#feels like my head wants to burst
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#god fuck i dont even want to read it i. it scares me so much that i just dont remember this literally JUST happened#what the fuck#why do i forget how much i forget hahaha#i feel like im gonna lose it#every time i start to think maybe it's not real for some reason or the other#god what lmao am i forgetting i have imposter syndrome too or smth#fucking christ#feels like my head wants to burst#apparently maybe it actually does lmao!#fucking stupid#stop trying to tell me not to say shit#fuck off#sysjournaltemp#ah. okay#not how i wanted to do this but i guess none of us get to be happy today#yeah. WOULD have been nice to just sleep#but apparently we're doing this now instead#fucking do you want me to do this or not#whats the point if youre gonna be a hypocrite about it#you think anyone gives a shit?#yeah im fucking fed up#want me to play nice but wont even listen to me#well you listen to this#come back to it if you need#or ill just tell you again. you know.#ugh#im sorry.
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It is of my opinion that Eddie would actually have a killer falsetto which Steve discovers when he walks into the trailer kitchen to find eddie singing along to the radio playing you make me feel like dancing while waltzing (surprisingly well) with an upside down mop
#Steve is leaning up against the counter arms crossed and smiling just watching#until eddie notices and when he does he shields his ‘dancing partner’ and stage whispers to it ‘DONT worry my love. he will never separate#us. our love is too strong. he is but a jealous voyeur’#and Pretends to make out with the mop head complimenting the ‘thick and lucious hair. much better than anyone in hawkins’#Steve feels like his heart is going to burst with how much he wants to kiss the smile that Eddie is fighting Down#they aren’t even dating (YET)#Eddie recounts the whole thing to Wayne later that night because he needs boy advice and Wayne may be exasperated but he is supportive#mayhaps I should have put those tags in the main post…#alas I cannot be bothered#go listen to Leo sayer#and wham rap because it’s fun#stranger things#eddie munson#steddie#steve harrington
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on the upside tho since im missing therapy we'll have extra money n i might be able to get bubble tea today
#i saw as i lay on floor#not wanting 2 move because everything is feels awful#my head almost hurts w how depressed i am#it's like every bad thought is filling it up n pushing on the walls its going 2 burst#i can cry n cry but it never helps#i dont even know if it's worth it 2 get#and literally all i ever want is bubble tea it is one of lifes greatest little joy#all i want to do is go back to bed n escape the horrors but last time they were there too
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DAX is just so expressive ♥ (Patreon)
#My art#SCII#Damned#DAX#Lol#Have I mentioned I love him lately#As if I ever stop talking about how much I love any of them lol#Okay but genuinely these were really nice as warmups they were really easy to just knock out one by one#He's very expressive as Dexter! *handwaves about human neurochemistry and expressions* lol#I had to make his Neutral look extra dead inside to make up for the rest haha#Funnily enough I have actually been watching a series of streams of like VAs and visual artists and writers and stuff#And they are constantly uptalking 2D talksprites as mood-setters for dialogue#So it was really fun to make these with that in the back of my head like ''Yeah! :D They /are/ good at that!''#Very cool expressive medium :D#See if you can spot the first drafts for a few of these :3c#I'll give you a hint: Scared and Sad(? Regretful ig lol) were from some posted doodles#His grumpy one was also a doodle but I didn't post it so it doesn't count lol#Oh yeah and and a lot of these had little accessories like the fear bursts and the little sigh bubble lol I just...forgot them here lol#They're there in spirit please feel the grump lines and sweat drops in your heart <3#I had a heck of a time trying to keep his face consistent with different angles lol aren't VUX nervous to move their necks me#Just gotta actually get into 3D modeling properly smh#I keep finding myself wanting to make more now that this set's done but I'm not sure what expressions! Confused? Focused? He's so subdued#Oooh he'd suit an expression meme wouldn't he <3 Now there's an idea#Might even open an ask game for that if I can find a good one :3c Hehehe
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they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again
