#for me I'm just trying to focus on putting most positivity out there and reading more fic

[thecaduceusclay]

Alright, I’ll bite. Devil’s Minion in both the book and the show feels very connected to the AIDS crisis… but I’ve only ever acquired knowledge about that period through osmosis, so I’m curious if you have any thoughts/connections or information. 👀

I put out a call for people to ask me fandom-related queer history questions since I know a lot! I want to remind people this is open and that I welcome any fandom questions about queer history!

Ok this is going to get long because I have a lot of feelings on this topic especially. For those who just want some resources, further reading, and my sources, you can find those at the end. I'll pepper some links in, but I'll try to put the bulk of it there. But Daniel Molloy in the show especially is a man heavily impacted by the history of the AIDS crisis and I have a lot to say about that. I'm also assuming a knowledge of what HIV and AIDS are in the first place. You can do some quick reading here.

First, a note on the books since I mostly want to talk about the show. Queen of the Damned was published in 1988 when the AIDS crisis was in full swing. The peak of deaths was in 1993, but 1988 wasn't exactly early in it. The previous year saw the start of the AIDS memorial quilt, the founding of ACT UP (we'll talk about them later 💜), and Princess Diana publicly shaking the hand of an HIV positive patient. The shadow is cast over the culture, Anne Rice was not immune to the zeitgeist. Hell, she was living in the Castro district at the time and that is a notably queer area. (Her son Christopher talks about that briefly here.) I don't this the parallels are an accident. Armand is a man watching his lover slowly waste away while he can do nothing about it. Sure, it isn't AIDS, it's the alcohol and lack of care to his body. Sure, Armand could turn him. But despite their fun and their arguments being such a focus, that helplessness and fear permeates their relationship in the Devil's Minion chapter. Like so many gay men at the time, Daniel is wasting away. Armand is tormented by this. That is one of the most prominent faces of queer men at this time!

Daniel in the show has more going on in relation to the crisis.

I'll start by saying this in case it needs asserted, Daniel is a leftist journalist. And I don't mean in a casual liberal way. He's clearly passionate and involved and these things matter to him. He makes flippant and offensive comments in the interview sure, but I'm not saying he's perfect. His books give this away. He wrote about environmental issues in Under the Burning Sky, the prison industrial complex in The United States of Prison and Profit, and seemingly the surveillance state in Homelandia and likely in his book on Snowden. I'd also like to gesture to his work with "the barb". The Berkeley Barb was a leftist underground student paper. I'd recommend taking a look at their archives linked here and their website to get a grasp for what he was writing with at the time. (Warning, the archives are often NSFW). But in short the barb's attitude was largely anti-war, sex-positive, fuck the establishment kind of writing. He was already like this when he ran into Louis in '73. This will inform our view of him moving forward and will be our framework for understanding how he interfaced with the AIDS crisis.

I think it's important to note Daniel's proximity to AIDS too. I mean, subtextually, he had a brush with it when Louis nearly killed him in '73. Louis was a silent killer sweeping through the queer men of San Fran. Gay men were likely seeing lovers and friends disappear after going home with a stranger. Risky sex and drug use leading to a death going unacknowledged, one that's largely impacting gay men? I think the subtext of it is queer-- I mean clear. (Louis is not an all around metaphor for AIDS, but the ties between it and vampirism in the series seem clear, and in this instance the connection is there specifically for Louis, no one come for my ass).

Speaking of, the proximity is there in his behaviors too. He's a drug user who goes home with random men. (Casual sex was a big part of gay culture back then, see the hanky code and cruising for this.) Both of these actions put him at high risk of contracting HIV and put him among populations more likely to contract it. He was using heroin, and needle sharing is a huge risk factor in the spread of bloodborne illnesses, which can lead to the spread of HIV (which is why needle exchanges are so important.)

Finally for incidental proximity early on, Daniel was living in San Francisco. We know he frequented Polynesian Mary's at least, and possibly other gay bars. He also likely lived near or in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood (given his memoir being called Hate and Ashbury). This area is very notably queer, historically. By 1990 HIV was the leading cause of death for young men in San Francisco at 61%. That's frighteningly high, and sure this was much later, but San Francisco was an epicenter.

AIDS was first identified in 1981 as a spread of Karposi Sarcoma and PCP (or "gay pneumonia" colloquially) in gay men in areas like New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. The first KS patient to go public (Bobbi Campbell) was in San Fran. He later wrote the first pamphlet on "safer sex". The first KS clinic was opened here, and later the first dedicated AIDS clinic (which Daniel seems to have written an article about according to his LinkedIn). By 1982 this epidemic was known as GRID, or Gay Related Immuno-Deficiency. (Interesting parallel that s1 notes Daniel as having an auto-immune disease, which Parkinson's is not primarily known as...). Daniel was covering these early years. His book A Shadow on the Skin was about this! It was a collection of articles he wrote on KS in the early years as he documented it becoming the AIDS crisis! He was routinely writing about the early epidemic. (s/o to @cbrownjc for this post where I found the blurb on the back of the book).

So, while living in San Francisco, this deeply politically involved young man was watching the early crisis unfold. He saw gay men dying slowly. Some gay men at the time described watching the AIDS crisis sweep through as watching their cities become ghost towns. This was something terrifying, something haunting, and something attributed largely to queer men. I mean, it was called GRID until 1982/1983. It wasn't until Ryan White, a 13 year old boy, contracted HIV from a blood transfusion in 1984 that people began seeing it as anything but just a gay disease. Even then, public perception didn't change quickly. It was so heavily associated with gay men, even, that getting national medical authorities to recognize women could contract it and treat it in women was a struggle.

All of this horror was occurring and the government ignored it. When they didn't ignore it? Ronald Reagan, then president, laughed at it. Hospitals were terrified of gay men, some refused to touch or treat AIDS patients. The FDA and CDC were slow to respond and to treat it.

In season one, Daniel is dismissive of his own queerness. He shrugs off his being in gay bars and hooking up with men, acts like it wasn't a big deal and it was just to score. I think this dismissive attitude likely stems from the AIDS crisis, at least in part. Lingering trauma from Louis' attack in '73 may play a role, after all, the body keeps the score. But I don't think we can overlook AIDS as a factor. The writers clearly didn't overlook it in his characterization, as exemplified above. I think they mean for this to impact who he is and how we view him! He watched some of the most terrifying years in recent queer history, of course he would downplay his queerness, of course he would marry two women even if he wasn't happy with them. (Not denying he may be bisexual, but he's certainly closeted.) And in the end, despite distance from his queerness, he still ended up having to waste away slowly from a disease with no cure, just uncomfortable treatments, much like men in the early AIDS crisis. (Early AIDS treatments were all trial based, you were lucky if you got in. You were lucky if you didn't end up in the control group. But the gamble was all you had, and those were the lucky ones. Even then it may not work, it was a trial for a reason. It wasn't until 1987 that AZT was approved to treat AIDS. It wasn't until the mid-90's, years later, that AIDS was considered survivable. I can't help but see his levadopa and how it only slows the inevitable as a parallel to this. A terrible reflection of earlier fears. Parkinson's has no cure. He'll deteriorate until he succumbs, even with medicine. He's lucky if it improves his quality of life, if it doesn't just make him more miserable. He'd be lucky to get a few more years.)

If Devil's Minion happened in the past, Armand watched his lover engage in high risk activities, while clearly aware of the risk given his coverage of AIDS. He watched Daniel writing a book worth of articles on KS and AIDS clinics. He knew how horrifying it was, he knew Daniel knew, and he watched his lover play with fire by using heroin anyway. And in the end? He still watched Daniel deteriorate slowly with medicine that only slowed it more.

If Devil's Minion is only coming and wasn't in the past at all? I think the impact of AIDS mostly falls to Daniel. After being turned he embraces life so fully. Yes, because he was dying before. But his style feels more queer once again. He doesn't have to fear any human diseases! He can fuck men! He can be gay! The shadow that hung over his youthful queer exploration, that interrupted it, is gone for him. And now he doesn't feel it's too late for him, I imagine. I mean, before he didn't have many peers, so many his age died. But now he's a vampire, he's outside of this. He can fuck young men, vampires, whatever. He's now outside of society whether he likes it or not, he's the "other", in for a penny in for a pound, right? And I think that's all going to impact who he is as a character going forward now too.

If there's interest in a Part 2 on the impact of AIDS activism in New York, since Daniel likely saw a lot of it up close, I'll gladly write it. I have opinions and info to share.

