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everythingsinred · 11 months

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Family and the Institution of Alice Academy

Was thinking about this ever since someone (I forgot specifically who, sorry) posed a question like this in the GA discord, asking about (I think) Natsume's extended family or something like that. It was a really interesting concept that I've been thinking a lot about since it was brought up, so here are the thoughts I've accumulated. I'll try to be concise but I have a LOT of thoughts and my brain is messy.

My general opinion at the end of all this thinking I did is that I don't think Academy students typically have very close familial ties after graduating.

I think the most apparent reason for that would be that students are expected to graduate when they are twenty years old. Our main four are exceptions to the rule, coming to the Academy pretty late in life. Most children are taken early, as toddlers or even babies. Natsume, Ruka, and Hotaru's families did all they could to avoid Academy scouting. Mikan was entirely accidental--if she had never met Hotaru, she might have never even found out she was an Alice to begin with. That being said, most kids were separated from their families at a very young age, only to be allowed to reunite with them once they're already adults. For many students, they've been away from their parents for close to two decades.

On top of that, the Academy doesn't allow visitations or phone calls and severely restricts letter communications. Only one child from each class is allowed to return home for one week each year, and that one week does not do much to make up for all the time spent at school.

My point is that by the time students are allowed to see their families again, that familial bond has already been severed, for all intents and purposes. That feeling of closeness and protection no longer exists. Students will feel more closeness and connection to their classmates and even to their teachers than to their parents or siblings, and as a result, I can imagine many graduates not even bothering to visit their families.

While I was pondering this, I made the connection between Academy students and the real life example of a similar situation with Janissaries from the Ottoman Empire. Basically, Janissaries were children stolen from the subjugated people under Ottoman rule. They were taken for the purpose of a "child levy", also known as a "blood tax." Some children were even willingly given by their families due to the possibility of socially advancing, and because the children were promised first class status (sound familiar?). Essentially the children were taken, forced to comply with Ottoman standards and traditions (including forced conversions and circumcisions), and then trained for military service. These soldiers would actually end up being incredibly loyal and efficient, despite likely never seeing their families again.

(Edit: forced circumcisions are particularly heinous when you consider that the children were typically at least 10 years old at the time they were taken.... so.... uh.... not pleasant.... But also interesting that the Janissaries were typically much older than the Alice children at the time of being taken.)

That level of separation doesn't endear ties; it severs them. These Janissaries--very often forcefully taken from their families--ended up growing up with very little connection to their parents or siblings. The feeling of belonging to their previous communities was gone. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. This was done as a means of creating a strong military force but also to disillusion subjugated communities and tear away their hope. Their children could always be taken; their communities could always be crushed, even without the use of physical force. It's a very effective tool to oppress a group of people.

(There's actually a lot of similarities between Academy children and Janissaries beside the separation of children from their families. They were also paid for their service and were high ranking; the Academy students are given an allowance and many of them, despite being stolen from their families, have a sense of superiority over non-Alices. They feel like they are treasures, and are of higher value and rank. Additionally, Academy students, especially in the DA class, are highly trained and efficient child soldiers, much like the Janissaries. Janissaries are actually a super interesting historical topic and are worth looking into!)

We can even see the effect of this distance when Yuka escapes the Academy and runs away to her family. Yuka was essentially sold to the Academy, with her parents trading her in exchange for money and status. She was very young, far too young to really understand that her parents had abandoned her. As a result, she romanticized her bond with them, and the longer she was separated from them, the more that bond became fantastical. She made many attempts to escape the school to reunite with her parents and she fantasized about seeing them again. When she finally is able to, it's nothing like she imagined. They're cold, and unfamiliar. They don't recognize her. She doesn't know her brothers. They're related, but there's no real connection.

"I shouldn't have come here."

Yuka's is an extreme example, but I'm sure she's not an exception. For most Academy students, the almost 20 years of separation from their parents would be too much to ignore. They would not recognize each other, or be close. I'm sure many parents did not sell their children like Yuka's family did, but the bond between child and family had not been nurtured the way it should have been, resulting in coldness and distance.

Because of that, I doubt most students even bother seeking their families out, or even if they do, it's to visit a few times before starting a new life with a career. That familial bond, now broken, is difficult to repair. The connections people often feel with their families or hometowns is something Academy students instead feel with each other. They are all Alices, all in the same boat together. That feeling of superiority that many kids feel means they view each other as on the same level, and I'm sure that could interfere with family connection as well.

