#feels like nothing matters anymore
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is it ok to feel hopeless sometimes
or most of the time
#this morning I'm listening to every existing cover of Across the Universe#and feeling like I'm going crazy#looking at this world#feels like nothing matters anymore#feels like nothing has ever mattered either#everything was always going to go to shit#high BDI score is not a personal problem is it's a rational fucking response to seeing what's going on around you
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I don't like this place. It's turning everyone edgy and sad.
FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT
MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)
#undertale#deltarune#crossover#utdr#crossover comic#twin runes comic#twin runes au#my art#art#susie deltarune#chara#this will ignite the “chara did nothing wrong” vs “chara is a murder hobo” debate I just know it#fact is they gave up everything for their plan to succeed and asriel blew it#HOWEVER they were also forced to watch asriel die and they could do nothing about it#so what does a dead child do for who knows how many years all alone with no one else to talk to?#they rethink everthying that went wrong#guilt is a weird thing that lingers and festers in your mind#no matter how much you're actually at fault#I mean come on... they were an abused kid#all they wanted was to not hurt anymore and return the love they were given no matter the cost#but now they are CONVINCED it was their plan that kickstarted this whole mess#and it's eating at them#you can see it because they actually used contractions for once#i love subtle stuff like that#also hey#susie's feeling remorse for her whole “chara offed asriel” comment#the two are more alike than she thought and now she feels bad#out of all people she should know what it's like to be falsely accused
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ive never been a tattoos person bc i hate pain and ive never liked anything that much or for that long, and i dont even like the thought of dyeing my hair bc the color i choose wont Fit every outfit so something permanent and potentially visible wld be worse... b
ut idk after having surgery I felt this weird feeling of like. Wow, I'm happy I did that because of the desired outcome of course, but also because I got to experience something thats Very Cool if u think about like. Thje progress of humanity I guess. Like it's crazy that this is something we can do. Everyone was nice to me and they put stuff through my body to remove something I didn't want (also blessing and miracle to me) and in my POV i blinked and it was over and it stopped hurting after 2 days. crazy!
So I want to experience more things ➡️ maybe I should get the tiny green line sterilization tattoo or tattoo over my incision scars bc that will also be partaking in something really cool and human, that humans have done for a really long time ykwim
#when I die i wont be able to draw anymore and nothing I did will matter and my body will decay so why should I not use it to be human ig#talkys#also surgery made me slightly slightly 1% less scared of death#im still nervous bc i feel im going to be that person who will be freaking out and crying until the last minute.#i dont think im going to die hooked up to anything. but if im lucky enough to thats how i want to go. bc being put under just felt like i#was falling asleep... i couldnt think about Anything...no more fear#i rly hope its like that. begging and pleading.
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i've felt iffy about only three choices (all from inquisituon, most from a dlc) carrying over since it was released but hearing someone who got to play the game say "the appearances of certain returning characters are going to feel pretty hollow now knowing that they don't know their own past" which. yeah i knew that but worded like that it hurts a lot. we have a morrigan who doesn't know anything about the warden. who may or may not be under flemeth's control. morrigan who cannot mention her potential son.
#morrigan who doesnt know who ati is and how much she is loved by her#i know bioware decided the warden is on a mission to get a cure for the taint and. idk im just so annoyed#i know dao and da2 choices dont rlly matter in the future tevinter for the most part but i think we should have been allowed to say who our#warden and hawke was. they dont even exist in the time of veilguard anymore#theyre really doing nothing with leaving someone in the fade#i kind of feel like crying about ati and morrigan though bc im so frustrated with this game and i love them so much#and they love each other. theyre friends. morrigan has called ati a sister to her.#ok ill stop thinking about this before i cry#dragon age critical#leevi liveblogs
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Staging concept: Ophelia carries around a book that she uses to press different flowers and plants. At one point we see her actually pressing one of the flowers Hamlet's given her before, and we get the impression that she wouldn't part with this book for the world. During the "Get thee to a nunnery" scene, Hamlet rips the book out of her hands, and she goes diving after it to make sure he didn't damage it. And during her final "mad scene", she starts tearing out the relevant pages (rosemary, pansies, fennel, columbines, etc.) to give to everyone present. Laertes is the only one to get the significance of his sister giving away parts of her prized possession, and it adds an extra layer to his grief.
