#fin you didnt do shit today

[alyimoss]

i forget my meds for one day and i become actively insufferable

[ratatatastic]

happy cats continue on their sports pr tour and this time they stopped by the hardrock to give a good fins up! for the home opener to all who celebrate

jacksonville jaguars @ miami dolphins | 9.8.24 (x)(x)

[spicycowboyhole]

posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:

idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.

what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.

for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.

but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.

some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF

i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??

jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn

ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.

ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them

[zisung-archive]

i dont even know why i bother showing my mom things i enjoy or that make me happy as if i dont know she will literally drag them to shit because they arent things that she wants me to like

[verygirlygirl]

Spin the bottle part 3 (it's a series now I've decided I will be making other things though)

Brr! (I tried)

"Fucks sake.." it was morning already you ways hated the mornings so bright and busy "I don't wanna go today..wanna stay home" you grumble to yourself. Of course that was just wishful thinking you knew you couldn't afford to miss school.

You got out of bed and took a quick shower the cold water cooled you down it calmed your nerves. As you stepped out of the shower things look somewhat brighter for whatever reason maybe a cold shower was all you needed, you got dressing in a simple hoodie and jeans nothing special.

"Hey y/n!" You heard a familiar voice call your name you looked around and saw finney waving at you as he ran to your side. "Oh hey finney" you said with a sweet voice finney was always there when you needed him he was a real ball of sunshine, "soo how have you been y/n? Ya know since the party you seemed pretty shocked" you didn't really wanna tell him the truth honestly it was easier to lie than explain to him all that had happened.

"Oh yea about that me and vance just kissed was all nothing too crazy I was just shocked ya know flustered..." fin hummed knowingly. "Mhm well i get that I'd be pretty surprised if vance of all people kissed me" you smiled at him "I'm glad you understand finney", he nodded but soon you too had to depart due to you being in a different class "bye fin!" "Bye y/n".

"Alright time for math" you groaned internally at the sight of your class already full with people. "Welcome to the class y/n" your teacher said cheerfully "thank you Mr. Sullivan" you said back at took your seat at the front of the class, but for some reason you could feel that dickhead vance staring holes in the back of your head.

Got math is hard already stop staring at me you said internally hoping somehow vance would get the message. You zoned out honestly Mr. Sullivan was a nice teacher he was good at his job but math just wasn't your Forte, "alright classed dismissed everyone have a good day" he said as he sat down at his desk you hurried out of class and headed to the bathroom that was until someone grabbed you pulled you into the bathroom with their hands over your mouth.

"Mhmmmhhmmm!" You tried moaning for help but you were pushed up a wall and hushed. It was vance "are you gonna be quiet?" You nodded slowly and he removed his hands from your mouth, "vance what the fuck-" your words were cut off "are you and finney a thing?" He asked suddenly that was enough to shut you up.

"No we aren't.. where'd that come from?" He looked annoyed like he was restraining himself from yelling. "I see the way you look at him I'm not fucking stupid" you were fucking flabbergasted this shit was ridiculous, "me and finney aren't a thing vance and even if we were it'd be none of your business".

He hissed through his teeth in annoyance and stared down at you god he was so intimidating "what?" You asked confused it wasn't like him to shut up so suddenly. "Do you really think you'd enjoy being kissed by him more than me?" You froze "I don't know.. I was just joking vamce it was nothing more than a joke".

He grabbed your face as he usually did but this time it was softer it was still rough but it felt like he was trying to be careful. "You're pretty" he said but this time he didn't walk away "y-youre really pretty too vance.." his voice was soft sincere something you weren't used to from him. So you made sure to soak it all up how gentle he was with you for this moment even if it only lasted a second it didn't matter.

He looked at you surprised and he didn't smile but he looked at you with a rare softness and he let go of your face. You wanted so badly to ask him to put it back "you really are pathetic aren't you y/n?" You flinched "what?" He moved a few steps back, "I hit you yesterday and called you ugly but as soon as I give you some attention and make you feel wanted to you soak it up..like a fuckin sponge".

The pang in your heart was sharp and painful was he really gonna do this to you again?. "B-but you-" he didnt let you finish "you need to learn to have more self respect honestly it's sad.. also you're 20 minutes late to science", you froze and pushed pass him with tears in your eyes and speed walked to science.

God he was right you were pathetic as soo as you got to class eyes were on you "you're late l/n your teacher said harshly "I know I'm sorry" you replied back. You took your seat at the back of the class and zoned out the whole time with your head down, thinking about that moment with vance how'd he even know you had science?

[chaos-writes-fanfiction]

His ex my girlfriend

Pairings: Oikawa × fem!reader & Kyotani × fem!reader

Warning: strong language some angst to fluff

You ran down the stairs after the game. You knew they were in a bad mood from losing against Shiratorizawa. But nonetheless you wanted to show your support.

“Hey guys” you said

“Hey” Iwaizumi said

“Hey” Mattsun said

“I’m still proud of you guys” you said “you di-”

“You’re proud?!” Oikawa yelled “we lost and you’re proud of us losing!”

“No if you’d let me fin-” you start before being interrupted again

“No just shut up! God you’re so annoying” he said “why the hell am I dating you?”

“Kawa, I was just saying you did your best and tha-” you said

“I said shut up!” He snapped “god you never listen. So listen to his we’re done its over”

“Oikawa don’t not while you’re mad” Iwaizumi said

“No I’m done with her” he said “I never should’ve dated her in the first place”

With that he stormed off to the locker room. And you stood there tears rolling down your cheeks, after nine months he ends things just like that. Mattsun being the closest to you brings you into a hug, and you break down crying in his arms.

“Its going to be okay” Mattsun said softly

You pull away and wipe your eyes.

“I’m still proud of you all, for doing your best against Shiratorizawa” you said in a teary voice

“Thank you, for your support” the boys said

You wave good bye and leave. As you walk out you feel your heart break seeing Oikawa talking to his fan girls like you didnt just break up. You take off his jacket that you had worn.

“I don’t need this” you said pushing it towards him and running away.

His fan girls look at you confused, they knew you were dating. Oikawa just played it off tucking the jacket under his arm. The team gets ready to go.

“Shittykawa, were leaving” Iwaizumi said as the rest of the team made their way to the bus

“Dont call me that Iwa-chan” Oikawa said

“Shut up” he said and he walked to the bus

They got back to school and for a couple months it was hard being at school everyone had found out about the breakup. You stayed home for a about a week not wanting to deal with everyone, especially not his fan girls. Eventually the questions and pestering stopped and things went back to normal. Or as normal as they had been before dating Oikawa.

Still being close with some of the volleyball club members made things a little uncomfortable. You went to a few games and were a silent supporter. But stopped going down to the gym to talk to the guys after the games, and stopped bringing snacks to their practices. But eventually you started showing up more and more to practice and games again. The team was happy about it having missed you being around. But it frustrated Oikawa because you were his ex girlfriend and still hung around the team. And today you come to practice with a bag full.

“Okay guys break for 10” Iwaizumi said as he saw you enter the gym.

“Guys I have snacks” you said

The guys gathered around as you handed each if them their favorite snack and drink.

“Mattsun, here’s yours” you said “and Kyotani here’s yours”

You give him his and your hand brushes his ‘accidentally’ as you give him his.

“That’s all I have today” you said with nothing to give Oikawa

“Really?” Oikawa asked “you get something for everyone but me?”

“Yes what about it?” You asked crossing your arms over your chest

“Its clearly you’re picking favorites” he said

“No I’m excluding my asshole of an ex boyfriend” you said “why should I waste any more of my money on you? Give me a good reason as to why I should?”

He just looked at you with nothing to say.

“That’s what I thought, besides dont your fangirls give you gifts still anyways?” You asked “besides my boyfriend actually appreciates what I do for him unlike you”

“Boyfriend?” He asked “who is it?”

“I’m not telling you, but a hint hes in the gym right now” you said

“You’re dating one if my teammates?” He snapped

“Yes why do you think I started coming around again? Not for you” you said

He turned and looked around at each of his teammates. He was visibly angry.

“Which one of you are dating her?” He asked

“They won’t tell you” you said “and why does it matter you broke up with me after the Shiratorizawa game, you ended things not me”

“I was mad when I did that” he said

“And? Is that supposed to make it okay?” You asked “you said you never should’ve dated me in the first place! Nine months of my time that I’ll never get back with a selfish self centered ass”

Mattsun pulled you out of the gym and away from Oikawa. The second years followed him the three of them being in your class. Little did any of them know that while you were outside with four of the team members one was your boyfriend.

“Ease down, its okay” Mattsun said

“Mattsun I need you in here” Iwaizumi said

“I’m okay now” you said trying to calm down

“Kyotani stay with her” Mattsun said “you two inside with me”

The three of them left leaving you with Kyotani.

“I shouldn’t have picked a fight with him” you said

“I don’t care, he hurt you badly” he said “rub it in his face that you’re happier now”

“But now its going to cause problems because he knows I’m dating one of the team” you said

“Yeah” he said “and hes probably going to assume its Mattsun since you’re close with him and he was the first to react to the fight”

You nod a little bit

“Let him think its Mattsun” you said shrugging “I should go home now”

“Be careful and text me when you’re home” he whispered before running back inside.

It’s been a few weeks since the fight with Oikawa you still showed up to practice and gave out the occasional snack. And like you thought Oikawa assumed that you were dating Mattsun, when in reality you were dating a second year like yourself not one of the third years. And they are at the tournament and watching their match against Karasuno. Which they win one set but evidently loss. After the match you run down to the court.

“Yahaba” you snap seeing him

“What? Why are you so mad?” He asked surprised

“Maybe because you slammed my boyfriend into a wall?” You said annoyed not realizing that you had just called Kyotani your boyfriend.

“I’m sorry what?” Yahaba asked “your boyfriend?”

“Shit…” you mumbled trailing off as the whole team looked at you

“Yes boyfriend” Kyotani said walking over and putting his arm over your shoulder pulling you to him

“Seriously?” Oikawa asked “your boyfriend is mad dog?”

