#feeling older and wiser
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Y’all it’s my birthday :)
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Can’t believe I ever functioned without going to therapy every week omg. The sheer delusion of thinking I can last in this life without therapy
#Once I was 20 on here saying how I don’t see the point to going to therapy bc I’m someone who#Already hyper intellectualizes things#I rescind this view point so hard bc it hits so different when someone older and wiser than u looks u in the eye and tells u things u#Might have already thought of#Also I feel like if I went to therapy much earlier I wouldn’t be as prone to agonizing over stuff and overthinking everything#I have so much content for her this session too 😍😍 in this house we save our breakdowns for therapy days
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"A Glimpse Of What's To Come"
Lord Emmanellain and Lady Hazel de Fortemps enjoying a reprise from the former's role as Camp Dragonhead's commander. The two take an evening stroll through Ishgard while accompanied by Ser Honoroit Banlardois, a knight of the Fortemps family.
#ffxiv#ffxiv gpose#ffxiv screenshots#ffxiv oc#au ra#xaela#hazel kha#Reg!Hazel#elezen#emmanellain de fortemps#hazel x emmanellain#emmazel#honoroit banlardois#Could not get the question of “how would Hazel adapt to permanently living in Ishgard?” would not leave my head#so here we are#IN THE FAR OFF FUTURE OF [insert year here]!!!#making Emm look older without completely changing his facial structure was a challenge and a half#His babyface is too strong lmao#I'm happy with how he turned out though#He still has the feel of Emmanellain imo while still looking older and more mature#He probably didn't mature ALL that much but he'd still be older and wiser#An older Hazel was a lot easier to make a look for LMAO
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I was thinking about MXTX's works as a whole and... Maybe someone smarter than me said it better, but her main hidden theme seems to be "re-do it right, this time"?
SVSSS: the original books had a certain plot. SQQ comes and goes through the story again, changing it forever.
MDZS: Wei Wuxian comes back from Death, and Lan Wangji is not going to make him escape this time. They finally communicate and have a happy ending.
TGCF: this was less straightforward to me, but then it hit me. This time it's not about the main couple. It's about the expectations Jun Wu places on Xie Lian! Jun Wu wants Xie Lian to repeat his own life, and make the same choices (but Xie Lian doesn't).
And to be fair, I find the idea of having a second chance so heartwarming - it's possibly why these books are such a comfort read to me.
#i guess this is also why tgcf “feels” different from the other works to me#in both svsss and mdzs there is an “original” version of the characters#and a “new” version#with a sort of hard event in-between that separates them#it being of course the re-start of events in svsss#and wwx's death in mdzs#but xl and hc are always the same#getting older and wiser or more powerful#but they're much more constant somehow#not even ascension or death changed them that much#svsss#mdzs#tgcf#mdzs spoilers#tgcf spoilers#svsss meta#mdzs meta#tgcf meta#mxtx
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Duck hits different when you're no longer thirteen and in the throes of navigating friendships for the very first time and defining yourself by your social ineptitude.
#me at 13: wow duck is so awkward and weird and clumsy. just like me!!!!!#me at 23(older but only marginally wiser): duck is an incredibly emotionally intelligent and kind child-#- and its so sad that she doesn't see the beautiful impact she has on the world around her.#And not as Princess Tutu but as Duck! Literally everyone she meets enjoys her company-#- mainly because its so easy to be open and vulnerable around her!#And she doesn't even see how well liked and aporeciated she is!#(i mean that's partly dross's fault for never letting her develop her relationships with ppl who r past their usefulness to his narrative)#Anyway wow I really shot myself in the leg as a teenager by getting so caught up in my Incompetent Introvert persona.#Really didn't to right by the people around me by not bothering to put effort into my relationships with them!#Gosh it sure would be interesting if me growing up and learning and seeing things differently-#-impacted the way I view a beloved character from a media I consider a sort of a milestone that defined my tastes greatly later on in life!#Wouldn't that be just the darndest thing. Especially if it happened like 10 years later.#Which is duch a pointedly significant number itd sure feel a little on the nose haha!#Me at 50: anyone in this thread chew gum#fate.txt#duck#princess tutu
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made a silly little edit for my twt and thought id share it here VGHFJKD one year older babey!!!!!
#hush catríona#every year i grow older and wiser and it's so FUN it is so wonderful i feel more steady and accomplished each year#me and bobbo are gonna go to a DINER!!!!!! and get ICE CREAM!!!!! and my mom bought me a COOLER WOOOOOO#adulthood is getting excited abt a cooler for a bday present#genuinely over the moon rn my friends are soso sweet i feel v loved <3 <3 <3
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in general i think i prefer stories with survivors of [trauma] who are older, but with horror there's as always an exception; there's something touching and - now that i'm very much an adult - sentimental about seeing a child or teenager go through something while rationalizing it in a distinctly Young way, sometimes it shows a kind of mental fortitude (different imaginative ressources i guess, mostly it's repression) that adults maybe lack.
