#finally some identity euphoria instead of dysphoria

[clonerightsagenda]

Miranda: I'm going to get a good grade in being Miranda, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

[verdemoun]

Hey, it's me again! Sorry for being mousey last time.

I know this is a bit recent but if I wait too long I'll either lose the idea or my nerve.

For some reason, I adore the Transfem "Kieran" Duffy HC. It's almost certainly projection, because while I was never held hostage by a roving band of psychotic Irishmen, I am shy, neurodivergent, and paranoid to the point of having escape plans I will never use.

I know you already did one for 1899 Kieran (which may or may not have cursed me with a love of an incredibly niche HC for an already very niche character) but could you maybe do one for Timewarp?

Alternatively, if you would like something different, Sean and his father learn about everything that happened in Ireland after their deaths. The 1916 Easter Rising, The Troubles, or Margaret Thatcher as a whole.

As another alternative, disregard this ask all together, and go get a snack. You probably need one.

A snack would be good rn I'll have a snack with one hand and reply with the other.

Transfem Kieran,,, beloved.

Bessie motherfucking Matthews can smell gender dysphoria like a bloodhound and would notice the second they brought the non-verbal smelly homeless former-O'Driscoll home.

Kieran's been sleeping rough for a month, just like when he was first let off the tree in Horseshoe he desperately needs a bath.

After a slight miscommunication about hot water (and the concept of not needing to share bath water), Kieran is sitting on the couch two hours later shivering in three layers of clean clothes and a blanket with Bessie very gently and patiently brushing the knots and mats out of his hair. The first thing Kieran makes close to a noise is a delighted squeak in the back of his throat as Bessie says what nice hair he has. Bessie immediately ties a little braid in Kieran's hair, to another overjoyed squeak.

Kieran absolutely latches onto Bessie as a safe person. When her husband assures her Kieran had always been around the women in camp and just seemed to prefer their company, Bessie takes note.

Innocently saying that they weren't expecting any more timewarpers for a while so Kieran has to go shopping in her wardrobe for a bit. While Hosea's clothes are in there too he picks out a v-neck and a chunky knitted cardigan and looks very content in women's clothing that still fits loose because of how scrawny he is.

Bessie also offers to help Kieran shave. Getting a close shave was still a fairly rare occasion thing in 1890s so she could easily say it was a treat to make timewarping seem less scary.

Instead Mair gets a moment of seeing herself with her hair perfectly washed and brushed and soft and clean shaven in femme-presenting clothes that didn't even exist in canon era and very quickly goes from 'yay men can be pretty in modern era' to the gender euphoria of 'wait am I a man? or am I a pretty lady? can i,, oh i can be a pretty lady!!'.

Bessie would also be euphoric because a) timewarp actually giving people a chance to explore gender identity in a way they couldn't in canon era and proving all the fear and learning to adapt to modern era is a good thing b) she finally gets a daughter because throughout all the children she has accidentally adopted over her lifetime (Arthur, John, Sean, Lenny) she is yet to actually have a daughter due to dying before the gang picked up Tilly.

Bessie would adore brushing Mair's hair and taking her shopping to get fancy nice smelling soaps and clothes. Mair would still be a hoodie gremlin but the classic oversized paired with a mini skirt but the hoodie's so long it just looks like she's not wearing anything under it.

Exception being first-time she sees a dress she absolutely must have. It very much looks like something from the early 20th century and only modern to the gang, with a bell skirt and petticoat to match.

Processing timewarp honestly takes up so much of the gang's time most would struggle to actually recognise Mair as Kieran except for the OG timewarpers who would respect times change I guess Mair is her name now. 'There's cars now and no one owns horses, and robbing banks and getting away with murder is almost impossible, you have to get an actual paying law-abiding job, also sometimes people change gender'.

Molly would absolutely fall in love with having another girl in the gang who doesn't actively hate her (her and Karen still have some beef to work out) and spend hours doing Mair's make-up with all her fancy products and Mair would adore it. Otherwise she is useless at doing make-up because that shit is hard.

She's somehow an even bigger horsegirl because she really identified with the being a girl part. People thought Kieran was obnoxious with his love of horses? Mair is worse, infinitely, infinitely worse. The few who make the connection Mair was once Kieran Duffy? The way she talks about horses.

My Little Pony backpack that goes everywhere with her.

She makes friendship bracelets for her favourite people, because she would never part with any of her precious horse figurines for any reason. She would still bite Sean for touching any one of them.

Bessie: precious darling daughter would you like to get our nails done together? Mair: yes please!! - after - Mair: yay pretty nails!! pretty!! Bessie: Bessie: it's okay if you want to take them off Mair: oh my god yes please

[multigenderswag]

i just wanted to say thank you because this blog is what made me realize i’m multigender, and that realization basically completely wiped out so many doubts i had about my gender.

i started t last year and being a trans man is a huge part of my identity, but the changes t brought also seemed to unlock some parts of my gender that my dysphoria had been keeping hidden away before. when i started getting gender euphoria from being seen as a woman despite my new appearance or feeling more genderless/neutral parts of myself, i got so stressed out thinking i had been mistaken somehow. i kept agonizing over trying to figure out my One True Gender, trying to mix all the feelings into one thing or choose between them. i knew multigender people existed, but somehow it never occurred to me that *i* could be one. and then i found this blog and spent literal days scrolling through all of it over and over and it just hit me that trying to choose had been so agonizing because the right answer all along was all of the above.

i’ve been out for almost a decade but i think this might be the freest and most comfortable i’ve ever felt in my gender — i can finally welcome and embrace all the fun new gender feelings i’ve been having on t instead of seeing them as a threat to who i thought i was, and it’s such a nice feeling.

so thanks for making this blog and helping me finally get it through my head that i’m not actually wrong about my gender, i’m just much more genderful than i thought i was!

Haha! I've multigendered another one! >:)

Congratulations on the gender, anon. Realizing you align somewhat with your AGAB can be terrifying if you previously identified as binary trans, but it can also be fun to explore that gender without having it forced on you. It can be hard to accept that your womanhood doesn't threaten or invalidate or cancel out your manhood (and vice versa), but accepting that is a really nice feeling.

[r-brauns]

Gender Stuff #2

I made a breakthrough yesterday and came to the conclusion I was performing my agab for the wrong reasons.

Essentially, I started thinking about this when I was wondering if this whole trans thing and gender questioning stuff was just a phase. When thinking about my childhood and past, I counted the years that I preferred to dress like a boy, would be excited upon being mistaken for a boy, and really tried to hide my body during puberty along with counting the years where I was hyper-fem. It turns out that, while I can't account for all my feelings during childhood, I think I experienced quite a bit of gender euphoria and dysphoria as a kid. Here's some:

Before I even had a concept of gender I'd cry and throw fits over my mom dressing me up in anything girly. I hated clothes shopping and never wanted to wear what she picked out until I was able to ask for boys clothing, then shopping became fun for me.

Around 7 or 8 I would try to "pee like a boy" and even made a STP out of toilet paper before I even knew what an STP was.

I vaguely remember a few times praying/hoping I'd wake up as a boy

Getting accepted by the guys and seen as one of them made me extremely happy. I didn't have a desire to really be associated with girls, even when it came to team sports like bowling where gender didn't matter, I wanted to be over by the boys.

I really liked being mistaken for a boy, especially this one time when this girl who was younger than me confessed she thought I was a pretty cute guy in HS.

I would always catfish as a boy online, for years.

I was binding at ages 13-14 and wearing compression pants to hide my figure. I would refuse to let anyone see my body. By 14/15 I was identifying as FTM.

There's a few more but I think I got my point across. Of course these signs aren't 100% indicative that I'm trans but to me they mean something and that alone made me look into why those feelings suddenly were "forgotten about". I mostly attribute it to the fact I was dismissed by my mother when I came out and then had a bad experience with a trans friend who accused me of copying them (I am deathly afraid I'm being influenced by outside factors or following a "trend" even now, 11 years later).