For now, stay safe everyone. I love you. And here's some further reading.

~~~~~~~~

A timeline of HIV and AIDS (1981-2024)

Only Your Calamity: The Beginnings of Activism by and for People With AIDS

HIV Infection as Leading Cause of Death Among Young Adults in US Cities and States (1993, about 1990)

On the impacts of the AIDS crisis on gay culture

The Queer significance of San Francisco

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIDS Memorial Quilt

Princess Diana's AIDS Advocacy

About the Berkeley Barb

How Ryan White impacted the view of AIDS

Daniel Molloy's LinkedIn

Practicum Page

[xoxoemynn]

Hey. Just so you know, it's okay if you're still hanging out in the blanket fort. It's okay if you leave and then decide you need to come back. It's okay if you're mostly out, but just want to leave one foot inside for safety.

We're all going through it together. There will always be space for you. This will always be a safe spaceship.

I love you. 💕

There's room in my blanket fort for anybody who wants to curl up in a ball and die. The door's the blue cushion. 💔

[helianthus-tarot]

SELF: Your natural talent

Natural talent: Something that comes naturally to you, that you don't need to work on, except in situations where the talent is blocked by personal issues like insecurities.

I posted the extended version on my Patreon which includes your potential (other qualities that can flourish if you tap into them) and possible career for you ❤️ There are other 80+ fun and juicy readings on Patreon so definitely check it out!

Disclaimer: Here | Instagram: Here

Instructions: Focus on the topic and ask yourself the question. Choose a number/picture that you feel the most drawn to or that you can’t stop looking at. Trust your intuition. May the message resonate. Let me know which pile you choose! Feedback is appreciated!

Like my readings? Tip here!

PILE 1 

Natural talent: 10 of Swords, 9 of Wands, Queen of Cups, The Magician. 

Your natural talent is probably connected to the theme of your life. I think it’s your ability to transform your experiences, especially difficult experiences, into something more or something better. Most people learn from their mistakes, but some people may take several tries to learn the same lesson (as in, they keep experiencing the same thing over and over before the lesson actually gets through to them). But you learn quickly from your mistakes, because you probably have a tendency to think and analyse your mistakes (or things that happen in your life) to death. Which can be good and bad. You have an active mind; your mind can understand something in multiple different ways, in multiple different perspectives. If you don’t have a healthy control over this, it can lead to problems, especially health and emotional problems. 

You have a strong empathy, an ability to put yourself in other people’s shoes and to understand other people’s experiences. Partly because of your own personal experiences; these give you the perspective and ability to understand what people are struggling with and why. But another reason is that you just have that ability to understand people and their situations without having to experience those things yourself. I'm not just talking about caring for people, I’m talking about really understanding the layers in people’s problems; how different things lead to this terrible situation and why people with this kind of problem behave in a certain way.

Some of you may be into psychology; cognitive psychology, social psychology, positive psychology, or clinical psychology. I hate saying this because it sounds kinda shitty, but your pain and experiences are a part of your natural talent, or they’ve had a part in the development of your natural talent whether or not you realise it; it's like a curse and a gift at the same time, or a gift that blooms through a curse. Don't take this as me calling your difficult past experiences a curse tho. I mean, you can decide it yourself; I’m just trying to explain the message lol. 

The Magician can be about mixing different things together; so a lot of you are creative thinkers. You don’t have to be an artist, creative thinking does not only belong to artists. Creative thinking is closely related to resourcefulness and innovative thinking. You are naturally resourceful. While other people choose either A or B, you are out here having the ability to see how to combine A and B to get C.

You know how to use certain information, experience or knowledge to create something in your life, and I don’t think you need much advice or guidance to be able to do this. Some people really need to be led, like, they can’t really figure it out themselves or know where to begin. I’m not looking down on them, people have different strengths, I’m just describing the difference. You, however, know how to start, how to create things for yourself, where to go, what to do, what to have. There’s an independent energy to this, like someone who takes charge of their fate. You also have a natural talent in manifesting; some of you could find this ability a bit blocked, but you can manifest very easily if you put your mind to it and stay determined. 

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! What is your potential? What qualities can flourish if you put effort into them? 😳 And what career paths should you consider? 🤔📝 There are also other 80+ fun and juicy readings on Patreon, do check it out!

PILE 2 

Natural talent: Knight of Pentacles Rx (The High Priestess), 4 of Cups (The Chariot), King of Wands, Knight of Swords. 

You have the ability and strength to be yourself, to do what you want, to think what you think. Some people wait to be told what to do and who to be, but you aren’t really like that. I’m not looking down on those people, people have different strengths, I’m just highlighting the difference. You have a strong independent, bold energy, and this comes naturally to you, like someone who can’t help but be who they are and say what they believe in. You naturally know what you want, what your beliefs are, what you want next, and so on. You feel the pull or have the desire to leave a legacy in this world, to express your vision, to see your vision unfold and to make impacts on your surroundings. Like the previous pile, you may be good at manifesting, you can manifest what you want, especially by envisioning / visualising it.  

You are inspirational; your words and actions are, the way you go after your goals. For some of you, maybe you don’t actively try to be this way, but it still happens, when people look at you, they feel challenged, inspired, and motivated. Some of them may feel threatened or offended though, but if you aren’t unkind towards them then... that’s their issue to solve, really, it’s not your problem. You have a natural talent for leadership. A lot of you may often find yourself being chosen as a leader, or you prefer leadership role, or at least you prefer to be able to do your own thing and make your vision happen (good leaders are usually independent people who have the boldness to believe in their own ideas and don’t mind to assert those).

You are a visionary, some people have to actively learn visionary thinking, but it comes naturally to you. You can see the big picture easily, you can imagine how things may happen, or what something may lead to, you can see the potential in things around you, the opportunities, the possibilities. You have a critical mind too, so you probably have a lot of opinions about a lot of things, because you can see their potentials. 

You are passionate and intuitive. Passion and intuition can be the drives or the sources of energy that’s needed to take actions. Some people have to search for this externally, they need other people to motivate them. You don’t, you have a lot of that in you. You are the type of person who can motivate yourself and stay determined through beliefs alone. So your passion and intuition help you stand strong in your conviction, which takes guts and confidence to do.

Those also make you ambitious and daring. You don’t really doubt yourself, and even when you do, emotional hangups, pessimism don’t really have much power to stop you from pursuing what you want once you have decided that you want what you want. You have a stubborn streak that can help you push through obstacles. However, you do rely more on your instinct than careful, methodical actions. Some of you can be prone to impatience and make quick judgments, so just be careful with that. I mean, you have a strong intuition, so you are probably right in many cases but at the end of the day you are still human so mistakes can happen.  

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! What is your potential? What qualities can flourish if you put effort into them? 😳 And what career paths should you consider? 🤔📝 There are also other 80+ fun and juicy readings on Patreon, do check it out!

PILE 3 

Natural talent: Knight of Pentacles Rx, The Moon Rx (2 of Swords), The Chariot Rx, Knight of Swords (Page of Pentacles Rx).  

For many of you, this talent may be blocked, or you may not have been very productive with it, as in, you don’t really use it to its full potential. This talent is related to your mental energy; so it’s likely that you are smart, mentally sharp, you have a lot of opinions. You have the ability to lay things out in the open (a subject or a topic or a problem) making it clear for other people to understand.

Some of you are quick on your feet, you think fast, you learn fast, you see opportunities, you notice problems and can come out with solutions to those problems, you see ways to break limits; I'm talking about being able to think outside the box and being innovative. But it feels like this talent just stays in your head, as in, you don’t really share it? Or you don’t really do anything much with the insights that you have, or the opinions and ideas that you have. Some of you share those things, but you don’t practice what you say. It does make you seem knowledgeable and like an expert though (when you express your opinions and thoughts). 

But with all these reversals it feels like the cards are telling you that you may want to try building something with your talent, properly act on it basically. Create something tangible with it, instead of just letting it stay in your head or in random conversations. I guess, it’s like, when someone has a lot of knowledge about a particular thing, they talk about it with their friends, but they don’t really ground it in something tangible; for example, they could start a business and make money from it but they don't, or they could start an actual class and teach people in a way that is more organised and productive, but they don’t; they just share it informally and not bother with properly recording and organising the info or not thinking much about how to grow the thing. Some of you may not share it at all. I wish I could get more details about what talent this is, but this pile is probably for a specific group of people who know what their talent is but haven’t done much about it.   

One of the main reasons for this blockage is probably your insecurities, or something you are avoiding; there’s something in you that is feeling conflicted about acting and grounding your talent and building something with it. And this internal conflict creates this back-and-forth energy and a lack of commitment. For some of you, it’s because you don’t trust your intuition or gut feeling about it. Which is interesting because I think you believe in your ideas/stance, you know it's good. You are also determined, or you could be a determined person if you tap into that determination.

For some of you, this sounds a bit odd to say but your determination is also a bit blocked. To unblock or tap into your own determination and ability to stay committed to your pursuit, you may want to try placing your need for security and need for assurance/certainty on the fact that regardless of your concerns about your talent or what you’re doing, believe that effort and hard work will never betray you. Many of you are also aware of how to solve your blockages here, you understand human psychology or your own psyche, but you haven’t properly, consistently acted on that understanding for yourself.   

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! What is your potential? What qualities can flourish if you put effort into them? 😳 And what career paths should you consider? 🤔📝 There are also other 80+ fun and juicy readings on Patreon, do check it out!

PILE 4 

Natural talent: 5 of Wands, The Magician Rx, 4 of Pentacles (The Lovers), The Star. 

I wonder if some of you have recently questioned your ability, especially your ability to make things happen. Because when I took clarifications for The Magician in reverse, the cards that came out were mostly quite heavy. And the reversal doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the cards in this spread. So it’s either you have recently doubted yourself, are currently doubting yourself, OR this is a quality (i.e. being able to make things happen) that you may feel a bit blocked in yourself; like you can’t seem to manifest what you want, to produce/create what you want, to think outside the box, to do something more. 

You have the talent for it though, I don’t know why it’s a bit blocked but sometimes it’s not you, it’s your environment or it’s life itself, sometimes it’s just timing. There’s probably nothing wrong with your ability and what you have been doing. Maybe going out or leaving the house can help the energy flow. This is like a talented writer experiencing a writer block; it doesn’t mean they are not talented. 

You have an eye for good investment; and I’m not just talking about financial investment, I’m talking about things or pursuits that can help you maintain, build and protect your stability. You know what’s good for you, what you need, what can make you a better person. This could be something like, knowing which skills to learn so you can maintain and build more stability in your life. Probably the type of person who puts effort into preparing an emergency saving, saving money in this bank, saving money in that bank, saving to buy land, paying attention to security features, this and that.

You also have the ability to see the big picture, the ability to find (or create) meanings and wisdom in your experiences that you then use to motivate yourself or to feel positively about your life. You have a spiritual outlook or a spiritual bent that actually helps you remain centred in yourself, retain your hope, be more resilient in the face of challenges. Inner knowing, a connection to the Universe. Some of you may know when to act, you feel the pull to do this and that, you can't explain why but when you look at the astrological transits, those can actually explain your behaviour. So it’s like, you are in tune with the Universe.  

You know when to flow and when to push and fight. You are competitive, or you have a knack for figuring out how to win a competition, or how best to compete, or how to be among the best in a competition. It doesn’t have to be about an official competition, like a tournament; it can be as simple as knowing how to work with the algorithm on the platform you choose to post your work, or knowing what makes something stand out in your field and how you can emulate that, being aware of what people are seeking and being able to give those things to people, etc – which all help you come out on top. That’s very specific so I’m not sure how many of you find that resonating. But yeah, it’s a unique ability I’d say.

A lot of you also enjoy challenges, you like things that keep levelling up and challenging you; this is advantageous because everything in life’s got challenges lol. Challenges can’t really deter you or stop you from acting if you have decided you want something. Some of you may take some time to recover from setbacks, but you often get up and try again.  

EXTENDED VERSION IS ON PATREON! What is your potential? What qualities can flourish if you put effort into them? 😳 And what career paths should you consider? 🤔📝 There are also other 80+ fun and juicy readings on Patreon, do check it out!

[wrayah]

GENSHIN + "their favourite position"

prompt: their favourite position(s) during sex characters: wriothesley, tartaglia, neuvillette, alhaitham x fem!reader

warnings: smut (mdni 🔞), unprotected sex w: size kink (only a little), breeding kink (i think), creampie t: marking, masturbation, choking, aftercare n: i'm soft for this man, affection kink, a lot of physical touch a: degrading names, ass apreciation, overstimulation, creampie

notes: this is just a bunch of random horny thoughts put together uuuh,,, they are wuite short, i'm sorry, i'll write longer stuff once i'm free from school ♡ (NOT PROOF-READ!!)

― ♡⸝⸝ WRIOTHESLEY + doggy, prone boning

He just loved taking you from behind, having the pleasure of admiring and gripping at your ass while pounding into you. He adored seeing you shake and squirm beneath him, your body trying to escape him as overwhelming sensations invaded it.

He had complete contorl over your body, his hands on your hips preventing you from getting away from him, pulling your body agaisnt his, sending your hips crashing into each other every time, making you see stars.

Seeing you tug the sheets, knuckles turning white, nails digging into the fabric, always made him chuckle. Your head would either be thrown back to let out loud moans and sometimes screams or be burried in the matress, small moans and whimpers being muffled agaisnt it. You looked so powerless and adorable, your smaller frame engufled by his bigger one, it's probably why he loved doing you like this.

The only downside was being unable to properly see your face, but it was easily solvable. He would occasionally grab fistfuls of your hair and pull it, sending your head falling backwards. With his chest pressed agaisnt your back, his lips would come crashing into yours, taking you into breathtaking and bruising kisses.

Your arms would grow tired, your body feeling weak from the waves of pleasure that would make it combust, before he was even close to finishing. Chest pressed agaisnt the matress, your upper body laying flat, butt propped up in the air for Wriothesley to abuse, the fun would continue this way.

His hand would come down on your ass, smacking it, leaving a red burning spot on the otherwise soft skin.

What he loved most though, was teasing you in this position. He would sometimes slow down, to your dismay, and lean back, watching how his dick would get swallowed up by your cunt, sliding in and out with ease thanks to your juices. He would pull almost all the way out, only leaving the tip of his head in, and then fuck your entrance with his head. Small, slow and yet powerful thursts. He loved hearing you whimper and beg, torn bewteen enjoying the current sensation or wanting him to continue destroying you.

"You like that, don't ya?"

Needless to say, he would toy with you until he was satisfied with your state; his pride was to always leave you a moaning mess, unable to form words, mind clouded from the sweet intoxicating bliss and limbs uselless. Once he deemed that your condition was humiliating enough, he would focus on himself, hips ramming into yours, fucking you into the matress. Feeling your walls clamping down on his dick, he would coax you into another climax along with him, sweet praises falling from his lips accompanied by frantic circles drawn on your clit with his fingers.

"Come for me, baby. Come with me." He would whisper into your ear, body pressing agaisnt yours, hugging you tightly with one arm while his other hand stayed between your legs. Moans and groans filling the room, uniting in a sweet cacophony as you reached your highs.

His hips stilled, his cock burried deep inside you. Filling you was his ultimate prize, being able to see his seed dripping from your cunt after pulling out exciting him even after release.

― ♡⸝⸝ TARTAGLIA + sideways

Chest agaisnt your back, one hand gripping your thigh, keeping your leg up, the other snaking around your neck, grabbing hold of it, keeping you exactly where and how he wanted. He loved physical contact, he loved being close to you. Your warm skin agaisnt his own making him want to become one with you.

His face burried into your shoulder, taking in your sweet odour, leaving him in a drunk-like state. He wanted you, all of you. He desired to feel all of your body, to leave his mark all over you, to make you all his. It's in moments like these where he had full control over you and your body that he felt most powerful, the thrill of battle not comparing to the mix of emotions he felt while he was intimate with you.

His nails digging into the tender flesh of your thighs as he thrust into you, curses flying from his lips and into your neck. His hand on your neck would tighten, leaving you breathless as he ground into you, pace slowing down, procuring pure intoxicating bliss for both of you.

The sounds that spilled fom your mouth as his head touched the deepest corners of your cunt sent him into a frenzy. He fucked you religiously, praying to hear more of that alluring harmony that could send him over the edge in an instant if he allowed it.

To stifle his own moans and growls, he would kiss your neck and shouleder, leaving trails of kisses and purple marks, his teeth imprinted onto your skin. You were his in that moment and forever, and it was no problem if the whole world knew it.

"Play with yourself for me, princess." He would ask you, wanting to feel you clench aorund him, to reach the pinnacle of pleasure together.

Watching you play with yourself shakily, every touch and rub of your nub making your whole body squirm and your walls squeeze around him, drove him crazy right into Celestia.

"Gimme all you got, girlie."

As you both reached your highs, your tight cunt milking him of his seed, he hugged you tightly, forehread pressed agaisnt your shoulder, continuing to thurst into you but slower, giving you every last drop of him, filling you with his love and desire.

Soft kisses would be placed on the fresh bruises, soothing the ache. He wouldn't let go of you until you had caught your breath, soothing you by caressing your aching boding and playing with your hair.

Of all his victories, you were his favourite.

― ♡⸝⸝ NEUVILLETTE + missionary

Sex with Neuvillette was mostly gentle, love-making to be exact. He took well care of you and your body, always making sure you were enjoying yourself; not that he needed to do, everything he did to your body was simply out of this world.

Spreading your thighs apart and lining himself with your entrance, he would kiss you, a kiss so passionate and so lustful it had some sort of hold on you. As your tongues engaged in a slow dance, he pushed inside slowly, stretching you out gently as to not inflict any pain upon you. As you flicnhed and whimpered beneath him, he would caress your cheek and press his forehead agaisnt yours, comforting you as you took his length in.

"You're doing good, sweetheart, as good as you feel."

Eyes locked, one little nod from you was all he needed to continue the deed. He held his body up with his forearm, his hand holding your head, fingers tangled in your hair. His other hand would hold your hip, grabbing and squeezing your soft skin. His touch was warm, filled with love, making both your heart and core flutter with every physical contact.

As he thrust into you, slow and steady, he trapped your lips in yet another langourous kiss. Your lips would never be apart, either him or you would pull the other into a kiss. It was basicly a need for you two to kiss while enjoying each other's bodies, engulfing in each other's love.

Your hands would be wrapped around his body or neck, hugging him, pulling him towards you, needing to feel his warmth. You would place kisses on his shoulders and cheeks, loving him, adoring him, encouraging him onwards.

Intimacy was very important to you, you needed to feel each other, your bodies needed to connect, to become one. You would always be grabbing the other's body in any way possible, desperately trying to give them all your love. You desired each other, evident by how you adored each other's bodies with butterfly kisses, marks and lustful looks.

Skin slapping agaisnt skin, the sound of his dick pushing into your wet hole,your bodies burning, ready to combust together; everything was guiding you, pushing you towards release.

As his mouvements become sloppier, his groans and moans growing louder along with yours, you took his face into your hands and pulled him into a kiss, your lips crashing together with force, forcing your breathes out of you. Such a feverous kiss was enough to send you both spiraling into bliss. As he felt his dick throb inside of you, he pulled out, grinding agaisnt your sensitive folds and clit, his cum spurting out onto your body. You swallowed each other's moans down, not letting go until everything was over.

Pulling you into a hug, you would lay there together, catching your breathes. You would caress his hair and face, admiring the flushed yet relaxed expression on his face. He would place kisses on your forehead, rubbing your back comfortingly.

"Je t'aime, ma chérie."

― ♡⸝⸝ ALHAITHAM + reverse cowgirl, sitting

With his new title of Acting Grand Sage, Alhaitham was always very busy, sitting on his desk, papers and scripts in hand. Thanks to his awful habit of overworking himself, you had foud yourself sitting on his lap on multiple occasions at late hours, including ones where your needy body screamed for attention. One thing led to another, and you'd discover the pleasure of riding him while he sat at his desk.

Hands resting on the desk before you, helping you keep your balance as you lifted your butt from his body only for it to come wiggling back down, his dick being entirely taken up into your pussy. Your feet on the ground, your body help up by the tips of your toes as you bounced on his dick. It was quite the exercise, that combined with the pleasure made your legs get shaky rapidly.

He would try to stay focused on his work as you satisfied yourself, used him for your pleasure, but he could never keep up the uninterested act and would end up replacing the papers in his hands with your hips, meddling the soft skin as you brought the both of you to heaven.

He loved sitting back and just enjoy you, guiding you with his hands up and down, head falling back as pleased sighs and moans escaped his throat. His eyes could intenly watch your ass bounce, the way it moved when your hips crashed down onto his. It mesmerized him; it's beauty, it's shape, it's softness, he loved everything about it and couldn't keep his hands off of it.

As much as he loved having you ride him, it was tiresome for your body, and you'd find yourself losing rythm, sometimes even stopping dead.

"Is that all you got?"

His fingers would snake aorund your body, coming around to rub circles into your clit, sending shockwaves throught all of your body as if he was powering you back up. With new found strength and adrenaline, you ignored your aching legs and continued bouncing, hips coming down onto him faster and harder, his dick hitting the furthest corners of your hole.

Not being totally selfish, he'd help you by thrusting up itno you as you came bakc down, enhacing the sensations and making the knot in your belly grow tighter with each perfect stroke.

With his nails sinking into your hips, he'd continue forcing your body up and down on his cock as you came, your head falling forwards as you moaned and cursed. Stilling not too far into your cunt, his cum shot out of his dick and onto your walls, your hole leaking from the amount.

He loved spreading your folds after he pulled out, watching you drip onto his thigh and floor.

"Such a good cumslut."

© wrayah, 2024

[sakiofwaterdeep]

Heyy! (⁠づ⁠｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡⁠)⁠づ

I just read your Astarion fic and it's great! It's only one, though.. and I'm hungry for more.. MORE, I SAY! MORE! ♡⁠(⁠˃͈⁠ ⁠દ⁠ ⁠˂͈⁠ ⁠༶⁠ ⁠)

Can you do Astarion with a soft and gentle fem/gn Tav please? •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀ Like, imagine having a soft and gentle Tav and because of this, Astarion can be a teeny bit sass and mean to her.. IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR FIRST ASTARION FIC! I'M KINDA IN LOVE WITH IT ʕ⁠´⁠•⁠ ⁠ᴥ⁠•̥⁠`⁠ʔ.. but what if the tadpole gave him insight of Tav's life.. and he be like, "oh dang.." ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ

SORRY, IF IT'S KINDA REDUNDANT! IT COULD BE JUST A PART 2 OF YOUR FIRST ASTARION FIC ༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

ur wish is my command <3

(tw - hints to sad backstory )

the campfire crackles and pops, lighting up the camp as everyone sits by themselves, doing their own things. well, apart from astarion - he's completely putting all his focus into looking at you.

currently you're sat with scratch, laughing as the dog playfights with you. astarions eyes are staring into you, he's trying to figure you out. he's trying to figure out how no matter what you are always kind to others, to random strangers and most of all to him - even after the things he's told you that he has done.

earlier that day you had a complete injured stranger you had found by a tree. fixed him up as best as you could, and took him back to his home. of course, astarion had rolled his eyes and asked "why you are wasting time when we could be on the way to baldurs gate right now?" but you ignored his sass and helped this stranger.

scratch lifts his head from your touch and looks up at astarion who's still staring at you, to which you follow scratch's gaze. astarion is quick and swift, quickly looking down at his book before you had met his gaze but you already know.

"go on boy" you say, throwing his ball to shadowheart, "go get"

scratch runs off with a happy bark as you stand up form your kneeling position, striding over to astarion with a small smirk on your lips, "you were staring"

"i was not staring darling, dont flatter yourself" he lies through his teeth, pretending to read his book, turning the page. you notice he looks - annoyed? at you?

putting your hand on his book, you close it shut and gently take it from him, to which he feigns a exasperated sigh and looks up at you, "yes, my dear?" his 'my, dear' sounding sarcastic but his sarcasm doesn't bother you.

"whats bothering you as something clearly is, and i think that something is me, so speak, please" you say gently - gently. you're always gentle, and why? for what?

"its just-" astarion pauses, letting another sigh, "you're always too nice, too sweet, i dont understand, what for?"

you pause for a moment, biting your lip before looking back into astarions eyes. using the tadpole, opening a way for astarion to look into your mind you speak, "...connect to mind"

