#for awhile i was only sleeping from like 6-9am

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I fucked up my sleep schedule real bad y'all

[amelialincoln]

Are u gonna write after tonight’s episode like u usually do? hope you focus on when link left but also after the hug thanks xx

Fragile 

“Because I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not in recovery…” Link continued yelling but all Amelia could focus on was how much she wanted to slap him on his very perfectly symmetrical face. As if asking him if he was drunk at 9am was such a crazy idea when he started drinking at 12pm yesterday. It wasn’t like she was shaming him or telling him how uncomfortable it really made her, she was just worried about him, more than herself. Of course she’d noticed his little guitar drinking sessions. Whiskey had been lingering on his breath for the past week every time he crawled into bed. The slamming of the front door brought her back to reality. She went to put the Whiskey back on the shelf and realized it was gone.

“Auntie ‘mels, where’s uncle Link?” Amelia turned to find Ellis standing in the doorway to the backyard and she tried to hold back some of the tears that were forming in her eyes out of frustration. “He’s gone,” She replied, realizing she hadn’t retained where he said he was going. “But he’ll be back soon.” She tried to hide the uncertainty in her eyes. “You wanna come garden?”

“Yes!” Ellis squealed.

“Alright then,” Amelia laughed lightly for her nieces sake. “Not for too long though because Scout is going to wake up from his nap soon. You go pick the bulbs and I’ll be there in a second.”

“Maybe daffodils? Or tulips?”

“Surprise me.” Amelia gushed, brushing a strand of hair out of the excited girl’s face and smiling as she took off into the backyard. She went back to the dishes she was putting into the dishwasher before her and Link’s quarrel, knocking one of them off the counter as she abruptly turned and it clattered to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. “Damn it,” she cursed, momentarily wanting to throw another one at the wall.

“Amelia.” Maggie had entered the kitchen upon hearing the noise. “You okay?” She could see that her sister was on the verge of tears.

“I’m fine,” she replied coldly, pushing past Maggie as she tried to wrap her arms around her and stormed out into the backyard. “Don’t let the kids in the kitchen, I’ll clean it up when I’m done in the garden,” she called over her shoulder. Maggie sighed, picking up the ceramic shards, of what used to be her sister’s favourite plate, before sweeping up the rest of the mess. She wondered momentarily where Link had gone and wondered briefly if he had anything to do with Amelia's abruptness. Sometimes it shocked her how little she knew the man who was raising a baby, and taking care of all of Meredith's children, with Amelia. She had no suspicion of Link being abusive, and Amelia had never seemed happier...or exhausted, but if anyone could be taken advantage of, despite being such a strong minded person, it was her. Maggie hadn’t heard the extent of the awful things that Owen had said, but if anyone needed more confirmation that she was worthy of love, it was Amelia. As Maggie gazed out into the backyard to find Ellie sitting on her auntie's lap and giggling uncontrollably, she could practically feel her blood boiling.

[][][]

Amelia spent the rest of the day doing what she did every day, cleaning, feeding and worrying. This time not only about Meredith, but about her boyfriend who drove off with a 2 6 practically full of hard alcohol without a word about where he was going.

“Bailey, leave your sister alone,” Amelia called from her spot on the lawn chair. Scout was nestled into her chest sleeping and she glanced at him worriedly to make sure he was still asleep. “Bailey, we do not pull hair!” Zola had been having a hard enough day with the heavy conversation they’d had earlier that afternoon, she didn’t need Bailey yanking on her pigtails in an attempt to distract her from studying.

“But I’m bored,” Bailey whined, drawing out the end of his sentence until Amelia wanted to cover her ears.

“Why don’t you go see what Ellis is doing?” Amelia offered, lowering her voice as Scout started to stir.

“Ellis is boring,” Bailey complained. If Amelia heard that word one more time she thought she might explode. 

“We’re all bored, Bailey,” she sighed, trying to think of something her nephew could do. “Have you studied for your spelling test tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’ll be getting ten out of ten like Zola?” She asked.

“No, ten out of ten is impossible for everyone other than Zola,” Bailey groaned.

“Okay, here’s my idea. If you can get eight out of ten, you can have an extra half hour of screen time tomorrow.”

“Really?” Bailey’s eyes lit up like a CT scan. “Wait, eight out of ten is still way too hard.” Amelia shrugged.

“Better get studying then.” 

“Fine,” Bailey grumbled. “I’ll go study.” Amelia gave him a thumbs up and tried not roll her eyes as he trudged into the house. She glanced down at Scout who was pawning for her nipple and laughed lightly before moving her tank top to the side, wishing Link could be here to laugh at their adorable boy with her.

“Hey what’s up?” She yawned, sliding open her vibrating phone to reveal Maggie’s maskless face. “You on a break?” 

“Yeah, managed to squeeze in lunch,” Maggie sighed, taking a bite of her sandwich. “It’s like the great depression over here.”

“Yikes.” 

“Yeah, Winston and I are working on a case. It’s weird but we’re working well together.” 

“That’s good,” Amelia grinned, feeling better about him after their breakfast together this morning. “He fits into Grey Sloan?”

“Yeah, looks great in the navy blue,” Maggie chuckled, her eyes darting to the door and momentarily lifting her mask to her face before setting it back down. “Have to find closets to eat in at this point,” she joked. “The cafeteria freaks me out.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Amelia shrugged, shifting Scout to the other side uncomfortably.

“Is Link back?” Maggie asked, watching her sister’s face darken.

“No,” she replied simply. “He’ll probably be soon though.”

“Are you guys okay?” Maggie blurted out. “Like are you okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Amelia replied defensively, stunned by the seriousness in Maggie’s voice.

“He’s been drinking a lot, Amelia, we all noticed it. That’s not fair to you and the plate--”

“Whoa,” Amelia interrupted her quickly. “Maggie, I’m in recovery but I’m good. I have a lot to be sober for right now so I’m...good.”

“Well, I’m happy you're so good,” Maggie replied, unconvincingly. “It doesn’t really seem respectful though. Just because you’ve been in recovery for awhile doesn’t mean anything. You can relapse after being sober for years. I’ve seen it with Richard, it’s a never ending cycle.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Amelia bit her lip, surprised by how easily Maggie seemed to understand.

“Like it’s not that I feel uncomfortable having a glass of wine around you. You’ve been to parties where everyone’s been wasted, it's just...I don’t feel comfortable leaving you with someone that’s using alcohol in the same way that you once did.”

“To turn off,” The worried sister confirmed.

“He’s getting drunk by himself in the garage, Amelia.”

“I know.” She hugged Scout tightly into her chest for support and the baby gurgled with happiness at the sudden affection from his mother.

“You guys made an amazing kid.”

“I know,” her response is teary as she glances down at the big blue eyes staring back up at her. “That’s the issue. Everything is so perfect when it comes to him, until it isn’t.”

“Meaning?” The anger in Maggie’s voice caused her to flinch.

“He’s not hitting me, Maggie,” she said softly in case the kids were eavesdropping. Her sister’s demeanour seemed to relax. “Did you honestly think that?”

“No, of course not. We all love Link. He’s perfect. I just feel like I barely know him. Like deeply, you know? He’s not an open book like you.”

“I know,” she sighed. “Sometimes I feel that way too. I have no idea where he is right now, Maggie. I’m worried,” her voice cracked almost unnoticeably.

“He’s a grown adult, Amelia,” Maggie answered with resentment. “He can at least take care of himself if he’s going to leave you alone with four kids for however long.” She glanced up at the door. “Look, I’ve got to go but I can come over tonight and we can talk.”

“It’s fine. Thanks for calling but just spend the night with Winston. You’ve been over enough.” 

“Okay, but just text me if you need anything.” Her voice was muffled as she secured her mask and ended the FaceTime.

[][][]

Amelia glanced at her phone for what seemed like the hundredth time that day as she tucked the last Shepherd kid into bed.

“Where's Uncle Link?” Eliis complained, disappointed by only receiving three stories from an exhausted Amelia.

“He’ll be back soon, bug,” Amelia promised. “You have an early zoom class tomorrow so we can only read three tonight, okay?”

“Uncle Link would read me five anyways,” she whined, tears brimming in her blue eyes. 

“Come on, Ellie,” Amelia wanted to cry with her. “We had a big day.”

“I don’t want you, I want my mom. Why did you make my mom go away?” The stubborn girl complained, rubbing her puffy eyes with her fists.

“I didn’t, sweetheart. She’ll be back soon too,” she was too tired not to tell her otherwise tonight.

“Really?” Ellis asked with a small smile.

“Yep,” Amelia nodded, regretting it instantly. “Now go to bed and time will go by faster.”

“Okay,” her niece finally caved, snuggling into her polka dotted duvet. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Amelia sighed, turning off the lamp as she exited the room and breathing a sigh of relief, momentarily lingering with her back against the door.

“Hey, Link’s voice caused her to jump. “Sorry.” He handed her a steaming cup of green tea that she drank each night. What he didn’t know was that she’d been needing some sort of beverage nightly to distract her from wanting anything else.

“Thanks.” She wrapped her hands around the warm ceramic mug and tried to step away from the intoxicating smell of whiskey that he was exuding.

“Sorry it’s bad,” he apologized, running a tired hand through his hair. His eyes were rimmed with red and he looked as if he’d just staggered home from who knows where.

“Were you at a bar or...”

“I went to Deluca’s thing,” he answered messily. “With Jo, we went and it was nice. Did you--”

“Yeah, I watched most of it, you were day drinking with Jo?” It’s not that she didn’t trust them, she knew how much Jo meant to Link and she never wanted to come between that, but did she still feel the tiniest bit jealous? Absolutely.

“In her loft. They were tested like yesterday.”

“They?”

“Jackson was there too.”

“Ah,” she took a sip of the tea and closed her eyes momentarily.

“You look tired,” he observed and she almost laughed at him.

“Um, yeah. They’re all a lot for one person,” she replied, gesturing to the four shut doors in the hallway.

“Maggie and Winston left?” He scratched the back of his head with confusion.

“They had work today.”

“Oh...right.” They stood together awkwardly before Amelia turned towards their bedroom.

“You need to shower and brush your teeth. I need a good sleep,” she yawned, not offering an explanation for why him reeking of hard liquor would cause her another sleepless night, since he obviously hadn’t put two and two together. “Wait is that--” She shut their bedroom door and crawled into bed before he could finish.

[][][]

Link finally came to bed about a half hour later, slamming his shin against the bed frame as he stumbled into the dark room.  

“Are you okay?” Amelia’s voice rang out in the darkness.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he groaned, lowering himself cautiously onto the mattress and sliding under the covers. “Look, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” she rolled away from him tiredly, closing her eyes.

“If you don’t want me to keep liquor in the house I won’t,” he spoke clearly into the darkness.

“Link, I don’t need you to hide liquor or drinking from me,” Amelia sighed. “If anything, I feel more uncomfortable when you do it in secret.”

“I thought that would be better for you,” he responded truthfully.

“How would you know? You didn’t ask me.” Silence hung in the air and she debated going back to sleep.

“Amelia it’s hard.”

“It’s hard for everyone, Link. You don’t get to act like you’re the only one keeping secrets or walking on eggshells or losing people right now. People are grieving and dying. That doesn’t make what we’re experiencing any less hard. I’m going crazy. But I’m not diminishing how others are feeling by shoving my problems in their faces and comparing who has it worse. It’s not a competition.”

“Okay, did Jo tell you--”

“Jo didn’t tell me shit. I don’t have time to talk to Jo or make calls about where you are. I don’t have time to be worrying about where you are or if you’re safe while trying to keep an entire household of people together.”

“I should’ve been here today.”

“Yeah,” she tried to remove any hint of emotion in her voice. “I needed you.”

“I brushed my teeth and I used that plastic thing...that makes all the bubbles.”

“You used my loofah?” She tried to hide her amusement.

“Can you just come here?” He pleaded, opening his arms and allowing her burrow herself in his neck. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“I know,” she sighed. “Just no more lies or we won’t make it.” He nodded, holding her closely as her breathing deepened into his chest.  

[vintagedolan]

forgetful (egd)

it’s not like Ethan to forget things, so there’s no way he forgot your birthday... right?

word count: 4.2k

requested by: anon (thank you beeb!) 

warnings/tags: sad!ethan, forgetting of a birthday, panic attack, mentions of sean, angst (but it’s resolved cause im a weak fluffy bitch oops)

feel free to send in requests! i’ll write most things! hope you enjoy :)

This was one elaborate plan, you’d give him that. And he was hiding everything so well that you were ridiculously impressed. You went along with it, not wanting him to think that you were suspicious of anything.

“You all packed?” You asked, pouting a bit as he zipped up his bag and stood it up on its wheels. 

“Yep. It’s just for a few days, I’ll be back on Thursday. Need some family time with Mom,” he reassured you. 

Thursday. Your birthday. 

You never really made a big deal out of birthdays but after you had gotten Ethan two new custom longboards for his, he had promised you an epic celebration for your big day. And he hadn’t let you in on the secret at all. It took all your self control not to pry and ask questions as you followed him out to the car where Grayson was waiting. Was he even going to Jersey? Or was this all some big ploy? You wouldn’t put it past him. Either way, you knew you weren’t going to see him for a few days, which pulled at your heart strings a bit.

“Okay, well fly safe, and let me know when you all get there,” you wrapped your arms around his torso, squeezing tight. He nuzzled into your hair for a moment, squeezing you even tighter than he usually did. Between the way he was talking and that, you could tell something was definitely going on. 

“I will. I love you,” he said, leaning down to kiss you goodbye. It was quicker than usual. It only convinced you more.

“Love you too,” you smiled at him, letting go and moving to hug Grayson goodbye. You waved until they were out of sight before going inside, with a million thoughts of what he could be up to running through your head. 

He text you a quick made it safe about 6 hours later, right on time for a landing in New Jersey. You sent back some hearts and a response. 

Have fun hanging with your mom, I know you’ve missed her. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you! It was a subtle way of trying to assure him that he didn’t need to be talking to you when he should be visiting with his family. 

He sent back a I will baby, I love you too and you left it at that. 

The next day went by fairly slow for a Monday. You piddled around the house, getting some work done and generally just relaxing. Ethan FaceTimed you around noon, and was acting even weirder than before. Something was definitely up, and you couldn’t help but get a little bit excited. He must be planning something big if he was this nervous about it. 

Tuesday was even weirder. He sent you a good morning text, but you didn’t hear from him again until that evening, and when he called you could tell that he was exhausted and wasn’t much in the mood for talking. It puzzled you some, but worried you more than anything. 

“Are you okay baby? You seem a bit off,” you asked.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I need to go to bed. I love you.”

“I love you too, get some rest.” 

By Wednesday, you were actually starting to get concerned. You considered texting Grayson - if Ethan was actually upset about something, his brother would probably tell you. But you felt bad at the idea of going behind Ethan’s back so you waited. 

It was 9pm your time, which was midnight back in Jersey, when he finally facetimed you. He was in a bit higher spirits, which made you smile. His day was much more interesting than yours had been, so you listened to him talk about anything and everything, just content to hear his voice. When he finally got through all the events, he asked all about yours. There wasn’t much to tell, but you walked him through.

“I’m sure tomorrow will be more eventful,” you teased, rolling your eyes a bit.

“Yeah, about that. Cam is coming to surprise mom tomorrow, and Gray and I are gonna stay an extra day so we can see her. It’s been ages since we’ve all been home,” he explained. You balked. Was he kidding? You watched him closely, trying to see if he was joking or not. You noticed that he was fidgeting a little bit, one of his nervous habits. Something else was up. 

It clicked for you then - he was probably setting up the surprise, wanting you to think that he wasn’t even going to be in the state. Sneaky.

“Okay, that’s fine,” you responded, secretly looking around the screen to see if you could spot a camera. He would be filming this for sure if there was a video, and you didn’t want to ruin it.