Thus, I don't think there's many multigenerational Alice families out there with close bonds. I don't think families like Natsume's have strong ties with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Even the sibling bonds at the Academy are stunted, with the Imai and Shouda siblings being the prime examples of that.

The Imai siblings have a significant age difference, yes, but additionally the Imai parents had a very different approach to Hotaru after seeing what happened with Subaru. They refused to hand her over as easily, wanting to show her important things in life and build happy memories for as long as they could. Even when Hotaru does enter the school, it's more than six months before she even comes across her brother, since the high school and elementary school are not integrated with each other and they do not belong to the same ability class. Similarly, the Shouda siblings are in different ability classes but they have a much smaller age gap. Despite this, Sumire refers to her brother very respectfully, indicating that there isn't a particular closeness.

The Imais fight against this divide, and put in genuine effort into rebuilding their relationship, but it's a difficult process, and one they struggle to admit to for a long time and for various reasons. Familial closeness is not encouraged, not even within the Academy.

(Though Natsume's bond with Aoi is exploited and the school does rely on him caring for her to take advantage of him, but ultimately he is kept from seeing her. Thus, that bond is also severed despite being exploited.)

Additionally, it would make sense to me if many Alice graduates decided to, upon having children, avoid scouting, like Natsume's parents did, and thus ended up moving around a lot to escape Academy notice. Moving around like that and laying low means that you're not going to be hosting huge family reunions or inviting relatives over often, even if all the other points were moot.

Finally, I think all this creates further obstacles for Yuka's wish to "have a family." At some point she says that, for normal people, the desire to settle down with someone and start a family is a pretty modest goal, but for Alices it's almost impossible. Escaping from the school, or even graduating, is a struggle. And you can have a kid, but it's likely that child will be taken from you, just as you were taken, and by the time the child graduates, they will have no connection with you. Wanting to be a potential grandparent, for example, might seem like a definite impossibility, since being a real parent is impossible.

It's even more proof that the Academy exists as an institution to subjugate and undermine Alices, as children and then as parents. Ultimately, an Alice never has control, not as a child and not even as an adult. The pain doesn't end once you've graduated; in fact, it never does.

#gakuen alice #ga #my meta #ga meta #azumi yuka #hyuuga natsume #alice academy #yes there are kids who lose their alices and thus leave early #i think those kids might find more luck reestablishing familial bonds #also there seem to be a few powerful and intergenerational families within the alice system #but those families seem rather to be in control of the school... theyd be the puppetmasters essentially #and thus might not be as victimized as normal families like natsume's.... he clearly has no power or control in the alice world AT ALL.#so yes i think those big and powerful families are exceptionally rare and thus not as relevant to this post #theyre not 'subjugated' like most other alice families are... idk how else to phrase that #feel free to hmu with ur thoughts on this topic! its super fascinating to me as yet another example of the academys many atrocities #and one i hadnt even properly thought of to this degree until recently!#its so very fun to discover and consider new aspects of ga lore or implications in the story! i love it so much!#i just cant see myself ever getting tired of analyzing this manga #i didnt actually narrow in on any one character but yuka seems to be the best example of my points so i focus on her the most #if u want we can talk abt other characters and families and discuss how the academy affected those bonds!#what an interesting concept.... im having a blast thinking abt all this rn

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apotelesmaa · 7 months

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A while back I saw sm1 saying tsukasa expresses emotions like it’s his first time experiencing them & while it’s very funny and true I think it’s also worth noting that unlike tv/movie actors, stage actors have to really exaggerate their body language/expressions so that their emotions are readable for everyone in the theatre. On screen you can easily pick up the micro expressions on an actor’s face because you’re like 5 ft away at most and the camera often zooms in on their face. From the back of the theatre you can’t read subtle expressions so the actors need to over emphasize and use their whole body. All this to say: given that u cannot take the theatre kid out of tsukasa I feel like his acting just bled into how he expresses his emotions.

Emu also does the body language thing but it’s harder to tell as she’s normally expressing a smaller range of emotions than tsukasa (she’s naturally joyous and whimsical creature & tsukasa is usually given ample reasons to express annoyance). I think that’s more of a result of her exaggerating her happiness so that other people are also happy rather than an acting thing though. Gestures at her refusing to show negative emotions. Entertainer/clown (actual clowns, not the insult) vs stage actor. Really good examples of them doing this is the clip of rui imitating tsukasa & the clip of nene imitating emu.

