#first is from ep 611

[jake-is-screaming-in-tune]

[buddiebeginz]

For everyone hoping and or expecting there to be something huge in the mid season finale on Thursday and who will feel let down and upset if there's not I wanted to point out some things.

First of all Tim just came back in s7 and it was a shortened season. I know we all had issues with how that season was handled but I also think Tim had a lot to figure out for having just come back to show. He was bringing 911 to a new network had only 10 eps to tell the entire seasons stories in. It was also a rather important season considering it was where they finally had Buck come out and where the pieces were finally being put into motion for Buddie to happen eventually (like in episode 704).

But I also think a lot of stuff Tim wanted to do in s7 he didn't get to and instead carried it over to s8 where he felt he had more time. The majority of 8a was spent closing out storylines that started in s7. What people have to realize is that a lot of this likely would have been the second half of season 7 had that been a full season. Now going into 8b I expect to see more focus put on Eddie's coming out and more movement towards Buddie happening.

None of this means that the mid season finale will necessarily be a huge ep or have a nde or have Eddie come out or Buddie kiss or anything like that. This ep may be pretty similar to the one we saw last week especially because like some have pointed out Tim and the others may have been expecting 809 to be the mid season finale not 808. And besides that 911's mid season finales have rarely been these huge events. Those were usually saved for other eps.

---------------------------------

S1 -

shortened season - no mid season finale

no real NDE's although you could say the plane disaster was one for Bobby

S2 -

210 - mid season finale - It's revealed that Chim's friend is Doug

*2b*

211/212/213 - Chim begins/ Doug attacks Chim and takes Maddie

217 - Shannon dies car accident

218 - Buck NDE truck bombing

S3 -

302/303 - Buck and Chris NDE tsunami

308 - Hen NDE car accident (a few eps before mid season finale)

Bobby radiation exposure 309 (one ep before mid season finale)

310 - mid season ep - Michael cancer diagnosis

*3b*

314 - dispatch center/Maddie held hostage

315 - Eddie NDE well

317 - Athena NDE r*pist

S4 -

shortened season because of Covid no mid season finale

405 - Buck NDE fire

409 - Albert NDE car accident

413/414 - Eddie NDE shooting

S5 -

506 - Buddie kidnapping

508 - Hospital (where David worked) fire

510 - mid season ep Eddie leaves the 118

*5b*

513 - Eddie breakdown

516 - dispatch fire

517 - Hen/Chim - NDE - jonah

S6 -

Mid season ep - Bobby's sponsor dying

*6b*

610/611 - Buck NDE lightning strike

618 - 118 NDE bridge collapse

S7 -

shortened season - no mid season finale

701-703 - Bathena NDE - cruise ship disaster

708-710 Bathena NDE - Cartel/Fire

S8 -

802/803 - Athena NDE plane emergency

805 - Denny NDE

---------------------------------

Looking at the way 911 has structured it's seasons in the past it's far more likely that if we're going to get a nde for Buddie or one of them we're going to get it later in the season and not at the mid season. We could get a more surprising moment like we've seen in the past like with Eddie leaving the 118 but like I said before I think it's highly probable that 808 wasn't meant to even be the season finale so a more shocking or surprising moments might not even be until 809 when the show comes back.

I just really think we all need to take a look how the show operates and prepare ourselves so we're not too let down. Also as much as I love coming up with theories and love listening to theories everyone else comes up with I feel like it's become a habit lately in our fandom for some people to get everyone excited and expecting certain things from the show. Then when the show doesn't deliver every single episode people are left feeling angry. This isn't just the fault of the people talking about their theories it's a fandom issue in general I think. I wish our fandom would just be more realistic going into each ep and not so quick to turn on the show if expectations aren't met immediately.

I 100% believe Eddie is going to come out and Buddie is happening. I've been watching the show for years and things have never been as close to Buddie canon as they are now but that doesn't mean it will happen instantly. Everything that's being shown and said (in interviews) is telling us that the show is playing the long game. We have to be patient and wait for them to get there, which I know can be really frustrating, trust me I've been waiting for Buddie's love story to be canon for what feels like forever. I think we will see more movement in Eddie and Buddie's story this season but maybe not this episode coming.

----

I also think it's important that we show our love for the show and the people who work on it more. I feel like a lot of the stuff I see out of our fandom lately is pretty negative. I'm not saying it's not warranted or that I don't do my own share too (I was talking just the other day on twitter about my issues with Athena's storylines) but I also can't help to think of how Oliver and Ryan and the others must feel. Imagine working really hard on something and then going online to see how the audience feels about it and the predominate reaction is about how awful the episode was. I definitely believe it's possible to love 911 (and any media really) and still be critical of it at times but I also think sometimes our fandom focuses too much on what we're not getting from the show and less on what we are.

We are incredibly lucky to have two amazing actors who put such love and care into playing Buck and Eddie and who have always been supportive of our ship. We're lucky that pretty much everyone involved with 911 (minus maybe KR) seems to be supportive of Buddie happening because trust me that's not common among a lot of other non canon queer ships. We're lucky that Buck has finally come out and that all signs are pointing towards Eddie coming out too. We're lucky that the show is even still on the air because it was seriously on the brink of being canceled before abc picked it up. If it had been not only would we have no chance of Buddie but Buck would never have come out and both men would have ended their run on the show with those lackluster partners. And speaking of lackluster partners we're lucky that Tim got rid of Tommy. I know he could have done it sooner but he also could have kept him around longer. I think some of you need to realize that making Buddie a reality is still a risk for the show and for abc. Having another main come out is still risky but they seem ready to take the risk.

Sorry this post got so long. I just had a lot of thoughts with the new ep coming and seeing everyone already prepared to be upset about it. Let's just go into this ep with limited expectations and be happy we get to go into a hiatus for the first time in a while without b/t being a thing. Thanks if you taken the time to read all of this. ❤️

[matan4il]

Buddie 611 meta

I LOVED that the ep showed us how Eddie wasn’t doing compressions on Buck because someone instructed him to. No, he just couldn’t stand by, couldn't let someone else try to bring his partner back to life, so he announced he was taking over, fuck anyone who would try to stop him. No one even tries to, they wordlessly acknowledge Eddie as Buck's mad with worry partner, much like how in 315, the team treated Buck while Eddie was in danger. And then Eddie shocks Buck’s heart back and gets his pulse going again. Eddie literally kept Buck’s heart going, and then he was still so distraught that he yelled at the medical staff (even though as a medic, he knows it’s pointless), “Do more!” 'Coz that’s what Eddie himself was doing, he stepped in and did more than he was asked to, a continuation of us having seen him doing exactly that in 610 as well, when he didn’t wait for Bobby to decide what to do to help Buck, Eddie charged up an electrocuted ladder he was just thrown off of. Because when it comes to Buck, he will always do more. ~~

The significance of the bond between them is also shown when Eddie is the first flashback Buck experiences within the coma dream, the first lifeline to the real world. That’s continued when the second flashback is to the tsunami, where Buck saved Chris. However, Eddie and Chris aren't quite present in these flashbacks. Buck’s subconscious is at war with itself. The Diaz boys are this powerful connection to the real world (much like Buck and Chris were Eddie’s back in 315, as I tried to demonstrate in this gifset), but the coma dream shows the power of childhood trauma and how much we can be trapped by the desire to fix it. The whole dream contrasts Buck having parents who are loving, who want and appreciate him, with everything bad that would happen if he weren’t with the 118. As the dream goes on, the price keeps getting higher, yet Buck still struggles until the very end with letting go of the illusion that his parents love him, and the sense he himself can be fixed if they do, like he’d then finally feel good enough. That’s why, in a sense, Eddie and Chris have to be more absent than present for the coma dream to be seductive. Because if they’re fully present, if he truly engages with their coma versions and remembers the family unit he has outside the dream, the balance would be tipped over, the battle would have been decided before Buck had a chance to learn his lesson.

That’s why he only hears what happened to Eddie, he doesn’t witness it firsthand, and why when the dream's seductive nature is failing, suddenly Chris is there (despite his coma version not being in LA) to tempt Buck into staying. Even then, walking away from the dream version of Chris while telling him that he’s not real is the only thing Buck says he'll always feel guilty about. ~~ 

I just gotta include a small note here on how much I love the progression we’ve had from Bobby saying in 101 that while Buck calls him “pops,” they’re not a family, through Buck telling TK aloud that Bobby’s basically his dad (in the crossover) to Bobby finally admitting this is true for him as well. I’ve pointed out this season repeatedly (like in my 610 meta) that the show’s dealing with questions of fatherhood, including the question of biology in that context, and this ep was no different, yet this truly was one of the highlights for me when it comes to this theme. I love how much Buck and Bobby mean to each other. ~~ 

Buck’s mom saying “your kids” and Buck being confused until she clarifies it’s not his actual children, it’s his students, then his disappointment, that’s one loose end that the ep didn’t wrap up, because that is a continuation of the whole sperm donor situation (with Margaret once more being at the center of confusion on whether Buck is a dad or not). This one is only going to be really addressed once Buck fully deals with his role in Connor and Kameron’s baby’s life, something he can’t properly do until he also faces his role in Christopher’s, a role that this ep really emphasized. No other kids were by Buck’s bed, not even May who has free access as a legal adult and who has now admitted she knows Buck is her step dad’s other kid. Chris needs his Buck in a way that no other firefam kid does. ~~ 

Which brings me to the heart wrenching fate we (and Buck) learn the Diaz boys have suffered in his absence. I have mentioned countless times in my meta posts how important I believe 204 was to Buddie. How critical Buck’s decision to step into Eddie’s mess with him was. Not once, but twice in that ep, first when he helps Eddie by talking to Bobby about Chris spending the day at the station with the 118, then when Buck introduces Eddie to Carla. I have always said Eddie was very attracted (and not just physically) to Buck from the start, but Eddie’s Christopher’s dad first, so he never would have been able to fall for anyone who doesn’t also love his son as much as he does. In other words, I’ve always thought the heart eyes Eddie gives Buck at the end of the Carla introduction scene, that was the moment when he was gone. And now we learn how meaningful Buck himself knows that was. Without that happening, his subconscious just knows Eddie’s parents would have succeeded with their threat of getting Chris away from his dad, leading to Eddie completely falling apart. Buddie's tale is a love story, and this coma revelation is basically the show telling us Buck’s subconscious already knows this. ~~ 

Eddie’s reactions in the real world are also a reflection of how important Buddifer’s little family unit is to all three of them. Keep in mind, even with his therapy, Eddie is still a reserved guy, right? He normally remains calm in the face of adversity, it takes a lot to rattle him, he doesn't easily get to the point where he falls apart emotionally. When he does in this ep, he only allows himself to when his son is looking away. And even then, he just can't go on answering Christopher's questions about Buck's state. So it highlights how important Buck is to Eddie, when the latter DOES fall apart. When he jumps in to take care of Buck on the gurney as it’s wheeled into the hospital. When he shouts at the medical staff. When he looks so wrecked at the hospital, close to what previously it took weeks of insomnia to do to him. When he can’t look at Buck's comatose body or stop himself from crying while he listens to Chris speaking or bring himself to be strong for his son and answer him. And of course, when the reserved Eddie goes against hospital regulations and parental common sense (to keep your kid away from disturbing sights), sneaking his son in to see Buck. But Eddie does it because he gets it. When Chris says he needs to talk to Buck, Eddie knows the full weight of this, because it’s his truth, too. Both Diaz boys need their Buck to wake up. So everything Chris is saying, all the comfort he’s offering, along with the insistence that Buck MUST return to them? He’s speaking for Eddie as well. ~~ 

I also liked that Buck realized during his coma dream two truths that seem, but are not, mutually exclusive: that he does have a family worth going back for, but that ultimately, he’s returning for himself. He’s not trying to please anyone else, he’s not trying to get anyone else’s approval. His adoptive family matters to him, even his bio parents who have failed him repeatedly matter, but at the end of the day, he’s not going back because his loved ones do or don’t need him, do or don’t accept him, do or don’t approve of him. He’s going back because he loves them and he wants to be with them. And that ties in with another thing we see in this ep. 

