#following list ended up resurfacing some bad experiences

[darehearts]

*cries behind coffee cup*

[softsebnbuckystan]

Soul ties - Part 13/Finale (Bucky Barnes au)

“I've hungered for your touch

A long, lonely time”

Soul ties playlist : https://open.spotify.com/playlist/054hHxpYJ2rIluevfSaGRK?si=w1JkdfFwTjuXZMegQd9WHw

Waking up from your first night with Bucky was a feeling you would make sure you'd never forget. You knew he didn't get much sleep : you'd only  been to his room once, but you'd noticed the single blanket on the floor, which somehow reminded you of Steve's bed in the early years of your friendship.

"You didn't even move," you said as you woke up with his arm around you. "I feel bad I kept you in an uncomfortable position."

"Don't. I couldn't wake you up for anything in the world," he joked. "Even when you snored."

"Lord, take me out of this misery," you complained as you got up from your bed, escaping Bucky's embrace.  "You were joking, right?"

He grinned and shook his head no. Damn. You ran your brush through your hair and picked up  your phone on your way to the bathroom to brush your teeth. Checking your messages, you noticed a text from Steve.

"Tony dropped off some papers for you. Didn't want to wake you guys up."

Your heart jumped as you realised what papers Steve was talking about. Divorce papers. You rinsed your mouth, put on some jeans and a T-shirt before telling Bucky about the special delivery.

"All I have to do is sign them, then drop them off at Darren's," you explained. "Best case scenario : he signs them right away and I get to go back with them."

Bucky was already seated and he was getting ready to go change as well. "And worst case scenario would be...?"

"He doesn't sign them at all, and I have to go through the court system," – you sighed – "which I really don't want to."

"It's not gonna happen," he assured you. "I'm coming with you to make sure of it."

"You don't have to do that, you know?"

"I want to."

You slowly sat on his lap, wrapping your hands around his neck. "I'm a really lucky woman." You couldn't help but smile before kissing him quickly. "Okay. I gotta go read and sign those papers. If you want to make some coffee while I do so..."

"Oh, I see, already taking advantage of my soft spot for you," he said. "I didn't think-"

"So you have a soft spot for me, huh?" you teased, a nervous laugh escaping your mouth.

"Did I say that?"

"Maybe. I guess we're even, then. Soft spots for each other sounds good."

You got up and put on your shoes.

"It does," he agreed. "Alright, I gotta make some coffee now."

---

"I didn't think I'd see you this soon."

"Well, I'm full of surprises," you snapped at your future ex-husband as you handed him a small stack of paper. "I need you to sign this."

Darren's eyes kept going from you and Bucky to the papers. He grabbed the divorce agreement hesitantly and read the title.

"What if I don't?"

"You will."

Bucky's low and stern voice had unsettled your interlocutor so bad he opened his mouth without  saying anything.

"If you don't mind, we'll come in and make sure you sign these," you said as you made  your way through the hallway of the building. "I also have some stuff I want back."

"Fine," Darren agreed  grudgingly. "It's not like I have a choice anyway. I don't want your new pet boyfriend to attack me."

"He's not-"

"Let him," Bucky told you. "Please, let him give me an easy excuse to do it."

You held back a laugh : you knew Bucky didn't want to be involved in a meaningless fight. On the other hand, letting Darren believe this was a possibility seemed like a fun taste of payback.

"C'mon, Buck. He's not worth the trouble."

You grabbed his hand as you preceded Darren in the staircase that led to your former apartment. You took him to the bedroom you and Darren once shared ; you could see his face changing at the sight of the bed and decoration that still bore your mark.

"Are you okay?" you asked.

"Sure."

You got away  from the wardrobe you were about to open and walked up to him.

"No you're not. Talk to me," you said as you stroked his cheek.

"This room is filled with memories," he whispered. "Memories that are his."

"And that's all he's got," you retorted. "Memories. That's the only thing he can cling to from now on, assuming that even means something to him."

"But it means something to you, and I don't want you to erase all that," he confessed.

"Bucky... I'm not erasing anything," you promised, knowing how hard it was for him to think he was stripping someone from their memories. "Life is about learning. If I hadn't been married to him in the first place, I probably wouldn't have met you. See? Learning from past experiences is not erasing said experiences. I know you're feeling like the bad guy here, but you're not."

"He looks miserable. That's kinda my fault."

"You didn't let me blame myself for this, and I'm sure as hell not gonna let you blame yourself either."

You smiled and kissed him on the cheek before going back to the wardrobe. Grabbing a bag and filling it with your remaining clothes didn't feel as heavy as it did when you'd last been here. Your chest felt ten times lighter, and you were convinced Bucky's presence had something to do with it.

"I'm good," you said. "Those are the only things I couldn't bring last time."

You left the bedroom and found Darren sitting at the kitchen table, his pen hovering over the divorce agreement.

"Could you get done with this already?" you asked softly. "I'm kind of in a hurry."

"You're so eager to leave me, aren't you?" Darren scoffed. "I thought..."

"What?"

"I thought you could make this work for us."

You let  out a long, disappointed sight. "The very  fact you think it's my job and mine only to make this marriage work is another sign of why it didn't," you pointed out. "I shouldn't have lied to you about my tattoo in the first place," you admitted, "but the way you treated me all those years was far from right."

"But I was good to you."

"No, you weren't."

Darren lowered his eyes and signed the final page. With a single hand, he slid the agreement towards you.

"Thank you," you told him. "I'm glad we could end this the nice way."

"It's really over, huh? You're just gonna leave with a guy you've known for a couple of months."

For once,  there was no animosity in his voice. He sounded resigned more than he sounded sad.

"Yes. I might not have known Bucky for long, but he treated me the way I know I deserve. I'm not sorry you couldn't be that person, because there is someone out there waiting to meet you as well."

"Yeah, maybe."

You picked up the papers and went for the door, Bucky following you.

"Goodbye, Darren."

You didn't get an answer, as you'd expected. You went down the stairs silently and dropped your bag on the backseat of the car before sitting behind the wheel. Bucky sat in the passenger's seat, unsure of what he should say.

"Thanks for coming along," you ended up saying. "I think it helped me stay calm."

Bucky squeezed your knee gently as you started the engine : his  hand didn't leave  your leg for the rest of the trip, and you'd  never been more thankful  for automatic cars.

---

"Surprise," Natasha told  you as she greeted you with a glass of champagne. "Steve told me the news."

"What is it we're celebrating, exactly?" you asked with a chuckle.

"Your divorce, of course! I couldn't make it to the wedding, might as well celebrate its ending."

"I'm-, oh god." Keeping things serious was impossible and the light-hearted feeling in  your chest resurfaced. You thought you'd feel more guilt over divorcing Darren, but you knew now that it was the best thing to do.

Bucky laid a hand on your waist  even though there were a few people around, and Nat handed him a glass as well. Wanda, Steve and Sam ended up drinking with you, and even Tony made an appearance. Laughing, talking and chilling with your family felt like an enormous relief after the past few weeks. Despite your surroundings, Bucky's hand couldn't seem to leave your body : your shoulder, thigh or arm or even your back... Maybe you weren't the only one who felt freed by signing those papers. You stayed up late that night, and Natasha was the last one to leave.

"Big day, huh?"

You nodded and snuggled up to Bucky on the couch. "About what you said earlier-"

"It's okay," he said. "I just...you have memories with him. I cannot pretend they don't exist, and-"

"Don't. They're not relevant," you said, cutting him off before cupping his face. "It's you and me now, Buck. Every moment in my life, every choice I ever made led me to you. So yeah, Darren and I share memories. Some of them are good. Some aren't. So what? You and I will make new ones, and that's what matters to me."

You  pressed your forehead against his and closed your eyes.

"I'm in love with you," you confessed. "I'm in love with you and I've never felt it this strong, ever, and it's scary but it's also the most exciting thing-"

His lips crashing on yours interrupted your whole speech. His hand found the skin on your waist as he laid you down on the couch and kissed you with passion, enjoying the fact that the room was all yours. He pulled back, leaving you out of breath. He got up abruptly and extended his hand, grabbing yours and putting you back on your feet. Pulling you into a tight hug, he kissed your cheek and your neck.

"I love you,"  he whispered in your ear.

"I love you too," you said. You grabbed his hand on your waist and led  him through the compound. You stopped in front of his bedroom and stood  on tiptoe to plant a kiss on his nose. "Let's go make new memories now."

the end.

---

this is officially it guys, soul ties is a finished story! sorry the finale took so long to be posted but i've barely had time for myself with exams coming soon. i hope this story made its way to your heart like it did mine. :)

tag list : @ginger-swag-rapunzel @joscelyn02 @writehistorynotthegrocerylist @bluemoon-icecream @lady-loki-ren @simplybombshell @lizajane3 @livingonkpop @kaitieskidmore1

[autismisaokay]

As a fair warning this post is a time where I break my NSFW rule because it has to do about my body and health. So as a warning I will be talking about some heavy stuff.

I wasn’t sure when there was going to be a good time to really bring this up. A while back I brought up that I was doing research on trans man. Lately I’ve also been reblogging some trans support and resources. I just got a question asking if I was trans and the answer is, yes I’m a man. More specifically I’m a trans man.

Honestly this whole process has been just that a process and it’s no where near from being done. I’ve been terrified to bring this up for multiple reasons that I can’t even list all here. I was going to wait until I was on T before I started to really choose. However my insurance won’t pay for my HRT until I have a psych eval and I’ve been living as a man (again without T) for 12 months. An people have really started to pick it up irl and it was only a matter of time until people started to figure it out here.

This hasn’t been fun for me and I had to come out twice in the span of three days to my mother. Who says she will not respect my pronouns or my name until I’ve gotten them legally changed and gotten the psych eval. (The fact I also need to do a psych eval in the first place is really degrading to me) She also told me that since I never played with trucks as a kid or didn’t show signs to her that I can’t be trans. She would have accepted me if I had shown the signs early on and she knows trans people and I can’t be one. I tried telling her I was scared and I hid it. She also told me that my grandmother knows and my grandmother asks that I, “Please wait until she dies.” To transition or else this will be the thing that kills her and she doesn’t have long left anyway. My grandmother was my first best friend in the world and I thought would be until the day she died and the family member I was closest to. I’ve also been told by my mother that I’m being selfish and that the rest of my family wouldn’t accept this. Which I told her I understood.

My mom thinks I’m doing this for attention, I got caught up in one of my “phases”, and because it’s a “internet trend.” When I told her this is who I am she said that, “this is who I am” is the buzzword for the trans internet right now and to try again and give her another reason other than that. She also believes being trans is a trend right now. Which is another reason why I was scared to come out here. I know a lot of people are transitioning here and I was horrified of looking like I was doing this for attention or trying to take attention away.

She wants me to go to my endo appointment and an eval and she says she’ll only accept this unless they do because “she has to” at that point. She doesn’t want to do any of this and in order for me to get any respect I have to hold her hand. I understand she’s grieving a child but I feel like my whole family just died and she kinda confirmed they did, metaphorically.

This is my coming out letter I wrote that I got to read the second time I came out that I couldn’t read to her the first time. I think it will help explain what I’ve been going through.

“I’ve been receiving a variety of questions on my appearance and mental health from multiple people. “Why did you change things up?” Or, “What’s been going on with me?” Lately I have had a lot of time to consider seriously what I’ve wanted out of life as well as my identity as a whole. What could make and, in many ways, would make me the happiest. To put it bluntly, I figured out I’m a man. I ask that you please save all questions or comments until the end of what I have said, thank you.

There was this over looming anxiety I couldn’t quite put together throughout the process of figuring this out. There was this “entity” we will call it, I had always put to the side or hid for years. Because in the end I didn’t even really have a discernible answer for it. And if I could keep pushing this to the side, it must not be that big of a deal or even affect me that badly. I would always find, or was, in some sort of distraction to keep from digging any deeper into my identity then I was ready for.

When I discovered I’m autistic for the first time for a while it seemed to solve many of my questions, and I was able to put things to bed for a while. Until those self-reflective questions, feelings, and thoughts on who I am woke up in a panicked scream again a couple of years later. Yet I still tried metaphorically placing a pillow over its head to try and force it all “back to bed.” I repeated this cycle again and again, and each time events in my life would cause those questions and feelings to resurface. Becoming worse and worse each time, until I finally had to sit down and face this.

What are these questions though you are probably asking yourself at this point? They are as follows in no order that I’ve asked myself throughout my life, and yes some even in childhood. Why have I always been so self-conscious about my image? Why did my body feel so disgusting and wrong other than inability to love myself? Why did I feel like I had too much of some parts and too little of others? Why was I angry that my voice would not get any deeper? Why did I imagine myself wearing suits but was too scared to do and say so and pushed it aside? Why did the way I pee not feel right? Why when I drew myself as a boy growing up did it feel so good but so bad enough to hide it? Why did I secretly go on boy’s puberty sites as a teenager and feel like it was a game of connecting the dots when anything matched with the boys? Why were the dreams I had as a boy feel so natural?

It all came to one answer, I am a man.

To be honest, I didn’t understand any of this fully or was able to come to terms with this up until the end of March of this year. I had always been trying to do the best with what I was given, in fact I wanted to. Somethings that are perceived as “girly” by certain people I even enjoy which made things doubly confusing.  I thought I was just over blowing things and that for a while being autistic seemed to explain many things, but not everything. Or that I had penis envy, or I didn’t think highly enough of girls and that made me bad. More than anything I was afraid to come to these realizations in fear of what people would think or what would happen. Or that it would be dismissed away, which really scared me. To figure out something as immense as this and not be able to maybe finally be more comfortable and know myself better. That terrified me.

Due to the misunderstandings of trans individuals I feared I would be thought of as a pervert. I even came to think that I was one for being this way. I feared being thought of as incompetent to decide this for myself due to being autistic. A pulsating fiery raging scream stayed buried deep in the pit of my stomach from these thoughts.I started to experiment, to be more certain of coming to terms with this.

I did research and made things like a starter packer. Which are socks bunched together to make a bulge shape like a penis and testes to wear. This gave me enough euphoria to know I wanted more. So, I bought myself a packer (a silicone prosthetic) and something called a STP (Stand To Pee device).  Which gave me so much euphoria I cried the first time I used my STP because it felt so right. At that time, I was speaking with Julia (therapist) to help sort me through this journey since around late March early April. I went on to buy men’s pants and undergarments and cut off all my hair and bought a binder. (Safely compresses my breasts) In addition, I also chose my name and came out to some friends who accepted me and used my correct pronouns. With Julia’s aid she also advised me the biggest thing I could do right now is speak with the community. So, I did and since then I’ve found an online support group and a local support group that I’ve been going to meetings for. It’s helped me place myself and instead of feeling like I didn’t belong I felt like things made more sense in many regards.

I still have many other fears and adversities I will continue to face while living as my true self. One of the things that has really challenged me is that I feel like my words do not have any bearing anymore advocating for autistic people who identify as girls. Now that I’m coming out as a man. As much as I know I’m a man I feel like I’m a bad person for identifying this way since there’s so much stuff out there saying that men are toxic, trash, and unfeeling. And I’m trying to learn how to best be a good and responsible man in this world.

The real me has always been out there and I’d like to be able to live my life the way I was meant to. As a man and on my way to medically transitioning. I am saying all of this because I care, and I want to be able to finally get this out of my system and help elevate this confusion to the best of my ability.

My name is Ren Jason P***, I’m your son, big brother, grandson, friend, colleague, classmate, autistic advocate, and fellow human being. Please don’t turn away the little boy and man, who shouldn’t be dictated by a body he didn’t ask for. 

As Princess BubbleGum says:

“People get built different.”

“We don’t need to figure it out. We just need to respect it.” “

[fierysafrina]

Scars | Nash Gold Jr x reader

Fandom: Kuroko no Basket Rating: Teen (just in case) Word Count: 2.500 Genre: Slice of Life | Angst | Hurt/Comfort Additional tags: tw: self-harm | Depression | Breakdown | mentions of past abuse Summary: You didn’t mean for Nash to see you at your lowest even when you had a hunch that he already knew. Notes: So this oneshot is mostly based on my experience a couple of weeks ago that I wrote as me coping with it. Unfortunately I’m too much of a scaredy cat to actually put up with it and move away, but hey one can dream right?

Also huge thanks to Alex, who helped me with typos asdfghjkl

Rain poured outside. You’re sitting on the balcony, watching the downpour with a cup of cold tea in your hands. Seconds apart there were lightning and thunder. It sends shivers down your spine, making you jump. As much as you’re used to storms by now, you still find yourself flinching when watching directly.

You hear bits of music from inside that make you sigh before you stand and walk back inside. Closing the balcony doors behind yourself, you walked over to the couch and sat down. You stare at the turned off TV screen, not even bothering to turn it on. Pulling your legs against your chest, you wrap arms around your knees and tilt your head, leaning on one arm. You close your eyes and listen to the rain outside and the music that’s streaming from your laptop.

You don’t hear Nash coming back until you hear keys being thrown onto a small closet on the hallway that wakes you from your short slumber. Blinking with your eyes, you stretch your arms and legs before you stand from the couch.

“Did I wake you up?” Nash asks when he walks into the living room.

“Mm,” you shake your head, smiling. “Just closed my eyes for a couple of minutes.” You admit and kiss him on the lips.

He smiles into the kiss. “Mm-good, ‘cause I have something for ya.” He says and pulls away.

You wonder what he has in mind, but you hear it before you see it. It was a rather silent cry that made you raise an eyebrow while Nash’s smile widens. You follow him into the hallway, eyes widening when you see a carrier and from inside peeking a white cat. You coo and kneel down, opening the carrier and taking the cat out. She stills in your hands and you smile, rubbing her stomach.

“How old is she?” you ask, looking at your boyfriend.

“Four years,” Nash answers and he walks behind you, placing his hands on your waist as he leans his chin on your shoulder. “The woman at the vet said she’s spayed and was given shots against diseases, so it should be fine since she’s used to being inside.”

“Oh?” you raise an eyebrow, your expression that of a surprise. “May I ask why you went to the vet?” you smile, ready to tease him.

“Just didn’t want you to be lonely when I’m not here.”

His answer surprised you. You blink and turn to look at him. Your eyes are wide, but your expression softens and smile returns. “Thank you,” you whisper and press a kiss on his cheek. After all, how can you tease him after saying something like that?

Nash wants to say more, but when you look back at the cat with kind eyes, he changes his mind.

Your hands are shaking as you stand in the kitchen. You’re peeling an onion and your eyes are blurry from sudden tears. There’s a wave of emotions and the knife slips off the onion, the edge of it cutting your palm. You don’t realize it right away as you focus on your heaving chest. Releasing both the knife and the onion you hold your head, nails burying into your scalp. You pull on your hair, bursting into tears. You begin to pace around the kitchen, walking from one side to another before you stop back by the counter. Closing your eyes, you try to calm down, try to list five things you hear, feel or smell, but to no avail. You grit your teeth and slam your head onto the counter, moaning from pain, yet it doesn’t stop you from inflicting more pain.

Your whole body is shaking and you don’t notice the cat rubbing against your leg meowing. You pull on your hair once again and fall on your knees.

Using the chance, the cat moves closer and begins rubbing her nose against your face.

“Wet…” you murmur, blinking with your eyes as you slowly come to yourself.

You hear the cat purring as she continues to rub against you, meowing occasionally. Your breathing slowly evened and once you calm down, you’re sitting on the floor with your back against the kitchen counter and the cat sitting on your lap. She’s watching you, purring while you’re rubbing her head. You don’t dare to move even when you know you should prepare lunch, but you’re tired; exhausted from the breakdown you experienced. You wonder what you should explain to Nash when you notice the cut on your palm. Your scalp hurts as does your forehead, yet you remain sitting on the kitchen floor, petting the cat.

