#feel like theres another time somewhere but i cant remember

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

is "and what flavour ice cream" really the only time 13 laughs because that would be Evil

[moonsaver]

Thinking back to a post you once made about Aeon Sunday… Imagine being someone who knew Sunday in the past before his ascension, only to then receive the gaze of Aeon Sunday later in life

Oh my god. I love this. This is simultaneously creepy AND oddly romantic.

Theres a lot of possibilities for this – was reader sunday's crush? A suitor? Maybe just someone he shared small talk with and actually liked it more than usual? Ooohohoho

Im not sure if its yan or not, so i just kinda.. kept it variable(?)

This ones a bit longer because i desperatley need to wordvomti . Thanks.

Achieving an aeon's gaze is strange, your discipline, morals, ideals, lifestyle, something has to deeply resonate with their followed path. Let us assume Sunday is something similar to a "dreamlike" aeon [maybe it's mentioned in his boss form description, all i remember is the embryo of Philosophy ;;]

But again, it's not exactly stated how you'd be able to achieve an aeon's gaze; i still have no idea how acheron did it [IX is literally a black hole??], because i cant for the life of me read through those huge blocks of texts in the dialogue.

So lets say Sunday's able to pull his own strings and maybe even force you on that path. He's an aeon – who's stopping him?

Its the middle of the night, you're awake in bed, tossing and turning. It feels like something in your chest is pulling, a weird sensation you've been trying to put off. Your eyes are burning from the lack of sleep, but your mind seems restless. You try to calm yourself down and think about one thing and then another, one by one, until you remember Sunday. You wonder what was going through his mind, his in-between words in that one conversation, what he could have meant..

And like that, you fall asleep. Your bones sink into the bed, your weight relaxes into the pliant surface.

And then you awake. But somewhere else. It's not your bedroom – not the familiar ceiling, nor the corner of your room with piled clothes or a messy table. It's the cosmos, littered with stars. It's strange. You almost don't notice until you try to move – you're floating in space.

You turn, and he's there. That recognizable golden halo, stretching out into the dark expanse like the inside of a star plunging into the depths, golden eyes that peer down at you; with recognition, understanding, almost sympathy, and something you can't quite place. Your ribs ache and your lungs burn when you're reminded to breathe – this is the man you were thinking about before you slept.

You wake up, panting, shooting up in bed. The familiar space of your room greets you this time. The night is young outside your window ‐ not much time seems to have passed in that brilliant moment.

You were ready to chalk it up to a dream, like the ones where you feel like you're falling and wake up with a racing heart. But then you look down, and see a strange symbol on your body, something akin to an eye.

It seems you've earned his blessing to follow his path.

And even more? It seems like you're the first person to actually follow this path.

It's strange and isolating in a way. You can awaken from the sweetdream paradise your beloved Aeon seems to have put penacony under. You gain this strange, superflous, iridescent ghost of a halo, and you realise you can use it to communicate.

You can communicate with Sunday.

But a part of you finds it pointless. you can't understand what he's saying anymore; Aeons' existence transcends language. You can only hear whispers of people speaking to you, as though it's from the corner of a room, somewhere in the distance, with one barely audible male voice standing out in the whispering; it might be sunday's real voice, but you're not sure. At least, to some degree, you've managed to make out a few words.

Some words give you information. You can monitor the true handiwork of your aeon this way. Every person's dream — sweet, deep slumbers, exquisitely woven by deft fingers, all in 7 days. You figured this when you phased out of the dream, looking down at your own sleeping body and freaking out, when Sunday communicated with you for the first time, instantly calming you down. Dream. Woven. 7 days. Those words were evident in the cacophony of whispers.

Some words carry warnings. Or rather, they're not exactly words.

When your curious hands boldly trace the surface of a particularly fragile dream, you hear breathing. In close proximity, too, as if its right behind your ear. Sometimes, if you try to wake someone, you feel the breathing; warm, and languidly flowing down the back of your collar. You've chosen to not find out what happens when you don't listen.

Sometimes, when you decide to simply phase out of the dream to take a look at your own body in reality – you talk to Sunday. You tell him what you think, who you met in the dreamscape, what he can do to make it better [since.. well, you can't exactly do much to awaken anyone or oppose an aeon]. You assume he doesn't hear you, since you don't get your whispery response, but after you catch a few glimpses of your suggestions in the dreamscape, you realise he's just a good listener.

Perhaps, even if you may be the only follower of this path for now.. it may not be as isolating as you think.

[the-s1lly-corner]

TADC characters x reader crying and the characters are trying to calm the reader down

TADC cast finding the reader crying!

WOOOOOO so sorry for not getting to requests sooner, i was busy today and caught up in doing a bunch of baking orders! yahoo! i made a buncha scones today and churros :)! i might make pretzels tomorrow for myself also ive never watched one piece but im absolutely obsessed with chopper VV

CAINE:

"now now my dear, what's wrong?" immediately takes you off to a private area away from prying eyes and ears. surprisingly a good listener, i mean he cares about you so so much, youre like. his number one, so of course hes going to be looking out for you. tries his best to cheer you up, regardless of whats making you so upset; another circus member, being overwhelmed, or your brain just being mean... this man would literally carry the world for you.. well a digital world, but the sentiment still stands i think..! just say the word and hes going to do whatever it takes to cheer you up!

POMNI:

very awkward comforter, i think i might have said this somewhere; in fact i may have had a similar request to this a while ago but i truly do not remember and i cant be bothered to look through the sea of TADC stuff ive written... but she would be SO bad at comforting people; like she just stands there before awkwardly patting your back. and thats assuming she goes through with the action, theres a solid chance she just. asks outright if youre okay in this nervous voice trying to be gentle. its not her fault i prommy, shes just bad at comforting people. offers to take you to her room so you have some privacy, kind of just lets you let it all out

RAGATHA:

again i might be biased for ragatha because ive really fallen in love with her since i opened up requests but she would be the absolute queen of comfort. speaks in a really soft voice as she takes you off to yours or her room, sets you down on the bed and lets you lean on her for support (metaphorically and literally!). gives you the softest blankets and pillows, and simply lets you pour your heart out. asks if you want comfort or solutions; because both have their time and place i think. sometimes you want solutions, and sometimes you just want pure comfort. ragatha gets it. and whichever one you want, shes going to deliver on it! will likely take it upon herself to try to solve the issue if its an external thing that made you upset. 10/10 love her

JAX:

believe or not i think he would be the type to try to confront the thing upsetting you yourself, especially if it was someone who had upset you. best way i can explain it is like. you know that one pizza episode of spongebob where squidward stands up for spongebob to that rude customer who made him cry? it would have the same energy, i think. asshole who actually has a heart stepping in to defend someone when there needs to be justice type deal. now if he was the one who made you upset, say by one of his pranks, then it might take him a minute for the guilt to kick in but it would be there... eventually. does feel bad, tries to cheer you up and does try to apologize, i think

