#finally drawing soma the way i want to draw them !!!!

[minuet-blue]

they have a lot on their shoulders. they can be silly sometimes if they want to be ☆

[fran-aka-mak]

art development !!

i started doing digital art in 2013 but the template starts at 2015 hehe

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my essaying about my digital art journey below!!

2015 - i was very immersed in the soul eater community! i kept doing resbangs and making friends, and i love doing AUs, specifically soul & maka centric. this is the HTTYD AU where soul is the dragon!

2016 - yes this is Little Things PH's OCs that i did back in the day! i love their lil guys so much i had to make fanart. this was the art i gave to Ate in person!!

2017 - i drew a lot more pokemon this time ! idk why i didn't draw more of it digitally before. i had too much soul eater brainrot lmao. so i combined them! behold contestshipping x soma AU

2018 - this was the time when i got into K-pop! specifically Monsta X haha, i got more interested in doing fashion, especially for male characters~ (and i had to draw my beloved agenda, somakid)

2019 - my bias from MX, Minhyuk on a whale with Minggom! this was made for an artbook that was sent to him! i hope he got to see this along with my tiny message ;; i delved more into a new tiny chibi art style here

2020 - i drew way too much during this year and it led me to impossibly high standards for my art to this day //sobs. i redrew my Your Lie in April AU fanart and i really think i improved so much….. i went out of my comfort zone to really draw the background and the piano

2021 - genshin brainrot started here !! i was trying to find my style even more, and i love kokomi's color palette. i remember looking at 10x references and combining them into this specific pose in the fanart. i still think to this day this is one of my personal favorite art pieces of all time

2022 - another personal favorite art piece (and something my friend aura and a commissioner personally loved!), i was practicing on drawing men since i wasn't confident, but seeing how this turned out made me want to keep going ❤️

2023 - the latest maka & kid piece that i made! they are so precious to me. i love trying out new poses and dynamics, and i tried changing their outfits a bit more to highlight that i wanna try new fashion stuff ^^; i'd like to say it was a job well done ngl

2024 - and finally, a recent piece that i'm most proud of, and shows a lot of my art style (and i drew the background from scratch!). i redrew an old comic panel from a now discontinued comic, but i feel like i improved so much in terms of rendering, coloring, and anatomy!!

[kassandras-one-braincell]

Soma x Reader - Teeth and Talons

Kinktober 04: Marking [explicit]

Contains: rough sex, scratching, biting, blood-drawing

Word count: 951

Ao3 link here.

Men, minors and ageless/default blogs DNI. You will be blocked immediately upon interaction.

You nearly lost her. The dirt tracks of Cippenham drowned in blood, and hers almost joined the crimson tides. She cast her shield to the wind; by some fortuitous grace, no sword found its way through her flesh, save for a few shallow slices. Narrowly, she lived to tell the tale of her recklessness. And you were furious.

Telltale signs of grief stained Soma’s face as her longship docked, staggering through the currents with fewer oars. There was no glory in death. She confided that much in you through hollow tears. Her faith had choked, and with no divine comforts, only you could console her grief. Weeks of agony she endured, hidden from the ghostly eyes of her drengir, finally slipped through the cracks of her numb visage.

With a weeping heart, you held her. Venom threaded your thoughts, cursing her stupid, stupid habit of succumbing to adrenaline, but you bit your tongue. Yet your mind refused to concede to the love you held for her. The bitter memory of your clash merely days before she departed for Hamtunscire haunted you: you pleaded for her to listen to reason, that her iron-forged loyalties amounted to nought if she never lived to uphold them, that the battle was ill-timed and ill-prepared. The screaming, the tears. The coldness of the furs beside you as she feigned sleep in the bed once belonging to a man who forsook her good, honest heart.

Soma harboured anger, too. It gnawed at her, taunting her grief. A valkyrie’s embrace was nothing more than a lullaby for shit-scared warriors before untimely eternal rest. Good warriors died singing it. Her good warriors.

Desperate for mortal solace, your bodies found one another – as they often did after Soma returned from battle, although never with such saddened fury. You wanted to kiss her. To strangle her. To sew your skins together so she could never leave without ripping you asunder. To stake her to the bed, to sob into her chest. To be whole again.

Woeful rage seeped into the first kiss. You loved this woman – by whatever force brought her home to you, did you fucking love her – and feared the intensity of that love died with her comrades. Feared that your anger was a nail in that coffin. But you were blissfully wrong as Soma spat her pure, earnest adoration for the bond you shared through gritted teeth. You were tangible, unlike anything she had felt other than pain these past weeks, and she tested this palpability with harsh rakes of her teeth against your flesh. Deep, sharp bitemarks littered your thighs at your plea, for you wanted to share her pain. She gripped your hand until her knuckles turned white as she lapped between your thighs, hissing anguished I-love-yous against your cunt.

Your lips found hers again as you trembled through the aftershocks of your orgasm. The salt of your savour muddied with the salt of her tears. You pressed a map of saline kisses into her skin, sinking your teeth into every scar that littered her body until all you tasted was flesh. Bit her down to her hips, where you knelt to fasten a harness when she begged to fill you to completion. You spared her worn palms the burden of leather, for it was all they had known after a brutal eternity with an axe in hand.

Pleasure laced itself into every thrust of Soma’s hips, but what you both yearned for, more than breath itself, was unity. Closeness. She lay atop you, her chest flush against yours, bracing the weight of her body on her forearms either side of your head so as to not crush you, although you wished she would. Her ragged breathing grazed your ear, her face buried into the crook of your neck so deep that you could feel the indent of the scar on her cheek.

She rocked into you slowly, with a heartbreaking rawness. There was love to be made, and she made it with a beauty so grotesque, so tender yet cannibalistic that nobody other than you would understand.

Your heart waned as the muscles of her back trembled under your splayed fingers. Your lips latched onto the skin of her shoulder, the sweat licking her flesh bittersweet against your tongue. Breathy moans were muffled against her scars and ink, but their vibrations carried into her veins.

Soma tilted her head to kiss your neck, soothing over a bitemark. She adjusted the angle of her hips, grinding her cock into the tenderest part of your heat, something you never thought you would find yourself wanting amidst your blissful togetherness until it happened. A strangled sound left your throat as your grip on her back tightened, your nails digging into her flexing muscle harsher than intended.

You felt her grimace under the sting. Moaning out an apology, you massaged the faint crescent markings with your fingertips.

But she craved the pain of it. It was the safest pain she’d felt all month.

“Scratch me up, sweetheart,” she rasped desperately against your shoulder. “Make me fucking bleed.”

“Soma,” you whispered, tinged with worry. Some of the cuts along her back were newly healed. She had bled enough for a lifetime—

“Please.”

Seldom did Soma ask you for anything, never mind beg. And you refused to deny her. Not now, of all times.

You clawed. You clawed until the skin of her back stained the underside of your nails. And as paper-thin streams of her blood kissed the air, her strained moan into your neck clawed its way into your heart.

“I’ve got you, love,” you murmured.

Raw, bloody, with mark after mark carved into one another’s bodies, she knew.

[deathfavor]

@yeonban said: "can i get you anything? do you need me to do anything?" Soma inquires with a kiss to the top of Seiroku's head as he waits patiently for any potential instructions that may follow - he doesn't plan on leaving their room anytime soon, choosing to not even entertain the thought before he's sure Seiroku is alright and satisfied.

Seiroku tucks his head against Soma's chest, letting his eyes flutter close while he listens to the steady beating of Soma's heart. It's funny how something so small, something that the body does without instruction, could become something so cherished. His own has not done that in so long ; it will never do it even if the black heart and his golden threads can create the illusion of it. The steady beating of Soma's heart is a beautiful and painful melody to his ears. It's proof that he's alive.

The doctor's face is hidden, turned downwards as he lays curled against Soma. So he allows a trembling smile to form on his lips in secret. Soma is always so sweet, so caring. And for that, it hurts twice as much sometimes to know what he has done and what the future holds. Seiroku slides one hand up to rest gently against Soma's chest, over the major pectoral muscles, and along his linea alba. His touch is gentle, near reverent, because that is exactly what this is. Sometimes disgust curls in Seiroku's stomach to think his wretched hands can touch Soma like this. Like this, where he can spell his love in the caresses he gives and sweet gestures. Some has no idea how bloodied Seiroku's hands truly are, cannot see the destruction and blood that he carries with him. Soma looks at him like he's something treasured when he's something that should be slaughtered and disposed of, not treasured.

His throat burns as he swallows and draws in a small breath. Yet - if Seiroku hadn't embarked on this path, he never would have met Soma. He'd never have rediscovered these long dead pieces of himself, of who he could have been but never had the chance. It's a cruel twist on an already defiant love story. Or a tragedy? Then again, what is a tragedy if not a love story? The love is there, the desire to be better is there, but there is no escape for Seiroku. It is there, but it will not be enough. For one of them, their story will conclude, and for the other, they'll be left with all the broken pieces and the could-have-beens.

" No, but thank you. " Seiroku answers, his eyes still closed. " Just... " His voice falters yet it should arise no idea that anything is amiss. Seiroku struggles even now to speak first on what he wants if it is not a need. " Just stay here for a little while longer? Can we stay like this? " He asks softly, finally shifting his head up and tilting back a bit to look at Soma.

He purposefully bats his eyelashes and nuzzles closer, though the ghost of a smile on his lips makes it clear he fully expects for Soma to know exactly what he's doing.

" I know you have things to do today. " And Seiroku never demands from Soma; he knows the clan and his responsibilities will always come first and foremost. He doesn't expect for that to change. He would never ask that of Soma. He lifts his head, placing a kiss over Soma's heart. " But just five or ten more minutes, if you can? " He asks quietly ; for there's no way he would know Soma has already planned to not leave for a while yet. So he makes his request with elegant grace and sweetness, blue eyes searching Soma's face while he settles back against him.

[jessysapphireblue]

One Piece Advent Calender Door 13

Door 13 : Heartfelt Cards to you

Walking through the snow-covered town, Luffy and you took in the decorations and enjoying some fresh hot meat from a vendor, while you stuck to cotton Candy. “mmmh! So yummy...I want some cotton candy as well” Holding it out to him, he took a big bite from it. “mmh~ yummy”, he grinned.

Both of you finishing your food, and Soma finally awoke from his nap around your shoulder, looking around. “What is this?” Luffy pointed to a table where children and adults sat, colorful paper by them. “It´s a Card workshop. You can make your own christmas card there” “Why would you make cards?”, he tilted his head. “Why, for friends and family for example. Writing them something or drawing. You can even send them across the sea” “JE! I make one for Sabo!”, he beamed at you.

“Oh, that is a nice idea!” “YOSHA! I want to made a christmas Card for Sabo!”, he cheered and sat down by the table getting to it. Smiling at your eager boyfriend, you looked at Soma. “Should we also make some? You can help me” Rubbing himself to you, you sat down next to a child and got to work. They had so many different things to decorate them with, strings, pressed flowers, little stones not to mention the pens in colors and stickers. Soma got you the stuff he and you wanted, the children looking at him. “Oh why you can pet him. He loves it”, smiling at them, they soon got comfortable and your shrunked dragon bathed in it.

Making cards for everyone of the crew, you personalized them on their taste, and you had to admit it was fun. “Done!”, Luffy cheered and showed you the card in a blue tone. “For Sabo, right?” “mmh! What do you think?” He proudly handed you the card and you looked at it. “He will love it”, you admitted with a soft smile. “Good! Now you also need to write your name” “Mine?” “Yes! You are also Sabos sister now. You´re mine so-” He held you the pen out and you smiled, taking it and writing your name on it. “Yosh! Now it´s perfect”, Jumping up, you smiled as you also gathered your cards and made them vanish with a simple flick of your wrist, Soma nestling on your head. “Shh, ok?”

