#for context im also fat and im tired of seeing shit like this happen to fat/plus size/chubby characters

[somefuckingguysblog]

Who was going to tell me that apparently, people made fanon Madky obbsessed eith cheesecake to basically fat shame canon Masky? Did I really have to find that out on my own

[ot3-watch]

Episode 5: The Mile High Job

WHY IS THIS EPISODE 8

FUCK THE NETWORK I’M VERY TIRED

So we’re starting on a client testimony. Which is sad because I kind of like the context establishing scenes

Sophie being French is hilarious

I’m not saying Hardison shouldn’t be able to take off when he needs to. I am saying that MAYBE THEY SHOULD PLAN HEISTS FOR DAYS WHEN THEY ARE A MEMBER SHORT?

Also, why does Hardison not put his food on a plate before he puts it in the microwave. That spinning plate does not get washed nearly enough for that to be sanitary

OK wait did Hardison just flake out? THEN WHY DID THEY NOT POSTPONE?

THEY SHOULD HAVE PLANNED THIS MUCH BETTER

I love Parker being magic and teleporting

The security guards always seem like idiots and tbh, working where I work with the security guards being who they are, I feel like it’s all bullshit and a disservice to security guards.

I love the Doctor WHo references. TOM AND SARAH JANE BAKER YES MA’AM

But also did no one make a Doctor Who comment? Like really. I know Tom Baker is probably a common name but I really want to know what happens when they get a whovian checking their IDs

THe poor flight attendant. That sucks. Can you imagine getting a COMPLETELY fake call that your cat might be put down? I’m sorry, I can’t. Completely innocent people get screwed by them sometimes and I feel bad

Eliot remembers everyone he’s slept with I love him.

THIS POOR FLIGHT ATTENDANT? WHat happens when she comes back and everyone is side eyeing her and being bitchy?

I hate the trope of girlfriends or love interests being overly sensitive about people remembering tiny details. Especially when they aren’t actually together. Especially when it happened years ago. Especially when they hold it against them for the whole episode.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE TERRIBLE MEMORIES OK

Also, this is Nate. It’s a shock he has any brain cells left with how drunk he is 99% of the time. Get OVER yourself Sophie.

PLACE YOUR MASK OVER YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE ok Leverage predicting the future…

Parker being a terrible flight attendant is hilarious

Did I like her in this episode? I think I liked her in this episode

Eliot suffering through economy I can’t

I feel bad for the woman, but like… stop pushing? I know she’s nervous but the flight attendant is trying to do her job. I mean, it’s Parker, but in any normal situation…

Hardison pulls the same “You’re such a racist” bit every time he gets in a sticky situation, and it always works? Can you imagine if he tried to pull that on an actual racist?

Do planes have bars like that? I’ve been on plenty of planes and i’ve never seen a bar like that

Im never in first class though so whatever

OKAY GUYS THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE IS ONE OF THE LIBRARIANS MOVIES

Which means noah wyle exists in the leverage universe.

HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK WITH THE REBOOT THOUGH?

Unless they just… expected no one to notice? To be fair, it’s not like they focused on it

They probably just needed a movie they could use without securing rights first or running into copyright issues

But still… paradoxes

Eliot just going through a bunch of random people's bags…

HE AND PARKER MOVING AROUND EACH OTHER SO COMFORTABLY THOUGH

THIS IS SEASON ONE WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD TOGETHER ALREADY

I LOVE THEM GUYS

Parker. That’s not reassuring Parker. Parker that’s just terrifying. WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT PARKER?? pARKER?? i’M CONCERNED PARKER!

I really hate Sophie getting mad at nate for this shit. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It just makes Sophie seem unreasonable and bitchy

OK BUT Hardison and the woman bonding IMMEDIATELY over nerdy gaming is so great

Also i like that they made the other nerd a woman is great

OK but he is not talking nearly silently enough for the ONLY other person in the room to just stop listening to him?

Could you imagine the person you were talking to randomly stops talking, looks upset, and then sticks his head in the cabinet? And starts muttering to himself?

