#for me personally it is a story about fucked up grief
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Not my Logan (1)
Summary: Problems with the Multiverse suck. Even more when it brings someone back who has been long gone.
Pairing: Worst Wolverine x Immortal!Reader, Deadpool x Reader (platonic or not. You know him.)
Warnings: angst, language, mentions of loss of loved ones, grief, cocky reader, Deadpool being a pain in the ass, violence, mentions of killings, multiverse chaos, world building
A/N: For my story, all X-Men died, except for the reader. She lives in the same universe as Deadpool from DP & Wolverine. I don’t follow canon. Live with it.
Square filled for the Wolverine bingo @buck-star created for me: Square 1: Claws
“WADE! Wade Wilson! Stop right there!” You growl, ready to shoot the bastard breaking into your property. Well, technically it’s not your property. Or it is. Charles left it to you in his will. Not because you were his favorite X-Men, but because you are the last one standing.
You huff before jumping out of the window. Wade would’ve loved to stop and admire your superhero landing, but he’s busy chasing after a very pissed Wolverine.
“Wolvie, stop! She won’t understand! Fuck. Shit. I said, Stop!” Wade takes off his mask. He wheezes because all he did all day was chase after the worst Wolverine. Logan’s words, not his. “HEY! I didn’t tell you about her for you to run off. We still have a job to do!”
“WADE WILSON!” You start to run, seeing Wade kneel on the ground. He still tries to catch his breath as you storm toward him. “I’d kill you but watching you grow legs and arms is disgusting!”
Instead of decapitating his head or stabbing Wade, you slap the back of his head.
“Ouch, Y/N.” He complains loudly. Wade got stabbed and shot; he lost body parts but whines like a baby when you slap him.
“What are you doing here? No one is allowed to come here any longer. You know that.” You sniff when he slowly gets up. “Not since…”
“I get it, I get it!” Wade raises his hands in surrender before turning around to face you. His face is a mess as always, but you can’t help but smile, seeing a familiar face. If you’re honest, he’s the only friend (if you want to call the cocky motherfucker a friend) you’ve got left. “Extinction is hard.”
“What did you say?” You slap him across the face, earning another whine. “You are an insensitive asshole.”
“Sweetheart, we both know you would have outlived all of them, no matter what. It just happened a little earlier this way.” Wade shrugs before putting his mask back on.
You run one hand down your face and huff. “What do you want, Wade? Is the world on fire, or did you lose a ball again?”
“No jokes about a man’s balls,” he points a gloved finger at you. “But yes, the world is ending once again. Or not. I mean… It depends.” Wade babbles as you put your hands on your hips.
“What did you do? I bet you messed with the timeline again, huh?” you snap at Wade. “Because that worked out so well last time. I told you to not fuck with timelines and shit. The dead shouldn’t come back.”
“Oh, about that,” Wade nervously chuckles. “I swear I didn’t resurrect anyone, but…uh…you see. Maybe, and I’m not saying it happened. But maybe I was hopping through different universes to find an anchor to save our universe from destruction.”
“Wade.” You close your eyes and inhale sharply. “Whom did you bring here, and do I have to kill them?”
“No, no! You cannot kill him,” Wade hastily says. “I came here for a short break. You see, bad guys are after our cute asses, and this is the safest place I know.”
“Christ on a cracker, WADE!” You kick his shin. “I’ve been out of this business for years.” You dip your head, hearing someone sneak closer. “Why would you bring anyone here? This is a lost place. Dead and forgotten. Just like me and the rest of the X-Men. Just like—”
Twirling around, you ready yourself to attack the person sneaking toward you and Wade.
Your body goes stiff, and you whimper, facing the man you lost so many years ago.
“No…” You step back and shake your head. “No…no. Wade. Out of all the people you could bring here…you do this to me?!”
“I swear, if I had a choice, I’d never do this to you. But—” Wade sighs and points at the worst Logan, he brought to your universe. “He wouldn’t believe me. Logan said you must be dead here too.”
