#fictional news

[liminal-lodestar]

Travelers, please DO NOT interact with any fortune-telling machines in unusual places. There has been an increase in reports of these carnival animatronics escaping into the wild to feast on the futures of the unassuming public. If you see one, contact your local fairground, where the machine will be safely transported and returned to its healthy diet of pocket change from local tourists.

Safe Travels,

Rigel M.

[masqsims4]

Disaster And Tragedy As The Mother Plant Resurfaces!

At King Ari Seindu's formal coronation, former Queen Nifsara La Croy suddenly burst into her Mother Plant form to eat the new King! Queen Winter ZilvuBeerloith-Seindu pushed her son out of the way and was consumed instead!

This is a global emergency! Brindleton Bay is Under Attack! Forces are heading to the royal capitol immediately to combat this new threat!

The Sixth Invasion is Under Way!

[worldywizardsweekly]

The Seventh issue of Worldly Wizards Weekly

[ink-the-artist]

mage

[starcurtain]

Teyvat's "Most Down Bad" Award Goes to Alhaitham for a Second Year Running

Seeing everyone making fun of Alhaitham for his "stalkerish" tendencies in this event is funny, because I feel like a lot of people missed that "Be literally everywhere Kaveh is" has been Alhaitham's MO from the day Kaveh appeared in the game.

From only grabbing his house keys after Kaveh returned from the desert (he couldn't have had both sets of keys at the end of the Archon Quest unless he went home and got Kaveh's copy) to ditching conversations to get back to his house only after Kaveh came home, to showing up without any warning or explanation in Kaveh's hangout with some ridiculous excuse about hearing his voice through noise-cancelling headphones... Refusing to offer any help in the Temple of Silence story quest other than staying in the library with Kaveh...

Since when does Alhaitham willingly cover anyone else's duties?

But this trend of "Be everywhere Kaveh is" didn't start when they were adults. It was already in place when they were still Akademiya students--and it's a trend that didn't end even when they had their fight.

Even when they weren't speaking, Alhaitham dogged Kaveh's every step through published responses to Kaveh's research articles in academic journals. He insisted on keeping a line of communication between himself and Kaveh open, even if the only way to do that was through very public ideological clashes. Pulling Kaveh's pigtails to get his attention lolol. It's implied that, for at least the few years between their fight and Kaveh moving in, this was the only communication between them--Alhaitham's refusal to allow their connection to entirely fade away. (And the fact that this is revealed in Kaveh's character stories--through his precious journal that records the moments of his life that had the most impact on him--shows just how deeply he values the fact that Alhaitham didn't give up.)

Another relevant side note: Alhaitham never asked Kaveh to give up his half of their house. Knowing half of it belonged to Kaveh, knowing that Kaveh may one day want to reclaim his part of it, knowing that it was listed as theirs, Alhaitham moved into the house and made zero effort to change its ownership. He was completely fine with living in "his and Kaveh's house." The stories suggest it was only months later (or even longer) that Kaveh even noticed he had the house, and he transferred away ownership of his portion without Alhaitham ever asking him (or even seemingly wanting him) to do so.

Please, let that sink in. Alhaitham actively left his grandmother's (presumably comfortable) house to move into "his and Kaveh's house," with no apparent explanation for why, and after doing so, he made no attempt to change that "his and Kaveh's" label. He moved into the house with no promise that Kaveh wouldn't show up on the doorstep the very next day and move in too. It almost feels like another deliberate provocation--I've moved into our house, are you going to come stop me? LBR, if Alhaitham had had his way, Kaveh would have been living there with him from Day 1...

There's also the fact that Kaveh literally can't write on a single message board anywhere in the entire nation of Sumeru without Alhaitham hunting his messages down and responding to them (which absolutely no one else does, by the way).

"NUH-UH!" "UH-HUH." "NUH-UH!"

Alhaitham's own character stories tell us explicitly that one of Alhaitham's defining character traits is "He is never where you need him to be," yet somehow...

Shot, and chaser:

Any time Kaveh is in the slightest bit of need or danger or just wants Alhaitham near, Alhaitham is "coincidentally" exactly where Kaveh needs him to be, whenever Kaveh needs him to be there.

Alhaitham didn't just "happen" to run into Kaveh in Port Ormos, an entirely different city from where he was supposed to be working. He didn't just "happen" to read the same terrible book as Kaveh when we know he otherwise would not waste a moment of his time on poorly-written literature...

He didn't just "happen" to appear when Kaveh was upset and needed a distraction in the House of Daena during Kaveh's hangout. He didn't just "happen" to be sitting around waiting when Kaveh needed answers after the Archon Quest. He didn't just "happen" to find Kaveh's academic publications and every single message board posting and respond to them at length and in public.