LIKE EITHER HE CAN’T TELL REALITY FROM FANTASY OR HES A SPY

WHY ARE YOU NOT SUSPICIOUS??

He really does pull this shit off really well.

The amount of men in that conference room is oppressive and very realistic ina very sad way

Parker must be in a thief’s paradise

OKAY I REMEMBER NOW AND I DID LIKE PARKER IN THIS EPISODE

“Nobody tells me anything”

THAT’S SUCH A MOOD

Literally the job I’m working in right now is exactly like that

My job is literally to know things and help people and provide them with the information they need

AND STILL I’M ONE OF THE LAST TO FIND THINGS OUT

IT’S VERY FRUSTRATING OK

WHy can I not remember why they’re going after genegrow? Someone died I think? But i cannot remember

“The guy in 1D wants to kill you. Ginger Ale?”

Why is it that all i can think about right now is harry styles and niall horan

I mean I KNOW why but like… why

I LOVE them but why?

WHAT IS THIS OFFICE WOMAN’S NAME I LOVE HER

How does no one question Hardison showing up out of nowhere though?

Im just saying… supposedly it’s “Dave’s” birthday, and they think they should have already known about it? He just started that job on that day?

Unless he’s pretending to have been there forever but even then…

This makes no sense? I’m so confused?

Eliot beating a guy up in an airport bathroom is fantastic

But also you can’t fit one person in a airport bathroom, let alone two

THe view from the top is much smaller than the shots from the side

Parker: the guy we just took out? Eliot: -_- Parker: The guy Eliot just took out?

Sophie always seems so shocked by the inhumanity of some of these people they interact with. Nate’s like “Yeah, people are awful” and Eliot’s like “I see worse all the time” and Parker’s like “Is this meant to be weird or something?” but Sophie’s like “WHAt? Someone wants people DEAD? And might KILL US IN THE PROCESS?”

Is the art theft world just not so violent?

Even hardison doesn’t seem shocked, just upset and offended. Sophie’s always like OoO though and it gets weird?

Now both Eliot AND Nate are fitting in the bathroom? With an already unconscious guy? I’VE BEEN IN AIRPLANE BATHROOMS. THEY AREN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THAT.

Unless i’m just fat. Which is an option.

Why do people have random wires in their luggage? Who travels with a giant bundle of wires in their luggage?

Oh look. The red head was right. There is a tailwind

OK But THE OXYGEN MASKS CAME DOWN AND NO ONE IS TRYING TO PUT ONE ON?

I know they’re panicking but still

Nate really does just throw things at hardison and then Hardison goes like WHAT I CAN’T DO THIS and then he does it.

HOW is Hardison THAT talented it’s ridiculous

WE all talk about Eliot being hyper-competent in everything when Hardison is literally right there

Not to say that eliot doesn’t deserve attention because he does and I love him

I LOVE ELIOT OKAY

I’m just saying Hardison deserves more credit

HOW DID THEY NOT HIT ANY CARS WHEN THEY WERE LANDING? THERE ARE CARS RIGHT THERE? ANd then there’s suddenly no cars in font of them when they land ? It’s all deserted?

HARDISON IS SO GOOD THOUGH

How did they set up a party for “Dave” so quickly?

WHY DOES NO ONE LOOK TO SEE WHO DAVE WAS YELLING AT?

Everyone is so done with Hardison and honestly? Fair. He might’ve saved them, but he also screwed them over earlier. It came in handy, but still.

I really could not give less of a shit about the Nate Sophie storyline in this episode. In most of season one really. It’s all shitty and annoying

FINAL THOUGHTS: 8/10. Points off for people not acting like people. Points off for the shitty Sophie/Nate stuff. Extra points for Eliot being Eliot. (There will always be extra points for Eliot being Eliot). Extra points for Hardison’s badassery. Extra points because I liked Parker in this episode. Extra points for nerd girl. You go nerd girl. Points off because I literally remember nothing about this episode except for Hardison being awesome, the office scenes, and the fact that there was a plane crash. Why were they on the plane? No idea. Can’t remember.

