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let-me-luve-you · 4 years ago

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Separated Cherries

Tom Holland x Sister

Summary: The reader deals with anxiety and one form of the readers anxiety is separation anxiety. She really misses Tom so he flies her to Cleveland while he’s working on Cherry. He later admits how hard it was for him to worry about her and focus on the seriousness of the character.

Warnings: anxiety, separation anxiety, angst, protective Tom, talks of Cherry (nothing is mentioned specific i don’t think, but I do mention that it was hard for Tom to film it and how it deals with difficult topics)

A/N: I’m awful. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for the late post but I hope you enjoy it!! This was for a special person and I hope they enjoy it! Also I mention a scene in Cherry but don’t go into detail but if you have watched the press tour, you may know what scene I’m talking about. Or if you’ve seen the movie, you may know what scene I’m talking about. I tried to avoid spoilers so I hope you like this story.

MASTERLIST BUY ME A COFFEE

The days leading up to Tom leaving, you didn’t leave his side. He didn’t mind though. He loved having you around. You grounded him and reminded of the normal life he left behind when he went to be The Tom Holland the world knows and loves.

Earlier this month, Tom took you with him to Utah for a convention. You had never gone to one before so Tom thought this would be a good time. Tom also was being a little selfish and wanted you there with him since he was still dealing with the news of Spider-Man leaving the MCU.

Now he’s about to leave for Cleveland to film Cherry. A movie Tom knew was going to be a challenge for him. The Russo’s fought for him to be in this movie. They wanted Tom in this role more than anybody. They even got a job for Harry. You had asked Tom, when he first learned of the filming dates, if you could go with him. Since Tom knew the contents of the movie and how dark it was, he didn’t want you around that, so he said no.

Now, it’s the night before he’s leaving. You are curled up on his bed watching him pack his bag. “Don’t forget your blue light glasses.” You said.

“Already have them packed in my carry-on with my laptop and chargers.” He said to you with a smile. “Thank you though. I do forget them all the time.” You laughed.

You turned serious, “I’m going to miss you. I know you said I couldn’t go, but I still wish I could go with you.” Tom sighed.

“I know. I’m going to miss you too, but this film is just going to be dealing with a lot of serious issues and I don’t want you to have to see me like that.” He said, honestly.

“I know. Can I still call you though?” You asked sheepishly.

“Always.” He said before turning to his dresser to get socks and underwear. “So, what are your plans for the next few months?”

“I plan on helping mum. She apparently has a lot of shoots. Probably taste test all of Sam’s food.” You laughed.

“I’m so jealous. I have yet to find something I don’t like of Sam’s.” Tom said.

“He is a great cook.” Tom agreed. “Paddy apparently has a show he’s going to be on, so I’ll help him with that in any way I can. And Dad is working on a new book, so whatever he needs me to do, I’ll do.”

“You really are great, you know that?” Tom asked as he paused his packing to come sit next to you. He wrapped you in a hug. “Are you going to do anything for you?” You shrugged. “Do me a favor? Do something for you. Learn to do more for you. You help all of those around you, but you rarely do things for you. Draw more or hide away and read. Go out to a party or go do something with your friends. Remember to take care of you. Promise me, you’ll try to do that.”

“Promise.” You said. He squeezed you tighter in the hug and gave you a kiss on your head before getting up to finish his packing.

The rest of the night was uneventful. Tom finished packing and put his bags by the front door. You both got comfy on his bed and watched a movie. You were the first to fall asleep and first to wake up the next day. Tom’s and Harry’s flight wasn’t until 10 am and it was currently 630. You decided to make them a good breakfast so they would be fine until the flight gave out their lunch.

“What are you doing?” You heard a tired voice. You looked over your shoulder to see Tom walking up to sit at the counter. You smiled at him and fixed him a cup of tea.

“I’m making you and Harry breakfast.” You said cheerfully. You walked back over to the stove and finished making the eggwhite omelet. Tom was on a strict diet so you made something he could eat, but also something that he liked. You put it on a plate and set it in front of him.

“You didn’t have to do this.” Tom said. “But thank you. This looks delicious.” “What looks delicious?” Harry asked as he sat next to Tom. “Oooh. I want one.”

“It’s coming right up.” You said as you set a tea in front of him and turned back to making his omelette.

“Thank you Y/N.” Harry said, taking a sip of his freshly made tea. “Can I hire you to be my personal assistant?” You all laughed. “When we get home, I’ll treat you to dinner via Sam’s cooking.”

“Sounds good to me. I’m holding you to it.” You said. “I’m really going to miss you guys.”

“Just a few months and then we will be home for Christmas.” Tom said standing up to put his plate in the sink.

“I know. Still sucks. I hate when you leave.” You opened up. You had been holding it in. You felt bad for dropping it on him right before he leaves, but it needed to be said. “It always just feels different around here. I don’t know how to describe it, but it doesn’t feel like we are complete.”

“I know it’s not ideal to have two brothers that are constantly traveling for work. That we aren’t here for family dinners, but we are a phone call or text away. Reach out and we will try to answer as quickly as possible.” Tom said looking into your eyes. You could see that he meant them.”

“Ignore me. I’m just in my feels this morning. I’ll be okay.” You whispered. You wrapped Tom in a hug. “I’m proud of you, you know? It’s so great to see you out there doing what you love and seeing the people’s lives that you touch.”

“Thank you y/n/n. I love you.” Tom said kissing your forehead.

“Love you too.” You squeezed him tighter before pulling away and wrapping Harry in a hug. “Love you too Hairball.”

Harry scoffed at the nickname you gave him when you were both extremely young and you were mad at him. “Don’t call me that…” He paused before hugging you back. “Love you too.”

“Now you better get going before you’re late.” You said. “I also packed you small snack bags and put them in your carry ons.”

“You’re the best.” Tom said as he walked to put his shoes on. “Thank you y/n/n.” Harry said doing the same.

You watched them grab their bags and walk out of the house with one last smile. You sighed and went back to your room to take a nap. Already missing your brothers, you decided to turn on Spider-Man Homecoming.

It is now mid-October and you were missing Tom and Harry more than anything. You tried to hangout with Sam and Paddy more to try to not feel the sadness of missing your other two brothers. Paddy didn’t want to hangout with you. He was too busy hanging out with his friends and playing football. Sam was always at the restaurant or in the kitchen at your parents house. You would stay with him and watch him cook, but it wasn’t the same.

Your sleep schedule was messed up due to the fact you were staying up late watching Netflix. Looking over at the clock, it read 3 am. Pulling your phone from your bedside table, you pulled up Tom’s contact and decided to FaceTime him. It only rang for a couple of seconds before he answered.

“Is everything okay?” Tom asked worriedly. You could tell he was laying in bed.

“Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you.” You answered honestly.

“It’s 3 am where you are! Why are you not asleep?” His eyes widened as he realized how late it was for you.

“I can’t. My schedules messed up. I’m fine. Did I wake you?” You asked, scared of the answer.

“No. I was just watching some TV before I went to bed. I have a 7am call time.” He said and you breathed a sigh of relief for not waking him.

“How was filming today?” You said looking at his tired eyes.

“It was good. We did a hard scene today, but it went really well. We have another hard, long day again tomorrow.” Tom rubbed the tired out of his eyes. He was just about to fall asleep when called.

“I’m sorry you’ve had some hard days.” You said sincerely.

“Thanks but it’s okay. Thankfully Harry’s here. He’s really helping me.” Tom sighed.

“I’d help you if I was there. I know it’s hard, but I’m proud of you.” You said with your eyes tearing up.

“Are you doing okay?” Tom asked concern noticing the change of tone in your voice. “Mum said you’ve been at the house a lot.”

“I’m doing okay. I went and got my nails done today with Chandra.” You said showing Tom the Marvel based nails. With Tom only being a year older than you, he got you into Marvel when you were younger. Spider-Man was always your favorite and when Tom got the role, you celebrated just as much or even more than he did.

“I like them. They’re pretty.” Tom said with a small smile. “How are you holding up though with me and Harry being gone? I haven’t asked in a while.”

You sighed and looked away from Tom. You didn’t want him to know how much you missed him, but you missed your best friend. “I’m good. Been hanging out with friends more and I help Sam when he’s at home. Mum, Dad, and I have had movie nights. It’s been good.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, still concerned. You felt a tear you had been fighting fall down your cheek. You looked away from the phone. “Y/N/N. Look at me.”

Shaking your head, “I’m fine Tom. I just miss my best friend.”

“I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do.” He said.

“I’ll be okay.” You whispered.

“How about this…” Tom said. “Let me fly you out to visit. We are about to do some of the easier stuff and you can come stay with us while the scenes aren’t so intense.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m just being weird.” You said not wanting for him to be pressured into inviting you.

“Separation anxiety isn’t you being weird. It’s an actual thing.” He said sincerely. He cared about you. You didn’t know you had this issue until Tom got the role of Spider-Man and left for Atlanta. Your mum noticed you clingy to them more or your other brothers. When Tom arrived home you stuck to him like glue. Your mum decided to take you to a doctor to see if there was anything to do for you. You learned the anxiety medicine didn’t help you and talking to a therapist only went so far. All you wanted, was to be with your whole family.

“I’ll get Harry to schedule you a flight. Pack warm clothes and at least two weeks worth.” He said.

“No, Tom, it’s okay. I’ll be okay.” You fought back.

“I’m serious. Come stay with us. Harry will get your flight.” He kept fighting back.

“If you're sure.” You said softly. Tom almost didn’t hear it.

“I’m sure. I miss you too. Plus having you here may help me.” Tom said, laying back down on his pillow. You could tell he was tired, but he was staying awake for you.

“I appreciate it, T.” You spoke honestly. “I really do miss you. I love you.”

“Love you too y/n/n.” He whispered while fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Get some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Night.” Tom said before hanging up. You smiled knowing you were finally going to get to see your brother again very soon. You laid back on your bed and finally felt the exhaustion from staying up late. You could worry about what you were going to pack tomorrow.

When Tom told Harry to schedule you a flight out, Harry accidentally scheduled it too early. Tom still had some hard scenes to film. When you landed in America, he didn’t want you to come to set, but he didn’t want to leave you at home either.

Harry showed you where you could go and couldn’t. You basically only went to Tom’s trailer, the bathroom, the food tent, and Tom’s chair. Today, Tom begged you not to come because he knew the day was full of hard things. He knew what the last scene was going to be filmed and he didn’t want you to see that.

You insisted you could handle it. You didn’t want to be alone. You wanted to spend time with your brother. Tom finally gave in after you promised you would stay in his trailer during that final scene.

Throughout the day, you stayed close to Tom. When he wasn’t filming or on set, you were right beside him. He tried to be understanding of how you were feeling, but he really needed to step away from everything he’s been feeling for filming.

“How’s your sandwich?” Tom asked at dinner. It had been a long day and there was only one more thing to film before there were four days off.

“It’s good. How’s your salad?” You asked, pointing at his plate.

“It’s good.” He said nonchalantly. You knew he was craving more food. You had asked Harry to go get him a cheeseburger with fries. You looked up and noticed him carrying a bag from Five Guys.

You smiled and Tom looked over his shoulder. “Thanks for going to get that Harry.” You said as Harry sat next to you. You grabbed the bag and pulled out the burger and fries. “Eat up Tom. I know you’re hungry for more.”

“I can’t you guys.” Tom said in a defeated tone. “I’m still on this diet. I can’t. I can’t do that to everyone that’s working on this film.”

You sighed, “Tom, you have had salads everyday for two weeks. You can have one burger. You need more food.” Tom looked at you and then looked at Harry.

“I mean, I did go get it and I agree with Y/N. You do need to eat more and it will be okay. One cheeseburger won’t hurt.” Harry said. Finally Tom agreed to eating the food Harry brought. “Y/n/n are you going to set tonight?”

“No. I promised Tom I wouldn’t be there.” You answered honestly. Harry looked over at Tom shocked. Harry figured Tom would want you there since it’s such a hard scene. Maybe have someone other than him that’s familiar.

“You can come work with me.” Harry told you.

Tom looked up at him shocked. “I don’t want her to see this. It’ll be hard enough to have her watching it in the movie.”

“I think it’ll be good for her to be there. It’s a hard scene and I won’t be able to be there between takes.” Harry said. Harry was doing a new role tonight and needed to focus on that.

“It’s okay Harry. I can wait in the trailer. I brought my book.” You said with a smile. Trying to help Tom out so he doesn’t feel like he’s being teamed up on. Tom smiled at you gratefully. Harry turned to Tom and started to whisper something to him. You watched Tom’s demeanor change. He rolled his eyes before turning back to you.

“You can come. Bring your book and a blanket. You can sit in my chair.” Tom said finally giving into Harry.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind waiting in the trailer. Promise.” You told Tom. Tom finished eating his food before standing up to go to his trailer with you and Harry following. He walked in and grabbed your book off of the counter and grabbed your blanket. “Let’s go.” Tom said as he walked out the door towards the set.

“Tom. I’m not going.” You said. Harry shook his head and started to push you towards set. “I promised I wouldn’t go.”

“Come on y/n/n. I promise it’s okay. I don’t count this as a broken promise. I want you there.” Tom said with a sigh. You decided not to keep fighting with him about it. You ran to catch up with him and grabbed the blanket and book from him. “Thank you.” He whispered. “This is going to be a difficult scene to watch, so I’m sorry for what you have to see.”

“It’s okay Tom. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.” You said with a small smile.

Later that night, Tom was in the makeup trailer getting his makeup removed. You were sitting in his trailer with Harry waiting to go home. You tried to hold in your tears. You hated seeing Tom like that.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked.

“Great.” You said forcing a smile.

Harry looked at you skeptically and then nodded. He pulled out his phone and sent the video he got to Tom. You were exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. You decided to lay down and rest your eyes until Tom got back. You were just about to fall into a deep sleep when you heard Tom walk in.

“Should I send this to mum?” Tom asked with a laugh.

“Do it.” Harry laughed. “But first, let’s go home. I think someone needs a bed.”

Tom looked over at your sleeping body. He smiled at you. Harry was right. Having you there helped him. This was probably the hardest scene he was going to have to film in the whole movie.

“Go get the car. I’ll bring her out.” Tom said as he started putting your stuff in your backpack. He quickly put his and your backpacks over his shoulder before he moved over towards you. He picked you up bridal style and made sure the blanket didn’t fall off. “Shhh. It’s just me. We’re going home.” He said when you started to wake.

Pulling up to the house, Tom decided to shake you awake this time. You woke and looked around confused before you unbuckled and walked into the house. You crashed on the couch and watched Tom set your backpack in the chair.

“How are you doing? Today was hard.” You said.

Tom picked your feet up and sat down before he placed your feet in his lap. He laid his head back. “Today sucked. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight.” Tom said with a sigh.

“Want to talk about it?” You asked.

“No. There isn’t much to talk about. I just need to get out of that mental mindset.” Tom said honestly. “How are you? That had to be hard to watch.”

You finally let a tear slip. “I’m okay. I just didn’t like seeing you like that.”

“I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to see the hard parts.” He said, pulling you into a hug.

“It’s okay. I promise. It’s scary to think people actually go through that. I don’t want to see you or anyone go through this.” You whispered.

“Hopefully this movie brings light to these situations and starts a conversation.” Tom said, giving you a kiss on the head before releasing you. “Now no more talks of this. Let’s try to forget about today and watch a movie instead.”

Tom started up a comedy to try and bring the mood up. Harry joined you after changing into his pajamas. Mid way through the movie, you fell asleep. Tom looked over at you. He knew you being here helped you, but in his head he was worried about you and everything you were seeing. It was hard to focus on you and filming.

It’s now been a year since Tom finished filming Cherry. Tom invited you to come with him to film Spider-Man No Way Home. He went three months without seeing you after the pandemic due to his heavy film schedule for Uncharted. He knew those were hard days for you since you went from spending all day with him to not even seeing him.

Now Tom was doing press for Cherry since it is due to come out in a few weeks. He set up in the living room. Harry had got a ring light to make the videos look better. You were supposed to be out while Tom was doing his few interviews for the day, but you got back early. He still had one more to go. You decided to sit in your room so you wouldn’t interrupt.

Even with your door closed, you could hear Tom talking to the interviewer. What you heard made your heart stop.

“Tom, your brother and sister were with you when filming Cherry, right?” they asked.

“They were. Harry helped on the film. Even had a small role. And my sister, Y/N, came out to visit and stayed the rest of filming.” Tom answered.

“Did having them there help you?”

“It did. This was a role I had to go to a dark place. Having them there really helped ground me and bring me back from that dark place. They definitely had my back during these times. I was actually on a strict diet throughout filming. Y/N actually made Harry go get me a cheeseburger on her first night there because she knew that I needed a little more substance. I had two weeks worth of salads and she knew I needed a little more. On nights of hard filming, we would all sit in the living room and watch a comedy because it all took us a while to calm down from the day. So having them there was very important to me.”

“That's amazing to hear.” they said. “It’s always good to have family there for you. You said there were hard filming nights. Even though it was hard, which was your favorite?”

“There was one scene that was extremely hard to film. The entire day was hard. Sadly, it was my sister’s first day there. I didn’t want her to see those scenes, but it was good to have her there. The day was a couple of scenes that dealt with something with Emily. The whole day was based on that situation. It was a variety of emotions. I had to be scared, angry, sad.” Tom said. “I actually sent my mum a video from that and she was not happy. She called me immediately to tell me she didn’t appreciate it.” He laughed.

“Can you give us a hint of what that was?” they asked.

“I don’t want to give too much away, but it’s when I’m in the truck. You’ll know when you see it because it involves Emily and it’s very hard to watch.” Tom said.

“You say it’s hard to watch and that was your sister’s first day, how did she handle it? And how did Harry handle it?” you heard them ask. They were starting to dig deeper.

“Harry was the one that filmed that scene so I could send it to my mum.” Tom laughed. He knew Nikki would give him heck for it later, but he knew it was only because she cared. “My sister actually hated watching that scene. She’ll hate me for saying this, but she cried. It scared her because she said it felt real and she didn’t want to see anyone like that.”

“That makes sense. Both of you are close in age, how are the two of yours relationship? It has to be good for you to allow her to visit during such a hard movie.”

“We are very close. She’s my best friend. I can say this because she openly talks about it and helps raise money for charities, but she has anxiety and one thing that really affects her is her separation anxiety. It was great to have her on set because she brought me back to myself, helped me get out of that dark mindset. But at times, I felt I was more worried about her and making sure she was okay. Mixing the stress of taking care of her and the stress of playing the role was hard to take on.”