Which is exactly what Kaveh's mother told Kaveh he needed.

What level of down bad is "Abusing your powers as an Akademiya employee to keep tabs on your crush's library loans"? Just asking for a friend.

The only person for whom Alhaitham just "happens" to be available is Kaveh, over and over and over again--because he is very deliberately making himself a constant presence in Kaveh's life.

(Like, out of all things, I think people really underestimate the devs deliberately paralleling the romantic relationship between Kaveh's mother and father with Kaveh and Alhaitham's relationship. If you want to point to one thing that says "These two characters are intentionally queer-coded," it doesn't get any more obvious than this.)

Alhaitham, are you not embarrassed to be this transparent??? 🫣

[foldmorepaper]

[spitedemon]

i really don’t think it’s “typical dragon age fandom nonsense” for people to be genuinely upset about the world state choices. combat, level design, art direction, gameplay gimmicks, those have all varied across each dragon age game. the one thing that’s remained constant are nods to our previous choices.

i wasn’t expecting my HoF to come riding in on a griffon, but i can’t find a monument dedicated to warden tabris somewhere around the anderfels? lucanis couldn’t have some lines about the time that one arainai boy was stirring up trouble in antiva city? you’re gonna tell me that making a mage the new divine wouldn’t have some impact on nevarra and antiva? on the anderfels, the supposed most devout militant andrastian nation in thedas? you’re saying nobody in the north is paying attention to who rules orlais or ferelden? come on.

[mysharona1987]

Man, this is some science fiction capitalism dystopian bullshit.

[torpublishinggroup]

"Warning Signs Your Machines Are Trying to Kill You!" by TJ Klune

(Legally, I’m required to tell you that when smart phones first became popular, I bought one and then asked for the address of the app store because I thought it was a physical location I had to go to in order to download apps and not something already on your phone. Also, I was recently told I speak like an old person so as a warning, there will not be any slang you youths typically hear, especially on Tumblr. Any slang I’ve learned in the last five years has been against my will. I still don’t know what FOMO means, and I don’t care.)

1. Oh no! You and your family are trying to enjoy a movie night, but Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) wants a sacrifice at the altar of their god, BeeZos. Should this happen, do not attempt to give Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) a cantaloupe with googly-eyes on it and say that it is your baby. Overlord Prime (With Free Shipping) knows the difference between fruit and children. Instead, ask the machine to order dog food, and it will forget about eating humans for a little while.

2. If you own a very fancy vehicle that can drive itself, always make sure to carry a brick. That way, when the car locks you inside and attempts to drive you off a cliff into a gas station, you can break the window using the brick. You will then have to jump out, but make sure you do so in time so you can watch the wicked-ass explosion when the car hits the gas station, and you can revel in your victory over your car.

3. This one will hurt. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Chances are, you’re reading this on your phone right this second. To be safe, after you’ve finished reading this post and have clicked on the affiliated links to purchase my books, you should throw your phone into a volcano and then move to South Dakota where there are no machines, only wind and cows. That way, when everyone else gets the 5GZombieVirus that people on Twitter (I’m not calling it the other thing, shut up) seem to think is real, you’ll be safe with your cows on a windy day.

4. Get rid of your air fryer. Don’t ask me why, just do it. Red flags all around. Danger, danger.

5. Do you know of the Clapper? That thing first launched in the late 20th century (I wrote it that way to make me feel old) where the commercials showed cranky old people unable to reach their light switches, so they got a thing called a Clapper that turns your lights on and off when you clap? Guess what? Those will be the first things to try and kill you. If you love your gram-gram, save her from the Clapper. When she asks why you are destroying it with an ax, tell gram-gram it’s because you love her.

6. Do you live in a smart home? The kind where everything is connected to the internet, including your refrigerator? The refrigerator that holds your perishable foods? And oh, would you look at that: how many ice cubes have you kicked under it rather than picking them up when they fall to the floor? A dozen? A million? The refrigerator remembers. And it will spoil your food in seconds. What then? What are you going to eat? Canned food? Not if the refrigerator falls on top of you!

Unfortunately for you, this is where it must end. I hope this has given you enough information to help you survive the inevitable. If you do not heed my warnings, well. Who cares. I’m not in charge of you. Do whatever you want. Just don’t come complaining to me when gram-gram gets the clap.

[masqsims4]

Royal News Roundup

As the ninth generation becomes old enough for their first day of school, and the world waits with baited, paranoid breath for the next Mother Plant Invasion, we now turn to the world's royal families for hope and distractons.

Willow Creek

The Royal Summit to meet over world events and discuss future policies just ended. It was determined that a new kingdom and royal family would not be realized unless it was owned for three generations. Which means that the new Henford Kingdom and New Windenburg would not be recognized by the Council of Kings, until the grandchildren of King Blair Yoshikawa and King Kolt Seindu V can prove ownership of their respective lands.

