#feels like my whole life I've been clenching my teeth and fists and now i can finally relax

[arrgh-whatever]

congrats on getting married !!!! very happy and glad that both of you are safe despite the war, i hope you two live a long and wonderful life together while supporting each other at times of need :>

Thank youu!!!! :]

[reve-writes]

—if i'm dead to you [1]; leon kennedy.

ʚ leon kennedy x reader | resident evil | 1,5k words. ʚ chapter two. | you betrayed him before, resulting in a failed mission and a preventable death. years later, you cross paths. ʚ angst. profanity; violence; non-canon lore; reader murdered someone; very loosely set in re4. ʚ a/n this will have a second part! i don't write for leon a lot so he may be ooc, sorry for that. i just wanted to write some lovers-to-enemies angst while being knee-deep in leon brainrot.

"I should kill you," he theeatens. You feel the hard muzzle of his pistol on the small of your back, almost feel the coldness of the metal against your skin despite the jacket you're clad in.

God, you missed him.

"Leon," you greet casually, even as you put your hands up in a surrendering manner. He presses the gun harder—a warning. One you're choosing to ignore. "Come on, puppy. We both know you're not going to shoot."

His voice is cold when he responds, venom lacing every syllable. "Do we?"

Your heart clenches, but then again you deserve every bit of anger he throws your way. His icy tone feels so much worse than any wound you've ever had in your line of work. Each words lodging deep inside you, like a bullet without an exit wound.

“Leon,” you try again. His name flows smoothly out of your lips as if you've been saying it your whole life. Even now, as he's threatening you, your body seems to remember him anyway—gravitate towards the pads of his fingers, the warmth of his torso. You thrum with the yearning to feel his skin on yours again as much as you don't deserve to. “We can talk like civilised people.”

“We're past civilised for a while now,” he retorts, but the pressure loosens. You take your chances and slowly spin on your heels to face him. A mistake on your part. Your heart swells at the sight of him. His blond hair, sweeping over his ears. The blue in his eyes, hardened from years of experience as an agent. The set of his jaw. Your hand twitches with the desire to touch him, feel his lips against yours once more.

What do you even say?

Apologising seems like a callous move. You didn't bother to apologise five years ago. It changes nothing even if you do apologise now, because you'll do it all over again. Instead of spinning more lies or desperately trying to bury the elephant in the room, you opt for the truth.

“I'm glad you're well, Leon.” You swallow, trying to clear the scratchiness of your voice from the lump forming in your throat.

His brows furrow. His gun is still aimed towards you, but his hand is trembling ever-so-slightly. “Don't do that.”

Your head tilts to the side. “Do what?”

“Try and act as if you're not the biggest fucking liar I've ever met,” he snarls. “Fuck this. Fuck you.”

It stings. Every word acts like lacerations on the fickle little thing beating inside your chest. Your hand shakes, but you flash him a tight-lipped smile instead.

“I suppose I deserve that.”

“And a whole lot more.”

A beat passes, and then two. It doesn't seem like he's going to serve you your retribution.

You're taking in his appearance and he looks at you, so many thoughts racing in his head. Too many to pick out just one. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm the roiling anger in his veins—to keep the red at the edge of his vision instead of blinding him.

“What are you doing here?”

“You know I can't answer that.”

“The least you can do is answer my questions.” He grits his teeth. “Then again, whatever you say is most likely a lie.”

“I'll take my leave, then.” I'm glad I get to see you.

He kisses his teeth in annoyance. “Goddammit, ___. Are you really not going to say anything?”

You clench your fists, nails digging into your palms. “We don't need to do this. I'll stay out of your way.”

“What about Tracy?”

The name brings up a clear picture. Pig-tailed brunette. Fifteen years old. Freckles dusting her cheeks. The gap between her front teeth when she smiled.

Tracy Miller.

That was the name printed on your mission file five years ago. Your mission partner was Leon Kennedy. Both of you were newbies in the field, recently recruited after what went down in Raccoon City. It was supposed to be an easy mission, anyway. You were starry-eyed, excited to spend a little more time with him, giddy for experience in this godforsaken field.

Your mission was simple. The fifteen-year-old prodigy created a strain of virus. You were supposed to bring her in for questioning. They were planning to confiscate the research.

Until you were approached by your current employer—a group of self-righteous assholes whom you've caught the attention of. You were presented with an offer, but it was never much of a choice. Kill Tracy, get rid of the possibility that the virus could ever soread. You would never say yes. Never in a million years would you have aimed your gun at a helpless child.

Until they mentioned him.

It didn't take much for you to throw your morals to the backburner when it came to Leon. He was their leverage. If you didn't work for them and dispose of Tracy, then he would die. Their words over the static of your phone are the start of this nightmare.

How sure are you that you can protect him from us?

The name Tracy brings up an image. A loud ringing in your ears. The thud of her body hitting the ground. The click of your gun as it fell to the floor, a bullet missing from its magazine, lodged in the girl's skull.

You steel yourself, echoing empty words you don't quite believe in. “I did what needed to be done.”

You walked away from him. Your shoes knocking against the docks of the lake. As soon as he's out of sight, your knees buckle and you fall. Blinking your eyes, you realise that you're crying.

You don't have time for this.

Not in the middle of an infected village where its residents can appear anytime, hurling an axe at your skull or brandishing a pitchfork, fully intending to kill. There's a mission to accomplish.

Dammit.

You're filled with contradictions. Even as you curse to yourself, standing in front of him like a deer caught in the headlights, there's a part of you that lights up when you bump into him again. It overshadows the rational part—the one that dreads another confrontation, risking the exchange of words as sharp as daggers into each other's hearts.

He immediately levels his handgun at your chest. You drop yours.

“Shit. I didn't know you were here, Leon.” This is one truth that you can offer to him.

“Am I supposed to believe that?”

You sigh, spotting a hostile in your periphery ready to lob a machete at you. “Duck.”

Even if you're the one who cried wolf, the one who once served a lie so grave on a platter without batting an eye, his body responds, immediately falling to a crouch before he can even think about it. It's how the two of you operate in Raccoon City and the countless missions that follow after that. Complete trust. That's why your betrayal feels like a thousand cuts to him.

You curse under your breath, side-stepping the machete. You swoop down for your dropped gun, shooting the infected resident three times before he falls to the ground. Your gunshot is loud, drawing everyone and their mothers out of their houses.

“Great,” Leon complains under his breath.

It's a dance you remember. The way your body so naturally presses up against him to cover each other's backs. The familiar little commands the two of you exchange as you take down enemy after enemy.

“She's just eating my bullets!” He quips, dropping an empty magazine out with one hand, the other already pulling out a new one out to reload. “Shit.”

You chuckle. Suddenly, you're back in Raccoon City again. Two naive twenty-something-year-olds keeping each other alive. Leon and his quirky comments. You and your light-hearted laughs.

The last shot rings and the two of you let out a relieved sigh.

“Great work,” he says before he can stop himself, falling into old habits.

You smile—that million dollar smile that does unhealthy things to his heart. Do it again. A voice in his head says. He frowns, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to shake off the stupor that remains after the fight.

Tracy Miller. He'll never forget the day he failed the young girl. The day you broke his trust. He swears he hates you. He wants you dead for what you did.

“You're not half bad yourself, Kennedy,” you answer.

He turns around, going to sow his rewards after all the shooting. “Stay out of my way. I won't hesitate the next time.”

The coldness returns to him. You tighten your jacket as if it can help shield you from the chill, but this is a small price you have to pay for his life. You prefer to have him absolutely loathe you than buried dead six feet underground.

You wince, walking away. “Take care, puppy.”

The nickname slips out of you and his step falters for a second. You notice—you notice every fucking thing he does bevause his presence alone heightens all your senses.

It gives you hope, a small one—one you don't deserve. Maybe. Just maybe. He'll forgive you someday.

[ ]

[add1ctedt0you]

I know that everyone, projecting, can have different interpretations about the same character, but I really can't understand some of them. For example "jc is an arrogant asshole" : I mean, he is an asshole, but arrogant? I personally disagree. Jiang Cheng is a kid who is grown been compared his own life to Wei WuXian, his perfect sect brother, by both his parents.

Kids like that grown with an inferiority complex, not being arrogant. And I think that the text proofs it enough :

Madam Yu stood up and mocked, "What do you want me to do? Like your father, you want me to hold my tongue? You really are an idiot. I've told you long ago that you'll never in your whole life be able to surpass the one sitting beside you. Not over cultivation, not over night-hunting, even shooting kites, you can't surpass him! It can't be helped. Who would change the fact that your mom is worse than another's? Worse it is, then. Your mom feels injustice for you, tells you countless times not to fool around with him, yet you are still defending him. Just how did I give birth to a son like you? "

Chapter 50

After a speech like that, something that seems usual for them, how in the hell jiang cheng could have ever get arrogant? How?? His mother, the one whose love he doesn't question, is saying to his face that he isn't enough, that he would never been enough. When a child grown hearing this all the time, how can become arrogant??

In fact, Jiang cheng's greatest wish in his youth is not to be the best, is to be enough, is to make his parents proud of him, is to been seen for his worth:

He raise his voice, "You killed the Xuanwu of Slaughter together with Lan WangJi, bathing in blood! How great is that?! But what about me?!"

He punched his fist into a pillar in the hall, clenching his teeth, "... I have also been running around for days, completely exhausted, with not one second of rest!"

Chapter 56

Jiang cheng is extremely upset not because he didn't kill the Xuanwu of Slaughter but because his efforts have been overlooked. "But what about me?" that's what he said and what tormented him. His father had praised wei wuxian and lan wangji, but what about jiang cheng effort? I see a kid who wants desperately love and appreciation.

I want to point out, that obviously his trauma influence his life. As anyone with an inferiority complex, he doesn't think himself good enough, so he behaves according to his belief (I strongly believe that people with inferiority complex don't always achieve everything not because they aren't able, but because they don't think to be able, - something very different - sabotaging themselves without even realizing it). For example, he doesn't think himself able to fight and win against lan wangji not necessarily because he isn't good enough, but because his inferiority complex runs deep. In fact, he is pretty good as cultivator and fighter!

When Jiang Cheng was unaware, he stuffed Zidian's ring back into his hand and sprinted toward the crowd, all the way up to the most dangerous area before the mouth of the cave. Jiang Cheng was about to chase after him when he managed to slice a few corpses, staggering. He felt that Sandu was no lighter than hundreds of pounds.

Jiang cheng, without his spiritual powers, managed to slice a few corpses. (Not having spiritual powers means that he can't heal readily and he gets tired easily)

Jiang Cheng chased over to fight Wen ZhuLiu. Wen Chao saw that his eyes were bloodshot and had on a terrifying expression. The rest of the disciples had also been excited, and there was still a gigantic beast inside the pool, the front-left claw of which had already stepped onto the shore. Wen Chao finally began to fear, "Retreat, retreat. Retreat right now!"

Without any weapon and knowing well what wen zhuliu was capable of, 17 years old Jiang Cheng chased him down. And he was so terrifying that wen chao called for retreat!

That's to say, his insecurities and fears don't ever stop jiang cheng from doing what he has to do. He doesn't feel enough because of his childhood but, nonetheless, jiang cheng is extremely hardworking and competent.

The most laughable one was the YunmengJiang Sect, the people of which either had been killed or had scattered, leaving only Jiang Cheng, who was younger than even Lan XiChen and was still a child born yesterday, who had nobody in his hands but still dared call himself sect leader, holding up the banner of rebellion as he recruited new disciples.

After lotus pier's fall, despite his young age, being younger than Lan Xichen, despite the fact that his sect has been destroyed and despite the fact that he was alone, he dared call himself sect leader, holding up the banner of rebellion recruiting new disciples! Jiang cheng worked hard every day to rebuilt lotus pier!

Within these few years, Jiang Cheng insisted on working late into the night every day. That day, just as he decided to rest early, he had to rush to Koi Tower overnight because of the thundering news.

Chapter 73

Thanks his efforts, lotus pier is reborn again as one of the greatest sect, despite her isolation. No one dares to insult lotus pier or jiang cheng himself!

So, jiang cheng is a strong sect leader, a man accustomed to give orders, but that, again, doesn't make him arrogant. He is probably proud of his sect! As every person who fights, works hard and makes every effort, he is probably proud of his achievements.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

minesweeper

the confidence I woke up with today is spent

I don't remember spending it either

I'm blinded again and everything I've tried doing

won't lift the veil or shine any light

I trusted everything and now I'm in the dark

completely alone in a crystal room with only fears to talk to

a tarot reader told me of a vision where

my angels were literally holding me down

twisting the knife into a wound I refused to see

asking for help is so fucking hard for me

and even when I broke and begged out of

a desperation I could feel swallowing me

still they turned away and blamed me for struggling

even now I can't imagine someone looking at me

and seeing anything but a silly greedy creature

I know it's not true and I'm trying to bleed it out of me

with tears and journaling and all my tools

I don't know how to live life without coping

where my heart space should be glowing green

I just feel an ugly sort of burning hunger

maybe the little match girl died finally in winter

asking for comfort is a burden I don't want to impose

on anyone because eventually they stop seeing me

I'm a victim of the death curse again

their eyes are blank and they see right through me

I don't exist anymore and I'm so confused

you loved me yesterday and now you don't see me

why am I so easy to throw away?

why do I feel like my love is so embarrassing?

why couldn't I inspire you to stay?

I know it's not about me but shit it's so cold again

I'll burn whatever I have to to feel warm again

I'll survive but sometimes I don't want to

disappointment is a familiar sadness to me

but I'm trying to get a grip on my disgust

I was never allowed to be disgusted

I was forced to say yes even when I wanted to

rip my own skin off rather than touch them

I was told to be grateful when I said something

didn't match my preferences or desires

I want so desperately believe in something

all I ever wanted was to trust and have it stay close

I've been deceiving myself my whole life

I was never taught how to trust myself

so I numbed myself into compliance

and today I'm waking up to how tightly I have to

clench my fists when I'm in his presence

I imagine myself as dark phoenix sending cyclops to dust

the first song he wrote and sang to me

talks about tapping into my wealth

ironic, since the marriage I'm walking quietly away from

left me in utter financial ruin and the injustice

of it twists my stomach into nausea

it took him three years to take off his mask

I can't believe how fucking stupid I was

am I just going to fuck everything up like always?

I swear I care I just... feel so hopeless

I have nothing to offer and my love is glitiching

between timelines and can't find anything to grasp

you don't even have to pull me with you just

tell me my presence makes something worthwhile

my shadow confidence is melting because I don't

really need it anymore where I'm going

but right now on this hypersurface plane of the present

right now I know why it's the calling of the grave

that creates the force of gravity

I feel all my ancestors and past versions of myself

spiraling all around me and screaming their rage

as they all get sucked into some light in the center

you don't have to hold on to things to remember them

divinity please liberate me from all this deep resentment

every situation was a lesson and I learned them

I promise I learned them can I just be safe now?

just for awhile because my strength is missing feathers

the aerodynamics are off and I know likely

tomorrow will be better and I'll have something

to be grateful for and delight over and...

god it hurts tonight and nothing is working

telling people that it hurts only gives them more weaponry

to use later when they don't like my answer

I grit my teeth and communicate when I can

no songs soothing no portals to see other worlds rewarding

just me alone in the dark hugging my knees

rocking and humming in candlelight

surrender feel release

surrender feel release

what if the only thing I ever wanted

decides randomly to go away again

I can't keep myself tethered to pain

no matter how madly and desperately I love it

can you just promise not to go away

haven't I proved myself in all kinds of roles

why don't I love people right?

how do you love people right?

why am I always too much?

my intensity could be so awesome

my passion could be used in so many ways

fuck, I really am afraid of everything

just me and my cyan ghost against the world

please forgive my faithlessness

my soul is weak please forgive me

all I've ever learned from love is how

to shoot someone who outdrew you

I wrote poetry to dry the well of your memory

but then found you in every song I sang

to rivers and trees and places where everyone

could hear me but not know who glowed in my heart

I made so many mistakes and I don't know

why anyone would want to take care of me

it hurts so fucking much to heal

alone in the void again but at least I have

all the friends I made out of my favorite tears

let it all flow and pass through me

hold the agonizing symphony

between breaths I want to share

then release slowly into arms I know want to hold me

I know but I can't quite yet believe

and that could be because my physical body

knows intimately the impatience of a drumming heart

I release and I release and I release

[tessabennet]

I got tagged by @booksandabeer to share 8 shows to get to know me. I've been thoroughly overthinking it for the past few days, which is why this list sounds a bit like a series-watching-history resume. And I still feel like I'm forgetting some very important ones.

Anyway, thanks for the tag, J! Hope you enjoy 😅

I'll pass the tag to @tree-of-blue-squirrel @somanywords @hedvig-ulrika @tripfourconcerts and @myauroraborealis, if you guys want to do this 🥰

Avatar the Last Airbender

I'll start way way back in my childhood. I had this girl in my class in primary school who was obsessed with this show (to the point where it got kinda scary) but that's how I ended up watching it for the first time. And I just fell in love with the worldbuilding amd the characters with their found family.

Honourable mentions of shows I liked as a kid:

Suite Life, Drake & Josh, Glee

BBC Sherlock

Flash forward a couple of years, and here's me, in my late teens. And with that came my first queerbait experience! Hurray! But. If not for that, if not for the overanalysing of the queer subtext and the unbelievable disappointmemt in how it all turned out, I don't think I would have ended up as an english major. Which I have mixed feelings about, yes, but I feel like that represents my relationship with this show pretty well.

Honourable mentions of shows I watched in my late teens:

Shadowhunters, Doctor Who, Outlander

Supernatural

*clears throat* I know. I know. But I can't not include it, okay? It's been... let's call it a formative experience. My first real deep dive into fandom culture. How I first made fandom friends all over the world, who I love and treasure with all my heart now. I hate it as much as we all do, but yeah. *clenches fist and grits teeth* Supernatural had an impact on me.

Honourable mentions of my early fandom days shows:

Game of Thrones, Sex Education, Troy - Fall of a City

The Umbrella Academy

This one is a prime example of a type of show that I really like: the ones where, at times, I could not care less about the plot and am just here to thoroughly enjoy the characters.

Honourable mentions of shows I watch only for the characters:

Brooklyn 99, Stranger Things, Young Royals

Agent Carter

So. It's no secret that I am a firm, pious defender of all things Peggy Carter. This puts me in a somewhat awkward, sometimes even controversial position since I am also firmly, piously in the steve/bucky corner. But like. I love her? And since she (and like, the Captain America movies as a whole) were my way into the MCU... well, where would I be without her?

Honourable mentions of MCU shows I like:

Daredevil, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Hawkeye

Good Omens

This one is really simple: it's silly and I'm so here for it. The humour, the characters, the absurdity of it all, the underlying political themes.... yeah, I don't think I need to explain to anyone why a Neil Gaiman show is a good thing to watch. Like, just for the fun of it.

Honourable mentions of shows I watch just for the fun of it:

Arrested Development, Heartstopper, Our Flag Means Death

The Mandalorian

Okay. So. This is the last show I watched with my dad before he died. We got to the first episodes of season 2 and I haven't watched the rest of it yet. Star Wars was our thing, you know? And I really miss watching stuff with him.

Honourable mentions of shows I would've liked to share with dad:

Kenobi, The Witcher, The Sandman

Shadow and Bone

This one's the most recent thing I watched, and it's where I'm at show-wise at the moment. Really, really liked it, and doing my part to get another season and hopefully, that Crows spinoff. My biggest current obsession. You get the gist.

Honourable mentions of shows I'm currently into:

Interview with the Vampire, The Crown, 911

...

Phew, this took way more work than is reasonable

[lilyevanstan1325]

🔥 Dangerous Game 🔥

Chapter 17

Amaya POV

Stunned and staggering, I return to the great Tower dragging myself towards the kitchen.

A shiver runs through me making me tremble all over.

Bucky is gone.

I still can't believe it.

I forced him to leave.

I think back to his words.

"Please stop playing the victim"

I've always felt like the victim throughout this whole story.

I am the victim.

But in hindsight he was too, he was always a victim.

Victim of HYDRA.

Victim of the choices those cruel men made for him.

As I did with him.

I chose for him.

I close my eyes taking a deep breath.

I admit I was mean to Bucky, I put all my anger in his face not caring about him and his feelings.

Am I repentant?

No, at that moment I couldn't have stayed by his side.

But if I could go back I would choose another way to end my story with him.

We loved each other, in our own way but we loved each other.

But basically we are just two broken souls who together were just trying to survive.