and astarion hesitates for a moment, but the look you're giving him lets him know its alright. he connects with your tadpole and slowly the reason upon your politeness and kindness towards anybody reveals itself to him. horrible things happened to you, on parr with his history of cazador.

severing the connection, astarion shakes his head lightly to get back in the moment. his face has fallen into a sadder expression yet his eyes softer looking at you. "i-.." for once, he has no words.

yet there you after, even after revealing the true horrors of your past, your face is kind and your eyes are gentle, "its alright" your voice soft.

"i...had no idea" astarion says, his voice low, he's reflecting on his actions, you can tell "thank you. thank you for showing me"

"yeah, its alright. i just, dont want to treat people the way i was treated" your voice is soft, and quiet but it's evident you're a bit upset, astarion is quick to catch onto that.

and it's not like you and astarion haven't hugged once or twice before, infact the two of you had done heavier stuff than that not long ago, but feeling his arms wrap around your waist before you have any chance to say or move is surprising, but nonetheless, welcoming.

a smile graces your lips, your body flushes with a warm happiness, arms quick to wrap around his neck holding him in return.

"but, seriously darling, we do not need to stop for every person you see on the side of the road" he quips, his usual sassiness coming back to which you chuckle in response.

"no" astarion can't fight the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

[shinesurge]

Webcomic rings run by people within the community are cool and you should support them

I've been loudly struggling a little bit with corporate webcomic Stuff lately so I want to mention something positive to balance it out: webrings run by small groups of creators earnestly trying to support each other are slowly making a comeback and I for one am delighted.

If you weren't around for them in the before times, webrings were just some folks who hang out a lot who feature each other on their websites. That's literally it lmao. There's generally no money involved and it only really functions the way it's supposed to if people have control over their own websites AND genuinely want to participate and get excited about other folks' work, which means the practice has pretty well fallen by the wayside over the years in webcomic culture given. Everything. In the rare event someone decides to do something like this it's usually in the form of a link list somewhere on their website; this doesn't usually indicate any sort of mutual support, it's just a list of what the creator is reading themselves.

A webring, though, is an official banner or hub that people gather under intentionally where each member is more or less on equal footing. It's essentially the concept of "a rising tide lifts all boats" put into practice, each creator brings their own audience to the table in a passive, opt-in sort of way that's different from working for a publisher since there isn't necessarily a Top Spot or a paycheck everyone's vying for, and individuals retain autonomy over both their own work and how (if) they promote each other. You're all at your own tables in an artist alley rather than fighting over the table in the front of the book store, essentially.

I have two rings and one collective for you today!

Webcomic Ring was brought to my attention AGES ago by Holly, one of the artists featured there, and I might have brought it up at some point but I'm doing it again lmao. This is exactly the kind of thing you ought to be looking for; a small group of enthusiastic folks having a good time making their weird little comics. You probably haven't heard of much in the catalog, that's PERFECT in the context of webcomics that's where the GOOD SHIT is. Finding something like this is A Gift go dig around in the longboxes for a while.

Then a few people have pointed me in the direction of the KNIFEBEETLE collective and that's neat too! Most of the comics there are already fairly well-known, but the vibes are excellent and I haven't seen a lot of talk about the collective /itself/ outside folks already in the know. I think it's important for this sort of thing to be more visible to folks who aren't terminally steeped in webcomic culture already so here I am telling you about it. You were probably reading several of these before I suggested it, but that's how a webring works! For it to do its job you should take those bigger creators' tacit recommendation of the less popular titles as a sign to go read something new and strange. Wild, I know these are practices held over from the old internet, but I think we should try and bring them back.

Lastly, I want to mention Spiderforest, which is a collective (slightly different from a webring) BUT still a very cool project readers starved for new stuff should pay attention to.

You've probably seen Spiderforest kicking around for a long time already; they're wonderful and have always been an overall positive force in the community in my experience. They really focus on building up a community, and especially welcoming newcomers and helping them get their feet under them. Full disclosure, I've been asked to apply by a few different folks over the years and the only reason I never did is I don't have the ability to participate in their forums and such as frequently as they want their creators to; it's a very good system (from my outside perspective) that might contribute to the community staying mostly healthy in ways that art communities usually don't and I appreciate it a lot!

ANYWAYS that's all I got for now, just trying to balance out some bad feelings I've been having by talking about some good stuff. Please go binge an archive this week.

[bugslaststraw]

Ugh I explained this to Nat before but that was a vm and now I have to try to put it into text lol. Bear with me. Spoilers for Sonic 3 below...

So like Okay, original game Robotnik has that "machines are better than people and I love them and I hate people" thing going on. And movie universe Jimbotnik does the same thing right. Except his reasons for preferring machines are a little weird? To say the least.

When most people aspire to the perfection of the blessed machine they tend to focus on how machines are perfect because they aren't saddled with those pathetic human emotions, and how they're stronger and smarter and more perfect and all that. And like. There are elements of that with movie Robotnik don't get me wrong, he bullies Sonic for loving his friends, but we all know that's bullshit because his actual personality complex trauma thing stems entirely from being hurt that people don't like him? and nobody's ever genuinely cared about him enough to not betray/leave him, as we learned in movie 3. Daddy issues, et cetera.

The actual first reason he gives for why he prefers his robots, in movie 1, is that they do what they're told and they never need time off to go do stuff other than what they're told. What's worse is that he outright ignores the part about machines that don't line up with what he is. Machines are cold unfeeling things right? And Robotnik is a madman, just complete ditz entirely controlled by his emotions. He's all over the place. So obviously that isn't why he actually likes them. Nor does it seem to be because they're smarter or stronger.

Now all this wouldn't quite have clicked in my head and started forming a pattern, if I hadn't spent half a day getting ahold of reading the movie novelizations lol, they're not good exactly but they aren't bad either (not exactly) and they have this really interesting. Detail. Take. Choice, even, that stood out to me. In the novels we get exactly zero scenes written from Agent Stone's perspective. So he's entirely filtered through Robotnik as we see him. And, like. Robotnik ascribes? Robotic traits to him? That he straight up doesn't have?

This being the most infamous example... But it happens again at least once, which is a lot for the novels cus they're short as hell, where (from Botnik's pov) Stone takes on this more mechanical tone when talking to him or being around him, that he seems to like or prefer/speak positively of. Okay. Weird, homoerotic, but not entirely out of character.

It did make me think though. If Robotnik is kind of loose about why he actually likes machines. But is still adamant that they're good and humans are bad... And what he actually likes about them seems to be that they're... Loyal? I think. And they do what they're told. And they don't need time off to see their families and get laid and leave him alone I'm so sorry then. Well.

Those are traits a human being could very well have. For example, his actual human assistant, who's standing right fucking there as he says it. Right? Stone is still all that, he's loyal and he actually likes + is nice to him and he does what he's told and that's why he actually likes him, as we find out in movie 3, right? So.

What I'm saying is when. In the third movie when he says you were the only person who ever blah blah right. And, like, of course he was. Who would want to be loyal to? This dickhead who mostly wants to achieve world domination? Why would you want to do what a villain says? But Robotnik doesn't care about that, he likes being a villain and above that he's just hurt, right, by it all, and doesn't gaf if his own actions affect others so.

So he ascribes robotic traits to Stone not because they're actually there (Stone is professional when talking to others, but far from emotionless, and it is in fact his emotional connection to the dear doctor that makes him as loyal as he is) but. Rather because in his mind, Stone is on the same level as a robot, because he has the same traits that Robotnik actually. Likes about his robots. That mainly being loyalty, I think.

And, well. In the third movie granpappy Geralt hacks those robots of his and makes them stop obeying him, doesn't he. Not even they were entirely loyal by the end, much like Geralt himself, right?

You can't hack a human being, though.

Anyway. Keep your heads up, okay? I'm like. 99% sure Robotnik is fine (fight me in the comments I guess) and I tend to be good at predicting this stuff so he'll be back one way or another. Jim Carrey officially un-retired, the space station time travel thing is still an active theory, and they can't just fucking kill Eggman guys, come on. Cheers!🥂

[justalost4girl]

ONE

This fanfic is part of my Taylor Swift coded fanfics. word count: 3186

A girl walks onto the stage with a guitar in hand and a smile on her face.

She greets the band, and they greet her back. The shy girl thanks everyone for coming tonight.

Natasha Romanoff grips her glass tighter and orders another shot of whiskey without looking at the bartender, as she can't take her eyes off of you.

✧ ˚ 　· 　　 .

One year earlier…

She finds you at the café. Natasha hates cafés, but she knows your company's head of security comes at the end of every period to get coffee with you; it's been like this for two weeks.

But today, you're alone at a table, and Natasha needs to adjust the plan. She goes to the counter and orders a cappuccino—the same as yours—and looks for a place to sit.

Your eyes meet hers, and for a moment, the redhead ignores the hot cup she's carrying.

You're beautiful

And shy.

Natasha recalls your file and smiles. You were exactly as Skye had described. She sees a chance to approach in the crowded room and clears her throat; she's done this before but feels the need to focus.

"Can I sit with you?" A soft voice pulls you out of the stupor you entered when you looked into those deep green eyes. Eyes that could inspire symphonies, and you believe she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, and your brain can't do more than nod, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

She sits beside you, not in front of you, waiting to analyze your computer. The file didn't mention the software you use, so it's up to her to find out before your friend arrives. She positions her coffee well so her field of vision can see anything that appears on the screen.

"I'm pretty sure I've seen you around here; do you live nearby?" She asks, trying to break the ice as usual, but deep down, she feels strange under your contemplative gaze.

"Yes, I live in the building across from Luthor Corp and work there." Your voice shows pride, and your eyes sparkle, Natasha notices. She wonders if you know what your colleague has been developing and the true nature of your boss.

"And you? I don't think I've seen you around here before," you seem genuinely interested. Natasha likes that. Targets are easy, but you are very easy; with just a few words, she already knows where you live and work. For a security analyst, you are far too naive.

And she puts the plan into practice.

"I just moved to the end of the block. There are so many boxes… I needed the coffee to give me energy." She says with an extremely calculated tone. You smile and notice that she has a beautiful corner smile and really seems tired, so you offer to help.

You always offer to help strangers.

And Natasha celebrates the success of the plan while taking a sip of coffee and leaning toward you, complimenting your screensaver. While you give her an excited explanation, she takes the opportunity to see the type of software used and memorizes the access password when you unlock the computer to show how the galaxy theme expands on your computer.

You exchange names.

She's Natalie. Nickname? Nat. The redhead shares similar tastes to yours, and something tells you that coming here alone was the best choice. After all, Nat would never look at you if Luke were around.

You also have a name, but everyone calls you Newton. In honor of your favorite physicist. A development assistant in the security sector with a desk always organizedly messy, in your words. Your boss, Luke, didn't come today because he had an emergency meeting and gave you the afternoon off. Natasha makes a mental note to understand this.

He didn't have any meetings scheduled.

As the coffee finishes, Nat guides you to her house. You stretch your back and even tie your hair up to help with the boxes. Then, you feel a bit disappointed to find there are only two, but you don't complain.

You never complain.

Natasha watches you help organize the books in the living room, chattering away about how you've read most of them and your opinions. You don't notice, however, that they show no signs of use, and amidst some jokes, for a minute Natasha forgets about the mission. Being with you is comfy.

"Wanna order pizza? I know a good place." You ask, sitting on her floor. Your jacket, backpack, and shoes are at the door. She liked how you took off your shoes to enter her house. It's a sign of respect, you say. The file points out the numerous k-dramas evaluated in your account, but she doesn't comment and even finds it adorable. She finds you adorable. Period.

"Sure, but only if you agree to watch something before we go and let me pay for the snack. You were my hero today." Nat smiles, and all that crosses your mind is how random your luck is. Here, sitting on this floor with the most beautiful woman you've ever met in front of you, the word destiny has a new meaning.

She gives you yoga pants and an oversized Star Wars shirt, your favorite saga, to make yourself comfortable. The pizza arrives while you're changing, and she can't use your laptop, but that loses its importance when your heart warms seeing you wear clothes she bought just for you. You feel like you're in heaven for finding someone as big a Star Wars fan as you, because that shirt was only available by order. Everything seems too perfect, you think, but the thought flies when you find out the theory of olives applies to both of you.

Natasha puts on your favorite movie from the franchise, and what was supposed to be just one movie becomes a marathon. She knows all the lines and jokes from each movie, knows curiosities and book details, and that makes you ignore your phone all night.

That night, you fall asleep on the couch.

The sun hits the window, and the redhead opens her eyes and sees you. Your arms are by your side, but Natasha is practically in your lap. Even in a deep sleep, you respect her too much to touch her.

Natasha is distracted for a moment and wonders how much of a spy she was last night. Here and now, looking at your lips in a half smile and your messy hair. Natasha almost feels bad for getting into this mission.

Almost.

She shakes her head and carefully gets off the couch and goes to your backpack, finding a black-covered book and the laptop. The goal? Install a spy program on the laptop. The problem? Natasha's curiosity gets the best of her, and she opens the book.

Your song lyrics, drawing attempts, and poems are a world for her to explore, and only after ten minutes, Natasha remembers the mission. She plugs in a device, pockets it, and waits for the installation, but when the progress bar is only halfway, your alarm goes off, and Natasha has to improvise.

Two minutes until the program is complete.

"Hello there," she says, smiling softly, throwing herself on top of you.

"Ah, now you're Obi-Wan? I thought you were Jar Jar Binks," you say, rubbing your eye and laughing at her offended expression.

Natasha rolls her eyes and starts a tickle war. You squirm, and she lets herself spin on the couch, ending up underneath you.

"Okay, okay, truce. You're not Jar Jar. You're the face anyone would turn to the dark side for," you say, feeling an unexpected courage.

"Does that go for you, Newton?" Natasha says softly, her eyes fixed on yours, her gaze alternating between your lips and your eyes in an almost hypnotizing manner.

"That goes for me, Nat," you whisper, looking at her lips.

You're not sure who initiated the kiss first, but you like to think it was both. The world seems to stop as your lips meet, each touch filled with emotions and suppressed desires. For you, it's a moment of pure magic and connection, an unexpected paradise. For Natasha, it's a reminder of what she could lose, a conflict between duty and desire.

The day passes slowly. She drags you from the couch to the kitchen for coffee and then back to the couch for a make-out session. Natasha has a dominant and bossy streak, and you feel comfortable and safe beside her, as her hands don’t cross any boundaries and remain on your waist. You try a new recipe, talk about the weather, exchange compliments and kisses. The afternoon arrives, and Luke calls you to the office.

You decide to stop by home first but manage to take one of Natasha's limited edition sweatshirts as a promise to meet again soon.

Natasha leaves you at the door smiling like she hasn't in a long time. All for the mission, of course. At least that's what she wants to believe.

She doesn't realize she forgot to send the report to Fury.

You don't realize your laptop is on in the backpack.

Nat is different from any woman you've ever met.

Not that you've met many.

No, but Nat is different. She's kind. She's everything you could ask for in a person. Nat is too good to be true.

"Newton is smiling today?" Luke says, approaching your desk.

"I found my soulmate at the café yesterday," you say, eyes sparkling.

"Really? What's she like?" he asks, placing some files on your desk.

You describe everything, from her appearance to shared tastes, and he smiles like he does with clients.

"Send me the code by 5 p.m., then you can go see your future wife," he says, typing something on his phone and leaving.

You smile and grab your laptop. It's almost dead and turned on. You find it strange but don't question it; after all, the computer is still locked. The memory of Nat's eyes brings you more inspiration, and you jot down about the new shade of green where you found peace.

The afternoon passes in a blur, the leaves fall, and you finally finish the code. Luke is nowhere to be found, something about an urgent meeting, and you decide to send the code by email.

Natasha is at home, with full access to your computer, celebrating the success of the plan. The virus will accompany the file. Luke will open it on the corporate computer, and she can finish the mission. She watches you through the camera, and Natasha misses you for a moment. You are a beautiful collateral damage. Too kind. Too captivating.

She knows it's wrong, but she lets the idea linger in her mind for more than a minute.

Natasha sighed as she shut down the laptop, feeling the weight of the decision she had made. She glanced at the phone screen, hesitant for a moment before typing a quick message to Newton.

"Miss you, come over?" she typed, her fingers hesitating over the keys. It was the first time in a long time that she allowed herself to be true.

"On my way, General Romanoff," you reply, making your usual path with a smile on your face.

☆。*。☆。 Eight months earlier…

One night, as the soft moonlight filtered through the curtains, you were sitting on the couch beside Natasha. She was flipping through your lyric notebook, and after much persuasion, she managed to convince you to sing one of your songs. With a shy smile, your voice filled the room, bringing life to the carefully crafted words.

Natasha watched you with admiration, her eyes sparkling with each note. When you finished, she applauded enthusiastically.

"You have an incredible voice, you know? You should leave this field and sing in a bar. Become famous and rich," Natasha suggested, excitement gleaming in her eyes.

You laughed, shaking your head. "Maybe someday. But if I do, will you promise to be there?"

Natasha took your hand and looked directly into your eyes. "I wouldn't miss any of your shows for anything in this world," she said sincerely.

Later that night, after waking from a nightmare and seeing Natasha, who was now lying on her side, her hair spread across the pillow, you took a deep breath.

Focusing on the woman beside you, you felt a mix of tenderness and curiosity as you admired the peace on her face. Her gentle features seemed even kinder in the quiet of the moment.

Natasha breathed calmly in peaceful sleep, immersed in a world of tranquility that contrasted with the turmoil of your own thoughts.

For a moment, you wondered about the thoughts Natasha kept, about what she dreamed and what made her smile in the silence of that rest. There was something intriguing about the way she moved in the world, near you, an aura of mystery and serenity that deeply attracted you.

You were in love; you felt it intensely and quickly. And for the first time in your life, you felt that this love was mutual. You lay down beside her, lightly touching Natasha's lips with a kiss. She slowly opened her eyes, meeting yours with a gentle shine of surprise and care.

"Nat," you started, feeling your heart racing with emotion overflowing in your words. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

A radiant smile formed on her lips, her eyes reflecting tenderness and joy. She nodded slightly, without saying a word, but making it clear that her answer was yes.

☆。*。☆。 Six months earlier…

You walked out of the office with firm steps, Luke by your side. For the first time in months, he mentioned it was for security measures, and you didn't mind, too excited to introduce your oldest friend to your girlfriend. The usual café was just a few meters away, and Natasha, watching from afar, noticed the smile on Newton's face as she entered the establishment.

"Hello there!" You exclaimed eagerly upon seeing Natasha, who smiled back warmly as she greeted you. "You're here! I missed you," Natasha said, warmly embracing you. She caught the familiar scent of Newton and momentarily lost herself in the comforting sensation.

"Yes, and accompanied this time. Nat, this is Luke. Luke, this is Natalie," you introduced them, your eyes shining with affection for Nat, your girlfriend.

"Natalie! You're as beautiful as she said," Luke complimented Natasha with a gallant air, earning a playful eye-roll from Newton. Natasha noted the dynamic between the two, the way Luke enjoyed subtly teasing her.

"Maybe Newton is onto something after all," Natasha replied, laughing softly as she observed Newton and Luke interact.

Luke was at ease, responding to Natasha's light questions with calculated calm. He didn't reveal much personal information, maintaining a professional and careful demeanor in his responses. Natasha tried to probe him about his work and interests, but Luke skillfully deflected, keeping the conversation on superficial topics.

During a momentary pause, Luke received a call on his cell phone. He discreetly stepped away to answer it, while you and Nat continued chatting. A few minutes later, Luke returned with a serious expression.

"Newton," Luke began, catching both your attention. "I just received an important call. We need to prepare for a trip to Seattle in a week. We have a client that requires our personal attention. We'll be there for a month."

You nodded, feeling the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. Natasha couldn't contain her excitement upon hearing about the trip. It was the perfect opportunity to gather evidence against Luke's criminal activities. She spoke with anticipation in her eyes. "That's great! I'd love to come along, if possible."

Luke seemed surprised by Natasha's suggestion, his gaze becoming more cautious. "Natalie, I'm not sure if…"

"I have family there, I don't need to know many details, I just didn't want to be away from Newton," Natasha said persuasively, while Luke looked at her with a wary gaze.

You smiled at Nat and kissed her gently. "Of course, you can come, right Luke?"

Luke nodded resignedly but with a faint smile. "Alright, then get ready for the trip."

While observing the tension in his voice, you recalled how meticulous he had been with security recently. First, insisting on buying a new computer for you, claiming it was safer and more efficient. Then, personally supervising the building's security system update. At the time, you thought it was just part of his protective nature as head of security. Now, however, looking at him, there was something in his behavior that made you wonder if he was hiding something.

The idea of betraying you was unbearable. If only she could find something to justify her mission, she could decide what to do next. She could stop everything, tell you the truth, and run away to Greece, or anywhere far from here.

On the flight, Natasha kept herself discreet, but every glance exchanged between you two left her more conflicted. You were excited about the trip, unaware of the internal turmoil Natasha was facing. She wanted to protect you, but how could she do that when she herself was the threat?

Upon arriving at the destination, Natasha checked into the same hotel as you, but Luke made sure she had no access to the meetings. He was vigilant, observing every interaction between you. You, on the other hand, seemed happy with the opportunity to explore the city alongside Natasha, oblivious to her true intentions.

Every night, as you fell asleep, Natasha stayed awake, lost in thought. She looked at you, feeling a mixture of tenderness and guilt. She knew she needed to act, to find something that would change everything. But until that happened, she stayed by your side, cherishing the time she still had.

Natasha Romanoff had no idea she wasn't the only one playing this game.

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Two - July 9, 2024

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Comments are appreciated :)

[the-witty-pen-name]

Love is Blind Part 4

Eddie Munson x PlusSize!F!Reader

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: 18+ ONLY MINORS DNI - kissing, smut, vaginal fingering, body worship, praise

Story Warnings: reader has low self-esteem and struggles with self love/acceptance, anxiety/trauma related to bullying, cursing, substance use mention

Summary: In a last ditch effort to evade the normal disappointments of dating, a group of misfits desperate to have someone see who they are on the inside volunteer for the most recent brain chemistry study at Hawkins Lab. 

A/N: If I forgot to tag something, please let me know! I'm so sorry for the wait, I hope you enjoy. Please consider reblogging if you like it! Thank you for reading!

Series Masterlist

Final Day

The moment Eddie can finally look at you will be less than ideal. Both of you, hooked up to whatever weird machine while technicians monitor your brain waves or whatever- Eddie really wasn’t paying attention at all to what they were telling him. He couldn’t give less of a shit if he tried as they were explaining the next segment. Once they recorded the initial reactions, you all were free to go. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to control himself. 

He’s sitting in an exam room, with a window looking into another. It seems as though they’ll bring you into the opposite room and he’s feeling slightly deflated that he won’t be able to talk to you right away. 

He’s sitting with his legs partially spread apart, resting back on his hands on the exam bed.  He’s letting them attach some small patch to the side of his forehead. He's tapping his foot anxiously, and he’s trying his hardest to play it cool and he’s positive he’s failing miserably. 

He overthought everything trying to make it back to the lab on time this morning. He couldn’t decide on clothes or his hair or literally anything, down to the way he was going to sit when you walked in. He settled on his usual, it’s not like he had dress clothes anyways. He’s staring intently at the empty exam room across from him, absolutely dying that you aren’t there. He watches as the door opens. Several lab assistants carry in equipment and one pulls the curtain shut. Eddie doesn’t realize he yelled until he sees the assistants in the room stare at him with wide eyes. He quickly apologizes and runs a hand through his hair, trying to calm his nerves. 

You feel chills run down your body as they work on getting you set up to the machinery. You keep anxiously staring at the pulled curtain, and you can hardly think straight knowing Eddie is on the other side. It’s no different, you try to tell yourself to calm your nerves. It’s you in one room, Eddie in the other, just like it’s been all week. Except now, you can look, but can’t talk. You feel your palms sweat and you do your best to just take deep breaths to try to calm down how fast your heart is beating. 

“So, when we’re ready for observation, we’ll pull the curtain. We’ll be monitoring your brain activity for a minute or so, then we’ll send you on your way,” a woman explains to you, and you nod, understandingly. You sit up straighter, and roll your shoulders back. You can’t let yourself allow any insecurity to seep in and ruin this moment. You try to focus your mind solely on how excited you are to see Eddie. And how in less than a few minutes, you’ll actually be standing in his proximity. 