“His name is Kyotani not mad dog and yes” you said “we’ve been dating the last couple months”

“Wow” Oikawa said

“Shut up Oikawa, I dont want to hear what you have to say about my boyfriend” you said

“Come on baby let’s get back to my place my sister will be happy to see you again” Kyotani said

You nod and kiss Kyotani on the lips lightly as you walk with him to the locker room and wait outside of it for him. Once hes out with the rest of the team are out you get permission to ride the bus back sitting with Kyotani. You let him rest his head against your shoulder resting as you run your fingers over his hair and neck. Something Oikawa never let you do, claiming you’d mess up his hair. But Kyotani found it comforting especially after their loss.

[bukojuiice]

thank god for plot twists like you.

ೃ pairing: (katsuki bakugo x fem! reader)

ೃ warnings: cursing, (courtesy of Bakugo) and slight innuendo.

ೃ genre: fluff overload!! ♡

ೃ  my ongoing bakugo x reader smau (please do give it a read if you have time!) my writing masterlist (if you want to see more from me! c:)

ೃ word count: 1,388 words

ೃ  song inspo: plot twist by niki

ೃ  Katsuki barges in your dorm room after class to see you crying in your bed with your phone in your hand... but why exactly?

It was a typical Saturday afternoon. After a tiring day of classes and hero training, you finally have the chance to rest and relax. And what better way to do that than to read fanfictions?

Oh... fanfictions.

These literary pieces are either a blessing or a curse to a human being on this earth. They bring joy, sorrow, anger, frustration, and it allows your imagination to run wild as you think of all these scenarios and alternate universes. There are even times when fanfiction itself is written better than it’s source material.  

Reading fanfictions is a hobby and daily activity done by millions of people in this world. However, how will your explosive boyfriend react when he finds out?

Not that it is a big of a deal anyway but... Katsuki is a bit harsh, abrasive, and he tends to speak his mind a lot. At times, he says things that he doesn’t even mean at all. The two of you would hang out every day, usually after classes. And so, you are always constantly putting yourself in the middle of danger whenever he comes to hang out with you in your dorm room. As there’s a slight chance that he would catch you reading a 30,750 word fic on Tumblr or Archive of Our Own.  

But there was never really a special activity out there so that the two of you could bond. 

Watching movies with him and playing video games was normal for a couple in a relationship but you wanted to do something with Katsuki that was unique to the two of you alone. 

Unbeknownst to you, that day would soon come. 

Not only did he discover something about you, but, the two of you ended up being much more closer after this fated day.

And that day... is today.

“Sorry Mina-chan! I’m busy this afternoon! You guys can go on and get some ice cream without me!”

You slowly shut the door behind you, waving goodbye to your pink friend. As you  drop your school bag on the floor, you quickly and rather hastily change into much more comfortable sleepwear. After a few minutes, you jump and slump on the bed as you let out a tired yet relieved sigh. “It’s time to read once again and be whisked away to another world.” You then crawl to the edge of your bed, and reach out to pull the drawer from your bedside table. 

You’ve hidden snacks in there from time to time so that you could eat something while reading your beloved stories on the internet. For today, you decided to bring out a box of Pocky you had stashed inside.

Hours felt like minutes as you continued to read with no care in the world. It was a few minutes before sun down, and here you are. A sobbing pile of mess. Crying your heart out over the fact that the Main Character is too naive and dense to notice the feelings of your favorite character (who is the second lead) and so, your favorite character starts falling in love with someone else. 

“Why does this happen to me!? Why is this fic putting me through so much pain and torture!?” 

You continue to bawl and cry your eyes out that you didn’t even notice someone entering your room.

“(Y/N).... why the hell are you crying!? Did something happen!?” Bakugo says in a annoyed yet concerned voice.

You feel your body freeze up. You do not want him to see you in this state. Especially since you’re crying over stories. Fanfictions for that matter. What would we say? How would he react? What if he thought you were weird and end up saying something insensitive that could possibly strain your relationship?

“I-it’s nothing.” You slowly turn your head to him. Once the two of you met each other’s eyes, his annoyed expression softens. “I’m fine Katsuki-kun. Don’t worry.” You try to ease his concern by giving him a half-hearted smile. You noticed that he had just finished with training and then most probably took a shower as his hair still looked a bit wet 

The blonde teen sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Why were you screaming anyway?”

You jerk up from the bed and twiddle your fingers. “Ahahahahaha that’s a good question.”  Katsuki continues to give you a suspicious look as he approaches you and sits down next to you on the bed.

Before you could even react, he grabbed (more like snatched) your phone from you and began to scroll down. “(Y/N)... are you reading stories online?”

“Maaaybe maaybe not~” You whistle, trying your best to act normal and TO NOT PANIC as your boyfriend had literally just snatched your phone from you to check what you were doing. At least you were able change to a different story from the tabs before he could see what you were originally reading.

“He licked the tip of his-” Your explosive blonde boyfriend began to read aloud an excerpt from the fanfiction you were reading. “My oh my (Y/N)... is this the reason for your screaming and squealing?” He smirks deviously and scoots closer to you by putting his arm around your shoulder.

You nod. “Yes. This is also why Ochaco-chan has been teasing me by saying that she’s been hearing me snicker and silently cry at night... It’s embarrassing. I know.” You look down on the floor, unsure of what else to say to Katsuki.

The tense atmosphere suddenly disappeared when Katsuki began to laugh. “Silently crying?” He stifles another laugh. “Seriously?”

“Okay... imagine this.” You reach for his hands. He raises a brow at your sudden gesture of affection. “WHAT IF if your favorite character who was meant to be with the main character, gives up hope because the main character is too dense to notice their feelings that they start falling in love with someone else!?” Tears began to stream down from your cheeks again, remembering the angst and the pain the Author put you through. “Won’t you feel really bad and depressed about that!?” 

Katsuki looks at you with a with a very perplexed yet peeved expression. He then notices the passion and the eagerness in your eyes and he couldn’t help but smile a little because of how cute you looked. “Yea. I guess that would be pretty shitty. Why the fuck are you letting it get to you so much though? It’s just a story.”

“That’s the thing!” You exclaim, scooting even closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder. “These are just stories yet they’ve impacted me so much to the point that I’m crying over literary pieces of fiction.” 

“Would you like to read one with me?” You look up at him with your brightest puppy eyes, tilting your head. 

He averts your gaze in attempt to hide hid his usual gruff look, you were about to declare defeat as he might not want to do this sort of thing with you and you didnt want to pry any further. 

Until...

“Fuck it. Let’s do this.”

♡‧₊˚

“(Y/N...) I can’t take this anymore.” Bakugo whines in defeat, dropping your phone on your hands. “How can a story like this fuck someone up so mentally? Can we read something else? Like some of your shoujo manga shit instead?”

Your eyes lit up at Bakugo’s dramatic reaction to the fanfiction you had just made him read. He was surprisingly interested. His eyes were intense and passionate. The same look he has whenever he would train against Midoriya, Todoroki or even Kirishima and, you couldn’t be happier. The two of you finally had something to do that was only unique and special to the two of you. 

“Sure! This one over here is a pretty short read, so we can finish it before dinner!” You wrap your arms around his torso, and hug him close. Although Katsuki wasn’t your typical physically affectionate boyfriend, there were times were he couldn’t help but reciprocate your love language. Today is one of those rare times. 

His arms encircle your waist as he brings you closer to him. “This better be good or else.” He grunts.

“Oh it is and there are so many other genres for us to read that is just waiting to be explored.”

Fin.

[butgilinsky]

rivals pt 2 // sweet pea

warning; language, violence, anger, implication of thoughts of suicide-ish 

summary; Malachi’s arrested for the racing incident. when he returns, he wants to raise hell. when y/n supports his actions, sweet pea tries to stop her, which only pushes her further. 

y/n/n = your nickname (also, the events that happen in the actual show may be out of order for the fit to progress how I want it to, but I'll try not to mess it up too. much(: )

(pt 2 of _ )

pt 1.  pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6

sweet pea x ghoulies!reader

y/n’s eyes darkened, her fist flying into the wall as she screamed out in frustration. 

“and you let every single one of them walk away?” her voice boomed throughout the warehouse, making the boys in front of her flinch. “not a single serpent touched? not a single northsider’s face in the dirt?” she got into one of the boy’s faces, the boy she had known the longest. 

y/n wasn’t close to many of the ghoulies, purely because they were scared of her, and she knew not to get too close to them, or she’d feel bad about beating their faces in. she stayed close to Malachi, or far away from them all together. 

“you let my brother get fucking arrested?” she screamed into the boy’s face, making him flinch slightly. 

“there was nothing we could do. if we didn’t run, there was no way we would’ve gotten out alive.” he tried to explain to her that the rest of the ghoulies had to run in order to get away from the cops, but she was fed up. 

“you joined this gang six years ago. my brother confided in you, knowing you would be able to keep shit together if something happened, and you let him get fucking arrested?” her fist collided with the boy’s cheek, making the rest of the boys squirm uncomfortably. 

the boy held his cheek, grimacing in pain. 

“you’re worthless.�� she mumbled, pushing past him as she picked up the bat by the door and got into the truck outside. 

she drove to the wyrm, listening to the loud voices inside of the wyrm and seeing a bunch of nicely parked bikes outside. 

she took the bat to all of the mirrors she could find, smashing the mirrors and kicking the bikes over in frustration. 

when she was finished, she got back in her truck and drove off, seeing serpents rush out o the bar in her review mirror. 

she punched the steering wheel as she drove around the Southside, deciding on going to the one spot she knew she’d be able to be alone. 

she sat on the edge of the small cliff that was only about two feet off the ground. she picked up rocks that laid around the area and threw them into the water below her, trying to sort out her thoughts. 

“didn’t know ghoulies had infected this part of town too.” she turned around to see the one and only sweet pea standing behind her. 

she rolled her eyes and kept throwing rocks into the little pond as he sat beside her, making her roll her eyes again. 

“didn’t think you’d ever voluntarily sit next to a ghoulie.” she spit, confused by his actions. 

“no matter how tough you are or pretend to be, your brother was just arrested. nobody needs to be alone in that situation. and no matter how much I hate that you’re a ghoulie, and I know you trashed our bikes, I also know that you’re going through a lot of shit, and you didn’t choose to be the sister of the ghoulie king.” his words were sincere, and she nodded at all of them, seeing truth behind all of it. 

“I love my brother, but I didn’t want to get wrapped up in all of this. I know why he did all of it, but it’s consumed him. as much as I have my moments where all I see is red, I’m a little more sensible than he is.” sweet pea nodded, believing her. 

