#feels impossible + i feel like i need more time to actually find a highly specific area of research that i can commit to for 4+ years

[newps]

Keep alternating between feeling really psyched by the prospect of applying for these MA programs & suddenly feeling crushed by the reality of money and career prospects etc etc etc

[bakugoushotwife]

OMG GIRL

i just got a brilliant idea,

ok so roommate gojo finds reader in only a shirt (his shirt btw ;)) and underwear

and then things just get absolutely dirty

i hope you like this idea just as much as i do!!!

thanks so much 🫶🏻

a/n: god i wanna kiss u on the mouth for these sometimes. this has been in the forefront of my mind for days!!! it went a little off the rails babe ngl

cw: pervy gojo, yandere-esque gojo, he's obssessed and delulu. unprotected sex, facefucking, fingering and oral (fem receiving), mating press, breeding, daddy, pet names, mean-ish roommate gojo, size kink, panty stealing, uh lemme know if i missed anything. will go back and edit!

wc: 4.5k

Lucky Day (Satoru Gojo x fem!reader)

This apartment was so shitty, and your landlord was even worse. Your roommate was at work, so there really was no other option. The pipes on the washer bursted, spraying the outfit you had on and making sure you couldn’t wash anymore. It was a miracle that you managed to turn the water to the washing machine off, you felt like a goddamn plumber from that alone. You even accomplished ordering a new pipe, only problem being it wouldn’t arrive for three more days. 

With a heavy sigh, you peel off your soaked crop top and sling it in your hamper, sliding off your shorts and underwear as well, truly unlucky. The only mercy shining upon you at this point was being home alone as you sprint to your room naked. You can only imagine the endless teasing that you would receive if Satoru was here. 

You grumble about your misfortune under your breath, pilfering through your drawers to find a new outfit to put on. Of course, you would be so unlucky yet again. You look up to the gods with narrowed eyes, as if this was personal. Really, it’s your own fault, damn the procrastination tendency you struggled with. You just had random pairs of socks and a Christmas themed onesie. You were honestly grateful to locate a red lace thong that was venturing closer to the shoelace side of size. You tug the poor excuse for underwear up your thighs, letting them slap against your hips in frustration. You had to put something on, your roommate was a huge tease, the gorgeous motherfucker. It was highly annoying, though you imagine if you were so unnervingly beautiful you may act the same way. In any event, walking around topless was not an option. You can practically hear the sarcastic whip of his voice dripping off his tongue right now. 

“Oh-ho-ho, did I come home or did I walk into a titty bar?” 

“And you swear you don’t want me, sweetheart?” 

“Aw, how did you know I had a bad day?” 

Each line makes you shiver. He was impossible to deal with, but he kept the rent low. As much as you hate to admit it he was nice to look at too, though you were hell bent on keeping that to yourself. He knew it anyway, there was no need to inflate his already massive ego. Why would you tell him? It would just be embarrassing, especially with his naturally outgoing nature. He would rip you apart if you admitted how you may actually feel about your snarky counterpart. You were nothing special to look at anyway, it would be silly to get your hopes up. Maybe he was annoying, but parts of you enjoyed him pestering you all hours of the day and scaring any potential suitors away. 

You would definitely never hear the end of it if you didn’t cover up soon, the clock ticking closer and closer to his typical arrival time. You groan. The only solution was putting on something of his. This route would still produce plenty of jabs, but at least you could potentially explain what had happened. You dart across the hall to his room, yanking open his drawers. You’ve been in his room several times, but it’s always slightly surprising each time. He’s cleaner than you’d think, and the room is decorated very minimally. You rummage through his dresser, finally locating a black tee. You’ve seen this one on him before, and it fits him like a second layer of skin, but you’re around a foot shorter, so it should serve to cover your chest comfortably. You tug it over your head, humming in satisfaction. It falls just above your knees, more dress than shirt. You sigh once more at the outfit pairing, but you return to your room all the same. You decide to curl up with a book until your nuisance comes home, after texting to see if Shoko would let you come over to wash some clothes. 

“Honeyyyy I’m homeeeee.” Satoru sings, keys jingling as he comes through the door of the humble abode. He scrunches his nose, smelling the metallic tinge to the air, so he goes to check out the laundry room. It’s a mess of towels attempting to soak up the flood of water, every piece of fabric in the vicinity was soaked. He clicks his tongue. Luckily the water had been turned off, but Gojo wondered to himself if a maintenance man came in to rescue you, knowing you can hardly turn on the gas stove yourself. He can’t help but be a little jealous, no—overprotective. You were such a delicious little thing, and he can’t stand to see you get ogled by men less than deserving. You won’t give him the time of day, though he’s most certainly the only man deserving of ogling you. He hums at the scene, deciding he should go and ask what happened, that way he could figure out if that pervy handyman needed his eyes gouged out. 

He marches to your room and pushes the door open. “So–the pipe on the wa—” 

He froze. He’s greeted with the sight of you stretched out on top of your comforter, one long leg folded delicately over the other, until his t-shirt covered the rest of you from the knee up. It dwarfed you, made him painfully aware how much smaller you were. So tiny compared to someone so tall and strong as him. Yet you swear he’s the tease. He bites his lip, shamelessly pulling his dark lenses down his nose, crystal clear eyes peeking over the frames to memorize everything about you. You sat with your back straight against the headboard, small hands clutching a thick book.

 “Am I dreaming, or are you laying there in my shirt and nothing else?” He grinned, propping an arm up on the doorway. He doesn’t miss the way you squirm under his lazer focus. 

You feel your body heat up. You even had prep time, yet you still didn’t know exactly what to say. You swallow thickly. “I have panties on. I had nothing to put on! The pipe burst on the washer and soaked me–”

“Oh I’ll get you soaked babe–”

“Satoru!” You yelp, slamming your book closed with a loud clap. He just snorts at your embarrassment, half-lidded eyes still scanning over you to make his desire known. You can’t count the amount of times that your roomie has openly flirted with you, but it shocked you each time. 

“Y/N!” He mocked, rolling his eyes. He pushes himself off the frame and gets to the edge of your bed within a few strides. He plops down uninvited, staring at you almost as if he’s challenging you. He rests his hand on your calf, and you just stare at the point of contact with a raised brow. The man is awfully comfortable putting his hands on you, though that’s because you’ve been his since the day you moved in, in his mind. All this banter is just him being sweet and romantic. He sighs. “Let’s get real, hm? You look irresistible in my clothes, my mouth is watering over here, princess. I want ya. So stop acting like you don’t want me.” 

You watch as his tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip, his foot anxiously tapping on the ground. He’s holding back demons here, and he doesn't know how much longer he can keep himself together. It felt like the room got twenty degrees warmer, electricity brewing like you were sitting in the center of a thunderstorm. You suck in a breath of surprise, the angel and devil on your shoulder going back and forth. He was impossibly annoying, clingy and obsessive. He was like a guard dog, but if it was a guard giraffe instead with his lanky limbs and otherwise goofy nature. On the other hand, he was impossibly sexy, and you would be a dirty liar if you continued to pretend you didn’t want him to rearrange your guts in his t-shirt. 

But what’s the harm in being a tease?

“What if I don’t?” You smirk, to which he mirrors your expression. If you want to play, he can do that too. He’ll make you regret it though. That flash of adoration in your eyes told him everything he needed to know. 

“Give me a chance anyway. You’ll never fuck anyone else after this, I promise.” He says, not waiting for another catty reply from your pouty lips. He’s lunging forward, large hands grabbing your face to keep you from escaping him. Another second passes and his lips smash on yours. He’s needy, messy, and not holding himself back in this clash of teeth and lips and tongue. You were shocked by his passion, not realizing just how serious Satoru was in his pursuit of you. He kisses you like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, swallowing up any chance you have at getting oxygen with his saliva coated lips. You fist the cover beneath you, clutching the cotton for dear life. 

He’s consuming your senses and you wouldn’t have it any other way; you feel stupid for denying yourself of this for nearly two years now. His touch is fiery, you can feel his fingerprints burn into your skin and the only cure is more of those large palms gliding over your shoulders and chest. You relax into him, moving your mouth fluidly against his smiling one; his taste is of some sort of candy..starbursts maybe, but just the pink ones. His tongue gives you that flavor as it melds with yours, dominating it easily. He’s breathing heavy and grunting, the sound almost sweeter than the candy on his breath. They’re high pitched and whiny, he’s been picturing this scenario for a while now. You find yourself laying back, tugging him by the shirt to hover over you. The fabric wafted his vanilla sandalwood fragrance, of course he would smell and taste so delicious. It’s so befitting of such a deviantly perfect man. He doesn't hesitate to cover your frame with his, boxing your hips in under his as he straddles them. He breaks the make-out session to sit back on his knees to peel off his shirt–a white one not unlike the black one you stole. He throws it over his shoulder and you both hear it faintly fall in the distance. Then you both sigh, you squirm beneath him, hips shamelessly rolling into his semi. The corners of his lips curled into a smile. 

You looked truly angelic, as always. Your lips were plump and swollen from the way he smothered them, your tits perked up and nipples poking through the fabric of his tee. Your hair was just starting to get messy, and he had half a mind to fuck that bratty mouth of yours, holding out on him this long just to look up at him with those needy doe eyes. Now he’s really smirking, and it goes from an idea, to something he just has to see. He gets off of you, sliding out of his shoes, peeling off those annoying socks and his tight black jeans. He hisses when his throbbing erection isn’t so choked back, palming himself over his underwear. He goes to slide those off too when he catches you sitting up to remove his shirt. 

“No. Leave that on.” He growled, yanking his underwear off and throwing it with the rest of the discarded clothes. You hummed in response, the husk of his voice sending a jolt to your pussy. You knew you were growing damp, and the tiny lace wouldn’t do much to stop that from being painfully obvious. You sigh softly at the sight of him, though it almost pisses you off. Yes, of course, even his cock is utterly perfect. Somewhere in the eight inches ballpark, purple veins along his curved shaft led to a pretty pink tip glossy with his arousal. He thumbs the slit and spreads it further, beautiful blue eyes fluttering shut to enjoy the brief strokes. You whine, not sure what he wants you to do. 

Satoru has planned this day for so long, he’ll make sure you comply with his every request to fulfill this fantasy. He stands at the foot of your bed, huge hands wrapping around your ankles so he can drag you to lay completely flat on the mattress. There’s that devious smirk you know, your eyes widen slightly in wonder. He was planning something. 

“I can use that loud ass mouth, right?” He hums, getting back to his knees on the bed. But this time, instead of straddling your hips, he positions his knees on either side of your shoulders. You gulp, his full length looming large over your face. You look past his dick to his oceanic stare. 

“Yeah, yeah. Do your worst.” You manage to squeak, trying to reserve some of your pride. His eyes burn with amusement. He reaches his hand forward, putting a thumb on your chin to tilt your mouth downwards. He grins, angling your throat. 

“You shouldn’t have said that.” He clicked his tongue, swiping at your bottom lip. “Goddamn, I’m gonna ruin you.” He says, affectionately smoothing down your hair while tapping your mouth with his tip. “Open up.”

You part your lips wider, relaxing your jaw; you even stick your tongue out to provide him the perfect mental image to remember. He slides his cock into your silky throat, hot mouth swallowing him all up so good he’s fighting that ball of tension in his stomach just from the sight. He knows he’ll last, even if cums down your throat he’ll make sure he pumps you full of another round. You clearly needed to know who you belonged to. He leans his weight forward, his tip colliding with your gag reflex. You choke around him, but he doesn’t let up. His hand catches him on the headboard, and now he has the perfect angle to hammer into your wet mouth without mercy. He keeps his icy gaze angled down, he can’t miss a second of your tears pooling and sliding down your reddened cheeks. You’re so beautiful, he can’t believe you made him wait two years to claim you like this. That’s fine, he understands that his powerful presence can be a bit much. He is the Honored One after all. He was content to wait for you until you could honor him. 

He’s huge in your throat. You can feel your walls spasm around his cock, gagging and sputtering on him as he relentlessly slams into you. Your nose collides with his snowy pubes every time, saliva slicking down everything. Your cunt burns for attention, he’s driving you crazy with the way he’s looking at you, long white lashes framing the darkest lust-fueled stare you’ve ever seen. He’s using you so perfectly, you don’t mind being sore and unable to speak if it means you get to drink his load. Your hand sneaks over your thighs, sliding your thong over. You’re so drenched that the cold air makes you whimper around his gag, but you let your longest digit glide to your soaking hole. Gathering some of your slick, you slide back up to your aching bundle of nerves, easing circles over yourself. You sigh with relief, and Satoru turns to see why, grunting with dissatisfaction. His hips still, and he reaches to slap your hand away and give a punishing slap to your cunt. You jerk up in surprise, though the pressure was sickeningly sweet. 

“None of that shit. You oughta wait longer, made me wait two whole years to make you mine.” He growls, bringing his hands back to hold your face. He rocks his hips into your face again, moaning softly at how well you’ve acclimated to his rod. Your gags are so erotic, giving you and him both goosebumps. He chuckles, feeling his stomach and cock twitch. 

“Swallow it all or I’m not touching you.” He warns, spurting his seed down your throat. It’s a heavy load, spilling into your cheeks as he drags his cock out. You cover your mouth to keep any of his cum from leaking out, swallowing the hot liquid instantly. His hold on your cheeks makes it easy for him to push your mouth open, making sure you swallow every bit. He taps his tip against your lips in satisfaction, sliding back down your body to straddle your thighs this time. “That’s a good fuckin’ girl. You want me to eat your pussy?” He asks, sharp white teeth nipping at the delicate skin of your neck. 

You nod, still gasping for breath. Your blood was thumping in your ears as well as your pussy, and all you could think about was his strong tongue against yours earlier. 

“Beg me for it.” He smiles, breaking some skin below your collarbone and lapping his tongue over it. “Kept me waitin’ angelface. I think it’s the least you can do for me.” He coos, pushing his tee up all the way up your perfect thighs and over your tits. He nibbles his lower lip at the sight of your exposed body, not that it was the first time he’s seen you. Fresh out of the shower, scouring for clothes with no idea he’s watching or when your pajamas are so skanky you might as well wear nothing at all. This was special though, this was you wanting him, this was you begging for him to make you cum. 

You whine, squirming under him. He eyes the slutty panties, shaking his head. “And I thought I hid all of these…” He sighs, working the drenched fabric off. He sniffs them and whimpers, they smell just as heavenly as all the others. Your pussy glistens with your floods of slick, he can’t help but lick his lips, palming his semi into a full erection again. You hardly thought he was serious with all of his flirts. He definitely seemed like the type to just enjoy flustering someone. Plus, you didn’t quite understand what he saw in you–surely he could be with super models. But he made you cancel any date you had for the past two years and actively barked at anyone who looked at you twice, and now stealing your panties for his use… surely that was a lot of commitment if he was just teasing you right? Fucking your mouth like it was his god given right, wanting you to beg for him, he really did want you carnally. 

“Satoru,” You sigh out breathlessly, the man just out of arm’s reach. You bat your lashes and stare up at him. “Oh god, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you really wan’ed me! I didn’t mean to make you wait, baby, please–just please make me yours. I can’t take it ‘nymore, Sato..” You pant. He swears he’s vibrating, the pout in your voice just too much to handle. He needs you just as bad, but he has to make you cum for him before he ruins your cunt. He bites your thigh, determined to leave a bruise there, too. He’ll mark you up now that you’re his, no one could ever doubt or deny who you belong to. He only knows passion and all or nothing, his love is smothering and obsessive, and you’ll know everything about that. He groans, smelling your dripping juices was the final straw. His lips latch onto your painful need and you gasp out at the feeling. Your thigh burned where he had indented his teeth into it, but the pain only served to fog your brain up and soak your cunt just that much more

“Shoulda known I was serious.” He complains in between languid laps to your middle, drinking up the nectar. “I forgive you. ‘S gonna be okay now, I got us now.” He sighs dreamily, beginning a feisty assault on your core. He nibbles at your clit, sucking on it harshly and then following it with sweet and soothing licks. He can’t help but dip his svelte fingers in your tight hole, growling as you clamp around him. He knows you’re gonna be so fucking tight, and now he’s rutting his hips into your bed to stave off his desire until he pleases you to his liking. He coos as your arousal coats his plump pink lips, shaking his head as he devours you. His fingers pump and curl in all the right places. You’re sputtering and gasping, eyes clenched shut so hard colored orbs prick at your vision. You’re about to explode, every orgasm you’ve ever brought yourself or experienced before paling in comparison to the one you’re about to succumb to now. 

Your legs shake, clenching around his head. His strong hands force your legs back down, squeezing gently on your thighs. He kneads the flesh, admiring how easily you surrendered to him. “You bout to cum, sweet girl?” He teases, working into your spongy spot with his lengthy fingers. 

You nod, worried that he’d make you beg for that too.You decided to get ahead of the curve, babbling immediately. “Yes, please Satoru! Wan’ cum for you s’bad–please!” 

He chuckles, “Of course darling. Cum for me, Tell me I’m the only one who can make you feel this good.” He demands, watching your nose scrunch up and your body jerk involuntarily. He can feel the flood of your release against his fingers, and he grins. He can’t hold it back anymore, he has to have you right now. He doesn’t let you recover, folding your legs into a mating press to start, sliding his aching length through your slippery hole and into those choking walls. He groans, letting his head fall back. You were just as tight as he imagined–no, tighter! This was all for him, no one but him would ever touch you again. The way you grip him sends chills down his spine, and his obsessive craving for you turns into an insatiable need. You watch his adam's apple bob in his throat, eyeing the rest of his bare chest and abs that had their own abs. He growls, his hold on the underside animalist. “Oh my god, doll..” He groans, breathing through his nose in an effort to calm himself.

 “I’m gonna give it you so fucking good, little one. Gonna claim you in every way, give you my kids, don’t’cha want that?” He coos, hips snapping into your ass rapidly. He’s abusing your spot instantly, and he knows it. It’s partially because he knows he can’t last too long in this glorious cunt when he’s this worked up and partially because he wants to see you come undone before him, begging for him to fill you to the brim. He did say he’d claim you in every way, what could be more of his mark? His teeth prints bruising your sweet skin, or his child growing in your womb? He shivers at the idea. He never thought this way about people before you. Something about your perfect hair and your sweet smile made him horny in ways he never knew. He craves seeing you full of his cum, making you hold it and not letting you get any medicine to keep you from conceiving. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, right? 

His cock fills you so right that you know you’d agree to anything right now. Your feet shake by your ears, you can’t take his repeated and unforgiving slams. You nod dumbly, craving his hot load in your pussy and more of his dirty fantasies. “Mhm, wan’ give you pretty babies, ‘Toru, jus’ give it all to me.” You plead, tits bouncing with his brutal fucks. 

His mouth drops open. “Agh, oh fuck..you really want me to knock you up baby? Lock me in as your baby daddy?” He questions breathily, dick jumping as you clench down. You really did like the idea it seems, as your wanton moans and soaking wave of cum clue him in to some fantasies of your own. 

You nod vigorously again. “Yes! Oh my god, yes, please, Daddy…I’ll make you one I swear!” His whines are so rewarding. The pleasure you send coursing through him causes his brows to furrow.

“You fucking got it angel. Make me a baby.” He nods, determined to follow through on your wish. His cheeks flush, his cum shooting all over your walls. It was hot and gushing, your hole clenches in an effort to hold onto it.  He’s wanted you all this time, there was no way you would escape him now. Now, you were all for him forever, and he hoped his seed took hold and grew within you. Couldn’t be so bratty if you were glowing with a child, his child. He had more than enough money, in his mind it's completely rational. He just wanted you to be reminded who you are now, who you belong to. The world needs to know it too, and he doesn’t mind to keep trying until it works. “Gonna look so pretty when you swell up for me.” He giggles, lazily blinking at you. He pushes your beautiful hair out of your face, gently holding your cheek. 

“I love you. That’s why I act this way. You’re all mine now, for good. I'll always take good care of you, my pretty mama.” He coos, his voice sweet as he leans up to kiss your parted lips, your body still coping with the waves of pleasure. Sure, all the dinners you’ve made for him and all the times you’ve folded his laundry was just you being nice, but you knew why you cared so much for your annoyingly handsome roommate. 

“I love you too. Here I was thinking this was the unluckiest day of my life.” You snort, running your hands through his white locks as he remains content to lay on top of you. He chuckles in return, but his mind is busy. He’s thinking about what theme for the nursery, names for your son or daughter, and how good you’d look needing him for everything for the next nine months. 

[her-devils-advocate]

Year 850, then; Year 854, now

pairings: Levi Ackerman x (GN!) reader

genre: Hurt/comfort, fluff, fluff and comfort, angst, angst and fluff

summary: Two tender moments between you and Levi after being injured in battle, leaving him to worry and look after you in his own ways.

Warning for the ending of aot spoilers

word count: 3,765

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54818275

Year 850, then:

It had been a gruelling expedition, one that had resulted in a multitude of casualties, including your own. It was a routine mission, you and your squad had been tasked with surveying the land, finding the safest route to one of the scout bases and supplying it ahead of time. You only needed to bring simple necessities like spare food and medical equipment that the upcoming squad would require during their stay there, as well as clearing out any titans that had happened to be found along the way. A small risk, all things considered.

On paper, it was one of the safest missions that the scouts had taken in a while. After the previous expedition had resulted in many deaths, the scouts had put a small pause on activity outside the walls while everyone recovered and re-evaluated future missions.

Levi had scoffed at the mention of Erwin sending you as the squad leader, mumbling under his breath that such a mission was beneath you and your team. You had reassured him that you were the best choice; that it would be a simple in-and-out mission. You and your team would be back before he knew it.

“I still don’t see why we are bothering to send you of all people on a supply run to that dusty old base. What a waste of time and resources when you should be focusing on training your team. How are you supposed to prepare your team for the upcoming missions while wasting energy supplying another?”

“Levi, it’s alright.” You remember the smile that lights up your face when you see him roll his eyes, his lips pursed in what was definitely not a pout. The captain would never do such a thing, of course. That's what he told you when you gleefully pointed it out, at least.

“Having me lead the squad is probably just a precaution, in case anything happens. I highly doubt that we will encounter many titans, if any. You know the route is usually empty each time we send out supplies. I’ll be back before you even have a chance to miss me.”

“Tch, sure. If anything, it will give me the peace I need to finish that paperwork.”

You mentally cursed yourself for tempting the universe to put you in your place, forcing you to eat your words.

On paper, it was a simple task. 

In actuality, the pouring rain obscured your vision, making it almost impossible to see more than a few feet in front of you as the dark clouds dimmed the world around you. The heavy rain mixed with the steady march of the horses along the ground. Their hooves drummed against the wet earth, vibrating through your cold and tense body, splashing through the slowly growing puddles. The howling wind echoed in your ears, taking the words of your squad and drifting them up to the dark clouds above. 

It was a perfect recipe for disaster, especially when neither you nor your team could spot the two abnormal titans rapidly approaching your position. 

The last thing you remember is the shooting pain as one of the titans reached its elongated limb to swipe at your horse, sending you flying through the air and crashing into the ground.

That's how you find yourself lying in a lumpy bed, the scratchy material rubbing against the sections of tender skin not currently covered in bandages. You sit up with a small wince, pain rolling over you in long waves at the motion. You carefully wiggle your arms and legs, happy to feel them move at your command despite the hot flush of pain. 

Hange and Commander Erwin arrive shortly after you wake, sitting beside you and keeping you company as you give your report of the mission. They don't miss the way your eyes flicker with shame, guilt reflecting in your eyes for not noticing the danger until it was too late, despite battling the elements. 

You are usually careful once you and your squad are in Titan territory, always on high alert and on the watch for the slightest hint of danger. While it’s not the first time you’ve found yourself on the bad side of luck, the guilt and feelings of failure never seem to lessen. 

“You will be happy to know that everyone survived. They are a bit battered here and there, but your squad will be alright in time. You are the most injured out of everyone, in fact, congrats!” Hange says, amusement and relief shining in their eyes as they watch you sigh, sinking deeper into the frustratingly stiff pillows.

“That is good news, thank you Hange. Not that I don't appreciate you both visiting me, seeing both of your faces certainly helps to brighten my day, when I’m not in trouble or receiving bad news, that is.” 

You hear the two chuckle, despite being friends with Erwin, you have forced his hand enough to be given a few small slaps on the wrist in the past. 

“But where's Levi? I figured he would be here to lecture me on getting injured at the very least.”

Erwin gives you a knowing smile, sitting up in his chair a little straighter, “Don't worry, I’m positive that you won't get away from that lecture. I've already gotten my version from him at least twice now.”

You raise your eyebrow quizzically, you knew of Levi’s frustrations with the mission yet you never figured he would chew Erwin out over it.

Before he has a chance to continue, Hange lets out a loud laugh, desperate to share a fact they know Levi would happily keep to himself.

“Shorty refused to leave your side when you were brought in, even with the medics stating that he was getting in their way. He only left just before you woke up to fetch you some food, claiming you're ‘a damn brat when hungry’.” 

They lower their voice to mimic him while crossing their arms and glaring as they speak. You let out a small, surprised giggle, the action causing you to wince as your ribs protest.

“You know, if anything, he’s probably going to be even more pissed that you decided to wake up after he left,” Hange says with a small wink.

As if on cue, Levi opens the door with one hand, carefully balancing a plate of unusual food on the other.

“I got held up by the damn brats. Braus and Springer found me in the kitchen and decided to take over, wanting to show me a secret they had when it came to making the most out of our shitty reserves or something. I figured there was no harm, those kiddos have been vibrating with nerves ever since they got the news.”

He pauses once he takes in the sight before him, his eyes widen when he finally spots you awake. You give him a warm smile as you see the relief that washes over him. His eyes linger on you briefly before he clears his throat, trying to push down the visible urge to rush over to you despite the small audience. 

“Apparently they have found a way to make eating potatoes for the hundredth time in a row more exciting for them. Didn't bother to share that with the rest of us. They also told me not to share this information with Erwin since they don't want to be lectured on using our reserves for their little experiment.” 

Levi turns to the man in question, ignoring the amusement glinting in Erwin's eyes as Levi’s glare hardens. “I told the kids that the day they get to tell me what to do will be the day all the titans are finally killed, once and for all.”

You can’t help the giggles that erupt from you despite trying to hold back, rapidly dissolving into loud laughter that only grows even more frantic when Hange joins in. Their laughter is even louder as they grasp at their sides, rapidly running out of breath themselves. Tears roll down your cheeks as you try to catch your own breath, bringing a hand to clutch at your tender ribs as each gasp causes the pain to flare angrily. 

“Oi, what’s so funny, you two?” Levi’s displeased voice cuts through the growing chaos, only betrayed by the subtle redness of his ears and the softness of his eyes as he watches you struggle to compose yourself. Hange waves their hand in his direction, yet each time they try to speak, more giggles slip from their lips. 

He scoffs before shoving the plate onto your lap, mindful to avoid your injuries before pulling Hange out of the chair beside your bed and settling down into it, ignoring their cries of protest.

“Hey! I was sat there first, shorty. Erwin!” “Yeah, well I’m sat here now, four-eyes. Don’t you have a titan to go poke? And you,” Levi turns to glare at Erwin, who was simply content to watch his soldiers bicker despite their positions, “don’t you have some paperwork to fill out or something?”

The tall blonde slowly stands from his chair, ushering Hange out of the room alongside him before turning towards you with a kind expression.

“We know when we have overstayed our welcome, we wish you a speedy recovery.”

You give Erwin a small nod before looking down at the food placed on your lap. You notice the thin slices of potato that had been cooked until they were crisped. You glance up at Levi, raising a single eyebrow.

“Don’t ask me, the cadets wanted to make something nice for you. They were worried.”

Once Erwin and Hange can be heard moving further down the medical wing while Hange happily chats the other’s ear off, Levi moves from the chair he had rudely claimed. He nudges you, silently requesting you to shuffle over to give him room on the uncomfortable bed. Once he is settled, you rest your head on his shoulder as he carefully brings his arm around you, protectively pulling you close to his side.

“Just them?”

“Tch, shut up and eat your meal.”

Year 854, now:

Thick clouds of dust begin to settle over the ruined ground, it sticks to your hot skin as you breathe heavily. Silence uncomfortably blankets everyone as they let the moment sink in. You had done it, you had all succeeded. Not that it feels like a success.

Your whole body screams out with each movement you make, you had stopped keeping up with your injuries hours ago, simply having more important things to focus on. The stakes were too high to risk caring for every injury. The adrenalin and fear had kept the pain manageable as you pushed your body to its limits, but now, nothing can help as you try to stifle your whimpers.

You don’t know how to feel, already emotionally and physically past your breaking point. You can hear Armin wail somewhere behind you, the sound is haunting as each scream stabs deep into your heart. You don’t want to turn around; you can’t will yourself to do so. You know you should be there to help comfort everyone, but your body is frozen. You’ve always been good at lending a comforting shoulder to the 104th cadets in the past, but now you doubt that anything you do could bring any peace to them.

With Armin's sobs breaking the tense silence, sound reluctantly returns to the world. The bitter victory has no celebration, only relieved sighs and mourning.

You spot Levi from a distance, perched against a fallen rock. Dark blood slowly oozes out from his extended leg, having been broken multiple times and further injured during the final battle. 

You allow yourself to feel happy, knowing that he will be alright and that you are both alive. 

Your stubborn body unfreezes, despite the pain and exhaustion, allowing you to slowly stumble your way towards him. Your eyes are glued to the destroyed ground as you approach your captain. You take the time to rack your brain of things to say, what can you even say after everything you have both been through? Everything feels too casual, too insignificant compared to the lifelong trauma, both the physical and mental kind, that has been thrust upon you both in the past couple of weeks. You feel selfish for your happiness at his survival, having said too many goodbyes in such a short period. Too many good people have been lost in the twisted war.

“Well, look who showed up…”

Levi’s tired voice stops you in your tracks and your question dies in your throat with a quiet choke when you look up to the crowd now surrounding you. 

They are all there: Erwin, Hange and their squad, Levi’s squad, and the dozens of scouts that had risked everything to get you both where you are now. Your eyes blur with thick tears as you catch Hange’s eye, gazing at you in sadness. You want to scream, to run away, to run up and embrace them. You try to compose yourself, but the tears pour down your cheeks when you see the spirits of your squad smiling at you in pride. 

