#for my heart and my mood and my mental health and my joy. honestly!

[itspileofgoodthings]

1 and 5 for introspective asks?

1. What have you been thinking about lately underneath all your other thoughts? What’s a consistent internal hum?

That I need to talk to God more! And it's morphing (slowly, sloooooooowly) into something I am less afraid of and more of an awareness of a Loving Presence that I can and should and want to speak to more.

I have ALSO --not related at all-- been reflecting on how growing up and growing older and "getting better" (so to speak, especially re: anxiety) often doesn't mean the problems go away. it just means that you feel differently about them. I HATED that concept even just a few years ago--I still do hate it often! ---but also, sometimes, often, the stuff that makes me anxious STILL EXISTS, and I'm still plagued by the SAME WORRIES, and the SAME PROBLEMS, but literally my emotions about them have changed. I've accepted them more and so they've shrunk down to a more manageable size. And it's kind of funny because I was always right to be anxious, in a sense. The intuition about what to be afraid of was dead on, even down to specific scenarios that would trigger me feeling really upset. But it's just. I am just a little less upset now and not because one iota of the problem has changed but just because of time, I guess. Literal experience that unpleasant things won't kill me. Exposure therapy to continued circumstances where things turn out more or less okay. Honestly getting bored. Like. it's just like "okay damn that's how this is going to be, oh well i need to go eat something" etc. I am simply less dramatic in the halls of my own mind and that, I believe, is a gift of time and getting older. And I can't wait for it to keep goingggggggggggg. Soon I will have NO PROBLEMS that bother me aT ALL. (Just kidding.)

Did even a single word of this make sense. I'm so sorry.

5. What are you grateful for?

I am grateful, once again, for my job. Even though i have so much grading to do tomorrow and it is the WORST. And even though sometimes it makes me want to cry or scream. but it really does just heal that extrovert part of me and it makes me feel like part of a community even when I don't want to be and actually --can't tell if this is super vain of me or super common man human core of me--but I just like that I'm around a bunch of people who know me and greet me???? Like i LITERALLY used to walk around my college campus and I was always so sad because no one knew who I was (I was always kind of on the outside in college and wasn't part of any groups and didn't live in the dorms and never quite fit in anywhere) and now I come out of a building on the campus of the school I teach or I walk down the halls and I know most of the people and they know me. Kids shout at me when they see me across a parking lot. And even if they're just shouting at me to ask me what grade they got on their final (as a kid did to me on Friday lol) it always kind of heals me.

[inklessletter]

Hello!

I hope, this message finds you in good health and a pleasant day will follow after it. I guess, I just wanted to say thank you?

I opened your blog thanks to your works (absolutely stunning, by the way; I especially like the way you work with light and how the poses and facial expressions of the characters are fused into a soft mood, an atmosphere of great delicacy, almost elusive magic), but I was struck by what a pleasant, amazing and wonderful person you are besides that.

Of course, I can't claim to know you. But know, that sometimes these glimpses of your personality and worldview in your posts feel as good as a cup of the best coffee in the city you are passing through, like the most affectionate cat in white socks, which you will never see again, but who let you pet him, and like a fantastic song performed by a street musician that disappears the next morning. Something so brief, but beautiful. And at such moments, I believe, you remember, that you love people and love life. So, thank you.

Can only wish for you to stay true to yourself, always find pleasure in creativity and have the opportunity to love and be loved. If sometimes the first one seems difficult – go and find that coffee, that cat, that musician, I know that the beauty in the world will respond to your beauty. If the latter seems impossible, remember that there are probably dozens more people like me – a little bit charmed by you.

I apologize in advance for possible mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.

Goodbye!

Not gonna lie, I don't really want to answer this because I want this in my inbox for ever, so I can look at it anytime I want to, but that's selfish, I need to tell you, Anon, that if you spread this kind of love, this kind of positivity, I need to get back to you, even if I don't know who you are.

Honestly, I don't really know how to answer this message. Anon, this was probably one of the most wholesome, heart felt things I've ever been told. This is just so, so beautiful, and I'm struggling with the fact that I might not have a mental lexicon that I can use to express how this has made me feel. My presence has never been compared to a stray cat allowing you to pet them, or your favorite song perfectly performed for you just once in your life.

You nailed one thing about this, and this is the feeling I constantly attempt to address in people. That's what I want to be, ephemeral joy, someone that made something that made you smile today. I have never told this, like, publicly, but as silly as it may sound, a few years back I used to join to random chats and just talked to people, because I know what it feels to not being able to talk openly to anyone. So I became that anon, that faceles, nameless entity that helped them spill out whatever was stuck in their chests. When they started asking for my socials, I just knew it was time to jump to another random person. Didn't want to be found, didn't want to run into that person anymore because my job was done. Fleeting nice encounter, nothing more.

Your message has just struck me in the best way. Thank you so, so much for your great words and your loving feelings and wishes. Just by the way you write I can see that you're a beautiful soul that know how to find joy and I love that for you, because you too know how to give back that joy you find. That's a talent, and that's beautiful, and that's what keeps my faith alight.

There's good in the world, there's good in people, and this message is proof of that. I will remember that someone thinks of me as the best coffee in town, and as an affectionate stray kitten, as a favourite song, whenever I feel like I am worth nothing. I will remember this.

I will remember you, even if I don't know you.

Thank you so much, I hope you have the best life.

PS: I'm not a native English speaker either, but your message was flawless.

[arinavah]

hi arina! how are u doing? i've read your life update before about how you may not be able to do art stuffs due to life circumstances, seeing you open your shop now really brightens my heart! i'm also an artist in a kind of tough situation where i dont have much choice and might have to give up drawing or have difficulty continuing. im wondering how you got thru it? your art updates give me strength and hope! but if u dont feel like sharing, i totally understand. hoping you best and thank you!!

I'm sorry I'm answering this so late, talking about my current life always ruins my mood. (this will be a long whining post, I'm very upset right now so I need to speak out)

Probably we are in different situations, unlike you, drawing is the only thing I can do now. I've  mentioned here before that my grandma had a stroke this summer, my parents live in another city, they come here from time to time. Me and grandma live in Moscow, sooooo, generally, disabled grandma is MY responsibility most of the time. Even though she's making some slow progress in recovering, she's still mostly bed ridden, she can't take care of herself, she can't get up from the bed without help, she barely walks, etc., etc. So we can't leave her alone, and taking care about such helpless person, 24/7 IS HARD. She can wake us up several times at night to go to toilet or whatever, during the day she always wants something and we have to serve her, it really exhaustes me. (I half jokingly say that I unexpectedly became mother of 76 y.o. child, but I've always been child-free, so guess what I'm feeling right now)

Good news: I have some time to draw. To be honest drawing is the only sphere of my life I still can control, it's the only thing bringing me joy. And thankfully some people buy my merch so I can earn some money even in these circumstanses.

Bad news: I lost all freedom I'd had, I can't go anywhere without hiring nurse, I have much less time for work and drawing, I can't properly relax after long day, in fact I can NEVER relax, I can't meet with friends, I can't travel, I have to cancel work trips. Even simple mandane things became very difficult and even impossible because of all these restrictions. I can't find proper words to describe how those restrictions of my freedom make me depressed and devastated, right now my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I cry almost every day, I became hysterical and agressive, I hate my life so much, that the mere thought of spending the rest of my youth living my family's life, not MY OWN LIFE makes me want to kms. At the moment I control nothing in my life, I can't decide where to live, what to do, where to go, absolutely nothing. Probably I will never find a partner, because dating in these life contitions is impossible. Probably I will die alone without any love and friends. Maybe my only destiny is to take care of disabled person.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my life's ended, that I won't have any freedom and any new people around me till she passes away or till one of my parents will take full charge of taking care of her (it will happen in 5 years or so, they have work to finish in another city).

I spend my days solving my family's problems, my grandma's health problems, selling some merch to earn money and drawing some silly things just to ✨feel something✨.  So me being able to draw something in difficult circumstanses is not some heroic thing, I'm not overcoming myself to make art desprite everything, what I'm doing is just...escapism... I want to get lost in my little drawings or in little stories for some time to forget about everything bothering me. Honestly, I'm very happy that I haven't lost ability to draw after everything happened to me this year.

Guys.... sorry for whining, but 2022 ruined my mental state completely... Political situation (fucking Russia 💀💀💀), family situation, I just feel so much hatered for this world, for this universe where none of my dreams will ever come true, where I control nothing, where I have to live someone else's life, where I have no freedom, where I have to be silent, where I have to look at my government's crimes and be silent, where I can't  plan anything, where I can't love who I want (yesterday they accepted "lgbt propaganda" ban law), where I have to live the rest of my life in the country I hate, with a government I hate, isolated, lonely, constricted, attached to disabled person.

My parents keep telling me it's temporary, they don't want me to be a nurse for the rest of my life, everything is gonna be okay, they will solve everything. I don't believe them. Maybe I'm overdramatising, maybe if I get a therapy I'll feel better and less pessimistic about my future, but for now... I feel terrible. So, if drawing makes me feel a little bit better, then I'll continue to draw.

[thespectacularspider-girl]

Retiring this Blog

So yes, I’m retiring this blog as of right now. I will be turning off the ability to send asks, messages or submissions. The queue is empty so you will not be seeing any more posts after today.

Why am I retiring? Mostly for mental health. I felt like nine years of political discourse has not done me much good. I have clinical depression and I’ve been making progress in combating it but this blog has not helped overall. I found that the constant inquiry about political discussion, getting into arguments, etc, made my mood deteriorate. Even worse, when my mood was already in bad shape, I’d find myself tempted to engage in discourse as a distraction. This might work in the short term but in the long term this only did damage to me.

For a few weeks I was focusing on my art and other creative work and I found that I was genuinely happy with my life during that time. And when politics came knocking again, I found myself splashed with cold water and miserable again. That feeling of being dragged backwards is what spurred this decision.

I want to focus on the things that make me happy; game design, writing and artwork. That is what I’m going to do. Maybe, one day in the distant future, I might come back and this blog might revive. But I can’t promise that.

