#felt a bit uninspired but we r so back now

[mikupepsi]

Hello Rogeaners....

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Keeping Me Alive

Chapter 8: I Am Machine

By @dracusfyre

On his first day back from Afghanistan, the portrait of Howard seemed to stare at him accusingly as Tony let himself into his workshop. It looked like it hadn't been touched since the day he left. The rest of the empty, echoing house was pristine, no doubt visited by cleaners the minute Ms. Potts got confirmation that Tony was coming home, but the workshop had always been off limits; there was even a film of dust over his cars, Tony noticed. Everything was as he left it with one exception: he found the blueprints to the armored suit on his desk along with a note. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with when you’re not in a cave – Stane. 

“Fuck you,” Tony swore, then balled up the note and threw it in the garbage. He stared at the plans for a moment, the ragged edges and stains from repeated handling, the notes along the edge in Yinsen’s neat handwriting, the crisp creases that came from Stane. With an explosive sound of rage, he shoved them off his desk, along with his tools and a mug from MIT that he used for pens and pencils; it shattered on the cement floor with a sharp crash. He sat down heavily in his chair and buried his face in his hands.

Tony realized he had been staring at his empty desk for some time when Ms. Potts tapped on the glass door to the lab. When he glanced up and saw her, she waved at him with a smile and pointed at the plastic bag she had in one hand. “JARVIS, let her in,” he said, scrubbing a hand over his face and plastering some sort of expression there that approximated normal, whatever the hell that was these days. “Hello, Ms. Potts, what can I do for you today?”

“Hi, Mr. Stark, welcome home,” she said, eyes running over him with worry. She started to come around the desk to set down the carryout bag, and came up short when she saw the mess on the floor. She looked from it to Tony, who avoided her eyes, and with a soft sound she just nudged everything out of the way with the toe of her shoe. As she pulled out the food - Italian, from the smell – Tony suddenly realized he was starving. With a grateful smile, he pulled out the plastic fork and started to eat. She found a stool and pulled it over, stealing a warm breadstick from the bag. “You just got home, are you sure you should be back to work already?” she said with concern, tactfully not bringing up the mess on the floor at her feet.

“It’s worse when I’m just sitting around,” Tony answered, shrugging as he took a bite of manicotti. “I like to be busy.” The truth was, he wanted to go out his front door and walk until he couldn't walk anymore; his house felt like just as much of a prison cell as the cave had.

She looked dubious but didn’t argue. “I have your mail, if you want to take a look at it,” she said, pulling it out of her bag. “Mostly social invitations, once people heard you were coming home.”

“Just leave them, I’ll look at them later.”  He expected her to leave, but instead she lingered, chewing on her lip like she wanted to say something but was afraid to. “Was there something else?”

“Just…are you sure you’re alright? I thought you’d be, I don’t know…happier? To be home. If there’s anything I can do, I would be...” She trailed off as Tony put down his fork, eyes stinging and throat too tight to swallow. “I’m sorry, I overstepped, I’ll just-”

“You’re right, I’m not okay,” Tony said, glancing up to meet her worried gaze when he thought he could do it without breaking down. “But it’s nothing you can fix, so I’m just - for now at least – going to build things so I can pretend everything is okay.”

Ms. Pott’s gaze softened, and Tony had to look down at his food because she looked like given the least provocation she would give him a hug, and right now Tony wanted that more than he wanted to breathe. After a moment, he heard her sigh, and she said, “Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Stark.” Tony smiled faintly when he saw her take another breadstick from the stack as she stood.

“See you tomorrow, Ms. Potts,” Tony said to her back as she walked away.

Stane gave him three days before he came by to visit, bearing pizza and talking about board meetings and shareholders. Tony played along, nodding and offering comments in all of the appropriate parts, chewing the greasy pizza and waiting for him to get to the goddamn point already.

“So, Secretary Pierce was impressed by your little idea from Afghanistan,” Stane said as he got up and helped himself to some of Tony’s liquor. “He asked how long it would be until we had a prototype.” Tony knew what that meant: what Pierce wanted, Pierce better get. The man didn't rise to the top of Hydra by tolerating failure. 

“I don’t know,” Tony said, lying only a little bit. He didn’t know precisely how long it would take. Even though he hadn’t put pen to paper, the design had been running through his mind at all hours; just last night he had been brushing his teeth and realize SI had the patent to a gold-titanium alloy that would be lightweight but strong enough for the armor plating. Breakfast had reminded him of Howard’s repulsor technology, developed for the flying car project and since mothballed but much more efficient and effective than combustion propulsion. “This is something entirely different than what anyone has ever done before,” he pointed out. “The plans from Afghanistan were shit; I don’t even know if it was going to work.” That was a bigger lie. It would have. Not well, and not for long, but it would have gotten the job done.

Stane nodded thoughtfully, tapping his heavy gold class ring against the glass. “Of course. Well, we will be keeping an eye on you. I would suggest making this your priority, understand?”

“Yeah.” Not for the first time, Tony wished Stane would just fucking say what he meant. We are watching you. Do it now, or else. Suddenly done with the pretense of civil conversation, Tony got up and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. “Well, I guess I’ll get to it, shall I?” he said sarcastically, saluting Stane with the bottle as he took a drink, and left Stane in his living room as he went down to his workshop.

Tony resisted working on the suit for as long as he could, sick to death of being Stane’s dancing monkey. But the ideas in his head were driving him crazy, coming so thick and fast that he couldn’t think or sleep or even take a shower in peace. Finally, after a coffee fueled all-nighter, Tony was studying a 3D holographic rendering of the sleek, powerful suit that he’d been building in his mind for days now. As he watched the projection rotating slowly, he thought that there must be a word, in German or perhaps Russian, for the feeling when you are both proud and terrified of your own creation.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds,” Tony muttered. The suit was the most impressive thing Tony had ever designed, armed with all the weapons that Tony could miniaturize and able to run indefinitely on the power from Tony’s new and improved arc reactor. It was fast, maneuverable, and immensely destructive; with JARVIS on board to automate flight calculations and targeting, it was easily a one-man army. Brilliant, beautiful, and awful, all at once.

Even as he admired it, the thought of Stane seeing this was a sharp stab of icy terror in his chest, difficult to even breathe around. He thought of an army of these darkening the sky, flown by Hydra agents. They wouldn't sell these, he knew; they were too powerful. Hydra would want to keep these all to itself. He didn't even want to imagine what Hydra could do with even one of them, much less ten or a hundred. Just thinking about it threatened to give Tony a panic attack, and for the first time in his life he realized that this time, it might be better to let Hydra kill the people he loved than to give in to their demands.

His finger hovered over the delete key as he wavered. He couldn't risk Hydra finding these blueprints, but it had occurred to him more than once that with this suit, he could stand a chance against Hydra, against their STRIKE teams and even the Winter Soldier. The same plan he'd had to escape the Ten Rings, but with higher stakes and much higher risk of discovery.

After a long moment, Tony exhaled, and scrubbed his hands over his face. He closed out of the program without deleting anything, hiding and encrypting it on JARVIS’s secret servers. He knew that Stane also had SI’s R&D branch working on one of these suits as well, and theirs was predictably prosaic and uninspired – overlarge, cast iron, required huge batteries to power, and relied on combustion propulsion. Basically, exactly what Tony was going to build in the cave, but bigger and more polished. It was as different from Tony’s design as a dump truck from a Ducat but Tony wasn't going to tell them that.

Stretching, Tony noticed a bottle of whiskey he'd grabbed earlier and forgotten about sometime in the middle of his work binge. There was still a corner of liquor left in the bottle, so Tony didn’t bother with a glass as he took a sip and climbed the stairs to the main floor. Now the question was, how stupid could he play with Stane before Hydra lost patience with him and started sharpening their knives?

[cherry-ber]

Too drunk to fuck (pt 2)

Friday, 7:36 p.m: unknown number: “Do you wanna come to a party tomorrow?” 

When you first got the text, your heart fluttered hoping it was Mark, but he would never invite you to a party, he would never really want you around him or his friends, he probably hated you as much as you first hated him.Hesitant on whether to reply or not, you took your time while trying to find a way to be smooth.  Friday, 7:48 p.m: “yea but who’s this tho” 

Wondering who could be texting you, asking you out to a party, you went through a list of people and old friends that could have your number, but you couldn’t think of someone. 

Friday, 9:05 p.m: unknown number: “Oh right” “Sorry” “It’s Na Jaemin, you’re friends with Mark, right?”

Na Jaemin. You remembered his name from the times your History teacher would scold him every single class. You never really spoke to him. You found him funny, he had a way of making the whole class laugh, but he was annoying, he never took anything serious, and he never really seem to care about something that wasn’t himself. He always winked at you when he came in 5 minutes late, and he asked you to help him with homework every other day. 

Friday, 9:09 p.m: “oh”

“i wouldn’t say friends, but i guess we know eachother” Friday, 9:10 p.m, Na Jaemin: “???” “But he has your number” “???”

What was that supossed to mean? Friday, 9:13 p.m: “on that note” “how do u have my number, tho” You couldn’t really recall ever giving Jaemin your number, whenever you helped him, he’d ask in class or look for you on the library. Friday, 9:23 p.m, Na Jaemin: “I took his phone and stole it” “I’m sorry about that” “Do you wanna come? I can pick you up :)”

He was odd, to say the least. When you thought about Jaemin, even though he was playing dumb most of the time, you couldn’t picture him as the kind of guy that steals phone numbers for no reason, or the kind that would want you in a party. 

And even worse than Na Jaemin, if that could be possible, there were also his friends, their friends. You only knew a couple of them, but you’ve heard how amazingly annoying they were when they were together, you didn’t really want to ever be in the same room as  them

. 

Friday, 9:29 p.m: “why tho”

“i don’t think i’d know someone at your parties”

Friday, 9:30 p.m, Na Jaemin: “Mark says youre nice” “And he doesnt want to come so maybe if you did he would” “pleeeeaseeeeee? :(”

It was common sense, telling you that the worst thing that you could do to yourself right now, would be agreeing. You already knew there was nothing between you and Mark, and nothing would ever be there, and you also knew, you didn’t want to meet his friends, you didn’t want to get along with them, you didn’t want to know about them.  Friday, 9:35 p.m, Na Jaemin: “We’re having drinks, if that would make the deal a little bit better” “Just say yes, please. Say. Yes.” Was that some kind of holy sign? No, you didn’t drink at all, you didn’t need anoyone buying alcohol for you, but maybe somehow, that would boost your courage, maybe that’s what you needed to go back to him, to try to get along with them. Maybe if you tried, there would be something between you and Mark Lee. 

Friday, 9:55 p.m: “okay but u r picking me up” “and i’m leaving as soon as i’m drunk”

Friday, 10:00 p.m, Na Jaemin: “Yaaaay” “I’ll pick you up at 8″ “Is that okay?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A.N: OKaYyY I’M ACTUALLY PISSED BECAUSE OF HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO UPDATE. I’M ALSO VERY SORRY IF THIS FELT SIMPLE AND CHEAP BUT BEAR WITH ME MY BRAIN IS DUMB AND I’M UNINSPIRED THE COMEBACK LEFT ME UHM FREAKING OUT TO SAY THE LEAST

Anyway guys i wasn’t really planning to do it a three-part thing, mostly because this one seems kinda off to me somehow, but i kinda wanted this to be more accurate irl at least by the time i post it, since it’s like 10:50~ish here, in case you didn’t have plans for today. 

Also i pROMISE i’m posting tomorrow so expect something happening at the damn party 

[bewareofchris]

Public Relations 25/??

R atm | Alec Hardy/Dr. Bill Masters | Broadchurch, Masters of Sex | Strong language, eventual sexual situations

“The fact that Alec Hardy was not currently, had not ever, and did not want to date the American sex research did not seem very important at all to the town of Broadchurch.  They did what they had always done with a little bit of juicy gossip: they made a spectacle of it.”

AO3 Link | From this part on, the posts should line up with the chapters posted on AO3.  This “part” is 25 here but it will be Chapter 9 on AO3.

Betty had a peculiar way of simply existing in spaces that she hadn’t been present in a moment ago.  Bill had only just looked down at the growing stack of papers awaiting his attention for a single moment.  Just barely long enough to lift up the first resume on the massive stack of possible assistants before he dropped it again and fell back into his chair in defeat.

“Hard day?” Betty asked as if she’d been there since he walked in.  As if she hadn’t just materialized there with a tablet resting in the crook of her arm as she eyed him with some dismay.  

He gasped, “Betty!” Because she surprised him.  But he just glared hatefully at the pile of resumes because there was no defense for his desperate disinterest in going through them.  “I assume you’re here on official business.”

“Sure am,” she assured him, “but, in this case, I was sent by my real boss.  My wife.”  She nodded her head in that way that assumed he understood.  And then she cleared her throat to go ahead with, “well, she’s decided that we’re inviting you to Christmas dinner.  I don’t know what’s happening with your family, or if you’ve got someplace else you’d rather be.  But if your only options are eating some uninspired ham steaks and pre packaged mashed potatoes with a couple of lesbians or sitting alone in your apartment waiting for a text from your overseas lover boy, well--”  

“I don’t have a lover boy.”

“You can always eat the ham at our house and wait on the texts.  And sing carols with us.  We might even make a stocking for you.”

Bill had not even gone through the pretense of purchasing a Christmas tree for his poorly furnished little apartment.  He hadn’t turned on the radio in his car in weeks for fear of having to listen to the same merry songs over and over again.  Christmas had only ever been something that wound up his guts into a fist of apprehension.  Libby had been filled from top to toes with warm memories of long holiday seasons with her family.  She hummed carols as she hung stockings and she laid against his side daydreaming about little fat babies to make her Christmad dreams come true.

But Bill’s memory of Christmas was an echo of every other day.  His Mother made some attempt, and they assembled for dinner like waiting for a bomb to explode.  Father was unforgiving and Mother was skittish.  The only presents Bill remembered receiving were black eyes and bruises.

And yet, every year, he’d been sent out into the world with this expectation that he must know how to choose a gift worth giving.  He’d suffered through all the Christmas movies, he’d listened to all the chatter.  He’d received more than his share of gifts from thankful families and co-workers and friends.  And still, he stood in department stores like an idiot, hoping to be saved by someone who took pity on men who barely had an idea of what they were doing there.

“Oh,” he said when the silence had dragged too long and Betty’s amusement had started softening to real concern.  “I--uh, that’s very thoughtful of you, Betty.”

“So I’ll tell her to expect you.”  Betty wasn’t asking him.  She wasn’t even letting him work out how to turn her down.  No, she was looking at him the way she had when she handed him a coat and a plane ticket.  There would be no arguing with her.  “We shouldn’t disappoint Helen right now.  She needs to be in top condition for conceiving.”

“Right,” he agreed.  “Right.  We can’t upset Helen.”  He cleared his throat, “should I bring anything?  What should I bring--I…  Libby usually handled these things.”

“Baby steps, boss.  Bring some wine and yourself.  We’ll take care of the rest.”  Then she smiled at him (or tried her best) and turned with a swish of her skirt.  She pulled the door closed behind her and lingered for just a breath before she walked away.

--

His primary consolation was that, while this had been a stupid idea, at least it had not been his stupid idea.  A lucky follow up was how the aisle was filled with other similarly lost looking individuals staring at a selection of brightly colored baby toys without any clue which would be the best gift.  At least Hardy didn’t have to look like an idiot by himself.  

All of the boxes seemed to offer some guidance as to the appropriateness to the age of the child.  Fred was a baby, but his exact age was unknown.  He was old enough to stand up on his own but he wasn’t old enough to talk.  (And it had been a very long time since Daisy had learned to talk.  So long ago now that he didn’t remember when it happened.)  Still, that wasn’t as big a problem as the fact that he couldn’t begin to guess what sort of color, character or type Fred would prefer.

(He seemed to very much enjoy knocking over block towers.  And sucking his thumb.)

Hardy had never bought a gift for another person’s child, but he also felt as if some consideration was meant to be given for what Miller would prefer.  

Surely, nobody had ever gone wrong with buying brightly colored, age-appropriate cars for a child?  That’s what he’d been telling himself when he picked the box up.  He just had been failing to believe it for the past five minutes or so.  Because there were also dinosaurs that roared and trains and blocks made noises when you stacked them.  And electronic toys that promised to teach letters and numbers.  

An educational gift seemed ideal, unless it implied that he didn’t feel like Miller was educating her child appropriately.  

Hardy was still holding the cars in one hand as he dug his phone out of his pocket.  He stared at his sparse contact list as he tried to work out who he could call for help.  Miller was an obvious choice but he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.  (They hadn’t, after all, discussed anything at all about exchanging gifts or the impending holiday.)  It was too early to call Bill (and he was useless anyway).  Daisy would be at school.  He sighed at himself, and the toys, and his phone, and the world, but he still tapped on Tess’ name.

She answered on the third ring, sounding almost amused enough to cover her confusion.  “Should I feel special?”

“How should I know?” Hardy answered, and he squeezed his eyes shut at the flutter of his heart beat getting light and flighty.  He cleared his throat, “I was calling for advice about a kid’s present.”

“Ok,” Tess said, “whose kid?”

“A co-worker’s.”

“A lady co-worker?”

“Tess,” Hardy said.  He opened his eyes and dropped the box he’d been holding back on the shelf.  “If you can’t help…”

“Calm down, Alec.  Boy or girl?  How old?”  

The conversation was so polite it was almost professional.  Tess directed him to fat little cars that made noises and came with track pieces.  And when that gift had been secured, her voice was soft when she said, “this might be the most civil conversation we’ve had in years, Alec.  It’s nice to hear you sound almost happy.”

Hardy was resting one arm against a shelf, frowning sideways at nothing at all, thinking terrible-and-unkind things about his wife.  He could have said nothing at all, but he said, “I’ve been happy, Tess.  You just don’t get to know about it.”  

Her silence was shock.

“Thank you for your help,” he said when he couldn’t take the sound of her breathing one more second.  He hung up before she recovered; his body felt flushed hot and he took a minute to steady himself before he trusted his feet to carry him.

--

Bill was making dinner, and Alec was staying up very-very late.  

“What have you been eating?” was Alec’s voice wrapped up in a blanket on his bed.  It was shadowed in the after-midnight dark; just now starting to get heavy with sleepiness.  “Microwave food?”

“I haven’t had to cook for myself in a very long time.  And besides,” he said, off to the side of the stove, where his phone was propped up on a glass container.  “It’s oddly difficult to make enough food for just one person.  I don’t even know how to shop.  I bought six chicken breasts when I went to the store, what am I going to do with six chicken breasts?”

“Eat six meals?”

“The only food packaged with a single person in mind is microwave meals.”