“Hey boss, you’re looking pretty banged up” The tall redhead of your group approaches, you remember the day he first joined your squad, all smiles and false confidence. Next to him stands his closest friend, you had chosen both of them at the same time, not wishing to split them apart. Next to them is your second in command, a quiet girl with a strong heart.

“Hi Leon, you can say that again. It’s good to see you again… It’s really good to see you all.” Your voice wavers as you take in the sight of them all, you gradually lost them one by one. Some before Eren’s little stunt, some after. Yet each loss hit hard.

“We’re proud of you, we knew you could do it.”

Your team salute you and the captain one last time before joining the others, fading away with a mixture of emotions on their faces. Some are sad to leave you both behind, some are happy to have gotten a final goodbye at last and some are relieved to see you still alive.

You take in a deep breath, willing your bruised heart to slow down before it bursts out of your chest. Your hands feel numb and you feel your body begin to shake as your mind tries to catch up.

“Oi, sit down before you hurt yourself even more. You look like you're about to pass out.” Levi’s voice is void of emotion as his damp eye looks up at you in concern. You sigh before waddling over to him, your body feels like stone as you collapse against the hard rock, being careful to keep a gap between your bodies, not wanting to possibly hurt him.

“I feel like I might, I also feel like I’m about to be sick.” In any other situation, you would laugh at the way his face scrunches up in disgust at the thought.

“If you do that, you better lean the other way. I don’t want to be covered in it.”

You allow yourself to let out an amused scoff, it feels unnatural to laugh as you scoot closer to him to lean your pounding head against his shoulder.

“Aye aye, captain.” You weakly raise your fist to your heart, giving him a lighthearted salute. You hear a small scoff of his own in return. 

“How…how are you doing?” Your whispered words crack as they fall past your lips and you feel him stiffen beside you.

“Good question, you?”

“...Good question, I’m going to go with tired for now.” You can feel your energy quickly fade as black splotches begin to take over your vision, and your body feels light and heavy at the same time.

Levi’s hand brushes your own. He gingerly takes your hand, softly rubbing circles into the back of your hand. “I’m going to need you to control your breathing, you’ve already lost a lot of blood with your current injuries. I need you to stay awake until we can get you sorted. Alright?” 

You give him a non-committal hum in response as you try to keep your eyes open. They feel like lead and you want nothing more than to fade into the warm embrace that sleep would bring. 

Even besides Levi, the panic continues to swirl around you, dancing maliciously with the pain and nausea. A part of you knows that there is no reason to be scared, you won, yet everything is still unknown. Where do you go from here? Can either of you last for much longer in your sorry states?

Before you can get too lost in your mind, a sharp wave of pain rushes through you when Levi gives you a gentle jab with his elbow, his eyebrows are furrowed with worry as you let out a deep grunt.

“I’m serious, don’t you dare fall asleep until we know you’re in the clear. Do you hear me?”

His words are harsh and yet you can hear the frantic worry that's hidden just below the surface. You want to reply, to tease him for his worry, just like old times, but when you go to open your mouth, you feel as if you are miles away. The world grows darker and the part of you that's not overwhelmed with panic feels guilty for the added stress now thrown onto Levi.

Light chatter surrounds you when you open your eyes, you squint as the harsh sunlight invades your vision. You can feel a thin blanket covering your body and a stiff pillow supporting your head; you feel groggy as you try to take in your surroundings and you mumble incoherently. The chatter dies instantly, a blurry head popping up in your light of sight, blocking the sunlight peaking through the medical tent flap.

“Captain Levi, they’re awake!” Connie’s voice booms through the small, cramped tent. You wince as his voice pierces through your skull, causing it to pound angrily. You had hoped you could sleep through the worst of your injuries, but you have never had the best luck.

“We can see that, quiet down.” Levi’s voice causes your heart to lighten. You groan as you bring yourself to sit up within the medical cot, Levi’s hands holding onto you tightly as he helps guide your stubborn self into a comfortable sitting position.

Connie is hovering nervously by the side of your bed, while Jean and Armin are sitting on the floor nearby. Levi has claimed the singular chair within the tent, placing it as close to the cot as possible. His leg has been wrapped up in bandages once more while his old ones have been replaced with clean ones. You scan his body for any more serious injuries, relaxing when nothing new stands out.

“Hey, I’m alright. We’re all okay.” Levi gives you a knowing look as the rest of the group nods in reassurance.

“Mikasa has already left…She wanted to leave with Eren before…They wouldn’t have given him a decent burial here.” Jean says awkwardly, unsure of what to say or how to say it.

“Way to make things depressing, Jean.”

“Alright, how would you have told them, Connie? I would love to know.”

“Enough, don’t start, you two.” The pair stiffen as Levi’s gruff voice cuts their bickering short.

“Sorry, captain.”

You watch the shenanigans in amusement, your eyes shining with more tears as you take the moment in. They are all okay, they will be okay. The gloom that surrounds you all begins to vanish as a new form of normalcy tries to settle in. 

Levi gives them a stern look before slowly standing from his chair. You watch as he grits his teeth, doing his best to keep his mask of nonchalance firmly in place despite the agony he feels. 

“What are you doing?”

“What do you think? I’m going to find you something to eat. You’ve been asleep for hours and I know you haven’t managed to eat much during all the bullshit.” “Levi…” “What? You’re a damn brat when hungry, it’s more for our sake than yours.” You can’t help the smile that finds its way onto your face despite your concern. You can hear the others snicker, trying to stifle their amusement before he turns on them as well. 

“Oh, captain. It’s alright, please sit down.” Armin rushes up to Levi, his hands hovering before him as if he’s scared to try and place them upon Levi. After a moment of uncertainty, Armin proceeds to gently help Levi sit back down. Your heart warms as you watch Levi reluctantly accept their help without any pushback.

“Connie has already sorted out the snacks,” Armin explains in response to Levi’s questioning glare.

“Yeah, I found a basket of fruit and sandwiches that everyone had put together when we made the camp. Before anyone says anything, I know it’s bad considering…yeah…but I managed to swipe a few for us.”

You thank Connie as he tosses a slightly squashed sandwich in your direction, not realising just how hungry you are as you bite into it. You feel Levi’s hand grasp yours as he slowly eats his own. A peaceful silence falls over the tent, only to be quickly broken.

“Hey, Armin. That was pretty brave of you, y’know.” Connie’s loud whispering catches the attention of everyone as you all slowly turn to watch the pair. Armin raises his eyebrows, confusion plastered clearly on his face.

“Telling the captain what to do like that. I’d have fainted if I were in your shoes.” “Well…” Armin takes a moment to consider his words, a playful gleam in his eyes.

“Remember 4 years ago? He did say we could tell him what to do when all the titans were dead.”

Your eyes widen as your shoulders begin to shake with restrained laughter. Jean and Connie are frozen in shock as Levi lets out a loud groan.

“I was hoping you kids had forgotten that, don’t get cocky.”

You don’t miss the way his voice softens as the group's playful behaviour sinks in. You squeeze his hand, receiving a light squeeze in return when you shuffle to lean closer to him.

His voice is low, just loud enough for you to make out his whispered words. 

“I think we’re going to be alright.”

“Yeah, I think we will be.”

[nyankochan]

Sound of Snow

Pairing: deaf!Rengoku x gn!reader (college au)

Synopsis: There’s a cute guy in your class who ends up being your partner for a big research project. However, after realizing there’s a slight communication issue, you’re determined to learn sign language. And in the process of teaching you, Kyojuro realizes he’s slowly falling for you

Romance Tropes: college setting, tutoring, he falls first, miscommunication (lmao I’m so sorry), golden retriever bf

A/n: remember how in the spin off story Rengoku ruptured his ear drums to battle the flute demon? Imagine him being deaf/hard of hearing in the modern, Kimetsu Academy world. I’m also obsessed with “A Sign of Affection” and Ana Huang’s books.

W/c: 7K (im sorry)

History was your least favorite subject.

Most of the time it was boring as hell, nearly putting you to sleep from the long drawn out lectures your professor gave. It didn’t help that his lessons were insanely dull nor the fact the class was a large lecture with some 50 students in it. You were a literal small fish in a big sea, so it was damn near impossible to ask questions during the lesson or to get 1-on-1 help with the teacher.

You were doing the best you could. You and your roommate, Mitsuri, who was also on the verge of failing, often held late night cram sessions, trying to do your best at memorizing dates and key moments in history. With little success, you were truly hoping that on the midterm you could skate by with at least a D.

“For the midterm, you will be doing a group research project on one of the four units we’ve discussed thus far,” sensei explains. “You have been assigned a partner at random, and the four of you have the flexibility to do a research on anything as long as it pertains to one of our units. Today you meet with your partner, and by Friday I need you to submit a project proposal.”

“Great,” you groan, nearly slamming your face on the desk. Beside you, Mitsuri giggled. You don’t know why she was laughing. Her grades were as bad as yours.

“Mind you, this project is worth thirty-five percent of your overall final grade,” sensei continues. “I highly advise you not wait until the last minute for this assignment as you have a month to put together your report. I’ll display the groups on the board. You have the rest of the class to discuss.”

From your seat it’s hard to see the board. Squinting you eventually find your name and group:

Group 3: Iguro Obanai, L/n Y/n, Kanroji Mitsuri, Rengoku Kyojuro

“Oh oh! Y/n! We’re together,” Mitsuri says, excitedly shaking you. You hope the other two are smart, otherwise, you’re fucked.

The professor gives a few more instructions before allowing people to break into their groups.

“Excuse me,” someone said. Standing in front of yours and Mitsuri’s desk are two guys that you’ve never seen before (then again, you hardly pay attention to anyone or anything in class).

One of the guys is much shorter, with shoulder length black hair and uniquely colored eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. He wears a black face mask that honestly matches the rest of his dark ensemble, a black and white cardigan that hangs baggy on his body.

Next to him is a taller individual with wild, shoulder length blond hair that’s been dyed red at the tips. He’s dressed in a white tshirt with an unzipped windbreaker jacket and grey joggers. When the male notices your stare, he smiles. It’s so radiant that you think you’ll go blind.

“I’m Iguro Obanai, and this is Rengoku,” the guy with the mask introduces. “It looks like we’re partners. A pleasure to work with you.”

“I’m Kanroji! But you can feel free to call me Mitsuri,” you roommate says too excitedly. “And this is Y/n!”

You nod in acknowledgment. They don’t seem so bad. Perhaps you’ll actually ace this midterm and avoid having to retake the class. After Iguro and Rengoku push two desks together, you get to work.

Iguro practically assumes the role of the group leader, not that anyone objects or complains. His notes are detailed, organized and surprisingly, they make sense to you. Though he comes up with a few good potential ideas, he doesn’t force any final decisions, leaving it up to the group.

“I like the pop culture idea,” you agree. “I think it would go along well with the globalization unit.”

“Ohh I actually understood that unit!” Mitsuri said. “Good idea, Iguro!” Though he wears a mask, you note the way the black haired male’s ears redden slightly in embarrassment from the praise. You grin. You can already see the budding romance forming on the horizon, and you’d support it no matter what.

Rengoku though hasn’t said much. He nods along, looking intently back and forth between his notebook and Iguro’s, who points out things for him to write from time to time. You don’t want to exclude his opinion, so you ask, “does that idea work for you, Rengoku?”

“Oh yeah, we don’t want to invalidate your opinion,” Mitsuri adds, as kind and considerate as ever.

“Uh…” Rengoku’s eyebrows furrow slightly. He looks to Iguro. His companion makes a gesture, communicating something with only a few hand signs which makes the blond’s expression appear more excited. “Oh, yes!” Rengoku signs back while vocalizing his agreement. His enthusiasm is kinda cute?

“Sign language?” Mitsuri beats you to the question.

“It’s not really my place to share,” Iguro says, glancing over at Rengoku who’s hunched over his notebook, pen quickly jotting away. As his hair falls over his shoulders, you see something red around his ear. “But Rengoku’s deaf.”

Rengoku turns his notebook towards you and Mitsuri. The two of you lean in to read his neat handwriting.

“I’ve been fully deaf since I was seven. I have hearing aids that help me distinguish some sounds, but I’m fluent in JSL and know a bit of ASL. I can read lips decently, and Obanai helps a bunch with things that I miss. I really like the project idea and I will make sure to do my part! ( ^ω^ )”

The little emoticon makes you smile.

“Wow you’re so amazing Kyojuro!” Mitsuri says. “I’ve always wanted to learn sign language.”

“Obanai and I can teach you,” Rengoku scribbles across the page.

“Woah, you know JSL too?”

Iguro, somewhat bashfully, nods. “We grew up together, so naturally I picked up on it.”

“I see! Say, why don’t we create a group chat in LINE so we can meet up outside of class.”

With no objections, you all exchange contact information. Mitsuri does the honor of creating the chat and nicknaming it “study buddies.” You add Iguro and Rengoku as friends so that their names come up your contact.

You send each of them a silly Pokémon sticker. Rengoku responds back with an onigiri emote wearing sunglasses. You laugh. It was cute.

You don’t notice the way Rengoku stares at you, watching the way you expression changes with laughter and how your eyes crinkle and your teeth show with your smile. His cheeks slowly turn red. Iguro’s the only one that notices his friend’s flustered look, and he could only smile behind his mask.

The bell rings signaling the end of the period. You all begin gathering your belongings, placing them in your bags, Iguro signing to Rengoku that class is finished. “Oh, are you guys free?” Mitsuri asks. “Why don’t we all grab lunch together?”

“I’m available,” Iguro instantly agrees. He looks to Rengoku, asking if he’s hungry.

“Yes!” Rengoku replied, cheerfully.

Iguro chuckles. “You’re always hungry.”

At that moment, Mitsuri’s stomach growls, her face flushing from embarrassment as you snicker under your breath. “So is this one over here,” you laugh. “What shall we get? Is sushi good?”

“Oh! Good idea! There’s actually a new restaurant that opened up by campus,” Mitsuri says. She searches up something on her phone, before everyone’s device pings with a message in the group chat. Rengoku’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He opens up the link sent and scrolls through the menu. He’s never been an overly picky eater and likes just about all food, but seeing that this particular restaurant had a tempura and sweet potato lunch sent, he’s instantly sold.

Kyojuro: I’m in!! ٩( ᐛ )و they have tempura teishoku!

Iguro: At this rate if you eat too much tempura, your hair will change colors

Kyojuro: waatt seriously?! ಠ_ಠ

Y/n: that’s what happened to Mitsuri’s hair. She ate too much Sakura mochi ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Kanroji:wahhh!??! That’s not true and you know it! .°(ಗдಗ。)°.

You all laugh, Mitsuri sulking as you leave the classroom. Iguro tries to cheer the pink haired girl up, and she honestly gets over her funk pretty quickly, beginning to talk his ear off. Not that he seems to mind, making no effort to stop her.

On the other hand, you and Rengoku trail behind the budding couple. You aren't quite sure what to say to him. Compared to Mitsuri, you were nowhere near as outgoing or extraverted and striking up a conversation didn't come as easy to you. In fact, you hardly talked to anyone in you classes outside of Mitsuri and your other roommate, a biology major named Shinobu.

Rengoku noticed your apprehension, like you wanted to say something but wasn't sure if you should or not. He definitely wanted to get to know you. At the same time, he didn't want to make you uncomfortable, in case perhaps, group outings weren't really your thing. He taps your shoulder, catching you off guard.

"You okay?" Rengoku asks.

"Huh? Oh-" You frantically wave your hands, embarrassed at being called out. "Yes! I'm sorry. I'm okay. I just zoned out a bit."

There is an unreadable expression on Rengoku's face as he tilts his head to the side. He then smiles. With his right hand he touches his fingertips to the left side of his chest and moves them to the right. "Okay," he repeats.

You have a confused look on your face, and Rengoku repeats the sign again. Hesitantly, you mimic him, unsure if you're mirroring his action correctly. "Like this?"

Rengoku grabs your hand, gently bending your fingers so that your hand is slightly curved. You notice just how big his hand is compared to yours, long slender fingers covering yours as he adjusts the positioning of your own. He then moves your hand from the left to the right. "This is sign for okay," he informs.

His touch lingers even when he pulls away. His hand was rough and calloused, yet warm and comforting in a way you couldn't explain. You repeat the sign, Rengoku's nod of approval making something in your chest flutter. If only your teachers were this kind and efficient with teaching. Maybe then you'd pass your classes, let alone pay attention.

"Um, Rengoku," you cut yourself off to pull your phone out of your pocket. You find his name on LINE, but curiously, Rengoku leans over your shoulder to see what you type. "What's your major?" You ask.

"History," Rengoku answers, signing along what you think is the word for it. He pauses for a moment to think, before taking out his phone to text. A message soon comes through. "What about you?"

Y/n: I'm a ___ major. Mitsuri's majoring in art and graphic design

Kyojuro: Intersting! Obanai's a chem major.

Kyojuro: do you know what you want to do with your degree afterwards?

Y/n: not at all T^T. And if I don't pass this history class, I can kiss getting that degree goodbye anyway

Kyojuro: (・・?)

Kyojuro: If you ever need help, feel free to let me know! I’d be happy to share any notes!! (^O^)／

Y/n: Rengoku you’re a godsend!

(つД`)ノ

Kyojuro: haha! Please just call me Kyojuro!

Y/n: right! Then call me y/n!

You hear Rengoku let out a laugh, a quiet little chuckle as he grins your way. You feel heat creep across your cheeks and you quickly look away before he noticed. He was so kind and sweet without even trying, being nice to you though you’d only just met. You weren’t really one to fluster, but something about him just had you feeling giddy.

Rengoku taps your shoulder again, seeing you weren’t paying attention. He holds out his right hand, nodding for you to do the same. He goes through a few signs, pausing to correct your fingers every once in a while. You have no clue what you’re doing, but try to follow along.

“That’s your name,” Rengoku says, signing through your name faster than he’d instructed.

“I see…” you try to copy, but forget one of the letters. “Uh…” Rengoku smiles and re-shows you the character.

“Like this.” With his close proximity, you could smell what ever cologne he used earlier, giving him a woodsy smell that reminded you of a campfire. You could feel your heart racing as nerves took over.

“I don’t think I’ll remember in five minutes, but I’ll practice,” you laugh. “How do you sign your name?”

Rengoku instantly frowned, scratching at his cheek, a nervous tick of his. “My name is…difficult.”

Still, you offer him a sincere smile. “Please teach me.”

Rengoku nods. But before he could show you the first character, your group arrives at the restaurant.

The place you had chosen was a revolving sushi chain, popular in various cities for the variety in the menu and the fun prizes you could get after eating so many plates. A place finally opened up near campus, so it was quite packed with college students.

Iguro signs in at the kiosk. A ticket prints for your assigned table and a waitress points your group in the direction of your seat. You originally planned to sit by Mitsuri. Why wouldn’t you sit by your best friend after all? But before you could, Rengoku grabs the sleeve of your sweatshirt, stopping you in your tracks.

He honestly reacted before he could process his actions. At the realization, Rengoku’s face slowly reddened and his mind went blank as the request sitting on the tip of his tongue fell short. Why did he grab you?! What possessed him to do such an embarrassing thing? He hoped you wouldn’t be offended or take it the wrong way. His eyes darted toward his friend, a silent plea for help.

“You want to sit by Y/n?” Iguro signed. He chuckled under his breath. “Just ask. When have you been known to be shy?”

Iguro was no help. Rengoku knew his friend wanted to sit with Mitsuri as much as he wanted to sit next to you.

“Sit?” Rengoku said hesitantly. “Please?”

You offer a smile before scooting into the both left to him leaving Iguro to settle in beside Mitsuri. Not that your somewhat air headed friend noticed how the black haired male sunk into his seat to put some nervous space between them.

What was nice about the restaurant was there was a tablet to order from. You just had to select what you wanted from the menu, submit it to the kitchen, then a few minutes later the plate would come down the conveyor belt to your table.

Mitsuri snatched the device before anyone could completely get settled. Although she contemplated about what to eat and asked everyone for their opinions, you knew she added it to the order regardless. Iguro orders a drink and maybe two items (always had a small appetite) before handing it to you. You add the items you want, including a melon soda, and pass along the tablet to Rengoku.

He’s cute in the way he ponders his decision, but ultimately, much like Mitsuri, orders half the menu. It takes a while for the orders to come out, a plate deposited down the conveyor belt every few minutes. So, the group decides to eat as food arrives and order more food into the rotation.

“This food is so good!” Mitsuri gushes, her mouth full of rice. Her stack of plates was at least 15 high. Her and Rengoku alone contributed to most of the dish ware cluttering the table while you barely had four.

“Tasty!” Rengoku agrees, swiping his hand under his jaw. It almost looked like he was wiping food from his chin despite nothing being there. He looks to you with a smile and repeats the sign with a questioning expression.

“Oh, yeah,” you say. You copy the gesture. Rengoku’s smile widens and he holds up his chopsticks to you.

“Tempura.”

“N-no it’s okay.” Rengoku pouts. You sigh and open your mouth to let him happily feed you. “It’s delicious,” you sign, albeit a bit incorrect, but you tried nonetheless. And that little notion of intent left a fluttering feeling in Rengoku’s chest.

No one ever really made an effort to learn sign language, unfortunately. Outside of Iguro, his brother and his mother, many didn’t bother to even learn the basics. Hell, his father knew JSL but often intentionally ignored him and avoided communicating. The fact that you were making a conscious effort to learn the few words he’d shown you made Rengoku insanely happy.

“Ne, Obanai, you don’t want anything else?” Mitsuri asked, pulling her next plate off the conveyor belt.

“No, I’m not very hungry,” the male mumbled.

“Ehh? But you have to try this one! It has salmon!” At her insistence, Iguro sighs and allows her to place the sushi roll on his plate.

You ponder what else to eat but don’t think you could possibly stomach anything else. Rengoku leans against you to try to look at the menu in your hand. He’s warm. You could feel his body heat and smell his cologne more potently, and it jumbled the nerves in your stomach. It took everything in you not to lean into his touch though you desperately wanted to.

“K-Kyo-“ dammit. Your voice cracked. Calm down. You point to the tuna roll. “Can you teach me the sign for this?”

Rengoku eagerly nodded and held out his hand. He showed tuna. Rice. Salmon. Sushi. Egg. To eat. With a little guidance, you managed to string together a choppy “I eat a sushi roll.” You kept fucking up the different fish and eventually conceded, much to Rengoku’s amusement.

“Are you two done with your lesson?” Iguro asks/signs, a knowing smirk on his face. “The other people at the table would like to see the menu if you’re done hogging it.”

Both you and Rengoku flush, and you quickly shove the device across the table. You were both so wrapped up in your own little world together, everything else had bleared into the background. Both of you were falling fast, and neither realized it.

~*~

The next few weeks you were busy, juggling your group project meeting, your other coursework, and your fellowship responsibilities for your scholarship (a few hours of work for the department), you were exhausted and a bit stressed. Your group met a couple times a week in the library to work on the project, which thankfully gotten approved by your professor without any issues.

You and Rengoku also often had sign language lessons here and there. Sometimes while you waited for Mitsuri and Iguro to arrive at the library. Or During your lunch breaks when you had time. You now had a decent grasp on the letters and basic greetings but could no where near hold a full blown conversation. Rengoku was patient and helpful, just happy to spend a little more time with you when his schedule permitted.

Much like you, everyone had their busy schedules. Mitsuri had her art club. Iguro had his chemistry labs. And Rengoku, much to your surprise, had practice for the Kendo team. Not that it should. His physique had to come from some physical sport. You’ve seen the way his muscles flex under the sleeves of his shirt. And you’ve quickly learned that Rengoku’s a hugger, from how easily he picks you up in greeting.

“No stop Y/n!” You mentally scold yourself. “Stop fantasizing about his body. What are you? A horny teenager? Focus on your damn homework!”

“Ara? If you glare at your textbook any harder, it may combust,” a soothing, yet somewhat sly voice pulls you out of your thoughts.

“Oh, hey Shinobu. I didn’t realize you were going to be home this early.”

Your other roommate smiled, but you always suspected a hint of fakeness behind it. She always came across as guarded, like she was hiding something. Still, the short black haired girl was friendly and cordial, always doing her fair share of chores and entertaining Mitsuri’s insistence on weekly movie nights for bonding.

“The lab I’m a TA for ended early when one of the students got acid in his eyes from messing around,” Shinobu sighed. “He ended up being alright, but the professor was not thrilled.”

You cringe at the thought. Shinobu doesn’t stay long. Her phone rings, as upon glancing at the caller idea, you swear a hint of red touches her cheeks, and Shinobu hurries off, retreating to her room to study as she claimed.

Your textbook seems to mock you as you will yourself to focus. It was just so boring and all the words started to blur together as you fought the urge to doze off.

Your phone pinged.

Rengoku: Heyooo!! s( ^ω^ )

Rengoku: are you busy??

Y/n: studying. Why?

Rengoku: look outside

You nearly fell off the couch trying to stand. You pull back the blinds to open the slide door leading to the balcony. Below, Rengoku waves up at you, dressed in a red sweater and jeans, a scarf wrapped around his neck. It was chilly, thanks to the growing fall weather, and his lack coat was concerning.

Y/n: what are you doing here?!

Rengoku: I was on my way home from my part time job. I got to take home extra cupcakes and was wondering if you wanted one?

You forgot. You and Rengoku actually lived in the same complex, but different buildings. He roomed with Iguro, a scary engineering major named Shinazugawa, and another gentleman named Tomioka who you hadn’t met.

Rengoku: is now a bad time?

You snap quickly out of your shock.

Y/n: no! I’m on my way down!

You throw on some shoes, grab your keys, and wrap the throw blanket around your shoulders before flying out of your apartment, nearly falling down the stairs.

Rengoku waited patiently outside your building, ears and cheeks growing hot from the chilling cold and anticipation. He had been in such a rush to go see you that he all but forgot his fall coat. His hands felt like ice around the cupcake box. But to see you it was all worth it.

He instantly feels warm when he sees you stumble out the door, frazzled and under dressed. Before he could say anything, you grab him by the arm and yank him into the warmth of the building.

“Geeze, you’re gonna get sick without a coat!” You scold, though you were now shivering from the brief moment you stepped outside.

Rengoku merely smiles and holds up the box of cupcakes wrapped up neatly with a bow. “For you!”

His smile is contagious. “You might as well come up for a bit,” you say with a sigh, turning to hide your flustered face. “It’d be rude to kick out someone so cute…”

“Hm?”

“Nothing! Follow me.”

You lead Rengoku up the stairs and down the hall to your apartment, 205. Right as you’re arriving, Shinobu’s leaving it what seems to be a haste.

“Hey, I thought you had studying to do?” You say, oddly suspicious of her behavior. She’s usually so put together.

Shinobu seems startled by masks it well. “Something came up and so I’ll be home late. Bye!”

Rengoku and you wear similar confused expressions as you both enter the apartment. “Well, that was strange,” you comment.

“She’s…roommate?” Rengoku questions.

“Yeah. Shinobu Kocho.” You spell out her name in sign language. Rengoku nods.

“She has come to my place before.” You aren’t prepared for the bombshell he drops.

“Wait huh?!”

“Yes, she and Tomioka seem close.”

Oh you were most definitely not letting this shit go. You were gonna have a field day with this information.

“Make yourself comfortable,” you say. “The place is kinda a mess. I’ll grab some plates and drinks.”

Rengoku looks around the living room like a curious cat. The pastel pillows on the couch match the rug and blankets, which he could only assume Mitsuri had a hand in the color choice. The small dining table is cluttered with mail and books. And the TV’s set to a chill radio station. Your laptop and textbooks are still spread out on the living room ottoman.

“I was just doing homework before you came.”

You hand Rengoku a plate with a vanilla cupcake and set a glass of tea down on the stand before settling on the floor where you had left your belongings. You bite into the (favorite flavor) cupcake you chose, moaning at the sweet taste.

Rengoku looks between his cupcake and you then decides to settle next to you on the floor. The space between the couch and ottoman is narrow, and he’s so tall his knees bend and his broad shoulders brush against yours. He lets out a hiss as his shin collides with the wooden structure.

“You could’ve sat on the couch,” you chuckle, patting his knee. You sign back into your laptop, the device opening up the Canvas discussion post you had yet to complete.

“History?” Rengoku asks, head titling to try and see your assignment and not quite resting all the way on your shoulder.

“Yeah. I don’t really understand the question though.” And you were ready to make up random bullshit with the hopes it’d sound smart enough to warrant a passing grade.

Rengoku skimmed through the question, an intense look on his face. “Can I borrow a notebook?” He asks, gesturing towards your open Campus journal.

You nod. “Go ahead.”

Rengoku spends the forty five minutes jotting down notes on the paper, (since signing would be too complicated and having the notes to review later would be helpful), explaining in detail the question. He wrote down helpful information and even drew little diagrams that better depicted things in a visual level. By the end of his mini lesson, you had constructed arguably the most well written discussion post, you were sure your teacher would give you a decent grade.

He was honestly such a good teacher. Calm. Patient. Neat handwriting and easy to follow along. For once, you weren’t completely brain dead after doing your homework.

“Has anyone told you that you’d make a good teacher?” You write on a new page. You close your computer, then stretch, groaning slightly at how stiff you’ve gotten. Now your ass was sore from sitting on the ground for so long.

“I hope to get my teaching license after next year,” Rengoku writes underneath you.

Ah. That made sense. He was definitely good at it.

What do you want to teach?

History of course, but I’d be happy to teach anything.

What grade?

I don’t know. I like kids, so maybe middle school?

No. They’re little assholes.

(*^o^*)

What he writes next makes your chest constrict, you suck in air and fall silent.

It’s sometimes hard for deaf and hard of hearing students to go to school. We often need extra help and care, which is hard to get as there aren’t many schools with the resources and tools necessary. I want to be that resource so maybe, I can help a student enjoy school as much as I have.

Rengoku really was too kind. He had such admirable goals and remained positively optimistic. His heart was made of gold. And you…you didn’t know what you wanted to do. You were just skating by and trying your best in college but you didn’t have no definitive plans. You changed your major twice already, and only had lackluster grades. That thought alone was pretty scary and caused you a lot of anxiety.

“I really admire you, Kyojuro”

Rengoku read that sentence over and over.