Sam count: 3/5

IYS count: 2/5 (Am I remembering this wrong? I felt like there were more? Then again, I’m only 5 episodes in)

[justdyingslowly]

1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on

2. Nationality Australian

3. Age 22

4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp

6. Gender wamon

7. Sexuality very very hetero

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous

9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning

-

11. Your birth order head first

12. How many siblings do you have? 1

13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.

14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.

15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?

16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.

17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.

18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.

20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.

-

21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.

22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.

23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.

24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.

25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha

26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?

27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.

28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.

29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too

30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff

31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.

32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck

35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.

36. Your pet peeves open doors.

37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

38. Any scars? internal? yes

39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky

40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this

41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken

42. What do you daydream about? all might

43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.

45. Your personality type me

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.

47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks

50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.

51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu

52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter

54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD

55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public

56. Favourite aesthetic? all might

57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.

-

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song

60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita

62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi

65. Do you like karaoke? no.

66. Own any albums? yes? many?

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -

68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?

70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.

71. Which fictional character is you? uh

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this

73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill

74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.

76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable

77. Favourite youtubers? many

78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece

82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here

84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back

85. Are you into dramas? what kind

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee

-

95. Cold or hot? cold.

96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas

100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.

[colorisbyshe]

did u see that dumb ass shit that happened with jamila jameel? 🙄

the one where she was criticized as a straight non-black woman with zero ballroom experience and she dealt with the criticism by going “oh, i mean i’m still a non-black woman with no experience but actually i’m QUEER (no definition given to what she means by that) and I bring a FANBASE to this SUPER OBSCURE CONCEPT. I QUIT TWITTER!”

i was chill with her taking up the body positivity shit, even though she’s no longer fat and tbh… was never actually like Fat Fat, just like… mildly chubby.

but then she did a ~body positivity at all sizes shoot in a fashion magazine that didn’t offer anything plus size

and then she unleashed some… side eye worthy comments that have come off as anti-black and frankly were

and then she supported ellen being besties with george bush because “I was in england and didn’t know he was that bad” (bitch you were in your 20s??)

and now this

and it’s like……… you should’ve just stuck to being on the good place and calling out celebs for selling teenagers laxative tea

also i am SO fucking TIRED of celebrities entering lgbt spaces (whether it be about singing about ‘teehee when i get drunk i wanna kiss girls!’ or doing shit like this) and then being like “WELL I GUESS YOU CRAZY GAYS FORCED ME TO COME OUT!!! I have been given NO CHOICE but to SAY IM MAYBE INTO THE SAME GENDER BUT WILL NEVER EVER ACT ON IT, JUST SO YOU GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK”

like mAYBE don’t do things that you can only do if you are L G B or T if you are not L G B or T or ARE L G B or T but do not feel comfortable saying so

i’m against pressuring ANYONE to come out but if you are in a context where you HAVE to be lgbt to do what you’re doing, don’t be fucking surprised when people are upset when you seemingly aren’t lgbt and your two options left are either take the criticism or come out. like… FUCK.

but then to use the “being FORCED to come out” bit to get away from the criticism of also being in a space where you don’t belong (ie a historically black space) makes it even worse. like don’t fucking leverage the ‘uwu i’m gay too’ shit  when that’s not even the primary issue.

i haven’t watched the last season of the good place yet but i SWEAR i’m gonan be thinking of this shit every time i see tahani because it’s so obnoxious

“i bring in a fresh perspective as a person who doesn’t know jackshit about this” shut UP

[radiohorizon]

5 million years later...