Catching up to your captain. “Now, should we send it to Sabo?” “Yes! Yes yes yes!!!”, jumping around, you smiled and walked with him out of town. Reaching the forest, you breathed out and held your hands to the sky, concentraiting before moving them together in a circular motion and a big piece of cloud came down to you. Hovering in front of you, it made you smile and the cloud poofed away, revealing a cloud eagle. “HOW COOL!!!!” Luffy was sparkling like a star, causing you to laugh, as his cheeks held an exited blush. “Sage, deliver a letter for me, ok?”

“It has a name?! How cool!!! You are amazing!!!” “Luffy, letter” “Oh, yes” “Deliver this to Sabo, revolutionary. 2nd in command. Ok?” The eagle chirped and sucked the letter into himself. “Whoa” “So secure it from wheather. Good luck and safe journey, my friend”, you smiled and held your arm out as big wings spread and witha few strong flaps, he was gone.

“Je, you are way too incredible!!!” “And you calm down before you faint from excitement” “BUT! YOU! WOOOOOOOO!!! YOU ARE THE BEST GIRLFRIEND OF THE WORLD!!! IN! I DON`T CARE!”, he shouted and you laughed, the three of you walking back to the Sunny, as Luffy wouldn´t stop gushing about you.

[a-beneficial-union]

Here’s the post I wanted to make (but which needed the earlier context to make any semblance of sense); Designers are Fun. To. Make.

Look at this goof. Look at this squish face sad bab. Wookit theeeem.

(The nightfury-esqu orca dergon is from my Dual Haven AU.)

When making these forms, I’ve been trying to go through what the characters (Ben alternates) would actually go for in a form they can design themselves. Their designs have to reach certain criteria (or their Omni will just make the needed adjustments themselves), so they do have limitations, so the question then becomes ‘what criteria would a self-generative ai implement in order to ensure its bearer to perform optimally’?

Additionally, there are the criteria passively imposed by the -ens who already have their designers through peer pressure or rules made up by the people who have to approve of the design before granting access. Those criteria would be specific to the individuals, therefore creating trends within the larger networks, the smaller lines within, and the individual Ports making up the others.

Take for instance the WildWire port from the Blight network, since it’s the one I’ve been playing with the most of late. The majourity of -ens there have the Vulpimancer transfer so, right off the bat, they’d be more likely to add the same perceptive abilities of a Vulp to their Designer, WildWire has an offshore site with little to no air gaps (none of which being intentionally present), thus the forms all need to be strong swimmers capable of either breathing underwater or holding their breath for hours at a time.

From the algorithm, these forms also need to be strong flyers (be it through means conventional to Earth or through some of the more alien ways we see in the show). These forms also need to be roughly the same size as the bearer’s default (human) form, so the species used as a base needs to be megafauna. Because the algorithm draws its foundational data from the precursors of Designers (‘Wings’), which were used to transport people and cargo across a myriad of environments, these forms are always quadrupeds.

Given that these forms need to cover a wide range of needs and function as a deck of all cards, they should look a bit like a mess. Surreal or fantastical; peculiar and unreal.

I had the old standard (in the EA’s final years) be for -ens to have at least one Equate form, those being flyers drawing heavily on a dinosaur sample someone had gotten ahold of and since passed around.

As the present has the compulsory Equate being small, unassuming Earth animals, the connotation of extravagant forms shifted to the newly mainstreamed Designer form. The connotation was originally for dinosaurs, so why not not have them be of fictional creatures? And, once the well of mythical beasts dries up (hiii, Soma’s pegasus form), the trend shifts to other such critters?

I had the present trend be dragons because (1) it’s fun and (2) they’re very workable for my self-imposed rules as for how the first Designer form must be. I must be clear that I’m having the characters be inspired by dragons rather than these forms being accurate to myth; a lot of the design choices are intentionally mammalian. Scroll back up to view Dual’s tail? Reptiles and fish have the fins posed vertically for a side-to-side swim whereas mammals propel themselves via an up-and-down motion.

As I am rapidly running out if time and must soon scramble (like I said I would in my previous post), allow me to get to the point.

This fishy good lacks wings and has a somewhat slinky body. They have four legs to traverse land, the neck lids of a Vulpimancer (altered to better suit the scaley design), and a thick tail to easily swim. Their eyes are forward facing.

You might notice that the legs are oddly, cartoonishly long in a way not befitting flight nor swimming. Allow me to show you what species I decided to use as the most popular base at WildWire port:

[pain-in-the-butler]

Literally and actually losing my mind at these all day, ohmigod. I can't stop smiling and I just wanting to bury my head in my arms every time I look at them but like only in the best way possible, all this art is making me so shy and touched and AHHHH-

Oh, I'm so spellbound by these, they're really making my heart sing. You showed me the first one a while back, but I still simply adore it, it's so immensely goofy, Ciel is about to get launched into orbit, and Whit, well. He's just so jolly, and who could blame him, he's living the dream. He's my character and yet I really just hope the best for him, thank you for making him real 🥺

The long piece with Sebastian and the horses is so brilliant, I love the expressions, you really captured his gentle uncertainty so vividly! And Ciel telling him what to do with hardly a qualm, he's really my favorite horsegirl... And lest we forget the horses themselves! They look so dear and friendly, and I literally just noticed Syson charging around in the background! There's so many things for my eyes to catch, and once again I'm so impressed by how you draw fabric, the colors themselves have such a warm pop too. It feels like it's inspired by Beatrice Potter, it has such an old-fashioned fairy tale-ness to it that just delights me to no end... 🥺

And finally, oh the scene at the Funtom convention with Starlet Charlotte Scarlett lmao!! You made it a comic but there's so much detail, nothing quick about it at all! You showed me your plan for drawing the outfits, but it's still incredibly moving to see them in action. And Ciel's thinky faces 🥺 I can't stop using this emoji to represent how I'm feeling today but in reality I'm grinning from ear to ear the whole time I write this. Especially at that last panel which is just... ough Dadbastian 🥺🥺🥺 Their expressions there are positively precious, they're JOKING with each other and being SILLY BOYS just as I envisioned, shoving and playing around and not caring who's watching, this is all I want for them... and of course the big Bitter Rabbit like Totoro in the background overseeing it all 😂 This whole sequence is an absolute treasure, I can't get over how perfect it is! It's so alive.

It's wonderful that you love to visualize things, because it means we all get to benefit from something so fantastically imaginative, and today I really feel like I hit the jackpot with this amazing, astounding collection. And the hints of more on the horizon in your description... Well, I think I know what scene you're alluding to, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't buzzing with anticipation from the mere mention of it - and the Soma art. I am so spoiled rotten by you, ahhh, I really really can't stop gushing!!

As per usual, I hope you'll give me permission to link this in the story itself so that non-tumblrites can see it. I want to just shove it in everyone's face and say "LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT HOW AMAZING THIS IS!" Your creativity and ability never cease to amaze me. This is such a fantastic birthday present, it will mean something to me for the rest of my life. Thank you times a million, anewp0tat0, for everything you create, whether it's for Coattails or anything else. I am so looking forward to witnessing your art skills continue to climb to greater and greater heights!

hey hey its time for more @pain-in-the-butler 's Coattails fanart cause it's the fanfic and just in case any dadbastian lover on my blog for some reason hasn't started reading? I hope these may be an incentive.

glad I got these out of the way now, they were really scratching my brain! I just love really visualizing things. this was the wholesome stuff tho, so stay tuned for when I get out something... hard. eventually

also I had planned to draw one moment with Soma but I didn't get to :[ so that'll either come with whatever comes next, or... tomorrow. idk lol

now then, before I go, everyone go wish her a happy birthday!!

[animeyanderelover]

Hello there! Hope you're doing well on your holiday! This is my first time requesting oof. Could I request how Sebastian, Ash, Prince Soma and Hannah react to their darling outright asking them why they are genuinely interested in them. Darling is confused and believes they're not that interesting to even bring the attention of people like them. They're pretty closed off from others and was at first weary of the intentions they had and just finally just asked to get a firm answer. Thank you! Love your writing!

I enjoyed my holidays whilst they lasted, sadly they’re over now and I have to wait about 3 months until summer break😣.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, paranoia, delusions, kidnapping, manipulation, sabotage, isolation, emotional guilt-tripping, self-harm

Why do you like me?

Sebastian Michaelis

🐈‍⬛He pretty much openly courts you by now, after his time observing you for a bit, finding out what his darling likes and what’s not, how he can get closer to his darling without any problems. Sebastian has every intention to pamper you if you don’t throw a tantrum in which case he has to be more strict on you. And the fact that you are closed off from others is such a delightful thing to witness. It makes the whole situation a lot more easier, he doesn’t have to worry too much about you being interested in someone else or dedicating your time to someone else. I personally believe every demon in Black Butler is isolating due to their posssessiveness.

🐈‍⬛He was prepared for this question of yours, he sensed your suspicions since quite some time and why wouldn’t you? Sebastian is a mysterious man for everyone. On the one hand he is charming and handsome and can do anything, on the other hand there is this mischievous and evil vibe around him that tells you to stay away. It is also a bit unnerving how he seems to know everything about you, from your favorite flowers down to your favorite color.

🐈‍⬛Sebastian is known for keeping his calm and his charm and since he expected you to ask him this sooner or later, he already had much time to prepare an answer, even though he would have been great in answering you that question even if he wouldn’t have known about this. He would give you a charming smile and be very smug about this question of yours, somewhat teasing you by asking if it shouldn’t be obvious by now. He’s trying to court you, kitten. He would find enjoyment if you would look baffled whilst also being fluttered by this answer of his, which might just earn you more playful teasing mixed with fluttering comments why he likes you.

Hannah Annafellows

🟣Similar to Sebastian, she would start expressing her interest openly to you after a while, even though she would even before that try to be a close friends with you. From all the demons in this Anime, I would say Hannah is one of the worse types to have, it’s either her or the triplets Timber, Thompson and Canterbury. She uses isolation and letting people disappear from your life as a way to draw you closer to her and trust her more. So whilst she will be definitely pleasant upon discovering that her darling is a loner, she will also have to think of another ways to make them trust her more since making important people for them disappear isn’t too possible except family which Hannah doesn’t want to kill as long as they don’t do something to annoy her. She has after all only a true place for her darling in her heart.

🟣She just senses how much you are weary of her, especially in the beginning. You have surely your reasons, after all she is from the Trancy manor and there are certain rumors about this place. Next to that she is a demon and whilst being talented in anything can amaze people, it can also scare them. And here as well the fact that she knows so much, too much about you is unnerving as well. Trying to distance yourself wouldn’t really work though, it’s as good as impossible to escape a demon and given your mistrust, Hannah will also start intensifying her strategies to make you cling onto her more.

🟣Different from Sebastian she relies a lot on guilt-tripping to persuade her darling into many things. So there is a chance she will pretend to be a bit hurt by this question, asking how you couldn’t notice. She uses this question as a chance for being so distrusting of her. She will act all saddened and upset, maybe even she’s the one or another tear. This will make you feel most likely bad for her. Secondary to that she will also tell you in a mellow and sincere voice what she likes about you, using it as a way that will hopefully make you fall for her.

Prince Soma

🍛Try to explain to him that you don’t feel the way he does and you’ll quickly discover that his lovesick brain will twist everything you say into what he wants to hear. Soma is together with Finny heavily delusional to the point where about nothing can convince him that you don’t feel the same. For that it is not even courting what he does, it is already acting like you and him are already a couple and will marry later on (which will happen in his mind anyways). Whilst Soma is someone who gets easily jealous, he also doesn’t want you to be alone. He means, you aren’t. You have him. But at the very least Ciel and Agni will become people you will often interact with.

🍛Privacy is gone the moment he fell for you and his interest is painfully visible for everyone. He starts spoiling you, giving you a lot of affection and is everywhere you are all over you. It’s highly uncomfortable given the fact that you don’t even like him and it’s only thanks to Agni that he doesn’t completely monopolies your time and makes you move in with him. But Agni is also loyal to his prince and for that will at least try to talk you into giving Soma a chance. That boy is too oblivious to realize that you are hesitant around him, he’ll just brush it off as shyness.