He had never received that kind of praise before. Often just pitying looks and side comments that he didn’t need to hear in order to understand the implication. But, from you, he didn’t gather that at all. Yet, why did you have such a sad look on your face?

Rengoku leaned close to examine your expression. You flinched at his sudden proximity, but he simply brushed a few strands out of your face. You eyes were glossy, threatening to spill with tears.

His gaze softened.

His curved hand drags from one side of his chest to the other.

A simple sign.

A simple question.

One that threatened to break your composure.

“I’m okay.”

Rengoku didn’t move. Worry etched his features. You swear his eyes flicker from your eyes down to your lips. Your body involuntarily tenses, your breathing becoming constricted. Was that a blush dusting his cheeks?

“K-kyo…”

His lips touched yours, soft, gentle and sweet. They taste faintly of the cupcake he had earlier. A shiver ran through you as his finger traced your jaw. Your heart raced erratically, thunder in your ears.

That brief moment was all it took for Rengoku to become completely enamored. Your lips were everything he wanted and more. And for just a bit, was it selfish of him to indulge in you just a little longer?

Suddenly, you hear the front door click as the key turns. You quickly pull away, snapping out of your trance. As Mitsuri enters the apartment, you’re already standing, empty cups in hand, and walking to the kitchen.

“Oh hey Mitsuri,” you try to sound as casual as possible despite the erratic beating of your heart.

“Oh, did I interrupt something?” Mitsuri looks between you and Rengoku who remained rooted to his position in the ground, trying to still his own racing heartbeat.

He didn’t trust himself to turn around, knowing how hot his face felt, it was surely red as his hair. His fingers still tingled from your lingering touch. And he could still breathe in the remaining scent of your shampoo. It had his head spinning.

What was wrong with him?

Everything was fine just a second ago.

But he couldn’t get the look on your face out of his mind. How he just wanted to pull you into his arms and assure you that whatever was bothering you would be ok. To feel you against him. To replace that sad look with the smile he’d grown to love over the past month. And it that moment, he acted before thinking.

He wanted…

Rengoku quickly gathered his belongings. He didn’t know what you had talked about with Mitsuri, and didn’t bother to find out.

“Wait, Kyo, you’re leaving already?” You say, trying to mask your disappointment.

“I forgot! I haven’t finished my laundry!” It wasn’t a complete lie. And he didn’t want Shinazugawa throwing his stuff on the floor again.

“Oh…see you later then?”

With a smile, Rengoku pats your head. He nods to Mitsuri, before excusing himself out of your place. The door shuts with a soft close that seems to echo in your ears.

~*~

You don’t see Rengoku at all the next couple weeks and it drives you crazy.

Your group finished the project and got an A on it. Since the assignment was over, so was the group study sessions. Of course, you still see Iguro from time to time, especially with how much he hangs out with Mitsuri, but there is no sign of his roommate. And that, although you try not to show it, disappoints you.

You try so hard (with no avail) not to worry that you did something wrong but of course your brain tries to convince you otherwise. After all, he had been the one to initiate the kiss, so the attraction was there, right?

You missed his smile and his warm presence. You missed your sign language lessons and wanted to show him the new things you’ve learned on your own.

You missed him.

“Hello, earth to Y/n! Are you listening?” You snap out of your daze at Shinobu’s call. It was Friday night. Which meant, Mitsuri’s (mandatory) roommate movie night with junk food and mocktails.

“Huh?” You blink back to reality.

“Are you going to pull the popcorn out the microwave or do you hope to move it with your mind?” Her tone was both teasing and slightly sarcastic, trying to get a rise out of you. But you just robotically pull the bag out and set it on the table. Shinobu’s smile turns into a smirk as she looks to Mitsuri. “Ara. It seems like it’s worse than we thought.”

“Yep. Totally out of it,” the pink haired girl giggled. “Y/n’s completely immobilized by love-“

“Wait, what?” Now you heard that. “I’m not in love! What makes you say that?”

Your roommates wear matching mischievous looks.

“Now, don’t play dumb,” Shinobu teases. “You’ve been moping around like a heartbroken teenager with this look of longing written all across your face.”

“I-I do not!”

Mitsuri’s face softened ever so slightly, not quite looking at you with pity, but concern. “We’re just worried. Ever since Rengoku came over, you’ve been really down. Did something happen?”

“No,” you sigh, pouring the popcorn into the bowl. The buttery smell fills the kitchen. “There’s nothing going on so there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Sounds like denial to me~” Shibobu says.

“I don’t want to hear shit from the biggest tsundere here.”

Shinobu scoffs, taking a handful of popcorn. “I don’t kill the mood with my relationship drama. Now out with it. What’s going on with you and Rengoku?”

“Nothing,” you huff. You sit on the couch, hogging the bowl. Other snacks and drinks had already been set up in the living room including cookies and cupcakes from the bakery a certain someone worked part time at. “There’s nothing going on between us so leave it at that.”

“But you two seemed so close,” Mitsuri comments. You shrug and don’t elaborate further.

What was there to talk about? You hadn’t seen Rengoku one on one since the day he came over. End of story. It’s not like you two were together or anything so who were you to be privy to his whereabouts or personal life? He had better things to do than to deal with someone like you. Actual goals that you shouldn’t distract him from.

Now did he tell you all this? Well, no.

But you could gather that from how he avoided eye contact with you during the last few group study sessions and that he never read your last message, you figured he’d probably realized whatever chemistry you thought you guys had wasn’t there. And it was better to cut things off before either fell too hard.

It was for the better.

Right?

That’s why the ache in your chest hurts so bad.

Right.

“Oh, Y/n,” Mitsuri coos. She pulls you against her side, wrapping her arms around you in a tight hug. You hadn’t realized that stray tears managed to escape and trickle down your cheeks.

You furiously rub them away. “It’s fine. Let’s just start the movie.”

It was Mitsuri’s turn to select the movie for the night, so she decides to put on The Beauty and the Beast.

You mostly tune out the film, barely paying attention. Your thoughts consuming your focus.

Did Rengoku regret kissing you?

Is that why he had been avoiding you?

Why did you heart have to betray you?

Halfway through the film, Mitsuri fell asleep (despite it being one of her favorites), and Shinobu was not paying attention, scrolling through her phone.

Then, your own phone lit up with a text notification from LINE.

Rengoku: can you meet me outside?

Rengoku: we need to talk

~*~

If you had asked Rengoku Kyojuro several years ago, hell, even a couple months ago, If he thought he’d ever be in love, let alone all for someone, he’d have laughed it off. Tell you that he didn’t see it for himself. And he’d accepted that.

But something about you threw all reason out the door and all his thoughts were consumed with you. At first, being around you was good enough for him. He liked being around you, teaching you sign language and texting you about random things. Then, the more he got to know you, the more that being around you wasn’t enough.

He wanted you close. In whatever way he could. To hold your hand. To hug you. To lay your head on his shoulder while you both studied. Anything to embrace your proximity and cherish it as much as possible. And for the most part, he held himself back. Showed some restraint.

But for some reason, seeing you so vulnerable…it broke something in him and he kissed you without thinking.

Did he regret it? No. He wanted to do it again and again and would if he could.

But Rengoku didn’t know how to tell you that. He supposed he was a coward and let his own self doubts cloud his judgment and he panicked.

Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Rengoku paused the show he was watching, some random drama you had recommended, and looked up to see Iguro standing behind the couch.

“Have you seen my iPad charger? I can’t find it?” Iguro asks.

“The black one? I don’t think so? You ask Sanemi?”

Iguro sighed. “If Shinazugawa took it then I’m not getting it back.” Rengoku stiffed a laugh as his childhood friend took a seat next to him on the couch. “I’ve been trying to find a moment to talk to you and now seems like a good time, but what’s going on between you and Y/n?”

Rengoku’s chest constricts. “What are you talking about?”

Iguro rolled his eyes. “Don’t play dumb. I noticed the awkward tension between you two during the study sessions. And you always leave quickly. Like you’re avoiding Y/n.”

Rengoku frowns, looking down at his hands.

Why exactly was he avoiding you? He didn’t even have a good reason the more he thought about it and it wasn’t in his nature to turn tail and run from something, regardless of how challenging it was. But when it came to you…it was like his normal rationale went out the window.

“I…” The words fall short. Doubt swirls in the pit of his stomach and it makes him nauseous. “I really like Y/n.” Admitting it out loud was strange. “But…it’s a scary feeling.”

It scared him how fast he fell. How hard his feelings hit him. It was overwhelming and unnerving, and he feared he fucked it up by acting without thinking when he kissed you. The way you took up his thoughts was maddening. And he was scared that he wouldn’t be enough for you.

Iguro gave his friend a soft, somewhat understandable, look. “It can be scary. But I’m sure Y/n feels the same way. You don’t have to navigate it alone, so just be honest with them.”

Rengoku sighed. “But how do I do that?”

“I could think of a few ideas, but that wouldn’t be very sincere, would it?”

After thinking for a minute, Rengoku stands and quickly rushes toward the door, grabbing his coat and putting in the first pair of shoes he could find. “I’ll be back!”

Iguro laughs. It was about time.

Rengoku texts you as he runs to your building. He’s out of breath by the time he makes it outside. He didn’t even stop to think about whether or not you’d actually show up. What if you didn’t want to see him anymore? Then what would his plan be?

He doesn’t see that you exit the building, bundled up in your jacket. But once he does, it’s a rush of emotions that makes his knees weak.

You approach, bashful, after wrangling over your thoughts for several minutes before finally deciding to hear him out. Shinobu had merely waved you off with a smirk when you said you’d be right back.

“H-hi?” You squeak out, nervously hating the way your voice always seemed to crack.

“Hi,” Rengoku exhales. He takes in your appearance. Soft features. Solemn expression. Tentatively, he reaches out, pausing to see your reaction. When you don’t pull away, he gently traces your cheek. Your chest flutters at his touch. “I’m sorry.”

“Huh? Why?”

Rengoku frowns. He takes out his phone and pulled up the message he had typed while running over to your place in the notes.

I’m sorry…I didn’t meant to hurt your feelings but I was scared. I didn’t know how to tell you that. I thought you could do better than me and I didn’t want to lose you as a friend by overstepping boundaries. But i…

He didn’t finish writing out his thoughts before arriving. So he’d try his best to tell you to your face. It’d be more sincere that way.

“I…I really-“ damn, why were words so difficult. He feels himself growing flustered and anxious At the reddening of his face, you start to giggle. Rengoku feels himself relax, watching the way your shoulders shake with laughter and the way you smile takes up your face. What was he so scared for anyway? It was you. “I like you.”

You pause. Did you hear him correctly? Hesitantly, you sign, “can you say that again?”

Rengoku takes your hands into his. His palms warm and comforting. He brings your knuckles to his lips, pressing a chaste kiss on them. “I like you, Y/n.”

Your mouth falls open slightly, but the words escape you. So you settle for a smile. “I like you too, Kyojuro.”

He glances down then back to your eyes. “Can…”

Before he could finish the question, your close the gap between the two of you, your lips on his. Rengoku sighs into the kiss, wrapping his arms around your waist to draw you in closer. You had never heard him emit a sound like that before, but you didn’t mind it.

You part briefly. White flutters down around you both.

“Snow?” You question, holding your hand out to catch the falling flakes. “Isn’t it kinda early for it to snow?”

Rengoku held his hand out too. The snowflake melts on his palm, cold and fleeting. Did falling snow make a sound? He heard that rain makes noise. Looking over to you, he watches how you try to catch the falling flakes with your tongue. A smile makes its way on to his face, the constricting tightness of his chest now settling into a gentle flutter that for once, excited him.

It was a sign of how much control you had over him. And although that thought and feeling terrified him, as long as you were in his embrace, he was okay with taking on that fear.

Extra: 手話

JSL I've learned while researching. If anyone knows JSL and there are any mistakes, please correct me! アタシは日本語を話せますけど手話のリソース、本とかビデオとか、あまり見つけられなかった…ごめん

Resources: Blog & Source

[daijoubu] / [okay]: Place the fingertips of your curved right hand on the left chest, then on the right chest.　　　

[oishii] / [tasty, delicious]: Place the open right hand palm up under the left side of the jaw and move it to the right as if wiping somethhing off of your chin.

[suki desu] / [I like you]: The web of the right hand between the thumb and index finger is pointed toward chin with the thumb and index fingers over the jaw and the rest of the fingers curled. The hand drops down and the finger and thumb meet just a little ways below the chin.

Video: here

Kyojuro's Name: きょうじゅろう

Kyo: ki + small yo (きょ)

ki: With the right hand, palm facing away from you, touch the tips of the middle and ring fingers to the tip of the thumb.

yo: The palm of the right hand faces toward you with the fingers pointing to the left and the thumb slightly tucked in.

small yo: kyo is a contracted consonant known as youon. To sign this, pull the sign toward your body.

U (う)

Make a fist with the right hand, palm facing away from you, and extend the middle and index fingers upwards.

Jyu: ji + small yu (じゅ)

shi: Point to the left with the right index and middle fingers while the thumb is extended naturally.

ji: ji is diacritic letter(? idk if that's the correct word) known as dakuon. It is the two little dashes that turn shi (し) into ji (じ). While signing shi, move your hand to the right

yu: The palm of the right hand faces toward you with the index, middle and ring fingers pointing up and the tips of the thumb and pinky finger touching.

small yu: jyu is also a youon. So to sign this, sign yu and pull the hand toward the body

Ro (ろ)

Make a fist with the right hand, palm facing away from you, and curl the index and middle fingers slightly.

U: repeat sign for u

Hope you enjoyed (^-^) should I make a pt. 2?

Fin

[drdemonprince]

I have to admit I was a little fucked up by egg memes and trans discourse that implied that unaddressed dysphoria was the primary source of misery in a person's life and that transitioning would suddenly make a person feel at ease, confident, happy in their body, and untraumatized.

I wouldn't say it's the most common narrative at all but there are certainly some trans people who explicitly propagate such myths especially if they conceive of themselves as a benevolent yet highly involved "egg cracker," too. There's a whiff of projection about the whole thing that's quite gross. People regret the time they spent in the closet and try to spare others the pain by pressuring them to come out before they are ready or making the experience of transitioning seem more straightforwardly positive than it ever could be. like, transitioning comes with a great degree of exposure to stigma and prejudice and if you already feel uncomfortable with yourself that's not exactly going to make your social anxiety any better.

it's really nobody's fault that i wanted such a tidy solution to these things, i've always been the type to love a false epiphany and to want to tear my skin off and burst forth, feeling free of myself and that is impossible. i made my decisions and it was good to learn from them -- i had to overcome a significant amount of my repression and escapist fantasizing *by* pursuing the kind of life that I dreamed about and realizing it was also gonna be flawed. i've done that with things that aren't transness, like my fantasy of living a 24/7 D/s hypno dynamic. i had to actually try to live that fantasy in reality a couple of times before i could be disillusioned enough with it and get over it and stop running away from reality anymore. getting disillusioned with what you think will make you happy and accepting ordinary unhappiness is a common project of life.

but still, you know, i wish fewer trans people felt the need to cover their revelations with treacly simplistic messages about how everything is better now and if you question your gender at all that means youre trans for sure and not transitioning is the one thing preventing you from leading a fulfilling life and all that. it makes sense as a reaction to mounting systemic transphobia but i always find myself wishing, in all things, that people could be more detailed and openly ambivalent about things instead of feeling they had to make straightforward simplistic love-is-love type emotional appeals. gay people are allowed to have bad marriages and divorces. trans people are allowed to still be unhappy complicated people after we transition. thats like the human condition

[frvnkcastles]

I have an imagine, Instead of damsel reader what if reader is highly skilled in combat and just never told Frank and one day when Frank is in a unfortunate position thinking reader is about to get jumped by like 11 dudes she effortlessly takes them out leaving our boy super confused 😭

HALF-DOOMED & SEMI-SWEET �� F. CASTLE

Summary: Frank is highly protective of you, not knowing that you know how to fight until you’re cornered by his enemies after a night out.

Warnings: Violence, language

Word count: 1.6k

Author’s note: This was a lot of fun!! Sorry it took me a while to get to it, anon <3 Hope you enjoy :)

You had never felt as safe as you did with Frank. You hadn’t been together for very long, but he had made it clear from the get-go that he took great pride in protecting his loved ones — a list that had gotten significantly shorter, sadly. However, he had quickly fallen for you, a one night stand turned into something more, and as much as it scared him to get attached and get close to someone new, he found himself impossibly drawn to you. He showed his affection for you by keeping you shielded from the cruel world outside, or at least by preparing you for it. He would walk you to work and back home, teach you how to use a gun, and insist on doing your shopping for you.

It was sweet and you knew it was his way of loving you, so you didn’t have the heart to tell him you were actually more than capable of looking after yourself. You had trained in numerous ways for multiple years, and you had also been in your fair share of situations of overly handsy men or someone trying to rob you on the street — it was just the way your city was, and you had gotten a headstart on being equipped to handle it.

You knew that if someone were to start a fight with you, you’d easily come out on top, but you quite enjoyed Frank looking after you. It wasn’t too condescending or belittling, he had the perfect approach to respecting you but also really, really needing you to be okay. You understood where it came from, the innate desire to do everything he could just to help you, so you didn’t make a fuss about it.

But sooner or later, you would have to tell him. If not by choice, then someone would force your hand.

After a particularly sweet date night, the time came for him to find out just how skilled you were. Frank had taken you to a restaurant you considered to be a little above your budget, but he insisted on spoiling you and made sure you ate to your heart’s content and had plenty of wine throughout the night. He was an absolute gentleman, no longer fueled only by anger but also his feelings for you. He had found a reason to get up in the morning, a purpose in making you feel loved and appreciated, and he was enjoying it way more than he had anticipated. He had so much love to give, and even if he thought himself to be a little rusty, you had never felt so cherished.

You were walking down the street towards your apartment, Frank’s arm slung over your shoulders and his raspy voice in your ear as he wondered if you had had a good time. It made you blush, the gravelly words sending a shiver down your spine, the two of you wrapped up in your own little space. But you were torn out of that bubble and thrown into cold reality as three men stepped out from an alleyway, cutting you off, and you both stopped walking to assess the situation.

One of the men had a crowbar in his hands, ominously swinging it back and forth, and Frank instantly threw his arm in front of you while stepping forward, keeping you behind him. It was a futile effort, though, because a sneering laugh emerged from behind you, and you flinched at the menacing sound. Both you and Frank turned around only to find three more men, and you swallowed thickly, feeling the anxiety rise in your throat. You could hold your own, but you didn’t exactly like picking fights with armed men.

”We heard the Punisher had found himself a pretty little girlfriend. Didn’t think it would actually be true”, one of the men chuckled, and with his eyes dark and threatening, Frank glared at him.

”Your problem’s with me. Got nothin’ to do with her”, he spoke through gritted teeth, his fists by his sides, ready to punch. He hated the idea of you getting caught in the middle, or even just witnessing him at his worst. You knew what he could and would do, but he preferred maintaining that gentle, romantic picture he had painted for you. Anyone who tried to shatter that for you was going to regret it.

”How could we walk away from such a sweet thing?” another man taunted, stepping closer to you to trace a touch down your arm, causing you to withdraw with a grimace.

”Hey! You touch her again, you will lose that hand, you understand?” Frank roared, fury seeping into his voice as he tried to keep the men at bay. He knew the situation could go south very quickly, and the uncertainty of how to protect you from half the men while fighting the other half made him agitated to a point where he wouldn’t hesitate to punch his way through.

”Fine. We’ll just hurt you, instead”, the man with the crowbar declared before lunging at Frank, swaying the weapon in the air to get a hit in. Frank grabbed the crowbar right before it was about to slam him in the face, and as he yanked it away from the man, his friends jumped into action, as well.

You didn’t want them to hurt Frank, and you refused to just watch. So, you made your own move — you kicked the man nearest to you in the stomach, bringing him down to his knees, and you finished him off with a harsh punch in the face. As he collapsed on the ground, the other two men on your side came at you, and you dodged their fists as best as you could. One of them grabbed you, wringing your arms behind your back, but as the second one approached you, you kicked him between the legs before throwing your head back into the first man’s nose.

The crack of his face got him to let go of you, and you punched him repeatedly until he stayed down, leaving you with one more to deal with. When you turned around, he was already running towards you, and you quickly reacted by ducking and slamming your entire arm against his chest. He struggled but didn’t fall down, so you made another attempt, this time choosing to catch him from behind and wrap your arms around his neck. He fought for air, but you squeezed until he was defeated, not enough to kill him but just so he would leave you be. When you let go, he slumped down to the ground, and you could finally catch your own breath and wipe the sweat from your forehead.

Looking back to Frank, you saw him smack the final man standing across the face with the bloody crowbar. With that one last swing, all of the six men were left lying on the ground — but Frank didn’t know that. Panicked, he turned around and raised the crowbar, blood splattered on his angry face as he prepared to fight the rest off of you, only to find you standing there, looking so innocent and pure even though three bodies lay at your feet.

”Shit”, Frank breathed out, lowering the crowbar as a mixture of confusion and amazement contorted his face. He looked puzzled, and you suddenly felt shy under his scrutinizing stare. This wasn’t exactly how you had wanted to tell him you could fend for yourself, and you couldn’t read his face very well, making you wonder what he was thinking.

”You did that?” he finally asked, still breathing heavily, glancing at the groaning men on the ground. ”I—wow. You been practicin’ without me?” he continued, not really sure where all this had come from.

Shaking your head, you stepped over to him and smiled sheepishly. ”No, I… I’ve known how to fight all along. I’ve trained for years”, you revealed, and with his eyes widening in surprise, Frank broke into a smile of his own, partly in disbelief but it was mostly impressed.

”That’s incredible, sweetheart. Fuck, I’m—I’m speechless. Why didn’t you say somethin’? I’ve been hoverin’ over ya like an asshole”, he chuckled, feeling a little embarrassed that he hadn’t given you the space to shine until now. He cast a look at his feet, worry flooding his heart as he contemplated if he was suffocating you, but you were quick to tell him otherwise.

”Because I like it when you look after me. It makes me feel special, I guess. And I think you like it, too. I didn’t want to take that away from you”, you explained with a shrug, and reluctantly, Frank gave you a nod.

”Yeah. Yeah, guess I do”, he admitted, not really able to put it into words but protecting you was an instinct to him, just natural and the most obvious thing in the world. ”I do feel a lil’ better knowin’ I don’t gotta worry about you all the time, though”, he added, and smiling, you took his hand in your own and squeezed it.

”No, you don’t. I’m gonna be okay and I’m not going anywhere. Promise”, you reassured him, knowing he needed to hear it sometimes. He had lost so much and you simply refused to cause him more grief.

Holding your hand tightly, Frank dropped the crowbar and stepped over the men to lead you back home. The two of you had certainly taught them a lesson not to mess with the Punisher or his girlfriend, and he couldn’t help but feel immensely proud.

”Y’know what else?” Frank asked, and lifting an eyebrow, you gave him a look, one that he responded to with a grin. ”That was pretty goddamn hot, sweetheart.”

[munsoninthedark86]

She Bop(Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader)

warnings: mutual masturbation, some dirty talk, slight Sub!Eddie, unprotected sex, mentions of smoking, creampie.

word count: 1.06k

pairings: Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

“Just like that baby, keep touching yourself.” Eddie says, biting his lip.

He never would have thought you’d be on his bed, touching yourself while wearing his Hellfire shirt. He just wished he could take a video of you like this. Your fingers keep dipping down to your wet hole, teasing yourself and moaning his name.

“I’m so fucking hard, baby. You’re too good for me,”  His breath is warm on your face. Your eyes snap open and you smirk when you watch him admiring you.

“What did I say about talking about yourself like that?” You ask him, and he shyly looks away.

You pull your fingers from your slick, and you bring them to his lips. You only utter a single word. “Suck,”

Eddie knows better than to disobey you. You’re everything he’s dreamed of and more. Your voice is like the sweetest song he’s ever heard in his life. But those damn moans, fuck, it makes his cock ache more than anything. You’re better than anything he’s ever seen in a magazine or on some VHS he and his friends found.

His lips wrap around your wet fingers and he eagerly sucks on them. His cock throbs in his boxers when he tastes those sweet juices of yours. He could drink you up all the time and never get tired of it. He moans loudly, still sucking until he can’t taste you anymore.

“Such a good boy,” You praise him. Your fingers run through his hair before you tug him closer to kiss him.

You’ve always craved kissing him and tasting yourself on those pretty lips of his. When you pull away, you notice how he’s squirming on the bed a little bit more. You love to tease him, and this is no exception.

“Show me how you like to get yourself off, baby.” You command, and Eddie swallows hard.

His hands fumble with the waistband of his boxers. His face heats up when he realizes just what you’re asking him to do. Your hands return to your wet pussy, and you circle your clit with the pad of your fingertip.

“Please, Eddie.” fuckjesuschrist, how is he supposed to fucking last when you are begging him like this already. “Please, I want you to touch yourself just for me.”

Eddie swears that you must actually be the devil sometimes. He finds it actually impossible to say no to you sometimes. But when those sweet demands come from those gorgeous lips of yours, who could actually say no? You’re beauty personified. Everything about you is breathtaking. Eddie grunts when he pulls his cock out; the tip is already red and leaking.

“That’s it, baby. Jerk off for me.” A shudder goes through his body, and Eddie starts fucking his fist.

You moan when you feel his hand replacing yours on your pussy. His fingers brush against your clit gently at first, but soon he’s pumping two of his fingers into you.

“I’m the luckiest fucker to ever live.” He mutters to himself, but you heard him. You giggle at how cheesy he can be, but it really arouses you to know he thinks so highly of you.

You’re so tight and warm deep inside of you, and it makes Eddie bucks his hips a little faster. The moans that fall from his lips are so intoxicating to you. You aren’t sure how you’re supposed to last with him fingering you so good and letting out those sexy sounds. Your head rolls back against the pillows and you arch your back.

“Oh fuck baby!” Eddie cries out. “Fuck baby, I need to fuck you.”

You nod frantically, giving him the consent he so desperately needs. A soft “yes please” is barely audible from you, but Eddie knows that you want this too. He climbs on top of you and spreads your thighs. Already his heart is racing.

“Gotta be deep inside you.” Eddie grunts, and he slips into you with ease. Another grunt rumbles through him. He’s never going to be able to last.

Your eyes roll back as Eddie begins a quick, brutal pace. He lets slip a string of curses, mumbling about how good your pussy feels. You can barely think of the words to say to tell him you love how good he fucks you. Those sweet moans are what fall from your lips instead, and Eddie feels himself throbbing within you.

“Cum on my cock,” Eddie pleads. “Please please, baby. I need to feel you.”

His thumb comes down to circle your swollen clit, and he smirks when he sees you arching off the bed. It’s the hottest thing he’s ever seen, and he doesn’t want to ever miss a moment of you like this ever again. He wants to be able to watch you come undone just for him forever.

Your brain short-circuits when you finally fall off the edge. Your silky walls clamp down on Eddie’s throbbing cock, rendering him into a moaning and whining mess. It’s like electricity coursing through you, jolting you to cling to him even harder and pulling yourself even closer. He grunts when his balls tighten, and he’s spilling his seed deep inside of you. The two of you continue grinding against one another desperately, the filthiest words falling from his lips. Eventually, they turn into whimpering alone until he slumps against you.

It takes you both a couple of minutes to regain your breath. Eddie pulls out of you slowly, and he watches as his cum leaks from your puffy folds. He licks his lips, unable to look away for the moment. Then he snaps back into reality and picks up one of his discarded shirts on the ground to clean up the mess of your pussy. He tosses the soiled shirt on the ground once more, earning a scoff from you.

“Very hygienic, Munson.” You chastise him, but there’s a smile on your face.

Eddie sits back on his bed, his back resting against the headboard. He picks up his pack of cigarettes off the bedside table and he lights it up. You crawl up to him, sitting next to him and resting your head on his shoulder. He passes the smoke to you, which you so gladly take from him.

“I don’t think you mind,” Eddie says. “You’ve always liked dirty things.”

And he wasn’t wrong.

[lets-try-some-writing]

How would the first meeting between the Autobots and the humans have gone? With their more alien and most likely more imposing forms (due to their Cybertronian vehicle modes) I assume the government agents / military personnel sent to investigate were rightfully afraid. (Personally I think seeing 15-30 foot robots with optics that pierce through the presumably kicked up dust would be a little scary) Perhaps they would’ve spoken in a mix of Cybertronian and English? Would they have simply stared and watched, like in your Grim Dark Archives AU? I dunno it’s just something I thought would be interesting, but I already sent you a few requests, so feel free to delete this one. (To clarify this is a request for a longer writing post)

I have thought about this probably more than I should have. Writing The Grim Dark Archives gave me ideas for this ask, hence my IMPOSSIBLY slow response. Annnnnnyway, here you go!

━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙ ━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙

The Autobots had plenty of time to prepare for their inevitable interactions with humanity during their journey. At the time the team consisted of Ratchet, Optimus, Bulkhead, and Bumblebee. As such, they were too few in number to go for any real intimidation tactic, not that they would have gone that route anyway. There was no choice but for them to learn to communicate.

But of course, due to the HIGHLY varying methods of human communication across Earth, it was decided that each of the team would specialize in different methods of communication to ensure that at least someone could talk. Ratchet went the technological way and learned how to communicate in human morse code, the various computer coding languages, and digital texting. He hated every single moment of having to figure it all out, but at least he wasn't Bulkhead. Poor Bulkhead was tasked with learning the more physical methods of communication just in case things went south. He spent hours upon hours watching traditional dances and physical activities from around the world meant to express certain intentions. Let it be said that he is not a good dancer.

Bumblebee of course went down the route of non verbal communication for obvious reasons. He learned all the various sign languages available, practiced miming, learned various whistles, and familiarized himself with music in order to create ambiance as needed. Some species worked differently after all. Optimus for his part actually learned the spoken languages of Earth. Being a former archivist made the process far easier than it otherwise would have been, but he still spent a ridiculous amount of time practicing to get it right. With all of this having been done, when the team finally arrived on Earth, they felt they were ready.

They were incredibly wrong in their assumption.

They spent a handful of weeks undercover, but a few too many security cameras ended up getting them caught. Soon enough they were confronted with quite a few armed vehicles surrounding them and what had to be around a hundred soldiers with weapons raised. The team had learned what surrender looked like and so raised their servos up to show they passivity. That action seemed to give the gathered soldiers pause, and not too long later, a speaker was sent before them.