1.Who was the last person you held hands with? Romantically, Emily. Friendwise, Arin or Annabelle i cant remember 
2. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends on who I’m around. If I’m comfortable in the situation, I’m outgoing but if I’m not im the shyest person ever 
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My baby cousin whos like 3 weeks old😍 
4. Are you easy to get along with? Extremely 
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Uh i hope so? Idk I’ve never been in the situation 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Kind, sarcastic assholes, who have my weird ass sense of humor and adore animals 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I have no idea🤷🏼‍♀️ 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? My best friend. He’s going through a really hard time and I don’t know how to help him feel better 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Depends on the context and people I’m having the conversation with 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Bea. She always lets me vent tf out and always gives the greatest advice, even if I don’t wanna hear it 
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Sorry bud😉” 
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Missing Teeth- Vanity Theft Smokestacks- Layla Open Hands- Ingrid Michaelson Saturn- Sleeping At Last Castle- Halsey 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yesssss😍 
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Absofreakinglutely 
15. What good thing happened this summer? Vacation with Katie and Kristy; met Bea 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I mean probably. We kissed and it didn’t mean anything, it was more for fun than anything else 
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Heck yeah. Lightyears of planets and other galaxies? No way we’re here alone 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yeah kinda. We aren’t that close and I don’t really care to be lmao 
19. Do you like bubble baths? Love them😍 
20. Do you like your neighbors? For the most part yes. 
21. What are you bad habits? Picking at the skin around my nails and biting my cheek with im anxious or bored; not letting go; trusting easily; eating too much; not taking care of myself; selfharm 
22. Where would you like to travel? Across the country; the dead sea; egypt; hawaii; Cancun; Australia; basically anywhere 
23. Do you have trust issues? Horrible trust issues 
24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Seeing my cat 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Honestly i dont know. I have issues with my stomach, back, butt, boobs, thighs, calves, wrists, arms, fingers, ankles, face, chest. Basically anywhere there is fat and/or acne and/or stretch marks and/or scars 
26. What do you do when you wake up? Go on my phone, brush my hair, brush my teeth and then whatever comes next 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Darker. I’m pale as shit 
28. Who are you most comfortable around? Probably Bea or Stevie 
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yeah, 1. And then she continued to ignore me and treat me like shit so🤷🏼‍♀️ 
30. Do you ever want to get married? Yep! In my back yard with my dad as the dude who marries me and my future wife and gives me away 
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Heck yeah boi 
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Ruby Rose and Mila Kunis 
33. Spell your name with your chin. Herg (Beth) 
34. Do you play sports? What sports? Dance (10 years), Cheer(2 years) and soccer (maybe 5 years) 
35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Without TV hands down 
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yeppers 
37. What do you say during awkward silences? “Uhhhhhh” or just laugh awkwardly or “why is it so quiet” 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy? 🤷🏼‍♀️ honestly just want someone that’s kind and strong willed and has a big heart and loves cats as much as me. My “type” literally doesn’t exist so 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Kohls, Ross, HotTopic, Rue 21, Forever 21, Big Lots, Macy’s 
40. What do you want to do after high school? College and then Police Academy 
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? 100% but not everyone deserves a 3rd 
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m super upset and probably feel nauseous and shaky and am about to start crying or go into an anxiety attack or something. Or im just tired as fuck 
43. Do you smile at strangers? Yeppers 
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Bottom of the ocean 
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Anxiety of failing school 
46. What are you paranoid about? Losing the people I love to the same issues I have dealt with 
47. Have you ever been high? Yeeep 
48. Have you ever been drunk? Noooope 
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Not that I can think of? 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Red 
51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yes, a lot actually 
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My body 
53. Favourite makeup brand? Lorac 
54. Favourite store? Ross or Kohls 
55. Favourite blog? Humans of New York 
56. Favourite colour? Dark Purple 
57. Favourite food? Cheeseburger or red peppers 
58. Last thing you ate? Ice cream 
59. First thing you ate this morning? Toast 
60. Ever won a competition? For what? No but I got 2 in gymnastics when i was 8😌 
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Nopee 
62. Been arrested? For what? Nopee 
63. Ever been in love? Yeppers and kinda scared of it happening again🤷🏼‍♀️ 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? First peck kiss was during my choir concert in a literal closet with my then girlfriend with a bunch of my friends circling around us so no one would see First kiss kiss was with my then crush and it was so not expected but super romantic so 