#project sekai #don’t misinterpret this he’s not like. pretending to feel whatever he’s expressing. he’s acting the emotions he feels.#he’s capable of not doing that esp when he needs to be serious. his normal is just stage acting behavior.#knowledge I gained from 1) having a theatre kid sister who was rlly good at this 2) doing photography for her shows 4 newspaper #she got put on the no print list (list for ppl who are photographed all the time who need to not be photographed so others can be in photos)#bc she specifically was very very good at doing this and it resulted in really good & clearly readable photos #2 a lesser extent I do this as well bc of her influence I just emote less #don’t think it’s a stretch to say that it’s intentional given the implication that he’s so loud bc he’s used to projecting his voice while #he performs.#to clarify wrt emu I think if she was to express more negative emotions they would be more subdued.#unless it was for a role in which case she feels more comfortable not expressing joy 24/7.#i could go on a tangent abt ‘tsukasa doesn’t express his true emotions’ fanon when 1) he does. very obviously. 2) *emu* doesn’t but that #gets ignored. hello. nene having to tell emu it’s ok to cry and rely on wxs to comfort her.#even in the main story where she’s like devestated and blaming herself for wxs breaking up #she’s still smiling when she’s telling tsukasa that she made everybody sad and ruined everything (her view not mine)#mafuyu emu parallels… hm.#i don’t think emu’s ever been shown pissed off id be interested in seeing how she expresses that.#speaking of the it’s ok to cry thing if I don’t get that card when it runs on global I’m going to fuckin lose it. gay ass card.#this is getting long and I have stuff to do but as a side note nene & rui both hide their emotions #nene bc she’s shy & doesn’t show her true hater self unless she’s with friends #& rui because he’s used to being alone & struggles to identify his own emotions #at some point I’m sure I’ll ramble incoherently about how a lot of the issues ppl project onto tsukasa r issues he doesn’t experience #but *emu* does but nobody ever takes her character seriously so it gets ignored.#colopale do an event where nene encourages emu to b ok with showing minor negative emotions please please please

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potatochip-oc-dump · 7 months

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YEAAHHHH WOOOOO *whooping and clapping and cheering*

#oc #carolyne “princess” castelle #oc ref #anthro #original character #OUUUHHH ok im finally satisfied with her design i think #one of my favorite drawings i have done of her i think........... in terms of looks #like in this one i think u can tell more clearly that something is off abt her because in all of the other ones #she just looks like she is smiling normally & just has messy hair #la la la i love her #i think that also confirms that her name is probably staying as carolyne castelle #her colors to me feel like .... they must be very desaturated and light. i want her to be very pale #in like a way that gives off an.... old and abandoned feeling? u know?#like a dusty mirror not taken care of. or something #i want her to be pale in a way that looks sickly #because something something in am effort to force herselg into the mold of a perfect girl she lost herself along the way #something something shes lost her color #FADED thats the word i was looking for #she also has two major designs methinks which means i may give her another outfit at a later date

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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...

#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad #bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young #and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder #but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small #and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible #grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing #and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is #probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a #fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong #with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality #and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever #as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun #its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to #read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like #yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess #i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she #clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate #unrelated

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datastate · 2 years

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gashu’s intentions behind rangers creation is put in an entirely new light now... the lack of positive emotions was purposeful. he regrets ever letting kai and sei see each other as anything other than rivals. not stepping in soon enough - although at the time he didn't have any idea the lengths asunaro would take to curate their finest assassin, that doesn't stop the guilt.

rather than jealousy toward a specific person, as kai would’ve faced, rio’s resentment is toward humanity as a whole and awaits the spark for it.

the ‘spark’ in this case, would be the candidate he kills purely to destroy the inferiority he feels toward them - in particular it’s this sibling relationship he sees himself fit to rise above (which is... deeply ironic with the information we now know, and also genuinely does indicate his ability to kill kai wouldn’t have been hindered if they’d never connected on a personal level. if gashu had remained a trainer from an objective stance from the start...)

however much it would prove to gashu that sei would be ‘stronger’ than kai once pushed to this point, it’s also very telling that he would’ve inevitably faced execution as well out of his own version of ‘selfishness’ ... it’s interesting to see what motivates both kai and sei to pursue ‘victory’ - for kai, it’s those glimpses of affection gashu does offer; for sei, it is to disprove he’s ‘just a pawn’ which creates a problem in its own right should he disobey asunaro’s word in the future.

neither was ever meant to succeed, but gashu still lingers on what could’ve been... hm.

