#felt good to find this in my drafts and realize how much has happened and changed since then

[beautifulterriblequeen]

This is full of personal and TDP angst so I’mma cut for those who aren’t into that today.

cw: injury, death, illness, angst

I don’t want to overidentify with my favorite TDP characters and I don’t want to overshare, but I’ve been having Many Thoughts these past few months and I thought I’d try to write them out. I know I always process things better after writing them out. Maybe this’ll help put some stuff in perspective for someone else, too.

So psst psst there’s a pandemic on, right, and in the middle of it, my husband got Very Ill. It kind of snuck up on us because Gosh There’s A Lot Of Shit In 2020, but by early November, I was mentally preparing to be a widow by Christmas. Things were Very Not Good and every day was, ah, let’s call it Rough. That’s a, that’s not something you really tell people when you’re in the middle of it. You just smile and wave and carry on, because what are they gonna do about it? Okay, maybe you’re better at sharing your feels than I am. I didn’t tell anyone.

I wrote my fics and played my games and messed around on my ask blogs and pretended everything was fine.

Narrator: You read the above paragraph. You know it was not fine.

Illusion is great sometimes. But there is going to come a point when you just, you can’t. You can’t keep looking at it. Reality is gonna reach through and bitchslap you, and you gotta pay attention to it, because reality is what matters the deepest. Illusion still matters. It serves a purpose. Illusions are like memes, we all get them, we all pretend identically. But every now and then, you need to look the truth in the face. And you can’t be scared when that happens.

it’s 13 feet tall and built of lanky shadows, and it’s shuddering out some kind of infrasound too low to hear but it’s shaking your guts and eating your memories. And you have to stand there. And stare it dead in the eyes. And say, “I see you. You might win this one. I might lose and it might totally suck. But I see you. I see what I’m up against here. And I’m fighting anyway.”

[Thor voice] “Because that’s what heroes do!” is optional, but always appreciated. You do you, guys!

Anyway, emergency surgery and Christmas in the hospital, yadda yadda yadda, things are a little better now, but this forest is endless, or maybe it’s walking alongside us, not sure which. Either way, not out of said woods yet. Treatments are serious and ongoing and no one has precise enough answers for which you-can’t-change-your-mind-later path to take. Such fun times, you have no idea, and I hope you never do. It’s literally Pick Your Poison. Yesterday, my husband picked his poison. We’re going Thisaway with treatment, and what is done cannot be undone.

I’ve been having flashes of insight on how Runaan and Ethari might have been feeling during the months between Winter’s Turn and Runaan’s mission leaving the Silvergrove. Obviously their situation is A: different, and B: fictional. But sometimes I just gotta get out of my own head for a few minutes.

Today, my therapist called me out for locking up all my feelings. I know I’m doing it. Everyone needs me, and there’s only so much of me to go around. Everyone around me is falling apart in a different way. My husband, both my kids. I can’t fix everything. Some days I don’t feel like I can fix a damn thing at all. But we still gotta eat and sleep and work and do school do NOT get me started. So the feelings go in the tower and I Get Shit Done. I’m up early, I’m up late, I never get enough sleep. Therapist called me a machine. I told her she wasn’t wrong.

Then she told me I had to start letting them out, had to let go somewhere, needed to tell my fam how hard things were for me. And I felt a giant stalactite of ice fall from the ceiling and stab me in the guts. Let go? Admit weakness? When my whole family is a mess and they’re relying on me to hold them together? What if that disheartens them? If that ruins everything? If I fall apart, they will too, and that’s the opposite of what I want! I’m holding on this tightly because this is how I help.

Uh. A Runaan insight, maybe. I was genuinely scared of letting my family know that I couldn’t entirely and completely handle everything that’s going on. But my therapist had a fun metaphor: bleed off the pressure. Like turning on the faucet juuuuust a little bit during winter so the pipes don’t freeze. Don’t want to lock up entirely, see, because ice is 10% bigger than the water it came from. It breaks things. So I’m going to give it a try. And I have to go first, because if you think I’m the uptight one in my family, ha ha ha nooooo. No I am not. So, in my future: a feelsy family talk, pushed into existence by Me, The Soft One.

I may not be afraid of death, but listen, it’s still very riveting. I’ve had my attention on it for months now, to the detriment of most of my other relationships. I can’t pretend things are normal, and I’m not going to try. But I can bleed off the pressure, for everyone’s sake. I need to be soft, sometimes. I want to be soft. It’s such a nice change from everything. It takes effort to remember to be soft, but for my kids, my friends, and my husband, I’ll do my very best. They’re all so worth it.

You’re all worth it and I love you guys. Be safe and be soft!

update: he lived :)

[egurt]

"daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird"

Trein,Crewel,Sam (separataly) x gn!reader

summary: reader is tired, they noticed. basically father figures headcanons¿

‼️ English isn't my first language (⁠・⁠–⁠・⁠;⁠)⁠ゞ strictly platonic!!!!reader is yuu. this is my old draft i hope it is as good as i remember

To be honest, all of this was starting to irritate you. Your friends' endless overblots, their indifference to your problems… Hell, they don't even ask how you're doing! None of them! And you're practically fainting from overwork and poor nutrition. Although it's not their fault that you have such a disgusting daily routine and lifestyle, right? But they could at least ask for the sake of decency.

The inaction of the Headmage was also getting on your nerves. This useless parody of a principal was diligently (no) trying to pretend that he was trying to find a way to get you home, but you seemed to have completely resigned yourself to the fact that this would never happen. And Crowley still had the courage to call you to his office every Friday, ask how your studies are going, knowing full well that everything is terrible, give you three and a half yen for living expenses and forcibly throw you out of his office! By the way, you haven't heard from him for a long time.. Is he on vacation again!? What a jerk-!

In general: You are tired. Very. Very much. It's like your friends don't care, you will never see your family again, and you have two hryvnias and one kopeck for living expenses.

Although, even if you think that no one notices your exhaustion, you are wrong.

Someone did notice.

Mozus Trein.

The old man has a nose for teenage problems, he is a real father, one of the few teachers, if not the only one, who has children

who had..

in general, he knows how depressed children behave. Experience!

"Perfect." - a male voice, this time imbued with a previously unfamiliar warmth, tears you out of your stream of thoughts. You raise your head only to see that you are left with your precious professor all alone in the classroom. It takes you a few seconds to realize that they are talking to you and that the room is empty.

The professor looks at you, the tense frown on his face softens when your eyes meet. - "It seems you spend too much time with Kingscholar, he is a bad influence on you, you are already starting to fall asleep during my lectures." - Trein shakes his head, but his tone is light, as if he is trying to joke.

"Ah…" - you straighten up, rubbing your eyes, trying to get rid of a horse dose of fatigue. - ".. I'm sorry, Professor, too much workload lately."

Trein puts his fingers on his chin and closes his eyes. - "Let me ask what kind of workload? I can't remember me burying you in too many assignments? Is Crewel being too harsh with you? Maybe I should figure it out-.."

"No, absolutely not!!" - you rush to interrupt him, waving your hands. - "Professor Crewel is not to blame for anything! It's Crowley who is piling a lot of work on me."

"Hm."

After that, you very clearly felt the difference between what kind of workload you had before and what you have now.

Unbeknownst to everyone, Trein was softer, more gentle and affectionate towards you: He praised you more often, called you to him after classes just to chat and relax, to talk about your problems.

It's so warm and cozy next to him, as if you were sitting by the fireplace under a fluffy knitted blanket, sipping ginger tea with milk.

He's your outlet, the one you can come to in any state and he will give you that parental love and care that you so lack.

Oh, how he misses his daughters.

10/10 ideal father figure.

Divus Crewel.

"Pup, come to me after class." - Crewel's voice, like a whip, cuts through the concentrated silence of the classroom. His tone sounds like a threat, a question rushes through your head: what have you done? Your classmates cast sympathetic glances at you, as if they have already sung the last verse for your soul.

But you silently fulfill the request, as always. When the classroom was empty at the end of the lesson,Crewel with some suspiciously serious and displeased look, which looked too much even for him, crossed his legs and looked at you so persistently and intensely that you could practically physically feel a hole being burned inside you.

"You… wanted something, Professor?" - you ask, awkwardly playing with the sleeves of your shirt, which is unforgivably big on you.

"I'd like to know what's going on with you." - Crewel begins. - "When you first came here, I could write off your shortcomings and mistakes to the fact that you're new to this world and just adapting, but now… You've been here for two years and you still make the stupidest mistakes in my lessons." - The professor leans back in his chair, twirling his pen between his fingers. - "But you're not stupid and I know it. So the only explanation for your sloppy approach is… fatigue." - The man concludes, looking at you with either condemnation or regret, it's hard to say.

You rush to come up with empty excuses, to tell the professor that everything is fine, that nothing bothers you, that it seems to him, but he covers you up faster, before you can utter a word: - "Let me guess, a ragged parrot is unable to take care of his most valuable student?" - He sees how you immediately quiet down, confirming his point.