A noise behind me catches my attention making me turn my head abruptly.

Steve and Natasha have just entered the kitchen, Steve walks over to the counter grabbing two cups of coffee while Nat sits down with a slight smile in my direction.

They are obviously awake.

Bucky will surely drop by to say goodbye before he leaves.

An icy silence spreads throughout the kitchen.

From the way Nat keeps her head down, I understand perfectly well that my presence is putting them in trouble.

I understand them.

I understand Steve.

Bucky is his best friend, his brother.

They are one another's family.

I'm sure Steve is reliving his old pain in him, the pain he felt when he thought he had lost his best friend forever.

I have to say something, I feel I have to say something.

"Steve I..."

"Please shut up"

His abrupt interruption makes me jump on the spot.

Steve has always been nice to me and to any other human being, never a rude answer.

This outburst of anger really took me off guard.

Natasha's head jerks up as she turns to her fiance.

"Steve!" she scolds him between her teeth.

I look down guilty.

"No Nat, Steve is right" I murmur sadly.

My gaze lifts chaining to that of the man in front of me.

"I'm sorry"

"It's not true Amaya.You finally feel relieved.He is gone and you are free.Absolutely free to live your new life" Steve replies sadly.

Natasha gets up to join him.

"Steve, honey!That's enough"

Steve looks at his woman, a mixture of love and sorrow in his eyes.

"No babe.I've been silent so far but that's enough now.I know she is your best friend but Bucky is my best friend.And now he's gone because of her"

Steve speaks without taking his gaze from her even though his words are all for me.

Natasha turns to me.

"Amaya I'm sorry" she whispers, her eyes filled with tears.

I gently shake my head.

"That's okay Nat.Steve is right" I tell her, swallowing the knot in my throat.

"Steve I know you're angry and you don't believe me but I really didn't want it to end like this.I was wrong to treat Bucky badly but I'm not sorry for my choice.I couldn't stay with him"

Steve's hard eyes finally come back to my face.

"Do you want to know what I honestly think?" he asks me and I just nod unable to answer.

"I think you never loved him or at least you didn't love him as much as you insisted on making him believe.I can understand the pain and the disappointment but how could you forget him so quickly?How did you end up in someone else's arms so easily?"

Steve's words hit me like he just slapped me.

His words manage to make me feel small.

Dirty.

I lower my head back to observe my hands which are now torturing the hem of my shirt.

"This is not true" I murmur in a trembling voice.

"I don't think so.Amaya you know I love you and I consider you a great friend of mine but honestly I don't feel like you have suffered so much.You certainly haven't suffered as much as Buck"

I clench my fists in anger.

"You don't know anything Steve.My soul is torn apart since the day I lost my parents.The excruciating pain I felt led me to cut it all out...and what Bucky did to me was horrible but, in order to survive, I put my armor back on.I closed my pain at the bottom of my soul.I have to survive and if I had let the pain win I don't know if I would ever have been able to do it"

My eyes fill with tears.

I feel the anger running up my stomach until it explodes in my brain.

Steve snorts turning his back on me.

"He begged me to let him go" I say vehemently.

I see the Captain's shoulders stiffen.

"Good morning.Good morning sweetheart, have you been awake a long time ago?"

At the sound of Lucas' voice I try to find a minimum of composure but I think I have failed.

Lucas's gaze tapers and his smile fades from his face.

Obviously the situation could not go unnoticed.

Nat's shining eyes and Steve's stiffness in his body are already suspicious if he adds my tormented expression to it, it's obvious that he has noticed.

"What happens?" Lucas asks cautiously.

Steve turns to me, crossing his arms over his chest, giving me a mean half smile.

He is challenging me.

He wants to see if I can tell Lucas the truth.

I turn to the man next to me smiling bitterly.

"Bucky is gone.And Steve is mad at me because it's my fault"

Lucas watches me, his gaze is indecipherable.

"It's not your fault" Lucas murmurs trying in his own way to help me.

I smile at his thoughtfulness.

"Lucas, you also know it's not true.It's my fault.I talked to him, I tried to stop him but he was clear.He says he can't live where I am too"

Lucas remains silent and motionless, his arms dangling along his body.

I can see the confusion in his eyes.

Right now he hasn't the faintest idea of his position in this whole story.

We look deeply into eyes.

Lucas is trying to understand my true state of mind.

I break our eye contact when I see Steve rush out of the room.

Nat watches him go and before following him she approaches me grabbing my hands and squeezing them in hers.

"Give him some time.He'll get over it" she whispers to me.

"I'm sorry.I didn't want to hurt any of you" I whimper with my heart swollen with anger and regret for making my friends suffer.

The former Russian spy shakes her head and gives me a sweet smile.

"It's not your fault.I'll talk to him and make him think.Now he's hurt.He feels alone and scared"

I take a step closer and taking my hands out of her grip, I wrap my arms around her neck, squeezing her in an embrace full of love.

"Are we still best friends?" I ask with my voice broken with fear.

Natasha chuckles in my ear.

"Obvious honey.We will be friends forever" she replies, increasing her grip around my body.

"Go to Steve" I urge her.

"He needs you now" I add, sniffing at her.

We exchange a last look full of sorrow and many unspoken words and Nat leaves the kitchen leaving me and Lucas alone.

Lucas hasn't stopped looking at me for a moment, his eyes are glued to my face.

He's studying me, he's trying to figure out if and how much I can still be attached to Bucky.

"No more lies?" he asks me uncertainly.

"No more lies" I whisper.

I watch him as he leans against the kitchen table, right next to me.

"Have you talked to Bucky?"

I nod at his first question.

For a moment there is absolute silence in the kitchen, a silence full of tension.

I risk a glance in his direction.

He has his arms crossed and the muscles of his arms stretch the fabric of the shirt he is wearing.

His head is bowed forward and his eyes are closed.

I would like to reach out to caress his soft blonde hair but I hold back, this is not the time.

Now he just needs my answers and I'll give them to him trying to be honest.

I too cross my arms on my chest in order to keep my hands at bay, which are shaking dangerously at the moment.

"Did you ask him to stay?" he asks me and here I can hear all the pain in his voice.

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Because this is his house Lucas.He is an Avengers and the Avengers are his family.This is his life and I snatched it away from him"

Lucas nods, raising his head and opening his eyes again.

He turns to me that I have not stopped admiring his profile even for a moment.

"Are you sorry you done with him?"

I just shake my head in denial.

Our eyes remain chained.

"Do you still love him?"

I start visibly trying to mask the pain that his question has awakened in my heart.

I love him?

I don't know.

I don't know how to answer this question.

"Wrong question?" Lucas asks softly, hinting at a sad smile.

I sigh trying to find the words.

"No I...I...I don't think I love him yet but that doesn't take away the fact that he was important to me.And in the end it always will be.If today I reopened to love it was thanks to him, he gave me the strength to open up to life again.If today I am who I am it is thanks to Bucky" I honestly admit.

"This is not an answer Amaya.Do you still love him?" he asks me again, staring at me with such intensity that it makes me flinch.

I move nervously away from him reaching the window.

I observe my beautiful and fascinating city that has turned white during the night.

"I think not"

"Yes or no?It's a simple question Amaya"

"I don't know, okay?" I scream in exasperation as I turn in his direction.

I hear my heart beating furiously, the deafening echo of it echoing in my ears.

"Why are you stay with me then?"

I raise a eyebrow confused.

"Because I like you and because you make me feel good" I reply.

As if he didn't already know these things.

"That's all?" he asks me, joining me and standing in front of me.

I smile.

"Don't play this game with me Lucas.You always knew my intentions from the start.I've never hidden anything from you.You know what I feel and you accepted" I reply pointing a finger at his chest.

"If that's not enough, you can go.I never forced you to stay with me and I never will"

"It's true, you never forced me but you let me understand that you were no longer in love with him and now it turns out that you are no longer so sure"

I am stunned by his behavior.

I didn't expect such a ruthless attack from him.

People are never what they seem.

Suddenly Fury's words echo in my head.

Yeah, this is true.

First Bucky now Lucas, both are turning out to be the opposite of what I thought.

"I never play with you Lucas.Everything I've done I've always done because I really wanted it"

He shakes his head, the shadow of a bitter smile on his lips.

"Listen to me Lucas!I am like that.I'm not a perfect woman, I'm not the perfect woman you painted in your head.I am damaged, my feelings are.The years I spent killing people for Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. they reduced me like this.You...you are a good guy.You joined the S.H.I.E.L.D. to save the people, to save the world.I did it to kill" I admit aloud for the first time in my life.

I always let it be believed that I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to follow in my parents' footsteps...and it might as well have been if they were still here with me.

But when I did it I did it only to quench my thirst for revenge.

I smile because I finally feel like a huge weight has evaporated from above my heart.

Lucas looks at me in disbelief and I take advantage of his silence to continue talking.

"I had so much anger inside me that killing seemed like the best way to vent.I have been training for years and have become the best assassin in this world.I got to the point of killing with my bare hands just for the fun of it" I hiss as my stomach churns with rage.

The bile burns my throat as it climbs up.

"They were bad men"

I snort giggling at his sad attempt to console me.

I don't seek consolation for what I have done.

I'm not looking for redemption.

"Bullshit Lucas.It's just bullshit.If you had worked at my level and seen what I saw I am sure you would have left your badge on Fury's desk.They weren't just bad people.Sometimes they were simply uncomfortable people at S.H.I.E.L.D. nothing more"

Lucas narrows his eyes.

"Why are you telling me all this?" he asks me.

His shoulders are stiff, his whole posture is.

His hands are clenched in two fists and his jaw is tight and stiff.

I can clearly see his discomfort at this intimate confession of mine.

"To make you understand that the person you think you are in love does not exist.I am what I am.I am arrogant, presumptuous.I'm stubborn.I'm mean and soulless.What is left of the real me is a mixture of anxiety, uncertainty and pain.I am living but I am already dead" my voice dies out on the last words.

"I thought I could go on living by letting myself be guided by feelings.I thought that with you I was succeeding..."

"But?" Lucas interrupts me.

"But you are too a good guy.Too sweet.Your confident way of seeing the world doesn't suit me.I tried.I really wanted your optimism to give me the right push towards a calmer life but it's not for me"

Lucas looks at me and I could swear I saw a flash of anger in his ever so kind eyes.

"Barnes is for you instead, right?"

I shake my head laughing.

"No.I choose me today.No man.I just want to learn to live for me and me only"

Lucas takes a step back, running a hand through his short hair.

He looks surprised.

I don't think he expected the discussion to take this turn.

Honestly, I didn't expect it either.

But I am tired and I will no longer allow anyone to judge my choices and my actions.

"So are you dumping me?" he asks me incredulously.

"I like you, I like to talk and laugh with you.The night we just spent was beautiful but I'm not ready for a relationship.And Barnes has nothing to do with it.The whole pivot of the matter is me.I have to love myself.I have tortured my body and my soul and now I have to apologize to myself.For too many years I have blamed myself for something that I have never been in control of"

Lucas laughs as if he is amused by the whole situation.

"This is a beautiful bullshit Amaya" he taunts me.

"Yes, I know" I reply accompanying my words with a laugh.

"I've never been much for this Zen bullshit but now I really feel the need to take care of myself.Believe it or not"

Lucas licks his lips as if he's getting ready to say something.

I observe him patiently giving him time to find the right words.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaims slamming his palm on the table in a nervous and angry gesture.

"For a moment...just for a moment I believed that you and I could really have a future.I also introduced you to all my friends.What a idiot!" he murmurs between his teeth.

"If it can make you feel better, just tell them that I was a bitch"

"It doesn't make me feel better Amaya.I thought we had told no more lies and instead you lied to me"

"And here you are wrong" I answer, approaching him.

"I've always been honest with you.I wanted to be with you day after day, no plans for the future.Day after day, just this.But apparently you didn't listen to me and you lulled yourself into the illusion that mine were just words.What did you expect me to tell you after one night that I love you and that I couldn't imagine my life without you?"

I know I'm blaming him harshly but I don't accept him changing the cards between us.

I never promised him anything and instead he is making me pass for a manipulative liar.

"We want two different things Lucas.You deliberately ignored my will"

Lucas clenches his jaw.

I have a point.

I'm a little sorry but I want him to understand the real reason for our breakup.

"I'm sorry.I didn't want to be so direct, I just want you to understand my point.I'm not asking you to accept it but to try to understand me"

I try to soften my tone.

Lucas is just a victim.

Another victim of my choices.

I am a really bad person.

"Lucas..."

"Go to hell Amaya" he spits angrily and then turns his back on me and exits the kitchen like a fury bumping into Sam.

"Hey man!" Sam yells at him recovering his balance but Lucas has now disappeared from our view.

Sam turns to me and joins me.

"What the hell is wrong with your friend?" he asks me rubbing his shoulder where Lucas hit him as he passed.

"Leave him alone.He is pissed.And he's not my friend anymore" I murmur, pinching the top of my nose between my fingers, my eyes tightly closed.

"I understand...trouble in paradise, huh?" he asks giggling.

"I wish there was a paradise.Here it's all a fucking hell" I grumble approaching the table and grabbing a chair I sit on it.

"Bad sex?"

"What?"

"I didn't hear you scream...so I guess it was a flop"

I roll my eyes.

"You're an idiot Wilson" I replied disconsolately.

"With Bucky you were screaming most of the time" my friend adds as if nothing had happened.

I look at him in shock, crossing my arms over my chest.

My face is on fire.

"What's up?He seemed very pissed off...maybe you pointed out your dissatisfaction"

"Sam you are an incredible gossipy.Anyway, for your information, I just decided to end our pseudo relationship and he didn't take it very well"

After a few moments, a hand pushes a hot, steaming cup of wonderful coffee under my nose.

"Thanks Sam.At the moment maybe you are the only person who doesn't hate me" I smile.

I would like to remain impassive but I feel the tears stinging behind my closed eyelids.

"Amaya?Amaya look at me please" Sam's sweet voice calls me back.

I try to erase the pain from the features of my face and I lift my gaze, planting it in Sam's chocolate irises.

"Nobody hates you"

I laugh, shaking my head.

"Bucky hates me.Steve hates me.Now Lucas hates me too"

"Steve?"

"Mmh mmh" I nod, returning to focus my attention on the coffee.

I take a few sips to relieve my parched mouth.

"This morning he literally told me it's my fault that Bucky is gone.And by his standards I would also be a whore" I giggle sadly turning back to Sam who at the moment has a rather confused expression on his face.

"Why that face?Basically it is true.Bucky left because he doesn't want to live where I am and I literally threw myself into someone else's arms in a few months.So..."

"Bucky is an adult man, if he wanted to leave it was his choice.It's not your fault"

I raise my eyebrows, a skeptical expression is painted on my face.

"Are you kidding me?"

"No Amaya.We are not children, loves come and go.Take Natasha for example.Before she met Steve and fell in love with him, she and Bruce were together.Yet now they continue to live and work together.Steve and Bruce are friends.That's what adults do.Bucky just needs time.As for Steve, for him everything is beyond the limits of decency, his centennial old ass has only what difficulty adapting to today's standards"

We look at each other for a moment then we both burst out laughing like two idiots.

Sam looks at me glad he got me a laugh.

"Do you want me to talk to Steve?"

I shake my head.

"I'll handle that.I have the situation under control" I reply.

I don't know if that's true but I want to try and fix it with Steve only with my strength.

We sit in silence sipping coffee enjoying a little quiet.

"You still love him?"

My God why?

Why they keep asking me this question!

"I don't know" I sigh.

"I hate him for what he did to me but a small part of me keeps repeating to me C'mon Amaya! It's Bucky" I admit in a faint voice.

Sam looks straight ahead.

"Do you remember last night?When did we dance together and I ask you if you were happy?"

"Sure" I reply.

It seems to have happened a lifetime ago and instead only a few hours have passed.

"I did not believe your answer even for a moment" he replies amused.

I turn to him to study his expression.

He gives me back a calm and serene look.

"And why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I know you.Amaya Snow doesn't take advice from anyone.Arrogant and pedantic as you are, you would have told me to go fuck myself.So I just waited for you to come to your own conclusions.Of course I didn't know it would only take you one night...but hey!You have always been a woman of a thousand surprises" laughs Sam.

I open my mouth to argue but closed it immediately.

Why?

Because Sam is right.

That bastard.

Sam knows he has the point and smiles triumphantly without adding anything.

"I hate you" I murmur as I bring my lips to the cup to take another sip of coffee.

"Nah, that's not true and you know it!" he rejoices standing up.

"Let's go" he urges me, offering me a hand.

"Where?"

"Let's go and do it"

"No Sam, I'm not in the mood"

"C'mon Amaya.You have always liked doing it with me and it always puts you in a good mood"

"Not today Sam.I have a commitment"

"Cowardly.You're just scared" my friend teases me.

"Wilson I don't understand all this urge of yours to be beaten in a fight by a girl.It's humiliating" I mock him.

"Woah woah!Last time I kicked your ass" he yells at me as I walk away.

I turn to him, continuing to walk.

"If that makes you sleep at night" I yell at him in response, shrugging.

In response, he shows me his middle finger and I walk away smiling.

I go back to my room to change.

I quickly put on some pants and a sweater, sit on the bed to put on my boots and grab my leather jacket from the top of the chair.

All strictly black.

Black like my mood today.

Black like my soul.

If I still have one.

I doubt it.

After all I just broke a sweet and good man's heart, I believe this one on Jesus' list of bad deeds is on par with skinning live puppies.

I stride away from my room but find myself slowing down near Steve and Natasha's.

I need to clear things up with Steve, I can't live with this sorrow.

I gather all the courage I have left and knock on the door.

To open the door is Steve who as soon as he sees me stiffens his posture.

"Nat is taking a shower, I will tell her that you have passed" he replies coldly and without even giving me time to open my mouth he is about to close the door in my face but I put a foot in the middle of the door.

"Ouch!Better this way because I have to talk to you.And I won't accept a no"

We stare at each other for a few seconds then Steve sighs and closing the door behind him agrees to talk to me.

He crosses his mighty arms and looks at me from top to bottom.

"I am willing to leave, I will be able to live elsewhere.Maybe get accommodation from S.H.I.E.L.D. I'll do anything in my power to get Bucky back"

Steve's gaze just melts.

"You don't need Amaya.I overacted before and I'm sorry I talked to you like that but I was hurt.I am hurt.Letting go Bucky doesn't make me feel good" the Captain admits with downcast eyes.

"I know and believe me I am immensely sorry for putting you in this situation.You are one of those few people I can consider a friend, I'm sorry I hurt you" I apologize with all the sincerity in my heart.

"That's okay.Friends?" Steve replies, offering me his big hand.

I watch him, a shy and genuine smile curls his lips.

I grab his hand and with a voice trembling with emotion I whisper "Friends"

Steve draws me into his arms and I cling to him as if he were an anchor in this sea of pain and loneliness.

"I didn't want him to go away" I whimper, holding me closer to him.

"I know it.I believe you"

Steve's words heartened me more than anything else.

We break away from our embrace a little embarrassed.

Steve scratches his neck moving from one foot to the other in an evident state of discomfort.

"Can I ask you a question Amaya?"

"Yes, of course you can"

"Do you still love him?Bucky I mean"

What the hell is wrong with everyone today?

I shrug unable to respond.

Steve understands my embarrassment and glosses over the matter.

"Ok I'm going now.I have a commitment for lunch" I announce starting to walk away from my friend.

Steve greets me but before he can go into his room I turn around and call him.

"Steve?"

He turns to me, his eyes as large and clear as the ocean stare at me.

"I broke up with Lucas"

Even though he would like to hide it I can see a flash of happiness in his eyes.

I know he'd still bet on me and Bucky.

I smile at him and walk away.

My annual Christmas lunch date awaits me.

The door opens after I knock a couple of times.

"I think it's time to buy a hearing aid" I begin as I enter the small apartment.

"I've been out here for five minutes, my ass is frozen" I murmur.

"Merry Christmas to you too Snow"

I reach the small kitchen and put down the food I have brought to the table.

"What are you doing here?" the man in front of me asks me.

I raise an eyebrow in response.

"You won't think I'm abandoning our Christmas lunch tradition just because I've become an Avengers!"

"Tradition?"

"We've been spending Christmas day together for thirteen years Nick, I think at this point we can call it tradition" I reply grabbing the beers from the bag and handing one to the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Why do you insist on calling me Nick?Even my mother didn't call me that" he snorts accepting the beer I'm offering him.

I laugh amused.

