#finally at 4am i decided that i didnt want to keep trying to sleep

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[bibbawrites]

Beach Baby - Single Dad!Charlie x Owen

THIS IS PART 4 OF THE SINGLE DAD!CHARLIE SERIES YOU CAN READ PART 1 HERE , THE PREQUEL (PART 2) HERE AND PART 3 HERE 

Request: none

Word Count: 3907 words 😳

Summary: Part 4 of Single Dad!Charlie, Margaux and Charlie reunite with Owen in Hawaii after months apart due to lockdown, just in time for Margaux’s fourth birthday 

Warnings: technically underage drinking, i guess technically i have to warn that this is implied mutual crushing between owen and charlie, if you dont feel comfortable with romantic chowen do not read 

A/N: i couldn’t get this out of my head so i had to write it, and boy did i write it this is the longest non-chaptered fic ive ever written and honestly i could have made it longer but i didnt want it to drag on any more that it already did this is literally more than double the length of my normal fics, i got very carried away

also just a note that i’m not trying to be rude about the fans who met the boys at the airport and i’m sure in real life the boys were happy to stop and chat, but from a parents perspective charlie’s first instinct would be to protect his daughter so i just thought i’d add that. please don’t get upset for that part!

sorry for any mistakes, its 4am and im half asleep trying to read through this to post lol anyways, hope you enjoy! 

Tag List: @happinessinthedarkesttimes​ @littlemissaddict​ @vicesvsvirtuesfanfic​ @headheartbellarke​ @lovesanimals​ @bartok-the-magnificent​ @juliefromaustralia @multi-universe21 @rangerelik @kaitieskidmore1 @katrina765​ @fandomxreaders​​ @ifilwtmfc

“Papa!” Margaux screamed, racing across the airport to Owen, the blond boy scooping up the nearly four year old and spinning her around when she reached him. 

“Maggie! I’ve missed you so much.” Owen exclaimed, pulling his mask down to pepper her cheeks with kisses, causing Margaux to giggle loudly. “Where’s your Daddy?” 

“Right behind you.” Owen spun around to find Charlie standing there, clearly smiling at him despite the bandana that covered his mouth, and Owen’s heart skipped a beat at how good Charlie looked in the early morning sun streaming through the airport windows. 

Meanwhile Charlie was thinking the exact same thing, admiring how attractive Owen was, especially when he was in his dad mode. He really understood why girls had such a weakness for cute boys with cute kids when he saw Owen with Margaux. 

Charlie stepped forward, pulling Owen into a tight hug and Margaux whined in complaint at being squished between her dad and her self declared papa. They pulled away from each other, both boys fighting to hide their slightly flushed cheeks. 

“I’m hungry.” Margaux whined, and Charlie was snapped out of his heart eyes daze, his whole focus back on his daughter. 

“Let’s get some food into you before our plane leaves then eh.” He replied, and Margaux nodded happily. 

Feeling bold Owen grabbed onto Charlie’s hand, lacing their fingers together. It wasn’t unusual for them to do this but it was the first time doing it when they were well known enough that someone might recognise them. But neither of them really cared. They were just happy to be back together again. 

- 

The minute they arrived in Hawaii they were met with fans. As much as he loved meeting the fans Charlie couldn’t help but sigh slightly as he tried to protect Margaux as much as he could.

It wasn’t that the fans didn’t know about Margaux, because it was a well known fact that he was a single dad, it was more that he wanted to keep her away from the spotlight. She hadn’t asked for her dad to become a well known actor, and she didn’t deserve to have her life changed because of it. He was determined to give her the most normal life possible. 

Eventually they made it to the villa house that they were staying in while in Hawaii, and after throwing their bags into their rooms it was time to have a bit of fun. 

“Swim time swim time!” Margaux sung, running laps around the living room. Kenny chuckled at the small girl, looking up at Charlie who was following closely behind her. 

“It seems like only yesterday she was a tiny two year old who cried every time you left her side.” He said, and Charlie smiled fondly, sitting down on the chair next to Kenny. 

“She’s growing up too fast.” He agreed. “I can’t believe in less than 24 hours time I’ll be a dad to a four year old.” 

Margaux tripped on the tiles, landing with a clatter, her bottom lip jutting out. Charlie jumped up, but before he could even think about moving across the room Owen was by Margaux’s side, helping her up and pulling her into a tight hug. He whispered something in her ear and Margaux giggled loudly, her fall already forgotten.

Charlie smiled softly at the scene, his heart filled with love for both the blond boy and his little princess. 

“Daddy.” Margaux called, snapping Charlie out of his daze. 

“Yeah baby?” He answered, finally making his way across the room. 

“Can we swim now?” She asked, grabbing onto his leg. Charlie subconsciously ran his hand through her soft curls.  

“Of course we can.” He replied. Margaux glanced up at Owen. 

“Papa too?” She questioned. 

“Papa too.” Charlie agreed. Margaux peered past him, her gaze landing on Kenny.

“Coming Uncle Kenny?” She asked, and Kenny laughed, standing up. 

“Coming Little Gillespie.” He replied. 

Margaux smiled contently, taking both Charlie and Owen’s hands to pull them outside towards the pool. 

She really did have every single one of them wrapped around her little finger. 

- 

Dinner that night was special, as it was supposed to be Carolynn’s last day on the island. They decided on a joint party for her last night, as well as celebrating Margaux’s birthday a day early. 

They had headed to a tiny restaurant near their villa, and Charlie had allowed Margaux to pick whatever she wanted from the menu, not that it mattered because she chose chicken nuggets and chips anyways.

The meal was nice, and before they knew it they were arriving back at the villa. Jeremy, Carolynn and Kenny all excused themselves for bed, and Tori settled into the couch, flicking the TV on. 

“Bath and bed time baby.” Charlie told Margaux, and she pouted but obeyed, following him into the hallway. 

“Hey Char, can I ask you something?” Owen asked, trailing behind the father daughter duo, and Charlie stopped, letting Margaux run ahead to their room. 

“Anything.” He smiled. 

“Do you mind if I share your room? I know the other bed was meant to be for Margaux but-” Owen started, playing with his fingers slightly. 

“She can share with me.” Charlie cut him off. “Bed’s all yours.” Owen looked up, his eyes widening. 

“Really?” He checked. 

“Of course.” Charlie smiled. Owen grinned, throwing his arms around Charlie’s neck. 

“Thanks Char. I just didn’t really want to sleep alone.” He admitted, and Charlie squeezed him tight. 

“Any time.” He told Owen, and the blond boy pulled away with a smile, before heading off to the room he was originally going to stay in to collect his bags. 

Charlie entered the room that he and Margaux, and now Owen, were sharing, finding his daughter already snuggled into one of the beds, still wearing her dinner clothes. Charlie sighed, moving to pull her out of the bed. Owen entered the room, bags in tow, and Margaux looked up at him excitedly. 

“Papa! Are you sleeping here?” She questioned. Owen placed his bags in the corner before answering. 

“I am Miss Maggie.” He said, and Margaux cheered. 

“You don’t mind sleeping with Daddy?” Charlie checked, and Margaux shook her head, jumping up to throw her arms around Charlie’s neck. 

“Nope! More cuddles!” She stated. Charlie laughed, picking her up. 

“Exactly right. Now, it’s bath time.” He said, grabbing Margaux’s pyjamas as she clung to him. 

“Bye Papa!” Margaux called as Charlie moved to leave the room. Owen waved. 

“Bye Maggie!” He replied, matching her enthusiasm. Charlie couldn’t help but smile. 

Margaux was so lucky to have someone like Owen in her life. They both were. 

- 

“Daddy! Wake up!” Margaux screamed, jumping on top of Charlie. He groaned, squinting as he looked up at his daughter. 

“What time is it?” He mumbled. Owen sat up in his own bed, grabbing his phone to check the time. 

“4:47am.” He informed Charlie, his voice thick with sleep. Charlie tried to ignore how sexy Owen’s morning voice was, instead focusing on his daughter. 

“Mags it’s too early to be awake.” He told her. Margaux pouted, flopping down on top of him. 

“Daddy, it’s my birthday!” She exclaimed. Charlie smiled, kissing her cheek. 

“I know baby, happy birthday. Now can we sleep for a little bit?” He tried. Margaux thought for a moment. 

“Only if Papa comes here too.” She decided. 

Charlie’s eyes widened slightly, eyes fixed on Owen as the younger boy sleepily slid out of his bed with no hesitation, and into Charlie’s, snuggling into Charlie’s side the minute he laid down. Margaux squirmed her way under the covers, squishing herself in between the two of them. 

Charlie shut his eyes in an attempt to get back to sleep, but it was no use. He opened his eyes again, staring up at the ceiling, as Margaux slept soundly next to him.

His mind was racing, noticing every single little place where Owen’s warm skin was in contact with his. It felt like he was on fire.

“Stop thinking.” Owen mumbled, and Charlie turned his head to see Owen staring at him, his eyes half shut with sleep.

“How did you know?” He questioned. Owen gave him a small smile. 

“I always know. Whatever it is, just ignore it for now. Get some sleep, it’s gonna be a big day.” Owen whispered. Charlie paused for a moment, just staring at Owen in the dim light from Margaux’s nightlight. Even half asleep in the almost complete darkness of the room Owen still looked gorgeous. Charlie swallowed. 

“You’re right. Thanks O.” He replied. 

“Love you.” Owen yawned in response, his eyes shutting again. Charlie smiled softly, moving his hand to brush a bit of Owen’s hair off his face.

“I love you too Owen.” He replied, despite the fact that the younger boy was already asleep. He pressed a soft kiss to Owen’s head, and lowered his voice to no more than a whisper.

“More than I probably should.”

- 

After what felt like no time at all Charlie was being shaken awake again. 

“Daddy is it time to get up now?” Margaux questioned, sitting on his chest. Charlie yawned. 

He reached over and checked his phone. It was just after 6:30am. 

“Okay we can get up. But we’re gonna leave Papa to sleep a little bit more, okay?” Charlie compromised. Margaux thought for a moment before agreeing. Charlie grinned, sliding the both of them out of the bed careful not to wake Owen. Once they were out of the bed Charlie lifted Margaux up, placing her on his hip. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple.  

“Now. Let’s go make some birthday pancakes.” 

- 

“Happy birthday Little Gillespie.” Jeremy sung, entering the kitchen with Carolynn close behind him.

Margaux grinned, her mouth full of pancake. 

“Thank you!” She exclaimed, her words muffled by her food. Carolynn stepped past Jeremy, moving to place a gentle kiss on Margaux’s head and whisper to her. Margaux grinned before looking up at her father.

“Hey Daddy?” She spoke. Charlie made a noise in response.

“Yeah?” He said, flipping pancakes onto a plate for both Jeremy and Carolynn.

“Do you think the birthday fairy could found me here?” Margaux questioned, her eyes full of hope. Charlie couldn’t help but smile, not even bothering to correct her words, as he placed the pan down.

“Should we go find out?” He asked. Margaux’s eyes widened in excitement.

“Yeah! But first we have to get Papa.” She decided. Charlie nodded.

“You wanna go wake him up? Tell him we made him some pancakes?” He asked, and Margaux grinned, already sliding out of her chair.

“Okay Daddy!” She replied, before rushing out of the room. The room fell silent for a few moments before Carolynn cleared her throat.

“So Charlie...” She raised an eyebrow. “How long have you been in love with Owen?” 

Charlie choked on his coffee. 

“I’m sorry, what?” He spluttered. Carolynn grinned. 

“You heard me.” She said. Charlie hesitated. 

“I’m not-” He stopped. “I-” 

He groaned. There was no use denying it if clearly he was obvious enough that his friends had figured him out.

“Since filming.” He admitted. Carolynn cheered. 

“You owe me $20.” She told her husband, who glared at Charlie. 

“You just had to admit it, huh?” Jeremy shook his head, and Charlie shrugged, a small smile on his face.

“Admit what?” Owen’s voice came from behind them, deep from sleep, and Charlie took a sip of his coffee to try to distract himself. Owen always looked good but in the early morning light, his hair still a mess from sleeping, he looked ethereal. Charlie bit his lip to stop himself from staring.

“Nothing important.” Carolynn replied, and Charlie shot her a thankful look. 

“Can we see if the birthday fairy visited now?” Margaux sighed, clearly impatient. They all laughed. 

“Of course baby.” Charlie told her, standing up. He grabbed the plate of pancakes he had made for Owen, handing them to the younger boy as he passed him. 

Margaux lead the way to the living area where Kenny and Tori were already sat waiting, squealing with excitement when she saw the small pile of presents on the table.

“They came!” She exclaimed, and Charlie couldn’t help but smile, ruffling her hair affectionately.

Margaux settled down on the couch as everyone spread out around the room, and one by one she opened the presents, eyes widening with excitement at every single one. 

Charlie had gotten her a few dolls that he knew she had been wanting, plus some new clothes, books and other toys. 

Jeremy and Carolynn had gotten her a small paint set with a Frozen paint by numbers. 

Kenny had gotten her a tiny version of the Sunset Curve shirt that the cast had all received. 

Tori had gotten her a little lilac tutu. 

Madi, Jadah and Savannah had sent their presents, some handmade earrings, little stud versions of the ghost drawings that Carolynn had created from Madi, a small pair of overalls from Savannah, and a colouring book from Jadah.