You’re not sure how much time passes, must have been an hour or two, but the cat is still on your lap lying when you hear the door open. By now you usually greeted Nash halfway, only this time, you don’t have much strength in yourself to stand up.

“Babe?” Nash’s voice is heard from the hallway.

“Here…” Your voice cracks and you force a smile when he walks into the kitchen.

Nash stops midway, his eyes focusing on you, but you saw the brief look on the counter and at your cut palm and before you know it he’s kneeling by your side, his hand on your cheek. “What happened?” he asks, eyes filled with worry.

You part your lips to answer, to tell him what happened, yet not a single word can be heard. For some reason you can’t tell him and as much as it pains you for keeping it from him, you can’t help yourself. You close your eyes and shake your head.

“It’s okay,” His voice is quiet and he leans forward to press a kiss on your forehead.

At that you wince. “I hit my forehead.” You admit in shame once he looks at you in wonder. His eyes widen and he’s quick to cup your face, brushing away your hair to check for injuries. “I slammed it on the counter, but I’m fine. I didn’t break anything. Just a small headache, nothing serious.” You blabber out. You didn’t want him to worry more than he already was.

“What were you thinking?” he chokes on his own words, his eyes meeting with yours.

“Nothing.” You chirp and smile weakly. “I was just … so overwhelmed that I didn’t think. God I don’t even know what I did, but my scalp hurts.”

Nash curses under his breath and closes his eyes, sighing. “Why didn’t you call me once you had calmed down? I would have come back sooner.”

Your smile softens and you lean against his palm that caresses your cheek. “I had Nessie with me.” You reply and look down at the cat that’s still sleeping on your lap. Her ears twitch once in a while and move her head, but she doesn’t move from where she’s lying. “How long have you known?” you whisper, looking back at him.

For a moment he hesitates. “One of your friends asked about you.” He decides to say, admitting. He sits beside you, pulling one arm around you to bring you closer while the other he rests on your thigh.

You close your eyes and sigh. You expected your family to tell him, yet it ended up being your friend instead.

“I looked up the internet a bit,” Nash continues and brushes Nessie’s head; “and saw that cats are good for emotional support.” You chuckle at that, imagining Nash frowning at the phone while looking for information. “Then Nick said there’s a vet close to his place, which is how I ended up with Nessie. She's not an official ESA, but if you want to—”

“It’s okay,” You shake your head, smiling. “Just having her here was much better than being alone.” You admit and look back at Nessie, who was then looking at you. Closing your eyes, you take in a shaky breath before you speak; “I remembered when I first broke down.” Your voice is nothing but a whisper, but Nash being so close, he hears you much clearer than you wanted.

Nash stills, but he doesn’t speak. He remains silent, waiting for you.

For a minute you don’t say anything. For a whole minute, memories of that time resurface and you feel your hands shaking only for Nash to hold them. He raises your hands and kisses your knuckles, his gaze unfocused, yet still focused on your hands instead. A small smile spreads across your lips and you wonder to yourself just how did you get so lucky to get him. You know of his past flings and of his bad boy persona he used to have—still has. Yet whenever he’s with you, he’s gentle like he’s afraid you’d break even more.

“You know I’m not in a good relationship with my family, right?” you ask and Nash nods, his eyes focusing on you. “I’ve never been completely happy when I lived at that place. We always argued, constantly, every day about anything.” You scoff, remembering those days like they happened not too long ago. “The days we didn’t argue? Felt like a holiday.” You laugh, shaking your head and you look at Nessie, smiling softly. “I dreaded the place so…much.” Your voice shakes and Nash grips your hands just a bit tighter.

“Are those scars from that time?” Nash’s voice is quiet.

“Mm,” you nod, glancing at your thigh. “Scissors…” you murmur in a whisper. “It’s always been scissors. I thought of sharper objects, but then I’d be found out. I didn’t want that. No one knew after all. The only time I finally did snap and tell mom it was after coming from doctor’s appointment. She prescribed me pills and honestly I wonder if I truly were depressed, you know?” you look at Nash with a small smile. “Maybe I just wanted my family to notice me, notice that I’m not okay and mom did treat me better after that. Ha…” you laugh. “It didn’t last long, that’s for damn sure.”

“Then she just…forgot I guess.” You continue. “She started to treat me the same as before. Constantly reminding me who’s paying the bills, how I never do anything around home, how she has to do everything alone. I didn’t have any will, any motivation for anything. I was falling apart and all she saw in me was a lazy child that was conceived as a mistake. A child she never wanted.”

Nash doesn’t hesitate to cup your face, making you face him. His gaze is harsh, almost a glare. “You’re not a mistake.” He grits out, his thumbs caressing your cheeks. “You were never a mistake.”

Reaching up, you cover his hands and close your eyes. “I know…” you whisper. “But as someone, who’s always been there to tend to her when she fell or was hurt only to not be appreciated and never told ‘you did well, I’m proud of you’, it takes a toll on you, y-you know?” you choke on your words. “I felt l-like a stranger in my own family. Always an extra. Which was why when I had my first breakdown I w-was scared. I was terrified, because a sudden thought c-came and I realized I wasn’t okay. I’ve never been okay. I’ve always l-laughed and smiled at people, pretending I’m okay, pretending I’m some goody-two-shoes only for this façade to fall the moment I re-reached home. I was exhausted. My head hurt from slamming it on the counter and wall. I-I pulled on my hair and that’s all I remember. I might have screamed too and maybe it showed on my face because when mom and her friend came home they stared at me like something-something was wrong.”

Nash wraps his arms around you and pulls you towards him, engulfing you in a tight hug. “I’m sorry…” he whispers.

“What for?” you mumble, your head leaning against his chest. You could hear his heart, beating just a bit faster than usual. “I never told them I’m looking for a place to move away and job across the states, the world. When I found the job and place I asked my friends to move things, not my family. I had some money already saved, so I was saved for the rent for a couple of months until the first pay.” You bite your lower lip, watching Nessie rubbing against Nash’s arm before she squeezes between the two of you. “I told them one day before I left. Of course we argued.” You laugh and sigh a moment later. “Apparently I’ve been the most ungrateful child they ever knew though all I ever did was try to live up to their standards. But once I moved here into LA, all I did was send them a letter. I didn’t call them. I didn’t message them. I wrote a letter and sent it. It was hard in the beginning. Even to the point of feeling like giving up and going back home tail between my legs. But I didn’t. And then I met you …” you pull away and look at Nash, who smiles.

“It was kinda lame, that first meeting, wasn’t it?” he asks, teasing.

You laugh loudly. “Well, I’ve had worse encounters. Yours was actually…interesting.”

“Was it now?” he raises an eyebrow. “I guess I should’ve thanked that basketball that landed on your head.”

You smack him on the chest, rolling with your eyes. “Well, I’m sure if I hadn’t burst into tears because everything was piling on me and stressing me out, I doubt we’d have come this far.”

“Oh, you did cry. I remember.” He’s teasing you and you know it, but you still can’t help the heat of embarrassment that rushes through you. “Sorry, I just can’t help myself,” he chuckles and pulls you into another embrace. “I’m actually happy that accident happened. Silver teased me for that every time he remembered while Nick had never looked more disappointed at me than in those six months.”

“Six months?” you repeat and laugh when he nods.

“When he saw you crying and me not even trying to apologize, I could see it in his eyes that he lost even that small respect he had for me.” He admits, his cheeks turning pink. “I’ve never been more confused than in that moment. With how he approached you after I apologized it looked like he knew you.”

“We had met a couple of times before.” You admit. “Only on the street or in stores. He always greeted me with a raised hand or just smiled, which terrified me if I’m honest. I thought I was suddenly his new target he wanted to get money from.”

Nash laughs at your reason, making you grin. “Ho, I can totally use that for when he gets ahead of himself.” He says more to himself and you shake your head.

“I’m really happy you’re here.” You say so suddenly that Nash stills. “Honestly? I always wondered when you'd dump me because you would grow bored of me.” You try to laugh, but you don’t succeed and you wince internally as you add in a whisper; “I still am.”

“I would never…” he says quietly and kisses the crown of your head. “It pains me when you suffer alone, so when you feel like the whole world is against you, come to me. In that moment I’ll be your shield, your protector. You’re not alone, [Name]. You have me.”

And with those words, you could breathe just a bit better, freer.

[wordsfromthesol]

You’re a what...(3/4)

Author: @wordsfromthesol Taglist: @zalladane @ghost-brocolli​ Pairing: Dick Grayson x Reader Summary: Your life is turned upside down when you suddenly land in Gotham. Thankfully Dick is nearby and knows way more than he lets on. Warnings: Language, violence Word Count: 2.1k

Part One   Part Two   Part Four

You thought Dick was just dropping you off with Diana, you had no idea that he was coming with you. That was until Dick motioned for you to follow him. You watched as an old grandfather clock moved away to reveal a dark staircase.

“Are you trying to murder me?”

“Oh, just come on. I have a surprise for you.”

“Who even has a secret lair in their house?” You questioned as you descended the staircase. The concept of vigilantes was known to you, but you didn’t dwell on it. Humans did unexplainable things all the time.

Dick led you over to a case, with a costume in it. He threw his arms up, as if to reveal some great treasure. “I had it made for you. Some armor, some gadgets, lightning proof. It may help you in this supposed fight.”

“You make superhero costumes?”

“Well…I didn’t make it. But I know a guy. He, uhm, made mine.” Dick ran his hand through his hair.

“You’re one of those nutcases that runs around the city! Oh man, it all makes sense now. Tell me, I’ve looked down on so many of you…but I could never figure out why they…you…do it.”

Dick just shrugged, “It was a way to cope. And then I realized I could help people, help people who couldn’t help themselves. I could save people.”

“I guess the gods aren’t known for their charity work. The concept has always baffled me.”

“You mean you’ve never seen someone in danger and just wanted to help them?”

“Not much I could do from up there. Guess I just became desensitized to it. Humans are all sorts of fucked.”

“Yeah, well now you’re a part of the club.”

“Joy,” you said accompanied with a dramatic eyeroll, “So where’s Diana?”

“Her and Bruce should be here any minute. Let’s suit up.”

“Let’s?! I’m sorry. What? You’re not coming.”

“Well I’m not letting you do this alone.”

“I won’t be alone, Diana will be there.”

“But you don’t know Diana or trust her. So now I’m going.”

“You can’t just GO to Tartarus!”

Just as Dick was about to refute your statement, Diana and Bruce waltzed in, clad in their costumes. “What, you two change your minds? Come on, get dressed!” Diana urged you along, ignoring the intensity of the situation she just interrupted. As the two of you stalked away, she turned to Bruce, “You should have told her.”

“Why? So she could throw a fit about Dick going? Then just try to go on her own, so none of us went along? I recognized the type. This way was better.”

“And you still want to go? Have you forgotten that few mortal men get back out of Tartarus?”

“I trust you to get me out…and I trust her to get Dick out.”

**

There it lay in front of you. The entrance to Tartarus. The beginning of your journey. The answers to your growing list of questions.

“I sent Hermes ahead. Persephone should be expecting us, though it will still be no picnic getting to her. Lost and tortured souls will be swarming around us until we get to the ferryman. Don’t worry, they cannot hurt you…physically.”

“I didn’t even think about that…” you mumbled, thinking no one heard you until Dick grasped your hand and gave it a light squeeze before the two of you trailed behind Diana and Bruce.

No one had a mental breakdown on the way, so things were looking in your favor as you approached a large chamber room. Guess the gods don’t like change. You chuckled to yourself as you noticed the similarities to the Olympus architecture. Both Persephone and Hades emerged from a nearby door.

“Y/N! I was wondering when you would find your way here!” Persephone exclaimed in delight.

“Well, you were my first guess as to how I was transported out of Olympus. Really good timing to, dad was berating me with marriage again.”

“Honestly, I don’t know why my brother thinks marriage will solve all your problems. It’s not like he treats his own with any respect.” Hades eyed both the Amazon and you, as the evidence was right in front of him.

You really didn’t want to talk about this in front of…well any of your compatriots, but you had no other option. “Uncle…the world won’t be thrown out of balance if I chose not to marry…right?”

“Is THAT what that asshole told you? Pft, he acts so all-knowing. Y/N/N, honestly, I don’t know. But that’s because no one knows! We are stumbling around in this universe as much as them.” He gestures towards the mortals in his presence. “You can’t base your decision on anything he says. Zeus just wants to keep you in Olympus. There are…repercussions…for staying on earth.”

“Oh don’t sound so dramatic, dear. The ‘repercussions’ are you won’t be immortal. You’ll age similarly to the half-Amazon you brought with you, oh and your powers will not be as great. As you have probably noticed…your dad just doesn’t want to be stuck alone with Hera forever.” She could barely choke out the last sentence as her words were laced with laughter.

“Well, I wouldn’t either. She has made my one thousand two hundred and six years up there miserable.” You let out a fake laugh, as if the torture meant nothing. “So, you did pull me out then?”

“I did. But it was at the request of your mother. She hated that you were brought to Olympus in the first place. She wanted a human life for you.”

“But…why now?”

“Well, souls get lost here. Maybe something, or someone,” she eyed her husband, “reminded her of you.”

“Can I…uhm…can I see her?”

“Afraid not, my sweet niece. Inside these chambers, you are safe, outside your mind can become easily corrupted and twisted.” Hades went over to embrace you. “Oh I have missed you. And it seems our visits will become more infrequent.” He watched as your face twisted, processing all the new information.

You were always closest with Hades, even though you lived at separate ends, he always seemed more like a father than Zeus. “Uncle, I just…you are so willing to let me live my life. To try and be happy. Why can my father not do the same?”

“Because your father is what he’s always been. Selfish, childish, and power-hungry.”

At this point you had nearly forgotten you were in the company of others, telling your uncle all the secrets and experiences you had had over the past few weeks. It was inevitable, after you let out the good memories, you knew it was time for the bad. You needed more answers.

“He’s been in my dreams…” The room instantly grew warmer, and your three companions exchanged worried glances. Dick went as far as to slide next to you and take your hand in his. The small comfort allowed you to continue. “Uncle, Hypnos hates my father. Why would he let him into my mind?” You shook your head and forced back tears as the memories resurfaced. “He showed me horrible things. He made me fell horrible…the most pain I’ve ever felt…it was all so real.”

“Hypnos is in my domain! How did my brother get passed me?!” Hades temper had surfaced, yelling for answers where he would receive none. The room was silent as he came down to a simmer. “Persephone, check all the entrances, place more hell hounds at the gates, do whatever it takes. We are going to see Hypnos.” He turned and finally noticed your fingers interlaced with the mortals. “You two come with me. Amazon, mortal, stay here.”

“Uncle, he really doesn’t need to come.”

At this, Hades anger relinquished, and a knowing smirk now graced his lips. “For some reason, I think he does.”

**

The three of you entered a small chamber, where a stout figure sat clad in an array of glittering jewels.

“Oh! Visitors! Well I haven’t had visitors…well, it’s been a very long time!”

“Hypnos, I think you know why we are here.” Hades pointed towards you.

“I was wondering how long it would take.” Hypnos stood, playing with their fingers, not daring to look you in the face. They remembered the dreams that Zeus had been plaguing you with. “I…er…he.”

“It was your children, wasn’t it?” You asked solemnly, finally realizing the only thing Zeus could hold over them.

“I didn’t…and those things…what you felt…saw. I’m sorry.”

“Was there any truth to it?” You looked up towards Dick.

“Truth? It came from Zeus’ twisted mind. He only wants you to suffer.” Hypnos glanced down at your hand, now clasped with Dick’s, “Though angering the gods, when you have a loved one to lose, is never wise.” You untangled your fingers from his at Hypnos’ words.

“Is there anything we…I can do to stop him from invading my mind?”

“Well, for now, I can make it so you won’t remember the dreams. But you will still feel them, in the moment.”

You waved off the idea, “No. That won’t work. Guess I’ll just have to go to the source directly.”

“Y/N…if I may…bring Zeus to earth. He will be more vulnerable. Especially if you can convince Poseidon to either join you, or to stay on the sidelines.”

“Hypnos, has my dear brother come to you each night? Has he entered MY realm each night?”

“He does.”

“If he does not come, do not plague my niece with dreams.”

“Of course not,” as the three of you began to leave Hypnos chirped after you, “He was quite angry when you went three nights without sleep!”

Good.

**

You met up with Diana and Bruce, but as you began to call the ferryman, Hades pulled you aside.

“My dear niece, do not let what Hypnos said deter you from love. I know without my dear Persephone, I would not have been able to endure half of tribulations that have come my way. Yes, it gives you a weakness to be exploited, but it allows you to exploit it as well. To be willing to do anything and everything to hold it close…Your father does not know this. He does not know true love.”

You nodded, but it was clear your mind did not comprehend the levity of his words just yet. All you could see was Dick’s lifeless body in your arms. Walking back over to the group, Persephone called the ferryman, and turned towards you, whispering.

“I did not place you on that pier by accident, Y/N.”

**

Everyone made it back to Themyscria, and then the Batcave without any hitches, much to your surprise. Mortals were not just allowed to enter Tartarus alive and leave alive. You noticed the confused look on Diana’s face as well. You turned towards her.

“That was weird, right?”

“Which part?”

“Well Bruce and Dick just being allowed to leave...”

“Oh yes, that was…unexpected.”

“What else did you think was weird?” At this point, you were even more confused. What happened while you were with Hypnos? Before Diana could answer, Dick’s bewilderment overtook him.

“I’m sorry, Hades is nice? Like he was acting…well like a father? To you? He didn’t try to kill us? I’ve been lied to!”

You chuckled, “Stop going off of Hercules, Hades is not ‘evil’. He has been more like a father to me than my own. He didn’t choose to rule the Underworld and he didn’t choose to be cast out by the rest of the gods.” You finally understood Diana’s confusion as well. The Amazons were told stories from Zeus. They never truly knew either. Hell, you were born way after the fact, the only reason you knew is because children ask too many questions. And it just so happened to be to Hades, one of the few times he came to Olympus.

“Though a history lesson would be riveting, we need a plan.” You could always count on Bruce to keep things on track.

“Well, step one is to get my dear old dad here on earth.”

“Any idea how?” Dick looked at you with a worried expression. He knew this would not bode well for you.

“I think I can persuade him. I’ll summon Hermes when we have an actual plan. I also prefer sooner than later, since we couldn’t get the dream thing worked out. Who knows if my uncle can actually keep Zeus from the Underworld.”

“Are we trying to kill Zeus? I’m afraid that would not bode well for humanity.” Diana chimed in.

“No,” you blatantly stated, trying not only to convince everyone else in the room, but also yourself. “Unfortunately, we can’t kill my father.”

[tsarisfanfiction]

Grounded pt1

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Family Characters: Scott, Virgil, Gordon, John

Re-watched Buried Treasure and Venom and this little muse dug its claws in - Scott took a bit of a beating in the former, and then doesn’t pilot TB1 or even the pod even though speed is of the essence in the latter.  This isn’t finished - don’t know if the eventual thing will be a oneshot or multichap on AO3/FFN - or even proof read because it’s midnight and I’ll get yelled at if I don’t go to bed now, but muse wouldn’t shut up, so here’s 4k words of whatever this is gonna end up being.  Title is also still a wip.

It was an exhausted Scott Tracy that dragged himself into his shower at the end of what had been a day he honestly wished had never happened.  A trip into a trash mine had never been on his bucket list – and even if he’d known about the things before today, it still wouldn’t have featured on his bucket list – and after the chaos that had ensued, he would be delighted if he never had to enter one again.  Somewhere in the big brother part of his mind labelled Gordon was a mental note to make sure his second youngest brother never went in one again, either. While Scott was all for his brothers making friends, he had concerns about his budding acquaintance with the woman known only as Scraps.