You listened and felt tears build up. You made Tom’s job harder. You felt a tear fall down your face and you held back a sob so Tom couldn’t hear. You immediately went to the closest and grabbed your suitcase. You started packing your clothes. Once you were finished you set it near the door and grabbed your laptop so you could find a plane ticket. Tom walked in as you were searching.

“Why is your suitcase out?” He asked, confused.

“I’m going home.” You said shortly.

“Why?” He questioned.

“I’m just a burden to you. I don’t want you to have to worry about me while you focus on filming. I just like being in the same city as you. I didn’t mean to add stress to you.” You said as a tear slipped.

Tom sighed, “You heard?” He asked. You nodded. “Did you hear everything?”

“I didn’t need to. I heard enough.” You said honestly.

“So you didn’t hear what I said after that?” He asked. You shook your head. “I told them that it was worth it. That I would go through 20 times the stress if it meant you were happy and safe. That your anxiety wasn’t holding you back. That I used some of the stress from caring about you to help with the film. You remember the emotional scene in Morocco.” You once again shook your head. “I used the stress to make that scene. I know that sounds bad, but I think that really helped me hit the emotion I needed.”

“That was a beautiful scene. From what I saw, it’s one of my favorites for you. It’s heartbreaking, but you made the viewers feel what you were feeling. That was because of me?” Tom nodded his head.

“I’m sorry for admitting to it, but just know, if we redid all of the filming, I would have you there from day 1. I love having you around. I have all this noise around me that is trying to change me and having you here helps keep me the kid from Kingston.” Tom said. “Please don’t leave. I really do want you here.”

You looked around at your room. You then focused on your suitcase. You thought about it. “I’ll stay.” Tom smiled when you looked at him. “Only if you promise me something.”

“Anything.” He agreed.

“If I am stressing you out, in the way, or affecting your work, you tell me. I’ll stay here for a few days or I’ll go home. I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

“Your anxiety isn't a problem. It’s something you battle and I want to help you fight.” Tom interfered.

“I know. And you will. But if it affects you, it isn’t fighting, it’s a problem. So please promise me that you’ll tell me.” You begged.

“I promise. But know you are never a burden to me. You are my best friend and I love you. I want you here. Trust me on that.” Tom said as he pulled you into a hug. “Now, are you ready to go to dinner? We have an early day on set tomorrow.”

You nodded. You knew that your anxiety was a battle but you didn’t want to bother Tom. You knew he was telling the truth when he said you weren’t a burden. You knew the thought would come back, but you had to tell yourself that it was your anxiety. Now working on your separation anxiety would be worked on at a later date.

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blouisparadise · 4 years ago

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Here are some amazing bottom Louis fics that were posted or completed during the month of October. We hope you enjoy this list. Happy reading!

1) You Control Me (Even If Its Just Tonight) | Explicit | 1591 words

Louis rides Harry and thinks he's in control.

2) Save a Horse | Explicit | 2400 words

Louis goes to a rodeo with Liam, and gets a lot more than he bargained for. Featuring bull rider Harry, obnoxious t-shirts, and one hell of a night.

3) El Comienzo De Una Vida | Teen & Up | 2779 words

Note: There is no smut in this fic, but it contains omega Louis, so we’ve included it in this monthly roundup. This fic is the second part of a series.

After being bartered to Harry to save his kingdom, Louis is on his way to the Alpha's homeland and he would very much like him to stop being so cautious and just kiss him, god damn it!

4) A Treat For You And A Treat For Me | Explicit | 3416 words

Louis blushed at Harry’s flirty tone. “You’re just saying that to get in my pants.” He giggled, half joking. “But thank you. I’m glad you like it.”

“Not just to get in your pants, baby. I’m being honest. You’re always cute. Are you wearing mascara?” He asked, licking over his lips. Louis in makeup always did something to Harry. He loved it.

Louis nodded, leaning forward. “I am. Do you like it? I’m also wearing some cute Halloween panties under my costume.. if you wanna see them later?” He murmured, letting his lips touch Harry’s lightly before pulling away, a tiny smile on his lips.

Harry’s mouth opened a bit, but no words came out. Instead Louis was lifted up and carried in Harry’s arms, up the stairs. “Later? I wanna see them now.” He whispered into Louis’ ear, hot breath sending shivers down Louis’ body. ��Missed you so much since last time.”

5) A Kiss For Then, A Kiss For Now (And A Million More) | Mature | 6073 words

Note: There is no smut in this fic, but it contains omega Louis, so we’ve included it in this monthly roundup. This is the sequel to this fic.

A collection of moments from Petal's life with her mummy, the stinky alpha and their new baby boy.

6) Terror At Our Door | Explicit | 6201 words

A hurt man comes to Harry's home on Halloween, bringing in a world of mystery that Styles didn't want at all.

What a shame that feelings are involved too.

7) Fight Me Breathless | Mature | 7596 words

Louis Tomlinson has no idea why he’s in a London hospital for asthma, but enter Harry Styles, his doctor, who he definitely doesn’t think is hot, and he’s left wondering if asthma is why he can’t seem to breathe properly with his doctor around.

8) This Ain't Red Wine | Explicit | 9054 words

It’s not until he gets a whiff of the contents of his glass that Louis realizes his grave mistake.

That’s not red wine.

It’s blood.

It’s probably not the most rational, but his first thought is what people are going to think when they discover his body. On the list of stupidest ways for a human to die, accidentally turning up to a Vampire party has to be pretty high up there.

9) Colder Weather | Explicit | 15132 words

Note: Please remember to check tags for any trigger warnings.

Louis doesn’t know what comes over him. “Please H-Harry, take me,” Louis looks back at the farmhouse, swallowing once as his skittish eyes fall onto the master bedroom window, “Take me with you, please.”

Harry’s scent flares, the tinged anger so noticeable that Louis draws back out of the alpha’s space.

“Is he hittin’ on you?”

Louis’ right hand rests briefly against the bruise forming rapidly over the right side of his rib cage, the darkness of the night hiding the movement. “No.”

10) Those Who From The Pit Of Hell, Roam To Seek Their Prey On Earth | Explicit | 17636 words

1889. Louis Tomlinson is a student at the prestigious Harrow School for Boys, nurturing his passion for forensic medicine under the care of a particularly mysterious and dark teacher, Harry Styles, who has set his main focus on a series of gruesome murders, all of them reflecting the year 1888, when Jack the Ripper went rampant in the poor streets of Whitechapel.

11) The Shining Distraction That Makes Me Fly Home | General Audiances | 19397 words

Note: There is no smut in this fic, but it contains omega Louis, so we’ve included it in this monthly roundup.

An omega Louis and an alpha Harry find themselves in a forced marriage that gives Louis the freedom he desires in exchange for Harry being chained up a bit more.

12) Welcome to The Rivalry | Mature | 19671 words

“Welcome home!” Niall yelled, clapping his hands in excitement. “Isn’t it great?”

Louis looked between Niall and the house, unsure how to respond.

“I don’t understand,” Louis finally managed to say. “Aren’t we a little old to be living so close to campus?”

Niall scoffed. “You’re only twenty-four for fuck’s sake. There is still plenty of partying left for us to do. What better place than one street over from where a car was set on fire after the Michigan game last year?”

“Is there proof of that? Did the car have Michigan plates or something? Is there a photo I can send in a DM to Wolfie?”

As if on cue, a Twitter notification popped up on Louis’ Apple watch. He had tweeted again.

13) Welcome to the Bottom of the World | Not Rated | 20859 words

Louis is an American musher/expedition guide, Harry is a scientist from England. They meet in the middle of Antarctica, what could go wrong?

14) Reach The Heavens Own Blue | Explicit | 21070 words

He steps up to the plate, eyes glazing over as he watches Harry chew sunflower seeds, his jaw moving obnoxiously and exaggeratedly. His eyes drag down Harry’s body, settling on his large bulge, accentuated in those sinful pinstripe pants. The lines cut across it just right, curving where he’s thickest. Louis wants to crawl across the dirt on his knees and just take what Harry gives him.

Louis shuts his eyes for a moment, opening them to find Harry staring at him with a smug expression. He fucking knows. Louis gets into position and waits for the pitch. He swings when Harry throws, missing the ball just barely. Strike one.

15) Terror Of Surrender | Explicit | 31566 words

Harry instructs them to step into Crescent Lunge, stopping when he gets to Louis to adjust his hips. “I think you can bend a little more.” He helps Louis deepen the stretch, his hands tight on his hips. “Good boy.”

Louis gasps quietly, his eyes snapping to Harry’s, his heart pounding in his chest. Harry’s eyes drop to his lips, his hands smoothing down Louis’ stretched thighs, then he’s turning and walking to the front of the class.

16) Eyes Off You | Explicit | 39396 words

A Charlie’s Angels inspired fic where Louis is the brains, Harry is the charm, Liam is the muscle, and Niall drives the getaway car - and Zayn is there, too. sometimes.

17) Puncture | Mature | 43383 words

Note; This fic has mentions of BH.

An alternate universe where Harry bites Louis and hates the taste of his blood but is still obsessed with him anyway.

18) Your Touch Shouldn't Make Me Feel Like This | Explicit | 48883 words

Uni AU in which Alpha Harry has been in love with his omega friend for the longest time and one motorbike trip to the countryside with Louis made him realize that he could no longer hold back his feelings.

19) Just A Flicker In The Dark | Explicit | 57191 words

Harry Styles is his case partner. High and mighty, annoyingly smug Harry Styles who’s known him for years and has fucking seen him naked for fuck’s sake.

He glances at Venus who’s blinking up at him with curious eyes, no doubt sensing the agitation sparking in his magic.

“This is not happening,” Louis says loudly. “This is not fucking happening. I am going to kill Liam, oh my god.” He doesn’t even know if Liam is responsible for this but it feels like something he’d do to drive Louis absolutely insane - exes don’t just show up to your assigned haunted house out of nowhere. “Fucking fuck!”

He nearly jumps when Harry knocks again, his muffled voice carrying through the wood. “I can hear you, you know,” he drawls, sounding frustratingly amused.

Louis exhales, resisting the urge to scream.

20) Wild Thing | Mature | 65962 words

Harry doesn’t think love is for him, until Louis shows him just how wild love is.

21) Three Days in February | Explicit | 187642 words

Louis is cursed after a night out with the lads and the five have just three days to figure out what happened and how to break it before Harry and Louis both lose their sanity and maybe something more. Louis can hear everything Harry thinks and Harry isn’t sure he can keep his feelings for Louis a secret from his own mind.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

You can find other monthly roundup fic rec lists here.

#bottom louis #top harry #blp fic recs #monthly fic recs #fic recs #blp #larry

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formeandmyfics · 3 years ago

Text

Jugenea Fic

I’LL NEVER STOP WANTING YOU

When an almost divorced, and recently dumped, Judy goes out looking for a good time at an unfamiliar nightclub, Gene refuses to let her leave with a stranger.

1943

The streets of Metro’s east lot were quiet and empty as Gene walked down the black pavement waving through a lawn between rehearsal halls. The pavement was dewy as it just finished raining and the July air was muggy, sounds of crickets filled his ears.

He had his hands in his pockets and his steps were slow. It was after nine o’clock but he wasn’t in a hurry to get to his car. In fact, he wasn’t in a hurry to get home either. Like everyone else on a Friday evening, normally he would have already been out of there, but that was when he had something exciting to get to.

Judy crossed his mind. This time last year, while filming ‘My Gal’, the two couldn’t wait to meet up at Ciro’s on a Friday evening. They would dance and laugh and have fun with friends then end the night rolling around the back seat of his car like love struck teenagers. Frequently he would get off to her BJ or she to his fingers, but rarely they’d actually make love in the vehicle. That was mostly done in their trailers at the studio where they had privacy.

Lately, the only thing he looked forward to after work was Kerry. But right now she was out east with his parents for a few weeks, letting his family spend time with her during the summer.

He had just gotten back from filming in Europe and he and Betsy seemed to be off track again. He wanted to get back on it, but his determination that he had to fix his marriage, back when they had the baby last October, just wasn’t there as much as it used to be. He didn’t even feel like going to Ciro’s. If Judy was there, he was afraid he’d slip right back into what he tried so hard to avoid to work on his marriage. But, if she ended up not being there, he knew he’d also be disappointed. She was still his friend and gave him so much joy. He missed her sense of humor.

After the new year, they ended their affair. He wanted it more than her, he could tell, but she wanted one last shot at saving her new, but defeating marriage to Dave. Shortly after, he heard about her nervous collapse on the set of ‘Girl, Crazy’ followed by three weeks of rest. Roger informed him, over coffee in the commissary one day, that it was that God-damn Busby that was the result. Gene suspected their split was a part of it as well, though he never asked her. Never had a chance.

In March they reunited to record a radio adaptation of their picture, and Judy sent him flirtatious signals that only he would recognize, but he made a point to ignore them. She remained cordial.

Four months.

He hadn’t seen her, or spoken to her, for four months. He read about her in the paper, spoke of her with mutual friends, heard her on the radio, but hadn’t seen her lovely face since then. Gene knew one thing; he was coming off a withdrawal from Judy Garland and it wasn’t fun. It was a total downer.

Gene jingled his car keys in his pocket as he could see the east parking lot up ahead, but he felt something in that moment that people rarely felt there: peace. It was the most deserted and silent he had ever heard Metro. Except for a janitor or construction worker rolling by on a golf cart, he was alone. It felt nice. He sat down on a bench outside Goldwyn Hall, a two-story brick building, named after one of the studio’s founding fathers. Upstairs were vocal rehearsal rooms and downstairs were songwriter and lyricist's offices. Gene had spent a lot of time in that building when he first came to Metro last year.

After Gene sat down, he bent his head forward, as he rested his elbows on his knees, and spun his keys around his finger. But, an echo of music started playing behind him. It was piano. He quickly grasped his keys to silence them when he heard Judy’s voice. His first initial reaction was that someone had the radio on or was playing back a recording, but her voice went from faint then got stronger.

Gene lifted his head when he heard her stop, then start over again. That was her. He turned around on the bench and looked up at the second story window that was open and the light was on. He felt his heart flutter when he realized she was up there. Gene double checked his watch. She wasn’t working this late was she? Maybe with Roger? His office was downstairs. Curious, but also failing to stop the urge to see her again, he got up and walked inside.

Judy was sitting alone at the piano in one of the small rehearsal rooms, her beautiful and distinctive voice bouncing off of every corner, as she sang, and played, ‘But Not For Me’.

Gene was leaning his shoulder on the wall, behind the see-through, glass door as he watched her. Even though the door was shut, he could still clearly hear her. She was lost in the song, playing by heart, singing with certain expressions; it was as if she were still in front of the cameras.

When Judy mindlessly glanced up, she did a double take, seeing him. Through the sound of music, she could suddenly hear her own heartbeat thudding. She was surprised to see him, but at the same time, wasn’t. He tended to show up at places like this, at the strangest of times. She noted how handsome, and relaxed he looked leaning there behind the glass watching her.

She genuinely smiled through a lyric acknowledging him. Her voice didn’t falter nor did the keys.

He had been spotted, Gene thought, and he pulled the door open. She continued the song, her eyes following him as he slowly walked over to the piano. He seemed so shy that his steps were careless, his heels scuffling against the floor.

Leaning his elbows on the piano his eyes didn’t quite catch hers as he listened. Instead, he glanced at the music on top of the piano. He knew she couldn’t read a note of music, that’s why she wasn’t using it. She had this uncanny way of knowing how to sing a song, and play it on piano, once hearing the melody only once, twice at most. Something only he, and a very few others knew, was that she played the piano. She refused to have that small pleasure taken away to be a money making venture.

When her fingers played the last few notes of her current song, she kept her eyes glued on Gene who looked a little melancholy, tapping his pointed finger against the sheet music, obviously lost in his thoughts. It made her feel a little uneasy, and sad, so she purposely started playing the beginning to ‘For Me and My Gal’. Gene instantly smiled before looking over at her. She smiled back.

“Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong...” she sang the opening verse.

“Do you hear the bells go ding dong,” he chimed while singing with her.

They both chuckled and she stopped playing as she sat on the bench next to her.

“How are you, darling,” she asked.

“Oh, just swell. You?”

“Oh, life’s just a bowl of cherries.”

She sounded cheery, but he knew her comment was more sarcastic. He had read about her separation from her husband and that she had just recently moved into a house up in Bel Air. He also heard about her short-lived affair with Joe Mackiewicz out in Palm Springs where she had filmed the rest of her Mickey picture. Rumor was that married Mackiewicz just wanted fun but Judy wanted more. Gene didn’t usually pay much attention to gossip, but this time he had a feeling it was true. It could almost be the same thing that happened to them, though Gene didn’t just see her as a piece of ass, like he was sure a man like Joe did, Gene had fallen for her; mind, body and soul.

“What are you doing up here all alone, toots?”

“I have a radio show tomorrow night to promote ‘Girl, Crazy’. I was just going over a few songs. What about you? You’re never at the studio this late.”

“I was doing some post-ADR for my picture. Then got caught up in a choreography session for a film I might do for Columbia in a few months.”

“Columbia,” Judy said shocked, “I’m surprised Mr. Mayer is letting them borrow you.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because studios usually don’t like to hand out their big stars.”

“I’m no Gable, sweetheart.”

“Yet,” she emphasized confidently, with her finger up, “Each film you’ve done so far has been big box office draws and you’ve gotten raves in the papers.”

“Yeah, all three of them,” he rolled his eyes, “Our film was a hit because of you, baby, and ‘Pilot #5’ egh, first dramatic role, wasn’t too great in it. And you know ‘DuBarry’ was all Red and Lucy Ball.”

“That isn’t true.”

“It is. When ‘Thousands Cheer’ comes out I’m sure it will be a hit because, as you know, it’s a star-studded film. I’m sure this war film I just finished will be better than the first dramatic film I did, we’ll see.”

Judy stared at him not believing her ears and he sat there so casually.

“Gene,” she said quite sternly.

“Huh?”

“You know, you’re making me a little angry,” she giggled but was serious.

“Why,” he chuckled back.

“You really need to give yourself more credit.”

“I don’t care about any of that stuff, Judy. I just want to choreograph and dance and work with other great actors. Reviews and box office draws don’t mean a thing to me.”

“Let me ask you something. If our film sank, after how hard we worked on it, wouldn’t you have been disappointed?”

“No, because it brought me to you,” he said smiling cheekily.

She laughed, “I’m serious. Put me out of the equation.”

“Impossible,” he interrupted.

“Really, though. Darling, when you’re passionate about a film, when you really believe in it, and you worked your butt off, and you want it to be something great, and then it tanks, it can be really disheartening.”

“You sound like you’ve been through this before.”