“I told him not to go to that fucking race. northsiders always have a different idea.” she mumbled, recalling every time she told Malachi it was going to turn out poorly. 

“none of us knew he was doing that.” y/n rolled her eyes, not fully believing that every serpent was innocent. 

“he’s going to fuck this whole town up when he gets out.” she looked at the boy sitting beside her, who nodded slowly, not wanting to think about Malachi getting out. it was going to be bad for everyone in sight. he believed the serpents knew about the cops, and he would make sure everyone knew that getting him in trouble was the wrong decision. 

“yeah we’re all in trouble when that happens.” sweet pea said with a slight smile. 

the girl let a small smile poke through. a real smile. 

“I don’t think I've ever seen you smile, like really.” sweet pea teased, nudging the girl slightly. 

“I don't think I've smiled sincerely in years.” she mumbled, watching pea’s smile fall a little. she laughed slowly, making sweet pea’s eyes snap up to meet hers. “I told you I make you nervous.” she whispered, hearing the boy laugh softly. 

“you don't make me nervous.” he brushed off, making the girl roll her eyes. 

“whatever you say, snake.” 

***

the two kept their distance at school, knowing that their tiny spark of a friendship was never allowed to be exposed to either side of the Southside high cafeteria. 

the two often only saw each other at the small cliff the two went to. 

but today was the day Malachi was getting out. y/n waited outside of the jail, waiting to see her brother walk out in all of his ghoulie glory. 

when she saw the curly headed boy walk out, her smile widened as she ran to her brother and threw her arms around his neck. 

“I told you to stay away from that race, idiot.” she teased with a wide smile on her face.

he rolled his eyes but smiled down at his sister, kissing the top of her head. 

“I'm sorry. but I'm here now. you okay? held down the fort while I was gone?” the two got into y/n’s car and drove back to the warehouse the rest of the ghoulies were waiting at. 

“do you know who you’re talking to, Mal? of course I held down the fort.” she smirked at his playful smile as he ran his hands through his curly hair. 

when the two got back to the rest of the ghoulies, Malachi got out of the car to multiple cheers and victorious yells as he stepped onto a stool someone brought out. 

“let’s raise hell to those northsiders.” he yelled at the end of his speech, making everyone cheer in victory. 

the group pulled up to the diner on the Northside, Malachi’s eyes locked on Archie’s jacket peeking through the window. 

when Archie walked outside, he was followed by the rest of his Northside crew, along with a few serpents, which surprised y/n. 

“double whammy. serpents and northsiders? the more the merrier.” Malachi smiled at the sight, taking large steps to the people that waltzed out of the diner. 

y/n stayed back, sitting on Malachi’s bike. she rolled her eyes when sweet pea sent her a knowing look, telling her this wouldn't turn out good. she shrugged softly, her sinister smile creeping up onto her lips. she loved a good show. 

sweet pea said something to jughead, who tried to grab his shoulder, but sweet pea shrugged out of his grip and walked over to y/n, his jaw clenched. 

“you’re just going to let your brother raise hell? what the hell y/n-”

“stop right there. I get that we’re ghoulies and you think little of us, but Archie got my brother arrested, pea.” her voice was low, but pointed. she was angry that he didnt understand her situation, event though he knew how hard she was taking the fact that Malachi had been in jail.

“that doesn't excuse the fact that he’s trying to tear this place apart.” pea’s voice raised a little. y/n rolled her eyes, laughing sarcastically. 

“I should've known better. no matter how much you tell me you can see my soft shell underneath my tough exterior, you don't. you just see a little ghoulie girl. you see a girl that’s hidden behind spiked baseball bats and fancy cars. you see me as Malachi’s little sister. you’re just like everyone else.” she was infuriated, that the boy she tried to gain as her secret friend hadn't been what she thought all along. 

she stood up off of the bike, her chest almost pressed against his. 

“and no matter what you think of me, I'm a ghoulie. and Malachi’s my brother. you don't pick your family. but you sure as hell don’t turn your back on them when they’re all you have. Malachi’s all I have, pea. and no matter how many heads he smashes, he does it for me. but that’s probably too complicated to get into your thick skull.” she pressed her hands to the boy’s chest and pushed him away from her, her eyes filled with anger and hurt as she shook her head. 

“listen, I hate that we grew up on different sides of the Southside. I hate that I can’t comfort you in front of people. but I hate it when you just run back to him like he’s a good person-”

“you don’t know anything!” she screamed, gaining a sliver of attention from different ghoulies around her, who quickly went back to their fight. “you know him as the king of the ghoulies. drug runner and hell raiser.” she shook her head, her arms spread out wide as she spoke with hand and arm movements, her ager taking over. 

“you see him as the bad guy in this town. the bottom of the totem pole. the scum of Riverdale. guess what pea, he’s all I fucking got. he’s my big brother. he’s always been there for me, when everyone else skipped out on me. you don’t know why he is the way he is, or why I am the way that I am. he was there for me when every other person turned their back on me. he turned his back on those that turned their backs on me. he’s the top of my totem pole. the number one person in my life.” she was screaming, but the various fights around her were muffling her screams. nobody was watching the girl scream at the serpent, because they were throwing or receiving too many blows to the face and head to focus on anything else. 

“you may not like him, since you swore into some pathetic group that forces you to hate us. and thats fine. you can run around and scream your stupid serpent laws all you want, swearing by your loyalty to them. I respect your loyalty, but that doesn't mean you have to spit in my face because of who I grew up with. you can hate my brother all you want, but I swear to god if you try to lay a fucking finger on my brother, I'll make you wish you never became a god damn serpent.” the girl shoved the boy once more before walking up to Malachi that was standing over the red haired northsider, swinging his spiked bat in a circle. 

she grabbed the boy’s elbow, gaining his attention. his sinister smile fell the instant his eyes connected with his sister’s. 

“what’s wrong?” he dropped the bat so it was hanging normally, his foot still pressed on Archie’s chest. 

“I want to go, mal.” the girl showed no clear emotion to the northsider lying underneath them, but her brother could see right through her. 

“I can’t call them off, y/n/n” his eyes were softer than they ever were when he looked at other people, which let her know he was regretful. 

“I don't care about them. I just want to go. I'm tired of these fucking rats.” her eyes flicked down to Archie, who rolled his eyes. the built up anger inside her started to boil at the small gesture. 

she clenched her jaw, putting all of her anger into her motions as she raised her foot off the ground and sent it flying into Archie’s side, making him yelp in pain as his hand instinctively went to grip the area she just kicked. 

“don’t look at me.” she seethed, her anger taking over her entire body. “you know what, we can stay.” she looked at Malachi who’s eyes were now filled with concern. 

no matter how evil people believed Malachi was, he knew deep down, his sister was darker. she had more reasons to hate the world than Malachi, which mean the had more fuel to add to her internal fire. 

she grabbed the spiked bat out of Malachi’s hands and swung it around as she turned around to see another bulldog walking towards her. she put all of her strength into a single swing to the boy’s side, watching as he fell over and gripped his now bleeding side. 

she looked at sweet pea once before throwing the bat into a car window, hearing the siren go off. she stood still after that, her legs parted slightly as she held a strong stance, staring at the serpent with a lack of emotion. her jacket had fallen off of one of her shoulders, her boots had scuffs on them from previously kicking things around. her black hair was covering part of her face and the infamous black paint Malachi always had was fading underneath her eyes. 

she dropped the bat to her side, letting it fall onto the gravel below her as she slipped her jacket back onto her shoulder and walked past the tall boy, leaving everyone behind her. 

she walked down the street of the Northside, glaring at everyone that she came in contact with. when she reached the famous train tracks, she found her feet stopping as she stood in the middle of the tracks. 

she smiled softly to herself as she glued her feet to the tracks, looking down the metal track as she heard a soft train in the distance. she saw a boy run into her peripheral vision, smirking at the snake boy. 

she smiled at him, looking back at the oncoming train. a few moments before the train got too close, she turned to sweet pea and took a step backwards, stepping off the tracks and allowing the train to separate her from the snake boy as she finished the walk back to her house. 

taglist:

@river-serpents @topstory21

[weareallfallengods]

Survival

Writing prompt:

If you’re over 25 and haven’t done something remarkable, you are hunted down and killed. Some people invent things. Some make cures for diseases. Others become established members of their community. You’re pushing 30, and somehow not dead yet, even though you cant think of a single thing you’ve done thats remarkable in any way. Why aren’t you dead?

I write for adults about adult themes with adult language. I try to tag possible triggers (but I know I'm not going to get all of them), so if violence or implied death or cussing bothers you, you'll probably want to find a different author.

********************************************

Somehow, that date came up again. Not quite sure how, but somehow, the number circled on my shitty wall calendar with the coffee splatter on it managed to be today. Again. It's been doing that for 5 years now.

At first I wanted to be a surgeon- save people's lives, make a difference, all that shit. Yeah, I was caught up in the hype for a while too. Just like everyone. Thought I'd make some ground-breaking discovery and change the world. Just like everyone. And then, at 22, I flunked out of med school. That was it. Dream over, kaput, fin.

When I opened my termination letter, it was like reading a death sentence. 10 years of prep and study down the drain. 3 years left. 3 years, and no idea what to do. No clue what I could do to save my own life after all those years learning how to save others.I drank for a solid month. I dont even remember that month now. My only memento from it is an entire skip of liquor bottles. It's a miracle I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. Not that I didn't try.

See, I was afraid. Scared, actually. Terrified would be more accurate, if I'm honest. I knew I only had 3 years left until they came for me. Unless I managed to do something extraordinary within the next 3 years, they'd come for me, and the only thing that would remain is a 2 paragraph obituary in the local paper, followed by a vacancy announcement. When you're suddenly forced to confront your own imminent demise, and see every dream, hope and aspiration you'd had evaporate, right in front of your eyes, its perfectly natural to drown that in a swimming pool of vodka.

But then, after a month of drowning, and a week of curing a hangover that would make Satan shudder, I got angry. Like Bruce Banner angry. As I was leaving an all night diner, the notice board caught my eye. Having nothing better to do with my life, I stood there for a while just reading every single card in detail, every single lost cat, every used car, every 5k charity run. And then I saw it. And I thought, "You know what? Fuck it, why not. I've spent all this time trying to do one thing that I've never actually done just whatever I feel like, had hobbies, anything really. Why the fuck not."