#very normal feelings abt this. clearly #i honestly do have some critiques with kai's ministory x_x but for the most part i understand what nankidai was going for #jestersvaguely #yttdposting #yttd meta #yttdlb

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llumimoon · 1 year

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👀 (any dndads au you feel like sharing, lovebird! hope you're having a wonderful day btw 💜💜💜)

Hehehehe HIII HAPPI <3 I am having a wonderful day tysm!! :D I hope you are too <3

I'm trying to think abt if I have any aus that you don't already know about BWCEUAHAHAAH and im not sure how much you know abt the most recent one I've made

OOOH I have got this one fantasy AU I haven't touched in a while but I think would be really fun to revisit sometime! <3

The idea is that there's this ancient curse that's been unleashed on the land creating this magic rot that's slowly been devouring forests, towns, and eventually maybe even whole kingdoms! The rot can overtake animals and people, warping them into dangerous mirrors of their past self, this AU's take on doodlerization. the sauce if you will <3

Taylor is a member of the royal court of the Kingdom of Hell (son of the first prince Nick) and Link is his loyal guard and bestie who keeps him from dying in their shenanigans and escapades. They have a silly goofy, I've known you my whole life and I will die to protect you bc you're the person dearest to me also ur a dumbass who's stupid as fuck, energy going on <3 friends to dumbasses to lovers <3

Normal is a regular villager who recently happened to score an apprenticeship with the castle healer! Apparently his dad knew someone in the court and managed to pull some strings, wonder what that's all about. (spoiler alert: its pretty important and he's also secretly royalty but doesn't know it)

Scary is an amateur witch <3 She saw her mom start dating the castle wizard and was like FUCK THAT GUY AND HIS STUFFY BOOKS. BET I COULD DO THAT BUT BETTER AND COOLER AND LESS NERDY. So she's been sneaking off to practice magic with rudimentary materials and a few nicked things Terry left around their cottage.

Turns out Scary has a natural talent for certain parts of magic because she accidentally stumbles upon a prophecy outlining the world's possible end unless a certain group of people go to the ruins of a lost kingdom to stop the rot. And when she finds out who those people are she's like FUUUUUCK. bc now she's gotta find a way to sneak into the castle to somehow find these losers, one of which is apparently a PRINCE !! and then they've all gotta go out and not die on an adventure or else EVERYONE'S gonna die. and like she can't be bothered but also ig it would be kind of cool to shove it in her stepdad's face that she's more awesome than him and saved the world so. off she goes!

Hermie's the second prince who is often overshadowed by his older half brother. He happens to overhear the group talk about the prophecy around the time they're preparing to leave and tags along to prove his worth to his dads and also have people pay attention for him for once goddamn !!!!! also the healer boy is kinda cute <3

Cue super fun goofy and exciting magical fantasy quest !!! Secrets are revealed! Bonds are formed! Possible corruption? MAYHAPS! Also where even ARE the ruins of the kingdom of Oakvale no one seems to have heard of it at all! All while the rot continues to spread....

#ask #happi-tree #cal rambles #dndads #hehehehe thank you so much for indulging me <3333 #i know i took a little bit to respond sorry abt that <- i tried thinking abt aus to talk abt then i fell asleep and had to do hw #you know all my big ones already n lately ive mostly been scheming w/ nyx abt aus so im hesitant to call them my own without mentioning them #so my brain blanked i was like Uh. UH. HEVEGAJAHAHAJA #there are some little fun ideas i plan on elaborating on later i think!! havent told anyone abt em yet so hehe they're some fun bonuses #angel n demon au !! link's an angel taylor's a demon #i was thinking scary could be a fallen angel its just been normal i've been stuck on LMAO #bc i've been thinking abt how fun it is with how link and taylor have p clear angel demon imagery to me #while scary and normal feel more... in between? like yin yang type not all good not all bad #thought it could be fun to play with the idea of. Scary very recently fell as an angel due to Willy's influence #versus Normal who comes from a family of fallen angels ('corrupted' by the Doodler) but is trying to redeem himself and his family as well #with a storyline playing with the concept or morality and clearly defining good and bad with angels and demons #good omens style LMAO <3 Link and Taylor as an angel and demon DO remind me of Crowley and Aziraphale #Demon who's got a little too good of a heart to be evil and an Angel who's a little too much of a bastard to be purely good #ALSO been playing around with the idea of a fae au teheheehe #anyways rhat angel demon one really got away from me LMAO #its been a passing thought these past few days but i havent thought up like an actual plot line just alignments #so i havent mentioned it #WILL GET TO THE OTHER AU ASKS BTW EJWBAHAHAH #im jusy a VERY wordy rambler so it may take some time </3 #long post #HELP almost forgot that one #me n my walls of text <3