Alec made a noise like a wheeze, a snort of disbelief, and disapproval and amusement all at once.  His voice was stretching and settling into a new place as he said, “and you call yourself a doctor.”

“Yes yes.”  Bill moved the pan off the hot burner and picked his phone up to take it off speakerphone.  Their conversation was yawning itself to a close and there was something far more fulfilling about talking quietly into the phone.  “You don’t have to stay up so late,” he said.

“I know I don’t,” Alec agreed.  He was quiet, like thinking very carefully about what he wanted to say next.

“Betty said you were my lover boy,” he tried to make it sound like it had been funny.  He tried to make it a tease, like it was every bit as silly of her to think such a thing as the people from Broadchurch had been to think they were a couple.  It had been funny at the start, when they were building a friendship off appreciation for how silly it was.  

But here they were, breathing into a phone call where neither of them wanted to talk first.  Here they were with phones full of long text messages and half-whispered admissions.  Here he was, with his heartbeat pounding in his chest, biting his lip, hoping and not hoping all at once for some kind of reaction that--

What?

What the hell did he want?

What the hell was he even doing?

Waiting on a man from Broadchurch to tell him that maybe Betty had a point.  That maybe if you woke up looking for a message from the man, and fell asleep thinking about what you’d talk about tomorrow, and stole moments from your day to escape into the ease of another nonsense conversation with him.

Alec’s sigh was almost wounded.  He said, “tell me something.  Something that you couldn’t tell your wife.”

Bill was staring at his socked feet and his floor that desperately needed to be swept.  He was churning over a thousand different things in his head, all the ugliest secrets he’d ever kept.  He was wondering what sort of test this could possibly be, and how terrified he suddenly found himself to be.  He said, “I never loved Libby.  Before I met her, I…  I was in love.  I loved her and I thought, I thought she loved me but I wrote her a note asking her to marry me and…”  His throat was squeezing his words out of shape, his face was filling up with heat.  Bill pressed a hand across his mouth and then cleared his throat.  “It didn’t work out.  And I married Libby because I needed a wife and I thought I liked her well enough.”

The silence stretched, and the quiet moved through the phone.  Alec must have been pushing himself up to sit on the bed.  He said, “did you love Virginia?”

“Yes,” Bill whispered, “but I wasn’t kind to her.”

“I loved my wife,” Alec said, “and that wasn’t enough for her.  I don’t want to not be enough for someone again.”

“I want to be happy with someone. I want to know that I’m loved, I want them to know that I love them,” Bill said, because he couldn’t say that he didn’t want to be here.  He didn’t want this lonely little apartment.  He didn’t want the office waiting for me at his job.  He didn’t want any of the things he’d spent his whole life trying to get.  Whatever they had meant to him before, whatever franticness had driven him to such heights all these years, it wasn’t in him anymore.  

It was stupid, to be standing in his kitchen, hoping that a man an ocean away from him would understand.  

Alec said, “don’t make it sound so impossible, Bill.  You can have that if you work for it.”

Maybe it was how late it was where Alec was.  Or maybe it was how lonely Bill felt just then, but those words sounded almost like a promise.

Then Alec said, “go to Betty’s for Christmas.  It’ll be better than being alone.  And go eat your dinner, the food’s got to be cold by now.”

“Yeah,” Bill agreed.

“Tomorrow, we’ve got to have an earlier call.  It’s one in the morning.”

Bill snorted.  “Sleep well, Alec.”

“Enjoy your dinner,” Alec said.  

They were idiots on the phone, wasting seconds, waiting and waiting to see if they had to be the first one to hang up.  Bill moved first, because just then he wasn’t sure he could bear to hear the sound of the call disconnecting from the other end.  He stood in his kitchen, feeling like his skin had been peeled away from his flesh, with something like a flicker of hope resting firmly in his chest.

--

Hardy woke up like a man with a hangover.  The night before had been no less full of rash decisions just because it lacked enough alcohol to justify them.  His body felt no less abused.  Exhaustion settled into his limbs like filling all his insides up with warm sand.  The morning sun mocked him through the window as he lay on his back, searching for some sense of purpose big enough to drag him out of his bed.

Sitting no more than an arm’s distance away was the instrument of his own stupidity.  (Just the memory of it made him press both his hands to his face with a groan that shook through his whole body.)  The boldness of asking Bill for secrets he’d never shared with anyone else.  The agony of laying in this very bed with both his hands wrapped around the phone, waiting for a response he had no right to expect.

But he’d gotten one.

Oh hell.  

Staying beneath the blankets, far from the phone and all the damage it could inflict on his well-being, seemed like the only good, logical decision that could be made.  A smart man would have walked away, but Hardy was a shaky, weak-hearted sort.  He grabbed the phone almost as soon as he’d decided he shouldn’t, and there was a text waiting for him.

Bill had sent it before bed, and all it said was: Good morning, Alec.

The text could have said anything at all and Hardy would have smiled.  It was a response made of reflex, a steadily growing expectation that was as essential to the mood of his morning as a good cup of tea.  It held him over through the morning quiet as he went about the mundane activities of his life.  Just when the softness of a good morning text was waning, Bill showed up with a complaint about his coffee, or his office, or the unnecessary (his words) amount of paperwork waiting for him.  

With the way they were carrying on, late evening phone calls were going to become as much a part of his day as good morning texts.  He was going to rearrange dinner and bedtime to make a space to answer the phone to the slowly brightening sound of Bill Masters fumbling his way into a conversation.  It was a wonder how a man could dial a phone, and wait for it to ring and breathe hello across the ocean and still have no idea what you meant to say.  But Hardy did understand why it didn’t matter to him if they talked about the mind-numbing nothings of a day, or exchanged dinner plans, or their least favorite holiday songs.  Hardy would have had a conversation about anything at all--

His boldness was self-preservation because he knew.  He’d been here before, spending all his time waiting on texts and phone calls.  Falling asleep and waking up thinking about what he was going to say the next time.  Taking showers without washing his hair, replaying all the words on repeat.

Hardy had to live withe answers he’d been given now.  He had to accept life in the aftermath because Bill had barely taken a full minute to come up with an answer, almost exactly like a promise.  

So he was an idiot, falling in love with a man he had no hope of being with, smiling at his phone as he typed out: Good morning, Bill.

--

Bill was wearing the lab coat because he’d convinced himself that he was going to do something like real work today.  There was enough of it waiting to be attended to that he shouldn’t have had trouble finding something to throw himself into.  He’d convinced himself that it would be better than sorting through resumes, but that had been well over a half an hour ago and all he’d managed to do was find himself staring at the nicely-made bad in the observation room.

His head was full of thoughts that he couldn’t quite hear.  It was a peculiar feeling to be caught inside your own body, knowing something was going on, and being just out of earshot of your own emotions.  (Or not.  Maybe Bill felt plenty.  It was the ideas he couldn’t get a grip on.)

“Bill.”  Virginia was standing in the doorway, one hand resting against the frame and the other behind her back.  Her voice was as soft as flower petals; her face as gentle as early-morning sunshine.  

“Virginia.”  He didn’t even have a pretense of being caught preparing because he hadn’t even made it as far as pulling a chair out.  The most he’d done was turn on a light.  They’d built this room to contain any noise and it covered the space around them cotton, sealing away all the world around them.  

“I appreciate that you’ve gone out of your way to make my return as smooth as possible,” she said.  “I just wonder if…  How are you?”

Oh, he was thinking about a beautiful woman named Dody that had whispered his name from kiss-pinked lips like she loved him.  He was wondering where she was, and why he hadn’t been enough for her.  

Is that what he was wondering?

That’s what Alec had said.  That he had loved his wife, and he hadn’t been enough for her.  Bill had loved Dody like that, he had dreamed about the life they could have.  Oh hell, he’d even imagined a lovely little house, and a little dog, and when they were ready, a child with the face of the woman he loved.  He could imagine happiness in Dody’s image because it had felt possible.

Libby begged for children, and she’d gotten them in the end.  Bill had never imagined a life full of children with Libby.  He’d never dreamed of Christmas carols and little stockings by the fire.  He couldn’t imagine kissing her in the morning with an arm wound around her back.  He hadn’t even loved his children with any hope, because he had never felt that he could.

That was the sort of bastard his father had made him to be; the one that hadn’t even tried to love his own children.  And for what reason?  Because he hadn’t wanted them?  

(But didn’t he?  It had felt like heartbreak in that God-damn operating room, with the weight of his stillborn daughter in his hands.  It had felt like his soul had been ripped.  You couldn’t break a heart that couldn’t love.  He had loved Catherine.  He must have loved Johnny, and Jenny, and Howie.)

“Fine,” Bill said, “I’m doing well.  Thank you.”

“Things don’t have to be strange between us,” Virginia said.  “We’ve always been able to separate our work from other…distractions.  I hope that we’re able to find that same balance again.”

“Of course,” he cleared his throat, “right.  Of course.  I just--” he looked down at the tablet in his hand, and then at the door behind her.  “I think I’m not feeling well, if you excuse me.  I’m going to take some paperwork and go home.”

Virginia looked, if only for a moment, disappointed by him.  As if she had expected something different.  

Bill slid past her before he could get caught on wondering why she would look at him like that.  He passed Betty in the hallway, and she didn’t even try to stop him.  The most she did was frown back down the hall like she already knew what she’d find. 

But it wasn’t Virginia’s fault that Bill didn’t know what the hell he wanted.  It wasn’t her fault that he’d made this terrible situation.  It wasn’t her fault that he wanted to be anywhere in the world but here.

Impulse stopped him at the last moment.  And it felt very much like it had the night before.  When he was asked for honesty and he had barely hesitated.  It must have been all those thoughts of his, just slightly too far away to hear clearly.  He called, “Betty?”

“Yeah?” Betty was torn between following him and continuing what she had been doing.

“I’m going home for the day,” was a coward’s way out.  He didn’t look away from her trying to figure out what to say in response, so they were still staring at each other when he cleared his throat to add, “and I’d be very happy to accept your invitation.”

--

“What is that?”  Miller had barely made it in the door.  Her fingers were still reaching up to pull her scarf loose.  Even poor Fred was still bundled so tightly in his winter wear that he couldn’t quite manage to lower his arms.  

Hardy had left the gift sitting on the table by the stack of case files that they kept thinking they were going to get to.  But the white-shocked-look on Miller’s face made him think that perhaps he should have tucked it out of sight until he’d had the chance to provide some lead-in to giving it to her.  (Except that Hardy had never seen the sense in pretenses.  People wasted altogether too much time on nonsense.)  “It’s for Fred,” he said.  And it sounded immediately stupid to him.  “For Christmas.  I wasn’t sure--  If it’s inappropriat--”

“Oh shut up,” Miller said.  Her fingers were still curled into the scarf but she hadn’t managed to pull it loose yet.  The words came as one gust of breath and she jerked to the side, spinning around so she wasn’t looking at him. 

Fred looked back at his Mom and then up at Hardy.  His overstuffed coat sleeves were keeping his arms straight out to the sides but he raised them vaguely toward him.  “Off,” the boy said to him.  (Or might have been up.)  

Hardy could have taken the boy’s coat off but he couldn’t be sure that Miller was going to stay.  As much trouble as he appeared to be in, it would just be made worse by removing the coat of a small child that most likely wouldn’t want it put back on.  “Miller,” he said.

“Shut up,” Miller repeated but her voice was tight and wet.  She turned back to look at him as she wiped at the tears gathering at the edges of her eyes.  “What do you think you’re doing?”

There he was, a fully grown man, ducking his head because the truth was that he didn’t know what he thought he was doing.  “That’s what friends do, isn’t it?  You’ve got a kid and we’re friends, and that means I buy him a present and--”

“Oh, shut up,” Miller shouted at him.  She was scrubbing fresh tears from her eyes with greater aggravation.  Poor Fred, who had really reached the end of his ability to be held prisoner in his coat, started crying at the sharpness in her voice.  Miller pulled her own scarf off before she crouched down to release the boy and kiss his distressed little forehead.  

“I can take it back,” Hardy offered.

“Don’t you dare,” Miller snapped.  She dropped Fred’s coat on the back of his little couch and pulled her own coat off.  “I don’t think Tom’s coming home for Christmas.  He says that he needs space and he feels happier when he’s not around me.  He says he didn’t want to leave Broadchurch and he doesn’t want to be punished because of me.”  

Hardy was miserable with comfort, standing there without any ability to offer anything that might make the thick-wet pain in Miller’s voice even slightly more bearable.

“I didn’t do this, did I?  I didn’t murder a boy.  I didn’t make us pariahs in our own home.  I didn’t--  I haven’t even put up a tree.  Fred’s too young to care.  I haven’t even thought about making dinner.  I didn’t even wrap any gifts.  I don’t…  I didn’t think I could stand it.”

Hardy looked over at the little boy dragging his box of blocks off the bottom of a low shelf.  “We could get a tree,” Hardy said.  “I haven’t gotten one because--  What’s the point?  Daisy’s visiting her Grandparents with her Mom.  I won’t get to see her until New Years, if she agrees to see me at all.  We could…”  He shrugged, “we could eat.  Let Fred open his gifts.”

Miller was shaking her head at him.  “You’re a bastard,” she said.  And then she cleared her throat again.  “Look at me, I’m a mess.  I’m going to make myself presentable.  And then we’ll talk about trees and dinner and…”  She moved like she was going toward the bathroom but she lurched back and dragged Hardy into a hug.

He was too shocked to do more than stand there, and it didn’t seem to matter if he reciprocated or not.  She held on a matter of seconds and then let go to retreat to the bathroom.  Hardy was left standing there, looking at the empty space where Miller had been until Fred climbed onto the back of the couch to grab his hand.

“Blocks,” the boy said to him.

They were building their sixth tower before Miller came back out, and when she did, her composure was a worn-thin cover barely hiding her pink-tipped nose.  She didn’t bother to touch the case files, just came around the couch to sit on the floor with them.  “If you were sincere, and you weren’t just offering because I was making a scene, we’d be very happy to have Christmas here with you.”

Hardy nodded, and Miller reached out to wrap an arm around Fred and drag him back up against her body.  She kissed his fluffy hair as he wriggled to be free enough to kick over the block tower.  “You’ll have to do the cooking if you want something edible,” Hardy said.

Miller snorted.  “We’ll split it down the middle.  Joe always made Christmas dinner.”

“We can buy premade,” Hardy suggested.

They were idiots, trying to find something like happiness, smiling at nothing.

--

Betty opened the door with a jerk that made the knob rattle.  He’d expected some level of formal attire; most likely something very similar to what they frequently wore to work.  But Betty was wearing a baggy T-shirt over a pair of leggings patterned with Christmas tree lights.  Her hair was pulled away from her face by a wide-black headband and she smiled at him with fondness that had no name.

“Oh,” Bill said.  He was wearing a tie and carrying a bottle of wine (as directed).  “Did I come at the wrong time?”

“Is that the pizz--oh.”  Helen was all smiles in baggy fleece pajamas zipped from her waist to her neck.  She had a fist full of cash and an almost embarrassed smile.  “Hello Dr. Masters.”

“Just Bill will do,” Betty said.  She opened the door as wide as she could and motioned for him to step inside.  “No, you came at the right time, boss.  We just decided that we’d take it easy on you this year.  We ordered pizza, we bought beer and we’re going to watch Christmas movies.”

“Betty.”  He didn’t step inside because he was wearing a suit.  He was wearing a tie.  He was holding a bottle of wine that certainly cost more than all the pizza and beer combined.  There was every indication available that he didn’t belong here.  He’d misunderstood the invitation, and he wouldn’t fit.  “I think it’s best if I just…”

“Look,” Betty said as she leaned against the door.  “No offense to your fancy education and all, boss but I think you might be the least qualified person standing in this doorway to decide what is and isn’t in your own best interest.  Now, I thought something like this would happen so I took the liberty of making sure we had some pajamas in your size.”  

“No, really, I think…”  He took a step back and Helen turned in an awkward circle on her heels to duck back through the doorway she’d come through.  

Betty slid forward, so she close enough she could grab him by the hand if she wanted.  She was leaning against the door jamb, giving him just enough space to make a run for it.  “I’m offering you a night of pizza, beer, pajamas and no expectations.  Nobody wants to be alone on Christmas, not even you.  And besides,” was a light and happy tilt to her voice, “they’re great pajamas.  You can send a selfie to your Scottish sweetheart.”

“He’s not…”

But Betty just hiked up an eyebrow at him, daring him to finish the sentence.  She was daring him to call her a liar, and he just couldn’t find the words for it.

“Well,” he shifted on his feet, “I brought wine.”

Betty’s smile was beautiful, and it glowed like the sun.  (And he thought, like an answer to all those things that he couldn’t quite figure out, that this is what love must look like.  Love at it’s most sincere, and least selfish.  Because Betty had nothing to gain from loving him, and still she dragged him into her home just so he wouldn’t be alone.)

--

Fred fell asleep first, face down in the left over bits of wrapping paper with his fingers curled around one of the noisy little cars Hardy had bought him.  He was still wearing the pajamas he’d woken up in and the little white stars caught the twinkle of the Christmas tree lights.  

“God, I wish I could fall asleep anywhere like that,” Miller said.  She was curled up on the edge of the couch, sipping another mug of just enough eggnog to be an excuse for the alcohol she’d put in it.  “Do you remember what it was like to be that unbothered by everything?”

Hardy snorted.  “Does anyone?”

They’d had a slow-and-lazy day, drifting through every emotion a human could feel in a day.  The morning had started later than he remembered any Christmas involving Daisy had.  Fred had found the gifts by the tree, but he was happy enough to get something to eat before he tore into them.  Miller had spent an hour in the bathroom crying her eyes out, and they’d put together race tracks and installed batteries until all the toys finally worked.  

They’d eaten lunch while they watched kids cartoons off a laptop.

“You’re a pretty good guy, Alec Hardy,” Miller said because she’d had just enough alcohol to make her think the words were a good idea.  “Still a shitface.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile--well, I saw you smile, but you didn’t smile at me.  You were smiling at your phone.”

Alec was smiling at a stupid picture of Bill Masters wearing fluffy gray pajamas and an elf hat, squished between two smiling women on a small couch.  He was smiling because Bill was smiling, even if it was twinged with embarrassment.  “I smile,” he said, “when there’s something to be smiling about.  What have I got to smile about?  My heart is trying to kill me.  I can’t drive.  I can’t work.  I can barely walk some days.  And if I die before I solve Sandbrook, all I’ll ever be known for is fucking up an investigation that let a child murderer go free.”

Miller took another drink.  She shrugged, “you were smiling at your phone.  I saw you.  I watched you play with Fred today.  You’ve got things to smile about.  We both have.  Now, don’t start with all that depressing stuff.  I’m trying to be a merry drunk.”  Her smile was exhausted and her cheeks were pink.