🍛He is confused, to say the very least. He thought you were just as much in love with him as he is with you. Why would you even ask him this? And try to guess what he will interpret it as, with that sense mind of his. Your prince will start thinking that he didn’t show you enough affection, that he didn’t make his love clear enough yet. It causes him to give you a more childish reaction, suddenly suffocating you in a really tight hug and whining. He’s upset with himself, thinking it’s his fault for making you think that way. Oh well, then he’ll have to show you even more.

Ash Landers

▫️I’m so sorry to say this, but Ash needs not a lot of time to kidnap you, the longest would be a week in which he would act at first more as a secret guardian for you. I mentioned it a lot of times before, but Ash is a lot more hesitant with giving you affection, even though he would honestly die to be able to. You’re perfection in his eyes and he does not think that he deserves you or to be honored enough to touch you. You’re gonna be isolated anyways the moment he takes you, but he would definitely kidnap you even faster when noticing how you seem to avoid people. You’re literally begging him to take you away from the filth. And who is he to neglect you that wish? He will take you and afterwards treat you like a royalty.

▫️Keep with this man always one thing in mind, he wavers very easily, too easily when it comes to you. It’s understandable that you would throw tantrums, but for the love of god, please calm down. He would never show you, but behind the scenes, Ash punishes himself heavily whenever you seem upset with him. He has an obsessive fixation on keeping you happy and safe and by acting that way, showing him how unhappy you are plus the incredibly distant acting due to not trusting him (who wouldn’t when being kidnapped?), you’ll throw him into a whirlwind of dreadful fear and shame and a good piece of paranoia.

▫️He will react emotionally and affected. Ash’s goal is it to show you how special and pure you are, to make it clear to you that you deserve more than the best. He feels like he did pretty much everything wrong if you ask him still what he sees in you, though I’m sure he held already very long speeches about why he had to take you. But it’s still understandable why you would ask. You probably thought that there were far more pure people than you in this town. It’s not the worst reaction you got to see from him though, there were far more unnerving ones. He will very likely burst out in tears since someone like you shouldn’t ask this. Will beg for forgiveness to not be more clear about it and afterwards he will start rambling in a maniac way about why you’re perfect.

[lunarimpact]

I don’t usually have final thoughts posts for any fics which are commissioned. I tend to keep those feelings to my self, and whatever thoughts I might have. But I am having DanAya feelings and I need to just talk about @panyum‘s comm.

The first thing that hit me after completing it was the fear that so much would be missed. That small details like the truth behind the figure in the painting and why the room isn’t described from the get go, why the destruction is handwaved. That the existential dread which is supposed to creep in along side the anxiety wouldn’t be picked up.

But I think, I think it shows itself well on an additional read through.

I was writing about Schrodinger’s Ayako. The room, her paint room, is the box. And if you open the door, what will you find? Will you find a girl dead or alive.

I wanted to portray that this Ayako, who is not supposed to be alive, but is alive, is part of a Möbius strip that is falling apart. Dantes has invented a terrible loop for her, where she is a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a girl who is DEAD. And because this loop is folding in on itself indefinitely, there may be a space where the veil between the “living” Ayako and the alternative Ayako’s may cross paths.

What better way than to pull some Lovecraftian shit for such a moment?

I wanted Ayako to experience not just the overwhelming anxiety of living, but also having perceived an Ayako she shouldn’t even know about. The Lovecraftian horror. The Foreigner. I wanted to draw back to how perceiving an Outter God would usually drive someone to madness, or suicide. So I wanted this portrait to be a focal point to Ayako’s slowly building anxiety. That’s why there’s this implication of the being in the portrait being alive.

Of course, I didn’t want to forget that the reason she has no outlet to deal with this dread and anxiety is because she did something stupid in battle, and got her arm mangled. That was, after all, the plot of the whole comm. It was about Ayako having a mental breakdown because she couldn’t paint anymore. She had lost her only outlet, her only way to unwind when everything was just too much. The events, the nightmares, existing.

But with the room, specifically, I wanted the reader to envision a blank room with only a portrait on an easel and Ayako. A claustrophobic moment where there’s nothing but them. And over time things would just manifest in the room. Other paintings, objects, etc. And when it came to Ayako destroying things, I wanted the focus of the destruction to be the picture. To have Ayako kill the other Ayako, metaphorically speaking.

And the trigger had to be something ridiculous, and mundane. To trigger her mental breakdown, her lashing out. To make you feel the same disassociation from all the fucking destruction. So it was just knocking over the mason jar. The paintbrushes. A fumble.

It was also very, very important for me to use the line: “I’m not recovering”. It could be referencing anything, her physical or mental health, her fragmented soul. That she can’t just bounce back from a breakdown at the drop of a hat. The fact that she is starting to, maybe, pick up on how wrong her existence is. That she’s not supposed to be alive. And I wanted Dantes to not really respond to that sentiment, because if he were honest, he would tell her that the reason she can’t recover is because she’s already dead in a sense. The real Ayako, the OG Ayako is dead. And all he’s been doing is prolonging her soul from it’s actual respite.

My inspirations for this fic were Soma, an amazing video game, Lovecraftian horror in general, Perfect Blue, Schrodinger’s Cat, and just an exploration of Ayako’s amazing lore. There’s a little bit of PMMM as well, dealing with the existence of Homura and Madoka.

And I really, really liked Pan’s simple prompt... I just took it and ran with it. Like really, really ran with it. Obviously you can just take the fic at face value and totally ignore this, but like I just needed to ramble so badly.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #480

“the doomsday clock was made by mankind”

Do you support PETA? No, because they are WAY too extreme. Have you ever lied about your gender? No. Have you ever had escargot? NOOOOOOOO. You couldn't pay me to try that shit. Have you played Breath of the Wild? No; Zelda games aren't my thing. I've watched Game Grumps play it, though. At what venue was the last concert you attended? Idr, somewhere in Raleigh. Who was playing at the last concert you attended? Alice Cooper. Maybe one day I'll have a new answer, lol. Do you have any anniversaries coming up? No. Would you try grapes on a pizza? Holy fuck, ew. Have you ever tried an oyster? How would you describe the experience? Oysters look fucking disgusting. Never. Has anyone ever specifically painted you a painting? Not a painting, no, but I've had drawings made for me. Would you ever want to try pole dancing? Nah. Have you ever had any sort of paranormal experience? Yes. Have you ever gotten something stuck in your skin? (ie: glass shard, gravel) Yeah, like splinters. And graphite. Do any of your grandparents live a nursing home? They're all deceased, but none did. Do you have a USB drive that is shaped like anything unique? No; mine is just a solid hot pink. What country would you like to visit most? South Africa. Whose birthday is closest to today’s date? (someone you know) Girt's birthday is the 10th! Do you know anyone in another country? I have Australian and European friends, yes. Have you ever wanted to be on a game show? Not seriously. Do you believe taking a picture of someone is taking a piece of their soul? Ha, this question makes me think of the quote from SOMA. Anyway, no. Do you have any friends with the same first name as you? No. How many states have you lived in? One. Pancakes or waffles? Waffles, so I can spread peanut butter on them. :') What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun. ZERO competition. What political cause are you most passionate about? Probably LGBTQ+ rights. Really just equality in general. Have you ever considered having children? The only time I've ever in my life thought I wanted kids was when I was with Jason. Hell, I wanted two or three. Now I'm just like... nah man no thank you. Have you ever considered acting? No. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? Ha, no. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I dunno. Did you ever get lost as a child? Once at the grocery store. A sweet old lady helped me find Mom. Do you know how to play any card games? The very basic ones, and Magic: The Gathering. What are you currently most looking forward to? Mom to feel better so Girt can come over. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Hm... Fullmetal Alchemist has a pretty bangin' story. What color are your parents’ eyes? Brown. Are you more dependent or independent? I've very dependent, honestly. Are there any stuffed animals in the room you’re in? Yeah, loads. I have a shelf full of my meerkat collection. Do you love animals? I adore them. I quite frankly don't like anyone who doesn't, because... how. How many people have you kissed in a car? One or two? Who made you mad last? My mom. She said something that just really hurt my feelings. How long was your last shower? It was longer than usual because standing, taking steps to turn, propping my legs up, etc. was fucking excruciating because my feet, ankles, and calves were so swollen. It's so fucking infuriating; in a previous survey I mentioned "oh it's because my body isn't used to getting up and down so much! it's improvement! :D", but no. The swelling was from sitting too long at the desk. My legs are so used to being propped up from being in bed that it caused edema when I was finally sitting. I went back to my fucking bed now because Mom mentioned that it could get extremely dangerous if the fluid buildup got too severe. And of course now that I'm back in bed, the swelling is receding. I can't fucking win. Have you ever had a really bad haircut? Looking back, I think the haircut I had before this current one was pretty bad, but at least it showed me I'd like short hair on myself. What’s your favorite DIY crafts YouTube channel? I don't watch DIY. What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? At this moment, just give me the magic answer to losing all this fucking weight and getting in shape and being happy. Do you usually forgive when someone hurts your or try to get revenge? I forgive too much. Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? English and most science. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. Was your first car used or new? I haven't had my own car yet. How often do you watch the news? Never. Do you have a fan in your room? I have two. Have you ever hatched an egg? In elementary school, as a class. It was a chick. :') I think it was in kindergarten? Would you like to go to a fortune teller? No, because I wouldn't support them spouting bullshit and lying to people. Do you chew gum on a daily basis? No. I've actually been craving gum for a long time now... For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word: My feelings towards them? Jason: Remorseful. Tyler: Eye roll. Sara: thankful. Girt: love. Do you have “friends” that you actually hate? That's some juvenile shit. No. Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing? Gimme both, but if I had to pick, a tattoo. If you’re dating someone, how long has it been? It's been just shy of a month Feels a lot longer. If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? Not shave my entire head, no. Do you live by a forest? Not anymore. :/ Do your parents drink? My dad is a recovered alcoholic, so he doesn't touch it anymore. Mom only drinks lightly for special occasions. Does downloading music without paying make you feel guilty? Yes, and yet I do it anyway. :x Does your house have air conditioning? Yes. What do you believe in more: Ghosts or demons? Ghosts. I don't believe in demons. Do you think they’re making too big of a deal over Michael Jackson’s death? Old survey is old, but no, not really. He was an absolute pop icon that was deeply loved by millions and millions and inspired the genre deeply. I wasn't even a big fan and yet I felt for those who were. French fries or onion rings? The former. I don't like onion rings. Favorite healthy snack? Um. I suppose apple slices w/ peanut butter, especially lately. Or strawberries. ]If you see a bee in your house... are you going to kill it? Bees honestly scare me, so I'm not touching it. Mom will have to get it, and I know she would kill it. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? Done it before, and it didn't feel weird. If your best friend grabs your hand, what do you automatically do? I'd look at her and ask what's wrong. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Nothing. Do you tend to flirt a lot, even when the person isn’t single? No, especially if the person is taken. Can grills be sexy on a guy? Grills are unattractive on everyone. Have you ever flown first class? Ha, yeah right. Are you the type of person who can shake insults off easily, or do they tend to stick around in your brain & bother you? They stick around for years upon years. Some I think I'll never forget.

[fiction-in-my-blood]

Switching Sides: Part 15 (HLITF)

if anyone possibly wants to get on a tag list I’d be happy to make one

👉@theshove  ​👈

👉@kamyru 👈

If you wanna catch up, Part 14 is right here! Happy reading :)

And I just want to thank everyone that’s been consistently reading this fic, I know it’s a slow burn but I think it’ll be worth it :D

Premise: Growing up in a life of crime in a Japanese mafia, Atsuko Motomori has seen enough injustice to last her a lifetime. To try and give back to the universe her family has taken so much from, she dreams of being a detective from a young age. Her twin, sharing her disgust for her father and many uncles, just wants an ordinary life away from the crime, paing and suffering. Instead, she wants to be in the spotlight with the soft notes she makes with her cello. In their escape of 2015, on their coming of age birthday, they must split ways, never to be together ever again. If one was found, they didn’t want the other dragged down with them. Atsuko, having changed her name and appearance as best she can without a scalpel, sets off to start her life of car chases and arrests.

