#feeling freedom for DECADES being told you can get out and do better

[laniidae-passerine]

there is something so entirely fucked about Louis’ psyche… look at it all! the physical beatings to an obscene degree, the damaging affairs, the psychological warfare, the public humiliation, the participation in the murder of their only beloved daughter. Lestat does this all to him, or a significant amount even if memory is playing its wicked games. Lestat is a vicious horrible thing with his teeth marks on every part of Louis and yet even with decades of freedom, a new partner, the ability to recognise and condemn cruelty and abusive actions, Louis still wants him back. Knowing what he is, what he can do, Louis wants him back. It never mattered if vampires can dream, for Lestat haunts his waking days, a torturous vision of the only living one Louis really loves.

[animebw]

I've been struggling to figure out how to write this post for the past couple weeks. Part of me thinks I shouldn't bother writing it at all. Not like my words will accomplish much in the grand scheme of things. But if I don't say anything, these thoughts will just keep gnawing at my mind like caged animals. And as the chaos in Palestine shows no signs of slowing, I need to get this out before it's too late for my words to do anything but cast regretful looks back at a moment I was too cowardly to add my voice to.

So.

Most of you don't know this, but I'm Jewish. Not incredibly so; my dad's side of the family is full of active temple-goers and worshippers, but I've mostly just tagged along for holidays and bar mitzvahs. It's a part of myself I used not to think that much about, just one aspect of my life among many. But in recent years as right-wing anti-semitism has ramped up, I've begun appreciating my Jewish connections more and more. Judaism may not be a religion I follow, but it's been an integral part of my culture and community over the years. It's the connections I share with my extended family who I usually only see a couple times a year on Passover and Hannukah but nevertheless tie us together unshakably. Being Jewish is an indelible part of me, and I've always wanted to make a more active effort in connecting with and exploring that part of my heritage. There was even a time back in college where I was tentatively planning a birthright trip to Israel to connect with my ancestral roots or whatever. Classic post-graduation travel abroad stuff.

It feels really weird to think back on that now.

I've never read much of the Torah, I admit. Not like I could, since I never learned Hebrew. But everything I've picked up about Judaism over the years has overwhelmingly painted it as a call for compassion, kindness, and community. Yes, the world can be cruel, it says, which is why we must add light to the darkness wherever we can. Celebrate the freedoms we've won. Cherish the bonds we've forged. Weep even for those who've wronged us as they suffered in turn from God's judgement. Judaism, to me, has always been about how absolutely essential it is to choose love over bitterness and hatred. It is our responsibility to cultivate a kinder, better world, so those who come after us need not suffer the same ills as us. It's been a comfort in many rocky periods of my life.

And it is with that perspective that I say unequivocally: what Israel's government is doing to Palestine is indefensible. Bombing hospitals, dropping chemical weapons, denying critical aid to innocent civilians trapped in the barrage, even bombing safe routes they themselves told Palestinians to take. Displacing people from their homes, their lives, their dignity with no regard for their basic humanity. Speaking with increasingly dangerous rhetoric with a desire to wipe the entire population off the face of the map. Never mind the decades upon decades of abuse that Palestine has already suffered under Israeli occupation, second-class apartheid citizens in their own homeland. There is no excuse on the face of the planet that can justify this cruelty and carnage.

Yes, Hamas are bloodthirsty terrorists themselves, and there can be no peace until they are brought to justice. But Israel's actions in response to the October 7 attacks have long crossed the boundaries of justified retaliation. What Bibi Netanyahu and his far-right government are enacting upon Gaza is exactly the same breed of genocide that has been enacted upon Jews across the world throughout history. From our subjugation in Egypt through the Holocaust, we know all too well how it feels to face this evil, see it rip through our communities as it seeks to tear apart the fabric of our very personhood. So to see the craven extremists in Israel's government invoke those horrors in an attempt to justify subjecting another downtrodden, oppressed people to the same fate... I don't think I can properly describe how angry it makes me.

Netenyahu and his government do not speak for all Jews. Hell, according to recent polls, they don't even speak for most Israelis anymore. They do not get to claim Judaism for their own murderous purposes. They do not get to use my voice as justification for their war crimes. They betray the soul of this culture with every hospital they blow to bits and every scrap of aid they deny the suffering children next door. And I refuse to be silent in face of their propaganda. I refuse to let this culture, which has been nothing but a source of kindness and community to me, to be weaponized to excuse the same monstrosities we celebrate rising above every year. I refuse to accept their definition of Judaism as long as I have breath to speak against it.

Palestine deserves freedom. Palestine deserves self-autonomy. Palestine deserves the same kindness that Judaism preaches to all downtrodden people of the world. And Israel must stop this senseless slaughter before their history of surviving the world's horrors ends with them becoming the horror in someone else's scripture. Find and destroy Hamas without punishing the people of Gaza- over half of whom weren't even born when Hamas came to power- for their crimes. Work toward a two-state solution where Jews and Arabs, Israelis and Palestinians, can live side by side in solidarity of the trials they've both overcome. Remember compassion in a world that venerates blind hatred. Remember the kindness we claim rises above all attempts to squash it down. Remember that the heart of Judaism is supporting those who struggle through darkness, helping them find their way out into the light.

Remember who we claim to be.

And refuse to let us be defined by death.

#FreePalestine

[eloise-t-g]

spoilers for justified and justified: city primeval

finally went back and finished JCP (only watched two eps when it came out before i got bored lmao), and while it was a pretty good show, i still don't understand why it was labelled 'justified' or why raylan was there. regardless, after boyd's sequence at the very end, it's got me once again thinking about seasons 5 and 6 of justified, and in particular boyd and ava

it was clear the writers had worked out the show was ending after season 6, and where they wanted each of the main characters to be in the flash-forward to end the show. however, they couldn't have ava and boyd still love each other for that to happen, so they contrived extremely stupid ways of breaking them apart.

how much better it would have been if we, the audience, had seen boyd over and over trying to get ava out of prison, only to be genuinely out-maneuvered and out-played by raylan or other parties each time. how heartbreaking to see that contrasting with ava alone, suffering in prison, having no idea that boyd is desperately trying to help her. watching her become more and more bitter over the course of the series, both because he's seemingly abandoned her, but also the guilt that comes with believing that, with having that doubt about the love of her life.

it would have been so bittersweet to see her get herself out of prison at the end of season 5, and being torn between believing raylan (that boyd stopped trying to save her), and believing boyd (who claims raylan wants ava to doubt boyd in order to drive them apart). we would know the truth, but it would have been so interesting to see ava wrestle with the fact that she doubts boyd, especially if we see her find out about her pregnancy (rather than keep it a secret until the series finale, which was very silly). how can she raise a child with someone she ultimately doesn't trust?

this would lead into season 6, where we could have watched the desperation between them as ava wants to trust boyd, as she still loves him (rather than fall quickly and completely out of love with him, as she did), and boyd panicking as he feels her slipping away. this panic would lead him to do more and more desperate things, in particular, going after raylan with more violence. that, i think, would be the final straw for ava, solidifying the belief that she can't trust boyd with their child, that he would never truly change for them, that he's always going to be drawn back into violence and crime (the heartbreaking notion that he's known nothing else his whole life, so can she even blame him?).

idk, i just think the notion of two people still loving each other despite everything, but it's the wrong place, wrong time, would have suited the show and the journey these characters had been on, so much better than having them both act out of character for two seasons. i loved the finale, and where the three mains ended up, but the build up could have been so much better.

bonus points if raylan had lied to both of them, and also told ava that boyd was dead. this wouldn't really make sense as she could then have become complacent (and therefore put her and her son at risk), so i can understand why they didn't do that. but looking down the barrel at a potential JCP season 2 where we revisit the ava/boyd conflict, could you imagine how much juicier it would be if they had both let go of their anger and heartbreak to mourn each other, only to find out like a decade later that not only is the other still alive, but for boyd to discover their son, and ava to discover boyd still hasn't changed.

i'm torn between wanting a second season of JCP to explore these characters again, and leaving them where they are. i'm happy raylan finally retired and is spending time with his daughter. i'm happy ava and her son are safe. i'm even happy boyd escaped - he can have a little freedom as a treat lmao.

i don't even know where i was going with this, i just wanted to get my thoughts out haha. cheers to anyone who made it this far o7

[fallingdownhell]

Decisions to be made

A Kaeya Alberich (x Reader) Oneshot

Summary: When all is said and done, Kaeya still had to choose his side in the end. But what if he can’t? How could he possibly choose between the life the build for himself and the life the was supposed to lead? 

