octagonal elevator platform. It was old and rusted over like it hasn’t been operational in decades. They see that Lewis caught the arm ; it was struggling to free itself from Lewis’s grip. Mystery could hear the malicious spirit speak again.

Malicious Spirit : Ha… you’re all such rubes it ain’t even funny. Yous suckers fell directly into our trap. Ya sure you still have a brain in that head? Not a ghost of a chance in hell. (evil cackling)

Lewis: What the hell are you talking about? And who’s is “our”? Answer ME YOU GREEN A… !?

Lewis could feel the ground shake and spots the platform the others are on start to move.

Vivi: Huh.. Is this thing even stable are we?…

Arthur: WE’RE GONNA FALL! OH SHIT IT’S ALL OVER! We’re gonna die here...

Mystery: Get close to me… Both of you!

    Mystery wraps his tails around Vivi and Arthur to make sure that if the platform falls he’ll get them out safely.

Lewis: *low growl* Shit… I’M COMING GUYS, HANG ON!!!

*He then teleports to their location letting go of the green arm.*

They hear loud clicking and cranking noises. The platform started to shake . The exit way was blocked by a pile of rubble. Lewis could get a glimpse of something blue green dashing on the cave walls but couldn’t make it out. Then they could hear something or someone say…

— Ani mal —

Lewis: ehh What was that? Did someone say something? Mystery?

Mystery: It wasn’t me... It sounded like it’s coming from this mine shaft below us. Guess those rumors had a grain of truth in them after all.

Lewis: What? That makes no g— da- whoa. shit… What now?

    The elevator platform starts to slowly descend into the abyss below. They where indeed going down into this pit.

thud - creek (slow clicking of gears)

They hear a large thud echoing around them like the walls are caving in on themselves. A faint bass line and low guitar start playing along side a robotic voice saying something along the lines of “Animal”

Arthur: Is that music I’m hearing right now or is it someone calling for help? Whatever this is really REALLY BAD GUYS! … Oh crap. OH CRAP GUYS! I THINK WE’RE DROPPING FASTER!

thud - creek (clicking of gears)

Vivi: What? Hey I hear it too. But something feels… off about it.. I don’t know what. Ekkk!

thud - creek (fast clicking)

the platform started diving deeper in the abyss below at a frightening faster rate. It almost felt like they where in a free fall. Mystery grabbed Arthur with his tails while Lewis held Vivi in his arms for the first time since he became a ghost. Lewis mid way felt this pang similar to when he reawakened as a ghost.

Lewis: !? What’s this… feeling? Why do I feel dizzy all the sudden…?

He collapsed on the floor of the platform on his knees clutching his head.

Mystery, Vivi, and Arthur : LEWIS!!!

Vivi: Are you alright? … Lew… please… 

Arthur: Aw crap this can’t… be… good…. OH SHI…

Mystery: Brace… for … impact… going faster….  keep .. him…

Lewis couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation; he felt his very consciousness crumbling. Before blacking out he could here someone say…

I’m like a creature from a ... I don’t feel like my self … I can’t tell If I’m still …

Lewis: Who’s that? Is it all in my head… Am I passing over… I’m sorry for everything I’ve put ya’ll through even you Arthur. I was such a dumbass… But it just can’t end like this right?…

End of Transmission 

Mental link established / warning bonding process is likely to be compromised / executing code 24:15

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #439: The Day They All Became Family (Danganronpa Goodbye Despair)

Fuyuhiko: You want me to do what now?

Sonia: (Gives Fuyuhiko a Determined Look on Her Face) We want you to make us your brother and sisters!

Akane: (Smiles Brightly) Yeah, man. We wanna make this official!

Souda: You made Hajime as one, so why not us too?

Fuyuhiko: (Turns to Hajime) You told them?

Hajime: ('Sigh') I accidentally blurted it out. Though, they all seemed pretty on board with it once I elaborated on how our brotherhood ritual works.

Fuyuhiko: (Turns Back to his Three Companions) Seriously?

Sonia: (Simply Nodded) That is correct. We would love nothing more than to form ourselves a family-hood ritual with one another.

Souda: (Chuckles Lightly) It's sounds pretty lit in hindsight.

Akane: (Nodded with a Smile on Her Face)

Fuyuhiko: (Sighs Softly As He Got Up From His Chair) Alright. (Make His Way to the Store) If that what you guys really want....

Akane: Where are you going?

Fuyuhiko: To see if that mini store still got what I need for our ritual. (Walks Out the Door) I'll be right back.

Sonia: (Yells at the Door) Have a safe travels! ('Sigh Happily') I can't wait for our ritual....

Hajime: (Chuckles Lightly) I can tell. Did not expect all of you guys to be on board with this. Speaking of which, did any of you have any siblings back in your homes or....

Souda: Nope. I'm an only child.

Sonia: (Eyes Lit Up in Joy) I've always dreamed of having a sibling of my own ever since I was a little girl.

Akane: I have some little brothers and sisters......(Starts to Frown Sadly) Or....I.....used to have them.......

Sonia gives Akane a Soft, Reassuring Hug while the two guys stares at her with worry in their eyes.

Akane: Guys, relax. I'll be fine. Really.

Sonia: We want want to make sure just in case.

Hajime: You know we're all here if you need someone to talk to, right?

Akane: Yeah yeah. I know...(Smiles a Little While Placing Her Hand on Top of Sonia's) Thanks.

Souda: (Gives a Thumbs up to Akane With a Toothy Smile) Anytime.

Fuyuhiko: (Walks Back In the Room with a bag in his hand) I'm back!

Sonia: Welcome Back!

Souda: (Noticed Something Somewhat Familiar to Him) Woah...Is that-

Fuyuhiko: Relax. It's just a bottle of water. (Gives His Group of Friends a Serious Glare) And so you know, I don't want any of you fuckers drinking any form of alcohol, got it?!

Hajime: Uhhhhh.... Fuyuhiko....You do know that we're not really teenagers anymore, right?

Fuyuhiko: ...........Shit. You're right.........But my point still kind of stands. None of you drink those stuff if you really don't want to. Got it?

Akane: (Starts Snickering) Relax, Baby Gangsta. We get it.

Souda: (Chuckles Lightly) You sound like someone's dad right now, man.

Fuyuhiko: ('Tch') (Looks Away From the Group With a Blush on His Face) What's wrong with making sure you guys are safe?.....

Sonia: (Smiles Softly) Absolutely nothing at all, Fuyu. (Clap Her Hands Together With Excitement) Okay! Shall we begin with Family-Hood Ritual now?

Fuyuhiko: Okay. (Pulls Out The Bottle and Four Glassed Cups from the Bag, Pouring Water in Each Cup) I'm sure Hajime already filled you in how this whole thing works, right?

Sonia/Souda/Akane: (Nodded as They Remembered Hajime's Words Clearly)

Fuyuhiko: Alright. Well...I guess we should begin now....(Was Able to Shatter The Empty Glass Bottle When Suddenly.....He Abruptly Stops)

Souda: (Starts Getting Worried a Little) Hey man, you alright?

Fuyuhiko: (Turns to his Companions with a Somewhat Nervous Look on his Face) A-Are you guys really sure you want to do this? With me of all people?

Sonia: (Frowns Sadly) What are you saying, Fuyu?

Fuyuhiko: ('Sighs Heavily') All I'm saying is that.... maybe forming a Family-hood or whatever with me might not be the brightest idea. I mean.... I'm a Yakuza...or I was one.....most people would be pretty fearful to even make contact with me. Plus, I was a complete ass to you guys the first time we met in this island. So-

Akane: Fuyuhiko.

Fuyuhiko: (Stops Speaking and Sees Akane Gently Holding Both of His Hands)

Akane: Calm down a little, will ya? Sure, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot and all, but that was way back then. You've really changed a lot since then. (Smiles Brightly) And we couldn't be anymore proud.

Fuyuhiko: (Couldn't Believe What He Is Hearing) You....really mean that?

Akane: Hell yeah I do. I mean, for starters, you tried to help me come to terms with Nekumaru's death. Help me have a better understanding of it. Even now.

Sonia: (Smiles Softly) You did everything you could to aid us with each trials and tribulations we all faced in this island.

Souda: (Chuckles Lightly While Rubbing The Back of His Head Back and Forth) Yeah. I mean..... We've all been through a lot of shit together. Between us been despairs and participating in some insane killing game and whatnot. And no matter what, we've somehow found some way to get through all that, even with a few casualties along the way.

Hajime: (Smiles Softly) We're a team, Fuyuhiko. That's why you mean a lot to us. Exactly how we mean a lot to each other-

*CRASH*

Sonia: (Surprised By the Sound of Glass Breaking) F-Fuyu?!

Fuyuhiko: Relax. (Carefully Picked Up The Broken Remains of the Glass Bottle and Please Them In a Nearby Trash Can) It's part of the ritual.

Sonia: "Part of the ritual?" ('GASPS') Does this mean....

Fuyuhiko: Yep....(Smiles Softly) I'm gonna go through with this. I never thought, in a million years, that I would ever get along with you guys.... Probably one of the reasons why I was a little shit since our first meeting in this island....But after all of the bullshit each of us been through here....You guys are starting to become the friends I never even had other than Peko. And I'm really thankful for that, you know?

Akane: (Heart Begins to Melt) Fuyuhiko....

Souda: (Smiles Brightly) Alright! There's anything else you want us to now or......

Hajime: All you had to do now is drinking the water from your cups and throw down to the ground.

Souda: Wait. Seriously? Why would you wanna shatter a perfectly made glass-

Sonia: (Smiles Brightly) LET US COMMENCE THE FAMILY-HOOD RITUAL! (Immediately Drink The Water and Happily Throws her Glass To the Ground)

Akane: HELL YEAH! Now that's what I talkin' about, Princess! (Starts Drinking the Water off her Glass Before Slamming it to the Ground as Well)

Souda: ('Sigh') Okay.....(Drink is Water From his Glass Before Smashing it into the Ground)

Fuyuhiko: Welp. It's official. To this day forward, we're family. And those broken glasses, to me, represent something that could never be broken again. Exactly like our bond right now. So no matter what happens, no matter who stands in our way...... We've always got each other's backs.....(Tears Starting Fell Down From his Face) I promise....

Souda: (Frowns Once He Took Notice By This) Dude....Are you crying?

Fuyuhiko: (Glares At Souda) No! I just...had something in my eyes. Seriously...('Sniff') I'm not gonna stand here....('Sniff') and cry....('Sniff') You hear me?................(Finally Burst Into Tears) DAMNIT!!!

Akane: Aww.... C'mere you. (Gives Fuyuhiko a Soft, Loving Hug) It's okay. Let it all out. We're right here.

Fuyuhiko: I promised myself not to cry in front of you fuckers....('Sniff') I really did.....

Sonia: (Joins in on the Hug) And we very much believe you on the aspect. But we also believe that it's perfect fine to let out your tears every once and while.

Souda: She's right, ya know? (Joins in as Well) Plus, we all have our moments of crying too. So you're definitely not alone in that aspect.

Hajime: (Joins in the Group Hug) It's like you said: We're a Family now. So be sure to expect a lot of emotional hugs from all us of soon, 'kay Baby Gangsta?

Fuyuhiko: Fucking hate you people....

Sonia: (Giggles Softly) We love you too, Fuyuhiko. So very much.

A year or two later, after successfully reawakening their classmates, Sonia practically told everyone, who were comatose at the time, that the Family-Hood Ritual, which immediately had everyone on board. Much to Fuyuhiko dismay....and rather.... true happiness from inside.

@on-2

@albion-93

@keyenuta

@cyber-wildcat

@chompycroc

@26shann

@ma-lemons

[rutilation]

Does mulching a prisoner of war into shiny little woodchips before burying them alive indefinitely count as a violation of the Geneva Conventions?  Asking for a friend.

(Hi guys, I’m back, and I brought 4,400 words with me.)

First of all, my apologies for the nearly five month wait.  Ever since last spring, I haven’t had much time at all to devote to writing and I’ve only been able to work on this essay in small increments.  And yet, despite the fact that I don’t have the time to do so, this essay somehow turned into a bloated treatise on the failings of gem society.  Truly, I am a slave to my obsessions.

I’ve refrained from reading chapter 80 because I just know that if I do, it will insinuate itself into my brain like a tumor and I won’t be able to concentrate on finishing this essay.  (That said, I did happen to see someone on twitter make a joking reference to third impact in regards to said chapter, so I am certainly Afraid.)  Though my takes may be ice cold by this point, I hope that there are some nuggets of insight to be found in this.  With that said, here are my thoughts on chapters 78 and 79.

While the past two chapters have certainly been…hard to read, I think that their contents have been a long time coming, primarily regarding the parallels between Phos and Kongou, and the uglier undercurrents of gem society reaching their logical conclusion.  (And I gotta say, this display of—for lack of a better term—inhumanity on the part of the gems jives quite well with all the Shirley Jackson I’ve been reading lately. When I get tired of one display of flagrant mob violence, I can quickly flip to another.)  