Bobby describes the coma dream as a world where Buck can fix everything. Buck says not all, seemingly implying he couldn’t bring Bobby back from the dead. But that’s not actually true, is it? 'Coz the coma world is Buck’s subconscious, it can be altered in whatever way he wants. Bobby can be there and talk to him despite being “dead” which means... he’s not really dead, not in the way that makes death so tragic, depriving us of our loved ones. Chris can be at the hospital, despite not being in LA and not knowing Buck. It’s a coma dream, there are no rules! Buck’s subconscious is king! And we know how important it is for Buck to fix things, Eddie pointed it out in 504, and we saw a callback to this just last week. The climax of this ep is even set against the musical backdrop of Coldplay’s Fix You. But this trait stems from Buck feeling like he needs to fix things, to be the hero, in order to be worthy of love. In the coma, Buck realizes he IS loved. And therefore, he doesn’t need to fix EVERYTHING in order to make a difference and be deserving of love. He IS enough, exactly as he is, limited fixing possibilities and all. That’s how he gets to choose both his loved ones and himself in coming back to reality. ~~ 

Oh, can we talk about the heart drawings scene from 514 and how it relates to this ep? I recently answered an ask about it, and pointed out I think Eddie’s heart has been Chris for years now, and for a long time, it was only him. But that scene showed how, thanks to the way Buck has been there for both of them along the years, helping, healing and loving them, Eddie’s heart is no longer exclusively his son. It’s Buck, too. Which explains why the heart theme we’ve been seeing with Eddie since 413 has expanded to include Buck’s in this ep, with Eddie literally restarting it. So 611 really affirms who Eddie’s heart now belongs to. We see how, without Buck, he would have lost Chris as well. Without Buck, he would have lost his whole heart. ~~ 

And that brings us of course to what kind of a person Eddie would be once that happened. We learn he would have become this angry man, drawing on his reaction during the lawsuit story arc. But notice that in both cases, a part of the issue causing Eddie's anger is not having Buck. Yes, back in s3 Eddie was dealing with Shannon’s death, but he doesn’t really start losing it until he also can no longer speak to Buck. Similarly, in the coma dream, he becomes Angry Guy due to the loss of Chris, but that is tied in with the absence of Buck in his life. In other words, losing Buck causes Eddie SUCH grief, that it has no other way out except for rage. ~~ 

Did you notice how once again, Buck got to be Madney’s truth teller? He did that first in 208, when he realized Madney are basically dating. Interestingly, everything he told Maddie about them was also true for him and Eddie. Then in this ep, he tells Chim Madney basically should be married, since they already share every other part of domestic and committed life. Obviously this will come into play soon. So just remember that once again, his words can be easily applied to Buddifer as well, plus Buck’s truth teller status was paralleled back in s2 with Maddie in 204, when she asked her brother about his newfound boy crush on Eddie... ~~ 

Okay, last one, but I just had to share with you maybe my fave parallel from this ep. You might have noticed in my 610 meta how much I think the lightning stroke parallels the shooting arc. Well, this was true with one of the sweetest moments in the ep’s conclusion. Just like how, at the end of 414, we got to witness Eddie hugging Chris while Buck watched on, so we get to see Buck hugging their son while Eddie looks on now. Except Eddie isn’t just looking. He enables the hug by helping Chris into Buck’s arms. Tell me again: how is this not a family? How are these men not partners, dedicated and loving towards each other in every way that matters...? ~~ 

Please enjoy direct links to my weekly meta posts, my Buddie gifs and more of my content in my pinned post. Endlessly thankful to @whosoldherout​, who​ blows my mind away every week with her hard work and beautiful gifs for my meta. Tag list will follow in the reblog, please let me know if you wanna be added/removed here. Thank you in advance for any reblog and like! I’m operating on far too little sleep in order to get this posted quickly, so I can't explain how much any and all encouragement matters to me. Thank you! xoxox

[wanderingwomanwondering]

I had 911 playing in the background while I was working on some stuff and realized that the 6b buddie is full of callbacks/parallels to 509 past is prologue, especially some of the toni and clive narrative beats.

Clive is shocked by his car and bumps his head. He has a sort of 611 “in another life” moment when he mistakes hen for toni and then tells the story of how he used to know her

Clive referenced toni’s “armor” and her fear of letting romance into her life because she’s “taken a lot of shrapnel”. Sounds like eddie to me.

During the 509 casino robbery talk, toni explicitly said “a fool and his money are soon parted” (loosely) linking buddie via buck’s math superpowers and the poker date in 613 to toni and clive’s love story. Remember toni fell in love with clive but chose hen and her first husband. This feels connected to eddie in 615 focusing on his past with shannon via chris instead of choosing his future with buck and chris. I know he has good reasons for being stuck in this mode but still an interesting connection to the toni/clive story.

We got our intro to eddie chris and telenovelas in 509 when eddie compares the drama of toni and clives multidecade saga to a telenovela. He showed great interest in learning the story, giving ideas for how to help clive and toni rekindle their romance, and hoping for a happy ending. We see eddie and chris actually watching one in 615, the very ep where eddie was thinking about the past with shannon (along with chris) and having an emotional reaction to buck feeling seen by natalia and also trying to date her.

There was also the whole 509 hen and toni conversation about glimpsing a better future but being afraid to step into it because of family duty and feelings of guilt/shame. Hen said toni was sad and felt alone in her marriage and that clive was her second chance at a happier future. This basic sentiment feels directly tied to eddie now in s6. We could argue that eddie felt alone and isolated plus the guilt/shame of choosing fear over parenthood/partnership back when he was with shannon. Now that he’s on the precipice of something romantic with buck circa 615 cemetery scene, he’s probably feeling alone and guilty again because he hasn’t expressed his feelings (which his healing arc kinda requires) and is in a holding pattern just waiting for something.

Hen told her mom in 509 to seek happiness now, despite the mistakes of the past. Tia Pepa basically did the same thing in 614 with eddie.

509 is also where we got the chloe and gabi emergency call. It was all about gabi running from/not really facing her problems. But also about finally not running/leaving when things got tough with the pen thru chloe’s chest. Sound familiar?

Then there was the whole gem during that chloe and gabi rescue about needing to save one of them before being able to save the other. Plus oil (something rich and precious) trying to get out but being contained by the weight of the people holding it in. *screaming in 615* I could say more about the symbolism of all that in the context of s6 buddie but I gotta sleep eventually lol

Then in the 509 closing scenes:

Toni: Hi! Sorry I’m late.

Clive: But you’re worth the wait.

If this isn’t buck and eddie i don’t know what is. The 615 cemetery scene felt like eddie loudly waiting on buck to see him and understand his feelings. But nope. Buck’s not there yet and eddie needs to speak/express.

Uh, Yeah. So in summary 509 was doing a lot of work to set up key themes and issues in 6b. I’m here for it 🤡🤡🤡

[kaitidid22]

Fanfic: What Ifs and If Onlys (Conrad/Billie)

Summary: It's Conrad and Billie's first date, and Gigi isn't feeling well. (Canon-friendly & set immediately after ep 611.)

A/N: A gift for Sakura8589 on AO3. It's a little different than what you asked for, but I hope this satisfies the craving!

Brown eyes stared back at Billie—the same brown eyes that had always been part of her face—but they looked… lighter somehow. Her whole face was subtly different. Her skin was glowy, the curve of her lips more pronounced.

Maybe her face and eyes were merely reflecting back the lights that lined her mirror. But she kind of thought it was the happiness fizzing through her veins like bubbles in champagne.

She couldn’t seem to stop smiling. She had tried a few times to school her features back into the calm, cool, stay-at-least-six-feet-away-from-me expression that she had honed over a lifetime and perfected overseas. But the familiar arrangement of her features suddenly felt unnatural and off.

She was accustomed to her expression not matching how she felt inside. That was life—or, at least, the life Billie had experienced. A constant balancing act between staying true to herself and taking others’ feelings into account. Tempering how she felt to make it manageable from the outside.

But, as she remembered the feeling of her fingers sliding against Conrad’s, his palm settling against hers in a skin-to-skin kiss, the idea of hiding that amount of joy just felt wrong.

Billie glanced down at the tube of mascara in her hand, and her brow furrowed. Had she put any on yet? She couldn’t remember. She leaned forward and studied her lashes. Left, yes. Right, no, she realized, and set about fixing the issue.

She was keeping her makeup simple—mascara, eyeshadow, tinted lip balm—less out of a stylistic choice and more because she was terrified at the prospect of needing to touch up during the date. Her hands were already shaking, and Conrad hadn’t even arrived yet.

She tapped her phone screen to check the time, and butterflies sprang to life in her stomach again. Conrad had said he would pick her up at eight. She had less than thirty minutes to get dressed, do her hair, and sit down for some deep breathing exercises.

Crap. Should I just tie it back? she wondered, scrutinizing her hair. It still looked mostly okay from when she had styled it that morning. She could just brush it and leave it. But it wasn’t perfect. And she wanted everything to be perfect.

She knew it was only dinner. She and Conrad had eaten dinner together hundreds of times over the past five years. Dinner, lunch, brunch, breakfast, afternoon snacks, midnight picnics—they had experienced every type of meal imaginable together. She had no reason to be nervous, or afraid that she would forget which fork to use or run out of conversation for the first time ever.

Conrad wasn’t even the type to take her to a fancy restaurant on a date. Besides, she would never forget the right fork. She had drilled it into herself as sternly as the names of all the bones in the human body.

And Billie was thankful that she could assume Conrad was going to pick somewhere on the more casual side. Maybe even Waylon’s—though maybe not since they could run into friends there. Regardless, he was far more likely to pick somewhere with sawdust on the floor than somewhere that relied on multiple forks for a meal.

Billie rubbed her forehead to stop the stream-of-consciousness rant. She was stalling. And spiraling. But mostly stalling.

Dress, she told herself, stern, and forced her feet to move back into the bedroom.

The problem was that Gigi had almost always been a buffer, literally sitting between Billie and Conrad’s bodies. And the few times Gigi hadn’t been physically present, the two of them had been in a group of friends, or Marshall had been with them, or they had been in the hospital café. They had never been alone.

Except for once: the day after the medical board hearing; the only day she could remember as just the two of them, alone. And that had been… different. She barely remembered that day, more worried about Trevor than she was about herself, and terribly tongue-tied telling Conrad the whole, horrible tale.

Trying to condense twenty-seven years into a manageable story was hard. She started and stopped and restarted so many times that she was terrified Conrad would get impatient. But he never did. He barely even asked questions and only let himself do that much after she had gotten through the whole thing once.