65. Are you hungry right now? Not reallg 
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I dont really have tumblr friends that arent my real friends so no? 
67. Facebook or Twitter? Tweeter 
68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr 
69. Are you watching tv right now? Yeah actually lol 
70. Names of your bestfriends? Katie, Kristy, Andrew, Elizabeth, Abby, Beatrice, Hailey, Kyle, Annabelle, Tyler 
71. Craving something? What? Pink Lemonade 
72. What colour are your towels? Multicolors 
72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1 but used to sleep with 2 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Yepp. A teddy bear the twins gave me in 1st grade, a puppy from my mom when I was born, a unicorn, a kitty and a Pegasus unicorn kitty named Puck 
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? A shit ton 
75. Favourite animal? Monkey or cats 
76. What colour is your underwear? Olive green 
77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate and vanilla swirl 
78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookies and cream 
79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black 
80. What colour pants? Black 
81. Favourite tv show? NCIS or Criminal Minds or Shameless or the OLD scoobydoo, none of that new bullshit 
82. Favourite movie? Chitty chitty band bang 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean girls 
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Gretchen 
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Crush 
87. First person you talked to today? Bea 
88. Last person you talked to today? Lacey 
89. Name a person you hate? No one 
90. Name a person you love? My momma 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? #fucktrump and this bitch at school but not gonna cause it aint worth it 
92. In a fight with someone? Nope 
93. How many sweatpants do you have? Like 3 
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? About 3 that i wear, but a lot that dont fit me anymore 
95. Last movie you watched? The Remains 
96. Favourite actress? Jennifer Lawrence 
97. Favourite actor? Josh Hucherson or Gerard Butler 
98. Do you tan a lot? Not at all. Only burn so theres no point 
99. Have any pets? 2 cats and 1 puppy 
100. How are you feeling? Tired, alone, but a little happier 
101. Do you type fast? Ye but im shit at it 
102. Do you regret anything from your past? Certain things with my ex, and not starting cheer sooner but other than that no 
103. Can you spell well? HA no 
104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes, a few people 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party? No but i wish): 
106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Not that i know or 
107. Have you ever been on a horse? Mhm 
108. What should you be doing? Sleeping 
109. Is something irritating you right now? My wrist hurts like a bitch and this person is ignoring me like i never existed so there’s that 
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Yepp 
111. Do you have trust issues? Lol yes 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Abby 
113. What was your childhood nickname? Beth 
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yeah 
115. Do you play the Wii? Not really 
116. Are you listening to music right now? No 
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Ew no 
118. Do you like Chinese food? Heck yeaaah😍 
119. Favourite book? Yo this is impossible to answer 
120. Are you afraid of the dark? Yeah fuck that shit but also cant sleep unless its completely dark?? 
121. Are you mean? No i dont think so 
122. Is cheating ever okay? Nope 
123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Lol no 
124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Sorta kinda 
125. Do you believe in true love? Yes 
126. Are you currently bored? Yeeeep 
127. What makes you happy? Little random things. Finding a good book, getting a compliment, shaving, random presents even if it seems little or insignificant, seeing my parents together 
128. Would you change your name? No. Ive grown to love and cherish it 
129. What your zodiac sign? Pisces 
130. Do you like subway? Not really 
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Already been through that🙄 tell them how I feel and respect their feelings 
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Bea 
133. Favourite lyrics right now? “Open hands are hard to hold onto anyway” 
134. Can you count to one million? No way 
135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “No mom i didnt get into your makeup or perfume!” As i had her makeup smeared on my face and i smelled like a brothel 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Teeny bit open so my cat can get in and out but preferred closed 
137. How tall are you? A whopping 5ft 1 
138. Curly or Straight hair? On me? Straight/curly/wavy friss mess On others? Dont have a preference 
139. Brunette or Blonde? On me? Light brunette, wish i still had blonde hair 
140. Summer or Winter? Summer 
141. Night or Day? Night 
142. Favourite month? Probably may or july or October 
143. Are you a vegetarian? No but i respect everyone that is 
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk 
145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee 
146. Was today a good day? I mean it wasnt bad but nothing made it good so i guess sure? 
147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers 
148. What’s your favourite quote? Lose the battle win the war 
149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes 
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line Theres literally no books around me rn and im sad about it

@lovestream-dreams

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.