Content: gender neutral reader; can be read as both romantic or platonic relationship with reader; angsty; talk/mention of depression/self doubt; Kaeya just desperatley needs a hug; 

Word Count: 1.6k

Sooo... this is a little something that I have been working on for a very, very long time now and I finally felt good enough about it to share it with the world. 

It’s gonna be angsty again, I tried not to hold myself back this time and I’m actually pleased with the outcome. I’m normally very critical with myself and my writing, so I’m glad I liked this one. 

As always, feel free to tell me what you thought of this little piece, as well as point out any mistakes. 

Happy reading!

The stars and the moon alike shone bright in this cloudless night. Only few people ever look up at this hour to gaze upon the sky. They really could be pitied, for they will probably never realize the beauty above them on nights such as this. 

Because Kaeya, unlike most other human beings, had a very difficult future ahead of him. He knew his time was drawing closer with every passing day. The time where he had to make one final decision.

It was also on those nights, where Kaeya liked to sit on top of the highest cliff in all of Mondstadt, blankly staring at the suns replacement in the sky. It always felt like his head was empty at these times, no thoughts at all, just a breeze through his hair and the light that shone from above. And yet, at the same time, his head was filled with all sorts of doubt and surpressed insecurities. 

The choice between Mondstadt, the City of freedom, where he buildt a life for himself. And although it wasn’t always the best and by far not the most luxurious one, it was still his own. But then there was the other side, the side of his home land, Khaenri’ah. He still felt a very strong urge to stay loyal to his land, after all, for the longest time, he thought he was the sole survivor of that catastrophe. 

But then, one fateful day, a certain traveling man approached him, revealing his identy to Kaeya. To say that he had been shocked, would be the understatement of the decade. He never thought it possible for another soul to have survived the war against the Archons. Of course he was beyond disbelief when Dainsleif told him everything that has happened to him. 

Because he remembered Kaeya. Even if he was not of royal blood, he was still from the family that reigned over Khaenri’ah after none of the real royal family remained. And with Dainsleif being head of the royal guard, he still wanted to uphold his vows, even if their nation wasn’t there anymore. 

So in a sense, Kaeya also felt indebted to him, just like he felt towards the Ragnvindr family who once took him in and raised him as their own. 

But when he looked at Dainsleif, he could see the pure rage the man held towards the world of Teyvat and their Archons. The blonde was burning to get his revenge on the gods and everyone else involved in the war. And Kaeya understood that desire better than anyone else. He too wanted to make those suffer who destroyed their lifes. 

But... could he do that, if the price was everything else he had build for himself?

So deep in his thoughts, staring at the vast land in front of him, Kaeya didn’t notice the other person approaching him until they made themselves known just a few steps behind him. 

“I figured I could find you out here.”, you spoke, and your voice raised a few goosebumps on Kaeya’s skin. Somehow, you always managed to find him when he was in that state of mind. When he wanted nothing more than to be alone and drown in all of these thoughts in his head, you were always there alongside him, giving him this feeling that he isn’t alone after all. 

So, like he often did when you found him, Kaeya simply closed his eyes instead of a snarky answer, which told you what you needed to know. That he was fine with you being here with him. You didn’t comment on it, just made your way next to the man, sitting down by his side and simply observing the night sky. 

It could almost be described as peaceful. The silent night, the low breeze coming from the sea and the overall calming atmosphere. 

Well, almost... if you didn’t already know why the cavalry captain was out here again. 

“You know.. You really do have a habit of always finding such beautiful places.”, you started again after a few minutes of comfortable silence. Turning your head, you looked at Kaeya, only to find him staring up at the sky. 

So, it was that bad, huh?

“Tell me, Kaeya. What’s going on in your head again?”

“Just... the same old. You know the gist of it by now.”, the man replied, though you could tell that he wasn’t being honest with you. 

“No, that’s not it. I mean sure, it may be a part of it. But that’s not what really concerns you, right?”

At that, a small smile made it onto Kaeya’s lips, letting his head fall down a little before his gaze fell upon you. “Well, would you look at that. You really can read me like an open book, it seems.”, he said in a teasing tone.

“Learned from the best, after all.”, you replied back in the same tone. Small laughs were exchanged before silence fell once again. You waited again for a few minutes for him to start talking again, but when nothing came again, you spoke up once more. 

“Please, Kaeya. Talk to me. You know I’ve always been there for you and I won’t go away anytime soon either.”

That sentence really made him look at you properly for the first time that night, as he seemed to think about what you just said. 

“You’re right. It’s just.. recently there have been a few... changes, you could say, in my life.”, he tried to explain to you, while also trying to not give anything away to you. Though Kaeya trusted you like he trusted himself, he couldn’t bring himself to be completely honest with you either, in fear of you abandoning him after all once you found out who he truly was. Experience is the best teacher, as they always say..

“And I guess, you can’t tell me what those changes are exactly, right?”, you deduced after he fell into a silence again. 

“Yes. And I’m sorry for leaving you in the dark like that.”

“You don’t have to apologize. If it’s something that you’re not comfortable sharing with me, that’s fine. I just want to make sure that you are okay, Kaeya.”

“Well, that’s the thing, (name). I’m not okay! I know that I have to face a decision soon and I can’t seem to make up my mind on it. But I also know that choosing neither side isn’t an option for me at this point and I don’t know what I should do or what I’m supposed to do!”

It was only after Kaeya was finished did he realise that he started screaming somewhere in the middle of this sudden outburst. He kept still for a second, before he looked at you, fearing that you would turn your back on him now after this. But to his surprise, you only looked at him in understanding and, as much as he hated that look normally, pity. But for some reason, seeing it now only made him more aware of the hopeless situation he was in. 

No matter what he was going to choose, he would loose some aspects of his life... of himself. 

“Do you feel better now?”, was the first thing you said, surprising the cavalry captain a bit. But, he had to admit, he did feel a little bit better. It seems that shouting his problems out actually did help him. Who would have guessed..

“I do, surprisingly. Thank you.”

At that, a smile began to make its way on your lips again, and Kaeya just couldn’t help himself. Your smile had always been contagious to him, it felt unnatural not to smile as well when you were doing it at him. 

“But,”, he spoke again, soon returning to his defeated behaviour from before. “that doesn’t do anything to help me. I appreciate it, (name). I really do. But the question of what I’m supposed to do, still stands.”

“Hmm..”, you pondered on that question for a while as well, turning your gaze upon the stars as he did at the beginning of the night. Like the answer to his question could somehow be found up there. 

“Have you thought about, what YOU want?”

Your question left him speachless for a second, not quite understanding what you could mean by it. Surely he couldn’t let his personal feelings get involved in a matter like this.. right?

“Think about it like that. Forget about what you should do or what people may expect of you. Think about what you truly want. I know you don’t like cliché stuff like that, but try listening to what your heart is telling you.”

And he did try. For what felt like an eternity, Kaeya sat there, just figuring out what he was feeling and what his “heart” told him would be right for him. 

And in the end, he finally understood it a bit better. In the end, it all came down to one simple decision. One he had made a lot in his lifetime, that he sometimes regretted and other times, not. 

The decision, if he could burry his own feelings, drown them out and not listen to them. Or if he would listen to it, and let himself be vulnerable once again. 

