#feels like nothing matters anymore
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is it ok to feel hopeless sometimes
or most of the time
#this morning I'm listening to every existing cover of Across the Universe#and feeling like I'm going crazy#looking at this world#feels like nothing matters anymore#feels like nothing has ever mattered either#everything was always going to go to shit#high BDI score is not a personal problem is it's a rational fucking response to seeing what's going on around you
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2024 art summary! it sure has been a year
#ever makes art#i bsky tweeted a bit but it feels weird talking there still so ill do my usual rambling into tags here :)c#i burned out super bad in the middle of this year for months where it felt like i couldnt draw anything good no matter how hard i tried#and the harder i tried the worst it felt - to the degree that i legitimately thought i wasnt going to be able to draw anything again#which sounds SO dramatic i know i know. but feelings arent always rational!!! and so many others things were going wrong at the same time#so it was strange putting together this year's art summary and realizing Huh. i did still have paintings to put in every space#that fear/anxiety spiral seems even sillier and more meaningless now that i have distance and proof of how irrational it was...#...but in reflection i'd like to think of it as proof that even when you feel at your worse it's worth it to keep trying...!!#after the Black Hole of Nothing i've been working every day on never ending doujin and xv anthology and orv sketchzine and merch#i can't say that i feel my artistic skills have like. improved or anything... but the passion i feel for the stories i read and#the stories i want to tell is still there!! and the happiness from getting to put form to those feelings large or small is worth it too#anyway......... lotta words to say tho i haven't posted much anymore and socmed is imploding and the world is dark#thank you very much for staying with me another year. i am - as ever - always grateful
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something bad did indeed happen to that man. spent abt 25 minutes trying to find a better picture of that one (1) offical piece with his eyes open that wasnt compressed or tiny
#library of ruina#yan library of ruina#getting comfortable doodling some objects and mannequin shapes for very obvious reasons. i read the keypage story and now it has a grip on#my brain. wanting to go ahead and plan it out and then draw the mangled memory and nightmare that replays behind the eyelids in the darknes#it was cool to see the reason confirmed from my speculation. twas indeed another reason of blocking out present pain with closing of eyes#considering they made angela have a plot important reason for doing so it would only make sense for another to have a reason for it as well#well. after having a prominent part inside the thumb/index story line. its just going to be yapping about yan now i think#let me add a spoiler tag i suppose? vauge but just incase i dont want to be an asshole. even if most already have played rhe game#library of ruina spoilers#lor spoilers#i really liked the typewritter effect over the voice after distortion. especially so when the effect finishes before the actual garbled voi#does. it makes it feel as if it were being read out after it being written down rather than of own words or volition. along with the text#upon the screen during the fight being just prescripts rather than anything relating to the man himself like the other instances with such#text had been. paired w the name of distorted yan being untranslated to keep the intent of the name being unreadable or not understandable#more into the idea of stripping away of the self or any sense of a self. not personal and not even him anymore. the following of a goal for#the goal for it is given and there isnt any hope of having the ability to not do such a thing. people yearn for a reason and something to d#and for it to be given to them to not hold responsibility nor have to do their own choices anymore. once a crushing weight weighs down#inside the face of an absolute cruelty that is perpetuated and that crushed the dreams or even desires having them be but nothing how can#one move on? it was really nice to see at the end of the fight. its easier to just say such things than to actually do them. even if the ac#ions dont even feel as if they are ones own or that there isnt any say in the matter having to endure all the pain for seemingly nothing it#still is pain. that feeling inside is still real. it still happened. regardless of the circumstances that brought them about#the thumb/index or just fingers seem to be an exaggerated to the extreme showcase of how the colletivist mindset in an unhealthy manner#could be exhibited. the thumb with its hierarchy and absoluteness and the demand for respect along with its strict layers of showing who is#below and who is above. the ability to have power over those underneath . the participation inside of it and the already brought up yearnin#to be apart of a group and to have a title and position inside of a group and of power and even a desire like from pete to join one iirc#the index being of the cruel perpetuating cycle of pain people inflict upon one another a behavior beaten and upkept by the systems as they#drift and desire to live. which causes them to partcipate in that cycle out of necessity. cruel acts upon another in order to live and seei#a need to go ahead and do such things for if they dont they die and another will just do the same to them. social sciences talk and rolands#talks abt how the city opperates reinforce that fact. the index and prescripts are really just a show inside that extreme manner and in a#more literal sense of that. it was really cool to read it..
