#finally some identity euphoria instead of dysphoria

[clonerightsagenda]

Miranda: I'm going to get a good grade in being Miranda, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

[marshmallowprotection]

May I ask for an AFAB MC who asks Saeyoung to make them look like a guy for non-binary/transmasc/trans man reasons? For the day when gender dysphoria is real and we wish we had a beautiful affirming husband master at crossdressing who could transform you like the fairy transforms Cinderella

So, you've come to Saeyoung to find gender euphoria? Well, you're in the right place! When he started to wear dresses, do his makeup, and style wigs, it was because the agency told him he had to be bait. But, in that process of learning how to go undercover with eyes trailing up and down his spine for their pleasure, he realized... how exhilarating it was to hear her instead of he. He crossdresses because it feels good! No matter what label you want to slap on him, it's undeniable that he relishes the moment when someone calls him a beautiful woman.

It's one of the reasons why he sends photos to the chatroom. He's looking for compliments and validation, but he doesn't know how to get it without being honest with everyone about how it makes him feel. Hearing Zen tell him he's lovely...? Highlight of his day. It's easier to play it off as a joke than to explain how he's feeling to his friends... but that's Saeyoung for you. Why be vulnerable when you can joke it off and let everyone make their own assumption? It's better that way. He won't have to worry about what might happen when he inevitably loses the RFA someday because of the agency.

But, when you come into his life?

He finally has a chance to be himself and explore these feelings without looking over his shoulder. He doesn't need a label for what feels good. If he feels like being referred to with she/her pronouns, you'll use those without a second thought. You don't know how good that makes him feel, or, maybe you do... and that's why you want to let him know you'll always affirm his sense of self no matter what he feels like that day. Expect the same from him tenfold.

You're comfortable enough to sit down with him and ask for his help in validating your gender identity. Even if this was merely a question of "I want to see how this makes me feel before I take this thought... further", he wouldn't hesitate to sit you down and help you feel good about yourself. He had no idea how a dress would make him feel until he put it on, so he knew it could be the same for you.

What kind of clothes do you like? You don't know? Okay, he's got a few options you can look at. Do you want to wear a wig if your hair isn't the way you like? Okay. What color do you like? Do you want to have a beard? Mustache? A five-o'clock shadow? Sharper shadows along your jaw? Makeup can add plenty of touches, but he wants to know what you think you'd like before he commits to anything. You don't have to look in the mirror until he's done, but he's involving you in this process every step of the way.

You deserve to feel the way you want to feel, and he's got plenty of resources to make you look as masc as you want, within reason, of course. He's great at what he does but there are some limits to what he can do with makeup and clothes. But, having him validate you and reassure you means the most, doesn't it? He knows it makes it that much easier for him to feel like a pretty girl whenever he has a femme day.

"Maybe, if you like what you see when we're done, I'll get dressed up and be the pretty girl on your arm. You'd like that, wouldn't you, 606? If today's a gender-affirming day, then I want to experience that with you. My handsome 606... you've always made me feel beautiful. I've never doubted my worth as a woman when you smile at me, and I... I hope I can help you feel the same way today."

[verdemoun]

Hey, it's me again! Sorry for being mousey last time.

I know this is a bit recent but if I wait too long I'll either lose the idea or my nerve.

For some reason, I adore the Transfem "Kieran" Duffy HC. It's almost certainly projection, because while I was never held hostage by a roving band of psychotic Irishmen, I am shy, neurodivergent, and paranoid to the point of having escape plans I will never use.

I know you already did one for 1899 Kieran (which may or may not have cursed me with a love of an incredibly niche HC for an already very niche character) but could you maybe do one for Timewarp?

Alternatively, if you would like something different, Sean and his father learn about everything that happened in Ireland after their deaths. The 1916 Easter Rising, The Troubles, or Margaret Thatcher as a whole.

As another alternative, disregard this ask all together, and go get a snack. You probably need one.

A snack would be good rn I'll have a snack with one hand and reply with the other.

Transfem Kieran,,, beloved.

Bessie motherfucking Matthews can smell gender dysphoria like a bloodhound and would notice the second they brought the non-verbal smelly homeless former-O'Driscoll home.

Kieran's been sleeping rough for a month, just like when he was first let off the tree in Horseshoe he desperately needs a bath.

After a slight miscommunication about hot water (and the concept of not needing to share bath water), Kieran is sitting on the couch two hours later shivering in three layers of clean clothes and a blanket with Bessie very gently and patiently brushing the knots and mats out of his hair. The first thing Kieran makes close to a noise is a delighted squeak in the back of his throat as Bessie says what nice hair he has. Bessie immediately ties a little braid in Kieran's hair, to another overjoyed squeak.

Kieran absolutely latches onto Bessie as a safe person. When her husband assures her Kieran had always been around the women in camp and just seemed to prefer their company, Bessie takes note.

Innocently saying that they weren't expecting any more timewarpers for a while so Kieran has to go shopping in her wardrobe for a bit. While Hosea's clothes are in there too he picks out a v-neck and a chunky knitted cardigan and looks very content in women's clothing that still fits loose because of how scrawny he is.

Bessie also offers to help Kieran shave. Getting a close shave was still a fairly rare occasion thing in 1890s so she could easily say it was a treat to make timewarping seem less scary.

Instead Mair gets a moment of seeing herself with her hair perfectly washed and brushed and soft and clean shaven in femme-presenting clothes that didn't even exist in canon era and very quickly goes from 'yay men can be pretty in modern era' to the gender euphoria of 'wait am I a man? or am I a pretty lady? can i,, oh i can be a pretty lady!!'.

Bessie would also be euphoric because a) timewarp actually giving people a chance to explore gender identity in a way they couldn't in canon era and proving all the fear and learning to adapt to modern era is a good thing b) she finally gets a daughter because throughout all the children she has accidentally adopted over her lifetime (Arthur, John, Sean, Lenny) she is yet to actually have a daughter due to dying before the gang picked up Tilly.

Bessie would adore brushing Mair's hair and taking her shopping to get fancy nice smelling soaps and clothes. Mair would still be a hoodie gremlin but the classic oversized paired with a mini skirt but the hoodie's so long it just looks like she's not wearing anything under it.

Exception being first-time she sees a dress she absolutely must have. It very much looks like something from the early 20th century and only modern to the gang, with a bell skirt and petticoat to match.

Processing timewarp honestly takes up so much of the gang's time most would struggle to actually recognise Mair as Kieran except for the OG timewarpers who would respect times change I guess Mair is her name now. 'There's cars now and no one owns horses, and robbing banks and getting away with murder is almost impossible, you have to get an actual paying law-abiding job, also sometimes people change gender'.

Molly would absolutely fall in love with having another girl in the gang who doesn't actively hate her (her and Karen still have some beef to work out) and spend hours doing Mair's make-up with all her fancy products and Mair would adore it. Otherwise she is useless at doing make-up because that shit is hard.

She's somehow an even bigger horsegirl because she really identified with the being a girl part. People thought Kieran was obnoxious with his love of horses? Mair is worse, infinitely, infinitely worse. The few who make the connection Mair was once Kieran Duffy? The way she talks about horses.

My Little Pony backpack that goes everywhere with her.

She makes friendship bracelets for her favourite people, because she would never part with any of her precious horse figurines for any reason. She would still bite Sean for touching any one of them.