The last time he decided to listen to his heart and come clean, was the night he almost night and gained his vision. 

Kaeya swore to himself the next morning that he would never do anything like that again. He would never show anyone his true feelings and intentions ever again.. 

But now..? 

Maybe.. just maybe.. 

And it was in that moment, that Kaeya could finally make his decision.

“Thank you, (name). I know what I have to do now...”

Part 2 coming out soon...

[meditating-dog-lover]

Awkward girl with strict parents and constant rejection

Growing up I was an "awkward girl" with a strict dad. This led me to experience bullying in school and even at home. And it wasn't fun. I also wasn't allowed to date nor really socialize much (I was but I wasn't allowed to really go anywhere). I was also heavily socially and romantically excluded by peers. People would not include me in social circles and guys would laugh at me whenever I expressed any interest in them. This happened over a decade ago, but the rejection still stings.

Despite my tough upbringing and "awkward" personality, I absolutely did not deserve that treatment and I will always maintain that belief. I also did not deserve to have a strict dad who deprived me from a lot of fun experiences growing up. I eventually graduated from high school (12 years ago) and worked on establishing myself so I can have some freedom and independence away from my dad (from an academic, career-wise, and financial point because those 3 things guarantee autonomy).

I also worked on my health and my personal style, which made me "better looking", even on my social skills to a degree. I've received compliments on my appearance, from both girls and even guys. Despite this, I still feel awkward and insecure, like this wasn't something I was used to growing up. Despite how I appear externally, I still feel confused and insecure internally. Like those feelings from school never really went away.

A confident woman would accept those compliments, but to me it feels a bit odd. But because I've been so deprived of compliments and connections growing up, I really do appreciate them and positively take them to heart. When a seemingly attractive guy says I'm very pretty, of course I'm going to think about that for weeks, even months. I do want to be confident of course, but that's something I'm still working on (I'm doing a great job on improving).

As I said, since I have experienced rejection and humiliation from guys growing up, I find it surprising when a seemingly attractive guy compliments me. And it has happened recently too. I'm not someone who develops feelings very easily out of fear of getting hurt. I've never been in love, but I've definitely had feelings of infatuation before. Frequently as a child/teen, rarely as an adult. I consider myself to be an intelligent person, but whenever this happens, my brain melts as if I drop 50 IQ points. Like I turn into a young schoolgirl. So when the feelings are "reciprocated", I do feel that plus I feel insecure and awkward. I've been deprived of this when I was younger and I didn't deserve that (both due to social rejection and isolation and because I had a strict dad who didn't let me date). So I don't know how to "manage" these emotions. I also appreciate when it happens because it serves as a "fuck you" against those who rejected me, where I feel like their rejection and isolation failed and I can finally be appreciated, included and loved. Also I've always felt shameful due to how my parents raised me. So while I love the reciprocation and attention, I also feel like "why do you feel this way about me? I'm awkward and shameful and not that attractive". Being told I'm very pretty, gorgeous, and even sexy (yes I've been called that before) feels so unusual.

It does involved working on my confidence, I will find love, reciprocation, and validation in life. I just want it to be in a healthy manner where it doesn't make me drop 50 IQ points and act juvenile and goofy (which is so weird coming from me given how I generally present myself in person and on here). I won't let my dad and bullies take this confidence journey away from me. It's a work in progress, but I need to let myself know I'm beautiful and deserve love and validation and autonomy and success. And all the compliments I receive despite them feeling awkward. I do want a deep loving relationship in the future, but if I'm getting compliments from guys at the moment, then I'll happily accept them, even from girls.

[princeescaluswords]

At this point, you should just compile everything you know about Teen Wolf (especially if my bby boy Scott is in the spotlight) into one BIG FILE OF GOOGLE DRIVE FOLDER and give them a link since they keep repeating the same thing over and over and over again.

And hey, I don't mind helping you compiling the stuff like same repeating/similar sounding asks, your old responses, transcripts and screenshot of proofs if you eventually do it. I feel bad for you and other Scott Defenders since I've followed you for a loooooong time and facepalming at the TW asks every now and then

Thank you for your compliments and your very kind offer, but I have actually been playing around with putting all the writing about Teen Wolf to a different use. I am in the "can I do this? should I do this?" phase, but I'm thinking of writing something off Tumblr for publication, using the work I've done here as a basis.

The book -- if it is a book and not an article or some other format and if it ever gets written -- will have three premises, which may or may not be sustained by the evidence I can gather.

Teen Wolf, its reception, and its fandom is an artifact of modern white culture (and not in a positive way). Foucauldian power dynamics and United-States-inspired consumerism have combined to empower and provide cover for a racist audience response that was hostile to a narrative focusing on a character of color over the course of the series and the movie.

The show's treatment is an example of how fandom culture has been enabled by Internet sites such as Tumblr, Twitter, AO3, and YouTube to somehow disguise their aggressive pursuit of decadent bourgeois values as revolutionary freedom from those same exact values. "Transformational fandom" has become all about making things palatable for a mainstream white culture that likes to flirt with the forbidden.

For the production, the fandom's hostility and its aggressive behavior turned out not to be a bug, but a feature. In other words, certain choices in casting and plot may have been not just simple fan service, but fan service designed to provoke fandom racism in a way that would maintain interest in the production. After all, any sort of attention is better than none.

Of course, this whole idea of mine is in its earliest stages of writing. The thing about non-fiction writing is sometimes a great hypothesis turns out to be wrong. It will require research and a publisher. But that's where I'm at right now.

As an aside, it was inspired by three things. First, was the incredible hostility to the movie by the fandom before the movie even premiered. The intensity of that hatred for a follow-up movie for a television show which hadn't been on for five years is unique and worth exploring. Second, there was a quote from Tyler Posey about how, when they first started filming Teen Wolf, Jeff Davis told him how his ethnicity would help the production. The quote didn't contain any further elaboration, but, obviously, from the result, Davis wasn't counting on what rightists would call "woke points." Finally, there was a direct quote from Jeff Davis about how the writer's room had determined Mason Hewitt was "too good" to suffer consequences of being host for the Beast. I've always hated that statement for its obvious intersection with racism and ableism.

It does occur to me that perhaps this wasn't just a confluence of random events that created this specific fandom phenomenon. Perhaps Jeff Davis and the production staff noted this aspect of fandom culture and had a strategy for integrating it into the show. I would never say that they meant for the hostile interpretation of characters of color to be taken as true -- it's obviously not -- but I might want to explore if they didn't promote the hostility in a way designed to enhanced the show's reception.

Again, I'm at the very beginning of the process. Your question pushed me farther down the road.

[monochromeheartbeat]

what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana. 

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation. 

[kalamity-jayne]

If I may ask, how do I come out to my homophobic family in the future? I have told no one in person that I'm a GNC lesbian, except for my therapist and a handful of friends at school. It's a scary thought and as dumb as this request seems, I just need some reassurance and advice. Thanks, Miss Jayne 💛

Hello dear! Apologies for my extremely slow response! I hope I’m not too late with this advice!

First off, your request is absolutely not dumb! So, my first piece of advice: Be kinder to yourself. We all deserve to be supported in times of need and there should be no shame in seeking it from your community. What you’re about to do is no small thing, even for those with supportive families!

Now, as always, I have to give give the caveat that I don’t have the full context of your situation so there may be flaws in the advice I give but you are of course welcome to follow up with me in the notes and we can have more of a back and forth.

Without further ado, lets get into it.

I am so sorry that your family is homophobic, whether their bigotry is quietly casual or openly hostile, they are hurting you.

You deserve better!