And then there’s the matter of the gems on the moon…  I remember that when I first got into hnk, which was right around the time when Phos and the others left for the moon, everyone was afraid that Phos would go off the deep end and the gems stuck on the moon would end up as collateral damage in Phos’s quest for vengeance.  But since Ichikawa is too powerful us, she said “what if it was the other way around, and Phos is the one getting thrown under the bus while the moon gems start a death cult?”

So there’s a lot to talk about, but let’s address the earth gems first, because these characters sure do live in a society.  (In order to make my prose more tolerable, I encourage my readership to take a shot every time I write the words “gem society.”)

First of all, I’ve seen a number of people interpret Kongou’s line about the gems forgetting Phos very literally, and assume that the earth gems all have Phos-specific amnesia. I highly doubt this is the case, and he probably just means that Phos is now out of sight and out of mind.

As bleak as the situation is, I think it’s been a long time coming.  From the beginning, one of the major philosophical elements of the story has been how the gems’ desire to give meaning to their long lives has compelled them to create a society in which only those with a concrete purpose have value.  The characters see themselves and each other as instrumentally but not inherently valuable.  With so much of the story focused on how this ethos hurts those individuals who aren’t seen as useful, how much it fosters shame and self-hatred, and how much it makes the gems unable and unwilling to help each other through hardship and depression, it makes sense to me that this inhumane mindset would eventually boil over into something truly cruel, and thus the other shoe has finally dropped.  In a strange way, I have more respect for Rutile’s attitude towards the situation than I do the rest of the earth gems (sans Euclase, who I’ll get to in a moment.)  Rutile is treating Phos like an enemy that must be vanquished, whereas the others are treating Phos as a kid treats their dirty clothes when they don’t want to do laundry—by shoving it in the back of a closet and trying to forget about it.  The former strikes me as less dishonest and dehumanizing than the latter.

Even before chapter 79 made it official, I had a gut feeling that the timetable for figuring out what to do with Phos was nonexistent.  I’ll be generous and assume Cinnabar was being sincere in the moment when they implied that they’d put Phos back together eventually.  But just like how everyone ignored Cinnabar’s suffering because there was no compelling incentive to do anything about it, or how they all turned a blind eye to the Kongou/Lunarian situation for millennia, I figured that Phos would end up as another problem they wouldn’t bother solving. (Regarding Cinnabar, while I hope they’re still on good terms with everyone after the time skip, I would not be the least bit surprised if the earth gems started ostracizing them again once it became apparent that there would be no new attacks from the moon and thus no further reason to tolerate their mercury.)

(Bort, please stick up for them.)

And to be clear, this is a problem that the earth gems are refusing to solve in exchange for a short-term sense of security.  If Phos and Kongou had been allowed to hash things out, and this stalemate hadn’t festered for 220 years, then maybe the moon gems wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of starting that aforementioned death cult.  (Tbh, this mostly applies to 84, Yellow, and Dia, since Cairn has been their own personal death cult since chapter 33.)  Even leaving aside how bad things have gotten already, if this state of affairs had continued to drag on, I think the situation would have gotten very ugly the second Aechmea got tired of waiting.  While playing fruit ninja or whatever with Cairngorm, he says something to the effect of losing a battle here or there isn’t important as long as you win the war in the end, which I’m pretty sure is meant to communicate to the audience that Aechmea is playing the long game.  And since he hasn’t done anything in the interim other than reluctantly and incrementally humor Cairngorm’s pet project, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he’s biding his time specifically for Phos, and that he’s counting on them eventually being reawakened.  In that case, what would have happened if Kongou had been too meek to interfere, and the gems succeeded in getting rid of Phos for good?  If Aechmea eventually gave up on his current scheme, scrapped working with Phos, and came up with a new plan, I’m betting things would quickly devolve into heinous war crimes since he’s only played nice so far in order to keep Phos on his side.

In chapter 78, we get to see two instances of the most common nugget of gem wisdom: only act when you’re guaranteed to succeed, and never take risks.  It been a common refrain, with Antarc, and more subtly, Dia being the only gems aside from Phos to push back against that sentiment.  And to be clear, I’m not saying any one of these iterations necessarily are bad advice, but it’s become increasingly obvious that it’s the only acceptable mode of dealing with problems in gem society.  More on that in a minute.

So, uh, regarding Euclase, here’s an exclusive picture of me, after I’d spent months writing: “Gee, this Euclase character seems pretty shady, but I have faith in Cinnabar, Bort, and Jade to act humanely!’

That said, I think I got at least one aspect of their characterization right in my Euclase-focused essay—that they have a greater comprehension of their mortality than most.  Unlike the other gems, they’re not childishly naïve enough to believe that ignoring their problems will save them; they understand that death is always around the corner, and that the (mostly) tranquil life the gems lead requires constant maintenance.  Simply sliding down the path of least resistance will come back to bite them all in the ass later down the line, and Euclase knows it.  That’s probably why they at least went through the motions of asking Kongou to pray every day for two hundred twenty years.

This is a bit of a tangent, but regarding my earlier point about the gems not commiserating at all, Peridot and Sphene come across as anomalies in that they helped each other through their grief over their lost partners, but that doesn’t seem to happen all that often.  As we see in the aftermath of the winter arc, it seemingly did not occur to any of the gems who had lost friends of their own to try and help Phos through their grief.  And I think it’s likely that they weren’t given much comfort in their hours of need either.  Yellow bottled up their grief, Alex and (presumably) Red Beryl threw themselves into their work to the point of obsession, and Ghost seemed to have largely withdrawn from everyone else.  But none of them really healed or helped anyone else heal.  Despite their society placing a high value on interdependence, the gems are truly alone when they have to reckon with complicated or inconvenient emotions.

It may be hard to remember, but Phos was once influenced by all these toxic mindsets as well.  Recall Phos’s conversation with Benito in chapter two: it implies that Cinnabar did live with the other gems during Phos’s lifetime, recently enough that Phos expects to find them in their room.  From this we can infer that our kindhearted Phos never reached out to the clearly lonely Cinnabar while they were actually around, and didn’t even notice when they left the school for good.  They may have had the potential for kindness from a very young age, but it was only when they were hit with with the stark truth of Cinnabar’s suffering that they snapped out of the fog of apathy that seems to surround the gems.

In fact, it almost seems like the struggle to drag the gems kicking and screaming out of their comfort zone is a macrocosm for what Phos had to grow out of at the beginning of the series.  You’ll recall that once upon a time they were lazy, wanted easy solutions to their problems, and had no faith in their ability to effect change.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say that in the eyes of gem society, the problem wasn’t really that Phos was lazy, it’s that their laziness manifested in the wrong ways.  They were supposed to be fastidious and reliable about things like crafting, or fighting, or writing reports, but apathetic towards anything that requires more nuance or imagination than that, kindness or cruelty be damned.

All this is cast into even sharper relief if you think back on the arc with Ventricosus.  She was in far more dire straits than the earth gems are now, and had a compelling incentive to throw Phos under the bus.  But in the end, that wasn’t a line she was willing to cross.  Her final line: “If we’re not willing to change our ways, we’ll end up just like the Lunarians,” seems quite portentous in retrospect.  I don’t think Ichikawa is positing that being immortal makes you a sociopath, otherwise characters like Kongou, Yellow, and Padpa wouldn’t be such cinnamon buns.  But I think she is insinuating that someone who refuses to change is dooming themselves to a state of perpetual immaturity, and that being truly kind requires growing up a bit.  It’s a harder for someone who knows they’ll die one day to remain in a state of arrested development than it is for someone who could indefinitely procrastinate on growing up, and just focus all their mental energy into making paper or whatever for all of eternity.

And this seems as good a point as any to stop harping on gem society and start talking about the gems on the moon, starting with my muse, my most problematic of faves.

I brought up in my chapter 77 essay that Aechmea may not be willing to divulge what he was about to tell Cairn, and that was exactly what happened.  Since he’s only willing to share this mysterious information if he literally would not be around for the fall out, I’m guessing that whatever this secret is, it’s not benign.  And while Cairn has probably put it out of their mind by chapter 79, it’s clear that it’s bugging them before the time skip.  I smell a shocking revelation brewing and I dread to imagine what could possibly top mind-control eyeballs.  Make no mistake, I’ve devoted an embarrassing amount of brainspace the past nine months or so to contemplating what it will look like when the other shoe finally drops for Cairn’s character arc.  (Is there a German word for the ambivalence that arises from wanting to call future plot twists for bragging rights, but not wanting to look like a dipshit if your predictions are wrong?)

Their line from chapter 78 that I alluded to earlier in this essay is rather interesting to me, because although they’re referring to Phos, they might as well be talking about Aechmea.  They exhausted themselves to their breaking point trying to look after someone who didn’t take care of themselves, but they’ve nonetheless latched onto someone who is also seeking self-destruction.  And as I pointed out earlier in this essay, this line also serves as yet another iteration of the defeatist sentiment that the gems often espouse.  But, for a while, it had seemed like Cairn was moving away from that.  The decision Cairn made in chapter 67 was certainly…fraught.  But, one can’t deny that it wasn’t a brave one on their part, to leave behind everything they knew and cared about for a shot at living authentically; the only problem was that they undercut that step forward by returning to their chronic doormat tendencies.  And again in chapter 70, they took a risk by sneaking off to earth knowing that Aechmea would pitch a fit later.  But ever since chapter 75, they’ve been backsliding.  As said chapter pointed out, their wish has shifted from wanting freedom to wanting what amounts to eternal codependency.  I also find it interesting that Cairngorm apparently hasn’t bothered with getting a new name, and is just copying Aechmea’s shtick of going by his title.  They’ve gone from sharing a name with Ghost, to having their own name, to not having a name at all.  In conclusion, my child is a god damned mess.

I know I said I was done talking about gem society, but I guess I’m not.  Going back to what I said in the last paragraph, about Phos not taking care of themselves, that’s been a reoccurring element throughout the series, and in my opinion, it was a significant contributor to the breakdown of Phos’s relationships.  The reason Phos never just tried to make friends with Cinnabar—which is what the latter really wanted, and only focused their efforts on following through on their promise, was because Phos’s self-loathing runs so deep that it doesn’t occur to them that anyone would actually want their company for its own sake. Chapter 14 is the most direct allusion to this in my mind.  Phos clearly wants to talk to Cinnabar, but instead they hide away and mutter that they’d have nothing to say to them.  And as I touched on a moment ago, Phos’s self-destructive tendencies wore down Cairngorm over the course of their partnership.  

But, here’s the thing: Phos’s self-loathing isn’t some immutable part of their nature, it was instilled in them by their society from the moment it became apparent that Phos couldn’t slot neatly into a role.  This is very apparent in the early chapters, in which no one ever misses an opportunity to remind Phos of their uselessness (except Dia, bless their heart.)  Back then, they pretended to not care about it by way of snark and bravado, but in truth, I think it warped their self-perception in an incredibly negative way.  

There’s also something that illustrates this which has been on my mind for a while, but I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about it.  When Phos was trapped by their arms during Antarc’s fateful capture, the insult they yelled at their arms to get them moving is the same one that Bort lobbed at them a few times in volume one.  I usually see different translations of the word between the two scenes, but to my non-Japanese-fluent ears, it sounded like the same word to me when I watched the anime.  It was a striking way of implying that this moment of personal growth had been seeded with something more insidious, that their self-loathing is a taint that has followed them across their many incarnations.  I’m not the first one to point this out, but there’s always been a certain tension within the text regarding Phos’s changes.  On one hand, their courage to change is framed as admirable and heroic, but on the other hand, they’re also hurting themselves because of social pressure to avoid being useless, which is kind of awful.  I think the narrative resolves this tension by making Phos’s quest for validation something which would eventually lead them to try and tear down the status quo that they hurt themselves for in the first place.  

Okay, back to the moon gems.  I’ve reread the part of chapter 79 focused on the moon several times, and it just feels more ominous with each iteration.  What exactly was their idea of administering therapy for Yellow?  Why is Amethyst on board with Cairn’s death bullshit?  Why is Dia okay with it?  Why did they stop fixing the dusted gems?  And most concerning, where are the other three gems—especially Alex who would probably be extremely opposed to halting the gem restoration?  It feels as if there’s something terrible just out of our field of view and chapter 79 is dancing around it.  (But hey, my intuition was wrong about Euclase so maybe when I read chapter 80 Ichikawa will tell me that Alex, Goshe, and Benito were at moon-disneyland the whole time, and that Aechmea is a real swell guy, actually.)

(No, I’m not bitter in the least.)

I also find it interesting that in chapter 79, Cairn is espousing a lot of the same sentiments as poor Yellow, but since they can mask the dysfunction better, they’re treated as an expert rather than a victim.  In reality, both of them are in serious need of a therapist, which is apparently non-existent in the post-post-apocalypse.