Bessie: precious darling daughter would you like to get our nails done together? Mair: yes please!! - after - Mair: yay pretty nails!! pretty!! Bessie: Bessie: it's okay if you want to take them off Mair: oh my god yes please

[multigenderswag]

i just wanted to say thank you because this blog is what made me realize i’m multigender, and that realization basically completely wiped out so many doubts i had about my gender.

i started t last year and being a trans man is a huge part of my identity, but the changes t brought also seemed to unlock some parts of my gender that my dysphoria had been keeping hidden away before. when i started getting gender euphoria from being seen as a woman despite my new appearance or feeling more genderless/neutral parts of myself, i got so stressed out thinking i had been mistaken somehow. i kept agonizing over trying to figure out my One True Gender, trying to mix all the feelings into one thing or choose between them. i knew multigender people existed, but somehow it never occurred to me that *i* could be one. and then i found this blog and spent literal days scrolling through all of it over and over and it just hit me that trying to choose had been so agonizing because the right answer all along was all of the above.

i’ve been out for almost a decade but i think this might be the freest and most comfortable i’ve ever felt in my gender — i can finally welcome and embrace all the fun new gender feelings i’ve been having on t instead of seeing them as a threat to who i thought i was, and it’s such a nice feeling.

so thanks for making this blog and helping me finally get it through my head that i’m not actually wrong about my gender, i’m just much more genderful than i thought i was!

Haha! I've multigendered another one! >:)

Congratulations on the gender, anon. Realizing you align somewhat with your AGAB can be terrifying if you previously identified as binary trans, but it can also be fun to explore that gender without having it forced on you. It can be hard to accept that your womanhood doesn't threaten or invalidate or cancel out your manhood (and vice versa), but accepting that is a really nice feeling.

[r-brauns]

Gender Stuff #2

I made a breakthrough yesterday and came to the conclusion I was performing my agab for the wrong reasons.

Essentially, I started thinking about this when I was wondering if this whole trans thing and gender questioning stuff was just a phase. When thinking about my childhood and past, I counted the years that I preferred to dress like a boy, would be excited upon being mistaken for a boy, and really tried to hide my body during puberty along with counting the years where I was hyper-fem. It turns out that, while I can't account for all my feelings during childhood, I think I experienced quite a bit of gender euphoria and dysphoria as a kid. Here's some:

Before I even had a concept of gender I'd cry and throw fits over my mom dressing me up in anything girly. I hated clothes shopping and never wanted to wear what she picked out until I was able to ask for boys clothing, then shopping became fun for me.

Around 7 or 8 I would try to "pee like a boy" and even made a STP out of toilet paper before I even knew what an STP was.

I vaguely remember a few times praying/hoping I'd wake up as a boy

Getting accepted by the guys and seen as one of them made me extremely happy. I didn't have a desire to really be associated with girls, even when it came to team sports like bowling where gender didn't matter, I wanted to be over by the boys.

I really liked being mistaken for a boy, especially this one time when this girl who was younger than me confessed she thought I was a pretty cute guy in HS.

I would always catfish as a boy online, for years.

I was binding at ages 13-14 and wearing compression pants to hide my figure. I would refuse to let anyone see my body. By 14/15 I was identifying as FTM.

There's a few more but I think I got my point across. Of course these signs aren't 100% indicative that I'm trans but to me they mean something and that alone made me look into why those feelings suddenly were "forgotten about". I mostly attribute it to the fact I was dismissed by my mother when I came out and then had a bad experience with a trans friend who accused me of copying them (I am deathly afraid I'm being influenced by outside factors or following a "trend" even now, 11 years later).

Shortly after that clusterfuck, I gave up on the identity and at around 18 I started dressing hyper-fem. I looked into why I did this sudden 180 and I remember distinctly doing it so that I could be more like my friends who seemed to be living more successful lives than I was (more popular, attention from boys) and so I thought in order to have a successful life I needed to get a boyfriend so that I could get married and so I could have a picket-white fence type lifestyle and be happy. Chasing this only made me miserable. I wasn't doing it because it felt like me at the time, I instead grew into that role and became so depressed trying to reach the goal of "normalcy" that any threat to that (like a break up) would leave me depressed and anxious. So I was constantly seeking attention from guys and to do that I dressed and acted as a woman. I would sexualize myself and it always felt bad afterwards. I was just not happy until I was at least in the relationship stage but I noticed as I got more comfortable and secure in the relationship, I started dressing more masculine again and going back to how I was in HS (when I felt freer and happier).

Currently, I've been in the longest relationship I've ever been in and I feel like because I've gone the longest without feeling the need to attract men that I can finally be myself which has led to questioning my gender. I don't know if that's 100% the reason but the timing is interesting. But because of those few years where I was hyper-fem and looking to attract guys, it's super hard not to fall back into those habits. It's spawned one of my worst fears about being trans which is regretting transition.

What if I regret it and I can't find someone who'll be attracted to me? What if I ruin my life? I don't think I would hate the effects of T or being seen as a man or have any reverse dysphoria because of it but I'm so scared of the what-ifs that my old self is worried about. It drives me bonkers. Of course I'm also worried about transphobia and general acceptance and dealing with doctors but they aren't my main worries (at least now). And that sucks because I've loved every single step I've taken to masculinize myself during the time I've experimented with my gender but its so hard to actually feel any feelings and not immediately dismiss them because they aren't strong. Unfortunately, I'm afraid of change and regret so bad that being as I am now is something I see as the safer option. Not necessarily happier option and I kind of don't know how to get over that. I was the thrive, not just survive.

[non-binharry]

Hello asia! I'm going to title this essay "Why Boyfriends is about Louis - and that's okay!" by a friendly neighboorhood trans larrie. So let's give some background shall we? If you look at lyrics in the LCU (Larry Cinematic Universe) we can all see the main problem that has come up in their relationship: communication. I'll get into specific examples later but that's what it boils down to. As someone who has been here since 2012, I don't see anything in their lyrics to be about cheating, abuse, etc. So after a few listens of Boyfriends and reading the lyrics, I came to the conclusion that it's definitely about Louis and it's all about the lack of communication Harry felt he was getting during a difficult time. But what time, you may ask? Well, dear reader, in my humble opinion all their relationship troubles are not about cheating, feeling abused, break ups w.e angst wank people seem to think gay relationships can't get through like straight ones. No, imo it lies in a complicated mix of two big things: closeting, and Harry's gender identity. *for disclaimer purposes to cishets already offended by now: saying Harry is trans could mean a variety of things. His pronouns could be he/they/she but there is no denying that in the past 12 years of Harry bring in the spotlight, his relationship with gender is there and something that trans fans have picked up on, just like the gay ones who picked up on their relationship. This is just one person's interpretation of their songs so if you don't agree please ignore it. And be kind*

So, you might say, what do you mean, dear anon? Gender in the LCU? More likely than you think! I want to preface by saying that I analyze LCU songs on what I believe happened between them: they were feeling the restraints of their closet early on 2012-14 and were bad at communicating their feelings about it (Louis personality makes me think he's very much the "lets ignore our problems so we dont dwell on them" type man), but during all that Harry was also dealing with gender dysphoria and felt like Louis was shutting him out so he had no one to talk to. So when Harry finally opened up about it, Louis felt awful for not being there for him. Too Young reads as a big apology for all of that but I'll get back to that later. Take Walls and how its about Harry. Verse 1: "nothing wakes you up like waking up alone, and all thats left of us is a cupboard full of clothes" (very clearly referring to a closet with "us") "the day you walked away and took the higher ground was the day that I became the man that I am now". Now bear with me here: imo this entire intro is Louis describing their relationship as they deal with Harry's gender identity. Why? Because look at the word "higher ground". When do you go to higher ground? When flooding happens aka water disasters. Water, which has literary themes of rebirth when you emerge from it, is a big theme in Harry's music videos. Specifically with Falling with him underwater lamenting about his identity. He's drowning, feeling worthless, "what if I'm someone you won't talk about?". I believe Falling is about Harry feeling the lows of being trans, overthinking how it affects Louis, and the music video reflects that. Now back to Walls. The day Harry was able to escape the drowning (gender acceptance and euphoria) and take higher ground was the time Louis finally felt like they solved the worst of their communication issues and Louis could be "the man that I am now" in being an ultra supportive partner. The high walls Louis sings about is the way he used to box himself in from trying to deal with their problems (that he only thought was closeting but instead much deeper) but in the end they all came "falling" (*pointed stare*) down for Harry. Thats why he laments about "hurting who you love and no amount of words would ever be enough" when its literally the love of his life "you were my because". Louis has always been supportive of the trans community so I think he was kicking himself for a long time for not noticing what was happening with Harry. That's why the "thank yous" are so bittersweet. It was a painful but necessary wakeup call of not being there for his partner but they both grew from it. Perfect Now was born out of Louis giving Harry gender affirmations. Always You and We Made It are celebrating that they got through it together. But what about Too Young and Defenceless? Fear not! Because this is how they tie into Boyfriends. (2)