“I was wondering if you could do me a favor tomorrow though. Louis Vuitton is getting a shipment of new stuff in for me and Gray, and we’re supposed to pick specific stuff by Saturday, do you think you could go get it and bring it home so we have more time to decide once we get back?” 

There it was. 

The weird get-you-to-a-certain-place excuse that was customary with any Ethan surprise. You breathed out a sigh - for a second there you really thought that he had forgotten. This was one of his less creative ideas, but you rolled with it anyways. 

“Yeah, I can get it. What time am I supposed to go?”

“Whenever is fine! Thank you baby,” he offered you a soft smile.

Weird. Usually he would be specific on a time. Oh well. He definitely just needed you out of the house so he could set up whatever it was. 

“You’re welcome. Isn’t it like 1am there now? You should be asleep,” you reminded him.

“Yeah, we’ve gotta get Cam pretty early in the morning so you’re probably right. Well, I love you, I’ll check on you tomorrow. Goodnight!”

“I love you too, goodnight baby.”

It was hard to sleep that night. Your mind was racing with a million different things, trying to think of what he would be planning. He was probably on a plane already. You woke up throughout the night, convinced you were hearing him sneaking in. But eventually you fell asleep with no dreams.

And when you woke up the next morning around 9am the house was empty and quiet. You didn’t feel any older, and to be honest it didn’t feel much different from your past few birthdays - you usually spent them alone. You walked around the house cautiously, peeking around corners to see if someone was there to jump out and surprise you. No one showed, so you simply went to the kitchen and made yourself a quick breakfast. 

Once that was done, you went back to Ethan’s bathroom and started getting ready. It had been awhile since you’d done a full face of makeup, and you put on one of your favorite outfits as well just to make you feel nice.

As you were putting your shoes on, you felt your phone buzz. 

Morning baby! what’re you up to? was the text from Ethan that came across your screen. 

morning! I’m headed to louis to get your alls clothes

You felt the butterflies starting to mount as you headed out to the car. Who knew what was gonna be there when you got back. Deciding to make the most of it, you stopped by your favorite coffee shop and got a drink on your way to the store. The workers were nice as always, even helping you to get all the garment bags into your car before waving as you drove off. 

The excitement mounted with each minute that passed on the way home. You were practically bouncing by the time you got to the driveway, opening the gate and pulling in. Nothing looked different - of course, he would have hidden the cars somewhere. 

You gathered all the garment bags, holding them high above you so they didn’t drag the ground, hoping you wouldn’t drop them if someone jumped out. 

Opening the door slowly, you braced yourself.

And nothing. 

Nothing happened. 

You kept walking, placing the bags down over the couch. 

“Hello?” You said, listening to the echo. There was no response. And then it hit you like a ton of bricks. 

No one was here. 

No one was coming.

You’d been forgotten. 

The tears came quickly, hot and angry down your cheeks. It took a moment for you to realize that you were actually embarrassed. You’d made up a whole scenario in your head that your boyfriend was planning some major surprise for you, when in reality he was actually across the country with no idea what day it even was. It stung much more than you thought it would. 

And so, you sat on the floor and cried, leaving tear stains on your outfit and throwing a full on pity party. You felt stupid, and childish, and unloved all at the same time. A tiny sliver of hope remained, but when you got a snapchat from Grayson of them in the car with Cam, it faded too. 

After about an hour you managed to get yourself up off the floor, going through the motions. You hung the boys clothes up in their closets, cleaned up your makeup; it was still your birthday. You were going to try to have a good day if you could. So you went back out to the grocery and bought yourself a cake. A whole ass cake in your favorite flavor, and you had the bakers write “happy birthday to me” on top of it in white icing. 

As you drove back to the house, your sadness started to turn into anger. You didn’t deserve this shit. You deserved to be celebrated on the one fucking day of the year that was about you. And you were happy that Ethan was getting to see his sister - you really were. If he had told you about it and been apologetic that he couldn’t be there for your birthday, you would have understood. But it was so very obvious that he’d completely forgotten, and that was what bothered you the most out of anything. 

When your phone rang with a facetime from him, you knew better than to answer it. You would say something that you really, really regretted. You let it ring through as you pulled in the driveway, carrying your cake inside and sitting it on the counter. Your phone rang again, and you ignored it. 

He seemed to give up, and sent you a text instead.

Hey baby, we ended up needing to get a flight tonight so I should be home around 11 or so your time. didn’t want you to get scared if you heard me. can’t wait to see you, I missed you!

You closed your phone. You didn’t trust yourself to not be an asshole. You knew that as soon as Ethan realized what was going on he was going to feel absolutely terrible. So you didn’t want to be a complete asshole. But... that didn’t mean you couldn’t be a little bit petty. 

So you decided to stay up until he got home. And by stay up, that meant waiting in the kitchen for him with your cake on the counter so he could realize exactly what had happened. Petty. But justified. 

The wait was long, but worth it when you finally heard them coming down the driveway. You started eating the cake, making sure to just get the corners because you wanted the words to stay visible.

The door clicked open and shut, and you heard the rustling of the boys coming in.

“Tell Y/N I said hey if she’s up, I’m going the fuck to sleep,” you heard Grayson explain, not even coming into the kitchen.

Good. You didn’t want him in the middle of all this anyways. 

Ethan almost passed you on his way to his room, but you caught his eye. His entire face lit up when he saw you, and you felt your resolve to be petty crack a little. He was so damn cute, it was hard to stay mad at him. 

“Baby you didn’t need to stay up! I figured you’d gone to sleep early since you didn’t answer earlier,” he grinned, coming over to you. 

“I’m awake.” Your tone stopped him in his tracks - he was on his way to kiss you, no doubt. You were even surprised at how mad you sounded. It wasn’t like you to pick a fight. 

“I can see that. Are you okay?” He was more cautious now, looking around to see if he could figure out what was happening. You gave him a minute before you took another bite of cake to give him a clue.

He looked down at the icing, and you watched him mouth the words as he read it. 

“Did you buy a clearance cake or something? What’s going on? I’m confused.”

“I can wait until you figure it out.” 

You watched the gears turn in his head. When he looked up from the pastry, his eyes were wide. 

“What’s today’s date?” He asked, his voice meek.

“I’ll give you one guess,” you murmured, taking another bite.

“Oh no. Oh no no no no,” he said, hands coming up to his hair. He held his head for a moment, and you noticed that his chest was rising and falling too fast. He stumbled a bit, reaching back to catch himself on the counter. His hand slipped slightly - was he sweating?

You pieced it together immediately. 

Panic attack.

Any anger, any pettiness you had flew out the window. You dropped your fork, running over to him and grabbing his hand. 

“C’mon, come with me Ethan it’s okay,” you said, guiding him as quickly as you could to the room you shared. They always resolved quicker if he was in his most comforting place, so when you got him in the room you immediately guided him to sit on the bed. 

You knelt in front of him, holding his hands in yours. 

“Breathe in while I squeeze, out when I let go, okay? Just like we always do, and it’ll stop. I’m right here,” you reassured him, squeezing his hands. To your relief he was able to take a deep breath in with you, but he exhaled immediately, panic still overriding. 

“You’re. You’re gonna - leave.” He was gasping through the words.

“Ethan I’m right here. I’m right here, I’m not leaving, no matter what. Just breathe baby, just breathe.” 

It took almost 15 minutes to get him fully calmed down, and you only knew it was over when he opened up his arms for you. You climbed onto his lap, no hesitation, wrapping your arms around him. 

It didn’t matter how angry you were - nothing was worse than seeing the man you loved in pain. You couldn’t stand it. 

“I am actually the biggest piece of shit to walk the face of the earth,” he mumbled into your shoulder a few moments later. You shook your head, pressing a kiss to his hair. 

“No you aren’t, I’m -”

“If you apologize, I swear to god,” he cut you off and you fell silent as he sat up and looked at you. “Please, please do not try to make me feel better right now.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” You asked honestly. You felt guilty that your pettiness had caused him to panic so quickly. 

“Yell at me, scream at me, be fucking pissed off that I literally forgot the most important day of the fucking year,” he said, exasperated. 

“I’m not gonna do that.” You couldn’t do that was the correct answer. “Besides, I already had my fun. With the cake.” 

Ethan looked like he was going to explode.

“So I forget that today is your birthday. Not only do I not have a whole party and surprise for you, but I don’t even say happy birthday. And you spend the entire day alone, while I’m just fucking around on the other side of the country.”

“You were with your family, that’s not fucking around.” 

“While I’m just fucking around on the other side of the United States-” he repeated. “And your revenge on me was to buy yourself a cake...”

“And be petty about it,” you shrugged. He looked at you in disbelief. And honestly, you were surprised at yourself too. You’d been so hurt and mad earlier, but all that anger had left you somehow. Something about being with Ethan put you at peace, even in the most unsettling of situations.

“That wasn’t even being petty! What do you even mean!? How are you not screaming at me right now!?” He practically yelled. 

“I mean yeah, I was sad, but I pretty much hurt my own feelings.”

His face was actually red with frustration.

“Please explain what ridiculous way you’ve convinced yourself of that.”

You hesitated.

“It’s gonna make you sad.” 

He didn’t say anything, and you sighed, knowing he was gonna make you tell him. You looked down, toying with the hem of his shirt as you explained.

“Well, I thought it was kinda weird that you were going home so close to my birthday, so I kinda convinced myself that maybe you were surprising me or something. Like pretending to be gone, but actually you were gonna be here. And you seemed off while you were home, so I thought maybe you were just planning stuff, or maybe you were nervous about pulling it off. And I thought you asked me to go to Louis to get the clothes so you had time to set stuff up. But then when I got back I realized you were still in Jersey. So really it was only bad because I thought something was happening.”

“I am a piece of shit,” he repeated after a moment. 

“What was going on in Jersey that had you acting so weird?” You poised, trying to change the subject. He was going to continue beating himself up over forgetting, and there wasn’t much you could do to stop him, but you were genuinely curious as to what had been going on. You knew him well enough that you were sure that it was something - you’d just assumed wrong when guessing it was about you. 

His arms tightened around you slightly, pulling you to his chest while his cheek rested on your shoulder. Sometimes, he found it easier to talk about things when he wasn’t looking right at you. 

“It was Mom and Dad’s anniversary last week. It’s always really hard for her, and Grayson and I wanted to go see her to make sure she was alright, but we couldn’t get out there on the actual day. But we went to his grave on Tuesday, and I realized I hadn’t been back out there since the funeral. It stirred up a lot of emotions for everybody, but it was really nice being home with my family, even just for a little while. We facetimed with Cam while we were there, and she got upset too and wanted to see everybody so we got her a flight to come up for the day.”

You took a minute to process everything, and then you leaned back so that you could look at Ethan.

“Baby why didn’t you tell me? If I’d known all that I would have told you to stay longer.”

“I just... I didn’t want it to be a big deal. It shouldn’t be a big deal.” 

“Yes it should. Your family is the most important thing to you, it always has been and it always will be. That comes before anything,” you reassured him. “If your mom was having a hard time, you did the right thing by going to see her when you could.”

“My dad always handled everything so well. Always had a million things going on at once and never dropped anything. And I can’t even remember two fucking things.” His voice was getting rougher, and you could tell his throat was tight. You put a hand behind his neck, running your fingers through the hairs at the nape of it.

“I just wish I could be more like him. I always fuck everything up.” 

“You don’t Ethan. You’re more like your dad than you’ll ever know, he raised you to be an amazing man. I see parts of him in you everyday.” 

And for some reason those words broke him down, and he began to sob. You hadn’t seen him cry like that in a while, but when you had, no words could comfort him. So you just held him tightly and let him cry his way through it, running your fingers along his back gently and occasionally pressing a kiss to his temple. 

When he had finally cried himself out he just melted into your shoulder and let you hold him for a while. It was a few more minutes before he spoke.

“This must be a wonderful birthday for you. Your asshole boyfriend forgets about it, then comes home and spends the last hour of it in a panic attack and then bawling like a baby over his dead dad. I sure do know how to bring the party huh.” 

You leaned back to meet his eyes, and he had been so monotone through the whole thing that you couldn’t help but laugh. Your giggle caused him to start to crack, and before you knew it you were both cackling so hard you were crying.

“We’re quite the duo,” you teased, taking his face in your hands and wiping his tears away.

“I really am so sorry baby. I feel terrible.” 

“It’s alright Ethan. You had a reason, and to be honest it was kinda fun being petty for a minute. I don’t get to do it often,” you said. He was already forgiven. To your surprise, instead of arguing, he took your wrist in his hand, turning it to look at the time on your watch. 

11:58

“It’s still your birthday. Can I give you your present?”

“You got me a present?” You perked up.

“Of course I did, I’m not that shitty.”

“Gimme,” you smiled, holding out your hands. He smiled at that, putting his hands on your hips and lifting you off his lap. You watched him as he went to his closet, reaching behind one of his shoe boxes to pull out a small blue wrapped box, followed by an envelope. You made a grabby hand at it, making him chuckle as he handed them over.

“Which one should I open first?” 

“You’re the birthday girl, you decide,” he grinned.

You opted for the envelope, pulling it open and looking inside. There were a few pieces of paper, but you chose the one with Ethan’s handwriting on it first. In his messy scrawl you read:

plus a shopping spree for anything you want to take with us :) 

“Take with us? Where are we going?!” You exclaimed.

“Open the rest of it,” he urged. 

You reached in and found two plane tickets to Maui. 

“Holy shit! We’re going to Hawaii!?” 

“We leave in two weeks. I figured it was about time we went there by ourselves. I got us a nice little villa to stay at, and we’re gonna go clothes shopping for whatever you want. Though, I do request you pick out many, many bikinis.”

You smacked his chest before you kissed him.

“This is too much. Way too much.”

“Not possible. Here, open this one. It’s not as exciting, but I think you’ll still like it.” He passed you the box and ripped off the paper. What else could he have possibly gotten you?

When you pulled open the box, you gasped. It was a beautiful ring, with a raw black crystal on it that had a tiny blue stone nestled in it. It was obviously hand crafted, and it was just your style.

“Ethan this is beautiful,” you said, picking it up and admiring it. “What kind of crystal is this?”

“It’s black tourmaline, and the little stone is zircon, which is my birthstone. Black tourmaline is for protection, so it’s my promise to you that I’m always going to keep you safe.” He took the ring from your hand and slid it onto your finger. 

“I love you,” was the only response you could form as you crawled forward and settled yourself back in his lap. You kissed him hard, trying to say what you wanted without the words. No one had ever gotten you a gift so meaningful. He kissed you back, responding to each move you made, reciprocating as you lead, hands wandering. 

He took you by surprise when he stood up, hands moving to your ass as he lifted you and carried you towards the door.

“Where are we going?” In all honesty, you didn’t care. 

“I’m declaring it birthday week, and we’re celebrating every day. So we’re starting day two with cake.”

“I have sad news.”

His feet stopped and he looked at you, quirking an eyebrow.

“It’s not dairy free.”

He gasped a bit in mock hurt, but it turned into a smile that you kissed off his lips a moment later.

“Well then, I’ll just watch you eat cake and think of all the ways I’m going to spoil you until your next birthday to make up for this one.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” 

[soysaucevictim]

Starting up a new challenge and a new program, this week!

-

Sept. 19

I woke up proper around noon.

After some chatting, I went right into today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 2′ overhead punches with EC. I counted 264 punches thrown - wasn’t 100% on maintaining that 2/sec pace, but I did it! Always a fun exercise in my book!

Second, Day 1 of the Indoor Cardio Challenge. Picked some cardio to serve as the warm-ups in my docket. 3x1′ butt kicks with 30″ rests. Thought abt counting my reps here - but eh. Didn’t feel like doing that, just so I could take mind off of one additional thing. Got a decent amount winded here.