And finally, Barbata continues to be the truest audience surrogate.  I find it interesting that he clearly doesn’t approve of all the bullshit going on, while at the same time being too reticent to do anything about it, aside from some side-eyes and passive-aggressive comments.  Perhaps there will be some payoff to this down the line?

At this point, let’s talk about Kongou, because both his actions and his role as a sort of parallel to Phos in the narrative are fascinating.  I think this is the first time in the story that he’s really done something proactive.  I touched on this in a cursory character analysis I did for him, but to reiterate, the impression I got from his at times obtuse and contradictory behavior was that he had completely given up on trying to solve the Lunarian problem long before the series had begun, and that the only thing cutting through his despair and compelling him to get up in the morning and not just “meditate” forever was the prospect of spending a little more time with the people he loves, even knowing that he couldn’t protect them in any way that mattered.  But watching Phos’s struggle reignited a tiny bit of hope in him, enough that he wanted them to succeed in their efforts, but not enough for him to believe that he himself could make a difference.  To me, that seems like the only explanation that accounts for both his obstinacy when Phos directly confronted him along with his casual acceptance of the path Phos has been walking.

So for him to go behind everyone’s back to fix Phos is quite the departure from his usual passivity, and it tells us that he’d rather subject himself and everyone else to Phos’s brand of chaos than endure stasis that comes with their absence.  And it really does seem like the world enters a stasis along with Phos whenever they end up comatose.  Nothing moves forward, and the only thing to mark the passage of time are small deteriorations: Morga and Goshe are captured, and Cairn quietly becomes suicidal, and this time around, Yellow gradually loses their mind, the Admirabilis that Phos tried to spare overcrowd the tiny waterways they were released into, and the gems on the moon stop caring about whether they live or die.

For a while now, various characters both gem and Lunarian have called Phos their hope, or their savior, or some variation thereupon, and with each new iteration, the sentiment feels more and more ironic.  Time and time again, Phos rises to the occasion only to buckle under pressure, their noble intentions haven’t gotten them good results since, like, chapter 10, and everyone who at one point had faith in them is completely done with them.  And at the end of it all, they don’t have it in them to ask Kongou to pray on anyone’s behalf but their own, as if they’ve become so exhausted that they don’t have the energy to be kind anymore.  And just to rub salt in the wound, their ambiguous phrasing makes it unclear whether Phos is asking to Kongou get rid of the Lunarians or themselves.

All of this seems to mirror what Kongou is implied to have gone through.  He was created to save the souls of humanity, but was ill-equipped for the task, and he’s spent god knows how many millennia dogged by his failure to deliver.  Aechmea’s line in chapter 55 about how his human creators didn’t bother to think about what would happen to him after everyone was gone, in my mind, parallels how Phos has been abandoned by the people who once supported them once they became too much of an inconvenience.

So now that these two failed saviors are finally confronting each other with no lies to hide behind, and nothing to get between them, what’s going to happen?  I get the feeling that chapter 80 is going to give us some long awaited catharsis, for better or worse.  (Please Ichikawa, make things a little better for once.)

On a related note, I’m hoping this possible catharsis might clarify something else for me.  For all that the series is steeped in Buddhist symbolism and philosophy, I’ve never been able to tell what Ichikawa actually thinks of Buddhism.  On one hand, the assumptions that life boils down to suffering and that the self is ephemeral and illusory are certainly present, but on the other hand, the characters who lean most heavily on the Buddhist aesthetic are villains, the characters most invested in reaching nirvana are portrayed as…let’s say misguided at best, and as I’ve already noted above, our two would-be Buddhas are chronically ineffectual.  If I had to take a stab at it, I’d guess that the aspect of the philosophy that she takes issue with is the idea of relying on a savior figure and the idea that there exists a nirvana that could save anyone from samsara.  But if the Lunarians’ wish were a complete pipe dream, then Shiro et al wouldn’t have already disappeared?  Unless that was a misdirection and their souls were actually reincarnated?  Idk, I don’t have enough brain cells to parse The Most Viable Interpretation at this juncture in the story.

Lastly, assuming Phos doesn’t ascend to nirvana via pure rage next chapter, I think their next replacement is going to be imminent.  All of Phos’s other changes have been accompanied by death and birth imagery: they lost their legs out at sea, which is where inclusions are said to emerge, they lost their arms and their head at the site of their birth, the time they spent comatose evoked the image of a shrouded corpse in a morgue, their first trip to the moon in which they got their new eye apparently lasted the length of a Buddhist funeral, and now, they’ve literally been buried.  (On a side note, it’s interesting that there’s a lot more death imagery for their later transformations, while their earlier changes alluded to birth.)  I’m not the first person to point this out, but it seems likely to me that Rutile made good on their threat to throw Phos into the ocean, and discarded whatever pieces they were assigned to bury.  And indeed, there seems to be a gaping hole in Phos’s torso.  I still think Padparadscha is the most likely candidate for a replacement—the red stone from the lotus sutra has been alternately described as ruby, carnelian, amber, or coral, and Padparadscha is the closest we have to any of those—but who knows.  Ichikawa might even decide to stop short of all seven treasures in service of some greater thematic purpose.

And with that, this belated essay is finally done.  Except it isn’t.  This is a complete tangent, but I recently looked up the one and only region where gem-quality phosphophyllite was briefly mined, a mountain in the Bolivian Andes called Cerro Rico.  Hundreds of thousands have died there since the 16th century while mining silver, and that figure may be lowballing it, as some scholars think the death toll is actually in the millions.  It is colloquially known as “the Mountain that Eats Men,” and the miners pay tribute to this fellow in hopes of avoiding cave-ins and pockets of toxic gas, but are otherwise doomed to die young from silicosis.  According to a forum post I found belonging to a mineral collector, the mineshaft where all the phosphophyllite came from had to be walled off with a concrete bulkhead because the poisonous gases that accumulated in the tunnel had killed a number of miners.  The idea of gem mining already conjures up images of exploited workers in abject conditions, but I must say that Maneater Mountain exceeded my expectations.

Okay, now I’m actually done.  I’m going to get some sleep on account of the fact that it’s 2 AM, but afterwards I shall read the new chapter and repeat this whole grueling cycle over again, but like, in a timely manner.

[thefinalexperiment]

The Final Experiment Chapter 26: The Winter Soldier’s Child

Peter Parker x OC

A/N: Hello! It's me! After almost a year, here's a new bit to this series lol. Enjoy! (Also if you are fluent in Russian, I apologize for anything incorrect, Google Translate is my only resource)

I will no longer be linking things on new part posts due to dumblr and the link censoring, and just to be safe from any potential image post censoring, I will also not be including covers on my stories. All previous parts can be found in my masterlist, in my bio!

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        On the jet, I sat as far away from Bucky as possible. I was still mad at him, even though the logical side of me knew I just needed time. He kept looking at me, and it was starting to get irritating, but I tried not to lash out. I couldn't wait for the jet to land. We hadn't yet been debriefed so I'd have to wait for that too, but I was itching to get out into the field. Peter gave me an adorable grin and I smiled back, trying to shake the impending sense of doom. It’s not like I had a sixth sense or anything, but sometimes, I would figure things out subconsciously, and it would take my brain a while to catch up with a realization or to put it into words. Other times it was just a normal dose of anxiety, like any other agent might get when going on a mission so soon in a distracted mindset like this. I probably shouldn’t be going for that matter, but oh well.

        Peter caught my eye again, and smiled encouragingly. I nodded in return. He was easy to read right now. His body language was clear: slightly nervous, wanting to impress me, wanting to impress Nat and Bucky, and wanting to impress Tony. He obviously hadn’t done many missions with the team yet, and he wanted to make sure he did well in their eyes. With me, I could sense that it was less about showing off, and more about him making sure I understood what he was capable of. After all, I had never seen the full extent of his powers.

        The jet shakily began to lower. It must have been an issue with the cold, Northern Russian wind. From what I could see out the window, the sky was dark with large clouds. It seemed we might have an issue with weather… The jet touched down, and everyone gathered close for the debrief. There hadn’t been time for one before we left, so Steve and Tony were going to quickly give us the rundown before we went to investigate.

        “So what is the deal with this place?” I finally asked, breaking the odd, silent tension that had lingered since we left. It was like everyone was worried about Bucky and I being in the same, small space for so long.

        Nat reached over and pulled up the files on the holo-table for everyone to see.

        “This was a base for a Russian chapter of HYDRA,” Steve explained. “We aren’t sure if it’s still active, or when it was abandoned if not, but Tony’s sensors picked up some concerning data.”

        He nodded to Tony, who pulled up more data and some schematics and took over in explaining.

        “These guys have got some naughty stuff in the basement. Whether they wanted it to or not, something they’ve got going on down there is waking up. We’re here to find out what it is.”

        “Okay,” I said, mulling it over, “But why send us? SHIELD’s teams could’ve done a simple sweep. What’s different here?”

        “Slow down, smarty pants,” Tony chided good naturedly. “I’m getting to that… The sensors indicate the potential for an Avengers-level threat. These anomalies appear to be experiments of some kind, could be people, other life forms… or just some reawakening science projects. Whatever it is, it’s awake, alive, and raring to go.”

        “Has everybody without screen access gotten a good look at the schematics?” Steve asked.

        Those of us nodded.

        “Alright then. Nat, you and Kaitlynn head for the security headquarters, try to hack their system and give us eyes on their compound surveillance. Wanda, I want you, Pietro, and Peter with Tony, Thor, and I down on the detention level. If any of these experiments happen to get out of control, we’ll need your abilities to keep them in check. Bruce, hang back with Clint, Sam, and Bucky while they sweep for strays. Once the anomalies are under control, I want Tony and you for scientific assessment. If worst comes to worst, keep the Hulk on standby. Everybody clear?”

        At our affirmations, Steve nodded, then he and Tony led the way out.

        The base looked pretty typical, from my experience with HYDRA facilities: a large, gray, metal-and-cement compound, built into the surrounding landscape to disguise it. The doors were mechanical slabs of stone. Some quick work from Tony set gears in motion, and the doors slowly ground open.

        Natasha and I slipped inside, like a pair of shadows, splitting off from the main muscle group. In this moment, it was easy to see that we shared DNA. Some behaviors are learned, some are ingrained in your very nature. The way the both of us moved in our stealth modes was eerily similar.

        I led the way to the surveillance room, Nat covering my six. We both were silent, like invisible spectres, but the rest of the compound remained noiseless too. It was almost unsettling. I got the feeling this place was abandoned, and had been for some time now. So what had triggered Tony’s sensors?

        The door to the room was already open when we arrived, just a crack. With a small motion of my head, I pointed this out to Natasha. She nodded and took up a place on one side of the door. I took the other.

        Silently, she counted off.

        One… Two… Three.

        I kicked the door open, keeping my pistol up. Natasha was close behind. The two of us swept the room, relaxing when nothing turned up. Nat closed the door, holstering her gun. I followed suit.

        “We’re into the surveillance room,” she said. “Starting to scan for intel now.”

        I booted up the computers. They were old, but that didn’t make them any easier to crack. Nat and I sat side by side on the old, creaky chairs, going through lines of code until the old, black-and-white camera footage appeared on the monitors. We now had eyes on the team. Natasha let them all know, and upon their confirmation, I began to dig through the encrypted files stored away in the computer’s archives. Nat tossed a flashdrive to me, which I plugged in and began to transfer the files onto.

        “There’s a lot of video archives,” I muttered to her. “And more than a few of them are marked Zimniy Soldat i Rebenok.”

        Winter Soldier… and child.

        That bad feeling I’d had earlier was beginning to make sense now. I was dreading this mission because I’d been here before.

        Natasha and I looked at each other for a moment, then she sighed.

        “Well, I’ve never been here before… and Bucky didn’t mention it, so he must not remember.”

        “Or he does and he’s just hiding it again,” I muttered.

        Nat gave me a sharp, almost motherly look, and I relented.

        “Okay, okay… comm him and let him know what we found.”

        “Or you could,” she said.

        I clenched my jaw, really not in the mood for this, but I turned my earpiece on. Instead of only addressing Bucky, however, I spoke to the whole team.

        “Guys, we’ve got archive footage of the Winter Soldier…”

        Natasha watched me with an expectant look, but I said nothing else, so she rolled her eyes and spoke, “Winter Soldier and child,” she clarified.

        The others were silent for a moment, before Tony finally spoke up.

        “Alright, download everything, and we’ll debrief it together back at the base. How’s the detention level looking from up there? We’re nearing the location.”

        “We’ve got three cameras dark,” Nat said, typing commands into the computer.

        “But,” I interjected, flowing right along with her train of thought, “The ones that are operative are showing a few science kit type looking things… I’m not seeing any signs of life. Tony, you might want to go first, let FRIDAY scan for signs of radiation and whatnot.”

        “You got it, kid,” he said. “Steve, Thor, you hang back with the rest of the kiddos.”