Eddie is practically jumping out of his skin in anticipation. His mouth feels dry and he feels like his entire body is overheating from the stark white lights of the exam room. He taps his fingers on his lap, focusing on a loose thread on the tear of his jeans, when they tell him they’re ready to begin. Nothing can truly put into words how he felt when they began to pull the curtain back. 

His breath hitches when he finally is able to look at you. First, he finds your eyes and he can’t stop smiling. He winks at you playfully from the other room and you feel like your body is on fire. He greedily lets his eyes look you up and down, and you see him mouth “Ho-ly shit.” Emphasizing the syllables so you can understand. 

He can’t stop staring, desperate to take in all of the details of you like he’s making up for lost time. He was feeling overwhelmed. He bites his lip, raking his eyes over every part of you. He looks completely pained, like he’s being restrained. You can’t help but notice he looks tortured, as his eyes look into yours with such extreme desperation. He feels like he might spontaneously combust if he needs to wait one more minute to touch you. 

You’re beyond anything he could’ve imagined. He’s practically drooling, staring at you like a lovesick fool. Fuck anyone, he thinks, who made you think you were anything less the fucking sexiest woman alive. 

You’re rendered speechless as you take him in. His hair, his tattoos, the rings… Fuck, he’s so gorgeous. He feels like he might spontaneously combust if he needs to wait one more minute to touch you. You eyes can’t focus, so motivated to just memorize every detail you can commit to memory- like somehow he’s going to be back behind the wall again.   

Eddie couldn’t control himself. You saw the way his eyes raked over you and it made you feel warm from a giddy nervousness. He let himself admire every single inch of you that he could see. He felt like it was the shortest couple of minutes he’s ever been subject to, and as the techs finished up,  he’s practically jumping out of his seat with the equipment partially detached. 

You feel like your heart might beat out of your chest as you practically feel the pulse throughout your whole body. You’re so intensely staring, taking in the sight of him. He’s absolutely beautiful- and you're wondering to yourself how the hell a guy as good looking as him ended up here. You’re also fidgety as they work to take the equipment away, but are doing better composing yourself than Eddie. You can’t help but find it endearing as he tries to hurriedly untangle himself from the wires, frantically trying to get to you. 

The technicians lead you out separately, both of you exiting from the separate doors you’ve left from during the whole experiment. The back door slams behind you as you make your final exit, and you begin to walk around the parking lot to see where he is. Eddie, leaving from the opposite side of the building, had the same idea to wander- meaning you both are aimlessly searching for one another not realizing you're both moving away from each other. 

There’s this van you stumble across and it perfectly matches the way Eddie described it. The decorations you could see through the windshield solidified in your mind that it was Eddie’s. You feel a little stupid, smiling at the rundown van. It’s just such a surreal feeling being in the vicinity of it- seeing that it’s real. You don’t know how to describe it. You lean up against the side door, patiently waiting for him to return. 

As Eddie turns the corner, he thinks he might pass out at the sight of you waiting for him against the van. His breath hitches at the sight of you, unfiltered, leaning up against his van because you already know him well enough to pick it out from the parking lot. It feels so surreal, and he feels like he’s in one of those cheesy rom coms but he finally gets it. 

“Hey stranger,” he calls out, walking over to you with a big grin. You can’t help but match his big smile when you see him. You feel warmth and butterflies spread throughout your whole body and then hit you all at once as he strides over confidently. 

You begin to open your mouth to reply with some witty response, but before you can register it, his hands are cupping both sides of your jaw and he kisses you. It’s tender and it’s the kind of kiss that you can feel yourself melting into. It felt like everything he’s told you this past week translated into action. It’s passionate, but he’s surprisingly gentle. He pulls away, still holding your face as his eyes observe your every feature.

“I’ve wanted to do that since Monday,” he sighs, and you nod in agreement.

“Me too.” 

“God, look at you,” he observes, taking one step back and moving to hold your hands. “You’re fucking stunning,” he affirms, pulling you back towards him so he can wrap his arms around you for another kiss. 

“Shit, I don’t even know what to do with myself,” he chuckles when you need to pull away for air. He rests his forehead to yours as you both take a breath. “Fuck me, how did I get this lucky?”

“You?” You exclaim with a giggle, “I mean, shit, Eddie, look at you.” 

He blushes, and it’s probably the best thing you’ve seen. This metal head adorned with rings, chains, tattoos is red in the face because of you. You haven’t been just overwhelmed with affection like this, and it’s entirely intoxicating. Your head is spinning as you take in how he looks at you. You can’t help but shiver when you feel his hands rest on your sides and he rubs absentmindedly the skin just above the waist of your pants under the hem of your shirt. 

He’s kissing you again and the sensation of it all is almost too much. He’s so giving. His body presses your back against the side of the van and his tall body slots against yours and for some reason you’ve never felt more safe. You don’t hear anything else but his soft breaths and moans, and you can’t smell more than his cologne and shampoo and all of your senses are working overtime to just take it all in. You’re filling in the missing pieces of him that have so far been kept away. 

Neither one of you wanted to let the moment end, because you both understand how it might be strange navigating life, and what it means for the two of you, after the experiment. Is there a label for what this is? The intimacy you both feel has far surpassed the perimeters of normal dating and it feels like you're past that stage, but at the same time, you haven’t even shared physical space. You don’t know what his world looks like, and how you would fit into it. It was so easy when it was just the two of you, but what is this going to look like now? 

You decide to let those thoughts subside, and focus instead on this absolutely gorgeous guy who’s obsessed with you and touching you. You let yourself focus on the feeling of the pads of his fingertips as they ignite your skin, not caring enough about the “problem areas” you usually fixate on. You allow yourself to completely surrender to his touches. 

“Should we move this somewhere else maybe?” you ask, breathlessly- pulling away reluctantly. He kisses your shoulder, giving you goosebumps. You can feel his smile, warm against your skin. “You’re so soft,” he marvels, seemingly not hearing your suggestion. 

“Should we go somewhere?” you giggle, and he kisses your cheek. He nods in agreement. He grabs your hand and walks you over to the passenger door. He opens it for you, and helps you as you step up into it. You don’t say anything, but you smile to yourself- it was the first time a guy held the door for you in a long time. 

“Okay so I have no idea what the fuck to do,” he exclaims, cracking his knuckles as he sits in the driver’s seat. He laughs at the absurdness of the situation. He feels jumpy, overwhelmed in the best way possible. “I haven’t done this before,” he jokes and you roll your eyes. 

“I mean, we can go to my apartment?” you offer as he starts the engine, and you’re both immediately met with blaring music as the van turns on. It makes you jump a little. His cheeks are flushed, turning down the volume, he apologizes. You wave your hand nonchalantly and tell him not to worry about it.

It takes a little strength to get the van moving, and you admire the way his arms flex. It’s the way he doesn’t even realize how attractive he is that astounds you the most. Once both of you are on the road and the windows are down, you’re just witnessing the beautiful sight of him- long hair getting tousled from the breeze, his profile as he nods along to the song playing, his long fingers tapping on the steering wheel- it’s enough to make you breathless. 

The third floor apartment isn’t much, but Eddie is just basking in being in a space that just feels like he’s surrounded by you. It’s a little window into your mind, and he’s like a little kid as he moves around, touching everything. Your photographs, records, little trinkets, books… he zones out taking it all in and he can’t look through it all fast enough. You’re just so happy you decided to tidy up. 

“If you think the stuff in here is cool, you should see in here,” you tease, leaning against the doorframe of your bedroom. Eddie thinks he might pass out when his eyes land on how your curve is accentuated by your stance. You don’t even realize it’s happening. He strides over to you and simultaneously hooks an arm around your waist and kisses you in a way that makes you dizzy. You're falling over each other, lips locked in a deep kiss as you both stumble to your bed. 

Eddie pulls you into his lap as he sits on the edge of the bed. He’s trailing kisses down your jaw and down your neck, as his hands rest on your hips and he tugs you down fully when he feels you try to hover. Your skirt bunches up your thighs and when you’ve fully settled onto his lap, he can feel your warmth and he moans at the contact. The heat in your body rushes to your core at the roughness of his jeans through your panties. 

“You’re so sexy,” he mumbles against your shoulder in between kisses. He’s savoring the feeling of your thighs pressed against his and the feeling of the wetness as you press against him. He presses his lips to yours again, running his hands under the back of your top to pull it off. As you untangle yourself from the shirt and toss it aside, he does the same with his. After he’s thrown his shirt with yours, his mouth falls open slightly at the sight of you. You observe as his pupils dilate and he takes in a deep breath to calm his heart. 

You take in the sight of the tattoos his shirt covered and you bite your lip as you smile at the sight. He looks like a wreck in the best way. His chest rising and falling rapidly, the flex of his arms, the messy hair- everything about how he looks is just so undeniably attractive. You feel so vulnerable under his intense gaze but in a way that makes you feel desirable. You stand up to wiggle out of your skirt, and you swear his eyes were going to fall out of his pretty head. He’s immediately following your lead- frantically kicking off his jeans. 

“Get back over here,” he groans, looking you up and down. He grabs your hands, pulling you back into him. He falls back on the bed, pulling you on top of him. You’re seated on his bulge that straining against his boxers, and you gasp as he rolls his hips up into yours. You lean down and kiss him, soft moans escaping your lips against his mouth. His hands find their way back to your waist and you gasp as he flips you over onto your back with ease. 

“Fuck, look at you,” he says, “so fucking pretty.” 

He ducks down and kisses you, and your hands tangle in his hair. You tug gently, and he moans at the sensation. His fingers tease the skin just above the waist of your panties before he pulls them to the side. His fingertips gently tease your clit and he bites his lip at your reaction. He can see himself easily becoming addicted to hearing the sweet little sounds you make for him, and just watching how beautiful you look like this. 

“Oh, Eddie…” you moan softly at the sensation.

“I’ve hardly touched you pretty girl,” he says, pressing kisses down your chest and torso as he continues to tease you. You involuntarily move your hips, searching for more of the feeling. He smiles up at you in response before he slowly pulls your panties down. 

Rubbing your leg affectionately, the coolness of his rings makes you shiver. He’s kissing and nipping at the skin of your inner thighs. His mess of curls is a little ticklish but nothing you don’t adore the feeling of. 

He touches you like it’s second nature. It’s like he instinctively knew the perfect places to elicit the filthiest of moans from you. His fingers curl into you knowingly, and you swear no other man has been able to make you feel like this. Previous partners treated this like a chore to rush through, but Eddie’s so content taking his time and observing the way he can make you fall apart at his touch. He’s motivated to make you forget about every asshole who made you think for even a second you deserved less than this. 

 You begin to feel that familiar sensation building up inside of you. You chest rapidly rising and falling, looking down to see Eddie- this fucking beautiful man - between your legs, glistening with sweat as his hair sticks to his forehead, tongue poking out from his lips in concentration. He looks absolutely wrecked and it’s the sexiest thing you think you’ve ever seen. 

“I’m- I’m c-close,” you manage to say between panting breaths. He smirks, and continues his pace of working his fingers in and out of you. He rests your thigh over his shoulder to press kisses of encouragement against your skin, as he mumbles just how badly he needs to see you cum. Every sense becomes too much all at once, and you can’t keep your eyes open as you feel your orgasm crash over you. Your head falls back against the pillows, and your body feels limp. 

“Ready to go again, princess?”

Taglist:

@woahnotmecryingoverafanfiction @ali-r3n @cherrycolas-things @hellfirebabe666 @trixyvixx @stardancerluv @i--wont-run-this-time @mewchiili @muamazon4 @1975lily @sadbitchfangirl @strangerthings36 @fanficfanatic000 @sosawmeinhalf @animechick555 @hellv1ra

[kitashinsukehoney]

Angry Sex - Satan Obey Me

(requested by anon)

TW: MDNI!! Angry sex, rough sex, creampie, choking, spitting, hair pulling, missionary, HOT SATAN, downgrading kink, fingering, overstimulation.

Satan the Wrath Demon. You and him are compatible, and would spend most of your time together reading books, doing research and even doing homework together. He enjoys his time with you as staying home with his brothers has been stressing him out and causing him unable to focus on his studies.

"I can't believe it. He chose Mammon to handle the class event instead of me! Mammon is incapable to do anything but troubles! Lucifer even doubted my whole ability just because I got B in Potion subject!", Satan complained to me. He has been mad about this topic for hours.

"Satan, calm down okay? Your brother wouldn't want to put more burden on your shoulder. Let's think positively", I said to him as I'm arranging new books on the shelf.

"Y/N, you don't understand! You think it's that simple but having someone to doubt your whole ability is suck!", he yelled. At this point, his wrath is creeping up on me, making me mad too.

I slammed the books down on my study table and turned around to look at him.

"I know it's sucks! But getting mad over a small thing is childish, Satan. Plus Mammon is not that bad, he has the ability to handle this event too. You shouldn't be looking down on him when you hate someone does that to you too!", I snapped.

I was hoping he would calm down a bit but he frowned more.

"What did you say, woman?", he uttered as he's changing into his demon form. He took few steps closer to me, and his energy is so intimidating. I didn't ask for this, did I?

"I'm just saying that Mammon wasn't that bad... Plus Asmo is assisting him too. Just hope that the event would be successful", I said while froze. I was so scared, too scared to move because he would've strangle me.

"You're asking for a death wish, woman. You know how many merits i can get from this event? I've been practicing for months only for it to be snatch away from me", he snarled.

He grabbed my hand tightly.

"I thought you're so bold? What happened now? Unable to speak anymore?" he said to me. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and tilted my head so my eyes would meet his gaze.

"Ow! Let me go. You're hurting me", I said.

"This is nothing compared to be replaced by stupid Mammon, woman", he said.

His low and dangerous voice sent shivers to my body.

"I'm sorry... Please", i pleaded. His eyebrows furrowed and he won't budged. Instead of letting me go, he pulled my closer to his body and wrapped his arm around my waist. He smashed his lips onto mine, sucking my lower lips and his hand groped my breast harshly. He was BEING so rough right now. My make up that was done so nicely, smudged as the two of us kissed sloppily.

"Mmmh!", my muffled sound as I'm trying to fight him but failed. He wrapped his other hand around my neck and causing me unable to breath. He wanted to see me break but his wrath is too unbearable. He pulled me harshly towards my bed and pushed me down.

"Fuck this family, fuck those brothers! I'm better than those idiots", he nagged as he stripped off his clothes. He hovered himself over me and leaned in to bite my shoulder, leaving trails of love bites and marks. His hands ripped off my nightgown.

"Satan, don't be so rough", i pleaded. I looked away as I was scared of him when he is in his demon form.

"Oi, eyes on me. Open your mouth", he said. I focused back my gaze on him and obeyed him by opening my mouth. He spat into my mouth and pulled me for a deep sloppy kiss.

He hummed, feeling a bit satisfied.

His hands touched and caressed my naked body underneath him, until his hand arrived at my private part. His fingers rubbed against my heated folds and clit dangerously. As I was whining and squirmed in pleasures, he slapped my pussy.

"Stay still, woman", he snarled. He continues fingering my pussy skillfully. At first he used one finger, then two fingers and now he's using three fingers to prep me.

"Satan! I'm closer", I moaned as I gripped his hair. He groaned slightly but he didn't stop at all. He can feel my pussy clenched around his fingers so securely and smirked.

Instead of letting me cum, he stopped fingering me.

I whined, feeling overstimulated. "No, that's unfair! You're supposed to-", I whined but he shoved the fingers he used earlier into my mouth.

"Taste yourself", he said, taunting me with his wrath. I taste myself, sucking his fingers nicely.

As I was sucking his fingers, he slapped my cheek lightly while uttering, "Good slut listens to her demon. You're a good slut, serving me with this holy pussy that asking to be breed nonstop today".

Without a warning, he shoved himself inside my pussy, and moved in a rough pace. He drove himself angrily while gripping the headboard of my bed hard. My bed creaking crazily and the headboard broke. I gasped but he didn't stopped for a second. He kept on thrusting inside me, using my pussy for himself. He's upset and I'd let him vent his wrath on me through sex.

His hand wrapped around my neck and he pinned my legs to my chest to have a better angle to thrust deeper. I was crying in pleasures, choking and dumbfucked by him.

"Sa...satan, fuck! S-slow it, Ah~", i moaned, choking each words. He was still upset and thrusted harder.

"Love it when I can fuck your pussy angrily like this. You're so pathetic right now", he downgraded me. I kept on moaning and whimpering. His lips latched onto my breast, biting my nipple playfully which completely made me aroused.

My free hands scratched his back, and even dug my nails into his skin. At this point, we're fucking like wolves. His pace getting harsher before he released his thick cum inside me.

He let go his grip from my neck and pulled me in for a kiss.

"Fuck, that sex was good. One more", he said before he started to thrust angrily again, fucking his cum deep into my womb. Maybe I should ask Mammon or Asmo to make him angry again.

Credit to headers: @/dollywons (tumblr)

[the960writers]

The Heroine's Journey

Hello writers, I want to introduce you all to The Heroine’s Journey.

I've pulled this together from an old series of posts I've written for a project at @the-wip-project. There will be homework!

Through general media consumption most of us know about or have at least unknowingly absorbed The Hero’s Journey. I spare you the details, they’re easy to look up, but in the most general sense, lots of very successful stories are set up like this:

The Ordinary World

The Call of Adventure

Refusal of the Call

Meeting the Mentor

Starting the Quest

Tests, Allies, Enemies

Approach the Underworld

The Ordeal

Reward

The Road Back

Recognition

Glory, Reward, and Isolation

If you look at that and think “Star Wars: A New Hope” you got it exactly right. A lot of successful stories are written with these steps in mind. It usually follows a hero, who has to overcome internal and external conflicts to reach their goal.

The lesser known Heroine’s Journey is the equivalent to this but with a focus on connections and relationships. Where the Hero’s Journey is about a lone hero, the Heroine’s Journey is about finding community.

The concept of the Heroine’s Journey is not new but there wasn’t a lot of easy to read literature written about it. But recently, Gail Carriger has written a delightful and educational non-fiction book for writers and readers, called, not surprisingly, The Heroine’s Journey.

The terms Hero and Heroine are gender neutral, for instance the movie Wonder Woman is a Hero’s Journey while a buddy comedy like Man In Black is a Heroine’s Journey (generalizing here).

I like to think about it in terms of found family and friends. These stories are Heroine's journeys, they tell of community building and how we are stronger together. If you think about your WIP and how it can be applied to it, it might just blow your mind. Let me just says those tropes, “found family”, “the gang gets together”, “me and my friends gonna kick your ass” that we all love? Those are all elements of The Heroine’s Journey 😘. Doesn't that sound great?

Just to compare it to the list I made at the beginning of the post, The Heroine's Journey has the following points:

A broken familial network

Heroine's pleas are ignored

Abdication of power

Family offers aid

Subversion and disguise

Find surrogate family

Visit the Underworld, search aided by companions

Information gathering, delegation, networking

Negotiation for reunification

Revenge and Glory are irrelevant

Network established or rebuilt

Let me just put in a graphic here that Gail Carriger provided on her website.

Homework: The Heroine’s Journey begins with the protagonist having broken with their familial network, their pleas being ignored, turning away / being pushed out from their position, and finding help from family/friends. Think how this beginning could apply to your WIP.

I'm pretty sure, a few of you had the kind of “omg why did I not see that?” epiphany with The Heroine’s Journey 😀. Same thing happened to me and I realized why one story just wasn’t working. It couldn’t work because I was trying to cram a Heroine story into a Hero’s Journey. If you want to hear the author Sasha Black have that kind of epiphany live on air (so to speak), listen to this [podcast], where she interviews Gail Carriger about The Heroine’s Journey. Just be warned, that epiphany involves a lot of swearing 😜.

We talked about the beginning of the Heroine’s Journey. In this first part, the Heroine is involuntarily kicked out of their familial network. This is one of the main differences to the Hero’s Journey, where the Hero refuses and turns away voluntarily. The first part of the Heroine’s Journey is about involuntary isolation.

The Hero refuses the quest, for whatever reason, the Heroine is getting kicked into the quest.

The next part is the Search.

The Heroine’s Journey follows a pattern of connections, reunification, finding family. Mentally, physically, or emotionally. A successful journey ends with new connections, new community.

The Heroine searches for new connections, new companions, to solve the problem the story gives them. Often they employ disguise/subversion and alter their identity in this part. They form a new network, a found family. With the network, they go on a quest into “the Underworld” to gather information and build more connections.

Homework: Applying the Heroine’s Journey to your WIP, what connection does your protagonist make? What kind of community do they form? And if you have a problem with your WIP, maybe try giving your protagonist more friends?

As humans, we easily think in binary concepts, things are either this way or that way. But in reality, things overlap, mix and match, and the same can be said for the Heroine’s Journey and the Hero’s Journey.

Stories can have a Hero and a Heroine working together. Think about your basic buddy comedy, the one stoic character who wants to work alone and the fun character, who has many friends and connections. That’s a Hero with a Heroine in the same story and one possible arc could be that the Hero changes into a Heroine.

In romance, you often have the bad boy, a rogue character, who wants to stay on a Hero’s Journey, but the love of the one good person in their life changes them and pulls them into their Heroine’s Journey.

Stories with multiple characters may have each character on a different journey, with different focal points on what is important for their journey.

I also think that fanfiction often has a way of turning a Hero’s Journey into a Heroine’s Journey. When the source material says “and they won the fight but now they’re all alone”, fanfic takes a stick and whacks that on the head with “but what if they had friends /whack/”, “and they all lived together in a house /whack/”, “and they raised tomatoes, kids, and chickens together /whack whack whack/”.

Homework: Think of your favorite characters (from your WIP or from an interesting source material) and identify who leans more towards Hero and who leans more towards Heroine. Sketch out how they influence each other and what direction their stories could go.

This has been a short overview of the Heroine’s Journey, if you’re interested in this structure, I very much recommend the book [https://gailcarriger.com/books/the-heroines-journey-for-authors-book/]. It’s really a fun read, Gail Carriger did not switch to some weird academic tone for this book. She has lots of popular examples in the book, to illustrate how these concepts apply to stories we know and love.

[heizlut]

Breaking Point

cw: slight degredagtion (f!receiving)

tags: sub fem!reader, dom!alhaitham, mostly proofread

nsfw under the cut

check out my masterlist here!

📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹

You were spending the day with your boyfriend, curled up on the couch and reading together. You and Alhaitham always had your heads buried in a book no matter where you were. Being together was peaceful for the both you (except for when Kaveh came home). Without turning your head from your book, you look to Alhaitham from the corner of your eyes. Did he realize how sexy he looked with such a focused expression as his eyes quickly trailed through the words on his pages?

You turn your page extra loud and let out the most dramatic sigh you possibly could. Alhaitham doesn't pay it any mind, so you let out another dramatic sigh and glance at him again. This time he side-eyes you, with an unamused expression, "Are you done? I'm trying to focus." Your lips form a pout and you look back to your book. You didn't want him to be buried in his book anymore, you wanted him buried between your legs.

You shift your position, squeezing your thighs in an attempt to quell the ache in your core. Minutes pass that seem like hours and you squirm again. Alhaitham's hand goes to your thigh, squeezing it, all without looking away from the pages of his book, "Keep squirming and we're going to have a problem." You clench your jaw as he removes his hand from your thigh to hold his book again. Now you were even more determined to break his intense focus and get what what you wanted.

You practically slam your book shut and place it on the table in front of the couch as you get up from your spot. Alhaitham glances at you from over the top of his book with a quirked brow, "Where are you going?" His voice deep and monotone as usual. You don't even look over your shoulder at him when you walk past, "To bathe." He hums in acknowledgment and returns to reading.

Before you went into the bathroom, you took a peek into Kaveh's room to ensure he wasn't home. You smile to yourself you find that he isn't there, satisfied that you'll be able to enact your plan. After bathing, you rise from the water and leave the tub. But, oh no! You oh so conveniently forgot a towel! You smirk to yourself and exit the bathroom, padding to where Alhaitham still sat immersed in his book.

The water drips down your body and onto the floor as you stand in front of him. He doesn't even bother to look up, so you lean your head over and a droplet of water drips onto his page. Alhaitham's turquoise eyes shoot up at you, a dissatisfied frown on his lips. His expression changes to one of subtle shock as he sees you naked and wet, "What the hell are you doing?" His tone acerbic as he speaks. You put on an innocent face, "Well I forgot a towel and didn't want to yell for you..."

Alhaitham runs his tongue over his teeth, "So you came all the way out here, naked and getting water all over the floors, and didn't think to grab a towel yourself?" Your expression drops to annoyance and you practically stomp away to your shared room. Alhaitham rolls his eyes and returns to reading. A few moments later, you emerge from the bedroom wearing nothing but one of his shirts; the buttons halfway undone and the hem only reaching the middle of your thighs.

Switching up your previous attitude, but still determined to break him, you pad into the main room, "Baby, do you want me to make you some coffee?" Alhaitham glances at you from over his book again just in time to see you bent over as you rummaged through the lower cabinets. Your round ass looking so perfect as his shirt rode up on your body. Did you know what you were doing to him right now? Fuck, you were so frustrating when you got like this...

Not hearing an answer from him, you make the choice for him and reach up to the upper cabinets to grab a mug, "I'll make you some any-" Your words are cut off when you feel Alhaitham's large, muscular body pressed up against yours. He leans down, growling in your ear, "You're such a fucking brat, you know that?" You shudder and he grinds his bulge against your ass, "You've been so insufferable... Are you really such a needy slut that you can't wait a few hours for me to finish my book? tch..."