He wasn’t entirely sure Gordon had told the truth when he said he’d never gone scavenging himself, and he certainly wasn’t sure Gordon wouldn’t if the opportunity presented itself. After the hydrofoil, the blond had gained a ‘if today was my last day’ attitude and refused to let new experiences pass him by; it was understandable, but more than a little stressful for Scott at times.

The mission had been a success, but it hadn’t felt like it when both his accompanying brothers were stewing in angry silence over the comms on the way back, Scraps (encouraged by Gordon) had insisted he fork out the quite frankly ludicrous price of the stretchy toy, and the owners of the site were breathing down his neck about destruction of their property.  Apparently they didn’t care that it was Scraps who had damaged their WRM when IR had wrecked their park and were well known to be the Tracy family – that is, known to be filthy rich.  It had been a very expensive day for both him personally and the family at large, and just to compound it all he’d come home to the news that while the Mechanic was now willingly working on the engine, the price of that had been the Hood finding out about their plans.

Brains’ furious lecture about the mole pod had just been the icing on the cake.  Scott had tried to save it and nearly got himself munched by the mechanical monster in the process, but apparently trying wasn’t good enough.  He understood – he did.  Every time Brains had to build them a new pod so they could keep functioning at full capacity was another delay on the T-Drive engine.  It was just one more thing he didn’t need in a day where the only highlight was the fact that at least their rescue hadn’t failed where it counted – Scraps was alive, and being treated for shock and a fractured rib at her local hospital.

Speaking of ribs…

Four long, gruelling hours after the rescue finished, Scott finally had the chance to peel his dirty, mud-splattered uniform away from his aching body and assess the physical damage he’d sustained.  His suit was reinforced and designed to protect him, but it had its limits, and Scraps’ shrill scream to stop forcing Gordon to make an emergency stop – just for the sake of a damned toy – had slammed his torso into the rigid exoskeleton of the dragonfly pod.

Just because their pods couldn’t stand up to a WRM didn’t mean they weren’t solidly built.  Very solidly built.  Scott had felt a sadly all-too familiar sensation of at least one rib breaking at the contact, but with their lives still decidedly in peril hadn’t had the chance to do anything about it.  Their frantic flight for the surface, where he had nothing but his uniform and what shelter he could glean from the front of the pod to protect him from their forceful resurfacing, hadn’t done him any favours either.

It spoke volumes that both his brothers were so annoyed with him – one of them for reasons outside of his control, which was very unlike Virgil – that neither of them had noticed how stiffly he’d been standing.  They hadn’t even glanced at him twice despite knowing that he’d been on the outside of a pod travelling at high speeds through a tunnel, and while there was always a part of Scott who hated to worry his brothers and hid injuries he found himself wrong-footed at the fact he’d got away with it.

The painkillers he’d popped the moment he was back in One, out of sight, had done their job to get him home, but after four hours they were wearing off, pain stabbing its way through his chest.  He should go to the infirmary, get a scan to see how bad it was and maybe even reluctantly tell someone, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that.  Virgil might be in a bad mood with him, but he’d instantly feel guilty for not noticing, and Grandma would not go easy on her favourite grandson for neglecting something as basic as a health check after a dangerous manoeuvre, no matter how annoyed he’d been with the person in question.

He had a stock of painkillers in his ensuite, like they all did, for minor things like bumps and bruises. They weren’t supposed to be used in relation to any unreported injuries, but Scott had already decided he couldn’t report it, and besides, he was the commander.  He could bend a few rules – it wasn’t his first rodeo with broken ribs, anyway.  He knew how to treat them.  Painkillers, ice if he could get some without causing suspicion, and rest when he could snatch it.

This was a case of snatching some rest – it was dinner soon, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’d skipped Grandma’s cooking and it wouldn’t be the last.  It wouldn’t raise any eyebrows if he wasn’t there; he doubted his brothers would be if they could escape.

Looking in the bathroom mirror, it was clear straight away that he’d taken quite a hit.  Mottled bruising decorated his torso and shoulders – the first from the collision with the pod, the second from breaking through the surface.  Tentative probing with his fingers told him what he already knew as his chest flinched away from the touch with a spike of pain.  At least one broken rib.

He’d sneak some ice from the freezer once everyone else was in bed, but for the time being he had a long overdue date with his shower and popped a fresh dose of painkillers before easing himself under the water.  Ideally, Scott wanted a hot one, but the broken rib meant he kept it cool in an attempt to soothe the swelling.  Brown water swirled around his feet, finally washing away the dirt he’d acquired in the trash mine, and he let himself relax as the painkillers kicked in.

The mission finally felt like it was over.  He couldn’t say the day was over, because he still had the never-ending pile of reports for both the GDF and Tracy Industries to write up and there was never any telling when the next emergency call would come in, but no more trash mine, no more furious gardeners or landowners.

Just Scott and-

“Scott, sorry to interrupt your shower but there’s another situation.”  John appeared suddenly and Scott jumped, muffling a curse as his ribs informed him that painkillers or not, that was not appreciated.  He sighed instead.

“F.A.B.”  He rubbed his face tiredly, beyond glad their bathroom cameras didn’t transmit anything below the neck so his decorative torso was hidden from his ever-attentive brother… who had apparently also missed that he’d been slammed hard into the pod.  “I’ll be in the lounge in two.”  He wanted to say five, but it normally only took two minutes and longer would make John suspicious.

“See you there.”  John vanished and he let out another breath, turning off the water.  Strictly speaking, he shouldn’t fly with a broken rib, or go on a rescue at all, but as long as he took it easy it would be fine.

Two minutes later found him in the lounge, apparently the last one there.  Virgil and Gordon didn’t acknowledge his arrival and he tried not to let it sting.  They’d work with him on the rescue – it wasn’t the first time they’d gone on a rescue mid-row, and no doubt wouldn’t be the last.  The perils of living and working full time with siblings.  Alan, at least, gave him a big grin and he returned it as best he could before turning to John, who was hovering impatiently in the middle of the room.  He was always impatient when they weren’t all immediately available; Scott didn’t take it personally.

“Good, you’re here,” John acknowledged.  “We’ve got a collapsed mineshaft with a worker trapped inside in Cornwall, England.  His colleagues all got out okay but they don’t have the gear to get him out without risking a bigger collapse.”

“F.A.B., John,” Scott replied.  “I’ll go on ahead in Thunderbird One.  Virgil, Gordon, follow me in Thunderbird Two.”  Another underground rescue, and another mole pod needed.  Typical.  Still, if it was really only simple, he wouldn’t be needed for more than co-ordination. He could handle that.  “Virgil, have you had the chance to replace the lost gear from the trash mine?”

“All replaced,” Virgil confirmed, heading for his launch chute.  “We’re out of spares now, though, so we’d better not lose this one.”  Scott winced – that wasn’t good.

“I’ll bear that in mind,” he said, reaching up towards his lamps and pulling them down towards his chest as always, glad that the painkillers had more or less kicked in so the movement didn’t make his ribs flare up in pain.  The last thing he saw before being whisked around into his chute was Alan, looking somewhat dejected at being left behind, again.

They’d barely needed Gordon for the mission – if Scott was at full health he would have entertained leaving him behind – so there was no reason to bring Alan.  Still, there was a scolding voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Grandma telling him he should have let Alan take Thunderbird One and take a rest himself.

If Thunderbird Three was needed while they were gone, Alan would be fit to pilot, he argued back.  Thunderbird One would be tough, but he conceded that there was no way he could launch into space with at least one broken rib.  The voice quietened but he knew it wasn’t pacified.

The painkillers diluted but didn’t entirely quash the pain of suiting up, but with no-one around to see he could gasp without fear of being caught, and soon he was scrambling into his pilot seat – still muddy; cleaning his ‘bird had been next on the priority list after the shower, because apparently his brothers had decided not to help him out on that front.

If suiting up was bad, launching was worse.  He’d anticipated that, throwing his comms onto mute – John knew better than to interrupt during the launch sequence unless it was truly urgent so there shouldn’t be anyone to see him – as he gasped for breath against the stinging of his chest. Full speed was out of the question, but as it was a rescue they already knew what they’d need, he didn’t have to get there much before Thunderbird Two, so he settled for an almost bearable Mach 10 and flicked his comms back on, hoping John wouldn’t ask questions.

Presumably John had reached the same conclusion as him, as his decision of half max speed wasn’t commented on when his brother made contact a few minutes later to continue the debrief with additional information coming in from the danger zone.

It was a textbook rescue, a fact Scott was incredibly glad for as he let Virgil take the mole pod down, followed by Gordon with stabilising foam to stop the mine collapsing any further.  In and out, no complications, no injuries.  The trapped worker emerged from the pod shaken but otherwise fine and Scott watched Virgil check him over thoroughly to be safe as he and Gordon secured both intact pods back inside the module, where they belonged.

“I’ll see you back at base,” he told his brothers as he headed back to his ‘bird.  Gordon gave him a crisp nod while Virgil gave no indication that he’d heard – as he was still checking the rescuee over, Scott hadn’t expected one. Gordon’s reaction told him everything he needed to know – the attitude was still professional-only.  He wasn’t yet forgiven for whatever transgression it was Gordon was mad at him about.  It was nearing midnight at home, though; they were all tired and Scott fully expected it to all blow over by morning, once they’d had some sleep.

The site supervisor was waiting for him as he approached.

“Just wanted to say thank you again,” the woman said, sticking out her hand.  He took it and hid a wince at her particularly vigorous shake.  It was too soon for more painkillers, but this particular dose was wearing off already; the flight home was not going to be fun.

“Just doing our job,” he returned, polite smile on his face, and carefully retracted his hand.  She let him.

“Your job’s an impressive one,” she winked at him, before her gaze wandered slightly.  Scott wanted to groan – he knew that look, and normally he’d play along, maybe even see if he could score if he was feeling particularly lucky, but he was physically tired, emotionally drained, and in pain. No flirting for him today.

He just nodded at her, smile slightly more genuine because regardless of the situation it always gave him a bit of a boost when he got attention of that sort – not that he’d dare admit that to his brothers, or they’d never let him forget it – and she laughed.

“I’d say another time, but I’d hope we don’t need your assistance again,” she grinned, and before Scott realised it was coming, there was a playful elbow in his ribs.  Nothing hard, not even something he’d normally react to, but his ribs screamed and he gasped, instinctively doubling over before forcing himself straight again.

He fervently hoped his brothers hadn’t noticed, but didn’t dare glance around to check.

“Oh, I’m so-”

“You’re right, hopefully you won’t need us again.”  He overrode her apology, sent her another small grin, and got himself back inside the safety of his ‘bird as quickly as he could without seeming like he was running away. His ribs burned and he eyed the first aid cabinet, sorely tempted, but squashed the impulse.  Piloting in pain wasn’t advisable, but piloting overdosed on medication was potentially fatal.  Taking a moment to settle, he opened up a link to Thunderbird Five.

“I’m returning to base now,” he informed his brother.  “Rescue complete; Virgil and Gordon are finishing up with the worker, but they’ve got it all in hand and I’ve got a shower to finish.”

“F.A.B.,” John acknowledged, a small grin on his face at Scott’s mention of a shower.  “I’ll see if I can get the world to wait on getting itself into any more trouble until you’re done, big brother.”

“That would be nice,” Scott grinned, settling back in his chair more comfortably and ignoring his ribs. They both knew John couldn’t control that, especially not with the Hood and his Chaos Crew running around, but sometimes it was nice to pretend.  “Thunderbird One out.”

He muted his comms again – against protocol, but he doubted Virgil or Gordon would be calling him up for a chat given the way they were cold-shouldering him and he’d already addressed John – before taking off.  VTOL launches were far gentler with the G-forces, but unlike earlier, he wasn’t riding high on the full effect of the painkillers, so it hurt worse as he accelerated.

Mach 8 would be plenty to get him home, he decided, unwilling to risk anything faster than necessary, and once he was cruising he unmuted his comms, confident he wouldn’t have missed anything.

“-ott.  Scott.  Thunderbird One are you listening to me?”

Virgil sounded furious. That didn’t bode well.

“Reading you loud and clear, Thunderbird Two,” he replied.  “What’s happened?”  He reached out in preparation of turning his ‘bird’s nose back the way he’d come.

“What’s happened, he asks,” Virgil steamed, hologram materialising.  He was standing firmly upright, arms crossed and one hand tapping on his arm.  “The site supervisor wanted to know why you’re working with a rib injury.”

Dammit.

“Virgil-” he started, not quite sure how he was going to deflect the accusation.  His brother didn’t give him a chance.

“Don’t Virgil me,” he snapped.  “Get back here so I can see why she thinks you’re injured.”

“It’s fine,” Scott lied. “Nothing serious.  I’ll see you back at base.”  He cut the call, which in immediate hindsight was stupid decision, but to his surprise, Virgil didn’t immediately call back.  Still, he switched his comms back to mute and eyed his speed.  If he wanted to get back before Thunderbird Two, Mach 8 would be enough, but if Virgil pushed his ‘bird, it wouldn’t leave him with much time to grab a shower and smuggle some ice.  Gritting his teeth, he pushed her up to Mach 10, swallowing the grunt of pain from the additional pressure.

Almost immediately, Thunderbird One started to slow.

“Hey!” he yelped.  The absolute last thing he needed was his ‘bird crashing.  It might give him enough injuries to hide the fact his ribs were already broken, but wrecking his ‘bird was not worth avoiding a lecture.  He tried to correct it, but her controls jammed under his hands. “Oh you’re kidding me,” he groaned, preparing himself to stand up and get to the reset.  What had even happened?  She hadn’t been damaged since the Icarus, and Brains and Virgil had both sworn through and through that she was fully functional again.  There was no reason for-

His holographic display lit up with the icon for Thunderbird Five.

Ah.  Dammit.  Virgil had got John on his case.

Reluctantly, he unmuted his comm and immediately got blasted with three brothers all yelling at him. The temptation was there to simply mute them again, but instead he sighed and leaned back in his chair, waiting for them to stop.

“-t mute your comms ever-”

“-swer us you-”

“-re you an idiot-”

They didn’t, but their voices were getting more and more frantic, and he realised they were starting to panic at his lack of a response.  He groaned.

“You don’t need to shout, I can hear you just fine,” he told them.  “John, what are you doing with Thunderbird One?”

“Landing,” his brother said abruptly.  “You’re just coming up over the Sahara so I’m putting you down there.  Thunderbird Two is en route.”

“This really isn’t necessary,” Scott complained. “Can’t we deal with this at home?”

“You mean in another two hours, providing we don’t get another callout or distraction so you can slip away again?” Virgil asked dryly.  “No, we’re doing this now, and if I find anything worse than a minor bruise you’re finishing the trip home in Thunderbird Two’s medbay.”

Scott groaned, having absolutely no desire to be subjected to that.  “Seriously, guys, I’m fine.”  Thunderbird One’s VTOLs fired as her speed dropped, and he felt her land.  Looking out of the viewing window, he saw sand and more sand.  The Sahara, as John had promised.

“We’ll be the judge of that,” Gordon scowled.

“Thunderbird Two is five minutes out from your location,” Virgil informed him coolly.  “Stay where you are.”

Thunderbird Five’s insignia was still firmly ensconced in the holographic display, informing him that John had not retracted his override.  As much as he wanted to, there was no way he was going anywhere until his brothers had satisfied themselves.  He groaned again and eyed the medical cabinet once more.  It was still too soon to take another dose, but he knew there was no way any of them would be letting him pilot the rest of the way home anyway.

The relief from pain would not be worth the lecture from Virgil and then Grandma.  Reluctantly he turned away from it and closed his eyes, listening out for the engines of Thunderbird Two.  His brothers kept the channel open, talking to each other and occasionally shooting a question his way – presumably to make sure he hadn’t passed out on them – which he answered reluctantly.

True to Virgil’s words, five minutes after John had landed his ‘bird there came the sound of Thunderbird Two’s VTOL overhead, and he jabbed at his seat controls to leave his ‘bird, seeing no point in sitting and waiting for them to descend on him when he’d be dragged into Thunderbird Two anyway.  Some battles weren’t worth fighting.

“Scott!”  Virgil strode across the short distance between the two ‘birds, grabbing his arm as soon as he was in reach as though he thought he’d flee if given the chance.  With John still controlling his ‘bird, Scott thought the gesture unnecessary.  “You absolute idiot.  Thunderbird Two, now.”  The hand gripping his bicep didn’t give him much of a choice, forcibly guiding him towards the lowered hatch.

Gordon was waiting in the cockpit, arms crossed and eyes like fire.  Beside him, the cockpit’s stretcher had been lowered.

“Sit,” Virgil snapped, dragging him over to it.  Scott obeyed reluctantly, and scowled at the medical scanner immediately deployed.  It didn’t take long to flag up amber along his various bruises, and red at his ribs.  He didn’t hear what Virgil ground out under his breath, but he was fairly certain it wasn’t language he’d use in front of their grandmother.  “John, take One home.  Scott’s piloting nowhere.”

“F.A.B.”  Scott knew his brother well enough to hear the anger in those three letters.  His ‘bird’s VTOL roared to life and he watched her take to the sky through the cockpit windows.

“When did this happen, Scott?” Virgil demanded, setting the scanner to one side and tugging at his zip. Scott batted his hand away, taking over. He still had enough pride to not be undressed by his brother.  Two sets of brown eyes narrowed dangerously as the bruising became visible.

Caught, there was nothing to be gained by lying.  “Last mission, when the pod stopped suddenly.”  A flash of guilt swept across Gordon’s face.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” the aquanaut demanded.  He shrugged, then winced when his body reminded him that the painkillers were all but worn off.

“Didn’t exactly get the chance,” he said.  “Couldn’t do anything about it at the time because we were trying not to become WRM food, then there was the thing with the Mechanic and the Hood, and the landowner wanted compensation for the damaged WRM and park, and-”

“And most of that could have waited for you to get checked over,” Virgil interrupted, a gentle hand lightly touching his bruised torso.  Scott’s body flinched away from the contact unbidden.  “Why the hell did you come out to Cornwall?  Gordon and I could have handled it by ourselves.”

“It was a rescue,” Scott protested.

“Which you’re now grounded from for six weeks, minimum,” Virgil growled.  “Lie down.  What have you taken for the pain?”

He didn’t get a chance to protest before both brothers were carefully but firmly pushing him down onto the stretcher.

“Two Tylenol when I left the trash mine seven hours ago,” he admitted.  “Two more just before this mission, three hours ago.”  Virgil frowned.

“You’ll have to bear with it until we get home,” he said.  “Once the Tylenol’s out of your system, I’ll give you something stronger.”  Scott scowled.  “Gordon, get some ice on his ribs.  Scott, stay still.”  Virgil had the gall to strap him down, avoiding putting pressure on his ribs.  “We’ll be talking about this when we get home.”

It was a promise, but just before he turned away to head to his seat, Scott saw the one thing he’d hoped he’d be able to avoid: guilt.  Virgil was well aware he’d missed the signs because of his flare-up about the topiary, and wouldn’t be forgiving himself for it any time soon.

“Virg-” he started, only to interrupt himself with a hiss as a cool sensation spread across his chest. He closed his eyes briefly, before opening them to find Gordon stood next to him, ice pack in hand.

“Not right now, bro,” the blond said quietly, and the same guilty pain was in his eyes.  “Give him time.”

“Gord-”

“And me,” Gordon interrupted him.  “Just… not yet, okay?  Wait ‘til we’re home and you’re all smothered better in the infirmary.”

