ismsposts

[ismsposts]

My chest feels like it’s going to burst! Isit coz of the caffeine? Pms? Or just my mental being.

It sorta when u r falling in love, u feel the butterflies? Yup, that’s what im having.

Sigh

-10.24pm, 25 june

[ismsposts]

I snapped out at my mum just now, for being such snoozer earlier than my alarm. And she bursting out about the day which not happening yet SO EARLY IN THE FREAKING MORNING. One thing she needs to understand is that, nobody’s want to be told to wake up with such negativity and insensitivity.

And she knew alreadt that I don’t like to be forced to do something or told to do this and that when I’ve already planned everything. Now I feel like I just dont care. I wanna sleep all day!

- 5.30am, 10th April 2022 (D-11)

[ismsposts]

Today, i feel it - i just wanna go back to sleep. Its only friday and i should be like this even if its the weekends.

I have full schedule planned until 21st and i cant be lazy.

How am i gonna start living as a fitness person. Waking up early and hit the gym every day. Urgh. Sometimes i wonder if those peeps ever had to second guess their decision and decide to stay in bed all day err day..

- 5am, 8th April 2022

[ismsposts]

Discipline

I was a prefect back in primary and middle school but did it mean that i know how to discipline?

Answer is, no.

I think i was born with a non-discipline muscle. Its hard for me to do routine as much as following rules.

Remember i was a prefer? But that was just a title, never really care. I was a good student when around teachers but a juvenile around student body. Haha.

But growing up (i mean high school), i did turn into a some sort of a problematic student who caught breaking every rules. But from where I came from, we don’t call parents to school, the teachers put me directly into a trial which is an instant punishment to what I’ve done wrong. I was in boarding high school btw.

But growing much older, the only think I broke was my on rules. Not the law. I self destructive. I didn’t take care of myself. Discipline is so much harder when i’m getting older.

Sigh!

Imma go taje a shower now, it 5.59am (7th April)

[ismsposts]

I have lots of interest in my mind. I would love to try this and that - but only in my mind. Thats so intp of me. But if it’s feasible, then im tots would try em. Am i? I think depends on situation tho.

I was actually quite afraid to step on something new back in high school and uni. I used to cried in front of the audience when asked on my opinion, especially during motivational talks, team building, etc.

Even when I was serving corporate company before this one. I remember it was at personality workshop where the instructor asking me at the beginning, simply ‘tell me what do u know about yourself..’

I still remember vividly, towards the end of the workshop, I was anxiously waiting for my turn to say few thing that I learn throughout the workshop. It scared me! I had all words plan in my mind but when came to my turn, I was in lost of words, eyes started glazing. Oh poor me.

I was that loser. Is the loser still live inside me? Idk. I feel like i am comfortable trying new things when surrounded by complete strangers rather than people i know. Afraid of judgement that i will embarrass myself.

I’m travelling back to forth between intp and istp. But i’d say im inclining towards istp. Just cause i was quite narcissistic sometimes. It came out as a joke but when i instantly analyse the situation - people get offended by me, i quickly shut down for a bit and reflect what i just did to em while still trying to maintain cool.

A weird-s me. I love being myself. I love me. Even when i sometimes hate myself for being too unproductive and too boring but thats story for another time.

I still haven’t found someone like me. I know there’s people like me out there, i hope there’re having it just like me. Or maybe better than how i like myself being like this.

[ismsposts]

Ngl since writing it down and ‘voicing’ it out here, i feel less stress and the anxiety went down. I guess its just caffeine but nvm.

Took second mbti test in a month just to check what am I, really. First one few weeks ago, got ISTP. Today i got INTP > ISTP > INTJ from diff test website.

Well well. I noticed some pattern here. Every time I feel useless or stressed out or just feeling down, i went to the mbti. It just to understand myself more. Then everything will eventually went back to normal.

- 2nd April 2022, 8.40pm

[ismsposts]

Some times i feel like i want to run away from this house! It kills my motivation, my creativity, my freedom! It made me hate myself. Weekends suppose to be fun, going out, do something creative, make videos, read books.

But what do I do instead?

Laid around the house. Munching junks and leftovers from the fridge, binging netflix & yt. I don’t feel like doing anything.

I rather go the the office and do extra hours and be more active mentally on saturday. I just hate surrounding myself with a lot of people! I need some space, and weekend is the only time i have to get out.

But what happen if i cant go out? Some unplan trip or activities? I pissed off. I have feelings. Why? You dont?

- 2nd April 2022, 10ish-am

[ismsposts]

prologue

*wrote this on my notes apps 1st April 2022, 6pm*

Since this morning, i started to feel uneasy. nervous la easy to say. For no reason - or not?