Since I announced my intent, I’ve been flooded with numerous comments and messages from people who wanted to thank me or wish me luck. Honestly, it’s been overwhelming to experience, and this week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, having realized I’ve had an impact on so many people. I never really expected to be worthy of such an outpouring.

To everyone who supported me, who wished me well, who worried about my wellbeing and who made me laugh, thank you so much. It wasn’t all bad, lots of my time here was good. And that’s solely based on the people who followed me and who I surrounded myself with. I made friends here who I don’t think I can ever give up.

I just want everyone to know how grateful I am for being part of your experience. I recognized so many of you over the years, seeing the same people in the notes or in my inbox. I remember all the running jokes made about me, good and bad, and I hope at least some managed to make you laugh.

I know that it might seem like a story without a conclusion. I know people have followed me for a long time, wanting to see how it all turns out. I’m sorry that I’m closing this book without any definite answers. I wish I could have posted one day that I got to move and be out of the closet, to heal and recover, but it hasn’t happened yet. You will just have to hope that things turn out better for me. That’s all you can you and all I can do, really.

If there’s one thing I can ask of all of you reading this, it’s this; Please take care of yourself. Find the things you find joy in and do them. Life is too short to have it be spent in misery and anger. Don’t let the negativity consume you because it helps nobody and only serves to damage you. Appreciate what you have and cherish the things you take for granted.

Thank you, again, to everyone. You’ve turned something I was sad to do into something I won’t ever forget. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Take care of yourselves, everyone.

Goodbye.

[haikyuu-appreciation-club]

Hiii love💞, could I request a kurro x reader based on the song "sometimes" by "Chelsea Cutler?" It's a beautiful song, and I would love to see how you write it out!! Thank you, and I can't wait smto see what you make out of it!!!

•Sometimes•

Kuroo x Reader

warnings: a few curse words + mentions of depression, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts + trust issues

genre: angst to fluff + comfort

word count: 2.2k

hey sweetheart!! 

I really adore this request, it’s different then anything I've done before and I'm excited to get to turn my interpretation of this song into a fic

my interpretation of this song is that its in the perspective of a person that has depression and it’s consuming them. It constantly comes and goes and affects the way they are in a relationship. they feel as though they are unable to be loved and they have a hard time trusting that their partner actually cares for them due to this added baggage they have. 

ik the actual meaning of the song is different but I'm writing based off of that :)

this is a very beautiful song and I hope I bring it justice 

enjoy <3

(TRIGGERS BELOW)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

(TW DEPRESSION, TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, TW MENTAL HEALTH, TW TRUST ISSUES)

You used to enjoy the early morning hours. The way the sun would peer through your partially open blinds, casting rows of golden hues across your walls. The taste of flavorful coffee flowing down your throat, bringing you to your senses. Even the noise of cars passing by brought you a source of peace as you got ready for your day.

Overtime, mornings grew bitter. The sunlight became a nuisance, causing you to bury yourself deeper in your covers. You no longer had to energy to get up and make yourself a cup of coffee and the hum of the car engines just reminded you of the dreaded day ahead. 

Honestly, you can't recall when the beautiful colors of this world had faded from your view.

Although you had grown accustomed to these emotions, they weren't always dominating your life. They came and went in waves, allowing brief moments of happiness to creep through. On one of those special occasions, the universe brought Kuroo into your life.

Meeting him felt like coming up for your first breath of air after a long swim. He wasn't a complete stranger but you had been too encased in your thoughts to ever go out of your way to talk with him. Luckily, he made the effort to reach out and the two of you clicked right away. You had thought things were finally looking up for you, crawling your way out of the slump you had constantly been dragged in and out of. You saw this as your time to collect the broken pieces of yourself and start over with Kuroo, but those thoughts were soon deemed trivial. After a while, your depression had hauled you back into the darkness, stripping you from any ounce of joy you had left. Kuroo had kept you afloat for longer than anyone has ever had, and maybe that’s why you allowed yourself to indulge in wishful thinking. You should have known better though, you were broken repair and it was no ones job to fix you.

Although you never opened up about your struggles to Kuroo, he wasn't completely oblivious to the situation. He had noticed your change in attitude straight away. The way you would shy away from any social situations, silently begging him to just stay inside and cuddle on the couch. The way you would take two or three bites of dinner and lazily claim you were full. The way the things you loved to do, didn't seem to peak your interest anymore. Even the way your sleeping patterns had shifted, either feeling you toss and turn in the middle of the night or finding you still sleeping in at four in the afternoon. 

Kuroo was confused to say the least, this demeanor was so new to him and he didn’t know what to do. You seemed so hollow, as if you were a shell of your former self. It broke Kuroo’s heart to see you in such a state and he wanted to help you, he just had no clue how.

You weren’t the type of person to lay all of your emotions out on the table, Kuroo knew that much. So, he didn't want to force things out of you or do anything to make you shy away from him more then you already had. He wanted to be able to handle this situation in a way you both were comfortable with. So, he took his time observing your behavior and researching the things he noticed. 

Soon enough, his hunch that you had been entrapped in a depressive state had been confirmed. All of your actions and new found mannerisms had lined up with the symptoms almost perfectly. Now he just had to find a way to approach you about your current situation.

Things on your part were growing worse with each passing day. You were exhausted, as if all the energy had been drained from your body. The motivation to even get out of bed had been snatched away. You were at the point where you just felt like giving up. There was no point in trying anymore and you had discovered living to be so tiring. The only thing keeping you going was Kuroo, and you felt oddly selfish for that. 

Kuroo had always made it a point to care for you and be by your side with everything throughout your relationship, but why should he? Did he not realize how damaged you were? As if you were a surgery gone wrong and no one could find the source of the bleed. You loved Kuroo with all your heart but knowing how much trouble you had already caused and how much was waiting to ensue tugged at your chest.

Thoughts continued to swim in your head while you lied in your bed, curled up with your knees to your chest as you stared at the empty wall. You couldn’t recall how long you’d been lying there. Time seemed to fade away recently, the minutes, hours, and days blended together. Honestly, you couldn’t care less. Opening your eyes had been dubbed a difficult task so getting ready for the day had been out of the question for quite a while. Lying in bed all day had become so familiar to you, you were no longer content with anything else.

A creak came from the opposite side of your bedroom as the door leading in softly swung open. Your eyes darted in the direction of the noise but you didn’t move a muscle as light footsteps approached the bed. You knew who it was but you couldn’t bring yourself to greet them, it was too much effort on your part.

The second Kuroo had walked through the door he had taken notice of your disheveled state. He had been unable to see you for the past few days due to a family event that had been planned.

He invited you to come along but you refused, seeing you didn’t want to ruin the mood and you didn’t have the energy to put up a front for that long. Kuroo didn’t want to leave you by yourself but you insisted that he went and spend time with his loved ones. So, reluctantly, he bid you farewell and went on his way. The two of you kept in touch through text messages which helped to sooth his nerves a smidge, but soon enough your replies grew shorter and popped up on his screen less often until they stopped appearing at all. Panic conquered his mind and he booked the first flight home to you. 

There was a dip in your bed as Kuroo sat at your side. A small part of you wanted to hug him but you stayed stiff as a board, expression unwavering. You felt a hand gently sit atop your thigh as small circles were rubbed into your warm skin,

“Hey babe.”

You wanted to answer him, you really did, but only silence hung over the room following his warm greeting,

“I know you’ve been going through a lot lately, do you mind if i help you out a little bit?”

A small nod was given, insinuating that he had your permission to continue with whatever he had planned, not as if you had the strength to disagree.

You felt the covers lightly being drawn off of your body, allowing the cool air to dance against your skin. Kuroo swiped at the hairs that had invaded your vision and placed a chaste kiss to your forehead before scooping you up. You fell limp in his hold, turning towards him and hiding your face in his chest. 

Kuroo carried you to your bathroom and seated you on the counter. He watched as your eyes stayed glued to your feet, as if a weight had been attached to your neck. Although his heart ached at the sight, you were hurting more than he was right now. Grabbing your toothbrush and toothpaste off the counter, he placed a hand on your jaw and began to brush your teeth. 

He continued to tend to your daily tasks, those of which you had been neglecting since he last saw you. He brushed out your hair, bathed you, and dressed you in clean clothes. 

As you sat on the bathroom floor, allowing you hair to air dry, Kuroo carried on. He had changed your bedding, throwing your old sheets into the washer and pulling fresh ones from the cabinet. He also walked around your room, picking up trash and putting things where they belonged. He had even made it a point to peel away your blinds and open your window, allowing the outside world to finally reach you after what felt like an eternity.

You couldn't understand why he was doing all this, he should leave you while he had the chance. Hell, you would've left a long time ago. So why didn’t he? 

The door of the bathroom was pushed open once more, interrupting your thoughts. Kuroo crouched down in front of you. Although your appearance had returned to it’s prior state, your eyes still held a sorrowful glow,

“I’m gonna bring you back to the bed, is that alright?”

You nodded once more, allowing him return you to your area of origin. 

As you lied on your back, staring at the celling, Kuroo timidly slid down next to you. His body had turned towards you as he wrapped his arm around your midsection, the other tucked behind his head. 

Kuroo may not let you see it, but he was beyond nervous. He was anxious he wasn't doing or saying anything right and the last thing he wanted was to make you feel worse than you already did. Despite this, he knew he had to bring this situation into the light somehow. Even if you shied away from the subject or the conversation ran short,

“I’m sorry Y/N. I know your mind has put you though hell and back. I might not be able to understand it but you aren’t alone, okay? You’re so important to me and no matter what, I'll be right here by your side. And don’t push yourself to let me in, I'm here when you’re ready.” Those words had cleared something from you mind and finally allowed you to feel. Not even realizing it, a tear slipped down your cheek. Then two, and three, until you were choking on sobs. Your hand had found the front of Kuroo’s shirt as you cried into his chest. Everything that had been stored away had finally found it’s way to the surface. 