Scott didn’t like it, but he understood it – they’d find it easier to deal with once they knew he really was okay.  Broken ribs sucked, but in the grand scheme of injuries, they were relatively minor.  The real fear his brothers carried was what if it had been worse – a punctured lung, for example.

In answer, he pulled a face, showing exactly what he thought of being ‘smothered better’ as Thunderbird Two roared to life beneath him.  A small grin tugged at the corner of Gordon’s mouth and he considered that progress, settling back comfortably as his brother’s ‘bird carried him home.

next...

[feynavaley]

Headcanon: America is some sort of Instagram celebrity.

It happens almost by mistake. He’s not the only personification with an Instagram account – however, unlike most of the others, he sets it as public. And, since Alfred is a handsome and extroverted 19-year-old who posts a lot of pictures and videos (goofy selfies, snaps of mundane and relatable moments, outdoor activities, places he’s visiting...) he quickly gains followers.

Along with his growing fame, the ‘mystery’ surrounding his identity develops as well. The thing is that, in spite of being extremely extroverted and bubbly and posting many daily anecdotes, America doesn’t actually reveal much personal info. This only makes the interest bloom. He’s known as ‘Al Jones’ (and his handle is ‘alamericajones’), there are many speculations on what his full name is. Ironically, Alfred is very low on the list as it’s almost unheard of for a modern teenager. There are also different theories on where he lives as he posts from all over the United States. Some of the more accredited speculations are NYC, Washington DC, or Los Angeles, but nobody knows for sure and there are many others.

With time, people start noticing that pictures Al claims are taken at his own house don’t match, they clearly belong to different buildings. Somebody says he’s lying – a teen who isn’t even old enough to drink alcohol owning multiple apartments is ridiculous. Others suggest that he may come from a very rich family and the houses belong to his parents.

Al’s family is another puzzle, however. He never posts pictures with his parents or even mentions them, which is kind of odd, considering he overshares in many other departments. (Somebody says it might be to respect their privacy, but then again, it’s still weird that there isn’t even a single mention. Besides, Al doesn’t seem to worry too much about privacy when it comes to other people who are often featured on his account.) A frequent feature on Al’s Instagram is, instead, another teen-aged guy who looks a lot like him and Al calls his ‘little bro’ in the caption of their first picture he posted. The event causes an uproar, but the enthusiasm turns into disappointment as people realize that the brother’s profile is set as private. All they can see is his name, Matthew W. (The ‘W’ is universally assumed to be the first letter of his second name – the most accredited guess being ‘William’ – as his surname, logically, must be Jones.) What immediately jumps to the eye is Matthew’s handle, ‘matthew.canada’. People are ready to shrug it off as just an oddity until somebody notices that many pictures featuring Matthew are, indeed, taken in Canada; almost as if Matthew lived there. Al never gives an explanation. The first tentative guess is that Matthew is studying or working in Canada, but as time goes by, it becomes clearer and clearer that Matthew has a distinctly Canadian feel to him. In addition to his handle, he often has a stylized maple leaf somewhere on his clothes, Al says complains in some captions that ‘Mattie’ doesn’t feel the cold and mocks him in others for how he cannot handle the heat... Moreover, the few times Matthew comments under Al’s pictures, he uses the British spelling and Canadian idioms. He gives the impression of being somebody born and raised in Canada. However, the tentative guess that Al might have moved out for work is shot down as Al is, instead, undeniably American to the core. In the end, the most accredited theory is that one of their parents is American and the other Canadian. Al doesn’t comment, and any further attempt to get an insight on the matter is thwarted by the fact nobody can find a Matthew Jones matching the face in Al’s pictures.

Even odder is the second person Alfred refers to as his brother, a grumpy guy named Arthur who, instead, doesn’t look like Alfred at all. He appears less than Matthew, always scowling, and his pictures are often deleted not long later. He also frequently posts sarcastic comments under Al’s pictures, though. His profile is private as well, but his name is listed as ‘Arthur Kirkland’ and his profile picture shows the Big Ben. Not to mention, he undeniably uses BrE in his comments. People are confused. Alfred’s unhelpful answer, this time, is ‘my family’s complicated 🙂’ and he leaves it there. Some people claim Arthur is Alfred’s half-brother or step-brother, somebody even suggests Arthur isn’t related to Alfred at all but a person Alfred calls his ‘older brother’ in a metaphorical sense as he looks up to him. (Nobody knows that Alfred has to use all his self-control not to correct the assumption and accidentally reveal something, nor do they have any idea of the smug smile curving Arthur’s lips as he reads the comment and calls an intern to have it screenshotted. From time to time, he brings it up to tease Alfred.) Once again, however, nothing concrete can be found.

There is also the mystery of what Al’s job is. The option he’s attending university/college is soon discarded as Al never mentions studying but some comments allude to him having a job. From time to time, he complains about his boss being unreasonable. Al isn’t even just a blogger as, anytime he mentioned his job, he talked about paperwork (something like a selfie of him at the desk with a sad face and a caption that said ‘wasting this sunny day inside bc I’m buried in paperwork 😞😭’) or having a meeting. Al is oddly cryptic about the nature of these meetings, but it’s clear he often has to go abroad for them. There are also pictures of him with people he calls his coworkers or colleagues – all young people of different nationalities, none of which looks older than their mid-twenties. Nobody can figure out which job can entail something like that. When a person suggests they’re all international spies or agents, it’s laughed off as a joke. (The theory keeps resurfacing from time to time, though. It’s clearly not the truth, and at the same time, it’s the only one that could logically explain everything...)

But this isn’t where the oddities stop. Al is good-natured and goofy, but some of the pictures and stories he posts are... concerning. His parkour stunts hardly raise any eyebrow as he clearly knows what he’s doing, but other things... getting way too close to dangerous wild animals... hiking away from the trail and in bad weather condition... and once Al posts a picture showing a bandaged arm with the caption ‘Mattie’s bear didn’t want to cuddle with me 😟’. It would be taken as a joke, if it weren’t for the polar bear cub (with an oddly smug expression) in a corner of the photo. The uproar is so big – people calling Al stupid for getting close to a bear, saying he’s a bad role-model for celebrating this act of idiocy that didn’t end badly only thanks to his spectacular luck, people worried for a bear being kept in a house, people threatening to report Al and Matthew for animal abuse – that it ends up being deleted. The incident is fresh on many people’s minds, however. Al may always come out of his adventures unscathed, but they start making some people uncomfortable. The most charitable ones are worried about Alfred’s recklessness, others start saying that it’s all a hoax of a bored teen who wanted to be an online celebrity or even a social experiment. Either way, it’s all fake. The pictures are photoshopped (even if with incredible skills, as there’s no visible evidence of that), and he uses friends’ houses to pretend to be in different locations. Al proclaims himself innocent, he seems genuinely upset for not being believed. He doesn’t spend too much energy trying to clear his name, though.

After a bit, people are genuinely confused about what’s going on with Al. The theories – on his behaviour, on whether it’s fake or real, on which part is real and which part invented – keep multiplying and becoming wilder and wilder. And in all this, America doesn’t care. He finds all the speculations amusing (and, unlike other personifications, he isn’t concerned about them as nobody ever got close to the truth, he doesn’t think there’s any danger of his identity being exposed) – but what he truly enjoys is sharing his days with people who are genuinely interested. Even if it’s all virtual, it’s still a part of the human interactions he craves for so much.

[hollenka99]

A Deal Gone Wrong

Summary: Jackie’s betrayed the others for the sake of bringing Henrik home safely. The aftermath doesn’t go as he expected.

Warnings: Abuse, Anti generally being an asshole

Jackie looking into ways to get Anti's attention quickly delivers results. He is always watching, after all. It shouldn't have surprised him how easy it was to find himself in the demon's presence. It's been exactly 9 months since Henrik was taken. Jackie promised himself he wouldn't allow the doctor to stay captive for as long as he did. It was getting uncomfortably close now. Times were getting desperate. And well, he wholly agreed with what they said about occasions such as these. His reckless plan works. Jackie's too pleased about winning this victory, too relieved to be granted a few days of freedom before delivering on his side of the bargain. He turns a blind eye to how easy it is. At least he's smart enough to write the specifics on paper. Not like he expected Anti to whip out a pen and sign a 'contract'. If you could call it that. He assumes Anti's amusement was due to the ridiculousness of it. Still, anything to feel he has any sway on the glitch. If Anti says there'll be a swap, Jackie can only hope he keeps his word. Henrik comes home, as promised. The first hour or two following his return are the most eventful. Chase and Marvin can't hug their friend soon enough. Jackie bursts into tears against the doctor's chest. The ten days Anti had granted him disappear quicker than he'd like. There is less stress in the air. It doesn't feel like they are scrabbling for peace or normality quite as much. Marvin's plants are beginning to display an vast improvement in vitality. There is also the relief they have another (more competent) doctor assisting in Jack's care. Jackie is happy knowing he's played a part in bringing this about. It's not all great. Chase won't stop joking that they only need to wake Jack up so things can go back to how they were. He knows life will never revert back to summer 2016 standards. Chase didn't even exist until a year ago. Henrik keeps trying to inspect Jackie's injuries. What is he expecting to find? His legs are barely functional, the scars of the living autopsy are still there and Jackie doubts he's regained much weight, if at all. Sneaking in a visit to Jack's bedside only resurfaces the same feelings of guilt he's experienced this week. He's betraying their trust. For a good reason, he reminds himself. For a good reason. Now here they were, standing feet from each other once more. He's mulled over whether to leave a goodbye note. He decided against it. It would only cause them more heartache to know he went willingly. And Henrik, oh he'd have to live with the knowledge this was for him. Jackie doesn't want that. It's made worse by the prediction he won't be himself the next time they see him. He's made his choice. There's no backing out now. "Well, here I am. You upheld your end so... I guess I'll have to do the same." The demon greets him with a malicious smirk. "That's nice to hear. But you don't have what I want." "What are you talking about? You said you'd let Henrik come home if I gave myself up. We agreed on a swap, myself for Schneep." As if to prove his point, Jackie fishes out the note. He forcefully shows it to Anti. The demon inspects it before promptly ripping it until nothing remains but mere shreds. "You weren't listening. I never said I'd take you. You just assumed. Desperate to come back to me, puppet?" "I am not a puppet." "Aren't you? What are the five largest cities in Ireland?" "Dublin, Cork, Limerick, Galway, Waterford." Caught off guard, he deadpans the list without resistance. "Returning to me reminds you of..?" "The Temporary Discharge for Ill Health Act of 1913, better known as the Cat and Mouse Act." No, don't smile like that. Don't be proud of his ability to answer questions. It's only a few stray facts he can recite. He is Jackie. Remember that. He's not a puppet. Not yet. Maybe it will be easier to give in once he's back to that lightless room. He can fight for a week or two save face then- he's getting ahead of himself. But his corruption hasn't transpired quite yet. "Alright, I can spout random trivia. So what?" "What are the physiological symptoms of fear?" "Hyperventilation, increased heart rate, increased muscle tension, sweating, hyperglycemia and disruption to the digestive system, among others." Jackie lists the symptoms on his fingers. He knew this from his own experience. It had absolutely nothing to do with Biology lessons or the independent research he felt was necessary to complete. "Good. What should your resting heart rate be?" "I'm physically over the age of ten so... somewhere between 60 and 100 beats per minute." "Oh really? That's very interesting to know. I just counted 87." It's only now that Jackie gains awareness of Anti's fingers pressing slightly too harshly against the top of his neck. He flinches as he swats it away. "I told you to stop. And that's still in the range, you dick." "It's very unhealthy to have it so high. Tell me why you're not normal." "I'm a character?" "That doesn't matter." "I'm younger than everyone else?" "No. Try again." Anti growls, impatience growing. "Oh. I exercise frequently which means I-" His glare is aimed at Anti. Well done, you've making him realise his mistake. The glitch must be so proud of himself. Why is Jackie even answering of his own free will? "Which means I should be closer to 60 beats per minute." "Exactly." "Look, it doesn't matter. I made the mistake of dealing with you. Increased heart rate is also a symptom of stress." "That's no way to speak to the one who took the liberty of educating you." That tone. Oh God, it was that exact tone. Please don't let him have a needle and thread handy. He's sorry. He won't misbehave again, he swears. "Sorry, sir." Anti still glowers for a moment. "I see you finally remembered your manners." "Listen, I can't walk. So no more escape attempts. You won't have to worry about that." "That didn't excuse you from lessons, now did it?" "No, exactly, so we can still do that." "Yet you still managed to leave me." How is Jackie meant to respond to that? "I- Well, you were distracted, sir. I was... I was being resourceful. That's a useful trait, right?" Anti's laughter is broken. It morphs into an amalgamation of giggles, cackles and snickers. He scrutinises Jackie once more before turning away. His gaze is directed to the powerlines surrounding the field. Hang on, he can't just leave! God, this culminating panic was so stupid. No matter how much he tries to squash it, the anxiety grows. Within seconds, he can't stop himself from blurting it out. "Wait, don't go!" This attracts the glitch's attention. He abruptly ceases the increase in fragmentation. The air doesn't feel quite as energised. Anti's head whips around. He's beaming as he steps towards Jackie, closing the distance. "You're as pathetic as ever. Perhaps I should take you with me." Anti muses. "That way you can look my new puppet in the eyes and tell him how you betrayed his trust." "I didn't do anything." Don't say that. Please. Just because it's true doesn't mean he wants to be reminded. "What is one of the first lessons I taught you?" "Don't- Don't talk back?" It's a frown now. "You don't sound convinced." "Don't talk back." He answers firmly. "That's better." Anti gives him a gentle smile. It is swiftly followed by a shove that is nowhere near as gentle. "I could leave you in Tasmania and make you swim all the way home. No cheating this time either. I will personally throw you overboard into the Indian Ocean if I see you trying to stowaway again. I'm sure you don't want that." The glitch crouches down. His hand reaches out towards Jackie's head. The teenager flinches. Anti glides his hand through his hair. Don't relax into it. You have better sources of human contact. This subtle resistance seems to irritate the demon as his hair is yanked into position. Jackie has no choice but to look him in the eyes. "I've had my eye on him for months. Now you've given me an excuse to have him all to myself." The grin falls into a pout. The grip loosens too. "But don't worry! We can be together again one day. I know how lonely you've been without me." How long has Anti's eye had that green glint to it? He tsks in sympathy. The hair stroking resumes. "All those bad habits. Give me some time and you won't have to be lonely again. Can you do that?" No. Fuck off. No way is he going to... going to... He will wait for his master, of course he will. "Yes, sir." Anti rises to his feet. "Good boy. Now, why don't you run home? I have better things to be doing than stand here proving you can't deceive yourself." Jackie doesn't need any more incentives. Racing isn't a pace he is able to maintain anymore. Nevertheless, he travels home as rapidly as his body will allow him. He hadn't brought his keys. In his defense, he believed he wouldn't be coming back. Not to mention he was not about to risk Anti gaining unauthorised access to the egos' home. He bangs on the door like he had eight months ago. They're all clearly beside themselves. No words are spoken before Jackie is practically smothered by Marvin while simultaneously being berated for his disappearance. Where had he gone? Why didn't he think to give them a heads up before leaving? Did he not realise how worried they'd been? Also, had Chase said anything to him about staying out tonight? Jackie doesn't understand. What did Chase have to do with him sneaking out? If the guy had gone to drop off a forgotten toy, that wasn't suspicious. Neither was the prospect of traffic delaying him or Chase secretly heading to a pub. Come on, this was Chase they were talking about. There must be a perfectly reasonable- What about a hallway? Why's that significant? Oh. Oh no.

[hotchocolatefanfics]

PoTA: Test The Relationship

Hi guys! So this just came to me a couple of days ago and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head so I wrote it out. 

Basically, it’s a PoTA-based relationship test. The idea is you imagine your favorite PoTA characters/PoTA shippings (canon or not) in these scenarios and, based on their personalities, backgrounds and actions in the books and movies, imagine what they might think, say or do in them. These scenarios can also be used to explore your PoTA OC’s character and expand on their personality and relationships.

Some of the scenarios are based off of things that happened in the movies and books and by the actions of the characters (both the good guys and the bad guys) and some are real-life based and others don’t follow the PoTA mold at all (so some are serious, some are romantic/comfort, and some are just random and silly). 

Types of couple that can be used in these scenarios: 

Canon

Made-Up Shippings 

OC Shippings/relations 

Crack Couples 

Ape x Human

Ape x Ape 

Human x Human 

OC x Canon 

OC x OC 

Gay or Straight Shippings 

Literally anything you want! 

Subjects included in (some of these) these scenarios:

Character Death

Divorce/Breakup 

Government Corruption/Propaganda

PTSD/Past Trauma 

Self Harm/Suicidal Thoughts or Actions 

Abuse 

Drug Addictions 

Alcoholism 

Cancer/Serious and/or Fatal Illness

Miscarriage/Infant Death

Adoption 

Betrayal 

Seperation

Depression/Anger problems 

Birth Defects/Disability 

Murder/Attempted Murder

Homophobia/Harassment/Bullying

Oppression

Ape-Based Polygamy (where they have multiple mates)

If any of these subjects trigger you or make you uncomfortable, don’t read the scenario and don’t do them! I could personally direct you to the scenarios that DON’T have that particular subject but please be aware that a good 80% of these scenarios cover these things and the whole point of them is to test how the characters handle them and the relationship of the said couple. It’s all meant PURELY for fiction and character exploration, not in any way shape or form meant to encourage or glamorize these subjects. As a precaution, I may repost this on my DA incase this is taken down.

PoTA Movies/Books that (some of) these scenarios are inspired by: 

Rise

Dawn 

War 

Firestorm 

Revelations 

Original PoTA Movies 

Tim Burton’s Remake

While these scenarios were made up based off of the PoTA universe, some of them CAN be used for other franchises you’re interested in. The scenarios are primarily romance-based but there are a few that are based on friendships, parent to child relations, and spouse to in-laws.

The scenarios are all open ended. You choose the couple/the characters in them (the “you” refers to the character you chose to be that role), how far it goes and how it ends (This ______ means fill in the blank! LOL). You can use these scenarios as prompts for drawing, one-shots, discussions, or role-plays.

This is not a contest or a challenge! If anything it’s just something I made up for fun and maybe others may find fun in it to. There’s 100 scenarios on this list but you don’t have to do ALL of them if your don’t want to!

Sorry that my description has taken up more room than I thought it would but have fun! Happy character exploration and relationship testing! XD

1 - 10: Falling in love 

1) You have been captured by apes/cruel humans. You just met a/another ape/primitive human. Is it love at first sight?

2) You see your companion being abused/tortured/whipped by your captors. Do you intervene? 

3) Your companion makes a flower crown for you. How does this make you feel? Do you make one for them? 

4) You’re in love. However, the person you love will never love you back due to your species/different opinions on humans. What is it about them that you love so much?

5) You and your companion are not the same species (one is ape and the other is human) but you have feelings for them. Do you hide it? Do they feel the same? 

6) You want to impress your companion by________. It goes horribly wrong and you end up embarrassing yourself. Do you laugh it off? Do you hide your head in shame?

7) You want to give your companion a gift. After much consideration, you decide the best gift would be________. How do they react to the gift?

8) You’re about to be killed by______. Your companion saves your life and in doing so, gets hurt themselves. What do you do? 

9) Your companion suddenly disappears as you’re traveling. Do you search for them? Or go get help? 

10) You and your companion are alone together. You catch each others eyes and gaze at one another. Your heart is pounding. Do you kiss them? Do they kiss back? 

11 - 20: Something Cute

11) You feel like making cookies. You invite your love to join you. How do you know they aren’t going to eat all the cookie dough first?