        The sound of silence settled over the comms, the whole team waiting.

        At long last, Tony’s voice sounded out once more.

        “We’re clean on harmful radiation. Negative on major life signs.”

        “Does that mean minor life signs aren’t off the table?” I heard Pietro sass.

        “Yes, Speedy, that’s what it means,” Tony replied, in that infuriating yet endearing sarcastic tone of his. “Sam, bring Banner down here. Clint, contact SHIELD to have a cleanup crew sent here.”

        “Copy that,” Clint said.

        I sighed and sat back in the chair, glancing at Nat.

        “Well, so much for an Avengers-level threat,” I joked.

        “But not for nothing,” she replied, motioning to the flash drive.

        I looked down at the little stick, turning it over in my hands.

        “There’s probably a good reason he doesn’t want you remembering this, you know,” she said softly. “You know I won’t try to stop you. I actually think you have a right to know what happened… But you need to be prepared for what you might see.”

        Considering her words, I slowly nodded.

        “Okay.”

        I felt like I should say more, but for once, I had no words. Luckily, I didn’t need to fill the silence, because Natasha stood and powered down the computers, no doubt leaving them for the SHIELD team to comb through.

        “Come on, kid,” she said. “Let’s meet up with the others.”

---

A/N: So... dun dun dun! What do you think is on the flashdrive? Be sure to let me know in the comments!

Series Tags: @shamvictoria11 @mla02 @fanficcrapforme @goodbyefornow123 @thebookisbtr @what-inspirational-name

Everything Tags: @coconutknees @hollymac79

[yawninginf]

(Ch.1:) Instinct

Okay..This is my first fic ever written and it hasn't been edited properly so it may have grammar/vocabulary mistakes or even wrong game/world facts. If you spot any mistakes please correct me.

World belongs to the extremely talented artist @jojo56830 /@linkeduniverse. Additionally, I want to thank @jinmukangwrites for inspiring me to actually start writing, with their great stories.

Forgive me for not having experience and writing trash

Summary: Are you always aware of your actions?

The night had been rough. Slow raindrops that seemed they would never stop falling from the dark, cloudy sky, would wet the panicked faces of the sleeping heroes and blend with cold sweat. They were having nightmares. It was something they had grown used to, except that they would feel helpless every time. Helpless, with the most haunting memories of their journeys reawakening, the most painfull wounds reopening.

The last watch had been kept by Time, who had felt more than relieved when Warriors woke him up. He had stood guard over the rest of the heroes until dusk, however, it wasn't necessary. Everyone had lost sleep by then; even Sky was wide awake.

Wild gave them some jerky he had saved in his bag, for breakfast. Few ate, even fewer finished their short meal. The lack of appetite was a cause for various leftovers. They eventually ended up in the stomach of a bear who invaded the camp. The pyromaniac aimed at it with an arrow ready, yet Twilight didn't let him release the bowstring.

◇•◇•◇•◇•◇

-"What were you thinking Twilight?! It's a wild animal it could have harmed us!"

-"Still, it didn't! If you hurt it, it would try to defend itself by attacking us. We both know a single arrow would not take it down!"

-"--Now we have no food resources!"

-"Is food all you really care about?"

-"Well if you end up starving don't run to me saying I was right."

The hero of Twilight rolled his eyes and continued the arguement "That's not the--"

"Guys, please stop it! The bear is gone now, okay?" mixed emotions were showing on Sky's face, hesitation, anger, sadness, tiredness"We all had a hard time last night and there's absolutely no point in fighting over such non-essential things!" His voice was a stage away from cracking.

"Fine." they said with one voice and rolled away their eyes, arms crossed. The spark of anger feeding the fight inside them couldn't stay lit. Exaustion was all they could feel, every other feeling slowly fading away. They ought to put an end on the, slightly aggressive, disagreement before it evolved in sword fight. They had been acting instictively since last night, they weren't thinking clear. Anyhow, they let it roll. For now.

◇•◇•◇•◇•◇

Wind was slightly afraid. Twilight and Wild hadn't been at eachother's throats for a really long time. He couldn't even remember the last time they had fought over something other than Wild recklessly taking irresponsible risks. He expressed his thoughts to Hyrule, who agreed with him but found it wise to keep this contemplation to themselves.

Legend considered all this being too much. The nightmares, the lost food, the argument between two of the people he was least expecting to see crossing words...He would bet his sword and shield that things were just about to get worse, had he wanted to jinx it.

Sky was...elsewhere. Dreaming of an entirely different world, one he had lost but wholeheartedly desired to return to. He just wanted to go home and pretend none of this ever happened. Go home and ride his loftwing beside Zelda, have a small talk, hear her crystal laugh and watch her eyes joyfully looking around. He missed her. Her gentle smile, her golden hair, her sweet voice and kind personallity. Sky stopped thinking about Zelda and his far away from reality home. His eyes were cloudy and his vision blury from the memories coming back to his mind and he could barely force back several, bitter tears.

Twilight was sitting on a rock, not very close to his protègè, looking carried away while watching an ant carry a tiny leaf. Time gave him a pup are you ok, cause you don't look ok look that went unnoticed. The thought of talking to him was unreasonably rejected by his brain. He needed some time alone to try and put all of the memories his nightmare had awoken back where they belonged; the past. He supposed pup needed some time too. It wasn't in him to react like that. No, his protègè was always reasonable and the type of person that thinks before je acts. Time sent a worried look directed at him, then walked away.

◇•◇•◇•◇•◇

The heroes packed their stuff and set forth again, eyes red and legs shore from exaustion. Nobody spoke while they were travelling, which was extremely odd for Warriors and Wind; the most talkative of the group. Considering the circumstances, Four realised it wasn't at all weird. He attempted to break the silence; "So..uh..where are we headed for? I don't remember having an update this morning.."

Wild looked away in unexpected annoyance, his hair following the direction of his head. Sky rubbed the back of his head. Warriors restyled his scarf with akward and rather goofy movements. Hyrule and Wind directed a soft, curious glare first at Four, then at Time. He got the message and answered after adding a small pause, without being more expressive than stone.

"Wherever the road takes us"

The truth was that he himself wasn't sure if he knew the answer and, if he had actually learnt something about Wild, the hero whose Hyrule they were in did not know either.

The shortest hero did not bother trying again. The veil of absolute hush fell once again on the adventurers. He couldn't bear watching his companions be so troubled and...lost, but he also couldn't force them to act as if they were fine. He himself was being tormented by his own demons and after the events that had previously occured, he could wholeheartedly relate to them.

◇•◇•◇•◇•◇

They had been walking for quite a while now. Wind stopped to rub his feet and sent a complaining look at Time. Sky felt his eyelids heavily falling onto his eyes. Legend saw him struggling to continue and offered him his asc of water.

Wild's eyes fell on his Shiekah slate. They were at the Great Plateu. It was the same as the rest of the hundred times he had been there. It should be. Notwithstanding there was a, rather strange sign, coming from the Shiekah technology. It was the first time he had taken sight of that. Following it leaded northeast and Wild did not hesitate to change his direction. No hero realised the adjustment of his plans, for some of them were closed up in their own thoughts and Wild had improved his ability to hide his change of emotions.

Suddenly, he stopped to get something from his pouch. It was a paraglider. Dark red, with nice paterns on it, it seemed royal. At least it would if it didn't have all those patches every there and there. Wind sweared he had seen it before, though he couldn't recall the time. His friend took it and started gliding down the Plateu.

"Wild! Where are you going?!" Warriors shouted at him when he realised they couldn't follow wherever he was going--gliding to. The questioned hero gave a serious look at the hero of Warriors and rudely turned his head away without bothering to give an answer.

Time asked him to explain himself while Legend and Twilight were giving each other looks that gave out how tired and sick of this they were. Wind grimaced, making a face that Four was sure no human being could possibly make. Sky's thoughts were travelling at the fact that they hadn't encountered any monsters yet. He found that intimidiating and his deep frown was passing similar feelings to Legend as well as Hyrule. The last was silent as always: he prefered to watch everything around him without taking part.

The group of heroes could now spot Wild landing near the ruins of what used to be a military outpost many years ago. The paraglider became a small dot and they completely lost sight of it when its owner put it away to continue travelling on foot. Despite their fear of supposably being left behind they felt the need to observe the place. It was...stunning. If that was meant in a good or bad way, they couldn't decide. The whole view was..nice, though the feeling of abandonment and loneliness framing their location made them feel a weight on their chest. There was only one question spinning in their minds with every other query developing from it.

Where was Wild going?

◇•◇•◇•◇•◇

Outpost ruins. That's what the place is referred to in his map. Ruins. Just like the majority of his hyrule's once glorious (or not) monuments and buildings, they're just ruins. Reflections of a painfull past. A past without a hero to save it. Wild used to put the blame on himself. He still does in fact. Ruins, a reminder of his inability to protect this land, his land, one hundred years ago. His failure.

Anyway it didn't matter at that moment. Wild just wanted to find that "treasure" marked on his shiekah slate and head back to the others before they got mad at him, well, before they got completely mad at him.

There was just a journal. Misko's journal. He wasn't aware of that name. He quickly flicked through the pages and spotted an instructional guide, map to an ancient relic. He moved his hand to put it in his pouch but stopped half way. He inspected the journal from all corners and a thought flashed in his mind. No second thoughts. No hesitation. Something told him he had to go get it. It was his duty. He didn't know why. He took the map in his hands and slowly vanished in blue lights.

◇•◇•◇•◇•◇

"We can't wait any longer" Legend was losing his temper, tapping his foot to the ground "what if monsters find us? We have been here for almost half an hour now and Wild is yet to be seen."

"Is he not coming back?" Wind's secret fear was no longer secret. Twilight tried to comfort the youngest hero, in an attempt to convince him that Wild was about to return any moment now. To convince himself that cub would return, he ought to. Twilight believed he was mad at his protègè. Yes, he was mad, and the pyromaniac would have to face a really-angry-mom-Twi when he decided to show his face again.

He spontaneously directed his look at Time. His mentor's eyes were meating the morning sky. The others didnot seem to notice this habit the oldest hero had, but Twilight did. His mentor seemed as he was silently praying for mercy, with an expression that showed he never believed his prayers would be heard. A sadness faintly carved in his face even when he was smiling. He wouldn't let it show. Still Twilight could not let that go. He couldn't accept his mentor's "need" to stay alone, to remain silent. Not if he could help. He would try, although something inside him screamed he couldn't. He hated that, but deep inside he thought he knew that he wasn't the one to bring the light in Time's eyes again. And it ate him inside.

Legend felt abandoned, though he tried to convince himself that Wild is real and that he won't leave them like that. He felt as Wild had tricked them all by pretending he was one of them. He always feared something alike would happen. That he would be fooled in attaching to someone and then not being able to let go when they left him. He was sick of that and ,though he had promised himself not to let his feelings overcome him again, he couldn't do it. He was angry at Wild, angry at himself and an emotional reck. He had always been like that and he used his snarky behaviour to cover his weeknesses. Yet, he had failed, once more.

They were all gesturing with slow movements, not knowing how to react. Their confused looks would match at eachother's, troubling their thoughts a bit more than necessary. Wind felt restless, putting his weight on one foot and then on the other. Warriors put a tuff of hair back where it should have been on the first place and Twilight was frowning although he didnot seem to notice. Sky bit his lower lip and Hyrule's palms were starting to become sweaty. His hands reached his tunic in an attempt to dry. Four frowned and glared at Time. Legend tried to say something but Four interrupted him by shushing him and pointed at Time; "Look. The old man's senses have caught something" he whispered with a slight tense perceived in his low toned voice.

Indeed, Time had heard a weird sound and was trying to understand which direction it came from. With a nod, he let the rest of them know they needed to keep their mouths shut and quietly prepare themselves for battle. Twilight nodded his head, as if he was unknowingly accepting the place of the leader. Warriors would have made a snarky comment on that, Legend would have smirked and Twilight would have hated them for it, but it was no joking time. The sound could belong to a wild animal, if they had been lucky enough. However, by the looks of it, it was probably because of monsters approaching.

Another weird, unexplained sound. They couldn't describe it. They couldn't see where it came from despite the fact that the place was at most open. Hyrule's face became white out of a sudden, fear hugging his whole body, a shiver running down his spine. "Wild has told us about these...things. They shouldn't be here-it-it isn't natural for them." Still, was anything natural since they were all there, together?

Curse you Wild.

A lazer ready to fire.

[red-monkey-and-bolts]

A letter to....

This is a word out of love, and sometimes that word hurts and may not sit with what we want to hear but it’s something that it needs to be said.

I know I have given many times how much I love you guys but today something has happened in me that hasn’t happened in MANY months and it may sound stupid and a joke but I need to say it because He spoke to me and put in my heart to say this.

I realized why my life has been going all over and I know that’s normals and I’ve gotten used to the norm. Expectations of what people want me to say to “please” everyone but for once I’m opening my heart and that’s something I’ve been in thirst to let out especially if it means loosing everyone who respected me or saw me as their friend.