She nodded, “‘Wizard of Oz’. You don’t know how long I worked on that film. It was fun but really hard. By the end, I just knew we had something great. Then when I went to see it, and it didn’t have the reaction we all hoped, it kinda broke my heart. I always thought that it was me, that it would have done better if they had stuck with Shirley.”

“Shirley who?”

“Temple.”

“Get out of here.”

“Mm hm. They were juggling us back and forth but Fox wouldn’t let Shirley go back then.”

“She’s a sweetie pie, but she’s a baby actor and dancer, not a singer. ‘Over the Rainbow’,” he gave her a silly look showing her that it was destined to be a Judy Garland song only, “Please.”

Judy giggled, “See. And that’s what always wins...music. Even if a film doesn’t do well, or the story is not that great, a good musical number or song will always be remembered. Rainbow is mine. What will be yours?”

Gene looked at her taken back a bit, though he wasn’t all surprised. She always came off beyond wise for her years.

“I will always take pride in my dancing. I did the same on Broadway.”

“Ok. And hold onto that, because your dancing, or a particular musical number of yours, will be the heart of even the worst of films,” she teased. “It only takes 2 minutes of you tap dancing like you did in ‘DuBarry’ that will be remembered out of a 90 minute film. Be proud of it and don’t hold yourself short. And if you find yourself disappointed, that means you’re passionate about it, and that’s ok, too.”

Gene looked at her slyly and pressed a few keys on the piano, his ego shooting through the roof.

“My biggest fan.”

Judy wrapped her arms around his bicep and leaned her cheek against his shoulder, “Are you mine?”

Gene stiffened a bit. Her question was bouncing from his statement, but her voice suggested something entirely different.

“You know I’ll always be your biggest fan, Judy. Always gonna stand by and root for ya, honey.”

“I’ve missed you,” she said sweetly, raising her head to rest her chin on his shoulder now, staring at the side of him as he looked away from her angelic face.

“I know. I’ve been busy with work. I’ve been out promoting the last film and then I was across the pond filming ‘Cross of Lorraine’. I just got back last week. I haven’t even been out to any clubs. I know you were filming out on location, too.”

Judy’s face dropped a bit, “That’s not what I meant.”

He sighed, “No, I didn’t think so.”

“Haven’t you missed me?”

“I’ve missed my best friend.”

“That’s all?”

“Yes. I can’t cross that line.”

“What line,” she asked annoyed.

“The line you’re on, baby,” he said looking back at her trying to make his point clear without hurting her feelings. But, it was already too late.

Judy slid her arms from his and sat up straight. She tried to distract herself as she played some keys, pretending to get back to rehearsing. Gene also read her point cloud and clear.

“I’m glad I got to see you again. I’ll tell ya one thing,” he said reaching under her chin to have her look up at him, “I’ve missed that face.”

Judy just blinked, no expression present, but he could read her eyes, she was upset. But she had to get over it, over him.

“Go home and get some rest.”

“It’s lonely there, you know.”

“Then distract yourself. Go out with some friends, go to Ciro’s. You love that and you don’t have to be here tomorrow.”

Judy brushed his hand off of her and went back to playing.

Gene was silent a moment before he leaned down and kissed her cheek, “Good night.

When the door shut behind him, Judy pound her hands on the keys and stood up, “Fine. I will go out. I’m going to go out and find a man who will actually want me,” she said to herself as she collected her purse.

Gene pulled up at a red light on Venice Boulevard, his head and his heart in an emotional battle, when he heard a honk. Looking over, his buddy Van Johnson was smiling, motioning for him to roll his window down. Gene smiled back, and leaned far over to roll the passenger side down.

"Hey buddy," Van said cheerfully.

"What are you doing out in this part of town this late? You're usually out hob-knobbing on Friday nights."

"Had a late dinner with Evie and a couple of her girlfriends. She wanted to stay, so I high-tailed it out of there."

Gene looked ahead making sure the light was still red, "Too much cock in the hen house?"

"Exactly. What are you doing out this way?"

"Just left the studio," Gene motioned behind him, where the studio stood a few minutes back.

"This late?" Gene nodded and Van continued, "Damn. Well, you got any plans?”

"Nope."

"You wanna go out and have a few?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. But let's do one of the joints on Melrose. I don't feel like swinging with Hollywood tonight."

The light turned green so they quickly ended their conversation.

"How about Blue Martini, Melrose and La Cienega?"

"I gotta go home and change first. I'll meet you there," Gene shouted as they started rolling as cars honked behind both of them.

He chuckled when he saw Van, in his rearview mirror, throw his hand out the window at the car behind him.

When Gene arrived home, the house was dark and quiet. Upstairs, Betsy was curled in bed with a book and the radio going next to her.

"Hi."

"Hi. You're home late."

"I know. I stayed and worked on some ideas for that 'Cover Girl' picture coming up. And I ran into Judy when I was leaving," he said casually as he started to unbutton his shirt.

"Oh yeah? How's she doing," Betsy asked a bit uninterested as she continued to read her suspense book.

"Fine. Didn't talk too long. She just got back from filming on location, too."

"I'm surprised you didn't catch up with her. You haven't seen her for a while, right," Betsy said now placing the book in her lap, "You two became good friends back on your picture. Maybe we can arrange to all have dinner sometime."

Gene froze for a moment before walking into the walk-in closet. He had mentioned Judy casually, to keep it unsuspecting, but now the conversation was going further than he meant.

Speaking up from the closet he changed the subject real fast, "Van pulled up next to me at a red light. Invited me out for a few drinks right now," he poked his head out, "I know you're all comfy, but do you want to come with me?"

"No, thanks," she said smiling sheepishly as she snuggled further into bed to hint to him that she was very comfy, "But you go ahead."

Gene leaned back and raised his eyebrows to himself as he picked out a fresh dress shirt. He wasn't surprised at her response. She rarely liked to go out lately, not since they moved to Los Angeles. He understood at first. Perhaps she was shy. He was always able to persuade her then though. Then pregnancy happened, then the baby was born. He understood that as well. But Kerry was nine months old now. His wife could at least try but she got way too comfortable being a homebody while Gene enjoyed the nightlife.

June Allyson held hands with Judy as she led her through the crowded nightclub called the Blue Martini on Melrose not too far from Paramount Studios. Judy knew most of her pals were at The Player’s Club or Ciro’s or another joint on the Sunset Strip. She wanted to go out and have a night of flirtatious fun with someone she didn’t know. Judy knew if she were to go to Ciro’s, as Gene suggested, which was one of her favorite places, then word would get back to Mr. Mayer of her indiscretions and she didn’t feel like spending Monday morning in his office getting another talking to.

Judy didn’t want to show up somewhere alone, and she didn’t know many other bars, so she didn’t want to end up in some dive. She had to think of someone whom she trusted that would know where to go. That brought her to her new friend, June. She was new to Metro and had a small part in ‘Girl, Crazy’. They had hit it off right away. June had the same sense of humor as Judy. And even though on the outside she was the ‘girl next door’, June had street smarts from working on Broadway and living alone in New York. Judy, of course, didn’t know June well enough to tell her of her goal for the night; to have a one-night stand, or at least a good time with a handsome stranger. But, June knew exactly where to go. She described the club as a little jazz gem away from the high-ballers. That’s exactly what Judy wanted.

The club was much smaller than the other places she was used to, but it was still charming, and sexy. The smoke-filled nightclub had an ambience of blue lighting and there was a gorgeous, lit up fountain in the middle of the club.

Judy looked around as June led her swiftly towards a free table over by the bar. She passed many people, ones she didn’t recognize, but they still had an elegant look to them which relaxed her a bit. She definitely was not in some drunkard’s dive.

As they passed a booth of men in suites talking over Brandy, Judy caught a man’s eye. He smiled and looked her up and down as she was rushed by. Judy had just enough time to glance back at him over her shoulder smiling back. She wasn’t sure if he recognized her or not, but she didn’t care at that point. She was already ahead of her goal and he was very handsome.

“Thank goodness we got a table, it’s almost standing room only,” June said sitting down.

“This is great. Where on earth did you find this place?”

“I came here with Lucy a few months ago when we were filming ‘Best Foot Forward’. Her husband was playing here with his band for a few weeks during ‘Rumba’ night. I thought it was a cute place.”

“It’s just what I needed. And look, no cameras going off in your face.”

“That must be hard, to try to have a good time and then you have cameramen running up to you.”

“I really don’t mind it all that much. I guess I’ve gotten used to it, but tonight I wanted to be away from all that. You, darling, will soon find out what it feels like.”

“I’ll be on my way up, that’s what they tell me. I don’t mind though, you know? I’m just happy to be here at the studio working. And,” June said, reaching over to grab Judy’s hand warmly, “To have made friends with you.”

“Me, too. You’re a doll.”

“Cocktails, ladies,” a waitress in a sleek, black uniform asked.

“A glass of red Cabernet for me, please.”

“Top shelf whiskey sour.”

“You got it.”

Chatter filled the nightclub as the band went on break. Judy looked back over her shoulder at the table. She saw the man look at her but he was immersed in his conversation in the booth. She decided to let some cocktails sink in, and music come back, before she got more courage to continue her quest.

“I heard from Arthur that he wants L.B. to put you on contract, that’s a sure thing of being on your way up.”

“He’s talking about having me star in some film with Van Johnson. Until then, I'm still doing my side parts, but I've met so many greats. I really don’t care if I climb up or not. I do hope maybe one day we can work together.”

“I would love that. I would love to sing with you. You sound like a bell.”

“Me,” June sarcastically said, pointing to herself reminding them of who just made that compliment. Both ladies giggled.

“I swear, between you and Gene, it’s like you have no confidence in your talent.”

“Gene?”

“Kelly. Have you met him yet?”

“Not yet. I’ve seen your picture though. It was swell and looked like fun.”

“It was a lot of fun. That was his first picture, you know.”

“I know. I heard that you helped him get it.”

“I wanted him for it and I’m glad the studio listened. His talent is beyond amazing, June, it really is. And we became very good friends.”

“Oh, I could tell that. I would see you two hanging out together outside your sound stages in between takes. I think you were both doing separate films. Ya, he was doing a film with Lucy.”

“Yah. You should have come hung out with us.”

“I didn’t want to intrude. Besides, I was still so new and shy. I’d see you and duck into a stairwell.”

“Oh, stop,” Judy laughed. “You know, Gene was just talking to me earlier about not caring if he gets ahead, all he wants to do is dance and work.”

“I suppose that’s what being green in this industry is all about.”

“Here you are, ladies.”

“Thank you.”

June held up her glass, “To being green.”

“But having confidence in your talent,” Judy said back and the girls clinked glasses before sipping.

June made a noise as she sipped and quickly took her glass away from her lips, “Speak of the devil.”

“What?”

“Gene Kelly just walked in.”

Judy giggled, wiping her pink-polished fingers on her cocktail napkin to rid the wetness of her glass’s condensation. Clearly, June was teasing.

“Van Johnson is with him, too.”

Judy’s eyes widened as she looked up at June, who stared over her shoulder with curious eyes taking another sip of her wine.

“No, they aren’t,” Judy mumbled to herself and turned to look herself.

Yes, they were.

Judy watched as the men figured out where to go in the crowded room. She turned back around and closed her eyes. After Gene’s rejection, he was the last person she wanted to see right now.

“Want to go say hi?”

“You know, I- I’m sure they came here for the same reason we did...to not be bothered. Let’s just leave them alone.”

“Too late, honey, Van’s pointed at us,” she lowered her voice in a deep undertone to be playful, “You’ve been spotted.”

Gene was steps behind Van as he bee lined for the small table for two where Judy sat with a woman that he kind of recognized. He was a bit shell-shocked to see Judy at this joint and it showed plain as day on his face.

“Hiya sweet cheeks,” Van said as he made no hesitation in cuddling Judy hard from the side, to where her chair even scooted with the force of the embrace, and he planted a big kiss on her cheek.

She giggled, and glanced up at Gene, a smile on her face, but she didn’t look too thrilled. Gene could see that.

“You know my buddy here,” Van said sarcastically introducing Gene to Judy.

“Clark Gable,” Gene replied, “I think we’ve met once or twice before,” he replied just as sarcastically.

“I don’t recall,” she said a bit cattily, smiling and batting her lashes.

Gene’s smile dropped but June spoke up, “And I do recall that I haven't met you yet, Mr. Kelly.”

Gene turned his attention to June, “And who might you be, my dear?”

“June Allyson,” Van replied, “Up and rising star at our alma mater. And hopefully my next leading lady.”

“Hopefully.”

“Yes, I’ve seen you around the lot. How do you do, Miss Allyson?”

“June.”

“Then it’s Gene to you.”

“I was just telling Judy how wonderful I thought your film was.”

“Which film is that?”

He shot Judy a look at his intentional remark and it was Judy’s turn to look at Gene sans smile.

Judy perched her lips irritated before nearly speaking through her teeth, a forced smile plastered, “The one we did together, darling.”

“Oh, yes. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Van, buddy, how about we head to the bar? There’s two seats at the end.”

“Ladies, would you like some company? Two women alone in the bar calls for two gentleman callers.”

“Unfortunately, this is a table for two, sweetie,” Judy replied sweetly.

“There’s always our laps,” Van winked.

Judy nervously scratched her neck and chuckled, turning red. She knew which lap she’d end up on and was afraid Gene would push her off.

“And where is Evie,” June asked, mischievously bringing up his girlfriend’s name.

“Hey, I can look but not touch right?”

“Down boy,” Gene said, grabbing Van’s bicep, “I think we might’ve intruded on girl’s night.”

“Then I shall bow out gracefully.”

“Thank you,” Judy said, smiling genuinely and accepted a peck on the lips from her friend.

After Van kissed Judy goodbye, he gave June’s hand a kiss and followed Gene to the bar.

As time went by, even though Judy could feel Gene’s eyes on her, she refused to turn to look at him. Luckily, a few of Van’s friends showed up and the five of the men got lost in conversation, taking Gene’s attention away from her. At one point, Judy could even hear Gene’s laughter from across the way as the men got rowdy.

June and Judy got lost in gossip and anecdotes and enjoyed each other's company along with the live music.

After the waitress put down another fresh drink for Judy, June smiled sheepishly as she just took the last sip of her 2nd glass of wine.

“How are you feeling?”

“Mm, good. How about you?”

“Fine, but I’m not the one drinking my cocktails like water.”

Judy blushed, “They’re good.”

June giggled. She knew well enough that Judy Garland wasn’t an alcoholic. She just needed a well-deserved night off, but June decided that they’d probably be best taking a cab home instead of Judy’s personal chauffeur who had dropped them off. June was still new to this side of business, and didn’t know if she could trust him. Last thing Judy needed was word to get out from her driver that MGM’s ‘it’ girl got inebriated.

Judy looked over at the booth, where the man she first made eyes with was, but he was no longer there. She didn’t notice Gene looking at her as she leaned far back in her chair to look past his group. Curious, he looked behind him to see what or who she was looking at.

Seeing that booth now vacant, Judy decided she’d have to find someone else to flirt with, but first was going to freshen up.

“I’m going to use the washroom,” she said standing up, “I’ll be right back.”

Before June could even respond, Judy lost her balance a bit and June quickly grabbed Judy’s arm and the table that wobbled. Judy found it hilarious as she steadied herself, her infectious laugh louder than anyone else’s in the room.

Her laugh even got Gene’s attention as he watched her walk away from the table. Catching eyes with June, she made a funny drinking motion to tell him Judy was ok but drank too much. He sighed heavily through his nose giving her a nod in acknowledgement.

Judy returned a few minutes later and tried to sit down elegantly, but ended up wobbling the table again.

“Oops.”

“Have you eaten anything?”

“No.”

“I’ll order an appetizer. You gotta eat when you drink.”

“Yes, mother,” she giggled, “I didn’t realize how fast it hit me until I went to the bathroom.”

“That’s usually how it happens.”

“See any cute men walk by while I was gone?”

“I haven’t really paid attention. Why? Are you looking?”

“Maybe,” Judy said back innocently.

Just then they heard a male’s voice next to them, “Sorry to intrude…”

Judy and June both looked up to find the same man that had made eyes at Judy earlier. Judy was pleasantly surprised. He looked to be in his 30's, was tall, great posture, with dark blonde hair and a pearly white smile.

“I don’t normally do this, but Miss Garland, would you mind terribly if I asked for an autograph?”

That answered Judy’s question whether he had recognized her or not.

“I’d love to.”

He handed her a pen and grabbed a clean cocktail napkin on their table sliding it in front of her.

She smiled amused, “Is it for anyone in particular?”

“Myself. Just your name is fine.”

After signing, Judy handed it back to him.

“Lovely,” he said looking at her beautiful signature and folded it up putting it in his pocket, “My name is Tom, but I just used this as an excuse to come over and talk to you especially since we noticed one another when you walked in.”

Judy smiled flirtatiously, very amused now at his frankness. June saw the look on Judy’s face, she tried to suppress her giggle.

“I don’t mind. But I am curious as to why it took you so long to come over.”

The man’s smile widened, his eyes sparkling back, and June cleared her throat.

“I’m going to see what the boys are up to,” she said, grabbing her wine glass.

“Miss,” he said as June smiled at Judy and slipped on by them.

Tom immediately sat down in her seat without asking, “I, ah, I hope your friend doesn’t mind.”

“She doesn’t,” Judy said leaning her chin on her hands, “She can tell I’m interested.”

Judy was never this brave off the bat but the alcohol was helping tremendously and she wanted to have fun. Not only that, she was more confident knowing the man was interested back and her body craved attention.

“Are you now,” he said, his ego boosted.

“Mm hm. You’re very handsome, you know.”

“Well, I always thought you were cute on screen, but you’re even more beautiful in person.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean it. You’re a dish,” his eyes seductively eyed her up and down, “How about another drink?”

“I really shouldn’t,” she said in her most adorable voice. It was definitely an act, but it never failed to get her what she wanted, “I’m already quite tipsy.”

“I see no problem with that, honey,” he said back suggestively. To others, the comment would be seen as a red flag, but it flew right over Judy’s intoxicated head.

“I’ll finish this drink and start drinking water. So, Tom, what do you do?”

“I’m a lawyer downtown. But work-talk is boring.”

“Oh, good. I despise small talk.”

“Then ask me something interesting.”

“Mm, are you single?”

He leaned forward on his elbows like she was, “I am...currently. You?”

“Uh...currently.”

“Maybe we can change that.”

“Yeah,” she asked intrigued, thinking they could possibly go to another nightclub alone, “Well, what are you doing after this?”

“Hopefully I’m looking at it.”

Judy looked at him a little taken back but she was definitely not displeased nor insulted.

“How about a dance, sugar?”