She knew they had eaten—they had spent nearly fourteen hours together—but she would never be able to tell anyone what they had eaten or where.

Luckily—or unluckily maybe—she had spent the entire day leading up to their date mentally sifting through her wardrobe. So, she knew exactly which dress she was going to wear. She had decided black would be too stark, too fancy for the type of place Conrad was likely to choose. She had opted for a slate blue a-line dress that hit just below her knee, with a sweetheart neckline and fluttery little sleeves. Paired with small jet studs, the delicate necklace she wore every day, and ankle boots with the tiniest of block heels, Billie thought she managed to look understated and modest, casual enough for a pub and yet elegant enough that she was obviously dressed for a date.

Standing in front of the mirror, Billie smoothed her hand down her hips, feeling the silky fabric of the dress, and scrutinizing every last detail of the outfit. Satisfied and disproportionately proud of herself, she gave her reflection a smug nod and went downstairs to tell herself she wasn’t nervous in a different room.

She was getting a glass of water in the kitchen when Conrad’s knock sounded through the first story of the house. Billie hesitated at the sink, glass hovering, and wondered why she was surprised. Had she really thought he would use his key? He always had before when picking Gigi up, or the two of them were coming over for movie night, but things were different now.

Were they? Of course, they were. Right? Yes. They were different.

For God’s sake, move, she told herself, when she realized she had left him standing at the door for far too long.

She straightened her shoulders and set the glass down in the sink. Then she turned and walked to the door, head as high as she could get it and not be looking down her nose at anything.

His bashful smile was firmly in place, eyes on the wooden boards of her porch, as she opened the door. “I almost used my key,” he admitted to the porch. He looked up, shaking his head “But then I thought—”

His words seemed to dry up as he took her in. She knew she was smiling too wide. She probably looked like she was having a manic episode. But he was so adorable. How was she supposed to resist grinning at him?

“Wow,” he said on an exhale.

Billie’s cheeks heated. She wanted to say Come on, Hawkins. You’ve seen me dressed up before. But she bit the teasing back, recognizing that this was one of those moments they would never get to have again, and she didn’t want to ruin it out of nerves. So, she took a beat to absorb his expression.

“You clean up well, yourself,” she said.

And he did, but she already knew that. Despite the fact that his preference was to live in jeans and a Henley, she had seen him dressed up on a number of occasions. Kit and Bell’s wedding, of course, but other times, too. Forcing tense conversation with him at the first-year residents reception. Flipping through photos from his wedding to Nic. Seeing him leave for a date with Cade straight from a shift. Catching his eye across the room at fundraising events Kit drafted them both to attend.

But Conrad had never dressed up for Billie. His black button up, grey pants, and shiny leather boots were wreaking havoc on her poor heart, which was now beating three times faster than it should be. And he was still staring, lips slightly parted, having not seemed to register her words at all.

She tilted her head. “Do you want to come in?”

He pointed vaguely over his shoulder to his car at the curb. “Reservation.”

Her nerves spiked again. Reservation? But she forced out a nod and held onto her smile. “Let me get my jacket.”

Her hands were shaking again when she pulled open the coat closet. Her hand floated for a moment between her leather jacket—what she had assumed she would wear—and a light shawl collared coat—something more appropriate for the places Conrad’s pants were implying. She didn’t know which to choose. Since when did Conrad Hawkins make reservations?

“You okay?” he called to her.

He couldn’t see her from his vantage point. Between the front door and the door to the closet, his view was entirely blocked. But she knew she had hesitated too long—again. She grabbed the leather jacket and shut the closet, snagging her purse off the entryway console on her way back to Conrad.

“Peachy,” she said and stepped through the front door and into her date.

#

What is happening? Billie thought to herself as they pulled up to the valet stand.

She knew exactly where they were, even though the restaurant (rather famously) lacked any type of signage. Instead, the entire front of the building was a glass wall, encouraging anyone from the street or sidewalk to look in at the patrons.

The nerves that had been strumming along in her chest—eased by the conversation in the car—flipped on an amplifier and began slamming out power chords. Her fingers spasmed around the seat belt before she forced them to relax, unhook the clip, and open the door. Conrad handed the keys to the valet and then held his hand out to her. She slid hers into his grip readily, but she was so flummoxed that she barely felt the contact.

Le Ciel was not where Billie had expected Conrad to take her.

Le Ciel was so famous that The New York Times had written an article solely about how famous it was.

Le Ciel was a prix fixe menu that used words like “truffle foam” and “deconstructed.”

And Le Ciel was a sea of two-top tables lit with candles. No four-tops in sight, and definitely nothing larger. Not at Le Ciel. Because Le Ciel was widely considered the most romantic restaurant in Atlanta.

How had Conrad even gotten a reservation? Le Ciel booked up months in advance. James had once idly mentioned that the waitlist for a Valentine’s Day reservation was running three years out.

“I treated the owner’s son when I worked concierge,” Conrad murmured to her as he held open the door. “I called in a favor.”

She stared at him, lips parting, and he gave her a modest, half-shrug in response. Then he tilted his head towards the coat person, and she nodded, slipping the leather jacket off. He took care of checking their jackets and then put a hand on the small of her back to approach the hostess stand. The young woman nodded when Conrad gave his name and led them to a table in the corner by the massive windows.

It was very clearly the best table in the house, and Billie was abruptly certain she would not be able to eat anything. She couldn’t even remember if the fish fork was the one placed randomly on the righthand side with the spoons or if that was the seafood fork.

“Can I interest you in our signature cocktail?” the hostess asked.

“Um…sure,” Billie said, then shook her head. “Actually, no, just water for now, please.”

“Water would be great,” Conrad added.

“Of course,” the hostess said. “Your server will be right over with an amuse bouche. Bon appetit.”

“Thank you,” Conrad said, as Billie managed a faint smile.

As soon as the hostess was gone, Billie’s eyes locked on Conrad’s face. He was watching her, alert, as if he could sense something was off. And maybe he could. She had been quieter than usual in the car, shocked at the mention of a reservation, which didn’t fit inside her expectations for the night at all.

Confused. She was confused. And slightly shaken. She had mentally prepared for a pub. She had even worried her dress was too fancy for whatever Conrad had planned, and now she was sitting in Le Ciel feeling underdressed. She wasn’t—her dress was a silky, flowy fabric, and the coat check hadn’t even blinked when Conrad had handed over their leather jackets.

She licked her lips. “This is nice.”

His eyes crinkled, but he managed not to laugh. “Isn’t it?”

“Did you give this guy’s son your kidney?” she asked.

“No,” Conrad said, eyes still dancing in the candlelight. “I didn’t do anything special. I think his son just liked me.”

“This is the nicest table in the place, Conrad,” Billie said, feeling herself relax the more they spoke. “You clearly went above and beyond.”

“No organs were involved,” he said. Then he stopped to think. “No organs from outside his body, anyway.”

She chuckled, then looked around self-consciously. “It’s so quiet.”

“It’s like a library,” Conrad said.

“Good evening,” their server said, seeming to materialize out of nowhere next to them.

Billie grabbed at the edge of the table, while Conrad jumped a little and then smoothed the motion out to look like he had just been leaning back in his chair. They both murmured something along the lines of good eveningback and listened as the server introduced himself, and then verbally prepared them for the menu they were about to eat, which sounded amazing but included seven courses and complicated wine pairings. When he was done, he gestured to someone behind him, and another person came forward with two ceramic spoons that they set on the table in front of Conrad and Billie.

And in the center of the table, they placed a basket of…leaves?

The server stepped forward again. “In front of you, you’ll find salmon roe atop roasted octopus brined in watermelon juice. We recommend chewing the mint leaves between each course to truly cleanse the palate. Bon appetit.”

As the server faded into the dimness around them, Conrad braced his hands on the table, palms flat on either side of the ceramic spoon.

“Are you going to eat it?” Billie asked. “Or challenge it to a duel?”

Conrad’s bashful grin spread across his face. “I didn’t understand what half of that menu meant.”

“Me, either,” Billie said and lifted her spoon. “Bottoms up, Hawkins.”

“Bottoms up,” he muttered back.

They clinked their spoons together and tossed the spoons back at the same time. As weird as the combination sounded, the effect was delicious. Billie chewed as she watched Conrad nod thoughtfully and swallow.

“Chewy,” he said.

She nearly spit out her own octopus in laughter, clapping a hand over her mouth at the last second. She managed to swallow and took a sip of her water to clear her airway.

“So, you loved it, huh?” she asked.

God she loved him. The feeling was overwhelming, and so familiar after the past two years that she very nearly shoved it down like she always had before. She was so used to hiding it that she fidgeted at the knowledge that it was out there for everyone to see, for him to see. But she loved Conrad so much in that moment that she let it all shine through her eyes.

But he looked away from her, sending her stomach into freefall. A month ago, she would have retreated. She would have set her walls firmly back in place, reminded herself that Conrad wasn’t hers, picked a nice neutral topic to distract them, and then avoided him for a day while she got back on course.

But Conrad had kissed her and brought her out to the fanciest restaurant in town. Both very clear signals that he returned her feelings. So, Billie set her hand on the table and tentatively slid it forward along the tablecloth towards the middle. He met her halfway, his fingers gently tangling with her own.

He opened his mouth, leaning forward, and she heard buzzing. They both furrowed their brows, letting go of each other to seek out their phones. As doctors, they didn’t have the luxury of letting the call go to voicemail.

“It’s me,” Conrad told her, pressing the button to answer. “Devon. Everything okay?”

Billie’s breath caught as fear spilled into her chest. Gigi.

“Does she have a fever?”

Immediately, Billie started looking around the restaurant, trying to spot their server through the dimness. She listened with one ear as Conrad continued his conversation with Devon.

“…wasn’t herself earlier, but she’s been in a mood the past couple of days. I didn’t think she…”

Finally, she spotted the server, lingering at the hostess stand near the better-lit foyer. Billie narrowed her eyes at his back, willing him to turn around.

“…be there soon.”

“Go,” Billie said, as soon as she was sure Conrad had hung up. “I’ll get the check. Call me and tell me how she is, okay?”

She felt Conrad’s gaze on her face, but she was still busy trying to catch their server’s eye. He was still leaning against the hostess stand, had barely moved in the fifteen seconds Billie had been staring. The hostess was gorgeous, of course, tall and willowy.

But good grief, Billie thought, eyeing the server.

After a moment, Billie realized that Conrad hadn’t budged, and she looked back at him, confused. He was gazing at her.

“You’re not leaving,” she pointed out.

“I…” He shook himself. “Yeah, I just… Why don’t you—No, I mean, can you come with me?”

“Yes,” she said, telling herself not to stop and think. “Hold on.”

She stood, setting her napkin on the table, and marched across the restaurant. Smile, she reminded herself. Easy. Your server is a glorified child likely trying to put himself through college. Do not eviscerate him for something he had no part in. Deep breaths. In and out. That’s good.

But Gigi needed Conrad, and their server was still flirting with the hostess. Gigi wasn’t well. And Billie shoved the panic down deeper in her soul.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, smoothly stepping in front of the server so that he would have no way of ignoring her. “But we need our check.”