“Fine,” he said.

“Fine,” Miller answered with a smile.

@marvelmisha, @e3105eb, @may-darling, @bigleosis, @it-is-ineffable, @stardust-andwine, @echelongaga, @imnotokaywiththerunning, @heirofsarcasm, @thedoctorsblogger

[capcarolsdanver]

Crush

Request: I also have an idea for Kate x r: r is new at school and is kind of adopted by the friend group, starts crushing on kate, is super sad tho bc r assumes kate is straight and hooking up with whatever guy and closes herself off from kate, until kate realises what's going on and how she feels about r and goes on to confront r…

Pairing: Kate x Reader

A/N: Sorry for the long wait!! This week I had absolutely no motivation and every time I sat down to write nothing was coming to me. It’s the worst when I really want to write my requests for you guys as quickly as I can but I literally feel stuck and so uninspired to write sometimes. As always, feedback is appreciated!

Requests are still temporarily closed!!

(gif originally posted by @dianas-shortgalpal​)

You sit down at an empty table in the dining hall with your breakfast. You arrived at Tanner Hall late the previous day, and so you still haven’t really met any of your fellow classmates. You don’t mind, having been kind of a loner at your previous school, so you open the book you brought with you while you eat your breakfast.

People start to fill the other tables in the dining hall and it’s not too long after that you hear a voice.

“Hey.” You look up towards the voice and see two girls sitting at the table next to you. They both wear friendly smiles on their faces. “You’re new here?”

“I am, yeah,” you reply. The girls share a quick silent look before turning back to you.

“Why don’t you come sit over here with us?” The girl with the dark brown hair says. You look at them in surprise. “If you want to,” she adds on after a moment of silence.

“Yeah,” you nod, closing your book and grabbing your tray to sit opposite the girls.

“My name is Y/N by the way,” you say  with a smile as you sit.

“I’m Fernanda, but I prefer Fern. This is Lucasta,” the girl with the darker hair replies.

“Feel free to call me Lu, though. It’s nice to me you,” the other girl smiles at you. The three of you sit and talk for a little while, getting to know each other a little bit and chatting about your old school before a blonde haired girl drops into the chair next to you, startling you.

“God, messing with Mr Middlewood is so much fun,” she chuckles. Fern and Lu laugh and both roll their eyes at their friend.

“Yeah, I don’t think yesterday’s whole shower thing will be forgotten any time soon,” Fern says and the blonde laughs. She seems to suddenly realise that her group of friends has an additional member as she faces you and lets her eyes look you over.

“And who do we have here?”

“Oh, this is Y/N! She’s new,” Lu introduces you.

“Well I’m Kate. It’s nice to meet you.” She says and holds her hand out towards you. You get lost for a moment staring back into her eyes before you realise what you’re doing, quickly taking her hand in yours to shake it.

“Yes. Right. Uh, nice to meet you too,” you manage to stutter out and Kate smirks at you as she releases your hand.

“So anyway, what did you do to Middlewood now?” Lu asks and Kate chuckles.

“Nothing more than usual. It’s just too easy to get a reaction from him.” She looks over to where you sit, still trying to shake off whatever you’ve been feeling since Kate sat down next to you. She looks down at your tray and points at the blueberry muffin you’ve left untouched.

“Were you gonna eat that?” You shake your head and push the tray a little towards her.

“It’s all yours.” Kate smiles at you and picks up the muffin. Somewhere in the background you’re aware that Fern and Lu are speaking, but you lose the ability to focus on anything else as you watch Kate’s fingers peeling the muffin liner off, and you can’t help but watch as she breaks off a piece of the muffin and brings it to her mouth.

You snap yourself out of the daydream you’ve found yourself to rejoin the conversation.

“We can hang out in mine and Fern’s room tonight,” Lu says. “Y/N, you can come hang out too.” You agree and shyly smile. It felt good to finally know you had people who seemed to like having you around.

------------------------

It’s been a few weeks and you’re amazed at how you’ve managed to become such close friends with these girls already.

It’s become routine for you and your friends to hang out most nights after you were all done with your school work. Kate often brings her work with her to hang out with you or one of your other friends beforehand, saying she gets too bored working on her own, and you always let her, glad to be able to spend time with her.

Victoria also likes to show up when you’re all hanging out. You wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for the jabs she’d always throw at Fern and the fact that Lu and Kate seem thrilled by every stupid idea she comes up with. You and Fern always shoot each other glances when she’s talking about doing whatever rebellious act she’s come up with.

You sit by the windowsill and watch Kate apply makeup to Fern’s face while Lu sketches at her desk. Kate leans back to look at Fern and nods in approval.

“Hey, Y/N. Come over here,” she calls to you and you hesitate slightly before standing and walking over to where Kate’s rummaging through her makeup bag. “I think this colour will go great with your eyes.” She grabs out an eyeliner pencil and steps closer to you.

“Get used to this. She does it a lot,” Fern laughs as she moves to sit on her bed. You try to laugh too, despite the internal panic you feel when Kate gently grabs your face with her hand to steady you.

You try to keep your breathing even and hope that Kate doesn’t notice your increased heart rate as she finishes with the eyeliner. She puts the eyeliner down and leans back, smiling at you as her eyes study your face.

“Okay I was right. You look hot.” You feel your cheeks immediately burn and you try to duck your head. Kate picks up some lipstick and holds it out for you. “Now put this on.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit much?” You mumble and Kate rolls her eyes playfully at you.

“Oh, please. Live a little, won’t you?” She steadies your face with her hand again and looks down to your lips as she applies the colour to them. When she’s done, her eyes stay on your lips for a moment before they look back up into yours.

“There,” she speaks softly and you’re not sure if you imagine the shy expression on her face and the tension that fills the air between the two of you. “You look beautiful.”

Before you can respond, Victoria barges into the room and successfully ruins whatever moment you think could have been happening between you and Kate.

“Kate, pass me that lip colour. I’m going to get the school key from Peter today so I have to look my best.”

“Wait, you were serious about that?” Fern questions as Kate hands her the lipstick.

“Of course I was. We’ve got to have a little fun and rebellion while we’re here, don’t we?” You and the other girls all look between each other, and when she’s met with silence, Victoria looks up from the mirror and raises her eyebrows at you with an exasperated look.

“Come on.” She smirks at Kate and steps closer to her. “Kate. It’s your senior year. Surely you want to have a little fun, right?” It only takes a few seconds before Kate is nodding and grinning in Victoria’s direction.

“Yeah, if you get the key we’ll go.” Victoria squeals in excitement before practically running out of the room. Kate turns back around to face you all again, offering Fern a sheepish grin when the other girl glares at her lightly.

“You really want me to get expelled during my first semester here, huh?” Kate chuckles and even Fern giggles a little and shakes her head.

“It’ll work out fine,” Lu reassures you from her seat at her desk.

“Hey, maybe if we go to the fair we’ll see the guys from the all boys school,” Kate beams as she wiggles her eyebrows. “You know I love it when we run into them.” You’ve heard a lot of these kind of comments about guys from Kate over the last few weeks, but it still makes your heart sink every time.

“I swear you’re the horniest person in this entire school,” Fern jokes and Kate shrugs.

“What can I say? I know what I like.”

You head back to where you’d been sitting near Lu before. You let out a quiet sigh and try to ignore the conversation that continues, zoning out as you stare blankly at the floor. You miss the way Lu looks from you to Kate, a curious look on her face.

------------------------

You’re completely lost in your daydream as you rest your head on your hand, staring at Kate from your seat near the back of the classroom. Recognising that you have a pretty heavy crush on someone you consider a close friend, you’d decided to try to distance yourself slightly from Kate, at least until you can figure out what the hell to do to deal with your feelings. But you still continued to catch yourself with your eyes glued to her, watching her every move.

This time, though, you’re shaken from your daydream when Lu nudged you from the seat next to you. You quickly take your eyes from Kate and look to Lu.

“You okay?” She speaks in a hushed tone, trying not to gain any attention from the class.

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” You try to offer a convincing smile but she clearly doesn’t buy it.

“Really? ‘Cause I swear you haven’t taken your eyes off Kate the entire lesson.”

Your cheeks immediately turn red and you clear your throat, trying to gather your thoughts.

“No I haven’t.” Lu shoots you an incredulous look and a teasing smile shows up on her face.

“Oh yeah? What has Mr Middlewood been going on about this entire lesson, then?”

“Uh.” You glance quickly around the classroom, trying to find anything that will give you the answer but finding nothing. “Shakespeare?”

“Not even close.” You sigh and Lu’s eyes soften as she continues to watch you. “What’s on your mind?” You hesitate to speak and let your gaze settle back on Kate for another moment.

“The guys Kate was talking about. She’s with one of them?” You try to speak nonchalantly but you’re not entirely sure how convincingly you’re pulling it off.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I’ve seen her fool around with one of them a few times at some parties we’ve gone to, but I don’t think they’re actually together.”

“Right.” You nod and feel any hope you had left completely vanish. Lu studies you a little longer as you stare at your desk and your brow furrows slightly, completely lost in thought.

“You like her, don’t you?” She presents it as a question, though when your eyes snap up to meet hers you have a feeling she’s figured it all out anyway.

“What? No!” You speak in a defensive tone, much louder than you had intended, and almost the entire class turns to face you at your outburst. You try to make yourself appear smaller, offering Mr Middlewood an apologetic smile before he continues his lesson.

Shorty after, the bell rings and you stand up. Lu places a hand on your arm to get your attention.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. We don’t have to talk about it. But you know I’m here if you decide you want to, okay?” You see Kate starting to make her way over to you and Lu, so you quickly grab your things and look back to Lu.

“Okay.” You smile and nod at her. “I will. Thanks Lu.” She nods and lets you leave before Kate reaches your seat.

------------------------

Your interactions with Kate go kind of like this over the next few days. If you’re in a group setting, you tend to sit away from Kate, as much as you really would like to sit right next to her. If Kate asks to come by your room to study with you, you always come up with some excuse for her not to, and you’ve even gotten yourself out of some group plans too. Though very likely irrational, you figure it’s the best decision to keep your distance until your feelings fade.

On the day you're all meant to sneak out to the fair using the key Victoria had, the possibility of running into those guys comes to mind and you really try to get out of going.

“You absolutely have to come with us,” Lu says. You’re in your room, sitting on your bed while Fern sits at the chair by your desk and Lu stands.

“Yeah,” Fern says. “I’m meant to be helping Peter with his paper, so if they’re making me come then you have to as well.” You look at both of them as Kate and Victoria walk in through your open door. Kate leans on your desk and Victoria stands by the door.

“Well? Are we ready to go?” She looks at you all impatiently and Fern and Lu shoot you a look before you let out a sigh, standing.

“Yeah, let’s go.” You grab your jacket and you all head out, sneaking out of the building easily and starting the walk down the long road towards the fair.

“Hey.” You turn your head to find Kate walking beside you. She offers you a smile, which you return. “Where’ve you been hiding lately?”

“Oh, I’ve been around.” It feels wrong to not talk to Kate in the usual way you would, but she just seems glad to be talking to you now, smiling even wider at you before bumping her shoulder into yours lightly.

“Well, we’ve missed you.” You continue to walk side by side and you let yourself smile at Kate’s words.

When you reach the fair, you all grow more excited and you actually let yourself have some fun with your friends. Of course, this doesn’t as long as you’d hoped, as you hear Kate squeal in excitement before she’s running towards a group of boys. You and the other girls follow her and when she jumps at one of the guys and kisses him you try to act as unaffected as possible.

They decide to run off to the ferris wheel, leaving everyone else behind. You had already at some point lost Victoria and Fern makes it obvious that she wants to go off on her own somewhere too as she backs away from you and Lu, so you both wave her off and Lu turns to you.

“We should probably go make sure she’s gonna be okay over there.” She tilts her head in the direction of the ferris wheel and you sigh and nod at her begrudgingly. By the time you two stand in front of the ferris wheel, Kate is already cheering and yelling across the fair and you look up as the guy next to her pulls her closer and they kiss again.

“So that’s the guy, huh?” You struggle to keep your tone light as you watch the scene before you.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You shrug a shoulder and laugh dryly. “Of course the girl I like has to be straight.”

“Yeah. I think I kinda know that feeling too.” Your head turns fast as you look at Lu, and she just shrugs at you before explaining. “I’ve been finding out some stuff about myself recently too, I think. I’m sure you get it.” She gestures back towards the ferris wheel where Kate is cheering again, and you can’t help the smile that grows on your face at the sound of her laughter.

“You really like her,” Lu observes and you let out a deep sigh.

“Not that it matters.” You see some tables not far from you and point towards them. “Should we sit down and wait? We’ve clearly got a lot to discuss about you, too.” You smirk at her when she suddenly gets nervous and the two of you make your way to one of the tables.

------------------------

You and Lu are given a good amount of time to sit and talk before Kate comes over, stumbling as she stops in front of the table.

“Hey there, pretty ladies,” she says in greeting, slumping down into an empty chair and grinning widely.

“Oh god, Kate. How much did you end up drinking and smoking?” Lu wears a tired expression, probably already preparing herself for the walk home and getting Kate back into the school safely and quietly in her state.

“Mm, I don’t know.” Kate scrunches her forehead in thought for a moment before a cheeky grin takes over her face. “But, god, I forgot how great a kisser he is. We need to sneak out more often.” She bites her lip as you assume she thinks about the boy whose tongue was just down her throat, and it’s enough for you to abruptly stand up. Both Lu and Kate look at you.

“I’m gonna go find Fern and Victoria so we can head back.” Lu gives you a sad kind of smile and nods and you turn and walk away.

Thankfully Fern and Victoria were already walking together in search of you, so it didn’t take long before you were all walking backwards the school. Unfortunately for all of you, the weather decided to mirror what you were feeling, and so it absolutely poured as you all shuffled together miserably along the side of the road.

“Kate, stop walking out onto the road. No one’s going to stop for us.” Lu pulls Kate back to the side of the road, having already done so several times. Kate pouts and huffs heavily as she falls into step next to you.

“God, this is miserable,” you hear her mumble before she presses herself into your side and you let her for a moment, quietly enjoying the warmth she brings.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” you mutter, gently moving yourself away from her body. At the sudden loss of warmth, she looks to you in question.

“Are you okay?” She eventually asks. You keep your eyes facing straight ahead and you nod dismissively.

“Yeah.”

Kate opens her mouth to speak again but Lu obviously picks up on what’s going on, slotting herself between you and Kate and allowing you room to walk next to Fern. She offers you a reassuring smile that you aren’t quite expecting from her and then grabs your arm so you can both provide each other some warmth, walking in this position the rest of the way back.

------------------------

The next morning you’re sitting in the dining hall with Lu and Fern, finishing up with your breakfast when Kate takes the seat next to you.

“God, I think I’m paying for last night a little,” she runs a hand through her messy hair and picks up the mug that’s sitting on her tray. “This coffee better bring me back to life.” Before the conversation of last night can even continue, you stand up and grab your empty tray.

“Alright girls, I’m out of here.” You wave and begin to walk away before Kate pulls the mug away from her lips and calls your name to stop you.

“Did you want to maybe hang out later and watch a movie or something? It’s been a while.” She looks hopeful and you come close to saying yes, but instead force a smile onto your face.

“Uh, I’ve got a paper I really need to work on. Maybe some other time?” Her face drops a little and she nods at you as you turn to leave.

Kate turns to Lu and Fern who are both sitting silently.

“What’s up with her? She’s been acting so weird the last few days.” Kate pouts and looks at her friends, who both share a glance. “What?”

“Nothing.” Kate eyes her friends suspiciously.

“Okay, well that was an obvious lie. What is it?” Lu bites her lip, clearly unsure of what to do. “Come on, Lu.” She sighs and shoots a light glare at Kate.

“Okay, fine. Don’t tell her I told you this.” She pauses and Kate gestures for her to continue talking. “Y/N kinda has a pretty major crush on you so I think she’s just trying to distance herself a bit so she can deal with it,” Lu blurts out and Kate’s eyes widen at her.

“Wait. Y/N has a crush on me?”

“Uh, yeah dude. It’s pretty obvious. Even I figured it out,” Fern chuckles and Kate furrows her brow and blinks.

“I didn’t even know she was into girls,” she mumbles to herself. “But I don’t get it, that’s why she’s been acting weird with me?”

“Well, yeah.” Lu shrugs one shoulder at Kate as if it should have been obvious. “I mean, you’ve talked about guys almost non-stop, and you hooked up with that guy last night. She’s just trying to spare her own feelings by having some distance from you.”

Kate tilts her head. “What do you mean? How will that spare her feelings?”

“Well, you’re straight. So she knows you can’t reciprocate her feelings.” A beat of silence falls over the table and all three girls feel the weight of it. “Wait. You are straight, right?”

------------------------

You sit in Mr Middlewood’s class next to Lu, trying to focus on the lesson. ‘Trying’ being the keyword. You’ve caught Kate more than a handful of times trying to subtly look at you over her shoulder. Again, ‘trying’ being the keyword. She definitely wasn’t the most subtle person you’ve ever met.

“What’s she doing?” You whisper when you catch her gaze again before she quickly looks away.

Lu looks up from her book. “What’s who doing?”

“Kate. She keeps looking over here. Plus, I swear I haven’t heard her flirt with Mr Middlewood once this whole lesson.”

“Oh. I hadn’t noticed.” Kate looks over yet again and looks back the other way, and you continue to watch her in confusion.

“See. She just did it again.” Lu remains silent and a thought suddenly hits you. “You didn’t tell her, did you?” You look at Lu and she instantly becomes a stuttering mess, avoiding your eyes.

“Um..”

“Lu! Are you serious!” You hiss, avoiding calling attention to yourself in the middle of class again.

“I’m sorry!” Lu tries. “She knew something was up so-“

“So you just told her? Oh my god.” You drop your face in your hands and thankfully hear the bell ring, standing and grabbing your books. You completely avoid looking in Kate’s direction again.

“I’ll see you later?” Lu asks hopefully with a sheepish smile on her face.

“We’ll see. I haven’t decided if I’m gonna kill you or not yet.” You glare at her as you walk away but you both know you likely won’t stay mad at her for long. Trying to dart through the hallway as quickly as you can, you’re stopped by a hand on your elbow and you turn to find exactly who you weren’t really wanting to see right now.

“Y/N.” Kate says carefully.

“Uh, hey Kate.” Her hand stays on your arm, but she brings it further down to your forearm.

“Are you headed to your room?” You nod. “Mind if I walk you?” She smiles at you, but you note that it lacks the playful kind of confidence her smiles usually carry.

You hesitate for a moment but decide you might as well have whatever conversation you need to have with her and get it over with.