And that's how I ended up 2 days later in some shity warehouse district, rolling around on a mat with some dude I didnt even know, sweating and swearing profusely and having the time of my life. "Sasha's Self Defense" it said on the small, weathered and rusted sign on the brick wall out front, next to a door that looked like it had been transported straight from the proverbial gulag.

I'd naively thought this was going to be one of those Karate Kid knock offs for some reason when I first arrived. Sasha soon disabused me of that notion. In fact, when he saw I'd brought a new gi in a duffle bag, he laughed so hard he had to slap his ass down on a rickety folding chair just to keep breathing. Once he calmed his mirth at my expense, he let me know in a no-nonsense, 'I'm an old-timer and seen some shit in my day' heavily accented tone that this would be a class that focused on survival at all costs. "No bullshit wax on-wax off," were his exact words I believe.

And boy was he right. When I told him I'd set aside my year's tuition for lesson payments, well, wouldn't you know it, I became his most prized pupil; I quickly learned this was not a good thing. It meant 14 hours a day of the most humiliatingly punishing activity ever dreamed up by Moscow's Finest. I couldnt even move the morning after my first day. But somehow I limped my battered frame down to the bus stop and was only an hour late. Ha, only. Sasha seemed to take it as a personal insult. The only thing he hated less than sloppiness was tardiness it seemed. Apparently the 10th Circle of Hell was reserved for those who dared be late. And he made you earn your way out of that circle.

His only saving grace was fairness. If I had to suffer, at least I wasnt alone. Well, at first anyway. The few other students that suffered his wrath along side me doing slavic folk dances with wrist and ankle weights very quickly learned that this wasn't the type of class they had thought it was and soon I was alone with Sasha.

On the days I did well, I got treated to pierogies. Oh man, I lived for those pierogies. They were made by angels and served by someone I can only describe as if Jesus came back as a woman. Who was Russian. And spoke even less english than Sasha, if that was possible. His sister was as completely opposite to that sadistic maniac as it was possible to be and still be a human being. Where he was loud, she was soft. Where he was tough, she was gentle. Where he was strict, she was generous, even indulgent. Blonde to his brunette. Slim to his barrel chest. Cousin by marriage, I think they said. Well, relatives of some kind anyway. And she was the only one who could make him laugh. And when he laughed, the whole block knew! He was just that loud, that boisterous, with everything he did.

But I loved his little Anya. Just like everyone. But like in a wholesome, mom-ish kind of way. I loved her because I got to sit for an hour when she was around. Because she"d always tuck a to-go container of pierogies into my bag. Because she'd chide Sasha for pushing me too hard. In short, she was an angel.

But I have to hand it Sasha- in 4 months, he took a scrawny bookworm into someone who could pose for Men's Health. In 6 months, I could beat Ivan, his partner, in 5/10 sparring matches. In 7 months, I ran a marathon. In 9, he had me enter a triathalon. And I made it into the top 50 out of 500 entrants. Not too bad if I say so myself. In 12 months, I was beating Ivan almost every time.

And that's when the other Ivan showed up. After a year, Sasha decided it was time I learned weaponry. After all, no real fight was fair, he said. And Ivan (another cousin? Sasha had one heck of an extended family) instructed me on everything from broken beer bottles, to knives and pool cues. And my medical training paid off, because more often than not, I was the one stitching myself up if training got a little rough that day.

Eventually, I moved into the gym. Not sure how it happened, but I think I just got too tired to leave one day and never really left. Sasha didnt seem to mind since it meant I wasnt ever late again. Plus the coffee he imported was the best thing ever. Like it was so good that's probably the Extraordinary Thing he did to live as long as he had.

The days just melted together, into one long symphony of beautiful exhaustion and physical torment, as I poured myself into the first activity I could remember doing purely because I wanted to, something that numbed the dread of the finality of my life expectancy.

But then one day, one specific day, the one I'd been dreading in the back of my mind for a year came around.

They found me.

I guess they were a little slow in finding me, not surprising since I'd basically just disappeared from my old life, no forwarding address type thing. It wasnt intentional, it just sort of happened, what with me diving head first into something purely for me, without the thought of doing it for someone else. But they found me. Just like they find everybody.

See, it doesnt matter if you try to run, if you move, or change your name. They always find you eventually. I just hadn't thought about it in a long while. That year was the first time since I was probably 14 that I'm hadn't thought about the Gardeners. I guess that's why it surprised me so much.

Yeah, Gardeners. I dont know who came up with the name, in guess some misguided attempt at a positive PR spin bullshit to pass off squads of government assassins who's only job was to track down the NCs of the world and eliminate them. Sorry, NCs- Non-Contributors; the people who hit their expiration date without doing something noteworthy, something that was deemed to "advance or bolster the Human Condition" to borrow a phrase from the civics classes we had to take every fucking year of school. A cutesy sounding name that was supposed to make the government sound like a benevolent old couple pulling weeds from their garden of humanity. The worst lies always sound the sweetest, dont they?

And I was now 25.

It happened a few weeks after my birthday. Just another routine day for me, going for a light 5k run after my soak in a mineral bath. Light rain, most of the streetlights out, the few lights on in the warehouse district reflected beautifully off the streets. That's why I ran at night, all the colors changed that normally bleak neighborhood into something beautiful. It was just one little thing to balance out the harshness of reality, and I reveled in it.

I don't actually remember what happened exactly. I do recall seeing a suspiciously conspicuous homeless guy huddled under a loading dock awning, and then just a flash of movement from the corner of my eye. I think it happened really quickly; at least that's what Sasha said the next morning as he was making arrangements for me to visit another cousin of his "back in the old country". It could have been. God, after seeing the bodies around me in the aftermath, I hope, for their sake, that it was fast. 5 bodies. All still. I still remember my breath turning to blue fog, blurring the details of them. Helping me to be able to pretend I didn't see the blood mixing with the rain and oil, spreading out over the concrete like a macabre inversion of the cloudy sky above.

I'm glad they wore masks. It's bad enough having that scene burned into my brain forever, without specific people's faces being etched there as well. I'm glad I dont see their faces in my mind every time I close my eyes. I just wish I could still enjoy the rain. They managed to take that from me, even if I'm still breathing, so I guess they didnt completely fail. They just killed a part of my soul instead. But hey, there's plenty of people that don't like the rain, right? But I bet they don't smell blood when it does though.

And that was pretty much it. No sirens, no manhunt, nothing. Before I could process what was happening, I was on a bus, headed for "the old country", which, as near as I could tell, looked an awful lot like Pittsburg. Sasha's 'cousin' met me at the bus depot there, a man of very few words. Not as loud as his cousin, Zhena tended to communicate with looks, grunts and shrugs mostly. Same work ethic though.

And then the cycle repeated- 14 months this time before they caught up with me. Too bad that Zhena got caught up in it, he was a great guy. He and I didn't really become close or buddies or anything, but it still hurt to see what happened to him. To what was left of him anyway. The Gardeners definitely were trying to send a message with that. To quote an old wise man, "I didnt want to know, but now I do, and I'm telling you, you dont want to know." And that's coming from someone who was training to become a surgeon, so just trust me on this one.

This time, they were waiting for me. I think they'd planned on Zhena being enough of a distraction that they'd be able to take me out easily, but since since I woke up the next day on the floor of the sparring ring in a too large pool of blood that wasnt my own, I'd say they failed. The difference this time was I was on my own. No 'cousins' to call in favors from. No family I could call because I didnt want them getting a visit from the Gardeners either. I was alone this time.

Weirdly, I was actually OK with that. I'd been surrounded by family, teachers, advisors, tutors for so long that solitude was actually kind of nice. I could hear myself think my own thoughts for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I'm not ashamed to say that I took what little of value there was from Zhena's gym (I knew him well enough to know that Sasha was his only family) so that I could get a seedy hotel for a while. I did at least have the decency to let Sasha know, and that that would be the last he ever heard from me, to keep him out of trouble. Bad enough that 10 people were already dead, I didn't want Sasha or Anya's name added to that list because of me.

And so I vanished. Completely. Sure I travelled, kept studying and training like I had been, but never staying longer than a few months, never using the same name, copying other random people's habits and patterns so I didnt have one of my own for them to track down. Yeah it was cliche, but hey, I figured my dad watching all those spy flicks when I was young had to be good for something, right?

Sometimes I was a baker, sometimes a delivery driver, even a dock hand. Whatever it took to make a buck so I could eat.

I got really good at other things too. Like disposing of bodies. Not really a skill I ever thought I'd want or need, but Necessity is a harsh and demanding teacher. Sadly, my skill as a surgeon came in handy- bodies are easier to get rid of when they're in smaller pieces. And people are easier to turn into bodies when you know how they're put together intimately. Not what I had in mind for my life, but since it was the choice between this or dying, well, I guess I can put up with it.

I suppose that catches us all up to the present, more or less. OK yeah theres a lot that's gone down between Pittsburg and now, but it was all pretty much the same: lather, rinse, repeat. Literally sometimes. Those were the days it felt like there wasnt enough soap in the world to get all the blood off.

So here I am, I'm my single room in Kandahar, staring at the date that had somehow come up again. Every year, they send someone. Usually a team. And I survive. No matter how they come at me, or when or how many. I survive.

And I'm sitting here, staring at the calendar, steaming cup of espresso, just staring, as a light breeze fluttered the corner of the calendar page, sending the orchids dancing in the vase next to it. All I could think is, "How? How does this keep happening? I'm not even supposed to be here, not supposed to be alive."

As I raised my cup of espresso, something slid under my door. "OK that's weird," I said aloud as I stood.

The chair made an ungodly screech as I pushed it back and made my way over to where a small, cream colored envelope sat on the floor, a couple inches from the bottom of the door. It was heavy for it's size, but not because anything was in it, just the paper was that thick. Probably hand-made. It's odd the little things you notice in times of stress. Heavy, rough paper, no postmark, nothing written on the outside, just the flap tucked in, not even sealed. Reminded me of how my mother used to give out birthday cards. I always thought that was a little weird, but it was just one of her quirks that made her even more endearing to everyone.

I sat down a little heavier than I had planned and felt the chair crack a little. There was a single sheet of paper inside, folded in half; I was right- handmade paper. But that wasnt important, what was important was the heavy, blocky hand-written message it contained.