You all mean so much but I have to put my loyalty to God because in all of this and my story (which I haven’t told EVERY SINGLE detail and I know that even if I told it many will still think I’m acting selfish or careless for others but it’s quite the opposite). But I wouldn’t even have been here if it weren’t for Him and the people He put in my life, literally ^^;.

We as humans are selfish, ignorant, and other things. That’s something that can’t be denied even those who do “good” things still have their struggles and their flaws. It’s part of the human being, we can try our hardest but we all have a limit and that’s normal but we can try to improve to be better everyday.

I can’t really explain EVERY details my days have been or say everything about my flaws and things I did to do what’s considered “correct” by human society.

But God knows what are my falls, what I need to do, and I got called today and I have evidence too. Well more like some interesting wordings that I noticed are connected to each other.

Today a pastor came to our church all the way from Chile and he today gave us a word but mainly used his life story and connecting it to the word of God and what He asks of us. He was a very flawed man, he was in all kinds of things as well as obsessions and wasn’t one you could’ve seen and look as a “man of God” but seeing him alive and completely grateful and telling us all those miracles that God has shown him by telling us his testimony (even him telling having a home and being ALIVE is a blessing and a miracle).

What I found interesting is that these past months I noticed something missing if I may say, like I had a compass but said compass was hard to navigate or maybe I was the one who wasn’t able to understand it.

But even with him speaking about his lesson and him and his wife leaving with this last message it felt like God really spoke to him and used him as what He told us we were meant to be used.

And it’s been a LONG time since I felt that and been actually used before or even talked to others about God without feeling people getting triggered by me mentioning anything about it but I guess I needed to let go and for once in a long time, do what He has asked for me and that’s speak His love to others even if it means loosing people or just ignoring me because of what I say or people don’t want to.

After the lesson we prayed but for once I prayed to God not only thanking Him for this lesson but to learn to appreciate everything good and bad, Life is hard and will always have its obstacles and I know God puts things in our lives to look for Him but to also let us grow as one and even if things don’t go as how we want He has so much to gives us but He knows when it’s the time, we live in an era where whatever we want it’s in our instant time and whenever we loose patience we just loose it. And sometimes we need to learn back into our roots, we need to take a step back and search back from said roots or remember things happen to those who wait.

Just like how a father has something for their kid but only the father can see when their kid is ready once they take the steps or when it’s really needed and know their kid can take it genuinely.

Not everyone is pleased with what we have and sometimes things may be the hardest things to do especially when everything feels like it’s over, only God can say it is and even if you’re down you’re still strong. Not alone but I noticed that after years of learning that, most of my life I relied on MY own strength, emotional state, but only then I pushed myself too much I broke and I ended up destroying more of myself than I intended and had to start back to square one on understanding how to cope and deal with new emotions I keep exploring as I keep learning about my adulthood and life itself. I know this is not the end even when I have felt ready to break I keep noticing that after I prayed to God I felt this warm fulfilled feeling one that I never knew I had and for in a long time want to have that closeness again, and the first step is to go back to my roots.

Back in the roots of why I even accepted God as my savior but also learn what it means to be a Christian. I don’t have all the answers heck I know very little XD even after years of experience it’s never enough for me to talk to someone and not have an answer to everything or even if I do they end up not being something that they didn’t wanted to hear or only end up getting more angry at me.

But I have learned that even with people treating you low or think of you as a selfish person, they don’t see what you see and at times it’s not something you can change other than to give them love and tell them that a true friend will have to tell you things even if they are things you don’t want and that’s the person I had learned to be; straightforward and using common sense in a lot of things. Simple yet not something that’s easy to swallow because things like these can break said friendships or so the ones we believed are the ones we see as TRUE friends.

As I went through the lesson I felt something revived in me and for once heard that smooth warm voice speak to me one that I thought I have lost in the mist of my mind, I missed it and was welcoming. And for once in what felt like a lifetime has reawakened me from my dark slumber of my own self. And at times I got tired of feeling being or acting as someone I’m not because it only fitted everyone’s expectations and people will come at me and I know that no matter what sugarcoats I can do it’ll only come to bite me.

Well it’s better to say things now especially when I was told to, but yes we’re selfish; only care of what WE want, we’re evil; only Care what fits OUR definitions of justice, we’re the judge of everyone’s court; we stay high in the said judge stool and only see OUR sides of the story and think that’s enough to justify OUR punishments to hurt everyone else, we’re ignorant; only care OUR tunnel blinded perspectives, and we’re all imperfect; we’re filled with so much hate and flesh that we only desire OUR own bodies and desires.

I’m just a messenger and I came to say it’s times to wake up, get off our comfort zone and start back in the roots, and if you fall don’t be afraid because you’re still alive and here. Even if things don’t go the way you want learn to appreciate what you have now, learn to share that love with others, life is not perfect for everyone and we have our own struggles but we’re not alone if we just take off those blind folds. Don’t be afraid to seek God, He’s asking you to look for Him, He’s calling out to you, to wake up and call out to Him, whenever you gain something, REJOICE, whenever you loose something seek for him and still thank for the bad things because you never know but He DOES listen, and I’m one of his examples and one of the reasons why He’s still out there spreading that love. He has awoken me and I’m calling out to you.

After that lesson I got a notification from my phone and got this bible verse, the exact same topic that the pastor spoke to us:

He’s here and He is calling you to wake up, Hold on to Him and let Him show you what He has for you, it’s not going to be easy but He’ll show you, like He has shown me, a completeness that nothing can never fulfill than Him.

God bless you wherever you go And whatever He has in store for you

[pelikinesis]

thoughts on Gintama and Gintoki

just kinda thinking about the general thing about Gintama’s basic plot premise for Gintoki specifically--that he gave up everything he had fighting a world-threatening conflict and his side lost, and nowadays is generally known as an unmotivated slacker, and how smaller-scale injustices he encounters on an annoyingly regular basis drag him out of his apathy and alienation (pun intended) for brief periods, and how over the seasons there’s more of a cumulative effect

but through it all he constantly claims he’s just acting against this current identity of his, mostly because he feels like it. because even though he literally can’t help it to help the downtrodden around him, he still can’t believe in a grander cause like he used to, because whatever part of the brain or soul that makes that kind of more traditional virtuousness and devotion and duty broke a long time ago.

yet in those haphazard, fleeting moments of genuine heroism he can still kind of taste his former life and the aftermath of a war that his former comrades in arms are all responding to in their own ways, and the neat contrasts that come from that. 

Katsura is the diehard who fights for a lost cause that the rest of them have given up on, and is seen as both silly and noble for it. Then there’s Takasugi (burn scar guy) who last I watched was just completely nihilistic and causing chaos for its own sake, so he still is seen as powerful but devoid of any goodness, and Sakamoto (afro sunglasses pilot guy) who actually abandoned the war prematurely (seemingly on good terms with everyone else) to pursue his own dreams, and so while he’s in comparison lacking in commitment he has the most to show for it afterwards being the most successful out of all of them and he contributes to good causes.

Gintoki is the slacker, the loser of the bunch. Even more than the others, his personality during and after the war are the most different. He couldn’t cling to his ideals like Katsura even if he tried. He’s too good a man to give into nihilistic destruction like Takasugi. He lacks an alternative, peace time-appropriate ambition like Sakamoto. Gintoki reverts from a fearsome warrior into an unimpressive everyman with no discernable positive future, much like Hasegawa (who is an incredible character in his own right and also mirrors Gintoki in a lot of ways).

And with most anime with Gintama’s general plot elements, it would be one or two encounters and then Gintoki’s warrior soul is fully and more or less permanently reawakened and he goes on to right all the wrongs and destroy the ultimate evil. In Gintama though, there’s an anticlimax (and probably no ultimate evil), where Gintoki more or less pulls off a Big Damn Heroes moment and saves the day, and all his friends remember he’s not completely apathetic, and that he’s actually totally a badass. 

But after it’s done, he just goes back to being a total sclub. The adventures he gets sucked into and the characters he meet continue to accumulate and the stakes of things escalate but it’s a very gradual process, and it’s only now with this more recent watch-through (and several months of not watching it but now my brain is bringing it up) that i actually see why.

Gintoki continues to refuse the call of adventure because he’s still healing spiritually from the war. He continues to make exceptions and does more-or-less heroic deeds for those around him and those that come into his personal sphere, because that’s still possible for him. But to get involved in anything more ambitious would be...proactive. And the last time he was proactive, his side lost, and the entire planet suffered. 

So Gintoki becomes an oxymoron, a walking contradiction, and when I first watched Gintama I saw him as being willfully ignorant, as being selfish in a short-sighted way. But that’s why Gintoki is so self-conscious about coming off acting like an ally of justice. he doesn’t want anyone to count on him in that way, not again, because the last time it didn’t work out so well.

Maybe Gintoki is effectively short-sighted, and selfish, and all that, but his motivation for being that way is considerably more complex than some tautological moral deficiency. that aversion and reluctance from his past traumatic experiences are so powerful they fundamentally alter not only his behavior and sense of physical and psychological self-preservation, but even impact the way he’s able to consciously understand his own motivation.

And he doesn’t seem actively concerned about this. He just takes things in stride. Probably the biggest reason everyone sees him as an uncaring loser is that he’s more than happy to be living a simpler life for the time being, a cleaner backdrop for him to learn how to find meaning in life, and finding it in his friends and in his community, instead of under a military banner (though this gets played with in the episodes where he has to protect an idol since her fanboys have banners).

not really sure why i’m thinking about this now, of all times (probably because weed), but it’s the case that the first time I watched Gintama, I hadn’t ever really experienced a major failure, or a major loss, so that wasn’t an aspect of the story I was equipped to truly understand.

‘slow burn’ is a term I’ve seen applied to romance genre fanfic, but this might be the first time i realized it could apply to a different genre. I think (and again I’ve only watched like the first 50 episodes) that Gintama is a slow burn redemption story, which is closer to real life than what we usually see, the montage version. I got the impression that Greg from Steven Universe was also getting a slow burn redemption arc as a supporting character, though it’s less redemption and more recovery, perhaps. 

there’s more prominent examples of the opposite, slow burn corruption stories as is the case with Breaking Bad, and NBC’s Hannibal. And Justified was more or less a double turn between the main protagonist and antagonist. Or maybe just more accurate to say that the antihero and the antivillain both kind of met up in the middle. and then there’s Naoki Urasawa’s Monster, which is where Dr. Tenma is working towards what he thinks of as redemption by trying to kill Johann, seemingly determined to do it the entire way until the end, but by not killing Johann, that’s what truly completed his redemption narrative.

might have to give at least some of these another watch-through, and most likely going to pick up Gintama again.

[lilacmoon83]

Swan

Also on Fanfiction.net and A03

Chapter 4: Family

Over the next few months, the Swan family settled into their new lives in the mid-sized Midwestern town that allowed anonymity without being lost in the bustle of an even bigger city life like Boston or New York. Snow was teaching third grade, under the name Mary Margaret Swan, having officially changed it from Blanchard upon legally marrying David in this land. It allowed her to use her teaching credentials, without keeping the name Blanchard. And though legally she was Mary Margaret, she had taken to going by just Margaret. She was worried they would call Storybrooke for references, but since outside calls didn't actually go through to the little town that wasn't supposed to exist, they hired her based upon a written recommendation that August had helped her work up.

Normally, she did not like having to do things dishonestly, but she recognized the need for it in order for their survival. August was very adept at surviving in this land and she accepted that this was the reality of their situation.

David had applied at a lot of local places, but really lucked out one day when he and Emma had been out near a local vet that mainly dealt with equine and farm animals that nearby farmers came to. He and Emma happened to be passing by the place, which was on the outskirts of town, not far from their small apartment. There had been an unruly horse and her husband, being the man he was, stepped in and calmed the animal. The vet was so impressed that he had hired David as an assistant to help handle the animals. The pay was not great, but not terrible either and David enjoyed helping with the animals. It was a lucky break for them, considering he didn't have any documentable education in this land. The hours were also good too and allowed him to go in very early and be off in the afternoon in time to pick Emma up from school, which was great since Margaret taught at a school on the other side of town.

David had never really imagined a life like this. When they had first been told of the curse, he actually had not given much thought to the land the curse would be taking them or what it might be like. He soon found that he loved the simple life they had, in which they were able to focus on their family and their marriage. So much of royal life had been daunting at times and the dark cloud of the impending curse had always been hanging over them. This may have not exactly been the life they imagined, but they found they were both enjoying a life free of the duties and responsibilities of royals. Here in this land, they could just be themselves and focus on their love and family. A family that included their precious daughter and an adopted son in August. It was something they were all still adjusting to, but they had both come to love August as their own and it was their hope that he felt the same. And on that day, as he arrived at school to pick him up before they went to get Emma, David would get some insight into just how August felt, as he unknowingly overheard a conversation his adopted son was having with some of his peers.

