#feels good to write a proper Essay lol i really do need to write on PH (and vanitas) more

[applestorms]

was watching this video breaking down vol. 22 of the PH manga and got stuck on this very interesting question he poses (~30 mins in):

why didn't oswald try to save lacie's life?

or, more specifically: why did oswald decide that in order to Fix Everything, he needed to kill lacie earlier rather than stop himself from killing her at all, particularly after he learned the true reason behind why children of ill omen were sacrificed in the first place (essentially to appease the jurors, who couldn't see/control them)?

to answer this, i think we have to get somewhat in-depth into oswald's motivations & relationships & POV. here's that breakdown.

first things first: oswald is a weird character. out of all of the major characters in PH's cast, and particularly those from the Past/original setting of 100 years ago, he is easily the most difficult to place or understand in terms of personality, views, etc. this is for two reasons:

jack's 100 years of intense censorship, which paint oswald as the Evil Glen Baskerville that ordered the massacre of tons of people during the tragedy of sablier.

oswald's own natural shyness and general aversion to people, which cause him to really only be close to lacie and jack (the first of whom is, of course, dead, and the second of whom does all the censorship noted in point 1).

for the entire first half of the series, we are presented an image of oswald that is a flatly evil villain, someone shrouded in darkness and mysterious red robes, in contrast w/ the image of jack as this hero of light and sparkling water and sunlight breaking through the trees. even when jack reveals that they had been friends oswald is still relegated to a position hidden in jack's shadow, true face lost to time.

our understanding of oswald therefore must almost always be taken with a grain of salt, since he is so often heavily filtered through the faulty lens jack casts on him. even so, i think we can come up with a few possible answers to respond to the Lacie Question posed above:

oswald is Panicked and Desperate to try and solve the whole "world getting chucked into the abyss problem," a SECOND time; note that he literally died in the middle of this project the first time.

in order to come up w/ the idea to save lacie, oswald would have to believe that it is possible in the first place, that there is still some Essence of Lacie that could live on. jack might believe this, but oswald definitely does not.

remember that for all the time that jack spends losing his mind coming up w/ schemes behind oswald's back to break the world's chains, oswald is mourning. frankly, he's forced to grieve lacie long before he even actually kills her. he knows, better than anyone, that she's truly dead and gone. compare these two reactions, first from jack, then from oswald:

oswald doesn't just think it's impossible for lacie to come back-- he views it as an insult, as something incredibly dangerous, to even consider the possibility of trying at all.

what i think is notable about this is that there is also yet another question hidden within the one about Lacie, which instead relates to oswald's views on his other beloved friend. specifically:

why is oswald so incredibly hurt by jack's betrayal?

again, i think we can pinpoint a few reasons behind this:

he fucking killed him.

he worked behind his back for Months to come up w/ this incredibly suicidal and violent plan, even manipulating oswald's preteen (? age uncertain) niece to go along w/ his plans.

he loved jack. lacie and jack were the only two people oswald was genuinely close to. he cared about him, was invested in or even obsessed with him, and needed his support. after lacie died, he literally had nobody else-- even levi dies shortly after oswald ascends to power. jack was the only person who could possibly understand just how significant it was to lose lacie, who could relate to his grief and mourn with him-- but he went behind his back instead, spending 100 years painting him as a murderer, a villain, pinning his own crimes onto oswald's back and perverting the natural order of the world, causing his remaining family left in the baskervilles to be cast out as evil, turning chains into weapons, and generally being the biggest menace in the entire fucking series. he betrayed him in quite possibly every avenue he had the ability to. it's frankly impressive just how much he managed to stab him in the back, literally and figuratively.

HE LITERALLY FUCKING KILLED HIM

alternatively: he's not. or rather-- oswald isn't just motivated by anger or a desire for revenge against jack when he tries to go back in time and kill an even younger lacie. he is also motivated by his own guilt.

to expand a bit more on that last point, since this shit is juicy:

oswald and lacie's relationship is slightly different than gilbert and vincent's for a number of reasons, but one of the more notable ones is that oswald & lacie seem to know a helluva lot more way earlier on than gil & vince do. levi does Not fuck around when it comes to telling lacie straight up that she is going to be killed for being a child of ill omen. both oswald and lacie are thus well aware of what lacie's fate will be long before it happens, giving them plenty of time to grieve and angst over it long before oswald actually comes to power as the next glen.

due to the manipulations/information provided by jury, oswald and lacie are also taught the typical story about the origin of children of ill omen: specifically, that they are deviations that are created due to the birth of a new glen.

together, these two points lead oswald towards one bitter conclusion: that He is the reason behind lacie's existence, and therefore it is his responsibility to deal w/ her properly.

the fact that oswald & lacie are Brother & Sister and that whole gendered dynamic really adds to this point, honestly. lacie is treated like a problem child, a capricious, fickle, devil-may-care little girl that needs to be locked away in a tower for safety but breaks out to play around outside anyways. she is objectified and infantilized by most if not all of the people closest to her, treated like something dirty and evil by jury, like a literal experiment by levi, and like a inhuman goddess and representation of salvation and perfection by jack.

oswald is not freed from this-- for all that he does genuinely love his sister, he also views lacie like a Problem that He needs to fix, and takes responsibility for her actions as a reflection of his own failures. when lacie acts out, oswald internalizes that as his fault for not controlling her better. he is quite literally groomed into believing this by jury, to the point that he goes through with the sacrifice and kills her, even when he expresses clear regret and grief over it before, after, and during the ritual itself.

and on top of that, as a part of this ritual, oswald is also crowned king of the baskervilles, given an incredibly important position within the family and role in taking care of the abyss. he is more responsibility than man by the time he becomes glen, having to take care of Everyone and Everything mostly on his own, his mentor and dearest sister dying all so that he can take the fucking job.

thus: when jack starts acting out, when he loses his mind over the loss of lacie and tries to throw the world away to compensate for it, oswald interprets this as A Lacie Problem and therefore his job to fix. as incredibly unintentionally cruel as it may be, i think oswald genuinely views jack's betrayal as Lacie's Fault, and therefore his own responsibility since he is the one who supposedly Created lacie in the first place. Your Sin Is Your Very Existence-- lacie should not have existed as a child of ill omen, it was a problem that she was alive, and it's all oswald's fault for creating her so it's his responsibility to kill her properly. so he has no other choice but to forcibly take over leo's body, go back in time, and Save Everything. lacie cannot be saved because her existence itself is the heart of the issue. without lacie, jack would not be saved. without lacie, oswald would never have to meet him, or love him, or be betrayed by him. without lacie, oswald could grow up and never have to kill his beloved sister. the world's chains would not be broken, the natural order would not be tainted by a desperate man's suicidal insanity, if only the problem were not created in the first place.

but then... he sees her.

and how could he possibly go through with this a second time?

[bleue-flora]

So how’s the hc of c!dream being autistic feeling in light of recent news?

Pretty much confirmed canon now, because I think we can probably all agree that it’s not like the creators are professional actors so in many ways their personality bled into the characters so if cc!Dream is confirmed to be autistic, that pretty much means c!Dream is as well. Like no offense but I don’t think cc!Dream is that good of an actor to play a neurotypical character lol. I can barely try and write one XD. And of course the things talked about in my essays still stand as further support of that.

So… yeah, feels good. Especially because now I have a really good reason to give to people about why I’m obsessed with my green boy, cuz it’s not like there are that many autistic characters to be obsessed with and project onto. It’s also cool because the narrative and symbolism pieces I talked about in [part 3] of my autism essay now are confirmed to be applicable which is really cool. Like I mean the symbolism of the mask for one is just 👌… don’t even get me started on Pandora’s Vault being a great metaphor for people boxing up their autism for years (*cough* me *cough*).

Also this does open the box of actually considering what else this makes pretty canonical. For example, a common autistic thing is to not like eye contact (I personally hate it) and as mentioned in my essay, a reason for the mask could be so Dream can avoid having to make eye contact and making proper facial expressions to go with the situation.

Which means a few interesting things for fanfiction 1) I’ve often seen a theme of Dream having a mask because he’s so expressive and therefore is hiding his true intention with the mask and when he has it off he’s really easy to read. This however is likely not the case. In fact, Dream without the mask would mostly likely be just as hard to read because he would not be emoting properly, he might even by emoting inappropriately for the situation. He also could by extension not be one for extra eye contact. Course in my fics there is plenty of eye contact, but you’ll notice that I make a point to highlight it, because it’s not his natural or most comfortable thing to do….