Alhaitham's words and the way he grinding into you has your arousal at an all time high. Your soft lips part as a breathy moan escapes you, leaning your head back against his broad chest. His hands move up from your hips to your breasts, squeezing and massaging them in his large hands over his shirt that you wore. The material rubbing against your nipples made them feel even more sensitive as you being to pant. A dark chuckle comes from Alhaitham and he slowly begins to undo the rest of the buttons on the shirt.

He was deliberately teasing you as punishment. Once the shirt was fully undone, he slides it carefully off your shoulders, letting the linen material fall to the floor. Alhaitham wraps one strong arm around around your chest, his hand squeezing your breast while his other hand pushed your thighs apart. His breathing was heavy as he runs two fingers through your slick, "My little brat is so wet, huh~ So desperate for me..." You bite at your bottom lip as you rock against his fingers. He nips at your ear, "Tell me how badly you want it."

"I need you inside me... Been needing you all day...", your voice comes out more as a needy whimper. "Aww is that so?~", Alhaitham gives your pussy a light slap, making you gasp. "Please give me your cock, Haitham... I promise I won't tease you again!", you plead desperately with him. He rolls his eyes at your promise, he's heard you make that same promise over and over, yet here you both were for the millionth time. You push back against Alhaitham's bulge, making him hiss out a breath. That was enough.

He moves quickly, freeing his swollen cock from it's confines. Giving it a couple pumps, he presses his hand on your back, forcing you to arch for him. He rubs the tip through your folds, gathering the slick as you wiggled your hips. Alhaitham slaps your ass, "Be still." You still your hips, and he speaks in a hushed and lustful tone, "Good girl." With those words, he pushes in and grits his teeth, letting out a husky groan. He barely gives you a moment to adjust to his thickness and begins thrusting into you, hitting that soft spot inside of you that had you instantly seeing stars.

Alhaitham wraps your hair around his hand and tugs your head up, making you cry out in pain and pleasure and he keeps his relentless pace, "That's right... Fucking take it." His lips meet your neck, leaving bite marks and hickies in his wake. The feeling of his cock buried so deep inside of you has your eyes rolling back and unable to stop the filthy noises and ramblings that fell from your lips, "Ngh~ yes... please... fuck me harder~!" Alhaitham's cock begins to swell and throb wildly at the feeling of your perfect cunt tightening around him over and over as you orgasm.

He brings his lips to your ear again with a growl, "You're going to take all my cum. Don't let a single fucking drop spill." With that, Alhaitham lets out a raspy moan as he releases inside of your tight walls. Thick ropes of cum fill your pussy; his cock pulsating within you as he stuffed you full. He lets go of your hair and holds himself up with both hands on the counter, caging your tired body in with his large one. The sounds of heavy panting are the only thing that can be heard within the home. Alhaitham gently pulls his cock from your pussy, making you give a tired whine of overstimulation. You turn to face him, still caged in by his body.

He looks down at you, sweat rolling down his forehead and chest. He takes a moment, losing himself in your adoring gaze. He presses his forehead against yours and kisses your nose, "Tease me like that again and I won't be so nice next time." Your lips curl up, both of you well aware that this would happen again.

📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹ 📚₊˚⊹

a/n: take a shot for every time i said the word “book” 🫥

[draconym]

Hello! I’ve been interested in park ranger work for awhile— but since researching the institution a little deeper, I’m worried that park rangers are essentially forest cops. I noticed on one of your posts that you mentioned that you were a a park ranger law enforcement officer— and I was wondering if you could go into a little detail about park ranger work and it’s connection to law enforcement? Another reason I feel weird about pursuing park ranger work is I feel that national parks have a non-ignorable history of stripping land from indigenous people. If you have any thoughts or experiences related to the career— it would be extremely helpful for me to hear since I am trying to sort out what I would like to do after college. Thank you for reading. If you don’t want to answer this question either, I completely understand.

There's no singular institution. There are rangers who work for the National Park Service, for State governments, for local governments, or for cities and towns. And there are many different types of rangers: enforcement, interpretive, wilderness rescue, the list goes on. Different sites have different needs, and different positions will have different duties. Many rangers have zero law enforcement authority, and most I've spoken to prefer it that way: they prefer to focus on education and conservation.

I was an enforcement ranger, but never a law enforcement officer--the primary authority I had was the ability to issue fairly cheap citations for animal-related violations (fishing, poaching, off-leash dogs, harm to wildlife, etc.) through local Animal Control. Though some rangers elsewhere carry weapons and receive law enforcement training, my department never did (the latter, frankly, was often to our detriment).

Certainly the NPS has a history loaded with racism, land theft, land desecration, even genocide. The very inception of the NPS was predicated on the myth that the lands to be designated as National Parks were uninhabited wilderness. But don't assume the problem lies solely with NPS: any institution with even a small amount of power has the potential to abuse it, and smaller parks are no exception. I've never even worked for the NPS (my state doesn't even have any national parks), but local agencies often have histories of segregating parks or enforcing segregation within them.

I've heard people say that park rangers are the "only good" law enforcement, and that's a generalization I absolutely wouldn't make. Yes, there are laws and regulations that are necessary for the sake of conservation and our ability to safely access natural areas. That doesn't mean those laws are always universally fair or fairly enforced.

If this leaves you feeling dismayed, well, yeah. Me, too. But there are also quite a lot of positions within parks that are not rangers at all, and quite a lot of jobs within conservation and nature education that are not parks jobs. I've found both park maintenance and trail crew to be just as rewarding in many ways, and if you can live with the low salary they typically offer, I do recommend giving those positions a try. The salary was ultimately a dealbreaker for me.

I haven't been a ranger for several years. I left because the agency I was working for was undeniably a toxic work environment. This isn't intended to put you off working for parks: it's a valuable, rewarding career to educate the public about the natural world and to help maintain wild spaces. I'm grateful to still be involved with parks in other ways. But even the small agency I'm currently working for struggles to right itself. It can be rough out there.

I've already discussed a few of the above points before in my #park ranger tag, so I encourage interested folks to read there if they're interested in more of the mundane, day-to-day stuff.

[captain-joongz]

Abraxas; Act 1, Chapter 2 Part 2

Pairing: mafia boss!Min Yoongi x police office!reader

Genre: enemies to lovers, humour, angst, investigation themes, dark themes, eventual smut, slowburn, some fluff

Chapter summary: As spring time comes, the police station finds itself intensely focused on several cold murder cases linked to the gangs. Amidst this chaos, it's hard to find time for anything else except for grappling with the position in the team and the burning ambition to be accepted, but something lovely might just be awaiting right behind the corner. The complicated relationship with the Min gang continues to get even more muddled.

Chapter word count: 18.3k

Warnings: discussion of crimes and murders, mentions of violence and gore (nothing too graphic, they're vaguely describing a murder scene), general anxiety? (our girl is NERVOUS in this one), Yoongi almost isn't in this chapter, start of reader x OC, gets suggestive at the end (it's not with Yoongi but he IS endgame, dw), also this chapter might be a bit slower and investigation and exposition heavy

Previous part | Series masterlist | Next part

A/N: unexpected sleepover kept me busy most of the weekend but here finally comes the second part of the chapter, i'm so excited for you to read the ending hehehe! let me know in the comments or through asks what you think, i'm curious to know your opinions! <3

The early summer heat was already hitting halfway through May, and as I sat in the station that was barely AC-ed, I suffered like a dog through the sudden and surprising rises of temperatures in between of bouts of rains.

Truthfully, looking out of the window, I wasn’t sure whether I’d rather be sitting here in a half empty dead office with barely anyone present (6 o’clock on a Friday afternoon usually not pulling much traffic around these parts) or sitting in full leather on my bike by some seedy club peeping at what Jungkook was doing this particular evening like a creep.

I wasn’t able to put much time into any extracurricular activities, the current task I’ve been made responsible of forced me to spend most of my time behind a desk, scrolling through endless police reports, paparazzi photos and news articles, taking names of cases and trying to find out what kind of people they were and who they were associated with. And after the hours and hours I’ve spent on this I was truly starting to get sick of it, almost missing the few days I spent watching a warehouse in the middle of the winter only to get trolled by Yoongi. Obviously, I wasn’t made for an office job.

With a sigh I finally gave up after trying to focus on the currently opened case on my table and dragged myself to a bistro on the corner. I’ve been drinking so much coffee these past few weeks I was on the verge of throwing up anytime I just saw a brown paper cup, but I soldiered through for the fresh batch of caffeine that would allow me to die a little slower and more painfully. And as I waited in the line, I dreaded returning to the station and continuing in what’s been my sole purpose in life for days upon days.

Still not being able to move anywhere with Jungkook kind of haunted me, it stayed at the back of my mind practically every day, just calling me to go out there and do something. But I couldn’t exactly spend the whole night chasing shadows when I had to show up to work at 7 am. Sometimes I would wonder what Yoongi thought about my sudden absence, whether he was trying to uncover some mastermind psychological warfare plan while I was really just too busy to do anything other than sit in that damn building and sleep, but admittedly it did always put a little smile on my face imagining him being silly over why I’m not following his every step like before.

Occasionally I would tag along with the team for additional interviews and questionings, stand behind Minjoon and listen and absorb their strategies. Unfortunately, all the people we talked to, all the witnesses who were mostly workers from around the warehouse, they knew very well to keep their mouth shut about anything illegal. In the end we couldn’t get more out of them than them hearing shots and calling the police. Nobody saw anything and heard nothing beyond that, as it seemed.

But we knew we were going to hit the wall here, no one in their right mind would snitch like this, especially if this truly was the Min gang. For all the neutral demeanour and suave charismatic energy, people were still terrified of Yoongi. No matter the image he had right now, no matter how much he tried to situate himself as a businessman unconcerned with the underworld, everybody still remembered how he came up, how much violence it took for him to take his place, how much blood was spilt and continued to be spilt any time someone went against him. You didn’t act up against a man like that.

And given the fact the Kims were somehow involved as well, it was double the risk. A single word could cost you your life, no matter which side the hit came from.

That only left us with carefully dissecting the lives of the victims, trying to find out how they got there and who they messed with to end up massacred on a floor of a run-down warehouse in Incheon, which was a feat in and of itself, but Minjoon and Seungcheol worked on that diligently. I sometimes met him just as he was about to leave to presumably go question someone about them, but I haven’t heard much from them yet. So lately we were all mostly stuck behind our computers.

I shook my head at nothing in particular and with one last sigh I picked myself up and went back to the station coffee in hand, resigning myself to another few hours of ruining my eyesight and back at that stupid little cramped desk. These past two weeks really made me realise just how on each other we were in that little space, and how Park sat comfortably in his office doing god knows what.

When I arrived back, I was shocked to see Minjoon suddenly back sitting by his own desk submerged deep into whatever it was he was looking at. He barely even registered my entrance, and I deliberated on going up to him or going back to my own desk to not disrupt him, but in the end decided to procrastinate just a while longer.

Minjoon looked up as soon as he heard footsteps approaching and we exchanged friendly but tired smiles while he pulled out a chair next to him for me to sit at.

“Doing overtime too, I see,” he greeted me with, eyes once again glued to the monitor. I looked over his shoulder to see him reading up on a report of a crime from two years ago. The name was very familiar to me after all these days. It was one of the guys from the warehouse.

“You going over what Park Doyun was involved in again?” I jumped straight into reading the report alongside with him. It was an armed robbery from two years ago, but due to a mess up in the prosecution they were acquitted on some obscure technicality. It was honestly a huge embarrassment, because there was some good evidence, but it all went down the drain. It was the first thing that really smacked us in the face once we put the guys through the police database, because everyone was talking about it around the precinct and Minjoon immediately made the connection.

“Yeah, supposedly there was a third accomplice, but I can’t find any mention of anyone else being involved,” Minjoon muttered somewhat dejectedly, the exhaustion showing through his expression and posture. I patted him on the shoulder, trying to bring his spirits up while I was just as sick of this as he was. He only shot me a grateful smile over his shoulder and went back into the report.

The Police Academy truly doesn’t prepare you for the hours and hours of just pure research and paperwork, what a lie.

“Is that what one of the people in the neighbourhood told you?” I queried some more, desperate to distract myself from my own tasks long enough to gain some strength to go back to it. Minjoon hummed absentmindedly, but in the end gave up as well and turned to me.

“Yeah, it was the most I could get from this one old lady sitting by a convenience store on his corner,” the detective said around a yawn, decompressing into the chair and letting the day just wash over him. It was obvious that whatever he was doing today was catching up to him, and it didn’t surprise me much given that he was gone for most of the afternoon.

“What do you got so far?” I leaned back on my chair as well and turned so that we were face to face, and we just lounged there for a moment smiling at each other cheekily, “About the whole thing.”

That got Minjoon sighing again, wiping his hand over his face. “Most is the usual stuff,” the man started, launching into another long monologue brought up by my questions, “out of the six victims, two grew up in the same neighbourhood down in Gojan-dong. You know, the same old – not the greatest families, poor backgrounds, started messing around the block and got into a lot of trouble. That’s where the reports start flying in. The other four are from around there as well, but not as close by.”

I sat on the information for a moment, as this was the first time I outright asked about the details. “So they’re all from Incheon anyway?” I ended up saying, and Minjoon only nodded.

“Two of them lived pretty close to each other, went to the same school, and they have that one record together,” he continued talking, “but you know how it gets. The people living around there only talk about how pitiful it is they fell off the good path, and if there is something more organised going on beneath, they either don’t know about it, don’t want to know about it or will never talk to a cop about it.”

“But we can be pretty sure they were already tight back then,” I hummed. Minjoon moved a little on his chair to get more comfortable. I saw his eyes jump to the time showcasing on his computer before he turned back to me and the conversation, and I was suddenly hit with the realisation that he most likely wanted to go home and I was keeping him here.

“Yeah, according to the teachers they were troublemakers and there was some violence happening on other students,” Minjoon expanded on that, “and one also mentioned a kid from a school on another block that they used to hang out with a lot that was also known for trouble, but she couldn’t remember his name. She wasn’t very surprised that they died in a gang affiliated murder though, according to her they were most probably dealing already back then between the peers.”

“That’s tough, that’s real tough. Surviving on the streets like that just gets you involved in all kinds of trouble” the empathetic words spilled from my mouth before I could really think twice about it and I panicked a little. I wasn’t sure how much the people around the unit knew about my childhood, but it definitely wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with any of them, even Minjoon. Some things were just better left in the past, especially since it’d probably make my colleagues dislike me more.

“Yeah, but the worst thing is that I just can’t get the name of that third kid,” Minjoon carried on completely submerged into his own world, “I showed her pictures of the other guys, but she didn’t recognise them. Then I was trying to choke some info from an old lady sitting by one of their addresses, but she only mentioned that there were three boys involved in that robbery but couldn’t remember the third one because he was from a nearby neighbourhood, just that these three were always together and didn’t do anything good.”

“And it’s not any of the other four guys?” I asked once more, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Minjoon shook his head and leaned back onto his chair, just watching me with tired but smiling eyes.

“But I think it’s a safe bet that these three must have stood at the beginning of everything, I just can’t get the name of the last kid,” Minjoon finished with a sigh, fingers subconsciously playing with the hem of his shirt, “I don’t know how they got into the big game or where the other dude is though.”

“Do you think there’s a possibility he escaped? That he’s alive somewhere but skipped cities or something to get away from the trouble?” I pondered out loud, as we both exchanged conspiratory glances, but Minjoon just shrugged.

“I mean, anything is possible in this game really,” the detective closed the conversation with a definitive nod of his head. I thought that was my cue to go back to my desk and let him leave, but he surprised me with turning the conversation around on me.

“What about the files? How are you doing?” he asked suddenly just as I was preparing to stand up and go. For a split second I looked at him surprised, and then relaxed into the chair again with a smile.

“Honestly, it’s such an annoying work,” I complained a little whinily, allowing myself to be a little more open with Minjoon, “I have to go through every little article, report and a picture on the internet concerning the victim. Some of them are normal working class people who worked around the docks or clubs, but some are wealthy bastards.” Minjoon chuckled at me, fingers drumming a calming beat into the table.

“Some have no ties to Yoongi at all apart from like eating at his restaurant once or staying at his hotel, but some I think are worth investigating into,” I went on, giving Minjoon the opportunity to just listen to me babble for once and not the other way around, “like some businessmen that have done deals with some of Yoongi’s shadow companies or were frequent visitors of his clubs, there was this one dude that was really closely related to some charity events Yoongi put on. I think it’s worth looking into those.”

Minjoon smiled at me brightly, his whole persona suddenly lighting up at hearing me talk about the case. He straightened up and leaned towards me, hand grabbing my shoulder in a gesture that has become very familiar to me coming from him to a point when I had to fight an embarrassed blush and a smile at the warmth and pride it filled me with.

“Good job, Y/N, good job,” he said earnestly, eyes looking straight into mine until the direct contact got a little too intense and I dodged it, “I knew I could count on you with this.” This time I really did blush, an intense feeling of vindication filling me at finally having someone recognise the work I was putting into this case. I mumbled my thanks to him, too overwhelmed to even look up, but I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder in answer before he retracted it back.

“I put them into different groups,” I jumped back into the explanation to escape the atmosphere change, “the ones that are inconclusive when it comes to gang involvement, the ones that are mostly low-tier workers around the gang affiliated hotspots and the big wigs that died under strange circumstances and most likely were closely related to Yoongi’s business in one way or the other.”

I didn’t even realise I had naturally switched into calling him Yoongi even in front of Minjoon, but thankfully he either didn’t notice or didn’t think it strange. Once I clocked it though, I promised myself to make sure to never make the same mistake in front of Hwang or Park, who I didn’t want to risk questioning me about it. Was I paranoid? Maybe, but I had a good reason for it with my track record.

“Have you looked through all of them?” came Minjoon’s question after a few moments of silence and I startled minutely before shaking my head in response.

“Not yet, I’ve got like a case and a half left,” I answered him truthfully, the distaste over having to go back to my desk and keep researching this file still rotting on my table resurfacing and souring my mood. I had managed to forget I’d still need to return to it once Minjoon left and it had me slumping into my chair.

The man must have noticed my change in mood, since he gave me a small encouraging smile and then leaned towards me somewhat conspiratorially before lightly enquiring “you wanna get out of here and grab something for dinner?”. I visibly relaxed at the offered out and nodded enthusiastically basically before he even finished speaking, making him laugh heartily.

In one swift movement he was standing on his feet offering me his hand. I took it gingerly and let him haul me up, the feelings of guilt that have been eating me away for not dedicating more of my time to the task soothed by Minjoon’s approval of ditching work.

It didn’t take us long to turn off computers and collect our belongings before we both headed out into the still incredibly hot air of the parking lot in front of the station. He must have been just as excited to leave as me, with how gingerly he led us out and towards his car, only stopping when I lightly grabbed his arm. The officer turned his whole body to me, surprise and confusion written over his face at my sheepish expression. I gestured towards the other side of the parking lot where a solitary dark car stood parked.

“I’m here by car as well, we could go to the restaurant down the street so we can both leave by car?” I suggested and Minjoon as quickly brightened up and agreed.

Thus we found ourselves sitting over our respective bowls of kimchi jjigae just a few minutes later. This was a known spot for us, as they fed most of the police force from our station with the homely family run restaurant located only three minutes by foot away from our office. When we walk in, the kind middle-aged lady running it already greets us by our names and knows our tastes by heart. It was such a nice feeling to have a place like that, I had to admit that.

We both must have been pretty hungry, because for the first half none of us even spoke, too focused on our bowls and stuffing our faces like a pair of vultures. Once the dust settled and we were handing the empty dishes back to the smiling woman, we found ourselves once again just looking at each other not knowing how to start up a conversation. After few moments of awkward silence, Minjoon decided to break the ice.

“You mentioned you sorted the cases into three groups, right?” he started off the subject of our work again, waiting for me to nod and then continuing, “Once you get through them all, you should pull out the other cases we have connected to Yoongi and look through them again with the new ones in mind. There might have been things lost or not noticed.”

The feeling of disappointment that hit me was almost palpable in the air, and I felt my expression freezing into an awkward smile trying to not let it show outwardly. I didn’t want to anger Minjoon or make him feel bad about this, and I did realise I was a total newbie to the unit and a newbie to this particular investigation, but I would lie if I said it didn’t hurt that I seemed to be eternally stuck behind the computer while the others actually did all the investigating.

Minjoon still must have felt my lack of enthusiasm, even though I tried to show my agreement as happily as I could muster, and he hit me with another sheepish apologetic smile.

“I know what you’re thinking,” the man begun, hands on instinct raising as if trying to console me, “but this could be your own thing, you know? It would be your call and your own investigation. We could also ask the violent crime team to help you out with questionings.” Now, that did sound marginally better, and I found myself swaying. I mean, I really didn’t have much choice, I would still agree even if I was truly just a glorified secretary to them, otherwise I’d be booted of the team quicker than I could say ‘fuck you’. But like this, it at least didn’t feel like a complete lost.

“So, once I went through the cases, I’d have free range and I could try to investigate and close some of them?” I made sure before I truly consented to anything, and when Minjoon nodded and agreed, I relaxed a little bit.

“Okay then,” finally I accepted, “I’ll look through the old cases too.” That seemed to make him very happy, and he made sure to smile at me brightly and shower me in gratitude and praises, but I couldn’t really help the sinking feeling at imagining myself going through more cold cases. At least there was a clear end to that in sight with these.

After that the conversation shifted slightly to lighter topics and Minjoon ended up telling me some funny stories about our colleagues’ mishaps at work. I laughed at them heartily while feeling this strange rift between us deepen even more, realising more than ever that I was truly a stranger in this unit full of people who actually somewhat liked each other.

I promised myself that this time next year, I will be sitting here with the whole unit and be a part of those fun stories as well.

Later in the evening, as we walked leisurely back to our cars after finishing up at the food joint, Minjoon suddenly seemed a little more hesitant and withdrawn. At first I saw it as a reluctance to part after a nicely spent evening, but soon I came to realise that there was something he wasn’t sure how to tell me. I could see it written all over his guilty unsure face, mouth opening for a moment without words coming out and then shutting again. I waited patiently for him to gather his courage, until the man finally broke the suddenly awkward silence.

“So, we were making some plans with the team,” Minjoon opened hesitantly and immediately I felt a shot to my heart knowing I wasn’t a part of whatever discussion they were having as a team, but I kept my mouth shut. I only hummed in response, encouraging him to go on.

“Well, next Friday we’re going to speak to Ms. Kim,” he finally got out, and I froze a little, “I just felt that a heads up was needed for that particular encounter." And I wasn’t going to lie, there was a little bit of panic that seized me at the mention of her name.

Miss Kim, alias Kim Jiyu, alias the sister of the man currently in charge of Kim Enterprises and any other business the Kim family was running legal or not, was notoriously known in both the underworld and the law enforcement sphere as a very unpleasant and harsh woman that people only ever can have the displeasure of meeting. There was a lot of stories floating around about her, and most were extremely unflattering to her character. All kinds of adjectives were attached to her, from spoiled or mean all the way to downright cruel and heartless.

The meeting with her could mean only one thing – they were trying to get the meeting with the Mr. Kim himself, but as most people, couldn’t get through his sister first, as she acted as a wall between him and the rest of the world. Unless you came with a warrant, the chances of speaking to him alone or at all were very slim, most visitors got handled by Ms. Kim before they even made it through the receptionist.

I shuddered a little bit at the thought of meeting her and doing a questioning against her and the crimes her family was involved in. Allegedly. After this thing was over, I had to go to good old Jungkook and troll him a little over parking tickets to decompress from this whole ordeal.

I turned to Minjoon, taking in his worried face, and I put on my bravest expression, nodding with a gentle smile. We didn’t really speak after that again, both of us just processing the information that was traded throughout the whole evening.

When I got home, I was so exhausted I just wanted to crash into the bed and sleep for twelve hours but sleep just wouldn’t find me until the early hours of the morning, and I found myself lying there with closed eyes, brain overheating with everything that’s happened in the last 24 hours.