Now, before we can address the question of how to come out to your family it's important to ask yourself whether you should come out to them at all. According to your blog header you're a minor and that unfortunately means your parents or legal guardians (for the time being lets table the issue of siblings) have a good deal over power over you. DO NOT COME OUT TO YOUR FAMILY OR ANYONE ELSE IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMPLETELY SAFE WITH THEM! If you were an adult I'd maybe say proceed with coming out but because you're a minor you shouldn't out yourself unless you are reasonably sure it wouldn't result in violence, getting kicked out of your house, having money for college withheld, or unfair restrictions on your freedom (such as who you're allowed to be friends with), etc etc.

You need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Take your time to consider all of the angles and determine when you'll achieve full independence from your parents. Is it simply a matter of turning 18? When will you be able to move out and live on your own terms? Do you need them to pay for college? At what point will you no longer need them for anything? Independence here is when your parents can no longer materially affect the arc of your life. Once you've figured out where that threshold is, break down the steps and milestones you need to get there. Then you just have to keep your head down, stay out of trouble, focus on school and get good grades, save as much money as you can, and take every step you can to ensure you can to be free of them as soon as possible and never ever take your eyes off that prize.

Try to remember that the time between your current age and when you reach legal adulthood is going to go by fast. It may be hard to believe that now because you're young and very much in it but one day you will wake up with another decade or two under your belt and these teenage years will feel like a short but formative blip. Having said that, how do you maintain your sanity in the meantime? Find the people and places where you can safely be yourself! Got a friend who's gay or an ally and their whole family are proud diehard LGBTQ allies? Think of them as your surrogate family and spend as much time there as you can. Is there a queer safe space the kids at your school like to hang out? Go frequently! Do whatever you have to do to survive so long as it doesn't come at the cost of your own well being long term.

Now, let's say a few years have passed and you are officially free and independent. How to come out.

Coming out to unsupportive family is a minefield. However, especially once you've become an adult, you have a very good sense of where those landmines are which means you can probably predict and anticipate how they'll react which again will mitigate any potential harm to you because you saw the hit coming and were ready for it.

The most important thing is figuring out the shape of your boundaries and asserting them without flinching. Know your triggers and who's really good at getting under your skin, and plan out what you're going to say to assert your boundary ahead of time. For example: Whenever I talk to my parents they inevitably want to discuss the trans news of the day and let's be real, that news is usually very unpleasant and as soon as I'm done talking to them I tend to spin out in emotional distress because their attempts at virtue signaling are a reminder of how they rejected me as a nascently trans teenager. So now whenever my parents try to discuss trans issues I shut them down by saying, "I don't want to talk about that stuff with you cause I see it and live it everyday."

That brings me to the next aspect of being prepared. Set your self up for success. Don't attempt these conversations when you're not in the right headspace for them. Don't have the conversation at a time/place when/where you'll be distracted and remove any distractions that maybe present or come up. Make sure you're comfortable and do whatever you have to do to reduce the pressure of the situation, such as writing out what it is you want to say ahead of time, maybe even practice with friend.

Because your family is homophobic, I strongly recommend coming out to them over the phone (again, only works when you're fully independent). This way you will be safer and more secure in yourself and you can have an ally there with you, which I also strongly recommend doing. Whoever is in your corner, bring them in because their presence will give you confidence, and if you get hurt by your family they are there to hold you immediately and help you process the conversation when it's over. Do not hesitate to reach out to your people out of some misplaced concern that you'd be bothering them True friends will never be bothered or put out by a call for support. Real friends will be happy that you reached out to them for help.

Now comes the bitter pill I'm afraid. Because your family is homophobic and likely to react like a bunch of shit-asses, you have to be prepared to cut some or all of them out of your life completely. If they are unwilling to change and accept you for who you are, then you need to protect yourself from their toxicity. People are fond of saying, "you can't pick your family" and "family is everything," but I call that load of bs. Is your family's love really love if it's conditional on you living a lie? Don't fall for the hallmark channel nonsense about families and parents that our culture is constantly forcing down our throats because love is a two way street and you are under no obligation to maintain relationships with people who reject you and treat you like garbage. This is yet another reason why I would wait until you're an independent adult. Cutting out your family of origin isn't so bad when you've built a chosen family around yourself first.

I hope this advice was helpful and please feel free to follow up in the notes. Also, know that I'm rooting for you. Everyone reading this is rooting for you. Just hang in there a little longer cause freedom is just around the corner.

Sincerely,

❤️Mother Calamity❤️

[magnoliamyrrh]

i think theres something interesting to be said abt humans, like the vast majority of mammals, being inherently, unavoidably hierarchical creatures, and of the almost bound-to-fail nature of any system which seeks to fully deny or dismantle this and which does not provide adequate ways to manage this. and sure, theres definitely plenty to be said in thinking of how to build a better society abt hierarchies being inherently prone to exploitation - bc thats what happens when humans have power over others - and how it may be better to try to build societies with as little hierarchy as possible in order to avoid this as much as possible. and yet we cannot elimiate them entirely, and making it taboo to acknowledge they exist does not help

and this isnt because of class, but rather the nature of parent-child relationships and, after that, young-old relationships. and theres something to b said abt female-male relations too but i dont feel like writing a whole thing abt that now. and this isnt even getting to the relationship between humans and the natural world and divinity

the very first relationship that every human experiences, the child-parent, or child-family/adult community/tribe etc relationship, is inherently unequal and power imbalanced due to the nature of biological reality. all infants, toddlers, and young children are inherently vulnerable, weaker physically and psychologically, unknowing, innocent, less wise. all infants etc are entirely dependent on adult/reproductive age females for feeding, care, affection, and the teaching of the first skills with which our brains, cognitive abilities, and bodies cannot properly develop. and while males do often play a role in this, before the domestication of lactating animals and the creation of modern medicine, infants were indeed entirely dependent first and formost on lactating females for survival... a child is inherently different and "unequal" (not meaning less valuable etc) than an adult; theres no way around this. and for the sake of survival, yes, a child must be taught a level of obedience, respect, and following what is being told to them to do, or else they risk hurting themselves or even getting themselves killed - and they must be taught this before they can reason why they are being told to do things. "dont go to the river you will get eaten" "dont leave the tribe in the middle of the night you will die" "dont eat hot coals and poisonous berries you will die" "be quiet when i tell you to be bc if not the predator will know where we are." the lives of children arent ruled by concepts of "freedom" and "liberty," but rather by a hierarchy which they must, for survivals sake, be taught to respect. and yes. this hierarchy, like all of them, is prone to abuse - and it is infact the most out of any human one, as it is often said, children are the most vulnerable group, always, and the group with the least rights. and yes, this power imbalance is often horribly abused bc children are easy to isolate, control, exploit, subjugate, etc etc etc. however, there is literally no way whatsoever to eliminate it, and thus we must grapple with how this hierarchy ought to be one based on decency, respect, mutual responsability, love, etc, and how to create systems which will prevent abuse, help in cases of it, etc

and, even after this, there is a hierarchy between those who are younger, and those who are older. many animals have this - if we look at matriarchal orcas and elephants for example, the family group is lead by and dependent on the elder female matriarch who, with the knowledge and wisdom of routes to travel, dangers, food, etc etc etc that she had aquired throughout the decades guides the group and teaches the younger ones what she knows. similarly, i have never seen a case of any sort of human community ever who does not have a young-old hierarchy, and a hierarchy of leadership. even in commuties, peoples, tribes which i would consider lived and live better than the predominant modern system nowadays, they all have a hierarchy and leader, weather somewhat chosen by the people or elders or not - and often, though not alwsys, when we look at tribal peoples and communal peoples, this is an elder. this is also why basically every single culture on the planet has concepts or had concepts of respecting elders, learning from elders, etc - because for much of human history, we have indeed been dependent on their acquired knowled and wisdom. does this mean all elders are to be listened to no matter what and theyre always right tho - definetely not.