Last, Day 1 of the 30 More Days of Yoga Program. Strength/flexibility work to complement the cardio! I think this is going to be a lot fun, but today already kicked my butt a little (and made the stomach a little unhappy)! I’m glad practicing other yoga workouts (including YwA’s stuff) has made it easier to sight-read and coordinate the flows.

Then, I made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. A revisited dish, this time. Cheesy black bean enchiladas. Still rather like this recipe. Did some dishes, after that.

Spent rest of night drawing and chatting.

Got to bed obscenely late - barely an allnighter.

-

Sept. 20

I woke a up a bit before 1AM.

I did my exercise early, too.

First, today’s DD. 30 circle crunches with EC (15/15). Just about doable.

Second, Day 2 of the ICC. 3x8 calf raises. I decided to do these in one set. Calves were mildly sore, beforehand. But manageable

Last, Day 2 of the 30MDoY. This was a pretty chill sequence, the boat pose being the only real outlier in intensity (and the bridges to a lesser extent.) I loved doing the whole thing, though~

Did some sketches, watched some movies, and chatted for a few hours.

I spent most of the rest of my night finishing up that series of iZ!Roman busts.

I basically pulled an allnighter... getting to bed around 9AM tomorrow.

(I guess I was having problems dealing with some anxiety, but I will just let go of and not get into details on... especially since it got resolved.)

-

Sept. 21

I woke up around 11AM.

First, today’s DD. 40 squat step backs with EC. This was pretty manageable. Probably could’ve negotiated the floor space better than I did. Got reasonably aerobic - though I kind of expected as much.

Second, Day 3 of the ICC. 3x1′ butt kicks with 30″ rests. I maintained a jogging pace, given just how dead tired I was walking into this one. Thankfully, this was the only remaining active exercise I had to do today.

Last, Day 3 of the 30MDoY. 20′ meditation. Been awhile since I went for that long - both challenging and relaxing. I went easy on myself and sat against bed and tried to just focus on belly breathing again. Mind wandered a bit, some partially clear images flashed in my imagination, and did catch myself almost nodding  off a few times. But yeah, I appreciate this sort of thing a lot!

Spent the next few hours chatting and browsing places.

Got to bed proper, late, but yeah. I was really tired at that point.

-

Sept. 22

I woke up around 11AM.

Wrote some notes and went to my psych appointment today. Wearing a binder was a dubious choice for the heat and short walk from clinic to grandma’s place. But oh well.

Got home spent a good several hours chatting messing around with fandom blog.

I did my exercise extremely late.

First, today’s DD. 40 seagulls with EC. It was a decent call to put on something with long sleeves. Thought about 20/20ing it but wound up alternating (despite that method tending to abrade the elbows more.) But manageable.

Second, Day 4 of the ICC. 3x8 calf raises. One go, with a few extra. Again, this is pretty breezy work.

Last, Day 4 of the 30MDoY. It was a good call to wait a bit to do this, since it has a lot of prone floor work. I made the upward dogs a bit easier by letting legs rest on floor. Doing the wind relieving pose (yeah, that’s what it’s really called) with head tucked toward knee did aggravate a bit of neck strain. But overall, a very fun sequence!

I got to bed late, but earlier than yesterday. I was still dealing with some sleep debt at that point...

-

Sept. 23

I woke up before noon.

Went to Seeking Safety. It went alright.

Got home, after a bit of chatting - I made dinner and did dishes.

After a few hours to digest, I did my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 prone fly extensions with EC. Just about manageable... really need to move my chair elsewhere for better floor space.

Second, Day 5 of the ICC. 3x1′ butt kicks with 30″ rests. That was a bit winding. Had a bit of trepidation due to being very tired and and I wasn’t dressed ideally for it. But mission accomplished.

Last, Day 5 of the 30MDoY. The sequence kicked my ass. Managed to maintain the holds for each round of 2-4, but I just had to let rear knee drop for the deep lunge. I did the plank work on my knees too. My quads were just too done with my energy levels today. But that’s okay.

Spent some time updating fit log, dealing with family stuff, and some more fic writing.

Got bed obscenely late again.

-

Sept. 24

I got up around the  same time as yesterday.

After a bit of chatting, I did today’s exercise early.

First, today’s DD. 40 butterfly dips with EC. Probably the only intensive thing on my fitness agenda today. But very doable!

Second, Day 6 of the ICC. 3x8 calf raises. One go, breezy work.

Last, Day 6 of the 30MDoY. 20′ meditation. Mind wandered a bit, but I did try to return to my belly-breathing and attend to anywhere I may’ve been feeling tension. Overall pretty relaxing, despite making one of my legs falling asleep pretty deeply (whoo boy the floodgate parasthesia after relieving the nerve compression can be pretty intense.)

Most of the day was spent chatting and afterwards, did some more writing.

Got to bed in the red zone, but a lot better than yesterday.

-

Sept. 25

I woke up around 9AM... somehow.

After some chatting, I did my only exercise for the day, today’s DD. 30″ push-up plank. Not amazing form, but acceptable.

After some chatting and YouTube, made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. Beef tenderloin & balsamic tomatoes, one of the gourmet meals. Lots to like here, me and bro enjoyed it the most (we both like Brussels sprouts, among everything else). Dad... just needs some dentures badly.

After some more chatting, did the dishes.

After watching some YouTube, spent a couple hours to do some writing. Spent rest of night chatting some more and the usual.

Got to bed roughly the same time as yesterday.

[surveysonfleek]

1348.

What’s your favourite type of bird? toucans.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? just under 300. i need to do another clean out.

What was on the last sandwich you ate? hmm... i don’t remember actually.

What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? everything. rnb, rap, pop, emo music, edm. just everything. i’ve changed now though.

Do you prefer gold or silver jewellery? white gold!

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? nope.

How far away is the closest store to your house and what is it? about a two minute drive. the supermarket and a couple other stores and restaurants.

What is your favourite Thai dish? pad see ew.

How many contacts do you have in your phone? i have no idea.

When was the last time you made out with somebody? it’s been awhile! sometime last week.

What month of the year was your mother born? june.

Do you have any friends that seem to know all the hot gossip? haha there’s a few.

Are there any candles in your bedroom, and what scent are they? yes. i have about 6-8 candles in my room. my favourite one is watermelon scented.

What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? superstore, fresh off the boat, you (already finished), god friended me, manifest etc.

When was the last time you went to a birthday party? yesterday.

How many apps do you have on your phone? too many. i need to do a clean out too.

What pet names do you use with your significant other? love.

Do you have to wear a name badge where you work? yes.

Do you have a dress code or have to wear a uniform where you work? uniform.

What brand is your toaster, if you have one? i have no idea actually. we’ve had it for so many years too.

Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? yes. if they had the intention of quitting i would.

Are there any movies you’ve seen so many times? yes.

What was the last thing you purchased with cash? train tickets.

Can you hear anything right now? yes, watching a star is born while doing this.

Is there anybody else in the room you’re currently in? nope.

What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? coles.

Would you rather travel to Japan or Scotland? japan.

Does your house have a porch/balcony? porch.

What’s your usual order when you go to a coffee shop? frappe or iced coffee.

Have you ever seen a theatre show? yes.

What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with? currently watching a star is born. alone. lol.

What is your mother’s first name? rather not say.

Do you like to dance? i would if i could! i do it anyway.

How would you describe your sense of humour? sarcastic.

What’s your favourite type of bread? brioche.

Do you receive catalogues and brochures in your mailbox? yes.

What colour is the sky right now? black.

Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? nope.

Have there ever been any bushfires/wildfires in your area? forever ago.

Have you ever taken a ride in an ambulance? yes. not coz any of us were sick though. we got stranded after tomorrowland and hustled the paramedics at a nearby hospital to drive us back to our hotel.

How would you label your sexual orientation? straight.

When was the last time you took a nap during the day? yesterday.

What did you have to eat for dinner last night? pizza.

Have you ever been a member in a band? nope.

Are you double-jointed? no.

What was the last thing you had to drink? water.

Do you currently have any bruises on your body? i don’t think so.

Who was the last message you received from and what did they say? ahmad. ‘ey guys’.

What colour are your eyes? brown.

Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? not at all. 

Do you consider your goals easily achievable or are they pretty grand? achievable if i was in the right mindset.

What’s your favourite kind of accent? i feel like i don’t have a favourite. i like the sound of the spanish accent though.

What time does the sun go down where you live at this time of the year? 7-7:30pm.

Do you prefer beer, wine or spirits? spirits.

When was the last time you ate Mexican food? i don’t remember omg.

Have you ever watched yourself on video? yes.

What time did you wake up today? about 9am.

What time will you go to sleep tonight? soonish.

Do you have separate emails for personal and business? no.

Are you the eldest, youngest or a middle child? eldest.

What’s your favourite vegetable? potatoes.

What colours are you wearing today? i had a black orange dress today with a denim jacket.

Do you have a subscription to any streaming services like Netflix? yes.

Would you rather eat Italian or Indian food? i’ve been in the mood for both.

Are you sitting, standing or lying down right now? lying down.

Have you ever missed a flight? haha yes once. never again.

Are you someone who always needs a coffee before you can function? nope. i hardly drink it even though i love the taste of it.

Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? yes. only one of them.

When was the last time you washed your hair? two nights ago.

What colour is your bedroom door? white, grey and turquoise.

Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? nope.

Do you know your significant other’s passwords? i know a couple of them but it’s not like i’ll remember.

What was the last thing you said aloud? bye.

Do you know anyone who writes huge essays when they message you? yes haha.

What’s your favourite type of salad? anything with raspberry vinaigrette. yum.

[drybonesawaken]

A group of people wanted to share a journal together. So this week, I've been journaling (almost) every day, and tomorrow I'm gonna be passing it onto the next person.

It was kinda fun. Bit scary to put my thoughts out there - but not that bad tbh. I figured since I am not gonna keep the journal I should transcribe my thoughts somewhere, so here they are.

Yes, the math bits were included in the journal when I wrote. Just something fun I did. You can try to figure out if it means anything if you want :)

-

Maple 3.27.21

I don't like journaling .-. mah handwriting sucks, and pen ink takes too long to dry. Apologies If any of this page is smudged as a result ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And no, Maple does not use anything but pen. When mistakes are made, and trust they will definitely be made, you see a lot of bleh <- that. I also missed like three words in the previous sentence, but it's messy to try to go back and put them in :( this is the consequence of writing when brain is running at negative mph... This may be two paragraphs of nothing, but honestly that's how my day goes, usually. Right now I'm listening to this audiobook to fill up my brain and stop it from thinking. It's quite interesting. I read the book back in middle school, and it's taking me on a trip down memory lane. I was listening to this earlier while playing tetris, too. I'm joining a tetris tournament tomorrow, so I've been grinding this week. Hopefully it goes well! It's funny how I spend so much time playing this game which means so little - but somehow, I find fulfillment in the emptiness that it brings me. Breaking personal records is such a meaningless ordeal, but somehow it's something I strive so hard to do. These days, PBs come once every couple of months. It's not worth it.

-

Maple 3.28.21

Today felt like I did everything and nothing all at the same time. I found out I don't like tetris tournaments. I hung out with some friends. I ate a big dinner. I made some choices I highkey regretted, yet couldn't stop myself from making in the moment. I spent some time sulking over said mistakes by cuddling with roommate. Very thankful for him - I definitely make him so uncomfortable LOL but he puts up with it because he knows touch is my love language. I was debating for awhile today over what I should eat for dinner (or breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it :') ) and I realized what I wanted to eat most was my own cooking. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling like cooking, so I had to settle for something else, but this was kind of a wake up call: when's the last time I cooked for myself? hmmm... It's also at the same time pretty cool because less than a year ago, I was still at a place where I strongly disliked my cooking and only ate it because I had to. Crazy how things can change in just a year - my culinary skills must have improved a lot over last summer... I really need to get my car tires fixed tomorrow. I have time tomorrow. I had better go. If I don't, my car is gonna break.

How does one stop beating themselves up for their mistakes? I don't struggle with forgiveness, but oh how I struggle with forgiving myself...

1 + 2 = 4 = 2

-

Maple 3.30.21

Yesterday, we had to record something for Easter that took forever. It was not fun. I kept messing up. And my perfectionist self kept blabbering about wanting to redo certain things. Everyone was tired - it went so long - some people had exams; I can only imagine how annoying it must have been to hear me complaining about doing things again, and yet - and I hate myself for this - I couldn't help but keep bringing it up. Of course, being unsatisfied with the way I played, I volunteered to patch things up in post production. *sigh*, what a mistake that ended up being. Afterwards, I was tired and wanted to go home. Yet, because someone asked, and I guess I was a bit hungry, I decided to go get food with Junshik and Bryan. My ulterior motive was to talk to Bryan about buying cars, so I guess that worked out. But yikes, I only got 7 hours of sleep last night. - Today sucked. I'm realizing more and more that part of depression is the complete dependence on sleep. When I get not enough sleep, I'm not just fatigued: my life is just hell. I straight up no-showed to a meeting and apologized for it 8 hours after the fact (my excuse was that I feel asleep. Wow, something so embarrassing most people would find an excuse for it has now become my go to excuse. Rip). Went to a meetup because I didn't want to cancel - again - so that was fun (sorry if you're reading this. I lied when I said that I was ok :/). Life group was great I wanted to die but I was leading worship so I couldn't just leave. And oh yeah I just spent the last 4 hours after life group mixing that audio clip because stupid ol' me volunteered to do it asap yesterday. Tomorrow will be fun. I have 7 meetings/meetups from 9am to 8pm. I wonder how many I'll cancel last minute, or straight up skip...? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I hate ______.

-

Maple 3.31.21

9am to 8pm today was rough. It's kinda crazy - when I wake up, I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day...but I really needed it to be at least an okay day. And I think I somehow willed that into existence :O I need to try this again sometime. Didn't cancel or skip a single thing today! (Praise God!!!) After my meetings all ended, I had to tutor for another 3 hours until 11:30, too. That was draining. I also pranked a friend today - told her I was dating right after midnight. Oh I love April Fools. She's the only one I can consistently troll year after year. I also spent a considerable amount of time after midnight trying to figure out how to script Audacity in Python. Useless, sure, but it could save us sound people a couple of minutes every Sunday if I figure it out. This is what my degree is for :') Sleep is going to feel so good tonight.

5 + 4 - 7 = 2 + 1 11 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 6 4 + 2 = 3 5 = 2 + 2 - 3 5 = 4 - 1 - 2

-

Maple 4.2.21

I think my handwriting is getting better with this almost-daily practice =) This whole week has been busy-ness from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Hung out with people yesterday for the first time this week, and it was pretty tiring. I can't say I regret it though; I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about certain people. Recently, I've been noticing that people can tell when I'm tired a lot more obviously - someone on worship team who I only interact with on Sundays literally called me out for it. I'm finding that it just sort of slips onto my face, in such a way that I don't notice and can't even recognize it: I'm shocked every time it happens. Maybe it's because I've lost the will to live, so the lack of will to hide it came alongside as well. I accidentally let it slip that I've been brain empty to worship team today, and now there are even more people worried for me, some of whom I barely know. I'm such a burden :( Brain empty is honestly such a mood though. I have too many problems and not enough will to confront them. Better to just avoid. Yeah yeah yeah this is not healthy I know. I'll save doing things the healthy way for tomorrow :')

1 + 1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 8 = 7 6 - 5 = 10 + 1 1 + 2 = 1 - 1

-

Maple 4.3.21

Today was supposed to be a more chill day, but it really wasn't... Forced myself to get out of bed for a meetup rather than cancel it. I think if I had cancelled it, everything else I had to do today would have followed suit shortly after.... It ended up being a 2-hour meetup, straight into 2.5 hours of tutoring. As much as they might have been pretty ok tbh, I can't say I enjoyed it. I was so dead afterwards. I wanted to cancel my dinner meetup so bad. But I had already gone shopping earlier today (during the first meetup) so that I could cook for him. And I knew if I cancelled it'd be another week before I'd have a chance. The food would have gone bad. So following 2 tilt-inducing matches of tetris which were supposed to be stress relieving (they were not), commenced 2 hours of cooking, followed by a 3.5 hr meetup. It was... haha... Did I enjoy it? Yup. Did I have a hella-thick mask on the whole time? Also yup. I'm so ready for a long hot shower and an early bedtime. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm not feeling very victorious...