"I am Agent Fowler from the Department of Defense. What are you and what are you doing here?"

"We are Autobots. We come from the stars."

"You are aliens?"

"Affirmative. We arrived in a spaceship."

"A spaceship?"

"Affirmative. We came to find our bullies."

"Your... *wheeze* bullies?"

"Is that the incorrect term? We seek our... brothers?"

"Right, you came here to find someone. What do you plan on doing here while you hunt them down? Are you planning on blowing anything up?"

"Negative. Combustion of native structures and lifeforms is not on our wishlist."

"Wishlist?"

"Affirmative? Is that not how the term is used? I apologize."

"No no its fine. Let's talk this out."

Optimus did his very best to get the point across, but due to the many similar words in the English language, his ability to use words in context was rather limited. It also did not help that he spoke as though every single word was coming from a script, which unknown to Agent Fowler, he absolutely was reading from his translation program. He was disturbing and hilarious to speak to and Agent Fowler had to step aside and laugh more than once before going back over to the bots to continue talking in a secure facility. But this was noticed rather quickly, and so eventually the team swapped tactics. Optimus stood quietly and stared to try and figure out how to adjust his speech patterns while the rest of the team worked in tandem to communicate differently.

Fowler was not pleased when he had to fetch a technician to try and translate what Ratchet was typing up, which largely amounted to very very complex code going into the extreme details of their situation. Ratchet almost flipped a table when the technician gave up two lines of code in. The medic was not at all happy to have to think about learning the native language. At least with code he could fudge it a bit. But if the squishies couldn't even read the most "basic" of code strings, he was doomed. Bulkhead didn't fare much better in his attempts to dance in various American styles to show how the Autobots were trying to be friendly. His moonwalk was the only thing he was able to do right and all it did was leave the entire collection of human personnel laughing themselves half to death. Humiliated, Bulkhead made way for Bumblebee who managed to convey more vital information through sign language. He got across about as much as Optimus did, but finally there was some sort of answer for the humans present.

Then of course, there was the mess that way asking for names.

"The military will decide what we are going to do with you, but for now you all can stay here. Do you have any names to do with your files?"

"Affirmative. Our names are not pronounceable in your language, but they can be translated."

"Well lay it on me."

"This is Bumbling Bee. Or perhaps Honey Bee? Striped insect? I am afraid I do not have a proper translation."

"Bumblebee it is. What's next? Cargo lift?"

"Negative. This is Dividing Wall."

"Dividing... wall."

"I believe that is the most direct translation. A close synonym would be Bulkhead."

"Right... who is the red one then?"

"My companion is named after a tool on our homeworld. I do not believe you have the exact same tool here. The closest object I could find was the tool you call a ratchet."

"So his name is Ratchet?"

"It is close enough. Is "he" the correct referral for us on your world?"

"You look more masculine, so unless you want to be a she-"

"No, your masculine referral is sufficient."

"What is your name then big guy?"

"I am... Best First? I believe that is the most direct translation of my designation."

"Best First? You must have quite the ego."

"I did not choose my designation, it was given upon my rise to my station. However as my designation seems to be offensive, I will attempt an another translation."

"Wait-"

"Optimus Prime is sufficient. That is the designation by which I believe I can be referred to."

"Alright then. This is going to be a headache."

The Autobots were kept in a facility until the military questioned them more and understood their intentions. But there were more than a few miscommunications and both Ratchet and Bulkhead lamented the many hours spent learning what they now knew to be a useless form of communication.

[dalishious]

My Five Biggest Fears for Dragon Age: Dreadwolf

Dragon Age: Dreadwolf is highly anticipated by BioWare fans. At one point, I would consider myself to be excited for it too, however, unfortunately the long wait with zero information about the game has only wrecked my personal anticipation. Will my hype return once we actually start to get some regular news about the game? Most likely. But until that time comes, all I find myself doing is just… worrying.

These are the five biggest things I worry about.

5. Big, beautiful maps of nothing

In both Dragon Age: Inquisition and Mass Effect: Andromeda, most of the open world maps are very… empty. Instead of creating an adventurous feeling of excitement to explore, it just makes travelling those maps a tedious task. Games like The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim or the new Baldur’s Gate 3 have open maps too, but those developers actually made use of their space with level designs. Skyrim is full of caves, ruins, etc. content to stumble upon. So is BG3, as well as introducing new dynamics to a fight depending on which direction you approach the encounter from. These games prove an understanding of how to best equip an open world concept that BioWare has only executed in a few maps across both their most recent RPGs. I do not want to see Dragon Age: Dreadwolf be yet another case of luscious forests where developers spent far too much time making look visually beautiful, and not enough time actually filling with game content.

4. Shoddy attempts at retcon

For those of you who don’t know what “retcon” means, it is short for “retroactive continuity”, and refers to the phenomenon of fiction introducing new information that is inconsistent with past information. The purpose is to revise old material. Dragon Age: Inquisition had more than one attempts at retcon that were terribly executed. For example, the player is told not once, not twice, but three different times—as if repeating it enough will erase all the extensive lore up to that point saying otherwise—that the Dalish get rid of their mages if they have “too many”. This is despite the previous games and extended materials showing that the Dalish practically revere their mages.

Now, not all retcons are bad. For example, in Marvel Comics, the superhero Karma’s real name was recently retconned to be Xuân Cao Mạnh, a real Vietnamese name, after spending years and years with the made-up Vietnamese name, Xi'an Coy Man. This is an example of how retons can be used for a good purpose, like fixing a long-lasting mistake. But what exactly is the mistake in saying the Dalish are good people who don’t hate mages like most of Thedas? That was just a cheap, transparent excuse to villainize both elves and mages further.

Cheap, transparent excuses like that make me lose faith in BioWare’s writing. It concerns me with what other lore they view as needing “correcting” in order to reinforce their idea of Grey Morality™ where it doesn’t belong.

3. Imposter characters

One of the biggest grievances I had with Dragon Age: Inquisition, was how the Hawke written in that game was in no way the same Hawke I played in Dragon Age II. I understand that it would be impossible to capture the exact customized character, but the Hawke in DA:I was placed into the game with an anti-blood magic agenda, and wouldn’t shut up about it. This is hilarious, considering how many players chose to make their Hawke a blood mage personally!

With this in mind, I am terrified that my Inquisitor, who will very likely make an appearance in Dragon Age: Dreadwolf, will be used for whatever new agenda needs to be pushed. I better not hear a single anti-Dalish comment from my Lavellan, is all I’m saying.

2. Whitewashing ahoy

For all the talk about #diversity values, BioWare has a very extensive criminal record when it comes to whitewashing their own characters. Almost every single one of their most prominent visibly non-white characters have had their skin lightened or completely washed out, as well as ethnic features erased, at some point or another. This is why I cannot share any excitement or desire for existing characters to make a return; the fear that we’ll have to see Zevran next looking like Chris Hemsworth next haunts me too much.

But this particular fear runs even deeper than individual characters. Why? Because we know that Dragon Age: Dreadwolf will be taking place in northern Thedas, which up to this point has been consistently depicted as having largely non-white demographics. I’m not saying there are no white people in Tevinter, Antiva, etc., but I am saying that if I see the same mix of 80% pale tones and 20% “everyone else” we’ve gotten from the last three games, I will absolutely flip shit. White characters should be in the minority for a change. Otherwise, what is the point of shifting focus away from the dominantly white countries in the first place?

1. This will end of the Dragon Age franchise

Is this the most likely to happen of all fears? No; it is probably the least. But after the pathetic failure that was Anthem and the lacklustre response to Mass Effect: Andromeda, I would not be surprised if BioWare is on thin ice in EA’s eyes. (Which is ironic, considering the demands made by EA to chase after multiplayer fads and micro-transactions are what got BioWare into such a mess in the first place.) Electronic Arts is a garbage company run by garbage people. That much has been proven time and again. The executives behind BioWare itself aren’t clean, either. Unfortunately it will be average employee that suffers the most punishment and blame if the game does not meet the likely very high standards set out for it. In some ways, they are almost set up to fail.

It’s not fair, and there’s not we can really do about it, because the gaming industry is run by selfish idiots. It’s because of this that if events come to pass that the Dragon Age franchise was put “on hold indefinitely” so BioWare can work on clunking out an Anthem sequel, I would be very upset, but not very surprised.

-----

Times are really tough for me, and all my patron supporters are greatly appreciated! If you like my work, please consider becoming one yourself, and I'll be forever grateful!

[sagistrology]

moon observations (pisces moon)

♓︎ generally, many water moons tend to be more connected to the night than the day. they often find both comfort and solitude in the nighttime hours, leaving space for introspection, dreaming, and allowing the subconscious to surface. all water moons share a deep connection to water, often in an extreme way - either needing it as we need oxygen to breathe or being terrified of it, yet irresistibly drawn to it.

♓︎ being loved by a water moon is likely an experience you won’t have twice. their love is the kind you read about and fantasize over. the point is that with them, these deeply rooted desires are brought to the surface and fully experienced.

♓︎ pisces moon: dreamy by nature, with deep eyes often filled with an inexplicable sentimentality that’s hard to grasp or put into words. deeply attuned to art, they find outlets for their emotions through poetry, journaling, or recording their thoughts - this is true of all water moons. pisces moons find comfort in writing, singing, painting - any form of art you can think of.

♓︎ being loved by a pisces moon feels like being confronted with yourself, mirrored - reflecting back the fractured parts of you, your deepest pain, subconscious fears, and desires, all rising to the surface. pisces connects to the 12th house, the last in the zodiac, symbolizing endings, a turning inward, and the attainment of a new state of being.

♓︎ i envision pisces moons as the facets of a prism, refracting light in different directions, each unique and impossible to duplicate. think of neptune and jupiter - illusion and expansion.

♓︎ they often fall victim to being seen as a ‘concept’ rather than an actual person, a tendency that extends to all water moons, even to venus, as they embody ‘dreamy’ characteristics - being immensely projected upon.

♓︎ pisces moons are naturally intuitive, living in the unseen spaces between reality and dreams. their emotional landscape runs deep, often unspoken yet felt. they're highly sensitive to the energies around them, easily absorbing the emotions of others, which can lead to moments of overwhelm or confusion. boundaries, both internal and external, often become blurred for them, making it essential to seek solace in solitude or creative outlets.

♓︎ this moon is closely linked to empathy, sometimes to a fault - where they give and feel without limitation, making them natural healers and listeners, but also leaving them prone to emotional exhaustion.

♓︎ at the heart of all water moons, including pisces, is the moon’s intrinsic connection to water. the moon governs our emotional world, just as water reflects and amplifies the shifts within. water signs, by nature, are deeply attuned to cycles, much like the moon’s phases - forever ebbing and flowing, waxing and waning.

♓︎ this dynamic is central to water moons’ emotional lives. they navigate through feelings with fluidity, often drawn into the currents of the past, memory, and intuition. their lives are often centered around emotional depth, nurturing, and an innate need to connect with others deeply.

♓︎ pisces moons, specifically, embody the themes of surrender and transcendence. they often feel called to something greater, yearning for experiences that dissolve the boundaries of self and time. this can manifest in spiritual pursuits, dreams, or deep emotional connections that make them feel part of something larger than the mundane.

♓︎ escapism is a potential shadow side - whether through dissociation, art, or avoidance, as they seek refuge from a world that can feel too harsh or limiting. at their best, pisces moons teach others the value of compassion, acceptance, and the beauty of letting go.

<3, l

[diorkyeom]

「✦」 oh, how i adore you

joshua x dokyeom, non-idols, fluff, angst, humour, mutual pining, friends to lovers, inspired by the song 'jump then fall' by taylor swift

total word count: 22.2k+

warnings: adults drinking alcohol near the beginning, seokmin is scared of heights? but hes good at dealing w it, overuse of "shua hyung"s bc seokmin is a Simp, kissing

summary: "and joshua... well, joshua had realised something. seokmin's laugh was, without a doubt, one of the best sounds that he had ever heard." - in which joshua never really realised that he'd fall for seokmin, but always has and always will do anything for him. and perhaps that should have been his first sign that he'd well and truly fallen for seokmin a long, long time ago.

notes: it's here!! vv heavily inspired by that one lyric in ms. swift's song that goes "without a warning/i realise your laugh is the best sound i have ever heard" bc it's just sooo seoksoo coded. pls b kind to the fic bc it actually took me forever to write lmaoo and enjoy ^^

The day Joshua fell in love with Seokmin started out like any other.

Well, no. That was a lie. But with friends like Joshua’s, it was impossible for any day to be classed as ‘ordinary’. 

On the day he fell in love with Seokmin, he woke up to someone poking him in the shoulder.

Which was weird, because Joshua lived by himself, and his first thought was that it was some intruder coming to murder him as he slept. He couldn’t find it within him to be scared about that, though, still in a mostly-asleep state as the bony finger continued to poke him incessantly right in the shoulder bone.

He was too tired to be dealing with this. Trying to bury his face into his pillow, Joshua reasoned that if someone was trying to murder him, then it was highly unlikely that they’d want to wake him up first, right? 

Either that, or they were an incredibly polite murderer.

“Shua hyung,” the polite murderer whined, and Joshua groaned as the familiar voice finally registered in his ears.

With a heavy sigh, because he now knew exactly who this intruder was, he let himself be manhandled up into a more upright position, propped against his headboard. His eyes were still shut, refusing to accept this disturbance to his sleep.

“Shua hyung,” the person said again, and Joshua could hear the bright amusement in his tone. “Shua hyung, it’s gone 10 in the morning. You promised me cookies.”

Defeated, Joshua blinked slowly as his shoulders were shaken back and forth, making his head loll drowsily like a doll. He squinted blearily.

“Good morning to you too, Seokmin.”

Seokmin beamed again, wide and happy as if he hadn’t just forcibly woken his hyung up and was now shaking him around like a baby rattle. He was practically sitting in Joshua’s lap, having clambered over him in order to shake his shoulders, and Joshua really was beginning to feel like nothing more than a toy doll at this point. 

“Good morning, hyung!” Seokmin chirped, and sat back on Joshua’s knees, making the elder let out a small ‘oof’ at the sudden weight. “Now hurry up, you said you’d bake me cookies.”

Joshua sighed yet again. He really needed new friends.

───────────── ‘✦,

Joshua had met Lee Seokmin for the first time during his third year of university. It had been an odd encounter, but it had been an encounter brought on by one Yoon Jeonghan and so, when Joshua thought about it, by that man’s standards it hadn’t really been all that odd in the slightest.

“Joshuji,” Jeonghan had declared one afternoon, opening the door and flouncing through the small dorm into their kitchen, dragging a tall boy by his oversized hoodie sleeve behind him. “Meet the first-year that I’ve collected this year.”

Joshua, who had been peacefully sipping his fifth coffee of the day, didn’t even bat an eye at Jeonghan’s declaration. “Another one?”

Even in the present, Joshua could very truthfully admit that Jeonghan had been the sole reason he’d decided to carry on going to uni in Korea and not turn on his heel and return to the States three months after the first day. 

It was because Jeonghan had had this… thing, where he liked ‘collecting’ first-years in their literature department who he wanted to take under his wing. During their first year at uni, he’d latched onto Joshua, who’d been a confused Korean-American student that Jeonghan had, for some reason, taken an immense liking to. Their second year, it had been Lee Jihoon, prickly and snappish but who had a hyper boyfriend who Jihoon stared at with hearts in his eyes.

It was a weird, almost mother hen-like act from Jeonghan, but it was a sweet habit, and Joshua had long since given up questioning anything that he did. 

And so, a little absently, Joshua had turned to look over at Jeonghan’s newest adoptee, a polite smile on his face, before promptly freezing.

“Meet Lee Seokmin,” Jeonghan had said, proudly, like a mother introducing her favourite son. “Isn’t he just the cutest?”

Joshua blinked rapidly, because goodness, Lee Seokmin really was cute.

He was biting his lips nervously, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie before Joshua finally made eye contact with him, and his eyes rounded as if surprised that Joshua had looked his way.

And then Seokmin waved, before ducking his head, as if attempting to (unsuccessfully) hide behind Jeonghan’s much shorter form. The action was so startingly cute that Joshua couldn’t help the genuine smile that tugged at his lips, giving a small wave back even if Seokmin looked too busy avoiding his gaze to see it.

“Hello,” Joshua said, and awfully, his voice managed to crack on that single word. Jeonghan stifled a snort. In an attempt to cover the awkwardness, Joshua apparently decided it was best to do something even more awkward, and stuck his hand out in Seokmin’s direction. “I’m Joshua Hong. Or, Hong Jisoo. You can call me whatever’s easiest.”

Seokmin had stared down at his hand for several seconds, confused, and Joshua wanted nothing more than to turn back time and restart this entire interaction because really, how much more embarrassing could this get?

Before he could retract his hand, trying to forget the handshake and hopefully forget the new layer of awkwardness, Seokmin leaned over and grasped Joshua’s hand, strands of hair falling into his eyes as he looked up at Joshua, eyes startlingly warm and earnest.

His hair was awfully fluffy, Joshua realised suddenly. And he had big eyes.

He looked like a large, adorable puppy, if adorable puppies were tall uni students who drowned themselves in oversized hoodies.

Seokmin’s cheeks were rather flushed as he shook Joshua’s hand, eyes wide. He had a brief thought that maybe Jeonghan had chased him around their apartment block until he finally reached their floor.

Jeonghan did that sometimes.

And then Seokmin smiled, so brightly that it was like a blinding beam of sunlight, his earlier perceived shyness completely forgotten as he released Joshua’s hand and instead lunged forward to engulf the elder in a hug.

“Hello!” Seokmin chirped, arms still wrapped around Joshua’s shoulders, and when he pulled away, he was still smiling so widely that Joshua felt a little dazed. “It’s nice to meet you, Jeonghan hyung’s told me a lot about you. I like your eyes! Can I call you Shua hyung?”

Joshua blinked rapidly, surprised by the sudden and random bout of chatter coming from the boy, but Seokmin’s eyes were lit up with that white gold light and he was so cute that Joshua couldn’t be anything but endeared.

“Sure,” he said amusedly, and marvelled internally at how Seokmin’s eyes crinkled and he seemed to vibrate happily on the spot. “You can call me Shua hyung.”

Seokmin let out a small laugh, delighted. “Shua hyung!” he cried, and then launched himself into Joshua’s arms again, pulling him in for another hug as the elder stumbled back, arms wrapped securely around Seokmin for balance.

Jeonghan had met Joshua’s eyes over Seokmin’s shoulders, face set in a curiously indecipherable expression. When Joshua furrowed his brows, he just grinned, nodding proudly. “Seems like I chose my first-year very well.”

And, well, Joshua couldn’t say anything at that, because Seokmin still had his face buried in his shoulder and he was just so warm and friendly and also because—

Because Jeonghan might have been the tiniest bit correct.

───────────── ‘✦,

Five years later, however, as the Joshua of the present tried to stop Seokmin from drowning his cookie batter in sugar, he wondered whether Jeonghan had, instead, been very, very incorrect.

“Hyung,” Seokmin complained, when Joshua forcibly wrestled the bag of sugar out of his hands. “Hey, Shua hyung, let me help! I wanna help!”

“You can help by staying away from my poor cookies,” Joshua said firmly. 

When Seokmin wilted pathetically, bottom lip jutting out in a pout, he just poked him in the cheek as he set the sugar far out of Seokmin’s reach. 

“Put the pout away, Min-ah,” he said, using the affectionate nickname that always managed to make Seokmin melt and eventually agree with whatever Joshua said. ““Remember the last time I let you do what you wanted with my cookies?”

Seokmin hung his head. “I almost gave everyone food poisoning,” he muttered miserably.

“You almost gave everyone food poisoning,” Joshua agreed. “Besides, you barged into my house at 10 in the morning to demand that I make you cookies. At least let me actually make them, you know?”

Seokmin rolled his eyes, leaning against the counter as he watched Joshua pick up his wooden spoon and continue mixing the batter. “I didn’t barge in. You gave me the passcode.”

“For emergencies.”

“This was an emergency.”

Joshua shook his head. “Whatever you say, Seokmin. Whatever you say.”

“I do say!” Seokmin said, nodding vigorously. “You promised, hyung. And it’s very important that you keep your promises.”

“Because you always keep yours?”

“I do!”

“Then why haven’t you paid me back for all those times I paid for your food back in uni, hm? When you somehow forgot your wallet while going out for dinner with us?”

Seokmin opened his mouth wordlessly, frowning as Joshua chuckled at him. “Hey,” he said finally. “Don’t bring up my dark past like that.”

Joshua laughed properly, and Seokmin’s face brightened into a smile, as if an automatic response to the sound of someone’s happiness. It was kind of cute, and had Joshua laughing again, leaning over and pinching Seokmin’s cheek with a sticky hand.

“Look at you. You’re like an adorable puppy,” he said, grinning at the residue of sticky dough smeared against Seokmin’s cheek when he pulled away.

“Thanks, hyung,” Seokmin chirped. “So does that mean you’ll allow me to help?”

“No,” Joshua said bluntly, heart squeezing with something warm when Seokmin dramatically made a show of looking disappointed. He leaned over and pinched Seokmin’s other cheek, smearing more cookie dough on his skin. “Just sit there and look pretty while I bake them for you.”

Seokmin grinned, all blinding light. “You think I’m pretty?”

Joshua hummed. “Sure. Not when you have cookie dough on both your cheeks, though.”

“Hyung! You—”

Seokmin huffed, rubbing his cheeks and turning his nose up annoyedly at Joshua, before Joshua offered him a cookie dough-covered spoon not seconds later, and he instantly opened his mouth to obediently lick at it. 

“You really are a puppy, huh?” Joshua shook his head, smiling, and turned back to the mixing bowl. “There. Now shh. Eat that and let me finish your oh-so important cookies.”

Was it kind of weird that Seokmin had barged into his apartment because he wanted cookies? Well, yeah, but that was the kind of friend that Seokmin was. And Joshua was the kind of friend to let him.

If Joshua thought really hard about it, there wasn’t actually any real reason for him to be making Seokmin cookies at all, though. 

There was no special event coming up soon, no celebration or holiday or any reason why Seokmin couldn’t make the cookies himself (save for the fact that he may accidentally leave someone horribly incapacitated in the process).

But last night, Joshua had spent several hours on the phone to Seokmin—something which had somehow become a weekly thing for the two of them, which worried Joshua a little but only if he thought about it for too long—and inexplicably, their conversation had turned to cookies. Seokmin had whined that his favourite strawberry and chocolate chip cookies were no longer being stocked in stores, and before Joshua knew it, he’d promised to bake Seokmin those cookies as soon as he could.

Honestly, the things he did for Seokmin.

Joshua looked over at Seokmin again, who had somehow managed to hop up onto his kitchen counter and was now swinging his legs like a little child, chattering mindlessly while watching Joshua make his cookies for him, and he couldn’t hide the exasperatedly endeared smile that tugged at his lips.

Joshua was always doing things for Seokmin, really. He should start making the guy pay for his services.

Probably.

Seokmin made a delighted noise when Joshua scooped him another spoonful of cookie dough to eat, and Joshua tried not to think too much about why Seokmin’s joy made him feel light too.

“There we go,” Joshua announced, setting down a plate of still-warm, home baked strawberry and chocolate chip cookies onto the table, along with a glass of milk. “Your cookies. Now eat.”

Seokmin lit up, and positively beamed up at Joshua, clasping his hands together. “Oh, wow. They look so good.”

Joshua smiled, pulling up another chair and collapsing into it. “Yeah?”

He watched as Seokmin stuffed a cookie into his mouth, eyes instantly widening as he began nodding his head vigorously.

“The best,” Seokmin said honestly, words muffled, and there was a pink stain of strawberry on the corner of his mouth already. “Shua hyung, how are you always so good at baking?”

Joshua didn’t reply, and just watched Seokmin stuff his face with the cookie, laughing a little as the younger sincerely expressed his compliments, words garbled and unintelligible, and smiled and told him to chew his food properly.

For all of their bickering and teasing whenever the two of them interacted, Seokmin was a soft person at heart, sincere compliments spilling from his lips as easy as daylight.

Speaking of daylight, however, the morning had well and truly come and gone, the early afternoon sun spilling through Joshua’s windows and reminding him that Seokmin had been in his apartment for a good five hours now. He ought to kick the man out soon.

“You’re going to choke yourself if you keep shoving them in your face like that,” Joshua said, nudging the glass of milk closer to Seokmin. “Take your time, the cookies aren’t going anywhere.”

“Yeah, and that’s the problem,” Seokmin replied, cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk as he sipped the milk. “These cookies need to be in my mouth. Right now.”

Joshua chuckled, leaning back in his chair as Seokmin finished off the last of the three cookies on the plate. The rest of the batch were sitting on the cooling rack, waiting to be put into a container for Seokmin to take home, of course. Joshua wasn’t going to go to all the effort of baking cookies if he was only going to make a few.

“Happy now?” he asked, smiling again when Seokmin nodded fervently, beaming, cookie crumbs around his mouth. Joshua shook his head in faux disbelief. “I can’t believe you forced me to make you those cookies.”

“It’s because I’m Shua hyung’s favourite,” Seokmin sing-songed, grinning cheekily. “I’m your most favourite friend in the entire world.”

“Wrong,” Joshua deadpanned. “That’s Jeonghan.”

“Just because Jeonghan hyung’s your best friend doesn’t mean he’s your favourite,” Seokmin said, and Joshua wanted to point out that it kind of did, but Seokmin was already carrying on. “Speaking of Jeonghan hyung though, don’t forget that he’s taking us all to a restaurant for dinner tonight.”

Joshua blinked, closing his mouth. “Really?”

Seokmin looked at him, head tilted, and then grinned. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“No. Of course not.” Joshua stood up, taking the plate and empty glass and walking into the kitchen. “No I didn’t.”

Seokmin laughed, following Joshua into the kitchen and watching as he washed the crockery. “Oh, you definitely did!” he crowed delightedly, and it was such a Seokmin thing to be delighted by that it had Joshua smiling again, even as he tried to maintain a long-suffering frown. “Can’t believe you forgot all about it. Good thing I reminded you, huh? What would you do without me, Shua hyung?”

Seokmin sounded so endlessly smug, eyes shining for reasons that Joshua couldn’t quite fathom. The warm afternoon light from the windows spilled over his face and gave him a golden glow, and so Joshua finally broke, laughing and drying his hands before ruffling Seokmin’s hair, moving away from the sink and over to the rest of the cookies.

“I dunno. Die?” Joshua suggested, making Seokmin laugh suddenly at the answer.

“Maybe not that extreme,” he said. “You’d probably just miss the dinner that hyung planned to celebrate our friend group’s 2000 day anniversary. Which, actually, on second thoughts, probably would lead to your death,” he added thoughtfully.

Joshua smiled, beginning to deposit the cookies into a plastic container. “In which case, thank you for saving me from certain death, Seokmin.”

“You’re most welcome!” Seokmin said brightly, with a grin. “Do I get a cookie?”

That made Joshua chuckle, looking up from the container to raise his eyebrows at Seokmin. “This entire batch is yours, Seokmin. You can have as many as you like.” 

He placed the container into Seokmin’s hands, and then started walking out of the kitchen.

“Also, you have cookie crumbs all around your mouth.”

Seokmin’s loud whine of annoyance echoed throughout his apartment. “Hyung!”

───────────── ‘✦,

And so that was how Joshua’s morning had gone. Relatively uneventful and, truthfully, rather ordinary (well, as normal as a morning could be when you had Lee Seokmin for a best friend). So Joshua wasn’t truly expecting anything different during dinner that evening.

Their overexcited yells blurred together and echoed noisily throughout the BBQ restaurant, and Joshua laughed into his glass of water as half of the table shouted over each other for some reason or other.

They were getting a fair amount of concerned stares from the general public, which was understandable, because Soonyoung was vibrating like he was due to explode any minute and half of them weren’t even sitting in their chairs anymore, but this was how their dinners out together always went, so Joshua didn’t even bat an eye.

“I’m sure if you strap a jet pack onto the ostrich, then it could definitely fly,” Mingyu was insisting, and Seungkwan stared at him in utter disbelief.

“If you strap a jet pack onto a hippo then it could definitely fly!” Seungkwan screeched, and Wonwoo nodded vigorously in agreement. “Doesn’t mean that ostriches can fly!”

“It does!” Mingyu said, but his eye twitched as he talked. It was a sure sign that he knew he was basically talking nonsense, but Seungkwan looked far too irate to notice. “Flying is when stuff goes into the sky, right? I fully believe that a hippo can fly too.”

Wonwoo’s eye was twitching, too, and definitely not for the same reason that Mingyu’s was. “You think that hippos can fly.”

Mingyu grinned. “I do.”

“I support him!” Soonyoung cried out suddenly, and everyone exploded, eager to take part and voice their opinion.

Their conversation had long ago strayed from being in the realm of anything that made sense, and at the end of the long table that they were all eating at, Jeonghan was quite peacefully picking meat off of his barbeque grill, him and Seungcheol making pleasant conversation and ignoring the shouts coming from next to them.

Joshua shook his head. Typical Jeonghan behaviour.

Ducking his head to avoid Soonyoung’s flailing arms as the younger vehemently defended Mingyu’s (frankly very stupid) opinion, Joshua reached over the table for the bottle of soju, filling up his shot glass and knocking it back, observing his friends with a grin on his face.

So far, the dinner had been going incredibly normally. 

They’d taken part in drinking games, and Mingyu and Seokmin had made a show of cooking the meat for everyone, and the conversation had switched topics hilariously fast a span of fifteen times. 

And Joshua was having a great time. He’d been seated between Chan and Hansol, who were actually rather good people to be seated between, because Hansol ended up dozing off three hours into the dinner and Chan ended up disappearing to sit somewhere on the other side of the table, leaving Joshua in peace to observe and laugh at his friend’s antics.

He’d been doing what he always did at their friendaversary dinners: replace half his shots with water, watch his friends’ drunk arguments (and occasionally interject with one random statement to rile them all up again), and also eat as much beef as possible because, well. Jeonghan was paying. He may as well make the most of it.

Joshua listened to the shaking, booming voice of Wonwoo going “What do you mean you’ve never heard of a penguin before?”, and chuckled. 