But her absolute favourite gift had come from Owen, a tan coloured bear from Build-A-Bear that he had dressed like Luke, and the clothes to change the bear into Reggie, Alex and Julie if she wanted to. 

After hugs all round the group decided to go their own ways, with Kenny heading off to spend the day relaxing, and Tori, Jeremy and Carolynn going to the beach to sunbathe since Carolynn’s flight had been delayed. 

“Where do you want to go today birthday girl?” Charlie asked, as he and Owen collected the pile of gifts to move them back to their room.

Margaux frowned in thought, the bear still grasped in her arms.

“Hiking.” She decided, and Charlie laughed. She was definitely his daughter.

“You sure? We can do whatever you want to do.” He checked. Margaux nodded, her attention focused on her new clothes that Charlie had placed on the bed to fold later. 

“I’m sure.” She said, reaching for the Sunset Curve shirt and overalls. “Can I wear this?”

“Of course you can.” Charlie agreed. 

“I’m gonna have a quick shower.” Owen said, grabbing some clothes out of his bag. Charlie nodded, focused on helping Margaux change out of her pyjamas into her new clothes.

“Do you think we can have some time tonight just you and me?” Charlie asked once Margaux was dressed, moving to grab her hairbrush and some hair ties.

“Yes please Daddy.” Margaux agreed, sitting on the edge of the bed as Charlie sat behind her.

“We could go get dinner just the two of us, and then come back here for birthday cake.” He suggested. Margaux frowned, clearly thinking. 

“Is it chocolate cake?” She asked after a moment, and Charlie paused from brushing her hair to kiss the top of her head. 

“You’ll have to wait and see.” He teased. Charlie finished tying her hair up into two little space buns, not quite proper buns but as close as he could get with her shortish hair.

“I hope it’s chocolate cake. I love chocolate cake.” She giggled, standing up on the bed and turning around to hug her father. Charlie wrapped his arms around her, a gesture that was so safe and familiar. 

“Me too baby, me too.” He agreed. Margaux snuggled her head into his shoulder. 

“Is Papa coming hiking?” She questioned. Charlie grinned to himself. 

“Do you want him to come?” He asked. Margaux didn’t even hesitate. 

“Yes.”

“Then I’m sure he’d love to come.” Charlie assured her. She pulled away. looking him in the eyes. Charlie had always loved that she had gotten his eyes. 

“Do I ask him?” She said, eyes wide. Charlie struggled to contain a laugh at how serious she looked. 

“When he comes back, yeah.” He nodded. 

“When who comes back?” Owen asked, re-entering the room. Margaux jumped up, throwing herself at the 20 year old. He lifted her up with no hesitation. 

“Are you gonna come hiking?” Margaux asked, her bottom lip jutting out in a pleading way. 

“Of course I am. Wouldn’t want to miss spending time with my two favourite people.” Owen grinned, kissing her nose causing her to giggle. Charlie’s heart skipped a beat at the declaration that he was one of Owen’s favourite people. 

“Yay! Can we go now?” Margaux turned in Owen’s arms to face her father. He nodded, standing up from the bed. 

“Shoes, and then we can go.” He said, and Margaux squirmed her way out of Owen’s arms to go find her running shoes. 

Charlie exchanged a look with Owen, the both of them thinking the same thing. 

It was going to be a long day. 

- 

Hiking with a just turned four year old was exhausting, even despite them choosing the easiest possible trail so that she wouldn’t have any issues.

It was fine at first, Margaux excitedly looking at the plants and trying to spot any animals in the trees, but after about twenty minutes she got bored and tired, and Charlie and Owen spent the rest of the hike passing her back and forth between the two of them.

Finally they made it back to the villa, and after a quick stop for lunch Margaux was recharged and ready for the rest of the day.

“Can we swim?” She asked. Charlie nodded.

“We’ll go and get changed, and then we can go in the pool for a while until we have to get ready for dinner, okay?” He suggested. 

“Okay Daddy.” Margaux smiled sweetly. 

-

After quickly changing into their swimmers, Charlie, Margaux and Owen ended up in the pool, Jeremy and Carolynn lounging nearby. 

They swam for a few hours until Margaux got thirsty, and with a promise of apple juice she and Charlie climbed out of the pool leaving Owen to go sit with the Shada’s. 

Charlie walked inside the villa, finding Kenny sat at the kitchen bench reading while Tori lounged on one of the couches, staring at her phone. 

“Why don’t we do cake now, so that you don’t have to worry about rushing home?” Kenny spoke up, as Charlie manoeuvred through the kitchen to get the apple juice out, Margaux clinging to his chest like a baby koala. 

“That’s a good idea. Do you want to do your birthday cake now Mags?” Charlie asked his daughter, pouring her some apple juice. She sipped on the juice, looking up at him with wide eyes. 

“Yeah!” She exclaimed. Charlie smiled. 

“Okay, can you go get Papa, Aunty Care and Uncle Jer for me?” He asked, placing her down. She nodded eagerly, handing her cup of juice to him before rushing outside to where Owen, Jeremy and Carolynn were still sat.

Charlie grabbed the cake out of the fridge and placed it on the bench, before putting the four candles in, and grabbing a lighter.

“Have you seen my camera Kenny?” He asked, and Kenny just pointed to the end of the bench where the camera was sitting. Charlie smiled gratefully, grabbing the camera.

“Want me to take photos?” Tori offered, and Charlie nodded, handing her the camera. 

Margaux re-entered the room, Owen and the Shada’s following close behind her, and when she reached her father he lifted her up. Kenny took the lighter, lighting the candles on the cake and together they sung Happy Birthday to Margaux, Tori snapping photos as the four year old blew out her candles. 

Charlie held Margaux close to him as Kenny divided the cake up, thankful that he had such an amazing family to spend his little girl’s birthday with. 

-

When Charlie and Margaux made it back to the villa after their dinner that night, the newly four year old was ready to fall asleep. Charlie carried her to bed, silently thanking his past self for deciding to give her a bath and do her birthday cake before they went to dinner because now all he had to do was change her into her pyjamas. 

He changed her quickly seeing that she was almost asleep, and tucked her into the bed. 

“Did you have a good birthday baby?” Charlie asked softly, settling down next to his daughter.

Margaux just nodded in response. 

“That’s good.” Charlie ran a hand through her curls. “Goodnight baby girl.” 

“Big girl.” Margaux mumbled sleepily. Charlie smiled, leaning down and kissing her head. 

“You might be a big girl now but you’ll always be my baby girl.” He whispered. “I love you.” 

“I love you too Daddy.” Margaux replied, her eyes already shut and her arms wrapped tightly around her new bear. Charlie stood up slowly and headed to the door, leaving it open a crack for a little bit of light to shine in. 

He paused for a moment, just taking in the reality that Margaux was already four years old, and that she was growing up too fast. With one last look at the door he made his way down the hallway and outside to where he knew Owen was waiting. 

“She’s asleep.” He announced, flopping down on the outdoor sofa next to Owen. 

“I’m not shocked, she’s had a big day.” Owen replied, handing Charlie a cold beer that he had clearly gotten for him. Charlie took it thankfully, taking a large swig. 

“Can you believe that she’s four already? It feels like she was only just born and I was waking up to find out that her mother was gone and that it was only me and her. It was terrifying at the time, but looking back I wouldn’t change it for the world.” He rambled. Owen rested his head on Charlie’s shoulder and Charlie wrapped his arm around the younger boy, pulling him closer.

“You should be proud of yourself Char. You’ve done an amazing job.” Owen complimented, snuggling closer to Charlie as he took a mouthful of his beer.

“You think so?” Charlie questioned. Owen nodded against his shoulder.

“I know so.” He sat up. “Margaux is the most well behaved kid I’ve ever met, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her misbehave once in all the time I’ve known her. She’s an amazing kid and it’s all because she has the most amazing father.”

“Thank you.” Charlie whispered, suddenly realising how close Owen was to him. He could feel Owen’s warm breath on his lips, and he found himself leaning in, the urge to kiss Owen overtaking his entire being. His lips brushed against Owen’s ever so slightly, but before they could properly commit to the kiss they were interrupted. 

“Hey, we’re gonna play...” Tori’s voice came and they jumped apart quickly. She trailed off, eyeing them carefully. “Were you two about to kiss?”

Charlie cleared his throat. Owen’s eyes widened.

“Uh... no?” Owen lied. Tori shot them a suspicious look but clearly decided against pushing.

“Right... well we’re gonna play Cards Against Humanity if you want to join us.” She told them, before turning and heading back inside. Neither Charlie nor Owen moved, the silence was deafening. Finally Owen spoke.

“Sorry.” He muttered quickly, before standing up and rushing inside. Charlie groaned, watching him leave, the feeling of Owen’s lips still lingering on his own.

“Fuck.” He sighed, downing the last of his beer before standing up to join the rest of the group inside.

He would have to deal with the Owen situation later.

[kinglivv]

hey hun👋, if you have time can you please do 32, 34, and 36 with Dhawan master x reader please. 🥺👉👈.

4AM

Dhawan!Master X Reader

Summary: You can't sleep so you to find The Master.

Warnings: none

At 4am, you give up on trying to sleep.

You don't know what it is - you were exhausted from the day before, but all of the adrenaline hadn't seemed to have completely worn off yet. It had been a scary day - you'd had multiple near death experiences, and had struggled to keep up with The Master who was busy enacting his plan and zipping about the place faster than you could keep track of.

And now here you were. Lying in your TARDIS bedroom staring at the ceiling, wide awake and mind buzzing.

Eventually you give in, deciding to go see if The Master's up and about. Usually he is, but tonight might be one of the rare nights he's actually decided to sleep. After checking the console room and finding it empty, you had moved onto his bedroom.

You knocked on the door quietly before opening it slightly a jar. You knew you were always welcome, but you didn't want to alarm him.

"Who is it?" You hear The Master's sleep roughned voice ask.

"Who do you think?" You reply, before slipping into the room and closing the door behind you.

Before he can stop you, you're slipping under his covers and pressing yourself up against his side.

"What-" He huffs, stiffening slightly at the sudden contact. "You come into my room and wake me up at 4am to cuddle?"

"I can't sleep," You murmer into his shoulder and he sighs again.

"C'mere," His hands go to your sides, picking you up as easily as he would a ragdoll, and pulling you properly on top of him. His hand goes to stroke your hair. "Today shake you up a bit?"

"Maybe," You reply nonchalantly, your head resting against his shoulder. You weren't quite ready to admit your struggles infront of the almighty Master, no matter how much you might trust him. You didnt want to appear like some weak human.

"You're blushing." He realises out loud, a laugh in his voice as he nudges your head where it lies on his shoulder, trying to see your face properly.

"I am not, get off!" You whine, trying to settle again, but he's persistant.

"You are," He teases. "And besides, you're the one who came to me. Come on, what is it?"

You prop yourself up to look at him properly, his eyes glittering in the darkness.

"I almost died quite a few times today. Did you notice that?" You ask rather harshly.

He quirks an eyebrow. "Of course I did. But you didn't die - you're fine."

"That's not the point," You argue. "It's scary. I got scared."

He runs a hand through your hair.

"I'm not going to let you just die, Y/N," He tells you, firmly. "I'll burn whole star systems before I ever let you die."

"Gee, that's comforting." You retort, rolling your eyes, but you know he can tell that he's helped calm your nerves a bit. You press your face into his neck letting him hold you a little closer.

"Wait a sec," He says suddenly, just when you thought he'd finally shut up for the night. "Is that my shirt?"

"Go to sleep,"

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry

[saintlaurentcalum]

You Mean More

//a calum hood blurb by me//

You woke up around 10 this morning knowing fully that Calum had already up and gone to the studio. Rolling over to his side of the bed you bury your face in his pillow and breath in his scent, after a long debate with yourself you decided againt going back to sleep. Pulling yourself up from the bed you pull calums green hoodie from the closet and throw it over your head. "Maybe I'll clean up a bit today." you mumble to yourself as you step down the stairs and take in the mess in your living room. You walk into the kitchen grabbing some water from the fridge and sigh at the sight of the pile of dishes you were about to wash, but you knew you'd get nowhere without music playing.

Walking into the living room and connect your phone to the speakers Calum had set up when you moved in, you put on a playlist that he made for you a couple weeks ago. 'Do I Wanna Know' by Arctic Monkeys started bumping through the speakers, the bass line buzzing through the house reminding you of Cal. You finished the dishes thankfully and came to assess the state of your living room. Calum's shoes were laying in front of the couch and both of your jackets were strewn on the chair in the corner, papers and miscellaneous items were scattered on the table, lastly your eyes landed on cals bass leaning against the arm of the couch.

You knew it was his absolute favorite, the custom cherry red bass was pinstriped with his initials, it given to him as a gift. You'd cleaned up every other item in the living room and the only thing left to do was take Cal's bass upstairs to his music room. Picking up the bass carefully by the neck you began up the stairs reaching the top you lost your footing and dropped the bass sending it tumbling fast down the stairs. Freezing in your spot at the top of the stairs your eyes are glued to the destroyed bass at the bottom. Slowly you move yourself down the stairs to sit on the last step, eyes still wide and mouth agape as you sit in disbelief.

The neck of the bass had cracked, two strings were busted,and large pieces of paint were chipped from the body. Tears began to form in your eyes as you let out a faint whimper, you were terrified. The feeling of not knowing how Calum would react didnt settle well in your stomach and it made you curl into yourself even further. The realization of what happened finally settled in you as sobs began to wrack your body, you felt terrible. The guilt you were feeling was too much, your heartbeat in your ears was so loud that you didn't even hear the door open and close.