but there is definitely something to be said in all this abt humans being inherently bound to hierarchy through the very nature of our biology and the process of birth, childhood, agening, and death. it is simply unavoidable, it just is

and trying to take things to the exteme of saying all hierarchy and all power imbalanced are inherently bad and must be abolished, then, is an unachievable and extremist, detached, far fetched goal. i also dont think it leads to anything good. slightly similarly to how "communism" in the soviet world didnt actually abolish class conflict - it just created new classes, those with the party and those not, but made it Taboo to acknowledge the existence of these classes despite their incredibly obvious presence,,, a society so obsessed as many are nowadays with everyone being perfectly equal all the time and the same and all power imbalanced inherently being evil is just. bound to fail. because no matter what, we cannot avoid power imbalances. and thus must have a morality and system which understand how to deal with them - as many traditional systems around the world have. how to, when "freedom" and "equality" in the modern western sense arent achievable or desired, wr can equalize these imbalances in a different way - through respect, mutual responsability, mutual dependence, care, compassion, exhange, etc

[biwritesfics]

Dead Girls Don’t Die

Part 1: We’ve got a live one

Characters: MCU Tony Stark and Matt Murdock with female witch OC

Warnings: General mentions of death and violence, Abuse against minor by parent. Allusion to NonCon, mention of suicide, just a lot of trauma in general. Read at your own risk ⚠️

AN: I posted this on A03 so I thought I should post here too. Heads up the idea is that the main girl can see ghosts and she has a crap ton of trauma.

Word count 2.3k (sorry if it’s too long)

——————————————

The cold was delicious; it draped over me like a blanket, the edges kissing my skin and caressing my soul. It slowly slipped away leaving me shaking, not from chill, but from power. The witches had been coming for days offering their knowledge. Women from so many different eras with rich and diverse skills.

The dark witches always seemed to stick, all but the chaos they said they belonged to another. They bid me goodbye, placing kisses on my cheek and whispering blessings in my ears. I had always loved the spirits. Most are satisfied with one meeting or they choose to come and go, but a few stayed. Mostly the women, it was a sisterhood connection of sorts. Alice Brody, a 23 year old 1950s housewife, killed her husband for cheating on her after learning of her infertility.

Alice occupied her time in “The Grey” as the spirits called it by taking on a maternal role with me. She gave great housekeeping and sewing advice I was capable of multiple elaborate 50s style hairdos and whenever someone hurt me she comforted me by explaining exactly how she would murder them. Most female killers preferred poison. Alice was not like most.

Joan the depression era pickpocket eternally age 14. She could get into just about anywhere while human so she enjoyed the freedom of her specter- like form. She was stabbed to death over a five dollar debt. She still insists it was better than starving. Dorothy Montie rising star of the cotton club. Her voice was haunting, do deep and sad it could swallow you up. I don't know how she died, all I know is that it was bad and white men with Harlem accents send her running.

Wyatt, one of the few male ghosts, was a cowboy in New Mexico. He talked about his friend and fellow Cowboy Manuel like he was much more than that to him. He wouldn't let me summon him though and despite my hints at modern terms he refused to admit his feelings out loud.

Martin was the other man who stuck around. He was huge and his body was riddled with scars but he called me Miss Sylvia in the softest voice. I had told him that he didn't have to call me Miss but he had scolded me “Ms.Sylvia it ain't nothing like that, you've been good to me and good women are deserving of respect.” He had another name in life but in his words “Since I'm a free man now I oughta have a free name.”

With the aid of my reading skills and multiple history books from the institute's library, he had settled on Martin. No one could be perfect when it came to the topic of race, but despite the fact it wasn't his job Martin sure did help keep all of us in check. He taught himself how to read, and we had a system that whenever he tapped my hand I turned the page for him. Now with concentration he could do it on his own. He was honestly more educated on the current political climate than I was. In my defense he didn't need to sleep.

Being the most modern I had the fewest problems ( note fewest not nonexistent) but the others needed some work. Even though Dorothy had lived in a time with more rights she struggled with believing she was worth it. I wish I could help her but giving my opinion on her no matter how kind wouldn't help. It would only cement the idea that other people’s opinions controlled her. Martin coaxed her out of her shell. They made me believe in true love. How morbid that the best example of a healthy relationship had was two dead people from times nearly seven decades apart.

There was a nun Sister Anne who popped in from time to time. Child ghosts could scare the crap out of you especially if they weren't verbal but I had only ever encountered one who was dangerous. They mostly just wanted to play or be held and talked too. Alice adored them and I had to admit I did too.

“You doing alright Darling, I saw you had another visitor,” she smooths my hair with her cool fingers. Ghosts could be anywhere from seemingly the same temperature as my skin, to cold enough to leave red marks on my body. Alice just felt like someone with poor circulation. “I'm alright, it gets easier every time,” I reassure her.” “It must be such a queer feeling, absorbing another person.” “It's really not they just leave their knowledge, I know how to read ancient languages and cast spells like I know 1+1=2.”

“Cole you have visitors, time for cuffs,” one of the male orderlies shouts unceremoniously. I look up annoyed. “ I oughta teach these brutes a lesson in manners,” Alice huffs, her gray-white tones flashing into color. Her eyes are this striking blue and her blonde hair is in the softest curls. The only harsh things are her blood red lips and nails, and of course the malice in her eyes.

“You can try later Alice. We need to know who the visitors are” I whisper. I stand in position as the guard places the cuffs. They had medicated me to near death and no change in my “Severe Schizophrenia”. So they kept me on low dose antipsychotics and cuffed me in the presence of other patients.

Doug the orderly was superstitious, he recited the exorcism from the exorcist every time he had to check on me. God himself couldn't stop me from killing him if I wanted to so it was pretty useless. Lucky enough for Doug I didn't want to kill him. We had a ghostly entourage as he led me out to the visiting area. The news of living visitors brought everyone out from the grey.

Two men were waiting. One was definitely blind and most definitely a lawyer. The second was wearing an overpriced suit and a little too much confidence for his own good. As we neared I realized the latter was Tony Stark. It was impossible to escape tabloid magazines even living under the rock that was Michael Bronlittle’s hospital for the criminally insane.

“You can take the shackles off of Miss cole” the lawyer speaks. He had the seal of approval from Sister Anne “a good Catholic boy” Alice was raving about how handsome he was and Martin had heard of his humanitarian work in NewYork. He was good in my book. “Are you sure sir, she's killed two men?” Doug sounds shocked that he even considered it.

“Doug look me in the eyes” I say exasperated. I turn around and he looks at me like I might bite him. “Doug if I had any desire to harm you I would have done it by now, I have been here seven years and the only trouble I have ever caused was Jackson three years ago.”

“We both know for a fact he wasn't checking on me just like he wasn't checking on Marcie before she got pregnant and just like he wasn't checking on April before she killed herself.” I can see in his eyes he knows, everyone knew. I was going to end on that note but then I remembered I had a promise to fulfill.

“Also before you go your Aunt Perla says you need to man up and propose to Rebecca already and the secret ingredient in her pound cake is just sour cream not anything fancy.” Perla was a dear, but she was ready to go upstairs and didn't have the energy to deliver the message herself. He goes silent then he sputters and stutters. “We’ll take our chances with Curly Sue Lady of Darkness” Stark Quips. Doug uncuffs me and leaves locking the door behind him. He’d be okay. Eventually.

“Have a seat Ms.Cole?” says the Lawyer “Matthew, Matt Murdock” Martin informs me. “You can call me Sylvia Mr. Murdock, as can you Mr.Stark, it's best to be on a first-name basis with a girl before she performs a seance or discusses her motive for murder.” I state simply sitting down across from them.

“Manners Darling, small talk, polite language.” Alice reminds me looking disdainfully at the shocked faces in front of me. “Oh I'm terribly sorry I'm quite rusty when it comes to conversation. I don't get visitors so I assumed those would be the only reasons someone would bother to come here. I apologize.”