"Because I love to bother you"

Fury rolls his eyes and together, like every year for thirteen years now, we set the table filling it with takeaway food and beer.

Ever since my parents died I've always found myself spending Christmas Day with Fury.

At first he just called me into his office giving me stupid and boring tasks with the sole purpose of keeping me in the office with him.

Then slowly the food was added until we arrived to have a lunch at his house.

I think besides me only Maria Hill and Carol Danvers know where the director lives.

We eat in silence, enjoying the excellent food that Stark himself, knowing that I would not have spent lunch with them so as not to leave Fury alone, had taken care to order from one of the best restaurants in town.

"Stark always tastes great" Nick murmurs as he bites into a piece of roast.

"I know" I murmur in ecstasy as delicate mushroom escalopes melt on my tongue.

"Much better than that miserable take away we're used to" I add, sprinkling it all down with a generous sip of beer.

Fury is studying me, his good eye points to me like a hawk would do with his prey.

"What's up?" I ask confused.

"What are you doing here Amaya?Why you are not with your friends?Or with your new boyfriend" Fury asks me.

"Christmas is spent with the family.You are my family.I would not leave you alone for anything in this world" I reply, glossing over the last part of his question.

Apparently the rumors are running fast.

Fury continues to scrutinize me closely.

"Don't look at me like that...Lucas isn't my new boyfriend.We were together, an adventure.But it didn't last long.Apparently we had different goals" I add.

I hope he let me go now.

"I imagine.He wanted you and you wanted Barnes.Difficult to reconcile your wishes"

Ok.

Forget it.

"Don't bullshit Fury.Bucky is a thing of the past and Lucas wanted something that I can't give him at the moment" I reply annoyed by his logic.

"What do you want Amaya?What do you really want?" the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. asks me grabbing his beer and finishing it in a couple of sips.

"I want to stop always feeling like I'm drowning.As if I have to continually struggle to stay afloat" I admit with a lump in my throat.

In front of me there is a man who, even though he may appear gruff and heartless to the whole world, cares about me and I know that I can trust him.

"I feel a prisoner even though I am free.Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and never open them again"

My eyes fill with tears.

"I would just like to have mom and dad back" I add bursting into tears.

I look at the man in front of me who looks at me with regret.

He lets me cry, he doesn't console me with his pity or with stupid phrases of circumstance.

He just lets me vent.

"This is the life Amaya.It often sucks and to survive we must try to do our best"

"But I'm tired of surviving.I am tired.I want to live" I admit sadly.

"Yet I have seen you live.I saw you happy my daughter"

Fury rarely addresses me like this and when he does it is because he is really worried about me.

"When Sergeant Barnes was by your side, I saw you alive" adds Fury.

I shake my head.

"That is the past.What Bucky did..."

" Bullshit Snow" he cuts me off abruptly.

"Be honest with yourself at least.Can't you really see the good faith in his behavior?Do you really think Barnes lied to you for the fun of it?"

I look away from him unable to hold his gaze.

I have never been good at holding his attentive and enigmatic gaze, capable of digging deep into your soul.

In these five months I haven't tried to be honest with myself in the slightest.

"Fuck!" I exclaim in exasperation.

I let myself be guided by anger because anger is the only feeling in which I find myself.

I have lived a life in anger and the idea of stopping and examining my true feelings has always scared me.

If I ignore certain feelings they can't hurt me.

Because I am just a human at the end of the game and how much pain can a heart take before it collapses?

Fury sees the hesitation in my eyes.

"Do you still love him?"

"What the hell do you all have today?Why do you keep asking me this fucking question?" I shout in exasperation slamming my hand on the table.

The dishes clink with the reverberation of the blow.

"Yes or no?" Fury insists.

I close my eyes throwing my head back.

When I open them again in front of my eyes there is only the white ceiling which after a few moments turns into Bucky's face, his eyes as blue as the twilight smile at me full of love.

A tear rolls down my cheek.

Damn!

Bucky POV

The lake at night is truly wonderful.

Black and smooth like a velvet cloak.

I refused to live in the Royal Palace precisely because I love the nature of this enchanting place.

I asked if I could have my old hut by the lake back and T'Challa, who is a kind and generous friend, satisfied me immediately.

So, after having modernized it and adding some comforts that, according to Shuri, cannot be missing in the life of a human being, I returned to the lake.

Calling it a hut is an understatement.

It is at least three times bigger than my old accommodation and if the former one had a cot and a small bathroom this is absolutely crazy.

It has a kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom.

I look up to the sky and remain enchanted.

Here the stars are more beautiful, without the artificial lights of the city they shine by the millions above my head.

Now the month of May has arrived and soon I will have to return to New York for Steve's wedding.

I don't feel ready to leave Wakanda yet but I could never do such a wrong to my best friend.

Or to Natasha.

In this months I stayed in touch with everyone.

Even Tony and Sharon call me at least once a week to check on my condition.

Steve and Sam keep me constantly updated on everything, except for her.

I was clear about this from the start.

Nobody has to name her or tell me about her and her new life.

It is already difficult to free myself from the thought of her without being told about her.

I'm trying to let her go.

It's hard but I'm trying.

A small noise attracts my attention, there is something moving in the bushes.

It will surely be some small wild animal.

I return to contemplate the lake but the noise gets closer and this time it is accompanied by a soft meow.

I get up and approaching the bush where that little moan comes from and I find a small white kitten.

Trembling and dirty, this little wad looks at me in fear.

"What are you doing here, little one?Where is your mom?" I ask, bending over my knees and moving the branches of the bush I make my way towards him.

"Meow" meows him in response bringing his nose close to my hand.

I let him smell me and avoiding sudden movements I grab him and bring him to my chest.

"I got you my little friend.Don't worry" I whisper to him and as if he could understand me, he sinks his little head into my chest.

I quickly enter the hut, grab a couple of soft towels and create a kind of nest for him.

I carefully place him inside.

"Stay here, I'll be right back"

I get up and go to the kitchen from where I grab a bowl that I fill with water and another where I put some leftovers from my dinner.

I go back to my little friend hoping he didn't run away.

I find him where I left, he intend to lick his paw.

He looks hurt.

"Hey buddy, take it!" I tell him bringing both bowls close to his nose.

First he takes a few sips of water then literally pounces on the fish that has left over from dinner.

I smile heartily.

"You like it, huh?It is very fresh.I didn't catch it but I can guarantee you that it is the best fish you will ever eat"

I sit on the floor and watch the little ball of fur that is hungry and gorges itself.

After he finishes eating he drinks again and then limps up to me.

He rubs his little head against my thigh purring.

I caress him, his fur is bristly.

I think he needs a bath.

"How about washing my friend?So maybe I can see how your paw is"

I don't know how the hell is that possible but this cat almost seems to understand what I'm telling him.

He climbs on top of me and holding him close to me, I take him to the bathroom.

I place him in the sink and opening the water a little, I begin to rinse it, I soap him by washing its fur carefully.

When I finish I wrap him in a soft towel and then I dry him well using the hairdryer.

When he's completely dry I turn my attention back to his injured paw.

I grab it and he just blows in my direction.

"Sorry buddy but I have to make sure there is nothing serious"

The cat meows in response and lets me grab his paw again.

Nothing serious, it looks like a simple cut so I just disinfect his paw carefully.

Tomorrow I will take him to Shuri so that she can control him better.

I sit on the bed taking my new friend with me.

"I think I can't keep you with me" I sigh sadly.

"At the moment I can't even take care of myself"

The cat rubs itself on my legs and then climbing on them gracefully curls up on my lap.

I look at him dazed.

In a completely instinctive motion I begin to caress him, his purr is almost relaxing.

"Don't look at me like this!The last time I got involved with a pair of clear and bewitching eyes, it didn't end well for me"

"Meow"

"Yeah buddy...life sucks!"

I grab him and place him next to me.

"Now it's time to sleep.Tomorrow I'll look for a new home for you"

I think loneliness is starting to hurt me...I'm talking to a cat.

I sigh and turn off the light of the lamp on my bedside table.

I lie down crossing my ankles and bringing my arms behind my head, I close my eyes trying to relax but suddenly I feel a small grip press on my chest.

I open my eyes and furball has risen on my chest and looks me straight in the eye.

It is quite disturbing.

"What's up?"

"Meow" my little friend replies.

"Ok ok!You can stay"

The cat starts purring and curls up on me as he turns around.

"Creepy cat" I murmur watching him.

"I think I need to find you a name at this point" I murmured thoughtfully.

"How about Alpine?"

He lifts his little head by bending it to the side.

I laugh.

"Ok!Go for Alpine" and so saying I begin to caress him letting my mind wander.

Just before closing my eyes, Amaya's face comes back to haunt my thoughts.

Her eyes as green as absinthe are the last thing I imagine before slipping into a dreamless sleep.

"Make sure he eats and don't let him go out at night, he could get lost" I repeat for the tenth time.

Shuri rolls her eyes.

"White Wolf, you are worse than my mother.You are too apprehensive.Alpine and I will be fine"

I raise an eyebrow.

Ok I admit...maybe I'm a little anxious to leave my little friend.

"Shuri..."

"Oh c'mon Barnes!I promise you I'll be careful.No alcohol, no drugs and no strip clubs" Shuri murmurs, placing a hand on her heart.

I can't help it but a smile curls my lips.

T'Challa joins us passing next to his sister and leaving a caress on Alpine's little head.

"The jet is ready White Wolf"

I look my friend in the eye.

"T'Challa I will never thank you enough.Really.What you are doing for me...you know you don't have to.You, Shuri, your mother, your wife Nakia are all so kind and loving to me and I have nothing to give you in return" I admit feeling embarrassed.

For the second time these people welcomed me back to their home.

And I have nothing to offer him.

T'Challa sees the torment in my eyes.

"Listen to me my friend.You are a good man and I just want you to be okay.Don't think about anything else, you don't have to repay me for anything.If you want to make me really happy, talk to your loved one when you are in America.A love as great as yours is something rare.Pure.Don't get lost out of pride"

"I tried T'Challa but she decided for both of them.She doesn't love me anymore"

Behind us Shuri snorts.

We both turn to her.

"Barnes you understand very little about women.From what you have told me I can assure you that she loves you, she loves you very much.Only a woman in love would react with such anger and once the anger has passed she will see things more clearly" the Wakanda princess tries to reassure me.

"You are right, my sister.And you know it my friend" whispers T'Challa placing a hand on my shoulder.

I look at my friends and nod with little conviction.

Almost six months have passed and the idea that I will see Amaya in a few hours drives me crazy.

I left New York to try to forget her, to detoxify from her.

And instead I always find myself at the same point.

Wounded and in love with a woman who no longer feels anything for me.

I walk up to Shuri and look down at Alpine.

"Be a good boy my little friend" I whisper, stroking him behind the ear.

His purr fills the air, making me smile.

I look back on my friends and I embrace them both with enthusiasm.

T'Challa returns the squeeze while Shuri gasps in surprise.

I've never been the type to show affection but they have given me so much that they deserve all my respect and love.

"Thank you" I whisper, grabbing my bag and walking towards the access ramp that will take me to the jet.

I spend the hours that separate me from my arrival in New York imagining my first meeting with Amaya.

Will she be happy to see me?

Will she have forgiven me just enough to be able to tolerate my presence?

These and hundreds of other questions haunt my mind to the point of leaving me stunned and breathless.

I can't go on like this so I try to shut her out of my thoughts as best I can and focus back on the fact that I will finally see Steve again.

I'll see all my friends again.

A voice rouses me from my torpor.

"Sergeant Barnes?We're about to land" the commander's voice echoes in the jet.

"Thank you" I stammer in reply, seating myself better and fastening the seat belts.

Looking out the window I can already see Stark's tower.

I feel my stomach closing in a grip of anxiety and excitement.

Finally here we are.

The jet just has time to touch the roof of the tower that I rush out.

Everyone is waiting for me.

Almost everyone.

Steve is the first to run to meet me and in a moment I find myself crushed in his warm embrace.

The scent of him fills my nostrils.

Family scent.

"I missed you so much brother" Steve murmurs in my ear, his voice trembling with emotion.

"I missed you too" I reply continuing to hug him tightly.

As soon as we part, I am overwhelmed by other arms.

First Natasha, then Sam and then Tony and Bruce.

They are all here to welcome me back.

After moments of joy and excitement it's just me and Steve.

Together we headed to my room and now we are both sitting on the bed to get lost in a thousand chatter.

"And so tomorrow is the big day" I sigh.

"How do you feel?" I ask turning my gaze to my best friend.

"Well my friend.I feel good.Everyone asks me if I'm scared but how could I be?I'm about to marry Natasha, the woman of my life.Scared is the last thing I could be.I'm happy, excited"

I look at my friend as he speaks and the light that shines in his eyes makes me happy and hurts me at the same time.

I'm happy for him because Natasha is his soul mate and they both deserve all this love.

But at the same time I suffer because I too wanted all this for myself.

For me and for Amaya.

Steve senses my train of thought.

"How do you feel about seeing her again?"

I think about it for a few seconds.

"Oh man!I'd rather be kidnapped and tortured by HYDRA again"

We look into each other's eyes for a couple of seconds then burst out laughing loudly until with tears we collapse on the bed.

We both stare at the ceiling lost in thought.

"Everything will be fine Buck!I promise you"

"I hope so.I really hope so" I murmur in response.

I will see Amaya again shortly and I have not the faintest idea of what will happen.

How will I react to seeing her?

Will I be able to speak to her?

And above all, how will I survive when I see her next to her beloved Lucas?

At the moment I have no answers to my countless questions but of one thing I am sure...

I went to Wakanda to get better and forget her.

And I can say with complete confidence that I absolutely did not succeed.

I'm a pathetic jerk.

Please comment, share and rate ❤️

🔥 Masterlist 🔥

@deansapplepie

Taglist

[casspurrjoybell-26]

The Contract - Chapter 9

*Warning Adult Content*

The sound of Donovan's soft moans as he grips my hair tightly invades my ears, he then presses my head further down onto his cock.

I start gagging on it, for what feels like the hundredth time as he grunts out with his head tilted back against the locker.

My eyes start filling with tears and my mouth is dripping with spit and precum mixed in one as I keep his cock inside my mouth, until I gag yet again and take his manhood out my mouth so I can catch my breath.

I feel like I can't breathe, he's too big and actually hurts my throat, I can't even fit him inside my mouth without stretching my mouth wide enough just to accommodate him.

"Hmm," he mumbles out, looking back down at me with a satisfied look. "You're bad at this."

I want to bite his humongous cock off.

"You're just too big," I snap out annoyed. "Are you trying to kill me with this thing?"

He laughs a deep chuckle as his chest rumbles.

"You'll get used to it."

He grabs his cock and puts the tip against my lips, keeping eye contact.

"Stick your tongue out," he commands and I do as he says, clenching my fists in preparation. "Good boy. Now use your tongue to lick... Yes like that," he huskily says, in a thick voice. "That's good, keep doing that."

I lick his hard cock as he directed and repeat the action with my tongue, up, down, curl it around the tip and then repeat.

Donovan's chest rises and falls more urgently than before as the grip on my hair tightens, making me perk up as I feel that he's close when he locks eyes with mine again.

Something awakens in me and for the first time ever, I feel powerful, having this man at my mercy with a single flick of my tongue and as both of us are men, I feel a sort of competitiveness about the action of making him cum.

It drives me to lick more roughly and faster as he never tears his eyes from mine as I watch him near to exploding.

"Fuck," he hissed out, pulling my head forward.

He looked so sexy right now, it made me get more into it and start... to enjoy it more.

I wrap my lips around the tip of his cock as he cums inside of my mouth, making me gag immediately as he keeps my head in place, making it so I had no choice but to take some of his cum down my throat.

I cough out instantly as he releases his hold on my hair, I take this moment to spit out the rest of his cum as it drips onto the floor in front of me.

"You're an asshole," I curse, rubbing my mouth with the back of my hand, as I glare up at him.

He smirks and rubs his chest with a nearby towel.

"I've been called worse. You did well, with practice you'll be sucking my cock like a professional."

I roll my eyes and ignore him as I go to stand up and grab a near towel.

"Fuck you," I mutter, wiping my face. "Do you have to put it like that?"

He laughs and stands up.

"Not the workout I expected but you won't hear me complain."

I want nothing more than to punch him in the face once the words left his mouth.

"Want me to help you with that?" he hints at my erection as he comes up behind me.

I push him off me.

"No, I can take care of myself."

"Clearly," he hums, pressing his chest against my back and wrapping his hand around my erection.

I almost fall but he catches me and brings me against his chest.

"No, seriously," I say, feeling my face blush and my heartbeat race. "I can do it myself."

He grunts out as his hot breath hits my ear and his teeth bite down on my ear, making me grunt out surprised.

"You just swallowed my cock whole, Evan and you're getting shy from me offering the same?" he huskily laughs.

I want this conversation to end so I can dig myself into the biggest hole and bury myself in it, I've never felt so embarrassed by something so much in my life.

Donovan lowers my boxers and wraps his hand around my cock and squeezes, making me cry out at how sensitive I am and how hot and rough his hands feel.

Fuck, his hands feel so good, it makes me feel weird.

"Please," I beg, tears escaping from my eyes as I shamefully try to hide my face, hating how I feel right now.

"Please what?" He asks, biting down on my shoulder gently, making me jolt, as his grip tightens around my erection. "Tell me what you want, Evan. How do you want me to help you?"

I swallow the thick lump in my throat as tears fall down my face, not knowing why I'm crying, when all I feel like is touching myself, from being pent up the entire time I had his erection down my throat.

There's no point in hiding anything in front of him… not anymore, not after how much we've already done together.

I want him to touch me and make me cum, so fucking bad it hurts.

"Your hand," I cry out. "Touch me with you hand, please," I beg, squirming in his hold.

Donovan's hand starts moving heavenly at a pace that makes my legs go weak as he starts jerking me off in a move that instantly makes me want to explode.

"You're so cute," he whispers against my ear. "Crying like that in front of me will only make me hard Evan. Do you know what that means?"

I shake my head timidly and he presses his new rock-hard erection against my back as his grip on my cock keeps it's rhythm.

"It means I want nothing more than to fuck you senseless until you can't walk for a week without feeling my cock inside you with every step," he filthily states. "Do you want that Evan?"

I choke back a sob and shake my head as I feel myself grow extremely close to cumming.

"Cum in my hand. Let it all out," he snarls.

His touch became painfully hard and tight and that's when I couldn't hold it back anymore, I let it all out as I leaned against his chest as my legs shook with each thrust of my hips as I empty everything into his greedy hand.

I can't even think... my head is hazy as I try and blink the tears out of my eyes.

When I come to, I realise we were standing in front of a mirror and a sink and that Donovan was watching me the entire time that I came.

The heat that rose to my face was nothing I had ever experienced before, I felt like I was going to pass out but Donovan holds me up with his strong arms as he leans me to the locker room seats.

When I look up, I finally see the expression on his face, like a man who just won a billion dollars, it was a look of smugness and pride as he went and wetted a clean towel to wipe me down.

I'm too tired to even lift my arms or move my legs, having never experienced something so intense before, Donovan notices and starts cleaning me up as I sit and watch, as I watch him focus as he wipes me down.

I can't believe I just let him do that to me, and that I actually enjoyed it, more than I ever thought I would.

Who the hell is this guy?

[liptonsbabe]

Honeymoon Avenue [S.U]

Sam Uley x Fem! reader

Summary: Sam and his pack are determined to get rid of Bella’s baby as soon as it’s born. You are adamantly opposed to that. Sam is mad at you and you know you guys don’t live on the honeymoon avenue you used to be on anymore.

Warnings: None

A/N. well, hello! I’m back with another Sam imagine for u guys! i just wanted to say that i used a sentence starter from this list , sooo all the credits for you hun! Enjoy!

Same note as ever, english not my mother language so forgive any mistakes lol

Buy me a  ☕? 

"what are you going to do when someone you save kills someone else in the future?"

You looked at Sam from across the kitchen, both of you had your arms crossed over your chests in a clear sign of annoyance. It was nighttime, the room was dark and you could only see your faces by the light of the TV on from the living room.

Sam was furious. His back was tense, fists clenched and teeth gnashing. Bella was a few hours away from giving birth and that had the whole herd nervous. Sam thought the baby was a threat to the reservation and wanted to get rid of it at any cost. You heard him say it at home, while he and the rest of the boys were having a meeting to decide how they would deal with the Cullens.

The pack tried to keep that conversation a secret because they knew you would refuse. You were Bella's friend and you got along very well with the Cullens, so trying to convince you of the danger that pregnancy posed was a hopeless.