#.vent#maybe i should start drinking so i can get blackout drunk every weekend. or fuck around w sedatives or pay someone to just whack me round#the head with a sledgehammer on friday evenings and hopefully ill recover from the concussion by mondays#its not even funny what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to spend all my free time trying not to kill myself i feel so sick#im literally fine at work i guess i just dont know how to have fun or be happy or feel wanted or cared for or loved by other people#but dont have to think about that when im working so its fine 5/7 days which is pretty good. im so lonely i want to throw up#tried to leave the house got ready and everything and then burst into tears for no reason ive spent the past hour trying to talk myself#down from hurting myself and i probably wont in the next few hours but i almost certainly will before the day is up. oh well#man who fucking cares. typing this isnt making me feel any better i dont really know what to do anymore#i have a drs appt in 2 weeks for smth unrelated but maybe ill ask abt antidepressants. theres nothing specific causing this#my brain just doesnt work right.i dont even feel like a person most of the time#well nothing else to say 👍
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#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked#i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference#and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super#integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart#so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect#and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest#and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired?#its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears#like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked#toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun#hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's#where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab#reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever#unrelated
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Inept 8 year old boy dragon tries to save floating island is such a concept
#momo just tell him!!! you've done this before!!! yeahhh#'this roof ain't big enough for the both of us'#luffy just telling momo to throw him something too akdhakaj this is back to how he was with koby but it worked so...#just grow some balls man!!! if he can spit something so can you!! BITE HIM!!! AHEKAHQK HE DID IT!!!! YEAHHH!!!!#he drew blood omg.... hell yes..... just be careful he doesn't bite back#luffy's exposure therapy is so effective. worlds greatest psychologist i have been saying this.#also nekomamushi and inuarashi better not die. i am also saying this.#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1050#me as baby chopper crying. actually and for real.#i don't have any points to prove for this but sanji and zoro look married in wano. idk man. i can just feel it.#i remember several episodes ago i was complaining about the missmatch of the colors on luffy.... i forgor why the band is purple.... qjwjaj#the music.... slay#i might be getting the luffy worms again i feel so insane..... what do you mean the sky parted.... omg neko and inu.... KICK THEIR ASSES!!!!#luffy fighting kaido and he still has time to boss momo and yamato around ajdbaks and roast him too lmao#momo thinking about kinemon and kiku....#PEROSPERO AND JACK FINALLY!!!!!!!!! carrot omg..... pedro avenged ✔️ now fucking orichi.... how many heads does he have left.....#why is luffy turning supersayian aldjaksn#episode 1051#just saw trafalgay written on a comment and idk if its on purpose or a misspelling but thags so funny akshaksjaka#yamato and momo father-son bonding time <3 teaching him how to be a dragon... so sweet#also the race of people that could set themselves on fire on mariejoa??? kinda random dropping it in there but alas... ✍️✍️#zoro didn't want franky to help but there he goes.... out of onigashima... a good franky fart would have prevented that...#petition to rename coup de burst to franky fart. like why is it even in french. he is A YANKEE.#episode 1052#boy dragon sounds like boy genius. who wants to join my band
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because i suddenly got my obsession with mbti handed back to me on this fine sunny day; is it just me or does every infj suffer with this stupid fucking thing called ik what i want but i don't wanna impose anything on anyone so i'll let this idiot decide?
#raj shitposting#because i seem to have this problem and it won't fucking go away#i always know what i want and i always have a decision on hand whenever a situation arises but i start feeling bossy when i'm asked to say-#i just wanna reach my 30's real quick so this thing fucking ends#on the inside i think like a broke 38 yo but on the outside i have to be like a 17 yo nervous wreck and it's a n n o y i n g#no i don't like your decision but you're a dick so i don't wanna deal with you when you come begging for help when this gets fucked#so do it yourself bitch idgaf#and then i'll get annoyed about how i could've done it better so i just bottle my criticism up and burst at a random moment later on#and then i'll feel like shit for not intervening when i could have and screaming my head off... it's this never ending hell sighs#mbti#infj
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told my dumb self that it was time to change the profile art so I started a silly little thing to replace it but now it has been two weeks and where is it? god only knows. Maybe all the smoke from the wildfires and the heat have completely fried my brain. In the meantime pls refrain from looking at the current pic I'm (lovingly) sick and tired of it.