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"Allies should be okay with hearing hard truths that we have been suffering through for years, because if a child has to experience it, they as an adult can take the time to understand it with their adult brain and their adult emotions, and if they cannot handle that, I shouldn't have to be okay with handling their feelings gently."
and
"Sometimes we go too hard on allies because they're the only person who benefits from the problem who will listen to us, and the anger that we have carried from being wronged for years should not be put solely put on the shoulders of people trying to help us, and they should not have to be okay with being mistreated with the same hatred that people have aimed at us."
Can and should coexist actually.
#cat chats#it's all about context#if someone you care about makes an insensitive joke about your experience#you should be able to tell them it's not okay and they should be able to be like 'sorry i'll do better'#but if all the butt of your jokes are about their experience being a majority#and they say 'hey this is starting to get heavy'#and your response is 'well you can just deal with it because i have to deal with people who are like you every day'#or 'well obviously i'm not talking about you because you're one of the good ones' when you openly condemn people like them#maybe take a step back friend#some jokes are better between people with your lived experiences especially when you're venting frustrations#i don't expect my allo friends to listen to all my aroace jokes about allo people because some of them only hit right with aroace people#especially the 'imagine having to have sex to feel human' or 'nobody knows how to be friends anymore they gotta make it weird' jokes#but they should absolutely acknowledge that american society is designed for people in a relationship with two incomes#and people aren't looking for an end all situationship where they're both friends chilling in an apartment together with no romance or sex#because god forbid we touch each other platonically in any way or people will think we're dating and in love#or how most of american society views that you can't just be friends with someone once you fall in love with them because it's not the same#or how once you're in a relationship everyone else in the world shouldn't matter more than your partner or you're 'emotionally cheating'#and most movie plots that are like 'i don't do romance' always end up with someone softening their heart and giving them a romantic subplot#or that people can't have sex and have it mean nothing it always has to be a romantic thing#like tell them how it is but don't make them your punching bag ya know?
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ive never been a tattoos person bc i hate pain and ive never liked anything that much or for that long, and i dont even like the thought of dyeing my hair bc the color i choose wont Fit every outfit so something permanent and potentially visible wld be worse... b
ut idk after having surgery I felt this weird feeling of like. Wow, I'm happy I did that because of the desired outcome of course, but also because I got to experience something thats Very Cool if u think about like. Thje progress of humanity I guess. Like it's crazy that this is something we can do. Everyone was nice to me and they put stuff through my body to remove something I didn't want (also blessing and miracle to me) and in my POV i blinked and it was over and it stopped hurting after 2 days. crazy!
So I want to experience more things ➡️ maybe I should get the tiny green line sterilization tattoo or tattoo over my incision scars bc that will also be partaking in something really cool and human, that humans have done for a really long time ykwim
#when I die i wont be able to draw anymore and nothing I did will matter and my body will decay so why should I not use it to be human ig#talkys#also surgery made me slightly slightly 1% less scared of death#im still nervous bc i feel im going to be that person who will be freaking out and crying until the last minute.#i dont think im going to die hooked up to anything. but if im lucky enough to thats how i want to go. bc being put under just felt like i#was falling asleep... i couldnt think about Anything...no more fear#i rly hope its like that. begging and pleading.
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"shadows are inverted flames" -> wilsons hair is made of shadow -> YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HAIR IS MADE OF FLAME??? PETPETPETPET
also wilson can't leave the throne so he just has to deal with her doing this 24/7
#i cant believe i frankensteined this piece back to acceptability. wack.#dont starve#dst willow#wilson higgsbury#willowson#i kind of uh. hated the linework for this. so then i just. threw every trick i knew at the piece until it tuned out ok#still. dont look too hard.#real talk... it probably feels like thick clouds of smoke... incredibly soft... very soothing yes yes.#i will always come back to willowson. Actually Mad mad scientist x escaped asylum felon arsonist.#and its always a toss up as to who is going to be more unstable in any given situation.#they take turns.#usually wilson is Responsible. he likes feeling adult unlike willow. but sometimes he goes WACK and willow goes (sigh) guess ill clock in#what if we were both horrible people put in a situation where it didnt really matter anymore#could we find some kind of solace in the now-mundane insanity. could it become borderline domestic.#the closest thing to a home either of us have really ever had#i know wilsons parents canonically loved him very much . but#what has it amounted to for him? does he even believe he was loved at all?#his comments about nannies... they left you alone a lot didnt they poor boy. with nothing but books and bad ideas and worse thoughts#and willow. (gestures to the ashes of the orphanage and the Metaphor of 'seeing shadows')#wilson (haunted by his mind) (as in the threat is internal and the threat is Him)#willow (haunted by her mind) (AS IN SHE IS LITERALLY BEING HAUNTED)#(alternatively a metaphor for a vague and nameless mental illness. more of an allusion to the old 'asylums' than a specific diagnosis)#also they have fangs. ok goodnight#my nyart
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i've felt iffy about only three choices (all from inquisituon, most from a dlc) carrying over since it was released but hearing someone who got to play the game say "the appearances of certain returning characters are going to feel pretty hollow now knowing that they don't know their own past" which. yeah i knew that but worded like that it hurts a lot. we have a morrigan who doesn't know anything about the warden. who may or may not be under flemeth's control. morrigan who cannot mention her potential son.