Kuroo held you in his tight embrace, placing soft kisses on the top of your head as you broke down. He didn’t mind the damp shirt or the feeling in his arms disappearing, all he was focused on was you. 

After a while, he felt your voice vibrate against his chest,

“Hm? Sorry baby, I didn’t catch that.”

Your voice had been muffled by the cloth pressed against your face. So, you pulled away from his grasp, finally looking him in the eyes for the first time since he set foot in your home,

“Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you.”

Your mind drew a blank, was his answer to your question that simple?

“What?”

“Because I am in love with you,” he cupped your cheek and gave you a soft smile, “I am completely in love with every single thing about you Y/N, the good and the bad. I love it all because at the end of the day, It’s still you who’s by my side.”

You felt a tug at your heart as he gently pulled you into a kiss. You slowly returned the gesture, relishing in the feeling of his lips on yours. You hadn't realized how much you had distanced yourself from the man you loved until this very moment. Your depression had lead you to reject the fact that your boyfriend actually cared about you, making you shy away from him as a whole. 

As the two of you pulled apart your mind granted your body permission to pull your boyfriend into your embrace, another sensation you had deeply missed. You sunk your face into the crook of his neck and breathed in the sent of his cologne.

The two of you stayed that way for a while, allowing yourselves to become familiar with each other’s touch once more.  

Soon enough, you had grown tired due to your fit of tears earlier and began to slip in and out of consciousness. Taking notice of this, Kuroo pulled you down until you were both lying side by side. Your body had found his once more as you snuggled into his side,

“I love you Kuroo.”

“I love you more Y/N.”

There was much to be discussed but that could wait until the morning. For now, all that was important to Kuroo was being by your side, where he loved to be.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[alexturne]

I've truly loved writing this story.

It's taught me so much about writing and though I honestly love what I ended up with it feels like a completely different person wrote it.

Its been rough and stressful and I've doubted myself so much, many times and I still do.

And I am not blind to the imperfections, to the ways I am still such an immature writer in so many ways. My vocabulary is lacking at times, my ability to not get lost in the little details and miss the whole picture is still very much developing, I often get overwhelmed and lose track of what I wanted or where I'm going.

And so many of the things I admire in other people's writing is just not something I'm capable of yet. There are so many immature, naive, blue-eyed choices. Childlike at times, even though I'm a full fucking adult. It's immature, I know that. And that's okay. And it's still lovely and worthwhile. And I love the fact that I'm able to be okay about that now.

I am incredibly addicted to the positive reinforcement, the comments and kudos and all that shit, I'm new to posting anything anywhere at all and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the warmth and encouragement it brings when I receive the positive attention, and how to deal with it when I receive nothing, when no one reacts. Or when I receive criticism, valid or not. It's a jungle, and I'm still learning how to deal with it in a good way.

How to not let it define my work. How to not let it take away my joy from why I'm creating. How to allow myself to make myself happy first and hope that others will enjoy it, and still remain happy even if they don't.

I'm still trying to learn how to not let it affect my moods too much or my sense of self-worth. How to not let it affect me in such a way that it stops me from wanting to create.

I'm still learning how to figure out how to deal with the ups and downs, how to deal with disappointments and all the negative things that pop up in my head. It's a journey and it is so closely linked with my personal life and mental health that's it stands far beyond just writing stories about two men falling in love over and over again.

But.

I'm incredibly proud of myself for actually writing this. Of thinking up a concept and managing to write it how I wanted it, of creating two characters that though they were inspired by real people have truly become characters of their own in my head at least. I'm proud of managing to bring myself and other people joy and warmth from it.

I've written what I needed. I needed to find warmth and joy and happiness. In my own darkness, I needed a warm hug and with this story I decided to write that hug for myself. I needed something that was mine, that I could pour my heart into that would reward me in return, and it truly has. I was truly in need of something bright and sparkly in my life. Something to pull me out when it gets too dark and heavy for me to go on, it's been something I could pour myself into and allow myself to be lost in until I felt better.

And the fact that so many others found the same comfort and joy from my work is just astounding. Hearing that I've brightened someone else's day, being what they needed when they felt sick or bad themselves, being something good in a world of bad, it all meant so much.

To not be alone in needing that warmth and comfort, but also being able to help others find it when they needed it.

I'm proud of myself for actually finishing something. For not falling into my usual trap of it having to be perfect to be allowed to exist at all. For not seeing it in absolutes, for not just giving up because I feared it wasn't good enough, for battling my own lack of belief in my own abilities.

For allowing myself to like something I did. Something I did for me, because it was fun, something no one in my real life know that I've done, but something I can be proud of.

I fucking did it.

[danddymaro]

Addiction | Old Snake x Reader

An Ending to MGS4 that ends in happiness for our good boi Snake

Fixed/Edited

BTW: Let’s shift the events around and pretend he went to go talk to Big Boss Before Meryl's wedding.

Thoughts are italics in quotations = 'Example'

Flashbacks are in italics = Example

Word Count:  2225

Addiction

From betwixt the snug place of his lips, the smoke in which he took pleasure from was snatched, aggressively pulled out in a single motion,

"Snake," A familiar male's voice said in a harsh whisper, sounding frustrated and disappointed all together, "Just what in the world do you think you're doing!?" Otocon added with the same tone of exasperation.

Silently, Snake's blue eyes drifted right to see the bespeckled brunette male giving him a half-hearted glare, his entire expression full of annoyance as he glared onto the man that seemed many years older than what he truly was.

"You know you shouldn't be smoking," Hal said while shaking his head in the same disapproval, making sure to exaggerate a low dragged out sigh, "Honestly...Snake, you'd think that at least today you'd make an exception." He added.

'Today...' David started, 'Today is a special day... for not just me, but for her too,' He thought while grunting, knowing just what the other man meant, feeling guilt weigh down over his shoulders as he recognized his selfishness.

With a dull gaze as a response, Snake returned the look back to his long-time friend, 'I know this already...don't think I don't,' He silently told the man while pressing his lips together tightly.

Tearing his eyes from the hardened dark chocolate orbs, David then trailed his oculars down to the discarded nicotine as it now lay on the floor, a small, thin line of smoke still rising from its end, a gentle flicker of a red spark still visible as well.

He could pick it back up. After all, it was salvageable, but even so, his reaction remained prolonged.

He stared at it for a few moments before he closed his eyes to rid himself of the tempting image.

"You will end up smelling like burnt ash and tobacco. I don't think she'd like that," Otacon continued to speak, convincing him to make the right choice.

Dropping his shoulders, Snake nodded in defeated agreeance, knowing it to be true.

After a few silent minutes passed, he then gave a frustrated sigh and stepped on it, crushing it under his shoe and making sure it was put out by the stomp.

"yeah yeah," David grumbled, because he was well aware of the fact and had already mentally kicked himself for it.

"I know you're nervous," Hal then said with a soft, understanding smile rising, "it's understandable," he said while placing his hand on his friend's shoulder, "But you should do it for her. " He added, truthfully, also being concerned for Snake's health.

"Now come on, " Emmerich said with brightened brown orbs, "It's about to begin," he reminded the other male, his index finger tapping the little face on his watch as an exited grin overtook him.

Having spent almost his entire life in battle, it wasn't like he could fit into the normal world with ease. He couldn't just chuck himself into an easy everyday life as simple as that, no matter what anyone tried to tell him.

He'd been told to live his life, to enjoy what bits he had left and to salvage it the best he could, but he hadn't the least bit of an idea as to how to do so,

'how? ' He wondered helplessly, uncertain as to just how he could go on so simply.

What could a man that's known nothing but battle do in the normal world?

He couldn't go back to his family as other soldiers would often do, because he had none. He had no mother, father, brothers, or sisters, to fall back to. 

Heck, he didn't even have a damn dog to go back to and run toward at the end of the day.

All in all, he had nothing. So, he couldn't just join into the masses of civilians and blend in, because it just hadn't been in his plans.

He'd never thought that far along, and for a long time, he'd thought there was nothing there for him.

But of course, life had its crazy, little surprises, especially one he'd never anticipated... 

"Marry me!" She said out loud, her voice rising with plea, the sudden proposal stopping his movements entirely. 

His steps came to a complete halt, and the foot that had almost touched the ground stayed suspended for a moment, hovering over the placement by just a centimeter.

He then took two slow breaths before he placed it down to the Earth, turning to the woman with confusion, his brows knotted together to show a visibly painted look of dumbfoundedness,

"wh..what?" He breathed, almost inaudibly as he tried to comprehend what he'd heard.

 He was certain that it was just his old age playing with him.

 He just knew it was the only explanation as to why he heard her say the words because it was just unfathomable to him,

'I must be hearing things,' He thought to himself, deflated at the sudden realization that dawned upon him.

Dementia; he probably had dementia.

He'd thought he had just a bit more time before then, but it seemed that he wasn't lucky enough, and surely the old age he presented himself with had finally fully beaten him,

"What...what did you say?" He asked slowly, staring at her with furrowed brows.

She took a step forward, inching herself closer to him with anxiousness, seeming uncertain on coming near,

"Did...did you not hear me?" She squeaked, face turning beet red, seeming mortified at the fact that she had to once again repeat herself.

" Perhaps... but I could have been mistaken." He grumbled, watching her continue to move closer to him.

Slowly, and tentatively she stepped forward, soon standing three feet from him, staring up at him with a harsh swallow, a small lump gliding down her throat before she spoke yet again,

"I...I...I said ...I ... I said ... will you marry me..." she repeated with strain, sounding much smaller the second time around, losing all the sense of confidence she'd previously fueled herself with.

"Marry you..?" He repeated, still at a loss.

At her side, he noticed she held the white bouquet full of flowers tightly bound within her hold, and it was the same bunch that Meryl had thrown up in the air not a few moments ago.

When she realized just what he had been staring at, she held it up with a rather quirky smile, " I think this kind of means I'm next, and I don't see anyone better around," she said while raising both her brows to dance up and down until he turned away from her, not in the mood for the show of playfulness,

"Huh?!