“Uh, sure.” She nods gratefully to you and drops her hand from your arm as you begin to walk side by side towards your room. As you walk, the continued silence between the two of you makes you increasingly more nervous, going over scenarios in your head of what Kate might want to talk to you about.

Reaching your door, you turn to Kate who still hasn’t said a word since you started walking. “Thanks for walking me here. I guess I’ll see you-“

“Is it okay if I come in for a minute? I kinda wanted to talk to you.” Her body looks pretty tense and she’s acting so unlike how she normally does that you feel a sinking feeling wash over you, expecting the worst.

She doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I fucked it up, you think to yourself.

“Yeah, okay,” you manage, opening the door for her to walk through. You close you eyes tightly for a moment and breathe, keeping your emotions at bay before you follow Kate into your room.

You silently watch her as she paces the floor of your room a few times, deciding on taking a seat at the edge of your bed. Her knee bounces and she looks anywhere but at you. You take another breath to try and calm yourself down before you finally can’t take it anymore.

“Alright Kate, let’s just get this over with.” She looks up to meet your eyes, confusion across her face.

“Get this over with?” You shoot her a slightly exasperated look.

“Come on. I know Lu told you.” Kate bites her lip and drops her eyes, and normally you’d find it cute but this whole conversation seems to have you on edge. “You don’t want to be friends anymore,” you state as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Kate’s head snapping back up to look at you sends you a different message, though.

“Wait, what? That’s what you think I want?”

“Well, yeah.” You feel less sure of yourself after Kate’s reaction, your tone less aggressive. “This stupid crush has obviously made things too awkward now.”

“That’s not it at all. The opposite, actually.” Kate seems to find some of her confidence again and she sits a little straighter, sounds a bit more sure of herself.

“What do you mean?” Kate pats the spot on the bed next to her, waiting for you to join her before she speaks.

“Since I first met you, there’s always been something pulling me towards you. It’s confused me for a while now, but I never really thought about it too much. And I don’t think I realised what it was until Lu told me that you liked me.” Kate’s eyes stare into yours and she looks nervous, maybe even scared, but she takes a deep breath to steady herself before grabbing your hand.

“I’m an idiot for not realising it sooner.” She places a hand on your cheek and strokes it softly with the pad of her thumb, her eyes travelling your face.

“Kate?”

Hearing your voice brings Kate out of the trance she had found herself in, her eyes meeting yours again before she slowly leans her head towards yours. You somehow find the confidence to meet her halfway, her soft lips pressing against your own.

Your first kiss is light and you only pull back for a tiny moment before Kate lets go of your hand to pull you in closer by the waist. Your second kiss is all smiles and quiet laughter and you eventually have to pull back when you’re both grinning too wide for the kiss to continue.

Catching your breath, your eyes move from Kate’s grin up to her stunning eyes.

“So, you don’t want to stop being friends with me then?” Kate chuckles and shakes her head at you.

“Okay, forget what I said before. You’re the idiot.” Your mouth falls open only with mild offence before Kate’s pulling you towards her again.

[1dreality]

Zayn Malik was never the celebrity you thought he was. If it wasn’t already obvious from his detached, often melancholic interviews in the wake of his 2015 departure from One Direction, it will be from the title of his second solo album. The very elongated 27-track Icarus Falls is comprised of more of the sparse R&B that Malik has perfected since his first release Mind of Mine in 2016, but like its titular myth is also indebted to themes of incredible ascent and crushing decline.

A decline not of Malik’s career, it should be said, but rather of his own mental health, the album serving as both an intimate meditation on Malik’s life so far and a dire warning about the trauma of instant fame. It all leads to one obvious question: Is Zayn OK?

In an age of millennial openness and Instagram confessionals, Malik remains something of an outlier: an enormously famous and highly visible celebrity, but one whose ambiguity allows us to project much onto him. In our collective consciousness, he has been the 1D-fleeing villain, smoking cigarettes, being mean to his bandmates on Twitter and looking miserable as well as the “soft boy” pin-up, a vulnerable figure in desperate need of a hug.

Much of that ambiguity is intentional. Along with declining to tour Mind of Mine, Malik is often press-shy, choosing not to take part in TV sit-downs or play the social media game in an era in which somebody like Ariana Grande spends much of the waking day interacting with her fans on Twitter and Instagram.

And while Malik has been open about some of his past struggles, including his battle with an eating disorder at the height of his One Direction fame and consistent difficulties with anxiety, they’re often revelations that feel accidental in nature. We learn of them during an unexpected moment of truth-telling between him and a journalist, the subject quickly changed soon after, or through lyrics that are just descriptive enough to imply deep truths. Even talking about his anxiety in an essay for Time Magazine felt like a necessary course-correction after a string of cancelled gigs led to unflattering rumours about his health in the press.

Whether Malik’s public persona is intended as a protective mask or not, it is still difficult, particularly in the wake of Icarus Falls, not to feel something for him. After all, his jump from a working-class kid to an international superstar worth a reported $50 million, practically overnight, is the sort of trajectory most of us would struggle with at the age of 40, let alone at 17 when Malik auditioned for The X Factor.

Icarus Falls doesn’t cover any new sonic ground for Malik as an artist. It sees him return to the same well of threadbare, silky R&B that helped Mind of Mine easily trounce his fellow One Direction bandmates in the “best first solo record” stakes. But it does whirr with a noticeable sadness, Malik repeatedly mourns the peace of his pre-X Factor past and beats himself up for mistakes he feels that he’s made since. And when he speaks of emotional pain, it often sounds not like something confined to history, but rather something he’s dealing with every day.

“I’d rather be anywhere but here,” he sings on Good Years. “I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears / I pray to God I didn’t waste all my good years.” On Insomnia: “I’ve been roaming and strolling all in the streets / Burning my eyes red, not slept for weeks.” On Back to Life: “I been flying so long / Can’t remember what it was like to be sober.” On Satisfaction: “Nobody said this would be easy / Nobody gave me a rule book to follow.”

Even typical love songs are fatalistic in nature, talk of Armageddon running through both Flight of the Stars (“I will follow / Hold you close standing on the edge of no tomorrow”) and Tonight (“Love me like tomorrow’s never gonna come”), while much of the album nods to an unnamed great love in Malik’s life that he needs to overcome incredible odds to be with – nothing new for love songs, but given a greater weight when paired with his statements over the years. Because if we know anything about Zayn Malik, it’s that he often can’t stand being Zayn Malik.

Through much of the little press he has done, Malik has expressed unease with most of the trappings of fame, particularly the assumptions that he ought to be personable and friendly with industry figures or musical collaborators. And when it comes to One Direction, he still appears burnt by the experience. While he told Vogue in November that he has recently been able to see his time with the band as “an amazing experience,” despite the “bulls---” of what he refers to as “the machine,” he also told GQ in June that he didn’t make any actual friends during the peak of his fame: “I definitely have issues trusting people.”

In the numerous articles that pop up every winter recalling how good The X Factor used to be, clips are embedded that showcase many of its most memorable contestants, and every year it becomes that bit more shocking how much One Direction looked like children during their time on the show. The scrawny limbs, those Justin Bieber haircuts, the awkward school-talent-show bopping and shuffling. It somehow worked, enough at least to turn them into a tween phenomenon, but in hindsight it’s indefensible that they were pushed as significantly as they were.

There was always something deer-in-the-headlights about the band in its early days, a sense that at least a few of them had been pulled along for the ride as opposed to having a firm grip on the steering wheel. The hunger so visible in pop bands of similar notoriety, whether manufactured or not, wasn’t always visible – and while all of them have transitioned into stable adults who are, for the most part, comfortable in the spotlight, their jarringly different responses to fame remain clear.

It’s important to remember, for context’s sake, that Malik was always a reluctant star. Only attending his original X Factor audition after being guilted by his mother into waking up early and making the journey there, he was, in his own words to The Fader, “a lazy teen”. And even during the audition stages, he expressed reluctance to properly join in, walking off stage during a choreography rehearsal and having to be coaxed to go back. At the time, Malik’s reaction registered as a petulant strop, but now feels oddly prescient.

Of Malik’s One Direction bandmates, Harry Styles was always the most naturally inclined to superstardom – such an affable schmoozer and networker that it was quickly no longer surprising to see images of him palling around with Mick Jagger or Stevie Nicks. Liam Payne always bore the personality of someone very eager to be seen, lack of self-awareness very much included, while the perpetually chipper Niall Horan has always simply appeared very, very happy to be there. But both Malik and Louis Tomlinson have often visibly struggled, uninspired by the more performative and fraudulent elements of celebrity, or the levels of attention handed to them by Simon Cowell and co.

“What I really can’t ever get used to, or really enjoy, are these super geared-up celebrity parties,” Tomlinson told Noisey last year. “No one actually cares. You see people who are beyond self-absorbed, and that’s why it can be a dangerous place.”

Malik has echoed similar sentiments. “I don’t work well in group situations, with loads of people staring at me,” he told GQ. “And when you say ‘star’… everyone wants you to be this kind of character that owns a room or is overly arrogant or confident. I’m not that guy, so I don’t want to be a star.”

What’s odd is that, for all his claims, Malik does bear all the superficial trappings of modern stardom. He’s a fashion darling but is permanently magnetised to the covers of cool indie magazines. Furthermore, his on-again/off-again relationship with supermodel Gigi Hadid has, since 2015, become a Generation Z equivalent of Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder in its aesthetic-heavy, era-defining popularity.

But Malik is also simultaneously detached. The GQ profile, his most extensive recent interview, bears all the hallmarks of a journalist struggling to fulfil a word count because of an uncommunicative subject, writer Carrie Battan even expresses Malik’s tendency to reply to her questions in “friendly but anodyne one-liners.” Like the very best of pop idols, from Britney to Beyoncé, Malik is so compelling principally because he’s so hard to read. But this can also be a poisoned chalice: every expression of doubt or self-pity determined to be a cry for help, every revelation shaping an image that may or may not be real.

It means that listening to Icarus Falls isn’t an entirely joyous experience, Malik’s lyrics painting a picture of a young man still working through the discomfort of his sudden fame and the trauma of a moment in the spotlight marred by illness and fractured relationships, many of its scars still visible today. But it’s also a record that you can’t help but admire as a result, especially if it serves as a form of catharsis for him.

In the decade since Britney Spears was forcibly taken to the hospital surrounded by hundreds of paparazzi photographers, our collective relationship with the idea of fame has greatly altered, particularly for a generation who watched Amy Winehouse essentially die before their eyes. The one beneath them are currently coming to terms with a raft of recent pop star crises, from Demi Lovato’s overdose to the deaths of artists like Mac Miller and Lil Peep.

For all the obvious charms in Malik’s life, from his incredible fortune to a kind of artistic freedom that he never had in One Direction, you’d have to be particularly cold not to feel empathy for the sheer strangeness of his adult existence; a world of rampant, maddening attention that has historically led even the strongest of stars into tragedy.

The Zayn Malik of today is a little bruised, a little listless, his magazine profiles never complete without references to the cloud of marijuana smoke that lingers around him, or his need to lock himself away from the world. It doesn’t sound like the most ideal of outcomes for a man who calls himself a pop idol Icarus and sings with whispery detachment that he has “[flown] too close to the sun.” But we can only hope that it at least serves as a parachute.

[1000-directions]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

tagged by @imlouisaf <3

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

o jeez, they were all really short but i published 14 stories on ao3 altogether

even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right

spinning on that dizzy edge

a praise chorus

lay your hands over me (written before everything else on this list but posted to ao3 months later as a backdated work)

baby, here we go again

i don’t care, i’m not scared

amsterdam without you

show me you can handle this

girl crush

she’s a good girl

see where this thing goes

boy, make me believe

are you that somebody?

part of your world

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

this is hard because i’m proud of different stories for different reasons. some of these i just never would have thought i was capable of writing, and that feels awesome. but i’m going to go with even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right. writing this felt like torture sometimes, and by the time i published it, i’d spent so much time up close inside it that i couldn’t tell if there was anything good or redeemable about it at all, and i was embarrassed to even show it to anyone else. but when i read it now, i’m really pleased with it. i like the different relationships in the story, i like my use of flashbacks to sketch in backstory, i like the way louis and eleanor use sex in different ways to illustrate the complexity of their relationship. i love the interplay between past and present, and i think overall it has more emotional complexity than anything else i’ve written. i poured a lot of myself into it, and it sucked, and it was hard, but i’m so happy with how it turned out. also, i got some really amazing feedback about it, especially from people who were not sold on the idea of real-life elounor but found this portrayal sympathetic. i really loved being able to change some people’s minds and get them excited about louis’ real relationship.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

lol fuckin spinning on that dizzy edge 😩😩 my most kudos-ed work currently and probably forever, rip me. it’s not even a story, it’s literally just me describing louis in two different outfits, i think it took like an hour to write, it’s just...not...anything? i know that i’m too hard on this story, but actually, i’m nOT!!!

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

i do like this little paragraph from boy, make me believe, part of the louis/bebe truckstop au.

She didn’t know it could be like this. When she’d imagined her sexual future, she always thought it would be the same sort of adequate sex she’d been having before, just with progressively older guys, until she married one of them, and then they’d get older together. She’s only ever been with boys, is the thing, and Louis is such a man that’s she giddy with it. He has a job and a family and a kid. He knows a trade, and he lives alone in his own house, and he can fix mostly anything. He’s muscular and strong, and he smells like beer and cigarettes most nights. He’s all grown up and self-sufficient, and he knows who he is and what he wants. And he wants to worship her, and he knows how to do that, too. She didn’t know there would be gentleness. She didn’t know there would be selflessness. She didn’t know that being manly could still leave so much room for being soft.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

you know, it’s so funny to look at the kudos counts for the truckstop au, because they’re so much lower than i realized. and that’s because every comment i’ve gotten on that series has been so thoughtful and excited and loving and kind that it makes me forget that that series is SUPER NICHE and almost no one read it. but the people who did read it were just amazing and supportive, and even just a handful of people buying into that world and getting excited about it and talking shit out with me in the comments and helping me develop that world more and consider things differently than i had before, it was really just the best most rewarding thing.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

every second of writing that pig dog story was torture, especially as the deadline loomed closer and i still had almost none of it written. and also especially because i was really inspired at that time to work on my louis/briana story, but i didn’t have time, and i resented having to work on this one instead. i reread it today, and i swear it’s the first time i’ve actually even liked it. writing that story was brutal.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

writing two stories with harry as a narrator was a weird surprise. i really love writing through or about louis. i’ll read lots of different pairings, but it’s hard for me to get excited about writing a story that doesn’t involve louis. so i really didn’t expect to enjoy writing my hamille stories so much, but that’s been such a fun relationship to explore, and i expect i will write more of them next year.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

my philosophy this year has mostly been to only write what i want to write, and i mean both in terms of pairings and in terms of actual content. i don’t like writing plot and backstory and worldbuilding and all that shit, so i just...stopped. and i really focused in on the bits that i do like, the internal monologues and little scraps of dialogue and emotions and sensations, and i think it made my writing sharper and more concentrated. i think i reduced a lot of filler this year and really focused on writing undiluted, strong emotions and metaphors. if something was boring or dragging, i skipped it. i know that’s not for everyone, but it many writing much more enjoyable for me personally.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i would like to try some new pairings. this is weird, but i’ve never really written a true nouis story? it feels like i should have, but i haven’t, and that’s something i wouldn’t mind tackling next year. also, when i first started out, i didn’t feel comfortable leaving canon behind because i worried that i didn’t have a strong enough grip on my characters yet, and i feared that if i started writing AUs or whatever, my characters would become unrecognizable. but i’d like to keep venturing out and trying new worlds and tropes. i want to write more trans characters. i’d like to write an ace fic. i’d like to bring my eye to things i haven’t written before and see what happens.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

jeez, everyone? you know what, i’m gonna go ahead and single out @alligatornyc as someone who doesn’t write but is such a positive and uplifting reader. if you get on her good side, she will make you feel like the greatest person who ever wrote a single word, and that is such a rare and wonderful gift. @mildlymaddy is also really phenomenal about showering her friends with amazing comments and feedback. @queerlyalex more than anyone else i’ve ever known is just...super positive about encouraging people to be creative and do whatever makes them happy, and they are so celebratory about whatever you end up producing.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

louis’ depression in even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right is my depression. also, this from see where this thing goes is 100% me dropping out of school and being ashamed to tell most of the people in my life:

“Do you figure you’re going to head back home?” Jay asked when they were both finished eating, and Bebe imagined what that would be like, to give up after so much planning. She remembered the going away party they had thrown for her at the old diner, the balloons and the cake and the card they’d all signed for her and the gas station gift card they’d all chipped in for, only forty bucks but it melted her heart that they’d all believed in her and wanted her to go off and be a big star. She couldn’t go home. She couldn’t face those people again until she became someone, and her eyes welled up with tears just thinking about it.

“I can’t go back there,” Bebe had said.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

there is room for you to write the kind of stories you want to write. you don’t have to follow those “avoid these writing mistakes” posts that drive me fucking crazy. show don’t tell? who cares. if you wanna tell, then tell, it’s your story. people get very focused on word count and writing every day and forming proper habits, and if that works for you, good, and if that doesn’t work for you, that’s good, too. if forcing yourself to write every day makes you feel shitty and inadequate, then don’t do it. if writing when you’re uninspired feels bad, don’t do it. you don’t have to do this the way everyone else does. you’re doing this FOR FREE. it should feel good. if you’re not enjoying it, figure out a way to do it differently.

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

louis/bucky barnes is a thing, and it is happening, and i am getting really excited about it. louis/briana is happening. cis girls hamille is probably happening. more truckstop au will hopefully be happening. trans louis is theoretically happening, but that one is only just starting to coalesce in my mind. and once louis’ album drops, i’m sure way more elounor will be happening.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

i hATE TAGGING 😩 if we are mutuals and you wanna do this, tag you’re it! please tag me in your response. if we aren’t mutuals are you wanna do this, tag you’re it! please tag me in your response. fair warning tho this thing takes F O R E V E R to do

[rikirachtman]

Tagged again for another one of these things by @jessyulrich. Thanks for all the tags dude! It gives me something to do on this blog, and I’m prone to oversharing personal information about myself lmao, so these little surveys are actually pretty fun to do

What’s your favorite musical? To be totally honest I really am not a fan of musicals generally. I respect the immense amount of work that goes into creating them, but if I want a movie/play I’ll watch a movie/play, and if I want music I’ll listen to music, so the narrative of the movie/play half of the musical being constantly interrupted by showtunes bothers me sometimes (also have this problem with one-song-per-episode shows like Phineas & Ferb). That said, Dr. Horrible was awesome in a campy way

How do you get to sleep? Not really in any one specific way, it always involves a lot of tossing and turning though

What happened at the last party you went to? My own birthday party in March, which was my first birthday party since I turned 10, and it was absolutely wonderful. None of the six people who came really talk to me any more but I’m very grateful they did come

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Nope

What’s your hair like at this present moment? Post-shower wetness is freezing my neck to the bone

Are you more comfortable sitting or lying down? Laying down

What’s the worst film you’ve ever seen? I mean, what do we mean by “worst film”? If you mean “just plain bad”, then stuff like The Room and Birdemic and shit, but those are ENTERTAININGLY bad and I love them for it (think “the Ride to Hell: Retribution of cinema”). The types of films I consider truly “bad” are uninspired, boring, bland flicks that we’ve seen a hundred times before, even if they’re produced and acted well (think “The Call of Duty of cinema”).