Unrelated, but I bought a springy slink (or whatever the hell that's called in english) and it's so pretty and colorful, I've been carrying it around the house all time with me doing bing boing being a nuisance 10/10 would recommend.
#is this venting#rambling?#I feel like the older I get the slower my art process becomes#and it's not even time spent *doing* stuff it's mostly looking at it and having small bursts of work between breaks#maybe it's because I'm not that bothered by personal art as I used to be idk#but not in a bad way? I've been using lots of free time to explore my interests and see what I like and learn more stuff#like gothic novels!! I've been so excited about the themes and settings and how they reflect the characters#I still don't know how to incorporate that with my art but I know one day that connection will come and I don't have to be anxious about it#I'd really like to make a zine about my silly vampire kotor thingy but for now it's just a hazy idea floating around my head#Idk#I want to be more active here too there's so many cool people around here#we'll see#lemme get back to my beloved slink
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medication tw
i'm really not enjoying these new meds. they're making me irritable--now, some of that is probably due to 6 months of being essentially locked in my parents' house with little space and privacy, and i think my period is starting, but the thing is, i don't get genuinely irritated often. i hate how it makes me feel, so i go out of my way to avoid it. issue is, once i get to a point of irritation i am Righteous in it--cause it takes me so long to get there that if i get wound up i must have a reason. so now any little thing is just pissing me off and in turn that frustrates me, and the whole cycle rolls off a cliff.
i apologize if i come off as harsh at any point in the next few days, it's not my intention. im usually pretty good at keeping a lid on things bc i like the good vibes we have going here, and generally am good at letting stuff roll off of me, but i wanted to put this out there just in case you notice something 'off'. i'm not having a good time. which, isn't an excuse to be an asshole. but can provide some reasoning behind actions.
and the meds arent even doing anything for the pain yet! so i'm just needlessly grumpy. ugh.
#and beyond regular other illness discussions ive had. its really starting to take the cake here#im not sure what it is but tonight i just feel properly ill. like my insides want to become my outsides. and my head wants to burst#which. sure. is a bit of a distraction from the nerve pain. but usually just works in tandem for 'ahah now i hurt in Multiple ways'#c.text#illness tw#c.illness
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The true pain of reading a good AU is you want more of these specific guys but that characterisation only exists in the one specific fic/series
#brought to you by my love for pacify and the fact i've just finished a great sherlock/james bond crossover#i came for the johnlock and stayed for the 00q#which by the way. how fucking incredible is that as a ship name. how cool is it. it's so cool i fucking love it#like do i care about james bond. no! does the ship name appeal to me a whole lot for some reason. yeah!#i kept having little bursts of surprise because q called him james (of course) so okay fine it's james#except that's James Bond. The James Bond. and every time i remembered i simply couldn't make it work in my head#i think after - 92k of them i got more used to it though#btw it was the 'jealous gods' story if - anyone is interested in that? for some reason?#dunno it just hit the right spot and i don't want to go back to Normal fanfic now :(#i need my emotional support unhealthy relationships born of trauma but full of love :(((#and i know the characterisation was so very specific to this one fic i can't just pick a random johnlock/00q fic to read next#cause i don't want canon them i want This specific version :(((#i've been daydreaming about stellar and lineth because i don't feel ready to let go#wow i have a ramble tag now
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I only got like 4 comments on the aeon fic i just posted on ao3 but all of them were so beautiful and encouraging im going to CRRRYYYY like i actually feel so inspired and encouraged to keep writing
#i feel like im going to burst#like i actually was feeling like such shit about this fic because someone told me it was not the best right before i submitted it#and literally for a year i agonised over it like i really tried to edit it down and fix it cause i thought it was really bad#and then to.... share it and receive such a positive response????#like singlehandedly encouraged me to start writing again#and take my fics more seriously and not get so shy to post things ldksflsdfjsl#one of my goals is definitely to be one of those resi fic writers that people automatically think about#like how squariusaquarius is for leon x y/n lsdfjlsdjf#idk lskdfjlsdf wow like really really really this feels so good i want to cry#i didn't write for a year because i felt so scared an defeated#and like writing my ashley fic for this zine we just did made me really nervous cause i just could not get out of my head with it#ahhhhhhhhhhh#plz no sexyleon#now im actually crying fuck