Boyfriends reads as Harry feeling unsupported Louis. In fact, think of it as Harry talking to a mirror about his problems after a hard day. Verse 1: "boyfriends, they think you're so easy, they take you for granted" The you is himself of course. Because of the lack of communication in their relationship, Harry felt like Louis wasn't paying attention to him. "They don't know they're misunderstanding you". This line speaks volumes to me. When you use "misunderstanding" it means that someone isn't understanding you correctly. But the boyfriend does not know that he's not understanding Harry correctly, right? Sound familiar to past themes in songs? As stated before Too Young feels like a big apology song by Louis for not being there for him. "I wish I could've seen it all along" stands as a mirror to the misunderstanding line. "I'm sorry that I hurt you darling" again for all the pain the lack of communication caused and not being there for Harry. And the rest of Too Young follows this apology theme that answers Boyfriends. The last line of the verse ends with "you, you're back at it again" and means Harry realizes the way the problem keeps coming back and he's just back to crying about it without solving it. (3)

Next verse goes "weekend, when you get deep in" could talk about how they both aren't working at the end of the week and Harry has time to get lost in his thoughts ( reminds me of "harry you're no good alone" from As It Was). "He starts secretly drinking, it gets hard to know what he's thinking" = Louis drinking with his lad friends where he's able to vent about their problems, but Harry wouldn't know about what they're saying because Louis doesn't vent to him. "You love a fool who knows how to get under your skin" Harry lamenting that Louis isn't open about their problems and goes to talk to others instead of trying to solve it themselves (Imo Defenceless tells Louis side of the story to Boyfriends with nod to "sleeping on our problems like we'll solve them in our dreams" and feeling shut out by Harry too). "You, you, you still open the door" when Louis comes home yet still not talking about their problems and it eats him inside. Verse 3 goes "you're no closer to him, now you're halfway home, only calling you in, don't wanna be alone, no and you go, why? You don't know". Again the theme of Harry not wanting to be alone, yet not feeling close to Louis, and questioning why he still goes through with it. Harry also sings is as "half way home" like the space in between that's just like the song Louis registered. I wouldn't be surprised if Louis Half Way Home song will have the miscommunication theme too. Verse 4: "Boyfriends, are they just pretending? They don't tell you where it's heading" and this reads like Harry feels as if Louis is just pretending to care for him at that point, and questions what's going to happen to their relationship. "And you know the games never ending, you, you lay with him as you stay in a daydream" and time for a "she" throwback! At this point everyone must know that She is all about Harry's gender journey. "She lives in daydreams with me" is a clear reference to this daydream line. Harry truly feels himself in those daydreams that Louis doesn't know about. And someone might listen to "boyfriends" and think "well why doesn't Harry just tell him?". If it was only so simple. Harry being trans could have made him scared of what that meant for his relationship with Louis. Would Louis break up with him? Would he look at him different? Would he not support him? Again this is the love of his life since he was 16. It can be incredibly scary to think Louis would leave him because he found his true self. It's very clear that Harry tends to think of worst case scenarios when he's hurting, and the fact he couldn't talk with Louis openly added onto those fears. They were already having problems because of what their closet put them through, so imagine Harry thinking it would be worse with a gender crisis. That's why he tells himself in the mirror "you're a fool, you're back at it again". It becomes a cycle of hurt once again as long as they don't talk. (4)

So now as this essay comes to an end, someone might ask "well who is to blame for their problems?". Let us not forget the real villain of the story: homophobia. The closet due to this gave them their biggest problems, and we can't even begin to cover what the homophobic world has done to gays mental health. Also Simon Cowell can burn. Now as for Harry and Louis? I think they both realized how bad their communication was and were able to solve it with each other. Louis tried to keep them happy in their closet by not talking about their problems caused by it, and while it was with good intentions, it ended up leaving Harry alone to deal with his gender identity. Harry's gender journey ended up (to no one's surprise) being fully supported by Louis once he knew, and it ended up making their relationship stronger. I believe Lights Up was born right after this, with the themes of "never going back" and the questions of "do you know who you are?" recurring about identity and feeling joy about finding yourself. It fills me with joy to know that Harry has a partner in Louis that loves him truly and was able to give him so much support over the years (that is obviously reciprocal you heathen rads). I truly believe Harry wouldn't be here without Louis. They are it for each other and always have been. So thank you Louis Tomlinson for being the partner all of us trans folk would want in our lives someday. No wonder H is so much in love with you.

[closet-begone]

Hi. I'll take your offer for advice (if this is how you do it).

When I was little (like six to eleven) I felt like I was part (masc) girl, part (masc) boy. Now that I'm an adult I'm pretty sure that I'm demiboy or some other for of transmasc identity (i use demiboy).

I just wanted to ask if that's ok. My mom made me regret ever telling her because she treats it like a proof that I'm not trans. I always just ignored that I have a chest before and tried ignoring dysphoria because she told me that it would pass and was normal.

Thank you in advanced for any help. My name is Ben.

Of course that’s okay! You can ID as whatever you want to be. Your gender identity can change. It’s okay to feel like you’re one thing for a long time and then finally realize you’re another. I (currently demiboy, he/they) identified as a demigirl and then just a girl for a long time. But your identity can change just like anything else can.

That type of dysphoria isn’t normal for cis people. And it’s not “proof that you’re not trans.” We’re all different, with different experiences. Something I’ve heard a lot is to focus on the euphoria instead. Don’t think you need dysphoria to be trans. Focus on the way it makes you happy to hear your preferred name and pronouns. Cis people definitely don’t experience that.

[trans-advice]

How do I respond to people who dismiss noun pronouns? They claim people doing it in other languages besides English make sense like combos of he/she pronouns, like when English uses hir as a combo of her/him or xe instead of he which is sensible, not completely different words like "bug". They say French and other languages never make random word pronouns, they all have a base in pronouns already, there's no French people making verb/adjective pronouns (since nouns have gender).

Firstly, the MOGAI are valid. Secondly, a lot of the gender terminology is developed by the youth because our community doesn't have as much power to pass down traditions to the younger generations thru vertical identity because what gender identity & sexuality you are is different from your parents, and parents currently have a lot of sway over the lives of kids they call their children.

On top of that, due to pericispatriarchal control over institutions, it took from 1st wave feminism thru the 1970s to finally defeat the myth of "generic he". We are still dealing with discrimination problems related to that. This lead to a centuries long tradition of coining pronouns, until enough queer power was organized & mobilized to get linguists & grammarians to not only accept english as english instead of inferior to latin or whatever, but to then recognize that in English we've already been using singular they. Dennis Baron's "What's Your Pronouns?" details this english-language history awesomely & I could get you a link to a copy if you want, though I'd prefer to do it DM to avoid anti-pirates interfering with it.

So firstly, within that framework of people expressing various statuses of their gender identities is that we assume the gender identities can change, but we can't control them ourselves. Therefore, gender identities can & do function as bookmarks for the questioning, at least for some of the people who identify as such.