You wrinkle your nose. “I cannot die. I am…immortal. My Wolverine would know that.”
The man, looking so much like your one true love, dips his head. He has the same body, the same eyes, and the same claws. Hell, he even wears the same fucking suit. But he’s not your Logan. He’ll never be your Logan.
“Go away. Both of you. Whatever will happen to this universe is not my problem. Maybe I can finally rest then too.”
You turn around to walk away, leaving Wade and Logan’s clone behind.
“Wait, Y/N!” Wade jogs after you. “I know you’re angry, but I couldn’t stop him. If there’s only a tiny piece of the undefeatable Y/N still inside of you, help us. Help me save my friends and this world.”
“Your friends,” you say, your heart heavy with sadness and grief. You glance at the photo Wade shows you, swallowing thickly.
“If there was a way to save your friends, you’d do anything, right?” Wade presses on. Even though he knows it’s a low blow, he cannot shelter you or your feelings. You’re his only chance to convince Logan to help him and get his clones off his back. “Please help me…”
“What the fuck is that?” You dip your head to look at the ugliest dog you have ever seen. “Uh—is that thing even alive?” Crouching down, you poke the dog’s nose with your index finger. “Who did this to you, little pug?”
“I think he was born this way?” Wade chuckles while picking the dog up. “And he’s not ugly. Dogpool is the sweetest.”
“Y/N. How?” Logan finally found his voice. He steps closer to you and Wade, not looking you in the eyes. “Why did you do it?!” He yells before jumping at you.
Logan tackles you to the ground to ram his claws into your sides. He growls like an animal, stabbing you again and again.
“What’s his problem?” You laugh as Logan tries to kill you. His claws dig deep into your flesh, but it doesn’t do much damage.
“Uh—from what I heard, you killed his people because he didn’t love you or shit?” Wade shrugs before letting the dog lick his face.
“YOU!” Logan growls. He slides his claws back in to slam his fists into the ground. Again, and again, and again. You can hear bones crack and flesh tear. “Why don’t you die?”
Logan looks at you, shaking his head. “You’re not her…”
“I assume in your world, I was mortal,” you sit up and push Logan away. While you slowly get up, he watches you with tears in his eyes. “In this world, my Logan would’ve cut your head off for touching me.”
“After we introduced ourselves, we should talk about the guys wanting to end this world. Come on, sweetheart. You know you want to help your Deadpool.”
“You’re annoying as fuck,” you huff while rubbing dirt off your ass. “If you keep that thing in line.” You jerk your head toward Logan kneeling on the ground. “We can talk.”
“She’s not her…” Logan repeats. “Not her…”
“You sound like a broken record,” you say and slap the back of Logan’s head. “And for the record, you’re not my Logan either…”
Tags in reblog.