"Come on man...this is a good offer," a tall boy said, obviously pressuring August about something.

"I told you...I can't. I'm not doing that stuff anymore. I have a family now," August protested.

"You're seriously turning down a huge payday for some so-called family?" another guy asked.

"I love them...they've taken me in when no one else would," August argued.

"Oh please, Booth...you're almost ready to age out. They'll dump you the minute you get too old," the first youth told him.

"Yeah...and they'll never love you as much as they love their biological kid," the second one added. He heard silence from August at that and his heart sank a bit.

"Come on, you know we're right. Didn't your own Dad abandon you? Why would these people be any different?" the first teen urged.

"Because he is my son and you're wrong," David interjected, as he made his presence known. August looked at him in surprise, as the prince whom he had looked up to in awe as a boy stepped in to support him.

"The only place August is going is home, with his family, where he belongs," David said, as they turned to walk away.

"Oh and his name isn't August Booth anymore. It's August Swan," he added, as they walked away and back old truck they had managed to purchase not too long ago. Snow and August had taught him how to drive, so he could get around when Snow was at work.

"Did you mean all that?" August asked, as David put his arm around him.

"Have you ever known me to say something that I don't mean?" David answered with his own question.

"I guess not...but they were right. I'm not even your kid," August replied.

"But we love you like you are and I know that after everything you've been through, that seems hard to believe," David told him, as they got into the truck.

"I know you have issues with abandonment...Emma does too, but we're not going to do that to you," he continued.

"Look at how much you've helped me navigate this world," he reminded. August smiled.

"I was happy to...this world is overwhelming at first," he said.

"Yeah...and you faced it as a kid, by yourself. But you don't have to face it by yourself anymore. You've taught me so much...I was beginning to wonder if there was anything I could even teach you," he replied.

"Are you kidding? You've taught me so much…" August revealed.

"You've taught me about family and the kind of man I want to try to be. I mean, you're this amazing husband and father...I just don't know if I can be that. I guess that's why those guys tempted me. I guess running away when I'm scared is what I've always done," he added. David smiled.

"There was a time that I used to think running away or trying not to make waves was the way to live. But someone taught me that was no way to live. And only when I started standing up for myself and others did I truly realize the kind of man I wanted and needed to be," he told the young man. August smiled.

"And you really were wondering if there was nothing you could teach me?" he teased. David smiled and ruffled his hair, as he started driving toward Emma's school.

~*~

Emma stuffed things into her backpack from her locker and glanced at the recent picture she had pinned inside the door of the four of them. How her life had changed in such a short time. She had parents now. And not just any parents...her real parents. All her life, she had wondered what they might be like and looked like. She wondered who she looked more like and finally knew the answers to those questions. But most importantly, she was happy for the first time in her life. She knew now that they never wanted to give her up and were actually forced to do so. She knew now that they were wonderful people and loved her more than she thought possible. She knew now that she looked like both of them in almost a perfect symmetrical mix of the two of them. Her mother was an actual princess and her father had humble beginnings on a farm before he became a prince. It was surreal, but really exciting that she had come from such heroic and amazing people. Emma had always known she was different, but now she knew why. She wasn't from this world and that was still a lot to take in at times, but she had a family now and that was everything.

Her parents had talked a little bit about the curse, since it was the reason they had all been separated and they had told Emma that someday, they would be going back to Storybrooke, the place where everyone was cursed, to save everyone. But they had told Emma not to worry about that since they wouldn't be going back for a very long time.

She picked her new beanie up and put it on, smiling at the thought of it. Her mother was learning to knit. Apparently, before the curse, Granny had been teaching her to do so. Her parents had told her how Granny was the old woman that had made her blanket for her and was trying to teach her mother to knit. Snow wasn't very good at it yet and her first effort was a bit misshapen and awkwardly stitched, but Emma loved it.

"Nice hat, Swan…" one of the popular girls said derisively. Being made fun of for not wearing the latest fashions and hand me downs used to bother Emma, since it reminded her why she had to. But the reason she had to was different now. She had her real family now and though they didn't have a lot of money, they were together and happy.

"Man, I didn't know even thrift stores sold things that ugly," another girl commented. But she didn't react to them, as she saw her father waiting for her outside with August. They could say whatever they wanted, but she now had everything she wanted. Sure, those girls had families too, but they took their parents for granted and Emma knew that was something she'd never do. Besides, her parents were still in love and Emma had seen enough parents to know that wasn't the case for everyone. They were Snow White and Prince Charming and they shared true love. Emma came from that true love and that was why their words no longer bothered her. After losing hope so young, it had been reawakened in her when her parents walked through a magical door and into her life again. They found her and she had an amazing future ahead of her now. So walking past them without a word or reaction was easy now, which of course infuriated them.

"Hey Princess…" David greeted, as he hugged her against his side and they walked to the truck.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Well, it was school so it was pretty boring," she replied, making him chuckle and he noticed a couple of other girls glaring at her.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. Emma shrugged.

"They're just mean girls, but they don't bother me anymore," Emma replied.

"Can we have grilled cheese for dinner?" she asked. He chuckled.

"Sure peanut, but you know your Mom is going to want you to eat some vegetables," he replied. She wrinkled her nose, as they got into the truck.

~*~

About an hour later, Snow entered their small apartment after a long day and smiled, as she spotted her family in the kitchen.

"Hey…" she said, as she greeted her husband with a kiss.

"Hey you…" he purred, as he watched her kiss August and Emma both on the forehead.

"Grilled cheese again?" she mused playfully to her husband, as she took things out of the fridge to make salad. He shrugged.

"She loves it," he said.

"Okay...but she needs to eat a salad with it," Snow replied.

"We did discuss the eating of vegetables," he said.

"Mmm...and you folded under her puppy eyes and sad pout," Snow teased, as she mimicked Emma's look that she often gave her father to get her way.

"Oh, you mean the same look you're giving me now and have used in the past to get what you want?" he retorted and she grinned at him.

"Touche," she replied, as she kissed him again and they smiled at each other.

"And besides, we both knew this was always how I would be with her," he reminded and she rested her head against his shoulder, as they watched August and Emma banter between each other in the living room. Someday, they knew they would return to Storybrooke for their people and they could still hear Rumpelstiltskin's warning about the final battle that would begin in Emma's twenty-eighth year echoing in their minds. That time would come, but for now, they would continue to embrace this chance to raise their daughter that they had been gifted and be the family they were meant to be.

"I love you…" Snow whispered, as he caressed her face.

"And I love you, my darling," he whispered back, as their lips met in a passionate kiss and they continued to watch their children together with a fondness in their eyes.

[marril96]

Breaking Point

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: Everyone has a breaking point. Upon learning of Lucifer's return, Rowena has reached hers. Sam and Dean are helpless, and it's up to reader to calm her down.

Warning: Dean is kinda OOC. When I wrote this, I was mad at him (still am) and took it out on him in this fic.

Editor: @oswinthestrange

Read on AO3.

Unbinding her true power was supposed to give Rowena some peace of mind, but she still couldn't feel safe.

She still woke up screaming and covered in cold sweat from head to toe.

She would still randomly burst into tears and spend an hour, minimum, weeping.

All the doors in the house still had to be kept wide open, and you still had to announce your presence every time you were about to enter a room she was in.

She still wouldn't leave the house, preferring to sip her tea in the living room, curled up on the couch. The only time she went out was when you were going somewhere. She wouldn't say it out loud, but it was as obvious as day that she didn't want to be left alone. She didn't want you to leave her alone.

Again.

You knew Rowena didn't blame you for what happened, but you still felt guilty. You shouldn't have left her alone that horrible day. You shouldn't have gotten so angry and stormed out to cool off.

You hadn't gotten angry at her since.

When the Winchesters called, claiming they had a lead and requiring assistance, Rowena was quick to say yes. You told her it was a bad idea; dealing with the brothers had brought the both of you more trouble than they were worth. But she was adamant on going. She needed to get her mind off things, and what better way for a traumatized witch to distract herself than to help out two hunters in need?

So you went.

You could have easily refused to go. Rowena wouldn't have gone without you. But it was hard to say no to that pleading look on her face. She needed this. Who were you to take it away from her?

Once you arrived to the bunker and Sam and Dean explained what exactly they needed help with, you wished you had stayed home.

"He's here?"

There was absolute panic in Rowena's voice, the kind you'd only seen after she'd wake up from a particularly bad nightmare. Her eyes widened, tears gathering inside of them. Swallowing hard, she pushed them back and took a deep breath. Then another, and another. But no matter how hard she tried to remain calm, her peace was gone.

As it turned out, Lucifer wasn't in another dimension anymore. He was here, in America, roaming free without a care in the world.

And the Winchesters needed Rowena's help to find him.

"Been here a while," Dean said, eyes firmly settled on Rowena. His face was rid of all emotion, his gaze blank, unreadable.

"And you didn't think to let us know?" you said angrily, shooting each of them a glare. They knew what Rowena had been through at his hands, knew how traumatized it left her. At the very least they could have texted.

Sam at least had the decency to look apologetic. "We found a way to kill him."

"Archangel blade," Dean clarified. "A bitch to find, but we got it." He narrowed his eyes at Rowena. "All that's left is finding Lucifer. That's where you come in."

Rowena looked mortified. "Y-you want me to l-look for him?" Her lips were trembling, along with the rest of her body, her voice breaking with each word.

Instinctively, you laid a hand on her shoulder, giving a light, comforting squeeze. I'm here, your gesture said. Don't be afraid. I'm here. Her muscles were tense, but she relaxed a bit under your touch.

"That's the idea," Dean said. "You find him, we gank him, case closed."

Rowena gulped. "No," she all but whispered. "I can't."

The elder Winchester narrowed his eyes at her. "I know Sam gave you the page. Don't tell me you don't have your power back, 'cause that's bull." He leaned forward in his chair, looking her directly in the eyes. His stern expression told he was in no mood for games. "A superwitch like you won't have any trouble finding the big, bad devil."

"I'm not saying I can't find him. I'm saying that I won't!" Rowena snapped.  

You tightened your hold on her, but it was pointless. Her breathing fastened, heart beating rapidly, like a bomb nearing explosion. You glanced at Dean incredulously, teeth clenching, burning with anger. Since when was he so cruel? He and Rowena had had their differences, but he never acted this way. He was so kind to her last year. What in the hell happened to him?

Dean sighed. "Look, I know–"  

"You know nothing!" Rowena exclaimed, throwing her arms up for emphasis.

"Listen, you're our only shot at getting rid of him once and for all," Sam said. His tone, unlike that of his brother, radiated with compassion rather than strictness. "I know you're scared, but you have your power back now. You just have to locate him. We'll deal with the rest."

"How can you even ask that?" you said, incredulous. You expected Sam, at least, to know better.

"We don't exactly have other choices," Dean said. "We're not happy to be working with you guys, either, but business is business."

Re-traumatizing your girlfriend wasn't business.

It was heartless.

"And you couldn't tell us this over the phone?" you asked.

"We could've, but…" Dean said nonchalantly, leaving the sentence hanging.

The implication, however, was clear.

"You knew we'd say no."

It was both a statement and accusation. There was no point in being nice anymore. These people used to be your friends. There was a time when you thought Rowena was the enemy. When you first met her, she was in chains, locked up and forced to translate the Book of the Damned. Sam had brought you in to play babysitter. Instead, you'd grown close to her and, when she'd broken free, followed her into a new life of witchcraft, magic, and adventure. You'd fallen for her shortly after, and with time you taught her it was okay to let herself love you back.

You'd lost her to Lucifer twice.

You weren't going to risk losing her the third time. Not when even the mere mention of his name brought her to tears and reawakened painful memories.

Dean shrugged. "Like I said – business."

"I won't do it," Rowena said. Tears broke free, spilling down her cheeks like a waterfall. "I can't see him again."

"You don't have to–"

"You know how locator spell works! I'd have to lead you to him!" she exclaimed.

"You just have to take us to the general area he's in. We'll take it from there."

"He'll know I'm there. He always knows."

A sob escaped her.

"He probably already knows I'm alive."

Panic set in her eyes again. Gasp after gasp tore from her mouth, breathing turning frantic, as if her lungs wanted to break free from the confinement of her chest.

"He's going to find me."

Her eyes found yours, and you wanted to weep. Rowena wasn't supposed to look so completely, utterly broken.

"Y/N, he's going to find me."

"No, sweetheart. He's not," you said. If Lucifer knew she was alive, he would have already come after her. He wouldn't wait this long to try to kill her for the third time.

"He's looking for me," Rowena said, wildly gesturing with her hands. "We have to-we have to go. We have to hide."

"We'll go home, okay? Just, please, calm down."

"How can I calm down when he's after me?!" she shrieked. "What if he finds us at home?"

"He can't. Cloaking spell, remember?" The two of you cast that spell months ago for the sole reason of hiding from Lucifer. You knew your magic was nothing in comparison to hers, but together, you were pretty much unstoppable. No one could find you unless you wanted to be found. Especially now that she was back at full power. "No one can locate us. And even if he somehow manages to find our house, he can't get through the warding."