Not yet seeing the completely destroyed bass Calum ran to your side immediately, "Whoa, baby, hey, why are you crying love?" You looked up at him in utter fear, his soft eyes filled with question and concern. "What's wro-" His eyes shifted over to his favorite bass laying battered on the floor a couple feet behind him. "WHAT THE FUCK!!" You flinched at his loud voice standing to you feet quickly but still not looking up to meet his face. Spinning around quickly his voice raised again, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME Y/N WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

Gathering some courage you looked up at him, he was livid. His nostrils flared, cheeks bright with color, and eyes wide with anger, "Cal I-I didn't mean-n to it was an a-accident I'm sor-" "WHAT WERE YOU EVEN DOING?! DID YOU FUCKING THROW IT DOWN THE STAIRS?!" "No Calum I was j-ust trying to g-get it upstairs and I-" You choked on your words trying to steady your breath long enough to keep talking. Calum shook his head letting out a sharp breath. You've never seen him so angry before and it was genuinely scaring you.

"Cal I'm really sorry I-I didn-," He quickly turned and his hands flew up into the air. In that exact moment your arms flew to sheild you face, eyes squeezing shut and a small yelp flew from your lips. Slowly you lowered yourself to the ground moving yourself into a ball and hiding you face between your knees, you backed yourself all the way up against the nearest wall. Your breathing was heavy and unsteady, tears had began slowly flowing from your eyes. You held yourself in that position for what felt like forever, even if it was only a minute.

Calum's entire demeanor softened instantaneously at the sight of you cowering in front of him, ultimately falling to the floor. His heart completely shattering at the thought that he made you do that. He dropped so his knees, shoulders slumped and head hanging low, "Baby." he cooed, his voice soft and fragile, "Baby please look at me." He layed his hand gently on your arm, he could feel the tense nature of your body relax a small amount. You looked up at him and sniffle as his eyes take in your appearance, your eyes are red and puffy and your cheeks stained with tears. The pang of hurt that hits him in that moment is so much that it evokes an indescribable noise from his lips.

"Did you think I was going to hit you?" he asked hurt prominent in his voice, "Yes." you mumble quietly after a moment of hesitation. Your eyes drop back down to the floor until you hear his uneven breathing, your head shooting up to meet his gaze as tears now fell from his own eyes. "I-I don't ever want you to think I would do that. Never would I even fathom the idea of laying my hands on you that way Y/N." You let go of your knees and crawled into his lap, you layed your head against his chest as he wrapped his arms firmly around your body engulfing you.

Your hand gripped at his shirt as you lifted your head to press small kisses to his neck, "I'm sorry Cal. I didn't mean to drop it I just lost my footing and it fell from my hand. It was an accident i would never-" you rambled before he shushed you and began rocking back and forth, "I know baby, I know. It's okay. I don't care anymore, okay? I never want you to feel that way again. I never want to see the look you gave me, like you were afraid, because of me. You mean more than any guitar, okay? It can always be fixed. You mean so fucking much to me."

His voice was gentle as he rested his cheek upon the top of your head after pressing multiple kisses. "I'm sorry and I love you so so much babygirl." You stood from his arms and held out your hand to him, "C'mon bub, lets go take a nap. I just want you to hold me." Calum smiled up at you with a cheeky grin as he jumped up sweeping you off your feet and carrying you up the stairs. "Anything for you my love." he said before attacking your face with kisses.

xx okay so this is the first thing ive ever written on my blog!! feedback would be amazing!! xx

(sorry if there are any mistakes or grammatical errors its 4am and i just finished this lmao)

[daysswithyou]

V. Sungjin - Bet

Characters: Sungjin x You

Genre: enemies to lovers!6

Warning: some cursing and swearing

Credits: @7abshy and @parkjaeins; for helping me figure out how annoying teachers can be

Words: 5k

Description: There is always more than meets the eye

Author’s note: This wraps up the enemies to lovers!6 series :) I hope you’ve enjoyed all 5 of them! 

-----

I’m late, I’m late, I’m late, shit!

You repeatedly mouthed the words to yourself under your breath as you squeezed past the throng of people crowding the hallways, occasionally throwing an apology across your shoulder if you bumped into someone. Opting to not take the front entrance into the lecture hall, you ran up flights of stairs to reach the back entrance. By the time you reached the top, you were gasping for breath, your thighs were burning and you could feel the first beads of sweat roll down your back. Slipping through the crack of the heavy wooden door, you settled into the closest empty seat, trying to steady your breathing as your pants became too loud within the enclosed space.

Deep breaths Y/N, deep breaths...

You internally heaved a sigh of relief when you saw the empty podium in front, glad that your professor for this class will not have a bad impression of you.

But your relief was short-lived as the booming voice right next to you soon commanded for attention.

“Alright let’s get started, now that the last student is here.”

As he walks down the flight of stairs to reach the podium, it gives you enough time to observe the authoritative figure. His black leather jacket and ripped black jeans made him look exceptionally tough, and you swore you saw some male students flinch when he walked past them. His hair, which was the colour of warm chocolate, was too long and brushed against his eyelids.

He looks like a model that has just stepped out of a Harley Davidson advertisement.

But you mentally berated yourself for the inappropriate thought, and proceeded to haul it out of the window.

When he stepped onto the podium, he surveyed the whole room before starting again.

 “Good morning. My name is Park Sungjin and I’ll be your TA for this semester and for this class.”

 Ah, so this was the legendary Park Sungjin that you had heard so much about during your first semester. He was famous for being the top student of the graduating batch, with an impeccable portfolio to match. Apparently, he’s so good to the point that many companies and graduate schools have offered him a place amongst them. But, he is also notorious for being a tough TA and everyone’s advice was to just stay away from his bad side if you ever had the fortune (or misfortune) of being in his classes.

All you wanted was to pass this class peacefully so you made it your goal to not cross the line.

However, when he opens his mouth to give the next set of instructions, you knew that you were already on the wrong side of the line.

“So now, if you’re ready Ms Y/N, I’ll begin with the introduction on the topic.” Giving you one last hard glance, he turned to face the screen. Everyone else was furiously copying down notes, but not you.

He said my name, he knows who I am. I’ve been singled out.

It felt like someone had just passed you the death sentence.

-

A week passed by uneventfully and you tried your best to not attract attention to yourself in class. You were on time, and you were attentive in class. You never gave Sungjin trouble – or Mr Park, as you know him by now. Yet, such tactics did not work on him. You knew that you had his full attention when he stares at you from the front as he is giving lectures, even if you’re sitting in a last row. He’ll always linger a little longer behind you as write answers to the mini quizzes in class. You made the mistake of looking up at him once, and you nearly combusted under his hard gaze. What’s worse is that you can’t decide if he approves or disapproves of your work. Perhaps that was the most agonising part.

Today was no different. After handing up your papers for the quiz to the front, you attempted to slip away with the crowd but you just couldn’t slip past Park Sungjin’s attention.

“Y/N, could I have a word with you?”

You halted in your steps, his monotone voice sending chills down your spine.

Why me…

Squeezing your eyes shut and taking in a shaky breath, you turned around to face him before walking in his direction. Your steps were a little too hesitant and you were obviously clutching onto your bag too tightly because this was the first thing that Sungjin said when you finally stood in front of him.

“You can loosen your grip on your bag strap, your knuckles are turning white.”

“O-o-oh. It’s a habit, sorry.”

“What time do your lessons end today, Y/N?”

“6pm. My last lesson is Introduction to Psychology.”

“Good. Meet me at Conference Room 2 of the Social Sciences block, 6.30pm sharp.”

“Yes. Anything else…?”

“That’s all. You may go now.”

Giving Sungjin a curt bow, you scurried out of the lecture hall as fast as you could, dreading the time when you had to see him again.

 6.30pm came too early for your liking, and you soon found yourself face to face with Sungjin once more. A thick stack of papers were sitting by the corner of the table beside him and you knew immediately.

“I’m here to grade papers?”

“More or less; I’ll be giving the final grade and you can help me critique.”

You simply nodded before assuming the seat in front of him.

The next time you looked up, your neck popped up with a loud crack and the clock read 12am. Sungjin kept you thoroughly occupied for the past few hours, papers being presented to you in a systematic manner. You’ve said more words to him a few hours than you’ve said to all your professors combined last semester. While disguised as ‘extra exposure’ for you, deep down you knew that this was Sungjin’s special torture method – and you finally understood what others meant by getting on his bad side.

But the torture didn’t end there.

“Y/N, don’t forget that we have an assignment due the next day. Oh, and don’t be late. See you tomorrow.”

Everything sounds really innocent but you knew what Sungjin really meant was “Don’t mess up tomorrow Y/N.”

You wanted to let out a sigh of frustration but instead you swallowed it and merely replied with a spritely “Yes” before leaving the office.

 -

And this went on for months. Every single time Sungjin gave your class a quiz, you would find yourself in the conference room with him grading papers; sometimes at the expense of your own work. It gradually extended to grading papers from his other classes, but never once did you complain. You knew better than to argue with teachers, much less Sungjin. Every time he looks at you, your words die in your throat; how on earth were you supposed to hold an argument with him? But, of course, when you were back in the comfort of your dorm, which was when you were cursing and swearing at him. At one point in time, your roommate almost called an exorcist, thoroughly freaked out by the way you were flaying your limbs in the air as you continued screaming in frustration.

Needless to say, the late nights left with less sleep, and little energy to pay attention. You were up till 4am last night (or should you say morning), rushing out assignments due today for 2 different classes. You had burst into Sungjin’s lecture hall a good 20 minutes late but in your state, you didn’t care anymore. As usual, you settled into the closest seat you could find, one hand combing through the tangles in your hair, the other rummaging through your bag for your lesson materials. But you were so thoroughly exhausted that you fell asleep 10 minutes later, you pen stopping midway across your paper.

The next time you regain consciousness was when Sungjin’s voice calling your name rang through the speakers.

“So, Ms Y/N, what do you think of the question I just raised?”

You awoke with a start and you scattered your stationary across the floor in the process. You could hear the whole hall snickering at your blunder; save for the few kids sitting around you that helped you pick up your stray pens.

What was the question even? That was the most urgent question for you to answer. You shot a hard look at Sungjin, one that said, “How dare you call me when I’m in this state because of YOU.”

You were sure that he understood your gaze, but he merely raised an eyebrow, as he always did. It was the one that you recognised as “Go on, I’m waiting for your answer.” You knew that there was no way out of this except to answer his question. Panicking, you stared at the last word you wrote in your notebook before rattling off.

“The most famous poem from the Old English period, widely recognised by most is Beowulf. And for – ”

“Oh Ms Y/N, I didn’t know that Scandinavians spoke Old English in the late 10th century. Clearly, someone needs to keep her eyes and ears open. Also, I asked for your opinion, not of those from the 10th century.”

From beneath his long locks, Sungjin gave you a mischievous glint and smirked at you as the entire hall erupted into raucous laughter. Everyone was laughing, except you. Everyone found this funny, except you. Everyone was in a good mood, but you were livid.

How.fucking.dare.you.Park.fucking.Sungjin. I’m suffering in class now because of all your stupid “extra exposure” work after school. Yet you purposely picked on me to answer your question, knowing full well that I can’t. Why do you like picking on me so much? Why do you like embarrassing me in class so much? WHY PARK SUNGJIN!!!

You might have felt better if you actually said it out loud, but you didn’t. You just kept repeating this thought to yourself like a mantra until the end of the lesson.

It’s ok Y/N, just another 30mins of sitting in this hall and looking at his face. Afterwards you can leave and get yourself some ice cream to make yourself feel better. Yes, that’s right… everything is going to be ok Y/N...

But that day, things were not ok and you left the hall in a foul mood. For the final project of the year, you were paired up with Song Jihyo, the girl in class that was notorious for not doing her work.

Its official, Park Sungjin hates me and wants me to burn in Hell. That day, your whole body ached at the thought of more late nights and instead of eating your ice cream, you remembered hurling it at an innocent, nearby tree.

-

Everything that you thought would happen did happen. It’s as the saying goes, “Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.” And in this case, you were helpless against its happening. The only time that you talked to Jihyo was deciding on the thesis and after that, she was virtually uncontactable. You eventually gave up trying to arrange a time to meet to do up the thesis; you merely assigned her parts – which, to be fair, she did do. But they were of such poor quality you ended up deleting most of it and redoing it yourself. But no matter how hard you tried, nothing seemed fresh and you decided to bite the bullet and ask for help.

Lucky for you, Mr Kim was in class today and you immediately ran to him for help.

“Good morning Mr Kim. I have some questions about the final project thesis, is it alright if I ask a few questions?”

“Ah Y/N aren’t you? I’ve heard so much about you from Sungjin! I’ll be glad to help, let me take a look.”

Eagerly, you showed him what you had done so far and when he smiled, you felt a small smile creep onto your face, silently happy that you had gained his approval. But soon, the smile was wiped off your face.

“First of all, an excellent thesis choice, I must say. I remember Sungjin doing something similar for my class 3 years ago, why don’t you ask him for help? He is in a better position to help than I am.”

“Yes sir, I’ll ask Sung- I mean, Mr Park. Yes, I’ll ask Mr Park for advice. Thank you.”