KINGER:

oddly enough i think he would be up there in terms of how good he is with comforting people! i say odd because he seems so out of it a lot of the time. but i think the second he sees your tears hes just laser focused. very similar to ragatha in terms that he takes you away and lets you speak. to the pillow fort! lets you cry into the fur of his robe, too... rubs circles into your back. this man carries the same level of comfort that sweet old people carry, if that makes sense. the type of person so say "ive got you" when comforting someone, i think

ZOOBLE:

has to do a double take when they see you crying. like pomni i think theyre bad at comforting... but not as much, if that makes sense. if it was someone who had made you upset, they probably try to tell you that they arent worth the time of day and that youre better than them. strikes them with the curse of them also giving you awkward back and shoulder pats, but its even more awkward and uncomfortable because they have weird hard plastic hands. look, ok. theyre trying, theyre likely trying their best too- honestly i think their main form of comfort is talking shit about the person or thing that made you feel bad

GANGLE:

honestly she might cry with you. admittedly i dont see gangle herself being the best comforter when someone is crying; especially if its someone she cares so deeply about. i think like everyone else, she would gently take her hands in yours and guide you off to the side so you can have some privacy and decency. she does try her best to try to cheer you up; and i think that she would have better luck with it if her comedy mask isnt broken! but if it is, its likely that shes going to cry with you. probably leads to vent sesh between the two of you where you vent to one another and cry. hey, that works too, i think! not to say that she is trying to purposefully trying to make it about herself too, but like. her way of empathizing with you. "oh hey we're both having a bad day, let me show how i can relate to you so you feel less alone" type deal

[stevie-petey]

Hi M! I saw you mention that you felt bad for Billy because of that particular lack of a chance he got to prove himself to be a good person. And I definitely agree because even tho he was really cruel and horrible, the scene of his death still made many of us cry 🤧

Because of this, I thought of a tiny little angst blurb if you want to write it!

In your latest chapter of come home, it was mentioned that he tried finding bug because he didn’t know what was going on with him and why he was acting the way he was.

Do you think you could write that from his pov?

Thank you! 😁

this one is a challenge because ive never written billys pov but heres my very poor attempt lmao

enjoy !

"dude, are you alright?"

lights blind billy. a ringing in his ears nearly deafens him. his vision blurs and his teeth grind into sawdust. the taste of blood fills his mouth as he bites down on his tongue. he grips at the lifeguard stand, hardly able to stand himself.

theres a guy in front of him. billy thinks his name is alex, who eyes him wearily. alex clears his throat, tries again. "hey, uh. billy?"

billy. his name is billy. billy hargrove.

the metallic taste of blood coats his mouth. he tries to speak, words tumble from mouth like a slippery slope. he doesnt have control over them. he cant remember if hes supposed to breathe in or out when he speaks.

all billy knows is that theres a girl out there. someone told him to come find her of he ever needed anything. what was her name? it started with an h, two, maybe three syllables.

he loses his footing, almost falls against the stands wood, and alex takes a step back from him. hes scared of billy. did he do something? hes cold. his entire body is cold.

"you know what, im just... i'll just go." alex takes another step back. he pushes his glasses up stands awkwardly in front of billy. "y/n is probably waiting for me, anyways."

the hair on billys arms stand up.

y/n henderson. that had been the girls name.

sweetheart. billy calls you sweetheart. hawkins sweetheart. the one who extended help to him.

"where?" saliva mixed with blood follows billys question.

alexs eyes widen. "w-what?"

"where. is. y/n?" he needs to find you. its getting harder and harder to keep the blood inside his mouth. his guts twist within his stomach, billy thinks the cold that attacks his body is really white hot heat, searing his intestines and burning him from the inside.

you said you could help him.

billy doesnt know whats going on. darkness seeps into his brain. he cant think straight. the sunlight casts a blinding streak across his eyesight. is he dreaming?

"she... she should be waiting in her car." alex isnt sure if he should be telling billy this. youve always been weird when it came to the mention of the boy, but billys sweat drips onto the concrete and alex thinks he may be experiencing heatstroke.

he decides then that he should take billy to you. alex knows youll know what to do. you always do. the amount of times youve saved his ass at work is more than hes willing to admit, but alex holds a deep appreciation for you.

alex grabs billys arm to guide him towards the pools exit, but the skin is cold to the touch. he flinches, he doesnt understand whats wrong with the guy. hes drenched in sweat and yet ice cold.

billy doesnt register any of this. all he can feel is his body being moved somewhere. hes removed from it all. his body hasnt been his ever since the night he crashed his car.

theres something inside of billy. something more sinister than the anger his father left him. worse than the bruises and scars from his childhood. and billy is afraid.

it takes some maneuvering, alex has to stop and steady billy every few feet, but eventually they make it to the pools parking lot. only your car isnt there.

alex curses and looks down at his watch. its almost one in the afternoon. your shift at bookstrordinary shouldve ended thirty minutes ago. youre never late.

and yet you never show.

billy and alex stand in the parking lot for nearly an hour waiting for you. the sun blazes down upon their skin. billy nearly blacks out at one point, and alex doesnt know what to do.

then something seems to shift within billy. his back straightens, his eyes suddenly ignite, and the blue in his irises is gone. black now infiltrates, and alex nearly trips on the curb in his haste to get away from him.

billy sniffs the air in an animalistic way. alex watches.

theyre here.

the voice booms in billys mind. its gravelly, rough, it isnt human.

follow them. follow her.

billy turns and sees el walking across the street. shes coming towards the pool. she hasnt seen him yet. neither have the others. those goddamn kids and max.

max.

who is he again?

[yourlovermumu]

so i was thinkingggg

should i do a bakugo and reader fanfic where its set in a desi setting? like indian, Pakistani, or bangladeshi setting.

and like the trope is slow burn and marriage of convenience. AND CHILDHOOD FRIENDS.

basically bakugo and your parents happen to be in the same social circle and so basically you and bakugo often saw each other at several parties and events such as weddings and family gatherings.

you guys were particularly close but werent exactly strangers to each other. growing up you, bakugo, and izuku would run off somewhere alone to play around at these events. but as you all grew older you both stopped showing up to these events as often. well...mostly bakugo. you and izuku would show up to these family events and such with your parents quite alot more then bakugo would.

you and bakugo stopped seeing each other as often eventually and drifted apart. the friendship and joy you two shared together as kids are now distant memories. especially with bakugo moving to japan to chase his ambition.

but soon enough after your twentieth birthday you hear his coming back and his parents are arranging a friendly gathering with close family and friends and that they are back in their motherland. and of course, your family is also invited.

you dont think much of it, really. its such another one of those events and family gatherings you have grown customed to growing up where you did.

it isnt odd in the slightest to get invited someone's home in occasions such as this.

but what is odd is the way your dupatta gets stuck in his watch and suddenly your not looking at anyone but him. but its not like he is in any better condition then you. he is also frozen. just staring. staring at you.

your eyes are locked with his and suddenly you dont seem to remember why you looked behind your back. why? because you felt a tug on your dupatta? thats not what matters to you right now. because with the air getting knocked out of you with the way his so far but...feels so close. you can see all the features of his face so clearly. he has certainly grown much, much more handsome in the time you two were apart for the past 7 years.

but did his eyes always look at you like? no...not when you two were kids, no.

and that fact only makes you all the more aware that you two arent just two kids sneaking away from your parents to play in a abandoned room in the far corner where no one will bother you both.

his a man. and your a women.

a soft chuckle from him breaks you out of your trance. its a intoxicating sound. his voice is deep, you note.