Four years in a seemingly dead-end police station in the middle of nowhere, being passed over time after time for promotion, Atsuko finally gets a shot at her dream, having been sent to an academy for the best candidates in the country by her boss who had always kept an eye out for her. After discovering her boss may have made her bite off more than she could chew, Atsuko must become the slave of a dominating instructor!? Who so just happens to be the captain of the most famous police unit in Japan? Not to mention a total knockout! Will Atsuko finally achieve her dream? Or will her new instructor put her through the wringer?

Warnings: Language, Reference to sexual activity, Forceful nature, Abuse, Kidnapping, Torture.

~~~~~~

Early the next morning, I dressed in my loungewear to go to Juna's apartment. She had an outfit of her's waiting for me; I didn't own anything pink like the dress code she wanted. Grabbing a quick bite from the canteen and a coffee, as I have now remembered the difference between tea, I get the train to her apartment.

"Katsumi! You're here!" Juna bounced towards me, or as best she could under the weight of her almost grown baby, and stole the cake box I was balancing in one hand, holding my bag to my side with the other.

"Sorry I'm late, the metro was hectic." I sighed, kicking off my shoes as she shuffled back to the kitchen counter. There, I saw Kanto hurriedly putting up bunting. When he saw me, he directed his gaze to the space under the stairs where a set of drawers sat. Curiously, I stepped towards it, opening the top draw while Juna was distracted and found the ring I wanted. Pulling it out, I slipped it into a pocket in my bag.

"Your dress is in the bathroom if you wanna change!" Juna called over her shoulder as she pulled a box of strawberries out of the fridge, planning to chop them up.

"Sure thing!" I called back, knowing my way around the apartment since I lived here for months.

The dress in question was somewhat short and pastel pink. There was an upside-down triangle cut out of the back, the top half was tight and anything below the top of my hips was flowing. It was surprisingly comfortable, even if I felt like walking cotton candy.

"Told ya you'd like it!" Juna squealed in joy when she saw me emerge with a light blush on my face.

"It's not horrific." I pouted and went to help decorate the small balcony outside to escape her complimentary pestering.

~~~~~~

Once the arrival time for the party came around, more and more people started showing up. I didn't even think to ask my sister how many people were coming, but I sure as hell didn't think it would be this many people. There were so many, I was getting a little warm and the number of times I had to dart out of the way, getting my earring caught in my hair in the mad rush, I decided to put it up. I was bestowed with the job of answering the door so, when it rang again, I jumped up with a sigh. Because I was so used to seeing faces I didn't know, having everyone comment on how alike my twin and I looked, I was shocked when all the instructors showed up on the other side.

"In-Instructors, you made it?" I blushed when I saw them all in their casual clothes, instantly anxious when I remembered the outfit I was wearing. They all obeyed Juna's wish of them wearing pink or blue, all of varying degrees of severity, except for one. Can you guess who it was?

"Com... Come in. You can leave your shoes here." When I realised I had been staring, I jumped out the way to let them in. ‘God, Katsumi. Keep your cool!’ I internally screamed as I watched them filter in. Then, I directed them to the food when Juna finally approached us.

"Detectives, I'm so glad you could make it! I hope you enjoy yourselves. There's beer in the fridge, so have at it. There's plenty to go around!" Seemingly much more used to the instructors than I am, or she's just more sociable, Juna had a bright smile on her face. "Detective Kaga, you're not wearing blue." She frowned at the one person in the room not giving in her wishes.

"Juna, please." I begged her not to embarrass me as Kaga 'tsk'ed to himself. Then, he extended his hand to her, which held a paper bag. She took it and looked in to find a gift.

"Kaga, this is so cute! Look at it, Katsu." She squealed at the small bear with beady black eyes. It was kinda adorable and I blushed at the fact my sternly faced mentor had gifted it. The tag still attached to it said it was a nanny cam. My embarrassed and confused gaze fell to him and he sneered.

"My niece liked it." 

‘Is he... pouting?’ It was almost too strange to tell with the faint blush on his face. ‘Is he already drunk? Wait! He has a niece?’ My blush deepened as I imagine how Kaga might act with a child to know her so much to know her favourite toy.

“Did none of your friends come?” Soma interjected my thoughts from beside me, seeing as Juna had gone to Kanto in the kitchen. I almost jumped out of my skin, but only because I was scared he could read my mind.

“Oh, no. No they… They were busy.” I quickly made up a pathetic lie, not wanting to throw Naruko under the for being afraid of the instructors. “Anyway, can I get you guys any drinks? Like Juna said, we’ve got beer, soda, water?” I listed off a few options so I could just escape this cluster of men, and even more people started to swarm us at their appearance.

“How does Juna know such good looking, young men?” A very forward older woman instantly clutched Instructor Goto’s arm, either drunk or that was just her rich nature. I instantly started panicking again. 

“U-Um, Miss, they’re my bosses. Please… Please let go of him.” I was frantic as the instructor looked increasingly uncomfortable because of her flirtations. Almost everyone here was Juna’s work friends or spouses of, so they were all high standing members of society, not anyone I ever expected to mingle with.

When the woman just wouldn’t let go of him, I decided it was time to amp it up a gear. “Actually, I think your husband was talking to the composer’s daughter by the bathroom.” I gestured to an older man and a girl around my age talking up a storm on the other side of the spacious room, and the woman almost simultaneously stormed over. 

After profusely apologising to Goto for what he already had to go through after just arriving, with the instructors still around us, Shinonone expressed how shocked he was that I could diffuse the situation somewhat quickly. 

“I used to work in a club downtown. It was part of my job to get a feel for relationships in the room. O-Of course, you saw me working.” I was almost sweating with how nervous I was, remembering how rude I was to the instructor when he didn’t even know it was me at the time. Ayumu smirked at the memory of the interaction, and probably what I was wearing then too. 

Luckily, Juna called me away to help her with something before I could be teased further.

~~~~~~

Later on in the party, I felt the need to step outside and take a breather, so I headed to the balcony and was surprised to find no one there. It was spring, the weather; surprisingly warm, and the flowers Kanto had been growing for Juna were in full bloom.

With my elbows resting on the railing, I suddenly realised what Kaga being here means. "I passed." I gasped, my heart filling with pride and doing a little dance to try and expel my joy. A rush of relief flooded over me and I don't think I've been happier than that moment. Not just relieved, but happy.

"It's been a while since I've seen that dance." A man's voice spoke up behind me and I turned in curiosity. For a moment, I truly believed it was one of my captors, but my vision quickly corrected it to Noburu. My heart raced as I saw him standing in the doorway, eyes wide. I hadn't seen him in a month. I was never told of him visiting. I was a little angry, he hadn't even texted me. But, above all else, I was scared. He sent alarm bells ringing in my head as if he really was the captor that fed me. That stood by and watched as I deteriorated into a heap of weeping bruises.

"No...Noburu. What are you doing here?" I panicked, stepping back and finding the railing block me from going over the edge. In an instant he was in front of me, holding my face as tears grew in my eyes.

"I missed you so much. I went to visit but you freaked out. I was so worried." His face was so close all I could see was him as he held my cheeks, his fingers extending into my hair, which I had let down again. I struggled, the image of that man seared in my brain.

When he saw me trying to get away, he crashed his lips on mine, taking my breath and any words I wanted to say to reject him. I tried to tug on the hands that kept me in place, but he wouldn't let go. His grip was vice-like. When he parted his lips to breath, I was able to whimper out "stop".

After I said that, he went to kiss me again, but he was pulled off me by someone yanking on his collar. There, holding the bewildered Noburu, was Kaga, rage painting his face. Embarrassed and afraid, I covered my mouth to hide my tears and sobs, darting by them, careful not to fall in my short heels as my legs shook.

~~~~~~

Bored out of my mind with all the aristocratic assholes Katsumi's sister was friends with, I decided to find the servant I found so fun to tease. My gaze flew around the room to find women surrounding most of the men from the PSD, except Goto who looked as bored as I was. Then, my gaze found the glass balcony doors and the woman I'm looking for. She was talking to a man, someone who looked dishevelled and not belonging to this group of people. Then, I noticed the tremble in her lip and her wide, astonished eyes watering out of... fear? I decided to head over and check if everything was alright.

When I opened the door, the man pounced on Katsumi, holding her face as he kissed her. A feeling in my stomach lit up my jealousy and anger as I watched them, but Katsumi seemed to be responding. I couldn't really tell when his hands were covering most of her face and his body was covering the rest of her.

As I turned to leave, I heard a low, high-pitched sound.

"Stop."

I spun around in a second, storming forward and gripping the back of the man's collar before yanking him off, possibly choking him in the process. I glared at him before checking to see if Katsumi was okay. Tears were falling down her face and the lipgloss she had on was smudged. Her hair was a mess and her knees were cowering a little. When she noticed what happened, her hand flew to her face and she ran back inside.

"Dude, what the hell?" The man who assaulted her frowned and my enraged glare returned to him. That was when I noticed it was the guy Katsumi used to work with at that club. I remembered watching her bend over the bar to talk to him, noticing how high her dress rode up her thighs, just shy of flashing everyone there. I growedl, remembering how much trust she must have had to talk to him the way Ayumu said she did.

"Get out or I concave your face." I threatened, dropping his collar. He was angry at first but when he saw how likely it was for me to do it, he ran to the front door.

~~~~~~

Stepping out of the bathroom, having cleaned myself up and calmed myself down enough to stop crying, I got to work; cleaning up the bottles and cans surrounding the room- mainly to distract myself. The party was still in full swing and I didn't want to ruin my sister's special moment. I could suck it up for now. All I wanted was for Noburu to be gone.

"Hey, idiot." A quiet voice erupted from behind me as I grabbed a few glass bottles from the counter in the kitchen, which was pretty vacant. I quickly recognised it at Kaga.

"I don't want to talk about it," I grumbled, not caring who he was in that moment.

"I kicked him out." He announced. 

‘At least that's a relief.’ I sighed, feeling my tears return as I remembered how he had touched me. I trusted him. If he knew I had a breakdown the last time I had seen him, why would he still do that?

"Okay. I still don't want to talk about it." I complained, moving back and forth from the bin and the sink with trash and dishes to clean up later.

"Katsumi," Kaga said, but I ignored him, no matter how much him saying my name made my heart flutter. "Hey, moron." He grabbed my wrist as I dropped a few wooden skewers into the trash and spun me to see him.

"I'm not going to talk about it because I’ll cry. I'm not going to cry at my sister's baby shower." I gritted my teeth, returning his stern glare to try and make myself feel tougher.

"Why are you crying then?" He smirked and I sneered, noticing the wet drop roll down my cheek. I rushed to catch it with my unclaimed hand.

"He looks like one of them. Or he reminds me, anyway." I pouted, looking away from my instructor as he continued to hold my wrist. I'm sure he could feel my pulse race as my fear returned, mixed with the excitement of how close he was. I struggled to control my emotions when his grip tightened. I wasn’t intimidated. It was almost comforting, encouraging me to spill my guts right there in my sister's kitchen.

Suddenly, I was pulled towards him and enveloped in warmth and his scent. Slightly smokey, although whatever cologne he used did a good job of covering it up. I tried to look up from the chest I was being pushed against, but his hand settling on my head forced my gaze forward. My heart was pumping blood to my cheeks at an alarming rate and it was so loud I couldn't hear his. The pent up frustration I felt towards Noburu broke free from the weak dams I put up and my tears fell fast. My fist clenched on Kaga’s chest, angry that I had let someone I hardly knew so close. Before, I would have never gone out 'dates' with someone I enjoyed the company of- although I didn't really think of them in that way. I would have closed myself in my home, trying to keep to myself, not wanting to grow connections in case my father found me and I would have to leave everyone I had grown to love. It made it harder to justify how much safer I and those people would be if I left. I was mad at myself for letting go.

Suddenly, someone cleared their throat in the doorway of the kitchen. I darted back, making sure to turn my back to wipe my eyes before turning back to cleaning, pretending like nothing had happened. "Juna wants to cut the cake." It was Ayumu who spoke up, walking over to the fridge, between me and Kaga. Too afraid to talk in case my voice wavered, I nodded and walked out the room, heading to the table everyone was surrounding.