Are you an untidy person? 

Definitely, things just get messier and messier over the course of weeks until I can’t take it and have to clean stuff up for my OCD’s sake

Have you ever been a fan of *NSYNC? Ha definitely not, though my dad allegedly partied with JC Chavez in Vegas once

Do you watch a lot of television? Not a lot, but a decent bit. Never really TELEVISION though, it’s usually Netflix and/or an illegal streaming site because Netflix in Canada sucks and has no shows pffft

Do you think you’re fat sometimes? Yeah except for the “sometimes” part. Working on it though, I’ve dropped from 172 pounds to around 150-155 recently, just a matter of not eating constantly like I used to, and going for runs every night. It’s really difficult to stick to it but I’m trying

Do you like to flex your muscles? I have, like, negative muscles so

Do you think you’ll ever get plastic surgery?                                                     No, as much as I dislike my appearance, I couldn’t do that

Have you ever completely misunderstood what somebody was saying?       Every single time I have a conversation

Favorite kind of cake: Chocolate and carrot are always good

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last? A girl

Name something you are doing tomorrow? Probably sleeping but that’s about all I have planned

Do you sleep on your stomach? Half the time, yeah

Where are you going to be at 4 PM tomorrow? 99% chance that I’ll be in my room, MAYBE I’ll go for a walk or something

Last time you saw fireworks, with whom & where? My mom tells me there was a time when I was like 4 and some fireworks scared the fuck out of me, so it was probably then (this was in Maryland)

Are you missing someone? Just saying “yes” is kind of an understatement honestly, but yes

Do you like horror or comedy? Both, it just depends. I like comedy of just about all kinds, horror I’m more picky with (I love mysteries and supernatural horror, psychological horror can be good if I’m feeling mentally prepared for it, but horror based on gore and guts is terribly uninteresting to me)

Who did you last share a taxi with? I mean, not including the driver, I think there was a time about a year and a half ago where me and a couple friends got a ride from this really cool Jamaican cab driver

Dogs or cats? Both

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon? Math work in preparation for school

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I’m not entirely sure I’ll be alive in 3 months eheh (ironically BECAUSE I’m so lonely), but I’d like to think so

What’s your favorite season? Why?  Winter. The cold air, the soft snow, the cloudy/milky skies, the calm serenity of it all. It’s a beautiful time of year

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? I tend to give as much change as I can to any homeless folks around town who approach me asking for it. A few nights ago a guy told me he needed just a few cents, and I didn’t have change, just a $20 bill. I really, really, really needed the $20 so I told the poor guy I had no money, and I’m still beating myself up for doing that, imagine how happy he’d have been if I’d given him twenty dollars. I hope he found the money he needed

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? One from a tumblr friend I have, actually. Waking up to see someone messaged you is always really nice

Who was the last person you hugged? I truthfully couldn’t tell you, it’s been so long. Since I was rather young, I think the only people who’ve ever hugged me are my mom and one friend of mine who sadly doesn’t talk to me anymore. The few hugs I’ve had in my life felt really really good, but I wouldn’t wish having to touch me on my worst enemy eheh, so people tend to avoid it if they can

Do you think you would be a good parent? I’d really like to think so, I’m terrified that I wouldn’t be though

When was the last time you cried? A few hours ago

Who was driving the last time you were in a car? My mom

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Mentally but physically nothing really hurts

Do you like your bed? It’s decently sized so I’m happy to have it, I just wish I had a bed frame instead of a mattress on the floor sometimes eheh

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Not to my knowledge, I certainly hope I haven’t though

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? Through Facebook, a week ago. In real life, not since maybe a little under a year ago?

Do you ever want to know who you are going to marry? Yeah, I don’t know if I’ll make it to “marriage age” like I said, but it’d be really nice to know. I keep thinking I finally found the one and then it ends, and I don’t think my heart can take any more of that, so I’d like to know

How much cash do you have on you? Usually some change if I have any, but seldom more than ten dollars (the twenty was a rarity).

Are you tanned? No, my body is kind of in different stages of paleness (my face is the most tan part because of exposure to the sun, followed by my arms due to occasional exposure to the sun, then everything else is milk-white lmao)

Did you get any compliments today? Yes, it made my day a lot better

Have you ever gone to court? No

Do you get jealous easily? H  o o oo oo o oo ly fuck I feel raging jealousy constantly. I’m the most envious, bitter little person I’ve ever known

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? I’d need to learn how to swim first eheh but I think that would be fun, anxiety notwithstanding

What are you doing Saturday? Also no clue, probably also sitting around

What is in your back pocket? Nothing, wearing pajamas without back pockets

What were you doing at 3 AM this morning? Asleep, incredibly enough, since I’m usually wide awake at that hour

What do you usually do first in the morning? Try to process what planet I’m on and deal with the dryness in my mouth and eyes that I inexplicably feel upon waking up

Are you any good at math? I’m the absolute w o r s t. If someone shouted “QUICK WHAT’S 1 PLUS 1″ I’d probably actually have to stop and think for a minute

Any plans for Friday night? Shockingly, I will probably also be sitting around not doing anything

Do you have a little crush on someone? Yeah, those feelings are definitely not reciprocated anymore though

How old is the last person you kissed? N/A since I’m still a kissless failure eheh

Why did you kiss the person you last kissed? N/A since I’m still a kissless failure eheh 2: Electric Kissaloo

[sanflwrx]

On the subject of

OTSO: New year, worse me? -- Jan 2024

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. 

Normally, I’m driven, optimistic, and filled with energy. Lately I’ve felt lost and overall just burnt out. Now, I know a large part of it is because I would typically work 60-72 hours a week...but it’s more than just being “over worked”. 

I feel so uninspired. lazy. and filled with self hate. i’ve been calling off work so much..and getting in rather late all the time that the first few hours of work are filled with me berating myself. I used to want to go to FNP school...but now that I’m working more, I don’t want to be more responsible than I already am. As much as I like puzzle pieces, I don’t want to be a part of pushing medications/people into something that’s largely lifestyle choice...or if it’s not...to be a part of something that makes their life worse. what if i don’t catch something? 

I remember that when i was in nursing school, I promised myself that all the things I held back on would be something I would pour some energy on once I was done. Things like learning a new language, getting into a physical or artsy activity, traveling more...but now there’s “no time” for that.

I’ve gained so much weight, haven’t exercised consistently in weeks, and eating healthy has been such a drag...i used to meal prep and exercise even when i worked a lot but living at home where there isn’t any space for me..or that people eat my food when im not home...it’s just too much. 

but i can’t keep looking at how easy it was to be myself when i lived a lone.it’s impractical to do that when rent is so high and i’m hardly home anyway. i was just so happy...what can i do now?

i’ll return to my planner days and stick to a schedule as much as possible...

i can do this.

i can feel like me again.

OTSO: Turning 32-- Oct 2023

Five to six years ago, a woman told me that 32 was the age things started making sense. It wasn’t some magical thing that happened overnight, it wasn’t that at the stroke of midnight on her 32nd birthday things fell into place...no. She just had this gut feeling that she knew who she was and that she had to set boundaries. With boundaries, life made more sense.  I still think about her from time to time, and more so now that I’m turning 32 in two weeks. I just want my life to make sense to me. I left a lot of relationships these last two years.  It was hard giving and knowing that I couldn’t even get the basic sense of respect from them. I grew tired of fighting to be cared for properly so...I left. Abruptly, and without decency or kindness, I left. I did not explain myself...How could I with the betrayal I felt sitting on my chest.  With this said, I do find myself a bit lonelier because of the boundaries I set up. I’m trying to hold on to the adage that with the right person/people I don’t have to ask for the basics.

OTSO: On My Money Hungry Era --May 2023 Can’t tell if I’ve always been like this-- some version of money hungry--but perhaps? I’ve always worked 40+ hours a week, but not consistently as I am now with full-time CHLA and USC, but the hunger now feels different. Are my values still in alignment to as to why I even started doing this?

This thought came up when I was talking to Becca about our R&R hours. We are allotted 8 hours of extra pay between the two of us, but we only claim 2 hours total. I suggested we split it up to maximize the opportunity, and I could hear how money hungry I was. This feeling of shame was solidified when I said “i sound so money hungry right now” and she knodded, saying “yes you do”

The shame feels weird to have because I don’t think I’m money hungry in the same sense I’ve grown up associating this phrase with. I won’t step on others to get what I want, I know that much about myself...but why did I still feel shame? I know I put in more hours in R&R than I claim, and I brought it up to Becca so that we could split the hours...but this lingering taste in my mouth is awful. 

My whys for the money have been: to retire my mom so she can stay home with Sean, send my dad off to the Philippines (if he’d let us), pay off my student loans, and get my dream home. 

My why’s to not burning out show in how patient I am with my patients. How I know I deliver as excellent of care I can in 12 hours. I feel appreciated by pts...but why does the word money hungry still feel weird? why does wanting to go per diem at CHLA to maximize my gains feel so selfish? 

Can a therapist help me answer these questions?

OTSO: Transvaginal Ultrasound-Guided Follicule Aspiration-- Dec. 2022

I found an old file I kept for egg donation when i was 23. I remember how lost I was (with my academic woes, romantic mishaps, filial failures, existential crisis to boot) but also, how gleaming my eyes would get when an opportunity to help someone would arise. I guess I’m still the same, but also, I can easily etch out the differences. 

Crazy to think that almost a decade later that I get to go through this process with someone I’ve gotten close with. Grateful that I know that this is someone who will bring a child into a safe and loving home.

The day to day leading up to TUGFA was a lot harder than I thought it’d be. I felt so much brain fog and emotional instability in taking those hormonal injections. I felt so heavy, inflated, and ugly but also,  I learned so much about myself and all the gratitude that comes with having a body that can at this time. I’m hopeful that out of what was taken from me that at least one will become the baby they’ve hoped for. 

No one’s asked me, but I hope s/he is kind the way I am. Crazy, stupid, foolishly kind because in this way they know that they won’t regret who they are in life (or at least I’m not lol). 

OTSO: Things have its time-- Aug 2022

It almost feels as if life’s coming together. Although it’s not fitting the timeline I expected, nor unfolding at the most opportune way, it’s happening:

+ I get to work at CHLA and not feel so strapped about money

+ I get to work at my dream hospital, Keck USC at Float Pool with my bestie

+ I get to donate my eggs to someone I know truly wants children and would actually be a good mother

Crazy to think that this is what I’ve been wanting for almost a decade and now I get to live the dreams of my younger self. I feel so much gratitude that this is the life I get to live right now. Things really do feel as though they have its time. I wouldn’t have met B had I gotten thru my checklist in order, would never had worked at HUCLA...and yet here we are.

///

Although I would prefer not to move back home with my family like this (the ideal version would be building a house with the opening toward Blue Hill Drive so that I have my own privacy, build equity, yet still be close to my family) I don’t mind it for now. If working 6+ days a week with no concrete time to see Bowen is going to be happen for about 2 years, whats the point of renting out a room that I am hardly in? I’m stubborn about my independence (after all, i worked hard for this) but i wont toss away more money than i already have. I said I would come back in a year...so here’s to being 3 months late, haha

OTSO: Why she want that bag 💰 -- Feb 2022

Once in awhile, a new face will ask an old question: why do you work so hard, or, what will that much money get you, won’t you make a lot of money as a nurse (hahahaha)?

At first I gave the genuine yet generic answer of “to take care of my family”. Yes, all expense paid trips for my family, paying for therapy for everyone at home, paying off my mom’s loans (and more), getting a nurse to come help Sean with ADLs and PT, and sending my dad with help to the Philippines is the golden goal, but what I mean by this is this: I want my expenditures to be so inconsequential that if someone in my home becomes sick, I can be at their bedside as their personal nurse. I want to be able to up and go on hiatus from my job but have streams of steady income so that I can focus my life on what matters to me: my family. 

But this, perhaps more idiosyncratic idealisms that’s inherent in my heart is to work at bedside, to be an educator/resource in my community is the greatest reason of them all. I want a side hustle that pays for me to be a nurse with no worries. I want to be at the bedside/clinic and honestly think to myself, I am here for you, I am not here to put food on the table. I loved working at CHLA for all the reasons except this: I needed money. I want to come back when money ain’t a thing for me.

P39 has been this nagging, pleading, and irrevocably loud voice in my head that permeates into my nightmares--but not in a bad way. It’s triggered the artistic side of me, the intrapreneurial side that conjures up ways to create a shift on the paradigms we have abided by for so long. We can give without it being political/have ulterior motives.This is perhaps my great “why”--to give altruistically in a way that’s my own (although, I won’t say this is what true altruism is).  

I’m going to get that cash, this paradigm is mine. 

OTSO: Baby Names-- April 2020

No one’s really asked, but I’ve been thinking of baby names lately. Specifically, my future baby’s names if I had any. I’ve always liked the name “Maverick”. If you didn't already know, this is a real word which basically means “trailblazer” or “someone who makes their own path”. I hope my child learns early on that while I might guide them as best I can, ultimately their life is theirs to choose and I’ll care for them either way. The other name is Jules/Julie. Simple, pretty, and honestly an extension of me. I’ve had the pleasure of being referred to as a treasure lmao. So if i’m the treasure, my child is the jewel. aka this is just cheesy and I just like the name. welp. honestly naming my child Josephine is an option too. I like my mom’s name, and I love my mom. 

OTSO: Angel-- March 2020

I definitely didn’t think too much of it growing up, but the word “angel” used to get associated with me a lot. 

“She never complains/she’s so helpful/forgiving/kind, what an angel” 

they’d say.

Now, it’s “I used to think that you were such an angel”. I can’t help but feel like I’m a disappointment, or that I’ve fallen so far from grace. 

But if I think about it, that’s not quite how I would define an angel. What I used to be was passive. What I used to be was someone who’s giving wasn’t giving; it was a coping mechanism so I wouldn’t hate myself so much. I kept tally of how much I’ve done, balancing it against yours. My side always needed to weigh a little more.

Nothing was for free.

While I wouldn’t say I’m an angel now (not that I ever did), I can say that I can still be helpful/kind/forgiving, but only at the right times, to the right people. 

Balance is, and always will be, key. 

thxforcomingtoaTEDtalkudidntask4

OTSO: I feel vs I am-- Sept 2019

I firmly believe that the way we speak to ourselves finds its way into the very marrow of our lives. Yesterday, I kept saying “I’m stoopid” in my head. Next thing you know, I scribbled it on the side of paper. I felt so low and despondent over some exterior thing that honestly doesn’t really matter. 

I am healthy and capable, but the “I am’s” I repeated to myself was that which contradicted the truth. The truth is “i feel stupid”. This is different. Feelings are  transient, malleable, fallible, and an impermanent feeling of impairment. “I am’s” stand on its own, even with our eyes closed, backs turned, vulnerable to the opinions of vultures. 

I am someone who has control over my life--what a privilege, one i choose to never take for granted. 

OTSO: Dying alone-- June 2019

Being at a high acuity hospital with terminally ill patients is difficult to say the least, but what hurts the most is to see them suffer alone. I never thought too much about it because of my privilege of being surrounded by friends and family in my health, but a lot of these people have no one--no one visiting them, no one checking up on them, and in some cases, no one to come home to when they’re “better”. 

This has me thinking of my own end of life situation because I’ve always envisioned myself as not wanting to burden anyone (especially financially) with worry, but I didn't think too much about how lonely it would be. 

I know that in love, there is no burden, but there’s still that stubborn, self-centered martyr in me that would probably not tell anyone I was dying of some terminal disease. What do I do? Because now, there’s a part of me that’s scared of experiencing my last days on my own, even if death is an individual experience and funerals are for the living. We are all going to die alone anyway (in a metaphysical sense).

But yeah, I’m not saying I’m going to try to have a family so I don’t die alone, but it’s just a thought. I really want to give better care, not out of pity, but I do think that every life deserves to be cared for, and hopefully, in this process, I learn how to let go of my ego.

[reeses-picks]

EXO’s Don’t Mess Up My Tempo is polished to a fault

EXO is back on familiar ground: their fifth album proper Don’t Mess Up My Tempo is a polished yet middling mishmash of brawny electropop and mid-tempo R&B, accompanied by vocal performances so polished they sometimes border on insentient. The best moments of the album reveal brief glimpses of a human touch, but they are few and far between.

★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

As sad as it is to say, EXO and their fans are no stranger to drama, especially surrounding the makeup of their group. A turbulent 2014 (ironically, the year after their breakthrough) saw two of their four Chinese members sue their management -- megacorporation SM Entertainment -- and their resultant exits from the group; the following year, a third one would leave as well. Coupled with the fandom’s growing distrust with the agency, it is no wonder that EXO-Ls smelled blood in the water when it was announced that Lay -- the only Chinese member left -- would not be participating in the production of and promotion for their fourth album, The War. Also unsurprising is their relief once rumors started swirling that he would return for their 2018 comeback, Don’t Mess Up My Tempo.

What eventually materialized is probably the biggest let-down in recent K-pop history. Lay’s part in the comeback amounted to a split-second cameo in the music video for “Tempo” (he fares better in the Chinese version, but not by much) and a total of five lines on the entire album. Unlike EXO’s previous release, which saw the group embrace the spirit of grand experimentation to varying success, Don’t Mess Up My Tempo bears more resemblance, musically and aesthetically, to their last release with Lay, their third studio album Ex’Act. But while that album saw the boy group settling into their newly mature sound, this attempt feels a lot safer, not to mention a bit dated (which makes sense considering the majority of the songs here were formulated in a writing camp two years ago, right around the time Ex’Act was released).

As standard practice for SM Entertainment artists since the turn of the decade, Don’t Mess Up My Tempo is the product of a collaboration between the Korean artists and a diverse team of international musicians (the agency arguably pioneered this practice). As a result, the influences present on the record are predictably omnivorous. “Ooh La La La,” probably the most obviously trend-chasing track here, takes cues from Latin pop, while “Gravity” gets its futuristic feel from Daft Punk’s soundtrack to Tron: Legacy, although it sounds more like what the past thinks the future would sound like than the future itself. This extends to the three additional tracks on the repackaged edition, the best of which, “Trauma,” is inspired by the sound of Maroon 5’s inoffensively sounding yet unfortunately named Red Pill Blues. Aside from external influences, some tracks also draw from EXO’s own collection: “Gravity” includes some of the sound effects on the crowd-pleasing, Olympic stadium-filling “Power,” and “Sign” and “Damage” recall a similarly aggressive cut on Ex’Act, “Can’t Bring Me Down.”