"We've been looking for you for a long time. It has come to my attention that you may have something unique to contribute after all. We may have been too hasty in judging your Ability to be a Contributor. I believe you do actually have a remarkable Ability to Survive. I'd like to speak to you this afternoon in the plaza outside the Blue Mosque. I will be alone, and you can approach me, so as to allay your justifiable suspicions. I will have a silver coffee set on the table in front of me.

I believe we can help each other, if you're willing to listen to my proposition.

-Soon,

Baddar"

Well, this is interesting.

[weareallfallengods]

I wrote a story about this exact thing!

=================================

Survival

Inspiration: If you’re over 25 and haven’t done something remarkable, you are hunted down and killed. Some people invent things. Some make cures for diseases. Others become established members of their community. You’re pushing 30, and somehow not dead yet, even though you cant think of a single thing you’ve done thats remarkable in any way. Why aren’t you dead?

********************************************

Somehow, that date came up again. Not quite sure how, but somehow, the number circled on my shitty wall calendar with the coffee splatter on it managed to be today. Again. It's been doing that for 5 years now.

At first I wanted to be a surgeon- save people's lives, make a difference, all that shit. Yeah, I was caught up in the hype for a while too. Just like everyone. Thought I'd make some ground-breaking discovery and change the world. Just like everyone. And then, at 22, I flunked out of med school. That was it. Dream over, kaput, fin.

When I opened my termination letter, it was like reading a death sentence. 10 years of prep and study down the drain. 3 years left. 3 years, and no idea what to do. No clue what I could do to save my own life after all those years learning how to save others.I drank for a solid month. I dont even remember that month now. My only memento from it is an entire skip of liquor bottles. It's a miracle I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. Not that I didn't try.

See, I was afraid. Scared, actually. Terrified would be more accurate, if I'm honest. I knew I only had 3 years left until they came for me. Unless I managed to do something extraordinary within the next 3 years, they'd come for me, and the only thing that would remain is a 2 paragraph obituary in the local paper, followed by a vacancy announcement. When you're suddenly forced to confront your own imminent demise, and see every dream, hope and aspiration you'd had evaporate, right in front of your eyes, its perfectly natural to drown that in a swimming pool of vodka.

But then, after a month of drowning, and a week of curing a hangover that would make Satan shudder, I got angry. Like Bruce Banner angry. As I was leaving an all night diner, the notice board caught my eye. Having nothing better to do with my life, I stood there for a while just reading every single card in detail, every single lost cat, every used car, every 5k charity run. And then I saw it. And I thought, "You know what? Fuck it, why not. I've spent all this time trying to do one thing that I've never actually done just whatever I feel like, had hobbies, anything really. Why the fuck not."

And that's how I ended up 2 days later in some shity warehouse district, rolling around on a mat with some dude I didnt even know, sweating and swearing profusely and having the time of my life. "Sasha's Self Defense" it said on the small, weathered and rusted sign on the brick wall out front, next to a door that looked like it had been transported straight from the proverbial gulag.

I'd naively thought this was going to be one of those Karate Kid knock offs for some reason when I first arrived. Sasha soon disabused me of that notion. In fact, when he saw I'd brought a new gi in a duffle bag, he laughed so hard he had to slap his ass down on a rickety folding chair just to keep breathing. Once he calmed his mirth at my expense, he let me know in a no-nonsense, 'I'm an old-timer and seen some shit in my day' heavily accented tone that this would be a class that focused on survival at all costs. "No bullshit wax on-wax off," were his exact words I believe.

And boy was he right. When I told him I'd set aside my year's tuition for lesson payments, well, wouldn't you know it, I became his most prized pupil; I quickly learned this was not a good thing. It meant 14 hours a day of the most humiliatingly punishing activity ever dreamed up by Moscow's Finest. I couldnt even move the morning after my first day. But somehow I limped my battered frame down to the bus stop and was only an hour late. Ha, only. Sasha seemed to take it as a personal insult. The only thing he hated less than sloppiness was tardiness it seemed. Apparently the 10th Circle of Hell was reserved for those who dared be late. And he made you earn your way out of that circle.

His only saving grace was fairness. If I had to suffer, at least I wasnt alone. Well, at first anyway. The few other students that suffered his wrath along side me doing slavic folk dances with wrist and ankle weights very quickly learned that this wasn't the type of class they had thought it was and soon I was alone with Sasha.

On the days I did well, I got treated to pierogies. Oh man, I lived for those pierogies. They were made by angels and served by someone I can only describe as if Jesus came back as a woman. Who was Russian. And spoke even less english than Sasha, if that was possible. His sister was as completely opposite to that sadistic maniac as it was possible to be and still be a human being. Where he was loud, she was soft. Where he was tough, she was gentle. Where he was strict, she was generous, even indulgent. Blonde to his brunette. Slim to his barrel chest. Cousin by marriage, I think they said. Well, relatives of some kind anyway. And she was the only one who could make him laugh. And when he laughed, the whole block knew! He was just that loud, that boisterous, with everything he did.

But I loved his little Anya. Just like everyone. But like in a wholesome, mom-ish kind of way. I loved her because I got to sit for an hour when she was around. Because she"d always tuck a to-go container of pierogies into my bag. Because she'd chide Sasha for pushing me too hard. In short, she was an angel.

But I have to hand it Sasha- in 4 months, he took a scrawny bookworm into someone who could pose for Men's Health. In 6 months, I could beat Ivan, his partner, in 5/10 sparring matches. In 7 months, I ran a marathon. In 9, he had me enter a triathalon. And I made it into the top 50 out of 500 entrants. Not too bad if I say so myself. In 12 months, I was beating Ivan almost every time.

And that's when the other Ivan showed up. After a year, Sasha decided it was time I learned weaponry. After all, no real fight was fair, he said. And Ivan (another cousin? Sasha had one heck of an extended family) instructed me on everything from broken beer bottles, to knives and pool cues. And my medical training paid off, because more often than not, I was the one stitching myself up if training got a little rough that day.

Eventually, I moved into the gym. Not sure how it happened, but I think I just got too tired to leave one day and never really left. Sasha didnt seem to mind since it meant I wasnt ever late again. Plus the coffee he imported was the best thing ever. Like it was so good that's probably the Extraordinary Thing he did to live as long as he had.

The days just melted together, into one long symphony of beautiful exhaustion and physical torment, as I poured myself into the first activity I could remember doing purely because I wanted to, something that numbed the dread of the finality of my life expectancy.

But then one day, one specific day, the one I'd been dreading in the back of my mind for a year came around.

They found me.

I guess they were a little slow in finding me, not surprising since I'd basically just disappeared from my old life, no forwarding address type thing. It wasnt intentional, it just sort of happened, what with me diving head first into something purely for me, without the thought of doing it for someone else. But they found me. Just like they find everybody.

See, it doesnt matter if you try to run, if you move, or change your name. They always find you eventually. I just hadn't thought about it in a long while. That year was the first time since I was probably 14 that I'm hadn't thought about the Gardeners. I guess that's why it surprised me so much.

Yeah, Gardeners. I dont know who came up with the name, in guess some misguided attempt at a positive PR spin bullshit to pass off squads of government assassins who's only job was to track down the NCs of the world and eliminate them. Sorry, NCs- Non-Contributors; the people who hit their expiration date without doing something noteworthy, something that was deemed to "advance or bolster the Human Condition" to borrow a phrase from the civics classes we had to take every fucking year of school. A cutesy sounding name that was supposed to make the government sound like a benevolent old couple pulling weeds from their garden of humanity. The worst lies always sound the sweetest, dont they?

And I was now 25.

It happened a few weeks after my birthday. Just another routine day for me, going for a light 5k run after my soak in a mineral bath. Light rain, most of the streetlights out, the few lights on in the warehouse district reflected beautifully off the streets. That's why I ran at night, all the colors changed that normally bleak neighborhood into something beautiful. It was just one little thing to balance out the harshness of reality, and I reveled in it.

I don't actually remember what happened exactly. I do recall seeing a suspiciously conspicuous homeless guy huddled under a loading dock awning, and then just a flash of movement from the corner of my eye. I think it happened really quickly; at least that's what Sasha said the next morning as he was making arrangements for me to visit another cousin of his "back in the old country". It could have been. God, after seeing the bodies around me in the aftermath, I hope, for their sake, that it was fast. 5 bodies. All still. I still remember my breath turning to blue fog, blurring the details of them. Helping me to be able to pretend I didn't see the blood mixing with the rain and oil, spreading out over the concrete like a macabre inversion of the cloudy sky above.

I'm glad they wore masks. It's bad enough having that scene burned into my brain forever, without specific people's faces being etched there as well. I'm glad I dont see their faces in my mind every time I close my eyes. I just wish I could still enjoy the rain. They managed to take that from me, even if I'm still breathing, so I guess they didnt completely fail. They just killed a part of my soul instead. But hey, there's plenty of people that don't like the rain, right? But I bet they don't smell blood when it does though.

And that was pretty much it. No sirens, no manhunt, nothing. Before I could process what was happening, I was on a bus, headed for "the old country", which, as near as I could tell, looked an awful lot like Pittsburg. Sasha's 'cousin' met me at the bus depot there, a man of very few words. Not as loud as his cousin, Zhena tended to communicate with looks, grunts and shrugs mostly. Same work ethic though.

And then the cycle repeated- 14 months this time before they caught up with me. Too bad that Zhena got caught up in it, he was a great guy. He and I didn't really become close or buddies or anything, but it still hurt to see what happened to him. To what was left of him anyway. The Gardeners definitely were trying to send a message with that. To quote an old wise man, "I didnt want to know, but now I do, and I'm telling you, you dont want to know." And that's coming from someone who was training to become a surgeon, so just trust me on this one.

This time, they were waiting for me. I think they'd planned on Zhena being enough of a distraction that they'd be able to take me out easily, but since since I woke up the next day on the floor of the sparring ring in a too large pool of blood that wasnt my own, I'd say they failed. The difference this time was I was on my own. No 'cousins' to call in favors from. No family I could call because I didnt want them getting a visit from the Gardeners either. I was alone this time.

Weirdly, I was actually OK with that. I'd been surrounded by family, teachers, advisors, tutors for so long that solitude was actually kind of nice. I could hear myself think my own thoughts for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I'm not ashamed to say that I took what little of value there was from Zhena's gym (I knew him well enough to know that Sasha was his only family) so that I could get a seedy hotel for a while. I did at least have the decency to let Sasha know, and that that would be the last he ever heard from me, to keep him out of trouble. Bad enough that 10 people were already dead, I didn't want Sasha or Anya's name added to that list because of me.

