#feel free to hate it i will change
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my favorite type of anime is the kind where a characters life derails so painfully you go back to the first episodes and dont recognize them
#feel free to recommend me any that fit i will watch them#some examples are aldnoah.zero and charlotte#re:zero too definitely#i have lots of thoughts about aldnoaj i had never watched an anime where someone needs to change to survive#and fully embraces it knowing itll make them the bad one and hating what they become#SO good
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I'm sorry I let down my guard.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#xue yang#xiao xingchen#God DAMN this scene was brutal. Season 2 episode 2 is almost nothing but misery and anguish#Helena by Nickle Creek does not quite fit the comic's vibe but it is absolutely a Xue Yang song so I linked it.#The change from “Helena don't walk away...(gentle)” to “HELENA. DON'T WALK AWAY (threat)” is fantastic.#And “Don't waste your pretty sympathy - I'll always be just fine”. Xue Yang core.#Okay now for the real meat. Disclaimer first: *I really like XY.* I think he's a great character. I think his actions consistently-#come from a place of deep trauma. While his reactions and actions put him in a villainous role he is still human about his hurt#and what I'm about to say is NOT intended to be a statement of causality or villianize a group of misunderstood people.#So with that said...Man oh man does Xue Yang have a lot of BPD traits. More that just 'character who is chronically manipulative'.#The impulsivity and emotional reactions and seeking stability makes him feel like he needs that control. What other choice is there?#The part that really gets me is how he *wants* to be safe and happy. But his past experiences tell him how thats impossible#He's the kind of person who goes 'if you don't like me then you better hate me for something substantial". All (pos) or All (neg)#''Love me entirely or Hate me. But don't you dare leave me or forget about me.''#Not at all comfortable saying 'BPD coded'. Im not a psychiatrist. Just that he has TRAITS. Feel free to disagree or add your thoughts.#ppl with bpd also are not a monolith and everyone has very different experiences. Xue yang is very complex. People more so.
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Obligatory “I don’t have a problem with CaitVi” but I think, for me, their story (separate from their own personal character arcs) would/will be more compelling if it ends up being irreparable between them.
I think Arcane is good at subverting expectations and tropes; the most memorable example I can think of is in S1E3 where Powder follows after Vi and the boys to save Vander. We’ve all seen the “friends are in trouble, but the plucky young hero comes in at the nick of time to save them against all odds” plot twist—but Arcane subverts that. In fact, Powder’s involvement and her monkey bomb finally working is the thing that, tragically, leads to Claggor and Mylo’s death, Vi’s injury, Vander’s death(?), so on and so forth. It worked, but it didn’t work. And to me, that's the tragedy of it. That good intentions weren't enough.
So, personally, I see a setup between Caitlyn and Vi: the Romeo and Juliet archetype, two initially-begrudging people working together amongst classism and prejudice, and finding companionship against all odds. Class, wealth, opportunity separates them; Caitlyn is a scion of one of Piltover’s most influential and powerful families, and Vi is… a nobody from the Undercity, wrongfully imprisoned, when they first meet. It’s a way for them to both see that the “other side” isn’t as bad as they’ve always been told. That there are Good People on either side of the bridge. That, hell, love can be found, too.
But oftentimes, I believe this trope in particular ignores a lot of the real-world factors that could come into play with a friendship or relationship that “defies” station. The fact is, Caitlyn does come from a world of privilege, and Vi is treated differently by Caitlyn’s peers. The whole of Season two, Vi has been referred to as one of the “good ones”. Maddie explicitly says that it's good to know that there are still "good ones" around. The implication that you’re not like them. Time and time again, Vi is treated like an Other. A “good” other, but an other all the same. She's welcome in Piltover, but only just - and only when Caitlyn vouches for her. And at the climax of their story thus far, Caitlyn outright says to her, “I keep telling myself that you're different. but you're not. It's [Jinx's] blood in your veins”. I'm sure grief and anger are a part of why she says this, but that's becoming a catalyst for the discrimination she seems to be steadily believing in more and more. Whether or not she ends up meaning this, it's a ghastly thing to say.
And with the way things are developing with Caitlyn, who is actively weaponizing her privilege and power, and who is very quickly going down a very dangerous and fascist path, I don’t know if their relationship could — or should! — be rectified. She's a cop, and a very privileged one at that. I don’t know if this is a love that could “defy all odds”, and in my opinion, I think it would be more interesting, and more compelling, if it didn’t.