"He can burn the house with us inside of it."

Rowena's eyes widened, mouth and hands trembling as horrifying memories flooded her mind, as fresh as the day they were created. Trying to push them back, she shook her head rapidly. But no matter how hard she resisted, they persisted. They flashed before her eyes, and with them came the pain she thought she'd never have to go through again. Long-ago healed wounds stung. Her skin burned. Piercing pain shot through her head, right behind her eyes – eyes that had once melted upon meeting Lucifer's true face.

"I-I can't go through that again. I can't burn again!"

Watching her fall apart shattered you. Your own mind flashed back to that hotel room of horrors. You were only supposed to be gone for an hour, just to cool off. You were gone for two. And in that time, Lucifer had mercilessly tortured and murdered your girlfriend.

All that was left of her was a charred corpse and a lock of hair neatly laid on the bed.

You stayed with her as she healed. For a long while she couldn't speak or hear anything. But with her senses returning also came the horror. Being unable to talk didn't mean she couldn't make other kinds of noises.

Those helpless, terrified moans still haunted your dreams.  

As soon as you were certain she could hear the sound of your voice, you let her know that you were there. It calmed her a bit, but she was still in pain, still moaning and groaning like she wanted to jump out of her skin.

Or rather, her bones, as for a long time she hadn't had any skin.

The worst part was that you couldn't touch her. It took over a day for her skin to completely grow back. It was only then that you dared to reach for her hand, frightened to death that you were going to hurt her.

She held on for dear life and hadn't let go until she was fully healed.

"And you won't. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you," you promised, looking her in the eyes to let her know that you meant it.

"You can't protect me. No one can protect me," Rowena rambled. "Not even my magic. He-he's too strong. I can't… I can't protect myself. I thought I could, but I can't."

She stepped away from you, walking over to the wall. Leaning her forehead against it, she took deep breaths. Her hands frantically tapped against her thighs. Magic danced over her fingertips, purple and bright, like sparks of electricity shooting through and from her body.

"I can't do this," Rowena whispered. "This is too much. I can't. I can't." Then, she shouted at the top of her lungs, "I can't!"

Following her outburst, purple energy tore from her body. Furniture crashed, paintings fell, walls cracked, all under the force of the impact. Glass shattered, pieces falling everywhere, covering every inch of the room. Sam and Dean were knocked from their chairs, landing on their backs. You slammed against the wall opposite Rowena, sharp pain piercing your back as it collided with the hard surface.

"What the hell?!" Dean exclaimed.

He and Sam slowly got back on their feet, looking between themselves, then to you, and finally to Rowena.

"What was that?" Sam asked.

"I can't take this anymore!" Rowena wept, hands covering her face to hide her tears. Each sob was followed by a flash of purple pulsating through her, lingering over her skin for a second before being absorbed back into her body. As if struck by an earthquake, the ground began to shake. Broken furniture and glass shards crackled, chiming like a xylophone.

"Knock it off!" Dean exclaimed.

"Rowena!" you called, struggling to regain your footing. You wanted to cry, but you kept your tears at bay. You girl needed you. There would be time for you later. Right now, it was all about her. "Sweetheart, please, stop!"

"He's never gone! No matter what I do, where I go, he always finds me! Why can't he leave me alone?" she cried. Each word was emphasized by stronger shaking. "What have I ever done to him?"

"Nothing, sweetheart. You've done nothing," you told her. "Lucifer's a monster. That isn't on you."

"He'll hurt me!"

"No. Never again," you said decisively. "I promise you, he'll never even look at you again. I won't let him."

"No! I can't lose you, too!" Rowena exclaimed, throwing her hands around in a panicking manner. Lightning shot from her palms, one spark connecting with the floor and the other hitting the wall behind Sam and Dean, missing their heads for a mere inch.

"Damn it, Rowena! Stop this!" Dean barked.

"I don't think she can," Sam said.

"Yeah, well, she should," his brother muttered.

Ignoring them, you kept your eyes firmly on Rowena. "You're not gonna lose me. You're stuck with me forever. It's why you gave me the Seal, remember? So I can annoy you for centuries to come." You gave her a small smile. "We're gonna be okay, sweetheart. I promise."

"Liar!" she exclaimed, another blast of magic ripping from her body and rummaging the room.

The walls were cracked, their neat, light surfaces turning dark and charred. You found yourself against the wall again. A small scream escaped you, but you were quick to get back on your feet. Pain pulsated through your body, twisting and turning in your back, like a hand dragging sharp nails underneath your skin. You ignored it, instead focusing on Rowena.

This is nothing, you told yourself, breathing heavily. She hadn't meant to hurt you. Even when she was evil and pushed her feelings down in favor of an emotionless mask, she hadn't purposely harmed you. This wasn't her – it was the pain.

"I'm not," you said through heavy breaths. The remnants of her magic lingered in the air. Getting comfortable on your feet, you pushed your body forward. One step at a time, you slowly started your way towards her. The invisible magic was thick, its tiny threads gluing to your skin like cobwebs. It felt as if someone had spilled wet, slimy substance all over you and no matter what you did, you couldn't wash it off. "I've never lied to you."

"I don't want your pity!" Rowena yelled.

"It's not pity, I swear."

She glared at you, seemingly angry, but no matter what kind of façade she put on, she could never hide the hurt in her eyes. Those brilliant forest greens, usually so fully of life and now rimmed red and full of tears, held pain you'd never seen before. You'd seen people die; you'd seen those torn apart by monsters and those who'd put a gun to their head, and none of their eyes had borne that look. Some were similar, but none were anywhere close to the level of pain Rowena exhibited.

You thought you understood her, but now you realized you weren't anywhere close to grasping what she was going through. Just how traumatized was she? How much pain was she in?

"Okay, red, that's enough," Dean suddenly said, startling you from your thoughts. Turning to look at him, your eyes widened in shock at the gun he held in his hand.

The gun perfectly aimed at Rowena.

"No!" you screamed. Taking a deep breath, you forced yourself to run. Your legs were heavy, the magic holding you back, but you fought it with everything you had.  

"Dean, what are you doing?" you heard Sam ask.

You paid him no mind. Getting to Rowena was most important.

Finally reaching her, you positioned herself in front of her, shielding her from possible harm.

"I won't let you!" you hissed through rushed breaths.

"She's gonna kill us!" Dean said.

"Wha-kill?" you said incredulously. "She's just scared! Put that thing down! I'm not letting you hurt her!"

"Dean," Sam said warningly, reaching for the gun.

Dean let out a long, hard sigh. Lowering his weapon, he allowed Sam to take it and lay it down on the floor, eyes never leaving yours, threat clear in them.

You made sure to give back as good as you got. Rowena was terrified and in pain. She'd done plenty of horrible things in her four centuries on this Earth, but this time she had no bad intentions. If she could control this, she would have put a stop to it ages ago.

The problem was that she couldn't.

"Help her," Sam said, motioning towards your weeping girlfriend.

Giving a nod, you turned to Rowena. She was staring ahead, straight at the gun by Sam's feet. Her hands nervously tapped her thighs, fingers curling and dancing against the thin, expensive fabric of her pants. The entirety of her was shaking. Her knees were wobbly, and you wondered how she'd managed to remain on her feet.

"Rowena?" you said gently. It took some willpower, but you managed to get your breathing under control, at least a bit "It's okay. No one's gonna hurt you."

Rowena stayed silent. You wondered if she'd heard you. Then, a few moments later, her gaze shifted. Her eyes found yours, and it took all your self-control not to fall apart. It was one thing to watch her from across the room. To see her so vulnerable, so broken and shattered up close was heartbreaking.

"I'm scared, Y/N," she said in a small voice, lips trembling with every word.

"I know, sweetie," you told her.

"It hurts."

"I know."

"I-it hurts so much, I can't breathe!"

You couldn't hold your tears back anymore. "I know, sweetie. Let me help you."

"No one can help me," she said with a shake of her head. Her voice grew quiet, lowering to a whisper.

"I can try."

"Why? Why do you care?" she asked. "I'm just a wicked witch. I've done horrible things. I've brought Lucifer into our lives. I've made your life a nightmare. Why would you want to help someone like me?"

"Because I love you," you said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I don't care what happened before. All I care about is you. You've done some bad things. So what? So have I. So has everyone. What matters is that you've changed. And even if you hadn't, I'd still be here. I love you for you. Nothing else matters to me."

For a while Rowena just stared. Then her legs gave out and she fell on her knees. Sobs overcame her. She brought her hands to her head and buried her face in them, weeping into her palms. You wasted no time, instantly kneeling next to her and pulling her into an embrace. She let you hold her, let you cradle her like a child while she cried, inconsolably, brokenly, into your chest, drenching your shirt with her tears.

"It's gonna be okay," you cooed like a mother consoling a child. "Everything's gonna be okay. I've got you, sweetie."

"I can't see him again," Rowena whimpered.

"You won't. Never again."

She relaxed in your hold, magic calming, purple glow melting back into her body. The room stopped shaking, the heaviness leaving the air.

"That's it, sweetie," you praised. "Good girl."

"I've hurt you," Rowena said.

"Don't worry about it. I'm okay. Just relax." You caressed her hair, leaning down to press a soft kiss to her scalp. "Let's go home, okay?"

You shot Sam and Dean a glare as you said it, warning clear in your eyes. You were leaving. They were weren't going to force you into staying. No more tricks and threats.

They seemed to get the point, as they nodded in agreement.

Rowena gave a small nod of her own. You got up first, then helped her to her feet and put an arm around her for balance. Her hand grabbed onto yours, tiny fingers squeezing tightly. She leaned onto you as you walked, head resting against your chest.

"One more thing." You stopped by the door, turning the look at the Winchesters. "Don't call us. Don't look for us. Don't even think about us. I don't ever wanna see either of you again."

And with that you were out the door, leaving the bunker and its residents in your past. From now on it was just you and Rowena. No forced allies. No frenemies. No sucking up in exchange for favors. Just you and your girl against the world.

When you got home a couple hours later, you took her to bed and held her. You held her and held her and held her for hours, your arms her shelter, her haven. You would protect her, no matter what it took. Even if you had to die in the process, you would keep her safe. Lucifer would never lay his hands on her again.

It took some time for Rowena's tears to dry and for her breathing to return to its regular pace. She remained still, and you let her, neither of you willing to disturb the peace and ruin the blissful moment.

"Darling?" she said, nuzzling your chest.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Thank you for being there.

Thank you for protecting me.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Thank you for loving me.

A smile spread across your mouth. "Anything for you."

She knew you meant it.

Lucifer may be back, but he couldn't get to her. Not while she was with you, in this warded home, guarded by her unlocked power.

And even if he had, he would regret showing up at her door again.

Rowena may be broken, but she had all the power and wasn't afraid to use it. And, unlike last time, she wasn't alone.

A/N: Inspired by Various & Sundry Villains, as well as the scenes in The Vampire Diaries where Elena and Caroline (respectively) have breakdowns following their loved ones' deaths.

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[scrapyardboyfriends]

I totally agree with you about the cheating. The timing of it absolutely sucked, but if we had to have it (and we probably did at some point) I'm so glad it wasn't about Robert having feelings for someone else and all about his overwhelming love for Aaron, but how can we move on and forget about it when Robron (and us) are stuck with two permanent reminders of what happened? It's the baby part of the storyline that has never made sense to me and still doesn't. Where are they going with it?

Well I think we can move on because Robron have moved on. In theory anyway. I get that that doesn’t work for everyone. But Aaron has moved on. He’s accepted Seb into his life and he’s expressed that he’s happy. As for Rebecca, she’s not a threat to them anymore and while her scenes may still annoy us because the writing for her is still sometimes awful, she’s just sort of there. I don’t know, neither one of them bother me anymore because I just let all of it go because I didn’t personally want to be miserable anymore. I can’t tell you how to feel about it anon. That’s just what worked for me and it’s made everything a lot better. I mean, I still sometimes think too hard about where they’re going with things and Rebecca’s story/character still drives me mad but, I’m trying just to go with the flow. 

With regards to the baby part of the storyline, I obviously don’t know what was going through the minds of the storyliners when they came up with this, but I feel like they didn’t start from a standpoint of ‘how do we give robron a baby?’ and go from there. I feel like it was more that a baby as a plot device, ticked a lot of plot boxes for them and a convenient little byproduct of it was that there would in fact be a baby at the end. I don’t think they put enough forethought into the far reaching ramifications of that and reaction to that, but well, we are where we are now. 

Plot Box #1 - The baby was a permanent consequence of Robert’s actionsThe baby’s existence forced Robert to confront his mistake more than I think he usually might have. He doesn’t usually suffer such long term consequences for his actions, which is why he keeps making the same mistakes. The baby was out of his control and I think it scared the hell out of him, but it didn’t let him erase what he had done. 