With a light pat on your shoulder, he left you alone and when you turned, you found Park Sungjin standing right in front of you.

“I heard you need help?”

“Yes...” You hated it; you hated having to admit that you needed help from Park Sungjin.

“Hand it over.”

Reluctantly, you passed him your phone and turned to the side, not wanting to see his face further.

When he finally passed back the phone to you, you didn’t feel any more enlightened.

“You can do better than this.”

“What do you mean? That isn’t helpful!”

“That’s all I have to say. You know what to do, so do it.”

“I don’t! I don’t know what to do, which is why I’m asking for help!”

“Then sit down and figure it out.”

So that’s how it’s going to be – you won’t give me a consultation when I need it the most. Fine.

But that was not what you said. You said this instead, “Ok, I’ll figure it out.”

From then onwards, without help from anyone, you trudged through the group thesis yourself. This was on top of the individual thesis that each of you had to prepare for. You were literally typing so much (or rather, punching) your keyboard so hard that one of the keys fell out and you had to send your laptop for repairs. Not only was school draining your sanity, it was also draining your money. Due to the delay in repairing your laptop, you were left with a week to finish half of your thesis.

The outcome: later nights and heavier eye bags. By now, you were too tired to curse and swear at Sungjin for the terrible grouping since it was already taking insane willpower from you to even show up in class. You merely bottled up your indignation, and kept working to avoid thinking about it. After placing the stack of papers in Sungjin’s letter tray, you went back to your dorm and crashed for 12 hours straight.

This signalled the start of your 1 week break, and one week of not seeing Park Sungjin.

Thank goodness.

-

The next time you saw Park Sungjin, you were glad that it was the last time that you would have to see him. After all the torture he had put you through for the past semester, you were glad that you’ll be done with him now.

Yet, as always, Park Sungjin manages to make your life a living hell till the end.

Group Thesis: C

Individual Thesis: E

Overall: D

Comments for Individual Thesis: Clear presentation of key ideas and mostly factually correct. Choice of thesis could be better.

Signed: Park Sungjin

Choice of thesis could be better. Park Sungjin failed me, just because he didn’t like my topic.

You were brought out from your shock by a large shove from behind. Whipping around, you found a smiley Jihyo in front of you and her next words made you want to punch her in her perfect little teeth.

“Thank you for helping me pass the class Y/N! How much did you get?”

Without your consent, she ripped your papers from your hands before handing them back to you with a frown.

“That’s odd; we had the same choice of individual thesis, why did you do worse?” But Jihyo had no time to contemplate on the answer to her question when she was dragged away by her friends to celebrate their good grades.

I can tolerate everything that Park Sungjin has put me through, but not this.

Running up to Sungjin, you stopped him from leaving before asking to see him.

“Do you have time now?”

“Yes. What is this about?”

“This is about my thesis, can we talk somewhere else?”

“Conference Room 2 of the Social Sciences building in 10 minutes, I need to talk to Mr Kim first.”

“Ok.”

You were going to clear this once and for all.

-

“So, what is it about your thesis, Y/N?”

“You failed me just because you didn’t like my topic, didn’t you?”

You’ve rehearsed this part many times in your head and this wasn’t how it was supposed to sound like. It was supposed to sound polite and less accusatory, but fuck that. You wanted answers, and if you had to demand it from him, you will.

“Yes, I did. What’s the issue with it?”

“It’s not fair.”

“Nothing is fair in this world Y/N; I thought you’d know that by now.”

“Yes, I do know that. But what you’re doing is not only unfair, but also downright discriminatory.”

“How so?”

“Jihyo told me that we both had the same choice of thesis, and I got and E and she got a B. My grades are clearly a personal attack against my character. You never liked me from the start, I get it. But it’s wrong to simply disregard my entire thesis because you didn’t like the topic! What is wrong with this topic? It’s within the list of topics that you’ve given us, I met the word count, I met deadlines. I did everything!”

“And I’m supposed to give you a A for that?”

"I’m not saying you have to give me an A for it. I'm just trying to prove the fact that – " "A fact is already a fact, you don't have to prove it." "God damn it Sungjin! Would you just lay off me for a second? Would it kill for you to not correct my grammar for once? Would it kill you to not pick on me for one second?" "It's Mr Park, for you. It still is. And no, I won't lay off your grammar – you are an English language major that has taken my class, there is no way that I'm allowing you to continue to speak with bad grammar." "I hate you." "That can technically count as swearing at a teacher. Are you testing my patience?" "No. I'm just saying that it's not fair for you to give me a bad grade just because you did not like my choice of thesis. That's just being biased." "I'm not changing your grade." "I can't fail this module Sungjin! I need to pass this module to go for the Advanced English module. Yes, it's not a perfect thesis but I don't deserve to fail for this!" "Welcome to the real world Y/N." "I hate you Sungjin. I really fucking do." You pick up your bag and slam the door on your way out. That night, for the first time, you cried. And you hated the fact that you were crying over stupid Park Sungjin.

-

The next day, you awoke with puffy eyes but nonetheless, you showed up for lessons. You nearly bumped into Sungjin on your way to Psychology but you immediately detoured. You couldn’t get close to him – you might just punch him and be charged for assaulting a teacher.

That evening, you had just ended lessons when your phone buzzed and Sungjin’s name lit up on your screen.

Mr Park: You have another chance to redo your thesis and not fail the class. Deadline is January 20th, 2 weeks from now. Papers in my tray at 6pm sharp; don’t be late for the submission.

You swiped his notification away quickly, but you remembered the words and that night, you began sourcing for more ideas for your individual thesis.

For the next 3 days, Sungjin just wouldn’t leave you alone. Your phone buzzed with his name every now and then, and he was so distracting that you nearly wanted to block his number.

Mr Park: Are you going to resubmit your thesis?

Mr Park: Have you chosen a thesis yet?

Mr Park: What is your choice of thesis? How many words in?

Mr Park: Do you need help? Just drop me a message; I can help you check your thesis.

Help me with my thesis? Is he playing saint now? As if I’m going to accept help from him.

As you turned your attention back to your screen, you found that a shadow has fallen in front of your laptop. You found yourself staring at a pair of familiar, battered, black Converse and looking up only confirmed your suspicions. The man was here in person – Park Sungjin.

“Why aren’t you replying my messages?”

Why must I hold myself accountable to you? Buzz off.

You continued typing, completely ignoring Sungjin. You heard him sigh before inviting himself to sit in front of you.

“Y/N, what is your thesis? Hey, answer me. I came all the way down here to find you.”

“You came here voluntarily, I didn’t ask for your help. You can leave.”

“You’re still angry at me?”

Of course I am, you asshole. You’re just asking the obvious.

With each thought, you punched the keys on your keyboard harder.

“Stop typing so hard, you’ll spoil your keyboard. Working in spite is not going to produce quality work Y/N.”

Without your consent, he lifted your laptop into the air and onto his lap and scrolled through your entire document for 15 minutes. Passing it back to you with a smile, you stared at him in shock for 5 minutes.

Park Sungjin never smiles; did he just smile at me?

“You did it.”

“What did I do?”

“You figured it out. This was the choice of thesis I wanted you to choose in the very first place. Furthermore, you’ve chosen the correct area to focus on.”

“Thank you… I thought…”

“What did you think about?”

“I thought I might not be on the right track. But your words makes me feel a little more reassured now.”

“Well, I’ll leave you alone now.”

Park Sungjin then took his leave, but he was lying when he said he’ll leave you alone. He never did. Till the submission deadline, he visited you every alternate day.

As expected, you got an A for your individual thesis.

-

When you got an email from Mr Kim saying that he wanted to meet you, you thought you were doomed; most likely a disciplinary case on your head after what you said to Sungjin. But turns out, it was an interview for the Advanced English course, and they passed you immediately. When you walked out of the room still stunned that that you had entered the course of your choice, you found Sungjin waiting outside for you, almost like he knew you were going to be there.

“They passed you didn’t they?”

“Huh?”

Hearing his voice reminded you of what Mr.Kim said to you just now:

“We’ve received high commendations of you, Ms Y/N. All the professors pushed for your recommendation into the course, and Sungjin, especially. He was the first one to mention offering you a place in the course. He spoke of your remarkable working attitude.”

“May I ask something?”

“Yes, anything at all.”

“What exactly did Mr Park say about me?”

“He mentioned that you work well even under immense stress and long hours, catching up really fast even if you fell behind. But, most importantly, he spoke of your willingness to try again after failure. That is the most important quality that we are looking out for: tenacity. We have no doubt that you’ll be a suitable candidate to enter this demanding course. We would love to offer you a place, should you choose to accept.”

“I would love to, thank you. Thank you to the faculty and professors for having me.”

Sungjin hates me, why would be recommend me for the course?

“Follow me.”

Taking him by the wrist, you dragged Sungjin all the way to the bridge in the school park before letting him go.

“What’s with the rush, Y/N?”

Hands on your hips, you turned to face Sungjin with wide eyes, your lips set firmly in a thin line.

“I don’t understand you Sungjin. First, you torture me in lessons by making me so many extra work and now you’re putting in good words for me and recommending me for my dream course? Did you suddenly decide that you like me more now overnight?”

“Ah, so they told you everything I said. Mr Kim promised to not tell, I should have known he wouldn’t keep to it.”

“You’re still not answering my questions.”

“I’m getting there. First of all, that extra work was not torture, they were a test. I loaded you with many things to see how much you can handle before you snapped but thankfully and luckily for me, you never did.”

“I did silently curse and swear at you.”

“That is a given. But you didn’t say it out loud, so it doesn’t count. You’ve proven to – ”

“To be able to work well under immense pressure and long hours.”

“Yes. That is an important quality for taking any Advanced courses. I took the same course with the same professors that you’ll be having so I know how intense it was. I had to put you under pressure to see if my bet was correct.”

“I was your bet?”

“Yes, I was betting on you all along. You have great potential.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh? I thought someone hated me before.”

“Like you said, that was before. I don’t anymore. What you put me through was tough, but they did teach me more about myself and my limits. So, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now that I’ve managed to help you get a place in your course, I think it’s time to return the favour?”

“What’s your proposal?”

“Come to my graduation ceremony next spring. It’s in April.”

“Ok. That’s all?”

“That’s all for now.”

But when a soft smile lights up Sungjin’s face, you knew there was more in store for the both of you in time to come.

-

April 20th

You had come early to get front row seats and as you watch Sungjin give a speech representing the graduating batch, your heart swells with pride. You’ve seen him work very hard for the past one semester and to see him being handed his graduation certificate made you feel like all his efforts paid off.

You were the last to greet Sungjin because there was simply too many people crowding around him. You watch from afar and you giggle when you see Sungjin frantically asking Kang Younghyun if he’s seen you around. He does this thing where his eyes grow big like saucers, so big that you thought they were going to pop out of their sockets. You could also hear the fear in his voice – he speaks a little faster and slips into the Busan dialect. So when you greet him by gently tapping him on the shoulder, he whips around so fast the wind nearly knocked you over. But when you see his facial expression melt from one of worry into one of happiness, you nearly melt into a puddle there and then. You’d given anything to see those sparkly eyes and sweet smile.

“Ah finally you’re here Y/N! I saw you in the front row just now but then afterwards I didn’t so I was worried that you left but I haven’t got a photo with you yet. I was so sad  because I haven’t asked you my question yet – ”

“Calm down Sungjin! I’m here now right? Also, happy graduation! I got this for you.”

Proudly, you hold up the bear plushie you had custom made for him, decked out in the exact same graduation gown that he had on right now.

“It looks like you, right? I named him Bang!”

“Why Bang?”

“Because you always say goodbye in a very cute manner and Bang seems like a cute name to capture that cuteness. Also, I gave him eyelashes! When you observe the details, he really looks like you right?”

When Sungjin finally notices the eyelashes, he bursts out laughing and you swore your heart nearly stopped. When he finally stopped laughing and took over the bear from you, he finally remembered the question he wanted to ask you.

“Y/N- ah…”

“Yes?”

“If I ask you out…will you say yes?”

Just to tease him a little, you decided to look up at the sky, and contemplate your answer for a little while.

“I don’t know…maybe?”

“You can’t do this to me! I waited so long to ask you this question!”

“Why did you wait so long then?”

“I had to wait till I graduated. It wouldn’t be right for a teacher to ask his student out right?”

“That’s true…but I still don’t know if I’d go out with you. How about we make a bet?”

“With what?”

“With a coin. You flip a coin and I’ll decide. Which side are you confident of getting?”

“Heads, I always flip a head.”

“Ok, go ahead then. Heads for I’ll go out with Park Sungjin and tails for…”

With utmost concentration, Sungjin flips the coin and slams his palm over it when it lands. Opening his palm, his face immediately becomes crestfallen: staring back at him was a tail.

But you haven’t finished your sentence yet.

“Tails for…I’ll still go out with you anyways!” you said, as you gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Really? You would?”

“Ask any more questions and I’ll reconsider.”

“Ok, ok I won’t ask any more questions! What do you want to eat?”

“Fried chicken!”

“Oh, I was betting that you’ll say fried chicken!”

“Betting on fried chicken is great Park Sungjin, but I'm betting on something else now.”

Sungjin turns to look at you and he says, "So, what are you betting on now?"

"I'm betting that you'll give me a kiss."

"Really? How are you so sure?"