Everything was indeed going very normally. 

“Shua hyung,” a voice said in his ear, one bony finger poking right into his shoulder blade before a cold hand pressed against the nape of his neck, making him yelp and turn around.

Seokmin grinned at him from Chan's previously-empty chair, eyes looking a little too bright to be wholly sober.

“Shua hyung,” he said again, his grin full of mischief. “Don’t look so excited to see me. Desperation isn’t a good look on anyone.”

Joshua just rolled his eyes, tweaking Seokmin’s ear for good measure. “As if I’d be excited to see you.” Seokmin pouted, and pressed his entire cold palm against Joshua’s cheek just to be mean. “Hey, don’t put your gremlin hands on me, you brat. Why are your fingers so cold, anyway?”

Seokmin shrugged, holding his hands up and looking at them like he’d never seen them before. “Guess they just get cold really easily.” He looked up, and his smile seemed to widen even further, holding his hands out to Joshua. “Warm them up for me?”

“Warm them up yourself,” Joshua said, but he was already reaching out for Seokmin’s hands, warming his fingers between his palms.

Seokmin just beamed, pleased, like he’d known that Joshua would immediately give him what he wanted. Hands still being held by Joshua, he turned back to the rest of their friends, observing them with bright eyes.

He grinned at something that Junhui said, and Joshua watched him, smiling a little. 

There was always just something about Seokmin’s happiness that made one feel happy too. Back when they first met, five years ago, it had been one of the things that had endeared Seokmin to Joshua in the first place.

Joshua looked back at the rest of their friends, listening as Soonyoung was yet again doing his terrifyingly accurate impression of Seungkwan. He smiled, but didn’t pay attention for long, because next to him, Seokmin slipped his hands out of his grip, clapping delightedly and then raised his hands to cover his mouth.

And then Seokmin laughed: loud, brightly, full of golden light as he tipped back in his chair before leaning forward, yelling encouragement to Soonyoung on the other end of the table.

He laughed again, and Joshua just—

Joshua just watched him. 

He was unable to tear his eyes away as Seokmin snorted inelegantly, bursting into fits of laughter and collapsing into Joshua’s shoulder, seemingly unable to hold himself up due to the force of his laughs.

All he could do was stare down fondly at Seokmin, giggling into him. Seokmin, whose eyes had crinkled so they were nothing more than overjoyed crescents, whose laughter was ringing in the air, and even the yells of their friends had become muffled in Joshua’s ears, his focus solely on Seokmin by his side and his bright, unabashed laugh.

Seungkwan said something then, and Seokmin looked up, eyes bright with mirth as he made to stand up. 

“Hey! Seungkwan!” Seokmin yelled, getting up from the chair and leaning on the table. “Look, you—”

And then he cut himself off, bursting into laughter as Soonyoung said something, arms waving in the air, and Seokmin hurried over to them before Seungkwan could get his hands around Soonyoung’s throat, still laughing the entire time. 

“Hey, let me go! Let me go after Soonyoung hyung! This guy deserves it for sure—”

Seokmin was waved off by Seungkwan, but he still kept a close distance, hovering over the younger with his face crinkled into a smile and seemingly unaware of how he'd left Joshua with his head in shambles on the other side of the table. 

And Joshua… well, Joshua had realised something.

Seokmin’s laugh was, without a doubt, one of the best sounds that Joshua had ever heard.

Which was a good thing, Joshua mused, watching Seokmin from across the table, watching him say something and then burst into laughter at his own words. Seokmin was a chronic smiler and chronic laugher, and could never be seen without his lips curling upwards at something or other, letting out at least a small snuffle of a laugh.

Joshua had heard Seokmin laugh hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Never before had he realised how good Seokmin’s laugh sounded, though. Or how good he looked when he laughed.

Happiness was a good look on Seokmin.

Sometimes, his laughter scrunched his face up hilariously, and sometimes, it turned into loud shrieks more than actual laughs. Even so, Joshua thought it was rather endearing, and still sounded like golden chimes in a spring breeze.

It would be incredibly easy to fall in love with a laugh like that.

Joshua froze, mind going blank as Seokmin tilted his head back, laughing and smiling widely, his golden laughter ringing in his ears. 

Oh.

Oh, no.

“Alright, you three, shut up,” Jeonghan finally interrupted, seemingly having had enough of their fighting. “You’re gonna give me a headache. And you’re going to wake poor Hansol up,” he added, gesturing to Hansol who was still sleeping in the chair next to Joshua.

Seungkwan whined immediately. “Hyung! Soonyoung hyung’s doing crazy stuff again!”

“So is Seungkwan!”

“I know,” Jeonghan said, “but you’re both being ridiculous. Sit down. Why don’t we play a nice, quiet game?”

“Or,” a voice said, “you can leave.”

One of the restaurant workers was frowning at them, and handed Jeonghan the bill. 

“In fact, please leave.”

Jeonghan blinked down at the bill in his hands, before his eyes widened and he made a slight distressed sound. “Who ordered this much beef?” He looked around, eyes wide. “Who ordered all of this?”

Seungcheol grabbed his arm before he could work himself up into a fit. “We’ll be on our way, thank you,” he said to the server, bowing. “Our apologies. Jeonghan, come on, you said you’d pay.”

“I’m not paying for all of this,” Jeonghan said stubbornly, even as Seungcheol pushed him towards the desk. “Cheol, split it with me. Look at this! This is crazy! I swear, when I find out who ordered three different cuts of wagyu beef I’m gonna—”

Their gathering split up rather quickly after that, though it did look like Wonwoo had a difficult time trying to drag an incredibly drunk Chan out of his seat. Joshua was rather grateful though, partly because he didn’t want to stick around if Jeonghan managed to catch a whiff of who’d ordered the most expensive meat on the menu, and partly because it would give him the chance to process the sudden realisation he’d just had.

Jihoon was putting very little effort into dragging Soonyoung away from Seungkwan, while Mingyu was bodily hauling the younger man out of the restaurant. The sight would have made Joshua laugh, only he was too occupied with gathering all of his own things and booking it out of the restaurant and back home as soon as possible.

“Shua hyung!”

A hand suddenly squeezed Joshua’s arm, making him whip his head upwards, almost knocking right into Seokmin’s chin as the younger leaned over him.

“Oh my g—Seokmin,” Joshua said, stepping back a little so they weren’t practically nose to nose. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Seokmin said, and then grinned. “Are you walking home, hyung?”

Joshua looked over at the counter, where Jeonghan seemed to still be arguing with Seungcheol about splitting the bill. “Probably,” he said. “It looks like those two’ll be arguing for a while. It’ll be, like, three in the morning by the time Cheol drops me back off if I wait for them to be done.”

Seokmin’s lips twisted, eyes round with concern. “You shouldn’t be walking home by yourself at this time of night, hyung.” His face lit up. “D’you wanna come with us instead? Myungho and Junhui hyung are driving me back home. I’m sure they could drop you off too.”

His first instinct was to say yes, of course and that would be great, but his heart was racing unusually fast in his chest, and looking at Seokmin’s bright, earnest eyes for even a second too long made Joshua feel all warm and melty inside, and considering the obscene amount of alcohol he’d consumed (even with his half-water scheme going on) it probably wasn’t a good idea to spend a whole car ride next to Seokmin.

“No thanks,” Joshua said, rather too hurriedly, and then looked down to adjust his shoulder bag, embarrassed at his own abrupt answer. “I mean—I don’t live that far away. I’ll be fine.”

Seokmin looked at him for a long moment, and he must have been more drunk than Joshua thought, because his eyes were coloured with a glittering expression that made him pause.

Seokmin looked almost disappointed.

And then he blinked, and the expression was gone, replaced with a slightly lopsided grin as he pulled Joshua in for a hug then instantly stepped away, wringing his hands together. “Well, goodnight then, Shua hyung,” Seokmin said. “I’ll see you?”

Joshua managed to dredge up his own smile, giving a small wave. “Yeah. See you, Min-ah.”

So Joshua bid him goodnight and the rest of them goodbye, and walked out of the restaurant, his heart thumping in his chest, Seokmin’s smile glowing in the back of his eyes.

And the knowledge that he was in love with Seokmin etched into his brain.

───────────── ‘✦,

Joshua and Seokmin’s friendship went something like this.

They teased, bickered, pinched each other’s elbows and pressed palms against faces. They doted, coddled, cared for each other and talked over the phone until the wee hours of the morning. Seokmin would whine for something, and Joshua would give it to him. Joshua wouldn’t even have to say a word, and Seokmin would be reaching out to hold him, in an instant knowing exactly what Joshua needed.

Seokmin was loud, almost obnoxiously so, but when Joshua went out seeking solace he went to Seokmin first, because Seokmin was always, always soft and comfortable for Joshua.

Joshua sat down on his couch and stirred the sugar into his coffee with a teaspoon, frowning down at it thoughtfully.

Jeonghan was Joshua’s best friend. The other half of his soul.

But even if Jeonghan was half of Joshua’s soul, then Seokmin was the soul that was made to fit with Joshua’s. Not an identical copy of his own, but something that melted and moulded into his edges, slotting together as if they’d been designed to fit into each other all long, like they were—

“Puzzle pieces,” Joshua said to himself, smiling a little fondly. Seokmin was terrible at puzzles. 

He couldn’t help but think of that one jigsaw puzzle that Jeonghan had bought Seokmin for his birthday, and the two of them had bickered for fifteen minutes straight on whether Seokmin would actually be able to complete it. Seokmin said that of course he could, and Joshua said he definitely could not.

(In the end, it turned out that Seokmin could not, but Joshua helped him finish it anyway.)

When Joshua pushed, Seokmin pulled.  Where Joshua was cat-like, easy grins and quick thoughts, Seokmin was puppy-like, bright and boundless energy and endless kindness. Seokmin could never say no to anyone, and while Joshua was getting a little better at it, he could still never say no to Seokmin.

A myriad of not-quite contradictions, of almost-opposites and nearly-differents. Of “Shua hyung?”s and “Yes Seokmin?”s and “Nothing, I just wanted to see if you were still listening to me”s.

Soulmates, but in the truest sense of the word—the person whose soul was meant to reside next to his.

Joshua set down the teaspoon, frowning thoughtfully. When he put it like that, it did sound an awful lot like they were in love. Perhaps he should’ve realised he’d fallen for Seokmin a lot sooner.

Because that was what it was, wasn’t it? Joshua had fallen for Seokmin, perhaps long, long ago, fallen for his entire being and everything he was.

And it took him listening to Seokmin’s laugh to finally realise.

His phone rang, then, a wonderful tune of Jeonghan screaming really loudly that the man had set as the custom ringtone for himself, and with a sigh, Joshua set down his coffee and picked up. 

“What do you want?” 

“Let’s go out.” 

“No thanks. I’m flattered, Han, but I don’t like you in that way.” 

“Idiot,” Jeonghan said, and Joshua chuckled. “Come on, let’s go for a walk down the river.” 

Joshua hummed, looking down at his coffee, tracing a finger over the rim of the mug. “What if I have plans? And what if I don’t want to go out?”

“Joshuji. If you were busy, you wouldn’t have picked up so fast,” Jeonghan said, tone patronising, like this was obvious. “It’s a very nice day for a walk today, you know. Also, Seungcheol’s coming. We all wanna go on a walk together, so join us.”

That made Joshua wrinkle his nose. “No thanks. I don’t have plans to be a third wheel today.”

There was a pause.

“I’ll ask Seokmin to come too.”

Joshua blinked, and then cursed his own heart for jumping hopefully at the mere mention of Seokmin’s name. “And why are you telling me that?”

“Just because,” Jeonghan said, and Joshua could almost picture his flippant shrug. “He said he hasn’t seen you in a week. Have you been avoiding him, hm?”

“No,” Joshua said, and then coughed. Jeonghan hummed sceptically at his words.

“Sure.”

“Why would I be avoiding him?” Joshua continued. “He can come invade my home whenever he wants. He’s done it before. I’m not avoiding him.”

Joshua was definitely avoiding him.

It had been a week since their friendaversary dinner, and Joshua hadn’t seen Seokmin once, too preoccupied with sitting on his couch, staring blankly at the wall and contemplating the fact that he was in love with Seokmin.

He couldn’t bring himself to see Seokmin, not just yet—not before he was sure that he wouldn’t do something utterly ridiculous when they next saw each other. He wasn’t keen on abruptly professing his love the moment he saw Seokmin’s face. Or ruffling his hair and kissing his cheeks and staring, wide-eyed and in awe as Seokmin did something painfully ordinary, like breathing or being alive or just smiling even remotely in Joshua’s direction.

Joshua blinked rapidly as suddenly, his thoughts conjured a vivid image of Seokmin beaming at him, his sunshine smile glowing prettily in his mind’s eye.

“Maybe Seokmin wants you to be the one to come and see him first,” Jeonghan suggested when Joshua didn’t say anything.

Joshua ignored him, dragging a hand down his face. “Why would you telling me that Seokmin’s coming change my answer, though?”

“Oh, it will,” Jeonghan said cheerfully. “I know things, Shuji. So come on out, we’ll meet at the front of Cheol’s house in fifteen minutes. See you.”

He hung up, then, leaving Joshua to stare down at the blinking contact, shaking his head and wondering whether Jeonghan actually knew something or if he was just being Jeonghan yet again. 

And then, he got up from the sofa and went to his room to get ready.

───────────── ‘✦,

Yoon Jeonghan, that little rat.

“Yoon Jeonghan, that little rat,” Joshua muttered, watching as Jeonghan walked away, arm slung over Seungcheol’s shoulders. It was a bit of a struggle, because Seungcheol was one broad guy, but Jeonghan managed.

Of course he did. He'd do anything to ensure the success of his schemes, and this was all part of his ploy to abandon Joshua with Seokmin.

Seokmin, who was pressed close to his side, as they both watched Jeonghan and Seungcheol walk away.

Seokmin, who just turned to Joshua with a bright smile, seemingly undeterred by Jeonghan’s horrific betrayal. 

“Well,” he chirped, eyes crinkling prettily, and suddenly Jeonghan’s betrayal didn’t feel so bad. “Guess we get to spend the rest of the afternoon as just the two of us!”

Indeed they did.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol had been with them for a total of forty five minutes before suddenly, an inescapable emergency emerged, one that urgently required both of them to rush home and leave Seokmin and Joshua alone. Not before insisting that they had to finish the walk together, of course.

Cursing Jeonghan inwardly, Joshua plastered a smile onto his face, a smile that softened into something a little more genuine as Seokmin continued beaming.

“Yeah. Seems like it’s just us.”

The gentle rushing sounds of the river seemed to gurgle in harmony with Seokmin as the younger resumed his chattering, the two of them continuing their leisurely strolling alongside the river.

It really was a nice day for a walk. Joshua hadn’t really had the chance to appreciate how pleasant everything was that day, too busy avoiding Seokmin and even trying to squish himself between Jeonghan and Seungcheol so that he didn’t have to talk to Seokmin for too long and stare into those pretty, pretty eyes.

But now Joshua had no choice but to walk with Seokmin and so, accepting his fate, he was able to look around and acknowledge that today truly was a nice day.

The sun shone brightly, glistening and glinting off of the waves of the river, off of the leaves of the trees, off of the sparkles in Seokmin’s eyes. There was a pleasant breeze, rustling the reeds and ruffling Seokmin’s hair and giving him an adorably windswept fringe that he kept brushing back with one, delicate finger. It was a nice day to look out at the picturesque river, at the general public going about their daily business, at Seokmin’s adorable eye crinkles as he animatedly told a story.

Okay. Maybe Joshua spent half the time staring at Seokmin’s face rather than doing anything else.

It was kind of unavoidable, however, given the way that Seokmin was comfortably pressed into his side, his hands warm as they tucked themselves into the crook of Joshua’s elbow, clinging to him in a way that Joshua, admittedly, thought was very adorable. And Seokmin kept talking, his voice bright and bubbly and every time he smiled, Joshua had no choice but to direct his full attention to Seokmin and Seokmin only.

“And I just watched them the entire time, seeing what they would do after they saw the seagull slip on the log and fall off. Because surely they’d try to go around the log, right? But then the ducks just—” Seokmin cut himself off, one hand coming up to muffle the laugh that escaped his lips, and Joshua found himself smiling too.

“The ducks did what?”

“They just waddled up to the log and one by one slipped off and landed into the water,” Seokmin laughed, and mimicked a duck’s waddle with his head before putting on a dramatically surprised face and pretending to fall into imaginary water.

It had Joshua laughing, endeared, steadying Seokmin as the younger stumbled into him. They really were walking quite close together.

This was the unfortunate thing about being friends with a Lee Seokmin for five years. The man developed a complete lack of understanding for something called ‘Joshua’s personal space’. 

It was a concept that didn’t exist. Not to him, not when they’d known each other for far too long after Jeonghan had introduced Joshua to him all those years ago. For Seokmin, it was totally natural to be practically walking together as one person with Joshua as they made their way down the riverbank. Totally normal for him to be leaning into Joshua most of the time, rather than actually standing on his own two feet.

Joshua wouldn’t normally have a problem with it. He was well aware of Seokmin’s clinginess, and would either respond by pushing him away or letting him do what he wanted, without thinking too much about it.

Now, though. Now things were different. 

Because he was in love with Seokmin, and that made everything a lot harder.

“Did you know that ducks are half-nocturnal?” Seokmin said abruptly, and Joshua blinked.

“I did not know that,” he said. “Why do you know that?”

Seokmin just shrugged casually, his shoulder bumping against Joshua’s. “Got bored,” he said. “Remember, like, a month ago, when you just kept talking about all your different cousins for an hour straight and you accused me of not listening to you?”

“I do. You started sulking.”

“Yeah!” Seokmin grinned, like it was no big deal. “Well, I lied to you, hyung. I wasn’t listening. I was searching up duck facts.”

“Wow.” Joshua stared at him. “You’d choose searching up duck facts over listening to your own hyung talk? I’m hurt, Seokmin. How could you?”

Seokmin only laughed, reaching out for Joshua when the elder dramatically ripped his arm away from his hold, beginning to speed-walk down the path away from him. It didn’t take long for Seokmin to catch up with him again, latching himself to his side once more, even when Joshua refused to look at him.

“Shua hyung, I didn’t mean it like that,” Seokmin whined, pouting. When Joshua didn’t react, he whined again. “Shua hyung! Hey, hey, pay attention to me.”

Joshua steadfastly avoided looking over at Seokmin. Part of it was to keep up the act of being mad at him, but part of it was because if he looked over at Seokmin at that moment, there was a good chance that Joshua would simply combust on the spot.

When Seokmin pouted like that with his huge, round puppy eyes and made those whining sounds in the back of his throat, it was so utterly endearing that it took everything in Joshua to not just fall to his knees right then and there. Seokmin was quite easily one of the most adorable people that Joshua knew, and what made matters worse was the fact that Seokmin didn’t really seem to know just how adorable he really was.

“Shua hyung,” Seokmin said again, very sadly, and Joshua finally looked at him. The moment they made eye contact, Seokmin’s entire being positively lit up, and Joshua had to look away again.

Goodness. It was so hard being in love.

“Alright, I forgive you,” Joshua said, before Seokmin could do something ridiculous like pout all pathetically and whine out a sad Shua hyung again.

“Cool!” Seokmin said instantly, beaming, the earlier sadness wiped from his expression like it never even existed in the first place. “That’s good, ‘cause you’re my favourite hyung, Shua hyung, so I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

Seokmin sounded like he was teasing, when he said it like that, but Joshua couldn’t be too sure. Thinking about it for too long made his head feel all dizzy.

Woah. This really wasn’t good.

While Joshua didn’t necessarily dislike being in love with Seokmin, because it was impossible to put the word ‘dislike’ and ‘Seokmin’ in the same sentence, it dawned on him now that it made it very hard to function normally around the younger man. It made him feel all melty and gooey inside whenever Seokmin so much as looked over at him, and when Seokmin smiled, Joshua could feel himself melt and could hardly even think straight for several seconds after.

But, well. Seokmin was grinning widely at him, tugging his arm to pull him along the path and saying there was normally a very nice lady selling roses on the riverbank and wouldn’t Shua hyung like a rose too?, and he was being just so very Seokmin that it made Joshua smile.

“Of course,” he said, chuckling, as Seokmin slipped his hand into his and they began jogging down the path. “Of course I’d love a rose. Only if you’re paying, though.”

───────────── ‘✦,

“I'm in love with Seokmin,” Joshua declared, loudly, the moment he opened the door to Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s shared apartment.

Seungcheol blinked at him from the hallway, a half-eaten slice of toast on the floor from where he’d dropped it in surprise at Joshua's sudden entrance.

“Um. Nice to know?” he said. “Took you long enough, though.”

Joshua blinked back at him. “Where’s Jeonghan? Why are you here?”

“Hey. I live here, you know,” Seungcheol pointed out, before bending down and picking up his slice of toast. He winced down at the crumbs. “Dang, that’s gonna bring in ants. Also, why are you here?” he asked, in Joshua’s direction. “And how did your date with Seokmin go?”

“It was not a—wait, if you knew I wasn’t in love with Seokmin yet, why did you set us up like that? How did you know I’d fall in love with him in the first place?”

“Because you’re you,” Jeonghan said, emerging from somewhere with a handheld vacuum cleaner in hand. He handed it to Seungcheol, who stared at him like he was some sort of holy saviour. “And because Seokmin’s Seokmin. It was bound to happen at some point.”

Joshua frowned. “That doesn't make sense.”

“Believe what you wanna believe,” Jeonghan said, shrugging. “Anyway, why did you barge into our apartment like this?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Joshua frowned again. “I hate you for abandoning us today at the river.”

“Hey, we were being helpful!” Jeonghan said, over the sound of Seungcheol noisily vacuuming up the crumbs. “Did you not have a good time? Seokmin even bought you a rose, it seems.”

“What?” Joshua looked down at the plastic-wrapped rose in his hands. He’d come straight from his walk with Seokmin to Jeonghan’s apartment, and he’d completely forgotten that he was still holding the rose. “How can you be so sure that Seokmin bought it for me? Maybe I bought it for myself.”

Jeonghan smiled, all-knowing. “This is Seokmin we’re talking about, Joshuji.”

“So?”

“So,” Jeonghan said, “you should come in. Or do you wanna stay by the doorway forever?”

Fifteen minutes later, Jeonghan had ushered him into the living room and seemed to be attempting to stuff Joshua with all the snacks in the world before he left.

Joshua sighed. “Come on, Jeonghan, why are you—”

Jeonghan simply shoved a lollipop into Joshua’s mouth, effectively shutting him up. “Shh. Let me do the talking, okay?”

“Hey, I’m the one who came to talk to you,” Joshua protested, taking the lollipop out only for Jeonghan to shove it back in again. “Why are you—What do you even have to say to me—”

“I have a lot of stuff to say to you,” Jeonghan said, and then his face abruptly morphed into a stern expression. “I am very displeased with your behaviour, Joshua-ssi.” He waved a finger in Joshua’s direction. “You haven’t been treating Seokmin well.”

Joshua choked on his lollipop. “What?”

“You’ve been avoiding him,” Jeonghan said, still in that stern tone. 

“Avoiding him? What do you mean?”

Jeonghan straightened, adjusting imaginary glasses and began listing off of his fingers. “First, you talked to Seokmin for a grand total of 7 minutes and 43 seconds during our friendaversary dinner the other week. Out of a five hour gathering? That’s terrible.”

“Were you timing us?”

“Next, you ignore him for a whole week. You don’t call him, nor do you reply to his texts, nor do you even text him first.”

“I never reply to anyone’s texts.”

“And then today,” Jeonghan declared, throwing his hands up like a grand climax, “you did everything in your power to avoid him entirely while we were all walking together. I’m terribly displeased with you, Joshua-ssi.”

Joshua raised a hand confusedly, the lollipop held in the other. “Okay, Jeonghan, what are you talking about? Why are you displeased?” he asked. “Also can we, uh, backtrack a bit? You didn’t fully acknowledge the… thing.” He reddened slightly. “The fact that I have, uh, feelings for… him.”

“Hm?” Jeonghan unwrapped a chocolate, offering it to Joshua before abruptly popping it into his own mouth. “Oh, I knew about that.”

Joshua’s eyes widened. “How?”

“That dinner, for starters,” Jeonghan said with his mouth full. He shook his head at Joshua’s surprise, the ‘you’re being weird right now’ tone clear in his voice. “Honestly, did you black out for the entire evening? You were watching Seokmin the entire time, Joshua. Seungcheol even has a video.”

“I do,” Seungcheol said, his voice appearing out of nowhere right over Joshua’s shoulder, making him jump.

“Oh my—Where did you come from?”

Seungcheol just grinned, whipping out his phone and showing Joshua the video.

And the video was… pretty incriminating. It was a little blurry, made ambiguous by the haze of smoke wafting from the meat and the frankly terrible cameraman-ship, but Joshua could recognise himself easily. 

He watched as video-Joshua sat back in his chair, glass in hand, and there were about five people standing up and yelling at each other on screen but video-Joshua’s gaze was unmistakably, undeniably fixed on Seokmin and Seokmin alone, eyes crinkling adoringly, smiling so ridiculously wide as Seokmin just continued talking, entirely oblivious.

Seokmin said something intelligible, words lost to the noise of the restaurant, but video-Joshua just smiled even wider, eyes turning into endeared crescents and Joshua could almost see the hearts emanating from his own gaze. 

“Huh,” he said weakly, once Seungcheol vanished after showing him the video. Like he was nothing more than a cameo in Jeonghan's entire interrogation, or something. “Well.”

Jeonghan nodded, smug. “Although, I did know even before that,” he added. “I predicted it from the moment you first met him. I wanted to show you the video, though, because it makes it pretty obvious.”

“The mome—you know what, I’m not going to ask,” Joshua said, and then sighed. “Alright, so you know. And you have nothing to say about it?”

“Other than the fact you should stop being mean to Seokmin?” Jeonghan shrugged, taking out another chocolate and eating it. “Nope. You guys would be great together.”

“What?” Decidedly ignoring that last statement, Joshua waved the lollipop he was still holding in Jeonghan’s direction, annoyed, and in answer, Jeonghan just shoved it back in his mouth again. “I’m not being mean to him. When am I ever mean to him?”

He took the lollipop out of his mouth again  and then set it down on the coffee table, ignoring the affronted noise Jeonghan made when the sticky sweet came into contact with the wood. 

This entire conversation was not going how Joshua thought it would. He’d expected at least some degree of surprise from Jeonghan, maybe even a little bit of comfort whilst Joshua had a small mental breakdown in front of him. He certainly hadn’t expected Jeonghan to somehow already know everything, even before Joshua knew. Nor had he expected to be scolded for how he’d dealt with his feelings.

“This past week! I just told you, Joshua-ssi,” Jeonghan said. 

“Can you stop calling me ‘Joshua-ssi’? It makes it sound like you’re mad at me.”

“I am mad at you,” Jeonghan responded, sniffing and turning his nose up. “Okay, but seriously, Seokmin thought that he’d done something wrong. He thought you were upset at him, which is exactly why I made you come out on that walk today.” He stabbed a finger in Joshua’s direction. “You, sir, are terrible at handling your feelings.”

Joshua sighed. “Can you blame me, though? Being in love is—is weird. Seokmin is just so…” He paused, wringing his hands. “He’s so sweet and kind and genuine and realising that you’ve fallen for someone like that is, I think, a very justifiable cause for having a breakdown for a week.”

Jeonghan frowned. “It makes it sound like you don’t think he’d like you back.”

“Of course he wouldn't,” Joshua said, like it was obvious. “He’s Seokmin, and I’m—” Joshua swallowed, a lump rising in his throat. “I’m just me.”

“Just you?”

“Look at it this way,” Joshua explained, since apparently Jeonghan didn’t understand this horribly simple concept of Joshua being literally a potato compared to Seokmin. “Seokmin is a star, a brilliantly shining ball of light. And then this is me.”

Joshua unwrapped one of the chocolates, holding up the brown ball. Jeonghan blinked at it, before taking both the wrapper and chocolate from him, popping the treat into his mouth.

“I still don’t get it,” Jeonghan said. “So what? Chocolate is yummy.”

“I like him too much to risk melting away under his Sun, if I get too close,” Joshua explained, and then shook his head. “Seriously, I like him so much, Jeonghan. Him and his smile and his laugh and that ridiculously loud voice of his…” He smiled slightly, and then sighed. “I like Seokmin far too much to risk even thinking about if he could like me back. It’d ruin our friendship.”

Jeonghan tilted his head. “Is it really that absurd to consider that Seokmin may like you back?”

Joshua thought of Seokmin and his golden smiles, his beautiful bright voice and his gentle hands and his warm presence, and swallowed.

“Yeah,” he said, a little hoarsely. “I think it is.”

There was a short silence then, as Jeonghan bit his lip, seeming to soften a little at Joshua’s answer, a complicated expression filling his eyes.

Then he leaned over and hit Joshua over the head with the chocolate wrapper.

“Hey!” Joshua protested, brushing at his hair. “Why did you do that?”

“Because you’re an idiot,” Jeonghan said matter-of-factly. “You think it’s absurd? I think you’re absurd, Joshuji.” Oh, good, at least he wasn’t calling Joshua ‘Joshua-ssi’ anymore. “You're being a coward. Don’t deny it, it’s true. Taking a whole week to process your feelings? Please. You were just hiding because you were scared.”

That made Joshua wince a little, because Jeonghan was, unfortunately, quite correct.

“Just take that leap,” Jeonghan said, gentler. He poked Joshua in the cheek affectionately. “Jump. Jump towards Seokmin, Joshuji, because I promise, he’ll be there for you. Even if he doesn’t feel the same. Which, I assure you, is highly unlikely.”

Joshua’s eyes melted, irises looking a little shiny. “But what if I jump and just… fall?”

“He’d never let that happen,” Jeonghan promised. “Jump and fall into him, Joshuji. He’s there to catch you.”

───────────── ‘✦,

It was only a few days later that Joshua realised Jeonghan had essentially told him to confess. Luckily for Joshua, though, there was no way on Earth that was happening.

“You’re an idiot,” Jeonghan said into his ear. “The biggest idiot I’ve ever met. Even more of an idiot than Mingyu, which is definitely saying something.”