12) It’s your love’s birthday. It’s as easy to celebrate these things anymore, but you think you can make it work. What do you get for them? Do you attempt to bake a cake?

13) Halloween is coming up. Your love has never celebrated the holiday. Do you dress up in costumes? Go Trick or Treating/eat candy? Watch horror movies and stay up all night?

14) You and the group you’re in are all bored. You decide to play Truth or Dare. You’re group includes apes and humans, some having done wrong in the past and others had gone from friends, to enemies, to ‘not really friends but we can tolerate each other now’ kind of relationship. What can go wrong? And what is the craziest dare you can think of?

15) It’s summer! You decide to take your love on an adventure. Where do you go?

16) You feel lonely but your companion can’t talk. Do you try to teach them how to communicate? 

17) Apes can’t swim. Yet, they see you playing in shallow water. The water isn’t deep and only goes up to your waist at most. Do you invite them in? Do you all end up having a splash-fight?

18) It’s Friday night. That means no council meetings, no hunting, no fighting, no war, no killing, no nothing. You and your human and ape friends know what that means…Party time!!! During the party, you notice your love interest is there. Do you ‘play it cool’ and approach them? Or do you keep rocking out with your friends?

19) Your love is feeling blue. It doesn’t appear to be anything serious, but you don’t like it. What do you do to cheer them up?

20) Your love is having trouble sleeping. You decide to do something sweet and silly for them! Do you sing them a lullaby? Read/tell a bedtime story? Or do you do something else entirely?

21 - 30: Opening Up 

21) Your love has always been secretive and extremely hateful towards (other) humans. One night, you confront them about it. Are you prepared to hear about the abuse and torture your love was subjected to?

22) You came from another planet/the past. Everyone you’ve ever known, your friends and your family, are gone. Leaving you homesick for them. You feel all alone in this new, strange world with seemingly no one to talk to or no one who cares. Still, not all apes in this world are ‘human haters’ and the humans here are good listeners. What’s the harm in seeking company from them?

23) Being locked in a cage for so many years does things to a person. It caused you to have depression and anxiety problems, and caused you to fear humans as well as hate them. It’s hard to talk about these things, even if you weren’t the only one to experience it. Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep, thinking about it. One day, another ape approaches you and asks if you’re ok. Do you let them in? Let them be the one to free you from your cage?

24) Your love suffers from PTSD, due to all the abuse and trauma they’ve endured. They have good days and bad days, but it’s never easy. All you can do is be there for them and help them in any way you can. What happens when a particularly bad flashback leaves your love in tears and you holding them as well as crying with them?

25) Your love tells you a secret. A secret so shocking that, if it ever came to light, it could ruin your love’s life. But keeping it a secret is also dangerous, as it threatens their life too. You don’t want to destroy your love’s trust, but there’s no way you can keep this a secret either. What can you do?

26) You lost your parents when you were young. You don’t like talking about it, not even to your own love. What happens when they find an old picture of you and your parents? Do you tell them how you lost them?

27) You have been made to do horrible things. Things that you never want to remember or speak of again. But one day, something from your past resurfaces and your love demands explanation. Do you lie to protect them from the truth? Or tell them everything?

28) There are certain subjects your love noticeably avoids. Mostly its small things: handling knives, refusing to look at blood, covering their ears at loud noises. You don’t think anything of it until one day…What happens that makes you rethink this behavior? Do you try to find out the source of these problems?

29) Ape Law has always been flaky at best. You never gave it much thought and preferred to live about your daily life as if nothing is happening around you at all. Trouble is, your spouse works very closely with Dr. Zaius and the orangutans. It’s normally uneventful, but lately weird things have been occurring in the village and your spouse is either denying that it’s happening or trying to hide it. You’ve never been interested in this subject before, but you cannot ignore that somethings not right. What is your spouse hiding? What do you do to find out what it is?

30) You decide it’s time to profess your feelings to your love and take the step from friends, to lovers. How do you do it?

31 - 40: Marriage 

31) You and your partner love each other. You live together, eat and sleep and even go out in the forest and Ape Village together. You want to ask the big question, but you’re so nervous of what the answer will be that you keep putting it off. Your partner finally notices and asks about it. What do you do?

32) You and your partner have been through a lot. You’ve survived a virus, dangerous humans, and your spouse has survived abuse and neglect by them. You have your differences and neither of you are perfect, but you love each other all the same. If they were to ask you to marry them, would you say yes?

33) Despite everything that you have done, your partner still loves you and lets you know that everyday. As much as you feel grateful for them, you can’t help but feel guilty for all you put your partner through during the war and the events leading up to it. You secretly wonder if they also resent you for what you did, like everyone else. So how do you feel when your partner, despite all your mistakes, asks your hand in marriage?

34) It was obvious for years that you two were a couple. The entire village knew of it. Not even Dr. Zaius bats an eye when you two announce your engagement. Problem is you have friends who are apes who you want to invite, but you also have human friends too…This wedding is going to be very interesting.

35) You are ape and your partner is human. Your love is forbidden, and seen as a betrayal to many with both sides outcasting you. Fed up with the constant harassment, your partner decides to leave the village and asks you to go with him-as his spouse. This is a hard choice to make. There’s not much left for you if you stay but leaving would mean you’d have to leave your home, your family and all you’ve ever known behind. Will you say yes and go with him? Or will you stay in the village with a ruined reputation?

36) Due to war, you and your spouse have to be separated. The timing is horrible as you have just gotten married and were just about to settle in as spouse and spouse. You talk to each other as often as you can, but it’s just not the same. Can your marriage survive this long-distance relationship?

37) Being an outcast by your own people is hard. Everyday, you put on a brave face and tell your spouse that you’re ok but they know when you’re lying. They know it’s unfair and awful how the village treats you just because of your species. You think it’s just you who they oppress, but it turns out your spouse is also a target. How does it effect your relationship?

38) Some apes have multiple spouses. There are no laws against it and it isn’t seen as cheating or anything wrong. Still, you weren’t raised with it. Your father only had one spouse, and that was what you wanted. One, and only one, spouse. But you have fallen in love with another ape too. You know you won’t be judged for having two spouses and your current spouse wouldn’t  mind either, but do you really want this? Or do you ignore it and stick with what you’ve originally wanted?

39) Your parents are cruel to your spouse. They don’t accept them and constantly tell you that you should leave them. Your in-laws (your spouse’s parents) are the most nicest, most caring people you’ve ever met and you are honored to be part of their family but it also makes you feel horrible about your own parents behavior. On your wedding day, they ruin it by throwing _________  at your spouse and yells at them. This is the last straw. What do you do?

40) It’s your wedding day. The day where fantasy and day dream become reality, and it’s almost mystical. Straight from a storybook. As you and your spouse hold each other, is it everything you’ve ever dreamed of?

41 - 50: Building A Family 

41) You want to have kids but your spouse doesn’t want to talk about it. The subject appears to make them angry and depressed. One night, you decide you have to ask. Would you be prepared for what you hear?

42) You and your spouse are unable to have children. One day, you find an abandoned child while at the Market Place. This child is malnourished and appears hungry. Would you Adopt this child? How would your spouse feel?

43) You and your spouse never thought having children together was possible but it turns out, your spouse is pregnant! Are you shocked? Scared? Happy? What about your spouse?

44) Your child is an outcast, due to you and your spouse being a human-ape couple/past choices made by you or your spouse. One day, your child asks what an ‘abomination’ is. What do you tell them?

45) You and your spouse are currently wanted fugitives and your child is being hunted. If you are captured, your child will be murdered. The only way to protect them is to give up your child and then you and your spouse will have to flee. Who do you leave your child with? Do you fully trust them?

46) You and your friends aren’t related by blood, but you are the closest thing to family that you have. You’re all different, some are apes and some are human, but you stick together as if you were all brothers and sisters and you never let anyone, human or apes, hurt you. How far does it go?

47) You and your spouse find out that your child has a birth defect/has health problems. In a post-apocalyptic world, not much can be done to help your child live a normal life. There is also a possibility your child may die. How do you and your spouse cope with this?

48) You now have two children. As you and your spouse watch them play, do you two worry about their futures? More specifically, if they’d be accepted as equals by the apes and by humans?

49) Your spouse is pregnant and it hasn’t been easy. As you talk about it together, you find that both of you are afraid. Not just for weather or not your spouse and the baby will survive the birth, but also the child’s future as a whole. You try to be strong for your spouse, but can you be strong for yourself too?

50) Your spouse is in labor, and it’s worse than you imagined. You’re scared but you’re more concerned for your spouse than anything else. The baby is finally born. How is your spouse? Are they going to be ok? But then, as you look at your child for the first time, what are you feeling?

51 - 60: Problems 

51) Your spouse has a history of treachery, deceit, murder, attempted murder and manipulation and is outcasted and disliked by many in the colony. It has also put a strain on your relationship, as it makes it hard to fully trust them. Do you ever talk it out with your spouse? Does your spouse regret their past actions?

52) You do not wish harm on humans, but your spouse does. Its to the point where your spouse wants to kill them all. You love your spouse, but you do not like where this is going. Do you try to reason with them? 

53) War has taken it’s toll on your spouse. They no longer seem as confident and powerful as they used to be. In fact, your spouse looks like they’re about to crumble and break before your eyes. One night, they do. They need you to be their strength for the night. How strong can you be for them?

54) You drink your pain away with alcohol. It’s not healthy, but it’s the only thing that gives you peace. You know your spouse hates it, but you’re honestly sick of their nagging. They’ll never understand how bad it hurts. How bad everything hurts…But would you give them the chance? 

55) Old mistakes from the past and continued bitterness over them has made their way into your marriage. Now you and your spouse fight constantly, to the point of yelling and shouting at each other, only to end with one of you leaving and slamming the door behind them and the other to go bed to scream into a pillow. Why is this happening? And how can you and your spouse fix it?

56) Your spouse finds out that someone at work has been mistreating you and they are not happy about it. One day, they show at your work place and beats up the guy that had been bullying you. Did you know it was coming? Were you shocked to see it happen?

57) You decide to do a harmless, non-aggravating, prank on your spouse. The prank you have in mind is suppose to be confusing rather than to make it’s victim angry and upset or cause damage. One of those ���wholesome and innocent’ pranks. You pull the prank and-!…It’s not your spouse you’ve just pranked…It’s your spouse’s mother!!! How do you get out of this awkward situation?!

58) Your spouse has an awful fear of the dark. It’s so bad that they need a nightlight, something to hold and you to be in the bed with them before they fall asleep. One night, they wake you up and say they think someone/something is inside the house/cave. It could be nothing, but do you really want to take that chance?

59) Your child has a friend who is a bad influence on them. This friend is shady, secretive and always has an answer to everything. You have a bad feeling about them but no evidence to prove anything. You talk it out with your spouse and they too feel something isn’t right with this friend. Then one day your child comes home, badly beaten and bleeding. When it becomes known that the friend did it, you decide then and there that you are going to make them pay for this. What do you do?

60) Homosexuality is not uncommon in Ape Society. In fact, it’s almost as common as heterosexuality. You are perfectly fine with this, as some of your ape friends are married to other apes who are the same gender, however you also have human friends find it ‘unnatural’ or ‘disgusting’ or ‘sinful’. You have been very careful to avoid those friends and keeping them from meeting your ape friends but of course, they eventually find each other. The ignorant friends realize they are looking at two male apes kissing and start harassing them, calling them horrible names right in front of you. That’s it, any feeling of friendship you had with these people dies at that moment. How do you intervene? Do you use just words to stop them or do you have to use physical force? 

61 - 70: It’s A Matter of Life and Death 

61) Your spouse has a disease that could kill them. Thankfully, there is a cure that can save them, but this treatment comes with serious consequences. Would you save your spouse’s life? Do you value their life enough to make sacrifices?

62) Colonel McCullough has kidnapped your spouse! Problem is, he also has the entire colony in the base too! Do you save your spouse first? Or your people?

63) Your spouse and your child are both in serious danger, having been kidnapped by the enemy and are now about to be killed by them/inflicted with a fatal illness. Despite your best efforts, you could only save one of them but not the other. Who do you save? The love of your life? Or your child?

64) Your spouse is an experiment in a laboratory. Every second they are in that cage, their life is at risk. You need a plan but it’s hard to think of one when there’s so little time. What are you feeling? How do you try to rescue them?

65) Your spouse has been acting strange lately. You try to ask them what’s wrong but they wouldn’t say. One night, you catch them with a blade in their hand. You stop them just in time but it leaves you shaking as you now know your spouse has been harming themselves and may have suicidal thoughts. What goes through your mind as you realize this?

66) Your spouse is an addict. One day, you find them passed out and not breathing. You rush to get help, but is it enough to save them? Is it too late?

67) The village has deemed your spouse to be a murderer and a traitor. They were banished and is now locked away forever. But your spouse is innocent. You don’t have proof that they didn’t do it, but the Orangutans don’t have evidence against them either. Suspicious, you do some detective work of your own. No one believes you and Dr. Zaius is determined to silence  you, but you don’t care. You’d stop at nothing to save your spouse’s life. But if your spouse is innocent, who is the actual murderer? And what is Dr. Zaius trying to hide from you?

68) Your in-laws died recently. Your spouse tells you that their parents have told them something about the apes history. Something that should have been buried centuries ago. What did your in-laws tell your spouse? How do you console them?

69) Your spouse had a miscarriage. You take it hard. Everyone knew the pregnancy would be difficult, but you never thought this would happen. Your spouse blames themselves despite you telling them it’s not their fault and you both fall into a deep depression…What now?

70) The forest is on fire and your family is trapped inside! You race through the flames, desperately yelling out their names but their voices seem to come from all directions. The smoke is getting heavier, harder to breathe as the air seem less and less. You refuse to give up, you’re either going to save your family or die trying! Do you get burned? And if you do find your family, which one do you save first?

71 - 80: With or Without You 

71) Your spouse has started a war. You always knew they hated humans, but never dreamt they’d actually do this. When you find out that your fellow apes are also being threatened, and some have been killed, you confront your spouse. Do you try to stop them? Or is your life also at risk?

72) You are finally getting revenge for all the pain humans caused you. Sure a couple of apes died on the way and a couple of them refuse to follow you, but you see no problem with it. But then, your spouse shows up and demands you stop it. It’s getting on your nerves, and you decide you need to make another choice. Do you love your spouse enough to spare them? Or would you choose revenge over their life?

73) You don’t know what the heck your spouse is thinking. They’ve taken control over the remainder of the colony and now some are dead and others are held captive. Your spouse is talking about killing the queen and they’re convincing other apes to help carry it out. What do you? Get answers from others? Or reason with your spouse and try to stop them before this goes too far?

74) Your spouse has enslaved the entire ape colony. Even Caesar is locked up and chained, reduced to another slave. You know why this is all happening, but it just seems so wrong. So against everything that you stand for and believe in. The more that happens, the more you hate it. Do you go against your spouse’s back and help the apes? Or do you confront them yourself?

75) Your spouse has gone off to exterminate the human race. You can’t stop them, and you both know it. Their hate has made them mad, to the point of no return. Do you say goodbye then and there? And as they leave, for what feels like the last time, what are you thinking and feeling?

76) Your spouse has been banished by the colony for their crimes. As of right now, you’re the only one who still cares about them. Do you go looking for them to join them and start a new life somewhere else with them? Or are you so angry with what they did that you just want to forget about them?

77) Your spouse has joined the enemy and is now seen as a traitor to the colony. How do you feel when you find this out? Are you angry with them? Or do you plan to try to change their mind?

78) You have a chance to go back home. Back to your own world, where humans rule the world. But do you really want to go? And leave behind your new friends here in this ape planet?   What does your heart say?

79) You want revenge for the murders of your family but your friends are in the way. To you, they are just waisting your time and slowing you down. You know they mean well and they’re worried for you but it doesn’t make you feel any less angry at them. Do you continue to travel with them? Or do you push them away and go down the rhode of vengeance without them?

80) Your spouse is on the verge of curing a disease that has hurt millions of lives and threatens even more, but is it worth it? Finding this cure means using innocent apes as lab rats and playing with nature…One of the victims trapped in all of this is your spouse’s own adoptive child. Not even they are spared from this. You understand why your spouse is doing this and you know their heart is in the right place, but you cannot agree with any of this. Do you try to convince them to stop? Even if this is wrong, how can you tell then to give up something they have worked so hard on?

81 - 90: I’m Sorry 

81) You had no choice. Your spouse has become a monster. You didn’t want to do it, but you had to. It was the only way you, your family, your friends and your colony would be safe. You had to kill your own spouse…How did it come to this?

82) Your spouse has sacrificed themselves so you live. You never asked them to do such a thing, but they did and it seems they would have done it even if you begged them not to. Wrecked with survivor’s guilt, all you can do is cry for your brave spouse. If you had known that day would be the last day you’d be with them again, what would you have said?

83) Being an astronaut came with consequences. You have left your spouse and children behind on Earth, your home planet. All you want now is to see them again one more time and tell them how much you love them and how sorry you are for leaving them. If you had the chance to do just that, would you?

84) You took part in creating the virus that’s whipping out the planet. Everyone is blaming the apes for this, but you know that’s not true. It’s your fault, and the fault of Gen-Sys for doing this. You say your sorry as your spouse and children die before your eyes, but there aren’t enough sorries in the world that can save them. How can you live with yourself now?

85) You really did it this time. You are now a traitor to the colony and will never be able to return to them. You have no one to turn to and no where to go. Worse of all, you’ve left your beloved all alone. Abandoned them. That was never part of your plan and never what you wanted, but your spouse is now paying the price for your treachery. If you got to see them again, what would you say to them? Do you think they’d still love you and forgive you?

86) Your actions cost the lives of several in the colony and has hurt many others. What you regret the most is how much it has hurt your spouse. You never talk about it with them but you see the hurt in their eyes. You used to have a loving and trusting relationship with each other, now it just feels like your spouse has given up on you. How can you show them how sorry you are?

87) You are haunted by the faces of the people who have died because of you. There are too many to name, some are ape and some are human, but they all form this mob of angry ghosts wanting revenge for their murders. You may not have killed all of them, but you did cause their deaths. How can you put these demons to rest? In fact, are these ghosts real? Or are they just figments of your imagination created by your own guilt?

88) You had to do the unthinkable. You had to kill your own loved ones and friends to save your species. The virus that threatens to destroy your very existence is everywhere you look. In the faces of the people you kill, in the eyes of your enemies, and even in some of your own ‘pets’. You are meant to save and protect your species…But in doing so, you are also killing them…Who do say your sorry to? To those you kill? To all who oppose you?…Or to yourself?

89) You and your spouse had a fight. It was a over something stupid and small, but it got ugly really fast and now neither of you are talking. Who started this fight? And how do you make it up to each other?

90) You have an anger problem and it’s caused a lot of problems between you and your spouse and you with your children. It gets particularly bad one day when your oldest lies to you about where they had been. You get into a fight with them and, in a rage, you smack them. Your spouse intervenes and starts a yelling match with you too. It ends with your children avoiding you for the rest of the day and your spouse giving you dirty looks. Is this enough for you to admit you have a problem? Why was your oldest child lying about their whereabouts anyway? How do you try to make amends with them and your spouse?

91 - 100: The End

91) Your spouse is dead. Killed by Caesar for their crimes. Despite the chaos that had just happened, and the impending danger caused by your spouse, do you still mourn for them? Do you give yourself a chance to say goodbye?

92) Your spouse has suffered a fatal wound and is about to die. You have just enough time to speak them one last time. You don’t want them to go and leave you, but there’s nothing you can do. What do you say?