Anyways, I’m pretty stoked honestly and I’m kinda curious if people will implement more autistic characteristics when writing Dream now. I hope they will at least keep it in mind, because I think that’d be really cool. And hey, to anyone not autistic or in general I suppose, feel free to reach out if you need some help or have questions about writing autistic Dream. :)

[moongothic]

Seen quite a few people comment how they believe it's more likely the Dragodile Divorce happened due to ideological differences rather than because Dragon was too straight to stay with Crocodile, and. Like I did suggest that (or at least tried to) in my Crocodad Giga Thesis (really I should've been more clear about it in my essay so I wouldn't be writing this now lol), but like yes, Dragon and Crocodile absolutely have drastically different beliefs on How One Overthrows The World Government. And that absolutely could have contributed to the two separating and/or Crocodile deciding to go his own way instead of becoming a proper Revolutionary

Because like, as I tried to imply in the essay (but failed to deliver); if Crocodile's goal had always been to get Pluton so he could just nuke Marijoa off the face of the earth by himself and end it all in one go, then Crocodile and his way of thinking could work as this, like... contrasting opposite to how Dragon believes things should be done. Some fans (unfairly imo) call Dragon a "fraud" because over the past 20+ years he has only attacked Marijoa and the WG directly just once, and even when he did, instead of doing something to stop their corrupt reign for good... the Revs destroyed... the Tenryuubito's... food storage..? Like. Sure, that'll bother them for a little while, get their panties in a good twist etc, but in the end they're just going to demand more tributes and more free food. The Revolutionary Army may be successfully inspiring more people and more countries to rebel against the World Government's corrupt rule, but the Tenryuubito are still in power and will continue to be in power for a long time. And that's kind of how Crocodile would greatly complement Dragon within the narrative. Dragon being arguably "too soft" with his slow, methodical way of overthrowing the WG, while Crocodile would just kill them all without mercy, even if it meant hurting innocent people in the process. The two would act as the opposite sides of the same coin, the different extremes of the same spectrum. Crocodile would become like a response to the complaints people have against Dragon.

And yeah, the two having such wildly different ideological views could VERY EASILY contribute to a divorce, for sure.

My thing is that... If (and this is an if) Crocodile is meant to go a character arc and grow as a person, if we're meant to see him as a sympathetic character at all and maybe even feel bad for him... It'll be much harder to write that if the Dragodile Divorce happened only because of the two having ideological differences. Like who's going to feel bad for Crocodile if the two got divorced because Crocodile wanted to mass murder people and Dragon wasn't okay with it? That's not a tragedy, that's not a situation where we as the readers would feel for Crocodile and want to root for him. That's not something that would give a character unprocessed emotional trauma to heal from and overcome. He'd just be a villian who'd need to have his beliefs changed.

Where as, if The Divorce was caused by Dragon and Crocodile no longer being compatible due to Dragon being straight while Crocodile transed his gender... Even in the most respectful of scenarios that is a heartbreaking situation, a painful thing to go through. That is a tragedy without bad guys, a story where you could feel bad for Crocodile and want to root for him. That is a situation that would give him trauma to heal from.

And that's kind of why I so strongly believe in Crocodile's transition being a more important, contributing factor in The Divorce. Again, this does absolutely depend on what Crocodile's actual role in the story is going to be and whether or not he's even meant to go through a character arc at all. Like if he's not going to be that important and if he isn't meant to go through an arc then sure, Crocodile's transition doesn't have to matter one fucking bit. But if he is meant to go through an arc, if we are meant to feel bad for him and find outselves rooting for him eventually... From a writing perspective, that'll be far easier to do if we can find ourselves sympathizing with him even just a little bit.

Also like. Yes, you can have queer characters who are just queer for the sake of being queer, their queerness does not have to be an important aspect in them or a huge plotpoint in their story at all. Crocodile could be queer just for the sake of being queer. Because that's what it's like being queer, you just are what you are. At the same time, from a writing perspective. What would even be the point of making him queer if it didn't matter to his character at all and have an impact on his character?

Also while Crocodile and Dragon clearly have very different beliefs on how the WG should be dealt with right now, we don't really know when Crocodile came to his beliefs. Like for all we know Crocodile could've formed his worldview years after the divorce. Hell, based on the way he spoke to Vivi about her ideals, and how we know he spent over a decade in utter emotional solitude, his current worldview could have been partially born from resentment towards Dragon (and his ideals) that's been simmering away over the years.

All of this to say; yes I think the two's beliefs could have been a contributing factor in The Divorce, but from a writing perspective (and based on the direction I personally want to see the story go), I find it far more likely if Crocodile's transition was the main cause, one way or another.

[gerryrafferty]

get to know your mutuals

thank you for tagging me @pauls1967moustache ❣️

What's the origin of your username?: well i’m a chronic url changer and this one is not even 24 hours old lol. Right now i’m showing my support for the very talented very troubled pop rock icon Gerry Rafferty. Right Down The Line has always been a favorite song of mine and I’ve been listening to it a lot lately 🫶

OTP(s) + ship name: mclennon (my biggest and brightest shining ship star) , osblaine (Nick & June from The Handmaid’s Tale, we’re in a toxic relationship), Meredith & McDreamy (idek their ship name because that was before I got into fandom proper), larry/zouis/zourry (1d), maxiel & carlando (F1), and rosquez (motogp) round out my reading list

Favorite color: I will always answer yellow in these things 🟡🟡

Song stuck in your head: look what you’ve done by jet

Weirdest habit/trait: I am a coaster user and not just in my own place. if i’m at a restaurant or bar I must have a coaster or little napkin at the very least to put my drink on otherwise I will spend the entire time in a battle against the evil condensation ring.

Hobbies: watching movies, listening to albums, tumblr, reading wikipedia articles about athletes, keeping up with my houseplants, exploring new neighborhoods in my city, making niche spreadsheets related to my interests, i’m just starting to dabble in photography, and I’d like to get into some kind of needlework hobby like cross-stitch but I haven’t made that happen yet

If you work, what's your profession?: corporate accountant

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?: tour photographer for a musician

Something you're good at: it feels weird to talk about it in this era of #tradwife nonsense but i’m good at keeping a kitchen and can generally make meals for myself without needed recipes. it’s something I personally find liberating but it’s such a loaded topic these days idk.

Something you hate: people who aren’t aware of their surroundings when in public, olives, the movie Into The Wild

Something you collect: tote bags and records

Something you forget: I have to look up how to spell ‘license' every time and it still always looks wrong to me

What's your love language?: acts of service in both directions I think. help me help you help me etc.

Favorite movie/show: movie - Shaun of the Dead, show - this is always difficult but lately I think it’s Psych. Shaun + Gus 4ever.

Favorite food: potatoes, any style any variety

Favorite animal: owls and elephants

What were you like as a child?: so so shy

Favorite subject at school: history. I had a great teacher one year who taught me more about how to write an essay than any english course ever did

Least favorite subject: chemistry. it wasn’t interesting to me and I hadn’t learned how to study yet so the exams felt near impossible

What's your best character trait?: my friends say they love my no-nonsense attitude and I also think it’s pretty cool of me

What's your worst character trait?: i’m really impatient sometimes. please just get out of my way and let me do it correctly myself

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?: when my grandmother when she was in her late 20s and living in New Orleans and working as a nurse. she’s a cool lady and I would love to hang out with her during that time.

tagging: @crepesuzette2023 @weareonejazzhand @daisychain-unchained @headgehug if you’d like to fill out a questionnaire 💝

[surly-sara]

HI HI HI ‼️‼️ Just read ur caleb fic and I haven't gotten to the second part yet but I needed 2 tell u how awesome I think it was!! I've honestly been so conflicted on how I feel about the whole adopted sibling thing LMAO I think ur fic cleared my feelings up a lot better! I think these relationships are very interesting to explore and I feel as if there's a right and wrong way to go about it yk? Thats why I don't really connect with alot of dark romance no matter how much I'd like to, but your fics actually are really great at expressing these complicated relationships in a valid ass way lowkey, especially after reading your sylus fic with the whole choking/starving in the beginning of their relationship I feel like it was fleshed out so appropriately because you don't just flat out ignore the issue yk?? I feel the same way about this caleb fic and I can't wait to read more in the future!! Great work and sorry 4 the random dm dump LOL ♥️♥️♥️

hey there, thank you so much for this message, and hooo boy i hope you don't hate the second part. I felt compelled to provide context for all the subsequent parts i have in mind (which is not that many, unlike the sylus series), but i felt like i couldn't give proper context to mc's emotional state and response to his death in this particular take on his character without talking about them as kids and then teenagers. This turned into an essay, as uh, it always does when someone makes the mistake of talking to me. So more under the cut if you're interested.

i can understand feeling conflicted about the adopted sibling aspect of their relationship. i'm glad my take helped you conceptualize it, and that you enjoyed how i approached mc's trauma as a result of sylus in the sylus fics too. But if you're still feeling conflicted about Calebmc, you can always choose to accept Infold's EN translations as canon. They can just be childhood friends to you, and that's 100% valid. I just can't separate the original intended relationship dynamic from the characters after having played the game last year where they were adopted siblings, and I have no moral qualms about exploring that dynamic in fiction because I think human relationships are messy as hell in reality and fiction is a safe place to do such exploration.

personally, i don't think there is a 'wrong' or 'right' way to go about discussing complicated relationships, because the potential danger of fiction is less dangerous than entering the territory of censorship, knee-jerk moral outrage, and puritanical constraints of creative expression. Like, personally I don't like to read regurgitated, exploitative, misogynistic stale smut, but i think people have the right to write it and read it even if i don't think it's good, because who am i to draw the line for someone else regarding what is valuable or a safe way to express their feelings? For me personally, there's either enjoyable dark fiction, or there's shit dark fiction, and I just choose to not read further once I realize it's of the shit variety. And the difference for me between enjoyable and shit is the following: if a really fucked up story with incredibly toxic relationship dynamics is well thought-out, if the motivations make sense, if there is context and believable reasons why characters do the things they do, if it seems like the author has unpacked for themselves why they want to tell this story and do so with commitment and humanity instead of stripping the characters of their personhood just to be shocking, then I can accept it, even if i have to be in a very specific mood to actively enjoy it or want to engage with it. But if they fail to do that, then I'm just not gonna read it.