#that kids are more resilient is a bit of an awful myth and leftover of the belief that they in general feel and understand less and less#deeply especially what concerns them#but looking back i feel more brittle now than i did ten or fifteen years ago#hopefully this eases again when i get older and wiser or something
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you are emmanuel. (a little one-shot)
you begin as bright light spanning the length of the universe. you are the warmth of hope settling onto the world as it grows its limbs, seas and mountains, and as its eyes come unstuck and open as the many suns in the sky. you are the blue of the sky, the quiet of the windless cosmos, the unheard sounds within the earth's core as it is formed. the universe is young, and so are you, and still you see it age and you see it die, right before your gaze, over and over again. time is nothing but a corner to peak behind, and it all unfolds and unfurls and clashes into itself until you hurt, but there is no way to experience it because where ever does the sky feel pain? where does a planet? phantom pain of the tragic history that has not happened yet haunts you wherever you shift and all the louder do you feel the ever-present hum of something older, greater than yourself, coming from within you.
you are an angel, a being created of love, for love, a throwaway idea in the forming of the world. they will need someone to look after them. and that is who you are even if you yourself do not know it yet. even if you yourself are still learning the way through existence, even if you still wander and get lost in trying to grasp all that you know, all that you feel, all that you see. they begin as ants and they too become gods, one day you realise as you ponder the earth and for the first time overcome the sound of rubble of its mass, and overhear the first sound of life, and soon more follow. there is laughter, there are songs, there is work. small they are but still so mighty. they flash before your eyes and you can hardly focus before they expire and new ones take their place. your head would spin, but still you are no more than the sky, the lone ray of light, the rustling of leaves in the wind.
you are still that when you hear her crying. a creature still smaller than the ants you've known. a child alone in the woods. at first you cannot even find her, though the sound pierces all the way through to you, the trees do not come apart and make for a barrier stronger than the dreams and nightmares that haunt her at night when she stops stumbling and goes quiet. there is a man there, though he is no longer, her very mind charms up images of him that you can just about touch because they are as real, as physical as you, a ray of moonlight peeking at last through the overgrowth. the man you learn to know by heart, the curls of his hair, the lines around his eyes, the calm of his voice. for the first time you focus and you can see him, all of him, for the first time an ant is given a face.
you are a newborn creature, struggling to get up from the mud that gave you form by the riverside. your legs supported by bones made out of naked white roots the water has come to uncover, struggle to hold your weight for you were weightless, once. you are wet and scary looking, and still when you call and his voice comes out, the child looks up. eyes so wide, you can tell she knows something is not quite right, but when you reach your hand out, and she reaches out hers, you know she trusts you to mean well. you know there is a settlement beyond the woods, you have seen the lights. you walk together, at first silent, later talking, and when she gets tired at night, you carry her yourself and when you do, her hand settles on your chest. the imprint is an anchor. the body is yours.
you are a thing of light, sharp and white, clasped within a clump of cold damp earth. sometimes you can feel it burning through the strata at night, sometimes it spills from your eyes, from your fingertips, between your ribs. sometimes the light wants to return to the sky, yet you know more than anything they need you here, emmanuel. a thing of god among them, or at least his hand, his shoulder, brought to life by the lowly mud from the riverside. the universe still twists around you, and you still can feel it coming to life and dying with every step you take, and there is no cure for it but love. the overwhelming sense of it when you close your eyes, when you touch the earth, when you find that god speaks to you no longer but your mind carries the echo of all of them, everywhere. your ants, your humans.
you are their emmanuel. that is enough.
#▻ 𝐺𝐸𝑁𝐸𝑅𝐴𝐿 、stories ⁽ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘˢᵉˢ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵗᵒ ˡᶦᶠᵉ ⁾#had a want to write out something to accompany the graphic i did last night#the feeling of 'i need an older wiser being to talk to. i talk to g-d but the sky is empty.'#the fact of emmanuel being g-d's presence on earth while silmultaneously being so alone in the task#idk idk could write more abt it maybe someday i will but i wanted to explore this format of Change of Self as the core of the narrative#sorry i haven't done much writing/plotting with people. this is me trying to get my head back in the game while i still have stuff to do
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i’m outside! i got brave enough to go outside and walk around the back yard
#i’ve lost a lot of my feelings of independence since august of last year#i feel like i’ve gotten older and wiser but also regressed a lot#probably because i’m actually taking on therapy & healing for the first time in my life#anyways yeah this feels silly to post about but. going outside on my own is a big thing rn#i don’t *like* walking for health it’s boring to me but i don’t have the space or ability to do anything more exciting so#i’m gonna try to just. walk up and down the back steps a lot#see if that helps my fucking pain issues cause nothing else does#i can make a zine or something out of this experience too#pangs complains#pangs talks
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I just found out that in order to be at peace, calmer and feel better i need to have a complete and utter emotional breakdown. Is this normal?