So, the reason why we have these pronouns be related to aesthetics that might seem to have nothing to do with gender, is partly because trying different pronouns provides a way to experiment with one's gender & it's relatively easy to do by text messages (which is partly how emoji pronouns have found support).

Like around say 2016, gender terms related to stars & plants & weather & other various things were given there own labels, flags, etc. So making these into pronouns seems to be a version of that. So yeah, while it doesn't exactly translate into a language where there's noun classes attached to the gender perceptions, identities, roles, that's how it seems to be used.

And as it applies to people questioning whether they're a binary gender identity (perhaps among other identities), a gist is that we currently have several different standards of stereotypes for those genders & they interact differently or similar with different objects, different aesthetics, and therefore can be an interesting way to experiment, though that can end. However because there are already so many different competiting standards for the binary genders, that's not as reliable in my own past experience as a trans woman questioning how I could fit in the world when I was younger. This is probably where terms like alignment systems come into play.

The other thing to note is that for the experiments it allows people to associate a gender with those words, and somewhat preserve their privacy about what gender they're considering.

Other times, it has to do with movement or stability of the feelings, such as (dysphoria, euphoria, certainty, and doubt) one is having regarding the status of their identity. A subset of these are neurogenders where mental conditions affect the way you're able to process identity. In my experience, the medical trauma from my mental conditions is why I'm afraid to do a medical transition even though I would've jumped at the chance when I was a kid & teen.

If I didn't answer you question, then feel free to clarify via the asks or such.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[monster-noises]

under a cut cause Idk how long this is gunna be... (hint... it’s Long) CW: confusing trans stuff, surgery mention,  there’s nothin graphic and it doesn’t get Too Heavy so don’t worry

I have such a.. weird relationship with my body and my gender and change and I am so frustrated with it right now...

In case you hadn’t.. guessed from my highly unspecific cryptic references over the last few days I was just lucky enough have had top surgery on the 10th, which is something I’ve been waiting five years for and I’m so relieved it’s finally happened at least theoretically my real emotions are much more complicated and far less... elated I don’t like change, especially sudden, abrupt, change. It’s not fun, it’s hard to process, and it’s always incredibly stressful. And top surgery is a Big Permanent change to my Permanent Singular Human Body. I can’t go back now, my bodies now different than it has been from the body it was for over a decade. All familiarity with it stops here and needs to be rebuilt from 0. And my brain doesn’t care if it /knows/ it’s the right decision for my happiness long term or my quality of life, that’s!!!! too much!!! it’s too much!! I can feel nothing but looming distress and dizzying discomfort! I had.. similar fears and worries about regret and dissatisfaction just before going on T. I was /terrified/ it wasn’t going to be the right choice for me, the shaky impermanence of my identity up to that point made me worried I would start T and “phase out” of “being trans” and it would be too late (turns out, a shaky impermanent sense of identity is a symptom of being Trans and not out to yourself, who woulda’ guessed?) I would have changed (read: damage) what,at the time, was a perfectly reasonable body and I wouldn’t be able to go back. Five years on those fears seem Ridiculous, I was miserable, I was uncomfortable in my body and could not relate to it at all! And now I’m able to feel (somewhat shaky, but definitely much more present) confidence in my appearance, and the face in the mirror gets less and less foreign as that chasm that so long separated me from myself grows smaller and shallower. But I had five years to slowly adjust to the changes brought on by T as they appeared one, maybe two at a time. And only in the last year or two have they really settled into a human vision that I can call “The person I thought I would become as a child” Top surgery is much more...immediate There is not years-long period of slow steady changes until one day you look in the mirror and realize “Oh.. when did he finally get here?” it’s rapid, and all at once, one day that changes everything in a small two hour window. So suffice to say... my brain is not Elated, or relieved, or excited, or euphoric, or any of the other emotions people relate to their top surgery. Instead  have a mundane toiling knot in my gut that I’ve somehow done something very wrong. I remind myself I haven’t, I remind myself of all the things I’ll finally be able to do, the things I’ll be able to feel comfortable doing again, the ways it will make my life easier, that last tiny leap across the crack in the earth to join my body and my person, and I remind myself that “The way things have always been, they were fine, you were fine, you didn’t need this” is completely untrue, and is something we will see stronger in retrospect than we do now. I still can’t shake it though. The damnable feeling that something has gone wrong. I think that has a lot to do with my issues with change but also the fact that there is a long drawn out recovery process that has so far proven to be uncomfortable and miserable does not make the awaited feelings of gender euphoria come any faster. I think once this fucking binder is off, I don’t have tape and gauze all over my chest, I don’t have to sleep on my back and grit my teeth through the ensuing back and hip pain, and I can just live and get used to things being the Way They Are Now, the euphoria will come, just as it did with T, or when I cut my hair, or changed my name and pronouns, those thoughts of “But things are fine, sure it’s uncomfortable sometimes but you don’t /need/ to change” will be replaced with “you made the right choice, you chose to live” but I’m not there yet and if I’m being honest with where I am right now I’m.... kinda miserable in a very different way than the subtle pervasive misery of my specific experience with dysphoria but none the less I’m not... happy not yet I think I need to mourn? is that... would that be accurate? do you mourn the loss of something you didn’t want? that you distinctly felt as your body betraying you when they first appeared? that you wished you wouldn’t get, that maybe you’d be the exception and you wouldn’t have to deal with? (all very real thoughts I had as a 9 year old going shopping for a training bra) can you.. mourn that? I wish I could just.. have the text book experience, wake up post surgery and cry tears of joy and relief. say “yes please” when the nurse asks me if I want to see my chest for the first time and grin at the new beautiful home that’s been crafted for me. Feel giddy and euphoric and proud as I go through the healing process, answer every “how do you feel?” from caring friends and relatives with an earnest “fantastic!” but instead I have a quiet murmured “not yet” to a now slightly confused nurse, no smiles, no big celebrations, an ever building tension about the final reveal, feigned enthusiasm when responding to the texts and phone calls (though I don’t have the feign too much, I can be truly enthusiastic about the fact I am in almost no pain, which has been brilliant, thank you body, for that at least). A disjointed experience that I don’t understand. It’s all very... isolating. And I feel like I can’t talk about it because it’s not dripping with the expected celebratory tones, it’s not even like... just a quieter experience, it’s genuinely kinda sad. And how do you talk about that? how do you expect people to react to that? “Hey everyone! I got this thing I’ve been waiting over half a decade for at long last! but I feel like shit about it right now! come back in 2-4 months when I’ll have settled into it and we can celebrate then!” That’s a great way to invite people to try and talk to you about things that they don’t understand and you don’t know you can explain even to people who Might. I’m worried about my final reaction to the big reveal, which will probably be tomorrow as I take the binder off to wash myself as best I can without gettin’ the gauze wet. I have a feeling I’m not going to react at all, I’ve never been one for big emotional reactions even without all the weird other shit going on, but I would like to feel... something. Ideal, some kind of joy, okay.. maybe only some kinda joy, I think breaking down crying would suck pretty bad. Regardless, I’m not looking forward to my big reveal moment reaction being a Neutral Head Nod. At least I won’t have to perform it for anyone. Being trans is weird and hard and I want to crawl into a cocoon for the next six weeks please and thank you.