"I know you Park Sungjin, I know you'll do it. So, am I getting a kiss or not?" 

Without another word, Sungjin closes the space between the both of you, so close that if either moved, your lips would touch. You closed your eyes and waited for the impact, but instead you felt something soft press into your forehead and you immediately smiled. 

"Not where I was expecting, but ok Sungjin."

"I'm saving the best for the last."

"I'm holding you accountable for that statement."

"You can bet your life on it that I'll fulfill it."

Not only was he your best bet, he was your favourite bet too.

[missjackil]

My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4. 

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help. 

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts. 

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both?  Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so”  Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and  was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit. 

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs. 

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt. 

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane. 

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting. 

[nikki6551]

...

Theres something i really gotta open up about.

Ive been holding in shit for years now and I'm tired of it.

This is gonna get really personal and its about rape/non consensual behaviors.

.

.

.

.

I have always been very trusting and open. I never really found a need to not trust someone and so when I was younger (around 14/15 maybe?) My sister was dating this guy, I thought he was cool and he was always really friendly to me. We ended up spending the night at his house and his cousin was over. His cousin was maybe 2-3 years older than me and just like him, he was very nice and open. I saw no reason to not trust any of them.

That night we doubled up and slept in pairs, my sister wanted to sleep with her BF so I slept in the other bed with his cousin. (Once again I saw 0 reason to not trust him. It was started to get close to 3-4am and we decided to finally go to bed.

This is where things escalated

So I start dosing off and I suddenly feel hands on me, I'm confused but scared at this point. I didnt know what was happening and or what to do. The hands started crawling around and touching me. Touching my breasts, my ass, and then finally into my underwear. I was screaming and panicking internally. I was so confused and scared. I had no clue what to do. I got 0 sleep that night. The only times he would stop was when I would 'wake up'. He would quickly move away and pretend nothing happened. But as soon as I turned back and started to try to sleep, the hands would come right back. I went through that all night and we finally left around 10am. I stopped going out with my sister and her BF after that. And I never spoke to him or his cousin after that.

I know there were things I couldve done to avoid it, to stop it but I was 15 and I didnt know better. But even so its not okay for anyone to do that without any permission.

And now we reach today...

I decided to sleep over at a friends house for a night. Its me, this guy and another girl. We dont know the other girl as much so we decided the easiest sleeping arrangement was her on the bottom bed and me and this guy on the other bed. (I have known him for about 2 years now so I felt it should be fine)

I trusted this guy enough to not do anything and it was a mistake.

I got very very little sleep. All night he kept putting his arms around me, holding my hands, stroking my hair, and then it of course escalated.

I kept pushing him off and telling him to stop, he would stop but only until I was asleep as soon as I was asleep the hands came back. I woke up several times to his arms around me. And then the worst time was when I woke up and one hand was in my shirt, on my boob and the other, on my ass. As soon as I was up he did the same thing as the last guy. He quickly moved away and acted as if he did nothing. He then tried to put his arm around me again and I immediately pushed him away, After that I have been up and on the other side of the room.

.

.

.

I havent thought about that old incident in maybe 2 years now. But tonight I froze up and now its all thats on my mind. I have never told anyone about it...My closest friends dont know anything, my family, absolutely no one. But I'm tired of holding this in.

Consent is important

I'm tired of thinking its my own fault for these situations when in reality the ones that should be shamed for it are those who reach and act without consent.

I remember the first time Tyler ever touched me in a sexual way, I panicked and never explained why. I never wanted to tell him about that incident, I never wanted to tell anyone. He was very respectful of my decisions and nEVER did anything without consent. If I told him I wanted to stop he would, no questions asked. Even on days where I would sleepover, if he wanted to do anything while I was asleep he would /ASK/ me before I would go to bed. He asked me if I was okay with him doing anything. And on mornings when I would wake up and he would be doing things, the first thing he would ask would be if it was okay to keep going. Or if I woke up and said I wanted him to stop he would and we would go back to bed.

That is how you handle a situation correctly. If you do anything sexual on someone without consent YOU ARE IN THE WRONG. THERE IS NO QUESTION. IF YOU NEVER GOT A YES THEN IT'S A N O.

CONSENT IS IMPORTANT, CONSENT IS NECESSARY, DON'T JUST ASSUME YOU HAVE CONSENT BECAUSE OF A SITUATION, ASK. CONSENT CAN BE GIVEN AND THEN TAKEN AWAY.

A L W A Y S A S K.

[wing--it]

If you don't mind me asking, when did you find out you were asexual? - a questioning ace

hi!! ofc i dont mind you asking!

okay im gonna tell a little story which has come to be known as ‘the burger story’

under a read more bc its long as heck

so during high school i was super super shy and awkward, and i didnt like anyone to ever come near me. when the other people in my year starting dating and stuff i was just really Not Interested and in all honesty, i felt way too immature to be doing some of the things that i knew other people my age were doing. i knew i didnt want to date anyone but i always just put that down to being shy? and i figured i’d just find someone later in life and that was okay

and then i went to uni, and i finally got my glow up (!!), learned how to do my makeup properly and started slowly getting more confident talking to people. more guys started being interested in me, which was kinda confusing to me bc in my head im still an awkward teenager with zits and a bad sense of fashion lmao. so i had a few people here and there asking me out but again i just really wasnt interested and would much rather be on my own instead. i did try and get close to guys (usually when i was drunk lmao) and that was fine but not like ?? just not exciting like it seemed to be for everyone else. i think half the time i was just doing it because that’s what everyone else was doing, and i didnt want to be left out

so then i was like huh maybe im gay?? and i thought about that for a little while and even though i feel more comfortable around girls, i didnt actually feel attracted to girls anymore than i did to guys

by this point i was bored of wondering about my sexuality so i just decided to go with the flow for a while. and then i found out that this one guy i’d been good friends with for a few months liked me, and for once i didnt feel like i needed to reject him or push him away, i was happy with letting him be closer. he was really kind and gentle with me, would answer the phone at 4am when i called him even though he had to get up early for work and he’d carry me home when my heels were hurting, just an all around good guy

he wasnt my boyfriend or anything but we’d spend time together and make out and i felt pretty comfortable with him which is a rarity bc like i said, most of the time i’d just rather be by myself. i wasnt feeling the ‘spark’ that you hear people talk about in movies and i didnt want to, like, rip his clothes off when i saw him but i liked him and we got on well so that was enough for me

so this one night me, him and all our pals went on a night out together and as per standard on the way home we stopped at good old maccy d’s and i got a 99p cheeseburger like the queen that i am. and we all got a taxi back to our student halls and everyone started heading inside but he pulled me back and the two of us stayed outside

now i was still drunk at this point but i have a really clear memory of this moment in my mind lmao.we started to kiss and i put my arms around his shoulders, still clinging to my lil cheeseburger in one hand. i started to get bored of the kiss after a few minutes so i opened my eyes, and all i could do was gaze at my cheeseburger over his shoulder and i had this moment of ‘wow i’d so much rather be alone eating my cheeseburger than doing this right now’. a cheeseburger epiphany, if you will

so i pulled away from him and gave him the fastest ‘see ya pal’ of my life lmao and tottered up to my flat. i didnt think much of it on the actual night but i thought about it a lot afterwards, about how little interest i had in having sex with him. i thought that if i didnt want to sleep with this guy, who i liked and had a lot in common with and felt comfortable with, did that mean i’d ever find someone i’d want to sleep with?

i’d seen the term asexual floating around on tumblr and it seemed to fit in with everything i felt so i rolled with that. im not a big fan of putting labels on myself though; i dont want to close myself off to romance or sex completely because theres still a chance that in the future i will meet someone whose clothes i want to rip off, but it hasnt happened yet and for right now im happy with the way that things are

so my advice to you would be to find someone nice to kiss, treat yourself to something off the mcdonalds saver menu and see what happens next (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

lmaoo but yeah in all seriousness, its taken years for me to decide on and come to terms with maybe being asexual (i’ve only actually told one person irl that im probably ace). if you think you might be asexual too then i hope i’ve been able to help in some way, all i’d say is dont try to rush the decision and just let yourself decide over time using your own experience

and if you do end up learning something about your sexuality then great!! pls keep me updated, i’d love to chat some more!

[ismsposts]

prologue

*wrote this on my notes apps 1st April 2022, 6pm*

Since this morning, i started to feel uneasy. nervous la easy to say. For no reason - or not?

Exactly a week ago, I was having trouble to sleep and randomly came across CN & DD scandal on yt after trying to find out about PDP scandal back in the days after binging J from the ROfficial after watching his congratulation single ft PDP to address the biggest scandal on yt history in related to PDP with the currently biggest youtuber in the world - TS. Fuhh. Thats a long one.

So yeah. That’s how I found this yt channel owned by this particular person whom i choose not to disclose - why? idk. Ok fine, lets called them HT. I started following HT since day one of finding out DD scandal. It was somewhat around 4am, after binging J and found out what really happen to the VS, I watched the VS old videos and immediately attracted to HT with one thought in mind - “why i didnt noticed this human before”. There’s one phase of my life where I used to watch VS videos I think sometime on 2018. Jumping on DD’s bandwagon way to late I guess. 

Ok, back to how I react this few days. I wasnt really want to follow HT so much. At first I was just curious on DD scandal then I realised I didnt noticed HT from before. But that dream of mine made me do this. I saw HT in my dream and that was it. Game over man. One incident just enough to fall into the catch. And one week to finally realised that what i’m doing now is freakin sick. 

I tweeted this just now, “too much of something is never a good thing” cause I do realised that i overdid myself. I wonder why I suddenly felt so uneasy, almost anxious, since morning today. Is it because of the caffeine or because of HT’s withdrawal. 

I spent almost 24 hours last week on youtube. SICK! That’s why I decide to go on a yt detox - at least for a week. BUT, I cant! hahaha. I just need yt. I’ve tried to divert myself from youtube to binging netflix - currently watching snowpiercer S3. BUT failed. I still will go back to yt once I get bored. And you know what, I’ve been watching netflix 1.5x now. I guess that helps me a lot these days to complete 1 season faster.

Back to the story of HT. I wanted to share an early sign of HT addiction. I keep wanting HT. I know its not possible, but I pictured myself into HT’s life also known as day dreaming. I started to follow the way HT speak and laugh and HT’s face expression. Dang it. This is so bad! Binging HT productions on yt is one thing. But following HT stuff on ig is way too much i think. Its almost embarrassing to think about, but I just wanted to commemorate this moment. It will be funny to read this 5 or 10 years from now. If apple product is still relevant. Finger cross.

Now every time i went to yt homepage, i saw HT. How am I gonna withdraw from this addiction?? I give this feeling for another week. Let see if i still feel the same. 

Few takeaway from discovering HT are..

1) I wanted to become a better person - I aspired to act like HT. At least i got the inspiration to start watching over my health more. I think I should start doing fitness or run or doing something physical and be active.

2) Discovering HT makes me wanted to go to NYC more than ever. Felt like the USA trip is coming sooner than i think. Trip from boston down to NYC, crossing over the country to LA, maybe spent 2-3 days visiting chicago or arizona or even SF. Idk. But I will do it. That’s one of my bucket list. But i know that i couldn’t do that alone, so imma start looking for a partner in crime whose ready for the adventure babyyy!

Lastly, 3) I questioned myself creatively, specifically on yt activities and mentally, on how i lead my life. I wanted to do yt just to make myself useful. nope jk. Actually i dont want an exposure. I just want to do something that 50 years old me would thank to. Like documenting my 20s & 30s. Its more than ever before, I feel like westerner doesnt seem to care about age so much. They just live their life! Contrary from where I came from. At certain age, i have to act this way, do this way and be this way. I no longer can do things 15 years old me did when I’m on my 20s. I no longer can travel solo and act foolishly on my 30s or 40s or when I’m married. Society-defined life - I dont wanna live that. Now im 27, almost 28, I want to keep my mental young and my body fit!

HT addiction isnt bad at all. At least I got to reinvent my self, challenged myself and start risking myself to step away from my comfort, boring life. I always complaining that my life wasnt as fun as others. That’s because I limit myself to move just around my safe zone. 

So starting from the month of ramadan this year, I want to start a new life. In shaa Allah. I failed when i turned 27 tho its just 5 months ago. But i’m thrilled to start again. I tweeted today, “u r afraid to start something cause u might be bad at it.. truth is every things need to start somewhere and u cant be good at it on a first try - that's pure luck”

***

I think imma start a new website or blog or a social media account where I can write for no context. I write anonymously, random thoughts and in incognito mode. Well.. I wonder can i do that? hmmmm.

I guess lets just do it.

As a start, i think social media acc like fb, insta and whats popular now seems risky, at any second people can know the person behind the mask - which is me. Lol. So i think website is a good one. Or maybe twitter or any blogging apps will do. well well well… What’s it gonna be?

[domhovasse]

Single and ready to mingle.

After Alyssa and I said our goodbyes in Ho Chi Minh city, I head out to get some food and walk around a little before catching my bus to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I hadn’t gotten sick at all on the trip yet, and knew that it had to come sooner or later. I think it was a combo of the heat/lack of sleep/alcohol the night before but I felt nauseous the entire 6-hour bus ride and ended up throwing up on the side of the road during our washroom/meal breaks. I got to my hostel pretty late in the evening, and went straight to bed after checking in. Not sure what had gotten into me, but I knew the best thing to do was to try and sleep it off.