#wolverine#deadpool#wolverine x reader#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett x you#Not my Logan (1)#wolverine angst
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to me i feel like the hells were meant for a campaign more like cr2, which i feel like that's been discussed before even on your blog? like idk orym and braius were the only characters who actually fit this campaign, maybe imogen for obvious reasons. but laudna, fearne, ashton, chetney all felt like they belonged in a lower stakes, more personal campaign
Yes, I have talked about this extensively: honestly, either a Campaign 1 or Campaign 2 structure would have served them better. For what it's worth I feel like everyone other than Laudna managed to make something of it - Fearne and Chetney frankly did a lot of work to explore their concepts, it was just never rewarded or frankly in many cases revisited in any way (again, consequences do not mean punishment; they quite literally just mean that one's actions lead to results that follow from said actions), and while I ended up not caring much for Ashton as a character, I actually think Taliesin played them with a strong logical throughline. But it is true that the plot really, in the end, served none of them, not even Orym or Imogen (Braius it kind of did, but he was developed so late in the game that he was designed around its flaws). There was just never space to really explore the dark fairytale Ashley talked about early on; Tuyen and that other toymaker back in Marquet were never revisited nor was Ruidus's impact on Chetney nor was there an appearance of Doreo, and even Drixlich and the offers to the pirates vanished (side note but Travis is perhaps actual play's best plot thread generator and I think it's telling that he kind of gave up on that eventually because it never fucking went anywhere, after two campaigns where it consistently did). When it comes to Imogen I am reminded of the possibly apocryphal theater review for King Lear that went "the lead actor played the king as though he momentarily expected someone to play the ace;" she was a great concept but at no point inhabited her decisions meaningfully on the rare occasions she made them. Orym was never really given the opportunities Caleb had to explore grief and while I personally am okay with his deal with Morri being canceled, it plus the whole Vax thing really feel like a thumbing of the nose at Liam's RP choices across the decade. Ashton's temporary growth and then regression honestly feel very real, just deeply unsympathetic, though the ending of the story where nothing about the All Minds Burn or his talk with Shady Sally or the titans or the Hishari came up and the genuinely great moment of sacrifice turned into another "and then Essek fixes it for you" was narratively empty. But the more I think about it, the more this was largely a failure of Matt to tell a different kind of story with any measure of success. I think this campaign in many ways played hard to Matt, Marisha, and Laura's weaknesses in particular (and a little bit of Liam's if I'm being honest in the end) whereas the others embraced their strengths, and this is what happened; the rest of the cast kind of made the most of it.
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The Alma Tran arc should have emphasized more on religious trauma and indoctrination. In this essay, I will-
#magi#please do not get me started i will not shut up /serious#magi labyrinth of magic#magi: the labyrinth of magic#for me personally it is a story about fucked up grief#but that's a deeply personal thing i don't care for sharing or expect someone else to relate#magi alma tran#magi alma toran#magi sheba#magi solomon#magi falan#magi manga#magi manga spoilers#i have so many mixed feelings about this arc but it's my bby#includes photo edit#''it isn't against my will'' sheba you are a CHILD that's not a decision a child can consent to#not to mention brainwashing peeps is a fucked up decision on its own#sheba is such an awful gremlin child#cw religion#cw racism#my stuff#resizing manga panels is a bitch#gimme gimme gimme s3 ty
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will never stop making me mad how people talk about how fictional characters deal with grief. criticizing someone for doing something that doesn't make sense because they're deep in mourning for a loved one? a family member or someone they loved romantically or platonically? 'oh skill issue lol i would never' shut the fuuuuuuuuck up!
#ignore me#this is about a great many characters over the years#and you know what even if their actions weren't 'morally' 'right' you know what they WERE. they were INTERESTING#they moved the plot along and they made for interesting stories and they felt cathartic.#yeah i WOULD destroy the world to bring my mom back to life. fuck you guys. shut up.#yeah i WOULD make a megavirus and test it on humans if it meant no one had to die like my sister#yeah i WOULD go days without sleeping or eating struck with a horrible grief over my loved one dying in front of me#shut UP with your hashtag lifehacks for managing the deepest despair a person can feel. stop thinking and feel for a minute. christ!
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It didn't truly strike me harder how devastating the grief and trauma Cheng Xiaoshi felt about that Chen Xiao mission and how he was probably raised in that part of China by his parents and having to confront the feelings of all the people he had bonds with in that area until i was reading posts from Chinese readers explaining how Cheng Xiaoshi has a northern accent and Lu Guang has a southern Chinese accent
#like i knew knew from the story and i vaguely remember that event in 2008 on the news as a child#which also just fucks me up just being similar age as these characters#but i am just depressed and sad knowing that cxs grieved cx's mother with that lullaby#i personally feel like that mission was what allowed cxs to truly grieve the absence of his parents and the possibility that theyre dead#everything about it breaks my heart but i sympathize with that grief that won't let you cry#cxs unshakeable faith being rocked by vicariously feeling the ups and downs of love from a parent#shiguang daili ren#link click#mikh talks#i always end up missing those nuances but i end up appreciating them x10 more#this show is made with so much love hope grief yearning despair
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"I don't like sad things" hello ??? you who has come up with some of the angstiest things before ? delightfully hurt/comfort ? /t
Listen Blaines my dear friend
I never said I wasn't a hypocrite, like I was in tears about your lie in april + I want to eat your pancreas and I'm always in tears about Kojika and Ronin's Right person, not enough time dynamic- I think that's just a trope that's always gonna make me cry ngl-
I genuinely don't like sad things most of the time but angst I can handle when I know there's comfort at the end. When I know the characters are gonna get a happy ending or I know where the story is gonna go or if I'm forewarned ahead of time.