~~~~~~

The party pretty much drew to a close after the gender reveal. It's a girl, but no one's surprised. Juna had been going on about it for weeks. Even before they could tell what the gender was. 

"I'm gonna have a little Katsu of my own!" Juna cried with joy as she sat in front of the pile of gifts in front of her.

"At least give her a similar name. It'll be confusing if you give her the same as mine." I complained, picking up the wrapping paper she threw around the room. Thanks to my silent moment with Kaga, I was able to calm down enough to act normal for the rest of the party. All the instructors had gone home and it was just us and Kanto.

"Hey, are you okay?" Kanto asked as I walked into the kitchen with a trash bag  in hand. He was cleaning the dishes while Juna enjoyed herself to her heart's content. I nodded, hoping I wasn't giving any signals that said otherwise.

"Well... I, um... I saw Noburu earlier." His voice was low, scared that if he told me he'd set me off again. I froze mid-way picking up the trash and recovered as quickly as possible.

"Yeah, he... He kissed me." My own voice was also low, afraid that if I said it aloud it would cement the end of our friendship. Kanto spun around to look at me and I tried to stop frowning. "It's fine... Kaga got him off me before I could spiral." I bit my lip, continuing my cleaning to distract myself.

"I'm sorry." Is all I hear Kanto mumble as I escape the room.

~~~~~~

That night, I returned to the dorm but found that I didn't want to sleep yet. My mind was racing, the ring my mother left for us in my fingertips as I sat on my couch. I looked for an engraving in the inside of the band. Nothing. The clear crystal, which I'm sure was a diamond; too small for me to tell if there was anything odd going on. There were several smaller ones dotted around it.

"Could it be to do with the make? Well, it's not like I can tell." I sighed. I hardly wore jewellery anyway. I was hopeless trying to find clues. "Maybe the detectives on the case discovered something?" I got up and made my way to one of the common rooms to use a computer.

It was the dead of night, so silent I thought I might have gone deaf. Luckily, the hallway lights were always on. Pulling out a chair, I brought the file up before I even sit down. The notes say that they found wording embedded in the jewels. Nano-sized. But they couldn't make any sense of it.

"Juno charges towards Juna, aiming for Katsu."

‘Well, that's not cryptic all.’ I sighed, slightly stunned to find both my and my sister's names. I decided my best bet would be to look up the meaning behind our names. 

‘As a boy's name, Katsu means victory. Juna means woods and south. Could there be a battle in the woods or something?’ I frowned my brows, feeling wildly out of my depths and kind of silly for looking such things up on a school computer. Looking up the address of the murder, I looked at Google Maps because I knew I wouldn't be able to travel anywhere anytime soon. I dragged the picture south as far as I could, but nothing caught my eye. 

The woman murdered, my mother's friend, it seemed, was found in a lake just outside Tokyo. Surrounded by woods.

"Oh?" I gasped when I s awthat there were cabins for sale in those same woods. They had been around for years, it seemed, and a community had been made there. With a small supermarket and diners, it looked like a 20 person village.

"Could she..?" I led off, wondering if my mother could have moved there to hide. "No, she'd be too close." But the fact irked me in a way that I wanted to check. There was a link to the real estate agents website. There, I found a phone number. Without thinking much, I called it, not considering how late after office hours it was.

"Thank you for calling Juna Estate Agents. We are always happy to answer your questions, but you've caught us after office hours. We open at 8 am every day, so please don't hesitate to ca-!" I hang up before the woman's voice on the voicemail can finish.

‘I shouldn't be doing this.’ I think. I know. I shouldn't be tempting myself with the idea. It would only get my hopes up and I'd only come crashing down when I exhausted all the leads I might find. 

"She's dead." I reminded myself, pushing my father's questions to the back of my head, and turned off the computer.

~~~~~~~~~~

Monday came around and I was particularly exhausted. The last two nights had been the worst I had had in a while and I almost fell asleep cutting my own hair. 

Heading to the cafeteria, notebook in hand, looking down at the floor, I was almost sleepwalking. Thankfully, I was pulled out of my dream-like state by a certain excitable morning person.

"Katsumi, you look so cute!" Naruko squealed upon seeing my now short hair. It was cut just shy of my shoulder, hugging the ear I pulled it behind. My hair was still white, too scared to dye it again in case I messed something up. Juna was always the one that did it for me and I didn't want to bother her.

"Thanks. It's easier to maintain this way." I laughed uneasily, hiding the true reason I prefered it short. My 'uncles' liked pulling on my hair. It’s hard to grab when it's like this. With a skip in her step, Naruko pulled me into the cafeteria.

"What's got you in a good mood?" I asked as we sat down, putting my heavy eyelids to the back of my mind.

"Chiba bought me a gift just because. It was so cute." She squealed, holding her cheeks as if her smile hurt. I cocked my head.

"Why’s he buying you gifts?" I asked before taking a spoonful of cereal.

"Oh shit, I didn't tell you?" She gasped and I shook my head, still chewing. "We're dating."

Instantly, I started choking at the gasp of air I took in when she told me. She asked me if I was okay and I put up a singular finger to tell her I'd just need a minute to recover.

"Si-Since when?" Taking the napkin she held out for me, I quickly wiped the milk covering the sides of my lips. I tried to ignore the fascinated stares of the male population around us.

"Hmm, a couple of months, I think? You'd have to ask him, he's the one that keeps track of it all." She waved of her unbothered-ness and continued eating as if I hadn't almost just died. "That reminds me, how was the party?"

Blushing, I tried to push the memory of Kaga holding me to the side as I reported how utterly bored I was for the rest of the event. "Her friends are all musicians, so they were mainly talking about their next concerts. Someone asked Juna if she was returning to the orchestra and she started balling." I forced a chuckle, really feeling sorry for my sister who couldn't accomplish the dream she wanted. She would have to settle to play for us and her daughter when she's old enough to play herself. I was sure Juna would push the joys of playing an instrument on her, or any future children she intended on having.

"What about the instructors?" Her wiggling eyebrows were enough to tell me she thought something kinky happened. I blushed but said I didn't notice because I was so busy. "You sure?" She dragged out her question, sliding into the seat next to mine, peering into my face. I stuffed my mouth with the rest of my cereal and jumped up, pointing to the door like I was  in a rush to get to class. "You can't hide from me, Katsumi! I'm trained for this!"

~~~~~~

At the end of the day, I was sitting in the Instructor's Staff Room as usual, but couldn’t concentrate on my work. In the silence, my mind kept trailing to that clue my mother supposedly left for me. ‘Should I go looking for her? What if I end up leading someone to her? Could she be alive?’

As I thought, I didn't notice Kaga talking. Suddenly, I feel a blow on the back of my head and I jumped. "What're you spacing out for?" He glared down at me and I blushed an apology. When I tried to go back to work, he grabbed the arm of my spinning chair and directed it towards him, pinning me down by grabbing the other side.

"Are you still hung up on that kiss?" He whispered, his face incredibly close, gaze so strong I felt like I couldn't look away. "I can give you one if it helps you forget." The smirk on his face told me he was teasing, but I couldn't help my imagination run wild. 

‘He's your instructor, Katsumi” That's not appropriate.’ I told myself off and shook my head 'no'.

"What're you spacing out for then?" He kept interrogating me, making no move to back down.

"I... I didn't get much sleep last night." I muttered, scared if I talked too loud I would stutter over every word.

"You have your pills. Take them." He demanded and I looked away, embarrassed I needed help to even sleep. I felt pathetic. When I didn't respond, Kaga stood up straight and returned to his office. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and returned to work, completely forgetting about any possibility of finding my mother.

~~~~~~

Working away at my desk, trying to distract myself from any thought about the woman sitting just outside my office, Ayumu stormed in with a stern look on his face.

"Someone keeps accessing a case file on the database." He dropped the papers on my desk after making sure the door was closed behind him. I looked down and found a solved case from over a decade ago. "I looked at the security cameras pointing at the computer used and guess who I found." He slapped another sheet down with a dishevelled and tired-looking Katsumi pictured on it. My brows furrowed at this suspicious behaviour.

"I'll deal with it." Wanting to be the first one to hear her explanation, I slid the files into my desk. Ayumu's brows flickered together before he realised what I said. I glared up at him, daring him to argue, but instead, he excused himself, walking right back out the door as fast as he came in.

~~~~~~

"I can't believe we were caught making out on security cameras!" Naruko, almost giddily, cries out after telling me an instructor had confronted both her and Chiba about inappropriate behaviour in the common rooms. Apparently, they were getting hot 'n' heavy before escaping to her room and they got caught. Although, that's not the part of the story I was fretting over.

‘I would have been caught sneaking on the computers in the middle of the night. Are there rules against that?’ I have to stop myself from pulling at my hair as I freaked out. Kaga or Ayumu would have gladly said something if I was doing anything wrong. ‘Should I come clean before they need to? No, that's a horrible idea. I'd be admitting my own guilt.’ I shook my head at my internal conversation, Naruko too self-absorbed to realise. She was walking to me the Instructor's Staff Room before lunch because I was tasked with delivering some papers to Kaga. ‘Oh god, what if this is an excuse to get me here?’

~~~~~~~~

At lunch, Katsumi knocked on the door of my office. Her head peeked in first, her short bob only leaning slightly. I found that style on her so sexy. Her white hair against her fair skin. Her neck on display for every man to see. I had to stop myself from staring her into the ground as she approached my desk with light steps, scared for some reason. That's when I remembered the case file she was caught staring at.

"Instructor Akiyame asked me-."

"What were you doing looking at these?" I cut her off, pulling the papers out and dropping them in front of me as she put the stack she had down. She froze, staring at the first page like it had just threatened her life. I watched her gulp, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear, giving herself time to think. She couldn't look at the glare I had on my face and I couldn't say I wasn’t amused. She'd been caught and she knew it, thinking she could just magic her way out of here by not answering me? No way.

Standing up, I walked around the desk to meet her gaze. She stumbled back, but I could tell she wasn’t terrified. Not like that guy at the party. Her eyes were wide, but not with fright. It was almost curiosity that pulled her in. She gulped again as I cornered her into the desk.

Just as I was about to ask again, she announced her reasonings. "My... My mother was a witness in that case." She bit her lip, turning away and her hair fell, blocking my view of that innocent guilty expression. I was almost annoyed that I got to miss it. I knew she had more to say, the absence in the movement of her chest told me she's holding her breath, waiting for me to push her further.

"She left me a ring before she ran away. It was a piece of evidence." She continued to report as I dropped a hand either side of her on my desk. She leaned so far back she might as well have been sitting on the surface. I looked down and her thigh in the tight trousers of the academy uniform widened as she pressured backwards.

"I thought she was dead... But my... My father kept asking me where she was... So I got curious." Her voice was trembling now, so I knew she was remembering her time in that underground torture chamber. My eyes narrowed, heart-stopping when I heard her frail noises. It angered me that she had to go through that. For her whole life. And it angered me that I didn't try looking for her when she didn't show up in the hotel. I had an inkling that something was up. A body can't be incinerated like that, no matter how much of the building went up in flames. I should have followed my instincts, but I let Ishigami's facts get the better of me. Our Chief even had to talk me down. I was so angry at her for running in. It was such a stupid move. Even still, I remembered her saving me. Even if some people told me it could have been a hallucination caused by the lack of oxygen I was getting because of all the smoke I had inhaled. I never let Ishigami change my actions. So, why did I then?

It was even harder when we found the woman at the club who looked just like her. The only thing that was different was her hair colour and the way she acted when we were far from her. She was comfortable, completely in her element as she pushed that guy into the bar. She almost seemed bored by the constant string of criminal activities in that club. I almost believed it wasn't her when she stood on the foothold of the stool and bent over the bar to get close and personal with the bartender, her dress just covering her most discreet place. 