[nevergenders]

hi! sorry i didn’t realize you answered haha 😅 i’ve been having moments where i get like... very jealous of guys just for being guys and i feel like i should’ve been born like them. i’ve felt a little uncomfy being perceived as female for a while and i’ve felt a little... unaligned with it but i’ve never thought i could be trans. i have body dysmorphia so i can’t really tell if it’s because i despise my body. & i also kind of think maybe it could be because of feeling vulnerable as a woman? :(

“tumblr should add more space for asks omg!!!! anyway i was going to say,  i don’t think i’d ever  want to fully transition even if i do start presenting as a male, i’m mostly comfortable with my “parts” but the rest is just djsjdnsns lol. I’ve been serious considering a breast reduction for a long time because i’ve always hated them (they’re... small but i wish they were way smaller😅) so all around i’m just like FHSJFN what’s going ooooonnnn”

ohhh you sound a LOT like me when i started questioning in a few places here haha. gender envy is totally a thing among trans people, i know more than a couple people who saw gerard way and went “WHY CANT THAT BE ME” and then realized they were trans. i had a similar experience with gerard (and i still get that way sometimes about like,, late-scene cody carson,,,,). i think my final gender breakthrough happened when i turned into a mitch grassi stan because i was like “oh.... it is okay to be a feminine guy but with some mysterious gender business going on behind the scenes....” but that’s just me!

i’ve had a few moments where i was concerned if my body dysmorphia and dysphoria were connected, but i don’t experience dysmorphia anymore. it’s a tough balance to figure out. i also think a big reason i’m uncomfortable with my chest is because of how how much it’s sexualized in the media. i started off wanting just a reduction for a long time, but as my journey went a long i realized i’d be more comfortable with top surgery instead. i’m not saying this is what you’ll feel but just keep in mind that the more you explore the more things you’ll discover!

here’s another thing a lot of newly-questioning people don’t really realize - your gender is about you, not the label, or the standards that come along with them. if you don’t want surgery, then that’s your decision, and it’s what you’re most comfortable with. transitioning isn’t about conforming to a societal standard, it’s for your own personal comfort with yourself.

if you want me to tell you what your gender is, well i can’t actually tell you what you are but i can give you some avenues for exploration. i think it’s worth looking into nonbinary gender identities as well as just considering how “i’m a guy” feels, personally i really like the word “demiboy” to refer to myself but i also use that word with a noncommittal hand gesture. you can also try out just saying “i’m boy!” to yourself for a while and see how it feels.

another thing to keep in mind is that your gender presentation, aka your appearance and what makes you feel comfortable in that sense, doesn’t have to match your identity. i consider myself to be like “boy but slightly to the left with some slight fluidity” but my ideal gender presentation fluctuates between “boyish” and “completely androgynous but more feminine clothing.”

obviously, there are a lot of things to consider here in regards to gender, which is part of why my gender exploration journey took me like three years and a lot of self-pressure because i just wanted to be comfortable in my identity and it was killing me how complicated it was. the realization comes fast for some people and a lot more slowly for others; don’t pressure yourself to figure it out all at once; feel it out, explore with people you trust to see if you’re comfortable with specific pronouns/names, and allow the gender envy to happen (and maybe have fun copying those people hehe). oh also! gender euphoria is a thing too! when you’re happy with how you look and it Feels Gud!

anyways, i hope this helped, if you have more specific questions or would like any clarification i’m always here! and sorry if this was confusing haha

[transadvice]

i have extreme gender dysphoria - like i really hate my lower half and when i think about what i want there to be instead i’d rather look like a doll that has absolutely nothing there but if it’s vagina or penis i’d take the penis - but i’m completely fine presenting femininely, i don’t always hate my boobs but want them to be smaller. so i just don’t know if i’m trans, non binary or if i’m just going through something all girls go through? any thoughts?

No, this is not something that all girls go through. What you describe sounds like genital dysphoria. In fact, you say yourself that you have extreme gender dysphoria. Cis girls don't have extreme gender dysphoria. "I'm fine as I am, but if somebody OFFERED me a penis, I'd take it" - "I'm not going to go out of my WAY or anything, but if I had the CHANCE to push a button and magically switch genders, sure I'd push it" - oh how I recognize this line of thought. This is a way that people like us, who grow up believing that our wants and needs are unreasonable and impossible, who feel that we ought to always be agreeable and low-maintenance and small, express our deepest and scariest desires. This is a light and breezy cry for help. The problem is, nobody is going to offer us a shot at transition, like passing the cookies at a party. We have to TAKE IT. You don't need to have every kind of dysphoria in order to identify as trans, or seek the transition steps you want/need. You can have genital dysphoria and not have chest dysphoria (though, tbh, it sounds like you have at least some chest dysphoria). You can have physical dysphoria and not have social dysphoria. You can have any level of dysphoria and still not be a binary man. You can be nonbinary and seek some level of transition. You can have ANY gender/identity label and present femme. You have a world of infinite options, and you don't need to have everything line up in the same direction. Take all the time you need to explore your gender, in its infinite variety. This can be a joyful process! See what gives you euphoria. There's no time limit and no final exam. You can also take steps, right now, to alleviate the dysphoria you do have; you don't need to figure out your label first. If you haven't tried packing, I would recommend that for you, as it can help a lot with genital dysphoria. I know you say you'd rather be smooth down there, but it could be that you enjoy having the heft of a (prosthetic) penis there once you give it a try. Or maybe there's another way for you to alleviate your dysphoria that I haven't thought of! Getting involved in online or real-life communities of trans and nonbinary folks can help generate ideas. If you're comfortable presenting feminine, you can still do that even while packing and/or binding. Or you can mix/match masc and fem and androgynous signifiers. An important "aha" moment for me involved switching from "girl femme" (e.g. a pretty pink dress) to "boy femme" (e.g. a pretty pink floral shirt from the men's department). As you learn more about what you do and don't like, what gives your euphoria and what worsens your dysphoria, you can gather the information you need to inform your label, your self-concept, and your future transition plans. Journaling can help a lot here! So can talk therapy; and so can books, such as "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Hoffman-Fox or "My Gender Workbook" by Kate Bornstein. Whatever method works for you.Best of luck in your explorations!

[too-spicy-and-too-queer]

Discovering the aromantic community and accepting my queerness

Discovering the aromantic community on tumblr and Discord has literally been a life-changing experience for me because it’s the first queer community that has unconditionally accepted and uplifted me.  I realized some time in my teens that I’m queer, but it wasn’t until much later that I was able to accept that myself, and even later than that before I found acceptance in queer communities.

I always knew that I’m nonbinary.  Of course, I didn’t have any words for it.  I just knew I wasn’t like other boys.  A lot of the socialization that boys get just didn’t stick to me.  All the masculine validation that boys give each other made me feel gross.  But when I tried to come out, while people weren’t hostile, they weren’t supportive, either.  (Plenty of people I never tried to come out to were quite hostile towards me, but I’m not talking about them in this post.)  Even the queer people I knew just responded to my description of my feelings with “well that’s weird” or “I’ve never heard anyone say that before.”  I didn’t feel like I had any place in the queer youth communities of the 1990s, even though they never outright rejected me.  There just wasn’t anyone else like me in those communities.  And I thought that meant there wasn’t anyone else like me in the whole world.

So I gave up.  For the next decade, I just assumed I wasn’t actually queer, just a straight guy who felt a little queer-ish.  But the feelings never went away.  I still felt gross when people tried to validate me in masculine ways.  I still struggled in romantic relationships with repulsion and confusion.  But I didn’t identify with any of the cis gay or binary trans people I knew, either.  So I just thought I was broken, that I didn’t understand myself or how to be intimate with others.  My self-esteem plummeted.  I doubted all my judgments.  I hurt people out of confusion and fear.