1 + 2 = 4 - 1 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 = 1 1 + 2 + 3 - 4 = 4 - 1 - 2 + 1

[terselylove]

9 Bookshops in Edinburgh You Need to Visit

There were two reasons for my recent trip to Edinburgh: bookshops and Harry Potter. Edinburgh is known as one of the top literary cities in the UK and is teeming with independent bookshops.

This city is an absolute haven for book lovers with many literary giants living and writing here. In fact, Edinburgh was the first city to be named a UNESCO City of Literature in 2004.

Before my trip, I had all the best Edinburgh bookshops mapped out on Google maps and couldn’t wait to actually see these shops I’d dreamed about in person. The number one bookshop in Edinburgh on my list was Golden Hare Books. I’d seen this on @gisforgeorgina‘s Instagram page and knew it had won awards so I was desperate to see it myself!

Without further ado, here’s my guide to the best bookshops in Edinburgh:

Armchair Books

Armchair Books is hands down my favourite bookshop in Edinburgh. Indeed, it is one of my favourite secondhand bookshops of all time! I actually visited Armchair Books more than once during my trip to Edinburgh, the first time by myself on an early morning wander. The second as I shoved a friend through the door, insisting she needed to see it.

It’s a winding little shop with floor to ceiling bookshelves that are jam-packed with secondhand reads. As soon as you enter, you’re met with the smell of old books and brown pages. It’s a smell that instantly makes a bookworm feel at home.

There are multiple copies of some of the most popular releases from the past few decades so it’s a great place to pick up a second-hand edition of something you’ve had your eye on for a while. There are, of course, also lots of classics and every other genre you can think of.

They’re currently delivering to Edinburgh locals by bike and you can find out more about this on their website here. If you’re not based in Edinburgh, you can support them via AbeBooks here.

For even more second-hand books, you can pop into Peter Bell Books next door, which specialises in antiquarian Scottish interest books, as well as history and philosophy books.

Address: 72-74 West Port, EH1 2LE

Opening Hours: 10am – 6:30pm every day

Website: www.armchairbooks.co.uk

Topping & Company

I was familiar with Topping & Company bookshops from a previous visit to Bath and was excited to discover that their newest branch opened in Edinburgh in 2019.

RELATED: A Guide to Bookshops in Bath

This new branch is enormous and holds around 70,000 titles over two floors. In fact, the Topping family have boasted that this is the largest independent bookshop to open in the country for decades!

It’s a beautiful, well-lit space with tall windows letting plenty of light into the store. Of course, they’ve got their signature ladders resting against the bookshelves so you can reach those on the top shelves too. Aesthetic and practical, a book lover’s dream.

The absolute best thing about this bookshop, however, is the fact that they offer free tea for their customers to enjoy along with their new reads. There are small round tables dotted around the store and you can enjoy a pot of freshly brewed tea here in an adorable navy and polka-dot teapot.

Address: 2 Blenheim Place, EH7 5JH

Opening Hours: 9am – 8:30pm every day

Website: www.toppingbooks.co.uk

Golden Hare Books

I have a confession.

The first time I stepped into Golden Hare Books, I was met with a feeling of… disappointment.

It was the bookshop in Edinburgh I’d heard the most about and seen people rave about but upon stepping over the threshold it just seemed rather sparse inside. It wasn’t the bookshop I had imagined it would be in my head.

BUT!

(A big but)

I began looking around the shelves to see what type of books they had on offer. And I found myself moving more and more slowly around the shop. I was completely absorbed by each book I picked up and I wanted to take them all home with me!

Then I understood why this bookshop is so magical and I was very sorry to have misjudged it. Golden Hare Books is an incredibly well-curated bookshop, in fact, I’d even go so far as to say this is one of the most well-curated bookshops I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. It’s clear that a lot of thought has gone into which books they choose to stock on their shelves and they only have the very best recent releases.

I ended up leaving with two books I’d never heard of prior to visiting but was sure I’d enjoy: Territory of Light by Yūko Tsushima and In The City of Love’s Sleep by Lavinia Greenway.

I was further stopped on my way out of the shop by the little row of books outside the store – I really didn’t want to leave!

Golden Hare Books is located in Stockbridge, so it’s a little out of the way compared to the other bookshops on this list but no visit to Edinburgh is complete without a spin round this lovely bookshop.

This bookshop in Edinburgh won Independent Bookshop of the Year in 2019, beating all other bookshops in the UK and Ireland, and it’s a very well deserved title.

Address: 68  St Stephen Street, EH3 5AQ

Opening Hours: 10am – 6pm every day

Website: goldenharebooks.com

Blackwell’s Bookshop

Blackwell’s has long been a favourite of mine, with its flagship bookshop in Oxford proudly boasting the largest bookselling room in the world. The Edinburgh bookshop holds a title of its own as Edinburgh’s oldest independent bookshop.

RELATED: A Guide to Bookshops in Oxford

Blackwell’s is a great place to look for new releases as soon as they come out as well as book-related merchandise and stationery. Of course, there’s a large Harry Potter section in this Edinburgh bookshop with many different editions and other magical merchandise for Harry Potter fans in Edinburgh.

As well as a huge selection of new books, they’ve got dedicated shelves for different collections of old classics. From Penguin Clothbounds to Everyman’s Library to Macmillan Collector’s Library, they’ve got all the most beautiful editions.

And did you know that Blackwell’s offer free UK delivery? It’s a great place to order from if you’re shopping online!

Address: 53-62 South Bridge, EH1 1YS

Opening Hours: 9am – 8pm every day, 12pm – 6pm Sunday

Website: blackwells.co.uk/bookshop (FREE UK delivery!)

Transreal

Transreal is a bookshop I stumbled upon completely by accident when seeking out Harry Potter in Edinburgh. It’s located on the same road that you’ll find Greyfriars Kirkyard, aka the Harry Potter graveyard. And it’s an appropriate place for such a bookshop too as Transreal specialises in sci-fi and fantasy fiction.

RELATED: Harry Potter Graveyard in Edinburgh

I’m a huge fan of fantasy literature so I was incredibly excited to discover this hidden gem in Edinburgh. As well as the classics you’d expect like the works by George R R Martin, J R R Tolkien and Brandon Sanderson, they also stock lots of sci-fi and fantasy fiction that you won’t find on the shelves of your local Waterstones.

There are many authors here published by book publishers that don’t operate in the UK and it was a pleasure to explore these unfamiliar titles. In fact, it’s been said that Transreal has the biggest range of imported science fiction and fantasy titles in Scotland!

Address: 46 Candlemaker Row, EH1 2QE

Opening Hours: 11am – 6pm (Tuesday – Saturday)

Website: transreal.wordpress.com

McNaughton’s

McNaughton’s is an absolutely beautiful, quaint bookshop in Edinburgh that is filled with antiquarian and second-hand books. In fact, it is the oldest second-hand and antiquarian bookshop in Scotland! Its interiors are thoroughly charming with neatly stacked books from floor to ceiling and even around the door frames.

They stock a wide variety of genres from literature to childrens, religion or philosophy. The most popular of these is literature and they have a huge range of old classics and poetry books on offer. This is the perfect place to shop for old books as gifts or to form part of your home library collection.

As soon as you walk in, you smell the scent of old books so book lovers may want to stay awhile. Fortunately, there’s a lovely window seat in which you can sit as you peruse some titles you may want to add to your collection.

McNaughton’s Bookshop & Gallery is right around the corner from the new Toppings & Company and is attached to Typewronger Books (below) so a trip to all three shops should be combined. The shop is currently closed but they are open to orders and offer free UK postage.

Address: 3a, 4a Haddington Place, EH7 4AE

Opening Hours: 11am – 5pm (Tuesday – Saturday)

Website: mcnaughtans.co.uk

Typewronger Books

Attached to McNaughton’s Bookshop & Gallery is Typewronger Books, a bookshop with a very different vibe. They sell both book and typewriters, which make for the perfect combination. Isn’t it every writer’s dream to have a vintage typewriter?

It’s a small shop but it has such character and I loved the atmosphere. Music played softly on vinyl and the owner, Tom, is laughing with customers as he puts their order through. They chitchat about the Extinction Rebellion and angry London commuters and I, often an angry London commuter, silently laugh with them as I browse. There’s often tea (and sometimes wine!) on offer to browsers and it’s open until 9pm so people have time to pop by after work.

The books are all carefully selected by the owner so there’s a small but well-curated assortment of books in all genres. It’s not the kind of place you come to pick up a specific edition but rather to browse, to run your fingers along the shelves, to have a bookish chat and pick up something unexpected.

Typewronger is the only typewriter shop in Edinburgh so it’s a must-visit if you’re looking to invest in one. There’s even a Tweetwronger typewriter machine that is connected to Twitter. All you have to do it tweet @tweetwronger and use the hashtag #typethis – how cool is that?

If you live in Edinburgh there’s free postage/delivery to residents and reduced delivery costs to the rest of the UK.

Address: 4a Haddington Place, EH7 4AE

Opening Hours: 11am – 9pm every day

Website: www.typewronger.com

Edinburgh Books

If you love second-hand books then Edinburgh Books is a must-visit. It’s the largest secondhand bookshop in Edinburgh and has been in operation for decades.

The shelves here are positively stuffed to the brim with books stacked both vertically and horizontally to fill every space. There’s even a large basement with even more rooms full of books. You could get lost amongst these shelves for hours at a time as they stock just about every genre under the sun. The copies they stock are sometimes quite well-used (well-loved!) but I love finding old copies and wondering what their history is.

Edinburgh Books’ list of accolades are a testament to how well-loved this bookshop as it was crowned Scottish Independent Bookshop of the year in 2018 at the British Bookseller Awards. It was also shortlisted for Children’s Bookshop in 2018 and UK Independent Bookshop in 2018.

It’s located along the same road as Armchair Books as you walk out of the centre of the city so make sure to add both to your agenda.

Oh and don’t be alarmed by Clarence, the large water buffalo head who watches you as you shop. There are plenty of fun rumours about him so be sure to ask the owners more.

Address: 145-147, West Port, Edinburgh EH3 9DP

Opening Hours: 10am – 6pm every day (closed Sundays)

Website: edinburghbooks.net

John Kay’s

Formerly The Old Town Bookshop, John Kay’s sit on the edge of Edinburgh’s most colourful and most iconic street, Victoria Street. This street has often been cited as the inspiration for Diagon Alley and you can see why.

With cobbled paving beneath your feet, you could believe you were shopping for wizard’s wares as you you look through the windows of these tall, colourful and mostly independent stores. In fact, some believe that the Old Town Bookshop was the original inspiration for Flourish and Blotts with its floor to ceiling bookshelves.

Today, John Kay’s stocks a curated assortment of items for book lovers & antique aficionados alike. There’s a small selection of rare books as well as some beautiful editions of well-loved classics. With miniature planes hanging from the ceiling and globes hanging from the bookshelves, the shop looks a little like an old explorer’s private collection. It’s a great shop to pick up a quirky gift, bookish or otherwise!

Address: 8 Victoria Street, EH1 2HG

Opening Hours: 10am – 6/7pm every day

That concludes my guide to bookshops in Edinburgh! There are many, many more that I, unfortunately, wasn’t able to explore so here are some further suggestions:

Other Edinburgh bookshops

The Portobello Bookshop

Tills Bookshop

Lighthouse Books

The Edinburgh Bookshop

The Bookworm Bookstore

Main Point Books

Amnesty International Books

Cornerstone Bookshop

[onemansbaddatinglife]

June 2020 - The Onlyfans girl

*BECAUSE THERE’S AN ACTIVE POLICE REPORT, I’M NOT GOING TO SHARE HER NAME* To start this off, I want to make it clear. I have nothing against onlyfans or adult content creators. I believe everyone should be able to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t impede on the freedom of others. This chick, it started out rough. 3 days in and she blocked me. I felt really bad because I wanted a date, and she just wanted to sell content to get money to feed her kids. So I went and subbed to her onlyfans. Didn’t look at it. A few days later I have an email, a message from her, we talk for a bit and she reveals she was dating a guy and deleted her content for him. But he used her for sex and ditched her.  I felt bad, so I sent her a line from a song that I’ve been trying to live by; “Give your heart, but keep your head.”  This makes us click. She has a love for music lyrics too. We talk for awhile and start getting close. She opens up about her past and her current situation. Her birthday was on June 26th and her and her best female friend were gonna go to Colorado. Her ex husband refuses to pay the daycare bill and says she’ll need to cancel her trip. She’s heart broken. I feel bad so I send her the money to pay for their daycare. Whatever. She text him and says “Its okay, my man just paid for it.” A couple days after she gets home, at 1:30 in the morning on a Monday night, she asks me to come over. She lives an hour away, but I run over. We sit in my car and talk for a bit. She gives me a baggy of edibles. We end up making out a little, then I go home. I don’t think I got home until 4am, and I start work at 9am. A few days past and we continue to talk. Now she’s saying she’s falling for me’ and all that. We plan a get-away night for her birthday. Dinner and a night at a hotel with movies and tv. I figured at this point, I’m okay with just snuggling and watching movies. If it turns to more, great. But we’ll be high on edibles and just enjoying each other. That Friday, a 5pm (an hour before I get off work) she text me that her period started and her friend scammed her for like $200 by not paying a bill. I try to help her calm down and direct her on how to talk to the cable company. She’s non-compliant. Hysterically breaking down and that was that. She asks to cancel the date. I was hurt, but understood.I cancel the hotel and offer to still take her to dinner. She says no.  We sort of have a bit of a large argument. I was always raised that relationships need communication to work. I tell her that I wanna talk about things and explain stuff that’s been bothering me. we talk about it for an hour, and all seems well. I go off to my cousins to chill, but she ends up texting me and bringing it back up, causing a huge fight between us. I’m annoyed, but she’s cute, I’ll let it slide. The next day (Saturday) she suddenly says she needs to see me TONIGHT. I’m excited. I leave on time and get a call halfway there. She’s not feeling well, she just wants to eat and go home. Again, she lives an hour away. So 2 hour round trip excluding time spent there. Annoyed but excited to see her, I say okay. We meet up, it goes great. We’re flirting, etc. She’s texting a bit much but I let it slide because before I worked IT, I was addicted to my computer and couldn’t live without it. I get what it feels like to need social media. Anyways, we eat, I take her home, we kiss twice, that’s the end of it. I drive home, and I think I went to be early. (Sunday) I wake up and text her. She’s acting a bit weird. I bring it up and she tells me “Its too soon to be having this many problems.” Which I agree with. At this point, I’m over it. I just say “Mk” and leave her be. Eventually she text back and it goes into a huge fight. She’s one of the people that loves to tell you what your problem is, but her problems are actually your problems you’re projecting onto her. Lol. Okay, I’m not doing that. She gets mad and starts screenshotting private chats we’ve had. I panic and start doing the same. I keep asking what she’s screenshotting, and she’s leaving me on read. Eventually she shows me and its the exact things I was worried about. In retaliation, I screenshot google maps of her address and send it to her. (Remember, I’ve been seeing her and picking her up for dates.) She freaks out. She starts claiming I’m threatening her and her kids. Which is not true. I tell her the only reason I did that was because she was threatening to leak my stuff, so I wasn’t going to sit around and be defenseless. I told her now we both have ammo, and we can call a cease fire. Lets forget we ever talked and move on with our lives.  I told her I don’t want to break her heart or want this to end uglier than it needs to. I just wanna forget all of this. Chat goes silent.  I go and work on my car for a few hours, buy some new headlights, whatever. Just moving on and doing my thing to distract myself. I get home, go to bed, and suddenly I’m woken up by text at 2am. She’s still freaking out at me. I tell her “Bro just leave me alone. We’re done.” She keeps saying she’s scared. I get annoyed and block her. I finally get back to sleep at 6am, and wake up at 8:55ish. I go to my morning work meeting. After the meeting I get a friend request on facebook. Oh boy, its her baby daddy. I don’t know this dude so I decline it, but I send him a message to see whats up. Mind you, she’s 30, I think he’s 30. They’re both felons with drug abuse charges and shit. Whatever. The baby daddy starts claiming I “Threatened her with a gun picture” and that “he’s on his way to me”. I tell him “Come ‘n get it.” He sends 2 hearts, and then silence. Because of the fact she’s telling people I threatened her with a firearm, which I take very seriously, I contacted the police. They came by and took a police report, but said unless he shows up they can’t do anything. I let them know that I’m not looking to have anyone arrested or anything ridiculous. I’m just wanting there to be a note with a third party (such as the police department) so that if something were to happen, they can look back on that. I’ve blocked them both on facebook and told my friends the story. They always joked that I should start a blog regarding my ridiculous dating antics as they feel they’re “like a movie.” So that’s what I’m doing. **UPDATE** Called again at 3:30am (6/30/2020)  from a *67 number.