Yet, I saw the fluster on her cheeks when she turned to confront the suspicious man in the club she was meant to protect. I’ll be honest, I didn't think she had it in her to entice a man like that. On purpose. Not like the way she's intrigued me. Her unconscious movements and reactions to the way I treated her was a force that I hadn't enjoyed before. I always found myself wondering how far I could push her before she got mad and stormed away, not afraid to take the work I had given her before I even finished my demands.

I backed up when I heard her sniff. Her arm darted in front of her eyes so I couldn't see and I started to feel guilty that I was the cause of it. 

"I keep telling myself that she's dead, but I can't help thinking that she's out there. I even called this estate agent, using the clue in that ring, but it was too late at night and I backed out." She was pouring her heart out to me as she cried, still hiding her true pain from me. I sighed, wrapping my arms around her because it seemed like it helped her. She grabbed the sleeve of my arm. Not to push away, but to help support herself.

‘Moron.’ I wasn’t calling her one, she was perfectly allowed to be reacting like this. She was a broken girl who went through a traumatic event. I was blaming myself for feeling the feelings that I was. I noticed the way she bit the tip of her thumb when she was stressed, not because of an interrogation tactic, but because her frowning brows looked so cute. I noticed the way she lifted her glasses onto her head the second she could because she got so annoyed by them. I noticed the way she could just brush Ayumu's teasing off and how she had grown so used to all the men in the academy talking to her. She had calmed down since the beginning of the year, when she couldn't even sit down on a bed next to me. 

Now that I think about it, maybe that was for a different reason as well? She was always so cautious, so willing to prove herself to everyone else, I wondered how she would react if she knew how I felt? How I thought about her at night when I finally got a moment of silence away from Four Eyes or sudden changes to my schedule.