''not gonna untangle your dupatta, chutki?'' theres that sexy smug smile on his lips when he says that.

you cant help but roll your eyes at the nickname. its the same exact one he called you ages ago. but thats when you didnt even know where babies come from.

if it werent for his handsome face, he best bet you'd slap his face one way or another. just like old times.

but that lighthearted air that surrounded you both is now far gone with you sitting across from him. your parents at your side and his mother and father right by his.

the air is filled with grim air that only you and bakugo can sense. your parents seem to be in their little world.

their beating around the bush is obvious enough. you can already tell what this is about. and so can bakugo.

and non of you know how to feel about it. but one thing is clear, your both not kin on the idea.

''you two have grown of age. its time for marriage isnt that right?'' your mother says with a friendly smile on her face. and you so wish you could just bury yourself into a hole right then and there. sure you knew it would happen. your parents have been quite open about getting you married, saying its high time you give them a grandchild before they bite the dust. because apparently your elder sister and brother wouldnt. your brother is too focused with his multimillionaire company while your sister claims her job as a lawyer is much too demanding to spare time for marriage of all things. so now the pressure of marriage is upon you. but him? bakugo of all people? why?

you and bakugo both eye each other at your mother's words. surely...she cant be..?

''we think you two should get married. you two are a good match for each other.''

and all hell breaks loose. thats the sentence you were anticipating. bakugo is the first to express his disapproval.

''hell no! old hag are ya outta your mind?'' he shouts.

''you have to get married eventually. isnt it better to marry someone who your familiar with rather then a stranger? maybe there would have been more options open if only you didnt chase off girls by the mere sight of you, boy!'' his mother voiced. the volume of her words matching her voice.

bakugo grumbles at his mother's words, shooting her a glare.

you wanna escape. of course you do. because hell no were you gonna marry bakugo katsuki. no offense but that guy is NOT capable of being a good husband. you'd rather marry a beggar on the street then him. but its not like you can say that outright with several eyes on you.

''....abba, mami, is this...necessary?'' you gave both your parents an uncertain look. definitely trying to some how talk them out of this conversation and just go home. you cant bear to sit here and listen to this any longer.

''well...its already settled.''

you frown.

''what?''

''its settled. its not like you two would ever get married on your own record to begin with. so...your father and i as well as katsuki's parents decided that we set it up before you to can back out.''

what was to come now in your future married life?

(just a little thought lmfao lemme know if yall want me to write it <3)

[imab00kwh0r3]

babel, and why i love it (SPOILERS!!!!)

ok im terribly late to reading it, for its not sold in many places where i live, so i found the pdf luckily.

babel is a book about colonialism and racism and oppression, it is about revolution and battling your inner conscience (in my opinion at least, i'll elaborate later). it tells the story of robin swift coming to the prestigious royal institute of translation or better known as babel, where during his yrs there he discovers that the glamourous oxford university isnt such a righteous place. his loyalty is tested, blood is shed and tears fall which leads up to a revolution to stop an incoming war.

there are many reviews regarding how its racist to white ppl (which is astounding to even think about) and that its not accurate as women werent allowed to go to university in the 1830s but im not going to talk about that, that much. i wanted to speak on the actual translation/language aspect of it.

throughout the book, translation and language r some of the main themes (obviously) but the impact it has on the people, both in the book and irl is smth i havent seen anyone mention. language isnt just a form of communication but it is part of our culture, it is part of our identity, and during colonial times many languages suffered, they were being erased as they were "barbaric" or "strange" they were banned and anyone who spoke them was punished like in victoires chapter. robin, ramy and victoire all can barely speak their native languages, robin has almost fogotten cantonese, ramy has very basic knowledge of bengali and victoire is never given a chance or is permitted to speak in haitian creole. they lost one of the main things that connects them to their motherland, they only have their appearance left. they will never be able to talk to their ppl properly.

victoire was frustrated that haitian creole isnt recognised as a proper language like how in their exams, her match-pair wouldnt be counted properly as haitian creole wouldnt be used much hence its "useless" in the eyes of prof. leblanc. she was beaten when she would speak haitian croele in her house in france. when she first came to babel she was correcting herself from "kreyol" to "haitian creole" and was unsure if she could even study it.

robin realised that prof.lovell actually knew more than him about his own language, his mother tongue. he could barely stand being back in canton and he felt isolated in a way as everything changed and was new and so was the language even though he was born hearing and speaking it.

not much is talked about this with ramy except that he barely knows bengali, even though hes fluent in english, latin, greek, arabic, persian and urdu. he knows 6 languages and in his chapter he is sed to "absorb languages like a sponge" and that he recited poems or writing in other languages he didnt know perfectly, even down to tone, only after having it read to him once but he barely knows his mother tongue.

this relates to modern times as many languages of previously colonised countries rely on english words like in india u will barely hear the word pathshala, instead u will hear school. in mauritian creole when people speak they will slip in english words, like "netwai whiteboard la" which means clean the whiteboard.

we dont know our language fully because of the erasure of them.

theres also 1st gen immigrant children where their mother tongue is smth they barely hear or they forgot after a while, they feel so incredibly disconnected once they realise. this is how robin is and this is how i am too, i was born in europe, then at 7 i moved to england and now im somewhere entirely different, i dont remember my mother tongue, i dont dream in it. which ultimately makes u lose ur voice in a metaphorical way.

u cant speak because u dont know how.

another important thing is the purposeful mistranslations and burning of books, thats not fully discussed in the book although it would have been a nice touch. colonisers purposefully mistranslated things to control the masses because when they burnt our books, they burnt our language, knowledge and people. and the exploitation of our languages like the statue at univ of william jones sitting at desk and 3 hindu sages on the floor infront of him exists, and how missionaries were taught our languages to help in conversion.

now onto the 1830s inaccuracies and racism:

its the fucking 1830s do u think white ppl were nice to poc at this time, like slavery just ended in the eyes of the law for britain but still continued in other places like america. reverse racism doesnt exist, white ppl can be prejudiced against but u lot r not oppressed and never will be, u lot wont be killed for being white, so stop crying. and about the women wouldnt be at university in the 1830s thing its fiction, r.f. kuang took some liberties.

and that is all i have to say, dont start an argument, anyways babel is great, go read it!!