#arcane#caitlyn kiramman#vi#vi arcane#arcane meta#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane spoilers#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#please feel free to chat with me about this! love love love hearing peoples' thoughts and ideas#complete disclaimer: i'm not a writer and i'm sure someone else could articulate these thoughts better than i could#long time lurker first time poster etc etc#but i've been thinking about this since i watched act 1 and figured i'd offer my two cents! idk.#i don't intend for this to come off as character nor ship hate. just an exploration of what arcane has shown us thus far#they've never shied away from the ugly details and i think cait - at this point in time - is a very ugly and yet very plausible character#i wish when cait had that guy arrested vi had called her out on it a little more. esp as someone who had been wrongfully imprisoned#i don't think it would've changed anything. but the principle was there
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People be like, how you doing? And I'm like, Loop is never going to see their family again.
#Isat#Isat spoilers#Isat loop#I'm just. Thinking so hard.#About Loop and what happened at the end of the loops#And what dev said about when you restart the game#Is it a different loop is it the same loop will loop every be free?#Did loop wish themself into a new loop of helping other thems reach their goal?#Either way.... Loop will never see their family again. Because they have Changed and their family has not.#God fuck fuck I love them and I hate them in equal measures#If I ever met them I don't even know what I would do first#Probably give them contact information to a real good therapist???#But honestly I think I'd hug them if they'd let me cause I would burst into tears if they were real#Loop is my worst nightmare because I was loop and I think that's the bad part of the whole ordeal#What do you do when your family can not help you but you help yourself? Are the bonds the same? Different?#How do you reconcile that with your love for your family?#God this little bitch makes me feel so much
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#tried rlly hard to shade this like skin blender idk but gave up and just half toned it#my shading is shit and I can’t draw astarion for shit#man i hate realism#why do i keep trying to do it#anyways i hate the way this came out but i feel bad for not posting today#my art#art#digital art#sketch#astarion#astarion bg3#bg3 astarion#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#bg3 fanart#bg3 art#baldur’s gate iii#concept art#i should stop comparing my art to other’s bcs everytime i try to change my artstyle and force myself to draw in a new style i fail and die#the way i pick up art styles is just fun experimentation and somehow never made by studying other people’s artstyle#im not ready for my holiday to end but at the same time i feel like most of my bad thoughts are generated by too much free time#so mayhaps losing my free will for like 12 hours a weekday will fix my sads so uhhh#idk man#nobody reads these tags so i can say whatever i want#if you’re reading this uhhh#sorry you had to read me vent in an shitty astarion doodle post
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So I was asked to expand on the whole Jamil having a trauma response to Leona comment on my last post, aaand here's that.
(This pertains to chapter 6 btw, so spoiler warning)
(also it's very much sleep deprived rambling so sorry if it's, well, rambly)
First off, I'm operating under the assumption that he has cPTSD. Jamil has clearly been programmed since birth to always obey the Asims and act in their best interests, even at the expense of his own life. This is a boy who has been forced to eat poison to protect them and their assets, who's family was forced to let that happen, and who has been so desperate his entire life to escape that situation that he was willing to resort to murder and doom not just himself but his whole family which he is implied to care about. Which means if simply quitting was an option, he would have done so. So, you kinda have to infer that he and his family don't have a choice in this role, and there are severe enough consequences for disobedience that fucking up or refusing is a worse option than risking a slow painful death every time Kalim wants to eat something. And this is all stuff that's been depicted blatantly in canon, not even touching on the assumptions that could be made from there.
So that's the position Jamil is in. That is a traumatic situation. This is a guy who has been groomed for servitude and obedience since he was old enough to talk. These kinds of circumstances absolutely can lead someone to be triggered into subservience or other trained behaviors. That's just, a thing with trauma.
Now, with the Asims being one of if not THE most powerful merchant families in their country, one of the expectations of Jamil as their servant and especially as the attendant to their heir is to ensure good relationships with other rich and powerful families, especially royalty. This was shown in the fireworks event, where he states that as a prince, if Malleus came to any harm under his watch while a guest of the Asims, it could start an international conflict. These are incredibly high stakes, a misstep on Jamil's part could ruin the Asim family and potentially even endanger his country, and it's pretty strongly implied that he and his family would take the blame and suffer the consequences. Now, much like how wearing a company logo while at work makes your actions representative of your employer, Jamil serving the Asims 24/7 (and especially as the chaperone of their heir) means that he is representing their family At All Times. This is why he is forced to defer to Kalim in all aspects of life even outside of their country, part of his job is to make his employers look good, and there are consequences for not doing so. This means that anyone of high enough status to be significant to the Asims is someone who Jamil is required to be subordinate to.