- What! Please don't go!" she cried out, rushing after him, soon managing to stand before him, her arms widespread to stop him from moving past her,

"I'm being serious!" She declared, looking up at him with frantic (e/c) colored eyes, "You have to believe me!" she added, continuing on with her story.

She reminded him of the fact that they'd met before. It had been a while back, an event that had embedded itself deep within her heart, even if he'd forgotten,

"Because..." She started, " Because I've thought of you every day after that," she confessed. "And then I spoke to Hal, and he brought me here, he told me that now...Now was my chance to tell you. " She confessed to him.

She'd waited years, pinning for the man through each and every one of them, waiting for the day she'd one day stand before him again.

And it all began to make sense by then, why Otocon seemed so insistent on him joining the ceremony, despite his own refusal to show because he'd had other plans in mind, all of which didn't include infecting everyone with his miserable air.

"I'm not exactly meant for romanticism, " he told her. " And even if I were..." He trailed off, keeping his eyes drawn away from her, his words dying out as he let her fill in the blanks.

Even if he had been willing to take the risk, to suddenly go off and get hitched to some strange woman he just vaguely remembered,

his life was draining, and all in all, he had nothing to offer her.

"You're better off with someone else... " he said lowly, " someone who has the time," he added with the same dejection, moving to leave her behind before she stopped him again,

"Wait," She said with a stilled breath.

Her two hands both grasped his, stopping him and effectively holding him back. The soft, warm palms of her two hands enveloped his own hand which was much rougher and less dainty, " Let's at least try?" she said with hope,

"I already know," She told him, " I've already known about your condition...but still..." She went on, daring to step closer, " Still... Even then, it doesn't change the way I feel, and, in fact, It just fuels me to want to be with you even more, " She admitted.

"It's sudden, I understand, but at the very least, give me the opportunity to come closer to you." She tried to compromise,

"If you begin to feel the same way I do...then... then we can make something of it. " She told him, slowly convincing him with the lovely stare of her pleading, (e/c) colored eyes.

He reflects back to her proposal far more than he cares to mention because it had been the moment his life took a complete turn, going from muted grey and black to cheerful, colorful vibrancy in every step that she accompanied him in.

And it all lead him to where he was now, standing before her, dressed properly and prim, left awestruck at her beauty, moreso than he typically was, reminding him that perhaps his luck wasn't so bad if it had somehow aligned their lives together.

she held his hand in hers as she slid the silver band onto his finger, the smile she wore on her red painted lips never faltering, not once losing its lovely show of fulfilled happiness, because she couldn't be any more joy-filled, something everyone commented on.

- There wasn't a happier bride in the planet.

Her cheek was then pressed to his chest, her nose scrunching up as she let out a soft sigh, not sounding angry, but he knew she wasn't all too pleased either,

"You were smoking..." she said softly, closing her eyes slowly as she let her body be led by his slow movements.

He wasn't a dancer, and she wasn't either, but nonetheless, they rocked together, bodies pressed close as their friends watched the couple's first dance together.

"I can smell it on you," she added with a small sound of exhaled air produced from her nostrils.

She hated loving the scent, the smell of smoke making her think just of him and nothing more.

"I was nervous," he said in defense, his response making her giggle softly,

"Don't tell me you want out already?" she asked him, drawing back slightly to look up at him, saying it in a joking manner, but even then he could hear the uncertainty in her voice. 

"Because I think it's a little too late for that," She reminded him.

"...Do you?" he asked her back, and he watched her shake her head in denial,

"Of course not silly," She said earnestly.

And he loved what followed, what always came after she looked up at him,

"I never would," She breathed, her gleaming eyes soon straying down to her wedding band, lovingly eyeing the silver piece, " David, I loved you then..." she started sweetly, her gloved hands sliding up from his chest to his cheeks, " and I love you now..." she reminded him, rising up on her already heeled feet.

His paled blue eyes closed, his mouth melted onto hers before she brought him the tender heat of their plumped goodness.

His two hands then fell over her hips but didn't stop to land on them, instead, they slid around her, his arms taking complete hold of her during their loving connection in an embrace that spoke more than words ever could.

"I'll love you always," she managed to murmur between their mashed mouths.

A squeal of enjoyment left her as he squeezed her tightly within his arms, loving all the attention he fed her.

She lived for it; Blossoming beneath his rays of affection.

"David..." she said again, drawing back, her eyes brightened with a type of light he knew existed only when he stared at her, because the woman adored him, something he'd always found to be unbelievable, yet a bliss.

He'd gone days without the death stick, days which later turned into months, and finally years.

He'd gone the rest of his breathing days without so much a thinking of them, but not a single one of those passing dates did he resist her, always caving in to her, even in their darkest days.

By then he'd found out that there was something far more addicting than nicotine, and it was the sweet flavor of her lovely lips, the warmth of their tender press, and much more the dedication behind each one that she let graze him.

All in all, she became his one fixation, the one thing he couldn't ever dream of living without.

[bulundu]

Without gong into details and reasons, I found out this week that I have a vitamin D deficiency (among other things, but this is about the D). So the doc told me to start a certain dosage, and was happy to hear I had actually started that exact dosage myself around a month prior (bought some after my initial bloodwork). 

And I found myself thinking, wow. You know, for about a week before this appointment I thought it seemed like I’ve been in a better mood than I have been in months. Just genuinely happy for the first time since I honestly don’t remember when. Maybe that’s the vitamin D starting to kick in? And it’s giving a boost to my mood and mental health?

And that is still a possibility, I’m not ruling it out. 

... However.

I also realized that the timeframe of this happiness coincides with:

Hm. 

Hyperfixation-related joy vs vitamin supplements actually helping your body - who is the true hero?

It could actually be both lmao I don’t want to rule it out. But god, the realization was a little.. disheartening yet hilarious. Still, I’ll take any happiness life will give to my eager heart. So that’s ok.

[saucysamu]

Hi, I guess this is an emergency request. It’s totally fine if you can’t do it, I know these things can be a bit dark. So I relapsed into self harm again. After quite a long time actually. And it’s just very demoralizing, knowing that I’m back at the start and that just makes it that much harder to stay clean. Because I feel like a failure. I had an ex that was a jerk about it, so that just terrifies me to open up about it. So I can get really defensive, but I try not to be. It’s just a difficult thing for me to process, and I try my best to be mentally healthy, but sometimes that’s not exactly possible. Right now I’m just kind of emotionally done. So I guess maybe how Suna, Kita, Atsumu and maybe Bokuto would react with that. Idk what’s the limit of characters. If there’s a limit, just take out characters. I know it’s possible for me to be happy, it’s just getting there lol. I love flowers and watching bumble bees buzzing around. Wasps can F off tho 💀. Just gotta find things like that you know. Anyways, I hope you are doing well! And remember to prioritize your mental health always 💖✨. It’s really kind what you’re doing, but make sure not to get overwhelmed!!

Suna and Kita reacting to their s/o relapsing to sh

Warning: s*lfharm

part 2: Bokuto and Atsumu reacting to their s/o relapsing to sh : coming soon

Suna

Ngl it took him off guard but at the same time it didn’t ?

you never told him out of embarrassment, fearing rejection if you did tell him

after dating for a while you were doing alright so you didn’t feel the need to tell him I mean, that was in the past…right?

don’t think he never noticed your scars, even if they faded in color, he isn’t dumb 

he never brought it up in a conversation though — for one because he didn’t know how,  and secondly he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. If you wanted to talk about it you just would have done so, at least he thinks that.

so when he discovers fresh scars he just freezes

he feels kinda nauseous not knowing what to do tbh

you’re his only breaking point - his sarcastic, cold demeanor only lasting until something happens to you. 

you can’t think of a single time you ever saw him so vulnerable - just like he never saw you like that

it was probably in a casual moment when he noticed - like you grabbing something from the top shelf and your sleeve rolling down

both of your hearts drop, making you put your sleeve into position again, avoiding his gaze. After it took him some seconds to find his composure again he slowly makes his way to you and gently grabs one side of your cheek to press the side of your face against his chest. He repeatedly kisses the top of your head gently while his beating heart eases the lump in your throat. With his other hand he reaches out for your fingers to intertwine them lazily, rubbing the palm with his thumb.

he keeps quiet, being scared of saying anything to upset you. He doesn’t need to though, you just feel that you’re safe with him.

you both are each others home, you know that and he knows too. No matter how stone cold he seems to others, you know he’s in fact the opposite

you sigh shakingly, muttering an apology since guilt overpowers you now

he clicks his tongue and shakes his head while pulling you closer 

  I’m sorry I didn’t notice.. I should have paid more attention.

Suna was never the type to understand why someone would hurt themselves. It didn’t solve the problem, it made him frown. He never left disgusting remarks though - he just didn’t get it, or he didn’t care enough. And no one around him has ever done that so why should he care? But people have their reasons right? Well if it wasn’t for you he still wouldn’t know what it meant to doubt yourself but having no strength to do anything about it. What it meant to never feel good enough. What it meant to lose desire and joy in everything. Thanks to you he developed some kind of empathy, flipping a switch in his mind. He’s become more patient and understanding, making you unable to comprehend how his piercing eyes can look so gentle when you meet his gaze. Before him, all you’ve known was people blaming you for how you felt — and how you coped. But he’s never blamed you once. And why would he? He’d gain nothing from making you feel worse, he’s aware of this much. He isn’t obvious about it, never even talked to his friends about it to protect you, but also to protect himself. He’d honestly rather avoid things that make him seem weak and vulnerable. Suna’s just not someone who likes to admit weakness. If the others knew how soft he could be for his significant other, they would never, and I mean NEVER, let him live down on that. Too bad you got him wrapped around your finger - in every way possible. Cause despite not knowing how to deal with..specific situations, he just pulls you into a hug. For as long as it needs to last, neither of you care how long you keep hugging in the middle of a room. Or a hallway. Or a mall. He couldn’t care less the only thing that matters is to make you feel loved, valid. That’s his way of being there for you. Cradling in his scent and warmth, with lidded eyes you feel at home.