The next morning I woke up at a decent hour, had a nice big smoothie for breakfast, and headed out to explore some of the city. I began at the National Museum, which was quite mediocre in my opinion, and then after checking out one of the cities’ many temples, I got lunch along the river, before heading to the Grand Palace. My buddy Thomas, who we had met on our Ha Long Bay cruise, and then again in Hanoi, happened to be at the same hostel in Phnom Penh at the same time as me. He hadn’t visited the palace yet, so he decided to join me. Turns out I wasn’t fully over my sickness yet, because I ended up almost fainting and throwing up on the grounds of the Grand Palace. Thank God I was able to keep it in, because wow, what a place to get sick. After the temple, I knew I had to get back to the hostel, so we shared a tuk-tuk back, and I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping. I woke up just in time for my dinner plans with Alyson, a friend who had been living in Phnom Penh for a few years. After catching up over dinner, she dropped me back off at my hostel, and since I was feeling much better, decided to partake in the hostel’s bar crawl, although I didn’t partake in the drinking aspect of it.

The following morning, Rohini, one of my roommates during my exchange in Paris, flew from Singapore to meet me and we caught a bus to Siem Reap together. We arrived in the afternoon, checked into our hostel and then spent most of the day walking around town, getting food, and browsing the market. After dark, we eventually made our way back to our hostel, and went to sleep at a decent hour, after participating in a few hostel games.

The following day began at 4am, to watch the sunrise over Angkor Wat (classic tourist move), and then exploring a few of the incredible temples around. I honestly didn’t know too much about this temple complex going into is, but I very quickly learned the significance and importance of it, and how it was once the largest civilisation in the world. I was continuously blown away by its intricacy - how immense and how impressive it was especially for its time, and how much of it remains intact today. It was quite an incredible experience and at the end of the day, it actually left me feeling quite insignifiant and miniscule. We stayed longer than the tour and rented a tuktuk to check out some more temples that were a little more off the beaten path, before heading back to the hostel in the afternoon. There was a pool party going on, but we were quite exhausted, so we took a nap and hungout for a bit before heading out to grab dinner, walk around town, and get pedicures.

On our last day, Rohini and I were wanting to do different things, so we ended up going our separate ways, me to a floating village on a lake (w/ Thomas who I had originally met Vietnam), and her on some mountain/waterfall excursion. That night, we met back up at the hostel to grab food together and then met up for a beer with a guy Rohini had met on her excursion. He was living in Shanghai at the time, so it was interesting to talk to him and compare experiences.

Later that night, we caught our overnight bus back to Phnom Penh, and we spent half of the day diving into some of the dark, awful history of the genocide that affected Cambodia not so long ago. After visiting the Khmer Rouge Killing Fields and the Tuol Sleng Genocide museum, Rohini had to catch her uber to the airport, so I checked into my hostel and freshened up a little bit. Later on that afternoon, after wandering the Central market for a while, I walked over to Wat Phnom Temple. From there I went to the night market, where my friend Alison picked me up on her scooter, and we had the BEST nachos for dinner. (I know it’s not very ‘Cambodian’, but at this point I was so grateful to eat good western food.) After eating, she dropped me off at the hostel and I hung out in my room for a bit before going to bed.

The next morning, I took a shuttle bus to Kampot, a quiet river-side town with a beautiful backdrop of the Elephant mountains. After checking in at my hostel, I recognized a girl from my previous hostel, who also took the same shuttle bus as me, so we got to talking and ended up joining forces since she was also travelling alone. We spent the rest of that afternoon & evening on a booze cruise along the river, blasting music, drinking a couple beers, and getting to know everyone. We also stopped at a little secluded beach to play some volleyball and go swimming before watching the sunset over the river. That night when we got back to the hostel, we ate dinner, and went out with some of our new friends.

The following day we went on an excursion through our hostel, driving scooters around the countryside, first stopping at the salt fields, then a pepper farm, a few temple caves (one of which we swam in), and lastly, at a ‘secret lake’ that apparently was built by slave labour during the Khmer Rouge time. It was so nice to scooter around the beautiful countryside, learning a thing or two about the region and also how pepper is made! That night our hostel was having a pool party, so we hung out at the pool for a bit, ate dinner, and then went out to a bar with our little crew. Long story short, halfway through our night, I ended up burning my leg on the exhuast pipe of our tuktuk. Because I was at the beach and in the water for the next few days after the injury, I wasn’t really able to let it heal properly, so now I have a nice scar that will probably be stuck with me for a loooong time.

On our last day, we slept in and then decided to spend the day at Arcadia, a famous hostel with a riverside waterpark. We took a tuktuk there and spent a few hours hanging out in hammocks, floating around in innertubes, rope swinging and ziplining. There was a huge slide and a blob, but I opted out because I didnt want to risk rubbing my ankle burn and making it worse. When we got back to the hostel it started pouring rain, as in torrential downpour, so we hungout in our room for a while. That evening, we decided to walk into town and get dinner at the market, since we hadn’t really seen much of the actual town yet. Since we had sort of become friends with both our tuktuk driver and the owner of the bar we had been going to everynight, we decided to have one last hurrah (& say our goodbyes.)

The next 6 days were spent on the beach, first on Koh Rong Island, and then the smaller, more remote Koh Rong Samloem. Both were so beautiful, and quiet. I originally wasn’t planning on making it to the islands, but I had met so many people were very adamant about the Cambodian islands being even better than the Thai ones.

Because of the lack of internet, it’s quite difficult to book accomodation online, so we ended up walking around with our bags for most of the afternoon before finding an available guesthouse. Funny story, we actually walked all the way to the furthest beach from the pier (25 minute walk), and ended up paying for a water taxi back to the main beach since there were no vacancies and we didn’t want to walk all the way back. It was a really windy day and the waves were pretty rough, plus we were in a small rowboat, so with every paddle, water came pouring in over the edge and all our clothes and bags got completely drenched. When we finally found a guesthouse, we gathered our clothes to be cleaned and walked around a bit before getting dinner.

The next day we slept in and spent the majority of the day at SokSan Long Beach. I have never seen such white sand, or clear water in my life, plus we surprisingly had almost the entire beach to ourselves. The only downside was that I got attacked by sand flies and for the next few days my legs were covered in flea bites. It literally looked like I had chicken pox all over again. After making our way back to the village to freshen up and eat dinner, we met up with Thom, Liam and Sam at a bar, and then we all went to a beach party together. On our last morning, Maren woke up feeling sick, so she decided to stay in while I spent the day on a boat excursion snorkeling, visiting a few tiny islands hanging out on some beaches, sitting by a campfire during sundown, and diving underwater to see bio-luminescent plankton after dark. I hit it off with a Swedish girl on the excursion, who invited me to meet up with her and some friends for some drinks after dinner. The next morning we caught our ferry boat to Koh Rong Samloem, where we spent 3 of the greatest days of my existence.

There was no wifi at all on the island, and we were staying in little cabins in the woods/along the beach, so it honestly felt kind of like summer camp for adults, and I loved every second of it - mosquito nets and all. We were reunited with our buddies Thom, Sam and Liam, met some new wonderful people, and had the most wonderful technology-free couple of days. During the day, we spent our time hanging out at the beach sun tanning, swimming, and relaxing before playing games and having themed parties at night. One day we went on a boating excursion where we got to snorkel, visit some of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever seen, and even go fishing for our own lunch (& then grill it on the boat). The only minor downsides were that there were no food options besides the hostel restaurant, so obviously the food and drinks were a little expensive. They also used a tab system for payment, where you pay up at the end of your stay, which caused some problems for a few people who didn’t have enough cash on then to settle their tab.  

We took a ferry back to Sihanoukville, ran into Thomas at the pier (who was leaving later that afternoon) and spent an afternoon at the beach there together with our buddies Sam and Liam. There isn’t much to do at all in this city - we were actually told to avoid it by several people, but both their buses and my flight wasn’t until the following morning, so we ended up staying the night. After the beach, we said our goodbyes to Thom, then got khmer massages and ate dinner at our hostel with our the British boys before going to bed.

From Sihanoukville, I caught a flight to Kuala Lumpur, where I spent the next 2 and a half days. After settling in and then getting dinner at the nearby market in Chinatown, I returned to my hostel, where much to my surprise, I discovered that Killian, a french guy I had met during the pub crawl in Phnom Penh, was not only staying in the same hostel as me in KL, but he was put in the same room as me. That first night we had gone to a rooftop club, and had quite a late night, so the following morning I had to force him out of bed, and after getting lunch at an indoor market, we spent most of the afternoon at the Islamic Arts Museum and the National Mosque. That evening we got dinner, and I spent the rest of my night hanging out, napping, and catching up on tv shows.

We woke up pretty early the following morning to make the trek out to Batu Caves (a series of caves and Hindu cave temples). We got back to our hostel in the afternoon to change/freshen up and then spent some time walking around the financial district and taking pictures with the Petronas Towers. From there we went for sunset rooftop drinks at the Heli Lounge bar, before heading to Bukit Bintag neighbourhood to wander and get dinner at the Jalan Alor street market.

My third morning, I checked out of my hostel, visited one last temple and got on a bus to Georgetown, Penang. Once again, in hindsight I totally should have booked an overnight bus and squeezed in another city, instead of wasting a whole day travelling, but now I have something to look forward to for next time. It is such a lovely and quaint little city, with picturesque buildings and world-famous food. It was such a lovely mix of so many cultures and religions living in peace, and harmony. When I arrived at my hostel, they had made a mistake and I wasn’t in the system, even though I had made a booking online, so I spent the rest of the evening walking around, trying to find an available hostel. It took me a while, but I eventually found one, got some dinner, and had a pretty early night.

The following morning I got up quite early, checked out of my hostel, and spent the entire day walking around, visiting various sights, including temples and old Peranakan mansions, (desendants of Chinese immigrants who settled between the 15-17th centuries.) It was quite an exhuasting day, so in the early evening I headed back to the hostel, where I met my American roommate, Trey. The rest of the night I just hung out, got dinner, and then participated in the beer pong tournament and pub crawl put on by my hostel.

The next day was quite brutal. One of the worst hangovers of my life, plus the 35 degree heat, but I knew I would feel at least a little better if I got up and did something. With Trey, the guy from my hostel room, we visited the Upside Down museum, took some funny pictures, and then spent a few hours walking around, mostly by the water, checking out some of the Clan Jetties, (floating villages occupied by Chinese clans) and street art. We were both still very exhausted from the night before, plus walking around all day, so we went back to the hostel and hung around most of the evening before getting dinner, and having an early bedtime.

On my last day, I woke up early to go on a free walking tour before taking the tram up to Penang Hill, where I walked around for a bit and enjoyed a nice view of the Island. From there walked over to Kek Lok Si Temple. It’s a massive Temple on a hill, and honestly one of the most beautiful, impressive temples I have ever seen. There was some sort of ceremony going on which added to the experience. I eventually made my way back to my hostel, stopping for athentic Penang Laksa on the way, and spent the rest of the evening hanging out at my hostel, before catching an uber to the bus station.

That night, I caught an overnight bus to Singapore. I arrived just before noon, dropped my things off at Rohini’s apartment, and took a public bus into downtown to meet her at work. We went on a little bike ride, and then walked around downtown and Chinatown. At one point we were walking along Robertson Quay, when I thought I recognized 2 people walking in our direction. We realized we knew each other at the exact same time and ran into each other’s arms. What are the odds of me randomly running into Kelowna friends in Singapore! Rohini also introduced me to a few of her coworkers, whom we met up with for a snack and some afternoon beers. After walking around  a bit more and passing through the National Museum, we went home to hangout before having dinner at a Hawker Center near Roh’s apartment, and had made plans to meet up with Meghan and Nick for rooftop drinks at Marina Bay Sands.

We went to Universal Studios one day, which obviously was a good time. Rohini doesn’t like roller coasters so I did those alone, but thanks to her free fastpast from work, we were able to essentially do all of the rides once! In the evening, we met up with Rohini’s roommate, got dinner together at an outdoor food court/market, and met up with an old friend Patricia (whom we had both met back during exchange in 2015 when we were visiting Poland.) First we went for drinks at a cute wine bar, and then we did some dancing at a salsa bar in Clarke Quay.

On my last day, we went for brunch together in a cute area called Tiong Bahru, and then I spent the rest of the day alone, walking around and exploring different areas including Little India, Kampong Glam (the Malay-Muslim neighbourhood), and a bit of the downtown core, before meeting back up with Rohini and her roommate at Gardens by the Bay to watch the sunset and  grab dinner at an outdoor foodcourt.

That night, I caught an overnight bus back to Kuala Lumpur, because flights back to China were much cheaper from there. I had a bit of a layover in Kuala Lumpur, enough to transfer from the bus station to the airport and still have to wait a couple of hours, and eventually caught my flight to Kunming, where I had a 6-hour layover before finally boarding my flight to Wuhan. It was one of the longest travel days of my life, and when I finally got home just after 1am, I couldn’t have been happier to be back in my very uncomfortable chinese bed.