93) You’ve had enough. You’re tired of the bullshit your spouse has started. Your marriage may have been beautiful at first, but now it’s toxic and lethal. Threatening your own life as well as the humans/apes that are imprisoned here. How do you plan to escape?

94) Your spouse has sacrificed themselves/died during the war. Now you’re at the Oasis, the ape’s new home. As much as you miss your spouse and mourn for them every day, you know one day you’ll have to move on. When will that day come?

95) You and your spouse both have the virus. As you lay dying, the two of you stare at each other in silent sadness. All the things you could have done you never did. Your dreams never came to be. As all this goes through your mind, what do you regret the most? The things you never got to do? Or the things you could have done differently but didn’t?

96) You had cancer years earlier, now it’s come back and it’s worse than before. You have been given less than a year. Within that time, what do you want to do? Rekindle old friendships? Spend time with your family members one more time? Tell your spouse how much you love them?

97) It’s not working out. It’s not your fault or your spouse’s, but you just aren’t close anymore. The spark that brought you together has died out and your marriage is falling apart. You both know it’s over, but neither of you want to admit it. What do you say to each other? Are you ready for a divorce?

98) Your spouse is abusive towards you. You don’t know why they do this to you, but overtime they hurt you, your heart breaks a little bit more. Don’t they love you anymore? Finally, you decide it’s over and start thinking about escape. Do you reach out for help? Who do you turn to?

99) It was an accident. Neither of you saw that car/bear as it came after you. Regardless, it has taken your beloved spouse. Now you’re all alone, despite the constant wave of support and sympathy from your friends and family and nearly everyone in the village. Then, you are confronted with the being that caused the accident. How does looking at them make you feel?

100) You and your spouse have lived a long life together. You have survived war and oppression, been part of creating a new era of human and ape-kind and have had children, and now grandchildren. All your hopes and dreams have come true and all is well in the world. The only problem is, you’re both dying. Your old bodies are falling apart, no longer strong enough to  fight. The good news is, it will be a peaceful death and you’d died together with the one you love. As you and your spouse lay in your bed, waiting for death to take you, what do you reflect on? If you got live your life a second time, would you do it all again? Would you change anything at all?

[whitewolfbumble]

The Fallout - Part Eighteen (Bucky x Reader)

Summary: You had been a ghost for years, taking down the bad guys from the shadows that had once enslaved you. That is until the Avengers finally caught up with you and yet again your life changed. But your past won’t stay dead and everything starts to shift when a familiar face joins the ranks: Bucky Barnes. He may not remember you, but you certainly remember him.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader 

Warnings: Slow burn, language, death, gore, mutilation/amputation, torture (SO SORRY. listen, this makes it sound so bad. I’m not saying it’s inaccurate though so just be warned)

Word Count: About 4k

A/N: Action and death are back here. Yet again, I make apologies for the pain in this chapter! We start right where the last part left off so brace yourself for that scene’s conclusion. Please let me know what you think with a reblog, like, or message! If you want to be tagged on this or my permanent list, let me know!

MY MASTERLIST // THE FALLOUT MASTERLIST // PART SEVENTEEN

“Enough, Soldat.” 

Finally, those words came and ended his fists beating mercilessly against your still body.

Immediately Bucky quieted, stepping back at the command.

You couldn’t see beyond a blurred darkness, could barely hear, couldn’t move your broken body an inch. You lay, bloodied and dying on the ground in front of the man you loved, his fists dripping with your blood.

You were always going to die in a fight, let’s be honest about that. You had never planned to ever stop fighting so naturally, your inclination was to believe that that was where it would all end for you. But you didn’t want it end this way, for his sake. 

If you died at his hand, from your perspective, it hardly would matter as you would simply be dead. 

But if you died at his hand he would remain behind, alive and tormenting himself, unable to forgive or forget. The Bucky that you fell in love with would die along with you in a much different way. As your body would decompose, his soul would rot too under the weight of it all.

Footsteps clanged against the metal coil floor, vibrations not enough to cause your dead-weighted body to move really. The only slight sway was the arm pinned under your body hanging loosely down through a gap into the void below.

“Y/N... We’ve done a lot of planning to get you here today.” Gerault started pleasantly, towering somewhere over you. “You always appreciated a well-constructed plan that revolved around uncompromising pain. I think that gives us cause to all take a minute and admire my work here, don’t you?”

You couldn’t speak, jaw bone cracked in more place than one. You still would have tried to talk but found your body wholly unable to form a single word.

Instead, you very, very slowly shifted all but your middle finger down on your hand laid out beside you, slowly flipping Gerault off. It was essentially the same sentiment as you would've said if you could.

“Soldat,” Gerault said singularly.

Quick as a flash Bucky’s foot landed on your hand, crushing your wrist over a metal coil. The intense crushing burn instantly roused you, moving to pull it away as your lungs let out a horrendous wheeze, unable to scream anymore. You heard your wrist crack and pop audibly, even above the ringing in your ears.

“N... No,” you tried to say, words not quite getting out.

You spat blood, screaming internally as he didn’t stop or let up the pressure. 

“Again,” said Gerault.

A brief reprieve was almost not even felt, brain moving too slow and pain too great, before his foot lifted and slammed down again. 

This time you felt nothing, the only sensation was a shaking that started from your spine and enveloped your whole body. You couldn't even feel if his foot lifted, like there was nothing at the end of your wrist at all.

“Alright, that's enough. Soldat,” Gerault commanded, you barely hearing him anymore, your body rolling and shaking internally. “Trigger her and pump her full of this to get her moving. We have plan to be followed here.”

At the word “trigger” a memory lethargically resurfaced, of Bucky in your early Hydra days. He had been a handler of yours. He knew how to trigger you.

You shut out the pain of that thought. At the thought of him of all people bringing you back into the perversion that was Hydra’s control over you. 

You just tried to shut it all out.

Walking through the base was a much more leisurely affair this time around than the last. Your hunter was not following behind anymore, but he was now a partner, walking with you.

With The Winter Soldier- your once and now at least partial hander- at your side you weren't likely to do anything Gerault wouldn't approve of.

Blood dripped down from all over you like you were shedding what had made you soft. Ordinary. Weak.

Visions of you friends melted away. Of a kind of home. Of a love. 

Gone.

You strolled down the corridor, the Soldier marching beside you with his ever intense gait. A man on a mission he was. You could admire that.

When you approached a turn, you both stopped, hearing voices filter with an echo down the hall.

The Team was there. At least the three you came with. The others wouldn’t be that long out though. The pair of you still had time.

Your sharp eyes went to the Soldier’s. Together you nodded before stepping forward.

Walking into their view, you only took a few steps before stopping, hand on your hip.

“Bucky!” Steve said in shock, the blue-clad captain stunned with his two counterparts behind him.

Steve took a few steps forward before Bucky raised his gun up, stopping Steve in his tracks. Understanding and revulsion dawned on his face. 

Steve had seen Bucky like this before, on more than one occasion. He knew what to expect. But as he turned to you, you could see that he very much didn’t know what you were truly capable of. He should have looked far more afraid.

Your eyes watched him, so far dilated it was like they were completely black. Whatever the Soldier had given you on Gerault’s commanded was like pure adrenalin in your veins, blocking out any physical pain of your body completely. It was intoxicating, like you were fucking invincible.

You heard and saw and felt everything and nothing, the entire world spread open and closed to you at once.

“Y/N,” Steve said, choked, looking down your clearly broken and shredded body.

His eyes didn’t leave your right arm though, and behind him Natasha’s went wide. Sam only whispered an “Oh my god”, devastation plain on his face.

You held up your right arm, where naturally your hand should be. 

But it wasn’t there anymore.

It was gone, now down in that pit somewhere. Crushed off under the force of the Soldier’s boot.

Honestly, you didn’t feel a thing. Two hands or one, you could still cause more pain and win more fights than anyone else in the game.

It didn’t take a second to put on your most pathetic, quivering voice.

“Steve, how could you let this happen to me?!” you whimpered, tears gushing down your face on command. “How could you do this to me? You were my friend, my leader...”

He went white, almost gasping, and you couldn’t help but break at the sight of him, with a short little cackle ringing out. 

“Such a softie,” you murmured, face pulling back into neutral lines at the drop of a dime.

But on orders not to engage, you found this was getting boring fast. Time to get this done.

Fear and heartbreak was the name of the game, for both you and them. Plant it in them to complete the mission. Then the real torture of your newly altered life would begin again.

With your black eyes coupled with a bloody smile, you gave off an instantly disturbed feeling, and that didn’t escape your friends.

“You should be running,” you said low, smile growing.

Eight Months Later

The Winter Soldier stood- as he always did- arms crossed. Only when Gerault came in did he drop his arms, ready for orders.

Pathetic and submissive. You, on the other hand, didn’t leave your chair, leaning back leisurely. You tapped your metal finger down impatiently, your new metal hand now matching the Soldier’s arm.

Typical stealth assassin. No creativity, no will. The Beast that ran under your skin was not the same as his. And your mind turned around how you could make him bend under your will, what pain you could cause this stone statue of man.

Don’t you fucking touch him! you screamed, somewhere deep down in your mind, locked away and easy to ignore.

You had been here for some time and need something to occupy yourself.

It was a dark and gritty room, like most of where you spent your time. Your days were filled with experimentation, your body being slashed and stitched over and over, you brain fucked with a cocktail of drugs pumped through you to alter this or that about you. Then, out of your mind and torn apart, they sent out on missions to test the effectiveness of their meddling. 

Months this went on, each session worse than the last. Each episode breaking your down. Each experiment letting loose the maniac in you yet forcing you to submit to their commands. It caused a rift inside you, breaking you apart and burying the person you once were underneath the madness of it.

So yet again, you were back after the latest mission, needing to give a summary to Gerault himself, who refused to be too long without either of you, his real life trophies in all this. As per the routine of it all, you found yourself in this depressing and dank room, unremarkable and boring you not to tears but fury.

Finally you caught the sound of distant footsteps down the hall. Gerault soon walked in with a few other men in tow, veering slightly to the side where the Soldier was. 

Really, the man could say “beg” and you would be down on your knees groveling. Your “processing and conditioning” (also known as mental and physical torture and drug experimentation) over the months making your will bend to his.

But that was if he could say it faster than you could move to snap his neck. 

Hence the needed protection of the Soldier.

At his entry, they had left the door wide open and naturally your eyes flitted to it than back to Gerault, who watched you, waiting for you to make a move.

Run! Get out! Please, just end this!

You almost externally scoffed, looking down to your hand with a slight smile to hide it. Your old self remained, a voice in your head, screaming and wailing and generally being a fucking nuisance.

Run, damn it!...

But you stayed, looking to Gerault with a pleasant expression. He wasn’t stupid and neither were you. Whatever they were doing to you now was not like before when you were under their power previously. The last heads of Hydra had been much more careful. Gerault was pompous, thinking he could take you further, could push you farther. 

And happily, you would go where he led you. Because somewhere he would make a mistake. And you would strike. 

His freewheeling attitude about you being up and around under (somewhat) of your own will (even with the Soldier) was a dangerous game and he liked to play it, believing he had thought of everything. In those years while you were a free agent with the Avengers he schemed and planned and prepared for this. 

Well, he wasn’t going to win this so easily.

Every round of torture they committed on you made you certain of that.

So no, you didn’t run. He would be expecting that. You needed something he wasn’t expecting. Something that would hurt.

“Soldat, mission report,” he said. His eyes were on you though.

You could practically see him trying to hide the thrill in his eyes and the fear of you there. It had been his life’s work to get you back into the fold and he had done it. Now he was going to try for something even greater.

He meandered a little, walking behind the Soldier who stood stock still.

“Mission completed.” the Soldier’s voice came, deep and dead sounding.

“Well, that’s not very descriptive. How did our Siren do? Anything out of line?”

“No.”

Gerault nodded, clearly trying to hide his pleasure. He thought he was winning. Thought he could win.

To his credit, you had been a good little girl for him, this being your eleventh mission now. Basic murder, evisceration, or a bit of psychological torture. Last nights was just another test to see how you would do.

It had been a family. Ex-Shield agents who met on the job, married, had a couple kids. They were celebrating their youngest 15th birthday when the Winter Soldier and Siren came to their door. The four of them never stood a hope in hell.

Like always you were drugged to the nines, still feeling high like you usually did now out on the field. It was that or in pain, being tortured and mutilated by Hydra for maximum results. They had fixed your mind, altering what they needed too to make you compliant to them alone. Though obviously still quite unlike the Soldier.

They shut down his emotions (externally anyway, you knew Bucky was down there somewhere screaming like the old Y/N was in you). They wanted stealth and unrelenting brute force, and they certainly got it with him. 

In you, you were full of emotion. It raged and burned and kept you spiraling out of control from one state to the next, drugs and triggers keeping you line mostly. They had shut off your inhibitions and revved up the need for destruction. He was calculating and cold; you were calculating and burning, constantly.

Hence the need to see how you would perform, if still under constant and direct supervision by someone they could count on.

The Soldier would watch, would sometimes command you to do what Hydra wanted. But usually he just stood back, watching your carnage, and judged. Never had his compliance come into question though and unlike the convictions of Gerault or Hydra, you knew that it should be.

You kept silent on the several times you noticed a tick from him. Just a glimmer of the man underneath shining through.

If Gerault asked you, you would no choice but to answer, truthfully. But he didn’t.

They might give you orders, but if you could slither around them? You would. They made you an agent of chaos and blood here. It would be a shame to keep things too orderly and clean, anyway. 

They forced you to let loose and yet kept you on a string. It was likely to be an explosive end result. And they loved him so dearly. You were going to exploit that.

The previous heads of Hydra kept you hurting, kept you broken. Gerault wanted to see the full hurricane force of you unleashed as much as he could. And that just gave you way too much power to be forever controlled.

So you sat, leaned back, waiting for the time when you could really do some damage.

“She always loved a messy fight,” Gerault said, flecks of hunger in his eyes.

You felt more than saw a flicker in the Soldier beside you, and at Gerault words you casually looked at the one called “the Asset”.

He had flinched. You had seen that before. Last night was the most recent. It seemed to be happening more.

You had grabbed his hand which was holding a knife, and plunged it into a wailing man as you had just about had enough of his mewling cries for mercy. At the touch of your skin to his- your hand holding his hand- the Soldier had flinched.

You studied him now, trying to feign a cool casualness about you, head tilted, body relaxed.

Your touch seemed to do it. But certain words as well. You felt a deep pull to find out more, sensing a way to make him suffer. You could always pick up what made people hurt the most and were instinctually drawn to take painful advantage of it.

You would find his and whatever it was, you would make him hurt. You wanted everyone to suffer, particularly Gerault. But you would settle for a little fun on the side for their Golden Boy.

Stop it!... Keep your fucking eyes off of him!...

My my, how venomous.

“The next mission is the mission. It’s The Avengers. All of them.”

Again, his eyes were on you. 

This was a way to torture you, no doubt. To go after your friends and teammates, to cause them harm or kill them or have them hurt you? That would be the nail in your coffin of sheer, unbridled pain and secure in Hydra’s mind your ability to comply. And he knew it. His plan to break you down and push you farther in action.

“You both have inside knowledge of all of them. And I think it’s about time to use that.” he then shrugged, looking at his nails trying to feign an air of disinterest, in his arrogance. “You’re ready, at any rate. And you’re worthy.”

At the word “worthy” your head snapped over to the Soldier as a visible movement shaked him, and for a moment his eyes turned from dead and limp to an awake shock of blue.

Worthy?

Then it clicked into place.

The words you had spoken. Just like Hydra could trigger him to the Winter Soldier, maybe your words- the ones you were trying to engrain into him- could trigger him back? Coupled with your touch, which even back in the 50′s had roused him, maybe you could actually do it this time. Wake him up.

And now Gerault wanted to take down the Avengers. All of them.

Fucking stop this!... Don’t! Please!... Just let me go!...

You simply nodded once to Gerault, slowly. You weren’t stupid enough to speak directly to him anymore, he who was likely to get a rise out of it and plunge you back into a tortured hell just to hear you scream.

Confidently he turned to the men with him.

“Get them both prepped for a fight.” he said, practically buzzing with delight. “Full measures taken, perhaps the three-day long session we were discussing. We can’t risk a slip-up.”

Gerault left the room with a smile and a confident walk, leaving the four now doomed men behind.

Your plan was already in place in your mind now though, and it didn’t have room for them.

They approached however slow, with hands on their gun to the pair of you. Really they didn’t stand a chance. Poor things.

Don’t do th-

As one man reached to put a hand on your shoulder- and no one touched you without severe consequences- you let out one toothy grin, eyes hungry with a smile dancing behind them.

He was in tactical gear, bulletproof vest and all, but you didn’t need a gun to reach through to his insides. 

Like a shot your metal hand whipped out and went into the little bit of exposed fabric just below his armpit. Like a shot of lightning you cut through the fabric and into his flesh by pure force. And you didn't stop until your fingers hit lung.

With a gargle, he began to drop like a rock. 

Before his body even hit the ground you swung up and kicked another Hydra agent in the face, teeth and blood knocked right out and hitting like pellets against the far wall. You pounced to snap his neck, grabbing his weapon and shot the other two, silencer ringing out quietly.

You didn't have a chance to breathe before the Soldier was on you, forcing you down on the ground. His metal hand grabbing your own that held the gun, shrieking as he tried to restrain you. His flesh elbow pinned down yours, body trying to crush you under his weight. But he wouldn’t be winning this today.

Fucking hurt him and I’ll kill you!... Don’t touch him!... Oh god, just stop...

Such a broken record.

You didn’t have to hurt him, you just needed him still for a second. So than yeah actually, you kinda had to hurt him.

Swinging a knee up you jabbed him in the ribcage, knocking him to the side slightly, enough for your other knee to go up to his groin repeatedly and push him off more. There was split second where his elbow on your arm loosen, and you swung your forehead into his face as hard as you could. A brutal sounding smack rang out and as he leaned back at that force, his blood spilling down on you like a delicate spring mist.

With enough leverage and room to move, you forced your arm out from under him, grabbing the gun from your metal hand. 

God, no!... Stop, don’t!....

A shot rang out and the Soldier flew back off you, raining more blood. God, that felt so good. When someone hurt, you were rewarded. It was just intoxicating to hurt people now.

You threw the gun away and grabbed the fabric of his leather tactical coat, hoisting him up onto a chair. He was dazed but cognizant, your shot hitting an area of muscle below the shoulder but above the heart. Right on target.

Time was crucial here, you only had minutes. You were determined to get this done and finally start having some satiating fun.

You smiled down to the man then straddled him, hips grinding into his lap. You grabbed his face in your hands, bringing it close to yours.

Get the fuck off of him you fucking-

“If touch won’t fully do it, maybe a combination will?” you muttered, wriggly closer to him, as close as you could.

Even though you were different now, your times with the Avengers were there in your memories. Including you time with Bucky, with those warm delicately intimate nights together. You felt a pull of familiarity there, so close to him now, bodies pressing together.

You looked to him, drawing his face almost to your lips. A hand held his jaw while another went through his hair, holding him to you.

“Bucky,” you whispered.

Face falling back not into one of a wicked smile and crazed eyes, you watched him. Your look was now soft, honest, unguarded to the loving, concerned feelings below.

“Bucky, darling,” you cooed, looking into his dazed but watching eyes. “Come back to me, my love.”

You brushed your nose down his cheek, before starting to press soft kisses into his cheek, eyelids, and corner of his mouth.

“Bucky, please,” you begged, sounding needy and desperate. “Don’t let them hurt me anymore, don’t let them take me away from you again.”

You pulled back every so slightly, mouth open and breath mingling with his, face pouting and eyes starting to brim with tears. You felt a flinch run through him, saw a stirring in his eyes.

Perfect.