Nerves flashed across his face. “Is everything all right? Is your food—”

“The food is fine,” she said. “But our sitter just called, and my date’s daughter isn’t feeling well. So—”

“No problem at all,” he said, face clearing and empathy stitching a frown onto his face. “I can bring the card reader to the table.”

“Thank you,” Billie said, relieved.

“I’ll get your coats,” the hostess offered.

“Thank you,” Billie said again, this time a little more sincerely.

#

As soon as Billie buckled her seat belt, the car was moving with Conrad tense and restless in the driver’s seat. She should have offered to drive, but she never drove when she, Conrad, and Gigi went anywhere. Even if she had thought to offer, it would have felt entirely foreign to be behind the wheel while he sat in the passenger seat, leg jumping up and down as his brain ran through all the possible medical explanations for his daughter’s symptoms.

“I heard you tell Devon that she’s been off the last few days,” Billie said.

His swallow was audible across the car. “I was going to talk to you about that.”

Her gaze sharpened on his profile. “Talk to me about what?”

Billie had known when he spoke to Gigi about them dating earlier that week. He had murmured it in her ear one morning while they were waiting for the screens to load with scans in the CT room. They hadn’t had a chance to discuss it, since Devon had barged in, and then they had each been called on separate critical issues. And her OR had been so busy the rest of the week that she hadn’t had a chance to see Gigi since the conversation.

She had been a bit surprised that Conrad had already spoken to his daughter. Particularly since Billie and Conrad never had the conversation. It had all been vague and implied, and they had each known what the other meant—we’re together now—but it hadn’t been said per se.

Part of her was disappointed. She had wanted to be there when he told Gigi. She didn’t know how Gigi was going to respond. She knew Gigi would understand the basics after her father’s relationship with Cade. It was different with Billie, though, and she had wanted to be there to reassure the little girl.

But it wasn’t her place to ask, only to be invited, and Conrad hadn’t, so Billie hadn’t said anything.

“When I told Gigi about us, she was excited, but I don’t think she really understood,” Conrad said. “She just seemed to think it would mean sleepovers like…”

He trailed off, and she stifled a laugh at his discomfort. “Like Cade used to?”

“Yeah,” he said on a groan. “I tried to explain the difference. I told her you would be coming over more, and, yes, there might be sleepovers and, no, you wouldn’t be sleeping in her room.” He paused to grin as Billie laughed, then continued, “But everything I mentioned you already do with us, everything Cade did, aside from the sleepovers. Like going on our weekend outings or coming over for movie night. And you take Gigi for an overnight once or twice a month. So, none of it was helpful.”

He sounded frustrated with himself again, frustrated again about how much time he had let lapse by running from his feelings. Billie ran a hand down his bicep, a swift gesture of comfort. Then she pulled her hands back into her lap. She told herself not to ask, but she had to know.

“But she was excited, right?”

“Yes,” he said, firm. “Ecstatic.”

“Good,” Billie murmured, pleased.

“Did you expect different?” Conrad asked, tone teasing. He didn’t give her a chance to respond. “She did ask if I would kiss you like I did Cade.”

“She did?” Billie asked, surprised.

Conrad nodded. “I told her yes and asked if she wanted to talk about that. But then she asked about dinosaurs because they’re doing a unit in school. So, I thought she was fine.”

“Since then she’s been off, though?” she prompted.

“It started a couple of days later. She’s been complaining about a stomachache the last two days, wheedling to stay home from school.” He shook his head. “I let her yesterday, and she spent the whole day in bed, but I couldn’t find anything medically wrong with her. And she’s done this before when she was nervous about something. So, I thought sending her to school was the right thing to do, and she seemed fine when I left tonight.”

“What’s she nervous about?” Billie asked.

She wracked her brain, but they were in a quiet period in terms of Gigi’s afterschool activities. No holidays. No events. She was excited to start day camp when school let out for the summer, but that didn’t start for a couple of months, and her next belt wouldn’t be for at least four.

“I’m not sure,” Conrad said on a sigh. “I thought getting a night with Devon might be so exciting that it would shake her out of whatever this is. But it’s been two days, Billie. I don’t…”

He trailed off, and she heard everything that he wasn’t saying.

…know what to do.

…know if I did the right thing.

…know how to help her.

“You’re a great dad,” she reminded him. “Maybe she just needs some time to tell you what it is.”

He shook his head. “I think she tried, and I just didn’t get it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Last night at dinner, she talked a lot about Cade,” he said.

“Cade,” Billie repeated in surprise. She turned to stare out the windshield, brow furrowed. “I didn’t think she and Cade were close.”

“They weren’t,” Conrad said. “I’m not even just telling myself that. They weren’t close. They liked each other fine. But Gigi never asked for Cade to tuck her in or read her a book or anything like she does with you and Devon and AJ.”

All of which was the impression Billie had gotten of their relationship from Gigi herself. And she had always thought that was due in equal measures to Conrad shielding Gigi from his first relationship since Nic and Cade having trouble opening herself up to people.

“But Gigi’s asking for Cade now?”

None of this was making sense to Billie. And clearly not to Conrad if his frustrated tone was anything to go by.

“No, not really asking for her,” he said. “Gigi had a lot of questions about the breakup, and what it meant. Why weren’t we seeing Cade anymore? When were we going to see her again? That sort of thing.”

He stopped, gathering his thoughts, and Billie waited. She wished she could ease his frustration with himself, but all she could do for him was listen.

“I think she was trying to ask me something else, not about Cade at all, but it wasn’t making much sense,” he said, as though admitting a sin.

“Okay,” Billie said slowly. They were getting close to Conrad’s and running out of time. “How did you explain the breakup to her?”

He shifted restlessly as they stopped at a red light. “I told Gigi that Cade and I were going to be friends, but that Cade wouldn’t be around as much because we weren’t dating anymore. So, she wouldn’t be spending the night or going out with us anymore. And that it had nothing to do with Gigi, and that we both still cared about her. I tried to make the conversation about Cade and the conversation about you separate. I spaced them out over a few days. I don’t know if that helped.”

Billie’s brow was still furrowed. “It sounds like you handled it right,” she said.

Conrad blew out a breath. “Apparently not.”

The light turned green, and Conrad drove the last few blocks to the house in silence. Billie turned everything over in her mind, trying to find an explanation for Gigi’s anxiety, but she came up blank. She would have understood if Cade had meant a lot to Gigi, but she hadn’t. Could it just be the change? Kids didn’t do well with change, right?

As they stepped from the car, Conrad came around to her side, gently shutting her door. She grasped his jacket, pulling him close. Without prompting, he leaned down and rested his forehead against hers, exhaling shakily into the night, hands cupping her shoulders.

“Why didn’t you talk to me about all of this?” Billie asked.

Conrad always talked to her about Gigi things and not just Gigi—everything, really, even Cade. She shoved down the hurt that he hadn’t this time. She could feel the tension vibrating through his body into hers. This hadn’t been about Billie; it had been about Conrad, and she needed to understand.

“I wanted tonight to be about us,” he said, voice gravelly and low.

Oh, she thought.

“Conrad, Gigi is part of us,” Billie said. She let go of his jacket and cupped her hands around his face, pulling him far enough away that they could see each other. “Nothing is ever going to change that. Always talk to me about Gigi.”

His eyes looked wet as she ran a gentle hand down his jaw to rest against his neck. Before she could tell for sure if it was just the moonlight playing tricks, he blinked and looked away.

“Thank you,” he said.

“For what?”

He shrugged, smiling at the driveway. “Loving us.”

“You really need to stop thanking me for that,” she said, injecting a little levity into the conversation. “You’re going to give me a complex. I’ll expect it daily with my cup of coffee.”

“God forbid,” he murmured.

Then he took a deep breath and stepped back. Her hands trailed from his cheek and neck, falling to her sides. But he held out his hand for hers milliseconds later, and she interlaced her fingers with his. She loved that he seemed to want to hold her hand as much as she wanted to hold his. She would take any excuse.

He gave her a wry smile. “Let’s go.”

When they stepped through the front door, Devon was slowly pacing the living room with Gigi cradled in his arms. Her face was buried in his neck, and Billie’s heart twisted.

Devon caught sight of them as he turned to begin pacing in the opposite direction, and his eyes lit up with relief. “Hey,” he said. “I think she’s out again.”

“Let’s put her back in bed,” Conrad said. “If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Devon said, brow furrowed with worry.

“Talk to me,” Conrad ordered, hot on Devon’s heels.

Billie followed behind Conrad, doing a deep breathing exercise to quell the pounding of her heart.

Conrad thinks it’s just nerves, she reminded herself.

But the sight of Gigi looking so small in Devon’s arms, her little face hidden from the world, was branded across Billie’s brain.

“She seemed fine when you left,” Devon said as they got to the top of the stairs. “We played with the telescope for a while, then got ready for bed. I tucked her in, read a book, but then she asked for another one. And I know you said only one, but—”

Conrad cut him off. “It’s okay. So, you read a second book.”

Devon settled Gigi on the bed, and the little girl rolled over into a fetal position. Billie felt the tension ratchet up in the room.

“We read four,” Devon said. “She tried for a fifth, but I told her it was too late, and she needed to close her eyes and try to sleep. I offered to stay with her, but that’s when she started saying that her stomach hurt. No fever. Pupils are fine. I palpated but didn’t feel anything off. I took her downstairs and gave her some ginger ale. But then she asked me to pick her up…” Devon stopped to swallow, arms crossing tightly over his chest.

“Like she used to,” Conrad finished for him.

Devon nodded. “So, I tried walking her like we did when she was a baby, and that seemed to work better than anything else. She had only been asleep for a few minutes by the time you got home.”

Billie had been watching Gigi’s face and saw the little girl’s eyes blink open. She was kneeling next to her before she consciously told herself to move.

“Hi sweetie,” Billie murmured to her. “Everything’s okay. You can go back to sleep.”

But Gigi was already sitting up, little face crumpled, arms held out to Billie. She slid next to Gigi and pulled the little girl into her lap, holding her close and making soothing noises as Gigi started to cry. Conrad came to sit next to Billie, and Devon hovered with an anxious face, clearly at a loss as to what his role was.

“Bubble, talk to me,” Conrad said, his voice a thousand times softer than when he had said the same to Devon.

To Billie’s utter shock, Gigi squirmed away from her father and cried harder as her arms squeezed around Billie’s neck. A deep hurt spasmed across Conrad’s face, and Billie wanted to reach out to him, but her hands and arms were full of Gigi, whose tears were so profound that Billie could feel the skin of her neck getting wet. Billie caught his gaze with hers instead, trying to send him love and strength through just that contact.

“Sweetie,” Billie murmured, rubbing a hand on Gigi’s back. “You have to talk to us. Is it your stomach?”

Gigi nodded, hiccupping against Billie’s neck.

“Can you sit up for me?” Billie asked. “We need to take a look at you.”

Gigi shook her head.

“You don’t want us to examine you?” Billie guessed.

Gigi stayed still against her.

“Okay,” Billie said. “We’re not going to do that, okay?”

Gigi’s arms loosened slightly.

“Do you want to talk to me about why you’re mad at your dad?” Billie asked gently.

She kept her eyes on Conrad’s face, and she saw the words hit him like a physical blow. But it was the only thing that made sense, and, knowing Gigi and how much she idolized Conrad, Billie could definitely see the unfamiliar feeling tying Gigi’s stomach in knots.