“That's alright I like to cut to the chase, small talk is overrated,” says Stark taking off his shades.” We need to know about your Father he invented a certain device of sorts that we need to know about. It's for the sake of humanity.” My body stiffens and I feel Alice's embrace Wyatt steps forward placing a hand on my shoulder

“Alan has never been my father and he never will be, the last time I saw him was when I killed him and I would do it again. Anything he ever touched turned twisted and broken. Anything he created wouldn't be for the better of anything.” I can feel my nails digging into the skin of my palms and the phantom pains on the parts of my body I can't technically feel anymore.

“Anything at all would be incredibly helpful to our case.” Mr. Murdock urges gently. I feel the floodgates in my mind break open. “What I remember Mr.Murdock doesn't matter in any court of law. I'm just the psycho little girl, the murderous schizophrenic, Humanities little freak show to ogle from time to time,” I snap.

“Everyone says it's such a tragedy, what happened to my poor poor Father. What kind of little girl comes up with such horrible things!? What kind of monster murders her own father and blames it on ghosts!?” I mock the comments I've heard over the years, as hot tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

“According to society and a multitude of mental health professionals, I'm a violent schizophrenic with extreme and vivid delusions,” I repeat the diagnosis that’s been told to me time and time again. “They say that the only thing in my life that gives it any meaning or inkling of joy is made up in my head,”

I pause for a ragged breath but they still don’t dare to interrupt me Some days I don't know if what my father did to me caused it or if he didn't even do anything at all.” The words are strained. “Even I know I am not sane Mr. Murdock, and I have more faith in myself than anyone else” I finish looking up at them with contempt in my eyes. “Memories, anything at all?,” Stark questions me.

He crossed an invisible line in my head. “What I remember was a man Who was a Sadistic Narcissistic Sociopath, a pedophile and a necrophile.” the list nearly makes me vomit. “A man who got off on my pain and my fear. A man who I know within my heart of hearts killed girls before I killed him.” I look in their eyes silently begging them to believe me.

“The man I know invented and built all manner of things to hurt a person no, a child and not leave a mark.” I’m seething at this point. “A monster so good at manipulating that he did it from his grave.” No one believed me not over him. “Mr.Murdock, Mr.Stark I remember a man that exists to no one except for me and the ghosts of little dead girls.”They're watching pale faces as one does when someone breaks down in front of you. Somehow I just know what I need to do.

“Tony, your mother loves you more than anything and she says that you shouldn't worry about living up to your father because you're ten times the man he ever was and a thousand times better Father. “Mattie I hope you really have the devil in you because God has no domain over where I'm sending you.”

I grab a file and a pen sitting on the table and I begin to write out the address. “Matthew, your father wanted me to remind you that you don't have to win every fight you just gotta survive 'em,” I say, trying not to imitate the man’s accent. “The well at the front of the estate is real but the one in the garden is a tunnel.” I turn to Stark. “I wouldn't recommend visiting all you'll see is your little girl or if I'm as insane as they say you'll find nothing.”

They both start to ask questions but I silence them. “I know what I know. I've already talked more today than I have my entire life,” Maybe it's a deathbed confession of sorts I think to myself. “I truly wish the best for both of you” . I pause cringing at the intense feelings in my body. “I'm sorry for not being able to help you more and for the fuss I'm about to cause.” I'm partially aware of the fall from my chair as I lose control of my body to a Grand mal seizure. I swear I can hear death and the devil laughing at the irony. How funny, a dead girl that's afraid of dying.

[seewetter]

But it's hard to convey this message if the reason given for representation in art is how the audience "sees themselves in the characters".

If we say "I watch media because I'm starved to see people like myself and that's why stereotypes and bad representation are wrong" then we have to be prepared for people who say "I watch media that way too and when you objectify the character, you take away from me the deep connection I developed with these characters I connect to my experience and connect with".

The solution is easy: we want better representation not so that no fan will ever be hurt again while consuming art -- art is meant to challenge and even hurt -- we want better representation because it reflects the diverse perspectives of people who do art for a living. Where are our indigenous, our queer, our disabled or female or non-white or proletarian voices and how much attention and money are they given for their hard work?

But without that shift in perspective, people end up glorifying the consumer. When you glorify the consumer, the black guy dying first in the horror movie is not upsetting because that means the black guy actor got a tiny paycheck compared to all who survived him -- no, the black guy dying first is upsetting due to how the vigilant audience looking for affirmation of being progressive don't get the art to play out exactly as they imagine. Rather than an issue about how the industry maintains racism as part of the general aim of not paying its workers fairly, it becomes an issue about how the consumers love the industry and won't criticize it's practices as long as the stories are all stereotype-free and "affirming".

That's what a generation of people taught themselves to think on this very website. When Junot Díaz compared the experience of being deprived of representation to being a vampire, he may have been speaking to a real response to racial trauma (?) but I don't think, overall, that we can understand the current puritanism, the current moral crusading against impurity, without being a bit critical of the attitude: Like a vampire? Like a mythic being without a reflection in the mirror? Perhaps I'm odd for thinking this, but it seems exaggerated.

People talk about moral purity because they were told that the moral cause was when the "vampires" get beautiful reflections again. They talk in terms of moral purity because they feel like vampires in a world of bestselling "problematic" fiction -- that's why the moral purity we see on tumblr feels a bit odd. It's moral purity coming from people who want to see kink in fiction, for example. I mean to say: these people are champions of some kinds of "problematic" fiction and become proverbial vampire-hunters towards "the wrong kind of problematic" stuff.

I'm aware there's lots of reasons for these vanquishers of immorality. They're not a monolith and some of them are just sheltered and easily offended or have bad intentions.

But the response from nope-the-weeb was telling: "I can tell this has good intentions". If I assume in good faith that nope-the-weeb is being sincere, then clearly there is some interesting common ground with our friend named...uh...nope, since nope acknowledges the value of defending artistic freedom. That might be an example of how our own communities, our own emancipatory discourse is producing these contradictory attitudes: no to censorship but yes to possessiveness ("connection") towards characters.

We say "you do not need to be careful" (quote by OP) how characters are treated after years of telling everyone to be very careful with how they handle these topics.

I agree there's no need for care. Fiction doesn't become real. The few instances of fiction "inspiring" violence (My Way murders, Jaws and its effects on shark killings) are not sufficient to prove fiction has any effect (all examples are shortlived and geographically specific even though the works of art spread far and wide and have endured decades). Fiction also doesn't speak to the author's character. You sometimes, knowing an author's politics, understand their impact on the author's fiction (you know, Ayn Rand's Fountainhead) and sometimes a work of fiction is a clear product of a certain outlook (Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman star in 2011's Season of the Witch which I think is a film devoid of any awareness of racist biases). But you can't look at a work of fiction and more-than-guess the author's politics just from the fiction. It will always be a guess. Let alone guessing a person's morality, unless we are talking Turner Diaries-style incitement to violence.

But artistic freedom used to be seen (by me & most of my tumblr dashboard circa 2011-2014) as a misguided form of centrist fence-sitting. As a way to both-sides oppression. As a way of regimenting marginalized voices struggling to assert their perspectives (by censoring art) by equating them to Nazi book burners and the like.

To talk to people like nope-the-weeb who end up trying to put a moral blemish on "problematic content" means to first understand where they're coming from. And they're not always coming from a place of trying to create moral conformity and "inoffensive art", even if that is often what they end up doing by accident.

I really think everyone needs to truly internalize this:

Fictional characters are objects.

They are not people. You cannot "objectify" them, because they have no personhood to be deprived of. They have no humanity to be erased. You cannot "disrespect" them, because they are not real.