No!...

“My love,” you whispered, lips hovering above his before kissing him once, slow and chaste. “You are worthy.”

This time he jerked but you didn’t stop.

You placed another, deeper and longer kiss on his lips before pulling back a little. “You are so loved, my darling.”

And you felt him move under you.

Another kiss, wet and deep, as you brought your arms around his head locking him into you, wanting as much physical contact with him as possible. Even as a brainless toy soldier he was delicious.

You brushed your fingers through his hair, looking deeply into him, urging him to come out.

“You are not what they made you, my love. You can break through this. Come back to me, darling.”

With his shudder under you, you pulled away, watching for the telltale signs of Bucky.

Immediately he clutched his shoulder where you shot him, blood still pool out of it, blue eyes pained and shocked. You immediately got off of him, watching for some concrete sign he was not the Soldier.

But his eyes said it all. They were Bucky’s. 

That was all the confirmation you needed.

Running to the grab the gun on the floor, you next bolted to the door and grabbed the outdated intercom, pulling the receiver up, voice sounding pained and frantic.

“It’s Bucky!” you screamed, sounding desperate. “The Winter Soldier he- he’s just gone! Bucky’s killed four men and he’s after me! Please! I need help! Someone! Oh, god!”

“...Siren? What the f-” was a static response.

But you made a choked noise before hanging up the receiver. Right on cue a flashing red light lit up the room, sirens wailing. Calmly while illuminated in red, you turned back to Bucky.

He was crumpled slightly, hunched over with a hand still on his shoulder, looking tormented and struggling under his new ability to control himself again.

You looked at him with a predatory gaze in your eyes and smile on your lips.

“They’ll be after you now, Soldier Boy. You should go. Though, I think I’ll stick around just a little longer.”

He stumbled to his feet, still dazed by the sudden awakening and pain of the last months catching up with his fully conscious body.

He stumbled to the door, almost brushing passed you as his hand and body fell against it, trying to push the thing open.

“See you soon, honey.” you said, low and sweet to him.

Walking back over to the chair, you casually took a seat, leaning back like you had been mere minutes ago. 

Shouts and voices were heard down the hall. He was running out of time. He could either leave now and maybe get out, or hesitate and be dragged back into this hell.

Bucky!... Bucky, don’t leave me, please!... Don’t go! Oh god, don’t leave me here!...

You waved, gun in hand, relishing in the way his face crumpled as, completely out of options, he left you behind.

PART NINETEEN

Please let me know what you thought of this one! A reblog would make my day, so would a like or message! If you would like to be tagged in this or on my permanent tag list, please drop me an ask!

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[unfallen-angel]

Winds and Storms PT. 13

** Gif is not mine **

Masterlist  //  Part 12  //  Part 14

Pairing: Bucky x FEM!reader

WC: About 2k

Warning: Some language. Some fighting. ANGST.

Gosh I love Bucky Barnes so much. Here is the next installment. I think I’m going to wrap it up soon because I don’t want to drag it on for too long. I’m sure I’ll write a lot more Bucky and other MCU characters.

Taglist is open if you still want to be tagged in this series or any of my other posts. Please check out my master list and send me any feedback! It’s always welcome! Seriously!

Tony spends the next hour and a half tell Nick Fury about your past and how they acquired you as an asset to the team. Explaining nearly everything, but leaving out a few of the finer details. Like you being kidnapped and experimented on by H.Y.D.R.A. Those tiny details weren’t really that important, right?

Bucky stood up after Tony finished his extended lecture and cracked his knuckles loudly. “It’s obvious that y/n is not a potential threat to anyone. Can we please just get back to our normal routine and forget about all this?” His fingers grasp your shoulder and squeeze gently.

You reach up and place your fingers over his, tracing your fingertips over the cold metal hand. “I wish it were that simple,” you whisper. “What is it that you want from me?” you ask Fury directly.

“I wish it were that simple,” he repeats your words and smirks, the corner of his mouth tilting up mischievously. “I’ve heard about these...gifts that you possess. S.H.I.E.L.D. could use something like that. A power like that could be harnessed to do a lot of good in the world.”

“It could also do a lot of bad,” Steve interjected sternly. “I don’t like where this is going.” He crosses his arms across his broad chest and moves to stand in front of the door like a human shield.

“Unfortunately it’s not up to you, captain,” Fury responds calmly, his one good eye leveling on you once more. “It’s not up to you either,” he says as you open your mouth to speak. “I’ve come to collect you so we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.”

Bucky lets you go and moves to stand in front of you. The metal in his arm coming to life as the plates shift quietly. “I don’t think you’ll like where this will end up, sir,” he says and his voice is low and deadly. His shoulders are relaxed, but his stance is dangerous. You could pick out the Soldier in the way Bucky moves his head and eyes, like a predator waiting for his prey.

“Stand down, Soldier,” Fury says sternly, but nobody moves a muscle.

“She’s one of us. If you want her then you’ll have to go through all of us,” Steve states and comes to stand beside his oldest friend. “She means more to us than you’ll ever realize and we’re not going to give her up easily.”

“I’m not a piece of property! You can’t just stake a claim and then expect to fight for it like you’re fighting for my virtue! I’m not leaving this compound for a while.” You stand and all but stomp your foot for emphasis. “You can’t just come in here with this S.H.I.E.L.D. bullshit and expect me to just bow down and submit to you. I’m a human being. I stayed in hiding for all these years to keep away from people like you!” Your fingers lace with Bucky’s and Steve’s as you stand between the two super soldiers, comforted by their massive forms.

However, it still wasn’t enough.

Fury looks over your shoulder and suddenly there is a cold barrel pressing against the base of your skull. “Agent Hill will escort you out now. I was afraid this would turn ugly.”

“How the hell did she get in here?” Tony roars, outraged by the breach in security yet again. “This is ridiculous!”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. I overrode the system so you wouldn’t know who was coming or going. It should be back up within the next hour or two. No harm done.” Fury waves his gloved hand in a flourish and grabs you by the elbow. Agent Hill grabs your other arm and they both walk you out of the building like a deranged criminal. Your eyes met Bucky’s in a desperate plea, but he just watched helplessly, knowing that if he tried anything they would kill you without hesitation. He had found you once. He would find you again.

Deep in the pit of your stomach you could feel something churning. A hatred toward the situation that you found yourself in. A helplessness toward the broken look in Bucky’s eyes. An anger toward the people that treated you no better than a science experiment. The air around your form began to vibrate, to hum with an energy that was all but unfamiliar to you. It felt almost as if the energy around you was whip, coiled and ready to go, and all you had to do was let it go.

Testing the new feeling that was slowly seeping over every nerve ending in your body, you urged the air to whirl around you, causing just a slight breeze. Something that even the average person would just assume was the weather. You felt nothing like you used to. Not even a tingle of uncontrolled power. This feeling was entirely different, and it was hard to even put into words. You just knew that this power, this energy was yours and you could do whatever you wanted to do with it and it would not leave you depleted.

The whole team had followed Fury and Hill out of the compound and were voicing protests as the three of you approached the band of blacked out SUVs that they had arrived in. “I’m so sorry,” you whispered quietly to them and inhaled deeply. Agent Hill looked at you, confused, as your hair started to quiver.

“Oh shit,” you heard Nat say. “Get back. Get down. Do something because this is not going to be pretty!”

It felt as if you had drawn in all the energy from everything around you until it was coiled tightly around your entire frame, and just when it felt so tight that you were afraid you couldn’t breathe, you exhaled and the rush of energy erupted from your body. The gust knocked both Fury and Hill to the ground several feet away. They both landed with a hard thump. It rocked the SUVs to the side and the balanced on two wheels for a few moments before slamming back down on all four wheels, metal crunching as the tired bounced twice before settling.

You could tell that you had created a window for yourself to escape, but for some reason you found that you couldn’t move your feet. You were planted firmly where you stood as the energy churned and pulsated around you. Drawing close to your skin and then pushing out again. It was almost mesmerizing to watch. Willing the energy to stop, you curled your fists into tight balls, but it only seemed to make it worse.

The feeling in your stomach kept rolling. The energy around you kept churning. It felt equivalent to nearly being crushed to death by the pressure of deep sea diving, whatever that feels like. Panicked, you glance over your shoulder at Bucky and the rest of the team, but none of them made a move to come near you. Fury and Hill had also stood and were watching you closely but unwilling to approach. No one in their right mind would want to get near that massive jolt of energy.

As quickly as it started, the pulsating energy seemed to just vanish. The twisting tendrils disappeared within your body, but the feeling only intensified. You open your mouth to scream, but no sound comes out. Your hair continues to whip around your face like you’re standing in the middle of a twister. Dropping to your knees, you feel completely overwhelmed and helpless, like there was nothing else to do but surrender completely.

You realize just how wrong you had been to feel at ease with yourself. Whatever they had done to you in that base, you were far from better. Far from ever being in control of yourself. Far from being as confident as you were not even moments ago. You hear Bucky shout your name over and over as the feeling overwhelms you, the pressure crushing you all the way down to your soul.

And then it’s over. In a blinding flash of light and tremendous roll  of thunder, all the energy you had absorbed shot out of your body and leveled everything in front of you. Fury and Hill jumped to the side as the rocket shot past them. The SUVs were gone, nothing left but a few bits of crumpled steel and a large crater where they used to be parked. It was a massive blow that you hadn’t even meant to do.

Bucky shouts your name once more as he surges forward to get to you. No one else moves. They’re too shocked to do anything other than blink at the destruction before them. “Are you hurt?” Bucky pants as he drops to his knees in front of you.

You look up at him, tears staining your dusty cheeks, and just shake your head. Unable to find the words. To find any words for that matter. You couldn’t even fathom what you had just done.

Murder.

That is what you had just done.

The word repeats itself over and over in your mind and all the feelings resurfaced from your childhood. Every accident. Every mishap. Every death. All your fault, and there was nothing that you could ever do about it. Just like now. There was nothing you could do about it.

Bucky reaches out and takes you in his arms, resting his cheek against your hair. He inhales deeply and then lets it out. It almost sounds like he’s relieved, but how can he be? Had he not seen what you had done? Of course he had.

You pull out of his grasp and stumble to your feet. “Don’t touch me,” you gasp. “Don’t come near me.”

“Don’t say that, doll. You wouldn’t hurt me. It’s okay now. You’re safe. I’m sure we can fix this.” Bucky holds out his large hand, pleading you to take it, but there is fear in his eyes. He knows you’re going to run. It’s what you always do. It’s what he always did.

You laugh bitterly. “Fix it? I almost just leveled the compound and I couldn’t stop it! I can’t do this. I thought that whatever H.Y.D.R.A. did they somewhat fixed me. I thought maybe Shuri had fixed me, but I am far from fixed! I can’t even trust myself now! At least before I knew what I was capable of. This!” you sweep your arms out in a large gesture. “I can’t live in fear of doing this to anyone else. I killed those people, Bucky! I killed them. For no reason! AND I COULDN’T STOP!” you shout between broken sobs. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry!”

You retreat further into your shell as you continue to back away from Bucky and the rest of the team, who had started to approach warily. Bucky’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as he nodded once, understanding. It hurt like hell, but he understood. He didn’t like it, but he understood.

You want to run to him. To bury yourself in his strong arms and never let go. To get lost in his soft, tender kisses. To feel his lips on yours just once more, but you can’t. You can’t risk killing anyone else. “I love you, James,” you whisper sorrowfully and take off, sprinting from the compound without a backward glance. And they let you go. No one dared come after you.

“I love you too,” He whispered and gasps quietly, choking back a broken sob.

Tears flow freely down your cheeks as you replay Bucky’s heartbroken expression. How he reached for you even after you pulled away. How he whispered ‘I love you’ as you sprinted away.

There was nothing to do now but run. And so you ran. You ran from the fear, the anger, the love, the heartache, the good, the bad. You just ran to get away from it all, but you knew deep down that he would find you. He would always find you.

And that little sliver of hope was all you needed to push yourself forward.

TAGLIST:  @ivartheblessed @hadesgirl1015 @yafriendlyfangirl @slender–spirit @imasxbstxn @laisbeltrans @glassheartandconcreteflowers

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S1 Ep 31: Bandit Keith Decides To Make Minimal Effort

I just finished showing my bro Legion, (it was nice of FX to make a really lovely, very adult, live action gritty Yugioh-without-the-cards so we never have to make one) and I was like “So, which Egyptian Shadow King would win in a fight--the anime one or the Aubrey Plaza one?” because I know so little about Yugioh and about the more obscure parts of the Marvel Universe so this paradox doesn’t bother me, and because I know it would bother my brother a whole lot. Needless to say, Steve-o ranted for like 15 straight minutes, going back and forth between Pharaoh and Farouk, and ultimately deciding that we just can’t ever say, because Pharaoh rarely seems to use his full potential because he just doesn’t ever need to or maybe has forgotten how. What a cop out answer.

And so, on that line of doing the bare minimum effort required to succeed despite being a very powerful dude, we have a Bandit Keith episode.

Last we left it, Yugi’s duel is over and Pegasus makes some little golf claps of approval. I’m still not sure if the commonly accepted applause of Duel Monsters would be more like a golf/chess match clap or not, because it feels like Yugi’s friends are always overly loud about their applause while everyone else just kinda glares at them. That may be mostly because there’s only like 4 voice actors.

(read more under the cut)

Like all of Yugi’s very overbearing friends, Tristan fights to be the most overbearing of them all, by basically putting him in a handhold and listing all the nightmares that could go wrong, much like when my Mother dropped me off at camp for the first time.

I don’t know why Tristan didn’t think to check his pockets to make sure Joey has the ticket because that’s what you need to do every 3 minutes when watching children, but whatevs.

This episode I got to get a really good gander at the worst choice in hallway colors I’ve seen in my life.

I get that this horrible orange is supposed to be unsettling, because this whole dueling segment is unsettling for our characters. I just hate this combo an awful lot. This orange with that grayed blue and that dark gray purple is sort of like when you bit down on your silverware by accident.

Anyway, Joey has a lot to say to Yugi in front of the worst choice of orange backdrop, just so it can burn my retinas forever.

So, they pinky swear that they’re still friends no matter what, although honestly, why would they need to duel? It’s already been clarified that dueling Yugi carries kind of of a russian roulette risk to it, and Joey only wants second place for the prize money and Yugi needs first place to resurrect 3 people so like...whatever. I’m thinking too much again. I gotta go turn that brain right off.

I can’t believe my joke of Keith taking a nap for the past two episodes was secretly canon. Genuinely surprised he was able to sleep over Yugi’s panic attack but like...maybe that’s just white noise at this point because it happens so often?

Why do so many blondes call eachother blondes? I used to be a blonde. This is a thing and I don’t get it.

Will they figure out that the BANDIT Kieth BANDITed their card?

N-no of course not, because this is Joey and they automatically assume he’s lost it because he’s just kind of bad everything else. Despite the fact that Bandit has told them outright that he’s going to do whatever it takes to win, despite the fact that Keith has tried to kill them once and stole all the star chips he used to get into this castle--they do not ever once suspect him because they are so certain that Joey has screwed it. It’s...fine.

Joey is given five minutes to find his card. I’m pretty sure it took more than five minutes of show time for him to do this but whatever.

PS they never show him checking the dining room although he clearly talks about running straight there.

Meanwhile, Keith is getting comfortable.

How did he sleep in this position???

Who’s massive bottle of pills is this!? What ARE they?

Yugi very seriously considers giving Joey his card. He ends up slowly putting the card back into his pocket and hoping no one noticed that.

It has just occurred to me that I haven’t put “Meanwhile” on any of these title cards so...forgive me if that’s confusing. Like Bandit Keith, I’ve been having insomnia like you can’t believe so I’ve been a *little* forgetful. Luckily this episode is pretty simple to follow.

Anyways, Mai is here to save the day for the third time to give them whatever thingy they lost that she had ample leftovers of. Mai has been the true hero of this season. Mai should have totally won this whole season, had she not been a muggle.

Anyways, time for this gross handkerchief trope, still going strong in the year 2000.

(he does not use it)

And then there she goes, into the ether--to resurface again when we desperately need something; their acidic, rude guardian angel.

Anyways, equipped with a card he strides back in to the room.

This is the crazy smile of someone who has never seen you do anything right in your entire life and is absolutely certain they will never witness this moment ever again.

He does not say “Mai gave me this card” because Mai does not need credit on this show apparently. Anyways, so they duel, but it turns out that Mr Bandit has been paying some attention to the majority of the room and so he’s made a deck mostly suited for fighting Pegasus and Yugi--youknow, the magicians.

Bandit Keith’s deck is basically different takes on Metal Gear. Lots of traps. Also, a VERY weird face wipe.

Usaully Yugioh duels are an artistic experiment into face wipes. I don’t know if any other show I’ve watched has really tried to push the envelope into face wipe theory. Almost as if the people drawing this got HELLA BORED and were like “If I do another normal face wipe I will set this place on fire” and so this happened:

LOOK AT THIS FACE WIPE

There’s a lot to take away from here--other than the fact that Joey’s monster is wearing a very tiny breast plate bra, the littlest helmet, and little else. Firstly, the fact that they wanted to make a perfect flower-petal arrangement from Joey and his monster out to Yugi--but ran out of space and so squished Tristan like 3 inches shorter than everyone else. The fact that they shrunk the necklace so we get a little bit of that eyeball so Pharaoh can be like “I’m here too!” The fact that it isn’t lined up with the bottom of the screen for some reason so we got a little lip there that is just hanging.

And here I thought they couldn’t give me a weirder face wipe than the one that had like 8 people in it a few weeks back. This here...they’ve set a real high bar for themselves as far as weird face wipes go.

Anyways, next week, on Yugioh:

Does Bandit Keith just fall asleep in the middle of his next turn because he clearly has narcolepsy? Does Joey accidentally drop his brand new ticket card down the bottomless chasm by accident? Will Mai get back to the boat and steal Rex’s room again the exact same way as she did last time?

[toogoodmusic]

THE TOO GOOD TEN with OLIVIA KING

Up-and-coming pop/soul artist Olivia King is the complete package - singer, songwriter and entrepreneur. Since her first official release in 2017 the Rhode Island born singer has racked up over 5 million streams on Spotify alone, has received placement on Spotify’s convented New Music Friday, been placed in campaign for Netflix’s Stranger Things, made the cover image of Tidal’s Rising: Pop placement, has started two businesses and so much more - and the exciting thing is that she’s just getting started! Never slowing down, her latest release - “Number 1″ marks her 8th release of 2021 alone and she’s already promising more music to come. Lucky for Too Good Music, King took some time out of her current world takeover to take on the latest Too Good Ten. Learn more about this straight-up boss, her latest single, what her experience on The Voice was like, the story behind her self-proclaimed title of “your friendly singing cat lady” and so much more. Full interview below:

The Too Good Ten. Ten Questions. One Artist. Too Good. Let’s go.

1. Let’s start from the beginning – what was it about music that you were so drawn to? When did you decide that you wanted to make a career out of it? 

OLIVIA KING: I was always drawn to music as a kid. Constantly singing and putting on shows for my family! My freshman year of college was when I realized that I could make this into a career if I put my mind to it.

2. You started writing your own music at age 17 – do you remember the first song you wrote? What was the most surprising thing to learn about songwriting? 

OK: I honestly don’t remember the first ever song I wrote but the first official song I co-wrote and released was called “In My Head.” I always had a love for songwriting but got really confident with it by the end of college. Songwriting really is about doing it over and over. You really need to write 100 songs to get even 1 that has potential to be a “hit.”

3. At age 19 you auditioned for “The Voice” and made it through two rounds. What was that experience like? Looking back, is there anything you’ve changed about your audition or song selection? 