And the Angst thing is because I have Ru as my role model in the angst department so Gotta keep up with their silly antics /j
#that being said uhhhhhh Yes I have angst things but listen LISTEN#if you think i'm bad you should see Danganronpa's backstories for their characters good lord#My motto is please get characters therapy amen#bUT NO NO STORIES ABOUT GRIED FUCK ME UP IN A VERY PARTICULAR A WAY#i think it's why I'm latching onto batman so hard because His story is rooted so heavily in grief#it is an intricate part of who he is! it was a life altering event the death of his parents! you can't take it away from the person he is!!#and Grief is that thing you can never really escape because death comes for everyone in the end. you're either going to be the grieved or#the griever#the saddest thing that can be is someone who has no one to grieve for them tbh#sorry I quite literallt just finished your lie in april an hour ago so it is fresh on the brain#BLAINES :D!!#but yeah no if anyone asks about Any angst thoughts I have uhhhhhh it depends because I usually sell myself as someone that's very fluff#focused and that's true and is the main kind of stuff I enjoy reading/watching but sometimes Angst is good#Especially as Hurt/Comfort JUST MWAH the good stuff in getting comfort#madi answers#also if anyone asks who kojika and ronin are... they are some of my ocs#i don't usually talk about my OCs on tumblr because it's tumblr but I have so much lore on them it's insane#wHICH KOJIKA'S STORY IS ALSO SO INTRICATELY TIED TO GRIEF AND HOW IT'S EVER CONSUMING IF YOU LET IT BE AND GNAWS#if any of you ask about my OCs I apologize for the infodump that will be thrown upon my page#it's honestly easier to get their info from my art fight please
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Oooh im gonna make the most toxic romance possible, I've been struck by inspiration and the answer is to make the goofy ghost story into a psychological horror. But it's still a little goofy though
#im talking about this as if any of you have any idea what im talking about#but basically I've had the idea of a supernatural story with basis in nordic folk tale (because that's childhood nostalgia)#and I've been thinking of making it a bit cute or whatever? like a lovestory between a ghost and the person who can see ghosts#and it was going to be a bit light hearted. but then i started to think about family annihilation and it kinda spiralled from there#the vibe just wasn't right when it was light hearted‚ i need their souls to be entwined yet they're still each others doom#i need there to be cannibalism as a beautiful metaphor for love or so help me#like it has to be fucked up for it to have the right vibe. there's a woman locked in her room with her grief and a bottle#and a secret in the attick that could unravel everything. i neeeed it to be messed the fuck up ok#im just spitballing but you get the idea. i need a bit of yellow wallpaper vibes. some gothic romance vibes as well.#maybe I'll even drag lord byron into it who knows
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#look obviously this is not my fucking moment hence why this is an in the tags post#but. man.#'my heart hurts' is a phrase that was thrown around a lot by the adults in my life when I was growing up#& a lot of the time it was in reference to some real bullshit so I never really thought about it except to roll my eyes#but god my heart hurts#it makes me feel like a little kid wondering why it has to be so hard to help people#to know the names and faces and stories of so many people suffering & to be able to do so little to help#one person mentioned their grandfather was martyred & it hit me like a brick#my grandfather is so important to me & I know he'll die one day & probably relatively soon#but to imagine losing him to violence??? to hate????? it makes me fucking sick#I just can't understand it I can't make sense of it#feels like watching an older kid kill a baby bird for no reason except on a scale of tens of thousands#they're just people. just human fucking beings. familes & friends & communities & there is no fucking difference between us & them#like I know it sounds all john lennon or whatever but genuinely there is no meaningful difference between me & a 25y/o palestinian woman#I could know her. I could love her. people do know & love her.#the people of gaza don't deserve this. they didn't do anything to deserve this. no one *could* deserve this.#I’m so filled with grief and rage and I couldn't be further removed from the actual horror of it all#again. this is not my moment & I know that. but it hurts so badly I just needed to get it out.#please help if you can. donate to fundraisers if you can. promote them if you can't. stand up for palestine irl.