[flamemons]

How do you think Digimon Frontier might have gone if the Spirits of Steel, Wood, and Earth had been bequeathed to Ophanimon, the Spirits of Darkness and Water had been bequeathed to Seraphimon, the Spirits of Flame, Light, Ice, Wind, and Thunder had been bequeathed to Cherubimon, and the protagonists had been Katsuharu, Teppei, Chiaki, Teruo, and Koichi (with Kouji joining later)?

im just gonna ramble whatever comes to mind lmao. i drew some stuff too!

uuh while i find it hard to care too much about those other kids because well, I don't know much about them, it is really fun thinking about how kouichi would act if he was there from the start. I think he'd be serious, in a similar way to Kouji, bc he's there on a mission, y'know! All he remembers is following his brother around until Kouji gets some weird text message (wait,,, does kouichi have a phone? probably not, huh. poor people gang ftw...) and now hes in this fuckin place! (hes a dead soul in this au too.) I'd imagine he'd be just as driven as Kouji was, if not more so, bc he KNOWS koujis gotta be here somewhere....but instead of initially trying to avoid the other kids (koujis strategy), he'd probably stick around as soon as he realizes that theyre gonna get themselves killed if they keep acting stupid. So, instead of trying to ditch the kids or act distant, he'd nag them and rush them to stay on track, and come off as kind of a bossy stick-in-the-mud at first

Side note, its easy to think of kouji as being a lot more serious and mature compared to the rest of the frontier kids, but honestly, I have to wonder if he wouldve acted differently if ophanimon wasnt calling him all the damn time telling him that he has to find answers! hes gotta get stronger! theres something he Has To Know!!! like damn if ophanimon was that specific with the other kids they'd also probably be just as sullen. anyway, kouichi would be feeling the same kind of pressure.

in an attempt to make it more interesting for me, chiaki and teruo are now siblings. or close cousins. or something. (what if they were fraternal twins?? that would be so funny actually. there is a statistically improbable amount of twins here!) AND bc i like chiaki the most i think she'd make a cool leader of sorts! like, the lancer to kouichi. kouichi ends up accidentally being the leader bc hes so driven, and chiakis like, a genuinely nice person who really wants to help the digital world as soon as she steps off the first trailmon onto the flame terminal. she also doesnt take shit from anyone. maybe she was a quiet wallflower-type kid at school, but, if its for another's sake, then she'll always speak up! so now, in the digital world, she cant stay quiet!

ah i love just making shit up. this is fun

so together, they make the most chillest leader/lancer duo ever. (hey, if they WERE to be the two Main Ones, wouldnt it be cool if their Susanoomon-type evolution was deep-sea themed? mix darkness and water together, and you get The Fucking Abyss. it could be bioluminescent! a cool way to turn "light into darkness!")

btw, im not drawing any spirit forms here bc I think these kids would have alternative spirit forms as opposed to the evil ones in the show. like, heroic looking ones (basically, no child deserves to have to spirit evolve into grottomon) BUT im no good at character design and that sounds like a lotta work. also, the other spirits (fairymon, chakkmon, agnimon, etc,) would need evil forms too then, right?? that sounds like a REALLY hard thing to try drawing, so nah. just imagine these kids spirit evolving and fighting offscreen. speaking of the other spirits though,

i want chakkmon/tomoki to try pummeling the shit out of katsuharu and teppei!! karmas a bitch!! tomoki didnt get to have his character development in this AU, bc he (probably) fell off the trailmon train tracks and got Got by cherubimon!

i like the main frontier kids too much to not include them in everything i draw Ever, so imagine that maybe they all came to the digital world alone, and wandered around until they found their respective spirits (in similar circumstances to the show) but since those spirits belongto cherubimon, theyre possessed/convinced to fight on cherubimons side!! like "oh shit i have no friends and i hate my life, yea this big evil bunny has a point lets go fuck shit up". maybe some of them are fully in control of their actions, maybe some arent. maybe some of them remember that theyre human, but maybe some of them dont....?

lastly, i have to apologize bc i got completely sidetracked bc i thought "oh takuya and kouji would be very funny as team rocket-esque villains" so heres flamon and strabimon but Evil™

i like to imagine that theyre the Most Incompetent of cherubimons Evil Guys but theyre the only two (that cherubimon knows of) that can form susanoomon so THATS why hes trying to collect all the spirits. bc of that, they DEFINITELY dont remember that theyre human. (bc of that, they also kind of dont have anything to care about, so theyre just trying to have fun)

it would be fun if they were initially kind of lame but although they may be idiots, theyre not Dumb, so they slowly become competent at the same rate as the Heroes do, and instead of a sephirothmon arc theres like.......a beowolfmon and aldamon arc??? im not a writer i dont know. watch these five kids (and counting!) get slowly hunted by two fucking Beasts in the darkest forest ever.

or maybe they do Actually manage to collect all the spirits but it goes so horribly wrong and now theres like ten goddamn kids and ten spirits mashed up in the psyche of a very unstable susanoomon and its just some fucked up Twisted psychological nightmare. digimon evangelion.

basically in this AU, there is even MORE wild tone shifts and the plot goes Absolutely Fucking Bonkers. and takuya's cosplaying Jotaro Kujo for some fucking unknown reason.

thank you for asking! this was....probably not what you were going for, but c'est la vie

[romanceuntold]

hi everyone! it's jen, back at it again since i always come around with a long, heartfelt "end of the year" wrap up! i just gotta be there. i hadn't had the time to come up with an actual heart-to-heart message this year, so i would like to share something else with you guys instead (aka my personal ending ment hehe) i hope this finds you all well! 🩵

a message for the upcoming year - "if you knock on a door and it remains closed, it means there is nothing behind it. theres no magical, mysterious, alternative life you are being denied. there is nothing you are missing out on. what you are grieving is an idea of what might have been. if you feel you have spent too much of your life in disappointment and regret, perhaps is that you have tried to turn too many dead ends into pathways, empty rooms into more than they were ever intended to be. if you knock on a door and it remains closed, it means that the path is unfolding somewhere else, and you're now one step closer to finding it. it is not your dreams that must be released, but your sense of posibility that must be awakened."

another one goes... "if today was difficult for you, i hope you know that tomorrow can be better, i hope you know that the moments that are uncomfortable or hurt or dont make sense will pass. i hope you remind yourself of all the times you didnt think you were going to feel better but you did. as you go through your days, remember that every moment is just a moment.

when you cant take it one day at a time, try to take it one breath at a time, take really good care of yourself and know that it's okay if you don't accomplish everything you told yourself you needed to today. you dont have to start a new routine or healthy habit today if it feels like too much. you dont have to be as productive as the people that you see everywhere. your life is yours and you only have this one. tomorrow it will feel a little bit better. and then better. and then better. you are safe. you will have everything that you need."

and finally, before the next 12 months begin, here's your checkpoint - if you're carrying a weight that doesnt belong to you, it's time to release it. forgive yourself for those lessons that were learned a little too late. you're human, navigating a path that's both complex and beautiful. embrance the wisdom you gained, even if it came at a cost. remember, growth knows no timeline and you're exactly where you need to be.

your timing is yours alone, nobody else's!