I've been thinking about this a lot as I've gotten more excited for Caleb's release the closer we get to it, because for me, Sylus has always been a green flag, and always a lot healthier than the fandom portrayed him, and the fact that the fandom liked to turn him into a dark alphahole always pissed me off because it was just poor characterization. And I don't want to do what the fandom did to Sylus with Caleb: i think Caleb will end up being an equally green flag, with just the obsessive, possessive tendencies that Infold has hinted at as only being highlighted in the events and memories as a sprinkling of 'bad boy' titillation like they do with xav's jealousy or raf's rage or sylus's 'i'm such a sexy bad man' vibes. But because Caleb has been presented as an adversary, as being-two faced, manipulative, with 'possessive' flashing on the screen in his PV, with his 'you can't leave without my permission,' i've been having a lot of fun thinking about okay, how far can I take these darker traits with him while still staying true to his canon characteristics and infold's track record of only giving us green flags for LIs, while simultaneously keeping him swoony and romantic and not swerving completely into unhinged, toxic, not-fun-to-read territory. Because I think having someone who knows you inside and out, who feels possessive and protective of you, who is so completely wrapped up in your wants and needs--there's a particular kind of appeal in that for a certain kind of person. whereas these traits may be suffocating and actually horrible to deal with in real life, they're so fun to fantasize about as a comfort in fiction, and like Sylus, I think Caleb presents that kind of comfort. And Sylus in canon is pretty chill when it comes to possessiveness and jealousy, because he's so self-assured. he knows he's hot shit and you're the other half of his soul. He mentions being worried you're going to forget about him when he's gone, but he approaches it like a man with a plan, as opposed to a man with only fear as his motivation. I can see Caleb, however, being a lot more afraid of and vulnerable to the feeling of losing MC, and that will make him go to more extremes in securing mc at his side. and that's fun, in fiction, to explore.

Anyway, thanks so much about the really kind feedback on the first part of the Caleb fic, I'm really, really glad you liked it. I hope you like the rest. I've started the third part where it's back in the present, but I have a busy weekend ahead and probably won't be able to post it until later next week. and who knows, what we learn next week may destroy any plans i have for it, and i'll let it just be a weird little two-part OOC exercise in 'too impatient for caleb content to wait to write him' on my part :). And of course, I haven't abandoned sylus and the series. i'm just trying to write what is making me insane at the moment in order to avoid burnout on the writing. again, thank you so much for the kind message.

[leliosinking]

Hot take I guess but the fandom was way too hard on this book (and still is tbh) and for what? Because it isn’t interested in fan service? If anything Anne’s writing was at its best when she ignored what fans wanted, and I think it’s time for a reevaluation of my boy Vittorio the Vampire.

I just think this was such a promising start to New Tales (more than Pandora, even) and I sort of hate all of you for boycotting it or telling new readers to skip it. (as far as i’m concerned TVA, Merrick, B&G, BF and BC are all unofficially New Tales anyway.. TVL-MtD are the only proper vampire chronicles, everything else falls into different categories, but I digress).

With regard to Vittorio, however, we were given a true blue Ricean vampire hunter novel (the only one mind you) with an actual, functioning plot and some of the best action she’s written since TVL… and you all shunned it. And I get it, we don’t read these books for conventional, commercial plot contrivances, but for the florid language and richly crafted characters; but this is the rare Anne Rice novel that’s just.. fun for the sake of fun?

And no, I’m not blind to its problems. It absolutely needed another draft or two (as do a lot of the later VC entires) and no, Vittorio is not her strongest protagonist by leagues. But what we got was still filled to the brim with good ideas?

The Court of the Ruby Grail cult, especially, is one my favorite of Anne’s inventions. Like their dynamic with the local human villages feeding them their castoffs was legitimately disturbing and IMO better executed than most of the times she retreaded the Children of Darkness post-TVL.

And while Vittorio the character might be kind of boring, Florian and Ursula carry this novel and deserved to enter the larger narrative tapestry on their strengths alone but “waaah Lestat and co. aren’t here” so “it’s bad” or whatever.. I really can’t stand some of y’all.

Anyway, this is long enough and I really didn’t set out to write an essay in defense of what is ultimately a mid-tier entry into this series. But. I still feel that much in the way that MtD and Blackwood Farm have been recently reassessed as good novels that happen to be bad VC entires I think it’s time for some of you to similarly reevaluate Vittorio the Vampire, because this is a good vampire novel, it just isn’t a good vampire chronicle (well I think it is and yet and yet and yet). But it’s still part of the series and it does fit into the larger picture despite what some will have you believe.

If this is your first time, I personally like to read VTV between Body Thief and Memnoch. I think it is better thematically situated there than between TVA and Merrick as initially published. The archangels that enter later in the story build nicely upon David’s vision of God and Satan in TTOTBT and make for a strong intermission full of angels and demons that assist in setting up the Dantean finale of MtD. (I have more suggested reading orders btw, some other time perhaps).

I dunno.. if you like this book please let me know lol like I could use the solidarity because I feel like I’m the only one (I have it ranked #6 out of 15). But yeah, I think Vittorio is probably the most underrated and most unfairly slandered entry in Anne’s entire catalogue if I’m being completely honest.

[tothevines]

sooooooo I am now officially writing a jam fic (lmao) and I said to Holly earlier how maybe posting jam fic is what I need to break the seal and start posting my other fic. because I have two fics that are both like...a week's worth of solid daily editing away from being postable. (maybe two weeks. lol.)

so I've just been thinking about why I never do it...why don't I just buckle down and do the editing and post them. and obviously there is the mental hurdle of baring my soul and letting other people read something I've written, which I don't really do anymore. I used to have such thick skin--I've survived some incredibly toxic writing workshops (including one in which the fucking professor was the most toxic person in the workshop). I could handle People with Opinions About My Writing...but I don't know that I can anymore. and fanfiction is honestly a whole different beast. it's baring my soul in such a different way, one where I could easily Do It Wrong (e.g. with characterization), and that's terrifying.

but also...I'm realizing that part of the issue is that I simply have too many hobbies lmao. every evening/weekend, I'm faced with free time and I get overwhelmed because there are so many things i could do with it: work on my fic! work on my non-fanfic writing! catch up on my shows! read a book! play any of the six video games that I've only played half of! embroider! cross-stitch! make gifs! go for a hike! learn that new skill I've been wanting to learn (lately it's visible mending)! watch a two-hour video essay about an influencer I've never heard of! repot that aloe that's gotten too big for its container! deep clean my bathroom! (cleaning counts as a hobby okay 😤)

but ANYWAY...there are so many choices. I just like a lot of stuff. but often I end up doing none of these and feeling like absolute shit because I've wasted hours doomscrolling when I could have been doing something fulfilling (but that's a whole separate issue...).

but this week I haven't had any proper free time because I just moved. so every day has just been: get home from work > unpack boxes > eat dinner > unpack more boxes > go to bed. but my brain is rotating the blorbos like rotisserie chickens the entire time, and I really want to write, but I just don't have the time for it.

but then I get irritated with myself because - why am I acting like being busy is the reason I'm not writing? I don't write nearly as often as I'd like to, even when I do have the time for it. so why do I avoid it when I DO actually have the time???

and I think I just have so many hobbies that I will use them as an excuse to not write. if I'm always doing something else (or avoiding doing anything via doomscrolling), I can't write, so I can't ever post my fic, and I won't open myself up to criticism or being perceived.

I've felt so ashamed about not finishing/posting my fic for years at this point, but sitting here at work and word-vomiting all these thoughts into tumblr dot com actually feels like I'm having a little breakthrough about it. I don't know that having said breakthrough will actually make me change my behavior, but it's a good place to start!!!

it's really helpful for me to understand that I don't shy away from writing because I Am Bad and A Fraud but rather because all my other hobbies are so much less emotionally fraught--I don't have a bunch of fear and anxiety around all my other little activities like I do with writing. (not to mention how I have based a large part of my identity on ~being a writer~ for so much of my life and how hard THAT can make writing. for reasons that I cannot get into now but I'm sure y'all get it).

but anyway. I don't have a real conclusion here besides that I hope working this out will help me spend more time on writing and less time using my other interests to avoid writing. and maybe I will be able to tell when I want to do something because I actually have the desire to do it versus when I want to do something because it seems easier/less emotionally complicated than writing.

also maybe working on rpf is helpful because I don't know if I would ever post it anyway, so it's lower stakes??? if I do end up finishing a jam fic before I finish either of my queliot fics that will be so fucking funny though💀

[bloombubs]

Firstly, yes, you did tag it correctly! And second, please feel free to give me all of your thesis statements on Adrian Chase, if you wanna write a 10,000 word essay about that man best believe I will read it.