#morrigan who doesnt know who ati is and how much she is loved by her#i know bioware decided the warden is on a mission to get a cure for the taint and. idk im just so annoyed#i know dao and da2 choices dont rlly matter in the future tevinter for the most part but i think we should have been allowed to say who our#warden and hawke was. they dont even exist in the time of veilguard anymore#theyre really doing nothing with leaving someone in the fade#i kind of feel like crying about ati and morrigan though bc im so frustrated with this game and i love them so much#and they love each other. theyre friends. morrigan has called ati a sister to her.#ok ill stop thinking about this before i cry#dragon age critical#leevi liveblogs
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Staging concept: Ophelia carries around a book that she uses to press different flowers and plants. At one point we see her actually pressing one of the flowers Hamlet's given her before, and we get the impression that she wouldn't part with this book for the world. During the "Get thee to a nunnery" scene, Hamlet rips the book out of her hands, and she goes diving after it to make sure he didn't damage it. And during her final "mad scene", she starts tearing out the relevant pages (rosemary, pansies, fennel, columbines, etc.) to give to everyone present. Laertes is the only one to get the significance of his sister giving away parts of her prized possession, and it adds an extra layer to his grief.
#Some extra foreshadowing and a way to organically work in the book she's given in Act 3 Scene 1...#Listen I have a lot of feelings about how to stage Ophelia's final scene--for me it needs to be about *her*grief first and foremost.#It's so grossly easy to play it voyeuristically but this is a young woman who's been let down by everyone she thought she could trust#and now she's come to her lowest point where nothing feels like it matters anymore.#And that needs to hit the other characters present like a truck--they could have done something to actually *help* her#instead of using her for their own agendas but they didn't.#And for Laertes especially... that's his baby sister and he wasn't there for her and now he's watching her destroy something she loves.#Maybe he tries to give her the page back but she pushes it at him and there's a moment of agonizing eye contact between them#where he knows she still loves him but she's never felt so betrayed by everyone and there's nothing he can do to make it right.#hamlet#ophelia#shakespeare#the schemer speaks
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#im so tired of being so checked out and unable to feel real or in the moment or in my body or like a person or in a real world#I know I don’t talk about it much anymore and irl I generally hide it pretty well#especially when I’m purposefully turned on like whenever I see family#or briefly socialize#but I was at one point getting periods of time where I was only about 2-5% disssociated if that#for minutes or hours or a few times even days at a time#and I thought it was gonna be okay.#but now it’s been almost 2 years straight of being a pilot in my own body#interspersed with weird sensations on and off#and occasional out of body times#and I can never trust what I’ll do or say#necessarily#because sometimes the connection is too slow or distant for me to realize my body is going to react in some way body language wise#or my mouth is going to say something that’s not something I want to share#and I’m tired of not being a person#I want to be a person I want to be less scared I want to feel like I inhabit a body instead of a machine#I want to feel like I inhabit it at all#I want to touch concrete and feel more than 10% of it#I want to have enough memory and connection with the world to do what I mean to and keep in contact with people and be there for friends#and I can’t seem to do ANYTHING#all I do is just survive and languish and I TRY to take care of myself and I TRY to do grounding and processing and rhythm and textures and#journaling and meditation and socializing and nature and hobbies and nutrition and nothing seems to matter#and I don’t recognize myself in the mirror half the time#even though it’s the same eyes#and I have to run my movement and my body with thought like a machine driver#and it takes up allllllll my energy and focus and leaves almost nothing else#and for what? literally for what?#this doesn’t keep me any safer#and twice lately my strong freeze response has almost gotten me in danger especially that one morning with the guy on drugs and. idkkkkk#shh katie
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being in your 20s in crazy bc sometimes ill actually genuinely sit here and go "wow I kind of miss high school when I was genuinely miserable every day.... it was kind of a vibe now I think about it". like. HUH?