#personal#idek how to tag this so older and wiser peoplecould see this and explain wtf is going on with me#i'm not out of the woods yet but i have this strange peaceful feeling in my chest#let's see how long it lasts
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what do you MEAN I have to face old wounds and fears in order to achieve things in life and grow as a person in those specific areas that’s where I’m sensitive!!
#I’m gonna thrup#took tomorrow off to get totally better from being sick#and my brain decided to speed run all my nebulous anxieties about certain things in the future#and how I need to be doing MORE right NOW#and how it’s all gonna be completely TERRIBLE if I don’t do everything now and perfectly and it makes me a pathetic person#and then I look under the surface and it’s like#hmm I remember this issue what are you doing here#which like#HELPS to see that that’s what it is#and as I get older and wiser I feel more capable of dealing with stuff every time#but still!!!!#I need to focus on relaxing but apparently the closest I can get to that is rotting#before it turns into full blown vague panic#ughhghhhhhhhhhh now my stomach hurts
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i love that in season 5 they completely gave up on trying to cover the dark circles around mgg's eyes
#s5 reid looks older and wiser than other seasons#part of that is probably the cane too but i feel like he looks much younger and more fragile in seasons 6-7-8#and then that season 9 look with the undercut is just Awful lmao#criminal minds#spencer reid
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why do i have the feeling this is gonna be important later..... i feel a new faction coming on... can taste it on the wind...
#for reference: this is after the phantom troupe makes contact with the small fry thugs on the fifth tier#the buor family i think#and one of the older wiser guys mentions “a young leader” which is then never followed up on#idk maybe i'm missing something but it feels to me llike the buor family is bound to come back in the future#i think togashi wants ALL the pieces to play#and it would be very togashi of him to bring back side characters that everyone forgot about and made them central to the plot#or plot twist: its gyro#hxh#hxh manga spoilers#succession war arc#buor family hxh#screeds#hxh theories
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Bouncing between watching all three versions of TTTE to unlock a secret way of understanding the characters
#ttte#thomas and friends#all engines go#I'll watch a couple AEG episodes and then watch cgi#and it feels like AEG Gordon is more of a calmed down older man who's at peace with his life and takes care of the kids most of the time#meanwhile CGI Gordon is just “I WILL RETIRE WHEN I AM DEAD AND BURIED. EXPRESS COMING THROUGH.”#AEG James doesn't have as nasally of a voice which is both pleasant and also kinda disappointing#ofc he doesn't speak much anyways#I think AEG is trying to imply that all of the adult characters are actually much older and wiser#and like. have some basic sense.#because of the main characters being kids and all that#AEG Gordon is far kinder and more responsible because AEG Thomas and his friends are like. A bunch of 10 year olds.
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live footage of me rereading "older but just never wiser" in which both callum and rayla try to spare each other from dark magic use, callum helps her work towards freeing her parents, he asserts that he only did it the first time for her and she asserts that she only left to protect him, and he decides to lie to her in order to cushion a harsher truth:
“Even if it was messed up and wrong, I—I really did mean... I just wanted to protect you.” He lets out a breath and squeezes her hands, standing closer to her than they have beneath Umber Tor by the lava, her forehead nearly brushing his. “Then let me protect you. If one of us has to take the risk, let it be me, this time.” They’ll still have to see if they need Viren’s staff, but that can be a problem for tomorrow. “It doesn’t always have to be you, Rayla, saving everyone else. And I’m—we both know that I’m already dead.”
#just fucking end me#i feel like i'm looking at a parallel universe version of 5x08 and potential S6 specifically#my fic#fic: older but just never wiser#callum and lujanne being bitter mage besties#which now i think of it i think i just find it funny for callum to be#on bad terms / annoyed with every other mage he could long term interact with#(outside of ibis rip king u will be missed)#like 'yes you like my favourite thing and uniquely get my bullshit yes i cannot stand you' is peak dynamic to me#mine#dragons rambles#tag ramble#predictions achieved#[insert 'I GUESS' meme]
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ohhhhhh sticky note.........youll never be famous and thats ok❤️
#🗞️#thinking about the universe i created at 15 when i was battling very severe gender dysphoria so i just made up a guy about it#and then it turned into a whole story and i left it in the dust when it turned out i had to write a sex scene.#but maybe ill rewrite it someday now that im older and wiser and i see myself in every single one of the characters not just the main guy..#and make it more surrealist and a story about a story cause thats what it was always supposed to be i feel#something about the characters just ceasing to exist when they stop keeping in touch with one another. everything must be riverdalian#jacob charlie veronica and maggie youll always be famous TO ME. and matt and that other bitch i dont remember the name of#you know what that means. i must make them in the sims AGAIN
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