I finally came out as nonbinary once I discovered genderqueer blogs online.  I felt free to be myself for the first time.  It felt like I had just broken the surface and taken a fresh breath of air after being underwater for far too long.  So, emboldened, I reached out to queer communities IRL again, in the early 2010s.  But yet again, I felt out of place.  Most trans people I met had never heard the words “genderqueer” or “nonbinary” and I was always having to educate people who I thought would be my peers.  Everyone talked almost exclusively about medical transition, body dysphoria, and changing their presentation, things I have little experience with or interest in.  Again, no one ever outright rejected me, but I couldn’t find anyone like me.  Nobody talked about social dysphoria, or gender euphoria, or breaking down the gender binary, or amatonormativity, or relationships that were anything besides a mirror of straight relationships, or really anything else I could strongly relate to, besides being bullied for being queer.  The focus was always on finding a way to pass in the straight world, not on changing the straight world to be more queer.  And I saw the looks of suspicion on some of their faces.  I knew some of them thought I didn’t really belong in their community.

Dealing with this lack of belonging for so long, nearly twenty years, took a tremendous toll on me.  Depression and anxiety became daily burdens.  It was a struggle to even function.  I would fall into despair for months at a time.  I lost jobs, I lost friends.  Some days I couldn’t get out of bed.  I’d recover for a time, but never really felt well.

Finally, after realizing that I’m aromantic, I found these communities.  They accepted me immediately and unconditionally.  There was no suspicion, and there certainly was no unanimous focus on assimilating into straight culture.  And I didn’t have to educate them at all.  They all were aware of my gender identity, and many of them felt similarly!  Instead, they empowered me to learn about myself.  I have grown so much through these conversations, because the aromantic community is nurturing and loving.  My mental health is better now than it has been in nearly a decade, because I finally know there is somewhere that I belong, and that there are people like me who need me in their lives, who need my support and love.  I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in maybe my entire adult life, I have hope that I can be myself and be happy, eventually.  I really believe I would not have been able to start turning my life out of the depressive spiral without the aro community.

This has emboldened me again to seek queer communities IRL, and this time I know what to look for.  I found a nonbinary support group near me, and it has been a different experience this time.  There are even people in it older than me who are supportive and accepting!  That’s a new experience for me.

So I encourage all of you to keep reaching out, too.  There are communities like you, somewhere.  The internet makes it possible for us to connect.  It wasn’t until online queer communities matured that I was able to find anyone like me at all.  But more importantly, learn to be uplifting and nurturing, yourself.  The world needs to be better for queer people, and the only part of the world we truly have any control to change is ourselves.

[askanonbinary]

AskANonbinary FAQ (prod at me through the inbox if you think this list needs to be added to/ altered)

Last edited 09/07/2018

1. What is gender?

There is no easy answer to this question. Gender is a complex concept. It may be a combination of physical, mental, emotional, and psychological feelings. Either or both gender dysphoria and gender euphoria can play a part in your relationship to gender - or neither might. You can try looking through sites like genderislike to get an idea of the different relationships we all have with gender, but there is no easy explanation to what gender is and no easy way for you to pinpoint what yours is.

2. I am experiencing [list of gender related things]; what am I?

Nobody can define you except for you. You can find a list of helpful genders/terms in our glossary. Genderfluidsupport also has an expansive glossary of just gender terms that you can look through. There are also two wikis you can use: the gender wiki and the nonbinary wiki. We can help narrow down some choices, but you have to be the one to pick a label(s) or disregard labels altogether. You may also choose to create your own label(s). Gender is not a diagnosis, though, which is why only you can say for sure who you are.

3. Am I nonbinary if I do/don’t experience/do [x]?

All that being nonbinary means is that you do not 100% only identify as a woman or 100% only identify as a man. Being nonbinary/trans is not defined by having dysphoria, your desired level of transition (if any), pronouns, titles, clothes, presentation, expression, or name. And because of this, nobody but you can decide or determine if you are nonbinary/trans.

4. Ok so I want to explore my gender identity, what now? AKA, advice for questioning folks:

The tumblr transgenderteensurvivalguide has a “What Am I?” masterpost where they list some ways to deal with questioning and how to move on from there, and we have a tag dedicated to answers and advice related to questioning your gender. Basically, what do you want to do to explore your gender? You can try: different hair lengths/styles, tucking/binding, different style clothes, experimenting with names/pronouns/gender titles, walking/holding your body differently, etc. You can do these privately in your own room. You can ask family/friends to refer to you differently on different days. You can plan a day to go out and see how strangers read you when you change these things. It’s totally up to you.

5. Can I call myself trans if I am [x]/nonbinary?

If you do not 100% identify as only the gender you were assigned at birth, then yes. Nonbinary falls under the trans umbrella.

6. Can I identify as just nonbinary/genderqueer/trans?

Yes! Microlabels and more specific labels are great but they are not necessary! Plenty of people identify as just nonbinary/genderqueer/trans and nothing further. You do not owe anyone anything further, including yourself. Nonbinary/genderqueer/trans are both specific and umbrella terms.

7. I don't feel like I'm [something] enough to be nonbinary/am I allowed to identify as nonbinary?

There is no test you have to pass nor bar you have to reach to be nonbinary “enough”. If you are nonbinary, then you are nonbinary enough. If you do not 100% identify with only being a girl/woman OR 100% identify with only being a boy/man, then you can identify as nonbinary.

8. How can I tell if I’m faking it or if I’m really nonbinary?

If you’re worried you’re faking it, then you’re not faking it. People who are faking it (who have got to be such a minority that this is not really a thing) 100% know they are faking it because they are doing it on purpose. What you are feeling is self-doubt brought on by living in a cisnormative and exorsexist/transphobic society that insists you can only be one specific gender, preferably the one randomly and coercively assigned to you at birth and denies the existence of nonbinary people altogether. There is nothing wrong with exploring your gender. It can take years worth of time to really come to grips with, understand, and accept being nonbinary thanks to lack of visibility, representation, resources, accept, and support. That doesn’t make you a faker - it makes you human.

One way to think of this is that your mind is basically gaslighting you, making it harder for you to accept your gender feelings (whatever they end up pointing to), in accordance with what society has taught you must be true about (your) gender. You need to work hard on recognizing these thoughts as unhealthy and unhelpful. Realize when they come about, then specifically combat them with reminders that you are allowed to question and explore and that nonbinary is a real (and vast and diverse) and valid identity. You can also utilize the coping mechanisms found below in the question “How can I cope with dysphoria?” to help you on your path to self-acceptance.

9. How do I come out to my parents/friends/partners/school?

Every situation is unique and will require you to make some decisions on how and when you want to come out. Keep in mind that you do not owe it to anyone to come out to them. If you do not feel safe enough doing so, are not ready to do so, or plain do not want to do so, you do not have to come out. That said, you can peruse our coming out tag for an assortment of tips.

Coming out as nonbinary will require some explanation on your part, so first and foremost, be ready to help define what your gender means to you. You may find some helpful references to give your loved ones to help them understand what nonbinary means by lifeoutsidethebinary (warning that there may be some outdated/cissexist language, but they will be good starters for family.

Here is a masterpost of tips for coming out by transgenderbenders covering ways to come out, when to come out (and not), and self-care afterwards. EverydayFeminism also has a step-by-step list of how to come out and what to think about when you are preparing to do so.

For coming out to teachers/professors/staff at school, it can be best and easiest on you to either email all the appropriate teachers/staff yourself or email the principal and ask them to forward it onto the appropriate teachers/staff. In the email, just explain how you are registered and how you should be referred to instead. Thegenderbook has provided a template email that you can work with and edit for your specific situation.

One of the most important tips on coming out, imo, is to do what makes you most comfortable. Pick a place and time to come out where you are most comfortable (is that a secret spot in the park, at home when only one parent is home, etc.). If you have someone you’re out to, you can ask them to be with you to provide support or make sure they’re available to contact afterwards just in case you need. If you prefer to express yourself through writing, then write whomever a note or text. If you would prefer to say how you feel, then come out in person or over the phone. It’s alright to come out with a good luck charm in your pocket or cuddling a stuffed animal. It’s alright to have some comfort food around to help give you something to fidget with and stuff in your mouth if you’re rambling.