[itwaslastnightwhenifellinlove]

Gentlemen

Type: One Shot | Imagine About Tristan Rating: Rated PG Word Count: 2,298 Requested: Yes Enjoy! I swayed my hips to the music as I let the day go. Closing my eyes as I allow the music to take over. I felt someone come up behind me, I smiled as I felt his hands on my hips. I turned as I opened my eyes, our eyes meet as we moved to the beat. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he tighten his grip on my hips. I turned my back to him with his hands against my hips. I reached back grabbing his hand as I grinding against him. He pushed his hips towards mine as I moved to the beat. Once the music started to slow down we walked towards the bar. He nodded to the bartender as he was ready to order. He ordered us both a drink before turning back to me. "You have good moves" he smiled. "Thank you" I said as I sat on the stool. "No problem" he smiled as he moved closer to me. "So why did you want to dance with me?" I asked as I grabbed my drink. "Because you are beautiful" he took a sip from his drink. "Ok I think you are just trying to pick me up" I rolled my eyes. "No, of course not" he brushed the hair from my face. "How do I know you aren't?" I asked. "You just have to trust me" he looked at me. "We shall see" I looked at him. "Good, lets just have a good time" he nodded. I took another sip from my drink before pulling him back to the dance floor. Wrapping my arms around his neck as he places his hands on my hips. Our bodies moved as one as the beat flowed through the speakers. Every slow song came on we would go grab another drink. I was feeling good, my mind was free and I was happy. After about the fifth drink I could tell that I was starting to get drunk. "I think I should go" I said. "Let me get you a cab" he grabbed my hand. "Sure" I nodded as I followed him. We walked out of the club and I stood against the building as he hailed a cab. He walked back to where I was standing at, grabbing my hand. Everything started to spin as I walked towards the cab. I pulled back as I bend over throwing up. He pulled my hair out of my face as he rubbed my back. I finally stopped wiping my mouth before getting into the cab. I was about to shut the door but he stopped me as he started to get in. I moved over to the other side of the cab as I looked at him. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Making sure you get home safe" He placed his arm around me. "Im sure Ill be fine" I said. "I just want to make sure" he nodded, giving the cab driver directions. I guess I was too drunk to realize that we were going to his place. I rested my head against his shoulder as he held me close to him. I felt him sit up as he paid the driver before we got out of the car. "Where are we?" I asked. "We are at my place, its fine you are safe" he nodded as he opened the door. "This was your plan all along" I looked at him. "I didnt know where you live plus you are too drunk to tell me, just come on" He grabbed my hand leading me into the house. I followed him as he opened the door allowing me to go in first. He turned on the lights as we walked into the living room. I sat down on the couch as he went into the kitchen. He got a glass of water and two aspirins before returning back to the living room. By the time he got back I was fast asleep on the couch, he smiled to himself as he looked at me. He slipped my shoes off as well as my jacket before moving me up to his room. Laying me on the bed, pulling the blankets around me, turning on the fan before leaving the room. I shuffled in the sheets as the sun started to peek through the window. "Good morning, " he sat on the edge of the bed. "Uh?" I opened my eyes. "Good morning, " he said once again. "Where am I?" I sat up in the bed. "You are at my place, don't worry your safe, " he placed his hand over mine. "Did we?" I looked down to see my pants were off. "No, we didn't, I put you to bed last night" he nodded. "So nothing happened?" I questioned. "No, I made you breakfast, " he said. "You didn't have to do any of this, you just met me" I looked at him. "I know that, but you could of got hurt, " he looked at me. "I normally don't get that drunk" I spoke softly. "Well, here take two of these, it will help with the headache, " he handed me two aspirins. I took the aspirins out of his hand, putting them into my mouth. I grabbed the glass of water next to the bed drinking a few sips to help the pills go down. He moved the covers off of me as he held onto my hand. He helped me out of the bed, my legs were weak, but I was fine. I walked downstairs with him as he lead me into the kitchen. He placed the plates on the table as I sat down at the table. He had made waffles with strawberries that had powered sugar sprinkled on. I looked at him and couldn't help but smile, he went so far out of his way for someone he didn't know. We both started to eat and I must say it was delicious. I finished all of my food before walking over to the sink. Laying my plate down as I looked back at him. Before he could say anything I went back upstairs, getting dressed. Well, at least just putting my pants on before coming back downstairs. I found my purse in the living room as well as my jacket and shoes. "Where do you want me to take you?" he asked. "I can call a taxi, " I said. "I don't mind, " he said as he moved closer to me. "I'm sure if cost you enough trouble already" I looked at him. "I really don't mind, " he placed his hand on my chin. "Can you take me home?" I asked as our eyes meet. "It would be my pleasure, " he smiled slightly. We left his house as he lead me to his car. Opening the door for me as I got inside, making sure i was in before closing the door. He walked around getting in the driver side, turning the car on. I gave him directions to get to my apartment. The drive was quick and silent, he pulled up to my driveway. He turned the engine off as we sat in silence. "Thank you, " I said. "No problem, can I see you again?" he asked as he looked at me. "I would like that" I turned to look at him. "Tell me when and where, I'll be yours, " he smiled as our eyes meet. "Why?" I asked. "Because I think there is something there, " he said. "Me too, " I leaned towards him. He placed his hand on my neck, brushing his thumb against my cheek. Our eyes locked on each other as he edges closer to me. His lips slightly touching mine as I rested my hand on his chest. I deepened the kiss as I moved closer to him, his hand still against my cheek. I slightly pulled away resting my forehead against his as our eyes meet once again. I sat back in the seat, catching my breath before getting out of the car. Of course he meets me in front of his car offering his arm. I smiled slightly as I grabbed his arm, he leads me upstairs. Kissing my cheek softly before leaving me on the porch. He returns back to his car as I slipped inside my apartment. I looked out the window as he pulled away, I could see the smile on his face. We would text through out the day and talk at night. It seemed like my sleeping schedule took a backseat because we would talk until 4am each morning. We finally decided a date that would work for us both, I didn't know what he had planned. I turned my music on as the water rushed out of the shower head. I allowed my robe to slip from my shoulders and onto the floor. My phone lit up as I picked it up I could see it was from Tristan. I smiled slightly when he said he would pick me up at 8pm. I got into the shower allowing the water to run down my skin. I finally finished taking a shower, turning the water off. Standing in front of the mirror as I knew this date could change everything. I slicked my hair back in a high bun before getting dressed. I applied a little bit of makeup but not too much. I made my way downstairs slipping on my flip flops, grabbing my purse before heading out the door. He finally pulled up parking his car in my driveway. He made his way to the steps where I was standing, offering his hand. "Good evening" he smiled as I took his hand. "Thank you" I said as I walked with him. "My pleasure" he opened the car door. I got into the car and once I buckled my seatbelt he closed the door. Making his way to the driver seat, starting the car so the ac could take effect. Clicking his seatbelt before pulling out of my driveway. We started to make our way downtown, I had no idea where we were going. "May I ask where we are going?" I asked. "We are going somewhere special" he smiled as he looked at me. "Alright" I smiled as I looked out the window. We finally pulled into a parking lot and I was confused. Why were we at the beach when it was closed? He walked to my side of the car opening the door. He reached for my hand, I placed my hand in his as I got out of the car. He lead me down to a candle light picnic. I took my seat across from him, he placed the food in front of us. I just looked at him just wondering where he has been hiding. The conversation flowed between us rather easy, just talking like best friends. "This was amazing" I smiled. "I just wanted to impress you, " he looked at me. "Well, you did it, so beautiful" I looked up at the sky. "Want to see a better view?" he asked. "What you mean?" I asked. "May I?" he asked as he took my hand. I nodded my head as I got up from my seat. He leads me up a cliff, that was over the water. I sat down, allowing my legs to dangle from the Clift. He sat down next to me, placing his arm around my waist. I rested my head down on his shoulder as we looked out. It was peaceful, where the beach was full of life was empty. It was silent as the stars twinkled in the sky. Time seemed to stand still as we looked at the stars, it was just us. He placed his hand on my chin, tilting it towards him. Keeping his hand on my cheek as he leaned towards me. Allowing our lips to touch slightly. I closed my eyes as I kissed him, his thumb brushed against my cheek. He slightly pulled away as we both opened our eyes. I smiled slightly as I looked at him, my hand resting on his leg. I looked down at my phone seeing the time and knew we needed to go. It was the first time I checked my phone all night. He got up from his spot grabbing my hands, helping me up. We made our way back to his car, opening the door for me. I smiled, kissing his cheek before getting into the car. We drove back towards my apartment and of course he walked me to my door. "I really enjoyed tonight" I looked at him. "Me too, " he smiled slightly. "I would really like to see you again" I nodded. "I would enjoy that" he grabbed my hand. "Let's make that happen" I shuffled things in my purse. I finally found my keys and opened my door. I waved goodbye to him before closing the door as he went back to his car. Over the next few weeks we grew closer together and we turned into a relationship. It was nice to be with someone different. All my life I would date jerks and assholes, but Tristan was different. Of course it was something I would have to get used to. He soon turned into my best friend plus my boyfriend so it was best of both worlds. I could talk to him about anything and not be judged. He would always think outside of the box and do the sweetest dates that he could think of. It was nice to just slow down when life is trying to pass you by and enjoy peoples company.

[survivormyanmar-blog]

Ep. #3 - “I Will NOT Be Dick Blinded” - Tommy

Returning to camp after voting Maranda out unanimously, the Fans tribe was determined to change their losing ways.  The Immunity Challenge was announced and it was an Endurance challenge called Sharp Shooter.  Both tribes came up with their unique strategic plans and both had early success taking out members of the other tribe.  As the challenge progressed into the night it was pretty much a stand still with no one being taken out from either tribe.  Linus and Keegan battled hard for the Fans throughout the night slowly taking out all of the Favs as they fell asleep until around the 12 hour mark of the challenge when they finally took out Christian who was the last Fav standing.  Heading to Tribal Council for the first time, the Favorites tribe majority alliance of “The Golden Girls” were trying to decide whether to take out Richie or Gaston while telling the others the fake plan of voting out Ashley.  They ended up deciding that Richie was the best choice to vote out as he is the bigger threat later on in the game.  The vote was 8-1-1 with Richie throwing his vote at Steffen for making him suffer through Gilmore Girls and Gaston voting for Ashley to make it look like he didnt know what was going on.

This immunity challenge is still in and we are in hour 4 and I’m fucking out. Endurance comps like this are made for me and the fact I couldn’t spell Steffen’s name right pisses me off. I am paying attention very well to the faves who are still in this game. Those are threats I need to target as soon as I can. Obviously when I get on a tribe with them I won’t do it so fast but more so Natalie Anderson style. Got my kill list ready and when time aim that AK 47 and boom send their asses out. Steffen’s at the top cause i’m a petty bitch.

It’s 4am …we’ve been doing this challenge since 11pm…i have to be up in like 4 hours…im gonna DIE http://68.media.tumblr.com/392dc0d4e441985657d1572b6ca2abc7/tumblr_ohjn57cUZu1vaedr6o5_400.gif

Me right now in this challenge: https://68.media.tumblr.com/115b4df19a6863f5ec4f42b4b3eb84e1/tumblr_nrxeqavSoh1uafkuoo1_500.gif http://67.media.tumblr.com/1c93afbff2e88c104cd62d06726d9024/tumblr_inline_obxjdkpKfA1rirbae_500.png

I am up watching this immunity competition still go at 5 fucking am crying my eyes out becaue I’m out. Of course I’m gonna be talking game. I told Brett and Keegan tonight i want Linus out over Leah. I know hands down if we loose immunity Carlos is going but if we loose another they may turn against Leah and I need Leah. I trust Leah. So I’m trying to get them to turn against Linus but Brett was being a stuck up bitch and wouldn’t agree to it as he said him and Adrian have Linus under their fingers. Which is why I want him out!!! Like I want my 5 to be having side alliances. Only I am the one to have side alliances. While I’m talking to Linus as well but more so just trying to bond with him so he likes me.

Well holy fuck I’ve been going for like 7 fucking hours at this comp. I feel like before an issue my tribe was having with me was the fact that they kept doing challenges when I wasn’t around so they didnt know if I was able to help the team in that way, so at least that perception has changed. I really don’t think theres any way Im the last person standing in this challenge, but god knows I dont want to drop at all now :(  . The most exciting thing about this whole ordeal is the cave. Advantages are like kryptonite to me, so I don’t even particularly want one, I just want to see whats there. Plus if I get whatever is there, that means someone else wont be which is a plus. Onto the news of tribal, yes!! Everything went just as was planned! I recieved a vote again, which meant no one was actively trying to protect me from Miranda, but whatevs, I live to see another day!! The huge irony in all this is how everyone is worried about Maranda flipping at a swap, yet the tribe has given nothing but reasons for a couple people to flip. Im starting to feel a little (Not a lot) more comfortable with my people. Carlos might be at the bottom now which would buy me one more round, and if we swapped I’m still thinking I stick with the Mata, but still. The tribe were grade A morons for allowing people to feel so on the outs at all. I understand Im playing with a bunch of amateurs here, buuuuut come on! Don’t give people a goddamn reason to be against you! Whatever though, if I can ride this out just a little longer I feel like Im in the spot where I can see where the numbers are. Im really about to die of exhaustion, but I can’t stop now so Ima put on some hard rock music, and Ill report back whenever it is I wake up tomorrow haha.  