My gaze fell to the back of her neck, exposed under the hair that floated over her shoulders and I was angry with myself that that was how I reacted in the moment. It wasn’t appropriate and not okay. And, even though I say that, I couldn't help but be happy that I was the one that could hold her. I was the one that could back her up into a wall and tease her. She wouldn't tell me off, not like she did to Ayumu when he got too personal. I was the one that knew how her outdated sense in music calmed her down. I might not have known how much she was struggling, but I knew how to help her.

~~~~~~~~~

As I stood in Kaga's arms again, I couldn't help but think how safe I felt with him. His arms were so strong and his chest was hard but soft. The heat radiating off him would otherwise be unbearable but the way his breath blew on the back of my neck as I cried into him, it was tolerable. The cigarette smell mixed in with cologne didn't bite at my nose the same way my father did, he only ever smelt like the acidic stench cigars gave him. The glares he gave me were more encouraging than anything, daring me to do better. The way he held me on missions may be temporary and full of the facade we were trying to portray, but my heart raced every time. Sure, whenever a guy got into my personal space I'm embarrassed, unused to a towering figure that could be kind and protective, but with Kaga, it was different. I didn't know how, but it just was.

However, embarrassment quickly consumed me. I'm reminded of how unprofessional this was. I was meant to be a student learning to be a detective. Not a little girl who cried every time she got in her head. 

Taking a deep breath, I drew back and Kaga eased his grasp but didn't fully let me go. I looked up at him with an uneasy gaze and there was a look in his eyes that I didn't recognise. It was almost scary. He was the devil Instructor, so who's surprised? But this... This was different. It was the look he had when he pulled Noburu off me and I wanted to run away from it, too ashamed for him to see me act so deplorable.

Inching back further, he seemed to come to his senses and let me go entirely. The cool rush of loneliness almost made me miss it. Almost.

I was about to apologise for how I had been acting when the school bell rang, signally the end of our lunch break. 

"Moron, don't just stand there, get moving." Kaga’s expression had turned into a scowl again and he hit the side of my head with the papers I had previously set down. The light hud reminded me of how he hadn't done that since I returned. Had he been holding off until he knew I was completely healed? And he insulted me, something he had also been easing back into. I likeed the push of encouragement and my tears dried quicker than I would have liked. It was so childish to calm down so quickly. Almost like I was having a tantrum and someone just gave me a piece of candy. With the knowledge of that, I blushed and bowed before running out of the office, having dried my face on my sleeve.

[eternadyne]

the things we once did, the things we once said. / short story for @lunaetis

I. / words of regret.

The bloodcurdling cry of a Kyuubi resonates strongly throughout the field — its near-lifeless body jerking forward and back from the weight of his blade lodged deep in its head. Like all living beings, including ones biologically immaterial, nature demands to be obeyed when death draws near; and as her valiant executioner, slayer of gods and all divine abominations, he does not spare this one even a moment of reprieve.

Ultimately, it comes crashing to the ground with an unceremonious thud, its core soon devoured whole for both his arc’s nourishment and his own personal research into the mysteries of retro oracle cells. He jumped down from its corpse before it inevitably dissipated into nothingness.

All the while, she lay in front of where the beast had once been with a look of pure petrification; her gun still pointed upward, and her hand still on the trigger, even though there were no more bullets left inside. She was breathing hard and fast, like she’d just seen a ghost — or rather, her own life flash right before her eyes.

I....could’ve died.

Soma approached her not long after, though not exactly in the way she had expected.

“...What were you thinking?” he said ——— his voice cold and laced with venom, a quiet anger most reminiscent of their days in the 1st Unit. He stared at her hard, a gaze mixed with frustration and...hurt?

Alisa remained quiet for a moment, wanting to choose her words carefully; knowing that he wasn’t happy with that she’d done, as was evident in his tone. Still, she wasn’t the type to not stand her own ground when it came to explaining herself and her (split-second) decisions.

“I was only doing what I felt was right,” she responded, dusting herself off and standing up straight. “And when I saw Kyuubi about to literally pounce on you, I—“

“—Fired shots to distract it, revealing your own position in the process. Even though I told you not to until I had it properly cornered.”

(The original plan, after all, was to have Kyuubi think Soma was his only opponent so all its attacks would focus on him. Alisa was meant to stay hidden at a distance, and wait for him to corner and stun it — that was when she was supposed to fire, and officially join the fray. The idea was to overwhelm the beast to the point where it had no time to REACT.)

However, its overall execution left much to be desired. That Kyuubi was much more aggressive than what Soma was used to—which said a lot, considering he fought them often—and gave him a hard time. It was faster, stronger and tossed him around like a little rag doll. Alisa acted purely out of instinct—and fear—once she saw that he couldn’t handle that fight all on his own anymore. She shot the damned thing a few times in the face, watching it stagger back, shake its head, and glare at her now revealed position with eyes scorching with hot-blooded wrath.

By the time Soma had eventually gotten up to catch his breath, the monster was already making a deadly beeline toward her. He shouted her name in horror, having cursed himself for not having the range to gain back his enmity the moment he’d lost it. By the time he did, he hardly had any strength left in his body. Only enough to finally subdue that heinous creature...

“...Your only job was to stay out of sight until it was safe to come out. You had no business putting yourself in danger like that.”

Alisa blinked in momentary astonishment, appalled that he would even say that before a simple thank you. The nerve of some people...

“No business?” She snapped back. “So you wanted me to just stand here and do nothing? Stand by and watch you get eaten alive? Because if I hadn’t shot at it sooner, you’d be dead!”

”Had your shot been off, so would you! Don’t you realize you nearly jeopardized the entire mission?”

”The mission you couldn’t even handle on your own, you mean?”

They went back and forth for what felt like forever, going around in circles out in the open. Anything could’ve sprang up and ambushed them at any time — but it seemed even the aragami themselves did not want to step into the crossfire of their quarrel. At some point, Alisa had enough of trying to get through that thick skull of his - dropping her god arc and running her hands through her hair in utter frustration.

“Goddammit! Why can’t you get it through your head that you’re not invincible, Soma? You can’t keep expecting people to just stand by and do nothing if they see you’re clearly struggling! Did you already forget that you’re not alone anymore?”

“I haven’t forgotten a damned thing — I’m only doing what’s best for everyone else by not getting them involved.”

“...By sacrificing yourself all for some research? Is that your idea of doing us all a favor?”

...He fell silent rather quickly, having nothing at all to say to that. Perhaps it was because he was guilty as charged; or, he didn’t want to admit that she was right about his martyr-like behavior lately. He may have gotten better in the years that passed, but old habits still died hard - and he would still fall for them, from time to time.

“You can go ahead and call me what you want, since you know so much—immature, naïve, idiotic, whatever—but if I see someone I love in danger, I’ll be damned if I just watch them die on me. ...You... you....”

....mean too much to me. Losing my family was enough. I don’t want to lose you too. I won’t, I won’t—

“...Alisa...?”

Just before Soma could question her further by what she meant—his eyes wide and his lips parted in shock—his receiver suddenly crackled to life with the voice of a Cradle operative, wholly unaware of the situation she had just interrupted. He held his hand to his ear to listen in, brows furrowed to such a degree that they formed a visible crease.

“...Yeah, we’re already done here. Heading back now.”

Silence hung over the both of them for a little while longer when he looked back at her — conflicted, as he wanted to say something, but ultimately couldn’t say a thing. He wasn’t even sure if she realized all of what she had said, but...

...No. Maybe she didn’t mean it like that.

“Let’s just... go back.”

II. / words of hesitation.

The ride back to Cradle’s base was painfully quiet. In the passenger’s side of the jeep, she’s careful not to look him directly in the eyes while he drives along the non-existent road — choosing to instead gaze out into the nothingness of the world around her, crawling with monsters who’ve yet to make themselves (publically) known. Wondering if this was all that life had left to offer these days.

Fighting off hoards of aragami day by day, never knowing when one mission would be their last. Fighting for the right to live, and never to simply enjoy it for what it was. Alisa, as well as countless others her age, had never known anything more beyond the wasteland that was left behind since the 2050’s. Everything from the old world was simply.... lost to time.

That all being said, it made the mere semblance of normalcy all the more desirable to her — some sort of happiness that she could grasp ahold of in the midst of endless misery.

How she found that in a man like him, she’d never know ——— but ever since Cradle’s formation, where they had to start working together more closely, she bore witness to parts of him that few else ever saw. To most these days, he was still somewhat intimidating in spite of his (much) calmer nature - but he was also still stubborn, and quick to irritate if orders weren’t being followed properly. Even to the point of full blown anger...

...Yet, at the same time, Alisa was no stranger to the reason why. It was because he cared so much for his friends—even if he didn’t say it—that the thought of them dying under his command must’ve haunted him every day, especially before a big mission. He wanted to rid the world of the aragami just as much as any other person, and his determination shone through in the extensive research projects he had begun within Cradle to further that goal.

And the little things he did, from smiling at her, to calling her name, to saying he’d have her back...even putting a hand on her shoulder to tell her she did a good job... it made her feel... special. It made her feel...

...Loved.

Being around him only made her more self-conscious about herself as a result — what does he think of me; and would he ever see me as something more? Childish thoughts, maybe, but she couldn’t help it. She loved him, and she knew it.

So it pained her whenever they had big fights like this - it hurt to disappoint him, when he had so much faith in her skill and abilities. But at the same time, it hurt to still watch him do things alone, to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders as if it were his own burden to bear.

How do I get it through your head that you don’t need to throw your life away? That I need you here with me? Selfish thoughts, maybe, but she couldn’t help it. She loved him, and she knew it.

It’d probably be easier to be straightforward and ask him on the spot — whether he was messing with her or not, planting these seeds of doubt in her heart with naught more but his drive and determination; his smile, his laughter, his willingness to give his all.

In time, Alisa felt she could. That she would finally grasp the happiness stolen away from her since childhood, and exist in this world without fear of loneliness or a bitter end. Being with him made her realize that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

All she had to do was tell him. All she had to do was go for it. All she has to do was say...

...I love you, Soma Schicksal. With all of my heart.

III. / words of resonance.

And such, as the years went on, would always remain true. Even when, at one time, the world around them was dyed in hues of neutral monochrome — a crossroads of both the tangible and intangible, as she only existed within it due to her high resonance with him; bypassing the restrictions barring the Hounds and anyone else out from stepping into the deep recesses of his own memory. A graveyard of guilt and suffering, tended to by the very aragami that lived inside of him from birth.

The aragami that wanted her gone from this place - because only he could free Soma from his pain, by devouring him and letting him roam the world without any more regrets. Mindless and murderous as he would no doubt become, it would be better than continuing to live so miserably with his memories.

Alisa, naturally, could not accept that — hell, she outright refused. Though aware of the good intent that lay within the heart of aragami half, to rid his vessel of the very memories that shaped him into the man he was today—the one she loved dearly, and who loved her in return—would be no different than simply killing him with his own hands.

Having seen his many memories in pursuit of the truth, she became fully aware of how the Calamity came to be - the fatal project that should never have been tested so soon, and of the scientists who betrayed her beloved out of impatience and greed. She became fully aware of the reason why he had chosen to live a double life as ‘Ein’ for so long. All this, he endured alone, while she remained and served as the branch director of a now fallen Fenrir.

All this, he couldn’t handle on his own - and so, without any strength left to stave off his aragami half from taking over, Soma could not stop the beastly transformation that swallowed him whole when he tried to tell her to run away. He had grown to a massive size, appearing as a snow white Dyaus Pita whose presence could shake the entire world. ...The true form of the world’s first god eater.

The only way to save him, at that point, was to fight — but throughout it all, as she maneuvered around the field to dodge his semi-mindless attacks, his distraught voice rang out in the open - a loud, booming reverberation, shaking the very foundation of his resonance area.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Everything I did, I only made things worse for you.

”No, you didn’t!” she shouted back, unsure if he could even hear her in that hellish state. “Don’t start saying those things now... it isn’t true...!”

He had swiped once, twice, and three times with his claws in an effort to snare her beneath his colossal weight—his aragami half telling him to kill her, while the other begged him to stop; internally watching in horror as she’s only able to dodge all but one of them, and it sends her flying to the other end of the room. It hurt like hell — and when Soma saw this in the midst of his fight for control, trying so hard to save his sense of self from being devoured from the inside, his reaction was so visceral that his beastly body howled and wailed; actions that not even his other half could stop him from doing.

Please, go...! I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to kill you. Go before... before I...!

Though her lip had been busted and bloodied, Alisa still found the strength to stagger back up and stand tall again — her finger resting on her gun’s trigger as she raised it up in the air. She simply wasn’t the type to back down when cornered. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart, but I won’t. I’m not leaving this place until I get you back.”

And so, as she herself remembered, the fight had simply gone on - much longer than she usually spent with an aragami of that caliber, purely because it was also her husband trapped in there. Even with all the odds and possibilities stacked against her, she knew that she could end this without killing him - she knew that she could bring him back, because he was still hanging on by a thread against the influence of his other half.

Shots were fired and blows were traded, each displaying marvelous feats of strength in their own way. Alisa with her speed and power, and Soma with his beastly form exhibiting the same prowess in melee that he had as a human — with the addition of now being able to summon pools of crimson light no differently than those known as the great SKY FATHER.

The victor wouldn’t be decided until there came a great BURST of light — a bullet to pierce the very heavens itself, shot cleanly through the gloom to hit Soma in the shoulder. He staggered back, feeling his bonds break, and shatter the connection between beast and man. From his throat came a roar of grave agony, as if thrown into the flames of hell for all of eternity.

Soma had inevitably fell to his knees and onto the surface of his resonance area when all had been said and done; his long, disheveled hair obscuring most of his face as Alisa had quickly rushed over to see if he was alright. Sitting down on her roughed-up knees, she drew him toward her lap and held his head to her chest ——— waiting, waiting, and waiting for him to awaken. She had hope from the heartbeat she could still hear.

                                             “Hey, sleepyhead... I’m right here.”

Soma lay quietly in her embrace as he stirred slowly out of unconsciousness sometime later, clothed only by her jacket thrown over him like a blanket; exhaustion evident in his expression, as his transformation had nearly sapped all his strength—and by extension, his own life.

Still, he had the strength to look up and smile, as though surprised (and happy) to see her. He couldn’t believe that either of them had survived ——— until finally taking note of her lips, and her many bruises. His smile withered away, and became a look of guilt and concern. 

                                                       “Alisa...your face...”

Despite her wide smile, it also gave away her clear exhaustion from her injuries as well. ...It had been a long fight, after all. She was just happy to have him back, without having to resort to ending his life. Don’t worry about my wounds - they’ll heal with time.

“I’m only glad that you’re alright now. ...Nothing hurts, does it?” came her ever soft murmur - brushing a few loose strands out of his face to gaze upon him more clearly. “I tried to aim for the not-so vital areas as much as I could.”

There was a low hum of contemplation, before he closed his eye and grinned. “...I’m alright, but... you could’ve shot me a little less,” he mumbled, jokingly. From all of the bullets she fired at him———maybe she overdid it; just a little———he would surely still be feeling some of them for a few weeks.

Alisa’s cheeks reddened slightly in embarrassment, but she still laughed it off anyway. “Well - it was either that, or become your lunch; and I didn’t have any interest in being a midday snack.”

“Heh. That’s fair.”

Frozen in time, and in one another’s eyes, they stayed like that for a little while longer. 

iv. / words of promise.

Knowing all she had done for him over the years, it was sometimes hard for him to believe that she still loved him, in spite of his flaws and most blatant shortcomings.

He felt awful for always being the one that needed to be saved, or reminded constantly that he wasn’t all alone anymore. He felt awful for the things he used to say, when fear and paranoia over losing her had driven him up a wall. He felt awful for having left her behind prior to the Calamity - desiring naught but her safety around those that had yet to know of their (intimate) connection; even if that meant pretending to be a dead man.

...What right did he have to call himself a husband, let alone a lover? He could not even repay her for all she’d done for him.

That was why Soma came from behind to wrap his arms around her waist that night — burying his face in the crook of her neck, feeling her jump in surprise before slowly relaxing in his hold.

”What’re you up to, Doctor Schicksal?” she purred, leaning back into his late night embrace beneath the covers. “I thought I already had my appointment with you tonight.”

”Mm, you couldn’t have. Not without the prescription.”

Once upon a time, she told him of how she thought of him as her sun; and when he had asked her why (confusion written all over his face), she had told him it was because he made her world brighter and warmer. Though his doubts toward being seen in this way remained, he was nonetheless tired of never living up to her standard. He had to do better, for both her and himself.