Shortly after that clusterfuck, I gave up on the identity and at around 18 I started dressing hyper-fem. I looked into why I did this sudden 180 and I remember distinctly doing it so that I could be more like my friends who seemed to be living more successful lives than I was (more popular, attention from boys) and so I thought in order to have a successful life I needed to get a boyfriend so that I could get married and so I could have a picket-white fence type lifestyle and be happy. Chasing this only made me miserable. I wasn't doing it because it felt like me at the time, I instead grew into that role and became so depressed trying to reach the goal of "normalcy" that any threat to that (like a break up) would leave me depressed and anxious. So I was constantly seeking attention from guys and to do that I dressed and acted as a woman. I would sexualize myself and it always felt bad afterwards. I was just not happy until I was at least in the relationship stage but I noticed as I got more comfortable and secure in the relationship, I started dressing more masculine again and going back to how I was in HS (when I felt freer and happier).

Currently, I've been in the longest relationship I've ever been in and I feel like because I've gone the longest without feeling the need to attract men that I can finally be myself which has led to questioning my gender. I don't know if that's 100% the reason but the timing is interesting. But because of those few years where I was hyper-fem and looking to attract guys, it's super hard not to fall back into those habits. It's spawned one of my worst fears about being trans which is regretting transition.

What if I regret it and I can't find someone who'll be attracted to me? What if I ruin my life? I don't think I would hate the effects of T or being seen as a man or have any reverse dysphoria because of it but I'm so scared of the what-ifs that my old self is worried about. It drives me bonkers. Of course I'm also worried about transphobia and general acceptance and dealing with doctors but they aren't my main worries (at least now). And that sucks because I've loved every single step I've taken to masculinize myself during the time I've experimented with my gender but its so hard to actually feel any feelings and not immediately dismiss them because they aren't strong. Unfortunately, I'm afraid of change and regret so bad that being as I am now is something I see as the safer option. Not necessarily happier option and I kind of don't know how to get over that. I was the thrive, not just survive.

[non-binharry]

Hello asia! I'm going to title this essay "Why Boyfriends is about Louis - and that's okay!" by a friendly neighboorhood trans larrie. So let's give some background shall we? If you look at lyrics in the LCU (Larry Cinematic Universe) we can all see the main problem that has come up in their relationship: communication. I'll get into specific examples later but that's what it boils down to. As someone who has been here since 2012, I don't see anything in their lyrics to be about cheating, abuse, etc. So after a few listens of Boyfriends and reading the lyrics, I came to the conclusion that it's definitely about Louis and it's all about the lack of communication Harry felt he was getting during a difficult time. But what time, you may ask? Well, dear reader, in my humble opinion all their relationship troubles are not about cheating, feeling abused, break ups w.e angst wank people seem to think gay relationships can't get through like straight ones. No, imo it lies in a complicated mix of two big things: closeting, and Harry's gender identity. *for disclaimer purposes to cishets already offended by now: saying Harry is trans could mean a variety of things. His pronouns could be he/they/she but there is no denying that in the past 12 years of Harry bring in the spotlight, his relationship with gender is there and something that trans fans have picked up on, just like the gay ones who picked up on their relationship. This is just one person's interpretation of their songs so if you don't agree please ignore it. And be kind*

So, you might say, what do you mean, dear anon? Gender in the LCU? More likely than you think! I want to preface by saying that I analyze LCU songs on what I believe happened between them: they were feeling the restraints of their closet early on 2012-14 and were bad at communicating their feelings about it (Louis personality makes me think he's very much the "lets ignore our problems so we dont dwell on them" type man), but during all that Harry was also dealing with gender dysphoria and felt like Louis was shutting him out so he had no one to talk to. So when Harry finally opened up about it, Louis felt awful for not being there for him. Too Young reads as a big apology for all of that but I'll get back to that later. Take Walls and how its about Harry. Verse 1: "nothing wakes you up like waking up alone, and all thats left of us is a cupboard full of clothes" (very clearly referring to a closet with "us") "the day you walked away and took the higher ground was the day that I became the man that I am now". Now bear with me here: imo this entire intro is Louis describing their relationship as they deal with Harry's gender identity. Why? Because look at the word "higher ground". When do you go to higher ground? When flooding happens aka water disasters. Water, which has literary themes of rebirth when you emerge from it, is a big theme in Harry's music videos. Specifically with Falling with him underwater lamenting about his identity. He's drowning, feeling worthless, "what if I'm someone you won't talk about?". I believe Falling is about Harry feeling the lows of being trans, overthinking how it affects Louis, and the music video reflects that. Now back to Walls. The day Harry was able to escape the drowning (gender acceptance and euphoria) and take higher ground was the time Louis finally felt like they solved the worst of their communication issues and Louis could be "the man that I am now" in being an ultra supportive partner. The high walls Louis sings about is the way he used to box himself in from trying to deal with their problems (that he only thought was closeting but instead much deeper) but in the end they all came "falling" (*pointed stare*) down for Harry. Thats why he laments about "hurting who you love and no amount of words would ever be enough" when its literally the love of his life "you were my because". Louis has always been supportive of the trans community so I think he was kicking himself for a long time for not noticing what was happening with Harry. That's why the "thank yous" are so bittersweet. It was a painful but necessary wakeup call of not being there for his partner but they both grew from it. Perfect Now was born out of Louis giving Harry gender affirmations. Always You and We Made It are celebrating that they got through it together. But what about Too Young and Defenceless? Fear not! Because this is how they tie into Boyfriends. (2)

Boyfriends reads as Harry feeling unsupported Louis. In fact, think of it as Harry talking to a mirror about his problems after a hard day. Verse 1: "boyfriends, they think you're so easy, they take you for granted" The you is himself of course. Because of the lack of communication in their relationship, Harry felt like Louis wasn't paying attention to him. "They don't know they're misunderstanding you". This line speaks volumes to me. When you use "misunderstanding" it means that someone isn't understanding you correctly. But the boyfriend does not know that he's not understanding Harry correctly, right? Sound familiar to past themes in songs? As stated before Too Young feels like a big apology song by Louis for not being there for him. "I wish I could've seen it all along" stands as a mirror to the misunderstanding line. "I'm sorry that I hurt you darling" again for all the pain the lack of communication caused and not being there for Harry. And the rest of Too Young follows this apology theme that answers Boyfriends. The last line of the verse ends with "you, you're back at it again" and means Harry realizes the way the problem keeps coming back and he's just back to crying about it without solving it. (3)

Next verse goes "weekend, when you get deep in" could talk about how they both aren't working at the end of the week and Harry has time to get lost in his thoughts ( reminds me of "harry you're no good alone" from As It Was). "He starts secretly drinking, it gets hard to know what he's thinking" = Louis drinking with his lad friends where he's able to vent about their problems, but Harry wouldn't know about what they're saying because Louis doesn't vent to him. "You love a fool who knows how to get under your skin" Harry lamenting that Louis isn't open about their problems and goes to talk to others instead of trying to solve it themselves (Imo Defenceless tells Louis side of the story to Boyfriends with nod to "sleeping on our problems like we'll solve them in our dreams" and feeling shut out by Harry too). "You, you, you still open the door" when Louis comes home yet still not talking about their problems and it eats him inside. Verse 3 goes "you're no closer to him, now you're halfway home, only calling you in, don't wanna be alone, no and you go, why? You don't know". Again the theme of Harry not wanting to be alone, yet not feeling close to Louis, and questioning why he still goes through with it. Harry also sings is as "half way home" like the space in between that's just like the song Louis registered. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis Half Way Home song will have the miscommunication theme too. Verse 4: "Boyfriends, are they just pretending? They don't tell you where it's heading" and this reads like Harry feels as if Louis is just pretending to care for him at that point, and questions what's going to happen to their relationship. "And you know the games never ending, you, you lay with him as you stay in a daydream" and time for a "she" throwback! At this point everyone must know that She is all about Harry's gender journey. "She lives in daydreams with me" is a clear reference to this daydream line. Harry truly feels himself in those daydreams that Louis doesn't know about. And someone might listen to "boyfriends" and think "well why doesn't Harry just tell him?". If it was only so simple. Harry being trans could have made him scared of what that meant for his relationship with Louis. Would Louis break up with him? Would he look at him different? Would he not support him? Again this is the love of his life since he was 16. It can be incredibly scary to think Louis would leave him because he found his true self. It's very clear that Harry tends to think of worst case scenarios when he's hurting, and the fact he couldn't talk with Louis openly added onto those fears. They were already having problems because of what their closet put them through, so imagine Harry thinking it would be worse with a gender crisis. That's why he tells himself in the mirror "you're a fool, you're back at it again". It becomes a cycle of hurt once again as long as they don't talk. (4)