And so I vanished. Completely. Sure I travelled, kept studying and training like I had been, but never staying longer than a few months, never using the same name, copying other random people's habits and patterns so I didnt have one of my own for them to track down. Yeah it was cliche, but hey, I figured my dad watching all those spy flicks when I was young had to be good for something, right?

Sometimes I was a baker, sometimes a delivery driver, even a dock hand. Whatever it took to make a buck so I could eat.

I got really good at other things too. Like disposing of bodies. Not really a skill I ever thought I'd want or need, but Necessity is a harsh and demanding teacher. Sadly, my skill as a surgeon came in handy- bodies are easier to get rid of when they're in smaller pieces. And people are easier to turn into bodies when you know how they're put together intimately. Not what I had in mind for my life, but since it was the choice between this or dying, well, I guess I can put up with it.

I suppose that catches us all up to the present, more or less. OK yeah theres a lot that's gone down between Pittsburg and now, but it was all pretty much the same: lather, rinse, repeat. Literally sometimes. Those were the days it felt like there wasnt enough soap in the world to get all the blood off.

So here I am, I'm my single room in Kandahar, staring at the date that had somehow come up again. Every year, they send someone. Usually a team. And I survive. No matter how they come at me, or when or how many. I survive.

And I'm sitting here, staring at the calendar, steaming cup of espresso, just staring, as a light breeze fluttered the corner of the calendar page, sending the orchids dancing in the vase next to it. All I could think is, "How? How does this keep happening? I'm not even supposed to be here, not supposed to be alive."

As I raised my cup of espresso, something slid under my door. "OK that's weird," I said aloud as I stood.

The chair made an ungodly screech as I pushed it back and made my way over to where a small, cream colored envelope sat on the floor, a couple inches from the bottom of the door. It was heavy for it's size, but not because anything was in it, just the paper was that thick. Probably hand-made. It's odd the little things you notice in times of stress. Heavy, rough paper, no postmark, nothing written on the outside, just the flap tucked in, not even sealed. Reminded me of how my mother used to give out birthday cards. I always thought that was a little weird, but it was just one of her quirks that made her even more endearing to everyone.

I sat down a little heavier than I had planned and felt the chair crack a little. There was a single sheet of paper inside, folded in half; I was right- handmade paper. But that wasnt important, what was important was the heavy, blocky hand-written message it contained.

"We've been looking for you for a long time. It has come to my attention that you may have something unique to contribute after all. We may have been too hasty in judging your Ability to be a Contributor. I believe you do actually have a remarkable Ability to Survive. I'd like to speak to you this afternoon in the plaza outside the Blue Mosque. I will be alone, and you can approach me, so as to allay your justifiable suspicions. I will have a silver coffee set on the table in front of me.

I believe we can help each other, if you're willing to listen to my proposition.

-Soon,

Baddar"

Well, this is interesting.

I’ve never identified with something more than this

[asbigastheskybook]

The one where Tak and Emory go to a party in their kigurimi

Spring break had come and gone and on a foggy night in early April, the Shark and the Hedgehog sauntered up the dark streets of Berkeley, walking from Shattuck BART to Haste, up to College Avenue. They held hands as they walked in shadows, enjoying the quiet spring night once they were above Telegraph. They were headed to a place near the Julia Morgan building for a party put on by the Pan-Asian student union. It was to be an Animal Onesie themed party to raise money for a member of the union who was battling leukemia while trying to finish her masters degree. They wore the onesies Emory’s aspiring fashion designer little sister had sewn them. Emory hadn't wanted to go at all but Tak pointed out that nearly everyone there was going to be an Asian nerd which made Emory feel a little less out of place than he did at other college parties full of red cup woo-bros.

Neither of them wanted to be sober, and neither of them wanted to try to find parking in Elmwood, and neither of them wanted to shell out for a driver so they walked, choosing to wear the onesies instead of carrying a backpack and trying to keep track of it all night. They had just reached College Avenue and were nearly there when some asshole in a yellow hummer screeched to a stop where they were crossing the street, revved his engine, rolled down the window and screamed,

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU FUCKIN CHING CHONG FAGGOTS!” And as soon as their toes touched the sidewalk on the other side of the intersection he peeled out, fishtailing over the narrow suburban streets.

“Jesus what the fuck?” Tak glared at the tail lights.

“Well he does drive a hummer.” Emory shrugged and looked at his shoes.

“I hope he chokes on a bag of sweaty dicks,” Tak grumbled.

“Hey,” Emory stopped and looked at Tak “Don't let that shitbag ruin your night. He means nothing.”

“I am trying not to. I was a little scared, Em. I forget that not everyone, even in Berkeley, is cool with gay dudes or Asians. Or gay Asians.” Tak kicked at some leaves on the sidewalk.

“Gaysians,” Emory corrected.

Tak laughed so hard he snorted. “Emory, I don't know what I would do without your smart ass.” He draped his long shark fins over the stout hedgehog.”We’re almost there, lets get baked.” He brought out his vape. Tak had brought an Indica, super stupid and stoney, not meant for anyone who had anything important to do today or probably tomorrow either. The plan was to get as high as possible in order to tolerate the crowds of other Asian students in fuzzy animal suits dancing to K-Pop. Tak had originally planned not to go, despite being regularly involved with the organization, but then someone had made a comment about him not really being that Asian and he wasn't about to take any shit from some third gen kid who didnt even speak his own language fluently when Tak, despite mostly appearing black, spoke nearly fluent Japanese.

They strolled another block to the party, several animals outside chatting over loud music emanating from inside. There was a gaggle of Japanese girls in matching unicorn onesies, a kangaroo, a corgi, a giraffe, two Pikachus, and a Totoro.

“I didn't know we could wear character onesies.” Tak pouted.

“Yeah that's bullshit, they said animals. I wanted to be Cthulhu.” Emory scowled, but not seriously. The Indica was taking over, and shuffling into the building was taking concentration. They shouldered their way inside and headed straight to the makeshift bar where they got juices, Ramune for Tak and grass jelly for Emory. Nearby tables held all sorts of snacks from the Asian market. There was dried squid, onigiri, rice crackers, wasabi peas, dumplings, etc. Not even the worse case of the munchies could convince Emory to eat party food that other people had touched and then put their hands to their mouths, and then back to the bowl. Gross.

The plan was to make a loop to say hello, then make another loop to say goodbye and then get the fuck out. Tak knew most people here and Emory knew a fair bit as well, but this was the first time they had gone to a college party as a couple and Emory gave no fucks what people thought, but he could tell Tak wasn't completely there yet, and considering the incident with the hummer bro, he tread carefully.

So it was a bit of a jolt when Emory introduced Tak to two vietnamese guys, Tu (Husky dog) and Rithi (racoon), as his boyfriend. Tak froze up when Tu offered out a fist to bump, and Emory caught a glimpse of Tak’s hesitation. He wasn't sure how he felt about it, but he was a little indignant. He tried to remember that Tak and he were both super high and not to trip out and what-if the hell out of a little hesitation for a handshake. It wasn't until after they had finished chatting with Tu and Rithi and Tak still wouldn't meet his eyes that he started to get pissed.

Emory spotted a back hallway leading to a door and without a word grabbed Tak’s fin in his paw and dragged him to it. He lugged the shark into the hall, glowering, before opening the door and yanking Tak inside.

It was not a back door to the outside as Emory had hoped, it was a closet. There was a mop and bucket, some big box size packages of toilet paper and paper towels, and other relevant miscellany. A bare bulb glowed from the ceiling. Emory, flustered at this development, quickly reached to lock the door behind them.

“Tak, what the fuck. I can't tell people you're my boyfriend here?” Emory asked, hurt and accusatory.

“I'm sorry I did that. I really am. I don't know why I did that.” Tak said, clearly grappling with being just a little too high for the conversation.

“If you don't want to be out at a party, you have to tell me before we get there. I don’t have a problem keeping it under wraps, especially if you don't feel safe, but you have to let me know, Tak,” Emory breathed hard through his nose when he finished speaking.

“ I do. I did. I do.” Tak stammered. It was unlike him to drop his eyes and struggle. “I,.. Emory, that was the first time anyone ever called me a faggot. I'm not joking when I say that Hummer dude scared me. I don't want to get beat up and murdered just for being in love with you. I started spacing out on the walk over here thinking about what I would do if someone tried to fuck with us. I thought about what I’d do if someone hurt you. I started just spiraling into worst case scenarios and thinking about how I take our safety for granted here. I was buggin’ out and I shut down. I'm a little too high, Im sorry,” he heaved a heavy sigh.

“For being in love with you” played on a loop in Emory’s mind as his eyes traced over Tak’s countenance, his slumped shoulders, tucked chin, arms hanging at his sides. He’d never get used to the way those words made him feel.

“UGH I can't be mad. There isn't anything to be mad about. I just want you to tell me if you don't feel safe or it there is something you need from me before we go places. I don't want to push you to be out everywhere we go but you do need to give me the heads up. I feel like an asshole for assuming without asking if we were out here,” Emory folded his arms across his chest but his eyes were soft.”I cant fight with you while you’re wearing a shark suit.”

“I want to be out here. There’s no reason to hide here. We aren’t even the only queers here. I want to show you off to people and make them hella jealous...I think being super stoned just made me paranoid. One toke over the line, man,” Tak shrugged.

Emory covered his mouth and his shoulders shook.

“What?” Tak crowded his eyebrows together.

Emory started to laugh behind his hand. “Its just that Im locked in closet with a giant in a shark suit, having a serious conversation about my relationship while Im dressed as a hedgehog, and Im super high.” He started to laugh harder, “You can’t make this shit up.”

Tak took a moment to view the situation from outside himself and yes, it was very, very hilarious. He began to giggle, then laugh, then gasp between bouts of belly laughs.