In the end they couldn't keep the secret anymore and Sam decided to tell you everything, including the plan they were making to protect the reservation. You refused and it led to such a passionate fight between the two of you that Sam began to shake. You knew he would never hurt you, of course, because he had a great control over his wolf and wouldn't let him out when you were so close.

Still you asked the boys to leave you two alone. You calmed down a bit and when your bodies cooled down, you picked up the subject again.

You bit your lip, looking at him.

"Don't you think you're going too far, Sam? It's just a baby."

"We don't know that yet."

"It's inside Bella."

"That doesn't assure us anything. It was created by a vampire."

"Edward was a human at some point in his life like any other, don't you believe in the possibility that it could be born as Bella? as a human!"

"Yeah, but I also believe in the idea that it could be born as a vampire. And if so then it won't be able to contain the thirst. It would wipe out the whole town in less than an hour."

"You're exaggerating."

"I'm thinking about possibilities. I'm not just the leader of the pack, I'm the protector of the whole reservation, of our community, of the council. I need to make a decision and I want you to back me up for once in my goddamn life, (Y/N)"

You saw him hunch forward as he rested his fists on the back of the chair. The TV light flickered and through the darkness you swore you saw the way Sam's body shivered softly.

"Haven't I supported you enough?" you claimed moving closer until you were under the door frame. He stood up and looked at you wearily "Haven't I taken care of the pack along with you all this time? I've been like a second mother to those pups, I've fed them and cared for them as much as I can. And I do it because I know it's tiring for you and because they need to be with you every moment every second of the day and I've never reproached you for it. I love to see them every day, take care of them and protect them because I know that in that way I am taking a weight off your shoulders. Haven't I done enough already? Do me a favor and stop being so ungrateful."

"I never asked you to do that."

"You didn't, but I'm your imprint and we share responsibility" You approached him slowly, sighed and took his hands. You were tired of fighting. For months now something in your relationship had changed and you didn't feel it like before. At first you seemed to live in a permanent honeymoon, but with everything the pack had been through lately Sam was living in constant stress and it was reflecting so much in your relationship.

Now you would end every argument in a terrible fight that led you to feel guilty the next day.

Sam squeezed your hands gently and looked you in the eye. You didn't want to fight anymore, you were tired, yet you were going to try everything to keep Bella and her baby safe as much as you could.

"You've always said that we imprints are part of the pack. We are on the council, we protect the reservation and keep the secret safe. We do the same as you but without becoming wolves or sharing our thoughts. That makes us almost the same. Sam, if your words are true, if you have been truly honest, don't you think I can take part in the decisions you will have to make? We are... family. We all are. You have to listen to me."

"You are an important part of the pack. You, Kim, Rachel... but you can't interfere. Not in this."

"You'll make the wrong decision."

"I'll take the consequences."

"You think the Cullens are just gonna sit back and watch their family get attacked? They'll turn it into a war! Another goddamn war, Sam, don't you get it? He's a baby!"

"I'm not going to discuss this with you anymore."

"You will!" You grabbed him by the arm as Sam wanted to escape out of the room. He stopped "You will do it, Sam. Have you stopped to think for a second what Bella is going to suffer? The damage you will cause her? It doesn't matter if that baby is born human or half vampire. It will still be her child and she will protect it like an animal. Could you kill Bella if necessary?" Sam was silent, thinking. You squeezed his arm, pleading "Have you thought... what you would do if the situation were different? If I were pregnant with your child and the Cullens saw it as a threat...what would you do?"

"It's not the same."

"But if it were..."

"That’s enough, (Y/N)."

"If our child were a wolf from my womb, if it were born with the condition of transforming at every moment, on my arms..."

"Enough, (Y/N)"

"We would love him just the same and protect him with our lives. We wouldn't let him hurt anyone else because he would have us to contain him and then..."

"I said enough!"

Your body froze as you heard Sam's scream echo through the walls of the house. He had never used his commanding voice with you, he had never made use of that act of authority over you and that he had used it at that moment kept you in a permanent shock. You felt a terrible weight on your heart and without saying anything else you went up to the bedroom, closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed. Then you heard the front door open and close and Sam howling as he ran into the woods. You sighed heavily and convinced yourself that things between you had undoubtedly changed.

[zhongli-topper]

Hello, that Zhongli fic is *chef kiss* can I request dom reader with xiao, with orgasm denial, overstimulation but also praising him? Can the reader be gn? but fem reader is fine too. I've can't stop thinking about this man please, sadly he didn't come home so I'm here stalking xiao tag 😔

xiao x dom reader - taking care of him (nsfw)

pairing: xiao x gn reader includes: praise, orgasm denial, overstimulation, light dom reader/sub xiao a/n: thank you so much, lovely! 💖 sorry for the delay, i got busy with life. i love xiao, he’s baby and he absolutely deserves to be taken care of~

“Xiao.”

It never fails to astonish him, how just the way you say his name can feel like a caress, and you don’t even need to touch him. Despite his instincts, despite the voices that tell him to take up his burdens in solitude, he finds himself drawn to you like a moth to light.

“Come here?”

Under the lantern-light of your room at the Wangshu Inn, your voice is somehow softer, your gaze darker than the velvety night sky settling over Dihua Marsh.

He approaches you on the bed, stance wary like a cat’s. You know his caution is born of necessity, a natural outcome of his thankless and eternal battle, but right now it mainly makes you want to hold him and comfort him and try to help him untangle that ball of pain, even if just a little. Even as he sits on the bed next to you, his body’s tense, and still fully dressed even though you’re ready to sleep, if you felt like sleeping, which you didn’t.

You turn slightly towards him and place your hand over his, and the warmth of your skin seeps even through his glove, and even to a two-thousand-year-old adeptus, the mystery of human touch is still something unfamiliar to him—though with you, he’s learning to grow accustomed to it.

It had been a relatively slow process, even in mortal, human terms. After Xiao had begun to accept your fleeting, friendly touches during your acquaintance, it had taken a while for him to reciprocate, and even longer for either of you to progress into more physical, intimate forms of affection.

In that time you had learned to read the subtle shifts in Xiao’s moods, the quiet differences of his anger and sadness, and the rare, sun-bright glimpses of his happiness. For him, learning to be vulnerable was—and still is—an uphill battle, but in the time you two had been together, you could sense what he needed, and right now, with his brow drawn and hand clenched beneath yours, you were determined to give it to him.

“Xiao,” you say again, and flip his hand to thread your fingers through his. “You seem tense. Did anything happen today?”

“No,” he answers automatically. Then he frowns. “I’m the same as ever. What makes you say that?”

You’re a little stung at his blunt tone, but you know he means nothing by it. You shrug. “I know you, Xiao. I’d hope you would give me a little more credit after all this time.”

He looks at you fully then, and his frown deepens as though he’s disappointed in something. “I—I know.” He blinks, his lashes fluttering. His gaze grows determined then, and squeezes your hand in return. “I need…”

“Yes?”

“Just…” He shakes his head, a frown etched into his features. “Memories of the war. They’re… being difficult to deal with again.”

He averts his gaze from yours, suddenly shy. “I… thought I would ask if you…” His mouth presses into a thin line as he cuts himself off, seeming to be embarrassed at what he was asking you to do.

“What did you want to ask me?” you encouraged him.

“If you would… help me to forget. To stop thinking about it.” As he said it, a pink tinge bloomed across his cheeks, an endearing sight that clued you in as to what kind of activity he had in mind. You turn your hand over and twine your fingers with his, and you’re happy to see him reciprocate rather than shy away as he had done in the past.

Giving him a small smile, you nod. You pull him closer, slow enough for him to get comfortable, and press your lips to his. “Then, let me take care of you, Xiao.”

~*~

You kiss him, slow and deep, and he melts under your touch, his hands grasping at your shoulders, your arms and chest, anchoring himself to your body. He’s taken off his accessories, leaving him in his sleeveless top and pants. In between kisses, his breaths already have an uneven quality, as he presses himself into the warmth of your body.

You pull back to catch your breath, and see that even with his eyes closed, his brow is still clenched, and you smooth over the crease between his eyebrows with your thumb, following it up with your lips. He shifts on your lap, and you can feel through his pants that he’s already half-hard, and trying not to rut against your thigh.

You smile against his skin. “You’re doing so well, Xiao,” you whisper, kissing close to his ear after you say it. You can feel him shiver, just slightly, at your praise, which you’ve learned is something that really gets him going.

“Do you want me?” you ask, just to make sure.

His fingers clinging onto your shoulders tighten and he nods fervently, refusing to meet your eyes.

“Please.”

You swallow the rest of his panting breaths by sealing your mouth over his, and slowly you push up the fabric of his shirt, his tight shirt that never left much to the imagination. Xiao might have been small, but his body was solid and muscular, and his naked skin under your hands was hot. You could feel the vibrations of his soft moans as your palms dragged up his toned torso, over his abdomen to splay your fingers over his chest and play with his nipples.

“Y/N…” he pants, forehead pressed to yours. “I…”

“Shh,” you say. “I said I’d take care of you, love.” You let your mouth trail over his jawline and down his neck, enjoying the little huffs of breath he lets out. “You deserve to be taken care of.”

You feel him hesitate. It’s always been difficult for him to admit to it, that he is worthy of such gentle, loving attention, but you want to make it known to him that he is.

Your lips descend to his chest, and you swirl your tongue around his erect nipples, drawing small gasps from the adeptus. He soon grows pliant beneath your caresses, and you easily push him down to lie on his back, and place the hem of his shirt in his hands so he can hold it up.

“Keep that there,” you instruct him in between kisses down his abdomen, until you reach his waistband and the tent he’s forming in his pants. His lips are trembling as he looks down at you, already sensitive from your kissing. He attempts to reach down with one hand but you bat it away, prompting him to return to holding his shirt up, and you slowly pull his pants down.

He’s already hard, the tip of his dick starting to leak precum, and you press your palm to its top before sliding it down his shaft and encircling him in a loose fist. You pump him a few times, and lower your head to his hips.

Your eyes flick up towards Xiao’s, and you can see him biting down on his knuckles, unwilling to make noise. You pause in your movements, looking at him meaningfully, and he growls into his skin.

“I want to hear your voice, Xiao,” you tell him, “I want to hear the sounds you make when you’re feeling good.” With your other hand, you let your nails dig into the muscle of his thigh.

He gasps at the sudden pain, releasing his hand from his teeth, then frowns at you, but you’re already smoothing the hurt over with kisses, getting closer to his cock.

“Don’t hold back,” you tell him. “That’s an order.”

He only grunts in response, but you stop moving and give him a pointed look until he says, “…I won’t.”

Pleased, you finally give attention to his cock. You start to leave a line of small, light kisses up the side of his shaft, lips fluttering over his heated skin until he’s gasping and barely stopping himself from bucking his hips in search of more friction.

“Good boy,” you say, “you’re following my instruction.”

He mewls as you give tiny licks to his cockhead, tasting the slightly salty flavor of precum, before swallowing it whole and sealing your lips over his shaft.

“Aa-ah!” He trembles, suddenly engulfed by the wet heat of your mouth. You close your fist around him and pump in tandem with your head, slowly building the intensity until his eyes glaze over and his hands threaten to rip the fabric of his top. All the while, he moans and whimpers, and you can see how his lips tremble in embarrassment before letting the sounds out.

You release him with a pop and his hazy stare goes to you, hips chasing after your face only to be stopped by a hand on his hip. You look down at him, and he’s so cute, panting underneath you, you can’t help but grin.  

“You look so cute like this,” you tell him, “feeling good under me. I like how you’re moaning too~”

His eyes widen and then his brow clenches, blushing hard at your praise. You give him a little kiss on the nose, his lashes fluttering at the contact. He had been getting close, you could tell, but you wanted to tease him some more.

You push his legs up and spread them, using your thumbs to massage around the cleft of his ass.

“Aah!” A high-pitched gasp leaves him, your fingers having taken him by surprise. His golden eyes fly towards you, in between his thighs, spreading his asscheeks to have access to his entrance.

“Nnh… that’s…” He bites his lip and trails off, apparently lost for words. You grope around for the bottle of oil you keep in your nightstand before spreading some over his hole, then continuing to massage around it, loosening up some of the tension in his muscles.

Apparently you’re taking too long, because he growls and says “Stop teasing,” which might have sounded threatening if not for the pleading, high-pitched note in his voice. At his demand, you let your nails dig in to the meat of his thigh—not too hard, but just hard enough to draw a small hiss of pain from your mewling lover.

“I said I’d take care of you, and I will,” you tell him. “Or don’t you trust me, baby?”

He grumbles and has to avert his eyes before saying, “…Yes. I do. Sorry.”

Xiao chews on his lip when you slip one finger inside, then eventually another. His small gasps are coming out in an uneven staccato, his hips writhing slightly as he tries to get your hand to hit that sweet spot inside of him. You settle in between his legs, adding a third finger, and he moans, clenching at the bedsheets.

“Fuck,” he groans, “please, deeper.”

You do as he says and curl your fingers as you drag them against his insides, and he all but howls when you press against his prostate.

“Y-Yes! There—ngh,” he gasps, opening his bleary eyes, looking down at you in a daze. You smile, keeping your fingers buried inside him, and grip the base of his still hard cock tightly. Sweat is sticking his dark fringe to his forehead and beading on his skin.

He presses the back of his hand to his mouth, his hips rutting into your fist, but you’re not moving, holding him too tightly. Rather than giving him pleasure, your hand is keeping him from cumming, even as you continue to pump your fingers inside of his tight hole.

“Please let me cum,” he begs, stilling his hips with effort, his thighs shaking as you keep thrusting at his prostate. He whimpers, clearly at the edge and overwhelmed at the sensation of being so close and denied his release.

“You can hold on for me,” you coo, your voice sweet. “You’re taking my fingers in so easily. You look so hot begging for me, I want to see more of it. Can you spread yourself open, baby boy?”

Panting, he lets out little huffs of breath as he bends his legs up, pressing his thighs against his chest, opening his legs wider. His face is bright red, his voice growing in volume when you resume thrusting your fingers and lower your head to take him in your mouth again.

Xiao sobs, the warm heat of your mouth engulfing his weeping cock, driving him closer to his peak even as you still grip his base.

You drag your tongue along his length in time with your fingers on his sweet spot, and he bites his lip bloody.

He all but screams, his hips and thighs shaking. His eyes are glazed and he seems lost for words, aware of nothing but the sensations your hands and mouth are giving him.

“I need to cum,” he cries, “c-close, please—”

He’s held out for long enough. You drag the hand on his shaft up along with your mouth, sealing your lips around his sensitive head, while aiming for his prostate once again. Like clockwork, his fists clench in the sheets and he cums, spilling down your throat.

You swallow down the salty, bitter taste of his spend, hearing him begin to quiet above you, but you're not done with him yet. You nudge again at his spot and give his cockhead a broad lick before sucking him back in.

He makes a noise of surprise, trying to watch as you don’t stop, but his entire body shivers from the overstimulation, and he's unable to prop himself up, instead shaking and boneless under your hands and mouth on the bed.

You pull your mouth off him for just a brief moment and say, “You said you needed to cum, baby. So be good and cum for me some more, huh?” You lock your eyes with his blurry gaze and keep them there as you begin to suck him off again.

“Ngghh,” he groans, and it doesn’t take too long until he’s shaking and fully hard again, and close to a second orgasm. When you feel him approaching his peak, you release his cock from your mouth, pulling a frustrated groan from Xiao as he cums a second time, a dry one, as his hips bear down on your fingers inside him.

“Good boy, Xiao,” you say when his lashes flutter open, slits of gold peering at you.

His whole body is trembling even after you pull your fingers out of him, and you kiss his sweat-slicked brow before wiping his cum off his stomach. He finally lets go of the sheets and then blinks at the torn fabric that falls from his hands.

“…You ripped the sheets,” you say with a laugh. “Was it that good?”

He grumbles again, turning on his side. “You kept going. I’m blaming you.”

Still smiling, you slide into bed behind him, and lay an arm around his waist. You can feel his soft exhale when you wrap around him, and he subtly nudges himself back, further into your embrace.

“You did well, baby,” you tell him, kissing at the sensitive spot under his ear.

“…Thank you,” he mutters, and you almost don’t hear it. You pull him close, nuzzle your cheek into his dark hair.

“You don’t need to thank me.” Nothing answers you but the sounds of soft breath, and when you check, Xiao’s fallen asleep.

You pull the blanket over the both of you, making a mental note to have them repaired in the morning. “Good night, Xiao.”

[skania]

The Final Stroke: Thoughts on Haru's conflict (+Rin)

Okay so reading all the summaries of The Final Stroke Part 1 has left me with A LOT of thoughts. About Haru, about Rin, about Rin & Haru and how all the different character conflicts will be tied together in Part 2.

BUT since I have been waiting YEARS for Free! to feed me some juicy Haru conflict, of course I'm sinking my teeth into that first because peeling off Haru's layers has always been my favorite Free! sport.

It's been a long while since I've tried to get into Haru's head AND I haven't even watched the movie yet so I'm probably wrong, but here goes nothing. As per usual, it will be long and image-heavy because I can't keep things short and sweet to save my life.

Also, it's heavy on spoilers about The Final Stroke so please do not read without reading Fencer's summary first!

AND since it's basically impossible to discuss Haru without discussing Rin and vice-versa, please do also expect a healthy dose of RinHaru.

Utsumi: Indeed; it’s a path Haruka never would have chosen himself. But despite claims that he doesn’t care about winning or losing or scoring certain times, he’s always been attentive to Rin’s presence. [x]

Please assume there's a huge "IMO" attached to this whole post.

In Season 1, we saw Haru struggle to understand that the reason for his emotional turmoil was quite simply that he wanted to swim with Rin again.

In Season 2, we saw Haru struggle because he wanted to follow Rin into the Pro world, but he felt like he didn't deserve to do so because he didn't have a dream and thus, no strong feelings about competitive swimming itself.

Needless to say, there's a pattern.

In Season 3, the series kind of took a detour. Still, it did plant some seeds, the most important IMO being the following:

"After I hit 20, I will be..."

"If you ask me what lies ahead of me, I..."

"You can't survive without throwing something away. I didn't want to throw anything away. But I lost."

"Maybe I don't deserve to compete at the global level."

Road to the World adds some extra layers to all that by showing us just what else is connected to that fear of Haru's.

Because, what do we see after Rin tells Haru that no matter what wall [Rin] faces, the one thing that doesn't change is his desire to keep swimming with [Haru]?

We see the moment Rin tells Haru "aim for the world with me, Haru!". Then, the moment Rin asks Haru what his dream is—right when Haru finally felt free after achieving the dream he had that season, that of swimming with Rin again. Lastly, we see the moment Rin asks Haru "what will you do?" when it comes to choosing between swimming in a recreational pool, or the one used by the National Team.

Every single one of these moments brought Haru closer to his dream—and Rin is the common factor in them all. So when Rin tells Haru,

It's obvious by those flashbacks alone what Haru's answer is. He, too, wants to keep swimming with Rin in that world.

But before the thought can fully form in Haru's mind, Albert flashes through it. We immediately see Haru's disposition change, and the result is the most telling of all.

Just like always, the imagery is on point. Rin and his desire to swim with him give Haru strength and purpose and Haru clenches his fist—but this time, Albert seeps that strength from him until his fist goes limp. And suddenly, Haru doesn't know what to say to Rin anymore.

Because, what Albert makes Haru wonder, is this:

From my limited perspective (like I said before, I haven't watched TFS yet), I think that might just be where the heart of Haru's issue in The Final Stroke lies.

I think a big part of why Haru wants to win against Albert so badly is probably because he wants to prove to himself that he does deserve to be in that world—like Rin. That all his friends are right to believe in him.

And he feels even more pressured because he thinks he's running out of time.

All this pressure to win—not to feel the water better or to be the best in the water he loves so much, but simply to win before he's "ordinary"—does not let Haru swim freely. He doesn’t swim like himself.

He is probably terrified of his own limits and of how close he might be to hitting them, and this fear and pressure are binding him.

Moreover, while Haru decided that he wanted to swim in that world, the truth is that he doesn’t know what the future holds for him.

He has no long-term, tangible plans. Unlike Rin, who wants to win a gold medal, Haru just wants to swim "in the whole world". This, added to the fact that he thinks he’ll be ordinary by 20 and that he has not managed to beat Albert, makes it so Haru is basically blinded to what the future can bring for him. He can’t see that sight.