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lipstickontheglass1985 · 7 months

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mcr warsaw artist here: exactlyyyyy warszawa centralna... i had to hoof it there from the show in the middle of the night and then wait until 4-5 am to actually get home. you couldn't walk without stepping on an mcr fan in that place.

yeah i was lucky enough to have a place to stay overnight after the concert (cause like man staying at the station overnight sounds honestly kinda awful esp with how overcrowded it seemed) but before that me and my friends headed there cause we were hungry and everything else other than the 24/7 fast food joints at the station was closed at this point and it was like. such a surreal experience. like stepping into an alternate reality where 90% of warsaws population suddenly got really into red eyeshadow

#its like past midnight. were all still a bit out of it cause we just left the show and. my chemical romance was real in stage in front of us #and we step into this mcdonalds and its like. not only is it extremely full (which maybe is normal for that place idk i dont live in warsaw #but clearly 90% of people present came back from the concert #so its like mcr merch dark clothing dramatic makeup with a tasteful splatter of fake blood #altogether a very particular type of 2000s fashion everywhere #and the contrast with like the unnaturally bright lighting and the cheery marketing visual choices is so jarring it gets hilarious #i am honestly so fascinated abt what it must have been like for like regular ppl who just happened to be at the station then #must have been even more of a perplexing experience being in the middle of it as Just Some Guy #anyway ive said that already in the tags but i loved yr piece so much #i feel like you really captured what felt special abt that show #im probably biased cause it was My Show but this will always be my most beloved 2022 show. and one of the best nights of my life in general #ask

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buysomecheese · 1 year

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I want a dissertation on brotherhood in relation to birth order and senses of responsibility focusing on Eric Matthews and his relationship to school, sexuality, *homo*sexuality, and masculinity and how he projects/protects Cory through all of this and I want it NOW!

(Lots of fun little unorganized thoughts in tags <3)

#I feel like I could hella write that this summer #hmmm #thinking about what I'll want to major in starting fall '24 and I'll go into medicine eventually but an english major... looking pretty nic #for now at least #this specific topic is because I Love Eric Matthews like I'm only in s2 but he's so. he loves his siblings so so so much and it's so obviou #I've heard there's some contention btwn him and his father and ofc I've heard about Eric and Jack and AUGH it's gonna give me SO MUCH-#-material to work with! his relationship with Feeny is just starting to become what I've seen people talk about and! there are So many-#-implications with it I just!!#he's clearly such a good role model for Cory and very much wants to protect/guide him from some of the lesions in guidance allowed by their #-parents #(I'm an older brother and I See how much more my younger brother gets away with and I wasn't as good about it as Eric but I have tried-)#(-coparenting before and Eric is just so much more subtle/helpful with it. our age gaps are different which is def relevant but jfdhbdj)#clearly his failings in school act as a buffer for Cory's; clearly he's trying to watch out for Cor falling into the same dating traps-#-(they keep mirroring? hello??) clearly there's something abt friendship models as well #and we all know that shory is SO homoerotic and while his parents aren't like homophobes it's def Eric who's making jokes and treating it-#-so normally (esp! for a 90s show) that is makes me wonder how his friendships have been shaped by his attitudes towards platonic (?) male-#-sensuality/physicality. how his parents had acted in the past that Cor is unaware of (they are 4-5 yrs apart) that fucked up Eric and how-#-he's trying to protect Cor and how A&A are letting it slide more bc of how it fucked Eric. a lot of this is wishful projecting oops #(A&A is Amy & Alan)#and Eric is just so. comfortably masculine like he's such a little guy augh #all of the men in this show are so Generally positively masculine like even Harley is like that- he's amused by these little 7th graders-#-who can't seem to leave them alone and he threatens them a lot but after he saw Eric sticking up for Cor (+ Mr. Turner) he seems to-#-respect the whole family a lot more. and his respect/caring for TK is insane and his Freddie+Joey (clearly in love idc) are simply allowed #-to exist and are protected and supported by him- Harley (the closest we've seen to toxic masculinity so far barring maybe Alan but idk)#and don't even get me STARTED on Mr. Turner and Mr. Feeny ugh. those two + Cor OH SHIT they are the maid the mother the crone but men lowke #motifs of 3 (we started Brodeck's Report in eng today) and mirrors and foreshadowing etc etc #anyways that's why I'd focus on Eric bc I can't stop thinking abt EVERYONE and that would be Too long of an essay #parallels btwn Jason (or Jack we'll see)/Eric and Shawn/Cory could SO work with that #would not bring in GMW though that would also be Too long of an essay #pavloving myself into loving analysis of media bc of IB english <3 stockholm type beat