Sonically, Don’t Mess Up My Tempo is split between the kind of brawny electropop that EXO is known for and mid-tempo R&B with a few surprising touches that do not quite land, the former of which is evidently stronger. Title track “Tempo” follows in the genre-blending spirit of post-2013, combining elements of R&B, funk, and house; despite this, the end result sounds far more cohesive than its radically disjointed predecessor. Meanwhile, “Ooh La La La” deftly navigates Latin pop over an understated flamenco guitar but does not stray too far from EXO’s musical wheelhouse, which is more than their juniors NCT 127 can say with “Regular” (also their most conspicuous trend-chaser) -- both songs raise questions about cultural appropriation and ownership, on which K-pop does not have a particularly great record. This forceful approach has its limits, however. “Damage” turns up the aggressiveness dial to a 10, and it is here that EXO’s usually superb vocalists falter: Baekhyun particularly struggles to match the energy of the production, but pretty much all of the singing members fail to catch up with the song’s pace.

On the other hand, the R&B half of the album contains some of its weakest songs. On “With You,” the vocals move leisurely on a garage beat that goes at least twice as fast, but the two never reconcile; ironically, when the rappers finally pick up the pace to match the beat in the bridge, the beat disappears. “24/7” reaches for an effortless mood not unlike “Ooh La La La,” but without an effective low end like the flamenco guitar, the track just floats without a discernible climax and might find a place among the 148 indistinguishable songs on Spotify’s Chill Vibes playlist. Still, none of this quite prepares you for the snoozefest that is “Smile on My Face,” the token ballad of the album, whose thesis statement -- “I did it all with a smile on my face” -- feels akin to equally empty attempts at authenticity, like Charlie Puth’s “Through It All,” and whose soft-touch production sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the LP.

As usual, the vocal performances on this record are near-perfect. Main vocalists Baekhyun, Chen, and D.O. remain the ones to beat when it comes to vocal technique and continue to be at the forefront of these tracks, but other members are getting their moment in the spotlight too, especially Kai, who has always been more appreciated for his dancing than his singing, but whose unmistakable timbre is now prominent on virtually every cut. All of the voices on EXO are very individual, but they also work incredibly well in harmony, and they are almost peerless in this respect; it is precisely what made the hook of “Call Me Baby” such a delightful listen, and what now makes the acapella section of “Tempo” virtually inimitable. However exceptional their vocals, there is still no getting around the utter lack of personality that looms over the record. On many occasions, the songs sound like extremely polished demos, their voices merely a stand-in or a guide for others; at worst, they amount to little more than disembodied voices. EXO’s stunning vocals, among other factors, have always served as a sort of personal stamp, ensuring that EXO songs are instantly recognizable as EXO, but that is less certain for the lesser cuts on this album: Monsta X would have been a far better choice for “Damage,” and “With You”’s garage beat could similarly find a more fitting companion. It certainly does not help that the songwriting here feels particularly uninspired: the guy-gets-girl, guy-leaves-girl (or vice versa) motifs start to get exhausting three tracks in, let alone three albums in, yet that is what almost all of EXO’s songs have been about since Ex’Act, and the trend continues here to increasingly dull effect.

The few, brief glimpses of a human touch coincidentally (or not) appear on the strongest tracks of the LP. “Oasis,” the album’s closing track, features the members essentially singing to one another about moving forward no matter the difficulties (something they obviously have experience with): “And we go even further / On this road with a long way to go / Runnin', I'm runnin', chasing the sun.” Here we can actually feel the members reach further down than surface level, and they sound noticeably more earnest than they will ever do on the record, especially Baekhyun, who presents a career-best performance in the bridge. But the only truly memorable track on Don’t Mess Up My Tempo is “Bad Dream,” which begins and ends with a soft guitar riff, but whose main musical character is ordinarily horrendous Chainsmokers-esque synthesizers that work surprisingly well here. Rounding out the middle section, the song possesses the richest imagery of the album, evoking a sense of helplessness and even claustrophobia -- “I’m trapped in you as you rage around me” -- and its swooshing synths help depict the raging hurricane in the main character’s mind.

In an interview with Billboard breaking down the songs on Don’t Mess Up My Tempo (and its repackage Love Shot), Patrick “J.Que” Smith, who composed and arranged “Sign,” compared EXO to Clark Kent and Superman -- polite and mild-mannered young men who become titanic performers on stage -- and felt compelled to write songs for the latter. I might not be very well-versed in superhero canons, but it has long been common knowledge that things are a lot more complex than that; from the quintessential superhero story of Clark Kent and Superman to the recently critically acclaimed Logan, the best superhero stories have always been informed, at least in part, by their personhood, and its struggle with their powers. There would be no Iron Man without Tony Stark, no Captain America without Steve Rogers. It is a lesson that EXO and SM Entertainment would do well to absorb.

[datingadviceonreddit]

Hi /r/dating_advice! This essay was originally submitted to /r/MensLib, where I was given the heads-up I should cross-post it here with a bit of editing. Keep in mind that this essay was originally written in response to a need for strategizing dating without objectification, like you see in many Pick-up Artist communities. I am not a fan of these frameworks, so I figured I would do a write-up on my own philosophy when it comes to dating. Keep in mind this essay was mostly written for a relatively young, male audience, but much of the advice herein is universal (in my opinion).Without further ado, I'd like to dive into some of the rules I learned from theatrical improvisation, and how they can be used as a framework for flirtation and general interaction.First, some housekeeping:I am no PhD in anthropology or sociology or gender studies etc. etc. Though I am familiar with a decent amount of literature, I am certainly no expert when it comes to human social interaction. Hopefully you'll take my word for a few thingsI am no casanova or womanizer. In fact, as I am writing this essay, I am currently single. I followed these rules for my last relationship, and it was one of the most fulfilling and enjoyable experiences I've had. So I hope, again, you'll take my word for a few things.This is not a comprehensive guide like you might find in Pick-up Artist handbooks, with highly specific strategies for every given situation. Rather, this essay is purposefully vague in order to be generalizable, as every person and every interaction is unique in its own way.Following these rules won't get you sex. If you are truly hell-bent on getting sex and just sex, then this is not the essay for you. However, if you're looking for a partner, somebody with whom you can share companionship, support, and eventual love, maybe consider these words.This essay is not a substitute for the classic banal advice of getting in shape, dressing well, having a passion, etc. Working on these things is equally as important as what I'm going to talk about, which, as you will see, should come naturally over time anyways.Improv and InteractionThis essay was inspired by this Tedx YYC talk by professional improviser Rebecca Northan. Rebecca learned improv at The Loose Moose Theatre in Calgary1, and has been working professionally as an improviser for decades. I would highly recommend watching this talk - I teared up a bit the first time I watched it - but I realize you aren't all going to, so here's a quick summary:Rebecca has being doing a show for a while called Blind Date2, wherein she calls a random member of the audience down, and they have an improvised "blind date" on stage for around an hour and a half. Intimidating, no? But Rebecca always sticks to the basic rules of improv she learned so many years ago, like being positive and inspiring your partner, and that allows her to confidently stride to the end of the scene. She had the epiphany recently that all these maxims she learned for improvisation are the same things that come naturally to a person when they have fallen in love. In other words, improv provides a great framework for interacting with a desired partner.Now, you might be saying, "Corbutte, that's easy for you and Rebecca to say, but I'm not an improviser! I was never trained, and I'm not a funny guy, and I get stage fright..." etc. I will assert to you right now that you are an improviser, although maybe not a good one, and you've been doing it your whole life. This boils down to the essentials of how humans interact.All social interaction is performative. You may be familiar with ye olde Shakespeare quote:All the world’s a stage,And all the men and women merely players;They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts,If you were like me, you'd already heard this quote a bajillion times by the time you were fifteen. If you were also like me, you probably rolled your eyes and said "Yes, yes, very deep" and continued on with your day.But when I started doing improv, it dawned on me that there is a lot more to this idea than you'd think. The essence of most of the social interaction we have on a daily basis is highly ritualized. Think about casual small talk with your peers or coworkers. They probably all follow the same pattern:"Hi/Hey/Sup?""How's it going/What's up?/How are you?""I'm good, you?/ It's going all right, yourself?/Not much, you?""It's all good/Fine/It's going/Another day another dollar""How's the semester going/How's the wife?/Sunny day out today..."And so on and so forth, and I'm going to stop there before I tear my eyeballs out. But, essentially, most conversations work on this semi-scripted system of casual greetings and banal topics. Although excruciating in many circumstances, this is a convenient and easy way for humans to gauge and demonstrate respect before getting into anything deeper.Now think about a good, engaging conversation you've had recently. Chances are it was with somebody on the same "wavelength" as you, it was probably about some topic you both find interesting, and you probably came out at the end feeling like you either learned or accomplished something. You probably spoke immediately when the other person finished their sentences - you wanted to say something immediately because you felt inspired. This is because the conversation became improvisational. You had spoken long and deeply enough to demonstrate a sense of support and trust with your conversational partner, and thus both of you entered a flowing and productive conversation.Flirting an dating are no exception to this rule, which is why mastering the rules of improv - I think - helps quite a bit. And I think our society does us a disservice by teaching men a completely arbitrary set of tropes irrelevant to these rules3. The same, perhaps, can be said for women as well3.1.The RulesSo what are these fabled rules? Well, I have four. You may notice that's an extra one to what Rebecca listed in her Tedx Talk. This is because I have an additional rule for you that, in particular, seems to affect men, but is also a universally good thing to do:1) ListenJust listen. This is actually so hard to do. Especially when you're nervous: you're constantly in your head, thinking about what you need to say next, and before you know it you completely missed what your scene partner is saying. This is a classic trap for improvisers of all levels of experience, and is generally indicative of a scene going terribly.One classic, and cliched, exercise for teaching proper listening is One-Word-At-A-Time. Check out this video. And now check out this one. Did you notice the difference between the two? In the first one, the two improvisers take pauses between each word, and are constantly in their heads, trying to think of what to say next. In the second one, the improvisers are speaking right on each other's heels and are directly engaged with the story. They don't stop to think about what's coming next.The difference between the two? In the first, they're both staring at the camera. In the second, they're both staring at each other.It's not like looking another person in the eyes will magically tell you what they're going to say next. The magic lies in knowing that your partner is there and engaging directly with them. When you speak and you know the other person's eyes are hanging on to exactly what you're saying, conversation can flow without any hesitation. Just by actively listening, you've inspired a great amount of trust in your partner. Which brings me to the next rule:2) Don't fear failureThis is classic generic advice handed out by everyone from Roosh V to Barrack Obama. How can you improve without failing? Two steps forward, one step back, amirite?I want to frame how we're thinking of failure a bit differently here. Chances are, you're thinking of failure at flirting or dating as a rejection. And this can be true.But in every improv scene, successful or no, there are always a dozen failures. These are what we call failed offers. These could be endowments, like giving your scene partner a name or attribute, or just generally providing some prop or movement or game or idea to the scene. And, quite often, these offers fall flat, either because your partner wasn't properly listening, or was uninspired, or your delivery was just all wrong.And that's fine, as long as you fail gracefully. Acknowledge that your offer was rejected and move on. By doing so, you're demonstrating that it's alright to fail in the space you've created, and that doesn't necessarily mean the scene needs to end.Now think about flirting. Chances are, if you're talking to your crush, you'll end up stumbling over words, making all kind of social faux-pas, and you'll become so painfully self-aware you just want to hide in a hole and die.If you know how to fail gracefully, you don't need to worry about messing up. Because you know that even though one of your offers may have fallen flat, the scene isn't over. You're still there, and your partner is still engaged, you just need to find the next offer to move on to. Maybe you brought up the wrong topic of conversation, something your partner doesn't find interesting. Just laugh, say "Eh, maybe we shouldn't talk about how the Ben Folds' solo music doesn't feel as rich without the rest of the Five", and move on. Or, stop, listen, and let your partner choose the next topic.The importance of this strategy doesn't necessarily lie within the tactics of keeping the scene/flirtation smooth. Oftentimes it will just not work. Rather, each time you try, fail, and gracefully get back up, you're instilling yourself with more confidence in your ability to rebound to the next thing. So each time you approach an offer, you'll be less scared to give it a try.3) Be PositiveBeing positive doesn't mean being a sycophant. For the love of god, do not agree with everything that comes out of your partner's mouth. Being positive isn't about being cheery or affirmative. It's about accepting an offer and building upon it.This is a concept commonly known as "Yes, and". When your scene partner says, "Let's go get some cheese from the moon!" You say, "Yes, let's take my rocket ship" or "Yes, we'll need to break into Cape Canaveral and commandeer their shuttle" or "No, Barbara, take your goddamn medication! Every day you come up to me and tell me there's cheese on the moon. It's not true! Damnit, what happened to the woman I loved? I can't believe what they did to you with that... experiment".In every case, you are replying to your scene partner by accepting their offer, and then building upon it (hopefully with something you know will inspire them). This doesn't mean agreeing to everything that is said, it just means engaging with every idea offered. Sometimes, the offer will fail, as stated previously, in which case you fail gracefully and move on.Chances are, however, that if you're talking to somebody you find attractive, you'll probably be inspired by most of the things they say. When that happens, don't just nod your head and go "Uh-huh". Build upon it. When she says, "Douglas Adams was a great novelist", don't just say, "Yeah, he was," say, "Yeah, I loved Restaurant at the End of the Galaxy, especially the part where Arthur learns to fly when he sees his handbag4. I wish I could fly like that."Now, all this being said, there is a significant probability that no offer will be inspiring enough.4) Inspire Your PartnerThis is the true make-or-break of a successful scene, date, drunken conversation, what-have-you. In improv, it's easy to become another character for a scene, and say whatever you need to inspire your partner and progress the story. But in life, it's not that simple. Maybe you can play a character for a one-night-stand5, but it is exhausting and unrealistic to play a character beyond a few hours.This is why flirting and dating happen. You need to sit, and talk, and exchange ideas and information about who you are. In such a way, you'll end up knowing whether or not you inspire one another. Without that inspiration, there is no way to have a truly fun scene together. And without that fun well, what's the point?This is why so much of the advice we hear throughout puberty (and staunchly ignore) is "Be yourself". It's not because yourself is a particularly charismatic or attractive person5.1, it's because yourself is the only version you can play that will leave you feeling fulfilled. And until you meet someone else that can inspire yourself, and that yourself can inspire, you'll never be able to feel the true companionship of love5.2.Inspiration can take many forms. Your partner could feel inspired by what you know, or how you act, or your appearance, or social status, or even an event for which you were both present. As time goes on, you'll hopefully keep inspiring one another to talk more, to do things together, to live together. This is what people mean when they say, "I can do anything with her and it's fun." They don't need to get inspiration from the doing, they get inspiration from each other.All of these other rules are essentially just guidelines towards this one rule. They are just ways to make you unafraid of approaching another person as yourself, and engaging them fully and happily.And the unfortunate reality is, most of the time yourself won't inspire the other person's self. That's the reality of dating: it is a crapshoot, a numbers game of seemingly infinite rerolls. But if you listen, and act positively, and fail gracefully, you'll hopefully, eventually, find the person that inspires you.Obliviate ObjectificationThese rules will not get you dates. They won't automatically make you friends and influence people. Their purpose is to make the process more fun and more engaging for yourself and your partner. They exist to give you confidence in the way you engage a potential partner, and what to look for and master when you finally do meet that special person. They exist, in some ways, as an ideal, something to look forward to while you patiently sort through the rough.Most importantly to this essay, they provide a strategy for approaching flirting and dating without objectification. It is of the utmost importance that you treat your partner as exactly that - a partner. Dating is a co-op game, not PVP5.3, and you'll find that if you work to make your partner inspired and happy, they will do the same for you. You aren't a protagonist and a boss, with your objective obstructed until you master your opponent's patterns - you're just two people trying to figure out your game together.I would also like to once again reiterate the importance of the basics. Eat healthy, work out6, dress well, be kind and courteous, get a hobby. But also: be confident in yourself, and love yourself, and inspire everyone around you. Don't be afraid to fail, be afraid you never get the chance to do so. Learn and grow as a person, but never lose sight of what makes you unique.Ok, those are all very nice potential tattoos. But how do I get laid, Corbutte?Well, my friend, you don't just acquire sex. You need to be given sex. Remember that you also give sex, so it's generally a mutualistic offer. Try asking nicely. You will be surprised at what another person will do for you after a pleasant conversation.____________________1As did yours truly, so don't think I'm putting any words in Rebecca's mouth when we actually received the same training around the improvisational theory of Kieth Johnstone2An excellent show, as I have heard through the grapevine3In short, society teaches men a disconnection from emotional engagement and a need to constantly assert status to and above a partner. While these attributes might help in terms of pure sexual strategy, they do not generally lead to a particularly interesting partnership. As well, since trying to constantly be "cool" and high status is exhausting for men, most men are just incapable of being successful with this strategy. Unlearning it marks an important rite of passage for many into adulthood from their embarrassing teenage years. Many, however, never grow beyond it, and end up looking to Pick-up Gurus who offer their own formulas for achieving this. Perhaps the most egregious example of this frame of thought is negging, which I think exemplifies why trying to be a James Dean-type is ultimately so fruitless, cringey, and toxic.3.1Again, this essay was originally written for the Men's Lib subreddit, where we often get into the more cerebral aspects of society and culture and that kind of thing and how they relate to masculinity. I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to say that society has been equally as unfair to women in how it "teaches" dating, but I also don't profess to know enough about that to give keen insight.4 I actually think this might be in the next book in the series. But that's ok, I'm just failing gracefully and moving on. If she points that out, I'll laugh and admit it's been a while since I read the books.5 Unless you're Barney Stinson, you're probably not good enough to do this. Also, it's pretty scummy (see footnote #3).5.1 Although, if you play things right, you will be the charismatic and attractive person to that one partner.5.2 Ok, this is actually pretty blazee of me to say absolutely. It might be possible to find "the true companionship of love", whatever that actually means, without any of this. But I'm willing to bet that the probability of that happening is relatively low.5.3 This is a reference to a previous comment of mine, which used a video game metaphor to explain the issue with pick-up artistry and objectification.6 Lord knows I need to do this more___________________Previous essays:Le Guin's Left HandPrivilege of the PetersonianLet's Talk About The WallA Wizard of Earthsea vs. Harry Potter via /r/dating_advice

[semi-sketchy]

Alright, time for my Forces gameplay thoughts. I spoil the bosses and levels, so once again, don’t read below if you don’t want spoilers.