So now as this essay comes to an end, someone might ask "well who is to blame for their problems?". Let us not forget the real villain of the story: homophobia. The closet due to this gave them their biggest problems, and we can't even begin to cover what the homophobic world has done to gays mental health. Also Simon Cowell can burn. Now as for Harry and Louis? I think they both realized how bad their communication was and were able to solve it with each other. Louis tried to keep them happy in their closet by not talking about their problems caused by it, and while it was with good intentions, it ended up leaving Harry alone to deal with his gender identity. Harry's gender journey ended up (to no one's surprise) being fully supported by Louis once he knew, and it ended up making their relationship stronger. I believe Lights Up was born right after this, with the themes of "never going back" and the questions of "do you know who you are?" recurring about identity and feeling joy about finding yourself. It fills me with joy to know that Harry has a partner in Louis that loves him truly and was able to give him so much support over the years (that is obviously reciprocal you heathen rads). I truly believe Harry wouldn't be here without Louis. They are it for each other and always have been. So thank you Louis Tomlinson for being the partner all of us trans folk would want in our lives someday. No wonder H is so much in love with you.

[a-dragons-journal]

i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen

Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.

I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.

The short version:

Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).

What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”

There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))

An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:

Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.

Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.

Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!

They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”

(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)

...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”

I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.

(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)

(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)

The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:

Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).

And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.

That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.

Thus we come to the second half of our story.

It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.

Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).

It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.

Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.

That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).

......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.

(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)

[closet-begone]

Hi. I'll take your offer for advice (if this is how you do it).

When I was little (like six to eleven) I felt like I was part (masc) girl, part (masc) boy. Now that I'm an adult I'm pretty sure that I'm demiboy or some other for of transmasc identity (i use demiboy).

I just wanted to ask if that's ok. My mom made me regret ever telling her because she treats it like a proof that I'm not trans. I always just ignored that I have a chest before and tried ignoring dysphoria because she told me that it would pass and was normal.

Thank you in advanced for any help. My name is Ben.

Of course that’s okay! You can ID as whatever you want to be. Your gender identity can change. It’s okay to feel like you’re one thing for a long time and then finally realize you’re another. I (currently demiboy, he/they) identified as a demigirl and then just a girl for a long time. But your identity can change just like anything else can.

That type of dysphoria isn’t normal for cis people. And it’s not “proof that you’re not trans.” We’re all different, with different experiences. Something I��ve heard a lot is to focus on the euphoria instead. Don’t think you need dysphoria to be trans. Focus on the way it makes you happy to hear your preferred name and pronouns. Cis people definitely don’t experience that.

[sissytobitch10seconds]

The Skirt

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Summary: Denki wears a skirt in front of her classmates for the first time. Warnings: Coming out, genderfluid character Word Count: 1,796 Ships: Kamanari Denki/Sero Hanta

Archive link!

“You can do this, you can do this,” she chanted to herself over and over again. Despite the affirming words, her hands hovered over the handle to the door. She could do it, she could leave her room and go downstairs. It wouldn’t be any different than it had been the other dozens of times that she had done it. 

“Except this time it’ll be completely different,” she removed her hand from the doorknob completely and sat down heavily on her bed. “Everything’ll be different.”

Panic began to creep up from her stomach and sit heavily in her chest. She ran a hand shakily through her hair, though she was careful to avoid the cute clips that she had worked so hard to get into her hair in a way that didn’t look stupid. A couple more deep breaths had the panic simmering back down for the time being. She could tell that it was there, resting in the background and waiting to spring back up and choke her at any moment, but it was dormant for now.

“Come on, you’ve been female for a week now. You can wear a skirt in front of your classmates and ask to be called your proper pronouns,” she encouraged herself. “Kyouka promised that she’d be there for you if things go badly anyway. You can do this. It won’t be like last time. They’re heroes, they’re not going to be transphobic.”

The other voice in the back of her mind, the one that had stopped her from doing this up until now, spoke up again. It reminded her that genderfluidity wasn’t really accepted as an identity by quite a lot of queer people, and that it was a burden to ask people to remember the correct pronouns when they changed so often.

She didn’t get much of a chance to mull that over as someone knocked on the door. She sat upright as panic fluttered throughout her again, but it quickly settled down as she heard the voice of her childhood friend. “Hey, you missed breakfast. I’m heading to class now, but I’m going to force a granola bar into you during break,” she promised. 

The other teenager heard Kyouka’s hurried footsteps as her childhood friend left to go to class. Denki let out a small hiss. She was hoping that she would have been able to get some of the reaction out of the way before class started, but she had waited too long and now everyone would see her at the same time.

She stood up, a fierce determination taking over her. She flung the door to her room open and fled down the hall after making sure it was securely latched. She was going to do this, she wouldn’t chicken out. She had Kyouka by her side, and she logically couldn’t be the only trans or queer person at this school. Hopefully whoever the other queer people were would recognize that her gender and feelings were real and back her up. If they didn’t at least she had Kyouka.

The trip across the campus was quick and painless. There were very few people traveling over the green or on any of the sidewalks, and those that were didn’t recognize her and she didn’t recognize them. The nervousness that she had been feeling all morning returned to her when she reached the door. She puffed up her chest, smiling slightly as the shirt hung over her differently, giving her the illusion of being physically female like she wished she could be at the moment.

The euphoria of looking like the gender she currently was inside let her open the door and she quickly walked inside. She could feel the eyes of her classmates following her, though there were still the normal speckled conversations that usually took place before their teacher woke up and began classes.

She sat down at her desk, placing her bag next to her. Panic was heavy in her chest but she was doing her best to keep it down and away from the surface. She was doing something that scared the shit out of her, and she couldn’t let them see weakness like she had done in middle school.

Nobody said anything, though more and more of the conversations were dying down as people realized that something was up. Soon she had nearly every single person looking at her, and it was really beginning to get to her. She shifted awkwardly, staring down at her lap. Her nervous mannerisms began to pick up and she started to brush her hands over her skirt and fiddle with the loose strings of her button up shirt.

“Uh, Denki?” someone finally spoke up.

The blond responded by snapping her head up and looking directly at who had spoken. Mina was sitting closest to her and had apparently been the one to finish reeling first too.

“Are you wearing a skirt?” Izuku asked from the other side of the room.

The blond shifted again, swallowing down nothing as she tried to dampen her nerves. She caught the confident smile that Kyouka was wearing and then nodded. “Yeah, I am. I’m wearing makeup too.”

“Why?” Hitoshi asked. 

“If my boyfriend wants to wear a skirt and makeup then he can, whenever he wants to,” Hanta said from behind Denki, immediately getting defensive of her.

Dysphoria flared up in her again as she shifted in her seat. “Actually, um, I’m wearing makeup and a skirt today because I’m a girl.”

“You are?” Hanta asked, blinking. He then panicked, “Not that that’s a bad thing! I just wasn’t expecting it. I still want to be here for you if you need me.”

“Well, I’m not a girl all the time,” the blond got out before any more of the chaos in the classroom could unfold. “I just… I’m genderfluid. It means that I feel like my gender changes. Sometimes I feel like both, sometimes I feel like neither, sometimes I feel female, sometimes I feel male. I know it’s kind of an annoying thing, so I’m not going to ask any of you to change pronouns all the time, but I just want to be myself.”

“Nonsense,” Tenya called over the top of the clamoring of voices from some of the students. “Everyone will respect Denki’s pronouns no matter how often they change, and if you don’t I have some firm words for you.”

“Yeah, same! Disrespect my friend and you and I are going to have a problem,” Eijirou called. “Transphobia is so unmanly!”

To her surprise, the next person from her friend group to speak up was Katsuki. “More than a problem. You might not live to see your birthday if you decide to disrespect her. Got it, you bunch of losers?”