"I see. So, listen to me, pup." - Crewel says,a little softer than his original commanding tone. - "If you need anything, then don't be shy, come to me."

He worries about you, sincerely worries. But what angers him most is the fact that Crowley is the reason for your fatigue.

Crewel almost killed Crowley after your conversation, he was ready to rip out all the feathers of this pigeon, for the way he behaves.

Why does Crowley avoid you when he sees you next to the professor?

He will not treat you in any special way in class, at least, he thinks so.

Crewel himself does not notice how he speaks to you much more tenderly and softly than to the others. The way he unconsciously ruffles your hair like you're some little animal, the way he turns a blind eye to some stupid mistake while checking your test, for which he would mercilessly take a couple of points off if it were another student.

You like chatting with him, especially gossiping. He turns out to be a very good friend, haha. But his advice, despite all his tenderness and warmth towards you, is quite harsh and firm.

"You need to be firmer." or "Don't let them treat you like that. You're not some kind of dirty mutt, right?"

8/10 great father figure, but maybe he shouldn't coddle you in front of everyone, it's not professional! Although, who cares? 10/10.

Sam. why doesn't he have a card yet(

You stood at the counter, looking as pathetic as you could, staring at your planned purchases - tuna for Grim and a couple of packs of instant noodles. You didn't have enough money. You really didn't.

Sam could have sworn he almost burst into tears right there on the spot along with you, just from looking at your saddened face. - "Hey, hey, wait-!" Sam reaches across the counter to grab your sleeve before you can leave without buying anything. - "I'll give it to you for free!"

You blink at him, not quite sure if he's serious or not, because well… it's Sam. But he's dead serious. - "Really..?"

The man exhales, completely taken aback by your innocent charm. - "Yeah, really." - And at that moment Sam was ready to give you all the treasures of his shop, just to see how a spark of joy flashes in your eyes, how a bright, sincere smile blossoms on your lips, and how you, infinitely grateful, shower him with gratitude.

He would like to see more often how your tired face lights up with a smile.

Sam knows firsthand about your money problems, the fucking bird does not give you enough!

He is ready to offer you a part-time job in his shop.

Believe me, he will pay you much more than Crowley.

He absolutely gives you generous discounts, and when he feels especially generous, he can even give the goods for free, if it is a food item. (Just don't tell the other students, otherwise they will get even more impudent!)

Sam thinks that he can do little to help, not imagining how happy you are that you can eat something other than miserable noodles.

He's too young to be a father! At least that's what he told you. But he's willing to put up with being an older brother or a cool uncle. So 7/10 father figure, 10/10 cool uncle

[matbaerzal]

blurb idea: tyson wants to golfing with you despite your protests and he’s lucky you love him so much so you let him drag you along but not without some tricks up your sleeve. you’re a total tease not wearing any panties underneath your short golf skirt and you’re bratty and push tyson’s buttons until he can’t take it anymore and guides you back to the clubhouse to fuck you in the bathroom

This has been in my drafts half finished for three years omg. After answering the other request I felt inspired to have a look at some old ones... I am so sorry to whoever requested this that it took so long, you've probably forgotten it by now if you're even still following and all that. ANYWAYS here's some tyson jost smut! NSFW under the cut (and a little over the cut too) Words: 1,4K

Tyson could feel his cock hardening as you hand him your lacy panties, the innocent look you're trying to give him doesn't quite hide your smirk. During your quick bathroom break, you'd come up with a plan to hopefully make your day more fun for yourself.

Tyson had managed to convince you to tag along to golf with him, despite your protests. Even though you had tried to be openminded once you got here, in the end you'd been right – you really didn't like golf, no, you hated it actually. The only positive thing was that Tyson looked incredibly hot, but ultimately even that became a negative thing because now all you could think about was him and how good his hands looked wrapped around the stupid golf club. And how his biceps looked in his tight t-shirt and how his pants perfectly showed off his thighs and butt. So, you thought it was only fair of you to even the playing field.

"What do you think you're doing?" he quickly shoves the lace into his pocket before anyone sees.

"I'm not doing anythi-".

"Don't even try to act all innocent right now" he warns you.

You press your thighs together at his tone, your plan was already working, and you couldn't wait until you finally got what you wanted out of him.

"Just trying to make your day as torturous as mine has been so far" you bite back.

"Is that so?".

"Mhm".

He scoffs, "right, if you think I'm gonna give you what you want you're wrong, baby."

"Wanna bet?" you look down at his obvious bulge, knowing he's trying to convince himself more than he's trying to convince you.

--

It didn't take long for you to realize that you'd underestimated his willpower a little. While the best-case scenario would have been him dragging you right back to the clubhouse right after you'd given him your panties, you knew it wasn't likely. But it had been over an hour now. You'd been rubbing his thigh as he drove the golf cart, but he brushed your hand away if it crept up too high. You'd been bending over a little extra as it was your turn to take a shot – but all he'd done was correct your posture.

You huff out, as you take the golf club Tyson hands you. Tyson's been clear enough now that nothing's happening, so you give up on the games and just think of all the pointers he's given you on how to stand. You spread your feet just right, hold the club the way you're supposed to, you don't bother to bend down any further than you need to this time. You're about to take a swing as Tyson steps up behind you.

"What is it this time?" you frown.

"Uuuh, your- your feet are too far apart" he tries.

"No, they're not" you look down.

"Yeah, they're supposed to be like this" he puts his hand on your thigh to guide your foot closer to the other, barely moving it.

"Wow, Tyson, thank you" you say sarcastically, "I'm sure my shot's gonna be great now that my feet are half an inch closer together". You turn around to look at him, only to find him blushing like he's been caught in a lie. "Are you sure you didn't just want to feel me up?" you tease.

"Pfft, no".

"I'd be fine with that, you know – feel free to put your hand up my skirt".

"Babe" he groans.

"No, seriously, I'd love for you to feel how wet I am right now"

"Shh" He looks around, as if to check if anyone heard you, even though there's no one nearby. Turns out you've been reading him all wrong, he's been coming up with excuses to touch you all along. You turn back around, making sure to exaggerate your incorrect pose again. He shakes his head at himself, knowing it was only a matter of time before you got what you wanted. He can't help but laugh a little as he steps up behind you again. "There you go baby, that's it" you say as his hands are on you again. He breathes out as his forehead lands on your shoulder, his willpower finally crumbling.

"You're driving me crazy" he kisses your shoulder, his hands moving up to grip your hips, pressing himself against you to show you just how crazy you've driven him. You bite your lip, sinking into his body – "please, Tyson".

"Fuck, okay, let's go".

--

Tyson lifts you onto the countertop in the bathroom, he pushes your legs further apart before his hand pushes your skirt up to bunch around your waist. "Hold it there for me, babe" he waits for you to grab the fabric before he brings his fingers down, running them over your clit and down to your enrance. He kisses you to catch your moan in his mouth as he starts to tease you.

"This what you've been wanting?" he speaks against you mouth as his fingers circles your clit. You shake your head, "no".

"No?" he removes his fingers, making your grab his wrist to guide him back again.

"I mean, I want more".

"Oh, so you want this?" he pushes a finger into you making your toes curl. Your brain goes fussy, making you stutter as you answer him. "N-No, I want your cock".

"Yeah?" He removes his finger, slipping it into his mouth to clean it before he unbuckles his belt, and unzips his pants. Before he's pushed them down you pull his cock out, bringing him closer to you. He grips your thighs, sliding you to the egde of the counter as you guide his tip to where you need him. He pushes in slowly with a groan, swearing under his breath as you wrap your legs around him.

"'m really not gonna last long" he hides his face in your neck, you feel his breath against you as he grips your skirt tight, taking a moment to collect himself. "That's okay" you say, brushing your hand through his hair, scratching his scalp. He kisses your neck before leaning back to look at you.

His thumb finds your clit, shaking his head to say it's not okay – "gotta make you come first". His hips stay still as his free hand goes to push your top up. Taking the hint, you remove it for him along with your sports bra. His lips kiss your newly revealed skin, before he wraps his mouth around your nipple.

You can't help but move your hips as you feel yourself get closer, your head tilts back with a moan but Tyson wraps his hand behind your neck before your head hits the wall, pressing your forehead against his. "There she is" he murmurs, letting you fuck yourself on his cock.

His brows furrow, and he closes his eyes, "fuck- baby rub your clit for me, can you do that?" desperation drips from his words. You nod, moving your hand down to replace his. The second you do, both his hands grab your hips before he thrusts into you hard.

"Please tell me you're close" he begs you as he sets his pace.

"It's ok, baby" you say, meaning yeah I'm close, but I can tell you're closer.

"No- god, you feel too good" his fingers dig into your skin, trying to hold on to his control.

"Please".

He's a mess, shaking his head, stuck between not wanting to come before you and not being able to stop fucking you.

"I need you to come for me, Tyson".

"Fuuck-" his hips snap into yours, his control slipping away, you feel him pulsing inside you as he fills you up. His hips start to move slower, but he's still hitting deep inside you. You let yourself watch him, as you bring yourself to the edge. You feel yourself clench around him just as his hips stop, his eyes open just before yours close. He holds you close as your orgasm runs through your body, hiding his face in your neck, moaning from how sensitive he is.