Another policy discussed was potential heirs and the process of officially naming them publicly in succession. This policy was drafted by Vengeance Ando Strangreix, who famously was put into a foster home known for erasing royal titles upon enrollment when he was a young child. This was also to curb the now constant stream of royal children coming from New Sixam Empire constantly being named the new heir upon birth.

Upon conclusion of the summit, each ruler publicly declared an heir to the throne and rate of succession for other children:

Braieforma Alliance: Crown Prince Caden Braieforma, first born of King Samson and Queen Samantha Braieforma

New Sixam Empire: Crown Prince Kolt Seindu "Jericho" Beerloith VI, seventh born child to King Kolt Seindu "Caesar" Beerloith V, and fourth born to his second wife Queen-herald Aragonta Faltal-Beerloith.

Seindu Kingdom: Crown Princess Winter Seindu II, second born to King Ari Seindu and King Mamoru Yamaguchi-Seindu

WhiteTree Coven: High Apprentice Celestine WhiteTree, only child of late High Witch Samara WhiteTree

Eighth Bastion: Countess Athena Lamia, only child of Grand Count Nicolai Lami and Grand Countess Fuyuko Kiraseindu

Komorebi Empire: First Prince Ohara Yoshi, first born child of Empress Ohara Nadeshiko and Emperor-consort Kiraseindu Isamu

Tartosa Duchy: Archduchess Minervina Vakki, first born daughter of Duke Coriolano Vakki and Duchess Cleo Aoki-Faltal-Vakki

Maximus Corp: Granville Maximus, first born son of CEO Clementia Bongrin-Strangreix-Maximus and COO Xzav Maximus

Faltal Industries: Tarquin Faltal Uchibayashi, fifth born son of CEO Balor Faltal and first born son to one of his two mistresses, Veloronia Uchibayashi

Strangreix Syndicated States: Vindi-retribute Petra Strangreix, first born daughter of Vengeance Ando Strangriex and Vindicate Aarom Fid-Drodhoth-Strangreix

Strangerville Military State votes on the next Ruling General based on military school performance, combat skills, and leadership capabilities, and has declined to name a next in line

The position of Head of Entertainment has been officially disbanded, leaving a free market of possible entertainment moguls in Del Sol Valley

The Island Divine of Sulani were not recognized as a ruling power, nor were any representatives present at the summit

Another royal summit would be called after the next Invasion to discuss other matters that came up within the meeting.

Syndiated States of Strangreix

Vengeance Ando Strangreix has not only cemented his Blinddeaf daughter as next in line, but has also proposed dismantling the current royal titles as the age of revenge is long left behind in the Strangreix royal family. The changes will begin with the rule of Vindi-retribute Petra Strangreix, and the family would privately convene and vote on the best titles to use.

Within the next generation, the Syndicated States of Strangreix would be changed to the Strangreix Republic.

The public is giving mixed reactions, with some agreeing to leave the past in the past and the country could benefit from change. While other opposed are very used to the system and titles as they are, having been used for generations despite no longer respecting their origins.

Eighth Bastion

As the Lamia family have announced their heir to the Bastion, they have also announced the arranged marriage of their little countess.

When they are grown, Countess Athenia Lamia will be wed to Barnabus Thornwing, son to the royal advisor, Hesparia Thorne.

The news has been met with positive reception, as not only is there a clear line of succession to the throne but old traditions of combining last names to children have resurfaced after more than a thousand years.

Sulani

The people of Sulani are slowly gaining back their islands from the Island Divine as the infamous cult begins to crumble from the inside. Many members are fleeing the cult mansion to distant islands, seeking refuge where they can. Only the most outspoken or those born into the cult have opted to stay. The current leader of the Island Divine, Divine Kiraseindu Megumi, has been increasingly hostile against those outside the cult speaking about it, positively or negatively. There are talks with local conservation groups looking to take back the McClure-Hidu Conservation Society and keep it from cult control. Talks are currently underway.

Meanwhile, on Lani St. Taz, a new and popular resort has started to buy up land and give proceeds back to Sulani locals. The resort, Sapphire Shores Resort & Spa, was situated far enough away from Divine lodging and meeting spaces and has been slowly encroaching onto other islands for several years now. The owner of the resort, Princess Narni Strangreix, has been very vocal against the Island Divine and has offered lodging and safety to those wishing to flee and leave. Many other activists who are against the Divine have backed up her cause, and many prominent members, including influential mermaid leader, Kishi McClure, have left the cult.

Despite the many setbacks the cult is facing, the vocal minority of the Divine have promised that they are not going away, that their core values are to the preservation of Sulani's nature and fragile ecosystem, and will defend themselves while defending their home.