I also really love the idea of him having someone to come home to, to take care of and be taken care of by (and by God I love imagining I’m that person). I just want him to feel loved.

thank you for the ao3 help!!

adrian needs to be taken care of like the precious lil person he is and someone who accepts his....quirks for him.

As for thesis, of Adrian showing how he loves.......here we go:

Okay, small disclaimer before we delve into this: this is solely based on the perception I have in my head of Adrian Chase. This also isn’t listed in any particular order (just the order I copied and pasted it from lol). The more i wrote the more carried away I got oops. this isn't edited or revised but just pure nonsense spewing from the depths of my mind

Words of affirmation

In my mind, Adrian will constantly tell you that he loves you and that he misses you–especially when appropriate after the relationship develops. Without a doubt, he would compliment you on your looks, your new haircut, if he likes an outfit, if you smell good. He’s a chatty guy, he will say whatever comes straight to his mind. As for other things, I think you would tell him if you like hearing if he’s proud of you or deeper words of affirmations like “I value you”--he would say it, but he definitely says it in his own way. He definitely shows his appreciation better than words because in my head, I don’t see him being the best at articulating his feelings into words. But like, “you’re awesome!” or “dude (affectionately), you have no idea how cool you are for doing that.” Again, not as deep or romantic, but you know the intention of it. 

In bed? Different story. He loves praising you and….he loves being praised too. He will tell you how good you feel, how good you make him feel, complimenting anything his eyes land on, your skills, how in love he is with you. 

Quality time

Adrian is a sucker for quality time. Adrian in my mind is a bit clingy, but not in a negative way. I’m sure he gave you the proper space when you ask, but as mentioned in my other writings–Adrian wants to do everything with you from the most mundane activities to the most exciting. Doctor’s appointment? He’d be there holding your hand. Sitting on the couch with you and doing separate hobbies (Idk, I can see him cleaning his weapons and you’re doing a normal hobby, with the tv on in the background)? His favorite. Cooking dinner? He’s right beside you, or sitting down nearby to talk and ramble. Dancing in the living room together? He’s throwing it back. Singing horribly in his Vigilante mobile? You know it. 

Oh, don’t even get me started on his rambles. I’m not sure where this one falls in since it’s between physical touch and quality time, but I can vividly imagine this: two of you sitting on the couch, eating dinner, the tv playing in the background, your back is pressed against the arm of the couch and his is on the other, legs intertwined. Adrian is just talking, telling you random facts, stupid details about his day, going on about his missions that he promised he wouldn’t disclose with you (but does anyway), he talks about movies, the news—honestly, all everything and anything. 

Just seeing you in his line of sight is comforting enough for him. 

Coming back from patrols and missions truly makes his night when he comes home to see you, or knowing he’s hours closer to having you in his arms again.

He doesn’t want to miss a moment with you. 

Physical touch

This one definitely develops in the span of a relationship, all for different reasons. Emotionally, I think it takes a bit for him to understand what feels nice to be comforted and how you want to be comforted because each person is different. But also for him? He gives me touch deprived energy before you came into his life. 

He loves having you in his arms, making sure you feel safe and comfortable.

Basic things I’ve mentioned: massages, dancing, lotions on the leg, coming home and embracing you and lifting you off the ground with a twirl, peppering your face and neck with kisses, caressing your skin, needing to be touching you somehow, anyway. 

Brushing your hair, taking baths and showers with you, love bites, holding your hand while driving, back rubs to help you fall asleep, laying his head in your lap, his hand on your thigh when sitting together, totally fine with being either the small or big spoon. 

Obviously he can’t keep his hands off of you and you wouldn’t want them off of you. 

This man will make sure you’re satisfied before the night ends. He’ll keep going until you both can’t anymore.

Acts of service

Adrian shows his love with acts of service. I feel like this one tied with quality time, just in the sense that in the beginning of the relationship, these were the top two dominant ones. The basic act of service would be doing anything to protect you, right? It’s a given. Domestic wise? He would spoil you with simple things. I mentioned this before, but he definitely would love helping you apply lotion to your body, massages (physical touch, I know, but your body aches and he just wants you to be feeling your best self), if you cook, he cleans the dishes–or sometimes he cooks too. Holding doors open for you, developing photos you take together, killing the scary bugs, definitely pampering you wholesomely and in a risque manner—this man ALWAYS asks what he can do to make your day better. 

I can see him running a nice bath for you, pouring you a cheap glass of wine, heating up a towel for you when you get out, wrapping you up in one of his shirts or hoodies before pulling you into bed.

 Receiving gifts

This may not be the typical gift, but I can’t see him having a whole lot of money, but he sure is thoughtful. He’ll surprise you with your favorite snacks (this could be acts of service too imo), if you have a favorite show/band/book he will try to buy you something that reminds you of it, or even merch. He’ll fill your gas tank up without telling you because he wants to surprise you. He’ll definitely come home with dinner from Fennel Fields too. Oh!!! If they go on a mission a bit far, Adrian will pick up something random, but something that reminds him of you.

Do dick pics from days being apart count?

[bossthebicon]

I love offgun in this new show, the dynamic is great and it's cartoony but in just the right way *coughmiddlemanslovecough* but what has been your favorite and least favorite elements so far and do you think it will get deeper or stay sweet and candy-coated? (I'm down bad for either!)

yessssss, the cartoonish aspect is so fun! ngl I haven't watched middleman's love when they decided to replace mii2 but apart from that I always feel like no other country can do silly like thai dramas lol. like idk they just can push the boundaries of comedy while still making their show good in a way most other tv shows I've seen can't!

anyways, my favorite elements are the chemistry, of course, which is just so... offgun. even though I usually prefer offgun in shows where they're more upset (lmao I love my men crying leave me alone), it's really nice to see them in this kind of show & their natural chemistry is so perfect you can tell they barely have to put any effort for it to look amazing. apart from that, I truly love ten & prem as characters SO FUCKING MUCH. I'll try to keep it short bc I legit could write a whole essay about them but I truly love how they're both genuinely good people who should be bland & boring, but instead are not AT ALL. also, despite the cartoonish-ness of the show, they genuinely feel like real people. we have ten who is both a hot, rich, smart & perfect love interest (which are usually boring ngl) but is also very dramatic & silly & has that nerdy loser quality to him (and it's not just the glasses I promise) which is such a paradoxical combo yet works SO SO well??? as for prem, I wasn't as sold to him before the show aired but I FUCKING LOVE HIM??? he's again, kind of the cliche main character good guy that the viewer is meant to see themselves reflected in, but they made him sassy and feisty, and proud but also insecure and I just... root for him so hard ngl. these two are such strong characters they're really carrying the show, but another element I love is the acting bc I didn't think gun could slay a comedic role this well & I'm sorry I ever doubted him! as for off, it's incredible to see that he once again managed to make one of his characters absolutely unrecognizable from his others, idk if anyone else noticed or if I'm just that one completely unhinged off stan but he kinda changed his way of speaking for this role??? he speaks way softer & more proper which is a very drastic change from who off is usually lol. also another element I love are the locations & especially prem's house/restaurant... it looks so cozy & beautiful 🥺

the element I don't like is gmmtv not putting up the uncut version of the episodes on their channel. the cut version can stay on tv who fucking cares but them not putting out the uncut version for inter fans is ACTIVELY hurting the show. first of all, the cut scenes should NEVER have been cut in the first place, they are not superfluous at all & develop the relationships (especially firedynamite's one) further. second of all, the cutting of the scenes just make the editing look SO weird bruh, the cut eps look unprofessional. and lastly, it hurts the views of the show, of course, bc most people are not gonna watch it on gmmtv's channel & are just gonna wait for it to leak on kissasian & dramacool, which is simply horrible. the whole thing about gmmtv releasing their shows on youtube is bc it profits them greatly in terms of viewerships & marketing. so yeah, that's my least favorite thing about cooking crush. there's some other things but they're nowhere near that bad lol so I'll wait for more episodes or for my official 'axelle judges bl shows' review to put everything out at once.

lastly, I do think the show will stay just sweet & quit surface-level. from the original mock trailer, we know there will likely be one crying scene but that's kinda it I imagine. personally, for a show to become my favorite I need more angst & more depth, but I never really went into cooking crush thinking it would give me that. I've rarely encountered a comedy that doesn't stay quite surface-level. do I wish the show would explore the characters' sexualities, ten's daddy issues, fire's mommy issues & tenprem's social inequality more in order to make it more deep? yeah, I'm ngl. do I think that's what they're going for? absolutely not. that being said they might surprise me bc girl next room: richy rich (with off as lead & by the same director and screenwriter) did explore the mindset of an ex-poor person become suddenly rich as well as social inequality with quite a bit of nuance, so we never know!

xxx

[kidflashimpulse]

i personally really wanna know what Bart's relationship with the mental health check-ups is. like, is he super tight-lipped about what he's been through and plays everything off as fine, that he's handling it? does he talk about certain stuff but not others? has he legitimately gone to therapy since s2 or has he only done what's required of him? i'm very very curious

Okay, so this is such a good question it has taken me forever to put this together because I have a million thoughts and its impossible for me to put a proper structure to it so please bare with me, I tried my best LOL also I am SO SORRY for writing up this essay as my response LMAO i don't know, the words just won't stop !

warning: it is a lot im so sorry lol

From what I've read among the fandom, I often read that hes been put to therapy pretty much from the moment season 2 ends and has since his stay in the present managed to somewhat "heal" from his trauma or at least confront it one way or another.