#Some extra foreshadowing and a way to organically work in the book she's given in Act 3 Scene 1...#Listen I have a lot of feelings about how to stage Ophelia's final scene--for me it needs to be about *her*grief first and foremost.#It's so grossly easy to play it voyeuristically but this is a young woman who's been let down by everyone she thought she could trust#and now she's come to her lowest point where nothing feels like it matters anymore.#And that needs to hit the other characters present like a truck--they could have done something to actually *help* her#instead of using her for their own agendas but they didn't.#And for Laertes especially... that's his baby sister and he wasn't there for her and now he's watching her destroy something she loves.#Maybe he tries to give her the page back but she pushes it at him and there's a moment of agonizing eye contact between them#where he knows she still loves him but she's never felt so betrayed by everyone and there's nothing he can do to make it right.#hamlet#ophelia#shakespeare#the schemer speaks
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being in your 20s in crazy bc sometimes ill actually genuinely sit here and go "wow I kind of miss high school when I was genuinely miserable every day.... it was kind of a vibe now I think about it". like. HUH?
#i think it has to do w being able to romanticise my sadness lol i was so miserable but it was the vine at the time#i do kind of miss the rollercoaster of emotions sometimes i cant lie. everything felt so massively important back then#i miss that sometimes. obviously it also made me very stressed out but now it feels like nothing really matters anymore#anyway. listening to old songs and remembering 2018#personal
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i am exhausted. he fell into one of those bodies of water that exist on the surface in sky's era
#linkeduniverse#lu legend#2023 art tag#been holdin onto this but i decided nothing matters anymore so im doing whatever#i am tired and in the midst of another mental health spiral . getting out of bed is the worst thing ive ever had to do anymore#im rarely excited for anything anymore. im too tired to get out of bed to draw and it rly just exhausts me to be stuck cos i want to draw#but the second i sit up it feels like ive used all my energy and i just lay back down#anyway sorry i hope youre all well
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sometimes i think about what would have happened if richard had died instead of henry and the rest of the book had been narrated the song of achilles style and it hurts
#raj shitposting#imagine had the fight led to the gun being thrown out the window. had henry seen that richard was shot. had the ambulance been too late..#that is the saddest thought i've ever had#henry would quit college. buy the estate he had seen with richard. live there with all his stuff and sob into his clothes like a baby...#he'd go to california every christmas and spend the time alone in some stupid hotel and become absolutely fucking unhinged.#he'd tend to richard's mother because ofc his father would run away from home that was the kind of man he was.#and he'd call no one but his own mother for her funeral because no one else would be bothered.#he'd send some money to richard's father along with the news and go about living his life like a goddamn widow.#that's the perfect word. widow. henry would be nothing but a widow.#the bmw would be the worst thing in his possession. he'd think about selling it but he wouldn't.#he'd think that anytime he had a semblance of thought that maybe richard was with him.. it would be in that fucking car.#he wouldn't sell it out of superstition that the car was the only place where he could safely feel richard and fall apart in his memory.#he'd cry like a madman every damn day in that car.while getting groceries.visiting francis at the country house.going for dinner with them.#he'd probably get a portrait done of richard. maybe of a photo of richard in some fancy clothes francis took at the country house.#yk those times rich people ugly cry by a full size painting in a burgundy robe with wine spilled on the floor by them clutching their chest#as if in physical pain and agony? that would be my man henry.#he'd be too out of his mind to even remember that maybe that day he killed charles too because nothing seems to matter anymore.#henry winter#richard papen#winterpapen#tsh#donna tartt#the secret history#literati
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Shifters - Part 2
I realize it has been almost a whole year since I posted part 1. I did some experimenting to see if I could get it all into one post this time instead of having to do two separate posts. Hopefully the formatting goes through okay...
Also, this probably goes without saying, but this was all done pre-DT.
Part 1
God I hope that posted in the right order lol
Anyway, I'm trying to work on crossposting stuff again. Wish me luck.