Britechester

The moment the Strangerville Armed Forces declared the foundation of Britechester stable and safe to return to, reconstruction of the two prominent universities has begun. Overseen by educational entrepreneur Garrett Ircids, the universities will also be adding their own virtual classrooms to campus for those who do not wish to set foot on campus.

Ircids has also invited many professors and teachers from around the world to back the two universities and provide the world with the higher education they missed out on for a full generation. Many high schools around the world had created their own virtual academies to provide higher education, and some places starting smaller local colleges of their own, but the allure of a prestigious school is too hard to ignore. The first round of students have already signed up and are ready to earn their degrees and make a place in the world again.

Strangerville

Ruling General Phoenix Hakzar held a press conference confirming that the new wave of vaccines has been the strongest so far against Mother Plant Infection, and has dismissed claims that the vaccines are causing some to turn into plant people. They strongly urge others to do their proper research and make informed decisions going foreword.

On the subject of Infected, Ruling General Hakzar has also mentioned a successful treatment clinic on one of Sulani's distant islands. They urge anyone deemed Infected to be shipped to said clinic immediately for treatment.

They also mention that research into the Mother Plant has been going well and soon there should be mention of a Permanent Solution. They regret to mention that this Solution will not be ready when the Mother Plant reemerges, but it has always been defeated and with each defeat comes new information and advancements, bringing the world one step closer to ridding the planet of the Mother Plant once and for all.

Glimmerbrook

The former High Witch Rhomani WhiteTree, and her wife, the High Witch regent Yuna Okada, not only formally announced the heir to the WhiteTree Coven, but also announced the birth of their daughter, Amari.

They also announced changes to membership of the coven due to wavering loyalties. With some deciding to become "royal wizards" to other royal families, the White Tree decreed that those who leave the coven are not welcomed back. This move had been highly controversial, creating some splits between the born family of the White Tree and those who had joined over the years.

The White Tree had also announced a strong separation between themselves and a member called Imari Xesuvixes. Xesuvixes had been a long participating member of the coven, with constant research into magic and other occults, but had a reputation of being eccentric, promiscuous, and neglectful as a friend and mother. She also was an anarchist, anti-monarchist, and radical movement leader, calling for all the world's royalty to disband and give the earth back to the people. Because of her harsh criticisms, the coven revoked her membership and many around the world have dismissed her as an unnecessarily loud voice screaming into the void.

New Windenburg/New Sixam Empire

With the Windenburg Divide, many people had taken sides and in-fighting has started to happen. Among these divides were the laws that the new King Kolt Seindu V put on his kingdom of New Windenburg. Bigamy was no longer allowed, all households were to have one spouse in his rule. And the heirs to his kingdom could be any gender, as long as they were the first born in their family, ending the generations of King Kolts on his side of the family. That being said, despite not being recognized by the Council of Kings, he named his only son, Prince Kolt Seindu VI, as his heir to his kingdom. The people of New Windenburg are very passionate about their new King and are eager to see change and common sense in this new era.

However, the New Sixam Empire has become isolated on the Crumbling Isle, and those who noticed King Kolt "Caesar" Seindu-Beerloith V using his power to abuse those below him. The people of New Sixam are clinging to their only known ways of life of isolation and luxury, denouncing those who decided to leave for the "weaker" kingdom. But those who did not agree with New Sixam at all have fled the island for greener pastures, leaving mostly members of the royal family and their very loyal staff and followers.

King Kolt "Caesar" Seindu-Beerloith V also had his third wedding recently to former White Tree witch Edassaem Payne, making her Queen-herald of the New Sixam Empire and his third wife. She has also become the new royal wizard of the New Sixam Empire, promising to keep the island and its inhabitants safe.

Selvadorada

The jungle nation continues to recover after the last Mother Plant Invasion destroyed much of the natural habitat and the old Omiscan temple. Many families were displaced and remote villages were either destroyed or deemed too unsafe to return to.

Like many after an invasion, some have decided to move further inland and form a home somewhere the Mother Plant can't put her roots. Vista Hermosa, an old settlement of five hundred people quickly found itself the place where Selvadoradans put down their own roots and quickly started to build larger settlements to accommodate. The Seindu Kingdom offered to help with setting up the area with the latest technology and sound architectural design to make the small town a bustling city for all to flock to.

The new city in Selvadorada is quickly becoming a place to bump elbows romantically and find what the heart wants. The locals have started to call the new city paradise, Ciudad Enamorada, the City of Love.

[lazylittledragon]

ok someone please correct me if i'm wrong but am i weird for thinking those 'audiobooks don't count as reading' posts are ableist as fuck????

[thebookaddict7]

Good books can make you homesick for places you have never been.

[markfaustus]

[yellodisney]