I nervously shimmied around, earning another judging stare from one of the maids and a warning shake of head from Minjoon, as we waited in the entrance hall to be accepted by the lady of the house.

When Minjoon mentioned going to interview Ms. Kim, I truly didn’t even begin to imagine we would go into her house. That morning pulling up in front of a huge modern mansion and getting greeted by a chauffeur and a gardener before I even made it halfway through the gate was truly a shock. I don’t know why I was expecting maybe an office or something, given the fact it was one of the richest residential parts of Seoul, but still.

As usual, my nervousness made it that I was there first, way before Sunmi or Minjoon got there, who were the two people assigned to this task, Hwang and Seungcheol trying their luck loitering around the office building where Mr. Kim must have been. It was a tactic that was already well known to me in our unit, fighting on two fronts and then exchanging found out info. In my mind I was transported months back, to the first time I was brought along, the “first time” I officially met Yoongi in the VIP lounge in Pied Piper and how I nervously sat in front of him while he laughed at me like my presence was the funniest thing that’s ever happened to him.

The feelings of unease and queasiness that thinking of Yoongi often brought along manifested themselves and I started sweating even harder, slowly gaining Minjoon’s worry as he looked me up and down. I shook my head to him very slightly, hoping it was seen as a comforting gesture and it wouldn’t make him hover over me in an attempt to shelter me or comfort me.

The silence in the hall stretched for several additional minutes and the three of us stood there awkwardly, scrutinised by every member of staff currently on standby. I felt the scolding gazes doubly, as I didn’t make much effort on the visual front, rocking up to one of the most expensive houses in the most expensive neighbourhood in my worn washed out jeans, a simple black tee and a breezy short-sleeved shirt with an aggressive flower print, hair styled in a way that was the most practical and needed the least amount of time to achieve and a face red and sweating both from the hot temperatures and the nerves, the look finished with a pair of old sneakers basically crying for help.

I couldn’t look more out of place in the pristine light green hall with sleek furniture and floors made from massive marble tiles and I felt properly as an outsider, both from the perspective of a kid growing up in an impoverished block and as a colleague that wasn’t properly informed about the details of the visit. Even Minjoon wore a nicer pair of jeans and a shirt, which he never did, and Sunmi looked as elegant as ever in her dress pants, light blouse and beautiful wavy hair let hanging loose around her shoulders. I swallowed my bitterness and regret at not checking up on the area first and not getting the chance to also dress accordingly. And avoiding looking like a beggar accidentally let in from the streets.

My train of thought was broken by the sound of approaching footsteps, the distinctive clacking of high heel shoes on the marble floors carrying to us all the way from deep inside the house, and I found myself almost letting out a breath of relief, as I would finally be able to escape this oppressive atmosphere and disappear somewhere into a corner of a room and just quietly make notes.

With each clack getting closer to us the tension in the air grew lightly, the forms of my colleagues also straightening out, hands last minute fidgeting around their clothes to gather courage and look as composed as we could. From what I understood, from the people present here only Sunmi had the pleasure of meeting our host before, and it was only twice. Not nearly enough for the initial instinctual apprehension to wear off. Therefore we were all probably experiencing similar levels of unease. Most probably. Hard to say, I was pretty strung up.

Finally, the form of a woman rounded the corner and materialised at the other end of a very long corridor, slowly inching towards us with the elegance and prowess of a hungry lion, her form slightly shimmering. At first I thought my eyes were watering or I was straight up hallucinating, but as she came closer I realised it was because she wore a silvery dress that reflected every light and surface around her.

She was taller than me, quite a bit (not a big feat honestly, I barely grew out of looking like an 8th grader) with a small, graceful face, each inch perfect and carefully maintained. Both her make-up and dress looked very sophisticated, showing clearly that she was a member of the higher class, with her beautiful dark hair pulled into a tight intricate bun at the back of her head. She was absolutely stunning and, to be honest, for a moment I got a little starstruck. It felt like meeting a movie star or a celebrity, she had that aura around her, and for a few seconds I completely forgot why we were there and almost started asking for an autograph and a detailed explanation of her beauty routine.

That all shattered the moment she finally reached us though, as her impassive face suddenly broke into a cruel smirk, venom taking over her dark eyes and she scoffed, looking us over like we were pests about to be exterminated. Before even giving us a chance to introduce ourselves, or really say anything, her focus shifted to Sunmi, gaze burning her down intensely.

“I thought we were over this, detective,” she said in a strong voice, sounding just as annoyed as mean, “There’s no need for you to come over and ask your silly little questions. I told you everything you need to know.” I saw the moment Sunmi steeled herself, eyes hardening, readying to play her part of an unshakable detective. And damn, did she do a great job.

“Please Ms. Kim,” she retorted, her body relaxing a little as she adopted a posture to counter the other woman’s stiff elegant figure, “You know I’ll never have enough of asking you silly questions. Just let us bother you for fifteen minutes and then we don’t have to see each other again for a few months.” There was a little impish grin tugging on her lips and I could notice our hostess was starting to get a little bothered by that, her annoyance slowly running through the roof. I watched on with bated breath, both me and Minjoon just hanging back quietly, taken aback by the sudden change in the air.

Ms. Kim’s face turned into a bitter grimace, the disgust obvious in the downturn of her mouth as she stepped aside and gestured down the long hallway she herself came from.

“Fine, you got fifteen minutes, after that I’m not entertaining any other visits unless you have an arrest warrant,” she bit out almost in a bark, before she turned around without waiting and stomped her way back inside the house. We all scrambled to follow her, suddenly thrust into action after just weirdly hanging about for such a long time. Sunmi took the lead, confidently striding after her, but as she passed me I could hear her releasing a huge puff of air as she steadied herself to carry on.

I gazed after her, taking in her stoney face and confident posture, my respect towards the female detective immediately skyrocketing. If Minjoon told me I was looking at her with hearts in my eyes, I would totally believe him. I liked to pretend I looked similar while dealing with Yoongi, but Sunmi clearly perfected the pest bratty power play that just drove these types up the wall, and I hoped I would be able to learn from her before we all had to go our separate ways again. I’m sure the Min gang would infinitely appreciate it. Especially the maknae.

Miss Kim led us only halfway through the corridor before she disappeared into a room on the right, and like ducklings we all followed inside. Minjoon came through last, but immediately went for the chairs, so I took it upon myself to close the door. When I turned, I was the last one to take the room in. It was quite a standard home office space, with a dark desk dominating the space, some shelves with books and decorations, and of course, the two chairs waiting for visitors to be scrutinised from the high table.

Not wanting to pull much attention to myself, I quickly hurried into the left corner where a lone small armchair stood, sitting myself there. I was already pretty much invisible to them as they sized each other up.

Just as before, Miss Kim didn’t seem overly interested in getting our names, getting straight to business without any preamble.

“I cannot imagine what else you’d like to hear from me, Miss Lee,” her piercing voice sounded through the room, taking on a slight whining voice. I jerked slightly in my chair, head immediately flying up to look at the woman before I realised that me and Sunmi shared a surname and she was talking to her, not me. The relief that flooded me at not having to face her yet was quite mortifying, so I just focused on fiddling with my notepad and pen, waiting for something worthy of being written down.

“A multiple homicide took place on your front lawn, of course we’d be interested in getting your perspective as much as we can,” Sunmi replied to her matter-of-factly, holding her own in the intense power battle that was currently taking place between their gazes.

“On my front lawn? That’s news to me,” Miss Kim leaned back into her chair, throwing her arms into the air, “That’s not our warehouse. The Kim Enterprises don’t own it.”

“Cut the shit, that’s your turf. You want to tell me that someone was murdered on your turf, and you don’t have even the slightest idea? Not even if Mins were involved?” Sunmi snapped back immediately and even I was surprised for a split second before I schooled my expression and watched the two of them attentively.

Miss Kim seemed hardly surprised, she didn’t even blink at Sunmi’s approach, just sat there and stared at her blankly with not even a single hair out of place. Then she smirked lightly, fingers drumming a quick rhythm into the desk.

“I have no idea what Mr. Min is doing, but I can assure you he’s doing it far away from me,” she said diplomatically, “We’re not exactly the bestest of friends.” There was a tense venomous smile on her face and I fought back the scoff. That was some understatement. But she was really good at acting as if her whole clan didn’t almost lose their lives to Yoongi’s six after actively trying to sabotage him several times.

But guess they must have gotten a little mercy from him since most of the conflicts happened while the old Kim, her father, was still in power. Since he has died and his son took over, the relationship between the two powerhouses was still considerably strained, but also much calmer.

There was a moment of silence, Minjoon quietly looing to Sunmi whether she wanted to keep going and when she didn’t stop him, he cleared his throat and turned his full attention to the woman behind the desk.

“It might not be your warehouse, but we know the area is pretty much under your rule,” he said seemingly amicably, a stark difference to Sunmi’s irate approach, “We don’t care about any other stuff that’s happening there. We don’t care about drugs or smuggling right now, this is a murder case.”

To that the woman smirked and rolled her eyes. “So what? If I give you information, you’ll overlook anything else that might be going on? You want me to be a snitch?” she drawled out, clearly mocking us all, then threw her hands out into the air, “Not my warehouse, not my problem. Why would I know what’s going on in a house that doesn’t belong to me?” The answer was pretty clear, to be honest. Even as someone from a rival gang, if she knew something she wouldn’t cooperate with the police. The retaliation would be merciless if Yoongi found out. And he always did.

“Anything you say will be recorded as an anonymous tip, it will only push us in the right direction,” Minjoon told her, in what was supposed to be a comforting manner, but his voice was too hard and matter-of-fact to be friendly. The elegantly dressed woman’s eyes jumped from the two with a slyness that left a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. In that moment she looked more like a viper about to strike than an heiress to a huge successful family. An ugly smirk curled around her lips and her face took on a certain savageness, suddenly she looked nothing like the graceful lady that greeted us in the foyer.

“Well, detective,” she started in another drawl, now her voice pitching more towards an almost playful hostility, like she was trying to make herself seem less lethal than she truly was, “all I can say is that they were drug dealers. Which is something you already know. So you probably have to ask… why did they lose their lives because of it? Hmmmm, I wonder… wonder who and where does drug deals that has the reputation of killing anyone that just looks at him bad…” She ended that whole spiel with a sharp grin, and promptly stood up and in a grand gesture flicked her wrist towards the door.

“I didn’t really expect that I would have to do the police’s job for them, should have fucking gone to the academy,” she hissed out in a snarl, “Now get the fuck out of my house and don’t bother me again about bullshit that doesn’t concern me.”

The two detectives didn’t seem to be bothered by her words or sudden turn in mood at all, instead they both stood up almost coordinated and without a single word or a glance back turned to leave the room. I scrambled to follow them, the whole thing replaying in my mind as I absent mindedly smacked about the door to catch the handle. The split second I turned to see where it was, I caught Miss Kim’s eye for the first time that evening. Hers were sharp, face a hard grimace of uncaringness and cruelty. She smirked at me in a mocking way, like she would at an insect right before she crushed in under her heel, her pride and ego clearly displayed like trophies in her arrogant stance and upturned head. I shuddered lightly and decided to leave the door be, breaking into a light jog to catch up to my colleagues much to judging looks of the servants. I didn’t care much, I just wanted to be out of there.

Once back on the street, a weighted silence stretched between us as we marinated on what we were told. Really, these interviews always felt so short and so little information would come from them, and then you’d look at the clock and find out it’s been thirty or forty minutes spend just turning in circles. This was one of them.

“Of course we know the drug deal is an important aspect of the case,” Minjoon suddenly bit out, peeved as the last comment clearly got him, “A group of drug dealers doesn’t just get murdered by accident. But Yoongi is self-sufficient, he has ties across the sea to Japan, he doesn’t do deals with small in-Seoul gangs.” We both looked at him, trying to ignore his petulant outburst, trying to be empathising because all of our emotions ran a little wild at the moment. I looked to Sunmi, studying her calm face that was in contrast to her hand tapping her thigh in a quick rhythm, her mind working fast to slot everything together and re-evaluate what we found out till now.

“Well, then the reason must be there,” I voiced out unsurely, getting nervous when their gazes turned to me, “If what she’s insinuating is that they were doing a deal with Yoongi and got killed, then we gotta find out why. If he normally doesn’t do that, then why now?” Sunmi nodded at my words, eyes squinted both against the sun and in thought, mulling over it.

“Yeah, that’s really the only way I see here too,” she stated finally, voice carrying strong, “We were working with theories that they maybe provoked him or split from him and stole some of his cargo, maybe tried to push his turf somewhere, the usual reasons for this brutal of a punishment, but maybe we should explore the option that they were actually partners. Maybe they scammed him with goods, that could get you murdered in this business.”

I pursed my lips tightly, keeping a neutral face to reign in my surprise, as most of those things she said were total news to me. I had known they were looking into their past and that they were drug dealers, that they missed one guy and maybe he got away. Nothing of what she said actually made it to me, and I had to stand there and pretend like I knew what she was talking about. I mean, I wasn’t dumb, these were the usual reasons for murder between gangs, but it would have been nice if someone actually told me we were looking into these options.

I swallowed my bitterness down and kept my eyes trained on Sunmi, nodding along. I didn’t want my negative experience with my team and unit to tamper down the respect that was quickly growing in me towards her, the detective has in the short period of time I’ve known her become something of a model for me, and I knew that it wasn’t her responsibility to keep me updated since she was from a different unit. No, this transgression was on the side of my own colleagues, so I stubbornly kept my eyes from straying towards the officer in question, who was nervously shuffling next to her.

I let out a tired sigh, the disappointment was so constant with them that I barely even found it in me to be properly annoyed, just felt resignation bleed into me slowly. I knew that I would most likely just keep getting fucked over like this, but still, I stubbornly and selfishly wasn’t prepared to give up just yet, and it hurt. But really, what other option did I have.

“We should get back to the station,” I piped in, cutting short the conversation that started up between them while I was spacing out, and I felt Minjoon’s guilty gaze on me, “Get the info to the others and re-evaluate.” Sunmi once again nodded, patting my shoulder and giving me a friendly smile.

“You’re here by car, right? We could definitely squeeze you in if you need a ride,” she offered easily, and I found myself genuinely smiling back. I thanked her and pointed towards my own vehicle, and she patted my shoulder some more, a little more awkwardly, and made her way to her own. Minjoon lingered behind a little, but whatever he wanted to tell me, we didn’t have time for it anyway, so I shot him a polite smile and went my way too.

The day went by surprisingly fast, considering I didn’t speak much for the rest of it, the earlier realisation weighing heavy on me. The briefing was pretty short, with mostly Sunmi making sure the other two detectives were caught up. They split their duties quickly too. Minjoon and Seungcheol were supposed to keep looking into the mysterious third accomplice while Sunmi and Hwang would start looking more sharply into their mob ties, hoping to somehow trace them to Yoongi if they scrutinised them hard enough. I sat there and watched them awkwardly, until Minjoon turned to me and somewhat sheepishly asked whether I wanted to share my findings. So I did.

I recapped to them everything I said to Minjoon a few days earlier before he stepped in and informed the others I agreed to go through the older cases as well and would try to build a new bigger case. I gulped down my own simmering anger, that was admittedly dwindling down with every hit I took from them, and smiled, nodded, agreed. Minjoon kept glancing towards me as if he wanted to say something more, but I ignored it for the moment. Now was not the time. He asked the other team if they would volunteer to have someone tag along with me. Seungcheol agreed. I shook his hand and thanked him. In my head I clung to the promise Minjoon made me, that this would be my own big case, and kept myself in check.

By the evening, I was finally wrapping up with the original task, a huge boulder falling off of my shoulders and then promptly building back up when I curiously checked how many files I would have to pull up come Monday. It was a lot. I did catch myself just sitting at my tiny desk kneading my face in my hands, smushing my features all together and then pulling them again, as my eyes focused and unfocused on the computer screen.

And that’s how Minjoon found me too. He walked up to me quietly, and at first I didn’t even notice him through the existential crisis I was going through, but soon his hip moved into my field of vision and I jerked back, embarrassed at my antics. Minjoon still looked just as apologetic as that morning, and I couldn’t even be annoyed with him after the day I had.

“Dinner?” he asked quietly, unsure of whether I would want to go with him or not. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but instead I just nodded tiredly, pushing the files under the desk and turning off the computer. I was done, done for the day and done with working on this, so I just wordlessly stood up and glanced around. Just like last week we were the last ones around, even Park already long gone from his office where he basically camped out.

Minjoon waited for me patiently, as I gathered my belongings and then just walked out without looking back. We ended up at the same restaurant, ordering the same thing, the lady behind the counter giving us winks and mischievous smiles while I tried my hardest to push the flustered part of myself as deep as possible. That was the last thing I needed, really.

Minjoon launched into his apology as soon as we sat down, stating how tired and overworked he was and pleaded for me to forgive him just this once for forgetting to forward the information to me. How it just slipped his mind and how Hwang just plainly refused to have to keep running to me with every new little thing and always left it to him and he was just so busy. I sat there staring blankly, not even really in the mood to pretend it was fine like I usually would for the man, and he stewed under my intense gaze, stuttering to find a way to make it up to me.

I wanted to be spiteful, wanted to tell him just how tired I was as well, how if they even invited me to these meetings in the first place, we wouldn’t have this problem, but failed to find the reason why I should bother.

“Then how about this? I have an offer to make,” Minjoon said suddenly after a few minutes of awkward small talk, a mischievous smile slowly stretching on his face. I perked up at the sudden change in mood and curiously nodded at him to continue. “I always have the time to tell you everything when we eat here and I can relax at the same time, so it’s pretty obvious you should keep coming to these dinners with me. Just for the work’s sake of course,” the man suggested slyly, eyes colouring with mirth and something else, something a little darker and sweeter. That insufferable flirt.

That time I did blush full force as soon as the meaning of those words hit me, ducking my head shyly as the negative emotions dissolved confusedly into something a little more excited and jittery deep inside my chest, the anger forgotten under the sudden attention. I found myself nodding and Minjoon rewarded me with such a blinding smile it made everything worth it, all the work and the bitterness long pushed from my mind.

That evening, there was plenty more conversation, none of it about murders or crime which was a refreshing change for both of us, and we both seized the opportunity to actually mention anything that didn’t have any tie to Yoongi, who seemed to have become a constant in my life. For a first time in a really long time I laughed freely with another person, nothing holding me back from the amusement and nothing weighing heavy on my mind.

When I made my way home that evening, the hopeful joy making itself known in my heart seemingly erased all the negativity of the day, of the week, of the month. The only thought that fought its way through was the flash of Yoongi in my mind as I passed the street that would eventually lead me to Pied Piper.

I turned my head straight and drove on.

The days quickly bled into weeks, into a month, until I was sweating my ass off in the office towards the end of May, the sudden heatwave hitting right after a week of storms and rains. The heat always seemed to get even more exaggerated inside the building, something about it just had to be cursed. And with how old and rundown the station really was, hoping for a working AC soon turned into a fruitless endeavour.

I spent the month the same way I spent the month before that, buried neck deep in old cold cases that never saw enough evidence or attention, cross-referencing every little thing down to wearing the same-coloured socks. Similarities started quickly adding up, and by the time I opened the 20th case I could confidently say whether it was truly a Min murder or not. I even had bets going on which one were Jungkook’s and which ones were Hoseok’s. There were even few that I suspected belonged to the Kims, but it wasn’t a theory I felt was strong enough to actually present to others. I had become something of an expert on violence.

Truly, throughout the cases, there were few names that kept repeating – names of companies that could be traced back to Yoongi’s umbrella corporation, names of middlemen that were known to hang about him, names from other cases. They all tied together a nice picture of shady business and in the middle of it all sat Yoongi, like the devil himself.

I was able to painstakingly trace some of the new cases to the older ones, fully incorporating them into the agenda after confirming truly that they were most likely victims of bad deals and finicky power dynamics. Then came the gut punch – the man that was linked to most of those cases, Moon Jiwoo, the middleman whose sole occupation seemed to be to link up wealthy influential men with Yoongi, has gone and turned into a cold case himself. This time a missing person.

Damn you, Jung Hoseok, ruining all my fun.

But obviously this was something worth looking into, given the fact that he was “taken care of” as well. So I started rearranging the files into different groups and sub-groups once again, making a pile that was directly connected to Moon Jiwoo, then a pile of cases that was linked to the victims in the first pile and then seemingly unconnected cases that were still most probably carried out by the Min gang. Thus I ended up with thirteen cases – seven that were connected to the middleman, the middleman case itself and five that had a link to the main seven. Ten more cases sat on the side, for now looking rather random, but maybe I would come to find out that they fell into the intricate web of murders I was currently looking at.

These lucky thirteen mostly had quite peculiar history of travelling between units until they ended up here. Some started off as missing persons cases until a body was found, death undetermined or suspicious enough to have the violent crimes look it over, some were first classified as an accident until someone from ours found it and pulled it over to organised crime. There were two cases that made it straight to us as soon as they were reported – the missing Moon Jiwoo, a known associate, and a dock worker that was employed by an affiliated company. Unfortunately, it was much easier to make a poor man working in the docks disappear than a filthy rich magnate, so those few cases that made it to us were mostly thin and under-investigated.

Stepping into this task, I have to admit that at first I was quite surprised that someone as infamously known for being a dangerous silent killer that almost never leaves any evidence as Hoseok had left this many cases for us to look into, but once I started properly going through them I realised that there was a stone wall at every turn and most of these cases went completely cold only a few weeks after happening. And considering it was a pure stroke of luck that even brought them to us, the chance that they would have been eventually completely forgotten was extremely high. I had to give it to him, he was extremely efficient, enough to make me progressively more annoyed every time I hit a dead end, cursing him in my mind four times a day. And I shuddered to think about the number of cases that never made it to us or that didn’t even get reported.

But now at least I had a firm idea of what would have to be investigated more thoroughly and which avenues I would look into. You bet that I was gathering those thirteen files to bring them home and put them on the map wall, silently sighing at the image of the macabre décor in my own bedroom. It was truly unfortunate it was the best room for it in my tiny tiny apartment, but sadly I was getting used to it by now. So much for calming relaxing mornings.

A cup of coffee landed on my desk and I jumped in fright, realising I had been just emptily staring at my computer screen as I went over everything I would have to do at home during the weekend and my plan starting Monday. I looked up with cheeks coloured by embarrassment, catching Cheol’s amused expression before he tipped an imaginary hat in my direction.

“Howdy, partner,” he drawled out and took a sip of his own coffee, leaning back onto a neighbouring desk and making himself as comfortable as he possibly could with the sharp edge digging into him. I chuckled at him and tipped my head in return.

“Howdy,” slipped out of my mouth easily, “thanks for the coffee.” He only smiled as a response and then nodded towards the computer and the mess of files everywhere.

“How’s it looking?” the detective asked. I sent him a faux annoyed looked, but there was a smile tugging on my lips. In the past few weeks Cheol made it his mission to check up on me regularly. He’d usually come with a cup of either coffee or tea and start asking about my progress. Since he had volunteered to be my partner in this, I understood his reasoning, but the first few times I found myself quite annoyed by his incessant questioning. Until I realised he was doing it on purpose and was just pulling my leg. After that I was able to relax and see the interaction for what it really was – an attempt to build some comradery, not an effort to press and humiliate me.

I found out he was actually pretty easy-going, he had a sense of stability and strength around him and yet still managed to be an absolute goofball, which helped me feel less nervous and I even started catching onto some of his jokes. I liked hanging out with him and I already trusted him as a teammate despite the fact that we hadn’t even gone out to the field together.

“Same as yesterday,” I told him finally, pretending to be annoyed with him, “Monday big briefing, then we can kick off.” My voice turned serious in the second half, conveying that it truly was an information he needed to keep in mind.

“Okay, I’ll be there,” he responded to just as seriously, only a small smile on his face as I nodded at him and then gestured to the mountains of files. “In the meantime I’ll have fun organising this for you, so you better not be ungrateful,” I joked right back at him, “I am not above abusing my power.” That got an amused chuckle out of him.

“Sure thing, rookie,” his voice turned slightly jokingly exaggerated, but I heard the genuineness in it, which pulled an honest grin out of me, “we’ll see about that on Monday.” With that he pushed himself off the table and started walking off somewhere, only waving around the cup in lieu of a goodbye.