Exactly a week ago, I was having trouble to sleep and randomly came across CN & DD scandal on yt after trying to find out about PDP scandal back in the days after binging J from the ROfficial after watching his congratulation single ft PDP to address the biggest scandal on yt history in related to PDP with the currently biggest youtuber in the world - TS. Fuhh. Thats a long one.

So yeah. That’s how I found this yt channel owned by this particular person whom i choose not to disclose - why? idk. Ok fine, lets called them HT. I started following HT since day one of finding out DD scandal. It was somewhat around 4am, after binging J and found out what really happen to the VS, I watched the VS old videos and immediately attracted to HT with one thought in mind - “why i didnt noticed this human before”. There’s one phase of my life where I used to watch VS videos I think sometime on 2018. Jumping on DD’s bandwagon way to late I guess. 

Ok, back to how I react this few days. I wasnt really want to follow HT so much. At first I was just curious on DD scandal then I realised I didnt noticed HT from before. But that dream of mine made me do this. I saw HT in my dream and that was it. Game over man. One incident just enough to fall into the catch. And one week to finally realised that what i’m doing now is freakin sick. 

I tweeted this just now, “too much of something is never a good thing” cause I do realised that i overdid myself. I wonder why I suddenly felt so uneasy, almost anxious, since morning today. Is it because of the caffeine or because of HT’s withdrawal. 

I spent almost 24 hours last week on youtube. SICK! That’s why I decide to go on a yt detox - at least for a week. BUT, I cant! hahaha. I just need yt. I’ve tried to divert myself from youtube to binging netflix - currently watching snowpiercer S3. BUT failed. I still will go back to yt once I get bored. And you know what, I’ve been watching netflix 1.5x now. I guess that helps me a lot these days to complete 1 season faster.

Back to the story of HT. I wanted to share an early sign of HT addiction. I keep wanting HT. I know its not possible, but I pictured myself into HT’s life also known as day dreaming. I started to follow the way HT speak and laugh and HT’s face expression. Dang it. This is so bad! Binging HT productions on yt is one thing. But following HT stuff on ig is way too much i think. Its almost embarrassing to think about, but I just wanted to commemorate this moment. It will be funny to read this 5 or 10 years from now. If apple product is still relevant. Finger cross.

Now every time i went to yt homepage, i saw HT. How am I gonna withdraw from this addiction?? I give this feeling for another week. Let see if i still feel the same. 

Few takeaway from discovering HT are..

1) I wanted to become a better person - I aspired to act like HT. At least i got the inspiration to start watching over my health more. I think I should start doing fitness or run or doing something physical and be active.

2) Discovering HT makes me wanted to go to NYC more than ever. Felt like the USA trip is coming sooner than i think. Trip from boston down to NYC, crossing over the country to LA, maybe spent 2-3 days visiting chicago or arizona or even SF. Idk. But I will do it. That’s one of my bucket list. But i know that i couldn’t do that alone, so imma start looking for a partner in crime whose ready for the adventure babyyy!

Lastly, 3) I questioned myself creatively, specifically on yt activities and mentally, on how i lead my life. I wanted to do yt just to make myself useful. nope jk. Actually i dont want an exposure. I just want to do something that 50 years old me would thank to. Like documenting my 20s & 30s. Its more than ever before, I feel like westerner doesnt seem to care about age so much. They just live their life! Contrary from where I came from. At certain age, i have to act this way, do this way and be this way. I no longer can do things 15 years old me did when I’m on my 20s. I no longer can travel solo and act foolishly on my 30s or 40s or when I’m married. Society-defined life - I dont wanna live that. Now im 27, almost 28, I want to keep my mental young and my body fit!

HT addiction isnt bad at all. At least I got to reinvent my self, challenged myself and start risking myself to step away from my comfort, boring life. I always complaining that my life wasnt as fun as others. That’s because I limit myself to move just around my safe zone. 

So starting from the month of ramadan this year, I want to start a new life. In shaa Allah. I failed when i turned 27 tho its just 5 months ago. But i’m thrilled to start again. I tweeted today, “u r afraid to start something cause u might be bad at it.. truth is every things need to start somewhere and u cant be good at it on a first try - that's pure luck”

***

I think imma start a new website or blog or a social media account where I can write for no context. I write anonymously, random thoughts and in incognito mode. Well.. I wonder can i do that? hmmmm.

I guess lets just do it.

As a start, i think social media acc like fb, insta and whats popular now seems risky, at any second people can know the person behind the mask - which is me. Lol. So i think website is a good one. Or maybe twitter or any blogging apps will do. well well well… What’s it gonna be?