Billie felt Gigi shake her head, and Billie ran a soothing hand down Gigi’s hair. “I think you’d feel better if you talked about it.”

“I’m going to go downstairs,” Devon said. “I’ll give you guys a minute.”

Conrad stood and walked with Devon to the door. “You can go home,” Billie heard him say. “We’ve got it from here. Thank you for…”

Their voices trailed off as they got further down the stairs. Gigi let go of Billie’s neck, and the little girl sat back in Billie’s arms. Her face was streaked with tears, big eyes miserable.

“Baby,” Billie said, cupping Gigi’s cheek. “What’s going on?”

Gigi’s small fingers reached out to play with the ends of Billie’s hair. In the end, Billie had decided to leave it down, and it was damp from Gigi’s sobbing. But Gigi gently curled one lock around her tiny finger and held onto it.

“You and Daddy are dating?” Gigi asked.

They both knew it wasn’t a question. Conrad had explicitly told Gigi that he and Billie were together. Billie knew that she should have Conrad handle this conversation with his daughter. But Conrad was downstairs, and Gigi was asking her. So, Billie nodded slowly.

“Yes, sweetheart.”

Gigi’s face crumpled again, and Billie pulled her close. Heart shredded, Billie told herself Gigi was only five-going-on-six. She couldn’t possibly know how deeply she had just hurt Billie, and it wasn’t Gigi’s fault. But Billie just didn’t understand the reaction. Conrad had said Gigi was excited when he told her. Billie had thought Gigi adored her; she had thought they were each other’s favorites.

“Baby, if your dad and me dating bothers you this much—” Billie took a deep breath, swallowing down the words she wanted to offer. Then we won’t. I promise. Curious that her heart was still beating when it was dead in her chest. “Why don’t we talk about this with your dad?”

Billie caught the movement of a shadow and looked up as Conrad appeared in the doorway. She knew her face was a wreck, and she saw the fear on his, but she wasn’t sure how much he had overheard. And, so, when he started forward into the room, she shook her head at him.

Gigi was sobbing hard now, and her words were barely intelligible. “No…away…Cade…”

“What?” Billie whispered. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t hear that.”

Gigi pulled back again, with her hand still tight on the curl she had never let go of. “You’re mine,” she said, and the words were not only clear but fierce.

A very inappropriate flash of amusement swept through Billie, and she recognized it as giddy relief. She swallowed it down as she saw Conrad lean against the doorjamb out of the corner of her eye, something about his body loosening like a rope that had been stretched taut and then released.

“I am yours,” Billie assured her. “And I will always be yours, no matter what happens with your dad.”

Gigi’s face was still screwed up into a stubborn moue, but Billie saw something ease in the little girl, too, and the tears slowed. Her fingers worried the curl still tight in her grip.

“Cade went away,” Gigi said simply.

And, abruptly, it all made sense to Billie. Part of her brain wondered if this made it click for Conrad, too, but she was focused on Gigi and didn’t want to spare him a glance. They needed to have this conversation, and she didn’t want to clue the little girl into the fact that he was there since all of this seemed to be aimed at her father.

How in the world was she going to explain this to Gigi? How could she possibly explain the confidence she had in her relationship with Conrad? They still had never been on one complete date, and somehow Billie was one hundred percent sure that he was it for her. He and Gigi were Billie’s home. But even if he wasn’t, if—God forbid—he left her and decimated her heart, they would all still be okay.

Gigi has to come first. The words reverberated through Billie’s brain, and they weren’t hers. They were remembered from a long-ago conversation with Nic about how to do the hard things after Gigi was born.

Nic had licked her lips and continued, “Before me. Before Conrad. Honestly, sometimes I think I would shove him in front of a bus to save Gigi. Does that make me a bad person?”

And Billie had laughed and said, “Don’t worry. If someone needs to shove Conrad in front of a bus, I’ll do it for you. That’s just the kind of friend I am.”

“Oh my god,” Nic had said, but she had been laughing. “Just save Gigi, okay? If it’s a choice between me and the baby. Pick the baby.”

“Like you even have to tell me that,” Billie had said, genuinely offended.

Billie squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, Nic’s face flashing through her mind with that reassuring smile—the one that always said I adore you, Billie Sutton, you maniac.

Taking a soothing breath, Billie did her best to save Gigi. For Nic, sure, of course. But mostly for Gigi because, well, Gigi was the best thing that had ever happened to Billie.

“Breakups are really hard, sweetie,” was how Billie began. “Sometimes, after a breakup, one of the people needs to… to not see the person they were dating. Because it hurts too much to see them and making that hurt a little less is all that matters. Grownups call it getting space.”

Gigi still wasn’t looking Billie in the eye, and Billie felt like she was floundering. But she steeled her spine and kept trying.

“Cade needs space right now. She cared about your dad and you,” she said, stressing those last words, “a lot. It’s hard for her that she and your dad aren’t dating anymore.” She hesitated before saying the next, sending a silent prayer out to the universe that she was right. “Cade and I are not the same.”

Gigi’s eyes flicked up to Billie’s and then back down to the curl.

Bingo, Billie thought.

“We’re family. You, me, and your dad. But you and I are different,” Billie said. “And I don’t think I can explain that to you. And I know you hate it when we tell you that you’ll understand when you��re older, but, baby, I didn’t get it until I was close to forty.”

Gigi rolled her eyes, but her lips were pulling into a little smile at the corners.

“I didn’t get it until I met you. Nothing in the universe could make me stay away from you,” Billie said. “If your dad decided to break up with me, that wouldn’t change. You and I will never change. I will never need space from you. You’re mine, and I’m yours. Forever and always.”

When Gigi wrapped her arms around Billie’s neck again, her body was loose, and her grip was easy. Billie knew they hadn’t solved the problem. One conversation wasn’t going to be enough, but it was a start. The rest would take time.

She cleared her throat. “Can you talk to your dad? He loves you so much, and he’s really worried about you.”

Gigi nodded and slid from Billie’s lap to sit cross-legged on her unicorn sheets. Billie pressed a kiss to Gigi’s hair and whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Gigi said.

She stood, smoothing the skirt of her dress out of habit, and met Conrad’s gaze. As Conrad stepped past her, his eyes looked bruised. He paused as if he wanted to say something to her, but she tilted her head towards Gigi.

“Later,” she murmured and stepped into the hallway.

Conrad and Gigi didn’t say much. Gigi was too sleepy. And Billie couldn’t see what was happening around the door that she had pulled halfway shut, but she imagined they did a lot of cuddling.

She was leaning on the wall outside Gigi’s room, hands braced behind the small of her back, when Conrad stepped out and eased the door shut behind him. She tilted her head to the side and studied his face.

“Are you okay?” he asked, beating her to the punch.

“Not really,” she said, knowing her smile was wan. “But I feel better knowing what’s wrong. You?”

His face collapsed. “I really messed this up. With Gigi.”

“No, you didn’t,” Billie said.

“With Cade,” he continued. “With you.”

“No,” Billie said again. “You didn’t.”

He stared at her. “How can you say that?” he murmured. “We could have… If I hadn’t been running from this, then I never would have dated Cade—”

“You don’t know that,” she interrupted him. “I can’t speak for Cade. But I can speak for me, and I feel like I can speak for Gigi. We’re going to be fine, Conrad. It’s just going to take some time.”

“But—”

She gathered both of his hands in hers. “The choice you made when you started to date Cade was what you needed at the time. A casual relationship with someone you were attracted to and liked as a person, with the potential for more. Someone you could build a future with, one step at a time.”

“Back up. You think I still would have chosen Cade if I had known how you felt about me?” he asked, studying her.

“I don’t know,” Billie said, shrugging one shoulder.

“Well, I do. And I would not have.”

“Okay,” she said. “But maybe that would have been a mistake.”

He stared at her, mouth working.

“We,” she said, stressing the word, “are full of stakes. We have so much to lose here. There was no way to make us casual or ease into something real over time. We were going to be serious from day one. That’s just how it is. Maybe you weren’t ready for that.”

He started to speak again, and she cupped his cheek to still him.

“If so,” she said, “that is completely understandable. Did I like it? No. Did it hurt me? Yes. Did it make me unreasonably angry at the time? Hell yeah. But do I hold it against you? Absolutely not.”

Annoyance flashed across his face. “We’re going to argue about this later,” he said, stubborn. “Because I definitely would have chosen you, and I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now, and I’m slightly pissed that you didn’t tell me how you felt.”

She sighed quietly. “Okay, we can argue about that tomorrow night.”

“Saturday,” he muttered. “You have three surgeries tomorrow.”

But he had never let go of her hand, and he was absently playing with her fingers in his. And she was so far gone on him that the fact he was scheduling an argument with her—with thoughtful consideration for her stress level, no less—made her want to rise on her tiptoes and seal her mouth to his. But they weren’t done with this discussion.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “My point is that we’ll never know what would have happened. We only know what did happen, and where we are now. Thinking through what ifs and if onlys will never help us. Remember?”

She saw the moment he remembered their conversation from four years earlier.

“We can’t keep doing this,” Billie had said.

Conrad’s beard had been soaked with tears. Her arms had been wrapped around him, trying to hold all the broken pieces of him together as he wept. Both of his hands had been pressed to his mouth so that Gigi wouldn’t hear from her crib upstairs.

Billie had been on a date—half-heartedly going through the motions of trying to reenter normal life—when Conrad had called. Gigi had taken her first steps. And Nic hadn’t been there to see it.

Billie had barely explained the situation to poor Dave—a setup that Kit had only convinced Billie to accept by assuring her Dave wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship, just someone to take around while he got to know Atlanta. But making polite conversation without talking about the defining moment of her life—losing Nic—had been exhausting, and Billie had quickly realized she hadn’t been ready. She had driven like a bat out of hell to Conrad’s house and had found him an absolute mess on the floor.

He had sputtered out what Nic would have done, what Nic would have given to see Gigi’s first steps. He had talked about the things they would have been doing—he and Nic—if she had been there. He had outlined all the ways they would have celebrated, the next steps, what Nic would have thought and said and done. And Billie had wrapped her arms around him, trying to fill the holes she could feel in both of them, despite knowing it was an impossible task.

She had waited until the tears stopped to say it. And Conrad had barely even looked at her.

“Doing what?” he had asked, hoarse from the crying jag.

“Wondering what could have been,” she had whispered back. “Nic isn’t here, and I hate that. Torturing ourselves with the what ifs and if onlys is—”

“I can’t just stop thinking about her, Billie,” he had snapped, pulling away from her entirely.

“I know that,” she had snapped back. “I never said that, Conrad. But what if Gigi came downstairs right now, or heard you crying?”

He had looked away from her, stubborn and angry and silent.

“You want to be mad at me?” Billie had snarled at him, trying to keep her voice at whisper level. “That’s fine. Be mad. I can take it, Hawkins. Yell at me. Call me names. I’m still not going anywhere. I loved her, too, and I will never stop missing her. But we have to stop torturing ourselves. She isn’t here, Conrad. We have to live with that and find a way to move forward. Find a way to remember her and honor her that doesn’t leave us paralyzed.”

His throat had worked.

“For Gigi,” Billie had added. “If not for yourself. Gigi has to come first.”

“I know,” he had snapped, but some of the heat was gone from his voice.