You can't help but let out a giggle as you come down, your legs feeling like jelly as you unwrap them. His hands move down to squeeze you thighs as he breathes out a laugh himself. He goes to pull out

"Hey, careful" you warn him.

"Hmm?" he raises a brow in confusion.

"Don't get cum on my skirt" you clarify.

"So, you'll walk around with no panties under this skirt, but god forbid you get cum on it".

[just-j916]

The Guilt of a Gunshot

This is inspired by this post from @ideasarestuckinmyhead! : read here!

This is also my first fanfic that has been sitting in my drafts for about a month now—so enjoy!

Word count: 1467

The silence after the shot was eerie; so eerie that it almost hurt. Sugarboo slowly lowering their arm that held the gun as the adrenaline had started to wear off.

They felt like they could scream, cry, do something, anything to prove that they felt something after shooting Derek. But… no. They couldn’t. Not after what they did. They knew what they were getting themselves into. They… asked for this. They did this for their boys. Even though they might not forgive them for what they had done.

Before they walked to the door, Sugarboo looked at Derek’s lifeless body, emotionless. No remorse. No mercy. Just blank.

Upon opening the door, to their confusion, there seemed to be nobody in the bar anymore. 


‘Did everyone leave?’ They thought. They figured the gunshot was loud but they didn’t anticipate that everyone would scramble. They then thought back to what Alphonse said. The gun would be enough to scare rats shitless.

They looked around and noticed two bodies on the ground of the bar. One of them being the “guard” that they’d seen when they first walked in with Derek and the other was… familiar. The confusion turned into fear as they realized that the other body was Seth’s.

“Holy shit! Seth! Oh god, you—you’re bleeding!”

They carefully and somehow successfully managed to pick up Seth’s body, considering he was taller and bigger than they were. They carefully placed his head on their shoulder as they tried to gently shake Seth awake. They knew that this was their fault that he was like this. He must’ve come looking for them. And that thought alone was enough to make Sugarboo’s heart drop.

“Seth… please wake up. I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I didn’t mean for this to happen to you I just—!”

“Sugar…”

That sentence alone was enough to cause them to pause. They looked down at Seth’s face and noticed that he was conscious.

“Seth! Thank goodness you’re alright! I’m so sorry about everything I just—!”

“Shh… Sugar… it’s alright. I’m alright. I’m just… so tired.”

“Seth, please stay awake… just until I can find Alphonse so he can drive you to a hospital. Where is he? If you’re here then shouldn’t he be close by?”

“No, he’s at the train yard. We… split up to look for you.”

They figured that their boys would look for them. But it didn’t hurt any less hearing it aloud.

“I guess I’ll have to get there by foot. I can’t risk your injury getting worse but I can’t just leave you here—fuck! What do I do?”

Just as they finished their statement as they dredged out the bar with Seth in their arms, they noticed a similar van pull up.

“Is that… Charlie’s van?”

Sugarboo looked at Seth confused until the passenger window rolled down revealing Jessie.

“Ma, how did you get that hunk-a-junk to start?”

The question asked was quickly interrupted by Jessie.

“There’s no time for questions, hun. Just get in the van so we can get you boys to a hospital. I already picked up Alphonse from the train yard and he’s… well… roughed up.”

This caused Sugarboo to freeze up. Both of their boys had gotten hurt because of them? They devised this plan to try to help them but instead they… made everything… worse.

Jessie seemed to notice the expression on Sugarboo’s face and she was quick to cut them from their thoughts.

“Sugar, Alphonse is going to be okay. I promise. We just need to get both of them checked out to make sure nothing else serious is wrong.”

This was three hours ago. Three long, excruciating hours. They sat in the waiting room, embarrassed, ashamed, and just… empty. They had solved their problem but at what cost? The boys getting hurt? Them being tainted? It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. But they didn’t have any right to feel like that. They had to be the strong one. The one who kept everything together. The one who fixed everything.

They had managed to help Alphonse and Seth to make amends. They had managed to create countless goodies for people across their nowhere town. They had managed to keep everything together even when they felt like a third-wheel when the three were in the same house. Their house. Why did being strong hurt so bad?

They were pulled out of their thoughts when they heard footsteps walking towards them. They looked up to find Jessie, who gave them a slightly solemn look.

“You alright, Sugar?”

They could barely move. Whether it was from shock or just pure exhaustion, nodding their head seemed like an almost impossible task. Keyword: almost.

“I… I’m fine.”

Jessie sighed before taking a seat right next to them before putting a hand on their shoulder.

“Sugar if you need to cry, then cry. I promise I’m not going to judge you for doing so.”

With that sentence, everything about their facade seemed to fall as quickly as the tears fell down. They quietly sobbed as Jessie wrapped her arms around them.

“They’re going to be so… pissed at me.”

“No, Sugar, I promise you those boys aren’t going to be angry at you. They love you so much. They are in that room right now, waiting for you. Hell, when I went in there the first thing that Alphonse asked me was if you were alright. They are going to be thrilled to see you.”

Were they though? Would they accept the fact that they shot Derek? Would they still accept them if they had blood on their hands now?

After a few minutes, they seemed to have settled down, so Jessie escorted them to the room the boys were staying in. They looked at the door, scared. They took a deep breath before knocking on the door. They heard a familiar voice, which seemed to be Alphonse’s, telling them to come in.

Once they opened up the door, they slowly slipped into the room, their eyes quickly darting to the ground. Too afraid to look either of them in the eyes.

“Boo! Hey! There you are!”

“Hey, Sugar…”

Both of the boys quickly could tell something was up as they both glanced at each other from their separate beds before turning back to Sugarboo.

“Boo, are you alright? You aren’t hurt are you? Come here.”

Sugarboo walked over towards Alphonse’s hospital bed before taking a seat in front of Alphonse. He scanned them for injuries and didn’t see anything visible. While the injuries weren’t visible to him, he could tell that they had been crying, so they were obviously upset. He cupped their cheek with his hand and slowly turned their head to look at him.

“Boo, I can tell you’ve been crying. What’s the matter? Derek didn’t hurt you, did he?”Alphonse managed to breathe out.

They shook their head before they started to weep. The tears fell down their face once again. What happened to keeping it together in front of them? They don’t know.

Alphonse quickly wrapped them in a tight hug with one of his hands on the back of their head, slowly brushing his hand through their hair, trying to comfort them.

“I’m so sorry… the both of you got hurt because of me. I wanted to help and I just—!”

“Boo… shhh… it’s okay…”

“No it’s not! I fucked up and you both should be upset with me right now…”

“Hey… Boo, look at me…”

Reluctantly, they turned their head upwards towards Alphonse.

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. While what you did scared me a bit, I’m not mad at you…”

“Well, you should be…”

“Boo, what you did took guts. I wouldn’t ever be mad at you for doing what you did. Although, I would appreciate a heads up next time…” Alphonse admitted, smiling softly at Sugarboo.

Seth watched the two fondly as he sat up in his hospital bed. Seth laughed before following up with, “Yeah, I would prefer if there wasn’t a next time. Ever.”

Sugarboo turned away from Seth, chuckling at his words before looking back at Alphonse. They looked at the bruises and marks on him as the guilt began to wash over them once more.

“Boo, hey… I’m alright. It’s nothing that I haven’t dealt with before,” Alphonse admitted with a slight smile on his face.

Tears welled up in Sugarboo’s eyes as they tried so hard to hold it together. Seeing him like that hurt. They knew that this was their doing.

Almost immediately and instantaneously, both boys are by their side, comforting them. Even if they didn’t know if they deserved such kindness after what they did, they chose to bask in the warmth provided by their boys. Just for a little while longer.

[alyxmakesthings]

'Writer Problems'

So this is totally not a problem I have…👀 Anyway, have a short and sweet thing I worked on in between writing for my main fic. [Also, I forgot that Mother Mother's new album came out today, so that has been occupying my time.😅]

Summary: Reader is a fantasy writer and is having an issue describing a character in their book due to never having thought about what they looked like. Thankfully, they have a very attentive partner who just so happens to be an artist.🧡

Tags: Aged up characters, Established relationship, GN Reader, Comfort, Mildly suggestive, Reader is a writer and has writer problems, Cute nickname that revolve around Victorian flower language

Check the masterpost.

You felt as if you were beating your head against the wall.

As you sat at your desk in your apartment staring at your computer screen, wanting the void to swallow you whole, a thought crossed your mind.

‘I can’t do it.’

You were ¾ of the way done with the first draft of your manuscript and you still had pages littered with notes to describe your most important side character. 

You felt the Damocles hanging over you. 

You had tried to find good references but nothing seemed to really fit, leaving you at a loss for a solid design. With the manuscripts ending getting closer you worried that it would leave you stuck at the end with only the character’s looks left to figure out.

The anxiety over that had kept you from getting more than a few lines down at a time before you’d stop. Half the time you were going back to erase when you just put down. 