Part of the reason for this, I feel, is that the series has never addressed the big elephant in the room.

What exactly does Haru get out of competitive swimming, besides swimming with Rin? Because "swimming in that world" is nice and sweet and idealistic, but it doesn't cover the fact of racing itself.

I used to talk a lot about why Haru needed to find a reason to enjoy competing even when it isn't against Rin. That he needed to find a reason to want that for himself. I even thought S3 may finally go for it, but it ended without Haru finding meaning in that "world of wins and losses", as he used to call it.

Usually, he’d look at Rin to point the way forward. And it is knowing that Rin (and to a lesser extent, Ikuya) is there fighting with him and aiming for the world as well that gives Haru some reassurance.

However, from what we know from the summaries, Haru isn’t thinking of them when he swims. He is entirely caught up on needing to beat Albert because of what it has come to represent to him.

There’s also the issue of Haru’s competitiveness. Haru spent a long time suppressing it and only indulging in it with Rin. But he has always wanted to be the best in the water—the one who "feels" it best.

It wasn’t that he wanted to win, or that he hated losing; it was just that he couldn’t simply accept that there was someone who could feel the water more than he could. (x)

So when you combine all of this, I feel like Haru has lost sight of the most important thing—that instead of swimming just to win, like it’s a job, he should swim to feel the water he loves so much and, most importantly, for the team (with his friend’s feelings in his heart).

That way, he could swim like himself and the water won’t be sad nor lonely.

This all sounds like a lot and it is. Haru is all but suffocating under this weight.

So, when Rin comes and tells him that [Haru] will be facing Albert alone—that they aren’t fighting him together, like Haru hoped for—Haru snaps.

It’s not only that what Haru perceives as the biggest obstacle to his dream (Albert) is standing before Haru (alone) and Rin won’t be there to share his struggles, but also that Rin is the reason he’s there in the first place because Rin is the one that made Haru stop wanting to be ordinary.

He’s the reason why he’s gotten to this point and the reason he came into the global stage and ran into Albert. He’s also the biggest thing Haru will lose if he can’t win against Albert—because if Haru’s dream ends, he won’t get to swim with Rin in that world anymore.

And now Rin’s walking away from swimming free and leaving him alone with this beast of a swimming machine and with [Haru’s] own limitations. And Haru feels trapped. He feels bitter. He feels betrayed. Terrified.

And, of course, lost. Because just like Rin once said, "Without you, I have nothing to aim for, you know?"

So, he snaps.

And by burning bridges with Rin, the very embodiment of "For the Team", the one person that he has always wanted to swim with most of all, the one whose feelings he was still connected to above all—by virtue of swimming together in that world, by sharing a dream—Haru now feels like he's truly alone in the water.

Haru is essentially turning his back on the very reason he swims for—in more ways than one. So, he’s becoming a second Albert. Only there to win, not to have fun.

Because that’s the thing. Haru says he’s doing it for his dream, but since he can’t see that dream clearly, he lacks direction. All he can see is the immediate future and all that stares back at him are his own limitations—embodied by Albert himself.

Albert represents, then, the road Haru must not take. Haru can’t be all about becoming stronger simply for the sake of winning—and he must definitely not do so alone. Like Ikuya said in S3, if Haru isn't gaining that strength for someone else (the team), there's no point.

So, since this is Free!, Haru needs to go back to his roots and truly swim for the team once again. But I feel like he also needs to re-contextualize his dream and truly define what it entails, for once and for all. Which, if we go by everything we've seen so far—should involve swimming with Rin.

Only then will he be able to swim freely again.

There's A LOT of foreshadowing and things from S3 that will most likely play a role in that and I haven't even touched Rin's choice to not swim free anymore, but this has gotten really long and I've run out of image slots lmao so I'll just have to ramble about those some other time 🙇‍♀️

[amazingmaeve]

atelophobia

atelophobia is the fear of imperfection. the fear of never being good enough

request - hello !! i've been wanting to see more sam wilson fics so do you mind if i request a soulmate au one and y/n and sam are frenemies of somesort? 🥺

summary:

y/n and sam haven’t been the best of friends. he always annoyed her and she annoyed him. he hates how snippy she is, she hates how sarcastic he is. however some jokes of his make her crack a rare smile and sometimes he catches that. two people made for each other.

warnings - angst, fluff

word count - 3.2k

a/n - its an au so no endgame/infinity war stuff happened. also no thanos. it’s my first time writing for marvel so go easy on me! also a happy late birthday to sam as well!

marvel masterlist // sam wilson masterlist

“Why did you assign me with Wilson,” Y/N seethed out questioning the man in front of her. Her arms are crossed on her chest with anger burning in her eyes.

The man before her, Steve Rogers, raises an eyebrow at her sudden outburst. Sure the meeting was already done but he didn’t expect her to be this angry about it. Steve thought that Y/N and Sam were getting along better now and this could help them get along even better. But apparently he was wrong.

“I thought you two were okay,” Steve asked, confused in his voice as she rolled her eyes.

She didn’t hate Sam. No one could really hate Sam. But sometimes he got on her nerves and she has a short temper and the conversation usually ends up in an argument with both of them stomping away. Y/N was always serious about the work so no one would get hurt.

So it irked her when Sam would be casually joking while on a rescue mission or a mission in general. While Sam hated how Y/N would never have any fun, yes Sam did take his work very seriously but he wanted to make the time more bearable for everyone.

So when Y/N snaps at him whenever he makes a joke or just laughs in general he gets kinda pissed off about it. She’s just so unbearable sometimes that it increased his anger even more.

For the past few months everything was fine between them. Of course not finding her soulmate was bad. She hated feeling alone while couples scattered across the Avengers tower. Y/N would roll her eyes everytime Wanda asked if she ever wanted a soulmate and she would respond no. She thought that all the time ‘I don’t need anybody’ but deep down she wanted to have someone to love her and to love someone.

At least there were some Avengers who haven’t found the one.

Sam this last month has been growing on Y/N. He’s been more nice and actually funny in her eyes. He would crack jokes at the right time which would make her let a little laugh out much to Sam’s confusion. It was common that Y/N didn’t smile often. But then everything changed.

One mission which was a rescue mission ended up real bad. It was a mission that only her and Sam attended since everyone thought it would be easy. But Y/N turned the corner and had a fist to the face, she attempted to grab the gun she dropped but the guy shot her in her stomach making her lay down on the floor, holding the wound. Blood was seeping out of it fast and she could feel her vision get real blurry.

Y/N thought she would die there on the floor and she was fine with it as long as Sam got the hostages home safe and him safe as well.

But when she felt herself almost get lulled into unconsciousness a figure appeared before her and soon she realized it was Sam. He looked down both halls to make sure no one was coming before kneeling down before her worriedness in his eyes.

“You’re gonna be okay,” Sam reassured, putting pressure on the wound. His words sounded like he was talking far away. Tears quickly blurred her vision as soon she realized he wasn’t going to get the hostages.

“You-you have to…..” Y/N began to say but flinched when Sam put even more pressure on the oozing wound.

“Don’t talk you can’t waste your energy,” Sam interrupted her and then picked her up bridal style and began to walk her out of the building. Y/N flinched and looked back to see if she saw the hostages anywhere but her vision was getting blurred again.

“The-the hostages,” Y/N stuttered though pain and biting into her lip from screaming out in pain.

“There fine I got everyone in there handled,” Sam reassured as they reached out doors and then lifted himself up and flew across the sky towards the Quinjet that got them there. Y/N closed her eyes and hid her face in his neck as her arms wrapped around his neck. Her heart was pounding as pain pulsed through her body. God she hoped the people were safe.

Then out of nowhere Y/N and Sam heard an explosion and Sam turned around to see the building that was just standing there was up in flames and smoke. Before Y/N could do anything she passed out in his arms as the pain began to get too much for her.

When Y/N woke up Steve was there with Natasha and he explained to her that the hostages unfortunately passed because there was the explosion.

Y/N felt tears fill her eyes as she sat up on the hospital bed. Steve and Natasha left to give her some space as she wondered where Sam could’ve gone. If she would’ve been more aware of her surroundings she wouldn’t have gotten shot and they would've got everyone out safe and fine. She failed them. And she failed her whole team.

Of course she was angry with Sam after this, he should’ve left her there so more people could’ve lived. But she was more angry at herself. She couldn’t face Sam or anyone for a few days. Y/N was awkward around Sam and had anger radiating off her while she talked to anyone. So people avoided her.

That’s why she didn’t want to be paired with Sam. She didn’t want to have history repeat itself.

“I’m sorry Y/L/N but you’re going to have to face him someday,” Steve apologized. He saw how affected she was about this and maybe Sam could help her get over it since he was there with her when it happened.

“Fine,” Y/N scoffed, bumping into his shoulder as she walked off to her room to get ready for this mission.

Her heart was beating as she started to get more and more nervous about this whole thing. She didn’t want anyone else to get hurt because of her. She didn’t want anyone to die. So she wouldn’t be having Sam’s jokes or his snide remarks this day, she needs to be on point.

Y/N got all of her weapons ready before walking out of her room and finally reaching the Quinjet where Sam was sitting down cleaning his guns out. Once he heard her enter the room a smirk graced his lips.

“Look who finally decided to show up,” Sam laughs, turning around to look at her but only finding her face clenching in anger. His brow furrowed in confusion not knowing what was going on with her.

“Let’s get this over with,” Y/N grumbled, taking a seat and getting all of her weapons in place. Sam snickered at her attitude with confusion all over his face.

Of course he knew that Y/N was upset but Sam thought she was over it by now, but he hasn’t seen her this past few weeks but he heard from Bucky that she was in a horrible mood. Sam sighed before going to sit next her which made her huff out of annoyance.

“Okay what’s your problem,” Sam snapped, turning to face Y/N who had shock written all over her face.

“Nothing,” Y/N lied straight through her teeth, not meeting Sam’s gaze which was burning a hole into the side of her head. She didn’t want to tell him that the reason she’s all broody is because of her own failure.

“I know you’re lying so just tell me the truth so we can at least tolerate each other,” Sam says frustration running through his veins as he rubs his forehead.

When Y/N didn’t respond Sam scoffed.

“Fine let’s just get through this and I’ll talk to Steve about us never going on a mission again,” Sam retorted then standing up and sitting on the other side of the Quinjet.

Y/N looked at him in shock, even though she showed signs that she didn’t like working with him, he was really fun. Now because of her own insecurities and failures she’s going to lose an incredible friend or enemy depends on how you see it. Of course Y/N knew it wasn’t his fault, it was her own. Y/N had to prove that she isn’t this failure that Sam or Steve sees in her.

She saw it in Steve's eyes when she was in the hospital and she believes that she just saw it in Sam’s eyes just now. Deep down she knows she’s a failure and it cuts to her deep to the core to even think about admitting it. The mission she failed just proves it to herself and everyone else even more. God she can’t even do her own job right.

Ever since Y/N was young she was all about being perfect. The perfect grades, the attitude, and eventually to try to be the perfect fighter. Imperfection haunted her as the people in her life, she believed were better than her and sometimes didn’t even like her. Steve usually didn’t talk to her unless it’s work, same with Natasha. Bucky never talks to her, Tony’s too busy in the lab, same as Bruce. Wanda was very sympathetic towards her though since she’s looked through Y/N’s mind. Wanda and Y/N are friends and Wanda is her only friend. Vision was more of an acquaintance.

Sam was different though. She felt the need to prove herself to him. Y/N didn’t know why she felt this since she never felt this towards anyone on the team so why should it matter what he thinks. Sam was an enigma to her, he was an amazing fighter and had this charming personality that made her want to smile but she was too stubborn to do so.

This fear of imperfection ruins things in her life sometimes.

The mission was a success and Y/N gave it her all as she got everyone out okay and the bad guys were all on the way to prison. But it filled that whole in her heart, it didn’t prove anything to her or to anyone.

So whenever she feels frustrated she goes to the gym and let’s all of her frustration on the boxing bag. Y/N is usually here often. She likes to stay fit and it acts as some sort of therapy to her. While she was too busy punching the bag someone entered the room and she didn’t even hear it.

“Damn what did that punching bag ever do to you,” Sam’s voice rang through her ears and she dropped her arms to her side and let out a long sigh before turning to face him. He was in his usual work out gear with a smirk spreading across his lips.

“It broke my heart and dumped a year ago,” Y/N responded, a sarcastic tone in her face as her arms crossed around her chest. Sam let out a laugh at her monotone voice and clearly didn’t seem amused.

“That is the first time I’ve ever heard a joke,” Sam chuckled.

“What are you talking about? I'm a very amusing person,” Y/N let out a tiny smile on her lips.

“Who told you that lie,” Sams’ eyes narrow in confusion.

“Piss off Wilson,” Y/N grumbled wondering why she was joking around with the man. But that conversation caused some butterflies in her stomach. She turned around and bent over to grab her stuff.

When she turned around it showed the soul mark that has been there ever since she turned 18. To Sam’s dismay and his eyes widened in shock as the soul mark matched the same to his on his shoulder. Before he could even mutter a word Y/N left the gym giving him a sarcastic smile.

Sam just stood there in shock. His soulmate has been there all along and he didn’t even notice it. He didn’t know how to feel about it, of course he found Y/N attractive and her attitude was sometimes tolerable. But she made it very clear she was all work and no play. Deep down he knew he felt something for her even before he found out about the soul mate crap.

“Sam you okay,” Steve waved a hand in front of his face trying to get his attention. Sam blinked, rubbing his eyes and nodded at Steve's question.

“Pair me with Y/N for the next mission please,” Sam bluntly asked and shock was written all over the captain's face.

“But you told me last night-,” Steve began to say as he looked at him confused.

“Just please do it and don’t tell her she’ll just get all pissy about it,” Sam asked with a pleading look on his face. Sam narrowed his eyes but nodded anyway.

“Your secrets are safe with me,” Steve promised.

Over the next few days Sam has been trying to talk to Y/N but she always seemed to be in her room and it was clear she didn’t want anyone in there. He needed to talk to her about this, he’s been looking for his soulmate for years and he has to do something about it. Sam’s sure that she has no idea about it since she probably would be more awkward around her.

For her next mission Y/N wasn’t sure who her team mate for this one would be. She was hooping it would be Wanda since she was more comfortable around her than anyone else. Though she wanted to resolve this situation with Sam but was too stubborn to do it.

As she walked to the Quinjet she felt her heart drop as she thought she knew that Sam was going to be there. Even though it was tough to admit she liked Sam’s jokes and his whole persona. He wasn’t even that annoying to her but she has built up so much walls to protect her heart from anyone so she wouldn’t get hurt.

“I thought you didn’t want to work with me anymore,” Y/N stated as she entered the Quinjet and saw Sam sitting there with his leg jittering. He jumped not knowing that she entered the room and relaxed when he saw it was her.

Y/N didn’t blame Sam that he didn’t want to work with her.

“I need to talk to you before we go to this mission okay,” Sam firmly stated, making her eyes furrow as she had no idea what he wanted to talk to her about.

“Okay,” Y/N stated she tried to shake the shock off of her body. She sat next to him since he needed to talk about something. “What do you need to talk about,” She asked fiddling with her thumbs.

“About your soul mark,” Sam softly said resting one of his hands on top of hers making sparks flow through her whole body. It felt weird and she didn’t know. She didn't even know why he wanted to know about her soul mark.

“What about it,” Y/N asked curious as the pad of his thumb rubbed comforting circles on the top of her hand.

“I have the same one,” Sam whispers looking directly in her eyes and at first Y/N thinks this is one of his jokes so she let’s a little giggle out at it. But when he wasn’t laughing with her she looked at him with an un comprehensive look on her face.

“What,” Y/N says as she tries to remove her hand from his but he caught and gave it a squeeze. With a sigh he released her hand and lifted up his shirt to show his shoulder that the soul mark was placed. He bent over the seat he was in a bit to let her get a good look at it.

She was shocked as she stared at his back. Her soulmate was Sam Wilson and man she thought she despised and despised her. Her fingers trailed across the skin and kept staring at the mark. It was identical to hers. Goosebumps fluttered across Sam’s skin as she caressed his skin.

“How,” Y/N whispered as she removed her hand and he sat up straight pulling his shirt down.

“Well everyone’s got a soul mark when they’re born-,” Sam smirked as he started to respond to her question.

“Not like that,” Y/N smacked his arm.

“You’ve been working out haven’t you,” Sam grabbed his shoulder faking a wince. “Okay okay I’ll be more serious,” He put his hands up in defense. “I just can’t believe that my soulmate has been here all this time,” He says in disbelief.

“You don’t want me,” Y/N blurted out as she stood up and walked to the middle of the room as Sam stayed sitting down for the moment. His shoulders slumped as his face was contorted into disbelief.

“And how do you know what I want,” Sam fired back, crossing his arms.

“I just do and you won’t want somebody like me,” Y/N snapped, used her hand and pointed to herself and rested her hand on her heart which was racing.

“Why are you so closed off,” Sam fumed, standing up walking in front of her, his stance matching hers. “Why won’t you let anyone in,” He snapped, glaring at her. He hated the way he was talking to his soulmate but he needed some reasons.

“Because I’m a failure,” Y/N shouted as tears brimmed her eyes. “I couldn’t help those hostages. I don’t even know why I’m an Avenger, I suck so bad,” She ran her hands through her hand and tugged on the roots.

Sam stood there flabbergasted as Y/N turned around and cupped her mouth to keep the sobs in. She knew this was gonna happen, this has been building in her for a long time and it was about time that the volcano exploded.

“You’re not a failure,” Sam says still in disbelief that she would think this about herself. He walked so that he was standing in front of her and cupped her cheeks in his hands. He wiped the tears that fell from her eyes. But she had them closed not wanting to give into him. “You’re one of the most badass women that I know. And even though you can have a snippy attitude I know that you want to help people,” Sam softly says pressing his lips to her forehead making her shiver from the electricity.

“How can you think that I’ve been horrible to you,” Y/N says her voice hoarse from crying.

“I also know how dedicated to work you are and that I can disturb that sometimes,” Sam smiles, removing his hands from her cheeks.

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Y/N nervously chuckles looking up at him as she feels heat crawl all over her body.

“How bout this you make it up to me by buying me a coffee,” Sam bargains a smile plastered on his face.

“Are you asking me out,” Y/N asks, feeling a bit of giddy in her.

“Depends on the answer,” Sam shrugs. She gives him a smile before leaning up and pressing her lips to his and putting her hand on his neck. His hands go to her hips as they stand there and kiss.

The Quinjet flying off breaks the two apart with smiles on their faces. The tears that were once there have been dried away and her heart was feeling better.

“I’m guessing that was a yes.”

[enigma-im]

Eighth day of Christmas...

Trope: Heat (NSFW) Relationship: Werewolf x Human Word Count: 7,058

I knew the moment I stepped off the bus that I was in trouble. From the horrid heat and melting pot of people, this was going to be a challenge. The dry air nearly made me cough the second I got off the steps. Everyone seemed as annoyed with the environment as I, which is a small relief. Looking around at all the people was both a relief and a nightmare. We all had no idea what was going on but I knew I stood out like a sore thumb.

"You," someone shouts, silencing the crowd. I look around till I spot a hardened older Soldier making his way towards me. The crowd splits before he can charge through. The man glares daggers at me before stopping uncomfortably close.

"Me," I ask, pointing to myself with unease.

"Yes, you," he shouts," what other mutts around here would I be talking to?"

"Right," I nearly drop my shoulders," what do you need?"

"I wanted to get a look at the first werewolf soldier who gets to become my guard dog for this year," he answers, appraising me with discontent," I expect excellence from you, mutt, this few months you will be chewed up and spit out a better dog than a better man. You have big shoes to fill, guiding your kind into the future and not a single one of us will give you an inch or centimeter to make mistakes. Do I make myself clear, private!"

I feel a bit wobbly at his words," uh, yes."

The man leans closer to my face, shouting despite the distance," What was that, mutt? Stand tall, be loud! Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," I stand at attention, my stomach rolling into knots.

"That's better," he steps back," Now follow me."

The crowd splits again as the Drill Sargent stomps onward. As he passes, the young men and women look to me, a good mix of intrigued and disgust decorates the group. I straighten my shoulders and march after the man, keeping my head held high with pride.

The first werewolf to join the military, I got a lot to prove.

Conversation with the higher-ups of the camp was tense. I didn't expect it to go as well as it did, though a few sly jokes were made at my expense. They were all weirdly supportive of having me at the grounds, looking forward to trying out their new regimen for my kind. Having a stronger and more capable creature in their boot camp came with its own challenges it seems. They all seem excited to see what I can do.