Finally, if you need/want to come out but think/know doing so will put you in a dangerous situation, prepare for that. Your safety counts! Maybe you need to talk with a friend to see if them or their family can give you a place to stay for a few nights. Maybe you want to come out in a crowded area or someplace where people are around in case you need to call for help. Maybe you make sure to come out someplace with several exits available in case you need to run away. Maybe you ask a friend to be with you or stay nearby to help you out if need be. Don’t downplay your fears - expect the best but prepare for the worst.

Coming out is your experience, so you do what you need to in order to be as comfortable and safe as possible.

10. What is dysphoria/what does it feel like?

Dysphoria is a feeling of unease or dissatisfaction. When we talk about being nb/trans, this often refers to “gender dysphoria”, which means a feeling of unease/dissatisfaction in regards to your gender. This can manifest as physical, social, and/or mental dysphoria.

Physical dysphoria is a dislike or discomfort with your genitalia, body shape, body type, or any other physical features. Social dysphoria is a dislike or discomfort with how people perceive you, your name, your pronouns, your titles, or any other discomfort you may have with your gender that is not just your looks. Mental dysphoria is categorized as anxiety and depression surrounding gender identity or gender assigned at birth. 

Dysphoria can manifest in a variety of ways. It may be a feeling of itchiness or fuzziness or pain associated with certain things. It may be discomfort or disliking. It may come in the form of depression/anxiety. It may be a feeling of dissociation, feeling as though you are not really in your body or you are not really the person someone is talking/referring to or a general feeling of floating or disconnect from your body/self. It may be a persistent feeling or it may come and go. You may experience a variety of symptoms at different levels.

11. How can I cope with dysphoria?

Depending on what type of dysphoria you’re experiencing and what it’s triggered by, there can be ways for you to try and cope with dysphoria.

To generally cope with dysphoria and try to enter a better mindspace, you may find guided meditation (or meditation in general) helpful. If you know or have/are practicing Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), its techniques can also be helpful in addressing your dysphoria and coping with it. There are many apps on both the app store and the play store that can help you with both of these if you cannot see a professional. Insight Timer (android and osx) is an app for guided meditation and Pacifica (android and osx) is an app for CBT and guided meditation. However, if you are prone to dissociation, hallucinations, psychosis, or paranoia, stay away from typical mindfulness and seek out mindfulness practices that will not trigger negative reactions specifically meant for people who dissociate or otherwise can’t practice typical mindfulness.

Playing around and changing your appearance so that you cover/hide/transform features you are upset with can help you feel better. You can browse our passing and androgynous tags for various tips on how to find an appearance you are more comfortable with.

Finding people who understand what you’re going for and hearing validation about yourself can also help you cope with dysphoria. You can find other nonbinary/trans people through tumblr, a forum, genderfork (a hub for genderqueer folk), your local QSA, or even a dating app. You may be able to find queer meetups through the app meetup. Thurst (which is specifically queer-oriented), Her, and Mesh are all meant to be gender-inclusive dating apps that you might be able to make some friends through. You may find it validating to see others like you on places like genderfork, to get to read your name/gender/pronouns correctly by using the Pronoun Dressing Room (it inserts you into some stories to give you a feel of how your name/gender/pronouns sound), or just plain getting to hear some amazing and validating things about yourself using your name/pronouns by blogs like name-valid.

12. Is it normal/okay to experience/feel/think [x]?

You can ask yourself two simple questions to help determine this. One: why are you wary of these feelings/thoughts. If it is simply because they are new or unexpected, then that’s probably your answer. It can take some time to adjust to new experiences sometimes. And, two: do these feelings/thoughts hurt anybody, especially others (as dysphoric feelings may be harmful to you but that doesn’t make you bad for experiencing dysphoria)? If you’re wary of these feelings/thoughts because they are potentially harmful to others, then you may need to further analyze the root of these experiences and confront them. If not, then the answer to question one is probably your answer. Give yourself a little time to understand and come to terms with your new feelings. It’s okay to be confused and need time to introspect and feel.

13. I’ve told someone I go by [name/pronouns], but they are still misgendering me. How can I get them to stop?

If you want to give them a chance (or cannot, for whatever reason, cut them out), sit them down, and explain that what they’re doing is harming you. Then, start aggressively correcting them. Anytime they misgender you and use the wrong name/gender/pronoun, interrupt and correct them, then tell them to continue. If they continue to misgender you and it is at all possible, you can cut them out of your life. Someone who does not make a concerted and consistent effort to respect you and your identity does not respect you, and they are not worth your time.

14. Can I call myself [X thing/gender/sexuality]?

While your labels are up to you, words do have meaning, and you need to think about what it is you want to communicate with the world? Does the term you’re debating really say what you want it to say? If the word describes you best, you’re comfortable with it, and you believe it is appropriate for you to use, then yes! You define yourself.

15. What sexuality am I if I am [gender/s] and like [gender/s]?

As nonbinary folk, it can be hard to navigate the world of gendered sexualities. That’s why others like us have worked on creating more gender neutral sexuality terms! Fiftywives has compiled a list of terms that describe different attractions nonbinary people may experience and some terms that have been coined to describe them. Temp-nb-blog has as well, though their list is not as well sorted as fiftywives’. Princetenjolras wrote up the origin and use of diamoric for those interested, which may help you understand some of the terms, as well get you excited to use them. As well, you may also choose to go by whatever binary term you prefer/find most descriptive/feel connected to and comfortable with. This is your life, your identity: you define it.

16. What are some gender neutral titles [in place of sir/ma’am, parental titles, aunt/uncle terms, words for kids, etc.]?

You can find all sorts of alternative titles (family, official, relationship, royal, etc.) here by genderqueeries.

17. What does [x] term mean?

You can probably find it in our glossary. If not, feel free to ask/request we add it to our glossary. We also recommend the glossaries at genderfluidsupport, the gender wiki, and the nonbinary wiki.

18. Do you have any tips for [x]?

Probably! Please look through our appropriate tags to see if there’s any tips you’ll find helpful: resource (general resources for a variety of topics), questioning (advice for people confused and questioning their gender/identity), passing (for passing a specific gender tips; you can also try the more specific binding or tucking tags), androgynous (for tips on an androgynous look), dysphoria (for coping with dysphoria), long hair (how to style long hair for specific desired looks, typically masculinizing it), make up (make up tips for matching shade, drawing on facial hair, etc.), coming out (how and when to come out), and hrt (facts about hrt).

19. Do you give medical advice?

I’m sorry, but no. Please talk with an appropriate medical professional about your question. MyTransHealth and SpectrumScores may help you find trans friendly medical providers near you. PlannedParenthood may also be a good place to start, as they are meant for low-income folks, will work with people - including minors - in abusive/dangerous situations to get them medical care on the down low if at all possible, and have shown themselves to be trans friendly. You can check our therapy tag for more advice relating to mental health issues and finding the right therapist.

[100-becs]

A Suffocated Soul

TW//Transphobia, homophobic and transphobic slurs, mentions of gore, and mentions of sxxcxde

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Who am I?

I’m an 18 year old disgrace to my family who sees her bearded face as an ailment, who's deep voice, a bass, makes me wish words would fail me, a spiraling mess who's fake masculinity trails me. A girl with a liar's face. A girl who's failing. But still I tire, inside me’s a fire with dwindling kindling, running down to the wire. A soul suffocated and strangled whose saving face is a shell of former self, self hatred shooting through her, forever forced to fester in her failings, sequestered into an inescapable quagmire.