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1980ssunflower · 2 years

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#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980 #WAILS AND CRIES #MY BABIES #IM GOING TO DIE AND COMBUST INTO FLAMES #you guys have no idea what im like when i go so carefully through eps for screencaps #i am both SO deranged but silly GDFHSJK #im just giggling and kicking my feet around and gushing to myself abt how adorable they both are #my genuine real true soulmates...#i feel so soft and mushy #id trade my life to go live w them in their world and time ;;#id do anything to hold them both close and press soft little kisses wherever i can #jdfks sometimes i think i must look so silly being so desperately and hopelessly in love w 2 very normal and tbh troubled guys #theyre both just silly nerds who have like SO many issues and argh just... there is so much to them #ahh i love them both sm #ryan is so silly and ik min is silly too despite us not getting to see much of what he REALLY is like when he lets himself go #since yknow he was trying to be the person his parents wanted him to be during the season #but he clearly shows that he can be silly and like SO cringe GHDFJSK #his stupid little flirty shit he did like #'YOUR HONOR I AM A SIMPLE MAN! A SIMPLE BROWNIE MAN'#GHDFJSKAL DUMBASS I LOVE HIM MWAH MWAH #aouh.. and hes so so... soft... and comforting... that fact makes me melt #makes my love for him even more insane and unbearable #i want to see his face go bright tomato red from flirting w him and kissing him ;w;#and im kissing ryans tears away from his insecurities and fears of being abandoned and left alone #the three of us are a unit and we'll never be apart ever again 💖💛💙

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sunsetsover · 4 months

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imagine my face last night when i (extensive history of suicidal ideation) (has chronically felt lonely and unloved for my whole life) (daughter of an alcoholic) (biggest fear for most of my life was ending up an alcoholic) (has actually witnessed someone drink themselves to death) (also actively drunk at the time) sat down to watch episode four of only friends only for the episode to open with ray trying to kill himself because he felt so unloved and lonely and was petrified of ending up like his mum, who later in the episode was revealed to have drunk herself to death. just imagine my face.

#touched a wound in me that does not often get touched. i hated it more than words can actually say. i may have cried.#how are you gonna go from boston bouncing on top's dick in the back of his car to that. like how are you actually gonna do that to me.#the bpd thing was supposed to be a JOKE but bitch we are not LAUGHING anymore #girl also fuck mew's stupid ass too i like him as a character him and sand r like the only normal ones so far #but to be the one to find him and see what a state he was in and know what he was going thru ESP knowing his mum's history?#and do NOTHING abt the current state he's in?#talking abt some 'i'm here for u <3' in the flashback when we've already seen how he treats n talks to him in the first 3 eps #like ofc he can't be responsible for him n ray definitely has Problems and isn't the greatest friend either #but calling him a drunkard n letting him drive drunk isn't exactly helpful ! nor is it being there for someone !#sands known him for five minutes and already told him multiple times he needs therapy #like joking or not he at least seems to have some kind of awareness that hm the way he's behaving is not normal maybe he needs some help #girl fuck only friends this show should be called shitty friends. they all deserve better friends. like all of them.#believe it or not im enjoying this show a lot but every time i see ray i feel like someone is taking out my heart w an ice cream scoop #hes just tragic like hes a mess but he's TRAGIC bc hes confused and lonely and a mess but you can tell he's not a bad person #like you can tell he's kind and he's TRYING to be a good friend he's TRYING not to hurt sand he just doesn't know HOW #and thats what makes it worse like he very clearly doesnt WANT to be the way he is but no one is HELPING him and i wanna KMS abt it