“I’d love it,” she replied and took his hand.

She was lightheaded but feeling very good and let him guide her to the dance floor where other couples were currently slow dancing.

Gene’s eyes stayed glued on Judy and the man as they embraced closely on the dancefloor as everyone around him were rowdy and took no notice. They were too close for Gene’s comfort, especially since he didn't recognize the man. By now, he had become accustomed to all her mutual friends.

“June,” Gene asked as her back was turned to him while she spoke with Van.

“Hm?”

“Who is that dancing with Judy?”

“I don’t know. He came up asking for an autograph just so he could talk to her. That’s why I came over here. They were pretty flirty.”

Gene watched them intently. He could definitely see Judy was not uncomfortable in his arms, but she was drunk. The man knew that, too, and he was sure that he was using it to his advantage.

When the third dance started, their faces were inches apart as they spoke. Gene was becoming more alert and more worked up. He didn’t care if Judy was coming onto the man, it wasn’t right. She was under the influence, feeling vulnerable, not to mention she was a famous celebrity. She couldn’t just go around with random men. It would get her into trouble, in more ways than one. He wasn’t thinking as a jealous ex-lover, he was thinking as her best friend.

When Judy slipped her arms around the guy's neck suggestively as their hips slowly swayed, his hand slid down her ass, cupping the bottom of it. When she didn’t move his hand away, Gene placed his glass on the bar with a loud thump. It was so loud that it got June’s attention. She looked to where Gene was staring.

Gene didn’t even notice June until he saw her walk up to Judy.

“Judy,” June asked, tapping Judy’s back.

The couple turned to her but remained in their stance.

“Hm?”

“Can I talk to you for a moment,” June politely looked at the man, “Sorry.”

Tom didn’t falter and looked down at Judy completely turned on.

“Is it an emergency,” Judy asked concerned.

“No.”

“Well, then, as you can see I’m a little busy right now, darling,” she said, placing her hand on the man’s chest as they started twirling again, “I’ll talk to you later…” she then gave a slurred giggle, “...or more like tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” the man agreed.

As an irritated June walked back towards the bar she mumbled, “Should’ve lied and said it was an emergency.”

Gene was paying his bill when June came back up to him.

“Gene, uh, I know we don’t know each other, but we’re both Judy’s friends, and I have to tell you, I don’t like what’s going on over there.”

“No,” he simply said, agreeing, as he threw down a hefty tip on the edge of the bar for the bartender.

“I realize she’s a grown woman, and separated from her husband, but she’s had too much to drink, you know? She’s not thinking straight.”

“Yep,” he said, as it was nothing new to what had already gone through his mind, “What did she say when you went over?”

“Didn’t want to talk to me. They seem pretty intent on leaving together and I don’t think it’s a good idea especially in her state. What if she regrets it or something bad happens?”

“Nothing’s going to happen.”

“It won’t?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not going to let it. She’s too good a friend of mine for me to let her leave with some guy she doesn’t know. Plus,” he emphasized, “she’s Judy Garland.”

“That was my thought, too,” June looked over to the dance floor and didn’t see them. She looked at their table which was still empty, “Gene, where did they go?”

Gene quickly looked around and didn’t see them either. When he whipped his body towards the door, it was just enough time for him to see them exit holding hands.

“Oh, nope,” he said sternly as he grabbed his fedora, “Nope.”

June watched as she saw Gene swiftly head towards the door.

Gene didn’t see them when he first walked out the doors but he heard her loud laugh echo from around the corner and his steps became longer and faster. When he turned the corner, he saw Judy wobble on her heels but the man laughed with her and secured an arm around her waist. Tom reached down, giving her a kiss on the cheek as they headed towards a black Cadillac.

That son-of-a-bitch, Gene thought as his steps became angry the closer he got to them. Before he knew it, he grabbed Judy's free hand.

“Thanks,” he said to the other man as he started pulling her away, but Judy quickly resisted.

“Gene, what are you doing?”

Her horrified voice made Tom quickly grab her again around the waist to hold her back to him and she didn’t resist him.

“You’re coming with me,” Gene stated calmly.

“I am what,” she laughed ridiculously.

“Who is this joker,” Tom asked her, not recognizing him.

“It’s alright, Tom. He’s a friend of mine,” Judy looked at Gene angrily, “And if he doesn’t back off, he won’t be any longer.”

Gene didn’t falter, “Judy, let’s go.”

“I am going. I’m going with my new friend here.”

“Going to do what?”

“I don’t think that is any of your business.”

“It’s definitely not his business,” Tom added.

“Would you really like to know, Gene,” she said with that intentional voice of hers, egging him on.

“Oh, yeah?” Gene asked and took a step towards her, challenging her and his voice came out disgusted, “I bet you don’t even know his last name.”

Even through glassy eyes, she suddenly showed guilt, and was quiet.

“Look, back off, Bud. She’s a big girl.”

Gene’s eyes didn’t leave Judy’s but she looked down almost ashamed and he spoke sternly but calmly, “Judy.”

“Don’t worry, Daddy, I’ll make sure she gets home safely,” Tom chuckled.

Judy had looked up at Gene with that last comment, and her expression showed horror. Even with the extremely fuzzy effects of the alcohol, she knew that to Gene those were fighting words.

Gene chuckled back, but then he took a step aside ready to fight, but Judy quickly placed her hands on his chest.

“Gene,” she pleaded.

“Come on, babe, let's go,” Tom said and turned to walk to his car.

“She’s not a *babe*, asshole, she’s a lady. Let’s go,” Gene suddenly bent down and swooped Judy over his shoulder. She gasped and held onto his back as he started walking them the other direction.

“Gene! PUT ME DOWN! GENE!”

He ignored her yells and her fists on his back, but when she suddenly kicked, her stiletto got a little too close.

“Judy, for Christ sakes, you almost kicked me in the head.”

He turned the corner back in front of the club where his car was parking in front and immediately saw June and Van run out.

“I should kick you in the balls for ruining my night,” Judy spat back.

“Van, open the back door of my car, will ya.”

Van seemed amused as he did what he was told. Gene set Judy down and tried to put her in the back seat but she again resisted.

“Get in there.”

“I’m not going in there. I came with June.”

“Judy, dammit, you’re testing my patience. Now, get in the goddamn back seat before I throw you in.”

Judy knew he was serious, but she still protested, “I swear, if you do this Gene, never come crawling back to me again. I mean it, we’re over for good. And we’re no longer friends either!”

“Crawling back to her,” Van asked, confused as hell.

Gene’s eyes widened at her before he turned around to face the confused pair, “I have no idea what gibberish she’s talking about. The booze has obviously made her mentally and verbally unstable.”

Judy shrieked insulted.

“Now GET IN THERE!”

“ALRIGHT,” she screeched back shocked from his angry yell at her and she went into the backseat.

Gene slammed the door before turning back to his friends exhausted.

“I’ll give Junie a ride home. Don’t worry about it,” Van said.

“Here. This is hers,” June smiled and handed him Judy’s small purse.

Gene looked at it and nodded before walking around to the drivers side. He tossed the purse in the backseat carelessly, almost hitting her, as he got in.

“Hey!”

Van and June both smiled as they heard Judy yell through the closed windows and then they watched them drive off.

The car was silent, not even the radio was on, as Gene’s eyes met hers though the rearview mirror as he rolled up to the first red light.

“You realize you almost ratted us out back there?”

Judy whimpered as she readjusted herself in the backseat, leaning her head back, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Van and June. You nearly told them about us.”

“We’re not together anymore. Who cares,” she said in a slurred speech.

“I care. You may not be with your husband anymore, but my wife would also care. Oh, she’d care a lot.”

“THEN GO HOME TO HER,” Judy suddenly yelled as she sat up with determination. It was obviously a sore spot.

“Would you lower your voice? Geez,” he said, wiggling his finger in his ear.

“Slow down,” she said leaning her head back again, “I’m dizzy. Better yet, just drop me off here. Then you can go back to your marriage.”

“Drop you off,” he chuckled, “on the corner of Melrose. I’m sorry, honey, but you don’t fit in with the prostitutes. And I’m not going back to my ‘marriage’ as you call it, until I know you’re ok.”

“You might want to rephrase that, Gene,” she said sadly.

He realized what he said and sighed, “What I meant to say was…”

“I know what you meant,” she replied, knowing he wouldn’t go back home until she was home herself.

When they arrived at her home in Bel Air, Judy was fast asleep. After he opened the passenger door, he stared at her angelic face for a moment. She sure was a spit fire, but right now she looked like such an innocent child. It was the same when he had stared at her asleep in his arms after they had just had a naughty and solicitous encounter or had one of their amusing arguments. So many emotions were running through him.

He got her keys out of her purse before lifting her in his arms. With a bit of a struggle, he did manage to get them both inside, but it wasn’t easy with her near flaccid body hanging off of him. Gene stood there a moment. He knew where she lived but he had never been inside before. It was charming.

Once he got up the stairs, he headed straight into the first bedroom he came upon but stopped short. That wasn’t her room, he thought. It was fully furnished, but it didn’t seem like her. Figuring it was a guest room, he kept going down the hall. He walked past a bathroom and an office before heading straight for the open double doors at the end of the hall.

Oh, yes, this definitely was her room. The bed was large and opulent, with one of her slips laying in the middle of the floor and a chiffon scarf over her vanity’s mirror. It even smelled like her perfume.

After laying Judy on her bed, he carefully slipped off her slip on stilettos.

“Where am I,” she mumbled very sleepily.

“You’re home, in your bed,” he said as he walked over to set her Chanel shoes on the dresser. One, he knew how much she took care of her designer pieces, and two he didn’t want her to trip over them if she were to drunkenly wander out of bed. Last thing he needed was her to fall and hit her head on the dresser.

When he turned back around he saw her half sitting up trying to reach for the back of her zipper, but her movements were lazy and she couldn’t reach. He walked on over and unzipped the dress for her and helped her out of it. After it was off, wearing a two-piece white silk camisole and nude thigh high stockings, she fell back on the bed happy to go back to sleep.

Gene proceeded to cover her with a throw that was on the end of her bed, but she kicked it off.

“You need to lay on your side, sweetheart. Can you do that for me?”

Judy moaned, the skin between her eyes wrinkling in dissatisfaction, as he pulled her shoulder so she was on her side.

“Why?”

“Because if you get sick, you can choke.”

“Mmm, that’s all anyone needs to see...” she mumbled, arranging herself on her side, “...Louis B. Mayer’s ‘Darling Judy’ puking her brains out.”

Gene chuckled as he went into the master bedroom to get a glass of water for her, and a few aspirin. Setting it next to her, he looked around making sure everything was in order before he left.

“There’s water right here, Judy, if you need it, and aspirin. Do you need anything else before I go?”

“Don’t go, please.”

“You’re safe and sound in your bed now. Just get some sleep.”

“Please,” she said with her eyes closed and reached her hand up in the air for him. He took it in both his hands.

It was a moment before she spoke half-asleep, “My husband stopped wanting me, I was just a summer fling to Joe and Gene doesn't want me anymore. I miss him, doesn't he realize that?”

"Honey, I'm right here. I'm Gene."

"Why doesn't he want me anymore," she whimpered sadly.

Gene’s face fell as well. When her hand went limp and she didn’t continue, he knew she passed out. He sat down on the edge of her bed in a bit of sorrow. She really was more hurt than he thought. He couldn’t leave her.

Gene turned off the light and left the door open as he walked to the guest room he had come across earlier. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he picked up the phone and dialed. As he waited, and hoped for the phone to be answered, he started untying his shoes.

“Hello?”

“Oh, Van, thank God you’re home already, man.”

“I just ran in to answer. Everything alright?”

“I’m at Judy’s. She’s pretty bad. I can’t leave her alone tonight in case something happens. Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Can you call Betsy and tell her that I got drunk and passed out at your place so she doesn’t worry?”

“Uh...sure. But, why don’t you just tell her the truth?”

“Oh, you definitely ain’t a married man,” Gene laughed, “It doesn’t matter what the truth is, buddy, they’ll always jump to the conclusion that you’re fucking someone else.”

Gene bit his cheek and made a face at his own comment, as he did have an affair with Judy, but tonight wasn’t the case.

“Yeah, that does make sense,” Van chuckled, “No problem, buddy.”

“Thanks.”

When they hung up, Gene sighed and fell on his back. Running a hand over his face, he snickered.

What a night.

Rain hitting the window stirred Judy out of her sleep. She was laying face down on top of her bed, her neck length curls in disarray and her mascara smeared under her eyes. She looked up at the clock on her nightstand and moaned. It was nine-thirty. The skies were grey, making her room still cozy and dark, and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep but her body thought otherwise. Not to mention she was terribly hungry.

After ten minutes, Judy finally mustered the strength to pull herself out of bed. As she passed the window, she did a double take seeing a car that wasn’t hers in her driveway. Walking to the window to get a better view, she immediately recognized whose car that was.

Gene’s.

Why was he there? Judy thought back, remembering he was at the club and then...suddenly the night came back to her. She didn’t remember coming home, but she remembered him making her get into the back seat of his car. Quite embarrassed, she dropped her face into her hands.

“Oh, no,” she mumbled.

Wait, she thought, as her head popped up, did they sleep together? She couldn’t remember. Quickly looking down at her body, she saw that she was still dressed in her matching camisole set. Then she looked around her floor and there were no signs of any of Gene’s clothes scattered around.

She relaxed when she instinctively knew they hadn't had sex. Good gracious, she would be horrified if she had and couldn't remember. Gene would be more embarrassed than her in that regard.

Judy had just walked out of her bedroom when she heard Gene’s morning cough from down the hall. She followed the shuffling sound until she saw him in the guest room.

Securing his pants, he didn’t notice Judy as she leaned against the door crossing her arms. When he finished and looked up to grab his shirt, he did a double take on Judy. One of the straps on her camisole tank was off her shoulder, one of her thigh high stockings now lay in a pool around her ankle, her hair looked like a bird's nest and the makeup under her eyes made her look like 20’s Gothic actress Theda Bara.

"Gosh, you look so sexy in the morning," he joked. She didn’t look amused and he spoke in an army voice, “Wipe that smile off your face, soldier.”

Judy watched as he continued dressing, working his button up dress shirt.

“Why did you stay here?”

“You asked me to.”

“I did?"

He realized then that she probably didn’t remember much and decided to skip that conversation for now.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Really? You sure look hungover.”

“Well, I don’t feel it. I woke up around 4 and got sick but I took aspirin. I’m just tired, and very hungry.”

“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll make us breakfast.”

Judy looked at him skeptically, “Why are you doing this?”

“Judy, just because we’re not together anymore, doesn’t mean I stopped caring,” he said coldly as he did up the last button.

It stunned her.

All she could do was muster up a soft, “Ok” before walking out to take her shower.

A little later, Gene was nearly finished setting the breakfast nook when Judy came in. Her voluminous curls were damp but she managed to put on a fresh, natural look to her makeup, and threw on a casual baby-blue romper dress. It was quite short, something she would most-likely play tennis in, and her feet were bare.

The two didn’t say a word as she sat at the table and he set their pancakes and bacon on it along with his coffee and her tea and of course some OJ. Judy felt a bit awkward at the silence, but Gene seemed just fine as he sat opposite her and read the Saturday morning paper. She distracted herself by listening to a Bing Crosby rerun playing on the portable speaker throughout breakfast. Gene did notice that her usual giggles and laughter during her favorite radio show was absent during it, which was highly unusual.

After her shower, and eating, Judy felt back to normal and more energetic, not just physically but mentally as well. It gave her the courage to break their silence.

“Thank you for breakfast.”

“Welcome,” she heard him mumble behind the paper.

Judy bit her lower lip a moment before continuing, “What a sad-looking day, huh?”

“I kinda like it. Reminds me of New York. It doesn’t rain here often,” Gene said back, his tone a little more engaged than before.

“Yah,” she agreed, “But it doesn’t make for a good Saturday, does it? Not much to do in the rain.”

“No, but maybe a day inside relaxing is just what you need... especially after last night.”

Judy heard the tone in his voice change to more sly and she cocked her head and spoke confidently, “I had a great time last night.”

Gene peeked at her from the newspaper before he folded it back up, “What do you remember from last night?”

“I remember that you ruined my good time.”

Gene stared at her before speaking matter-of-factly, “I corrected your mistake before it was made.”

“Oh,” she giggled, “Is that what you call it?”

“So,” he said, placing his coffee back on its saucer with a bit of a noise, “You remember all of it.”

“I don’t recall actually coming home, but I remember the club just fine."

"And you had a great time?"

Judy knew what he was getting at, "Yes. I know what you want me to say, darling, but I don’t regret any of it. Not. One. Bit.”

“You’re joking,” he said, astonished.

“No.”

Gene looked at her as if he didn’t hear right, “You...don’t regret anything from last night?”

“Mm, well, I should've probably ate while drinking, but,” she leaned her jaw on her open hand challenging him with a sarcastic voice, “what exactly are you referring to, Gene?”

“Oh, God,” he said leaning back in his chair, “Do I really have to say it?”

“Why would I regret that? It’s what I came to the club for.”

The tone in her voice alerted Gene that she was serious about that quest.

“Why,” he asked, shocked.

“Do *I* really have to say it,” she asked amused now.

Gene crossed his arms and just stared at her as if he was trying to read her. When she giggled, he shook his head.

“You were doing that to get me jealous, weren’t you?”

“What?”

“Admit it.”

“Gene, give me a break. I didn’t even know you were going to be at that joint. I went there with my girlfriend so I could get away from the people I knew so they wouldn’t stop me from having fun. You admit it. You were jealous and that’s why you stopped me.”

"Hey, Sweetheart, I have no problem admitting when I’m jealous, it's perfectly natural, but that’s not why I stopped you. You were drunk and acting foolish.”

“I may have been drinking, but I was not foolish. I knew exactly what I was doing. The alcohol just made me more relaxed.”

“Oh, you were relaxed alright, about as relaxed as his hands were when they were all over your ass.”

Judy didn't hesitate, “Which I enjoyed.”

“Judy…”

“Did I once look like I was uncomfortable or push him away?" When Gene didn't answer she nodded 'yes' proving her point, "Ah huh. I was very much aware that I was leaving with him when you acted like a goddamn caveman.”

Though sloshed last night, Gene could see she was sober as a judge in her acclamation and it frightened him a bit, “Why would you do that? Why would you say yes to a stranger asking you to leave with him?”

“I didn’t. He said yes to me.”

Judy flinched just a tad when Gene suddenly screeched his chair back and grabbed his empty cup of coffee heading to the counter. He was obviously very uncomfortable. Judy didn’t enjoy the conversation either, but everything was the truth.