Then, enter Leona. As a wealthy prince, he would be someone who Jamil is expected maintain good relations with at any cost to himself. With his position Leona could literally destroy Jamil's (and probably his family's) entire life with a single complaint to the Asims about his conduct. Like, he could do that with no actual cause just for fun, because the Asims are 100% going to take the side of a prince over an expendable servant. This means that one misstep or any backtalk from Jamil puts him at massive risk, it is entirely up to Leona whether or not he suffers for any of these actions, and while the audience knows Leona's personal morals would prevent him from actually doing that, Jamil does not.
THEREFORE (sorry this ended up so long), once Jamil was in a life threatening situation with Leona, it seems likely that all this programming and fear would manifest in desperately trying to protect him and follow orders the way he's always done for Kalim. To me, the way he snapped into bodyguard mode, and immediately complied with every one of Leona's bitchy commands (like giving him a hair ornament to throw away without question, and barely saying anything about it after), even while being humiliated and knowing he was less trained in magic, just comes off more like a trigger response than anything. Especially because I can't imagine that situation not being triggering, and I can't imagine him knowing any other way to respond.
#jamil viper#leona kingscholar#jamil ptsd analysis#twst#this is also why I got so pissed about leona's behavior in that chapter#like I do genuinely like his character. he's one of my favorites and I get where he was coming from#but boy was being ignorant as all fuck#like jamil is so heavily implied to be an indentured servant#and leona could probably buy his whole family#there's no version of 'i know what it's like to feel overlooked. suck it up and work with what you've got' advice#that could benefit Jamil from this guy#because changing your attitude and putting in the work doesn't free you from a situation like that#and I can only assume that coming from a free country in the modern world#Leona just hasn't considered that Jamil would BE in a situation like that. it's not exactly normal#and this is the guy so out of touch he thought Ruggie's home was a doghouse. so I mean. giving him the benefit of the doubt on this#but goddamn was that out of touch. and I just hate how they wrote the conclusion between them#not the intended subject when i wrote this. but tagging it as#small steps fic#for the small steps crowd in case they get curious about what else i have to say on them??#i feel like some of the thoughts from this post are gonna be playing into the story
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thinking about. i dont know how to phrase this really but. chloe and frank.
like. when Chloe killed Frank i (, personally,) feel like her guilt from it was less because she killed Frank, and More because she Killed Someone (and their dog).
but!!! thats not to say she didnt feel guilty for killing Frank. because she definitely did. because on some level. despite everything. despite all of his shitty behavior. a part of her still cared for him. that tiny 15-17ish year old part in her still cared for him.
because that 15-17ish year old with intense abandonment issues in her only had. a small handful of people in her life that actually cared for her, and when THOSE few people aren’t even doing the best job at it— it’s no shit that Chloe’s standards for Good Friends are going to be Immensely dropped.
and so. it’s kind of like what happened with Rachel, but WAY less intense. when she found someone who didn’t hate her, and was willing to hang around her—after so so long of people hating her and not wanting to be around her— it makes sense that part of her would kinda latch onto them a little bit.
and so, even after all of the shit she’s learned he did— even when Frank starts to hate her— even when he threatens Max and her’s lives— part of her keeps remembering him as one of the few guys who stuck around when no one else did.
it’s just that. no matter how bad the person— if you’ve known someone for years, and they were one of the only nice people to you in a town where theres like. four people that are nice to you— it’s gonna hurt if you kill them. even if it was self defense. even if it was entirely their own fault— even if you two aren’t on even remotely good terms anymore.
ESPECIALLY for such a sentimental person like Chloe. taking that in consideration it makes me wonder. maybe she didn’t feel bad for killing Frank. maybe she felt bad for killing the person Frank used to be to her. but maybe she realized that That Frank already died long ago.
but yeah. im mentally ill. take everything i said with a grain of salt considering it is 12:07 AM.