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sidenote speaking of polls that infuriated me, that poll like 'does a story require themes to be good' was sent from hell to kill me
#everyone taking it as an object lesson in Reading Comprehension this website's favourite fuckin phrase#meanwhile the wording immediately captivated me as a word puzzle#'does a story require themes to be good' immediately dinged in my mind as a hypothetical#and that was way more interesting than the discourse 2 me#like in my mind its not a question of 'do good stories have themes' like duh doy the answer is yes#i saw it as 'does a story REQUIRE themes'#as in 'would a hypothetical lab-made story with no themes be discounted from being a story due to its lack of themes'#and that was fun and u guys had to go 'lollll imagine not paying attention in english class'#if i had paid attention during my english class it would have killed me. we did fucking NOT learn about critical reading or comprehension#we learned how to regurgitate the lowest-common-denominator answers and score well on tests with the least amount of thought#wrote a personal essay abt my grief towards the school system making the point of 'students are shaped into ai'#'whats important is that we can make words in the right sequence and not that we are actualyl saying anything'#and my english teacher was like 'wowww really good essay i rlly feel for you' and then a year later she was showing us chatgpt .#what was i on about. oh yeah language is a prison#'arent you an english major' YES. its a fascinating and fun toy whose widespread application is inappropriate and inefficient#language was made for word puzzles and tripping people up and the fact that i have to verbalise it on a time limit#with only rough approximations of my actual thoughts in casual conversation is one of my greatest griefs#anyway. ahem. tumblr amirite
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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thinking about daredevil yellow again im not. going to make it Guys.
#static.soundz#crying screaming and hitting the ground. so good. it made me cry really bad#bc whenever i think about jack n matt it always makes me think of me n my dad for various reasons#when matt said i couldnt feel his heartbeat inside me anymore. no words.#i rambled about it on my main but dd is very much intwined in an interesting and special way with my own heavy grief about my dad#and matt was a very important character to me during that time of my life for the exact same reason.#it's why i take a lot of very heavy issue when things try to make it so his dad died in his childhood as opposed to college#bc a) think it takes away a lot of the important nature of their relationship and b) my own personal projection#bc all grief at any stage is highly personal and unique and particular#but it really does feel like. matt is really just starting to become an adult (depending whether he dies when matt's in under or post grad)#(bc i can never remember which) but he's not quite a mega established one. there's still that lingering of childhood#so even though he's grown. it just hurts in a very particular way. they saw you grow up. but they didnt really see you become an adult.#they did not see the person you're going to be. that you are. that you're becoming. it feels like such a bizarre unfair moment in time.#bc why now? why not when i was younger? why not when i was truly an adult adult who is expecting to lose you now?#why at this moment and no other time?#but thinking about matt going i wish i told my dad how much i loved him.#more than anything when he goes 'i love you dad. did you hear? i love you.'#it made me cry like a fucking bitch. honest to god tearing up when i type about it. it wrenches my heart it twists it and it makes me wanna#drop to my knees and just weep and weep and weep. they are everything to me.#i have intertwined a lot of matt's grief with mine in a way that makes him so so so important to me. because as stupid as it fucking sounds#that comic and him as a character are everything to me. so genuinely. they were a lifeline my freshman year#when i was so depressed all i could do was read comics. or listen to music#i could do nothing else. i did. clearly. i did work and assignments. but dd was everything to me alongside dm#im sorry i am being an actual like nutbag in my tags im sorry i just have a lot of feelings. this story is everything to me ever ok? ok.