Emory watched Tak laughing and felt all warm and gooey in his chest. He want to kiss him, right now. He stepped closer, grabbing a fistful of shark suit in each hand and yanked Tak close. Tak’s laugh stopped but his smile went on for eons. Emory had the look. That look. Tak knew that he was going to do anything Emory asked when he saw that look. He leaned in to kiss Emory, one hand keeping his balance, which was intermittent right now, on a shelf. The other hand slipped into Emory’s hedgehog hood, and held the back of his neck. He could feel the heat coming off of Emory through their fuzzy suits as he pressed his body into Emory. Emory was avoiding his kiss, teasing him, making Tak chase his lips, snapping his teeth at him and smirking.

“Give me that!” Tak growled, pulling on Emory’s neck harder until his lips crashed into Emory’s. He felt Emory’s smirk fade under his own lips and his posture softened as he kissed Tak back with sensual and deep open mouth kisses, making Tak want to pitch himself into the abyss of Emory’s touch. After many moments, as kisses turned into lips on necks and ears and throats, Emory whispered into Tak’s ear,

“I really can’t wait to get you alone.”

Tak grinned. Emory knew all the buttons to push and Tak wondered how soon they could ditch this party. Tak’s hands wandered into his hood and into his hair. Emory could play cool, but not when Tak played with his hair, that was when he lost all thought being stealthy or tame. Emory’s eyes simmered and he flashed a grin before claiming Tak’s mouth again. Tak rested one long hand on Emory’s shoulder, the other in his hair, tugging close to the scalp, eliciting a rumble from Emory’s throat.

“More.” Emory demanded, digging his thumbs into Tak’s hip bones in an almost painful and insistent way. Tak pulled harder at his hair and Emory bit down viciously at his neck. Tak moaned and his head tipped back, making a loud noise when it landed on the shelf behind him. He heard someone tapping on the door, jiggling the handle. He didn't care.

“Fuck off!” he managed to shout to whomever was on the other side. The knocking stopped. “Goddamn Emory your mouth is going to kill me,” Tak murmured. Emory nipped again and pulled back to see the mark he had left on Tak’s neck, which was not discrete or small. He laughed louder than he expected to and jumped when another banging knock came from the door.

[almondycalum]

RANT? ABOUT MY CRUSH BC I NEED TO

I think I have talked abt him before but he is like the nicest person ever.

He knows I’m pan and is totally cool with

Remembers EVERYTHING abt me

Really sweet to me and everyone else

One time he texted me bc he forgot to hug me goodbye when he left and we were with a group of ppl

Okay but what I rly wanted to say is:

I have a priv Snapchat story and obv he’s on it

It’s mainly me doing stupid shit BUT he has told me to my face that he loves watching it and let’s me know when I need to be posting more umm??

So I posted a pic of me crying over 5sos and was like “guess why I’m crying today” THIS CUTE BITCH he said:

“I’m going with happy/stressed cry because of ur 5sos concert and you don’t know whether or not you’ll meet them but also stressed bc school is stressful”

LIKE HOW TF HE KNOW ME SO WELL??? I DIDNT EVEN TELL HIM ABT THE CONCERT BUT HE KNOWS

Just an add on:

I think there’s a possibility he likes me ???

I was in this group w him recently and he was really trying to talk abt anything and everything with me and then some other group told me that I was with them (the leader person put me in 2 groups idk) so they tOOK ME and he was not happy about it and it was so cute.

Alright aaand fin.

[lokbobpop]

Currently

Currently means now. You're currently reading the meaning of the word currently. As with other words you use to refer to the present time, when you use currently, you're often implying that things might change. For example, if you say you're not currently dating anyone, you're hinting that you might in the future.

1300, curraunt, "running, flowing, moving along" (a sense now archaic), from Old French corant "running, lively, eager, swift," present participle of corre "to run," from Latin currere "to run, move quickly" (of persons or things), from PIE root *kers- "to run." Related: Currentness.

Currently cure rent lie current ly curr ent ly

Writing the word currently

Im currently trying to work on many points of myself it feels overwhelming that so many need ti be covered at one time but if i was an on looker at myself i know id be do it all at once get it over and done with you can do this just get the job done so am i do this i wonder and will i cope with all i do i dont know but its a lot to deal with all my comparison judgements of self and others the whole mind system but i could get good break through to maybe like thsi some good changes might happen its only because i didnt realize before there was this much shit going on in the first place i was just skirting round the outside of me seeing only the big things that stoood out and not real investigation of whats inside of me.

Reading the word currently

Currently my health bothers me i have many things wrong and im going into doom and gloom ill never be a healthy person again my menopause has really hit me hard and my hypothyroidism has got me down its incurable they say autoimmune problems and the thought i might have to deal with this for the rest of my life pisses me off it feels unfair but hey i did create this consequences so I have ot live with whats i have created and maybe us it to help me find me within it all.

Currently im stuck in macau and i do want ot just go home but without all the quarantine shit i just want to go home since pattie had to be put down a few days ago i feel ive had enough i want to be there not here i can do stuff there here i feel i just sit and write all day and do nothing else ive got not energy I don’t want to do anything maybe its a form of depression with menopause or thyroid problems but i need to get out of this i really do.

Im not worried im depressed lol after writing what i just wrote am i depressed lol i feel like everything is moving and im tryin to keep up with it all.

Currently my relationship is ok of cause its never going to be perfect until i get it out of my head i need affection love and just give ot to myself and not want it outside of self lol

Saying currently out loud

Currently i want to be with the girls i want to see how they are see the house and garden is see all my friend but i wont be going home for a while well 3 months then 2 weeks quarantine

I feel guilt for pattie dying she hid for days with rotting skin and when she came hope she had ot be put to sleep its just fucking awful how can this happen but i have guilt that i blame the girls for not looking just for her hard enough i think they should of looked hard enough but i know that feeling after looking I ain’t going to find her and want to give up so i need to use this to not give up on things like myself never give up do your Brest to be your best.

Sf

Does this definition support me no fear of not awakening to myself blame towards the girls as in im just as bad but i blame them thoughts of my health is never going to change im always going to have these problems with health today i feel fins but this wont last its a rolla coaster health ride not liking not having control over my physical body wanting more with out doing more it seem but im upset pattie had to die i really am she was a sweet girl.

Currently cure meant to be

Currently

Whats going on right now how are things

I will live this word with what is currently going on is what i deal with right now these are the things i need to learn from get over whats right in front of me now with living words of self perfection self determination self honesty

[theoccasionalhuman]

my brain felt super foggy when I was making mac and cheese for my brother so i messed it up and that made my brain foggier and now everythings foggy ooo also i ate three spoons of nutella for absolutely no reason two minutes ago like it was good but idk why i did it cloudy? foggy? idkkk my head feels weird like i feel real but i dont but ido and like i feel nothing rn like aboslutely nothing like all my emotions went somewhere wow i want to go outside but allergies and i dont wanna take my meds for it even though my eyes are itchy fuck i just remembered i didn’t wash my contacts yet but its 11 and i need to put them in soon oh well i want to watch a gay show but like i dont remember any and i tried atypical and that felt good because it just reminds me of before but its lowkey boring because ther’s not a lot of gay shit and it was cringy at the end but like i need smth fake because online relationnships are all fAke since they choose what they put out to the world because like they want to seem better but i dont know whta thye’re actually going throggh like they could be constantly fighting all the time and that was the one moement they got along oh and i was listening to emma chamberlains podcast while working out this morning and she as talking about it too like ppl coul post with their friends having fun on at rip but thatcouldve been the only good time they had the whoile trip but we dont know that because its so cial media oh yea and i have peanut butter on my hand because i think i also had peanut butter wait no i knwo because i donthave reeses so i just ate peanut butter and nutella but my mo put the pb in the firdge for some reason so it wasnt as melty and tasty as the chocoare so it ruined the effect of it def emotional eating but that okay because food is energy and one day pf “bad” eating isnt gonna do shit like we only live once i didnt even track that shit its pointless oooo blueberry bagels are really good like i hasd one leftover cuz bro didnt wanna finish it fucking dumbass and i ate it and mac and cheese becasuse yea and yea my stomasch feels like weird tht was a lot of randomf ood but that okay because i need food to live and food is good and idc because i liked eating it i think idk my brains still foggy i lost track of it in the middle when i started not liking eating it bt then i ate a bit more since i fog but like i stopped because i kinda stopped being foggy fr a littl ebit so i stopped and went to my room and i want to eat a fruit roll up but i dont like i wanna eat just to eat it but i dont feel like eating it so im saving it for tomorrow because itsa new day and what i ate/did the day before doesnt define the amount i shoul d eat today smart thinking i  want to feel free i feel trapped in my mind head house room idk ppl dont know me but they do like i think people think they dont know me but its not even that im fake its just i dont have a me i am what i am theres nothing that im hiding guess im too cool 8D <-- thats an emoji with the sunglasses beccause im on my laptop becuae i took my phone out of itd case and it get warm when i use it and it rly ruins the t vibe i wna to date someone but i know that im actively not trying to do anything about it and i dont want to do anhy online shit like that honestly kind of pathetic imagine only having a relationshup thats online that doesnt seem real what if there lying u knwo what no if someone is in a happy long distance online relationship its none of my busisness and good for them but i could neber that shit doesnt seem rela i dont feel like i could commit to that whats my love language i dont trust ppl that much when they complement me becuase theysa y they care but that doesnt do much for me and then touchis like i think i font like it from anhone but ppl i like like that so maybe not sure yet would not ask for a hug seems uncomfortable acts of kindness or whatever is eh ebcause idc and idk how to show my appreciation i think mima  robot illt ake the quiz now and ill lepp you updated u know i love the un someword i cant think of rn because fog un likely thats it anyways like repressed church girl with gay basketball athelete BUT THE THING I  oops hte thing that i find cool about that is that they both have their own experiences and traumas from their repsective lives but whe theyre together none of that shit matters like they wren’t made for each otehr per say but they just fit like they can talk about ti and it just feels right with oneanother that type fo shit i s=jsut fin that so awesome i dont think anyones ever gonan be able to fully understand me idont understant me woah this is long i do another post after i do quiz for love languages

f f f f f f  f fo o o o o o o o o  g  g g g g g g g g  g g g g g g  

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

[caepaecaesurae]

> Cladeball : Try to deal with it, a few hours after the Big Show

(( Traumatised, post-voodoo Cae under the cut. ))