[purrality]

I feel so bitter about being alive lately. like. resentful. towards everyone. I'm not alive for me. I don't really have any reasons to be outside of others. I have moments of joy and pleasure on my own but the opposite outweigh those heavily and have for a very long time now. I don't make enough anymore to do much. living alone costs too much in money and energy and time. I can't clean up after myself. I can't cook, I'm lucky to have nonfrozen food a few times a month. I'm lucky to be touched past a greeting even less frequently. suicidal thoughts have occurred to me at least on a weekly basis, even in the best of periods of my life, for over a decade now. I'm having withdrawal symptoms that make everything feel even worse. I have never in my life, not at any point, felt like I could consistently even tell anyone how much it all hurts as it does. nobody wants to hear how bad it is all the time. nobody could tolerate it. it's too much to know. I've been told I'm not too much over and over by loved ones, and I believe that they believe it, but I'm always punished with pulling away or abandonment if I try to be all of me for them. even just taking the lid off of the jar in front of people seems to be unbearable. what am I supposed to do? and how am I not supposed to be bitter when these are the people I'm enduring so much for?

I don't really want to die. I know that. I'm not stupid and I've fought with these kinds of thoughts more than long enough to understand why they're happening. I just genuinely don't see a way for things to improve for me. I won't find a better job. I won't find people who could do anything else for me. I won't have the means to chase passions(ones that I'm too depressed to gain any pleasure from anyways) that I can't already do now. this is it. it got better and I have everything I wanted the first time I wanted to die so bad. I feel hopeless and angry and exasperated and tired and I don't want to do it anymore.

I keep asking myself, how badly do I have to suffer for the people who love me to see my death as humane? how long do I have to keep doing this to justify it? at what point does the relief of giving up outweigh the hurt I'd leave behind?

I don't feel like I can tell anyone I know any of this. therapists or suicide hotline folks would get me caged and I'd come out worse than I went in. my mom's fuss would be unbearable. my closest friend has explicitly told me not to talk to them when suicidal. and honestly them or anyone else I'd just feel manipulative anyways.

I've gotten through this enough times before, right? I'll never actually do it, I'll chicken out every time, right? I'll make it out of the 27th year, right? even though I told myself this was when I could finally die if I still wanted to? what a fucked up baton to pass to my future self. but that's the nature of keeping on living. I'm passing on the baton. you, ahead of me, you get to decide if you keep passing it forward. you get to decide. you get to deal with my inaction. enjoy the apartment. enjoy the freedom. don't you want to live yet?

[kidmachinate]

The Slow Path to Back On Top

Is it possible to be both depressed and excited? When people cite the Dark Souls games or Bloodborne you have many that will tell you that **insert game here*" of the series saved them. The drive to try and achieve the unachievable while taking in the lore and getting sucked into the medieval or gothic worlds, to claim a victory when the odds are stacked against you...what a feeling that is. It's a long journey in which feels good and you legitimately learned in the process. Today we get the opposite of yesterday and one of the main theme of the blog of sorts. Truths told through gaming experiences.

Every time I'm in a rut, I'm reminded of a few things. How alone one really is when it comes to making a living. How few are actually there when you need it. Last but not least, an opportunity to appreciate that I do just enough (although just enough is a huge underestimation of all the planning that takes place) to make sure enough stays in place to have a place to live. The world could be falling apart AND without a place to go...so this too shall pass. Didn't go into Halo 4 just being instantly good at it, but went straight into Legendary difficulty. Didn't first get into Bloodborne and not spend several hours on the first real boss of the game before getting skilled enough to finally tackle it. The only "Mile High Club" I'm cool enough for wasn't without several failed attempts of a under two minute mission on Veteran in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. While this all sounds attainable and I know it is, sometimes you just get tired of doing the thing. Being responsible. Planning ahead. Doing what it takes. The average person doesn't get to enjoy their life as they should due to having to work most of it and the ones that get away with it don't appreciate it as much.

My mind does loops around the same tired topics consistently wondering if things are gonna get better and they eventually do. The closest thing to stability comes when you can truly filter the noise, get ready to embrace the grind (for as much as no one wants to hear or do that) and come out victorious after say a decade of hard work. I haven't done what I'd like to have at this age but more than I've seen with others in certain aspects for future proofing life. Everyone needs a plan. Just recently I spoke with a family unsure of what will be happening with social security that they worked all their life for...because it isn't just friends and family you hope at times will be there. It's also the country, right? Don't hold your breath.

No one likes staring at progress bars but we all used to do it back in the days of Napster and Limewire, especially if you didn't have DSL and worked off dial-up internet. Sometimes, the wait is worth it. We tend to lose the plot, think about the wrong things, take on the wrong people. A future can look almost unattainable at times, but when you find the strength for that second wind, things become exciting again. You're always gonna fight your own worst critic (yourself) especially if you have mental health concerns, but you eventually come to realize and think about what makes you happy and that personal accomplishment feels good. Helping others feels good. Having that meal you worked a bit harder for feels good. Anyone who may have not worked hard for these things, try it someday. It's a different feeling. One that prepares you for what we truly need in life. Financial freedom.

All about money. Boring, right? Tell yourself that the next time something comes up you can't pay, and pray that whatever it is isn't water, electricity, or rent. Life is like a soulslike at times and you need to fortitude to not go hollow. Help in those titles are also few and far between. You also however, in some have both online help or assists. You don't have to do it alone. You just have to know where to look. Being inside our shell is nice and all, but we have to come out to get closer to a life we want to live, instead of the one many of us are forced to live.

[eazy-group]

Reese Witherspoon on Divorce, Her Keys to Wellness and the Liberation of Her 40s

New Post has been published on https://eazybeauty.net/reese-witherspoon-on-divorce-her-keys-to-wellness-and-the-liberation-of-her-40s/

Reese Witherspoon on Divorce, Her Keys to Wellness and the Liberation of Her 40s

This is a chapter of Reese Witherspoon’s life that she’s writing. Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar, Witherspoon gets candid about announcing her divorce, the freedom of her 40s and what it’s like to finally take a moment for herself.

Witherspoon, 47, is a powerhouse in Hollywood with over 60 acting credits to her name and a wildly successful production company, Hello Sunshine, to run. According to those who know her, Witherspoon rarely, if ever, slows down.

“She is one of the most highly productive human beings I’ve ever encountered,” Jennifer Aniston says. “It’s incredible.”

But now, Witherspoon is taking some time for herself.

“My brain has been going nonstop, and just life changes and running a company…” she says. “But that’s okay. I really believe creativity is infinite and you’re just looking for that next bit of inspiration, so if you go through a little slow period, that’s okay.”

The Keys to Wellness

For Witherspoon, a good green smoothie has been a major component of her day for over a decade. She’s even walked us through how to make it on Instagram, saying that you can use “anything green you have in the refrigerator” for this versatile smoothie.

Her big pro-tip is to pack in some good-for-you sweets to balance out all those bitter greens. She uses an entire apple, pear and banana. Witherspoon first caught wind of the recipe that would become her go-to from longtime friend Kerry Washington. “I was sat next to her at an award show,” Witherspoon says. “And I said, ‘your skin is just glowing, what do you do?’”

Washington told her that she credited it to the smoothie which helped clear her skin and strengthened her hair and nails.

In addition to this longtime staple of her routine, Witherspoon is trying to take it slower and invest more in herself. That includes using binaural beat therapy to fall asleep. “It’s better than any melatonin or sleep aid,” she says. “[It] turns your brain off.”

A binaural beat is an auditory illusion that has been utilized as a form of sound therapy. Essentially, playing two slightly different frequencies in each ear makes the brain create a new, third sound that’s in-between those original frequencies. While the medical evidence for its effectiveness is still being studied, it’s a fairly common form of sleep therapy.

Writing Her Own Narrative

There’s a reason why Witherspoon has been taking it a bit slower, recently. In March, she announced her separation from her second husband, former CAA power agent Jim Toth. She’s not unfamiliar with how this process goes, especially in the public eye. But this time, she’s a lot more in control.

“When I was divorced before, the tabloid media got to tell people how I was feeling or how I was processing, and it felt very out of control,” Witherspoon says. “To be able to talk to people directly about what’s going on in my life and just share it in the way that I share great professional experiences or personal experiences, it feels much more authentic to be able to say things in my own voice and not let somebody else control what’s happening. Then, of course, there’s speculation, but I can’t control that. All I can do is be my most honest, forthright self and be vulnerable,” she says. “It’s a vulnerable time for me.”