“None of us want to disrespect her, Kacchan!” Izuku called, having become a lot more outward now that he was comfortable around the rest of the class. There were a couple of crows in agreement, before the conversations began to pick back up and people returned to what they were doing.

Momo was up from her chair and gathering Denki up in a hug. “Thank you for coming out to us, it means a lot. I have a couple tips and tricks for this kind of dysphoria if you ever want to spend some time together,” she beamed.

“Ooh! We should invite her to girl’s night on the weeks that she’s feeling like a girl!” Tooru clapped her hands together in excitement.

“Yeah, we could do your hair and paint your nails!” Ochako chimed in, looking just as giddy and excited. “I bet that you could give us some tips on eyeshadow too, you look really good today.”

“Thanks. I used to do it on my sisters and I guess I just got really good over time,” she flushed and rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. 

Tsuyu was the next one to speak. “Also, you don’t have to be female to come to girl’s night. You can be nonbinary or agender like me and still show up. It’s mostly just for us to do girly stuff like gossip and paint each other’s nails.”

“That sounds really nice,” she grinned. “I’m pretty good at painting nails and braiding hair.”

“This is going to be so much fun!” Mina grinned. “You and I have to go shopping the next time that we get a weekend outside of school. I want to have a fashion show with you.”

“Kyouka already took me shopping when I was in middle school, I’ve got some feminine clothes. And it’s not like I have much of an allowance to spend,” she shrugged awkwardly.

The pink teenager rolled her eyes. “My dads spoil me with a big allowance, and I’m sure that they’d be more than willing to help if I told them that it was to get clothes so that you would feel more comfortable!”

“Yeah, okay,” she nodded finally after a moment of deliberation. Mina quickly got caught up in a conversation with Tooru across the aisle about which shops that they should bring their new feminine friend to.

Denki jumped as she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see her boyfriend sitting there with that stupid smile that he always got when he was looking at her. “Hey,” she whispered. “I hope that this isn’t too weird for you. And that you’re not mad I didn’t come out to you first.”

“It’s okay,” Hanta shook his head. “I now that coming out can be really difficult. It took me three years just to be able to tell my parents that I was questioning my sexuality, and even longer to admit to them that I was bi.”

She reached out to grasp the hand that was resting on his desk, threading their fingers together. “I just wanted to get it all done and out of the way at once. Coming out is so hard, so I wanted to do it once instead of half a dozen times.”

“I get that. Thanks for sharing this with us. I’ll try my best to remember your pronouns and change around some of the pet names that I use for you,” he brightened up. “Does this mean that I can finally experiment around with some of the girly ones?”

She laughed, “Yeah, it does.”

“Awesome,” he beamed, leaning across the desk to gently give her a kiss on her lips.

“I love you so much,” she giggled. “Thank you for being so supportive of me.”

“Of course. What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I wasn’t supportive?” Hanta snorted. His face softened and he rubbed the back of her knuckles with his thumb. “I love you too.”

[trans-advice]

How do I respond to people who dismiss noun pronouns? They claim people doing it in other languages besides English make sense like combos of he/she pronouns, like when English uses hir as a combo of her/him or xe instead of he which is sensible, not completely different words like "bug". They say French and other languages never make random word pronouns, they all have a base in pronouns already, there's no French people making verb/adjective pronouns (since nouns have gender).

Firstly, the MOGAI are valid. Secondly, a lot of the gender terminology is developed by the youth because our community doesn't have as much power to pass down traditions to the younger generations thru vertical identity because what gender identity & sexuality you are is different from your parents, and parents currently have a lot of sway over the lives of kids they call their children.

On top of that, due to pericispatriarchal control over institutions, it took from 1st wave feminism thru the 1970s to finally defeat the myth of "generic he". We are still dealing with discrimination problems related to that. This lead to a centuries long tradition of coining pronouns, until enough queer power was organized & mobilized to get linguists & grammarians to not only accept english as english instead of inferior to latin or whatever, but to then recognize that in English we've already been using singular they. Dennis Baron's "What's Your Pronouns?" details this english-language history awesomely & I could get you a link to a copy if you want, though I'd prefer to do it DM to avoid anti-pirates interfering with it.

So firstly, within that framework of people expressing various statuses of their gender identities is that we assume the gender identities can change, but we can't control them ourselves. Therefore, gender identities can & do function as bookmarks for the questioning, at least for some of the people who identify as such.

So, the reason why we have these pronouns be related to aesthetics that might seem to have nothing to do with gender, is partly because trying different pronouns provides a way to experiment with one's gender & it's relatively easy to do by text messages (which is partly how emoji pronouns have found support).

Like around say 2016, gender terms related to stars & plants & weather & other various things were given there own labels, flags, etc. So making these into pronouns seems to be a version of that. So yeah, while it doesn't exactly translate into a language where there's noun classes attached to the gender perceptions, identities, roles, that's how it seems to be used.

And as it applies to people questioning whether they're a binary gender identity (perhaps among other identities), a gist is that we currently have several different standards of stereotypes for those genders & they interact differently or similar with different objects, different aesthetics, and therefore can be an interesting way to experiment, though that can end. However because there are already so many different competiting standards for the binary genders, that's not as reliable in my own past experience as a trans woman questioning how I could fit in the world when I was younger. This is probably where terms like alignment systems come into play.

The other thing to note is that for the experiments it allows people to associate a gender with those words, and somewhat preserve their privacy about what gender they're considering.

Other times, it has to do with movement or stability of the feelings, such as (dysphoria, euphoria, certainty, and doubt) one is having regarding the status of their identity. A subset of these are neurogenders where mental conditions affect the way you're able to process identity. In my experience, the medical trauma from my mental conditions is why I'm afraid to do a medical transition even though I would've jumped at the chance when I was a kid & teen.

If I didn't answer you question, then feel free to clarify via the asks or such.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[monster-noises]

under a cut cause Idk how long this is gunna be... (hint... it’s Long) CW: confusing trans stuff, surgery mention,  there’s nothin graphic and it doesn’t get Too Heavy so don’t worry

I have such a.. weird relationship with my body and my gender and change and I am so frustrated with it right now...