#my thoughts are a mixture of coherentness but also just enough of radio static that i cant write much of it out Correctly#but anyways dont you think it’s a little fucked that.#and maybe im reading it wrong but#like.#she really wanted to be friends with him in bts#she was really put that position#god idk#feel free to discuss about the whole. “chloe felt bad for killing Somebody not just frank” thing. that’s not something im 100% set in stone#with LOL. im open to other interpretations of it#that isnt to say the rest of this isnt open to discussion— but that part In Particular is#this post is mostly about how “frank was chloes friend” more than anything#it’s about how. out of the entire town. the shitty drug dealer is one of the guys who gives an actual shit about her#and about how. something happened in between BTS and LIS to make them hate eachother#like YES the 5000 dollar debt but that just CANT be it can it? was it rachel’s disappearance that destroyed them?#or did frank start declining after the whole dameon thing??? WHAT CHANGED THEM…..#anyways im sure im not the first to think of this and im ready to hear other peoples opinions on it#SCREAMING AND CRYING BC CHLOE IS LITERALLY SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER BUT PEOPLE ARE TOO MISOGYNISTIC TO SEE IT RAHGDHSGSHGA#if i had a nickel for every time i said “even” “despite” or “because” in this post i’d be rich#life is strange is a game about tragedy. and. misogyny.#ALSO TAKE IN CONSIDERATION. if u read this far.#that chloe likely met frank Before she was Really Truly convinced that there was zero hope for her to find somebody who cared for her#so it took a lot less effort for someone like frank to leave an imprint on chloe atp of her life.#and also partly why it was So Much More intense with rachel#hoping to god this is coherent#lis#life is strange#chloe price#frank bowers#rachel amber#…. i really doubt it will happen
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silly tf2 redraws (shitty quality bcuz I’m still figuring out how to draw them)
idk have these ig
#tf2#team fortress 2#meme#redraw#sniperspy#boots and bombs#kinda#I hate these but this took awhile so#Ace.art#My art#might change my art tag#it’s so bad#ANYWAY#feel free to comment more meme images
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Apollo as Lester would absolutely adore or hate with his whole heart "The Emperor's New Groove".
(Feel free to disagree).
#pjo#lester papadopoulos#feel free to disagree#it is only my opinion#he will fond him and kuzko alike#and absolutely hate it#maybe#before admitting that they are alike#imperator's new groove#imperator kuzko#they both were... not the best with mortals/citizens#they changed#i love this movie#toa
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:rolls around in all the love on the first chapter of my fic: YOU GUYS ARE A DELIGHT
we are going to oh-so-gently crack that eggshell and dollop her down on a plate 🥰
^ real life gif of wade being gently coaxed out of her eggshell by her loving friends
#I will reply to commints soon because I WUV YOU ALL#also have changed it so everyone can comment because I'M FEELING BRAVE#no one send hate or I bite you (I know you guys wouldn't but there are always transphobic weirdos out there so. if they show up alas)#(then I will go back to registered users only commenting)#(BUT FOR NOW THE FIC IS FREE FOR ALL TO YELL ON)
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#reblog to make it die faster#a lot of my friends and people i know are feeling hopeless about the state of the world#so i thought id share around what's been helping me#i hate change and i'm terrified actually but#surprisingly this still helps#key posting!#keys srs tag#palestine genocide#gaza strikes#gaza genocide#free gaza#gaza strip#gaza#palestinian lives matter#palestinian genocide#joe biden#usa#canada#justin trudeau#israel is a war criminal#end israeli apartheid#israel is a terrorist state#boycott israel#israhell#fuck isntreal#isntreal#economic crisis#war#war crimes#eat the rich
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i think the qsmp is very impressive for speedrunning the same love-hate relationship i have with the dsmp in under a year as opposed to the three it took for the other one
#truly the qsmp experience for me was just my dsmp experience but . 10x more intense . qsmp burned bright like a sun and fucking exploded#while dsmp just kinda died out slowly and by then i wasn’t interested in it anw#i think love-hate relationship is the only way to describe it because it’s like . it was incredible . i loved it . i still love it .#i dedicate my free time to working on a wiki for it and i think about the cubitos and npcs often . but jesus fucking christ the toll that#shit took on quite literally the everyone’s mental health . the constant stress and near psychological torment the ccs and admins dealth#with because of an insane lack of rp etiquette planning and communication . they couldn’t even talk to the people they were roleplaying#child death with . what the fuck#and looking back at it now it’s crazy to me just how MUCH happened in such a short amount of time . just constant shit happening . purgatory#lasted two weeks and it still feels to me like it lasted two months i’m so serious . you lived every single fucking moment#etoiles still brings up purgatory when he’s in a particularly stressful ‘damned if i do damned if i don’t situation’ . lord#and STILL i’m glad it happened and it seems like the admins and ccs would pretty much all agree seeing how they act . like even despite#how so much of it sucked . because so much of it was incredible and life changing and just a fucking adrenaline rush of fun .#i don’t want another qsmp 2 as much as i’d love to be optimistic as much as i want to capture the joy of the server’s best momenrs again#christ in hell . pay your fucking workers treat them as actual human beings and act like the international company you are#jay rambles