So Im out earlier than I had hoped because of a bit of a sketchy ruling which sucks. I understand stand that Kait was trying to follow the rules to the best of her knowledge of what they were, so this isn’t meant to throw shade at her, and I get that the main hosts have to sleep, but I just have to get some therapeutic ranting off my chest (I might sound pretty angry, because I am, but Ill get over it haha, just ignore the rest of this confessional if you want  :P ). I was going hard for this, and this was supposed to be the comp that got the fans out of the fucking gutter, but now we are left with one completely demoralized player in Keegan when I should still be there fighting the good fight. Despite things I’ve said in the past I really do want a fan to win this game (No matter how stupid some of their gameplay is haha). Call me crazy old school or whatever you want to say, but I am for my allies and teammates first, and myself second. Sure, maybe my whole tribe isn’t my allies, but some of these people are, and even though we may not be aligned yet I see Keegan working her ass off for the tribe and now she has to go double time because of this!

Well, we lost, unsurprisingly. I pretty much went in with an “I’m gonna go to bed when I want and see how it goes” attitude so I woke up ready. I’m gonna try not to play too aggressively so early because I don’t want to be seen as a threat until later on in the game, but I also know I want to vote out Richie since he’s a huge long term threat and didn’t pull his weight in the challenge. I’ve got my core alliance and I know that I’ve got Steffen and Sam, so I think we’ll be alright.

ok i’m kinda sorry but also extremely not for falling asleep because i swam well today anyway i’m hoping that within the next 24 hours i get word of a plan. jay wants to vote either richie or gaston which is probably smart because maldives is powerful but i’m really hoping to hear more ability strategy than just with jay!! but i’m about to nap so i’m blessed

After Immunity: The fact that more than half the Mata tribe dropped within the first hour just irritates me to the core. Like seeing that Keegan and Linus, who lasted 12 hours and myself lasted a good 6 hours, it just sucks that people are making us to be the tribe strength and carrying this once failing tribe. I won’t be at all surprised if people start to revolt to get rid of the physical threats before we merge. I’m just over it.

I’m happy we won the challenge. I really couldn’t go to a third tribal countil in a row. Tribal council constipates me.

Day 4/5 Getting the squad to vote MARANDA off was not difficult at all. It required no explanation whatsoever. Unity is required in situations like a tribal swap and they happen as early as the third round. MARANDA would have been a major liability in that case. NEHE postured to get rid of CARLOS instead just because he’s an enigma to NEHE. I have a lot more control over CARLOS than MARANDA, so I was adamant that NEHE see reason, but didn’t want to push too much social capital. Fortunately, as KEEGAN and ADRIAN also spurned MARANDA, they pushed to stay the course as well. She will be a lovely bride. She is a lovely mother. She played this game pitifully. She claimed in her tribal answers that we were petty and gave her the silent treatment and that was extremely laughable. She didn’t try. At all. She called herself a fighter and then she laid down to die. Eight fans remaining with ten still on the opposition. The situation is dire, but not impossible to recover from. No swap this time and ADRIAN, KEEGAN, KRYSTEN, and I all see LINUS as a great potential #6 to our squad–an Edna Ma from Survivor: South Pacific, if you will. NEHE, however, fears ADRIAN is getting too close with LINUS and wants him out next. NEHE told me he hates predictability and that is a major red flag with me. Will NEHE throw a wrench into the works just to keep things entertaining? Will I respond to his cry for attention and pull LINUS in to vote him out for being a loose cannon? NEHE favors LEAH (and it looks like no one favors CARLOS–I did until he proclaimed I was the leader at our first tribal council, a major disappointment). I am very wary about LEAH. If it were up to me, she’d be the next to go because she knows more than she claims, transparently so. The live challenge comes on a Friday night and I, of course, have plans, but with the insane nature of the challenge and my level of competitive edge, I decided to attempt to balance both the challenge and my evening with my friend. That didn’t end up working–I think I was probably the 2nd of the fans to be eliminated. I was picking up cake ingredients at the grocery store and the Skype chat was updating too slow for me to react in time–I could only dodge two of the three shots fired at me. I felt bad about letting down the group, but I know I can come back from this. I enjoyed my evening with my friend, popping in here and there to check on the others. NEHE rashly fucked up even though he poured his soul into the challenge. KEEGAN proved to be a very worthy leader in the challenge and he and LINUS fortunately carried us to victory after 12 hours of fighting. I couldn’t believe how much of themselves they gave to the challenge. It’s incredible and I owe both of them a lot. LINUS far and away recovered from his poor challenge performance from the first two challenges and NEHE has no leg to stand on for wanting to eliminate him. Both LEAH and CARLOS haven’t contributed to any challenge success.

It’s always really funny to see someone who is on the outside still scramble to make bonds with people, despite winning immunity. Like, are you trying to make yourself a more distinct target? Please, take a chill pill or two cause you’re ruining this harmonious vibe.

Twelve and a half hours. That’s how long I sat at my computer during that challenge. It was worth every second. To push through that long without sleeping, without a lapse in focus and win immunity for my tribe is such an invigorating experience. Linus and I broke our losing streak through pure determination. Winning this challenge could be a double edged sword though. We won immunity, I’ve gotten massive respect from my tribe but I’ve also put a huge target on my back as a challenge threat. The only thing I can do is wait to see how this all plays out.

We made it boys! So after 12  hours the final favourite finally dropped, and oops, now Im way behind on my philosophy paper because  I had to sleep all day but it’s #worth! I finally did  something for my tribe, we got some moment changed and all seems pretty good :D . At the cave I found a flashlight down the right path, and I came across a body of water. Well what a lucky coincidence because Keegan just so happened to find some darkness and a snorkle :^) .  Honestly, do I reaaaally care whats at the end of this cave? Probably not, I likely wont be the  first to get there. However, I now have a secret Keegan and I share and we are both hunting for whatever is in this cave together, so that should definitely bring the two of us closer! On top of that we we’re the  two who stayed up so I think we both have some respect for each other. Nehe is also finally giving me the time of day which is good because I get the feeling he’s playing a strong social game with  those he’s close to, so thats another in. Also, if Brett is actually with me like he says, then now if people do push me he has something he can point at and say, no, Linus is with the team and worked hard for us so lets keep him for now! Im back off to my paper, but Ill keep yall posted :D

The bottom line is that we’re gonna try to blindside Richie at tribal tonight. I want to get him out because I see him as a huge long term threat, but he also flopped at the challenge, so he’s very easy to throw under the bus this round. We’ve got the votes. Now everyone just needs to keep their shit together.

Okay so its 1:30 and tribal is at 10. Current situation: Jay told me that Tommy and Sam came to her wanting to vote out Richie. Then I was talking to Steffen and she told him the same thing so I think the majority is probably voting Richie. But here’s MY current dilemma. Gaston just told me him and Richie were talking about voting out Ashley. I know the votes wont be there but I don’t know if I should tell Gaston or not. I REALLY dont want him to be in the dark because i’m totally genuine in wanting to work with him but i’m worried that he’ll tell Richie and then i’ll look like a snitch. Jay also made a comment lumping together the maldives people which worries me because i dont want to appear as unapproachable so while I love Richie and would love for him to stick around I feel like voting him out is the best thing to do right now to show that i’m my own person and not playing for my season you know? I just need to figure out what to do about Gaston cause i dont want him to lose trust in me.

[12:23:28 PM] Richie: Thanks Ting :) [12:23:40 PM] Richie: Hopefully we both survive and we get to know each other better [9:32:17 PM] Ting Ting Shi: yes i agree I waited 9 fucking hours for that shit THIS TRIBE IS FULL OF FUCKING LOSERS ALL TOO SCARED TO BRING UP A NAME! I’m throwing Ashley out there YOLO I was gonna throw out Steffen’s name simply for being forced to endure Gilmore Girls on skype last night. But that payback will have to come later.

So no one is talking about the vote. We were down to 7 hours until the vote was due and I needed to go to bed. So I had to do something which I really didn’t want to do because I don’t care enough about who goes to put myself out there like that. They could literally approach me with ANY name and I’d vote that person out. So now I have to be the douche bag who throws out names. MY PLEASURE. So I size up my fucking loser tribe mates: Gaston - We’ll work well together but if we stick together it will eventually get us targeted. For now though, we need each other. Tommy - He tries so hard to win challenges. Useful. Steffen - is one of the chatty ones in a tribe that’s socially dead. We need people with a heart beat so he’s safe. Sam - He’s a guy. He can’t be voted out pre-merge that would be feminist. Jay - Her days are numbered. NUMBERED!!! But for now she’s fine. Amanda - I get “sneaky chaotic neutral” vibes from her which I like so I want her around just to see what she will eventually do. Ting Ling - I feel bad cos she was first boot in her season so I want her to stay so she can play a bit. Christian - I haven’t talked to her yet and have no plans to do so. But she did amazing in the challenge. Useful. Ashley - Who? Guess I’m throwing Ashley’s name out there! HEEEEEY!

OKAY hi, me again. Its 2:43 now and SHITS HITTING THE FAN. Gaston messaged me with updates saying that JAY MADE A CHAT WITH HIM RICHIE TINGTING AND STEFFEN. Either Jay is a mastermind that I can’t figure out or she’s just cracked. She literally came to both me and Steffen earlier saying the vote was Richie but now SHES MAKING A GROUP CHAT WITH HIM AND PLAYING GASTON LIKE A FIDDLE. So obviously that being said i’m gonna be a loyal ass bitch and decided now was the time to fill Gaston in about the Richie situation and hes pisssssssed. But he agrees thats Richie leaving might be better for both of us in the long run. But he said he might still vote with Richie so i dont look like a snitch to Jay which is super nice of him. UPDATE WITHIN THE UPDATE ITS NOW 3:00 and JAY JUST MESSAGED ME TELLING ME THE GROUP AND THAT THEYRE USING IT TO MAKE RICHIE AND GASTON FEEL SAFE FJDJDKDKD She also was giving me a heads up that Richie might come talk to me about voting for Ashley and i said thanks and she was like “yeah of course i wanna keep the people i trust in the loop” SO SHE TRUSTS ME? AM I LIKE THE MALDIVES QUEEN OR SOMETHING? Why is she trying to mist Richie and Gaston but trusting me? Do i have fairy wings and sneeze trust glitter? I just hope im not actually a target and i’m the one getting misted. Also im curious to see if Steffen tells me about the group or if he decides to be a shady bitch lmfao okay i’ll be back later checking in again

Its 3:11 and Gaston now thinks they’re actually trying to blindside him and telling me Richie just incase i spilled to them. This tribal is gonna be the death of me

So now that we are going to tribal, alliances are finally forming. I am currentlt in two, one is “The Golden Girls” consisting of Ting Ting, Jay, Tommy and I. And then the other is “the hosts attack us” and that is everyone listed above plus Steffen. I really vibe well with Jay and Tommy, and I already know Steffen from a previous game. They are all people I trust, cant wait to see how it goes!! Vote tonight is supposed to be Richie, and from what we have all talked about it looks like it will be unanimous, but ya never know.

We lost immunity sadly, kinda bummed about that. Now we have to vote one of us out and I like everyone here. I like my place on the tribe but my instinct tells me not to trust anyone. My relationships have changed within the past few days, I feel like I’m less connecting with Ting Ting, she’s not so much a ride or die. I really don’t have anyone I can trust 100% on this tribe. So I’m just gonna have to deal with for now, I feel kinda lonely on this tribe just because I don’t feel anyone cares for me that much. I actually feel closer to Richie/Gaston more than most the people I’m in an alliance with but there’s really nothing I can do since Jay/Steffen have control of the numbers so I’m gonna sit back, relax, and try to get on their good side so they don’t feel compelled to target me anytime soon. Lastly hopefully we win next immunity (if I’m still in) because the fans are trying to stay “8 strong” and their tribals have been so boring, I want to see something fun happen to them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34q25IKADvo

okay ugh i made a messy mistake and it’s my first one like god richie asked if i anyone talked to me and i wasn’t thinking so like i said no STUPID!!!! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY ASHLEY I don’t think anything will come of it but it was a wake up call that i gotta stay woke and trust the process. but i definitely think he’s being shady now damn

I’m honestly so humiliated right now.

Figured I should do a confessional for this round!  The challenge was a good one - definitely more endurance than anything.  I am so glad we don’t have to go to tribal tonight and we owe that alllll to Keegan.  He killed it!  He stayed awake for 12 hours to play.  Nehe helped him stay up and Linus did well too.  I am hoping that we keep our alliance strong if we have to go to tribal again soon.  Bye to a fave tonight!   I also have to get into doing video confessionals again.  So much more fun.  I feel like I’m boring typing out my thoughts in the game.  But the beginning has been stress-free and predictable saying bye to Caroline and Maranda.  

That endurance challenge was something else. I can’t believe that I lasted that long. But that was kind of my plan to start with. Since day one I’ve felt on the outs I guess, so my plan was to not sit out this immunity and prove myself as an asset to the tribe in case we lost and had to go to tribal. Well, we did end up losing, but I was the last one standing. Woo hoo! So obviously my plan worked, because from what I’m hearing the majority is on Richie tonight. Which is great since he didn’t help out at all. Time zone difference or not, he’s never active to begin with and we need to keep our tribe strong so we don’t have to go to another tribal. I feel like a tribe swap is on the horizon, but I could be wrong. If one does happen, please rig me on the same tribe as Ashley, Steffen, and even Jay.

Update: it’s 9:03 as far as I know the vote is still going to be Richie, with Gaston and Richie voting for Ashley. If i’m getting misted and i’m fucked this week then there’s nothing i can do but that would really suck. As always I wont feel safe until tribal is over but we’ll see.