#deep space survival tip 614

[foldmorepaper]

[briflatclarinet]

Days of Wolfmas: Prompt Six

U.S.S. HEPHAESTUS STATION, WOLF 359 MISSION

PROJECT WOLFMAS: TRANSCRIPTION AND NOTES

Log Date: 12060156-WDE

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

EIFFEL

(Note: Officer Eiffel appears to be laughing as he speaks.) Oh no, no, no. You can’t seriously expect me to keep doing this. Especially when you give me somethin- something like this.

MINKOWSKI

(Sigh) What’s wrong now, Eiffel?

HERA

He read the question ahead of time for once. And he doesn’t like this one.

EIFFEL

It goes everything I stand for! Besides, it’s impossible, I refuse to believe someone actually has a favorite Deep Space Survival tip.

MINKOWSKI

You mean you don’t?

EIFFEL

(Note: Eiffel laughs incredulously.) You’ve got to be kidding me! No, for real, you’re joking! You can’t have a favorite, No one is that dedicated to protocol.

MINKOWSKI

I do.

EIFFEL

I don’t believe you. What is it?

MINKOWSKI

Easy. Tip 944.

(Silence)

EIFFEL

And the tip says?

MINKOWSKI

You know, you’d know the answer to that if you actually memorized the manual like you were supposed to.

EIFFEL

So you’re not going to tell me?

MINKOWSKI

Nope.

EIFFEL

Fine! But I’m still not doing it. In fact, why don’t you take over for today, Commander? This question is right up your alley, ya know.

MINKOWSKI

I’ve told you before, Eiffel, Command specifically asked for you to do these recordings each day. Not me, not Hilbert, not Hera. You.

EIFFEL

Oh, come on! What’s one day going to do? It’ll still be recorded, just by you instead.

MINKOWSKI

No, Eiffel.

EIFFEL

But this could be your chance to show me how it’s done! You could prove how easy this job is and show me why I should stop complaining about it! Besides, after how yesterday went, I deserve this.

HERA

The last response did leave Officer Eiffel pretty shaken up, Commander.

(Silence)

MINKOWSKI

(Sighs) Fine, give me the paper.

EIFFEL

(Note: Officer Eiffel sounds triumphant.) Yes! Take it away, sir!

MINKOWSKI

(Sighs) Commander Minkowski of the Wolf 359 mission here with today’s-- Wolfmas?—question. And today’s question is: What is your favorite DSSPPM tip?

EIFFEL

(Mutters) This should be good.

MINKOWSKI

(Clears throat) And the answer is: My favorite tip is number 614: When in doubt, whip it out! It being hydrochloric acid.

EIFFEL

A classic. Frankly, I’m disappointed in you, Mystery Writer. Nobody except for Minkowski should like these tips enough to have a favorite. It’s just unnatural.

MINKOWSKI

Eiffel! Will you let me finish?

EIFFEL

Sorry, Commander.

MINKOWSKI

Anyway, as I was saying: I’m not sure why, but this tip is so funny to me and it’s one I find myself thinking and then laughing about often. Plus it helps remind me of happier times before things went south.

EIFFEL

Is that it?

MINKOWSKI

Yep. Now, was that so hard?

EIFFEL

But it was so boring! You should have added a bit of pizazz by adding at least a comment or two. Maybe even a more interesting intro.

MINKOWSKI

It isn’t about making it interesting! All that matters is that I read both the question and answer and now the recording is ready to go to command. Got it?

EIFFEL

Reading you loud and clear, Commander. Could you at least give the future listeners your opinion on the tip?

MINKOWSKI

It’s a good tip that’s came in handy on multiple occasions. Happy?

EIFFEL

(Chuckles) Very. Just let me close up here and I’ll send it out right away.

(Clears throat) So there you have it folks, both Mystery Writer and Minkowski are huge nerds for liking the DSSPPM tips and actually taking the time to choose a favorite. I’d recommend they both go outside more to get fresh air, but well (chuckles) Minkowski can’t exactly do that.

MINKOWSKI

Eiffel!

EIFFEL

Goodnight, everybody!

END TRANSMISSION

[shuttlescoob]

reason #614 of why i need to get dee space survival guide tips tattooed on me

[achromatophoric]

Enid, while I admire the sentiment, your math grade is not something that can be solved with an acidic solvent. Now please sit so I can tutor you.

[b-for-my-name]

wanted to add a little context to this quote! i've been re-listening (for the umpteenth time) to the podcast Wolf 359, this time because it's 10th anniversary was on August 14th! below are the relevant page from the DSSPPM, and a page from each of the scripts that quote this survival tip, plus a clip of audio from each of the episodes :)