“Why are you getting so upset,” she asked, standing up and brought her empty plate over to the sink, “I am an adult, you know, I’m a single woman, not to mention a soon-to-be divorced woman. I think I can make my own decisions.”

“Make your own decisions, fine, just think about them beforehand.”

“I did.”

“No, you didn’t. You made a decision, but you didn’t think about the what if’s.”

“Oh, what are you going on about now,” she asked, almost uninterested as she head back to grab his empty plate.

“I get that you’re a single woman, Judy. Go out and have fun, you deserve it, but next time you feel the need to jump in the sac, do it with someone you know, or at least know of. I know plenty of guys in our arena that would be perfectly willing to have an encounter with you. And they would respect you afterwards and be discreet about it. They *know* the business.”

“I wanted to get away from that last night. Why do you think we came there in the first place? I wanted to have fun with someone I didn’t know, who didn’t know me, but wanted me anyways. I did think about it.”

Gene banged her utensil drawer closed so hard, it made her flinch.

“You don’t get it,” his voice raised frustrated, “This was a complete stranger. You didn’t know him. Something bad could have happened.”

“For instance,” she said, placing a hand on her hip in annoyance.

“Many reasons. For one, even though it was consensual, he could have ended up getting forceful or, God forbid, raping you. He could have been a woman beater or left you on the side of the road afterwards.”

Her look made him see that she didn’t believe anything he was saying, that nothing like that would have happened to her. She was gullible. He had to get back on her terms to make her understand.

“Alright. Say he was a decent enough man, what if you got pregnant? You were drunk, you could have gotten careless. Or what if he ended up bragging to everyone that Judy Garland was easy? News like that would spread around this town like wildfire and Louella would have a field day. Stuff like that has happened before. You’re not indestructible or invisible in that regard.”

Judy lowered her eyes as she fiddled with her nail, “I guess I didn’t think about it in that way.”

Gene’s temper simmered down as she got it now and he spoke caringly, “That’s why I stopped you, I was looking out for you.”

“Thank you,” was all that she could muster up as she turned the sink faucet on.

“If I did that because I was jealous, don’t you think I would have taken you to bed myself?”

Disappointment and anger flashed in her eyes, “No, I don’t.”

To hide her explanation of what she had replied back, Judy started working on the dishes, even though Rosie, her housekeeper, was due there in a few hours.

Gene stood there, hand on his hip, as he watched her in silence, “I’ll never stop wanting you, Judy.”

Her hands frozen in the soapy water, she looked at him over her shoulder, “What?”

“It’s true.”

Judy turned the water off and dried her hands on the dish towel before facing him, “Why did you just say that to me?”

“Because of what you said last night.”

She nervously cleared her throat, “What did I say?”

“Right before you fell asleep, I don’t think you knew who you were talking to, but you were wondering why I didn’t want you anymore. I do, I’m just trying to get back to some normalcy in my life. I have to give all my energy to my marriage right now, but that doesn’t mean my feelings for you have changed.”

“Haven’t they,” she insisted as if she didn’t believe him.

“For God's sake, falling out of feelings for someone like you doesn't just happen overnight."

“It doesn’t, huh,” she insisted again.

Gene didn’t like her tone of voice and wondered if she had even heard a word he had said. It saddened him that she wasn’t getting through to her. He turned to walk out of the kitchen, and made it to the door when she spoke up.

"Prove it,” her voice sounded persistent but nervous.

"What,” Gene asked, his back still to her as he froze.

"Prove it," Judy repeated. She knew he wouldn’t prove it, now that he had made up his mind on giving all his ‘energy’ to Betsy. Her voice became angry, “Prove it or get the hell out of my house.”

Gene’s exasperation for her, sexually, and in this conversation, was too much to bear. All he could do at that moment was hit his hand on the wall next to the door. Judy waited a long moment for him to either turn around, or walk out, but he didn’t either. He didn’t even speak. Emotionally exhausted, and disheartened, she shook her head and walked his way.

She brushed up against him as she squeezed by to walk out the kitchen door but before she could take even two steps further, Gene’s hand grabbed her wrist holding her back, her arm in a 90 degree angle. Turning her around to face him, he swiftly planted her body up against his and took the two steps himself until her back was to the wall. She gasped and looked up at him with wide eyes.

His lips remained dangerously close to hers as he huskily spoke, “I don’t have to prove anything to you. I want you to feel it instead.”

Gene refrained from kissing her as he waited for some response.

“What are you doing,” she breathed excitedly, as he had been so adamant not to be with her like this anymore.

“Forgetting about normalcy just this one last time.”

Judy opened her mouth to speak but his mouth quickly descended onto hers.

Gene focused on the relieved whimper that escaped her mouth as he kissed her. When his tongue swept against hers for the first time in a very long time, she clung onto him desperately, as if she were afraid he would pull back.

He wasn’t going to, not this time. He wanted to remind her what she still did to him, and what he still wanted to do to her no matter how far apart they had been. And, since she had obviously been looking for a good time in the wrong place, he decided to give her body its craving in the right place.

There, pressed against the wall as they shared the most deepest, sexual kiss he could ever remember having, in the back of Gene’s mind, he knew her satisfaction wouldn’t last, that she’d be out looking for another man sooner or later. He needed a promise from her.

Slowly pulling back from their lip lock, her lower lip snapped back from his mouth, and she let out a breath through her nose biting the bottom of that lip that he had just been sucking on. He forgot why she stopped for a moment as she was so turned on that it made his dick harden.

“Judy.”

“Mmm,” was all she could reply as she felt those erotic butterflies in her tummy spread up to her chest, tingling her nipples.

“Next time you go out, you have to be more careful, and selective. Don’t go searching for an every-day stranger,” Gene placed his pointer finger and thumb on her chin gently lifting her face, “Promise me.”

Judy lifted her eyes to his and looked at them back and forth with sincerity, “I promise.”

Without his eyes leaving hers, his hands slid over her bottom and reached down as they slid down back thighs. They both let out an aroused sound as he picked her up, her legs around his waist, and walked them down the hall.

The rain hitting the window? No. The echo of the radio from the kitchen playing? No. Gene’s mouth between her legs? Oh, yes.

That’s all she heard, even ignoring her own whimpers and cries, as he oh so skillfully made her feel so delicious and orgasmic. She was perched on the large, long, rectangle console table against the curved stairwell wall in the foyer. The table was heavy, or else it would have most-likely broken when he sat her on top of it. They weren’t exactly gentle when removing one another’s clothes against it, either. The decorative books that had been on top were now laying in disarray next to a kneeling Gene, but the vase with a bouquet of mixed flowers, surprisingly, hadn’t been affected.

As Judy moved her leg up on his shoulder a bit, she felt her jumper dress slide off her ankle, where it had been dangling for a few minutes now. Gene’s right hand acknowledged her leg, and softly caressed her thigh there, not stopping his licks and sucks.

His knees started to feel the effects of the marble floor just then, but Gene didn’t care. The way her body, and her voice, were responding to him made it so fucking worth it. He had wanted to take her upstairs to her bed, but the passion and sexual frustration that had built up from not being together all this time, took its toll on them and they ended up there in the entry-way.

Gene let go of her thigh and reached down to caress himself with just enough pressure to relieve some tension. However, he didn’t realize how sensitive he had become and he groaned against her. It felt so good that he continued to caress his hard on.

He heard Judy giggle through a gasp as he continued to groan against her through his sucks. It was a different sensation for her that just heightened the experience. But he had to stop his wrist or he knew eventually he’d embarrass both of them. He wanted to get her there. When he adjusted himself for a more comfortable angle, he hit a sensitive spot for her. Gene heard another loud cry from her as her hand immediately squeezed his hair keeping his head in place.

Smiling to himself, he started flicking the area underneath her pearl back and forth that made her thighs quiver.

“That feels so good,” Judy breathlessly whimpered. When he stopped flicking that area, and started sucking on it instead, she gasped, “Oh my gosh.”

The place he focused on was so sensitive that it almost was a painful type of pleasure, but her rising orgasm made it feel unstoppable.

Continuing, he felt her body start to tense up and her cries skipped as she reached up behind her. Her knuckles turned white as she squeezed the white bars on the stairs. Hearing her squeak and her body still, Gene let his mouth off her and watched as her entrance contracted in a quick rhythm, getting even wetter. He thought he’d come right then and couldn’t wait to feel it himself.

Standing up, he remained in between her legs, as he gave her a peck on the lips. She immediately smiled and opened her eyes. Staring into his sparkling ones, she giggled amused from how amazing that was. He smiled back and gave her another kiss before lifting her off of the table. He didn’t want to fuck her here. But before he could even suggest moving, she immediately lowered onto her knees.

“Baby…” he protested but her mouth was already on him. He realized she was a giver as much as a taker during sex, and it pleased her as much to so, as much as did him, but he was far too ready.

Luckily, she was privy to his thoughts, and familiar with his body. Judy took it slow and didn’t concentrate on the most sensitive areas, unlike what he had just done, but his goal was different. Judy wanted him to come from being inside of her. When she felt his cock twitch, she stood back up. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she placed one hell of a kiss on him. He held her naked body closer and groaned happily at it.

Gene knew her legs were jelly, and his knees were pretty numb, but he managed to carry them up the stairs. He wanted to fuck her on her bed. Judy deserved that, especially since that other guy would have probably been a two-pump chump in the backseat of his Cadillac with her. Not him, though she didn’t make it any easier as her hips slowly slid up and down his shaft, which was nestled in between their lower belly’s as he walked them into her bedroom.

The rain had stopped, birds were now chirping outside her veranda doors and the sun was beginning to shine, as they made love on top of her luscious bed. The two enjoyed their closeness, as Gene laid fully on top of her, rhythmically moving his hips in and out in a timeless pace as they slowly kissed. But the heat from downstairs was very much present and soon his grinds got quicker, pushing his body against hers harder.

Just as the headboard started making a sound against the wall, so did Judy’s responses as she started moaning again. She was so slick and warm and tight, Gene found it excruciating to hold back. Fortunately, she answered his prayers.

“Fuck me,” she whispered.

They were having sex, but she knew the difference from making love and what she had just pleaded. At least she wasn’t naïve about that.

After giving her a kiss as if to say ‘ok’, he removed himself, which felt like a relief and frustration at the same time. Gene kneeled as she got up and turned around on her knees, holding onto the headboard. Both sated with natural lubrication, it was almost too easy as he slid into her center from behind. It always felt better this way, in a more naughty sensation.

The sound of dogs barking outside and the ticking of her clock on her nightstand was muted by the pounding of their skin as he fucked her. It wasn’t even a full minute when he felt his balls start to tighten. Groaning and nearly holding his breath to keep himself from letting go, he started to feel her twitch around him and he wanted to cry out with relief that she was close. He was too focused on the sensations right now to pay attention to her moans. By now he was familiar with what each of her sounds meant, which was a good way for him to know which direction to go, but right now he didn’t have that kind of concentration.

Gene didn’t even hear her whimper that she was coming when all of a sudden his cock was being milked hard and fast by her orgasm and another rush of her arousal soaked him. Without warning, he felt his pre-cum and had just enough time to pull out. Moaning loudly over and over, he stroked himself frantically as his orgasm shot out onto her lower back.

The phone ringing woke both of them up. Judy lifted her head from Gene’s chest startled as he reached over sleepily picking up the receiver. He didn’t answer, obviously, he handed it to Judy. She had to get her bearings a moment, as she hadn’t realized she fell asleep, before answering.

“Hello?”

“Hi, sweetheart, it’s Van.”

“Oh, hi.”

“How you feelin’,” he asked amused.

“I’m fine.”

“Swell. Say, is Gene still there?”

Judy furrowed her brows and looked at Gene, “Uh, no, he’s not,” Gene mouthed ‘what’ and she continued, “Why?”

“Because his wife called me for a second time. First time I was able to tell her he was still sleeping but it’s the afternoon now. I told her he left but thought I’d try to see if he was still over there so I could warn him.”

“Oh, golly. No, he’s not here.”

“Alright. Well, I'm glad you feel ok,” Van laughed, “You should have seen you last night. You were…”

Judy hung up the phone annoyed.

“What,” Gene asked, sitting up curious.

“That was Van. He said Betsy has called him twice looking for you. He uh, he just told her you left. He was calling to see if you were still here.”

“I told him to cover my alibi so I could stay with you. I really should get going before someone sees my car out there,” he said and got out of bed.

She nodded and sat up, the sheets around her as she hugged her knees to her chest.

“Are you going to be alright?”

“Oh,” she smiled, “I am now.”

He leaned down, his hands pushing onto the mattress as he came nose to nose with her, “Remember what you promised me.”

“I know,” she said and placed her hand on his cheek as she kissed him, “Thank you.”

“Friends?”

Judy couldn’t hide the quick disappointment in her eyes but she respected him enough to respect his wishes of working on his marriage.

She smiled and nodded, pinching his cheek, “Friends.”

Right before Gene walked out, he looked back at her, “Judy.”

“Mm hm?”

“Maybe I was a little jealous.”

Her smile broke wide and he winked before walking out.

#jugenea #judy garland #gene kelly #jg fans #gk fans

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planetorigo · 3 years ago

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My favorite thing to do each year is here!

The 2021 Art Summary!~

And it may or may not be the reason I try to get a fully done piece a month out during the year haha - but hey, never a bad thing to try to do.

As I do, I tend to reflect on this year, and I’ve seen a similar sentiment. Oh boy, wasn’t this a year? As in. Yep. A year. I always talk about these personally and. Well. The first half seemed really full of life, I’ll be honest. It really was! I don’t actually believe it even happened this year though ‘cause it’s. Strange. The second half... feels like it went by really quickly. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised personally - I started my grad thesis this year and it’s still ongoing. It’s been difficult to get through but it’s certainly getting closer to completion. I just hope it turns out well in the end. My goal is to make sure it’s done in the first quarter of the year. That’s the main aim after all.

Although, let’s focus more on the art side of things, since the art summary itself also focuses on that. I always try to do pieces, and I have learned that I don’t really do a lot of scenes. It’s something I hope that I can do more of, especially since I’m going to be participating more in an OCT with Chop 2 the Top. And I think another thing I’d like to really try to do is post something once a day in terms of a drawing. It’ll probably be on my Twitter? Or Instagram? Maybe I’ll even try posting through mobile onto here again. I miss doing that, even though iOS ain’t the kindest... I’m finding a way through it though. And maybe I’ll be able to do more art that are full pieces than just once a year. Let’s see - I know Art Fight is a time I want to be able to beat my record of around 50 this year.

So... yeah. A year happened.

Let’s see what we accomplish in 2022. Personally, mostly, because I think focusing on your own life is one of the most important things you can do even if it means doing it for other people. Just take care of yourselves, have a good New Year and stay safe.

[Blank version]

Individual Pieces

- January - February - March - April - May - June - July - August - September - October - November - December

Art Summaries of the Past

2020 - 2019 - 2018 - 2017 - 2016 - 2015 - 2014 - 2013 - 2012

#Tori's Art of Mellarky #Long post #Art Summary #Art Summary 2021

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samshogwarts · 4 years ago

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My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be.

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble. And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean. Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me!

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you! Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness.

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more.

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people.

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me.

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys!

Love you all so much.

#My end of the year thank you #Personal #Ooc #My year 2020 #God my heart beating so fast #Don't know why but these post makes me nervous #Very personal #Cry counter while writing this: 4 #Yeah so adult xD #Like I care #Hope you all enjoyed the Christmas holidays #Love you all #Such a great community #Never saw this before #💙❤️💚💛

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badjonesrising · 4 years ago

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Work in Progress: Rainbow Plein Air Painting

It's raining cats, dogs, and chickens here in MD. In fact, I think it’s been raining for a straight four days, but I’ve lost count tbh. That horrible hurricane hit down South and now the storm is coming up the to the Northeast. I feel for all those people down there because if it rains here for more than 8 hours we are a hot mess- so I can only imagine. It has been so gloomy! And Halloween last night was just so cold and wet! I didn’t leave the house honey child! I had Chinese food, watched scary movies, and went to bed early. I woke up feelin’ good and super productive. I even set time aside to publish this blog post! I worked out and even made some art— new things coming to the shop next week!

I was trying to think of something positive to write and I do have lots of little things to be grateful for, but I will just stick to the art for now. We have had many great big sunny days in October and I have been lucky enough to catch most of them! At the beginning of the month, I decided to not waste my time indoors, thinking of what to draw and just went outside and painted my poor little heart out. The first big batch of fun were these old paintings from last year. I started them in the summertime and never did finish them before going off to NYC. There were in a great state, but of course after a year, my mind and feelings have changed. I am never afraid to paint over something, cut anything up, or destroy old art to make new. I used some of my power box paint (which has served me multiple times this Fall and I am so glad! Such a good investment) to just cover some boring parts of these not-so-exciting pieces. I usually like to add huge brushstrokes and swatches of paint once the first layers are dry, but there's something about exterior paint melting together into perfect gradients. The viscosity of the paint is different and gives the strokes a different kind of depth and texture that you can't get with usual acrylic. I also busted out some of Ben's old spray paint ( I never know how old or new some of these supplies are because we save ALL art supplies, no matter what) and I was pleasantly surprised to find some great, intense colors! I went with my favorites primary colors and did some light drips and splatters. In the end, I was so happy with the added stencil layers and white paint accents. Made me jot down new colors to buy!

I haven't touched these pieces since that day. They have made their way from floor, to table, to easel and back again, but I haven't figured out where I want to take them. It's nice to just have some nice abstracts and some good potential backgrounds waiting for me. I find joy and comfort (big word for me) in knowing I have unfinished work that I WANT to finish at some point, but there is no rush to do so.

Hoping this blog post brings some cheer, and please go over to instagram and say hi! I am posting there in my stories when possible and there are some big, fun projects posted that you may have missed. Hope you are well and staying creative. Goodnight!