Even writing here in your apartment instead of the Lair wasn’t helping. The feelings had started to breach the surface as you let out an undignified noise.

Your groans of frustration must have reached Mikey where he was laying on your bed. The sound of your boyfriend's approaching footsteps meant that when his hands found your shoulders you didn’t jump. 

“Anything I can do to help,” you laugh a little. The love language test you had both taken listed, ‘Acts of Service’ high on his list. It had been 100% correct of course and it had become an inside joke between the two of you.

You lean into his touch, “I’m lamenting the day I choose writing as a career path.” The sigh you let out is heavy and you look up to meet his eye. Head thumping lightly against his plastron cushioned by orange fabric. “I just can’t get this character’s look down,” you can’t stop as another sigh leaves you. 

“I can tell you their entire story front to back and what they would have for breakfast even but every time I try to see their face.” Your hands move around as much as they can, emphasizing your words, “Poof! Nothing!” Mikey’s brow pulled showing his concern. A sight soon lost as your hands found your face rubbing the frustration, tears, out of your eyes.

“Which character is it?” Taking your hands down you’re able to see the care in his face, it warms your chest as you sniffle just a bit. 

“The new character,” he seems to think for a moment.

“The one from the Hulta family?” You stare up at him. 

“Yeah I just can’t pin down a design and-”

“Sorry,” the interruption takes you off guard but him stepping away has you turning in your chair to follow him with your eyes. 

Going to the shelf he had claimed for his sketchbooks he pulls one seemingly at random before rifling through the pages. 

The dawning realization of what he was most likely looking for had your heart squeezing in your chest. 

“What about this?” He hands you the thing and as your eyes scan the page you fear your heart will explode with how it swells.

You’ll never know how you could possibly forget how much you’re cared for. The fact that he listens to your insane late night writing ramblings will never stop making you feel like combusting.

It’s perfect.

The hair, the eyes, even down to the jaw line. 

Everything fits.

Your eyes are pulled from the beautiful pencil sketch to the color on the side of the page. 

“Oh I was just playing around with those.”

“It’s all perfect.” Sitting the thing down to avoid getting your happy tears on the gift you had been given. You instead choose to bury your face into Mikey’s neck allowing it and the fabric of his hoodie to catch them. “You’re an angel Angelo.”

“Glad you like it my Dahlia.” Not being one who lets something be, you pull back keeping your arms around his shoulders before making a face.

“Isn’t that like, from a murder thing?” The realization of his pick must have finally caught up to him but he barely misses a beat.

“Well in the flower book it means ‘eternal love’ and ‘commitment’ so I’m going with that instead.” His hands that had been on your hips moved to rub circles on your back. 

Your rather tense back. 

“Then by all means,” you hum your contentment. “That one can pop up again.” You lean back now only to press yourself into his palms, allowing him to work the muscles. 

A contented sigh escaped you that was a far cry from the noises of frustration from earlier. 

You feel Mikey nuzzle his beak into your shoulder now before he travels up to your ear, “Maybe you should take a break.” 

The shiver you feel isn’t from any chill and you can’t help but follow as his tridactyle hand grasps yours, taking you to the bed. 

He pulls you forward before turning you to lay your back softly on the plush comforter. 

His eyes feel like they’re setting you on fire, “And I know the perfect thing for you.” 

The smirk on his face sends a new warmth through you, further south than previous.

“I’m all yours.”

This is like the first time I’ve written something without using a song as the base, it was weird, but super fun!

[natt-writes]

~5 Writing tips that actually help~

(These tips are meant for fiction books, especially fantasy. so if you’re writing nonfiction a decent amount of these won’t apply to you. Sorry!)

Find your writing voice.

one of the biggest issues I find in things written by beginners is a lack of emotional connection with the narration. Sure the story can be great, but without personality, without looks into the characters minds, without little quips here and there, it really isn’t all that interesting. Something that really helped me to realize this was a book called the tragical tale of birdie bloom. It’s a kids book but it honestly has such a good narrator (and storyline tbh) that you can look past the little kiddy-ness. I recommend you check the book out if you’re looking for some inspiration. I will be making a post about how to develop your writing and character voices soon so if you want some extra help with that, stay tuned!

2. Get to know your characters.

I know that you all probably already know this, but characters are one of, if not the most important part of a book. Readers don’t want to read about a flat, boring character who just feels like a vessel for the horrifying amount of trauma you add to your story. They want to read about people that feel real, people with flaws and feelings and hobbies and backstories. When I wanted to develop my characters I started going through the drafts, the plot outlines, everything and seeing what the characters did, said, felt. Then I took their basic backstory and started lining things up. Like if a character decided to get into a fight with another character, I would see what had happened to them that might have caused this. Maybe they had been abused as a child and thought that any disagreement meant they had to fight for their life. Maybe this person reminded them of a former enemy. After you start to figure out what connects the characters to the big plot points, you can then start to develop subtle things. You could start writing something, realize this situation would have triggered a character, and then drop subtle hints towards them feeling uncomfortable. Go nuts with it, after all you can never over-analyze a character.

3. Describe things uniquely.

Descriptions are what help us to understand what’s going on in a scene. They can tell us about the tasty drink a character is enjoying, the slick dress that someone is wearing or the way a characters muscles tense when a certain someone enters the room. But sometimes descriptions a fall a bit flat and that can ruin the experience for the reader. Something I always try to remember is to try and come up with new words describe something, for example; “her eyes were a beautiful shade of brown.” Is a very basic and over used description, instead you could try; “her eyes sparkled as she sat across from me, gleaming a rich chocolate shade as the light from the candles reflected off of them”. This is a much stronger sentence as it gives both environment hits and a description of the eyes, all while staying away from overused terms. I often see this theme in stories written by beginners, things being described in a very straight forward manner. And of course this is ok once in a while, especially if this isn’t a very important topic, but it still sounds better when you branch away from that basic sentence structure. I always like to use descriptive sentences to push things forward. Here is another example; “she was wearing a fluffy green dress with lots of lace. She walked over to the door and opened it.” Vs “the lacy trim of her green dress dragged on the floor as she walked towards the door. She smiled wide as she held it open, inviting her guests into the building.” Making strong sentences is very important, so please toy around with different words, structures, etc, until the sentence fits the type of book you’re trying to write.

4. Make trauma realistic.

Yes, even if you’re writing a fantasy book, characters experiences have to be realistic. Something that always gets on my nerves is when writers come up with a good idea for some trauma, so they just give to a character, even when it doesn’t suit them at all. if you are going to give a character trauma you need to explain it, set it up so it actually fits into their character arc, then have the character actually be affected by it. They can’t just randomly be like “I got shot by a dude.” And that’s it if there is no way that character could have gotten shot given their life experiences. Also if you want a character to be relatively unaffected after an extremely traumatic event you have to plan it out so that they have a specific and consistent trauma response that makes them not react shortly after an event like that. Characters are supposed to be like people, and no two people react to trauma the same way, so you do have some leeway if necessary, but people also don’t just stay the same after something horrible happens, they are affected by it and that has to be accurately portrayed. This does get easier the more you get to know the characters though, as soon you will know how they react to things and how to plan trauma that suits them.

5. Make a plot outline.

I cannot stress this enough, make a plot outline. Making a plot outline literally saved my book, and they are really easy to make! I recommend you download a spreadsheet app like XL spreadsheets or Apple numbers but you could even use google docs if you want. You want to put in all the chapters and then give each chapter at least six spots to write scenes. Add a spot for adding the main event of the chapter/a summery of what you have to write. This will help you to understand what you have to write for that chapter and how it fits into the next chapter. After that you start to fill all the scene boxes in with your plot information. Having a plot outline is great as it can be super vague and messy, but still hold all your ideas. It also helps to prevent unnecessary rewrites later, as you can just edit the plot outline before you start writing the first draft. You can even make a plot outline after you’ve started writing your book. That’s what I did and I promise, it still is very helpful. (Example of a plot outline below.)

[nestypewriter]

Change of Obsession

[Content Warning: mention of physically harm, obsessive tendency]

[Disclaimer: I want to emphasize that I do not endorse or support this type of behavior. This content is purely for entertainment purposes.]

{Author's note: So I don't know what happened but I already post this but I can't find it anywhere , I tried look though my draft but it wasn't there , maybe it's an error or my app is bugging out, please let me know if there's a double, but anyways thank you you again 🐇 anon for requesting! I hope you like it 🩷💜}

He was indeed in love with the loveliest girl in the whole town and dared to say that it was love at first sight! He couldn't get enough of her figure, whether she was walking about the park or just standing there with her most radiant form. But then, he saw you, a nobody, hanging out with his beloved, such an annoyance. But whatever, once he and his beloved became an item, you would be thrown to the side, forgotten like a black sheep.

But maybe he could get rid of you now, and then maybe his beloved would run to him for comfort, and then they could have their happily ever after! Yes! Yes! He should do that! He's such a genius! Now he should start planning to wipe out a pest.

Every day, he stalked you through the shadows, always watching you day by day and night after night. As weeks and months passed, he soon realized how much of a darling you were and how much you had in common! Coincidence? He thinks not! But little did he know that the more he got to know you, the more he lost his feelings for his current 'beloved'. But, oh well, let fate do its thing.