@hyunpic ♡ @shorelinnes ♡ @xiaoxiongmaos ♡ @choibeomggyu ♡ @yeonjune ♡ @choi-soobin ♡ @heelicopter ♡ @minhosblr ♡ @innielove ♡ @crazy-form ♡ @facethesuns ♡ @dokyeomis ♡ @moonsua ♡ @hooned ♡ @lveclouds ♡ @exocean ♡ @dowoonyoon ♡ @bcomgyu ♡ @seungkwan-s ♡ @xiaojuun ♡ @usertae ♡ @bestleader ♡ @yutito ♡ @tmpttion ♡ @dykeyeonjun ♡ @wayvmp3 ♡ @oddinarys ♡ @woozis ♡ @jeonwonwoo ♡ @tbzuyeon ♡ @twiceland ♡ @soujisetas ♡ @yeonbins ♡ @heesungs ♡ @ddominho ♡ @isitstraightvodka ♡ @euphhorias ♡ @beomieblr ♡ @gyusgal ♡ @jaeyuned ♡ @5oobin ♡ @hueningkai ♡ @pookiez ♡ @waketoearth ♡ @deerseungs

to my cosmos (bc who am I if not the one who writes a bunch of words to yall lol):

🍜🐕 chesca: you are NOT at all the mean words stuck at the back of your mind. no way! you're as pretty as the flowers, the water, the weather, (specially the ORANGE SHADES) in each of those monet's paintings. with that, art might not be everyone's cup of tea, sure, but is still ARTWORK for a reason. you're not behind on anyone, you don't need to rush, to keep up, i've told you this before, so please... take great care of yourself. i want you to be as proud of yourself one day as i am on the daily. one day that will turn into everyday. you will get there, you will be your greatest inspiration one day.

🌻 sun: of all the things i wish to tell you, felix wrapped it all in one go: just take your time, if you want to take a break, take a break. dont force yourself to do something. if you feel tired or if it's too hard for you, no need to stress. you still have time. every single person is good at something. you still have so much time. this is your checkpoint: tend to your wounds, let them heal, if it hurts too bad, i'll help you bandage them til you are good to go. i promise!

🐱 maja: as a grand poet (lee know) once said: "no matter how you look at the sky, it is still blue. when it rains it turns gray. there are also times when it's dark but above the clouds, it's still blue. it'll all be over soon, it's just an extra headache if you worry about it". you will be alright! and yes, even if that one issue (or a few issues) is still weighing down in your heart a little, it's just a bigger cloud. the bluest of skies will still be there, for you, and so will i!

🎨 agnes: i wish i could just cup your face with my hands and yell at you about all the necessary things you need to remind yourself. for now, here goes something: "you are not meant to be ornamental, you are meant to be a person. that means taking up space and being loud and standing up for your needs (and sometimes wants) and being inconvenient because that's what people are." 100 becomes 99 if a number is missing, the set will never be whole without that 1 number to it. the space will be there for it to take up, bc 1 belongs there. much like us, much like the world. so please, just allow yourself to be.

finally - to all of you beautiful people, if you guys must, just take a moment to yourselves, to reflect upon everything. love is such a beautiful and messy thing, but when it comes to the end of that line, what are we if not love personified? whenever i write these, know that i am speaking to you all specifically, heart to heart. i dont know about the rest of the world, but I know about my friend-tuals. you guys deserve the world, i dont care what anyone says, you. deserve. peace. so rest well, we got another 12 months ahead! among such violent ends, you are bound to be a wonderful start.

i hate goodbyes, but if it means opening up space for a better something, i'm willing to bid farewell for a change. so much has happened, which makes me think... what a privilege it is to be able to still be here, able to use words to reach out to you all. thank you to everyone on this list. we will all be okay, eventually. we will be okay! let's meet again soon, and then again and again and again. i love you guys so so much. happy new years!!! 🎉

[wtf3lli0t]

Point And Say Its My Fault So You Have Someone To Blame (Ride The Cyclone AU): what if penny was the only one who wasnt brought back from the afterlife and is still a jane doe? what if ocean is the only one who remembers? TW: Mentions of d3ath, (surviors) guilt, and PTSD. Brief depictions of crashes, and dec@pitation. (once i have my ao3 acc (in a few days) ill upload this to ao3 so yippee!! tumblr sneak peak!! ill update this later probably, inconsistent posting and all that shit, yk the drill.)

Penny Lamb is dead.

And Ocean Oconnell-Rosenburg cant help but feel like its entirely her fault. She made the vote. She had chosen to bring Penny back. Karnak, stupid, stupid Karnak. He told them that the vote would bring Penny back. Maybe it didnt work because Penny Lamb was just a Jane Doe in the afterlife. Maybe it didnt work because Penny Lamb was just a Jane Doe in the real world. Maybe it didnt work because Penny Lambs identidy was stripped away from her. She was no longer Penny Lamb. Just a Jane Doe. And that is all she will ever be again. Because she is still a Jane Doe. Ocean is the only one who remembers. Remembers the fair, remembers the roller coaster, remembers the crash, remembers the afterlife, remembers the stories, remembers the vote, remebers Penny Lamb. Remembers Jane Doe, and who she used to be. Who she once was. Who she will never be again. Ocean knows the afterlife was not a dream. She knows because theres still reports about an unidentified body in a rollercoaster crash on Monday September 14th, 2008, from 6:17 PM to 6:19 PM. The body of a seventeen year old girl named Penny Lamb. The body still lacking a head, hidden somewhere under rubble from the crash. Her heart twangs and aches with guilt, because she knows she should tell someone, anyone. She knows she should. But whenever she tries to her throat closes up, and her lungs turn to dust, and her blood runs cold and drains from her body, from her soul, so she tells herself "another time, when I get the chance again". Penny Lamb will not get a chance again. She will never get a chance again. Because "she" is no more. "She" is a Jane Doe. "She" is dead.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

ok its me again hi AAAHHHH this is so nice i feel so warm im lying on my bed kickin my lil legs i cant believe this thank you for being nice omgggg now im on a roll im gonna say things about julian hkdhjgdgjf

only one song really that i scanned the whole tag looking for to see if anyone said it before and i was so surprised that i didnt find it and i went to check the official playlists on spotify cause maybe its on there already and thERE ISNT ONE WHAT???? i had the muriel one liked on here and id never checked any other ones out lmao but like i swear there had to be one?? like maybe they made it first and its somewhere separately??? julian is like the most popular one how the hell does he not get a spotify list is that how this tag was created?? *gasp* am i discovering the ~fandom lore~