“I’m not doing it, Jeonghan,” Joshua said with a shake of his head. “I don’t know why you thought that I would.”

“I gave you a whole emotional speech and everything! Of course I thought you would!”

Jeonghan had called him five minutes ago, asking if everything had been going well in regards to ‘The Business’, where it had been revealed that Joshua a) had no idea what ‘The Business’ was, and b) had not gone through with it at all.

“Listen, Joshua. Seokmin, he’s always talking ab—” Jeonghan cut himself off again with a frustrated groan. “I’m friends with idiots. All of you are idiots.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Please do it,” Jeonghan said, and now he sounded like he was begging. Joshua didn’t quite know why. It wasn’t like the world would end if he didn’t confess. “For my peace of mind, please confess.”

“For your peace of mind?” Joshua repeated. “What?”

“The weather looks pretty good next weekend,” Jeonghan added. “Seokmin hasn’t gone to the amusement park in a while. He’s always said he wanted to go on the ferris wheel, even though he’s scared of heights. And you know how much of a romantic at heart Seokmin is.”

Joshua frowned. “Why are you telling me this?”

“You know why.” Jeonghan didn’t add anything further to that statement. “Anyway, I gotta go. See you. Make use of this info, okay?”

“What am I even meant to use it f—Jeonghan? Jeonghan?” Joshua looked down at his phone, where Jeonghan had abruptly hung up on him, mystified. He really wished sometimes that Jeonghan would do things that made sense.

He set down his phone, tilted his head back, and sighed. He was sighing an awful lot these days. He was just considering whether being in love could give you some sort of illness that caused excessive sighing when his phone rang again, but this time with a different ringtone: Seokmin’s ringtone.

Joshua had annoying and clingy friends who, apparently, really loved customising their ringtones on his phone.

“Hello, Seokmin,” Joshua said, unable to stop the small smile spreading across his face as the name left his lips. “How are you?”

“Good evening, Shua hyung,” Seokmin chirped, and he sounded so lovely and bright that the smile on Joshua's face widened a little. “I’m doing good! I was just calling because it’s a Friday, and we normally call on Fridays, so I was just—I wanted to call you.” He fumbled with his words, stumbling a bit before hurriedly adding, “Of course, if you’re busy, we don’t have to talk! Since, like, we didn’t call last week, if you don’t want to from now on then I totally respect your decision, you know?”

“No, it’s okay,” Joshua interrupted, before Seokmin could begin spiralling. “I mean. Yes. I’d like that. For us to continue calling, that is.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah,” Joshua said, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling ridiculously wide to himself. “Yeah, really.”

“Oh,” Seokmin said again, after a flusteredly warm silence. He coughed a little. “Um, in which case, I’d really like that too.”

Joshua closed his eyes and leaned back, smiling into the phone and trying desperately to calm down his heart because goodness, it should be illegal for someone to make him feel this fluttery on the inside.

“So, anyway,” Seokmin said, and even Joshua could detect the smile in his voice, “I heard that it’s going to be really sunny for the next week or so! Seungkwan wants to plan a long weekend where we all go to the beach to make the most of the sun.”

“Does he really?” Joshua said, with a laugh. “Just because it’s sunny doesn’t mean it’ll be warm, though.”

“That’s exactly what I told him! But he’s still insisting we go,” Seokmin complained.

“What, all of us?”

“I think so. He’ll definitely drag me along, at the very least. Me and Soonyoung hyung and Hansol and Chan. Chan’s definitely going to ditch, though,” Seokmin said conspiratorially. “I think he’s gonna make up some pretend event that he accidentally double-booked himself with so that he doesn’t have to go.”

“Oh, really?” Joshua said with a laugh. “Seungkwan’s not gonna like that at all.”

Seokmin laughed too, bright and delighted, and if possible, Joshua’s smile widened. “He’s really not. I’m also really hoping he’s joking. Because otherwise, I might have to accidentally double-book myself too so I don’t have to go.”

“What would you double-book yourself with?”

“Hm, well…”

Joshua liked talking to Seokmin. Not only because he was in love with him (a fact he was slowly getting used to, having repeated the words so many times to himself) but because Seokmin was an incredibly fun person.

Without a doubt, every time they talked, Joshua would find himself laughing, either because of something he’d said or in response to Seokmin’s own laughter. 

And as Seokmin continued talking, little laughs escaping him whenever he thought of something particularly funny, Joshua listened intently, the smile still on his face. Seokmin really did have such a wonderful laugh, he thought, a little fondly. Beautiful, like golden bursts of light.

“Poor Hansol’s gonna get dragged into Seungkwan’s whole thing, though,” Seokmin was saying, and then laughed. “He's so whipped that he’ll literally do anything that he wants, no questions asked.”

Joshua chuckled. “That sounds like a very Hansol thing to do.” 

“Yeah,” Seokmin laughed, “So Seungkwan’s telling us to keep next weekend free. So of course, I’m gonna do my best to book up my entire weekend.”

Joshua chuckled, about to say something before blinking, Jeonghan’s weird information dump from earlier suddenly hitting him like a lightning bolt, as if someone had struck him on the head with it to remind him of Jeonghan’s words.

“Hey, Seokmin,” he said after a moment. “If you’re trying to book up your weekend, then do you want to go to the amusement park with me?”

A pause.

“Seokmin?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Seokmin sounded a little wheezy, like he’d run a marathon in those last three seconds of silence. “What did you say?”

“I was asking if you wanted to go to the amusement park with me,” Joshua repeated, trying to keep his voice steady and calm. If he started having a breakdown at that moment, there was a good chance that Seokmin would say no. Maybe. Probably. 

Another pause.

“Seokmin?”

“Yes,” Seokmin replied, the word leaving him as a rush of air. “Sorry, hyung, there was just—something. I had something in my, uh, ear. But yes. I’d love to go to the amusement park with you next week.”

Joshua breathed a silent sigh of relief, the beginnings of a smile making the corners of his lips twitch upwards. “You would?”

“Yeah, of course I would!” Seokmin said a little too quickly, and then coughed. “I mean. Yes. You’re my favourite, how could I not?”

That made Joshua laugh, certain that Seokmin was teasing, just like how they always teased each other. “You’re my favourite too,” he said back, smiling. “Okay, in which case, I’ll book the tickets and text you the details, okay? Would you prefer Saturday or Sunday?”

“Any. We can even go both days so I can avoid Seungkwan’s trip, if you’d like,” Seokmin offered, and Joshua laughed again.

“Got it. Well, I guess it’s a date,” he said, too delighted at the prospect of spending time with Seokmin like this to fully process the words until they had left his mouth.

To his surprise, however, Seokmin didn’t seem to freak out, or pause for a scarily long time that made Joshua rethink his entire life’s decisions.

Instead, Seokmin laughed: a sweet, melting sound, all delicate and tiny, like little stars.

“I guess it’s a date,” he agreed, almost shy. Joshua didn’t get to dwell on it for long, though, because Seokmin was already launching into the next conversation topic that popped into his head, rambling about some new training regiment thing that Mingyu recently dragged him into that left him with an aching body for days on end.

And Joshua listened, the smile dancing across his lips, the blush warm on his cheeks, realising that he’d finally accepted that he was in love with Seokmin, now, and he wanted only one thing.

To stay close, by Seokmin’s side, and jump and fall right into his arms.

───────────── ‘✦,

“So that’s how I ended up securing this date,” Joshua finished, and Jeonghan stared at him, eyes wide, mouth open.

“You actually did it,” he said, the surprise evident in his tone. “Wow. I thought you’d chicken out again.”

Joshua punched Jeonghan in the shoulder, giving the man a wry smile. “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” he said dryly. “This isn’t even a real date, though. I don’t know why you insisted on coming to drop me off.”

The two of them were waiting outside the amusement park entrance, because Joshua had told Jeonghan that he’d booked the tickets for himself and Seokmin, and the man had instantly insisted that he’d drive Joshua there and hear all about how it had happened.

So here they were, chatting and standing around, waiting for Seokmin to arrive. 

Jeonghan shrugged. “I wanted to hear the story.”

“Of course you did,” Joshua said, not unkindly, a small smile raising the corners of his lips. “No but, also, I realised something, during that conversation.”

“What?”

“I had time to think it all over, right? And I was just thinking that I didn’t really want to run away from him,” Joshua explained. He smiled, his gaze distant. “I want to stay close to him. ‘Cause I really, really like him a lot.”

Jeonghan looked over at his best friend, noting the way his eyes had softened in the way they only did when he was thinking about Seokmin. He smiled to himself, before punching Joshua in the arm as payback, shaking the man out of his thoughts.

“Good,” Jeonghan said with a smile. “It’ll break Seokmin’s heart if you try to stay away from him.”

Joshua chuckled. “You’re saying that as if Seokmin has a crush on me.”

Jeonghan wiggled his eyebrows. “He might. Who knows? Maybe he’ll end up falling for your ridiculous charms today.”

Joshua laughed at that, properly, and then punched Jeonghan in the arm just because, prompting the two of them to get into a childish little punching fight. Eventually, Jeonghan conceded with a haughty sniff, as if he’d abruptly decided he was above such petty disputes.

Then he stuck his tongue out at Joshua, making him laugh.

“So, anyways,” Jeonghan said, simply carrying on with the previous conversation as if they’d never stopped, “remember. Seokmin likes the ferris wheel, so take him on it, will you? He might talk about it, but he’ll be too shy to offer to go on it, so you need to be the one who asks,” Jeonghan said.

“Why do I need to take him on the ferris wheel?”

“Because Seokmin wants it.”

“Oh.” Joshua thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. “Sure. I’ll do that. Anything else?”

Jeonghan hummed thoughtfully, before shrugging. “Nothing that you don’t know already. He loves the snacks. Buy the matching headbands if he so much as mentions them. Don’t go on any roller coasters unless he sounds like he wants to go on them. Make sure that you win him at least one plushie otherwise he’ll sulk for hours.”

Joshua smiled a little at that, because he really did know all of that already. “Got it. It’s a good thing I’m better than you at those fairground games, huh?”

He received another punch on the arm for that comment.

“Shua hyung!”

A bright, delighted voice made him look up, however, and when he finally pinpointed the voice, there was Seokmin, a brilliant beam on his face as he ran over to where Joshua and Jeonghan were standing, and Joshua’s heart positively swelled at the sight.

“Hi,” Seokmin said, a little breathless, when he finally came to a stop beside him. His eyes were shining. 

“Hi yourself,” Joshua said back, smiling. 

Seokmin beamed, before seeming to finally notice Jeonghan’s presence, looking over at the elder who was watching them with a slight smirk on his face. Almost imperceptibly, the smile on Seokmin’s face wavered.

“Oh, Jeonghan hyung. Are you, uh, joining us?” he asked. “Is it gonna be me, Shua hyung… and you?”

Jeonghan blinked, and then chuckled. “No, no. I just came to drop Joshua off, and make sure you arrived safely too. I wouldn’t want to impose on your date.” He patted Joshua on the shoulder, and then pinched Seokmin’s cheek, steadfastly ignoring the way both of them looked a little flushed. “Be safe, you two. Don’t stay out too late.”

“It’s an amusement park, not a club,” Seokmin laughed, and he eagerly waved Jeonghan off, already interlinking his arm with Joshua’s. “Bye, hyung! Drive safely!”

Joshua watched Jeonghan go, and had the pleasure of having a scarily intense conversation through eye contact with him, one that was mainly full of messages of Be good to him and You better take that leap today otherwise I’m coming after you before Joshua finally turned away.

Damn. Jeonghan really could be intimidating when he wanted to.

“Well,” Seokmin said brightly, making Joshua look over at him. He looked like he was glowing with excitement. “Shall we go in?”

His lips lifted upwards, a soft pink curve of happiness, and Joshua smiled too, using their linked arms to ever-so-subtly pull Seokmin just a little closer into his side.

───────────── ‘✦,

“Oh, hyung, look at that! Are those balloons? Are they selling balloons?”

Going to an amusement park with Seokmin, Joshua was quickly realising, was a lot like venturing into a sweet shop with an excitable child.

Chaotic.

Seokmin was a ball of energy, bouncing on his feet and vibrating by Joshua’s side the moment they entered. The golden-brown puppy ears of the headband he was wearing bobbed up and down with his movements as he dragged Joshua around the park by the hand, eagerly pointing towards the man selling large, obnoxious metallic balloons like they were the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Joshua just laughed, letting Seokmin pull him along, the ears of his own headband flopping against his head. He was wearing a headband too, because of course he was, because Seokmin had picked up the white bunny ears and claimed that they fit him so well, so who was Joshua to refuse?

They almost looked like a couple, with their adorable headbands. 

Thinking about it for too long made Joshua feel all squiggly and happy inside, though, so he tried not to think at all and instead let Seokmin do whatever he wanted.

“Can we buy one, Shua hyung? Please?” Seokmin asked, turning to Joshua with big, shining eyes, and really, it was like this entire day was trying to test whether Joshua really would never say no to Seokmin.

“Sure,” Joshua said, smiling when Seokmin’s eyes crinkled delightedly. “Which one do you want?”

Seokmin glowed. “That shiny strawberry one!”

And so, the rest of their date-not-date carried on. Joshua held onto the string of the strawberry balloon, following Seokmin around as the younger man bounced across the amusement park, hyped up on all the sugar that Joshua had been feeding him. Seokmin looked around the park with a child-like fascination, eyes big and round like he’d never been to an amusement park before, and it made Joshua laugh, endeared, offering Seokmin more candy floss and churros and letting Seokmin grab his wrist and pull him through the park.

“I haven’t been to an amusement park in ages,” Seokmin said to him when they were riding the carousel for the third time in a row. He leaned over to Joshua, bobbing up and down slowly on his horse, nudging the elder in the side with a grin. “Thank you for taking me here.”

“Of course,” Joshua replied, eyes crinkling, patting Seokmin on the back. “I’m glad you’re having fun.”

Seokmin’s eyes sparkled. The flashy golden lights of the carousel made him look like he was glowing from an ethereal light within as he beamed widely.

“I’m having the best time,” Seokmin confirmed. “Way better than Seungkwan will, anyway.” Joshua tilted his head with a smile.

“Oh?”

“I bet the others are suffering right now,” Seokmin confided gleefully, as his horse gently rose up and down. “Seungkwan managed to beg Junhui hyung and Chan to come with him.”

“Wait. They really went to the beach?” Joshua asked, surprised. 

“Mhm!” Seokmin nodded. “Kwan didn’t let Chan double-book himself, and then he went all sulky on Junhui until hyung caved. And then Hansol’s with him too, because duh.”

Joshua chuckled a little at that. “I can’t believe he went through with it. Well, it certainly is sunny today, so maybe they’ll still have a good time?”

Seokmin laughed. “It’s going to be so cold along the coast,” he said, delighted. “They’re gonna freeze!”

His obvious joy at their friends’ misfortunes was rather adorable, and it had Joshua laughing properly, the squeaky carousel music and Seokmin’s laughter ringing in his ears.

After they’d ridden the carousel thrice, Seokmin took Joshua to the photobooths, and then went hunting for more snacks, adamant about avoiding all the rollercoasters with a determined pout on his face that Joshua, devastatingly, thought was terribly cute. 

Joshua was content to allow Seokmin to dictate whatever they did, paying close attention to the younger’s expressions, dutifully carrying around that strawberry balloon, buying snacks, watching a rip-off ‘Punch and Judy’ puppet show with him, and taking all the pictures for Seokmin whenever he wanted.

That was what they were doing right now, the balloon string tied around Joshua’s wrist so he could use both hands to take pictures of Seokmin with the giant shiba inu plushie that Joshua had just won him.

It had taken him a good half hour along with an obscene amount of money, and he’d almost given up countless times, but Seokmin was vibrating so hopefully by his side, so he’d carried on. Even when the guy manning the coconut shy stall looked at him like he was mad for putting so much effort into a silly fairground game, the look of utter joy on Seokmin’s face when Joshua handed the plushie to him more than made up for the struggle.

And it seemed that it was yet another item to add onto the list of ‘Ridiculous Things That Joshua Hong Would Do For Lee Seokmin’.

“Oh, wow, you look adorable,” Joshua said, amazed, as he looked through the photos he’d taken of Seokmin. “Look. The colours of your headband’s ears match the plushie, too.”

Seokmin leaned over, chin resting on his shoulder as he peered at the photos. “Oh, you’re right!” He laughed delightedly as Joshua handed the camera back to him. “Thank you so much, Shua hyung. These are so pretty.”

Joshua chuckled. You’re prettier, he wanted to say, but he swallowed the words down, smiling. 

“It’s ‘cause the plushie is so pretty,” he teased, laughing as Seokmin glared at him. “Why? Do you not like it? Should I take the plushie away?”

Seokmin danced out of Joshua’s reach as the elder made as if to take the toy out of his arms. “No! No, never! You gave it to me, so it’s mine now,” he said, incredibly seriously, squishing the plushie protectively against his chest. “No take-backsies.”

He glared in faux anger, and Joshua laughed, relenting, putting his hands up placatingly. “Okay, okay, I won’t. Are you gonna give the plushie a name?”

“Hmm.” Instantly, the glare melted from Seokmin’s face, replaced by a thoughtful look as he drifted closer to Joshua again, patting the head of the shiba inu, bumping shoulders with him as he did so. “I’m not sure.”

“How about ‘Mingyu’?” Joshua suggested, grinning, chuckling when Seokmin elbowed him in the side. 

“Never. He doesn’t get the honour of having the same name as something that Shua hyung won me,” Seokmin said, pursing his lips thoughtfully as he held the shiba inu up. “How about Seokmin Junior?”

Joshua wrinkled his nose at that, shaking his head. “No. That’s a terrible idea.” 

Seokmin pouted, and Joshua just pinched his cheek affectionately, still thinking. He crossed his arms, and the movement made the metallic balloon (still tied to his wrist) shift too, the floating, bubblegum-pink strawberry balloon bumping against the side of his head. He looked over at it thoughtfully as he swatted it away.

“How about,” he said after a moment, “How about ‘Berry’?”

“Berry?” Seokmin repeated, and then looked at the plushie contemplatively. “Berry the shiba inu.” He looked up at Joshua, grinning. “I love it! It can be Berry the shiba inu.”

Joshua smiled, endeared by Seokmin’s sheer happiness as the younger hugged the plushie tight, pressing a kiss to its soft forehead. And then, because he couldn’t help it, he reached over and ruffled Seokmin’s hair fondly, and began to lead them away from the coconut stall.

“Alright. Where do you wanna go next, Seokmin?”

───────────── ‘✦,

They ended up in the line for the spinning teacups ride.

It was well and truly the afternoon now. They had been there since late morning, and Joshua’s feet kind of hurt from the amount of walking and standing they’d been doing, and even Seokmin was beginning to look a little uncomfortable as he shifted from foot to foot.

Nevertheless, neither of them suggested going back home, and Joshua couldn’t help but feel a little touched at the notion that Seokmin wanted to spend time as just the two of them just as much as Joshua did.

So here they were, patiently waiting in line, because Seokmin had suddenly gotten an eager, shining look in his eyes and insisted that he wanted to ride the spinning teacups even when Joshua had told him that it might make him sick. But Seokmin had been adamant, so here they were, leaning against the railing and watching the people getting into the teacups.

“Remember when we all went to the amusement park a few summers ago?” Seokmin was asking. He was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, vibrating. “It was so hot that day, and half of the rides had been shut down for maintenance, but we made the most of it.”

Joshua smiled a little. It had been a fun outing. They didn’t go out with all thirteen of them often, because it was a huge group of people to manage, but whenever they did, they split up into smaller groups for most of the day. 

“You weren’t in our group, unfortunately,” Seokmin carried on, a smile spreading across his face as he reminisced, “but, oh, I really wish you had been! Myungho lost a game of rock, paper, scissors and had to be the one to go on this teacup ride with Jeonghan a total of seven times in a row. Seven!”

Joshua laughed as Seokmin animatedly recounted the event, his eyes round and earnest as he delightedly told Joshua all about how queasy Minghao had felt afterwards and how as karma, later on, Jeonghan ended up getting utterly soaked on the water boat ride.

Seokmin always recounted every story like it was the most important thing in the world, with a sincerity that was rather adorable, and Joshua would be lying if he denied paying attention to the gentle curl of Seokmin’s lips and the way they softened into the most endearing pout as he formed certain words. 

He had a very soft mouth, Joshua thought idly. Despite the amount of talking Seokmin did, Joshua thought he had very kissable lips.

It would probably ruin a thousand things if he leaned in and kissed Seokmin right then and there, unfortunately, but oh, how much Joshua really, really wanted to.

Stars in his eyes, he watched as Seokmin talked animatedly, seemingly oblivious to the way that Joshua's entire inner monologue was nothing more than a chant of “please kiss me please kiss me please kiss me” repeating over and over again. 

“So,” Seokmin finished, clasping his hands together, and Joshua finally zoned back into his ramblings. “I’m hoping our experience goes better, hyung!”

Joshua blinked, having heard the words that Seokmin was saying but only able to think of how utterly adorable he looked with his eyes shining like that. So as Seokmin beamed, bright and beautiful, he just smiled, reaching over and pinching Seokmin’s cheek, endeared.

“Of course,” Joshua said, and then winked cheesily. “Don’t worry. I’m here to protect you, Min-ah.”

Seokmin stared at him, his gaze coloured with playful disgust and another emotion that Joshua couldn’t quite name. He was about to say something else before the line finally started moving again, and it was at last their turn.

“Oh, hyung! Hyung, it’s finally us!” Seokmin exclaimed, delighted, the earlier emotion completely dissolving, replaced by giddy excitement. “Come on, we gotta go sit in the cup that spins the most!”

Seokmin dragged Joshua into the teacup that he claimed he’d seen spin the fastest, and after the brief safety introductions, the ride finally began.

“We have to spin it as hard as we can, okay,” Seokmin said, incredibly seriously. “Okay, hyung? Can you do that?”

“Of course. Can you?” Joshua teased, and Seokmin rolled his eyes. 

“Duh! Hey, move over, you're taking up so much room on the wheel. Why are your hands so big?”

“As if you don't have huge hands too, Seokmin-ah—”

They bickered over having enough space on the wheel to spin it properly, but it didn’t take long for them to get going.

Seokmin relinquished control over the wheel a few seconds into the ride and Joshua ended up with both hands on it, spinning them around at a rate that was definitely not good for anyone's stomach because Seokmin kept on insisting they go as fast as possible even though he genuinely sounded close to tears and—well. This was the reason that Seokmin didn't go on rides often. 

He was screaming with laughter, mouth open wide and refusing to close, and Joshua hardly thought he was able to breathe with how much he was laughing. Seokmin’s hands had slipped from the wheel and had instead found purchase in Joshua's shirt, doing nothing other than clinging to him and curling into his side, still screaming the entire time, sounding like he was both scared out of his mind and having the time of his life.

“Seokmin? Seokmin! Should I slow down?” Joshua yelled, because the wind was whipping in his ears, and he was sure that they looked like utter idiots to anyone who was watching them in the line.

Seokmin just screamed even louder, eyes squeezed shut, shaking his head rapidly and holding Joshua’s shirt like a lifeline. “If you slow down, I’m going to kill you!”

Joshua just laughed, tugging the wheel so hard that he almost sprained his wrist, but it made Seokmin yelp and squeeze himself further into Joshua’s side, the screams dissolving into laughs, and the bright, overjoyed sound was all that filled Joshua’s ears. 

It was beautiful. Joshua was reminded, yet again, just how much he loved Seokmin’s laugh.

If it were up to him, then for as long as he lived, Joshua would make sure that Seokmin would always, always have a reason to laugh like this.

Eventually, the ride came to a stop, and Joshua let the wheel go, allowing the teacup to slow down at its own pace, the pink-fond chuckles lingering on his lips as Seokmin continued laughing, forehead pressed against Joshua’s shoulder.

“Oh, my God,” Seokmin breathed out in between giggles, breathless from how much he’d been laughing and screaming. “Wow.”

They exited the teacup, wobbling and stumbling around like baby deer on new, spindly legs, and Seokmin just giggled uncontrollably at his own uncoordinated state.

“We left the stuff over there, Seokmin,” Joshua said, staggering forward on unsteady feet towards where they’d left the shiba inu and the giant strawberry balloon and their headbands, because Seokmin had fretted that they'd lose them if they wore them on the teacups. 

He tugged on Seokmin’s arm, because the man was walking in the completely opposite direction. The younger stumbled into him with a giggle. 

“I knew that,” Seokmin laughed, and he sounded mildly drunk, the sound giddy and loud and making Joshua chuckle. As Seokmin grasped the balloon tied to the fence, however, he tripped on his feet, hands giving the balloon a sharp tug and suddenly, somehow, there was a loud pop as the balloon inexplicably burst in Seokmin’s hands.

They both jumped, and Seokmin stared wide-eyed at where the popped balloon pieces were scattered across the floor, plastic string in his hand, before turning to look at Joshua.

“Oh,” Joshua said, after a moment, and that was all it took for Seokmin to start giggling.

“It popped,” he laughed, almost in disbelief. “Hyung, the balloon popped!”

“What did you do?” Joshua asked, laughing a little as he shook his head, amazed. “How did you manage to pop the balloon just like that?”

Seokmin shrugged, giggles subsiding as he just grinned at the string in his hands. “I dunno. That’s so weird.” He pouted suddenly. “Aw, no, that means my strawberry balloon’s all gone.”

“There, there,” Joshua said consolingly, placing the puppy ears back on Seokmin’s head before picking up the plushie and handing it towards him too, beginning to lead them out of the spinning teacups area—albeit rather slowly, since they were both still wobbly on their feet. “But look, you still have Berry the shiba inu with you, don’t you?”

Instantly, Seokmin brightened, though it took a second for him to be able to hold the plushie without dropping it. He blinked his eyes hard several times, gaze focusing and unfocusing on the shiba inu as he pouted in concentration to get his vision steady again. Joshua could almost see the little cartoon birds flying in circles around his head as he kept a wobbly pace next to Joshua, grinning dopily down at the plushie before directing that same grin up at Joshua too.

Adorable.

It took several minutes, along with a good sitting-down session on a nearby bench, but eventually both of them stopped feeling like the world was being rattled around like a snow globe, and they sat side by side in comfortable silence as they watched the people walk by.

The sky was streaked with yellows now. It was nearing the end of the day, and Joshua calculated that they probably had time for one last game or snack before they eventually had to leave.

Then, his date-not-date with Seokmin would be over.

Hm. Joshua glanced over at Seokmin, heart twisting sadly. That was a sad thought.

“Seokmin,” Joshua said, nudging Seokmin in the side, “we’re gonna have to leave soon. Is there anything you want to do before we have to go?”

Seokmin turned to him, and Joshua had the wind knocked out of him for a second because wow, Seokmin was so pretty. The sun hadn’t dipped quite low enough for it to be classed as a sunset just yet, but the grey-yellow light across Seokmin’s face brought his cheekbones into sharp relief, silvery shadows being painted down his cheeks from his eyelashes every time he blinked, the soft shape of his mouth scrunched up in thought.

Humming contemplatively, Seokmin’s gaze slid away from him for a moment, and now that he was no longer staring right into the eyes of the most beautiful person on Earth, Joshua felt like he could finally breathe a little easier.

“Let’s do something that Shua hyung wants to do,” Seokmin said, smiling, and Joshua’s poor heart jumped into his throat once again. 

“Something that I want to do?” Joshua asked, a little croaky. “Do you not have anything that you want?”

Seokmin just shrugged, smiling, strands of hair falling into his eyes as he ducked his head. “We’ve been doing the stuff that I wanted to do all day,” he said. “We should do something that Shua hyung wants, too.”

Joshua’s lips quirked into a fond smile, and he resisted the urge to tell Seokmin that all he wanted was to see Seokmin happy.

Instead, he just pinched Seokmin’s cheek affectionately, and gazed out at the rest of the park, looking around for something that he’d like to do.

But, as always, his gaze drifted back to Seokmin again. Seokmin, who had his eyes fixed on one certain structure in the distance, looking at it almost wistfully, and Joshua remembered what Jeonghan had told him several hours before.

“How about the ferris wheel?” he suggested softly, and smiled a little at the way that Seokmin instantly whipped his head round to blink at him, wide-eyed.

“The ferris wheel?”

“Do you not want to?” Joshua asked, double-checking, because while he was 90% sure that Jeonghan would never feed him false information that would make Seokmin uncomfortable, it was always good to make sure that he was really okay with it. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No! No, I—I want to.” Seokmin swallowed, and there were stars in his eyes. “I wanna ride the ferris wheel with you, hyung.”

Joshua smiled, heart feeling full to bursting as he reached over and brushed away the hair that fell into Seokmin’s eyes. Then he held out his hand, smiling impossibly wider when Seokmin reached for him without the slightest hesitation.

“Come on, then. Let’s go.”

───────────── ‘✦,

The line for the ferris wheel was relatively short, given the fact that it wasn’t long before the amusement park shut for the day, and Joshua and Seokmin didn’t have to stand in line for long before it was their turn.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Joshua checked for the fifth time as they boarded the carriage. “It goes relatively high, Seokmin. If you don’t want to, then it’s fine.”

Seokmin laughed as they each sat down on a bench in the carriage. “I’m fine, I promise. I think it’s a bit too late to get off, anyways,” he said as the wheel slowly began moving. “Besides,” he added, a little shyer, “I really did want to ride the ferris wheel with you, hyung.”

Aw.

“Aw,” Joshua said out loud, and it came out more adoring and in-love than he’d intended. He coughed. “That’s so cute, Min-ah. You wanted to spend time with hyung like this, hm?” he tacked on, grinning teasingly and leaning forward to ruffle Seokmin’s hair and tug at the puppy ears of his headband in an attempt to mask his previous sincerity.

The younger man didn’t pull a face and try to lean away, however, unlike how he normally acted around Joshua’s exaggerated coddling. Instead, he just smiled, eyes crinkling, shoulders rising towards his ears bashfully, and he really looked like a small, shy puppy. 

“Yeah,” he said, the sunlight golden on his face. “Yeah, I did.”

The sun was very much beginning to set now. Yellow light was replaced by something warmer, and the coppery colours spilled in through the windows of their carriage as the wheel continued spinning them all the way to the top.