Kita 

he knows about your past, like who are we kidding he knows everything lmao

of course he knows, he’d want to know every little thing about you only if you’re comfortable tho like he wouldn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want to

idk I just think his trust would crack if you lied to him or hid something from him.

He’d rather have you tell him you don’t want to talk about it than just blatantly lie to him

talking it out,, a lot of talking

but it’s okay because it never felt like Kita would judge you in any way

he’s so attentive when he listens to you, he never misses ANYTHING and also remembers the smallest details about you

you can be sure that he’s the best support system, he’s patient, gentle and just overall willing to help, giving alternatives etc.

so damn proud of you for fighting

it’s been a while since you’ve done anything to yourself so when you relapse you don’t know how to face him without feeling guilty,,

you don’t even need to say it out loud, your behavior gives away what’s happened 

he sighs and frowns apologetically, reaching out for your hands

his thumbs stroking softly over your fingers

“May I..?“ He glances to where you hurt yourself. Insecure about your prior action you bite the inside of your cheek. “It’s not that bad anyway..“ You try to talk your way out of it and notice the way his eyebrow twitches in displeasure at your choice of words. “Sorry..“ You say awkwardly as you give in to his touch. Kita brushes up the fabric covering your wounds to take a closer look. You watch his every move as he closes his eyes for a moment, sighing. “Come with me.“ he nods in the direction of your bathroom, making you sit down on the toilet as you get there. Never on earth would you have ever thought you’d witness someone taking care of you so deliberately. Why were you that scared again? You sigh out in relief, earning a confused look of your boyfriend. It wouldn’t stop him though, the only thing he’d do would probably be pulling a grimace whenever you inhaled sharply at the stinging disinfectant. He’s still kneeling in front of you, doesn’t even hesitate to look at you directly before he gets up to cup your face, placing a light kiss on your lips. Picking you up, he carries you to the living room, letting you down on the sofa. “Wait here“ - he left the room as soon as the words left his mouth, only for him to come back with some plushies, blankets and pillows. Bet you’re gonna spend the rest of the day on the sofa, not that you’d complain. However, you end up cuddled up with dozens of plushies around you, the side of your head resting on Kitas chest. You talk and you talk and you talk, until there’s nothing left to say. Don’t think he didn’t notice the way you’re dragging yourself down because of that. He furrows his brows and after some silence he lightly pushes your chin up to make you look at him. “You know I’m not mad at you right?“ You feel your eyes burn at the sincerity of his words. He breathes out a laugh and places kisses all over your face. “You know that relapsing is part of healing and improving right?“ He kisses you all over again. “And you know that healing isn’t a straight-lined process right?“ Man you can barely bite back your tears anymore. If some out stander would have watched the whole scene, they probably would have been shocked at the way Kita started chuckling wholeheartedly. He almost felt sorry - but he wasn’t laughing at you - he just couldn’t help it, you looked too adorable. ”You’ll be just fine, I know you will and I’ll be the one to watch you bloom.“

Hey anon!

I’m sorry it’s taking me way too long to respond but I’m grateful you’re understanding so thank you for your patience.🥺

Don’t be confused as to why I only wrote for Suna and Kita for now, I’ll plan on doing another part for Bokuto and Atsumu! I hope reading that lifted your mood and that you’re doing better now.🥺 take care and stay strong 💖

[ofpaperhearts]

▷  currently  playing  ——  THE FAÇADE  a playlist for Elliot King. n. a false appearance that makes someone or something seem more pleasant or better than they really are.

!! anxiety & depression tw throughout playlist !!

obnoxiously long tracklist & descriptions that may or may not make sense under the cut!

▷  currently  playing  ——  TWO  by  SLEEPING AT LAST.

it’s okay if you can’t catch your breath // you can take the oxygen straight out of my own chest // i know exactly how the rule goes: // put my mask on first // no, i don’t want to talk about myself // tell me where it hurts // i just want to build you up, build you up // ‘til you’re good as new // and maybe one day i’ll get around to fixing myself too

Okay, so there’s not a doubt in my mind that Elliot’s an enneagram type two, which is what this song is all about. The entire song really captures how he wants to take care of others and give his love to them, and then if there happens to be anything left, he’ll take care of himself, but it’s not a priority.

▷  currently  playing  ——  BEAUTIFUL LIGHT  by  UPPERMOST.

I don’t fully know how to describe it, but this song just makes me feel upbeat and hopeful and I feel like those are the types of vibes that Elliot tries to put out into the world. This is a song that works very well for him when simply looking at him on the surface level.

▷  currently  playing  ——  I JUST WANNA SHINE  by  THE FITZ AND THE TANTRUMS.

so don’t give me dark days, i already had those // i’m just trying to figure out how to be myself right now // i don’t wanna lay low, hiding in the shadows // so i wake up, i get out of bed // stay up, stay out of my head

This song is probably more how Elliot perceives himself. Like despite having his own stresses and hardships, he still strives to make the most of his life and keep up and optimistic view.

▷  currently  playing  ——  MESS IS MINE  by  VANCE JOY.

bring me to your house // tell me, “sorry for the mess”, hey i don’t mind // you’re talking in your sleep, out of time // well, you still make sense to me, your mess is mine

This song just goes back to how he wants to give an receive love by taking care of others.

▷  currently  playing  ——  PLEASER  by  WALLOWS.

indecisive feelings of enjoyment // hold the thought, i think i need a moment // i’m aware there’s somethin�� i should tell you // but my voice annoys me // bite my tongue off with a smile // i can’t feel it anymore // ‘cause recently the line is blurred // between depression and bliss

This whole song is basically about being a people pleaser (which Elliot is to an unhealthy degree) and struggling to figure out to please someone (which is something that would cause Elliot a great deal of distress to be perfectly honest).

▷  currently  playing  ——  OH KLAHOMA  by  JACK STAUBER.

tears falling down at the party // saddest little baby in the room // fears, tell me fears, don’t get me started // i get a little grey hair for every scare you share

Honestly, Elliot could be either person in this song. For the most part Elliot would see himself as the person in this song that’s trying to console the other (possibly at the expense of their own mental health), but he could just as easily be the other person if he actually asked for help/comfort whenever he’s going through something.

▷  currently  playing  ——  HARD TIMES  by  PARAMORE.

all that i want // is to wake up fine // tell me that i’m alright // that i ain’t gonna die

Upbeat songs with sad lyrics just have an Elliot vibe to them. I think songs like this reflect that happy/put together front he puts on for everyone, even when he isn’t doing so great.

▷  currently  playing  ——  FAKE HAPPY  by  PARAMORE.

hey, if i smile with my teeth // bet you believe me // if i smile with my teeth // i think i believe me // oh please, don’t ask me how i’ve been // don’t make me pretend

Same reason Hard Times is on here. The lyrics definitely hammer the part of putting up a front for others home more.

▷  currently  playing  ——  WAY LESS SAD  by  AJR.

i’m a-okay, i’m a-okay // you say it but you just don’t mean it

I think the mix of putting up a front and trying to remain optimistic even in life’s harder moments just fits Elliot.

▷  currently  playing  ——  WONDERFUL LIFE  by  SMITH & BURROWS.

you know it feels unfair // there’s magic everywhere // look at me standing // here on my own again // up straight in the sunshine // no need to run and hide // it’s a wonderful, wonderful life // no need to laugh and cry // it’s a wonderful, wonderful life

There’s something about the softness of this song that just gives me Elliot vibes. But I think beyond that, it’s the mix of optimistic and pained lyrics that make me think of Elliot whenever I hear this song.

▷  currently  playing  ——  BLUE KNUCKLE  by  NIGHT BEDS.

i’ve been working like a surgeon // on some courage // lift my burden // i’ve been hurting // have you heard it

I just feel like the bits of this song that I relate to him scream, all the self-sacrificing I constantly do doesn’t make me as happy as I thought it would, but I’m not entirely sure how to change that without some help.

▷  currently  playing  ——  FREAKIN’ OUT ON THE INTERSTATE  by  BRISTON MARONEY.

i’m sorry i haven’t been myself // and something’s got me down // what it is, i cannot tell

1. He’s so concerned with others that I don’t think he necessarily knows how to pinpoint why something would bother him. 2. High anxiety hours.

▷  currently  playing  ——  FALSE CONFIDENCE  by  NOAH KAHAN.

and i wonder why i tear myself down to be built back up again // oh, i hope somehow, i’ll wake up young again // all that’s left of myself, holes in my false confidence

Themes of being hypercritical of oneself and insecurity which is something Elliot struggles a lot with under his surface level happiness.

▷  currently  playing  ——  COLD LOVE  by  RAINBOW KITTEN SURPRISE.

and if i cry in your arms // just some other shit, just some other shit // just some other things that i’ve been dealing with // i’d die in your arms, bury me while playing this // bury me saying “you were all i ever needed” // and hold me like we’re dying from liquor that we drank // in hotel rooms, to feel warm in cold love

Originally, I only wanted to include this song for the first part of the lyrics I put here because it’s the same dismissive attitude Elliot has when it comes to taking care of himself. But the more I thought about it, I think Elliot is the type of person to find himself in doomed relationships because the give and take is never equal resulting in ‘dying/cold’ loves.

▷  currently  playing  ——  ALMOST HOME  by  MXMTOON.

i was just a kid // dreams were looking big and then i had to grow up // no one ever says // all the love you give might not be enough // broke my heart in two a couple times // before it hurt too much // i was such fool

I feel like Elliot was a relatively carefree child before becoming increasingly more and more concerned with how others saw him and feel like that’s kind of reflected in this song? Like growing is usually very different from how one imagines it when they’re a kid.

▷  currently  playing  ——  MELODY X  by  BONAPARTE.

you keep the light on // you keep the light on // you keep the night light on // hold your broken dream up high // oh, you know you try // oh, you know you try // it’s the worst case scenario lullaby // something’s gotta change (something’s gotta change)

Another song acknowledging how hecking hard life is and trying to remain hopeful in spite of it with a hint of being aware that something needs to change in Elliot’s life for him to really be happy.