He could no longer watch you through the shadows; he had talked to you! And felt your radiant presence! He couldn't get enough of your voice and cute little quirks! Just simply adorable!

He should confess his love for you! Never once in his life was he certain of his feelings! Huh? .. What do you mean, 'no'? You were grateful for his bold confession and that you weren't looking for someone right now. But.. honey! He's different! He could change with anything you want! Please! Just love him!

Why are you saying you're sorry and walking away? No, no, no, NO! He can't accept this! YOU WILL LOVE HIM, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! Even if he has to take extreme measures like knocking you out with a baseball bat. Looking at your knocked form, he couldn't help but laugh at the situation. Look at what you have done! Making him do this! But, no matter, it was for the greater good!

Now you and he can both get your happy ever after! Together! Forever!

[wowowobsessed]

Dearest Divination

A Severus Snape x Male Professor! Reader :))

I don’t see a lot of Snape x male readers so I decided to make one myself, hope you enjoy!! This is my first story in a few years!! :))

✧ ~ Chapter 1 ~ ✧

You were always great at divination, and it wasn’t considered scamming muggles if it was actually true.

But here you were, getting a letter from the ministry of magic that your practice in London needed to be shut down. “Bloody gits” you muttered to yourself. In what world was your practice an issue? It’s not as if you were revealing anything about the wizarding world. And it’s also not as if any of your clients had enough common sense to realize you were a wizard.

Packing up every decoration was definitely going to be a hassle, but luckily, magic was a thing. You would of course, be sad to let go of your practice, and miss your usual customers. But you’d left them in good spirits with great advice, hopefully.

As your chose to apparate to your flat, your owl sat pecking at the window to your room. You hurriedly put down your bag and rushed to the window. Your owl pushed in angrily, having been waiting for Godric knows how long. “I’m sorry Odin, I was busy packing my things up.” He looked at you as if asking you to explain. Considering the fact that he understood you when you told him who to deliver a letter to, you felt that on some level maybe he understood everything else you would say too.

“The ministry shut me down. I had a feeling that this would happen for a while.” He looked at you apologetically. Only then did you realize that he had had a letter in his beak since you’d let him in. You took it with a thanks and opened it. It was stamped with a Hogwarts seal.

“Dear Mr. y/n l/n,

I’ve received news of your recent unemployment, and would like to offer you a position on my staff.

Unfortunately, Professor Trewlawney has had an accident with a poorly brewed memory potion and is unable to return to Hogwarts as the Professor of Divination.

Therefore, I would like to invite you back to Hogwarts as a replacement for her. Below you will find a drafted contract of what you can expect to sign if you do wish to accept this position.

Best wishes,

Albus Dumbledore”

Great, just great, did the entire wizarding world know of your shutdown? Considering the fact of how much everyone loves to gossip to the point where the daily prophet is nothing but that, you can guess that the fact that you were “a muggle scammer” was one of the headlines this morning.

Rubbing your temples due to your ever growing headache, you chose to leave the letter on your desk and just deal with it tomorrow.

[getouyuri]

Hi!! Sorry, this is long because I’m going to YAP- so be prepared!

The LORE your yakuza au has makes me so happy, you don’t know!!! Thank you for giving a timeline because it makes it so much easier to understand the time frame.

My jaw dropped when I saw that Kenjaku killed Kaori! He may have done it in cannon but this surprised me. And him being twins with Geto makes the fall out between them ten times more angsty!! The Geto fic is going to be soooo good, I can feel it now. Also we adopt the twins, I will cry 🥹

Gojo not wanting to wait to propose to Secretary!reader is so funny to me. He wanted to lock that DOWN. The early tension between him and Secretary!reader is going to be amazing.

Stripper!reader being a Zenin came out of left field but I like the idea of it. More people to watch as the Zenin clan burns to the ground. I can see Toji, Stripper!reader, Maki and Megumi sharing a bag of popcorn watching it crash and burn.

I actually love the Toji storyline btw, I am not a Toji fan but I will enjoy this Toji fic. I am a bit of a sucker for the hidden baby trope 🤭

On to my questions,

1. Are Yuji and Sukuna related in this au? I didn’t know if they were or not.

2. Will the Shibuya incident in this au be more like the one in the show or the actual one that happened in 1946?

3. Where does Yuta fit into the story? I may have missed when I was reading the time line and if so I am sorry!

4. Are we going to see some of the childhood shenanigans Geto, Gojo and Shoko got up to before they were pulled into the Yakuza?

Anyway! That was a lot, sorry for yapping so much but I didn’t want to put this long thing in the comments lol

I THOUGHT I HIT POST ON THIS AFTER FINISHING DRAFTING THIS ANSWER? HELLO? okay everything below is what I answered in reply to you like 2 weeks ago 😭😭

HAIIII BLUEEEEE 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽 so happy ur asking about the yakuza au and that the timeline helps with some things raaahhh and I love that we can yap together about this mhm mhm 🙂‍↕️ ur giving me so much to talk about and I love it!! here’s the timeline for anyone curious as to what we’re referring to

having kenjaku kill kaori felt like a necessary evil cos of canon rip 💔 but it just fits in with the story really well and it’s not only his turning point but also oyabun geto’s point of realization where he’s like ‘oh. he’s beyond repair’ and finds out about the other stuff kenjaku’s done too ☹️😓 i imagine kaori was very sweet and highly intelligent so kenjaku was like 1. I can’t have any ‘weaknesses’ still attached to me and 2. she was too ambitious and clashed with his ideals as well. he is sickkkjwhrkdjw like fr my god… and just imagine how geto feels about that as well (devastated)

i’m SAUR excited to write the geto fic cos of the whole dynamic between him and kenjaku plussss for his progression w/ angels!reader 😁🚬 I actually just recently split some stuff apart and decided to add in a prologue SO u will be getting the first part sooner than i expected to post it 🧌… and them adopting nanamimi makes me sniffleeee neither geto nor angels!reader could just leave them there (i say as i’m still deciding between options as to where they found them…). also the irony of geto raising two twins when he and kenjaku are some fucked up ass twins is soooooohkgjsbfjd

OYABUN GOJO FR COULD NOT HOLD HIMSELF BACK WITH THAT PROPOSAL garuda’s angels assassin toji too 💀💀 but omfg gojo JUMPED to marry secretary!reader. just buying a ring had him mentally blowing a fuse 😭 I feel like any version of gojo, yakuza au or otherwise, is the type to marry fast when he knows that he’s truly found The One person for him.

and then in toji’s case his circumstances are a little special just cos he and goth!reader go wayyy back, they have megumi, toji having always liked goth!reader and vice versa… etc etc.! I won’t be writing a full longfic w/ multiple chapters for toji but I definitely wanna write different stages of his relationship with goth!reader 😁🙂‍↕️ pre-relationship when they’re fwb and after getting together

ALSO I SHOULD CLARIFY stripper!reader isn’t actually a zenin!! her family is really close with the zenin clan who runs the zenin-gumi. so whatever other organized crime group she may have come from is allied with the zenin-gumi ^_^ stripper!reader hates the zenin saurrrr bad though… understandably so. she and the other zenin haters could start a club

andddd here’s my answers to ur questions :3

1. nopeeee yuuji and sukuna aren’t related. I DIDDD consider adding that in but I thought about that insane ass family tree and I backed out of that ideaaaahrjdjqhhtkwje plus it just makes things more complicated story-wise yk?? cos then I’d have to figure out How they’re related, how that works out with kenjaku, i’d have to decide what to do with jin since he’s sukuna’s (deceased) twin but jin isn’t related to yuuji as his father, etc…

so they’re not related but, for humor reasons, they’ve definitely run into each other in passing at like. a store or something and yuuji and sukuna were both like ‘damn… that guy kinda looks like me. well anyways!’