I already went into the story in this post, so here we’re going to focus on gameplay.

I just beat the game for the second time last night and I have the PC port, so I can’t speak for any of the other versions. The game has gotten patches and it sounds like there will be a lot more as well as more DLC in the future, so this might become dated pretty quick. Either way, I’ve been playing the game for 5 days now, so this is my thoughts on it.

Bosses

Alright, gonna throw this out here right now, the bosses aren’t very good. They are the lowest point in the game as most of them is waiting around, barely/not being able to get hit while waiting for the weak spot to show. They drag on and many of them don’t even change the pattern or add anything new once they get lower on health.

Zavok's entire battle was waiting for an opening and dodging objects on a small platform until he showed his weak spot. I heard a lot of people got lost in this fight, although I never got lost, I just thought it was tiresome because it drags on and is frankly uninteresting.

The first Infinite fight was nice. It was an auto-runner where you were jumping over cubes placed around that weren’t too hard to dodge. You catch up to Infinite, hit him, and do it again. However, he changes how the cubes are laid out and has a cloning move you have to homing attack through so it doesn’t get stale too quickly. The boss also doesn’t drag on too long with it easily being beatable in under a minute 40. The boss still wasn’t very special, but out of all the boss fights, this was easily my favorite.

The Egg Dragoon fight was pretty meh and every attack was so easy to dodge. He throws ground at you, but you’re never in any danger. As long as you jump, you literally cannot get hit in this fight. You just stand to the sidelines and wait for him to throw those black rocks you can hit back.

Metal Sonic was kind of interesting with how you had to chase him down, but all you had to do is boost (which Wisps are all over the place as well as robots which give you boost) and dodge this laser attack at one point. There isn’t really anything to the fight.

The second Infinite battle kept you locked in a box and I can say it was at least a bit challenging and had something to do. The fight keeps changing and as long as you are good with your timing, you can almost always hit Infinite. The boss doesn’t drag on too long, but it never felt special.

Now, there are other fights but...they’re not worth mentioning and the reason is they are copy and pasted. Not kidding. Infinite’s third and final fight is Metal Sonic but dodging cubes. The final boss has 3 stages and the Classic part is the Egg Dragoon on a moving platform that can be destroyed, the Avatar is the only unique part where you run around in a 3D space, dodging a few attacks and waiting for an opening while also not wanting to fall off the platform, and the final phase is with all 3 characters and...it’s the Egg Nega Wisp fight from Colors only not as good. That’s really the only way I can put it. Even shares a lot of design elements from the Egg Nega Wisp. I can say I was pretty disappointed in the boss fights in this game. They’re lazy and frankly uninspired.

I was also disappointed we never got to fight Shadow or Chaos. I was looking forward to good beat-down with Shadow and seeing what they could do with Chaos after all these years, but....nothing. It was kinda a let down to have them defeated in cutscenes.

Avatar presentation

For anyone that came to the game for the Avatar feature, you won’t be disappointed. There are tons of customization options for your character and honesty, making Avatars is just fun. I do wish you had a few more pieces of clothing to choose from in the beginning, but it’s not a big deal because as soon as you complete a level with your Avatar, you’ll start raking in those clothes. Clothes are mostly unlocked by missions, although most of them are things you’ll do in the game anyway.

Slide in a Sonic stage

Beat level X

Get an S rank on level X

Use X Wispon

And so on. You shouldn’t ever struggle to unlock clothing.

Missions

Speaking of missions, there’s 3 types: the regular missions, daily missions, and SOS missions.

The regular missions are exactly what’s stated above. Little goals in the game you can easily beat without even trying to unlock clothing, although daily missions are a bit different.

Daily missions tend to be more focused on the Avatar.

Change your gloves

Change your lower headgear

I never looked into completing them because I normally complete them by mistake after playing for 5 minutes. Although if you’re going for all S ranks, daily missions will save you. They give you a score multiplier to help boost your rank, I’ve seen it as high as 3.0 and as low as 1.2. You can do daily missions up to two days in advance and the multiplier will activate when you play on that day. It doesn’t last forever though: typically about a half hour and then you have to wait for the next day to enable it again. So if you’re going for those S ranks, look into doing daily missions.

The SOS missions are....ehh. They show up on levels at random and will be either blue, green or red with each color meaning a different thing.

Red means you use another Avatar to clear the stage.

Green means you get another Avatar as a rental Avatar

Blue means you rescue an Avatar which is locked up in a capsule somewhere in the stage. This is also the only one that can appear on Sonic and Classic levels.

If you die at any point in the level, the mission is failed. They never really felt special because you are going through the level the exact same way and you don’t really get rewarded, but the SOS missions themselves are completely optional and harmless.

Classic Sonic Gameplay

Now, gonna put some more negative stuff.... I didn’t like Classic at all. I would see his level come up and be like “Great...have another one of these to do...” The levels themselves have some different pathways although they aren’t fun. Part of this may be that I’m not a classic fan. I didn’t like Classic in Generations (that’s one thing keeping it from being my favorite modern Sonic game) and while Mania was fun, I haven’t really picked it up in awhile because it’s just not my thing. Classic felt very extra and I am so thankful he only had a few levels because I honestly wish he wasn’t in the game at all. His levels didn’t really have good music, the level design was mediocre at best and he was just flat out boring to play as. There’s even a level where there’s auto-scrolling which I thought Sonic was made for speed running so why is there auto-scrolling?

Look, everyone got their Classic fix on Mania and we didn’t need Classic here at all. I know the argument “Forces was in development before Mania” but that doesn’t change the final product and the result. Sometimes in game design you have to cut a part off that you’ve sunk money into and may even like in order to focus on other features for the overall quality and that’s what they should have done with Classic. Just keep the Mania team over there to develop classic games and keep Classic out of the modern games, please.

Avatar Gameplay

The Avatar was something I had very low expectations of and I was expecting the gameplay to be the worst, although I was pleasantly surprised. The level design is not a total straight shot and while 80% of using the grappling hook is automatic, I still found it to be a fun and interesting concept. The levels always feel like you’re doing something and kept the pace up while being pretty enjoyable. I didn’t realize the Avatar could stomp or slide at at all until a reviewer pointed it out because the moves were never utilized in the level design. It was rather odd to include something they never ask of you to use.

The Wispon gave some flavor to defeating enemies and due to the amount you could use, I never felt it got stale. I just wish you unlocked more by going through the main story.

Cube, while being able to take out loads of enemies at once, was sluggish. You would be brought to a total stop, watch the hammer swing and then swing it again to destroy them.

The Asteroid was interesting where it would destroy 5 enemies in front of you, although I felt if I wanted that ability, I would have just used Burst because it could get so many more done.

Lightning was...war flashbacks to Heroes. It’s basically a whip but it flings you in the direction you’re standing in and I felt like I had a lack of control as well as it breaking all my speed.

Drill took me some time to get used to and figure out, but it’s fast and works rather well except you don’t keep any speed at the end of the attack.

Burst was exactly what we saw in the trailers; just hold the trigger button and you have a long-range flame that burns everything without you losing any speed. It was basic but I felt it did the job the best.

Void is one of my favorites. One click of the trigger and enemies and rings were sucked into a black hole. It was very effective at not breaking the pace and also taking out loads of enemies, just the cool down got me a few times.

Hover is basically a shotgun and another one of my favorites. The ability works rather well in 2D sections for clearing out loads of enemies.

They said there was over 40 Wispons, but there’s not. They give you the same Wispon but with an added perk, like this one gives you a shield at the beginning of a level, this one gives you rings when you die and so on. If I can give one tip: avoid the one that gives you a burst of speed when landing. If you unlock that one, run. It’ll kill you.

The rental Avatar was also a feature and I found it nice, but not really something I used much. I think I’ll find it more useful when collecting Red Rings and taking different paths which require different Wispons, although as it stands right now, all rental Avatars seem to be just made and only have the Burst. I understand not allowing you to rent an Avatar with a Wispon you haven’t unlocked yet, but this did drag and I really only ever used a rental Avatar for an SOS mission.

Modern Sonic Gameplay

Now, Modern Sonic. His levels were pretty short, but enjoyable. It almost felt like a mix between Colors and Generations with how it handled the levels. They were rather linear, but I’m used to that in Sonic. It doesn’t matter if the levels are linear to me; it matters if they’re fun. After all, another pathway is pointless if it ain’t fun. Although, aside from the boost and homing attack, there’s not a lot to do. Sonic has the stomp and slide, but again, they’re hardly used. The slide is never required in this game and the stomp is really only used in one level. There’s not a whole lot more to say as it’s just Modern Sonic with drifting removed and level design that doesn't fully utilize his abilities.

Tag Team Gameplay

The Tag Team stages were interesting, but not my favorite. It was just Sonic and the Avatar with both of their abilities, although the stages were basically an Avatar stage you could boost in as Sonic takes a back seat here. The levels were designed with sections for the Wispon and grappling hook and since your Avatar is almost always in front, it’ll use the Homing Attack and not Sonic. Both can stomp and slide, so there’s not a whole lot more going for these stages. They didn’t feel too special and the double boost was mainly a time to just sit back and listen to Fist Bump as nothing was really happening. I think the issue with these stages falls upon how the Avatar has a quite similar skill set to Sonic with the only thing separating them being the Wispon and boost (double jump too if you didn’t choose the bird). Don’t get me wrong, I like how the Avatar handles a lot like Sonic and when talking about multiple playable characters, this is what I’ve been asking for for years, however it doesn’t hold up well in these stages and that’s mainly based on the level design not complimenting Sonic enough.

Gameplay in General

With that said, I am very glad there are multiple playable characters in the game. I have been waiting for something like this since the Adventure days. I wish Classic wasn’t tacked on, heck if they wanted to go with the whole dimension plot, Blaze is perfect for that. I’d love to see her play in 3D or even 2D since Rush Adventure is one of my favorite games. I feel they put Classic in there as kind of a crutch because it worked for Generations, but I’m at the point I would rather have Classic and Modern stay separate. 

The reason I didn’t put this above is because it’s not just one character; it’s all of them. This is an issue with the physics engine and I feel it could use a little tuning. The characters lack some weight, which while Sonic was pretty heavy in Generations, he’s rather light here. I fell into it okay for the most part since I play the Adventure games a lot, but I had my fair share of deaths on platforms where the character accelerated rapidly with no real good way to break the momentum as well as having a heavy jump. I mostly ran into this issue with the Avatar and Classic, but Modern Sonic controlled much like this too only you were often going so fast you barely noticed. I think if you mixed the weight of the characters from Generations and Forces, you would get some great physics. However, without practice, the slippery controls will nail you down a lot.

I also ran into issues in Classic stages where I’d be rolling, going fast then suddenly the game would be like “shoot, speed cap, better slow you down” and I’d go from 60 to 5 in a frame. It was quite jarring, though only happened a few times.

I wish the level design complimented the character abilities better in this game and designed the levels around that. One thing I always loved about Sonic in Generations was if you got good, you could take some crazy shortcuts with the boost, but in this game, there’s none of that. Sure, you can shave off some time by being good, but not a lot. I don’t think this is a game for speedrunners.

They changed the ranking system back to the way it was in Colors where it was based on your score and not the timer. Your time does play by far the biggest part in your score, but holding onto those rings and taking out a few enemies is what you’ll have to do if you want that S rank. I welcome this change as it helps change the focus from “must go fast all the time” to “maybe I’ll get a reward by going out of my main path”. I missed this kind of ranking system in Generations and I am so glad it is brought back.

Miscellaneous

I did have a few issues with crashing, although Sonic Team is working hard to fix those, so I wouldn’t discount the game because of that. The crashes are mostly at the final Infinite fight and oddly enough, the cutscene that plays after it. Other than that I had some issues with the beginning of Null Space, but I’m sure these will be fixed in due time. The graphics are amazing. The lighting, effects, everything happening in the background, all of it is so beautiful. No matter where you are, there’s almost always eye candy. Alright, now I would be short-sighted to say that I didn’t adore the soundtrack. It really stuck out to me and I’ve basically been listening to it daily. The only ones that were kind of a let down were Classic’s, but again, there weren’t too many. The voice acting was done so well. I didn’t think I would ever like Kirk Thornton as Shadow, but the voice direction and how much the actors have improved, I actually did. There wasn’t a single time where I thought the acting was bad. They really brought life into the characters and spiced up the script when it was dull. Everyone did amazing and I can’t wait to see more work from them in the future.

Now this is a pet peeve of mine with reviewers of this game at the moment and that’s comparing Forces to Mania. I can’t say I didn’t expect Mania to get great scores and people slam Forces for not being Mania, although I don’t believe comparing the two is right as they focus on two different elements. Sure, compare Classic here to Classic in Mania, but Classic is such a small part of the game you can’t compare both games side-by-side. I am so tired of hearing “Mania was better” we get it.

What I would change

I would have scrapped the idea of Classic Sonic being in the game at all. Stop teams from developing graphics and levels for him and have put the time towards making some longer stages or even adding in Chaos and Shadow as bosses.

Had some people with experience design the levels as well as a bigger team. A total of three people designed all the levels and two of them were brand new, never working on a Sonic game before (as far as I know) which might be why so many of them are straightforward and hardly ever reach a peak.

Refined the physics. Characters have a rather heavy jump, but accelerate at an incredible speed. I’m surprised the physics got past the play testers and all the people who complained at every demo.

A way to play through the story without deleting your save file. Most of the game’s story is in dialog said between stages, so having a theater for cutscenes isn’t much. I’ve already collected a lot of red rings and gotten a ton of S ranks as well as Avatars and Wispons I don’t want to erase, but if I decide I want to play through the main story again for the added experience, I have to delete my save file. There are no multiple save slots either. I would have added a “story mode” you could play through after you beat the game. Basically the main story, only your scores aren’t erased and all the Avatar features you’ve unlocked (like Wispons) are at your disposal. Basically like SA2.

Had more game dialog in cutscenes as opposed to radio chat. I like the chatter in-stage, but on the level select where characters just talk, I wish some of that was moved to cutscenes as well as show more of what was happening in the world. What about the refugees? How did Sonic do being held captive? What happened to him? I would have taken a more “show, don’t tell” approach with the story.

Added the prequel comics in. There’s no real excuse for this nor why it shouldn’t be added in a patch. After you beat the main story, you should be able to read the prequel comics because they explain a lot of details. People ask “why is Silver back?” “It’s answered in the comics.” That’s not a valid answer if the comics are stuck back in some social media archive and not in the game itself. Say someone gets this game after a few years. Some plot points won’t make sense and they could only find the answer by digging through forum threads and hearing about these comics and proceeding to find them. Adding the comics for viewing in a in-game gallery should have been there from the beginning.

I knew one thing months and months ago: Forces was going to be a good game. And you know what? I was right. It is good. It’s not a great game and not one I see myself returning to in the future. It’s not my favorite and I don’t believe it’s the best Sonic game, but I like the direction they’re taking the series. The best way I could describe Forces is a stepping stone; not really something to gawk at, but used to get from one point to another. I would be quite pleased to see a Forces 2 where it’s more fine-tuned and the issues are addressed, although as it stands right now, it’s just good.

[cherry-ber]

Too drunk to fuck (pt 7)

Previous | Part one

If only you had known how bad of a day you were going to have, you would've lied and told your parents that you got a cold from last night, but of course, you didn't.

You woke up early, eager to meet Jaemin at school. You had a dream about going to a Cafe with him, so you were feeling a little positive. You got ready as usual and made time to prepare coffee and two sandwiches, planning on having lunch with him. You didn't know what it was, but Jaemin was making you so happy.

You asked your dad to drive you to school, and had a nice talk on the way. He asked about Mark, and thatvwas the only reason that you remembered his existence. You didn't mean to be mean, but he hadn't been nice to you, at all, so you just told dad that he had been busy since the day he saw him.

You arrived early, and wondered if he'd be at school already, by any chance.

“Monday, 7:20 a.m: morninnnnnnggggg!!!!!!

r u at school already 🤪

i wanted to have lunch with you

iF YOU WANT TO RITEEE”

Ten minutes happened and he didn't reply, so you just assumed that he was on his way. You walked towards your classroom and ran into Jeno, who seemed to be having a good morning, himself.

“Hey, sunshine” his smile was wide and bright, it made you smile too instantly.

“sunshine?” he nodded, and you both laughed it off “should I call you something cute, too?”

“Not if it doesn't come up natural” he asked to carry your bag and the bottle you had in your hands, you only gave him the bottle and you kept walking together “Anyway, have you talked to Jaemin? He hasn't replied to my texts since you left yesterday”

“No, i just texted him, but he hasn't even read them” a slight feeling of worry rushed through your spine, but you ignored it, thinking that you were just over thinking what happened yesterday.

“Well, i guess we'll have to wait” you arrived to your classroom and left your things in a chair. “Are you having lunch with us?”

“Sure, I'll see you later, then”

“Great, see you later, Sunshine”

Even though you were worried about Jaemin, it wasn't s bad day at all. You figured that maybe he just decided to skip the day if Mark annoyed him too much. You had a nice day with the boys again, you finally met Jisung and Chenle, and they were, indeed, babies. Jisung said that from now on you were officially the only girl allowed to be with them, and the rest of his friends laughed at how childish he was, but you thanked him and assured him that you were flattered. You couldn't remember the last time you had fun with boys like that, that had no other intention than to be friends.

In the last period, though, you got a text, and went to the restroom to read it.

“Monday, 1:46 p.m, Mark: I'll pick you up

Be on time

Please”

“Monday, 1:55 p.m: you're kidding”

“Monday, 2:06 p.m: we need to talk. i won't be late”

You were anxious. You were pissed at him, you were hurt and him acting like that, again, made you feel even worse. But knowing that you were meeting again, as so many times you had, still made you feel some type of way.

When the class was over, you rushed to his place in the parking lot, trying not to run into any of your friends or someone that would distract you. You waited for him, and know he was the one coming late. You thought that maybe it was time to get going, until you heard rhe roar of his Harley in the distance. He stopped and looked at you, not saying a word but telling you to hop in. You did, with ni helmet this time, in fact, he barely gave you enough time to sit properly and hold him, before rushing to wherever he wanted to go. You realized soon that he was taking you home. When you stopped and got off, you wanted to thank him for the ride, bug he took off his helmet and interrupted you.

“Are your parents home?” he had scars everywhere on his face, a black eye and deep dark circles. For a moment you felt guilty for being pissed.

“No. Do you wanna come in?” he nodded and you told him to park in the garage.

You sat on the dining table, and none of you dared to speak first.