And despite what you might assume, Witherspoon says she’s felt more connected and less isolated since going public with her divorce announcement. “I think about how many other people are going through this experience,” she says. “I don’t feel isolated at all. I feel very connected.”

The Freedom of Aging

For Witherspoon, the big change in her life trajectory was having her first child at 22.

“Who do I want my daughter to see? I really want to be a woman she looks up to. … I worked on it a lot,” Witherspoon says.

And these days, she’s got a much clearer picture of who she is.

“I think you start to realize there’s a finite amount of time that you have to accomplish what you want to accomplish in this world and that worrying about other people’s opinions of you is a waste of your precious time,” says Witherspoon. “It’s a liberation in your 40s to feel free of other people’s opinions. I mean, they’re always there. They just don’t matter as much to you, and it’s a great feeling.”

Source

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[scottguy]

So many boomers think Reagan was a "great president" when he was the man who started our slide into the hell that has become the American poor and its lower middle class. (But a playground for the wealthy!)

Everything was good for middle class and poor Americans in the 40s, 50s, & 60s, *because of* GOVERNMENT and high taxes & limits on the wealthy and corporations.

But along came Reagan, who explained to us that "government" was really our problem.

The only people who feel that "government" is a problem are the wealthy and corporations they own who find that reasonable regulations (to save lives) are a nuisance because they *slightly reduce* profits.

Reagan's little joke was saying that the scariest words in the English language are, "I'm with the government and I'm here to help."

Which is really truly fucking absurd. Seriously? How does that threaten you SO badly?

Government is just people hired to help other people. Conservatives, because of 40 years of right-wing propaganda, act like "the government" is some kind of alien beings with evil intent. We would live in a jungle if it was not for human government. No one would be safe. There would be chaos.

Government, like any other human organization, isn't perfect, but *unlike* corporate America, government's only function is to help people and not, like corporations, to screw over human beings for maximum profit.

Corporations *often* choose to let workers or consumers die or get very sick because it's more profitable than addressing the problem ethically and with human decency.

The gains of middle class had made in the 40s, 50s, & 60s were all taken for granted so much that Americans assumed they would continue regardless of the administration in charge.

Hah!

People kept voting Republican and getting screwed *every single time* because Republicans have a decades long history of crashing the economy due to their ridiculous fiscal policies that favor the rich. ( It's been pointed out that Republican led states have far worse economies than any Democrat led states. If Republican policies were so amazing, wouldn't the red states be thriving right now in 2024?)

So Republicans fuck up the American economy...

and later vote in Democrats to bail the American economy out.

And then when things get good, eight years later, people think, "Let's vote for the Republicans again!! We haven't had them in a while. They can do a better job!! Just listen to them complain about the fiscal irresponsibility of the Democrats." Who cares if they've made tax cuts for the rich that they've never paid for in the budget. They say they're fiscally responsible, and that's good enough for me, in spite of all evidence to the contrary!

American utterly forget how badly things went under the previous Republican administration. Americans believe the lies of Republicans. These are the same lies people told you 40 years ago that trickle - down economics would make us all rich.

Has that happened yet?

Of course not! Because it was all a giant great-sounding lie!

Republicans have learned to criticize Democrats constantly and thus imply that they will do better.

But we've seen the sheer hypocrisy and transparency of those Republican lies now in a BIG WAY! They claim to be more ethical and more fiscally conservative and yet they support criminal Trump and give away any budget cut savings (always from programs for the poor and the middle class) to wealthy people.

Republicans don't care about freedom. They took away a woman's right to an abortion. They want to take away your birth control now. They want to ban books and censor and go against the First Amendment. They want to censor the very "free speech" they claim to champion.

Worst republicans claim to be "patriots" yet they STILL support those they encouraged to attack our our US capitol building violently with intent to murder their fellow Americans. All just because they couldn't handle their crap candidate losing the vote for president.

Republicans don't care if children starve or are injured working as child labor to increase corporate profits.

Voters can be so stupid with their "throw the bums out" policy every four to eight years because everything isn't perfect yet. Changing parties is assumed to always be automaticly good.

That political knee-jerk reaction needs serious rethinking because we vote back in people who take us the wrong direction. Republicans, not only don't make things better. They actively make things worse.

Change for the sake of change is not the answer. Look at the track record of the party you're voting for. If they didn't do good things for you in the past, why on earth would the next time be any better? Of course, they'll promise to do better because they want your vote. Politicians have been known to lie frequently.

Republicans have shown us who they truly are. They are the servants of the billionaire and oligarch class. They will throw average and poor Americans under the bus any time it's convenient to the rich. Republicans have absolutely no concerns about ethics, decency or even suppressing violence.

This is the United States in 2024. This is where the "Reagan Revolution" has left us 40 years later.

We now have one party who are nothing but human monsters. They don't even pretend to care about average Americans. They are so confident that their propaganda pumping Fox and other networks will cover for them with copious lies every evening on the TV.

Their actions prove that Republicans want to TAKE all of your freedoms. ( Except for guns since they don't care how many innocent Americans and children are slaughtered by AR15s) Americans DON'T have the inherent natural human right of safety from harm so others can have the the so-called 'freedom' to play with deadly weapons as a hobby.

How can one party, just one group of people be so backwards?

It's simple. Republicans are all just slaves to the greed & power of their oligarch masters.

Those oligarchs Republicans serve so slavishly alsobhave their private twisted religious beliefs. With their billions of dollars, they have the POWER to shove their private ridiculous religious ideas all the way down your throat. Just because they can afford to do it!

If we'd contined to tax the wealthy like we had in the past, there would be no billionaires. No one would have the kind of money and power, that, right now, too many rich, white, old billionaire men have. They have the means and the nerve to try to force their stupid religious ideas and even fascism on you.

So thanks, Ronnie, and all you asshole Republicans, for bringing our country to the brink of fascism (possibly christofascism) in the name of greed.

You Republicans all fucking suck.

[recoveringstoic]

JFT: I will let down my personal walls and reach out to others. I will allow my heart the freedom to love and be loved.

I was definitely emotionally broken when I came to the program. I definitely still am, in some ways. It would be lying to say that I've emotionally recovered from a decade of using and all the trauma that came along with it. But I'm starting to feel a shift. By creating honest, vulnerable with relationships in the program, I'm learning that it's safe to process your emotions, as long as you have the tools to cope with them. And through these relationships, I'm learning valuable tools that allow me to do just that.

When I came to the program I didn't trust anyone. It felt like people were only being so nice to me because they wanted me to join the program, and that's what they were supposed to do. But there's one friendship I made in my first time through in recovery that has showed me genuine love and concern. And I don't think I would've seen this if I hadn't gone back out - she accepted my decision to go back out, without judgment (or enabling) and that really shifted my perspective. She didn't care if I was in the program - she genuinely cared about me, and wanted what's best for me. When I told her I didn't think the program was for me, she listened without judgment and shared with me that the program isn't for anyone. Maybe it wasn't for me. Then after a while of going back out, she listened when I told her that I missed being around the rooms. Then when I made the move to come back, she welcomed me with open arms. I think that's been the first unconditionally loving relationship I've ever had. And it's made such a difference in my life. I'm extremely grateful, because that relationship has taught me how to trust people in the program, and in the outside world as well. That one relationship has given me the trust I needed to create so many others. Now I have an amazing ballteam that I can lean on, with people that I want to get better for so that I can support them in the same ways they've supported me in my recovery.

These relationships have taught me how to be authentically me. I know that they don't judge me for my past or my goals or just the way I am. I come as I am, and they come as they are, and we love and support each other. And I'm so grateful to have these relationships in my life. I don't feel the need to hide anymore.