Personally, I somewhat disagree with this approach. First, like we've seen from Gars arc, BB had been suffering for months pretty badly, but interventions and mandatory check ups weren't at all enforced on him until what many thought was pretty late. Honestly, I found this actually pretty realistic. From both a "slice of life" aspect as well as what's typically expected from professionals. Thats because you can't force someone to seek help unless they pose a threat to themselves or can't care for themselves anymore. So people really only intervene when things reach their nuclear stage. Typically people who also need help withdraw themselves from their social circle, as we saw with Gar, which idk if ppl realise makes it incredibly hard for them to even try to help (not out of a lack of empathy, but because they have their own responsibilities, and if someone withdraws themselves from you, then its much harder to approach them or be aware of the extent of their mental health problems). Again, I actually found his friends general involvement in Gars mental health journey fairly realistic.

I think people also overestimate the reach (heh) of the Leagues mental health efforts. The mandatory aspect is a simple "check up" and this involves a lot of people. So unless someone is actively seeking or needs help, theres only so much this service can do.

Now how this unwarrented essay on an imaginary health care system ties in to Bart (lol im so sorry for my rambles), well ill tie that in later.

Now, maybe im reading too much into it considering how him being fine was made into a gag in the Elder Wisdom Season 3 episode lol, but his first reaction (which at that point wasn't made into a recurring joke) to Barrys worry was very much "its nothing, im fine, your worry is annoying". His emotional intelligence was also displayed from his scene later on where he manages to call out what Jay was really going thru for what it was.

Elder wisdom was an episode that was listed multiple times in the watch list for the series and Jays involvement was pretty prominent in it. Now with how Phantoms concluded, Jay was listed as someone by Dinah in the last episode who has needed mental support, so it seems like that plot line has been continued. Now I don't know about you, but I interpreted Dinahs mention of Jays issues to stem from Bart being missing (compounding onto general hero life stress and him probably still mourning Joan). This is because the creators of YJ always heavily emphasise that "everything u need to know regarding all plots is what is shown" and starting from the moment in season 3 where Bart guarantees he's not going anywhere, to the moment that Jay returns to an empty home from which Bart was missing for over two weeks, to the conclusion of Jay needing mental support, I feel like its a very tidy and directly connected storyline.

Another thing from that episode which has been continued over this season is that Bart is always guaranteeing that hes fine. Its a little jarring in parallel to the worry Jay was going thru, especially with us as the audience knowing that he actually has been through a lot in those two weeks and that all that time he was literally in bandages. But the moment hes awake with Clark and co, he guarantees hes fine and immediately resumes with the mission.

What I found pretty interesting with Barts involvement in Phantoms is that a lot of what has been previously assumed of him from season 2 has been supported this season. I believe the intention of his scene with the Legion when he pretty much cornered them into revealing the truth is that he somewhat has a switch on his personality depending on the circumstances. Which to an extent supports the notion that while his general personality is pretty much genuine, what he shows depends on what hes in the mood to play up or down.

From season 2 we've seen that he can be pretty tight lipped on what he wants. From season 3 we've seen him adjust to his new timeline pretty well and in season 4 we've seen some of his complexities as well as how it can affect the people he cares about.

So, with all this in mind, to answer your questions. With the check ups being spread thin with the purpose of singling out people who are shown to need/ask for it and his affinity for being tight lipped as well as playing everything off, guaranteeing that hes fine and keeping to himself, hes really only done what hes been required to do and played off any need for concern that would require him to seek further help. This doesn't mean I don't think he hasn't talked about stuff with the people hes close with.

Lastly, he also has the factor that a lot his background has to do with the future. Sure it might be one that doesn't exist anymore, but im sure he'd struggle to explain things without giving away too many things that he'd believe he really shouldn't be saying. Also his very specific background restricts him from seeking any professional help outside of league related resources.

So yeah, if you made it to the end of my post, thank you for reading :D <3 I hope through all this I at the very least, managed to address your questions and give my two cents on our fave speedsters relationship with mental health check ups

[rose2jam]

Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult, an essay by Rose Jam

So, let’s talk about Cults. Disclaimer: This is just information I’ve gathered over the years from my personal fascination with religious cults.  I’m in no way an expert or a psychologist or whatever.  This is just my personal understanding from the research I’ve done.

A cult is started when a wildly charismatic Leader feels like they have a purpose, a higher calling, or a mission to be fulfilled (or they could also just be an egomaniac). Maybe they really do feel like what makes them special comes directly from a higher power, be that God, or the Heir of Slytherin, but either way, this person has a pathological need to be worshiped, and they need followers in order to do that.  

So, how does one obtain Followers easily? By finding the misunderstood misfits of society, and promising them something.  The people who feel like no one else understands them, or their ideologies.  But this Leader?  This Leader GETS IT, MAN! The Leader understands them perfectly, vindicates them, and makes them promises along the way.  Like, if they stick with the Leader, then not only will they finally be understood, but they themselves will also be revered.  That they will rise above all of the others who have put them down for so long, and will come out on top as a superior being.  

Any of this sounding familiar?

Charles Manson preyed on young people in the middle of the hippie movement, mostly women, who were feeling lost, lonely, and in need of guidance, or in terms of the men he recruited, seeking power over others.  Not all of these people were poor or helpless; some of them came from middle class, or even rich homes and families.  Yes, some of them came from broken homes, but all of them felt “broken” themselves, in some way. So Manson used their desires to have a family to draw them in.  He then used LSD and other drugs to keep them under his control, and he created a manipulative environment where the members of his “family” felt they could never leave him, and if they didn’t follow his commands, something horrible would happen to them.  I’m not going to go into full detail on the Manson Family Murders, but if you’re personally interested, check out the Podcast “Cults” on Spotify.

So back to basics, this Leader draws in Followers with flowery promises of community, power, family, or whatever.  But once the Leader has that following, the terror will begin.  Cult Leaders are usually master manipulators, and have completely brainwashed their followers into believing the “us vs them” mentality, that the outside world is evil, that the outside world will only harm them, that the outside world would never understand what they’re doing on the inside.  And that the Leader is the only one who knows the truth, so they better stick with him.  Or maybe the Leader has gaslit his followers so completely, that they become dependent on him for everything, to the point where they don’t know how they would possibly function without the Leader.  Or, the Leader has created an environment that’s so hostile, that Followers are too afraid of what might happen to them if they tried to leave, or didn’t do what the Leader commanded.  Typically, it’s a combination of all of the above.  Destructive cults will either hurt others outside of their circle (The Manson Family, Sect of Nacozari), harm themselves (Heaven’s Gate, The Ant Hill Kids), or both (The People’s Temple, Aum Sinrikyo).  

Now that I’ve laid this foundation, I’m going to tell you why it was practically inevitable that Severus Snape would join a cult.

Snape’s childhood ultimately laid the foundation for the mental state he would be in when he decided to join the Death Eaters.  He grew up in an abusive household, where his father, the muggle, had his magical wife so thoroughly whipped, that she couldn’t (or chose not to) use magic to defend herself, or her son (1).  Eileen had obviously told Severus about magic, about Hogwarts, about what a wonderful place it was, and what a wonderful gift magic could be.  Severus also watched as Tobias beat the magic out of her.  (I know it’s debated whether Tobias actually physically abused his family, but he certainly verbally/mentally/emotionally abused them, so the term “beat” could be used figuratively as well).  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that Severus developed an extreme hatred of muggles with “burn the witch” mentalities from a very young age because of this.

Enter Lily, perhaps the only other magical person in his life besides his mother up to this point. He sees her using magic out in the open, perhaps recklessly, for fun, and he sees an opportunity to make a friend (and, admittedly, to be smarter than someone about something for a while). He was so eager to tell her all about magic, because getting to learn magic, and go to Hogwarts, has possibly been the only thing keeping him going in his young life.  And now he’s made a friend, a real friend who doesn’t think he’s weird because he’s magical.  Unlike Petunia, yet another muggle who makes fun of him for being weird (2). And Lily actually seems to like him back.  For a kid who probably hasn’t received a lot of affection in his life, this is monumental.  This friendship is everything.  Why wouldn’t he love her?

So the time finally comes to go to Hogwarts.  Severus gets to escape his abusive household, and finally has an opportunity to embrace magic for the first time in his life.  But almost immediately, he’s met with a hic-up.  Specifically, James Potter and Sirius Black.  So Severus is no longer facing abuse exclusively from muggles who think he’s weird, but now he’s also getting it from other magical people who think he’s weird (3).  And this started on the fucking TRAIN before he even GOT to Hogwarts. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t sour a kids dream right off the fucking bat.  And then, when he finally gets there, he’s separated from his only friend, by being sorted into different houses (4).  What a way for a life-long dream to be thoroughly dashed in less than 24 hours.