On his way out, presumably back to his own unit, he passed Minjoon’s table, and I caught the man’s eye as I watched Cheol dramatically take his leave. Immediately I felt a blush spreading and I ducked my head back between the files quickly. There was a slight grin on his face witnessing my reaction, and I chastised myself to behave while at work. We weren’t highschoolers anymore and I could get in serious trouble sending puppy eyes to my colleague. If somebody caught wind of that, they’d disrespect me even more, it would become absolute hell here and I couldn’t afford to make the atmosphere even more hostile when I was barely making it now.

True to his word, Minjoon took me to the little restaurant by the office once or twice a week to eat and gave me the whole rundown of the other team’s plans and findings to keep me updated on everything going on. He would relay everything to me with care, making sure I wasn’t left out and that he wouldn’t have to awkwardly fill me in under Hwang’s hateful eyes. But we would always end up talking about everything and anything, and soon I started anticipating our dinners not because of the information, but because as soon as that was told, we would start chatting and laughing.

One moment I’d be asking about the next step against Yoongi and the next we were trading stories about the most embarrassing things we’ve done in high school or our favourite childhood spots to play in. Minjoon talked a lot about his family, about his older brothers and parents, and while I tried to avoid that topic as much as possible, I ended up also sharing some childhood stories without many details.

Honestly, those evenings became my favourite moments. The weeks and the work were both so hectic lately and I found myself swamped with cases, searching for the tiniest details, and more often than not I was going home totally exhausted with red raw eyes and a migraine that just wouldn’t leave no matter what I did. I almost perfected sleeping in a way that didn’t aggravate my headache to a point I almost threw up (I did throw up once, after I came home and almost passed out not realising I didn’t really eat anything the whole day).

The moments I spent with Minjoon were a beautiful escape, a few hours a week I forgot completely about my responsibilities and didn’t care about murders and gang activity, and only sat back and traded jokes and bashful flirts. We both have long since stopped pretending we weren’t interested in each other, and it made those encounters even more exhilarating as we danced around the attraction with careful teasing smiles and soft flirting. I was still very much nervous about the unit catching on and realising what’s going on, but Minjoon’s warm presence in my life slowly erased those fears and made me more open to the possibility. The last few meetings toed the line of propriety with more ways than one, flirtation straying further than before and Minjoon’s insistence he drives me home leaving us in a few tense charged moments by my door.

It was exciting and terrifying, but I liked the officer. He’d been the only one that went out of his way to actually accept me and treat me as a human, he helped me and pushed me through to give me opportunities to prove myself to others and he continuously cared about my well-being. I liked spending my evenings with him, he was charming and kind and we both seemed very compatible.

The only problem that stood between us and made us both hesitant to cross a line further than friendly dinners was the fact that we were not only coworkers, but team members. That left us awkwardly trying to navigate the sudden tension that arose between us without giving away how close we were getting. Honestly, every day I was nervous that Sunmi or Seungcheol would look at us and see, like it was written all over my face that I was starting to like Minjoon from a wholly unprofessional standpoint.

It was like there was a huge ticking clock hanging over my head just waiting for a disaster to happen, but it didn’t stop me from looking forward to the Friday evening every week. And Minjoon seemed to be in the same boat. But as long as we didn’t cross over to uncharted territory, we were fine.

Thus, we both just sat there in the office and exchanged timid grins, making sure no one saw us making eye contact, like we were two criminals fleeing from the law.

I tried to focus back onto my monitor, but I was absolutely fried. It was still noon, but the whole weight of the last two months just hit me and I was fighting to stay awake, knowing I was done with one of the most annoying boring tasks I’ve ever had to deal with and that from Monday I’ll be even more busy.

There was both panic and excitement coursing through me at what was waiting for me, all the possibilities from actually doing some real investigating and solving cold cases to finally having the chance to put my energy into something productive and not only sneak around Seoul at the ass crack of dawn hoping to catch a sight of a serial killer working for the most annoying man in the existence.

Finally I’d have a chance. And that was just as scary. It felt like I had twice as much to lose, given the fact I was barely tolerated now. I had everything to gain, but everything to lose. If I failed this, if I messed up or got us into trouble, it’d be the end of me on this precinct. Not successfully closing at least one of these cases wasn’t an option, I had to yield results.

For the nth time that day I tried blinking away the tiredness from my eyes and the early onset of another migraine, but as soon as it started being hard to focus through the pain, I decided it was time to give up on trying to achieve anything today.

Already having great experience with gathering my things to leave as fast as possible, I was ready to leave within five minutes of deciding to go home, the relief coursing through my veins like ice cream on a hot day. And it was a very hot today.

Still, I stopped by Minjoon’s desk, surprising him for a moment before he gave a confused smile, the question marks reflected in his eyes without him even having to ask anything. I grinned at him wildly, no doubt looking slightly insane from this angle of him looking up at me.

“You said that you haven’t questioned Yoongi yet, right?” I enquired out of nowhere, confusing him even more as he fully turned to me, and I could see him trying to figure me out. Then he slowly nodded.

“Yeah,” he drawled out, “we decided to go into offensive and start pushing him, so we’ll start questionings in the following weeks.” I nodded quickly, shooting him a rushed smile before I made my way out into the hot noon air and blasting sun, leaving supremely more confused Minjoon behind, not even giving him a chance to really say goodbye.

There’s been a thought playing around in my mind for a few days now. Was it finally time to go see Yoongi again? Now seemed to be the best time to make my grand return, remind them of my existence and cut the suspense. The team was already planning to go talk to him anyway, come June they’ll be hot on his tail, back to their strategy of annoying him. It would be kind of a sweet little treat to find out how much he knows, whether it already made it back to him and he was onto us or whether he was still blissfully unaware of what we were investigating. I was slightly embarrassed by the amount of excitement that flowed through me at the prospect of teasing the man again, of hearing his remarks, now that I fully had a leg up (though the last time I thought that it went spectacularly wrong).

I wanted to try to throw him off his high horse. To unnerve him, in the same way he always did to me. To return the favour of always finding a way to get under my skin and make me mad. I wanted that. I wanted him to know that I would be getting him behind those bars, just as I promised two months ago in The Rose.

Waiting until the evening seemed almost impossible, not even my own exhaustion that tried to lure me into hours long nap could distract me from the slowly ticking clock, and I was restless the whole day. Sitting around, staring off into space, always wanting to pick something up, some chore or an easy task, but unable to focus on anything except for whether it would be better to catch him still in the office or make a grand entrance to the Pied Piper, where he should be today.

And pulling up to said club twenty minutes after 7pm, I did pray that he was there, as I immediately recognised those same bouncers and desperately wished there wouldn’t be a repeat of that whole situation. Though, if I did manage to cockblock Yoongi twice, that would definitely put a smile on my face, that’s how petty we were getting here.

But that hardly mattered, not when I walked up to them and before I could even get a single word out of me, a mean glint present in my eyes to let them know I remembered them and I wasn’t amused by whatever bullshit they would try to pull, they were already opening the doors to me and gesturing for me to enter with smug smirks. My whole actor bit got thrown off and I stared at them shocked for a moment, before I hurried to scramble inside much to the distaste and grumbling of people waiting in the line right behind me. There was some disgruntled shouting, a warning growl and then the door fell shut and I was left in the dark hallway leading deeper into the heart of the club. That was entirely too easy.

From here, I could only sense the loud drums pulsing through the walls, their faint echo thrumming through my very bones, as I mechanically forced a foot in front of the other, pushing myself back into my carefree smug attitude. Stop being stupid, I thought to myself, something like this can’t throw you off. But it did mean that Yoongi was already no doubt alerted to my presence, sitting like a king in that red balcony waiting for me to get there.

Well, I couldn’t let him wait for long, could I? We had a game to play.

Somewhat nervously I shuffled with my clothes, choosing to show up in a little bit more club appropriate attire so I could sell my arrogance and triumph, and flaunt it properly in their face. I had to appear strong, this was a crucial moment between us and I couldn’t fumble here. Though, deep down I felt like this evening, just like all of my other encounters with the man, would inevitably end in disaster. Still, I made sure my skirt and crop top were in place, short heels properly strapped and hair and earrings where I wanted them to be, hoping my makeup still looked as okay as it did when I left my apartment.

This afternoon, as I desperately tried to come up with some sort of a plan, I had realised everyone around Yoongi always walked around in pristine high-end clothes, while I ended up running after them dressed in rags, basically. The encounter with Miss Kim only strengthened this idea within me. I had to step up my game. I had to learn how to play by their rules just enough to get away with it. So, I made sure to dress up a little. Only a tiny bit.

With a deep stabilising inhale and exhale, I set out down the hallway and down the stairs into the main room. I ignored the bar that opened up to my right and went straight for the VIP section entrance. I was anticipating to run into a little more trouble here, as I made my way towards the two unsmiling bouncers all jittery and trying to look more confident than I’ve ever been in my entire life; but upon seeing me, they just stepped to the side, unhooked the red rope and waited for me to walk through.

I did, though my nerves grew with every step I took up those stairs, knees and hands slightly shaking, and I clutched my little handbag until I risked damaging it. The upper floor, the VIP section, was just as intimate and infinitely more pleasant than the downstairs as the last time I was here, and my eyes quickly scanned through the seated guests, trying to make out whether there was someone I recognised, but it was too dark. I caught the barman’s eye and he winked at me cheekily, gesturing at an alcohol bottle he was just fiddling with, attempting to lure me in to buy a drink. My returning smile was apologetic, but it did stop me, and I found myself just awkwardly standing there looking towards the wall where I knew the balcony entrance was.

Trying out the same strategy as before, I loudly inhaled and exhaled, forced my body back into working order, and started moving slowly towards them. With every step I shoved a little more false confidence and condescending attitude to prepare myself, steadily growing surer in those heels and schooling my expression.

Just like downstairs, the bouncer moved out of my way and allowed me to enter the private zone, but as I caught a glimpse of his face, I did a hasty double take. A wry grin made it onto my face, watching the man up and down.

“Good evening, Mr. Choi,” I greeted the bodyguard with a sense of mocking in my tone, a sentiment he gladly returned in his patronising little bow he did towards me, eyes fighting to not roll to the back of his head. I chuckled and moved on, finally climbing those last few stairs.

Coming face to face with the men after such a long time was truly terrifying, especially as I stood there in my ditzy little outfit in front of several of the most dangerous criminals in the city and noted the shock and interest in their eyes as they fully took me in. Several different instincts warred through me – to hide away, to run, to flounder under their attention, to throw my attitude into their face, but all I could really manage was stand there in a manner I hoped that screamed carefully constructed indifference.

Yoongi was spread out on the central sofa, just like last time, comfortably seated in a way that almost made him seem half melted into the soft furnishing, but his eyes were sharp just like his smirk, thoroughly studying me. I could already see the cogs in his head turning, realising this was a beginning of a new game, even more exciting than the last one. I fought the shudder that tried to overtake me under his heavy gaze and instead turned my attention to the sofa next to him.

There was no Jungkook today, his dark sulking mass would be hard to miss, but Taehyung was here, elegantly sitting near the corner of his settee with one arm curling around the top of it and the other gently laid on his crossed legs. Everything about him screamed how comfortable and confident he felt, all the way to the playful smirk and studious eyes. I would have to be more careful around him, he was kind of a whole lot to deal with and I had no idea whether I could take that tonight.

But I couldn’t stop the surprise from displaying clearly on my face as I clocked in the last figure in the room, sitting close next to Taehyung, full body turned to me with a wide smile that had a dangerous edge to it and strangely deep dark eyes that had my fingers trembling in a tinge of fear. It was Hoseok, dressed in a nice suit and comfortably sitting there with a glass of alcohol loosely held in his hand, swirling over his expensive shoes. He was grinning at me like we were old friends, but somehow that made me even more wary of him, an unease setting into my insides that had me reconsidering whether tonight was a good idea.

But I was already here, so. No way but forward.

Gathering my wits back I plastered a smile on my face and regarded the three men with a cheery “Gentlemen” while I made my way towards the little chair sitting straight across from Yoongi. It was my place anyway, we all knew it, he clearly had all the unwelcome guests sitting on it to make them uncomfortable and unsure of themselves, so I had to own it as effortlessly as possible.

“Well, what a pleasant surprise, officer,” Yoongi started with his smooth voice that he only used when he was being intentionally an ass, “Come here to club and destress on a tough Friday night?” His eyes flicked down to my attire and then back to me, the amusement shining through alongside another strange glint to his eyes. He was interested in what my strategy was here, inviting me to set my starting pieces.

I ignored him and turned straight to Hoseok, finding his dark unsettling eyes already on me, but I forced myself to smirk lightly. “Shocked to see you here,” I said with my full voice, a cheeky undertone to my words, “Aren’t there enemies to be murdered? Bones to be buried?” His eyes narrowed slightly, smile turning a bit sharper. I’d never really spoken to him before, and our first exchanged words were a taunt from me? It was as brilliant as it was stupid, but it did throw the man off for a few seconds, his face immediately becoming a little more closed off, the happy smile still dutifully in place.

“Everybody deserves a day off here or there,” he retorted back, drawing an amused smirk to Taehyung’s face. Yoongi was watching us closely, studying the interaction before taking the control back.

“Could I interest you in a drink?” he asked, testing the waters, sharp eyes observing me. I nodded. He smirked. “Perfect,” he hummed, “Finally truly came here on a day off?” I only chuckled in response, watching him wave to someone behind me, presumably to Soobin. I squirmed a little on the tiny seat that simply must have been designed to torture the people sitting on it, always playing a balancing game on the little square with nothing to really lean on. The dark-haired man’s eyes still followed my every movement and he suddenly gestured to the space next to him.

“Of course, if it would be more comfortable for you, you’re welcome to join us on the settee,” Yoongi drawled out with a smirk, Taehyung hungrily watching our interaction with some sort of dark amusement glinting in his eyes. It made me shudder, nerves threatening to swallow me whole under their intense scrutiny, especially since Hoseok was also present. I would have never guessed I’d meet him here, casually drinking with Yoongi. Somehow I gained the idea that he just always crawled around in the dark like some kind of a mythical creature.

I pushed all of the uncomfortableness to the edges of my consciousness and quickly straightened, moving to the sofa in a few confident strides. This suddenly put me much closer to the man than I’ve ever been before, my stomach revolting and filling with lead. I quickly clasped my hands together nonchalantly to hide the slight tremor that started up again in them.

If Yoongi was surprised by my decision, he didn’t let it show and only continued to regard me with rampant curiousness and interest. I felt like a puzzle game that he desperately tried to solve just for fun, and it was increasingly more difficult to not start tensely shifting around; my eyes flitting around the room and lungs seizing until it was hard to consistently breathe.

I figured since I sat like this with Jimin in The Rose when I went there I’d be fine now, but I should have known that Yoongi himself was a completely different ballpark. He shifted around in his seated until he was half turned to me, leisurely lounging on the red velvet with one arm rested on the top and the other playing with a glass of what I assumed was whiskey. He was a picture of aloofness and power, all painted in black and red, and his aura was slowly crushing me like I had found myself at the bottom of the ocean. All I could do was try not to flounder too much and stand firmly.

I had come here to play their little game, to shock them and throw them off, to show them that I can keep up, that I’m not just a stupid little girl that’s in over her head. I needed to be bold, to play with them the same way they play with me. So, I took a few steadying breaths and ignored the way my whole body was screaming at me to leave, instead grinning self-assuredly at the man.

The silence stretched on, the other two men present sat back and watched Yoongi with amusement and something akin to respect in their eyes as he stared me down. For few long moments no one said anything, and Yoongi’s eyes just bored straight deep into my soul, picking me apart and making me squirm uncomfortably in my seat. Unlike the first time he did this to me, I fought to keep myself defiantly staring back but I couldn’t hold the eye contact, every few seconds flitting to something else before I looked at him again, shame creeping into my features. His smile grew larger and more entertained until I couldn’t take it anymore.

Just as I started considering just turning away from him in humiliation the moment was broken by a waiter coming in to serve me a cocktail and I exhaled deeply in relief just as Yoongi chuckled and nodded at the boy. I took the drink eagerly, absolutely ecstatic that I had something to put my attention to instead of those fuckers smiling smugly right next to me. The drink was something very fruity and it tasted sweet, my features immediately perking up in delight as the taste hit my tongue.

Next to me Yoongi chuckled again, and I pointedly ignored him until he spoke. “Your eyes are so genuine,” he muttered, something warmer than just plain amusement creeping into his voice, “Everything’s so clearly written all over your face.” I froze at the tone, my mind transported back into The Rose to the respect he so clearly showed towards me, and I almost fled the club in absolute panic at the reminder of why I distanced myself in the first place.

I wasn’t the only one thrown off though, Hoseok sitting right at the corner of my vision visibly tensed at Yoongi’s words and looked at him in a way that could only be described as a warning glare. Not that the man himself paid him any mind, though I was sure he certainly knew of what Hoseok was doing right to his side.

But even when all of my alarms were going off in my mind and I was so undeniably shown just how much I was losing control of the whole situation (if I even had any from the beginning) and how I got myself into real trouble fraternising with Yoongi and going along with his stupid little whims, trying to outwit him and always managing to play right into his hands, I still stubbornly refused to stop. I still stubbornly refused to back down and admit to myself this was slowly crossing lines I couldn’t afford to cross, I still tried to force myself to believe that it would mean my defeat, my surrender. And I couldn’t surrender, that’s what he wanted. It was pedal to the metal all the way, baby.

I pulled myself back together and shot him a carefully crafted smirk in return. “Don’t try to butter me up with your words, you’re not taking me home tonight,” it took everything in me not to flush at the insinuation, and I cocked my head to the side with a cheekiness I’ve seen from him many times before to sell it properly, giving him back what he always gave me (especially in The Rose with Jimin, those bastards). But the answering grin that immediately spread over Yoongi’s face had me nervous again. He looked like he won the lottery, like I just perfectly played into his cards. The man just leisurely brought his drink to his lips, before a look crossed his eyes.

“Of course I’m not, that police officer is,” he retorted nonchalantly, one eye cheekily looking to me to gauge my reaction over the rim of his whiskey glass. I froze, some spectacular mix of emotions passing through my face, and I had no idea what kind of expression was set there, but it greatly entertained my whole audience, all three of them grinning like wolfs that just stumbled upon a little girl in the middle of the woods. My heart gave a few painful jerks, and I buried my face in the glass again, hoping to regain some composure.

“Been following me too, huh?” I shot back weakly, head still spinning from this particular information coming out his lips. God damn him, god damn them all. The man laughed at that like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Of course, my favourite police officer just suddenly disappeared,” he said in a mock worried voice, “I had to make sure that you were alright. What if you needed help, officer?” Now my whole body trembled as I went over my whereabouts in the past two months. How much did he know? What did he see me do? Does he know what we’re investigating? Is he aware of what we’re trying to spin him into? Did I doom this operation right from the start without even realising it?

Yoongi was blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil and happily continued yapping. “Though I must say you have a rather boring life, somehow I expected a detective’s life to be more interesting,” he mocked some more, but really I didn’t care about what he thought about my life. I needed to know how much he knew about my work.

“Must have been at least a little interesting,” I tried to spin him to talk more, forcing my hands to calmly pick at my skirt to play up my aloofness, “had you interested in why the sudden absence, did I not?” He chuckled lightly, eyes dissecting me carefully with a cheeky look.

“I’m always up to indulging you and your little games, officer,” Yoongi half whispered back to me, leaning lightly forward, “Keeps my life more interesting. At least I have something to do over my lunch break.” I regarded him, spread there on the sofa leisurely like he owned the whole city, smirking himself half to death, and I decided to take a gamble.

“Oh, I have the most interesting game prepared for you,” I whispered too, subconsciously leaning in as well to make sure he heard me, “Trust me, you’re going to love it.” From this distance and under this lighting his eyes looked absolutely consumed in darkness and even as they crinkled in amusement, there was something predatory in them, especially as his lips curled up delightedly. I couldn’t help myself but think he looked almost like a tiger spirit that just managed to catch another poor soul unawares.

But when I searched the black irises for any signs of mockery or knowing, I only found pure interest and eagerness to see how this unfolds. With careful hope I allowed myself to believe that he somehow managed to miss me going to the crime scene or to Miss Kim’s house, for a short moment thanking the unit for not taking me with them as often as it clearly prevented from spoiling Yoongi his surprise.

He probably wasn’t expecting me to push an actual investigation against him at all, and probably also wasn’t warned by the Kims that we were asking around about those warehouse murders. That’s when a true smirk unfurled on my face, all the despicable joy I felt about paying him back surfacing freely onto my face.

There was a new kind of calculation reflected in his gaze, eyes never suspicious but always storing away every little detail about our interaction.

The atmosphere between us grew tense, I almost felt the air crackling, almost tasted the electricity on my tongue. I finally leaned back away from him, mirroring his relaxed posture and took a long sip of my drink.

My eyes flitted to the two other men that have just been silently sitting to the side watching the whole interaction, and suddenly I flushed realising they witnessed my shameless taunting of their boss. Hoping the light would hide any unusual colour on my face, I rather focused on deciphering their expressions.

Taehyung was watching me like a new toy that he couldn’t wait to figure out, like a game that he’s been dying to play and find out how the story ends. It made me shift uncomfortably under such raw curiosity, though I’ve been slowly getting used to the fact that he was just someone that would inevitably always throw me off. The man was basically 85 % deception and 15 % flirting, I’d rather keep myself amused by other means than striking up any kind of conversation with him.

Hoseok on the other hand had during our discussion leaned back into the sofa and he watched me with his face closed off and clean off any smile, only apprehension shining through in his gaze. He watched me with distrust and like I was a problem he wouldn’t hesitate to solve. That sent a wave of shivers and goosebumps down my back, finally giving me the opportunity to see the man behind the mask. This was the man people feared, this was the man the petty criminals respected, or they’d find themselves solved. This was the man that walked amongst the docks, and everybody listened. I fully believed that had Yoongi given the order, he’d be happy to get rid of me right here in the club.

Sitting here, drinking leisurely while these three men grinned at me like hungry wolves, I fully realised just how far deep into shit I shovelled myself with this personal justice route I had taken. Yoongi kept me around only because it amused him to watch me struggle and both Jungkook and Hoseok were firmly against indulging me.

As much as I enjoyed annoying Jungkook cause he was one of the members that always let his anger show, and that was very therapeutic for me, I was aware the reason why I was such a sore in his existence was because he hated how close Yoongi let me. Given the chance he’d prolly kill me even without Yoongi’s orders.

Other than that, Jimin and Namjoon were dangerous to be around and speak with, and Seokjin I haven’t even met, but Jimin insinuated he was also getting a little trigger happy when it came to my meddling. Now gloves were off and I was truly treading thin ice. One misstep and I would turn into a warning, just like any cop that got too close. Up until now it was all fun and games, what’s a little tailing and tracking between friends, but once I put this investigation to life, I’d truly be in danger of retribution.

I once again glanced at the satisfied grin on Yoongi’s face, at his hands gently clasped around a whiskey glass, at his relaxed shoulders and designer suit and shoes, pretty hair curling around a pretty face, and I saw the violence hiding underneath. He was good at masking his, and that made him so dangerous. It was so easy to forget what kind of man you were talking to. And from now on I would risk standing in the direct line of Hoseok’s ire as well.

I threw back the rest of the cocktail I had in my glass, my stomach protesting as I hadn’t eaten much the whole day, and I stood up to leave. I felt their stares on me, all three of them burning through me with those fiery eyes, each of them showing a different kind of craze. The gaze of a puppeteer, the gaze of a honeytrap and the gaze of a killer.

I shuddered and moved away from them, closer to the edge overlooking the rest of the club. Everyone was enjoying just a normal Friday night, having absolutely no idea what was going on just a few metres above them. I envied them a little bit, I envied how carefree they seemed.

“Feel free to enjoy yourself tonight,” Yoongi spoke suddenly into the silent tension, “The drinks are on me.” With his arm he gestured over the railing of the balcony, down to the pit of bodies moving together to the rhythm as one. Suddenly the spell was broken and I once again started to percieve the loud club music blaring throughout the whole space as it reverberated through my bones.