[simmyshuno]

I’ll be quite honest. I’m terrible at being in communities.

This is a huge TLDR/personal post and seriously, you can ignore. That’s not some manipulation tactic. It’s here for people who want to know genuinely why I keep coming/going the last two years and where my inconsistency is coming from, as well as why I run headfirst into the community and then just disappear without warning.

Sims posts will follow. This is just something I felt I needed to talk about. In short: yes I’m fine. Yes I’m handling things well. No I don’t need crisis care. I’m actually doing well considering. Sims has always been my go-to comfort. I didn’t know about the community until I met @invadersim many moons ago on LiveJournal, and Tumblr was in it’s infancy. As well as the things mentioned under the cut, I also feel like I’ve withdrawn from social media a lot since I turned 30 (I’m 31 now). I just stopped needing to belong and sort of settled in where I was at. Like I said, Sims have been my comfort. Sometimes I sit on Facetime with another IRL friend who also Sims and we just chat like one would on Skype only with our games running and Facetime going on our iPads. It’s fun. She discovered my game is utter chaos incarnate while she micromanages everything. She likes hearing me talk about my builds. I like hearing about the random TV show characters in her game that she tosses in (like the shenanigans her Dean Winchester Sim gets up to). Sims, to me, is ��home’. The place you return to on holidays when you’ve been away to school or the warm cup of tea waiting for you during a cold, snowy day. Sims is my home away from home - when other games have frustrated me, or when my mental health is doing poorly and I either cannot focus on anything or I’m too depressed or anxious to do much at all. Which, leads into the TLDR portion.

So my last time posting was August I believe. I had just installed TS4 for the first time and was leery. I’ll say this now: I fucking love TS4 and probably won’t go back to fix my TS3 game ever to play it. It became my new go-to comfort and I’m loving that I am still learning things about TS4 that I didn’t already know. With TS3, I knew so much about the game that it started to become boring. I was always adding mods and CC and then just doing the same old boring shit in my games.

Right now I don’t have “Cats and Dogs” but I have everything else, so it’s forcing me to play the rest of the game without the addition of pets. It’s nice. I also don’t use much CC and I have only one core mod in my game (I don’t even use MC right now). It’s just nice playing a completely vanilla game. I can think of a dozen things I want to recolor (and thanks to @blindingechoes teaching me now, I likely will sometime early 2018) but otherwise I’m enjoying things again: enjoying building. Enjoying the gameplay. Enjoying how smoothly things run. But that’s not really why I’m posting. I’ve had my inbox filled with worried messages and I want to address things for those who don’t have me on Facebook already.

Yes I’ve been dealing with a malignant narcissist and yes this person was once a close friend, and yes I knew they truly had diagnosed sociopath behaviors but I also knew them for so long that I had the totally naive thought of it could never be me. The thing with abuse is, the second you think that? It’s likely already too late. I should’ve seen things coming and I didn’t until it was too much at once and I decided to cut this person out (their version of the story is that they cut me out first which is not true, and I have ‘receipts’ to prove this).

This person did truly heinous things to me between the end of January 2017 until October 2017, when things finally stopped. I won’t get into major detail (though this post is marked so anyone browsing in safe mode won’t get to see it, I feel a lot of people following me are slightly younger and I don’t feel anyone really needs to know details) but some of the things done to me over nine months were: having my personal info (name, address, phone number, mother’s name - who is sick (she’s had many strokes and lives with me so I can take care of her) - as well as her personal number posted (ie, doxxing) online to a website which is notorious for some crimes in the past (members who met up and literally plotted to kill their families and succeeded). It’s home to a lot of skeevy, disgusting people and this person literally outed my personal information to thousands of people who are potentially dangerous.

From that moment on I spent three months having child pornography, gore porn/snuff, gory images of dead animals and the type of stuff you’d find on Rotten or Ogrish on my damn phone - being texted daily - by throwaway numbers. I reported this to my phone company and blocked all the numbers I could but it didn’t stop. I did everything I could but in the end I was the one who was losing their phone service as a result of “breaching telecommunications laws” and had to pay a fine of 400-something dollars (I forget the exact amount, I do have copies of the legal docs though), as well as paying to have my phone turned back on.

I acquired paperwork for a restraining order but couldn’t serve it until recently. I have been working with a defamation and libel lawyer pro bono to get this person to leave me alone. They’ve made threats to “skin my cat”, to “throw acid on me in the street” as well as to have one of their junkie friends who is HIV positive “throw their used needles at them like darts”. I have copies of the messages where these discussions and plans were made.

Cops most definitely were notified. It has been a huge drawn out process and they’re basically claiming they’re “mentally ill and won’t go to jail” even though they’ve been harassing and abusing me for nine months straight. There is so much more than what I posted above but needless to say, when this all became really freaking bad I just left the internet. I stopped posting on a lot of places and that was when I came back to the Simblr community then promptly left again.

Around this time I started prepping for Preptober which is the month of October where those of us who do Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) start prepping for November and our novel. On October 29th, right before the Kick Off party our Nanowrimo region holds, our ML (Municipal Liaison) -and close friend of mine- was found at his home unresponsive by another writer friend and after being taken to hospital by them, was found to have three brain tumors. The primary cancer ended up being in his kidneys (three more tumors) and the secondary cancer was the tumors in his brain. He went for surgery immediately and his current treatment is radiation as palliative care. I don’t think I need to explain more where this is going.

November was busy as I had to step up as ML and run a region of 200 writers where we had write-in’s (where you go to write with a group of Wrimos, or what we call Nanowrimo participants) leaving me running these groups 6 days a week (I took one day off) from 6-9pm and sometimes two in a day (9am-12pm, then 6pm-9pm). I have severe agoraphobia and social anxiety so you can imagine how difficult this was. While mentally and physically exhausting (it also screwed with my sleep schedule which is already a mess from a sleep disorder) it was one of the best November’s I had in awhile because I had always wanted to be ML but it was legit so fucking exhausting I had no time for anything else.

No gaming. No Sims. No social media. Nothing. Things have sort of evened out now but since it’s December I’m back to feeling irrevocably depressed (holidays always do that as I’m 1) poor, literally at the poverty line despite being on disability so I can’t afford anything for myself or others at Christmas and this also means no celebrations with dinner or decorations because all of my money is spoken for. As well I have no where to go/no family to be with.

Secondly, I’m finally catching up on the screwed up sleep schedule of November. As a result I’m sleeping 20 hours a day sometimes. I’m awake maybe 10-12 hours and back to sleep again. It’s terrible. I also had walking pneumonia all of November and I’m still sick from that. It’s a huge clusterfuck and things were just terrible. If it wasn’t for coping skills from CBT and DBT I seriously don’t know how I would’ve managed the last year.

ON THE PLUS THOUGH - even though this month is hell and I’ve no where to go, I’m playing the Sims again and plan to post screenshots and random things and re-engage with the community as much as possible. If you read it this far, you’re awesome and thank you.

In terms of uploads and such, I won’t have anything for awhile. I’m using a pirated copy of the game as I have no way to buy it online from Origin (I’ve no money to be spending on gifts and I don’t expect it as a gift or anything so it’s not likely something I’ll be owning legitimately for quite some time). The game version I have doesn’t get updated often and I don’t want to risk breaking my game and having to do a huge re-install just to add “Cats and Dogs” as well as game client updates so I can’t be sure anything I create or recolor will work with your guys’ games. 

Thanks for sticking around and sorry to keep leaving but hopefully this gives some idea of why I’ve just not been around and neglected things.

[kennadavenportgayle]

My horrible roommate story time

Alright so I told y’all I’d write a long ass post about what happened last night so here it is. 

TW: Eating disorders/puking 

Putting that there because she did something awful last night so just in case!

So I came back yesterday from my sorority house and my friend was with me to get something. It was like 9pm okay. So we walk to my hall and my roommate is trying to unlock the door and I’m like oh hey and we go into the room then she asks my friend and I “Do I look drunk to you guys?” and we’re like no and she’s like “okay cuz I’m pretty drunk” 

My friend leaves and I get my stuff to take a shower and I’m in the shower and I hear someone else come into the bathroom and go into a stall and then I hear someone throwing up and I’m like oh man that’s probably my roommate that really sucks. And I text my friends to say “hey we can’t drink in my room because my roommate got sick” and they’re like aw man hopefully she gets better.

I get out of the shower and I go to do my makeup and she comes back and she’s like “I just MADE myself throw up so I could go drink more” and I was like “uh what?” so she was trying to get rid of the alcohol in her system so she could go drink more. 

I’m just like wtf is wrong with her and I just ignore her and don’t say anything. She begins eating and drinking a ton of water and I’m like okay??? Tf???? Then like 20 minutes later she goes back into the bathroom so like that’s great. 

She comes back and eats some more and drinks some more water. I finish doing my makeup and I go to brush my teeth and she comes in and she’s like “Hey I’m going to make myself throw up” and I’m just disgusted at this point and she starts talking to me about it and I just can’t so I leave and go back into the room. 

What really bugs me about this is my best friend is bulimic and I’ve seen her struggle since we were like 10 with this. It’s very sad and depressing to see so the fact she thought it was essentially a good idea or a funny idea to do really makes me sick to my stomach. If you really want to sober up you have to drink a lot of water and eat a lot of carbs. Please do not make yourself throw up. It really isn’t safe and it’s not a good idea. 

Moving on.

She leaves, and I text my friends and we all drink in my room. We all decide I don’t have to be the mom for the night (this was a bad idea cuz one of my friends began to whine about it later on so rip guess I’ll be the mom from now on). So we’re just having a good time and we stay out until like 1:30am and I have a class at 11am on Fridays and I wake up at 9am so that way I can get coffee and breakfast before and i have stayed up far later than 1:30am and I’ve made it to this class. 

So I fall asleep around 2, maybe 2:30 cus I was watching Netflix. At 5:30am I hear my roommate trying to get into the room and I usually hear this and she wakes me up and five minutes later I go back to sleep so I’m like whatever. Well then I hear her talking to someone and I’m like okay that’s weird. And she gets in and they’re talking pretty loudly for 5:30am and I just try to act like I’m really asleep and hopefully they’ll realize I’m sleeping and just shut up. 

Well then they decide to turn the light on. But they don’t turn it on, they flicker it on and off several times, so now I’m like super awake and super pissed. I throw the blanket over my face and groan really loudly and they end up turning the light off and turning on her lamp on her desk which is still pretty bright but whatever. 

Then I hear them talking about something and she’s telling him to call someone and gives him a phone number and she calls her dad at 5:30 in the morning. Well she had a flight this morning to go home idk why but it was supposed to leave at 5:45am. So her dad starts screaming at her and she starts arguing back and then her mom starts yelling at her. 

So this bitch missed her flight because she was drinking all night. It wasn’t like this flight was a surprise either, she had been talking to her parents about it for weeks so she knew about this flight. 

So she hangs up and I guess she’s going back next weekend or something. She starts talking to her boyfriend and then I realize they’re hooking up AGAIN this is the second time she has hooked up with someone in our room WHILE I WAS THERE. So that’s great. 

It’s probably like 6am and I’m snapchatting my friends at this point about all the shit they’re saying to each other and my roommate doesn’t know cuz she can’t see my phone. Anyway, I hear them saying something and then I hear the door open and close and I’m like fuck yeah he left I can hopefully go to sleep soon. 

Then I hear “her” phone and “she’s” watching videos (on full blast) and I was about to turn around and yell at “her” but then “she” got a phone call and I realize it isn’t my roommate that’s in my room, it’s her boyfriend. She’s the one that left. He’s talking in a really loud voice and I’m like wtf? He hangs up and he realizes I’ve turned around and he’s like “oh hey I’m john nice to meet you” and I don’t even say hi I just say “where did she go?” and he says “to take a shower” 

Like bitch what???????? So then I say “I have an early class tomorrow. You guys woke me up” and he says “oh sorry” LIKE BITCH WHAT THE FUCK I’m pissed and I just turn back around and act like I’m going back to sleep. And she takes hella long showers so I know it’s gonna be awhile before he leaves. 

So at 6:30am he finally leaves and she does too but she leaves the lights on. I waited until 7am to get up and turn the lights off. Then 30 minutes after I did that she comes back. So she kept me up for 2 hours. And in Arizona, the sun comes up pretty fast and goes down pretty fast so the sun is already up and if yall didn’t know my roommate took her blinds off the wall so the sun is just shining on my face so there’s like no way I can go back to sleep. 

I end up going back to sleep and I woke up at 10:50am and my class is 15 minutes away. So I can’t shower, get dressed, or get coffee and make it on time. So then I decided fuck it and I’m not going to any of my classes today cuz I was also supposed to wake up early and pack for my new member retreat with my sorority tonight and I didn’t wake up to do it and I don’t have time in between classes to do so cuz I also have an event later tonight before I go so i don’t have time. So fuck it, I’m not going to class and it’s all because she kept me awake for two fucking hours. 

I also just looked over at her already broken, brand new iPhone 7 plus, and it’s even more fucked up then it was before. She’s the more irresponsible person. Oh and yes, she has not taken the trash out in a few weeks and there’s just piles of garbage everywhere. 

75 more days then I get to move out.

Only 75 more days.

[jae-bummer]

My Idol: Part Twenty One

My Idol From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My Idol is a South Korean competitive reality dating game show. It currently airs on Wednesday nights on Jae-bummer’s blog. First broadcast in 2016, the show offers the opportunity for a lucky fan to go on seven blind dates with seven idols. The idol plans the date with the show throwing in specific missions to complete during the day. At the end of the initial dates, the show opens up an audience vote to decide what three idols will move on to the second date.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22

Your fingers were shaking by the time you managed to get the key into the lock and give it a proper turn. You threw the entirety of your body weight against the door just to stumble over something in the darkness.

A loud and impassioned meow erupted from the tiny mouth of Bingu as you flipped on a light and saw him striding away from your welcome mat. He yawned, as if just waking up. You grumbled to yourself as you looked down, noticing what you had tripped over and what he had been sleeping on previously.

A large white box sat near your shoes, completely different from any piece of mail you had ever received. It was wrapped carefully in an impressive, purple bow with an envelope poking beneath its ribbons. You grumbled to yourself as you leaned over and tucked it under your arm, ignoring the shifting of whatever artifacts hid within.

“This is more mail in one day than I’ve ever gotten in my entire life,” you hissed, smacking the box on the counter. You knew it had to be something fairly important if your landlord had taken the time to drop it off inside of your apartment. You looked back down to the envelope in your hands and sighed. You closed your eyes before unfolding it again and looking at the scrawled message.

“Tomorrow. 9am. Yeouido Park.

Please.

Always yours, T.”