#i think it has to do w being able to romanticise my sadness lol i was so miserable but it was the vine at the time#i do kind of miss the rollercoaster of emotions sometimes i cant lie. everything felt so massively important back then#i miss that sometimes. obviously it also made me very stressed out but now it feels like nothing really matters anymore#anyway. listening to old songs and remembering 2018#personal
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im so functional at work but outside of that all i do is rot in my house and zone out and its so hard to motivate myself to like. do Anything
#getting job in my field was like the One real goal i had and i did it so i dont even have that pressure anymore#and im so so isolated in life and its only getting worse#so its like. when im at work? motivated to keep my job. outside of work? feels like Nothing Matters
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Guess who failed their driving exam 2 times already and then started crying and screaming at their instructor??
#yeah hi guys#couldn't be me right#my instructor is kinda nice so I feel bad for him#I completely lost control or smth#ANYWAY#its just that this time the woman that evaluated me was like known to be incredibly mean#and just the things she said I did wrong#I'm sorry but I couldn't have done it any different??#IVE GOT NEW LORE#but also nothing matters anymore#i skipped a class today for the first time ever#and i havent studied at all since yesterday#i just wanna sleep#and pretend this never happened#but it fucking did#AGAIN#god its so embarrassing and it just proves all the bad things yk#anyways now y'all now what a loser I am lol
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Oh damn I just realized I'm going to have to deal with being nonbinary at work IN PERSON for the first time
#like at my olds jobs i was closeted and could mostly pass as a woman#by the time i got my job at the contact center i was a lot more visibly trans but i still didnt want to be out at work#so i just didnt talk about it and let people assume whatever and use whatever pronouns#then we went wfh and that became a lot easier#when i got this promotion tho i accidentally came out as nonbinary? and everyone has been cool and accepting#but these will be whole new people that im working with. i dont know what any of their views will be#and unless i want to intentionally go back into the closet i will have to like. address my gender in person#and i feel like theres a big difference between having my pronouns in zoom/teams and having people mostly use them#but occasionally slip up and then message me on the side to apologize#and never really having to interact with them in a way that would require them to use my pronouns outside of that#and like... having to fucking like. personally introduce my pronouns and potentially be subjected to peoples confusion irl#and having much more chances for people to slip up around me#and a much less private channel for them to do the song and dance they feel obligated to do when they mess up despite me reassuring them#like what. am i supposed to wear a pronoun pin? those things are ineffective and a little cliche and i dont want to wear one anyway#i guess i can just go back to not talking about it and letting people assume whatever but thatll be even more confusing now#(and would probably invite even more uncomfortable song and dancing now that im actually out and people can get it 'wrong'#instead of just seeing it as respecting my privacy)#i cant pass as a woman anymore. theoretically i could maybe pretend to be a trans guy? but that makes me equally dysphoric#god. whats the bathroom situation gonna be like. bc i get weird looks no matter which one i go in now. will they have a gender neutral one?#maybe itll all be fine and im worried about nothing but. man am i worried 😭#rambling
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doing close reading of the titans curse to study for a time travel au and augh. auguuuagh
#bianca wanted it all along#is it strength? is it assurance?#and given that she jumped into an assistant role maybe she wants to have purpose? to be useful? to contribute to something greater?#and nico had always wanted to go after her himself he was just too weak to#he thought percy had the capability to impact fate#and bianca always had her hair obscuring her face#thats the origin of the nico emo hair#oh bianca was never smiling when she was with nico#she didn't smile when talking about him or when she was thinking about him#but with the hunters she was beaming#she was stronger and more confident#more assertive and more courageous#willing to lead a quest for a cause she'd joined one day prior#auguuuah#the feeling of incompetence when you can't do anything to make your loved ones happy#no wonder nico considered trading his life for hers#to him it probably seemed like it wouldn't matter if he was dead or alive#maybe even good riddance#no one annoying bianca anymore and nothing for her to stress about#just auguguahuhh#he's really justified in his conclusion#ttc#time travel au#soup thoughts
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