#badjonesrising #art #mixed media #collage #artists on tumblr #studio #handmade #spray paint #paintings #abstract art #abstract #plein air #rainbow colors #rainbow #new work #work in progress #wip

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broken-minded-love · 4 years ago

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@sad-sweet-cowboah Hope you don’t mind if I start a new post here, I don’t want to prolong the debate by doing this, but I still have some things to say and the other post is getting kind of ridiculous and is hard to reply to due to it’s length. I’ll quote a few things from the original thread to keep it linked in reply and physically here for posterity. [...I know it makes me seem suspicious but I have a habit of reading things without saving them, etc...] I appreciate that you wouldn’t keep track like that, who does? However, I can’t see any credit given to HOGO or her work on your blog/story before the original call out drama in 2019? Obviously you may have done that privately, but I know how fandoms work and there’s a lot of mutual backscratching in drama’s like this so it seems impossible to truly validate any of this independently, which is a shame. Perhaps it was my mistake, but when you said you’d been inspired by HOGO’s fics I assumed she’d written a full fic. I can’t find an actual chaptered fan fic following videogame Arthur in modern times from HOGO, and nothing of him in that setting by himself. It all seems to be involving the gang too, which is quite a different dynamic to what occurs in your series and Wish Upon. I can see how it would be difficult to keep track of HOGO’s posts, even if you were trying too, because I can see dozens of drabbles, but nothing as a titled fic you could keep track of. I can also see why those little scenes and dialogs may have inspired you, but as I said I can’t see any credit for the inspiration as you claimed? Besides which, it’s all kind of a moot point, because I think the bigger issue seems to be less about the initial inspiration and more about the timing and direct comparisons that can be drawn between your series and Wish Upon. [...I also included the-awkward-outlaw’s series as an example since you mentioned previously that it’s a “very niche” topic when it’s more popular than one would think. ...] Well, yes, it is now, but it wasn’t to begin with. Ever since the onset of this drama, I’ve only seen a tiny handful of attempts at covering Arthur in the modern world in a fic, which still makes it niche when you compare to the volume of repeated themes in Red Dead fics over all. It was a completely non existent plotline (at least on AO3/FFNET) in October ‘18 through Jan ‘19, and the game had been out for three months already when @miss-oscurita published Wish Upon. Yet no one had stepped up to bring us a story covering the concept of video game Arthur alive in 2018/9. The reason Wish Upon hooked me personally, was because it was completely different to the numerous “damsel in distress”, “highborn babe”, “tough outlaw chick” that were a dime a dozen. There was also several “modern reader goes back in time” stories too, but Wish Upon was the first incarnation of Arthur coming out of the game into the modern world, in an actual fic at least. No doubt the idea could have been circulating, but no one had actually taken the time to put it into an actual story to my knowledge. Does that mean Oscurita should hold a monopoly on the idea? Of course not, but it does explain why anything that followed Wish Upon’s publication, including TOA’s recent works, will be bound to draw comparisons simply because Wish Upon was first on the scene to cover the topic, and as a result is likely the most well known version of it. I think the real issue here isn’t who all’s covered Arthur living in modern times, it’s more the issue over the dynamic where the protag is familiar with him as a character, because the dynamic of the pairing and the story itself changes so much when it’s explored from that angle. The dynamic is also affected when the fic focuses only on the two main characters (as with the gang being in the modern world in HOGO’s concepts) especially when they are both aware he’s fictional that it’s really something that can only be done once, maybe twice at a push. And yes you’d have to be certifiable to believe ideas won’t overlap, I mean it’s going to be a really hollow story if you don’t cover things like Arthur using a microwave, or using a toothbrush and showering for the first time, or learning to drive, discovering movies and what not. However, from what I seen over the course of this matter, it seems the issue with it all lies in how and when these elements are explored in the story. I may be wrong, but I don’t think there’s ever been an issue raised with any other parts of your series beyond that of As We Meet, has there? And the issues raised over the original instalment and the rewritten piece seemed to be because it essentially follows the exact pattern of Wish Upon’s first few chapters, as we’ve already discussed.

[... I’m 99% positive the catalyst was a h-o-g-o oneshot of Arthur discovering lingerie...]

Funny that you should mention discovering lingerie when @miss-oscurita’s most recent update included Arthur discovering modern underwear for the first time. I don’t recall in which of your stories he did that?

Just in the interest of being informed, I searched HOGO’s blog and found a chapter mentioning lingerie (which I assume is the one that inspired you?) but that in itself is a classic example of how the same idea can be done by two different people and still be complete different.

Which I’m sorry to say really only further highlights why the similarities in your opening chapters are such a cause for concern.

Regardless of the inspiration, if we list the similarities we have from the original piece, and the rewrite the issues are pretty clear.

1) Young female gamer protag.

2) Modern day setting.

3) Both have adopted silver tabby cats.

4) Both have the backdrop of being alone on a stormy night.

5) Both involved with an event that brings Arthur out of the game.

6) Both aware of him as a fictional character before being a flesh and blood man.

4) Both immediately assume him to be an intruder.

5) Both think they are dreaming and pinch themselves.

6) Both use touch as a way to confirm he’s there in the flesh.

7) Both fics use the same name for animals.

8) Both fics almost immediately go on to explore Arthur showering, discovering cellphones, watching TV/movies, using a microwave, in almost the exact same order. 9) Both use some variation of the “my Arthur” device.

Then in the rewrite you make changes to also include:

10) Both use his horse to confirm he’s ripped straight from the game.

11) Both use extremely similar types of names for the horses.

12) Both work from home, for one reason or another. Seeing it written out like that I can more understand why people have red flagged it, as it goes a bit beyond simply exploring the same concept as the likes of HOGO/TAO may be doing. I mean it was bound to flare things up to include additional similar elements. What I don’t get is, knowing how toxic the fandom is, and that you’re under the microscope over this, why you didn’t take the rewrite as an opportunity to distance yourself from those similarities? And if I’m brutally frank with you here, it does come across as a bit of “drama farming” when you know the consequences of similarities all too well. And what I still don’t get is how you’ve not managed to move away from these controversies? I’m a lot of a loser, and have kept an eye on this drama since it began and I have to say when you interjected with the other drama around Wish Upon late last year, that came across to me as looking for drama, or at least being lead to it by someone else somewhere. I don’t know where you got the tip off for that, because the post wasn’t tagged and I only saw it due to following @miss-oscurita/you on my fandom account and the other writer in question was very new to the RDR fandom and likely didn’t have much of a following. Add that to the poor wording on the announcements of your rewrites and you know, I’m sure it’s innocent on your part, but I can see why it doesn’t look good to others. I mean I could easily believe you were trying to avoid making the stories similar and accidentally included the horse thing simply because your ideas and the ideas from Wish Upon merged, because unless you’re able to keep them firmly separate in your head it’s going to happen now you know of Wish Upon. If it was me, I’d be doing my best to not give anyone any more reason to throw shit at my house. Instead you’ve somehow managed to do the opposite. The rewrite was a missed opportunity to draw a line under all the past drama, and that’s disappointing to see as a reader and a writer too. I do hope you manage to sort this all out, and that there’s no further public bashing over it all but now the seal is broken on it all it’ll be very hard to prevent the sharks smelling the tiniest drop of blood in the water.

#writing #fan fic dramas #not going to tag this for fandom to avoid inflaming the situation further #sad-sweet-cowboah #miss-oscurita

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thisbrokenmask · 4 years ago

Text

Hallo-Scream!

pairing: female reader x jeon jungkook

genre: humour, fluff

word count: 2,833

rating: PG

warnings: there’s a scary mask but that’s pretty much it tbh

summary: it’s your first october with jungkook and you’re only just finding out how much he loves Halloween - because the other members won’t let him talk about the holiday until october 1st. once midnight ticks over, his planning and pranks are allowed to begin... but you’re his girlfriend, he won’t prank you, right?

a/n: I know Halloween has been and gone and we’re already nearly in December (eek!), but I finally got round to writing this one. I’m hoping to get my last few Halloween/autumn prompts written before I start posting my Christmassy ones, but this one was written for my ‘Scary Masks’ prompt for @btsholidaybingo

“3… 2… 1… aaaand we have lift-off!” Jungkook’s cheers are met by groans and shaking heads by everyone else in the room. Everyone, that is, except you, who doesn’t even know what to be groaning at as your boyfriend rubs his hands together mischievously. His wide grin stays on his face even when Tae throws a cushion at him, which you duck to avoid, a small giggle escaping him as he throws it back.

You’re all sat together in the large living room of the dorms, the lights dimmed to improve the atmosphere of your movie night. You’d been spending more time at the dorms lately and, now that you’d started staying over more frequently, you enjoyed the odd evening when everyone was free to spend time together. Even if Jimin was scrolling through his phone throughout most of the movie, Joon was clearly making notes on his phone more than he was watching and Yoongi looked like he’d definitely fallen asleep in the corner of the sofa, it was nice to simply spend time with everyone in the same room together.

You check your watch to see it’s just ticked over to midnight, but you’re still none the wiser. Your confusion is quickly picked up on by Joon, thankfully, who looks up from his phone and leans slightly closer to explain; “Jungkook counts down until October 1st every year so he can start planning Halloween: we don’t let him talk about it before then or else he’d start talking about it in July.”

“Really?” you can’t help the laugh that bubbles up in response, more amazed that you never knew your boyfriend loved the holiday so much rather than his month-long dedication to it. You had friends who loved Halloween just as much, planning their costumes and decorations well in advance, but you’d never known your boyfriend was one of those people, too. Admittedly, it had only been mid-November the year before that you’d even started spending more time together, Jungkook having gotten over his shyness around you, and it had been another month before he’d invited you on your first date.

“Really,” Joon confirms with the air of a tired parent, which only made you chuckle even more. “I hope you’re ready, Y/N. He’ll have been saving up pranks and everything for this month alone.”

You scoff at that, never having been on the end of anything more than things like Jungkook hiding a door and jumping out at you playfully, if that could even be considered a prank. You didn’t believe he would do anything actually mean to you… would he? What if Joon was right, and he’d been saving up his best pranks all year just to use them on you in the build up to Halloween? You miss the smirk on Joon’s face as he watches this inner turmoil play out on your face: as much as he likes you, he was glad there was another person around this year to fall victim to Jungkook’s scarily brilliant mind when it came to pranks as it meant there was one less chance of it being him.

You turn back to your boyfriend just as he looks back to you, his cheeks slightly flushed from the impromptu pillow fight that had broken out between him and Tae before it was broken up by a disgruntled Seokjin, who was sat between them.

Jungkook notices your frown and tilts his head slightly, confusion pulling his eyebrows down even though the smile stays on his lips. “You okay?”

“You’re not gonna prank me, are you?” the question tumbles past your lips without you putting much thought into it, but it garners a round of laughter from the rest of the room, making you blush. Jungkook grins but the mischief in his eyes softens as he puts his arm around your shoulders, drawing you close to him as he settles back into the sofa cushions, eyes back on the screen.

“Don’t worry, jagi,” he hums, pressing a kiss to your hair. “I’ll go easy on you.”

Within a week, you begin to understand why Jungkook’s Halloween talk was limited to the month of October. Every time he saw you, be it between dance practices, recordings, writing sessions or whatever else they had planned, he would bring up something to do with the spooky holiday. He had an exhaustive list of costumes, most of which were couple themed this year now that he had you in his life, and had been collecting decor ideas for the dorm in a dedicated folder on his phone. You’d even heard Seokjin and Yoongi both tell him to stop sending them Halloween-themed foods they could make, yet their hearts never really seemed to be in the admonishments. It all seemed to be part of the tradition when it came to Halloween: Jungkook would bombard everyone with ideas and they’d half-heartedly tell him to stop while quietly enjoying his childlike excitement.

The pranks had slowly escalated over the last week or so since he’d finally been ‘allowed’ to start them. More than once, you’d heard the telltale giggles of Jungkook running away from whichever of his hyungs he’d chosen for his latest trick, and a few times you’d heard his calls for surrender after he’d been caught. His repertoire in the first week seemed to mainly consist of small yet annoying things, like switching the salt for sugar and offering cookies filled with toothpaste instead of cream (this one was apparently designed for Namjoon in particular and he fell for it every year, Jungkook always striking when Namjoon was distracted and less likely to question his offer of snacks).

True to his word, Jungkook had also left you out of most of the pranks, the few he’d actually played on you being no more harmless than hiding a few of your things around his room. Other than that, he’d avoided getting you involved.

Or so you’d thought.

It was midway through the second full week of October and you arrived at the dorm like normal. The other members were used to your presence and were happy to let you in even when Jungkook was busy, which you found him to be this time. Jimin and Seokjin were more than happy to keep you company, though, chatting with you in the kitchen over coffee (served only after Seokjin had checked the settings on the coffee machine and made sure that the sugar was, in fact, sugar) while Jungkook finished up in the studio. They tried not to show their jealousy over your minimal experience of falling victim to their maknae, but you assured them you were certain Jungkook would only be able to hold out for so long if he enjoyed them that much.

It’s only when Jungkook arrives home to find you three still talking that you realise you’d been talking with the older members for nearly an hour, your bag and jacket still beside your feet rather than in your boyfriend’s room.

“Hey, jagi,” Jungkook greets you with a quick kiss to your temple and a hug from behind, perching his chin on your shoulder as his arms wrap around your waist.

“Good day?” you ask, leaning back slightly to take in his side profile and giggling when he pulls you closer again, holding back from nuzzling into your neck while his hyungs are present. He hums happily, though, and you feel him nod against your shoulder.

Jimin and Seokjin speak between themselves in an attempt to give the two of you a bit of privacy, but quickly realise there was no point given their proximity. Seokjin declares he’s going to go and play some games until dinner, waving to no one in particular as he left the room, and Jimin quickly follows suit, claiming he was going to go and look for Taehyung, who’d been writing in his room most of the afternoon.

“‘m sorry I wasn’t here when you got here,” Jungkook waits until his hyungs have left before murmuring his apology into your shoulder, his body still bent over slightly as he hugs you.

“That’s okay,” you reassure him, lifting your hand to gently run your fingers through his hair, feeling him relax into you more with each second.

“Wanna take your stuff to my room?”

“Are you offering or are you telling me to do it?” you tease back, holding in your laughter as he huffs, some of his hair jumping up in your periphery from the rush of air.

“We can do it together,” he says, squeezing your waist slightly and finally turning his face into the crook of your neck. You hear and feel the small sigh that escapes him as he does so, knowing he’s probably been looking forward to seeing you all day.

“Is it really a two person job, though?” you muse, laughing when Jungkook huffs again and stands up, grabbing your hand and picking up your things at the same time.

“Yes,” he grins, turning back to you and leaning in close enough for the tips of your noses to touch. “It’s definitely a two person job, because I’ve missed you and I want my hugs.” The pout that pushes at his lips would normally be enough to make you giggle and coo at him teasingly, but his dark eyes were focused so sharply on yours that you couldn’t find it in you to laugh.

“Can’t argue with that,” you smirk, only to be rewarded with a quick yet gentle kiss to your lips before your boyfriend is turning and leading you to his room, his fingers interlocking with yours as he goes.

Jungkook’s room was arguably more familiar to you than the rest of the dorm. When you’d first started coming round, the two of you had spent a lot of time in his bedroom rather than in the rest of the dorm, too shy to experience your developing relationship under the gaze of the other members. As confident as Jungkook had become around you, he was still the youngest of seven and was wary that his hyungs would tease him relentlessly… which they did, but only after you’d left and he’d ventured back to join them.

Jungkook places your bag down in its usual spot beside his dresser and continues to guide you to his bed, falling down onto the mattress and pulling you down with him. You laugh into his neck as he pulls you into a tight embrace, your arms trapped between the two of you against his chest. You spend the next few minutes wrapped up in his warmth, your bodies relaxing against each other as the subtle aromas of his cologne and his shampoo mix together, calming you as you breathe them in. You’re pretty sure the different scents you associate with Jungkook are now more relaxing to you than the lavender diffuser you used to never be able to sleep without; even now, you can feel your eyes getting heavier as his warmth seeps through your clothes and his large hands gently rub up and down on the expanse of your back.

After several minutes of feeling like you could quite easily fall asleep here, though, you become aware of a growing need to use the bathroom, especially when Jungkook’s thighs are pressed right against your bladder. As much as you don’t want to move, the rational part of your brain knows that the quicker you go, the quicker you can come back and snuggle up with your boyfriend again, so you wiggle yourself free from his grasp.

Jungkook’s eyes open as you stand, his large eyes fluttering open to gaze up at you, his long hair surrounding his face like a halo against the sheets and his hands skimming your arms as they fall to gently rest across his tummy. His brow creases slightly, his lips pushing into yet another pout as you step back from the bed, and he lifts his arms out to you with grabby hands.

“Baby, come baacck,” he whines, “I’m not done with my cuddles yet!”

“You’re never done with cuddles,” you tease him, and his pout immediately melts away into a happy grin.

“That’s ‘cos you’re nice to cuddle,” he states matter-of-factly, still holding his arms out to you yet he makes no effort to sit up and pull you back.

“I’ll be back in a sec, okay?” you blow him a kiss and he pretends to catch it, eyes shimmering under the lights as he presses his hand to his lips, laughing wholeheartedly when you roll your eyes at him.

A few seconds after you shut the door and you come back into the bedroom to find him sitting up against the headboard on the other side of the bed, legs outstretched. He looks up from his phone and immediately puts it down on his bedside table, throwing his arms out towards you again and beckoning you over to join him. Just as you put your knee to the duvet and get ready to crawl across the bed towards him, however, he suddenly stops you.

“Can you grab me a hoodie or something, please?” You arch an eyebrow.

“Why couldn’t you get it while I was in the bathroom?” Jungkook pouts.

“I didn’t think about it then,” he says, cheeks colouring a slight pink. “I was just thinking about you coming back for cuddles. I wanted to get comfortable.”

You roll your eyes playfully but move over to the closet anyway, unaware of Jungkook’s eager gaze following you across the room.

You scream at the sharp bloodied teeth that meet your gaze, dark, empty eyes staring back at you from within Jungkook’s closet. Delighted laughter rings out behind you and you turn to see your boyfriend rolling gleefully across the bed while you’re still trying to get your heart to calm down in your chest, breath rapidly passing through your lips as the initial shock starts to wear off.

You grab the mask, cringing as the silicone facial features bend in your fist, before you fling it across the room where it slaps against Jungkook’s shoulder, the hanger it had been attached to falling to your feet. He only laughs harder, burying his face into his pillows to try and muffle himself as his shoulders shake and his feet kick at the blankets.

“You little-” you put your hand over your heart, feeling the rapid beating under your palm slowly start to subside, finally looking at the mask where it lies crumpled on the bed. It seems to be some sort of clown-type mask bearing large fang-like teeth, bloodied make up smeared across the features and two dark holes where the eyes should be.

“I’m sorry, jagi,” Jungkook finally manages to say through his subsiding laughter, rolling over and sitting up to look at you, wiping his tears from his eyes.

“You said you wouldn’t prank me!” you cry, folding your arms across your chest and looking away, staring a hole into the floor.

“Actually,” Jungkook raises to his knees and shuffles across the bed, trying to hide his smirk and failing as it pushes his cheeks up under his eyes. “I said I’d go easy on you, I never said I wouldn’t prank you.” He watches you for a moment before he holds his hands out towards you, his fingers gently brushing at your elbows. “You okay?” You scuff your foot against the carpet, feeling the adrenaline rush of the jumpscare easing off and now feeling a little bit embarrassed about screaming.