▷  currently  playing  ——  NO ID  by  ANDREW APPLEPIE.

and suddenly you realize // that everything you’d ever told yourself were lies // and believe me i can sympathize // cause everything i ever thought i was made me cry

Overall, this song is about self-acceptance and growth, which is something Elliot is still working on. And it’s more so on here as Elliot being the person the singer is watching struggle with these things.

▷  currently  playing  ——  PRETENDER - ACOUSTIC  by  AJR.

i’m a good pretender // won’t you come see my show? // i got lots of problems // well, good thing nobody knows // oh, i’m insecure, i’m insecure // i think i like what i’m supposed to // like what i’m supposed to

Back on that putting up a front for everyone else because he thinks that’s for the better/expected of him bs!

▷  currently  playing  ——  BRAIN, BRAIN, GO AWAY  by  UNLIKE PLUTO.

through the night my mind is racing // my inner voice and i debating // on everything i should be changing // can’t decide so i keep maintaining // i gotta contain my overactive mind

This song is on here because big anxiety hours and how truly exhausting it is to deal with.

▷  currently  playing  ——  MIND IS A PRISON  by  ALEC BENJAMIN.

sometimes, i think too much, yeah, i get so caught up // i’m always stuck in my head // i wish i could escape, i tried to yesterday alone with my thoughts again // guess my mind is a prison and i’m never gonna get out

Same exact reason why Brain, Brain, Go Away is on his playlist.

▷  currently  playing  ——  NUMB  by  MARINA.

i can’t open up and cry //  ‘cause i’ve been silent all my life // i feel numb most of the time // lower i get, higher // i’ll climb, and i will wonder why // i got dark only to // shine, looking for the golden light // oh, it’s a reasonable sacrifice

One of the main reasons this song is included is because of a comment made on the lyric ‘oh, it’s a reasonable sacrifice’ and how in this song it seems to imply sacrificing one’s well-being to impress others is fine and if that’s not Elliot’s biggest mood than I don’t know what is. But in addition to that, a lot of the other lyrics touch on internal struggles he deals with and trying to overcome them.

▷  currently  playing  ——  NOBODY  by  MITSKI.

and i don’t want your pity // i just want somebody near me // guess i’m a coward // i just want to feel alright // and i know no one will save me

1. This is the type of song that sounds like “ooooo fun” but then you listen to the lyrics and it’s like “BOOM SADNESS” which is kind of Elliot’s song aesthetic if that makes sense? 2. Despite having people in his life that he’s close to, life can still feel very isolating when he’s not open about everything he has going on. 3. This song is an enneagram type two’s biggest fear so it just makes sense being here.

▷  currently  playing  ——  IT’S CALLED: FREEFALL  by  RAINBOW KITTEN SURPRISE.

called to the devil and the devil said, “hey! why you been calling so late? it’s like 2am and the bars all close at 10 in hell, that’s a rule i made” // anyway, you say you’re too busy saving everybody else to save yourself // and you don’t want no help, oh well

More on the idea that life can be very isolating when you struggle in silence and Elliot’s “gotta help everyone else over myself” mentality.

▷  currently  playing  ——  MINDLESS BLISS  by  UNLIKE PLUTO.

always staying up to the sunrise // i can barely close my eyes // all i’m looking for is a good night // just for one night, just for one night // but i am wide awake, surviving day to day // i’m half alive in my own way // and i’m struggling with all the carrying

More big themes of anxiety and struggling with it.

▷  currently  playing  ——  WAVES  by  DEAN LEWIS.

and it takes control of the person that i thought i was // the boy i used to know // but there is a light in the dark // and i feel it’s warmth // in my heart, in my hands // but why can’t i hold on?

Life’s always changing for better or worse and growing up you can think life is going to be one way just for it to be something completely different and I think Elliot can relate to that sentiment a lot.

▷  currently  playing  ——  KEEP  by  MOTHER MOTHER.

i write it down, but to read it doesn’t work // take it to town, but to be seen doesn’t work // smack it around, but that only make it worse // i make it worse // i meditate for a day, but it doesn’t help // get down and pray, i gotta say, what a living hell // i could escape but i know that all too well // it doesn’t help

Wanting to cope with things, but struggling to do so in a way that works which is a big Elliot mood.

▷  currently  playing  ——  DON’T WORRY, YOU WILL  by  LOVELYTHEBAND.

trying to stay positive // not an easy way to live // laugh right through the pain // she said i can’t find a thing i don’t like about you // and i’m like don’t worry, you will

More themes of being hypercritical of oneself, silently struggling, and putting up a charade to get others to like you or to please them.

▷  currently  playing  ——  GOODBYE  by  BO BURNHAM.

am i right back where i started fourteen years ago? // wanna guess the ending? if it ever does // i swear to god that all i’ve ever wanted was // a little bit of everything all of the time well, well, look who’s inside again // went out to look for a reason to hide again // well, well, buddy, you found it

Full disclosure, I only know this song from TikTok. But anyway! I just felt like the lyrics in the last bit of the song were super fitting: the fear of being back right back where he started before he got a little better at putting himself first, struggling to balance everything he wants/needs, dismissing his problems in favor or something lighthearted like a joke, looking for reasons to keep things to himself, etc.

[anghraine]

I was looking at my AO3 page, and ... I have a pretty jumbled mix of feelings about what I’ve written, honestly.

I don’t expect many people to care, but going with the top 11:

1. Season of Courtship (Austen): I wrote it at 19 alongside The Rich Are Always Respectable, alternating on a schedule, in fits of depression and mania. A few years later (in a better frame of mind), I revised it—some sections quite substantially. I’m glad people like it but feel kind of weird about it being The One.

2. per ardua ad astra (Star Wars): I wrote this in a haze of Rogue One feelings between early 2017 and mid-2018. I was dealing with some mental health issues, but not 2005 hell, and it helped with them. I feel vaguely bad about the perpetually unfinished half of a chapter on my Drive, but I am fond of the fic generally.

3. But Thou Didst Not Leave His Soul In Hell (Star Wars): I was listening to The Messiah and had the idea of a bunch of short SW fics set to various lyrics; this is one of them. It was a strange but fun project and super soothing after Austen fandom, so it’s nice to see such a short thing up here.

4. we get dark, only to shine (The Borgias): I wrote this during my MA, and the academic and fic research crossed over heavily, which made both easier. I’d finally gotten diagnosed as bipolar and put on mood stabilizers, I was getting A’s in everything, and its fandom was the absolute nicest I’ve ever been in. Best fandom experience bar none.

5. tolerably well acquainted (Austen): I had some P&P feelings and started self-indulgent drawer fic that just kind of grew. Slowly. Very slowly. But eventually it reached the point where I decided to post what I had, and ... it’s still ongoing.

6. Contradictions and Varieties (Austen): this comes from my better Austen fandom days. There was a prompt at Firthness and the first half of the fic was my fill for it, and then I tacked on an ending later. I feel like the division is very obvious and it’s pretty uneven, so I’m kind of meh about it.

7. Anomaly (Austen): the ace!Darcy fic, inspired by the ace manifestos community on Dreamwidth. I thought of actually writing a manifesto for him, and then just wrote fic instead. It’s not my best fic, but it is my precious child and every nice comment warms my heart to this day.

8. Ten Facts About Harry Potter (Harry Potter): my take on Slytherin!Harry, something I’ve always deeply loved in concept and very rarely in execution. It’s ... eh.

9. First Impressions (Austen): also not my best fic, but I planned it for a year and then wrote it for a big bang, and it largely turned out the way I wanted it to turn out. That doesn’t often happen! And I had friends who were super encouraging the whole time, and was in a good place mentally, and ... it was a joy, really. 

10. The Talk (Austen): It sure exists. (More seriously, it’s not really “me” and feels very remote.)

11. Redemption (Star Wars): this was my first SW fic ever and I shoved a lot of my ambivalence about ROTJ and the PT into it while trying to stay away from fix-fic implications. It was really fun to write for a new fandom, so I just did whatever popped into my head, and ... it doesn’t bother me, since I had such a good time writing it, but in retrospect it’s a strange little thing.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ur-jinji]

Could you maybe share your angsty playlist 🥺

okay okay i’m not gonna make my playlist public but i will tell you a bunch of my favorite songs off of my “feel something” angst playlist & explain the way they make me feel. i know you did not ask for that but i need to vocalize it. maybe in the future i can make spotify playlists if anyone’s interested? mine are unorganized so eh don’t wanna share lmao but anyway, here you go 😘 sorry this post is long i just love music

asleep // the smiths

literally if you hear me listening to this, i’m having a depressive episode. it’s about wanting to pass away and telling people not to feel bad lmao beautiful song tho

the background // third eye blind

amazing. heart wrenching. about being alone after someone leaves you. VERY good song. tears.

bloodstream // stateless

amazing music. love the chorus. i interpret it as being so in love with someone that theyre a part of you

brain damage // pink floyd

amazing. about going crazy. love dark side of the moon. best song on that album is “any colour you like” it’s entirely instrumental and gives me chills. it’s a feel something song for me but maybe not for others

breaking down // florence + the machine

please listen to the mtv unplugged version. ABOUT BREAKING DOWN. amazing.

bubble gum // clairo

i think it’s about regretting not reciprocating feelings for someone. chills. love. puts me in a mood instantly.

chamber of my reflection // mac demarco

BEAUTIFUL. dislike him but his music is really good. about being alone

come back to earth // mac miller

“i just need a way out of my head” god gives me chills. i love mac miller. i miss him everyday.

demolition lovers // my chemical romance

beautiful music. amazing. about two lovers who would die for each other. huge, super emotional build up, then the most beautiful music ever.

a different age // current joys

just good. good angst.

early sunsets over monroeville // mcr

AMAZING. HUGE EMOTIONAL BUILD UP AT THE END. END SO HAUNTINGLY

edition // rex orange county

BEAUTIFUL. about a couple going through some shit

free as a bird // the beatles

AMAZING. one of the best songs on this planet. it’s about a couple and the guy doesn’t really know where it all went wrong

friends // vacations

about drifting away from someone. so beautiful. CHILLS.