(Part 3)
#ffxiv#gposers#ktisis pose#reshade#wolnpc#wolgraha#R'alma/G'raha#R'alha#visual novel#R'alma Lore#more fantasia shenanigans#sorry it's been a while#I got really overwhelmed#and a little too caught up in caring about whether or not anyone saw my work#Still 100% true that I get a lot more traction on twt#but I've also completely fucked my visibility over there by being off the grid for like 2 weeks#so it doesn't really matter anymore#also I'm really busy with a lot of irl stuff so I have nothing new to post over there#but I still have a lot of old stuff to post here#and this feels very “scream into the void” to me rn which is kinda what I need for a while#so I hope y'all don't mind me curling up in the corner for a bit
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doing close reading of the titans curse to study for a time travel au and augh. auguuuagh
#bianca wanted it all along#is it strength? is it assurance?#and given that she jumped into an assistant role maybe she wants to have purpose? to be useful? to contribute to something greater?#and nico had always wanted to go after her himself he was just too weak to#he thought percy had the capability to impact fate#and bianca always had her hair obscuring her face#thats the origin of the nico emo hair#oh bianca was never smiling when she was with nico#she didn't smile when talking about him or when she was thinking about him#but with the hunters she was beaming#she was stronger and more confident#more assertive and more courageous#willing to lead a quest for a cause she'd joined one day prior#auguuuah#the feeling of incompetence when you can't do anything to make your loved ones happy#no wonder nico considered trading his life for hers#to him it probably seemed like it wouldn't matter if he was dead or alive#maybe even good riddance#no one annoying bianca anymore and nothing for her to stress about#just auguguahuhh#he's really justified in his conclusion#ttc#time travel au#soup thoughts
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is everything okay? you're offline for so long
i don't really have the will to live anymore
#i'm just answering this to let you all know that i'm gonna be offline for a while now#just need to isolate myself#whatever you all say it doesn't matter cause i'll always feel like the biggest failure and nothing's gonna change that#i'm sorry#i just can't do this anymore i'm sorry#i saved every letter you wrote me*
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not even saying it's a good thing because i am so far beyond checked out at this point but i cannot fathom nailbiting over this election after more than a year of genocide, after every single 395 days of it. like i can but i can't. the truth is americans will sleep just as well tonight as we have every day since october 7th no matter who wins because that's the world we live in. we live in. while the money we generate from shitty 9 to 5s is taxed and sent to keep children and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters up night after night after night with the sound of drones and gunfire and bombshells. this world is so far beyond americans' worst case scenario already and the solution to it is outside a ballot box on election day.
#j.txt#2024 elections#feeling nothing in this chilis tonight if i'm honest#again not even saying it's a good thing#this past year has broken something in my brain#i can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing when it manifests as this kind of apathy but it's not an all encompassed apathy#it's apathy for america's political landscape specifically spliced with. something else i probably couldn't begin to describe#like this is not a post about despair but about hope#it's a fragile one but it's permanent. i guess fragile is the wrong word then#it's a small hope but there is not a world in which it goes away anymore#however it's alienating me from like fellow leftists because their anxiety is not unfounded#like at all#like i'm literally trans lmao if trump wins my life Will get worse but#i just can't evoke like. literally an ounce of worry. it's just nothing in there right now#not bad not good it's just like. man i'm gonna eat my dinner and go to sleep and go to work in the morning about this <3#and i'll probably do it the day after too! because that's what i've done with a literal genocide beamed into my eyeballs for a year like#like!!!!!!!!!!#if i did that somehow somehow somehow Somehow. the somehow being literally because i'm a white american so i get to#doesn't matter if i didn't want to i got to and i did and. it's. no yeah it broke my brain probably forever#if i did that i won't lose a wink of sleep over american politlcs superbowl day. i won't and i couldn't even if i tried
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Yesterday I was replaying Deltarune and I was going really insane about it picking up on things I missed on my first playthrough and something that fucked me up hard was this line here
The little ellipsis at the end, almost like you can hear the regret on their voice. Voice of an ad who is realizing maybe they fucked up on this one. But it also made me think of... The possibility of this being a reaction to Spamton's actions.