A lot was explained, trying their best to just keep things running smoothly. No one was going to go easy on me and I'm expected to surpass even the best of their squads. I'm oddly invigorated to take on this challenge.

"With everything all situated, is there anything else we may need to know," the Executive officer asks. He is a sweet man, to my surprise, and has been appreciatively thorough with his preparations.

"Yea, we don't want any issues to come about with having you here. A lot of the soldiers are looking to make an example of you already, though you've done nothing wrong. So if there is anything we have to prepare for then please make light of it now," the senior drill sergeant explains.

"Nothing that I can envision happening here. I'm here to work and become the first in a line of werewolves to join the armed forces. Things will remain respectable on my end so if anything does go wrong I promise it won't be my fault," I answer. A big moment like this I can't even fathom screwing it up with some stupid actions. Let the people make their jokes and rude comments, I'm not bothered in the slightest.

"So we aren't going to catch you humping one of the other recruit's legs, right," the senior drill sergeant jokes.

"Don't want you going into heat and trying to fuck every woman in a mile radius of you," the executive officer joins in. I smile despite the discomfort, shaking my head before explaining.

"No, no, I may turn into a big mutt but I'm not so savage as to do something like that. Don't believe the women would be too receptive to me doing such a thing either. When little Fido does it, it's funny. When I do it, it's enough to get me sent to jail," I joke with them. The two laugh, easing some of the tension.

"But you do go into heat, don't you," senior drill sergeant asks," we look out for medical emergencies and if that will become an issue, let us know ahead of time."

I shake my head," no, that won't be an issue. We only go into heat for a specific person and finding them here would be one hell of a terrible time but I highly doubt it will actually happen. I'm sure I would have smelled them in the crowd if so."

"Specific person," the officer snickers," how romantic, Fido."

"Sounds romantic but I've seen some friends go into rut over their mates, it's not that romantic," I wince, remembering all the fights," it's not a hallmark movie moment, sir."

The officer cocks a brow, wary," I'm almost tempted to ask but I'll refrain for now. Either way, I'll have sergeant Crews bring you to your barracks, and hopefully, we won't have to speak again anytime soon."

I drop off my things at my bunk, sorting them into a chest before heading off to P.T.

The first week of basics is easy, though I'm warned about next week after some miss placed words. My squad takes to me nicely, though I can do without the nicknames. It's a better week than I could hope for after the horror stories from active duty members.

We all sit in the crowded mess hall. Murmurs of conversations can be heard over the disgusting chomping of food. In times like this, I almost wish I didn't have such great hearing. The wet slobbering is beginning to turn my stomach.

"Hey, Spot, is it true you transform on the full moon," Casey, a fellow recruit, asks beside me. I snort, picking at the slop on my tray.

"No, I can do it whenever I want," I answer," full moon thing was for you people to pin some other garbage on the magnetic effects the moon has on the earth."

"oh, wow, movies lied to me again," he lightly bangs his hand on the table," what about silver? Does that do anything for ya?" I scoff, looking at him a bit amused. It has been a lot of teasing but I haven't had anyone sit down and ask before.

"No, silver doesn't do anything for me. Neither does holy water, crosses, or garlic," I tease. Casey rolls his eyes, looking back to his meal with a pout.

"I'm not an idiot, those are for vampires," he grumbles. I chuckle, amused by this human's questions. As I tease the man some more I catch a wondrous smell.

"Besides, I know a normal bullet would work on you anyway," Casey points his fork to me. I can't pay him any mind as I slyly glance around. My heart is racing and pounding against my chest as the smell completely engulfs me. Please no, not now. As I'm looking towards the door I freeze as someone walks behind me. As if everything slowed to a halt I look to the recruit walking over to her table. I can't help but gawk though her attire isn't much to be aroused by.

Brown hair pinned up in a bun and terribly fitted brown and camouflaged clothing. It's meant to be plain and nonattention grabbing but she makes it work. My body thrums with need as I watch her sit at the end of the bench. I can't look away as she eats, looking at her lips like a starved man. I want her, I need her. It's the only thought that runs through my mind.

She couldn't come into my life just a few months later could she?

The whole day I feel like I'm on fire, sickly and distraught. I haven't even been here this long and I feel like I'm about to ruin everything. Surely I can just explain to the XO that I have to deal with this and get right back to basics. I nod, it won't be such a long delay, I'll be right back here shortly.

I head straight to the office, stubbornly marching past the groups still running about. The heavenly smell barely permeates the hot dry air but still nearly knocks me on my ass. My attention snaps straight to her doing push-ups with her squad. She makes quite the sight all sweaty and focused. I can't help but stop and watch.

The squad's drill sergeant walks the rows, screaming motivating insults to them all. My little mate grits her teeth as he passes by, her arms shaking each time they straighten. The sergeant stops before her, crouching down as she stays propped up.

"Getting tired there, private," the sergeant baits," want to take a little break, perhaps?"

"No, sir," she barks out.

"Then get that face in the dirt, let's go," he snaps back at her. The urge to run to the man and deck him in his hooked nose is strong. I have to shake my head of the thought to actually get some semblance of control. She gets back to her exercise, going hard and strong into her next set with a stiff focus on her face. It's admirable to see anyone as determined as she looks. It picks at my heart a bit.

I'm not just taking away this chance for me momentarily but her too. Would she want to take the time off to deal with me? It can't be that big of an issue but starting over has to be something she rather not do. I sure as hell don't want to start the week over even if it wasn't too difficult. She is human so it had to be hell for her. I hum, chewing my cheek.

With fist clenched I turn away from the offices and head back to my barracks. I'll just wait this out, three months is nothing. I can keep my cool that long.

I kept that line of thinking all up till I got to my bunk. The barracks are quiet, the snores of the recruits barely registering to my non-idle thoughts. Every part of me is racing, my heart, thoughts, limbs. I have way too much energy to just sit here. Closing my eyes does nothing but let the thoughts keep me up. I've never had such an issue before, especially here.

Staring up at the ceiling I think of my little mate. She's a cutie, that's for sure. Even with the unflattering get up I can't ignore the appeal of her body. She has strength, as does most of the people here, but watching her do exercises with her squad showed more than just basic strength. I smile to myself as I think about the determined look she had while finishing her set. I have a strong little mate.

I groan as my mind keeps replaying the scene over and over. I can only pray that the rest of the month won't be like this. Turning onto my side I force my eyes closed, trying my damndest to get even a few hours of sleep.

The next week I'm weirdly filled with energy. Every morning I wake up excited to do runs, outpacing everyone by miles as I speed down the dirt track. Exercises become a blessing and every moment I spend sitting down is one where I'm anxious to get back up. The nights are no better, my body humming with unspent energy. It feels amazing to get out there and work.

Sitting at the lunch table I shovel food into my mouth, leg bouncing under the table. I want nothing more than to get back out there and get rid of this energy but lunch is kind of important. As I unflatteringly gulp down the muck an erotic scent ceases my tension. Flowing over my body like a warm shower. I close my eyes, taking in the calm.

"So, I gotta ask," a woman before me asks," do werewolves generally have this puppy energy, or is it just you because watching you hall ass down the track is almost inspiring."

As I open my eyes I'm left gawking at the woman. My beautiful mate sitting just across the table, smirking with her arms crossed. I swallow hard, feeling oddly nervous at this moment. What should I say? Should I say something? She quirks a brow at me, waiting for a reply.

"uh," I clench my pants under the table," depends on the person?"

She hums," is that a question or an answer?"

I straighten," a-a answer, ma'am."

"Hey, lighten up," she knocks on the table," don't need any of the ma'am business. I just wanted to ask, you have been buzzing like a bee this past week and I was kind of hoping it was something I could learn instead of it being genetics." my palms feel clammy the more she speaks. She's so casual, I almost wish she wasn't. I can handle stupid full moon questions over this. I wipe my hand on my pants.

"Sorry, it's all genetics," I give her a half-smile," blessings of the father I'm afraid to say."

She props herself up on crossed arms, her breast squeezing together," so was your mom human? I didn't think you can cross-breed like that." my eyes flick down to her pushed out chest, gulping hard I look down to my hands. I wipe my palms on my pants.

"No, a werewolf can b-breed with anyone," I meet her eyes," just has to be their mate."

"Awe, that sounds cute," she coos. Before she can add anymore the sergeants come in to collect their squads. I watch her look to the crowd, her shoulders dropping. She turns back to me," well, was nice talking with ya, Cujo." with that she leaves.

I remain seated as everyone begins filling out. Looking to my lap I groan in frustration, I never felt more like a measly runt than right now. Couldn't even talk to her and I'm sitting here with a full chub. I look to the crowd once more, catching sight of her turning out of the doorway. Fisting my pants I whimper lowly in my throat.

If I knew talking with her would make things worse then I would have never done it. The night we first spoke was tenser than any before. I feel like ants are crawling all over my skin, my body unbelievably hot. My blankets feel scratchy and too rough on my sensitive skin. I can hardly sleep as all I can think about is that beautiful woman smiling at me from across the table. Her ample chest just perched on her crossed arms. My loins lurch at the thought, aching to a degree I've never experienced.

I fall onto my back, panting as I kick the blanket off myself. Looking down myself in the dark barracks I see the tent in my pants. I groan, thumping my head against the pillow. A boner over a minute conversation with a girl, surely I couldn't stoop so low. I peak at my lap, groaning again as I flex my toes. Perhaps a little attention can soothe the beast?

Timidly I slide my hand down my stomach, fingers sneaking under the hem of my pants. I grab the base of my shaft, squeezing it while slowly closing my eyes. Just have to do this quickly and I got to get some sleep. With the task in mind, I aim for fast. I pump my fist, going harder than I've usually started. My callused hand feels uncomfortable, not helping the smooth glide I need. I take my hands out of my pants and lick my palm before trying again.

I jerk off, feeling itchy and frustrated as I do. I try to get it out and done before anyone can wake up to notice but I can't get into it. Trying a new tactic I relax on the bed. Keeping my eyes shut I slowly pump my fist up and down my shaft, pleased with the torturous glide. An image of my mate sitting across the lunch table pops in my head, my cock twitching at the picture. I admire her harden face, the beauty in her full cheeks when she smiles. I wince as my fingers glide over my tip.

The image shifts as I stare at her tits resting on the table. They are laid bare, her sweet little nipples hard from the cold lunchroom. My cock pulses as I think about reaching over the table to grab her, grazing my hand over her little buds. A whimper tries to bubble out from my throat, the sound surprising. I can't pay it any mind as I imagine tweaking her nipples, watching her face twist in pleasure. In my palm my cock aches, demanding more as I pump harder.

The scene twists, she's bent over the table with her tight ass presented to me. I whimper again, bucking into my fist. A bulge nudges against my hand with every descent. It would be something to investigate if I wasn't so tempted to continue. I picture lining my dick up with her weeping slit, gently pressing my tip in with a retrained grunt. Another whine leaves me, the base of my cock throbbing worst than the rest of me. As fantasy me bottoms out inside her I bite my fist to reject the whimper trying to cry out.

"Fuck," I mumble in a cry. I jerk till I can feel my body shiver in its impending climax, utterly debauched at the fantasy playing out. As I reach my breaking point I grip the hard bulge at the base of my cock, squeezing as hard as I can as I cum in my boxers. My grip pulses as I unload all over myself.

My grip eases slightly as I catch my breath. I feel disgusting as the wet fabric sticks to my tip. Looking down my body I wince at the damp stain. I tug down my pants and catch a look at my still hard dick, I furrow my brow confused. Generally, I'm soft shortly after, not still ragingly hard. I look to the bulge still cupped in my hand. Well, that's new. I test a squeeze. A shot of pleasure jolts up my spine making my head feel fuzzy. I nearly curl into myself at the surprise. That's definitely new.

I take one more glance at myself, wincing at the sight. I'm no fresh pup, I know what's pulsing at my base. I just didn't think it would come out without being buried inside someone. Sighing, I tuck myself away and attempt to get some sleep. I wince at the sticky fabric, suddenly regretting not waiting till a more opportune time to do this.

Circling the track for the 2nd time I catch up with the squad. Everyone is taking a breather, panting hard after the three miles. I casually jog up to them, still vibrating with energy.

"How can you even do this, air bud," Scott grabs at his knees," I knew there would be running but…fuck."

I look at him bemused," air bud?"

"Well it's like my dog, Rufus," another squad member claps me on the shoulder," would just run around for hours once I let him outside." I look between the two.

"I just like running," I answer," I feel rather energetic lately."

We all talk as I bounce on my heels. The sergeant rounds us all up before heading off to the next part of PT.

We begin jumping jacks in our lines, listening to the drill sergeant scream encouragements. Looking off to the side I catch sight of another squad doing their miles. They all seem rather calm, must be their first mile. I watch them go by, just briefly catching sight of my little mate in the middle of the crowd. A smile curls on my face as I watch her run along. Her arms pumping and chest bouncing. A raging need thrums into my veins, my cock standing to attention. I watch her in a daze.

"What are you doing, boy," someone shouts, grabbing me by the back of my shirt. I stumble as I'm tugged backward, torn from my stupor. Catching my bearings I realized I've tried to walk out of formations, ignoring my exercises in favor of following her delicious smell.

"uh," I shake my head," Sorry, saw a squirrel." I half-smile, hoping the joke would land. He grits his teeth, tugging me back in line.

"I'd make you run another set but I think you would enjoy that, instead you're on patrol tonight, Fido," he shouts, walking back down the line," Let's start again, from the beginning. One, two, three…"

Lunch has me excited, feeling like my tail is ready to sprout out and reveal my pleasure. I quickly shovel down my muck, looking around like an eager pup for any sight of her. Spotting her coming out of the line and heading my way I can't help but wipe my face and straighten my clothes. I nearly bounce in my seat as she gets closer.

"So you do have a tail," Scott tugs on something behind me. I grunt, twisting around with a growl. Out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of my fluffy black tail.

"Ah, fuck," I grumble, looking to her coming closer then back at my tail. Without much thought, I pin it between the bench and my thigh.

"Hello, Cujo," she greets," you're endless energy for exercises will never cease to amaze me." she sits down at the table, her tray clanking against the metal. My tail tugs, wanting to break free. I open my mouth to answer, interrupted by someone clapping me on the back.

"Yea, it's making the rest of us look bad. He makes three miles look easy," Tyler jokes as he sits beside me.

"well, it is easy, you guys are just out of shape," she jokes back. I snort, glancing at the offended men on either side of me. My mate has a sense of humor I see.

"haha, hilarious, G.I. Jane," Tyler deadpans.

"It's funny you should say that because I caught you slacking behind your crew today," Scott props his smug face on his hand," it's bad enough they let dogs in the military but you women have a lot more to prove." I can't help but sneer at Scott.

She glares at him, crossing her arms and leaning forward." yea, well what's your excuse, cadet?"

Scott leans forward as well," got a handicap, love, hard to run with three legs."

My mate snorts a chuckle, shaking her head as she grabs her food," What kind souls the higher-ups are to let you join with such a clear handicap."

Scott bounces his brow," you know it, baby. I'll be happy to show you my treatment options, perhaps you can help?" I stiffen at the suggestion, my limbs and chest tightening as Scott continues to flirt. A low rumble climbs up my throat, back arching as I glare at him.

"Think I'll pass, I heard that men with large dicks tend to need too much prep work for a minute of entertainment," she bites back. Scott shrugs as Tyler chuckles, them all going back to their meal. The growl comes out louder, my teeth pricking at my lip as I snarl at him. Scott looks at me, recoiling at the clear aggression.

"You ok, Fido," Scott asks," looks like I'm trying to take your food or something." I feel everyone's eyes on me, confused and concerned. A possessiveness boils under my skin, demanding action against this male. I swallow hard, shaking my head as I glare down at my tray. Reigning back the shift, I shake my shoulders.

"Sorry," I growl," just feeling tense today." everyone nods, quietly eating their meals. I pass a glance to my mate, worried I pushed her away with my lack of control. We look to one another, the edge of her lip tugging up. She looks away with a shy smile gracing her beautiful face. I smile to myself as I eat.

After lunch I go for a run, feeling more anxious than yesterday. I dig hard, making record speed over my fifth mile. My body feels invigorated but anxious as I run. My brain goes a mile a minute, demanding attention to the one person driving me crazy. With Scott's words ringing in my ears all I can do is think about the threat. Someone is encroaching on my territory, challenging my claim.

I shake my head, I haven't claimed her. Hell, I don't even know her name. I run harder. Pictures of her flash through my head, my fantasy of the other night forcing discomfort to my groin. I shake again. Just running isn't doing enough, I need more now.

Slowing to a stop I take off my shirt. Crouching and pressing my fingers to the ground I allow my skin to break. I grunt with my bones snapping and rearranging. The pain feels great, an action my body agrees with greatly. With my claws digging into the dirt and fur bristling in the breeze I bolt down the track on all fours.

cadets and Sergeants gawk as I high tail it around the trail. I breathe heavy, tongue lulled to the side as I hear the air roar in my ears. Everything feels so open and free. This is something I've missed all week. Changing in front of everyone made me feel embarrassed, self-conscious. I'm not like them and proving that could lead to problems. Right now, I couldn't care less. I have other issues to deal with.

After running around for hours I fall in the grass near the tree line, laying on my stomach to bask in the sun. I should be exhausted now, all this mating energy out for the time being. Closing my eyes and resting my chin on my paws I relax. It's a lovely day out.

Sitting there for a moment I feel a burst of energy. I growl. Two hours of running on top of PT this morning, how can I be nearly vibrating with need? This mating business is getting harder and harder to ignore. All I think, hear, smell is her. My cock stirs against my stomach, the hot length pinned to the ground. I growl again.

Making my way to the showers I angrily toss my torn shorts and turn the water on. I step into the cold stream, shocked at the temperature. This should help, I can chill out before patrols tonight. Closing my eyes I press my head against the tiled wall. Not even a second in and I see her. I see her wet and naked before me, giving me eyes and beckoning me forward. I clench my fist and grow as my cock throbs.

"Fine," I grab my erection," you win again."

I jerk myself hard and fast, snarling as I picture pounding into her sweet cunt. Bucking into my fist I imagine her bouncing breast and wonderful cries of pleasure. I need her, I need her so damn bad. Baring my teeth with clenched eyes I feel my base ache. I grab at my knot, pinching it in a tight grip. I can feel my seed go up my shaft, spraying the wall. Whimpering, I pulse my grip on my base, sighing as each drop is let out.

"I can't keep doing this," I whimper," I'm so tired." my cock doesn't soften, even as I turn the water off and dry myself it still aches for her.

Walking the perimeter I look around the dark camp. My uniform feels scratchy and tight as I step. There are bags under my eyes and I'm still filled with energy. I'm tired and hyper at the same time. The walk around the base feels like a dream, hollow and dazed. I'm so sleepy.

The sound of a door opening catches my attention the same time a wonderous perfume punches me in the nose. My head snaps to a shed out a bit of way from the main building. A light is shining out the open door, a shadow cast on the sidewalk. I take another inhale of that sweet scent, my cock pulses.

Like a zombie, I shuffled to the shed. The corners of my vision are distorted as I turn into the doorway. My eyes snap to the person standing at the opposite end next to a shelf. She looks over her shoulder, smiling when she realizes who it is.

"Hey, Cujo," my mate greets," you look like shit, you ok?" she takes a step to me, concerned. A growl snaps out my mouth, my shoulders sagging forward. She recoils, taking a step back. I match her, taking one forward. "Cujo," she tries to say casually but comes out a little worried," you need something from the shed?" I take another step. Her back hits the shelf, startling her as she watches me stalk forward. With all my control out the window, I storm towards her, bracing my hands on either side of her head. My face buries against her neck, taking a large inhale.

"What's your name," I growl out, using the final bit of control I have to ask.

"S-Samantha, my friends call me Sam," she jokes with a timorous hilt. I lick up the taunt tendon of her throat, she shudders. "Cujo," she timidly runs her hand up my arm," what's happening?" I nearly purr at her touch. Her words barely register as I lap at her skin, drunk on her already. I hear the smallest whimper from her, making my ears perk up.

"W-what's your name," she asks as her hand glides up my back to card her fingers through my hair.

"Trevor," I bite at her shoulder," and I can't take it anymore."

"Take what," she says nearly breathless. I can't answer, only having enough thought to grab her thighs and lift her. Her legs wrap around my waist easily, pulling me against her heat. My eyes nearly roll with the friction. With little thought I slowly rock my hips, my tongue licking up her neck to her cheek then licking over her lips. Her fingers tug on my hair, scratching at my skin.