“Are you hurted?” Dumb question, of course he was hurted. His lips were still bleeding when he'd smile , but he did anyway.

“A little” you couldn't look him in the eye and he noticed “Are you?”

“I didn't get beaten yesterday” you tried to laugh but you knew what he meant.

“I mean... Did I hurt your feelings?”

'yes' you wanted to scream at him, you didn't understand why, but you were so done with him for some reason 'what would you know about feelings anyway?'

“No, why would you?”

“I think i was a jerk yesterday. Not only to you, I was so selfish with my friends, I need to apologize, but I wanted to make sure you were okay” In his mind it made no sense, he knew he was wrong, but he didn't know what made him be wrong, not at all.

“Did you apologize to Jaemin already?” There it was. The sudden mention of his friend's name triggered some kind of jealous that he couldn't understand, but he couldn't stop.

“Talking that” he said in a more serious tone “What's going on between you and Jaemin?”

Well, you sure didn't know what to say. Mark was the one that you were "dating" somehow, and as much as he had been and idiot, you knew that you couldn't treat him like that. But Jaemin was so sweet, he also confessed already, which made things easier, because you didn't have to guess what he was feeling, unlike Mark. If anything, why did Mark care, anyway?

“Nothing at all, I guess” but the sensation of lying to him made you feel guilty, everything about being with him did, “well, we had fun yesterday, that's it”

He raised an eyebrow and got the feeling of something being wrong, but he wouldn't make it a bigger problem. “Sure”

The silence was overwhelming as both tried to think what to do next. He knew he wanted to grab you and kiss you, hoping you would forget about Jaemin, at least for a while. You started to make excuses for him to leave, without sounding rude at all.

“What kind of fun?” it came out of him unnoticed, and he regretted it as he was speaking.

“What?” it was unexpected, and turned on a switch made made your anger grow again, but you spoke calmly.

“I mean, do you ever say you have fun with me?” you were about to go off, you knew you were done but Mark was quick to continue “I'm- sorry, I just got... Confused? I'll just stop”

“Monday, 3:20 p.m, Na Jaemin: I'M SORRY

Okay so I don't want to make up excuses

I'm sorry, but you don't have to forgive me

Do you want to talk?

Should I leave you alone?”

You couldn't help but smile. The man in front of realized and the look on his face was intimidating again.

“Y/N” he got your attention again “please, just tell me if you feel something for... someone. I just need to know, please” his voice cracked a little and your only reaction was to hold his hand, he squeezed you back and waited for your answer, but you didn't know what it was. You were sure you had feelings for him, after all this was the main reason that whatever he did ended up hurting you, but at this point you didn't know what kind of feelings they were. You cared for him, you were thankful that he introduced you to his friends, you knew that you'd be there for him what ever he'd been through, and what ever he wanted, but was that what he wanted to hear?

“Do you?” you asked, but didn't know who you asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know” you wished things never became complicated, and he did too.

“Jaemin likes you, do you know that?” he hoped you said you didn't, and that he'd scare you away from him, even knowing that his friend, who literally saved him last night, would be hurted.

“Yes” he started to let your hand go, and it didn't have to feel as dramatic as it did, but you couldn't help it “how do you know?”

“He told me. In fact-” he got visibly nervous “he told me some time ago”

It seemed like everytime you tried to excuse Mark he said something to be wrong again. You didn't want to discuss anything with him anymore, you didn't even know what ypu were thinking anymore.

“Can you tell me what happened yesterday?”

“I don't really want to talk about it” he looked tired, and you felt compassion for him “I will apologize to Jaemin, just so you know”

“It's what he deserves”

“He does” it was so awkward, it felt like during this days you grew apart so much “I'm sorry Y/N, I don't what I'm doing, I feel weird and lost, do you think he'll ever forgive me?”

“Mark... Of course he will, you are friends and he loves you”

“I don't want to make this about us again. I just wanted to clear up everything, I think it's confusing. There's nothing between us, right? You can do whatever you want, I don't want you to feel like you're tied to me... That's not me, I don't do that, you know it, right?”

You expected that. But it didn't change the fact that it hurted just so much.

“Yeah, I know” you didn't want him to notice, you knew that it wouldn't change anything “of course I know”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Of course I am”

Mark felt an urge to ask you to reconsider your relationship, he wondered if there was anything he could say to make you change your mind, but deep down, he knew that you wouldn't agree. That was the problem of not being honest from the beginning.

If he could go back in time, he would, and do whatever he could differently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A.N: I'm uninspired and feeling down, but i didn't want to sink in my own thoughts, I hope you can enjoy this a little bit. Did you drink some water already?

[propertyhold]

Designing Olivebridge Cottage 2.0: Part 2!

So, you may recall that last time we discussed Olivebridge Cottage, we had a plan to kinda-sorta rebuild the house and it looked more or less like this:

This period was the closest this job probably ever came to feeling manageable: we had the town and the engineers on our side, the homeowners were happy with the direction, and the tasks ahead were difficult but not that difficult. It’s a little one-story house—a few more months and we’d be out.

Then the homeowners threw a second floor master suite into the mix. Which they wanted me to design. In approximately 5 minutes. Two weeks before we were set to start construction on a plan that had remained unchanged for a few months.

At the time, the logic went like this: after spending so much time and so much money on this house, reselling the house at a price that bore any resemblance to the amount invested would be somewhat impossible if the finished product didn’t really differ materially from the original house. Adding a whole bedroom and bathroom would turn the house from a 2 bed/1 bath to a 3 bed/2 bath, essentially shifting it into a different bracket of real estate. Obviously the upfront building cost would be higher, but the homeowners felt that it was the right move.

And so, the second floor. Maybe it sounds easy to you. It did not sound easy to me. It didn’t even necessarily sound fun to me, because I think I’m more of a renovator at heart. I like working within the constraints of an existing structure. Pulling a design out of thin air…that’s a whole different thing.

And you can’t just plop a second floor onto a house and call it a day! You have to rethink everything. For starters, stairs! Stairs take up a lot of space. You also have to think about using that new space efficiently. You have to think about plumbing paths and electrical requirements and septic systems and all the codes. And you have to think about what that new house is going to actually look like! And, in my case, without really any experience to lean on, I had to do it in a really short amount of time and have it approved by two homeowners, a team of engineers, and the fine folks at the local building and zoning department. And then I had to be able to build it.

All that being said, it’s not like I could just propose/build whatever. Every design job has constraints, and often those constraints guide the design much more restrictively than your imagination does. As somebody with some educational background in architecture, and certainly a personal interest, my mind immediately went to all kinds of things I’ve seen or read about. The Eames Case Study House, constructed from factory components in a matter of days. The stark geometry of the Bauhaus. The undulating concrete forms of Saarinen and Niemeyer. Those incredible walls of glass and rich wood finishes and the indoor-outdoor dialogue they create that Neutra did so well. It’s easy to get caught up.

And then you come back down to reality, because these were my constraints:

Experience: at this stage, we didn’t even have a builder. Obviously I can’t literally, single-handedly construct a house, so I knew I’d be working in conjunction with a contractor, but we didn’t know which contractor. New construction is somewhat uncommon around these parts, so there really just wasn’t room to gamble on some complicated or experimental design. This house needed to be simple and straightforward to construct.

Cost: I had to be able to build it inexpensively. New construction is never cheap, but there’s a big difference between a simple, traditional stick-frame structure and a complicated one that requires steel supports or tons of custom components or hard-to-source materials. Time is money when working with contractors, going back to the ease-of-building point. Cost is also part of what eliminated prefab as an option: everything I found was priced much higher than we hoped to be on a cost-per-square-foot basis, not to mention really tiny!

Footprint: partially because we were working with most of an existing structure, and largely due to zoning regulations and setback requirements, we essentially had to maintain the footprint of the existing house. More on that in a second!

Site: this site was somewhat challenging. You have the beautiful wooded areas in the back and off to the side with big mature trees and boulders and the wonders of nature, but then across the street and next door you have houses. Two of the three are currently in states of disrepair (and even fixed up, it’s not like you want to highlight neighboring houses when you have nature as an alternative!), so I had to try to maximize the appealing views and minimize exposure to the less desirable ones.

Practicality: even with the additional floor, the house still isn’t particularly large. You can dream all day about the architecture of a space, but ultimately you still have to have a functioning kitchen, three bedrooms, storage, wall space for art and small storage and display, two bathrooms that meet code, utility space, and laundry. The house has to work.

Codes: There are codes for almost everything. Heights, spans, clearances, distances between supports, the rise and run of each stair tread, the R-value of insulation, the placement of electrical receptacles, forms of egress, the type of glass required on a given window, fire safety, vapor barriers, grades of lumber for interior walls vs. exterior ones, the space around the toilet bowl. To say the learning curve for me was steep is an understatement.

Engineering: Regardless of what would have actually been possible, the engineers had some restrictions that my hands were somewhat tied to follow—the most consequential being the pitch of the roof. You hear a lot about snow loads being greater than they used to be, and our engineers said emphatically that our roofs had to be 6/12 at a minimum. This refers to the rise and run—for every 12″ of run, the roof must rise 6″, which is fairly steep. That’s kind of fine for a regular gabled roof, but wouldn’t allow us to build, say, a shed-style roof without the angles just looking insane.

Time: there just wasn’t enough of it! I had to design it quickly, primarily because all of this came about in mid-September, and we had to get a foundation in the ground before winter hit! And we had to build it quickly. Had is a strong word—the homeowners wanted it done quickly. They wanted it done yesterday. There was quite a bit of time spent on this project trying to explain why various things were so time-consuming, and why we probabbblllyyyy couldn’t build and finish (and furnish!) an entire house in 3-4 months.

Homeowners: as much as the homeowners and I really did get along and were on the same page about so many things, remember that I’m designing this house for them, not me! It’s easy to forget now, but during this period there was SO much anxiety and frustration that, for the homeowners, it started to feel essential that the house had mass appeal. OH DEAR. To me this house was always aspiring to be more modern, not less, but Adriana started showing me examples of these very traditional, kind of generic but well-executed new construction projects that just felt so at odds with the actual house, or what they even wanted to live in! I think it was really just panic about the future prospect of resale, which I understand. Not only did this feel really…uninspiring, it also seemed like an efficient way to increase construction costs: with modernism you can get away with simplicity and utilitarianism, but it’s hard to do that with more traditional styles without everything just looking cheap and flat. As a small example, we were aiming to reuse certain things like windows that were still in fine shape, but large single-lite vinyl casement windows were not going to look right on a house that’s supposed to have 6-over-6 divided lite double-hungs. Nonetheless, this period of not wanting to go “too daring” with the design was happening in the background of this and felt like a big complicating factor, even though they eventually got over it. Ha!

SO! The first thing was figuring out the space I had to work with. Our original footprint was this, with the top facing the street:

Since we asked real nice and applied for a zoning variance, the town allowed us to bump out the living room wall 6 feet, giving us an addition 120 square feet of space to play with. Like so–shaded section is new:

One of the challenges I see in designing a structure vs. renovating one is that with renovations, you tend to be thinking mostly about the interior or mostly about the exterior. Exterior work is often cosmetic—re-siding, re-painting, re-roofing, landscaping…ya know. But you have a structure: you have window locations, doorways, ceiling heights, the direction the roof pitches. But designing a building, you have to consider the how the interior looks and functions and how the exterior looks, and the two don’t always play well together! You might think a certain window would be nice inside the house, but then outside it just looks totally dumb. Or vice-versa! Or you want really high ceilings inside, but that makes the structure really tall and proportionately unappealing. There are so many things like this. In this case, it felt imperative to maximize light and views on the elevations of the house that face nature, but ALSO create a street-facing facade that looked welcoming and attractive, but didn’t highlight the undesirable views available to that side of the house from inside. Tricky!

In super simple terms: green is where we have good views, red is where we have bad views.

So, at THIS point, the back portion of the house (now the “guest wing,” since the master bedroom is moving upstairs!) was supposed to remain fairrrrly unchanged, although I wrote in the last post about some of the stuff we were required to do with it.

The kitchen and dining room plans were also more or less set, at least in their locations. That footprint wasn’t changing, and since we were hoping to keep some framing and the foundation under the kitchen/dining space, which would not allow us to put a second floor over that part of the house without redoing the foundation as well. Weight and stuff. So our second floor master suite is confined to the area where the whole foundation would be new—directly over the living room.

So basically we have this enlarged living room, which is also the only artery to get to the kitchen/dining spaces, the guest wing, up the stairs that don’t exist, and into the house at all unless you’re just going in the front door and into that long skinny guest room. It’s a ton of space, but once you add in all of those factors it gets a little tricky to create a room that doesn’t just feel like a massive pass-through.

It dawned on me that nobody was especially tied to the front door location, and that maybe it ought to be facing the street. Incidentally that’s where the front door was before the previous owners bought and wreckovated the house.

It also occurred to me that it’s not like you spend a lot of time in a stairwell, and you can get sort of creative with window placement in a stairwell, and that the stairwell should probably go against the street-facing wall, too. That way, we concentrate the views from the living room out into the woods, not onto the street and neighboring houses.

That’s how I got to some earlier version of this. You’ll notice that a couple of walls have shifted around in the guest wing with the elimination of the old entry, but those changes weren’t planned for until after we started building! A number of major things changed on the fly once construction got underway.

ANYWAY—if memory serves, all of this took place in a couple of days, and then it was time for another meeting with the engineers and Adriana the homeowner. In the background of all of this was the fact that I was no longer under contract at this point—we had to scrap and re-write my contract for the job completely, which was underway but not complete. This sounds inconsequential, but typically I wouldn’t be designing or sharing drawings and renderings (not to mention running around town to building departments and engineering firms) until after I have an executed contract and a deposit check in hand—a little freelancer safeguard against doing a bunch of work and never getting compensated for it if a client decides to be a jerk. Unfortunately it’s happened so I’m leery of it, even when I work for people that I know and trust!

The point is, we walked into this hour-long meeting with the engineer, and I didn’t really know what we were doing there. Adriana had called the meeting but without a design in place, it seemed premature and potentially like a waste of everyone’s time.

As it happened, Adriana had been corresponding with the engineer and had submitted a sketch of what she thought the second floor layout should be. I think she’ll be OK with me pointing out now that it was…a mess. Haha! Problem number one was that it wasn’t at all to scale and showed the staircase coming up in a location that made no sense for the first floor. The allocation of space was choppy and complicated and gave the toilet the best corner in the whole house! There was an enormous amount of space given over to closets, not enough room to actually use the washer and dryer in the plan…and I was just sitting there like…oh shit. 

Again. I am not hired. I am not being paid. I am watching the engineer set these plans in stone in CAD, and feeling like if the meeting continued on this way, we’d have a terrible plan that I could then be possibly tasked with executing, and a client who might not understand the need to start over with a different plan since why did we have that meeting in the first place where we designed the house in an hour?!

So, I stepped in. And drew up a little sketch of what had been tumbling around in my brain. Then we dropped it into CAD. And then we moved a couple things. Then we rotated the roof 90 degrees to have a street-facing gable. Then…the basic strokes of the design were all there. We had a shape. We had walls. We had rooms.

Then some more decisions. How tall are the first floor ceilings? I say 10 feet. Adriana wants 12. How tall are the second floor ceilings? I say 8. Adriana insists on 10. All of a sudden the house gets four feet taller. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, but things like that had a bigger impact on everything—costs and time, for instance—than any of us appreciated at the time. That’s longer lumber, more insulation, more of all the finishing materials…whoopsie!

With those plans and decisions in hand, and shortly thereafter my contract executed, it was time to take our basic shape and basic layout and flesh it out into something resembling a house!

Because budget was such a concern, it was always the plan to reuse as much of the original house as we could in the rebuild! That’s right up my alley, of course, but it’s tricky—you don’t want to be so tied to the idea of reuse that the end result suffers because you were just trying to make too much stuff work together. This started with the windows, so I made a simple visual of all the windows that could potentially be relocated and the rough openings required to install them:

Pretty exciting stuff.

Then I set about placing them, and quickly realized that we’d need more windows, and the sizes we had were mostly really strange and difficult to work elegantly into a design. I tried, though! In order to keep costs down, I recommended that new window purchases be readily-available stock sizes.

Here was the first proposed design—oof! I hated that entryway when I proposed it, and I hate it now. Haha! Since the front elevation is where we wanted to minimize views, I kind of liked the idea of doing it up really fortress-like with just a couple little windows on the front. Those windows come from the list of windows with potential for reuse, but the sizes felt arbitrary and not so great.

The clients thought it looked uninviting and scary. I get that. Moving on…

Idea #2! In both of the first two designs, I sort of liked the concept of doing a shed roof over the kitchen/dining spaces, but the required 6/12 pitch was kindaaaaaa too much. I also turned the entryway inside-out, thinking a little recessed covered exterior mudroom kind of thing might be totally cool? Especially clad in a cedar tongue-and-groove or something? Given that we already bumped the front of the house out closer to the road than the existing zoning allows, it seemed like an interesting way to avoid pushing our luck with the building department by also asking for some kind of porch/portico/something that would bring anything structural even closer to the road.

The clients did not like the outdoor mudroom concept. Still not feeling the facade. Next!

I liked this plan! I think I still kinda like this plan! The mismatched window sizes on the second floor window are an error on the rendering, so ignore that. Anyway.

This plan definitely felt the best so far to the clients, but something still wasn’t sitting quite right (with all of us, really) so we brought in another set of eyes! Trained, talented, and experienced eyes! Adriana is great friends with an NYC-based architect named Matt Bremer, so she brought my renderings to him for some input!

Matt drew the above doodle, Adriana sent the doodle to me, I made the alterations in SketchUp, and that got us to…

Boom, house!

And that’s…pretty much what we ended up building. With some minor changes, naturally.

All in all—is this the house I would have built if I could have built anything my heart desired? No. But it IS a house that I think takes into consideration the things that I talked about at the beginning of this post. Simple and relatively inexpensive to build fairly quickly, satisfied our technical requirements, had the happy approval of the homeowners, made effective use of the site, and allowed for an efficient but spacious-feeling interior layout. Check check check!

Now let’s build this thing! This is where it gets fun.

Psssst! Olivebridge Cottage is an ongoing series about a renovation that flew off the rails (and then found its way back on)! For lots of backstory and schadenfreude, check out these past posts!

 New Season, New Project!

Plans for Olivebridge Cottage!

Oh Dear, Here We Go…

Little House of Horrors

From Bad to Worse (And Worse and Worse and Worse)

Blogger is Hired to Renovate, Mistakenly Destroys Ulster County Art Piece “House”

Olivebridge Cottage: 2.0!

Designing Olivebridge Cottage 2.0: Part 1!

Designing Olivebridge Cottage 2.0: Part 2! syndicated from findqueenslandelectricians.wordpress.com