Because I don't think this was an automatic thing, I feel like their drifting off was gradual. Sure, their jealousy had won them over (I'd have killed the guy or myself if I was them so I don't even blame them) but Spamton was too getting busier and busier the more famous he got, and as they say, that never stopped. He only kept getting bigger, until it all came crashing down. And when it did it was one of them who tried to go find him, after all that.
But I digress, let's focus on the original quote from my favorite sigma enby themselves, Pink Addison. There's obviously not only the regret to it, but feeling like they were abandoned too. Both parties lost a lot and the real tragedy is just how easily it could've have been avoided! Or rather, how beyond their control it was...
But I'll get off topic if I keep speaking so I'll leave it at that. The sheer tragedy that there is to everyone involved just makes me insane. Like I said in a post previous to this; you cannot trace down a good guy or a bad guy in this tale, it's just desperate people taking awful decisions and living to regret their actions.
#luly talks#makes you wonder too like#THIS IS GOING ON THE TAGS BC IM JUMPING THE GUN TOO HARD#but after Pink says rhat they follw by saying ''even so he only got more and more successful'' and its making me FEEL something alright#that EVEN SO. like. were they expecting for him to... stop? to slow down? to give up his overwhelming fame to get them back?#there's so many things i just can't say because we know very little of the addisons and big shot era spamton#we dont even know if they were aware this is how he ended. we dont even know if Spamton tried to go back to them or if he totally refused to#it makes me sick it makes me insane i want to grab these colorful things and squish then on my palm#there's a lot of What Ifs but i think the answer wouldn't even matter because nothing could change anymore#its sososososososoooooo sad#like i see fandom woobify Spamton a lot and i HATE that sure he went thru a lot but he's a grown ass desperate man#he's not a poor uwu cinnamon roll he's insane and he's an asshole and he's a nuanced tragic character#and so are these motherfuckers!!!!!!#btw i originally had a paragraph about how mad I'd have been if i was an Addison but i ended up rewriting the whole post LMAO#anyway. yeah. it just makes me insane.#deltarune#Spamton#addisons
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having the time of my life rn
#im just gonna dump this here bc i srsly cant go with this anywhere else cause my veins are about to pop#going on bsky really making me realize that my art simply got carried by the algorithm and not bc ppl actually like it i feel lol#i crawl back to twt bc im so addicted to the notification pop up there at least there i can feel like i actually matter#everyone has been getting serotonin from bsky but for me it was the exact opposite most friends also dont care for bsky so im just alone#maybe its also just the realization that perhaps there is nothing left for me on this earth#i put so much of my selfworth into the stupid numbers online and now im paying the price for it#my mental health is so bad rn i cant go a single day without feeling like i wanna end it today or i wont live past my 30s nor that i even#WANT TO live past my 30s my passions are gone dont have goals in life anymore like whats even the point maybe this really is the final#nail in the coffin for me lol i dont even think anyone cares for me beyond a personal surface level not even my family im so done with lif#im so eaten up by jealousy in every aspect of my life and i have had to bottle it up for so long bc nobody actually gives a shit even if i#openly talked about it to whoever how its making me miserable but its always the “just think about the good in life :)” there is none#i honestly wished for several years i shouldve been dead or at least not exist physically anymore and it was only the clout online that kep#me alive for better or worse but now im starting to believe this was all jsut lies too lol ngl i just wanna crawl into a hole and never ge#back out of it anymore i dont think anyone would even miss me anyways lol
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Suddenly feeling very dissatisfied with what project: new moon turned out like
Or. Well. I guess I shouldn't say "suddenly" bc I've been feeling a vague dissatisfaction with it for. A while. But only know am I starting to parse out the reasons why I feel that way
With it having been out for a while now, I think back on all the things I could've done or could've executed differently, but didn't think of at the time so I didn't do them
Nox, for example. As a character, he's just kind of a vehicle for the story to happen, a source of torment for Rue, and the reason Sonic's werehog form is brought back. He never got to be much else. He's not very present in the story anyway despite being the main villain, and besides his obsession with Dark Gaia and lack of ethics, he's not really... much of a person
I got really lazy with fleshing him out so his entire character ended up just being evil antagonist. And honestly now I feel his role in Rue's story could've easily been taken by someone like Eggman with only a few changes