(just gonna say you dont actually need to answer any of that in detail dont waste your time gksgkydgjf im just screaming into the void cause i was so flabbergasted after those 3 whole minutes of research i put into this)

ANYWAY the actual song would be House of Wolves by our lord and saviour MCR! its so good for him with his whole Woe is Me drama king vibe lol and the plaguey thematicssss mmmm delicious TELL ME im a BAD BAD BAD BAAD MAAAAN aight you lil masochist i see u and the "you better run like the devil cause they never gonna leave you alone" you get it caUSE HES A FUGITIVE DO YOU GET THE DEEP UNRAVELABLE METAPHORS DO YOU GET IT DO YOU G aight shut up hkhfjtdy anyway

ok i lied jystfhte heres another one i just remembered i really wanted to put here its not new but just in case somebody hasnt seen it yet lmao its such a masterpiece ill do anything to give it its due here ya go

https://youtu.be/61HltPN_k3g

and the other thing im really glad to have seen people mention here is musical songs cause thats one of the things i love about him the most like yass we love a thespian king slay grl so then anytime im binging a musical there always come the intrusive thoughts of "aw hed love this one" and "oh hed be great for this role" like i went to see f-ing swan lake with my f-ing grandpa and one of the major takeaways i got from the experience was (UH IM GONNA PUT A SPOILER WARNING HERE? I GUESS? IN CASE ANYONE CARES HELLO JULIAN BAD ENDING SPOILERS AHEAD DO MOVE ALONG NOW IF YOU DONT LIKE THAT AVERT YOUR GAZE CITIZENS LMAO LIKE YOU HAVENT SEEN FANARTS N ADS ALREADY ALRIGHT ALRIGHT) "omg jules would be so perfect as that bird guy villain IN HIS BIRD GUY SHAPE TOO OMG WITH THE WINGS ON STAGE THIS IS AWESOME WHY CANT I DRAW GOOD GODDA-"

anyway hed love hadestown (hed at least try to cast muriel as hades cause hes perfectly intimidating for it but theres way too many lines which okay Maybe but AND he has to sing???? nah hes out bkgdhkdt) i dont know what hed think of pierre natasha & the great comet cause its maybe a little eccentric i suppose but i think hed appreciate the cultural roots of the vibe with him being fantasy ruso-slav-ukrainian-whatnot heritage i reckon and hed definitely have a blast at a live performance and hed ABsolutely join in with the actors in between the rows at some point and theyd ABSOlutely let him cause hes that good and game recognize game cmon hes gonna show you amateurs what a real kazotski looks like

i can also see him enjoying sweeney todd, for its delightful edgyness, maybe even some themes relatable for him, and his sappy ass would SO memorise Pretty women to whip it out at an opportune serenading moment khgdturshc im so cringe and loving it

well i cant think of any more shows to throw him together with so thus ends my soliloquy wow i cant believe thats how you spell that anyway i hope anybody who knew what the hell im talking about enjoyed all that jgfztits see you in another 20 minutes when i come back like "AND ANOTHER thing-

Yay, it's the character song essays anon!! :D

I'm glad to see you back, and I will once again be re-linking the song you shared below and adding your suggestions to the tag ^.^

And frankly, I'm 76% certain that one of Julian's love languages is theatre, especially musical theatre. That could be tickets, that could memorizing the lines from one of this favorite scenes and reciting it back to him, it could be showing up to every single performance he's involved in :)

I'm glad to see you back in my inbox, friend, feel free to message me if you ever want to obsess over the characters together! Cheers -

brainrot

[waspstar]

nobody literally ever sends me asks so im going to answer all of these, original post here

🖖 First Trek media you encountered? a compilation of kirk being gay on tumblr. its what convinced me to watch the show 🥹 Favourite behind the scenes picture. this is hard, but probably this one.

i do however like another one of levar and brent together. 🌀 If the holodeck was real, what would be the first thing you'd use it for? meeting xtc ❤️ Your ST comfort character/s. the emh first and foremost. but also mccoy. 👕 Character whose fashion you like. LWAXANA DUHHHH 🎼 Song/music you associate with an aspect of ST. garden of earthy delights and across this antheap both by xtc remind me so so much of chekov. oh, and one of the millions by xtc as well! supersonic by jamiroquai reminds me a lot of the emh 😒 Character who annoys you. if there are no kai winn haters im dead 🍻 Hangout at Quark's or Ten Forward? see, at ten forward i have a chance of running into barclay and he wont try to scam me. but i think id go to quark's just cuz i like the ds9 cast more. 👩🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏿 Do you ship any characters? Who? yesss my number one favorite will always be qcard, but i also love jiles and tom and harry. ❌ One storyline/plot point that you hate from your favourite ST show/movie. this is so hard, i hate so many. i think my favorite st show is ds9 (though voyager is like, really becoming close to my heart) however i will have to sayyy umm. fascination is a pretty bad plot. i did not like that. that was really weird. i love lwaxana but that was a really bad plot. i guarantee you theres worse i just cant think of any >_< 🫂 Character you'd like to be friends with. i wanna say barclay, but i feel like being his friend would be so emotionally taxing. so perhaps bashir or miles. or tom :) ✨ Has Star Trek had a personal impact on you? extremely so. star trek is a very important part of my life and i think about it every single day. i consider it a special interest. 🖊️ Do you have a favourite quote from ST? its actually not technically a star trek quote, as they took it from a book. however, the line the emh reads at the end of latent image. 🪐 Favourite alien planet. ive always been fond of risa i wanna go there 🥲 ST moment that makes you cry. lal's death. also spock dying duh 📚 Favourite ST fic you've read. theres definitely a really good qcard one ive liked but i dont remember the name and dont feel like finding it. theres a really cute quodo one i remember too. thats hard. ive read a lot over the years ☄️ Your headcanon/s about a favourite character. the way that i have all kinds of headcanons and think of some often but now theyre all gone upon being asked this. umm. oh i headcanon that barclay had a cat early on in his starfleet career that passed away. i even came up with a name for it...i cant remember what it was but it was a space themed name. i also headcanoned that he had no father and only a mom and that he was raised on mars! and that his mom died early into his childhood. thats all i got tho 🎨 Favourite piece of ST fanart. i straight up do not have it, but its this beautiful art of q holding an orb with picard suspended within it. i have it saved somewhere. 🍽️ What alien food/drink would you want to try? UGGHHH HASPERATTTT every time i see anyone eat hasperat in ds9 i get so hungry i want to try it so baddd i imagine it has a very plant based spice, a fresh kinda spiciness...and kinda like a cilantro type taste going on. it looks so goodddd. ive also personally wanted to try klingon food. unpopular opinion ig but it looks yummy 👋 An actor, writer or creator on the show you'd love to meet. id sacrifice everything to meet robert picardo. hes done everything for me simply by playing the doctor and i just want to hug him and thank him and give him a kiss on the cheek if possible. also the same goes for john de lancie, esp bcs john not only played q but also discord from mlp, another character i love.