Joshua checked on Seokmin constantly, making sure that he wasn’t too scared by the heights, but the man seemed to genuinely be having a great time, staring out of the window with wide eyes, Berry the shiba inu sitting forgotten on the seat next to him. 

“It all looks so pretty,” Seokmin said, voice hushed in awe. “Look, hyung, you can see all the places we went to from up here!”

Joshua leaned over to look down at where Seokmin was pointing. “Oh, wow. We’re so high up.” He looked at Seokmin again. “Are you really sure that you’re okay?”

Seokmin laughed a little, raising his gaze to look at Joshua. The golden sunset spilled caramel-coloured light across his irises. 

“I’m really fine,” he promised, eyes crinkling. He reached out for Joshua’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “It’s okay, ‘cause Shua hyung's here with me, isn't he?”

He squeezed Joshua’s hand, once, and then turned back to the window, and Joshua’s ears positively burned.

The wheel spun them a total of three times, and on the third round, Seokmin finally leaned away from the window, sitting back in his seat and beaming at Joshua. Joshua blinked back, and tried to pretend that he hadn’t been gazing adoringly at him the whole time.

“Thank you for bringing me here today,” Seokmin said, all sweet and sentimental and sincere. “It’s been so much fun.”

“Of course,” Joshua responded simply, smiling. “I’m just glad you had fun, Seokmin.”

Seokmin beamed, then, and Joshua smiled back, and they sat there smiling at each other for a good few seconds longer before the ferris wheel creaked to a stop at the top of its rotation for the third and final time.

“Oh!” Seokmin’s eyes lit up, and he scrambled to reach for his phone. “We need to take our last pictures of the day before the ride finishes.” He nudged Berry to the side, and then patted the empty space next to him. “Shua hyung, come sit here.”

And so Joshua went, squishing between Seokmin and the plushie, and he’d barely had time to make himself comfortable before Seokmin was huddling even closer into his side, phone raised in front of their faces.

He let Seokmin bully him into as many different poses as he wanted, with v-poses and finger hearts and cute little pouty faces that were utterly adorable on Seokmin. Eventually, Seokmin lowered his phone, but before Joshua could get up and return to his own side of the carriage, Seokmin was holding his hand, interlacing their fingers to keep Joshua by his side.

Joshua looked down at their hands, and then up at Seokmin, but the younger just blinked innocently at him.

“The sunset looks so pretty,” Seokmin said suddenly, and Joshua looked behind him to follow Seokmin’s line of gaze.

And then he looked back at Seokmin, watching the sunset light his skin up gold.

“Very pretty,” he agreed.

Seokmin’s lips twitched up into an almost wistful smile, as his gaze slid away from the window to look at Joshua, eyes sparkling. 

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Seokmin said again, smiling. “I think it’s prettier because I’m here with you.”

Joshua chuckled, squeezing Seokmin’s hand once. “Of course,” he said, and Seokmin smiled even wider. “Anything you see will be prettier because of me, you know.”

Seokmin’s eyes crinkled. “Really?”

Joshua quirked a grin. “I’m just that handsome.” 

The wheel was slowly descending now, the warm sunset light dipping behind the tall amusement park structures, and Joshua had the most beautiful view of the rays brushing and fading away from Seokmin’s face.

“So,” Joshua continued, mesmerised by Seokmin’s smile, “I think you should only see these pretty things with me. So they’ll always look even prettier.”

His words hung suspended in the air, golden and full of eternal promise, and Seokmin’s eyes widened. Joshua’s eyes widened at his own words, too, stunned at how his internal thoughts had somehow escaped his lips, but every syllable rang true. He wanted to see these beautiful things with Seokmin and Seokmin alone.

“Shua hyung,” Seokmin whispered, eyes meltingly warm. And then he didn’t say anything else.

He truly was just so beautiful, Joshua thought. With his sunlight-clear smile and those eyes, big and glittering and crystalline: Seokmin’s eyes that captured Joshua’s own and kept him mesmerised, unable to do anything other than gaze adoringly as Seokmin did anything at all.

And those very same eyes were the ones holding Joshua in place right at that moment, so awed that he hadn’t even noticed that Seokmin had drawn closer. He was so close that there was merely a miniscule distance between them, and Joshua could count every one of Seokmin’s lashes again, so close he could see the way they fluttered nervously as he took a quiet breath in.

So close that eventually, the miniscule distance between them became no distance at all.

Seokmin kissed him, gently, slowly, a warm press of lips on lips that had Joshua simultaneously melting and freezing up because Seokmin was kissing him. Seokmin was kissing him.

And, oh, his lips truly did taste as soft as they looked.

It was heart-achingly sweet, and only Seokmin would have been able to kiss him so chastely and yet still make his brain crash and shut down because of it. He wanted to have Seokmin’s lips on his forever, to lick into his plush mouth and find out what Seokmin liked and what he adored, wanted to press him against the wall of the carriage and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him—

Seokmin pulled away, then, before Joshua even had a chance to pull him closer and kiss him in the way that he deserved.

He blinked, dazed, far too disoriented to even think of forming words, and it was a little crazy how Seokmin managed to render him utterly non-functional after such a brief kiss.

Only Seokmin, truly.

But he was staring at Joshua now, eyes bright and almost hopeful, and the terrible thing was that Joshua’s brain was still in its melting, post-’first kiss with the love of his life’ state, and he had no idea what Seokmin could be hoping for.

He coughed, licked his lips, heartbeat thrumming far too loudly in his head.

“Huh,” he said, incredibly eloquently. “Oh.”

It was an “Oh” of utter besottedness, Seokmin having successfully removed Joshua’s ability to form proper words, but it turned out to be the wrong thing to say because he watched, confused and worried, as the light slipped off of Seokmin’s face in an instant.

“Oh,” Seokmin echoed, but the syllable sounded utterly heartbroken as it fell from his lips. “Oh, no.”

Joshua blinked as Seokmin backed away, scrambling to kick-start his brain back into action. “Wait,” he said. “Wait, wh—”

“I’m so sorry,” Seokmin rushed out, and he dropped Joshua’s hand like he’d been burned. “Sorry, sorry, please forget about that, I’m so sorry, I—”

“Wait,” Joshua said again, still not quite comprehending what was going on. “Seokmin-ah, you don’t n—”

He tried to move forward, and Seokmin instantly stumbled back, plastering himself against the back wall of the carriage. It rocked slightly, swinging back and forth, but still Seokmin stayed against the wall, like he wanted to be as far away from Joshua as possible.

“Sorry,” Seokmin said, yet again. “I just— You took me out for this whole day, and I thought— But then I— And then you didn’t— So obviously you don’t feel like that and I’m just so, so, so sorry. I’m so sorry, hyung, please just forget that happened.”

And oh, now Joshua realised, and his eyes widened in panic, because Seokmin had gotten everything completely wrong.

“No, wait, Seokmin, no, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Seokmin didn’t seem to hear him, continuing to babble apologies over and over again, the syllables blurring together as his eyes also seemed to blur with tears. 

This was really, really not good. Seokmin had leaned in and kissed him, and what had Joshua done? He’d just sat there and let himself be kissed, and when Seokmin pulled away, he’d done nothing but mumble a small “Oh” that could have been interpreted in a whole range of different ways.

And Seokmin had interpreted it in the worst way possible.

Joshua opened his mouth, and had half a mind to just surge forward and kiss Seokmin again to show him the truth when the carriage door swung open, and the park attendant was standing in the doorway and politely asking for them to leave.

Instantly, Seokmin took the opportunity to grab Berry and lunge past him to make his escape, and Joshua wanted to wring his hands together in desperation.

“Seokmin!” Joshua called out, almost tripping over his feet in his haste to exit the carriage. “Seokmin, I— Wait!”

He caught up with Seokmin as he was speed-walking through the park back towards the entrance, resting a hand on his shoulder and hating how Seokmin instantly flinched back.

“Hyung, please—”

“Seokmin,” Joshua said, softly. “Listen to me.”

Seokmin visibly swallowed, holding Berry tight. His eyes were big, almost looking like they were turning down at the edges and, coupled with the ears headband he was still wearing, he looked far too much like a devastated puppy that Joshua felt his heart tighten in his throat.

“Seokmin,” Joshua started again. “You don’t have to feel bad about it. I… I didn’t mind it.”

Joshua smiled gently, but to his horror, Seokmin’s eyes began to well up with tears.

“I really am sorry for what I did, hyung,” he said, voice wobbly. “You don’t have to say those things to try and make me feel better. I’m okay. It’s okay. I know that what I did was wrong so please—please just leave me alone.”

And with that, he stepped back, and began to make a dash towards the park entrance again, leaving Joshua standing there, dumbfounded.

“Wh—Seokmin!”

Seokmin didn’t listen to him. He continued speeding towards the entrance as Joshua called out to him, even as groups of people blocked his path and he walked into a small child more times than he could count.

How had Seokmin managed to misunderstand what Joshua was saying so, so horribly? With a helpless sigh, Joshua watched as Seokmin disappeared around the corner, before promptly apologising to the little girl he’d bumped into and beginning to follow Seokmin again.

Joshua managed to get to the amusement park entrance at last, just as Seokmin seemed to be trying to leave without talking to him at all.

“Seokmin,” Joshua said desperately, jogging up until he was standing in front of him, preventing Seokmin from walking off into the late evening. “Please, listen to me. You don’t have to feel all guilty like this. Let me—”

“Hyung, it’s okay,” Seokmin said, cutting him off yet again, and Joshua wanted to cry in desperation.“It’s okay, Shua hyung, I’m okay. You don’t have to try and comfort me.”

“No, Seokmin, listen, I actually—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Seokmin said, and tried to smile, but his voice trembled too much for it to seem genuine. “I’m so sorry for doing that to you. I’m really sorry, so I hope you don’t feel too d-disgusted.”

His voice hiccupped on the last word, and oh, Seokmin was properly crying now, the sadness spilling out of the corners of his eyes and dimming their shine.

Joshua had made him cry. 

“Just let me go home, hyung, please,” Seokmin said, quiet, and the soft begging tone in his voice made Joshua’s heart plummet to the depths of the Earth.

He swallowed thickly. “At least come home with me and Jeonghan,” he said, giving up on trying to talk to Seokmin about this. “I don’t want you going home by bus, all by yourself. Especially when you’re like this.”

Seokmin didn’t say anything for a long moment, and then nodded, lips pressed tight together as the tears continued silently spilling down his cheeks.

It made Joshua’s throat feel tight. Unthinkingly, he reached over and brushed at the wetness under Seokmin’s eyes, flinching back when Seokmin skittered away at his touch. 

“Sorry,” he whispered, voice thick. Seokmin didn’t reply.

They walked back to the entrance, and Joshua texted Jeonghan to let him know they were finished and wanted to go home. And then, with nothing left to do, they loitered around, waiting for Jeonghan to arrive, a stiff silence falling between them.

There was a great deal that Joshua wanted to say, countless words to explain himself and tell Seokmin just how terribly, terribly in love he was with him. 

This was all a terrible misunderstanding, he wanted to say, and he was totally okay with the kiss. More than okay, and in fact, he wanted nothing more than to kiss Seokmin again and again for all of eternity.

He looked up at Seokmin, who was quivering a few feet away from him, clutching the plushie like a lifeline as he stared resolutely out at the car park. A chill was setting in now that the sun had gone down, but Joshua knew that Seokmin’s shivers had less to do with the cold and more to do with something else.

Couldn’t Seokmin see? Just how much he had Joshua wrapped around his finger? Had him clinging to every syllable that fell from his lips, every twinkle of his eye, every bright, ringing laugh?

It was truly bewildering, how Seokmin apparently had no idea. Joshua wanted to explain this to him, wanted to tell him just how deeply he'd managed to fall for him, but the feelings of warmth and light and clean-cut gold were far too big and precious for words. 

He wanted to try, because he truly would do anything for Seokmin, but right now, there was no point. Not when Seokmin wasn’t in a state to truly understand.

Jeonghan arrived some minutes later, pulling up near the park entrance, and Seokmin wordlessly climbed into the shotgun seat while Joshua sat in the back. Jeonghan beamed, entirely oblivious to the tense atmosphere.

“So, how did your day go?” he asked, all pleasant. “Did you guys have fun?”

Seokmin simply buried his face into the plushie.

“Can you just take me home, please?” Seokmin whispered, voice muffled, but there was no way that Jeonghan wouldn't have been able to hear the tears in his voice. 

Jeonghan’s expression changed, and instantly, he eyed Joshua in the rearview mirror, his gaze a searing accusation. Joshua just winced helplessly, and hoped that the desperation in his eyes could help soften Jeonghan’s glare just a little.

Jeonghan narrowed his eyes, before turning to Seokmin again, gaze softening. “I like your headband,” he said gently, tugging at one brown puppy ear. “They suit you.”

Seokmin didn't look up from the shiba inu. He gave a small, wet sniff. 

Jeonghan looked back at Joshua, observing the white bunny ears headband which were on his head, and then the pieces in his head began to click together, and he raised an eyebrow questioningly.

Joshua just stared back.

Pulling out away from the amusement park, Jeonghan glanced over at Seokmin and then at Joshua through the mirror again, before giving a sigh. The “I’ll talk to Seokmin” was clear in his eyes, and Joshua’s shoulders sagged in relief.

Whilst Joshua really, really wanted to talk this over with Seokmin himself, he knew that Seokmin wasn’t in the right headspace to listen to him. But still, there was a chance that he would be able to listen to his beloved Jeonghan hyung who, hopefully, would be able to express a calm thought process that Seokmin would listen to, even if he wasn’t willing to listen to Joshua.

That was okay, though. Because Joshua didn't even know how he would express his thoughts, other than perhaps screaming “I really really like having your lips on mine and I kind of want to kiss you forever”, and he thought that that maybe wasn't the best way to explain how he felt. 

Thank you, he said with his eyes, when Jeonghan looked back at him again.

Jeonghan just nodded once, and looked over at Seokmin again before turning back to the road. 

The car was silent for the entire ride back.

───────────── ‘✦,

“I’m already on it,” Joshua said, when he opened the door to Jeonghan standing on his doorstep the next morning.

Jeonghan blinked, and then shut his mouth with an audible click, nodding approvingly and stepping into Joshua’s apartment. “Good,” he said. “I’m proud of you, Joshuji.”

Last night, Jeonghan had dropped Joshua off home first, with a silent message of “We’ll talk tomorrow” in his eyes. It had been clear that Jeonghan had wanted to spend that evening talking with Seokmin first, which Joshua thought was a good idea since Seokmin had definitely been the most visibly distressed out of them.

Even now, though it had been over twelve hours since Joshua had last seen him, the memory of Seokmin’s tears still made his chest feel tight.

As it was, he hadn’t had the chance to talk to Jeonghan until today. That didn’t mean he hadn’t been busy thinking of ways to resolve this whole situation, though.

“You need to make things up to him as soon as possible,” Jeonghan said as he took off his shoes. 

“I know. That's why I'm already on it.”

Jeonghan nodded again, mildly pleased, before his face melted back into a frown. 

“Still, I wanna say that you’re both idiots,” he informed him. “Both you and Seokmin. Utter idiots.”

“Thanks,” Joshua remarked dryly, and walked back into the kitchen, Jeonghan trailing behind him. 

“You’re welcome. So you better be planning a really good thing to make it up to Seokmin, because otherwise—oh my God. Are you baking?”

Jeonghan stood there, surprised, looking at the mixing bowl and the bags of sugar and flour and the baking trays, lined with greaseproof paper, neatly placed on the table as everything else overflowed across Joshua’s counter.

Joshua grinned, pleased at Jeonghan’s surprise. “Strawberry and chocolate chip cookies,” he said, picking up the mixing bowl again. “Seokmin’s favourite.”

“Huh.” Jeonghan smiled, nodding approvingly. “Good choice.” He sat down at the table, watching as Joshua continued mixing the cookie batter.  

“I know,” Joshua said, a little proud, looking up from the bowl to smile at Jeonghan, all bashful and dusty pink cheeks. “I figured that they might help cheer him up.”

Cute, Jeonghan thought, and then his heart melted at the idea of Joshua baking for Seokmin. There was something so domestic about that, and he knew that Seokmin would really love it.

Seokmin had been utterly distraught yesterday, tears quietly streaming down his face as he recounted the “disastrous” events in a wobbly voice. Jeonghan had feared the worst: Seokmin, for all his gentleness and emotional openness, still hated to cry around other people. So for him to burst into tears in front of Joshua and Jeonghan, it meant that something truly terrible had happened, and Jeonghan was more than ready to (get Seungcheol to) gently beat up Joshua for being the cause of his tears.

Jeonghan thought it would be something horrific, like Joshua had… well, done something really bad. He hadn’t actually had an idea of what Joshua could have done, but he’d been terrified all the same.

He had definitely not been prepared for what Seokmin had told him instead.

“What’re you gonna do with the cookies?” Jeonghan asked, leaning forwards as Joshua set down the bowl, looking for spoons to use to scoop the batter onto the trays.

“I’m going over to his place today,” Joshua said, rummaging through the drawers. “And I’m going to talk this out with him. No matter what it takes.”

Jeonghan tilted his head, smiling a little, a curious sense of pride swelling up inside of him. “No matter what it takes?”

“No matter what it takes,” Joshua confirmed, turning back to face Jeonghan, spoons in hand. “I won’t run away anymore. Seokmin deserves to know that I love him too.”

“I definitely think so,” Jeonghan said, and his tone was dry but his smile was warm. “Especially considering the fact that he kissed you yesterday and then proceeded to have a breakdown because you didn’t kiss him back.”

Joshua winced. “Let’s not talk about last night.”

Jeonghan shrugged. “I think it was a good bonding experience.”

“I don’t need a bonding experience. Seokmin and I are already friends.” Joshua furrowed his eyebrows. “How was that a good bonding experience, anyway?”

“Hey, at least now you know that Seokmin’s as pathetically in love with you as you are with him,” Jeonghan pointed out. “I think you should look on the bright side, Joshuji.”

“I think you’re talking too much,” Joshua said, waving the spoons beratingly at Jeonghan. “If you’re gonna be in my home, then you need to help me. Come on, get some spoons and make the cookies with me. Why are you even here, anyway?”

Jeonghan begrudgingly stood up, rolling up his sleeves. “I came here to see whether I needed to beat you up or not.”

Joshua snorted. “You and those noodle arms?”

“I was assessing the situation first,” Jeonghan said, and sniffed disdainfully. “If you didn’t show evidence that you were trying to make amends instantly, I would have.”

“Good thing I was making cookies then.”

“Exactly. I also came to check up on you, though,” Jeonghan added more sincerely. “To see how you were doing after being kissed by the love of your life.”

That made Joshua chuckle, beginning to spoon the batter onto the trays laid out on the table. He nudged Jeonghan in the side, a silent demand for him to start helping, and Jeonghan reluctantly complied.

“I’m fine. I had my entire worldview altered because apparently Seokmin likes me back, but other than that, I’m doing great,” Joshua said with a grin, and Jeonghan laughed.

“See? A good bonding experience.”

Joshua shook his head, still smiling. “Yeah. A great bonding experience. 0/10, would definitely recommend.”

The sarcasm made Jeonghan laugh again, looking over at his best friend as he diligently bent down over the baking tray, making cookies for the person he was in love with, big hands having turned soft with gentleness and care. 

Joshua’s hair was all over the place, as if he’d rolled out of bed and then immediately started making cookies for Seokmin without even stopping once. Half of his bangs were falling in his eyes but he hardly seemed to notice, and he straightened up to blink at Jeonghan, who was standing there with the spoons unmoving in his hands.

“If you don’t want to help, then you can just say so,” Joshua said wryly, eyes twinkling. “Though Seokmin might be heartbroken when I tell him that his favourite hyung didn’t help make the cookies.”

Jeonghan snapped out of his reverie, busying himself with helping Joshua. “You’re Seokmin’s favourite hyung. You know that,” he retorted, a little sulkily. Though he’d long ago accepted it, he was still a little annoyed that Joshua had stolen one of his dongsaengs from him.

“Nonsense. He was your friend before he was mine, wasn’t he?”

“That means nothing,” Jeonghan said dismissively, waving a spoon around and accidentally flinging cookie dough into the wall. “Whoops. Anyway, you’ve been Seokmin’s favourite since day one, Shuji. Surely you know that.”

Joshua sighed long-sufferingly at the spoonful of wet mixture sliding down his wall. “You’re cleaning that up later.”

“Sure. But seriously, he’s always been in love with you. I promise.” Jeonghan punched Joshua lightly in the arm. “Why are you thinking so much about this, anyway? You know that he loves you.”

“Hm.” Joshua twisted his lips thoughtfully, and he gazed off into the distance, eyes going melty soft and Jeonghan just knew that he was thinking about Seokmin. 

Disgusting, Jeonghan thought affectionately. It reminded him of the way that Seokmin’s eyes never failed to shine just a little brighter whenever he thought of or talked about Joshua, even when he was in tears. These two truly were made for each other.

“Seokmin thinks the world of you, you know,” Jeonghan said gently. “He always has. Ever since he first met you.”

Joshua’s face, somehow, melted even further at that. Jeonghan had been worried that his silence was a sign of insecurities creeping in, a sign of his hesitancy to continue taking that leap for Seokmin, but Joshua’s face was softening into the softest, sweetest smile, and Jeonghan knew that there was nothing that could deter Joshua now.

“Well,” Joshua said, light and full of love, “It’s a good thing that I think the world of him too.”

───────────── ‘✦,

It was some hours later that Joshua ended up on Seokmin’s doorstep, wondering whether he should ring the doorbell or lift his hand and knock.

Jeonghan had shooed him out of the apartment (Joshua’s own apartment) with a pat on the head and a half-serious threat to “Go make out with Seokmin or there will be consequences”, pushing the basket into his hands and telling him to just be himself.

Apparently Seokmin liked that, or something.

So Joshua now stood at Seokmin’s doorstep, resisting the urge to rock back and forth on his heels as he contemplated which would be the best way to drag Seokmin out of his wallowing.

He hadn't been nervous when Jeonghan had come over, too focused on making Seokmin his favourite cookies and thinking about how he needed to make Seokmin not sad as soon as possible, but now that he was here, he had to admit that there were definitely a few butterflies in his stomach.

Confessing to the love of your life was no easy task, after all. 

But, like always, Joshua would do anything for Seokmin, anything at all, so after taking a deep breath, he raised his hand and pressed the doorbell.

It took a few moments, but the door eventually clicked open to reveal Seokmin, sleepily rubbing his eyes, nose scrunching adorably as he suppressed a big yawn.

“Jeonghan hyung, I told you, I’m f…”

His voice trailed off as he realised who was standing at his door, and his eyes widened, the sleepiness falling away from his face almost instantly. Joshua smiled, a little awkwardly, giving Seokmin a wave.

“Hello.”

Seokmin stared at him, and then began to slowly edge behind his door, hiding behind it until only his face was visible. “You… You’re not Jeonghan hyung.”

“I’m not,” Joshua agreed, and his heart twisted at how Seokmin had instantly retreated away once he learned that it was Joshua at his door. “Is it okay if I come in? I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday.”

Clutching the edge of the door a little tighter, Seokmin squeaked out a small “Oh dear” that Joshua had a feeling he hadn’t meant to say aloud.

“Maybe we shouldn’t?” Seokmin suggested meekly. He retreated further behind the door, hiding away so that Joshua couldn’t see his face anymore. “Maybe… Maybe that’s not a good idea.”

Joshua bit his lip. “Please?” he asked. “I even baked you cookies. If you want them.”

A pause. And then Seokmin slowly peeked out from behind the door, eyes widening in surprise as he noticed the basket in Joshua’s hands before his gaze dropped to the floor again. He shook his head.

“Please just go. Shua hyung, please let me—Let me deal with this by myself first,” Seokmin said softly.

It sounded so gentle and reasonable when he said it like that, and Joshua would have believed it, would have accepted it, if he didn’t know Seokmin as well as he did. But Joshua did know him, knew him like the soul that fit perfectly against his own, and he knew that Seokmin was using this as an excuse to wallow in his sadness. He’d only make himself more miserable if Joshua let him be.

“Please,” Joshua said again, pleading. “I think we should talk about this. Please, will you let me in?”

Seokmin swallowed but didn’t say anything, gaze still directed at Joshua’s shoes rather than his face. His fingers pressed into the side of the door as he clung to it, still not quite opening it fully, but Joshua felt a little comforted by the fact that Seokmin was considering it.

“Min-ah,” Joshua said softly, ducking his head to get Seokmin to meet his gaze. Seokmin blinked in surprise, but he didn’t look away. Joshua straightened slowly, and smiled as Seokmin continued to keep his eyes on him. “Please. I’m not mad about what happened, I promise. I just think that you and I need to talk. Please, Min-ah?”

Seokmin’s eyes widened even further at the nickname, a splotchy blush reddening the apples of his cheeks in a way that was still utterly endearing in Joshua’s eyes. And then he nodded, opening the door wider. “Okay. Okay… you can come in.”

Joshua smiled again, a smile of relief as he stepped into Seokmin’s apartment, clutching the basket of cookies in his hands. 

“It’s a little messy,” Seokmin said, a little sheepishly as he led Joshua through the apartment. “I wasn’t really expecting anyone. I didn’t think anyone would come over.”

“That’s okay. I wanted to check up on you.”

Seokmin looked over at Joshua, too many colours swirling in his irises before he blinked rapidly and looked away,

“Oh. Thank you.”

As Seokmin led them to sit on his couch, however, Joshua realised that he hadn't really planned what he was going to say. Which, in hindsight, he really should have done, but it was too late to wonder about that now. 

And besides, he was talking with Seokmin. The right words would find their way to him, especially if he was trying to confess to the love of his life. 

“So… cookies,” Joshua started, and then held the basket out to Seokmin. He smiled a little. “They're your favourites.”

Seokmin gasped, momentarily seeming to forget his apprehension at Joshua’s visit as his eyes widened, taking the basket from him and peeking inside. “Strawberry and chocolate chip cookies?”

“Strawberry and chocolate chip cookies,” Joshua confirmed, resisting the urge to laugh at Seokmin's adorably awed expression. “And don’t worry. I made sure that they won’t give you food poisoning.

Seokmin, already stuffing a cookie in his mouth, gave a petulant huff. “Hyung, that was one time.”

Joshua laughed, unable to stop the delighted warmth bubbling up inside him as the natural cadence of their interactions came peeking through, Seokmin relaxing now that he had something sweet in his mouth. Seokmin looked up at him, a little surprised, before his face melted and brightened at the same time, eyes crinkling.

“So,” Joshua said, still smiling, “I was hoping that we could talk about yesterday.”

At that, Seokmin’s expression changed, and he slowly swallowed. He rubbed at his cheeks, attempting to brush away the crumbs and only kind-of succeeding.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Joshua rushed to carry on, before Seokmin’s face fell even further and Joshua’s heart fell along with it. “I’m sorry for how terribly our day at the amusement park ended.” He gestured to the basket. “The cookies were kind of an apology present to try and make up for it.”

“Oh,” Seokmin said softly. “No… It’s—It’s okay, hyung. It was kind of my fault, anyway,” he added, laughing a little stiltedly. “I was the one who, well, you know.”

Seokmin bit his lip then, teeth sinking into the softness of his bottom lip, and Joshua remembered with startling clarity how his own mouth had been over Seokmin’s less than twenty-four hours ago.

Joshua blinked rapidly, trying to dispel his thoughts so he could focus on the conversation at hand.

“It was just me being an idiot. You don’t need to apologise, Shua hyung,” Seokmin said, attempting to smile. “It was all my fault. I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t, though,” Joshua said, taking a breath. Seokmin was still biting his lip, a nervous habit, and it was kind of cute and wholly distracting and it took everything in Joshua to keep his gaze on Seokmin’s warm, warm eyes rather than on his soft, soft lips. “Min-ah, it’s okay.”

He smiled, then, as gently and as reassuringly as he could, putting on his prettiest smile for Seokmin to try and comfort him.

Seokmin’s eyes widened and softened at the same time, before he looked away. “Please don’t look at me like that,” he said, all mumbly. There were still crumbs on his cheeks, and Joshua wanted to lean over and dust them away.

“Like what?” he asked, before giving in to the urge and brushing a finger over Seokmin’s cheeks, wiping at the crumbs. And then, using that same finger, he guided Seokmin’s chin towards him so they were facing each other again. “How am I looking at you?”

Seokmin huffed a little, and pouted. “Like… I dunno,” he said, cheeks turning red, “like you love me. Like—Like you didn’t actually mind the… the thing.”

Joshua’s gaze softened, and he lowered his hand to find Seokmin’s knee instead, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “What if that’s true? What if I didn't mind the kiss?”

Seokmin was shaking his head before Joshua could even finish speaking. “Don’t say things like that, hyung,” he pleaded, almost a whine. “I’m sorry for kissing you yesterday, I really am. I promise, it won’t happen again.”

“What? No,” Joshua said, a little mystified, wondering where on Earth Seokmin had gotten the idea that he didn’t want it to happen again. “No, Seokmin, I want it to happen again. I want you to kiss me again. And again, and again. Forever, essentially.”

“Wait.” Seokmin’s face scrunched up, confused, and goodness, Joshua was hit with the fact that he truly did adore him. “What?”

“I like you,” Joshua said, the three golden words leaving his lips and spinning through the air, and he could almost hear the magical ding as they landed like little chimes in Seokmin’s ears. “I like you, Seokmin. You and your smile and your kindness and your gentleness and the way you make me feel so happy, always. I like you so much, and especially your laugh—” Joshua took a breath, feeling the flush rising up his cheeks— “Oh, I love your laugh, Seokmin. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world.”

Seokmin’s eyes had steadily widened the longer Joshua had carried on, and there was that familiar, warm, beautiful shine in his irises once more, all full of hope. “Really?”

“Yeah, really,” Joshua laughed, smiling widely. “I like you. I love you. I adore you. All of those things. I think you’re wonderful, truly, and it’s like my heart belongs only to you.”

And then, his Seokmin-owned heart made a little whooshing sound as Seokmin’s eyes rounded, and Joshua couldn’t help but laugh. It was kind of incredible, how saying those words didn’t feel like taking a leap, like jumping and hoping that when he fell, someone would catch him.

Rather, it felt like coming home.