Rue's parents could've been way more developed too. They really only exist to make Rue's tragic backstory More Tragic and that's pretty much it. They're even less developed than Nox. Like they're not even characters even by the end of the story
And there's also Specter and Phantom, whom I like and have developed more than those I talked abt above, but I feel like I didn't really show enough of them as individuals. They're just kinda there to be Rue's friends and fight ghosts and not much else
It's like. Idk. I feel like I only really wrote that fic to justify my ocs existing and interacting with Sonic, and justify Sonic's werehog form being brought back even through it wasn't really necessary in the end. It was fun at the time, sure, but that rose-tinted view I had of it has kinda faded. Sometimes I even feel like I kinda rushed it bc I was so desperate to get that story out, since I've been working on these characters and the fic for so long. I was satisfied not bc I felt I made something good, but bc I was finally *done* with it. Now that's biting me in the ass and making me feel like all the work put into it went to waste
Hell now I'm even considering retiring Nox's character entirely (he is like. The biggest part of why I've been feeling crappy abt the fic now that I think of it) and giving Rue another revamp. Tho it feels weird to do it now bc the fic they're part of is out and finished. They are my ocs and I'm allowed to do whatever I want with them, but still
Whatever it is I decide to do, the twins probably won't change much, if at all. Not sure abt Sonic's redesign, I don't really wanna change it but I might have to recontextualize why he looks the way he does in this au
Idk what to do with the story yet, if I wanna rewrite it or not and just have my ocs existing in an au where Sonic never lost his werehog form instead. Really undecided abt all of this stuff rn. I definitely won't be deleting the project: new moon blog or anything tho, just won't be posting there anymore probably
Idk if this post makes any sense of if anyone actually cares but whatever I just need to get this off my chest
#ramblings#neg#i have been feeling. all over the place recently#especially when it comes to my fan projects. like on one hand i'm having a blast talking abt corrupted au#but on the other i'm feeling like shit abt project: new moon#and it sucks and i hate it i wish I could just be happy with the things i make#there's also the original projects that i just. never do shit with and have seriously been considering letting them go#and not touching them ever again bc i feel like nothing will come out of them and they're not worth it. that too#i don't know man. idk what to do or think anymore#will i be happier if i kill my darlings or will i just never be satisfied with anything i make ever#no matter how long it takes or how much work i put in#do i even love these things as much as i think i do#idk. idk idk and i'm tired#i don't think i even wanna do that comic i said I was working on. i have thumbnails and everything but now it just doesn't feel worth it#maybe i just need to sleep. it's late#i keep saying to not trust your feelings after 9pm but i sure do find myself trusting them a lot#man i wish i was normal
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man. totk couldve been so good
#thinking of the links awakening sequel to alttp post and how games contrast/mirror each other#i cant say totk was super close to it. well maybe it was based on the first trailer but not anymore !#there were moments to be sure (sky island music + the great sky island) but the bulk of it is. Not#it feels less of a sequel to botw and more like a spinoff game. the world is hollow when you see the cracks and the cracks are Everywhere#npcs are wrong the structure is more linear (the great sky island for ex) the replacement of the sheikah with the zonai but it not working#due to the fact that the sheikah are still referenced and its the Same Place where literally all of the events of botw and prior happened#like. it Could In Theory Work but its trying to erase the sheikahs presence entirely which. no!! thats not how that works??#instead of mirroring or parallel and highlighting them Both it tries to scrub one out over the other#the emphasis on a Greater Past- botw focusing on 100 years prior which he and zelda and the champions and. The World have a connection to#vs totk doing more than 10000 years prior which would Seem better at first glance but it informs nothing about hyrule and nothing meaningfu#l was lost. its just a set piece to show rauru and sonias conflict with ganondorf#theres no. Connections. like it doesnt matter to ganondorf hes just oOoOoo evil and it somehow doesnt affect his goals or motives#the sky islands cant imply any context because there Is no context theyre just scattered ruins with no significance#rauru laments about the constructs but Thats It. everything is just there to be cool#especially the old temple of time/the temple of time in the sky. Why does that exist at all#its like. i wish any of this stuff was important At All but you can tell its not.#sorry for the hater post i just think its neat how botw informs totk and how totk ended up Like That. How.
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