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honestly love robots so much especially as a trans guy bc of the sort of customisability and gender neutrality offered to robots. a lot of the ppl who voted robot on that poll seem to be hung up on the non-human element which is scary but the way i see it a robot can be lovingly crafted the way a child is born. especially when you aren't religious so the here and now means more to me than any concept of a soul. robots still have their own identity and even if they aren't 'human' they still feel... something. even if its programmed. our brains and environments essentially program us to feel specific ways so why get hung up on that as a robot. ROBOT CLONES HOWEVER
#when i tell you astro boy honestly fucked me up as a kid...#to be a robot mimicking a dead person AND IMPLANTED WITH THEIR MEMORIES.......#its similar to the way fern from AT makes me feel.. like being a non human clone with distinct memories of human sensations#like taste and stuff. and having that ripped from you in an instant essentially#I LOVE CLONES... I LOVE CLONES THEY ARE SO PERFECT FOR STORIES ABOUT GRIEF AND FAMILIAL EXPECTATIONS#it just really resonates with me bc i look quite like my dad but i also probably inhereted by disorder from him#and he pretty much tried to raise us to be as conspiratorial and paranoid as possible#so ive lived enough with my mum to avoid becoming just like him but theres parts of him i can recognise in myself#which also upsets me because i worry that i remind my mum of him sometimes. bc he was a shite husband and father#so yeah. clones are freaking badass and induce a certain amount of despair in me...#i do understand why finding out u were a robot would be scary. but i just kinda fuck with robots#in a similar vein i always think that if i found out i was an alien id be like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. okay. everything makes sense now
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thinking about the unforgiving nature of the passage of time
#just realized that i've probably rocked my baby boy to sleep for the last time without realizing jt#he's three right now and so fucking big#when did he get so big?#everytime i used to watch him when he was a baby i'd put the same lullaby on and rock him to sleep#he'd tuck his little head against my neck and i'd just rock him#tonight i picked him up and he had a growth spurt so he doesn't quite fit the way he used to#but he still cuddled close and hugged me tight while i rocked him#had to put him down and tuck him in so he could actually sleep comfortably though#long gone are the days where he'd drift off comfortably on me then i'd go around cleaning things up while holding him in one hand#god#i dont miss the person i used to be#i'm glad for the time passing for that much#i've learned to stop drowning in the waves of grief#learned how to cup it before it can grow. to say 'i know this hurts and i'm sorry it does. let's sit in it together.'#learned how to mourn without swandiving into a lake of self pity#but for all i've changed in the past few years so has everyone else#the kids have grown up. all of them were so little and are now at such different stages of their little lives#and i'm grateful to be a part of their story but damn it's so bittersweet#anyways i'm rambling and probably incoherent i'm just overly emotional about this
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#degrassi#saad al'maliki#this one has been cooking in my drafts for a while#in case it wasnt obvious from the fact that this video is months old#anyways in case it needs reiterating yes saad is in fact the best brooding artsy boy this show has ever had#well maybe not BEST i still prefer eli over him but definitely the most interesting#i made a post on this a long while ago but i love Him and he deserved so much more#on rewatch im definutely more disappointed that his story ended up making him an extention of lola#even though i reslly liked their relationship. i just wish there was more of a focus on him and not how he relates to lola#and my other major problem w his storyline that isnt even his own fault#is that the person to heckle him when he gave that speech was fucking BAAZ#that part pisses me off bc i love baaz and i hate how the show constantly bends his character to make him worlds biggest asshole#bc baaz despite being less devout than his sister is a muslim#and is literally HOUSING A REFUGEE like out of the entire gamer crew he wld be the most supportive#but thats about baaz anyways back fo saad#i think the best part about saad over eli or craig or miles is that his angst feels more. idk. heavy#not that being abused by a parentsl figure or having a severe mental illness or suffering addiction isnt heavy#but saad being a traumatized refugee from a war torn country . its so#its heavy and its just so real idk maybe im biased bc my parents also come from a war torn country but it just Hits#and the way he processes his grief and trauma through his photography#and his unhealthy relationship w maya where rhey feed off each others trauma i cld talk about that all day#hes so tragic to Me the little spoingly#saad doesnt get mentioned in this three way angsty white boy debate bc hes not white and he came in too late into the series#to finish his arc properly#but i will ride for him til i DIE his NC4 storyline was soo fucking GOOD#he never gets the praise he deserves i will praise U my pookie!!!!!!