Billie had taken a chance and reached out to grasp his wrist. She had kept her grip strong, a reminder that he could lean on her, and not too soft because she had thought he might shake her off if she tried that. He hadn’t moved, letting her touch him.

“You’re doing great,” she had said. “Nic would be so proud of you and the father you’ve become. But you are all Gigi’s got, and she has to come first."

At that, his head had fallen back against the wall with an audible clunk. Billie had forced herself not to wince in response, telling her neuro-self to shut it. But then he had nodded his head.

“No more what ifs,” he had agreed.

They had both known she was making it sound too easy. And Billie had known he was only agreeing to try. But agreeing had been enough. Trying had been enough. And, together, they had muddled through.

Standing outside of Gigi’s door, five years hovered around them. All of the rough moments that Billie and Conrad had muddled through together had shaped them into the two people standing there staring at each other, able to show each other their raw, unfiltered selves. Their history had grown like a living thing between them, each hard decision and uncomfortable conversation and touch of solace and piece of advice and kick in the ass had become a vine that entwined around them, through them, pulling them tighter and closer until Billie had no longer been sure where her world began and where Conrad’s ended.

Finally, Conrad nodded his head, just as stubborn and reluctant to concede as he had been four years prior. Her hand slid from his cheek down to rest against his chest. His heart thudded under her palm as they stared at each other.

“Where did you come from?” he whispered. He reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear.

Her eyebrows knit together. “You’ve asked me that before,” she murmured back to him.

“Have I?” But he didn’t really seem to be paying attention. “I’m really sorry we had to cut our date short.”

She blinked at him. “Who said it was over? What, because we changed venues? You’re not getting off that easy, Hawkins.”

He didn’t laugh, like she was expecting. Didn’t even smile. But he did lean forward.

He moved so incrementally that, at first, she didn’t think he was moving at all. Then he braced a hand on the wall next to her head, and she realized he was easing into her body and closing the gap between them. Sweet anticipation spun through her chest, gathering up like cotton candy.

His second kiss was as slow as the first had been. She was better prepared this time, though, for the dueling waves of tenderness and heat that swamped her body.

His lips were soft, barely a whisper, brushing against hers once, twice, a third time. Then he settled in and pushed closer, mouth opening over hers. He still tasted like the mint leaves from Le Ciel.

Time seemed to stretch and lengthen as his lips moved against hers. Billie wasn’t sure she had ever been this happy. She had yearned for this with an acute ache for so long—the feeling of Conrad against her, of him wanting to be in her arms—that a part of her honestly couldn’t believe it was really, truly happening. But here he was holding her with soft hands, lips languid against hers—half comfort and half desire.

She felt a lump rising in her throat, and he seemed to sense that she needed a moment. Maybe her lips had started to tremble. He eased his mouth away, trailing soft kisses across her cheek. Her head slowly tilted to the side of its own volition, and Conrad followed the silent directive with more gentle kisses.

As his lips brushed down her neck, she let out an involuntary hum of pleasure that made his hand clench at her waist and pull her closer to him. She realized then that he wasn’t quite as relaxed and languid as she had thought. His control was on a tight leash.

But the sound had also reminded Billie that they were standing mere feet outside his daughter’s bedroom.

“Conrad,” she whispered. “Gigi.”

He pulled his mouth away from her skin but rested his forehead in the curve of her shoulder on a groan. “Right.”

The feeling of his fingers still clenched at her waist made her bold. “Change venues again?” she asked.

“God yes,” he muttered, and she stifled a giggle.

But as they both turned to put distance between themselves and Gigi’s door, they found the darkened doorway to Conrad’s bedroom staring back at them. Billie froze, immediately going rigid.

Conrad settled a hand in the curve of her lower back, radiating calm and soothing energy. “Not tonight,” he said.

Every muscle relaxed in Billie’s body. “Not tonight.”

“We go slow,” he said, using the hand on the small of her back to urge her body closer again.

A wide, brilliant, happy smile spread across her face as she rested both hands against his chest. “Slow,” she agreed.

Conrad smiled back, and they stood there in the hallway, simply smiling at each other for a long time. Heat simmered in his eyes, but the lines of his face were easy. She wondered what he saw in hers.

“Making out is slow,” Conrad said.

“True,” Billie said. She considered and then said, “As long as no clothes come off, that’s slow, right?”

Conrad paused, as if thinking this over, and he said, “I think there need to be hard lines, though. Tonight, first base. No further.”

“We just did that,” Billie said, pointing towards where he’d had her pressed against the wall.

“But I don’t think we’re ready for second,” he said.

“Really?” she asked, genuinely surprised. Then she narrowed her eyes at him. “Not ready, or too ready?”

He didn’t respond to that but took a deliberate step backward. “Why don’t we get a snack? That octopus thing was not very filling.”

“Yes, please,” she said. “Though, honestly, if all the courses were that size, we would have been in serious trouble even if we hadn’t been called away. Thank goodness we stuck to water.”

“I thought you loved places like that,” Conrad said, as he followed her down the stairs. “You donate to the ballet. You took Gigi to the opera gala last year. James took you to that experimental menu…thing.”

“Pop up,” she supplied, surprised he remembered that.

She glanced at Conrad as they moved into the kitchen. It had never occurred to her that he might be comparing them with her and James. But his face was calm—serene really—and she couldn’t discern a clue to his thoughts.

“Every once in a while, it’s nice to get dressed up and do something different,” she said, partly agreeing with him.

He nodded, back to her as he opened the fridge. She watched his muscles move under his button-up as he pushed things around inside, then let her eyes glance down at the grey trousers and dress shoes. He had looked almost foreign to her when she opened the door earlier that evening, so out of character.

It had been bugging her all night—until the distraction of Gigi’s crisis—that he had taken her to Le Ciel of all places. Why? Conrad was Waylon’s, through and through. He was shots of whiskey and always in motion. She had assumed there would be some sort of activity followed by a burger, with Conrad dressed in jeans and a cotton shirt. Instead, she had gotten Ultimate Romance Ken Doll on her porch, and now he was mentioning James and saying he thought she liked—

And it clicked into place for Billie.

Billie would have happily gone axe-throwing because Conrad would have enjoyed axe-throwing. She would have been terrible at it, fighting the nagging urge to remind him that beer and sharp weapons should never be paired, but she would have loved it because he would have been happy. And Conrad had happily pulled the few strings he had at his disposal to get a reservation at the nicest restaurant in the city because he thought she would enjoy it, even if it was entirely outside of his comfort zone.

She reached out and snagged the waistband of his pants as he passed her. He glanced down at her hand with clear surprise but tossed the bag of bread he was holding on the counter and crowded into her personal space. He settled a hand on the counter on either side of her body, caging her in with his full attention locked on her. Exactly how she liked it.

“If I had to pick the perfect date,” she said, palms finding his waist. “I’d pick you in jeans and a Henley any day.”

His brow furrowed in confusion, though he looked pleased anyway. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said, suddenly remembering to be embarrassed. “Shut up and kiss me.”

“Gladly.”

[celtfather]

Live Show at Maggie McGuiness Pub

This pub is not a real Irish pub, but it’s the most-authentic Irish pub that is not in Ireland. Enjoy music from Kinnfolk and Fire in the Glen. Learn when Coffee with The Celtfather returns and what the future holds for this fall.

This is Pub Songs & Stories #272.

0:19 - Kinnfolk “Siúil a Rún” from Kinnfolk

3:34 - WELCOME TO PUB SONGS & STORIES

I am Marc Gunn. I’m a rhythm and folk Celtic musician and podcaster living in Atlanta, Georgia. This episode kicks off the fall season of Pub Songs & Stories. I’m gonna talk about what I have in store for the fall. I’m also gonna share with you a live concert from the Maggie McGuinness Pub. The most-Irish of Irish pubs that are NOT in Ireland.

The first band was Kinnfolk. They are a wife and husband duo out of Virginia. They hosted show #609 of the Irish & Celtic Music Podcast. Where they talked about Irish sessions they performed at during their recent honeymoon in Ireland.

That song is from the CD…

If you’re new to the show, please subscribe. You can do that PubSong.com or even better or you can subscribe and download all of my songs in this show. Just send me an email.  pubsong@celtfather .

You will get an auto responder to download the month’s songs. You will also get that subscribe link. It’s quick and easy. While you’re emailing me to get your free EP, well album, let me know what you’re doing while listening to this episode.

5:10 - UPCOMING SHOWS

AUG 19: Fiddler's Green Coffeehouse Concert series at First Existentialist Congregation of Atlanta. 470 Candler Park Dr. NE / Atlanta GA 30307. 404-378-5570. Presented by Atlanta Area Friends of Folk Music (AAFFM). Tickets $10

AUG 24: Marc Gunn Livestreaming Concert on Bandcamp

AUG 26: Pepper Place Farmer’s Market, Birmingham, AL

AUG 23: Coffee with The Celtfather Returns

AUG 31-SEP 4: Dragon Con with Brobdingnagian Bards

6:36 - WHAT’S COMING THIS FALL

I tried a lot of new things out in the spring. I tried 2 or 3 different show names. I bounced the format around. I did an interview. I shared tips for visiting County Mayo, Ireland. I linked the podcast more tightly to my newsletter. I even shared a Countdown of Celtic music favorites from 2022.

It felt to me like I didn’t have a direction. And to a large degree, I didn’t. As always, I love having this podcast and opportunity to talk about what’s new and promote what’s coming up. I love sharing stories about sustainability and how to protect our planet. I love sharing stories from my travels. I enjoyed interviewing people.

I also know that I don’t have a ton of time for this podcast, especially because I have the Irish & Celtic Music Podcast. That’s my main show. It’s the one I promote. It’s tough promoting multiple shows.

But this podcast serves a very special audience, you, the Gunn Runners who enjoy my music. So the show will continue in a very similar fashion… without the constant show name changes. Whether Pub Songs & Stories is a misnomer or a reflection of my love and appreciation of public house music… folk music for people, it’s gonna continue in a similar fashion.

I have a list of about 40 things I’d love to talk about. They include shows about sustainability and climate change, stories from my recent trip to Ireland, making better choices for your community, staying healthy with exercise, looking to the future to make things better, and of course, I’ll share the stories behind each of the songs I write or have written. Plus, I still want to highlight my fellow musicians, Celtic or otherwise. Because that’s just what I do.

So we’re gonna do that right now with a funny track from the band Fire in the Glen.

Rod hosted show #611 of the Irish & Celtic Music Podcast and shared a story for Star of the County Down in this podcast.

10:52 - Fire in the Glen “From Amish to Irish” from Cutting Backen

14:23 - JOIN THE GUNN RUNNERS CLUB

The show is brought to you by my Gunn Runners on Patreon. If you enjoy this podcast or my music, please join the Club. You will access scores of podcasts, download dozens of songs and sheet music. Plus, you get weekly access to my Coffee with The Celtfather video concerts. Those shows return on Wednesday August 23 at 11 AM Eastern. Sign up for as little as $5 per month and save 15% with an annual membership. Thanks to my newest Gunn Runners on Patreon: DWS, Melissa Randall, A. Lynch, Traci Girard-Turner, Michelle Hahn, Lisa, David Willer, Jo Navarre, Tracy O'Shea, Antoinette Brenion, John Dowling, Kate Smith

15:32 - LIVE SHOW FROM MAGGIE MCGUINNESS PUB

16:36 - “Slainte Mhaith”

20:37 - “Kilted”

23:38 - “Mingulay Boat Song”

29:41 - “Reaver’s Lullaby”

34:44 - “Bright Side of Everything”

41:41 - “Shiny”

46:39 - “Breathing”

52:13 - “Mingulay Cat Song”

58:57 - “Black Velvet Band”

1:02:39 - “Don’t Go Drinking With Hobbits”

1:06:45 - “Wild Mountain Thyme”

1:11:04 - “Come Adventure With Me”

1:16:55 - “Johnny Jump Up”

1:22:03 - NEXT TIME

I’m gonna share some stories from my Celtic Invasion of County Mayo. So make sure you subscribe.