In case you hadn’t.. guessed from my highly unspecific cryptic references over the last few days I was just lucky enough have had top surgery on the 10th, which is something I’ve been waiting five years for and I’m so relieved it’s finally happened at least theoretically my real emotions are much more complicated and far less... elated I don’t like change, especially sudden, abrupt, change. It’s not fun, it’s hard to process, and it’s always incredibly stressful. And top surgery is a Big Permanent change to my Permanent Singular Human Body. I can’t go back now, my bodies now different than it has been from the body it was for over a decade. All familiarity with it stops here and needs to be rebuilt from 0. And my brain doesn’t care if it /knows/ it’s the right decision for my happiness long term or my quality of life, that’s!!!! too much!!! it’s too much!! I can feel nothing but looming distress and dizzying discomfort! I had.. similar fears and worries about regret and dissatisfaction just before going on T. I was /terrified/ it wasn’t going to be the right choice for me, the shaky impermanence of my identity up to that point made me worried I would start T and “phase out” of “being trans” and it would be too late (turns out, a shaky impermanent sense of identity is a symptom of being Trans and not out to yourself, who woulda’ guessed?) I would have changed (read: damage) what,at the time, was a perfectly reasonable body and I wouldn’t be able to go back. Five years on those fears seem Ridiculous, I was miserable, I was uncomfortable in my body and could not relate to it at all! And now I’m able to feel (somewhat shaky, but definitely much more present) confidence in my appearance, and the face in the mirror gets less and less foreign as that chasm that so long separated me from myself grows smaller and shallower. But I had five years to slowly adjust to the changes brought on by T as they appeared one, maybe two at a time. And only in the last year or two have they really settled into a human vision that I can call “The person I thought I would become as a child” Top surgery is much more...immediate There is not years-long period of slow steady changes until one day you look in the mirror and realize “Oh.. when did he finally get here?” it’s rapid, and all at once, one day that changes everything in a small two hour window. So suffice to say... my brain is not Elated, or relieved, or excited, or euphoric, or any of the other emotions people relate to their top surgery. Instead  have a mundane toiling knot in my gut that I’ve somehow done something very wrong. I remind myself I haven’t, I remind myself of all the things I’ll finally be able to do, the things I’ll be able to feel comfortable doing again, the ways it will make my life easier, that last tiny leap across the crack in the earth to join my body and my person, and I remind myself that “The way things have always been, they were fine, you were fine, you didn’t need this” is completely untrue, and is something we will see stronger in retrospect than we do now. I still can’t shake it though. The damnable feeling that something has gone wrong. I think that has a lot to do with my issues with change but also the fact that there is a long drawn out recovery process that has so far proven to be uncomfortable and miserable does not make the awaited feelings of gender euphoria come any faster. I think once this fucking binder is off, I don’t have tape and gauze all over my chest, I don’t have to sleep on my back and grit my teeth through the ensuing back and hip pain, and I can just live and get used to things being the Way They Are Now, the euphoria will come, just as it did with T, or when I cut my hair, or changed my name and pronouns, those thoughts of “But things are fine, sure it’s uncomfortable sometimes but you don’t /need/ to change” will be replaced with “you made the right choice, you chose to live” but I’m not there yet and if I’m being honest with where I am right now I’m.... kinda miserable in a very different way than the subtle pervasive misery of my specific experience with dysphoria but none the less I’m not... happy not yet I think I need to mourn? is that... would that be accurate? do you mourn the loss of something you didn’t want? that you distinctly felt as your body betraying you when they first appeared? that you wished you wouldn’t get, that maybe you’d be the exception and you wouldn’t have to deal with? (all very real thoughts I had as a 9 year old going shopping for a training bra) can you.. mourn that? I wish I could just.. have the text book experience, wake up post surgery and cry tears of joy and relief. say “yes please” when the nurse asks me if I want to see my chest for the first time and grin at the new beautiful home that’s been crafted for me. Feel giddy and euphoric and proud as I go through the healing process, answer every “how do you feel?” from caring friends and relatives with an earnest “fantastic!” but instead I have a quiet murmured “not yet” to a now slightly confused nurse, no smiles, no big celebrations, an ever building tension about the final reveal, feigned enthusiasm when responding to the texts and phone calls (though I don’t have the feign too much, I can be truly enthusiastic about the fact I am in almost no pain, which has been brilliant, thank you body, for that at least). A disjointed experience that I don’t understand. It’s all very... isolating. And I feel like I can’t talk about it because it’s not dripping with the expected celebratory tones, it’s not even like... just a quieter experience, it’s genuinely kinda sad. And how do you talk about that? how do you expect people to react to that? “Hey everyone! I got this thing I’ve been waiting over half a decade for at long last! but I feel like shit about it right now! come back in 2-4 months when I’ll have settled into it and we can celebrate then!” That’s a great way to invite people to try and talk to you about things that they don’t understand and you don’t know you can explain even to people who Might. I’m worried about my final reaction to the big reveal, which will probably be tomorrow as I take the binder off to wash myself as best I can without gettin’ the gauze wet. I have a feeling I’m not going to react at all, I’ve never been one for big emotional reactions even without all the weird other shit going on, but I would like to feel... something. Ideal, some kind of joy, okay.. maybe only some kinda joy, I think breaking down crying would suck pretty bad. Regardless, I’m not looking forward to my big reveal moment reaction being a Neutral Head Nod. At least I won’t have to perform it for anyone. Being trans is weird and hard and I want to crawl into a cocoon for the next six weeks please and thank you.

[nevergenders]

hi! sorry i didn’t realize you answered haha 😅 i’ve been having moments where i get like... very jealous of guys just for being guys and i feel like i should’ve been born like them. i’ve felt a little uncomfy being perceived as female for a while and i’ve felt a little... unaligned with it but i’ve never thought i could be trans. i have body dysmorphia so i can’t really tell if it’s because i despise my body. & i also kind of think maybe it could be because of feeling vulnerable as a woman? :(

“tumblr should add more space for asks omg!!!! anyway i was going to say,  i don’t think i’d ever  want to fully transition even if i do start presenting as a male, i’m mostly comfortable with my “parts” but the rest is just djsjdnsns lol. I’ve been serious considering a breast reduction for a long time because i’ve always hated them (they’re... small but i wish they were way smaller😅) so all around i’m just like FHSJFN what’s going ooooonnnn”

ohhh you sound a LOT like me when i started questioning in a few places here haha. gender envy is totally a thing among trans people, i know more than a couple people who saw gerard way and went “WHY CANT THAT BE ME” and then realized they were trans. i had a similar experience with gerard (and i still get that way sometimes about like,, late-scene cody carson,,,,). i think my final gender breakthrough happened when i turned into a mitch grassi stan because i was like “oh.... it is okay to be a feminine guy but with some mysterious gender business going on behind the scenes....” but that’s just me!

i’ve had a few moments where i was concerned if my body dysmorphia and dysphoria were connected, but i don’t experience dysmorphia anymore. it’s a tough balance to figure out. i also think a big reason i’m uncomfortable with my chest is because of how how much it’s sexualized in the media. i started off wanting just a reduction for a long time, but as my journey went a long i realized i’d be more comfortable with top surgery instead. i’m not saying this is what you’ll feel but just keep in mind that the more you explore the more things you’ll discover!

here’s another thing a lot of newly-questioning people don’t really realize - your gender is about you, not the label, or the standards that come along with them. if you don’t want surgery, then that’s your decision, and it’s what you’re most comfortable with. transitioning isn’t about conforming to a societal standard, it’s for your own personal comfort with yourself.

if you want me to tell you what your gender is, well i can’t actually tell you what you are but i can give you some avenues for exploration. i think it’s worth looking into nonbinary gender identities as well as just considering how “i’m a guy” feels, personally i really like the word “demiboy” to refer to myself but i also use that word with a noncommittal hand gesture. you can also try out just saying “i’m boy!” to yourself for a while and see how it feels.

another thing to keep in mind is that your gender presentation, aka your appearance and what makes you feel comfortable in that sense, doesn’t have to match your identity. i consider myself to be like “boy but slightly to the left with some slight fluidity” but my ideal gender presentation fluctuates between “boyish” and “completely androgynous but more feminine clothing.”

obviously, there are a lot of things to consider here in regards to gender, which is part of why my gender exploration journey took me like three years and a lot of self-pressure because i just wanted to be comfortable in my identity and it was killing me how complicated it was. the realization comes fast for some people and a lot more slowly for others; don’t pressure yourself to figure it out all at once; feel it out, explore with people you trust to see if you’re comfortable with specific pronouns/names, and allow the gender envy to happen (and maybe have fun copying those people hehe). oh also! gender euphoria is a thing too! when you’re happy with how you look and it Feels Gud!

anyways, i hope this helped, if you have more specific questions or would like any clarification i’m always here! and sorry if this was confusing haha

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

A PSA ON MY PERSONAL JULES VAUGHN OPINION:

Since everyone in the euphoria fandom seems to have differing sometimes extreme views on Jules (particularly her affect on Rue’s mental health, as well as her messy feelings around both Rue and Anna). I thought I’d make a bb thread on my take of what we’ve seen of Jules this season. Keep reading for some spoliers.

Jules & The War With Conquering Femininity

since episode one jules entered as a very dynamic character, everything from her distinguished wardrobe gives her an almost commanding presence despite the innate softness she carries. Nate himself deciding to corner her publicly at a party explicitly saying “nobody that looks like you is minding their own fucking business” while getting up in her face. Jules grabs a kitchen knife before threatening Nate asking “do you want to fucking hurt me?” before she cuts her arm and holds it up almost like a flag? and declares “she’s fucking invincible.” with Nates fathers tapes at home, Nate has grown up with all the values of toxic masculinity engraved in him since birth, which definitely showed itself when he threatened to have her done for child pornography not long after cat fishing her all because she rejected him (MADDY S2 GIRL PLEASE)

Jules was initially falling for Nate as he catfished her, and one night getting particularly intoxicated she hallucinates Nate and her having violent sex with him in which she is in charge. This counters all of her assumed very concerning risqué hookups with older men, in which she is usually more submissive. In one episode she states “it’s like if I can conquer men I can conquer feminity.” Being sent to mental hospital temporarily at a young age for self harm and severe depression likely linked to her experiences of gender dysphoria before and after transitioning, it makes sense that through these unsafe hookups Jules is getting affirmation about her place in the world and in her own body when you take this into account. This also seems to put a hurdle in the road when it comes to her exploring her own queerness, which she begins to do at later episodes particularly one sexual experience with Anna in which she hallucinates Rue a fair portion of the time even saying “you remind me of my best friend” before they hooked up.