goodbye // the vines

fuckinv beautiful. about longing for someone and saying goodbye to them. first song i learned by myself to play on guitar

good news // mac miller

about being hella depressed and how people only want to hear the good stuff. they ain’t like ya when you’re down. gr8

halah // mazzy star

it’s about missin someone. chills. love it.

i cant handle change // roar

about not being good enough. beautiful fucking song like holy shit. but if you hear me listening to this god ask if i’m okay bc i’m not. best build up for any song in the world

i love you so // the walters

god amazing. about loving someone but you’re not good for each other

jesus christ // brand new

it’s haunting. amazing. i think it’s about dying.

life // the walters

it’s about life movin real slow. it’s a really beautiful song. love it.

married with children // oasis

god i love this song. it’s about being annoyed with your partner but at the end of the day, you love them so much you always come back. makes me cry bc relatable

moonlight on the river // mac demarco

love. it’s about dying i think lmao or maybe a relationship dying?

necromancer // joy again

literally such a pretty, chill song. feels really raw. it’s about loving someone so much but i don’t know if she feels the same way

numb // men i trust

fucking beautiful shit. so chill. about being numb lol

show me how // men i trust

gr8. it’s about wanting to be shown that the person you like cares about you but it ain’t workin

sullen girl // fiona apple

beautiful. raw. about being a sad bitch

under control // the strokes

fav strokes song. amazing. i think it’s about wanting to change someone but knowing you shouldn’t

waiting room // red orange county

fucking beautiful. it’s about someone you love dying :( it’s really sad honestly

where is my mind // the pixies

GREAT. about doing drugs & your mental state aint good

wish you were here // pink floyd

it about wishin someone was there duh it’s a really good song tho

worldstar money // joji

feels really raw. it’s about battling with your issues and wanting someone to be there for you still

now

for the final song. the one that is so fucking emotional for me.

young // vacations

i don’t know what it is about this song but it sucks any remaining serotonin out of my body instantly. the music is so beautiful. it’s about struggling with mental health i think. just wonderful.

that’s just some of my angst music 🙂 i have a lot more. these were the ones i felt like were worth noting lmao

[onceuponawildflower]

Are you an empath or a high sensitive person? If so, do you have any advice on how to deal especially in our current crazy world?

I am a highly sensitive person, and I have been having a hard time recently. I don’t like to vocalize it much bc I feel shame feeling overwhelmed, bc who needs another white person complaining about their problems? Or so I feel that’s how it would be seen.

I recently started going to see a cognitive therapist, and it has helped a lot already. Just knowing I have someone who will listen to me and let me vocalize everything I need to tell someone is very helpful. They’re also good at helping me find ways to manage the influx of emotions and thoughts constantly coming into my head. Their number one suggestion currently is nature therapy. May sounds simple, but nature is really healing and meditative. That’s another thing -- meditating. I’ve picked it up again. It helps calm me down.

I also think it’s important to dedicate yourself to one of your crafts. I am someone who attempts to dedicate themselves too many crafts at the same time, gets overwhelmed, stops everything, and then tries again. I’ve dedicated myself to one thing - language learning- and decided that’s what I’m going to prioritize. That doesn’t mean I don’t still make art and play music or craft and make potions, it’s just that I don’t hold myself to doing all of those things simultaneously. It feels freeing and I’m not as hard on myself as normal. But that might just be a me thing. It’s good to have a hobby and dabble in it regularly, but to not hold yourself to high standards about doing the things that bring you joy, bc otherwise they become a chore. 

As a general mood - have patience with yourself.

I’m also reading more. I read books that help bring me insight without overwhelming me. This is not me ignoring the situations we’re in, this is me taking care of my mental health, prioritizing that so that I can more readily help others when I have a firmer grasp on my anxiety/sensitivity. 

I recently have begun giving to one nonprofit every month, and recently they have been black-led black-centered nonprofits. I’m not able to do crowds and lots of energy/yelling/anger right now, and I honestly don’t know how or when I will ever be able to, but I can help in other ways. I’d rather give some of my paycheck directly to diverse nonprofits and let them manage the funds how they wish than partake in other forms of direct action. I think it’s a common misconception that if you don’t have a toe in every form of activism, you’re a bad activist. I don’t think that’s true at all, and I think it actually does a lot more harm than good, not to mention how it alienates those who want to help but can’t do everything for one reason or another (and there are many reasons). 

Do what you can, how you feel comfortable doing it. Altruism and activism take on many faces. But remember your heart work, your mind work. Empty vessels can’t pour over into others.

Hope that helps a bit <3

[hellishvu]

Imagine BTS: when you are sad and they try to cheer you up

— i feel like we all need a cheer up post like this. we all go through a lot and we all deserve to talk to someone when we are feeling sad or depressed. please contact someone or a hotline if you ever need to talk to someone. you can even tell me in my asks if you want, i am here to listen and know that you are heard. school is coming for some of you and know that your health should not be under your grades. keep drinking water, sleeping, and eating. i love you all and thank you for 360 followers <3

Kim Namjoon: ˚✧₊⁎

Namjoon always is aware of things, when someone close to him has a bad day Namjoon is one of the first people to say something to them. So when you do have one of those bad days he still gets nervous.

Bothering you made him afraid and you seemed so isolating and scary sometimes when you had those bad days but Namjoon knew you were just vulnerable. He would check on you by looking, between writing or cooking he would pop his head out seeing if you were still sad or doing worse.

He had a tough time sometimes reading you, seeing you lay on the couch staring at the blank ceiling and other times you would try one of your hobbies but grunt in frustration because they didn’t give you that spark anymore. It was eating you alive whatever was wrong, it had you in its grip almost like it was controlling you.

‘I should do something. Just do anything.’ Namjoon thinks when he sees that giving you personal space was not the solution to your problem. It wasn’t making you feel better it made you feel alone, that Namjoon was getting tired of these sad days you had.

“Hey... muffin are you okay?” Namjoon says siting next to you on the couch. Smiling that he is talking to you, that he wants to listen.

“I’m here for you. Anytime you want to talk, just know that you’re so amazing. So wonderful that it blows my mind that I wake up and be with you. That fate gave me something I never want to lose.” Namjoon looks up to you seeing his eyes glistening, smiling.

Kim Seokjin: ˚✧₊⁎

Seokjin can be serious sometimes but he always finds that comedy is the best medicine if you do it right. Other times people can just be insensitive or try to pull something from their ass to make someone feel better but Seokjin knows you. He understand you more than any other person.

Bringing up memories was one of the many fun ways to bring some joy. Remind you of the good times, and get a nice walk through memory lane. So Seokjin made a box really it was just a shoe box from one of his personal buys. The box was filled of photos to tickets. Even has his own little photo album on his phone.

“Look I even got a screenshot of you thirsting over me.” Seokjin shows you the photo, you noticed that the photo had hearts all over it. They were drawn on the day he screenshotted before you two even started dating. It couldn’t help but get a giggle out of you.

“You’re the one that slid into my dms. Where’s that screenshot?” You ask leaning on his shoulder. Seokjin laughs resting his head on yours. Sliding through the photos of the awkward flirting and the more awkward first couple dates.

“Did you get the photo of when you told me you were an idol? My face was priceless.”

“I did. It’s actually my contact photo for you.” Seokjin snickers seeing you raise your head him showing you it’s true. That every time you call him your shocked face will cover his entire screen. Great.

Min Yoongi: ˚✧₊⁎

Yoongi knows how it is when your mind decides to attack you. How scary it feels when it feels like your own brain and thoughts are against you. He does everything just to make sure you know you don’t have to go through this alone.

Letting you get rest or joins you in your own little hobbies. He supported you and was there every step of the way. Yoongi was so real, he told you how it was and gave you talks of how he used to and still handles these thoughts.

You two usually get take out from both of you being too sleepy to cook, wouldn’t want the house to catch on fire but today was different. Yoongi bought the ingredients of one of your favorite dishes.

From your recent nap you stood up wrapping the blanket around you seeing him cooking. Yoongi mutiltasking of the many things, smoothie on one side of the kitchen while the other he's cooking that delicious meal you crave almost everyday.

“Hun can you set up the plates?” Yoongi asks seeing the meal was almost ready to serve. You smiled giving him a kiss on the cheek grabbing the plates, you were honestly blessed and Yoongi made sure you knew you were loved by him and many.

Eating with him was nice, he asked how you were. If you needed anything and the answer was always “You’re all I need.”

Jung Hoseok: ˚✧₊⁎

Hoseok knows how hard it is to keep the smiling face. How many times you felt like giving in and just having a mental breakdown right then and there but you never did, you always kept that strong face on.

Stern you were, beyond a wildest dream. Hoseok one night comes home a little more late. You were used to it of course because of his career and you never asked him to change his dream for you. You never planned to.

When Hoseok walks pass the living room, setting his bag on the couch dragging his feet across the hallway to the bedroom wanting to cuddle against you. Opening the door he suddenly stopped in his tracks the sounds of crying was heard.

“Oh no honey.” Hoseok pleads out getting to your side immediately, you trying to clean your face before looking at him. He wips the new tears coming down your face.

“What is wrong?” Hoseok asks you turning your body to him, laughing a little because he still has his work clothes on.

“Just dumb brain feelings.” You whisper out your voice croaky due to the crying. Hoseok places your head into his chest reaching for his phone. He made a playlist just these occasions, where your brain decides to load a bunch of sad emotions on you.

“I’ll be with you forever.” Hoseok whispers closing his eyes enjoying your heartbeats start to beat together.

Park Jimin: ˚✧₊⁎

Jimin is compassionate, so he always puts you first. Never in a second of his life that he would think of leaving you alone when you needed him the most. He always promised the company that he will know the choreography like the back of his hand when he comes back. Singing was taken care of because the sweetheart would always sing to you.

“Is it one of those days?” Jimin asks when you weren’t eating. The warning signs of the soon coming storm of thoughts.