OK: It was a pretty cool experience. I’m not sure I would do it again but was definitely a fun time! Looking back, I would have really made my song choice super different and put my own spin on a super popular song while also focusing on making my “look” a little more unique!

4. Congrats on the recent release of “Number 1!” What’s the inspiration behind the song? What’s your favorite lyric(s) in the song? 

OK: I very rarely write about my current relationship. I’ve been in a healthy relationship for going on 9 years now and thought it was time to give credit where credit is due, ha! In past relationships, I never felt like a priority but in my current relationship with my now fiancé, he has ALWAYS made me feel like his first priority and I can’t tell you how awesome that feels. So this one is a little ode to him, always making me feel like “Number 1!”

5. In celebration of your song “Number 1” let’s see your number 1 pick (or favorite) for each category below:

a. Celebrity Crush: Chris Brown b. Ice Cream Flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip c. Drink At The Bar: Water with lemon (ha-ha, I don’t drink!) d. Vacation Spot: Disney e. Animal You Wish You Could Have As A Pet: Monkey f. Piece Of Advice You’ve Gotten: “If someone tells you ‘no,’ ask someone else.” - My Grandfather g. Song You Wish You Would’ve Written:  “Here” - Alessia Cara h. Favorite Part of Your Hometown: Living close to the ocean! i. Thing To Do When You’re Not Working: Thrift shopping!

6. As an artist and growing up with social media, how do you balance the obligation as an artist to constantly post while not letting it affect your mental health? Anything you’d like to see change about social media in the future? 

OK: Honestly, I post when and what I want to post. I do feel a bit of pressure to stay consistent because there is a direct correlation to how often I post and how successful my career is. I’ve learned to love it and see the positives in it instead of looking at it as a bad thing. It’s important for my mental health to only follow people who post things that make me feel happy or confident or entertained! If someone is posting something that doesn’t serve me, I unfollow. Simple! The one thing I’d love to change about social media is Instagram to go back to chronological order instead of them choosing what we want to see. If I follow someone, I WANT TO SEE THEIR POSTS! LOL!

7. You describe yourself in your IG bio as “Your Friendly Singing Cat Lady” – how did you gain that title? In a world where money and space wasn’t an issue – what would be your ideal number of cats to own? 

OK: OMG HAHA!!! Probably would like just 1 or 2 more! Probably two boys to balance out the two girls I have lol. That title is definitely self-proclaimed ha-ha! I just want people to know off the bat, that my account shouldn’t be taken too seriously. I will answer just about everyone’s (nice) dm’s and want people to know that we can be friends! I don’t want to be seen as this unreachable artist. I love connecting with my supporters through social media!

8. In addition to being an artist you also are the CEO of Make Music Moves – an online course aimed at helping independent artists find major success. What was the inspiration to start this company and pursue this awesome mission? What has been the most popular course so far? 

OK: MMM has been put on the back burner for the past year or so as other things have just taken the spotlight! I’m hoping to resurface it soon. I created this course so that I could directly help and lead other artists to success as I never had a mentor in the business. Recently, I’ve focused my efforts on my own music career and have really grown my Influencer Marketing Agency, A-List Me with my fiancé. We are hoping to intertwine this with music soon and can’t wait to show people what we have up our sleeve!

9. If you could only listen to (5) artists for the rest of your life, who would they be?

Frank Sinatra

Ariana Grande

J. Cole

Lauryn Hill

Beyonce

10. What’s the rest of 2021 look like for Olivia King? 

OK: A LOT OF MUSIC! I’ve made it a point this year, to release as much music as humanly possible lol!

Shout-out and thank you to the talented Olivia King for joining the latest Too Good Ten! Be sure to follow along to keep updated with all that upcoming music by checking out the links below:

Facebook

Instagram

TikTok

Website

YouTube

[safitheartist]

Star vs the forces of Evil is doing what LOK tried to do. But not half assed.

So, legend of Kora. Love it or hate it. I think we all can agree on one thing. Their whole love triangle thingy fucking sucked and made some of their characters seem pretty unsufferable at times.

I personally hate this kind of stories with a great passion and instantly lose a lot of interest if I hear something like it is involved.

So how come Star vs the forces of evil managed to pull of a love triangle (?) Without fucking pissing me(and a majority of their fanbase from what I can tell) off?

Well for starters, they have one clear rule. Their characters aren't fucking assholes.

Let me elaborate, in LOK when Kora had a crush on Mako in season one and he was dating Asami Korra tried to break them up.

That made Korra pretty unlikeable for me personally for a while. Not because she was jealous, but because she lacked the respect for both Mako and Asami and their feelings.

Then Mako started developing feelings for Korra, and started neglecting Asami and hurting her feelings. He also never tells her about the kiss he shared with Kora.

It's not the fact that Mako's feelings changed that is the issue here but that he was dismissive and ignorant of Asami's feelings and lied to her.

Then Mako and Kora started dating but their relationship was really disfunctional, they break up and Mako and Asami kiss while Kora was missing. Both confused due to recent events and their lingering feelings. However, Kora reapears and doesn't remember their break up. And Mako is too chicken to tell her the truth.

Mako really didn't benefit from these storylines.

After that stuff went a lot smoother with Korasami being the target of the show now. However it still was pretty annoying and the show itself had to call themselves out on it during their show recap.

All of their actions were fuled by Jealousy, confusion and attraction,

However their motivation doesn't justify their behavior and it was honestly hard to believe that those guys would really stay friends in a believable scenario.

I'm not saying Kora was a bad show in it's entirety, it was flawed but enjoyable, especially in it's later seasons, but that's honestly something they should have cut out of their show entirely.

Now lets look at Star vs the forces of evil and see how they handled their love triangle thingy.

We start off pretty good, Marco has had a long time crush on Jackie and Star is very supportive of him. Star herself has a rather superficial crush on Oscar. There is also her ex boyfriend Tom who is trying to get back together with her but he doesn't get really relevant until later. Star and Marco's friendship grows without any romantic implications and only vague hints twoards their feelings for one another.

Then Marco finally starts presuing Jackie more seriously. They start dating and Star get jealous but is still in denial. She tries to be supportive but ends up doing something stupid, spying on them with a dark spell. That has bad consequences. Instantly. She is still in denial at that point and tries her best to be supportive of Marco's and Jackie's relationship until she finally realizes her actual feelings, which have been there from pretty much the start, however she doesn't tell Marco because she doesn't want to make things weird between them and between him and Jackie. But then she needs to leave earth and decided that she didn't want to leave with a lie standing between her and Marco.

Star valued and respected Marco and Jackie. She never once did something to intentionally harm their relationship and when she did do something toxic she instantly suffered consequences. With LOK a lot of their characters didn't suffer the consequences of their actions until several episodes later or not at all. That made forgiving said characters a lot harder. Svtfoe often presents characters who misbehave with consequences to their actions in the same episode they committed said. Tom for example also instantly got frozen(literally) for lashing out on Marco during the blood moon ball and got called out when he tried to manipulate Star into getting back together with him he gets called out, realizes his mistake and apologizes and guess what, Star does not instantly forgive him. His actions have consequences and he has to make a genuine effort to make things okay again.

Anyway, back on course. The battle for Mewnie happened and Marco has to go back home, leaving without his hoodie because Star stole it. She starts acting obsessivly and kinda creepy. Ponny head calls her out (with little success) but then she realizes her mistake herself as she realizes she threatened the laundry knight over a stupid hoodie which smells like her crush.

She sents the hoodie back to Marco and tries to concentrate on being a better princess and make up for the damage her actions in the past few month has caused.

Then she meets Tom during the silver bell dance where said ignores her. She gets mad and tries calling him out but it turns out he actually had her best interest in mind, believing she was with Marco now due to the events during Song day.

He said he finally understood she wasn't into him and was giving her space, respecting both her and Marco in extension.

That is rewarded as Star discovers resurfacing feelings for him and finally considers giving him another chance. Yes they argued shortly before but that was due to both being confused and overwhelmed by the situation. Neither was hurting the other intentionally nor was it really something either of them were responsible for there was just a lot of mis communication going on.

Then she realizes Tom really is making an effort to change himself and that he is doing it for himself and not to gain her back. Again, that is rewarded and Star and him get back together.

Seeing a pattern? Toxic behavior is punished while healthy behavior is rewarded.

Honestly, the writers know exactly who their target audience is and tries really hard to completely smash the 'everything is allowed in love and war' narrative so many shows followed before.

It's the same is going on on Marco's side really (however this post is getting too long so I'm not gonna list it)

All of these characters experience similar situations and emotions as the LOK characters, however they understand (or learned to understand) that romantic feelings don't give you a exuse to disrespect the feelings and relationships of others (yet along lowkey cheat on your partner and then lie to them!!!). Yes love is confusing. Yes sometimes you do stupid stuff because you are confused and jealous. No your actions were not justified and you have to carry the consequences.

However, at the same time it's alright to make mistakes at times as long as you truly are trying to better yourself and learn from your mistakes.

If you feel like you have issues try searching professional help.

It's okay to ask for advice too talking with friends and family can help you a lot.

Honesty and communication is a key to a relationship both if it is romantic or platonic.

All of these messages are conveyed in that subplot. You see what's going on? They are using a love triangle and actually are doing something meaningful with it! Which is honestly awesome!

[ladydracarysao3]

#metoo

Alright, so I was inspired by another blogger on here to get into more detail about what happened (and then some). She used the term ‘triggered’ about what this hashtag thing has done to her, and I completely agree. Things I thought were long in the past and dealt with have been resurfacing and haunting me, but I am in no way interested in sharing the #metoo on facebook or twitter or any of that.

Below the cut are the 2 main heavy-hitters of past sexual harassment and assault experiences. They are not the only men, unfortunately, but no one has time for all of the skeletons in this closet. These are the stories of the first offender and the ‘worst’ offender. So be warned about that, and feel free to not read any of this. I think this is just some bizarro therapy so that maybe these stories will stop haunting my mind while this hashtag thing is going on.

Ryan.

When I was 12 years old, I was hanging out with my male cousin who was more like a brother. One of his older brother’s friends was with us and we were reading through an email chain and giggling about it. It was a list of pick-up lines. I was 12, my cousin was 14, and this other kid, Ryan, was 16. Ryan then took this silly thing and made it personal by staring at me and asking if he could wear my thighs as earmuffs. I didn’t even really know what that meant, but it made me scared and I just froze. My cousin then said, “hey man, that’s my cousin,” and the game was over.

Two years later I was on AOL IM (I’m really dating myself with these references) and the older cousin was chatting with me about how he and his girlfriend had just been kissing. I told him that I’d never been kissed. Low and behold, that 16 year old from 2 years ago starts messaging me. I’m now 14 and he’s 18 and about to start college. He starts telling me how he wants to be my first kiss. From that point on, we were talking a lot. Everyone in the family knew we were buddies, but he had a girlfriend and no one seemed to suspect anything more. I liked having the attention of this older and really cute guy, and since he lived 5 hours away something felt safe about it at first.

It didn’t take long before his need or obsession with being my first kiss turned into an obsession with taking my virginity. He talked about how he wanted to watch the movie Kids with me and have sex while the first scene played. If you don’t know, that was an NC-17 movie from the 90s where in the first scene an older boy fucks a really young virgin and then leaves, talking about how he only likes virgins.    Charming.  

Ryan talked me into doing things like scanning my panties and emailing them to him. I hated it. It made me feel dirty and awful, but he wouldn’t stop asking until I relented. He also talked about me...bottling my juices...and mailing it to him. He was a disgusting creature. OH and I forgot to mention, he was the son of my grandmother’s best friend.

He was away at college when I went to visit my family that fall. He said he was going to come home and we’d have sex in his van after he gave me alcohol to relax me...but he had car trouble, or maybe he was all talk, I have no idea, but he didn’t show up, thank god.

I was in way over my head and had no one I thought I could talk to. I was very active on the internet (shocker) and decided to write to one of my online friends. I told him all about Ryan’s plans and how they didn’t happen, and I wasn’t sure what to think. I left my email account logged into the family computer and while I was at school, my mom found that email.

When I came home, she sat me down, fully expecting me to freak out and demand I be able to keep talking to Ryan. But when she told me what she read the email and that I was to no longer talk to him, I was so relieved that it was over that I thanked her and hugged her.

She told my Aunt about it, who told her sons, and last I knew, when Ryan tried to come around to hang out with them and their friends, they shunned him and walked away. I remember feeling shocked that they ostracized him for me, but also loved. It meant a lot.

Chris.

22 years old. Fresh out of a 4 year engagement with an emotionally manipulative piece of work. He didn’t make this list because it would definitely turn into a novel. Anyway, I’m living in an apartment, technically with a roommate, but he decided to join the Marines and was away at boot camp, so I was living alone for the first time in my life. Dating sites were starting to be a thing then, and I was on the free ones. I was wild. I had been in an unhappy, oppressive relationship, and when I got out I felt free, and dead inside, and self destructive.

Through one of these dating sites, Chris found me. I knew his name was Chris, he was 35, and I knew he was a police officer in the area, and that’s all I knew. He made sure of that. He bugged me and bugged me, but that fact that he was a cop didn’t sit well with me so I evaded him for months. Finally he pleads to just have one date with him and go from there. Said things like, “If you smoke pot or something and you’re worried about being busted, I don’t care about that. I just want to meet you.”

I relented, and we had plans for a date. I didn’t know much about him, which made me nervous, but he said it was only because he met a girl once that ended up being crazy and would call his station all the time, so he wanted to make sure I was cool before he told me anything else. (red. fucking. flag.)

One afternoon before our date, he texted me and said he was off duty and wanted to know if I’d be interested in meeting up now, so we could get over the first meeting jitters before the big date night. I was a little weirded out by it, and he said he was in my neighborhood, and well...I was really fucking nervous, but I said okay. Soon after, he’s at my door. I turned on the TV and we sat on the couch. I told him I didn’t believe the cop thing, since he was so secretive about what station he worked for, and he showed me his badge. Then things got scary.

Instead of just talking for a little bit, her started pushing me around. I was sitting on the end of the couch with my knees to my chest and he pulled at me legs and ripped them open and tried to touch me. I kept kicking him off and telling him no, but he kept attacking me. It was terrifying. He was stringer than me. We were alone, and he wouldn’t stop. I got away and told him to leave, and then he changed his tactics. He followed me through the apartment, apologizing and refusing to leave. He became more gentle and kissed me... and told me how badly I wanted it, if I would just give in.

I was scared. He wasn’t leaving. But he wasn’t being violent anymore, and I didn’t want that to return. I told him no, to please just go a few more times and he continued to kiss me and touch me and tell me how much I wanted it. What I wanted was for it to be over. Eventually, I undressed for him, he writhed hi sweaty, grunting body on top of me for a few minutes, and then he left.

I felt so used. So stupid for letting him in my home in the first place. And so fucking confused. I still thought we were going to have that date after that.... it wasn’t until his communication vanished that I realized what really happened, and what I gave into.

I felt so stupid. I felt like a whore. I hated myself. I didn’t even know that was rape until I shared a little bit of it with my mom during a road trip. She told me I was raped, and it all made sense. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had a first name, that could have been - and probably was - a fake name, and a flash of a badge. I’ve tried to find him on rosters or social media, but never did. I was ashamed of letting him in my house. I was ashamed of letting him attack me. I was ashamed of letting him win. I ultimately just wanted to forget it.

About a year later, I found my now husband - on the internet! We played WoW together for months before I ever new what he looked like. I fell for him before I knew his name. By this point we were living together, and I was finally in the most stable, loving, and perfect relationship I had ever known. I was healing from all of the shit I had been put through; being stalked my my Ex and threatened with his assault rifle; being used and abused by men over and over and over. I was finding my happiness and my husband was helping me. Then one day, I get a text from Chris. He has some bullshit story about being in Iraq as security for a year and wants to see me again. I can’t remember what I said, but I told him off. And that was that. I was glad to have the chance to tell him what a creep he was, and I stored the story away. Moved on. Until this hashtag.

I don’t know how to end this other than that. I could write a book and how I was treated by men since I was 12 years old, and how I kept coming back for more. How they made me feel worthless to the point of almost killing myself. How for some reason a man’s approval, no matter how awful he was, was more important to me than my own for a very very long time.

Now, I am in a stable relationship with a man who treats me like his queen and his partner. He is everything I ever wanted and never thought I deserved. I still deal with issues sometimes of thinking I’m not good enough for him, that he deserves better than this sack of crazy that he married. But He helps me through that.

He helped me save myself from the hellscape my emotions were, and he is so supportive when I revert back to bad days and hard times dealing with people and life.

We are expecting our first child and I was relieved to find out he’s a boy. I was terrified of the idea of raising a girl and the idea that she might be put in situations like I had been while growing up. The landscape is so much different now, it’s so much easier for predators to get into young girls heads. If I do end up with a daughter down the road, I hope I can raise her to be strong, to say no, and to come to me no matter what.

But I was relieved that I have the chance to raise a man who will not do these things. I want to raise a man who will respect everyone he comes in contact with, who will never dream of hurting someone, and who will have the courage to stick up for himself and others in the event that wrong is being done.

[melmothblog]

Ask Responses: MISC

Dear Melmoth, Olga Makarova is not in Novosibirsk anymore (not listed on NOVAT site). Do you know, by any chance, where she went? Thanks!

Hmmm. I have no idea. I tried looking into it but have so far come up with nothing. I’m sure she’ll resurface somewhere soon. 

What do you think about the Tartar State Opera and Ballet Theatre in terms of opportunities for Alexandra?

I don’t know anything about that place. It’s a regional theatre though, so a top VBA graduate who was good enough to be hired by the Mariinsky should rise through the ranks pretty quickly.

Has the Bolshoi posted their livestream from world ballet day?I can't find it anywhere and really want to see it!

They have. I’ve posted the link here.

I watched the Bolshoi ballet day video. I loved the class, and Eleonora's and Alena's rehearsals, but the rehearsal of the corps at the end made me wince. I don't understand Russian, but the tone and gestures of the guy running the rehearsal seemed agressive and abusive.

I’ve seen people complain about Vaziev’s (that’s who the man is) behaviour in rehearsal, and I only have this to say: he shouldn’t be yelling at these guys, he should fire them. He shouldn’t be wasting his time and effort on a bunch who, despite being seasoned Bolshoi dancers, are utterly incapable of turning their feet out, being in sync, or following basic instructions. People also seem to ignore how patient and polite Vaziev is with the new recruits like Chino or Gerashchenko in that very same rehearsal. How he takes time to take them aside and calmly explain what they’re doing wrong. I’ve seen lots of footage of Vaziev in rehearsal and I’ve read many of his interviews: he’s very tough but very fair. Precisely what the person in charge of the Bolshoi needs to be.

Hi! You have such a wide interest & knowledge about ballet and art, I can see it also on Instagram, and you talk about your research experience, then I wonder: how old are you? If my question is not unpolite, of course!

It’s not impolite to ask. I just prefer to keep that kind of info private. Let’s just say I’m old enough to have received a university education and have had some work experience. 

What do you think of Alexei Ratmansky? How was he regarded when he was director of the Bolshoi?

He’s a good choreographer but the fact that he’s considered a modern genius irks me. The word “genius” has become trivialised to a ridiculous extent. No artist can be recognised as a genius within their lifetime. Their work must stand the test of time and its significance must be recognised by several generations before the creator is honoured with that title.

The dancers’ dislike for Ratmasky during his reign at the Bolshoi is very well-documented. He was a bad manager. As Maria Alexandrova pointed out this was because Ratmansky didn’t really want to manage the theatre, he just wanted to choreograph and stage new productions. He was the wrong man for the job.

d i s c l a i m e r