Rules relationship/mental health

Rue and Jules met after the initial party at you guessed it (another party, y’all I swear euphoria teens get out way more often then actual humans right? maybe I’m just sad-). Rue patched up Jules’ wound and they got high together , their faces covered in glitter and they dreamily gaze at each other in a tent. They are every arm linked never one without the other best friend pair in a matter of days, Rue herself becoming noticeably jealous when Jules was still invested in ‘Tyler’ the false persona Nate crafted in order to attract Jules online who to him is the ideal example of feminity according to his psychotic lengthy checklist (see below).

After nearly seeing Rue overdose on fentanyl Jules is noticeably distraught and just manages to croak out that she’s “experienced enough traumatic shit in her life.” and “isn’t trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themself”. she tells Rue she doesn’t want to be around her unless she stops using, and Rue agrees too quickly for an addict. Too desperately, so much so that her attachment to Jules is even compared to her addiction Rue saying “nothing on planet earth comes close to fentanyl, except Jules.” who is apparently a ‘close second’. and then they’re everywhere in smudged liquid liner on bikes, tucking each other’s hair behind their ears and coyly smiling while gays everywhere crow and wonder if they’re truly just friends.

poor mental health in general can make even small tasks or everyday life things feel like an overstimulation, Jules and Rue separately have and still do bear the weight of repressed sexuality/gender expression, addiction issues, manic and depressive episodes, self harm and more. when you add things like catfishing, toxic masculinity, teenage insecurity and puppy dog eye teen love feelings often get heightened and any negative experience can be rapidly blown out of proportion. It’s no secret euphoria is a show of extremes, as are all teenagers especially those struggling outside of growing up already. when rue gets caught up in a moment and kisses Jules who seems unsure how to respond, she finds herself moments later pounding her dealers door begging for anything to take her mind off of the present moment. Jules also finds herself getting uncharacteristically drunk on the Halloween episode at a party, just after dodging rues second attempt of a kiss. While intoxicated she kisses rue underwater, leaving rue confused and feeling completely used. It’s entirely possible Jules needed liquid courage to actually take the plunge, remember she isn’t used to any kind of equal relationship.

they finally mutually kiss sober in collapse of sliding memories of the early friendship, most of which they are intertwined in bed. they both frequently tell each other that they look “fucking amazing” and even get matching lip tattoos of enneagram of their names ‘rules’. To me Rue seems like every textbook teenager smitten, on edge and bashful around Jules seen when she asks her for dinner per her mums requests. They are everything we feel and see and experience in school hallways and night streets and body odour reeking school cafeterias, the innocent lack of subtlety and pure comfort. however they come with a side mix of intoxication, mental illness, personal identity issues and themes of codependency (per the rues sobriety ultimatum and rues repition of affirming “Jules is the best thing that’s happened to her in so long”.

with Lexi and others frequently commenting and or that alluding that Jules is responsible for Rue’s sobriety, Jules starts to visibly panic. her eyeliner becomes harsher and more ethereal yet at the same time more cutting around the time she starts to push herself away from Rue (a decision said to be deliberate by the makeup artist). Rue asks to go home with her one night to which Jules hesitantly agrees instead of declining, from Jules’ perspective it’s abundantly clear she’s feeling the pressure of keeping her ¿girlfriend'¿ alive. that impending guilt she’s feeling because she knows inevitably she will likely hurt rue somehow whether they drift apart, etc to me it’s clear she’s ready to run away from her unsaid role of caregiver.

rue asks Jules if she wants to just pack up and leave and live in the city with her soon after she confesses to being in love with both Anna and her. Whether this was an impulsive attempt at getting ins first by rue or just a testament of how much Jules’ could dictate her life. Rue begins having second thoughts and Jules ends up tearfully leaving on the train without her. so why the fuck did she leave then? the pressure? the crazy ass town? the love she didn’t want to fuck up? or did she just want someone who would get on the train for her? many questions, probably more than one answer. this scene aside jules remains my favourite, and I’m still needing a hug from her 🥺

Conclusion of S1 Jules Vaughn =

I personally believe Rue gets more understanding for her complex character as opposed to Jules, who actively struggled with her gender expression and navogating her own likes and needs while trying to engage in an intense level relationship with somebody who has self destructive tendencies has made some mistakes in said relationship. Similarly so has rue, because it’s too fucking easy to accidentally cross toxic borders in relationships. I believe that if pray hope Jules returns from the city it’s in an extended time, when both her and rue have had the hours and minutes they need to grow and understand their own afflictions more. Ultimately Jules is just trying to decipher her own feelings for rue still, the hookup with Anna was all part of addressing that. Ultimately Jules is still trying to decipher her feelings, but for me she’s the most relatable three dimensional character to be shown on television. perfectly capturing the beautiful messiness in maturing, and the naivety in love and heartbreak.

[transadvice]

i have extreme gender dysphoria - like i really hate my lower half and when i think about what i want there to be instead i’d rather look like a doll that has absolutely nothing there but if it’s vagina or penis i’d take the penis - but i’m completely fine presenting femininely, i don’t always hate my boobs but want them to be smaller. so i just don’t know if i’m trans, non binary or if i’m just going through something all girls go through? any thoughts?

No, this is not something that all girls go through. What you describe sounds like genital dysphoria. In fact, you say yourself that you have extreme gender dysphoria. Cis girls don't have extreme gender dysphoria. "I'm fine as I am, but if somebody OFFERED me a penis, I'd take it" - "I'm not going to go out of my WAY or anything, but if I had the CHANCE to push a button and magically switch genders, sure I'd push it" - oh how I recognize this line of thought. This is a way that people like us, who grow up believing that our wants and needs are unreasonable and impossible, who feel that we ought to always be agreeable and low-maintenance and small, express our deepest and scariest desires. This is a light and breezy cry for help. The problem is, nobody is going to offer us a shot at transition, like passing the cookies at a party. We have to TAKE IT. You don't need to have every kind of dysphoria in order to identify as trans, or seek the transition steps you want/need. You can have genital dysphoria and not have chest dysphoria (though, tbh, it sounds like you have at least some chest dysphoria). You can have physical dysphoria and not have social dysphoria. You can have any level of dysphoria and still not be a binary man. You can be nonbinary and seek some level of transition. You can have ANY gender/identity label and present femme. You have a world of infinite options, and you don't need to have everything line up in the same direction. Take all the time you need to explore your gender, in its infinite variety. This can be a joyful process! See what gives you euphoria. There's no time limit and no final exam. You can also take steps, right now, to alleviate the dysphoria you do have; you don't need to figure out your label first. If you haven't tried packing, I would recommend that for you, as it can help a lot with genital dysphoria. I know you say you'd rather be smooth down there, but it could be that you enjoy having the heft of a (prosthetic) penis there once you give it a try. Or maybe there's another way for you to alleviate your dysphoria that I haven't thought of! Getting involved in online or real-life communities of trans and nonbinary folks can help generate ideas. If you're comfortable presenting feminine, you can still do that even while packing and/or binding. Or you can mix/match masc and fem and androgynous signifiers. An important "aha" moment for me involved switching from "girl femme" (e.g. a pretty pink dress) to "boy femme" (e.g. a pretty pink floral shirt from the men's department). As you learn more about what you do and don't like, what gives your euphoria and what worsens your dysphoria, you can gather the information you need to inform your label, your self-concept, and your future transition plans. Journaling can help a lot here! So can talk therapy; and so can books, such as "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Hoffman-Fox or "My Gender Workbook" by Kate Bornstein. Whatever method works for you.Best of luck in your explorations!