Your breathing stalled as you analyzed the letter head. It was personalized, from the desk of Choi Seunghyun. The paper was thick between your fingers. Heavy, but not from the material. The subject matter was what made it heavy.  

You slumped against your counter and dropped your head into your hands. You thought after your brief discussion in the supply closet at the studio was enough to keep Top away forever, but you were incorrect. You tossed the note away from your body and let it skid across the countertop. You did not want to meet with Top. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. You had attempted to numb yourself to the heartbreak you had caused yourselves, but how could you quietly ignore your feelings if he kept reopening them? The simple act of eying the envelope was enough to leave you with the feeling of having a wide, freshly opened gash across your chest.

You opened your eyes and slowly turned your attention to the white box. In your turmoil, you had momentarily forgotten about its existence, and almost preferred to keep it that way. Surely, there was nothing that would put your mind at ease within its contents. You bit your lip, contemplating the idea of not opening it, but knew the curiosity would get the better of you.

You reached over, letting the note sticking off the box slide through your fingers. You let out a yelp as it cut your skin, immediately sticking it in your mouth to silence your own whimpers and the screaming of the irritation on your fingertip. You closed your eyes and sighed around your digit, trying to keep the tears of frustration from falling. You opened them again, blinking a few times before looking down at the thin paper you had just dropped.

It had landed on it’s fold, open for you to see from your standing position.

“Y/N,

Brunch at 10. Put this on and meet me at Bim Bom.

Can’t wait to see you, beautiful.

-Jay”

You let out a scream you weren’t aware you had been holding. You screamed until your eyes stung, your throat ached, and your lungs begged for air. You had completely lost it. 

Most people would be reveling in the idea that as one man pined for you, another was buying you a brunch date outfit. You were sick of being put in the position of never knowing who you should have feelings for, and if you did, would they be annexed from your life just as Top had?

You didn’t even bother opening the box, but shot it a wary glance. Not tonight. 

You pushed your hair back, only to let it fall over the left half of your face. You readjusted the small belt on the dress you were wearing and let your hands sit in your lap. You were a nervous wreck and the only solace you could find was in fidgeting. 

You had laid in bed the night before, contemplating what you would do the following day. Top had wanted you to meet him, but that would cause you to be late to your date with Jay. Your thoughts struggled back and forth with each other, incapable of making a decision. Didn’t you owe it to Seunghyun to at least give him a moment of your time? But didn’t you also owe it to Jay to be on time for your date (as you had picked him to move on over the man you were considering meeting.) 

You looked down to the gorgeous black heels Jay had picked for you. They were just your style. You crossed your legs at the knee, becoming comfortable on the bench as you waited. Surely, he would be here any moment. 

And surely you had made the correct decision. 

You looked up as a gravelly voice reached your ears, accompanied by the appearance of cigarette smoke. 

“You came,” Top hummed, plopping down beside you with a deep sigh. 

“Of course I came,” you whispered, not able to make direct eye contact with him. 

“You look beautiful,” he nodded. 

“It’s the dress,” you chuckled nervously, fingering the hemline. You were in love with what Jay had picked out for you. He knew just how to accentuate your body.

“It’s you,” Top smiled, tilting his head so you’d have to look at him. Your eyes met for a moment, still the same as the last time they had gazed upon yours. Kind and soft, but deep below, giving way to hurt. His hair was shorter, dyed a natural black to cover up his usual fantastical color choices. You assumed the change was for the military, and the thought made your heart sink. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled, trying to keep a sad smile from your face. 

“You’re probably wondering why I’ve asked you here today?” He questioned. 

“I try not to wonder anymore,” you admitted truthfully. 

“Such earnest words from such pretty lips,” he sighed. “But...I don’t intend on taking much of your time. I haven’t earned that right.” 

You shivered at Top’s words, trying not to let them break through the thin armor you had placed over your sensitivities when you had left your apartment that morning. 

“I have a question. It’s a question that’s been keeping me up at night. A question that I haven’t been able to find an answer to. I’ve been going through pack after pack of cigarettes, trying to find inspiration in anything to help my thought processes, but I can’t get past this one question...

...why?”

You sucked in your breath and tried not to wince. His question hit you like a cold dagger through your rib cage. 

“Why what?” 

You knew very well what he was referring to, but if he elaborated, perhaps that would give you more time to formulate an answer. 

You hadn’t tried to rationalize why you had made the decision you had, but told yourself to be at peace with it. There was no going back and you had to come to terms that Top would no longer go on any further dates. Jay was who your heart had landed on, hadn’t it? 

“Why...” Top trailed. “Did you pick him over me?”

“Jay did something unique,” you whispered after awhile. “He managed to make me like him....even after he knew I despised him. To know you’re the underdog, but struggle through as if you’re the prize winner is an admirable quality. Admittedly there was a time when I questioned his intentions, and sometimes when I’m alone and left with my own thoughts, I can fall into that pattern again...but at my core, I know Jay is here for me. He always has been. Our connection is stronger than I’d like to admit, and I won’t lie to you. He’s gone out of his way to break rules and not play fair, but they’ve always been in my best interest.”

Top nodded slowly, taking a long drag of his cigarette. “So maybe if I had broken the rules, I could have been taking you out today?”

“You can’t make it that simple,” you laughed bitterly. “It’s no one thing that made my mouth speak Jay’s name. It wasn’t the logical decision, but it’s what I felt at the time...and I stand by that. And you have to trust me. If you don’t...well then, I guess you don’t have to wonder why after all.”

Top clicked his tongue as he looked at you and tossed his cigarette to the ground. He stood, brushing out his slacks before jutting his chin in your direction. 

“Thank you for your time.”

You skidded to a halt in front of the restaurant and leaned over trying to catch your breath. You felt a single bead of sweat travel down your back as you looked up and tried to give your best smile. 

“Hi.”

Jay beamed at you, his face as flush as yours. Maybe it was nerves or surprise at your sudden appearance, but he definitely looked pleased. 

“You’re late. What the hell? You’re never late,” Armpit grumbled, pulling his video camera from his shoulder. 

“Hey, fall back homeboy. She’s here now, and that’s what matters,” Jay nodded, grabbing your hand. He smiled as he looked you up and down. “Damn baby girl, those clothes looked good when I picked them, but you certainly make them look even better.”

“Aigoo,” you laughed. “I think you’ve got that the wrong way around. The clothes make the woman.”

“You could wear a trash bag and I’d still say you were serving looks,” he chuckled. He tugged you close and wrapped his arms around you. “I still can’t believe you picked me...I...wait, why do you smell like smoke?”

Your breath halted for a moment as you stepped back, letting Jay’s hands slide across your skin. “Old man I was walking by on the way here. Isn’t it awful how nicotine sticks to you?”

“It smells like you got dressed in a cigarette factory,” he grumbled, furrowing his brows. “You need to tell me something? Look Y/N, resorting to an unhealthy habit when you’re stressed-”

“Aish, give it a rest Park,” you sighed, rolling your eyes. “Seriously, it was just a guy I ran into. Five minutes and I smell like a walking ashtray.”

“But like...a hella cute walking ashtray,” Jay winked, tugging you close again. “I can get over it though.” 

“You have no other option,” you chuckled, trying to push your lies from your mind. There was no way you could tell Jay the truth. It would be entirely too hurtful and you couldn’t dream of deceiving his trust like that. “So...brunch? I didn’t take you for the brunch type?”

“Girl,” he clucked, giving you a bit of a stank face. “I live for brunch. You think I’ve ever woken up early enough to eat actual breakfast?”

“I assumed staying “on your grind” meant early hours sometimes,” you smiled. 

“Sure, if by early hours you mean I’ve worked straight through the night until six am,” he laughed. “That’s what staying on my grind means baby girl. Working whatever you need to without time constraints, but just getting shit done.”

“Time isn’t real anyway,” you grinned, shooting him a wink. 

“But the grumbling in my stomach is, let’s get a table,” Jay nodded, placing his hand on your lower back as he navigated you toward the hostess podium. The hostess instantly recognized Jay’s face, making you wonder if she was either a fan or if Jay really came here that often. She held up a slender finger as she hurried away, promising she had a prime table ready for you. 

Jay took the opportunity to pull you close again and nuzzle into your neck. He let his lips hover over your ear. 

“I’m sure I ain’t gotta tell you this...but I really missed you,” he cooed. 

“Jay, it’s been like a week,” you chuckled, giving him a light shove. 

He pouted and tilted his head before biting his lip and interlacing his fingers into yours. “You’re right. That’s a hella long time, huh?” 

You looked down at your hands wrapped around each others and couldn’t help but smile. 

“You’re right. Entirely too long.”

To Be Continued...

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4 - PART 5 - PART 6 - PART 7 - PART 8 - PART 9 - PART 10 - PART 11 - PART 12 - PART 13 - PART 14 - PART 15 - PART 16 - PART 17 - PART 18 - PART 19 - PART 20 - PART 21 - PART 22

[sylvinargentina]

Last day + Travel Home

On the last day in South America Amanda and I were both tired from yesterday so we didn’t plan to do much.

The only plan was to check out the Vila Magdalena (hipster street art district). We found a bus that went directly there and left the apt around 10:30.

We saw a lot of amazing street art and then had a little bit of a hike uphill to the metro stop. But it’s a nice neighborhood.

We took the green metro to the yellow line for one stop and went to a Brazilian steakhouse.

You might be shocked but I have never been to a US Brazilian steakhouse... I’ve been to a Texan one but it was definitely different. This was a lot of good food and again we decided it was ok to spend a little more since it was my last day.

This place was recommended by our SF friends from the day before and they also warned us the drinks were what was expensive. We stuck to water, they ask you when they seat you, but we had like 6-8 bottles (they’re small) and that was definitely a large part of the bill. But even with that the buffet plus unlimited really good meat and a dessert was only $50usd/person. And it was yummy!

The buffet had salads and salad fixings, grilled veggies, cheeses and sushi. They automatically brought us 5 different plates of breaded things (cheesy bread - a delicious must!, onion rings, fries, tater-tots and polenta squares).

Then you turn your card to green and you’re off! Amanda had to help remind me to pace myself. I kept the green up because I was expecting them to come around with each type of meat in an order. But for awhile they kept bringing the same stuff so I turned my card red for awhile. In the end I had a lot of meat, I even had to order one cut (7-10 min wait). But towards the end Amanda would share a bite of the one piece of meat I got and that was more than enough food. Somehow we still had room for a dessert which was totally worth it. When we were done we asked for a taxi outside and the place pulled their personal van out and drove us back to our Airbnb!

We headed back because we thought we’d meet up with Amanda’s other friends but they didn’t wake up in time (one had picked up the other at the airport at 5/6a that morning). So we spent about an hour hanging out at the apartment. I took a desperately needed shower since we sweated a lot during our walking around that morning. And charged my phone as much as I could.

I caught an Uber at 3:30 to give me more than ample time since there were blocos (carnival block parties) happening all over town. They started in some neighborhoods at 9am. Amanda and I had seen a few people dressed up (think Pride outfits) when on the metro. The drive took an hour since the international airport is super outside of the city but was only $18 USD.

Had awhile to wait in the airport since got there early. Luckily they had internet so I posted the rest of all my trip photos to Facebook. I took Emirates and there were only about 20 people getting on this 787 and even there were people still on the flight continuing there was definitely enough room for pretty much everyone to get their own row. I should have slept the whole flight but due to getting food right in the middle o watched one and a half movies. I got the last hour to sleep but the flight attendants woke me up just to put the seat backs up... they were up almost all the way... just the last 5 cm or something it was obnoxious that they woke me up for that! Then when we landed they wouldn’t let us economy “commoners” even see the fancy people in business class get off. They kept the curtains closed and wouldn’t let us go until business class had deplaned.

After getting off the plane I made my way quickly to the front of the pack which was good because the customs line was already long. And I was getting more and more cranky the more sleep deprived I got. All the suitcases were just sitting on an unmoving conveyor belt by the time I arrived... it took that long. And the whole plane was behind me in line.

Then went through immigration and finally found the taxi booth for the free shuttle to the hotel... that was an ordeal. One booth said to go outside, we went outside but they told us we needed a ticket back inside... turns out there was a second booth. There were about 5 other people this happened to as well.

Finally got in a van but we had to wait to fill the van... so that took another 20 min and I’m sitting here like... I have to wake up at 4:15a... it is 12p... why did I get this hotel?!

Anyway, I arrived at the hotel finally at 12:30, checked in and went to the room. I didn’t sleep well but pretty sure would have slept worse in the airport.

Woke up at 4:15a and now I’m at the airport for a 6:55 flight 2 hours early... and there’s even another Lima Avianca flight leaving at 6:05... so the announcements are confusing.

It’s going to be a long day of a trip back. Same stops: Santiago to Lima, Lima to San Salvador (El Salvador), San Salvador finally home. Should be arriving 8pm Sunday night 10th. Hopefully that stays true. And of course I was an idiot and go straight to work tomorrow/Monday morning.

Although this trip is/was totally worth it! Just don’t talk to me for like a week ;)

[icesis]

A Trip of a Life Time

It has always been a life long dream of mine to visit Japan. This year, that finally happened. From March 23-April 2nd, I had made my way to and through Japan.

So I would like to walk you through my trip and what happened!

On March 23rd 2017, we left our house around 2:15am to arrive at the air port around 3am. The weather was terrible, we were having snow and ice at the time. Our travelling companion arrived around 3:45 am. We checked his bag, and headed through security around 4am.

Funnily enough, my great aunt was travelling on the same plane as us to Toronto, and we met up for a few minutes before boarding the plane.

We boarded our flight around 6:10am (on time!) for our departure at 6:50am. We were all seated and getting ready to go. Waiting to get de-iced, the maintenance folk thought they saw a leak. This caused a delay of over 2 hours, and we left after 9am when they determined it was just melting snow. During this delay, my spouse and I watched Doctor Strange in its entirety. Finally de-iced, we took flight.

We arrived in the Toronto Pearson Airport around 10am EST (2hours after our flight left Halifax). Many of those on our flight had missed connections and there was a lot of chaos from the delay. Thankfully, it just made our layover shorter. 

We were supposed to meet up with my great aunt and her friend for food, however, they were told they had a chance to make their layover and tried to get there. However, once all was done they sadly missed it and couldn’t get out of their section of the airport.

So we ate Pad Thai at Thai Express, and then made our way through security again, and to our terminal. It was pretty uneventful after this, and we boarded our flight to Japan at 1:50pm. Since our flight boarded quickly, we ended up leaving a little bit early at 2:20pm.

During the flight (which was 13 hours), I tried to sleep and watched movies. After awhile, you do get very uncomfortable, but don’t want to move and disturb those around you.I was excited, as the plane had Your Name which I had been wanting to see but hadn’t come out in North America yet. I also watched some episodes of the Big Bang Theory with my spouse. I don’t remember exactly what I ate on this flight, but I do remember really enjoying the chicken meal I had, and of course the best part of my flight was my Cup Noodle! I also watched most of Moana but fell asleep towards the end.

Since my spouse and I only took carry on bags, our moving through the airport and security was very fast and we were ready to go immediately. However, our friend had brought a checked in bag, which caused us a lot of delays with leaving. At the airport, we obtained our pocket wifi from Wifi Ninja and our Suica cards for the train.

We boarded to Monorail, and we were listening for our stop. A kind older Japanese man boarded the train and spent some time talking to us. It was really pleasant experience. We did, however, miss our train stop and had to get off and get back on the train on the other side.

We took in what we could as we boarded our next train towards our apartment we were renting. Once we found our way, we dropped off our goodies and went out to see what we could find.

We grabbed some drinks out of the vending machine, and headed to Lawsons and 7-Eleven to see what we could find. We then headed back to the apartment for the night.

For our second day, we got an early start and headed out. We stopped at McDonalds and decided to try a Mega Muffin (two sausages, cheese, egg, and bacon) which was a delicious greasy mistake. 