Let’s look at Snape’s Hogwarts experience.  He’s a good student, and he pours himself into learning as much magic as possible, and at being the best he can possibly be, probably motivated by a desire to be better than what his Father thinks possible.  During this time, he is regularly bullied and abused by the Marauders. Sometime before his 5th year, the Incident at the Shrieking Shack took place.  It definitely sucks to have been so thoroughly fucking duped, and put into a life-threatening situation involving a goddamn werewolf (5).  But perhaps even worse than that, the salt in the wound, was that no one fucking did anything about it (6).  He saw Sirius and James and Remus get out of that situation without facing any sort of proper punishment (as in, they all still stayed at the school as opposed to being expelled like they DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN (At least Sirius should have been)). Dumbledore was looking out for the Marauders, but no one was looking out for Severus.  On top of that, Severus isn’t allowed to TELL anyone about it, not even Lily.  So, he goes through what was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he can’t even tell anyone that it happened.

So, what sort of support system does Severus have during all this?  He has Lily, sure (who literally told him he should be GRATEFUL to James, one of his abusers).  But, what he really has, is Slytherin House (7). I’ll say it plainly: Severus was sorted into a house that was already full of existing cult members.  McGonagall says in Sorcerer’s Stone that “Your house will be like your family” (she at least says it in the movies, I’m too lazy to get up and reference my books rn lol).  So, Severus’ family, his support system, for 10 months out of every year, is a house that is already full to the brim with pureblood elitists with prejudiced ideals, who would absolutely vindicate Severus in his dislike for muggles.  As a kid first getting sorted into the house, it’s obviously not unreasonable to become friends with the people you’re literally living with.  His dorm mates became his family.  So, when his dorm mates started to become Death Eaters… This is headcanon, I fully admit, but like, fuck, Severus didn’t have a lot of friends, and was probably already drifting apart from Lily.  Do you really think he was going to tell the people he had to live with every single day, not to mention the only people that had been supporting him for years, to go fuck themselves for using Dark Magic?  Especially when he was probably feeling like he was on the verge of thinking that their rhetoric made some sense?

On to Snape’s Worst Memory (8).  At this point, he’s spent 5 years in Slytherin House, with fellow students who casually throw around the M word.  He gets attacked by James and Sirius, he’s practically defenseless, and then the girl who he’d considered his closest friend for so long… has to force herself not to smile when he’s thrown upside down and exposed to everyone on the grounds.  Sure, she was trying to defend him at first, but she also fucking nearly smiled at his humiliation, his pain, his abuse.  So he hurls the one word that he knows is going to cut the deepest, that will hopefully hurt her as badly as she has hurt him. And it works.

Severus had been beaten down his entire life.  By Muggles and Magic Folk alike.  And finally, he’s betrayed by Lily, his last lifeline to the light.  He betrayed her as well, of course.  But he did try to show remorse.  And she doesn’t forgive him (9), which was her prerogative, of course.  

So.  Who does he have left?

I’ve placed little (numbers) throughout my writing here.  Each of those numbers denote the specific events that led Severus to becoming an angry young man, who hates muggles, hates (some) magic folk, and resulted in him feeling weak, helpless, and desperate.  For what?  For power, for a family, for a community.  For a world where he is no longer the weird one.  For a world where he’s respected, strong.  For the world he thought he was going to be a part of, when he arrived at Hogwarts in his first year.

And it just so happens that this is the exact world that Voldemort is (allegedly) trying to create.

Severus Snape was angry, and vulnerable, and as such, he was practically the poster child for the type of person who would be susceptible to falling for a cult.  Maybe he was recruited by his friends in Slytherin House.  Maybe he was recruited directly.  Either way, charismatic Tom Riddle came along, understood how he felt, where he was coming from, told him he deserved better, and offered him all of the things he never had in his life.  And being at rock bottom, being the lowest of the low, to Severus it must have seemed like a miracle of an opportunity, or perhaps, like the only chance he had left.

Now, let me be extremely clear; everything I’ve written is not trying to EXCUSE Severus Snape for his actions.  There is always a point where personal responsibility must come into play.  Except for children born into cults or victims of kidnapping, nearly every person who has ever joined a cult has made the personal decision to join it. I’m just trying to express how unbelievably easy it is, for a Cult Leader to find people with damaged lives and low self-worth, to suck them in with promises of a fulfilling life and grandeur, and for those people to be easily swept up and brainwashed into believing that what they are doing is right.  (Or that what they are doing is required, because the alternative is more horrifying.)  

The type of people who joined the Death Eaters are the same type of people who joined Heaven’s Gate, or The People’s Temple, or yes, The Manson Family.  Now, I’m just going to say, from my own personal point of view, I do not vilify anyone who’s ever joined a destructive cult.  On the contrary, I feel sorry for them.  Because most people who join a cult, don’t necessarily do it signing up for the… end result of what happened to them.  Some of them totally do, like Heaven’s Gate. Most of them knew that the end result was going to be the “evacuation of their earthly vessel”.  But the people who joined the Manson Family, for instance, did not initially join it KNOWING how it was going to end.  They were part of the family long before Manson even came up with Helter Skelter, and by the time the Tate-LaBianca Murders took place, they were already too far gone to go against it.

I highly recommend anyone who’s interested in a humanizing view of former cult members, to read the essay “Leslie Van Houten: A Friendship” by John Waters. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/leslie-van-houten-a-frien_b_246953

Or, at the very least, listen to this 7 minute NPR interview with John Waters about the essay https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111585116

It’s the story of how notorious film maker John Waters, became friends with former Manson Girl, Leslie Van Houten, and about how she broke away from the cult after her conviction, how she’s spent the last 51 years of her life recovering from the psychotic influence of a maniac who’d promised her the world, and how even though she was convicted to life WITH a possibility of parole, it’s never been granted to her, despite the fact that she has done literally everything possible to try and atone for her crimes.

Maybe I’m just a bleeding heart.  I’m pretty much the only person I know who feels sorry for Leslie Van Houten and other cult members who were brainwashed, abused, and manipulated into doing a lot of the horrible things they’ve done.  But there are people in the world, who have committed FAR more heinous crimes than the Manson Family murders, and who are far less repentant than Leslie, but because those crimes weren’t as notorious, they get to walk free.

Addendum: When I first posted this, I had a few people point out to me that they had always associated Voldemort and the Death Eaters with Hitler and Nazi Germany.  This is a perfectly fair point, but one that I personally don’t jive with, and the reason is simply the numbers.   There were literally millions of people in the Nazi party during WW2.   Death Eaters don’t even reach triple digits, as far as I’m aware.  As I hinted at in this essay, I consider Voldemort and the Death Eaters to be MUCH closer to Charles Manson and the Manson Family.  The Manson Family 100% had Nazi ideology, of course. "Helter Skelter” was Charles Manson’s prediction that there was going to be a massive race war; one that the Whites were going to lose, and that he and his Pure White family would emerge from it in order to rule over the remaining Blacks.  Kinda... sounds like a Death Eater thing, huh?

Sorry.  Back to Snape.  There is a lot we don’t know about Severus’ actual time as a Death Eater. I think it can be reasonably assumed he’s never actually killed anyone before Dumbledore (In Prince’s Tale, Severus questions if his soul would be safe from killing Dumbledore, and Dumbledore implies that his soul would not be damaged by helping an old man avoid pain and humiliation.  This leads me to believe that Severus never committed any soul-damaging murders before this).  Beyond being a sneaky spy and delivering the prophecy to Voldemort, his time as a Death Eater is all up for conjecture.  

Severus does make one important deviation from the typical cult member mold, however.  In the end, he manages to break away from the cult.  The scales fall from his eyes.  In a figurative sense, the LSD has worn off.  What made him sober up, was the threat to his last lifeline to the light. The one good fucking thing he’d ever had in his miserable life.  He was brought back by genuine love.  Ya know, the ENTIRE MESSAGE OF THE HP SERIES. And not only did he leave the cult, but he then spent the rest of his life actively attempting to destroy it, and atone for the mistakes he’s made, in an effort to bring back the world he’d been excited for, as an 11-year-old kid, so full of hope.

[seraphinitegames]

The Wayhaven Chronicles—Update 26/Feb/2021

It was all about the editing and rewriting this week! 

As you all probably know by now, editing is probably my least favourite part of the process, hehe :D

It's a time when I can way too focused on all my errors and things and can start doubting my abilities to extreme lengths.

But at the end of it all, when I've finished, and I can play it through, I get a rush of happiness! Editing is always what makes the writing shine! It's such an important part of the process, and editing is a constant ongoing thing, even after I get the 'proper' edits back from SpunkyCat I will continue to rewrite/edit/fuss with things right up until release!