Plot Box #2 - The baby was a catalyst for the break upWhen Robron got back together the first time, they had so many issues that they never dealt with, their communications issues being chief among them. I remember screaming at the screen during the Chill Era for them to just sit down and have a proper conversation. They never really did. The existence of the baby completely broke their communication down to nothing, thereby highlighting it but also highlighting their codependency and Aaron knew he needed to have a break to work on himself without having to worry about how it would effect Robert and their relationship. 

The moment Robert found out that the baby was actually going to be a permanent reality, he shut down. He couldn’t talk about it. I think in the early days, he was conflicted about it. I think he did maybe want to be a dad but it scared him but he was more terrified of what it would do to his relationship because one of the conditions to Aaron forgiving him for the ons was that the baby wasn’t going to be a part of their future. So Robert just decided he wanted nothing to do with the baby because he thought that’s what Aaron really wanted and he didn’t want to hurt Aaron or lose him. Aaron on the other hand, was trying to be supportive because he didn’t want to risk losing Robert. At the same time, I think he knew that Robert felt more than what he was letting on and that lack of honesty drove him crazy. He just didn’t know where Robert really stood on the issue so then he didn’t know where he stood with Robert but he didn’t want to voice all of this to him because he didn’t want to rock the boat so he internalized it. I think the breakdown in communication, which probably led to Aaron feeling like he had a lack of support for the other stuff he was going through (prison trauma and gordon stuff) because he didn’t want to bring that up so he wasn’t a burden, is what led to the self harm. And the self harm plus Robert’s inability to properly deal with the baby concept plus Aaron’s anger toward that with the wrench throwing, was finally Aaron’s wake up call that they needed a break. And they did need that break, both of them, to figure out how to be better, healthier people on their own before they got back together. And they did both get there in the end. Even if it took Robert a lot longer to get there than Aaron. 

Plot Box #3 - The baby was a tie to the WhitesThe biggest problem in the Hell Plot for me was always the fact that they wanted to involve Robert in the Whites’ exit. It never worked for me. They had to drag it out so long because of the pregnancy and they just had him do too many insane things (robrence for one). But those feelings aside, the baby was key to Robert scoring a place back in that family so he could try and destroy it. Without the baby, they had no reason to trust him again and so he wouldn’t have been able to fulfill his plotly duties and steer them toward their exit. (Of course I think their exit would have been way better if it had focused on Lachlan and his descent into darkness but whatever…we are where we are now)

Plot Box #4 - The baby was a catalyst for Robert changingRobert’s scheming was getting way out of control but the moment the baby was born, it gave him a reason to stop. Now, I mean, I hate this part because this was what ruined Seb (besides his name) for me for a good long while. There was just too much of an abrupt change between Robert nearly willing to sleep with Lawrence to keep up his scheming and Robert stopping his manipulation altogether to become super robot dad for a week before he lost access. That one week just did nothing for me and made me resent the little guy even more because none of it felt believable and because none of it felt believable, Robert’s insistence on getting him back felt really emotionally empty for me. That’s why the scenes of Robert struggling a bit after the crash really helped me a whole lot with Seb as a concept. The baby also was just a catalyst for Robert to become a better person, besides just a reason to stop the scheming with the Whites. They tied it into Aaron with having him tell Robert multiple times that he needed to step up for his son. That along with the Christmas coma and realizing he needed to let Aaron go were what really allowed Robert to finally become this better, healthier version of himself. 

Plot Box #5 - The baby was a catalyst for the Whites’ exitThe baby may have stopped Robert scheming to start his transition into being a better human but his arrival also kicked off the period of time where all of Robert’s schemes were discovered. Seb put Lachlan on edge even more, which led to the attic and Seb being taken by Gerry, which led to Rebecca telling the rest of her family about the fraud, which snowballed into the rest of Robert’s schemes coming out. This led to Rebecca feeling like she needed to get away with Seb and go to the other side of the world to get away from Robert, which of course led to the double kidnapping and ultimately the opportunity for Lachlan to cause the crash. Seb is very powerful. Haha

Plot Box #6 - The baby ultimately steered Robron toward their reunionAaron and Robert hadn’t spoken in like two months before Seb was born but then all of a sudden they were sharing scenes again. Aaron was talking Robert into staying to step up for his son and having little chats with him around the village even if it did still seem a little bit painful for him. Then once super robot dad week was over and Robert was on a mission to get access to his son back, Aaron was there to be a support for him. After the crash, Aaron was there again to give Robert more motivation to be there for Seb since he was all he had at the moment. Then of course we had the start of the two reunion weeks where Aaron finally holds Seb for the first time and I guess sees that he’s not so bad. This leads to the babysitting, which leads to frustrated Alex, which leads to Valentine’s Day and Aaron again being a support to Robert about Seb stuff. And then obviously Valentine’s Day reawakens all of the feelings and led them to reuniting the following week, with Aaron fully on board to take on Seb. (Sure it may not have been the transition of feelings on screen we may have all hoped for but it’s sort of there if you look hard enough and again, we are where we are now and he’s happy)

And in the end, at least for the moment, yes, Robron have a baby and if you’re not thinking about all of the sociopolitical ramifications of that, you probably think, aww well that’s nice. Haha. I don’t know. I’m not really sure what they were thinking about in terms of the end result with a baby, partly because I guess we’re not at the end of that story yet. For the moment, I think it is what it is. They have a kid and everyone seems to be embracing that what with the Dingle scenes yesterday. 

For sure, unless there’s some magical solution to this that they’re going to pull out in the end (which I doubt), I think they didn’t think hard enough about the future ramifications of this story and the reaction it would get, because from a Plot standpoint, a baby was going to work hard and do everything they needed it to do. I just don’t think they expected people to be as upset as some people are. And I don’t know what to say to those people who are still upset and bitter about the whole thing because I respect their principles and the issues they have with it, but again, for me, I just didn’t want to be angry and bitter about it anymore so I’ve tried really hard to let it go. Who knows how I’ll feel once we get whatever conclusion we’re going to get with the Lachlan/Rebecca stuff, but for now, I’m just letting myself enjoy what we’re getting. 

[orbemnews]

The Mogul in Search of a Kinder, Gentler Capitalism A self-made multimillionaire who married into a revered European banking dynasty, Lynn Forester de Rothschild now spends her time calling for higher taxes on the wealthy, stricter regulation of big business and a wholesale reordering of the capitalist system that has delivered her such privilege. It is an unlikely reformation for a woman who came from modest origins, made a fortune in the 1980s and could have spent her later years enjoying a sumptuous life of aristocracy. Born to a middle-class family in the New Jersey suburbs, Ms. Rothschild began her career at the white shoe law firm Simpson, Thacher and Bartlett, then started working with John Kluge, a telecommunications mogul, in the 1980s. Ms. Rothschild eventually struck out on her own, working for, running and founding a series of successful media companies. In 2000, she married Sir Evelyn de Rothschild, a British financier. (Henry Kissinger introduced them at the Bilderberg conference; the Clintons invited them to honeymoon at the White House.) Despite her pedigree, Ms. Rothschild has in recent years come to understand that while she and her associates have enjoyed the fruits of capitalism, not all have fared so well. Many workers are struggling to get by. The environment is in serious trouble. Government often cleans up the private sector’s messes. Sociable and well-connected, Ms. Rothschild has tapped her expansive network to launch a multipronged assault on the status quo. In 2014, she founded the Coalition for Inclusive Capitalism, an effort to get business leaders more engaged in environmental and social issues. And she has parlayed that into a related group, the Council for Inclusive Capitalism, that is working with Pope Francis, and a new fund focused on socially responsible investing she founded with Jeff Ubben, a successful hedge fund manager. This interview was condensed and edited for clarity. Back when you were starting out in your career, were you concerned about some of the negative impacts of capitalism in the same way you are today? It was really different. I don’t think we realized how bad it was. Graduating from law school in 1980, I believed I was living the American dream. I was a skinny girl from nowhere who knew no one, who had aspirations for an interesting life that would make a difference. And I believed that was available to me if I worked hard and played by the rules. The mantra at that time, that was not said disparagingly, was “Greed is good.” There was an Ayn Rand view that if you pursue your interests, all of society is lifted. So I really did believe that all I needed to do was to pursue my career in a legal, ethical, exciting way, and I didn’t have to worry about society. When did it click for you that something wasn’t working? We didn’t anticipate the kind of disparity that developed over those 20 years when we started in 1980. And I don’t think people practicing shareholder primacy were evil. There was just too much greed. But by 2008 it was impossible to ignore. The concentration of wealth in America at that time already was back to levels we had during the Gilded Age. In the 1960s the ratio of C.E.O. pay to average worker pay was 25 to one. Today it is 320 to one. That has very conveniently created enormous personal wealth, which became the objective, as opposed to: What wealth have you left behind in society? How have you made the world better for your children, for your community? “Greed is good” was never a concept for Adam Smith. What do you see as the most problematic symptoms of our economic system today? Inequality of opportunity. We have to be honest that in each of our two recent crises — the great financial crisis and the Covid crisis — the government came to the aid of the wealthiest. Some have called it “socialism for the rich and capitalism for everyone else.” There’s something to that. The elites turn to government when the financial system is blown up or we have a health crisis. Government got us out of both of those problems, and it got us out with too much of the benefit going to the richest. So how do we equalize that? I personally am fine with higher taxes, if higher taxes lead to better distribution of opportunity, particularly for people of color and people in the lower part of the socioeconomic environment. I also believe that it is time that we listen more to our employees. It’s time that we create a more level playing field with respect to worker voice and worker involvement. This is hard stuff, because it can impact profit. A year ago you said Covid was going to change capitalism forever. In what way did you think it was going to change capitalism, and how do you think that all has actually played out? I’m probably always guilty of being overly optimistic. I believed that our moral compass would tell us that we need to take better care of the people who take care of us. But we saw starkly how we treated the people we called essential, how we were exposing them to this deadly disease. I personally find it difficult to understand why that is so hard for us as a society, and that’s why I founded the Council for Inclusive Capitalism. I had the disease. I was really sick. I thought I was going to die. I had a really bad case and I’m scared to death of it. What were the origins of the Council for Inclusive Capitalism? In June of 2015, Laudato Si was written by Pope Francis. By September, the Sustainable Development Goals were agreed to by the United Nations. By December, the Paris climate accord had been signed. You had every reason to believe that there was a sense of the common good. And if you go back and read Laudato Si, Pope Francis writes: “The lessons of the global financial crisis have not been assimilated, and we are learning all too slowly the lessons of environmental deterioration.” He goes on to say that “by itself the market cannot guarantee integral human development and social inclusion.” What are some of the reforms you’d like to see? The Business Roundtable can put out as many press releases as it wants about stakeholder capitalism, but we still have companies losing billions of dollars, laying off tens of thousands of workers and still rewarding their C.E.O.s with tens of millions of dollars. Something is really broken. I do believe that C.E.O.s and boards are willing to share the wealth and do more. But the Chamber of Commerce and the Business Roundtable are going to go for tax policy and trade policy as their primary objective. I remember a person who was very senior in a previous administration told me that in his four years in office, only one C.E.O. asked to go and see him about an issue of the common good. Everyone was coming in to push what they needed for their own book. We need to profitably solve the problems of people and planet. That’s why business exists. Who’s to say that there shouldn’t be a government policy that prices the negative externalities that companies cost the taxpayer when full-time workers have to be on public assistance to lead a decent life? Why can’t there be a tax and a penalty on that? Why is Jeff Bezos the richest man in the world? He’s a nice guy, and at the same time he has tens of thousands of employees on public assistance. Why is that OK? Why do we have a government that lets that happen? Which do you think is more broken, American politics or capitalism? I think their problems feed upon each other. They’re creating a death spiral together and it’s got to be stopped. Politics and capitalism needs to return to a basic sense of decency. And that is actually why I reached out to the Holy Father, because I think that a lot of what it will take to change behavior is a moral and ethical reawakening. It’s not just one policy, it’s not just taxes, it’s not just reforming labor laws — all of which are important, and we need competent ethical people to do it. But at the core of it, it has to come from common decency. God did not invent the corporation. Society allows a corporation to exist, gives shareholders limited liability, and expects something in return. But we don’t just expect cheap widgets. How do you reconcile your critique of shareholder capitalism with the fact that you’re now working with a hedge fund manager? If there is going to be a system change, the capital markets need to reward shareholders. That is only going to happen if there are really talented investors who find the new levers of value creation, and are engaging actively with companies that are transforming at scale to become cleaner and more inclusive, and those companies become the ones that are the most valuable. Then we’ve created a race to the top. That’s why I’m in partnership with Jeff, who’s such a legend in shareholder value creation and transforming companies. I have 1,000 percent confidence in the integrity of Jeff, even though he’s been on the opposite side for many years. I trust many billionaires. Source link Orbem News #Capitalism #Gentler #Kinder #Mogul #Search