We walked around Akihabara and Shinjuku. Sadly, we didn’t realize most things didn’t open until later. So we didn’t do too much during this time.

We found our way to pick up our Japan Rail Passes while were out though!

We found tons of vending machines while we were out.

And we found a Square Enix Cafe! Sadly you can’t see how long the line was, but it was definitely a few blocks long.

We later made our way over to Ueno Park and Zoo. Where we saw a lot of animals and cherry blossoms starting to bloom.

We also got to see some great signs!

After this, I was exhausted and we headed home. I slept a long time this night!

The next day, we were just wondering around and taking in the sights. We checked out Taito Games and the Mega Tokyo Pokemon Center. I also tried some various foods, but notably it was some store bought dango!

Because of being so sore, we didn’t do too much else this day. However, we did eat at McDonald’s again and had a Big Mac! It was the most beautiful Big Mac I have ever had. 

That brings us to the 27th. This was Disney Day! We visited Tokyo Disneyland which was way more emotional than I thought it would be. I was stunned when I got there. I hadn’t ever been big into going to Disneyland or World, but since it was near us I wanted to go. 

I’m not one to be super corny, but it definitely felt magical. It also helped that it always smelled like candy in the park.

Once we left Disneyland, there was a crepe shop outside called Bell’s Crepes... and I knew I had to try one! I even ordered in Japanese! 

While we were in Tokyo, I got to meet up with one of the lovely girls I met when she was here in Halifax studying English. She took us to a great restaurant and we had a really good time! I can’t wait until I can see her next. :)

Then it was time to move on. We made our way to Kyoto to meet up with my close friend Yuuka, who I met while she was studying in Halifax. We visited the Fushimi Inari-Taisha shrine, which was beautiful. Those gorgeous torii will stick with me forever.

We ate at some of the vendors outside. We tried a mochi skewer, yakiniku and nikumaki! I think Nikumaki was my favorite. I ate it so fast I forgot to take a picture.

After this, we headed back to Osaka and ate at the restaurant Kappa Zushi.

We then headed to our capsule hotel in Dotonbori. The capsule hotel was beautiful, and outside of a bit of a language barrier, we got checked in and stayed the night.

My friend was busy the next day, so we made our way around to see what we could find. We visited an internet cafe, which was an amazing experience! I wish we had them here. It had a vending machine for hot food, and machine that dispensed free drinks for patrons! 

We also played in an Arcade. We played a Dungeon’s and Dragons game together. We then met up with a friend I had made on the app Hello Talk. He took us to this wonderful Tuna restaurant. We ate delicious fried tuna ribs, we tried sushi, and sashimi.

He gave us a beautiful gift each. They were chopsticks with our names and lucky animals. 

The next day, we met up with Yuuka again, and she took us to visit Himeji Castle. It was a rainy day, but it was still a lot of fun! We stopped at ate food on the way too!

After this, we did some shopping, and ate at Cafe de Miki. Which is a Hello Kitty themed Cafe!

We then met up with Yuuka’s mother, whom I had the pleasure of meeting. We exchanged gifts and they saw us off on our train to head back to Tokyo.

One of these gifts was this delicious unagi bento box that Himeji is known for.

The next day, we went out on our last adventure for the day. We visited Super Potato where we picked up some games and our traveling companion picked up a Super Famicom.

After this, it was time to get ready to leave. We packed our bags that night and headed to the airport early the next day. Everything went smoothly for us, and we got through quickly. It was sad to come home. I would definitely love to live in Japan one day!

Here is a bit more of Japan that I didn’t know where to squeeze in else where! I met a toilet I hate, and toilets I love while I was there. You have regular toilets, squat toilets and what I like to call super toilets. I love these fully loaded toilets. They have bidets, some have things to dry you, heated seats, and some make noise so others can’t hear what you’re doing!

I also took pictures when I found stores I recognized from home. Some won’t be surprising. However, I was totally surprised to find out Kumon was from Japan! I only ever knew it  from here.

That’s all I have for now! I hope you enjoyed my trip through Japan!

[elliotgoodtiger]

Chapter 6 “Royal Typewriter”

Giles came back today. Oh wait, you don’t know who Giles is, do you? Giles is the man we hired to take photo and video content during our recording session here at Middle Farm Studios. He stands 6ft 7in and runs a 6min mile with ease. I’ve only ran the 3 mile farm course twice, and both times with him. It’s the hardest course I’ve ever ran in my life. Before I get into that though, let me tell you how I became a runner, and why it’s important to me.

My dad was always in fairly good shape, but when I got to around 13 years old, he told himself “If I have any chance of still being able compete against him in basketball when he’s a teenager, I better start training now”. Right there and then he started running. Buying running books, subscribing to running magazines, buying running watches, all of it. He was obsessed. 5k races soon turned to 10k, which soon turned to half marathons, which soon turned to marathons. Hell he even did a triathlon and nearly drowned in the Chesapeake bay. When I turned 15, my dad forced me to run cross country at my High School. I wasn’t exactly thrilled. Actually, I was pretty fucking annoyed. At 15, my hobbies were basketball (poorly), playing guitar (poorly), playing video games (successfully), and, er, doing other things a young teenager does when his parents are at work (successfully). The thought of having to interact with classmates, and spend my Saturdays traveling to races that I would always finish in last, was not appealing. And thats exactly what happened. I finished last every. single. race. ‘Cause I didn’t try. Had no interest. My dad would take off from work early to watch me not try. He wasn’t too happy about that. I don’t blame him. Anyways, that would be the first and only school activity I would ever be eligible for as I continued to fail my classes. Sorry pop. I worked a near full time job all though my senior year of high school, so while he wasn’t exactly thrilled that I was on course to NOT graduating, he saw I wasn’t just sitting around doing nothing.

Anyways, years go by, I’m living on my own, blah blah blah blah blah. He’s still running, and still trying to get me into it. I still have no real interest of doing anything but going to work, coming home, drinking beer, and playing guitar. But he still tells me how great it is. I mean, he REALLY loves the sport. By the time I’m 25, I join my first band, ‘Sky Eats Airplane’. Going from working at Guitar Center, having never played in a serious band before, to suddenly touring the country and playing shows every single night, was pretty nuts. I appreciated the opportunity and experience, but I always kept the mindset of “this could literally end tomorrow”. I was sorta right. Sky Eats eventually fell apart, but as soon as it did, Of Legends was right there behind it, keeping the dream alive. After that, TesseracT was there. The TesseracT situation was a bit different though. I knew that wasn’t going to last long right after my first tour with them. When we agreed to an amicable split, I figured, “hey, I’m sure there’s probably another band right around the corner”. At this point I was 28 and felt too old to just start something new. Plus, I didn’t know the first thing about starting a new band. My buddy Zack and I had ‘Zelliack’, but him and I had no real idea how to bring our bedroom project onto an actual stage. A month after TesseracT and I split, I took a job tour managing a band over in Europe. By the time I got back to the states, I felt lost. I took a job working overnights in a warehouse because I figured I could work on music during the day while working all though the night. I never really minded the hours. 9PM to 6AM. Full time. I could dig it. It’ was supposed to be temporary, but soon the days turned to weeks, turned to months, till I was there for an entire year. Slowly withdrawing from my normal social groups.

When you work the night shift, even on your days off you still keep that schedule. So on days off during the weekday I’d be awake at 3am with nothing to do. Now THATS boring. At first I thought it was kinda nice that I could watch ’The Larry Sanders Show’ uninterrupted, but by the time winter came around I decided I needed to do something other than drink myself to sleep at 11am (Side note, when you’re buying beer at 9am, the person selling you beer has no idea that you just worked a nine hour shift. When you do this three/four times a week, they look at you like you have a serious problem. Hey man, I just want to get a little buzz while Jake and I play Grand Theft Auto, buzz off). There was a gym downstairs in my building, that had a treadmill. “Sure, why not, I’m out of beer, so I need something to do till the store opens up”. I got into full Rocky mode and put on sweats (I’m a dumb-ass) and went downstairs. My first run in close to a decade was by myself, at 3am. I ran a slow mile. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. Actually, I kind of enjoyed it. “Alright, I’ll try it again tomorrow.”. I did it the next day and went a little further. Honestly, I was hooked by my third run. I decided to run every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Each time going a little further till I was doing 4 miles regularly. It was still very wintery outside, and I had NO interest in freezing my balls off, but I figured if I could get to 4 miles at a decent pace on the treadmill I’d be good to go by spring. Once spring came around and I started going outside I realized this was something I wanted to do forever. There was a park/trail right next to my house that I had basically been ignoring the previous 7 years. I realized that at 5am, I would be the only person out there. Imagine having your very own park to run in. Thats what it felt like. As the running days turned to weeks, turned to months, I would ask myself, “Why do I run? For my sanity?”. Yes, that was a big part of it. But, always in the back of my mind, I kept telling myself, “If at any chance I’m going to someday get back onstage, I need to be ready. I need to be in shape”. I was turning into my dad. I was running with purpose, with a goal. Once I felt ready enough, I told him I wanted to run together. He was floored. Excited that there was a new father-son activity in his life. He’s passed on all his running knowledge to me. Thank’s pop. Last winter when Periphery were recording their new album, Jake came and stayed with me for two months. He’d been out of exercise for awhile, and told me he wanted to give running a try. I took him to a track right down the road and watched the man take 15 minutes to run 1 mile. There was a look of intense pain on his face. I figured there was no way in hell he was gonna want to do that again. Later on, over a couple of beers, he told me how he couldn’t wait to get back out there to do it again. So I put him through the ringer. We’d be out in the park and I’d say “don’t worry, the next hill is just a little one”, when really we were going over something that even I would struggle with. By the end of his two months, he was able to do 2 ½ miles without stopping. I figured he’d lose interest in it once he went back home, but he didn’t. He kept up with it, and when he came back to visit that summer we would do four and five milers side by side. Proud of you, bud. When Dez contacted me about wanting to start a new band and asked how would I feel about playing shows again, I didn’t hesitate. I felt ready to get back out there, mentally and physically.

Well, I’ve probably bored you enough. But quickly, let me tell you about this fucking farm course I’ve been running at the recording studio. It sucks. Shit, a goddamn marine would complain about this. The first thing that happens is you run straight up a hill for about half a mile. And it’s steep. Remember when Rocky ran up the mountain in Rocky VI? Well…. it’s not that bad. But to me it feels like I’m preparing to fight Ivan Drago. Around mile 2 you start having to suck in air that is 90% cow manure. So now you’re gagging when you’re already out of breath. Mile 2 ½ is down hill. You’d think that’d be easier. NOPE. It’s just at irritating as running UP hill, just not as tiring. Also, the road is AS wide as a single car. If a car needs to pass by, you have to stop running, and sink yourself into the stalk. Nice, just what I wanted. An itchy ass back. Mile 3 is the real “fuck you”. You’re completely exhausted at this point, all you want is a little straight road to run. Not gonna happen. Have fun running your ass up one more hill. Finally once you reach the end, you’re so cold and caked in mud that all you want to do is take a hot shower. Gotta be honest, I don’t think I’m gonna be missing this run too much once I get back to New York City. The first time we went out, it was me, Giles, and Joa. I came in dead last. I didn’t even know Joa fucking ran. Bah, whatever, now I’m droning. Thanks for listening!

I’ll finish this book later

[soupforthequeen]

80 Days

I’m going to post this so I can finally delete it from my files and be done with it. I’m going to post it and let my heart be over you for good. Thank you for teaching me just how capable of love I really was. A gift that I will always be thankful for, even if it came in the most painful of wrappings.

Day 1

I woke up today, the fan was going, and the room was dimly lit.  Things felt off, but still my body rested with a kind of normalcy. As I wipe the dirt from my eyes I reach over for my phone. Push my finger against the round button and the screen lights up.  8am. It’s only the clock staring back at me. No message notifications. The’ve gotten less and less this week. No usual morning text, like our routine of the past 6 months. A 5 second wave of disappointment washes over me. The demon in my mind whispers to me “It’s happened. He’s finally stopped caring about you”. I shoo it away with the click of my phone.  The screen goes black.  I close my eyes and roll back over. I try to go back to sleep but my body won’t let me. I make my way to the bathroom.  Pee. Flush. And turn on the water to wash my face.  Its cold. The hot water doesn’t always work these past few days. 

I look up at my tired face in the mirror. A blank stare and messy hair looks back at me. For a moment I’m aware of my own loneliness. Like a familiar book on the nightstand that I forgot was there. I walk out of the bathroom and open the blinds in the bedroom. Aiming to take in any of the brightness the sun might offer. I sit back down on the bed. Whatever I had thought about seems so irrelevant now. I decide to look at social media, scroll past the mindless status’s and highlights of others lives. As most people do. Then I move to music. My normal weekend routine. A few hours pass. 9am. 10am. 11am. My phone lights up. It’s you. I open the notification- hurting for it to finally be a text like the ones you used to send me. “hey” No, good morning. No, hey boo. No, Are you awake babe? My heart sinks into my stomach. Your texts have gotten shorter and shorter. My grip on your love suddenly feels maintained by fingertips. Letting my ego rush to shield me, I reply. “hey” Our conversation is quick and short. Like a transaction devoid of any gain. I could be talking to an acquaintance. “just wake up?” “no. been up” “oh ok” “yea” Each word like a prick on the back of my neck. I can feel it building up in me, like a cough I’ve been trying to stifle. A week of feeling like a nuisance. Words of pure indifference. Finally I ask if you feel like talking today. Trying to give you your space while my mind races. The 3 dots appear. Rolling. Rolling. An enternity builds in only a few seconds. A paragraph comes through. I don’t breathe the entire time reading it. You tell me that you honestly don’t. That you’re unhappy. That you have been feeling like you want to be alone lately. My mind tells me “ok just leave him be, let him have his space” So I tell you I’ll leave you alone. I have to, to keep myself steady. A few moments pass. I don’t expect anything back. Suddenly - “Are you happy with me?” A million questions run through my mind. Why is he asking me this? What does he mean? Does he think I’m angry with him? I’m not angry. I ask “what do you mean?” Again. “Are you happy being with me?” Confusion sweeps over me. Why would he ask me this? What do you want from me? I am trying to do what you’re asking of me. I don’t understand. I fire off sentence after sentence. Trying to explain that I am only doing what you want. That I am not unhappy with us. My mind keeps interrupting. Why is he asking me this? Why is he asking me this? Why? My inner voice tells you that I feel like a nuisance lately. That I’m just trying to do what you’re telling me you want. That I’m just trying to help. What do I do? What did I do? You say you you don’t know what to say. You continue to tell me you are unhappy and you can’t explain why. “I feel like I just want to be alone” My heart drops as I slowly start realize what you mean by “alone” Still I can’t wrap my head around it. I fire off a few more questions until I finally ask - “Are you trying to break up with me on deployment?” Ravens circle in the pit of my stomach. I ask what the switch is that flipped in these past two weeks. My mind rushes to the flowers sent, still alive on my desk. The “I love you’s” that you sent me. The card that read “I miss you” What happened? What’s happening? A lifetime spans until your reply comes through. “I’ve been unhappy for awhile.” “The last two weeks have been the worst.” “I need to be by myself” My brain still refuses to see what you’re saying. And you won’t say it. My heart pounds. My hands shake as I fumble to find the FaceTime button. It rings. It rings. It rings. Finally you answer. Your face appears on the screen. I haven’t seen it in days. I’ve forgotten I look a mess. Your stare is cold and vacant. “Hello?” You sound annoyed. I am anxious, nervous, and tired- “what are you saying?” You’re tone reeks of indifference and irritability. You spout off your unhappiness reasons, your recent doctors visit, but none of them are answers. They only create more questions. I ask again. “so what are you saying?” The signal cuts out. My heart feels like a drum in my chest. I redial. You answer annoyed. I ask again. “call signal lost” I feel like I’m on a ledge barely holding on. I call again. Forgetting to breathe. You answer. The signal steadies. “Hello?” “Hello” “Are you trying to break up with me while you’re on deployment?” “I guess I am” I fall. For what seems like forever. Plummeting into a pit of anger, disbelief, and hollow pain. Pain. Such pain. Cut so deep in places I didn’t even know I had. I try to hold it together. I can’t breathe, I can’t think. I feel humiliated for having waited for your return all year. After calling myself yours for almost 3. Like some loyal hound. The stifled cough starts to burst through. 