I won't be sending chapter 6 over to SpunkyCat yet as she's still working through chapter 5 (chapter 5 is so big and complicated, and she is incredibly thorough, which is why it's such a joy to work with her!), and I don't want to overwhelm her, hehe!

And I also want to do as many playthroughs as I can this time seeing as it's the final demo, so I need to make sure it's as super clean as I can make it. Things are getting really entwined with branches and variables, so I want to try and catch them all if at all possible, though I will obviously be having beta testers go through it as much as possible before releasing it to you guys.

I'm still planning on a Spring release for the demo, which I hope to coincide with the merchandise release (if I can actually get Redbubble to work, lol!).

So base chapter 6 is done, but there is a scene I'm back and forth about. I love it SO much, and it gives the exact feel I want. 

(SORT OF A SPOILER BELOW)

Basically, I want it to mirror a scene in Book One. It's an opportunity to show, rather than tell, how differently the MC and the LIs respond to something like this now they know each other and have been in the world together for a while.

But it may be too early for that kind of comparison. It doesn't feel like it to me, but it's definitely something I will be asking my readers when they try it out. I so badly want to leave it in, as I adore the LI moments before hand, but I want a strong narrative, and sometimes that means you have to cut even the stuff you love!

(END OF SPOILERY BIT)

I hope you all enjoyed the February Q&A! We are so happy to see people are loving that! I admit, I am SERIOUSLY loving getting the chance to just talk for so long about Wayhaven and its characters! Typing up asks is great, but it feels more like I'm interacting with you guys when I can do it through a mic! (Nai is also really looking into getting subtitles done for the videos, or maybe transcripts, so as it's more accessible to everyone!)

Next week, I will be continuing on with testing all of the demo from start to finish, as many times as possible, getting merch really ready and getting a lot done on that, as well as starting on chapter 7-which should probably wait, but you guys know me by now, and there's no way I can go without writing, hehe! :D

Bit of an essay of an update this week, but I like to share my thought processes with you guys as I write. It kind of helps me unload at the end of a week and write down where I'm at and where I want to go! A good way to clear my head and refresh!

Hope you all have the most fabulous weekend, and I'll talk to you soon! <3

[seokwoosmole]

The King's Affection Ep 13-14 Thoughts

1. Jung Ji-un. This man deserves major praise. He really has become one of my favorite kdrama characters. Throughout the show, it's been proved how selfless he is and how he always puts Dami first. She has just revealed a major secret to him, that she is in actuality, not a man, but a woman – and honestly speaking, anyone would be extremely shocked if they were in Ji-un's place. Because yes, this is shocking to him from a lover's standpoint because he had fallen for a man but it's also shocking as a subject who has now discovered that the Crown Prince of Joseon isn't even a prince, but a princess. And he doesn't freak out (at least, he does a good job at not showing it). He puts any questions, concerns, etc. aside, takes like 10 seconds to process, then just moves on by taking care of her wound and gathering wood to start a fire. And I love the way Ji-un handled the conversation between him and Dami after he had taken some time to think for himself (that also stood out to me – he didn't act confrontational by bombarding her with questions or run away, he simply took some time by himself to think and when she approached him, he welcomed her company). I enjoyed that he made no dismissive comments about his feelings towards her when he thought she was a man. He apologized for not realizing the truth sooner, not because he was sorry for having feelings for a man, but because him knowing that she was a woman might have made it easier on her and she'd have someone to confide in and one less person to have her guard up around and make an effort to hide her secret in front of. His thoughts about the whole situation had nothing to do with his personal feelings but how Dami felt. His reassuring clarification that "nothing has changed for me. It is you that I am looking at. And that is all I need." made it ever better. And also him assuring her that she doesn't owe him an explanation?? I just loved him even more. He understands that her predicament is clearly complicated and has been extremely hard on her, and that is all he needs to know. He doesn't ask for any reason or explanation for anything. Her being with him now is enough.

2. Honestly, I could write entire essays about Jung Ji-un but I won't. I'm moving on...to Kim Ga-on. To be honest, even though they've given us small glimpses into his life and his father, I still feel as though I don't know him very well. But I desperately want to!!! He's such a mysterious and complicated character, I can't help but be intrigued by him. I'm hoping in the next set of episodes, we can get a proper dive into who he is. I want the whole run-down👏🏽

3. Okay I know I said I'd stop talking about Ji-un but that tree cuddle scene??? This casual talking of what their future together will be like??? My heart is melting...

4. Okay when Yoon Hyeong-Seol (had to look up his character name lol) was tied up and did that water trick I was like YES MY MAN. And when Hyun walked in??? MY OTHER MAN

5. Ji-un getting Hwi an outfit to match his? Coincidence? I think not. Man wrote a fancy quote on a piece of parchment as a grand metaphor for his loyalty and gratitude. Jung Ji-un is not above couple outfits.

6. Who was Dami in her past life and whose bad side did they get on because her life sucks. First her family tries to kill her for being a girl so she lives out in the mountains as an orphan, then her home burns down and she becomes a palace maid, then her brother dies, has to say goodbye to her first love/childhood friend, is forced to live her brother's life as the crown prince, her mother dies, and now her father too?? Homegirl can't catch a break. If she doesn't get a happy ending I'm wreaking havoc.

7. UGHHHHHH. Ji-un coming into the palace after losing Dami. Literally just the day before they were talking about moving in together and cooking meals and whatnot and now their love is even more impossible than it was before and even though he's begging her to leave the palace with him, he just keeps looking at her wound and points out that it's not fully healed and asks to tend to it. At the end of the day, she is his number one priority no matter what. I so feel for Dami here though because she looks so pained (more so than when she was wounded) because she so badly wants to be with Ji-un. Props to Park Eunbin because even though she did have dialogue here, she didn't have to say anything for me to know exactly what she was feeling. This yearning, sad, almost scared look in her eyes said it all. Because she wants nothing more than to leave the palace with Ji-un but leaving means that her Court Lady and Eunuch and Ji-un will suffer the consequences and the thought of that happening is much worse. Which leads me to...

8. I hate evil grandfather. How dare he threaten my dearest court lady and precious eunuch and favorite historical himbo. This show better end with him getting the karma he deserves.

9. Poor Queen. I feel for her. I really do. At least with Hyun, he's accepted that him and Dami can't be together and that his feelings won't be reciprocated and why. Poor Queen is completely clueless.

10. And also...other Queen...as in Dami's mother. DID SHE HAVE NO PLAN FOR THE DAY WHEN DAMI BECOMES KING AND HAS TO PRODUCE AN HEIR??? WHY DID NO ONE PLAN FOR THIS DAY??? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Dami found a loophole but didn't they often blame inability to conceive on the mother? The Queen is either going to tell someone the King has been refusing her or she'll get severely punished or condemned. Either way...both are not exactly fun options.

11. Also when Ji-un holds Dami when she was almost caught by the guards and she leans into his chest for a moment before breaking away😭

12. I want Dami and Ji-un to be free to pursue their love but Hyun is right. It most likely will not end well and they will both get hurt in the end. I hate that he had to say that, but I also really admire him for it. At the end of the day, he too, prioritizes Dami over everything else. I know some people blame Ji-un for too boldly pursuing Dami in the palace knowing how dangerous it could be for her if they get caught which is why they like Hyun more, but the situation is very different for the both of them and I don't think it can be compared. I'm team Dami/Hwi x Ji-un all the way, but don't get me wrong, I love Hyun. But the difference between Hyun and Ji-un is that Dami actually returns Ji-un's feelings. Even if the situation was different and they could be together, they still wouldn't be since Dami doesn't have any romantic feelings for Hyun. However, Dami does care for Ji-un romantically and Ji-un knows that. If Hyun were in Ji-un's place, he might be as bold as him in pursuing his feelings. If it's hard for one person to hold back their love for another person, it's also very hard for two people to hold back their love for each other knowing that the feelings are mutual but they aren't allowed to act on it. I'm not invalidating Hyun's feelings or saying that Ji-un is being wise by pursuing Dami which could compromise her safety, but they're both in love with her and want to protect her and do that in different ways. Hyun protects her by making sure her secret is kept, Ji-un protects her by staying by her side. And Dami is making her own choices here too. She knows the price if she gets caught as well but takes the risk.

13. Dami is so good at investigating matters and rooting out injustice. She would be a great leader. Too bad everyone is sexist and tried to kill her and will likely try to kill her again🙄

14. Love is blind. No, like actually. This is the second time Dami & Ji-un be having a romantic moment in public while being watched by someone and they didn't see a THING.

15. Good job Ji-un's dad. You caught your son making out with the girl whose brother you killed while trying to kill her.

16. Preview's got me hyped for many reasons. Kim Ga-on finding out the King is a woman?? Ji-un getting jealous?? Secret palace dating?? Ji-un maybe hopefully getting closer to finding out Hwi is Dami?? (actually, no, I don't think I want that. I really liked that Dami herself got to tell Ji-un her first secret. I'd like it if she got to tell him her second one too) Ji'un's dad tryna kill Dami?? He better not...

[starvels]

5, 16, 27, 38, 49 <3

hi sweet ev! thanks for asking 💖

answering asks from this fic writer's meme!