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#i'm in so much pain el oh el#it's the second day of my period. at home the painkillers worked just fine. the INSTANT i left for work they stopped working#like i've taken four 500mg pills which includes my backup pill for work so now i don't have any more painkillers on me#it's pulling down into my calfs. i can barely stand. i can't sit#i'm legit about to burst into tears because my clothes don't feel right on my body and everyone keeps talking to me and i'm so overwhelmed#and everything fucking hurts i just want to lay down on my cold floor#currently eating a tub of ice cream in the break room and aggressively bouncing my knee to try and keep it together#it's over four hours until i can go home why is every day i'm here just an exercise in suffering#i was fine at home everything was fine before i got dressed and headed out i'm going to scream
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tfw all ur mental illnesses and issues collaborate to really make you feel like shit in every possible way
#I didn’t realize how awful I’ve been until a few days ago#when my mom brought up she could tell I’ve been in a spiral since December#and then this week I had a temporary tiny burst of energy followed by absolutely lethargy#and feeling like every part of me weighed an extra 20 pounds#and then tonight I got snapped at in a very mean way and I just broke. I’m not gonna get into it further#bc it’s bad. like I loath how bad it is#also heard my aunt talking about how comforting it is that every sign of ‘the end times’ is here all that#which has my religious paranoia acting up (seriously how do other people leave a faith they grew up in and not have constant anxiety??)#I never hear anyone talk about how fucking sickening it is to hear relatives talk about a religion like Christianity#and shit like the end of the world and not feel extremely sick and paranoid that is could be happening in some way#anyway. I haven’t had the energy to shower for a few days despite trying to eat and drink better and I have to go to work tomorrow#I feel like bashing my head through a wall. I want people to be happy again
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im always like wistfully sighing one day i will live with somebody who loves me and we'll cook together and itll be so romantic and then i remember when i was a kid and my mom would force me to let my sibling help me bake and id get so mad that i considered fratricide
#in my head cooking is a very nice calming thing however every time i Actually cook its like a fucking battlefield its genuinely dire#its entirely my fault bc i always turn the heat up so high and then i get stressed bc im like ITS COOKING TOO FAST ITS BURNING AND THE#MIDDLE ISNT EVEN COOKED and its like . yeah man bc you have the heat full blastt 😭😭but if i have it low im like This is taking too long.#even worse if im cooking a dish/meal that has multiple components and i need 2 be prepping one thing while another thing is cooking#and they all have different cook times so i have to make sure they all get done around the same time. it does make me cry a lot#one day. i will have my own house where i feel safe and i can cook and learn how 2 cook in a way that doesnt make me burst into tears#one time. evil. at home i was just gonna make myself pancakes 4 dinner and then my entire family was like is for me? so i had 2 make pancak#s for everyone meaning i had 2 make Good pancakes bc idm if my pancakes r a little burnt or whatever and ik my family doesnt either#but in my head im like If i give my family burnt pancakes they will hate me until the day i fucking die#so i was already stressed bc it went from making like 5 silver dollars to like 30 and the first 2 patches were burnt and everybody was#running around and it was So hot and then the smoke alarm came on and we had just moved in so i didnt know where it was to turn it off so i#just sat down on the floor and started sobbing LOL#my mom finished the pancakes thank gd. but basically it was very scary and i Want to learn how 2 cook but i fink it needs to be#cooking for only me until i feel comfortable cooking more food at a time#bc making a lot of food stresses me out to much As seen above.
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#idk whats wrong with me today#like ive been fine#nothing has gone wrong and its been super chill#but my anxiety keeps rearing its head for some reason and i want to sob into my pillow#i have nothing to cry about but i feel like i could burst into tears any second#i just want to cry and scream#maybe i'll rewatch the trigun movie for the 10th time this week and i'll feel better lmao
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