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God I wish I could latch onto better media instead of sinking my teeth into Blizz-“absolute scumbag company”-ard for my 2 dragons who are absolutely going to get thrown behind the curtain the second the expansion is over until the writers need their props again. I don’t know how long they’ll be in there, but I don’t know what’s worse, them collecting dust of wasted potential in writers room storage or them being bent into roles they don’t fit into again.
#This is for Rachel you big stupid nasty smellin-#shiny speaks#it’s just so TERRIBLE a feeling like I’m not gonna see them again until the writers wanna fuck them up again#EVEN THEN how long until I get to hear them again??#They are so so so important to me I’ve never loved any f/os this much before they mean the world to me#it was like 2 years before Wrathy came back from bfa to DD#more like 4 actually I think and god that’s worse#like they won’t die I at least have that one sliver of rope to hang onto#Kalec has his foot in the door to so many important mage stories and they’d have to replace him if they were gonna off him#I’m worried about Wrathy though because they could totally have him die a martyr in some self sacrifice to get him out of the picture#and some of the writers have it out for him personally!! leave him alone!!!#for the love of god!!#Like holy hell this game is my orbiting home where I always go back to.#and every expansion I’m going to be so scared for my boys now good grief#I don’t care if Azeroth burns anymore or if there is a heaven and hell I want them to be safe and happy
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#tlou 2 spoilers////#i absolutely get that this is the point but there's something genuinely so hollowing and just. hurtful about joel's death#like he died brutally and now he can't make amends with his daughter everything that he fought for for so long doesn't matter bc he's dead#he got two years (stfu neil drunkman. two years??? two whole years??? shut the fuck up) of the silent treatment from the person he loved#most in the world#the one person he would (and has) fight to death to keep safe. and the SECOND he got a chance of making things right he's fucking dead#i have to make a post about this but i genuinely believe that the cruelty present as a theme throughout the entirety of tlou is not always#effective and at times can almost make you lose the point of the story#it's not just that bad things happen. bad things happen at the worst possible time in the most hurtful way#it's cruelty towards however is invested in the story and it's on purpose. sometimes it serves the narrative (joel dying for example.#although cruel it was necessary to move the story of the game along)#and sometimes it just feels like twisting the knife for no damned good reason (they really didn't even get a day to try?? not one??)#and the result is something that i find so so overwhelming and punitive#that it makes it honestly hard for me to even begin to try to make up my mind about wether i like it or not#it hurts!!!! it makes me feel Bad. and empry anc confused and lonely and pointless ans stupid#which honestly resembles what real world loss and grief are ig. but also it clouds what your story is#but ALSO going that entire way just to say forgive don't seek revenge<333 feels uh. anticlimactic#i also keep coming back to taking ellie's fingers. twisting the knife making what's worse bad#like some of it is just low hanging fruit. the girl was alone already you got tour point across. was that last bit necessary#but then some of the cruelty really fucking works#but ALSO if i think about this too much i honestly feel Void inside me. which is why i'm typing this in the first place just#insane tragedy that makes me feel Bad in a way i can't express#i am both sicked and terrified for sunday.oh well#talking tag;#the last of us;
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