And also please consider posting a review on Apple Podcasts. I’m still hoping to get those 10 new reviews. I’m still about 8 shy.

Seriously, it means a lot to me when you post a review of the show. It also helps others know if they should subscribe as well. And if you can’t support me financially, you can always leave a review for free.

1:22:44 - CREDITS

Thanks for listening to Pub Songs & Stories. The show is brought to you by my Gunn Runners on Patreon. Every week, you’ll get a new podcast or song or video or video concert. You’ll save 25% off all the merch in my store. The show was edited by Mitchell Petersen with graphics by Miranda Nelson Designs.

You can subscribe and listen to the show wherever you find podcasts. Sign up to my mailing list to read the show notes for this episode and find out where I’m performing.

And of course, please tell one friend about this podcast. Word of mouth is the absolute best way to support any creative endeavor.

Have fun and sing along at www.pubsong.com!

#pubstories #irishpubsongs #irishdrinkingsongs

  Check out this episode!

[eohachu]

I posted 4643 times in 2021

940 posts created (20%)

3703 posts reblogged (80%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 3.9 posts.

I added 5776 tags in 2021

#tv. chen qing ling - 1185 posts

#.gif - 930 posts

#r.txt - 611 posts

#.txt - 553 posts

#.photo - 518 posts

#tv. shan he ling - 487 posts

#word of honor spoilers - 433 posts

#.jpeg - 395 posts

#*queue - 378 posts

#untamed fanart - 286 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#[+ im thinking so many thots about sunset being warm colors n stuff and now the moon being cooler colors and their relationship cooling off]

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

[id: two gifs from the cdrama “the untamed”, showing nie huaisang’s first and last chronological appearance. in between the gifs i added the colour palette that i used for these gifs. they are two shades of light grey, a shade of each light green, dark green, and dark grey. 1st gif: episode 4. nie huaisang puts his right index to his lips and shushes wei wuxian who is off screen. for a moment meng yao, who is standing behind him, is in the frame, too. 2nd gif: episode 50. nie huaisang bids farewell to lan wangji and wei wuxian who are both off screen. opening his fan he turns around to leave. /end id]

 聂怀桑 NIE HUAISANG — first and last chronological appearance

↬ for the @mdzsnet nie huaisang birthday event

814 notes • Posted 2021-05-20 08:01:11 GMT

#4

[id: three gifs from the cdrama “word of honor” (2021), episode 30, all showing the scorpion king. his hair is braided into 7 french braids, held together at the back of his head by a jewelled silver ornament. he wears black clothes. the background is edited into a soft green. all of the gifs are close shots of xie’er going from surprise and shock in the first one one to anger in the second one to sadness and acceptance after zhao jing slapped him in the face and called him an ‘evil creature’. /end id]

《山河令》 Shān Hé Lìng (2021) Ep. 30 ⨳ 蝎王 Scorpion King

817 notes • Posted 2021-05-17 20:14:58 GMT

#3

[id: 6 gifs from the cdrama “the untamed”. the background is a soft purple. a scene in episode 24 between jiang yanli and wei wuxian in lotus pier. 1st gif: yanli asks with a surprised expression, ‘why suddenly ask that? do you have someone in heart?’. 2nd gif: wei wuxian quickly says, ‘no, no, no, shijie. i haven’t got one.’ 3rd gif: wei wuxian admits, ‘at least... no need to like a person that much.’ 4th gif: wei wuxian continues, ‘wouldn’t that be like putting a noose around one’s own neck?’ a scene in episode 36; wei wuxian at lan wangji’s bed. 5th gif: he smiles at lan wangji and leans closer. then the camera cuts to the sleeping lan wangji. 6th gif: wei wuxian smiling, then bearing a pensive expression, as if he is considering something. in between the gifs fragments of the poem ‘salt’ by salma deera are scattered; together they read: ‘in front of my mother and sisters, i pretend love is cheap and vulgar. i act like it’s a sin- i pretend that love is for women on a dark path. but at night i dream of a love so heavy it makes my spine throb- i dream up a lover who makes love like he is separating salt from water.’ /end id]

Salma Deera, “salt”

陈情令 The Untamed ep. 24 / ep.36

The Untamed × Poetry pt. VIII

872 notes • Posted 2021-08-08 18:30:32 GMT

#2

[id: 8 gifs from the film “the yin-yang master: dream of eternity”. they are all wide shots. 1st gif: a yellow-ish tint. zhongxing and fangyue talk under a blossoming tree. 2nd gif: vermillion bird is high up in the sky and swings the fangyue sword, leaving a trace of flames. 3rd gif: shouyue and fangyue from behind, standing on the snake’s head. 4th gif: a shot from above. a cyan tint. there is a geometrical form drawn in the snow. 5th gif: a blue tint. the camera follows a narrow path through a city in the mountains. 6th gif: boya standing on a roof playing the flute. lanterns rise into the sky. 7th gif: a reddish tint. a view of the city: houses, people, and water. a blossoming tree in the foreground. 8th gif: qingming on a boat on the water. he disappears into a yellow-red glowing portal. /end id]

Gorgeous Wide Shots from 晴雅集 The Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity (2020)

↬ GuZhuang Appreciation Month Week 1: Favourite Aesthetics

943 notes • Posted 2021-07-09 17:22:29 GMT

#1

[id: three gifs. 1st gif: a scene from the cdrama “guardian” from episode 23. a shot of zhao yunlan and a shot of shen wei are blended together. yunlan’s expression is shocked and confused. shen wei’s eyes are glassy and red from crying. he looks at yunlan, looking into his eyes, then to his lips, then to his eyes again. there’s a simple text in white caps in the middle reading “you are worth it”. the same phrase is spelt out in the background in hanzi. 2nd gif: the jinlintai scene from the cdrama “the untamed” from episode 42. also two shots blended together, this time of lan wangji and wei wuxian. the look at each other, both smiling lovingly. wuxian also first looks into wangji’s eyes, and then at his lips. simple text in white caps in the middle reading “lan zhan ah lan zhan”. the same phrase is spelt out in the background in hanzi. 3rd gif: a scene from the cdrama “word of honor” from episode 32. the scene at the cliff. it starts with only wen kexing in the frame. zhou zishu walks towards him and stops right in front of him. they look at each other with deep affection. simple text in white caps in the middle reading “you are mine”. the same phrase is spelt out in the background in hanzi. /end id]

– Do you have any weapons on you?

– I have a longing that’s killing me.

— Mahmoud Darwish, from Memory for Forgetfulness: August, Beirut, 1982. (tr. Ibrahim Muhawi)

镇魂 Guardian ep. 23 陈情令 The Untamed ep. 42 山河令 Word of Honor ep. 32

insp.

1039 notes • Posted 2021-05-09 20:14:46 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[ladylady1980]

Thoughts on The 100 episode 611 Ashes to Ashes

Where the duck is Jordan? Oh he’s recovering? Can we maybe just see him for a sec, Russell? I don’t trust these Sanctum ppl.

How creepy is it that Russell picked Echo to house his wife’s new body? Ick

When Octavia asked what the plan was and Bellarke looked at each other, I could almost hear their thoughts “First we save our friends, then we make out.” That’s the level of heart eyes we’re dealing with now.

Plus I guess we can casually reach over and touch Clarke’s thigh, you know, for comforting. That’s a normal, platonic way to comfort someone.

I love when the show refers back to The Delinquents’ old lives—Miller with his pickpocketing skills.

Echo’s (Ash’s?) backstory was needed in Season 5 or even Season 4 but I appreciated it for what it was in this ep. She’s never been a draw for me, personally.

Bell and Octavia’s scenes were SO necessary and so great. It is one of the first times on this hell show that the characters had an honest convo and we could all feel some closure or a new chapter beginning. I felt the same way with the Amends Scene between Bellarke in ep 4.

I know it’s not supposed to be funny or maybe it is that Murphy is on the path to becoming a Sanctum god with these rich weirdos. The way they write his character is genius.

Eliza’s acting! When she was playing Josephine in Clarke’s body I felt like it was Jo I was seeing and when she was playing Clarke playing Jo I also could see and feel it! The subtleties and nuances of each performance were just bravo 👏🏽

The only thing I had a problem believing is that Bellamy would ever let Clarke out of his sight again. After literally bringing her back from the dead last ep? Like no way would that be happening, I’m sorry writers. She’s his EVERYTHING. It’s been established! But I guess we need plot or something 🤷🏽‍♀️

I also loved the consideration of Monty’s wishes amongst the trio of Bellamy, Clarke, and Octavia. I just feel bad that we didn’t get that type of group dedication towards the memories of Jasper or even Lincoln in earlier seasons (not that I can recall anyway). They also wanted peace across all tribes and peoples.

I really hope the show switches from The Flame and the mind drives to The Anomaly as a plot device. I see so many more possibilities with The Anomaly. It didn’t kill Octavia and there’s no evidence that Diyoza is dead so maybe other people that Sanctum sacrificed to the forest could be brought back? Would be nice for those poor citizens back in Sanctum to regain some loved ones.

So much still to come and the fight against Sanctum is heating up. Cannot wait for next week’s ep!!!

[patrikimpson]

This was a super fun @behindvelvetrope Watch all 3 seasons of Gown and Out in Beverly Hills on @primevideo 🌍 Posted @withrepost • @behindvelvetrope Ep. 611 Pol’ Atteu and Patrik Simpson step Behind The Rope. The boys are back!! First off, the boys chat about their BFF Jeff Lewis, the extended Jeff “family/ex family” - Megan Weaver, Jenni Pulos, Gage Edward, Chaz Dean, many of whom have been guests here Behind The Rope, and Jeff’s dating life, type and up and down dating history with Chef Stuart O’Keeffe. Next we cover Scheana’s gorgeous wedding dress which the boys designed and wedding which the boys attended. We break down what working with Scheana on the dress was like plus address all of the rumors that have surfaced clarifying what is true and what is fiction - Raquel and Tom Schwartz hook up, Katie Maloney blaming Scheana, Katie being disinvited, Jax, Brittany and Kristen Doute attending but not filming for the new season of Vanderpump Rules and oh, so much more. Speaking of gowns, the boys also designed the reunion looks for two of The Real Housewives of Dubai - Nina Ali and Sara Al Madani - which we discuss as well as the just past Dubai season and reunion. Being Bev Hills locals, Season Three of their fabulous Gown and Out in Beverly Hills is out now, we share hot takes on the current RHOBH season both on and off air - Bots, lawsuits, victims, donations, cover ups, casting rumors, social media drama, one F of a reunion thus far and just who we can expect to see back next season out of Kyle, Rinna, Kathy, Garcelle, Sutton, Diana, Crystal, Dorit, Sheree and last, but certainly not least, Erika Jayne. Finally, they share news on their Anna Nicole Biopic, casting choices you wont believe and why they are still estranged from Larry Birkhead and Dannielynn. @behindvelvetrope @davidyontef #rhobh #kathyhilton #kylerichards #lisarinna #garcellebeauvias #suttonstracke #crystalkungminkoff #dianajenkins #doritkemsley #shereezampino #erikajayne #vpr #vanderpumprules #scheana #brockdavies #annanicolesmith #dannielynnbirkhead #larrybirkhead #jefflewis #gageedward #tomschwartz #raquelleviss #rhodubai #patriksimpson #polatteu #gownandout 💎🍸 💫 (at Pol' Atteu Haute Couture Beverly Hills) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cjis5cCp6pw/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[matan4il]

From your 6x11 meta "In other words, I’ve always thought the heart eyes Eddie gives Buck at the end of the Carla introduction scene, that was the moment when he was gone." I have always felt the same way. That in that moment the first brick Eddie from the wall Eddie had around his heart, fell. That was the moment he fully saw Buck for who he was and who he could be to Eddie and Chris. To this day is one of my favourite moments.