ML: Kankri was running out of ideas on how to try to break the crying cycles and draw Cronus back out of his own head. Fingers stroked damp hair and he finally suggested. "We could watch a show- I know theres a broadcast of the carapacians performing Dave Strider's version of Romeo and Juilet." CC: It had been a pretty long few hours.  Cronus had shown up at the door, walked in, and awkwardly stood there until the hugs started.  Since then, he hadn't said a word through the tears, though he'd hugged them both back, and been convinced first to bathe and then coaxed out of the bathroom again.  At least he was responsive to physical affection, and it mostly seemed to help, even if random coping strategies just made the crying worse now. He leaned into Nadaya, his head slightly pressed into Kankri's fingers. CA: Nadaya wrapped his arms around his poor kismesis, purring increasing at any acknowedgement of affection. He buried his face in Cro's hair. "Hey...I love you, you know. Dearest, I love you, okay?" It was important that he knew. ML: Kankri nuzzled into his grande sized moirail. "I hear the show is quite interesting to watch." Come on Cae venture an opinion we know you can do it. CC: Usually what Dave Strider had done to the classics was enough to get a rise out of him, and today was almost no different.  Still, it was probably Nadaya to whom the sudden and bitterly-explosive "WVhy?" was aimed.(edited) CA: Thats progress of a sort! Nadaya didnt flinch, though his ears went up in surprise. "You're my kismesis? Unless you mean why the show, in which case it's probably a unique spin on a timeless classic," okay reel it in there's no need to mess with him today. "No but seriously, I was aware of the whole thing and this hasnt changed my opinion on you." Nadaya is just... still cuddling him. ML: "Strider certainly does have a flare about his works." Kankri continued stroking hair, pretending like he hadnt jumped a little at the sudden loud word. CC: He produced a watery sort of sniffle, nearly falling back into tears, but forcing his way forward instead.  "..I don't understand," came out much more softly. CA: "You're a good man that did terrible things. You're trying to make up for them, and youre not defined by your mistakes." Cuddlecuddleprrrrrpet. "You're a better person now than then." ML: Kankri nuzzled fearlessly in to Cae the way only those blessed with tiny nubby horns can do. "You've come so far, and tried so hard." CC: Part of him wanted to compulsively finish some song lyrics he recognized, and the impulse was tugging his pan in a few directions simultaneously.  The sob was soft, and he hugged thm gently, leaning mostly into Nadaya.  "Am I?  I don't -- --it's too much.  I can't --  I don't knowv howv--"

He sure was coming down from a violently hyper-emotional voodoo nightmare alright. CA: Nadaya's purr softened, his arms cloosed against his sad lump of a kismesis and nuzzled him gently. "You are. You're doing good and you've changed so much, and even if your instincts do things you choose what to do instead. I love you." ML: He stroked his fingers through short hair over and over gently. "What don't you know how to do love, you need to use longer sentences, take a deep breath." CC: And now he was crying about not knowing how to slow own and structure his sentences.  Was this what it was like to be Mituna?  He hated it.  He still hated Cronus a little more.  "..I'm trying,"he sobbed softly. CA: "You are and I love you, I adore you, te amo, you're so important to me," Nadaya whispered gently, petting his back and peppering tiny soft kisses over his face. "You're trying, you're doing good, take your time sweetheart." ML: "It's okay love, you're doing fine, we love you, words are difficult sometimes, take your time." He rubbed his face back and forth against his shoulder, fingers tangled gently in his hair. CC: The tears started to get quieter again, and a heap of seadweller clung to them bot tightly, as best he could manage.  "..it's so much and I don't knowv howv to be fine.  There's so much hate." CA: Nadaya clung back just as tight, purring. "I believe in you, you'll figure it out." ...He said that because he had no advice to give yet, but... ML: Kankri wrapped arms around what he could of his entire monster he'd quadded and nuzzled him, he kissed his tears  and tried to pap him without touching fins. "Take our love, and let us help. We will figure it out together" CC: The crying started up again, but he held them close and nodded, trying to agree without having the coordination to put it into words that clearly.  He'd try.  They'd try.  They'd work it out.

Even if that was too much to think about, yet. CA: Nadaya pressed a kiss against the nearest part of Cae, and nodded right back, earnestly. "We'll figure it out yeah, and you can take your time, it'll be okay. I adore you with every fiber of my being, and I'll do whatever you think helps, moonbeam." The purr intensified, almost a testament to his words. ML: "Visions often leave you shaken and uncertain of who you are" He stroked his hair. "This is normal, especially for extrodinarily bad ones." CC: It was remarkably, unnervingly reassuring to hear, which was enough to send him bawling again.  He managed to stumble his way through a few indistinct "I love you"s, though, which Prosperity's strange translation field comfortably translated out of troll latin and greek.  His quadrants were good, and right here, and knew what was going on even if he couldn't handle it, and he could trust them.  Probably. CC: A few apologies snuck their way in too. CA: Though the translation was good, Nadaya could remember that there's a distinct  feel about translated words, from that one time an anon made him speak every language and he used troll latin and greek slang at Cronus to piss him off in the teashop. The memory brought a smile to his face,  and what definitely wasn't a tear to the corner of his eye. "Te amo, te amo," he whispered, shoving his face into Cae. He was good and his and Nadaya would protect him. He didn't know what to do about the apology, but "It's okay, you needn't apologize to me, it's okay" was good, right? ML: "I love you, te amo." He echoed and got out a hankerchief from somewhere, gently cleaning his face  with it and kissing after  as he tried to dry his tears. "We are here, It is alright, if I were better with my powers I would help calm you mind.." He fussed. CC: For a moment, there was a shred of a guttery purr, just barely, but then it guttered again and he sobbed softly, shaking his head.  "--Please, no more, My mind is mine," CA: ..There was a half-wince. Voodoo and shit, right. "Nothing's gonna happen, it's alright, no one is touching your mind ever again. Ever again. I'll ensure it." He clung tighter, tried to say he loved him in the other ancient language his kismesis favoured, except since he just looked up the term onehanded on his phone, the word came out clumsy, and "i {{ἀγαπάω}}" came out as "i enjoy/cherish" instead of intended, but maybe it helped him anyway. ML: "No, no I'm sorry love, never without your permission. I could not have faced Arlequin and his voodoo myself," Quick reassurances, soft kisses. "I will not even try to touch it." CC: Open tears turned into soft, hiccoughy laughter.  With tears.  He couldn't seem to stop crying, but at least there was a different cause about every six seconds, and he was starting to be able to at least tell that that was the case.  "..I lovwe you, I lovw you both -- I-- I don't knowv wvhat I'm doing.  ...I really did that," CA: "It's okay, light of my life, you can figure out what you're doing in due time." Nadaya reached up and kissed his cheek, and rubbed his face on the stubble because he's fucking weird. "You did, love." There's nothing to say that isn't upsetting, so Nad just... took Cae's hand and kissed Cae's kismesis ring. Romancé. ML: "You did, you did." He was rubbing his face against his moirail as much as Nadaya was so neither of them were being too weird comparatively." You're okay, you're going to be fine, it will be okay, you're safe." Some of this was for Kankri's benefit. CC: The kiss on the ring earned a small blush out of him, and fingers curled gently around Nadaya's.  He was starting to settle again, finally -- a ten second period passing with no new reasons to cry was a good start, and he was going to cling to it.  It was time again for the soft purrs to try to start up, as he held them close and rocked gently.

"..I'm okay," he agreed softly. CA: Well, it might be weirder for Nadaya because they're pitch and not pale, but he doesn't care. Being held close is a gift no matter the circumstances, and Nadaya leaned in happily, heart leaping at the purrs. He then promptly nuzzled the hand curled around his, smile spreading. "You are, and tea ammo." ML: He hugged his arms around the arm around him and tucked his cheen in, turning his face in against him. "You are. You are fine. He wasn't trying to hurt you." He was mildly freaked out in the aftermath, more than he had been in the conception of this, it probably did not help that he and Nadaya had both been stress drinking waiting for Cae. CC: Caesuae squeezed Kankri gently, nuzzling in a little more closely.  ...he wasn't entirely sure that Kankri's words were true, but they were specific enough that he was starting to notice, and managed a brief glance to Nadaya over Kankri's horns, gauging to see if the other troll had heard anything odd in the tone of that.

A few moments passed, before he gently shushed Kankri, and squeezed him one more time. CA: Though the alcohol had dulled the senses a lil bit, Nadaya did have a very sensitive radar for subtle changes, and this pinged, ear flicking. He just liked pretending otherwise. It took a split second decision - would acting on it upset Cae again? Probably, so no - and so he  just continued nuzzlepurring Cae's hand. "Nothing bad will happen again, I will ensure it, so don't worry," he chirped cheerfully, pressing a tiny kiss to his kismesis' yaoi grabdactyl. The words were for Kankri's benefit too.

CC!mun: (( Editor’s note: 

)) ML: Fingers reached up to stroke Cae's cheek with a slight tremor but otherwise managing fine. "Nadaya, our hero." That was completely serious, no edge of mocking or teasing. CC: It was a comfort purr this time, soft and faint but very real.  Caesurae nodded his agreament again, taking a moment to wipe one of his eyes.  He didn't know how to handle himself, or anyhing that was going on, but he knew how to reflexively comfort Kankri.  It was one of the stranger coping mechanisms they shared. CA: Nadaya's fins spread out and the biolum on his face lit up at Kankri's unexpected words. Thats, gosh, well. Okay, maybe Nad should cuddle them by smooshing his face in Cae until this stops. ML: Kankri patted Nadaya on the back and curled himself into his moirail as tight as he could. Everything would be just find. "I'm sorry love I'm a little tipsy and its making me emotional." CC: The mention of alcohol made his fins flinch slightly, but he buried his face against Kankri and whuffed softly.  They could all cuddle in a tight little ball until this was over with, even if the tears were slowly starting up again.  It was a good streak.  He tried.

"..emotions for evwerybody," was all he could think to say. CA: The world could shrink down to a tight cladeball for now. "Yeah," said Nad,  face still flashing, scritching his kismesis and patting Kankri's back. "I adore you. We'll overcome this." ML: "Giving them out like candy." Kankri murmured with a soft shuddering breath, he was not goign to cry too, Cae was doing quite enough crying for them both. CC: The cladeball gently rocked , and sniffled, and Caesurae nodded into it.  This was likely to be the way of things for a while.  ...maybe the next day or two.  Or three. CA: Nadaya was fine with that, and occasionally told Cae all about how much he loves him, in specific detail. CC: It made him cry, but at least they were good tears.