5. how long have you been writing?

i would say i've been writing since i was a kid ! i've always loved poems and prose and i made up two whole fantasy verses and started writing them and character designing when i was like, 10. so longer fiction has always appealed to me. i was the annoying kid that always wanted an essay in school instead of multiple choice, haha.

but yeah, for fandom: i started writing naruto fic when i was in my early teens too, that never saw the light of day. then i was in og spn fandom for a bit and marvel and a:tla and fma and then one direction and then all the way back to naruto and marvel to publish a shit ton of words. life's a circle is the answer!

16. easiest verse to write

mm interesting question!

i feel like i go through phases. for me at this moment, 1872 is real easy to slide into, but in general, we were meant as a verse is very easy to write (and does still have two sequels on my drive awaiting my attention span long enough to finish) and respiraro, si te videro, which uh, i guess its a secret but i have...already started writing...more for...dkjnbkd

27. best review you ever got

oooh difficult! i won't say reviews are best or worst type things, so here are two (relatively) recent ones that i hold p dear:

on rstv:

I'm losing my mind, this is so good. The way you wove the requested elements in, and gave them narrative purpose and emotional weight and coherence within the universe as written. The way you didn't handwave stuff away, physical or emotional, and let revelations and character development be messy and imperfect for both of them.

which felt rly good bc rstv is actually a much heavier plot than i usually do and it is such a complex one to boot, that i was worried about conveying everything well. really affirmed that i am capable of doing this level of intricacy in plot crafting, to me!

and someone in my dune discord server shared with me what they said to a friend of theirs abt my writing in general:

do you ever read something in a style you could probably never write in and just feel this feeling that's like half awe and half burning jealousy? like I this isn't even how I write, but I wish I could write like this, because I like it so much

which felt very uplifting and delightful, coming from a person who is as technically skilled and well read as they are. i've had some worries about how purple my prose is and how meandering my plots are and when i hear things that say my style in particular is enjoyable, it really makes me arthur_clench_fist.gif feel a lot!

38. do you reread your own stories?

oh absolutely, lol. i love what i write, it's catered to my niche interests. i have rstv open on my phone right now for pre-bed reading. and i do reread fics a lot in totality when i'm working on writing them, so i keep everything tidy and structured proper in my head, so i've been reading stop bath and devils in the canyon a lot lately.

will also say - i do read some of my own fics more than others. the ones i've written in massive marathon sprints of 10k a day (rstv, aws, wwm verse, wwwg, etc.) are in some ways more fun to read than ones i spent a long time writing, because they still feel a little mmmm shiny and i haven't worried so much about one line or another that it gives me stress to recall.

49. writing advice

identify what it is that you actually love about writing, and cultivate a relationship with the craft through that. hold onto the good feeling it inspires within you. don't worry so much about process or plot structure. take risks. take inspiration and organize it so you can actually look through it when you need inspiration. read people's work who write what you wanna write and how you wanna write and publish where you wanna write. find your community and be vocal in it; ask about your insecurities if you decide that improving on the craft is what you wanna do.

writing is a bit like carefully preparing meticulous slices of your heart for people to slurp down in a second. learn to meter out how much labor and expectation you want to extend to that cooking. don't take it to heart when people leave without a word to the chef. they still ate it.

find your community and be vocal in it!! nothing replaces a comforting voice in the middle of a vortex of self doubt, calling out to you to go the fuck to sleep because none of the demons roaming your work page at 4AM care about your delicate feelings.

[straykats]

ballet slipper (can't help just love ballet too much), rose and coral <33

ballet slipper— with only one word, describe how you feel at this moment

unwell (rip). i have a stomach ache that literally just settled in as i was copying the questions over. i also feel kinda nauseous, i'm assuming bc of a car ride i was in an hour ago. yes i still feel sick from a ride an hour ago. perhaps, then, it's not car sickness but i actually just need to rest lol

rose— do you believe in soulmates? why or why not?

no HAHA but i definitely enjoy a good soulmate au (wink wonk). why don't i believe in soulmates? well, here me out on this one (or don't - it's really up top u whether u read the answer HAHA) and bare with me making this a lot deeper than it actually is. i'll answer below the cut tho bc im gonna go on an unnecessarily long ramble HAHAHAHAHAHAH but i love going on rambles about things like this and breaking it down and exploring the ideas associated so. but the short answer is that no, i don't believe in soulmates because the idea of 'fate' can kind of suck.

coral— what’s something you’re passionate about?

music! writing! the shadowhunter chronicles! criminal minds! human connection and development-esqe things? see below for an example.

[ send me a pink themed ask! ]

so,,, why don't i believe in soulmates?

well, if soulmates exist (and i say 'soulmates' referring to just... ur fated person, not red string of fate or other soul mate au. soulmate in the most... biological/physiological way possible; coming from the same star or smth. i dont remember the whole thing but theres a theory/idea that you and your soulmate come from the same star and when the star burst the atoms created you and ur partner etcetc idk it's my favourite soulmate theory/au thing but anyways) GETTING BACK ON TRACK. if soulates exist, that kind of alludes to the idea that... everything happens/happened for a reason.

the idea of a soulmate existing, of someone who.. idk, makes up for your faults, who always manages to deal with your faults and who's your perfect other half etc. is like.. it.. means that if A and B are soulmates, then the existence of A means that all of the things that happened to B happened for a reason to enable A to be that perfect puzzle piece that fits right in. i don't know if that makes sense.

we are who we are because of the thigns that we experience - all of our our strengths come from the challenges we face, and all of the positive encouragers in our life. our supports facilitate our development, but our challenges also shape us, as much as we hate it. taking the easy example of trauma - our trauma response in both the short and long term affects how we act and how we react to things. the idea of a soul,ate who just.. naturally understands and is able to facilitate these (potentially) disabling responses means that the traumatic event was. idk. fated to happen. happened for a reason, etc.

and that's not to say that no one exists out there who will be able to facilitate and understand and love someone despite their 'flaws', but the concept of a 'soulmate' somehow takes away the humanness of human connection?

if A is able to accomodate all of B's 'flaws', it should be because they want to and because they, somewhere along the line, have learnt hte skills to do that, and the people who taught/displayed the skills did so not because it was 'fated' but because that's how humanity works and- and maybe yeah this is because i don't want to believe that a lot of the things i and other people have experienced was 'meant' to happen for some reason, but yeah.

i don't know man i could go on for EVER about this. idek if what i've said has made sense. and i know the question probably isn't as deep as i made it out to be but i love talking about human connection and about how everything makes us us and maybe not exactly in a psychoanalytical way but if i understoood the concepts of psychoanalysis i would have typed up a proper 3000word essay.

[collectionoftulips]

Also, I feel like I'm nearing the end of the current fic (still got at least two or three chapters left). I'm really enjoying getting back into writing again, but I'm currently in a headspace where I don't have much of my own ideas - so if anyone wants to suggest story prompts for me to write as my next fic in the comments, I'd very happily look at them and try to write something else once I'm done with this fic. I also realise I've been a bit behind answering comments, so I'll do that below. Thank you so much for them and your continued lovely support as always, Tumblr fam :D

@angel-starbeam They need to talk. Anthony needs to do the love confession. Oh god. I'm at the edge of my seat.

My reply: ❤️ Aww. they really do need to talk. Also I'm so glad that it's so engaging - that's all I really want with my fics. Also, I sort of decided to end the chapter where I did because basically, Anthony's brain short-circuited.

@kateschechterxthorwasmyfirstotp Oh wow Mary - just stab Anthony directly in the heart, it would be kinder LOL! I love the sweet friendship between Thomas and Kate, and Benedict’s support of Anthony. It may take forever and all of freaking Mayfair but eventually K/A will be forcibly removed of their clown shoes to have a grown up conversation.

My reply: I love how Anthony was like 'Dorset marrying Kate - it's a horrible notion, things can't get worse' and in waltzes Mary, oblivious, and basically goes 'actually here's how to make everything 50 times worse' haha. I felt very strongly about Thomas and Kate's friendship and them being like exes basically (also, if he wasn't her ex, the fic would have ended up in a much darker horrid place when I think about what would happen to a young woman, with no connections, no money, basically barred from ever being in 'good society' because of the Sheffields etc, and I just firmly believed that Kate has and continued to suffer enough. It'd also have a lot of other implications but that's a different essay haha) K/A are basically really allergic to a proper conversation, aren't they? (I also blame the rigidity and the classism of the Regency period) Your comment really made me laugh :D

Unrelated thought no one probably asked for: If anyone else picked up the way I wrote Benedict reacting to finding out to Kate by being like 'but she's the exception because look at how many good connections she has!' that was entirely intentional to keep some of the classism embedded in even in Benedict's support of their union. I didn't want to do like a 'I appreciate one person with limited financial means so therefore I understood how fundamentally fucked our society is when it comes to class!' type of stories because a) that's not how that stuff works and b) because of the time period and the mindset of basically most characters, I don't think that would be likely (I haven't read Benedict's book so if something in that says otherwise I don't know about it). Anyway, don't know if it was obvious but it was a small detail I cared a lot about.