And I said nothing when you told me that my body is not my choice

When I’ve found a way, my voice, my song, it brings me euphoria until you come along, lecturing me that how I'm living is wrong, and how being myself would make me not belong. Relentless ridicule of how my hair is too long, that there’s no going back if I alter my bod. That I can’t be a girl, I watch football all day long. It takes me everything not to pack up and say “so long”. Saying it’ll be my fault if someone kills me, it kills me. Of living, I’m not worthy, as I’m too far along a man to be girly. Oh, gosh, I’m getting wordy. I didn’t realize myself early. The downward spiral into nothingness around me is swirling, as I try to clean up my mess you made for me. Can’t you see I’m distressed? I’m worth less than worthless. Holy fuck, give me a rest. If a rest is too much leniency, go ahead and arrest me. It's torture to continue when my own mother detests me

I said nothing when you went on your tirades against who I am

I’m a girl who can’t cry, though I’m red in the eye. Knuckles bloodied with mirror shards surrounding her. In each is a reflection of a monster. A man who did others wrong and strung people along for his own amusement. Seeping out my hand is where everything I had to prove went. I need to vent. I’m fucking spent. I broke when others bent. Off the ledge, my sanity was sent, the life I’ve dreamt was met with dissent, but though inside, 100 times i’ve wept, I still can’t cry. And despite my eyes and thighs being red with this dye, I lie and say i’m fine. You tell me I'm wired, but my wires are fried and my identity you’ve vilified, and deep inside, I want to die. There's not a day that goes by where I dont think "maybe if I just try, I can act like everything's okay as a guy and i wont have to live with being the type of person you told me you loved but really you're ashamed of."

I said nothing when you told me I’m a man

I’m the antithesis of normality. Fuck the formalities. Send me to my grave at the edge of reality, for the way I exist, you tell me it’s confounding. You feed me to wolves who are hungry and growling. I raise my bloodied fists to fight back, but they all overpower me. The turmoil I face is what has the wolves howling. A little girl whose cries will never come out of me. A little girl named Jocelyn. The name that should never be uttered around you. What you call a trend is why my head's always pounding. The struggle I face every day is astounding. And it stacks up and stacks up and it all amounts to me running numbers through my head, 41 percent. I dont care what you meant because it's the message you sent that I am not welcome in this world being who I am, lest I be happy in my body that others may dissent, and that if my vessel meets an untimely end, the fault is on me, not how wrong society went

I said nothing when you told me it would be on me if someone kills me for wearing a dress

"It's just a trend. I thought I was a lesbian when i was a teenager" is the mantra you constantly use to defend your position. The trans people you mention, you say just want attention, and list ways they're not menschen, in hopes that I stop pretending. I'm not pretending! Apprehending my emotions flowing like the tides of the ocean makes me feel atrocious. The pain that shoots through my skin, skin that imprisons my livelihood within, within my self is a soul begging to be let out, out of my mouth shoots "Why can't I just be fucking normal?!" with my deep voice killing me, "methinks the trxnny doth protest too much" is the response I receive, leaves who I am to die in the darkness, darkness forever blotting out the sun. I'm not your son! I'd gladly run from this thing that I was, reach for my heart instead of a gun that threatens to send this whole operation asunder, and become a being worthy of love and of wonder, not for fun or because I've grown dumber, but because I would never willingly take the brunt of the hell that I live through daily to taste the unimportant heaven of a shred of attention. 

I said nothing when you told me I was following trends

You paint me as a terrible liar, but I was able to convince you that I was a man. I played along with my assigned gender roles when you watched over me, clueless of 10 year old me's crying sleepless nights, or 13 year old me's internal fights, how everything was eating away at me like termites. I know my rights and your words aren't right. I constantly escape to digital landscapes because however it infuriates me wont be a scrape against who I am, and will not cripple my mental state. 

I said nothing when you told me to change my preferred name everywhere.

The 19 years i've spent on this earth, what were they worth? From my birth to the present day, I've pissed my entire life away because I allowed my mother to convince me that she knows more about me than I do about me. That there was no overcoming my greatest obstacle because she birthed me. You've stripped my individuality away from me as if I had just given it away to you. You fed me ideas that I thought nothing of because I focused too hard on the fact that the figure that's supposed to be a universal security blanket won't accept me. And those ideas you spoon-fed to me was the waste of self-doubt I couldn't flush out. My bloody knuckles and shattered mirrors are products of your rhetoric. And as I ball my fist up one last time, bawling my eyes out on the inside, ready to smash the final pane, just end the pain as I go insane…

Why cant I do it?…

My reflection smiles back and shows affection. A disheveled, bloody, broken complexion, but oddly beautiful, a captivating introspection. Completely removed from your hateful gobbledygook, I rub my eyes to take a second look. She's smiling, like she can read me like a book. My ethereal self is happy, while I'm sitting here, still shook. A queer, trans, lesbian mess, but purely my mess. none caused by outside distress, a girl who is always her best and strives for nothing less, Jocelyn. October 9th, 2018 was the first time I saw this wonder, and she helped me see the meaning in my night-long internal plights, my shattered psyche from fights, blights I've brought on my body that brought me ungodly dysphoria and triggered upon me out of body memories because the last body I would possibly want for me is that of a man. She makes me look back on my past and revere it. Im smiling ear to ear because I know although I may fear and people may leer, as long as I'm here, I know I'm queer, I'm here, I'm queer, I'm here, I'm her.

I said nothing when you threatened to send me to a psych ward.

Coming to terms with toxicity can be a tumultuous task that tries to turn you against those you think you love. But that isnt the case here. I know you hate me, but love the boy you think I am. And any attempt I make to let Jocelyn make my life any amount more manageable is met with fury, the situation gets blurry, I constantly worry, like im being buried alive. I strive to be able to survive and thrive because you taught me that I shouldn't let anyone get in the way of me living my life. Please take this knife away from my sight as I contemplate this strife. My existence does not make things worsen, I am my own person!

I said nothing when you lied to me about your care for the LGBTQ+ community

The toxicity of your words only runs skin deep. But this toxic testosterone that courses through my every capillary and produced by my bones makes me scream bloody mary. My hearing is plagued with "fxggot", "trxp", and "trxnny", and if I outwardly say "Hi, I'm transgender", the further attacks on me would be many. But their blaring cacophony is nothing comparing to my body changing to be something that pains me. Waking up to being physically male is just a constant reminder of someone I'm not, an unsettling notification of times best forgot, and of a person who's better off being left to rot. I've screamed, I've shouted, I've sulked, and I've fought. Every day in this body is another day lost, never to be found until I end up deceased on the ground, iced over with the frost, or until this testosterone is replaced with estrogen. Estrogen, the chemical that will make me detest my body much less, make me my best self, but without it i don't know how long until im laid to rest.

Beneath me are the eggshells I've broken because you told me to walk on them. You signed and sealed my name in blood as the son you always loved. I am no husband, brother, father, son. I sold my individuality for safety untold, but as i grew older, the world around me grew colder, the pain inside I couldn't shoulder. My response was to be bolder, but at some point I just rolled over wishing everything would be over because the people i expected to fight alongside me shoved a dagger in my back because I dared to be too authentic to conform to who you thought I was, leaving me to die on the battlefield against my own dysphoria, signing and sealing my deadname in blood, Josh. But as my body grows cold as the blood will roll down my gouged armes from the broken mirrors and the dagger you shoved in my back as a hold. I take hold of the dagger and rip it out of my spine, I won't go down this time. Though it wont all be fine I will continue my climb. I'll push on through the muck and the grime. I'll rise to the top to give my eyes a sight to behold. You say I've lost my mind, I've just gained control. No, today will not be the day that I fold, I'll make sure my story will not go untold, I refuse to be melted and put into a mold, and I can do it all if I could just be bold!

I wont stay silent anymore.

Who am I?

I'm Jocelyn

Perfectly imperfect