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oetscop · 5 months

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dusosujssb god im actually like so angry nobody said anything. i dont talk abt it much here but how are you gonna sit in vc with someone sobbing while talking about a fictional series and explaining that they did actually experience that. and like they miss ppl who dont even exist. and just think theyre quirky. something was so clearly wrong and you say nothing to them about it at all

#tongue #i hate talking abt it bc in some way i still cant believe that like #it isnt real #bc it still feels very real #even if it literally cant be #but god im so mad i didnt even know that wasnt normal and you had so many chances to talk to me about it #like not in the moment duh but i clearly was receptive to it anyway like #fuck i dont know i dont know i dont know #im sure yall can fill in the blanks i dont wanna say it specifically bc itll show up in tags or whatever

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toastsnaffler · 9 months

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been wanting to work out all day so I did when I got back even tho it was just for 20 mins bc i still have period cramps but all its done is make me jittery + on the Brink of extremely angry

#I DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO BE MAD ABOUT MY MIND KEEPS TRYING TO MAKE SHIT UP STOPPIT #i need a fucking punching bag in my room or smth im going to start biting #and ive JUST managed to boot out all the stupid insecure drivel ive been letting fill my head rent free bc im SICK of it #but now my brain desperately wants me to be insecure so i can justify getting angry at other ppl when rly theres NO EXCUSE #im going to backflip off the roof. can i just be normal for once please #bitches with emotional dysregulation issues be like:#at the very least. i genuinely seem to be managing it well enough to not affect other people so thats something #earlier my flatmate was talking abt seasonal depression and was like at least u dont rly get that right?#like hoooooly fucking shit my masking has clearly hit a new unprecendented high #i think shes a bit immune to reading me emotionally but even so #i have so little control over how i feel but at least its self contained. like as long as theres that i can deal with fucking anything #god knows i have! anyway. gotta get my shit ready for work tomorrowww its my 1 month appraisal im gonna Shit Myself #gonna read a bit and try to calm this over i wanna go to bed early but i wont be able to sleep if im still running this hot #slams my head into the doorframe. OKAY BYE #.diaries

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years

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#sometimes i feel very normal and then i interact with ppl lol #i had an in person meeting with my boss for the 1st time in ages and i usually talk to ppl while theyre driving or were walking somewhere #so i forgot how much im like obviously not making eye contact when ppl talk to me while hunched over and fidgeting lol #and when im trying to explain ideas to ppl abt like data stuff im like: i dont understand how what im saying doesnt make sense???#also with a healthy dose of wtf is this person trying to say to me? u r saying words and i dont kno what theyre directed at #we had a lab party and im like v awkward at those things. idk how to interact in groups #ppl r interacting and im watching like u r clearly getting something out of this that i am not #i did maybe secure a place as a patient for one of our undergrads who is in the dental school lol #she was like yea i need 8 patients and i was like lol u can look in my mouth and then proceeded to tell her all the weird teeth problems #ive had. maybe that was weird but she seemed interested so 🤷#i hope she follows up bc i havent been to the dentist in like 3 years #and i still habe my wisdome teeth #lol me at any party: i am waiting patiently until i can leave.#like its weird bc those r the time when ppl bond and make memories and all that but everytime someone calls back to events that ive been #there fore it baffles me bc im like. yea that was a thing that happened. i dont really have any feelings abt it so idk y u r recalling it #fondly??? plus my ears r kinda fucked so it was hard to focus on individual conversations #ay im so scatterbrained. thats what happens when u get little sleep and dont allow ur self to chill. ill just crunch myself into a lil ball #at least my boss tried to reassure me that id get accepted somewhere phd wise. but i will not relax until its official so rip #i just really want 2 specific schools to work out bc one is close to home and the other i can prob get good classes and opportunities #ugh i need to sleep. but im not tired :-P #unrelated