“...yeah,” you mutter, not looking up at him but taking a tiny step closer, letting his hands fully surround your arms. With a grin, he gently takes hold of your elbows and pulls you closer to him until your chest is once again against his. Even while he’s kneeling on the bed, he’s still able to tuck your head under his chin and wrap his arms around your shoulders, and you return his hold by letting your arms circle his waist. Jungkook snickers quickly above you, still preening at successfully playing a joke on you even as he strokes your hair.

When he pulls back to check your expression, you exaggerate your pout and look up at him through your lashes. He chuckles quietly but moves his hands to cup your cheeks, pressing a gentle kiss to the tip of your nose. “I’m sorry, baby,” he says again. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“How?” you arch a brow again, your interest piqued but not wanting to give away your eagerness at getting your own back.

“Any way you want,” he tells you with another kiss to your nose, gently pushing some of your hair back behind your ear. You mull over his words quietly, a grin slowly growing on your lips.

“Anything?” If Jungkook sees the fire starting to simmer behind your eyes, he doesn’t say anything; instead, he simply smirks, eyes darkening to match yours.

“Anything.”

#btsholidaybingo #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts humour #jungkook fic #jungkook fluff #jk fic #jk fluff #bts jungkook #bts jk #bts jjk #jjk

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kayliemusing · 3 years ago

Text

42: top 3s

1: Top 3 ice cream flavors - classic vanilla, birthday cake/birthday batter, bubblegum

2: Top 3 Disney Movies - Mulan, Onward, Soul (but this changes frequently lol)

3: Top 3 vacation destinations - I've never been outside of my home country so I'll say my top 3 DREAM destinations: NYC, Hawaii, a random countryside in either France or the UK

4: Top 3 places to shop - Dynamite, Sephora, Winners/Homesense

5: Top 3 subjects of study/classes to take - English/anything creative writing related, Interior Decorating/Design, Communications?

6: Top 3 make up products - YSL Touche Eclat Foundation, literally any Mac Lipstick but it has to be matte, & Fenty Beauty contour stick

7: Top 3 music artists - Taylor Swift - Of Monsters and Men - The Lumineers

8: Top 3 spices/herbs - Cinnamon - Nutmeg (literally tastes like autumn) - Paprika

9: Top 3 drinks - Diet Coke - Hot Chocolate - Vanilla Bean Frappe

10: Top 3 apps to use - Instagram - Pinterest -iBooks

11: Top 3 months of the year - May, October, December

12: Top 3 clothing items - My black/white turtle neck, high waisted jeans, plaid blazer

13: Top 3 binge perfect tv shows - Bones, Supernatural, Brooklyn Nine Nine

14: Top 3 romantic dates - (I've never been on a date but if I had, it would be this) Evening walk, late night drive, late night coffee date (tbh anything at night feels romantic)

15: Top 3 kinds of flower - Water lilies, cherry blossoms, roses

16: Top 3 christmas movies - A Christmas Carol (2009), Home Alone, The Polar Express

17: Top 3 OTPs - Nesta and Cassian from ACOTAR series by SJM, Manon and Dorian from Throne of Glass series by SJM, Casteel and Poppy from From Blood and Ash series by JLM.

18: Top 3 quotes to describe your life - "I write not to find, but to leave" by Scherezade Siobhan - "I want to be myself again. I want to be six. I want to stop knowing everything I know" by Catherynne M. Valente - "The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get" by Joanna Hoffman.

19: Top 3 characteristics you love about yourself - my kindness bc it's not surface level kindness, but actually something deeply rooted within me - my resilience even tho sometimes it doesn't feel like resilience - my loyalty bc it is a hard as steel kind of loyalty

20: Top 3 kinds of candy - Maltesers, Kit kats, smarties

21: Top 3 ways to exercise/ be active - Walking, dancing, mowing the lawn/shoveling the sidewalk

22: Top 3 spirit animals - wolf, hummingbird, tiger (i googled it bc i didn't know and i was scared it was a joke but)

23: Top 3 petnames - I like 'lovebug', 'love', 'sweetheart'

24: Top 3 books read outside of school - The Hating Game by Sally Thorne, A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas but viewers discretion is advised, Crush by Richard Siken

25: Top 3 most used websites - Youtube, Tumblr, Pinterest

26: Top 3 people you last texted - my mom, my bestie megan, and my sister bc they're the only people i text...

27: Top 3 hashtags you use - the only time i use hashtags is if i'm trying to promote some of my writing so I'll usually use writingcommunity, writersonig, poetryonig lol

28: Top 3 instagram accounts you follow - Trista Mateer, Griefmother, obviously taylor swift

29: Top 3 guilty pleasures - buzzfeed quizzes, early 2000s music, romance novels

30: Top 3 summer activities - Going to the zoo, long evening walks, campfires and s'mores

31: Top 3 things to draw/doodle - hearts, flowers, random swirls bc it's the only thing i can doodle...

32: Top 3 aesthetics - cityscape aesthetic, autumn aesthetic, rustic aesthetic

33: Top 3 things you'd buy if you gained three million dollars - a new car, a condo, another cat

34: Top 3 ways to treat yourself - facial, a large bag of maltesers, buying the makeup i really want but have been putting off

35: Top 3 celebrity crushes - Evan Peters, Matthew Daddario, henry cavill

36: Top 3 books from your childhood - Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, The Big Friendly Giant by Roald Dahl, and Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmens

37: Top 3 accents to hear - Australian, super poshy british accent, new zealand accent

38: Top 3 scents - Fresh rain, vanilla, sweet cinnamon pumpkin from bath and body works

39: Top 3 "Friends" quotes - "WE WERE ON A BREAK" -Ross, "Guess things were just going too well for me" -also ross, and "it's so exhausting waiting for death" - phoebe

40: Top 3 cupcake flavors - tbh I haven't tried that many cupcakes so your typical vanilla, chocolate, and Pink Lady Cupcake from Babycakes Cupcakery

41: Top 3 fruits - Pomegranates, Strawberries, Raspberries

42: Top 3 places you've had amazing pizza from - Pizzahut, Dominos, Pizza73

43: Top 3 sports teams to watch - i don't

44: Top 3 crayola colors - uh, i guess red, purple, and pink??

45: Top 3 things you hope to accomplish in college - Certificates/Degrees in Copyediting and Creative Writing, and I think simply just deeper critical thinking skills when it comes to writing and books

46: Top 3 fanfictions you've read - I read more books than fanfics, I've read a couple on tumblr but don't remember the names sorry :/

47: Top 3 people you miss right now - my dad, my best friend bc she's in vancouver, taylor swift bc she's not on tumblr anymore rip

48: Top 3 fears - Failure, Loss, not achieving anything in life/not reaching my full potential

49: Top 3 favorite literary devices - Foreshadowing is always god tier, cliffhangers although evil i love those too, symbolism

50: Top 3 pet peeves - People dragging their shoes on the floor when they walk, when you tell someone your fav hobby/music artist/interest and they immediately go 'oh I hate X!', and people who go 'you're so quiet!!!' but in a way that draws in more attention and/or makes me feel more uncomfortable like i would literally rather die

51: Top 3 physical things you find attractive - Hands, nice hair, defined jawlines

52: Top 3 bad habits - Nailbiting, picking at my blemishes oops, lip biting

53: Top 3 pets you've had/wish to have - Cats bc they complete me, I've always wanted a Samoyed, and I've always wanted a turtle

54: Top 3 types of foreign food - Chicken Chow Mein, deep fried shrimp, japanese chicken wings

55: Top 3 things you want to say to someone in your lifetime - 'I quit', 'I love you', 'you changed my life'

56: Top 3 dog breeds - Samoyed, german shepherds, collies

57: Top 3 cheesy romance movies - You've Got Mail, How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, 10 Things I Hate About You

58: Top 3 languages you speak/wish to speak - French, Sign, and maybe Japanese?

59: Top 3 series (book, movie, television) - The Cruel Prince series by Holly Black, A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas (but literally only for Cassian and Nesta), From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L Armentrout

60: Top 3 pizza toppings - Mushrooms, alfredo sauce, pineapple

61: Top 3 youtubers you're subscribed to - Game Grumps, Charlotte Dobre, Megan Batoon

62: Top 3 tattoo / piercing ideas - I want to get a tattoo on my wrist of the last thing my dad ever wrote me, a hummingbird tattoo right next to it, and then a cross on my index finger

63: Top 3 awards you want to win - National Book Awards, Nobel Prize, and maybe even Goodreads Choice Awards lol

64: Top 3 emojis - Laugh/Crying emoji, the please sir emoji that kinda gives off those puss n boots eyes, and the stars emoji

65: Top 3 cars you dream of owning - 1970s Chev Impala, tbh a cute little Hyundai Venue, and maaaaybe the 1964 ferarri 250 gt luso (idk if that name was totally right but i had to do tons of googling to find it. i don't know a lot about cars and i don't really have a top 3 lol)

66: Top 3 authors - Right now I'm really into Sarah J Maas, Sally Thorne, and Holly Black maybe?

67: Top 3 historical figures - Jesus, Anne Frank, Vincent Van Gogh

68: Top 3 baby names - Ryder, Leila, Gracie

69: Top 3 DIYs - Candles, refurnishing old furniture (i.e. my mom and i painted our wooden garbage can), and really just any type of autumn diy

70: Top 3 smoothie combos/flavors - Strawberry/Banana, Mango, Strawberry-Mango

71: Top 3 songs of this month - Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish, Biblical by Calum Scott, and Visiting Hours by Ed Sheeran

72: Top 3 questions of this post you want to be asked - I did them all bc I made it a survey instead of an ask meme ;)

73: Top 3 villains - Regina/The Evil Queen from Once Upon a Time, Cruella De Vil, and Moriarty from Sherlock

74: Top 3 Cities you want to see - Montreal, NYC, Vancouver (honorable mention: LA)

75: Top 3 recipes you want to try - different kind of salad and/or burger bowls, Stuffed bell peppers, and homemade lemon loaf

76: Top 3 dream jobs - Bestselling author, the person who runs a companies social media accounts, youtuber/blogger

77: Top 3 lucky items - tbh don't have one

78: Top 3 traditions you have - Christmas Eve Service and if I don't go to that at least incorporating reading the christmas story on christmas day or eve, idk if this counts as tradition but going to the corn maze every fall, and whenever it's easter/christmas/thanksgiving we always have a big meal w/ family

79: Top 3 things you miss about being a kid - reckless abandon, dreaming about growing up with hopefulness and no dashed hopes, experiencing holidays like halloween and christmas as a kid

80: Top 3 harry potter characters - I've never read or watched Harry Potter rip (ok well i saw the first and second (and maybe third?) movie in the sixth grade I think) but I think I really liked Hermoine, Harry obviously and Dobby

81: Top 3 lies you were told - i don't have 3, but this one has a story but basically when my sister and i were in elementary school my sister got hit by a car and so the insurance thing was that she would recieve 10k when she was 18 and as a child i thought that was unfair so my dad told me that my sister had to split it with me when we were 18 lmao obviously that didn't happen (i think i realized that wasn't true in middle school)

82: Top 3 pictures in your camera roll right now - Pictures of my cat, one of my sister in a hilarious filter, and a picture of my rocking my TS merch

83: Top 3 turn ons - Kindness, defined jawline, easy going

84: Top 3 turn offs - arrogance, unkempt, super loud and obnoxious

85: Top 3 magazines/news papers/ journals to read - I don't read much of those so I'll tell you some sites I love for writing purpose's: there's Wellstoried, justwriterlythings, springhole.net (which is filled with generators if you're stuck and also tons of infomation and advice)

86: Top 3 things you wish you had known earlier - that toad in Mario Party was wearing a mushroom hat and that it is actually not his head, that immaculate means 'clean' before i misused that word like several times over the years, and that the one turn i always take on my way to work where i thought everyone didn't know how to drive was actually bc i didn't have the right of way rip me

87: Top 3 spongebob episodes - the one episode where spongebob and patrick find a ghost ship, that one episode where they form a bikini bottom band and perform it at a football game in a little fish tank, and the one episode where squidward has his first snowball fight

88: Top 3 places to be in the world - I'd love to be in NYC, Montreal, or Hawaii

89: Top 3 things you'd do differently - I would not have applied for RDC, similarly I should have just paid the 500 dollars to the one certificate program I wanted to do instead of overthinking it, and I wish I wouldn't have ended a friendship the way I did

90: Top 3 TV shows from your childhood - Spongebob Squarepants, That's So Raven, and Hannah Montana

91: Top 3 meals you love - Turkey Burgers, Chilli, and Instant Pot Chicken Tortilla Soup

92: Top 3 kinds of tea - i don't drink tea

93: Top 3 embarrassing moments - one time in sixth grade I tripped and fell right on my face in front of my crush, this other time like a couple years ago i opened the door to my car and only realized much too late while i was staring at this random family that it was not my car, and when i went to the gas station to get gas and couldn't get my gas lid on my car opened and this guy had to help me which was already embarrassing enough but then the gas pump wouldn't work so i had to go inside to pay just to realize i forgot my wallet and had to shamefully walk back to my car and then run back inside the convenience store and then pay and then walk back to my car and finally fill my tank.

94: Top 3 holidays to celebrate - Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving

95: Top 3 things to do in the rain - have an existential crisis, pretend you're in a music video, walk through puddles like you're six again

96: Top 3 things to do in the snow - Sledding, Build a snowman, shovel it even tho you don't want to

97: Top 3 items you can't leave the house w/o - phone, keys, wallet

98: Top 3 movies you'd like to see - Jurassic World 3, Hotel Transylvania: Transformania bc i'm a child, and the animation of the addams family

99: Top 3 art mediums - Writing fiction/poetry, painting, music

100: Top 3 museums you've been to - Royal Tyrell Museum, Canadian History one in edmonton lol, and heritage park in calgary

101: Top 3 school memories - Middle school dances when the popular kids would grind to the song "Low" which was always an interesting experience, in the twelfth grade at winter formal when we all shouted "SHUT UP AND DANCE!" at the same time when they played Shut Up and Dance, and the day i left

102: Top 3 things you don't/Won't miss - School, my sisters ex, 2016 bc she was a rough year yikes

103: Top 3 pick up lines - "My name is Will. God's Will.", "I'd like to take you to the movies but they don't like you bring your own snacks", "are you from tennessee bc you're the only 10 i see"

104: Top 3 sports to watch - none of them

105: Top 3 taylor swift songs - all too well - exile - coney island

#survey

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sweetboybucky · 5 years ago

Text

In October

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 1300

Warnings: Total pointless sap, because literally nothing has changed. Brought to you by Rae, that one girl who can’t stop giving a 100 year old former assassin fluffy animals to mother to death.

Summary: This is what Bucky dreamed of, in those years of ice, and even before.

A/N: This is my piece for my beautiful love @barnesrogersvstheworld‘s Are You Afraid of the Dark Halloween Challenge, and my prompt was black cat. Attie - I adore you. I know this challenge was meant for scary stuff, but I hope you like this one anyway.

I’ve missed you, my loves. Thank you for your kindness this year. I have appreciated it more than you could ever know. Some more notes at the end, to keep this author’s note from getting offensively long. I’m pretty rusty with this writing thing, but I hope you guys enjoy this one.

*** October settles softly in Brooklyn, with leaves of crimson and ochre and wind whistling through the trees. The smell of maple syrup lingering in the kitchen. Morning sunlight filtering through sheer curtains.

Eyes of winter gray hide themselves from the sun. Body curled tightly under the blanket he knitted for himself, fingers closing around the soft fabric, drawing it up higher to cover the little smile on his lips as he listens to you - humming something under your breath, making Bucky’s apartment feel like home.

A sigh slips into the air, and you chuckle a little on the exhale. Bucky’s grin grows wider.

There is quiet, measured amusement in your voice when you ask, “You going to help me with this, honey?”

He groans. “Too early.”

“Not that early, Buck.”

“Still too early.”

“You said you would help me decorate.”

He lets his eyes open when the couch shifts with your weight, when he feels you press into his side, warm and solid and real. Looks up at you through a bleary gaze, your beautiful face, your kind eyes. Hums when you stroke your fingers through his hair, lips pressing to his temple.

“How did I ever manage to wind up with such a lump?” you tease. “Don’t you want to decorate for Halloween?”

“Too tired,” he argues. Startles when a slight weight lands on his legs, little paws digging into his thighs, moving up to his belly. An all too familiar chirp sounds through the air.

“Look who’s awake,” you say, and Bucky turns his face down, finds those gorgeous green eyes, that expanse of shiny, smooth black fur.

“Good morning, Princess Cricket,” Flesh fingers stroke behind her ears, down her back. Affection bubbles in him when she goes pliant, flopping down to lay on top of him on her side, chirping and extending her face up for more attention.

You echo him, smiling as you pet at Cricket’s side. “Good morning, Cricket,” turning to him, you add, “Wait here a second,” then you stand, taking your heat with you. Bucky misses it in an instant.

He whines, reaches a hand out to you as you walk over to the bin of decorations you abandoned on the floor, digging through it, “What are you doing? Come back.”

“I bought a present for the baby, I’ll be back in a second.”

Bucky grins, mock innocence in his voice as he calls back, “Am I the baby getting the present?”

“Well,” you say, turning back once you’ve found whatever it is you were looking for, a small object hidden between your hands, “you’re certainly a baby.” He tickles your side when you take your seat next to him again, tender warmth curling in his heart as you laugh and swat at his hand. “But this present isn’t for you.”

A frown pulls at his lips, but it’s teasing. “No fair.”

“Because Halloween is practically your holiday, Miss Cricket,” ignoring his words, tapping Cricket’s nose with your finger, “I got something to help you look the part.

Winter eyes track your hands as the move, settling the gift on Cricket’s head, pulling back once it’s in place, pressing sweet into his side.

And he can see Cricket now, as she stares up at him with a tiny, jet black witch’s hat on her head.

Laughter comes deep from his chest, rumbling through the room. He tweaks the point of the hat with one hand, goes back to stroking Cricket’s face as he wraps his metal arm around you. Drawing you closer, feeling something too soft for him to name beneath his skin as he looks from you to the cat.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it,” he tells you, moving his fingers to take yours in his grip. Kissing your knuckles once, twice before continuing, “I think Cricket does, too.” She chirps at him, holding very still. “You’re so scary, sweetpea, my little demon witch.”

“She’s cute, not scary.”

“You do know that she’s a demon in a million trashy horror movies, right?” He taps the hat again, looks at Cricket as he continues, “She was a total demon when she was a kitten.”

“Cricket is too cute to be a demon.”