[mothmansboyfriend]

Hey Long Post Coming Up

Hello I’d just like to say that every fucking day I’m grateful that I somehow managed to not interact with any truscum/transmeds (or anti-mogai) or even see their shitty posts from ages 14 to 16 because those were my crucial years in figuring out my gender identity.

I began questioning my gender in 7th grade, but I ignored it and instead thought I was just a lesbian. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t do the cutesy send-a-note-to-your-crush-and-“date” thing middle schoolers do. I felt like the way I was was lying to boys, so I assumed that meant I didn’t like them.

One amazing thing that happened that year was my first major hair cut. My mom had always made me keep my hair down to my waist, and the summer before 8th grade my mom finally let me get it cut to my chest. I was elated to have shorter hair! It wasn’t as short as I wanted it, but it was something.

In 8th grade I went back to calling myself straight in my head. I stopped liking the word lesbian to describe myself. I didn’t know why, I didn’t tell anyone. I switched schools 2 months into that year, and met one of my best friends on this Earth. The term pansexual was introduced to me. I was ecstatic, although I didn’t really start using the word to describe myself until a few months later. A word that meant you liked someone no matter what their gender was. I loved everything about it.

That year I started asking my friends to call me Jinx. It started as a nickname, and turned into the name they used to introduce me to their parents. I’d always hated my birth name, ever since I was 6 or 7. I hated classes where roll was called, because I’d have to hear other people say it. I was pan, my name was Jinx, I was a girl, and I still wasn’t happy.

In 9th grade, I wore dresses and skirts more than I ever had before. I was allowed to wear makeup, something I’d been expressly told I was too young for the year before. I dated my best friend, came out to my parents as pan when they saw us holding hands on Halloween. We broke up after 6 months bc we didn’t really have any reason to date in the first place. It finally clicked for me what the word transgender was. Somehow I’d only ever heard it in a vague context on tv. I did nothing with this information.

Finally in 10th grade, huzzah!! I found a word I identified with! I told my friends I was genderfluid, used he/him, they/them, and she/her on different days. Some friends had still been calling me my birth name, and I requested that they only used Jinx on she/her days and Jack on any other day. I wore dresses more confidently, because I felt comfortable with myself and who I was.

I came out to my parents, and they told me I was ridiculous. They said I was a girl seeking attention, and that people didn’t have to participate in asking what my pronouns were, or even using them.

Keep in mind I didn’t really struggle with dysphoria. I wanted shorter hair, and for people to respect my pronouns. That’s it.

Two thirds through the year I decided I wanted a binder. Boys had flat chests, and I felt more like a boy most days, I wanted a flat chest. I bought a binder with my own money. My parents took it, told me I was going to destroy my body and regret it when I changed my mind. The only support I had was from my friends at school and online.

Imagine if I didn’t have that. Imagine if my friends online told me I couldn’t be trans or genderfluid because I didn’t have enough dysphoria. That I couldn’t be trans at all because I hadn’t hated my body since I was a toddler. That I couldn’t be trans because sometimes I was happy with my body and the way I was shaped. Imagine if other trans people told me everything my cis family did.

My dysphoria appeared and got much worse AFTER I experienced gender euphoria in the summer before 11th grade, when I realized I was a trans boy. I threw out all my dresses and skirts, and suddenly it wasn’t so hard for my parents to “participate” in calling me by he/him pronouns.

All I needed was support and time. That’s all I needed to become confident with my gender identity.

TL;DR: You don’t need dysphoria to be trans and if trans people had told me otherwise I’d still think I’m cis and I’d be fucking dead.

(This is okay and encouraged to reblog)

[too-spicy-and-too-queer]

Discovering the aromantic community and accepting my queerness

Discovering the aromantic community on tumblr and Discord has literally been a life-changing experience for me because it’s the first queer community that has unconditionally accepted and uplifted me.  I realized some time in my teens that I’m queer, but it wasn’t until much later that I was able to accept that myself, and even later than that before I found acceptance in queer communities.

I always knew that I’m nonbinary.  Of course, I didn’t have any words for it.  I just knew I wasn’t like other boys.  A lot of the socialization that boys get just didn’t stick to me.  All the masculine validation that boys give each other made me feel gross.  But when I tried to come out, while people weren’t hostile, they weren’t supportive, either.  (Plenty of people I never tried to come out to were quite hostile towards me, but I’m not talking about them in this post.)  Even the queer people I knew just responded to my description of my feelings with “well that’s weird” or “I’ve never heard anyone say that before.”  I didn’t feel like I had any place in the queer youth communities of the 1990s, even though they never outright rejected me.  There just wasn’t anyone else like me in those communities.  And I thought that meant there wasn’t anyone else like me in the whole world.

So I gave up.  For the next decade, I just assumed I wasn’t actually queer, just a straight guy who felt a little queer-ish.  But the feelings never went away.  I still felt gross when people tried to validate me in masculine ways.  I still struggled in romantic relationships with repulsion and confusion.  But I didn’t identify with any of the cis gay or binary trans people I knew, either.  So I just thought I was broken, that I didn’t understand myself or how to be intimate with others.  My self-esteem plummeted.  I doubted all my judgments.  I hurt people out of confusion and fear.

I finally came out as nonbinary once I discovered genderqueer blogs online.  I felt free to be myself for the first time.  It felt like I had just broken the surface and taken a fresh breath of air after being underwater for far too long.  So, emboldened, I reached out to queer communities IRL again, in the early 2010s.  But yet again, I felt out of place.  Most trans people I met had never heard the words “genderqueer” or “nonbinary” and I was always having to educate people who I thought would be my peers.  Everyone talked almost exclusively about medical transition, body dysphoria, and changing their presentation, things I have little experience with or interest in.  Again, no one ever outright rejected me, but I couldn’t find anyone like me.  Nobody talked about social dysphoria, or gender euphoria, or breaking down the gender binary, or amatonormativity, or relationships that were anything besides a mirror of straight relationships, or really anything else I could strongly relate to, besides being bullied for being queer.  The focus was always on finding a way to pass in the straight world, not on changing the straight world to be more queer.  And I saw the looks of suspicion on some of their faces.  I knew some of them thought I didn’t really belong in their community.

Dealing with this lack of belonging for so long, nearly twenty years, took a tremendous toll on me.  Depression and anxiety became daily burdens.  It was a struggle to even function.  I would fall into despair for months at a time.  I lost jobs, I lost friends.  Some days I couldn’t get out of bed.  I’d recover for a time, but never really felt well.

Finally, after realizing that I’m aromantic, I found these communities.  They accepted me immediately and unconditionally.  There was no suspicion, and there certainly was no unanimous focus on assimilating into straight culture.  And I didn’t have to educate them at all.  They all were aware of my gender identity, and many of them felt similarly!  Instead, they empowered me to learn about myself.  I have grown so much through these conversations, because the aromantic community is nurturing and loving.  My mental health is better now than it has been in nearly a decade, because I finally know there is somewhere that I belong, and that there are people like me who need me in their lives, who need my support and love.  I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in maybe my entire adult life, I have hope that I can be myself and be happy, eventually.  I really believe I would not have been able to start turning my life out of the depressive spiral without the aro community.

This has emboldened me again to seek queer communities IRL, and this time I know what to look for.  I found a nonbinary support group near me, and it has been a different experience this time.  There are even people in it older than me who are supportive and accepting!  That’s a new experience for me.

So I encourage all of you to keep reaching out, too.  There are communities like you, somewhere.  The internet makes it possible for us to connect.  It wasn’t until online queer communities matured that I was able to find anyone like me at all.  But more importantly, learn to be uplifting and nurturing, yourself.  The world needs to be better for queer people, and the only part of the world we truly have any control to change is ourselves.

[good--bye--binary]

They/Them or She/Her

Happy Priiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!! 🌈🏳️‍🌈

I got a couple of pics in before heading out to the Chicago Pride Parade today and even talked my mom into taking a couple selfies with me while we were there!