Without me noticing, Yoongi had stood up as well and moved to me, his presence and the warmth radiating off of his body abruptly crowding me in against the railing. I froze in a moment, just sensing him right behind, close enough to make me feel he was there but not enough to touch, as he leaned in close to whisper in my ear.

“You do deserve to let loose and relax once in a while,” he spoke to me in a hypnotising drawl, his voice turning into almost a purr, “So don’t be shy… indulge.” A full body shiver wracked through me, making me jerk in place with the force of it, and for a brief moment I wondered whether this is what it felt like to be sung by sirens into a sure death. Yoongi chuckled again, a low rumbly sound that made me twitch, and then he stepped away from me.

The cool air rushing in broke the spell and I collected my bearings again, throwing a disgruntled stare at him over my shoulder while my knees fought to work again, hands clenching the railing like it was the only thing currently keeping me alive. I just managed to catch a glimpse of the man’s sardonic grin before he turned completely and left.

The two other men stood up as well, both of their faces once again amused by my plight as I was very obviously flustered by Yoongi’s behaviour, before they stepped out right after their boss, leaving me completely alone in the luxurious balcony bathed in red velvet and sin.

Defeatedly I sat down onto the nearest sofa with an ‘oompf’, all bones turned into soup as I decompressed now that the oppressive atmosphere left with them, and blankly stared at a wall for a moment before I was able to process things normally again. My phone started wildly buzzing in my little handbag and I decided that ignoring whatever just happened and taking the distraction it offered me was a better choice than to dwell on it.

Fishing the phone out, I checked the neglected notifications, not much really coming in except for a text from Cheol confirming he read my email about the files and that he’d be ready Monday to go over it once more and some social media pings. And then, a very noticeable slew of messages from Minjoon. The first one was from 19:22, which was around the time I arrived here, asking whether I’d still be up for a dinner. It was currently over 8pm, but there was a few more asking minor questions with the newest one only from a few minutes ago.

I quickly opened the chat and answered an affirmative, my brain just begging for me to distract myself from tonight’s happenings. Minjoon was happy to hear from me and I finally took him up on the offer to drive me, as I couldn’t exactly sit behind a wheel right now.

On my way out I pointedly ignored the bartender’s small smirk, or the bouncer’s curiously raised eyebrows, I ignored Yoongi sitting at the downstairs bar chatting amicably with the guy manning it and sending me very unsubtle mirthful glances, I ignored Taehyung’s flirty wave as I passed him in the hall and most of all I ignored Hoseok leaning against a sleek black car outside of the club with a cigarette between his fingers, icy eyes following my figure for as long as he could.

The second I disappeared behind a corner I half expected him to run after me and grab me, the feeling of being watched slithering along my back in a way that made me shudder in disgust and fear. I hurried towards a bigger road, the Friday evening rush swallowing me and hiding me amidst drunken college kids, foreigners and working folk trying to forget their responsibilities for at least one night. I could relate to that, but no matter how much these meetings took away from me, they always gave me some sick satisfaction in return. And I couldn’t wait for the day I truly bested him.

I waited around for a few minutes, just enough to have the evening chill start setting into me, before a familiar car came into view, slowing down until I could hop in quickly. Minjoon smiled at me warmly, his eyes getting caught on my outfit and he fought for a few moments to keep his eyes on the road. I blushed deeply under his gaze and felt the relief of not having to police my reactions like I did with Yoongi, finally getting the chance to freely feel without fearing his mocking eyes.

“Where were you?” he asked incredulously, voice a little shaky as his glances kept getting caught on my short skirt and exposed legs. There was an electric current going through me at his obvious interest, a fire slowly waking to life right under my skin, and I found myself subconsciously trying to fold my legs in a way that make them look even prettier.

“Just out with some friends,” the lie slipped out of my lips so easily I didn’t even stop to think about feeling guilty about it, too preoccupied with feeling the tension between us slowly cracking, clutching the handbag like a lifeline and revelling in my rising heartbeat. I felt so free, so opposite of how nervous and jittery Yoongi made me. And I wanted.

“I see, I thought you were going home to rest, so I didn’t want to bother you at first,” Minjoon said, lips turning into another warm smile, which I returned tenfold, my whole face lighting up.

“I’m glad you did, I was getting hungry,” I told him teasingly, “It’s always nice with a personal chauffeur, you know?” He went along with my teasing happily, hands attractively flexing on the steering wheel as he shot me a look with one eyebrow raised, lips playing with as subtle smirk. The whole atmosphere shifted; the tension close to overflowing. Suddenly it became very clear to us that we’ve been dancing around the line for too long.

“So where to, your highness?” Minjoon asked, even though he was obviously already driving with some goal in his mind. I only grinned at him and responded: “Wherever you want, sir.”

The place turned out to be a cute little restaurant, the kind that is open at all times of the day and a girl in full club attire in the evening wasn’t a strange sight there. I had to laugh at Minjoon’s choice, as he clearly improvised upon seeing how I was dressed. But the man was watching me with something I could call fondness in eyes and that was all that mattered to me as he placed his hand on the small of my back and led me inside.

Once seated, I found that there wasn’t really even a need for talking about the team, and frankly I wasn’t even in the mood to be discussing Yoongi when I had just met with him and was doing my best to distract myself from that. Minjoon was still watching me with some sort of fascination, his gaze flickering between intrigued and sensual, and I was sure he also wasn’t particularly interested in work related topics.

We exchanged some more flirty grins while we ordered, but politely waited to be alone before starting up any kind of conversation.

“So… outing with friends?” Minjoon started, gaze once again slipping to my attire before jumping back to my face slightly flushed. I only nodded, too spent to come up with something and spend my evening lying. “I wasn’t really feeling it,” I added after slight deliberation. Minjoon grinned.

“Was feeling up to meeting me though,” the man retorted, flirty expression taking over his face, “Gonna make me feel special. Be careful or it might go to my head.” I chuckled at him, leaning over the table to graze our fingers lightly together. Minjoon’s eyes immediately jumped down and zeroed in on the place of contact before he looked back to me, eyes hooded.

Suddenly feeling parched, I licked my lips, rolling my tongue along them slowly and curled them into a sly smirk. “Everybody deserves to feel a little special,” it came out almost on a whisper, the tense atmosphere setting between us and freezing us into our spots with dark eyes and hungry stares.

I still felt jittery from my encounter earlier in the night and it mixed together with the anticipation of what was to come from this, throwing me into a whirlwind of emotions that made my body tremble slightly. My stomach was all knotted up, but it didn’t feel unpleasant, instead there was excitement brewing and slowly spreading through my bloodstream.

Even after the food arrived, the air kept getting tenser, even as we attempted to have regular conversation, it crackled between us like an onsetting storm. Every word, every sentence inlaid with telling mischievous smiles and expressive eyes. Sometimes during the dinner it started dawning on me that this was inevitable, we both were already too far. With all the flirting we’ve been doing this was really only a matter of time, and it just so happened that tonight the tension was going to explode into something that we probably shouldn’t be doing.

I looked over at Minjoon again, properly eyeing him and his expression, and when his gaze met mine and darkened as he sat there with his cheeks dusted with pink, hunched over like he was ready to launch himself over the table, sitting there like he would rather be anywhere else and preferably somewhere where there were no barriers between us, that’s when I realised he also wasn’t as opposed to this as he should have been.

The small talk flew all stilted between us and we mostly just stewed in our own cocktails of emotions and sensations, trying to chew through our food as fast as possible so we could leave; and even though it was already a little chilly outside, there was a heat coming from within that was enough for a thin line of sweat to bead along my hairline. I couldn’t imagine what picture I painted at that moment, if with one look it was obvious how the arousal was steadily rising in my veins with every another second spent just shyly exchanging heated stares.

Every so often my eyes slipped a little lower, eyeing the young man’s collarbones just peeking out from his dark green tee, sliding up and down his arms as he leaned on the table and ate, and I could see from the delighted sparkles glinting in Minjoon’s eyes that he was aware, and very much returned the favour.

God, this was definitely going to end in disaster. There was no way we could avoid this any longer.

And I was right.

Once done with the food, we sat around for a moment just looking at each other silently, before Minjoon finally gestured towards the door. “You wanna go? I’ll drive you home,” he offered immediately, the kind words that I was already used to by now tinged by something a little more tonight. I nodded and after some flirty arguing over who’s going to pay, I finally surrendered and went outside to wait for Minjoon to settle the bill.

The cold air rushed over me and cooled my burning skin a little and I took a few big breaths to ground myself. The night Seoul was loud and lively, I found myself surrounded by joyful groups and couples dressed in their best sitting in restaurants and eating or walking around the sidewalk laughing, clearly aiming for one of the establishments in the area. It was quite refreshing to see, and I lost myself in the rush and buzz, watching others enjoy themselves.

And that’s how Minjoon found me when he came out, sitting on a little wall by the sidewalk dreamily staring off into the distance. He came over, hand going straight to my face, gently catching a strand of my hair and slowly pushing it behind my ear. He lingered there for a moment, fingertips brushing the reddening tip as all the blood rushed to my face in a mighty blush. On instinct I ducked my head being too flustered and broke the contact, but the man just smoothly moved to my shoulder, pushing me up to stand.

He was very natural in his movements, pulling me to his side and wrapping his arm around my shoulders very lightly, and I just went with it, too shy to express it but too happy to go against it. I fought against the instinct to giggle like a schoolgirl and set out to his car, which was quite a short walk, and unfortunately to my apartment it was a quite short drive as well, even in the restless silence that stretched between us.

Our arrival at my doorstep seemed to have come sooner than I was anticipating, sooner than I was ready to end this little outing. I turned to the brown-haired man and studied his face for a moment. We steadily exchanged eye contact, the tension between us back with vengeance, my throat drying up under his dark gaze. I was fluttering on the edge of propriety, in my head still repeating all the reasons why this was such a bad idea, but it didn’t seem to matter when Minjoon watched me with the same longing and desperation. I felt my skin heating up, my insides stirring with something I haven’t properly felt in such a long time it hit me with a ferocity I wasn’t prepared for.

“Aren’t you going to go home?” he whispered so lightly I almost didn’t hear him. He sounded slightly breathless, tone curious and probing.

“Can you walk me to the door?” I shot back immediately, almost unthinking. He licked his lips, his kind face getting twisted with something akin to intense desire before he quickly nodded, and we both scrambled to get out of his car.

The walk was brief, of course it was. I lived on a second floor and my door was accessible from an outside walkway, so all we had to do was clear two stories of stairs and we suddenly found ourselves by my tiny apartment.

I turned to Minjoon, something expectant in the air between us, and each second ticking by felt like a countdown to the inevitable. I wasn’t ready to end this night here. I knew I wasn’t. And judging by Minjoon’s bottomless eyes, I could confidently gamble on his interest and hit jackpot every time.

As the tense silence stretched out a little, neither of really sure how to tackle this situation as we were caught in the ‘will we won’t we’ and ‘should we shouldn’t we’, until I decided to break the curse. Stepping a little closer and looking up at him through my lashes, my hand latching onto the sleeve of his jean jacket that he put on in the car and tugging lightly, I steeled myself and jumped over the line head first.

“Do you want a cup of coffee before you go?” the whispered question escaped my lips and hung for a few moments between us. I watched as if in slow motion as Minjoon took it in and nodded once, then twice, and then his hand caught mine.

I turned hastily towards the door, jabbing the key in and pushing inside without a single thought in my mind. It turned out, there wasn’t even a need for an awkward pretending of drinking anything, because the second the door closed behind us, we were on each other.

It was like dam broke between us and we suddenly couldn’t stop, couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Minjoon kissed me quickly and desperately and I fought to keep up, hands going around his neck immediately while his snaked around my waist. Taking off shoes long forgotten, we stumbled inside and towards the sofa.

In that moment, I didn’t have the mental capacity to think about the huge maps in my bedroom. I didn’t realise how lucky I was we didn’t make it any further, too lost in the way Minjoon’s tongue was finally sliding against mine and how his calloused hands caressing my sides felt a lot like heaven.

And when he inevitably got his hands on my skirt and I inevitably thought of Yoongi’s eyes taking me in when I arrived at the balcony, and when Minjoon pulled me closer and I thought of Yoongi’s presence caging me in with his warmth against the railing, of his lips turning into a smug smirk as Minjoon kissed me, then I just pressed my eyes closed harder and tangled my hands into his short brown hair, banishing all thoughts of curly black locks far away into the deepest corner of my mind.

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[queerprayers]

Hello Johanna :), sorry to drop something so negative into your inbox, but I was wondering if you'd have any wisdom or insight to share about how to square God's love with a disabling condition I have which is over time becoming more and more disabling, and taking away the things I love and which filled me with life when I was able. I lean on God so much, but I am finding it difficult to feel loved (and loving) when everything is taken. I was an athletic person, that was taken away, I loved to read all day and watch films - I am now unable to focus my eyes on a book or screen for more than 10 minutes at a time and rely almost entirely on text to speech. Even typing this out hurts. Life hurts right now, I know God's love is here, always, but I don't know where to find it when I struggle to see, struggle to walk, am stuck in an extremely small and limited life. I can't help feeling that I would be a much better Christian if I could see without struggle and pain, could read more, watch 2 hour films again, if I could walk and run in nature like I loved to do. I could help people with my body and my mind. I feel like an empty cup for the world and for God. Anything you throw at this I would love to receive

Hello beloved, I'm doing my best to keep this succinct for your sake, but this is not one of my strengths, for which I apologize. I do live with disability, but I don't pretend to understand your experience and if I say something you don't connect with or doesn't reflect your life, I hope you'll forgive me. Thank you for using some of your precious energy to reach out to me—I'll try to make it worth it.

No apologies for negativity. This is honesty. Personally I hate unearned positivity. Your pain is real, and I know what it is to lose the ability to do something beautiful or important or even just not boring. I want to give you hope, not optimism without substance.

The reality is, the ways we serve God have to change. Money, time, energy, broken relationships, aging, illness, disability—our lives are impermanent and fragile, and we cannot depend on any of it. Once we think we've figured it out, the tables turn. The minute I think I get it, that I am living out what I believe, something always happens. The things you mentioned have been ways you've given the world such beautiful gifts, and sooner than most, you are losing some of them. In my care for my neighbor and my grandparents, I see how frustrating and embarrassing it is to need help with things that used to be easy. How limiting it is to have to find a different, more achievable hobby. But such is the way of a moving, mortal life.

I'm so glad you know that God's love is present and something to lean on. The ways you honored God with your action were manifestations of that love—but the story cannot stop there. God willing, most of us will live long enough to be disabled. If action were the only to honor God, we would be instructed to denounce those without it. We may as well die young. And of course there are Christians (and many others) who have treated disabled people like this. But Jesus directly answered a question put to him (for a change) to tell us that no one sinned for a man to be born blind—there is no straying or lack of serving God or punishment in disability, whether in our ancestors or us. Rather, the works of God are displayed in him. (Yes, there's a whole lot more to the chapter, but I'm only going to make this point instead of a hundred.)

You say you could be "a much better Christian"—it is true that the good Christian you imagine, the one you used to be, the one you would be if only things were different, is not someone you can be right now. If I had more money, I would give more to others. If I had less fatigue, I could be more politically active like I used to be. Maybe I could have been a musician, without my chronic pain. If my grandfather had not developed Alzheimers, he could have preached a decade longer. There are so many ways we could be the good Christians we imagine in our head—but they aren't real. We live in this world, not one with no limitations. We would all be much better people if we never got a headache or never had to worry about paying rent or never experienced trauma. Some things we can change, by putting in the work in our personal lives or in our community to bring about more justice and health—but our world is not something to be fixed. It is somewhere to live, trusting that God has a future for us, one where "mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away."

So, we cannot be the Christians we imagine in our heads, if only the world had not happened to us. The question then is, what Christians will we be? In our small lives, with our limitations, when things are taken from us, when our cups are empty. It's easy to be generous when we have too much, but Jesus said blessed are the poor. It's easy to protect others when we are strong and in control, but Jesus said blessed are the meek. It's easy to ignore suffering when we are not affected, but Jesus said blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. What kind of Christians will we be, with what we are given? Meek ones, hungry ones, poor ones. God's grace can only pour into empty cups. God's power is made perfect in weakness.

I just read the first chapter of God Hunger (by John Kirvan), which was on Longing through the words of C.S. Lewis. Lewis says that "This hunger is better than any other fullness; this poverty better than all other wealth." It is better to long for God than to be satisfied with the world. Which does not make it hurt less, only makes it holy. And If this is not enough for you right now, know that you do not have to walk the road alone. 

Moses could not speak as he was called to, so Aaron spoke for him. We can't do everything, nor can we do it alone. And what you still have, no matter if it is small, is what you were given to give back to the world. If it is rest today, so be it. Asking for me to throw my words at this may have been all you had that day. And our small connection, your willingness to ask for help, my thoughts (if there's even a shred of usefulness in them), glorify God.

For everything there is a season. In my church, our prayers ask that those who need help may have "understanding helpers and the willingness to accept help." This always strikes me. God is glorified when we help, but also when we accept help. Without the beloved, there is no love. I desperately hope you have understanding helpers, with time and energy for you. But you are also part of those good works—accepting care with grace.

Paul tells us that just as the body has many parts and yet is one body, so it is with Christ. That we were all baptized into the same body. "If the ear should say, 'Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,; that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?" We need each other. Sometimes our lot in life is to care for others, and sometimes to be cared for—but really, they are one and the same, part of the same body of Christ. 

Love is not equal, it is not fair. Christianity makes no room for equitable exchange or reciprocity or bargaining. What we cannot give to the world, God asks us to receive anyway. When we give things up for Lent, I like to think we are coming closer to the state of having nothing but God. You have no choice, which is full of pain. But the final truth still stands: when we have nothing but God, we have everything.

You're in my prayers. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you as you are, in the new ways you will find to exist, in the knowledge that disabled people throughout history have found strength in the love of God, that the better Christians we become exist in our own lives—we don't believe in alternate universes. There is this, now, and there is the world to come. Advent brings us hope for both these things. Be an open cup, for the world and for God. It will not be filled with the past, but the future.

<3 Johanna

[bluemooniegif]

Let's talk about Coats in Bungou Stray Dogs, and what they mean

[i.e. a repost of perhaps my most famous BSD analysis ever]

Mild spoilers for Beast, Dark Era, and Dazai, Chuuya, 15 ahead! (I'm thinking of posting an explanation of how the Beast Universe works soon anyway... lmk if that's something you'd like!)

If you've come across this theory before (uve most likely seen me talk about it on tiktok or youtube), you've probably heard already that the coat or outerwear a character is wearing (especially if it's different from the rest of their outfit) is indicative of the persona that they're trying to project.

You may have noticed, for example, that the colour and the way that Dazai wears his coat changes depending on the organisation and universe he's in. Let's start by taking a look at his Port Mafia outfit from the Canon universe:

As you look, remember that Dazai joined the Port Mafia against his will. He only joins because Mori promises that if he's useful to him, he'll provide Dazai with a quick and painless way to die:

And now I want to get into why Dazai doesn't actually want to die, but that's a whole other post for a later time.

So, Dazai joins the Mafia, rather begrudgingly, and dons the relevant 'uniform' as he does. This is necessary to show Mori and he other members of the PM that he is committing to the role; it is necessary for survival.

The important thing to note here, however, is that he wears his coat off-the-shoulder. Of course, this could just be chalked up to the questionable fashion standards of teenage boys, but when we consider that the coat is like a representation of the Mafia's values... it becomes an indication that Dazai is putting on a persona; one that he's ready to throw away at the drop of a hat. The are three reasons I know this is how he feels for sure:

we saw the exact moment Mori recruited him, and how reluctant he was to join;

he actually did throw it all away the second he had the chance;

Beast. let me explain.

Have a look at Dazai's outfit in Beast, where he takes on the role of Mafia Boss:

There are several notable differences here, but for a moment I just want to focus on the fact that he's wearing his coat properly. That was the one thing that really struck me as significant the first time I read BEAST: in the world where Dazai has to fully commit to the role if he wants his plans to work out, he pushes himself to play the part, regardless of how he feels.

The next huge difference lies in the bandages: here, his left eye is covered, whereas in the Canon manga his right eye is covered. There are several theories we could derive from this: a popular one is that each eye represents light and dark, respectively. In the Canon universe, Dazai covered the eye that saw the light, so he could more easily resign himself to living in darkness. Then, Oda pulled the bandages away, and he found himself running towards the light. I could talk about this for hours, but for the sake of brevity... ouchies.

Moving on. Another thing to note is that, duh, there's a bigass scarf around his neck here. Why? How? It looks an awful lot like Mori's... which could mean nothing. Just like how his ADA coat looking like Oda's could mean nothing. Haha so normal guys don't even worry about it!!

ANYWAY. Coats. Isn't it interesting that Akutagawa also properly wears his coat (a hand-me-down from Dazai, nonetheless) and spends a vast majority of his time trying to prove that he is worthy of being in such a high position within the PM? Isn't it interesting that his ability, the entire reason he became the Mafia's guard dog, relies on that very coat? His entire personality and reason for living becomes so entrapped within Rashoumon that the two are practically inseparable.

In Beast, when he's given a coat that echoes that of Oda's, he still uses it (via Rashoumon) like a shield, and like a weapon... but he tries to learn how to be more gentle. The beginnings and intentions are almost the same, but the outcomes are totally different. Which is very telling. I'll let you connect the remaining dots on that one.

Now, there is one more Mafioso character who wears his coat off-the-shoulder in Canon. But for some reason, in BEAST, he doesn't wear a coat at all... Strange, right?

I am, of course, talking about Chuuya. And the thing about Chuuya is that defining the representative idea of his coat is much more difficult than it was with Dazai, purely because there was so much going on at the time he joined the Mafia. He was betrayed by his closest family, while simultaneously feeling like he betrayed them. He had no choice but to accept Dazai's offer, which was actually Mori's offer. He'd been backed into this corner by Dazai, but also by the Sheep, and he'd lost everything, but was being offered all the things he used to pine after: answers, protection, relative safety. Maybe even family, something he could devote himself to- but all this lay in the hands of the organisation he'd promised to eradicate. He was going through it, as the poets say.

Personally, if I were to assign his coat with a specific ideal/persona, it would be this: acceptance of the Mafia, and hatred towards Dazai. Just like Dazai, wearing his coat off-the-shoulder indicates that he doesn't fully prescribe to their ideals... but in this instance, it also means that he doesn't truly hate Dazai like he claims.

I know, fork in the kitchen. But I also want to point out something that helps drive this perspective home for me: whenever they fight together, as Soukoku, Chuuya takes his coat off. He has a lot of fighting quirks, actually- he always keeps his hands in his pockets (something that is echoed by Dazai ohmygod I cry whenever I think about it), takes his hat off for Corruption (this is discussed in-depth in Storm Bringer), takes off his gloves when he wants to ramp up Tainted Sorrow. But, just like the coat, this only happens whenever Dazai is around. Chuuya literally and figuratively bares himself to Dazai, which can be read as something necessary for him to be saved by No Longer Human, yes, but it would be remis of anyone to ignore the fact of their trust in one another.

There's one more reason that I think these two ideals are so intertwined: it is, you guessed it, Beast!

The interesting thing is that here, where you'd almost expect him to wear something similar, Chuuya simply doesn't have a coat at all. Why is that?

If we follow the same logic that we did for Dazai, we can assume immediately that Chuuya doesn't want to hide behind a facade here. He has no facade to consider hiding behind. He's honest about his work with the PM, and open about his complex feelings towards Dazai- mostly his hatred, though that manifests purely because he's frustrated; a part of him knows Dazai can be doing better, or working differently, but he can't understand why. Or maybe he does understand why, and this frustrates him even more.

It's extremely complicated, and I feel like the way I've said things makes no sense, but I hope it's at least got you thinking. What does this truly mean for Chuuya? What does it mean for Atsushi, who doesn't wear a coat in canon, but does in Beast?

(I already have a post delving into Atsushi's character design, which I think is genuinely one of the coolest things ever!! I don't discuss Beast in it, but it's a great starting point if you're interested <3)

I feel like I've rambled on too much, but I'm fighting brain fog rn so this is as coherent as it gets. I hope this has helped you learn something, or made you interested in delving deeper into costume design in BSD as a whole. I kiss you mwah!!!