“You didn’t find her eating a brand new loaf of bread after she tore through the plastic with her tiny daggers for teeth.”

“Guess I didn’t.” You scratch at Cricket’s belly, just to get her to stretch out across Bucky’s chest. “But I bet she had you whipped, anyway.”

And he remembers, with a surge of something fierce and overwhelming, when he had first brought her home, between after everything and before you, when she was tiny and warm and so curious. How he had worried over her, but how grateful he was to have her.

“She did,” he concedes. But he lets his smile turn teasing again. “Doesn’t mean she wasn’t a demon.”

“Does this,” you gesture to the cat, nuzzling her face into Bucky’s belly and purring, “look like a demon to you?”

“Yes,” he answers. “Look at her. I can’t believe I’m still alive. She’s drawing it out, the anticipation is killing me.” He curls his flesh arm around her little body, hauling her up so she can nestle her wet nose against the skin of his neck, grinning up at you, “Put me out of my misery already, Demon Cricket.”

“She’s about as scary as you, Buck.”

Breath hitches in his throat. He looks up at you, watching your face and that careful measure of fondness in your expression for a long moment, turning those words over in his head. Admiring the way the sun makes your skin glow gold. Slowly lifting fingers of cool metal, tracing the line of your cheek, staring as you grip them in your own, press a few lingering kisses to the knuckles, the palm of his hand.

“I love you.”

It is a quiet, tentative and breathless statement. A feeling that has been stirring in his mind since he first met you, since your warmth first touched his heart. A fierce kind of emotion he has felt for you for so long without naming, without breathing it into the air.

Your eyes are wide, and there’s something he can’t name in your expression now. But it gives way to a smile too tender for words. A small, private thing meant for the two of you alone.

“I love you, too, Buck.”

And this is what he dreamed of - what he longed for in the years of cold, and even before then.

His next exhale is shaky, but a grin comes with it anyway. Because he loves you, more than those words alone could ever explain, can feel it in his bones, and you love him, too.

Shifting on the couch, he keeps a hand on Cricket to keep her in place, hearing her chirp as he makes room for you. Tugs on your hand, pulls you down next to him.

“I guess decorating can wait for a little while,” you murmur, indulgent and so sweet as you curl into his side. Hook your arm over his belly, your cheek pressed to his shoulder.

Eyes trace over your face for long, peaceful minutes, his lips making a path from your hairline to your cheek to your nose to your mouth, kissing you slowly, sighing into your mouth when your hands thread through his hair. Keeping him close, drawing him in.

He pulls away to tuck you against his side, one last lingering press of his mouth to your hair before resting his nose in the strands. Breathing against you, letting every loose part of him settle.

Cricket’s fur is soft beneath his fingers, and you are so warm against his side, and there’s so much sunshine spilling into the room. Such an easy, mundane morning, made beautiful by the simplest of things.

“Baby?”

“Yeah, Buck?”

“Can we get hats to match with Cricket for Halloween?”

You chuckle into his neck, pull back to look at him. “Sure, honey.” Fingers trace the line of his jaw, and your lips follow soon after, affectionate kisses pressed into his skin, filling him with light and love.

Notes:

Title and inspiration for this one from girl in red’s gorgeous song, “we fell in love in october” because it made my gay little heart feel something.

A special thanks to @panicfob for posting about the handwriting method and how helpful it is during a writing slump, it was how I got the first draft of this one done. You’re lovely, darling, and thank you for sharing your tips with us.

Cricket the Demon Cat is mildly based on my own cat, Maddie, because she is very chirpy, lovey and cuddly, and she also once tore through the plastic on a brand new loaf of bread and ate half of it when she was a kitten. I love her.

More love to all of you, and my amazing friends, for all the support. This year has been hard. Just trying to hope for better in these last few months, and the upcoming decade. I hope your days are filled with so much light, darlings.

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thecoleopterawithana · 5 years ago

Note

Your quote: "So perhaps, when in 1989 Paul asks “Did I ever take you in my arms, look you in the eye, tell you that I do” the part that he “never did” was the latter"( with John according to your perspective??)--I saw a video where Paul says he's talking about how the workaday life meant he sometimes took marriage and Linda for granted--like we all do our spouses at times--and that was why he wrote that song. Your take please? Respectfully inquiring--thanks!

Hello, anon dear. Thanks so much for your respectful request! Especially considering that every opportunity I get to talk about “This One” is a personal pleasure.

I believe the video you were referring to is this one (eheh), where correspondent Bernard Goldberg interviews Paul for the TV series 48 Hours. The episode follows part of The Paul McCartney World Tour, which marked not only his first major tour outing in ten years, but also the first time in his solo career that a substantial number of Beatles songs were included in the setlist.

Paul is asked about “This One” near the 8:30 mark of the first video and his answer continues in the second part.

youtube

Here is a transcription of the segment in question:

Q: Let me ask you about one of the new songs, “This One”. Is it about a marriage?

Paul: A relationship, yeah.

Q: And about, not expressing emotions and feelings?

[Paul performing “This One”]

Paul: You get those moments, sort of late at night or when you’re feeling good and you think, “Oh, you know, it’d be great to kind of— I hope I tell her I love her enough, and all that.” And then come the morning, when you’ve got to get off to the office and it’s [yawns] “Okay, goodbye, love you!”, and so on. And, you know, life’s like that. And there’s never kind of enough time to— If you like your parents for instance, to tell them, “God, just what you meant to me.”

[Paul performing “This One”]

Paul: You always think, “Well, I’m saving it up. I’ll tell ‘em one day.” And what happens with a lot of people is— Something like John, for instance, getting back to that subject. He died.

I was lucky. The last few wee— months that he was alive, we’d managed to get our relationship back on track. And we were talking and having real good conversations. Real nice and friendly. But George, actually, didn’t, I don’t think, get his relationship right. They were arguing right up to the end. Which I’m sure is a source of great sadness to him. And I’m sure, in the feeling of this song, that George was always planning to tell John he loved him. But time ran out. And that’s what the song is about. There never could be a better moment than this one, you know, now. Take this moment to say, [hesitates] “I love you.” [Laughs] It’s not quite the same.

Now, about your question. I take you were wondering why in the post you quoted me on I used an excerpt of this song to hypothesize about a facet of Paul and John’s relationship.

Allow me to begin by saying that, as the wonderful @amoralto pointed out in the aforementioned post, one should be cautious about what kind of information we’re extracting from an art form like songs. The sources of inspiration can be multiple, and the exact meaning of the piece elusive even to its author. So it’s probably best to be prudent about taking the lyrics too literally or extrapolating the entire song as to be about a single situation/person.

Nevertheless, there are still certain patterns and themes that keep emerging, and I am curious about examining those. And being songs one of the places where they more openly communicated and truly laid bare their feelings, I believe the tumble down the rabbit hole of speculation might be worth it, just to see what we may find there.

As Paul put it:

The idea is that what I’ll leave behind me will be music, and I may not be able to tell you everything I feel, but you’ll be able to feel it when you listen to my music. I won’t have the time or the articulation to be able to say it all, but if you enjoy composing you say it through the notes.

Of course, John also said:

When Paul and I write a song, we try and take hold of something we believe in – a truth. We can never communicate 100 per cent of what we feel, but if we can convey just a fraction, we have achieved something. We try to give people a feeling – they don’t have to understand the music if they can just feel the emotion. This is half the reason the fans don’t understand, but they experience what we are trying to tell them.

So maybe we can experience the emotion they infused the song with, but not always be able to understand the circumstances that gave rise to it in their own lives.

To find that last crucial piece of the puzzle, one has to truly contextualise the song. And that’s where all the other more tangible sources of information come in, such as quotes and timelines.

Of course, drawing conclusions from any kind of data is, in itself, an interpretation. And an inescapably personal one at that.

The only way to approximate objectivity is through critical thinking and emotional intelligence. Continuously question your own assumptions and those of others, and don’t be attached to any one answer. Be willing to change your views based on new information and be open to considering new perspectives. I find that input from others is invaluable in drawing my attention to an angle I’d previously missed. For if our personal experiences sometimes blind us to certain facets of the subject we’re examining, they also give us a more intimate understanding of other sides of it, as we’ve walked in those same shoes before and know precisely what it feels like.

What I essentially mean with this disclaimer is that this is my current interpretation of the information. And my answers are usually so slow and long (my apologies) because I try to provide the data so that you can draw your own conclusions.

That settled, here is how I interpret Paul’s explication of “This One”.

The interviewer begins by asking if the song is about a marriage and Paul sightly corrects him that it’s about a relationship.

Then Goldberg posits his theory regarding the theme: “not expressing emotions and feelings.” And Paul goes on to explain, in his usual inclusive and generalising fashion:

You get those moments, sort of late at night or when you’re feeling good and you think, “Oh, you know, it’d be great to kind of— I hope I tell her I love her enough, and all that.” And then come the morning, when you’ve got to get off to the office and it’s [yawns] “Okay, goodbye, love you!”, and so on.

He uses the second person to emphasize how the reporter must share his feelings — ‘you know what I mean, right?’ — thus making his experiences not only more relatable and perceivable, but it also slightly removes the focus from himself. You put it best when you said, “like we all do […] at times.”

He does start by giving the example of an apparently marital routine. And though it could have been chosen as something the interviewer would more quickly relate to, it may also be that he had difficulty “expressing emotions and feelings” in his marriage with Linda. He has spoken of such hurdles in his relationship with Nancy, which he expressed in his 2013 hidden track “Scared”.

Well, I’m just like anybody else, man! You know? You get those moments. I don’t normally write about them; but it’s a good thing to use. I was feeling it, as well. I was newly in love with Nancy, and I was finding it a little difficult to say, ‘I love you.’ Number one, I’m a guy, and that’s a big excuse, I know, but it is a bit true to form…

— Paul McCartney, interview with Miranda Sawyer for The Guardian (13 October 2013).

So I slightly disagree with your assessment that the song is about “how the workaday life meant he sometimes took marriage and Linda for granted”. I don’t think he took his relationship with Linda for granted as much as he was unable to openly express how much it meant to him. He got inundated by “those moments” of love and appreciation, but then kind of used the hustle and bustle of everyday life as an excuse not to dwell on the discomfort of having to confess them.

I think it’s perhaps more accurate to say that the matter of “expressing emotions and feelings”, particularly actually saying “I love you”, is something that Paul has struggled with all his life and pervaded most of his relationships.

He even goes on to give the example of his parents, and how he wished he’d tell them, “God, just what you meant to me.” Which is a similar phrasing to the one he uses in “Scared”, more than two decades later:

I’m scared to say I love you / Afraid to let you know / That the simplest of words won’t come out of my mouth / Though I’m dying to let them go / Trying to let you know […]I’m still too scared to tell you / Afraid to let you see / That the simplest of words won’t come out of my mouth / Though I’m dying to set them free / Trying to let you see, how much it means to me / How much you mean to me / How much you mean to me now

But the relationship in which this theme of not expressing emotions and feelings seems most stark, at least as Paul expressed it publicly and in his music, is in his relationship with John.

He puts it quite plainly in another quote about “Scared”:

Paul: You can actually say, “I love you,” to someone, but it’s quite hard. And so that’s why it’s usually easier when you’re a bit drunk. It’s like ‘Here Today’ [on 1982’s Tug of War], which was for John, and there is the line, (sings) “Du du du du du du du, I love you,” and it is a bit of a moment in the song. It would be a bit like Keith Richards saying to Mick, “I love you.” I mean he does, but I’m not sure he’s going to say it. I’m sure the Gallaghers love each other on some level, probably quite deeply, but that certainly isn’t going to get said soon. I think it’s quite an interesting subject and I felt it most recently with [wife] Nancy, I knew I loved her but to actually say, “I love you,” you know, it’s just not that easy.

— Paul McCartney, interview with Pat Gilbert for MOJO (November 2013).

Note that even here, in a quote about a song he wrote for Nancy, he harkens back to his experiences with having difficulty saying “I love you” to John.

Paul even mentions that it’s easier to do it “when you’re a bit drunk” — I want to tell her that I love her a lot / But I gotta get a bellyful of wine — which seems to be a reference to “the night we cried”. That night in Key West in 1964 was an “important emotional landmark”, not only because they exposed themselves emotionally by crying, but they also may have actually said the big ‘I Love You’.

One night, we got pretty drunk and argued and laughed, and it ended up us both crying, because it was, you know at the height of your drunkenness, when you’re all, “Hey man, I love you, man. No, I love you, man.” That was probably the only time we just got that kind of intimate with each other. It’s a male machismo embarrassment thing. I mean, you might say to a girl, “I love you”, but in my case, within the group, The Beatles, it would have been difficult, even though we all did love each other. You just all had to be guys to the full. We were all rough, tough cream puffs.

— Paul McCartney, interview with the Daily Mail (4 June 2016).

He attributes his difficulty to a “male machismo embarrassment thing”, and that he could say “I love you” to a girl but not to his mates. But in his 2013 interview for The Guardian, he also points to the fact that he is a guy to explain his difficulties verbally expressing his love Nancy.

But adding to the “stiff upper lip” imposed on northern lads, Paul himself is especially guarded about his feelings:

It’s funny because just in real life, I find that a challenge. I like to sort of, not give too much away. Like you said, I’m quite private. Why should people, know my innermost thoughts? That’s for me, they’re innermost. But in a song, that’s where you can do it. That’s the place to put them. You can start to reveal truths and feelings. You know, like in ‘Here Today’ where I’m saying to John “I love you”. I couldn’t have said that, really, to him. But you find, I think, that you can put these emotions and these deeper truths – and sometimes awkward truths; I was scared to say “I love you”. So that’s one of the things that I like about songs.

— Paul McCartney, on the challenge of giving too much of himself away when writing meaningful and truthful songs. Asked by Simon Pegg and interviewed by John Wilson for BBC 4’s Mastertapes (24 May 2016).

More than the pleasure associated with creating something out of nothing — “songwriting is like sex” — music also offers the utter relief of unburdening Paul of his feelings, which he finds great difficulty in exorcising in a more direct way:

Songwriting is like psychiatry; you sit down and dredge up something that’s inside, bring it out front. And I just had to be real and say, John, I love you. I think being able to say things like that in songs can keep you sane.

— Paul McCartney, interview with Robert Palmer for the New York Times (25 April 1982).

There was an inescapable need to come out, be real, and say to John, “I love you”; even if he has to “write it to the great record player in the sky”.

Because more than speaking of a fear of expressing emotions and feelings in Paul’s day to day life — like in “Scared” — “This One” is clearly about the regret of doing it too late:

[L]ife’s like that. And there’s never kind of enough time to— […] You always think, “Well, I’m saving it up. I’ll tell ‘em one day.” And what happens with a lot of people is— Something like John, for instance, getting back to that subject. He died. […] And I’m sure, in the feeling of this song, that George was always planning to tell John he loved him. But time ran out. And that’s what the song is about. There never could be a better moment than this one, you know, now. Take this moment to say, [hesitates] “I love you.” [Laughs] It’s not quite the same.

Even with his usual emotional distancing by projecting onto George and using “we” instead of “I”, Paul plainly explains the song is about cautioning people to take this moment to say “I love you”, at the risk of having time ran out on them as it happened with him and John.

And one can see how determined Paul is to get this message spread, as he often reiterates it when introducing “Here Today” in concerts — a song written in part out of his need to clearly say “I love you” to John — a frequent presence in his live performances for the last 20 year.

youtube

Paul McCartney’s One on One World Tour in Detroit, Michigan, at Little Caesars Arena on October 2, 2017.

Paul: One of the other things I say on our shows is that sometimes you want to say something really nice to someone, or pay them a compliment, or you feel a bit shy and a bit embarrassed, so you think, “Ah, I’ll say it tomorrow.” You put it off to another day. You know, you can put it off. And sometimes that’s too late; you’re too late. I wrote this next song after my dear friend John who passed away. Let’s hear it for John! And you know, when you’re kids, particularly — I mean, when we first started the Beatles we were in our early twenties, kind of thing — and you’re a bunch of guys, up in Liverpool at that time… There’s no way you’re gonna say to each other, “Hey, I love you, man.” It just didn’t happen, you know. You just didn’t say things. But you know, when [unintelligeable] we didn’t say it, so when John died, you know, I wanted to kind of say it somehow. So this next song is in the form of a conversation we didn’t get to have.

The fact that Paul has often connected the theme of not verbally expressing his feelings, and in particular of being too late to do it, to his relationship with John, is what led me use “This One”, in that post and in others, as an expression of that dynamic between them.

In the post you quoted me on in specific, I say that perhaps the part that they “never did” was outright “tell” each other “that I do [love you]”, given that they have embraced — “take you in my arms” — and made intense eye contact — “look you in the eye.”

The song is basically a love song – did I ever say I love you? And if I didn’t it’s because I was waiting for a better moment… ‘There could never be a better moment than this one…

— Paul McCartney, in “Club Sandwich 52, Summer 1989″.

Paul goes on to repeat this sentiment of emotional frankness in the rest of the verse: “Did I ever open up my heart / Let you look inside?” A phrase that, in my opinion, so aptly encapsulates the issues Paul brought to the relationship, that I use it as a title for Paul-centered posts in the Don’t Let Me Down | Trust Issues series.

But to be honest, the thing that really convinced me that song was about him and John, was a moment in this session:

youtube

After singing the lines “Did I ever touch you on the cheek / Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile”, Paul mimics one of John’s characteristic smiles, as the wonderful @vairemelde illustrated in this post.

With all that said, it appears that all there is to do is to appreciate this wonderful piece of music.

Did I ever take you in my arms, / Look you in the eye, tell you that I do, / Did I ever open up my heart / Let you look inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

Did I ever touch you on the cheek / Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile, / Did I ever knock upon your door / And try to get inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

What opportunities did we allow to flow by / Feeling like the time it wasn’t quite right? / What kind of magic might have worked if we had stayed calm, / Couldn’t I have given you a better life?

Did you ever take me in your arms / Look me in the eye tell me that you do? / Did I ever open up my heart, / Let you look inside?

If I never did it, I was only waiting / For a better moment that didn’t come. / There never could be a better moment / Than this one, this one.

The swan is gliding above the ocean, / A god is riding upon his back, / How calm the water and bright the rainbow / Fade this one to black.

Tangents

I’m Scared To Say I Love You

What About The Night We Cried

Did I Ever Take You In My Arms

The Surrealist

#asks me why #This One #For you were in my song #Did I Ever open up my heart and let you look inside?#look you in the eye #Scared #Here Today #her majesty #Songwriting is like psychiatry #'i love you'#what about the night we cried?#the person i actually picked as my partner #macca #johnny #Linda #Nancy #solo #meta #my stuff

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