I’m also in the process of coming out to every person I know that I haven’t yet. Most of these are people that are very important to me, but either I don’t get to see them very often and/or they’re more conservative and not at all educated on LGBTQ issues. To that end, I finally wrote a coming out letter and I thought I’d post it here just in case anyone else wanted to use portions of it! 😁

Dear ________,

In case you didn’t already know, this month is LGBTQ+ Pride Month. Both because of this and, more importantly, because I respect and cherish our relationship, I feel compelled to tell you that I am transgender. Specifically, I am non-binary, genderfluid, and transfeminine (more on all of those terms later). Although I have always questioned my gender, I came out to myself in November of 2016. Now I feel it is the right time for absolutely everyone to know.

I have written, deleted, rewritten, and revised this letter many times over many months because I want it to be as clear as possible. To that end, I thought it best to organize it as a list of questions directed towards myself, questions that I would expect you to have. Of course if you ever want me to explain something more, an answer doesn’t make sense, or you have a question that isn’t on here, PLEASE TALK TO ME. You might find that reading these questions and answers are enough, but if you don’t, I would much rather you talk to me directly rather than speculate, be confused, or turn to the internet which may have misleading or inaccurate information. On this last point, I don’t just mean anti-LGBTQ+ websites and organizations; gender is a very complicated and personal experience, so even pro-LGBTQ+ literature may define or explain terms in ways that are different from how I apply them to my gender experience.

Q1. How do you know/what makes you think you’re transgender? A1. Like almost all LGBTQ+ people will tell you, I always knew I was somehow different from most of the other kids. For me, it was about never feeling completely comfortable or understood by boys and men. For as long as I can remember, I have not only preferred the company of girls and women, but I have never felt “like one of the boys.” My closest friends have always been (and continue to be) women. Even in films, TV shows, video games, novels, and short stories, I almost immediately identify with female characters, but rarely do I do the same with male characters.

Have I been able to “fit in” with boys/men in the past? Yes, of course I have, because society has always suggested that I should and that there would be consequences if I didn’t. Did I enjoy the act of having to hide, censor, and think very deliberately about my behavior so that I wasn’t bullied or seen as weird? Absolutely not. I went to sleepovers at my male friends’ houses in grade school, but I hated them. I would get terrible anxiety as the scheduled day came closer and once I got there, I couldn’t wait for them to be over. I hated “acting like a boy.” It brought me literal pain and discomfort.

These feelings of pain, discomfort, and anxiety are symptoms of what is known as dysphoria. Dysphoria is an experience that nearly all transfolk experience. Euphoria is the feeling that everything is perfect—being in a state of mind that is complete bliss and one that you hope will never end. Dysphoria is the opposite of that. It’s the feeling that everything is wrong—a mental and emotional state of torture that feels like it will swallow you up and crush your spirit forever. When applied to transfolk specifically, dysphoria is what we used to mean when we said things like “I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body” or vice versa. That phrase typically isn’t used any more because it implies that a person is only a man if they have a “male body”/a woman if they have a “female body,” but the intended meaning is the same.

I know that I’m transgender because I experience dysphoria. There are days that I look at myself and I just want to throw up because I don’t feel like I look right from a gender perspective. It feels like I’ve hijacked some other person’s body, like there’s a disconnect between my mind and the person I see in the mirror. Some days I look at my men’s clothes and putting them on feels like putting on clothes made of fire or acid. I see the hair on my legs and I want to rip each and every one of them out. This is dysphoria and it feels terrible.

Q2. What do you do when you feel this way? A2. Before I came out in November of 2016, I just buried it. As a child, I of course had no idea why I felt this way. Not only that, but even in the 1990s society wasn’t ready to talk about gender the way we talk about it now, so the idea of saying I was transgender could never cross my mind because there was next to no representation of transfolk. But now, when my dysphoria hits, I don’t avoid it. I listen to my body, think to myself, “Ok, so you’re not a man today,” and adjust my gender presentation accordingly. This brings me to my specific labels of being non-binary and genderfluid.

Traditionally in Western/American culture, we think of gender as a binary experience—everyone is either a man or a woman. Even most transfolk that you may be familiar with, like Caitlyn Jenner, Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, and Chaz Bono, are all binary transfolk. They identify as the “opposite” gender they were assigned at birth. Being non-binary means that I don’t completely identify as a man OR as a woman. Some non-binary people identify as more male than female, more female than male, or feel that they have no gender at all (this is known as being agender). However, I also identify as genderfluid, which means that similar to how water (or any fluid) in a glass can move fluidly in a glass depending on how you tilt it, my gender also moves fluidly.

Try thinking about gender as a spectrum (which nearly all psychologists agree it is), a line from 0 to 10. On one end, you have the feeling of being completely male all of the time and on the other side being completely female.

Though it is impossible to qualify with any kind of numbers, I would say my gender identity varies from day-to-day anywhere between a 4 and and a 10. Because I am more likely to be on the feminine side of the spectrum (6-10), I can also say that I’m transfeminine, meaning that while I don’t identify as a woman every single day (and thus am not a trans woman), I do, on average, tend to feel more like a woman than a man.

So, on days that I’m at a 4 or a 5, I probably just look like what you would expect a man to look like. However, if I’m at a 7, maybe I’ll wear “mens clothes” but also wear some make-up and/or nail polish. If I’m at a 9 or 10, I probably will wear “womens clothes,” make-up, a stuffed bra, and sometimes a wig. However, no matter what my gender expression/presentation is, I’m always non-binary.

Q3. Does this mean you’re a crossdresser? A3. No. Crossdressing is a hobby, which is totally fine if that’s what you’re into. It usually refers to men who always identify as men but find it “fun” to dress in women’s clothes. When I’m a man, I wear men’s clothes. When I’m a woman, I wear women’s clothes. It’s not a fetish or a hobby. I dress for whatever my gender is that day.

Q4. Does this mean you’re gay? A4. Because my gender is constantly shifting, labels like straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual don’t apply to me. A person’s sexuality is defined not only by who they’re attracted to, but also their own gender. A man who is a attracted to men is gay. A woman who is attracted to men and women is bi. I am only attracted to women, but I myself am neither a man or a woman, so I can’t say that I’m straight, nor can I say that I’m a lesbian. Therefore, it’s most accurate for me to say that I’m attracted to women and just leave it at that.

Q5. What am I supposed to call you now? Are you changing your name? A5. I still go by Rich. If I’m in a very public place (like when placing an order at Starbucks for example) and I’m identifying/presenting as a woman and don’t want to get clocked as transgender, then I use the name Christina.

The only big change is that I don’t go by gendered pronouns (he/him or she/her). Like most non-binary people, I go by the gender neutral they/them. For example, a friend of mine wouldn’t say, “That’s my friend, Rich. He is an English teacher.” Instead, that friend would say, “This is my friend, Rich. They are an English teacher.” You might notice that I changed the gender preference on Facebook to reflect this (i.e. “Rich has changed their profile picture”).

Also, in general, I do not appreciate being addressed with terms/phrases like “Hey man” or “What’s up, dude?” I understand that most of the time when people use “man” or “dude,” they don’t mean it in a gendered way, but it still really aggravates my dysphoria to be called “dude,” even if I’m identifying/presenting as more masculine.

I also understand and can respect that having to think about my pronouns like this may seem strange and/or difficult to remember, but all I ask is that you try your best and definitely don’t misgender me on purpose.

Q6. Are you going to have “the surgery”/a sex change? A6. Just for the record, the term “sex change” isn’t used any more; the medical term is gender reassignment surgery (or GRS). But no, I am not. I do not plan on undergoing any kind of surgery to change my sex nor do I plan on taking hormones. My wardrobe and gender pronouns are enough to qualm any dysphoria.

I know that this is a lot to take in, both literally in the sense that it was almost 2,000 words long and uses terms you might never have heard of before, but also that it might be emotionally difficult, so thank you if you’ve made it this far into this letter. All I can say is that I wanted to come out to you because I love you and because I care about our relationship. I don’t want to be ashamed or hide who I am from you any more. Take as much time as you need to process this and again, please, if you have any more questions or concerns, talk to me. You can call me, text me, or write me a letter of your own, whatever makes you most comfortable.

Much thanks and even more love, Rich