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fuxuannie · 3 months

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Hey girl, I LOVED YOUR HEADCANONS. Specifically abt Ken x Reader. If you can write about headcanons abt maybe when he's jealous? You covered literally almost everything in your headcanons, so I have nothing to request except this 😭

❥﹒kenji sato x gender neutral reader

✦. synopsis — part 2 of the kenji sato headcanons because i am totally normal <3

✦. love mail — i swear i promise ill post hsr guys 😞 just let me have my moment w sato i beg. i’ve decided to just do this req + add some more hehe. thank you sm requester for enabling my brain rot! (pls more ppl do so)

✦. tags — NO SPOILERS, fluff, dadgirl kenji, non-intimate/sexual kissing, kenji sato x reader, i wrote this w my brain off again ( ´͈ ᗨ `͈ ;; pls

Jealousy was not fun for the Kenji Sato. Before Emi came along and changed him, I can see him being the type to get jealous easily. Why would you need to talk to other people anyway? You had him, he was the best. He’d make it real obvious too, suddenly wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you close, or the following days he has you wear his iconic jacket while you’re out with him so everyone knows exactly who and what you two are. If it gets to the better of him, he’ll get all pouty about it. He wants all your attention, your eyes all over him and him only. Maybe even hands but that’s a different thing. But I think after Emi’s influence, it’s less possessive and he’s grown to trust you with others instead of letting his feelings get in the way. Of course he’s not immune to jealousy, but you notice it a lot less. It’s less suffocating for you and you’re grateful he’s grown. You did love the pouty face he’d make though, it was cute.

Now if you were jealous, which is really no surprise.. Kenji had thousands of admirers, he had gifts on his doorstep like every other day. He’ll do everything to prove and reassure you that you’re the only one who has his heart. He’ll post you on his social media, take you out on dates, all those things to wash your worries away. Lastly, he’ll hold you in his arms at night and whisper everything he loves about you. Everything you were silently insecure about, he loved. Every date you thought he forgot, he remembered. And to meet a guy like that? How lucky can you be? (He tells you he’s luckier of course. <3)

I think he’s a messy kisser for the most part 🧐. (Forgive me in advance for this part. I am not very good at these things.) When he can take his time, he’s slow and gentle. Genuinely just trying to show you that yeah, he loves you, so damn much. And he’s going to show that through his passion by taking things slow so you can really feel his devotion. Other times, because he’s always in a rush, he’ll do a messy but clearly desperate kiss. He doesn’t like leaving without one, and you can describe him kissing you like it’s his last, (because it’s really not a far-fetched guess considering his line of work) his hand behind your head and pressing your lips against his in an almost ravenous manner. He does give you a very quick kiss on the forehead and runs off after finishing, leaving you a little dazed.

He LOVES to take you out on night rides. If ever you get a little nervous/have a fear of motorcycles, he’ll talk you all the way through via the cardo he put into your helmet. He’ll take you to some nice cafes or restaurants around Tokyo, other time’s he’ll bring you to some favourite childhood spot of his. When you arrive, he’ll tell you about his mother and the memories he’s made in this very special spot. It warms your heart to see his expression be so fond when he talks about his childhood – he truly misses it.

Before you knew of Kenji’s identity, I think it would be funny if you hated Ultraman. You just LOATHED the guy, Kenji asked your thoughts on Ultraman on the first date and you went on a rant about how he threw your car at a Kaiju only to miss. (He felt so embarrassed). It would be funnier if afterwards, he began to actually do his job as Ultraman properly.. and avoided cars on your street and avenue. He wanted to make sure you didn’t utterly hate Ultraman before revealing that he was him.

It would be cute if you and him knew each other like, much earlier. And you called him Ken. And then he made that his alias while he was becoming an All-Star baseball player. :) He’ll brag about it all the time in interviews too, that you’re the reason he uses it. <3

He’s the typa guy to have a picture of you in his room, behind his phone case, in his wallet, in his car and literally anywhere he can get his hands on. He bought a polaroid camera just to take pictures of you, he could care less about the price of film or the camera itself.. he just wanted to have as many pictures of you as possible. He’ll brag about it to his baseball teammates too, considering he also keeps one in his pockets for good luck. :)

You're his goodluck charm. <3

#♡ — 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 #kenji sato x reader #ken sato x reader #ken sato #kenji sato #ultraman rising x reader #ultraman rising

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