2. it’s funny that u bring this up cos I was doing research on this not that long ago AND I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE THE ACTUAL SHIBUYA INCIDENT 1946 WAS A YAKUZA WAR??? when I found out I was like ?4&274&3 okay so this was meant to be ig… that’s when I decided that I did in fact want to semi include it

sooo the shibuya incident in the yakuza jjk au is a mix of the actual real life incident And the one that occurs in jjk (mostly the jjk one though). the similarities being Very Public fights between rival gangs (minus taiwan’s involvement ofc) and the injuries that the jjk characters got during that incident (maki’s burns, nanami’s burns and fucked up eye, etc.). and kenjaku’s goal was still to fuck up gojo; not trap but kill and/or severely injure by using sukuna. that plan failed obviously

3. yuuta my nephew 🥺🩵 no u didn’t miss anything!! admittedly I haven’t mentioned much about yuuta being next-in-line as the oyabun for the gojo-gumi on this blog 😭😭 so I’ll get into the Basics of that rn :3

he’s still gojo’s cousin in the yakuza jjk au. oyabun gojo basically swore that he’d never have a future partner (this was wayyy before secretary!reader) which meant no future heir & next-in-line. ofc the obvious option is having nanami go from wakagashira -> the next oyabun— but the gojo clan wanted to continue to consolidate power and keep a gojo in the oyabun position. which is where yuuta comes in

you can basically think of yuuta as the ‘second’ wakagashira alongside nanami, but yuuta isn’t the official wakagashira. he spends a lot of time handling business for oyabun gojo (arms deals, international trade & smuggling, making sure the gojo-gumi’s businesses that they control stay in line and pay up, etc), settling disputes, or shadowing gojo to further learn from him hands-on.

yuuta lives at the gojo estate with oyabun gojo, secretary!reader, some of the gojo clan elders, and trainees (i did some research on this and sometimes lower-ranked trainees would live in their oyabun’s house or the syndicate’s actual office headquarters for a couple of months-long training period… whiiiich is why oyabun gojo & secretary!reader split their time between the gojo estate and their own separate penthouse + sometimes their vacation homes 💀💀 they need space. Real bad)

4. YES I’M ABSOLUTELY INCLUDING CHILDHOOD SCENES WITH OYABUN GOJO OYABUN GETO AND INFORMANT SHOKO 👹👹👹👹 I have to I absolutely have to. their childhood days are smth I’ve been wanting to include more in writing… like flashbacks or just full-on little drabbles/oneshots from when they were kids

I especiallyyyy wanna include stuff from their high school days cos of everything that happens with riko & haibara o(-( and i wanna write stuff about teens oyabun gojo & secretary!reader going to hs together and being acquaintances/borderline friends

thank u for giving me the opportunity to yap right back at uuuuu I enjoyed answering these questions sm 🩵🩵

[sillydestiny]

Hi, I love how you write and I've seen that you've done Cale, Alberu x reader. I would like you to do one with Choi Han x f!reader, where I would like to see how he falls in love (that Choi Han contains the essence of how he is). I don't know if it's something hard to write but I'll leave it up to you. Keep healthy and happy new year ✨🥰.

Sorry if there are grammatical errors, my English is not good.♥️

@monblue0 sorry for the late upload this draft has been seating for too long since lack of motivation and writer block.. I just recently finished it so I hope you like it ꒰⁠⑅⁠ᵕ⁠༚⁠ᵕ⁠꒱⁠˖⁠♡

CHOI HAN X READER

Choi Han is initially reserved and guarded, carrying the weight of his past experiences and the responsibilities he holds dear

At first, Choi Han didn't pay much attention to the reader. They were just another member of the Count's household, someone he interacted with casually during his duties

It started with small things - the way you smiled when you thought no one was looking, the sound of your laughter echoing through the halls of the Count's estate. Choi Han found himself drawn to you, inexplicably drawn to your presence like a moth to a flame.

The way your eyes light up when you talk about your passions and the genuine kindness in your smile. These qualities make him feel a warmth he hasn't experienced before.

At first, he brushes these observations aside, attributing them to mere friendship or camaraderie.

But as time goes on, Choi Han finds himself drawn to the reader in ways he can't explain. He notices his heart racing whenever they're near, his thoughts consumed by thoughts of them even when they're apart. He tries to rationalize these feelings, convincing himself that it's nothing more than admiration or respect.

He tried to ignore it, burying himself in his work and his training, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the feeling growing inside him. It was like a wildfire, consuming him from the inside out.

It was a simple gesture that finally made him realize the truth - the way you reached out to him, offering a comforting hand on his shoulder after a particularly difficult battle. In that moment, Choi Han felt something shift inside him, a warmth spreading through his chest that he couldn't ignore.

He began to see you in a different light And with each passing day, he found himself falling deeper and deeper in love with you.

But Choi Han was not one to wear his heart on his sleeve. He kept his feelings hidden, afraid of what might happen if he let them out. He didn't want to burden you with his emotions, didn't want to risk losing the fragile bond they had formed.

Yet, despite his best efforts to keep his distance, he couldn't stay away. He found himself seeking out your company, cherishing every moment they spent together, no matter how fleeting.

And then, one day, he found the courage to tell you how he felt. It was a simple confession, spoken in a quiet moment when they were alone together. He didn't expect anything in return, didn't dare to hope that you might feel the same way.

But when you smiled and reached out to take his hand in yours, he knew that his love had been reciprocated. And in that moment, Choi Han realized that he had finally found someone worth fighting for, someone worth risking everything for. And he vowed to cherish you, protect you, for as long as he lived.

Choi Han was certainly the one who fell the hardest, his heart forever intertwined with theirs.

[never-not-ever]

Summer Goals

get tan

start the IOP

get a job

save up for the EMT course

start running

start dating

So I dare say more of each one? Do I even need to? Why do I feel compelled? It's kind of a different circumstance but I feel like it relates to this need to always over explain myself?

We're doing it. Oh well.

So the first one is silly but I guess I just want to enjoy summer, be outside, do sunny activities, get tan. Not that I need to be tan to enjoy summer but I feel like it'll help boost my confidence. I've already heard it enough from my friend in NC so please don't come at me with how dangerous it is but I think I'm going to sign up for a membership at a tanning salon in the next week or so.

Goal #2 is completely out of my control. It's up to the program director and medical director. Granted if I do get accepted it is in my control my being allowed to stay in the program i.e. refraining from behaviors and abstaining from alcohol. As worried as I am about messing up I'm also hopeful that this program will be helpful. My friend texted me today "(program) has really changed me in such a good way".

So the job piece. I need to start making money. I'm on disability and I'm grateful for that but during the month I end up borrowing money from my Nana and then it's like my check never lasts. For a very brief period I felt so much guilt for being on and getting disability money but then I realized I worked so much especially in the years before I stopped working and I paid taxes and put money into it so I was entitled to it when I stopped working and was hospitalized.

Transitioning back into a part time job is going to be so stressful and I'm hoping to be in the IOP program at the time to have that support in case things go south. I've said this so much before but I'm actually going to do it this time. While I wait for the program to start I'm going to start doing Instacart. I found my payment card in my nightstand and redownloaded the app tonight. I think because I'm feeling a bit better mentally I'm more inclined to deal with the short term stress that comes with shopping and delivering (fear of messing something up, not find a spot to park, etc). I need to reach out to the florist manager asap before she reaches out to me in anger. I need to explain the situation and apologize for taking so long.

The next goal can only happen if I get a job/start doing Instacart. I have 5 months to save up $950 which is totally doable, comes down to like $50ish a week. I'm hoping to have like 75% saved up by the end of the summer. I may have to do more than $50 a week. But I need to start Instacart!!!

Maybe I should redownload the Couch to 5k app (which I just did as I went to search what it was called lol). Not much to say about this goal. Just want to start and I've heard good things about the app.

Lastly, I had a whole thing typed up and I'm pretty sure it's sitting in my drafts on here, about wanting to start dating but also thinking I should just wait until I start the program and/or start working cause like how do I answer/explain what I do with my life right now. What do you do for work? Uh... I don't work. I used to be so proud to say "I'm a mental health counselor" and now I feel like such a pathetic fuck because it's been 21 fucking months since I last worked. It's been almost 11 months since I've been out of the hospital (not counting the tiny 2 week stint in November) but like what????

Okay the birds are starting to chirp I should get to bed.

[aaronstveit]

i would loooove to hear more of your director's commentary about deep end! <3 not sure how much you can say without spoiling but did you make a lot of changes from the original draft? and are there any scene that didn't make it into the final fic? thank youuu <3

omg hi anon this question made my entire day <3333 gonna answer beneath a read more as always because when talking about deep end i am this trc meme

okay so firstly! i wrote deep end 3 times. the original draft had a final wordcount of 126,978 words. the middle draft had a final wordcount of 175,065 words. the final draft's wordcount is not finalized yet because i am still editing & still adding one scene to the epilogue, but obviously we've already surpassed the first draft's wordcount, so that's fun.

as you can see, about 50k words were added in the middle draft! there are a lot of reasons for this. chapters 8 & 9, as well as about half of chapter 10, did not exist in the original draft. i added them during rewriting because i felt we hadn't spent enough time with enjolras & cosette.

combeferre and éponine were almost nonexistent in the original draft. not just as a couple, but individually as well. every single grantaire & éponine scene was added in the middle draft, and most of enjolras & combeferre's scenes as well.

i actually didn't cut any full scenes out! there were quite a few though where i started writing a scene, realized it was wrong, and erased what i had written and started over. for instance, this bit in chapter 18:

in the original draft, i tried writing enjolras turning to grantaire at this point and saying, "I think I'm in love with you," before cosette answered the door. obviously, i ended up deciding against this, mostly because i decided the kiss scene would pack more of a punch if enjolras realizes he's in love with grantaire right when he's in the middle of their argument.

i also deleted soooooooooo many arguments. this is probably surprising considering how often they argue in this fic, but at least once a chapter i really had to stop myself and say, okay no this is getting unhealthy. i enjoy writing arguments too much apparently - which is good for writing exr, but only to a certain extent.