”I love you,” he told her, murmuring it in her ear so that chills would prick her skin. “...And I’m sorry for all those years that I never pulled my own weight. That I never told you that enough.”

Her playful nature shifted to something closer to that of awe — not quite sure where this was coming from, even if hearing those words did give her chills. ”Oh, Soma...you know there are other ways to tell someone you love them ——— saying it isn’t the only way.”

”I know, I know... but I still think I should say it verbally more often.” He drew her closer, holding her tenderly in his arms. “For saving my life twice, to never giving up on me...I am who I am now because of you.”

Because of her, he was able to live - because of her, he was able to love. That in itself was the greatest gift she could ever give. And he wouldn’t dare take it for granted.

Alisa, meanwhile, was practically on the moon - pleasantly surprised that he was so talkative on this subject, but not complaining in the slightest. “If that’s what you want to do, then I won’t stop you,” she whispered, turning around in his arms so that she faced him fully. “That being said... I’m still waiting on my prescription.”

”You ought to stop while you’re ahead on those jokes before you get nothing,” he replied - hardly serious about it, as he laughed when he saw her pout; smiling as he then kissed her ‘neath the light of a full moon.

[necrocoleum]

🪐 & 🕹

Word Vomit-

1. What's your favorite astral body?

Oh shit, that's a tough one they're all so pretty. Jupiter has a lot of really nice moons like Europa! Also, Pluto is cool bc it's the coldest but like. Red. 

2. Do you play video games?

Sometimes! I’ve always liked video games, but I didn't get my first console until 2016 which was a Nintendo DS that was gifted to me by a friend so I'm way behind everyone else when it comes to experience playing. Pokemon is one of my favorites to this day bc of that DS. In 2017 ish I thought I wanted to be a game dev bc the idea of seeing my creations come to life in an interactive way was absolutely thrilling. Turns out I wasn’t really cut out for it, but I might still try to learn how to 3D model bc turns out that's a really good skill to have. I’ve loved lots of video games without really playing a good chunk of them? SOMA is another personal favorite bc horror and the philosophical discussion on what it means to be human. I was a huge Overwatch fan for a while, you can probably see some REALLY OLD Overwatch art from 2017, back when I was still drawing traditionally (I only started drawing digitally in summer 2019... which is probably why my account can be so confusing- I've had people think I'm a new account bc I only recently started interacting with fandoms and posting my art during the pandemic but the truth is I've been on Tumblr since 2013). The current video game that I'm actually playing actively and enjoying is Final Fantasy XIV.  

[shibalen]

oooh can i have a black butler and ohshc matchup? Im female, Im 4'11, im on the chubbi side, I have short dark brown hair with long bangs, Im leaning towards the emo/grunge aesthetic. Personality wise im kinda- mEan & aNgRy (people like to call it being a tsundere 😡🔪), And i think i have top tier humor dude im so hilarious and trauma makes me so much funnier 😌👍. I like to draw, play video games, stuff like that. You wouldnt expect it from me but a despise horror movies 💀 (boy pLs)

♡ matchup for @thedevildrawss

hi! omg i'm so sorry dear for the extremely long wait ꒰๑•̥﹏•̥๑꒱ i started at a new school and had trouble adjusting to the campus. but! enough with the rambles and more with the matchups!

|| Kuroshitsuji: i match you with . . .

Prince Soma

Man oooh man do I love the opposites attract dynamic (๑¯ω¯๑)

Soma thinks you're adorable, both appearance and personality wise. Nothing will change his mind. Learning new aspects about you just makes him dote on you more (if that's even possible) ♡

Rich prince absolutely spoils you with anything you want: video games, outfits, makeup, drawing utensils, you name it he'll get it.

But in return you have to let him rest his head on your lap or he starts whining like an abandoned puppy.

And even if you don't say you want something he'll shower you with extravagant gifs anyway. Stop him pls–

Soma can and will make friends with anyone that has his attention for more than 3 seconds. You'd better believe he claimed you as a friend the first time you met before you even knew what was going on.

Was taken off guard when you were mercilessy mean to him although he was royalty :0 It made him want to get your attention even more.

But ooh boy when this clueless child finally understood his feelings for you he did a 180 and became an awkward bundle of giddy emotions whenever around you.

Apparently the only way to try and seem natural was to act like his old spoiled self (っ﹏-))

Thank goodness Agni was there there to translate.

"Rejoice! Your aesthetics are fit for the eyes of the prince."

" . . . what?"

"He says you are the most beautiful person he has ever met."

No worries though, he got the hang of courting you soon enough.

Gets jelly easily no matter whom you're with and shows it by either a) pouting in a corner or b) becoming even more clingy with you. He's super spoiled and expects to get every last drop of your love and attention so you might have to lovingly knock some sense into him.

Your hobbies facinate him! He's constantly peeking over your shoulder whenever you're drawing, gaping and staring with eyes full of wonder. To him you're more talented than anyone else and makes sure you know that as well.

The pieces you draw for him become more precious than any work of art he could ever purchase with money.

No matter how many times you beat him at video games he will demand a rematch. The only way to wrap it up is to give him a pity win. It's too cute the way he then cheers like he's earned it awww

The first you watched a horror movie together was when he persuaded you into it, all smiles and excitement. By the end of the credits you both had your arms wrapped around each other.

And speaking of, Soma's extremely touchy. He loves how small and soft you are so he takes every opportunity to throw his arms around you. But not in an impure manner! That has to wait until marriage!

Surprisingly emotionally intelligent, especially with you. Soma can easily detect when you're not feeling well and always tries his best to cheer you up. No way are you going to ne consumed by negativity when he's around (๑•̀ω•́)و

You two definitely give me the –"Someone will die" –"Oh, fun!" vibe. It's so perfect the way you compliment each other with your styles and personalities. I ship it!

runner up: Charles Phillips

|| OHSHC: i match you with . . .

Kaoru Hitachiin

Straight to the point: Kaoru's mischievous but more chill than his brother. He can handle both your meanness and anger while still enjoying your humor and laughing with you.

Just want to chill or calm down? Kaoru has a very relaxing air about him that helps you feel better. He'll gently pull you away from your source of anger, sits down with you in your favorite place and runs his fingers through your hair. He'll joke around lightly to distract you from your thoughts. Soft moments (◡ ω ◡)

Sometimes he'll join in on you being mean to someone for fun but doesn't let it go out of hand.

Don't get him wrong though. Up for some good ol' dastardly trickery? This boy is all in.

You drew his attention fairly easily with your behavior, and in all honesty he was a tad scared at first.

However, he got over it quickly and teasing you became his way of flirting when the classics did not seem to have an effect on you.

That is to say he had to give it quite a few attempts before you began warming up to him. But hallelujah were all those rejections worth it ♡

Thinks your style is interesting and wants to dress up with you in matching outfits like . . . all the time. He'll then pull you to his chest, take tons of selfies and send them to the rest of the club to show off.

He plays video games too well. Probably didn't spend much time on them before meeting you but damn he's a quick learner. On more relaxing days playing video games with you is one of his favorite activities!

He will still tease you even if you're mean to him in response. He knows you don't mean it ♡

"Hey, y/n, CaN yOu DrAw Me?"

"Can you go jump off a cliff?"

"But then you would be so lonely without me. You're such a tsundere~"

rip Kaoru

Playfully steals something of yours and since you can't reach it he'll have you give him a kiss to get it back ( ˘ ³˘)

He actually cries very easily so he agrees not to watch any horror movies – not because he's scared but because he doesn't want you to see him sobbing over some cool character dying.

Head pats head pats head pats–

So many tickle fights. Kaoru isn't afraid to sneak up on you and launch a surprise attack. If that's what it takes to hear your laughter.

When you're in a bad mood though he'll be more tactful; wrapping his arms around you from behind to hold you tight, nuzzling his face against your neck, whispering encouraging words into your ear then . . . tickling the heck out of your sides (・∀・)

But despite his antics you can always count on him for support and trust him to be there for you. If you tell him about your trauma he will listen each and every word.

Kaoru will make sure you never go through anything like that again.

Might become a tad too protective of you afterwards but it's up to you whether or not you want him to keep it up (:

The two of you fit together in a way most people have a hard way of understanding, but love is love and Kaoru is facinated by the world you've opened up to him.

runner up: Takashi Morinozuka

thanks for requesting, i hope you liked it! a word of feedback is always welcome ♡

[strudeldoodlearts]

In which Soma’s love/friendship language is treating his guinea pigs squad to amazing creations

While the final arc fell short of expectations, I’m glad to have watched/read Food Wars. I associate the show with great memories, friends, and my housemates. 

I also wanted to draw the main four out of their school/chef uniforms just kinda vibing and being young. Initially I wanted to draw them even more casually with the possibility of reimagining them in an alternate universe as childhood friends who decide to conquer their small town and the world with revolutionary flavors. But the disgusting dish and drawing everyone’s scarred faces was a lot more appealing and understandable in my head.

Also, this is one of the instances (aside from Homestuck, at least until I found out certain plot things) where I legit multiship almost any combination of the four. Hehe~

More ramblings below the cut

Brainstorming the dish went like this: I’ve seen many a post on facebook with angry reactions to dishes featuring an unusual amount of canned beans. Then my mind went ‘JELLY BEANS!’ And then came up with the horrifying idea of legit canned beans in jelly. But I needed to push for more. So I thought of chicken feet in curry instead of chicken while also thinking, “Ah. I could do my trademark hidden-faces kind of doodling here~” And voila. 

Featuring Soma in a squid/lovecraftian horror shirt. For obvious reasons. 

Erina’s pretty level-headed and stubborn but probably a lot more grossed out than she looks. Almost in the way she struggles to admit that she likes Soma’s cooking, haha!

As the most frequent victim to Soma’s experiments, I think poor Megumi is simultaneously amused with the new levels of disgustingness, yet (unfortunately) used to this pattern of events. Hence the traumatized teary smile.

Takumi’s facial expression was low-key the hardest to imagine. He’s in this unique position where he could either be hammier than Soma or the more sane one. 

It also took forever to figure out how to shade the picture in a way that conveyed the omen of disgusting doom. And like with many other fan art doodles, this took a bucketload of time to draw but I think it was worth it!

[altarflame]

Let me give you this real country music breakdown.

Keeping in mind that 2019 involved lots of gut wrenching transition, including divorce and selling my home of 11 years (the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere). Moving away from the tropics, to a place where the ocean is usually too far and my plants can’t live outside through the winter. I had a kid move out and away, for the first time.   My oldest friend also died last August, after a scant 3 month long battle with cancer. It was a real plague upon my proverbial dog, wife, and pickup truck. And, of course, I’m living through a pandemic, and a long overdue but very emotional racial justice uprising, with the rest of you, now. Anyway. OTHER than those things, my 2020 has been like...My sister’s gradually, gut wrenchingly cut off all contact with me over the past couple of years, culminating in the last couple of months, whenst we no longer speaketh at all. I’ve fought hard for this to be different and it’s still very sharp. I don’t think I’ll ever give up hope, or stop making a fool of myself about it. A new friend I was starting to really care about hung herself in April. I’ve tried to be there for her husband and 5 year old daughter when and how I can, which is honestly not much. I’ve taken several people who were scared to go alone, to her grave.  I felt forced to break up with the person I thought was my soul mate, these past 3 years, and wanted to be with forever, and I have grieved it hard over the last couple of months. I’m still processing this. I’m gonna be processing this for awhile. My threshold for being anywhere near him without overwhelming sobbing is apparently approximately 45 seconds. In the beginning we were scrambled together, mixed in a celestial bowl and hand fluffed with a feather. And the tears of bliss were not amiss - it was a good day.  But the story nears the present time Of restlessness and wake up calls Wake up! Years have flown fast but then who's counting The wars have been won but there's few left standing between us And the shadows of Christmas past... Critically acclaimed but sadly underrated - Fortune definitely favored us, but no one celebrated. Our wits were splitting at their ends... We gazed upon the city lights We each laughed aloud one final time and agreed: This is one thing we'll miss... On his way out, he sabotaged my part time foster child’s mom’s tenuous, fragile relationship with me, so I no longer have the ability to connect with or help that child who he brought into my life. Who I love and wonder about and periodically hear horror stories about via mutual friends. I bent over backwards, I burned calories straining for that trust between the mom and myself.  

It’s so terrible sometimes. It hurts so bad. Jean-Paul. LAURA.   *MILLS*  . Coralye. FUCK. This post brought to you with plenty of hard crying, and no shortage of echoing painful music. I’m physically sick about this shit semi often.  I don’t normally let go of anybody, guys. But certainly not my fucking nearest and dearest.  I have a lot. I have SO MUCH. I know this. I feel good a lot of the time.  I have all 5 of my kids under this roof while the pandemic rages on, and they’re all healthy and beautiful and they all love me and talk with me. It’s mostly all cake these days with them, Elise telling me where she is in her own solitary reading for pleasure, Ananda cracking me up, Jake biking to the grocery store for treats to share, Aaron showing me something amazing in the yard, Isaac washing dishes and giving me weirdly helpful and totally unanticipated advice. They’re almost no work now, it’s all return on investment and I have tons of privacy and I use the fuck out of it.  I’m deeply in love with somebody these past 7 months. Being deeply in new love AND devastated-heartbroken about lost love at the same time is honestly dizzying, I spent a first destitute day thinking maybe I can’t do polyamory anymore, period. Maybe this is too fucking much and I’m gonna be alone and focus on my career and my goddamned plants. (<--not fucking really, obv I am not gonna let the pain win and go full hermit. Brief compelling temptation, though.) My career and my plants are great, btw, thanks for asking. I’ve got basically my dream job, it’s flexible and lackadaisical AND meaningful and challenging, it’s salaried with bonuses and hella benefits and amazing job security. It’s the whole thing, the culmination of 6 years in school and unpaid internships and volunteering. I even have a spare PRN position elsewhere that I mostly hang on to because it’s fun when they want me to come make $200 for a shift, to mix it up a little.  And I have solo projects, writing and web and mental health, all in the works, and they’re good.  I have seedlings sprouting. I have a yard that is pure magic, revealing new secrets each day.  I’ve got some of my oldest people, like Jess. I’ve got some exciting new people, like Jill.  The love, did I mention it? Holy shit. I’ve got Sterling, and that is a whole other story. That it’s been this good while things are this bad is pretty astounding. His own drama quotient has been off the charts, too. I almost can’t imagine how wonderful it would be if we weren’t constantly adrift in a sea of bullshit, though I also strongly suspect we both need a certain staggering minimum quota of bullshit. It’s no accident that we met mutually chasing along after the wake of the same madman’s chaos. We’re nursing some deep wounds in each other, waking up some old old hurts and soothing them back down smaller and smaller. Anytime we’re touching it’s either syrupy soma sweet, blazing inferno hot, or a staggering blend of the two - and then we pull apart to try to actually speak with whole brains, and inevitably take turns being baffled, just hilariously relieved, at how easy it is to communicate. We alternate coming at each other on tiptoe, braced, and then feeling confused and just.... amused? Skeptical? that the other is totally able to empathize with what was just said and is accepting it gently.  We don’t have a ton of objective stuff in common, on paper. We’re both very wordy and linguistic, we’re analyzers, we draw unusual people who will feel safe telling us insane things. We’re both hypersexual perverts, chronic pickers, we both wear too much black. It doesn’t go a lot further than that at a glance. We both have PTSD and ironclad outward facing coping skills, nostalgia for the Florida Keys, scientific skepticism mixed with some faith in magic.... we were both brilliant children who felt pretty isolated. But I haven’t ever really felt like anyone is loving me the way I love people, before. I’ve never even felt like anyone else received my love, the same way I intended it, or at least not all of it. It’s like the intensity of what I’m conveying and meaning when I kiss somebody’s cheek, I dunno man, he experiences it. The goofy flowing sense I have, of holding hands, he comments on it all the time. I’m not just like.... alone, in my overwhelm with being touched, or my enthusiasm for sensations, and that is honestly pretty new to me. Sterling is not tolerating my affection for my sake, and I’m still gradually adapting to that with periodic backsliding into hesitance, and unneeded apologies. It’s like we’re totally fluent in the precise same love language, so nothing gets lost, and the feedback loop is instantaneous.  He’s dark inside, but dark like Nine Inch Nail’s A Warm Place. Dark like the womb.  So as I was saying. I have so much. Including a candle that’s about Mills, and is burning behind me, giving me this slipping sense that I need to blow it out, I need to reserve it, it’s gonna be gone soon. This one spans so many feelings, it’s been positive, some new candle would be what, voodoo? Meddling? I don’t know. This one’s been in a drawer, with our ring buried in it (my dragon). What will I do with that ring? What will I do with all this love?  How can I contain so much, anyway? Why can’t anything ever replace anything else? It’s like infinite space, and the empty places just keep throbbing, and it’s like I sprout new spots for new fullness and the cavities pulse on.  I’m deeply grateful for a certain self-completeness I’ve come to understand that I have, and that not everyone does. I am resiliant A-motherfucking-F (<--meta vulgar!). AND YET. OW OW OW.  I’m sitting here trying to exposure therapy my way through my Mills playlist, as I write this, so Spotify can’t surprise me into sads anymore. I’ve gotten already to a place where sometimes i remember positive things purely positively, and laugh and tell a story and it’s ok. I’m bitter as all hell that I can’t even talk to my sister about this breakup, after she had so many stupid goddamned feelings about the relationship itself, about polyamory in general, about ever knowing him (which might have allowed her to help me grieve at all).  Sigh. I love the internet, maybe feel free to send me a message if you’re still reading, whoever the fuck you are <3