Seokmin’s frame melted, the biggest pout forming on his face as his whole body relaxed, seemingly just as comforted by Joshua’s confession as he was. His irises looked a little shiny as he blinked, hard.

“You love me,” Seokmin said, almost to himself, like he couldn’t believe it, all tiny and adorable. And then he looked up at Joshua again, face crumpling into something between a pout and a giddy smile. “Oh my god, you love me.”

He said it in an almost awed way, words getting all blubbery-sentimental and he held out his arms, reaching for a hug that Joshua instantly gave him, smiling as Seokmin wrapped his arms around his neck to bring him even closer, burying his face into Joshua’s shoulder. Seokmin was always so warm and lovely but right now he seemed even more so, melting into Joshua’s arms, the thumping of his heartbeat matching the cadence of Joshua’s own. 

He nuzzled even closer into Joshua's shoulder, making small, content noises into his shirt, and Joshua could feel something in his chest bursting into a spray of cerulean blue joy. 

“I love you,” Joshua said again, just because, just to marvel at how light and perfect those three words felt. “I love you.”

Seokmin pulled away, arms still looped around Joshua’s neck, eyes shining brighter than the brightest, sunniest summer day. “I love you too,” he breathed, and then he laughed—that soft, beautiful laugh that Joshua loved far too much. “I love you. I’ve always really, really liked you, truly. So much. Ever since we met.”

Joshua chuckled a little, tilting his head. “Since we met? That’s a long time.”

“I know,” Seokmin said, almost whining, and it had Joshua laughing again. “You have no idea how hard it was to be loving you for so long. You’re so loveable, hyung. I can’t help but just—love you. Always.”

“I can’t help but love you too,” Joshua said back, and it was incredible how those words managed to make Seokmin’s smile light up even further. He leaned forward and nudged his nose affectionately against Seokmin’s, adoring the delighted giggle that it elicited from him. “You can ask Jeonghan, if you’d like. He’ll tell you how pathetically in love I’ve been with you for weeks.”

“Weeks? Hyung, I’ve been in love with you forever, I swear,” Seokmin said, and the earnest truthfulness of his words made Joshua’s heart swell, hands tightening around Seokmin’s waist. 

“I think I’ve been in love with you before I even knew that’s what it was,” Joshua returned, just to try and one-up him, and laughed softly at the affectionate huff that Seokmin let out.

“Whatever you say,” Seokmin said, playfully rolling his eyes before beaming at Joshua again. His arms were still around Joshua’s neck, his weight still pressed comfortably in Joshua’s lap, and as he continued beaming at him, it was like Joshua's vision was filled with nothing but the gentlest, prettiest, most breathtaking golden light. 

He could have stayed like that forever, actually, with Seokmin in his lap, his weight draped over him like a sure and solid promise, positively glowing with happiness despite the fact that he'd looked close to tears not even 24 hours ago. 

It made him realise that Seokmin really did love him, had loved him forever, and thinking about it like that made him short circuit because oh—

Seokmin loved him. 

And they were just smiling at each other, smiling and grinning and smiling like a pair of idiots and it was all because Seokmin loved Joshua just as much Joshua loved him. 

As if he knew all of Joshua's thoughts, Seokmin smiled even wider, eyes crinkling happily, and Joshua knew that he really would do anything to see Seokmin smile like that forever. His lips were stretched wide, emanating light, and happiness truly did look so beautiful on him. 

Joshua wanted to kiss him.

Oh. He hadn't kissed Seokmin yet. How had he not kissed Seokmin yet? 

He needed to kiss him. Right now. 

“Can I kiss you?” Joshua blurted out, completely out of the blue, and he would admit that it wasn't the best way to ask for a kiss, but Seokmin always made him do weird and awkward things. 

Seokmin blinked in surprise, a blush rapidly rising up his face, but he nodded almost immediately. 

“Yeah!” he said, the eagerness clear in his tone before he blushed even further, shoulders rolling inwards shyly. “I mean. Yes. Yes please.”

And then he beamed, his expression so open and loving and filled with wonderful golden light that Joshua couldn't help but smile too, leaning in closer, one hand releasing Seokmin's waist to slip upwards and cup his cheek, brushing a thumb over the smooth softness of his cheekbone. 

“Beautiful,” Joshua whispered, quiet, and could feel the blush that spread across Seokmin's face as he adjusted his hand, held him more firmly and finally connected their lips in a kiss. 

And, oh, this kiss was even better than that first one they'd shared. The instant Joshua kissed him, Seokmin melted impossibly further into him, hands threading through his hair to bring him even closer, soft lips pressing against soft lips. 

It was dizzyingly sweet. Seokmin tasted like strawberries and chocolate and sunlight, and when Joshua gently nipped at that plush bottom lip, his heart positively soared at the small noise that Seokmin let out, easily opening up so Joshua could kiss him as deeply and as fully as they both desired.

Seokmin twisted his hands in Joshua’s hair, kissing him even deeper, and it made him laugh into Seokmin’s mouth, his head feeling all happy and bubbly light. Seokmin laughed too, an automatic response to the sound of Joshua’s happiness, and they ended up smiling into each other’s mouths rather than actually kissing once they finally parted.

Joshua opened his eyes, watching as Seokmin still kept his eyes shut, drawing back with an adoring smile on his face like he wanted to treasure the moment.

It was so heart-achingly endearing that Joshua leaned in to press a light kiss to Seokmin’s mouth, smiling as Seokmin’s eyes fluttered open at last, a white-gold shine making his irises glow.

“Oh,” Seokmin said, soft, his kissed-pink lips spreading into a wide smile. He still had his hands in Joshua’s hair, still had his knees spread over Joshua’s lap, and he looked so beautiful. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Joshua echoed, amused, the hand on Seokmin’s cheek moving to brush away stray hairs as they fell into his face. “What’s up?”

Seokmin’s eyes just shone even brighter. “You love me,” he said, and he sounded so happy that Joshua laughed again, so in love that his heart felt like it was floating towards the heavens as Seokmin continued to look at him with all the awe and wonder in the world.

“Yes, Min-ah,” he said, devastatingly fond, and Seokmin scrunched his nose in a way that was just so endearing, very clearly delighted by the nickname. “I love you.” 

Seokmin beamed adorably wide and launched himself back into Joshua’s arms again, clumsily pressing a kiss to Joshua's cheek before burying his face into his shoulder, and Joshua could feel him grinning with happiness. 

Joshua had jumped towards Seokmin, taken that leap, but instead of falling, he’d floated right back up towards the sun instead. 

In fact, it hadn’t even felt like falling, he mused, as Seokmin drew away from his shoulder, smiling shyly before leaning in and kissing Joshua softly once more. 

He cupped Seokmin’s face, kissing him again and again until they were smiling so hard that they couldn’t kiss properly anymore, and yet they still tried, smiling lips meeting smiling lips over and over, the taste of sunlight sitting gently on Joshua’s tongue like that was where it belonged.

Perhaps, Joshua thought, it was because Seokmin had been beside him all along. All he had to do was walk right into Seokmin's arms, right into Seokmin who already had, and always would, adore him with the entirety of his heart.

And oh, how Joshua adored him too.

thanku for reading! pls rb w a comment if you liked this :)

taglist: @my-moarmy-heart @ofcoursewhynotmongyu @cottoncheol @i-dont-give-a-fok @leigh-darling @belladonna-is-alive @weird-bookworm @dokyluvie @isabellah29 @bangantokchy @ahuiahoe @yooboointhemood @animesoul2021 @official-eunwoo

[lilyofthesword-writes]

What Should Be - Part 1 (Batman)

Summary: You have a loving family, a cozy home, a great job - What more could a person ask for? But what do you do when an injured man dressed as a bat shows up in your home in the middle of the night?

Pairing: Batman x Reader (Platonic or Romantic)

Word Count: 982

Warnings/Disclaimers: Blood, injuries

Counterpart: Alchemy (Please read first)

A/N: I’m back! This one is finally complete. I have split it into parts to make reading a bit more digestible. You will want to read “Alchemy” first, otherwise certain references may be confusing. With that out of the way, please enjoy!

 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Epilogue

Masterlist

The side of your chair dipped, alerting you to your not-so-surprise guest. You turned to your son Torrence, who was peeking over the chair arm like he really was the “sneaky snake” your partner liked to call him when he managed to dart around the apartment in pure silence.

“Hmm?” you feigned ignorance. “I wonder what that was all about. I could have sworn someone was here.”

Your son tried to stifle a giggle, and you double-checked the clock in your peripherals. Shit… That much time has passed? Feels like only a few minutes.

“It’s so late that it just can’t be my little bug who should be in bed. It must be a ghost. Maybe if I close my eyes, that little ghost will go back to sleep.”

You closed your eyes and turned back towards the desk to allow your son his chance to escape. Your chair rocked again as a tiny pair of lips smacked your cheek.

“Night night!”

You didn’t dare open your eyes until the sounds of his feet padding against the linoleum crossed the threshold into the hall. 

“Good night, Torri!”

That was when you found your partner Jesse leaning against the doorframe with a dopey smile on their face.

“And what about the big ghost? Do they know what time it is?”

A sheepish smile crept onto your face. “They do now. I just need a few more minutes—”

“Nope.” Jesse swept into the room and spun your chair towards the door. “It’ll still be here tomorrow. It’s past bedtime for people and ghosts.”

“But…” You glanced over at the clay medallion you hadn’t yet translated. The oddly familiar markings had plagued your mind since you unearthed it. You just had to—

“No ‘buts’, only bed.”

In one swift motion, they tilted the back of the chair forward to unceremoniously dump you on your feet and tossed you over their shoulder.

“This is highly unnecessary,” you laughed.

“Maybe it is, but your sleep isn’t.”

They trotted you to your shared bedroom, plopping you on the bed before climbing under the sheets on the other side. You hadn’t realized just how tired you truly were. Your eyelids felt heavy and drooped close. A little bit of rest wouldn’t hurt.

A floorboard creak sent you bolting upright in your shared bed. Sometimes being a light sleeper worked in your favor. Did Torrence have another nightmare?

You swung your feet over the side of the bed and stood. The floor lightly squeaked under your weight. Strange. It wasn’t as loud as—

Clomp! CLOMP!

You snatched up the wooden baseball bat near the bed. That was not Torrence. You glanced toward Jesse to find them still fast asleep. It would be near impossible to wake them up before their alarm. They slept like the dead. Sucking in a breath through your nose, you steeled yourself with a white knuckled grip on the bat.

Clomp! CLOMP!

There it was, again… You opened the door and peered into the unlit hallway. Nothing.

Clomp! CLOMP!

Was it coming from the apartment upstairs? Was it down the hall? It was hard to tell.

Clomp! Creeeeaaak! CLOMP!

That high-pitched groan… The floorboard in the living room had that particular moan.

You sneaked as quickly as possible on your toes, praying it would minimize the noise, down the hall. It suddenly felt too dark and too narrow, almost like it was actually shrinking. Was it twisting now, too? You held your breath through every step. The relief you felt from reaching the living room unscathed and undetected was immense but short lived as you peered around the corner. 

A bulky, tall figure loomed near the window in your living room. The clouds outside parted to let the moonlight fall on them, harshly highlighting their form. The pointed ears atop their head seemed to glow from the yellowish light. Their broad shoulders were hugged by a tattered cloak that nearly reached the floor. You could see the thick boots that wreaked so much havoc on your floors.

Your grip on the bat tightened further. You were 100% regretting your decision to confront the intruder alone…

Their head twitched toward the hallway, toward you.

Crap. They couldn’t have possibly heard me… Right?

They turned away from the window. The breath caught in your throat.

The cloak (maybe cape would be a better word) parted as they moved, revealing the black and gray clad form underneath of well-formed muscles suitable to a long practicing fighter, presumably male. A gloved hand reached out slowly, shakily, shifting the cape further. The suit was torn and bloodied. You could practically smell the iron emanating from his wounds. Or… Was that your imagination running wild again?

You finally looked up to his face. The pointed headgear was more like a cowl. All it allowed you to see was a bruised jawline peppered with stubble and busted lips.

The breath that had been stuck shoved its way into your lungs as a gasp. This man looked like a train wreck. But… how- why was he in your apartment?

One boot clunked lightly toward you, the other followed clumsily.

Clomp. CLOMP.

Any normal person would have bolted by now. Not you. Something stirred in your chest, a familiar flame. It urged you to fight, to protect. You weren’t going anywhere. You would protect your family.

His pummeled mouth parted, hoarsely calling out.

He- It was… It was your name. He was calling out to you.

The wooden weapon wavered in your hands. You retightened your grip. Had you been stronger, the wood would have splintered. 

No. You wouldn’t let him best you.

Then, like shutting off an old CRT television, his figure distorted and vanished. In the window, the clouds shrouded the moon once again. Something else cast its light from a far rooftop onto the cottony canopy - a symbol shaped like a bat.

[khaire-traveler]

Hey! I’ve been following for a while and I have a small question. I’m worried that I’m headblind/can’t feel or hear deities at all. When I work with reading flames or spinning coins, something feels off or wrong. And I’m too scared to use a pendulum because a friend of mine had a trickster on them last year. Is this something that I can fix or I have to work around? Do you have any tips to work past this or any communication methods? Thx for reading!

Hey, Nonny! Apologies for the late answer; I've been crazy busy lately.

So, I have a few things I can recommend as well as some things I hope you find reassuring.

Firstly, I'd like to say that I don't believe in trickster spirits - at least, not in the way that has been popularized. Are there spirits out there who are maybe not so good to be around? Yes, absolutely. But if you're reaching out to a specific deity, is someone else entirely going to answer? In my opinion, no. When you specifically call on a deity, I personally believe that only that deity is going to answer. If you're nervous about who will be on the other end of your prayer, I suggest using a broad epithet of the deity to get their attention. I have a pretty detailed post on my views that I'll link here and save you my long ass thought process. In general, though, deities are the protection from evil, not the cause of it, and that holds true when it comes to supposed trickster spirits.

Secondly, I do believe that deity communication is a skill that can be practiced and learned, but sometimes it's much more difficult for some than others. For some people, they struggle to do it at all, and that's not a bad thing. I feel there is a misconception going around that in order to have an actual relationship with your deities, you need to be able to communicate through divination or have to sense their presence. However, this is untrue. You can still have strong deity relationships through prayer and other simple means of communication. Deities will still listen to you, and you'll often find that they'll still answer, even if it's not in ways that are often discussed online. Deities communicate through a variety of means - dreams, physical signs and omens, divination, even encounters with strangers - and to enforce a limited view on their communication abilities is something I'm strongly against, yet it is often the only thing that's popularized. Online, you often hear stories of people speaking directly to deities and being able to physically see them. You even hear stories of perfect and flawless communication through divination. The things is, we often don't see the rigorous practice and build up that it took for someone to get there. In my experience, even just by speaking to other practitioners, these communication skills seldom come naturally.

Thirdly, I do have sources that you can look into that explore different methods of deity communication as well honing your ability to use those methods. This post discusses how to differentiate between your inner voice and that of a deity. This post talks about identifying signs from deities. There are other ways to identify signs not mentioned in this post, but this is a great place to start. This post mentions some ways deities can try to contact you, just in general. This post is about narrowing down which deities are trying to contact you. While not directly related to your situation, it could still be helpful. This post is specifically geared towards to the headblind. It gives some great tips on figuring out what deities are trying to communicate. I highly suggest you take a look at my Deities & Entities section in my pinned post for more. Finally, here is a masterpost I made of various divination methods - all great ways to communicate with deities.

I will say that it takes a lot of practice, especially if you're coming from a place where you've never felt or experienced anything relating to deities, but in my opinion, it's not impossible most of the time. Even if you ARE fully head blind, that's not a bad thing. Like I said earlier, it doesn't prevent you from having meaningful relationships with deities. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop comparing yourself to other worshippers and their experiences. At the end of the day, everyone's practice will differ vastly from each other, and even when you have things in common, you will still find that you do some things way differently from the other practitioner. Even the way that deities present themselves to people varies. For example, I often see Apollon as having long, wavy hair that's golden blond. However, I've met another person who sees him as having shoulder length hair that's more of a strawberry blond. I even know someone who only sees the gods in the forms of animals, viewing Apollon as a swan, crow, or crane. Deity experiences are almost never exactly the same. How you do things will always differ, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with the way you practice, and you're not doing anything wrong by struggling to communicate. It's ok, and you are perfectly fine the way you are. 🫂

I hope you found my answer helpful. I know it was pretty wordy, but I hope you don't mind that too much. I wish you the best on your journey, Nonny, and I truly hope you can feel secure and happy in your practice. I believe in you, and I'm proud of you for the progress you've already made. Take care. 🧡

[needsmth]

Hey! I’m KINDA new here so Idk how it works? But Anyway could i request a Edmund x g/n reader. Where there’s a storm and Edmund is looking for reader beacuse he’s worried, and finally he finds them in the middle of courtyard just to see them having the best time of their life running dancing spinning and enjoying the weather? (i like to Imagine that at that moment he would think something like "I wanna be theirs” iykyk)

If it’s not a problem ofc! And thank you <333

Thank you so much omg!! I loved writing this one and I look forward to getting to know you more :)

A disclaimer to all the others reading though, the reader will identify as she/her as I'm not very good at writing with non-binary pronouns. I deeply apologise.

Also, I highly recommend that you read this with the song 'Lovers Rock' by TV Girl. It just fits the mood and I swear you won't regret it <3

!! WARNINGS !!

- slight cussing (literally just one swear word)

- tooth-rotting fluff :p

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Edmund is not worried, alright? In fact, he's been feeling himself as of late. But that's the problem. He's only been feeling himself when she's around.

And yes, there's very heavy rain today so there's plenty of reason to worry. Especially since Lucy last recalled seeing his best friend in the courtyard, which, he'd gladly remind to anyone, is open-air.

And no, he's definitely not speeding down the long, pristine hallways of Cair Paravel towards the courtyard. He simply isn't. He's just... Walking at a faster pace.

Edmund pays no mind as he passes the meeting room, the throne room, his own bedroom. That's not important right now.

When he reaches the steps that lead to the courtyard, he takes note of the very heavy rain. (Susan, being the most helpful person in the world says there is probably a high chance of lightning striking.)

Edmund eyes at his navy blue silk and cream-coloured linen outfit and then back to the rain. 'Fuck it,' he thinks, stepping out into the unmerciful rain that instantly ruins his hair and clothes.

Never mind that, he needs to find her.

His dress-boots stomp against the slosh that was grass and tried avoiding puddles as best as he could. Lord knows what Peter would say to him later.

The young king shakes his mind off his older brother. Not the time, he reminds himself.

Now that he's finally here in the courtyard himself, he realises how much he's never spent his time here. (A bad situation to be finally realising this, but oh well) He made up his mind on how he's going exploring again when he's not in such a state and when the fields are dry and the sun is peeking from the sky.

He continues wandering for a good three minutes before noticing the spin of a light-pink dress in the distance.

His dark eyes widen, little specks of hope visible in the irises. He rushed to where he saw it, and there you were.

But instead of the cold, wet, miserable you that he'd previously imagined, it was actually quite the opposite.

You twirled yourself around, his presence to you unknown. Your eyes were closed, but your smile shone just as bright. Occasionally, Edmund would hear a little laugh from you, an indication of the fun you were having.

His eyes widen again, but instead of surprise, it's filled with cheeky, malicious intent.

Tip-toeing quietly so you don't hear him, (although the rain made it hard to hear anything, really) his strong arms wrap around your waist, enveloping you into a hug.

You open your eyes with adrenaline, before recognising his strong jaw and milky-white skin. You laugh in relief, pulling him impossibly closer to you. When you open your eyes again, he has a handsome grin playing at his lips before he leads you to dance.

It's not like any other dance you've learned to teach yourself for all the balls and parties you and the Pevensies had been invited to.

It's a ridiculous dance, really, if you think hard about it.

The way Edmund just keeps shimmying you around him and twirling you in ways you never thought he could, it's childish of him. A side he rarely shows but will always be open to you.

Although, you did recognise some of the steps from the more elegant dances, like the waltz. When asked, he smiles wistfully and replies, "Once a king, always a king."

Most of the time your laughter filled the air, only the dark clouds and trees as your witness.

Suddenly, you stop your feet from moving. Edmund catches onto this and stops as well. His hands were still very much around your wrist and on your lower back, however.

You hear each other's panting and the both of you look up to see a wide smile on the other's face.

You take the moment of silence as an excuse to drag your eyes around his lean figure, studying the way his wet hair shone (Very attractively, though you wouldn't admit it to him. Ever.)

God, she's beautiful, he thinks, oblivious to your shifty eyes and red face. Just how much I want her by my side... He continues in his head, How much I want her to be mine.

Of course, he hadn't said this out loud. That's just plain stupid.

But one day, he'll say it. He will. It's a promise.

And with the beam of your face that you make every time you see him... Oh yes, it's a promise.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Hope you enjoyed!! Special thanks to @lidlowa for requesting this in the first place. Your prompt had me kicking my feet in the air and shi.

[leiflitter]

ghost!chorus- Venetia reacts to (your choice of) CH39 intro with Felix crying and Ollie comforting him; CH42 with Felix and Farleigh and Felix and Lucia; or CH44 Felix tells the kids about Lucia’s affair? tysm!!!

OKAY so these sorta got mushed together with a general uh… Ghost!Vee perspective, but it’s fun so let’s go~

Perhaps it was, well, being dead, but with hindsight… It was honestly amazing that it had taken Felix this long to find out. Oh, yeah, he and Lucia had been spiraling slowly towards divorce before they were even married, but it was so obvious… Or maybe it was just that walls didn't mean much to her any more, and Venetia'd wandered into Farleigh's room the first night he'd shown up. Paying her cousin a visit had led to way too much information, thank you very much, and she’d been giving the little shit a wide berth ever since. She hadn’t cottoned on while she was alive, at least, because if she had… But there was no point in being vindictive. She’d tear Farleigh a new one when he shuffled off the mortal coil and showed up here.

For the time being, it was initially far more fun to hang around Felix. It was what she normally did, when she was focused on the living. He'd been crying a lot, when she'd first crossed over. It had only seemed fair to comfort him; mum and dad were preoccupied with spectral dinners and parties and hobnobbing with Cattons Long Past. He was all by himself now, he needed her in the same way he’d needed her after he overdosed- it wasn’t Venetia’s fault that he couldn’t sense her. She’d sat beside him, pretending to stroke his hair and ignoring the way her fingers slipped through him as if he was liquid. Thicker than air but impossible to get a grip on. She’d read, somewhere, that you can’t actually feel wetness, that it was a weird collaborative illusion courtesy of the senses, but she didn’t have a physical body any more, so... What did it matter? Felix was distinctly soggy, and his moping had been starting to verge on boring.

She’d been a hair off of leaving him to it- maybe she’d hold out til after Christmas, maybe not- when things had taken a turn for the interesting. Felix had stopped crying, distracted by his phone, and what do you know? Vee had peered over his shoulder as soon as she noticed the change in him, from morose to giggly, and surprise! Her brother was texting incoherent, mushy messages to Oliver fucking Quick, squirming as he waited for a reply like a tween with a crush. Heart emojis and I love you, practically kicking his feet and twirling his hair. Oliver, returning? There wasn’t any point in wondering how the fuck he’d resurfaced; from her current position, it seemed inevitable. That summer had changed them all, and Oliver had been the catalyst. Of course he’d pop up again when everything had gone to shit. He could probably sense it, like a shark. At least, given her spectral condition, she wasn’t going to be their collateral damage any more; besides, she had to admit it was fun. It was basically a soap opera, after all, Venetia an intangible witness to her idiot brother happily smashing his life to bits. 

She'd even been watching them as they fumbled about. It was highly unimpressive, if she was honest, they kissed like they were trying to lick each other’s ears from the inside, but at least they were having fun. Yet it also showed that Oliver had changed. He wasn’t posturing the way he had with her; he’d had the audacity to grow up. Venetia had been expecting… Well… Ollie. The Oliver who’d sidled down those stairs towards her, as suave as a teenage boy in a borrowed suit could be. He’d tasted her blood, and she’d gotten off mostly on the taboo and how public it was, but it had been stupid to think he could be anything other than Felix’s property. He ought to have FRC written on the sole of his foot, like Woody in Toy Story, it was so blatant. This small, sensible man in the boring clothes was nothing much to look at, but he was still so devoted to her brother that it verged on pathetic. It would have been so pitiable, if Felix hadn’t gone off the deep end and kept on making increasingly poor decisions. 

Horribly, though, she had to admit that they seemed happy. It was fucking annoying, watching Felix fall in love as if he were some beleagured Disney princess rather than an adult man with a wife and children… But his wife wasn’t faithful, and she’d heard the pain in his sobs as he realized that his children may not be fully his. Venetia couldn’t have waited with baited breath- she didn’t need to breathe, after all, although she mimicked it reflexively- but she’d been wound so tight just watching. Waiting for Oliver to reveal his snakey little plan, to tell Felix to leave them, be with him, that the kids didn’t matter… 

Until he didn’t. 

What was his plan? 

Venetia wasn’t sure, but she stayed close, trying to piece it together. Oliver was consistent, she’d give him that, but all of his talk about doing it right for the kids just didn’t seem… Like him. He was a liar, he had to lie, but what was the angle? 

It hurt to consider that there might not be one. 

It had hurt to hear his confession, that he’d responded to her dangling herself like bait because of Felix and her mother’s casual cruelty. Venetia had already known it, of course, but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting; so much so that she’d tried her best to appear before the both of them that evening as they tangled up in each other, vengeful and pointing, but had given up when Harriet cockblocked them far more effectively. 

It also hurt to look at them. The youth returning to their faces, despite the deeper creases around eyes and mouth. They hadn’t aged poorly, not at all, but it was bitter to see her brother grow younger. She’d be young forever, but nobody she truly cared about could appreciate it. It was bitter to think that Felix would grow old with someone, be in love and so sickening, and they’d show up here one day having shown her everything she’d never been able to find. They’d found extra reserves of life, hidden within how grossly soppy they were, and it felt like every slice of birthday cake she’d politely refused. 

The real Felix was back after a hiatus, back to devouring life by the fistful, and Venetia had watched him but never been brave enough to follow his example and gorge herself. 

Yet she’d watched. Waited. Hovered in the background, watching Oliver Quick hold her brother and comfort him- her job- and saw the looks they exchanged and heard the quiet conversations. Sat in the window seat while Felix and Oliver made muffled, animal sounds on the sofa bed. Mostly Venetia wondered if she ought to just… Go to where the others were. Slide away from the physical world into the endless summer of Saltburn After, join all of those accumulated souls in the whirl of parties and petty squabbling.

But she just wanted to be sure. Be there. Be part of it. She lurked around with Farleigh as he muttered and coughed in the cold, waiting for Felix to notice him. A shame that he didn’t notice her; she’d done her best to berate him, tried to lob a shoe at his head, but it was hard to keep up the energy when your audience didn’t react and your missiles didn’t connect… Then Felix was, as ever, about as capable of holding a grudge as a goldfish was at algebra. She’d tried to hold her nieces and nephew as Felix delivered the news of Lu’s bad behavior as deftly as a boot to the crotch, but it had been an exercise in frustration. She couldn’t stand passing through people; it was too much of a reminder of what she was, but she let her fingers ghost through Ru’s curls and tried to feel love at him. 

She’d seen the look on Oliver’s face when Lu confronted him. Blank, devoid of emotion, and oddly enough… That had helped her turn a mental corner. Set it into place.

Oliver was telling the truth. He didn’t lie these days, but honesty could be just as caustic. 

She sat, heavily, on the blue bed, watching them. Her brother was between Oliver’s legs, but that was hardly impressive. He sounded like a posh bulldog, panting away, and they hadn’t even gotten their boxers off yet. Idiots. They couldn’t even fuck tastefully, and she was trying to be maudlin. 

“Oh, fuck off.” 

Felix had shoved his stupid foot through her stomach, and that was- frankly- more than enough for Venetia. She’d come back tomorrow. 

“Just you wait, Felix Catton. Once you get here, it’s over for you.”   

[bringthekaos]

What a wonderful experience for Jayce to finally find someone who allowed him to explore himself. I'd like to headcanon that his obsession with an impossible future combined with a little extra sheltering from his mom (an expected result of almost losing your child) led him to face his formative years in relative loneliness. Sure, he had schoolmates and acquisitanses, and the Kiramann were pleasant enough, but he was missing that friends who he could talk freely about his interests, someone who "gets you".

What a wonderful experience for Viktor to find family again, and up in Piltover. To have someone you can let your guard down, someone you can call home again amidst a city that is designed to make you feel like an outsider

Mmmmmm yes good food. Despite Jayce being a charismatic and good looking guy, I think it’s pretty obvious that he didn’t really have many friends. And this is probably for several reasons, one being that he was likely a little reclusive in order to keep his obsession with and study of magic a secret; he only told people he trusted absolutely (so just Caitlyn). Which is why I think he was so easy to manipulate once he became Piltover’s Golden Boy—he was just happy to have a little attention, a little respect, and didn’t know how to spot when someone was taking advantage of him. But I think it’s also what made his bond with Viktor all the more powerful. Viktor didn’t see a naïve genius ripe for the picking, he simply saw genius. And what’s more, he saw misunderstood genius, looked-down-on and brushed-aside genius, which he was intimately familiar with, because he was too.

And while we don’t know if Viktor’s family is still alive in Arcane… I highly doubt it. I think we would have heard him speak about them, especially when Hextech started veering away from helping people. I think during the “there are people who need our help now” argument would have been the perfect time, even if only to guilt Jayce into action with a personal touch—“my family needs help now!” So if they are gone… I imagine his was a fairly lonely life before he met Jayce. Pretty much everyone brushes him off (“I was an outsider the moment I stepped foot in Piltover.”) His only “friend” (really just person/creature that treats him with any amount of decency) being his fucking employer??? Can you imagine your only friend being your fucking boss?

So finding someone who saw him for who he is and not where he’s from, who considered him an equal, a partner within hours of knowing him??? Someone who actually tried to protect him, keep him from going down with the already sinking ship (“no, no, no. You heard the council. If we’re wrong…”), even though Viktor was offering to help him. I think Jayce was a breath of fresh air, for Viktor—he kept expecting this young man to be selfish, to take advantage. But he never did. His dream was genuine, and so was he. So it felt natural, letting him in. He felt like he already knew him.