Carly, my lovely! I adore that you picked up on that bit in my 611 meta! Absolutely this. I mean, I do believe Eddie was attracted to Buck in 201 and felt a connection strong enough that he promised to always have Buck's back on the field, and that he let Buck in by showing him Christopher's pic in 202 and let him drive Eddie to his son's school at the end of 203 (when he could have, for example, taken an Uber), but I think 204 is when he becomes convinced he made the right choice when he let Buck that first step into their lives, it's when - as you said - Eddie really sees him, and that Buck WANTS to be there for him and Chris, it's when Eddie must realize instinctively everything they can build together over the next years, it's the seed that grows into taking Buck with him and Chris to see the elf lady in 210, into that talk about trust no one more than Buck in 303 and into the legal guardianship reveal in 414. That ep is the moment Eddie Diaz wasn't just attracted to Evan Buckley, it's the moment he allowed himself to fall in love with Buck.

Thank you for your wonderful ask, sorry for getting excited. XD I hope you're having a great day! As always, my ask tag. xoxox

[wanderingwomanwondering]

201 & s6b Buddie Musings - Lightning, Grenade, & Ambulance Stuff

Lightning traveled through Buck’s hands and out his leg (specifically his knee). A grenade traveled from Charlie’s hands and got lodged in his leg (specifically his thigh). That pathway- hands to leg - is stated clearly in each ep. Don’t know if that specifically matters but it was enough to get me thinking about the link between 201, 610/611/612, and Buddie’s shared healing arc.

The larger context for Charlie was that he was holding onto the life that never was but still also grieving the life that never was because of his heart defect. Back on 201, Buck was basically in the same situation by holding onto but also grieving the loss of Abby. We could argue Eddie was also in a similar place, holding onto Shannon and grieving at the same time. I imagine that’s why Buck and Eddie were in that ambo with Charlie.

It’s interesting that Charlie was collecting weapons of war. He was at war with himself in a way. Refusing to fully let go of one potential life/future and it almost killed him. There’s a parallel somewhere in there for Buck in 201 & 611. Buck had been holding onto Daniel and to detrimental ideas about himself and really struggling to take the next steps in his healing journey. He knew in his head that the guilt over “failing��� Daniel and not seeing the signs of Maddie’s abuse at Doug’s hands wasn’t his to carry but he didn’t believe it (specifically the Daniel part) until he worked it out in his coma dream and now he’s able to actually chart a new course for himself without deference to his old ideas about himself as inadequate, defective, and unworthy. The lightning just like the grenade was a call to let go of old lives/selves that never really existed. Bonus points for Charlier being a teacher in his real life and Buck being one in his coma dream.

Eddie is of course on his own healing journey too, and for as far as he’s come, there’s still something he’s at war with himself over. And remember Eddie was struck by the same bolt of lightning in 610, and he was also in that ambo with Buck to remove the grenade. In the ambo with Charlie, Eddie was starting phase one of letting go of Shannon by taking vows to Buck. In terms of letting go of Shannon, it was two steps back one step forward for a minute but still Charlie, Buck, and the ambo marked the start of that long journey for him. Now with the lightning strike it’s like Eddie’s in the last leg of that journey in terms of letting go of Shannon, Ana, his old ways of being in romantic relationships, and his warzone mentality. He’s letting go of all of that by learning to hold onto and care for himself. He used to just be on autopilot or hiding his own needs behind whatever he felt Chris needed. Now he’s learning to follow his own heart and fully participate in his own life for himself. Eddie is finally letting go of his past mistakes and fears of not being enough. He’s done some much healing work and now he’s in the home stretch. The lightning is a link to Buck as a part of Eddie fully letting go of his old ways AND fully embracing himself moving forward.

Since Eddie was the one to restart Buck’s heart in 611 and the one to remove the grenade from Charlie’s leg, maybe that suggests that Eddie will have to be the one to let his guard down even further and make the first big emotional move with Buck by telling him he remembers the shooting, and rescuing him after the lightning, and every clutch thing Buck has ever done for him and Chris and that he thinks Buck is neat and and…

Yeah I’m mostly just rambling. I dunno what it all means but it all has to mean something 👀

[matan4il]

I love your meta 6-11 Alice, thank you a thousand times for the time energy and love you put into it. You are a star. So here’s the question. Is Buck wearing the same shirt in his coma dream as when he got shot? And would you read any significance into that? I know you’ve commented on clothing before. Thank you darling Alice and take care of yourself. You are loved and appreciated. Su 💜💜

Su, my darling! Thank you so much for being such a bright shining star yourself, I'm always so, SO happy to hear from you! *HUGS* I'm really grateful to hear you liked my 611 meta, and hope you'll enjoy my 612 post, too!

Good question! And one that I was wondering about too as soon as we had our first glimpse at that scene from 611, so I checked right away, but no. It's not the same shirt. They're very similar, but once you have a closer look you can see the pattern of lines, their width and the colors don't match:

I'd probably read more significance into this similarity if there hadn't been other unconnected incidents when Buck was also wearing a white shirt with stripes, very similar to this. I might be misremembering, but I can only recall one case where Buck was wearing a white shirt with no stripes and no other clothing item over it, which is 314, an ep that was totally dedicated to Maddie and the dispatchers, a bit to Madney, Buck was basically a footnote in that ep (though the little he had was lovely). It leaves me with the impression that this costuming department just doesn't very much like Oliver in white and no patterns, which is why when they do want him with white (color of innocence and purity) they combine it with stripes. In the case of the shooting arc, the pure white is a good contrasting background to the splashes of red (and the violence and horror they represent). In the case of 611, this is the part of the dream where Buck very innocently buys into the idea that his parents love him and he can simply embrace it. So there IS meaning to the choice of white, I just wouldn't necessarily connect the two scene based on the combo of white and stripes. Does that make sense?

I hope this helped! Thank YOU again, I hope you know I love you and treasure you as well! And that I hope you're doing great! As always, here's my ask tag!

[matan4il]

Hi!! How are you? I hope well! I'm sorry I've been missing, but I have so many things to do... There aren't enough hours to do it all lol, but what I do is read everything you post! The meta of the 6x10 chapter was absolutely amazing! I think what struck me the most in the chapter is Eddie's scream, which, on the other hand, was necessary to hear. I really liked one of the trailers, the one with Eddie yelling "do more" (part 1)

I think this is the first time I've seen Eddie palpably shocked by Buck, and not trying to hide it. In a way it seems to me that this episode is going to be more exciting than the one where Buck begins, and also, that his classmates are going to care more about him than when the truck bomb happened, or at least we will see it. I hope you are feeling better from the vertigos. As always, I am sending you lots of hugs and kisses and, of course, lots of positive energy (part 2)

Hi darling! How are you doing? Always good to hear from you, but I hope you know that you never have to stress about any fandom stuff with me! Trust me, I know exactly what it means, to be constantly out of breath and wonder how come we don't get more than 24 hours in a day. Just do what's good for you. I'm here and always happy to see you when it's okay for you. *hugs*

I'm so glad that you enjoyed the 610 meta! :D Thank you so much for telling me you did! And yes, I tried to talk a bit about how clearly shaken up Eddie is and how different his reaction is in comparison with the past in the 611 meta I shared. I do think we got to be more worried about Buck in this ep than in 405 because he got that much closer to the brink of dying, and the team def had much more of an on screen reaction, in part because in 218, Buck had to deal with a decision for himself when Ali tells him she doesn't think she can handle his choice of profession. What does he prefer, his calling or this chance at love with her? And I think he rightly chose his job. She wasn't a bad person, but I don't think they were compatible, as that ep proved. In 611, Buck had to learn to accept himself and the love he gets from his found family, and that moment when they ALL come in to celebrate his recovery is a closure to that.

Thank you for the kind words, I'm afraid I still suffer from this debilitating vertigo. I'm sending you all the love and the bestest of wishes and positive energies! You're so wonderful and I hope you know it! As always, my ask tag. xoxox

[matan4il]

Is there any reason why fans speculate that Buck will have near death experience (Buck in a coma) ?

Hi lovely Nonnie! Thank you for the ask! Forgive me if I don't get everything exactly right, I don't follow speculations closely 'coz they tend to lead to me enjoying the eps less when I don't get what I was hoping for, but I'll do my best to give you the gist of what I've managed to get from fandom.

So, it started with the promo that showed Buck (on a bicycle) "caught" in the headlights of an approaching car. That led to speculating he's gonna be hit by it, which then gave rise to the idea that he'll be in a coma following this major accident, and the coma will help him reach some (Buddie) insights. We've since seen that scene in 604 and we know Buck didn't get hit, but the theory persisted, at that point from what I understand based on ep titles. It was leaked that 608 would be titled "What's Your Fantasy?" which led people to speculate Buck would be in some sort of an accident at the end of 607, and he'll spend all of 608 in a coma dream unraveling his fantasy. Now that 607 is behind us, I believe the new ep titles feeding this theory are now 610 being called "In a Flash" and 611 (the 6b premiere) being titled "In Another World." In addition to that, there was first one BTS pic of Oliver in sweatpants, and then another with the whole team, and everyone's in their uniform pants other than Oliver, who's in his sweatpants, and that really gave life to this theory.

Is it possible that there's a coma storyline coming our way? It is. Is there anything really concrete to base it off? The most concrete thing to me is that second BTS pic, but there can be a different explanation for that as well. Is there a lot of wishful thinking involved, people having locked their sights on the coma storyline and now interpreting everything in accordance to that? There is. Does wishful thinking mean it's not gonna happen? Absolutely not, sometimes we do get exactly what we were wishing for. But this is kinda an example of why I try to limit my diving into speculation. 'Coz I think if I allowed myself to really want it and we didn't get it, that would hurt my enjoyment of this season. But I do know exactly why people speculate and why it's a part of their fun. TBH, when you're in fandom, it's hard not to speculate when everyone around you is, and when you keep getting info about future eps, which you don't get when you're just a casual fan and viewer of a show... It's just for me, I got burned in a past fandom, so I learned I overall enjoy shows more when I lower my expectations and let the show take me wherever it will.

I hope I managed to answer your question? Have a lovely day! And as always, if anyone’s looking for it, here is my ask tag! xoxox