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" I'm a Psycho, loving it~ "
#[album]#ask to tag#cw#Music Shot#S-2#also i just wanna mess with its expressions and poses cuz it's fun#he can turn the black face into a screenface. changing any shapes and expressions as it pleases#horror. realistic eyes. tv static. etc but he prefers the original triangle smiles more#also i'm planning to redesign S-2 right now#S-2 focuses only on killing / violence to gain LV and he's stuck that way and called it a purpose to wipe out population#He got so focus on gaining LV because it made him feel so powerful and wanted more feeling like it's the only thing that made him feel aliv#i'm okay to spoil his story and all. He's made out of human determination in Mark's body and became a split personality to him#that's why S-2 and Mark are both corrupted because they're still not compatible to each other in one body#instead of being unstable in physical form. his mind is. because Gaster used a different formula but failed again#Gaster was trying to cure Mark because he was really ill and about to die#I only took the references/theories from the original undertale amalgamation obviously#S-2 was formed from Mark's own negative emotions and personalities then it became its own character#which causes the two (or Mark or S-2 themselves) to self-loathe with each other#it's literally like looking in a window as a mirror talking shit to each other#The real good Mark in this au is Mark himself. he just needs to be set free from this misery (and need to get rid of S-2 if possible)#that's why in my old Mark death posts. S-2 was gone from self-forgiveness meaning Mark forgives himself and deserves to be happy#(because everyone don't deserve to hate themselves)#i'm gonna keep the left eye joke not being available when doing the horror screenface cuz still wanna make it a Mark thing to him#cw horror#cw eye contact
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job rant incoming
#ok so a couple weeks ago i registered with a cleaning agency and got offered 2 days of work which i had to refuse because i was still at uni#haven't heard anything since#got a message a few days ago from a different cleaning company (job with regular hours) asking if i was free for a trial shift this week and#i told them i was. radio silence since#i'm hoping i'll get a message sometime today because the job description listed the start date as monday#did an interview for a tutoring place that i'll hear from in the next week or so but i'm not confident#i really really want the regular cleaning job cus if they're alright with me being on holiday for a couple days at the end of june#and i can work the rest of the summer i would make enough money to pay the bills for the house AND completely fund 2 trips i have in mind#i hate being worried about money and jobs and idk this feels like a very first world rant lol#cus i could pay the bills for my student house next year without working this summer but i'd have very little money for anything fun#the trips are v unnecessary but is it really so bad to want to have fun money? ofc worst case scenario and i'm jobless this summer i'll go#without the plans or change them but.....yeah#delete later#ellis exclaims
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Screenshots somebody’s DNI and has one herself saying no antis or busybodies. Cool. It’s the internet. Anything goes. That means I can rb your fanfics and save them for editing the way you save art that isn’t incestuous.
I mean, if you want to download my fics and comb through all of that incest and underage smut, that's your prerogative, man. Hope you get a boner out of it, then maybe you'll calm down 💕
#ask#anonymous#anon hate#proship#also I didn't screenshot that dni it's from a dm with my friend#i think it would be SO funny if you tried to edit one of my incest fics actually lmao#because it's not like fanart where you can just color over the blushes or something#editing takes so much time and thought#and SO MANY of my fics are JUST about the incest (ficlets/drabbles)#or the gross nasty themes are so deeply entwined with the narrative that you might as well just throw the whole thing out#so feel free! send it to me when you're done lol i bet it'll be good for a laugh#considering you'll have to half the word count and change everything about it#honestly you might as well write your own fics#but of course antis only know how to tear down and not how to create anything#also of course i save art that isn't incestuous? 🤨 i don't think about incest ALL THE TIME the way you people do#i love platonic relationships too#most of my fics are actually gen#believe it or not you can ship something AND also like their platonic relationship
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last year i had the personality of a villain when i was at school
this year i had the personality of the perfect side character
#the change was hilarious#i went from#“i will kill everyone here and then myself.”#and#“where’s the gasoline imma burn ppl alive i hate you all”#to#“i have one (1) hobby and i’m very good at listening so feel free to tell me your deepest darkest secrets”#SND FOR SOME REASON PPL KEEP TELLING ME SUPER PRIVATE STUFF??#i know gossip not because it spreads thru the school#but because the actual people involved tell me all about it because i’m a good listener 💀#psychoanalyzed a girl to the point of fear one time#that was fun
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