Jimin got off the phone with his company giving you a bear hug. You felt bad that he takes time off for you but he always swore that it was no big deal, that armys would understand and the members would also. When you felt like just giving up just wanting to let your brain swallow you alive, you always looked at him. He never left you, not when you were the worst you’ve been or the mild cases.

“Just hold me.” You whisper at him and you staying in the same position for a while in the kitchen. Hearing his breathing at a calm pace made yours too. Jimin’s actions spoke volumes, that every time he said that he loves you. Jimin meant it with every fiber in his being, you being completely thankful.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Jimin repeats himself kissing your cheek seeing you start to form a small smile. That was progress, progress that you should be proud of.

Kim Taehyung: ˚✧₊⁎

Taehyung knew what to do, whether you didn’t want to talk about or you told him everything from the smallest problem to big issue that ate at you everyday. He was there for you through thick and thing, so when on this picticular day Taehyung knew something was wrong. He sensed it the moment he woke up.

Seeing you spacing out while eating breakfast with him, till he offers you to sit on the couch with him. Laying on top of his lap, Taehyung looking down wearing his glasses.

“You’re pretty.” Taehyung smiles seeing you roll your eyes. He brushes your cheek grabbing the book near the shelve.

“I know you’re having a bad day but you know we get to progress in the book.” The book was something Taehyung suggested. One of his favorite books of all time, the story of life being a complete rollercoaster. The characters going through all sorts of problems some you relate and others you’re amazed of how they power through.

You nod seeing Taehyung open the book the bookmark of a cute little bear, carefully placing it on the side of couch. Reading the first words, Taehyung was always an amazing story teller. Through his voice he does all the characteristics of the characters. When the plot grew tense he would changed his voice, the fantasy world you got sucked into disappearing from your own world.

Sometimes you two would stay like this for hours. Taehyung drinking his tea between chapters giving his voice a break asking you if you were ready to share what was wrong. Other times you nodded and spilled, Taehyung holding your hand on top of your thigh while others you didn’t spill him continuing to read the pages.

Jeon Jungkook: ˚✧₊⁎

Jungkook was a gym rat, that’s one of the many reasons why you love him so much. He loves to just push his body to the limit. So when he wakes up one morning hearing you have those sad moments in the morning he would wrap you close to him.

He took the chance of the beginning of the day to try to save the rest of the day. Jungkook didn’t want you to stay inside and burry yourself in your sorrows. He wanted you outside and even if you didn’t like the idea at first you tried because of him.

Depending on the mood you had, sometimes you two would go on easy trails to more difficult ones. The first couple times they were more easy trails but the fact you trusted him enough to do this with him. It spoke volumes, it made his heart warm slowly seeing you breathing in the fresh air, looking at nature, and having the sun hit you.

During the hike he would compliment you, saying things like “Wow you are doing so good!” and “My champ! These trails got nothing on you!” Always making you smiling like a idiot. On the way up you two would talk, sharing the struggles and experiences.

You always learn something new about Jungkook taking the hikes plus getting to kiss him at the top of a beautiful view was also a bonus.

[streamacademe]

Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies.  So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post. 

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about. 

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such. 

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days,  refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic. 

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going. 

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to  looking after yourself and avoiding burnout. 

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm. 

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s. 

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all. 

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times. 

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night. 

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD. 

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be. 

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off  the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in. 

How I try to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work. 

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately. 

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back. 

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia. 

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone). 

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.  

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace. 

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

[binnie-binnie-bambam]

where I’ve been...?

hey. I feel like I owe y’all an explanation as to where I’ve been for the last 3 months. but imma put it the whole big detailed story under the cut just in case y’all don’t care haha and coz I don’t wanna clog up people’s feed with my incessant rambling.

TL;DR: I’ve been through 3 months of mental hell and that took a big toll on everything, including my love of a lot of things, so I’ve been struggling but I’m gonna try to be on here more and I’m sorry for being away for so long and not saying anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has tagged me in things and sent me messages during this time, I have seen it, I promise, even if I haven’t been in the right headspace to respond, you have made this time even just a bit more bearable, and for that I thank you greatly.

so yeah, things have been rough to say the least. I want to explain what’s been going on because I’ve always been pretty open on here and I know a lot of other people struggle with the same things so I don’t feel so alone. basically, I’ve fallen into another awful depression. I’ve lost my passion and drive and desire, I’ve lost the ability to find joy in things, I have no interest in hardly anything at all, I’m just not...me...right now.

I mean, my whole summer was crazy busy because I was spending almost all of my time doing wedding prep for my best friend/cousin’s wedding so I really didn’t have much time for myself and if I did, I was too exhausted to do anything I wanted to do. that’s when my partial inactivity started. I also started to see a new psychiatrist over the summer and he started me on new meds around August. since August, over a span of ~5 months, I’ve been on and off 6+ new meds, being treated for severe anxiety, panic attacks that resurfaced after being free of them for over 4 years, severe depression, ADHD, and trying different things to see if I had bipolar, as well as having a heart condition, thyroid issues, and fibromyalgia all going haywire.

I was pretty much ok through September, aside from some not so fun side effects that got me on and off 3 new meds in that month alone. like my mood and motivation and everything was fine, we had the engagement party and bachelorette party at the beginning of the month, I got to spend a bunch of time with the guy I have a (stupid) crush on, I was busy, things were going pretty great, honestly. but October rolled around. the first half wasn’t so bad, we had a girls’ trip for a weekend sort of as a last hoorah before my best friend got hitched and that was a lot of fun and I’m super thankful I was able to go, especially since I originally thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it due to family circumstances.

and wedding prep continued on, until I was driving over to my aunt’s house for the last day of prep and things started to hit me. my aunt and I got really close this past year and this was the last time I was spending with her for a long time, like sure we see each other once in a while but I was going over there and going shopping with her and doing all sorts of stuff multiple times a week and I think I just got scared of the idea that I was facing a new normal all over again when my normal had already changed so drastically at the beginning of last year. and also the fact that my best friend was getting married and moving an hour away when she used to be 10 minutes away and I saw her all the time. like we had the rehearsal dinner the Sunday before the wedding and my oldest cousin made this speech (because she knew she’d be sobbing too much to actually make it at the wedding) and she talked about us three girls as kids growing up and all this stuff about my best friend and how perfect her fiance was for her and it was just all really sobering I guess?

and I spent a lot of nights that week writing and rewriting a letter to the couple and I definitely spent most of that time sobbing over everything and sometime that week my mood just plummeted. my dad got /really/ concerned because the change in me was /so/ drastic but there wasn’t much we could do with only a few days until the wedding so we just hoped for the best and waited till my appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the next step. I ended up getting a migraine at the wedding (I know it was from stress and from being so upset) so I couldn’t have a good time like I wanted to and I knew I’d regret it and I definitely regret it but I can’t change anything now. I got to hug the bride and groom goodbye just as they were leaving and I’ve never struggled so hard trying not to cry, which I mean, my best friend was sooo close to becoming a sobbing mess hugging me too, and the groom, well he was a blubbering mess (he’s a very emotional dude, all three of us have sobbed watching movies together, we’re a sight lmao) so I didn’t feel too strange haha. but it was a really weird feeling and it was really hard to sleep at the hotel that night. we drove home in the rain the next morning and did absolutely nothing the entire day.

then the news hit about Woojin and I spent my Monday night quite literally sobbing myself to sleep. at that time, I was still pretty new to skz but it still hurt like hell and I know my depression warped the emotions out of proportion but it was still so incredibly painful. but nothing could prepare me for the news about Wonho. nothing. I was already so deep into my depression and that just, I still don’t even have words. something hasn’t hit me that hard in I don’t even know how long. I couldn’t even cry, it took me over 2 months to cry about it because it just hurt too much. I still can’t listen to any of their music, I can’t even see photos of them without bursting into tears, and I’m ashamed at myself for being so attached to something that I react this badly, but even more so, I’m upset with myself that I can’t support them when they need it most because it causes me so much physical and emotional pain I just can’t deal with it. I’m not giving up on them, god no, I know it probably sounds like I am, but I swear I’m not. I love them way too much for that. it’s not even possible to describe how much mx and Wonho mean to me, I’m not giving up on them, I’m just handling things in my own way at my own pace, I guess.

from then on, things just spiraled out of control. on and off more meds, more and more problems arose, I really felt like I could not keep my head above water. and on top of it, I had the 7th anniversary of my grandma’s death in early November and the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death in early December and to say the least, that did not have the best effect on my mental health. it’s been 3 months of pretty much hell. I genuinely have /no/ interest in things I used to do, none of my hobbies, everything, and I mean everything, is a chore. it’s still like this. but I’m trying to do more to fix it. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I just spent 6 weeks getting another med out of my system so hopefully when I see him, he’ll try something new and we’ll actually make progress instead of taking 2 steps forward and 8 steps back. I haven’t lost hope yet.

there’s been many, many times in these past few months where I’ve felt like I’ve already hit rock bottom and I’m just waiting for the final blow to finish me off. but, if I’m being completely honest, what’s kept me going has been my really close friends on here that have stuck with me this whole time and my love for kpop which thankfully, god thank you, hasn’t diminished whatsoever despite everything. I can confidently say, I wouldn’t still be here without my friends, you know who you are my loves. y’all keep my world turning and no matter how painful it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t have made it this far, I wouldn’t want to keep going, I wouldn’t owe my life to you guys, so thank you, more than words can express. I love you all to the moon and back. and then some.

so this has just been paragraphs upon paragraphs of me rambling so I really don’t know why you would’ve stayed and read the whole damn thing, but if you did, thank you, I feel a lot better getting things off my chest. and this isn’t to say I’m back completely, I can’t guarantee how active I’ll actually be, but I’ll do my best to spend some more time on here because I genuinely do miss this place and all the amazing people in it. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, especially without any real explanation. I’m going to do my best to rediscover my love for things, I may have lost it for a time, but it’s not gone completely.

~

until next time, this has been “aly won’t shut up”. thank you and goodnight, I love y’all