[onestepbackwards]

I'm back on my horny apocalyptic bullshit so hear we go.

What if instead of the usual, someone with a dick fucks someone with a vegaina, the eggs gets fertilized and a baby develops, what if it was more complicated, let me explain. Only someone within the same egg/sperm group can reproduce successfully with another partner, you know how we have different blood types and how our body will reject the wrong blood type if injected into our bloodstream, yeah that.

So the moment the body recognizes that it's the same type of egg it releases hormones through the body of the incubator, readying them for a rough love session between them and their partner. The hormones can also affect the partner to give them the drive they need to senselessly pound into their lover.

With that out of the way let's get to the bone of this meat, as I mentioned in my previsu ask “Perhaps they produce more cum because biologically their seed has a hard time getting through”. Wich means that you cant just fuck and have it done with, theres some other factors going into it, wich makes breeding you an even higher priority if its this hard. No wonder they devolved into an apocalypse. So they kind of have to manually check who you're compatible with through the traditional way. Or, or or or they don't want to stress your muscles and accidentally harm you so they inject a little bit of someone's semen into your eggstock to see if your body reacts to the little dosage.

So at this point you would be pretty exhausted, sure they give you your personal space but you can't shake off the heavy burden on your shoulders. The title as “the last hope” didn't help either. Although you liked getting pampered it still dragged you through the mud, and the fact that you're not allowed to help because of your status as a glorified incubator makes you feel helpless, to a degree. You didn't survive in this world for this long without reason, you have skills that they won't let you utilise. You understand though, you're supposed to be healthy if the time comes and you become pregnant. You can't be stressed in a situation like that, it could cost both of you and your baby's life.

So what's a girl to do then to vent their frustration to the only semy sane person there, the resident weapons shop keeper which by far has the thickest accent. You share stories about things you witness before the fall and he shares some of his own, even venting some of his own frustrations in the process. It leads to a pretty good friendship that then develops into a more beneficial relationship.

You're sexually frustrated, hes just frustrated ingeneral, you bot like eachother, its a benefactual fucking. Though after your first orgasm an overwhelming sensation takes over, while he's coming down from his high you can't seem to get off it, gradually becoming worse and worse as he collects himself. He's never experienced this before, sure he's had sex with other partners who had high sex drives but nothing like this. The final nail in the coffin for him was when he got a wif of your scent, then it was all downhill from there.

The salesman had never prepirated a nest before, in such a short amount of time noles, his only line of reference he had to mating with someone was from some sex ed class he barely paid attention to. Though he did remember some things, make a nest to establish a safe space for your mate, lots of on hand water bottles, and lube. With that in mind he climbs out of the dishevelled bed along with some pillows, takes off the unused mattress on the bunk bed above his and places it on the floor. He arranges the pillows around it along with some of his discarded clothes and bedsheets. He hurriedly made his way to his mini fridge taking out the few water bottles he had and went back to his bedroom. Placing them somewhere besides the makeshift pillow nest finally focusing all his attention on you. And the sight of you rubbing your legs together in such a desperate attempt at stimulating yourself made his breath hitch. Oh this was gonna be a longer night than he was expecting, but he's not complaining.

…

Two scrape lines that I couldn't fit into my rant but that I wanted to share.

“What he lacks in length he makes up for in girth (it's as thick as his accent)”

“In conclusion, im horny but I like my hornines with a bit of depth.”

Apocalypse au turning and getting a slight omegaverse twist?? 👀👀👀

I’m just imagining like, omegaverse being a thing in this au, like a genre, and suddenly it becoming Real™️

How do you deal with that??

Like, suddenly heats are real dkdnksks and now you get to live it. Imagine reading fanfic of it and now that you are living it, it may or may not be as fun as you had hoped (results may vary)

May not be as fun as you hoped if you already are exhausted

But on the other hand… 👀

Suddenly high sex drive, and people willing to take care of you and help you out? 👀👀

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

2, 14, 23, 25? <3

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

oh honestly im mostly looking forward to being done with writing rn hfjhjg ive been doing nothing but thasmissy for 2 months straight at this point and i need to finish like 2 more scenes. so i suppose the technobabble im doing in one of those scenes bc it's really fun to find words to put in it. even though it takes forever. and then i wanna take a little break. ive still got a series of like weird sex fics somewhere on the backburner i might go do that (it's like, 13/tardis, yaz getting off to gallifreyan anatomy textbooks, yaz with the hologram in 13x5, and another one i cant remember rn, oh yeah something with the robot master and shalka doctor, but i cant write them so idk. i think it would be fun to write robot sex though)

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

either when i hit post and ao3 tells me i forgot the title (bad titles). or else it just ✨Comes To Me✨ at some point during writing (better titles). not the question but these are my favourite titles: kerblam it!, wondering about the perspective of the person who confuses interbellum with no man’s land, auto-tromperie à deux, or: the double-slit experiment, and the thasmissy one which will be called playing doctor <3

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

s12 fic where yaz gets basically seduced by the master because the master is willing to give her answers the doctor wont. she finds the doctor's phone and they start texting. they both find something in each other that the doctor is unable to give them. the doctor when she finds out is So Mad. shes like hes dangerous!!!!1! but theres this possessive undertone you know? ive had scenes of that on my computer since like summer 2020. it's never gonna get finished but thats okay because i think most of what i thought was interesting about that fic i incorporated into thasmissy in some way. also i think it ended by yaz getting killed by a cyberman and the doctor beating the master to death for it so fkjghjkghgfjh too sad to finish tbh. it wasnt even the master's fault it was both their faults she was angry at herself so she killed him. and then sat with him until he regenerated. while yaz i think, stood there as a cyberman. anyway! fucked up! not my style

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

when im writing some weird gross visceral time stuff and looking in thesauruses and going on etymology dives and finding fun connections between words that i can use to make more subtext. and making up new ways to use words and sentences so i can make them hold more connections. increase the meaning/word ratio you know? thats the most fun

okay bonus found that fic. i had 2000 words. heres how it starts:

It starts with dying.