originally, grantaire was not going to have a sister. it genuinely did not even occur to me until chapter 11 (which was chapter 8 at the time), but once it did occur to me, i couldn't not do it. his grief plotline became way too dear to me way too quickly.

the biggest changes i made during writing all had to do with reordering events!! originally, karaoke happened somewhere around chapter 8. i ended up moving it wayyyyyyyyy back because i felt like their flirting was out of place so early in the story.

i also moved enjolras' arguments with cosette and grantaire to an earlier point than i originally intended. at first, i thought they were going to happen around the second-to-last chapter, but i moved them forward a lot earlier because i thought more work needed to be done with enjolras.

the chapter that underwent the most changes from the middle draft to the finished draft is chapter 24. obviously i can't say just yet what those changes are, but i'm really really happy with how that chapter turned out and i hope you all will be as well <3

several of my personal favorite scenes in this fic are actually cannibalized from something i tried writing and gave up on a few months ago. marius getting mugged in chapter 4, the hamlet conversation in chapter 7, and enjolras tending to grantaire's broken nose in chapter 14 were all taken from the same abandoned wip.

as for some more random tidbits that i find fun:

a fun fact for everyone is that cosette did not pull the phrase "who has a flag where he should have a heart" out of thin air! she takes this from courfeyrac in chapter 13:

which is why courfeyrac winces when enjolras says it in chapter 19:

also in chapter 19, enjolras means to say that Train to Busan is his favorite horror movie ending. i didn't just choose that because i love that movie (although i really really do) but because. well. i'm not going to spoil the ending for you if you haven't seen it, but... it was very deliberate is all i'm saying.

i really cannot overstate how much of this fic only exists because of cossette notebookmusical. for starters, i only even attempted writing it because she said "jamie if you don't write this." she also got to spend months listening to me bitch about it and receiving so many horrible snippets from the original draft so coco, if you're reading this, thank you from the very bottom of my heart 🫶🏻

more specifically, the entire beginning sequence of chapter 17 with grantaire staying the night at enjolras' apartment was inspired by cossette! i was asking her for situations to put the blond man in and one of her ideas was that he loses his keys. so everyone say thank you cossette!

also the bit in chapter 19 where enjolras thinks about combeferre a psychology minor is the worst thing to ever happen to you was added after i said something to cossette and she said something along the lines of, "would you like to elaborate on that?"

the ending bit of chapter 23 is also inspired by and written for cossette. you'll see what i mean in a few weeks.

there are a lot more bits and pieces inspired by things that cossette has said and done, or added just to make her laugh, but if i listed all of them i would be here forever. just know that this entire fic is cocoservice and it is only because of cossette that it exists at all <333333

there is also a collection of scenes i'm considering writing as "bonus content" for when the fic is fully posted - mostly scenes that already exist, but from another point of view, and a few that are only mentioned in passing.

okay i'm cutting myself off now because this is a lot of yapping even for me but you may always ask more if you're so inclined <3333 thank you sm for asking i had so much fun answering this! i really can't tell you how much it means to me not only that you're not only reading but also enjoying it so much that you're asking about it like... this is literally a fic writer's DREAM. thank you so so so much <3333

[mortal-kombat-1]

what is your opinion on johnny cage's character?

Oh boy, this took me a good bit to think on and type out, lmao. Like, would have it all ready to post then think of something else to add. Thank you draft option 🙏

Overall, I think he's more complex than a lot of folks make him out to be. Yeah, its really easy to just think he's the comedic relief only when the game(s) kinda lead you to believe that. You can't really judge him based on one timeline since the plots/stories keep changing with each game (even if you add in the comics and movies). There's no connecting the dots when it comes to MK lore, lol. You gotta be fairly new to the franchise to think otherwise if I'm being very honest.

But given this blog is primarily MK1 Johnny, that's the timeline/version I'll jot my thoughts out for.

He's obviously not a parent in this timeline unlike 10 and 11, so we can scratch even mentioning that. But, he's once again married, not to Sonya but to Cris. Even so, his ego, money spending and his need to be the prime center of attention gets the better of him causing things to sour in his marriage. Of course ending in divorce. I won't stick up for him, he has his flaws, Cris was definitely in the right to divorce 'em. She deserved to be treated better. I'm not saying the man didn't care for her, it was pretty damn obvious that he did. He's very protective and regrets how he's done her -- he made that clear in a couple of intro's. I really felt like he got into the movie business not only because it was something he always wanted to do, but to make a better life for the both of them at some point, but I think he kinda let it all get to his head and let slip away the reason he was initially doing it all for. So in short: He's gotta take responsibility for his own actions. Nobody else is to blame but himself. But even with that being said, he struggled, obviously an alcoholic -- he's mentioned recovery to Ashrah in one of their intro's; though I'm really convinced he started drinking to forget about certain details of his past... and maybe stress because Hollywood. We don't really get enough information on his childhood other than whats mentioned in intro's with other characters. And even then, they never really seem good nor happy. So I like to think his need to be a people pleaser really stems from his parents. That is in no way me trying to make an excuse for his character, though. The man isn't a child/teen, and I've seen people on here and elsewhere, thinking he's in his 20's or early 30's. And after going through some of the files in the game, a lot of the things he's won or collected were from the 90's -- awards being more specific. So I tend to say he's in his early 40's at the youngest. Also, he's mentioned getting someone younger to take on his role so yeah.

I like how even though others might find his tactics and odd sense of humor (which happens 99% at the wrong time) annoying, they still want him there. And he knows that, the damn smirking gives it away. Does he mature in any way in this timeline -- eventually, but I wouldn't say he's changed completely or he wouldn't be Johnny Cage. I'd say he finally realized there's more to life than money and fame when you got the right people surrounding you, and he gets that by the time the game ends.

Also, that damn boopable nose... they ever change that I'm gonna riot.

I could keep going on about this idiot, but I gotta stop there or I will never shut up sdfghjkl;. It's one of those "I see so much of myself in this character and I'm gonna glue myself to them" type of thing.

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

First meditation with Khaos, the vast void of space

Quick warnings: this is a pretty long post, but I'm using it as a way to record everything I remember happening during this meditation so it has things other than just what happened with Khaos! This is also actually originally written weeks ago, I just left it in my drafts for ages whoops.

Another note: I won't be using only she/her pronouns for Khaos in the future, although I don't think they give a singular fuck either way, I just am tired today and wanted to get this posted without having to edit it.

UPG disclaimer. Even the title is UPG, my personal associations with Khaos.

So, I had things to do and decided I wanted to have a proper chat with Loki about it. I started up my meditation music, grabbed whatever crystals felt right, and laid down.

One of the first things they did was hug me. I am someone who has issues with receiving love, and this caught me entirely off guard. Of course I go "wtf bitch you can't do that???" And he basically told me something along the lines of "fuck you I do what I want." (Note: Loki is deeply salty that I cannot remember their actual wording, as it did not have the boundary breaking "I hug you if I want no matter your thoughts on it" implications this wording does. Loki is big on boundaries being respected with me. I feel the need to write that down.)

But we chatted about a spell I was planning, and Loki- who promptly draped himself across a couple logs all dramatically- was very enthusiastic about helping. We went back and forth, I also brought up Apollo to say hello, and then I felt... someone on the edge of things. Apollo was pretty abruptly gone, which makes sense for reasons I'll explain in a moment.

Loki stepped beside me, and sort of had their arm over my shoulders in a distinctly protective manner. Thing is, nothing felt malicious, and I asked them why the hell they seemed so protective when I felt perfectly safe. They explained that I was safe, but "she's pretty fucking intimidating so you might need someone to keep you steady."

Enter Khaos. I realized it was her because instead of a humanoid, or even recognizable form, suddenly within the protected astral space I go when I meditate (I'll just call it "homespace" from now on) is this massive fucking orb of void.

Except this is much bigger, and the orb I was met with was only... "half" of one. Like it'd been sliced, a few solid chunks cut out, like when a video game renders wrong and certain chunks won't load. I actively tried to imagine it as whole, to change it- it wouldn't budge. When I took the above screenshot as a reference, seeing how tiny my character was compared to the in-game thing that I compared Khaos to, it brought a whole new meaning to Loki's explanation as to why it was only half of an orb.

"She's trying not to scare you."

Loki assured me that they would be with me the whole time, that we were not leaving homespace and the orb was completely within the protection of homespace, and we walked in. It was pitch black, void all around, and I could see Loki as if he was lit up in the middle of day but that was it. Khaos came out of the void, sort of appearing out of the "wall" of darkness- being formed from it herself as if it were liquid. I asked her what she had to say.

She looked at me, just smiled, and said "good luck."

I admit, I laughed. I pointed out that THAT sounded ominous as hell. I knew what she meant- she was genuinely wishing me luck, since I have a lot of growth ahead of me and working with her is going to be a pretty big deal for me. But at the time, I couldn't help but laugh. Later, when I was recounting this to my mom, I got a very clear image of hands of darkness holding a bright orb of light. Offering it to me. It wasn't just wishing me luck. It was a gift.