"You want me," she asks. I buck hard into her in answer, she chuckles. "Am I your mate," she asks. A spark starts in my loins at her saying such a thing. Does she accept this? Accept me?

Aching and primed I get her on the ground, licking her as I feel my tail stuck in my pants. My brain is muddled and unfocused, wanting to tear her clothes off and mount her right here. It feels wrong- it feels right. I bite at her shoulder again, frustrated beyond belief as I grind into her.

"S-sam," I whimper," Please."

She tugs on my hair again, snaking her hand under my shirt to pet at my sprouting fur. "What do you want, Trevor," she asks.

"You," I dig my teeth into her skin," you, you, you."

She laughs, rubbing her cheek against mine," then have me, big boy."

In a flurry of need, lust, want, I rip her shirt. I can't bring myself to feel guilty as her nearly naked torso is before me. I lather at her chest, plucking the little strap between her cups with my clawed finger. My tongue wets her nipples, chest, stomach, listening to her little adorable whimpers. I feel frenzied as I shove her pants down and bury my face against her cunt. She smells sweet, tastes like ambrosia.

"Oh, good boy," she grips my hair too tightly. I lap are her folds like a dying man, feeling my body pulse and rejoice. She is amazing and all mine, open and pleasured by me. Her body wiggles and grinds against me, forcing me to hold her hips. Her thighs clamped around my face, nearly covering my ears. I'm pleased to hear her cries and feel her tighten around my tongue as I force it inside her. Oh, by the gods, she's divine.

I continue showering my attentions upon her as she tries to push me away," that's enough, Trevor, I need you." my head perks up at her words. She needs me? I sit up, ripping my already torn shirt off my shifted body. I rush to undo my pants, tearing at them enough for my cock to poke through. I look down at her cunt, licking my chops with excitement. I fall over her, hands framing her head. My hips gravitate towards her, needing her more than air. I whimper as I can't bring myself to plunge into her like a savage. Whimper again I meet her eyes, begging her.

She smiles, reaching up and petting my cheek," go ahead, Trevor, I think I understand." overjoyed I lick her mouth, tail wagging freely now.

Now free to do as I need I look between us and nudge my cock against her. My tip spreads her folds but delving into her awaiting heat is hard. I can't think, instincts taking all my control. I whimper again, looking at her. She smiles sweetly, reaching down and guiding me. I wait eagerly for her to lead me, feeling her place me at her entrance. I shove forward, engulfed easily. I whine and growl as I push as far as I can go. I try to nudge further but my base is already swollen. I chuff.

With my new addiction wrapped around my cock I withdraw before plunging into her divine heat with a heavy breath. This is what I've needed, what I've craved. I can't stop myself from bucking into her hard and fast, demanding everything with each thrust. My ears ring as I'm taken to a world of pure bliss.

Samantha writhes and whimpers with me, grabbing at the fur on my chest. I lean closer, pressing my body to hers. My thrusts begin to shorten till I'm rutting into her with shallow humps. Short uncontrolled bucks that leave my knot knocking at her entrance. An overwhelming need overtakes me. I bump my knot harder and harder against her, demanding entrance with every nudge. With a hard push, she opens more for me. I grunt as I force it, locking her to me with a satisfied sigh.

We both wriggle against each other till I'm left whining against her shoulder, with a well-timed clench on her part I'm bursting inside her. I bite down on her shoulder, marking her as my cum paints her insides. Her walls flutter around me. I listen to her melodious cries as I cum. It's too perfect, too beautiful.

With my cock locked inside her I can't help but wag my tail and lick at her face. She giggles, allowing me to shower her in affection as she rests on the floor. I pamper her, licking at her sweat and cleaning every part I can reach. She is mine now, my wonderful mate.

As my knot begins to deflate I feel the week catch up with me. I collapse on her, my cock softening and falling out. She grunts as my weight is on her. My eyes begin to flutter, my body coming back to its original state. I drift off to sleep without a care in the world.

I awaken in an unfamiliar bed with unfamiliar clothes. Without much thought I sniff out my mate, wanting to roll into her comforting arms. A disgusting chemical smell greets me instead of her warm scent. I jump awake, scared, and worried immediately.

"Whoa, cool it, Spot," someone catches my attention. I snap my eyes to them, seeing a skinny man in normal military attire. The brown shirt and camo pants.

"Where is Sam," I growl, disoriented as adrenaline fills my veins.

"The girl? Probably talking with the XO," he shrugs," should be back here soon." the man looks to his computer on his medical trolley. Feeling he is distracted I jump from the bed and bolt to the door. I can hear him shout but I'm too busy taking in the scents around me. I look left, nothing. I look right, I smell her.

Charging down the halls I turn this way and that as I follow her trail. I feel stressed and angry, to an unbelievable degree. I need her in my sight, in my arms. Her scent leads me to a door, the words on the sign not registering in my mind. I slam it open, spotting her immediately.

"Oh, hey," she smiles as she turns in her chair. She has more to say but I interrupt her. Plucking her from her seat I slam her against my body and bury my face to her neck. I take in her scent, assess her health and the environment. The smell of another makes me stiffen but her fingers scratching behind my ear makes me purr. I can feel my tail wagging behind me.

"Tamed the dog, how cute," someone says. I snap my head to them, nearly growling at my XO. He sits at his desk smug, but still intimidatingly powerful. Though I hold back a sound I can't help but bear my teeth to him.

"Let's not antagonize the pup, alright," Sam jokes. She guides me over to the seats, parting to take her own. Looking from her to the XO I feel the urges again, a primal need to get her out of sight of this male. I shake my head to put myself back into a normal mindset. Reluctantly I sit down.

"Now the excitement is over, Cadet Trevor Galius. You are relieved of training till further notice along with Cadet Samantha Backster," he says calmly. I stiffen at the dismissal, looking at Sam in clear worry. Will she be mad? This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, taking her choice away. Sam glances at me with a disarming smile. I remain wary.

"For how long," I ask.

"Till next January, that's when winter training starts. For now, I encourage you two to settle all that needs to be settled before then," he glares over to me," I'd hate to have a repeat of this semester." I wince, looking down at my lap.

"Will this put a delay on werewolves being allowed in the armed forces," I peak up at my XO. He smiles to himself, dropping it quickly.

"I admire your dedication to this cause but no, there be no delay for werewolves. I hope you don't mind too much not being the first one," he answers. Most of my worries melt off at his words. The only person I'm potentially holding back is Sam, no one else has to suffer for my lack of control.

"That won't be a problem, sir," I answer.

With no final notes, we are dismissed. I walk with Sam out into the hall, fidgeting all the while. We walk out of the main building in silence. Should I say something? Is she mad? I pass glances at her, looking for any signs of distress. She gives nothing away.

"Just ask, I know it's killing you," she bites her lip to stop her grin. I fall apart, reaching out and pulling her against me. I can't take not touching her.

"Please don't be mad at me. I didn't want to force you out of training like this but trying to hold back was killing me. I'm so sorry," I whimper into her hair. She awkwardly pats at my back as I apologize.

"I'm not mad," she answers," far from it. I'm rather excited about all this. Like, it's not every day something like this happens."

I recoil from her, confused," you're not mad?"

She shakes her head," no, I actually had some guesses around our second conversation."

I look at her bemused," you did?"

"Yea, I knew about the werewolf mate thing from my cousin. I went to her wedding about two years ago and she was mated to one of your kind. She wouldn't shut up about how they met and the utter romantic garbage she experienced from him," she scoffs," it was almost sickening how sweet they were but I got to learn some signs. You have been tense and full of energy lately. I figured that was normal but you perked up a lot when I showed up. It was really cute. Still, I had some guesses and when you came to the shed it was heavily validated. So in the end, I'm not mad. Lowkey a little happy you didn't do some over the top romantic gestures like my cousin's man did."

I listen to her rant amused and amazed. She knew? A part of me thinks she just had some hopeful thoughts and wanted the signs to be for her. Or maybe I'm not as good as I think at hiding this. Either way, it doesn't matter because she doesn't hate me. She wants me and I can't do anything but be thrilled.

With a snort, I pull her into a kiss, ecstatic with the turn of events. She smiles against my lips, pulling me close. As we kiss a few people walk back, whistling and making sly comments at us. We part, chuckling with one another at their jokes.

"So you aren't mad you have to join back next year," I ask just to be sure.

"Maybe a little," she shrugs," I guess your just going to have to make me forgive you."

I growl, leaning down and nipping at her neck. Her shriek of laughter makes me giddy. I have my mate, and she's perfect.

[multi--kpop--fanfics]

There’s Blood On The Crown

prince!Xiaojun x queen!reader

genre: angst, horror, royalty!AU

warnings: heavy dark themes (blood, major character death, betrayal)

Part of THE CROWN - a collab call by @earth-to-that-asian​

Word count: ~1.7k 

Author’s note: The fic was beta read by @jaemotel and @intokook , who also made the header (thanxx bby💕). Inspired by the song Intro: Crown by Purple Kiss

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What do you say,

What if I ruled the world?

“Now, you may rise, Your Majesty, Queen Y/N”, the priest announces and you rise from your knees, the diamond crown resting proud but heavy on your head. You walk towards the balcony of the castle and look down, where the rest of the civilians awaited for you. You were their Queen now, the one who would guide them through thick and thin, especially after your beloved husband’s death, the late King Kun. 

“All hail the Queen!”, the crowd chants as you raise your hand and wave, the beaming smile on your face acting as a facade, masking your true feelings - uncertainty, sorrow and most importantly, fear.

Fear, because you trusted no one in the council. They never liked you in the first place, not only because you were the late King’s wife, but because you were also a very skilled fighter, one of your most valuable assets, hence why you were the Grand General of your kingdom before getting married to Kun. 

These weasels hated seeing a woman in power, simply because they wanted that power for themselves. But none of them had the guts to step up and claim the crown. They only knew how to scheme, bribe and conduct murders without ever getting blood on their hands.

There was only one person you could trust, the only one who truly recognized your strength and dedication to the crown - Prince Xiaojun, Kun’s brother and your brother-in-law. He was the only one who welcomed you with a warm smile and would always be respectful towards you. Everyone in the kingdom knew of his gentle nature and the civilians were always delighted to see the two of you take walks through the town. He treated you like family. And family is always there for you, just like Xiaojun today. You turn your head back and smile at him, an equal smile spreading across his handsome face. However, by the time you have turned your head back, his smile is instantly replaced by a clenched jaw and a stern gaze, burning with hatred and jealousy.

Nobody knows

It means nothing to me

Xiaojun enters the throne room, fully-armored, his sword sheathed on his back and his hunting knives strapped on his sides. You were seated in the throne, your white cape falling gracefully around you, the diamond crown and your silver chest armor shining from the sunlight that is creeping through the colored glass windows. Your image is a sheer contrast to Xiaojun’s, his armor being pitch-black, almost resembling an angel of Death.

“Ah, Xiaojun, what a delight to see you!” you state, smiling to him. “I haven’t seen you wear this armor in a long time. May I ask what’s the occasion?” you ask with curiosity. “I have decided to go hunting” he replies nonchalantly and you smile even wider, unaware of the true meaning behind his words. “That’s wonderful! Perhaps I could join you? I’ve been dying to leave the castle gates and get my blood boiling through some action” you slightly pout, albeitly tired from sitting around and letting your armor and sword get rusty. 

He chuckles at your reaction and he unsheathes one of the daggers from his arm and traces his finger along the edge of the blade. “I will not have to leave the castle to go hunting… In fact, my prey is right in this very castle” he states and takes slow yet steady steps towards your direction. “I-I don’t think I follow..” you stutter, fear starting to take over your senses. “What I am trying to say, dear Y/N, is that my true prey is not just within this castle - It’s right in front of me”. The realization then hits you.

It’s invisible but you know it’s mine

So where do you see yourself?

“You want the throne?”, you ask in shock, not wanting to believe that the one person you trusted ever since you stepped your foot in the castle was the one who wanted your fall. “I don’t want just the throne. I want the power that comes along with it”, Xiaojun admits, his ominous gaze fixated on you. The imminent danger awakes you and you yell with all your power towards the throne door.

“GUARDS!” and within seconds, your two strongest guards barge through the throne room, clad in heavy armor. “Prince Xiaojun has attempted murder against the Queen and is hereby guilty of commiting betrayal to the Crown. Seize him at once!” you yell and the guards point their weapons towards Xiaojun, who has seemingly raised his arms in surrender. “The accusations Her Majesty has made against me are completely false!”, he bites back, “Besides, I haven’t attempted murder..”, he adds and silently pulls out another dagger from his sleeve, “..Yet”. 

In a split second, he throws the daggers towards the guards and he hits them both in the blind spot of their armor, their cloth-covered necks, the sharp blades of the dagger cutting through the flesh. The guards are now flat on the marble floor, their lives slowly slipping away from their bodies that lay in blood. After recovering his daggers from the dead bodies, Xiaojun hears the familiar sound of a blade being unsheathed. He turns to you and he sees you holding your sword, your cape discarded on the floor, standing a few meters away from him.

“Finally, the queen has stepped down from her throne!” he spits, his voice dripping venom. "The Queen has a crown and she will do everything to protect it. Even if it means killing the prince", you prepare yourself and get into a fighting stance. "How ironic, to share the same goal at a moment like this", Xiaojun points out and unsheathes the sword from his back, "It's a shame you won't be alive to witness my success".

I am running for the crown

I keep breathing when you drown

You charge at Xiaojun with full speed, your sword in a secure hold. He throws a dagger at you to cut off your advance, but you duck down in the last second and you avoid it, closing the distance between you in the meantime. You fling your sword upwards, in an attempt to cut through his waist armor, but he is fast enough to parry your attack with his own sword. "You're fast, I'll give you that. But not fast enough", he mocks and pulls another dagger from his thigh, landing a deep cut on your forearm, making you cry out in pain.

The blood is staining your pristine blouse, but you don't care - you only want to stay alive in order to defeat Xiaojun. You kick his knee with full force and he groans, falling on his knees. "You know better than underestimating my skills, Xiaojun", you hatefully spit back and get up. You switch your blade to your intact arm and swing it towards his face, but he raises his arm and catches the blade mid-air. "I don't - I'm just reminding you how inferior your skills are compared to mine" he replies and holds the blade still, his fist now bleeding from the sharp edge. "You haven't even landed a proper cut on me, yet your arm is still bleeding from a mere dagger", he continues and stands on his feet, twisting his arm and the blade as well. 

You grit your teeth as you fight back the pain from your own arm being twisted and you lift your leg to kick him in the face, but alas, he's fast enough to swing his sword again and land another cut on you, this time on your leg. You feel the muscle joints being ripped apart and you scream once again, the blood gushing from the fresh wound. Xiaojun takes advantage of your vulnerable state and pulls the sword out of your grasp and throws it at the other side of the throne room. He then kicks you on the chest and you fall flat on your back, the diamond crown falling from your head. You try to stand your ground, but Xiaojun immobilizes you with his own body.

"It's truly a pity, Y/N. We could have been the most powerful and loved royals in the world… But you just had to fall in love with the fool of my late brother, didn't you?", he asks and caresses your cheek, the pretentious affection making you scrunch your face with disgust. "You will never be like Kun, you monster" you grit your teeth with anger, "Do you know why? Because he was always faithful to the people. Because the people are the true crown-" 

You never get to finish your sentence, as a dagger is piercing your throat, ridding you incapable of breathing. The stream of blood starts pooling around your spasming body, staining the marble floor, your clothes and the diamond crown that lays next to your head.

I believe myself no doubt

Xiaojun watches your last moments with a blank expression on his face, still on top of you. "Ironic, isn't it? The King and his Queen, dying by the same hand, clad in the same armor. Truly, the most perfect of tragic endings". You are unable to answer, the last of his words dealing the finishing blow to your form. You have stopped moving and a single tear falls from his face. "Even in death, you are still the most beautiful woman I've seen in my whole life, Y/N" he whispers and leans in to kiss your now lifeless lips. "Worry not, my love, you may meet your beloved husband now. The crown is in good hands".

He stands up and takes the blood-stained crown in his hands. He places it on top of his head, the blood dripping on his soft blonde locks. He slowly walks towards the throne, the edge of his sword scraping the marble floor and creating a line from the blood on it - your blood. He looks at the painting that rests above the throne, a painting of you and King Kun smiling fondly, wearing the same crown that now rests on Xiaojun's head. 

"You know, both of you were wrong. I never betrayed the crown. In fact, I was the only one who did everything to protect it", he speaks as he sits down on the throne, "And I succeeded, my beloved family. All thanks to you. You may now rest in peace", Xiaojun says with a soft smile on his face, making him look like an angel. 

An angel of Death.

My Lord

How come I never lost my faith?

[waking-dreams-of-harmony]

The Last Dragon

Below the read more I've posted 7 very small sections of a fic that is based on this beautiful and tragic fanvid. I got literal chills watching it. If you wanna sob over our queen and her son wanting to avenge his mother, give it a watch.

I don't think I'll ever go any further, as my writing had an unfortunate run in with a brick wall, which then toppled over it and crushed any urge to write the next bit.

It's not too terrible--though it could actually be total shit, I'm not known for my writing 😂--and it was just gonna gather dust on my laptop, so figured I might as well post it. This was one of my ways of dealing with that fucked up last season within the framework of the show. I dont believe this is Dany's end, and I loathe with every fiber of my being what happened to her and her found family. And after seeing that video, the idea of Drogon doing everything he could to avenge the mother he loved more than anything appealed to that anger inside me. So I'll understand if this isnt for everyone ❤

Chapter 1

Mother.

He flies, great black wings carrying them away.

Mother.

Sharp, massive claws curl in gently. Protectively.

Mother is gone.

The cold creeps, burning against his scales the way fire never has.

Mother don’t leave.

A whisper on the wind calls to him.

Mother it hurts.

East, it sighs. It smells of smoke, and fire. Hope.

He follows, wings beating faster.

They took you.

The rage flares, searing away the cold.

They killed you.

The heat of it bursts within him, scaled skin shaking with the strength of it.

Fire and blood.

Jaws stretch wide, and the air burns red with grief.

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Chapter 2

The sky bleeds red from the dying sun when Drogon reaches Volantis. The whisper that drew him there stops as he lands on an open balcony.

A woman stands before him, black hair and red robes flying up in the gust of wind from his wings. His claw gently opens, Mother’s cold body slowly sliding onto the hard stone.

Crimson, mournful eyes watch the red woman kneel by Mother, pale fingers hovering over her, not touching, for a long moment.

“I cannot bring her back, Drogon,” she murmurs, regretful.

He throws his head back, bellows fury and sadness into the sky. No, Mother, come back. I am alone.

A faint brush at the back of his mind--where Mother used to be, his brothers, the thoughts they shared together--grasps his attention. Makes him look back down at the red woman.

“I cannot give you back Daenerys Targaryen, but I can give you something else.”

His nostrils flair, and his head moves closer.

“I can give you the revenge you desire. As it stands, you may be able to raze the whole of the Seven Kingdoms, turn it all to ash, but that would not be what your mother wanted.”

Drogon growls, lips pulled up in a snarl. Sheep. All are sheep. Betrayed Mother. Killed Mother. No mercy.

She nods her head. Comprehends what he is unable to say out loud.

“Yes, they all betrayed Daenerys, took from her and killed her when her visions grew too great for their small minds. They could not grasp that the Mother of Dragons was above all a breaker of chains. She would have freed us all.”

She pauses, then continues, her voice hard. “They need to be punished. And they will be. But Daenerys’ dreams must be realized. Dragon’s Bay must remain free. The Dothraki cannot return to what they were, raping and pillaging. And the petty lords of Westeros must be laid low. Those who destroyed Daenerys must see their reigns come to an end not only by dragon fire, but by the unification of the people they have ground into the dust, unified against them.”

“A dragon has the power to do great things, but to lead men, to lead armies, that is the one thing you cannot do, Drogon. Not as you are. You must be more. And by the Lord of Light’s grace, you can become exactly what the people need.”

Drogon rumbles in frustration, steam billowing from between his sharp, clenched teeth. He doesn’t understand.

“Human, Drogon. You must become human.”

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Chapter 3

They take Mother, to clean her, he is told. Remove the dagger, her clothes. Wash the blood away.

The red woman directs him to fly from the balcony, down into an open courtyard below. A large fire pit rages with a towering flame. It warms him, feels like Mother’s hand caressing his scales.