An endless dark. Without direction or sound or exit. Where air isn’t air and she doesn’t know how she’s still breathing. Where she can’t be alive because she can’t feel her heart beating.

“Okay, PC Khan. Nothing to worry about.”

It starts with dying.

It doesn’t end with it.

The Doctor pulls her out.

Its warm in australia. The heat crowds around her when she steps out of the glass cage, lapping at her hands, her face, curious, tentative, playful.

A Soft grip on her arms guides her to a chair, to reality, to being alive.

Someone presses a cup of tea into her hands. Large brown concerned eyes ask her if she's hurt.

She later learns his name is o. She later learns it isnt.

and this is how it ends:

His eyes switch to her as soon as he realises what this result of their actions is. Eyes big and hungry, apprehensive on the edges, mouth twitching but never reching a grin. Both stock still her eyes are still on the cyberman. One breath. Two breaths.

His eyes widen slightly when her attention shifts to him. Eyes dark and pushed too far like the chasm beyond the cliff. When she steps forward theres no delay in his step back.

Silence as the only witness of the last two children of gallifrey. The physical sounds of a body breaking and abody being broken.

Sound of breath and fists and one scream when she breaks his arm.

When she stumbles off of him, sitting where she lands, stopping moving further rather than sitting, silence still her only witness, he hasnt moved in a while, hasnt made a sound in a while. She watches until he starts glowing. Then she gets up and and without looking back walks away.

She finds the cyberman who was yasmin khan and says with a voice that is the oppoiste of what her hands just did, tender and regretful and soft, "yaz" because they were friends. And because no other words she will ever string together will be enough to make okay what she did to her. But the words press to her lips anyway. sorry doesnt change what she did. Sorry would be an insult.

"Your family will know"

Im sorry

"You wont be forgotten"

Im sorry

"You deserved better than you got"

Than i did to you. Im sorry

"Thank you yaz."

Im sorry

"Goodbye"

Im sorry

"And im sorry"

She zaps her sonic and the cyberman falls.

[magnoliamyrrh]

It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know

thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when

... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.

when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time

poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door

but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks

idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3

[bigbumder96]

‘and who’s gonna kiss the brown haired girls?’

*flashbacks to the time in year 8 where me and my bsf i had a huge crush on accidentally kissed brown haired me. it was an accident but i hold that moment very close to my heart. i think we almost kissed again but i panicked and nose exhaled on her face. i could be imagining that tho. idk i just remember our faces were very close and then she pulled her head away after i exhaled in her face😭tbh i dont even remember if we were on her floor or on a chair or whatever. i remember she also kept kissing my forehead and cheek. she used to do it quite a lot tbf. she stopped eventually tho🙁. i dont even like her anymore. i just miss how she made me feel. kissing ur friends cheeks/foreheads is 100% casual but i feel as tho theres was SOME sort of tension perchance??? idk man😞 i despise doing casual things with friends u have crushes on, like we went on a school trip to southend this year and she let me sleep on her shoulder while we held hands. that is incredibly platonic nd casual, literally all the girls in my class were doing it, but i think i regained feelings for her in that very moment. another time we slow danced to a careless whisper. it was in a kind of jokey way but the ‘we could’ve been so good together’ lyric just rattles around in my brain. anyways do u lot remember the scene from that gl japanese movie called blue where the girl held the other girls hand and just started running? she done that to me once cuz i was sad☹️ we had known eachother for like a month + it was raining but omfg those first 6 months of friendship was so £2&3&/&:&&;😢😢😢. on the birthday where i first knew her, she invited me round and she done my hair while we listened to music !!! i still have the star hairclip she used somewhere (+ a hairbow from anther time!) , and i now cant listen to honey - halsey (literally her song) or training wheels - felony martinez (🤢) without thinking of her. i think she admitted she used to like me though.. idk we were having a sleepover and i tried so hard to tell her that i also used to like her but i literally just froze and didnt say another word for the rest of the night😭 she just randomly told me when were making bracelets? then we watched the whole season 3 of this country while i internally combusted? she was so bored of my silence but idec cuz the next morning we finished the episode of this country and she fell back asleep and omfg the sun fell on her so perfectly, she genuinely looked like a goddess. i have trouble remembering stuff photographically but i remember everything about her in that moment. before that i was STILL processing everything, and when im nervous i tend to bite the skin around my nails, but because i was near someone i didnt want to put my fingers in my mouth so i js picked it with my fingernail, and she held my hand to stop me from picking it⁉️. ever since then tho ive been terrified of sleepovers (always have tho tbf.) but it was even worse cuz we went bowling with some friends before that, and i was sad cuz she was all over the girl who we both hated and clearly found her more funnier/interesting than me😞😞 the sleepover mightve gone better if there was no bowling, cuz my social battery was completely depleted + i was kinda struggling at the time and when im sad i find it impossible to speak😭 things were genuinely casual tho, like im not even oblivious or in denial or anything, im wearing rose tinted glasses and making things sound so much more romantic then they actually were, ntm we were only 12-13😭 im still friends w her now and omg shes slowly destroying me piece by piece but im too far in at this point😞✊*

[whylife2]

what do you do when you start disliking the person you have become??

I rememebr years ago i read somewhere something along the lines of that no matter how much people dislike you, it all comes to the day where you cant stand yourself. I remember thinking omg thank god thats not me. I was in a very bad place but i still liked my self. Now though i dont know. I lie left and right. I feel like ive started gaslighting people so they dont bother me? Just so they dont bother me? I dotn even know. I really really want to get out of this What do i do? i want to rip my hair off my scalp scrape my skin off my body. Please what do i do?????? I want to feel like my old self again where I could go out and simply feel good because its sunny or could look out the window and bask in the sound of rain. Now i go out and see the beautiful day and think what ? i know this made me used to feel good? but how ? why? why cant i feel it? I see the rain and all i want is to go drown in it until everything that makes me, me washes off. I dont go to lectures but i lie about it to my friends and kill my time off somewhere so they dont question me. I ve lied to them so many times I dont even feel bad or maybe i feel too bad now I cant take it anymore. I just can someone give me another chance at life? Theres so many things ive done wrong and i swear to god i would know better next time. But thats just impossible. How do i come out of this? Please theres just so many things in my head so many voices so many reponsibilities its impossible to just brethe. Can i leave ? will evryoe forgive me ? or will i becoem the bad guy just like evrytime ive tried to express myself? Or maybe im really just a bitch ? Honestly tho whats the difference ? Please tell me its okay for me to leave ? Is it okay? Im so scared> What if this feeling never goes away. Can jesus just taek me. Please jesus. I feel like its too late now. I want to leave. I want to be a little selfish. Or maybe I am a selfish person. simply a selfish person. Just like ive been told so many times. Can someoen please tell me itll be alright? It will be right?