Only its not a cough. 

It feels like a wild herd of rhinos, running through my throat. Suddenly I’m sobbing. I can’t stop it. I want to stop it. For that split moment I feel like nothing. Less than nothing. No one has ever made me feel like that. “Is - Is there someone else? You can just tell me the truth.” Fed up with me. Angry. “I fucking work here with 5 other guys all the time.” Only you aren’t just with 5 guys all the time. You’re on a new base with new faces you’ve made a point to never mention. My gut churns like there is so much you’re not telling me. So much you will never tell me. I’m trying to control the sobs. You sit there. Unresponsive, and uncomfortable. You don’t even care. I try to speak in-between the tears but nothing but my ache sounds audible. You cut in sharply. “I have to go.” My heart shatters and a black hole forms where my trust used to live. I immediately hang up as my loneliness blankets the air. All I can do is slump down on the bed and cry. I cry until my eyes hurt. Until my head hurts. Until my throat is horse. Until all thats left is the settling dust from the ravens making their exit. Until all that my body has the energy to do is close my eyes and sleep. How I want to sleep for an eternity. Until this pain inside me turns to stone.

Day 2

14 hours later… I open my eyes. And for a moment I have forgotten. Like maybe it was just a bad dream. Like maybe it’s not real. Then like a tidal wave, it crashes in on me. All I want is to be back asleep. All I want is to not think. To not remember. To never feel again. I dare to look at my phone. Nothing but the clock stares back at me. I want to never speak again. I want to see no one and hear nothing. I pull myself out of bed like a coroner peeling a body from the pavement. Everything feels numb. I turn on the shower at the hottest setting it will go. Strip my clothes away, and step into the heat. The water burns my back and I stand there. And stand there. and stand there. It’s all I can manage to do. Resting my head against the cold tile. I feel sick. The tears come in quick waves. Like the tide coming in. The foam small knives, digging into my sands each time. The water begins to slowly turn cold. I quickly wash my hair and face, and brush my teeth. The faucet squeaks as it turns off. The water stops. The only sound left is the incessant bathroom fan whirring. Somehow I manage to get dressed and brush my hair. I keep arguing with myself to stop. Get it together. I have shit to do. Laundry, bills, work. What am I going to do? I shove my laundry in a basket and bring it out to my car. I had plans to go to my moms to wash it. Plans before any of this. Now I have to tell her. How do I tell her? I drive the hour to her house. The humming of the car soothes me into a numbness. Finally I pull into the driveway. She’s happy to see me. I get out of the car and she asks me whats wrong. Tells me I look tired. I’m trying to hide it. I have a million conversations with myself in a moment. Tell her. Don’t tell her. Tell her. Don’t tell her.

Finally I tell her. And surprisingly it comes out like nothing. She’s confused, doesn’t understand. I don’t know what to tell her. I try to explain. It only makes her ask more questions. I immediately regret leaving my apartment. I think she senses my discomfort and tries to brush it off. “He wasn’t right for you anyway” “You’ll be ok. You’re strong. Much stronger than me.” It doesn’t take more than a few minutes before she’s back to questions. I try to explain to her that I don’t really know. All that’s left is that what’s done is done. I walk inside and put in a load of laundry. For some reason the sound of the washer is comforting. I sit down at the counter as she stands across from me in the kitchen. More questions. My stomach turns.

Day 3

I go to work. Numb like white noise the entire drive in. I manage to tell my dad and my sister. Both are shocked and confused at the news. I don’t know what to say to them. How I wish I knew what to say to them I sit down and reply to a few emails. My mind thinks of you and I cry at my desk. Wiping my tears as soon as they fall. Making sure to keep my head down. No one see’s. More emails.

Lunch comes. But my stomach feels like a vast desert.  The thought of eating makes me sick. Instead I talk to my dad, sitting in my car. I cry on the phone with him for the entire hour.  I wipe my tears with a crumpled napkin and go back into work.  And sit down like nothing is wrong.

5:30 comes.  I leave as soon as the clock hits. Tears cascade down my face the entire drive home. Falling to the hum of the tires on the pavement. Finally, home. I open the apartment door. Darkness and silence. I turn on the lights. Still no appetite. All I can do is listen to music. It’s the only thing keeping me from bursting into a million shards. I cry to the lyrics. I cry to the notes played. I cry for hours. Until my sadness suddenly molds itself into anger. Like wet clay on a spinning wheel. An anger that will consume me in flames if I don’t release it. I purge it from my veins. With the catharsis of pen on paper. Once the truth of my pain is made solid in blue ink I begin to pack up your things. Slowly but precisely burying all the reminders of you. For a moment I feel a sense of relief. It only lasts so long. But it’s enough to let me sleep.

Day 4

Sleep stopped being my solace. I jolt awake, heart pounding. The clock reads 3 am. I dreamt about you. Why does my mind do this to me? My body is anxious and hot like I’ve had a nightmare. Why do I have to dream about you? I feel sick to my stomach.  I run to the bathroom afraid I might throw up. Except there’s nothing for my stomach to reject. I take a sip of water from the faucet and crawl back to bed. I lay there on my back, eyes peeled open. Staring into the darkness wishing for it to swallow me. I don’t fall back asleep for hours.

Day 5 My dad got angry at you at 3:40am. I woke up heart pounding at 4. I texted you at 4:30. You finally talked to me at 4:38. You became untrustworthy of my dad because of his reactions. I apologized for him. I told you it hurts. I told you I didn’t understand. I told you that it felt like you stopped loving me. Then I wished you the best. You said you didn’t. You said you were sorry. Said you have to figure your life out. That you just can’t handle it. My heart accepted at 5am. My eyes closed at 5:05. And I slept. Day 6 I didnt cry when I woke up today. I didn’t cry in the shower. I didn’t cry on the way to work. I didn’t cry when I sat down at my desk. I ate a piece of toast. You texted me at 9:38am. And again at 9:45. Then 9:48. 9:51. I finally responded. You asked if we could talk. The ravens started to swirl in my stomach. I told you I would let you know. Told you I was just trying to make it through the work week. You said you knew. You said “i’m sorry”. I fought tears welling in my eyes. Only a few got through.   I went back to work. I texted you back an hour and 20 minutes later. And told you I could talk when I got out of work. You said you would call me. The ravens swirled in my stomach. I ate at lunch today. Mostly drank water. But I ate a real meal. Halfway through I felt sick. I drank more water. I went back to work. I played the same album 3 times through my headphones. I didnt cry. I was productive. I even laughed at a joke. It was about Trump. You would have found it funny. The ravens slept. I came home from work exhausted. I didnt even bother to turn on the lights in the apartment. I crawled into bed. Fighting sleep. Not knowing when you would call. Sleep. I woke to the phone ringing. “Quatar” I answered. My heart pounding in my ears. “Hello?” “Hello” You asked me how work was. You asked me how I was doing. I didn’t know how to answer you. My heart pounding like an anvil. We talked. 2 hours later, we came to an impasse. Niether one of us knowing what to do or what to say. I said we could let things be for now. Feeling some sense of relief and acceptance. That we will either get through this. Or we will parts ways. My heart is tired, so incredibly tired. You say we will talk again. Then you say that you love me. My heart jumps at the words, but my mind is confused and scoffs at them. My heart replies. “I love you too”.  We hang up. 

I finally sleep a deep sleep. Day 6 I wake up feeling ok. Still struggling if the truth is the truth. Still struggling with why I have to be a part of your confusion. Why I have to be a part of your separation. Still struggling with the idea that your Facebook says single. Yet you said you loved me last night. Still feeling a deep nudge in my gut like something is left out. But I feel ok. I feel like I have the strength to let you go if I have to. Deep down I’m hoping this will eventually make us stronger instead. Still I sense I can prepare myself to face it.  But I’m scared that your choices have ruined me. That I wont be able to stop wondering. That I wont be able to just believe you. That I wont be able to get past how you could just drop me like a worn out coat. I havent cried once today. I got through the work day. I ate breakfast and lunch. I lived life without you today. and I was ok. Day 43 It’s Christmas. We haven’t spoken a word since I found out about her. Since I saw your “wowed reactions” to all her photos. Or her Air Force uniform. I still wonder if you ever truly knew me. Thinking I’d be so stupid. Thinking I could be so easily manipulated.  You blocked me and all my family the minute I asked who she was. As if they had anything to do with this. You completely erased every future whisper of me the second I begged for honesty. When I stated she was the true reason for your sudden change.  Since I decided I deserved better than this.  That I gave you better than this. Your deafening silence said all that needed to be heard. I had stopped writing about you until today.  Christmas night I was alone.  And I was happy. 

Day 80 We never made it through this. Even though you promised me we would. The last words I ever spoke aloud to you “I love you”.

[attrny-a]

6 days

Before Tuesday, last week, I don’t remember what I’ve been doing anymore.

I messaged my friend in law school who took a break from it since last semester. I told her I missed her company. We ended up chatting for like 20 minutes or so, catching up a little and making me feel a little better. She told me about this two circles where you write down the things that are important to you and the things you have no control of. She said I need to write these things down to somehow let them off my chest. It’s not a new advice that I hear, I mean, I hear it all the time. Write down the things that bother you, all that stuff. But this time, I’m really doing this. Although, I may have actually done this a couple of times because I keep a journal with me and I have a secret note app in my phone whenever I want to write something but I won’t be able to because my journal is not with me. You know, for easier access. Anyway, so this. Well, I’m not gonna do the two-circle-therapy thing just yet. I’m just gonna walk you through, first, with what happened to me the last six days.

September 1, 2020, Tuesday. I woke up early because I have an appointment with our college registrar. I went to Landbank, first, to pay for my initial payment for this semester. After that, I went to university to give a copy of my deposit slip to the cashier and to meet with our registrar. The school guard reprimanded me from visiting the university without certification from the barangay and for being 21 years old. I get it, anyway. I should never really be going out these times but what could I do? Now, upon talking with our registrar, she went back to me and told me that our registrar will just take care of my business in the university so I left already. I proceeded to a bookstore and bought yellow pad papers for my digested cases. Then, I walked my way through drugstores and supermarket to buy essentials. I finally arrived at PLDT Albay at around 9AM and waited in line for 3 whole hours (while reviewing my Negotiable Instruments Law, Sec 1) just so I can follow up our application for internet service. On my way home that almost 1PM, Mama called telling me that they were going to SD. Realizing that I have studied enough for my class that day and I won’t be having a class the next day, I decided to join them. Note that I had not taken my lunch yet. When I arrived at home, I immediately packed my other stuff and remembered to carry my application in DepEd. My family dropped me by and waited for me in the DepEd office. As soon as I went inside the “guard’s entrance office,” I passed my application and boy, they had so many questions. Just to keep the long story short, I had to reprint my application letter because I got the wrong regional director. Damn you, internet. So I told my parents that they can go. We actually had an argument because I was so hungry and so tired and they don’t seem to care about it, Papa, especially. He certainly wanted me to pass the application to DepEd so that I can have a job already. I mean, it’s what I want, as well, but I could not help but feel inferior and less important. I walked a long just so I can find a printing shop while crying and telling myself that I am not anymore doing this for them. I am doing this for myself because if I depend on them as my very reason to pushing myself, I would not go anywhere but just be stuck there, hurting myself. After I passed the application, I rode a jeepney to SD. My phone’s battery was already low so I messaged my Tita and sister to send me Kuya Juan when I arrived to SF at about 30 minutes. When the jeep parked to get some passengers, I walked out of the jeep to buy a load for my class later that night. I was walking so fast back and forth. When I arrived at SF, there was no one to pick me up so I ended up walking that 10-minute road to my grandmother’s house. I was so sad and exhausted that day that I had no energy in my class. The only good thing was that I was not called. Well, that was not actually very good because, the heck, I studied so hard for that provision and memorized some parts of it so I’d be ready. I knew that I was so ready for a recitation that day, but no. The universe wants me to be called on the parts where I have little to no idea at all. Thank you very much.

September 2, 2020, Wednesday. This day, I actually had a good start. I woke up early in the morning due to Freddie Mercury. I went outside and had a good sun bathe with my baby cousin, Baby Arungga. We stayed outside until 7AM. When we went inside, we had a nap together with my other baby cousin, Ayumi, who is not-so-baby-anymore. I woke up at 8AM and ate my breakfast which my siblings were kind enough to reserved some for me. I took a bath in the morning and ate my lunch. I tried reading my codal in the afternoon but I ended up sleeping in the sala. In the evening, I stayed up late reading my reviewer in Property for the next day’s class. 

September 3, 2020, Thursday. We went back home. I immediately prepared myself for my class that day. I studied the whole morning and afternoon. I was called in Property and boy, guess what?? I was so embarassed because I did not remember the five kinds of physical injuries which was taught to us by the same professor last semester. Articles 262 to 266 of the Revised Penal Code: Mutilation, Serious Physical Injuries, Administering Injurious Substances, Less Serious Physical Injuries and Slight Physical Injuries. Why didn’t I remember that? Then I remember Aristotle saying, “in learning comes remembering.” How can I pass the bar if I can’t even remember last semester’s lessons? After class, I went back home, because I’m having my classes at my grandmother’s house near us, and I went upstairs to see the moonlight. But I figured that Papa might go upstairs and ask me why I was there so I opened the room and ended up watching the t.v. I cried a bit in the comfort room and did some affirmation to myself. I was so frustrated that night.

September 4, 2020, Friday. I had no class this day but I did study and study and study. Oh right, have I mentioned that I studied today? And then after that, I studied. I studied until 1AM. I was so frustrated and disappointed to myself because I was not able to cover everything. Oh and, this is so weird. When I was about to sleep, maybe I was half asleep here already, I could not move my hand and later realizing that I could not move my whole body, not even open my eyes and mouth. I remember I was trying to call Mama three times but no word was coming out of me. It was like that a few minutes and then I slowly opened my eyes and moved my body. I felt a bit afraid but I was so sleepy, I decided not to think about it anymore. I wrapped myself with my blanket and lied with Micmic just to make me feel I’m not alone.

September 5, 2020, Saturday. You don’t want me to be talking about what happened to me on a Saturday. No. Just no. Okay, I had classes from 8AM until 4PM. You can just imagine how dreading it is to be present in those times and to wait for every class to end. Unlike my other classmaters who had until 6PM, I was a bit lucky but hey, what’s the difference? That two hours was spent on recovering my poor eyes from seeing two same things at the same time. Unfortunately, that was not enough. Until 12MN, my eyes were so tired they could barely see. 

September 6, 2020, Sunday. Now, I’m stoked. It’s already 1:01PM and I’m still writing this text just so I can remember this years from now. I don’t feel fine. I feel drained. Awhile ago, 9AM to 12NN, we had a class in Constitutional Law I. I was not able to submit my quiz because I was not aware that it was due 9:50, I assumed it was at 10:00. Even if we were 9 students who failed to submit, it’s still something. Plus, the two times I was called to answer the questions, boy, I was wrong. Completely wrong. It’s so embarassing. Especially the second one because I volunteered myself in that question! So that’s a deduction of 10 points. How can you deduct 10 points from 0? Negative! I’m out. I have to eat. Jeremy Zucker’s right, I might lose my mind. But he also said that it’s alright not to be fine. So I’ll be trying. For now, let me suck and let me sleep!

This is your atty., feeling a lot lately but have nowhere or no one to share my misery with so here went nothing. Do not worry. I’ll get by. Bye now.