Dragons cannot cry. A mournful moan makes his great neck tremble. Human. Perhaps he can cry when he is human.

People in red robes enter the courtyard, one after another, until they circle around Drogon. His tail twitches. Their closeness agitates him.

The red woman appears, crossing the circle to stand in front of the fire. Hatred fills him when he sees what is in her hands. The dagger stained with Mother’s blood. Coward. The coward’s dagger.

“I am sorry Drogon. It is a necessary piece of the ritual. Soon,” she soothes, “you will have all you need to begin your campaign against the traitors.”

Another voice brushes against that same place in his mind. That lonely place where Mother, Rhaegal, and Viserion once lived. Soon, it too promises.

The red woman turns her head, scans the other acolytes before catching Drogon’s eyes.

“Let us begin.”

Voices hum together in chant, and the sky is filled with an agonized roar.

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Chapter 4

Drogon.

He groans.

Drogon, my love.

Everything hurts.

You cannot sleep forever, my beautiful boy.

He moves his head slightly. Cringes at the sharp pain.

Wake up, Drogon.

Mother? Why does everything hurt so much?

It’s time.

The voice begins to fade. He reaches out a hand, slowly, to make it stay, and freezes. He has a hand. A human hand.

Fingers curl into his palm, and the nails scratch against his skin, bite into it. His legs scrape against the stone as he slowly stretches out one, then the other.

He can still feel the fire to the side of him; it feels heavier, pressing on his skin but it does not hurt his flesh.

What burns more painfully is the missing weight of his wings. No flight for him now.

Cold fingers brush his shoulder, curve sharply to hold him when he recoils.

“Drogon?”

He doesn’t like to be held, or touched, no one but Mother, and his brothers, but they are gone. Gone, gone, gone…

“Drogon! It is only me, Kinvara!” The voice finally penetrates, and he stops pulling away.

Allowing for her help, he rolls carefully onto his back. Sharp pebbles dig into his skin. No scales to protect him anymore.

He feels her fingers move to his face, tracing the human features. “Open your eyes Drogon. See what the Lord of Light has gifted to you.”

Gift? No gift. Just more pain. Weakness. But he opens his eyes. The fire from the pit is soothing, warm. Warmer than...before. Would it burn him? His hand flinches towards it but he’s not close enough to touch.

He turns his eyes toward Kinvara. She is smiling, eyes reflecting the fire’s light.

She waves a hand towards an acolyte. “Bring me a robe. We must cover our dragon prince.”

Red cloth is laid over him, and two other acolytes help Drogon to sit. They hold him up as the other wraps the robe around him more securely.

Drogon grits his teeth, blood rushing angry and hot.

He tries to talk, mouth struggling to form the human words. “W-We—” He growls, tries again. “W-Weak.”

“For now,” she says. “But you will grow stronger, I promise you.”

Drogon struggles to stay awake, but bone deep exhaustion pulls at him, and his frustration wanes as he slips into slumber.

▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪

Chapter 5

Four moons pass before Drogon is ready to set sail for Meereen. He was like a hatchling again, unsteady, vulnerable, and he hated it. Kinvara and her priests taught him the ways of his new body, how to eat and walk, to read their words.

Coarse fabric to wear instead of steely scales.

But now it is time. Time to search out Grey Worm. Daario. The Unsullied and Dothraki. Train with them and become stronger. Much stronger.

He knew how to fight as a dragon. Armies and castles were nothing against the heat of his fire. He must learn how to wage war as humans do.

Wrapped in a red cloak, hood hanging low over his face, Drogon is ready to begin.

▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪

Chapter 6

They are waiting for him at the dock after the sun has set, Grey Worm and Mother’s sellsword, two silent figures who do not move, do not speak until Drogon stands before them.

Daario breaks the silence first. “Drogon?”

He pulls back his hood, unnaturally crimson eyes in a human face flashing in the near dark.

Daario sucks in a breath, then huffs out a laugh. “If the red priests had not sent word ahead, I may not have believed it. But by the gods, here you stand.” He reaches out an arm for Drogon to clasp.

He does so, hesitantly, but with a firm grip. Human greetings still puzzle him.

Grey Worm steps closer then kneels, bows his head bowed, fist pressed against his chest. “Ñuha dārilaros. Bisy qringaomatan īlva dāria. Īlon emagon ossēntan se nāpāstre skoriot pōnta iōrtan (My prince. This one failed our Queen. We should have killed the traitors where they stood.).”

Drogon does not know if he is asking for forgiveness or absolution.

Dragons have no real concept of forgiveness. He should be angry the traitors were allowed to live. But Grey Worm is kin, as the little scribe had been. Mother’s old bear too, and the white-haired knight. Everyone who had been under Mother’s protection, had been under her children’s protection as well. And would continue to be.

“Rise, Grey Worm.” His voice is rough and sharp edged, and it seems to startle the two men to hear him speak. “Those that hurt Mother, that used her and took her life will be punished as they deserve. But I need your help. So rise. Let us repay them with fire and blood. For Mother. For Missandei. For them all.”

He holds out a hand, waits.

Grey Worm looks up, eyes bright with unshed tears. His lips tremble, then firm. He takes Drogon’s hand.

▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪

Chapter 7

They convene in Mother’s chambers, the map room he would never have been able to fit in before almost cavernous to him now.

Spread out around the table, the three men pull together a plan as they look down at the map.

First, they will weed out the opposition in Essos, solidify their hold in the east. Astapor, Yunkai, they will all come to heel, every slave freed. They would be as clever as Mother had been, keep the number of innocents lost as low as they could. Drogon would prefer to burn through the Good Masters, snap them up and tear them apart, but for Mother, he would be patient, and take the slower path. All the slavers would still die, and their victims would live, and live free.

But for what Drogon had planned, he needed steel in place of claws, armor instead of dragonhide. He needed Grey Worm and Daario to make him as fearsome as a human as he’d been as a dragon. And that would take time.

He ground his blunted teeth together; he hated waiting. Hated it. But let the traitors think they were safe for a while longer. It would be all the sweeter when he ripped that feeling of safety away, just as they ripped Mother away from him. His brothers. His home.

They would feel his pain. And then they would feel nothing at all.

[darter-blue]

Beautiful Rage

Bucky/Zemo

Explicit - 18+ readers only

Helmut clenched his fists to control the shaking. He hadn't meant… hadn't meant to…

Well. That’s a lie.

He had absolutely meant to upset Bucky.

He should have meant to placate him, to twist him against Sam, to keep his leverage but give them enough information to keep them both on his side.

But there's something about the way Bucky holds his jaw. The way his eyes flash with unchecked emotion.

Something about the heat that radiates off of Bucky when he's angry.

Fires under Helmut's skin like a pulse.

And that little outburst, looming over Helmut, ripping the tea cup from his fingers and smashing it against the wall. The cold fury…

Helmut needs to shake it off. This is not what he's here for. This is not part of his plan…

Bucky's beautiful rage, the way it clouds Helmut's judgements, his fixation on bringing it to the surface, is only going to make it harder for him to finish what he started.

It takes almost no time at all for Helmut’s resolve to crumble.

It takes only as far as their next argument, with Sam gone to speak with his sister, to buy himself some small peace, and Helmut fresh from a hot bath, Buky has been sitting too long on his own. Left too long with his own thoughts.

A well placed attack at Bucky’s restlessness, his currently unfulfilled need to be useful, and Bucky is up and at him in a second.

This time with no one to pull him back.

‘What is it that you actually want from me,’ Bucky says, his face so close to Helmut’s face, Helmut can taste the cherry blossom tea on his breath.

He wants to reach up and taste it for real. He wants to bite at that taste, sink his teeth into it. Into Bucky.

He also doesn’t know how to answer that question.

He doesn’t want Bucky to know that, though he’s taken so long to answer, stared so long at Bucky’s mouth… he might not be able to hide it now.

‘You don’t even know? Do you?’

‘I want to finish what I started.’

‘Kill all of us?’ Bucky’s eyes are blazing. His lips are pursed, his jaw is clenched. It throws his whole face into the kind of chiseled righteous fury that Helmut craves.

He shouldn’t push… he can’t afford to push him too far. He needs Bucky to help him find the others. But he needs… he needs to feed off this rage.

'No good will come of allowing super soldiers to live,' Helmut whispers, and it's not a lie.

'And you? You've done so much good with your life?' Bucky asks, whispered just as quietly, not moving back, not giving an inch.

'I've done what was necessary.'

Bucky’s eyes narrow at that. But he doesn't move. Doesn't respond.

'At least I've always done what I thought was right,' he closes the distance between them, speaks the words right into Bucky’s ear, 'At least I've never rolled over and let my enemies enact their evil through me.'

Bucky’s reaction is beautiful. He flinches at the words as if they've struck him. Helmut can feel him shaking. With guilt, or anger, or fear, he isn't sure.

But if Helmut knows anything about Bucky, he knows it will be some combination of all three.

Bucky steps back but Helmut follows him, reaches up a hand to cup his face. 'Such a perfect weapon, Bucky,' he says, tracing a thumb across the stubbled divot of his chin, 'Do you honestly think you can ever be free? So much capacity for death and destruction.'

'I'm more than what they made me,' Bucky fires back, ripping his chin out of Helmut’s hand, 'I'm more than what you see in me.'

'You might think so-' Helmut starts but Bucky cuts him off, stalking forward and pushing Helmut back with the force of his chest, his expression, his power.

Bucky stalks Helmut all the way back into the wall.

‘You want me to be a weapon,’ Bucky says, sneering now, menacing, as he crowds Helmut into the rendered brick of the kitchen wall, ‘you need me to be a weapon,’ he puts his hands on either side of Helmut’s head, leans his face in close, ‘I’m not the only one of us who’s broken, Zemo, I see the way you look at me, the way you land your blows to hit me so right.’

Helmut can’t move, he can’t find any words to reply that won't betray the mess of his feelings right now.

His breath comes faster and faster, his heart pumping blood to all the wrong places. He needs his head, he needs his mind, he doesn’t need his dick to do his thinking.

He doesn’t need for Bucky to be able to feel how broken he is, that this is working. That Bucky has him cornered.

‘You need me to be nothing more than what they made me, because then you can play with me all you want. Isn’t that right? Then you can break me more, you can push me over the edge, and you don’t have to worry that you are becoming everything you hate.’

‘I am nothing like what they made you,’ Helmut says, breathing faster, harder, his chest rising and falling and pressing up against Bucky’s on every inhale.

‘No, you’re not like me,’ Bucky says, and he smiles. Shark-like. Fiercely stunning. ‘You’re like them. You’re just like Hydra.’

And that catches at something jagged in Helmut, something he knows and pretends isn't true.

‘I am nothing like them!�� he snarls, pushes up into Bucky’s face, their noses almost touching.

Bucky lets him.

He doesn’t pull back. Doesn’t pull away.

He takes his vibranium hand off the wall next to Helmut’s face and he runs it down Helmut’s chest. Then he pushes him back into the wall. Holds him there.

‘You know you are,’ Bucky says, still smiling, ‘and you want exactly what they wanted.’ Bucky leans in, ‘You want to use me,’ he takes his flesh hand off the wall, traces a finger down to Helmut’s waist, ‘want to control me,’ pushes his robe aside and trails his hand across bare skin, ‘you want to own me.’

Helmut lets his head fall back against the wall as Bucky’s hand slips down to his dick. Presses on it, wraps his fingers around it.

Helmut means to shake his head, means to deny it, to lie again. But he can’t.

He wants it so much.

‘You want to own me, don’t you.’ And Bucky bites down on Helmuts ear.

Helmut can’t help the breath that escapes him. The way it drags out like a sigh, like a prayer.

‘You want to fuck me open, make me yours.’

It’s not a question. Bucky knows. Helmut hasn’t hidden anything. Hasn’t manipulated anybody but himself.

And even so, Bucky pulls back to look him in the eye. Raises an eyebrow at him, looks for confirmation.

Because despite everything they’ve done to him, at his core, Bucky is a good man.

Helmut wants to burn that out of him.

It's terrifying how dangerous Bucky is. The raw power, not just from the poison in his blood, but the vibranium in his arm, the force of his rage.

It's terrifying and it's magnificent.

He can't let Bucky get the better of him, he needs to take back his control.

The victory here belongs to Helmut.

He tests Bucky by pushing against his weight, and at first Bucky pushes back, but then almost immediately he relents.

'You okay?' He asks, voice shaking.

And it rings in Helmut’s ears, that affectation, the way he has rattled Bucky. He uses his sudden leverage to press even further forward, and he looks up into Bucky’s beautiful face.

'I'm never going to be okay,' he says, voice calm, using every measurable unit of control in his body to keep still. To keep steady. 'You and your Avengers made sure of it.'

Bucky's face closes over, but his stance loosens further, his shoulders slump, and Helmut seizes the opportunity to push Bucky to his knees.

And Bucky lets him - be it sense memory or innate supplication, whatever the reason - Bucky lets Helmut push him to the ground.

Helmut ignores his hesitation, focuses instead on the storm in Bucky's eyes, the rise of his chin. The way Bucky has made this his choice, even now.

Helmut mimics his movements from earlier to cup Bucky under the chin, takes his other hand and runs it through his hair, grips it hard and pulls, snaps Bucky’s head back.

'Open your mouth for me, like the good little soldier you are.'

And Jesus, Helmut has to swallow down his moan at the way Bucky does exactly what he's told. At the way Bucky opens for him. Never dropping eye contact.

As if this is exactly what he wanted.

Helmut should take that, should let it stop him. Should pause now. Not give him what he wants. But it's too late.

He's too far gone.

And Helmut is already sliding his cock into that open mouth with delicious abandon.

The slick wet warmth, so tight, so sweet, it draws him forward. He yanks at his grip on Bucky’s hair, uses it like a stronghold to keep Bucky in place (though he could never; Bucky is so much stronger) to pull out and then slam all the way back in.

He looks down into those steel blue eyes and catches the fire there. And it spurs him on, to pull out and push back, to slam his hips forward. To fuck Bucky’s face, to own him, and be owned, and throw everything away on the power, and the powerlessness of this feeling.

Of the way Bucky hollows his cheeks to keep that wet heat deliciously tight, an action that only exacerbates the sharp cut of his cheekbones, only intensifies the beauty of his supplication.

Every thrust brings Helmut closer and closer to a complete loss of control. And every thrust feels more and more like tipping over the edge.

'You are mine,' Helmut says, as much to reinforce that idea to himself as to Bucky. 'I own you.'

Bucky doesn't move to agree or disagree. Only slides his hands up Helmut's thighs to pull him closer.

'Oh god,' Helmut cries out, throwing his head back as Bucky sucks harder, as Helmut’s cock pulses. 'So good,' he looks down, pulls tighter on Bucky's hair, 'my perfect little soldier,' and he means every word to be a barb, but they miss the mark so completely. Because he feels it too damn much.

And Bucky… Bucky knows it.

Bucky is smiling around Helmut’s cock as he draws it in, as he takes every thrust.

It's too much. The smile, the fire in his eyes, the warmth of his mouth, the way Helmut’s cock hits the back of Bucky's throat.

The way he can put all of his force into yanking Bucky's newly shorn hair, and Bucky just takes it like it’s a gift.

It's too much. He can't hold on.

He pulls out just in time to feel his orgasm wash over him, to spray come all over Bucky's lips and chin.

And Bucky...

Bucky happily opens his mouth to it. Closes his eyes and accepts it, rapturous.

He chases the mess on his lips with his tongue, wipes at it with a vibranium thumb and sucks it clean.

Helmut doesn't mean to run his hands through Bucky's hair. Doesn't mean to trace a finger down his face, let it linger across his swollen red lips.

'Such a good boy,' he says quietly. And then he bends down to pick up his robe, turns around. And walks away.

He doesn't feel victorious at all.

[amethystpath-writes]

A Pretty Place to Die-

I should probably go ahead and apologize now, shouldn't I? (Story inspired by the art- which is by yours truly)

"It's a pretty place to die, isn't it?" Hero clutched her side, completely ignoring the gash on her head. The one on her side was bigger anyhow. She could barely feel the warm blood on her fingers anymore. Her hands were overly familiar with the feeling now. Occasionally, though, she felt her fingers stick together.

Villain approached slowly as Hero sat on the edge. He didn't see the blood at first, seeing as the hero sat at an angle which obscured his vision of it. He did see the red on her scalp and in her hair, however. "You should back away from the edge. You're going to fall...you'll die if you do."

"Going to die anyways," Hero laughed. It wasn't sanguine. Why would it be when her statement involved death? "Why not stand close to the edge? This is the only time I can do it without fear."

"Right, then. Guess I'll come sit next to you." Villain shrugged, walking through the tall grasses to where Hero sat. He walked to her left side, where she grasped, seemingly trying to hide something. He imagined it was a weapon of sorts.

Hero said sternly, "You're just as likely to fall as me. Back up."

"Don't tell me you've come to care for me." Villain was sat shoulder-to-shoulder with Hero. He nudged her very slightly, afraid of making her situation even worse. He hadn't even seen her bloody side yet.

Fingers digging in slightly more, Hero told Villain, "I've always cared. You know that, even if you don't believe it." She paused. "Shouldn't you be the one comforting me?"

Villain nearly screamed at her as he watched Hero's hand lift away from her side-wound. It'd been there the whole time, hadn't it been? And she never said anything to him. "Idiot," he whispered panicky instead.

He maneuvered behind her and placed a hand on either side of Hero, pulling her against him. When she protested, Villain shushed her, and pressed a hand against the bleeding gash. Pressure. She needed to keep pressure on it.

Breathlessly, Hero muttered, "You're just- you're just prolonging my death."

"Yeah, that's the point."

Usually, Villain wasn't a queasy person, but now...as Hero's blood coated his fingers, making them sticky, and making their little atmosphere smell like metal, it took him everything not to dive towards the cliff edge and toss whatever contents were in his stomach out into the ocean.

If it were his own blood, he wouldn't have minded. If it were his father's, he wouldn't have minded. But this was Hero's life essence.

"I want to take you out like we used to do in high school."

Although Villain couldn't see it, Hero allowed her lips to curve into a smile. "You make it sound like it was years ago."

Villain nodded. "Five years ago." Keep her talking. Keep her conscious.

Hero had to take a deep breath. Even with Villain's fingers pushing against her, there was a lot of blood escaping. Every now and then, her vision went dark and it was only Villain's voice that kept her awake. "You didn't even have to think about it. You've wanted me back for a while, haven't you?"

He bit his lip in return. Well, he wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that, seeing how true it was. Villain missed her greatly.

"We tried, Villain." Another deep breath, this one more noticeably a struggle compared to the other. "Let"- she blinked a second too long- "bygones be bygones."

In truth, she'd be willing to try their relationship again, but...but she was dying. And there was no changing the outcome at this point. In minutes, Hero would die, and it'd be harder for Villain to cope if she admitted to wanting to try again. If she told him there was no chance, maybe he'd be angry enough to move on with ease.

"If I were able to, don't you think I would?"

With one hand, Villain worked his shirt up his torso, eventually sliding it down the arm which held Hero. He took his hand off her for just a moment so he could take his shirt off.

"Wh-what are you-"

But he wasn't listening to her. He was focused on tearing the seam of his shirt between clenched fists and teeth. A rip sounded.

"Villain, you can't- can't save me. I'm- I'm too far- too far gone al-already." She knew what he was trying to do. He was going to bandage her side with something more secure and consistently tight. But she'd already lost too much blood. Maybe if he'd done this sooner...

Hero, breathing in wheezes, watched the waves in the distance- watched as they built up taller, and taller, and then crashed into the water below. She watched the colour of the clouds- watched as they changed as the sun slowly rose higher and higher. She barely felt Villain's fingers touching her skin, wrapping a strip from his shirt around her. It was so beautiful here.

Distantly, she heard Villain yelling at her- probably telling her to say something, to say anything.

Hero blinked with a swallow and when she opened them again, the vision in front of her was blurry- nearly unidentifiable. Her eyes stung. Her nose trickled.

So this was it.

This was the moment.

Death is bright, she thought.

Hero blinked. Blinked again.

"...can't do this to me..."

Blink.

"...so long..."

Blink.

"Hero, please..."

Blink, blink.

"...one dance. Give me one more dance..."

A shuddering breath.

"Hero..."

A breath out between barely gaped lips- like a soul leaving a body.

"I love you."

Hero's upper lip twitched upward even as her eyes slipped shut again. "You," she whispered barely loud enough for even herself to hear, "too."

This time, her eyes never opened again.