Not long after that, I was suddenly made more aware of my physical body in the form of an ant crawling across me. I got the ant off of me, and went back- only to find that I couldn't just go back to the void we were standing in. Loki met me where we originally had started, and confirmed that I wasn't able to go into her space uninvited. I told them I couldn't go through the process of getting further into a meditative state and walking back into the void, and they said it was okay.

And I swear to you, I'm not fucking with you when I say this is exactly what was said next.

Me: "So... It's so interesting- Is the only way to talk to her to go into the void, be consumed by her energy entirely?"

Khaos, suddenly behind me: "Sort of, but not entirely no."

Me, finding out that my startle reflex is just as bad in the astral: "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST-"

Khaos: "No." (As in no, she's not Jesus. /Lh I just feel like it might not be clear!)

You guys. She wasn't even trying to be funny. I adore Khaos already I'm gonna have a fucking great time.

[leejenowrld]

This thing about the original y/n, thank god you switched because this one is much more interesting no offense, but its just cool because I remember the first time I read chapter 1 I was already picturing her as the good girl, nerd, innocent, shy etc and then things happen there and we see that well, yes she’s a nerd and good for her, but she’s also intense and sexual and cool and has a lot of layers, I forgot to mention that to you before

100% i agree with you, honestly. my original plan for her would have been so boring in comparison. it wouldn’t have excited me or challenged me at all. she was always supposed to end up quite hypersexual and confident eventually, and fall deeper into a darker world after meeting jeno — even in my original drafts that part was always there but at first, i pictured a much slower burn. you can definitely see that early version in love me back if you look closely. back then she was much more like haley from one tree hill — still smart and stubborn, but more innocent, more timid, a little more traditionally “good girl” coded. at that point, i hadn’t fully developed her yet, and it shows in how she moves through that fic’s world.

but the more i thought about it, the more i realized i didn’t want to write that version of her. i didn’t want her arc to feel safe. i didn’t want her just discovering sexuality because of a boy. i wanted her to be someone who already had that chaos and hunger inside her and just needed the right set of circumstances — the right kind of heartbreak and recklessness — to rip it wide open. so i decided to go all in. it’s canon that she literally has a higher body count than jeno and i just find that so hot and attractive. i rewrote her characterisation completely and made the choice to either push it to the limit or not do it at all. i cannot even lie, i felt so nervous about a lot of the scenes at first. all the scenes where she’s dominant sexually, where she’s unbothered and demanding, where she’s getting her ass eaten at the bar like she owns the whole world — none of that was ever in the original plan. it was terrifying to write at first. but it ended up feeling more real, more raw, more powerful. and now i couldn’t imagine her any other way.

a big part of why i made that choice too is because i’ve always been so inspired by strong female characters and real-world figures who never apologized for being complicated, ambitious, sexual, and emotional all at once. when i thought about who i wanted back to you y/n to be, i knew i wanted to write a character who embodied all of that without ever having to make herself smaller to be loved. i wanted her femininity to be presented as strong, not something she had to hide or shrink away from. i wanted her sexuality to be powerful and self-claimed — to show her navigating desire with complete agency, setting the rules, making jeno fall to his knees not just because of lust but because of who she is. i was so attracted to the idea of her dominating him sexually, of her owning the room even when she was broken inside, of her body being hers first and always. honestly, i genuinely aspire to be someone like back to you y/n in so many ways. she’s this raw, unflinching figure of strength and complexity, but she’s also soft in the most beautiful ways — tender, loyal, intuitive, fiercely loving when she chooses to be. she’s guarded but not cold, wounded but not cruel, brilliant but still human. she’s the kind of character i hope people look up to, not because she’s perfect, but because she refuses to be anything less than fully herself, even when it costs her everything.

thank you so much for saying this because it genuinely means a lot to hear you noticed all of that. she’s still a nerd, she’s still ambitious and sharp and determined, but now she’s also intense, sexual, unapologetically layered, and a little reckless in the most human way. she’s allowed to be brilliant and devastating and hot and messy all at once. she’s allowed to want things without shame. and that made her story — and her connection with jeno — a thousand times more explosive, more complicated, more heartbreaking to write. i would not change it for anything.

[planetconfession]

(C) One last goodbye…///

Final Unsent Letter

This letter has sat in my drafts folder, untouched, for years. It’s lingered in my email box, haunting me like a ghost I couldn’t bring myself to face. For the longest time, I wasn’t ready to let it go—not ready to admit what it meant or why it hurt so much. But now, as I compile works for my book, I realize it deserves to see the light.

I know you’ll never read it, and maybe that’s for the best. Still, I can’t deny that you had a hand in shaping some of my most reflective, raw, and emotionally charged pieces. You stirred something in me that I couldn’t ignore, even when I tried. It feels right, almost poetic, to share it here on the blog where my writing journey truly began.

Your impact on my life—whether painful, transformative, or bittersweet—wove its way into my words. And though I’ve moved forward, this letter remains a testament to the depth of what I felt and the lessons I’ve carried. It would be a shame not to give it the home it deserves.

So here it is, finally out in the open. A piece of the past, released to the present, so I can move fully into the future.

I don’t even know where to start. From the moment you finally said that you were done with whatever we were. I have been trying to put these feelings into words, and no matter how many times I rewrite this, it never feels like enough. For months, I’ve told myself this would be the perfect goodbye letter—a chance to find closure and move on—but the truth is, you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve my carefully chosen words, my vulnerability, or the peace that comes from me wrapping this up in a neat little bow. You put me through hell. You dragged me down into a darkness I didn’t know existed, left me there to claw my way out, and then walked away as if none of it mattered. And now? Now you expect me to let go without questions, without resentment, without carrying the weight of everything you did to me? That’s not going to happen.

I knew you for what felt like forever, though in reality, you were just a fleeting chapter in the story of my life. You were a boy when I met you, brimming with charm and unfulfilled potential, and I stayed long enough to watch you become a man—or at least, what I thought was a man. And in that time, I fell. I fell not just in love, but into belief, into hope, into every whispered promise you made under a sky full of stars. You didn’t just capture my heart; you held my soul in your hands. I opened myself to you completely, like a book with no secrets, no locked pages. I let you read every chapter—my fears, my dreams, the parts of me I never let anyone see. And when you told me you loved me, I believed you with everything I had. How could I not? Your words felt like home, and at the time, that was all I ever wanted.

Maybe that’s why I held on so long. For a time, you were my salvation. You were there in the darkest moments of my life, when the ground beneath me was crumbling and I didn’t know how to stand on my own. For that, I thank you. Without you, I might not have survived. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave the hands that bruised my skin, shattered my spirit, and left me believing I was worthless. Without you, I might never have discovered the fire buried deep inside me—the one that ached to burn through every chain that held me captive.

For a while, you were my lifeline. You were the good in a world that had shown me so much pain. Almost savior-like, I gave you power—so much power—to hold me together. I trusted you with it, clung to it like a drowning person clings to a lifeboat. But you didn’t save me. Instead, you took that power and used it against me. Slowly, piece by piece, you dismantled what was left of me.

The pain you caused wasn’t physical—it was worse. You didn’t leave bruises on my skin; you left them on my soul. You reached inside me and gripped my heart with the same hands I once thought were kind. And every time I managed to gather the broken pieces of myself, you’d squeeze, hard enough to shatter me all over again. It felt like dying, over and over, but never being granted the mercy of release.

Looking back, I realize you knew exactly what you were doing. You were great at it—great at making me feel extraordinary just by being near you. Great at making me hang on to every word you said, whether it was sharp and cruel or soft and sweet. You knew how to keep me tethered to you, how to make me believe I didn’t deserve better. And, God help me, I let you. I forgave you every time, because I didn’t know how to do anything else.

But the worst part? You could have been honest with me. When you came back into my life, you could have told me you didn’t want something real. You could have told me you only wanted a friend with benefits. I might have been able to handle that. But no. You told me you loved me. You let me fall for you—piece by piece, word by word—until I was too far gone to see the lies for what they were.

You told me you loved me. And in the same breath, you told her it wasn’t serious.

Do you have any idea what that did to me? Do you understand what it feels like to have every word I held onto—every promise, every dream—reduced to nothing? It broke me in ways I didn’t know were possible. It made me question everything about myself, about love, about trust. It made me feel like I was nothing.

But here’s the thing: I’m not nothing. I’ve found my way out of the wreckage you left behind. I’ve rebuilt my life without you, and though the memories still sting, I’ve realized something you’ll never take from me: I deserve more. I deserve honesty, respect, and love that doesn’t come wrapped in lies and betrayal.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? You held me captive, but it was your absence that finally set me free. Now, with the scars you left behind, I carry the lesson I never wanted but desperately needed. My fire was never yours to extinguish. It was mine all along.

So no, this isn’t the perfect goodbye letter. It’s not tied up neatly with forgiveness or closure. It’s messy, raw, and filled with the truth you were never brave enough to give me. This letter isn’t for you—it’s for me.

Because while I may carry the ghost of what we could have been, I refuse to carry the chains of what you did to me. I’m free now. And that is something you can never take away from me…////unsent letters to A.C. From Cas/// 2015-2016

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